#so here's the most personal thing I have ever written.

[billboard-hotties-tourney]

The Billboard Consolation Prizes

It's that time again, folks! We're about to hand out some more prizes, mostly to those who didn't make the finals. Some were predetermined, some were voted upon by you, the viewers! Cue the theme music.

Let's start off with our first award, The Powerful Mane Award. Sadly, we couldn't do the Powerful Mustache Award for this tournament, considering there wasn't a single powerful mustache in the bunch, but we had some wicked heads of hair this time. But the lady who took the prize this time was...

Chaka Khan! Tell me that you like her, you really like her.

Next up, the "Stop, She's Already Dead!" Award. This one goes to the hardest ass-kicking of the whole tourney. I almost considered calling this The Elvis Costello Memorial Award in honor of last tournament's hardest ass-kicking, but as it turns out...this girl was defeated even harder:

June Richmond! June lost in round two to Billie Holiday, receiving just 5.5 percent of the votes. So...you may not have won the battle, but you won this little graphic.

Up next: The "She's Still Got It" Award. As we said before, there were a lot more nominees this time around that were born...a long time ago, meaning there are a lot of nominees who are no longer with us. But let's hand out an award to the absolute queen who's the oldest-living woman out of 100+ living nominees...

Leontyne Price! Miss Price was born in February of 1927, narrowly beating out Cleo Laine for this spot, and she's still here today. She's been around so long that you could say that sliced bread is the greatest thing since Leontyne Price. Keep it up, girl!

Next is a voter's choice award: The Strong and Silent Girl Award. Named after Mike Nesmith, the original strong and silent girl, this award goes out to a contestant who made it to round five without any written propaganda. Since there was a four-way tie for who made it farthest without any written words, I had you lovely people vote on which was the hottest of the four. You said it was...

Marlene Dietrich! There's a non-zero chance she starred in a silent film or two, so I suppose that's fitting.

As has become tradition, we at Billboard Hotties Tourney present The Who? What?? Award. This one goes to the most obscure nominee in the bunch, the one whose presence confuses (not because of their looks, but because...who??) Last time it was awarded to Louis "Moondog" Hardin, but this time it goes to...

Ethel Smyth! Not the kind of nominee I'd ever expect to see here, and we probably never will again.

Next is the Failure to Launch Award, granted to the nominee with the most submissions...who then lost in round one. The starting pistol went off, they took a few steps, and tripped and fell. This time, the winner of this esteemed prize is...

Debbie Harry! Deborah had eleven nominations, and initially had a lead in her poll, but lost to Joan Jett by a small margin.

Here's a new one! Thanks to our more diverse cast of characters this tournament, we had enough nominees to introduce the Eurovision Queen Award. This one was voted upon by you, and went to the hottest nominee who participated in Eurovision. This one goes to...

Françoise Hardy! Miss Hardy represented Monaco in Eurovision 1963, competing the same year as fellow round one casualty Nana Mouskouri. She ultimately tied for fifth.

Up next: The Band Assassin Award. This one goes to the nominee who defeated multiple members of one band. When I realized that most of the nominees this tournament could qualify as "solo," I knew this one was going to be a little tough. However, there was one lady who was able to do it...

Grace Slick! Grace's first two wins were against Anna Mae Winburn and Carline Ray of the International Sweethearts of Rhythm.

So let's move on t

God, every time. So let's move on to the Spanish Inquisition Award, for the nominee that nobody expected to make it as far as she did. Be it a pleasant surprise or a "Pearl beating Trixie Mattel in that lip sync" gag, it's for the person who exceeded expectations. The winner of this prize goes to...

The Godmother of Rock 'n' Roll, Sister Rosetta Tharpe! Rosetta soared all the way to the quarterfinals before she was bested by now-finalist Nina Simone. Love you, Sister, nothing but respect for my president.

Our next award was a voters' choice, The Crossover Artist Award! The Crossover Artist Award goes to the hottest contestant who was also featured in this tourney's inspiration, @hotvintagepoll. This one comes from the original tourney, too, but this one was...very different. Last time, we had, hmm, five or six nominees, but this time we had a whopping twenty-four that participated in both tourneys. Some ladies, like Eartha Kitt and Diahann Carroll, were also competitors in the @vintagetvstars tournament! Is it a commentary on how women have to be able to do more in entertainment to be seen as a success? Who knows? What I do know is that the winner of this award is...

Eartha Kitt! Beating Marlene Dietrich by about five percent, you guys picked Catwoman this time...and since she won both the movie and television brackets, it only felt right that she at least get a consolation prize, right?

Here's another OG tourney award: The Robbed Icon Award. Here's where you guys get to gripe, and I love it. This one goes to the lady with the most controversial loss in the game, and the winner this time was...

Debbie Harry! Considering that she overwhelmingly won the Queen of the Shadow Realm election, this win came as no surprise to me; you guys were pissed.

Next is the Renaissance Woman Award, voted on by you! This one is meant as a companion to the Multi-Instrumentalist Award for the men, but since there were so many ladies that do more than music here, I decided to expand the title. Does she sing? Play an instrument or two? Write or produce? Act? Dance? Volunteer at the nursing home on the weekends? Probably not the last one, but you, the voters, decided that the most accomplished or well-rounded woman here was:

Dolly Parton! Singer. Songwriter. Actress. Businesswoman. Activist. What can't she do?

Here comes the Popular Kid Award! This one goes out to the nominee with the most nominations, and this time, we have a tie. Our winners are...

Cher and Linda Ronstadt! Each of these singers received sixteen nominations, a record for this blog.

Our penultimate award is the Miss Congeniality Award. I award this one to the nominee with the best/funniest fanbase. This one was a little bit hard, since the engagement was admittedly not as strong as the men's tournament (I get it, though) but when I looked back at all the propaganda, I couldn't help but pick...

Dolly Parton! Those who submitted her had such an outpouring of love for her that really couldn't compare. Wear your title with pride, Dolly, and do good alongside Mr. Congeniality Clarence Clemons.

It's time for our final award...The Not Just a Pretty Face Award, where we celebrate the thing we love these ladies for in the first place--their music. This one has a little bit of a long story. It was a write-in, just like last time, but unlike last time, the voters could not come to a consensus. We had a five-way tie for first place between Kate Bush, Aretha Franklin, Joan Jett, Stevie Nicks, and Nina Simone. A two-way tie? Sure, I can let that slide. But five? No. I had to consult the council...and by "council" I mean "my parents, my two sisters, and my half-brother." I had them vote from the final five to see who would take home this coveted prize. In a 2 to 1 to 1 to 1 vote, our winner is...

Aretha Franklin! Show her some RESPECT.

And that's it for this tournament, folks! I hope you've enjoyed participating thus far, and I can't wait to see how the finals go. Finals begin on October 1st around midnight PST.

[oldstormyy]

hey! i don’t know if you’ve ever talked about it before but i’m curious what your thoughts are on the dynamic of dutch and hosea’s relationship specifically when it comes to the women that have been in their lives- bessie & annabelle/grimshaw/molly- the art you’ve done exploring those relationships has always been really compelling to me and i’d like to know how you interpret them!

thank you that makes me happy becos i love the way these relationships are written.... most of my opinions on any relationships within the gang involving dutch start from the premise that i believe that dutch is genuine and honest in his feelings and words, and that gang members' love for him is also genuine. so i do think he loved molly, he loved susan, he loved annabelle... the thing is, sometimes loving someone isn't enough and things don't work out.

i do think there is always a hyerarchy of importance in dutch's mind when it comes to people, even if he might not admit that to himself. i love the writing in this game because it's nuanced and thoughtful and highlights the flaws in people and relationships. they're chasing the mythical west as much as they're chasing the idea of a family......

anyway i don't have many thoughts involving annabelle because we know nothing of her and i prefer to stick to what we know. i do think it's stupid when people say dutch didn't love her because he never talks about her. like sure whatever you say! as for bessie, i think her role in the story is incredibly interesting, but i did write a post about her here. i do stand by all that and think it's very important lol.

susan grimshaw. i understand why some people find her triggering i do. but i LOVE that she's written the way she is. if she was all good and perfect she wouldn't be as interesting. and i LOOOOVE that she's lived with dutch for most of her life, and they were in a relationship but simply decided to stay friends? fell out of love? we don't know the details, but to me it's incredible that they are like family (and they clearly have a soft spot for each other) after all those years despite being exes. i don't know, i feel like that says a lot about who they are as people--so loyal and dedicated (and also forgiving). the situationships in this gang go crazy WHICH BRINGS US TO MOLLY LOL. now i think this might be one of my most controversial takes but even if molly "deserved better" i wouldn't change a THING about how she's written. it's SUCH a good tragedy. people love to take away her agency and pin it all on dutch, and while i obviously don't deny the damage dutch did, i see her self-isolating and being delusional and spiralling. i see you molly!!!! i think she and dutch are so similar, they have similar character arcs, i would love to see more discussion about that instead of "top 25 moments of dutch being evilTM"

ok i did NOT mean to type so much but when i get started on women in red dead i go crazy. i have so much more to say. i don't even know if this is what you wanted me to talk about? anyway tldr i love red dead because of these relationships and their nuances. sometimes you can love the worst person you know and that experience can haunt you for the rest of your life, and you will find yourself forgiving this person over and over, and you will feel disgust for the love you have, and you will keep on loving anyway <3

[potions-of-dark-devotion]

Hate that people bring up the fact that we only like snape because of Alan Rickman. Ok two things: so? And no we do not. We like Snape and we like Alan Rickman. Because Rickman is the only actor that could do Snape in a proper way without making him look cartoonish or without depth. And if people like him because of Alan Rickman? So what? That doesn't change the fact that he's playing Snape. That doesn't change the fact this actor brought so many people to the character in the books and people still liked him Alan Rickman would not be playing Snape if the character did not exist. Why is it suddenly ok now to shit on fans that started out with the movies that got them to read the books? Either way I wish people would come up with a better response to Snape fans than, you only like Snape because of the movies.

It’s a classic case of gatekeeping in order to espablish a hierarchy of “good” fans and “bad fans” who aren’t allowed to like things. Alan Rickman is what JKR had in mind when she wrote Snape, even before she knew she was going to have the ability to cast him in the role. That doesn’t mean he has to be what everyone imagined when they read the books, but insulting people who are following what they’ve known since they were children us below the belt in my opinion. Of course we like Alan Rickman as Snape- he HE IS Severus Snape for the majority of us, and most of the criticisms of him not being able to further explore the character lie solely on the shoulders of the directors who neglected a large portion of narrative for Severus in the movies. Alan had to fight the last director to even have the last scene of his death be nagini and not Voldemort using Avada Kedavera on him. It was madness and clearly the series was being run by lots of people who didn’t love the narrative the way Alan did, and the way JKR had written it.

Let’s face it Alan went the hardest for this character- just as hard or harder than any of us ever could and we owe a large portion of our love for this character to him. That’s not a negative, it’s a beautiful blessing that we had him to put the amount of effort into playing Severus Snape that most would never attempt. I weep for the person cast as him in the new series, not just because of Alan’s legacy but because playing Severus snape well is a monumental task not for the weak. We’ve seen it here. When you play snape you go up agaisnt the entire fandom to fight for your existence. Whoever they cast to play him will be thrown to the wolves in the worst way. Alan delt with it beautifully.

[thenarryparable]

don't read if you are sensitive to topics about ED's. please.

Cw: Vent writing.

Also please be kind. This is about current (in Jan 2023, if I ever come back to this) events.

Numb

I always say "I feel so numb", recently.

It doesn't mean anything, in the forefront of it.

What does numb feel like?

The feeling of feeling nothing, still a feeling, always downplayed as being 'bored' or 'lazy' as people call it.

What does numb truly feel like though?

Its different for everyone. A blank mind? A empathy issue? All different.

For me it's about a girl named Ana.

A girl who wraps her arms around me and pricks at my stomach. Pinching the soft fat on my body forming a around my empty stomach. Every touch, causing pain.

She whispers awful lies I believe. She never stops talking and blabbering on about how nobody loves me, how I need to change, how I need to diet.

She makes people horrified of me, despite saying my gaunt face getting more and more disturbing is beautiful and proof im 'getting better at this' whatever this is.

She made all of my friends leave, only interacting through roleplay threads, comments I seem to forget about. I'm terrified of them though because if I get near them everything spills out of my mouth like clear, purely water, vomit.

She left me alone for weeks that felt like months. Since she drove everyone away.

Not that I had much left anyway. I soon became too tired to say a single word. Too braindead to breathe.

I couldn't chat normally for a few weeks after I met Ace, I had to learn it all over again. I'm still not good at it, I keep forgetting everything their wonderful, creative brain types out.

She completely isolated me.

Filling my brain with dreadful fog, clogging my memories lungs up so far that they choked up every memory I create as the days pass.

I almost forgot Thursday.

The beautiful angel who tried to get me out of this mess, but failed despite her best efforts. Not even getting a empty sounding 'thank you', ever. Just a 'you tried'.

How the fuck did I nearly forget her? Out of all the people who have tried me like nothing but a piece of gum below their shoe. How did I forget the only person who tried so hard to stay? The only person who didn't treat me like shit?

I don't know.

I'll never know.

Not like I'd remember anyway.

The girl has captivated my life, making me only think about weight loss and food. Nothing else.

It's almost like nothing else matters to her, as long as we are sicker and thinner.

Ana doesn't care. She rather me die then gain a pound.

She loves it when I'm cold.

The goosebumps forming on my skin, even with a heater im front of me.

The one thing I used to love, now I hate. It makes me feel like im going to die.

"Isn't that good?"

No.

It's like feeling someone strangle you until your face turns purple and you black out.

Pure misery.

Pure sadness.

Like Death. If you think that.

Ana only makes you feel dead. That's what she wanted in the first place.

She latches onto you when you feel the worst. Making you push everything away until you are alone.

She wraps her so called 'lovely' arms around your body and turns you into a self-hating mess of a person, she will continue to do this until you are nothing, until you see the light, never feeling beautiful.

Like black scribbles all over you, covering you until you are hidden away from the world.

So when I say, "I feel numb" this is what I mean.

That's what Numb feels like.

[markantonys]

just accidentally stumbled on an egwene hate reddit thread and everyone was bitching about how she tries to act like rand's equal when she's only the second-most powerful authority figure on the continent, and one sane person was like "well, balance was a huge theme of the series, so it's pretty clear that RJ did consider the dragon and the amyrlin two halves of a whole and that rand is meant to be egwene's equal co-authority rather than her superior" and of course they were downvoted to hell. and this one little thread just really epitomizes how the readers who approach WOT as a male power fantasy just fundamentally will never understand the series and its themes and the story it was ACTUALLY telling.

[dukeofthomas]

"Angry robin" "violent robin" "misbehaving robin" shut up and accept my alternative; spunky Robin. Determined and head strong, can out-stubborn the Batman, has a strong moral-backbone and does what he thinks is right regardless of what anybody else says, Robin. Jason who was sassy and quippy and made crude jokes with a smile on his face. Jason who hid in Bruce's cape and whispered gossip to him. Jason who, if Bruce refused him something, could keep bothering endlessly until Bruce caved. And also dramatic Jason. If Bruce tells him no, it becomes a whole theatrical show; a monologue, a narration, embellishments, and falling onto the floor in his grief upon the fact his cruel father has denied him once again.

(Jason who has suffered through abuse and homelessness and poverty and starvation, who is the Fight out of Fight or Flight, who's built up defenses and walls and when pushed and triggered responds with the thing that's always protected him; anger. He's sweet and kind and funny, and when he sees a pimp hitting a prostitute he gets furious and responds with violence.)

[florbelles]

finished hera & started lady macbeth and we have got to start blaming women for shit again for real

[longagoitwastuesday]

Every day I wake up regretting getting emotionally invested in Jujutsu Kaisen

[turtlespancake]

me when i write a character who is prone to dooming themself and then they run off and doom themself. core traits are stubbornness and a willingness to disregard their own humanity gET BACK HERE IM NOT DONE WITH YOU

[firendgold]

If you're still doing the choose violence ask game: 2 (👀), 9, 10, 22 ?

I got such a rush from finally answering the first ask that I'm doing this for as long as people send me questions. So here we go again!

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

anon, I'm at work. I'm seeing this at work. :'D

Okay, serious face. Albus Dumbledore is probably my fave if I have to choose between him and Harry on this blog. I just have to figure out why he would never...

Bottom. Albus would never, I'm sorry. He won't. He can't. Like, maybe when he was having his whirlwind summer romance with Gellert, he bottomed every single time they fucked because he was so in love and this was his equal and his partner and so what if he was a little rough and distant sometimes in the bedroom, and always wanted to top and tug his hair and hiss out orders? This was The Man The Universe Had Crafted For Him, and he would absolutely bottom for him every time... and then the summer of 1899 ends. And Ariana dies. And Aberforth breaks Albus' nose. And Gellert fucks off to go be a fascist.

And Albus, alone and heartbroken, resolves to never trust someone that completely again, never love someone that same way, and never let anyone get into a position of power over him where they might be able to use his knowledge and talents for ill. That means physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically... carnally. So he has sex with plenty of other people, and even falls in love with a few of them, but he is in control at all times. He never bottoms again.

That's all I've got for that one.

9. worst part of canon

So the first answer that came to mind is posted here, but for fairness' sake I'll try to come up with another worst thing. (That's not related to ships, because I'm trying really hard not to be THAT violent on the violence ask game.)

I think... that if That Woman was going to introduce international schools, students and characters in the middle book of the series, she should have done more with them than having them vanish after Goblet of Fire, only to come back for either fake romantic tension and one line of exposition about the Hitler allegory Dark Lord of the Before-Times (Krum, Deathly Hallows) or to be married off to a Weasley for an aesop of It's Not About His Looks Now That They're Jacked Up (Fleur, Half-Blood Prince). I'm not saying Fleur and Viktor HAD to be best buddies forever with Harry, but it is weird that they have this unique bond that no other young students have had with each other in hundreds of years, they even lost one of their fellow champions, Dumbledore gives this very moving speech about remaining connected and not letting darkness and prejudice sever new ties, and then... nothing. No side adventures in France or wherever Durmstrang is, no communication from either side, nothing.

Feels like a huge letdown in hindsight.

10. worst part of fanon

Oh, no. That's not fair. There's just so many.

If I had to consolidate what I currently don't like about the HP fandom/fanon into a few lines, I think I would say that I hate the pureblood/Dark side apologism. I do believe in nuance in characters. I do believe redemption and/or walking different paths is an important theme in Harry Potter, and I think it's fascinating to explore that with any and every character you can think of, even characters I may not personally like. But I really, really hate the way the fandom has taken that and twisted it into this idea that we were sold a lie at the start: that the British magical government was fine the way it was, and so was the society around it; that Dark magic Isn't All That Bad, Really, and there are actually Good and non-prejudiced things about a few rich bitches passing down their knowledge and secrets and slurs for generations within the Family, and keeping the Family "Pure" is cool actually, and none of this has any relation to real life ideas about miscegenation and classism and racism and eugenics, what are you talking about?

It's just so worrying. As a minority, when I see people on tumblr/twitter/AO3 gleefully agreeing that we need to eat the rich and fix society and eradicate all the horrid -isms and -archys ruining all our lives, then watch them turn around and write a 200k epic where Dumbledore was the evil one for locking the Horcrux books away and championing marginalized members of society, Hermione is just uppity for wanting to make necessary changes to the darker parts of magical society that That Woman was literally pointing out for a reason, and Tom Riddle is only bad because he took the good segregationist pureblood ideas and added murder to them... and when that fic gets thousands of comments agreeing with them full stop with no examination of any of that... it makes me anxious, at a minimum. The same thing is happening now with Grindelwald now that he's actually a figure on the screen and not just some dude mentioned a few times in the book series: same apologism, same justification of atrocities, same good-guy-blame-games, same blorbofication even.

On the one hand... fiction doesn't always directly reflect or affect reality. On the other... this unironic pro-pureblood meta is a pervasive concept that has popped up in thousands of fics written by thousands of fanfic writers. It's happened for years, and it keeps happening, and I see very few fans speaking out against it or even acknowledging it as a problem. So that makes me ask myself, who actually is willing and able to examine the injustices of our society and build a better imaginary society through the lens of HP fanfiction, and who's okay with the prejudice in the HP world as long as it's coming from the faves they're attracted to?

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

Happily, this is a harder question to answer because I've been finding so many like minds in the past 5 years who go feral over the same 20 HP scenes as I do. ^^ But give me a sec, I'll think of something.

...

Okay. Got it.

In order to answer this question, I have to go back to the first time I, young teenager, avid reader, recent reader of the HP series once book 5 was out, realized that Harry and Dumbledore had a much deeper relationship than just headmaster and student. The thing that made me latch on to them and project like crazy, basically.

It's the scene in Goblet of Fire chapter 36 where Harry has been rescued from Fake Moody and he's in Dumbledore's office with Dumbledore and Sirius. Dumbledore asks Harry to relay everything that happened to him once he touched the Portkey in the maze—and immediately Sirius tries to protect Harry from having to relive it now, so soon after it's happened. And then this scene happens.

Dumbledore stopped talking. He sat down opposite Harry, behind his desk. He was looking at Harry, who avoided his eyes. Dumbledore was going to question him. He was going to make Harry relive everything. “I need to know what happened after you touched the Portkey in the maze, Harry,” said Dumbledore. “We can leave that till morning, can’t we, Dumbledore?” said Sirius harshly. He had put a hand on Harry’s shoulder. “Let him have a sleep. Let him rest.” Harry felt a rush of gratitude toward Sirius, but Dumbledore took no notice of Sirius’s words. He leaned forward toward Harry. Very unwillingly, Harry raised his head and looked into those blue eyes. “If I thought I could help you,” Dumbledore said gently, “by putting you into an enchanted sleep and allowing you to postpone the moment when you would have to think about what has happened tonight, I would do it. But I know better. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. You have shown bravery beyond anything I could have expected of you. I ask you to demonstrate your courage one more time. I ask you to tell us what happened.” The phoenix let out one soft, quavering note. It shivered in the air, and Harry felt as though a drop of hot liquid had slipped down his throat into his stomach, warming him, and strengthening him. He took a deep breath and began to tell them. As he spoke, visions of everything that had passed that night seemed to rise before his eyes; he saw the sparkling surface of the potion that had revived Voldemort; he saw the Death Eaters Apparating between the graves around them; he saw Cedric’s body, lying on the ground beside the cup. Once or twice, Sirius made a noise as though about to say something, his hand still tight on Harry’s shoulder, but Dumbledore raised his hand to stop him, and Harry was glad of this, because it was easier to keep going now he had started. It was even a relief; he felt almost as though something poisonous were being extracted from him. It was costing him every bit of determination he had to keep talking, yet he sensed that once he had finished, he would feel better.

This is one of the best scenes in the entire book, the entire series. It completely refutes the fanon Dumbledore who is often cold, cruel, inflexible and unrelenting in his quest for whatever the author wants him to be inflexible and cruel about at the time. It shows that Dumbledore, the real Albus Dumbledore, is one of the few people who understands what Harry needs and is able to provide it to him, even when others who also care for Harry would rather protect him or shield him from what he needs.

Kid me was particularly taken by how gentle Dumbledore is with Harry here. It made me look back and see how in some ways this scene, this closeness, is the culmination of all the times they've met and spoken before.

(You can imagine how painful it was reading Order of the Phoenix right after this.)

But yeah, that's probably one of my favorite scenes that other people ignore or haven't talked about/drawn/written about much. Which is ironic, because the scene right after that where Harry talks about Voldemort taking his blood and Dumbledore's eyes do the triumphant "lol Voldemort just fucked up" gleam is probably one of THE most talked-about scenes in the fandom (even though to this fucking day in 2023 people still don't realize what the gleam meant, when even That Woman has clarified what it meant in INTERVIEWS).

...And for me, safely at the end of the questions, that's all she wrote.

[seilon]

you know im realizing now. with the exception of a few resident psychiatrists, ive had like. no good experiences with mental health professionals

[musical-chick-13]

UGGGGHHHHHH

[redpanda-redpanda]

Share Your Last Seven Lines/Heads Up, Seven Up

Thanks for tagging me @leng-m! Glad to see you're writing, especially after the 10k disaster. ❤️ I've actually been poking at a new story, one about a girl who hunts monsters, so this was really fun.

I had been walking for only a short time when the scream pierced the dawn.

I froze on the path, and then, low under my breath, I cursed.

It was not a human scream – it was too high-pitched for that, more like a jungle cat with a clattering, creaking, clacking hiss twisting round it. I had been told that the village of Lesa was experiencing monster troubles, but I had not expected to run into it just yet.

My hand tightened atop my cane. Even now, after nearly three years of forcing myself to go toward trouble instead of away, it wasn’t easy. I put one foot in front of the other, as quickly as I was able, but before I could get very far, a shape parted the mist and hurried toward me.

I'm gonna tag anyone else who wants to do it because I always need more writer friends. :)

[onthevirgooftears]

the midnights tracklist is fucking insane

[ariaste]

So listen i have this book coming out in uhhh 10 days and I am Worried about it, because it is a Comedy, and comedy is really hard to market (why????? it's funny pirates, what's not to like??) even when it is, yanno, normal mainstream comedy.

It is even worse when it is Unhinged Comedy That's Mostly Going To Be Funny To People On Tumblr. (For example, the main character being a supreme gremlin made of 90% memes by weight (examples: carries around a bag that is never called anything but his "little rucksack"; has a near-verbatim "stick me legy out real far" moment; talks about his metaphorical "orphan gruel bowl" which is a direct reference to that one Oliver Twist gif) because those are funny to me personally.) Unhinged Tumblr Comedy is difficult because tumblr is not a platform where it is easy to market things to people, because we are generally violently anti-capitalist and LOATHE advertisements and reflexively resist being marketed to for most anything. I LOVE that about this website. Except for right now, because I have bills to pay and a cat to feed. So look, fellow tumblr gremlins, I am just trying to say that if your personal brand of comedy is laughing at the kind of jokes that could only be produced on this hell website, and:

you like pirates

you're queer and want to read more books by queer authors

you want your fictional queer characters to be a hell of a lot more Messy and Unhinged than they often are depicted as being

you're interested in seeing a love triangle (M/M/NB) that resolves into polyamory

you want books where the hottest character gets to makes Passionate Speeches about rebelling against oppressive institutional regimes like governments and organized religions

you believe that capitalism is the most oppressive institutional regime of them all

you think it's fun when two characters have been in a 15-year-long relationship where the vibes have been "We're Newly Divorced" nearly since day one

you believe that All Cops Are Bastards and want to know what to do when you get pulled over by the boat cops

you think the Great British Bake-Off would be improved with weaponry, ritualized bribery/coercion of judges, and elaborate shit-talk

then this book might be for you. Beneath the wall-to-wall hijinks, it is political and it is righteously angry and it is the funniest thing I have ever written (which is saying something, because I have written some funny shit). It's called RUNNING CLOSE TO THE WIND. Here's a picture of it.

If all that sounds cool, you can read a review of it here and the first chapter of it here to see if it as funny as I am claiming it is, and then if you think that it is, you can preorder it here. It comes out on June 11! Ten days from now!

Thank you for letting me market to you for a minute. Signal boosting would be very much appreciated.

[primofate]

Drop the towel wrapped around you and appear naked in front of your Genshin husband

In a nutshell: That old tiktok challenge/prank. In your private, shared home of course.

Warnings: My perpetual warning as a writing mother is that I am sleep deprived. Very VERY sleep deprived. SUGGESTIVE: BORDERING ON NOT SAFE FOR WORK, written on a 10 minute timer please be gentle

Characters: Aether, Albedo, Alhaitham, Ayato, Baizhu, Cyno, Diluc, Itto, Kaeya, Kaveh, Kazuha, Neuvillette, Scaramouche, Tartaglia, Tighnari, Wriothesley, Xiao, Zhongli, implied fem!reader

Personal Favourites: Tighnari

Aether

chokes on nothing

"Y-Y-Y/N?! What're you doing?"

Comes up to you and tries to cover you up with the towel again, as if it was a sin to look at you naked in broad daylight.

Full on blush on his face and respectfully tries to look away.

"Don't surprise me like that!"

Seems not to like it but actually likes it too much to the point of getting embarrassed for himself.

Yes he's your husband but is still a precious respectful man

Albedo

Blinks a couple of times but appreciates your beauty and gives your body a slow once over. Chuckles in amusement afterwards.

"Is there a reason for this?"

Just to get his reaction, you admit.

"Well..." starts walking towards you. "I do have higher self-control than most others... but let it be known that I'm far from immune to my..."

Stops in front of you and yet again seems to eat you up with his eyes. "...needs," ends with a suspiciously sweet smile.

Alhaitham

Can't help but be a bit surprised and you can see it by the way his eyebrows go up as soon as the towel hits the floor.

Opens his mouth to say something but closes it again, as if hesitating, which is really strange for someone like him.

"...Is this the part where I sweep you off your feet and carry you to our room?" there's a bit of amusement in his tone. Stands to walk over to you.

Places a hand on your waist.

"Cause I can guarantee you that we DON'T need to be in our bedroom for things to happen...but you knew that already, right?"

Ayato

Quirks his eyebrows up, amused smile appearing on his face.

"I must say, this is a lovely surprise,"

Traces your figure with his eyes. Then approaches you to hold your waist and dip in to kiss your neck softly.

"How could I ever resist, my love, when you're standing in front of me in all your magnificence?"

Takes the longest time just admiring and basking in your beauty, tracing every little part of your skin.

Baizhu

Lets pretend the snake ain't here okay?

Does a double take.

"Y/N, first off, you'll get a cold,"

Pushes his spectacles up and gives you a once over.

"Second, you'll give me a heart attack,"

Beckons you over gently with his hand. "Come over, I suppose it's been a while since...I've done a full body check,"

Hides a grin.

Cyno

Blankly looks at you and is still processing what is happening

"Y/N? Is this... Did I do something?"

Is so suspicious that this was some kind of trap.

You tell him its simply to get a reaction out of him.

Immediately shoots out of his seat and catches your wrist.

"Then...Is it my turn to get one out of you? There's several ways to do that...and I know your favourite ones,"

Diluc

Eyes follow the towel down to the floor and head snaps back up to blink at the sight in front of him. Recovers quickly.

Chuckles as he stands and walks over. Picks up the towel and drapes it around your shoulders. "Only because it's quite chilly tonight,"

but still ends up inching the towel off your shoulder, tracing your collarbone. "Although, as your husband, I suppose it IS my job to keep you warm... So how would you like it today, love?"

Itto

"WHOA!" by instinct covers his eyes with his hands but his fingers are actually splayed apart so he can totally see through the gaps

Feels himself getting aroused

I mean the guy gets turned on even just at the sight of your neck

Suddenly stands and walks over to you, easily hoists you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and makes a beeline to your shared room.

"You're asking for it Y/N!"

Kaeya

"Oho?"

Sits back and relaxes, he doesn't really know what he was expecting. Some type of show maybe. "What's this? Finally giving me that lap dance you owe me, snowflake?"

Laughs but you're incredibly flustered at the suggestion.

Beckons you over and grabs you by the waist to sit on his lap.

"Feel that?" he whispers in your ear.

Oh you feel it alright, pressing at your upper thigh.

"Now whose fault is that? You'll have to do something about it now, love,"

Kaveh

"Archons!"

Looks away with a blush on his cheeks.

"Put something on!"

Yes he's seen you naked before, you're married, but the guy's always flustered in unexpected events.

You provoke him further by coming over, sitting sideways on his lap and wrapping your arms around his neck.

"Y/N!" He looks down at you and can't help but look at your nakedness in full and close view.

Gulps but starts to feel his body heat up, his hands suddenly, assertively planting themselves on your waist as he meets your eyes. "I don't care what you say about yourself, but know that you're the only one who takes me from 0 to a 100 in a second,"

Kazuha

"Y/N?" Chuckles nervously and takes in the sight of your body.

Smiles at you and takes your hand to kiss the back of it.

"I've seen you countless of times... Each time, I'm reminded by how fortunate I am that you chose me to take care of you,"

Caresses your cheek all the way down to your jawline. "You're beautiful, Y/N,"

He has the most tender and gentle look on his face, but its mixed with a passion that you've never seen on anyone before. "Let me show you how much I love you, dear,"

Neuvillette

Eyebrows twitches upwards in surprise. Has no clue what to do in this new situation.

He doesn't say anything but is most definitely enjoying the view of your body. You see his jaw tense up, as if he's clenching his teeth.

"Ahem," he starts. Then seems to have the most trouble prying his eyes away to meet your gaze. "Is this...perhaps another way to tell me... that you would like some attention?"

You say not really and just wanted to see how he would react.

"Ah," he lets out, as if understanding and as if the conversation has ended.

A moment of silence passes and you're starting to wonder if that was all he was going to do. But he then stands and places a gentle hand on your bare waist. "...So you're simply doing it, as people would say, 'for fun'?"

He asks, and you say yes innocently. He smiles a bit and has another hand cupping your face and thumbing your lips. "I see," breathes out slowly.

"Unfortunately, for your actions, the Iudex feels that a punishment is in order,"

Scaramouche

Raises one eyebrow as if he's bored. Then smirks.

"If you wanted it, all you had to do was ask," pulls you by the waist and makes you straddle him "But this is good too,"

Hands actually start to grope you up and down. Will fondle and squeeze in private places immediately.

"What? Startin' to feel good? S'what you get when you play games with me,"

will smack your butt the first chance he gets

Tartaglia

Immediately jumps up and in an automatic daze, eyes glued to his favourite parts, trudges towards you and attempts to bury himself in softness.

You quickly stop him and in turn HE quickly stops you. Hands easily bunching your wrists up together and angling them upwards above your head.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," he grins down at you. "Someone's being naughty,"

You complain that he reacts too fast.

Laughs, but his hand starts to unbuckle his pants and there's a dark look in his eyes. "Oh, I'm just being naughty back. When you want something, Y/N, believe it when I say I'll GIVE it to you,"

Tighnari

ear twitches. Tail swishes back and forth. Does not show any expression except slight curiosity.

"What's the occasion?"

You tell him that you just wanted to see his reaction.

He hums and nods slowly, like processing some type of complicated information.

"Wait here, I'll be back in a minute,"

You ask him where he's going and you're a bit upset at the lack of response from him.

He chuckles and returns to you, tail angling upwards in an attempt to wrap and brush against your waist. Takes your hand, presses your wrist against his lips and seems to take a slow breath in.

"I'm merely clearing off my schedule for today. Now, be patient, I'll be back,"

Wriothesley

Almost spits out his drink but gulps it all down instead.

Eyes widen a fraction at the sudden act but his hand is already loosening his tie.

"Wait right there precious," chuckles while he says this, tie already falling to the ground, now unbuttoning his vest. At the same time walks over to you urgently as if you're going to disappear but laughs nervously while he's at it.

"I swear you'll be the death of me,"

Looks like he's going to pounce on you but when he reaches you he only gives you a chaste kiss, as if asking for permission first.

You suddenly remind him that he has a LOT of things to do today, appointments and all.

Actually barks out a quick laugh. "You're not really expecting me to walk out now? As far as I'm concerned," pulls you flush against him and kisses your jaw "The only thing I need to do today is you,"

Xiao

"Wh-Wh-What do you think you're doing?!"

caught unprepared. Crosses his arms and looks away. Pretends he's uninterested but his eyes still dart back to look at you.

You ask him if he likes what he sees.

He now completely looks away from you. A few seconds pass and when he turns his head back to look at you there's now a carnal look in his eyes.

He walks towards you slowly and captures your chin to tilt it up. Looks down at you as if he hasn't eaten a meal in days.

"...When I'm done with you tonight you'll get your answer,"

Zhongli

Chuckles. Amused.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, dear?"

You shrug and even do a turn for him. He watches you carefully and takes in the image in front of him.

Smiles and strides over towards you. "Truly a magnificent sight," brushes his fingers against your neck

His eyes trail downwards and isn't shy about looking at your body. "Might I remind you my dear, my stamina surpasses that of a normal human," he smiles at you sincerely.

You tell him that you're well aware. He just chuckles again.

"Then you know well what'll come next,"

End

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