#so i couldnt test it out or anything idk it also had never done that befor elike im not even on T rn

[thetangibleghost]

someone on the live stream today asked if I come with the vacuum. I told him I would t fit in the box and he said he was getting two and I said Im a lot bigger that two vacuums. and if I'm being completely honest I love being flirted with plus there was another guy talking at the same time who actually bought a vacuum so that was pretty sick. HOWEVER. I am worried. stupidly.

[pumpkinsy0]

I have to get a 1450 on my SAT minimum to get a scholarship to pay for dorm which is expensive as shit. The first time I did it I got a 1330 cuz I was js trying it out. This time I got a 1320. My mom beat my ass for getting less than the first time. Idk how it happened cuz I aced the practice tests.

But anyways now she’s making me study everyday for 2 hours on weekdays and 5 hours on weekends. Which I’ll do cuz I need the score, but I’m not gonna not hang out w my friends for 2 whole months. So I’m js gonna sneak out

So anyways what r some hcs for ponyboy sneaking out when he gets grounded??

i hope u get those points and MORE anon u clearly deserve it, u smartypants, AND PLEASE STAY SAFE🙏🏽🙏🏽, shit id probably do the same im not hating on u for sneaking out, but pls b safe out there!!!!and make sure u treat urself while studying, never b to hard on urself,,,

ANYWAYYSSSS HCS, WOOO

•i dont think sneaking out is something pony has on his mind, like ever UNLESS he has someone else w him, sneaking out isnt something he just does on his own, say like curly would, if hes grounded and nobody wants to sneak him out or b w him, hes shit outta luck and staying in that house

•when he sneaks out, he has to do it when soda is ALSO out, bc im sorry, as much as soda will try to defend pony, he wouldnt just let him sneak out, especially at night, and pony already has a general idea of when everyone will b back at the house, hes not 100% dumb, give him props

•he DOES try that “pillows under sheets to make it look like im laying down” thing, mostly out of desperation, he knows it wouldnt work if darry looked into the room for like longer than 30 seconds, but usually darry just does a quick 5 second check and thats what its for

•lets b honest, his sneak out buddies r most likely curly and mark, mostly curly, he doesnt hang w mark a lot, and curly might b loud, but at least when he is and ponys sneaking out, its accidental, mark is just loud on purpose😭

•the curtis house has a fence so pony has to jump over that bc the gate to it is too creaky and i bet u my bottom dollar that hes ripped his pants jumping it at least once (curlys done the same)

•where pony goes is SO dependent on how long hes been grounded, if its a few days or a week, hes not going to the drive in or the places he frequents, bc he can survive for a bit without those places, but if its for weeks n such, yea hes going

•parties arent rlly this guys scene, BUT i could see him being pulled by curly or mark & co. to go to one, either that or they just, hang out w em outside not doing anything in particular, just cant stand being stuffed up

•he would never go too far, if he doesnt have a car to drive him back or his house isnt in waking distance, just count him out, hes not risking darry finding out he dipped

•i just know he uses him not wanting darry to find out as his reasoning for wanting to go back home early but its also bc he just wants to lay back down in his bed again and IS pretty scared of darry finding out, hes so real for that

•honest to god wouldnt surprise me if hes locked himself out on accident once and couldnt get back in through his window and had to go through the back door, YES the front door is always unlocked but its also creaky as hell unlike the back one, if darry asks what the hell hes doin up, pony just says he thought he heard something

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

i just accidentally found an aphobe’s discourse blog and kinda doomscrolled through all their posts and reblogs because i was curious and couldnt stop myself and now i just want to go back into the closet with my labels, throw the closet into the ocean and pretend i’ve never had any thoughts about anything at all.

that person specifically also had that thing where they “support” some aros and aces but not all of them, and it just sucks more because it’d be easier to deal with if they were just a flatout mean aphobe, but they pretend to care and they come from this “think about it logically, i’m only being reasonable” angle and it just leaves such a bad, bad taste in my mouth. it hurt to see that those posts had thousands of notes too. plus the fact that they were LGBT too, it just feels like nobody’s safe for aros and aces.

it really got me down and i’m not the only one who’s affected like this right? idk i feel like i need reassurance, something to say not everyone’s so against aros and aces, and that i’m not the only one who feels so isolated.

(also i wish the block button did more, because yes i can block someone but that’s only after reading their bad takes, how do i block that from my memory 😭😭)

Yeah you're not the only one with these kinds of feelings when you come across this stuff. And it's very deliberate what they do and the point is to cause hurt.

I definitely watched this movement pretty closely while it was at its peak on Tumblr (against better judgment), and as much as they play up the 'I'm just a rational human being having rational takes', the moment someone explained the flaws in their logic they were pretty quick to reveal they were just trolls and start replying with nonsense.

The 'I support some aces and aros' is generally bullshit too. Conditional support isn't support, and by support they meant 'I don't hate some of them if they fit my narrow definition for what I think they're allowed to be' not 'I've ever done anything to support this community'.

There's a reason the ace exclusionist "discourse" has mostly petered out on Tumblr though, and just pushed into a few small pockets, and it is because they started getting enough pushback it was easier to either move on to a new target or move to a new site where it was easier to spread hate than stay here. And a lot of that pushback came from the greater lgbtqia community who caught up to their tactics and didn't want it. Gatekeeping like what they do hurts all lgbtqia people, not just their current target, and most groups and organizations want nothing to do with these people.

If an lgbtqia group is tolerant of gatekeepers or not is also a great litmus test to see if it's a safe community (and most do not tolerate it at all).

It can be a trip going through one of their blogs though, especially the way they distort reality and say things in the cruelest ways they can. I definitely recommend just completely avoiding those blogs if you can.

So hopefully this helps you feel better. All the best, and take care!

[seaquestions]

i have like. aimlessly monologued so much abt dark souls just pacing around my apartment. its 5am and i just cant shut up about it. LIKE. i knooowww that people have been going on about it for like eleven years now and im sure none of these thoughts are original but i wanna ramble!!! ramblings under readmore!!!!

this game is good man, its so good. the tone and atmosphere most of all. i think cos its y’know its melancholic and quiet and lonely but it’s also so whimsical and funny and silly. i find a man in the sewers trapped in a pickling jar and roll into it to get him out. when i talk to him later i find that he’s this really genuine, kind-hearted guy. i roll into this fortress full of death traps and a snake man turns to look at me and then suddenly a boulder comes outta nowhere to run over him and it’s like i’m in a goddamn looney toon. the colour palettes of the environments is quite colourful actually, it’s within a certain range of tones but it’s not like it’s a depressing game to look at. it’s not that bleak. it’s not grimdark, it’s not edgy. it’s fun!

like, really. it’s such a fun game! i already knew i was gonna love the world of dark souls, the environments and the npcs, i just needed the gameplay to be something i can work with. and it is, and even more than that, it clicked with me. somehow i didn’t expect the combat in dark souls to be so fun, but like, that’s a big draw of the game. it’s very fun to fight in dark souls. there’s something to it that just feels really good. i think the enemy placement factors into the rhythm of combat quite a fair bit actually, and it’s typically well done. and i think another thing that’s great is how much control you have over the pace of combat. there’s a push and pull with the game as it throws challenges at you and tests your limits of course but you get to dictate quite a fair bit about the way you face these challenges.

something i enjoyed the most i think is like, not even within the game. so like after fighting the taurus demon and the gaping dragon for the first few times and dying, i ended my gaming session and like. couldnt stop thinking abt the fight and ended up thinking about what to do next time i fought them. which ik is nothing but i’m a really simple guy okay, i don’t strategise usually. but i wanted to beat them and move on to the next parts of the game, and so it made me think about the tools that were at my disposal that the game gave me and like - i think that’s great! successful game design bit. idk, it’s prolly not that big of a deal but it felt really good when i went back to the gaping dragon with A Plan, and executed on it flawlessly.

man.. ive just been having a lot of fun that i kinda didn’t ever expect to have. im feeling like i fell in love. like i thought it’d be impossible for me so i never played it but it turned out to be such an enjoyable experience so far. i dont even care if like…. i come across and bit thats too hard and i might give up forever i still had a lot of fun and it was worth it but i believe in myself man!!! i wanna finish this game forreal and that means a lot coming from a guy who like never finishes anything ever. ima just keep on trucking babey. if you die seven times and get up eight it’s not a matter of life and death its about your will and the barriers in front of you and whichever one will break first or uhhhh however that line from that vaatividya video goes. and like it’s not for everybody (there’s uhhh no map. i thankfully am good with creating mental maps but if you are not this game will be a much less fun time) but idk man……….ultimate game of all time is fuckin right actually…………. anyway………. im a changed man now……..gootbye……

[anne-white-star]

Brian may x reader x roger taylor : holiday disaster

Notes : brian roger and reader are on a holliday near the sea swimming and relaxing. But the calm and peacefull holiday turns to one of worry when reader almost drowns because of a big wave crashing in to her. Takes place during the mid 80s. There might be inacuresies like distance and locations.

Sorry if its a mess but enjoy anyway, also don't mind any spelling mistakes thank you

Words: 2286

Warings : angst and drowning

Finaly summer and you know what that means. Nice weather, staying up late listening to music. And just playing around in general, but summer also ment swimming of course.

Y/n had invited Brian and roger along to go to the beach. John had gone away with his wife on holyday while Freddie stayed at home with his boyfriend jim.

She stood outside freddie's house where they spent the night prior and beeped the horn of her car.

Freddie opend up the window "Oh y/n are you here to pick up roger and Brian?"

"Yes i am we are suposed to go to the beach, could you sent them down?"

"Yeah sure, hey! Your taxi is here you better hurry up And don't keep the lady waiting! They are on their way" he smiled

"Thanks Fred, if i find some Nice shels i take them with me for you"

"Thank you y/n you are an absolute sweetheart" he blew her a kiss. At that moment both Brian and roger walked out the front door and placed their stuff in the back of the car. "Ah there They are".

Jim stood behind Freddie and waved "have fun you three and stay safe near the shore, they said that the waves could be quite high at this time of year".

"Don't worry we will be fine"

"Alright have fun" jim and Freddie closed the window.

"Hey boys" she grind and opend the pasenger side door. Brian sat down next to her.

"Hello y/n"

"Hello doll" said roger as he sat down behind her and kissed her cheek "Nice car"

"Thanks Roger it was my dad's car i got it for my birthday a year ago

"Oh Nice do you know what type it is?"

"If im correct its a Tri-Power… 1958 Bonneville convertible" she started the car and drove of towards the beach (idk where the beach is located but lets pretent its 30 minuts away or so)

"Oh verry Nice indeed" he said and placed his sunglasses on his face And leaned back against the Seat.

"So did you two have a good night at Fred his home?"

This time Brian spoke up "yeah it was alright we watched some telly and drank and eat some Nice food thats all."

"Hmm intresting you two wernt intruding to fred and jim their relation ship wernt you two?"

"Oh god no y/n"

"Just joking bri just joking" she laught, y/n focused on the road again "we will be there in 10 minuts i think"

"Yes finaly swimming"

"Calm down roger" Brian laught

Just as y/n had promiced they had arived in 10 minuts at the beach "We have arived". Roger jumped over the side of the car and grabed the beach ball and placed it in the sand. He pulled his shirt and pants off under it weren his swimming trunks. Brian and y/n did the same. (What you Brian and roger wear )

"Nice shorts guys" she huged Brian from behind

"Looking very Nice yourself princess"

"Why thank you" she plucked the sunglasss from roger his face and put them on "oh wow thats to mutch"

Roger grabed his glases from her hands and put them back on "that are my presciption sunglasses sweetheart"

"I should have known, Anyway lets go and play some beach vollyball"

"Alright who against who?"

"Um me against roger first and then you against roger and then me against you, how does that sound?"

"Sure sounds good, i'll keep the points"

"Alright" y/n nodded and waited thil roger was ready "you are going so down blondie"

"Ha! You think (your nickname)"

"Alright start" y/n trew up the ball and shot it over the net. It went a few times and then she shot it to the ground.

"Outch"

"Roger are you alright?"

"Yeah i am don't worry" he smiled. Once the game between y/n and roger was over she won with 5 against 3.

"Alright your turn brian" brian took her place and took his stand. "Ready?"

"Yep" he nodded

"Alright may the best win"

"Its on poodle"

"Hey! Oh you are so going to get it rog" he smirked

The boys played for about 6 minuts thill it was over. It was 4 against 4.

"Alright who makes the next point wins" they both noded, Brian threw up the ball over the net. It went over and over for about 1 minut. Roger won

"Yes!"

"Well done rog, now you and me bri" they both took their stands once again and started the game. Once again 6 minuts later the game was over Brian had won by 5 against 3

"Good game y/n" he smiled

"Thanks" she wiped her face with a towel "Man its really hot ugh"

"Want to go swimming?"

Y/n took off her hat and placed it in her car "Yes i would love to" they all walked to the sea. "Cold cold cold"

Both Brian and roger laughed "yeah no shit y/n"

"Shut up rog" she laughed and splased him

"Hey! My hair, you are going to pay"

"Then you have to get me first." She ran further in to the water

"Be carefull the waves can be quite high" but y/n and roger dint hear him "guys come back don't go to far!"

Y/n had gone in thil her shoulders "try to get me now roger!"

"Roger she really needs to come back" Brian looked concerned

"Y/n! Come back its not save!"

"What?!" All of a sudden a big shadow fell over her, a big wave crashed in to her taking her under.

"Y/n!!" Both roger and Brian screamed as they tried to get to her

Y/n tried to swim up but couldnt wave after wave crashed in on her. She tried to breath but instead she took a big gulp of water in. Y/n was panicking and couldnt breath. She thought of brian and roger how she was going to leave them behind now. Y/n let go of her last breath as the sank to the bottom.

Roger and brian swam to her once they reached her, roger went under and picked her out the water. Both Brian and roger got back to the shore "brian go get help i try cpr we need a ambulance" Brian nodded and ran to get help

"God y/n please don't die on us" roger was literaly crying while trying to push the life back in to her chest. He pinched her nose close and put mouth to mouth "come on! You can't do this to us" all the while he continued to give her cpr.

The sound of sirens filled the air as the ambulance came to a hald on the beach two paremedics climbed out. At the same time Brian ran back to roger "is she alright?!"

"No i still don't have a respond" roger was crying But still preforming cpr

"We will take it from here sir" both the paremedics placed her on the brancard and started to weel her fast to the ambulance

"Can we come with you please?"

"If you drive after us then its fine but we can't take you with us in the ambulance

"Thank you" roger looked up "brian you need to drive i can't"

"Alright, but calm down now roger she's in good hands" Brian huged roger close and rubbed his back "im concerned to but y/n is one tough cookie"

Roger laught a bit " yeah she is..... we should go now" they both walked to the car Brian put the key in and turned it so they went after the ambulance. Once they arived they weeled her in to a hospital room.

In the back of the ambulance they were able to pump the water out of her lungs and get her to breath again, she wasn't conciouse but it was a good sign or so they hope.

Roger and Brian had to wait outside the room where y/n lay because they were doing some tests on her, so they decided to call John and Freddie

"Hello John deacon speaking"

"Hey John its me"

"Oh hey Brian hows everything?"

"It really could be better, we are at the hospital"

John sat up straight "hospital? Why whats wrong?"

"Its Y/n she almost drowned" it was silence on the other end "john?"

"Im on my way right now" and the phone hang up

He turned to roger "john is on his way can you call Freddie?"

"Sure" roger grabed the phone from Brian his hand and dialed Freddie his number

It rang a few times thill he picked up "with freddie Mercury how can i help you?"

"Oh fred thank god you are still home"

"You sound panicked roger whats wrong?"

"We are in the hospital, we were at the beach and we were messing around but y/n almost drowned because of our stuppid antics and..... we almost lost her"

As same with John, roger was met by silence "me and jim are on our way"

"Thanks you see you then"

About 20 minuts later john, Freddie and jim had arived at the hospital, they were waiting for the doctor to give a clear sign so that they could go in and see her.

A doctor walked in to the waiting room "wel we have good news and bad news, the good news is we managed to get all the water out of her lungs and she's breathing on her own, the bad news is that she's still unconsiouse"

"Oh thank goodness" brian placed a hand over his heart

"We did a couple of tests to see if there was anything ells like damege to the lungs but thats not the case, once she wakes up And taken care off she can go home"

"Thank you doctor, may we please see her?"

"Of course, if there is anything needed let us know"

"Thank you we will" the group walked in to the room, it was pretty light in there, it looked like they had walked in to heaven, John and Brian grabed a chair and sat down next to the bed while roger, Jim and freddie sat down at the table near the window.

"We should never have gone to the beach, this is all my fault"

"Roger don't be to harsh on yourself, it could have happend to anyone" Freddie placed his hand on Roger his shoulder

"But im the idiot who chased her in, im at fault"

Brian spoke up "rog it really isnt we all should have been more carefull, but like the doctor said everything will be alright, she just needs to wake up, and she will we just got to wait"

"Mabey you are right" he sighed and placed his hand under his chin and looked out the window.

A few hours had gone by without any indecation of her yet waking up, so they decided to leave and get some food, during the time they were gone y/n started to stire and wake up

"Ugh were am i? Why does my chest hurt so mutch" y/n blinked a few times against the light "this isnt my bedroom" she tried to sit up but couldnt because of the pain, plastic patches were put on her chest that were conected to the heart monitor she looked at them confused "what the hell happend?" Then y/n remembered, the beach, vollyball and roger chasing her and then the wave...."Oh god i almost drowned"

Then the door opend And the guys walked in with food and drinks, Brian looked up from the conversation "y/n you are awake!" He ran to her side and grabed her hand in his "we were so worried about you"

"Hey bri" She smiled softly "im sorry for worrying you all i dint mean for this to happen"

Roger stoot at the otherside of the bed and grabed her other hand "i shouldnt have chased you in to the water it was dangerous and i was so stuppid for doing so it almost got you killed"

"I know rog and im sorry to i should have watched out What i was doing" she squeezed their hands and gave a light kiss on them

John, jim and Freddie watched as they gave echoter their apolgies, and then the doctor walked in "ah miss y/l/n good to see that you are awake" he looked at the papers in his hand "everything seems to be in oder, do your lungs hurt?"

"A tiny bit but i asume it will go away in a few days"

"Yes it wil" he gave a smile "wel then if everything is alright and nothing hurts then you may go home"

"Really? Oh thats wonderfull thank you" then she looked down at her chest and pointed at patches that were still in its place "um about these"

"Oh don't worry a nurse will come soon and remove them for you"

"Alright thank you". About 10 minuts later the nurse came in to remove the patches, john freddie and jim had brought some clothes with them on their way to the hospital, once she got dressed they went on their way to go home "are you willing to drive Brian?"

"Yes of course i am, anything for you y/n". Roger went again with Brian and y/n while Jim and Freddie went with john.

"Wel see you all later i think its time for a lazy afternoon" said y/n as she waved them goodbye. Both roger and Brian stayed the night with her to make sure that everything would be going fine now. They promiced echoter that of they would go to the beach again one day that they would be more carefull.

The end

I hope you all enjoyed reading. ♥️♥️♥️

[mithliya]

hi. you dont have to reply to this ask if you dont want to or if you do you can make it public Idm. also I dont mean to trauma dump so pls just delete this because tbh its too much. tl;dr at start Im starting to doubt my sexuality despite being in late 20s. also, tw sex, rape, csa, cocsa, etc. so, I've always known I kinda like girls and that Im more likely bi than straight. I was in love with one during highschool and I felt intense sexual attraction towards a close friend in uni. I was p far left back then so I thought this must be that demisexual thing where you only feel attraction once you get to know people LMAO. then I had some crushes on guys here and there, was virgin till 24 and then slept around way too much with guys. never had experience with a woman. now Im in proper relationship with a really nice guy. recently I started watching a show and identifies way too much with a lesbian character. like from how she acts to what she says regarding women she feels attracted to. I havent been able to sleep for past two nights and Im starting to wonder if I even feel attracted to him.

until we recently moved in together we had sex. a lot. but I had a meltdown because of past sexual trauma, all the sleeping around because of other reasons than wanting to have sex, (loneliness, low self esteem) csa and cocsa at hands of female relatives, so that also confuses me. we havent had regular sex, maybe once in a month. and last time I was hoping it to end soon and just waited it out. I dont blame my bf, hes never done anything wrong, and I was the one who told him to keep going. ofc I had told him Im bi but now Im so unsure if about what even attraction means. I honestly never felt that intense attraction towards a guy, ever. Ive felt that with several women, like random passerbyers and such. some women I couldnt take eyes off of and had to just move along because I felt like a creep (which also factors in me not wanting to look at women In That Way because thats how men look at women and its just hella confusing as a fellow woman who doesnt want to objectified by men either) Idk how much Im convincing myself I love men and society has brainwashed me. Idk what Im wishing to get out of this, Im just stressed I dont love my bf in That Way and this is just platonic love, that Ive convinced myself into doing even stuff like kissing and hugging because Thats What Im Supposed To Do.

anyway, thank you if you read it so far, thank you for your time. I would really like some advice if you have any but you also dont have to if you dont want to. btw I love your blog and if you cant tell I follow you on here. keep up the good work. <3 I hope you have a nice day!

aww that really sounds stressful and like a difficult situation anon :( honestly i think many lesbian & bi women go through some moments of doubt and confusion at least at one point in our lives so you’re not alone there. tbh i would encourage talking your feelings out with someone who knows you well and someone you trust, they can help give you perspective. sometimes we identify with something a lot that it can confuse us in many ways. and if possible, maybe experiment with women? it’s kinda hard to understand your attraction when it’s kinda just .. abstract?

to me it sounds like you may indeed be bi & maybe cycling (bi cycle) or perhaps you have a strong preference and are just realising it. however, i can’t determine your sexuality for u as i do not know you. this is why id recommend experimenting but of course you should be transparent with everyone involved (your boyfriend- idk whether you’d ask him if it’s possible to be open or something else, and whichever woman you experiment with). i overthink and doubt myself a lot and actually being with a woman definitely helped me. pushing myself to be with men to “test” whether im into them was personally highly traumatic for me so if someone thinks they’re a lesbian but has never been with a man & isn’t sure if they’re into it… id highly recommend NOT trying. getting clarity faster will never be better than not pushing your own boundaries and risking traumatising yourself. to me it sounds like you really need to be single right now and just explore yourself and try being with a woman and see how you feel from there. there’s also no shame in being unsure and not labelling your sexuality either.

also facing previous trauma like CSA especially can really make it hard to understand your sexuality, from my experience most bi & lesbian women who go through such intense confusion and identity disturbances like what u described have faced CSA too.. so you really aren’t alone there ❤️❤️ i wish you luck anon. you’ll figure it out you just need to give urself space and time

[sydneyshipsstuff]

so uh last night at like 4 am i couldnt sleep, decided to walk my dog, and came up with this bad boy. It’s a rough draft, though. um @professional-benaddict read it and told me to post it, so whatever rafni says goes. 

-Little! Peter with like everyone lmao (platonically), but main pairing is Tony x Peter. everyone is 18+ and Littles are known. but yeah, I call this “uncanonically Canon AU” because it follows canon character tropes (except Peter).

----------------

so i LOVE the doctor trope w stephen and tony to death, like probably a lil too much, but hear me out

--canon tony and the avengers with not canon (aka powerless) little peter

--im thinking how they met is before peter became classified as a little, he was smart smart. so, he still gets the internship, but a real one this time.

--hes hanging out with the other interns when he feels himself regress. he freaks and goes to hide in a bathroom or something

--he runs into (probably pepper??) someone and they help him get out of the tower because he's obviously very vulnerable

--they (pepper?) take him to the hospital to get tested and find out hes a high care little. once they find out peter freaks out because omg he cant work like this

--(pepper?) assures him that they will figure it our, but with no CG, and just for plot sake, he also is living alone at this point so they dont feel comfortable sending him home, so he stays overnight, at least, in the hospital

--(pepper?) goes to talk to tony himself about this since hes the one who chose and hired the interns. tony isnt quite sure what to do because peter is one of the best in their group

--(pepper?) suggests that he go have a one on one talk with peter and see what the boy wants to do with his future, and also meet with the doctors to see what they think is best for his future

--now, tony has met peter a few times, and the kid is pretty cool, but he never really cared about him (harsh, but canon tony is pretty reserved so yuh) so, when he goes into the hospital room to talk with him, hes mentally preparing to never see peter again

--but, when he walks in, he sees peter sat on a cot carefully coloring in an avengers coloring book, and his entire aura is different and /adorable/

--as if he wasnt already kinda done for, when peter notices he's there, he looks up, eyes blown wide and a kid-like face on full of awe

--he sits on the end of the bed and they simply stare at each other before peter finally gets the courage to ask why tony is there, stuttering through it like an adorable mess

--tony freaks out, because as good as peter is, he planned on letting peter down, but now that hes here, all he wants is to see the boy.

--instead he smooths his nervousness and easily asks about how the boy is doing. he asks if peter has a CG, and predicably, peter just sadly shakes his head

--anyways i dont really know how this part would be worded, and it probably wouldnt happen in just one day, but eventually tony asks peter if he wants tony to take care of him

--peter is a cutie and accepts, again dont really have this part planned out, im akward when it comes to writing about the adopting of a little

--he goes with tony and since he lives in the tower, he also gets the avengers as glorified CGs. now this is the part i LOVE

***added part by Rafni:

"I’d imagine that Peter would just be kept in the hospital, like he doesn’t need any meds nor saline so he doesn’t even have a drip nor is he hooked up to any monitors. He is just there in the hospital pyjamas colouring and waiting for someone to take care of him🥺👀"

And since there’s no medical concerns (anymore) the nurses would have more time to just chat with Peter and make sure he is like mentally taken care of 🌸🌸

---

tony stark- he's obviously the main man and does all the main caring. hes the one who sleeps with peter and makes sure he gets food, and plans the days. he also sometimes will hand make little gadgets (safe ofc) to occupy peter. he gets peter little engineering/inventing kits and will hold back any groans he has as peter hits his leg with a plastic hammer and screwdriver. he also is the one who is ALWAYS there, when he cries, when he's happy, when he's sad.

thor- he lets peter play with his hair, and even lets the boy snuggle, and sometimes even chew on, mjolnir (because of course peter would be worthy)

steve rogers- he lets peter look at and hold the shield. one day he finds the boy curled like a cat dosing on the inside of it

natasha- she speaks in russian to him, and when he goes outside to the park, shes there making sure no one disturbs him

wanda+sam (i had an idea for them when i originally thought of this, but i cant remember it now :/)

bucky- he lets peter also mess with his hair, although more rare than thor, but he does let peter suck on his metal fingers when hes really small, and will scratch peters scalp with it, the metal scratching much better than normal skin. also if he ever gets a fever, the cold of the arm feels amazing on his forehead

bruce- not strictly canon since hes more sciency than doctor, but i imagine bruce is the one who does checkups and takes care of the meds when peter is sick

stephen- he doesnt do it often, plus he's not at the tower much, but hell do little harmless "magic" tricks to excite Peter and when peter gets grumpy, stephen will give him a little stress spell thing to calm peter down

peter quill- i imagine hes the one who is down to do lots of fun stuff, but is also the most reckless towards the actions suited towards littles, getting a lot of scolding from tony. also, he has great taste in music, so when peter has bursts of energy, he'll bounce around the room dancing to old 80s music

rocket- hes the closest peters ever gonna get to a pet, and with lots of bribing from tony, rocket /occasionally/ lets peter pet him and feed him "treats", sometimes peter will ask rocket to do a trick like jump or spin, but rocket with always decline...at first. peters trademark pouts do the trick because either rocket will concede and hurt his pride, or tony will see and threaten rocket into making his little boy happy. its always worth it to see the happy little squirms and claps

gamora- she's the resident story teller. when its bedtime, she'll share her cool space stories, leaving out the gory/scarier aspects. it always does the trick as hes out in minutes. sometimes hell catch her and peter q engaging in loving activities (ie kissing, hugging, whatever), and he'll just giggle away, and as embarrassed as gamora gets, not being an openly affectionate person, she might just go to the extreme to hear the cute giggles out of the little boy

clint- hes pretty chill with peter. he also likes to play games with the boy, playing things like peek-a-boo when he's super small, or playing darts when he feels older. tony isnt /too/ happy about it, but its better than quill so he doesnt say anything.

pepper is there too because i love the idea of tony working away somewhere and pepper calling peter in, handing him a few sheets of paper, sometimes actual documents, sometimes just scratch paper to entertaim the boy, before asking peter to deliver them to tony. she always has a smile when peter eagerly nods with his whole body before running to the office to give tony the papers. it almost always ends with peter in his lap, but it /always/ ends in tony praising him, saying something along the lines of 'theres my little helper boy. look at you'

---

--on any particular day peter wakes up aged up, he doesn't even miss his old internship because this life is so much better, although on these days tony actually lets him help with some safer stuff in the lab with him

--also, they are still the avengers and still have to save the universe. tony leaves him in the care of Happy or Pepper, trusting them both to handle him. sometimes, it ends in disaster. sometimes, they are lucky enough to find happy laying on the couch, with a drooling little boy soaking his suit

--no matter how things end up, it never gets old being able to come home and cuddle up with the reason tony wants to save the universe.

--its no surprise peter is able to help the man just as much as tony helps him. tony stops locking himself up so late at night so he can put peter to bed and cuddle up. he stops drinking when he's stressed, instead finding his boy and reading a story to him. his hookups end, he wants to be there for peter all the time. he gets more work done, the added bonus of having a pretty little boy in his lap helping keep his mind on track.

--tony still has his canon issues, but having peter there makes everything a little more manageable. and when he eventually gets too old to be ironman, its okay, because his universe is lying in bed, a red pacifier in his mouth, and a family of superheroes softly arguing about who the boy loves most

--and despite tony being a narcissist, he knows this is not that, when he thinks that without a doubt he is peters favorite. after all, peter helped him see the good inside the bad

---

so uh yeah thats all i had to say. maybe in the future it will become an actual thing, idk. i still have so many projects im working on first. feel free to add whatever you want to it though !!

[queer-as-frikc]

My coming out story is weird, it gets a lil transphobic so tw near the end tw long post too

So, pretty much throughout my time growing up through elementary school and half of middle school, i grew up in a white middle class area. I didnt know about the LGBTQ+ or anything other than what I saw, which was white people and an occasional poc. Eventually I had to move and I ended up in a super diverse area, and ended up becoming best friends with this person (they are ftm now so imma use the right pronouns but they were f when this story mostly takes place) he told me all about things I didnt know, specifically the LGBTQ+ community and that he was pan, and it was new information so just like any 13 year old learning new things, I questioned myself, I questioned if I could like the same sex or not or possibly more.

Sadly, drama happened between my best friend, his girlfriend and I, so thing got a little weird. But there was a time in winter, when he was off that relationship for more than a month and he said he'd like to date me, and I really thought about it before hand and said yeah, I couldnt tell you how happy I was to have this experience.

I told my mom that night, in a round about way cuz I was nervous, "Hey mom, what if I liked girls?" She told me she doesnt think that I do, because I always expressed feelings for guys, and when I tell her I didnt really understand what being gay was when I was younger, I didn't really know it was a possibility. She snapped at me and said, "Unless you are willing to kiss a girl and do the other stuff, you arent gay at all."

Eventually I have a sit down conversation with her, about how confusing this all was and how I wish I knew how I felt, and so on. She said she had a similar questioning phase but it never stuck so she doesnt think I am.

Like a month later I figure it out and dude that was so gratifying. I came out as bi to my mom, who just dismissed the whole thing, but I was terrified to tell my uncle (it's a long story about that, no it's not "sweet home Alabama") because he always said bi's were wh*res so yeah. I ended up telling him, and he goes, "You know my opinion on it but that doesnt mean that I'll disown you or anything." Btw the relationship (dating wise) with my best friend after he came out as ftm because he went back to his ex, it's all cool tho.

So that was that, or so I thought. It was my first year of high school, and I finally really understood the definition of pan, what was holding me back though was the trans experience, I thought because I didnt know what it was like, I couldnt be pan, even though I didnt have a preference, turns out it just means you like people no matter their gender and it like, clicked finally so yeah. I've told my family about that since but I a similar reaction: my mom said she doesnt think I am and she lectured me on my generation having so many labels and how she hated it. My uncle said he appreciated that I was pan more than me being bi which confused me but he just had a better view of pansexual than bisexual. (I explained to both of them what the difference was but idk man)

I believe it was my second year of high school when I really started to question my gender, and that was mostly because I saw a video of what gender dysphoria looks like if it's not that strong and you arent aware for ftm. So like wearing bagging clothes all the time, always wearing sports bras, and practically no other bra, feeling really good if someone accidentally calls you sir, etc. And I was like, oml it's me. But it wasnt, I didnt find that out until later tho. So, with my friend group, I find a name that seems to fit me well and ask them to address me by it and he/him pronouns, as like a test of sorts. (All of my friends are gay in some way so it was cool) In the end tho, I got a little iffy about the whole thing and wouldnt ever correct them at times or it was just off for me. I felt really bad because I thought that they might have thought that I was just trying to force myself to be more like them, but I wasnt, i still felt bad though and kinda dropped it.

I'm not sure 100% how I figured it out tho, but I remember talking to my best friend (not the same one from middle school, they were my best friend as well but they arent the same person) about the whole experience and I believe they brought up the idea of genderfulid, and I was like :0.... what that. They explain it, you go aall over the gender spectrum, some days you might feel like a boy, others you might feel like you have no gender, some days you might feel like your gender is something completely weird and different, that's just what it is. And I was like, "It fits but like, I barely feel femme at any point in time, maybe like once a year." And they tell me, that's ok and stuff as long as my gender just decides to be a completely weird and went all over the place, it counted, so I was like, "I finally figured it out!!!" And i was so happy.

Then came the time I was comfortable enough to tell my parents. I had been using the label genderfuild for over half a year already and I thought that it was what I was so it was ok to tell them. I saw how ok me being gay went, so I was nervous but not as nervous as I should have been, probably. I told my mom first, she went on a similar rant of her no liking my generations labels and such, but it went fine, I explained it, I thought I was through, I thought I was fine, apparently not. One day I'm in the shower and I hear my mom being very expressive with what ever shes talking about to my uncle, which is fine, she needs someone to vent to sometimes. When I get out though, and I can here her clearly, I hear sees complaining about what I told her recently, that I'm genderfulid, but instead of saying that, she only says I want to be a boy. (Oh no) So shes complaining to him, asking why I cant be more like her and just be a masculine girl and be fine, why do I have to fit in with the crowd of my generation to feel special, why cant I just be fine with who I am now? Etc.

The sad thing is, that night, I was going out shopping for pants and underwear with my uncle because I needed some and I wore men's pants already at that point, because they are more durable, and stuff so I knew it was gonna be a long ride. My mom was snippy with me that whole night, just the entire time which sucked.

When we finally left to go get clothes though, I didnt know it could get worse. My uncle lectured me about how that's just my generations fad, and how his was making tattoos and piercings ok in the work place and mine is being trans a gay and all that crap, and that I'm just trying to fit in, I'm not being myself, no matter how much I chop myself up and cut my hair and take hormones my chromosomes will never change and so I can never be an actual guy. He also said that I would bring just more attention to myself being a woman who does guy things rather than try and be one, and he thinks I'm doing this all for attention. I was mad but silent at this point, I didnt want to cause anything to happen. He ended up asking me, "So did you pick a different name?" I was surprised but I said yeah, and my friends were using it and it seemed to fit better. He asked me what it was and fear over took my body. I told him, "I'll only tell you if you dont use it against me if your mad." He says, "i cant promise that." And then gets mad because I wont tell him. Though I do, because I feel obligated since hes buying me clothes. To be even more confusing, he buys me guys underwear, and undershirts along with the predetermined pants he promised me and now I'm so confused.

But it gets even worse. When we get home, my mom freaks out on him because be bought me all that mens stuff and she said he was encouraging my behavior and stuff, he defended with it's just clothes, and yah it is. Eventually things settle down, obviously my mom isnt talking to be, but that's for the best at this point. I'm in the living room with my uncle and he just then starts harassing me with questions like, how do you know? he asks. "Well, I just feel that way, same as you." I say. But why do you wanna be a guy? he asks. "I dont wanna be a guy, it's just weird that way. Also it's not me being a guy, it me being many more than that," I say. He says that's bullsh*t. I offer to show him videos that better explain what trans is and how it's an actual sciencey thing and stuff but he said he wont take a video because he wants me to say it. And then he just goes off, saying the name I picked out shows how self centered I am because I am selfish, he kept asking me if i liked to fight, to catch and play with bugs, to be strong, to be angry all the time, and all these stereotypes for men and I just left, and went to bed. He wasnt going to listen to me, so there wasnt a point to me staying.

But, it gets worse. The morning comes and I'm awoken by the slam of my door by my uncle and the laughter of my mom. My uncle starts being really aggressive and starts cleaning my room, I only have clothes on the floor mostly so that's all it was, but he starts saying, well if you're gonna be a man, imma start training you like one, the man of the house picks up after everyone, the man of the house does everything he can to help the house run smoothly, the man of the house has to be strong, and all that stuff. (Which I thought was funny because he was "the man of the house" yet I did everything, and still do. I clean up most after him, funny huh.) And, I know what's happening and so I stay in bed, I don't want this to happen. But I literally get ripped out of my bed by my uncle and get told to stop being a little b*tch and a brat because I'm being selfish by my mom and I'm yelled at to sit in the living room and wait while my uncle cleans my room. When hes done hes starts lecturing me and being all aggressive and in my face. He keeps asking me a million questions with the tone that he didnt care so I knew he wouldn't listen. Eventually, him and my mom leave, I'm told to stay there until I get back. When they do get back, they act like everything is fine, nothing happened between them and I and it's just been so hard for me to talk to them about that since.

I'm greatful that I dont have to deal with that anymore but every time something that that is brought up with my family, I panic so much now. I'm fine and I'm safe but it was very traumatic for me. And uh, thanks for listening.

hey, thank you so much for sharing your story. this was just. so heartbreaking. noone deserves to have a person like your uncle in their life. im so sorry you had to go through all of that. i hope you’re in a much better place now <3 (also i loveeddd reading about how you figured it out) =)

again, tysm <3

[mrfutureboy]

I would like to know when you started drawing and where your passion for fanart started 😊

Oh FUCK dude i did not see this i’m so fucking sorry this is so late 😭 damn you, tumblr, for not fucking notifying me!! Anyway buckle up this is gonna be much longer than you asked for <3

Honestly ive kinda been drawing all my life! I hope that doesnt sound dumb cuz obviously almost everyone drew pictures when they were kids, but i know that it’s been a consistent hobby for me since i was little. By the time i was in 3rd grade I was hoarding notebooks to draw in. Cuz that’s something fun about me: i had a real huge habit of drawing in things that werent sketchbooks. Through middle school and beyond I did buy/receive sketchbooks, but I started out with various kinds of notebooks. One I had from like 2nd grade was like a hardcover, stationary-type notebook that I drew cats in lol, and I have 2 velvet lisa frank notebooks from 3rd grade. In high school and college I had a really bad habit of drawing in the margins on my notes and on handouts the teacher/professor would give. Those classes where the prof just prints out all the notes beforehand and gives them to you to follow along? Oh man, I spent so many classes barely listening while I drew on them! I also used to draw on my physics homework and tests and sometimes I even got extra credit for them (thank you jeff :D). I actually have a folder of various drawings I’ve kept from that 8yr time period and a lot of them are on classwork 😂

Obviously, I’ve been doing a lot of digital art lately, which I’m sure is what u were more curious about rather than the shit about drawing on my homework. I got a surface pro as a graduation gift in 2016 bc prior to that i had a wacom tablet and a janky ass laptop, so the gift was kinda a 2-in-1: i can do schoolwork AND art easily! i like digital art a lot and honestly im still learning new things abt it every time i draw. I use Leonardo currently (i’ll skip that story) but I started out doing digital art on sketchfu WITHOUT the wacom tablet in maaaaybe 2012??? 2011??? does anyone on this site remember sketchfu? Honestly couldnt even tell u how i found that site hahah the internet was just full of wonders back in the day. RIP sketchfu. Once i got the tablet tho some time later i used sketchfu still (i think) but also gimp and krita i believe.

Oh i suppose I should mention that i took art all four years of highschool and also minored in it in college! So it’s something i did academically as well as for fun. I keep thinking about going to art school for realsies but idk. I’m already $$$ in debt from my first degree i dont feel like adding to that 😅😓

Ok now for the second part of your question: I’ve also pretty much always done fan art! Ive never really been one for OC’s, EXCEPT for the self-insert superhero double life “comics” i wrote about a poodle named Sassy when i was in third grade. And then the knock off “comics” i wrote at a later time which honestly it was weird that i did a knock off of my own thing rather than just adding them to the original or making it a spin off with at least one of the og characters. Cuz it wasnt a spin off!! But anyway there wasnt really much to any of these characters; i just needed vessels to get my weird ideas out.

So anyway yeah most of what ive ever drawn has been fan art or self portraits, because its just easier for me to take characters that already exist and bend them to my will (artistically). Well excluding art assignments in school i guess because i would usually have to draw something specific and therefore not something self indulgent. But yeah ive drawn for lots of fandoms like the earliest i remember is warrior cats. Then theres things like pokemon and warriors and random other books i read thru middle school (i used to read a LOT but now im practically illiterate); spn, sherlock, and marvel through high school; and then marvel and bttf thru the end of hs and beyond. Idk i also have always loved looking at other peoples fan art and so im like “shit i wanna do that too!”. Tho i will say marvel was my biggest fandom and the one i had the longest interest in, so that was probably where the passion REALLY came from cuz I was drawing marvel stuff for such a long time (tho not posting shdjsk u have to trust me), but ive been doing fan art forever :)

(Of course, a lot of the fan art i was making prior to recently was drawn in lined notebooks or on homework sheets or what have you, and I wasn’t posting really any of it, but i was still making it and a good chunk of it still exists. Oh i should also mention most of it was with pencils or ballpoint pens like i wasnt doing anything too fancy. There was some digital art in the highschool-college time frame but it also really wasnt…much. Honestly i barely posted any of it here but I know some of it’s on deviantart)

I cant pinpoint the exact time I started getting more “serious” about my art in general, but i know the first pandemic lockdown gave me more free time and i was less stressed about schoolwork so i just kinda had a good outlet. (Tho i will say that prior, I had been in a life drawing club for a short while, and i had also been working on a personal sketchbook project that had me pretty ~inspired~ to do art. Also i watched twin peaks around this time and it inspired a lot of Feelings and i was making funky collages and other art pieced that were sometimes related to that. Some of those are on deviantart)

Honestly I think the Big thing with my digital art was coincidentally getting back into BTTF the summer of the 35th anniversary bc the fandom here was THRIVING and i was like “oh shit wait i want to contribute!” But as i kept drawing i kept wanting to improve and that leads us to right now where im constantly trying new things (whether subtle or obvious) and challenging myself to do full body drawings with different poses, and doing screencap redraws and what have you for various reasons (backgrounds, proportions, pose, etc)

So yeah :) Basically I’ve been doing fan art forever (I didnt even get into all the mediums ive tried but that’s another conversation bc this is already so long and convoluted) and it’s kinda coincidental that ive suddenly really gotten back into it and have improved dramatically in such a short time. Thank you so much @rovermcfly for the ask and again im really sorry you had to wait so long for a response! Stupid tumblr

[lununnunna]

Waterworks || Dabi x Reader

angst in which you dont realize dabi physically cannot cry bc his mf tearducts out here like *burnt*

(again idk how 2 shorten my posts :( so apologies in advance) ((also couldnt stop thinking abt how dabi fr out here like ugly crying wo the tears i had an itch to write the angst))

part two

most times it made you lovingly roll your eyes. other times it made you laugh. but lately, dabis nonchalant and rather apathetic demeanor was weighing on you.

youve yet to see him cry, even when you two have your arguments and little bicker-fests, as any normal couple has. hes never cried, only yelled, or flashed bitter smiles and dark laughs. it unsettled you. hes never once shed a single tear, not even for your sake.

you began to question if he really loved you as much as you did, him.

surely if he loved you, he would cry in relief for your safety, or in sympathy for something that upset you, right?

you ultimately supposed he wouldnt really be one to cry to begin with, but what of that time you were followed home and nearly kidnapped? assaulted? he had merely burned them to ash for you, and carried you inside as you sobbed into his shoulder. he hadnt even done so much as comment; no whispers of relief, no ‘i love you’s, nothing to show you he was glad you were okay save for the kisses to your head and rubs on your back until you fell asleep. at the time, you felt he was focused on consoling you, and assumed he just didnt want you to know he was worried.

but now, you wondered if he even really cared.

a part of you told you you were being ridiculous, that he had to care if he was still with you, to bother saving you to begin with— but the hurt in your heart and concern in your head spoke louder, and drowned out any reason.

and so, here you found yourself, anxiety bubbling in the pit of your stomach and rising like bile into your throat. you had confronted him on the matter, only to be brushed off, irritating you until it had led to another petty argument.

you swallowed.

you wanted the truth, and you wanted it bad. you desperately needed to know what you truly meant to him. surely, if he cared, this would stir him, right? this would have to invoke some sort of feeling in him, right?

tears stinging your eyes, throat tightening and suddenly feeling dryer than the sahara desert, you spoke, voice trembling.

“i.. im leaving.”

he fixed you with his sharp, icy gaze.

“what?” he gritted out through clenched teeth.

“i said im leaving. we’re— we’re over. we should break up.”

you watched his reaction carefully, watching the way the muscles in his jaw flexed and tightened, before relaxing and a low chuckle escaped from the back of his throat. he ran a hand through his hair, scoffing.

he glanced over to you once more.

“you dont mean that, doll. look, lets just put this behind us. you know i love you, so give it a rest, yeah? lets just watch a movie.”

you could hear the irritation threatening to leak into his voice. your brows furrowed into a frown.

“do i? do i know you love me? because from where im standing, im not feeling it. i meant what i said. i think itd be for the best if we at least took a break.”

he was silent after that. you could see the anger brewing behind those oceanic eyes you fell in love with, staring at you, trying to read you, as if he thought if he stared long enough, hed be able to see and understand what you were thinking; feeling, and why.

you trembled. you wouldnt be able to hold back the tears much longer.

you took a deep, shaky breath.

“goodbye, dabi.”

he didnt say anything. he didnt say anything as you walked away, slipping on your shoes at the door. he only watched, frozen in place, mind racing with a million thoughts at once. dont forget your coat, he wanted to say. its cold out. its dark. stay safe, baby. call me the moment you feel scared or threatened.

but his body wouldnt respond. he felt numb, watching your retreating figure slip behind the door, the soft click of the doorknob suddenly sounding so much louder in his head.

he was trembling violently, anger and despair crashing over him in suffocating waves.

everything felt so fucking surreal. he felt like it was a dream, it wasnt real, you were only kidding, you were only testing him, you didnt mean it, youd be back tomorrow, kissing him and hugging him and gracing him with your sweet voice talking about anything and everything and nothing in particular.

but he knew.

he knew it wasnt a joke. it was real. you were gone, and he didnt stop you.

and that pissed him off to all fucking hell.

he snapped, letting out a scream of rage, bellowing into the empty apartment, knees buckling under the weight of his broken heart. fists and fire met anything he could come into contact to, wrecking the living room as his screams and shouts tore through his throat, desperate to be heard.

he wanted to cry. he wanted to cry, to chase after you, to wrap you in his arms and kiss you like there would be no tomorrow. he hated himself.

he fucking hated himself.

he wanted to burn the entire building down in his rage and sorrow, to burn the entire world so youd have no choice but to run to him. but he knew that was wrong. he couldnt control you— if you didnt want to be with him anymore, who was he to stop you? he doesnt want to be with him either.

yet here he is, all alone, caving, curling into himself as he dropped to the ground, the apartment thoroughly wrecked. stuck with nobody but himself and his overwhelming devastation. his face twisted in what could only be described as pain, scrunching and folding in on itself. he was bleeding. he must have popped a staple when he was screaming, but he didnt care, not even as they pulled and tugged ever so painfully as he choked on another shout of anguish.

there he sat, a pathetic being in the middle of the life he made for himself.

there he sat, sobbing tearlessly as the boy who couldnt cry.

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[victorzsasz]

big long rant under here just about Joel and things... 

I was so close to reaching out again, I really think I should but I’m scared... I’m scared of what I’d do if it goes badly, like... I nearly killed myself twice over this, and idk... even with the support of my friend, I feel like I wont make it a third time. 

It’s clear that theres a big miscommunication between us. I honestly thought he meant forever, he didnt mean temporarily like he claimed in his rant, he meant never talk about yakuza to him ever, and I extended that to all my previous and future and other hyperfixations. I honestly thought he wanted me to stop info dumping and sharing my opinions and love for whatever Im hyperfixated on.... almost like thats exactly what happened before with another group of friends that he knew about, and knew how much it hurt me and was triggering for me but whatever. He never communicated anything about how he was doing beyond maybe saying he was stressed, how was I supposed to know all the bad shit that was going on in his life if he wouldnt fuckin tell me?! riddle me that! I think he only mentioned one thing about something to do with his apartment app being sent to the wrong place or submitted wrong or something like that, and he mentioned how much the movers costed. I only found out about his family when he got mad at me about my hyperfixation stuff, and I respectfully really slowed down and calmed down and even made a completely separate thing just so I could respect him and the boundaries he set but ookkkaayyy.... Like yeah, I know I’m not the best at communicating either, but at least I tried... Also, he fuckin clearly knows nothing about hyperfixations and what they are, I tried explaining once but I’m not the best at language, but like... theyre not coping mechanisms, it has nothing to do with mental illness, I wasnt dumping my mental health on him or whatever. Hyperfixations are just something I do as someone (Im almost certain is but never got tested) on the autism spectrum. its part of my personality and always has been?? Its really only something I do to people I trust and feel comfortable with because well... it made me loose all my friends in the past so now Im very closed off about it. I also do it on the internet but thats different.  I even 99% of the time restrained from talking about my TC hyperfixation because I just didnt think he was interested in that stuff and didnt want to hear about it and I didnt want to trigger him. Id tell him some small things sometimes if I just really wanted to tell someone about it, and id always make sure he was okay with me telling him about it before I told him.... Not that he ever really seemed to care about anything I told him... Also, hated how he acted like he himself isnt petty when like...the only way he couldve seen anything he talked about, hed have to go months through tweets or posts just to find anything.... alright... also hes done a fuckton of petty stuff, like yeah I can be petty at time but dont act like youre not or youre above it. Also, like the reblogs werent guilt trip things?? Im sorry I wanted to fuckin express my feelings on my own personal blog???? thats honestly how I felt because I have fuckin bad depression, and trauma??? especially when it comes to discussing my interests??? He was the only person I talked a lot to about my hyperfixations, and so like.... of course I felt isolated and alone and like I had no one to talk to, because he was the only one and he never shared the same amount of interest in it (because hes neurotypical) and I just felt like I was annoying him and he couldnt relate so even tho I was messaging him about it, I still felt alone and like I had no one to talk to about it that could relate or anything like that. I legit had one friend, of course I felt alone. I honestly would like to apologise about how sometimes Id say lame or nerd or something like that after youd share stuff you liked, they were always meant as jokes, and im sorry if they didnt always come off as them. I shouldve specified they were or said jk jk all the time or something like that. I guess my stupid brain just always thought you knew as well?? theyre not very funny jokes anyways, and Im sorry... not that theres anyway you can see this... i dont think? theres still a lot I feel and want to say, but this is long enough already and I want to play stardew valley and i know you wont see this so like... whats the point besides getting my personal venting out

[mollydollyjournals]

So. On Sunday 22nd November I drank 2 bottles of wine because I just felt like shit and that's how it goes. On the Monday, I had a bad hangover but was okay. And I was glad I was okay and not super sick because that is never fun.

On the Tuesday I woke up with a horrific migraine. Every time I moved I felt like my brain was exploding. In hindsight, it was probably swollen. The headache kept getting worse and other symptoms showed up and by Thursday morning I had extreme head pain, various abdominal pain, severe nausea, I couldnt stay awake longer than a few hours, could barely concentrate or talk, and my bones felt cold. Idk how else to describe it. Just felt like I was freezing from the inside out.

So I figured I was dying. I've had liver failure before and it didnt take that long to recover - I did at least continually get better after drinking. But this time it was getting worse over time. That's also consistent with my knowledge of how su*c*de by overdose commonly works. But I could barely move, hospital is an extremely stressful place for me as it is, they weren't guaranteed to do anything and I'd likely just wait there for hours and maybe just die in the waiting room, plus there's a pandemic so they're understaffed and I'm at high risk for catching it.

Hb eventually called a few health service places and I got an emergency blood test for that afternoon. Luckily I also recovered enough to get there and have my blood taken and all. Then I just had to go recover.

I only really started to feel okay yesterday, Wednesday 2nd December, a week and a half after I drank. Of course, yesterday was also the day hb's anger issues made a grand reentry and I considered leaving/kicking him out, and instead I drank. I didn't drink a lot. I don't think I can right now. At one point in the week I had a couple of mouthfuls of low alcohol wine just to deal with withdrawal, and it made me feel sick and my head started hurting so much. So I only had a bit yesterday by usual standards (equivalent maybe 2 glasses of regular wine) but it was enough and I still feel a little hungover today.

So. That's where I've been.

I'd reached and plateaued at 156.6lbs and my body wouldn't go lower. My waist was 29in. While I was at my most ill I could stand long enough to weigh myself, but at one point later I was 156 and felt like I'd gained. Even though I'd been lying down eating carbs. Liver disease makes you lose weight. Of course part of me wanted to just lose more. But liver disease also makes you retain fluid, so my waist got bigger even though I weighed less. At the moment, I'm 158.2lbs and my waist has gone up to 31in, and my face is super round and fat.

I've avoided Tumblr because I knew I had to recover physically enough to be able to do anything first. I knew I had to eat high calorie carby food and I wasn't going to manage it I saw thinspo and such. I also already feel disgusting enough with my belly and face being so fat, especially so suddenly after getting to a lower weight. I even ate some meat (I'm normally vegetarian).

Im just about okay to do some things now. I did a lot of housework yesterday, or at least a lot for recent standards. Tomorrow I'm going to see bf for the first time in ages. I've been so alone and he has too and I've just been struggling so hard not to drink. But I'm also super nervous because I just have anxiety and I'm so so fat.

I guess he won't notice. I'm about the same as last time I saw him. And that's so discouraging for me. I could have been less. I had such a good first week of my 28 day thing and then I fucked up so much worse than I even thought I would. Now I'm worse than when I started. Although I weigh slightly less than 160 or 163 or whatever, it's not much, and I'm still bigger. Because of all the fluid retention. I feel like I'm pregnant.

I took a stimulant lax because I can't stand it. But I also ordered some osmotics that arrives today so I'm going to do that next week. It'll be timed with my period. I've done the basic recovery from whatever the fuck happened a couple of weeks ago. Now I need to do a bit of a cleanse and get acquainted again. Get rid of all the fluid and replenish vitamin stores etc. By the end of my period I want to be able to get back to this properly.

I just can't believe I fucked up so badly. I'm so ashamed of myself. I feel really alone. I'm trying to get therapy again for drinking and I really hope it helps. At least a little.

For now I guess I'm just going to get back to sharing thinspo and such, do more than lying in bed, stop eating meat and heavy carbs, get back to my usual a bit. I feel so stupid.

[vampexx]

I have tried a few times now to write this post but I just couldnt go forward with posting it, thinking its too personal...

But...here it goes...

I have always been a painfully shy, paranoid and self conscious person so being this open is really scary for me to say the least due to my struggles with confidence and self esteem...

And drawing has been something I did for as long as I can remember...and it was something that helped me growing up...

However, ever since high school in 10th grade, I have had almost all my drive and love for drawing drained from me from comparing myself to the other, "better," students in my art class and from my own art teacher who at first, in 9th grade, started as a somewhat positive influence but then the next year being really negative and rude.

I was the student that was told, "youre not done, go back to your seat, keep working," when going to my teacher for advice. When he said this, he would only glance at my work before turning me away. All while the other students received kind, positive and constructive criticism when I did not.

He even addressed me, out loud, in front of the class, regarding my low grade, saying, "the only reason you arent failing my class is because you did your homework last night."

For context: the homework assignment was some drawing exercises...and the reason my grade was low was because, it was towards the end of the year, I had completely given up on myself and my art so I didnt turn in a project. One, because I never cared enough to finish it and two, it was an act of rebellion on my part.

That was the first and only class where I actually had an F-....I didnt even know it was possible to get that low of a grade...but trust me, it is. My math grade was never even that low.

Now, this art class was something you had to submit a portfolio for it to be reviewed so these 2 art teachers could decide if you were accepted into this art program or not. (It was exoensive too, if I remember correctly, it was like $200 per semester, and I did this for 2 years).

And against my own self consciousness, while feeling like I was far less qualified than others, I challenged my self doubt and fear of rejection and tried out anyways...

And a few weeks later, I found out I was accepted. That moment went down as one my top, most proud moments. I was proud of myself for a change.

Only for that to change a couple years later...where the little pride and confidence I had left in not only myself, but my skills in art, just dropped so low.

On top of that, my academic grades while in this art program, were also dropping considerably due to the amount of stress I put myself through trying to meet everyone elses expectations and standards.

My painting and drawing teacher (the nice one, not the rude one) would encourage my love and skill for cartooning, charcoal and shading. My digital art teacher (the one who ended up being so rude to me in the following year), helped me realize my strengths in photoshop and with a tablet. He did praise me a few times, which did help, but it didnt last very long.

My downfall was the art class that I took in 10th grade, with my previous digital art teacher, which was "figure drawing." Basically, it was learning how to draw anatomy and being anatomically correct which I found out very early on, was not my strength....and it was the whole focus of the class for the entire year so I was screwed. My strengths were cartooning and caricatures, not anywhere near anything anatomically correct. I kean, I could draw a skeleton, but when it came to human figures and poses....I dont know why but I had a tough time. So that was the year that things really went downhill fast.

It just took the fun out of drawing and turned it into something that felt too forced.

However, in my experience with this class I learned something about myself that Im actually glad that I did...

Its that art is just a hobby for me. I learned that I hate drawing on demand, in a certain time frame, and drawing what someone else wants me to draw.

I want to draw only on my own terms and at my own pace.

I couldnt see that about myself because I was too concerned with everyone else and their skills in drawing.

A few years after I quit the art program, I really didnt draw all that much aside from little doodles and unfinished sketches on the edges of my homework and class notes. I didnt like anything that I drew anymore.

And when you lose love, drive and interest in something you were once so passionate about....it leaves a gaping hole in you. It makes you feel pointless, like there nothing special about you. Nothing that sets you apart from everyone else. It really is as depressing as it sounds.

I was lost.

However. I FELT FREE. I didnt have a constant reminder from several different people that I wasnt as good. No one to make me feel lesser than someone else. No one to put me down.

As a result, my academic grades improved back to As and Bs (excluding math in the 11th grade, I had like a D).

---

And I realize now that maybe I didnt learn all of this the hard way for no reason. Maybe its to also help someone so they dont have to learn the hard way like I did. Or maybe, its to reach out to those have experienced the same or similar things as me so that they dont feel alone. So that they know that them and their skills are still very much valuable and valid.

Because everyone goes at their own pace, no two people are ever the same.

Anyone can be good at anything.

Now I didnt want this post to discourage anyone from taking or considering an art class. Please understand that my experiences are unique to myself. Art classes are actually very helpful as long as your surrounded by positive and encouraging influences.

Just remember to be careful. Respect yourself and your abilities. Be patient with yourself. Have faith in yourself, dont give up. And last, but not least, know your worth and what you deserve when it comes to treatment.

---

Anyways, so up until a couple of years ago, I slowly started to get back into drawing.

I do love to draw, along with architecture and interior/ fashion design.

Im working to rediscover myself, even though I dont want to do it professionally...

So as I did years ago, I will challenge my self doubt again and try to put myself back out there.

So as anxietal as I am, I want to ask...

Would anyone be interested in seeing something I drew?

Might be an odd question and it might sound attention seeking but Im really just testing the waters....

I will add one little doodle I did the other day just to see....

I know its not that great and thats its nothing amazing but....its something Im proud of...however small it may be.

Im not sure how I feel when it comes to reposting...

I feel like I dont want people to repost it...

In case I ever feel like taking it down...

Idk.

Anyways....Im literally shaking Im so nervous...

But...Im trying to repair some old damage.

Have a miraculous day and thank you for your patience.

Again, please dont repost. At least until Im a little more comfortable.

Thank you

[mizbrianna]

27 (idk.. Just pretend it could happen hahaha) & 28

“I’m pregnant.”“Marry me?”

new au! yikes sorry this took so long but here, have some angst with a happy ending. its also on Ao3 here

Aquaria and Brianna had been trying to get pregnant for months, and the universe seemed to be against them. They found a sperm donor they liked, and he fell through. Brianna got sick and there were medical bills to be paid. Then they couldn’t try for a month cause Aquaria didn’t want their baby to be a Libra. They finally found another sperm donor and everything was great - until the doctor said “your gynecologist hasn’t mentioned this cyst?” during Brianna’s check-up and the world came crashing down around her. For as long as she could remember Bri had wanted to be pregnant, and finding out she couldn’t was devastating. It took a month of long nights of Aquaria holding her for them to repair that heartache together.

Aquaria never liked the concept of being pregnant. They had always planned for Bri to do it, and Brianna would never ask that of Aquaria if she didn’t want it. But one night when she was lying awake she turned and woke Bri up. “Hey babe? I want to have our baby. I love you, and I want to start our family, and I know I can handle anything because I’ve got you. So let’s try, okay?” Brianna hugged her so tightly she thought she might suffocate. “You’re going to do so great. We’re going to do so great.” Three months later, and Aquaria’s tired. She’s done two inseminations and neither of them took. At her third appointment, the doctor reassures her that it’s normal for this to take three or four times, but the anticipation is killing her. It’s taking a toll on both of them - an unspoken strain. And Aquaria can see how much Brianna is struggling, passing the baby section at a store or trying to smile through a pregnant friend’s party. It breaks her heart. It was Bri’s excitement that made her excited to have a baby. Now, they don’t talk about it unless they have to because it upsets her so much. But two weeks after her third treatment, Aquaria feels like something is different. She decides not to tell Brianna because she’s not sure she could handle another disappointment. That’s why she’s in the bathroom at work with a pregnancy test in the sink, and she’s sitting on the floor because she’s afraid to look, and she wishes Brianna was with her. She’s still sitting there when a woman she doesn’t know walks in.

“Oh sorry - wait, are you alright?”

Aquaria squeezes her eyes shut. “Oh, my, uh, my pregnancy test is in the sink and I can’t bring myself to look. So, uh, that’s why I’m down here.”

“I see. Is that - do you want to be pregnant or not? If you don’t mind my asking.”

“Oh god, I want to be pregnant so bad. I just want her to be happy.” Aquaria’s hands are shaking.

“Her?” the woman asks gently.

“My girlfriend. We’ve been trying for like, six months, and -” she takes a breath, “would- would you look for me? I don’t think I can do it.”

“I can, if you want.” Aquaria nods. The woman goes over to the sink and picks up the test. She smiles.

“Looks like you’re having a baby.”

Aquaria exhales all at once, jumping to her feet and taking the test in her hands.

“Thank you thank you thank you,” she says as she runs out the door and out to the street to hail a cab.

The door to their apartment slams behind Aquaria and she sees Brianna jump and quickly try to wipe away tears so Aquaria doesn’t see that she’s been crying. She rushes to sit beside Bri, grasping her hands and pulling her face up towards hers. “Brianna,” she whispers, tears welling up as she smiles, “Brianna, we did it.” She fumbles for her purse and pulls out the pregnancy test and presses it into Bri’s shaky hands. “I’m pregnant, Bri,” she can’t believe she’s saying it. Brianna looks at the little plus sign in disbelief for a minute before letting out a sob and collapsing into Aquaria’s arms. “You’re so amazing,” Brianna says through tears. “I was starting to think it would never happen.” She sniffles, chuckling, “I can’t wait to pamper the shit out of you.” Her hands go to Aquaria’s abdomen and Aquaria’s hands joins hers. “That’s our baby in there,” Aquaria says in awe. “I hope we get a little lesbian,” she whispers. “Aquaria! You can’t say that!” Bri laughs. She leans in to kiss Aquaria with intensity, breaking away to look her in the eyes. “Marry me,” she says breathlessly. “I don’t care when or how or who’s there. I just want you to marry me.” Aquaria doesn’t trust her voice but she nods her head as hard as she possibly can, crying again as she pulls Bri in for a hasty kiss. “I love you, Bri.” “I love you too, darling.” They get married two weeks later at city hall with no frills. Only their parents and a few friends are there. Nobody knows about the baby yet - they’re not ready to share - but it’s not hard to tell that there’s a secret between the two of them, and their friends have just about guessed what it is.

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.