#so hes more experienced with lgbt stuff given what his sister

[origamistarsandco]

Alright this one's probably best for the tags.

[metellastella]

Mao Mao Pride Week Prompts, Part 2

A continuation of the prompts put out by @maomaosmother Previous batch here: https://metellastella.tumblr.com/post/621726687992872960/hello-everyone-happy-pride-month-to-all-of-you

4. Who I am

Mao said, “You know how some people like B.C. marry the other sex and have children to ‘fit in’?”

“Yes.” Snugglemagne said. “It’s something that’s crossed my mind once or twice, to be honest.”

Mao started in surprise. “Really?”

“Yes, to continue the throne. Hard to imagine committing to someone you weren’t drawn to, but …” he shrugged. “Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad?”

Mao rubbed his chin. “I don’t think a lot of people would agree with you there. But. For my own part. A good number of Mao members choose celibacy, because of our offered teachings. Would that not simply be a form of celibacy, just on one side, not the other?”

The king thought about it. “Well, it does seem to make it more manageable, when put that way. I’ve been visited by groups of nuns traveling from their covenants, and they don’t seem to be worse off for it. But, obviously it’s easier for women than men.”

“There are friars, too,” Mao pointed out. “Wanderers. Tending to the poor. Stand-up characters. I felt lucky whenever I’d run into one. Camped out with a few of them in my time. Nice fireside chats.”

“Oh, yeah.” 

“Both of those genders we just talked about  . . . and we in the clan tend to think of all of it, more of as an option. Not a core part of who I am.”

“Hm.”

“How about yourself?”

“I’m with your battle partner on this one, Mao.” 

He nodded. “Fair enough.”

The cat chuckled. “It was kinda cute on nights when he’d pick up a partner and I wouldn’t, and he would get all anxious on my behalf, and, say, ask if they should go to a different floor and not the next room so I wouldn’t feel more ‘lonely.’ He just doesn’t get it’s not that big a deal. He never has.” he shrugged. “And, heh, I have more than enough training to block out distracting sounds from my mind, and I sleep really deeply. But, I appreciate his being concerned over me anyway.”

“I guess I might think of it a little less as a central tenet than he does. After all, I haven’t been actively courting anyone since you both got here, or a little before that, either.”

“So, nothing to do with me?” Mao quirked an eyebrow.

“Heh, unfortunately not. I’ve experienced ‘love at first sight’ before, but for your particular case, it crept up slower. Sometimes that’s just how it is.”

Mao opened a gloved hand. “Right! That’s kinda like the point I was going to make about marrying someone the spouse wasn’t drawn to. Think of the reverse! At least among us siblings, no matter whom we’re drawn to, or how strongly, we tend to seek the same sex a lot, anyway, because it’s just much less hassle and worry, you know? Somewhat because we have warrior duties that take precedent over having children and domestic life, somewhat because we’re wielders, when mixed-magic-and-non-magic opposite-sex pairings can be complicated. We do have, not only the magical blockers to consider, but we’d like to have more wielder children if we’re going to pair up and take that risk in the first place. My sisters would be … I guess a word for it might be … embarrassed? Or frustrated …? To go through an entire pregnancy and not ‘gift’ the world with a wielder. A new dragonslayer! It’s not just outside pressure, either! The bond between a wielder child and parent is just … unfortunately more satisfying than not.”

Mao paused, examining the non-magical animal’s face.

The lion carefully guarded his expression at that. It really didn’t sound like prejudice. He seemed apologetic enough. But it felt that way.

Of course, he could never understand it fully. 

If Mao was looked down on for being the weakest … what gauntlet must a non-magical child born into the clan go through??

Maybe it was sheer, pure benevolence on the womens’ part to do what they could to prevent that. 

But that in itself was kind of hard to think about. 

Mao didn’t get any hint as to his thoughts.

Another animal might have given into an angry or irritated expression, but the king’s diplomatic and political training paid off. 

Not finding anything amiss, Mao resumed. “Sometimes, we just want to let off steam. We seek the same sex. Sometimes, in the past, despite being drawn to both sexes, I’m not really all that attracted, but I want the option anyway. The ‘option’ concept goes both ways.” 

“I . . . guess I understand that, though I still have a hard time picturing being intimate with someone I wasn’t drawn to first. Despite my idle musings on the possibility.”

5. Obstacles

“What?” Mao’s sister asked. “Just because I’m up for fun, you think I’m any less controlled than you, little brother? Conscious decisions are just as fun. Get over yourself.”

His ears went all the way down. “I … I’m so sorry,” his green eyes got bigger than ever. “So sorry! I always thought you were so impulsive … How could I think so badly of my own kin…”

“Aww, it’s all right, Mao,” she backpedaled. “Oh my gosh, stop taking everything so seriously.”

But he looked genuinely grieved. “I don’t have any room to talk,” he looked at his own gloved hands. “Was it my Ego defense mechanisms kicking in? A blind spot? Or … I mean … the others don’t approve of your actions either. Was I just emulating them? They don’t care as much about my actions. Is it because I’m a man, and you’re a woman? Is it prejudice?”

“Really Mao, stop stressing over it. The elders have their penalties in place for both men and women! The social aspect of it … it is what it is. All people have got their personalized hurdles in life. Like the athletes! Tiring, sure. But. Everybody’s just gotta buck up and jump over them.”

“You think maybe that’s a reference to real bucks?” the badger wondered. “Man, imagine catching an antler to the chest.” His voice faded, losing its joy. Did the lion spot him trembling? “Think of facing an even more massive caribou or wildebeast! All antlers, all business. All genders. I mean even a bare-headed female moose with her mountain of muscles is nothing to sneeze at. I do feel sorry for any one of them who might consider themselves male, though. Antlers are hard to fake. All those dudes and dudettes are WAY scarier than predators. Preds like to make out like they’re hot stuff! Psh!” the animal shook his head. “Many bovine species outweigh them several times over … ” 

“Didn’t stop me,” the black cat said confidently.

“Yeah, yeah,” the badger waved his paws dismissively at the magically strengthened animal. 

“I guess in that case the phrase ‘buck up’ might be slightly sexist,” she hummed thoughtfully. “Deer can definitely jump hurdles, though. Way higher than bears could. Like horse jumping! I wonder if their sports earn more money because the audiences like them better? It’s more graceful, they have more natural ability? Higher stakes, too. Their legs are very slender even though they’re strong … it’s very easy, with their massive weight, to totally shatter their bones if they land wrong. Even just racing, not jumping. The same isn’t true, for, say, greyhounds. Their welfare isn’t as endangered. Enough money flows that there are always magic salves on hand, but bone still takes pretty long to heal after the initial injury. But, because they’re so graceful and skilled, they’re drawn by the money rewards. Bears, who usually do it more for status and reputation, are trundling, bumbling, and clumsy by comparison. Even though they’re half-predators. How did they ever manage to make any kills in the old days? I guess a diet of mostly fish didn’t favor their developing grace and speed, as with canines and felines.”

The badger crossed his arms. “With the other type of ‘hurdles.’ I guess even though I admire you in a lot of ways, I don’t envy you outright being a woman. I can lie about attractions and pretend that I’m never drawn to men, if the situation demands it. There is no ‘closet’ for presenting as a woman. That’s tough, though you’re a wielder, so that offsets it a lot.”

“It’s not like being an average woman. Not nearly! Even if I didn’t have powers though. Being drawn to men is a whole lot harder than my stuff, too,” she disagreed.

Snugglemagne thought it was sweet how they seemed to be mildly arguing over whom to support more.

6. LGBT+ Safety

“There was the phenomenon of ‘male daughters,’ in the ancient world,” the lion said. “They were as perfectly ordinary legal designations as a birth certificate nowadays.”

“Oh?” Mai perked his ears, interested.

“Yes, I’ll give you some material on it. They lived like men did, and inherited wealth like they did. They were treated as men in pretty much every way. No having to conceal for safety concerns, like the mess in some places in the modern world. It was just obvious, and pedestrian, to that culture and those individuals. They weren’t harassed because they looked different, nor was a body seen as gender role ‘destiny.’ The approaches and conceptual framework to this issue have varied so much from place to place, and time to time.” “Can’t wait to read about it.”  

The sister made a face. “Oh yeah, that’s Mao, always holed up with his scrolls. I’m more of a party girl.”

“Same,” the badger said.

“I told him …” Mao sighed. “I told him that you all seek the same sex often too. But it’s different for guys.”

“Why?” the lion asked. 

“Remember what I said about the ‘lower’ position,” the badger reminded him flatly. “Actually, among most adventurer circles, at least, it’s totally OK for a pair of guys to get jiggy with each other, as long as neither does that. It’s called a warrior bond.” 

“The warrior bond was something B.C. and I considered,” Mao said quietly. “Out on the road, you never knew whose nose you’d run into. Subbing is not something you can conceal. With animals who aren’t nose-blind, there is no ‘closet.’ We’ve been to places where birds could do things on the sly. But that’s a rarity. Everywhere else, there are predators, or heavyweights, or wielders who’ll take a piece out of your hide for it. Of course I’d have zero problems defending us if necessary. A random group of anti-heroes or bandits just nosing around for trouble in general didn’t have any chance against me, either. But. Just not worth the hassle. Not to mention I’d want to break the nose on whoever it was. All it would take is one good pop.” He made a lighting-swift motion-retraction with his fist. 

The smiles on both the badger and the bigger cat faltered. They looked at each other in concern.

Mao either pretended not to notice, went on because he wasn’t about to soften his feelings on the matter, or was so absorbed in his own reflection that he really didn’t see them. “And I’d enjoy it too. I always did.” He glanced up at them, expression unreadable. “I won’t apologize for thinking it. In fact, I still do. Being a wielder, though, fanning those thoughts is not a good idea. I had to learn that through trial and error.”

“That’s not healthy for anyone,” the badger shook his head, “wielder or not. You’ve managed to avoid growing more of a … like … you said Blue mentioned … a ‘martyr complex’ over it? Right?”

Mao sighed in aggravation. 

“Yeah. I was in the throes of that before. Anyway. For other normal or lesser powered people, the warrior bond provides safety.” Next:  7. Marriage 8. Self-Acceptance   V Click below V https://metellastella.tumblr.com/post/622003595371544576/mao-mao-pride-week-prompts-part-3

First chapter of the fic here: https://metellastella.tumblr.com/post/617045879413719040/piercing-the-swordsman-chapter-1

[a-woman-apart]

Desperation

I wish that I had a goal in writing this. I should probably be in bed, since I get to bed so late every night and it really affects my ability to get up in the morning. The problem is that I feel somewhat disturbed underneath my haze of tiredness, and I want to get it out of my system before I try to go to sleep.

Today I slept until noon, so I really didn’t get up and get going until pretty late. Ideally I would go to sleep early and wake up early, as opposed to sleeping late and waking up very late, but that’s just one of the things that I’m bad about. I read about delayed sleep phase syndrome, and while I am not going to self-diagnose, I think that I would not be surprised if I had at least a mild form of that. If I don’t set any alarms or establish a strict bedtime, my natural sleep cycle has me waking up around 11am on average, and falling asleep at 1am or later. It is something that I have modified before, however, when responsibilities require me to do so. Changes have never been permanent, though.  

Apart from the late start, the day actually went pretty well. I was able to work on the song that I would be singing for the recital, and I went out for a few hours and shopped for things for my sister-in-law’s baby shower. Fortunately, I was able to get everything that I needed before the traffic really got too bad (even though I feel like I pretty much got stopped at every traffic light that there was). When I got home, I had a pretty low-key evening. I just finished a season of an anime that I had been watching. I did end up also watching some politically-themed and anti-capitalist videos on YouTube, but I don’t think that I “broke my brain” with “serious stuff.”

That being said, it is pretty depressing to think that the democratic system that we live under in this country really isn’t free and fair for everyone. Sometimes the alternatives aren’t very appealing either, but I know that something has to be done. I consider myself a socialist, in that I believe in more government regulation on corporations and that the government should care for the basic needs of its citizens. I will also admit that confronting the flaws in our government system is extremely daunting and overwhelming, and very often I complain without taking direct action against them. I was taught from an early age that capitalism was the best and most moral system that there was. Now I can see that in many ways that is wrong, but I couldn’t just quit my job and stop working. I’m forced to participate for my own survival, even if I don’t agree.

The lie that is pedaled in capitalist propaganda is that there are equal opportunities for everyone, and that as long as someone works hard they will gradually ascend to the top. The problem with this is that this also means that there is always going to be a hierarchy, with someone at the very top and other people below them. This also fails to take into account inequalities between people across geographical and racial divides, and the persistence of class in the capitalist system. It is often not the hardest working person who prevails, otherwise there would be no one who had to work two or three jobs and still struggle to make ends meet for them and their families. Also, while it is true that obtaining a good education helps to break the cycle of poverty, education is not freely available to all people in the U.S. and the ability to get a good education is still based upon those same geographical and class factors. In other words, very often the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, because the rich are in a position to obtain better education for themselves and their offspring, as well as already having more capital to invest into economic ventures. Additionally, those who are already better off financially can afford medical treatment that can give them increased ability to remain a part of the workforce.

Until we somehow put everyone on a level playing field by making education and healthcare accessible to everyone, we do not have a right to smugly criticize someone who is running into difficulty financially. The whole idea that someone is only as valuable as the work that they can put out is not something that I think that we want to propagate. No one should have to live on the streets, and no one should have to die of treatable illnesses because they cannot afford to be treated. No child should go hungry in this country, and every child deserves access to a good education. Without regulation, corporations would raise the prices of goods to whatever they desired, while at the same time lowering the wages of the people that work for them. It’s happened before, and it could easily happen again without government interference.

Maybe that is part of what bothers me on a daily basis. I have all of these new ideas taking up space in my head. A lot of the things that I once believed in are being challenged. I know that in the end it is something that is good, and that it is much better to be informed about things than not. For example, right now I am really hesitant about giving to charities that say they are helping people, because some “charities” have been shown to participate in unethical practices (I’m looking at you, Susan G. Komen and Salvation Army). Even charities that may have every intention to help, like charities for children in third world nations, sometimes destabilize the economies of those countries by flooding the economy with foreign goods. Sometimes someone panhandling on the side of the road is a crook. Ultimately, this doesn’t stop me from giving because it’s in my heart to help people, but I want to make sure that the help that I am offering isn’t causing harm instead.

Then there’s the ever-present matter of religion. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Christianity has helped people, but it has also hurt a lot of people as well, especially with regards to sexuality. Also, the Christian teaching that wives are to be submissive to their husbands has been used by many men to justify horrific abuse and subjugation of their wives. The shame that people have regarding gender and sexuality in some Evangelical Christian circles is immense, to the point where people are unable to talk about their fears and concerns. LGBTQ+ people are unwelcome in church. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, addiction to pornography is rampant because individual sexuality is so repressed. It has actually become so prevalent that it is rising to the surface and there are many ministries and groups within the church for men dealing with pornography addiction and sexual deviance.

Christianity and science often butt heads, as well. Evangelical Christianity has very much been the enemy of the theory of evolution. Also, many Evangelicals are proponents of conversion therapy or some sort of spiritual “deliverance” for LGBT+ people, whereas science shows that sexuality is hard-wired into the brain. You cannot “cure” homosexuality through therapy or rituals. Christianity in general, including- if not especially- the Catholic Church has historically stood against scientific progress and technology.

God hasn’t personally failed me. If I am being honest, if I look at my life it actually seems like I have been experiencing divine protection over the years. Things have always fallen into place for me, even though I have my struggles. Maybe I do have the option to be angry at God that I have schizoaffective/bipolar disorder, or that I had such a miserable childhood, but I am not. My problem with the God of Christianity lies in the fact that I am supposed to believe that despite his infinite power, the only way that he could forgive my sins was to horrifically torture and kill his only son. This also requires me to believe that each human being is born in sin in the first place, that somehow things that you do- or in this case, didn’t do- somehow stain your soul beyond all hope of redemption. I am also expected to believe that this redemption was held back for thousands of years, all so that humanity could “learn its lesson” and “know how much they needed Christ.” I am also expected to believe that after this horrific death, Jesus was raised back to life and ascended in physical form to sit at the right hand of said all-powerful God in heaven. I am supposed to believe that unless I believe all of this I am going to go to a place that no one has any evidence of, a place of “utter darkness where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth”, a place of fire where people will burn forever.

Finally, I am supposed to believe that despite 2000 years of being absent, Jesus will one day finally return in all of his glory and smite the wicked, killing so many unbelievers that “the blood reaches to the horse’s bridle”. Never mind that this is an action that seems in opposition to his previous character. The great part is that there are even more difficult things to believe than that, like stars falling from the sky, and a seven-headed dragon arising from the sea.

I don’t care if you say that most of it is allegorical. In my opinion, the things that I mainly have problems with are the basic tenants and concepts of the Christian faith. There is no way for me to get back to it, because the very basic concept of sin and redemption is one that is lost on me. I just don’t believe it anymore, pure and simple. I have not fully given up on the idea of God, however, and I still believe in miracles. I can’t explain why it seems like people get answers to prayer, but I know that for everyone who gets their answer, there are others to whom the heavens are silent. Either God plays favorites, he/she/it doesn’t have ultimate power, or there’s no God really listening and breakthroughs are coincidental.

I’m not going to lie and say that it’s easy, but it’s not. Sometimes I “want” to believe. It would certainly make things with my family so much easier. It would also give me comfort to think that I was specially created and that God has a special plan just for me. Whenever I think this, though, I just think of the incredible human suffering that exists in this world, suffering that cannot be explained away if God is both all-merciful and all-powerful. I think of how unlikely it is that the miracles in the Bible really happened, when there is no parallel for them today. Ross Blocher from the “Oh No Ross and Carrie” podcast described a “veil of time” that people create by thinking that fantastical things are more likely to have happened if they occurred a long time ago.

So yeah, there are a lot of heavy thoughts in the back of my mind at any given moment. Maybe getting older has helped me to put some things into perspective. I know I have a fairly high dose of naivete, but not when it comes to things like this. I think that people are generally good, but I do not think that it is religion that makes them so. My hope is that I can continue to be fortunate enough to see mainly the good side of humanity and experience mainly good things. I also hope that I will one day be able to use my knowledge of the dark side of things to help me stay on the path of good.

Okay, that’s it for my late-night rant.