#so i didn't want to 'enlighten' my parents on it (especially my mom who's the one actually buying these things)

[ganseyandjane]

i've been turning a blind eye to it even though i've been aware of it happening for years but it has almost become way worse yet i don't feel like i've done enough to stop it

[aleksa-sims]

RL Simself Story ( 18+)

CW: unplanned pregnancy, addiction

D.'s Dad went home. My Mom accompanied him to the door and said goodbye to him. I tried to talk to Nico in the meantime. I noticed he was upset about earlier. I was so sorry that he had to hear what I said about Daniel. 🤷‍♀️🙁

I was expecting Nico to get totally mad, like he used to. Especially when my Mom came to us in the living room and started to make N. bad. But he remained calm! I, went crazy! I was so mad at my Mother! She had no reason to put him down. And me too, actually. 😕

Mom: Why are you apologizing to him for?... You’re always trying to please him. You don’t have to! Finally wake up A.!.... He has no reason to be mad at you. He knew you were still married!

Me: Who asked your opinion? 😠... I don’t care what you think. Besides, you don’t even know what it’s about!

Mom: Really?... Then please enlighten me! I’m trying to help Daniel and you! Don't you care about Daniel?? You know what he went through, what happened to you both! He needs HELP!

Me: No, I will not hear this! Daniel just took off, damn it! He told me himself, that he did something that would hurt me! And still, I wasn’t mad at him! I begged him to tell me and promised him we’d fix it. But he didn’t want to, so he left. And he did it again! He decided to run away a second time. ... Didn't you listen to his Dad???... I can’t and don’t want to be with someone running away from me. I can't deal with that! Sorry.🙁😢

Mom: Just to understand it. Does that mean, it’s finally over and you want a divorce?

Me: I'm sorry, but.... yes. 🙁

Mom: Is that what YOU want, your decision, or did Nico tell you what to do?

Nico: 😒😒...

Me: I wanna be with N., as it should have been. But your.... great man, sent Nico away last year. He convinced him to leave me, by making him feel guilty. He told Nico that he would only help me get clean, if he broke up with me.😠 And Nico knew, that I had trouble with Philip. So he couldn’t leave me alone with P. There were only two options! Either I go with him to Italy, or he has to leave me here with you and break up with me, because Dad asked him to! 😠 I swear, if I had known, I would have gone with him.

Mom: Yes, you should have gone with him. 😠 That would have saved us all a lot of trouble...

Mom: And you know? I’ve never seen you as happy with Nico, as you were with Daniel.

Me: That’s really cruel what you do. He can hear you! 😠🙁

Mom: Sorry! But.. I have no more strength to...  keep you from making wrong decisions. However, I'll stay out of this thing.

Me: Fine! And... there’s one more thing, I might have to tell you. I'm pregnant! It’s Nico’s Baby and I’ll keep it.

Mom: Excuse me??... How-... N.!? Is that why you’re so quiet?... You.... really want this? 🤨

Nico: I already discussed that with her. Were it up to me, I wouldn’t even tell you.

Mom: How are you going to do that? You have to go abroad soon.

Nico: She’s coming with me! I certainly won’t leave her with you. I do not repeat mistakes!

Mom: You wanna raise your Baby on a.... soccer pitch? I mean, how do you imagine that? You really wanna take her and the Baby abroad with you, every time?.. Who should pay for all this? Can you afford this? I don’t think your soccer club is going to pay for your girlfriend & your Baby. And you can not expect a little Baby to travel back and forth constantly on the plane. A baby needs a home! A regulated, familiar environment! It takes time and effort to do all of these things, but as parents, this is your responsibility!!

Me: Don’t worry, we can do it! And now stop making him feel insecure.😠

Mom: Oh sorry, if I unsettled Nico..... This is no joke! When you have a baby, your responsibilities increase tremendously.

Nico (to me): Shit, she's right! We won’t make it. I won’t make it! I’ll never be there..... You’ll be alone most of the time.

Mom: And she won’t be able to do it alone! I know her! She will be totally overwhelmed, especially alone somewhere abroad. And what about your damn pills, A.?

Me: Shut up please! 😠😠 I can do this, hell!..... You believe me N., don’t you? 🙁😢

Nico:🙁 .......... Yea, I believe you.... I just know. ... I’ll come up with something, so I can stay with you. I just have to plan this well out. I can at least be with you at the beginning and help you get used to it. And I won’t be gone that long, I’ll always come home, as often as I can.

Mom: You’re both a little out of your mind, I think?.... You should talk to a doctor first. After that, you will know how to decide. You need to find out how those pills will affect your Baby. That's most important!! Everything else.... we can work out. I mean.... you two!

Even though my Mom calmed down a bit in the end, I was still totally disappointed in her and mad! That my Dad gets upset about Nico and can’t stand him, I was used to this. But I couldn’t understand why my Mom started doing it?? Nico said nothing wrong or bad. He only got involved in the conversation when she asked him to. However, I felt so sorry for him. I just can’t stand it when I feel that something was- or is not fair!

And who knows what his Mom will say to me, once she finds out, I’m pregnant.😥But I was most afraid to meet Melanie again. I know that sounds totally cowardly, but Melanie has always bullied me. Somehow I could not forget that. 😕

Previous/ Next

[cate-eblanchett]

Again, you have all my respect for doing this and especially for managing it like a master, I think it´s good that you are able to control what you really want to expose about your life and I guess that this is a show after all, so you can control the narrative of what the audience sees? Dangerous, though. I don´t know if I would be able to do it! —woah woah, you got outed? That must have been rough! How did it make you feel? That’s terrible, how some media do things can be so dirty! It’s awful, so I guess now it’s more important for you to have the total control of your public life. —Well, well, probably in a few weeks I will approach to you as a fan after watching the show. Who knows or maybe I can tell you that I want to join or even wilder, that I want my own reality! Okay, maybe it won’t ever happen but you can show me more about the reality show world. That’s still very unknown for me. —can I hug you as soon as I meet you? you’re really nice and considered! The way you think I am not boring and I’m actually very sexy while I do normal things is one of the most flattering things ever. I might have added the VERY there but you know, I like to exaggerate a little when it’s about a wonderful woman calling me nice things. —see? We are collecting more and more reasons to get those drinks together as soon as possible. —I’d love to tell a story through my eyes, but I’m too coward to do it… but telling a story about a brave woman is my dream, so I might do it in a few years, meanwhile I’ll keep myself acting or producing because I think I’m good at it. my ex-husband and I have this company where we search for good scripts to produce and it’s one of my favorite things, bringing to life great stories from great people. If you ever write a book or script, call me to produce the film or tv version, okay? —so you have acted, mmmh you are full of talents! I totally thought you were modelling too and I think you should. I love fashion, accessories and business so maybe I’d love to design something, I’m not sure what. Maybe jewelry? Would be it a nice try? Maybe shoes like Sarah Jessica Parker. No, I have no idea! What do you design? Enlighten me and tell me more about it because I’m so curious and I’m not able to wait until have a cocktail or two or ten with you. Give me some information and the details can come the day I get tipsy with you, because that’s my plan and I want to do it before I leave NYC. —Okay, so it’s just a cordial relationship because of your son? Well, co-parenting can be hard but its easier when you get along with the other parent. Oh, thank you! I had a hard time last year and the first part of this 2024 getting over it but I think I’m good now. Oh! —So you know her?! Of course, probably you and her are usually in the same circle, she is also a very New Yorker lady. It’s hard to see your kids leaving the nest, I think I will never get over it. it’s great that you have such a nice bond with your son and he enjoys spending time with you. I bet he is proud of you. In my case, i always wanted to be a mom and i wish i had one or two more. I'm a mom before anything else. I adopted my last child and maybe if my relationships wouldn't have failed i could have adopted another kid but i think now it's a little too late for that. i'm getting too old!! even if you didn't expect it, i think it's nice that you lived the experience of having a son, isnt it one of the best things? — oh! and don't forget! you are invited to the premiere of Borderlands, my agent is sending you all the details but of course i will understand if you are not able to attend, you're a boss lady! do you work in your own office in a big building? i have this image of miranda priestly in my mind. am i close or not?

Unfortunately what's air'd is all up the the producers - so sometime's you may be caught out of context or even be told you're not "opening up" enough by the other ladies, which, i did get told off for - at the beginning. But I'd like to think i've gotten better this time round; around the time i turned forthy i got outed by 'the new york times' before i ever publicly came out... so i'm still managing to keep some things private at the very least. Oh god; i don't know why i'm suddenly flustered and a little self conscious over you wanting to watch the show - but that i can understand; my son was briefly in a snippet of two episodes and even so i made sure he wasn’t filmed unless he wanted to be ; & I personally think you'd have everyone on the edge of their seat just doing something like grocery shopping; you've got edge, cate and perhaps the brightest personality i've seen, even if that meant just shopping for vegetables.... i think that automatically make's you the best housewife contender....style and talent are the bonus. Oh please ! boring? anti-sexy ? that is by far the biggest lie and i know many would back me up. I kept saying the same thing about being "boring" and worried i wouldn't be on the same level as the other woman, especially since they were younger and louder, but you just never know. I also have to say, always a huge fan of going deeper into topic over drinks, so i'll hold that thought for you...and mental image ⸻ the day you get brave enough to direct or even find the right project, will be a game changing time for cinema; i just need to see a story though the eye's of cate blanchett before i leave this planet. believe me when i tell you i've dabbled; with all the above. I was briefly in a show called "girls" years ago - a newb compared to the modeling and acting you've done, let's say that. but let me turn the table and ask you, could you ever see yourself on the styling and designer side of things ? is this where you tell me you're crafty ? i swear, i still find myself getting emotional whenever i walk past his room at night - but he's at stanford; so it's been hard - but that's entirely sweet, clearly the talent is in the genes ! has your son gotten to work with you yet ? thankfully; everythings civil, we're close for the sake of beckett, but i'm find that still having your ex husband as a best friend is possibly the most admirable, honestly - it's so tough in our worlds, but you both knew it was just a different kind of relationship you needed. I think we can both drink to the failed relationships then, but i'm sorry to hear about the engagement not working...god it;s everything shaking up all of a sudden that turns everything upside down and the idea of starting again ? i know i've met this past lady in your life before at events, so i can't imagine departing like that was at all easy...but cheers to being such a boss in our 50's. See, now i'm even more sold, cause that's very hot ; and the vision of you in those gamer headsets, who knew even that could be glamorous - Beckett was a surprise; and i did have thought's about more - but with my job being so in demand even when he was a baby, one was enough for me. What about you, do you ever imagine a life where there were kid's running around your home ?

[echo-three-one]

Chapter 27

Who's still reading this? Have fun!

CW : character death (This spoils a lot I'm sorry but I have to put it.)

THE ROAD SO FAR

Previous Chapter : What's behind door number two?

Staying in Shape

John Price

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow, Scotland

It has been almost three days since the culmination of the New York Attack and most of his contacts regarding Nero and Shepherd's movements were quiet. He was getting anxious to step back into the fight, but without sufficient intel, or even better weapons, they couldn't do anything.

Price scanned the room, everyone else started to pair up with each other, a dynamic he expected to happen anytime soon. With all the challenges they've been through, finding love within each other was inevitable. And Price was fine by that. Heck, when he was younger, he had his fair share of romance during missions.

With the thought of Nero and Shepherd resurfacing any moment soon, Price devised a plan, to keep his crew in shape and always prepared to deploy as soon as sufficient intel is presented.

With the help of Jack, they created a training and endurance exercise schedule, where the soldiers, including Price himself, would follow to still continue to stay in shape and prepared for battle. They asked permission from Soap who was more than willing to help, an excited grin all over his face.

"I'll help you set up." he said, gaining a nod from the old man.

"France will train at the basement gym." He added and Soap nodded.

From that moment, the team started training, improving their physical abilities and endurance. Weapons training wasn't possible at the moment as they left it all in Brazil.

Jack overlooked the team from afar, Samantha and Maxine were at the gym helping out France's version of the training. They did the regular set of training from standard 141 protocol, using everyday materials in exchange for some of the equipment Soap didn't own. Price also instructed a specific dietary plan for the soldiers instead of just eating whatever they liked.

While on break, the two girls, Samantha and Maxine approached Price with an excited look in their eyes. Priced raised an eyebrow and asked what they were up to.

"Everyone's doing their best and We both wanted to offer our help." Samantha explained as Maxine inserted.

"We'd like to apply as the team's dietician and health consultant. My resumé is that I have vast knowledge in cooking along with their nutritional information." She grinned.

"And Samantha here has little background on tending to physical wounds and pain. You could see how fast Alex's face healed!" Maxine added. Price was more than happy to accept their offer, it goes to show that they were willing to give whatever it takes for the people and cause they cared about.

"Alright. Guess you're both hired." he chuckled as the two cheered and made their way to their respective 'partners', probably out to share the good news.

Wiping his sweaty forehead with a towel, he looked around the main room where everybody was. Jack was by the office, looking up something on the laptop or probably just playing solitaire. Soap and France were at the gazebo, he could barely see them by the angle he's at but he couldn't miss that flashy mohawk.

To his left, he saw Samantha sitting on Alex's lap as she carefully cleaned Alex's bruise, Roach sat on the other end of the sofa, chugging a bottle of Gatorade while Maxine stood behind him, he could barely hear it, but it looked like the newly hired dietician was already lecturing him about the benefits of said drink, saying the word 'electrolytes' somewhere in the sentence.

He felt proud that this team stood by him ever since he made that choice. He was very grateful that he had someone whom he shared common goals with.

"Price. It's for you." Jack called from the office, causing him to immediately get up and answer the call.

"Aye, this is Price. Got anything for me?" he muttered.

"John. Looks like your friend is on the move." Kate Laswell spoke on the other end of the line, her voice was authoritative as always.

"Which one?" he chuckled, it was about time he received some news.

"Shadow Company. Looks like they're brave using the same car again. Same plate and all." she informed, giving Price the last route they went before going cold once again. It led them to an empty warehouse just by the docks.

"Just what are these bastards up to…" he muttered.

"I have no idea. Think you'll do recon? It doesn't strike as a threat to warrant an official team, this leads really calling your name, John."

Laswell hinted. Despite him being out of the force and one of Fbi's most wanted, Kate insisted to use such perk for further trapping the suspicious Shepherd.

"I worked hard forming the 141 and he easily disbands it like it's nothing…" she added, her voice sounded very bitter.

"Now now, Kate. Take it easy. We'll get him. He's bound to fuck up anytime soon. Keep in touch, mkay?" he said as they both said their goodbyes and ended the call.

"A little recon mission won't hurt, right?" he nudged to Jack who grinned proudly at the solitaire victory screen, cards bounced all around the edges of the screen.

John Price found himself unable to sleep. It was either he's actually excited to do some missions or he's too worried about what they're about to discover, what would Shadow Company be up to and what is the quiet Nero planning behind the scenes? His thoughts raced to a dozen possibilities, all calling for drastic measures and sacrifices. He knew he had allies by his side, allies that are always ready to do whatever it takes to fix this mess.

He lazily dragged his feet to get a glass of water in the kitchen, despite being huge, the house was awfully quiet. Too quiet that he could hear every soft rustling from the halls.

He wasn't one to eavesdrop but he couldn't help but hear soft murmuring near MacTavish's bedroom.

"So.. um.. same time tomorrow?" said a low Scottish voice a chuckle followed. It was obviously Soap and Price thought only enemies were doing something behind the scenes.

"You wish.." a female voice giggled.

"But seriously… Thanks for tonight John." she added.

"No problem, Francine. So.. what's stopping you from staying overnight?" he chuckled. Price knew this was wrong but his glass of water was still half full.

"You know that I'd love to… but Maxine also needs me right now. Especially that she's slowly recovering bits and pieces of the past." she reasoned and Price knew it was time to head back to his room quietly.

Maxine Winters

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow, Scotland

It felt real. She looked around and felt that this was more than just an ordinary dream. The vision was too dark with a small ray of light peeking from the slightly ajar door.

She knew where this was. She liked hiding here, her parent's closet.

She was waiting for Francine to find her, Francine always knew where she hid. But in this certain memory, she wasn't there.

She giggled quietly and hushed herself as soon as the door opened, France was going to find her. But instead, what she heard was her Dad saying words of assurance followed by heavy breathing. She was curious enough to peek through the small opening.

Her dad carried her Mom to the bed, his hands held hers tight, wiping the sweat off her forehead as her chest rose and fell quickly, her breath was labored and her eyes looked tired.

"Hang in there, love. The doctor's on the way." his father assured, making his wife comfortable as they wait for help to arrive.

"I don't think I can make it anymore…" She whispered.

"No no no. Don't do this to me Coraline, don't you want to see our angels grow up?" he sobbed, tears fell on her hands as he kissed it. Maxine remained still, she wanted to cry but she just sat inside the closet, peeking, frozen in a mix of fear and worry.

"I do , Love … but it looks like my body can't make it to that day… I'm sorry…"

"Don't! Please Coraline, stay strong, for me… for the kids…"

"I am… and I know that you know it." she exhaled, panting heavily after the last sentence. Her Dad hugged her until her breathing stabilized, while Coraline weakly raised her hand and hugged him back.

"Promise me you'll see the kids grow up…

Promise me to tell them how much I love them every single day…

And promise me that you'll never forget how much I loved you… Francis Maximus Winters." tears fell from her tired eyes. Her dad held her cheek and wiped it off, sobbing as she slowly closed them.

"I'm not sure if I could keep all of those promises… but I will try… I love you Coraline Winters, I always have and I always will, until the time we'll meet again." he muttered. Maxine witnessed it all, the way her father's face frowned when he realized he just lost his wife. It was one of her saddest memories.

~

Maxine gasped and opened her eyes, touching her face as soon as they opened. Tears. She was crying while asleep. She flicked the lamp and looked around her, France wasn't around. Just as she pulled the sheets so she could leave the bed, the door knob slowly turned and a soft creak was heard. It was Francine.

"France!" Maxine gasped and immediately ran to her side, hugging her tight as she began crying. France smelled different, almost masculine, but she didn't mind.

"Max! What happened? Are you okay?" France quickly hugged her, rubbing her back as she quietly bawled out her emotions.

"I saw… " She panted.

"I saw… Mom…"

"Mom died…" She exhaled as Francine escorted her downstairs to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water to calm her heart.

"You were in the closet. We were supposed to be playing hide and seek." France muttered as Maxine turned to her.

"Francis… Maximus Winters." she recalled.

"That's dad's name. It's quite long, right? Mom actually liked him because of it." France enlightened, trying to make Max calm down.

"Yeah… is he ?" Max asked.

"Yeah… but he's kinda forgot about us now. Every time we visit he just looks for Coraline."

"Mom."

"Yes."

"He kept his promise." Max said.

"Huh?" France tilted her head.

"Mom's last words. Promise me you'll see the kids grow up…

Promise me to tell them how much I love them every single day…

And promise me that you'll never forget how much I loved you…" Max recalled from her dream and as more words were added, France's sobs were louder.

"He… he did them all…" France cried as they both hugged each other. And it was the moment that Maxine remembered what France looked like when they first met, her smile… It was the smile of someone who was finally reunited with her only family, and it was painful how the only ones she could cling to couldn't remember her.

"What's that smell?" Maxine asked as she killed the mood of the sisterly hug. France's face turned red, even in the dimly lit room, Max could tell that she was blushing.

"N-Nothing… I don't smell anything." She laughed nervously.

"I swear I passed by that scent somewhere…" she looked at her suspiciously and laughed, shrugging it off which actually made France relax her shoulders.

"Let's go back to sleep." Maxine invited her sister and they both got back to their room.

Next Chapter : Docked and Loaded

Notification Squad my Beloved

@beemybee @enderio @smokeywhalee @samatedeansbroccoli @whimsywispsblog @ricinbach

[bansept]

Family festival

A very big shout-out to @star-snail whose Ichihime fanart inspired this fanfic : it is a very beautiful piece that just radiates peace and love and fun to me, so I tried my best to convey this in a written way. I hope I do their work justice 🙃

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Japan is the land of festivals, Ichigo is pretty darn sure of that. He is far from complaining, especially because it allows all his family to reunite so that they can eat sweets, have fun, pray and just, be together.

For days, the house down the street of the Kurosaki clinic had been filled with excited chatters of both Orihime and Kazui, the little boy asking his mother about this and that story, his mother explaining with great details. The 5 year-old had looked at her like magic was pouring out of her mouth, which was probably the case, to him. Kazui had asked about many festivals, including the Tanabata one, which of course brought tears to his eyes.

"B-but why did they part away? Why aren't they together!"

He wasn't a fussy boy, very far from it. He was calm and collected, and obeyed all instructions, but when it involved anything bad, even remotely linked to his parents (a name in this case), he was crying.

So Ichigo had to assure him that no, mommy wouldn't go in the stars, no, they wouldn't be separated. Yes, he could have a big kiss from papa.

"Ichigo, come get Kazui please!" Orihime called out from their room, and her husband complied, leaving the kitchen to tickle his son, who was playing with a few toys near their sofa.

The boy laughed at the fingers on his sides, wriggling in his dad's arms. He shook his tiny legs to try to get him out of such a monstrous grip, but Ichigo had him in a hug in an instant, his son up in his arms as they climbed the stairs.

"Here is my prey... Where do I put him, Hime?" Ichigo chuckled in a fake deep voice, which pulled a squeal from his son, who extended his hands to his mom, hoping to get away from his horrible father.

"Oh, well how about you give this cute boy a bath before dressing him up? We'll be late..."

"We are supposed to meet the rest in an hour, Hime, don't worry."

Ichigo walked to his nervous wife and gave her a very gentle peck on the cheek, hoping to calm her down. Kazui turned his head to the side, suddenly interested in what was on the walls while Orihime blushed a little.

"... You're right. I'm just a bit nervous... I don't know why."

Ichigo gave Kazui a little kiss on the temple before placing him back on the floor, and rubbed his back.

"Kazui, can you go get ready for the bath? I'll be here in a second."

The boy, being the sweetheart he was, nodded simply and pitty patted to the washroom, leaving his parents in their room. Ichigo looked back to his wife and raised his hand to caress her cheek.

"Orihime? Are you okay?"

The young woman breathed out, going to hug Ichigo and burying her face in his neck. She melted in his touch when she felt Ichigo's arms wrap around her, drawing nonsense on the fabric of her kimono.

"I am, it's just... I'm reminded of... I don't know, everything. My parents, my brother... For the first ones, I still wish I had some knowledge of them. And Ni-Chan... He would have been happy to be with us."

Ichigo could only agree with her, only knowing one part of the way she felt. He wished his mother was here today too, to be with her husband and her children and now Kazui too. But it was impossible.

"They're not here physically. But the people we love are with us in spirit." Ichigo said simply, his strong arms tightening a little around Orihime, his face meeting with the top of her hair.

Orihime didn't answer, only hugging him more, letting her emotions calm down, the thrumming of her heart go back to normal. Those types of thoughts didn't come often, not because she was too happy to get them, simply because there was no reason to feel bad about the past. But tonight... Tonight felt different.

After a few minutes, Orihime gave Ichigo more of her sweet and enlightening smile, brushing a hand on his cheek to thank him before getting downstairs. Ichigo went back to his son, who was looking at his reflection and waiting patiently.

"Ah, sorry Kazui. Took more than one second. But now mommy is better and you can get washed!"

Ichigo started the bath and quickly but very carefully washed the boy, who giggled and tried to splash his dad with water multiple times, but was stopped with the promise of more treats if he was nice tonight. Wetting a kimono with soap-filled water? Big no no.

The boys got ready pretty fast, father making sure that son was comfortable in his kimono and waraji, not daring to try to tame his unruly hair. He really was like Ichigo in that department. The only way to make sure it wasn't all over the place was to cut them, even if another reason was more, hem, personal.

Totally not related to how Orihime all but loved to scratch the back of his head and it was easier done when the hair is short.

They got down the stairs, Kazui holding onto Ichigo's hand tightly to not fall, still not used to the straw shoes in his little feet. Orihime checked her reflection one last time before squatting to her son, giving him a big smooth on the forehead, praising Ichigo for dressing him so well.

Did the two blush profusely? Yes. One because he was a little boy and proud to make his mommy proud, and the other one because damn if his wife wasn't the most jaw dropping beautiful woman in existence.

A few knocks on the door wanted them of the arrival of the louder part of the family, as Ichigo jokingly called them. Isshin didn't really wait until anyone opened the door to burst it open, his laughter and happy face infectious.

"Ah! Where is my grandson! Oh, you look so good.. so cute my boy!" He sniffed, tears already streaming down his face as he kneeled down to hug Kazui. Yuzu almost did the same, but had some self restraint (thank goodness) and instead laughed with Orihime. Karin kept the door opened and saluted everyone calmly, without a word, but the smile on her face too obvious for her to pretend to be unhappy about the commotion.

-----------------------------------

All of them, after a lot of tears, walked to the closest festival stalls, the night setting in and the lampions lighting up the streets, giving it a fairy tale like atmosphere. Kazui walked neatly next to his father, holding to his arm closely, but his eyes darted everywhere in wonder. This green light, that blue stall... Some people wore masks and some kids were chasing each other with tiny fireworks in their hands.

"Let's get some food! Yuzu insisted on not making any at home as to not waste the one here..."

The young girl nodded her head enthusiastically while her twin sister trotted to a Ikayaki stall, asking for one before watching the drama play out.

"Well yes, because otherwise you would have eat like normal but all your appetite would have been gone with us and you would have complained about your stomach!"

Yuzu lectured her father, and Orihime stood next to her to tap her shoulder and calm her down, otherwise it would turn into a quite loud conversation. Karin came back next to her twin and gave her a candy apple, placing it in her hand.

"Don't mind him. Let's enjoy the festival. Let him eat if he wants."

The sisters walked ahead, not really caring about their dad's wailing, Ichigo pushing Kazui between Orihime and him.

"Tsk, he always has to be dramatic about everything..."

"But it's funny papa! When grandpa cries he always makes funny faces! And then I hug him and poof! Gone!"

Orihime gave her son a very sweet kiss on the forehead, because who wouldn't melt at the boy's sweet heart and words.

"Hm, oh, Hime. Look there."

Ichigo pointed at a stall with a shooting contest, which confused the woman at first, before she clapped her hands excitedly.

"Oh, we've haven't done one in so long!" She giggled, jogging to the inviting booth with Kazui on her side. Ichigo smiled brightly, shaking his head. Who was the child?

"You go win her a prize, I'll look after Kazui." Isshin told him, surprisingly calm after one minute of crying. He raised an eyebrow at his dad who clapped his hands together before raising Kazui in the air.

"Kazui, you'll see if your papa is good with shooting targets. If he's not, then you'll be staying with me for a while week!"

So, that meant going to bed very late, eating candy, not doing any kind of work and losing a few braincells because of Isshin cooing at him and talking to him like a baby.

No way was he going to lose. Especially when Orihime was watching intently, her hands holding each other on her chest.

-----------------------------------

Of course Ichigo won.

And got the biggest prize he could obtain, a grey teddy bear, proudly holding it for his wife. Orihime was filled with happiness, feeding him a chocolate banana from time to time.

The evening passed like that : between chatters, contests, street food and laughter, not a single Kurosaki wasn't smiling. The sisters stood close to Orihime, always hoping to spend more time with her, always hoping to find this reminder of Masaki in her. Ichigo walked by her side, listening to their chatters and keeping an eye on Kazui, who was getting sleepy.

"Papa?"

"Hm?"

"Who is that?"

Ichigo turned his face to look on his right, where Kazui had pointed at, but seeing no one. There was barely any civilian at the stalls around them, so it was safe to say Kazui definitely needed some well earned sleep. Ichigo crouched down to pick him up in his arms, patting his head gently.

"You're tired baby, were going home soon. You can sleep some if you want."

"But the lady..."

"Hm?"

Kazui couldn't say more, already closing his little arms and snoring softly. The day had been long, of course he was exhausted. Ichigo made sure he held him tight, the teddy in his other hand being a bit of a pain now. Orihime stopped to check on the little boy, her heart feeling like it turned goowee at the adorable sight.

"We should head back... Kazui needs to take some well deserved rest." Ichigo announced to his family, the two girls nodding in unison and Isshin hugging Orihime quickly before patting Ichigo on the shoulder.

"We had a great time, thank you, to the three of you." Orihime bowed and got her goodbyes back at her, Yuzu making one last joke with her before everyone returned to their homes.

-----------------------------------

Once Kazui was changed and put to bed, Ichigo cracked his back bones and brushed his teeth sleepily, now in his sleeping t-shirt and shorts. Weird how before he could have his bed time at 3 in the morning without any problem, and now 11:30 was the maximum.

He heard Orihime sigh next door, in their room, and popped his head out of the bathroom door.

"Hm?"

She laughed at his cute appearance and his puppy look, the head tilted to the side. She waved her hand as if to say "later, later" and went back to changing. Ichigo frowned, the infamous gesture that he had forgotten along the years bringing back the usual anxiety he felt in his younger days.

He spit in the sink and washed up his hands before entering their room and pushing the door closed.

"Hime, what's wrong? Please tell me..." He asked, sitting on the bed to watch her take her hair down, unleashing it from the tight grip of her sofisticated bun. She sighed again, and Ichigo frowned again, before going to hug him, the force of it pushing Ichigo to lay on the bed with his wife in his arms.

"Hime..."

"Nothing is wrong, I promise." She cut him off, rolling to her side if the bed and staring at his eyes. She was not lying, she was alright but then why did she sigh? Why did she look so exhausted when they return back home?

Ichigo still nodded, reassured to a point, before leaning down to kiss her in the lips. She gladly accept the peck, placing her hands on his face in such a sweet and careful hold, Ichigo definitely wanted to kiss her more. But she pulled away again, still looking at him with this strange look, one that made her eyes glitter in excitement. Orihime took one of his hands, so strong, so callous from all those fights, to place it on her belly, warm tears filling her eyes.

"I'm pregnant."

-----------------------------------

Oh I'm so bad for leaving this like that 😂 but then again, if you guys want the rest, you can always ask for it hehe

As I am not Japanese, I had to research for festivals and clothes and food, hopefully what I wrote made sense ;;

[fifteenskies15]

Twisted Kaguya Hime

(Tokito Muichiro x Demon! Reader)

Summary: Demons and humans never belong together, so does demon slayer and their enemy

Admin's Note: Wow, clearly I'm on roll today, I published two stories in one day, anyways, I have come back with Muichiro's content to feed to you all Muichiro stans, this might be kinda angst since reader will be a demon unde Kokushibo control but they manage to develop a feelings for Muichiro, but let's pretend that Koku had met Mui and that Muichiro have grown up now (approximately 18-20 y/o) here, as per usual, this story is gender neutral

Also, Muichiro might be a bit lovestruck here

"Muichiro...let me tell you a little story..."

"What is it mom?"

"This is a tale of a beautiful princess called, princess Kaguya... Once upon a time... There was an old and poor bamboo cutter called Taketori no Okina, he and his wife didn't have a child and they live in poverty..."

"One day, the old man Taketori found a shining bamboo stalk he cutted it and do you know what he saw? It's a baby girl in size of his thumb, old man Taketori was so elated, he and his wife raised her like she was their daughter and not only that, there's a small gold nugget inside, so... Taketori and his wife is no longer live in poverty, and their daughter, Kaguya has grown up into a woman with an extraordinary beauty..."

"This is the part where Kaguya get her lover, right mom?"

"Many hopeful youngsters did wanted to take Kaguya as their wife, but alas she rejected them all, even with five princes lined up to offer her hand of marriage, she rejected them all regardless, the emperor Mikado is also fell in love with the beautiful princess Kaguya, but alas she's also rejected him, saying that she cannot stay in the palace, but they stay in contact together"

"But do you know, Muichiro? Every summer night when it's full moon, Princess Kaguya is always crying, her adoptive parents were greatly concerned about her, but she was unable to say what's wrong to them, until she revealed that she was not of this world and must return to her people on the Moon..."

"So that means she had to left her parents?"

"Sadly yes... Kaguya hime loves her parents and her friends in earthly being friends, she was very sad but this has to be done...the Earth is not where she belongs, however, the capital of the moon is where she belongs..."

"Even so... Kaguya always missed the protectorate and the kind humans that see her of who she is..."

------

"Muichiro..."

...

"Muichiro..."

...

"Muichiro, my dear...are you okay?"

Muichiro tear his gaze away from the moon and turn his attention to you.

A demon...

But you're more than just a demon to him and he's more than just a human to you, even though you're a demon, a being he should be hated, obliterated and sent to hell, you manage to develop a feeling towards him

...Somehow...

Somehow he manage to grow something inside you, inside your soulless and supposed to be numb body

It's none other than love...

It's been quite a while since you feel something like this, or maybe because it's the first time you feel this, all emotions you could ever remember is sadness and rage especially what your family had done to you back then...

"Fufu... You have been gazing upon the full moon, is everything okay?"

Muichiro just give you a smile "Ah, just remembered the tale my mom used to tell when I was a kid..."

"Enlighten me..."

Muichiro rest his chin on his hand, smiling at you "The tale of Princess Kaguya"

A warm smile spread on your face "Ah, I have heard that story from an old couple I met once, it's sad that Princess Kaguya had to go back to the moon to join her people..."

Muichiro nodded, looking wistful "If she's real, I wonder what she's thinking about the humanity now..."

You didn't care much about humans (except for him, of course) but you know exactly what he meant "I don't mean to be presumptuous, but she could be weeping at how humanity change in a terrible way..."

Muichiro nodded and sighed "either it demons and people the Earth is not the same as she remembered, it's quite sad when you think about it..."

"Mmh... My so called parents are one of those people," you said laying down on the grass while looking at the moon "Poor Kaguya had to face the reality of how this world is soiled"

Muichiro lay down next to you, his mint colored eyes find your (E/C) ones "Say (name) if you are Princess Kaguya and I'm the lucky man who manage to have you as my wife/husband, but you're still had to go to the moon what will you say or do?"

You looked at him with a smile and looked at the moon "even if the heavenly beings told me to stay with them, I will not listen to them, that's probably sounds bold and too forward, but what can I say?" You grabbed his hand as your fingers intertwined.

"I'm head over heels for you, and if I'm being forced to go to the moon, I will make my way just to see you even if it means I had to rope the Earth closer to the moon"

Muichiro smiled warmly at you as he gripped your hand tighter "I would too... I know you're a demon but I can't help but having strong feelings towards you..."

He sighed and looked at the moon again "It as if it was yesterday I almost killed you, I mean, well, you did almost slaughter entire village, I don't even know what came into me and... Well... Here we are, being closer and didn't care about who we are..." He said, his face illuminated by the moon.

"If...if there is a chance you could become a human again...(Name)...will you..."

Muichiro stopped, he seems unsure about continuing his word and this is so not like him, is he...being nervous? Agitated even?

"Will I... what, Muichiro?"

He took a deep breath, he sat up then look at you, directly into your eyes "I know it's been a half of year since we met but... I have been thinking... I don't want to lose you just yet, so...will you marry me?"

You widen your eyes, and you have strange feeling inside your chest...

Was it your heart beating?

...How?

How is it possible?

But you couldn't help it and you smiled...

"Muichiro..."

"Well, isn't that sickeningly sweet?"

All too familiar voice cutted you before you could say yes, and to see upper moon one.

Your creator, Kokushibo.

"Kokushibo-sama!" Your body went autopilot and bowed at him, Muichiro just froze, but it's obvious his eyes are gleaming with rage

"Now it's clear why you have been disappearing lately" his eyes looked at Muichiro who looked like he's veins about to pop, Muichiro gritted his teeth as he saw an upper moon in front of his eyes "You have been doing some disgusting thing with my descendant, I see... That behavior is clearly not something to be forgiven"

Kokushibo slowly unsheathed his sword and glaring down at you "You're awfully aware that his Lordship is not pleased with your tomfoolery, (name)..."

You gulped and freeze in fear, you have once got the taste of a punishment from your Creator and you can't imagine when his master knows about what have you been doing behind his back, before you know it, his grotesque looking sword were swung towards your head and to be blocked by Muichiro.

"Like hell I would let you touch her/him, I don't care if you're an upper moon, but if you touch her/him, I won't hesitate to fight you here and now..."

"M-Muichiro..."

Kokushibo looked at his descendant in amusement, he manage to parry his attack, causing Muichiro backed away from the impact.

"How valiant, you think you have what it takes to defeat me?"

Muichiro disregard him and looked at you "(name), are you alright, my dear?" You just nod, a warm tears trickle down from your (E/C) eyes, Kokushibo just clicked his tongue and hit Muichiro's pulse point

"Muichiro!!"

He nonchalantly stepped over him and grabbed you by your collar, as he glared at you

"(Name), I'm sure you're aware that this place is not for you and no longer your home, and on the note, humans and demons doesn't belong together..." He said as he glowered at you, you swore you could hear venom dripping from his words "...and whether you like it or not, you don't belong to him" Kokushibo said pointing at the unconscious Muichiro, and pointed his sword on his chest.

"Even though he's my descendant, my kin, he's the enemy of his Lordship, I won't hesitate to kill him right in the spot" he pressed the tip of his sword as if he was going to pierce his sword through Muichiro's beating heart.

"I'm still merciful enough because I like you (name), it's your choice... Come with me and I'll let him live... For now...or..." He pressed his blade slightly harder that blood sapping out, slowly tainted his uniform "No, no, no!! Don't kill him, please!! I will come with you, but please spare him, Kokushibo-sama!"

Kokushibo looked at you then put his sword back to his sheath, walking towards you with a smile, it's rather mocking... "It wasn't so hard now wasn't it?" He said as he put his hand on your cheek

"And I am a man of my word, I won't kill him, at least for now, and you..." He paused for a bit "...you will stay with me till that day comes" he turn his heel and looked at the sky, "The moon is beautiful, but as beautiful as it is, in few hours the moon will sink and the sun will rise, we better go unless you wanted a worse death than being killed by his Lordship"

Honestly you would rather die because of the sunshine than come with him (despite the fact he's your creator) but if it means he kept Muichiro stay alive...

Then you had no choice

You looked back at Muichiro's unconscious form and teared up slightly, and dropped something in purpose as you followed Kokushibo to fortress of infinity...

"I'm sorry, Muichiro..."

----

Few hours pass, Muichiro came back to his senses, he jolted awake and looked around "(Name)?! (name)!! Where are you?!" He winced when he felt sting on his chest.

"That bastard..."

He looked around for you and to see something gleaming under the moonlight

It's your amulet necklace...

He took it and looked at it, it has (F/F), hollyhock and ginko leaves symbol on it, he remembered the day you showed it to him

"See this amulet, Muichiro? I made it myself, I added the ginko leaves because for some reason it reminded me of you..."

"Oh really? And I could guess that (F/F) is your favorite flower... Is that supposed to be the symbol of our unification?"

"Maybe? Okay, yeah, maybe it is..."

Somehow he could feel sadness radiating off the inanimate object he's currently holding.

He knows...

He knows that you won't see each other from now on.

"(Name), my love..."

A single tear fell on the amulet as he gripped on it, sadness replaced with rage as he gaze upon the imposing, full moon

"Just like princess Kaguya, you left me to be somewhere you belong to..."

He looked at the amulet as he remembered that tonight is the last night he see you

"Just like princess Kaguya, someone take me away from you just like how they separate her from the emperor..."

He put the amulet around his neck and gripped his sword

"Of all the things had happened, I will twist the tale, just you wait, my dear..."

His once full of life mint eyes turn back into his lifeless one but it gleamed with desire and vengeance

"I will came to you, and make sure you fall into my arms once again..."

----

Admin 15: Oh damn, Mui is a lovestruck yandere in the end,....and I kinda live for it, maybe I should make something with yandere trope for my next story, hehe

Anyways, I'm so sorry that this story make no sense, I might be on roll but I guess I'm being overexcited about it

[the-amalgam-house]

It's been really tough mentally... well for my whole life but these past couple months? Have been an especially rough spot. Without access to a therapist, there's a lot of stuff that we collectively have to sort of sit with and process on our own. None of us are mental health professionals nor should we have to be, so getting through and processing past and current traumas, finding buried memories, all this has been a huge struggle.

While we took notice much earlier, several years at least, last year was the first time I, as Toby, was able to admit openly that we are a system. And it's been both scary and exciting and enlightening and confusing...

My parents don't know. Some of my closest friends still don't know. It's mostly just some some internet friends who are also systems, my siblings, and my wife. It's been really tough to have to keep some things away from some people, mostly my parents, but it's honestly due to safety issues and the fact that you know...my dad, as much as I love him, has always been our main abuser and my mom, as much as I adore her, is all religion all the time, and those things make me feel that it's not safe to tell them at all. Because of the guilt they might feel or the shame they might instill in me over something that we can't control.

I think The Amalgam only started to slowly be revealed to me only when I was finally stable enough in my own individual identity and established as enough of an adult to be able to take on the process even in the slightest capacity. And I guess that's the point. Before then was way too unstable in any aspect of my life to throw "by the way you're actually like 8 different people being barely contained in a trench coat" into the mix.

I want us all to work together and get along. I want us to be able to share memories and information with each other in order to help each other heal. I don't think I can actually fully reach that level of healing without professional help but I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances.

I'm so tired of all of it though. One moment I'll be so upset that I'm not an individual person in my own individual body. The next I cry because I'm so grateful for every member of this system for doing their absolute best to keep us all as safe and healthy as possible. Sometimes I wish I could just be alone and it could be quiet for once, and then when it is quiet I get worried that they're either gone or were never there to begin with and I'm a fraud. Honestly this is the only time I can recall having any significant amount of imposter syndrome. It's always with identity. Never with my art or relationships in outer world, JUST anything dealing with identity. It fucking sucks.

It makes me sad, too, knowing that because I know I have DID that means it's not just /I/, is it? No, we all have DID, or OSDD, or whatever it is with varying degrees of various types of amnesia among all of us... that none of us can escape it. Even those of us in the system that don't have event or emotional memories still had to spectate. They still had to WITNESS the terrible things. Not a single on of us is unscathed, except for maybe Belly, who is brand new and a child.

It isn't fair. It's not fair to any of us for this to have happened. We couldn't even make it out of childhood before being traumatized. And there are plenty of people who are traumatized young and still coalesce into one identity, I'm sure, and while that doesn't make us any kind of like... weak willed or anything, and we all can enjoy the company very often... it's still unfair. To all be bound to a progressively ailing body, trapped indoors never able to fulfill any kind of dreams separate or collectively. To be stuck at never growing up or in a form they aren't used to or any of it. It's not fair.

And to feel like we "weren't traumatized enough" to "earn" or "qualify" for such a seemingly intense and stigmatized disability. Like what? Before transition I didn't feel trans enough. Before knowing what adhd and autism were I didn't think I was "bad" enough. After the 2011 incident I didn't feel I was sick enough to qualify as disabled. And this one is the same. I feel like my trauma shouldn't have been "bad enough" to warrant the splitting and the anxiety and the ptsd etc etc.

But the fact of the matter is that no matter how much I feel that way, it still is. The truth of it is that we ARE a system. We ARE all here in this one body. We ARE traumatized and trying to wade through it for the rest of our lives.

That's just how it is.

[travelingthroughtimejjs]

High school- and friends

When i went through that first enlightenment period of my life, I realized I didn’t really have much money. Sure my dad paid for me to participate in sports and stuff but I didn't have money of my own and couldn’t really get the things that I wanted in life. So I worked my ass off doing just random small jobs for my dad’s friends and at home to earn money, I was always working to try and make myself into something.

I saved up enough to buy my first iPhone in grade 8 and bought myself a longboard, which were big purchases for me back then. I applied to get my young workers certificate the day I turned 14 and gave a resume to every single store in cornerstone. My resume was shit, I hadn't done anything at that point in my life besides raise money for relay for life and volunteer at the SPCA for 6 months. I only heard back from one place, Sobey’s and they laughed at me when I told them I was 14. So there went that dream.

In grade 9 my friend groups started to blend. All these people coming together from different backgrounds in one place. Being the social butterfly that I am, I tried to make a friendship with every single person in the grade. I actually think I did a pretty good job of this within those 4 years, I can say I had some sort of relationship with almost every single person by the end of grade 12. 

It also gave me the opportunity for my friends to meet each other, I introduced people like Short and Matt to the people that I’ve been hanging out with for years. I became really close with Corrigal and our friend group hungout almost every single day together. There were a lot of us but we would have our own parties and get together to drink at someone’s house almost every weekend. The guys I was closest with at this point were Josh, Liam, Matt, Tyler, Jaxon, Jeremy (who I just met), Reese, Corrigal, Short and although he was still in elementary school kept a relationship with Rhys. 

The girls in our group were also pretty cool back then, spent time with Kate, Taryn, Nikki, Sydney, Selena, Billie and Cami. 

I didn’t really try the hardest in school until grade 12, I was more so focused on having fun and my sports. 

Throughout the years the girls started to care less about us and were doing their own thing. I started making some friendships with some other guys that I didn’t ever have the opportunity before like Crawf and Fuzz. 

My mom was really reflecting on her health and she knew we were going to be leaving soon so she let me throw huge 100 person parties in our basement a couple times in grade 9. Pretty wild for some 14/15 year olds. 

At this time I started kind of getting into the dating scene, nothing ever really came out of it but I was learning. I couldn’t drive at this point but I started going on date’s with a girl named Emma. I would pay to go golfing, go to the movies, we’d go play tennis or we would just hangout at one of our houses. We were even posting pictures on our social media together. Seemed like everything was going good until she randomly texted me one day saying that we couldn’t keep seeing each other, it was pretty random but I went with it. We still hungout from time to time after, even went on a few more dates but nothing came from it. I later found out that her reasoning was that I was too short for her, which was honestly pretty valid because she was 6 foot tall and I was 5 foot 7 haha.

Everyday after school Jaxon and Tyler would come over to my house and we would watch hours of Netflix together practice beer pong in my basement. That changed at the end of grade 9, Matt had asked me if I wanted to come volunteer with him at an event at the Co-op where he worked, of course I said yes because I didn’t really have much going on ever besides working out. I met the HR person from the Co-op at this event, Matthew, and he loved how charismatic I was, asked me if I wanted a job at the Co-op with Matt. I was super happy because the prior year I tried so hard to find a job. 

I worked my ass off at the co-op. Matt left after a couple months of me being there which meant I was the only student left around to close the Meat department. That meant I was going in after football practice for 3 hours to do all the intensive cleaning. As you can see, school still wasn’t my biggest priority. I wanted to buy a vehicle so i worked as much as I could. This was in grade 10.

Grade 10 was a pretty big year for the boys. We ventured out from our small group parties into huge parties, the rookie party era started and the boys weren’t shy about going out. We went to everything, no matter what. I always said I wasn’t going to let work interfere with my social life so I would show up to the Co-op absolutely drunk as fuck still from the night before on multiple occurrences. But the boys meant so much to me that it was worth ti every time. At every party you could find me talking to people’s parents, building relationships with everyone I could. I grew especially close with Jeremy and Liam at this point and we did basically everything together. I still maintained my brotherhood with Josh, a task I always found easy no matter how different of things we were doing. Grade 10 I became pretty close friends with Dyllen. Tyler wasn’t really associated with our group due to fucking up too many times. 

I also continued with my relationship building skills. I wanted to be remembered by every single person, so I put in so much effort into getting to know people deep down and trying to actually become their friend, asking them the real questions. I did this especially with my teachers at school, I was always asking them about their life at home and I got some really personal stories from teachers like Mme Chan, Miss Welter and Mr. Germs. I think I earned the respect of every teacher in high school. At the same time I was still my attention seeking self and wanted to be heard in class. I volunteered to read every time the class was asked upon and tried to crack some well timed jokes. At work I learned so much from the adults there and got basically their whole life stories. I loved to learn about other people, it made them feel special and it built a strong connection with them.

They started hiring more young people at Co-op around this time. I made some awesome friendships with people like Zach, Dante and Ivan. Especially Zach though, we would spend every single break together either going for lunch or playing baseball behind the store.

I had my second real thing with a girl in the summer between grade 10 and grade 11. Her name was Brooklyn. Dyllen was dating her best friend Jaici at the time and had invited me up to Brooklyn’s cabin to hangout for the July long weekend. I was off from work and thought we might as well go. I met Brooklyn and we hit it off instantly. She was fresh off a breakup though so I wanted to give her some space. She ended up getting back together with her boyfriend after a couple weeks and we obviously stopped talking. Then when her and her boyfriend broke up again she texted me immediately. This was right at the beginning of grade 11 and we spent a lot of days hanging out together, with Dyllen and Jaici some of those times. She wasn’t ready for anything serious so we just eventually stopped talking. She ended up dating Matt a few years later.

A lot of the same old at the beginning of grade 11. For me, playing football, partying and spending time with the boys. I loved it, formed so many good relationships with those guys. I became really close to Rahman at this point. Halloween of that year my life changed drastically, but I’ll write more about that later. I started dating Eden and that meant my time with the boys plummeted. I was super busy at this point in my life. I was playing basketball 6 times a week, playing hockey 2-4 times a week and working every Sunday. I somehow balanced it all but lost touch with the boys because of it.

Long weekends were always such a special time for our group. Everyone would take the weekends off from work and gather at the lake for a weekend of catching up. They really kept the boys together in a way that is hard to describe. For me I almost didn’t play spring football one year so that I could go to May Long but I got talked into playing from the coaches. Aug long was my time to shine and I always appreciated Rhys’ and Corrigals’s hospitality towards me. 

The end of grade 11 was the second huge reflective moment of my life. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. My career choice at the time was to be an architect based off of Ted Mosbey from How I Met Your Mother. I was taking a drafting and design class and I loved it, took all three levels (10, 20, and 30). I needed to figure out how I was going to turn into it into my career, so my choice was to apply for Engineering at the University of Saskatchewan and specialize in structural engineering and then move on to the University of Calgary to get a degree in architecture. I started trying extremely hard in school to set myself up for this path. Jaxon and his girlfriend also broke up when we were in grade 11 and the guy has never been the same since.

I was working almost full time at co-op, while still participating in my spring sports and didn’t have as much for the boys due to me trying hard in school now with that other stuff. I didn’t have any money to go to school, maybe 5000, which wouldn’t get me far so I needed to keep working.

In grade 11 my grandpa had died and although I saw it coming and was extremely sad, he left me 5000, this money really helped me get my education. 

In grade 12 I was the biggest try hard in school, and I was getting awesome marks because of it, as good as I really could get while playing a bunch of sports and still working a bunch. But I also came to a realization that all those relationships I had worked so hard on for those 4 years were going to come to an end, I wouldn’t be able to see the same people everyday and have those real conversations with them. I started going out a bunch again in grade 12 because that was what I felt I needed to do to hold onto those relationships. It was tough to balance everything but I always made it work. 

Billie and Cami were still super good friends of mine throughout all of high school and we sat together in every class. I was going to ask Cami to grad but she ended up asking Rhys before I had the chance.

Grade 12 I formed the tightest bond I think I ever had with Josh even after knowing him for so long, we had such similar career paths in mind that we helped each other strive towards them. That’s when Jackson came along so become one of my best friends, although his work ethic was a little different than ours, he was naturally smarter and didn’t have to work to the same degree, he still had very similar ambitions that helped us grow together towards our goal. We all planned our university lives together and spent a bunch of time as a group, we planned to find a place together. Our original plan was to get a place at College Quarters but when I called to ask about the availability when we got accepted in January, they had said that the application deadline was in November so we were way too late. Thank God though because the situation we found ourselves in was a million times better. At co-op they hired a kid named Lucas who I took under my wing and made a really good friend of mine.

Me, Josh and Jackson were so set on this goal of moving to Saskatoon and we knew it wasn’t going to be cheap, when the graduating class was all pushing the idea that we should go to Mexico as a grad trip, the three of us initially decided against it. We were thinking that 2000 could mean two months of living in Saskatoon. I think I was the first one to come to the realization and I brought it to the boys. We were NEVER going to have an opportunity like that again, so we signed up. I was lucky because my dad and Nicole combined some money together and gave me 1100$ to go. The trip ended up being around 3000 by the same all the money was spent there, but I don’t regret it one bit.

Grad retreat was a super special day to me. One last effort to spend time with all the people that I tried to befriend throughout my 4 years. I’ll never forget that big tackle football game the boys had going on. It was also an opportunity to let everyone know how grateful we were. I wrote so many notes and dropped them on peoples baskets for them to read later. I still go back and read the notes people wrote me at least once a year.

At graduation time all the work I put into my relationships was finally coming together. I received the highest valued scholarship at the St Mary Grad ceremony, I was getting really nervous because as the list dwindled down my name wasn’t getting called and i really thought I wasn’t going to win anything. But there it came, the last scholarship 2 500 to the person who displayed what it’s like to lead in all aspects of life. All the teachers had voted me this person, I didn’t have the best marks in our class, I had a 94% average in grade 12, there were about 20 people with higher averages than that but at the end of the day it was my personality that had me winning, maybe not deservingly so because there were a lot of brilliant people who were also leaders in different ways. I also won a 500 $ scholarship from the Kinsmen Club Prince Albert for being a community leader and then 250 $ for having the highest average in Drafting and Design 30 (in which I was the only student). I also got a 700$ scholarship from the co-op that i worked at. Pair those winnings with the 2000$ entrance scholarship I got from the U of S, I was capable of attending university. I had about 7000 saved from the co-op, 5500 in scholarship money and the 5000 from my grandpa’s inheritance, this was enough to take me through the first couple of years. 

[queenofthecommunistcannibals]

Okay, take 2. Hopefully Tumblr doesn't freak the fuck out and eat it again then go "whoops! Looks like something went screwy!" Screw you, Tumblr.

Sorry still angry about my 30+ minutes lost to time. And a really well written eloquent response lost to time. Ah well. C'est la vie.

Anyway I grew up in New Jersey about 20 min outside of Manhattan. My parents are very accepting (indeed, they have more trouble understanding asexuality than the more "classic" letters. But they are trying, they don't get it, but they are trying). I knew LGBTQ+ people from early childhood. The first gay couple I ever met I met before I could even remember because my mom had a good friend from nursing school who is a lesbian so I grew up knowing her and her partner. There were bigots in my life, of course, but they were balanced by LGBTQ/queer neighbors and teachers. In my life and nuclear family love was love and I knew that. Homophobia was an outside force. My parents have trouble understanding enbies, asexuality, and aromanticism but they don't hate it. They don't want to hurt me. It's more pathologizing it (my mom's first response. Still. But she is trying) and making jokes (my dad's. He doesn't realize how much it hurts. I think he still expects me to meet someone who will "sweep me off my feet" [his words from a few years ago. Long Story.]) You know. The usual.

The words "gay" and "queer" were pretty much synonymous in my real life. Both were used as insults by assholes (especially in highschool) but both were also used by LGBTQ+/queer people. It was a shield. You cannot hurt me with this word because I own it. "Not gay as in happy queer as in fuck you.". It was not so much more taboo than gay as it was less commonly used both as an insult and an identity. D*ke and f*g were in a hateful class all their own.

And it wasn't as if it was completely enlightened at the time/area. But there was always a support system for LGBTQ+ kids. But this was also back in the early 2000s. It was mostly just LGB at my high school GSA. I knew trans people existed but I didn't know anyone personally until college and I definitely didn't have exposure to the idea enbies until either later years of high school or early college. I didn't know about aros or aces at all. Everybody had romantic and sexual attraction, it was just who it was for. It was much more the exclusionist view of LGBTQ+ politics. Not the hate part, more just the wider view wasn't really in the venacular yet. I don't remember any trans/ace/pan issues coming up in high school at all. All LGB and the idea of T. Like I said, almost entirely LGB. In high school I thought I was a lesbian but I am not going to go into my label journey here. It is long and traumatic and that wasn't what you asked for lol. I had a much harder time reconciling the insult of "virgin" rather than "gay"/"queer"/ or even "d*ke". There was a network for the other ones.

Anyway after that I went to college. My collegic career is long and storied. I went to school for a bit in Vermont where I assumed I was bi (a lable I picked up in my senior year of high school) and I hung out with a couple of LGB kids, but I mostly worked on getting my grades up and school crap. In terms of politics I was much more involved in neurodivergency (I had some serious anxiety and depression issues as well as ADHD) than LGBTQ+/queer stuff.

Then I transfered to school in NYC. A suuuuuuper LGBTQ+ inclusive campus in the heart of Manhattan. Proudly the Alma mater of Laverne Cox. It is a liberal arts school best known for its drama department. It was LGBTQ+ eeeeeverywhere. It was through the LGBTQ+ club that I first found out that asexuality and aromanticism existed what they were. I had heard the term "asexual" at that point but no one ever defined it and it was always an etc. I wasn't part of the club (I was crazy focused on my school work and wanted to stay on the Dean's List after clawing my way onto it despite my mental health stuff) but they had an event that included defined terms. Anyway that's another story. Queer was among them too and queer was a word thrown around campus a lot. After that the ace community I interacted with was largely on Tumblr. I did other LGBTQ+ stuff in real life, but other aces were entirely online. I learned the intricacies of aro and ace on Tumblr and the more I read the more I connected to it. The more at home I felt. Tumblr really was where I went as an ace specifically. For info and support and to compare my experience. Anyway Tumblr is important for aces is all I am saying.

I majored in literature. I took a lot of courses in literary theory as part of that. Queer theory was an academic lens we were encouraged to engage in. It was just an accepted term. I think I mentioned the teacher who introduced me to the whole field of queer theory was a very proudly queer woman who told us a story about using the word queer and discussing with her wife how they should identify and use the word and if "queer" overrode "lesbian" or should it be in conjunction with it. She was very into identity politics and queer theory and deconstructionism. Just a very academic woman in her real life. A self proclaimed "giant nerd" in a literary theory sense. She tossed "queer" around very casually. Because literary theory was a huge part of my major and especially after I started identifying as ace (and was super happy to have a label that I felt finally fit) I started doing a lot of queer theory papers and things. Using the "queer lens" to study a lot of different works, including an ace reading of Washington Square by Henry James. Queer was official and academic. Older papers might have said "gay and lesbian" but it was all "queer" now.

But I think at that point I was still bouncing between neurodivergency and LGBTQ+ issues. Whichever I was struck by at the time. In college I faced a lot of ableism that the school handled badly. But again I don't feel I need to revisit that now (or show my cred online by talking about bad things that happened to me, regardless of what gatekeepers seem to think is their right).

At that point my being asexual was never an issue. I had other friends who identified on various parts of the Kinsey Scale and my being Group X didn't throw me out of the circle. No one tried to take queer away from me. There were people who identified with it, people who didn't, but, at least among the English majors, it was just accepted. Gay meant specifically and solely "attracted to the same gender.". And I had aces online.

I did a lot of growing and discovering in college.

Anyway after college is when stuff changed. Both the queer community (and after college that was less academic and really just online. I didn't interact much IRL out of the cishet world just because that's where I was, my LGBTQ+ friends were online) and in the cishet world. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I was getting older. It was less and less acceptable for me to not be interested in sex and romance. I remember in the WTNV community there was a huge unnecessary blow up at an ace fan and that seemed to be the start of the exclusionism for me at least. The first time I saw it. Now in the cishet world I was becoming more of an outcast and suddenly online I started hearing the whole "queer is a slur" thing. And whenever I heard and saw queer is a slur until very recently it always signalled an exclusionist. The problem with queer was, when you dissected the argument, that is was too inclusive. It might let those childish asexies and fake enbies in. And as it has become more clear that we aren't going away the fight against queer has doubled down. The arguments became more transparent.

I only realized recently that what the real problem with us exclusionists have is is the same as the cishets' problem with us. They don't understand us and they don't want to. We're broken. We're weird. We're unacceptable (I have an earlier post talking about this).

It wasn't until I got to talking to a coworker of mine, a trans aroflux ace, who grew up in Alabama that I heard an inclusionist say he didn't use the word "queer.". His explanation was "personal reasons, growing up" and because it was not my place and I am not an asshole I didn't pry further. I thought it was odd, but I didn't think much of it. Then I had you and another user, @dinofucker9000 (not coming up but maybe I am misremembering it) say that it is not such an accepted term everywhere. And I realized just how privileged I am to have a background in such an accepting/forward thinking part of the world and having my academic background.

As an insult "queer" took a backseat to "gay" and by the time I graduated college the wide academic use of "queer" and historical implications of it (I like spite) had washed the bad taste out of my mouth. If somebody threw it at me now, joke's on them.

I spend a lot of time thinking about words. I like the way "queer" looks and sounds. I like that it is all encompassing. I like that it is a blanket we can all snuggle under. I like that it is a place you can go even when you aren't sure of yourself. I like that it is an adjective. And an actual word. I hate how clunky the acronym sounds, how hard it is to say. I also hate that it forces disclosure. You must have a letter and that letter must be deemed acceptable. And I don't like Alphabet Soup in that it comes off as childish. It drains the "fuck you.". But I didn't face "queer" as only an insult for most of my life. People saying "queer" as an insult became a joke. It was ours and the only people trying to take it from me were the people who ignored my traumas. And dear God, I have a lot of it tied to being ace. More than I even realize as the Disk Horse has me revisiting different events in my life. I face aphobia everyday, more than I ever did homo- or biphobia. But I understand that is a privilege of living where I do. That doesn't mean aphobia doesn't exist in other places, there are aspecs from other parts of the world who site their own fears as part of the Community rather than this being a uniquely whiny Westerner phenomenon.

"Queer is a slur" was always meant to disarm me, whereas "we're here, we're queer" was always a weapon for me to use against the world that becomes less and less accepting as time goes on. So I guess to me "queer" was the "neurodivergent" or it filled the same roll.

@queenofthecommunistcannibals

first off sorry about the irritation in my first reblog, have a bit of frustration on this debate with the friend of mine I reblogged from, not excusing myself but wanting you to know it wasn’t you.

Second since it was kind of a more reactive conversation I wanted to let you know my full position on this and I’m interested to hear yours since it seems we work from the same objective

My opinions toward Qu**r as a word is that it personally makes me uncomfortable, it was something I just kind of tolerated for the longest time but inclusionists who advocated against it pushed me to a firmer stance since it was really that I just didn’t have enough of a spine to argue against it, and quite a lot of people are still in that boat of personally having either discomfort or trauma attached to the slur but feeling coerced into using it or not speaking up because the word has become completely ubiquitous. It’s used academically, it’s used in pop culture and consequently it’s use by people outside of the community. and unlike gay it was arguably “reclaimed” but never really decoupled from it’s original meaning, IE gay has been used as an insult the last couple decades but it’s use as an insult has different negative connotations linguistically than it’s use as a slur. IE Gay used derogatory in recent times is just a way of saying “dumb” as opposed to it’s use as a slur, whereas while Qu**r has fallen in and out of usage it’s always meant fundamentally the same thing “weird, unusual, not normal” and while a lot of people find empowerment in claiming that a lot of us do not, so the fact that in legal, academic, etc settings the label is forced on us and apart from that we’re pressured to use it is a big problem, especially those of us who have experienced it being used as a slur by bigots with power over us, or who are unlikely to face consequences for anything they want to do to us.

I disagree with Lily Orchard’s video on the subject in one or two minor places but I’d suggest watching it to get an idea of how a lot of us just feel beaten down by it’s widespread condoned use, her as someone who’s been harrased for her distaste for it quite a lot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54pnDjkUuuU

 I do think we need a word with Qu**r’s linguistic function,, LGBT is great for reffering to us as a group with a lot of different experiences but their still is a shared [Qu**r for current lack of said word to demonstrate what I mean] experience and we need a word for that too. To build on what orchard says I just don’t want the clinical word to be the equivilant of what r*tard is for those of us that are autistic, LGBT+ needs a word that fills the same role as “Nuerodivergant”