#so i dont expect this meta to make sense in the morning???

[c0rpseductor]

tbh i'm thinking again about how i'm gonna approach vauthry in my fic, since i'm going to have to write him very soon.

i'm aleady planning on taking some sizeable liberties since in shadowbringers he's a bit cartoonish, both as a villain and designwise. i don't think it. well. i DO think it's a bad choice in terms of the fact that it's massively fatphobic, but in terms of tone i think a video game can get away with a somewhat absurd and cartoonish hate sink villain a bit more than a novelization, especially when he shows up sparingly. i want to keep a lot of the base tone of shb, but i do plan on morningstar being a little more sober and adult. there's sex in it i don't have to go with the shonen anime stuff if it doesn't work

i can't bring myself to agree with arguments that eulmore was Fine Actually, and in my writing i'm kind of making it worse, so i don't really want to go with a super sympathetic vauthry (although i think there can be, and want there to be, a sort of quiet tragedy to him, given his canon backstory). i Really need vauthry to still be detestable in morningstar because he has to pull double time on hate sink duty so i can pull my dirty little tricks on the reader with emet-selch. emet is getting more positive treatment in morningstar (until he isn't <3) so until such time as he has his little moment vauthry Really has to be terrible.

i've been thinking that rather than his being quite as. i guess juvenile as in canon, throwing tantrums and generally getting the "fat = dumb baby" treatment, i want to work the sort of egotistical aspect of his character from a place of sophisticated condescension (distinct in execution from emet's bitchy rich girl thing). he's supposed to represent the worst of nobility anyway, which is entitlement and a sense of others as being beneath oneself or belonging to an ontologically lesser class. i thought it might be interesting if he has a sort of grudging "respect" for pfeil, but regards him as a rogue asset to be seized moreso than a human being. i think it works very well from the angle of vauthry playing the role of a corrupt king and pfeil in many cases playing the role of a fairytale knight. like yeah of course the bad guy wants lancelot for his own. or whatever idk i dont know as much about arthuriana as i maybe should

i also think there's some running thread between them, like that there's something very similar that they take in different directions - moreso morningstar's as yet immaterial "serious vauthry" than the saturday morning cartoon vauthry of canon, but still, if you just lay out vauthry's story on paper, yknow?

on a meta level vauthry and pfeil are both fat characters from a source narrative that very much condemns and loathes fat bodies, so i think there's a sense of "similar monstrousness" that carries through even in a work intended not to be fatphobic given fic exists inherently in conversation with its source material - some of pfeil's Angst necessarily has to address that he's in a narrative role too small for his body, in a sense. fairytale knights and princes are only ever thin, shonen anime heroes are only ever thin, persephone was thin and remains so in every retelling, basically every one of those hot satan statues, you get the idea. all the motifs i draw on to inform his role-identity carry this expectation of otherworldly bodily perfection and attractiveness. to some extent this is what it means to be commodified in fiction at all. vauthry is still condemned to the same fate as he was before, but pfeil is a fat hero in a retelling of a story where fatness is evil, built on stories of heroes whose beauty is indicative of goodness and whose beauty is considered to lie in their thinness. maybe it's no wonder vauthry is like, "ditch these losers and eat bonbons with me," LMAO. sort of a like...what if solidarity was bad. you know

also, vauthry is Doomed, and pfeil is Fakeout Doomed. vauthry's story couldn't have ended any other way because he was set up to take this exact fall before even being born. even if he had been a good person morally he would have to die because his very existence upholds and hastens the apocalypse. on top of this, the circumstances under which he was raised were...less than ideal, let's say. i still vastly prefer to say that despite everything, INCLUDING the lightwarden shit, vauthry still has agency that he exercises poorly and likely had chances to be a better and kinder person which he rejected, because a narrative in which nothing is anyone's fault and no one has any choice and it all just Happens is boring. (not in the sense of tragedy, where fate and its incursion on autonomy and meaningful choice is a huge element that adds interest, but in the sense of like...if nobody ever decides to do anything and nothing is ever driven by character action it's not a story where the characters participate anymore. what is the point of that.) his ultimate aim was to secure paradise in eulmore, but no wealthy and powerful person's conception of paradise is gonna be equitable or sustainable or anything less than monstrous. also paradise is fake we live in an imperfect world and that's the only thing we get!! deal with it how you like but that's it!! the hero here is a satan allegory so he's gonna tear down your fake ass heaven!! so on and so forth. off topic. point is he's a villain, and by virtue of being a villain in a story with a clearly designated hero, he's doomed as fuck, no matter the circumstances or aims of his villainy, just like emet. sorry man

pfeil is, by contrast, Fakeout Doomed. like vauthry, he didn't really have much of a choice in becoming who he is - heroes don't get to resist the call no matter how hard they fight, and like all WoLs, hydaelyn had her sights on him for since forever because time loop shenanigans and arguably because reincarnation anyway. by virtue of being born, and even before being born, he was already stuck on the path he's on now. it's not kind to him, being on this path, but he can't give up on it because it would bring harm to others and he can't accept that. it's not who he is to shirk social responsibility. if it was, he wouldn't be the hero. but i as the author know that it's not going to kill him, and once he does what he was always meant to do he gets a whole life ahead of him free of my fuckin meddling. there's an end to the story and then pfeil kind of does a vague whatever. not my business. in the end, he escapes.

again, of course neither of them really know this because they don't know they're in a story. only emet kind of has that inkling of meta and it influences how he interacts with pfeil. but i think it's something that pfeil and vauthry might understand about each other sort of subconsciously, or voice it in other terms. vauthry is living a terminal villain's existence, where his choices are die or live and end the world, and pfeil by contrast is a Big Damn Hero, a beacon of hope who barrels toward the impossible light at the end of the tunnel. vauthry wants pfeil on his side because who wouldn't want that? maybe they can escape together. or maybe vauthry's terminal existence will feel that much less empty, with someone who is fated to one day be Real in a way he can never be at his side. heroes always win. (except in tragedies.)

[lostacelonnie]

Ah hell my bad i did get. Really busy & really tired the end of year holidays are busy & really draining. I am a sea person but im glad that resonates with non sea people too. People try & talk to you often there? I dont know a whole section of verb conjugation so im not sure how id do there. Fried bread & cinnamon sugar what a peak combination thank you churros. Same i need to pick up more spanish food recipes. Oh? Thats a good start actually. Knowing simple stuff like eggs or grilled cheese or uh. Chicken noodle soup are good baselines. I mean. Yeah same to a degree. I turn them on when im reading or walking/going places. Keeps me focused. Mag is good. Same with nightvale & alice isnt dead. Thats some solid luck kudos to everyone for not getting attacked by gulls. Id wonder about that too australia seems. Nice but very weird. Like their one prime minister who walked into the ocean & disappeared. Kudos to her for finding one she likes & gets along with enough to move there. Ah nothin like light hearted roasting among friends love that for you. Oh jeesh thats like my geometry teacher i had once. Dude would get distracted & then skip stuff he was supposed to help us learn. & still test us on it. Had a different math teacher help me sometimes because he was better at teaching. Hell yeah english teacher for the save. She sounds cool. I dont have time for meta so like. Why bother when if something works it works? Oh is honkai meta that hard? Do i need to focus on that on the way through the story? Oh thats way better like star rail having a pick your own on standard after x amount of pulls. What genshin's fate system could be if it was good. Hmm im not sure where even to start. I guess about himeko. Like her place in the story & what her story in hi3 is. Since i doubt its similar to in hsr. Hell she does have that vibe doesnt she? Chill piracy milf in a way. I hope she becomes playable. A thirty minite backstory? Must be a heck of a joke. Or because of all the polish nuance. Thanks! Ill have to see how she plays of course but personality wise she's good. Fontaine has killed it with interesting characters. Oh? Why the screen limit is it a doctors orders thing? & no worries about that life hit me hard so i understand. Ah thanks im getting to where gear matters a bit so ill need that luck. Need to up talents & such more though. Makes sense then but damn 4 pm as the other option? Both of those aren't super great. I live close to my work which is nice but i still have to wake up 2 hours before for early days because otherwise i wont wake i am not a morning person. 4 am? Hell mad respect for that i could never im barely a person some days at that hour i definitely wouldnt be. Oh nice congrats! On the exam & the history memes. At least your friends are becoming nerds with you. Important group activity. Im caught up on show & manga releases but i do need to read the spin off still when i can find it. Claire has protag rights to one name

AH ITS OK i just. Dont trust tumblr to function properly AJSKFJJH. but ah wishing you some time to chill soon. i understand tho since its the end of the first semester in my school so literally every teacher is trying to squeeze in as many tests as possible. yeah sjdkfkkskdf thats one thing everyone can agree on i suppose!! and it really is like that!! the stereotype about spanish people being seemingly All Extroverted is. much more true than i expected it to be. especially when compared to poland where everyone just more or less minds their own business. and not knowing the language that well proved to be less of an issue than i thought actually!! as in. i do Not speak spanish very well but through a series of trial and error combined with a lot of gesticulation i managed to communicate well enough. AND FOR REAL good lird. they were so right for that. and thanks!! i can more or less follow intermediate recipes so i can Survive more or less. and ahh thats fair, i unfortunately cant really listen to stuff outside my house as i only own headphones and not earphones and i dont like being Completely disconnected from the sound around me when im not at home. but very understandable. ANYWAY YEAH AUSTRALIA IS. A PLACE. i heard about that one prime minister yeah..... wild...... and yeah ajdkfjg me and my friends have been dissing each other for a Long time since i did the same thing in my previous school. always fun. AND AOUGH I FEEL YOU i have. a Lot of teachers like that. but eh im pretty decent at studying on my own [if i find the energy.....] so its managable. with math teachers too actually which is very funny bc last year we had this one teacher [we called her The Brick] who just. did not explain Anything just start doing exercises on the board and then be disappointed when we didnt understand anything. so obviously we were very happy to hear that were gonna have a different one EXCEPT??? SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO COUNT???? LIKE GENUINELY SHE DOES SOMETHING ON THE BOARD THREE TIMES AND EACH TIME ITS SOLVED INCORRECTLY. IN A DIFFERENT WAY. ah well. but yes my english teacher is very epic. if nobody got me i know she got me can i get an amen. and exactly i agree with you!! as in. i like when theres a Big Number so i try to more or less build my chars but im not gonna wreck my sanity doing the same domain over and over again. the honkai meta however IS pretty hard so i try to keep up with that. but im much less excited for part 2 so when it drops im probs gonna focus on gearing the chars i already have instead of pulling the new ones since you can do anything with a good support and i have. pretty good supports [HERRSCHER OF TRUTH FOR THE WIN]. id generally recommend Not Completely Ignoring it yeah. tho i did and still managed to pull myself out, but it wasnt a pleasant experience [god. superstring dimension with ungeared teams. Augh.] so. yeah. AND RIGHT???? honkais meta may be painful but the gacha sure is not. I WILL GET INTO HIMEKOS STORY BUT ITS GONNA TAKE A SEC SO ILL JUST PUT IT UNDER A READMORE AND ALSO BEWARE OF VERY VERY VERY HEAVY SPOILERS. since im not exactly sure in what point of the story youre in. AND YEAH shes just. chillen. and the joke is [linguistic rant incoming] actually not That long [i just love hyperboles] although there is one joke that is Actually pretty hard to explain. anyway what i wanted to say is that she has ESSA which. first of all this is slang but its slightly outdated slang [which, of course, doesnt stop me from using it] and it just. well when you say someone has essa it means theyre like. chill in a cool way. cool in a chill way. but also essa itself can be used like. hm. for example if you manage to do sth, say, pass an exam, and you wanna say you did it and also it wasnt very hard?? you can just say NO I ESSA. its not quite translatable into english but needless to say i shall now begin using it. AND YEAH FR rare occurence where genshin made me actually care about male characters. as in. i love furina forever but neuvilette has actually proven to be someone i like as well.

[once again. tumblr forcing me to do a paragraph break] his autistic swag has captivated me. and yeah ajdfkgjsj as it turns out im both farsighted and have astigmatism so i should be limiting my computer usage...... its ok tho im trying to get into traditional art more and also studying is easier. so Its Joekay. ahhhhhh talents are such a pain to level up.... i just never have enough stuff for them seemingly. yeah my history classes have godawful times good lird. and we actually do less material bc of that since our teacher just refuses to do anything on the 6pm classes and just does twice the material in the monday block instead. i love my life. fair enough tbh, i picked up an ADDITIONAL 7am class bc its not mandatory and was close to disbanding but my classbestie really likes it so i joined to make it less likely to fall apart but ah. im regretting my decision. but at least the teacher is nice so. AND FOR REAL i do not understand where they get their energy from. or the dedication. ESPECIALLY for this godforsaken school. and ah thankies!!!! and good luck with catching up!!! i LOVE the manga sm omg...... im also very excited for the anime since the love scale arc is starting today and its my favorite........ big hype. and ah i started playing noita recently!!!! very fun i love games that are engineered to hurt me personally

ANYWAY. ONTO THE HIMEKO LORE

i Should mention that im not an expert on himeko lore BUT ill do my best hehehe. however i will reiterate that heavy spoilers ahead, especially for chapter 9.

SO himekos backstory is revealed in the alien space manga [which, admittedly, i read only because i found out shub niggurath appears by the end and i love niggurath] but it goes more or less like this. i wont go into detail about what Exactly happened because truth be told this is a pretty long manga and i simply do not have the motivation to do an Entire Summary but basically. when she was in university, her father, who was working for schicksal and also the host of an Actual Literal Alien kiiiiiind of went berserk [without her knowledge, of course] and welt had to Kill Him. which is pretty bad because they knew each other and were Kinda friends. anyway since her mother was already dead and she was infected with honkai at the time, this caused her to join schicksal! of course, the entire time kept in the dark about what exactly happened to her father. so when she was in schicksal, she was in the squad let by ragna lothbrok, who also ended up dying in action, and himeko ended up in saint freya. she also made bianka join schicksal! so anyway this is where we get to the main story. i wont go into chapter chiyou bc im gonna be honest i remember Nothing from chronicles. but she was kiana and the others from the main squad mentor, guiding them through their journey as valkyries. when kiana awoke as the herrscher of the void during the void arc, she was also Actively Dying from honkai poisoning [since valkyrie gear uses the honkai in it but she had pretty low natural resistance to it]. fu hua gives her an antidote that Could save her life but, during the final lesson, she uses it to temporarily seal the herrscher of the void so that kiana can live on. and dies in the process. i cry watching it to THIS DAY. but himeko remains as somewhat of an Afterlife Guide to the end of the series, appearing as flashbacks and visions in the chapter 11 ex cg, meteoric salvation, like an entire section of set tomorrow ablaze, everlasting flames, and graduation trip. to summarize, I LOVE HER AND WILL CRY ABOUT HER AGAIN. AOUGGGHH. she actually means so much to me you have no idea you have NO idea

[sourgrapelaffytaffy]

Wanted to talk about this scene because 1) it’s so cool to see Zenigata do some regular detective work & see Jigen be a total badass

and 2) it’s so AWESOME to see a Zenigata / Jigen dynamic, even though they’re not in the same scene. While Zeni is assigned to Lupin specifically, he’s still spent enough time around Jigen to recognize his work. He understands and appreciates Jigen’s incredible skills as a marksman and he’s able to put together exactly what happens with the evidence he has available.

NOT ONLY THAT

But Zenigata LETS JIGEN GET AWAY. He recognizes that not only has Jigen done a good deed, but the town views Jigen as their hero. How could he go around & crush the freedom they have now by revealing their savior is a former hitman turned thief? From his monologue in P5′s finale, we know Zenigata just wants to catch Lupin to show him the error of his ways, and make Lupin into a better person. With Jigen’s act of kindness, maybe he realizes that Jigen has the potential to be a good person as well. 

And so Zenigata LEAVES and LETS JIGEN GO

[homesickhalfling]

I watched Bo's new special Inside today.

#spoilers #Inside #boburnham #howthefuckdoiputthisunderacutidontwannaruinpeoplesfeedswiththiscrap #idontknowhowhashtagswork

---

I felt anxiety before I watched it, almost like I knew it was going to hurt me.

And it did.

About halfway through i realized I had spent a lot of it literally hugging myself.

I sobbed after it was done. Sobbed.

Then I spent half an hour in the fetal position in silence in my room wondering what I was supposed to do now.

He articulated everything I had been feeling but running from for the past few years because I didn't want to acknowledge it or know how to say it, let alone fix it. ("There's that feeling again")

He proved that I was right when I had guessed that making this special would be a difficult regression for him and not good for his mental health. That he'd start questioning his life and his career.

It was hard to watch someone essentially record themselves having a breakdown over the course of a year. Even when he was trying to make me laugh I felt bad for doing it... yet I still laughed.

I feel partially responsible for his mental state. I participated. We all did. We gave him the likes, the views, the follows, the ticket sales. He was a child star and it fucked him up. There's a moment where he's sitting there watching one of his early YouTube videos and I just felt such pain for him. How horrible it must feel to live in the spotlight and be expected to make others happy ("dance you fucking monkey/ watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself") and no one deserves to live their lives in that state.

He pointed out so expertly how the internet has spun wildly out of control and technology is too accessible and is ruining society. How everyone has to broadcast themselves and their opinions all the time. How kids grow up attached to tech that is rewiring their brains and development.

It was hard to watch. Of course he was funny, he made silly jokes and did silly dances and made fun of people and himself in poignant and catchy ways as he always does... but at the core of it all was this struggle of trying to make sense of a world that doesnt make any fucking sense. That is harmful in almost every way. And not wanting to participate in it anymore but having no way out.

He talked about wanting to kill himself, but not kill himself. I know that exact feeling. I have been saying it for months (maybe not out loud cause I don't want to alarm anyone but...) some days I just dont want to exist.

He talked about his anxiety, about feeling agoraphobia, about how the outside world is like a coal mine. And it's a perfect analogy.

He sang "congratulations" to Bezos. How many times have I said that exsxt thing to people? I say "Congratulations you won capitalism, good for you, now give us all your money."

He filmed himself turning 30. I turn 30 this year. It looked exactly how it feels. Scary. Lonely. Disappointing.

The ending hurt too. Its too real, too "meta". It's unavoidable and hurts to think about: He's come outside and "reentered" but all we are going to do is put him in the spotlight and laugh as he struggles with wanting anything but that. And yet he's releasing this fucking masterpiece... and like... are we not supposed to applaud him for it? It feels like a trap. Which I guess is exactly how he feels. Which just makes me appreciate his genius that much more for being able to convey that so perfectly.

He made me question everything (including my white woman instagram) because of course... what was I gonna do the second I finished watching? Post my opinion about it on social media. Like he said we all do. Like he asked us not to do. He's absolutely right that it's a pointless and empty validation thing that we all do and can't stop doing... and why? What purpose does it serve? ("Just perform for each other, all the time, for no reason")

I just kinda want to crawl in a hole and not participate in society. You know, like how I have always felt. Like my anxiety and depression have been telling me to do for years. That feeling I have to shove down every single morning before I get dressed and go to work. Pay bills. Socialize.

I dont know what to do now. I understand him not wanting to finish the special... because... then what? Just carry on like nothing happened? Go back to "normal"? Or go back to our isolation and wonder if/when things will ever get better for any of us?

Anyway... all of that being said... I think it's an important look in the mirror at where our society stands and what we have become. I think it's exactly what the world needs to hear right now even though it's hard. ("Look into my eyes don't shy away"). Bo is our mirror. A tortured, twisted, broken mirror for our tortured, twisted, and broken society.

And here I am... giving out my opinion that no one asked for or needed or cares about. Like the fucking hypocrite I am.

[taki118]

I wanna talk about ROTTMNT Splinter for a second

At the start of the series hell even by mid season I did not think I’d be saying this  but 

I think Rise’s Splinter is my favorite iteration of the character

So I got a couple reasons for this due to the unique take Rise has gone with him.

First of all his backstory is kinda less offensive? Ok hear me out so in the early comics (and I think still in the comics im not sure) Splinter was the pet rat of a man named Yamato Yoshi who was turned humanish by the mutatgen so it kinda made sense he had this flawed understanding of ninjas and japan that is deeply rooted in sterotypes. But in most modern incarnations making him Yamato Yoshi mutated into a ratman we kinda get this very ....old school look at ninjas and japan in general even in the 2k12 series. Theres just this hidden ninja clan for little to no reason obsessed with tradition and honor and if you think on it for a bit it gets a little mmmmmmm i dont want to say problamatic but its definitely eyebrow raising. 

This version of his backstory kind of fixes those issues. He’s from an ancient clan that seems to have died out recently BUT theres also a reason they have stayed as long as they did  they had something to protect the world from that they wouldnt want getting out and causing panic. Until Splinter decided to say “The foot hasnt done anything in centuries and they wont” and became a B movie action star/underground fighting champ. And even this kind of helps this issue as well. Its definetly a throwback to 70s action stars having to use the sterotypes of their race & culture (and for people of asain descent not even their culture) to get a leg up. In a bit of a meta way Slpinters time as Lou Jitsu (which is probably a stage name) kinda pokes fun at these sterotypes media has used for decades. I mean in this context it makes sense why all his techings to the turtles sound like shit he’s making up or dumbing down cause it more than likely is.

Another reason is that despite how he’s the most inhuman looking in desgin this Splinter feels the most human. He’s selfish, makes mistakes, has regrets and from the latest episodes despite how he typically acts he definetly morns the loss of his humanity. This Slpinter had a life before the series a real life, he wasn’t hiding from the shredder and mourning the loss of a wife and child he was living large. He had a career, a passion, friends and loved ones and he had it all taken away in an instant. We still dont know if he had agreed to Draxums experiments or was forcefully taken but we do know that he made a choice to do right by the his boys. We know he could have gone to Big Mama but then Draxum could have found them so he went into hiding, raised the turtles best he could, tried to keep them safe and tried to find the best in this new life of his. Like I dont think its a lie that Splinter loves that he can be a lazy slob and who does nothing for hours (I think after the life he lived being ale to just let himself go was a kind of paradise) but i do think the thought of what he might have been does keep him up at night and that is never a feeling I get from other Splinters.

Last is his relationship with the boys. Now you might think that becuase he doesn’t seriously start training them until the later parts of S1 and that he’s kind of ignores them he’d be a worse parent than past Splinters but I feel thats a wrong line of thinking. See I’ve pointed out before that this Splinter feels like a Dad First and Sensei Second where as past Splinters were the opposite and that makes all the difference. Past Splinters were constantly training the boys for a day that may never come you very rarely saw him relaxing with them and there was always this air seperation from the wise sensei and his pupils all while structuring their lives around training. 

But for the 2018 version of SPlinter you get the feeling that HIS father was like that, that that was how HE was raised and he knows just how kinda awful it is. You could say his decision to become Lou Jitsu action star and Yokai tournament fighter was his way of rebeling against his family who raised him more like a duty than a family. That he gave his boys their freedom to do as they liked out of desire of how HE wanted to be raised. I mean look he joins in on their pranks, he’s the referee of their annual sports competition, aside from taking his things and not being seen he doesnt seem to have any real rules or expectations of them. He wants them to enjoy their lives as much as they can even though its limited. He also expresses his love for them openly and frequently as the series goes on and the fact that he had them watch his old movies and that they loved them likely meant the world to him. 

Is he forgetful? Yes.  Is he flawed? Ohhhhh Yes. Can he be a little insensitive? Yep. 

But you never get the feeling he prefers one turtle over the others, that he doesnt love them, that he doesnt want to give them a happy life thats their own and to me that makes all the difference.

but thats just my thoughts. 

[houseki-no-suffering]

Pssst.... gush about some thing you’ve wanted to for so long but haven’t found the ask to do so! I really like reading your metas or off-the-wall posts.

aw ty!

mmmh usually i just crank out a random meta when i feel like it, which i havent had the energy to do in a while. so have a lot of hcs about gem language, gem society and how it resembles a totalitarian system cause why not, this is already a dystopia. 

goes from cute to shady real quick, have fun

Gem Vocabulary

gems have no gender, they dont age, they dont reproduce. the whole vocabulary about relationships, aging and sex must be completely different in gem language. they probably lack a lot of words we commonly use, and have unique words for things we dont have (like winter duty, patrol duty... i wouldnt be surprised if gem language had unique grammatical features for those)

this is one of the reasons why its so unfair of aechmea to call cairn ‘wife’ and ‘princess.’ the gems have no concept of wife-ness, we dont know if a gem equivalent of marriage exists, but its definitely much, much different from what the lunarians (and us) perceive as one.

do gems have anything akin coming of age? this could be weird bc gems can potentially live forever, but they can also be abducted by the lunarians at any time, so who’s to say how long a lustrous will live? how do you calculate being ‘of age’? is it by calculating the average life-span of a gem? 

how do they measure time and seasons? we know they have winter and summer and phos mentions ‘spring’ in chapter 20, but what about months and lunar phases? do they have words for that or are months just too small a timeframe for the immortal lustrous to utilize? how do they measure time? in hours and seconds? weeks? different units altogether?

Gem Relationships

similarly, gem relationships are codified in a completely different way. we know they have a concept of romance bc dia ships phos and shinsha and makes comments here and there about other gems being in love. 

at the same time, the relationships btw alexandrite and chrysoberyl, padpa and rutile, ghost/cairn and lapis etc are little different from ‘pure’ sibling/sibling relationships or senpai/kohai relationships.

this is not to say that they’re all romantic in nature, but the way they’re codified in canon (especially in the way the characters grief for their partner) makes me think that even if the gems have no blood/physical kinship with one another they have a very articulated system of establishing family bonds.

dia and bort are clearly siblings, but the same can’t be said, for example, for rutile and padpa, even if they were partners and even if they display a similar junior/senior relationship. this means that relationships are predicated on something else in hnk, and kinship, family and romance are all codified in a different way.

think of vulcans in star trek: physical contact such as two fingers touching, holding hands and kissing is unknown of (save for very specific circumstances). and vulcan people have a completely different way of expressing intimacy and romance than humans. 

this makes me think: just how many canonically romantic relationships are there in hnk (if any) that we’re simply unaware of bc the way gems codify and express romance is so different from ours? is romance even common? rare? perceived as weird? useless? 

what about other relationships? the gems use ‘little brother/ older brother’ but what if this is just japanese approximations? what kind of relationships can lustrous language really express and how different are they from ours?

Imagination

as @ruddy-rutile​ pointed out some time ago, the gems lack a concept of fantasy. thats why i posted that panel about alex’s original lunarian designs. sure, it’s funny, but it also makes you think: these gems are not raised to think outside the box and they can do it without being told so only under exceptional circumstances.

of the vast library of texts that ghost (and lapis) used to take care of, just how many are novels and fiction? none of them? a small amount? a decent amount? in a society thats as focused on practicality, efficiency and conservatism as the lustrous’, how is fiction perceived if perceived at all? 

is there art? red beryl’s craft comes very close to art when they express their feelings about ‘fashion for fashion’s sake,’ but it’s an exception that the other gems find hard to grasp.

phos is often told to stop fantasizing about the world and get things done, the only tale we know the gems are told is the actual story of how their world came to be. the gems always talk about real things, stuff that happened, and make and do things that have a practical use. 

even bort’s jellyfish diary is just made up of a recollection of what happened when they tried to feed them. still, the fact that bort names the jellyfish makes you think that these rocks do have potential for fantasy, theyre just not used to it

Totalitarianism and Privacy

to make this even more shady, here’s your gentle reminder that:

- gems’ rooms have no doors. the only door ive been able to find is the one in shinsha’s room (ch 2) and that is because shinsha’s room is closed off to other people and full of mercury. its like putting a patch on smth you dont want to deal with (much like shinsha’s whole character arc tbh)

- the gems have little to no free time. or their free time can be revoked any time in case an emergency occurs, sensei is napping etc. the gems’ time is rigorously managed by jade, euc and sensei. each gem has a place to be and a time to be.

this means that a missing gem can be found at all times and slackers can be identified very easily. they all have a job and they have to follow it. this is not to say that they have no fun ever, but leisure time is rare and (at least as far as we know) its not contemplated when tasks are assigned each day.

the mere fact that there is a morning assembly and tasks are assigned each day makes you think. is this communism? is this totalitarianism? but most importantly, is this a scary dystopia that hits you in the face like a brick the third time you reread ch 2?   

- sameness > equality. i already went over this in the past. gems society underlines sameness and conformity over anything else. the gems think theyre equal but theyre actually ‘similar.’

a system based on equality emphasizes differences so that every individual can do the best with what they have got and get back what they need, according to their personal needs. 

these gems emphasize sameness: everyone is upheld to the same standards, even when those standards dont match with a gem’s unique characteristics (ie phos cannot be a fighter, no reason to keep saying stuff like ‘if only you were stronger/you’re useless’ etc. they’re a rock with an imagination in a world where dull reality is the rule. just make them write theater plays and play with slugs with shinsha, wth)

It’s real 1984 hours:

all of the above means that:

- your sense of self is subordinated to the group. if you dont belong you’re simply a nothing. at times, the gems almost display a collective consciousness (a pretty hostile one too): everything must be decided together and done together

- you are what you do. gems identify completely with their job. thats why a job is so important, thats why this system is so fucked up. self worth is not inherent, it depends on what you can do. talk about a breeding ground for mental health issues 

- you dont have a saying in picking your career or deciding for you future. thats up to sensei (and maybe euc and jade). unless you have a very strong affinity with a certain task (like red beryl and alex)

- youre expected to follow orders all the damn time. no matter how much sensei wants his gems to exert free will, they still prefer to do what theyre told. ill admit, its much easier than taking your life in your hands and decide what youre gonna do with it, but damn if it isnt depressing. and childish

- euclase and sensei are the authority. sensei and euc are the powers that be. in the sense that they assign tasks, they decide on times and battle plans, on purpose etc. lets not forget that euc was the one to take on sensei’s role after he ‘resigned.’ 

i wonder what would happen if euc were abducted and the gems had no one to follow anymore, no orders. who’d be the new leader? would there be one? lets not forget that no matter how gentle euc is, phos is shit scared of them.

- thought police is a thing. to end this meta on what is probably the shadiest note: surveillance is a thing. the gems report on each other, it’s thought police, no sugarcoating this. 

there’s no privacy, no secrets. even antarc reads rutile’s diary. this goes from cute and childish (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’) to absolutely fucked up (’you did this one wrong thing, im gonna tell sensei’)

[triumphorce]

under umbras of bundles  of stars,

canopies of leaves & branches that shatter-scatter sky image held indirect

as a gleam in eyes

as conscious lay in fabricated gardens watching memories, & desires in dream form

from across highway covered by

blue-white, 

yellow,

& orange lights

sound of tires, mufflers, sirens, 

amidst a higher sense 

attuned to

muffled far cries muffled while crossing empty lands

filled with chilling wind howls, stealing hope, 

which

kickstarts the power on survival mode..

ups& downs 

drown the cries further,

that

war, warn, or cheer..

or just sing..

maybe

a hymn made by souls for souls under same umbra to set free to lead to wonder & beauty beyond the surface of senses directly to free to seek love loss between me and me

buried beneath  road of longest journey to reach

turn feet all around

all about a world I have no idea about

just mad ideas about Kept in journals i turn over

to all but from in front of views not yet exploited by value of which is, views are power,  & are the will in word- to-page transaction

self diminished to substantiate

entries from entrails, not shown to be conquered

win or lose is how I never saw things.

win or win, only optionss, only progress..

yet..,always over complicating;

marathon sprints from start to finish

as I choose, If i choose, to continue to choose to overlook slopes in existence, where hides I, in ruins, digging for recognition

contribute to a mind overloading with what I know I owe society, &me,

burden of see-through beast, I see illusions of future thru,mistaken as truth, play victim, get stressed or believe I'm down on luck ,in dumps of depression and slum of beliefs,

 in a slump with headphones on temple and music up, reminisce about the golden olden, me and broseph, SSB, PSO, kanto, johto, cartoon cartoons, many one saturday morning’s, plenty cinnamon toast, fruity pebbles, so many card games at Books-a-million

but when I open eyes from trance

I'm forever face to face with today is today

not then not later...

just

 changes who changed how I changed regret and anger to compensate for blaming everybody but me

now I stare afraid at dilemmas mass effect decisions

 daily in-and-out-terventions

to keep from falling back into resentment.. spite blinding shelves of subconscious-self- disappointed perpetuating judgment of others binding progression, tying tongue, boiling blood because old habits die hard and I continue fucking up, up raging rapids w/o a paddle,   almost 3 decades of failing infinite (according to projections) feel I missed and am missing out on so much, so much world, so many words coiled inside, waiting to explode,

all the time, just like everybody.. everything mind sets sights on turns to target issue     how unfortunate for aforementioned coordinates, for anyone close enough for me to put in poems' , important enough to torment conscious over, used to be everybody, used to be nobody, used to be just some people, now its just me and i dont know him

   attempts to speak, to learn again, to teach me about me       to learn to teach                     myself, to set example for ambition directed toward a better version, better verses, better reimbursement of time given tryna be an extrovert, free from bitter, free from bitch asses, set internal standards to never  get fucked with again, fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, i only fucks with a journal & question  everyone,  everything, every word, every whisper, shit ima tell my children every day, breakfast lunch dinner,  do your best and fuck the rest, get it, get lit off enlightenment, fuck rest, save roosting for death, dont look at me, looknat the sky, seize the day in everyway brain permits, dont reach for others' and if anyone tries to take yours, that means they dont fundamentally respect life, so always permeate passion, ignore distractions keeping you from creating, test limits, test intentions, challenge imperfections with wisdom, know that perfect is just cosmetics, but i remain quiet.. remain tied up being alone, wondering..           whether I'm right to do any god damn thing        'cause if I don't do it right..       was I right to think I could, wrong to think I understood

am i wrong not to try?

what of what's sacrificed ?

how do i keep count

how did I end up here       in standby...

standing squeamish & deer eyed in light of opportunities rising in horizon of night skies, to step in to obtain warmth, maintain from days before, to do something, do the one thing, but when will I be ready will eyes be ready to comprehend right or wrong

only me, here. only us, on planet.

only who's responsible? how is who is affected by, afflicted by? when is too late? when is just right, always too soon to tell and.. if I don't do it now, then why expect change..

why, why, why

'cause I expect anything at all

anger toward unmanned vehicles imminent to collide with mine

driven mad up eighty-five degree angled walls during rush hour, sun beaming heat into ride, where i travel on path, thru battlefield of past where fallen intentions decompose to ignorance and wisdom sprouts in the mean time.. I'm in between times, feelin down, down down down down by the way

a trail thru fears past dead ends, rotting trees, looks like fallout hit

a past I try an' forget..

but remember out of reluctance 

to accidentally revisit regret,

stand next to biggest fears,  see if facing them uproots soul

rolls ideas in head, non-stop

like trolls troll under bridges 

to which billy goat gruff temper charges like crono's katana on zenan crossing,

lodes of odes to oaths, lightning loaded, aimed at negative minded sapiens bioshocks via rhythm and syntax, cryo cascades of ideas, locked away in moleskine or computer files to put to rest the rest of an inside in arrest to judgment, in side quest of public playthrough, i feel im on public display, static complaining in front of pretty much strangers   modes of awareness to mental problems i exploit to people who might not think im crazy, who might like what i write, might like to write about the same thing, might see giants in those same nodes i stand near, i hear crisp crackles filling an awkward air as i stare at words on sheets that i might tear, might let collect dust, or share prolly might be quiet, only sound is poetic drafts that fill in under open windows, I open slowly, cool rush, goosebumps, awake aware always, even when mind is a crinkled, crumbled candy wrapper still just construct wrinkles in time via           hairs stand, ovation, and encores to

     helping to cross over doubts, screams of slander, stop it all, right now, shed truth in another light, fed through veins like pen's ink to go over and correct vision of pinheads vane turnin art, free thought to cash and competition, trade purpose blow for blow with obstacles in the name of the next step, over opponents, trade nervous for nerves robust to withstand standing up to stretch and spread chest to stand up for work where time invested is braided circulation    goin in circles,        time wasted pet peeve number 1

    a nowhere never felt before        but something seems familiar.. overlooked,   under yards, under pressure of bone leverage, give life a lift thru cracks of a collapsing effort stretched behind chest and ribs

a heart glows in

hot coal hues hearth warmth under carbon sheets

till blood boils till steam coils from pores to kill the cold along roads

sun or none

no light above, isn't lack of.. 

(look inside)

----

harsh heat of reality hot enough to feel cold

make me go ghost in dark times..

friction strong enough to spark moist..

continue until i sear nerves disembody fromm pain till im felt by meta-form of others

heartfelt arcs between soul and soul-mind 2 mind

light releases thru iris folds spectacle in spectacles----

spectrum wheel of emotions spins &spins to  understand self an urge that intensifies the more  i live life as well as I can Improve every day, no excuse, don't ignore the corners, get behind my ears,every nook and cranny in creative muse-um, uhm, duh, raised on books, nintendo, animation,& wishbone, outside, only myself as playdate, use every square inch as play-scape under every hair in head, a mind uses face and body as way to create 4 fourever& vice versa to escape who ever & know I can do whenever, wherever

wherever i go, a voice in mind goes

that keeps on talkin , keeps me talkin tellin me I've talk--, wrote enough hoped enough to last a lifetime, but that's not enough

and I still got a lifetime

to either solidify or fuck it up

gradually let go of 

to concentrate on life's finest moments i build to build form in appreciation, saying get up, enjoy the sun rays breaching clouds just before dawn; gett off yo butt and do what you know what you taught you to do when you were at multiple low points and you promised you, you'd never fall to end, even if you fall again, again, and again, never stall in the middle of  takeoff stop in middle of road, cant press play if you lost remote, might as well get up and do it, crawl, run or walk away when the times calls to brawl dark-inner energy only honorable mentions defend health during dishonorable discharge of nega, into rivers, into blue sky.. bordered by white clouds and linear silver

a safe place, work space, desk clerk sifting day to day thru file cabinets memories in memos in notebook; written relativity explaining how I see, what I think say what i want like im eight, glad i spent so much time with words and space-bars,   to escape judgment, hatred,

anxious surrounded by bad vibes

above an Earth, below expectations; over a self under surveillance by approval from inside, crazy dimensions, On the fence between people and myself I close eyes, ride waves of nostalgia once more..

see plenty light to traverse pathways, walk fer hours, walk like back in younger days, playin, runnin, completely captivated immersed in games played, tv, roller blades, monopoly, scary stories, trampolines

&10thousand songs later, 10million thoughts later, here I am doing what I made me to.

can't wait for the next chance

supplied energy through lines to hidden gracelands.

[bites-kms]

La Joie de Vivre: Paris 32mm

Just came from Le Caveau de la Huchette - yes, the jazz club from La-La-Land. I didn’t know this, until I was at the door. I was just looking for a fun place to have a drink or two on a Thursday night and what a joy I found. I literally found the joy of life, or the Parisian way - la joie de vivre.

These people, they were so immerse into the beat, it was très magnifique. Specially there was this one women, with style and grace, short hair, long earrings, long skirt -long according to her age but edgy enough let her wave and move around-, without a bra, laughing and shaking her arms towards the back while killing the dance floor at the beat and rhythm of bebop with his partner, a black man with a white haired afro, with the same big smile and crazy moves as her. It was amazing. I only felt tele transported like this before and it was at Nicky’s, the best Speakeasy bar in Buenos Aires. But this was the real deal: I am in Paris, living the late roaring 20s, in between wars after the American soldiers fought in Paris, in a lost cave right next Ile de cité, few blocks away from Notre Dame. 

photocredits: Black Label Media  Although I must confess I was expecting to meet my Ryan Gosling - and yes, I did remember our dance mov(i)es - I met Mr. PH, or Pierre-Henri, the lovely Swedish/French, who lived in Utah from Uppsala. It’s amazing to be able to connect with all these people through music, regardless of age and origin, and this was even more special due to my Swedish experience. We danced and laughed a lot. I proudly made a fool of myself and decided I’m gonna learn this dance once Im back in NYC. Then I met Maurice, a younger, intriguing French guy with whom we danced more upbeat my-hips-dont-lie songs. That was some intense moves going on there! I had such a wonderful time I couldn’t wait to come home to write about it, I hope to make justice to the amazing experience I just had. Walking down the Seine, as Owen Willson in Midnight in Paris, I came back home - to this evil, evil Airbnb, not without stoping by the Louvre and enjoying all its secrets, changing my movie switch to the Da Vinci Code.

It’s still mesmerizes me how much these narratives shape our collective perspectives on the world. I was thinking about this exact same issue while walking down my office’s street the other day, back in NY, and saw a couple of police patrols going around like crazy, with a black SUV that looked as if it was from the FBI and a small but intense manifestation. I was surprised on how quiet the protesters were after the police cars passed by and didn’t make much sense to me. That was when I finally realized I was living this meta-reality and was tricked by my very own mind: this was all a set up for Gotham and I thought it was the real deal. I couldn’t stop laughing and my mind exploded for a couple of very long minutes trying to understand and process all these realities happening at the same time in my head!  So yes, this is my tribute to them, to the movies, to those little pieces of realities that we share in 32 mm (or blue ray, but that way is not that picturesque any more) And it feels weird that I start this tribute in Paris and not in New York, but I guess the NYC experience still feels a little bit surreal to me. At least here I know I’m not staying for good, I’m just here for 10 days, so I guess that makes me way more objective, an eager observer and an obsessed analytic of every minute.

I deserved some celebration after the success on the US embassy, so I decided to start with the simplest thing: let’s go for dinner! I went for my poulette avec pomme de terre but since it only came with fries, I switched it for the plat du soir and felt a little bit of the Jack Nicholson’s magic on Something Gotta Give at the Grand Colbert restaurant.  

I ended up in the most surreal circumstances on a Friday’s night. Lost, during a thin-rainy eve in Paris, searching for hidden wifi hotspots in order to reach my destination: a typical French bistro by Le Marais. What I didnt realized, was that I was gonna run into this typical French guy called William. William, is actually a PHD professor and researcher from Atlanta- although he has been living in France since forever, and as per a Woody Allen movie, he was wearing a brown suit jacket which was double his proper size. He was also wearing bigger trousers -not pants- and we debated about morality, existence and transcendence of matter and language over the Frankfurt School, Marcuse, Horkheimer, Adorno for more than 4 hours, having wine, charcuterie and terrine. It was a very nice movie cliche to experience without even planning it!

Who knew Paris was so famous in movies? I mean, of course in the collective imagery it is, but I didn’t actually realize the size nor the amount of “featured time” Paris have in this movie so called life. After my wonderful La-La-Land experience, my expectations were high and difficult to match, but oh you, dear Amélie, that was a hell of a Saturday we shared together! 

I went to Montmartre and started my film on the Abesees station, right next to the carrousel, close to her apartment. After a beautiful morning stroll with the sun on my face and the joy on each and every single pore of my being, I found the Cafe des 2 Moulins, where she enjoys the small but amazing things of life. Little did I know that not only the creme brûlée was gonna be amazing, but the atmosphere and the memories would be as such! The waiter became my fan: he noticed I was writing in my journal and started hitting on me with the sweetest and cheesiest lines ever, talking about the movie, practicing and mixing English and French, gifting me a pain au chocolat, drawing a heart gesture on the air before giving it to me. He even dared to asked for my number in the most courageous yet sweet way imaginable! It really made my day. Thanks Jullien, that was fun! Of course I also checked out the Studio 28 Cinema, where Amelie enjoys her movies. BITES & KMS SAYS: That’s a meta-hyper reality indeed: Amelie, a fictional character which I watch, goes and watches movies to the cinema in a narrative fiction, located on the same place I am standing right now in real life, thinking and wondering about what that character would be feeling at that moment, with the difference that I am feeling it right now. Wow #mindblown

Of course, I couldn’t stop singing My Song, performed by Christian (Ewan McGregor), feeling a little bit like Satine from Moulin Rouge, while going up and down hills. I hate Boulevard de Clichy, I absolutely hate it: it’s dirty, touristy, with no style nor personality, full of weird people in the bad sense weird can be understood. But well, even though the Bal du Moulin Rouge is located there, this is not whatsoever the best part of the Quarter. So, I kept my musical dream alive and went around the other small and hidden streets. I actually found a spot, which was absolutely perfect. I needed to stop and write about it. My piece of paper said something like this: “Little pieces of Paris, small and unique as the cobblestones of their streets, where only the little birds sing and the sun warms the soul, in between the distant buzz and talks from the tourists.” I imagine a little chambre on one of those top balconies, with lovers singing to each other, having sex and drinking wine in bed at 11 am on a Sunday, waiting to be drunk again to keep sleeping. I stopped by this wonderful Bistro called Le Sancerre. I had my first glass of champagne and had a delicious lunch, falling in love with all these movies, one scene at a time.

The following day I had a very specific location in mind: the Coulee Verte Rene Dumont: secret lover gardens. Only true Parisians go there and take their dates in hopes of some French kiss action. It is quite far off the tourist circuit, and that made me realized how the US is a rough copy of the best of France, with a very local spin. The Highline, that architecture phenomenon everyone is proud of, already existed here in Paris more than a century ago, and still lingers today. So, sorry Paula Scher, there’s nothing new under the sun. And talking about the sun, this was the setting for Before Sunset. I went there to seek inspiration and to reflect upon that proper dialogue that happens in the movie. Was sex with Ethan Hawke that forgettable or was it actually remarkable? Was he really happy with his wife? Why aren’t they together? Are they meant to be? 

I guess there is just time to listen to some Nina Simone - which, for the time being, we can switch for French Edit Piaf or Italian Mina- and to whomever is asking when I’m flying back, I’m just gonna do as Ethan Hawke: 

Celine- Hey Babe, you’re gonna miss that plane. Jesse- I know.