#so far I’ve really enjoyed the first two eps

[eureka-its-zico]

Residuals Pt. 4

Ongoing Series

Synopsis: You and Robby spent seven long years together until the day it ended. You’ve done your best to create space; to become invisible. You can’t miss what you don’t see. Unfortunately, the universe (Gloria and the Board of Directors) seemed to have missed the memo.

Pairing: Michael ‘Robby’ Robinavitch x Reader

Genre: Established previous relationship, slight age gap (by about 15 years give or take), a little bit of tension mixed in with a little bit of hate yearning, cause she’s a saucy angsty fic ok

A/N: First, I read an article on burns to try and make this as accurate as possible, (article here by the NIH) but it’s still not terribly accurate. So, please, I tried lol. Secondly, I’m still screaming at the amount of love you guys have shown this series. Truly, I appreciate it more than y’all know. Thirdly, enter in a little extra dash of drama by Gloria (who redeemed herself in ep.12 but we ain’t there yet) and ya girl is just having a rough-ass day. Fourthly, yeah…she’s a thick chapter. Hopefully, it's still good because I’ve edited it as much as I can. As always, I hope you all enjoy. Thank you for the support and for being here. Much Love, Jenn

Warnings: Mentions of death, language

Words: 10k +

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Whitaker proved to be an adept student. He followed directions well and answered whatever questions you threw his way about proper wound care at home and possible infection risks around the burned areas. When you’d finished with the first patient, you ensured he knew to return to the emergency room immediately if they experienced any new or persistent discomfort, like pain or tenderness in the area, increased warmth, discoloration, or advanced swelling. 

“If the infection is invasive and takes hold of the wound, what is the main course of treatment, Dr. Whitaker?”

“We would contact surgery.”

“Correct. Why?” 

“The need for surgery would be based on the high concentration of the bacteria levels found present in the wound.”

“We’d check for signs of possible sepsis and a full check-up to narrow down if it's gram-negative or positive bacteria, which tells us further about our treatment plan. What is the chief cause of burn wound infections?”

“Staphylococcus Aureus - MRSA.”

“How would we verify the patient had MRSA or any other type of possible bacterial infection?” 

“By taking a sample from the area for testing -“

“You guys aren’t about to cut me up or anything, are you?”  

The sudden input from the patient caused a nervous tick from Whitaker. It halted his hands from finishing the last few loops around with the gauze. The patients' eyes darted nervously from you to Whitaker and back again. You gave your best reassuring smile while making sure the dressing was secured on his chest and shoulder.

“Well, Kyle, the faster we get you out of here, you take the antibiotics I prescribe you, and make sure you keep your burns dressed and away from exposure to possible germs, then no. We won’t be ‘cutting you up’ today.”

“Okay. Cool. Because that sounds really uncool.”

Dilaudid truly did wonders for conversations. You’d have to make sure the discharge papers were clear on his care and warning signs to look out for. Plus, add extra emphasis on trying to make sure not to share any items in the frat house bathroom. 

In truth, it wasn’t him, but his fellow frat boy neighbor in four that had you worried. So far, he showed no obvious signs of infection, but once the adrenaline of the moment wore off he noticeably seemed to slip into shock at having half his face, eyelashes, and eyebrow singed off. Not enough shock, however, to keep from asking if he’d make a handsome Harvey Dent for Halloween. 

The burns to his neck and chest indicate to you he was closer to the fire pit than his buddy Whitaker currently patched up. You’d ordered blood work, x-rays, and a culture swab on two-face and his friend just to rule out any surprises. 

You did your full assessment, asked questions, and directed Whitaker the best you could. You wanted to be the good mentor like Adamson and Singh had been for you. A good mentor like Robby was too. You would never admit it out loud but a small piece of you wanted Robby to see how capable you were. A silent bid to prove he could trust you with his interns and medical students. Between Robby, Abbot, and the previous attendings you knew you could teach. 

It wasn’t a hidden thing that you’d both meet here during your residency. Yes, it was Adamson’s circus, but Robby thrived under Adamson’s direction and the insanity the Pitt offered. He was funny, charismatic, incredibly smart, and showed a level of empathy that bordered on worrisome at times. A tidal wave of grief encapsulated him and carried him under if he wasn’t careful. Robby was exactly the physician any patient should want taking care of them when they arrived in the ED. 

And hell, you weren’t blind. Anyone with eyes could see that Robby was handsome. Painstakingly, stupidly, egregiously, fucking handsome. It was fucking criminal. 

Robby taught you so much in the time you’d spent here and you knew he probably still could but that would mean being around him. The two of you standing closer than you’d been in years was proving to be a dangerous thing. He’d fallen back into the habit of stealing touches and you’d fallen back into the habit of shamelessly teasing him with things he’d usually make you pay for later trapped between his body and whatever surface in your house.

It was a dangerous game neither of you realized you were playing, and both of you were losing fast. Instead of having your focus one hundred percent on the patients and being back in the ED for the first time in years, your focus repeatedly returned where it shouldn’t. At first, you could lie to yourself and say you were simply scanning the hallways and nursing stations to make sure you didn’t see him. Of course, that’s what you wanted to believe; to coast through this shift without any additional emotional trauma following you home. 

It was fucking impossible.

You could continue to lie to yourself all you wanted, but the truth was blatantly clear. Your eyes didn’t comb over the hallways and desks in hopes of not finding him. You didn’t quickly peer into rooms in anticipation that he wouldn’t be in one. You wanted to see him just as much as you denied that you didn’t. 

The day you left, you made sure to do it while Robby was working because you knew, that if he’d been home and asked you to stay, you would’ve. And if he didn’t fight for you - never uttered a singular word of pleading to keep you from leaving, you weren’t sure you could survive it. 

So now you found yourself hopelessly looking for him in all the places you swore you’d never go again. You may have chosen to leave, but it never meant you stopped loving him. The fact you were still in love with him made seeing the lost look in his eyes sting harder. You watched as he spoke to the parents of the kid who overdosed with no possible hope of waking up again, and you wanted to go to him. It was the shattering look of grief that made you forget how to move. Robby knew what was coming better than anyone else did. 

How many times was Robby the one in charge of giving the heartbreaking news that loved ones weren’t coming home? Shouldering the burden of listening to the breakdown of their world and being the pillar of strength and comfort while families struggled to rearrange? 

You hadn’t realized the black hole of anxiety was leading you down a rabbit hole until the sound of Whitaker calling out, “Dr. Fullerton,” at your side left you practically jumping out of your skin. 

Shit. How long had you been zoned out? Hopefully, you hadn’t said anything weird. Or incriminating.

“Sorry,” he swiftly followed up. “I was trying to ask where we were off to next, but, uh, you seemed a little…preoccupied.”

“Oh, yeah, no sorry. You can go back to the red zone. I’m just going to help McKay up in triage.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“What? No, not at all. You’ll have more of a chance to learn with Langdon and Collins.” What you actually meant was to see more if that was what he was into. “Also, maybe check on your last patient I pulled you away from earlier.”

“Oh, yeah, of course.” You watched him take your advice and, in real time, get ready to dispute it. “Why am I checking back in with Mr. Milton?”

What should you tell him? In the Pitt, it was easy to be thrown from one patient to the next - forgetting their faces and names as the minutes blurred into hours. Easy to forget they were waiting on test results that needed to be read by you and needed a treatment plan discussed and planned by you. Major issues could present as something small, something easily missable until further testing exposed the truth of the situation. If you went just the smallest amount of time without checking the results, without popping your head in for a visual, well, it wasn’t hard to imagine how sometimes those major issues finally presented themselves and everything got much, much worse. 

“Look, Whitaker. As much as the powers constantly stress about getting people in and out quickly like this is a drive-thru, we have an obligation to each patient to give them the best care we can. It means staying on top of orders and checking in regularly. Trust me, Whitaker, things can change quickly down here.”

“Okay, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Thanks, Dr. Fullerton.”

“You bet. See you around, Whitaker.”

He gave you an awkward wave and didn’t move right away. It wasn’t until you turned away from him that you heard him shuffle on his feet. A part of you was curious if you glanced behind you he’d still be standing there, deciding where to go.   

All that mattered to you was that you currently needed a new patient. It didn’t matter what the chief complaint was. Ideally, for the all-seeing eye of admin, quick and easy ones would look better. At this rate, you were positive your Press Ganey score was dipping. You were seeing patients at the speed of an R3; two patients per hour and they were after fast and loose results. But you wanted something with the capability to keep you occupied for hours. Preferably something that would require so much of your attention it would force you out of your head. 

Yeah, that would be good. It was too damn early still to be spiraling into a midlife crisis just because you had to work with your ex. An ex, you realized, who was wearing the damn navy blue hoodie you’d bought him on his last fishing trip to Canonsburg. 

No. No. Nope. You weren’t supposed to be thinking about him or stupid hoodies or the gold chain of his necklace that used to drag over your collarbone. How your fingers curled around the thin chain, using it like a lead, to bring him down on top of you on the couch. Absolutely not - you were at work and he was your ex. He was your ex and you shouldn’t fucking care how you could still tell after all these months he was sleeping like shit. 

You were almost back to Dana’s station, the monitor looming overhead like a beacon to salvation when you noticed Whitaker walking in tandem beside you. You cocked a brow in question that Whitaker rushed to answer. 

“The board is this way, so…”

Right. You knew that. 

“I was trying to talk to you but I think you were in deep thought or something. Again.”

Or something. God. That was twice. Twice your head was everywhere else but where it needed to be, which was at work. You should’ve fought harder when Gloria came to reassign you, but none of this should’ve mattered. 

You were a damn good doctor. You’d trained under the best, learned from the best, and kept progressively learning and didn’t stop. You spent years of your life on this because helping people was your passion. It shouldn’t matter where you were placed if you were down here to help for days, months, or years. 

Yet, in the matter of an hour, your mind waded into memories that were better off left for dead with your eyes searching for someone you shouldn’t. 

You didn’t know how to answer him. “Sorry, I should remember where everything is but find myself stuck daydreaming about the past and looking for signs where I shouldn’t and sexually fantasizing about your attending”, didn’t seem appropriate to tell a med student. So, you ended with a weak, “Sorry about that,” which passed for understanding. It made you feel like an ass, but you didn’t trust yourself to speak. 

You came to a stop just a few feet from Dana’s desk. Her back turned to you as she went through folders preparing patient's charts for transfer upstairs. Her eyes shifted up at the board and over to a newer resident you hadn’t met yet. 

Her gaze was fixed on the monitor; eyes scanning rapidly down the chart as if there was a code that needed cracking. You knew that look. It was a shared one you’d no doubt mirrored only an hour ago. 

“What do you need, Fullerton?”

Your head swiveled back to Dana and found her now facing you, her glasses removed, and waiting for your answer. 

“How’d you know it was me?”

“Are you kidding?” The question fell out of her in a chuckle. “You’re the only one I know who goes around taping on every damn surface when they’re thinking. You act like my five-year-old grandson, just less noisy. Barely.”

“That’s offensive,” you pointed out. 

“For who? You or my grandson.”

You felt the first crack in your defenses tug at the corners of your mouth. If you weren’t careful, Dana’s whip-smart comments were going to make you fold back into a routine you hadn’t been a part of in a while. It wasn’t just you who was slipping at this point, and you clocked the moment Dana began to realize it too. 

She was supposed to be upset with you - grumpy, mean remarks only. You were supposed to take them and dish them back so you could comfortably stay in your bubbles of denial and anger. The denial of what, exactly, was achingly easy to see. 

You both missed each other. More than either of you were willing to admit. 

Your reply sat cocked and loaded on your tongue when you remembered what transpired half an hour before. As much as you missed one another, you had to be careful with what you shared around her. It was obvious, whatever the ‘It’ may be, Robby would magically seem to find out. 

“Any quick ones up here? It’s only 8:30, and Robby’s already on my case for being too slow. I can usually at least make it to lunch before he starts hounding me.” 

Your attention swiveled back towards the resident. Her gaze fixed on the board before glancing between Dana and you. Hopefully, her question wasn’t meant for you to answer. You weren’t very good at picking off the board either. 

“Cut him a little slack today, ok? It’s the anniversary of Dr. Adamson’s death.”

Of course, Dana would cover for him. Intercept all incoming rapports of Robby being prickly and sometimes downright mean to bury them under the rug of understanding. 

Yes, it was the anniversary of Adamson’s death. It always would be. Grief wasn’t easy. It was messy and unrelenting in the moments it chose for sights, smells, and touch to materialize memories that recalled moments you wouldn’t get the chance to share with them again. A constant reminder of all that we lost. Time didn’t seal up that cavern their loss created; it just became more manageable over time. 

Robby never coped. Never allowed himself to grieve, heal, and thrive in the good memories he did have. The doubts and guilt haunted him every day in every step, every decision, he made. He housed it inside him like a ghoul in a cemetery feasting on the remains of who he was before Adamson’s death - before the pandemic. 

“That’s sad. But it’s still no reason to take it out on me. I’m just saying.”

You liked her. She got it. You wanted to properly introduce yourself. By the look on Dana’s face, you need to do it quickly before she breaks out into a lecture. Luck wasn’t on your side because Whitaker beat you to the punch. 

You didn’t want to eavesdrop on their conversation but you also didn’t want to go back to having a conversation with Dana, either. It left you the only option of staring back up at the beloved board. You’d just decided on 7 North when Dr. Collins walked by, her hands digging in the glovebox on the wall to retrieve a pair. Her eyes were on Whitaker and yours were on her. 

It wasn’t a secret that Robby and Heather had dated. Well, maybe to those in the Pitt, and not including Perlah or Princess because they suspiciously seemed to be psychic. Or just really loved to gossip. No, you’d learned about them when a friend spotted Robby and Heather out on a date. You’d only assumed it was a date because she repeatedly kept using the word cozy. 

And why should you have cared? It’d been almost a year since you’d left. You chose to leave and that meant making him free to date and find new love or whatever. You didn’t have a right to lay claim to him just because he’d been yours. And Heather? She was gorgeous. She was fucking brilliant, with a beautiful smile, and it suddenly made you feel uncharacteristically subconscious. 

Whether it’d been a date or they just seemed cozy (it was a damn date) you shouldn’t have felt jealous. You were fine. It was perfectly fine and healthy for people to seek out relationships and companionship. It was normal and you were fine. You weren’t any saint either. You’d dated someone briefly and, if you were honest with yourself, you could’ve stayed in that relationship. It was nice and easy. Simple. But you didn’t love him and you weren’t sure if you ever could. 

The problem of loving Robby - still being in love with Robby - was that he stood witness to your most intimate memories of love. There were stories woven into your bones that bore witness to the man he was and how he loved you. They were told in joy and tragedy, laughter and sadness. When Nathan kissed you, the earth kept spinning. He didn’t taste of bourbon or smell of leather and sandalwood. He didn’t spend time in the backyard sanding down tables or staining decks. He didn’t wear glasses that somehow slid minute by minute inch down his nose until he subconsciously tilted his head back to see.

In the end, you left because of one glaring fact: Nathan would never be - could never be - Robby.  

Dr. Collins told Whitaker to come with her for a teaching experience - an unconscious unhoused man was being brought in. Whitaker quickly moved to follow her lead in grabbing a pair of gloves just in time for the paramedics to wheel in the gurney. Said man was very much unconscious and appeared very much unhoused. 

Your time playing the gawking bystander had come to an end and you needed to get to 7 North. You pushed away from the counter when you were stopped by the resident from earlier barreling into your line of sight. 

“Dr. Fullerton? I’m Dr. Samira Mohan - R3. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Dr. Mohan stuck out her hand and you accepted it warmly. Besides the obvious annoyance from Robby hounding her existence, it seemed Dr. Mohan was friendly. She held a kind air about her that reminded you of Robby - only now that kindness held an edge of grumpiness because his empathy was playing an overwhelming game. By the sleepless bags under his eyes, you could tell he was losing. 

You wanted to point the probability of this out to her, maybe offer her a consultation for Robby’s apparent hard-ass demeanor, but quickly shoved it off. 

“It’s nice to meet you, as well, Dr. Mohan.”

“Would it be okay if I could confer with you later?” Dr. Mohan’s eyes shifted to where Dana stood only inches away. “In private?”

You weren’t sure if you should be flattered or wanting to run for the hills. Dana’s eyes practically bore into the back of your head, waiting to hear your answer. You knew no matter what you chose to say this was getting back to Robby. 

Fuck it. 

“Of course, Dr. Mohan. I’ll come and find you after my next patient.”

“Thank you. I look forward to speaking with you.” 

She cut a cautious glance over her shoulder and turned on her heel towards the south hallway. It must have been nice to make an easy exit. It was definitely something you were down to try but Dana stood closer to the counter, her glasses down the bridge of her nose, and accused you with a look of being a troublemaker. Your only defense was a shrug. 

“What?”

“What the hell was that about?”

Your brows converged together as you shrugged again. 

“How am I supposed to know, Dana? I haven’t even talked to her yet.” 

“Talked to who about what?”

Fucking kill me. 

What was with today? Were you unknowingly walking around with a ‘Kick Me,’ sign written by life? You’d gone over two years without ever running into Robby and within an hour in a half, you couldn’t seem to avoid him. 

And why was he standing so fucking close again? 

You didn’t need to glance over to your left to know he was close. The heat of his body, the nudge of his elbow against your arm informed you at breakneck speed you were close. Too fucking close, Michael. 

“Mohan seems to want to speak with Fullerton. In private.”

“You couldn’t just wait for me to answer, Dana?”

The words rose up your throat like bile, acidic with its irritation. You couldn’t help it. You didn’t need this shit. You didn’t know what Dr. Mohan wanted but the cryptic way she asked wasn’t doing you any favors. It was at this moment you finally chose to look in Robby’s direction. He was leaning into his elbow that rested on the counter. Even with his body slightly slouched the height difference was substantial causing you to crane to look up at him. 

The problem with this? He was close enough that your temporal lobe was overloaded with thousands of memories of his thumb gliding across your lips. Large hands taking hold of your neck and tilting you back at just the right angle for his lips to claim yours. 

When you were no longer held hostage to the sensory manipulation your brain concocted, you prayed to whoever was listening that you didn’t look as lovestruck as you felt. By the dark glint in Robby’s eyes, you were doing a piss poor job at being Switzerland. 

“What? So you can conveniently disappear by the end of the shift without any context or explanation? No, thanks. Been there. Done that. Not a fan of the outcome.”

“This bipolar verbal assault is getting real tiring, Dana,” you huffed. 

“Alright. Alright, enough!” Robby cut in. “I expect this behavior from patients, not my staff. Now, Dr. Fullerton, what did Dr. Mohan want to discuss with you?”

“Jesus Christ,” you sighed, “I have no fucking clue, okay? She just asked if she could speak in private and seeing as how she did ask for it to be private, I don’t see why you need to know.” 

“Ugh,” a dry huff of what might have passed for a laugh - a cough maybe? - exited his lips. His brow was drawn tight while he looked at you. No doubt wondering where you’d gained the audacity. “Because this is my emergency department. I’m in charge of the entire thing and I think I need to be aware of what is going on with my staff.” 

“Well, maybe if you stopped acting like an ass to said staff they wouldn’t be seeking outside counsel.”

A mirthless laugh exploded from between his lips. The sound carried part of the disbelief his eyes showed while he took you in. He was no longer leaning against the counter but had his arms crossed against his chest. You weren’t sure if he was looking at you like he wanted to throttle you or found you unbelievable. Neither option would make you a winner if you guessed right.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” he grumbled under his breath. “Are you a fucking counselor all of a sudden?”

“And what if I was? I would ask if you’d require my services, but we both know you’re allergic to seeking help.” 

You should’ve stopped while you were ahead. You were bringing up personal shit - inviting a possible fucking mess to happen - and yet you couldn’t help yourself. You kept poking the proverbial bear and damn it, you weren’t exactly sure you felt bad about doing it. Were you so desperate for a reaction from him - after all this time? What the hell was it going to prove? 

You watched the storm of emotions roll in. The deep set of his forehead and the dark clouds that zapped all residual warmth from his eyes. You weren’t sure if Robby was even aware he’d taken a step towards you, jaw flexing, and body slowly seeping into whatever free space you had left. 

Whatever words he would’ve said died in the aftermath of hearing shouts a few rooms down. It jarred you both out of your staring contest and sent him into action. One minute he was standing in front of you, the next, he was running to see what the commotion was. 

The second Robby was removed from your space, you took a deep breath in. Why did it feel like you were in a constant state of fight or flight? Your answer came in a set of blue eyes who homed in on you the moment Robby was gone. 

“When’s your next smoke break?” 

“Who says I still smoke?” 

“Dana, be serious. The day you quit smoking is the day hell freezes over. So - when?”

She regarded you for a moment. The scale in her mind no doubt weighed if this was going to be worth her time or possibly ruining her nicotine break. 

“I usually take it around 9:30. Why? You suddenly have the urge to open up?”

“Do you want to talk or not?.”

She could bitch, make jokes, and moan and groan all she wanted. You knew offering up a chance to talk would be all Dana would need to agree. Was it something you honestly wanted to do? Not really. Were you willing to do it so that at least you had one less person hounding you the rest of your shift? 

Abso-fucking-lutely.

“Ah, what the hell. I’ll see you on break kid.” 

A sigh of relief eased through you and you prayed Dana hadn’t noticed. You didn’t think she’d agree but, now that she had, you had a tiny ounce of hope this day wasn’t going to be so much of a shit show. 

“What was all that screaming about?”

You knew the question wasn’t directed at you. Robby must have made his return and the soft laughter wasn’t what you expected to hear. 

“We seem to have involuntarily just admitted rats,” he replied. 

“You’re kidding?” Dana scoffed. 

“If only I was. Whitaker was saying it was about three or four of them.” 

“And on that note,” you drummed your hands on the counter, “I am going to 7 North.” 

It wasn’t until you went to take a step forward you noticed the weight on your left foot. A weight that felt like something was sitting directly on it. You looked down just in time to watch a rat - a damn rat - scurry off your foot to run around the edge of the nursing station. 

What you did next wasn’t your proudest moment. You even used to pride yourself on being rational when it came to rodents. The shout that clawed its way from the depths of your stomach proved you wrong at lightning speed. 

You felt your body jump backward and collide with Robby. His hands were on your hips to steady you. You were bouncing back and forth on your heels, eyes scanning the area to make sure no further surprises snuck up on you. Your arms were bunched up at your sides and you were trying to talk yourself down from sweeping the remaining area with your leg. Just for good measure.

It was the feeling of his hands on your waist, the soft sound of his chuckle touching your hair that brought you careening back down to earth. Robby was close. Not like last time when your arms touched - closer than when he followed behind you into Allan's room. Even through your scrubs, you could feel the scorching heat of his palms spreading like wildfire through the fabric that sent your heart racing. 

He should’ve let go by now. The threat of you possibly knocking him over or you both tripping and falling was over. He could let go. He could just let go, but Robby’s hands were holding you firmly in place with neither of you willing to move. You refused to look behind you - afraid of what he might see if you did.

You were afraid of what you might see if you dared to look too. 

Slowly, you took a step forward, disengaging his hands from you. The sensation of loss was instant and you almost stepped back into him. Your body and mind were at war between desire and being rational. Fuck being rational. There was nothing rational about the way your heart brutalized your ribs. The need to ask stupid fucking questions that no longer mattered. The consuming way your body craved for him to wrap his large hand around your throat, whispering words of filth into your ear. 

You had to get away before you made a mistake. 

“Sorry about that. I’m going to just, ugh, go do my rounds now.”

You didn’t turn around while you softly spoke. You may have been delusional at times, but you weren’t crazy. If you looked back and Robby’s eyes gave away any hint of emotion - anything that sparked that dying ember of hope inside you - you would crumble. 

You should’ve fought harder to stay upstairs in family medicine or threatened Gloria with firing you. You were safer there. Now, you were rushing off to remember what patient room you were going to with Robby’s cologne clinging to your skin. 

You were a pain in the ass. But you were his pain in the ass. 

Used to be, his mind reminded him. 

Could still be, came his stupid heart's reply. 

Robby used to love it when you challenged him; called him out on his bullshit. You weren’t afraid to stand in the current of his disapproval or to openly have a debate, especially when you could see he was missing something. You challenged each other to be open-minded to change, because it happened so fast, and to accept that being wrong wasn’t failure but a moment to grow and learn. 

When you both stopped being open with one another, and being honest with yourselves, was when the challenging energy took a turn. Everything felt like a confrontation. Even in moments when the constructive criticism came from colleagues - from you - it felt like an attack he had to defend against. 

Robby saw it in you too. The small hints of walls slowly being built to keep the inquiries at bay. When your responses become short and brief or not at all. 

Now, before nine o’clock, you were in the Pitt not only wreaking havoc on his already fragile mental state but accusing him of…what? When you’d thrown the counselor's comment at him, Robby wanted to rage. How many times was it the main part of your arguments near the end of your relationship that he needed to talk to somebody? Anybody. How many times did he deny it? 

You’d thrown it in from the sidelines and it jarred him so much, Robby felt disoriented. For the briefest moment, Robby forgot that you were no longer together. His mind reflexively thought you were arguing about the same old tired thing. He’d taken a step toward you and wanted to ask, “And what about you?” 

You who wasn’t as honest and open with yourself just like him. There were things left unsaid between the two of you - the things that eventually buried the hatchet too far in to safely remove. 

What about all the times he’d found you in the bathroom sitting against the tub crying in the middle of the night? Your panic attacks and OCD tendencies that started after…

Every time Robby reached out to be there for you, your response was always the same. 

“It’s nothing, Michael.”  “I’m fine.”  “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

Sure, Robby wasn’t open and was guarded in his own right but neither were you. Where he used to read the transcript of your emotions so delicately on your face, you’d closed yourself off to him and he no longer knew how to get in. 

An angry shout from down the South hallway thankfully tore his attention back to reality. His feet were already moving him robotically forward where he could see Olson entering Central 15. 

“Whoa, whoa what is going on?”

Robby directed the question specifically to one of his many team members in the room. Thankfully, Kiara started to explain or, more appropriately attempted to explain but he couldn’t fucking think through all the damn shouting. 

“Ok, ok, okay ENOUGH!” Robby couldn’t believe he was already raising his voice. Yelling at grown-ass adults like they were children. “This is a hospital. This isn’t ‘ The Jerry Springer Show’.” Although it was really, really starting to fucking feel like it with the morning he was having. “Ma’am, nobody’s trying to take your child. So why don’t you stay here with him while your husband talks to our social worker outside and straightens all this out?”

“Well, I don’t want him speaking for me and my son.”

It was clear by the wavering of her voice, that this was a tough spot for the mom to be in. Robby could sympathize but what he couldn’t sympathize with was starting a miniature war zone in one of his rooms. 

“Well, it is either you or him. Your son is not leaving, but you can be escorted out and even arrested if you refuse to cooperate. Nobody wants that. So you tell us. What do you want to do?”

Robby knew the answer before she replied. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that this mother didn’t fiercely love her son. Whatever situation the husband did to get them in this position was unfortunate, but the only option they had now was to press forward. 

“I’m staying with my son.”

“Ok, great. You do that. Are we all on the same page here?”

The last question he sent out was rhetorical. A feeler to see if anyone else was confused about what was about to happen and if further clarification was needed. God, Robby sincerely hoped it’d all been made crystal clear what the only two real options were; the only choice being to cooperate. 

“You okay?”

Robby could see Langdon was shaken up. It could be a lot dealing with a combative patient - harder when it was a parent just trying to make the right choices for their child. You were always the best at coming in and soothing cases like this one. Somehow able to give relief and comfort while giving the most gut-wrenching news of a parent's life while calmly explaining the next steps. You were able to keep people from feeling lost in the bad news and prepare them for the onslaught of change. 

Robby waited until Langdon confirmed he and Dr. King were good before he walked out of the room. Regarding parents with kids, Robby almost forgot Teresa asked to speak with him about David. 

Central 12 was just a few steps away from Langdon’s patient. It was close to being comfortable but too close to give Robby time to think. He felt out of his element here because he was running out of options. He wanted to help Teresa, because, while she did this to help her son, she knowingly put her own life at risk to get him the help he needed. 

But isn’t that what parents did?  

At times, they blindly waded into the fire if it meant that their child would be safe. 

All Robby could do was watch and listen while he told her about how he left. While he followed up her questions with his own and did his best to try and ward off the sick feeling burying itself inside his gut. 

“Do you think David would hurt anyone?”

Even allowing the question to come out of his mouth made a rush of nausea swell back behind his tongue. He didn’t want to ask it. Nobody wants to ask any parent if they think their child - a fucking child - could be capable of harming another human being. 

Robby carried his thoughts on the reasons why young men are more prone to violence these days. With idiotic podcast hosts spewing their hatred for women who were goal-oriented and not focused on babying them like their mothers. Boys who were told to bottle up their emotions: “Don’t share your feelings. Don’t get caught crying,” unless you want to be told that you were weak. There was so much bullshit in the world for kids to have to contend with these days that Robby didn’t find it surprising a lot of them were overloaded - overwhelmed by a constant flurry from the world to be someone different than who they are. 

Robby had plenty of talks with Jake about these things. He found it easy to lean into him with the both of them connecting during shared trips and quiet nights at the house. Robby made sure his stepson knew that Robby would always be a safe place for him to land. When the world got too crazy and if he couldn’t tell his mom Janey, Robby would be there. 

Because that’s what parents do - willingly walk through fire if it meant their kid would be okay.

“The nasal swab came back negative for COVID, RSV, and Flu - which is a good thing.” 

“Then what’s wrong? What about her eyes?”

The her in question was a three-year-old named Jasmine who was vocally letting you both know that she was not in a good mood, which was very fair. Nobody liked being sick. The only issue with her actively voicing her bad mood was that any high octave screams were soon followed up by a violent cough. 

The moment you stepped inside the room you’d been worried about RSV, especially because of her age. Lungs sounded clear with slight wheezing indicated in the upper left lobe. Thankfully, all major possible viruses came back negative. The unfortunate thing was that this specific viral infection just meant mom was going to have to ride it out.

“It’s still a viral infection. The conjunctivitis, since it started coming from both eyes this morning, it’s from the infection and sinus blockage. The whites of her eyes aren’t red in any way. The best thing to do is apply a compress every few hours on the eyes to help with drainage, saline drops, or spray on the nose to help clear up the congestion and suction as often as you can. Over-the-counter cough medicine is fine unless you need a prescription?”

“No, no, it’s okay. We have some at home. So, she’s okay?”

“Yes, perfectly fine. I just recommend having her sleep elevated to help with drainage and if you have a humidifier, use it. Follow up with her pediatrician in two to three days or come back to the ER if any new or persistent symptoms occur.”

“Thank you so much, doctor.”

“You’re so welcome. Make sure to wait for a nurse before leaving. I hope you feel better, Jasmine.”

 You gave them both a wave before exiting out of the quiet of the room and back into the noise. The nurse assigned to the room came over and held out a tablet and pen for you to take. Quickly, you scribbled a signature down, because doctors were notoriously known for sketchy penmanship, and began to walk towards a nursing station. 

Technically, you did have a second option you could take before throwing yourself into the next patient room. Dr. Mohan asked to speak with you. She didn’t necessarily give a time or a preference. It was more focused on secrecy, which you found a little odd. This was Pittsburgh Medical Trauma Center - it was a rare thing to have a private conversation here. You were curious to find out what it was Mohan wanted, a bigger part of you wasn’t ready for the headache of Robby undoubtedly finding out later. The worst option: is if you were the one who had to tell him to be the advocate for his resident.

The scent of his cologne still held tight to the fabric of your scrubs. Slowly, it was beginning to fade but if you leaned in close enough to your right shoulder you could almost get a hint of -

“Dr. Fullerton.”

You were a millisecond away from calling out, “I wasn’t doing anything!”. Was it too early in the shift to consider a name change?

Glancing over your shoulder, you find Gloria making her way towards you. Each step in your direction sent your fight or flight raging back into gear because fuck no. Between Gloria and Robby, the two of them were about to have you so damn stressed out there was a high chance for premature balding to occur. 

“Oh no. I’ve had enough surprises from you today.”

“I just wanted to have a chat - “

“And definitely enough of those,” you shot back. 

You weren’t exactly sure why you kept moving. If previous experiences told you anything, it was that she would follow you until you stopped on your own or she got you into a corner. At least stopping to face her was a choice compared to being cornered with no way out. 

Resigning to your fate, you took in a big meditative breath through your nose and turned around. 

“What can I help you with, Gloria?”

Your voice was so monotone you sounded like a robot. 

“I’m glad you’ve decided to stop running and actually talk to me like an adult.”

“I’m sorry, Gloria. You brought me down here to assist in decreasing triage wait times and that is what I am doing. Stopping to have a chat with you will reflect poorly on my scores.”

“Cute,” She bit back. The smile on her face was too harsh to be genuine. “Well, it’s funny you mention scores. I’ve been keeping an eye on the numbers and the system is showing barely any signs of process or improvement. Can you explain why that is?”

The simplest answer you could’ve given her came with one name, one word, and one human being. Robby. Robby was your fucking problem; the bane of your existence. 

Gloria shoved you down here not knowing all the variables that could hinder productivity. There were moments of clarity where your brilliance shined through and in a matter of seconds it evaporated again. Realistically, it was your fault. Your inability to control your stupid fucking emotions - you didn’t need to react every time you saw him. 

How could you not react when Robby did exactly the same? 

You weren’t stupid. You’d spent years, months, days, and hours with him. Every minute is accounted for in conversations and touch. It wasn’t insanity (although the jury was still out on that one) that made you believe - to fucking notice - Robby was affected too. 

But no way in hell were you divulging any of your innermost thought demons to Gloria. 

“Look around, Gloria,” you said, arms opening up to motion around the Central rooms. “There are no beds available. You ask for solid care, for good patient satisfaction scores and that requires multiple factors. To be a good doctor you have to listen to the patient's chief complaint that they’ve been waiting almost eight hours to tell you.”

“I am well aware of the current wait times in triage, Dr. Fullerton.”

“Oh, that’s awesome. Problem solved then because once we assess them and decide they need monitoring and tests to ascertain the issue, it’s only another three to six-hour wait. Maybe longer if it’s life-threatening. Not to mention if any trauma patients come rolling through the red zone adding another twenty-five to fifty minutes on their time.”

“I don’t see what any of this has to do with not having any beds. Not every situation in triage necessarily requires a bed to be seen.”

“Gloria, your precious Press Ganey scores are going to stay low if a patient doesn’t get back to a room. You can make beds available by sending people upstairs or how about removing the deceased guy in nineteen who’s been posted here since before I arrived?” 

“Robby is in charge of contacting the coroner's office about picking up the deceased.”

“And yet, the body is still here,” you pondered. “I know Robby, Gloria. He wouldn’t knowingly leave someone’s loved one here if it didn’t mean the coroner is backed up, which means our morgue must house him until then. And why are you complaining to me like I'm attending here? Robby is the attending - “

“I’m well aware of that - “

“You keep saying you’re well aware, Gloria but the fact is it feels like you’re not. It’s easy to come down here making demands but the reality is without the proper staffing and moving boarders out of the emergency department to free up space the numbers will never fucking change. Sending one doctor down here isn’t going to change shit.”

“Are you just about done, Dr. Fullerton?” She did a dramatic pause to allow you time to cut in. “The board and its administration are well aware of the pressures that staff face down here in the emergency department - that all hospitals are currently facing shortages. The fact of the matter is studies show close to seventy-five percent of ER visits are non-life threatening, which means more than half of those patients could be fairly seen in triage without needing a room.”

You could feel your mouth opening; primed for a response that Gloria was not going to let you detonate. Her hand waved to warn you not to cut her off. 

“I don't want to hear any more about boarding or staffing. I want to see the results, Dr. Fullerton. It’s already bad enough that there are rats inside.”

“To be fair, they piggybacked on an unconscious unhoused man, so,” you shrugged. If looks could kill, you’d have dropped dead right then and there. “Not helpful?”

“No. Not helpful,” she confirmed. “I do, however, have a proposition for you.”

You sucked in a sharp breath through your teeth. The earlier annoyance at seeing Gloria twice in less than two hours of your shift changed course. Dread ice cold and paralyzing coiled in the pit of your stomach. You didn’t like where this was going. 

“Is there a pass option?”

“This is an offer from myself and the administration. So, no, there isn’t a ‘pass option.’ How would you like to be considered for an attending position?”

“No.” 

The word barreled out of you without thinking. You didn’t need to think about this proposition Gloria, the administration, or whoever was trying to dangle in front of you. It was any doctor's dream to become an attending at a facility - it made you the doctor. 

You didn’t want it like this. 

“You didn’t even hear the terms.”

“I don’t need to hear them to know that you’re trying to be sneaky.”

“Robby is failing to meet standards -“

“Robby is a fucking good physician.” You fumed. “He’s one of the best physicians in trauma medicine you have here outside of Abbot.”

“No one is disputing that, Dr. Fullerton. The board is open to having you both down here during the morning shift, maybe even making a swing shift for you to help between shifts.”

You raked your hands over your face scrubbing hard to try and cut off a mirthless laugh that came out in patches between your fingers. 

“No - you want me to be a Judas. It’ll be a swing shift until you can get whatever data you need to confirm whatever fucked up plan you’re making.”

“Dr. Fullerton -“

“No!” You didn’t mean to shout the word at her. Or maybe you had. Whatever it was, it surprised you both. You should be quieter - don’t draw attention but your heart was thrashing wildly. Your hand swiped through the air to cut her off before she could attempt to continue. You didn’t want to fucking hear it. “Robby is a damn fine physician and to try and - I don’t fucking know, get rid of him because he doesn’t kiss the boards or your ass is fucking stupid. I don’t know half of what Robby or Abbot knows. I’m not them and it would be beyond idiotic to lose him.”

“Your opinion will be taken into consideration and I’ll dismiss your…outburst, for now, because of the current situation. But make no mistake, Dr. Fullerton this will move forward with, or without, you.”

You wondered if any natural disasters were named Gloria. It seemed possible since she came and created an instant upheaval of your day, completely devastating it in a matter of minutes and once she was done simply went about her day like nothing happened.  

She left you to deal with the aftermath. The rushing thoughts with a million questions - thousands of things you should’ve said to defend Robby. There were dozens of ways you could prove her wrong about him - that he fucking cared about his patients and was such a damn good doctor, phenomenal at times, that to equate all that he was and all that he did down to a simple metric of numbers was fucking ridiculous. 

All the sound in the room began to drown out around you. Somewhere in the background of the hum you heard a shout for help. It could be Code Blue. It could be anything. You tried to get your body to react, but the hurricane of anxiety was sweeping in fast and you were running out of air. 

You needed to sit. You had to act normal because the last thing you needed was Princess or Dana or fucking anybody else coming over to speak with you. Your hands used the counter like a rope to pull you along to the nearest computer. You quickly sat down and swiped your credentials to enter the computer, quickly clicking on anything just to appear busy. 

“How are you holding up today?”

The last person you expected to see at that very moment was Heather Collins. What did you expect? This was an emergency room and doctors worked inside of it. She offered up a close-lipped smile that matched the kindness in her eyes. She was genuinely wanting to know how you were doing and for the first time, you hated the question because you couldn’t answer it. 

Not truthfully, anyway. Who was ever truthful in answering that specific question?

So, you painted on a grin that more than likely resembled a grimace and prayed you didn’t look as tired as you felt. 

“It’s been…an adjustment.”

“What’s taking adjusting?”

Good god, this man was fucking everywhere. 

Robby came into view as he moved across the station to get to the opposite computer. The question was thrown out carelessly; he didn’t expect a response. He was pulling out his glasses and sliding them over his nose, his full focus on the screen. Test results thankfully took priority over your response. 

You were quickly forgotten by Collin’s who walked over to where Robby read the test results. She waited until he removed his glasses and stood to his full height. 

“Please don’t tell me you are going to intubate that poor old man?”

“It’s what the family wants.”

“So what? They want to torture him?”

“I explained all that.” 

It was painfully obvious this was a case you knew nothing about. By the sound of it, you were willing to bet five dollars that it was one of the elderly patients from a home who came in a little after 7:30 that morning. It meant it wasn’t your case. You didn’t need to know the information and you could continue counting down backward from ten while you reminded yourself that no, you weren’t Judas and -

“Dr. Fullerton, if a family came in -“

Fucking hell, you needed to stop zoning out. You brought your attention back to the two of them, wondering what you missed.

“You don’t need to ask her,” Robby interjected.

Collins continued like he’d never spoken. 

“And they had durable power over an elderly family member who had a pre-existing DNR. His family wants to intubate. It’s not what he wants. Whose choice do you honor?”

“What are you doing?” 

A singular brow of hers arched in defiance. 

“Asking for a second opinion.”

“I didn’t ask for one.”

They continued to bicker about the decision Robby made to not fight for a dying man’s wishes. You would’ve told Collins to let it go because once Robby’s mind was made up, it was like talking to a wall. Maybe she already knew that. 

God, what fucking twilight zone episode were you stuck in? You actively wanted the floor to open up and swallow you whole. Your eyes darted to the time on the bottom of the screen and you had to fight to keep your forehead from landing with a thud on the keyboard. It was only 9 o’clock. There were ten more hours of this day and you needed it to be over. 

Robby released a sigh that reflected how exhausted you felt. It wasn’t a physical exhaustion but one of the soul; a weariness that vines grew thorns and were beginning to tear you slowly open. You could feel your legs wanting to shift out of the chair and go to him. The urge was so strong your hands scrunched into fists to keep from moving - to quell the urge because he wasn’t yours anymore and you weren’t his. 

“Shit.”

“What?”

Robby’s best magic trick? Deflecting. Whenever he wanted the current conversation to end, and didn't like where it was heading, he diverted it completely into something else. Anything else that kept him from having to continue down a conversation he wanted no part of. You knew that trick all too well. 

“I got to go tell those parents their 18-year-old son is brain-dead.” 

“You want me to go with you?”

It should’ve been you offering to go with him. A comfort to the harbinger of bad news because it was never easy to give it. Never easy to stand in the storm of grief and simply be a bystander while their world ends in a matter of words. 

What did it matter who went with him? Who offered? At the end of the day, a family was forever going to be encapsulated by a loss too many people unfortunately knew. 

Vaguely, you caught the end of their argument. Robby wanted to perform an apnea test and a cerebral perfusion study. Dr. Collins didn’t agree. It offered the family false hope but Robby was right - maybe it did offer a false sense of hope, but with each test completed and results read off it was a graceful way to ease a family into acceptance. It gave them the time to process and grieve and come to the very heavy realization their son wouldn’t be going home with them. 

“They need time to process before they can accept what’s happening.”

“You ever consider taking that advice? Physician, heal thyself.”

Dear floor, please fucking open up wide so you can just swan dive right on in. Thanks a bunch. 

Heather knew. She fucking knew about the wall of grief - of acceptance - Robby himself was unable to accept. The King of dishing out advice left and right but unyielding in taking it. Suddenly, all the cool reserve of not caring about them dating evaporated in a crushing wave of heartbreak you shouldn’t have felt in the first place. 

Did he tell her about you? Did he share with her about…about what happened? Was he able to open up to her in ways he stopped doing with you? Their relationship was gone, but the respect and care were still there. 

The irritation came off him in waves. You should’ve told her Robby’s least favorite thing is being told to take his own advice. Or to heal for that matter. Oh, and to also maybe seek therapy. All three of those would turn his mood sour and aggravate him to peak levels at hyper speed. 

He shoved his hands down into his hoodie. His head swiveling between Collins and probably anywhere else in the ED. 

“Don’t you have patients?” 

There it was. The dismissal. The, in not so many words, “I’m done talking to you about this and everything else,” so he could make a quick exit. The magician's last trick before his temper was lost. 

Don’t look up. Do not look up. Don’t fucking do it. 

You didn’t need to look up. There wasn’t any reason to do so. You weren’t on their radar the last half of their conversation. You were just a bystander to a miniature car crash. The issue with crashes? Everyone who drove by couldn’t stop themselves from looking. 

The itch between your shoulder blades was your first warning sign. The weight of his gaze was bearing down on you. You didn’t have to react to it but it was a reflex to look up for him. To search for him in every crowded room and find yourself wishing he was there when he wasn’t. 

Your eyes found he was still looking at you. An in-house debate flashed across his features. If it was whether or not to come to you, you hope he chose not to. You just need a few moments of space. It was too much. You’d run from him and now he was just here all the time and -

“Why are you looking at puppies? You getting a dog?”

“What?”

For the first time since you’d opened the computer, you realized whoever was on it last left it open to an ad for a puppy. 

“Oh, no. This wasn��t me. Hey, earlier did someone shout a Code Blue?” 

You could also perform your own magical change of subjects. Robby took a moment to answer before giving a curt nod. 

“Whittaker’s patient that’d been placed in the hall. If you heard it, why didn’t you go assist? All hands on deck for a code, you know that.”

God, was he chastising you right now? A flood of irritation rippled over your skin. You wanted to snap at him. You weren’t a med student. But he was frustratingly right - you’d heard it and instead of running you’d kept yourself here. 

And Whitaker. It was his first patient of the day. He’d been so excited that he’d done good. He’d gotten praise from Dr. Robby about his work up and Whitaker wouldn’t shut up about it. It meant something to him. 

“I’ll go see if they need someone to switch.”

You went to get up but Robby was too close. If you got up from the chair you would bump straight into his chest. 

“You okay?”

The sudden care behind the question jarred you. How did he expect you to answer? There was no way you could be honest with him - not at that second. He was supposed to go break the worst news a parent could ever receive and he was worried about you. He should be worried for himself. You could warn him about Gloria but what good would it do if he thought you might possibly be in on it with her? Your sudden reappearance, while inconvenient, hadn’t raised suspicion like an ulterior motive waited in the wings just yet. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. You?”

“Never better.”

His smile held every worn line of fatigue that signaled his lack of sleep. His attempt at strength in a moment he refused to seek outside help. You found the same words Dr. Collins asked moments before crawling their way up your throat before you swallowed them back down. He wouldn’t change his mind and agree just because it was you. 

You wanted to be there because whether he voiced it or not, this kid whose family was seconds away from being told was gone wasn’t that much older than Jake. A single accident of taking non-prescribed Xanax ended his life. Jake was a good kid. You wanted to reach out and take his hand and tell him Jake would never - Jake was different. 

Jake was still a kid. 

Robby didn’t wait for you to reply before he headed towards the room. You kept telling yourself to get up and move. Go find Whitaker and the team performing cpr on his patient and do your part. Between everything that’s happened this morning: being forced down with Robby, seeing Robby, Dr. Mohan requesting to speak with you, Gloria’s ultimatum and now the news this young kid didn’t make it you were officially mentally exhausted. 

You needed to move but by the time your legs finally lifted out of the seat, Robby told them. The mother’s wail of agony resounded through the room and rose in octaves. The soul-wrenching loss of her child, her baby, turned the Pitt into a mausoleum of mourning. Her cries followed you down the hallway until you reached the curtain where Whitaker and others were on their third round of Epi, and you could see the continued despair evident in the room. 

It was barely 9 AM and you already wanted to fucking go home. 

As always, thank you so much for reading! Reblogs and comments are always appreciated <3

Tag list: @whatdoesntkillyoumakesyoustrange @travelingmypassion @jupiter-sky @catsgoogander @rosiepoise88 @It-jakeseresin @blackpopcorn @celmentine111002 @dcgoddess

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - I'm using the word "ridiculous" a lot

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Dec 2024 Week 3

Ongoing Series - Thai

Your Sky (Sun iQIYI) ep 5 of 12 - OMG they’re so fucking cute I can’t stand it. It’s too much. Everyone is adorable. Including the father. (That said, I wouldn’t recommend watching Naughty Babe with your dad. That’s a big leap there, cutie pie.) The 10 minutes of holding hand negotiation and then finally walking together across campus was truly fucking fantastic. This show is GLORIOUS. Now we also know when it finally does move from dreams to reality, that these two can kiss.

Actual name of this show?

How to Train Your Seme

Speaking of names, Fah's brother, whose name I forget, is now going to referred to by me as Sarcastic Cupid. Because that is his role in this narrative. I love him very much.

On a completely different note, and I know this is not that kind of show, but this is me so I have to say it, if these two ever do have sex it’s gonna take them hours. They just gonna spend half the night negotiating. Which is kind of tantric, but my goodness would they even make it into bed?

ThamePo (Fri YT) ep 2 of 12 - i just love this show!!!! so happy to have this one my screen. The dads have to save the little musical family! So cute! And illegally pretty.

Love Sick 2024 (Sun iQIYI) ep 14 of 15 - They substantially took steps to fix Phun‘s dad character in the new version and I really like that a lot. I'm chronicling my experience with 2024 as compared to 2014 here. 

Caged Again (Fri Gaga) ep 7 of 10 - Why is this absurd show so damn good? When Sun has to beg it’s just too much. It’s too sweet and aching and hurtful and wonderful. Catnip = the sex herb trope was not anything I’ve ever thought I would see in my lifetime. Okaaay now. Relax little show. Too far.

Fourever You (Thurs YT) ep 12 of 16 - The extended version is clearly better. But I’m not gonna bother to pay for it. Again, I’m liking the new couple more and more each week. I still prefer the first couple of course cause Pond but it’s enjoyable enough.

Note: I'm super grateful for those posting them as clips here on the hellsite. Because man can these boys kiss!

The Heart Killers (Weds Gaga) ep 4 of 12 - this show is so entirely and utterly ridiculous. I don’t even know what to do with it or myself. Or what to say. Carry on, I guess?

Also I don't know what GMMTV is smoking to tease this one, but I'll take a hit next time they pass the BL bong.

Perfect 10 Liners (Sun YT?) ep 7 of 24 - I am living for Pond & Sand. they are pretty much all I care about. Yes including the upcoming couples. I just want pond sand. sure the main couple was fine it was a perfectly serviceable ending to their arc such as it was. All in all I enjoyed this episode big smile on my face most of the time.

Secret Love (????) 1-60 of 81 eps - Someone dropped a cut together of episodes one through 60, and I actually quite enjoyed it. It’s a total soap opera and very much a pulp. But I kind of love that right now. Frankly, 1-60 is a completed story arc. If you want that. I will probably watch the whole thing if anybody ever uploads it or it turns up grey anywhere. But this was quite satisfying. Ridiculous but charming fluff about two stepbrothers, who aren’t really stepbrothers, who have loved each other forever and are reunited under trying family circumstances. 7/10 passes the sniff test

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Our Youth AKA Miseinen: Mijukuna Oretachi wa Bukiyo ni Shinkochu (Japan Tues Gaga) ep 7 of 11 - ARGH. The pain. what an absolutely stellar show. I can't believe we are only on ep 7!

See Your Love (Taiwan Weds Gaga) ep 9 of 13 - I love it. This show is fantastic. It’s classic BL, it’s hitting all of the tropes, and it reminds me of some of the best that Taiwan has done in the past. I’m charmed and enjoying it immensely. Taiwan isn’t great on endings so I’m reserving judgment, but what a current highlight to my week. I like these boys so much. Please be kind to me and them, Taiwan?

Eternal Butler (Taiwan Fri Gaga) eps 1-2 of 12 - Ever 4, a sophisticated AI combat robot, becomes the personal butler/bodyguard to Luo Bu Shi, a spoiled yet lonely young heir. And I like it a lot. Odd with a very old fashioned yaoi feel. Also actually kinky (not Thai kinky), I mean it's no JBL but I like it. Dommed into reading = hot. 

Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YT) ep 12 of ? - I love our new rescuer, he v cute! Nice addition to the cast. I hope we get more of him. Otherwise, this was more of the same. I’m getting pretty fatigued with this bully stuff at this juncture.

Love in the Air: Koi no Yokan (Japan Sat Gaga) ep 8 end - A lackluster adaptation of some already questionable content, that managed to lose all the limited charm and massive chemistry of the original. It was a mistake to do with less runtime not to mention put both climaxes in the final episode.  Too much all at once. By dividing up the two rescues and keeping them exclusive to their respective couples they highlighted the formulaic nature of the narrative and weakened the foundational friendships. The best thing about the original was the friendships both between the semes and the ukes. By having each boyfriend simply rescue his own boy without help, we didn’t get to see the depth of those friendships at all. For this reason, this installment was weaker than the original. My final feeling at the end was simply “OK whatever” not a ringing endorsement. 7/10 but barely that.

It's airing but......

Spare Me Your Mercy (Thurs iQIYI) ep 5 of 8 - on hold because it went out side genre conventions and I'm not sure what to expect. I'm waiting until it ends, then if safe I will binge.

Be Moon - Falling for my enemy's son (China YT) movie from HBD Studio airing in short bits but I couldn't find any this week.

Winter Is Not The Death of Summer (Thai ???) - has been picked up to air on WeTV, or something? Criminals who meet in prison fall in love. I did find it on YouTube, initially un-subbed, then subs happened by which time I got distracted. The first episode seems to be only six minutes long. It is very pulp. But it is intriguing. For now it's to the wayside until someone tells me it landed safely. Occasionally Thai pulps want to be edgy and it's not a good look on them.

0.5D (Japan ????) 4 eps - Supposedly a completed short. "Sales ace, Sada, has a secret that only his junior, Daiki, knows. He has pretended to have a gf for years, resulting in him being a virgin. But now Sada has fallen in love. Confused, Sada seeks advice from his junior." I sense another queer Cyrano De Bergerac. I can't find and it's good very poor review so Imma stop looking. Info here.

The Renovation (Thai mini One31) 2 eps - Writer turns his blossoming romance with holiday resort owner into a novel. Eh is it worth trying to find?

It Ended But?

Blue Canvas of Youthful Days (China Sun Viki) paused at eps 9-10 of 12 - I have been told the ending is OK if not great. I’m gonna hold off for a bit.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Final still to come:

12/29 Sangmin Dinneaw (Thai ????) ??eps - trailer Childhood friends (Thai & Korean) reunite after being apart for ten years. As the boys reconnect, their bond matures and feelings of romance begin to develop, in Thai.

Impression of Youth (Taiwan ????) ??eps - rumors are this is supposed to start this month.

Upcoming BLs for 2024 are listed here. This list is not kept updated, so please leave a comment if you know something new or RP with additions.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

10 years later and it's still one of BLs best cuddles (Love Sick)

Always like a seme who asks permission. (Perfect 10)

(last week)

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

[charmac]

i’ve been thinking a lot about seasons 8 and up and i’m pretty sure that the first time dennis says he hates mac is during ‘mac day,’ even though he literally serenaded him only 6 eps earlier in tgdo and bought a house in florida w him the ep before. i saw someone say that dennis fell first but mac fell harder but too late, so basically my theory is that dennis tried to make some kind of move on mac after tgdo but mac was too obtuse/repressed to catch on. then in ‘mac day’ dennis realized that the repression ran so deep that there was no point in even trying anymore, thus resulting in him saying he hates mac

I see where you're coming from, one of the biggest tragedies of Mac and Dennis' relationship is the timing of it all, but that's not the entirety of it.

Dennis very clearly fell first and Mac fell harder (honestly I think anyone who can't see that isn't watching the show properly, lmfao), but I don't agree with the "too late" aspect being the reason why Dennis begins to resent Mac (or that it's because Mac was sexually repressed for so long and that prolonged delay in ~something happening~ ruined them in some way). Leaving the tragedy just down to timing kinda puts Mac and Dennis on an inherent equal ground, which fails to acknowledge Mac and Dennis as individuals with screwy understandings of (and interests in) sex and love...

IMO Dennis would [have] be[en] content maintaining their relationship as it was in the early days, teetering on the line of bromance and homoerotic, as long as it was mutually understood (and a little sacred) between them… It’s clear in MADBU that Dennis doesn't mind how Mac acts in their relationship, he enjoys (if not needs) the deeply emotional dependency…what he's put off by is Dee pointing out how visibly queer they are, defining his relationship without his say (and imo prior to he himself fully recognising it). And the end of MADBU exhibits this quite clearly: once he sits down and faces the facts with Mac, he accepts what their relationship is, even if it's revealing something about himself (and with the cut "beautiful lips" line, it's clear Glenn was playing it with a little “shit.” intended).

The very next episode being The D.E.N.N.I.S. System highlights a beautiful dichotomy that exists with Dennis: he gets off sexually via manipulation, building up a false narrative and feeling the power trip that comes with it, and has little to no interest in connecting emotionally with a woman (in fact, pulling emotions (or even names) into sex ruins it for him)…

Many seasons down the line, we get the truth of what Season 5 established, in a claimed lie “I sleep with women, but I'm emotionally involved with Mac.”

And that being understood makes it hard for me to see this theory as potentially true. I don’t think Dennis’ resentment of Mac was born from an off-screen physical move that Mac rejected in Season 8, but more so grew due to what we did see in Season 8 — Mac trying to make a physical move, which Dennis rejected (and the constant development of Mac not understanding what love is, alongside that).

The majority of S8 Dennis is clearly manic, pursuing as much pleasure as he possibly can and holding himself above the Gang (more than he really has before). In Back in Business, he wants Mac to feel the thrills he feels (mostly sexually) along side him. Charlie Rules the World reestablishes that the two of them are watching Dennis’ tapes together (and Dennis is performing for the camera in them). But in all of these, Mac is a player in Dennis’ games, not the target. The culmination of all of this behaviour leads to the reveal of their monthly dinners… in contrast to the borderline sociopathic way Dennis treats sex the entire season, the month always ends with Mac, in a romantic sense, at face value. (In fact, Dennis really states that this is what their relationship has been, as far back as high school, in his speech—Mac is there. He gives him the “courage” to perform sexually.)

Once you get to Season 9 and Mac’s denial is driving the majority of his thoughts and actions, Dennis grows resentful of him because it’s ruining the dynamic they have. In Mac Day, he gets to see what Mac could be if he wasn’t denying his reality — a [Country] Mac who makes decisions for himself and shares his interests at face value, not as something that should be unique to him and only prop him up. It becomes clear that Mac treats things without regard for anyone’s interests other than his own — pleasure seeking above all else to the point of denying the existence of anything that doesn’t serve him. And yes, the entire Gang do this to various (major) degrees, of course, lmfao, but it’s an issue for Dennis because Mac is now doing it with his homosexuality, and that directly impacts what Dennis has built between them. Their relationship is no longer a codependent, queer bond (that may breech sexual boundaries on specific occasion, when Dennis allows it), it’s now a pleasure seeking opportunity for Mac. And Mac immediately begins to chase that for himself, with no regard as to how Dennis feels about it. Mac's reasoning chugs along the idea of Dennis’ “default willingness” due to the fact that Dennis keeps involving him in all his sex systems and schemes, he and Dennis have something clearly romantic/sexual together, and Dennis loves him… in effect he should get to take this all the way.

So by Seasons 13 and 14, we can see where this put them: Dennis’ peak resentment/hatred of Mac at the height of Mac’s predatory sexual advances toward Dennis… But by Season 16, we end up with this “beautiful” compromise (after Mac’s diligent efforts to get over Dennis before/in S15, good job, Mac) where they have their codependent homoerotic relationship back without Mac’s relentless pursuit for sex… because they’re both getting off in a devoid of names and feelings (well) sex scheme.

So I wonder again… what the hell are we about to walk in to for their relationship this season... I guess I'll get an idea in a few hours 0.0

[docholligay]

An Intercession for Lost Things

This is just more than 3000 words of me getting Hawkeye really drunk so I can write a shocking expose about how fucked up she is without doing a really bizarre internal dialogue thing. Because I haven't seen past Ep 18 of the original, a couple things:

Please don't spoil me for anything! This include anything about the manga or brotherhood

I am totally aware that I am just making shit up, it's fine, no one ever asks "was the making hsit up fun? Did you enjoy it?" just call this AU if you want man idk I'm playing dollies I don't care.

Sometimes you make peace with things to, well, keep the peace. She wasn’t sure how many times she’d told Hawkeye she could just call her Maria outside of work. But she’d had her fill of arguing with crazy people who weren’t going to listen to her anyway, so, Ross it was. 

There was a quick calculation Maria made, any time she saw Hawkeye at that tiny, dark ratskeller with the pool table under the dangling light, sweet tobacco hanging in the air, women laughing. And that calculation was: Which beer was she on? 

Hawkeye sidled up next to her in usual flat front slacks and button up shirt, rolled to the elbow. 

“Ross.” 

None or one. Okay. Easy mode. Hawkeye signaled the bartender, a pretty redhead with clean glasses and a filthy mouth. 

“Two whiskies. The October bottle. ” 

Maria may have miscalculated. 

“I gotcha, champ.” The bartender pushed off the bar and winked toward the two of them. 

In all the time Maria had been in the service, in all the time she had gone here, from the very first time she had seen Hawkeye here and they had exchanged an awkward head tilt, Hawkeye had never bought her a drink. She’d offered to buy Hawkeye one, after a pistols course where Maria’s soul was shaken but her aim vastly improved, and Hawkeye had told her to spend the money on practice ammo. 

A true wonder the woman was still single. 

The whiskies were set in front of them with a lean over the bar just far enough to reveal a peek of cleavage, and Hawkeye slipped a few bills across the bar. She raised her glass to Maria. 

“I heard you’ve finally joined the club.” She looked into the glass. ‘Fullmetal. Good luck.” 

She took a drink, and Maria joined her. It was good whiskey, even. Great. Maybe she should be worried about this job. 

But all she did was take a drink. “I guess I’m lucky Scar is making protecting an alchemist a career option again. I’ve always wanted to be an alchemist’s sentry. They never should have stopped the program.” 

“Circle or no circle.” Hawkeye swirled her glass. “Bullets work on alchemists. They always have. A bullet will work on Scar.” 

Maybe beer three. It was a weird night. 

“Did you recommend me?” 

She looked over at Maria with a look Maria struggled to quickly define. 

“I only mean that you’re a legend in the program and they would listen to you. I would say thank you, you know I wanted--I mean, there’s no one on earth who thinks Colonel Mustang should be alive right now.” 

That might have been a dumb thing to say. But whether it was an extra beer or the whiskey, Hawkeye just chuckled. 

“He keeps me busy.” 

Maria had not been trying to flatter her. It was a statement of fact. Lieutenant Hawkeye was a legend in her own right, at least among anyone who aspired to be a State Alchemist’s personal detail. Back in Ishbal, sentry work was a suicide mission at the luckiest. There were only a handful of them left, so far as Maria knew, and less still in the military. But Hawkeye had survived, and Mustang had survived, enemies both from Ishbal, and, it was said, from within. She’d wanted to really talk with Hawkeye since the day she took her oath. 

Hawkeye’s back was against the bar, looking around the place idly, glancing occasionally at the door. Maria smoothed her skirt and leaned up against the bar. The whiskey was smooth in her mouth, softly wheated and aged. She made a mental note to beg the bartender to tell her what price point she should be reciprocating in. 

“So, I guess, thank you.” 

“Oh,” Hawkeye waved a hand and picked up her whiskey, “Don’t thank me.” 

Maria laughed. “It’s….different. From any post I’ve ever had. I feel like I don’t understand him at all.” 

“It comes.” 

Maria took another sip. “My mother used to have a prayer: Protect me from what I want. I’ve thought about that more than once these past few days.” 

Hawkeye pushed away from the bar and sat down in a dark corner of the room, tilting her head to the chair beside her. “You don’t like it? You wanted it.” 

“It’s not that I don’t like it,” She sat across from Hakweye. “Major Elric is…frustrating. He’s so sure of himself. So sure he knows everything, and can do anything. And doesn’t have to listen to anyone” 

“He’s an alchemist “ Hawkeye took another drink. “Mine’s no better. They’re all like that.” she considered a moment. ‘Maybe not Armstrong.” 

“And they paired me with Brosch.” 

“Well, of course. You’re a woman.” Hawkeye ran her thumb over her glass. 

“Don’t remind me.” This was the moment she had imagined, when she met Hawkeye, that they would swap stories about the war behind the war, having to fight for respect as well as your country.  “You didn’t have a partner.”

“They couldn’t spare the people. By the time they could, I had proved out. And the Colonel didn’t want anyone else.” 

Hawkeye had never said this much to her. Even in that pistols course. It was as if this job was a key that opened something entirely new. 

“You need to work on your situational awareness if you’re going to protect him.” 

Behind the freshly opened door, there might be some of the same old thing. 

“What? I have never had a problem--”

“Ross, why is your back to the door?” Hawkeye took a deep drink. “You have to watch him, and you have to watch you. This is very basic.” 

“Well,” Maria realized she was growing pink. “I would put my back to the door and his in the corner.” 

“You trust him to see something before you do? That’s my point. It’s your job to see it.” Hawkeye stopped, folded her hands in her lap, and paused a moment. “I’m trying to help. That’s all.” 

Maria stood up and took the seat next to her, polished off her drink and looked over at Hawkeye. Fine. Torpedo it then. There was no satisfying this woman. Never meet your heroes. 

“Has anyone ever told you how critical you are? Because I’m going to start.” 

Hawkeye leveled a look at her, intense, searching, and Maria suddenly wondered if hawkeye was an ancestral name or somehow given to her out of observation and deference. 

Then, she smiled. “You aren’t the first.” She pushed out from the table and took Maria’s glass. “I’ll go buy another.” 

The second whiskey went down faster than the first. 

“So then Brosh is sitting there--they are bent over a table, they haven’t eaten, I can see sweat on their clothes, and I bring this up to Brosh and he just. Shrugs.” Maria scoffed. “Is he totally unaware there are more ways to be hurt than getting shot?” 

“No. Never send a man to be a nanny. It’s a sign of the short sightedness of the military that every alchemist minder isn’t a woman.” 

Maria touched the edge of her empty glass. ‘I don’t know if we’re nannies, exactly.” 

“You haven’t been doing this long enough,” She grinned over at Maria, “I spend more time making sure Mustang eats and keeps his calendar than anything else. Very glamorous.” 

“He asks you to do that?” 

Hawkeye shook her head. “He doesn’t ask me to do anything; we don’t ask each other anything. Unless he wants to hear himself talk.” 

“I always admired that.” She put her hand her chin, with a romantic smile. “The way an alchemist and his sentry don’t even have to speak sometimes. They just walk in step with each other. I used to see it, when I was younger, before I joined up. To know someone so well.” 

Hawkeye opened her mouth, and then closed it, finished her drink, and started again.   

“If you’re with Fullmetal long enough, walking in step will be nothing. You’ll begin to know he’s in trouble before he does. His tells: Tired, scared, sad, happy.  You’ll know when to let a mood pass. When to take hold of it. When he’s teasing, when he’s angry. How he fights. The mistakes he makes. I’ll tell you one for free--Elric lets his temper get the better of him. The colonel will always have him, as long as that’s true. He is very good at pissing people off.” 

“What mistake does Colonel Mustang make?” 

Hawkeye stood up. “Here’s another free lesson: Never tell anyone else how to hurt your alchemist. Even you. Even me. I’m getting us another drink.” 

Hawkeye leaned against the bar, more heavily now, her gazeless sharp as it drifted around the room. 

The redhead took a pull off a stubby beer bottle and smiled. “What’s your pleasure?” 

Hawkeye flipped through the bills in her wallet and just laid a stack of them on the bar. “Why don’t you just give me the bottle? Stop bothering you.” 

“That’s certainly a choice a human being can make.” She counted out the bills. “You sure?” 

“Oh, Hawkeye!” Maria turned around, “I haven’t even bought a round.” 

“My friends are always trying to tell me you make money to spend it.” She looked back to the bartender. “Is it a problem?” 

“If it is, it’s your problem now.” She went and grabbed the bottle, and put it on the counter. “I ain’t gonna stop you. Let me know if you want water. I got pretzels behind the bar.” 

Hawkeye picked up the bottle, poured two glasses, and set it down on the table. She looked over at Maria. 

“But he never eats breakfast. That’s a bad habit.” 

Maria raised her glass. She’d take it. 

They were laughing now, the hours pulling long into the night. Maria was unsure about how it had all happened, afraid to break the spell. She’d never seen Hawkeye so at ease, so talkative, a flush in her cheeks, a smile on her face. It was the whiskey and the dark and the night, and maria got the sense Hawkeye had never had the opportunity to tell anyone how to be this thing. What it was like to bind yourself to another person like this. Maria had read many reports and books on the subject, full of facts, but never had she heard things that were so true. 

“Elric accused me of slowing him down. I had known him for 23 seconds.” 

“I can do better,” Hawkeye popped back another shot, “The first time I met Mustang, he told me to try not to fall in love with him, and I thought, ‘It has to be against the rules to hit your alchemist. Surely.’” 

Maria laughed out loud, grabbing for her drink. “How did you not kill him?” 

“I’ve considered it. Several times. But,” she nodded and then shrugged,  “You get attached to them, they get attached to you. It’s a problem of the program. It’s the only way it works. Compromised loyalties, was the concern, I think. And he. He has his moments.”

“Like what? Come on.” Maria poured her some more, and then helped herself. 

“He got his insider in Information--”

“You mean Hughes? Aren’t they friends?” She recapped the bottle. 

“Of course Hughes. But he likes to tell it more dramatically.” She waved a hand. “His insider in information. When my birthday was.

And he bribed someone, or cajoled them, or lied--it’s him, who knows-- to get me a little cake. He was so proud of himself. As we’re sitting out there, he reveals to me he also stole a bottle of wine from the then Colonel Grand’s stash.” 

 Hawkeye looked up with a smile on her face. 

“We sat there and drank it, nearly got caught by military police, ran down this embankment--I had to pull him along, he’s laughing and trying not to lose the bittle of wine--God, we were so young. He trips and falls, rolls down the embankment but,” she laughed, “He did not lose a drop of that wine. He kept laughing about how were getting away with it, and I had to put my hand over his stupid mouth because we hadn’t gotten away with it yet.  Always has his priorities clearly in check. We laid out there and finished it. Just looking at the stars. I think it was the first birthday I really liked.” 

“So strange to imagine Colonel Mustang doing that.” 

“Well the young Major Mustang did all sorts of things like that, always laughing about it. I was constantly having to cover for him. My job would have been so much easier if he would have just been quiet half the time. Or followed the rules. He still talks too much. He’s still a pain in my ass. Even if he doesn’t quite laugh--well. He has his moments.” 

Maria tilted her head back in the sort of sudden irritation that can only be brought on whiskey and talk.  

“I wanted this job. I wanted this job so bad. And I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can put up with the--he doesn’t listen to me! He doesn’t take any of my advice, he purposely gets in my way, he tries to evade me. He’s a brat. He’s smart--” 

Hawkeye smiled and shook her head. “They’re all smart. And they all know it. That’s the problem. They’re smart and then the state comes and tells them how special they are. It makes them insufferable.” 

“How the fuck do you deal with that?” 

“You come to love them. You have to.” Hawkeye rolled the glass between her hands, looking off into the distance.” You have to love them. You have to love them so much your body moves on its own. You don’t think about giving your life. It gives itself.” 

Maria felt like she was, once again, peeking through a closed door, seeing something she wasn’t meant to see. Hawkeye set the glass down with a decisive thump, but did not look at Maria. 

“And no one will ever understand the way you love them. Love is…the only word you have, but it isn’t right either. I can’t ever say I love him, because people think something wrong.” 

Maria wanted to pour more into her glass, but she was afraid Hawkeye would realize how much she was talking. Not only that, but how much she was saying. That she was telling a secret.

 “They’ll put it into a way they understand. I heard ‘they’re brothers’ so many times--I, of course, got to be,” she gestured grandly, drunkenly, “dreaming of his kisses, I was not allowed to be a sister--they’ll say he’s a son to you. It’s all stupid. But you can’t explain what it is, only what it isn’t. So you shut up and let them say what they want.” 

It was then Maria realized that a strange shift had happened, in her mind, over the course of the last hours and however many drinks they’d had--the bottle was telling on them a little, the level low. Hawkeye was a human being. She had thought of her as an idea. A legend. Someone to admire. A statue. But now, Maria noticed, as Hawkeye poured out the last of the bottle, there was a thick scar on her hand, and her hair was falling out of its bun, and she was getting a little sloppy, and that she was just a woman. She was one of the most exceptional people Maria had ever known, and she was just a woman. 

“That’s so…” Maria found that, much like love, there was no word for the way Hawkeye’s confession made her feel. Scared, maybe, but not completely correct. Jealous, too, was correct and wrong. A thought broke through. Something she’d kept tucked away.

“What if they dont make it?” 

“To lose you is unfortunate.” Hawkeye laughed darkly. “To lose both, is a tragedy. For you to live and them to die? An unacceptable, catastrophic failure.” She punctuated it with the bottle, and leaned toward Maria, eyes blazing. “If they come home in a box, you should be in the box alongside it. The date behind the dash on the stone should match. There is no other end to the story.” 

Hawkeye leaned back and tucked a stand of hair behind her ear. 

“Anyway, that's how I was trained; I don’t know what they say now.” 

Maria’s mother used to tell her stories, every night, before bed. In one story, a brave toy soldier jumped into the fire where a tin ballerina had fallen. They both survived, but their bases were welded together, never to part. To be one strange thing, together. 

Maria was having a new appreciation of the story in this moment. It was a strange, drunken thing, a place that she was so happy to enter but felt so wrong, so off. She was Alice, trying to make sense of Wonderland, despite all her dreams of escape, a little afraid. That maybe she would become the thing she wanted to be since she was a young recruit. Protect me from what i want. 

“But the breakfast is the bigger issue.” Maria smiled brightly. “You’d think it wouldn’t be hard to get a grown man to eat an egg. At least mine has the excuse of being a boy.”

“It won’t get any better,” Hawkeye dipped merrily. “THey just grow from silly boys into sillier men with higher ranks.” 

Maria laughed, the light dancing like stars. “All the training, and they never mentioned I’d be making a sandwich and tucking him in at night.” 

“They don’t want to tell you this, but the secret is that the person you most have to keep from killing them is themselves.” A giggle. 

“Literally true for you, I heard.” 

She knew she’d done it the second it came out of her mouth and tumbled onto the table. Hawkeye stiffened, silent. The light and the curling, sweet smoke and the heavy application of whiskey could do nothing against the stupid, true thing Maria had said. 

Hawkeye picked up her glass, drained it, and set it heavily on the table. 

“I would kill Grand again, if I could. He tried to kill my alchemist. He tried to compel him to kill himself, with a series of tactical maneuvers, to avoid any kind of inquiry. He did…incalculable damage.” She looked at Maria, her eyes burning.  “But Colonel Mustang is alive. He could not do that. He could not take him. Not with me around. Not ever.” 

Hawkeye sighed and stood up. “I should go. It’s late.” 

“Thank you for the drinks.” Maria gave a weak gesture. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have--” 

“I didn’t.” Hawkeye pulled on her coat. 

“Didn’t what?”

“Recommend you. You’re very skilled. With dedication, you could be truly great. But back then, they looked for something specific in a sentry. I don’t think you have it.” 

“Gee, thanks.” 

“That’s not a criticism.” She buttoned her coat. “Goodnight, Ross. Work on your situational awareness.” 

She swayed out the door, the usual confidence of her stride no match for the sheer quantity of whiskey they’d both consumed.

Maria remembered that prayer: Protect me from what I want.

[imsogonesposts]

My Muse

|| ao3 || an: this is part of a series, but each fic can be read on its own || I'm With the Rockstar series Masterlist || steve harrington masterlist ||

summary: Steve plays his, now fully finished and developed, album for you for the first time (wc: 922)

For the past year, Steve had been busy writing, singing, and co-producing his debut album. With the exception of the two singles he had released to promote the album, Steve had done an excellent job keeping the album as far away from you as possible. When you would ask why he didn’t want you listening to the album yet, he would always give you the same two answers. Either “I want it to be perfect for you,” or “I want it to be a surprise!”

Since his slow rise to fame, Steve had already put out a few EPs, you were already well aware of what his music sounded like, mostly pop songs with small mixes of rock within them, so you weren’t sure what Steve could possibly want to hide from you. 

Finally, it was time to listen to his new album, and Steve wasted no time getting you prepared to fully enjoy it. He had pulled out the stereo, set up blankets and pillows on the couch for you to be comfortable, and even put out a few of your favorite snacks on the coffee table. 

“Okay, so before I play this for you, I need you to promise me you’ll tell me if you think it sucks, alright?” Steve said, looking at you from your spot on the couch with a wide-eyed look. "Don't try and spare my feelings or anything cause you love me, just be completely totally honest with me, alright?" 

You weren't sure what he was so worried about, as you had always liked his past music. You weren't sure why this would be any different. 

“Baby, it’s not gonna suck. I’ve heard your music before, you make good stuff,” you replied, trying to reassure him with a small laugh. 

Steve only glared at you. It was a playful, teasing glare, but a glare nonetheless. 

“You’re my girlfriend, you’re supposed to think that,” he replied, trying to sound stern, though his small smile ruined the effect. 

You only nodded your head. “Right, so your thousands of fans who all love your music are all your girlfriends too?” You asked with a smile. 

Steve rolled his eyes, letting out a soft “shut up,” before playing the album and taking his seat next to you on the couch, pulling you into his arms.

Roughly 40 minutes and 12 songs later, the album had played in full. 

“So, what’d you think?” Steve asked, attempting to sound chipper, but coming off more nervous than anything as he got up to put the CD back in its case.  

While part of you had wanted to, jokingly, give him a hard time, you could see Steve truly was nervous that you wouldn’t like the album. It was in the way he kept messing with his hair, scratching at his arm, bouncing on the balls of his feet, the way he looked at you. He really wanted you to enjoy the album. It was his first album, after all. 

“It was great, Stevie,” you tell him with a smile, getting up from your spot on the couch to rub his arms. “I don’t know what you were so nervous for, your fans are gonna love it.” 

It was true, the album really was good. It was obvious Steve’s hard work had paid off. You could tell he truly did put his all into the album, and that he only wanted to put out what he thought to be his best work. Through this album, you couldeasily see the growth he’s had as an artist, and it only made you all the more proud of him.

“You really think so?” He asked with a smile, moving his arm to wrap around your waist, pulling you closer to him. 

You nodded, still smiling. “Well, I’m your number one fan, so if I love it, I already know everyone else is.”

Steve could only laugh as he used his free hand to gently cup your face as he leaned down for a kiss. 

“I’m proud of you,” you whispered when he eventually pulled away.

“Yeah, well I love you, so,” he replied, pinching your side before pressing a kiss to your forehead. 

He let go of your face, using that hand to pull you into a hug as he started to slowly sway the two of you. The two of you dancing and enjoying each other’s presence in the silence of the room. 

“They’re all about you, you know,” he whispered after a minute, momentarily breaking the silence. 

“What?” You asked with a smile. 

“The songs. The album, it’s all about you.” He kissed the top of your head, his hold on you never once loosened as he continued to sway with you. “Why do you think the album’s called ‘Muse’? Cause all the songs on it are about you. My muse.”

Oh.

“I’m your muse?” You asked, pulling away from the hug slightly to look up at him. 

Steve nodded his head. “Duh," he replied teasingly. "You think I wrote those sappy love songs for Mrs. Crockfire 'cause she baked us cookies when we moved in next door? No, I wrote them for you, silly.”

Steve moved a hand to lightly hold your chin as you continued to look up at him. 

“I’m crazy about you, you know,” he whispered.

“I know,” you whispered back with a smile. “Your songs kinda show that.”

Steve only smiled a wide smile, his eyes crinkling in the corner. “Good,” he happily replied before leaning down to kiss you. 

[wildflower-otome]

[Translation] Shuuen no Virche EpiC:lycoris - Scien Brofiise - Salvation Epilogue After Story

Source: Shuuen no Virche -EpiC:lycoris- Otomate Sweet Box Story Book -L'histoire de Lycoris- Note: Spoilers for Scien's Virche de la Coda -Émotion- Salvation Epilogue below.

Ep. Scien - Gaze that beholds beautiful colours

‘I love you, my Death. My first and life-long love is solely yours��.’

Back in the days when I had first begun to take a panoramic view on the world, I never imagined the time would come when I would say such a thing.

* * *

‘In that sense, your existence is like a miracle. There is nothing in this world that I do not understand, and yet you far exceeded anything I could have predicted.’

‘Y-You’re exaggerating things.....there’s nothing particularly special about me.’

In bed after spending a plentiful amount of time making love, keeping her trapped within my arms, I was devotedly cherishing my future wife.

One, two, three—. I kissed her neck, making flowers bloom on her white skin.

‘S-Scien, you’re going to leave marks......’

‘That is the idea. At this point, I doubt you’re going to have a change of heart, but somehow or other, it would appear I enjoy marking you as mine. —You needn’t worry though; I’m placing them so they won’t be visible.’

‘Wh-When you put it that way, I’ve got no choice but to happily accept them then.’

‘And you? What will you do to me?’

When I asked her teasingly, she looked to have been taken by surprise. 

‘Um, well then.....would you allow me to touch your hair? I really enjoy touching your hair, Scien....’

‘Do as you wish. .....Still, aren’t you usually the one that does my hair anyway?’

‘Touching your hair to tie it up and simply touching it are—slightly different things.’

Just as she’d said, she seemed to be in high spirits as she touched my hair.

‘I’d only just been letting it grow longer out of laziness but if it makes you happy, I’ll keep it at this length.’

‘Thank you, it would. .....I’m really looking forward to seeing what kind of hairstyle you’ll have for our wedding ceremony.’

‘That should be my line.’

As she pulled the bed sheets in, wearing them about her like a dress, she continued.

‘.....It won’t be long now until the wedding.’

‘Yes. I’ll be sure to make it a day befitting our new journey.’

—That’s right. In just a few days’ time, we would no longer be merely engaged, but husband and wife.

‘Baby-making was also part of the plan, but perhaps it would be best to take our time and enjoy our married life first. .....I’ll need to study up on how to act properly as a husband too. It wouldn’t do to keep on focusing solely on my research like I have up until now.’

‘I’m plenty happy, even with things as they are now.....’

‘I won’t let you say that. I intend on making you even happier than you are now.’

‘...............-’

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the now reddened face of my future wife.

‘I’ve only just begun, so don’t go getting embarrassed already, alright? I still haven’t loved you nearly enough yet. Once we’re married, that’s when I plan on really getting started.’

‘R-Right. I won’t lose either—I’ll show you just how much I can love you too, Scien.’

‘You really have gotten bolder, haven’t you? But that’s more than fine with me.’

After laughing a little.....I took her hand and kissed her ring-wearing finger.

* * *

—Love is nothing more than foolishness. A bug that gets in the way of rational thinking.

I didn’t plan on rejecting my past self, who had once said such things.

It was for that reason I had, in my previous body, remained true to my belief that I would not love anyone until the very end.

—That’s right, I would never regret even the sins I had committed.

Because it had been that very heartlessness that had allowed me to meet my future wife.

* * *

 ‘Are you ready?’

In a single room at the church.

As the bridegroom, I asked the question of the girl in the pure white dress—no, of the woman who, in just a few hours, would be my future wife.

‘Yes. Mam helped me get changed.’

‘I see. I had thought for sure that woman would prattle on about it “Not being too late to change your mind” or some such nonsense.....’

‘Heheh, you’re completely right. But she did hug me in the end.....and told me to “Be happy.”’

‘.....That goes without saying. I suppose she is going to be my mother-in-law, more or less. I'll have to go and pay her a visit from time to time.’

‘Thank you. Once the ceremony is over, would it be alright if we went and told Adolphe and the others still dressed like this?’

‘I don’t mind. That was my plan too.’

I gazed at the veiled face that was now even whiter than before.

‘—I like the look on your face. Your expression tells me that you have no doubts about becoming happy.’

‘.....I’m glad you think so. Until just a while ago, I might have worried about whether it was right for me to be the only one to become happy..... But now, I will no longer hesitate to become happy with you, Scien. I.....won’t say that it’s in place of Adolphe and the others, but for the sake of the future they weren’t able to reach—I will become happy and never forget them.’

‘I would expect nothing less of my wife.’

Deciding to save kissing for the main event, I patted her golden hair to show my approbation.

.....From far away I heard the voice of the priest bidding us to enter.

Now was the true end of the time we spent together as mere lovers.

‘—Let’s go.’

‘Yes-.....!’

I took my wife’s hand as we began to walk at the same speed.

Heading for a future in which we would age and live out our life spans together.

‘—Let us become the happiest married couple in the whole wide world. That will be the greatest proof of my love that I can give you as your husband.’

Even without romance or love, I would be able to advance on towards the next frontier.

But at the very least, the person who I was right now was glad I had been able to meet my wife.

‘Ah, what a—’

I was completely different to how I was in the past.

‘—fascinating and dear world this is.’

Everything had appeared barren to my eyes before, but because of the existence of a single woman, it was all now dyed in beautiful colours—.

[whateverisbeautiful]

♥️ Ranking Richonne

#25: A Few More Days (S7E12)

Say Yes is just rich with Richonne goodness at every turn, beginning early with the opening moments of the ep as well as in their final moments in the ep, which are tied here on my list. Both scenes highlight how much Rick and Michonne value the days they have with each other. And to kick off this love letter episode, I love that we get a moment of Rick and Michonne proving yet again that them + vehicles = gold...

So after a perfect and steamy montage establishing they’ve been having the time of their lives on this run and a sweet conversation about why they’re smiling, we see them in the van eating saviors' pretzels. And I’ve always loved the inclusion of pretzels in this scene for the symbolism in contrast to Dwight and Sherry. It’s a subtle way to indicate that Rick and Michonne are the couple who are going to stay together through thick and thin. 

I like Michonne saying they have "good taste in pretzels" like it’s the singular good quality about the Saviors lol. And then I love Rick saying "and batteries" as one of the first ways slick Rick will indicate he wants to stay out longer. And I get his logic - with the walkie working they can stay aware of what’s going on back home while still enjoying this wonderful honeymoon. I was fully on board with Rick’s thinking lol.

Watching it back, I love the ever-so-subtle groan Rick gives when Michonne says they’re gonna need to get back. He is not ready to leave this blissful state he’s in with her and I’m beyond here for it.

Also, I swear if watching all these Richonne scenes back was a try-not-to-smile challenge I would lose horrendously. I can’t not smile. It’s just all so precious every time they’re together, and this is genuinely me during the entirety of their every scene lol...

And then I just adore the way Michonne notices Rick’s quiet reaction and says his name. She knows her husband, y’all. She knows his silence means he doesn’t want to go home yet.

Rick says “a day and a half more, today and tomorrow.” And truly so much of what I love about this scene and Say Yes in general is that it’s one of the very rare moments where Rick gets to voice something he really wants personally. This isn’t about wanting to keep finding guns. He’s having the time of his life with the love of his life, and he wants to enjoy this as long as he can. 

Michonne says they can come back again because, trust, she wants this alone time with Rick too, she just wants to eliminate the Negan threat so their next trip doesn’t have that cloud over it.

I love the way Rick says “just a little more” and looks over at her with his subtle eyebrow raised. He’s the most refreshed he’s looked all season and so happy and in love, and it’s great to see. 

Michonne reassuringly says, “We’re okay. We don’t have to find them right now,” and I like how this is where Rick just outright confirms that extending this run is not about finding guns. It’s about what he will later reveal to be what he wants most - “the two of us” - cuz then he lightheartedly responds “yeah I know” lol.

(Side note: I'm just thinking about how before this love letter 7.12 ep there was the iconic 3.12 Clear ep. And 3.12 also began with the two in the car - however back then Michonne was driving in silence and Rick was thinking they’ll part ways after the Governor fight. How far we’ve come with them that now in 7.12 Rick and Michonne are in this car fully in love on a honeymoon run and wanting all the time in the world with each other. 🥰🙌🏾)

Rick says, “Just a little more okay?” while just eating some pretzels all content. And the delivery of the 'okay?' at the end is so freaking cute.  😋 Andy is so good at playing all shades of Rick, especially a Rick in love. 

And then there’s this little silent moment where Rick looks down and then looks over at her with a look that says he knows Michonne wants this time too and that they want to be out here for more than just business reasons.

I love that Rick is always so good at making sure he gives the two of them time together to just put plans and agendas aside and enjoy being with each other. This is different than s1 Rick who was always on the go. He knows how valuable what he has with Michonne is and he cherishes every moment he has with her. Man of the year every year, ijs.

And then Danai “Always Perfectly Delivers The Line, Even If It's Just One Word” Gurira says "okay" in a way that just communicates so much. The way Michonne looks at him with so much care in this moment before softly saying okay. She knows that while Rick is seeming casual rn, this is also something he really wants and even needs more than he’s letting on, which he’ll reveal when he shares how much has been weighing on him later in the ep. And I think in this moment she knows she really needs this time with the love of her life too. 

Also it’s sweet how all Rick had to say was just “a little more, okay?” and Michonne was in full agreement. They both can so effortlessly get the other on board with them. 😋 So she says this heartfelt okay and then Rick is just in his glowy happy era responding with such a pleased “okay” while looking at her so clearly in love.

The way they look at each other and smile with a little laugh upon agreeing to keep this honeymoon going is just perfection. 😍 I love that they both know they are going to stay out here not just as leaders and fighters but as lovers too, as they happily agree to bask in their Richonne bubble a bit longer.

This joy and alone time is what they deserve, and I love how this scene sets the tone for the rest of their honeymoon ep. It let you know that Rick and Michonne's love and desire for each other was going to be central, and I'm forever here for it.

And then I gotta attach another “few more days” moment at the end of the ep to this ranking because it really does connect. 👌🏽

It’s at the end of Say Yes when Michonne approaches Rick after his irritating encounter with Jadis. Rick and Michonne both really do look so visibly rejuvenated from their honeymoon run. I was looking at both of them in this scene like...

And I love that seeing her man is upset, Michonne knows just how to uplift him.

The scene starts with Rick clearly frustrated after Jadis changed the deal and tried to demand the cat sculpture back. When that trash lady told Rick she wanted the cat back I was like...

Because see Rick is in the business of gifting Michonne, so Jadis and the junkyard had another thing coming if they thought he was giving his wife's cat sculpture back lol. He even retools the deal to let Jadis know she tried it, and then he has this lone moment looking annoyed just before Michonne approaches. And just the way she looks at him when she slowly enters the scene is already so sweet. 🥹

I love how she says, "You get a few more days before what happens next." Which as we know from their previous heart-to-heart means before the fight. 

Let me tell you, this is a husband and wife. Like officially-married-after-that-7.12-proposal husband and wife. You just feel the spouse vibes radiating off them in this scene, and I’m here for it. 

I love that when Michonne lovingly says this, it’s her knowing how much a 'few more days' is something Rick really wanted/still wants and something she now deeply understands the value of too. And sis always be knowing the perfect thing to say cuz Rick's mood is instantly boosted as he turns to face her, elated at the idea of a few more days spent like how they just spent it. 😊

And part of what was so special about Rick wanting to extend their trip throughout this ep is that it was truly just the two of them on that honeymoon run - it wasn't like real-world honeymoons where you're at least around other hotel guests or beachgoers or whatever - but Rick was like, 'even when you’re the literal only person I’m around for days, I still want more of that.' #DirectQuoteFromHisMind 🥰

It’s cute how Rick perks up as he asks, “A few more days?” I love how Michonne can always improve his mood and capture his full attention. I also love how close they’re standing to each other in this scene and the lighting — you know we love a well-lit Richonne scene. It’s great. 👏🏽

And that Richonne bubble has a strong magnetic field because it seems they just can’t help but be as close as possible when talking to each other here. Truly, at this moment, they feel like it's just the two of them around - but nope, they out here giving big 😍-energy publicly on some strangers' turf. I love it. 🙌🏾

Michonne has such a beautiful glow when she calmly and confidently assures Rick, “that’s right, we’ll find more, we’ll figure it out soon…in a few more days.” 🗣 She's a wife. And scenes like this show that loud and clear.

Also, what Rick and Michonne mean to each other is always so gorgeously depicted, even in just a look. my goodness. #blessed.

As a moot beautifully stated, Rick drinks her in whenever she's in front of him, and he does so here as he nods and takes her hand. I love that she can so instantly improve his mood and how we just watched them spend all this alone time together all episode, only for them to end the ep excited about the prospect of more time together.

And then the scene ends with them walking away hand in hand because one thing Richonne always finna do is hold hands, and I'm here for it. 🤗

This was a beautiful way to open and close the Richonne love letter ep. And so these two connected moments - starting with Rick wanting a few more days and ending with the two of them also really grateful for a few more days - were wonderful and had to get some recognition on this list. 😌

[wayward-robin]

Season 2 Final Thoughts  

I loved this season so much. It was a really good mix of drama and humour and it all worked so well together. Ocean’s 9-1-1 is my ultimate favourite episode of the series so far!

One point, we have now had Bobby, Hen and Chimney ‘Begins’ episodes. I really, really hope we get some more for Athena and Buck! And maybe Eddie too? I assume they won’t do Maddie as we know a lot of her story thanks to this season with Doug. This show is a great ensemble cast but seeing a deep dive into the characters backgrounds is so much fun.

Chimney – I loved his evolving relationship with Maddie. They’re so freakin’ cute together! I’ve been cheering them on all season! I’m gad he managed to find some self-esteem after all he went through last season with his injury and his ex-girlfriend. He felt much more authentic. His backstory sort of came out of nowhere considering how big it was to effectively lose his brother and it could’ve done with some more emotional build up to it but it was nice to have all the same.

Hen – I’m super glad her and Karen are past their rocky patches from last season with Eve. I loved seeing her past in the Hen Begins ep this season. All the actors can carry their own plotlines and episodes but there really is something so charismatic about Hen. I think what I love the most about her though is you can put her with any other character and she works with all of them so well.

Athena and Bobby – I have to take these two together. I wasn’t expecting them at the end of the first season and I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed them. Seeing “older” characters get second chances at love and family is always so inspiring and I’m definitely happy they went down this route with them. I’m ecstatic they went so far as to marry them too. They had some good individual and joint plots this season. They found a good balance with them.

Buck – I love Buck to pieces. He’s one of my favourite characters. He’s a real scene stealer. But he did feel like he was adrift this season, despite being given more connections in Maddie and Eddie. Which is not bad! I just get the feeling after his relationship with Abby, he’s looking for something more permanent now so I’m excited to see where that journey takes him. And hey, it took him two seasons but he has his own apartment! I love his friendship with Eddie, finally he has a partner he can pair off with on rescues and they’re both ridiculous dorks. Buck and Maddie were a brilliant combo too. Their sibling banter was wonderfully engaging and despite not seeing each other for years, they fit well together.

Eddie – He has the most adorable son in the world! His season felt the most complete plot arc wise which I assume was on purpose just in case things didn’t work out with his actor. I’ll admit during the first half of the season, I thought they might’ve been setting him up as Buck’s potential new love interest. The whatta man song, the elf at Christmas commenting on their family unit and Maddie calling out Buck’s boy crush felt like it might have been building to something. Because this is TV. They only have so many minutes an episode and every minute has to mean something. The second half of the season focused more on his relationship with Shannon and Buck ended up in liaisons with Taylor and Ali but I’m secretly wishing this gets picked up again in season 3. 

Maddie – her domestic abuse plotline was gut wrenching but also very inspiring. I’m glad she found the strength to break out of that relationship. I hope next season they don’t just sweep the whole thing under the rug as last season’s plot because domestic violence can have long lasting consequences and it would be good to see some follow through with it. Surviving doesn’t just stop because the abuser is dead. Her budding relationship with Chim was absolutely adorable and I am so here for it! I am so glad they got Jennifer Love Hewitt for this role. She’s one of my favourite actors.

[bronx-bomber87]

Merry Christmas Eve to all who celebrate it :) We’ve reached S5. Which is unreal. It shouldn’t be since I’ve been writing these for 7 plus months now and yet ha. I remember BUZZING for this ep. Then being in shock It actually happened. This entire season felt like a gift from the writers.

The long awaited reward for the slow burn. Although I enjoyed every moment of that slow burn. Was very happy to get to this place I will say. You thought Tim’s brain was broken last ep? It’s about to be obliterated haha Once again some long gifs I’ll make to get it all in. Might be the theme for this season LOL I fit everything in that I could this ep was wall to wall moments. Let’s get going.

5x01 Double Down

We start out on a glorious high. Lucy is dreaming about kissing Tim. Making out really. Not only that but she is grinning like crazy as she does. Sure she’s had dreams like this before about him. No doubt in my mind she’s had naughty dreams about this man. (and vice versa let’s be honest) But now she had something real to dream about. A tangible moment. Didn't take long for that to take root in her subconscious ha.

Also in this dream we get another lovely angle to that kiss. It's like we got two first kisses everyone. It's glorious. They sure started this season off with spoiling us right away. He looks like he’s about to eat her face in this dream version. This is why she’s smiling so much heh I love having both angles. Real and dream version.

I like how the dream version is little spicier. Like this is her dream version of that kiss. How he’s cupping her face in this one. She wanted him to devour her like that. She would’ve been happy to be his meal for the night. Also showing Lucy has it SOO bad for him. Forgetting she has a blah BF at the moment. Chris who? Unfortunately as it gets good a knock startles her awake.

It’s Tamara waking her up. Lucy is legit jarred from her dream. We watch her struggle to come back down to earth. Her messy hair and reaction are too funny. This one of my all time fav Tamara/Lucy moments. She has to give Lucy a hard time about the kiss. Wouldn’t be her if she didn’t. It’s too cute. Lucy goes into mom mode about school. Telling her about Rosalind’s trial shutting the city down. Her normal route will be closed.

Tamara mirroring her going into protective daughter mode. Asking her if she wants her to skip class? I love her always wanting to put Lucy first. She tells her no. She will be ok and no where near Rosalind anyways. She is bound to the station with Tim anyways. Waiting for their OP to jump off. Tamara asking if it’s for the UC thing from the other night? Lucy confirms this.

Tamara’s giving her crap about the kiss. Lucy being defensive saying didn’t mean anything. Oh yes nothing. You weren’t just dreaming about it or anything…Mmhm…Then she says her legendary line. ‘Make out. Stop crime. That totally tracks.' LOL I love her so much. Lucy tells her to go to school. Tamara replies in kind telling her to have fun at work. With her boss. Who she kissed…

We then switch to Tim talking to Angela about said kiss. Now let me say how giddy it makes me he came to Angela about it. Yes she’s his best friend but he didn’t used to be this open with her. She had to pull teeth in 2x11 even when he asked for her help. This is a far more open Tim Bradford than we’ve seen before. He starts this convo then goes into full denial. Babe, you started this and she has great Chenford radar. You weren’t going to fool her. Not in the slightest. I love how she doesn’t let up the entire convo. Smirking this entire time through out it as well.

Asking how much did they practice? LOL Tim telling her it was just a kiss. No big deal. Angela’s reply is epic. ‘Then why are we talking about it?’ Boom. Mic drop. She is iconic in this scene. Sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than anything else. Tim deflecting saying 'What if it wasn’t just a kiss for her?' Really asking 'Do you think she has feelings for me too?' Angela follows up asking if Lucy might have feelings for him? He looks so deflated when he says ‘No..’ Thinking no way Lucy could have feelings for him. Ugh break my heart Tim. When Angela gives me more logic it makes him said.

Telling him she probably saw the kiss as just as a weird work thing then. The defeated way he says ‘Right....’ Angela picks up on it immediately. Hence her next question to him. The way he says ‘No!' to her feelings question. He’s SO defensive. Not telling at all…Do you even believe yourself Timothy? His voice gets all high pitched. Just like Lucy does when she gets nervous about her feelings. He does his spiel about them both being in relationships. Being her boss. etc. Angela crushes it with some more solid logic. ‘All true. Not what I asked.’ God I love her. Also let’s note how deliciously tight Tim’s shirt is in this scene. Didn’t think I would let that slide by did you? Mmm.

We rejoin them in the interrogation room. Tim complaining how greasy his double is. How he hates it LOL Lucy comes in looking like a stunner. Notice Tim agreeing with Aaron’s assessment of how good she looks. She then mentions regretting the choice of thong idea LMAO I love her. Also you are going to be the death of him Lucy Chen haha What are you doing to this man? They received a call earlier and now waiting for a follow up to where to meet.

The phone goes off and Lucy gives the most ‘ in love’ look at him. She couldn’t adore that man standing in front of her more if she tried. Tim answers and Hajek tells them to meet his guys at an air strip. I love the silent communication between them. Always adore that about them. Lucy tries to get them more time saying they can’t just up and leave. How she looks requires lots of suitcases and precision.

Swing and miss sadly. Tells them to meet them there or end up in a coffin. Angela is scrambling because leaving the state is a whole other thing. Aaron saves them by letting them use his private jet for him and Angela to follow in. Lucy says they can follow the flight plan the pilot has to submit. Angela is relaxing a bit and decides to let them proceed. Aaron cracks me up asking about caviar selection such a goob. Says he'll just get an assortment. Ha I love him.

So begins them “pretending” to be a couple. When really it’s just them having no restrictions or boundaries on them. Getting to look, touch, flirt, and be free with one another. Under the guise of UC. It’s glorious really. I felt my brain stopped working multiple times in this episode the first time. Just like Tim. Lucy starts off STRONG explaining why they're late. Pulling Tim to her saying 'Their quickie wasn’t so quick.' Hot damn. (I can see this being a reason for them now a days too hehe)

They’re like magnets instantly drawn to each other. Gah I love it so much. I remember it being so hard to focus. Because they had their arms all wrapped around each other from the word go. The way they are all over each other in this hanger scene. It’s their normal banter but heightened. I’ll never be over her hand resting on his hip. His arms wrapped around her. The easy rhythm they quickly fall into. Almost like being a couple is the most natural thing in the world for them. I mean look at them. They are not struggling to sell this one bit.

The way they’re attached at the hip. Swaying together like they’re in their own world. Which what else is new with them? This is par for the course when they're together. They’re always in their own world when they banter. Only right now they’re allowed to touch and hold each other as much as they want to. And trust me they want to. It felt like I was dreaming as I watched this portion. Truly in a daze. I had to rewind and pay attention to the SL. More than once...

The smiles and the swaying gah they get me. They basically mirror the smiles and swaying from 5x12. Because they’re just as in love right now as they are 11 eps down the road. I love Lucy’s face when they get interrupted LOL It was the biggest scowl. Like excuse me you weren’t invited to this party.

I truly think they nailed this because it was their shot. They thought this was their only chance to be with each other without any restrictions. So they went for it as we can see. We all lapped it up like it was the last bit of water in the desert haha I’m giddy as he tells her to get on the damn plane. It's so cute. Lucy cannot keep her hands off him from the minute they start this. Tim is more than happy to oblige. Gah this is cloud 9 goodness.

The goodies continue on the plane as they head towards Vegas. I don’t know about you but first time I watched this portion I couldn’t focus. I was obsessed with her sitting on his lap basically. Leaning into him. Not only that but the start to Tim’s obsession we all love with her thighs. How he has his hand rests there naturally. Like his hand has found it's new home happily. Lastly their hands. I remember focusing so much on just their hands I missed dialogue. Had to rewind it to hear what was going on LOL

If you weren’t just as distracted by their hands and PDA you’re a lying liar who lies haha Or you don’t ship them. In that case why you reading this review right now? Ha I think they were both nervous about this being out of state. The hands weren’t necessary in the least. I think they were unconsciously grounding each other.

Finding comfort in each other’s touch. Also I think them being this way was incredibly natural for them. Just like everything else has been their entire relationship. Why the slow burn was so necessary. So when we got here it was basically a flawless crossover to this. Touching each other as much as possible and I love it.

Lucy cracks me up trying to get info on their job. Saying right now it's the world’s most boring bachelor party LOL Tim saying this is a job not a party. They finally tell them what their job is since they’re airborne. They ask them if they know who Roman Krupka is? They say nope. Apparently he imports Heroin to the Monarch cartel. Lucy mentions so the competition?

He continues on saying ‘Something like that.' That Roman is paranoid of computers. Doesn’t keep a written record anywhere. That the details of his operation exist in one place. One man called ‘The Brain .’ His name is Leonard Madris. Tim makes the comment isn’t is dangerous for one man to carry all that? They say yes and he’s usually kept under heavy guard. Never leaves the compound.

The reason they’re headed to Vegas is because of him. They’re received a solid tip he will be there this weekend. They find out their plan in this. They’re to take out the guards while he grabs Madris. Then they’re gonna torture the man for every detail. Then they’ll take over the business by doing so. Lucy is so cocky in her reply. I love it. Saying sounds like they should be getting paid more heh. Lyon tells them tough. So charming...

We rejoin them finding out Rosalind has escaped through Lyon. This is one of my fav moments of the episode. The way he immediately grabs her hand. Trying to ground her in this moment. Keeping her close to him so he can show her he’s there. Reassure her that she isn’t alone in hearing this. It’s just instinctual him doing this. Knowing this would be a massive trigger that would throw her off kilter. Trying to keep Lucy there with him. To stop her from losing focus and spiraling out.

Also the way Tim looks up at her. Checking in trying to get her to silently communicate with him. He needs to know she’s ok. Protective Tim is one of my favs. That immediate need to shield and protect her. Rosalind is a huge trauma trigger for her. He wants so badly to help her with this news. Look at how her hand is clutching his shoulder at first. He starts rubbing his thumb on her hand. Trying to get her to unclench. (Wasn't able to fit that one in but he does it.)

Tim being her calm in the raging storm she has going on right now. Her constant in this moment. Which is exactly what she needs. This man is so soft for her I’ll never be over it everyone. Tim isn’t able to get a read on her. She won’t look down at him. So he asks how long till they land? Lyon says 15 minutes. Tim tells them perfect. His cover being the mile high club. It’s his way of getting them a private moment. He needs to check in on her and he can’t do that with them around.

They head back and Lucy goes into full spiral mode. This is why he wanted to do this. She starts to be taken over by her fear and PTSD. Tim sees it taking over her. He tells her to stop in the softest way possible. Lucy takes a deep breath and little stomp but does. Telling her if she is not 100 percent in this it’s going to get her killed. Which ultimately will kill him in the process.

Lucy defends herself and says she’s got this. The news got to her at first but this is their one shot at Madris. That she is fine. I love him being protective and wanting to pull the plug just for her. The beautiful thing is he listens to her on this. Doesn’t bulldoze her and make a decision like he used to. He is trusting her in this moment. Letting her decide for herself ultimately. Which is such growth for him once again I can’t stand it.

He’s so ready to kill this OP if she’s not ok. I love that sfm. Letting her know that there is no shame if she does. He is there if she is ready to pull the ripcord. Tim is about to leave when she stops him. Tim looks so very confused once again. Lucy telling him it needs to look like they hooked up in here. Tim isn’t on the same page as her right now and it shows haha

Here comes that infamous airplane kiss. Has some similar aspects to their first kiss. Except way spicier this time around. Once again Lucy just pounces on Tim. He has to absorb the weight of her throwing her body at him. We watch him once again stumble into their kiss. Taken aback by her forcefulness. Her passion nearly knocking him off his feet. Tim isn't complaining once her lips collide with his though.

It doesn’t take long for him to adjust to it and go with this mini make out session of their's. He is adjusting much faster this time around. It’s all hands at first. His body absorbing the shock of her body slamming into his. Tim wrapping his arms around her anchoring her body to his. Lucy’s hands firmly planted on his face as she leads this kiss at first. Tim’s hands moving up her back fully enveloping her in his arms. Getting so very lost in her once again. Instantly melting into her.

I love how the kiss continues to get deeper. Sexier as well. Hot damn look at them above. Tim is the one chasing her lips as they continue this much spicier kiss. The way he’s leaning into her as they sway together. Two people in perfect tandem with each other. Not missing a beat. They were both so very thirsty in this moment. It’s all over this kiss. Tim running his hands up and down her back as he is savoring her. Lucy hands moving down his face not looking to part from him any time soon either. Tim isn't the only one getting easily lost in this.

Lucy’s hands sliding down his chest once again. This kiss getting deepened much faster this second time around. Their desire for one another is very evident. Tim can't keep his hands off her. Like I said for their kiss in 4x22. If they kept going his hands would end up on her face. He can’t keep them still and as she runs her hands down his chest. He pulls her closer to him not wanting to lose any contact with her. Eliminate any unnecessary space between them.

Her lips are quickly becoming a drug he is getting addicted to. He sure loves her upper lip. Captures it between his as he looks to further this impromptu kiss. *fans self* Look at him in that gif above. Wants her as close to him as possible. I just adore how softly he cups her face wanting to keep this kiss going. Totally forgetting about the mission and the men outside the door. All that matters right now is Lucy and her lips on his.

How Lucy has the self control to pull herself from him I don’t know. Gah it’s the grunt Tim does when she breaks off. *phew lord* That noise is doing things to me. Mmm. He was basically chasing her lips again when she broke off. Chasing that high of kissing her some more. He was very not ready for that to end. Also how glossy his lips look post kiss. She had her damn way with that man haha

He looks so dazed snd confused when she wipes his lips. Her hand shaking as she does this. I know we all joke about how “unnecessary” this kiss was. I think part of it was Lucy seeking comfort from Tim in this moment. The kiss quelling her Rosalind fueled anxiety. She needed to be connected with him for a moment before she could put it behind her or attempt to.

Tim was more than happy to oblige. Poor man has short circuited once again though. Eric once again the master of expressions comes through again. He doesn’t know how to restart. She’s like ok let’s do this and moves leaving Tim stand there in her wake. He is trying to figure out WTF just happened in the last 30 seconds.

We then get this pretty shot of them in the SUV. There is so much being said in the short time span of this shot too. We can see Lucy is still struggling with her PTSD. From the minute she heard the news Lucy has been scaling the walls emotionally. Almost like she’s back in that barrel. All her emotions threatening to drown her. Her lowering the window to get some air on her face. Cool her emotions down.

Looking at the bright lights trying to ground herself. To help her stay in character. Desperate not burn their UC covers. Tim looking over at her so much worry carried in eyes. She can feel his eyes on her and looks back at him. Their silent communication doing all the talking for them. She’s still in a panic but at least she has Tim with her. To keep her grounded and from spiraling out completely.

Tim giving the most space he’s given since this started. Not wanting to physically comfort her right now. Not because either of them want that space. It’s because he isn’t wanting to draw attention to her emotional distress. That would draw questions they can’t have right now. So they share a look and he doesn’t take his eyes off her. I love it so much.

Someone in the casino recognizes Jake. A girl. Which isn’t great. But does give us some protective Lucy which I always love. Finally getting to do that hair take down of her's. The one she threatened Stanton with back in 3x05. I love her taking charge of this moment. Getting this woman to back off. Don’t mess with Lucy Chen ya’ll lol They spot Angela and Aaron across the way after she lets this woman go. Figures this is the time to break off.

Lucy says she wants to gamble. See if they can get lucky three times in one day. Heh I love how he walks with her to them. Wish I could've fit the gif in. His hands on her shoulders from behind as they walk. Totally necessary to walk like this with her LOL I have a feeling this was possibly Eric being a goober steering her towards the table haha But either way I'm a happy girl with it. This was quite the married thing to do though regardless of why. I loved it. Also low key protecting her as they walk toward Angela and Aaron.

They update Angela on everything. Lucy’s first question is about Rosalind. Angela says she got a psycho lawyer to help break her out. We watch Lucy comprehend this. Saying 'Another Caleb....I knew it.' Then says Tamara needs protection. (No mention of Chris BTW) Her other fav human is with her. So no one else to protect from Rosalind. As they talk about this Lucy trying to keep her panic at bay but not doing the best job about it.

Angela picks up on it right away. Asking if Lucy is up for this? That she can pull out if she needs to. I adore Tim answering for her. Backing her and saying she’s solid. The look she gives Tim. My damn heart. He wasn’t gonna pull her till she told him to do so. Until then he supported and trusted her decision. The growth is astronomical in him. You see that written all over Lucy's face. It’s so damn good. You can tell she wanted to touch him as a thank you but stopped herself.

The minute they’re inside the room Lucy turns on the TV. Tim saves her from herself and turns it off. Saying they don’t know anything they don’t. Protective Tim is present through out this episode. Here for it. She is starting to spiral again and sits on the bed. She looks so tired and stressed out. Tim gives her a sweet compliment to cheer her up. He knows how down in the dumps she is about this. Wants to build her up in anyway he can. Saying how she's really good at UC. Just in awe of her once again.

The sweet smile he gives her when he says it too. Be more smitten Timothy I dare you. Lucy asks if he’s ok with her showering first? He says yeah. Then we see her break his brain once again. The door doesn’t close all the way and he gets a sneak peak of her naked back. He stumbles back to the bed trying not to look back at her. Replying 'Yeah... ok.. um fries.' LOL Lucy you have broken this man and I’m dying.

Eric once again crushes it with his facial expressions. Trying not to be turned on and needing a cold shower more than ever. What cracks me up is his sigh as he watches TV. Trying to drown out his dirty thoughts of her in the shower. She comes out saying the water pressure is epic. Wanting to steal the robes and asking if that's stealing? Tim says no it’ll just be charged to the room. She says ‘WE’ should take two then. There’s that married ‘We’ again.

You can tell Tim is antsy af to talk about their kisses. First off let me say how proud of I am of this man. This is the same man who couldn’t have a serious conversation with his current GF to save his life. He is the one to broach this topic with her. Once again making that first move. NEEDING to know if she’s feeling what he is very much feeling. Lucy is the one to bring this courage out in him. To want to talk about this.

He went far outside his comfort zone to get this convo started. Telling her it doesn’t feel like pretend to him. The look on his face as he says this. The hope in his eyes desperately trying to see if she is feeling their connection. Lucy panics and stutters in her reply. To me it’s not because she doesn’t feel the same. He has stunned her into silence. What she is worried about here is losing what they have.

To admit what’s going on between them means she now has something to risk. Something to lose if she does. Her person. The most important person in her life. Tim is far too important to her lose over them trying and possible failing. She is very aware it doesn’t feel like pretend. But isn’t willing to risk that. Ironically in a city like Vegas where one takes such risks. So she crushes Tim with her reply. Saying it’s an intimate act. It’s basic biology. You know a BS answer.

She is deflecting so she doesn’t have to risk losing him. Or confront this at all really. What she doesn’t know is the damage she just inflicted. Tim was already panicky from his convo with Angela about her not having feelings. He suddenly feels very alone in his desire for more. For feeling something. She’s basically rejected him in this moment. He is so sad with her reply.

He gives her one last chance with his ‘So you're saying it’s not a big deal? Doesn’t mean anything?’ She stumbles some more saying ‘Right?’ Wanting him to answer this question for her. She can’t possibly accept he wants her too. So she deflects once again. Tim put himself out there and she shut him down. Their convo is interrupted his cell phone. The looks she shoots his way break my heart. Knowing she’s hurt his feelings. When really she broke his heart a little.

It’s Angela with an update. He tells her he’s alone in the hotel with Lucy. Her ‘Uh oh’ always cracks me up. I love their friendship so very much. Her teasing is primo this season and it makes my heart happy. She is so shipping them and just wants her bestie to be happy. I love it. Telling him not to do anything she wouldn’t. He slams the phone shut and tosses it on bed. LOL

Lucy goes to dry her hair and there is a knock at the door. It’s the girl from earlier saying she knows he’s in there. Tim opens the door and gets hit in the face. They know he’s not Jake. Saying she told them he had a gut last time she saw him. That it was only 3 weeks ago. I mean that sucks for Sava. Means Jake was cheating on her long before 5x18.

He sends Wisco after Lucy and says he says not to kill her yet. Lucy is a BAMF and takes out most of the crew. This part is hilarious about her robe. I’m dying. 'Showed him the whole world just now.' Oh Lucy never change. Tim shakes his head so much I’m cackling. This is the woman you’ve chosen to love Timothy. So exasperated with he right now. I love how she stares down at him lovingly. But you know it’s just basic biology right Lucy?

I love love love him walking her up. That’s last bit of protectiveness being displayed. He doesn't want her to be alone. Tim saying he can’t wait to get out of these clothes. Lucy making a joke she isn’t going to miss that hairstyle. Then Tim is so cute and flirty says he kinda likes hers though. OMG he’s so damn cute. He is such a goner for her oh my word. Lucy’s smile not believing what she’s hearing. Gah this end portion was the death of me. Tim says I guess this is it as they approach her door. Saying they go back to being them tomorrow.

He almost seems sad about that fact. Lucy turning to him and sharing 'Right..everything that happened undercover they’ll leave behind'. No you won’t lol Then Tim does his dorky UC line and regrets it instantly. Scolds himself for that line. Basically saying why are you like this? LOL Cracks me up the way he shakes his head. Like why can't you be more smooth? Oh that's right because you're stupid in love with her and a nervous wreck about it. Funny pre-cursor to his 'Naked time.' line heh.

It’s then Lucy deciding to make a move here. All this talk about going back to being them stoking something inside her. Saying in a sense they’re still UC since they haven’t been debriefed. Tim not catching what she’s throwing down. Just replies 'I guess you’re right.' Lucy is eyeing him like she is ready to have him right then and there. Her ‘Mmhm.’. Trying to give him a hint as she flicks her eyes to the door. It’s then Tim starts to catch her drift. The look on his face when it hits him. Like he can't believe she feels the same way he does.

That there is something there. There is a whole lot of want and excitement in that man's eyes. Lucy has created a loophole of sorts. One where they’re still Jake and Sava. And what do Jake and Sava like to do? Have sex. Lots of hot sex. The amount of bedroom eyes Lucy is throwing at him is insane. The sultry inviting way she says ‘Do you want to come in?’ Tim falling back on his professional boundaries like he has for years. Tells her he shouldn’t…Not that he doesn’t want to. He SHOULDN’T. The song in this scene is solid too BTW. Whoever picks music for this show needs a raise.

Lucy nods and goes to open her front door. Tim looks longingly at her as she does. Lucy gives it one last go. Cranking it up on those sultry bedroom eyes of hers. Basically inviting Tim in to have his way with her. Gah Melissa killing it with the inviting stare. We watch Tim struggle outside her doorway. He has been fighting this instinct for YEARS. I’m sure whenever he had an impure thought he pushed it down. Shoved away any attraction to her. Pushed her away as well. Maintained the professional boundaries he set up years ago. (For the most part.)

Thing is he’s been slow receding those boundaries for years as well. Especially last season when that last bit of his wall collapsed. Slowly letting her into every aspect of his life. To the point that we are now here. Where Lucy is blatantly inviting him in for something very unprofessional. We see Tim have an internal battle with himself. Then basically says ‘F*ck it and comes in. His attraction and his draw to her winning out. He would be lying if he said he didn’t want this. Or hadn’t wanted it in the past before either.

Lucy asks him if he wants a drink? Can she make him one? Tim declining not wanting to waste any time in this precious loophole of theirs. Also didn’t need alcohol to have the courage to do this. He already pushed past that to even enter this apt. Not wanting to dull any senses or touch with alcohol. Wanting to be fully present with her. Lucy looks like was ready to jump his bones right then and there. The sexual tension is palpable. Their UST is off the charts with this entire scene but reaches critical levels once they’re inside.

Lucy understanding why he didn’t want that drink. Love her sweet but nervous smile as she goes to put her stuff down. It's then we see Chris there which ends up ruining everything LOL Just bleeding out on her couch. I love how Tim throws his head back when she see’s Chris is there. I’ll never forget that amount of hilarious memes Eric posted. People putting the funniest shit about him being there. I wish I could find them. They were SO funny. I’ll be honest as frustrated as I was in the moment I was glad they didn’t hook up. The UST was fantastic. Don’t get me wrong good god.

But it’s much better they got together the way they do this season. Way less mess and not worth the angst it would’ve caused for them to cheat on their SO’s. It’s the fact that they almost did that was so damn telling IMO. Phew well hot damn this was a beast to write. But I loved it. This premiere is fantastic from beginning to end. The amount of moments are unreal. Hell of a way to start out a season of non stop gifts. I haven’t watched S5 the number of times I’ve watched 1-4 so this will be fun. Excited to finish out this rewatch with you all as we count down to the S6 premiere. It’s 58 days btw...

~~~~

Side notes-Non Chenford

This isn’t something I enjoyed so much as it rubbed me the wrong way. Nolan getting a Golden Ticket. Lucy has accomplished more, done successful UC ops before and after she graduated FTO and is currently going on another UC but sure Nolan who was disgraced and held back gets one. Sure sure…it does for being Juarez in who I love so there is positives.

Tim telling Nolan he needs backup career when picking his assignment. LMFAO I LOVE THIS MAN.

Thank you thank you to this incredible fandom that has embraced these reviews. You all are amazing and I love every single like, comment and reblog I get. ❤️ shall see you all in 5x02 :)

[dreamweaversfavsandthoughs]

Rick and Morty S7 Ep. 4: That’s Amorte

(There is no ethical consumption under capitalism)

Don’t read any further if you don’t want to spoiler your appetite…

My Favs

We got Morty back!

When the world was about to send out an Amber Alert on a missing kid, Morty decided to return to us! I’ve enjoyed the season so far but having Rick and Morty together is a stark reminder that the strength of this show is found in the dynamic between grandfather and grandson. Also, I love seeing Rick getting healthy and bettering himself, but I also love to see a Rick that’s amoral and a bit unhinged.

Facial animation:

I don’t know if this is due to the Irish animation studio they’re working with now, but I’ve noticed there’s a bit more diversity in the facial expressions compared to the last two or three seasons. Has anyone else noticed this?

They did a Soylent Green!

I predicted that this might have been a red herring seeing the initial clips and they might instead do something akin to the Universal Paperclip game, but a Soylent Green is what we got. Well, the idea behind the paperclip game is still on the table for next season…

Euthanasia, Cannibalism, and Suicide

Quite the trifecta of “subjects we don’t discuss in polite society,” but I admire them for taking the risk and weaving everything together well. Kinda surprised S&P let them get away with it.

“His dying wish is to see deader people so he can feel superior.”

Morty-O’s Suicide Spaghetti

“ Is this people or not people? I just need to know how much I should pretend to be upset.”

Oh, Jerry…

“They dyed their sun institutional gray.”

“Ooo gray areas. My specialty.”

Classic Rick

Kotomi’s cover of “Live Forever”

“Life itself is wrong and that means death is right. But you can’t side with that. So you live, even when it means eating.”

Not My Fav:

They could have gotten nastier.

This is my one small gripe in an episode that I think is fantastic. I’m confident there is an earlier draft out there that got so much grosser before S&P made their cuts and I demand to see that draft!

Release that nasty cut!!!

My Thoughts:

First my less serious thought, how in the hell did Rick find out that those people turned in spaghetti when they unalived themselves? My headcanon is that he has made a regular habit of impersonating a doctor on that planet because he sees doctors as nothing more than glorified mechanics, but for people. Rick knows he’s the smartest man in the universe and a proper scientist so practicing medicine would not be that much of a challenge and along the way he discovered this delicious trait about the Keplar people.

On a more serious note, there are two moments that really stood out to me. First, was when Morty broke the news of the spaghetti’s origin to the family and their reaction. They were angry and disappointed—in Morty for delivering the message rather than Rick for feeding them people-spaghetti. That spaghetti was amazing and brought everyone joy and they were more angry about losing their joy than the moral implications of consuming human flesh. Morty destroyed the illusion that they were “good” people and instead of actually being good people and refusing to eat the spaghetti, Morty created a work-around so that he and the family could still maintain the illusion.

That felt very realistic to how, dare I say, all of us have acted at some point, whether it’s the food we eat or that store that sells the jeans that fit perfectly or the online retailer that delivers anything we could possibly want the next day. Maybe, we find out someday that it’s not created in the most ethical manner and we rationalize it. We think, “ Oh, it’s not that bad.” or “ I can’t afford the more ethical option,” or "I have such few joys in my life I don't want to lose this as well.” It’s easier to uphold the illusion of being morally upright under a system that makes it exceedingly difficult to do so. But even if the capitalistic system is destroyed can we ever really be absolved? This leads to the second moment that stood out, Rick’s monologue.

“Life itself is wrong and that means death is right. But you can’t side with that. So you live, even when it means eating.”

My interpretation is that Rick is saying, “Life, by it’s very nature, is inherently unethical and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Even if the meat you eat comes from an animal that is well taken care of, killed as quickly and painlessly as possibly, and processed in a facility that treats its workers well and obeys all regulations—that animal still had to die in order to produce that meat. You’re a vegan. Plants are still living things and for many plants the process of getting food from them destroys them in the process. Millions of bacteria are destroyed every time you wash your hands. Life needs other kinds of life to end for it to keep going, but humans are the only creatures that are aware of this fact so we create arbitrary categories around which types of life are okay to destroy (categories we can’t all agree on) in order to maintain the illusion of morality.

This episode does not have a feel-good message among the jokes and absurd characters and I appreciate that. This one got my brain a-churnin’ and I’m sure I read way too much into this episode but I couldn’t help myself.

[th3-0bjectivist]

Dear listener, recently I’ve been semi-regularly online gaming (Grim Dawn on Steam) and exchanging musical notes with Tumblr mindful-hempress. In a recent fun exchange, she sent me a video of a fairy girl licking amphibians and tripping balls in the forest. Fresh off her astute recommendation I asked her if she was ‘ready to dance??’ and introduced her for the first time to the music of Phantogram. Having never heard of them, she responded very positively to the music video for their song Fall in Love from their 2013 album Voices (smash play on the track above). Specifically, she praised the voice of lead singer Sarah Barthel and kept on sampling their tracks, I assume, well into the effervescent night. So, it worked on her. Now I ask you, Tumblr. ARE YOU READY TO DANCE!? If the answer is affirmatively YES, YES, YES!!!… scroll down for some more details, you degenerate sicko. If the answer is no, well, then kindly fuck off?? If the answer is middling, read on...

This is a psychedelic pop duo I’ve highly enjoyed for about a decade, and they managed to hook me fairly quickly with their street-beat, synth-heavy tunes. Their music is equal parts batshit crazy and deeply emotional, and they generally manage to hit both extremes on every single one of their albums. A New York band consisting of two pre-school friends, this group found at least a tepid amount of initial success with extensive interest in singles related to their self-titled 2009 EP. A year later, they released their first full length album, Eyelid Movies, which, while not a slam-dunk music-market success, enabled them to set up their foundational roots and original sound. Starting in the mid-2010’s their music started to pop up on the radio, commercials and even video games. Recently, I was playing Grand Theft Auto V and one of their songs randomly started playing as I was cruising around Los Santos. I consider them to be one, if not my favorite electropop act, as they can produce sounds that are both emotionally gritty and hypnotic, all while keeping me interested in what they’re going to do next. Perhaps the best part of music by Phantogram is that no matter what, I always have a hell of a lot of FUN listening to them. Whether I’m trying to decode some of their lyrics, or listening passively in my car to one of their darker tunes, or just sitting at home listening to one of their full-length albums… I can’t get over how much FUN this duo is to listen to and watch. Just below, you’ll find You Don’t Get Me High Anymore from their 2016 album Three. Smash play and as always, enjoy!

Just wanted to point out that I bookended this post with a song about falling in, then out of love. I forgot to mention above that I really enjoy all the tricky wordplay in a lot of their jams. Even if all the lyrics don’t make 100% sense, they still can throw together one hell of a well-constructed poetical verse. I don't really like pop music, but I like Phantogram A LOT. Image source: https://phantogram.bandcamp.com/track/as-far-as-i-can-see

[presidenthades]

⚠️HOtD season 2 ep. 4 spoilers⚠️

Your thoughts on this ep🎤?!

Adding my two cents: SUNFYRE AND AEGON WERE SO CUTE, but wtf was that fight🧍🤨 Aemond bbg wtf?? Anyhow, cuties:

TLDR: I’m not even mad anymore, I’m just disappointed (by the writing, per usual; the rest of the show is fine). I’m mostly still on the S2 boat because of the little moments like Sunny and Egg. It makes for great fanfic fuel!

Honestly, this was Criston’s best episode of the entire season so far. Getting him away from Alicent and putting him on the battlefield showcases his better qualities. Also, I love his interactions with Gwayne, it gives me life. Would totally watch a spinoff series where the two of them go on side quests.

I feel like the Harrenhal scenes aren’t super important narratively and the screentime could’ve been devoted to other characters. HOWEVER. The Harrenhal bits are just so fun to watch that I can’t really complain. TBH, it feels like Daemon is getting the best writing (in terms of character arc and narrative coherence) of all the main cast. But uh…one does wonder why he drinks a random-ass potion from a witch lady who just told him he’s gonna die at Harrenhal. (Speaking of whom, I am greatly enjoying Alys Rivers. I’m glad they haven’t made her a femme fatale. She’s just weird. Joff would love her.)

Opinion: they got rid of Kermit Tully and made Oscar the heir because the show wants to minimize Muppet memes. Very sad. 😔

If you’re following my blog, then you know I’m an Aegon fan, so I acknowledge I’m probably biased. But all of the Greens are just shitting on Aegon this episode, holy cow. I totally understand Aemond being snotty and excluding Aegon from schemes; even in the most generous interpretation of their brotherly relationship, they’re often at odds and Aemond looks down on Aegon. But Cole is the Hand of the King, not the Hand of Aemond. Even if Cole is on the front lines, he should be including Aegon.

Alicent has just completely lost the sympathetic traits she possessed in S1. I’ve never thought of her as an especially good mother, but she did love her children—definitely Aemond and Helaena, and there were the “do you love me” and standing between Aegon and the dragon scenes. She also seems to have forgotten that she was one of the people yelling at Aegon to step up and take the crown, and now she wants to hit the reverse button. 🙄 S2 Alicent is not the same character as S1 Alicent, and even S1 Alicent varied from episode to episode. For fic purposes, I’m just completely ignoring what the show writers are doing with her because it makes no sense.

I think TGC would’ve killed a scene where he gets to speak more fluent High Valyrian, but it makes sense that Aegon isn’t good at speaking it. Aegon has never been the scholarly sort, and High Valyrian (if you’ve been trying it on duolingo like me) is not an intuitive language for English-only speakers. I do think Aegon should’ve learned more dragon commands at least, but apparently Sunfyre decided to be the world’s first bilingual dragon and learn common tongue for Aegon’s sake. :3 At this point I’m convinced that Sunfyre is the only living creature who actually unconditionally loves Aegon. No wonder Aegon is messed up.

Back in Driftmark: we finally get confirmation of who the Hull boys are! Not explicitly, but it’s hard to deny that they’re Corlys’s kids like in the book. I kinda wish we got more scenes with Rhaenys talking about/interacting with them though. She seems to have had complicated feelings about the boys.

Visually, the battle was amazing to watch. Some of the best shots I’ve seen during the entire show. But, as I often complain about, the characters’ actions don’t make sense. If you’ve been on social media, then you’re probably aware that Aemond attacking Aegon has been very controversial, and for good reason. I cannot comprehend the Aemond stans (I’m an Aemond fan, but I’m very aware that he’s a flawed character who can act stupidly sometimes) who refuse to acknowledge that this was NOT a good move. Vhagar is a formidable dragon but she can’t win a 1 v 4 against Caraxes, Syrax, Vermax, and Moondancer (and those aren’t even all the dragons the Blacks will eventually have). Vhagar could take out some of the other dragons, but she’s definitely dying in a battle like that. So no, this was not a smart or strategic action on Aemond’s part, at all.

It could be explained as an action taken in the heat of the moment, with Aemond overcome by adrenaline and his anger toward Aegon. But we just saw Aemond two episodes ago being sad about killing Luke, against whom he held a grudge for years because of his eye. Aegon is his brother, and their interactions in S1E8 indicated that even if they’re not besties, they do operate on the same wavelength. Aegon was an idiot for making fun of Aemond in S2E3, but that should not have pushed Aemond over the edge to attempted fratricide/regicide.

At least Cole and Sunfyre care about Aegon, since clearly nobody else does. 🥲 *author shoves a Jacaera toward Aegon*

[abbyholdwrites]

Love on Earth, Ep 1.

Hi! This is a little something i’ve been working on recently, idk whether or not to continue it but i like it so far.

also my first post on here. I’m hoping sending my stuff out into the aether will inspire me to write more. we’ll see ig

anyway this is 3836 words written as podcast transcript!

hope you enjoy :)))))

The following is a transcript of the Love on Earth podcast, directed by Marcus Klien and hosted by Jane Rudolph. In this episode, Rudolph interviews two “star-crossed” lovers from New York, now in their old age, on how their lives intertwined.

“Let's start with when you first met her.”

“I’d met her for the first time on the 3rd of December, 1962, shuffling down a quiet sidewalk in Manhattan as dark clouds, promising to bring intense flurries, loomed overhead. She had been bundled in an easter yellow trench coat, with a matching hat, and white silk gloves. Her stockings, originally white, had been splattered with gray and brown from the icy sludge on the sidewalks. She walked faster as the clouds moved to block the sun, covering the streets in blue darkness. I love watching storms from my apartment window. There's something so relaxing about it, knowing that outside was dangerous but that I’m safe inside. I’ve loved it since I was a little boy. So, as flurries began to fall from the sky, and my building began to sway in the wind, I watched the woman huddle at a bus stop. The streets were empty, and the buses had stopped running in preparation for the storm. The paper had been warning of this great blizzard since last week, how could someone be so stupid? But as the snowfall became heavier and heavier, the woman didn't leave her spot. I realized that she’d freeze to death if she stayed out there much longer, so I grabbed my coat and scarf from my coat hanger. I remember how I ran down those stairs. Hell, I probably started skipping steps, but I didn't want to risk this woman in yellow losing her fingers. I don't really remember crossing the street to get to her, it was just a white snowy blur, but I do remember following the vibrant yellow of her jacket, like a beacon calling out to me. When I reached her, it was like time had gone into slow motion. She looked up at me with crystal blue eyes, lips, and cheeks bright red from the chill, making her freckles pop out. Red hair was neatly bobbed around her shoulders as her lips parted. I knew then that she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever see.”

“What happened that night?”

“Oh, why it was so long ago that the memories are now a bit foggy, but I remember bringing her up to that little apartment. At the time I was in my 3rd year of college, so it was the cheapest apartment I could find without needing a roommate. See as a youngster I had quite a bit of… Uhhh what do you call it today… oh yes, social anxiety. People just made me nervous, you know? Of course, it's not like this stopped me from having friends or going out, I just… liked my space. But because of this, I only had a studio apartment. So, as we got inside, I realized that I had forgotten to introduce myself. I told her my name, and she gave me the strangest look as she said ‘Isn't that a girl's name?’ and I was taken aback because… Charlie? A girl's name? I mean I know some girls these days are named Charlie but back then… Well, I'd never met a woman named Charlie. But I was so nervous that I just… Nodded. She was the last person I introduced myself to as Charlie. From then on I started going by Charles, I didn't need people thinking I was girly. She introduced herself as Millicent as she looked around the house. She opened her mouth to say something else, but a gust of wind shook the rickety window. She snapped her head towards the noise and walked towards the window. It was then that I realized I had forgotten to ask her to take her shoes off as she tracked filth across my floor, and onto my rug, as she looked out to the streets below. My pals all just… knew to take off their shoes, so I didn't know how to tell someone to take them off, or if it was even polite too. So instead, I watched her ground even more dirt into my shag carpet. Her face reflected off the glass, brows furrowed. She then turned to me and asked if I had a radio. I nodded, taking off my shoes as I walked to my kitchen to grab my little radio. As I set it on my coffee table, Millie was taking off her shoes. I asked her what to tune it to, and she said, ‘Whatever will tell me what's going on with this storm.’ so I did, KWO35 I believe it was. And so we sat and listened.

The man on the radio said that the storm was predicted to last the next four days, with little letting up. The governor put a shelter-in-place order and closed all public transportation until the storm let up. I asked her how far she lived, and she said farther than she could walk. She then asked me if there were any hotels nearby as she gathered her hat and bag. I looked at the clock, and back at her, telling her the nearest hotel was a good 15-minute walk, and that it was very late and very cold. Looking back now, I'm sure that was one of the coldest weeks in New York's history. She dipped her head, looking at her feet, before looking back at me, beautiful blue eyes boring into me. Oh, how lovely her eyes were. They sparkled in any speck of light. So full of innocence and love… but regardless, I told her that she should just stay at my apartment until the bus lines were back up. Her face flushed. ‘I don't know if that’s a good idea…’ she mumbled to me. I was speechless. Once again I was just some dorky college kid, I wasn't really good with girls. Let alone pretty ones looking all soft and sweet in my apartment, you know? But, I tried my best to make her feel comfortable. I told her that I'd sleep on the couch so she could take my bed. She refused, saying she’d just walk to the hotel. She made her way towards the door, grabbing her hat off the hat hanger, and buckling her shoes. I looked outside, to the snow furiously dropping, and then back to her. She would have died if she had tried to walk to that hotel. I knew that, she should have known that. I lunged and grabbed her hand as she screamed, tears welling up in her eyes. I was… panicked, to say the least. I didn’t mean to scare her, honest. I just didn't want a pretty girl getting hurt. But, I let her go. She grabbed her coat and walked out the door. I stood there and listened as the clicks of her heels echoed down the hallway. I don't really remember what happened after that, but I do remember that about 10 minutes later, there was a knock on the door. At that point, I was in just a robe, since I was getting ready for bed. I looked through the peephole, only to see Millicent standing there again, face red and hair dusted with melted snowflakes. I fumbled with the lock and threw the door open. Her shoes were brown and muddied, her stockings damp, and her makeup smudged.

“I couldn’t make it to the hotel…” she said, wiping her hands on her coat. I smiled and opened the door, stepping aside to let her in. The poor thing was shivering as she took off her shoes and stockings. She left them in a pile by the door as I went to grab her some warm water. When I returned, she had my ratty throw blanket huddled around her. I took it from her as I handed her the water. She looked at me confused as I walked to my room. I grabbed my best blanket from my bed, replacing it with the other one. I brought the new blanket back to her and I wrapped it around her shivering form. I gently took the hat off her head and hung it on the hat hanger. That night, she fell asleep on my couch while I was in the shower. I took the liberty of moving her to my bed, and I slept on the couch.”

“That's quite sweet, how long was she at your house for?”

“She was there for two nights. We were trapped inside because of the storm, and it just refused to let up. I had assumed that after the blizzard had stopped she would have gone to the hotel, but I was pleasantly surprised when she didn't bring it up. I cooked for us while she sat on the couch sketching the most beautiful couture pieces. So talented. She continued to take the bed, much to her annoyance. She didn't want to ‘intrude’ on me. Of course, I was more than happy to have her company. I'm typically a loner, but… oh how I adored having her with me. Those dinners I had with her, the conversations… ah it was lovely. But regardless. All things good need to come to an end, and soon, the radio announced the opening of bus lines, and she was on her way.

“So when did you first meet him?”

“The first time? Well the first time I had met Charlie, I'd been working my job as a waitress down at Barnaby’s. I'd been in high school working that job to make some spare change. Movie money you know? It paid ok, and people tipped well. He was seated in my section during the summer of… 59’ I believe, and I don't remember much, but what I do remember is that he called me Bear. Now at the time, I was very confused, but I later learned from him that he didn't mean it as in the animal, he meant it as in the berry. Like strawberries. Oh yes of course I had been called strawberry before, what ginger hasn't, but, Bear… that was new.

But you're asking about The Blizzard of 62’ right? Yes, yes, of course. I swear I'll never hear the end of it. It was my sophomore year of college, I was working to get my degree in fashion design. I'd recently been lucky enough to get an internship at Stein & Brickley, a very popular fashion label at the time. I don't believe they're still around. Such a shame. But still, I had been on my way home from my first day of work. They had kept me later than I was supposed to be there, on account of the blizzard, but I assumed that I'd be able to make it to the bus stop before they stopped for the night. Unfortunately, around halfway to the bus stop, I realized that I had left my keys at the studio. So, I ran back. In the process, I ruined my tights. Such a shame too, they were a gift from my mother. But regardless, I grabbed the keys and then went back to the bus stop. But as I was speeding there, I felt a gust of wind hit my back. I looked at the sky behind me, and it felt like the heavens were closing in on me. It's probably one of the scariest things I've ever seen to this day. So I began running, but unfortunately, my work heels didn't allow me to run very fast. Soon snow began to fall around me, and as I reached the bus stop, it was an all-out blizzard. I looked at the clock inside the stop, then looked outside. not a headlight to be seen, the streets of new york, for the first time in my life, were empty. I've never seen them that empty since. I felt like a fool. I'd known of the storm, but I didn't have the confidence to tell them I needed to leave so I didn't miss the bus. So there I sat as the sun set and the temperature dropped. Tears welled in my eyes as I realized, “Oh dear, I'll be stuck here all night.” It's not like I could walk at the time either, my apartment was in Queens.

Then, I saw a figure in the shadows of the blizzard. He looked like a mirage, a ghost. Ha, at the time, I had assumed that death had finally come to take me. But no, instead I was met by the kindest brown eyes I had ever seen. Sure, he looked like a complete fashion catastrophe with his striped scarf and his red coat, all over green plaid night pants, but I really didn't care much about the fashion sense of my hero as much as I cared about getting out of there. He reached his hand towards me, and I took it in mine, and through my satin glove, I could feel the warmth of his hand. He smiled at me, and I knew that I had come across the kindest man I'd ever meet.”

“And then what happened?”

“Well, he brought me into his apartment. It was much nicer than my place, and we stood in a beat of silence before he introduced himself, and, oh my brain must have been frozen because I heard him say Molly! And so of course I was like, “Molly? Isn't that a girl's name?” He looked a bit miffed, his cheeks puffing out, but honestly I found it a bit endearing. Regardless, the howling wind drew me towards the window, and as I looked out, in the reflection of the glass I could see Charlie looking at me. It was then I realized that I was in a man's apartment, no, a stranger's apartment with no way out in the middle of a storm… completely trapped. Not only that, I didn't know how long I'd be stuck there. My mother always told me to be careful around men, and when alone with one always keep the door open. I was also instructed to never anger them or seduce them, as that is when they get the most dangerous. I turned to him and asked if he had a radio, while also scanning his body for danger. It was then I noticed that he had his shoes off and that I had tracked sludge across his floor. So as he went to grab his radio, I quickly slipped my shoes off and sat on the couch. He asked me what to tune it to, and I kept my head down and told him that anything that had the weather would work. The radio hissed and buzzed as he cranked the little dial. It cut in and out, but I was able to grasp “Blizzard of the Century” and “3 Nights.” “doozy for the bus lines.” My heart sank as I looked back outside to the gusting winds. The last place I wanted to be was stuck in a stranger's apartment for a weekend, so I cycled through my options. Busses? Closed. Taxis? Not in service and if they were they'd be insanely expensive. Obviously, I couldn’t have walked home. Book a hotel? Well, actually that would work, but at the time I didn't know what hotels were nearby. So I asked, and he seemed rather against letting me leave his apartment, which made me nervous. Had I walked into a serial killer's house without realizing it? So I insisted, and finally, he told me that the nearest hotel, The Marley, was 15 minutes away, and then he repeated that I wouldn't be able to make it. I scoffed because, of course, he would say that if he was trying to kidnap me. So out the door, I went into the cold. Unfortunately, I had… miscalculated how cold it truly was. Now have you ever been outside in a blizzard?”

“No, I haven't.”

“Oh then let me explain. Blizzards aren't just snow, they're also ice and strong wind. And in New York, the wind is cut into channels by the buildings, making it even worse. So when you combine snow, which is ultimately solid water, and sometimes hail with wind… well it basically throws projectiles at your face. It felt like my skin was being sliced up by the snow. Worse, the wind was blowing towards me, so I was fighting with icy ground, the wind, and the biting snow. I made it five minutes out before looking down and seeing my shoes browned with sludge. At that point, I looked ahead, seeing no sign of a hotel, and decided to eat my pride and turn around before I turned into a popsicle. So I trudged back to Charlie's place. The elevator man recognized me from earlier and let me up. I sighed and knocked on Charlie's door. I heard shuffling, and then rattling as the door unlocked, revealing Charlie in a white fluffy robe. I held back a laugh as he gestured for me to come in. “I couldn't make it to the hotel,” I mumbled, taking off my shoes. Shivering, I sat on the couch, waiting to be lambasted for my stupidity. Instead, he left the room. I took a worn blanket from the couch and wrapped it around myself to stop the shivering as he returned with a cup of warm water. He looked at me for a second and took the blanket from my shoulders before disappearing into his room. He then returned with a softer blanket and laid it over my shoulders. I stayed there for the next few days, and my goodness was it fun. It was so nice having a company like that. We ate together, played games, listened to the radio, and I got a bunch of work done. Yes yes… it was so fun that I actually found myself upset when the bus lines opened up and I had to go home. I know! I was so against staying there, but then when it was time to leave I got all upset. But, I left regardless.

“So what happened once you left?”

“Well, getting back to my apartment was nice. Although my lights were on the whole time I was gone, so my electricity bill was… astronomical. But after that, I went back to my daily routine. I mean what else was there to do. In the grand scheme of things, that blizzard, those few days, were only a brief period of my life. Regardless, I got back to buisness, working my internship. Of course, my bus stop was still directly across the street in front of his apartment, so sometimes I saw him in his window, silhouetted against the yellow of his house lights. On occasion, I could catch him walking into his building. I’d wave to him, and he’d wave back, and that was the extent of our interactions. As for my internship, as I mentioned earlier, Stein & Brickley was incredibly popular at the time. They were known for their matching sets. Jackets with matching hats, shoes, gloves, and bags. Today, they're incredibly popular to buy as “vintage” pieces. Oh how strange that is, to think that clothes I may have helped design are considered “vintage.” Now, as wonderful as the clothing itself was, it was… not the best working environment. Now all fields are competitive in some way, but creative fields like design are very… dog eat dog. There are so many people who want to go into fashion or design or art, and these companies know that, so they can pick and choose from a wide pool of people with similar skill sets. Then they can figure out who will work for the least money, or who's willing to never take any vacation days. I got my internship through my professor, and I was barely getting paid, so I knew that I had to work my tush off to make sure I was constantly putting out good designs. And of course, this is without mentioning my boss. Mrs. Debfort, the lead designer of the brand. Oh, she was a spitfire. Looking back, I really admire that she had such… a strong personality at a time when soft femininity was valued. In a world full of butterflies, she was a hornet. But, that's how she climbed her way to the top. For a while, I was simply an errand runner, rushing all over the city to pick up fabric samples, coffee, lunches, or contracts. I expected to be designing pieces off the bat, not doing the jobs of an errand boy. But, regardless of my concerns, I was encouraged by my professor.

“Everyone starts out doing coffee runs, it's normal!” he said.

And maybe he was right. But I felt so stuck. What is the point of an internship if it isn't to get practice, learn about the industry, and make connections? It seemed like the only people I was connecting with were workers at the nearby coffee shop. But of course, I couldn't quit. I mean it was an amazing opportunity… Well, and I got a great employee discount. I worked in that job for a year and a half without promotion, and my god if that wasn't the most exhausting year of my life. Mostly because I was trapped within my own role. After that long as an errand girl, I once again went back to my professor and asked him if this was normal, and once again I waved off. Oh, it made me so mad. I could barely afford to exist in the city, and I was already in a crappy apartment, so I told my professor that, and I was told that I needed to be patient. But I couldn't anymore. So, I realized there was one thing I had to do. I gave that job another 6 months. 6 months to get a promotion to doing actual relevant work, or else I'd quit. My professor called me in one day near the end of the 6 months and informed me that his contact at the company had noticed that I'd been slowing down. I told him about my plan to quit, and his face flushed as he scolded me. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life. I was told that I would never make it in the industry. I was devastated, and walking out of that office I began to sob. But I was stubborn. I still am, and I decided, “Hey, these people don't know me, they don't know my skill, I can make it on my own '' and so a month before my 6 months was up, I quit. I was so scared at the time, but I wouldn’t change a thing. What quitting that job did for me was priceless.”

thats all i have for now… if you read this far i love you and also what’s your favorite color <333

[biasunknownblog]

JAE’S FAVORITES (SO FAR) OF 2025

My name is Jae and I am a Multistan.

Through the first half of 2025 I made the conscious decision to keep track of all the kpop/korean music I listen to and write about how much I enjoyed it, what I liked most about and what were my favorite songs off albums. I'm so happy I did because I feel like it's helped me appreciate music more and to listen more intently to albums.

Written below are little blurbs about all the albums I fell in love with and upcoming releases that I'm excited for in the later part of the year. If you read this, thank you from the bottom of my little heart. I'm mainly doing this for me but I hope to grow this blog and have other kpop stans contribute and write about their own favorite groups and albums!

Without further Ado.... I give you THE LIST.

[ Click for the playlist of all my favorite songs thus far! ]

BSS - Teleparty

It may have been three songs and it may only last for 9 minutes, but it gives me so much serotonin when it’s on. (and I repeat it maybe 4 times when I do listen to it so really it’s 36 minutes long….) CBZ alone made up my entire personality for two weeks straight when it was released and I’m not even remotely exaggerating. 10 stars, no notes. I love BooSeokSoon. 

GOT7 — Winter Heptagon

Winter Heptagon feels almost like an open-ended love letter to Aghase. I can’t even imagine the hoops that Jay B had to jump through to get the boys back together for this album (and concerts!!) but I’m so glad he was able to and it feels like none of them missed a single beat. It feels like a love letter to AGHASE. They even ended the album with a “Yours Truly, “ and boy, does it rip your heart to shreds. 10 stars obviously…

G-Dragon — Ubermensch 

Kwon Jiyoung’s comeback to music was a gift from whatever entity you believe in. This man was seriously meant to make music. I know Home Sweet Home was a pre-release from the album but OH MY GOD the amount of HAPPINESS that song gives me?? Unmeasurable. It’s the (mini) BIGBANG reunion we were hoping for. 

Yeji — AIR

This album felt like a breath of fresh air. HWANG YEJI IS THAT GIRL. She came, she slayed, she left me speechless with her insane vocals on this EP. I find myself humming to 258 almost on a daily basis. I really hope ITZY can someone incorporate some of the sound from this solo EP into their next comeback because I swear, people need to stop sleeping on my girls!!!!!

HOSHI X WOOZI (HXW) - BEAM

If there were ever two individuals that I hoped would ever make a sub-unit… it would be Hoshi and Woozi. Their personalities play off each other SO well (too well sometimes) and it literally creates the most perfect chaos. Woozi is a genius. Hoshi is a mastermind… and a tiger. I’ve never been a “go to the club” kind of person but STUPID IDIOT makes me WANT to be. 

Stray Kids — Mixtape : dominATE

Lets be honest, they literally ate with this release. I’m such a sucker for unit songs and they did not disappoint for these (then again, they never disappoint). If I’m being TRUMAN… sorry, I mean TRUTHFUL… the album is pure CINEMA. You can’t ESCAPE the way GIANT makes you want to rice down the street, BURNIN’ TIRES…. okay. I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself. This album rules, straight facts, no printer. Stray Kids World Domination continues.

BOYNEXTDOOR - No Genre

This was my first real introduction to be BND and they did not disappoint. I remember sitting down to listen to this album and I was kind of taken aback with how instantly I liked it. “NO GENRE is quite literally the perfect name for this album. It does not have a single genre. It goes from an almost old-timey, vintage sound to an upbeat pop vibe with solid vocals. I FEEL GOOD is the perfect summer song to drive with all your windows down to. 

JIN - Echo

Here’s my TMI for the day. I used to have a playlist called “World Wide Comfort” and it had only Jin solo songs on it. (Epiphany, Awake, Moon…) and I would cry every time I was feeling down because his voice WAS my comfort. I could have never dreamed he would put out TWO solo albums and that they would both carry the same amount of comfort all this time later. I feel like Echo really encapsulates Jin’s range in vocal talent. Come on… ROPE IT???? Who else but Jin?

Seventeen - Happy Burstday

Obviously. OBVIOUSLY. Besides all the silly censorship in Bad Influence and Shake it Off. It’s no a no-skip masterpiece. Having a solo from every member including Jeonghan and Wonwoo is really special. They’re all tied at number 1 for my favorite song. (Okay maybe my favorite is Raindrops by Seungkwan but don’t tell anyone).

XLOV - I ONE

Ever since I’MMA BE came out early in the year, I KNEW I was gonna love these guys. As a non-binary human in this world, I truly, truly appreciate all the androgyny that this group represents with their genderless concept. Also, BIZNESS had no reason to go that hard but I’m so glad it did. 

Yugyeom - Interlunar

Interlunar makes me feel so dreamy. I’ve always been in love with Yugyeom’s voice, and I feel like with every song or album he puts out it just gets better and better. Like the moon itself, every song on this album is solid and soulful. You can tell how much effort he put into it with a single pay through. 

KATSEYE - Beautiful Chaos 

I debated on putting this in my list only because it’s technically NOT Kpop…. but since it’s my blog and my list and I’m the one making the rules…. I’m leaving it in. 

Okay. First off, GNARLY is a generational BOP and I will not be debating that fact. Music doesn’t have to “make sense” in order for it to be “good”. The girls really just went off on this album. No two songs feel like the same genre and yet it’s still cohesive. Means Girls is a certified GIRLY & QUEER ANTHEM. If you haven’t given Katseye a chance yet… let this be your sign.

YET TO COME:

A couple things that I am looking forward to in the later half of this year, in no specific order.

1VERSE DEBUT (7/4) MULTIVERSE! I’m so excited for this album to come out that I can barely stand it! Having followed them for a little while now, pre-debut, and seen their personalities via instagram and b-stage platform, I just KNOW they’re not gonna have any trouble reaching the top of the charts.

MAGIC MAN 2 — JACKSON WANG (7/18) Jackson’s first MAGIC MAN album was on repeat for me for a long while after it came out in 2022. DOPAMINE, CHAMPAGNE COOL, CRUEL… all some of my favorite songs to date. (If HIGH ALONE, GBAD, BUCK, and HATE TO LOVE are any indication on how the rest of the album is going to sound then we sure are in for A F’N TREAT!)

This is For - TWICE (7/11) Honestly, TWICE has never let me down, not even ONCE (ha ha get it?) I’m stoked for this comeback (and after watching KPOP Demon Hunters) Maybe we’ll get that kind of vibe??? Takedown anybody?? I wouldn’t be mad about it.

The Star Chapter: TOGETHER - TXT (7/21) Nothing needs to be said about this. New TXT album? I’ll be there. ALWAYS. 

<NOW> - Se So Neon (8/15) I’ve been a fan of Soyoon for a little while now and never have I disliked anything she’s put out so I don’t see any reason to NOT be excited about this upcoming album! Twit Winter is already a banger, and so is Jayu. You can never have enough Korean indie rock in your life. 

WHATEVER BTS HAS PLANNED FOR US! I’m adding this in here directly after that first OT7 live early this morning on 6/1!!!! New album Spring 2026! They hinted at a WORLD TOUR. I’m so excited for anything and everything coming our way from these boys. I’m so happy to have them back. 

[dream-thief-forever-amen]

Mid year round-up as inspired by some of my mutuals. My 2025 Cdrama ratings:

Voted Best by Rewatch “X Factor”:

Revenged Love. I’ve rewatched the six eps that have already aired at least four or five times each. Some of that is because the subtitles are so bad I get a different story and tone depending on where I’m watching it. But most of that is because this is a prime example of the crazy toxic messy gay love stories I live for. I will be deeply annoyed if everyone gets their edges completely sanded down and get really fluffy and sweet at the end of this show. Or if the Chinese government shuts this drama down somehow.

Really Good Shows:

The Blossoming Love is definitely my favorite costume cdrama this year thus far. I loved the characters, the romance, and the wild plot. I had an extreme attachment to the second lead and his moody asexual ass. And the idea of literally destroying your gods deeply appeals to me. I will probably rewatch this every year or so. I’ve already seen it twice. Just pressed all my weird quirky buttons. Loved the dual roles of the two main leads as well.

The Demon Hunter’s Romance was nothing flashy but I had a great month or so watching this air. The main couple’s romance won me over with their endless conversations and cute excitement to be together. That last ep sucked but otherwise my heart was completely won over by these young folks discovering their soulmates. I’ll probably rewatch this every few years.

Love in Pavilion. I didn’t realize this was going to be a deeply tragic drama where nearly everyone’s story is unbelievably sad. Even so, it was beautiful and everyone in it was beautiful and I had a lovely time sobbing for hours. I will probably rewatch often this because it’s so beautiful and there was so much going on - and I’ll probably cry every time, too.

Prisoner of Beauty. I got swept into this story, with its diplomatic canal building. It felt very realistic in that the rate of change was sooo slow. The main couple may have come together amicably my midpoint but they were still figuring each other out and making compromises up until the last episode. Patience and persistence were the winners of this story. I doubt I’ll rewatch this often though.

Legend of Zhang Hai. Puzzles, secret rooms, & booby traps galore! This was a tense mystery thriller that held me captive the entire run. Great performances, amazing production design, and stellar script. I doubt I’ll ever rewatch it but I loved it the first round.

Good:

Eternal Brotherhood 2. It’s just so different from everything else. I love the characters in it and didn’t mind that it felt like a “middle story” plot line. Though until I see how this will conclude I can’t determine how often I’ll be inclined to rewatch it.

First Frost. A fairy tale for abuse survivors. I loved it but it’s honestly just insane to have such a white knight girl’s dream male character in the modern era. But who cares, I love fairy tales and this sweet story really wormed its way into my heart. I won’t be rewatch it ever. Straight couples in modern dramas are not my jam.

A Moment But Forever. Fun fantasy with some nice thoughtful moments. Nothing really sticks in my mind which means it will be enjoyable to watch again.

The Glory. Cheesy, soap opera fun featuring a room full of scheming antagonists. Nothing special but I enjoyed these devious people.

Wasn’t for me:

Love of the Divine Tree. My love of the male lead’s face kept me watching but I just didn’t vibe with this story or the leading lady. I wanted to love it sooooo bad. It still hurts I didn’t like it. Curse you, brain!

Guardians of the Dafeng. Just not my brand of storytelling at all, but it was nicely done so I watched it all. Just too shonen vibed for me.

A Perfect Match. Cute and yet didn’t really grab me. I wasn’t emotionally attached to any of the sisters. Considering there were so many of them, there should have been at least one but meh.

Filter. A unique premise but the story was a mess. Too cheesy and felt like a sit-com instead of a drama.

Si Jin. I watched more of this than I should have before dropping it.

Kill My Sins. Technically I am still watching this. It might pull through but right now I just pop it on when I need a change of pace.

Love & Sword. It was not bad it just felt like well worn territory. Nothing captured my attention.

Objectively Bad.

Feud. Whyyyyyy? Sigh. What a waste. Everything sucked. It will just infuriate you so skip it.

Moonlight Mystique. Criminally bad lighting. Lame plot. Not the best acting. Zero chemistry with main couple. Second couple were interesting enough, I guess, but barely.

Looking forward to:

The White Olive Tree. Everyone loved it so I guess I better check it out.

Sword & Beloved. Cheng Yi in a forbidden love story? Yes please!

The Journey of Legend. Cheng Yi playing dual roles? Yes please!

Shui Long Yin. Luo Yun Xi is in it and he looks beautiful and that’s enough for now.

Legend of the Female General. It looks good.

[onomatopagu-et-cie]

The Killing Vote (ep. 1-5 notes)

I’ve been enjoying this drama and I wanted to post some thoughts about it! This last week’s episode kept me on my toes! It’s a crime they only air a single episode per week, truly a crime aaaa

I don’t really know if people watching this drama are on tumblr but I’ll post here anyway!

Have a nice week!!!

(SPOILERS UP TO EPISODE 5!!!!)

I love Joohyun’s relationship with Kwon Seokju so far, the scene where she played for him Mozart’s Requiem (if I’m not mistaken) while we see her hanging Narae’s stuffed bunny was soothing! Seeing a different approach than Kim Muchan is nice!

KMC’s relationship with KSJ is really intriguing: we only get KMC’s (quite unreliable, that’s what makes it even more interesting!) pov in the first episodes with almost no dialogue between the two of them, and the recent episodes give us another side to their story through KSJ! I really wonder how their relationship got soured (especially from KMC) to the point KMC advises Joohyun not to get too close and get manipulated by KSJ: besides his own guilt for not being able to save Narae in time nor catch her murderer and the fact that the one he looked up to killed Byun Wootaek, something else must’ve happened for it to get THIS sour. What is going onnnnnnn? Or is it all an act? (and KMC/Park Haejin has some sad puppy eyes on par with Im Siwan's and Jung Haein's I can't haha) He affirms KSJ is arrogant and wouldn’t hesitate to take the law in his own hands if it can’t solve the problem while he himself pushes investigations with ways off the record to arrest culprits. He shows a bitter attitude in front of KSJ and Joohyun most of the time when he talks about him, but at the same time he also confided his guilt to Joohyun in private and seemed to regularly ask how KSJ was doing in prison during the past 8 years. I also get the feeling he was asking the warden if KSJ was regularly getting health checks by a doctor out of worry besides the investigation.

(This is some crack theory, but what if the one who murdered BWT was KMC and not KSJ? At this point, the narration is really unreliable so I wouldn't even be surprised!)

On that subject, I wonder if the drama will address KSJ’s health issue with his collapsed lung/asthma again ; his medical visit also seemed shot in order not to show the doctor’s silhouette at all, I wonder if this will hold any significance later on (it could be Jihoon’s grandmother, who knows!)? Not to mention Uhm Eungyeong, the culprit on ep2, was poisoned by Gaetal knowing she had asthma????

When the judge ruled Byun Wootaek’s acquittal (ep4), his gavel (a symbol of the justice) was shot struck right in front of KSJ’s silhouette, above his head, as if justice itself crushed KSJ. A similar symbolism is used in ep5’s Killing Vote:

The flashbacks are beautifully shot, ep4 was really moving. This scene’s lighting furthered the tragedy: it’s as though the orange light and the blood on Narae burn into KSJ and KMC’s profile as they find her, contrasting with Narae and the background’s cold tones:

Also when KSJ recalls how he murdered BWT, the same orange hue colors the shots.

In ep5, we finally hear the voice of a man who is thought to be Gaetal, when he’s talking to KMC over the phone. The opening shows the cast’s profiles, but there’s this one character we haven’t seen yet:

The man in question could totally be this character that wasn’t introduced yet! He’s probably the ‘executor’ of the Killing Vote, who was chatting with the teacher Lee Minsu.

I think Gaetal is definitely not the work of only one person: there’s at least the executor, tech-savvy people organizing the vote (the stream, the text messages, the hacking, …), the one on the stream (or maybe there’s more than one on the stream, a different one per case because the tone and attitude are never the same: agressive, vengeful, or bubbly, or caustic…) and perhaps someone in the police.

The teacher could be Fan no. 1 and/or Gaetal (if it’s not the same person/group): In ep4, we learn KSJ’s « Fan no. 1 » (1호팬, [ilho fan]) regularly sent him letters which would describe in details how the culprits subject to the Killing Vote would be ‘judged’. In ep3, the teacher talks to this ‘executor’ under the pseudo ‘justice15’: if 15 is read with the sino-korean numbers for 1 (일 [il]) and 5 (오 [oh]), the pronunciation would be close to ‘no. 1’, so this could not be a simple coincidence. Also ‘justice’ could be a taunt directed towards KMC’s vision of justice (he uses 정의 to describe his ideal of justice to KSJ) since he seems to deeply resent KMC.

Gaetal uses KSJ and KMC’s words (‘devils deemed innocent’, ‘rational justice’) and interestingly, another character who talks about rationality is the assemblywoman (‘rationality, moral sense and mothers are stronger than the law’)!

Also, this dude is on some twisted christian trip: in ep4, we get a glimpse of the teacher’s tattoo, a cross on his chest that reads… ‘My daddy My hero’… which was what Narae used to say to her father (her hero, making her safe because he’s always there to protect her) and a part of her room’s decoration…

Well, if he killed Narae and his mother made Byun Wootaek the scapegoat for every crimes he committed this far, something must have gone wrong this time for him (and his mother) to deeply resent KMC to the point of wanting to kill him: they managed to pull the strings of the police and judicial system, but KMC must have discovered Lee Minsu was the real culprit (perhaps after KSJ killed BWT) and tried to kill him, which might’ve worsened his heart condition somehow.

(And it’s interesting how the second screenshot shows the teacher discarding his now bloodied watch in disgust after hearing KMC saying ‘I was willing to break rules to catch this heinous criminal as soon as possible’ mmmmh…)

Just as Captain Oh completely denied his liability in ep5, he must have felt wronged, Narae’s case being the only one that 'sullied' him (and this must be why he changed names, from Lee Yunseong to Lee Minsu). Associating the accusations he must’ve faced because of Narae’s case and KMC to the Passion of the Christ in a sick, twisted way, he must’ve thought this tattoo as his own crucifixion leading to his rebirth/his revenge through the Killing Vote?

If the teacher is the mastermind behind the Killing Vote, choosing culprits involved in CSE, SA and CA so far for the votes could be: 1 — to mask his true identity, seemingly siding with true justice while he’s one of those he judges. Also, choosing keywords associated to BOTH KSJ and KMC could be to mislead the police to believe Gaetal is close to KSJ and both KSJ and KMC to suspect one another 2 — a sick way to play with KMC’s concept of justice and using KSJ's trauma (and KMC) ; 3 — to hide the final objective of the Killing Vote: since he gives the public a pretty convincing and sophisticated fact-check all the circumstances surrounding the culprits’ crimes (Gaetal even said in one of their streams that a culprit wouldn’t be subject to the vote if their crimes weren’t true), this could lead the public to believe every case would be exposed truthfully. Which means one of these cases could be fabricated and nobody would realize it at first. If the teacher organized the Killing Vote to get back at KMC (this also seems to benefit his mother’s campaign), perhaps the last vote would accuse KMC or KSJ of Narae’s murder (since no culprit was found guilty) or another crime.

At his final trial, KSJ accused ’the police who released BWT because they cared more about their performance’. We now know the police commissionner, KMC’s superior and the assemblywoman were all linked somehow to what happened 8 years ago. We also got a flashback of Choi Jinsu, KMC’s colleague who was also the detective in charge in both Narae and KSJ’s case, who gave KMC the hint of Byun Wootaek being the culprit. KMC, unlike him, ‘isn’t interested in politics’… He also recognized the teacher as Lee Yunseong, potentially his name before murdering Narae. In ep5, Joohyun automatically ruled CJS out of the suspect list because he’s not close to KSJ… If the premise that Gaetal must be close to KSJ is wrong, then his involvement could be possible: perhaps he was ordered to tamper with the procedure and the pieces of evidence during the two cases? Also, I wonder if KMC’s reputation will get addressed, his superiors must’ve pressured him to follow unofficial orders or he got to discover these orders (eg. maybe in Narae’s case?) and ever since he’s the man to ask for to do the dirty work? Or KMC could have deliberately gained his ‘Wipeout’ reputation to get closer to the truth of what happened 8 years ago?

In the first episode, the video test Joohyun found on Joomin’s laptop is named ‘Lrae091515’: if the drama takes place in 2023, the tragic events surrounding KSJ, KMC and Joohyun ‘8 years ago’ would have taken place in 2015! Could this refer to the final day of KSJ’s trial (or the day Narae was killed)? The pseudo ‘justice15’ could also be a reference to that date.

As for the ‘Lrae’… It could be a wild WILD guess but ‘Lrae’ could be ‘irae’ as in Dies Irae/day of wrath (capital i looks like a lowercase L), which is a sequence in Requiem mass!

The video test was only found on Joomin’s laptop when all the Internet cafe computers got the virus: the one who hacked the computers likely targeted Joomin or her sister, a police officer deliberately.

The tag in Narae’s room (‘the 13th was wrong’):

(It’s also a bit disturbing the tag was sprayed right on top of the ‘My daddy My hero’…)

— the narrative makes us think the tag refers to the 13th failed stab but it could be something else entirely (and perhaps KSJ is keeping this hint to himself?) — if the christian subtext truly exists in this drama (especially with the teacher’s tattoo), 13 is a number often linked in superstitions to the Cena, Judas (who betrayed Jesus, thought to have been the 13th guest to sit down to the Last Supper) and bad luck: whoever tagged this maybe wanted to signal KSJ the man he killed wasn’t the true culprit.

There is also a similar version in the norse mythology I found here:

« In his book “Extraordinary Origins of Everyday Things,” Charles Panati traces the concept of the cursed back to Norse mythology, when Loki, the god of mischief, gate-crashed a banquet in Valhalla, bringing the number of gods in attendance to 13. Deceived by Loki, the blind god Hodr was tricked into shooting his brother Balder, the god of light, joy and goodness, with a mistletoe-tipped arrow, killing him instantly. » And… we see the teacher communicating through the ‘Loki’ network (a wordplay for what would be Tor I guess, just as Apple would become a pear on laptops in media haha)!

(This is quite a reach, but for posterity in the opening, the 13th character shown is KMC, and in reverse order Jihoon haha)

The tag neither the news articles on Narae and KSJ’s cases weren’t in Gaetal’s video test:

idk how to explain, but I get the feeling that person A (who leaked the video), B (the Gaetal we see on the video), C (the Gaetal who’s now organizing the Killing Vote) & D (who tagged the wall and pinned the news articles about KSJ and Narae) could be different characters with respective objectives too. The drama highlights a bit too much the premise that Gaetal is one single individual that’s close to KSJ haha At the very least, whoever leaked the video knew someone else, especially KMC, would eventually be able to recognize its contents (‘devils deemed innocent’, Narae’s room and her stuffed bunny). Also for posterity, KMC was the one who ostensibly redirected KSJ’s attention to the picture of the tag on the wall.

The assemblywoman and the teacher both have a habit to touch their ear sometimes (eg. when she talked to him about KMC ; when the teacher was watching the student during PE). Jihoon also did it right after the teacher left: was it to try to reproduce what he did to understand what he was watching or is he linked to them?

At the very least Jihoon seems to know some things about the Killing Vote, the teacher as well as KMC:

— In ep1, he bumped into Joohyun as he went to retrieve one of the cups the teacher seems to make a collection of.

On the cup, there’s an ’S’ graved on it, just as the telltale sign of the Killing Vote is the character ㅅ/siot (시옷), the first character of 사형 (death penalty/capital punishment).

— He seems to know more than he lets on about the Killing Vote and keeps staring at the teacher (as though he knows his past crimes, eg. the closeups on the teacher grabbing/borderline groping Joomin’s shoulder, watching the students during PE etc.).

— He seemed startled when Joomin talked about ‘zombie PCs’.

— In ep3, Jihoon says: « I think [he] took it too far this time. » right after he saw KMC being alive and the man with the cap escape (which could totally be this character in the opening we’ve not yet seen). In Korean, the subject is often omitted and deduced from the context, it’s the case here: the drama keeps the ambiguity on whatever Jihoon meant here.

— Him being Narae’s friend would also make sense: as Narae was 8yo, she would be around Joomin and Jihoon’s age if she was still alive. There’s also Narae’s drawings that keep being showed, a boy/young man is always drawn on it.

As a child’s representation of adults and children could be inaccurate (the height, physical appearance, etc.), the characters we see on her drawings could be alternatively KMC (who was close to KSJ and given KSJ’s answer, also doted on her daughter), KSJ, a boy Narae used to play with (it could be Jihoon), the teacher or BWT, the son of the driver and the housekeeper who were also close to Narae and KSJ.

The assemblywoman asked her assistant to observe her son closely: I guess that refers to his health but it’s also to make sure he doesn’t commit crimes anymore. She also said to her son he definitely knows she’s ready to do anything to make Gaetal join her so that her campaign is successful: this + joking on TV how a mother is above the law suggest she definitely pulled strings to save their reputation (eg. using BWT as a convenient scapegoat ; tampering with the trials ; changing his son’s name etc.).

Joohyun thinks Gaetal acts like a hacker. That would also make Jodan (in ep5, he revealed he was arrested for hacking), Jihoon, the teacher and Joohyun herself suspects!

KSJ’s interest in Joohyun is curious: he even looked into her background once he met her & seems to focus on her habit to scratch her scar ; KMC’s comment on how unusual KSJ’s behavior was (specifically requesting Joohyun to communicate with ; negotiating his pardon — while he didn’t regret what he did at all) makes me think that: — in the letters or in some other way, Gaetal must’ve instructed him to obtain a pardon (perhaps they even told him to get rid of the letters to make him indispensable to the police) — Gaetal must’ve told him he would seek the truth to what happened to Narae: for someone who didn’t regret avenging her daughter, revealing Byun Wootaek was a scapegoat and the true culprit is roaming free out there would be plenty enough drive for him to find a way to get out of prison — whoever they are, Gaetal must’ve an ulterior motive to involve Joohyun, KSJ and KMC together

The first episode showed similar shots of KSJ and KMC (same backlighting, same low-angle shot, KSJ avenging his daughter and KMC lashing out on Bae Gicheol to stop him from abusing his wife):

I wonder if we’ll get to see KMC’s relationship with the woman on his photo (likely his mother), this is probably the only shot we get of him smiling not out of spite ;;

For Mu in Muchan, one of the hanja that can be given as a name is 橅, which means law, and it’s ironic given how the law failed him and KSJ ; sometimes characters are given names that will hold meaning in their development eg. Donghoon & Jian in My Mister ; Dongsik and Juwon in Beyond Evil.

For Ju in Seokju, there is 澍, which means timely/long-awaited rain ; rain has marked 2 important events in KSJ’s life: when he discovered his daughter’s body and when he was arrested by KMC after murdering Byun Wootaek ; there’s also 炷 which means wick, aligning with the OST lyrics (a fire burning in one’s eyes)