#its kind of sad how much my childhood was full of online stuff that i couldnt even process but then again my brain was fried with grief

[cookie-dough-writes]

They should make a support group for kids who had too much unrestricted internet access as a kid because it is just so complex. I also do not want to bring up pony.MOV in an expensive therapy session.

[compassionatereminders]

I hate the way social media influences young kids these days. I understand each generation has its own thing that older generations don’t understand/like, but it’s not social media itself that is the problem for me. Like, I get it, the world revolves so much around the internet now and it’s inevitable the generations to come will be effected by it more and more, and in many ways I think it’s good. I learn so much stuff from social media every single day. It’s not even the fact that kids are “changing” - that may not be the case at all - it’s the fact that they put so much of themselves on social media and broadcast it to the world, where so many people, people who may not be safe or kind, dwell and lurk.

Why are 12 year old girls pouting and twerking in front of a camera? Like I said, it’s not that these things are new - children grow up and do stupid things, act older then they are e.g - the concept in and of itself is not new, but social media still kinda is and it’s so sad to see how much more influenced they are to grow up. I have a younger sister who is 13, almost 14, she’s got anti aging creams ?? And hates the way she looks without concealer ?? These are not things she needs to worry about, these are not things even I need to worry about yet, because I’m only 21.

It’s just very sad tbh. Not to be all Boomer-like but I kinda wish I could just stick a bicycle in front of them and tell them to go out and play and just be kids and stop worrying so much about wrinkles, or push-up bra’s. I just wanna drill it into there heads to have a childhood!

I know kids will grow up eventually, especially as they enter their teens, but it just seems to be hitting them younger and younger.

Yeah like at this point we don't even know the full consequences of growing up on social media, but there is definitely a lot to worry about. I'm actually quite happy that I was 15 before I got my first smartphone, and that a big part of my childhood was spent playing with Littlest Pet Shops or The Sims, and not on worrying about presenting myself online while being bombarded with advertisements trying to sell a fake idea of perfection no one will ever reach

[golvio]

If you’re boycotting an artist or a work you formerly loved because they’re a huge piece of shit, like JKR for her anti-trans views, it should feel like a sacrifice. That sadness at not being able to go back to the previous relationship you had with that work you loved is a normal part of any sort of estrangement, and it’s important to acknowledge the good qualities that initially drew you in instead of denying or dismissing them with sour grapes “Well, it’s not like the real estate I gave her in my childhood was THAT important because she was always unilaterally bad and OBVIOUSLY kid me was just a stupid, gullible rube for falling for it in the first place as opposed to a regular kid responding to someone who at least knew how to be engaging and entertaining as a storyteller even if the plot itself was full of holes on closer examination.”

Otherwise, for the stuff that remains entertaining or meaningful even after you become disillusioned with the creator, you’re not going to be willing to part with it at all. It’s like the shit with the Wizard Video Game from earlier this year. “Oh, but the game looks like so much fun and it makes me feel good to play open world games with magic! Surely it can’t be THAT bad! I don’t want to miss out talking about it with my friends/my adoring audience on social media, so I’m just going to pirate it and then squee about it online and give it free positive advertising through word-of-mouth like a normal piece of media I don’t have complicated feelings about! Surely that’s the exact same as not watching/playing it in the first place~ 🤗”

Like…if you’re not willing to make actual sacrifices that deny you the gratification of Consumption because you have to divide everything into “Fun And Therefore Good” and “Absolute Dogshit With No Redeeming Qualities To Begin With,” then you’re likely not going to be have the willpower to stick to principled stances on bigger, more important things that require sacrificing basic comforts you take for granted once things start to get hard. You need to have the maturity to recognize the ways a work can get its hooks into you, or when you get sucked in by the charisma of somebody who’s kind of a jerk in other respects, so if you don’t actually want to support the creator or hang out with the charismatic jerk for personal moral reasons, you can disengage even if you’re Still Having Fun and that makes the disengagement painful.

I think we need to get more comfortable with the idea that sometimes shitty, racist, homophobic, bigoted people are still incredibly talented.

I feel like every time I see a post addressing someone’s shitty behavior the post also takes the time to mention that they’re not even good at [x] anyway. And that’s just not always true? Equating being good at a skill as being morally good is just not necessary. Someone can be a fantastic writer, can have a beautiful singing voice, can create breathtaking artwork, and still be a horrible person.

I know part of this is probably just the instinct to dislike everything about a person when you dislike them, but I also think this mindset leads to people defending creatives way past where they should, because if bad people create bad art, then if this person creates art that I like and resonates with me, then they can’t be a bad person!

And you know. That’s just not true. Those two things are simply completely unconnected and I think it’d be healthier if we all started disconnecting them in our heads.

[anemonenemerosa]

The Spare - Chapter 12

Here we go! Thank you, @lumosinlove for the SW-verse!

Chapter 12

Out of precaution, Regulus decided to sneak into Malfoy Manor through the kitchen window. He scoffed at the thought that everyone always assumed he was a model son. Sure, he kept his head down, all appearances and he was once very eager to please his parents but that didn't mean he hadn't a rebellious streak.

Sirius often got caught trying to sneak out the house... through the back door... too obvious. Idiot. But he learned over time. Regulus, on the other hand, learned to pick locks and sneak out of windows quiet early on. It was much stealthier and more unsuspected from the obedient, quiet kid.

Around 16, Regulus did this very often, trying to live a little under the thumb of his parents and while pretending not to. Sirius was bold, brave and often getting shit for it. Regulus was collected and sneaky. His escapades went unnoticed. It was all about the right balance. He asked to go out often enough to be considered normal. His parents said no more often than not and Regulus just had to ask for events he was not really interested in. When they said no, he would obediently stay at home and just sneak out to the stuff he actually wanted to go to. Unsuspecting.

He went to several high school parties and concerts, albeit hating crowds, because that was what teenagers did right? What they enjoyed. Regulus did not enjoy the drinking, the stuffed rooms and the gross drunk make-out sessions. Maybe he was born as snarky old man, always been more of a Waldorf, in need for his Statler.

Once in his room, Regulus showered, changed and was just in time for Lucius to take him to practice.

The mood in locker the locker room was disgustingly cheerful. Several Death eaters were reciting their favourite slurs against Sirius and all the “faggots”, how they called queers, in general, accompanied by hollering, whistling and applause.

Regulus thought of Sirius, of Ben and Mateo, how kind and loving they treated him, and it took all his badly patched up self-control to keep his expression blank and polite. This is not right.

He did not return to the shire this evening. Instead, he spent a long time running in the neighbourhood of the Malfoys, trying to sort through the last days.

When he collapsed exhausted into bed this evening, he came to the conclusion that there was actually no way he could get through the mess in his very own… The psychologist-thing was meant as a joke at Thanksgiving, Black…

                                                    oOo

The next evening, he nervously rang the bell besides the name tag Hayes/Alves, not knowing whether someone is even at home but he was let into the building and a moment later he found himself unable to knock on the door to their flat. These people owed him noting, why would they even let him in again after he practically stormed out yesterday?

The door was yanked open anyway and a relieved looking Mateo pulled him inside. “There you are, we were worried!”

“What? Why?”

“You were rather upset when you bolted yesterday” Jo provided from the kitchen, a spoon in her mouth and an almost empty can of ice cream in her hands.

“Hey, there you are!” Ben chimed happily, stepping out of the bathroom in his pyjamas and towelling his hair.

“Are you guys mad?” Regulus blurted suddenly, “You don’t know me, I stormed out yesterday after all you have done like an ungrateful asshole and you are actually happy that I'm back?”

“Sure.” All three answered as one, baffling him completely.

“Why?” He was almost desperate, “You have absolutely no gain from me being here... I am just a rookie so no one will buy my secrets from you, I am rather rich but you have nothing to properly blackmail me so what do you want?!”

“Are you serious?” Jo asked after a short silence.

“No, that’s my Brother, I am Regulus.” he answered absentmindedly. Ben and Mateo snorted but Jo just looked puzzled.

Regulus looked back, similarly puzzled. “Sirius Black, the famous, freshly outed, Captain of the Gryffindor Lions?”

Still nothing but a furrowed brow... “NHL?”

'Yeah, yeah, heard of it but hold on, your full name is Regulus, like your real name? And your brother is, in fact, named Sirius, that’s not a fake, too?”

“That is your Question? And no, its Sirius Orion and Regulus Arcturus Black, actually.” Jo anything but shrieked, joining the other two hobbits already shaking with mirth by now.  

“Ok, that’s - that’s just bad, I'm sorry” she wheezed after a few minutes.

“I always thought these were aliases… I see that I need to revaluate my bad-name categories.”

“Alors, I call you Josephine from now on?” Regulus was met with a surprisingly deathly glare that sent Ben and Mateo straight into another fit.

A grin started to tuck at the corner of Regulus’ lips but there were still pressing questions.

“Jo, you have no idea of the disaster that went on? You didn’t even check Twitter?”

“Nah, I don’t frequent social media. While I prefer to limit my direct interaction with other people, assholes accumulate there and throw all their bullshit around, guarded by the anonymity of the internet. I think a dentist appointment is less annoying.” The grin tucked again. This weird mixture of slang and hoity-toity wording was just gold.

“But you do watch ice hockey?” He was not sure why that was important for him. Maybe to find out, what she knew about him, maybe because to find out more about her.

“Sometimes yeah. For me you are Reg, the rather giant dude that slept on our couch, that prefers his tea bitter and gross and does not say thank you. The guy with the enjoyable dry humour and good taste in literature that luckily balances his abysmal taste in movies.”

At that Regulus laughed, too. He didn’t know, why exactly but he felt giddy with the idea that these were the first people who wouldn’t define him through hockey and his family.  That although they knew of his profession, here was just Reg, not Regulus Arcturus Black, Son of Orion Black, number 72 of the Snakes. Maybe I can have this, after all.

Is this, what Sirius had with his team, with Remus? Another pang of guilt let the laughter die in his throat, his eyes welled up. Not again…please.

But there was no time to recompose himself. Quickly, he was shoved onto the couch, wrapped in the chicken-blanket and surrounded by these idiots caring for him for some reason he still did not understand.

For the third time, his walls broke. Where there even walls by now? Regulus felt rather leaking with emotions.

But of course, he could not keep it in around them and spilled all his life to the three of them, not in as much detail he told Mateo in the hospital but also not keeping his role of Sirius’ outing to himself. Once all was out, there was a tense silence... of course there was, he just told the gay couple in front of him that he forced his brother out to be tormented by a crowd of imbecile haters on the internet.

Regulus was sure, his little excursion into a happy family ended now. Just as he guessed on the first evening here but instead of scolding and disapproving, cold glares he found himself hugged by Ben, again. He gives good hugs; his brain supplied uselessly.

“It’s a shitty move to out someone Reg, there is nothing to sugar coat.” Ben sighed.

“But what they did with that information and how the people online reacted is not your fault.”

Regulus said nothing, just closed his eyes and buried deeper in the shoulder of Ben, who practically sat on his lap to reach the height for such an embrace.

“But your feelings were hurt, too at that time and a lot of people used you. Fuck your family. You know what, I’m your mom now!”

Regulus just continued crying silently into Ben’s Shoulder, Mateo’s hand rubbing slowly over his back, chuckling at Ben’s statement.

“Mother hen.”

This showed what he had suspected for a while now, proof that his parents were not just a little strict. That something in his childhood went horribly wrong and he has no idea what to do with that information except crying it out.

When he calmed down a bit, Ben and Mateo got up to make some tea and finish dinner while quietly talking in Portuguese. So, it was something he was not meant to understand. His stomach knotted uncomfortably.

“Reg?” Jo tried quietly, she had not reacted in any way so far. He had even forgotten that she was still perched on the carpet beside him and somehow, he dreaded what was to come next.

“Hm?”

“Earlier, at the door, as you said that you do not know of what use you are for us as we cannot even blackmail you... you were not joking?” He shook his head, new tears threating to well up. How were there still tears left and what happened to his composure again?

“You really expected us to just care for you as long as we could gain profit?” There was no accusation in her voice just sadness and concern. He shrugged his shoulders; did he think that? No, but this was the only form of interaction he knew, everything always came with a price, an expectation.

The next thing he felt was Jo not practically but literally perched on his lap, straddling his hips, wrapping her arms around him and leaning her cheek against his temple. He knew already that, opposite to her brother, Jo was not the touchy feely type with strangers.

He was not considered a stranger anymore, after a day?

“I don’t know if there is anything one could say to make it better, so I will just keep my mouth shut and hug you until you believe that we like you and care for you. Just like that. As long as it will take.” She wiggled a bit to demonstrate getting comfortable.

There was nothing sexual about the embrace although they were pressed together from shoulders to hips und she just wiggled in his lap. It was completely opposite to the girls that approached him at the parties he sneaked out to. These were eyeing him hungrily, like a trophy. Some of them (very drunk, to their defence) even told him how similar he looked to Sirius… and how sexy they found his brother. He shivered a bit at the memory and gladly went back to reality.

“You might die of old age while waiting.” Regulus lifted his head to check the effect of his attempt in humour on her face but she just tucked his head back, giving a soft huff.

“Nah. 'M convincing but probably need to excuse myself to the bathroom or the fridge in between”

He closed his eyes again, wrapped his arms around her waist and relished in the hug without questioning why this hug felt different, more intimate than Ben’s or Mateo’s.

After an undefinable amount of time, the men came back with plates of Vegetable Quesadillas and Guacamole.

“Comfort Food, my avozinha’s recipe.”, Mateo commented

Instead of answering his question for cutlery, Ben met his eyes, pointedly grabbed a Quesadilla, dipped it in the guacamole and shoved the whole thing in his mouth without breaking eye contact.

Reg snorted with laughter.

                                                oOo

Of course, Ben spilled more than just a little on his shirt.

While Ben and Jo were cleaning the dishes and Ben, Mateo came over with a fresh cup of tea.

“Hey” Reg lifted his head. “I’m talking now as your fried -or co-mom, apparently- that just happens to also have studied medicine” he nodded for Mateo to continue.

“You went through a lot. Not just lately. And you struggle to cope.” Alors, the poker face seems to be gone…

“I do not say that you are weak, you are not! But you might want to consider the help of a therapist to sort through your feelings and your past. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of knowing your boundaries and taking care of yourself. I do not want to talk you into this, you need to want that for therapy to help. So, take you time to think about that, if you need. You can always come to us to talk but no one here is a therapist so we can only help you so far. OK? We are not disposing you to a shrink. Our door is open for you but you might want to have different type of help.”

Reg sat the in silence after this speech, hand running through his hair and rubbing his neck.

He had thought about that, more and more serious since Thanksgiving but hearing it and having the confirmation that he was welcome here …a thought formed in his brain, shortly followed by his usual determination.

"I want this to stop. I want to get better." He looked at Mateo and was met with his signature genuine, warm smile.

"You have a team therapist, don't you? It might be the fastest way to an appointment."

Reg grimaced at the thought of Dr. Slughorn. Generally well-meaning but when in doubt always humouring Riddle.

"I wouldn't trust him with taking the trash out." Regs grimace it met with a raised eyebrow.

"Do you want me to help you find someone else?" Mateo asked carefully and after a relieved nod from Reg, continued. "OK. Good, this is really good. Now for the next part."

Reg furrowed his brows

"Ben and I talked, and we want to offer you to stay here for a while after All Star, out of the clutches of your family. Of course, you have to go to practice and stuff but maybe it would be healthier for you to feel less controlled, less suffocated by them. We would find something else for you to sleep on than the couch, of course." Mateo joked.

Reg blinked at the guy in front of him in disbelieve.  Encore: What the hell? "You would do that? Let me stay?"

"Yep. We are your moms now, after all." Ben all but yelled over from the kitchen.

 This isn't a fever-trip. This is a dream, and I hope that I will not wake up too soon.

This night, he spent in Jos bed.  

"The couch is lumpy so we will share that bed. I'm not ruining my neck for you." Was her announcement before she marched off, Reg in tow.

He was led into the room, expecting a bedroom and was greeted with a little bureau.

"Erm..." Was all Reg could say.

"Well I only stay here during semester breaks so it's mor like a multi-purpose room." Jo seemed to miss the point entirely.

"But there is no bed?!"

She gave him an odd look and... folded a mattress out of the closet? "You've never seen a Murphy bed?"

"Obviously."

A little while later Reg squeezed himself beside Jo in the double bed. How does such a small person take up so much space?

“Won't it fold up in the night and swallow us whole?" The thought made him nervous, but he was greeted with the Hayes™ way of soothing. Bullying into feeling better.

“Not with your fat ass in here. Sleep or I send you back to the couch.”

They did not sleep for a long while.

Instead the talked a lot like on the first morning that felt like years ago although it has been just two days. In these days, his life was turned inside out, fortunately. He liked this version better.

The more they talked and bantered, the more Reg understood, that she really did not calculate her moves but just did what seemed the honest, right and fair choice… which is why she was horrible at the midnight chess match: Not thinking a few steps ahead and no intention of sacrificing figures or threatening enemy figures… irritating and endearing.

Also, she had quite a lot of very good burns but apologised every time afterwards. Hilarious... too nice for her devilish mind.

The next morning, he woke up around four, with Jo's back tucked against his side. He had slept about two hours, not able to sleep any longer anyway but he stayed in bed, secretly enjoying the feeling of a warm weight beside him.

Thoughts about his brother were still omnipresent in his mind but right now, other thinks demand his attention. Reg was pretty sure that he was falling for Jo.

He had had one or another crush in school but what he felt now was magnitudes stronger. Coming to think of it, his feelings about Ben and Mateo were also magnitudes stronger but... different. The idea of the girl he just met not being within an hour driving distance, once she returned to Boston, left a weight on his chest, accompanied by an unfamiliar longing.

But that was not the point... everything would be OK with that point. The point was, it's not the same as he heard all the other guys in school, in the locker room talk about girls… he didn't get off imagining her naked, or both of them having sex, he never thought that about anyone, actually, and was convinced the boys boasting about how they want to hit all these girls and how they got horny every time some girl with a too-short-to-be-comfortable skirt walk by, were just exaggerating… or were they not? Was there something he just didn't understand, hadn't experienced yet? It's not that he hadn't had sex before and it was nice enough, but he never quite understood why people would go absolutely nuts about this past-time exercise. It was basically wanking with extra steps.

Hell, Reg felt not even aroused by Jo's ass pressed to his thigh in her sleep but he was very sure that he wanted to hold her close, feel her skin under his hands, her body pressed to his, to kiss her and be definitely more than friends with her; And he had absolutely no idea how to explain this to her and still hope for a chance of dating her eventually... This was not what people were looking for in a partner, was it?

He groaned... was there nothing simple on this world for him?

But then again, Jo was different, that's why he liked her, she had this no-bullshit attitude that let her stomp on several feet regularly. She was the only person he knew that would most likely appreciate if he just spoke his mind about the situation and have a balanced, rational and decidedly calm discussion about their feelings. He silently laughed. The thought about such a conversation was ridiculous but fairly simple. Maybe this would be easier than he first thought. He was not sure on what terms they would end but the situation would be evaluated and free of misunderstandings at the end.

He would talk to her after All Star, after facing his brother and trying to... what?

                                                     oOo

Telling Lucius and Narcissa that he wanted to stay elsewhere for a few nights went smoother than expected. After a short call with his mother she agreed to give him a bit of freedom. After the outing, his parents seemed to be eager to keep Reg as the good son. So, Walburga was in kind of open for some little claims. Of course, she wanted to know where he was staying so he pretended to need alone-time after the shock of his brother's outing and booked a hotel room until All Star as cover. He was definitely not risking his Mother taking this very fragile attempt of escape away from him.

Reg quietly packed a bag with clothes to take with him directly from the airport after All Star and spent his waiting time at the airport on the phone with Mateo, looking for a therapist. He would meet Dr. Bones close to the Hospital, Mateo worked at, next Thursday.

The flight with Snape was horrible. Reg tried to keep his thought about Sirius at bay, not checking social media at all but Severus kept sneering about Queers in general and Sirius. He laid open all the information he could dig up out about Remus and even announced proudly, that he forwarded it all to the commentators of the red carpet

Oh… merde. C’est pourri! They are in for a shit-show.

But Reg would not have to opportunity to contact Sirius before that.

[weirdlandtv]

Like the 1960s generation had The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and Bob Dylan, the Big Three of the 1980s were Prince, Michael Jackson, and Madonna. Their new albums weren’t just song collections, they were messages uttered by the Oracle up on the mountain, echoing across the valley. They were events, statements, re-incarnations. Each new album presented a new persona for fans to imitate and for critics to evaluate, or, in the case of Prince, decipher. (Artists, back then, had to change with each new release or else be considered irrelevant. David Bowie entered the 1980s a smart yuppie, George Michael in the span of 7 years went from sparkling teen idol to sensitive, searching biker cowboy.)

Michael Jackson and Prince were regarded as rival gods, with the former more commercially successful but the latter preferred by most serious music critics (though in reality, fans, like me, liked both). Michael Jackson played games with tabloid journalists, who in turn responded with growing hostility; Prince played pranks on music critics, who wilfully allowed themselves to be deceived and wowed by this inscrutable prodigy.

Michael Jackson’s Avalon was Neverland, a fantasy dream that always invited ridicule (though not from me); Prince’s Mount Olympus was Paisley Park, a place deemed so mythical that fans constructed their own maps from the few photos and bits of footage that existed of it, and then endlessly speculated on what life was like inside of it: the parties, the concerts, sacred rituals, whisperings, the spontaneous nightly sessions. “Did you know,” they’d say, wide-eyed, “Prince has this huge vault of original masters and unreleased music right under Paisley Park? Only he knows the key code.” Whole albums (all masterpieces of course) had disappeared into that vault, never to be heard by ordinary mortals. And he never slept: nobody had ever caught him sleeping. He just went on and on, creating music. That was Prince, the enigmatic wonder, the living love symbol, and flamboyant question mark.

I still find it strange to realize so many of the artists I just mentioned, who so energetically populated my childhood and early teens, are dead. Michael Jackson, Prince, David Bowie, and George Michael all died within 7 years of each other; but there’s also Whitney Houston, Freddie Mercury, Kurt Cobain, and so many more. (Compare 1960s giants Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones and Bob Dylan, who are still touring and releasing records.)

When Prince died, a little more than three years ago today, I was on Texel, an island to the north of Holland, where I live. I checked my phone, checked the news, like you so stupidly do every now and then, and then saw the incredible headline. A sunny day, clouds seemed to appear that moment. Some people love celebrity deaths and follow juicy rumor sites about who punched who and who stepped out of the limo without their knickers on; me, I get depressed. It’s like having swallowed a stone. The sensationalist cries around every celeb death to me are like a beehive of bad vibes, a pest, and I have to stay away from it as far as possible if I want to protect my mental health, or what’s left of it. Prince’s death made me take things slow for a week or so. I have to mentally chew on such things, change my settings, ease into the new reality, let my heart adjust to its new weight. I’ve often had to deal with death in my life, sometimes it’s as if every high-profile death shocks me back into that familiar feeling of dread and despair.

Though Michael Jackson’s Neverland has turned into a derelict theme park that carries the curse of being unsellable, Prince’s Paisley Park has become a museum. Occasionally, browsing the internet, I see photos of it, and I’m always struck, kind of uneasily, about how soulless it seems. What does the lair of an extravagant hermit look like? What did I expect? Not something that looks like the atrium of a New Age company maybe. Looking at the interior, those sad police photos that were released last year, I can’t help but see the stupendous mundanity of it all. The building itself, somewhere in a suburb outside of Minneapolis, resembles a bunker, and though the pyramid skylights, that vaguely resemble guard towers, provide some natural light, the rest of the building is artificially lit, but dark. The recording studio is just that. Some of the walls have sayings like “Everything You Think Is True”. Stained glass with stars, clouds, and guitars. There’s a potted plant here, and an ugly tangle of phone cords in the corner there. Prince’s bedroom was sparse with empty green walls, and a plastic trash can you can buy at your local Walmart (but he never slept of course). The legendary vault reminds me of the storage room of my dad’s old electronics company, with its disorderly shelves and half-opened cardboard boxes. And everywhere, in every corridor and every space, there’s Prince iconography, but it’s rather bland, like the cover of a cheap unofficial biography.

For Prince, it must have been strange living in your own mausoleum.

The music that came from that place though. I believe PARADE (1986) was the first full album he recorded there, and then everything that came afterwards. My uncle was a real Prince fanatic, taking a slew of albums with him whenever he stayed with us, bootlegs too, so from an early age I became quite well-versed in all things Prince. Bits of his lyrics are as familiar to me as old family sayings. Personal favorites are the albums 1999 (1982), BATMAN (1989), and the LOVE SYMBOL ALBUM (1992). I like the street-smart humor of his early stuff, the raw passion, the in-your-face sex metaphors, with symbols as loud as cymbals, just the wild mercury sound of it; later on, his work became more spiritual, and harder for me to follow. His whole being though was music, every movement was a melody, every step a beat; he created music the way other people breathe. He had more songs in him than a duck has quacks. If you listen to the posthumous release, PIANO AND A MICROPHONE 1983, it’s as if the piano, microphone and artist aren’t three separate things, but one organism, bleeding and generating music; it features some wonderful, loose playing. It seems to me that towards the end of his life, in physical pain and unable to play a piano or guitar unless stuffed with elephant tranquilizers, he started to drift, and drift further, until he fell over the edge.

Like Bob Dylan, whose mystique and inaccessibility he shared, Prince had a habit of frustrating his fans, by deliberately excluding a great song from an otherwise so-so album and storing it in his vault, or by making his music hard to buy or even find (online, before he died, there was almost nothing). That’s one reason I kind of stopped following him; the other is the depressing decline of his songwriting since the 1990s. Looking at his later albums, which I first dutifully bought until I didn’t anymore, there’s hardly anything I really like. None of the best-of compilations collect anything from after the 90s. What happened? Age is part of it of course. A decline in quality is inevitable, most musical artists do their best work in their 20s and 30s. It’s also possible Prince’s brand of singing about his women like they are divine vaginas simply went out of style. Once cheeky and outrageous (his work was why Parental Advisory stickers were invented), his songs no longer shock us 21st centurians. We’ve seen so much already. Dirty sex wasn’t the only topic he sang about of course (far from it), but it’s the one he pushed forward the most as part of his image; his “royal badness” was part of his appeal. (The BATMAN soundtrack originally was going to feature Michael Jackson as Batman, the force of good, and Prince as the Joker, representing decadence, sin, evil.)

But his supposed “badness” was an act of course. The cocky poses, flashy gestures and mean diva looks were an obvious shield against the outside world, a theatrical defense mechanism. An attempt to dazzle people before they can get to you. When you’re shy—and he of course was the shyest—you feel like everyone is constantly watching you, and you become overly aware of how you look, how you walk, how you come across; you are constantly aware of your physical being taking up space. So what do you do when you’re an artist? You perform. Everything you do becomes a kind of performance, a conscious act. It gives you a feeling of control: you know why people are watching, because you’re making them watch you. But the essence of it is always shyness and nerves.

There’s something endearing about that 1983 footage of him being invited on stage for an impromptu jam by James Brown, who a few minutes earlier had invited Michael Jackson up. Ready to upstage his rival, who had just performed some killer moves, Prince takes the stage, struts, plays some random riffs, struts some more, suddenly takes off his jacket and does some tricks with the microphone stand, claps to whip up the audience—and then as he wants to make a fast and sudden exit, he clumsily goes down knocking over a prop, stage hands hastily arriving from all sides to help him up.

He died in an elevator near the lobby, but the spot itself has been covered up by a new wall (it’s near the watchful eyes in the third image). I keep wondering what happened. Was he making his way down to the ground floor from his production offices, or was he going up from the recording studio to his bedroom to maybe sleep? One associate, questioned by police, stated that Prince had told her he “was depressed, enjoyed sleeping more than usual and was incredibly bored”, and that at his last concert, he felt like he was going to fall asleep on stage. Those were rare remarks. An intensely private person, he mostly hid his problems, not just from others, but even from himself. The end, then, was inevitable. As with Michael Jackson six years before, the drugs relieved him of his pain, and then of his life.

He never slept, and when he did, it was 4ever.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Catching up with fond memories over fondue   

Our first ever fondue night was a success! Since most of us are beginners when it comes to fondue so we decided to keep it small and stuck to the basics. Overall it was a nice and low-key night well spent with good food and company.

Fondue night happened to be on the week Lessa and Sarah dropped by to visit. Lessa’s another old friend from Astra, one who I just missed when I visited the town and met up with Nathan. It’s been ages since Lessa and I last spoke so it was nice spending the past few days catching up with her and Sarah. 

Lessa Meisner is the kind of person who can find the silver lining in clouds no matter how stormy it gets. She’s not the fake cheery blindly optimistic type - more like a try to see beauty and magic and all kinds of good things even when life gets unfair. Lessa’s a couple years younger than me but she’s experienced more highs and lows than most people around my age or older. 

I don’t want to say that she has a lot of unlucky breaks because that would downplay her high spirit and resilience - two of her best qualities - but she shouldn’t have to go through a bunch of difficult stuff in order to prove herself worthy. Trauma and tragedy don’t make you compassionate and brave - no, it breaks you. Sure, it shaped you in some way, but it shouldn’t define you, nor should it justify why you deserved to go through something like that. 

I remember talking to Lessa about stuff like this and it’s still something that she often thinks about. If I recall correctly, Lessa actually wrote a thesis on how traumatic events in childhood can mess you up. No matter how well adjusted you are, that traumatic event still has an effect on you, often in ways you don’t really notice. 

Growing up, Lessa was often told that she’s brave. From carrying on after experiencing family tragedies to getting back up after having a seizure, the response was the same. “You’re so brave, Lessa.” quickly grew hollow in her ears. She gets what they mean but after hearing it over and over again, it loses meaning and sounds like a reflex. The way she describes it is like praising someone for getting back up on their feet after falling flat on their face. For someone who’s constantly falling, getting back up isn’t exactly bravery, it means carrying on as usual.

Bravery’s overrated, Lessa would say. Sometimes brave isn’t an option, sometimes you just need to move on with life. Too often people are focused on the big victories that it makes the small ones seem insignificant. But it’s the small victories that help you get through the day.

Lessa was the youngest of nine, not only she was the baby of the family, she was also the most frail. She’s had epilepsy for as long as she can remember so she grew up kind of sheltered. Her father died when she was six and then she lost her mother three years later. 

After her mother’s death, Lessa was sent to live with her oldest sister Margie, her brother-in-law John, and niece Sarah. Lessa didn’t want to be away from her other siblings but at the same time she was happy to be with Margie since they didn’t really see each other too often. Out of all her aunts and uncles, Sarah got along best with Lessa since they were close in age, so she was happy that her favorite aunt was moving in. John however was nothing like Margie - cold, distant, strict - but he was the one who saw potential in Lessa and pushed her when others tried to hold her back.

Living with Margie’s family had its ups and down for Lessa. The first year was significant for her as she began having seizures more frequently. Margie became overprotective of Lessa, which John didn’t approve of. Just when it seemed like things were going well for Lessa, her seizures ruined it for her. And she hated it.

But she got back up anyway. Because what else was she supposed to do? Lessa’s not one to wallow around in her misery. She gets mad and sad but sooner or later she’ll have to get up and smell the roses. So that’s what she did and John noticed. They don’t exactly have a warm relationship but at least he gets her, and for Lessa, that’s more than enough.

When Lessa was thirteen and Sarah eleven, Margie was diagnosed with late stage cancer. Despite aggressive treatment, the cancer spread and worsened, leaving Lessa and Sarah to watch Margie slowly die. Lessa described the whole ordeal as painful and if watching someone dying was bad, she’d hate to imagine what it was like for the one who is dying. Somehow, Lessa managed to get through the days, being a rock for Sarah and a source of comfort for Margie.

Out of all the losses she experienced so far, watching Margie die was the absolute worst moment in Lessa’s (and Sarah’s) life. It’s one of those things that really fucks you up and it’s sad. If memories can leave scars, I imagine that this one left a huge gash in Lessa’s heart. 

Lessa went into detail about what happened only once and that was enough. Christmas Eve, Margie, John, Lessa, and Sarah in the living room surrounded by presents that weren’t supposed to be opened until Christmas morning. Sarah upset, John stern, Margie quiet, and Lessa miles away. One minute Margie was there, then she was gone. She collapsed and that was it.

The months following Margie’s death were a blur for Lessa. Sarah began acting out, causing high tensions between her and John, and sometimes Lessa. To make matters worse, losing Margie exacerbated her epilepsy and at one point that she ended up in the emergency room. At her lowest, Lessa felt scared and helpless. She was tired of being brave.

Being told that she didn’t have to be brave was what pulled Lessa through. Wise words said by her brother-in-law, words that stuck with her and got her through tough times. As Lessa learned over the years, John has his own way of showing that he cares. She still finds him intimidating and cold but at least she can talk to him and he’ll listen. They don’t have a lot in common and yet he gets her while her siblings, while they mean well, often miss the point.

For the next several years, Lessa experienced more hardships such as the losses of five siblings as well as various health issues. When I met her at Astra, life has sort of settled down for Lessa a bit as for the first time in a few years her life wasn’t shaken up by something bad.

A surprisingly stable adulthood followed a turbulent adolescence. Out of the nine Meisner siblings, there’s only Lessa herself, her second oldest brother William and second oldest sister Faith. In terms of health, Lessa still takes anticonvulsants, which is likely something she’ll have to do for the rest of her life. After hitting twenty, the frequency of her seizures dropped significantly, allowing her to obtain a driver’s license last year.

Since we last hung out, Lessa’s been devoting her time to volunteering at various charity events and writing articles for My Mind is a Garden, a website she co-created that’s full of resources for mental health. She still lives with John and Sarah in Astra - John’s an English professor at the local college and Sarah’s studying at Ostermann Oaks College. William and Faith live nearby on opposite sides of town so the three of them visit each other a lot. 

My Mind is a Garden is one of those places I turn to when I feel down. Not only it’s full of interesting articles that are informative and super helpful, but they also have a team of online counselors who can help you out and I’ve heard good things about it. There’s also a podcast called Garden Chats that I listen to sometimes and it’s thought provoking. Lessa appears as a host in a handful of episodes, which is why I started listening to it.

Hanging out with Lessa these past few days brought back many fond memories. We reminisced a bit about our college days, reflecting on how much has changed since then. While prepping for the party, Sarah and KK Slider put on a mini concert at the marketplace, the four of us went for a hike around the beach, Daisy Jane and Lessa went firefly catching at Sunburst Island, and we picked a bunch of fruit for the party.

It’s almost dusk and we’ve just finished putting away the fondue equipment. Who knew chocolate covered fruit can be so good? So next time we throw another fondue party, it’ll be a chocolate themed one. Guess I’d better start learning how to cook with chocolate. Would I have to learn how to temper it? I don’t really understand how tempering works and apparently it can be a pain in the ass so I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to that. But it’ll be a fun challenge to take on.

[home-working]

The One Where I Become a Product Reviewer

Hey there, fellow kids! Jumping on the already-parked annual back-to-school bandwagon, I bring to you an AWESOME new blog post highlighting my FAVOURITE 15″ LAPTOP BACKPACK PICK! Get ready for at least 145 paragraphs of preamble before I reveal this NUMBER ONE TOP 100% BEST 15″ LAPTOP BACKPACK PICK and DIY BACKPACK HACK!!

I also realised I needed a post in my “lifestyle blog” repertoire that might convince people to send me free products? So this is that post. Search engine optimization.

Backstory

On February 19, 2019, esteemed letterer and all-around Creative Professional Jessica Hische tweeted out that she was looking for a new, fashionable laptop backpack and wanted suggestions. I happened to see this tweet that night and thought, “Maybe I, myself also a Creative Professional, need a new, fashionable laptop backpack as well?” I read through the mostly terrible (???) suggestions from her followers, saw one I liked, and then, with the quick late-night text approval of my probably-drunken sartorial consultant T, impulse-bought a $235 backpack.

The Arrival

A week later The Backpack arrives. It’s partially leather! It smells very new! It’s literally made by a Creative Professional for Creative Professionals! It’s so nice that I’m already worried about ruining it with thoughts of biking or commuting. But the straps are kind of stiff and uncomfortable on my delicate mammary glands. And did I say it’s pretty expensive?!

It’s the kind of backpack I’d be happy to keep if it were, say, $79. Maybe even $89. But $235?! For a backpack that’s not even some sexy upscale Creative Professional household brandname?? My lower middle-class upbringing prevents me from committing to such an expenditure on which I’m only lukewarm. What to do?

The Virgo/Libra Cusp Solution

Obviously I go out and buy two more backpacks.

All my children.

On Being a Virgo/Libra Cusp-er

I’m on the Virgo/Libra cusp which makes me the perfect person to review anything because I’m really picky and really indecisive. This means that if I’m forced to make a decision about anything, I generally change my mind multiple times and lose sleep in the process of over-thinking every minute detail, what fun! (For the record, I’m also strictly adhering to the deeply-scientific, back-of-your-local-free-weekly astrology column definitions of these signs. [Also, unnecessary childhood trauma story, I never really knew how to astrologically-identify growing up because as a cusper my sign categorization changed from paper to paper? The struggle was—and I cannot stress this enough—real.])

Laptop Backpacks: Necessary?

“Why does one need a special laptop backpack?” you might ask. Obviously, you don’t. No one needs anything. Why do we buy things, to feel a brief sense of happiness or accomplishment in our lives? Does it work for you the way it definitely and always 100% works for me? Leave your response in the comments!

But also I’ve never had a bag that was made for a laptop, so I figured I should probably get a backpack that's actually functional and isn’t painful to carry heavy shit around in all day?

Criteria

In order to be considered for this review, a potential backpack had to meet the following criteria:

Must hold a 15″ MacBook Pro

Enough padding to protect that laptop without a case

Must be comfortable to use while biking

Unisex design

Is black/screams “Creative Professional”

Bonus points: also screams “... who deserves a large salary”

In addition to my a laptop, I assembled a weight/capacity testing control group with the following everyday accessories:

Work essentials: mouse, laptop charger, Moleskine notebook, pencil

Life essentials: overnight kit, moisturizer, deodorant, underwear, sports bra, water bottle

Um, glasses and some other crap: eyeglasses & case, dirty socks, folded blanket, Le Creuset 18cm cast-iron pot

🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒 The Backpacks 🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒

Bag option #1: The ISM Backpack

The ISM retails for $235 USD; it’s only available online but comes with free shipping and returns in the USA. It ships in a pretty box with a pretty branded dust bag and a bunch of tissue that smells of “Instagram unboxing moment”.

I wore this bag out in public a few times: to the work lounge at the Public Hotel (a hotspot for “cool-looking people” working remotely), to pay a visit to my old MoMA office, and to a job interview. Did I feel like a Creative Professional? You bet I did! But then my former coworker commented that the bag made me look like a “techy person”, which ruined everything it had going for it. (There is a fine line between Creative Professional and Startup Chic that I refuse to cross. It involves hoodies.)

Left: fancy regal satin lining, to remind you that you’re the millennial queen you are. Right: full bag, with front pocket that is great for fitting flat stuff and maybe only flat stuff.

It fit everything in the “capacity” control group, albeit quite snugly, but its real downfall was the straps: although they were quite hearty, being both wide and well padded (which would be great for those with flat chests), their stiff sturdiness meant they were very inflexible, and basically cut into my breasts any time I raised my arms together, as one would if biking:

MEINE POOR BOOBS.

ISM owner/designer Justin emailed me after I returned the bag, and explained they were working on a smaller version for 13″ laptops. I explained this doesn’t help people with mammary glands who own 15″ laptops. Per Justin:

I feel what you mean Christy, a bag that fits a 15" laptop and is unisex has been a tough design challenge given the size difference between males and females. We have been able to shorten the straps to accommodate though.

I get it. Designing for the fact that 50% of the population has boobs is hard! Did you know that basically everything is designed around men and their stupid bodies?? It's also subsequently a prime example of how e-comm genders backpack sizing: you’ll find that 15″ laptop bags are generally only found in the “Men’s” section of websites. I need a drink.

Pros

Looks and feels fancy

Separate laptop pocket from main compartment

Water and weather resistant

Good amount of padding everywhere

Real leathurrrr bottom

Bitches be loving gold zippers

I am weirdly very into the simple strap adjustment design (not pictured but trust me that it’s nicely done)

Cons

High price point for my feeble income

Cut into my boobs

Front pocket is pretty difficult to put stuff in due to being so flat

Makes me look like a tech bro

Did not get the job I interviewed for while using it

Rating

Comfort: ★★☆☆☆ Creative professional-ness: ★★★★★ Female compatibility: ★☆☆☆☆ (one star for gold zipper) Value for monies: ★★★★☆ (if you don’t bike or have boobs) Overall: ★★★☆☆

🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒 Bag option #2: MUJI Water Repellent Backpack

I bought this bag at the MUJI store for a very reasonable $49 USD. Like everything MUJI, it’s pretty decent quality both in materials and design, and feels like it’ll last a while.

Unfortunately, I didn’t end up testing this “in the real world” because, whoops, it only comfortably fits a 13″ laptop. But I did uncomfortably fit my 15″ laptop inside, really stretching the limits of the side panels, and then managed to cram the test “capacity” content on top (with room to spare!). I then did a “hunch test”, folding myself over as one would on a road bike, and found that there was barely any padding on the back panel, and my spine was knocking against the hard surface of my computer. Not cool! Plus the back did not have a mesh surface, literally making it not cool on a sweaty back.

Yes I get it, I have a big stupid computer.

Pros

Nice quality

Large capacity

Water repellent

Has a secret little back pocket you’ll probably never use

Has those tacky side pockets for water bottles which are surprisingly handy for sunglasses or pocket chargers

Cons

Made for a 13″ laptop

Non-meshed back

Not enough back padding

Rating

Comfort: ★★★☆☆ Creative professional-ness: ★★★★☆ Female compatibility: ★★★★★ Value for monies: ★★★★★ Overall: ★★★★☆+

🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒 Bag option #3: UNIQLO Water Repellent Backpack

Right after purchasing the MUJI bag I walked across the street and picked this up for $29.90. YOLO!

Realising that is was yet another bag made for 13″ laptops, I could immediately tell that the quality was much lesser than MUJI’s: it was much lighter in weight, and the fabric thinner. Look at those ugly shoulder straps where the fabric is bunching. The front pocket’s structure is so weak that it sags. Sad!

But: pretty good akshully?!

I again force-fit my behemoth laptop and belongings into the small frame, yet, contrary to expectation, this thing was comfortable AF?! And even had room to spare. The straps were super soft and cushy and malleable around my boobs, and the “hunch test” revealed amazingly thick layers of padding on two sides of the back panel, with a thinner center panel that relieves any pressure on your spine. What kind of ugly genius is this?

Pros

Stupidly comfortable

Large capacity

Water repellent

Again, tacky side pockets, this time with an angled top hem

Cons

Made for a 13″ laptop

Pretty cheap and ugly looking

Pretty cheap and ugly feeling

Rating

Comfort: ★★★★★ Creative professional-ness: ★★☆☆☆ Female compatibility: ★★★★★ Value for monies: ★★★★☆ Overall: ★★★★☆

🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒🎒 Other opshuns, you ask?

There’s a few other mid-range “nice” bag brands I was looking into online, such as the one which esteemed Creative Professional Jessica Hische ended up going with, but let’s just assume I left them out because they lack the quality needed for this rigorous assessment and not because the bag designer whom I went on a date with decided to ghost me after I sprained my ankle while in Canada. Ahem.

Final Verdict... and a Backpack Hack (!!) (...Backhack™?!)

Although I was quite impressed with the comfort the UNIQLO model provided (both to my body and my wallet), I was actually going to declare this experiment a failure and return all the backpacks. Until, that is, I took a closer look at the interior construction of the UNIQLO and MUJI bags: they measured as though they should be tall enough for my latop, and yet the MacBook corners stubbornly stuck out. Time to play detective! 🔍

Turning the bags inside-out, I noticed they both included a superfluous, space-reducing seam at the bottom of the main pocket. WTF.

UNIQLO bag before & after: the difference a simple seam (and lack of colour temperature matching) makes!

By removing this seam on the UNIQLO model, I gained a full inch of vertical room, ALLOWING THE 15″ LAPTOP TO ACTUALLY FIT IN THE DAMN BAG. Yes, it fits snugly, and some may argue that the superfluous seam protects the edge of the computer from hitting the ground, but the very bottom edge seam is actually pretty bulky and does a decent job of protecting as is.

Verdict: With the inclusion of this super deviant hack (and ONLY with this inclusion), UNIQLO wins!!!!!!!!

Epilogue

I’ve been using this bag for 7 months now. It looks kinda cheap and it tends to collect lint, but my shoulders are miraculously like never sore. And, even on a grocery run after stuffing a myriad of pokey-shaped food items in the thing until I can barely close it, it’s always very comfortable on my tender back when biking home (I did this very thing 2 weeks ago at the Farmer’s Market after buying Celine Dion tickets, because I am a white woman in her late 30s). 

Oh, also: it’s black, so yes I am a Creative Professional, thank you for noticing! 

TL;DR: UNIQLO; cheap; comfortable. Send me your products to review! 🔚

Colophon backpacks: ISM, UNIQLO, MUJI; socks: UNIQLO; t-shirt: from a Women Who Code meetup hosted by One Month; sweatpants: Alternative Apparel; laptop: Shmapple; glasses: Steven Alan clearance; stool: Target; plants: IKEA & Home Depot; blankets: Hudson’s Bay, E. Stocking; mirror & couch: IKEA; drawing above mirror: K. Freeman & P. Lyle; posters: Bruce Nauman and a Finnish Design Annual fold-out; calendar: Massimo Vignelli; bike: Miele; weight/capacity control group: thrifting, Peru, Amazon, HAY, more places; suddenly questioning the consistency of whether I’m listing where objects were bought or the brand name of the object itself: something I am going to pretend to resolve at a later date in time; brevity rating for this blog post: ★☆☆☆☆; fan appreciation: I am so sorry if you read this far

[eldritchsurveys]

363.

Are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments? >> No. Are you one of those people who always tend to think critically in issues? >> I’d say so. Mainly because I don’t have any emotional attachments to any of them, so if I’m going to form any sort of opinion, it’d have to be based upon as many facts as I can collate. Do you know anyone who is overly flirty with people? Girl or a boy? >> I don’t know anyone who’s even regular-flirty with people. It seems like far too many people I meet are just... some level of self-deprecating and socially maladjusted and therefore disinclined to do anything like flirt. When was the last time you had any kind of pork? What kind was it? >> I don’t remember, maybe a steamed bun. Are you someone who normally eats a full breakfast every single morning? >> No, I eat when I’m hungry, and that means I don’t necessarily eat specific sized portions at specific times.

Do you believe vampires are real? Not the stereotypical Twilight kind. >> I don’t believe that, no. Also... 1) nothing about Twilight’s vampires is stereotypical, which was literally the crux of a lot of people’s long-winded diatribes against the series; and 2) what difference does it make whether I’m talking about Twilight vampires or not? Either way, I’d be believing in a mythological creature, so I feel like the end answer would be the same. All this self-conscious virtue-signalling about Twilight is annoying. Is there anyone out there who can give you butterflies in your stomach? >> No. Are you someone who has to hide the things you like around friends? >> I don’t hide the things I like around anyone unless it’s a strategic obfuscation. Have you ever been to a porn website? Were you addicted to it afterword? >> Yeah, I’ve been to porn websites. There’s nothing about porn that would get me addicted to it. What is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? >> --- Would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? Which one seems best? >> *shrug* Have you seen the movie Twister? Did the tornadoes look real to you? >> I’ve never seen it. Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? >> No. I mean, I was in NYC when Hurricane Sandy hit, but it didn’t affect where I was staying. Going downtown and seeing the crazy East River flooding and the massive power outages was fun as hell, though. Never seen anything darker than a subway tunnel during a blackout. Did your mom ever fix your eggs and bacon into a smiley face as a kid? >> --- What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? >> I think McDonald’s has a decent fry, they’re usually the right level of salty. But I appreciate that Wendy’s has skin-on fries, and as long as they put the right amount of salt on them, I’ll vote for those. Do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet Earth? >> I don’t see why they’d bother, but I’m sure several science fiction tropes present reasonable hypotheses. Are you someone who always looks for sales when you go shopping somewhere? >> Not really. Are you constantly re-arranging your bedroom? Or do you not like change? >> I am fine with change. I don’t rearrange my bedroom because there’s really only one logical configuration to use considering the size and shape of this room and its furniture. Who would you consider the best teen actor or actress out there now? >> *shrug* When did you last cuddle up next to someone and watch a movie? >> Inworlders aside, I don’t do that. Where would people most likely find you out on the weekends? >> Nowhere specific. Do you like the school you attend or is it just pretty bland to you? >> --- Do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? >> I’ve been to a couple of parades like that. Also, New Orleans parades always have throws of some sort, it’s part of the whole thing. What is your favorite childhood memory? Who did you share this with? >> I don’t have one. Are there any windows open in your house right now? Which ones, if so? >> Yeah, my bedroom window and probably Sparrow’s. Also, the balcony door. Is it currently your favorite season? If not what is your favorite? >> No, Spring is my favourite. Do you like soda pop? If so, which is your favorite and least favorite? >> No. Does it bother you when people burp around you or do you do it too? >> I burp quietly in public and I prefer it when other people do, too. Do you have any siblings you’re embarrassed about being related to? >> --- What is one thing you’ve never understood throughout your life? >> --- When you see an old person do you think ‘sweet’ or ‘creepy?’ >> I don’t have any opinion on an old person just because they’re old. What is it that makes old women want so many cats in their life? >> I don’t know, that’s never interested me enough to find out. What is one kind of music you’d do anything to not listen to in the car? >> Polka. When was the last time you babysat, if ever? Did anything bad happen? >> I’ve never babysat. How many times a day do you wash your face? Do you wash it really good? >> Once a day, provided I remember to do it. Would you consider yourself to have a boring life or a really exciting one? >> I consider myself to have a satisfying life. Do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? Or is that weird? >> No. It’s not weird, I’m just not interested in it. Who was the last person you kissed and why did you kiss this person? >> King Crimson, because I wanted to. How many fish have you owned in your lifetime, so far? Did they all die? >> Zero. When do you think it’s the right age to pass away? >> LOL what. If you were to get drunk right now, how would you most likely act? >> By the time I reach “drunk” status, I’m ready to take a nap. So I’d probably just lay down and watch Netflix. Are you going to post this on a social networking site after you take it? >> Nope. No one will ever see this. Is there something people in general do that bothers you a lot? >> Virtue-signal. Has anything supernatural ever happened to you? What were these events? >> Maybe. How many concerts have you seen so far in life? Were they good ones? >> At least a couple dozen, but that’s definitely a lowball guess. Most of them were quite satisfying. Do you like doing anything your friends wouldn’t expect you to do? >> *shrug* Can you sing very well or are you considerably tone deaf? >> I can sing reasonably well, but my skill level has dropped because of lack of practice (as it would). When did you last make a survey? How many people took it so far? >> --- Would you ever consider becoming a scientist? Why would you or why not? >> No. I have no interest in being a formal scientist. Where is your favorite place to go when you’re feeling sad and alone? >> I just prefer to be in my room where I can deal with my own shit and not have to deal with anyone else’s (or deal with their reaction to my shit). Have you ever had to call poison control while you were babysitting? >> --- Do you ever look back on the past years and wish you could go back? >> No fucking way. When is the next time you’ll talk to the cousin you’re closest to? >> --- Does it bother you when people constantly sign in on MSN? Or not so much? >> --- When was the last time you saw a bird? What kind of bird was this? >> I don’t remember. Have you ever seen someone getting beat up by lots of people at one time? >> No. Are you really into vintage things? Have you ever been into that stuff? >> No. When was the last time you bought new sheets for your bed? >> A few months ago.

[tumblunni]

What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

[chloemill]

On what I’ve been up to the last nine years

I have always been obsessed with food. It seems silly, honestly, to be obsessed with something that’s a basic human necessity. Food, water, shelter. Too bad there aren’t water disorders or I’d be all over that. Alcoholism, I guess, is a liquid-based disorder? This is getting dark quickly but I guess we should all know what we’re getting into with this one, shouldn’t we.

So, yeah, I’ve always been obsessed with food. I have alarmingly clear memories of food from childhood, and the sad(dest) part is most of it’s not even real fucking food, it’s like, cartoon food. I could probably describe every illustration from the Berenstain Bears installment where the dad bear and the kid bears randomly decide to go balls to the fucking wall and just mainline junk food until the mom bear is like “what the fuck is going on here” and gives them all apples or some shit and then everyone chills the fuck out. The pizza in A Goofy Movie when Goofy and Max randomly stop at a themed motel and the kids eat pizza while Goofy and Pete share what I remember to be a vaguely sexual moment in the hot tub? (There was definitely at LEAST a questionable power dynamic at play.) The kid at school whose weird helicopter mom came at lunch and hand-delivered her McDonald’s nuggets to the playground. Bake sales in the second grade - the cookies and brownies and “nachos” that were just round Tostitos with that terrifying and delicious fake cheese sauce that still honestly casts a spell twenty years later. It wasn’t quite normal, but as a kid, I didn’t think twice. When your parents are feeding you and your brain is the size of a baseball, you just kind of roll with the punches and settle for buying as much crap as possible at the bake sale with the two bucks your mom gave you. Shortly after I finished elementary school, actually, I think they stopped having bake sales as fundraisers because the school was trying to promote healthy eating. Go figure.

In high school we were allowed to go off campus for lunch and once or twice a week my sainted mother would give me money to buy lunch. It very rapidly became the bi-weekly Let’s See How Much Shit We Can Stuff In Our Body For Ten Dollars Challenge, but that’s not at all uncommon for high schoolers. At home we ate healthily, and I have a pretty fast metabolism thanks to my Slenderman of a father so I was more or less the size of a pencil for first few years of school. We’re talking, like, size double zero at Hollister. I actually used to peel the 00 size stickers off my low rise (!!!) jeans whenever I’d get a new pair and stick them on the side of my desk in my bedroom, which, as I became a normal-sized adult with not-normal-sized body image problems, morphed into a very creative form of self-inflicted psychological torment. I have some journal entries from the first few years of high school with “diet and workout plans”, but in teenage girl fashion, most of them were quickly forgotten about or amended with “forgot and ate mac and cheese today - whoops!” Stupid teenage shit. It’s actually kind of hilarious reading it back now until I remember how spectacularly fucked up everything got. ANYWAY!

My first real memory of hating my body was on a school trip to Scotland my junior year. I was fully indoctrinated into the cult of high school musical theatre and we were performing at the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, which was an incredibly cool experience that I absolutely did NOT take full advantage of and instead did shit like drink way too much rum (fucking RUM because apparently I was a character in Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean franchise), try to climb out the window of the dorms we were staying in to go see my boyfriend in his building, quickly remember I was on like the fucking fourth floor, throw up all over the carpet of my room and then pass out. My room smelled like puke the rest of the trip but that, though tragic in its own right, is not the point of this anecdote. Being both across the pond and left to my own devices, I was eating nothing but beige-colored fried food to the point that I’m certain ketchup and fruit juice used solely as a mixer for alcohol were the only things saving me from full-blown scurvy. My clothes felt tight, and not in the 2010s way that everything was tight, but bad tight. My stomach poked out of my jeans in a way that my stomach wasn’t supposed to poke out of my jeans. Keep in mind - I was probably a size 0 instead of 00 at this point, and most of this change was just a product of being sixteen instead of fourteen and growing, but to me it felt ominous in a way I didn’t know how to explain. During a group trip to some Scottish landmark or another (see how much attention I paid to this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity my parents spent their hard-earned money to give me?) I remember sitting next to my close friend on the bus as we pulled over to stop for food. I was having relationship trouble with the aforementioned boyfriend, one of the first of many Musical Theatre Straight Boys™ that I would lose my fucking mind over, and I was getting emotional - more emotional than I expected. I realized something else was bothering me, and I turned to her and said “On top of everything else, I just feel… fat. I know I’m not fat, but I’m fat, like, for me.”

Two things here: first and foremost, yes, for that I know I am now the recipient of the Most Annoying Sentence Ever Spoken Aloud award and will provide the mailing address for my trophy at a later date. Second, I said that over ten years ago, and I remember it so clearly that I’m entirely sure that’s exactly what I said, verbatim. We got off the bus, and I walked into the restaurant and, after scanning the menu desperately trying to convince myself I should order something “healthy”, I ordered large steak fries and got back on the bus. I think this was the first time I ever really, consciously used food as a coping mechanism - the first time something small but powerful snapped in my head that told me fuck it - who the fuck cares? You’ve done enough damage already, what’s the point of stopping now?

High school ended, I graduated and we sang “Journey On” from Ragtime at the ceremony (baffling choice but the school was doing Ragtime next year and wanted to squeeze a promo out), I got into several of my top-choice musical theatre colleges and was so excited to go to the one I picked, which, you’ll be charmed to hear, was the absolute worst choice I could’ve made. I was 18 and a little bigger now, firmly in size 0/2 instead of 00 territory, had maybe graduated to a 32B bra instead of A, but still very thin by most standards. This was my first summer as a Very Online Person - I would stay up tlil probably 3 or 4 AM most nights blogging and watching Harry Potter movies for the umpteenth time. Because the rest of my family was, how do I put it, fucking normal, they’d go to bed at 11 or whenever and I’d be up alone for hours on the  computer. This is when I started bingeing. We didn’t really keep junk food in my house, nothing legit like Cheetos or Ben and Jerry’s or whatever, but we did have sugar cereal and reduced-fat Oreos and cheese and the occasional box of Triscuts. It became a nightly ritual for me - I’d wait for everyone to go to bed, then tiptoe in to the kitchen and, though I’d eaten dinner hours earlier, start eating again. Stacks of Oreos, multiple bowls of cereal, shredded cheese out of the bag. After a while my mom heard me banging around in the kitchen and told me (in so many words) to shut the fuck up, so my methods changed. I’d bring the box of cereal - Rice Krispies or Cocoa Puffs or whatever - a bowl, and a carton of milk into the bathroom with me. I’d run the sink and open the box and pour the cereal with the water running so no one would hear, and then I’d creep back out to the couch and eat it. Box of Oreos into the bathroom, water on, peel open the plastic, take out the biggest stack I thought I could with no one noticing, eat. Three or four granola bars into the bathroom, water on, wrappers off and hidden behind my bed or the couch or wherever, eat. Rinse and repeat.

I didn’t really know what binge eating was at this point, and some tiny, dark part of my brain buried way in the back told me that this wasn’t normal and it wasn’t good, but I pushed it away because of course I did. I did a few Google searches about it and came across the term “binge eating disorder” but was convinced that could never be me. This was just a thing, just a thing I was doing, and it would go away at the end of the summer when I went away to college because that’s when life was actually starting and it was going to be awesome and I wasn’t going to let this - whatever this was - fuck that up.

But I did, in fact, fuck it up. I fucked it up fast and hard (that’s what she said, ok back to being depressing) and college was not awesome, it was difficult and painful and I was drowning in something I had absolutely no chance of controlling on my own. I accepted very quickly that this thing I was doing had a name, and it was binge eating disorder, and I was all in. I gained weight - not a ton, maybe twenty pounds, and I was never actually overweight, but to me that didn’t matter. I hated how I looked. I overdrew my bank account spending money my mom gave me for groceries on binge food. I spent hours alone in the dining hall eating till I felt physically ill and sometimes threw up involuntarily because my body couldn’t handle what I was doing. One time I stood in the bathroom of my dorm and drank mustard mixed with warm water because I read online that makes you puke and I was so full I wanted to die (it didn’t work, please for the love of GOD don’t drink mustard water or, for that matter, anything else for the express purpose of making yourself vomit). I cancelled plans with friends and skipped classes to stay in and binge, or because I’d binged already that day and could barely move. I stole food from roommates, convincing myself no one would notice, even though of course they fucking noticed. I hid food and packaging and wrappers under my bed, in my closet, in my backpack, wherever I could because I didn’t want anyone to catch on. Lied about why I needed money so my parents would send me some and I could buy more shit. I ate stale food, food from the trash, once I literally ate straight up chocolate sauce (mustard water and chocolate sauce: 10 out of 10 doctors recommend!) because I had nothing else. Waking up for 8 AM ballet classes and seeing my body in a leotard under fluorescent lighting felt like a form of torture Dick Cheney might think was a little too harsh. I saw a therapist over the summers and ate with my parents at home, and things got better, and then I’d go back to school and everything would unravel again. I’m still kind of shocked I made it through.

I’ve been done with school and living in the city for five years now, and I can honestly say that things are better. I mean, not “better”, in the sense that this chapter of the book is still pretty fucking open. But I’m better at dealing with it. The majority of the time now, I eat normally. I still binge, sometimes a lot and sometimes a little, but I carry on and try again the next day. I don’t really restrict to make up for binges anymore. I can eat some foods now that used to send me straight into Eatin’ Town USA, like cheese and bread and maybe even Oreos sometimes. I started enjoying working out, not just logging time on the treadmill as a punishment and feeling like Jean Valjean in the opening number of Les Mis (look down look down you’RE HERE UNTIL YOU DI-IE). 

To be honest, I think I’m writing this mostly because the last couple months have been hard. I’ve fallen into some old stupid shitty habits, and I’ve been plugging along like normal and trying to claw myself out. But it’s not quite working like it normally does, and I don’t know why. I know I’ll make it through, because I always have, and what other option is there? But some days lately, I feel like twenty-year-old me, sobbing (very theatrically, natch) on the floor of my apartment because I should be over this by now - how am I not over this by now? This is my ninth year as a binge eater. Almost a decade! Far and away my longest and most committed relationship. When I hit 10 years strong, I should take myself out to a fancy restaurant or something but I don’t know what I’d order.

When I tell people this, I usually get some kind of “I had no idea”/“I’m sorry I didn’t notice”/“I would’ve never guessed” and the truth is that I didn’t, and still don’t, want anyone to notice. Of course I don’t. You don’t hide candy wrappers and empty pizza boxes in your closet with your winter boots because you want people to notice. It’s a very strange and secretive brand of shame that binge eating disorder brings and no one really get it unless they get it, and that’s not something I’d wish on anyone. (Okay, honestly, I’d wish it on some people, like it’s hard as hell but some people suck ass and probably deserve it? Anyway.) As I’ve grown up, I’ve started talking about this more and more. The first time I went public with all of this shit - I think I made a dramatic Instagram post a few years ago whilst day drunk during National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (absolutely incredible and Very Me start to a sentence) - I was shocked at how many people reached out to me privately and were like, hey, me too, and thank you for saying something. I’m still ashamed, but I’m trying not to be, and the more I talk about it the less alone I feel. “There are dozens of us! DOZENS!”

I guess one nice thing about this whole stupid nightmare is it’s kind of a reason why I am who I am. Not the only reason, but still. I started using jokes to cope with this while I was in school, and my sense of humor, whatever the fuck it is today, grew out of that. Except now I don’t joke about this stupid shit because I’m in denial, I do it because it’s real and I’m staring it in the face and it’s not going away, and the absurdity of something so excruciatingly difficult yet so entirely in my control gets fucking terrifying. I guess laughing at it makes it seem small.

[shanisdunn]

(Shannon: In 2015, the New York Times featured Mandy Len Catron’s essay, “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This.”  The essay was based on a study by a psychologist, where he explored whether or not asking personal and intimate questions to strangers can accelerate the intimacy between them. The 36 questions were broken into three sets, with each set becoming more personal than the last. Because of the times we are in, I was not able to ask a stranger, but a friend whom I’ve known since my early high school days. While I did ask all 36 questions to her, this is just a selection of them. We found ourselves talking about childhood, living, dying, and her extensive collection of K-Pop photo cards. There was laughter, there was tension, but above all, there was love.)

Shannon: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Merritt: Hmm.. Harry Styles.

Shannon: (laughs) Yeah?

Merritt: (laughs) Yes.

Shannon: That’s a good choice.

(Shannon: While questions started off innocently, others of them took a more dramatic turn.)

Shannon: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Merritt: No, but... I don’t know. I feel like I’ll be alone. Like I think about being alone.

Shannon: That’s so sad!

Merritt: (laughs) I know! I know.  I don’t know.

Shannon: Let me know if you ever feel like you’re dying. I’ll come hang out with you.

Merritt: Alright, perfect.

Shannon: I don’t want you to die alone. 

Merritt: (laughs) I’ll invite you over. Hopefully it won’t be too traumatic.

(Shannon: These questions bounce around a bit and we come back to the topic of death on further questions, but others deal with the future and what we’d want for ourselves. Whether or not those hopes are achievable, I don’t know. But I’d like to think so.)

Shannon: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Merritt: Umm, probably the ability to like set my mind to a goal and just like get it done. Like if I wanted to do something, I could just do it and work for it without giving up easily or like–

Shannon: Oh, the dream.

Merritt: I don’t know like if i woke up and said “I’m gonna finish this,” I could wake up and finish that. My sister and I were just talking about my aunt um and she’s just like the coolest person ever. But she just wakes up every morning– she’s the one we visited in Sweden– she just wakes up every day with something she wants to do and she does it! It’s just amazing. So that’s definitely what I would want to be like.

Shannon: If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

Merritt: Um, I mean it would– I don’t know. Like, I’d ask if I’m wasting my time right now. I feel like a lot of the time I worry that I’m just like doing nothing and like everything I’m doing is like not going to lead to something better. So I’d wonder if like– if everything I’m doing now would like be worth it.

Shannon: Well I’m not a crystal ball, but I feel like if you’re happy right now then it is worth it.

Shannon: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living now and why?

Merritt: If I knew that I was gonna die in one year... I would stop working as much as I do, but not completely cause i love my coworkers, and I’d wanna spend time with them. But I would, you know, stop focusing so much of my life on work because I think I waste– not waste, but like I spend too much time working. Um I’d be more intentional with the things I do. Like I said, I’d set a goal and do it as to not waste time. I’d try not to waste time, cause I do that a lot. I wouldn’t wanna like not do anything.

Shannon: Yeah. Well it’s especially hard now, because who knows in a year from today if well still be, you knowl in a pandemic. So that makes this question like double challenging.

Merritt: Yeah. I say if we weren’t like in a pandemic, I’d use all the savings that I have right now, that I’m saving for school, and I’d use that to do my traveling and do the things I want. And that’s such like a cliche, like “oh you’re gonna die and you go travel,” but I think that’s where my whole future is.

Shannon: Yeah.

Merritt: So I’d wanna get as much of that in as I can.

(Shannon: After talking about hopes and dreams, we get onto the topic of family.)

Shannon: How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? (laughs)

(Shannon: I find myself chuckling here because we’d already talked about the traumas of childhood including her worst memories, which I chose to leave out because of how painful they are.)

Merritt: Um so I’d say my like childhood childhood was really good. Like I grew up with a lot of siblings, who were like not super close in age with me. I was the oldest, but there was always a baby around and I could always play with Tali and I’d play outside with the boys. My grandma lived super close to me and she still does so that’s a huge factor, being able to be so close to her and have her presence in my life cause that’s huge.

Merritt: Um my middle childhood I mean like early teen years, so I’d say from like 6th grade to 9th grade, or like beginning of 9th grade wasn’t the best. I feel like during that time I really got disconnected from my family and sometimes I don’t know if they pushed hard enough to get me back, or if i just didn’t– or they did and I didn’t recognize that they were trying, cause I was pushing them away so much. By like that time, I was online a lot and I’d met my online friends and that’s when I started falling into like my fandoms. And I was just doing other stuff. I just didn’t wanna be around my family. And then obviously I had a really bad relationship with my mom for a few years.

Merritt: But now, I’d say from like junior year to now has just been super good– mainly senior year, like senior year to now um just really good. I mean I don’t know what shifted; I think I started just becoming more independent, but not in a bad way, like not independent whereas before I’d like hole myself up in my room, but now I’m independent where I’m, you know, going to school and I’m working. I’m just more mature and grown up now. And now that I’m more grown up and mature, I definitely take on more of like a motherly role with my younger siblings, but like I do care about them a lot and I like kind of take care of them in the older sister way. But I’d say now its really good. It’s come full circle, we’re back to when i was a little kid. Just had a little bump along the way in middle school.

(Shannon: The topic of family can always be tricky, but soon we find ourselves away from that, instead talking about love and affection.)

Shannon: Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share...”

Merritt: I wish I had someone to share my affection with. Cause I feel like sometimes my need for affection goes beyond like hugging my sister, or like, you know, just like cuddling with my cat. I feel like it goes beyond that sometimes

Shannon: Yeah. Like, every day I wake up and I’m not dating an anime boy. (laughs)

Merritt: Mhmm! Every day I wake up and I’m not dating a k-pop boy.

Shannon: (laughs)

Merritt: it’s painful (laughs)

(Shannon: The thought of k-pop boys continues to dawdle in our minds, and is brought back up in a later answer, for which I asked what one thing she’d save from her home if she had time to go back after all of her family was out.)

Merritt: This is so dumb, but I’d go get my binder of photo cards. (laughs) So embarrassing. Um, but they’re like thousands of dollars worth so... (laughs) I’d take those.

(Shannon: She continues on explaining the significance behind them.)

Merritt: It’s dumb, but like before when I was first getting into k-pop, Tali was like “oh yeah there– people will collect photo cards” and like– “They collect photo cards and they spend so much money” [At this point, she got up to go bring over her box of photo cards to show me] And I’m like– “I would never ever collect photo cards! Like who does that? (laughs) Like who has this desire to own pictures of all these men? Men!” And now I– (laughs) Pages worth! Of just. These are like the– oh no I just dumped them everywhere. Just the loose ones that are just out. I just have pages. Of men.

Shannon: Pages of men.

Merritt: Pages. Of– of men. It’s literally a piece of paper. I have one on my computer. They bring me so much joy. I’m telling you. It can’t be compare– you can’t compare it to anything.

(Shannon: The rest of our time is spent talking about problems she’s faced and how we’d fix them, and other general catching up. Eventually, all that’s left is the goodbye.)

Shannon: Okay.

Merritt: Alright.

Shannon: Thank you so much–

Merritt: You’re welcome!

Shannon: For sitting down with me and answering–

Merritt: You’re welcome, I missed you! I miss you.

Shannon: These intimate questions. I miss you too!

Merritt: When are you coming home?

(Shannon: I tell her late November, and we start conversing again about potential plans before the final goodbye.)

Shannon: Mkay.

Merritt: Alright.

Shannon: I’m gonna let you go.

Merritt: Bye love you!

Shannon: Bye! Love you the most.

Merritt: Love you so much. Have a good day.

Shannon: You too!

(Shannon: I know Merritt and I aren’t strangers, but I’m left with newfound love in my heart which I’m not sure was there before. If this conversation was between a stranger and me, I definitely think that depending on their answers, we, too, would become friends.)

[one-deranged-son]

Colossal Vanity

Todd Russel had read it before somewhere online.

Becoming an FBI Agent is a tremendously difficult and competitive process. It takes years of time, planning, and hard work to mold yourself into the kind of candidate the FBI is looking to hire. It’s not going to happen overnight, and the hiring process itself can take a year or longer.

Right. It was extremely hard, indeed, but Todd can finally reap his hard years of training. He remembers how happy his mother and girlfriend is when he told them he was finally accepted. After all, Todd had always dreamed of becoming one since he wanted to protect his country and everyone he loves in some other way which doesn’t require him on fighting another super country who will most likely send missiles to their homes.

Right, right. It was extremely hard, indeed! And Todd thinks everything will get easier from that point. He knows how risky the job is and how physically plus mentally draining it would be, but Todd knows that it would be all worth it. It’s his all-time childhood dream after all, what could go wrong?

Right, right.

He’s wrong.

Nothing, not even twelve calls from mom, could beat the immense fear building up in the pit of his stomach as he gets into the van. Todd was in his tac gears now, Custom AR-15 heavy on his grip and now his heartbeat is spiking up because this is the first time Todd is going on some huge-ass operation like this. He knows that one day he will eventually go on some crazy boss fight, but he wasn’t expecting… this.

“Easy Russel, we can still see another day to found out what will happen to Ross and Emily.” Said a voice coming from beside him, its hand comes to tap his back.

Todd lets out a dry laugh at that. “You know what Bob? I think it’s funny. I was worried about that episode two days ago,” he said. Glancing towards the man wearing similar clothes with him.

“Eh, my daughter went mad when I told her I was going for this mission. My wife was trying to calm her down the whole night but I know she was crying when she thought I was asleep.”

Todd was quiet for a moment there. Surely he’s worried that he won’t ever get a chance to propose his girlfriend because of this mission, but now he’s also sad after hearing what his friend just said. Bob was older by six years and is his senior, but they were close like father and son. Todd knows his daughter, May, and he knows how close they are with each other.

“I’m worried about Ma and Marie,” Todd sighed, his hand finding its way into the strands of his hair. The names felt heavy in his tongue and at that, Bob just smiled, that kind of smile that’s sad and isn’t supposed to be called a smile in the first place.

“It’s fine kid, you got the best sniper guarding your back,” the older man said, wiggling his rifle as if it was a Super Soaker and not an Armalite AR-10SB.

This time, Todd’s laugh isn’t forced. Then they smiled at each other.

“Please do, I want to know what will happen to Ross.”

“JESUS CHRIST—”

Todd remembers this dude, he’s Agent Moore from the CIA. He emits the jock kind of aura but it turns out he’s a pretty good friend for a situation like this.

A situation when they’re cornered and there’s a psychopath that keeps throwing grenades at them.

“Did I just saw Jesus?” Todd asked, more like shouting because at this point he feels his eardrums are ready to pack his stuff and move somewhere else. There was a bitter wind that swept through their aching bodies, pillars of smoke and dust still boiling up from where the bombs were thrown. It feels like the grounds are shaking beneath their feet, and now his eyes are blurry and his legs feel like jelly.

They have been doing this for the fucking longest time, alright? Dozens of heavily armed men against what it seems to be no more than four people, but it has been an HOUR and the explosion didn’t stop at all. Even when they come at them with the full front; CIA, FBI, and the local cops joining forces, each hand armed with AK-47s and some other machine guns, they never hesitate to fall fire at them. Todd was stunned for the slightest moment right then, right there. Because nobody dares to take a step forward towards the unsteady building due to the explosives blowing up here and there like it was the goddamn warzone and bullets piercing through some unlucky comrades straight in their forehead.

They’re mad.

“That was the goddamn Revelator!” Agent Moore answered, yet again, they’re practically shouting at each other because everything is a whole chaotic ordeal with guns shooting from all directions, bombs getting thrown away so easily as if it was the fireworks from fourth of July, muffled voice from outside the perimeters who were still stark clear in his ears because, holy fucking shit, they sure did create a whole mess in the middle of a harmless suburban.

“Where do these guys get all their guns anyway? They’re a bunch of scrubs!” Todd tried to shoot again, but with the whole fire blocking his vision and another rain of bullets aiming at his head, he decided to take another cover. God knows how many belts they had run, but when Todd expected their heavy guns to sound off, for some reason, it didn’t. They had ammunition like a whole fucking country.

“I won’t say that if I were you. Those scrubs are way ahead of us when it comes to hot tips. And if you say something wrong about them, they are going to open up a can for—shit, WATCH OUT!”

Out on his sight, a piece of hand grenade had made its way just right there in front of his leg. Agent Moore was quick enough to notice it when Todd was busy trying to get a firm grip on his gun. There was a blinding flash and a huge ball of fire belched all around them, but Agent Moore’s push was strong enough to send them tumbling down a convenient slope. Both of them are still pretty much alive, thanks for that, but now their ears are filled with nothing but static and ringing sounds.

Todd scrambled away. He could feel the glasses cutting through his skin but now all he thinks about is to reach for his gun. He helps Agent Moore stands up and they run towards a safer place, a better place for a cover, and that’s when he saw it.

“Is that a child?”

Agent Moore squinted his eyes so hard in that judging manner. “You’re high,” he said, then he runs to another place and begins to shoot at the visible target who moves like Usain Bolt. And Todd should probably do the same but he just froze over there because he couldn’t believe his eyes.

It was a child probably not older than 15 and he’s shooting with a Colt Sporter I like it was a toy gun in an arcade. He doesn’t believe his eyes.

“RUSSEL TAKE COVER!”

Todd stumbled, fortunately, he was quick enough not to fell face first. Another blast of flame rolled up just near him, windows shattered. Smoke and fire rushed out. Some officers struggled to cover their ears and organs, but others are just sprawled there like a lifeless doll.

Todd tried to pry his eyes over when a heavy mass that had pushed him away finally lifted its weight away from his body. It was from Bob.

“What the FUCK are you doing? You wanna get yourself killed, boy? You don’t wanna marry your girlfriend? You don’t wanna get back to your Ma, eh?!” Bob's voice was stern and furious. Todd could see the anger flashing through his brown eyes, but there’s also sadness and worry dripping from his words.

“Bob?! Why are you—shit, I—I’m sorry, but there was a kid over there—”

“I don’t care! They’re trying to kill us and they’re going to kill more of innocent lives if you don’t snap out of it! So SNAP OUT!”

Todd was slightly taken aback, so he just nodded. He nodded and begins to shoot at whomever he could get his bullets too. To the Revelator, to the tall guy who keeps throwing grenade — and to the kid who should not be there in the first place.

“So how does it feel to be a hero, kid?” Bob’s voice was calming. He was still high because of the sedative but it seems like he’s doing good.

“I’m not a hero, dammit,” Todd answered. He was too, probably high on sedatives Because now he thinks of what it feels to be on the private wards instead where the atmosphere is most likely to be different. Marie and his mom just visited him an hour ago when he’s still dazed, looking extremely worried but still glad—mostly—amazed.

“You’re the one who shot the Revelator, you should be damn happy about it.”

Todd laughed. For a moment he’s glad that the sedatives are working and masking the slight guilt and complete confusion, because, sure, he had just killed one of the most wanted men across the United State but then again, he just killed a man.

Probably a father, too. He doesn’t know.

“Yeah, I am the hero,” he said, while it seemed unfair, he still did.

“You rock Todd,” said another man from across his bed.

Todd just laughed.

Todd had finished washing the dishes at that time. His wife is pregnant with their second child when a call came to his phone. Marie’s face was confused and as shocked as he was, and his four-year-old son keeps on tugging his pants.

“Daddy, daddy, mommy is making funny face!” he giggled, but no one laughs along with them.

“Russel here,” Todd answered, his palms are sweaty and trembling out of dread.

“You’ve watched the news?” the voice asked, and Todd could sense the hint tremor in it.

“I have.”

“Right, come over tomorrow. We need the details of the imaginary kid you talk about in 1998.”

The voice hung up as soon as that. Todd watched his kids run to his mom with jumpy steps and sit right on the couch.

He saw his son points out to the TV.

He heard his son ask about it.

“Mommy, who is the Revelator?”

[gethealthy18-blog]

340: My Son Talks Entrepreneurship, Homeschooling, Sustainability, and His Cookbook Chef Junior

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/340-my-son-talks-entrepreneurship-homeschooling-sustainability-and-his-cookbook-chef-junior/

340: My Son Talks Entrepreneurship, Homeschooling, Sustainability, and His Cookbook Chef Junior

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

This podcast episode is brought to you by Beekeeper’s Naturals, a company dedicated to protecting the bees while creating sustainably sourced bee products for our whole families. Without bees, our global food supply would collapse, so protecting the bees protects all of us. As a certified B Corp, Beekeeper’s Naturals cares deeply about the environment, about the bees, and about their employees, and their customers and consumers, which is us. If you’re new to using bee products, I personally, recommend starting with the propolis spray. And this is a delicious way to support the immune system. And if you aren’t familiar with propolis, it’s really incredible. Propolis is the substance that bees use inside the hive to fight bacteria and any other pathogen or invaders that enter the hive. In fact, even if something as large as, like, a mouse should enter the hive, and the bees can’t get it out, they can encapsulate it in propolis to keep that from infecting the hive and creating all kinds of bacterial problems. Propolis is naturally antibacterial. It has a compound called pinocembrin that works as an antifungal, and it’s also an antioxidant, and anti-inflammatory. I personally spray it in my throat at the first sign of a tickle in my throat, or the sniffles, and I spray it on wounds and burns for faster healing. You can save 15% on propolis and all Beekeeper’s Naturals products as a listener of this podcast. To get the deal, go to beekeepersnaturals.com/wellnessmama, and use the code “wellnessmama” to save 15%.

This episode is brought to you by Wellnesse. That’s Wellnesse with an E on the end, which is my new personal care company that is dedicated to making safe and effective products from my family to your family. We started with toothpaste and hair care because these are the biggest offenders in most bathrooms, and we’re coming after the other personal care products as well. Did you know for instance that most shampoo contains harsh detergents that strip out the natural oils from the hair and leave it harder to manage over time and more dependent on extra products? We took a different approach, creating a nourishing hair food that gives your hair what it actually needs and doesn’t take away from its natural strength and beauty. In fact, it’s specifically designed to support your hair’s natural texture, natural color, and is safe for color-treated hair as well. Our shampoos contain herbs like nettle, which helps strengthen hair and reduce hair fall, leaving your hair and scalp healthier over time, and scented only with natural essential oils in a very delicate scent so that you don’t have to worry about the fragrance as well. Over time, your hair gets back to its stronger, healthier, shinier state without the need for parabens or silicone or SLS. You can check it out along with our whitening toothpaste and our full hair care bundles at wellnesse.com, that’s wellnesse.com. An insider tip, grab an essentials bundle or try auto-ship and you will lock in a discount.

Katie: Hello and welcome to the “Wellness Mama Podcast.” I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com and wellnesse.com, which is our new line of completely natural and highly effective personal care product like shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste and now hand sanitizer. Today’s episode of the podcast is a really special one for me because I’m here with a new guest, my oldest son, Anthony, to talk about a project he has been working really hard on the last couple of years, which is a cookbook by kids and for kids. And it’s called “Chef Junior” and it is available anywhere books are sold and it’s scheduled to release on May 19th. In this episode, we talk about his cookbook and answer many of the questions that you guys submitted about what life is like at our house, what I’m actually like as a mom, and our family culture and much more. Anthony did not know the questions ahead of time – he just wanted to get the questions as we went. So these answers are completely unscripted and truthful, and a few of them even surprised me.

Also, before we jump in, I feel it’s important to mention that this is the first time that one of my kids has been public facing on Wellness Mama or visible on the platform. I’ve written before about how I don’t post pictures of my kids on social media, even on my personal accounts. Because I don’t feel it’s my right to do that and I want to respect their privacy and let any online interaction be their decision. Because I got to have a childhood without social media and without being visible online and I wanted to give them the same respected if they wanted. And I don’t say this to judge anyone else who has made a different decision on the matter, it’s just what we’ve chosen for our family and I’ve written about this in the past. So I feel it is important to talk about.

But as my kids get older, I did want it to be their decision of when, how, or if they would engage with the online world and social media. And so now he is a teenager and we feel Anthony should get to make this decision on his own and he’s seen first hand from me being online in this setting the good and the bad parts of social media and the internet. And we talk to him about the risks and the pros and cons and so now my husband and I are supporting him now and having a more public facing presence through his cookbook and his own upcoming podcast. And I just wanted to explain that because I have been very private about my children in the past – you’ve never seen their faces before until now with Anthony. Again, not saying that our decisions is the right one for any other family, but I felt the need to clarify this since I’ve never really shared my kids in a personal way before on the platform and this is the first time and explain why I am comfortable with it now. So, without further ado, I can’t wait to introduce you to and have you enjoy the interview with my son, Anthony.

Anthony, welcome. Thanks for coming on the podcast.

Anthony: Hi.

Katie: This is kind of fun. We haven’t gotten to record a podcast together yet and I know people have a lot of questions about what life is like at our house, and I know that you’ll give probably very brutally truthful answers to that, so it’s gonna be fun for me to hear, too.

Anthony: Yeah, definitely.

Katie: First, let’s talk about “Chef Junior,” which is your cookbook. Tell us the story about the reason that you guys decided to write this book.

Anthony: Well, we do a mastermind, over the years we’ve done a couple in different places. And I remember a few years back, probably four years ago, we were making a bunch of recipes for kids, like chocolate pancakes or coffee pancakes, I don’t remember. It was really crazy but yeah, that really inspired us that it would be really cool to make our own recipes and stuff.

Katie: Yeah. And for people who aren’t familiar, we can explain. So, a mastermind is kind of a thing where you got a group of people together to talk about similar ideas. And this particular one was a family mastermind because your dad and I had been to a mastermind before that that was adults only and I had…I think it was Gigi as a baby or other one of our daughters. And she was teeny tiny and I had her just nursing the whole time. And they told me at the mastermind that she was a distraction even though she wasn’t making any noise. And they told me I couldn’t be in there with her. And it just made me sad that like I had to basically obviously choose to take care of my baby and couldn’t go to mastermind. So, dad and I thought, “What if we could do this but instead of having to go away from our families, what if we could bring the families with us,” because we really think it’s important with business that kids are involved and that you guys learn that and understand that early. So, when you say like we’ve traveled a lot and it was fun, we had this group of, what was it, five families I think?

Anthony: I think it was seven.

Katie: Seven in the beginning, yeah, and five by the end that travel together to multiple countries. We went to Costa Rica and Canada with them, and several places all over the U.S. And while the adults got together and worked on business stuff, you guys kind of created your own sort of mastermind of sorts as well, didn’t you?

Anthony: Yeah. It’s really fun to get to talk to kids with a lot of the same lifestyle and stuff as me.

Katie: Yeah. I feel like probably a lot of things that we do are a little bit weird by normal standards but in the mastermind, we were all kind of on the same page on a lot of that stuff. On the very first one, you guys did something also really cool which is you kinda built your own civilization in the woods. Talk about that.

Anthony: Yeah. So, we called it Terabithia which, at the time, I know there’s a book called “Bridge to Terabithia,” but we didn’t actually name it after that. We just came up with it so that was kind of cool. And, yeah, we would build forts and stuff all day and we had like our currency and stuff. It was a lot of fun.

Katie: Yeah. We didn’t even see you guys because you were playing outside all day. And when we walked outside I think after the first couple of days, we found you guys literally carried tree trunks and built huge teepees, and you each had your own house, and you had elected officers, and you have a whole governing system, and like everybody was working together. You had made, I think, bricks out of mud. It was really impressive, all the things. What inspired that? You guys just thought about it on your own?

Anthony: Yeah. I mean we didn’t have much other to do, like I don’t think there were TV or any of that so we thought it would just be really fun to do something outside.

Katie: It was fun. There were probably, what, 16 of you kids?

Anthony: Twenty-four, I think.

Katie: Twenty-four, yeah. All the way ages from like our youngest being a baby at that one up to you and that are authors of the cookbook that are kind of on the older end, right?

Anthony: Yeah. I think 12 or 13 at that point.

Katie: That’s right. So, I think if I’m remembering right, the idea for the cookbook specifically came when we were at the one in Colorado?

Anthony: Yeah.

Katie: And we had people, a couple of people that would come with us, your aunt was one of them, that would help with the food and also kinda keep an eye on the little kids while the adults worked. But that was overwhelming for 1 person certainly to cook for 30 plus people. So, you guys ended up helping quite a bit, and then I think by the end of that one you guys had actually kind of taken over the food. And the 5 of the older ones were cooking for over 30 people which was really impressive.

Anthony: Yeah. We were cooking, I think the older ones were, and then the younger ones were waitresses and waiters, which was really fun.

Katie: That was fun, that was really…I think we all have probably really good memories of that. And you guys had a kids party, I think, in that, didn’t you, that was themed murder-mystery type party and the adults had one, too?

Anthony: I think so.

Katie: Yeah. Because the other part of this idea was that we would all rent a house together, so we were all under one roof which got a little chaotic, I think, a few times. But this particular house was really cool because it was almost like a 1950s murder-mystery type house, like very…like what you would see in “Clue.” And also it had a cool game room that had some games from Michael Jackson’s house and just all kinds of stuff. And you guys, again, built some version of Terabithia there, too, didn’t you?

Anthony: We did. Not as…I believe one of the families were missing, one or two, so there were five or six families. So, I think we just built like a pretty large teepee basically and that was it for that one, but it was certainly fun.

Katie: Got it. We were all impressed with the idea that you guys had cooked all the food. I will say one resource that really helped with that because I was usually planning the food for this kind of big things, and how do we feed 30 people 3 times a day, cooking from scratch without ordering food. And so, for anybody listening, I use Real Plans which you know well who’s Tony, the founders of Real Plans. But that tool is great because it’s an app and you can set the serving size. You can find all of your recipes and then just say, “I’m cooking for 32 people,” and adjust your shopping list for all of it. So, we had all these ingredients on hand and you guys took that and ran with it. And then it was there that the idea of a cookbook was born because you said like…I think you guys kind of realized a lot of people you knew your age didn’t know how to cook, and you guys were there cooking for big groups already. Why do you think it’s important for kids to know how to cook?

Anthony: Well, I mean, in the modern day world, I think it just…because we rely so heavily on takeout and restaurants and things like that, and if you learn how to cook, you get to know the food better and it’s much more healthy for you most of the times. And I just feel like you feel much more connected.

Katie: Great. And you definitely delve into this even beyond just writing the book. You have been in the kitchen quite a bit recently, and running kinds of new mediums even…you got sourdough recently which is new. I think in a lot of ways you’re better at cooking than I am, especially baking because you’re much more precise. But what did you learn in researching and writing the book? Was there anything that surprised you?

Anthony: Well, finding a lot of the recipes was kind of fun to do, I thought, because I could look at like not only what I eat a lot but also ones that I thought would be really quirky and fun to do. I don’t think there were too many things that surprised me but, yeah.

Katie: And it seems like from watching you, that kind of sparked an excitement in you about cooking and also about learning about kind of principles of cooking and food. And I know you’ve also now read “Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat,” and we’ve watched some of that series together. And you’ve cooked some of the recipes from that. Talk about some of your favorite cooking experiments.

Anthony: Yeah. I like that book a lot because it doesn’t emphasize so much on following recipes exactly but on using your senses to taste it and like smell and feel it. And because not everything is gonna be perfect, so I think it’s a lot better and that helps, it inspired me to do a lot more like experimental cooking.

Katie: Got it. I’ve got some benefit from that when you’ve done…I think you did duck fat tortillas that were really, really good. You’ve done pasta from scratch. You’ve done all kinds of cool stuff from getting inspired by her. And another fun thing that’s developed because of this is kids cooking, right, at our house. And I know this is on pause right now with quarantine but this is something that you created in our neighborhood with your friends. So, talk about what was the inspiration for that, and how many kids helped, and some of the things you guys cooked?

Anthony: Yeah, I remember. So, it started, I think, probably six months ago. We were making pizza and just a lot of the neighbors were around. So, we were like, “Hey, do you guys wanna help make pizza?” And then it was sourdough pizza. And that was really fun because it has a bunch of different jobs. And then, eventually, we did pizza for probably two months straight and then eventually we decided, “Hey, what if we do different recipes?” And so, what we do is we let everyone that does it, vote and then on…and we have like four different recipes a week. And there are specifically ones that we picked that have a lot of jobs so it’s really fun for everyone.

Katie: You created the sourdough entirely on your own, like you took care of it and made all kinds of recipes with that. And how many kids would you say were cooking by the time…because some of these cooking nights got pretty big?

Anthony: Yeah. I think at one point we had maybe 14, 16 kids like in and out. Some of them…I don’t think they were all there at once but throughout the night…or, yeah, about 16.

Katie: Yeah. You kinda had that up having younger ones even…you had people slicing tomatoes and making like sauces for different things and all kinds of stuff, grating cheese, even the little ones. What were…you probably had the four-year-olds there a couple of times.

Anthony: We did, yeah. They were good at grating cheese and doing little things like that, using a butter knife to cut up vegetables and stuff like that.

Katie: Yeah. I feel like young kids especially don’t often usually maybe get the opportunity to cook or they get to where they kinda make a sandwich or something simple. But definitely our experience and it seems like with you and your cooking nights too is that even young kids can actually be pretty helpful in the kitchen.

Anthony: Yeah. I think that little kids, they really…people don’t think they can do a lot of things when in the kitchen they really can because they can help with simple tasks which really help with the big picture.

Katie: Absolutely. And also like having them help clean as you go and keep organization, you guys had a whole system ready for that. And I think also it’s really important to emphasize, so you’re 13 and not only can you cook entire meals from scratch on your own with planning, but you can organize 16 kids to do that. I think a lot of people don’t even maybe at 13 think their kids are capable of that. But and you’ve even…like you’ve meal planned for our family before and you’ve…I mean, you cooked all kinds of meals. What had been some of your favorite meals you cooked for the family from scratch?

Anthony: So, there’s this Canadian dish called poutine. So, from one of masterminds we were talking about earlier, we went to Canada for one and it’s a Canadian dish. It’s just homemade fries, gravy, and then cheese, and I just love it. It’s super fun to make.

Katie: Nice. What have been some of your favorite mastermind memories?

Anthony: Oh, I don’t know, there’s so many good ones that I think it would take hours to tell all of them, but essentially building like the Terabithias. They’ve all been good throughout. Like we’ve had six, I think, masterminds and we’ve done it for all of those and that was really fun. And cooking at the mastermind, just hanging out, it’s really fun.

Katie: I think was it the Michigan one that we looked out the window, and all of you older boys were running around in the snow, jumping in the hot tub?

Anthony: Oh, yeah. We were running around in the snow in our swim suits and then just hopping in the hot tub. That was a lot of fun. It was hard to convince my friends to do it but I loved it.

Katie: Nice. Circle back on the mastermind, so it’s the five of you guys who wrote this cookbook, or basically five kids from five of the different families at the mastermind. And some of your best friends have come from the mastermind too, haven’t they?

Anthony: Yeah. My best friend, so Paul, he was writing the cookbook and then Abby, she did it, her younger brother, Caden, we’re really good friends.

Katie: Got it. And the other thing about this cookbook that I feel like it’s important for people to know is that you guys really did this on your own. It wasn’t like the parents were helping you that much or made you do it. We all run our businesses and have a lot of kids, and so you guys really took the initiative and did this on your own. What was the hardest part of that? Like were there ever organizational issues or logistical issues that made it hard?

Anthony: I mean, I think giving the book, like the publisher to actually do it was hard for a while because that took forever, so it was kind of like, “Oh, is this ever gonna happen?” And all of us, I think, kinda wanted to be in charge which was kind of a problem considering we’re all the oldest so we are all very stubborn. So, I think that was definitely a very challenging part.

Katie: Do you feel like you learned some lessons about navigating relationships and working with people even if you have some of those kind of dynamics through it?

Anthony: Yeah, I think I do. I think it helped to learn that you have to be more accepting and just understand like what point of view someone else is coming from on something.

Katie: Yeah. Now you guys have created this cookbook that’s about to be released. What are some of your favorite recipes from the book?

Anthony: I love Paul’s pizza recipe in there. My favorite recipe that I made myself is the sweet potato fries and the steak in there. I’ve not yet tried it, it’s by Will, I think, but it looks every good and I think I’m gonna try that sometime really soon.

Katie: And the beauty of these recipes, because you’ve cooked a few in our house and there’s definitely a lot more we need to cook from some of the other authors, but you guys talked through the concepts and kind of explained why…like the kitchen basics as well and how to source food. And these recipes are really like amazing recipes that adults would be proud to cook but you simplify them so kids can learn. And then you rate them from like easy or beginner, intermediate, and advanced, right? So, kids, as they kind of go through the process, can tell which recipes to start with.

Anthony: Yeah. So, it’s not really by age so much, it’s, yeah, definitely by skill level. We do try to do it to where you can kind of pick based on your skill level what you wanna cook and then like what meal, if you wanna do a smoothie or breakfast, lunch, all of that. So, I think it’s gonna be really helpful for kids.

Katie: And these are not just like peanut butter jelly sandwich or like, you know, chicken tenders or just kid food recipes. You guys have some really good, like I said, kind of adult recipes that kids also love so this is really fun. And as a parent, I will say it’s really awesome having a kid who understands this and is willing to cook because you definitely make my life easier a lot of times by cooking meals or taking over dinner and so I really appreciate that.

Now, let’s also talk about life a little bit. We can circle back to cooking. Quite a few people wanted me to ask you what life is like at our house and what I’m like as a mom. And you can be completely truthful about this. So, yeah, just tell a little bit about what life is like?

Anthony: Yeah. I think it can be really hectic having five siblings. I think it’s good, it’s kind of crazy a lot of times and you have to learn how to get along with everyone and that’s definitely very challenging. But overall, it’s really fun to have a bunch of best friends in the house.

Katie: Yeah. I mean, you definitely are the leader of the pack with your siblings and also somewhat in our neighborhood where there are…how many kids are in the neighborhood?

Anthony: I think we have between 20 or 30, depending on if you count teenagers or what your age limit is.

Katie: So, that’s kind of gotten not quite as fun right now with quarantine but before that, there’s packs of kids that like you’ve talked about you’ve had cooking nights with and all that. But just as life as the oldest of six kids, what would you say are maybe a hard part about that or an easy part about that?

Anthony: I mean, I think the hard part is definitely that like my siblings, they don’t always listen to me and that’s a little challenging. And sometimes I feel ganged up on because I’m the oldest, and they all kinda think I’m the enemy sometimes. But I mean, that’s pretty rare but it does happen some and I think that’s definitely very challenging. And an easy part, being the oldest, I definitely get more privileges but I also have much more responsibility so I think that’s a privilege.

Katie: Yeah, that’s a great point. And I know we’ve talked about in our family, you probably heard me say before too like there’s that quote that, “With great power comes great responsibility,” and we kinda turned that around and say, “Actually, with great responsibility comes great power.” And so, when you show us that you’re responsible, you get much more freedom and power, and you’ve definitely done a good job of that and of being an example of that to your siblings as well. And one thing I’ve always tried to encourage as a mom is for you to pursue things that interest you. And you can definitely tell the listeners better than I can if I’ve done a good job of that or not but I’d love to talk through a few of the projects that you’ve tried if you’re willing.

Anthony: Yeah. I have a couple of different ones that I’m doing. So, for one, I’m a beekeeper with my grandpa just down the street, and that’s really fun to get because I love insects and we get our own honey every year. So, I think that definitely ties into sustainability, too, which I’m very passionate about, so that’s one. Another is I have a mealworm/superworm project and that is both for digesting plastic. You can find videos and articles about it on the internet, and another is I eat them because I think they actually taste very good and they’re quite useful in cooking.

Katie: Yeah. So, let’s talk a little bit more about those because this has, I think, come up in passing many times on this podcast, and certainly I’ve mentioned it in passing a few times to people and they’ve been like, “What now?” So, when you say this, what you eat, right now there’s, what, a few thousand worms living in your closet in our house?

Anthony: Yeah.

Katie: Yeah. And there’s been some funny moments because the worms themselves are actually the larval stage of…

Anthony: A darkling beetle.

Katie: Okay, darkling beetle. And a couple of times some of these beetles have gotten out. And there had been funny moments, I think, with your sisters screaming in the shower when they found one. I think, is that what happened?

Anthony: Yeah. I think there was one where there was a beetle on the curtain in the shower, and then there was like a mealworm or superworm, I don’t remember which, on like the towel rack and that got some good screams.

Katie: So, explain what you mean by that they might be able to help digest plastic.

Anthony: So, there’s a study in 2015 done by researchers after a…there were superworms shipped…or mealworms, sorry, shipped in Styrofoam. And by the time they got shipped all the way to the house, they had eaten through the plastic so that…and this was a researcher so he decided to research it, and then they did a study and found that they can actually digest quite a bit of it within a pretty short amount of time.

Katie: What happens after they digest? Do we know yet? What is it breaking down into or do you know?

Anthony: It’s mostly just broken down into carbon and then there’s…you can even feed them to other animals because they break it down completely and just turn it into carbon, and all the BPAs are turned into their primary elements.

Katie: So, the exciting part of this one is like at scale to potentially dissolve some of the plastic problems, like Styrofoam which you can’t recycle. But if the worms can digest them to just carbon without the BPA, that would be potentially a safe way to neutralize it?

Anthony: Yeah. And this could even be very helpful. As we know that soil deterioration, that’s a very big thing and this is actually very good fertilizer from plastic which I think is really amazing. If we could do this on scale, we could get…I did the math. For mealworms, 40 mealworms, if you can keep those up for one year, they will eat a pound of plastic. So, if you have 40 million mealworms, you’re getting rid of a million pounds of plastic in one year and that would be very scalable. And I think it could also be a very big thing in poor countries to where we could use that and they could use it to feed their livestock and create money for themselves.

Katie: That would be amazing. And so, it’s just the worm, like the larval phase that can eat the plastic, right?

Anthony: Yes. I’m fairly sure what the researchers just come to a conclusion to but I don’t know if they’ve completely tested it. So, I think they have a problem eating it, like I think, in theory, their digestive system could if they were…could eat it. But I don’t think their mandibles are big enough to actually get on to the Styrofoam.

Katie: Okay. Do they know the worms are still safe to eat?

Anthony: Yes. They have a 24-hour period and then everything has been digested and turned into carbon and they’re completely safe up to that point.

Katie: Wow. And how long does the larval phase last?

Anthony: On mealworms, it lasts about three to four months, and on superworms, you can actually get it to last close to a year as they will not pupate again to the beetle phase unless they are not around other superworms. So, you can keep them like that pretty much for close to a year.

Katie: We’ve had them for over a year now, I think, haven’t we?

Anthony: Yeah, about a year and a half.

Katie: Okay. And then you’ve got all the phases of development in your closet, right? So, that once they pupae, you put those in a separate drawer.

Anthony: Yeah. And then once they turn into beetles from that, I put them on the top thing. Their eggs fall through a screen into the bottom one, and then they turn into larva and the process repeats.

Katie: Right. And now, we can maybe take some pictures of that and post as some people are curious what you said. So mealworms and superworms. What are the adult phases of each of those?

Anthony: They’re both species of darkling beetles, I believe they’re from Central America. And a lot of times they’re used for feeding pets like lizards and birds and things.

Katie: And I feel like the other larva, what we’ve had in our house were outside in a garden. But what if…you created some kind of a device, was it soldier flies?

Anthony: Yeah, it was a black soldier fly larva composter and basically you have…so we live in Florida which allows it to be very hot all year around so I can do this. And I put the compost inside a composter and then the flies, they don’t have mouths so they’re actually not bad or anything. And they lay eggs in there, they grow up very quickly, they multiply about a million times their size. And then they eat and convert about 90% of the mass that they eat into body weight. And then by the time they’re done as larva, the pupate and they want to get out of the compost. You can make it to where they automatically harvest themselves and then you can bring them to chickens or ducks. And it’s a great compost, too.

Katie: And those, did you tell me that helps break down compost more quickly? Obviously they break down even like things you wouldn’t normally compost, like meat?

Anthony: Yeah. They can do meat, bones, shells for like egg shells, all kinds of stuff. They can even break down bioplastics which is quite cool.

Katie: Which is interesting tie in there. So, we use bioplastic. Well, we use bioplastics for our compost bags. We also use bioplastics in, well, massive like containers. It’s super amazing that we have insects that can help. I think things like this, it’s really exciting to me and it sounds like to you, too, for the future of sustainability. I think if we can innovate using things like insects or like we’re finding all kinds of cool potential with mushrooms and fungus as well. Let’s talk about the garden a little bit, too, because you are definitely my biggest helper/you take over a lot of this and handle the garden. Tell people about what our garden is like.

Anthony: Yeah. So, we have a pretty large garden and we grow a bunch of different stuff from lettuce, tomatoes, potatoes, we grow I think beets, strawberries, a bunch of other stuff. I can’t name all of it, yeah.

Katie: Yeah. And we do it like every year, everywhere we lived, it grows every year. So, this year it’s…I’m really bad at estimating size but I think it’s like 20 feet by 100. It’s big, it’s like almost the whole side yard. And we clean the whole area and then put down a foot of woodchips which you and your friends helped me with a lot of trailers. And then we put mushroom compost, it grows and we put it on that, and it’s been amazing to see how fast, even like trees we’ve planted. When you plant them in compost how fast they grow. And then like you talked about, we have a composting section where all of our food waste goes, and then we mix it with existing compost, and we use the soldier flies and kind of create a sustainable system there. What are some other ways that you think we can focus on sustainability or that are exciting to you right now?

Anthony: Electric cars, I think that’s one that I think is very cool that isn’t talked about. Like sometimes in the health industry, it gets a bad rep, but I mean, it’s keeping emissions out of the atmosphere. It’s actually saving lives because air pollution takes a bit, I think the estimate was about six million lives a year, so I think that’s definitely a very big thing. There’s just tons of things like solar and there’s so much development in the sustainability industry lately that I think that’s very helpful for the future.

Katie: You also mentioned your bees which are obviously, absolutely, bees are vital to our food survival. Remembering, I mean, pollinators touch the vast majority of food that we eat. So, truly without pollinators, our food supply goes away, it’s very important. And you’ve been a beekeeper for probably about, what, four years now?

Anthony: Yeah, four or five.

Katie: So, talk about that because I think that also sounds like kind of a scary hobby to a lot of people and you’ve been doing it for a while even when you were really young. But just talk about what it’s like to be a beekeeper.

Anthony: I mean, there is a scary sense of it but the bee suits really do protect you and I think it’s so important because pollination, obviously, it’s about a third. If it wasn’t for pollinators, we would lose about a third or a half of our entire food supply. And you’d never have things like apples and things like that. So, I think that’s very important and you get to learn a lot about sustainability just from this and about insects, and it feeds into science and things being homeschooled. I think that’s the large part of a learning in science, that can actually be really helpful, biology. So, I think that’s a very good way to learn.

Katie: That’s cool because it’s tied in with certain other companies that I’ve worked with that we’ve kinda learned from together. Like there’s a company called Beekeeper’s Naturals and they have a spray that’s propolis. And I was familiar with propolis because of you and beekeeping, and it was cool to learn. People like… So, propolis is what the bees use to keep the hive clean and sanitary. So, even if like a mouse gets in the hive, the bees aren’t strong enough to carry the mouse back out but they can encase the mouse in propolis to keep it from getting bacteria to the hive as it breaks down. And also just cool things like honey is one of the few things that literally if it’s an air-free environment, it lasts forever, right, because bacteria can’t grow in it.

Okay. So, also our newest project that we can talk a little bit about in passing is getting ducks and this is happening. Actually, by the time people listen to this, we will have ducks. And for me, part of the reason for this is that one of your sisters can’t handle chicken eggs but she does okay eating duck eggs and they’re hard to find. And also, but there’s a lot of sustainability reasons to have ducks and to have animals in your yard. So, talk about why we’re getting ducks and what you’re excited about there.

Anthony: Yeah. I think ducks get kind of a bad rep compared to chickens even though they are quite a bit better if you look at the facts. So, ducks, they’re much less aggressive and they do not tear up your grass nearly as much. One disadvantage though is they have to have water like constantly to swim in and everything, and they do require more feed but they are a lot better at foraging and have better health so they last longer. So, I think that’s a very good thing. And their poop is quite good in the garden. It’s much better than even chicken poop and composting and for fertilizer in your garden, and does not have to be composted for like a year to get out all of the salmonella and E. coli.

Katie: That’s really cool, I’m excited. We’ll see if we still think it’s such a great idea in a couple of months when they’ve taken over the yard. But I’ve been working on this, we’re building their enclosure and that kind of stuff. And another part of life at our house is I definitely encourage you guys to play outside a lot and you are really good about this. A couple of your siblings don’t like to be outside quite as much. But because of this, we’ve built tree house in the backyard that you guys have even camped out in quite a bit and we have kind of a Ninja Warrior type training course connected to the tree house. And you spend a lot of time biking with your friends or fishing, things like that. Talk about, from a kid’s perspective, what it’s like to be able to have free time outside and why is that important for you?

Anthony: I think that’s definitely important because a lot of kids, if they don’t have access to outside, then they just get caught up in watching TV, on devices, and on those things, and we need to be outside. It’s a healthy part of our lives. And there’s many, many things you can do outside which are very fun compared to TV and things, and like you make your own experiences, so I think that’s very important. And from a kid’s point of view, I have a lot of freedom, I would think, for being outside and doing a lot of things. Like I can go down the street to go fishing if I want, I can ride my bike in different neighborhoods and things like that. And I think that’s very important because it allows me to feel like I have freedom because I’m responsible. So, that makes me feel like if I’m good and do things which are responsible, then I get to do more freedom, but if I’m irresponsible, I do not have that freedom.

Katie: On that note, do you… I’m really curious, actually just as your mom, but I’m curious what you say here. Do you feel like your freedom is limited in a lot of ways or that because of you showing responsibility that you’re able to do those things that you want to do.

Anthony: I feel like a lot of things, yeah. In some ways I feel like it’s a little bit different compared to a lot of my friends go to regular school. So, I feel like sometimes I feel different in that way, but I think it’s a good balance.

Katie: And I’m glad you brought up school. A lot of people ask me about school and what homeschooling is like, maybe I can talk a little bit about it. And we’re at a unique situation in that my parents are both retired teachers and are helping with some of school of you guys. But my focus in creating the curriculum that we use, and you can tell me if you think this is working, was that I didn’t want to just recreate a school environment but at home. Because I think there’s a lot of things about traditional school that are getting to be a little bit outdated, and we talked about some of these sustainability things. And the fact that you guys as the generation, rather than being workers in a desk, we need a lot of you to be innovators and to be thinking outside the box.

And so, your dad and I, when you guys were young, sat down and tried to think what are the qualities that most will help you succeed in life. Because we can’t even predict what life will look like when you…I mean, you’re not too far from adulthood now but when you were young, what it would look like because everything was changing so quickly. So, we wanted to make sure that you guys could maintain things like critical thinking and creativity, innovation, and ability to connect the dots. And so, we thought we don’t want to just have you sit at a desk for eight hours a day and be told what to think. We want you to get through the basics and then be able to do things that help you learn how to think, to help you learn to ask hard questions and to ask why. And as a mom, sometimes it gets a little frustrating because I’ve taught you guys to ask why quite so much. But talk about what your experience of school has been like and if you feel like those things have actually happened for you.

Anthony: Yeah. Our school system, I think, is a lot different from the public school system to where everyone learns the exact same thing. I think ours is more customizable on what we think we wanna do and what we’re interested in at that time. I think that’s very important because our school system is based 150 years ago in the industrial revolution when we needed factory workers, whereas that’s not really the case anymore and we’re still using that school system, which means it’s pretty messed up. And because everyone learns the exact same thing no matter if you like science, if you like math, if you are good at writing. So, I think it’s much more customizable. I think that’s very helpful for like the long-term plan of what I wanna do with my life and especially innovation. That’s what’s gonna be very important, I think, in the next 20, 30, 50 years.

Katie: Something I know you follow pretty closely, but so much traditional jobs, more and more can be outsourced to technology. And what we are to automate which is, on one hand, a big advantage for humanity but also that does take away jobs. Whereas, I feel like things like that creativity and that innovation, and thinking outside the box, like a machine can’t learn how to do that, at least not right now. What are some of your long-term plans for your life?

Anthony: So, as we were talking about that superworm/mealworm project, I can actually prove that we could use that to scale. I think it would be very cool to start a company in which I could actually use that. And even in poor countries, create facilities where we do this, creating food for those communities while getting rid of pollution, I think that would be very cool. And things like that, yeah. I have a bunch of different plans for businesses that I could start. I don’t know if they’re all gonna happen but like… I think space exploration is another thing. I know that sounds crazy. Typical kid, space exploration, but I think getting to Mars is going to be crucial if we want to take some of the strain off of the planet. So, I think that’s going to be very cool.

Katie: And I know you and I are both very passionate about reducing a plastic problem. And I’ve written about this on the blog and you have talked about it many, many times. And I had just quoted some of those stats about how much plastic we have in the ocean and there are floating islands the size of the state of Texas. So this is a very massive problem. And I know you know the research, too, about how if we don’t solve this problem, truly like the planet doesn’t have too much longer without addressing this. And so, I think it’s awesome that there are people like you and your generation that are willing to take these on. Because, certainly, we’ve created some problems we got to fix.

Anthony: Yeah. And I think we look at it at the point of that we’re helping the planet, whereas in reality that’s not what’s happening. Because if the planet does die, it’s really not gonna kill the planet. In a million years it will be back to normal completely fine. It’s going to kill us, like the planet is a living ecosystem. It will kick us out if we are bad to it. Like we have to look at it, I think, more of in terms of that. Like it’s not really saving the planet. I mean, it is important to save species but the planet as a whole will be absolutely fine in a million years. It’s us that will have the problem and be dead.

Katie: That makes sense. So, basically, the planet as a whole is like a self-correcting organism that is gonna return to homeostasis eventually, and if we keep sort of making it mad, we might be the casualty of that.

Anthony: Yeah. Like it’s not the problem, like the planet is not what we’re worrying about. What we should be worrying about is that we should be worrying about ourselves and other species which we are killing off because of this.

Katie: And how to live, kind of a harmony with the planets we visit. And we’re seeing kind of examples of this right now with quarantine and how much pollution has reduced just from the month that people have been in quarantine and the water in Venice being clear for the first time and place of history and all kind of stuff. You also mentioned you have a lot of ideas of businesses you want to start. And the listeners have probably heard me talk about our entrepreneurship focus in our family and how we have a contract with you guys, that before you can drive, you have to have a profitable business for a year. And I’m a big believer personally that entrepreneurs have the ability to fix a lot of these problems, some of the ones we’ve just already talked about. But I’m curious if you could talk us through some of through some of the ideas that you’ve had for this and some of the ones you’ve already tried. I won’t say the name yet because it’s not quite ready to launch, but you’re also working. But what are some of these ideas that you’ve thought about? You got a couple of years and you’ll be driving.

Anthony: Yeah. So, a podcast, I think that’s something that I’m…I think it would be very cool to interview people in these fields which I think are very important and innovation. So, it would be a podcast about achieving basically innovation in the world and things like that. And for business ideas, I have quite a few, I think. I have like a list in my room, it’s like 8 or 10 of different ones. I think one of them was to be… So, one problem is it’s hard to get water, especially if you’re in coastal regions of the world, and especially in poor places. And if we could make it to where we could use salt water to where we can boil it and then use the steam to actually create drinking water. And right now that’s way too expensive for many places but if we could innovate that and make it way cheaper, I think that would be very helpful for many countries.

Katie: Yeah. And I think that’s something we’ve talked about, you and I quite a bit in entrepreneurship, it’s you have to find a problem and solve it. And like you’re looking at…I love that you’re looking at big scale problems for the world. I know you started small. You’ve done all kinds of small businesses in our neighborhood and in our community, and I love that you’ve now kind of shifted your focus to the larger scale. One thing that we did with you guys to hopefully help kind of create the ideas for some of these was…this was of the advice of our friend, Naveen, who you also know and are friends with and you visited at his house. He’s the founder of Viome. But his advice was to have kids watch Ted Talks in the morning on three unrelated topics because he said you guys are born naturally so creative and with the ability to find patterns and good to connect the dots. So, if you give lots of ideas and things to look at, you guys will find patterns where there aren’t even probably patterns people have found. And you’ve been better about watching the Ted Talks than with some of your siblings have. I’m curious if you have any of your favorite Ted Talks that come to mind from all the ones we’ve watched over the years.

Anthony: Yeah. My personal favorite Ted Talk I think is one by Elon Musk, I believe it’s called “The Future We’re Building and Boring.” That was really interesting because I think Elon Musk, he has a view for the world in which we can solve these problems and he’s coming up with ways, not necessarily…well, like he’s connecting the dots. Because I think for an entrepreneur, that’s what’s really important. You don’t necessarily have to be the scientist that comes up with the idea but figure out how can we connect these dots and make it work. So, I think that’s very important. And watching Ted Talks, I think that’s given me a lot of inspiration because I’ll watch them on just random topics and it’s helped me see ways that we could look at this differently, how we could change the world just by doing one simple thing.

Katie: Yeah, and it really is kind of amazing to me, I enjoy them too but a lot of these, they’re 60 minutes long and it’s like the best in the world. All of the summary of all the best that we have learned in 60 minutes. And so, you have all of those available at our fingertips, it’s just really, really cool. I know you tend to really enjoy the ones kind of in line with the interest we’ve talked about of sustainability and technology. And so, do you think that these things can go hand in hand because I feel like sometimes people try to make a dichotomy between technology and environmentalism and sustainability. Do you think we can actually use technology to improve the planet?

Anthony: Yeah. I think that’s what’s gonna be the savior of the planet really is because if we look at it if they’re enemies, we’re not going back in time. It’s either we’re going to have to work together or we’re going to die as species. So, I think that’s going to be very important because we can use this technology and come up with ways in which we can bind technology in nature in a way that is helpful for the planet and other species which we want to save and ourselves.

Katie: Are you hopeful that like in the near generation we’ll find answers to like the plastic in the ocean problem?

Anthony: I think we can. We have solutions right now, it’s just that they haven’t been implemented in a way that we have been promised. A lot of people, they look at, “Oh, when is the government going to do this?” But I think we look at the government too much because we can do things ourselves. Like you can…sure, it’s hard to start a business but you can do it. And if we had more people coming up with ideas for how we can actually, like start a business and implement these solutions in a way which it is a business, then I think we could solve many of these problems in 30 years’ time.

Katie: I agree with you. And I’m excited to see what your generation can do with that. Maybe a little bit in the same vein, in our family, one of our core values is travel. And we believe that travel is great because it helps you get out of your comfort zone and you learn new skills, and you work through challenges. And when you guys were little, your dad and I realized a lot of how we got where we are in life is because we had challenges earlier in life that made us learn skills and become resilient. And so, we wanted you guys to have that same opportunity but obviously we don’t wanna just make your lives difficult on purpose so that you would have challenges to overcome. And so, travel was one of the solutions to this because when you travel, there’s just kind of built in challenges at times and you have to adapt and learn and be consistent, like all of these lessons we wanted to teach you. I’m curious where have been some of your favorite and least favorite travel experiences?

Anthony: Yeah. So, I think going to Costa Rica, I think that is tied into a lot about like how we’re saying that this technology in superworms, how we can use that to actually help poor countries. I think going there and actually going to the third world country, I think that helped me see it a lot in like a way on how we can help people and combine two things, like a problem and then use it as a solution to that problem, and then also help people in these poorer countries. So, I think that was a very good travel experience and one that was one of my top favorites. And then least favorite ones, I don’t know. There’s no way for me to tell that.

Katie: Yeah. You’ve always kind of enjoyed the travel. I feel like you’re pretty…you guys are all really pretty good travelers actually. And Costa Rica was fun because you got to go there…well, we’ve been there twice but you got to go one of the times with some of your friends from the mastermind. And you older kids even kind of gotten just go out into the local city and even like barter. You learned some Spanish, I think, on that trip and how to negotiate and stuff?

Anthony: Yeah. And I definitely did get to learn how to negotiate and I learned some very basic Spanish, not very good at all, but yeah. And it was cool to just see how things work in another country, how they do things differently, how things are the same between humans everywhere. And another fun thing about that trip which I haven’t mentioned yet is that we went scuba diving, so I think that was suddenly a very cool challenge in some ways but also very fun and it definitely paid off.

Katie: And another motto that we have in our family is that you were made to do hard things which we learned from our friends, the Langfords, and you mentioned you’re good friends with their son, Caden, and their daughter, Abby, is one of the other authors on this cookbook. And that was a great example of where you have to apply that with scuba diving because that is, your dad and I both scuba dive and that is a pretty tough thing to pick up. And you learned right at age 10 with some of your friends, and we’ve now gotten to scuba dive together. What are some other examples of you are made to do hard things in your life?

Anthony: So, last year there’s…around here, we live in Florida, so there’s a junior lifeguard program, and I had done the younger kid one and I was kind of scared to do the older kid one. But it turned out to be very fun even though it was definitely very challenging because you’re having to run multiple miles, swim 300, 500 meters, and board a mile, something like that. So, I think that was definitely very challenging but paid off and was very fun in the end.

Katie: Yeah, that definitely, you guys came home so tired from being in an area like this, because it’s important so we thought you guys should have this to be very proficient in the water, and you guys have the option, if you want to, to be lifeguards when you’re teenagers and to work in the summers that way. Also, a few that come to mind for me because this is definitely, the adults in the family, we’re not exempt from this. We were made to do hard things, too. And so, I tried to look for things that I can learn that are difficult as well and you often were alongside with me. So, a couple of others that come to mind right now are learning Japanese and pole vaulting. So, talk about those because those are not probably normal hobbies that maybe a lot of families have.

Anthony: Yeah. So, pole vaulting, the reason we took that up is that in our local area, about a mile and a half away we have a professional pole vaulter. He was top 10 in the world, I believe, at one point and he lives there and he’s so good at teaching it in a way that makes sense and it’s simple, but it’s also like you’re learning it in a way that is so fun, that I don’t know. There’s just something about pole vaulting. It’s challenging and it’s weird, it’s different but it’s fun because of that, I think. And you’re doing something that’s different and you’re flying over a bar. And then Japanese, one of the pole vaulters, he has someone that lives next to them and he’s also a pole vaulter. He’s training for the Olympics this year for Team USA, and he knows Japanese. And so, he said he could teach us and it’s really fun to see how different that language is because they do it so differently than English but they’re still somewhat the same, that it’s fun to see those differences and how similar they are though as well.

Katie: Yeah. I know we have hoped maybe if our friend made it to the Olympics, that you would be able to go to Japan and watch him. And, of course, now that we’re a little bit up in the air and we’ll have to see next year when Tokyo is rescheduled but we have a little bit more time at least to learn Japanese. But that one has been a challenge for sure for me, too. Because, like you said, it’s totally different character so it’s not like just learning Spanish where at least the letters are the same and there’s some things that sounds somewhat similar. This is like a whole different, the tonality is different and the writing is different, and you have to learn stroke, order, and all kinds of stuff. But it’s been a really fun experience.

This podcast episode is brought to you by Beekeeper’s Naturals, a company dedicated to protecting the bees while creating sustainably sourced bee products for our whole families. Without bees, our global food supply would collapse, so protecting the bees protects all of us. As a certified B Corp, Beekeeper’s Naturals cares deeply about the environment, about the bees, and about their employees, and their customers and consumers, which is us. If you’re new to using bee products, I personally, recommend starting with the propolis spray. And this is a delicious way to support the immune system. And if you aren’t familiar with propolis, it’s really incredible. Propolis is the substance that bees use inside the hive to fight bacteria and any other pathogen or invaders that enter the hive. In fact, even if something as large as, like, a mouse should enter the hive, and the bees can’t get it out, they can encapsulate it in propolis to keep that from infecting the hive and creating all kinds of bacterial problems. Propolis is naturally antibacterial. It has a compound called pinocembrin that works as an antifungal, and it’s also an antioxidant, and anti-inflammatory. I personally spray it in my throat at the first sign of a tickle in my throat, or the sniffles, and I spray it on wounds and burns for faster healing. You can save 15% on propolis and all Beekeeper’s Naturals products as a listener of this podcast. To get the deal, go to beekeepersnaturals.com/wellnessmama, and use the code “wellnessmama” to save 15%.

This episode is brought to you by Wellnesse. That’s Wellnesse with an E on the end, which is my new personal care company that is dedicated to making safe and effective products from my family to your family. We started with toothpaste and hair care because these are the biggest offenders in most bathrooms, and we’re coming after the other personal care products as well. Did you know for instance that most shampoo contains harsh detergents that strip out the natural oils from the hair and leave it harder to manage over time and more dependent on extra products? We took a different approach, creating a nourishing hair food that gives your hair what it actually needs and doesn’t take away from its natural strength and beauty. In fact, it’s specifically designed to support your hair’s natural texture, natural color, and is safe for color-treated hair as well. Our shampoos contain herbs like nettle, which helps strengthen hair and reduce hair fall, leaving your hair and scalp healthier over time, and scented only with natural essential oils in a very delicate scent so that you don’t have to worry about the fragrance as well. Over time, your hair gets back to its stronger, healthier, shinier state without the need for parabens or silicone or SLS. You can check it out along with our whitening toothpaste and our full hair care bundles at wellnesse.com, that’s wellnesse.com. An insider tip, grab an essentials bundle or try auto-ship and you will lock in a discount.

Katie: And another core value in our family is independence. And your dad and I tried really hard to foster self-sufficiency in you guys. And as the oldest, I think you’ve always been the most independent but we’ve seen this even more from you in the last year when you’ve learned how to fix things as they break and vet things to solve problems. For instance, I think one of your more recent projects you’re still working on is learning how to melt down aluminum for a Halloween costume. Explain that to me.

Anthony: Yeah. So, me and my friend in our neighborhood, I won’t say his name because I didn’t get permission to. So, there’s a show called “The Mandalorian” on Disney Plus. A lot of you have probably heard of it. It was really famous last year. And this Mandalorian suit of armor, we thought it would be very cool to try to do a costume like that for Halloween. And all of the film ones, they didn’t look right so we thought, “Well, what if we could do it with metal and aluminum?” I mean, you have tons of aluminum cans everywhere. Tons of people drink out of them and stuff, so it’s an easy resource to get. And if we can melt them, then we could create a really high-quality costume pretty much for free.

Katie: And you guys have tried a couple of ways so far, definitely I love it. It’s still in progress. And if we ever do round two, we can update people of how it’s going. And as we record this, we’re getting kinda towards the end, but we are all still in quarantine which is why we have extra time to record this podcast. I’m curious from a kid’s perspective, how has this experience been for you?

Anthony: Quarantine, I think because we’re homeschooled, we’re still doing school and things like that, that it hasn’t been too much different. But like on one side, yeah, it hasn’t been that much different but then on another, it’s been just wildly different because people’s behavior and things. So, it’s really weird.

Katie: Yeah. I think that’s the saddest part for me is to witness. I get that we need physical distancing but to witness how people have changed how they relate to other people and like the fear people have of each other, and I’m hoping that will go away once the quarantine lifts. And look, I think you guys have actually handled it really well and like you said, you do a lot of the things you have already done, you’re still doing school, you still play outside, so get sunshine and all of that. But in many ways, I think this time period right now might kind of define your generation because a lot of changes are gonna come from this and certainly there will be a lot of problems to fix after that.

Anthony: Yeah. I think it’s really important thought that through this, even though it’s a challenge, that we don’t overestimate it and that we are humans. If we unite, we can do pretty much anything. I mean, look at where we are now. We’re a global species and we went from being a global species to…in a 500-year period we went from being in pretty much just Europe and Asia to then being all over the world, and I think that’s really crazy.

Katie: Definitely. As we get to the end, this has been a really fun conversation for me, I’m curious if you have any advice that you would like to give to other kids your age or kids who are a little younger maybe?

Anthony: Don’t be limited by what you think you can… dream big. Don’t think that you can��t do something just because you’re a kid, I mean, you can. Sure, it’s going to be maybe more challenging because you are younger but you definitely can do whatever you set your mind to. I think that’s what kids really have to remember.

Katie: And certainly you guys do have the entire essentially world knowledge at your fingertips through the internet. And even like courses, like MIT open sources their courses now and you watch Ted Talks, so there’s so much knowledge that’s available. What about things that you wish parents knew about what it’s like to be 13 or about letting kids learn or basically things from your perspective?

Anthony: I think parents, one thing that I get kind of annoyed by is that parents, they look at kids and they’re like, “Oh, we have to keep a super close eye on them all the time.” Whereas that’s really, you have to let the kid learn to be responsible and have freedom. Because by the time they’re adults, they’re going to be doing that. And if you haven’t let them learn how to take care of themselves, then they’re just going to go from being watched all the time and having everything done for them to having nothing done for them and having to do everything themselves. So, I think that’s very important from that point of view because you want to be able to give your kids freedom, but you also want them to not give them too much because you don’t want them to be completely wild. It’s a balance.

Katie: Do you feel like because we try really hard not to assert your freedom unless that’s something that’s actually truely a big deal or dangerous. Do you feel like you have more freedom and that you have the ability to learn and make mistakes and gain more responsibility?

Anthony: Yeah. I think I have a good balance to where it’s not like, I like being controlled in a little way to where I know that like I can’t do something super crazy and I’m never going to be forced to do that. But I also like how I do have freedoms to where I can decide things for myself.

Katie: Do you feel like you have any maybe areas where that’s not true, or like areas where you wanna rebel because, I know, when I was a little older than you, there was a lot of rules and I could do a lot of things I wanted to do. And so, I always like was trying to find ways to assert my freedom. And as a parent now, I’ve realized, especially as a teenager, your psychological job actually is to become self-sufficient and to eventually like step back a little bit from your nuclear family and become an adult at some point. So, do you feel like you have any real like areas where you want to rebel, or do you feel like you’re able to exercise your freedom?

Anthony: I think I can use my freedom. So, I think that’s a good way. It’s a balance to where I don’t really rebel that much. That I think because I have the ability to do all of these things that I don’t feel I need to because I can do most of the things I want to.

Katie: That makes sense. What about from like dynamic relationship, dynamic perspective? What are some things that you help…as from a kid’s perspective, that helped have a strong relationship with a parent that make it, where you feel like you can come talk to us if you need us but also that you have freedom?

Anthony: I think it’s just really important that the parent especially let the kid be themself and do kind of what they want, but also let the child know that they are there for them and they’re not going to judge them based on what they do. Like they’re always going to love them no matter what.

Katie: I’m really glad, that makes me so happy as a mom that that’s a lesson that you felt like you learned from us. Also, I know that you’re an avid reader as are pretty much all of us in our family. And this is a question I ask everybody on the podcast at the end about books that they love. And before you answer, I’ll say, of course, the fact that you’ve now written a book, it makes it one of my favorites and that’s really special to me. So, if you guys are listening, it would be awesome if you would check it out. It’s called “Chef Junior” and there will be a link in the show notes. What are some other books that you love?

Anthony: I’ve read so many books over the years that I can’t really boil that down, that book we were talking about earlier, “Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat” and that’s a really good one that I thought was interesting. I absolutely love reading biographies. I read one about Amazon, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, those. And then I do like fiction as well. I think that it kind of lets you see in a world where how it could be reading fiction. So, there’s the Percy Jackson series, “Harry Potter,” of course, that’s a really good one. “Keeper of the Lost City,” that’s another good fictionist. And “Hardy Boys,” I read that one a while ago, that series but I thought that was a really good one, and yeah.

Katie: Awesome. Well, this has been such a fun interview, Anthony, it’s flown by. I can’t believe we’re almost at an hour already. But I just wanna say a couple of things on the record that I am so proud of you and all of the things you’re doing, and not just “Chef Junior” and this project but how great of a sibling you are and all of the ways that you care about other people, and about our planet. And I’m really grateful that you were here with me today.

Anthony: Thanks, Mom.

Katie: And, as always, thanks to all of you for joining us and for sharing one of your most valuable resources, your time with us. We’re both very grateful that you did. And I hope that you will check out “Chef Junior” and I hope you would join me again on the next episode of the “Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/chef-junior/

[meiizumi]

Castle of Shikigami: An informal rant nobody asked for about my most obscure obsession to date

STOP i spent like 2 days writing this post and im only posting it on tumblr because it’s the one website i’m a member of that can hold the most text. i wanted to infodump somewhere...... read this to learn something i guess (´･ω･`)

Bad voice acting is the Peak of comedy to me, and while I was looking for something to laugh at one day, I found this game called Castle Shikigami 2 for the PS2. The US version of the game's dialogue is rife with machine translated text that makes no sense, and awkward voice acting to boot. They even have voice actors saying the wrong lines, voice actors speaking implied commands, and a few voice lines are left in Japanese. Apparently, Roger Craig Smith (Sonic the Hedgehog's current voice actor) was in this game but I don't think he's even credited?! I think I know which character he voiced but I’m not exactly sure.

The history behind this game’s localization is REALLY weird. Castle of Shikigami/Shikigami no Shiro was originally an arcade bullet hell shoot em up game. The series was created by Alfa System and it was one of Alfa System’s main IPs. There are three main shmup installments and a text adventure game for the PS2, Nanayozuki Gensoukyoku. Nanayozuki was practically fanservice for whatever number of CoS fans there were back then. Each main game in the series was originally an arcade cabinet, but they were all ported to PC and home consoles. In CoS 2′s case, it came out on the PS2, Gamecube, and Dreamcast, but only the PS2 version got localized. The western publisher, XS Games specializes in publishing quality budget titles such as “Bass Pro Shops: The Strike” for the Wii. I theorize they didn’t care too much about the actual content of CoS 2 and were more focused on selling a game quickly for a low price, so they just machine translated it and adjusted a few things. If you’re wondering if Castle of Shikigami 1 was also translated this badly, the answer is No. XS Games instead removed all the dialogue from the western release of CoS 1, and released it with the title “Mobile Light Force 2″.

“Wait, what do you mean ‘Mobile Light Force TWO’ if Castle of Shikigami 1 is the first game in the series?” If you want to know what Mobile Light Force 1 was, it’s GUNBIRD; another shmup game, but by a completely different developer than Castle of Shikigami. I don’t know why they did that. What really kills me though is that both MLF 1 and 2 use the same boxart, which is COMPLETELY unrelated to the actual contents of either game. AFJQHJFOKLJFDS look at this

There’s more hilarity behind Mobile Light Force that isn’t hard to find so you can search that up if you’re interested. But thankfully, Castle of Shikigami 3's Wii edition got more of a proper localization by Aksys Games.

Now I would bluntly say something like “stan castle of shikigami” but:

1. This series’ lore is insanely convoluted. It’s an essential part of this expansive fictional universe referred to as “Mumei Sekaikan” (I don’t know what this translates to in English) where there’s like, 7 different parallel worlds. There’s more obscure ass games and manga that are tied to this universe, and I think there’s even a tabletop RPG made based off it. Have you heard of “Gunparade March”? Most likely you haven’t; it’s an obscure video game made by Alfa System that also got adapted into an anime, and I feel it can be described as Mechas x Persona. One of the characters in CoS 2 is just one of the GPM characters going undercover to find her senpai who traveled to the CoS world. Or something like that. The 7-world universe isn’t explicitly talked about in the game but they make so many references to it without defining anything that it’s like you Must know about it. There is NO documentation in English about the Mumei Sekaikan I could find on the internet, although there is a wiki in Japanese where I got a ton of knowledge from (GOOGLE TRANSLATE IS MY TRUSTED FRIEND) I feel like I might be THE person in the United States who has the most knowledge on the Mumei Sekaikan, and I could go on another tangent talking about what I know so far (and who this one specific dude Shibamura Yuuri is) but I won’t.

2. The writing isn’t excellent and can be pretty Unwoke ™; the first game came out in 2001 and the third game came out in 2005 if that gives you a sense on what era these writers were in. As far as the games dialogue goes, the characters appear kind of flat. CoS 1 and 2 Kotaro (i refuse to use the official “Kohtaro”) is stupid and driven by JUSTICE to a point where it’s annoying. I can’t tell if Hyuga is trying to be a Ladies Man in CoS 2 and 3. Kim, a religious tae kwon do instructor, spends CoS 2 thinking about how he should atone for his sins, then he turns himself into jail at the end. Sayo’s backstory is that she was a shrine maiden raised as a “human weapon” to have no emotions and her only goal in life was to kill god and then die, something like that. However, after CoS 1, she gets a crush on Kotaro because he actually treats her like a human and Of course that’s what you’d expect from the main teen girl and boy in the series. In CoS 3, Sayo's character is mostly played out to be a major tsundere for Kotaro even though surprisingly HIS character in this game changed a ton compared to 1 and 2 (he had to kill an illusion of his older brother, who he learned actually died earlier, and now he has to kill an illusion of his childhood sweetheart... damb that shit sucks :/). He’s still stupid though

There’s a gag in CoS 2 that I can’t clearly remember where it’s like, Niigi makes Sayo and Fumiko, who are both romantically interested in Kotaro, think that he’s only into little girls? Meanwhile, Fumiko’s magic goes wrong and her appearance turns to that of a child though in response she’s like “hee hee maybe Kotaro will like this”. basically more On-Brand early 2000′s anime unwokeness than average. Speaking of Fumiko, she’s a 400+ year old militaristic witch who constantly teases Kotaro (who’s like 16 or 17) and she wants to marry him for his magical potential since he’s like one of the candidates for becoming God??? From the official CoS 3 character descriptions, “Her hobby is to steal the men from other women. Her second hobby is trampling upon people.” She canonically stole her stepmother’s husband from her stepmother (the 3rd boss of CoS 3). I don’t get how that shit would have worked

3. The game itself is HARD af but to be fair I’m a scrub gamer. I can’t get past stage 3 on easy difficulty without continuing. Yes i bought CoS 1 on Steam, Yes it has a port on steam i feel like i should have mentioned this earlier

4. Besides CoS 1 having a port on Steam, CoS 2 and 3 might be hard to obtain legally. The poorly translated CoS 2 was apparently super cheap back then, but since it’s an old game, its value might’ve increased. When I tried looking up prices for English CoS 3, all the listings were like at least $40 and being broke I wouldn’t want to spend more than $29 for a Wii game in 2019... honestly I just emulated CoS 2. shout out to PCSX2

Last month I was desperate, bored enough, and deep enough in the Shikigami rabbit hole that I tried to find the manga based off of it online. The CoS manga only tells the events of the first two games so I still don’t really get anything about CoS 3, like who Mihee, Batu, and Emilio are supposed to be. However, the plot events also differ. For example, Roger Sasuke exists as a character in CoS 3 but in the manga he literally Dies. There’s 11 total volumes of this; 3 volumes dedicated to CoS 1 and the latter 8 (the “Twisted Castle arc”) dedicated to CoS 2. Only the very first 3 chapters were scanlated to English all the way in 2011. Fortunately, I did find the entire manga uploaded though............... in CHINESE. So you know what I did? I “read” the entire thing using my phone’s Google Translate OCR app to take pictures of each page and comprehend the translations. Of course I still don’t understand CRAP because of the Mumei Sekaikan jargon + machine translation but I understood enough to get emotionally attached to some of the characters. I wish I hadn’t. At least through the manga I learned that the characters DO have some depth and pre-established relationships. For instance, the reason why Roger Sasuke became a ninja is because when he first landed in Japan as a kid, he was getting bullied or something and he didn’t know Japanese then Kotaro saw this and told the bullies to stop. Then after Roy /sorry i mean Roger learned that he was set to home-stay with the Kugas in the first place, he decided to dedicate his life to Japan in order to protect Kotaro back. I think. DO U SEE HOW ABSURD THIS SHIT IS Anyway Nanayozuki takes place between the second and third games and sets things up for CoS 3. There’s a full playthrough of it uploaded to YouTube and I think it contains a lot of juicy lore, but it’s just too much to go over with Shitty Google Translate OCR. There’s also Shikigami no Shiro novels which apparently contain the most backstory, but I have a 0% chance of finding these online for free. Not to mention that these would ALSO be too much effort to Google Translate.

in conclusion: You don’t HAVE to play Castle of Shikigami. Like, I’m not gonna recommend it for the content, but if you love shmups and are looking for a shmup game you haven’t heard of then I will recommend it for the gameplay (old touhou mutuals assemble theres a POWER-UP-BY-GRAZE MECHANIC). I’ve counted like 4 total fans outside of Japan that like this series for the story, and I don’t think that number is going to increase because I doubt CoS 2 will ever get retranslated and ported. I just want you to know that this series exists and that there’s a ton of wacky shit behind it besides the bad Castle Shikigami 2 dub. also if someone knows enough japanese or chinese and has an INKLING of interest in this series umm talk to me and help me decipher stuff

I‘m kinda sad that the series is pretty much Dead though. This is the most recent piece of official Castle of Shikigami art I could find, and this was for the 2018 New Year. The next most recent piece of official CoS art I found was also drawn by the character designer Sonoda Miku all the way in January 2008, commemorating the end of the CoS manga serialization. Alfa System released a spiritual sequel to Castle of Shikigami on the Japanese Switch eShop called Sisters Royale, with character designs I think are still by Sonoda. By “spiritual sequel” I mean that it has some of the EXACT same shot types as CoS and the same mechanic where grazing bullets increases your power and score. This is the closest we’ll get to a Shikigami no Shiro 4. I wonder what the business decision behind that game was but it actually looks like fun and I want to play it so OK Go off i guess

[alicedoessurveys]

60 Questions

Are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments? Not learning from anyone, but I'm teaching myself to play ukelele

Are you one of those people who always tend to think critically in issues? i dont 100% understand the question, but i am someone who is constantly thinking critically of myself. I'm not so critical of other people

Do you know anyone who is overly flirty with people? Girl or a boy? Yeah, I've known a few boys over the years who seem incapable of having a girl as just a friend without being flirty

When was the last time you had any kind of pork? What kind was it? Had sausage the other day, but i cant remember what day it was my brain isn't working

Are you someone who normally eats a full breakfast every single morning? i usually eat cereal, unless I'm not hungry or when i have to wake up early for something cause i tend to feel really sick

Do you believe vampires are real? Not the stereotypical Twilight kind. surely not, but then there are some strange people in the world

Is there anyone out there who can give you butterflies in your stomach? Yup

Are you someone who has to hide the things you like around friends? not really, me and my friends tend to like the same things

Have you ever been to a porn website? Were you addicted to it afterword? i have, i used to be friends with someone who while we were on Skype would find it hilarious to send me random links and wait to see my reaction when i click it and end up on some horrid porn site.

What is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? Idk, i find it gross when i see guys out in public with their hands down their pants :’) and spitting, i hate seeing anyone walking down the road spitting theres no need and its disgusting

Would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? Which one seems best? Teleport. never have to drive again 👍🏻

Have you seen the movie Twister? Did the tornadoes look real to you? i have not seen it

Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? Thankfully nope. we don't really have anything that bad in england. we did have a bad hurricane once like over 10 years ago that cause quite a bit of destruction. i was actually in the exact area it hit like 5 minutes before it hit which freaked me out a bit

Did your mom ever fix your eggs and bacon into a smiley face as a kid? i didn't have bacon and eggs as a kid

What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? i really like burger king’s fries or mcdonalds

Do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet Earth? Nope

Are you someone who always looks for sales when you go shopping somewhere? not really, i have to be in the right mood. i do look when I'm online though

Are you constantly re-arranging your bedroom? Or do you not like change? i used to be someone who rearranged my room a lot (i get it from my mother) but since i moved into my current bedroom 2 years ago its stayed the same way with slight changes to what furniture is in there or the way i arrange my books/ornaments etc

Who would you consider the best teen actor or actress out there now? ones that people will know i think are the actors from stranger things, especially the girl who plays eleven. Also the main two out of the netflix version of ‘a series of unfortunate events’ are brilliant

When did you last cuddle up next to someone and watch a movie? not for ages

Where would people most likely find you out on the weekends? at home :’) i don't really go out

Do you like the school you attend or is it just pretty bland to you? im not in school anymore, but when i was i hated it. its was an absolute dive

Do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? I've never been to a parade that throws candy.

What is your favorite childhood memory? Who did you share this with? going to my nan and grandads house 3 days a week every summer holiday

Are there any windows open in your house right now? Which ones, if so? nope its cold

Is it currently your favorite season? If not what is your favorite? its just past my favourite season, i like autumn and the part of winter where its christmas

Do you like soda pop? If so, which is your favorite and least favorite? what is soda pop?

Does it bother you when people burp around you or do you do it too? Nope, doesn't bother me at all. I've been bought up in a family that isn't

Do you have any siblings you’re embarrassed about being related to? nope Im proud of my sister

Which noises do you currently hear right now? Can you control those? The telly which i could turn off if i wanted to but i dont. also, cause I'm ill I've got tinatus in my ears

What is one thing you’ve never understood throughout your life? a lot of things

When you see an old person do you think ‘sweet’ or ‘creepy?’ Sweet

What is it that makes old women want so many cats in their life? cats are good company and fluffy and low maintenance

What is one kind of music you’d do anything to not listen to in the car? Scream

When was the last time you babysat, if ever? Did anything bad happen? last time i babysat was last year sometime. nothing bad happened. ill be babysitting a lot more when this foster child comes along

How many times a day do you wash your face? Do you wash it really good? I dont wash it as much as i should. i tend to use face scrub/wash when I'm in the shower

Would you consider yourself to have a boring life or a really exciting one? currently very boring

Do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? Or is that weird? No, thats weird haha

Who was the last person you kissed and why did you kiss this person? Ugh, I've kinda explained this in previous surveys. he was someone i got very close to and nearly dated but then i freaked out and decided i didn't want a boyfriend. then we didn't talk for a while and he found himself a girlfriend but when we worked on the same theatre production together we got close again. one night he was driving me home from rehearsals and he pulled over into a carpark and was like i want to kiss you and i let him kiss me then he drove me home.. the worse part was he gave me his cold too :’)

How many fish have you owned in your lifetime, so far? Did they all die? we used to have nearly 100 fish in the pond in the garden but one day they all died except one so we called him lucky and took him to live in my grandad’s garden pond. I'm guessing he's dead now cause that was like 15 years ago

When do you think it’s the right age to pass away? when you're ready and when its your time to go

If you were to get drunk right now, how would you most likely act? i dont drink so i wouldn't get drunk

How many people have you kissed in your lifetime, so far? Who were they? just one, read answer to earlier question.

Are you going to post this on a social networking site after you take it? Tumblr

Is there something people in general do that bothers you a lot? Just existing

Has anything supernatural ever happened to you? What were these events? Nope

How many concerts have you seen so far in life? Were they good ones? a lot

Do you like doing anything your friends wouldn’t expect you to do? Yup

Can you sing very well or are you considerably tone deaf? im don't think I'm awful.. i can hold a tune i just don't have a voice that i like

When did you last make a survey? How many people took it so far? i dont make surveys

Would you ever consider becoming a scientist? Why would you or why not? Nope im not smart enough & science was my worst subject at school

Where is your favorite place to go when you’re feeling sad and alone? Tumblr

Have you ever had to call poison control while you were babysitting? Nope…

Do you ever look back on the past years and wish you could go back? a bit, just health wise

When is the next time you’ll talk to the cousin you’re closest to? not sure, were on snapchat quite a bit

Does it bother you when people constantly sign in on MSN? Or not so much? nope i dont use msn anymore

When was the last time you saw a bird? What kind of bird was this? i was watching a robin in the garden earlier

Have you ever seen someone getting beat up by lots of people at one time? yeah I've witnessed a few fights cause i live opposite a pub so we get a lot of drunk people walk past late on weekends and occasionally they have fights

Are you really into vintage things? Have you ever been into that stuff? i like the look of some vintage stuff but I'm not super into it

When was the last time you bought new sheets for your bed? bought myself some new festive bedding in november, so like 2 months ago

[becoming-bianca-blog]

Module 3: Identity is so confusing

Writing this blog post 3 weeks left in this semester, I am honestly SO proud of myself. I think I managed to do the impossible. Impossible, that’s how I would describe Module 3 :D (that’s a sarcastic smiley face, clearly I’m still recovering from that long test)

Often mentioning the theories of identity formation in Module 2, this module offered a more relational perspective on identity. Describing identity as also a product of socio-cultural factors including ones peer and parental relationships the and deepening this with 

This module was very relevant, especially in its discussion and dissection of gender stereotypes and the importance of consent and proper use of the internet, so even if I think I did not do well in my test I know that I learned something. 

The first topic was on identity development in family relationships. With this in mind, I will be constructing my own individuation timeline as well as posting a picture of me as a child and now not just to highlight how transient or alive identity is. 

Me as a child: 

Me now: 

From my choice of photos alone, you’ll see how much has changed. When I was a child, it was easy to think of my self as just an extension of my parents who needed to eat, walk, talk, go to school, and look cute. Now, it’s hard to think of myself without thinking of my family, my friends, my interests and more as I truly adapt different identities when I am with each of these. 

Next is my individuation timeline as seen below. 

In infancy, my parents saw me as their biggest responsibility and  they could not part from me especially as they had all the resources and means needed to keep me safe and alive. With that, I saw my parents as my sources of life and survival while I, on the other hand, had no coherent sense of self yet— just someone attached to my parents especially my mother. In toddlerhood, I experienced my first individuation. Here, I began to let go of my infantile attachments. I still saw my my parents as great sources of love, support, knowledge, and protection but I knew I did not need them to survive as I could feed myself, use the toilet by myself, and more. With that, I saw myself as the little angel of my parents who always made them happy and I think my parents saw me in that way too. Childhood was no different as I deeply idealised my parents, I saw them as my superheroes, my greatest sources of information, and wanted to be just like my dad. They saw me as their carbon copy often saying things like “just like mommy/daddy.” Thus, I saw myself as an extension of my parents who I needed to obey so I could be rewarded and be perfect just like them. Come adolescence, my second individuation began to unfold. At around 11 years old, I de-idealised my parents and no longer saw them as perfect. With that, I saw myself as unique not just from my parents but also from my siblings. I had different talents, different interests, and values from them so I think my parents were beginning to see me as an individual and not just their puppet. Lastly, as this individuation still continues I am now beginning to see my parents, specifically my mom, as my friend and myself as a work in progress. In terms of how my parents see me, I think my mom sees me as a friend too as she is not afraid to confide in me and I am able to see her vulnerabilities. Together, we talk about boys, school, the past, woes, failures, doubts— stuff I cannot talk to about with my dad, which my mom also says she cannot do sometimes. As my dad is less expressive, I think he still sees me as his baby but I still respect him even if I cannot see him as an equal yet. Thus from this exercise, I saw clearly that I am not my parents. In fact, a healthy parent-child relationship is one where the parent nurtures and supports the child into becoming his or her own person while still humbling them and reminding them to be good. With this in mind, I am willingly going to continue to reconnect and renew my relationship with my parents, talk to them more, and work towards equality so we can have even more meaningful and deep interactions. 

The next topic was on identity construction in peer relationships and digital spaces. With this being said, the best way for me to express all I have learned is through memes :> 

First, my friends. My friends are so important to me and I am so thankful to have them in my life as they never cease to put a smile on my face. Moving to a co-ed school in senior high, my group of friends expanded but I still kept my friends from Woodrose close to me. In these two settings, the common denominator about myself is that I’m the funny one in my friend group as well as the butt of the joke. My girl squad in Woodrose was full of intelligent and supportive girls, we often traded books, had deep conversations, and confided in each other about our doubts, pressures, and failures. They formed the part of my identity that is hardworking, introspective, and empathetic. In Beacon, I met new people who loosened me up a bit and introduced me to different kinds of fun like parties, spontaneous dinners, and odd conversations at Denny’s until 3 AM. There, I could goof around in class especially because of the boys who were always rowdy. With the girls, they introduced me to fashion, boy talk, makeup, and fun self care luxuries like getting a facial while still reminding me that I could be real with them and show sadness, fear, and guilt. They made me the online shopping addict today as well a go-to person for advice, ranting and a hug. They made me see that doing things that were conventionally girly did not mean you were conceited or an airhead and I have become an open-minded and less judgemental person because of them. Now, in college, I brought a lot of my high school friends with me. So these two crowds, the brains and the international school kids (we have all bonded over this) are who I still affiliate with. I have yet to find a new crowd here but I don’t think I would stray from each type of crowd as I do not really wanna step out of my comfort zone. To put this into words, here is a meme: 

With the first meme out of the way, I can proudly post these three low-budget but very accurate memes about my online and offline identity. 

Here, you practically hear me proclaim that I am somewhat of a comedian myself on Facebook where I share the FUNNIEST memes.

Here, I expose what a mess I am on another social media site. On twitter, I am either really really sad or really really ready to preach, be inspirational, and make a change. Nonetheless, my followers are my closest friends and they are endlessly supportive, ready to either cheer me on or cheer me up. Here, I’m more comfortable to reveal my vulnerabilities because my parents and relatives are not on it and I would hate for them to get worried about me. 

To sum this all up, here is a meme on my online vs offline identity:  

Online, I am more unrestrained, showing more of my cheeky and makulit personality, and vocal about a lot of things. Offline, I’m like a sponge that likes to observe, more refined and mahinhin. This describes the shy side of myself when in social situations so I’m thankful for social media as it gives me an avenue to share the side of myself that is loud and crazy but funny to watch. 

The last topic was on gender and sexuality. First, I was able to discover the different facets and faces of my gender through filling out the Genderbread Person. My worksheet is attached below: 

Easily, I can conclude that I am not either/or just like gender. Filling this out, I struggled in the element of gender expression. I suddenly remembered that when I was in Woodrose, my teachers always told me that I slouch like a man and sit like a man. Out of their eyesight, I would respond by assuming an even more male-like stance and I could not help it because I was comfortable that way. When I dress up, my expression depends on my mood. Sometimes I wanna be a girly girl and feel the swing of my dress when I walk and sometimes, I do not care at all and find it more comfortable to dress like a man- I even use my brothers clothes a lot, especially to sleep. These examples alone point to a very important understanding on gender and even sexual orientation  which is that there are truly infinite possibilities. Moreover, being one does not relate to being another so we cannot judge a person on simplistic norms such as how they express themselves. 

I recognize in myself that I am not just one or the other so with this, I know that I have the right to respect all even if society tells me different or I have a hard time understanding. In fact, gender shouldn’t even be something one dissects so much because it is so flexible and has many facets that are independent of eachother. I can even relate this understanding to sex and sexuality.  In gender,  we are conditioned to think that it is always either/or and this extends even to sexuality where as a woman you are either a virgin who is uptight or a slut who is cheap. In both situations, you cannot win and it is hard for me to believe that there are still some people that cannot accept that humans are so complicated and unfit to be reduced to 2 extremes. However, I cannot say that my views are perfect either. I have always adapted a broader view on sexuality, recognizing the plight of the LGBTQ+ community but even then I was scared to question if I was more male than female. In my mind, it was hard to imagine myself or allow myself to be more male-like because of my socialization. When it came to sex, this was even more skewed.  A touchy subject, I came from an Opus Dei exclusive for girls school so sex equaled taboo. Before this class, I never even had an in-depth discussion on sex that attacked all sides, especially one that dared to say that a womqns sexuality is not to be hidden, but instead explored. Before this class, I always succumbed to the women who have sex are sluts belief while still agreeing with the “men are trash” statement. How could I blame the male while clearly perpetrating the culture of victim blaming? Clearly, I had some internalized misogyny and cognitive dissonance that I was able to tap into with the discussion. I now see another side of it, which is that I have been conditioned and socialized to punish women and glorify men for sexual behaviour and expression. In its own nature, there is nothing wrong about and nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to sex. In fact, most of the bad things associated with sex come from a lack of awareness so I know now that it is important to ask the right questions. Such include: what birth control method is best, how to respond to the spread of private nude pics online, what is consent, how do I give consent and more. In terms of self-expression then, I can do whatever I want within the limits of my own comfort. If I think wearing shorts to school is but if I refuse to wear a lace bralette to a bar, that is fine too. It doesn’t mean that if other women do not express themselves, such as in the way they dress, the same way as I do that they are “sluts” or not worthy of the same respect. Simply, this just means we have different modes on self-expression and levels of comfort. 

With all of this being said, I was clearly able to explore the inner nuances of my identity given this module. Nearing the end of the semester, I am so exhausted but am going to try my best to power through it. I think this is the second to the last if not last blog post I have to write before passing the final project. I look forward to reading my past blog posts and see how far I’ve come (including the likely grammatical errors I’ve made as I never proofread these. again, I’m sorry) and if I’ve made any meaningful connections and observations about myself.