#so i always just end up mad as fuck with no healthy outlet

[skatethefirs]

parents are just. unbelievable u know. u r 50+ please act right

[killyourrdarlingss]

Vent - I have had an awful day over things that aren't my fault

My mom literally ruined my day over HER friend drama she's already told me she doesn't want my opinion about ever - and when I calmly told her I understand but I won't be offering anything on the subject she literally flipped her lid to the point I had one foot out of the car to leave LMAO ! I tried saying "what do you want me to do??" And she just SCREAMED that she didn't want my fucking help so I just DONT. GET . IT.

I had the door opened in an intersection telling her to stop yelling and converse normally or i would be walking home - so she told me to shut the fuck up and only talked to my sister that point on 🤪

She just harassed me over SO MUCH like how I was the only one who was allowed to feel hurt , how I'm a bitch who doesn't want to listen - but I have before and she's yelled at me even worse so the fact she's just mad cause I'm telling her stuff she doesn't want to hear is obvious.

Like she brought up a really hurtful ex friend of mine and told me to go chase after him again - and when I told her I did everything I could, I tried to see if he would get better and when he wouldn't I cut him off - she LOST it again . Like she was yelling the whole time but she REALLY didn't like the fact that I handled things maturely ig. But I'm just so used to this shit,

everyone in this family always tries to harass me over my emotions and if I even feel slightly off and make ONE misstep it's like

"WHY ARE YOU MAD. WHY ARE YOU OFF TODAY:/ WHY ARE YOU STRESSED , YOU'RE ANGRY? I CAN TELL YOU'RE ANGRY:/"

And I'm just so done? I told her that she's ruined any possible way of me confiding in her ever again, and that I know how to fix my problems, to leave me out of HER business, and deal with things herself.

I'm done and I'm still laying here thinking how I almost fucking lost it cause I was being screamed at in the car with no place to go and then after doing the HEALTHY thing of trying to leave , got called my father and that I was being dramatic, because like sitting and taking abuse and harassment is definitely what I want to sit through? Funny.

And then she'll bring up how she was abused her whole life and that SHE doesn't have to deal with this!! Which is just funny idk, like any time she's stressed she'll do this to me, just make me feel to her level, and then after she acts all normal like.

It sucks, I love my mom and she's fine when she's fine and she's like my best friend, but these horrible freak outs have made me sick lately, if my sister didn't just shut down or throw me under the bus half the time when they happen I'm sure I'd feel less shitty but I genuinely am at my wits end with all this bullshit.

I'm done with being someone else's stress outlet, I've gotten help and therapy I'm fed up with her claiming she's fine and taking it out on me .

[thebibliosphere]

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After. 

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting. 

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom. 

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man. 

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms... 

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful. 

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual. 

[mariaiscrafting]

ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues.  My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way.  Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand.  Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

[phalliwellz]

A small rant on Forwood (and why I don’t like it as both a Tyler and Caroline stan.)

(Before I start I should say I very much like Tyler more than Caroline, so it honestly might show in this rant. Regardless, it’s not an attack on her character, more so how poor writing makes Caroline worse than she actually is. Anywho.) 

I legitimately cannot say one good thing about forwood. Except what @/hizziemikaelson actually made me realize was that it was Caroline’s best ship, but Tyler’s worst. Since the show likes to portray Caroline as everyone’s emotional savior, they very much knew what they were doing with getting them together. Ty was the patient, Care was the therapist. ‘Tyler has ‘anger issues’? perfect! Caroline will now be his entire rock because that’s her job and we don’t know how to write this character without EVERYONE falling in love with her in someway because we’re WEIRD!’ Like. lmao what? They made Caroline get so carried away with that shit that it turned manipulative. She subconsciously wanted him to be so dependent on her because someone wanting her for once? So unrealistic! (I say that sarcastically because it’s bullshit, but this is a forwood rant, not a Caroline rant.) and you best believe she used that to her advantage till the very end. She wanted Tyler to be nothing without her. And in the show’s eyes for a very great while, he was. Everything Ty did from s2 to s5 was ‘cause Caroline influenced it or wanted him to, unless it was related to his pack and even then he had to fight to be able to do that on his own. (Remember when she didn’t give two shits that his pack member died? (Inherently cause of Elena and Caroline wanted him to help her save her, might I add.) they made his happiness rely on her. Like I said, he was nothing without Caroline Forbes. Literally. Who swooped in when he was going through his father passing away? Caroline. Who was there when he found out his uncle died? Caroline. Who was DEFINITELY there when his mother died? Caroline. Which isn’t necessarily a TERRIBLE thing, but in this context it’s not cute/healthy, it’s dehumanizing. Because instead Tyler’s grief turns into her grief. We can only focus on Tyler if Caroline is mentioned/in the shot. It’s so fucking annoying, especially as such an extreme Tyler stan. I want to know about Tyler Lockwood, not Caroline Forbes and her werewolf boyfriend. But that’s what they did. That’s what they made forwood. They turned it into in the relationship only Caroline can excel at. He loved and cared for her and at most all she did was like his body and like the fact that he cared about her. I mentioned this before in a rant of mine but Caroline only started dating him because he actually listened to her yap all the time and showed her more attention than Matt ever did. (Without a fight atleast.) other than that, what else did they have? Vampire and werewolf, we’re to believe they despise each other and Caroline and Tyler are mystic fall’s answer to Romeo & Juliet? Fuck outta here. I know Caroline never cared about that boy because instead of actually being furious at Damon for killing him, it was, ‘He was my first love. *Conflicted but ready to get this over with frowny sad face*’ and my favorite ignorant bullshit line that she told KLAUS, ‘You were never the villain in my story.’ Oh, we know. We figured that out when you fucked him in the woods while you were supposed to love Tyler but you know, semantics :). 

It’s fucked because I could see the appeal? Like genuinely. Especially as someone who wanted THE BOTH OF THEM to be happy, it could’ve been the relationship where both of them shined, not just Tyler being Caroline’s boy toy and Caroline being propped up as ‘a soft uwu baby next to a bad boy with a mean temper and she has to calm him down all the time despite not being his registered therapist.’ They also wanted forwood to be the one good unrequited ship on the show and Caroline’s first great ship but that’s the problem, it was hers, not Tyler’s. Basically it was Caroline’s world, Tyler was simply living in it.

I feel like nothing defines forwood more than the scene where Tyler finds out Caroline slept with Klaus because everything from that is just them in a nutshell. Tyler trying to calm himself down/diffuse the situation because he doesn’t want to blow up, he knows it’ll hurt Caroline by doing so but he’s hurting, he needs an outlet. Caroline, who’s used to always being his outlet, is instantly threatened and actually doesn’t feel like she should be in the wrong for fucking Klaus, so suddenly she’s nervous and now she’s even more nervous because she can’t calm him down this time. Stefan, with his fat headed ass, instantly only sees Caroline being threatened and can’t even process being mad at her, he tries to defend Care, almost gaslighting Tyler into feeling like he’s the one that should be either apologizing or not taking it so hard. It was such a mess of a situation and such a pivotal moment I don't know how they even survived after that. It showed that forwood was so one-sided. No sex/grief scenes or declaration of love could’ve changed that. He fell in love with Caroline because she was all he had. She fell in ‘love’ with him because she was horny and needed a lap dog to heal her insecurities/wounds. No other reason. 

Personally I think they could’ve been more than what they were and could’ve been a great way to show Tyler’s development, Caroline’s development and even that julie & co. actually can make good relationships/have good writing. But unfortunately, none of those things happened except showcasing that Tyler Lockwood never mattered to anyone in the tvdu long before his death and Caroline Forbes is figuratively and literally the golden girl of tvd, despite them trying so hard to make her seem like she’s not. Tyler never stood a chance in that relationship.

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom 8-13 thoughts! again, under the cut bc I blew through 6 episodes in one go...

-LOVE THE WAY THE GHOST ZONE LOOKS. but theres fucking ghost cops??? ghost jail??? that SUCKS imagine dying and going to jail in your AFTERLIFE. danny going to JAIL WAS NOT something I expected. but seeing all the enemies together and work with danny to bust out. SO ICONIC I love that actually. and the thing about real world stuff acting as ghosts in the ghost zone is very cool.

-'there are some things more important that hunting ghosts!' mrs fenton says, about her husband forgetting their anaversary (FOR THE 18TH YEAR IN A ROW?? CHRIST) and not about, idk, their son clearly freaked out. she didnt even notice he was gone into the ghost zone!!! he might be a bad husband BUT shes not the best mom. they suck and I don't care about their relationship problems I care about these kids. danny doing his best to clean the house to keep his mom from getting mad at his dad?? hes such a good boy I want to cry, this is not his place, his dad should be cleaning his own shit up!!!

-maddie's butch lesbian sister is living my best life in her lil cabin. also being a snarky bitch to jack. queen. and her getting a 10th anniversary of her divorce. LOVE IT.

-mr. lancer being a cheerleader in his younger years makes perfect sense to me. king shit.

-dr. spectra's cat ears/mullet hairstyle?? sooo cute. I also just love the concept of a ghost just. sucking out people's positivity and feeding on emotions. a great villain. she put danny in a fucking diaper what the FUCK. and keeping it cold so no one would suspect shes a ghost??? INCREDIBLE. and her gay little blob sidekick. wlw mlm evil solidarity.

-JAZZ FOCUSED EP. YEAAAH!!! her first thought when she saw the ghosts was like 'omg i gotta tell danny :)' and her going to the teacher and also councilor trying to get help for him...shes just 16 but shes trying so hard to help him out :( watching this when youre younger I can imagine ppl are like omg annoying!! but watching this when im older im just like :( jazz baby im SO sorry </3 SHE BODIED THAT GHOST THOUGH. and the fact she didnt tell danny she knew surprised me. like, shes patient and waiting on him to tell her when hes ready!! thats so so sweet.

-christ the parents talking about 'PEELING IT LIKE AN ONION. AND EXAMINING REMAINS' of ghosts RIGHT INFRONT OF DANNY.

-'why am i so depressed and angry all the time!!' DANNY YOURE 14. i mean it IS a ghost this time, but...

-579$ top?? VALERIE NO ITS NOT EVEN CUTE IT DOESNT EVEN GO WITH THAT OUTFIT AAAA. tho this ep is called shades of gray..VALERIE FOCUSED EP FINALLY????! *THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE* I already knew about red huntress from my redesigns, but I didn't exactly know what that entails or how/why, so, it's fun to see the Origins.

-ghost pubby! ghost pubby!!!!! why is the dog a ghost?? the implication that the company had guard dogs and got rid of them...what did they DO. is it just the unfinished business?? of not having that toy it was looking for?? god I hope so.

I feel SOOO bad for valerie tho, my god. her friends are shunning her for what, because her dad lost her job and she had to move??? horrible. (and the fact the dog wrecked the moving van too...) I also love how 'from wisconsin' on the package was an IMMEDIATE RED FLAG FOR ME. WISCONSIN=EVIL NOW. vlads so petty.

-it took valerie like 5 mins to get the hang of hunting ghosts and shes already a much bigger threat than his parents tbh. who've been trying and studying this for years. and a more valid reason <3 love her shes so cute and cool. new daughter alert.

-'i should do SOMETHING to help valerie' no shit danny???

-'who is that, awesome outfit!' -top gay sam moments. i was going to say. before it immediately cuts to sam kissing danny LMFAOOO. don't think I like that, it puts tucker in a weird third wheel position... the next ep involves them holding hands and blushing when danny's cold...URGH No. not a fan ngl. the trope of 'if theres a girl in a trio she has to end up with one of the two guys!!'

-right as I say that they take it to extremes!! and ember shoots him with a love ray gun that makes him OBSESSIVE OVER SAM. AND SHE TAKES HIS HANDS AND SAYS 'YOU DONT FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME, I DONT FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU' and her saying she doesnt want to be together like this. and tucker saying 'i always knew you two would get together!!' dont manifest it tucker please. the show pushing for it so hard makes me not want it KSHKJKJD I KNOW its probably canon. it sucks though. im a hater.

-vlad just LURKING AROUND THE SCHOOL GIVING VALERIE GIFTS ASJKDHKJ YOU WEIRD PETTY OLD MAN GO HOME!!!

-EMBERRRRR YOU WILL REMEMBERRRRRR . this is the one thing I kinda remember from when I was a kid EMBERRRRR ilu. top 10 cartoon bops. sams being a hater. popular things are popular for a reason. mr. lancer also being a hater. also everyone wearing her color scheme ..its a really good look, the purple, black, and minty color...

-penguins exist in the ghost zone. confirmed.

-EMBER JUST SHOWING UP AT A RANDOM HIGHSCHOOL TO PLAY?? UNANNOUNCED, MID DAY??? girl get a tour schedule. make some money or smth damn. I know shes probably doing it for the power boost but. lord. anyway if your show doesnt have a concert scene/ep, is it even valid.

-fellas is this gay. (she uses a GRAPPLING HOOK TO SHOOT OUT THE WINDOW AFTER SEEING AN EMBER VAN GO BY RIGHT AFTER THIS SHOT)

-hey, she had an undercut at some point!! my redesign!!! was accurate!! in..a way

-I feel like danny has a lot of pent up aggression ngl, him being heartbroken about sam and immediately going IM GONNA GO TAKE IT OUT ON EMBER. I mean she needs to be stopped I guess But. jazz has the right idea he needs therapy and a HEALTHY outlet.

-tucker singing > my singing

-girls cant be gamers -tucker and danny sexist moments. her being chaos in the game OWNED.

-TUCKERS HAT IS A BERET??? I THOUGHT IT WAS A BEANIE. SAM CALLED IT A BERET. WH.

-it was actually nice of lancer to let danny retake the test, and he go to play games again. smh. epic cringe gamer moments compilation. and driving him home!!! I actually like him as a character. anyway teachers like lancer are SO appreciated. I was failing middle school because of mental problems, and felt so dumb and got embarrassed by teachers who would just get onto me instead of bothering to ask what the real problem was, but when I was taking my ged classes I had a wonderful teacher who kept reassuring me that I was smart, and I got honors!! danny is SUCH a little shit to him (understandable, 14, but) but seeing them getting along better and danny putting in effort. SO CUTE. THATS MY SON, STUDYING HARD!!!! and being so PROUD OF HIMSELF!!! 91!!! BITCH!!! A- is STILL AN A!!!

-'why dont they ever realize thats me in a dress' mr lancer i am CRYING. i realized.

-technus being my ghost grandpa who cant game asking tucker for help. bless his heart. his out of date old ppl lingo circles back to being endearing <3 tucker not recognizing him despite the like, lack of any kind of serious disguise...I do love their lil in-game outfits....sam being the tank rules. I like technus' spider design also. more characters need to be giant freaky spiders, imo.

-finding your gf a new host because she cant maintain her ghost body outside the zone? amazing. using jazz as the host? ILL KILL YOU. jazz immediately accepting a ride home from a guy she just met and letting him know where she lives. letting him IN THE HOUSE??? nooo girl no lets use common sense </3

-sooo cringe the parents were like 'good job for spying on your sister' tho wtffff. doesnt matter if hes a bad guy, thats fucked. everytime these parents BREATHE im like. these are MY kids now <3

-BAD LUCK BEING A THEME OF THE 13TH EPISODE. thats super fun. johnny 13 being his name is so. iconic. your last name is a NUMBER? also goth tucker. I actually love the look. everyone looks good goth. 'the ladies love the eyeliner and onyx nail polish' sam you are sooo right every man needs to at least try those two things. im a lesbian and I agree. same, danny, your bff is gnc af

-LOVE kitty's design. and just, the concept of a ghost with a bike. couple goals, except yes stay away from jazz.

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

.

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

[blueboltkatana]

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

GUrll ur so sexy... Like you're Hot. I don't care if you were bullied in school, you're sexy, they lied.

Also bitch I KNEW i related to you too much our ascendants are both in leo we're so hot.

Ok ok no now I'll stop complimenting and start with the roasting here we go:

So the sun is your sense of "self" it represents you on the more base level i guess you could say, like what most people think you're like is represented by your sun. With Sagittarius being your sun it means you're very energetic Especially for those things you are passionate about, you might have gone through a LOT of hobbies, only a few of them stuck around but you like to try things. You're curious about the way people's minds works, you wanna figure them out. If the conversations you have don't involve some form of psychoanalysis or philosophy you might loose interest. You are a Talker, maybe you talk very fast or you are often told to lower your voice but you don't do it on purpose you're just very very animated. You are kina volatile, in the sense that you value freedom in everything, love, work, hobbies. You have a huge rebellious streak and you kinda like testing your luck. Think adrenaline junkie. It's cliché but with this much Sagittarius in your chart you prob love traveling, like i said you will chase freedom because you associate it with happiness. If you find people that make you feel free then you feel happy. Rules don't go well with you. You don't really like being involved with fights per se but you LOVE debating, if you can beat a motherfucker with nothing but facts and logic you will and you will enjoy it.

Your way of flirting or making friends is "lowkey bullying" or my favourite "verbally throwing hands". If they shoot back you get heart eyes (my mars in sag agrees). You can be tactless as fuck tho. Like you will say some outrageous shit that MIGHT be funny if the timing is right or MIGHT make everyone in a 5 mile radius mad.

I NEED to talk about your moon in sag bc Babe, babe the moon tells us about our emotions and how we deal with them, how we express them and how they shape us. But BABE. Sagittarius moons are so bad at comforting people it's embarrassing, trying to make them think of smth else or do smth else to distract from the situation is NOT a good way to deal with your emotions... Avoiding your emotions like the plague is not gonna invent a vaccine... Saying "everything is fine :)" DOESN'T MAKE ANYTHING FINE PLEASE GO TO THERAPY. ok to give you some credit, you don't let shit bring you down, no matter what you always get up and that is a *strength* that i admire, but love you're burning the candle at both ends, especially if you get yourself in More problems by trying to distract yourself from One problem.

Also you've had a horsegirl phase or a dog obsession phase or both huh. AND your love language is sarcasm but the type that you will make someone laugh when you're insulting them. You're also hilarious irl you're prob the "funny friend" but with that scorpio mars and venus baby inside ur sad and dark as fuck ripp.

I also wanted to talk about your mercury in sag... Babe... Do you know what a brain to mouth filter IS?! do you recognize that word?!?! Cuz you have never used yours i think. Like you are hilarious but that's because you have dolphins in the head cavity baby. Not trying to say you're stupid, you're actually very smart and opinionated, probably have been told that you'd be a great lawyer or smth. But miss gurl please think before you speak for the love of god ur gonna make someone cry. Also ur mouth is foul. Have you ever spoken a sentence without a "fuck" or a "cunt" somewhere in there?! God bless.

Now for your scorpio Venus I'm just gonna say, more confirmation that ur Sexy as Fuck, scorpio venuses are just sexy, amazing partners, VERY passionate, whoever dates you will never forget you, for better or for worse you'll forever be on the back of their mind. You had a harsh emo phase huh, maybe loved some obscure shit like witchcraft or just love dressing all black like someone's mother died, i bet you wear silver jewelry a lot, maybe necklaces or rings or chockers. If this isn't how you dress now it was prob a major phase in your life. Or maybe you just love horror movies idk

Being as passionate as you are you don't take well to being mistreated or lied to, you might like to plot revenge and things like those, you wouldn't do anything... You actually prefer letting things go but you WILL make an elaborate scenario in your head at 3am or even as you stare right in the persons face.

With mars in scorpio you might be kinda passive aggressive, maybe you act like things don't really bother you but you throw a comment or two once in a while just to stir the pot bc you can't move on lmfao.

You are attracted to people that are introverts or generally just mysterious, like i said above the nature of the Sagittarius is to Learn and to Study. People that you can't immediately figure out intrigue you. All your crushes are either on geminis or water signs lmfao.

The best careers for you are the ones that allow you some freedom of either movement or expression and something that can keep your mind from flying away, something that keeps you intrigued, like research or writing. You're a very "all or nothing" person and it can sometimes scare people away, i advise you to work on compromising, being less stubborn and more open with your emotions and desires.

(part one bc I'm taking too long and I don't wanna keep you waiting so much) I'll reblog this with part 2

Alright here we go part 2 of Roasting hella until she finds out I'm hiding in her walls.

I will skip over some planets that are Very slow moving and usually don't talk about you as an individual but refer to your generation as a whole.

I wanna focus on lilith for a sec bc worstie lilith talks about our fears, our more "darker" side that we hide from ourselves as well as the people that we love. Lilith in aries in the eleventh house tells me you might be afraid to take charge, you gravitate towards positions of leadership but you let go on the last second, almost afraid to have too much control, very often self sabotaging your own success. Your anger and you own ambition might scare you, you might be afraid of appearing too aggressive bc under your skin you have a deep rooted anger and rebellion that you wish to relieve but you can't find a good enough outlet, some things soothe it but you always feel like it never leaves. It might be related to some form of resentment that you never truly dealt with and now it sits uncomfortably with you and you just can't get over it and it bothers you. You might have been shy in groups as a child, maybe you talked a lot but it was always from a fear of the silence not always because you had something to say. The eleventh house is that of groups and friends and social awareness, technology and your hopes and wishes for the future, having lilith in this house talks about someone who had a hard time feeling comfortable around people OR someone who wasn't very accepted. You might have desperately wished for friends but have found it hard to find any. Or if you did, you deep down felt very alone. I would advise to learn to accept your anger and deal with it in healthy ways instead of brushing it off and repressing it.

The north node talks about what you need to focus more in your life for example in your case with Gemini in your North node you need to focus more on your communication letting go of anxiety and your relation with other people you need to become more interested in intellectual pursuit and growth. You need to let go off the need to always be right and look more at details instead of focusing on on the bigger picture all of the time. When your North node is is in Gemini then your South node is in Sagittarius which tells me that what you should focus less on is your pursuit of freedom and your rebellion. Be more aware of your words and use them with maturity.

Now let's have some fun with the ascendent in leo which we share and now i see why ur so relatable. The first house or the ascendant is that very superficial layer of our personality, it includes the way we carry ourselves, our style, the little habits or quirks we have. One thing about leo ascendants is that we have an obsession with our hair. Hair is important to us, some have huge hair that might remind you of a lions mane, others just have very unique style or color but we ALL are lowkey or highkey obsessed with it, either constantly touching it, pulling it, chewing on it, cutting it or dying it in unique ways you name it. You might have a rather large nose or cat like eyes.

This ascendent is full of life and light, very funny, light hearted and luxurious, you want to live that good life and i don't blame you. A negative aspect is that we come of as intimidating to others. ALL of my friends AND my ex have at some point told me I was intimidating to them. It makes us prone to overcompensating for it later in life so maybe now you're super outgoing and extroverted and you approach people first and try to be super friendly. Also you're an attention whore (affectionate) with a flare for the dramatics, very flamboyant, you basically fill the room with personality, it attracts attention and you love it. You're what people would call a "sunny" person.

You're hella competitive (get it lol) and you LOVE fighting your way to the top and crushing the competition. You're probably a weirdo that low key likes school. Not the way it's run or the teachers or whatever, but the "idea" of school. If you could just learn all your life you absolutely would.

Second house in virgo. The 2nd house is the house of money, work, income, daily routines, values, material possessions, habits, work ethic ect being in virgo it means you can have an extremely good work ethic, you put a lot of thought in planning and mapping your work, you might get overly critical on your work though and often undermine your own success and efforts because they didn't fit your impossible standards. You can be very organized in your work, you want things to be a certain way and if they don't follow your plan you will Make them. Its a good position for virgo but yoh need to be aware of not overworking by trying to do Everything on your own. Let others help you, and let people in your work do their own things don't try to help if not asked to because you will overwork yourself.

The third house is that of the mind, thinking, communication, siblings, interests and early education, in your case it is in Libra which means that you're early education might not have been very stable or it was a period of time that you look back with a lot of fondness but not much substance. You are a good talker but you get lost when it comes to details, you are indecisive when it comes to settling on an opinion on something if you don't have All the facts first, you always want to be right. You are pretty open minded and easy to talk to but you might have the bad habit of rambling off topic. You change interests constantly and you prob like to talk about others, you wanna know the tea if it kills you. You prob had a crush on a childhood best friend or on a hot neighbor. Your relationship with your siblings might be pretty good, friendly, no particular resentment or anything like that, you might be the one that everyone treats a little better, people let you get away with things more often, you might be the one that takes 2 hours in the bathroom lol.

Oof fourth house in scorpio babe how are the mommy issues? 😬 How is your relationship with your femininity? Having trouble with keeping secrets? So the fourth house is the one responsible for your home roots, your family, self-care, emotions, your mother, women and your femininity and having Scorpio here tells me that you might have very strong ties to your family, but they weren't healthy or emotionally supportive. You have grown with people that might have undermined your emotions, people that didn't teach you to set healthy boundaries and maybe even manipulators and gaslighters. You might have been the type to put your foot down a lot a home, assuming a very dominant role as well as the defender. You're very private about your family life and don't want to let people too close.

Ah i just noticed u have like 3 planets in this house including ur Sun and Moon, babe this house is what you need to focus on when you go to therapy. This almost secretive, guarded approach to understanding your own emotions is very prominent in how you see yourself, how you feel and with Pluto there, how you change. I could say the biggest changes in your life have happened in these areas and they have left the biggest impacts on you. Yes you are passionate and protective but don't let bad feelings marinate forever, address them and then move on from them because they're just weighting you down.

Fifth house in sag, also the house of your mercury. This house represents Love, romance, creativity, self expression, joy and childlike spirit. It tells me the way you express your creativity is through words which makes sense since you're a great writer, but not only, the way you express Love is also through your words, expression and free thoughts are your way you tell your loved ones how much you mean to them, think poetry, long rants, music recommendations bc of specific song lyrics, you have been writing form childhood and it's one of the ways you express your view on beauty as well, to you love is freedom and freedom is expression.

Capricorn in the sixth house paired with both uranus and neptune being in it tells me there is something about your knees, joints, bones or teeth in particular that stands out when it comes to your health, maybe you tend to break your teeth, maybe you like chewing on crunchy foods, maybe your joints crack a lot, idk but I'd drink my milk if i was you, take care of your joints and bones. Also for you, being emotionally unwell often translates to being Physically unwell as well, so be mindful of your emotions because they do affect you physically. You need to keep hydrated also and your health plan needs structure for it to work bc that neptune makes everything very chaotic and uranus constantly makes you bored and wanting to spice things up. Take care of your emotional needs just as much as you would with your physical ones. And for the love of jesus be CAREFUL with alcohol or smoking because that neptune in ur health house could mean serious trouble if you let it become an addiction, don't push it.

Aquarius in the seventh house of relationships, marriage, contracts, business partners ect means you are untraditionally traditional. That makes sense in my head let me explain. Aquarius is a sign that seeks individualism desperately, it likes to feel like a special person, impossible to understand. Yet always feels comfortable in the structure of traditional and safe paths. So for example you might marry someone in a way that is not traditional but at the end of the day you wish for your marriage to have a stability you would feel safe falling into. Also it says ur gay. Air signs in the relationship house says ur gay i Make the rules.

Pisces is in the eighth house of sex, intimacy, shared finances, inheritance, taxes, loans, property, mystery, partner's resources. This tells me you fuck with feeling lmfao. Or you simply make your love life something "special", a connection that only you and ur person can share, it's what makes you an amazing lover and an unforgettable one as well. But as amazing as you are at creating a otherworldly atmosphere, ur just as shit at setting boundaries and saying something when you don't like something. You don't like to see things that you love ending and a failed relationship makes you blame yourself too much, you have the tendency to stay in situations where you are being mistreated but you tell yourself It's on you.

A recurring theme I'm seeing is some weakness when it comes to liars or manipulators in your life. So either you irrationally fear people are lying to you because you "lie" to them about yourself or a lot of people in your childhood might have used lying or gaslighting as a way to keep you under control. I would advise to try not to overthink and become paranoid, people love you and they believe in you and they aren't deceiving you, they don't secretly mean something different from what they have said. Listen to your intuition about people sure, but don't confuse it with anxiety.

With lilith and aries in the 9th house of travel and higher education and religion I'm gonna assume you might have religious trauma. Religion might have been a way that people used to try and control you, if not religion then some form of system or government law. Being queer i completely understand the sentiment but in your case it's take a step further because you Value the ideals of this house so much, with lilith here, it's like at som point in your life you were finally awakened to how much injustice there was in the world ant that has made you very inclined to take action, you cannot stand unjust government or non tolerating religions. You might have felt crushed under an unjust system and it took you a lot of will and conviction to find your individuality and build yourself how you wanted once you were free.

Your midheaven in taurus tells me you are one that will achieve any goals you set your mind to. It might take you time, you might procrastinate around it, but at the end of the day, you will do it and you will do it well and it will be rewarding. If your father isn't a Taurus then he was a stable figure in your life, very much a rock for better or for worse. In your career life people will see you as very competent, very down to earth and helpful but you know you just procrastinated till the last second possible and stayed up all night do finish your work... You will seek careers that you believe will guarantee you stable income and a comfortable life. You might indulge in luxury from time to time because you think in order to get the position you want at work you need to look the part. Ultimately it's your sheer stubbornness and spite that gets you all the way up to the top of the food chain.

The eleventh house of groups, friendships, humanitarianism, and social awareness is in your case in gemini. It tells me you value friendship extremely and you surround yourself with a diverse cast of friends, you couldn't mix your different friend groups if you tried and you have tried. You have the habit of being too friendly to everyone which makes you end up with more friends than you know what to do with. You are approachable but people can get the impression that you are putting up a show or a facade and your emotions arent genuine, it's not always the case but you need to be more truthful and assertive, put some boundaries and don't let people get away with shit you don't like. Your public persona is very well liked, seen as fun and bright and smart and overall a joy to be around.

Now that last placement... 12th house cancer, i have the same placement and babe I'm sorry for all the shit you have been through. You deserve the freedom to be unhappy and to express that unhappiness in healthy ways. You deserve to be given unconditional love and support no matter how many mistakes you say you have made no matter how overly pessimistic you are about yourself it doesn't matter you're amazing and i love you and you deserve the world.

With jupiter the planet of expansion in the 12th house of endings, spirituality, solitude and karma?! Gurl i did say u were a cult leader but i didn't think it was astrologically backed up rippp. But it also says you might have a hard time getting the motivation to finish things, you might take a long time to finish a project. This house placements also tells me you're amazing at writing emotional ass fantasy stories which by now we have confirmed, but if you have like, an original idea for a book don't hesitate to get it started babe bc u have a very promising placement for that. Don't get too dragged into a sad whirlpool of emotions and daydreams but bring your creative ideas to life and you'll be fine.

This is all I'm doing today and i think it's enough lol. I'm posting this I'm sorry to my followers for the long ass post I'll tag it so you can filter it. This was a whole psycho-astrological analysis of our favourite writer Hellspawn1975. I have wanted to study her like a new lizard species for a while and i finally got the chance thank you hella for the opportunity.

Final words to @hella1975 i hate you and I'll fuck ur mom tomorrow, gn babe <3

[justheretobreakthings]

Kings Over Aces - Chapter 8

(Previous Chapter)

Word Count: 3,994 (Total Word Count: 30,980) Read on AO3 My house, my rules, my ko-fi

Story Summary:

The Voltron Coalition has an alliance in the works with the resource-rich planet of Yuipra, and it’s the paladins’ job to keep on the king’s good side while the deal is made. That shouldn’t shouldn’t be too great a challenge; after all, they’ve courted plenty of planets before for the sake of alliances.

Unfortunately, things are made much more complicated when the king takes a special interest in Keith.

Fic content warning for attempted rape.

“Fancy a sparring partner?”

After one finishing blow to the training bot, Keith lifted an arm to wipe away the salty sweat dripping down his forehead into his eyes and turned on his heel toward the source of the voice, the bot evaporating in a puff behind him. Allura stood on the edge of the training deck, dressed in her pink armor and with her dormant bayard in her hand.

“Allura,” he said. “When, uh, when did you get here?”

“Just a few doboshes ago,” she answered. “But, I didn’t want to speak up until you finished off that bot, didn’t want to interrupt.” She tilted her head. “You all right there, Keith? You’re redder than usual. You haven’t been in here all morning, have you?”

Keith shrugged. “I was getting out of practice. Had to make up for it.”

“Mm.” A hint of a frown passed over the princess’s features, but she didn’t say anything more about it. “Well, if you still want to keep training, I’ll be happy to join you. You can catch your breath a bit if you’re sharing the load.”

Keith grimaced. “Actually, ah - ” He let his bayard return to his resting state in his hand. “I was just finishing up. The deck’s all yours.”

“I see. You’re certain you don’t want to do some light cooldown exercises? Better for your muscles that way.”

“Nah, I’m okay.” He rolled his shoulders back and started toward the exit. “Some other time.”

The frown on Allura’s face deepened, no longer just a hint. “I hope I didn’t put you out by interrupting here. If you want me to go, give you some more time on your own to train - ”

“Forget it, it’s fine,” Keith muttered.

He ducked his head as he stalked past her toward the door, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. It wasn’t a hard grip, and it was high enough on the arm to only be touching the sleeve of his tee shirt, not his skin, but he still had to bite back a wince at the sudden contact.

“Keith,” Allura said slowly. “You’re allowed to be angry at us, you know.”

Keith took a step back. “Hm?” he said, lifting his head to meet Allura’s earnest gaze.

“You’ve been keeping your distance from me, from all your teammates. And of course, I suppose that’s only natural, after… after everything. But I hope you don’t feel that you need to keep that distance up forever. We’ve all come so far, in becoming a team, you especially. I just would hate to see this mistake making all of that for naught. However severe a mistake it may have been.”

Keith said nothing, and after a few ticks of hesitation, Allura continued. “We’ve apologized, I know, but that’s still very little. And I know we’ve had talks with you before, about your, er, your volatility...”

“My temper,” Keith said flatly.

“Well, yes.” She took a deep breath. “And we’ve all noticed that you’ve been uncharacteristically… restrained, ever since returning from your evening in Yuipra. I just want to make sure you know, you don’t need to be holding back for our sake, not right now. It’s not healthy, and, well, you are perfectly within your rights to be angry with us.”

“...Yeah. I guess.”

“So I’ll understand if you, er - if you need to yell, if you need to snap. I’m glad that you’re finding an outlet, of course.” She gestured with a wave of her hand to the training deck around them. “But if there’s more that you need to let out, you’re free to. Better to have it in the open, yes?”

A pause reigned between them, Allura watching Keith with a furrowed brow and pursed lips, her posture stiff as though she were bracing herself to absorb the blow when Keith exploded. But instead, he finally sighed. “Look, Allura,” he said. “I was mad, okay? I was pissed off. I was mad that I came out to you all and you treated it as an inconvenience, I was mad that you made me do that stupid date training, I was mad as hell at the way Olren was treating me that whole night. But once I got chained to that goddamn bed, I was too busy being scared out of my fucking mind to be mad, and after it was all over? I was tired. I’m tired, Allura. I’m just tired. Don’t really think I’ve got the energy to be angry with everyone right now.” He shrugged. “Wouldn’t do any good to scream at you guys anyhow. It’s over.”

“Keith - ”

“I really don’t know what you want from me right now.” He ran a hand through his hair, grabbing at the ends when he reached them and tugging. “You’ve all said your piece, I’ve said mine, and I’m coping. So why are we talking about this?”

“I only - ” Allura swallowed. “I only want to ensure that you’re aware that we’re there for you. Your whole team is. And if there’s anything we can do to help get things back to normal, we’d be more than happy to.”

“Back to normal,” Keith repeated. “Like, back to the way things were before Yuipra? Or before I became the black paladin? Or before Voltron? Ship’s already sailed on all of them, Allura. And if you’re seriously suggesting that we try and pretend all this shit didn’t happen - ”

“No, stars, no, that’s not what I’m trying to say,” Allura said, looking properly aghast. “Of course I’m not suggesting that, we oughtn’t sweep anything under the rug. I meant - I only meant - ” With a sigh, she stepped back, leaning the back of her head against the wall, somehow still managing to regal despite the posture. “I only want to make things easier, however that happens. For our team’s sake. For your sake. And I don’t know how.”

Keith pursed his lips, crossing his arms.

“There have been plenty of times since our Voltron team began,” Allura continued softly, “When I just wished I could somehow magically undo everything. All the conflict, all the hard decisions we’ve made. All the wrong ones. Every instance when any of us ends up hurting. Of course, there’s not enough magic in the universe to manage that. And there’s no good to come of just wishing it.”

“If wishes were horses, beggars would ride,” Keith mumbled.

Allura quirked a brow at him. “What’s that?”

“Oh. Just some Earth expression. Shiro’s said it to me a couple of times, in the past.”

“But what does it mean?”

Keith shrugged. “No clue. Never asked. Just, you know, he says stuff like that so confidently, I tend to just kinda accept it. He’s pretty much got an endless supply of proverbs and stuff, they can’t all be winners.”

“I suppose… He’s worried about you too, you know,” said Allura.

“Shiro?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Figures. He’s always worried about me.” He paused then, tightening his arms where they were crossed over his chest. “He’s - he’s been different, hasn’t he. Ever since he came back.”

Allura hesitated. “Well, I imagine the stress of captivity takes a toll, and the strangeness of his role on the team changing. It’s understandable if he’s having some difficulty.”

“The other day,” Keith said softly, “He asked if I was okay, and I said yes. And he said, ‘good.’” Without conscious thought his thumb moved, beginning to make small circles against the curled knuckle of his index finger. “He never takes my word for it when I say I’m okay.”

“Were you okay?”

Keith didn’t answer, and Allura sighed. “Right. I suppose I should already know the answer.” She took another long, slow breath, before continuing, “Pidge told me that you mentioned feeling that you need a break from Voltron. Is Shiro part of that? Or is it just due to what happened on Yuipra?”

“It’s - it’s a lot of things. Yuipra, Shiro. Being Black Paladin. Just… a lot of things.”

“Do you think that perhaps you need more leisure time at the Castle? Or do you want to try refocusing your duties away from so much time spent on Coalition recruitment? Something else?”

He let another long pause pass between them before quietly answering, “I’ve, uh, I’ve been thinking - I’ve helped out on a couple of those Blade of Marmora missions, lately. I’m an official Blade, and I think I can be of more use to them.”

Allura’s brows shot up. “You’re thinking of switching to the Blade full-time?”

“We’ve got Shiro back now. I’m just thinking about where I’m probably most needed. And, well - ” He shrugged. “The Blade never has to worry about diplomacy.”

“And you’re - you’re certain you want to do this?”

“I haven’t made concrete plans or anything, but… I’ve been thinking about it. It seems like it could be a good option.”

“I… I see.” Allura’s brows pinched as she frowned pensively, and she continued slowly, as if she were carefully, individually, picking out each word. “I would be… disappointed, to see you go, as I’m sure your other teammates would be. Especially on unfavorable terms. But… if you decide it’s what would be best for you, I will support you. We owe you that much.”

“You guys don’t owe me anything,” Keith mumbled.

Allura smiled sadly at him. “That’s a charitable thing to say, Keith, but patently untrue. If anything - ”

She was cut off by a beep overhead, and they both looked up at the sound of Coran’s voice over the PA system. “Allura, to the bridge, if you will. We’re receiving a hail from Yuipra.”

Allura and Keith caught each other’s startled eyes before Allura pulled up the comm unit in the gauntlet of her armor. “Coran?” she said. “What is this in regards to, specifically?”

“Ah, erm.” Coran cleared his throat. “Apparently Yuipra wants to do some negotiating.”

“For the alliance? We’ve already messaged them, we could not have been clearer that we are no longer interested.”

“No, er, now they’re actually interested in, er… reparations.”

“They have got to be joking,” Allura whispered, before shutting the comm, turning on her heel, and marching out of the training deck.

Keith dropped his bayard, letting it lay where it fell, and hurried to catch up with her, matching her brisk pace as they set off down the hall together. Allura glanced warily toward him, but didn’t slow her step. “You don’t have to come, Keith,” she said.

“What, you don’t want to risk me going off on him?” Keith snapped.

“That’s not it. I simply meant, well, the last time you saw Olren, he was, er… I just imagine it’d be difficult for you to dredge that up. Are you sure you’d be all right, seeing him again? Hearing this?”

Keith nodded after only a brief moment’s hesitation. “I’m sure. Like hell am I gonna give him the satisfaction of knowing I’m hiding away from him.”

Allura pursed her lips thoughtfully before slowly replying, “If you’re certain.”

“Besides,” Keith added, “I’ll wanna be able to look him in the eyes while you all tell him where he can stick his reparation requests.”

They made it to the elevator that led to the bridge, having to pause and hold the door open at the sound of approaching footsteps that turned out to belong to Lance and Hunk. “You know, Coran only called me up to the bridge,” Allura said as they slid into the elevator.

“Yeah,” said Lance. “But he said it was Yuipra calling. Come on, you can’t expect us to just wait around for you to finish up to find out what they want. ‘Sides, if they’re calling to declare war on Voltron or something - ”

“They’re not,” Keith grunted. “It’s something about ‘reparations’.”

Lance’s brows shot up. “Wait, isn’t that, like, compensation? What the fuck do they think we need to compensate them for? They’re the ones who attacked Keith!”

Hunk sheepishly reached a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. “Well, uh, to be fair, I did shoot up a lot of the decorations in the palace when we were holding those guards off. You know, as distractions. And because, um, it just felt right…”

“They’re lucky we didn’t just smash the palace to pieces,” Lance said, crossing his arms.

The elevator door opened then, and they stepped out onto the bridge, Allura hurrying to join Coran at the control console. Shiro and Pidge had beaten them there, it seemed, as Shiro was already bent over the screen beside Coran, Pidge bouncing on tiptoes behind them to get a glimpse.

Coran was speaking to a monitor on the console. “It is hardly the time for us to be quibbling over - ” He paused and turned as Allura strode up beside him. “Ah, there you are.”

“Go ahead and move the call to the overhead monitor, Coran,” Allura said.

Coran glanced uncertainly back toward where the other paladins were joining the group on the bridge. “Are you sure we should all be here for this call?”

“It’s not like no one here knows what happened,” Keith said. “They can stay.”

“Erm, I was actually asking Allura to decide - ”

“It’s Keith’s call,” Allura said. “If he’s fine with the others joining, then so am I. Overhead monitor, Coran.”

“Right, of course.” And after a couple of taps on the console, the enormous holographic screen popped up, and Keith felt his blood race at the sight of the figure centered in the shot. King Olren appeared just as polished as ever, hair slick beneath his polished crown and cape perfectly aligned across his shoulders, golden guards standing half out of the frame on either side of him. But now, his face bore none of its old pretense of hospitality. His mouth was pressed to a firm line, jaw stiff, and his eyes were narrow and cold.

Last time Keith had seen those eyes, they had been boring into him lecherously, hungrily, ready to devour Keith whole. The memory of it made his skin crawl, and he shivered involuntarily, wishing he had made a detour to his room to grab his jacket before following Allura to the bridge.

A finger tapped against his arm, and he flinched away before seeing that it belonged to Hunk, who quickly yanked his hand back at Keith’s reaction. “Sorry,” Hunk whispered. “Just checking that you’re okay.”

Keith swallowed and nodded. “I’m fine,” he whispered back.

“Your highness,” Olren said as his eyes roved to Allura. His voice was low, direct.

“Olren,” Allura replied, and Olren scowled at the address. “We’ve already established that our dealings with your planet are over. Why have you contacted us?”

“I already informed your advisor as to the purpose of my call,” Olren said. “My palace’s staff has completed assessment at the damage done to our building, the art and artifacts therein, and the health of myself and several members of my royal guard.”

“Did they now,” Allura said flatly.

“I wouldn’t take such a flippant tone with me, Princess,” Olren said, his scowl deepening. “You cannot expect that your attack on my palace would be ignored. In addition to structural damage your paladins’ weapons caused to my entry hall and entire east wing, many of our furnishings sustained irreversible damage, several of which are of great historical significance and cannot be replaced. Additionally, members of my guard have sustained severe injuries due to your attack.”

“That’s an occupational hazard that they should have seen coming,” Allura said. “More importantly, I would hardly call what my paladins did an ‘attack’. They had every reason and right to defend one of their own, whom you assaulted and violated in the first place.”

“Ah, yes, your red paladin,” Olren said. His eyes roamed along the bridge to find Keith, and when they landed on him, he could feel ice forming in his gut. “A pity, that things had to end between us the way they did. Especially when we could have had such a fortuitous alliance. Don’t make the mistake of thinking I was not hurt by your repudiation, Keith.” He clicked his tongue. “We would have been beautiful together, you know.”

Keith’s vision of the king was blocked as Hunk suddenly stepped in front of him, arm out to hide him entirely from Olren’s predatory gaze. Even though Keith couldn’t see Hunk’s face, the set of his shoulders and the redness climbing up his neck spoke to just how pissed he was.

He wasn’t the only one. Pidge managed to dodge around Coran to slam her hands against the console and snarl up at Olren. “Oh my god, don’t fucking talk to him like you’re a couple who had a bad breakup! You tried to rape him! You’re a fucking monster and you know what, we can turn this castle ship around right now and - ”

“Now, now, Pidge,” Coran said, putting his hand on her shoulder. “We’re not going back to Yuipra. Not to attack, and certainly not to compensate for any ‘damages’ they claim.”

“We are more than entitled to recompense for the damage you’ve done!” Olren snapped. “The appraised monetary cost of material damages to my palace probably nears the value of your entire castle. And that’s not even accounting for bodily damages - ”

“To be frank, your majesty,” Shiro spoke up, the regal address dripping with sarcasm, “There is absolutely no damage Voltron possibly could have inflicted on you and your palace that could even come close to what you tried to do to Keith.”

Olren scoffed. “Either you are simply horrifically naive as to the worth of myself, my palaces, and my resources, or you absurdly overestimate the value of your paladin’s virginity.”

“Ex-fucking-scuse you?!” Pidge cried, as Shiro let out a wordless splutter of indignation and Keith began to shake. Whether out of anxiety or fury, he couldn’t say.

“That is quite enough,” Allura said. “Voltron owes you nothing. Keith owes you nothing. And if you are even incapable of speaking of him with some semblance of decency - ”

“You owe me plenty! You assaulted me in my own home, in my own private chambers! One of your little paladins rendered an indefensible attack on my person which my palace’s healer assures me very nearly left me impotent!”

“Only nearly?” Lance said. “Shit, sorry, I’ll kick harder next time.”

Olren ground his teeth as he glowered down at the paladins. “You are playing a dangerous game, paladins of Voltron. You have given up a partnership that could very easily turn the tides of a war. None of Yuipra’s own allies would dare provide any help to you either, not after we inform them how the Voltron Coalition has treated us.”

Keith’s own jaw set as his blood reached its boiling point, and with a deep breath, he stepped out from behind Hunk. “We don’t need your alliance,” he said, fighting to keep his voice steady and sharp. “We don’t need you. And if this is how you form alliances, I’m betting it won’t take much convincing for your ‘allies’ to side with Voltron.”

Olren’s lips curled, his shark-like smile looking more grotesque than ever when paired with the deadly look in his eyes. “I wouldn’t be so quick to make threats like that, boy. If we decide to take you seriously - ”

“Then once we’re done with the Galra Empire, we’ll know who to take down next.”

“You insolent little - ”

“We are finished here,” Allura cut him off, striding up to the control console. “On behalf of the Voltron Coalition, I would like to state with the utmost clarity that we have no desire to conduct any further dealings with you and your planet, and inform you that any effort you take to go on the offensive against us will be met with resistance and retaliation.” She glanced over her shoulder toward Keith before returning her gaze to Olren. “And on behalf of my paladin, I would like to invite you to take your demands for reparations, and shove them up your arse.”

She shut off the screen before Olren could respond, and brought her hands up to cover her mouth. “Oh, that was so inappropriate to say,” she said softly. “Oh, ancients, that was so undignified…”

“Nah, it was great,” Lance said, striding up to her and giving her a hearty slap on the back. “Sure as hell was a lot more dignified than what I would’ve suggested for him.”

“The nerve of that guy,” Pidge growled. “If I ever see that fucker in person ever again, a hard kick in the nads is gonna seem like a spa day in comparison.”

Keith let out a shaky breath and hugged his arms around his middle. “Hey, uh,” he said. “What he said, about having Yuipra go up against the Coalition - ”

“Not to worry, Number Four,” Coran said. “I can guarantee it’s an empty threat. Siding against the Voltron Coalition would make them appear to be on the side of the Empire, and the other planets in their sector would never stand for that. Definitely wouldn’t be worth their while to risk something like that.”

“Good,” Keith sighed. “Just, God, if a whole other war started over this - ”

“It won’t,” Shiro said. “That’s one thing you won’t have to worry about.”

“Quite right,” said Coran. “Our fight is with the Empire alone, just like always. And even if that changed, I assure you, we would stand by you, until the end.”

“Thanks,” Keith mumbled.

Allura turned away from the console, starting toward the bridge’s center. “For now we should work to put Yuipra behind us,” she said. “Yes, we didn’t get the Yuipran alliance, but we understand now that we didn’t need it, not as badly as we had thought. There are other planets we can look toward to join our Coalition, and we’re going to need to get back to it. The sooner we start looking into new alliances, the better.”

“Of course,” Shiro said with a nod. “Should we start making plans to resume diplomatic efforts?”

“Coran and I will need to begin correspondence with some new planetary representatives to determine where specifically we’ll need to visit and what tactics we’ll need to employ, but yes, we should. In the meantime, I believe we can resume group training this evening. We may not be making attack plans toward the Empire at this precise moment, but that’s no reason to get complacent.”

The other paladins murmured their assent, and Allura turned to Keith. “Keith,” she said. “Are you, er… how are you holding up?”

“Fine,” he said automatically. At her skeptical look, he amended, “I mean, relatively. Fine as could be expected, after, um…” He gestured toward the front of the bridge where the holographic screen had been.

Allura nodded. “Understandable. Well, you are free to join us in training this evening, and in our diplomacy efforts once we begin them. Or you are free to sit them out, if you need the time. Whatever you decide, I’ll support you. We’ll support you. No matter what.” Her gaze was intense as she spoke, the weight of her words clear.

“Allura?” Shiro said. “Are you, uh, getting at something?”

“That’s not really for me to - ”

“Yeah,” Keith interrupted. “Yeah, she is.” He took a deep breath. The others were all gathered here, all ready to defend and support him. And he was grateful for that, he truly was. Grateful for the anger they’d shown toward Olren on his behalf, grateful for their efforts to make things right.

But he still needed time. He wasn’t ready yet to fully move past what had happened, and he needed the space to do so on his own terms.

And now seemed as good a time as any to tell them that.

“I’ve… been doing some thinking,” Keith said. “About what I need to be doing right now, and where I need to be. And, um, well - we need to talk…”

[katzuyas]

read on ao3

"This one looks nice," Phichit says from where he's sprawled over Chris' back and looking over his shoulder at the intricate picture of a sea glass vase Chris has pulled up on his laptop.

"It's green," Chris replies as if that explains everything, and skips to the next one.

"So what? It's perfect! Go back," Phichit tells him and Chris' finger hits the back button with a click. The green vase is full screen again and Phichit gives a content hum. "Look at it. So pretty."

"They have nothing green in their flat, though. It's going to stand out too much," Chris says and skips back a few times to a blue vase they saw earlier. "Now, this one? That's perfect. And it matches Victor's eyes."

"But that will just blend in and become invisible," Phichit argues. "It's better to have some pop of colour to keep the life exciting, don't you think?"

He pokes Chris' cheek with a finger.

Trophée de France has just come to an end with a gold around Chris' neck and a bronze on Phichit, and they have found themselves locked in Chris' hotel room two hours before the banquet, desperately searching for a housewarming present for their best friends who are throwing a party in about a week – a day after the Rostelecom Cup. Time is of the essence, but as far as presents go it's obligatory that best friends need to give the best ones – that's just common sense.

It's also the source of their dilemma.

"Their apartment is in shades of white, light blue and gray," Chris insists, turning his head to Phichit. "It'd be just as bad as wanting to give them a red one. It'll clash with everything, and Victor will put it in the basement, and we'll have wasted the money and effort on it."

"Are you insinuating I have no sense of style?" Phichit asks. He lifts off Chris' back and looks down at him through narrowed eyes. "That I can't pick a gift both useful and pretty for my best friend's housewarming party?"

"You said it, not me," Chris says as he turns back to the screen. It's not really an disagreement against what Phichit has said, which has Phichit's dark eyes only darken more in the anger that begins to simmer in his veins. "But look, Yuuri's favourite colour is blue, isn't it? It'd be nicer to get it in blue."

"Just because he likes blue doesn't mean he wants to have everything in blue. Oh my god, are you a child?" Phichit gives an annoyed huff. He gets off the bed, walks around it and takes his bag of toiletries out of his suitcase just to have something to do with the nasty energy suddenly coursing through his body. "There is such a thing as knowing when too much is too much, you know. Going matchy matchy isn't always a good thing."

"So, according to you, a green vase in a predominantly gray, white and blue-toned space isn't too much?"

Chris lifts an eyebrow at Phichit, ridiculously calm and collected, as if he knows he is right and he's only waiting for Phichit to blow up. It only serves to have Phichit's jaw clench to hold back a snarky response. He doesn't want to argue, he doesn't want to–

"Darling, we really need to talk about your taste," Chris adds, and that is the last straw.

Phichit rears his head fast and hard, like a horse that's about to trample up a body into a bloody mess.

"Yeah, we clearly do, because I'm dating you," he spits. "What would I know about taste?"

Chris looks stricken for one precious second, during which Phichit bathes in momentary triumph. The feeling goes away as soon as Chris' face darkens, though. He sits up on the bed with a scowl that means business, and for a brief second Phichit regrets his words. But as soon as Chris opens his mouth again, all thoughts of regret fly out of Phichit's head.

"Are we resorting to insults now?" Chris asks, poised calm that is a front and a lie, and they both know it.

"You started it," Phichit bites back.

"I started it?" Chris asks, incredulous. "You called me a child!"

"And you said I have no sense of style!" Phichit points out, jabbing a finger in Chris' general direction. "Or taste! How is that not starting it?"

"I didn't mean it like that and you know it," Chris defends. "Don't put meaning behind my words that I didn't put there myself."

"Well, that's how I heard it," Phichit says and it comes out far more aggressive than he means.

Chris' mouth sets in a firm line and Phichit can clearly see the moment his teeth bite down on the words he wants to speak, because a muscle jumps in Chris' jaw in a manner that is oddly endearing, and doubly as hot. The air around them gets warmer, but it isn't just warmth – it's passion, and fire, and heat of attraction that Phichit can't deny he feels when he looks at Chris' stone-hard anger.

"Just because you think you heard me say something, doesn't mean I actually said it," Chris says then, voice dripping deadly quiet.

He's one of those people who go cold in their rage instead of becoming the centre of the solar flare outbursts, like Phichit himself is prone to. And it shows. It shows, because the calm on Chris' face awakens something in Phichit, brings his blood to a boil.

"I don't think I heard you, I did hear you. Because you said it! Don't deny it now!"

"Well I didn't mean it how you understood it, then," Chris presses once again. "And you'd know it, if you only thought about it before speaking."

There's a thrum in Phichit's veins, a buzz under his skin. He needs to move, spend this weird energy in a healthy way, or he'll do something he's going to regret. Like punch a wall and wear a cast for the unforeseeable future, or worse – kick the bed and sprain his toes or ankle or both, and fuck up his skating for the next weeks, which were crucial if he wanted to get to the Grand Prix Final.

Without thinking much more, he snaps into action and walks away from the bed.

"Where are you going?"

Chris scrambles off the bed to follow him and Phichit turns only to tell him that he can't be here anymore if he wants to be whole and keep skating, but all words freeze on his tongue when he meets Chris' gaze.

Green isn't usually a very cold colour, but when Phichit looks into Chris' eyes then, it might as well be. He looks... he looks...

Phichit takes a breath, but the words slip out of his mouth before he can even think about it.

"Fuck, you look so hot when I'm angry at you."

Chris doesn't look surprised at it at all, which makes Phichit think he must have been thinking something similar, but he can't really focus on Chris' motivations anymore. The way Chris' curls sweep across his forehead... his arms uncross from his chest showing off his strong shoulders and biceps... his jaw muscles move when he forcibly unclenches his teeth... Phichit's mind is in the gutter and falls, falls hard to the very bottom of it without any chance of salvation.

Chris walks up to him with quick decisive steps and grabs the back of Phichit's head none too gently to bring his face up. His eyes are still glazed with ice and it is a thrill that Phichit never expected to feel.

"We're going to talk about this later," Chris says in a tone that allows for no arguments.

Phichit doesn't reply, not that would if he could, the lexicon of his vocabulary narrows down to 'fuck', 'he's hot', 'ah shit', and 'I want him' and it's all that seems to be running through his mind then and there. With his tongue tied, he can't say much, but words (or the lack thereof) have never stopped Phichit Chulanont from doing what he wanted, and so he does it once more – he lifts onto the tips of his toes and presses his mouth hard against Chris', who doesn't need to be invited twice and drags him back to the bed.

There's nothing gentle about it: they tear the clothes off each other, pull on collars and waistbands, bite into skin where the lips miss. Phichit hears his shirt rip somewhere along the hem when Chris tugs on it to pull him into another kiss, but he can't care. His own finger catches in a zipper of Chris' jeans and he gives a little hiss that Chris swallows with his mouth firmly pressed to Phichit's.

They're tired from skating, yes, a burn of overworked muscles is a constant reminder with every single move they make, but the heat that crawls over their skin is more pressing, more insistent, and when they give into it, it's not difficult to forget about the other aches of their body and give into one – the ache of being joined into one.

On all fours, Phichit pants into the sheets while Chris' teeth mark the back of his neck and down his shoulders. The heavy press of the erection that is so close to being in him, but still not there is driving him mad.

"Fuck me already," Phichit nearly growls. He needs it. The release, the outlet for the energy that has built up in his body.

He bucks against Chris and the dark growl he gets in return sets him on fire all over again. Chris's arm slides around his hips and the thick girth rubs between his ass cheeks, but it's only more of the same teasing.

"Chris–" Phichit warns, but his voice is gone with a gasp when Chris' hand grips his length and squeezes.

Stars burst along Phichit's vision, but the heavy heat that pulses between his legs keeps him from drifting into space. He's grounded by the steady jerking of Chris' wrist, yet it's not enough. He bites his lip, groaning in frustration at the back of his throat.

"Fuck me," he grits out. He tries to buck into Chris' dick again, but Chris' free hand bites into his hip so hard, Phichit is sure it'll bruise. Good. "Chris, you fucking cocktease, if you don't fuck me this instant I'm getting dressed and leaving, and you can die of blueballs for all I care."

He throws a glare over his shoulder, but it helps him none. Chris looks down at him with a dark look in his eyes that are no less cold than they were before.

"At least they'd be blue, not green," he says.

Phichit forgets to breathe when he registers that Christophe Giacometti is talking about a fucking vase while his dick is rubbing against Phichit's balls, and he gives an angry snarl. He shifts with the intension of getting up, but Chris' big hand pushes between his shoulder blades and Phichit lands with his face in the sheets instead. He glares up at Chris, who braces his hand next to Phichit's head after tangling his fingers in his hair. The pull of it hurts Phichit's neck, but he says nothing about it, because Chris thrusts his hips and his dick slips between Phichit's thighs.

It's a little raw, a bit uncomfortable, since there is nothing to lessen the friction of skin on skin, but it's still feels good. Too good to consider the consequences.

"Squeeze your legs, damnit," Chris pants above him, and Phichit follows the order – not because he was told to, but because Chris' cold mask breaks when he clenches his thighs around his dick. "Merde..."

Merde is right, Phichit thinks while Chris' dick rubs against his balls with each thrust. Chris' other hand that stilled on Phichit's own dick before now tightens again and the warmth and pressure feel heavenly along with the hard ramming of Chris' hips. Phichit's close to release, he can feel the telling warmth that grows in his abdomen, but Chris' groans grow in volume too, so he's sure he isn't far off himself.

It's now or never, he thinks, when a brilliant idea comes to his mind.

"Whoever comes first loses," he challenges between moans.

Chris' eyes glean over for a brief second, and then he bites: "Fine."

With even more vigour, Chris rams into Phichit while his hand begins to work his dick once more, and it feels like too much, too soon, like he's going to lose for sure, but Phichit clenches his teeth and his ass, and the muscles in highs thighs bunch up into a hardness that makes Chris mewl. He bows over Phichit and comes with a cry that he muffles by biting into Phichit's shoulder.

Phichit yelps, but it rolls into a moan when Chris' hand unconsciously squeezes his dick, and it sends him over the edge as well.

They slump together afterwards, spent and panting, but they refuse to look at each other. Sex between them was never awkward, not even when they were drunk enough to fumble with zippers and miss kisses by a mile. Now, however, it's more than awkward; it's tense and heavy and Phichit hates it.

"Let's take the blue one," he says finally when the quiet begins to chill his skin enough to shiver.

Chris huffs out a breath, which sounds like it contains the remainder of his resistance.

"No, it's fine," Chris says. "I lost, so we'll get the green one."

Phichit turns to look at him, but Chris is avoiding his gaze. He's facing the ceiling while his chest heaves heavy breaths, still. The fight drains out of Phichit's bones along with the last warmth of the orgasm, and he sighs before sitting up on one elbow. He gently reaches for Chris' cheek

"I'm sorry I said all of that," he says. "I just... I wanted the green one because it reminded me of your eyes."

Said eyes widen now, and then return to normal, yet not fully: they're softer now, warmer, and Phichit feels a bit silly about not admitting to it before everything went out of control.

"You should've told me that sooner," Chris says back.

Phichit only gives him a sheepish smile. He doesn't get to apologize again, because it's Chris' turn, apparently.

"I'm sorry, too," Chris says. He takes Phichit's hand and kisses the centre of his palm. "I shouldn't have said all of that either. You have fabulous taste and I never meant to insult it."

Phichit narrows his eyes at him. "Are you saying that now because I complimented your eyes or do you really mean it?"

The little smile that curls at the corner of Chris' mouth is both adorable and teasing, and Phichit slaps a hand over it with a groan.

"You're awful," he complains.

"Mmmphm," Chris says into his palm and Phichit tentatively pulls back his hand to allow him to repeat himself: "I love you, too."

Phichit slams his hand back down before he fluidly rolls off the bed. With his back to Chris he can hide his blush, but he can't hide the happy beating of his heart from himself. It doesn't matter, though. Not because Chris doesn't care, but because a kiss is pressed to the small of Phichit's back and Chris' arms wrap around his waist from behind. Warm breath in the dip of his spine makes Phichit shiver.

"We're going to be late to the banquet if we don't shower right now," Phichit says.

Chris nuzzles his cheek against the bare expanse of Phichit's back. His stubble is a little scratchy against Phichit's skin, but it doesn't feel bad. It doesn't feel bad at all. Actually, it feels rather nice...

Phichit takes a deep breath and steps out of Chris' arms.

"Shower. Now," Phichit says. He's by the bathroom door when he realizes Chris has not moved from the bed and he looks back. "You coming? Or should I find something else pretty and green to occupy myself with in there?"

Chris clicks away on the laptop for a second longer and then stands up and strolls over with a grace of someone who knows he's hot and the confidence of a guy who just got laid and was going to get some again soon. Phichit almost snorts.

He does snort when Chris stops next to him and cocks a hip out with an added eyebrow wiggle that makes it utterly impossible to stay serious.

"Ordered the vase," Chris says. "You can't expect a gold medallist working for free like that, so... what do I get for my hard work?"

"A face full of ass," Phichit replies, turns back and slaps a hand on his bare ass before he saunters into the bathroom.

He catches the gobsmacked look on Chris' face in the mirror right as it turns into delight, and he can't help his own laughter: they truly are a pair of dummies.

(Chris gets the promised face full of ass later that night when he eats Phichit out so devoutly that Phichit swears they need to argue more often, because if that is the treatment he gets out of it, then he's more than happy to suffer through a few minutes of being upset.)

(For that Chris makes him come two more times and by the time they falls asleep Phichit isn't so sure anymore.)

(Next morning he wakes up to Chris' mouth around his dick, milking him dry, and he's sure again... but then he realizes that truly, with Chris nothing ever is certain and that's what he loves about him the most: the uncertainty, the excitement and the adventure.)

[ofsvges]

cailin russo. cisfemale. she/her.  ／  sage morrissey just pulled up blasting girl anachronism by the dresden dolls— that song is so them! you know, for a twenty-three year old singer/songwriter / AGT judge, i’ve heard they’re really -cavalier, but that they make up for it by being so +self-reliant. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say lipstick-stained cigarette butts, irreverent lyrics screamed into a microphone, and neon lights reflected on pavement. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble! ( cailin russo, kiiara, & the dresden dolls/amanda palmer vc )

hello angels it’s ya girl lainie w my Edgy gay daughter !! i haven’t played her in a hot minute n i’m so.....excited come hmu for plots or like this and i’ll come @ u. also this got rly long i feel like so i apologize in advance yfteygrhujs

tws for: death, drug use/abuse, minor mention of/allusion to child abuse

so FIRST of all, sage is marnie’s half-sister; when their dad left marnie’s mom, it was because the other woman he was seeing in secret--sage’s mom--had already had a kid two years ago, and he was just narcissistic and gross enough to decide at that point that he didn’t wanna deal with kids from marnie’s mom too, thus leaving her to fend for herself while he finally prioritized (if that’s what you want to call it) sage and her mom. sage had no idea growing up that somewhere else in new york, her father--whom she hated--had an entire family he’d chosen to neglect in favor of making sage’s and her own mother’s lives hell.

he was an angry, aggressive person, and though he'd never done more than squeeze sage’s arm too hard when he was mad, he often threatened to, and the way he screamed at her was traumatizing. the whole thing scared the hell out of her when she was little and she developed a deep loathing for him because of that and because of the way he treated her mother. it was just wildly misogynistic and demeaning and even as a kid sage felt it in her bones that it was wrong.

he passed away when she was eight years old and it fucked sage up big time. not because she loved or missed him, but because she felt relieved. she was glad, and it scared the shit out of her to realize she could feel that way about her own father's death. for a long time it caused huge internal conflict and sage spent her teenage years acting out; she was having sex and doing drugs at a young age, ditching classes, doing dumb shit and running from the cops, etc etc. meanwhile her dad hadn’t left them much money and her mom was estranged from her own parents, leaving her to work two jobs and deal with sage’s rebellion on her own. 

she’d been teaching herself to play guitar since she was eight and piano since she was eleven and in high school, sage’s teenage angst and inner demons finally pushed her to start writing music as a coping mechanism and outlet. it wasn’t until she was twenty, however, that a girl she was dating got her to start putting that music online; long story short, she got discovered on youtube, had a huge first hit with her single “gold” (kiiara), another with her second single “pink sand” (cailin russo), and the debut album itself went platinum. she’s grown up a lot since high school but still retains that rebellious fuck-you aesthetic and is known for the biting sarcastic wit of her lyrics and the chaotic way her sound jumps from one style to another. like her Pop music is the kiiara and cailin stuff and her more irreverent (and probably less popular) stuff is the dresden dolls/amanda palmer stuff. they’re all mixed up together on the two albums she’s released which i have yet to sort out yfgdhjs

she laughed so fuckingugyfsegdhus hard when she got asked to be an agt judge this season but then she did it ??? and she gets such a kick out of it. she’s so ruthless but like. ya girl keeps it real

she doesn’t do hard drugs anymore; she did two stints in rehab, once when she was 19 and then again at 21, and the second time it actually stuck. she smokes a huge amount of weed so she can be kind of spacey but it rly just....keeps her grounded oddly enough. part of it ofc is that she still hasn’t fully healed from everything with her dad--and then finding out about his second family--but she’d never admit that and has talked about it in interviews MAYBE once very vaguely.

big top energy

she can come off like kind of a pretentious bitch but like she’s actually not tsyyeguhs lowkey she’s v non judgmental and chill she just like. has an attitude sometimes idk. she’s extremely extremely independent, doesn’t like relying on other people, needs to feel like she’s in control of her own life. i see her having had problems with record labels bc of that

overall she’s a rly good friend if she’s invested in the relationship but if she gets annoyed or starts catching the wrong vibes she’s pretty quick to cut someone out of her life. some of that is an actual maturity where she’s able to do what she needs to do for herself to be emotionally healthy, but part of that is also a defense mechanism and can end up ruining relationships that could have been fixed

also she’s very close to her mom now (they had problems when she was a teenager but after her second time in rehab, they put the effort into healing the relationship through a lot of therapy) and takes care of her now so she doesn’t have to work. there’s some part of her that feels like she needs to make up for what her dad did and tries to make her mom’s life as comfortable and luxurious and stress free as possible. her mom is a cute supportive twitter mom getting excited about sage’s music

connection ideas

music collabs!!! pls!!! and people she’s toured with maybe?? gimme all that stuff

a past pr relationship from when she was still newer to this whole Fame thing and thought it was a good idea, but it probably just ended rly badly bc eventually sage was like ???? lmao no

a good influence ! somebody who’s always there encouraging her to stay off the hard stuff and do her best :(

also a bad influence i love angst

someone SHE’S a bad influence on. either in the past w hard drugs or currently where it’s just like......they’re too soft for how wild and blunt and controversial sage tends to be

ex girlfriends thank u. also maybe a........guy she dated in hs before she came out. it would be so soft if they were rly good friends now 

fwb, ewb, one night stands that turned angsty (or not), literally anything along those lines

her RIDE OR DIE she would literally do anything for and would probably be her roommate too

[soflsms]

   ( sorry  I'm  late  to  the  party  im  in  pst  so  i  was  at  work  til  now  sdkfjl )  ANYWHO  hi  pals  what  the  h*ck  is  up  !!  im  chloe  ,  im  21  ,  i  use  she / her  pronouns  &  im  a  broke  a$$  geography  major  !!   i  am  SO  excited  to  be  her  &  get  to  rp  with  all  y’all  bc  judging  by  your  apps  skdflj  i  fuck  with  u  all  .  anywho  ill  stop  my  rambling  ,  below  the  readmore  is  stuff  about  sofie  &  some  wcs !!  

trigger  warning  !!  sex  work  ,  deportation  ,  neglect  ,  bad  writing  ,  alcoholism  &  substance  abuse

HAILEY BALDWIN  /  SHE/HER  /  TWENTY TWO  /  BILLIE EILISH VC

welcome to los angeles , sofie almeda ! the glitterati has been watching you . rumour has it you made your first mark in the industry two years ago & that your net worth currently stands at  8m . it seems as though you’re enjoying being a  singer since relocating from  harlem , new york city . some might say you’d be a good fit for the glitterati due to your hollywood ranking being a solid  #3, & it helps that fans speak so highly of your  individualistic & assiduous ways . unfortunately , our sources cite that those closest to you aren’t particularly impressed with your  self-destructive & choleric tendencies .

stats

name  :   sofie sydney almeda

nicknames  :   sof

age  :  twenty - two  .

birthday  :  december  eleventh  .

zodiac  :  sagittarius  .

gender  :  cisfemale  (  though  doesn’t  vibe  with  the  idea  of  being  STRICTLY  a  WoMaN  ,  she  finds  labels  restrictive  )  .

pronouns  :  she    &    her  .

height  :  5 ′ 6 ″  .

hometown  :    recife  ,  brazil  &  harlem  ,  new  york  city  .

nationality  :  american  ,  brazilian  .

ethnicity  :  english  ,  portuguese   .

label(s)  :  the  venereal  ,  the  bellwether  ,  the  opulent  ,   the  anaxiphile   .

occupation  :  singer  (  vc  billie  eilish  )  .  

quirks  :  fidgeting  ,  allergic  to  shellfish  ,  walks  quickly  ,  cracks  knuckles  ,  always  wears  her  lucky  ‘  st  christopher  ’  necklace  from  her  grandmother  ,  has  a  weird  ability  to  talk  herself  out  of  trouble  ,  can  tie  a  cherry  stem  in  her  mouth  ,  messy  emotionally  but  on - point  physically  ,  vvv  bad  driver  ,  loves  a  good  theme  party  ,  can’t  get  through  the  day  without  multiple  cups  of  coffee  ,  refuses  to  wear  glasses  in  public  even  though  she’s  quite  far - sighted  ,  always  carries  hand  sanitizer ,  prefers  rain  over  sunshine  .

background

         her  mother  ,  marcia  almeda  ,  was  a  recent  graduate  from  secondary  school  who  packed  a  backpack  and  went  traveling !! before  long  tho  she  ended  up  knocked  up  by  another  backpacker  ,  this  one  american  ,  while  they  were  having  a  fling  in  sydney  (  hence  sofie’s  middle  name  lmao  @  her  mom’s  humor  )  .  she  flew  back  home  when  she  found  out  &  never  told  sofie’s  father  oops !! so  marcia  had  sofie  at  home  in  recife  just  before  her  nineteenth  birthday  ,  and  marcia  was  enthralled  w  little  sofie  .  ofc  she  inherited  her  mother’s  beauty  (  i  hc  marcia  looks  like  alessandra  ambrosio  bc  hello !  )  &  little  sofie  lived  a  happy  early  childhood  life  in  her  grandparents’  home  in  recife.

         brazil  isn’t  the  safest  of  countries  &  marcia  didn’t  want  the  same  dangers  she  experienced  growing  up  for  her  young  daughter  ,  so  around  sofie’s  eighth  birthday  ,  her  &  her  mother  packed  up  and  went  on  a  ‘ trip  ’  to  new  york  city  .  joke’s  on  sofie  ,  though  -  it  wasn’t  actually  a  trip  ,  but  rly  they  were  trying  to  move  there  to  find  sofie’s  father  to  confirm  his  paternity  and  get  sofie  american  citizenship  .  it  was  proving  more  difficult  than  she  thought  ,  &  marcia  was  quickly  running  out  of  money  .  with  a  face  like  hers  ,  though  ,  making  money  wasn’t  too  difficult  ,  but  it  was  time  consuming  .  marcia  found  herself  escorting  older  men  in  order  to  pay  the  bills  ,  all  the  while  leaving  little  sofie  to  fend  for  herself  .  some  of  her  earliest  memories  are  of  strange  men  in  their  tiny  apartment  &  sofie  trying  to  block  out  their  conversations  with  her  lil  cassette  player  hiding  in  the  corner  of  her  room  .  eventually  ,  marcia  was  able  to  contact  the  father  &  they  set  up  a  meeting  .  sofie  had  gotten  her  hopes  up  that  she  would  finally  have  a  dad  (  she  got  dressed  up  in  her  sunday  best  &  everything  bc  reuniting  her  dad  was  a  BIG  deal  ) ,  but  the  meeting  ended  up  being  a  quick  exchange  of  words  ,  a  mouth  swab  and  a  couple  signatures  .  sofie  never  even  learned  his  name  ,  & this  queued  up  a  lifetime  of  daddy  issues  &  distrust  of  men  !!

        while  marcia  was  able  to  stay  in  america  much  longer  than  she  was  legally  supposed  to  ,  eventually  she  was  facing  deportation  ,  which  meant  lil  sofie  ,  with  her  citizenship  finally  confirmed  ,  was  put  into  the  hands  of  her  father  who  sent  off  to  an  american  boarding  school  in  new  york  without  even  contacting  her  .  she  would  spend  the  summers  in  brazil  with  her  mother  or  ,  as  she  got  older  ,  couch - surfing  with  different  friends  throughout  the  months  .  she  started  growing  apart  from  her  mother  as  she  aged  since  she  wasn’t  going  home  every  summer  since  she  didn’t  rly  feel  any  connection  to  brazil  .  her  grandfather  had  passed  away  &  she  only  has  faint  memories  grandmother  ,  plus  the  city  wasn’t  at  all  familiar  to  her  &  she  wasn’t  practicing  her  portuguese  after  her  mother  returned  to  brazil  .

         through  it  all  ,  music  was  proving  to  be  the  one  constant  in  her  life  she  could  use  to  escape  from  reality  .  she  had  never  done  any  training  or  classes  ,  but  she  just  liked  singing  along  to  whatever  was  on  the  radio  & practicing  on  her  own  .  she  also  found  a  passion  for  writing  poetry  which  she  later  would  realize  was  compatible  with  music  .  she  would  spend  HOURS  in  the  school  library  working  on  garage  band  lmfao  bc  she  couldn’t  afford  her  own  laptop  to  produce  music  &  her  dad  sent  just  enough  money  as  he  was  legally  supposed  to  .  but  she  worked  her  lil  tushy  off  &  applied  to  a  music  academy  in  nyc  &  was  rejected  the  first  year  (  DEVASTATING  when  mixed  with  her  impostor  syndrome  &  daddy  issues ) but  she  practiced  more  &  more  &  edned  up  getting  accepted  the  next  year  .  here  ,  she  worked  on  her  vocal  skills  &  music  production  ,  &  started  accumulating  her  own  music  &  selling  songs  to  music  producers  on  the  side  for  some  ca$h  money  .  

          by  the  time  she  was  16  the  state  decided  she  was  old  /  mature  enough  to  live  on  her  own  so  she  got  a  TINY  lil  studio  apartment  in  harlem  where  she’d  grown  up  with  her  mum  &  she  had  friends  who  she’d  grown  up  with  .  while  it  wasn’t  the  safest  neighbourhood  statistically  sofie  felt  safe  &  just  like  one  of  the  neighbourhood  kids  .  it  was  the  first  time  she  genuinely  felt  like  she  belonged .

        she  was  accepted  on  full  scholarship  to  nyu  & majored  in  music  composition  &  vocal  performance  where  she  started  finally  feeling  secure  in  herself  &  released  her  own  music  on  soundcloud  ,  quickly  amassing  a  following  &  becoming  an  ‘ up  &  coming ‘  artist  !!  she  was  contacted  by  a  scooter  braun  type  guy  who  was  interested  in  taking  her  on  under  his  management  so  she  dropped  out  of  uni  in  her  2nd  year  (  bc  tbh  her  grades  in  anything  other  than  her  music  classes  were  v  subpar  )  .  soon  enough  producers  wanted  to  work  with  her  &  she  was  making  enough  that  she  didn’t  have  to  sell  her  songs  which  she  hated  doing  but  had  to  pay  the  bills  u  know  .  oh  &  her  vc  is  billie  eilish  bc  ofc  shes  my  queen  go  stream  when  we  all  fall  asleep  where  do  we  go  on  spotify  u  won’t  be  disappointed  

        she  also  started  getting  into  the  partying  scene  here  yikes  !! it  was  a  method  for  her  to  numb  all  her  pain  from  her  past  &  impostor  syndrome  &  drown  all  that  out  in  pills  or  tequila  .  it  rly  wasn’t  healthy  bc  of  how  she  would  binge  for  a  weekend  then  try  to  stay  sober  throughout  the  week  but  failing  by  about  wednesday when  she  started  to  feel  hollow  .  she  wasn’t  gonna  be  a  one  hit  wonder  &  her  mom  sure   as  hell  didn’t  go  through  all  that  trouble  just  for  sofie  to  be  a  nobody  addict  !! so  she  kept  it  together  enough  to  start  making big  bucks  & well  …….  here  she  is  :~)

personality

        sofie  blames  it  on  her  brazilian  heritage  but  this  bitch  loves  a  party  !!  like  shes  the  one  who  gets  happy drunk  at  the  pre  then  is  the  first  on  the  dance  floor  then  later  falls  out  of  the  club  &  into  some  rando’s  bed !!  in  the  back  of  her  mind  she  knows  her  drug  &  alcohol  use  is  self - destructive  but  she  figures  shes  allowed  to  let  loose  sometimes (  even  if  that  ends  up  being  most  nights  )  ;  rly  she’s  just  in  denial  bc  she  doesn’t  want  to  change  her  ways  &  lose  her  identity  !!

        doesn’t  put  labels  on  her  gender  identity  or  sexual orientation  .  she  finds  them  restrictive  &  useless  for  herself  ,  labels  would  only  be  to  satisfy  others  .  she  doesn’t  see  herself  as  110%  female  either  like  she’s  all about  gender  being  a  social  construct  /  a  spectrum  ;  some  days  she’ll  get  dolled  up  &  wear  heavy  makeup  &  six  inch  heels  ,  some  days  she’ll  walk  around  in  a  bun  &  tracksuit  &  trainers  .  anyone  who  asks  abt  it  will  swiftly  get  2  middle  fingers  in  their  face  !! shes  uncontrollable  i  swear

         puts  up  a  tough  bad - ass  front  like  billie  does aksjdh  like  nah  nothing  can  hurt  me  im  bulletproof  !!  but  is  rly  just  kinda  broken  underneath  .  she  doesn’t  even  let  her  closest  friends  know  how  hurting  she  is  bc  she  doesn’t  wanna  burden  them  .  she  rly  uses  mmusic  as  an  outlet  tho  so  she’ll  act  totally  tough  then   go  to  the  studio  &  record  all  about  her  heartache  .  will  NEVER  let  someone  see  her  cry  no  matter  how  close  she  is  with  them  .  she  rly  sees  it  as  a  sign  of  weakness  &  shes  in  a  much  better  place  than  she  was  5  years  ago  so  she  figures  she’s  not  ALLOWED  to  feel  anything  but  grateful  .  

         this  bitch  overthinks  everything  !! half  the  time  she  isn’t  rly  listenning  to  whoever  bc  she’s  thinking  about  what  they  just  said  &  if  they’re  mad  with  her  .  she’s  that  friend  who  will  ask  u  to  come  over  to  formulate  the  perfect  text  response  &   fuss  over  it  for  hours  .  that  being  said  ,  if  someone  talks  shit  abt  anyone  shes  tight  with  ,  they’re  gonna  get  it  the  next  time   she  sees  them  .  she  isn’t  about  violence  &  would  never  get  into  a  physical  fight  ,  but  she’d  work  behind  the  scenes  to  ruin  their  life  .  but  then  she  pretends  like  she  rly  doesn’t  care  though  its  obvious  to  those  close  to  her  that  she  cares  way  too  much

has  a  very  hard  time  expressing  love  bc  she  didn’t  have  much  practice  w  it  growing  up  .  she  was  on  her  own  most  of  her  young  life  so  even  if  her  mom  would  tell  her   te  amo  she  would  be  like  uh  huh  gtg  bye !!  

tldr ;  poor  bitch  w  abandonment  issues  who  was  able  to  get  out  of  it  by  channeling  her  energy  into  music  &  numbing  the  stress  with  pills  or  alcohol  which  she  def  still overuses  but  she  doesn’t  think its  a  problem  !! yikeroony  !!  loves  partying  & having  a  good  time  ,  puts  up  a  tough  front  but  is  rly  soft  underneath  .

wanted (* = mw)

friends  from  high  school  !! -  people  sof  stayed  with  in  the  summer  bc  she  wasn’t  going  home  to  brazil  .  

friends  from  music  school  !!  -  she  def  felt  like  an  outsider  among  the  music  prodigies  at  this  school  ,  &  maybe  this  person  was  one  of  the  ppl  she  actually  connected  with  . 

come  out  &  play  !!  this  person  acts  as  a  good  influence  to  sofie  .  they’re  level - headed  &  very  grounding  ,  &  sofie  doesn’t  let  it  show  but  they’re  really  important  to  her  .  this  is  the  Softest  billie  song  (  prob  bc  it  was  for  an  ad skdj )  &  they  inspired  it  bc  it’s  how  she  feels  when  shes with  them  .  they  encourage  her  to  be  all  that  she  can  be  &  they  believe  in  her  ,  &  they’re  prob  the  one  person  sofie  trusts  the  most  which  is  SAYING  something  !!

*exes  on  bad  terms  !!  -   ok  this  would  basically  be  based  on  all  the  songs  billie  has  about  a  failed  relationship  /  heartbreak  !! shes  got  a  bunch  .  im  thnking  maybe  she  was  actually  rly  into  them  but  had  a  hard  time  expressing  it  bc  she’s never  been  good  with  emotional  expression  ,  &  it  led  to  the  relationship  feeling ?? unfaithful  /  disconnected  ??  idk  but  she  rly  loved  them  &  is  still  nursing  that  heartbreak  .  (  x  ,  x  ,  x  )

the  paris  to  her  nicole  !!  -  ok  i  f*cking  hate  that  i  said  this  but  she’s  nicole  richie  its  true  !! she  needs  a  messy  gal  pal  exactly  like  how  paris  &  nicole  are  i  stan  them  (  x  ,  x  ,  x  )

roommate  !!  -  bc  of  her  abandonment  issues  she  rly  doesn’t  like  living  alone  so  prob  is  the  roomie  who  will  sleep  in  their  bed  from  time  to  time  bc  she  doesn’t  like  being  totally  alone  .  

*when  the  party’s  over  !!  - these  two have  been  hooking  up  for  a  while  no  strings  attached  but  recently  feelings  have  been  caught  !! &  now  they  still  hook  up  quite  often  but  sofie’s  kinda  harboring  feelings &  pretending  all  is  well  but  she  rly  hopes  they’ll  just  stay  the  night  from  time  to  time  ,  &  gets  secretly  heartbroken  when  she  sees  them  flirting  or  leaving  with  someone  else  . they  can  also  have  feelings  if  u  want  that  angst :~)

fwb  !!  -  sofie  is  pretty  transparent  when  it  comes  to  what  she  wants  &  she’s  got  a  bad  habit  of  replacing  dealing  with  problems  with  getting  laid  !! like  u  know  in  movies  when  the  man  opens  his  wallet  and  a  row  of  like  20  pictures  of  different  women  fall  out  ??  that’s  sof’s  aesthetic  .  she’s  got  a  bunch  of  fwb  of  all  genders  so  bring  me  some  pls

***mutual  dislike  /  copycat  !!  self - explanatory  ,  sofie  thinks  this  person  is  copying  her  in  everything  she  does  &  thinks  its  annoying  af  so  she  wrote  a  song  abt  it  &  hopes  they  indirectly  get  the  message  even  if  she  drops  not  so  subtle  hints  .  skfldjh  itd  be  messy  pls !!

party  buddies  !!  -  someone  who  encourages  sofies  wild  ways  .  when  the  two  get  together  its  usually  to  get  drunk  or  high  &  thats  the  way  they  like  it  .  sofie  doesn’t  feel  judged  by  them  as  she  does  by  others  who  don’t  get  obliterated  at  every  social  event  (  what  an  idea  !!  )  so  she  rly  values  them  ,  even  if  she  doesn’t  express  it

 ** 8 !! - someone  who  kinda  reluctantly  got  into  a  relationship  with  sofie  out  of  maybe  a  desire  to  save  her  from  herself  ??  like  u  know  that  good  girl  bad  boy  trope  where  the  girl  tries  to  save  the  boy  from  whatever  he’s  struggling  with  ?  that’s  them  but  the  roles  are  just  reversed  -  good  guy  ,  bad  girl  .  it  was  kinda  just  filled  w  her  being  self - destructive  &  confiding  in  him  but  not  rly  reciprocating  the  care  so  he  became  kinda  distant  bc  of  it  .  tbh  she  prob  knew  he  was  too  good  for  her  but  had  a sliver  of  hope  he  wouldn’t  leave  her  even  tho  eventually  she  became  too  much  for  him  .  (  lyrics : you said, "don't treat me badly", but you said it so sadly, so I did the best I could, not thinkin' you would have left me gladly. i know you're not sorry, why should you be? 'cause who am I to be in love, when your love never is for me?” )

good influence  !! this  person  can  tell  that  her  beahvior  is  unhealthy  &  are  trying  to  gently  nudge  her  abt  it  .  she  can  tell  what  they’re  doing  but  her  addict  brain  is  telling  her  its  invasive  &  threatening  so  shes  not  the  fondest  of  this  person  ,  but  deep  down  she  really  appreciates  them

music buddies !! these  two  are  both  in  the  music  industry  &  rather  than  it  being  competitive  ,  they’ve  developed  a  friendship  from  it  & enjoy  working  together  .  

* someone  sofie  ghostwrites  for  !! for  whatever  reason  ,  this  muse  doesn’t  write  their  own  songs  & instead  pays  sofie  to  write  them  for  them  .  she  doesn’t  love  it  but  its  a  way  to  make  money  &  give  away  songs  she  doesn’t  feel  attached  to  but  are  worth  something  .  maybe  its  tense  bc  they  claim  the  songs  as  their  own  &  sofie  doesn’t  like  it  ,  this  could  be  ~escandolo~  later  !!

*** my boy ( high school bf ) !! - ok  tea  this  song  is  the  one  that  broke  her  into  the  industry  .  she  produced  it  all  herself  &  just  relased  it  to  her  soundcloud  thinking  it  wouldn’t  rly  go  anyway  but  !!  joke’s  on  yung sofie  .  essentially  he  thought  the  relationship  was  going  well  ,  she’d  met  his  family  &  they  rly  liked  her  but  !! sof  was  feeling  kinda  smothered  &  told  herself  he  was  lying &  cheating  on  her  n  shit  so  she  wrote  a  song  about  it  !! &  once  it  was  starting  to  get  attention  he  was  like  ….. uhhh  what  the  fuck  & she  was  like  haha  sorry  !! so  they  broke  up  &  ever  since  its  been  animosity ,  but  she  realizes  she  fucked  up  but  it  launched  her  career  so  she  doesn’t  know  whether  to  keep  up  the  idgaf  i  hurt  you  or  apologize  .  

* ex - friends  !!  ok  pls  i  have  this  hc  where  sofie  got  way  too  high  one  night  &  slept  with  this  person’s  dad  or  sibling  or  smth !!  u  know  that  line  in  ‘ bad guy ’  where  she  goes  ‘ might  seduce  your  dad  type  ? ’  ya  that’s  got  sofie  written  ALL  over  it  !!   &  now  they’re  not  friends  bc  sofie  can’t  keep  it  in  her  pants  but  both  sides  kinda  misses  the  other  but  are  too  stubborn  to  say  anything  :~(

exes from college / high school  !!  - ok honestly i just love all the exes plots . gimme someone who like maybe they were hooking up & decided to give it a shot dating & it worked for a while but ultimately fell apart bc of sof’s inability to open up. maybe theres still tension or maybe theyre friends now !!

* lovely  !!  -  i  need  a  male  voice  for  khalid’s  part  in  lovely  bc  i  need  this  song  in  my  life  bc  its  a  whole  ass   sofie  mood  ok  .  

i’ve  also  got  a  wanted  connections  tag  linked  HERE  dksfj there's  not  much  in  it  yet  but  feel  free  to  check  it  out  .  ok  i  love  y'all  

[youngfolksrpg]

 WELCOME TO NEW YORK, HARLEY.

Harley Beckett is a 30 year old native residing in Brooklyn. They are a musician + guitar teacher who is known for being adventurous, creative, energetic, helpful, idealistic, predictable, soft, trusting, well-meaning, youthful. Click read more to discover more about this character! Trigger Warnings: Gender dysphoria (not spoken about in too much detail, however).

• • • CHARACTER BASICS

Character Full Name: Harley Blake Beckett. Nickname(s): Beck. Age: 30. Birthday: April 22nd. Occupation: Musician for Gasoline Adventure and teaches guitar out of their home. Birthplace: NYC, NY (Brooklyn). Borough: Brooklyn. Citizen Type: Native. Ethnicity: Caucasian. Nationality: American.

• • • IDENTITY + HEALTH

Gender: Genderfluid. Pronouns: They | Them. Sexual Orientation: Demisexual. Romantic Orientation: Panromantic. Relationship Status: Single. Face Claim: Nico Tortorella. Hair Color: Brown. Eye Color: Grey. Distinguishing Features: Tattoos, tattoos, and more tattoos; They're covered in them and constantly getting more. They're also usually found with a bright smile, regardless of how they're feeling. They’re good at masking what’s on their mind. Personal Style: It depends on the day, but Beck typically wears nice clothes. They enjoy the occasional cliche musician looks, wearing dark clothes, leather jackets, et cetera. On a typical day though, they enjoy more colorful clothes. They put a lot of time into making sure they look presentable, ready to make an impression wherever they are. Physical Health: They are physically healthy. Mental Health: Gender dysphoria.

• • • FAMILY

Parents: Biological parents are unknown + no desire to reach out // Adoptive parents are named Neil & Laurel Beckett. They run a gallery together, with one being a sculptor and one a painter. Relationship with Parents: Their parents are their favorite people in the world. They were just a baby when they were adopted by Neil and Laurel, two loving parents who wanted another child because they had more love than they could give. Laurel also was struggling to get pregnant, so they started adopting. They have always been accepting of everything their children wanted to be, which is why Beck had no fear coming out to them. Siblings: Three siblings, all adopted. Beck is the second eldest of the four of them. Relationship with Siblings: Their relationship with their siblings is just as solid as their relationship with their parents. Certainly, there's fights here and there, but ultimately, Beck feels welcomed by them all. Beck and their oldest sibling were adopted by their parents purposefully, whereas the last two were fosters that ended up getting adopted when their parents realized how much they wanted to keep them, too. Beck tries to stay neutral throughout sibling disputes and stay on everyone's good side for the most part.  Children: N/A. Relationship with Children: N/A. Pets: N/A right now, but definitely open to the pro spect.

• • • PERSONALITY + MUSIC

MBTI: ESFJ. Moral Alignment: Chaotic Good. Zodiac: Taurus. Hogwarts House: Gryffindor.  Alter Ego: A more musically inclined and less political Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec. Personality Traits: Adventurous, creative, energetic, helpful, idealistic, predictable, soft, trusting, well-meaning, youthful. // Beck is a soft person overall. They enjoy being around people and are often seen with a smile on their face. They try not to get into arguments often, only breaking that rule if they feel like they need to stand up for themselves. They had quite a few years of being unable to accept themselves in their late teenage and early twenties years, but Beck has since come to terms with who they are and what kind of person they want to be. They're extremely creative, looking for multiple outlets for their creativeness. Music is the main one, but they have dabbled in art (it was a failure), writing (it wasn't terrible), and many other things. They know that it doesn't matter what most people think of them, always preferring to be who they are above anything. They work hard for what they want and often give off a youthful vibe. Playlist: Beck’s favorite songs. Moon River - Frank Ocean (cover) Amen - Amber Run, London Contemporary Voices Little Red Riding Hood - Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs We Used to be Friends - The Dandy Warhols Mansard Roof - Vampire Weekend Fuck You - Lily Allen Basket Case - Green Day Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie Shit Happens - Late Night Thoughts Superposition - Young the Giant Cringe - Matt Maeson lovely - Billie Eilish, Khalid Should I Stay or Should I Go? - The Clash Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand No Diggity - Blackstreet Loser - Beck Shadow - ARTY Piledriver Waltz - Arctic Monkeys World Gone Mad - Bastille What’s My Age Again? - Blink-182 Late Thoughts - Hanx

• • • WANTED PLOTS

Family!! Beck has three siblings + parents that mean so much to them. Their parents have always made them believe they could be whoever they want to be, which is why no child of Neil & Laurel Beckett's would worry about telling them anything that's going wrong. Two of the siblings (Beck and the eldest) were adopted by Neil & Laurel when they were babies, but the last two were fostered and then adopted. Their family is always the most important thing to them. 

Friends!! Beck is so gd friendly that it would be completely accurate for them to have a ton of friends. Some could be new, some could be old; they're a native, so they would've accumulated quite a few growing up. I imagine they lost some friends when they came out, but they don't dwell on anything like that. Beck needs friends who will accept them for who they are without fail, otherwise they won't get along or stick together for very long. I'd love to have a couple ride or die best friends who have been around through everything. Sharing crayon boxes in kindergarten to sharing a bottle of whiskey as adults?? Pls give me that.

Band mates!! Beck is a part of a rock band that I imagine has an Arctic Monkeys sound, but not quite as much their new album. Beck plays the guitar and sings back up, but I would love to get the rest of his band. Gasoline Adventure will have a request soon enough with all the other members of the band, but if you're interested, hmu!!

Exes and romance things!! When it comes to romance, Beck doesn't shy away from possibilities. Of course, things aren't always easy for them. Between not always feeling like someone is comfortable with their gender fluidity (some people are okay with the concept they've noticed, but are weird when it comes to actually being with them) and being demisexual, their love life has been a bit all over the place. If you have an idea for something in this area though, please let me know!! 

• • • THE PLAYER

Harley Beckett is played by Paige. She is 29 years old and in the CST timezone. Please be mindful of their triggers: incest, rape, student x teacher plots.

[littleoldrachel]

Eleventh chapter is up! Read it here on ao3, or here on ff.net, or under the cut. 

100 Ways to Say I Love You Summary: In which actions speak louder than words, Sirius and Remus sort of fall in to a relationship, and even though neither of them have said those three all-important words, they both know it anyway.Or: 100 Ways to Say I Love You by Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Previous |  chapter 11/100 - “You can have half.” | Next Based on this post by p0ck3tf0x Tw for grief, anxiety, hints at depression, a use of the f-word, mentions of child abuse.

Against James’ wishes, Remus’ advice, and Akilah’s concerns, Sirius returns to work just a few days after the news breaks. Having lost four days to his grief, his schedule is tighter than ever, but the pressure is a blessing in disguise - because he plunges headfirst into his projects, and just… does not surface.

Time loses all meaning, now that he's spending every single second in the office - sketching, programming, editing, it's all time-consuming work that requires Sirius’ utmost attention.

His friends bring meals to the office and his colleagues force him outside once in a while for some fresh air, but without his graphics tablet in hand, he's a shell of a person, aimlessly fidgeting and tugging at his clothes. He needs to be busy and productive because otherwise he's just the waste of space his parents always claimed he was, haunted by memories and longing for relief - but nobody seems to want to accept that. He begins to sleep at the office, but with no semblance of a schedule; he crashes beneath his workstation whenever exhaustion gets the better of him, and wakes to expressions of concern, aching shoulders, and the feeling of bone-deep fatigue that no amount of sleep can solve.

His grief is a current that keeps pulling him away from the work he's trying so hard to focus on, and every time it's a little harder to propel himself back to it. It tugs and claws and drags at him, and no matter how firmly he tries to embed himself in the sand, his pain is relentless.

But so are his friends in their compassion. Lily brings him his medication, and texts him reminders to actually take it, you silly angel. Frank cooks his favourite comfort foods, and doesn't complain a jot when Sirius cannot manage more than a mouthful. Kingsley makes him drinks by the gallon - some alcoholic, some not, some piping, some ice-cold, depending on how sad he looks at that moment.

Alice sends him videos of animals doing stupidly adorable things that thaw his frozen heart like nothing else can, and bakes him cookies and cakes that go largely uneaten. Peter seems to be the only one who understands Sirius’ need to be at work, because he enables him like the rest of the group refuse to - taking him to work, bringing him fresh clothes, asking him about the projects, and it's refreshingly normal where nothing else is. James encourages him to talk about his feelings, takes him to therapy, and doesn't get mad ever when it all gets too much and Sirius screams at him to fuck off, Prongs, I'm fine. Every time Sirius thinks James has peaked as a best friend, he goes and pulls something like this, which just reminds Sirius how utterly indebted he is for this friendship.

Marlene gets in touch with a promise to chase up the issue with Alphard leaving Sirius everything. Sirius wants to shout that he doesn't give a fuck, he wouldn't touch a penny if he could just have Alphard back, but he knows that she feels guilty she can't be there physically, so he lets her do what she needs to without arguing. On top of all of this, there are well wishes and messages of love from school friends he hasn't spoken to in years. It's a lot.

(It's too much, and every day, more and more messages stack up in his inbox that he simply doesn't have the energy or the will to respond to).

And then there's Remus.

Lovely, soft, understanding Remus, who comes to the office just to sit in silence and be with him because he somehow knows that the memories are a little less intrusive with his presence. Who brings him flowers just because Sirius’ shoulders slump a little less with the sight of them. Who stops him from torturing his heart with a caffeine overload. Who witnesses every single panic attack and anxiety attack and supports him through them no matter what he's supposed to be doing. Who never asks for anything from him but gives and gives and gives, and Sirius takes it all greedily, because God knows he's earned the right to be selfish.

(Sirius cannot comprehend why he's spiralling when he has literally the best support network he could ask for, but he hates himself for this perceived flaw in any case. And this self hatred only shoves him harder into his work - he doesn't spare a thought for what he's going to do when he's finished because all that is keeping him going right now is the fact that he needs to get these done).

His therapist tells him that the way he's responding is normal and expected, and he wants to yell fuck off in her stupid face, because if it is normal to be this angry and numb and depressed and overwhelmed, he is uninterested in ‘normal’ and ‘expected.’ He tries to channel this frustration into his art - because healthy outlets are important, she also reminds him, but there’s just… some kind of barrier? Blocking his emotions from the blank white page? He wants to fucking smash something - because fuck healthy coping mechanisms, fuck it all.

Of his two projects, the most pressing task is a double page spread in the next month's issue, which will introduce a character of Sirius’ own design, complete with costume, backstory, and a personal article. He has enough free reign that he barely needs to ask Akilah's guidance at all (which is a blessing because the thought of talking to anyone brings him out in cold sweats and ragged breaths).

His character is one he's been perfecting since his Final Project at university, and perhaps this makes it such an easy task despite the fogginess of his brain. He pours his tattered heart and battered soul into first the paper sketches, then into the tablet, his eyes aching from the attention to detail. What he ends up with actually stirs a feeling of something in his stomach, and he clings to the thought of something that isn't grief-related like a lifeline.

Ember, a trans woman of colour whose 'real job’ is in chemical engineering, can manipulate shadows to travel through the world, and she's, in Lily's words, completely fucking awesome, I love being bi. Sirius maps out her afro with painstaking strokes, referencing and counter referencing her features to ensure he's doing this right, and by right, he means don't be a racist fuck and make her nose all like a white person, in Frank's words.

The comic strip of her origin story involves an unhappy childhood, a found family, and a journey of self-acceptance that is so close to his own, it's almost embarrassing, except he's so in love with Ember, he doesn't give a single shit. Her superpowers come about from an experiment gone-wrong at work, the product of enthusiastic conversations he'd had with Gideon about the plausibility of this incident all those years ago. It’s nostalgic in just the way he needs - living in the past, a past in which Alphard was alive and well and thriving, means that he can pretend, however briefly, that the ground hasn’t collapsed beneath him.

The final section - the personal article - presents the greatest challenge, and he half-heartedly bashes out a few paragraphs on the importance of representation that make him wince in their detachedness. It takes almost a full bottle of whiskey late one night to actually allow the emotions to spill out, into sentences about how works like Queerllustration’s saved his life, how the realisation that people like him could be heroes too meant so much to anxious, closeted twelve-year-old Sirius. It’s cheesy and personal and possibly too-much when he sends the article to Remus to edit, because as gifted as Sirius is with pictures, it's Remus who's best with words. Remus sends an edited version back within a few hours, and Sirius loves him for it - both the eloquent way he's rearranged Sirius’ syntax and the speed with which he's turned a diamond-in-the-rough shiny.

The end result is one that, even in his grief and frustration, Sirius is proud of.

(He thinks Alphard would be too).

(If only he were here to see it).

The second project is one that Sirius had been so excited to be commissioned, because the idea of a mural for a children's ward sparks the sense of adventure and hopefulness that he sorely needs. Fresh from the adrenalin of churning out his first project, he refuses all offers of time-off or an extension, and ploughs onwards, ignoring how flat and empty the world outside his sketchpad has become.

Remus comes to the office at eight o'clock at night one day, and watches him work for a while in silence. He’s been working on the mural mock-ups for hours by now - a fact, he knows by the ache of his shoulders and the sting of tired eyes. Eventually, Remus shifts from his spot in Sirius’ swivel chair, and crouches before him, cupping a hand to his cheek and forcing Sirius to meet his gaze.

“Please come home,” Remus says softly, and the vulnerability in his eyes almost breaks Sirius. He almost caves. Almost.

“I have to finish this section,” Sirius mumbles, reluctantly removing himself from the warmth of Remus’ palm, and turning back to his designs.

Remus says nothing, and Sirius cannot bear to look back at him, for the disappointment in them will be unbearable. When Remus gets up and leaves, Sirius feels his already-broken heart shrivelling, and he forces himself to breathe through the pain of it, concentrating as hard as he can to distract from the ache in his chest.

But then -

The door clicks open once more, and Sirius jerks around in surprise. Remus is standing there, his expression heart-rendingly kind. He’s got a blanket wrapped about his shoulders and arms full of take-out containers.

(Sirius wants to sob at the gesture - at how good Remus is, and how much he cares - but he can’t seem to remember how. Or rather, there’s something that doesn’t allow the tears to come, they’re somewhere inside him, but trapped).

Remus sits beside him, and Sirius tucks against his side, huddling into the blanket that Remus drapes between them. When Remus pops the lids on the various containers, the aroma of Indian food hits his nostrils, and for the first time in weeks, the smell doesn’t nauseate him. He manages more than a few mouthfuls, listens to Remus natter about his day, allows himself this hour to just be.

Because then it’s back to the grind, and no amount of pleading from Remus will persuade him to cut himself some slack.

(Why should he take it easy when Alphard cannot take anything ever again?)

The finished design is pretty fucking epic; superheroes will decorate the wall, clad in brightly coloured costumes and masks, but these superheroes are special, because some are in wheelchairs or on crutches or missing limbs, some have Special Needs, some have no hair, some have oxygen tanks. In other words, they look like the children he’s seen on his visits to the ward, all with various illnesses and injuries, all far stronger than anyone their age should have to be.

(And if there’s a hero in there who’s older, with crinkles around his grey eyes and a wild mane of platinum hair, whose features make Sirius’ chest pang, then what of it?)

The commissioners are utterly thrilled with it. The children are delighted, the families are admiring, the medical staff appreciative. Congratulations, interview requests, and thanks come pouring in at an alarming rate. Plans are made for it to be painted the following month, and the attention it attracts funds a second commission in another section of the hospital. All Sirius hears is how well he’s done, that he’s a rising star, that this is only the beginning of a bright future. And of course, he’s grateful, these are things he’s dreamed of hearing his whole life.

But it’s too much.

Of the people clamouring his brilliance, there are none more enthusiastic or proud than his friends, all of whom photograph it from every single angle, save any and all mentions of his name in the local paper’s coverage, are more supportive than he deserves.

And Sirius -

Does not register any of it.

It's almost like he thought that finishing these projects and making a name for himself would feel like enough - would counter the horrible, unacceptable truth that Alphard is gone.

But nothing has changed.

Alphard is still gone.

And logically, Sirius knew that completing these projects and pretending things were normal wouldn’t change this fact.

But he still feels like a failure for it.

When the paint is dry on the walls, Sirius leaves the hospital, nodding at the nurses he’s come to know by name, and… walks. He walks past the tube stop he needs to take if he’s heading back to the office, past the stop that leads home, past the buses that he could catch to Peter’s - and he just keeps walking.

The sun drifts lower and lower in the sky, until the Christmas lights are flickering on and Sirius is low-key shaking with the cold the evening brings. Businessmen shove past him impatiently whilst tourists amble in front of him, and no matter where he positions himself, he is in the way, a burden, an annoyance, empty, empty, empty. Catching sight of his reflection in the shop windows is a nasty surprise; he barely recognises himself in the heavy bags beneath his eyes and the downwards twist of his mouth, but he can’t find it in himself to care.

By the time his nose is running from the cold air and his limbs are well and truly numb, the crowds have thinned out, but he doesn’t stop walking. His mind is oddly blank, and his feet keep carrying him, as though each step might shake off the incredible weight of grief he’s shouldering.

(It doesn’t).

He’s not sure at what point the tears start coming. In fact, it’s only when an older gentleman leaving a mosque stops him in concern that he’s even aware that he’s crying. He accepts the tissue the man is pressing on him, but waves off any other questions, dabbing his leaking eyes and forging onwards.

It’s ironic that the harder he cries, the more people avoid meeting his gaze. The tears are streaming and his vision is too-blurred to see straight - he’s a complete fucking wreck, and nobody cares enough to help him.

(Except that’s not quite true).

(Because there are friends who would help him only a phone call away, and it would break James’ too-generous heart to know that Sirius was walking the streets alone and devastated).

(As it is, it’s Remus’ door he ends up at).

(Because of course it’s Remus. It’s always been Remus).

He’s trying to pluck up the courage to knock on the door, when the man himself comes round the corner. Remus is wearing his university sweater - the one that Sirius likes to steal and curl up in because it’s huge and carries Remus’ scent better than anything else - and has his earphones in, a carrier bag swinging loosely from his fingers. Sirius hasn’t been spotted yet, which gives him approximately five seconds to arrange his features into something a little less distressing, and wipe his eyes.

Then, Remus looks up. The second his eyes meet Sirius’, he’s running - and Remus doesn’t run - but he makes the short distance down the corridor in record time, and presses a hand to Sirius’ cheek.

Neither of them say anything for a moment, but Remus’ eyes flit frantically over Sirius’ face, before he loops his arm around Sirius, and tugs them both inside his apartment.

(Were he in a better state of mind, Sirius would be concerned over the fact that Remus doesn’t bother with a key, because his lock’s still fucking broken).

Winky hops down from her perch on Remus’ countertop, and purrs as she winds through their legs, following them to the sofa. Remus pulls Sirius down beside him, and Sirius goes, willingly, hugging as closely to Remus as is possible. The tears, which have momentarily eased, return again in full force, and Sirius is racked with sobs as he arches into Remus’ lap. “W-why am I - crying - again?” Sirius manages, and Remus runs a soothing hand up Sirius’ back. “Why can’t I stop?”

“Because you’ve repressed this for too long,” says Remus so gently that Sirius doesn’t even flinch at the blunt honesty of it. “Because you pushed through it, and didn’t let yourself grieve.”

Sirius screws his eyes shut, the pain in his chest mounting with every ragged breath he draws. “It hurts, Moony.” He claws at his chest vaguely, though hurts doesn’t even cover it - it’s all-encompassing, all-consuming -

“I’m sorry, love,” Remus whispers. He twines their fingers together, rubbing his chest in circular motions. It does nothing to ease the pain, but it’s a reminder that he’s not alone in this hell-hole, and it’s Remus.

“Hurts,” Sirius repeats to himself.

“What can I do?” Remus says, the desperation seeping into his tone.

Sirius shakes his head, has to bite his tongue to stop himself from snapping something like bring back my dead uncle, and murmurs, “just hold me?”

“Of course,” Remus whispers, tugging Sirius even tighter against his chest.

Eventually, Sirius’ flow of tears ceases, though this has more to do with dehydration and exhaustion than because he’s nowhere near done feeling terrible about it. From that point, the intense cuddles morph into something more relaxed; the tv is left on a Netflix show they’ve both seen before, Remus reheats some leftovers, and Winky settles down in Sirius’ lap. Sirius looks blearily at the menorah in Remus’ window - it’s electric, because anything else in a flat so poorly-built and badly-designed seems too risky - and watches as Remus lights another of its candles. He looks so beautiful in the candlelight - all soft edges and warm golden glow - and he ducks his head self-consciously when he catches Sirius’ staring. “Happy Hanukkah,” he says.

“Happy Hanukkah,” Sirius returns, trying to ignore the thought of is Remus missing Hanukkah with his family? Is that because of me?

“Where do we go from here?” Remus asks, what must be several hours later, judging by the temperature drop in the room. Sirius, almost cozy and comfortable in his nest of blankets-safety-Remus, takes an anxious breath, because he knows what he needs, but it’s not what he wants.

“I think… I need to sign off work for a while. But like, properly this time.”

Remus squeezes his hip where his hand is resting. “I think that sounds like a really smart idea. I’m proud of you.”

“I love you,” Sirius says quietly, and one day, when his head is less grief-heavy and his heart less broken, he will be able to say those words with the full significance of everything in his soul. But today is not that day.

Remus replies at once, and the words bring a warmth around his heart that is the most feeling he’s had in far too long. “I love you too.”

And so begins a true healing period. One in which Sirius lets himself sob when he feels his heart re-shattering, scream when everything feels so unfair dammit, smile when something pleasant happens - because lovely things do happen, and he doesn’t have to live the rest of his life feeling guilty for it.

(Or so his therapist says. He’ll get there eventually).

In other news, he’s sort of living at Remus’ now? For the time being at least? The first night he’d slept over, Remus had had to go to work the next day, and Sirius just… didn’t leave. And then he continued to not leave. He spends the time Remus is working hanging out with his friends in their various workplaces, or binge-watching shows with Winky, or sketching for fun, not for work, I promise, Prongs. It’s the first time in forever that his mind has been able to just be, and he can feel the weight lifting a little with every day he spends waking up to the sight of Remus bashing his alarm clock in annoyance.

That’s not to say it’s easy - it’s not. There are days where getting out of bed is Far Too Much, and he cannot breathe for panicking. There are times when he remembers that he’s probably really overstayed his welcome at Remus’ and works himself into a tizzy about burdening his best friend.

But there are also lazy Saturday mornings with pancakes and syrup, late-night excursions for ice cream, tug-of-wars with Winky, outfit-selecting for Remus, phone conversations to Remus’ family… it’s all so fucking domestic, and it makes Sirius’ heart ache for what could be. The thing is, living with Remus is safe and warm and comfortable, and Sirius wants it all, all of this and so much more.

(“Is it helping?” James asks him one Wednesday evening, when Remus has a bar shift and it’s just the two of them in the flat. Sirius feels guilty for the wistfulness in James’ eyes as he nods, but his heart flutters as James admits, “you seem so much better these days. Remus is so damn good for you”).

In Sirius’ incredibly unbiased opinion, he’s inclined to agree, because days later - days? weeks? months, even? - he opens his eyes, takes a breath, and isn’t bombarded with painful memories. And a little while after that, he wakes up and finds that his chest isn’t a gaping hole - it’s more like there’s the skin covering the wound is thin and fragile, but healing. He’s healing.

Before Sirius’ colossal and overwhelming breakdown, Marlene had promised to help him with the Will Situation, because an official-looking letter arrived from his parents’ lawyer that had made him burst into tears without even opening it. He kind of assumes she’s got better things to do, until one day, he gets the following cryptic message:

Marlene: ahem, bow down before me, underling, for I have worked magic and it is finally time to recognise my brilliance

Sirius: ????????

Sirius: i kno ur brilliant i don’t understand

Marlene: true, true

Marlene: but no seriously, I’ve dealt with your shitty family and the will money is yours. They can’t touch it, or you.

Sirius: ??????

Sirius: !!!!!!!

Sirius: are you for real???

[Sirius is calling]

“Marls,” Sirius half-sobs the second she picks up, “Marls - thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” Marlene’s voice - usually full of the fire and justice that make her such a successful lawyer - is soft, but no less protective. “It’s amazing what you can achieve with accusations of child abuse and neglect.”

Sirius winces, because she’s right, but the truth hurts. “I love you,” he says, and Marlene makes an mhm sound that Sirius knows is accompanied by a hair flip. “I - I don’t know how to thank you enough -”

“No seriously, don’t mention it. You’re my friend and I would do anything for you, yada-yada-yada, let’s not get sappy.” Marlene’s briskness has returned, and Sirius can’t help the fond smile his lips curve into. “I’m gonna send you over the details of emails between me and their fuckheads - I mean lawyer scum - and the form you need to sign, and then the money is yours.”

There’s a pause, in which Sirius exhales, trying to process everything all at once, and Marlene softens her tone again: “And Sirius, love?”

“Mmm?” Sirius says vaguely, still too affected to deal with more.

“It’s a lot. The money, I mean. He’s left you everything.”

“I don’t care about the money - as long as I don’t have to face them again, I couldn’t care less about-”

“You will, when you see it.”

(Despite Marlene’s efforts to warn him, waking up one morning with an extra two digits on his account balance is a shock, to put it mildly. Once he’s finished logging in and out of his account, refreshing the page, and even contacting his bank, it finally begins to sink in that Alphard has given him everything. And the implications of that generosity are huge).

Because, here’s the other thing: Sirius knows that Remus is poor. Living with Remus had been like a brick in the face at university, because he’d never had to worry about where his next meal was coming from, or choosing between paying the gas bills and paying for school textbooks. But Remus did have to, saved and scrimped every penny like it was goldust, and got terrifyingly annoyed at the rest of them if they were ever wasteful. But somehow, in Sirius’ disgusting throne of privilege, since university he’s sort of forgotten what it looks like to be poor. It’s only as he watches Remus cut open toothpaste tubes to scrape off the remnants, or mix his toiletries with water when they’re half-full, or save potato peelings for homemade soups, that he remembers. (And he’s completely disgusted with himself that he ever forgot).

He watches Remus’ pile of bank letters grow, watches the way Remus’ wrinkles deepen and his shoulders climb higher and higher with tension whenever he’s opening his bills. He watches Remus’ gaze skip straight over the Tesco Finest selections, to the reduced to clear and everyday value ones. He watches Remus wear through the sole of his shoes, shrug and continue wearing them, because what choice does he have?

And his door’s still fucking broken.

Sirius thinks it’s this last thing that causes the spark of inspiration in his brain, and once it’s ignited, it’s unstoppable.

“We should move out and get a place together,” is what he proposes over dinner that night, his heart hammering and palms sweating.

Remus raises his eyebrows, forces a laugh, and says, “very funny, Padfoot.”

“No, I’m serious -”

“So am I,” Remus says, laying his fork back on the plate. “We’ve talked about this before. This place is a shithole but it’s also the only London property in my budget.”

“Not if we were living together.”

Remus pauses, and for a split-second, Sirius thinks he’s going to agree. “You and I have wildly different budgets,” he says eventually, taking a sip of his drink, and not meeting Sirius’ eye. “And besides, I thought you were saving up for your own place?”

“Just listen to me, for a second,” Sirius says, reaching across the table and wrapping his hand around Remus’ wrist. Remus looks at him, but says nothing, and Sirius takes this as a sign to continue. “I’ve researched this properly, Moony. This place is awful, and I hate the thought of you living somewhere like this… but if we joined forces - well, with the money from Alphard, we could get somewhere together - somewhere nice and safe.”

Remus has stiffened, and Sirius feels the anxiety creeping up his spine like a serpent.

Fuck.

“I don’t want your money, Sirius,” says Remus tightly. “Or Alphard’s. Let’s drop it.”

“But it could help us find somewhere to live,” Sirius protests, his anxiety making him clumsy and insensitive, but also unable to stop his efforts. “You could live somewhere with a landlord who’ll fix your door, and where you don’t get faggot written on your mailbox, and where-”

Remus stands abruptly, taking his bowl to the sink, and scrubbing at it harshly. “Drop. It.”

“Just explain it to me then!

“I just did, you’re not listening.”

“If this is about the money, then you know I don’t care -”

“Exactly, you don’t care about it,” spits Remus, whirling back around to face him and - oh, he’s pissed. “Because you’ve never had to. You look at a place like this and think, oh what a dump, and throw your money around, but for some of us, this is as good as it gets, okay?”

He’s not quite shouting, but this is no longer a conversation, and Sirius feels awful and shaky. “But I’m offering you a way out of that,” he says in a small voice, even as he digs himself further and further into this grave.

Remus closes his eyes, presses his fingers against his mouth, and says, “I don’t want your money. I’m really happy that Alphard’s left you enough money that you’re able to offer this, and I know this comes from a good place, but-”

“You can have half,” is what spills out of his mouth, and he knows how it sounds - it may have come from a place of utmost care and concern but right now, it just sounds privileged and classist and awful. “I-”

“I don’t want your money,” Remus repeats. His face has shuttered off, and Sirius feels a swell of annoyance because this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

“Stop being so bloody proud, I just want to help,” Sirius snaps back, hating himself even as he’s ruining everything. “I love you, and I don’t want you to live like this.”

Remus laughs, but the sound is wrong-wrong-wrong, miserable and cruel and so un-Remus-like that Sirius flinches. “If you really loved me, you would understand that you’re being a massive dick about this.”

Silence falls. Winky looks between them, at the shattered remnants of their friendship/relationship/whatever they are to each other. Sirius’ chest hurts once more, but this is an entirely different type of heartbreak, one that he’s not sure he’ll survive.

“You can go.” Remus won’t look at him.(Sirius has ruined everything).

[amazinggirl55]

My extremely long rant about sexism in Asia

So anybody who thinks the most sexist country is America has clearly never been to Asia. In Asia women go through so much and I want to highlight some of that with my own experiences/knowledge. I’d be really grateful to anyone who reads this all the way down.

But first, a little backstory. I was three years old when my parents moved to America and twelve years old when we moved back to our home country. My home country is in Central Asia. It’s a third world country. That was three years ago. Now I’ve lived here for three years and I’ve seen so many things that infuriate me. But let’s start small.

Because this is Central Asia, we’ve been having problems with terrorist websites. There was this one app where you start playing and you end up committing suicide. It doesn’t matter how mentally healthy you started off, they have their ways of sinking their claws into you and backing you into a corner until you don’t see a way out. Anyways, one day, I was at my grandma’s house and there were some guests there. I remember we were talking about this website, and my older brother made a joke about my cousin trying it out. Everyone laughed. My cousin made a joke about one of the guests also playing it. My brother also said he wants to try it out. Everyone laughed at these two jokes as well. Then I made a joke saying pretty much the same thing and you know what kind of reaction I got? Dead silence, until my mother said, super serious “I will disown you if you ever play that game.” When I asked why she didn’t have the same reaction to my brother, who said the same thing, she said “you’re a girl, you’re not allowed to make these kind of jokes.”

Another similar scenario. I was at my grandma’s house (again) and I remember I was so fucking mad. I was furious. I don’t remember what happened, but I know it was something serious. As in, I wasn’t just being moody or petty. There was an actual legitimate reason for my anger. A lot of my close family members were there. I was fuming and trying to control my anger and you know what my grandpa said? He said “don’t be angry, you’re a girl. Girls aren’t allowed to be angry.” My grandpa literally told me that I was supposed to be some little delicate flower that always agreed with other people and backed down from arguments. And that made me so much more pissed off. I remember I was crying angry tears and I had no outlet. I didn’t know what to do. There were so many people, all of them were waiting for me to calm down and apologize like a good little girl. My mother was angry at me for losing my cool. And I was just wondering what I’d done to deserve such a family.

I remember, when my brother and I still went to the same school, my brother had told on me about how I act around guys. How I start conversations and go up to my classmates and start annoying them when I’m bored. To Americans or Europeans, that’s not a big deal, heck it’s not a deal at all, but apparently it’s a huge fucking deal for these stupid ass Asians. My mom got mad at me and started talking about how I shouldn’t act like that and blah blah blah. My cousin was also there (a girl cousin this time) and the two of them agreed that the only circumstances on which I was allowed to talk to to guy is is and only if, I was with a friend (that’s a girl, duh) and a guy came up to me asking about schoolwork, was I allowed to talk to guys. Now can someone tell me how fucking ridiculous that is?! There are millions of girls out there who have guys as best friends where I literally can’t shake a guy’s hand without feeling like I’m disappointing my mother.

One question you might have is, what kind of stuff do you wear? Well, I wear whatever my mom lets me. Which isn’t all that much when I think about it. For example, I don’t own a single pair of jeans or pants. The shortest thing I have goes to my knees. Makeup? Hahahahaha no. That’s not even something I can think about. I’m only allowed to wear makeup after I get married. Most types of jewelry? After I get married. Pretty much anything with sequins or shiny stuff? After I get married. All my life, I’d ask my mom if I could wear makeup or put on this earring or go to this wedding or party and my answer would always be “after you get married” and it’s always pissed me off. Even today, my aunt gave me this really nice bracelet and my mom told me she’d give it to me after I got married.

Now I know what you’re all thinking, if I’m not allowed to interact with guys (and most other girls have similar limitations as well), how the hell am I expected to get married? Well the answer is rather simple. When I turn 16/17, depending on how pretty I am and how rich my family is and a few other stuff, mothers will starts coming to my door to talk to my mother about marrying me and their son together. Oftentimes, it will be the guy who sends his mother to a girl’s house. Sometimes the guy also has no choice, but that’s a lot more rare than a girl with no choice. If my father decides that he likes that family (or if they’re rich enough) he’ll say that I can marry that guy. My age won’t matter. If I’m 16, maybe they’ll wait for a while, maybe they won’t. Once the wedding is over, I get a lot of stuff. And I mean a lot. The family of the groom sends a lot of gifts and all the stuff that my mom has saved for me over the years will finally be mine. So does this mean I can wear whatever I want and go wherever I want? No, it doesn’t. It means, if my husband is lenient, if he says I can do this and that and if my mother in law lets me, I can do some stuff, within reason. Now, I’m maybe 18/19 at this point. I’m married, I wear makeup all the time, maybe I go to university if my husband is kind enough to let me go and what’s the logical next step? Kids. If I don’t get pregnant within the year, most people will gossip about if something is wrong and what not. Everyone will be pressuring me to have a kid. Once I do have that kid, I’ll raise him or her. I’ll stop going to university, or maybe I’ll be able to finish by some miracle, but it won’t matter because my husband won’t let me go to work anyways. And why would he? I have an infant to take care of. Why should I be going to work? And then I’ll probably have some more kids and raise them too. And then my first kid will be old enough to get married and I’ll marry them off (or get them a wife, depending of their gender) and then I’ll take care of their kid all the time because if they’re a guy, they’ll still be living with me. All my life, I will listen to what my parents and brother told me, then my husband and parents in law (and if I have older siblings in law, them too) and and then I’ll just raise my kids and forever live for someone else. I’ll never be able to live for me or be independent. (Side note, the whole ‘I’ theme I have going on this whole paragraph isn’t exactly accurate, but I do know many, many women who have lived through such a life and more women who are currently living such a life. The only reason I kept saying I is because I didn’t want to use different pronouns and get myself confused. Trust me, my fate will most likely be very different from this) (this is the only part of this whole thing that’s not about me personally)

And now, I’ll share what happened today. Today is August 20th and it’s a big Muslim holiday. My mom woke me up at 7:00 AM and my dad was pissed that I woke up so late. (Which is fucking bullshit, because all summer long, I’ve been waking up at 9-11 and no one gave a damn). My mom was telling me how my dad said a bunch of stuff to her about me. But that was only the start of the day. Then we all went to my grandma’s house (they live down the street which is why we’re always there) and my cousin’s cousin was also there. (I’m not related to him and I know him very distantly). All the males sat on the table, but because there were no room for the girls, we all ate on the floor with a table cloth (it’s not as bad as it sounds, it’s actually part of our culture to eat on the floor) and when we were done eating, some people left. There were just enough people to fit at the table, with me as the only person with no place to sit. I was eating some watermelon, standing next to that guy (my cousin’s cousin, who is 18) and my mom motioned me to go somewhere else to eat it. Now this guy, he could care less about me. He wasn’t even looking at me, but my mom was telling me not to be anywhere near the table, on the off chance that he... I don’t even know what she was so afraid of. What would he possibly have done?! But that’s okay, that doesn’t matter. After a while, my parents and my siblings went to my other grandma’s house, who lives pretty far away. When we got there, there were a bunch of people. A lot of the women were doing chores and the only guys (my mom’s cousins) were sitting at the table outside. I went inside and sat around for a while. I will admit I didn’t do any chores during that time. My mom said we’d all go outside and eat there (it’d been a couple of hours since lunch), so I went outside and the only people sitting down were my dad, my mom’s cousin and my 6 year old sister. There were a few women doing this and that. I asked (in English) where I should sit. My dad gave me the dirtiest look and told me to go inside and eat with the woman. I told him nobody was eating inside, so he told me to go help with the chores. I was pretty angry, but I didn’t say anything. I just went inside and ate my food quietly. All of the little kids were playing with water guns outside and my brother joined them for a while. Everyone was laughing and smiling. After a while (my brother had already started doing something else) I started playing with them too and everyone was all like “you’re getting wet” “you don’t have any other clothes” “what are you doing, you’re a big girl” and all that shit. So I stopped and I went inside. Some time later, the men had dinner outside, while the women ate inside. My mom and aunt went outside and sat with their husbands and cousins. I stayed inside. I did some chores and helped out my other aunt. When I finally went outside, hopefully to get a drink and maybe finally get to talk or something, my mom immediately started giving me the empty plates and dishes. When I was trying to drink a cup of Fanta, I was handed a plate with a cup on it, and while I was still drinking, she kept handing me stuff as if she expected me to put it on my heads or something. I was barely able to balance it on the plate with one hand. Eventually, I finished cleaning (after I was almost done, my mom started getting the little kids to help me) and sat down for a few minutes and then we had to leave. In the car, I sarcastically thanked my mom for an amazing holiday and she was like “what do you mean” as if she literally has no idea why I didn’t like this holiday. And then she was like “what? you’re not going to go to your grandma’s anymore?” (We go to my grandma’s house literally every week and the other grandma’s every day) and I said “yeah, you all force me to go” and she ended the conversation by saying “I’m not even going to think about this or I’m going to get so mad” as if she had any right to be mad at what I was saying.

I know that almost all of this was a rant about my personal experiences, but this was partly to get some stuff off my chest and partly to show you guys what Asian girls go through. Every day, we’re told not to compare ourselves to our brothers and cousins, because they’re guys and we’re not. Every day, we’re told to keep our heads down and our mouths shut and not complain. Every day, we’re told that we’re girls and we were created to do housework. Every day, we’re told that we’re not equal to men. And you know what’s even worse? Every girl in this country believes it. They don’t know what feminism is, or what sexism is, or why they would ever stand up to their brothers or fathers or husbands. They believe that they’re the belongings of the oldest man in the house and that it’s their job to clean and cook for everyone. They don’t even know that this isn’t how it works in other countries. They just do as they’re told and live by the orders of the men in their lives.

Now I want to note something important here. My life isn’t all that bad. Yes, my parents and relatives can be misogynistic as hell at times, but they’re also considered to be very open minded amongst other people who live here. If they weren’t, I wouldn’t even know that this kind of behavior/treatment isn’t the norm. My parents allow me to do many things that I know for a fact other girls aren’t allowed to do. So I guess, for as bad as I think I have it sometimes, there are millions of girls who have it much worse and don’t even know of anything different.

But please, don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not trying to trivialize American or European girls’ problems or experiences by saying that mine are worse. The pink tax, equal pay, sexual harassment (on women or men), misogynistic dress codes, unfair laws or regulations, victim blaming, etc they’re all a huge problem and everyone should be working together to fix these issues, but they should also acknowledge that there are women who are being treated horribly on an endless cycle where pretty much no one gives a damn.

I’m not going to ask for reblogs or likes, but I would like to talk to people who have gone through a similar experience to mine, so if anyone can agree with what I’m saying, please message me and we can talk about the similarities and differences in our situations.

And for anyone who read all the way down here, man you deserve to be called a saint.

[mcthieus]

it’s ya girl moose back at it again what’s good ?? as per usual....HMU or LIKE THIS if u wanna plot and i’ll come to u. matty is not as big of a pos as most of my other character so hopefully y’all like him. catch his pinterest HERE. more info under the cut~

( jeremy allen white )? no that’s ( mathieu sauvé ) the ( twenty-four ) year old ( hockey player ). who has been in town ( one year ) and reminds everyone of ( crushed beer cans, freshly sharpened ice skates, and goofy chipped tooth smiles ). maybe it has something to do with the fact the ( cismale ) is always ( self-indulgent & vacuous ) or ( enthusiastic & dependable ). either way ( he/him ) is apart of the town.

goes by matty bc most people can’t say mathieu right. if u call him matthew...........he will be very upset because he is a lil snooty québécois bitch !!!! idk if y’all are or know anything about french canadians but they are indeed snooty (as one of them i can Confirm)

he got a cute lil accent hon hon hon

anyway !!!! he was born and raised in montreal by a single mom, and spent basically his entire childhood playing hockey. if not on skates for the league team, then on the road playing with the other neighbourhood kids.

he had a twin named gabriel & the two of them were......absolute best friends. total inseparable but they were v different and were in totally different crowds in high school ?? his brother was more of a like.....skid i guess asdhkj like wasn’t rly in the good crowd & he was bullied a lot in school and......matty wanted to stick up for him but at the same time didn’t want to like fuck up his own reputation u kno ??  he was kind of a dick

gabe ended up passing away from an overdose after a party when they were 16 and it was rly fucking awful like......that’s was his twin man and suddenly he was gone??? and suddenly he was filled to the brim with guilt and regret for not sticking up for him and helping him out when he had the chance

he was very angry about the whole thing & rly......actually made him better at hockey??? it provided him a rly good outlet to get his frustrations out

and also he partied a LOT

his professional hockey career started when he was 18, right out of high school playing for the ahl toronto marlies and played for them up until last year

he is what the cool kids call a goon........or an enforcer if u wanna be fancy. basically that mean he just.....fights people?? like anyone who does one of the better players or the goalie dirty it’s just his job to fuck them up by checking them v aggressively or just....decking them ( which he prefers tbH he luvs to fight)

so he isn’t really great at the game itself but he is good at what he does and he gets a fuck ton of penalties but that just means he’s doing his job right (kind of shdifjf)

his nickname is the suave scrapper

rn he is a prospect for the arizona coyotes and plays for their ahl affiliate, the tuscon roadrunners. he just played with them for the first time in their 2017-2018 season

and honestly thank god bc he fucking hates toronto with a passion. decided to live in tallow bc it seems like a nice lil place and he doesnt mine the commute.

he......hates the weather tho like ya boi needs the cold to live!!!!! his canadian ass is dying

10000000000% a mama’s boy. he misses his mom so much....prob talks to her on skype or facetime every day. she is his entire world and he loves her sm

probably the dumbest person u will ever meet. he lacks academic smarts as well as just general common sense. ur run of the mill idiot. he’s very like.....me play sport, me punch things. probably just recently learned how to do his own laundry

basically a man child

he loves food and he eats A LOT. but he is an athlete so he needs those carbs goils !!!!!! he rly loves american food like give him a big ol’ cheeseburger and he’s drooling like a dog. also loves breakfast foods like way too much

but other than that he’s generally v healthy bc...he’s gotta be

has had too many concussions to count and has a bunch of fake teeth after having ‘em knocked out or chipped while playing hockey. he won’t tell u which ones tho. but it’s a lot

he was really popular and cool in high school (bc that’s how hockey bois be) and he had a lot of girls that like fawned over him, which rly distorted his own perception of himself and now he thinks he’s like.....rly hot shit and that he’s very charming when really he’s just a big dumb oaf 

but he honestly just........loves girls so much??? he loves everything about them and he’s very open about this. like...not even just banging girls but just generally he thinks that girls are the most wonderful beings to grace the earth and he will worship any girl who even TALKS to him or gives him the time of day. girls are so magically and he has a crush on every girl he meets

he’s definitely the kind of person to have had a lot of girlfriends in the past not bc he’s a player or anything but bc like i said....he has a crush on every girl ??? he just gets so lonely when he isn’t like seeing someone or isn’t like.....flirting with or like doesn’t have a thing with someone i guesS???? he just loves love and has a lot to give

thinks ppl who are just being nice are flirting and thinks ppl who are flirting are just being nice

so he’s like........lowkey a soft boy even tho he is very.......punchy

at the same time tho he is kind of a dick and will be like.....talking to other guys about how many girls he’s fucking and how he’s such a ladies man and whatever but he actually is......a bumbling mess and the worst at flirting but that doesn’t stop him from trying

doesn’t understand that sex doesn’t equal feelings ??? and.....fwb don’t rly work out for him bc he is destined to catch feelings and then be like shook when they aren’t reciprocated

just recently got out of a pretty long relationship?? him & his girlfriend lana tried to make it work long distance bc she didn’t want to leave toronto and it didn’t work out, and she dumped him a few of months ago. he found out that she was cheating on him both before and after he moved away. it was very difficult for him & they dated for a p long time so he is still like....v heart broken but he’s getting back out there

he started smoking because lana did and he wanted her to think he was cool and now he wants to quit but can’t bc.....every cigarette reminds him of her and he’s a big sappy idiot with a broken heart

but he doesn’t do any drugs!!!!! obviously he is a Sports man

he drinks a lot tho. always has and always will love beer with a burning passion. he parties a lot and is basically always hungover but he’s here for a good time not a long time!!!!!!!!!!! just wants to have fun and do this Thing

he is very social and can’t like......stay home alone for long period of time??? like he needs friends and needs to be out doing something or else he goes insane

he is very loyal tho like.......would definitely set himself on fire & fight 7 thousand people for u if ur his friend

very goofy & always joking around. to be quite honest..............he is a walking talking Meme

he is a simple man. not very complicated. he’s honest for the most part and what u see is what u get. a very good listener. u can depend on him and he will b there

probably definitely mostly straight but who knows tbh

ok here’s some connections y’all can...throw at me

workout buddies!!! u know he’s living that Gym life & doesn’t like to be alone so that would b lit

friends!!!! pls he needs...........................so many or else he will Die

hookups !!! fair warning tho he will.....prob fall in love w them

party pals !! ya boy is a party animal and again...he ain’t gonna do it alone!!!

maybe....someone that makes him rly mad & he wants to figHT them

idk to be honest.....anything

more can b found here