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chierushi · 6 months ago

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We're All Animals

Thoughts on BoJack Horseman

A personal note: I have been asked a few times how's life recently, and I sincerely answer "not much", at least, nothing interesting for me to tell. Meanwhile, I have this pages long babble on various media I'm into, and I'm thinking, maybe this is how you get me to talk. I think this is how I reveal myself. These are subjects you're probably not expecting. But if you ask me what's going on, well, let me tell you this show I watched.

Thanks to transcripts.foreverdreaming.org for the transcripts!

[S1E8]

Herb: So you're apologizing. BoJack: Yes. I'm sorry. Herb: Okay. I don't forgive you. BoJack: Herb, I said I'm sorry. Herb: Yeah, and I do not forgive you. BoJack: Not sure you get what's happening here. This could be the last time that you— Herb: No. I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that. [coughs] You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay. BoJack: I really think that we'd both feel better if we just— Herb: I'm dying. I'm not gonna feel better, and I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better.

We glorify forgiveness without care, even a thought, of how it only serves the self. Being forgiven benefits you. The other party is left with brokenness, the burden of paying your betterment.

[S1E9]

BoJack: Todd, thank God you're here! Did I miss it? Is it too late? Todd: Dude. I'm done with this. No. No. Mr. Peanutbutter's been nice to me. BoJack: Mr. Peanutbutter is nice to everybody. That's what makes him so stupid. Todd: No, I'm stupid. But even I know that the only reason you're doing this is because you're in love with Diane. BoJack: Yes, that's right. And I'm here to finally tell her how I feel. Todd: BoJack, she knows how you feel. BoJack: How? I barely just realized— Todd: Hey, man, she made her choice. Look around. This day is not about you, okay? So maybe you should just stop trying to mess with other people's lives.

This is Todd after realizing BoJack sabotaged her rock opera career! Despite his carefree lifestyle, he knows his boundaries, and he's even generous to give some space for friendship with BoJack even after the betrayal. As someone who tolerates many red flags (as modern people dub it), I can totally relate.

[S1E11]

Todd: As you know, I was hurt, but then I realized that's just how you are. You know, and maybe I just need to stop expecting you to be a good person, so that way, I won't get hurt when you're not.

Todd, Diane, and Princess Carolyn are similar in a way they can tolerate BoJack the longest. They are also the people who was with BoJack before his arrest. Not surprisingly, when BoJack got busted by the media with his true involvement with Sarah Lynn's death, it's Todd who walks away first after BoJack is firm on his decision to lie his way out of his crime.

Okay that was from season 6. I've watched this show too many times I'm comfortable to admit.

BoJack: Do you think it's too late for me? Diane: What? BoJack: I mean, am I just doomed to be the person that I am? The person in that book? It's not too late for me, is it? It's not too late. Diane, I need you to tell me that it's not too late. Diane: BoJack, I— BoJack: I need you to tell me that I'm a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self-destructive, but underneath all that, deep down, I'm a good person, and I need you to tell me that I'm good, Diane. Tell me, please, Diane. Tell me that I'm good.

How long can they hold on to him until he gets his 💩 together?

Maybe this was BoJack’s major flaw: he seeks validation from the wrong places. He respects Diane's opinion and even if he knows he doesn't live up to it, he pursues it. Will her approval be ever enough? Will that be enough for him to change? Diane knows when to give up on people. She seeks out to find that love and recognizes the right kind. She stays for this as long as she can; and leaves only if necessary.

[S1E12]

Mr. Peanutbutter: You want to spend three months in Sudan? Diane: Not just there. We're also going to Haiti and Thailand and Uganda and Chechnya. Mr. Peanutbutter: Can't you do all that in L.A.? Diane: I want to do something important. I want to help people and do good work and sleep on the ground and poop in a bucket. Mr. Peanutbutter: Honey, nobody wants to poop in a bucket. Diane: Maybe I do. Maybe I want to poop in a bucket. Mr. Peanutbutter: If you want to poop in a bucket, we can get you a bucket. You don't have to go all the way the Chechnylavakia. Am I saying that right? Diane: It's not just the pooping in a bucket. I think it might be good for me to get out of L.A. for a little bit. Mr. Peanutbutter: Sweetie, you know I support you, whatever you want to do, but you're not gonna find what you're looking for in these awful made-up places. The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead.

Should Diane have taken the job? I think so. Is Sebastian St. Claire a hypocrite? Yes. Would writing for him betray Diane’s principles? Maybe. I think what matters is people get help, whether through pure intentions or not. But I guess that’s too idealistic. Diane, eventually, gets fed up by seeing that every day. Her fixation on making a difference in the world may be deemed noble, but that goal can contain a hint of egocentrism in it. There is glory hidden behind saving the world. Are we sure we’re not gunning for the fame? And even if we don’t, can we handle the repercussions?

On Mr. Peanutbutter, nihilism aside, I do believe that while happiness can be found outside of your present situation, we should not rule out the possibility of disappointment. Diane always chased that feeling, and somehow she manages to get hold of it. It’s good that someone keeps her grounded.

BoJack: Well, do you think I'm a good person deep down? Diane: That's the thing. I don't think I believe in deep down. I kind of think all you are is just the things that you do. BoJack: Well, that's depressing. For what it's worth, I think your writing does make a difference. Diane: Thanks. BoJack: I really wanted you to like me, Diane. Diane: I know.

She’s probably the only one who rejected BoJack's advances and did not drive him to further madness. How did she do it? I think because she made him feel that her rejection does not matter in the end. Her opinion can change but also won’t last. She won’t be here forever. She won’t stay. What matters is how BoJack sees himself.

[S2E7]

Mr. Peanutbutter: I asked you, really nicely, not to make a big thing out of this. Diane: Yeah, I know, but someone— Mr. Peanutbutter: Had to say something, right? And that someone had to be you? Because why? I really don't get it. What is accomplished by you being the one to take a stand on this? Diane: Uh Mr. Peanutbutter— Mr. Peanutbutter: This game show is a really big deal for me. And I know that sounds stupid to you, and small. But I need this to go well, and I can't…Those are death threats. People want to murder my wife because of what she's saying on the news about something that she has nothing to do with. Diane: *reads* "You can't. You stupid, ugly can't." Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah, that doesn't say "can't." Diane: Oh. Mr. Peanutbutter: God, you know, you'd almost be safer in Cordovia. Diane: Yeah, maybe I should go to Cordovia. I'm obviously not making a difference here. Mr. Peanutbutter: Actually, maybe you should. Go feel good about yourself and do your important work. And maybe some space might be good for us. Diane: You don't really want me to go, do you? Mr. Peanutbutter: Why does it suddenly matter what I want?

Oof, that’s rough.

What kind of difference should one make? Is there even a less noble one? If Diane wouldn’t pursue her ideals, if she would choose her husband’s career instead, would that be wrong? Is her prioritizing her husband over oppression be a disservice to common good?

[S2E12]

Mr. Peanutbutter: I know you're doing important work and it's a long way to travel, but I need you here and I think you should come home. Diane: Is that really what you want? Mr. Peanutbutter: Of course it is. Diane: Well, okay, I'm looking at this website right now and it says if I leave immediately, I can still make it home tonight. Mr. Peanutbutter: That sounds great. Diane: I love you. Mr. Peanutbutter: I love you, too, Diane…You know, it's the funniest thing. There is a woman in this restaurant who looks just like you. Diane: *laughs* I guess I just have one of those faces.

This is probably my most favorite scene. Diane hid from Mr. Peanutbutter for months, probably out of shame, and they accidentally saw at a restaurant. Maybe I just like dogs, but also, isn’t Mr. Peanutbutter the nicest husband? This right here is love.

[S3E3]

Cuddlywhiskers: Because an Oscar is meaningless. It's all meaningless. I dedicated myself to helping others. I turned my home into a halfway house for troubled addicts. I had this system for recovery, and it helped a lot of them, but even more slipped through the cracks. That, too, left me empty. Diane: Everyone was worried about you, you know. You can't just disappear. You really hurt a lot of people. Cuddlywhiskers: Sometimes you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. Diane: You don't think that's a little selfish? Cuddlywhiskers: I don't know what to tell you. I'm happy, for the first time in my life. I'm not gonna feel bad about it. It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, even longer to see it doesn't have to be that way. Only after you give up everything can you begin to find a way to be happy.

The foreshadowing!

Also, I agree and disagree with Cuddlywhiskers. It is quite selfish to leave everything behind and do not take responsibility for your past actions and just think of your happiness, but who am I to judge, really. Who am I to say he wasn’t depressed enough to do better? At least now, he’s pursuing a good thing.

[S3E7]

The Closer: What spoke to you about that particular ad? BoJack: I don't know. All the pictures of me, they looked backwards. When I looked at the mirror ad, I was seeing me as I see myself and I thought there was something beautiful about that. Intimate, almost. Lenny: Of course you like this ad. When you look at it you see Secretariat, I see an old turtle. "Hello, old turtle. Are you Secretariat? No? You're just some old turtle? What the hell? You've aged terribly." BoJack: But you've got the heart of a champion. Lenny: I got a team of cardiologists at Cedars who say different. BoJack: Isn't that the point of the movie, that anybody could be Secretariat?

I love this scene so much because this testifies to his artistry beneath the tar pit that is himself. I remember Princess Carolyn that him being a good at his craft is one of his best qualities. Cliche as it is, but he fits into the stereotype of troubled artist.

[S3E10]

BoJack: Todd, I'm sorry, all right? I screwed up. I know I screwed up. I don't know why— Todd: Oh, great! Of course! Here it comes! You can't keep doing this! You can't keep doing shitty things, and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better! BoJack: I know. And I'm sorry, okay? I was drunk, and there was all this pressure with the Oscar campaign. But now…Now that it's over, I— Todd: No! No, BoJack, just stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. It's you. All right? It's you. Fuck, man. What else is there to say?

The writers had made it a rule that the word "Fuck" can be used only once per season and only when a relationship with BoJack is permanently damaged. Although Todd said the word to BoJack in "It's You" and subsequently moved out of his house, the two eventually reconciled and, by the series finale, were on mostly good terms. (From BoJack Horseman wiki)

This is heartbreaking for me. I can rank this second after Diane’s eventual breakup with BoJack. Unlike the other characters BoJack has broken relationships with, Todd is the one we’ve seen the most, and I dare say who tolerated BoJack the most. He isn’t perfect, he’s broken in his own ways, but he isn’t problematic either. He cares for BoJack, and knows when and how to set boundaries with him. Should Todd reconcile with him? I’m not sure, but I also believe reconciliation is powerful. There is transformation happening when we journey with people, no matter how fucked up they are. This requires a lot though, so proceed with caution. Healing happens in community, and some of us are gifted with the ability to take care of others.

[S4E5]

This is a beautiful episode and commentary on gun violence and patriarchy and misogyny. Watching it speaks for itself; I don’t need to write about it haha

[S4E6]

This is like the most depression-inducing episode because I think everyone who has an experience with it will be familiar with BoJack’s thoughts. This also reminds me of what the Bible is saying about loving your neighbor. At one point, he called Hollyhock “grubby”. I know he loves her but why did he look at her like that? Probably because he doesn’t love himself, and doesn’t see himself good.

Throughout the episode, he goes somewhere else to escape his mother. But really, what he needs is to escape himself. Unfortunately, and he doesn’t realize this yet, that the tar pit is him.

"Do I think L.A. is a tar pit? No. No, I think you're the tar pit…I'm just saying, like It doesn't matter where you are, it's who you are, and that's not gonna change whether you're in California or Maine or New Mexico. You know, you can't escape you." —Charlotte in S2E11

[S4E12]

Favorite scene!!! I knew right then and there, I will be hurt by whatever and whoever caused this smile on BoJack, but it was, truly, really nice while it lasted.

[S5E2]

Favorite episode! One of the many episodes that speaks for itself and no extra commentary necessary for it to become more than what it already is: brilliant writing.

Diane: And it breaks your heart, again after your heart was so broken that you thought it could never get any more broken. You thought it was safe, but it still, somehow, finds a new way to break. Because, even though, you're the one who asked for this, now that you've got it, you are completely adrift with no compass, or map, or sense of where to go, or what to do. So you go to Vietnam. You think you might find community, a connection to something bigger, but you don't. In fact, you feel even more alone than you were before you left. But you survive. You learn that you can survive being alone.

[S5E4]

Ana: Vance has a troubled past. All he's asking for is a fresh start. Diane: No. Why does he get that over and over? Ana: He's reformed. What else would you have him do? Let's say, you can make him do anything you want to make things right. What would you make Vance Waggoner do, now? Diane: Nothing. I don't think he can make things right. Ana: Well, then, what do you hope to accomplish, here? Diane: Can't you just admit to me, just between the two of us, that this sucks? You can say it's your job, that you believe in "forgiveness," whatever, but don't you at least a little bit think that when we let guys like Vance off the hook when you, as a woman, give awful men the cover of your friendship, when you work for them. First of all, they're not gonna get better. Second of all, you are then complicit no, you're culpable for the terrible things they do.

Ana is hopeless. She’s just here for herself, for the present. Diane, at least, is still fighting for her principles, even when she’s proven over and over again that this cannot be toppled down overnight. She may have made her compromises here and there, but the audience can still count on her to do the right thing, or at least, her best.

[S5E6]

BoJack: And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that's what losing a parent is like. It's like Becker. Suddenly, you realize you'll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you'd never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn't even realize it until that chance went away. "My mother is dead, and everything is worse now." Because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, "BoJack Horseman, I see you."

Another brilliant writing. This is just my favorite part of his monologue but the entire thing is chef's kiss.

[S5E10]

Diane: Did you really mean what you said, before the screening? About how Philbert made you feel okay, about yourself? Bojack: Oh, I don't know— Diane: Because, you know, that's not the point of Philbert, for guys to watch it and feel okay. Bojack: Diane, it's a compliment. You did a good job. Relax. Diane: I don't want you, or anyone else, justifying their shitty behavior because of the show. Bojack: What is your problem? Why can't you accept that something you did is successful? It's connecting to people, and that's good.

Is this how the creators of BoJack Horseman is feeling? That BoJack may not scare of the evil in us but instead usher it and make itself comfortable with us? That is the risk of this series, huh? These characters are not black and white. Media can brand them however they want, but the audience will decide for themselves. How do we relate to BoJack? Do we see ourselves in him? Or at least, a part of him? Do we forgive, tolerate, celebrate such a person? Do we see him in people around us? Do we see him in people we've cut ties with? People we love?

Diane: And you don't feel bad, about any of this stuff? BoJack: Yeah, of course I do! I've spent so much time feeling bad. By the way, most of these women don't even remember, I bet. Diane: Well, that's really convenient for you. BoJack: I'm the one who has to live with this shit. I'm the one who has to feel the guilt all day, every day. Diane: So, you're the victim here? BoJack: Yeah, and I know that's not the woke, progressive, intersectionally appropriate thing to say, but I would say, yeah! I'm the one who has suffered the most because of the actions of BoJack Horseman. Diane: You've suffered? BoJack: Yeah, I have! Diane: The most? The most! Really? More than, say, Sarah Lynn?

This should not be a competition of who suffered more. Don't we have the right to feel pain if we are the offender? Should we deserve the pain we feel? Is there a righteous way to bear guilt?

This is not to excuse BoJack, of course. He should be ashamed of his actions, but feeling bad is not enough accountability. Nevertheless, this signals hope for me that someday, he'll get cleaned up permanently, correctly.

BoJack: When I met you, I was depressed because I didn't like myself. And when you wrote that book and sold a bajillion copies, you taught me that as screwed up as I am, that's okay. You did that. And now I'm okay. Diane: I don't believe that's true. And I don't think you believe it's true. I think you want me to tell you that you can be better. And even though you're being a total asshole right now, I still believe it. If all you've gotten out of this friendship, is the idea that you should be okay with yourself, as you are, then I don't think this is a good relationship for either of us.

We have harbored this idea that it's okay to be whoever you are. Sure, in some cases, this is true. But we have stretched that idea so far, it has gotten to a point where the acceptable justification has become whatever caters to "I". In our mission to make everyone welcome in the society, morality has its waters muddled. Yes, we are unimaginably flawed, but also, it shouldn't hinder us from becoming better, especially when, in the process of being ourselves, we've hurt the people around us. BoJack, the audience really, should not get lost chasing to feel good about yourself. That is just a by product of making good choices, decisions that benefit the other and not only the self; it is not the goal.

[S5E12]

Bojack: I'm gonna come clean about everything. Gina: What? Bojack: Everyone needs to know what I did. Gina: No. Don't do that. Bojack: Gina, what I did to you—I saw the video and it looked pretty bad. Gina: Yeah. I'll say it was pretty bad. It was assault. You physically overpowered me, and if there were any justice, you would be in jail right now. Bojack: Okay, so— Gina: But my career, after so many failed attempts, is finally starting to take off. I am getting offers, and fan mail, and magazine columns about what a good actor I am. People know me because of my acting. And all that goes away if I'm just the girl who got choked by BoJack Horseman. Bojack: I can't lie about this. Gina: I don't want you to be the most notable thing that ever happened to me. I don't want you to be the question I get asked in interviews for the rest of my life.

Doing the right thing can be very selfish! Doing the right thing demands a lot from the victim. This exposes the person to shame. Doing the right thing is messy. I feel so bad for Gina that she has to give herself up to reach her dreams.

BoJack: Everything. I need to get it out. Diane: No. I'm done writing about you, or for you, or with you. BoJack: Diane, please, I need this. BoJack: I'm a bad guy and the world needs to know. Diane: There's no such thing as "bad guys" or "good guys." We're all just guys who do good stuff sometimes and bad stuff sometimes. And all we can do is try to do less bad stuff and more good stuff, but you're never going to be good. Because you're not bad. So, you need to stop using that as an excuse. BoJack: I am asking to be held accountable. Diane: And I'm telling you it's not gonna happen. Whatever you put in that story, no one is gonna "hold you accountable." You need to take responsibility for yourself.

Where do we get out validation from? The public? Us as a whole, especially on the internet, does not make a council of goodness. You gotta need a better, or if not, a closer authority on that. In BoJack’s case, his friends wasn’t able to do that for him. Thankfully, rehab is another option.

Diane: I was there for her. Bojack: Why? Diane: Because I'm an idiot. And it was Abby. And I hated her, and I will never forgive her, but she needed me and she was my best friend and I loved her. And now you're here, and I hate you, but you're my best friend, and you need me.

People change people. Still.

[S6E8]

Margo: Yet I find myself consumed by thoughts of my past. Mother Superior: You have no past. You've confessed. Your sins have been washed clean. This is like day one stuff, what are we talking about here? Margo: The people I've hurt, the lives I've ruined, are they washed clean as well? Mother Superior: Your regrets are of no benefit to the Lord. Ruminating so is a solipsism unbefitting a sister of the cloth. Margo: Is it solipsism to be concerned with the fates of others? Perhaps one could argue cloistering oneself from the world is itself a form of solipsism…if one were being ungenerous.

That was a good intro to the struggle that this episode will present: Can anyone really get a fresh start? Is it fair to the people your past self has hurt?

Here we are, the episode I dread the most. I've rewatched this show many times but Paige Sinclair's entrance to the story is still the one I hate the most. I remember watching it the first time, and even then, I knew, shit's about to go down.

BoJack is doing great. Rehab saved him. Yet, this isn’t the end. He settled the tranquility of his present and future self. The past, particularly with Sarah Lynn, still demands payment. I remember being afraid this would cost him a lot, this time, more than what he’s willing to bargain for. Will he pursue sobriety still, even when he’s stripped of everything?

[S6E14]

Mr. Peanutbutter: Tell me what it's like to be Diane. Diane: Okay. When you're Diane, you can live your whole life like it's a puzzle, put together from the pieces of different sets. Mr. Peanutbutter: Like a crossover puzzle? Diane: Exactly. Your whole life is full of these pieces that don't quite fit. Mr. Peanutbutter: Sounds like a hard puzzle. Diane: But at some point, you start to think it's you. You're the piece that doesn't quite fit. And you spend so long with that feeling that the feeling becomes your home. And it can be jarring when you discover one day that you suddenly don't feel that way anymore. At first, you don't trust it. But then, gradually, you do. I'm sorry. That was a weird thing to be telling my ex-husband. Mr. Peanutbutter: No. I'm really happy for you, Diane. Diane: It's funny. I feel like if we met each other as the people we are now, things would be totally different with us. Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah, but if we hadn't met each other until now, we wouldn't be the people we are now.

Nothing really, I just love them together haha! A nice conversation between ex-spouses.

[S6E16]

Diane & BoJack GIF not mine, credit goes to horseman-bojack on Tumblr.

Endings, of a show, of a friendship, can be beautiful. Haunting, tragic, but satisfying conclusion. It was, indeed, nice while it lasted.

#chierushireviews #bojack horseman #bojackhorseman #Spotify

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letsbeoutoftouch · 4 years ago

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Back in December 2016, during a sleepover, my friends and I decided to watch EXO's Chanyeol's most recent movie, "So I Married an Anti-Fan". It effortlessly became one of my favourite movies, so much so that I rewatch it —at least— once a year.

Therefore, when it was first announced that South Korea was going to produce a drama based on the same story, I was thrilled. The feeling only increased when I found out that the male lead was Choi Tae-Joon, whom I loved because of Suspicious Partner. Later (to be more precise, this year), I discovered that the other lead was the one and only Sooyoung from SNSD!

The drama was filmed back in 2018, and it was supposed to air a loooot sooner, but it had a few problems and it finally came out this year. Since I don't like waiting for episodes to come out each week, I waited until it finished airing to watch it... And, today, I finished it!

So, here's my review, fresh out the oven!

· · ·

So I Married an Anti-Fan is a 2021 South Korean drama, featuring Choi Tae-Joon, Choi Sooyoung, Hwang Chansung and Han Ji-Ahn. It's based on the novel "그래서 나는 안티팬과 결혼했다" (So I Married an Anti-Fan), written by Kim Eun Jun and published in 2010.

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· · ·

♡ PLOT:

The story revolves around Hoo Joon (Tae-Joon), a well-known idol, and Geun Young (Sooyoung), a magazine reporter. They meet during an event, where a series of misunderstandings leads them to have a bad impression of each other.

For this reason, when Geun Young loses her job, she's under the impression that it was Hoo Joon's doing and is therefore keen on "reveal" Joon's real character. However, her retaliation backfires, and she attracts a lot of attention as his "anti-fan".

Later, a TV producer approaches them both to star in a reality show. Geun Young and Hoo Joon accept and think to give each other a hard time on set. But, as time goes by, they get to know each other better and better.

· · ·

♡ EPISODES:

It's made up of 16 episodes, running for an hour each (i.e., your typical k-drama).

· · ·

♡ CHARACTERS:

-Geun Young (FL): She's the best character, hands down (I swear I'm not being biased because I love Sooyoung).

For some reason, I've seen a lot of bad comments about this character. I don't truly understand why some people said that she didn't stand up for herself or that she was so-so, when she dealt really well with everything that had happened to her. I'd like to see all those people in her shoes—I bet they'd have cracked up quickly.

Also, she's like the least toxic character I've ever come across in a drama. She waits patiently for Joon to deal with his problems and doesn't jump to conclusions regarding his relationship with In Hyeong and Jae Joon. She lets him do his thing, is an independent woman, and tries to be as little of a burden as she can to the people she cares about. So, props to her!

▫ ▫ ▫

-Hoo Joon (ML): Although I overall liked his character, I admit that if I hadn't previously watched the movie, I'd probably be wary of him at the beginning. But, don't worry: as the story progresses, you get to know him better. He's patient and thinks of other people's feelings and well-being a lot (sometimes, a little too much for his own good, but he's a good boy).

I felt the need to include that there was this one scene where he acts... In a way that I didn't find appealing. Fortunately, he isn't like that all throughout the drama. Also, he isn't toxic like a lot of the male leads in drama-land. If you're wondering which scene I'm referring to, here's a spoiler: *SPOILER ALERT* When he and Geun Young start dating, they are requested to film an advertisement together. In the filming, he acts all "jealous" because the dress she was wearing was too short for his liking. I'm sorry, but she's the only one who has a say on how short a dress she's wearing is—not you, not even if you're her partner *END OF SPOILER ALERT*.

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-JJ/Jae Joon (SML): Jae Joon is the second male lead, and he was portrayed by 2PM's Chansung.

I'm sorry, but I never could come to terms with this character, not even during the last episodes. If the writers' intention was for me to hate him, they (and Chansung's acting) totally achieved that purpose.

He is incredibly selfish and keeps this attitude up to episode 13/14. Towards the ending, the story tries that the audience feels some sympathy towards him—it is shown why he acted the way he did. Nevertheless, in my opinion, while his past may explain his actions, it doesn't justify any of them. That's why I couldn't bring myself to feel sympathetic or empathetic towards him. *SPOILER ALERT* In fact, I think Hoo Joon was too nice to be there for him in the last two or three episodes. *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

He's also outright abusive. *SPOILER ALERT* I mean, he slapped In Hyeong and broke her laptop ¿?... Even though I didn't like her that much, nothing justifies that kind of violent behaviour. *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

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-In Hyeong (SFL): She's the second female lead, portrayed by actress Han Ji-Ahn.

Oh, man. I had a hard time trying to wrap my head around this character. I was just going to say that I couldn't stand her because she was always purposely putting a spanner in the works, making everyone's life difficult.

However, as I was drafting this review, I began reflecting on the character and felt sympathy for her. She was in a vulnerable place—leaving aside that she felt abandoned by her first love, she had trouble trying to make her career take off, and she was in a really abusive relationship. It could be argued that JJ and In Hyeon were both toxic to each other, but it was clear that he was the one with the upper hand (he was the CEO of her new agency, which brings a real disbalance of power).

Moreover, it was hinted several times that all she went through took a toll on her mental health (*SPOILER ALERT* she was always taking pills to calm down, and she freaking tried to kill herself!!!!!!! *END OF SPOILER ALERT*). I believe she needed professional help to put herself back together, so she could let go of her past and finally leave that abusive relationship.

· · ·

♡ COUPLES:

Since this drama mostly gravitates towards romantic relationships, I'm including this section.

▫ ▫ ▫

-Geun Young x Hoo Joon: They are your typical enemies to lovers.

In the beginning, their relationship was tainted by a lot of misunderstandings, which led them to hate each other's guts (but, where's the charm in a k-drama that isn't filled with misunderstandings, am I right?). Once they started to spend more time together, they began understanding each other better. In time, they were able to leave their pride aside and got rid of their prejudices (yes, the story gives Jane Austen-ish vibes, so much so that "Pride and Prejudice" is mentioned a few times).

Their chemistry was alright. I would have changed some parts of the script that made a lot of scenes to be super cringey—especially, before some of their kisses (like, what a way to ruin such an awaited moment!).

The thing I liked the most about them was that neither of them was toxic, and they knew how and when to give the other person space. They were sweet, but not unbearable sweet—just the exact amount.

▫ ▫ ▫

-In Hyeong x Jae Joon: I don't know if they can be considered a true couple, but I'm adding them here just to repeat that I HATED THEM TOGETHER.

· · ·

♡ SOME PERSONAL INTERPRETATIONS AND THOUGHTS:

For me, the story tries to show the two sides of the same coin: things that may seem completely different, but are essentially the same. You can see it with Hoo Joon/Geun Young, their friends, and even with Hoo Joon/Jae Joon. Of course, this could be argued—it is just my personal impression.

Also, while the drama condemns some of the toxic fan behaviour, it sometimes romanticises it. *SPOILER ALERT* one fan freaking kidnapped him, and everything was suddenly alright ¿¿ Nuh-uh *END OF SPOILER ALERT*

· · ·

♡ DRAMA VS. MOVIE:

As I mentioned above, there's a prior Chinese movie from 2016 that was based on this novel. It features EXO's Chanyeol, Yuan Shan Shan, SNSD's Seohyun, and Jian Chao.

For obvious reasons, the story is shrunk down in the movie. There are a lot of things that weren't included in the movie, other things were overly simplified, and some stuff was missing and/or changed.

If you want to have a good laugh, then I recommend you to watch the movie. It's filled with non-sensical comedy that, in my opinion, China excels at. However, if you are more inclined towards drama, then the South Korean version is the one for you (you'll laugh, too, don't worry).

· · ·

♡ SUMMARY:

This is, basically, a sweet enemies-to-lovers, famous-person-and-normal-person story. If you like any of those troupes, then you're in for a treat.

It's a really lighthearted story that will make you laugh. Don't expect a complicated plot because there won't be one. It's ideal to have a break from all those dramas where you can't miss a single detail because you'll get lost, or from those dramas which plots are so heavy they end up tiring your mind out.

I loved the cast, and their acting was great (especially Chansung's, because he made me hate his character with a passion, lmao).

ALSO, if you like Sung Hoon (My Secret Romance, Oh My Venus) like me, then WATCH THIS DRAMA, lol. He has a guest role in some episodes!

· · ·

So I Married an Anti-Fan is available on VIKI!

· · ·

If you read the whole review, thank you very much! I hope you liked it.

#so i married an anti fan #so i married the anti fan #kdrama #kdramas #choi sooyoung #choi tae joon #chansung #han ji ahn #review

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imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl · 4 years ago

Text

The Perfect Bad Boy (Pt. 16 of 18)

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X Reader

Word count: 3 K

Summary: Working as a lifeguard in the Hawkins Community Pool, you try to fit in after moving from New York. Things were going pretty well when you notice you've been under someone's stare. Billy Hargrove, Hawkins' bad boy, has been staring at you since day one. You never intended to have anything to do with him, judging by the reputation he has. But Billy won't leave you alone, determined to show you his feelings are different this time...

As if your heart flooding you with confusing feelings wasn't enough, there are weird, strange animals lurking in the woods... But those have to be just part of the wild live of the woods surrounding Hawkins... Right?

<- Previous part (15)

Next part (17) ->

{Stranger Things Masterlist}

The Loss Of A Friend

You've never been to a funeral. Well, you did, but you were a kid and you didn't know the family friend who was being buried that day. In your child's mind, you didn't get why everyone was wearing black, in uncomfortable silence, crying all day long. You remember clearly that a blue bug got your attention, making your eyes follow its every move, making you smile despite the sad atmosphere.

It couldn't be more different today.

As the coffin is lowered into the ground, where Jason will forever rest now, you hold Billy's hand, the soft fabric of your black dress tickling your tights. You barely feel it though, all your sensations resumed to the weight in your chest, crushing, squeezing your ribs, smashing your heart.

You suddenly remember the day Monica introduced you to Jason. It was the Saturday before you started working at the pool, in the parking lot of Starcourt Mall. He had his little brother on one arm, and the girl walking beside him, tugging on the hem his shirt.

“So that's the new girl.” He said, a smile spreading across his lips as he reached out his hand for you to shyly shake. “I'm Jason, born to bear the weight of being Monica's cousin, but also the coolest guy you'll find in Hawkins.”

That, of course, started a small war of cheesy pick-up lines, insults, and sarcastic comments. You laughed, feeling easily welcomed by Monica's cousin.

Now, what gets your attention is how his young siblings cry, yell, calling out Jason as is he was just sleeping inside the wooden box and would wake up, smile, and start chasing them around again. He won't. Jason is only a memory now.

“I think we should go,” Billy says in a low voice, letting go of your hand to rub your arms softly.

Nodding, you let him guide you to his Camaro, driving you away from the sea of people dressed in black. You've known Jason for such a little time compared to everyone else here, who saw him grow up, studied with him, lived near him for many years. Your pain is just a speck of dust compared to theirs.

When you get home, the sun is setting. You decide to call Diane, just to make sure she's alright, but you don't tell what happened. It would make her come here immediately, and the last thing you need is someone else you care about being in danger. You have to lie, despite hating yourself for it, telling her that your voice is funny because you had to yell a lot with the kids at the pool. But it's better this way. There are more than enough people here you need to worry about.

“Come here,” Billy calls when you finally head to the bedroom. He sits in the bed, back against the headrest and you're quick to crawl into the bed and into his arms. “How are you feeling?”

“I don't know. Sad doesn't really explain it.” Putting your legs over his, you hide your face on his neck, breathing in your favorite cologne, the only one he uses since the day you told him that. “I can't believe I buried Jason. Jason. My crazy-ass friend.” Your voice cracks and you hold back a sob. “I'll never hear those stupid jokes again.”

“I'm so sorry, princess.” There's a pain in his voice too. Billy has been around Jason a bit, mostly with you. But you know he's actually sad because of how broken you are. You can see it in his eyes, that he wish he could take your pain away, and that he's desperate because he doesn't know what to do.

But there's nothing Billy or anyone else could do. You can't fight death. You can't hit it with a baseball bat full of nails until it gives your friend back. The only thing you can do is avenge him. Get whatever took him and destroy it.

“I wanna kill those Demothings.” The anger in your voice is tangible, and you clench your hands into fists. “I swear to God, Billy, I'll kill one of them myself.”

“Anger won't help. We need to be smart about it. We need a strategy.” Billy is often angry with things. Mostly with things that hurt you, but this time, you get why he's taking another path, trying to calm you down instead of putting more wood in the fire. “The meeting is set for tomorrow. We'll find a battle plan to kill those damn things.” His hand comes to lay on your thigh, fingers softly caressing your skin. “But for now you need to rest, ok? I'll cook something you like and then we'll cuddle watching some nice movie. How does that sound?”

“What if I cry through the movie?” You ask because more tears start rolling down, it doesn't matter how many times you try to get rid of them.

“Then I'll hold you tight.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Billy is kind enough to try and get you into some small talk. Nothing too complicated, nothing related to the Demothings or Jason. You're thankful for that. He even manages to get a few laughs from you, although they're always followed by a reality check when the events of the last two days hit you again, and the smile is gone.

A couple of hours later you're watching Jaws, your head on Billy's chest as you try to follow the events of the movie. But it seems way too fast for you, or it's just your mind that's refusing to process anything that's happening.

You just keep thinking about death. About how Jason's whole life was cut short. How all of his plans for the future were erased.

“Billy, can I ask you something?” Keeping your voice low, you speak up for the first time since you came to the living room after having dinner.

“Of course, princess. What is it?”

Biting your lip, you consider if you should really bring that up. It's selfish to talk about your future when someone else won't have one. But this whole situation made you want to make plans because it's a privilege to still be here. It's a blessing to still have time. “What you said to Joyce about... Marriage. Did you really mean that or–” Pushing yourself up from where you were laying on top of him, you take a deep breath. “–or were you just trying to get out of the conversation. Because it's ok if–”

“Haven't I made it clear that I want to be with you for the rest of my life?” He moves to sit up as well, pulling you close until you're placed in between his legs, a hand caressing your cheek. “Because if I hadn't, I'll make it clear now. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I don't know how it happened, and it did get me by surprise, but the day you walked in the Hawkins Community Pool, I knew something changed in me. I knew I had to get to know you, and I did thought it would pass, that I'd get tired of you as I got of the other girls, but I didn't.” Billy holds you closer to him, your foreheads touching. “You hit me like–”

“Bang.” You finish for him, the memory of the day he was unbelievably honest with you coming back. The day he admitted to you, and somehow to himself too, that he liked you. It was also the day he punched David, and the day he kissed your cheek, making your stomach burn like it has been set on fire.

“Like bang.” He breathes out, warm lips coming in touch with yours. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you pull him as close as you can, the need to feel that he's here, with you, clouding the sound of the TV. Billy moves to lay back down again, and when you move to follow his change of posture, your knee slips and connects to his ribs. “Ouch!” He breathes out, cutting off the kiss.

“Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.” Covering your mouth, you bring the free hand to rub his side. “Sorry, baby.”

Taking a deep breath, he grabs your arm and pulls you down, making you collide on his chest, giggling. “Sorry. I shouldn't be joking around with you now.”

Squinting your eyes at him, you try to get up, but his strong arms come around your body, keeping you from moving. “I hate you, Hargrove.” The fake sentence is soon overcome by a giggle. “I'll kick you right this time, I'm warning you.”

“Oh, I'm shaking like a leaf.”

“Don't test me, Hargrove. Keep in mind we sleep on the same bed and I know all of your habits, baby.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Mhmm.” Mumbling, you manage to stand up, moving back into a sitting position. You know he actually let you go, but there's no reason to acknowledge that. Taking a deep breath, the sudden happiness is stained again, as the memories crawl back. It seems like Billy notices because his smile softens. “I love living with you, you know that, right?”

“I love waking up next to you every morning.”

You can't help the smile that comes to your lips as you bend over again, kissing his lips.

On the next day, Billy calls Anthony to ask him to give you a few days off work. Obviously, you have to urge your hothead boyfriend not to curse the manager and risk losing his job. You feel fine to go to the pool, or you think you do, but the truth is you wouldn't be paying much attention anyway. And much to your dismay, Billy gets a total of zero days off. No discussion, what makes him hang up the phone so hard you thought he broke the poor thing.

Since you don't want to be alone, and Billy would absolutely never allow you to be alone in the house when you're friend just died, he drives you to Joyce's place, where the party will gather to make plans.

Saying it's hard to be away from Billy on the day after you buried Jason is a misunderstanding. Seeing him drive away from Joyce's porch makes you feel like he's taking your heart with him. He didn't seem pleased either, but there was no other choice. You wouldn't make him miss the day, since you know Anthony is a terrible human being, just looking for the right excuse to get rid of the lifeguards.

“Honey, come inside,” Joyce calls a hand on your shoulder. “Can I get you something to eat? We had pizza last night and I have a slice in the fridge.”

“No, thank you, Joyce.” Politely, you decline her offer. “Is there any bed I can crash in?”

“Sure. Come.” Walking through Jonathan and Will, you wave at them, muttering a good morning and trying not to cry at their sad faces. They know Jason was a close friend, and, like everyone else, they don't know what to do or say. “This is Will's and Jonathan's room. Just pick a bed.” Nodding, you choose the one on the left and lie down. “Do you need to talk?”

“There's nothing to say.” Putting your head on a pillow, you stare at the ceiling. You feel comfortable around Joyce, she has this mother thing about her. “I just want this to end. Before anyone else gets... Eaten.” The word makes you shiver as it brings the image of his body back. “I wish I wasn't the one to find him. To... See him that way. I don't think I'll ever forget that.”

“Honey, I'm so sorry.” She comes to sit on the edge of the bed. “When... When they found Will's body, it hurt. I knew in my heart it wasn't him, but the very idea of losing my baby was horrible. So I have an idea of how you feel. Losing someone is a pain that doesn't go away. You'll get used to it, but it remains. All we can do is learn to deal with it and honor them by carrying their memories.”

You're crying through her speech, and you can't help but sit up and hug her, crying on her shoulder. “We have to be careful because I can't lose anyone else.” You're not sure if she can even understand what you're saying, but since she nods, you think she did.

“Don't worry, honey. We'll all be alright.” She pulls away, rubbing both your arms. “The kids will be here soon, but feel free to stay here or join us, ok? Do whatever makes you comfortable.”

“Thanks.” Offering her a small, sad smile, you watch as she leaves.

You hear when they get here, the chattering starts, and you can understand a few words here and there. They talk about you, and about Billy and about the funeral. But soon enough it falls into the major problem. And that's when you tune out, staring at the ceiling, trying not to make yourself too comfortable in someone else's bed.

The only thing you want now is Billy. You want to go back to the time where there was no Demogorgon, Demowhatever lurking around. At least to you. It's weird to know what really happened in Billy's car accident, how he was almost the host for the Mind Flayer. You're happy it didn't happen, that he's here now. You need to thank Max for that, actually. If it wasn't for her and the others, your Billy wouldn't be here. He could be dead, and you'd never meet him. He'd never shoot glances at you, or drive you home, buy you tacos or punch David's face. Or kiss you, hold you, love you. The thought of a life without Billy in it is absurd. Now, more than ever, after you lost someone so dear, you have this need to be with him. Just to make sure he's here.

Breathing out and closing your eyes, your hand comes to hold the necklace. It makes you feel closer to Billy, and there is a silent promise here, one you hold close to your heart, together with the earring.

Eyes open, you get up of the bed. You don't care if you got days off, you have to see him. Even if it's just for a hug. Leaving the bedroom, you make your way to the living room, which is crowded.

“We wait until it's late at night to make sure the Demodogs are out, sneak inside the tunnels, and spill insane amounts of gasoline all over it. Get the hell out, wait until it's morning, and set the whole thing on fire.” Dustin says, hands in the air and a smile on his face.

He's kidding, right? He can't be suggesting that as if it's the greatest idea of the world. “Are you completely insane?” You ask, making your presence known. Arms crossed, your eyes scan through the party. “You can't possibly think this is a good idea.”

“I agree with (Y/N), this is insane,” Joyce adds, her face making it clear she thinks this idea sucks. “I won't let you do that.”

“But–”

“The point is to kill them without getting ourselves killed. And every single idea you come up with has a hundred different ways to get us killed.” Steve says, both his hand on his hips as he paces around the room. “Who thinks this idea sucks raise your hand.” He's the first to do it, and Joyce, you, and Jonathan do the same.

“Count Billy in.” You say, raising the other hand as well.

“And Hopper,” Joyce states, giving you an approving stare.

“It's six against seven. We're doing it.” Dustin exclaims.

“No.” You basically shout, not caring one bit if you sound bossy. All eyes lay on you as you struggle to keep it together. “We're not doing it and that's final.”

“I–”

“I just lost a friend and I will not let you do something that might just end up in another funeral.” There are tears threatening to fall again, but you hold them back. “So come up with something else.”

The silence is deafening. You know you're breaking down again, even though the tears aren't rolling down. Yet.

“Please. There's gotta be something else.” Lowering your voice and looking down at your feet, you beg. You can't even think about someone else dying. You couldn't bear it.

“I saw this thing at school. Like a robot with remote control.” Lucas starts. “If we could build a bunch of them and attach a hose, we could guide it inside the tunnels and spread the gasoline.”

“Yeah, but there are seven holes. Which means a lot of ground we'd have to cover.” Eleven adds as you make your way to the group, sitting on the couch beside Joyce.

“Let's blow up six of them.” You burst out, crossing your legs. “A hell of a explosion that would take those things days to dig it back. Then there will be only one way in and out. Find a hell of a long hose or just connect a bunch of them and a million gallons of gas. The robots will spread it then we'll just need a match.”

“That's good. It could work.” Nancy says. “But we'll need to chip in to buy all these things.

“Hopper can get some for free I'm sure.”

“We start right now.” Mike stands up and the others follow. “Let's get started.”

The rest of the day is hectic. Lists are made, one of the kids teachers come over to help with what they called a summer project. For fun. And the materials started arriving. You don't really know what to do, so you help Joyce make lunch, keeping up with her small talk. Joyce is easy to be around, and you like to hear her stories about Will and Jonathan. You even manage to show a few smiles every now and then. After everyone is fed, you finally sit on the porch, trying to help as much as you can. The kids are genius, literally building remote control robots from random pieces and the instructions from books. It's amazing. Since you can't really be of much help in this aspect, you join Nancy, separating stuff or doing anything they tell you too.

When the sun is setting, some of them had to go home to gather their stuff. They'll crash here and take the robot construction through the night. By the moment you hear the faint noise of Billy's car, it's just Joyce's kids, Steve and Dustin. Leaving the small pieces of metal you were shaping into tiny little circles, you stand up abruptly.

“Where are you going? These circles aren't going to make themselves.” Dustin complains, raising his hands in the air.

“Billy is back.” There's no need for further explanation, so you tiptoe among the stuff, careful not to step on anything.

“It could be anyone.”

“Dustin, is there any other car in Hawkins that sounds like that?” As you speak, the noise gets louder and Billy's car comes to your sight.

“She knows her boyfriend's car.” Steve jokes as you walk to the yard, smiling when Billy stops the car and comes out.

“Miss me, princess?”

“Obviously.” It's a feeling of pure relief to see him. It feels like it's been so much longer than just some hours, but you feel that you'll have this insane need to be around him for a while. Just to enjoy the fact that you're still alive. You can't help but wonder for long the idea of death will hover over you... Probably forever.

“You ok?” He asks, his hand on your hair as you have your head on his chest.

“I will be.” Remembering the audience, you pull away, standing on your toes to kiss him. “Dustin had a terrible idea but I made him change his mind about it.”

“How did you do that?”

“I yelled.” With no intention of further explanation, you turn at the guys. “I'll be back tomorrow morning, alright? Have fun doing crazy science.” Waving at them, you get into the car.

You would like to stay at Joyce's, keep helping as much as you can, but you feel like you need silence and peace. The kid's laughter and jokes make you feel better, but you know that you also need to let the sadness creep over for a while. Keeping it hidden, disguised, makes no good. So as you dry and brush your hair, waiting for Billy to finish his shower, you cry.

For Monica, for Jason's younger siblings, his mother, his father, uncle, and aunt. For every friend he made since he was born. And for yourself too. Jason was one of the people that you imagined you'd be around for the rest of your life.

You're dragged away from your thoughts by the phone's ring. Rushing to answer it, you find it's Joyce, kindly asking if you can pick Mike up and drive him to her place, and of course, you comply.

“Billy.” You call when you hear him coming out of the bathroom. “Joyce needs us to pick up Mike. Nancy can't stop what she's doing there.”

“Sure. Let's go.”

Being out at night makes you anxious, but you try not to let it show. Eyes on the road, you bounce your leg nervously, tugging on the seat belt. Billy notices, and a hand comes to rest on your thigh.

“We'll be fine. Relax.”

“I'm trying.” Stretching your arm, you touch his neck. “I'm sorry if I can't stop thinking about Jason and what happened.”

“(Y/N), you just lost a friend. My responsibility as your boyfriend is to hold and love you through this process. Don't apologize.”

“I don't want this to be your responsibility, Billy.” When he turns his head to look at you, you run your fingers through his jaw.

He takes a deep breath, pulling over by Mike's house. You were about to get out, but since he doesn't move, neither do you. Billy looks like he's thinking, furrowed eyebrows and distant eyes. “Billy? Come back to Earth.” You decide to ask, taking off the belt and turning your body towards his.

“To have and to hold. For better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.” He squints his eyes through the words, trying to remember them. It takes a while for you to understand what he means, and when you do, your heart starts drumming in your ears. “To love and cherish till death do us part.”

“Billy...”

“It means I'll stand by your side. Not because I feel like it's my responsibility, but because I love you. And I'm more than happy to take the responsibility of being your–”

“Couldn't you save that up for, I don't know, someday when I'm dressed in white?” The words come out fast, and you're blushing hard, your cheeks burning. “No. You had to do this now. Drive me insane now in your Camaro.” You roll your eyes dramatically when his lips break into a smile, that smug, cocky smile he has when he knows he got to you somehow.

“Be my wife, (Y/N).”

“No.” It's an utter absurd how hard you have to fight not to say the exact opposite. You want to just burst out the word, here and now, because you're so damn sure you want Billy for the rest of your life. “No, baby. We'll graduate, save up money and you'll make a decent proposal.” You hope he can't notice your hands shaking as you step out of the car, almost stumbling on the sidewalk. His words burn through your mind, sending shivers down your spine. “I won't say I'll marry you in the middle of the sidewalk, in the middle of the night, in front of Mike's house.”

“Did I just make you nervous?” Billy's arms come to encircle your waist, his deep voice, and breath on your hair making you sigh.

“Shut up, Hargrove.” With the sweet sound of his laughter on your ear, you knock on the front door, trying to push him away before someone comes to answer. “Let go.”

“Are you using my cologne again?” As soon as he asks, you feel his nose softly rubbing your neck, what makes you giggle and try to push him away again, uselessly. “You are.”

It wasn't your intention to let him find out, but he always does. “Well, it was–”

The door is suddenly open, a yellowish light hitting your eyes as you try to stand up straighter. The woman standing there gives a step back as if she just saw a ghost. Her eyes fly from Billy and back at you, then all the way back to Billy. It hits you suddenly as you realize she's Mrs. Wheeler, the woman Billy was going to meet on the day the Mind Flayer almost got him. They haven't met or spoken since that day, and you weren't expecting her to look so... Perplexed. You try to read her expression, to understand what the look in her eyes means.

“Hello, Mrs. Wheeler.” You manage to say because Billy clearly won't even try to be polite. You feel his muscles tensing up, as he gets immediately uncomfortable under the woman's stare since she doesn't seem to even try to hide. “Sorry to disturb you. We're here for Mike.”

@chloe-skywalker @dpaccione @dreamin-of-dacre @funeral-7 @uncookspaget @youhavemyfantasticbeasts @halloweenbitch2764 @redlovett @multific @shinydixon @nikkixostan @clockworkballerina @nope-thanks

#imagine billy hargrove #billy hargove x reader #billy hargrove fanfiction #billy hargrove x y/n #billy hargrove imagine #billy stranger things #stranger things imagine #imagine stranger things #stranger things fanfiction

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serenityseventeen · 4 years ago

Text

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The Sixth Letter

----------------

To: Lee Jihoon

From: Y/N

I'm sorry.

Jihoon, I will not blame you for anything. If I were in your shoes, I would have been even more irritated than you were. I'm still irritated, actually.

I know for certain that you probably hate me so I will begin this letter for you by reminding us of our good times when no one was there to butt in.

When we first met in tech audio, I was really surprised that you were a musical genius. You knew how to work the garage band app right away and since we sat next to each other, I could already tell that you were familiar with it.

You were also able to play the guitar and the piano. I've always liked music so seeing someone play those two instruments just fascinated me. Not only that, but you also played the clarinet well.

You've probably lived around music all your life, right? I listen to music almost everywhere I go, every day, it's one of my human needs, but I have to admit, even after learning a bit of piano from you, I still have almost no idea about music. Genres of music are still hard to identify for me and I can still barely tell the difference in chords. I'm still thankful that you took the time out of your worktime to help me understand more about music.

Honestly, when I first saw you, Jihoon, I was intimidated. You didn't like exactly friendly and I just stupidly thought that you were one of those ‘perfectionist’ students who only cared for their grades and being the best. Also, just the way you looked when you didn't smile gave me that impression. However, when you smiled, you looked completely different. You looked cute. We laughed a lot together too.

I bet you that on our first assignment, I must've looked like a complete tech idiot. The assignment was just to come up with your original piece of music by messing around on the app. Was my confusion that easy to see through?

I don't know, but I think the moment that you helped me was when I started to realize you as the person you are now. You taught me how to use the app in such a gentle tone, you know that? I still feel like I can listen to your voice forever and I won't get bored of it.

I was happy with our forming friendship. I felt like I could truly be your friend. Plus, we had one other class together so I was able to talk with you a lot about music. Everything you say fascinates me and makes me believe that you are a musical genius. I still believe that you are even if I can't hear your songs anymore.

Speaking of your music, I think you should become a ‘pro’ music producer, lyricist, composer, songwriter, of them all. Your talent in music is truly undeniable!

That first piece you showed me called “17”, I have to say that that song may be my favorite out of all the songs you've sent me. I still have all the music files stored in my phone and I'll never delete them. It's not because I still like you that I'm keeping them but it's because I like the song. I might put them into an mp3 player and stick them on the back of this letter. Out of the 13 songs you've shown me, there was not one that I disliked.

Your voice is also heavenly. I love it. I don't understand why you aren't getting yourself a whole career already! You don't know this but when I was playing your song “Rock”, my father was totally digging it! Even my next-door neighbor wanted to know who was the artist behind “20”!

There was also that time when you were helping me learn how to read music using the piano and our hands kept brushing against each other. Our shoulders were also glued together because the seat was so small. If your heart was racing just as much as how pink your ears turned, then please, believe me, my heart was beating twice as fast.

You didn't just teach me music and show me your creations, you also shared music that you enjoyed. A lot of the songs are still in my playlist. You have great taste in music too, Jihoon. I enjoyed every moment we spent just sitting at the window of the classroom, sharing headphones and listening to the songs you liked.

When they were love songs, I just couldn't help thinking that you chose the song for a reason. I'm quite an overthinker. I always thought that maybe one of the songs you showed me held your heart and maybe they did, but now I'll never know.

I'm your fan, Jihoon, even though you probably wouldn't want me to be anymore. I still admire you and I respect you a lot, that's why I'm deciding to write you this letter. I'm not going to get too close to you, I won't even try to bring us back to what we were because now, it's too awkward between us. I know that deep inside, you must feel so a deep hatred toward me, even if it wasn't entirely my fault.

I've realized what kind of person you are, Jihoon. You're kind, caring, talented in almost everything, shy, and stubborn. You love music. You hate it when someone who isn't close to you gets all up in your business as if they know everything. You also hate narcissists. You're selfless and humble.

I don't know who you told but I'm sorry. Your trust must have been completely broken. I mean, I can just imagine how painful it would be, being an introvert and telling someone your crush while trusting them to keep the secret only to have them spill it to the person's friends.

I hate my friends because they ruined our relationship but since they are my friends, I just can't abandon them as if we didn't spend years being best buddies. I've been distancing myself from them for a while now but I think it won't be long until we continue hanging out again. I want to hang out with you too but you must feel so... angry.

I heard that you're not friends with the guy who leaked the secret that you liked me. I truly hope that you can find a friend that is a true friend. I don't want you to live in fear and keep everything to yourself. I'll always be here for you though, so please, even if I don't speak with you, you can speak to me.

Gosh, what am I saying? It can't be fixed.

You must've overheard it when my friends dragged me away from your cafeteria table and whispered to me, “Did you know? He likes you!”

I was flustered and when I turned back to you, I still remember seeing your hands clench. That's when I sort of knew that we wouldn't be friends anymore.

Even after having your trust broken, you continued to hang out around me, which made me believe that if I confessed my feelings to you when the time was right, we could fall in love. So, I spent a lot of time learning about you.

That's when my friends came in again. They started teasing us in front of the whole class, saying all that stupid cheesy shit. I was ready angry and kept telling them to stop but they wouldn't because they just thought I was like them.

‘When you're in high school, you don't want the person in the relationship, you just want a relationship.’

That was not the case for me but that's what they thought. I wanted you, Jihoon. I was ready to teach you about me and get to know you better so that when I was ready to love, we would be able to stay together.

My friends are stupid.

They continued to pressure us to be together.

Knowing you, you must've gotten extremely annoyed and fed up with it, enough for you to end your friendship with me. And that's exactly what happened, right?

Each day, for a month, they came to our desks singing stupid love songs meant for children. They were so childish and I was growing so sick of it. I knew that you didn't like that shit. I knew that you were just enduring it but I couldn't stop it and I'm sorry.

We went through all that humiliation together. I think we could have had a better love story if your friend didn't leak your secret and my friends didn't act like children. I saw sparks in your eyes, that's why I had hope that we could fall in love together, but we couldn't even get ready to love.

I just remember that day when you ignored me. I was telling you that your piece sounded good and asked if I could get a listen, but you didn't reply to me at all. You still don't talk to me. It makes my heart ache.

When our friendship got ruined, I almost ruined my other friendships too. You don't know this but they kept pestering me, asking if you and I were finally dating and if we had a couple fight. They kept reassuring me as if they knew what we were going through and saying that it was just a small love fight and that we would recover soon. They didn't even know the problem was them so I yelled at them.

In the middle of the cafeteria, I slammed my hands on the table and shouted at them. I'm sure you heard me, you were in the same room. I'm pretty sure that you didn't know about this either but when I left the cafeteria in anger, I cried in the stall of a bathroom.

Now, I'm fine.

I wonder what you thought of me then. I mean, we still had to see each other but we didn't talk to each other like we were strangers. I was angry at you for not understanding me so I didn't want to speak or even glance in your direction, even if it did hurt to ignore you.

I think I know what you feel but all I'm thinking about your emotions are just assumptions in the end. You're a stranger to me now. A stranger that I loved.

You brought me the colors of music.

If only things didn't have to turn out so negatively. If only one friend kept his promise of keeping a secret... If only a group of friends didn't tease so annoyingly... Maybe then, things would be different.

Oh yeah, I'm sorry about this too. I overheard you playing a song the other day. Don't worry, I didn't record it but I cried to it. I just have a feeling that the song was about me. All the lyrics, the depressing but gorgeous sound of the piano, your emotional voice, it all brought tears to my eyes. Were you in pain?

I had never heard the song before. When I cried to it, I had my hands covering my mouth to keep noise from slipping. I don't know if you heard me because you just continued singing.

“Maybe I could have been a man

when everyone was telling me to.

But both choices were selfish,

keep you close or let me go,

so I chose

let's just not fall in love.”

I think your choice was for the better.

Sincerely,

Y/N

------------------

6/21/21 - 11:01 am

a/n: sigh... I feel like this letter was so relatable on so many levels. My former friends were like that, always wanting a relationship but not the person in the relationship. They're too desperate. + ARTHUR KYEOM COMEBACK!??!? SVT CHINESE DRAMA OST!?!?

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redux-iterum · 3 years ago

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Bluestar is both infuriating and fascinating to me because she's so mediocre and forgettable as a person. She has no outstanding qualities that come to mind; she's often shown to be petty and selfish and puts down the happiness of others in order for them to sympathise with her own misfortunes. Literally the only reason she's labeled as special is because "StarClan said so" (which, funnily enough, is also why Tigerclaw seems to be a villain at all; this also applies to Thistleclaw to an extent, at least before 'Spottedleaf's Heart' got released, anyway). She has more of a reason to turn into a villain than Thistleclaw or Tigerclaw ever did, and I wholeheartedly believe that she would have made a very interesting one. Her story would work a lot better if one went the route of "StarClan is corrupted by power and is extremely controlling in the name of a very black-and-white interpretation of goodness and keeping the peace."

At the same time though I can't bring myself to fully hate her because she's got a very human and relatable (in my opinion, anyway) reaction to tragedy, albeit one that has very negative consequences for her followers. I know you won't agree with me because Warriors is a plot-driven series and you steadfastly keep to that, but it's a little something that stops me from totally hating her guts.

(I definitely still don't like her that much though; she's just a notch above Greystripe in terms of digestibility).

Haven't much to say to this, since you hit it on the head! I think her being a villain could have been very interesting myself.

#lepoppeta #ask #i speak #bluestar

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waynewifey · 4 years ago

Text

Fading away. —

Pairing: Jason Grace x Roman!DaughterofPluto!Reader

Sumary: after moths of over working, a colapse makes you get into a coma and reflect on your feelings.

Warnings: coma, angst, Pluto as a caring dad, fluff at the end.

Words: +-3k.

A/N: This is my first Percy Jackson Franchise fanfiction, so take it easy on me. This is also my biggest and favourite one. I hope you like this! My requests are always open.

(Y/N) (L/N) had a good reason to hate Jason Grace. How could she not? Jason was so annoying, self centred, selfish, stubborn and worse of all? He dated Piper McLean. Piper was great, (Y/N) knew that and they seemed happy together. But, still, he chose Piper, not (Y/N), his girlfriend back at Camp Jupiter, who he totally forgot about. How come Percy remembered Annabeth but Jason wouldn't remember (Y/N)? And when he recovered his memory, he chose Piper. But she also loved him still, and seeing him hurt like a bullet going straight through her heart. She decided to spend a year at Half-Blood Camp to stay with her half-brother Nico Di Angelo when Gaea were defeated. She thought she could manage to see him almost every day, but she couldn't. So she started doing anything to get her mind occupied. Going on meaningless quests, travelling to New York randomly, volunteering for literally any service in the camp and barely sleeping — because sleeping meant dreams.

"It doesn't have to be like that, (Y/N)." Her brother gave her another shot of Nectar. The sunlight that entered Hades' cabin was leaving slowly as they talked, (Y/N) leaned on her bed watching her fingertips become solid again.

"I'll learn how to do it right and I promise I won't push myself too much, but I can't stop practicing." She avoided eye contact with Nico, feeling ashamed of herself. After all, she was supposed to be the one taking care of him, since she was older. She came back from a "quest" for her father, that was staying a weekend on the Underworld. She started using Shadow Travel to get there. The problem? She had no idea how hard it was, and she almost died every time. He sighted.

"I'm not talking about Shadow Travel. You should talk to Jason and sort this out. You're almost killing yourself everyday doing the craziest stuff just to keep your mind off him. He already broke up with Piper, what's stopping you now? I'm your brother and it pains me to see you suffering, I won't just sit and watch while you literally desapear." He got up and walked to the door. The (h/c) girl forced a smile so he believed she was fine. Nico left the cabin.

After hours reflecting and thinking, she heard the trumpets that announced the convocation to a game of Capture the Flag. Since she was feeling better, she changed her clothes and walked outside. The teams were: cabins 1, 4, 5, 9, 12, 14, 18, 21, 23, 27, 28, 29 vs. cabins 2, 6, 7, 10, 11, 13, 15, 16, 20, 24, 25, 26. They started the game. (Y/N) had to protect the boundary with a kid from Hipnos' cabin while a group attacked the opponent's flag and another protected their territory and their flag. Everything was going as planned, she hadn't seen anyone yet. Out of the sudden, she saw a blond guy running in their direction with a sword. Oh hell no, Jason Grace wouldn't attack her like that. But he did.

"What the hell?!" She screamed, reacting to the blade flying in her direction. Her teammate was asleep. She defended herself with her own sword and counterattacked. He invested against her leg, trying to make her fall. Her instincts took place, she jumped, attacked again and they started a meaningless battle. Jason looked the same as always. He was almost the same Jason that used to take her on cute dates in New Rome. But he fought like a greek. And that was when it hit her, he changed. The mixture of love and hate made her loose her senses for a bit, giving Jason the lead. He focused on her leg but hesitated to hit it, giving her time to get back on the fight. She knocked him to the floor, her foot on his chest and her blade on his neck, when she heard footsteps approaching quickly. Of course. It was a trap. She turned around and saw a son of Hebe holding her team's flag running, followed by two daughters of Hephaestus. She grabbed a knife from her belt and threw it to his leg, hitting exactly where she wanted. She then grabbed Jason's blade and Shadow Travelled. For a moment everything was fine, while she drowned into darkness, but then she couldn't get out. She saw her father's face mixed in the dark. He raised his hand and touched her face, than she was back at the forest. Realising not even a second had gone through, she attacked the — injured — boy and the two gigantic girls at the same time. She wasn't really expecting to defeat them, just trying to win some time so, hopefully, someone would come help her. The boy dropped the flag and got a small sword. The two girls had hammers... oh. The three of them attacked at the same time and she protected herself with Jason's sword, which flew away. She was out of hopes when a figure appeared beside her and started fighting them.

"What are you doing here?! You're not supposed to help me, we're enemies, remember?" She said, fighting Hebe's son.

"I guess you're welcome then." Jason replied smiling, fighting the hammers-girls. (Y/N) sighted in annoyance. Seconds later, her teammates came running from the enemies' territory with a flag and the three-people group surrendered. Everyone started screaming and celebrating. (Y/N)'s head hurt with the noise and she looked to her brother, feeling numb.

"Hey, can we talk?" Jason said, getting in front of her with a big smile. He was proud of himself for helping her? Of course he was. He was going to take all the credit for her team's win. The anger rose inside of her burning everything. She furrowed her eyebrows and with the last energy that remained in her body, she tried to Shadow Travel for the perhaps hundredth time that day.

She fell into the darkness while feeling her body desapear quickly. Her heart was very accelerated but then it stopped. She saw herself at the barks of Lete's river. I'm dead., she thought. The desperation started taking over. She remembered the face of all her friends. Her siblings, Hazel and Nico. Her mother. Her best friend Reyna. Camp Jupiter. New Rome. The Lar Vitellius. Lares? Lares! Maybe she could go back as a ghost! She would at least see her friends again.

"Didn't expect to see you this soon." A voice said with humor. She turned around, as always enlighten by her father's presence. But his face was sad. Not the everyday-sad-Pluto, but the my-daughter-just-died-sad-Pluto.

"Am I d-... dead?" The anxiety forbid her from crying in front of her father. The one she never knew and once she did, she didn't want to disappoint him.

"Yes and no. You see, my darling, there are things more powerful then death. Right now, your physical being is exhausted from travelling through darkness and light — which I told you not to, but we'll talk about this later, you have a decision to make. You're body is surrendering to Death out of hopelessness. But your soul, on the other hand, still fights for the heart beating in your chest. And your conscious, the controller of both body and soul, has to decide which one of them you'll support right now. As Lord of the Death that's all I can say to you. But as your father, I would like to say that we have a room for you in the castle, if you'd like that. And also, I feel obligated to show you what is happening on Earth." When he finished his words, an image formed in the air, sort of an Iris message, but no one saw them. (Y/N) saw herself laying on the grass, surrounded by some campers, Nico and Jason.

She was watching them from above. Jason put two fingers on her neck, trying to feel her pulse. She — the one in the Underworld — gasped as the blond boy whispered 'nothing'. She glanced at her father, who had a pained expression as he stared at Nico freaking out. Her brother had his hands on her chest and was murmuring something in greek. Then, he opened his eyes, filled with tears of desperation, and glanced at Jason, who didn't look any better. She wanted to scream and go back to up there, but her voice wouldn't come out of her throat.

"Half of her is already gone." Nico struggled to say. Everyone around gasped. "I can't Shadow Travel with her, it- it would k-kill the other half..."

"Let's take her to the Infirmary. Everything's gonna be fine. She'll be okay." Will Solace had appeared in the crowd and kneed down to take (Y/N) in the arms, being helped by the other two. As they walked, (Y/N) held herself in her arms, sobbing. She didn't want to die, not like that. The image faded away and Pluto hugged her. He never did that before. She left out all her emotions through the cry. Her father caressed her back and gently kissed the top of her head.

"Now you see, my child, what those on Earth are going through. You have a family up there. And if you'd ask me, Jason Grace is a good person, even being a son of my brother. You have a choice, so make it wisely." Pluto said, not backing away from the hug. She nodded and he immediately knew what her choice was. "You know I'd love to have you here with me, but I'd love even more to see you happy. Don't be reckless. And listen to your brother. You don't have to worry to come see me, I'll make sure to visit you during your recovery." As he said that, a white door appeared out of nowhere. "Here's your carpool." The girl started to walk to the door, when she heard Pluto say: "(Y/N) I lo-... Good luck." She smiled to him and went through into the door. It felt like eons in the nothingness. She felt so much pain all over her body. Then she gained conscience. She didn't knew how long it had passed. She also couldn't open her eyes or say anything, but she knew she was laying down something comfortable, a bed, perhaps. But she could hear perfectly well.

"... and I'm so sorry you had to die for me to gain the courage to say this. Please come back to us... Come back to me. Nico barely leaves this room and nor do I, Will had to force him to go eat. It's not the same without you, (Y/N/N), it really isn't." Jason's words gave her the urge to cry, but she couldn't. It was like her body had shutdown completely. She felt his warm hands on her cold ones and after that, a door was opened. Footsteps. Only one person. Jason didn't move. Someone sat down next to them.

"Dad- I mean, Hades said she will be okay." It was Nico's voice. He sounded extremely tired.

"Didn't he say that last month?" Grace was annoyed, but he didn't stop holding her hand.

"I know, I wish I could do more... I'm... I'm sorry Jason." The blond sighted.

"I should be the one to be saying that. I know there's nothing else to do. I'm sorry for putting the blame on you. It's just- if we've talked before, nothing of this would have happened. If only I was brave enough..." (Y/N) felt weak and her consciousness was back at nothing again. When she heard something again, it looked like a lot of time had passed by, but she wasn't sure at all. Jason's voice was happy as he told her his plans to the future.

"I realised you would like to work with me training the legion. You're obviously skilled and the payment is quite good. And I've heard they are planning to build a village here as well, but I don't know if you-..." Every time she tried to stay conscious, she felt weaker. 'Rest', her father's voice said inside of her head, so she let herself.

Some time...? A long time...? She didn't knew. But the next time she heard, she was way stronger. She waited until then, so she could stay longer and try to understand her emotions. She heard almost an entire day. Her friends entered and left cabin 13 — she found out that she was there. Some of them talked "to" her, some just sat there in silence. When alone, Nico talked a lot about Will Solace. (Y/N) smiled mentally. Then Jason entered. She could already recognise the sound he made walking. He sat beside her bed and held her hand, as usual.

"Hello, princess. You look better." She reunited all the strength she had storage and sent it all to her right hand. She softly squeezed Jason's hand, for a small portion of second, trying to say 'hi'. She felt exhausted. He gasped.

"She just squeezed my hand!" He screamed, laughing. Nico jumped out of his bed, laughing as well. They both stared at her, waiting for more. "You're there, right? I knew you were! It's been long months, but you're getting better. Don't work too hard. We'll see each other soon, don't worry." He kissed her forehead. After that, it was easy for her to let go and dive into her sleep again.

She was slowly getting better. She noticed her comas were smaller now, and she got stronger every time. She started communicating by squeezing people's hand. One time for 'yes' and two times for 'no'. But it still was exhausting. She met with her father a couple times through dreams, but it never lasted long. She was sick of it. She wanted to jump out of the bed and run through all the camp. She was alone with Jason, as he talked about the last time he went to Camp Jupiter, telling every change. She slowly forced herself to open her eyes. It wasn't for too long, just enough for her to see the big smile he had while talking, her favourite blond hair and how he gesticulated while speaking. By that time, her feelings were completely lined. She declined her childishness and stubbornness to accept the fact that she obviously loved him. Her lips were able to form a small smile. He hadn't noticed her yet. I can do this, she thought.

"J." She whispered for the first time in five months. Her eyes were already closed again. He gasped.

"Did you just say J? That's me! I'm here, i'm right here, love. Can you hear me?" She squeezed his hand one time. Yes. He chortled. "You're so strong. I miss you so much." He started softly crying. She squeezed his hand two times. No. Don't cry, she wanted to say. "Alright, 's fine, 's fine. Gods, you're coming back. I bet Aphrodite is watching us closely." He chuckled but suddenly stopped. "I forgot we haven't talked about that yet, i'm sorry. I don't wanna be intrusive, you know. It's just, by what Nico has told me, well, you still liked me." She squeezed two times. "That's... that's great, love. But don't worry about that just yet. You should take some rest now, my love."

Five days. She had woken up every single one of them, but only listening. No squeezes, no talking, no looking. Just storing strength. She knew she was close to fully waking up. She was already able to keep track of the days. It was a Sunday, the day she received the most visits. It should be morning, because she only heard Nico's snorting. She slowly opened her eyes. The same place. Different clothes. She wondered who had changed them. Perhaps Will did. She systematically moved her arms, pushing herself to sit. Her back was laying at wall. She took a deep breath. It was going fine. She wanted to wake Nico up, but she decided to wait to see if she would be able to actually stay awake. About an hour later, Nico woke up by himself. He yawned and turned to her bed. She looked at him with a big smile. He jumped out of bed.

"Holy shit, (Y/N)! You're up! How- Wait! I need to- Wait! Don't fall asleep, I'll be right back!" She blinked slowly to sign 'ok'. He was back moments running later with a bunch of teenagers in pyjamas. They all froze at the door, staring at her. Hazel, Frank, Annabeth, Percy, Jason and even Piper. Hazel was the first one to wake up from the trance. She ran to her sister and hugged (Y/N).

"Ouch." She managed to say, reacting to the tight hug that made her head hurt.

"Right, sorry! I forgot. Wait, you speak!" Hazel answered and laughed. All of the others joined in, amazed by her friend, and started talking, telling everything she had missed. (Y/N) couldn't speed properly, only a few words like 'hi', 'ow', 'miss' and 'food'. Later that day, Will came to check on her. He said everything looked just fine, but that she should rest.

"Hey." Zeus' son said, once they were alone.

"Hi."

"Gods, it's so good to finally hear you again. I've talked to myself for a long time." They giggled softly. (Y/N) wasn't showing any signs of it, but that day had been extremely tiring. Her entire body hurt but she couldn't give up just yet.

"I... heard." She whispered. "A bit." Her eyes tried to close but she opened them wide, fighting her own nature. Jason noticed that.

"Hey, no need to over do it.” He brushed her cheek with his thumb.

"Sleep... here." She begged, placing her hand beside her. He froze for a moment, embarrassed. And then, with a rubor across his face, he sat on the bed beside her. She laid her head on his chest and quickly fell asleep.

“Go to sleep, love. We have all the time in the world.”

#percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #fluff imagine #percy jackson imagines #percy jackson fanfiction #jason grace #jason grace x reader #jasonissocutehelp #nico di angelo #nico di angelo x reader #daughter of hades #pls send requests

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bellamyblake · 4 years ago

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They won't be getting Bellamy again :(

yes, i know. frankly, not surprised. i think one of the things like big problems of this show is that characters rarely talk.

there’s a difference between developing a plot and developing the characters alongisde with it. if you wanna do it, you gotta give some dialogue there, make them understand each other’s stances,talk it out, have or not have angst, provoke emotions.

that’s one reason why the girl’s relationships never worked either.

like you have all these powerful women-clarke, raven, octavia but think about it? when had they talked between each other? when had they discussed something fully? when had they bonded?

they haven’t.

the 100 prides itself in showing strong females and whilst yes that’s true, they are strong, but they are strong on their own. there’s no female friendship. there’s no talking there (I exclude diyoza/o and hope here cause that worked well because of guess what? mutual/similar history and going on a journey together) but otherwise all they’ve done is make them accuse each other of things, usually r/aven is the one to jump on the judgement bandwagon and that is not anything new, it’s been happening since season 2.

many of the things don’t work because of that-no talking. no developing anything between the characters. making the main character go from one thing to the other without letting her PROCESS anything in a normal way instead just piling shit on her.

strong females are strong not just because they keep marching on but also because they break (and yes clarke has done that) but also because they form other STRONG connections. clarke has no family but madi. let’s go back a season ago to where r/aven and m/urphy were accusing her of doing all these horrible things and hating her and bellamy being the only one who was willing to offer kindness and understanding despite it all.

so here, once again, not surprised that they won’t get him. i knew they wouldn’t

it has happened before in season 3. they didn’t get why he sided with pike at all, because they did NOT ask why he is DOING what he is doing. why does he think that’s the right way to go? why does he believe this is the answer. they just judged.

and hated on him. and punished him about it for another season.

now the same thing is happening. he’s back-they thought he was dead and yes he betrayed him but someone and for me that someone should be either clarke or his sister

should

fucking ask

like Bellamy what happened to you? What made you change your mind and believe him? tell us where you’ve been, why you looked the way you looked-a simple WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED is enough.

and then when he gives his stance they can say what THEY know, like Gabriel could intervene as well and tell him cadogan only wants to build an army so he can reach his selfish believes and he has admitted so and we can see the seed of doubt enter bellamy and echo and o can tell him how they brainwash people but nope.

and he can tell them himself what he went through that he saw his mom and it was real and he saw light and peace and he saw a different view on everything and how he realizes they do not have to kill people to protect themselves, that they should not destroy to build.

so im not surprised they don’t understand him.

just as again, repeating myself, but back in season 3 they did not get him and he did NOT get why clarke joined the grounders.

thinking logically about it, cadogan maybe horrible with the brainwashing thing but he does not want to kill people. he is nuts, yes, that’s true and he is a stupid man who wants to get somewhere and does not want to listen to a woman (becca) when she tells him that the place he wants to reach should NOT be reached under no cirucmstances.

he’s just a dumbass male. who’s like-i’ll conquer this and you shall not stop me.

but he does not want death. i think at his core much like jaha he wanted to save people that’s why he created the bunker in the first place but also he is so selfish, he wants to have this knowledge do these things FOR himself and to get there he builds an army and brainwashes people.

another false god.

but what callie his daughter did and what the grounders became is no better for me either (though we don’t know the whole story) and while what is happening now to bellamy may seem odd and confusing to clarke and co it is in fact very similar to what SHE did in season 3.

she followed a cult that worshiped one single person who has an AI in their head and who follows a mantra-i kill people cuz blood must have blood. so she if you think about it, joined a cult herself it just looks better and different cause it’s *all for my people* mentality that I believe Bellamy follows himself still-deep down he wants Them and everyone else to be happy and to transcend

just like l/exa wanted the unify the clans including the arkers so it is ALL people unitied and HAPPY and living in PEACE

wow, sounds familiar?

the only difference between these two is literally if you look at it old testament/new testament

where grounders are an eye for an eye and cadogan is-there is love and peace for us all and we shall love our brothers equally even if they are our enemies. turn a cheek, be better, do not kill.

callie started this kind of violent tradition of people killing each other until one remains and that one is a leader.

and cadogan remained a leader and brainwashed people into peace to get to HIS goal.

both of them think they’re freeing people and neither of them are.

but yeah anyway, long story short, totally not surprised. i’ve been here a long time lol

#answered #the 100 #the 100 meta #bellamy blake #bellamy blake meta #i guess?#idk #i'll go write some single dad fic #gus is sad and adorable rn #Anonymous

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valkerymillenia · 5 years ago

Text

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 7

More thoughts and live blogged reactions.

1982. I'm assuming Five used a briefcase... But in s1 we saw that the briefcase travels are tracked (Hazel and Cha-Cha got reprimanded for Klaus's Vietnam trip) so I'm not sure how the board doesn't know someone is coming... I might be overthinking.

Five being creepy.

Is that a Fudge Nutter like Handler mentioned in season 1? Oh, it is.

Jesus, Five! Anger management for you, old man.

AAHH! THEY LET FIVE SAY FUCK! Fucking finally! 🤣

How did nobody notice that destruction? 😆

Oh, the axe! Is Five going to go all American psycho? Because I'd love to see that.

HOLY SHIT!

That smile!

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

Is he using tiny time travel bursts like Reggie said? Or a briefcase? Or is he just that fast?

AJ hiding under the table 😆

Pausing to drink water and grin, what a psycho, I love him.

He's definitely using time jumps but they are so controlled that I'm guessing briefcase or Handler little time stopping trick. I'm so proud of my mass murder baby.

... Vending machine? Lady, you have interesting priorities.

CRICKET BAT!

Wait! AJ's human body feels pain? How?

Please make Five swallow the fish like in the comics! Please, please, please, please.

The dancers are just like

I LOVE FIVE! The lengths this little killer will go for his family are unbelievable, nobody should ever doubt his love and devotion for them ever again.

This whole murder scene was incredible and Five's obvious glee made it even better. FEAR HIM!

Jesus, Klaus is so afraid of being possessed that he's afraid to sleep and Ben just mocks him? 😘💋 I get that this is supposed to be a funny 'brothers messing with each other' kind of thing but Klaus feels so unsafe that it makes me uncomfortable. What happened to you, Ben, when did you become so dark? You were the nice one!

Ben just getting closer and closer every time Klaus closes his eyes just gave me Doctor Who flashbacks.

"I hate your face" "I hate all of you" - Don't say that boys! You know you love each other.

Ok, Ben has a point. I'm actually liking this conversation. And I'm liking that Klaus is starting to understand his brother.

Ok, this is such a brother conversation. And Klaus constantly pretending not to know who Jill is 😆

Ground rules... Well, at least it's consensual now. That's something. See? Communication works.

Damn, the tension at the lunch table cut be cut with a knife. I'm scared what Carl is going to do.

Ray and Allison have a lovely relationship but I finally identified the problem, the tension I was feeling between since them a few eps back. It's not about Allison's secrets at all, is about Ray being so obsessed with his crusade that he completely overlooks Allison's feelings, he only pays attention to her when they are on the page about the mission. He sees her powers and his first thought is 'we could use this for the cause', Allison is clearly distressed and sad and even says she doesn't feel well and all he can think about is the damn JFK meeting. He's not a bad person and he's not doing it on purpose but he has a workaholic one-track mind that could easy turn into neglect for Allison. He clearly loves her and I'm rooting for them so much but I know that if asked to choose between Allison and his cause, he'll pick his cause.

So Five is done with the killing. I figured this might weigh on his conscience, it's one thing to kill for a greater good or survival, coldly and detached, it's another thing to slaughter for selfish reasons (even if his selfish reasons are a greater good).

Handler going all mom on him and wiping his face. 😆

"What I did today, I did for my family" -we know, baby, and they better respect you for it. You love then so much.

90 minutes??? Wtf, I knew Handler would try to screw Five over but that's just cruel, she's forcing him to uproot the family without even giving them time to say goodbye and that's even IF he can get to all of them on time.

It's not a name, you idiots. Also, that's Olga, not öga.

Don't harass the poor woman... Oh God, you guys are such morons... Diego, you dramatic little bitch...

"Wrong number. Have a lovely day" 🤣🤣🤣

I love the new dumbass buddy cop dynamic between Diego and Luther. This is the sort of positive brotherly dynamic they always should have had instead of being pitted against each other all their lives.

"you have some blood on you" "a lot of blood, actually. Five, what did you do?" -the casual, mildly annoyed way they ask is hilarious, if they knew what he did they'd be horrified (and possibly impressed).

Handler's militaristic chic dress is fabulous. I personally don't like it very much (or the message it sends) but it's haute couture and incredibly designed. Also, the bleached hair is back!

"any questions?" And then she leaves without listening. Power move 😏

Luther trying to comfort Diego like the dork he is. 🤣

Really though, I feel bad for Diego, and Five is under so much pressure that I don't blame him for snapping.

"I'm shy" -are you, Klaus? Are you really? You keep walking around in underwear in front of dozens of people, you're not shy.

So is Klaus lactose intolerant?

Ok, so far the possession thing is not as bad as some people were claiming. So far.

"stay focused" *giggle* -oh Ben, you dork 😆

Ahah, Ben enjoying all the different sensory stimuli. Adorable. He's just so happy, poor boy.

Dirt angels. SO CUTE ❤️

I know this all supposed to be cute and all but it would also be a perfect moment for Ben for experience Klaus's powers (the constant hauntings) as well as his addiction and the claustrophobic expectations of the cult. It would be an excellent chance to make Ben understand why Klaus is the way he is, seeing as Klaus is making a huge effort (and sacrifice) to do the same for Ben. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening because I think they want to keep this part about Ben.

By end of season 1 Klaus cried that people still didn't take him seriously, his compassion despite all his suffering made him likeable and deep, but this season he's back to being the family joke, I don't like that there's no resolution to that. But let's see where this goes, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Oh God, Carl's talk is freaking me out.

"who I am is not a disease" -very powerful LGBT+ statement considering it's the 60s!!!!

Oh, the blackmail...

Everybody keeps expecting Vanya to explode every time she gets emotional but this scene proves how much control she truly has. Respect!

Oh, finally Claire is mentioned! I've been rather upset that Allison hasn't mentioned her daughter even once this season (does Ray even know he has a stepdaughter?) seeing as most of her arc in season 1 revolved around her love and guilt over Claire.

Luther is right when he says they don't get live formal lives because they are special but Allison is even more right when she says that's not fair. This is why this family needs to stick together and love each other, they are the only ones that can really understand each other's struggles.

"hope" -Luther, you really are such a sweet summer child.

OH! I CAN FINALLY SEE ALLISON'S SCAR! The lighting in this scene makes it really obvious. Finally.

Ben and the strawberry. 🤣

"you're different today. You're dorkier" ah! First time anyone called Ben 'Sassy' Hargreeves dorky.

Oh Ben, you're adorable... Wait, "smell your hair"? What the fuck, Ben? You weirdo.

Holy crap! Jill is really forward, isn't she? Hippies, man.

Ben stuttering! 😆🤣 He died a virgin, didn't he?

It's funny but please tell me he isn't actually considering that in his brother's body...

Wait, did Klaus slap him because he doesn't want to have sex or because he's trying to stop Ben from ruining his own chance by saying too much?

Actually, I'm almost sure it's the second one, Klaus is playing wingman on his own body!

WHAT????

Ok so Ben IS a virgin but "you, me and Keechie"? What the fuck, Klaus? You slept with the fanatical crybaby and your brother's crush????

"Klaus, you're so filthy!" "Yes, you are, daddy." -Ben, this girl is not right for you. Run, boy!

AHAHAHAH ASDFGDDGGHSGSGASFHDBKDIS 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 DIEGO CALLING HIM DADDY!

Wait, AJ can speak without the body/suit/whatever?

Handler is going a little bit fascist dictator, isn't she?

Gotta admit, Handler really is such a mom in her own twisted way.

Ben giggling when he talks to Diego. Cute.

"Luther sniffs Dad's underwear" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

AWWWWWWWW, BEN AND DIEGO! THE CHILDHOOD HIJINKS! THE HUG!

GOD, THE HUG! ❤️

I need all the siblings hugging Ben now!

"you stay in this body, we need someone responsible behind the wheel" -Diego, I understand what you mean given the situation, but you playing obvious favorites between your brothers when free will and body autonomy are on the line is a little creepy.

"no one is insignificant" -that line is so loaded when used on Vanya.

Oh no, Vanya and Five playing the blame game is so bad... They used to be so close... They are both under so much pressure, this won't end well.

Oh boy, Five looks like he's on the verge of crying and Vanya sees that! I bet that's why she backed down. 😲😢

The Lila and Diego conversation is heartbreaking without even trying...

Is that Elliot? Is Diego burying Elliot because nobody else will? Diego really does have a heart of gold.

Don't drinkit! I'm pretty sure Lila is drugging you.

Yup, there it is.

What is she planning?

Once again, it's all about the movement with Ray.

"I would take my one year with you over a lifetime with anybody else." 😭 Oh Ray ❤️

But I get the feeling this won't end so easily.

There it is, the Swedes just arrived. And the smart assholes went right for Allison's throat.

You don't need the coffee can, Sissy. The Hargreeves are loaded.

Sissy, hurry up.

BEN, YOU ARE SUCH A 90s KID!!! So the Backstreet Boys are Ben's fault, God, I love this dork 🤣

Come on, Allison, you can fight better than this!

Good girl!

Klaus and Ben running and fighting each other at the same time 😆

Holy shit, that is some Exorcist level vomiting!

Poor Klaus, I totally get Ben's side in this (pretty sure he was trying to save Klaus by getting him to Five ASAP) but this whole thing made me mildly uncomfortable. Klaus just keeps sacrificing for everyone and nobody respects his boundaries.

Holy shit, Allison! That is so cruel! I like it though, so ruthless and vicious. 😈

Problem- Allison can't just leave Ray with a white corpse in the house. Especially not in Texas, death penalty and all.

Oh Sissy, you dumbass. You're a sweetheart but also a dumbass.

Ok, Lila is pretty insane. That's for sure.

Five:

"I don't want to hurt you" - well, Vanya warned them.

My baby is getting really good with her powers.

I hope that hit to the head doesn't give Vanya her memory back, that's so cliché and convenient, or would be really bad writing.

SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN. I'm dying to see more!!!!!!

#tua #tua s2 #tua s2 spoilers

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years ago

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Chloé & James

Chloé: So Chloé: Where did you meet Emma? James: I have no idea who that is Chloé: Don't insult my intelligence James: I'm not Chloé: Then tell me where you met her James: why? James: what actual difference does it make Chloé: Of course it makes a difference Chloé: She isn't from 'round here, she has no mutual friends James: what you mean is, you don't know her Chloé: Exactly Chloé: so tell me Chloé: how the hell do you James: online, okay? Chloé: Perhaps a new level of tragic Chloé: So you hooked up Chloé: tell her to stop sending you stuff now James: I'm sure you already have Chloé: She's not responding James: maybe she's planning to ghost me first Chloé: This isn't funny, James Chloé: You at least had the decency to pretend to feel guilty before James: you had the decency to pretend to love our children before James: or at least one of them Chloé: You were testing me that night Chloé: that's hardly relevant to your promiscuity James: isn't it? James: I'm unhappy, Chloé, you make me unhappy Chloé: I'm not cheating on you with some bitch called Emma Chloé: I'm unhappy, I have right to be! James: because you don't like girls, not out of any loyalty to me Chloé: Ugh! Chloé: Stop it and stop it James: no Chloé: I swear to GOD James: I said no Chloé: It's not a request Chloé: you have to James: & you're going to follow through with that threat how? James: you're yet to stop me cheating Chloé: I could post these pictures James: if you want all your friends to know the ins & outs of our relationship, we can just have them over Chloé: You can't just Chloé: do whatever you want James: I know I can't & I'm not Chloé: What do you call this then? James: I'm still here Chloé: You have nowhere else to be Chloé: We have nowhere else James: how can you not care that I'd rather be anywhere else? James: with anyone else Chloé: I'm telling you to stop Chloé: How is that not caring James: because of your actual motivations James: it's never for the right reason Chloé: If you're doing this to make me fight for you or something Chloé: you need to get a grip James: that's the last thing I want James: how many times, let me go Chloé: Where, James? Chloé: Where do you think you're going James: I'd honestly rather live with my sister than you Chloé: Grow up Chloé: You have kids Chloé: they aren't going anywhere James: you go then Chloé: Oh I wish I could James: I'm not stopping you, the girls are fine here with me Chloé: Because I can just go without my kids Chloé: what would people say James: that you've finally done the right thing? Chloé: No everyone would call me selfish and a bad mother because I can't do anything without them attached to me James: & yet you never take them anywhere, so by that logic surely it's already being said Chloé: It isn't the same Chloé: I can't just leave James: you're saying that I should grow up but you won't do a single thing that's genuinely right by them James: this isn't going to last forever, you know Chloé: I look after them day after day Chloé: how is that not right James: that's me or your mother Chloé: you're just like her Chloé: always trying to make me feel bad about myself James: because you do bad things Chloé! Chloé: You act like I lock them in cupboards James: if you're not going to own up to what you've actually done, we have nothing really to say to each other Chloé: No this is a conversation about what you've done Chloé: stop trying to turn it on me James: okay, let's talk about me James: what exactly do you think is going to happen if I 'grow up' & fall for one of the girls I hook up with? Chloé: I've told you Chloé: you'll never see those kids again Chloé: if you make me look like an idiot James: you keep saying it like you can just make it happen Chloé: I could James: no, they're my daughters too Chloé: Are they James: yes James: you repeat that bullshit all you want, but my name is on their birth certificates, both of them Chloé: Why can't you just Chloé: this is our lives Chloé: you need to deal with it Chloé: you've got no other plan, no other options James: it's not the life I want for myself or for them Chloé: Well life isn't fair Chloé: you'll need to accept that if you have any hope of teaching them James: I'm not teaching them to accept misery James: for god's sake! Chloé: You live in a dream world James: you do if you think I'm staying here or letting them Chloé: What right do you to take them from me? James: what right do you have to threaten it when you don't even want them? Chloé: Because I have them Chloé: they aren't going to disappear and I don't get a clean slate James: I'm going to file for divorce, this has to end Chloé: No Chloé: no Chloé: I won't sign it or Chloé: whatever it is, I won't James: then don't, it won't just disappear either Chloé: You can't do this James: I have to, because I can't live like this Chloé: Jay isn't yours Chloé: I really mean it James: stop lying to me Chloé: I'm not! James: you can't say she's not mine every time you don't want her to be Chloé: Why would I just say her Chloé: I mean it, you do this and you will regret it James: because you know you can Chloé: don't believe me Chloé: it's your funeral James: prove me wrong, if you're so sure she's not mine Chloé: How? James: I'll spit into a tube or swab my cheek or however you wanna do it Chloé: If you think I'm going to let you divorce me Chloé: take my kids Chloé: and tell everyone I'm some kind of slut Chloé: no Chloé: this isn't happening Chloé: I'm not moving back in with my parents Chloé: I'm not sharing custody with you and ferrying them back and forth Chloé: this isn't the life I'm going to have James: take the flat, I'll talk to my dad, I don't fucking want it Chloé: You don't get to leave me! James: you don't get to stop me, not any more Chloé: No, I'll leave you Chloé: and I'll tell everyone you were abusive Chloé: I'm not being left James: I said, go then Chloé: James, I'm being serious James: you think I'm not? Chloé: I could ruin you James: how? Chloé: Like I said, I could say you were abusive Chloé: anything James: you've got no evidence, what are you going to try & do, punch yourself in the face? Chloé: I'll tell you, about Jay Chloé: then what will you do? Chloé: you can't leave her with me but you'll have to James: stop it, Chloé James: I'll leave with both of them Chloé: I could kill myself James: don't say that Chloé: Then stay James: I can't Chloé: What am I going to do Chloé: Have you even thought about me James: you're going to be their mother James: we can work out a custody agreement Chloé: I don't want to James: well, there are no other options Chloé: where do you think you're going to go Chloé: you have to have a place James: tonight, we'll go to my parents James: if you want the flat then I'll get another Chloé: this is ridiculous Chloé: I'm sick of talking about this James: so call me when you do want to talk James: I just said where we'll be Chloé: No Chloé: I won't let you leave James: call the police if you want Chloé: You really want that? James: of course not Chloé: I can't do this James: please just talk to me James: we can make a plan Chloé: No, we can't Chloé: I don't want them Chloé: you said it yourself Chloé: I'm not raising them even half of the week alone Chloé: I won't James: you only have to see them when you want, if you don't want to I won't force you Chloé: I don't know where I'm going to go Chloé: what I'm going to do James: I don't know what I'm doing either, but I know what I'm not going to do & that's this Chloé: I'm calling my parents Chloé: I'll make them talk to yours Chloé: make you come back James: Chloé James: we're not 16 Chloé: This isn't fair James: you're the one who said life isn't James: you're upset, call your parents if you like, but it won't make me come back Chloé: You were meant to look after me Chloé: and you haven't James: I know I've let you down & I'm sorry Chloé: No you're not Chloé: you wouldn't do it if you were James: I don't want things to be like this James: I'm sorry that they are Chloé: Then fix it James: that's what I'm trying to do Chloé: For yourself Chloé: not me James: this will be better for you too Chloé: Ha Chloé: My life is totally over James: Oh come on James: you've said repeatedly how unhappy you are & how none of this is what you want Chloé: I don't want you to leave me Chloé: I'm going to look so Chloé: I can't even think about it James: fuck social media Chloé: Divorced at 23 Chloé: No one thought it would work Chloé: and it hasn't Chloé: who'll want me now James: I don't know James: but we don't want each other & it's never worked James: we shouldn't have let things escalate this much Chloé: Why did you James: because I wanted it to work Chloé: because you love me Chloé: you must of James: because I love Jay James: & I love Matilda Chloé: That's not a response James: I don't love you James: I don't want to hurt you but that's the reality Chloé: At least you're being honest James: I've always been honest Chloé: No you haven't Chloé: I could've found someone who loved me Chloé: Instead I had to marry you Chloé: you've wasted my time James: I never told you I did Chloé: It's assumed Chloé: you don't just marry someone without loving them Chloé: fucking hell, James James: you don't cheat on someone you love or treat them the way we've treated each other Chloé: I accepted being unhappy about a month or two in Chloé: Who do you think you are Chloé: You can cheat, you can do whatever Chloé: that's how people cope Chloé: you don't get to make a fool out of me James: I don't know who the fuck I am because of you Chloé: Blame me for not having a backbone, go on James: I James: no, there's nothing worth responding to that with Chloé: She'll dump you too, you know James: even if that were true it still doesn't mean I'll want to be with you Chloé: Women want real men Chloé: you come crawling back when you're done with this whole charade James: this is the charade, us Chloé: yeah? and you fucked this up Chloé: what good are you for anything real James: I'll never find out staying here

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garbageivereleasedintothevoid · 5 years ago

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02-10-20

I felt you needed to see this meme after today. To remind you that I am normally a very closed off open book. And I'm sure you'll figure out what that means but just feel freakin honored because I do not let most people see me cry. The fact that you're my therapist makes exactly no difference to my brain.

Anyway, yeah. That was a lot. For me. Idk. Maybe it wasn't that much but it was a lot for me.

You've seen me casually mention shit that some other people wouldn't be able to say at all. And that's part of the defense. Pretend it doesn't bother you and people respond like it doesn't. And you never have to address it because it seems like it genuinely does not bother you. But it's a ploy. One that... Sara saw through near immediately. She even called me on it a couple times. She was like "Idk what to do for you because you won't open up." And I was just like "I've told you everything." And she just flashed this grin briefly and said "But you haven't opened up." And I was like fuck she's right. And told her so and she gloated just a little tiny bit. She just be like that. Lil shit loves being right. Anyway, that was when I actually started to open up to her. Or at least try to. It didn't work at first. I didn't know how. But I kept trying and she kept encouraging me. Until it eventually happened but that was the only time I've seen her... Low-key lose composure. I broke the absolute fuck DOWN. Like full on lost all control. I... Ended up calling her mommy while sobbing. And I saw this look of horror on her face as I looked up. I had previously not been able to see as I'd been sobbing with tears in my eyes and had my head down. And I just launched into apologizing and freaking out thinking she hated me now. She was honest in her response. She told me she didn't know how to react but that I had no reason to be sorry and that she wasn't mad at me. She didn't seem fully confident as she pulled herself together though. Idk. I think it mostly just shocked her because I'd never reacted that way before and to be fair, it was pretty extreme. But... In the moment, I thought I'd just isolated myself from the only person who seemed to give a goddamn about me at the time. I felt... Like she was the only one who gave a goddamn about me and tbh? I don't think I was wrong. At that time in my life, she was the only one who knew me well enough to give a shit about me as a unique individual. She was the only one who... Stuck around long enough to... Really get to know me. Everyone else gave up on me. And I think at times she was really close but it took her a lot more to get close. She played the long game with me and won me over slowly. Gained my trust, pushed me, encouraged me to do better and be better like she knew I could be.

But she also was willing to learn along the way. She knew what nonbinary was when we first met. And knew what would be considered today to be the absolute basics of how to treat a nonbinary person. But five years ago that was close to as much knowledge as you could reasonably expect any cishet person to ever have and it wasn't common by any means. But she learned. And she learned quickly. And somehow, some people do not want to acknowledge that part that she played in my life. Some people think I should just accept my station and not push for better. Some people don't truly understand that they might be happy with their place but others aren't as privileged. And yes, having been physically beaten by your ex is fucking awful and nobody should have to have dealt with that but that doesn't mean you understand everything. And neither does a social work degree. I don't fit her idea of someone who's been abused and she doesn't like that. I wasn't abused by a partner and the physical abuse was... Not as prevalent as every other kind. The sexual abuse was a big thing but... Idk. Rn I am not focusing on that very much and I'm grateful for that because if I was, I'm certain it wouldn't go well. The thing I talk about most was the emotional abuse and manipulation as well as the neglect. When I wasn't being told I would get laughed at for wearing emo stuff to school, I was being told my medical condition wasn't bad and I was just looking for attention. I was called a whiner for expressing any pain. And I am not saying I was perfect. But I was a child. I should have been taken seriously and I for damn sure should have been taught the basic skills that one needs to survive. I was told to just pick thing up little by little each day but like? What does that entail? I'd ask for individual steps and be looked at like I was lying. I was consistently treated like filth you scrape off the bottom of your shoe. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to be kept. I didn't ask for any of this. I was handed a shit hand and now I'm making the best of it. But without Sara, I would have never been able to make what I have of myself. She understood me. She saw my pain and validated it and showed me that I wasn't alone in this and proved that she had my back. She proved to me that I could trust her. And. She. Rooted. For. Me. When I was struggling to make it through the hardest parts she was there, urging me onwards with encouraging words. She never tossed me a "Oh, just get over yourself." Or anything like that. She was on my fucking side and she proved that. Beyond a reasonable doubt, she proved that she was trustworthy and behind me every step of the way. She sacrificed and risked for me and the fact that anyone would express disdain for her being credited pisses me off. What was Sarah Wolf doing when I was breaking down over losing all my things in 2016? Blaming me, that's what. What was she doing when I applied for section 8? Telling me it was selfish to apply and that I didn't need it as much as some people so I shouldn't apply. Sara helped me put in the application. She actually pushed me to even do it because I didn't really want to at first. Sara was the driving force behind the best decisions I have made these past few years. Hell, even Yoshi. I made that decision to take him in on my own. But Sara said she thought it was good for me to have an animal. Sarah Wolf said I should listen to Mark and give him away. And now she pretends like it was all her idea when I didn't consult anyone else before making this decision. This was my decision. And Yoshi was one of the absolute best decisions I ever made. Full stop. I made that decision. And one encouraged me to do good while the other tried to guilt trip me for it. Sarah Wolf primarily provided physical needs. And that's great. Totally appreciated. But the advice does not fit my life and I vehemently reject it.

Sara knows me. She spent 20 minutes to an hour a week talking to me about the deepest stuff that Sarah Wolf still has never heard me talk about. Sarah Wolf doesn't know how much I first freaked out when I first had that memory of the rape lodged in my brain. She doesn't know that Grover took some time out of the bar to hug me and tell me he was taking me to Cici's the next day to get my mind off of it. She doesn't know that I wanted to kill myself that night. She doesn't know that Yoshi meowing at me pulled me back from the edge that night. And she certainly doesn't know that imagining Sara's reaction to the news of my death is what gave me resolve to not do it. Because during that time, she was recovering from her spinal surgery. She was out for another month and a half still. And I didn't want her to come back from that to the news that I had killed myself after remembering that I had been violently raped at a very young age by my own father. That's partly what saved me that night. But that alone was what gave me the resolve to stay alive at least until she got back. And when she got back, I ended up telling her... But I had to get a few other things out first. And I said "One more thing and prepare yourself because it's... Really heavy." And she did. And I told her. And there was a moment where time stood still. And she said she didn't know what to say... Kind of stumbled a moment and said that again but added she was here for me and she would do anything she could to support me. And that meant the world to me. I knew she would, too. I knee before I told her. I knew she would be there for me. And she was. She promised and delivered. She never promised anything there was a chance she couldn't deliver. She always told me the truth. She proved time and time again how much she gave a fuck. And I don't respect when people try to doubt her presence in my life as a positive experience.

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hottmessexpresss · 5 years ago

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**Trigger Warning** Those who are sensitive to topics such as: drug-use, over-dose, and language/descriptions/scenarios involving drugs and drug activity, please do not continue reading, or read at your own risk**

I remember I was in the parking lot of a 24 hour fitness in Bakersfield, Ca. I remember distinctly feeling like I was wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket. My breathing was shallow, but it felt "nice". I felt as if some large fluffy llama was sitting directly on my chest. Oddly enough, I felt at peace...and I felt very, very, sleepy. I didn't feel scared. I felt "whole" for the first time- I felt...happy.

Unknown time had lapsed and I woke up with vomit all over my shirt. I was dazed and confused, and blisfully unaware of my surroundings. I came to, and the passenger next to me was crying and repeatedly saying, "I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to go to jail."

That was my first and only opiate induced over-dose, and before Narcan has been heavily encouraged and issued. If you think that was enough to scare me, you're dead wrong.

Fast forward 6 years, give or take...and here I am sitting in the hospital watching my husband writhe in pain. He just had a total shoulder replacement surgery for a second time, at 42 years old (that is considered "young" for this type of evasive surgery.) My husband never shows he is pain, and has been dealing with this pain for over a year. Doctors never took him seriously. He didn't "look" to be in pain, and his physiological responses didn't "show" he was in pain. Often, there was frustration. Anger. Resentment. Not a soul believed him, and he had accepted he was going to have to deal with it for the remainder of his life. My husband served 21 years in the United States Military. His body is proof of what men and women can endure ensuring our freedoms are protected.

My husband has said, "If it weren't for these junkies, I wouldn't have to be jumping through hoops to be taken seriously." It didn't offend me. It didn't hurt my feelings. With the recent (but not new) opiate epidemic, my mind has been reeling with questions, thoughts, and residual pain. How* do we as a society, fix this problem? What can be done to HELP? What types of out-patient, low cost programs could make an impact in communities of these (addicts) people?

Drugs do not discriminate. When I was detained by the oh-so-lovely, Bakersfield Police Department back in 2014, I was treated as less than a person. "How long have you been doing drugs??? You're too pretty and young to be a tweaker." I was humiliated. I sat in silence, and in that moment "they" had won. I wanted to tell them....."If you only knew me.....if you only knew my story....my amazing, loving, parents...my upbringing, my home...my college education....." but to them, I was just 'another tweaker,' and another case number to report on. The stigma is there. I've seen comments on numerous facebook posts, "tweakers deserve to die." But my friends, they do not. If it weren't for the passanger in my car 6 years ago (even if it were for selfish reasons...AKA not going to jail) I would not have had my beautiful babies, and I would not have had a fighting chance to change my life in a productive and meaningful way.

Not even a full 24 hours after surgery, my husband's nerve block started to wear off. We paged his nurse for relief......and what happened? The on-call resident had a nurse bring my husband Tylenol. Tylenol. After a major surgery. I was offended, and in that moment, I felt embarrassed. There are people out here in this world in legitimate pain. Because of the sudden intensity of the current opiate epidemic, they (pain patients) were forced to taper off of their medication completely, or cut back harshly on their medication. Is this the right thing to do? Is this fair to those battling pain daily with the medical records to back it all up? This is where most addictions can start. "It's a prescription by my doctor... so it's fine." I can bet most do not abuse them, because of course, they need them. But there also people out in this world with emotional pain.

The first time I tried Oxycontin, I felt the effects relatively quickly. Battling depression since 12 years of age, I was dealing with my parents divorce and remarriages, new family dynamics, being a fat, and bullied nerd....I never took medication long enough to know if it would be helpful to me. So in that moment, naiive to what was to come, not knowing my genetic predisposition, I thought to myself, "so THIS is happiness....THIS is what "normal" feels like." And so began my endless and bottomless search for that euphoric happiness, and my self-medication began.

My husband was finally given an Oxycodone 11 HOURS later. It was horrible seeing his face knowing he was in unbearable pain. "We're giving you two doses of Oxycodone, Mr. Steele." My ears. I heard the name, and I knew it all too well. A former best-friend of mine; one whom I loved more than myself and loved more than anything else in this entire world at one point. The word itself, triggered me. Almost 6 years of being free and clear off that shit, and the word alone sent my neurotransmitters firing rapidly and excitedly. My brain started to illict a chemical and emotional response... to a fuckin' word*. I started to feel anxious. Uneasy. Worried. Angry. Jealous. To those who have never been addicted to drugs, this probably sounds absolutely CRAZY to you. How can someone be jealous of someone in legitimate pain and taking pain pills? Well, someone who had once before been EXCITED to fracture her thumb knowing she was getting pain pills (me). I knew* my husband needed them. I knew he had a legitimate reason to need them-but I felt* out of my mind. That* is addiction... That* is your brain fighting against the rational fibers of what is "normal". After addiction sets in, your brain under goes chemical changes. Your "Hedonic Set-Point" of happiness is altered and flipped the fuck upside down. You become addicted because you realize that the intense euphoria and happiness, that warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach, the rush to your head...have all caused a peak beyond your "set point" of euphoria. You crave it, and you NEED it just to even function and feel "normal" If you don't use (drugs), your entire body shuts down and you become so sick (the flu times 500). So you continue to use and abuse anything to reach the level of "normal" (and beyond) in order to not feel like a depressed piece of shit. Rock bottom hits (whenever and however that is and may be, and some will never experience the same rock bottom) and you get clean, and your "hedonic set point" is reset and now, unrealistic. You soon realize you will never* feel that level of happiness again (sober). Social context, and psychological predispositions can trigger a response in your brain to want to achieve that chemical, unrealistic level- over and over again.

Recovering addicts face this day in and day out, and in this case, recovery** is a CHOICE. No one wakes up one day and says, "you know what? I'm going to steal from my family and act like a reckless fool and ruin my normalcy and fuck up my entire family (and my fuckin' credit score) Addicts can do bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. They are the walking wounded. In the words of my favorite author, Charles Bukowski, "we don't even ask (for) happiness, just a little less pain." A close friend of mines addiction was so deep, she lost custody of her child and lost sight of everything she once loved. No one in their right mind* would EVER jeopardize the relationship and well being with their own flesh and blood. People who weren't addicted could never phatom this scenario, but addiction is* ugly. She passed away almost two years ago, leaving her daughter and family behind. Again, addiction can be so powerful and it trumps all things good. Addicts become selfish. Because they only care about themselves and their next fix. Unless they get the proper intervention, have kick ass insurance, and the will and reason deep down to stop, they won't. That's why in NA, they say some people's only way out of addiction, is jail, institutions, or death.

I feel embarrassed sometimes to admit any of this. Those who knew me in my active addiction phase, constantly said, "where* is Katelyn? Where* did she go? This is not* the Katelyn we know and loved..." Addicts have to first admit they are powerless over their addiction. Along with this, comes a mountain of shame, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and a total slap in the face of everything* they were covering up during their abuse. We have to essentially re-learn how to live life again. How to cope with underlying mental illness, how to cope with triggers, how to live day to day without their former best friend.

I wish deep down I wasn't this way. I wish deep down the muffled voice subtly nagging at my brain would stop. I wish i knew better. I don't feel this hardcore temptation anymore. In the beginning, everything felt "unfair" and life kept throwing punches at me and I struggled to handle them. I blamed others for my addiction and carried around SO much anger. One day, it clicked. No one forced me to do anything. Only I was to blame. I was responsible and accountable for what happened to me, and only I was responsible for changing my behavior. It was hard. Most of the time, it felt virtually impossible to stop. If any addict could take a magic pill to end the cycle and to start their lives over, I'm betting some- if not most, would. This blog isn't a debate on whether or not addiction is a choice. I could sit here and debate with anyone all day on this subject. This entry is merely pointing out a basic and yet complex struggle one can face years and years down the line during their recovery. I look back and feel accomplished. I overcame something not everyone has the privilege to escape from. Being clean, I was able to rediscover myself, reevaluate goals, mend relationships, and lead a meaningful life. I found my soul-mate and have two amazing babies. My hope for anyone struggling with addiction is to overcome. Take advantage of any and all local resources and dig deep down to find the desire to want to stop. It might take you more than one attempt to get clean. In NA, they mention over and over to never feel like relapse isn't possible and that it "won't happen" to you. Because it is possible. It can happen at any given moment, and there is always a chance of giving in to the demons you have worked so hard to manage and control. Make the concious choice to NOT give in to the monster, no matter how tempting it could be. You are loved. You are worthy.

"Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs. Just for today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Just for today, I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. Just for today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new association's- people who are not using and have found a new way of life. So as long as I follow that way, I will have nothing to fear." (Narcotics Anonymous, text)

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

1-800-662-4357

NA (Narcotics Anonymous)- find NA meetings and local resources for recovery.

http://m.na.org/

0 notes

knb-holy-universe-blog · 7 years ago

Note

Oh yes, I definitely love this guy! I love almost everyone in KnB tho, but this one has a special place in the "kokoro" xD But I'ma request a different char since you're already doing something with Mayuzumi~ how about a scenario with Takao, where he's in love with his girl childhood friend but won't dare confess since he's afraid of ruining their friendship, but truth is she's in love w/ him too and also won't confess for the same reasons~ & no pressure dear, I know you won't ever disappoint ;)

Thank you; your messages really touch me. Chihiro has a speacial place in my kokoro too everytime i see a picture of him, i got a nostalgia feeling, i feel so sad for him Bae :’( . I really hope that you like the story i wrote

P.s: I apologize for the late replay darling

My charmingprince:

Hé friend! Tell me when did you just stop being afriend and make all your way to steal my heart. It was just for a second that Ileft my guard down and…

I was crying as always, after being bullied because ofmy dialect, my clothes also. Yeah I wasn’t a city girl, I came from a paradise,a village in Kyushu “Minamioguni” and I was proud but I shouldn’t be too proudback then. I just moved to Tokyo, a 10 years old girl, thinking that thingswould be the same or even better than in my hometown. I found myself beingmocked, bullied because I wasn’t from Tokyo. School, I set alone, nobody talkedto me and nobody noticed me. All Kids my age were afraid to be questioned bythe teacher but me, no I was happy because the teacher was the only one whospoke to me, I always watched him whispering : “Teacher notice me, talk to me,break the loneliness around me…”. This was my daily life until HE came, a boyfull of life, full of energy, HE smiled and TALKED to me and then my lonely dayshad an end.

This is how everything started.

“Takao, do you think we should watch The true Historyor Me and my Love?, I can’t pick one because both seem boring”

“Mmm let’s watch Me and my Love it may have somecomedy scenes in it”

“You’re right” You said smiling to him

You’re going to the cinema with him, he invited youlast week end but you didn’t know that they will be diffusing only these twomovies, you wanted some comedy, some action and maybe some horror but nothistory or worse romance. You always hated those movies where the popular guyfall for the unpopular girl and do anything to win her heart, confessing,getting jealous and all No things don’t turn out this way in reality

After all, it doesn’t turn out this way for you, youknow this guy for years, you fell for him from the start, it didn’t take solong to steal your heart away. You were ready to confess two years ago whenyour friend stopped you telling you that first you have to make sure that helikes you. You started stalking him, following him around and seeing how hetreats other BUT he treated you the same way as others, no he doesn’tlike you back, he just acts this way because it’s just his Attitude.

Your friend said that there’s some friends whoconfessed to each other and ended up together but in some cases they gotrejected and could not be friends Anymore. The rejection part it wasokay for you because you already know that if you like someone, he doesn’tnecessary like you back. But not being friends with him anymore NO NO youcould never ever accept this, after all he’s your first and only true friendand if burying your feelings deep inside you is the price to pay for havingsuch a friend then it’s worth it’s really worth it.

Since that day you’re holding yourself back, forcingyourself to just be friends with him and even that night in the cinema you keptdoing this:

“The movie was nice, we judged it too early” he said

“Mmm it wasn’t that bad but it wasn’t that nice too”

“Why not? It was a beautiful story, it started just bya friendship and turned to the most beautiful love story. I don’t see why youdon’t like it”

“Because it’s too unrealistic” you shouted

“Heinn! Really? It often happens in friendship wherethey both fall for each other” before he could express himself more, you spoke:

“Yeah and often happens where one of them confessed,got rejected and worse got excluded from their lives”

As you finished speaking, you noticed somethingchanging his eyes, it was a kind of sadness like a light was shut down in hiseyes, he was looking disappointed maybe but why?

“Are you okay Takao” you asked

He was still looking away but after a few seconds, hesmiled and got back to his normal self:

“Mmm you’re right, let’s say that sometimes it worksout between friends but sometimes it just doesn’t”

You nodded: “That’s right”

You were in front of his door, you were both talkingand didn’t notice that he has arrived to where he lives.

“Aah here you are Takao, I still having a few metersto walk before getting home. Good night and thanks for the movie”

“Good night” he said

You turned a little bit upset that he didn’t offer towalk you home as he always does but he called you again:

“ (Name) you know, lucky are the ones that works outfor them” he just said these words and entered his house. Letting you outthere, confused and still he didn’t offer to walk you home. You sighed,starting to question yourself:

“What does it mean?”, “Maybe he likes me back?”, “Nono never, waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, oh god no, maybe he likes another friend?”

You hurried, took your phone out and called yourfriend:

“(Friend name) I’m sorry for calling you at this timebut I really need to ask you something about Takao?”

“Mmm ok, what is it?”

“I think that he loves someone, because ( you told herthe whole story), what do you think?” after telling her the story, you alreadyarrived at your place but you didn’t want to enter, you wanted to hear yourfriend’s answer in all privacy.

“Mmm yeah probably, he’s willing to confess to her butwith your words I guess that you’re making him more skeptical”

“So, this is how things look like? He really lovesanother friend of him?” your ton has changed as you started to feel your bodygetting weak

“(Name) what’s wrong with you? I thought that wetalked about this two years ago, you said that this story is finished and thatyou already closed the book. You said that the only thing that matters is thatyou’re still his friends So what happened”

She was right, I’ve already make up my mind two yearsago, I decided to bury my feelings in order to still be his friend, why I’m Ithis greedy and selfish? I have to accept that there’s a difference betweenfriends and lovers: Friends SUPPORT each other while lovers LOVE each other. Hewas my first friend, he saved me, he helped me and changed my whole life,thanks to him that I’m not lonely anymore and that’s why I should show mygratitude by supporting him.

You were all decided to bring up that topic and tellhim that you’re supporting him and even you’re ready to speak to this girl ifhe doesn’t have the courage to.

“Ta-ka-ooo ohayooo” You said in a cheering mood

“(Na-me)” he yelled back

“How are you doing today?”

“Alright, I’m sorry for last night, I was a totaljerk, I forgot to walk you home”

You were surprised:

“No no never mind, it’s okay, it’s not that far youknow”

“Yeah but still though, I have to walk you home. Thisis how it works in Dates”

Your eyes were wide opened in surprise and when he sawyour expression, he changed the topic quickly because he didn’t want to makeyou uncomfortable

“(Name) you’re good with physics?”

You blinked a few times before nodding

“Great, you’ll help me study right? I feel so leftbehind just because I missed two classes”

“Of course, you can count on me” You smiled

“I have to go now Takao” You tried to leave

He grabbed your hand: “Do you have something to donow?”

“N.. Nothing” you said nervously

“Then why did you say that you have to go?”

“Mmm because I don’t want to bother you, You usuallylike to spend the lunch break with Midorima no?”

He laughed, “You can just say that you don’t want tospend the break with me?”

“No nooo never say that You idiot, you know how much Ienjoy myself with you”

“Mmmm really?” he started to tease you

“Taaaaaaakaooo you know it”

“Haha yeah I know, I just like it when you make thisexpression it’s just so cute”

He took your hand: “Come on, let’s play a card game”

You had no choice but to accept. Why is he makingthings this hard for you? If he likes another girl, why is he doing this? Can’the tell that you may fall for him if he keeps treating you like that? A girl isreally sensitive and fragile, she could easily get carried on by thesegestures.

After the lunch break, you got back to your classstaring at your friend:

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing” you mumbled

She sighed:

“If this is the part where I must beg you to tell mewhat’s wrong, I think I’ll pass I’m too tired”

You were sulking

“Pffff fine please tell me what’s wrong?”

“Mmm Takao” you whispered

“I can’t hear you”

“Akao” you whispered again and she got mad

“Speak clearly or shut the fuck up” she screamedmaking you tremble

“It’s Takao” you raised your voice a little bit

“Again” she sighed

“I’m really sorry but he grabbed my hand and playedwith me card games”

“And so…”

“So euuuh” you couldn’t find proper words

“(Name) what’s wrong with you? Can you just get overit?”

“No it’s just that lately things are harder thanbefore, he’s giving me so much attention and I can’t control myself anymore”you started crying

She took you in her arms and hugged you:

“You must control your feelings, take a break from himnow and everything will be alright”

“Fine” you said

After this day you started avoiding Takao, it was theweek end so you went shopping with your friend but he didn’t stop calling you.

“Takao give me a break please” you said as you lookedat your phone, like asking if you could pick or not.

“Ok see what he wants”

You quickly picked up: “Mochi mocha Takao”

“Heyy (Name) where are you?”

“I’m in the shopping mall with (friend Name), why?”

“Aaah really?” he was surprised and a little upset

“Why?” you asked again

“You said you’ll help me with physics”

You covered your mouth with your hand in surprise:“I’m really sorry I completely forget”

He sighed: “It’s okay, I’ll just ask Shin chan forhelp”

“Noo no wait, I’ll be done in a few minutes” yourfriend was looking at you surprised as you said those words, “Meet me in myhouse after an hour ok?”

He laughed: “ Perfect” and then he hung up

You wanted to turn and face your friend, but such ascary dark aura was coming out from her, you didn’t dare to turn but she puther hand on your shoulder and made you turn. You closed your eyes and bowed:

“I’m really sorry but I need to help him, I promisedhim that day”

“Ohh really!” she was speaking with such devilishvoice

You were so scared: “I swear we’ll only study”

“Dare to say that you did more than study and I swearI’ll write “Study” in the shopping mall with your blood”

You backed off: “No worries, let’s go eat some icecream”

She liked ice cream so you thought that this couldcalm her but she kept her devilish aura during the whole walk until you wereabout to say goodbye:

“(Name) really don’t screw everything up, I don’t wantto see you broken”

You hugged her: “Don’t worry just study”

You entered your house repeating “Just study” , yougot to your room to make sure that everything is in place, a few minutes laterTakao came in.

“Hello (Name)” he said as loudly as always but hefound you repeating some weird things (Just study)

“(Name) if you don’t feel alright, I can go”

“No no everything is cool, we’re just going to Study”you said with a creepy laugh

“(Name) are you possessed or something?” he asked withan awkward expression

“Haha no, why are you asking?” your laugh was evenmore creepy this time

“You’re scaring me you know”

You started to laugh again so he got close to you andstarted a tickle fight, you were laughing so hard while trying to tickle himbut he always won in this game even this time, which causes the room to befilled up only with your laughing

“Now it’s your beautiful natural laugh” He said whilegiving you a bright smile

You stopped laughing and looked at him, he was lookingat you and it was really awkward but thanks god, your mom came in:

“Here are some cookies, hot chocolate drink and somesnacks for the hardest working students”

“Thanks mom” you said but you were surprised when youheard Takao saying:

“Thank you so much Mom”

You were friends for so long and he used to come toyour place but he never called your mother “Mom”

Suddenly, (Friend Name)’s face came to your mind andyour head got filled up again with “Just study” but you stopped yourself frombeing creepy this time

“Let’s just study Takao” you said

“I’ll leave you now, study well kids” She said as sheclosed the door

“So if I remember well, you missed just those twoclasses”

“Yes ma’am” he said trying to put a pleasantatmosphere

“Fine, it’s easy I’ll just explain it to you in notime” you said as you opened the book and your notes of physics

You were explaining to him with such enthusiasm, itwas rare for him to ask you for help, it’s always the other way around so oncehe does this, you gave it your all because you really want to show him howgrateful you are to him.

“Done, Do you have any questions?” You asked

“No no at all, thanks to you” He smiled to you

“Are you sure? I mean you asked no questions and…” Hecut you off

“I’m sure, let’s eat something”

You both took a cookie and started eating whiledrinking the chocolate that became so cold.

“Maybe I should tell Mom to warm it up for us”

“No she’ll get angry to know that we let it get cold”he said amused at this situation

“Mmm you’re right”

He knew so many things about your life, the way yourparents would react, the way you would react, you were so close, you were bestfriends but silently you’re wishing to be More

After some time, he left. You wanted to hold him fordinner but you knew you shouldn’t. You called your friend:

“Hi! I just wanted to let you know that we juststudied BUT”

She was about to scream when you cut her off:

“Wait but all the time he was staring at me, he didn’task any question and he was just looking at me. Honestly I think that healready understood the lesson but just wanted….”

You really wished to continue, to say that maybe hejust wanted to be with you and it was just an excuse but you had no confidence,no you knew him for so long and if he wanted to be with you, he just could havedone it already so no ….

“I’m sorry” you said and your voice started to sound alittle desperate while on the other line, a volcano was ready to explode,

“Listen bitch, what did I say?”

“I know I knowI’m sorry, I will avoid him like really avoid him from tomorrow and on”

You spoke with such honesty that the volcano calmeddown:

“Then it’s okay”

“Sure, this is how things must be after all” You voicewas sending away regrets and remorse.

“It’s for the best, I don’t want you to be hurt”

“I know” You voice was still sounding desperate

“Ok, one last time” she shouted

You were surprised: “What one last time?”

“I said one last time, I mean you can try it out onelast time”

You couldn’t believe your ears, you friend is giving youthe green light but even though you were skeptical about this whole thing.

“I’m not sure if I should, after all he may like afriend but not me”

“Yeah and that’s why you’ll try to ask him startingfrom tomorrow”

“Ask him what?” you panicked

“Don’t worry, ask him some personal questions”

You panicked more: “What kind?”

“It’s obvious no idiot? Like do you like someone? Whatkind of girls do you like? Do you have exes?” She said proudly

“No it’s just too personal, I don’t see myself askinghim this kind of questions”

She laughed: “Ah really! How do you want to be hisgirlfriend then? You know, relationships are different then friendships, inrelationship you have to sweet talk to each other, feel jealous and show it,sometimes dirty talk if not always”

Her last words made you scream: “Whattttt!! Dirtytalk! How? Why?”

She sighed: “Don’t worry, if Takao likes you then he’sgoing to teach you”

You felt a little shy about this idea but deep insideyou, you wished if it was real.

“Then tomorrow I will try” you mumbled

“Aha that’s the spirit” she yelled before hanging up

You liked this friend, if she wants to push you up shereally could but if she wants to push you far she could do it too. It’s likeshe was really gifted with words and you liked it this side of her.

Tomorrow lunch break:

You went to Takao class, you found him laughing whileteasing Midorima.

“Ohayo Takao” You tried to be as loud as always but theconversation you prepared for hours in your room made you a little terrified

“Hi (Name), something’s wrong?” He asked

“No no no, why?” You tried to fake a smile and it wasjust obvious

“Is there something you want to say?” he asked againbut a little more worried this time

“There’s nothing, absolutely nothing” You tried evenharder to fake that smile

“I need to go to do something Nanodayo” the greenhaired boy said as he was leaving. You knew that he left just to make youcomfortable with Takao and it was very embarrassing for you.

You sat on a chair while thinking of an excuse becausenow you know that you look like you’re hiding something.

“So?” he asked again

You sighed: “Pfff ok, it’s just that my classmatelikes a boy here and he doesn’t like her back, she told me her story earlierand that’s why I feel sad for her”

It was the only excuse you found and you thought thatit was the best because, you could make it look like you’re sad for her and onthe other hand, you can bring up your daring questions.

“Aaah it must be tough for her” He said as he waslooking at the window

“Totally”

You were trying with all your power to bring up thosequestions but the words were more and more heavier for your mouth that youstayed silent.

“Do you have someone like that?” he broke the silent

“Heiin?” you asked in surprise, blinking and wonderingif you heard him right

“I asked if you have someone that you like” You wereturning into a tomato, a good quality tomato, you see the one really red

You lost all your means, you were nervous and theworst, you couldn’t even look at him in the eye

“I have someone like that” He said

You were shocked, you felt a pain in your chest, adeep sorrow taking over your body, you wanted to ask who that person was butyou were too scared.

(Please Takao, you can like someone else but forgod’s sake do it in silence, don’t let me know or else I’ll be really inpieces)

Your head down, this is all you wanted to say to himbut you already knew you never would. You raised your head, facing him.

“Aaah that’s a good thing. Love must be a greatfeeling” You ignored from where this power come to your body but you weregrateful that it came

“No at all, it’s amazing when it’s a shared feelingbut if it’s one sided feeling then it’s tiring” he smiled, a sad smile not thatusual bright one

You were looking sad, anybody would tell that thisnews dragged you down.

“Do you think I should confess? Do you think that shemay like me back?” He added to your pain

At this moment, you wanted more than anything, yeahabsolutely more than anything to hold him back but jeez how many times was hethere for you? How many times he helped you? How much he gave you? “FRIENDSsupport each other and it was all”. And now, if you’re a real friend then youmust support him.

You clenched your fist letting go all your anger thenyou relaxed and faked a smile, but this one was much more convincing:

“Totally, you should confess to her. I don’t know ifyou’ve been told this or not but I think that any girl, yeah any girl wouldfall for you because why the hell not. She’ll never find better than you,you’ll be there for her whenever she needs, you’ll support her and cheer her upwhen in need and you will love her with your all so just tell me why wouldn’tshe like you back. Be confident and if she was stupid enough to reject you thenjust know that she doesn’t really know you so give her some time to see throughyou and she’ll be yours that’s for sure”

You were surprised at your own words, you could speakboldly and express your feelings freely. Yes you may regret it because you’repushing him to go to another girl but hell he deserves to be happy and you’llhelp him to be happy even if it means Happy but not with you

The bell rang and you were happy for the first time inyour life to hear it. You tuned to the door:

“Looks like I need to go now, good luck with yourconfession” you wanted to walk away when he grabbed your hand, turned you tohim and kissed you.

“O.M.G God please don’t wake me up if it’s a dream”this the only thing that was playing on in your head right now. You wereshocked and surprised but very happy, he was your first love and now your firstkiss.

He got closer to your ears and whispered: “I love youand I won’t accept other than ‘I love you too” as a response, it’s you whopushed me to confess and guaranteed a positive answer no?”

You pulled back: “What! I don’t understand”, youwondered if he’s joking or being serious now

“Ohhh (Name) it’s hard to finally say it and you wantme to repeat it” he pouted, “You’re the one I like, I really hope that you feelsomething for me too , at least give me a chance to show you my all as yousaid”

Wait, is this real! The students started to enter theclassroom, it wasn’t the place or the moment to talk about this but you couldn’tlet him without answer. You approached him and whispered in his ear: “I loveyou too”

He was shocked and you wondered why, you wanted to askbut you knew you couldn’t. You walked out the class while waving to him but hewas just staring at you with that weird look on his face. Once you made sure hecan’t see you anymore, you started running in the hallway to meet your friend,you could hear “ don’t run in the hallway”, “You’re in high school not inkindergarten” but you were too happy to pay attention to them. You saw yourfriend, she was playing with her phone, you rushed to her and moved the phoneaway from her. It’s like you pushed the death button on, she gave you a deathglare and prepared herself to give you a punch or slap you, you weren’t reallysure but before she could move, you shouted: “He said he loves me”

All the students that were there looked at youconfused and at your surprise, a voice spoke: “Your love life doesn’t interestus, you better save that energy and excitement for your studies”.

You recognized that voice, it was the teacher’s voice.God you were so embarrassed so you told your friend that you’ll tell her thewhole story after class. You took your seat, opened your book when you feltyour phone vibrates in your pocket. You wanted just to check who was it, and itwas Takao. No, you don’t usually do that, read texts in class, maybe you do itsometimes but not always. As you read it, your eyes opened widely:

“(Name) I swear I can’t describe how happy I am, Inever thought that you loved me, I was checking all the time on the internetthe signs that tell if you have a chance with a girl. And according to it, Ihad some slight chances, this is why I decided to try my luck this time. I meanit’s been so long that I wanted to try It out, to tell you how I feel but I wasterrified that you wouldn’t feel the same and would take your distance with mewhich I can’t accept. (Name) I just can’t accept it, I know you for so long andI can’t bear to lose you but I guess that Shin chan was right, he said thattoday I have luck, I don’t usually believe it but it turned out to be real.Well, I’d be happy if you could come to watch me practice, having you with mewill boost my skills”.

You were so happy, a sparkle could be seen in youreyes. He was feeling the same for you and he didn’t act for the same reasons.Both of you loved each other and kept it hidden because you were too afraid toruin this friendship, you could never be more blessed.

You were so excited, you had so much to say, you wereabout to start typing when you felt a hand taking your phone away.

“Confiscated until the end of class” It was yourteacher.

Whyyy? I always played games in class, send texts (youfinally confessed) but I was never caught up and today, when I really need to textsomeone I was caught.

Life is unfair, but no, not for you maybe you can’ttext him now but you have him all for yourself and it’s something you alwayswished, let’s say your most precious wish was granted. And yeah sometimes thelove stories you see in movies may really happen in real life, at least it didfor you. He’s not riding a horse, he doesn’t do poetry or say romantic sweettalks but yet he’s a charming prince, he’s your charming prince.

#takao x reader #takao kazunari #friendship #love #knb #kuroko no basket #fanfiction

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icharchivist · 7 years ago

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I'm really worried about Leorio in this arc. Like he hasn't seen half the shit Kurapika's been through and not even a quarter of half the shit Killua and Gon have been through. And this arc seems like/was stated to be even worse than the chimera ant arc? He's gonna get thrust in the middle of all of it! Thought it might also be his time to shine. Kurapika's def gonna get hurt and while he can heal himself normally he won't be able to if he's passed out/weakened from emperor time.

Yeee definitly agreed. Some shits are going to go down and that’s going to be hard.

I love Kurapika with all my heart but tbh I really wanted this arc to be more Leorio centric. I’m still a bit frustrated we didn’t get much of him, but I think the arc can set up a few things for him now if the storyline takes it.

and if it does? Leorio is going to suffer.

The thing is that, I think the main four are complementary in a sort of way when it comes to their respective trauma. Gon’s was dormant and truly kicked in in the CA arc when everything happened to Kite. He actively tried to confront that trauma and it ended badly. Killua’s was always kinda there and is still there, without exactly being addressed directly by Killua - he’s slowly recovering without exactly realizing it since it’s just by being away from a toxic environment that he’s doing better.Kurapika's trauma is still vivid and active and he’s completely aware of it, and he deals with it with the most unhealthy ways possible, and like Gon he tries to confront him.

If we go by that logic, Leorio’s trauma happened officially pre-canon with the death of his friend, and he had tried to recover as much as possible in the most healthy ways (how he’s becoming a doctor to prevent this loss to happen again).

Out of the Four, it’s true Leorio is the one who suffered the least, and he’s the one who moved on from the trauma that kickstarted his plotline - as much as we can say, he recovered.

Which is in itself a good theme when it comes down to it, but since it’s not exactly exploited by the narrative, it’s not exactly obvious and I doubt it was meant to be a point in itself but more a set up.

If it is a set up, we saw already a bit of payoff thus far. The multiple times he worred about Kurapika before the end of the York New Arc and grew concerned was one part, and his direct reaction to almost losing Gon was extremely frightening for him. It’s eventually what led him to ask the Zodiacs if they could find a way to get to Kurapika.

I think that, at this point of the story, Leorio is more worried for his friends than ever. In the begining of the story he mostly focuses on his goal, becoming a doctor in order to be able to prevent the harm that could happen to people, but he ended up feeling extremely guilty in the Election arc where, after all this studying, he still wasn’t there when his friends were suffering, and he couldn’t have done anything to prevent it - and now again he was powerless.

Even when Gon wakes up Leorio still feels guilty for not having been there when all those troubles with Killua and Gon happened - he mentions it especially when Gon mentions the “horrible things” he said to Killua, which means more than saving his life, Leorio wanted to have been here to prevent all those bad things to happen, to even talk with them if possible.

Which is imo why he tried to reach out for Kurapika a bit more and ended up asking the Zodiac for a favor - because he wasn’t there previously and his friends ended up near death. And it’s all good to be able to help people, but if you’re not there when it happens, what’s the point?

I’m still a little unsure about that because as much as i love Leorio caring for his friends, I would have loved a more “Leorio-centric” narrative, but as the story is going on, I wonder if the catalyst won’t be even more harm happening to his closed ones and eventually re-traumatizing him, and having him try to do something about it.

That’s why I’ve kinda been thinking that Kurapika may not die but will be badly harmed by the end of the arc and it may bring oil on the fire for Leorio. But at the same time i’m still a bit doubtful, because a repetitive narrative can be either extremely clever as parallelism, or downright stupid because it’s basically the same thing. But it’s been in the back of my mind for a while, since it would find a place among Leorio’s themes in general.

Personally, I would wish to see him more involved with the Zodiacs and uses his political position as a means to an end. I would love to see more of his training too, but I don’t have any precise idea of where it could go from that point on in order to explore that.

All i still wish for though, is that - Leorio is supposed to be busy on the lower levels of the ship. Kurapika is dealing with the princes now, but Leorio is down there, far from the political fighting.

Mizai had said that riots started happening on the lower levels, and I want to know if it’s going to bring somewhere, especially with Leorio who’s after all, working in that aera. It would be an opportunity to open up a plot line for him.

If we can’t have a totally centric Leorio arc like I wish, there’s still the fact the Troupe and Hisoka are also on those lower levels. At best, Leorio could get involved because he knows them and can try to come up with ways to limitate the damages (also it could also finally explore why Hisoka took an interest on him in the Hunter Exam by having those two at least having a conversation.). At worst, if it’s not entierely Leorio-centric, he could be worried that learning the Troupe is on board would be of harm for Kurapika and try to deal with it for it.

Regardless, I still believe the arc will be divided in, well, 3 for now. First part was the introduction we saw so far, until the departure of the boat, second would be the Succession War and everything happening on the Boat to the Dark Continent. Lastly, the Exploration of the Dark Continent itself.

I think it may be why the likes of Ging and Pariston hadn’t been seen again since the Succession War sub-arc started. The introduction would have set the players for the following arcs, and the Dark Continent exploration would be a complete different story.

Kurapika’s entiere purpose for participating in that arc is the Succession War (which again is one of the reason I think he’ll be out of commission by the end of this pat). Leorio, however, promised to help alongside Cheadle with every means he could, and I believe it might be that he’ll therefore be a more major player in the Exploration of the Dark Continent itself.

Whenever it would be to further his own storyline, which i really hope for, or to help wounded friends (after all, one of the wonders of the Dark Continent includes a rice that makes you life longer, that would come handy), i think Leorio would have more of a plotline in the Dark Continent Itself.

(especially even more if the Dark Continent would head up into a commentary about collonialism the way the CA arc had a commentary about war, and that I think (really take it with a grain of salt bc it’s something i’ve been thinking to myself for a while) that therefore Nanika’s powers could have been a forshadow of the commentary itself - for your selfish gain you will only get suffering, a suffering the next people involved, regardless of their own intend, will pay even harder, but if you’re there because you want to help, if you work it out of love, either toward the land/the person or toward the people you’re trying to help, you may find a welcome. I think it was stated that the guardian of the DC wouldn’t let a lot of people in, and we saw the scientific team talking about the DC only see horrors from the people who came back - yet apparently Don Freecss, who embrassed and loved the new land, could benefits from its goodness.)(and i’m completely overanalysing so don’t take that part any seriously until we get any confirmation, because for now we don’t know anything.)

Also the Zodiac are planning on letting all the people on the Boat (aside from those who are actively working on the exploration of the dark continent) into an Unknown Continent, I suppose eventually a few stuff could happen there, at least as it would come to organize the people who will be brought there.

I’m really scared for what’s to come though because ye, it seems to be going in a dark path, and things are going to get tense. And I worry too that Leorio’s “lack of drama” (for lack of better word) will eventually backlash on him getting even worse on his head.

The problem is that so far the most I can think about is him reacting to his friends and... While on one way I consider it to be in character, and it’s not a shame for character to be dedicated to their friends (a lot of Killua’s storyline centers a lot more around helping Gon that it does on his own goal, textually so. And Leorio’s goal is, as a mean to an end, a way to help people, among those, his friends.).

On the other, I would love a storyline that would explore much more about Leorio, first because I really want to see him evolve and see him going through stuff, and second because I don’t want to hear anything about how he’s not interesting or useless or any Bad Word Of The Month people use on him. And the sad truth is that people who’s goal are usually really “caring” centric are often sidelined, both by the narrative and the fandom, more than once.

So in recap, i do think he’ll get involved in the plotline and he will end up getting in danger in one way or another. But I also believe he will be more involved either with the Zodiac or with the Exploration, and maybe with the Riots on the boat, which could be an excellent opportunity to explore much, much more of him. Even if you have to use other people’s suffering to come there, i just wish at least it wouldn’t break him.

I’m still hopeful for Leorio’s involvement and story arc, but ye, there’s no way it will happen without suffering. Brace for it.

All of that being said, there’s still a lot this arc has to offer and Togashi had always managed to surprise us in one way or another, and he always added stuff to the scenario that we couldn’t exactly anticipate. Notice that all I say is my overanalysis of current information that might be completely wrong after a next update because of new elements. I totally believe Togashi can be completely misleading, and that he will bring the story where it has to be brought and that it will be interesting. But we can’t predict it, even with all the amount of overinterpretation one can use.

Take care!!

#ichameta hxh #hxh meta #hxh spoilers #dc arc spoilers #leorio appreciation #i have a lot of thoughts about the dc arc in general but we don't have enough info rip #so i'm still really doubtful about everything i say #(also the leorio stuff are always a risky line bc i don't want to sound biased)#(i love leorio and his character arc in general and imo he's really centered on how he cares about people)#(but therefore it means i tend to mostly mention stuff about him that are related to other people)#(and to me there's nothing wrong with a character who's more caring-centered)#(but i've been enough into fandoms to know that people are never happy unless you give even more and more)#(i believe a well written caring storyline would have more weight than a half assed attempt at writting a badass)#(but still - i would love much more to be explored about Leorio in general - especially his political affiliations now)#(and the achievement of his training - and hopefully new plotthreads!!)#(but i can't exactly focus only on that when he's been really driven into not letting people suffer again)#(bleh this is the never ending argument in fandoms and it's why i get worked up about it)#(nothing in your ask about that i just justify why i wrote this the way i wrote it)#(I know i have a bias to start with but i'm trying to keep it as much down as anything and be objective)#(so i hope it doesn't sound too far fetched)#take care!!#Anonymous #ichareply

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