#so help me i WILL eat a magatama before this game ends

[stealthnoodle]

Engineering 101: Let's Play Tears of the Kingdom

I haven't liveblogged a game in mumblemumble years and I've got Tears of the Kingdom in my hot little hands, so here we go! There will be spoilers, obviously, so everything's under a cut. Mute "stealthnoodle plays loz: tears of the kingdom" to opt out of this ridiculous experience.

I'm not sure far in yet--there are two quests under Main Quests marked "Complete" and two in progress, if that helps orient without spoiling!

Had to restart 5 seconds in because this game detects the language from the console setting and I don't want my first playthrough to be (slowly) in Japanese, lol.

Zelda wants to do her nerd shit but I want to spiderclimb on the ceiling, and guess who has the plot reins right now? Imma skitter.

A kingdom of weird-looking people in the sky, you say? Zelda's ancestors confirmed for bird-fuckers.

I am so intensely SMT brain-rotted that I saw a glowing magatama and expected Zelda to eat it. I don't care if it just tumbled out of a freaky mummy, it is probably full of skills and stats!

Aw man, I got Metroid Fusioned. :(

And now I got Luke Skywalkered! :D

I am truly in my element now: half naked and plummeting recklessly to an uncertain doom.

Robot foes AND robot friends! What a world. Zelda wants me to come meet her in what I presume is her new nerd paradise but I have frogs to catch. Surely she's known Link long enough at this point to expect my behavior.

SHAGGY CRANE WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME

Shows up 15 minutes late with toasted mushrooms

"Rauru - Source of the Right Arm" is fully hilarious, no notes. Full marks for long flowing hair, taking advantage of big ear real estate for piercings, and goat face. Top 10 Glowups of All Time

I can't wait to find out who my new pussy is gonna come from.

Oho, I got a bow now. It's over for you shaggy crane bitches.

ULTRAHAND. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE. Everything I own has a rock permanently fused to it now and I've never been happier.

I should be allowed to build with birds.

LOL I just got my first game over by dropping a heavy metal hook on my own damn head

After a tremendous amount of fucking around I have finally entered the Temple of Time, found another magatama, somehow still not eaten it, and gotten a magical handshake from a brief apparition of Zelda that lets me reverse the motion of an object. This is by far the magical power that would have the most practical application for me, a person with two cats.

Ascend is the funniest one, though. Love swimming up solid stone and popping out of the floor like I'm surfacing in a backyard pool. Canceling it is even funnier, like, well, now that I've had a peak at what's going on up here, I am choosing to return to the depths. Ta-ta.

I stuck my broken Master Sword into a ball of light and it went to what I guess is the Zelda Dimension so she could give it a little hug? That hug agitated a dragon and cleared up the weather. At least we go to show each other our new outfits.

(I will NOT wear a shirt except when the plots mandates one onto me. That is how I played BotW and I'm not giving in to Big Modesty now. Tiddies of the Kingdom)

Anyway I'm loose on Hyrule so further bulletins as event warrant.

I lied, one more important thing: I solved your little engineering puzzle on my first try with my hardcore GAMER STRATS.

I am very good at building sound structures, you see.

[4ragon]

do u have any thoughts on engarde? I kinda struggle to understand his character tbh

Yeah, sure, I get that. I have plenty of thoughts on Matt Engarde!

Aside from being one of the few people able to trick the Magatama (and hoo boy do I have A LOT of thoughts about the Magatama mechanics I could probably write an entire essay on that alone), he’s also just a scummy dude. He’s the epitome of one of those rich famous assholes who has never experienced a single consequence in his life, always skating by on good looks and money. He doesn’t care about who gets hurt while stroking his own ego, and you know what? That’s not nearly as unbelievable as I wish it was.

Everything about him is a performance, but not in the way that we see with other villains. He’s not hiding to protect himself, he’s simply playing the world around him like a fiddle. He’s vain and conceited, and likes having the world catered to him. I think that’s part of why he puts on this airheaded surfer bro affect constantly. Part of it is so that people will underestimate him, part of it is that the people just sort of feel like they have to take care of him, part of it is that it helps make people like and trust him. He’s not dangerous, he’s just kind of stupid, he couldn’t possibly do any serious damage. And it’s easy to see why people just eat it up, he plays the role really well.

And I think he gets a kick out of it? Just given the way he did his big reveal, like “Oh let me just consult ‘myself’...time for you to meet him I guess’. Like, I’m sure it was at least partially a weird translation thing, because that’s a wild way to pull a “You haven’t even seen my final form,” but I think it also just is one big game to him. He’s just having fun! The world loves him. The world sees him as this dumb pretty boy who doesn’t have to think about anything other than one-upping Juan Corrida, and all he has to do is play along and he can get away with just about anything. He can destroy a woman’s life. He can hire someone to kill a man in cold blood. He’s untouchable as long as he can act the part.

And the worst part is? He doesn’t feel a single shred of guilt about any of it. That’s clear enough by how easily he could fool the Magatama. “I never lied. I didn’t kill anyone. My hands are clean.” He’s perfectly content with the fact that he orchestrated this whole murder thing, perfectly fine with blackmailing Phoenix to get him out of trouble. Again, he says these sorts of things gleefully. It’s a game to him! Why should he care about the fact that he’s gotten multiple people killed as long as he gets away with it scott free?

I think Matt Engarde makes for a really effective villain for two reasons. Reason one is that I think most people really do get caught up in his act. Even when the player starts to suspect him, it’s so much like “Him?? Really? Is he even capable of pulling something like this off?” And then, the reveal hits, and you realize you really have been played for a fool this whole time. And reason number two, after that big reveal, after all his cards are on the table, you realize this piece of shit still has you under his thumb! You know he’s playing you, and there’s not a fucking thing you can do to stop it!

I think I mentioned this before, but the fact of the matter is, Phoenix is playing the role of the bad guy in this case. He’s defending a murderer, accusing an innocent woman to get him off the hook. The case is less about Matt Engard as a villain, but more about “Am I willing to stick to my morals with Maya’s life on the line?” And Matt Engarde’s selfishness is what puts you in this position. 

And at the end, right before Franziska von Karma swoops in to save the day, you are given that choice. Do you let this smug bastard win? Do you save both him and Maya, condemning Adrian Andrews to a fate she absolutely doesn’t deserve? Or do you betray him, this smug, selfish, irritating monster who will take Maya down with him? Which is right? Saving the life of someone you care about, or doing the morally right thing? That shit sucks! I know everyone I’ve seen playing this game the first time had to pause to really think about what they wanted here. It’s a complicated moral choice.

The fact that you hate him so much by the end of it all really drives home how satisfying it is to watch that final meltdown. (And god, telling the judge you want a ‘not guilty’ verdict for Matt after you win is so satisfying holy shit. It’s so good. Take that you smug son of a bitch.) Maybe he’s not particularly deep of a character, but man is he effective at what he does. He’s shallow, vain, selfish, and soooo satisfying to be rid of.

[turnaboutimagines]

Hey I really liked the hananaki disease one shots,, do you think you could write an alternate ending for them where the reader recovers? As much as I love angst I also love happy endings, I hope it’s not too much to ask!💕

That’s very valid, pal!  These are honestly just alternative versions that can stand on their own, more than an alternative ending.  The language in this is just as flowery too though because it’s fun to write.  ;-)  Similar situations to the OG post, but the boys get their happy endings here.[The OG Post, is ANGST and features both Reader death and major character death.]Content Warning: Mentions of coughing up flower petals with blood and pain as per Hanahaki Disease’s premise (tl;dr, you start coughing up flower petals that slowly gets worse due to unrequited love.) 

Miles Edgeworth.

It’s hard not to fall in love with Miles Edgeworth.  While he may remain oblivious to it, you see the longing looks people give him and hear the hopeful flirtations in their voices.  But you know him too well, better than any of them, and watch all of their hopes wilt.  

He’s not malicious, you know, but relationships… well, he doesn’t think they’re his style and romance in general is a ‘nebulous concept’ to him.  You’ve heard as much for yourself over late night cups of tea.  “You aren’t missing out on much,” you’d laughed at the time and earned a rare, appreciative smile in return.

It’s the kind of smile that made warmth blossom in your chest, longing for seeing more such smiles on him.  Happiness and acceptance truly do suit him well, he deserves them and so much more.  And you want to continue to help provide those things for him to the best of your ability at his side as he continues to move forward.

You just happened to get unlucky that evening, finally coughing up a white rose petal flecked with crimson blood.  You’d spent too many evenings with him, bonding over tea and games of chess…  You’d fallen too deeply and there was no going back.  

You resign yourself to your fate.  He’s worth it, even if your wish won’t be able to come true.

The thorns dig into your lungs more with each breath and flurries of petals now coming up instead of just the single ones…  It all points to one fact: Your time’s running out.  So, you choose to spend as much of your time with him as you can.  Perhaps it’s selfish of you, knowing that it’ll hurt him all the more when you’re suddenly gone.  Yet he’s looking so haggard from how hard he’s running himself in the name of his work, it’s hard to stay away from him when you can be there with him to encourage him to take breaks and eat well.  

It’s a good way to spend your final days, at his side as you try and make him as happy as you can—wanting to see more of his elusive smile before you go.

You just so happen to get unlucky once again on one such evening, it happens while you’re playing a chess match with him as you discuss each of your days.  The coughing fit descends upon you too quickly.

You can only cough into your hand, wrapping your fingers around the red and white petals stained with your blood to hide them from view.  It’s a good thing, too, because by the time you’ve cleared your lungs, his hand’s on your shoulder as he looms over you—worried.

“Are you all right?”

You’re tired, you realize as you stare up at him with the proof of your illness in hand.  More importantly, you decide on a whim that he deserves the warning.  You unfurl your fingers and hold up your palm to him, refusing to meet his eyes as regret quickly blooms in your chest.  He grows as pale as a lily, eyes flickering nervously between you and the petals while his grip on your shoulder turns into a death grip.

“…Who is it?”

You spare a sad smile in his direction, torn between not wanting to place this particular burden on him, but also not wanting to lie to him.  You’d already done enough damage with your first impulsive action, another one may break him.

“Please… tell me.  I need to know.”

He releases your shoulder and instead hesitantly places a finger underneath your chin, tilting your face toward him to make you look at him.  You’ve never seen this expression on his face before, there’s a strange combination of hope and dread he presses the issue.  It’s all it takes to crumble your resolve…

“You, Miles.”

The single word hangs in the air.

He laughs, equal parts disbelief and relief with a light wheeze making it rough around the edges.  You can only blink up at him, shocked at hearing such a sound come from him (as adorable as it is), but especially in this context.  He clears his throat, a crimson blush spread across his cheeks as he averts his gaze and crosses his arms back over his chest.

“Ngh, I, um, apologize.”  He looks back to you, gaze intense as ever as his finger taps nervously at the crook of his elbow.  “I just… recently, I’ve… also had it… because of you.”

“Because of…?”

When the realization hits, you don’t hesitate pull him down to your level by his cravat and capture his lips in a gentle first kiss.  He freezes for a moment, but quickly relaxes into it as his lips fumble a bit awkwardly against yours.

You both smile into it, not minding the slight metallic taste in the slightest.

Phoenix Wright.

Phoenix never fails to make you laugh or feel special, drawing you helplessly into his gravitational pull of non-stop trouble as he does with so many.  The way he looks at you shines with life and his smile is pure and utter sunlight.  Everything feels different with him, more vivid and just… special.  There’s simply no other word that will do for him.

You’re just friends, though.  Or you were.  Now, you’re best friends and always will be… which is even worse.

Yet he says as much with such brilliant happiness that it should make you feel warm, too.  But it doesn’t.  Each time he says that dreaded word, it feels like a cold shadow’s cast over your heart.

It should be enough to prevent anything from growing, but… it isn’t.  Not for you at least.  These cursed feelings have only flourished in-spite of it until they came to bloom in a violent fit of coughing.  The single yellow petal, long and slender, stares up at you from its place on your desk—the red drops around it reminding you of what is to come.

However, it is not yourself that you think of first, but Phoenix.  Perhaps it’s because the sunflower petal reminds you of him or, maybe, you truly have fallen in too deep.

As hard as it is, you tear yourself out of his orbit, wanting to minimize the damage you do when you disappear from his life.  You want to preserve that precious smile of his as best you can and that means absolving him of any guilt he may feel from learning the truth.

The yellow petals are coming more frequently, now in clusters, and you can feel the stalks taking hold in your lungs—breathing is becoming harder with each passing day.  Perhaps that’s why you finally respond to one of Phoenix’s texts and agree to stop by the office to have a talk.  He never gave up on trying to contact you…as lucky or unlucky as that may be.

It’s at least an opportunity to grant him some closure.  A proper goodbye.  You should give him that much… it’s kinder in the long run.

Yet it’s excruciating for you, just sitting beside him on the sofa.  There’s no light in his eyes or beaming smile on his face, then, and his hands are jammed into his pockets.  He’s worried and it’s all because of you.

But it’s kinder in the long run.

“Why have you been avoiding me lately?”

“…I’ve just been busy.  It’s got nothing to do with you.”  A lie said with a smile is still a lie, 

He purses his lips, eyes darting around you at invisible objects.  And he is.

The magatama… you’d caught him using it before and he’d trusted you enough to tell you about it.  He doesn’t need it to know you’re lying though, he knows you too well, but still… you can’t help but bristle at it.

“Phoenix—”

“—Please, you know you can tell me anything.  Just… don’t lie to me.  Not about something this serious, especially if I’ve done something wrong.”

“I… you haven’t done anything, Phoenix.”

He frowns at you and takes your nearest hand, making your heart lurch its way into your throat.  “Then… what is it?”

“I—”

“—can’t tell you,” is what you want to say.  But you choke over your words, face losing all its color as you seize up.  You hear him call your name with worry, but you descend into a coughing fit and hack up another cluster of yellow petals into your hand.  There’s no point in hiding them.

He stares at the yellow petals in growing horror, too clever for his own good as he rapidly connects the dots.

“…that’s why.”  You work up your courage and smile at him.  “Because I love you romantically, Phoenix… not platonically.”

Suddenly, you’re pulled into a tight embrace, and after a few moments you hear him sniffle quietly.  You sigh and try and reach around to rub his back to comfort him, but your hands trapped firmly in-between your chests.

“I love you, too.  Romantically.”  He tightens his grip around you further.  “I realized and I’ve been meaning to tell you, but you’ve been… avoiding me.”

Now it’s your turn to make the connections.

“You…you’re not just… saying that, are you?”

It would be just like him to try and pull something like that just to try and save your life, trying to bluff his way into requiting your romantic feelings… his loyalty is one of the many things you love about him, though.

He pulls back and shakes his head, looking serious.  “I wouldn’t bluff about something like that… and let me present some evidence on the matter.”

The smile returns to his face as he closes the distance between the two of you and steals a kiss.  

His lips feel so soft and warm and you can’t help but melt into it as the flowers within you wither.

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

aight

lets ends this

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i love that he's still trying to cheer her up with her terrible crossover idea

phoenix is such a sweetie

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“...so we may put this dead lawyer walking out of his misery”

hear hear 

just kill me already

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“she's now slain two high level clergymen...”

one of which was a confirmed rebel but HEY whatever ITS NOT LIEK YOU KILL THEM IN GENERAL ANYWAY

who gives a fuck this trial is janked

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“bahlgilpo’kon hell- the realm of eternal agony”

wow eternal agony is the bottom hell??? thats like the first hell in dante’s hells; youre soft as runny shit kooraheenism.

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“there she will suffer the endless punishment of ja’gar by the galuun of Puhlmo’ten.”

SUBTITLES PLEASE 

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he was killed during the rite but they only found his body like two days later?!?!

what the fuck!?

...and wait a fucking second, he wasnt there when we were fucking investigating BULLSHIT

BUUULLLLLSSSHHHIIIIIIT!!!

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two consecutive murders constitutes a serial killer??

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every time sadmad sighs and shakes his head i lose a year of my life

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Rayfa’s voice is so fucking unfitting; she’s got the voice of a 30 year old woman and she’s supposed to be a whiny-ass 14 year old

do these people know anything about casting??

is it really that hard to get a 14 year old to say a few lines? i was voice acting (not professionally obvs) when i was 14. i sucked, but i was doing it, and there’ve been younger kids working on real shows.

anyway 

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welp looks like this mcfuck is using a fake name

someone get on that

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I'm sorry you’re surrounded by such incompetence, Rayfa. and i mean that. i like you now, youre kinda funny.

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phoenix: plus, yesterday, someone told me how the divination seance used to work

phoenix fucking sucks at keeping secrets jesus christ holy fuck just SHUT UP ABOUT THE REBELS YOU MORON

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if he says let it go and move on again I'm going to fucking scream

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“haha! the police overlooked the clergy tattoo on the back of his neck!”

directly below the stab wound. the clergy tattoo. that has significance in their country.

Why do the Kooraheen Police suck so much ass? They can’t catch a running suspect, and apparently they’re all blind.

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HOW DOES THE JUDGE NOT FUCKING KNOW A RELIGIOUS SYMBOL FROM HIS OWN FUCKING RELIGION?!?!?

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[insert nahyuta eats (peach emoji)ass joke]

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“aren't they utterly different shapes?”

...a... peach... and an upside down peach?!

nahyuta 

im gonna blow your mind

this is called a handstand, here, do it with me

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lazy ass parents naming their kid “real name”

fuck this joke country

this is some ‘who's on first’ bullshit

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RAYFA LUSTS FOR BLOOD

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yeah it was freezing on that mountain, of course your estimate was wrong.

i knew this was coming...

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hebLINDED HER WITH SCIENCE

BEEP BA BOO BA

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“this article is small in size but huge in importance!”

just like my d––

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How... did this work? They did a great job of hiding that wound...

also no blood at the “scene of the crime”

yeah not suspicious at all

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once again the prosecution blames the detective for something they couldn’t have helped :/

GUARD YOUR ASSHOLE EMA, GUARD YOUR ASSHOLE

HOLY SHIT

INSERT REFERENCE TO ABOVE PEACH JOKE

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loud ass clock inside a secret hideout? good one, rebels. super well done.

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ahhhh

now that is clever. i like that

although, considering the length of that statue’s beak, he should’ve been impaled right through his body, so.....

you were close, SOJ

glad to see more clever twists though. 

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game ruins everything with blatant hints

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there are other cases where they can tell when two weapons have been used on the same wound

why cant they tell now?

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stone sharp enough to cut skin??

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your hideout is fucking death trap

good going rebels

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youre using serial killer wrong... again

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thats a lie, nobody likes swiss cheese

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LAY OFF CHEESE YOU PIECE OF SHIT

ILL RIP YOUR ASS OUT

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“what you said is total bullshit!! heres what happened; this, this this. and since I said it ,its true! without any proof!!! SO THERE”

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phoenix: VALID POINT!

sadmad: bullshit excuse

judge: sounds legit, overruled!

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“jeez just toss me an Axe if its that bad...”

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“plotting your escapee from this sacred hall?”

yeah well just run out

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“you would pin a crime upon the dead, who you know tell no tales?”

uh

did you just forget the whole

soul pool thing or

are you just stupid

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aw baby here we go

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stop saying 30% you dont know shit

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oh my god

whoa whats he doing with the magatama

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“wait... i think i saw something just now...”

what, phoenix

what did you see, hmm?

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“the power of prayer! yes... it uh... helps you... install listening devices in your secrets base uuhhhhhh...ITS NOT WEIRD

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“She has a way of putting me at ease...”

(weeps) my babies

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(sigh) its the wife, get on with it

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“long years of ascetic training have sharpened my ears”

god the training is more useful to Athena than it is Maya. this is depressing.

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make like a mollusc and clam up??? who says that???????

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boy you sure fuckin suck at this Mr. Inmee

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judging by that KAAHHH Tahrust should have a deep voice, and DD had a deeper male voice blip... why aren't they using it? they've already implemented singing blips and tutting blips, did they forget about the extra deep blips?

or are those reserved for demons?

he is a ghost...

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...how far along is behleeb anyway? either I'm blind or the sprite artist forgot to give her a baby bump.

hey yeah! she's barely pregnant! her character art shows that! so its not so much of a stretch that she could be running around killing rebels. Plus, she hasn’t been pregnant for two years...

...of course, its not her, it’s rUHEEL NAYMUH, but still. she’s not far along enough to be inconvenienced by her child. 

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potato potahto tomahto egg salad!!

stop praying at me, nahyuta.

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dont you fucking dare...

dont you even fucking dare

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THEY DARED

I SWEAR TO FUCK

i swear to fuck 

so. youre gonna blame maya. for the actions. of YOUR OWN GODDESS. 

WHO’S GREAT AND POWERFUL AND MYSTICAL AND WISE AND PERFECT.... UNLESS SHE’S BEING CHANNELED BY A DIRTY FOREIGNER?

i just i cannot express how angry this makes me. it doesn’t make any fucking sense and it’s complete and utter hypocrisy. it’s even worse than before;  before they were suggesting that the person dressed as Lady Kee’ra was killing rebels in her name, if it wasn’t outright her. Now they’re suggesting it was LITERALLY HER, and remember, these people are UBER RELIGIOUS, and they still have a problem with THEIR IMMORTAL GODDESS IN THE FLESH exacting her divine punishment against people THAT ARE HARMING THEIR COMMUNITY ANYWAY???

yes, vigilantism is dangerous. but it gets a little more fucking complicated when you suggest that it’s the legit actions of an ACTUAL GODDESS.

and even if this is the corrupt government just trying to cover up deaths (which it is) why didn’t they just step in and go “Yeah, another Lady Kee’ra murder. All hail the marvellous goddesses. er diarrhoea kooraheen.”

it would be a lot easier and a lot less messy than taking a kid to court. why do they even want Maya out of the way, anyway? She didn’t know any of the rebels, and she posed no threat to their corrupt government. Yeah, Zealot’s dead, but they literally could have just hired another crazy assassin. 

Unless there’s a REAL GOOD FUCKIN REASON for all of this, I call bullshit, bullshit bULLSHIT

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i think it’s time to let your head go and move on to another room sadmad

at the same time

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...plus they legit just forgot their own lore.

maya can’t summon Kee’ra if she doesn’t know what she looks like.

that was so easy i didnt have to even press on statements; thats how easy that contradiction is. thats how easy it is to remember something stated five minutes ago, and how easy it is to remember how your own religion works. you fuckhats.

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oh hey i just realized Tahrust really does call Behleeb his “lovely wife” 

aw. how nice. if only they didnt decide to scapegoat maya.

doesn't matter your intentions; you die if you scapegoat maya. you die by my blade.

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you ok pal. is an alarm clock really the source of an evil laugh.

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“indeed! we leave the alarm switched off at all times!”

why would you even have a clock with an alarm on it in a secret base anyway?? and how did phoenix manage to play it in the hideout if the alarm was switched off? 

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“those distinctive taiko drums”

fuckin’ finally

ive been waiting for that stupid watch to come back for AAAGEES

of course there was a reason maya would mention traditional japanese instruments...

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y’know it’s funny that he would even make that fuckup in the first place. if he’s a plumed punisher fan, he should know how the theme song goes. his wife was at least a big fan, meaning he’d probably have heard the opening enough times to know that Taiko drums weren’t part of it. Furthermore, if he was banking on the fact that the two themes sound similar to pass off the deception, then it was a huge mistake on his part to define the sound as Taiko drums; thats just a needless detail that could get him caught out, which it did. 

and if he just didn’t know, well... again, useless detail. always bad. always be vague if you wanna get away with shit.

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ah... at least in death, Raheel Namer didn’t have to suffer the Plumed Punisher theme song.

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i love that phoenix refers to the show by it’s full title. that’s adorable.

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now what’s really confusing me is that that Photo of the fam is stated to have been taken during the Feast of whatever. Which is the same time-frame as Reely Real Name’s death. He’s alive in the photo, Behleeb is in the photo, and the Judge and his family are nowhere to be found. But all those things were huge parts of the case, and they couldn’t have eaten before or after because of the whole ‘you can only eat Ghingil for three hours on that one special day’.

am I missing something or going nuts??

that said I'm so glad i can finally present this photo. it’s been gnawing at me as much as the watch thing.

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“trademark topknot”

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OH PLEASE JUST LET IT END

ffjglk dlg ljlgkd   hey Tahrust do me a solid and just tell them how you died ok 

please i have a family

i have stomach ulcers

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oh

off-brand logic 

i totally forgot that was in this game too

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wow.

“hmm, there’s really nothing to suggest a murder other than the red water in the spring, which only Maya would see and probably not question (considering this isn’t her religion and she doesn’t fuckin know how that shit works) and said spring probably empties somewhere, since it would be swampy otherwise. let’s see... i can KILL MYSELF TO GIVE THE RED WATER A REASON FOR EXISTING or do literally anything else... WELP, BETTER FUCKIN KILL MYSELF. ALL HAIL THE REBELS!”

...well at least he saved maya from contracted a blood disease.

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tahrust must be pissed that his death came to naught when his own rebel pals gave the secret key to a guy who sold them out in five seconds.

never gets to meet his child... never gets to see the revolution come to fruition... never gets to live happily with his family... all because he couldn’t think of any other solution to protecting that shitty hovel behind a rock.

kinda tragic.

wish i was less angry

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“there was no weapon at the inner sanctum...”

did everyone just forget the giant bloody murder statue???

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pohl’fuckya sadmad

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babe... oh no... don’t give yourself up like this

thats sad

dont 

i feel the sad now

shit

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“abbot inmee!! summon a physician at once!!’

HES DEAD

WAY TO RUIN THE MOMENT WITH UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY DUMBASS

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“but murder sanctioned by the crown is still murder”

what’s murder sanctioned by a goddess? apparently you guys are ok with that one. oh unless it’s a goddess being channeled by a foreigner.

soerry im bitter about that one moving on now

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he lunged at you from behind the stone slab?? nice trajectory moron

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hang on a second he put reereenaymee’s body in the plaza before prayer time... with the dagger still in him??

HOW DID NOBODY NOTICE THE FUCKING DAGGER

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“you need not frame the accused for your crime”

for once Sadmad says something smart

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honestly... suicide really wasn’t the answer. even if it was to protect your wife there were,,,,, so many other options

for example, realname’s last moments, as we saw, made it look like he was killed in the Plaza of devotion. You could have so easily made it look like he was murdered there, by some rando, during the rite. The kooraheen police fucking suck at their job, so it wouldn’t matter. but no; you had to die, and blame Maya.... because she was foreign. A foreigner who came to you for guidance and shelter. 

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STOP AGREEING WITH ME SADMAD, I DONT LIKE YOU

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“You must use your law powers to make sure no more innocent people suffer under this shitty law!!

...like Maya did!! .......because of me!!

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i love that the excuse is like “there’s no way she could prove it was self defence in this government...” to make it all tear-jerking and point out how horrible and corrupt their legal system is...

...and yet, if we remember Reunion and Turnabout, which also included channeling and self defence... It was EQUALLY impossible for Maya to be cleared of the crime on self-defence charges!!

pot calling the kettle black, japanifornia!

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“lol sorry for almost getting you killed cause i couldn't think of a better plan than kill myself”

yea thanks tahrust, coo-al

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“I ask that you look after my wife”

er she’s... going to jail... she’s... been outed as a rebel... you do get that right

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fuck you Tahrust, you made her cry

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“now you can watch over me from the world beyond”

he cant actually, since they retconned spirits being conscious in the afterlife. good going, capcom.

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oh man that cutscene was goofy. except for the crying

fuck you Tahrust

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Maya: :D hOW y'all doin?!

also according to maya Tahrust didnt leave any regrets behind which means that he totally gives no fucks that his dumbass plan endangered Maya’s life and made his wife cry. Dick.

He doesn't even regret missing the birth of his fuckin child. Ass.

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Sadmad: I owe a debt to you, one that I will return––

Me: Eat a rotten egg.

Sadmad: Wha-–

Me: Go on, master of putrescence. Eat a whole rotten egg. Consume it shell and all. You heard me. Insert the egg into your mouth and chomp down. Times ticking, I’m waiting.

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i forgot about the stupid butterflies

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“So I was thinking, Nick, the legal system here is really stacked agains the defence! It’s really unfair!”

YA DONT SAY

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listen to this happy music playing as everyone is forced to come to terms with all this sad ass shit. also it appears we just forgot about that tiny matter of the government literally putting hits out. Rayfas dad. is doing this. Nobody gonna address that?? No? Ok

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Maya: QUIT BEINA LIL BITCH

wait what 

what is this new sprite

eurhg i dont like it put it away

thats not maya thats a husk of evil

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wow. rayfa didnt even know why maya was here training. the bullshit continues to flow...

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Maya: deciding what is true and what is false for your people...

the actual truth and lies, right? RIGHT? MAYA???

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ergh this is so... corny? schlocky? it feels forced

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“Sorry for almost getting you killed anyway VIVE LA REVOLUTION”

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Yay! It’s vore man!! i kinda missed his stretchy face.

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oh well that

thats just a really anticlimactic reveal of Dhurke

like tada! there he is! and he's gone! whatever; he's just been talked about in hushed whispers for the last case or w/e!

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awww the bailiff thinks he can catch a running rebel!! so cute~

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“The Steel Samurai vs Dhurke the Rebel!”

MAYA. THE LAST FIVE MINUTES WERE DEVOTED TO EXPLAINING THAT THE REBELS ARE THE GOOD GUYS. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???

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i love that they keep hammering in that “maya has stayed maya”

see guys??? dont you just feel the magic of the trilogy??? ITS THERE GUYS WE SWEAR

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Welp, thats it for that case. Now back to America, to visit Athena and BK, and hopefully to read a more enjoyable storyline...