#so i couldnt watch it in full
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These two lines in the movie make me the most mentally unwell.
"I should have been the one to go. You needed your mother more than you needed me."
The amount of layers to this, oh my god. He's blaming himself for being alive. He probably wants to die. He genuinely thinks Adrian needs Emilie more.
And it's been YEARS since Emilie's passed away. Look how tiny Adrian is over there, he only just about comes about the bedpost. Gabriel still looks like he did in the pictures of when Adrian was little. It's been literal years. It could have literally been a full decade ago.
And Gabriel breaks the narrative here. He's supposed to be telling a story, he's supposed to be saying what happened in the past. But at this point, he doesn't say "your mother was taken from us" or anything like that referencing Emilie's passing. The story breaks, he's using a statement. I should have been the one to go. It's completely out of the story, because he isn't saying what he felt then, there's no "I felt like I should have been the one to go". It's just "I should have been."
Because he still thinks this. It's been about a decade, and his opinion, his feelings about this, is still "I should have died". It interrupts his storytelling because of how strongly he feels this way, almost like it's a fact to him.
And then he follows it with "You needed your mother more than you needed me." Again, he says this like it's a fact, like Adrian actually did need his mother more. Because he believes it himself. And this could be because of so many things. It could be because of the way people consider the mother to be the one supposed to care for the children much more than the father, or it could be that Gabriel himself didn't see how much Adrian needed him, or even that Gabriel didn't see himself as useful to Adrian. Especially because he said he should have been the one to die. He's essentially saying he was useless. That he was expendable but Emilie wasn't. He literally is implying he doesn't see any worth in himself regarding being a father.
And then it's not just his grief, it's Adrian's grief that has him desperate to bring Emilie back. He literally doesn't care about himself, he wants his son to be happy and doesn't see himself as able to do that. He loves him to the point of being suicidal and self-sacrificing if it would give Adrian what he need, all while simultaneously not seeing himself as what Adrian needs because he doesn't think he has that much worth regarding him.
#it is one am and i am on my shit#Gabriel agreste has made me so insane about him ever since i first watched the show#like he's unironically been my favourite character. probably because i wasn't able to watch the full level of his bullshit in the show#movie gabriel is exactly the character i wanted/envisioned gabriel to be and the redemption was exactly what i wanted#and i will randomly remember the movie exists and die inside when i remember this scne#and don't get me started on how many times he tightened his grip around adrian when hugging him oh my god#this man was so convinced he couldnt make adrian happy himself he didnt see that Adrian was slowly recovering on his own#and the fact that Adrian wasnt even angry he just understood he knew and he hugged him oh my god#adrian had finally learnt to let go and now he wanted his dad to let go too-and dont get me started on how he calls gabriel dad#also “you have to let her go” maybe its not just Emilie herself he meant but the idea of her and what she meant#like the idea that emilie was perfect emilie is what adrian needed that gabriel is nothing next to her#aughhhhhdhhshsjsjsshsh im going insaneeee#miraculous awakening#miraculous ladybug#miraculoustalesofladybugandcatnoir#miraculous movie#gabriel agreste#adrian agreste#chat noir#hawkmoth#hawk moth
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what ur favorite dsmp character. like i feel like its wilbur but i wanna make sure. my favorite is technoblade cause adowdiafjjef idk man i love him so much
#further discussion in tags i wanted to keep the post empty for hilarity#YES SORRY C!WIL HAS CONSUMED MY EVERY WAKING MOMENT. MY WIPS AND MY GALLERY IS FULL OF C!WILBUR#hes so. he was selfish and he dared to dream and he wanted and he almost got it and he watched it all crumble before him through his hands#or anothers and he was back and he wanted to fix everything but he couldnt (like putting a bandaid on the crater) everything#goes unsaid everything gets stuck in his throat in the end he ran off again and there are only two directives for him: live (failed) and#learn (failed) and love (almost)#he is a fifty-thick layer of actor-metaphors and masks and costumes and roles to play. there is so much more 2 say but im running out of#words#imagine it like a sliding scale of favouritism and c!wil has gone beyond and is just sitting above the scale and under is c!quackity#-> c!SBI -> cranboo -> ccharlie -> so on so forth#i love ctechno too theres so much going on with the motherfucker (affectionate) i could draw him in So Many Situations too#and the fan designs are so >>>>>>>>>>#and the blood god imagery is SOOOOOO >>>>>>#the brutality and gentleness he is oft depicted in is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#image stolen from Ratthew on twitter#hymns questioned
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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.
Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.
#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that#here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking#that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like#have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production#on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still#get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues#as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing#days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials#and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic#and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that#done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated#on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big#Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually#hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary#everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I#enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all#lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like#I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the#architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of#city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public#transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those#spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still#definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter#ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise#condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh
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like if u asked me hey joelle what have u been up to the last three months that have kept u from bein a full time blogger has it at least been fun or productive. id have to be like. i dont fucking know. ive been watching a lot of movies on the couch
#and playing a lot of pokemon until the switch killed my hands#then i remembered i could put the switch on the tv screen and kill my hands less. but then i couldnt watch movies so i stopped doing that#have u at least been more present in ur life w the less screen time. no. have u kept on top of ur self care tasks. no.#but the movies are fun :)#i dont i simply dont know what ive been doing with my time bhsfg not anything thats made me feel even a little bit better in any way#so i guess the patient does need full-time blogging to live. ill get back on that at some point
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[Image description: A digital drawing based on María Álvarez from the film María, llena eres de gracia. There is a dull red border around the piece. Maria's face is only visible in a small square near the left corner of the border, looking off to the side with her hair messily drooping onto her face. Her mouth is open to show a sliver of her teeth, but her expression is unclear. This square is situated above a drawing of Mary - mother of God - but the angle is off and the elements don't align perfectly. Mary - who has a hand placed over her heart - is drawn with a blue, hooded robe atop a long-sleeved red shirt with a gold trim. She's wearing a doubled-up pearl necklace, which resembles the halo that is around both of their heads. This halo is made up of white, wrapped-up pellets of drugs. The background for Mary is a blue colour while María's is purple. On the border, the phrase "nombres/given name" (which is usually present on Colombian passports) is written, and below the border, in a larger text, it says "llena eres de gracia". The lineart is a thin, invariable, and dark blue.]
Inktober - Day 7 (Passport)
Film - María, llena eres de gracia (Joshua Marston, 2004)
#inktober#inktober 2024#maría llena eres de gracia#maría llena eres de gracia fanart#maría álvarez#maría álvarez fanart#maria full of grace#maria full of grace fanart#digital art#this was the film i studied at a level spanish so tbh i couldnt weigh in on the true merit of it#like i enjoyed it and i thought on rewatch all of the symbolism is very rich#and maria is a brilliant character (blanca also grew on me in rewatching it which was controversial in my class)#so i would say worth a watch defo but i gen have no idea how it would be recieved outside of how i studied it#brilliant performance for defo tho#song of the day is heaven up here by echo and the bunnymen <3#(the first and only band so far ive seen live so very very good#i love the way mac sings in this song i love fun and interesting delivery in music
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BenzGarfield at the presscon for This Love Doesn’t Have Long Beans
(x, x, x)
#i am going to sleep now i almost couldnt remember the damn title when typing this#hoping one of the news channels uploads to YT quick so i can watch a full recording over breakfast#this love doesn't have long beans#benzgarfield#benz atthanin#garfield pantach#i love them i love them i love them#kentakim au in my mind fr#pit babe cast#change2561 cast
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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my verdict on the day of the doctor novelization is that the plot is still so stupid to me but at least i can live my life knowing moffat can write ten marginally correctly but he only keeps it in a novelization where nobody is going to see it. (my personal highlights under the cut)
him. aroace
this is a really good take on the ten and river dynamic, they're acquaintances and ten purposefully keeps it that way. the "time can be rewritten maybe her horrible death that happened in front of me can be prevented if i stay away from her" really goes well with how he's left after the events of journey's end
"he had to stop thinking before it tore him apart!" is THE most ten narration i've seen in my life. i need to eat rocks
this part just makes me really really sad. the dissociation between the tone and what's actually happening (him getting tortured. for months). how he's so clearly not acknowledging what's happening to him (he won't describe the screaming as his own). how he latches onto the only other presence there and focuses on charming her and making her laugh??? this also makes the hinting at a romance between ten and elizabeth that moffat does, extremely fucking upsetting because you can see how ten is just so fucking lonely and on instinct attaching himself to anyone who has any amount of regular presence to him. even if. well. you know. the torture.
like this. see. i need to be shot
you will hear from my lawyers steven.
[coughs up blood]
the "over and over". i need to be put in a blender
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
#i say marginally. it's not perfect. but he manages to get ten's general vibe down well and wow i didnt know u had it in u dude#manic and melodramatic. talking himself hoarse. pacing everywhere. repeating what he's saying over and over#simultaneously fearing and embracing death. full of so much love and anger and grief. like yeah .. thats my boy... he is here..#but the queen elizabeth marriage plotline is still. Annoying ! (i can see v clearly that moffat is trying to do like#a madame de pompadour 2.0 re: queen elizabeth in the novelization and it's like. steven he's aroace we've established this)#and i still. dont like what this overall story is trying to accomplish! but this is the fault of the episode the novelization cant fix that#but besides the expected gripes i have it was much more enjoyable to read than watching the actual episode#the structure of it was fun and does a lot in making use of the written medium that u couldnt do in tv live action#dr who#10 era#11 era#aspec doc tag#also realizing all my highlights are a singular aroace ten moment followed by ten being the saddest wettest beast you'll ever see. lord
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every time the new guy at work does something so unbelievably brainless that all i can do is stare at it with my mouth fucking hanging open, all i can hear internally is when he confidently told me "yknow, [perfectly competent other coworker] hes just not all there. he just acts without thinking. i dont do Anything without thinking it through first. 😏."
#i just watched him test if the condiment dispenser was working by literally just Pouring mayonnaise out of the machine and onto the counter#while the little cups we use to catch and hold the stuff was literally an inch away#i try to be so nice but i couldnt help it i full volume went WHAT are you doing.
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#shenanigans going down in the kings harem 🤪#this was so crazy tommy really went full sun king picking a new mistress in that episode#peaky blinders#tommy x michael#tommy shelby#arthur shelby#john shelby#michael gray#im posting all my drafts if you couldnt tell#i havent wctually watched peaky blinders in like a year
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They should make a support group for kids who had too much unrestricted internet access as a kid because it is just so complex. I also do not want to bring up pony.MOV in an expensive therapy session.
#been watching rainbow dash presents and MAS and listening to some old pony songs#i heard 5 seconds of love me cheerlie and i suddenly remembered what being a kid was like#its kind of sad how much my childhood was full of online stuff that i couldnt even process but then again my brain was fried with grief#at the time#good god though#but!! on a lighter note i loved and still love rainbow dash presents#i didnt even realise it was based on fanfics until i was halfway through it as a kid#i was a bit dense#but i was 8#but their Rainbow is... very me i love her#pinkie also#i realised thats why Gay Bar is so familiar to me because pinkie sings a snippet in it in episode 2#anyway#YEAH 2012 was a great year for me but i was so weird#cookie rambles#mlp#my little pony#sonic#sonic videos were very this#nostalgia
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Every so often I get sad over never having the canon twilight/hunger games phase or boy band phase
I just never could get into as my mother would call them those "teeny bopper boys" aka one direction,Justin Bieber, BTS
#IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE APART OF IT YAKNOW#i couldnt even like taylor swift#i hate everything ppl think is fun#the most boy band crazed i ever was was over jonas brothers for like a month ish and thats just cus i fixated on their show#now that i think about it i mainly watched it cause i thought chelsea kane was very pretty#and now im realizing i just straight up had a crush on her#also looking that show up it ended in 2010 and kevin then started married to jonas in 2012 that is such a fucking quick turn#I WASNT EVEN A FULL PHAN#the edits of dan and phil and ppl shipping them weirded me out but tbf all real life shipping weirds me out so much#i now find it funny how clear the glass closet was for those boys but god it mustve been so uncomfortable for so many ppl to call u gay#way b4 you were ready to come out#the amount of 2010s celebs that annoyed me is outrageous ngl#i was a certified hater#still have that certificate somewhere when i need it most
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skip intro? never. in order to properly build up the cozy comfort you have to belt out the song every forty minutes while binging this show its written into the contract.
#gilmore girls liveblog#if you're out on the road feeling lonely#all you have to do is call my name and ill be there on the next train \o/#where you lead i will follow (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧#i think the last time i watched this much gilmore girls was on teds 90s tv with a fake fire on my ipad propped in the fireplace#that was when i was writing the textbook and i couldnt sleep at night even though i was working till like 3am#so i would come home and eat peanut butter and watch gilmore girls and fall asleep on the couch#I loved that house so much i think that was the one place i lived that really felt like a full home
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i'm realizing i might be the target audience for soap operas
#ama mumbles#im so mesmerized by this stupid thing i need to watch a full soap opera at some point#well i did want to watch desperate housewives and couldnt find a way to so maybe ive just always been like this
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ouaaaaaghhh i've been on a bit of a pokemon binge lately......... i should crack open my old pokemon games and take a peek at my teams :,) i wish i still had my old copy of conquest and black 2 though............ :(
#gu6chan's musings#im so sad because literally ALL my pokemon games i've had as a teen i still have#up to sun and moon which i got on christmas when i was NINETEEN lmao!!!#but yeah pokemon was technically my first fandom ig???? i used to watch my brother play pokemon yellow and crystal a lot when i was TINY#but i never ACTUALLY played pokemon or video games in general myself until my older sister surprised me with my first video game console#and video game when she came up from florida 😭 a black dsi with pokemon black; i was 13 and my dad HATED her for it like 'Why are you#giving her videogames??? she's a girl :/' BUT I HAD IT!!!! MY FIRST EVER POKEMON GAME THAT BELONGED TO MEEEEE#i loved the SHIT out of that game and then got black 2; soulsilver and platinum; pokemon conquest; got the 3ds games...#i still have platinum/soulsilver as well as all the mainline 3ds games i believe#but conquest; black; and black 2 i lost :( literally my FAVOURITES i took them everywhere with me (which is why i lost them lmao)#funny enough i know exactly where black 2 IS though; its in the pocket of a jacket i owned but lost back between 2013-2014???#if i find the jacket it will 100% be in there; i just couldn't find the jacket and tbh idek if its still around anymore or is in storage#but if it is!!!! i'll literally cry lmao#black 2 is where i got my first level 100 pokemon; a magneton....... i ADORED that little bastard ouaaaghh....#i dont believe i ever managed to get past the league in black 2 though bc i remember being so pissed i couldnt get to see the other side of#the map beyond castelia city lmao#14-15 years old and i STILL didn't believe in stat moves 😭 i deserved to get shot#But fun fact: I DID get a new copy of Black a few years back!!! only it 1. already had save data on it and 2. it was full of rare/hacked#legendaries young me could only ever DREAM of having so i can't get myself to restart the save data even though i rlly want to.......#oh but funny enough!!! i also still have the 14 y/o dsi i was gifted back then; it still works though the battery cover is missing so you#have to hold it lol#but aaaaa so many fond memories of playing black and black 2... black 2 especially since i never really got to finish it lol#like#i finished the main CAMPAIGN with plasma and ghetsis trying to fucking kill you and all that (Something which i remember being so :0!!!?!?!#when i first saw it omgggg its such a clear memory aaaa) but i think like#i got up to the league and could never beat it........ so i just went back to training my mons till i got a level 100 magneton lmao#so many good memories; i hope i can get copies of black 2 and conquest again someday...
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sorry I know I said I don't do discourse but this has bothered me So Much since this whole catastrophe has started
the original statement was worded so vaguely yet precisely enough to get a very different image across to the listeners. like the wording was vague in a sense that made it sound like what went down was much, much more sinister and in a way that would resonate with victims of SA who were actually touched in areas around their genitals or other places on their bodies that are generally considered very sexual. the whole thing was worded in a way that made it hard to listen to for people who went through SA so they would fill out the blanks with things they experienced. and it makes me so very angry that something like this was used against an innocent man and against all the victims that wanted to support her.
#litchi.txt#vent#discourse#its just. since I first heard it because I did watch the stream#I couldnt even go through the full thing because it made me sick in the stomach#the wording was way too specific to Not conjure up images of hand that goes way too low on the waist or way too close to breasts#or between thighs#like that was so fucking intentional because it feels shameful to admit that someone touched you like that#especially because men do that and they slide their hands under your clothes and its Disgusting#and idk. I just feel gross for her and for myself. I feel used in that way. its awful
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