#i forgot how much i enjoy nerd zelda

[stealthnoodle]

Engineering 101: Let's Play Tears of the Kingdom

I haven't liveblogged a game in mumblemumble years and I've got Tears of the Kingdom in my hot little hands, so here we go! There will be spoilers, obviously, so everything's under a cut. Mute "stealthnoodle plays loz: tears of the kingdom" to opt out of this ridiculous experience.

I'm not sure far in yet--there are two quests under Main Quests marked "Complete" and two in progress, if that helps orient without spoiling!

Had to restart 5 seconds in because this game detects the language from the console setting and I don't want my first playthrough to be (slowly) in Japanese, lol.

Zelda wants to do her nerd shit but I want to spiderclimb on the ceiling, and guess who has the plot reins right now? Imma skitter.

A kingdom of weird-looking people in the sky, you say? Zelda's ancestors confirmed for bird-fuckers.

I am so intensely SMT brain-rotted that I saw a glowing magatama and expected Zelda to eat it. I don't care if it just tumbled out of a freaky mummy, it is probably full of skills and stats!

Aw man, I got Metroid Fusioned. :(

And now I got Luke Skywalkered! :D

I am truly in my element now: half naked and plummeting recklessly to an uncertain doom.

Robot foes AND robot friends! What a world. Zelda wants me to come meet her in what I presume is her new nerd paradise but I have frogs to catch. Surely she's known Link long enough at this point to expect my behavior.

SHAGGY CRANE WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME

Shows up 15 minutes late with toasted mushrooms

"Rauru - Source of the Right Arm" is fully hilarious, no notes. Full marks for long flowing hair, taking advantage of big ear real estate for piercings, and goat face. Top 10 Glowups of All Time

I can't wait to find out who my new pussy is gonna come from.

Oho, I got a bow now. It's over for you shaggy crane bitches.

ULTRAHAND. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE. Everything I own has a rock permanently fused to it now and I've never been happier.

I should be allowed to build with birds.

LOL I just got my first game over by dropping a heavy metal hook on my own damn head

After a tremendous amount of fucking around I have finally entered the Temple of Time, found another magatama, somehow still not eaten it, and gotten a magical handshake from a brief apparition of Zelda that lets me reverse the motion of an object. This is by far the magical power that would have the most practical application for me, a person with two cats.

Ascend is the funniest one, though. Love swimming up solid stone and popping out of the floor like I'm surfacing in a backyard pool. Canceling it is even funnier, like, well, now that I've had a peak at what's going on up here, I am choosing to return to the depths. Ta-ta.

I stuck my broken Master Sword into a ball of light and it went to what I guess is the Zelda Dimension so she could give it a little hug? That hug agitated a dragon and cleared up the weather. At least we go to show each other our new outfits.

(I will NOT wear a shirt except when the plots mandates one onto me. That is how I played BotW and I'm not giving in to Big Modesty now. Tiddies of the Kingdom)

Anyway I'm loose on Hyrule so further bulletins as event warrant.

I lied, one more important thing: I solved your little engineering puzzle on my first try with my hardcore GAMER STRATS.

I am very good at building sound structures, you see.

[dawn-the-rithmatist]

Honor Among Thieves: The New Deal

(no not like the American program before WW2, ya nerds)(I'm nerds)

Hello friends! I'm back with chapter 12 of Honor Among Thieves! I didn't post chapter 11 here because I uh. Forgot. Sorry about that! But you can find both chapter 11 and chapter 12 on ao3! The following excerpt is from chapter 12, so proceed to ao3 if you're not caught up! I hope you enjoy <3

Impa had always known her life was tied to Zelda’s. You weren’t someone’s friend from birth just to walk away. No, Impa was going to be tied to the princess all her life.

It wasn’t even a question, as the future leader of the Sheikah. They had worked to protect and uphold the royal bloodline for generations- that was hardly about to change. But it went deeper than that for Impa. She had known the princess before she took her first steps. She knew what kind of books she liked, and what frustrated her, and where she went to escape the world.

She also knew that Zelda could be blissfully ignorant of how many people wanted her dead.

That was the thought that drove her to excel in her training- the thought that pushed her to be the best fighter the Sheikah had seen in decades. Because her friend- maybe her best friend, maybe… no, she wouldn’t let herself go down that road- her friend needed someone to watch out for her. And Impa would rise to the occasion.

She protected the princess’s smile by cheering her up when she was sad. She protected the princess’s interests by encouraging Purah and Robbie to include her in their research as much as possible. Now, she would protect her with the blade. It was a natural evolution of what she had been doing all along.

But something felt strained.

She had hoped the princess would be happy to see her around more often. They were close, after all, and Impa had been thrilled at the prospect of seeing Zelda every day. Of course, she was on duty, but after? Before? Surely things would be fine then, and they could chat, grow closer. But instead, it only seemed to do the opposite.

The princess barely spoke to her, despite all of her attempts at small talk. It was like they were strangers, all of a sudden. Impa was right in front of her and she still felt like Zelda was somewhere else, miles away, and her body had just missed the memo.

It was probably the shock, she reasoned. After all, she had almost died. Impa hadn’t missed the traps she had put up around her windows and doorways- any intruder would notice them before entering, probably, but it might keep them from trying anything. The princess was worried- paranoid, even- and she was pushing everyone away. Pushing Impa away.

She sighed. If only the sword hadn’t been taken… if it had been there just a little while longer, things might have been different.

[zeldauniverse]

If you played The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, you know that one of the game’s vital features is cooking. The possibilities felt endless; you can cook many combinations of food and get a seemingly endless number of results.

Have you ever wanted to taste some of the cooked food you cooked in Breath of the Wild? The Legend’s Cookbook is the gateway to those fantasies. The Legend’s Cookbook is a Legend of Zelda inspired cookbook featuring recreations of the amazing dishes from games we enjoy so much.

We sat down with three of the team members behind The Legend’s Cookbook, and they shared their thoughts about the cookbook and what readers (and eaters!) can look forward to.

Zelda Universe: What made you decide to create a Legend of Zelda inspired cookbook?

Peter Abreu, Lead Chef: There were a lot of factors that went into us wanting to do this. People are spending more money eating out than cooking at home, and we can start to change that trend. We figure if we make cooking something fun, uncomplicated and interesting, we can really change people’s lives.

We love the Zelda series, we’re huge fans. We are in love with the stories, characters and art style. Do you know what is at the very core of that series? Being a hero and saving the world. All of us on the team want to do something like that. The absolute goal here is that one of the recipes in this book becomes a staple in someone’s diet, that it changes the way they go about their dietary lifestyle and their life improves from that change. If we manage to do that, then we’ve done it.

We want everyone to cook like a hero, what better place to draw inspiration from than a series that brought that concept so near and dear to our hearts?

Matt Mannheimer, Producer: It’s one of those things where you play something and you’re like “what if that was real?” That was some of our mindsets when wanting to make some of these inspired recipes from the games. From there we poured our heart into it. With our passion for gaming and the [Zelda] series in general, it made us do our research and figure out what will be the perfect fit for these recipes.

ZU: What types of recipes and foods from the Zelda series are you taking inspiration from?

Peter: The recipes in this cookbook are original, real world recipes inspired by The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. We have baked goods, breakfast foods, dinner items, healthy snacks, sweet desserts and so much more! We’re starting with 50 recipes and we want to add even more as stretch goals. For those stretch goals, we are going to add things like cocktails, more creative dishes, and even recipes inspired by the other games in the Zelda series.

Matt: This whole cookbook is from the perspective of the hero. The hero recollecting his time from his adventure, writing down these recipes, fighting monsters, going through dungeons. You know the whole drill! That’s what makes it special; it’s a cookbook that has a story behind it. Not just in the gaming world, but also in real life. If you have enjoyed Mother’s Cookbook or Batter’s Almanac, you’re probably going to enjoy this one.

ZU: Will this cookbook be enjoyed by those who may not know the Zelda franchise?

Peter: Absolutely, we like to keep cooking simple and accessible. This is not going to be a cookbook only for Zelda fans. This cookbook is not going to bash people over the head with references and in-jokes but there will be several subtle allusions and (literal) Easter eggs. We want this to be a guide for everyone, newcomers and veterans to the kitchen and the Zelda series.

The ultimate compliment is for someone to fall in love with the recipes, art, and photos in our cookbook, first, and then realize it draws a lot of inspiration from their favorite series, second.

Matt: You don’t have to know everything about the [Zelda] series to get into this book. I feel its for everyone. I definitely don’t know everything about the [Zelda] series, but whenever I look at these recipes, and the pictures, I’m drawn into it. There are recipes that range from easy to difficult, but they’re so much fun to make. They’re fun to make and are all delicious.

Patrick Deasy, Photographer: I’m probably the biggest normie of the bunch, I’m not much of a gamer. I’ve been able to try out these recipes and I can tell you from an outsiders perspective that this is definitely a cookbook first and a piece of nerd memorabilia later.

ZU: If you had to recommend a recipe to somebody who may be new to cooking, what would it be?

Peter: The rock-hard candy. Our rock candy recipe is simple and delicious. You can do it at home, it’s super easy and very enjoyable. This is for all those with a sweet tooth. Here, I’ll share it with you:

Rock Hard Candy

Ingredients:

2 Cups of White Sugar

1 Cup of Water

3/4 Cup of Light Corn Syrup

1/4 Cup of Pomegranate Juice

Powdered Sugar for Dusting

Directions:

In a saucepan, combine sugar, water, and corn syrup.

Heat up the pan over medium heat, stirring constantly, until the white sugar is dissolved completely with the water and corn syrup. It is important to stir gently after sugar has dissolved to prevent burning, Use a candy thermometer to watch the temperature of the mixture and let it hit to the hard crack stage of 300F (149C).

Once there, remove from it from heat and add in the pomegranate juice, slowly. Mix it in.

Then, pour the hot candy into a 9”x9” baking pan covered in parchment paper that’s been dusted with powdered sugar, so the candy doesn’t stick. Leave it out in the open air uncovered and let the candy harden and cool completely.

Then the fun part, break into chunks with a hammer and then enjoy.

Matt: The Legends Cookbook is here to give you a culinary adventure: just go for it. If there’s a recipe you really wanna make, just do it. Even if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it the first time, just keep trying. With these recipes, we just want you to become a better chef.

ZU: Which recipe from this cookbook are you most excited about?

In The Legend’s Cookbook, the Dubious Food tastes really good; a lot more than you would expect. It’s even pixilated, like in Breath of the Wild!

Peter: The recipe I am most excited for is the one inspired by Dubious Food. It was the very first item I wanted to try and make in the kitchen. It was something just so disgusting yet edible, it was a fun idea and I wanted to make it. It was hard but I really enjoyed all different ways to make the food turn purple and look gross yet taste amazing. The final product just came out so great and it tasted delicious.

I pulled heavily from learning how to cook coq au vin from Anthony Bourdain and his show Parts Unknown. He was a was a huge inspiration for me as a chef. I really resonated with him because, like him, I spent a lot of my traveling the world, learning different cultures and food. I wanted to bring that same spirit of travel and exploration, a concept also very core to the Zelda series, to this cookbook as well as honor him with one of my favorite dishes he made. Hours upon hours in the kitchen later, I’ve created a questionable but inviting twist on coq au vin that you will all enjoy.

Matt: The meaty rice balls. I couldn’t stop eating them! They were so good! I don’t know how Peter does it, but that meat was the most delicious thing I ever tasted. It’s sweet, it’s GOOD.

Patrick: This is pretty basic, but I was pretty amazed when I got to see Peter make the fried rice for a couple of the dishes. I’ve never been able to do it right, so knowing that it’s in the cookbook is pretty exciting for me. Also the Rock Hard Food is pretty rad. It’s like a hard candy that’s flavored with pomegranate juice and it’s great. Meaty Rice balls are fantastic. It’s spicy and sweet and wonderful. I almost forgot about the Dubious Food, that one is awesome. That one is definitely my favorite.

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ZU: How will this cookbook stand out from other video game inspired cookbooks?

Peter: Our cookbook stands out from other cookbooks because it has a unique style and page layout. Have you opened a modern cookbook recently? Go to your local Target and find your way to the book section and look for their book section. Find a cookbook on the shelf and pick it up, look at it. You see beautiful food and a recipe. That’s usually it.

Our cookbook stands out because from the very inception, we are designing it like a field guide. In the margins are little watercolor drawings of stunning vistas, charcoal studies of various herbs and plants, little notes tucked in here or there. Our cookbook is rough around the edges and that’s the point, we want it to feel like you’ve found something personal and real when you pick it up. We want you to bust out your own pen and inks and add to it, there’s space! This may be our cookbook but we want you to make it your cookbook.

Matt: This project consists of a group of best friends; we’re all working on this together; we’re on the same wavelength. But were also big fans of the [Zelda] series and gaming in general. Were putting time into each and every recipe. I know Peter has done countless hours of research on every single recipe.

Everyone on our team is professional; we have several animation students. We have someone who worked on the Archer (the TV show), we have someone who worked from SEGA, that’s me! This team has come from different sides of the gaming, animation and art community. I feel like our relationships show from this cookbook.

Patrick: The thing that really separates this cookbook, I know I’ve been saying this a lot, but most video game cookbook’s I’ve seen have been very novelty, and most of them are just decoration guides for baked goods. This is not just a novelty decoration guide, we are not internet celebrities, we are a bunch of people who just really care about cooking.

ZU: A Kickstarter for this cookbook is coming up (May 2019); why should people support and back this project?

Peter: We hope, we really do hope, that people support our project. This is going to be something you’ll want to show other people and it is going to inspire you to cook for them as well. If you like cooking, if you like games or you want to just have a real piece of art to hang out on your bookshelf, this is for you.

Matt: The Kickstarter were hoping to have that up in May. We’re working really hard on this, we’re trying to make recipes that everyone can enjoy; a culinary adventure. This is one of my favorite projects I got to work on my entire life. The food is SO good. I’m serious about those meaty rice balls! I feel like with the team, partnering with TheYetee and the recipes, this will make for an amazing product.

We’re also working with The Yetee on this project! They will help with distribution, fulfillment, back rewards. I think partnering with TheYetee was amazing, and you’re gonna see a lot of stuff in the future that we’re excited to show off.

Patrick: If you wanted to know what the foods tasted like in Breath of the Wild, this is pretty much the closest you’re gonna get.

ZU: Anything else you want to share about the Zelda cookbook project?

Peter: We have so much more to tell but we want to save a few secrets. I’ll tell you what is no secret, we’ve partnered with The Yetee to help fulfill backer rewards and also produce a few of them. They are an amazing company and we are so happy to work with them. They’re gonna be a big help.

Here’s something that is a secret, but I’ll share it with you. We have a discord server that people can join and hang out in. People are invited to join, cook with us, and go on a culinary adventure! Here’s the invite: discord.gg/wGznSn9. It’s a secret, tell everyone.

Matt: We’re opening our public discord right now! If you wanna chat with the team, look at behind the scenes content, talk about the cookbook, join up in our server! We’ll also have a Twitter and Instagram open to check out. We really wanna hear from everyone.

Patrick: We’re trustworthy dudes and definitely Not A Scam ™ :^) Our discord is neat :^)

Thanks to Peter, Matt, and Patrick for taking time out of their schedule for the interview. We hope you’re looking forward to their upcoming cookbook project. A Kickstarter for The Legend’s Cookbook is launching mid-May; we will continue to share new details as they are announced. We will update with a link to the Kickstarter campaign after it begins.

If you’d like to communicate with the people behind the cookbook project, you can follow them on Twitter or join their Discord server. The team is always looking to engage with patrons, food lovers and Zelda fans alike.

Cook like a Hero: An interview with the team behind The Legend’s Cookbook If you played The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, you know that one of the game’s vital features is cooking.

[goddesssword]

15, 24, and I think 30 for the ask thing!

15. do you prefer space or the ocean?

hhhhhh okay this is a tough one but I’m gonna go with space? I wanna be like kirby I wanna just fuckin ride stars and stuff through space and show up on other planets like sup bitch I’m here now!!

24. what is your favorite thing to learn about?

uhhhhhh well first of all art! I’m always learning art stuff, at least in terms of techniques and stuff :0 and also video game things! mostly just random trivia and whatnot or how certain things are done for like glitches and speedruns and stuff but the process of how games are made is interesting too!! aaaaand from a more school based focus I always enjoyed the mythology aspects of my history classes (tho I wish they’d have focused more on non greco-roman beliefs cuz like. as much as I love it please please please talk about some other culture for five minutes I wanna learn about something other than zeus’s latest affair for once)

30. what instrument do you wish you could master?

oooooh this is a tough one uhhh.. well I’d say ocarina but honestly as much as I love zelda I’m not quite that much of a goddamn nerd even tho it is a nice instrument when played well hfgfhbjd. Uhhh piano would be cool but I don’t have anywhere to put one and they’re not really super mobile for the average person lmaoooo. Maybe guitar? there’s a lot of different types out there so if we’re just saying like a category in general that’s pretty versatile, plus they can fairly easily be taken with you and stuff- oh my god jay just sent me a picture of Abe Lincoln chef kawasaki and I’m seeking it out of the corner of my eye as I’m trying to respond to this why are you like this hfgfhcbjd- anyway I forgot what I was trying to say but maybe guitar? Oh oh oh or if it counts as an instrument I’d uh. Above all else I’d like to be able to master my own voice lmao. Like if I had a better vocal range I’d be unstoppable. You know how fuckin uh Patrick Stump has a fuckin wild vocal range and he’s able to hold that one note in the take over the break’s over for what feels like forever? I’d kill him for it. If I were like Kirby and I could eat people to take their powers I would pull a Youngblood Chronicles in an instant. just straight up kidnap, kill, and eat Patrick Stump from fall out boy. if you’ve seen those videos you’ll know it wouldn’t be hard either fob are very easy to kidnap

so yeah rambling aside I’m gonna go with vocal/singing if it counts and guitar if it doesn’t hfgfhbjdjd

[lady-nevermore]

Checklist, Dreams, and Fourth Therapy Session

Before we get into what happened this session, I wanted to write down this checklist of sorts, regarding a few bouts of anxiety I had these last two weeks (and how I dealt with them)....My therapist did after all (give me homework last session) / and highly advised me to write down any situations that may have triggered or have caused my anxiety-levels to start rising/or skyrocketing. So here we go.

6/8/17 - Thursday

It was the day (more like early evening) before my cousin’s Jay’s Graduation, and that was when I noticed that I had misspelled my cousin’s name on both her graduation-card, and on the envelope of said graduation-card....I felt my heart freeze and an immediate sense of anxiety (and me fretting over whether or not I should fix it with white-out or not) ...I definitely felt my heart race in fear (beating loudly, to the point I could feel my heart beating/pulsing in my eardrums)....The reason for my fear: was because i felt that my Aunt C was going to take great offense, in the fact that I had misspelled my cousin’s name (My Aunt C is quite a prideful woman, and very easily angered/offended.....and the fact she traumatized/ emotionally abused me when  I was 5, def. left/instilled that sense of fear in a way.....even now).....It wasn’t until a little bit afterwards that I started to realize how my anxiety was quite an irrational reaction on my part, and how silly it was to be freaking out over this, ‘twas in realizing this that i calmed down and chose to let it go (aka I passed along my gift to my dad, who works with my uncle aka Jay’s Dad, so that Jay would receive said gift on the day of her graduation); I was rest assured when my dad told me that the gift had successfully made it’s way to Jay, and I sighed in relief. 

6/9/17 - Friday

My little cousins ended up spontaneously coming over for a visit / aka My Aunt Juanita (one of my kinder as well as fave aunts) needed me and my mom to babysit them for a bit. .....See, here’s the thing (call me high-maintenance or whatever) - But I don’t do well in regards towards spontaneous things, such as: Unexpected visits, unexpected plans to hangout (like the last second, in this very moment types), unexpectedly meeting a friend or acquaintance our of the blue (like when shopping for groceries or something).....stuff like that really tends to raise (sometimes even sky-rocket) my anxiety levels.....mostly cause I wasn’t prepared for it. But yeah, so minutes before they (my little cousins: Bryan and Izela) were to arrive, I sorta became a wee bit frantic (because I needed to make sure my room wasn’t a total mess and prepare my gamecube console and games, to keep them entertained, [and keep in mind, as a nerd i have most of my videogames and anime/nerdy stuff in my room] so yeah, I started to feel hella rushed and a bit stressed, cause it was soo last minute; which didn’t help my anxiety levels: Cause they just skyrocketed (to the point where my hearing-senses/audio-hypersensitiveness started to kick in, such as me getting irritated my hearing the clinks of the dishes accidently clanging against each other ......but yeah, It wasn’t until they got here, that i noticed that their rowdiness sorta low-key irked me (them trying to talk over each other by raising their voices and stuff) but I got over it quickly enough; their cuteness/adorkablness was more than enough to take my mind off my anxiety, and even made me smile. It was fun babysitting them; Izela was having a blast with harvest moon: a magical melody (though she sorta got the hang of it but was getting hilariously frustrated with the game itself and she kept giggling/laughing when she kept running outta time and losing track of where she was going, which I found to be absolutely hilarious, to the point where i started laughing my ass-off along with them), but then Bryan wanted to play something else, so I introduced them to Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, which was really fun watching and guiding/ helping them walktrough the game (especially once we finally got them into reaching the Deku Tree, aka the first dungeon). I may have felt a wee bit drained once they left (they dropped them off here at around 6PM and didn’t leave till like 10 PM), but I did calm down in the end, plus it was fun :)

6/14/17 - Wednesday

Left at 11:45 Am and went to go see Wonder Woman and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell no Tales; Not gonna rewrite what happened here cause I already made a post about this here: http://lady-nevermore.tumblr.com/post/161840007484/saw-ww-and-potc5-today  ....But what I will write about is a few things i forgot to mention that had also happned: After seeing WW (it ended around 3 PM), I wanted to wait and watch POTC5 another day instead, so i walked home......the thing is I have a real bad sens of direction, and well long story short  i got lost (and let me tell you I felt disoriented and felt anxious as I was lost) so I decided that the best thing to do was to calm down and backtrack, and end up back at the mall.....and from there i decided: “Well fuck it, I might as well go see of RWBY4 is out yet on bluray....which it wasn’t, so I left Best Buy and headed back towards the Theaters (all of this btw is inside the mall: The Theaters, Bestbuy, etc)....That was when I decided to go and watch POTC5 around 3:35 PM (and the movie didn;t end till around 6PM), but by the time it ended, I decided to call my dad to pick me up, but yeah I enjoyed myself (both films were great) and it was a nice day. ^^;

6/18/17 - Sunday

Dreamt of an old friend (let’s call him Wolf); he was chasing me in my dream (I was running away and felt such a cold sense of fear and a lot of anxiety in the dream).....See, Back when I knew him, he was dealing with a lot of anger-issues.....We didn’t really end things on a good note when we parted ways either.....Last time i saw him was when we were playing ping-pong ball, and he was obviously hella pissed-off/angry at me (cause a few days before, I told him that I no longer felt safe/that I felt uncomfortable being around him....something that was a long time coming, years even).....He obviously didn’t take this well, cause the next/and last time I saw him we were playing ping-pong ball with a couple of friends of ours, and he was so succumbed by his anger that he kept hitting the ball with such force at me..... it was obvious that he was trying to hit me (I remember cause the look in his eyes was terrifying, it was filled with pure hatred towards me); a mutual friend of both of ours at the time: Cisco-kid, had to pull Wolf over aside (Wolf reacted towards this via throwing the ping-pong paddle to the side with such ferocity, outta anger) but nonetheless he was reluctantly pulled-over to the side and was told-off by Cisco-Kid, with him asking him what the hell was wrong with him, and telling him to knock it off.....This was about 4-8 years ago (sometime around then)...I wrote more about this here: http://lady-nevermore.tumblr.com/post/162055039454/dear-wolftbh-our-friendship-was-doomed-from (in my Letters to No One, therapy side-blogs)....but long story short, I ended up cutting all ties with him without so much as a word (this was simultaneously during the time that my mentor/friend passed away, and when I had my nervous breakdown, and fell into a deep depression).....This hasn’t been the only time I’ve dreamt of him (most dreams are of happier, fun, friendship-wise times)....this one was not. :/

6/18/17 - Sunday

Surprised my Dad with some French Toast for breakfast (with a side of some delicious: fresh and juicy strawberries, banana slices, and sausage links) ‘twas delicious, which I’m glad it turned out so well (I love to cook in a calm and serene environment, it always calms me down and takes my mind off things, plus it’s fun).....But anyways, I went to a chinese Resturant with my folks for Father’s Day on Sunday; haven’t been to that place in years (since like my young teen years)....Felt a small sense of anxiety/nervousness/restlessness before shortly getting there. But that quickly went away and we had a nice time once we got there. ^-^

The Fourth Session

Finally - Onto the Fourth Session.

6/19/2017

Today we talked about the checklist I’ve made here above, mostly about the situations that caused my anxiety and how  i dealt with/reacted to it; I’ve told her that once I’ve realized how irrational/silly my overreaction is to something (that is causing my anxiety), i can quickly calm down cause now i realize that it’s not me that’s reacting this way, but rather it’s the anxiety that’s taking control and choosing to react for me; That distinction, i feel will help a great deal in the long run.

We focused a lot on my old-friend Wolf, and talking about what i would say to him if he was here, and how to let him go, and how to let his shadow (of me feeling anxious of running into him) go. We talked about my mom and me worrying over her cause she has an appointment on the 22nd cause she’s had this chronic cough and me worrying it’s throat cancer, which led us to talking about my pessimism and me jumping to the worst possible conclusions, and how I need to try to stop myself from going there, and just try living in the present (in the here and now), rather than worrying on what could or might not happen. 

We talked about my progress thus far, and I told her I feel hopeful (something I haven’t felt in a very long time), especially due to my online-friends here on tumblr (especially those  i chat with - you know who you are), but most especially: @theamazingflyinglion, @angelotics, @th3-d0rk-kn1ght-d0t-exe .....you guys have no idea how much your support and company has helped me; it’s given me hope, and that’s something I haven’t felt in over 4-8 years. 

My Therapist has told me that there’s so much i can still accomplish, but that I need to remind myself that i am allowed to do it at my own pace (and that it’s really important to remember that I do not owe society, my former high-school teachers/mentors/classmates/friends, even my parents anything in regards towards meeting their standards/expectations.....The thing is this is such a difficult thing for me to do, and is something I’ve always struggled with, especially when it comes to meeting high standards in academia/my pride in academia, being a perfectionist, or having my life together (especially by age 25)......It also doesn’t help that i have an inferiority complex, I’m always afraid to feel inferior or look inferior (which is why why pride stings if my intelligence is questioned, or why  i get competitive in trivia games, or why i get high-strung/slight snobbish if  i feel slightly threatened by another’s intelligence.....which is such a horrible trait to have, and have mostly broken free of it (it was worse during my teenage years, believe me)....thank god I’ve matured, and grown hella, like hella more liberal and open-minded in my views in life, or else even i wouldn’t have been able to stand myself, Christ! o.o

But yeah, it just weighs soo damn heavily on me.....i feel like I’ve wasted my life away, like I should have accomplished soo much by now and it scares me shitless that i don’t.....that i’m soo damn uncertain.....and that I’ll fail again. it scares me cause, I’m afraid I’ll run into someone I knew from my high-school days (the people who knew me as the perfect teacher’s pet, the person who had their shit together, the person who was on top of it all) and that they’ll see what a pathetic person I’ve become.....My Therapist keeps telling me that it’s not too late to fulfill my accomplishment, to fight for my accomplishments......and to be honest, I’m sorta feeling like a little glimmer of hope, it’s small......but maybe just maybe, that tiny glimmer will grow into a passion/motivation into finally feeling capable of meeting/accomplishing my goals (but at my own pace). 

Speaking of goals, I told her that my goal/dream is to become a teacher (and english teacher); the main reason is I’ve always loved/enjoyed helping my formers classmates/friends/little cousins in opening their eyes in wonder via discovering or noticing something the didn’t note before, especially in regards to storytelling, which is why I wanna be an english teacher (helping students understand and view literature, especially the archetypes and overall concept of the hero’s journey, in a new light). The second, and most personal reason, as to why I want to become a teacher, is to honor my friend/old mentor’s memory (may he rest in peace), cause he too was a young teacher himself, and i remember him telling me how much joy he got outta teaching, how much energy and how alive it made him feel despite his battle with colon-cancer....which is why my I desire to be a teacher myself, so that I can follow in his footsteps, and carry-out what was taken away from him, and make him proud. :’)

She asked me how i felt about trying to go back to community college, or learning how to drive, whilst I;m currently going to therapy......I told her I dunno if i feel ready yet.....still dunno (it makes me nervous just thinking about it....not impossible, but just nervous). >_>; ....She said that’s fine, and that she’ll be here supporting me regardless, stating that her goal is to be here for me and help me get through this. But yeah, like I said - I don’t feel ready, but who knows, we shall see. Hmm, we’ve also talked about me dealing with depression (and she’s asked me if i noted that maybe it’s during when I’m menstruating...I mean yeah sometimes I PMS, and that’ll trigger it, but i told her it’s manifested itself outside of my menstrual cycle as well).... i told her that i view it as an analogy to the weather or a lingering cold......it comes and goes (and I’m like *sigh oh great it’s you again depression, how fucking long are you gonna stay with me this time around).....I’m aware it’s bouts are temporary, and i can deal with it.....but bouts of anxiety on the other hand is a lot more difficult, because I’m so sensitive to it,cause daunting more instinct-base aka it’s soo in my face, and it get’s in the way of how  i react to things, socializing, etc, and it’s def. more of a struggle for me. But anyways.

 Footnotes:

My Therapist highly advised me, dude, she even made me write it down, to:

Not allow other people’s expectations nor society’s to take control and affect me; that I don not owe other people (former friends, classmates, teachers) an explanation as to why i did not meet said standards.

And to remember that it’s the anxiety that’s making me feel and react this way, not me; that this anxiety does not have permission nor my consent to take control over how i chose or choose not react to things.

^This is her third piece of hw (in a way) to write these down on a sticky note or somewhere I can see them, and read/integrate them into my psyche once a day (especially when my thoughts linger towards not feeling accomplished or when i’m in an anxious state); She says that changing my thought-process like this will help in the long run.....and to be perfectly honest, it def. makes sense. 

Fourth Piece of hw, she gave me a couple of adult-coloring book pages (hell, she even handed me a box of colored-pencils) and she asked me to color these whenever I’m feeling down, anxious or whenever, that it’ll help me to relax.....I'm assuming this is some sort of art therapy? But either way it made me smile in slightly soft-amused way (I used to love art classes, drawing, coloring back in my elementary, and middle school days, it was my side-hobby so to speak as a kid)....plus not gonna lie, but it sounds hella therapeutic and my sorta fun....def. looking forward to it lol. (^-^)

 Side Notes: 

 I didn't wear my light hoodie/sweater today, ‘twas hella effing hot, and since it’s just my therapist and me there, I thought I’d forgo it (I usually feel very insecure with it, cuz i’m slightly chubby, especially around my tummy area, and covering myself with my jacket sorta makes me feel less insecure for some reason.....yeah yeah, I know I’m weird, plus I’m also a creature of habit, so once I started doing something routinely, I sorta feel reluctant to change. ^^:

I burned my finger while I was cooking, sucks but thank god I have aloe vera growing out in my garden (along with spearmint for spearmint tea, and fresh rosemary and oregano for when I’m cooking). It all makes me feel hella fortunate and happy, yay! ^-^

*looks at the clock - Damn, it’s already 9PM!* :O

But anyways, that’s all for now, TTFN! :)

- Lady Nevermore

[thisisbud]

All the numbers coward

Oh goody, I was beginning to think no one was going to ask me to do any :)

1. First game you played obsessively?I think the first game I played obsessively was Pokemon Ruby. This was before I actually new anything about strategy (like 3rd/4th grade) or even how to swap out pokemon, but I remember running through the whole game with just my trusty Swampert, up until the Elite Four beat my unbalanced ass ; u ;

2. A game that has influenced you creatively? Writing, drawing, etc.I don’t draw or write much now, but I do remember really liking the boxart of LoZ: Link to the Past enough to try doodling it and a few items.

3. What did you play as a kid?As a child I was like exclusively nintendo. Pokemon Ruby and Emerald, Mario and Luigi Superstar Saga, like every single Pokemon Mystery Dungeons Game, and LoZ: A link to the past

4. Who do you play with now?Mostly League of Legends and indie games on the PC. Shooty Bois on the XBox one and a few games on the Switch

5. Ever use cheat codes?Yes because my child self is a degenerate. 6. Ever buy strategy guides?nope. Any money I had went to games, if I needed strats, I begged to use a computer.7. Any games you have multiple copies of?I have Skyrim on my ps3 and computer, and boarderlands 2 on my computer and xbox. not because I really like boarderlands, but because it was on sale for steam, and then my friends wanted to play on the xbox instead :)8. Rarest/Most expensive game in your collection?I still have my original Pokemon Emerald cartridge, and a link to the past gba cartridge9. Most regrettable purchase?oof. Probably Splatoon 2. Great game, wonderful aesthetic, but I realized I spent $60 for a game that held my interest for like a week because of my friends.10. Ever go to a midnight game release or stand in line for hours?Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire release. It was just a really good time with friends and then a bunch of nerds playing pokemon together after.11. Have you ever made new friends from playing video games?Video games is like the reason I have any friends today.12. Ever get picked on for liking games?just the usual snide comment from some family members, but not like stereotypical school bullying.13. A game you’ve never played that everyone else has?Sims, Rollercoaster Tycoon, Sports games 2Kyear14. Favorite game music?Persona 3 and 5 soundtrack15. If it was a requirement to get a game related tattoo, what would you pick?probably some kind of arcana card from persona. yeah, that sounds neat.16. Favorite game to play with your friends IRL?Smash is #1, but The Jackbox games are a close second.17. Ever lose a friend over a game?ummm I think golf with your friends got close, but no.18. Would you date someone that hates gaming?I’d date @kamichamachu-iloveyou19. Favorite handheld console?nostalgia: GBA, Currently: 3DS. switch doesnt count20. Game that you know like the back of your hand?Modern Warfare 3 but like exclusively multiplayer21. Game that you didn’t like or understand as a kid but love now?League of legends technically.22. Do you wear game related clothing/accessories?I have pokemon pajama pants and a really nice D.VA backpack that one of my bestest friends got me @the-giant-made-of-stone but that’s it.23. The game that you’ve logged the most hours into?either COD Modern Warfare 3, or Black ops 2. Hit master prestige in both of them.24. First Pokemon game?either red or blue, but I was too young to play them or even remember.25. Were you ever an arcade game player?I went hard in peterpiper, but these days I’m a tiny bit smarter with my money26. Ever form any gaming rivalries?well more like salt driven blind rage from smash, but that only lasts like an hour or two27. Game that makes you rage?League of Legends.28. Ever play in a tournament?I played in like one smash tournament and got bm’d so I stopped going.29. What is your gaming set up?I have a dual monitor pc setup, but one of the monitors is bigger than the other, so it also doubles as the screen I use for my xbox, switch, and ps430. How many consoles do you own? 5 if you include the 2ds31. Does the 3DS and/or Virtual Boy hurt your eyes or give you headaches?never played the Virtual boy, and I’ve never used the 3D setting long enough for it to do anything weird.32. Did you ever play a game based on your favorite show/cartoon/movie/comic?when I was a smol babby, I had Power Rangers Light Speed Rescue for the nintendo 64.33. Did you ever have any bootleg games or plug-n-play games?when I was in middle school, a family friend hooked us up with a fancy ds cartridge that had a slot for a microSD card that we could put roms onto. it was lit. I also had a lot of plug and plays as a bby34. Do either of your parents play video games?my dad has a playstation something, but idk what he plays35. Ever work in a game store? Or do you have a favorite game shop?I want to work at gamestop, but they hate me or something. Gamestop is also my favorite game shop because it’s the only one that still exists.36. Have you ever shed actual blood, sweat or tears over a game?sweat and tears sure, I think I picked at a scab while playing a game, so technically blood too I guess.37. Have you played E.T. for the Atari 2600? Do you think that’s the worst game ever, or do you have another nomination?I’ve seen those articles, never played it.38. A game you’re ashamed to admit that you like?like the entirety of my H-Game collection.39. A sequel that you would die for them to make?eh don’t really have any, if they remaster modern warfare 2 and 3, that would be pretty neat.40. What to you think of virtual reality headsets or motion controls?sounds like fun, but I don’t think I’d ever buy any until I have my own place and a lot more room.41. A genre that you just can’t get into?sports games that involve real sports teams (not including tennis)42. Maybe it wasn’t your first game, but what was the game that started you on your path to nerdiness?Pokemon Mystery dungeons series was like the first games that actually made me feel anything emotionally.43. Ever play games when you really should have been concentrating on something else?When I was still in school that’s pretty much all I did.44. Arcade machine that has consumed the most of your quarters?that one that’s like a half a bubble and the inner rim is a ring of light bulbs, and you have to hit the button on jackpot otherwise you get however many tickets is on the number you stop at. You feel?45. How are you at Mario Kart?I’m decent. definitely not the best.46. Do you like relaxing games like Animal Crossing or Harvest Moon?I need to be in the mood for it. I played like 30 hours of stardew valley but now that game makes me sleepy.47. Do you like competitive games?love em, unfortunately.48. How long does it take your to customize your player character?not crazy long. I just try to make the cutest girl possible, but really I just want to start playing.49. In games where you can pick your class, do you always tend to go for the same type of character?I lean pretty heavily towards the stealthy classes. with the stereotypical paladin/fighter as a secondary50. If you were a game designer, what masterpiece would you create?bitch if I had enough creativity to think of a gaming masterpiece on the spot, I’d be writing or something.51. Have you ever played a game for so long that you forgot to eat or sleep?League of Legends.52. A game that you begged your parents for as a kid?Pokemon Platinum. It was really good.53. What’s your opinion on DLC these days?I don’t care for it. If it’s a game I like, I might drop a bit (every month) on microtransactions, but as for solo games, they need to be really really good for me to spend another $20 on it.54. Do you give in to Steam sales?oh god yeah unfortunately. Speaking of which… the stream summer sale is up right now…55. Did you ever make someone you hated in the Sims and did mean stuff to them?never played the sims, and I’m glad to say I’m not that petty.56. Did you ever play Roller Coaster Tycoon and kill off your guests?never played Roller Coaster Tycoon57. Did you ever play a game to 100% or get all of the achievements?only once, and it was Legend of Zelda: Link Between Worlds.58. If you can only play 3 games for the rest of your life, which ones do you pick?League of Legends. and that’s like it. I can’t think of any other game that will hold it’s value for the rest of my life.59. Do you play any cell phone games?I played a lot, and honestly had a problem, but now it’s kind of like a rotating roster for me. Used to be those Gacha pay to win RPG’s now I have basic games to play on my breaks at work because I get no signal in the break room.60. Do you know the Konami Code?up up down down left right left right b a start cha cha real smooth two hops two hops - - two hops two hops - - hands on your knees hands on your knees61. Do you trade in your games or keep them forever?my games are constantly rotating. When I stop feeling it for a game, and it still has value over $15 it goes towards a new game.62. Ever buy a console specifically to play one game?Technically I got the switch just for breath of the wild, but I am enjoying the other titles coming out for it.63. Ever go to a gaming convention or tournament? I went to a tournament and got bm’d so I never went back.64. Ever make a TV or monitor purchase based on what would be best for gaming?no but I kind of want to one day.65. Ever have a Game Genie, Game Shark or Action Replay? Did it ever mess up your game’s save file?I had an action replay because I wanted to cheat in pokemon pearl, and it let me for a bit, but I kept accidentally erasing all the data on the action replay itself, so yeah.66. Did you ever have have an old Nokia with Snake on it?I actually did. When one of my old flip phones broke, I needed a cheap replacement.67. Do you have a happy gaming-related childhood memory you want to share?for this question, we’re gonna pretend “childhood” encompasses freshman year of college. I remember telling my best friends about a smash tournament that was going on while I was away, and that I would be back for the last half of it. They were telling me about how well they were doing on the way back and I got more and more hyped. Then when I got there for the grand finals, I asked the guy that everyone considered to be the best player there to play some casuals with me. and I absolutely obliterated him. I could go more into detail but yeah, that’s like my most memorable gaming moment.68. Ever save up a ton of tickets in an arcade to get something cool?god no, I really wish I learned to be that frugal, but anytime I went to a place with tickets, those tickets would be gone literally the same night, no matter how cheap the prises were.69. In your opinion, best game ever made? I think my personal favorite is Pokemon mystery dungeons: Explorers of Sky. story line, gameplay, music, everything about it made me so happy.70. Very first game you ever beat?I think it was pokemon ruby, but honestly, I’m not super sure.