#so day two onwards I actually will be so normal about this

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

I went five days without my adhd medication (I was waking up waaaay too late to take something that could maybe negatively impact my sleep. I already struggle with insomnia. I’m not giving my sleep meds any disadvantage) but today I woke up earlier (by comparison) and I’m vibrating. It will be normal again tomorrow, but I hate when I first take it after missing at least a day. My body decides that I need to speed run my day before it gets normal about it

Me, once again, having missed a few doses before this one, experiencing this:

[hulloitsdani]

What do u think Kiran is

How do u think the order sees kiran

*slowly sits up in my chair*

I think Kiran is a very normal person. This is someone you and I have met before. Be that from the other side of grocery store cashier, waiting in the same elevator, or walking by on a crosswalk. Kiran is a civilian from our world trying to roll with the punches of being warped somewhere completely alien. And you can see it in how they conduct themselves.

I always have a lot of fun writing Kiran’s dialogue because their casual modern speech almost feels like a dialect in comparison to the more formal fantasy tone everyone else speaks with. An “ain’t” will never exit Alfonse’s mouth, you know? And there’s a difference in “Do you have gold?” vs “You got gold?” To me, this gives Kiran an air of unfamiliarity to anyone they interact with. Let’s use Grima as an example, because it doesn’t sound like this grammatical change would make much of difference until Kiran has the audacity to hit Grima with a bro mid sentence. But that’s just how they talk. And as sweet and friendly as they are, there’s always moments like that to remind that no one has the cultural context to fully understand Kiran. Except for the audience, who can realize that Kiran let the customer service voice drop to talk to Grima like he’s an actual person.

And that’s just about how they talk! This view is only emphasized by every other thing about them! They’re a lovable goof, which is normal chill person behavior in the audience’s eyes but feels REALLY ODD to the characters of FE’s medieval fantasy war setting. There is this air of unknown about them that the more socially perceptive will pick up on and will try to come to a conclusion about. Example, I imagine Soren would interpret a lot of this as a dangerous and deeply annoying lack of intelligence from someone he has the displeasure of sharing a tactics table with. Or looping back to the Grima example, he would totally think Kiran has greedy ulterior motives behind that pleasant facade. It takes a lot of work for those types to realize that the discrepancy present isn’t really any of those things. But I also wouldn’t be too surprised if Kiran doesn’t try to directly prove any of those assumptions wrong unless they have to.

Why? Well now it’s time for the implications! Oh how we love the implications.

Because the Summoner is a different story. No one has any fucking clue what that is.

I can tell you what Kiran has pieced together so far. Summoning people from across time and space is apparently not easy. It’s not some school of magical study that some mage could pull off with enough time and research. Trust, Eitri tried. It’s a lot of complex moving parts. For example, the contracts. The contracts Kiran automatically binds their summoned to don’t even compare to the ones Veronica used in book 1. They are far more intense and infinitely harder to break. The only way out of them is if Kiran wills it so. Not even death is an option, because Kiran can come in for the revive. If they had to guess, it’s an older, more completed version of the art. Something lost to time. But no matter the case, Kiran has the ability to take full control of whoever they manage to summon. From a lowly farmer to the divine. And their power only grows.

In a similar vein, if there was any character to canonically see the hud, I think it would be Kiran. It’s genuinely part of their power set. I have previously described Kiran as the party mage until Veronica shows up to be the actual mage, but it would be way more accurate to call them a mystic/seer. They see the map, everyone’s stats, and is doing a fast amount of math to give the combat forecast. Then, upon processing all this information their enemies couldn’t dream of having at their disposal, Kiran can telepathically communicate any change in plans to anyone under contract. Kiran is not inherently some great tactician the moment they touch ground in Askr; they simply can do things no one else can. They’re learning the actual tactics part on the fly. This makes them simultaneously the largest ace up the Order’s sleeve and potentially its biggest liability. If they fall, it could cause a whole system cascade. By that same token, some of the biggest threats the Order has faced are the ones who do their research and rightfully target Kiran.

Now. Thinking critically about all that. That’s downright terrifying. A ridiculous amount of power has been dropped callously into Kiran’s lap and they have to work extremely hard to be moral with it. It’s terrifyingly easy not to be. It would actively take less effort to ‘take the reins’ as it were. But in order to be able to sleep at night ever again, they go the extra mile to not invalidate the will of their summoned. To take over like that. To make a colony of worker bees out of people. Because oh dear god they just summoned a child and the fact that they could easily force them to fight and die for them, only to be revived and do it all over again, is HAUNTING. No. No the Order has an in house orphanage now. This kid is getting adopted and cared for god damnit or Kiran might just pop a blood vessel. And sure that child is going to be a child and there will never be a world where they get along with everyone else, but that’s just going to need be a problem they address when they get there and not an excuse to use Hubris; the power set. Now replace the word child with everyone they ever summoned and you have the wider philosophy they apply to the entire Order.

They’re hyper aware of the power imbalance. They hate it with every bone in their body. They work really hard to correct it in whatever way they can.

So Kiran might not jump on the opportunity to correct those who think lesser of them. It’s… oddly comforting to know someone is keeping a critical eye on them. Holding them accountable. Especially since so much of the order just thinks of them as this quirky yet well meaning host. And, really, what can they even do about that? They have gone over the contract with every hero they summon and despite that they still choose to stay. So, what, do they try to inspire more mistrust? The problem with that they would have to actually do acts that intentionally inspire mistrust. And even if that was successful they can’t just waste the extra man power because every other month there’s some new divine asshole who wants them all dead. And if they fail that means they have to start their life from square one and god they can’t do that again so—

Just breathe Kiran.

It’s fine. You’re fine. Just breathe.

You have work to do.

[ameliathornromance]

He first saw you picking flowers.

The Orc was on a walk through the town centre, heading towards the beach. It was too nice a day to be staying inside, baking in the heat and becoming one with his leather sofa. If he must melt into a large green puddle, he will do it at the beach.

As he strolled through the town centre, he admired the impeccably kept gardens of lush grass, bright red roses, purple and pink lilies. And amongst the colour, was you.

The Orc stopped in his tracks, watched you working, trimming away at dead flower heads and picking off wilting leaves. This was the first time he’d ever seen someone take care of the gardens.

The peaceful smile, combined with the delicate way you picked the flowers enraptured him with a kind of calm that he hadn’t felt in years.

You just looked so content, so natural to be surrounded by the bushes, as if you were a deer drinking water from a still lake.

Feeling eyes on you, you looked around to see the source of your discomfort. Locking eyes with the Orc, he flinched, “s-sorry.” He apologised, looking away from you. “I didn’t mean to stare.” He must have looked really creepy to be watching someone so intently.

You smiled at him. “It’s okay, it’s not a normal sight.” Tucking the flowers into the crook of your arm, you stood and made your way over to him. “I mean, it’s not often you see someone raiding a public garden for flowers, right?” You let out an awkward chuckle.

The Orc nodded in agreement, reflecting your awkwardness. “Yeah, I guess not.”

Silence sat between the two of you for a moment. “I’m technically not allowed to be picking them.” You said, after a moment. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything.”

Smiling, the Orc assured you, “I won’t tell a soul.”

From that point onward, he made it a point to go and see you at the gardens every day. It was such a rarity to see someone be so happy in their own company, doing their own thing.

He didn’t like to just watch you though, he always made conversation with you. The last thing the Orc wanted was to make you uncomfortable. It would look to other people, a lone Orc, sat on a bench while a pretty young lady tends to the flowers in the public garden.

Through your talks, he learned that you actually work for the local council and take care of the garden every day… while taking some of the flowers home for your own viewing. “I mean, I tend to them, I should at least be allowed to take some home, right?” You told him.

The Orc had nodded absent-mindedly in agreement. You were just so passionate about your job, the delight and excitement you had on your face when he asked you botanical questions made his stomach bubble.

You never acted annoyed by him, laughed at his jokes and even invited him to come and help you with your work. Whenever he had questions, you answered them without judgement and with such zeal.

After spending his days with you, he’d return home, the world seemed… dull. Without all the brightly coloured flowers around and your glowing prescence, he sometimes wondered if it had always been this way to him. He then realised it hadn’t, because you lit up the world.

The Orc pondered on how best to tell you about his feelings. There was a part of him that worried you were only nice to him to… be nice to him. But it wouldn’t hurt to tell you how he felt… would it? It’s not like you were ever nasty or cold to him, so there had to be a chance for him, right?

He thought how best to tell you: Box of chocolate? No, too stereotypical. Just asking you out to dinner? That’s way too basic, and then you might think he wants something else.

He didn’t need to worry about that for long however, one hot summer day, you asked him:

“Did you know that the Victorians used to have a language for flowers?”

“No, I did not.” The Orc answered. He was sat beside you this time, holding up a Rose bush so you could reach the thorns at the roots of the plant.

“They used to use it to tell other people things,” you said as you snipped off the sharp edges. “Like, if you wanted to tell someone you loved them, you’d bring them honeysuckle and roses.”

“Huh.” He said, thoughtfully. He was silent for a moment, thinking on what you’d said.

This was it. That’s how he’d tell you he liked you, through Honeysuckle and Roses.

Once back at home, he jumped on his laptop and researched. The next morning, he went to three different florists, and got what he needed.

While in his car, the Orc did his best to rearrange the flowers in an attractive manner. After adjusting them five or six times, he sighed. The Orc still had his reservations. Of course he was nervous, he hadn’t told anyone he liked them since… Wait, had he ever even liked anyone this much?

He shook his head. “Just have to tell her,” he muttered to himself as he stepped out of the car. As he made his way through the garden, picking and making final changes to the bouquet in his hands, he looked up and stopped dead in his tracks.

You stood at the edge of the garden, talking to a human man. You held a strong scowl at the man, who jabbed and pointed a finger at you, similarly angry with you.

The Orc hung back, watching the altercation unfold.

Finally, the man sighed, and raised his hand to your cheek, like he was going to cup it. But before he could, you raised a hand and slapped him hard across the face.

The man let out a shout, grabbed at your wrist and yanked. You jerked forward.

Within seconds, the Orc was by your side and caught you around the waist with a free arm. He glowered down at the pathetic man, “what’s going on here?” He growled.

The man let go of your arm. “It’s none of your business, I was just having a conversation with the woman here.” The man glared at your Orc. “This hasn’t got anything to do with you.”

“It is, actually.” The Orc hissed.

“How so? You’re just some random-”

“I’m her boyfriend, actually.”

The moment the words escaped him, the Orc wanted to clamp a hand over his mouth, to take back the words and hide them away.

His realisation of horror thankfully, hadn’t shown on his face.

The human man flinched. “Oh…” He said. His tone low, “sorry, I didn’t know…” And with that, he turned away and stalked off.

Huffing, the Orc turned to you. “Are you alright?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed. “He didn’t hurt you did he?”

You shook your head, “no, I’m fine… He was just some creep who wanted my socials. That’s all.”

Your Orc friend let out a sigh, “I… I’m sorry I said that. The boyfriend thing…” The bouquet of flowers were still clutched in his hands, petals wilted slightly from the unpleasantness.

He probably really lost any chance now, just announcing that? To a park full of people? He wouldn’t be surprised if you just stopped talking to him entirely.

“It’s okay… I liked the title, actually.” Your words came out small, mumbled. But to the Orc, they were like the clang of a church bell. His stomach somersaulted, his heart thumped hard in his chest, eyes widened.

“I was hoping that you would ask me out at some point… otherwise I would have asked you myself today.” You gave a cheery, but abashed smile.

Clearing his throat, face burning, the Orc held the flowers out to you, “I still can.” He smiled, hands shaking, “would you like to go out with me?”

You bit your lip, taking the flowers from him. “I’d like that.”

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[chewnotchoke]

tropes i'd give to boynextdoor + their theme songs

it's my first time writing here on tumblr so i hope u like it! reading experience would be better if ypu try to listen to the songs! enjoy <3

sungho - strangers to friends to lovers

- song: get you by daniel caesar

𓍯 it all started from the cliché 'i was dozing off and was too sleepy after school i slept on his shoulder without my knowledge.' he smiled to himself once you got off of the bus because he thinks you were too cute.

𓍯 you started running to each other often ever since you take short walks by the park every afternoon, and sungho walks his dog there as well. (he saw you once walking and he started doing the same so he could see you everyday)

𓍯 "can i pet your dog? what's his name?" you slouched to pet the corgi you thought was cute. "sungho." "pardon?" you chuckled. "ah-i mean sochi."

𓍯 you started being friends with him when you offered to walk his dog one day. luckily, sungho lives across the street in the same neighborhood.

𓍯 walks with his pet turned into walks with sungho himself where you would find yourselves eating at a restaurant for dinner. sungho would offer to walk you back home just so he could spend more time with you even though your house is just five minutes away from his.

𓍯 sungho has always liked you from the beginning. you liked him when you two were walking late at night and he was yapping nonstop about his hobbies, favorites, and of course he would also ask about your interests. you realized he's so nice to also talk about you and he wasn't that narcissistic guy who just talks about himself. "what about you, do you like this too? i didn't think you'd like that...oh! i felt like you were into these kind of things!"

𓍯 you never found out you two have met before at the bus until you asked sungho his first impression of you.

𓍯 "ms. y/n..have you ever dated before?" he dropped a random question on a normal day where you'd walk with him and sochi. "uh..i haven't...?" it was kind of embarrassing for you that you've never dated before. "then would you be fine with dating a guy like me?" he stops walking and faced at your direction as the corner of his lips form a smile.

riwoo - second chance romance

- song: everything by the black skirts

𓍯 this hurts because you're in the same circle of friends with him. at first, youre the type of exes who would walk past each other without a word. riwoo's heart would ache everytime

𓍯 couldn't and would not entertain other girls because he's waiting for you to come back

𓍯 he would message your close friends in the circle to ask how you're doing. one time, he found out you were sick and your friends were all busy and your classmates didn't know where you lived so he rushed to your apartment with medicine and porridge and ended up taking care of you. despite knowing your door passcode, he knocked on the door to give respect without actually barging himself in until you let him inside.

𓍯 "are you okay?" he hugs you out of worry. "riwoo, you can't just hug me like this." he snaps out of it and realized what he's done which might have put you in an uncomfortable situation. "i'm sorry." he apologizes. "no, it's okay. i'm worried you might catch it too. thank you for taking care of me."

𓍯 he's very caring and thoughtful even as exes. when he notices you're down, he would anonymously leave your favorite food on your desk because no one else knows you best aside from him. he knows you would not eat it if you knew so he tries his best to keep it a secret from your friends.

𓍯 cried on your shoulders when he was at his peak of vulnerability because he misses you so much and he said he could not handle walking past each other anymore and acting like nothing happened between you two. "can we try again?" he looked straight into yours with his eyes pooled with tears. "only if we both promise we'll do better this time." and from that day onwards, your relationship with riwoo was better than before.

jaehyun - 'i wont give up until you fall for me'

- song: adore you by harry styles

𓍯 this man is a down bad loser in love for you. when i tell you there's no other woman in the world for him, trust me.

𓍯 he likes you a lot but not in an overwhelming way. he just wants to prove he can take care of you well.

𓍯 jaehyun is very open when it comes to expressing his love for you. social anxiety is scared of him because he's always verbal about his feelings even when surrounded with a lot of people. "can you slow down, pretty?" you've been trying to walk in a fast pace because he's been calling you pretty. you weren't trying to run away because you hate it, you just don't want him to see your red face because you honestly love it when he compliments you. "there's so many people can you please stop calling me that?" he quickly catches up after you. "then you should stop being so pretty and cute in front of me." he sniffs like it was so easy for him to say that. the people around you looked in your direction and smiled at jaehyun's remark.

𓍯 would intensely stare at you every chance he gets because he loves admiring all your features. "has anybody told you you have such pretty eyes?" his comment would leave you all flustered. "when will you stop looking at me?" you rolled your eyes. "hm...until you melt?" he gave you the sweetest wink, teasing you.

𓍯 you started dating when you accidentally confessed he's good looking and he makes your heart race. "i bet there aren't any other guys in the world like my boyfriend!" your friend starts bragging about her man. "tch! i bet no one's as handsome and sweet as jaehyun!" both jaehyun and your friend were surprised with what you just said that you started running away when jaehyun was asking you to repeat your words. "what? you think i'm handsome? does that mean you like m—oh my god! do you like me too? are you my girlfriend now?!" he jumps around the street with how happy he was to finally win your heart.

taesan - brother's bestfriend (jaehyun as your brother)

- song: sweater weather by the neighborhood

𓍯 your brother brings him home a lot to play games and you'd ask your mom if she has prepared some snacks for them just so you can enter their room to deliver the food and shoot a glance at him

𓍯 you know a lot of girls like him and you're glad he's best friends with jaehyun because you get to see him hang around your house.

𓍯 although he's not the type to strike a conversation first, he actually looks at you when your brother talks to you and you would accidentally meet eyes with him where you would immediately look away

𓍯 he unconsciously grew this habit of watching out and taking care of you after all the times he has seen your relationship with your brother. one time jaehyun left the two of you at the park after forgetting something at home. taesan would grab the end of your shirt to pull you closer after a bicycle just passed by. "be careful, jaehyun might scold me." no. it wasn't because of jaehyun. it's because he cares for you.

𓍯 he tried to keep his little crush on you a secret because he's scared jaehyun might not like him for you.

𓍯 "hey! you're supposed to wash the dishes today! dont even dare to pass that job to me again and run away later!" you threw a pillow to him before walking away. you glimpsed at taesan who was sitting beside him before you run upstairs. jaehyun chuckles, "ah that kid...isn't she cute?" jaehyun glued his eyes on the tv while pressing the keys of his game console. "yeah, she is." taesan didnt know it would come out of his mouth. jaehyun slowly turned his head to the flustered taesan. "what did you say..?"

𓍯 your first kiss with him happened when you were reaching your brother's book in the shelf. when you turned around, taesan was towering you while he reaches the book for you. your faces were too close he ended up kissing you with consent and that's how you started dating.

leehan - slowburn/first love

- song: spring snow by 10cm

𓍯 he's just so first love coded!

𓍯 the opposite of jaehyun. he tries not to make it obvious that he has fallen for you.

𓍯 the type to look at you when you're not looking. he knows you were looking at him from afar at the cafeteria and when your friend talks to you, he'd grab the chance to look at you the same way and he would find himself smiling on his own.

𓍯 would tilt the umbrella towards your side while his shoulders are already wet just so you wouldn't get rained on.

𓍯 loves admiring you from afar because he gets to look at you without feeling embarrassed.

𓍯 during a class retreat, you got asked by your classmates what's your ideal type. leehan was too dense to realize you were talking about him. "someone with sparkly eyes...and fluffy hair? someone who looks like they'd make a good partner?" you answered. 'hm? is there some guy like that in our school?' he thought to himself.

𓍯 king of acts of service. not good with words but he's insanely good in expressing his feelings through actions.

𓍯 it took wayyy too long before the two of you confessed to each other. it was so obvious to all of your friends that you like each other but you and leehan are the only ones who don't know about it. maybe because you're refusing to believe he would like someone like you.

𓍯 "how could you fall for someone like me? i don't think i'm as good as other girls and you're just...way too out of my league." your eyes were glued to the ground, in a disbelief that leehan likes you. "what do you mean 'someone like you?' you're everything i could ever ask for..." he brushes your hair with his fingers before pulling you into a hug.

woonhak - friends to lovers

- song: this is what falling in love feels like by jvke

𓍯 he's very extroverted, but when it comes to expressing his feelings, he tries to be nonchalant about it. (he doesn't want to be teased by his friends).

𓍯 would get this and that for you because he remembers you mentioning how much you liked it. "what's this?" you asked wonhak who placed a cinnamon bun on your table. "just saw it when i was passing by." he answered without looking at you.

𓍯 would use "y/n, wanna try the newly opened restaurant down the street?" as an excuse to go out on a date with you because he infact have been to that restaurant already.

𓍯 you knew you were starting to fall for him because his smiles started to hit different than normal days. "oh, woonhak? i dont remember you being this cute?" woonhak shyly rubs his nape, at a disbelief that you found him cute.

𓍯 you fell asleep on their couch while hanging around his house and he pulls the blanket over your body so you won't get cold. he started admiring you in your sleep and thinks you have such long eyelashes. he'd flinch when you move and pretended he was doing nothing.

𓍯 "hey! woonhak! look at this!" you were all giggly while playing around the water fountain and he was standing, watching you have fun before deciding to get himself wet and play with you around the fountain as well.

𓍯 he offered to dry your hair with a towel. he'd be so playful with it and mess with your hair for fun. "hey! stop it!" he would laugh and then pat your head with so much affection.

𓍯 you love teasing him that he likes you because he's so cute when he gets flustered like his secret has been revealed to the world, but you didn't expect it to backfire immediately. "what would you do if i do like you?" he says.

reblogs are very much appreciated ><

[galaxy-fleur]

hii! so, i saw your post about leon smut headcanons and i kinda loved it! can you make one for chris too? thank you <3

I love a good opportunity to think about Chris... Wrote this with post re6 and onwards Chris in mind!

In my head, Chris' libido has always been a bit on the lower side, though I do think it gets significantly better once he works through his issues that were plaguing him during re6. He's obviously in a way better place mentally, and his sex life is a perfect reflection of that. He likes to have sex with his partner maybe once or twice a week, but it's usually a lengthy and intense fucking session. You could even crack a joke that he's just charging up his inner battery before going at it with you, though he won't be very amused (he totally will).

Every choice Chris takes, no matter how tiny, is weighed down by a great deal of obligations and expectations. He doesn't regret choosing this life for himself. It goes without saying, though, that carrying this great load of responsibility all the time is exhausting.

Sex is, in a sense, both his comfort and outlet. Nothing compares to returning home from a long, demanding day and losing himself in your shared touch and pleasure until his brain is blissfully empty. Maybe that's why he likes to do it methodically and slowly. He gives you everything he has, just like he does in his career. He is devoted and enthusiastic. Not to sound too sappy, but having sex with him always reminds you why you fell for this man in the first place.

In terms of his tastes, I believe he would be quite skilled at using his hands to satisfy his partner. And I mean every part of his hands. Biceps, palms, fingers - everything. There's just something about using these hands of his that are usually meant for holding weapons and inflicting damage for something else that makes you both feel good. It just... flips a certain switch in his brain.

Needless to say, he touches you constantly. Be it gentle caresses over the contours of your figure or fervent groping at any flesh his greedy fingers can reach. He needs to have his hands on you and feel the warmth of your body under his palms. Getting you off with one hand while keeping your back flush against his chest with the other, his mouth swallowing up all of your beautiful sounds, is probably one of his favorite things to do. There's nothing more satisfying to him than feeling you being totally ensnared by him.

If you're into that, and you are okay with it, I do see him finding a certain thrill in putting you in a headlock, too. It'd be painfully obvious that he's holding back on you, though. Almost funnily so, because at first, he'll barely put any pressure at all. He simply does not wish to cause you any harm, bless his heart. It's sweet of him to care. He won't complain, though, if you're all for being smothered by those biceps of his.

I do not see Chris as a rough sex-partner per se, but his size and strength sort of give off that impression once he gets real into it. However, before engaging in any actual fucking, he always makes sure you're nice and lubricated, whether it's by natural means, or with the help of some lubricant. He knows that he's big. He's honestly more embarrassed than proud of it. So be sure to give him lots of compliments! Having said that, I do believe he has a slight praise kink. On the receiving end. Even though Chris normally takes the lead, a few tender kisses and sincere compliments from you will quickly make his knees buckle and his breath hitch. So... that's something you can take advantage of whenever you feel like it.

I would say that his favorite positions are face-off and doggie, as well as good old missionary. After a difficult week or two, doggy is a terrific way to relieve stress and release all of his pent-up energy. But as you go at it, it usually becomes a pinned doggy. He just can't help but want to be close to you. Conversely, face-off is for more intimate, slower, and emotionally charged sex. Primarily when he needs some consolation. It's a bit unconventional, but I see a lot of meaningful conversations occurring during or after that type of sex with him.

He's louder than you might imagine when it comes to how vocal he is. He rarely full-on moans, but what he does a lot is groan. And he groans pretty loudly. It's a very hot thing to have him pant, huff, and rumble into your ear because his voice just naturally becomes deeper and raspier when lust clouds his head. He usually cums with a broken gasp, throwing his head back. An absolutely stunning sight to behold, and a terrific incentive for you to spoil him by sucking him off, but I'm getting off topic. He's also the type to talk during sex, oddly enough. Not even dirty talk, but actual conversation.

It's a weird quirk, and it sure can get annoying when he's actively thrusting in and out of you, and then starts talking to you about what happened at work earlier. With that, he's a bit of a weirdball. Still, off-topic discussions aside, he's big on communicating, so it's not all bad. He can and does say fitting things too! He's very prone to talking you through it, so speak.

You can expect him to say something like: 'I've been thinking about this all day... Coming home to you, having you like this.' 'Are you close? Yeah, I know, I got you. Just look at me, will you? Just like that. Perfect.'

Chris pays close attention to aftercare as well. Usually asks you a few questions to see if you're sore or uncomfortable anywhere, and takes care of you if needed. Before cleaning himself, he always makes sure to clean you off first. Huge on cuddles after sex. He loves it more than anything else. Simply to keep you close to his chest once your sexy time is over. The fact that he's like a big, cozy teddy bear for you to snuggle with is definitely a pleasant bonus. Always prepares your breakfast the next day, even when he has to leave. You need to get your strength back! Or so he claims. He really just does it as a thank-you.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

── THE GLASS PRINCESS // TWO

Series Synopsis: You wake up in a strange room with no memories, broken glass at your bedside, and a prince named Zuko as your only chance at figuring out who you really are.

Chapter Synopsis: You arrive at the Royal Fire Academy for Girls and meet your roommate.

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Zuko x Reader

Chapter Word Count: 5.1k

Content Warnings: complicated relationships (strangers to friends to lovers to enemies to strangers to lovers to enemies to lovers), amnesia, alternate universe, lots of secrets and lying and mystery

A/N: oc warning from this chapter onwards ig?? i had to make up students for the fire academy so if you don’t like that then idk what to tell you except that you should probably read something else 😔 but even though jia-li and kaho are not canon characters their brothers are!! we will meet them eventually HAHA although i’m sure some of you might be able to guess who they are based on that

To His Royal Highness The Prince,

I have arrived at the Academy safely. Ty Lee and I were given leave from classes today, to allow us to acclimate to the environment of the school, but tomorrow, we will join the others in our year for lessons. I promise that I will work hard, so that Your Highness’s good name is not sullied by poor performance on my part.

If it does not trouble Your Highness greatly, and if it is not presumptuous of me to make a request like this, please feed Bian a treat when she reaches the palace. She is working hard, too.

Ever Your Highness’s humble and obedient servant, Ursa

P.S. Regretfully, I must report that I have still regained nothing in the way of my memories.

The messenger hawk that Prince Zuko had given you was a beautiful animal, almost draconian in appearance, with eyes like amber and a queenly crest of russet feathers. She had an enormous wingspan and talons so large that if you handed her a scroll, she would be able to take it between them and then fly away without waiting for you to strap it to her back.

“Woah, so pretty!” Ty Lee said as the Royal Falconer wheeled the caged bird into your room, vocalizing your exact thoughts at seeing the magnificent hawk. “I’ve never seen one so big.”

“Pretty’s one word for it,” the falconer said, shaking his head. “She’s likely the finest bird Agni’s ever seen. Actually, she was meant to be a coronation gift for Prince Zuko, but he came to the aviary the other day and told me to give her to you.”

You were so enraptured by the hawk that you almost did not notice what the man had said, but when his words registered, you immediately straightened your back and gave him an incredulous look.

“This bird was meant to be the prince’s?” you said.

“She was, but like I said, she’s yours now,” the falconer said. “By order of that very prince himself.”

You bit your tongue, feeling equal parts embarrassed and guilty about the gift. Although you knew he was doing it for his own reasons, you still thought it was strange for Prince Zuko to be paying so much attention to you. Even if he had saved you, what cause was there to give you such a grand bird? A normal one would’ve been fine. A smaller, more average messenger hawk was probably more fitting for who you were, so why instead was the finest bird Agni had ever seen sitting before you?

“Does she have a name?” you said.

“We don’t name the hawks,” the falconer said. “You’re her owner now, though, so if you want to, you can.”

You thought about it for a second. “Bian.”

The falconer wrinkled his nose, giving Bian a look that she ignored entirely, too busy preening her feathers to notice. You waited for him to say something, anything, but it took him a while before he did.

“It’s an interesting name,” he said.

“Is something wrong with it?” you said. “I don’t know why I chose it. I can change it, if you’d like.”

“It’s not my place to be demanding you change your own hawk’s name,” he said, bowing at you.

“Wait,” you said. “Before you leave — must I keep her caged all of the time?”

“It’s not really common for anyone to do otherwise,” the falconer said. “But I suppose she won’t go anywhere unless you tell her to, so it’s fine if you let her out.”

Although he was obviously hinting that you should not do it, you leaned over and unlatched the door to Bian’s cage. You weren’t sure why, but something about seeing her trapped like that made you feel claustrophobic yourself, like the metal bars were encroaching on your neck, like it was your flight which was restricted.

Bian did not move for a bit, and then hesitantly, she peeked her head out of the door. When she realized that she was free, that the door was open, she flapped her wings, and with a great gust of wind, she took off and perched on your windowsill.

“They should know how to take care of her at the school, since most students bring their own messenger hawks, so you won’t have to worry about her there,” the falconer said. “And if you ever come to the palace again, you can leave her with me.”

“As you say, sir,” you said. “I don’t know enough about messenger hawks and their care or keeping, so I will defer to your expertise when it comes down to it.”

“Good,” he said. “Have a nice day, Miss Ursa.”

“And you as well,” you said, waving at him before racing to the windowsill to admire the roosting Bian. She peered at you suspiciously, but when you raised your fingers and rested them on the space between her eyes, she did not so much as snap her beak at you.

“Be careful!” Ty Lee said. “Messenger hawks usually aren’t that friendly. They’re a postal service, not pets.”

“It’s alright,” you said, stroking Bian’s head, smiling as she closed her eyes and crooned at you. “I think she’s different. Well, at least, I don’t think she’ll bite me or anything like that. She’s nice.”

“If you say so,” Ty Lee said. “Though I think I will stay far away, if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s your prerogative,” you said. “But I’m not putting her back in that cage, so don’t expect that.”

“Sure, I won’t! Anyways, she’ll live in the school’s aviary while we’re there, so it’s not a big deal,” she said.

“Oh, true,” you said. “Do you think they’ll let me visit her still?”

“They wouldn’t stop you. How else would you send letters? Although, I can’t really understand why Zuko even gave you a hawk in the first place. Who are you going to be writing to?” she said, picking her bag in one hand and yours in the other.

“I think he wanted me to write to him,” you said, whistling at Bian, who whistled back before she realized you were actually calling her, at which she rustled herself alert. “Bian, do you know where the Royal Fire Academy is? That’s where we’re going. You can either come with us or fly there on your own.”

Bian cocked her head before diving back into her cage, landing on the perch and tucking her head under her wing. You glanced at Ty Lee, who shrugged, obviously as confused as you were.

“I guess I won’t close the door, but if she wants to be in there of her own volition, then I can’t take the decision from her,” you said.

“At least it’ll be easier to take her to the academy,” Ty Lee said. “Speaking of which, we should hurry up and go — I think the carriage driver is waiting for us.”

The carriage was covered in gold and brandished with the emblem of the Fire Nation. A dragon moose was in the harness, dozing off, its ears drooping lazily as it napped. The driver himself was in a similar state, resting his chin in his hands, his hat low over his head to protect him from the sun.

“Sorry we’re so late!” Ty Lee chirped at him. He awoke in a flurry of flailing limbs, looking around wildly before letting out a deep breath when he noticed that it was just you and Ty Lee. “The falconer came to give Ursa a messenger hawk, so that took a bit of time, but we’re here now!”

“It’s not an issue,” the driver said, patting the dragon moose on the rump and swinging off his bench, taking the bags from Ty Lee’s hands. She relinquished them easily, watching as he put them under your seats in the carriage, and then she turned to you.

“Give him Bian’s cage, so that he can put her in there as well,” she said.

“He won’t put her under the seat, right?” you fretted, gripping the bars of the open cage.

“Of course not, silly! He’ll just put her on the carriage floor or something, and we’ll have to sit around her,” she said.

“Okay, if you say so,” you said. “Sir Driver, please take the utmost of care with Bian when you put her away.”

“You don’t have to be that formal with him,” Ty Lee whispered to you as the driver gave you a strange look before grabbing Bian’s cage, though he did gentle his movements when you frowned at how rough he was being. “He’s just a driver.”

“Sorry,” you whispered back. “I would just feel bad if I didn’t address him politely.”

“They’re used to it,” she said, leaping into the carriage once the driver had left and extending her hand out to you to help you in. You grabbed onto it and let her pull you in beside her. Bian squawked indignantly when you narrowly avoided kicking her cage over, and you muttered an apology to her as you sat across from Ty Lee, folding your hands in your lap and crossing your legs at the ankles.

“Is the academy far from here?” you said.

“Not by much. It’s a quick journey, since it’s inside of the volcano as well,” she said.

“Volcano?” you said.

“Oh, sorry, I forgot you wouldn’t have known much about that! The Fire Nation’s capital is inside of a dormant volcano, but of course, the entire city isn’t actually located in the main crater. Only the most high-status dwellings and government buildings are here; everything else is on the sides of the volcano, just because there isn’t enough space for them here,” she said.

“The Royal Fire Academy is included in that?” you said.

“It’s where all the children of the Fire Nation elite go to school,” she said. “Naturally, it’d be in here, too!”

“Ah, that’s sensible,” you said, for you hadn’t thought that through until she had mentioned it. In fairness, you also hadn’t known that the inner circle of the Fire Nation was located inside the crater of a dormant volcano, but then again, what could be a greater representation of the nation’s pride than the subjugation of nature’s own version of fire?

“It’s a very beautiful building,” Ty Lee said. “From what I remember, anyways. Nothing’s as beautiful as the palace, but the academy comes close. And the grounds…you’ll love them, Ursa! Even though I didn’t like my time there that much, I still have some good memories of just how amazing the gardens were. I can’t wait to show you around!”

“I can’t wait to see everything,” you said. “Is there a library?”

“Duh,” Ty Lee said. “It’s a school. Of course there’s a library. Do you like reading or something?”

“I don’t know. I can’t remember, but I’m sure that I’ll be much behind everyone else, so I’ll probably need to do a lot of catching up so that I can still get good marks. A library is my best bet at finding the information I need,” you said.

“You’re so studious,” Ty Lee said. “I’ve always just thought to myself that as long as I pass, it’s fine!”

“The prince has gone through so much effort to ensure my acceptance in the academy,” you said. “The least I can do for him is prove that it wasn’t a waste.”

Ty Lee beamed at you. “You’re amazing! I bet he’ll be really grateful that you’re so dedicated.”

“It’s good to hear that,” you said. “Besides, maybe it’ll help jog my memory if I read about history and science and other such things. According to Prince Zuko, I was a soldier before he found me, but I doubt he knows anything about my hobbies or preferences, so there’s no telling what might spark something in my mind.”

This was the true reason. Though it wasn’t a lie to say that you wanted to make the prince happy, your own identity was more important to you. The memories of the girl named Ursa, who she had been, who she had loved…you wanted to know all of it. You wanted to know who you were, not in anyone else’s words but in your own.

Ty Lee did not seem to judge you. She only smiled sadly before turning to look out the window, an obvious sign that the conversation was over.

She had been right; the journey to the academy did not take much longer than the duration of your conversation. You were there before you knew it, before you were really prepared for what that meant, but it was irrelevant. Your personal feelings on the matter weren’t important, because this was where you would now spend your time. You were going to be a proper Fire Nation girl, a lady, one who could rejoin society as someone that even a prince might be proud of.

Bian was carted off to the academy’s aviary before you could even think to wish her farewell, but beyond promising yourself you would visit her later, there was nothing you could do about it. That was because a tall, stately woman before you was now commanding all of your attention, her pinched face souring when she saw your plain clothes and meager possessions.

“So you are the Ursa that the prince insisted attend my school,” the woman, who must’ve been the Headmistress, said. “And here we have the infamous dropout of the academy, Ty Lee.”

Something about the Headmistress seemed to cow even the perpetually sunny Ty Lee, for she only ducked her head and folded her hands behind her back in deference.

“Yes, Headmistress,” she said. Following her example, you hoped you were doing it correctly.

“Yes, Headmistress,” you said.

“You two are probably the most sorry students I’ve seen in all my years at this institution,” she said. “You’re lucky that you are who you are and that you know who you know. If it weren’t for the royal family’s interference, then mark my words: you would not be standing here now. Neither of you.”

“Thank you, Headmistress,” Ty Lee said.

“Thank you, Headmistress,” you echoed.

“Luckily, two of our students still don’t have roommates, so there’s at least space for you both to stay. For as long as you can bear to, anyways,” the Headmistress said, the latter part of her statement pointed at Ty Lee, who did not even argue. “Ty Lee, you will room with Kaho, and Ursa, you will be with Jia-Li.”

You had been hoping that you would get to stay with Ty Lee, but there was only so much that you could expect to go your way. Although you had no idea who Jia-Li was, you hoped that she would at least be friendly enough that you could live with her without much complaint.

Ty Lee did not seem optimistic about the proposition of rooming with Kaho. Her sweet face crumpled, but she did not speak up. You wondered what kind of person Kaho could be, if even Ty Lee did not want to live with her.

“Yes, Headmistress,” you said, speaking for the both of you when it became evident that Ty Lee was far too distressed to say anything.

“I will show you to your rooms. You arrived too late to attend today’s classes, so you will be excused, but I expect the both of you to be present tomorrow. At this school, education is our priority, and special admission or not, no one is exempt from this,” the Headmistress said.

“Of course, Headmistress,” you said once again. “I am eager to begin learning.”

She glanced at you out of the corner of her eye before turning away. “Good. Enthusiasm is the first step to success. We’ll see; maybe we can make something halfway respectable out of you after all.”

The room you were to share with Jia-Li had a heavy, plain door, though two placards hung on it, the left emblazoned with the characters of your name, the right with hers. The Headmistress did not even wait for you to enter before marching off with Ty Lee, presumably to where Kaho’s room was.

You opened the door gingerly, cringing back preemptively in case Jia-Li was of an easily startled temperament. When there was no blast of fire in your direction, you stepped in, admiring the small room and getting your first glance at your new roommate.

She had long, silky hair tied in a ponytail with a red ribbon, and her eyes, which were trained on a scroll, were the same color as volcano-glass. The bed on the left of the room was clearly hers, as its blankets were messy instead of neatly made, and she was sitting at the desk by its foot. There were paintings hung on her side of the room, but the side that must’ve been yours was noticeably bare, likely in preparation for your arrival.

“Are you Jia-Li?” you said when she did not look up. She dropped the scroll in her hands and sprang to her feet, her cheeks flushed and her palms clasped together in apology.

“Yes, I am! I’m sorry, I didn’t notice you coming in. Are you Ursa?” she said. You wanted to say no, because you still didn’t feel very much like that was who you were, but you just nodded your head.

“It’s nice to meet you. I think we’re going to be roommates?” you said.

“Yes, they brought your things up just now. It’s nice to meet you, too! My last roommate left after losing an Agni Kai, so I’ve been living on my own for a bit. It’ll be nice to have someone here with me again,” she said.

“Do you get kicked out if you lose an Agni Kai?” you said.

“No?” Jia-Li said. “It’s just a dishonorable thing. She got so embarrassed she had to leave, but it’s not like anyone made her go. Actually, she lost to Kaho, so no one was even judging her for losing. Kaho’s only lost an Agni Kai once, and that was to Princess Azula, so it doesn’t even count.”

There it was again: Princess Azula. She must’ve been Prince Zuko’s sister, but everyone said her name differently. Almost reverently, though they never said the prince’s name like that. It was strange. You weren’t sure if you ever wanted to meet the princess, if she inspired this kind of terror in people.

“Sorry,” you said. “I probably should’ve known that. Actually, I probably did know that, but — I’m not sure if they told you or anything, but I don’t have any memories.”

Jia-Li blinked. “They didn’t mention it, but that’s good to know. Who are you the daughter of? They must be pretty distraught that you’re like this.”

“I don’t know. I’m not the daughter of anyone,” you said. “If I have parents or siblings or a family, they are lost somewhere in my mind, along with everything else I cannot recall.”

“Not the daughter of anyone? Then how’d you end up in the academy? It’s infamous for being selective and only open to the children of the nobility,” Jia-Li said. It didn’t seem like she was upset or scandalized by the fact that you, her new roommate, were just some ordinary girl — she just appeared to be confused.

“Actually, I was found by Prince Zuko while injured and taken to the palace to be healed,” you said. “Now that I am in a somewhat better shape, he arranged for me to attend the academy so that I can rejoin Fire Nation society in a proper way and understand what kind of world I am living in.”

Jia-Li’s jaw dropped. “You’re the one here on the royal family’s scholarship?”

“I didn’t know that was a well-known thing…” you said, rubbing the back of your neck sheepishly, stepping into the room fully. Jia-Li’s face lit up as you opened the bags Mai had packed for you and began to shake out your things to set them up in the room.

“Kaho’s been furious since she heard about it!” she said. “She’s always tried to gain favor from the royal family and failed, so to hear that a girl is coming to the academy that has the very thing she lacks has had her in knots.”

The name Kaho was familiar to you, and not just because Jia-Li had mentioned her earlier. You tried to think about where you might know her from, and then you realized that she was Ty Lee’s roommate, the one that she had been upset about.

“Is she someone dangerous?” you said.

“Depends. Are you talented with bending?” Jia-Li said.

“I’m not even a bender,” you said. Jia-Li winced.

“Then yes, she’s dangerous,” she said. “If I were you, I’d steer clear of her.”

“Are you a Firebender?” you said. Jia-Li smiled, holding out her palm, where a small flame blossomed.

“I’m passable enough. Certainly, I’m no prodigy, but I can do most of the intermediate forms, and I’m starting to try some of the more advanced ones, too,” she said. “That, combined with my brother’s friendship with Kaho’s, is enough for her to mostly leave me alone.”

“I’ll do my best to avoid her,” you said. “Though I don’t even know who she is, so it’ll be difficult.”

“I’ll look out for you,” Jia-Li promised. “Actually, my best advice would be to avoid people you don’t know in general. Most girls here aren’t that nice.”

“But I only know you and Ty Lee,” you said. Jia-Li nodded.

“That’s enough. Two friends is more than most people have, and it’s better to have two actual friends than ten false ones,” she said.

“How do I know that you’re an actual friend?” you said before clapping your hand over your mouth. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”

She laughed. “It’s okay. That’s a good question; one whose answer you will have to determine for yourself. However, whether you think I’m a true friend or not, you’ll have to live with me, so for both our sakes, I hope you come to a more positive conclusion. In the meantime, though, I have to go to afternoon lessons. I’m assuming you’ve been excused from them?”

“Yes, I have been,” you said. “I’m to start with classes tomorrow.”

Jia-Li made a face. “Lucky. You should try to get some rest while you can.”

“I already can’t. I need to spend some time reviewing so that I’m prepared for class tomorrow. I’m already starting off at a disadvantage; I have to do what I can to close the gap between me and everyone else, so that my performance does not reflect poorly on the prince,” you said.

Jia-Li looked impressed. “I’ll leave you to it, then. If you ever need help with your homework or studying or anything, let me know. I’m not the top student at the academy or anything, but my grades are decent.”

“Who’s the top student?” you said. Jia-Li gave you a knowing look.

“It was Princess Azula, before she left, and ever since, it’s been Kaho,” she said.

“Not exactly a person I should be asking for tutoring, then,” you said in defeat.

“Not exactly,” Jia-Li agreed. “Anyways, see you tonight!”

“Tonight? Is something happening?” you said.

“Yeah,” she said. “We’re sleeping. In the same room. As we will be, until the end of the term.”

“Oh, right. I forgot,” you said. Jia-Li smiled, patting you on the shoulder as she walked out.

“Bye, Ursa,” she said.

Once your things were unpacked, you thought about trying to find Ty Lee, but Jia-Li’s warning about Kaho still rang in your head, and considering Kaho was Ty Lee’s roommate, it would probably be best if you avoided that area overall. Besides, you didn’t know where their room was, so even if you weren’t afraid of meeting Kaho, you wouldn’t be able to find Ty Lee anyways.

You were just about sitting down to write a letter to Prince Zuko, telling him about your first day, when someone burst into your room. It wasn’t Jia-Li — you didn’t think she possessed that much energy — but it was still someone familiar to you: Ty Lee.

“You must’ve read my mind,” you said. “I was thinking about how I’d like to meet you.”

“Ursa, things are just horrid! My roommate is Kaho, and she’s just like I remember her being!” Ty Lee wailed, throwing herself into your arms. You barely had the self-possession or advance warning to catch her, and then the only thing you could do was awkwardly pat her on the back, looking around and wishing there was someone else here to help.

“Do you know Kaho from before you left the academy?” you said.

“Do I ever,” Ty Lee muttered. “She’s the reason I’m even friends with Azula.”

“How does that work?” you said.

“She’s insane, that’s how,” Ty Lee said. “Kaho, I mean. She was jealous of how much attention the boys at the Royal Fire Academy for Boys were giving me, so she challenged me to an Agni Kai! Mind you, I’m not even a Firebender.”

“I thought you could only participate in an Agni Kai if you were one, though,” you said.

“Yes, that’s right. She knows that, too. It doesn’t stop her from going around and calling one for at any inconvenience, no matter her opponent’s bending status. The thing is, technically, nonbenders are allowed to call someone else — namely, a Firebender — to represent them in the match,” Ty Lee said.

“Is it common to do that?” you said.

“It’s not really a rule that’s put into practice often, as most people wouldn’t challenge a nonbender to an Agni Kai — excepting Kaho, of course. Anyways, Kaho was the best Firebender in the academy, so no one dared to stand against her, even with that rule in place; no one, that is, but Azula.

“She agreed to be my proxy, though I think that’s just because she was annoyed with how Kaho liked to lord her prowess over everyone. Of course, she won, because she’s the most talented Firebender in the world, and ever since then, she’s been my friend,” Ty Lee finished.

“That’s great,” you said. “Though I’d expect it doesn’t endear you to Kaho any.”

“Not at all!” Ty Lee said. “And now you’re telling me I have to live with her? The Headmistress did this on purpose!”

“How can you know that? Kaho and Jia-Li were probably the only ones needing roommates. It was either me or you,” you said, leaving out the fact that you were secretly pleased that it was her and not you.

“Why didn’t she just make those two stay together and let us be roommates?” Ty Lee said. “I mean, really! Kaho leaves Jia-Li alone, something about their brothers being friends, I think, so they would’ve been fine as a pair, and of course we would’ve had so much fun together. But no. I swear, the Headmistress is punishing me!”

“What for? We just got here,” you said. She gave you a dull look.

“Well, I mean, I did drop out and run away to join the circus, you know…” she said. “It wasn’t the best look for the academy, that’s for sure. She definitely hates me for it.”

“That’s true,” you said. “You should just spend as much time as possible in my room.”

“Sure thing!” she said, like she had been planning on doing that anyways but was pleased to have an official invitation.

“I hope Jia-Li doesn’t mind you being here too much. Did you happen to know her, too?” you said.

“Not that well,” Ty Lee said, tapping her chin in thought. “But I think she was nice. I can’t seem to remember anything about her that particularly stood out, which could be good or bad, depending on how you look at it.”

“Hm,” you said. “She did seem to say that she was pretty mediocre all around, so it checks out.”

“Sounds about right! But forget about our disappointing roommates. Do you know what time it is?” she said, raising her pointer fingers.

“I still don’t understand why it’s that time, but yes, I do know what you’re about to do,” you said.

It was something like a ritual for you two, now. Every day, without fail, Ty Lee would jab you with her pointer fingers, always causing your knees to feel weak and your pulse to grow shallow for a moment. You always asked her what she was doing, but she refused to elaborate, promising that she’d tell you one day.

Not today. Not tomorrow. But one day.

To my dear Ursa,

You don’t have to follow such strict protocols and rules of etiquette when you write to me. I know that I am a prince, but in truth I rarely ever feel like one, so it is strange for me when you act as if I am royalty. You may pity me for saying it, but since I know you so well am your benefactor, I will disclose that the habits of my banishment have yet to fade. And in those days, I was never referred to by such titles, so please stop. It is especially strange to hear you calling me such things.

I am glad that you were given time to settle in. Mai told me she was not sure that the two of you would be afforded such grace, but we are both pleased to hear that you were. I hope that your lessons go well, and that your classmates are kind and helpful. I also hope that, if you cannot have Ty Lee as your roommate, you get someone who is friendly to you.

You needn’t fret about doing well in your classes. I am confident you will, and that you will uphold my good name if I even still have one. Worry only for yourself. Try to avoid trouble, if at all possible, but write to me if it finds you anyways. I will do what I can to help you. I will always do what I can to help you.

I gave Bian a treat, as you asked. She was happy. I give you leave to make requests of me freely. It is not a problem for me to oblige you.

Yours,  Zuko

P.S. I am sorry to hear that you still remember nothing. Please write to me if that changes.

P.P.S. Do not sign your letters off like that again. You are not my servant.

[scoobydoodean]

it is interesting to me that sam is judgmental about dean’s eating habits, but, from what I remember, he’s fairly non-judgmental about his drinking habits in comparison. while sam goes through phases of wanting to eat “cleaner” he never wants to give up alcohol. do you think this indicates that sam is also pretty dependent on alcohol himself but less “showy” about this than dean who jokes about needing alcohol more often? or is it more that he knows it comes off as insanely hypocritical bc of his demon blood addiction where he went off the rails while dean is still functional even during periods of heavy drinking?

(Does Dean joke around about needing alcohol that often?)

Interesting question. I don't think hypocrisy has ever stopped a character in Supernatural from saying anything tbh. But I also don't think Sam sees anything wrong with the way Dean drinks most of the time. This is a man who tried to give Dean beer for breakfast when he was suicidal (13.05). And I think the reason he was offering Dean breakfast beer is also pretty key to understanding why Sam, for the most part, shuts the fuck up about Dean drinking: He isn't actually good at dealing with Dean not being okay. It scares him. I'll come back to that in a minute.

I think fanon sometimes makes more of Dean's relationship with alcohol than it is. I'm not saying there aren't points in the show where Dean is very obviously shown to have an alcohol problem. I'm not saying his relationship with alcohol is normal (though his relationship with alcohol is pretty normal prior to him going to hell). I am saying I think a chunk of fandom tends to think of Dean as someone who is more or less constantly buzzed for most of the series, and that's just not accurate. After hell, Dean begins drinking to fall asleep. He is binge drinking a significant amount before bed by mid season 5 after the Harvelle's deaths (5.11, 5.16). But it is to fall asleep and it cuts back to a glass or two a night by the beginning of season 6 after a hard fought struggle we get small references to between Dean and Lisa (6.01, 6.06). Dean would be dead on a hunt within a month if he was constantly day drinking, and the show notes to us specifically when Dean is so out of sorts he feels the need to do that (see: 6.06, where Dean drinks just to be able to stand being near Sam, after being assaulted the previous episode while Sam watched and smiled). A glass of whiskey or two before bed becomes Dean's new normal from season 6 onwards. When his drinking ticks up from that in one season or episode to another, there's a deeper problem going on that Dean is struggling through. I only mention this because when I actually think of points where Sam might say something to Dean about an uptick in drinking... it's not going to happen as often as fandom sometimes imagines.

Sam understands Dean's options as far as dealing with nightmares from decades of reality-bending torture are highly limited. Realistically, Dean has zero access to qualified professional support. Suppose Dean took sleeping pills instead of drinking to fall asleep. Would he actually be better off? Would he eventually abuse sleeping pills instead? Would that just put something in close proximity to him that he could even more easily overdose on? Because... Dean also isn't a stranger to suicidal ideation, and Sam is very aware of that, and I wager he gets a hell of a lot more antsy about the thought of Dean having constant access to sleeping pills than he does about Dean drinking a glass of whiskey or two before bed. In the fucked up world they live in, as far as Sam's concerned, Dean's relationship with alcohol is usually "under control" in a relative sense. I think Sam understands Dean's use of alcohol and he accepts it... and he isn't going to get judgy, because Sam isn't good at actually handling Dean not being okay. Dean not being able to cope scares Sam however he might pretend to play Mr. Therapist (see my tag: #bad therapist sam).

If Dean chooses to cope with nightmares and sleep disturbances using alcohol while still being functional during the day, Sam isn't going to say a word. When Dean's drinking gets bad, for example, in season 7 when Dean constantly carries around Bobby's flask, I seem to recollect Sam speaking up about it at least once—at least in vague terms? But we'll see when I get back into season 7. (All I remember right now is him joking that alcohol is a "vitamin" for Dean in 7.18). I really do think in general, as far as Sam as concerned, as long as Dean's drinking doesn't effect his job performance... it's all good. He generally isn't going to touch it with a ten foot pole—not even to joke.

It is true at the same time that Dean's relationship with food also is and continues to further develop into a coping mechanism. Dean eats when he's grieving or sad and when he wants comfort. Food makes Dean feel safe. However, Dean also eats when he's happy, and Sam's judgments when it comes to Dean's eating usually happen when Dean is happy eating instead of sad eating (or when Sam at least perceives him to be happy eating).

I think the specific connection between Dean's drinking and hell may also play a role here. Sam failed Dean deeply on the hell front and I think he knows it. I won't even mince words: it is Sam's fault that Dean never talks about hell. Dean was opening up between 4.08 and 4.11, but because of Sam's cruel turn in his framing of that traumatic experience, Dean's hell trauma is forever the silent looming thing that no one talks about. Not Sam, not Dean, not anybody. Getting judgy about Dean drinking to fall asleep could easily open cracks in Dean's own self-imposed wall and Sam is smart enough not to scratch at it. Not just for Dean's sake, but for his own, because that betrayal intersects deeply with Dean's broken trust in Sam in season 5, and if there is one thing Sam's ego absolutely cannot take, it's reminders of moments where he proved Dean could not trust him.

[truedarkhunter]

Ciel, the internal struggle (A Deep Dive)

Ciel can be a hard one to get into the headspace of for writing or creating art at times. With some of the details coming to light of how Our Ciel (O!Ciel) is actually the younger of a set of twins and took the name of his older brother the Real Ciel (R!Ciel) gives more insight into his motivations. (I'm just going to refer to the MC as Ciel and his brother as his older brother to make it easier to read.) Ciel's history is dark, as this is a horror anime/manga, even if it has lighthearted moments. It's heavier than Moriarty, The Patriot and probably closer to DeathNote with the 'I monster I became, lest a monster I become' idea. It certainly has the Shinigami/Grim Reapers along with the investigations. Basically: This is your trigger warning that this post is going to be a bit heavy because this character has been through the wringer. If violence and abuse and s.a. are not something you can handle today, this is not the post for you. Please guard your mental health.

Okay! That said, I will try to be gentle with the subject, but it's not my forte.

Also: expect spoilers. This is a deep dive. If you haven't read or watched Black Butler, you may get too much information. By the same token, this is some very specific character stuff so it just might not make sense if you aren't familiar with the segments referenced. I'm going from early childhood and the conditions of the time period forward to where the manga and anime have covered thus far.) Onward! Ciel was born into an affluent family of privilege as an unhealthy younger son. His brother would have been set to inherit everything. The author, Yana Toboso, really strongly leaned in on the "heir and spare" idea, but seemed to overplay it with the 'why were you even born aspect'. The answer is right in the line heir and SPARE. With the setting, about 2 out of every 5 children died before the age of five in the 1800's as it was a time before vaccines. It is surprising that the family didn't have more children rather than it had two.

So expect that Ciel and his older brother had friends in their circle or heard from adults talking that some of the children they knew passed away before the inciting incident (the moment that started the story arc of the series) began. The Victorian Era is chock-full of examples of death being a regular part of the culture. This is important as it shapes what is 'normal' for Ciel.

Children that made it past the childhood diseases stage usually lived a long time, that would be particularly true of the upper class who had both regular meals, shelter, heat, and adequate clothing. The upper class was also able to have their houses cleaned regularly by staff and their linens bleached which killed off illnesses. (This is part of why 'white bedsheets' and 'white linens' are popular during this period and into the early 1900's. Dyed cloth would be ruined by bleach so such items were just kept white. White showed any stain, so having everything perfectly white meant they were either frequently replaced or scrupulously maintained. The wearing of white gloves meant you didn't get your hands dirty or could afford to replace/strongly clean them on the regular. (That or you were very, very cautious.) White was associated with purity which was associated with godliness. Those aspects show up in the series as well.

From the very title "Black Butler" to the red dress Ciel pulls out to adorn his aunt in, to the lilies Undertaker is seen with meaning "innocent" it's woven into the story. Ciel is also used to strong color in clothing. It was fashionable to change outfits at different times of the day. This showed off your wealth, as well as adjusted for changes in temperature/social situations. True blues, bright reds, and such were difficult to get, and so were very costly. Many dyes were not color-fast and used dangerous reagents to to make them.

That mourning black that you were expected to wear? You called out a tailor to your home and had the family sized for it and didn't go outside until you had the mourning clothing. What was in it? Arsenic. People who had that against their skin and sweated or got it wet could get arsenic poisoning and perish themselves! That saying "Don't cry your eyes out"? If someone mourned too heavily and got their veil wet could go blind from it! So changing clothing to avoid the dyes tainting your skin was also a good idea. Ciel likely had an occasion or two where playing around puddles got him and his brother in trouble because the dyes got on their skin and would take days to get back to normal. Likewise, some of the harsh chemicals, including the bleach, may have aggravated the main character's asthma. Those periodic episodes may have come right after the linens returned and were still strongly scented of the bleach used to clean them. Alternatively, the rainy/damp weather may have drawn out the arsenic in the Scheele's Green wallpaper at some of the homes they visited (made with arsenic again!).

This wallpaper and the stench of the waste dumped in the street and into the River Thames is why "The Season" existed. It came to be noticed that people felt ill when they were indoors (around the arsenic wallpaper) and did better outside in the (relatively) fresh air. So it became common to go out to the country during the warmer months for healthful constitutionals. It also got people away from the stench of the city. (Look up The Great Stink of 1858 in England. Ciel's parents would have experienced it.) Between that and the recommendation of the doctors of the time, Rachel and Vincent would have taken to bringing the children out to the country more.

Quite possibly, his parents originally lived in London more and then went to their mansion estate to stay after their children were born because of Ciel's health problems. Even so, his parents still entertained, as seen during the Noah's Ark Circus/Book of Circus arc. Vincent was still keeping his eye on the underworld for Queen Victoria. As such, he had more than social obligation, but a required need to interact frequently with the people in society in order to feel them out to determine which rumors were true and which were false.

To that end, we can expect that Ciel's father was eloquent and charming. We see him being a tender father and a dedicated, caring husband. He also had a flip side that had to handle taking out the threats to the Queen and he couldn't be squeamish about it. Because of that, the hunting trips with his sister were likely important to him. He could dress a deer or hide a body. Hunting as a sport was a great way to arrange an 'accident'. His sister, who is as good with a gun as a sword, shows an uptight demeanor around Ciel. Some of that is likely that she always worried about her brother and now worries about Ciel. Hence her wanting them to be perfect in both appearance and action. The job of the Queen's Guard Dog allowed no room for error. She may also harbor suspicions of Ciel's actual identity, hence the "fix your hair"! The ill younger brother may not have had to be meticulously groomed all the time, but the elder likely did. Moreover, having a slovenly appearance could lead to rumors of him being an imposter or just unfit for the role and he can't afford that. Rumors could kill.

The boys had undeniably heard about their family line holding this important position. There would be gentle explanations and some success stories or funny ones, then the untold part of why their grandparents were no longer around when other kids still had theirs. Ciel had some idea beforehand of what this life was like, but not the reality of it.

One of the holdovers from his grandparents time is the Undertaker. He was a friend to his grandmother Cloudia, and since she married the Queen's Guard Dog, he likely used his ability to read the records of the dead to aid them...although he then found tangible things like notes in pockets or inquiring in town to the right people. That he knew where to look for that piece of paper or which people to talk to would be considered a "knack". The brothers would also have known the members of Dad's secret club, the Aristocrats of Evil (or Villainous Nobles) as little gets past the eyes of children.

He had his circle of informants that he relied upon, as that was exactly who they were. The current iteration has Chlaus, Diedrich, Undertaker, Lau, Angelina Dalles (his aunt, deceased), Azzuro Vanel (deceased), Pitt, an Unidentified woman, and Unidentified man with a scarred left eye. (See: Kuroshitsuji fandom wiki, Aristocrats of Evil)

Chlaus, Diedrich, Lau, and Azzuro handled external/international threats. Lau and Azzuro are particularly about Chinese and Italian Mafia and the drugs and other contraband such groups were trying to bring into England. Undertaker was the only place to get aid with funerals and a little with medical advice and surgeries (I suspect). He handled news from the less affluent quarters and listened in the corners at funerals as they were big events and people talked. The truth could come out of what a person was really like and these occasions were as important as weddings for networking. Knowing who was arranging meetings with whom could prove important later.

He also had insight into supernatural goings on, however he may or may not have relayed it. Angelina Dalles, aka Madame Red, ran in the social circles of the aristocrats and heard all the latest gossip. Those leads, and her information from being a medical practitioner could allow the Queen's Guard Dog to know who was up to what and then have the medical reports to back up claims if someone got injured suspiciously. Pitt is a paparazzi before that title got popular. People love sensational stories and he would get them or pictures for the paper who ran them. Unlike Diedrich, Undertaker, or Angelina, he has no deeper ties of loyalty to the family and is purely there for the money.

This circle is whom Ciel inherits and it almost immediately begins breaking down. The loyalty to his father did not simply translate to him in all cases. Life also moved on and people change. Hence the attempted kidnapping by Azzuro and the discovery of Madame Red's dark activities on the side. Some are overly attached, such as Undertaker, and the tale is taking some wild turns because of it. That there are multiple supernatural beings having a hand in his life (Undertaker, Sebastian, Grelle), some arcs do not resolve naturally (such as the potential redemption of his aunt at the end of the Red Reaper arc) while his continued existence is itself due to supernatural intervention (the butler).

This causes him to rely more and more on his butler, which is exactly how Sebastian desires it. It is also why when Soma and Agni appear on the scene it is such a consternation for his butler. Soma claims friendship, regardless of how Ciel tries to distance himself, and has the social status to ignore Ciel's attitudes. Likewise, Agni shows himself not only a potent peer to Sebastian, but skilled at organizing others so that their talents shine. (The servants competently preparing things in the kitchen together in the anime under Agni's supervision in contrast to their incompetence being resolved solely by Sebastian in the first episode and at the picnic later with Lizzy.) The selfishness of the demon and his pride made him want to show off his skills and talents. Growing the skills of the others doesn't come naturally to him, nor is it desirable as it would diminish the young master's reliance upon him. That shock is very real and a moment of growth in the butler, but goes a little under the radar for Ciel. The young master was likely just grateful things were quiet for an afternoon among his servants.

Ciel not only needed to step into his brother's shoes, he had to start handling the accounts for the estate. Which begs the question:

Why Ciel?

(Informational) He may have overheard the kidnappers describing the requirements for making a pact with a demon if one showed up. If he somehow had the presence of mind, he may have given the false name to the demon in hopes of getting out of the pact later if he decided he didn't like what was going to happen.

(Coldly Rational) He may have known that there would be other claimants for his family's position and he could lose his position and possibly fall into the hands of the person who betrayed them if he came back as his true named self. As Ciel, even being young, he would be the strongest claimant for the position and it would allow him to investigate who did this to his family.

(Romantic Notion) He could have taken it simply to keep some part of his beloved twin alive. It would be the only memorial he could have for him. This was a difficult thing for him to pull off even as close as he was as it seems his brother was more extroverted and probably tougher and sassier. It's one thing to look like his brother; it's another to consistently pass as his brother. Hence how Lizzy felt so horrible that she had missed it or glossed over the signs once the older brother made his appearance. Falling ill from his asthma would have been a dead giveaway to those closest to him, hence he didn't disclose it even to his butler. Yet his life and plan relied upon it.

Another part of Ciel's life now revolved around social interaction. He not only had to do the books, but he had to tour the lands and talk to the people who worked it for him and provided his living. This is something his brother would have been getting introduced to, but he may not have. In the anime, the butler helps facilitate it just as he handled it up until that point. Having Sebastian provide the names and backgrounds before they arrived and appraising Ciel of what their needs were would help Ciel to ingratiate himself in his father's place. That he actually addresses their concerns and insures things run smoothly at that level even if it costs him some of his funds, solidified the worker's support.

I suppose we must now address what happened that launched the Black Butler story. While the boys would have been sheltered, the trips to their other holdings would have exposed them to some of what life was like in the rest of England and particularly London.

They would see people being homeless in the street, hear about the long hours for the working class where their bosses wouldn't let them have rest breaks off their feet, causing them to have health issues. People losing body parts from industrial accidents, getting illnesses that weren't treatable or were given quack treatments, these were all common in his world. They'd hear some of it from their aunt interspersed with boring gossip as well as their friends and family's attitudes towards the other classes. There were the realities in the world he and his brother were getting introduced to as they reached double digits and were starting to get taken around to learn how to govern their lands.

Somewhere amongst those friends and relatives was someone who planned to overthrow their father. The manga has a meeting between Vincent and Diedrich where the twins are present where it seems like Vincent may have an inkling that something risky is coming up. That or they just finished something that made Vincent concerned for the future as he asks Diedrich to give his allegiance and support to his son should something happen to him. Likewise, the anime showed that Vincent knew his fate was coming to meet him and he couldn't avoid it. However, he didn't expect for his children to be caught up in it, nor likely his wife. Speculation: It may be that when the Queen's Guard Dog becomes too well-known, they aren't as effective. Alternatively, there may be a set term limit to insure there is no question of loyalty from corruption or bribery. That would allow he family to continue to pass down the responsibility each generation, yet explain why they wind up having shortened lifespans. (Not that the job is oh-so-safe in the first place!)

There is evidence that the older brother knew the people who did it and was likely duped into letting them into the house or giving up information that would allow them to infiltrate. It is unlikely that he was actively attempting to take over. Given his age and skill level, he wouldn't be ready to take over for his father. It could be a Lion King sort of moment, as Yana has drawn from Hamlet for this tale as well, but if so then it would have been to convince the heir that they would like to be the Earl sooner. Wouldn't it be fun?

It would be interesting if one of the people involved planned to manipulate the heir, while those under him had a different idea since they suffered under the Watch Dog and figured getting rid of the family entirely and selling off the kids would be more effective. Either way, our Ciel knows that his brother knew something about their attackers.

They were sold in the underground, quite likely by the Viscount of Druitt himself or an underling. It appeared to be a very upper-class group involved. The images showed rather well-dressed people and Undertaker was caught off-guard by event and had trouble retrieving the twins during that month. Upper class in this case may also involve angels, which would truncate Undertaker's ability to act which may be why he didn't get the older brother back until he had passed. Alternatively, he only got it back when the crime scene was discovered and so had whatever hours the child had been dead to deal with in reanimating him. Yet if the site was burned, it implies he was nearby and able to swoop in as soon as it fell into the grey area that Grim Reapers operate in. Whether or not we will get to see angels has yet to be determined in the manga although the first season of the anime had them. While much of the anime is not cannon, Yana clearly had themes she relayed that she is running with. It would feel a bit incomplete to have the black and the grey without the white for this canvas. What we do have is a play on the spiritual movement and esoteric fascination of the time.

France was profiting on this by selling books said to be "meant for church use" in the introduction which allowed them to hock ones listing supposed demons. Many of them were barely altered names of gods among other things. Such books were considered restricted items normally just as sexually explicit pieces were. Hence the use of the 'for church use' tag to slip it past the censors. These were displayed in secretive collections as Victorians wanted to be 'in the know'. (So just because a source is old doesn't mean it's reputable. People trying to scam others have always existed.) However, this means people were attempting to discover the secrets beyond the Veil. The bored rich had the time and resources to try and summon the demons listed.

One particularly decadent group in the Black Butler setting turned to performing the most perverse rites, harming children bought through Druitt or some other seller. To these people the twin Phantomhive children went. The group spent a month turning them from pure and innocent into terribly shocked, ill, abused children all to try to summon a demon. At the end, they sacrificed one of the pair and it worked. Unbeknownst to them, a sacrifice had to be something that had meaning and closeness to you. Hence the demon went to Ciel. His brother's soul acted as the price for passage. He also had the strongest emotions and desire in the place, a desire for revenge.

During it all, the pair relied on each other for strength and purpose. They kept swallowing their father's signet ring and digging through the dung later to retrieve it and swallow it again so that it wouldn't be taken from them and they could prove whom they were once they escaped. That support is likely what kept them from breaking utterly as with the other children. It was clear they weren't given enough food, and were force fed to keep them alive, and their fine clothes were worn down to or replaced with rags. They were getting close to passing from the neglect. That was when the group pulled one of them from the cage at random. They didn't know they took the eldest, and that was important for the younger brother in order to assume the eldest's identity. With the loss of his brother, Ciel's anger outweighed his despair in that moment and brought the demon to his side. He had nothing left to lose in his mind, so he made the pact. Then his first order was to kill all those present and to burn the place to the ground.

While this would seem to make sense, who wouldn't want to destroy everything after such an event? It also feeds into his mindset after all he went through. Ciel wants oblivion. Had it been him on the altar, he probably would have felt relief and just given up. However, with duty pressed so hard on him and the loss of his brother, he felt compelled to live through the moment. However, once he has satisfied his need to know who did this to his family and exact his revenge, he wants not to die, but to no longer be. Oblivion.

In the first season anime, he showed that he intended to keep his part of the Faustian pact. Interestingly, while he didn't want to continue, he asked that Sebastian not make an effort to be gentle as he wanted the pain of it to be engraven upon his soul as proof that he had a life that was worth living. In that iteration, the butler simply replied, "Indeed, my young lord."

With all he had been through, Ciel would not believe himself able to come back from that damage. There is evidence of this. We get to see him suffering nightmares for months on end as the butler stays by his side and protects him. Likewise, when he faces other children being put through what he faced in a recreation of the rite, he has the butler burn the place down just as he did before. He intimates that no one that has gone through such things is really there anymore. Since he doesn't ask the other children if they want to live, he is answering based on his own experience and mindset - they are walking dead to him. Because of how he treats them, you can see how he feels about himself. He's going through the motions, but he feels he's already dead inside but for duty and revenge.

Given how little mental health care existed at the time, there isn't much reason or chance for him to recover. The Queen certainly has him hopping right away and the breakneck pace of a case every two weeks to a month doesn't allow Ciel much time to sort himself.

One of the best aids for his mindset is the presence of Lizzy. Because she is a callback to the good days of his childhood, and because of his responsibility to her as a fiancé in place of his brother, he pulls upon older memories and reactions. While dusty, they are still there. He indulges her, partially to hide whom he really is, and partially as he knows he can never fulfill her dream and be her husband. It is unlikely that he can view he games of man and maid in any wholesome light after all he had been through. For this reason, I cannot see Ciel honestly being paired with anyone.

It could be he could grow over time and find some form of happiness. Yana drew a 'what if' piece for Ciel if he had stayed on at the circus with Doll. So that if the conditions were right, he might find some level of safety and comfort could have maybe been possible, but given this is a horror anime with a Faustian pact, it isn't meant to be. Moreover, since he is fully aware of his deal, Ciel knows he must stick to his bargain or forfeit his life early. He doesn't dare express too much affection, even if he feels some amount of it, lest he trigger some nullification clause that takes him out before his revenge is complete. We see this in the Green/Emerald Witch arc where Ciel has to recover from his brush with a a dangerous chemical and winds up being too afraid for a while to continue his hunt. At that point, Sebastian goes in to eat him and gets rebuffed. When Ciel asks if he were actually going to do it, Sebastian replies he was only 90% serious. So yes, Ciel has parameters set to continue to have the services of his butler. That also means he can't necessarily take time to heal.

In the anime, Sebastian describes the experiences and emotions Ciel has gone through as a sort of seasoning to his soul. Since he wants his master to be at some desired flavor combinations of emotions, it is unlikely that he would tolerate changes that would undo something the demon considered beneficial towards his later repast.

That is another reason it can be hard to get into Ciel's head as some of what he does is driven by the butler's requirements rather than his own. Ciel does state what he wants to achieve. What he has to go through to get it is not necessarily what Ciel bargained for, somewhat literally.

Another side of Ciel is the further loss of people close to him. Those who should have been on his side, protecting him, became mortal enemies. This was especially true of his own aunt, Angelina Dalles. As I mentioned above, she appeared to be about to repent and possibly reconcile with Ciel when her life was ended by the Grim Reaper/Shinigami she had befriended and run with. Seeing her true motivations and thoughts in her cinematic record, Grelle Sutcliff declared her "unworthy of the color red" and claimed her jacket.

Now it could be that the shock of the events cause Ciel to forget meeting the Grim Reaper, or it could be that once away from such supernatural beings, the events tend to grow fuzzy and slip out of mind. People don't tend to handle such well. Add in the other things Ciel has been through and it isn't surprising that he might throw it all in a box in the back of the attic of his mind and label it as "do not open".

At his aunt's funeral, Ciel went against all custom at the time and ignored the idea that dressing her in white. Dressing someone in white was to prepare them for their arrival in Heaven. Instead he says she always looked best in flaming red and presents her with her own red dress. Whether this is a desire to throw away the pretense and embrace the person she really was or a revelation of her sinful nature and death at her funeral is up to debate. He didn't accuse her for he doesn't see himself as better than her. His hands are just as covered in blood. However, he chose to honor her passing as a family member that he once cared for and shed tears for her although Lizzy shed more for both of them. That loss left Ciel a little colder, more isolated, and more cynical than before.

Certainly it is easier for Ciel to escape dealing with his traumas by keeping busy and moving forward towards his ultimate goal. Yet that feels a little false. People can't run from their experiences forever. When they get overtired or overtaxed those things will come out. Likewise, trauma revisits when people do start to heal. The brain says "you're in a better place, let's process things!" So in some sense, the Green Witch arc forced him to process some of the horrors he's seen before facing more. Likewise, his trust in his other servants, particularly Finny, increases during those trials. Much of Ciel's outlook towards other people is cynical and utterly untrusting. He doesn't believe in goodness anymore or God. If people are being nice, they must be hiding other motives in his book. That's why he thinks he can be transactional with someone like Abberline and can't quite process that maybe there really are people, outside of the ones from his past like Lizzy, that are actually as good as they appear.

With the Campania/Book of the Atlantic arc, Ciel has to face his feelings towards Lizzy. There are hints of him heading towards puberty as he starts feeling more awkward around her, but doesn't know what to do with those emotions. Then he gets to find out how capable she really is and how she can protect him as much as he desired to protect her.

Protective is the primary feeling he has towards Lizzy. She is that last strong link to his past that is positive. For that reason, he's willing to do a great deal to protect her body and her feelings. That doesn't mean he's always good at it or that he's tolerant of all her actions, he's still a young boy just growing into his teens himself, but he tries hard to master his own emotions and find the words needed to be gracious to her when all is said and done. He also knows he can do nothing but let her down ultimately, so he's doing his best to do so gently that she might keep the better memories of him when he's no longer there.

By the Public School arc, Ciel has become better at hiding his true self and being ruthless in his pursuit and smooth with his lies. He learned to paste on a fake smile in the circus and has butted heads with enough adults that he has a good idea of how people work. He's not used to dealing with peers and so underestimates them just as adults underestimate him...with similar results. By the end, he has achieved a level of competence that can carry him towards his final goal.

When we arrive at the Blue Sect arc and beyond, those skills and resolve get challenged as he faces his older brother and is driven from his home and all his resources. This echoes the anime where London is burning and he is forced out and loses access to his butler for a time. His situation and limitations physically are made clear as he can hardly dress himself without help. If the manga keeps going with the theme, Ciel may have to sell off or lose the few things he's held onto such as the family signet ring and the Phantomhive cursed blue ring. This is sort of a call back to the preparation for death. A version of "you can't take it with you" where Ciel must determine what is still important as things disintegrate around him. He can't hold on to relationships nor items, nor is he supposed to. Only he can decide in the end, from a detached point of view, if his life and efforts are worth having lived at all. So we will see how the manga finishes out. This was quite a long and rambling piece that took me all day to complete. Hopefully it will give you, the reader, some insight on Ciel's inner thoughts as well as what shaped him growing up so you can read deeper into his past and story and possibly write him better or a little easier. He's troubled, secretive, and secretly still caring and trying to do what he thinks is right to a degree, while denying that he still holds any such notions dear to his heart anymore. He lies, manipulates, and lies to himself as well, but he still moves forward and embraces his mistakes and learns from them. He has no veil in front of his eyes, and hopes for nothing in his future as he attempts to fulfill a single set of goals/wishes. That's Ciel Phantomhive at this point in time. Whether he is purely mortal, some strange blend of immortal and mortal, or simply a version of Hamlet, he stands in as the wounded character faced with a tragic story that he can't stop, but he can chose how he goes out for that final bow. Let me know if you agree or disagree or see him in a different light.

[meepsters-world]

I Love you Pt1

Whilst Levi was down with his hurt ankle my squad would be taking over expeditions beyond the walls even though Levi was not happy with this it was my job to make sure we are safe and learn who the Female Titan truly is.   After receiving my orders from Erwin I went to me and Levi’s shared quarters. I saw Levi sitting at his desk glaring at his ankle with hate and pain.   “ Don’t do that.” I sighed while walking around trying to pack my bag to go beyond the walls. Levi just glared and said “PFFFT  my ankle needs not be so weak so I can kill the female titan for killing my squad. I am not made to sit and do paperwork!” I rolled my eyes at him as I knew he was beating himself up over something he could not control as he had his own orders to follow through with. Walking around the small space and collecting my things is when he finally asks “ What are you doing?” 

“Packing my stuff to go beyond the wall I met with Erwin today and he needs this done today I will be back in two days time.”

“EXCUSE ME!!! I told you and him I do not want you going without me its to hard for a g-” I glared at him before he could finish that sentence “ Go ahead say it!  Say it's too hard for a girl, I dare you!” “Look I just don’t want you to go, is that too much to ask!!” he yelled again. “ Yes Levi it is because you know it’s our job and I am not gonna sit back and watch people die! Look I love you and will see you soon okay?” I sighed as he stayed silent as always and continued on my way out of the room upset and hurt. ~ AT THE STABLES~ I walked up to my squad and asked “ Y’all ready to go out and kill some titans?!” “YES” “YEAH” “YOU BET” “LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOO!”

Once out of the walls it was mostly quite and only running into some lil ones.We went further out till it started to get dark as we needed to make it back to where the Female Titan got loose to look at clues as to who she is as Armin is almost positive but we must all be certain! We rested and then moved onward once we had rested and ate. ~AT THE FEMALES TITAN FAILED CAPTURE~ Me and my team except the look out all looked around to see what we may find. “CAPTAIN Y/N!!! ABNORMAL!!” Yelled Yoo the watchman We all shot tup into the trees and started slicing the naps of the abnormals. I took a look and saw about 10 titans running our way and knew there was no way we could fight them all and survive! “ I have an idea I will distract them and y’all run and make it back to the walls!” I shouted 

“ NO” NOT A CHANCE” THAT IS STUPID “ WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DUMB?” “ SHUT IT! I am the captain and I need you to listen to me like we normally do!” I shouted again They all shut up and hopped on the horses and ran as fast as they could. “HEY YOU UGLY MOTHER FUCKERS COME GET ME!!!!” With that I used the EDM gear and flew the other direction and started slicing again to kill as many as I could do! ~TIME SKIP~

Levi’s P.O.V Today is the day Y/N comes back from beyond the walls and looking at the sky it should be soon! I stay in the shared room as I have lots of paperwork to finish so I can spend my time with her as soon as she comes home. After realizing I have been doing this for an hour with no sign I became a little worried and then remembered that she is very smart and strong. I heard a knock at my door and allowed the person to enter the room. Yoo from the Y/N squad came in with a look on his face. “ Captain Levi I'm so sorry we tried to stop her from doing it and everything but she wouldn’t listen!!” “Where is she? Where is Y/N?????”

“She sacrificed herself to save us, her squad and the facts we have found! We were outnumbered and she led them off so we could make it back! I am truly sorry.”   Time froze and my heart stopped beating as I realized I had never ever said I love you to her as I never thought about it till it was too late. “GET OUT!” “BUT-” “GET THE FUCK OUT!” Yoo looked sad and upset but did in fact leave me alone to cry and scream. It’s been a week since my beautiful Y/N was taken by the ugly ass titans and I have vowed to never love anyone or anything again! I have lost it all at this point and I am going to kill everything that gets in my way! Hange and Erwin have tried to make it better but nothing will ever fill the pain.

Y/N’s P.O.V Limping my way closer to the wall to get closer and closer to my love. It’s taken me forever to get back as I can only move at NIght as my ODM gear is out of gas and my blades are all broken. I have been thrown and tossed all about but I was able to get away from the titans after killing most of them. I have lost track of time as I am in so much pain and I can feel the dried blood and everything on my face. FINALLY THE WALL I can see it and I can hear the happy happy people that I have always never really liked till now!

“HEY!! DOWN HERE PLEASE!!!” Hange looked down with her crazy look and screamed and cried with happiness! Then she lowered down the pulley to get me to go back up and be safe for once in weeks it feels like. She looked so sad seeing the blood and twisted limbs. She hugged me so tight that I felt like I was going to die. “Are you okay hun?” “ Honestly no I am not but that's besides the point I NEED to see Levi please!” “ He has been locked in his room since your squad came back without you.” I looked at her and pushed her out of the way and ran (limped) my way to our room to hold him and tell him I am okay and that I am alive and well. I knocked on the door really hard over and over again. “ GO AWAY NOW!” I rolled my eyes and entered anyway as I needed him in my arms an I knew he needed me in his as well. “ Are you sure you want me to leave?” His head snapped up and I saw the tears in his eyes as he muttered under his breath “NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY THIS IS A DREAM!” “ It’s not a dream hun” “Y/N oh my sweet Y/N” “Yes its me Y/N” What I was not expecting was him to pull into a hug and say “ I love you so much and I am so sorry I have never said it before!”

~Time skip~

Once all fixed up and everything me and Levi made it back to our room when he said “ Can I please show you how much I truly love you?” “Please”

Like for pt. 2 with SMUT

PLEASE BE KIND AS I AM NEW TO ALL OF THIS AND AM SCARED LOL

[blushblushbear]

Fck it- let’s get some ANGST rolling

All the boys reacting to their S/O dying right in front of them, and they are partially responsible for it.

Doesn’t matter how; freak accident, prank/date gone wrong, ppl who have a personal vendetta against them and want revenge- I want to know how they react and how they move on from that moment onwards (if they do at all)

DO.YOUR.WORST!!!

(I’m new to this fandom btw. Hi!! 👋🏼 I rly like your writing :)

AHHHH THANK YOU! I try weirdly hard to do a decent job

but yeah okay *cracks knuckles* let's get into it B)

SHIT'S UNDER THE CUT CAUSE IT'S A LOT AND IT'S DEPRESSING

tw: character death, death in general, violence, gun violence, depression, grief, guilt, heartbreak

Nimh

So I think Nimh's is a freak accident

I think you two are just walking along the side walk together and it's nice and normal and peaceful

and then a car swerves off the road and right towards you two

let's sad for added against you pushed him out of the way on instinct

I think his vision is actually blurred at first when he looks up from his spot in a bush

he does have a heart condition so that amount of shock is gonna make him legitimately dizzy

he almost dies right there when he looks over and sees you unconscious on the ground surrounded by blood

he is full on having a panic attack and can't breath and honestly everything is a dizzy blur for the next few hours

he falls over again just running over to you and is lost to the world as the rest of the scene unfolds around him

he's full on not seeing or hearing anything as he holds you bleeding in his arms

he doesn't even notice how badly he's hyperventilating

you actually don't die right there on the spot

you're put in an ambulance and rushed to the er and then to the icu and Nimh is in the hospital with you

They're also taking care of him as well since he is actually pretty banged up and is clearly having a serve panic attack and might legit pass out if not tended to

when you finally get to the hospital and start to wheel you away to the icu as other er staff are looking over him as a patient he pretty much starts loosing his shit

he wants to go with you but they need to make sure he's okay too

he's sobbing as they take his vitals

you last a few days and he never leaves your side

his parents come by to bring him food and clean clothes and a blanket but he's not leaving you once he's found you again in the icu

it's terrifying to him how still and hurt you look

he talks to you while you're out

honestly for all 3 of those days, he still had hope

no matter what the doctors said

but when he woke up on the morning of the 4th day to the sound of your flat line he watched all his hopes and dreams crumble in front of him

his happy future he saw for himself died with you

he's honestly a depressive mess and his body has not taken to the stress well at all (heart condition and panic attacks)

it's made even worse by the fact that he keeps having dreams about you

that always turn into nightmares where he relives holding you lifeless and bleeding in his arms

I'm going to be honest

I think due to the mix of the stress this puts on his already frail body

and the fact that he's sort of lost his will to live

he actually only lasts a few months after the accident

he was already lucky enough to make it this fair into his life, lucky enough to find the strength to always keep trying and make his body better, lucky enough to find you

but I guess his luck ran out

for what it's worth, I do think he goes peacefully in his sleep

dreaming about you

but a good dream this time

it's just tragic all around

poor Nimh

Volks

Volks' is another nice day turned tragic

You guys had gone out hiking, and he had helped you climb a tree because he really wanted to show you the view

it was taller than you had ever climbed but he promised that he wouldn't let anything happen to you

and as you too are looking at the view--- well, YOU are looking at the view, Volks is looking at you pretty much the whole time (like he always does)

but for a brief moment he took his eyes off you to also look at the view with you

and in that moment a strong wind shook the branch and made you loose your balance

your security tie failed and you went tumbling

that split second moment went by like an hour to Volks

the sudden realization that you weren't there

then looking down and seeing you falling

it took all of his will power to not instinctively jump after you

but when he saw you hit the ground he never scrambled down a tree so quickly

every part of him was shaking and his heart was pounding in his ears

he came up to you and you were still alive, but badly hurt

he gently cradled you in his arms and noticed you had blood coming out of your head

he pulled you onto his back panicking

calling 911 with his shaking hand

he met them on the side of the road and rode with you in the back of the ambulance

the whole time he was just staring wide eyed and pale at you

you were alive and moving but you were so out of it

the ems said you had definitely hit your head on something on the fall (probably a rock) and that you had several broken bones

you got none of that

Volks heard every word of it loud and clear like the worst was being confirmed for him

and he was responding to none of it

just staring at you

when you got to the hospital, his mom was already rushing out to meet the paramedics

you had met her a few times, she really liked you a lot, and especially liked how happy you made her son

she was taking charge since you were already like family to her

when they wheeled you back she told Volks to follow

your vitals were starting to tank and you've lost too much blood

the er room was a panicked frenzy that you were too out of it to comprehend

and the whole time Volks just kept staring at you

in your state, you were trying to make anything out

then you looked over at Volks

and when you looked at him there was this look of recognition and almost like relief

he stared back at your eyes, dull and distant but fully seeing him, the blood running down your forehead ruining the tenderness this look would've otherwise brought him

he didn't realize it yet, but he was tearing up

you reached out your hand to him weakly

he practically jumped forward, walking to you and taking your hand

your grip was weak and there was dirt and blood on your palms

you squeezed his hand as best you could manage

and you smiled at him

gazing lovingly into his eyes

and as he gazed back into yours

he watched as your bright eyes went dark

and then unfocused

he heard the single note of you leaving

and felt a panic he'd never known before as your hand slipped from his

his vision blurred as he just stood there shaking in disbelief

he couldn't find any words or form any thoughts as tears streamed down his cheeks

in a distance he heard his mom's voice

he heard his name

she was saying something

she felt her hand numb on his back

but he couldn't take any of it in

he just stared at you

for maybe the last time

you were just here and now you were gone

he

his contact finally broke when his mom pulled him away into a hug

she was crying on his shoulder, and holding her baby boy so tight

Volks blinked and it all hit him at once

and he broke down in his mothers arms as they crumpled to the floor together and sobbed

months went by

and he barely left the house

he went back and forth between staring at the wall and looking back over pictures you took together and texts you had sent

then crying

then back to the wall

his mom checked in on him a lot

but he's barely there anymore

on one visit she brings him food and notices a rose in a vase with fresh water

it's one he brought home from your funeral

it's long dead but he keeps watering it

for the millionth time Volks' mom preaches the helpfulness of grief counseling and invites him to join her this week at the group meeting

he refuses and she goes back to unloading the food she brought him into his fridge

he's not eating much though

on her way out she kisses his forehead and tells him she loves him

she stops at the door

and looks back at the rose

then her son

'you know.... they would've wanted you to be happy... that's all they ever wanted...'

Volks is silent for a while

his mom sighs and gets ready to leave again

'hey mom....'

she turns

'...what time is the therapy group?'

Kelby

Ya know, weirdly enough, I think Kelby actually handles all this the healthiest of all the boys??

also before I give an actual death lemme just say it's really hard for me to think of something for Kelby that's not Final Destination levels of insane lol

but no, okay okay

ahem

I think with Kelby it's just a regular ol' run of the mill daily tragedy

You're driving together, he's at the wheel, you guys are probably headed to a nice day at the beach

or back from a nice day at the beach

it's late but he's careful

but the sad truth is careful doesn't matter when other people drink and drive

your car is hit head on by someone going twice the speed limit, and your side of the car takes the main impact

I think unlike the previous two guys, you don't get a hospital goodbye

you are most likely dead on impact

and Kelby's not looking too hot either

I think he passes out in an ambulance and wakes up a few hours later to a few new injuries and the shocking news that you didn't make it

pretty sure everyone can hear his wails from down the hall

He's actually basically crying off an on for the next few years

he spends time with family

time with friends

looks at pictures

reads old texts

cries and cries and cries

he goes to therapy and goes through the moitons

but no matter what he can't fight this new hole he feels

the one where all his love for you went

I think he actually becomes an advocate for safe driving

and joins a lot of support groups

He actually helps a lot of people work through their pain

and that helps him work through his

the sad truth about this kind of thing is that it really is a mundane tragedy

that feels like an oxymoron but this sudden heartbreak happens everyday

but through the proper channels, Kelby has found ways to cope

though every now and then the loneliness does get him

how can it not

but if he can't spend the rest of his life with you

then he'll dedicate the rest of it in your memory

and help others do the same

also he keeps your picture by his bedside and talks to it frequently

telling you good morning and good night and such

He never stops missing you

Eli

I feel like with Eli, it really is something outlandish

Like he convinced you to go romantically dancing in the rain and you got struck by lightening

and to other people he laughs it off

'ain't life a bitch, at least they went out in a blaze of glory, they always were electrifying,' etc etc etc

but the truth of the matter is he's deeply and unbelievably upset about this

at his core, he's inconsolable

and he probably jokes about that too

'haha I'm dead inside actually! :)'

he has started seeing a therapist

he's got a lot to unpack

also I know there's not super explicit alcohol mentions in the game

but we know Eli is a party boy

and he's def developed a drinking problem over this

he doesn't know how to handle his feelings so he stays out all night partying like he would do with you

tearing shit up and drinking his feelings away

all so he can stumble home alone and pass out immediately so he doesn't have to contemplate how utterly empty and pointless his big fancy apartment feels

or how empty and pointless he feels

he's also dabbled in some drugs but he's trying to be real careful about that since he doesn't wanna wake up in an alley way (at least not cause of drugs-- he might a few times over booze though)

I think there was a time Eli had a lot of self hatred growing up followed by full self acceptance and self celebration

but he doesn't feel like celebration himself right now

he's pretty sure you'd be disguised with what he's become in your absence

hence the going to therapy

he hasn't found the right therapist just yet but he's going to keep trying

he liked the good things about himself, he liked the good things about you, and all the good things you saw in him, even the stuff he didn't always see as good himself

he wants to like himself again

the way he did when he had you loving him

he truly felt the happiest with you around

but now

he lives in the club

and drinks till dawn

he wakes up in a haze

feeling sick as shit

slowly gets himself together-ish

and ends up wondering what his life has become without you

has a coffee

and a headache

reads some poetry or listens to a song that reminds him of you

ulgy cries for a bit until his headache is worse

calms down enough to eat (well, less calm and more too burnt out)

rinse, repeat.

He doesn't plan to do this forever

he doesn't want to do this forever

someday he's gonna find a way to be happy again without you

though nothing will ever compare to the great love of his life that surprised him out of nowhere

Anon

okay here me out this might be a little too real BUT

bitch I think he got swatted

he messed around with the wrong dude and he got swatted

it got messy

you were there when it happened

he is pressing SO MANY CHARGES

he is a wreck

there's a movement online to try and help and support him through this trying time but honestly

he sees very little of it

he's sort of logged off for a while

actually a long while

he moved houses cause he was just too scared and traumatized

he couldn't stay in the house he watched you get shot in

he's going to so much therapy but it's not helping much

well, it is actually

just not in ways he's seeing or feeling

normally he'd get his revenge asap but like

that sort of thing is what got him into this mess

he is still taking all the legal action he can though

got the best lawyers on his side

SOMEONE is going to jail hell or high water

but it doesn't help fill the hole

he spends a lot of time lying in silence

or going outside

or staring at a blank screen that isn't turned on

he's actually not sure he'll ever get out of this whole

he looks at his phone from time to time but only to look at pictures of you

it's not connected to the internet or anything

eventually he finally feels up to trying to be online for an afternoon

maybe check his socials a bit and play a game

that's when he finally sees the out pour of condolences people have left for him

it actually makes him feel better

you know that bit in that lil nas song 'strangers make you feel so loved, ya know?'

that's him right now

he will never get over this

not even a little bit

and I think he's done using his powers to fuck around

I think eventually he will get to something resembling his old self but

you're still his desktop background

and he's never not going to feel that void you left

or the crushing guilt that flows

Garret

oh man

what to do with Garret

GEEZ uhhhh

I think with Garret, he just wakes up one morning with you in his arms and you're pale and unmoving

I think for him we're gonna say brain aneurysm

you just had one in your sleep overnight and there was nothing anyone could do

he was a panicking sobbing mess the whole time he waited for emergency services with you in his arms

and he wasn't much better while riding in the ambulance with you (he refused to leave your side)

you were barely breathing the whole ride and stopped breathing before you even made it to the hospital

despite the fact that literally none of this was his fault and absolutely there was nothing anyone could do he still blames himself

you died in his arms

he should've been able to do something

I think after a few years of group therapy he finally manages to get back to something like his old self

but he still breaks down in a sobbing wreck every now and then over this all

and he misses you every day

I think he constantly goes back and forth on whether to get rid of the bed you two shared on the night you died

on the one hand you died in that bed (sort of)

but on the other that's the last place you were together

either way he still hasn't gotten rid of it

and he has a locket with your picture in it that he never takes off

Dmitri

I'm running out of way for you to die guys

I think let's go with you were visiting him at the coffee shop and one of the espresso machines exploded, injuring 3 and killing 1 (that's you) (.....shut up I'm trying)

a coffee bean was launched right into your heart

so tragic

he like all the others go into a depressive state but he does very melo-drama about it

lots of tears and wilted roses and sobbing while draped across a sofa holding a framed photo of you

love poems, robe, tissues, ice cream, empty bottles of wine

his sister comes to visit him every day but it doesn't help

I honestly think he never lets this go

he wears this sorrow on his sleeve like a memorium to you

he vows he will never love again and he keeps it

there's a lot of talking to his main framed picture of you (he has a lot) and telling you about his day or his family or how much he misses you

that last bit usually comes up

he's definitely drinking more wine than before

he's not full Eli binging but he definitely gets it down

If he had a ring he was going to propose with (and he probably did let's be real), he wears it now around his neck

a reminder of the happy ending with you he will never get to see

Ichiban

I think this one actually is a prank gone wrong

or at least a video gone wrong

he actually quits his channel for a while out of guilt

he just can't stand running it

he eventually comes back for the fans but it takes like a full year before they hear from him

he spends a lot of time being depressed in the dark

playing games and sometimes talking to himself like he's talking to you

he has a really great therapist that helps him a lot with the guilt and grief

when he does eventually come back, he has a much greater boundary between his online life and his personal life

he also doesn't do stunts/pranks EVER

he actually only updates here and there cause he's putting his focus into more artist projects

the first one is an exploration of grief and how it can change a person

he's got a lot of guests from all over the internet who are here to share their stories of loss that were going on behind the camera

it's very soul bearing all around and it actually is seen as an over all good

it made a lot of people feel seen and less alone

including him

nothing will ever replace you

but he's using his fame now to let people know they aren't alone, so hopefully that's something

William

I think with William you were at the clinic visiting him and something venomous bit you

most likely a snake

you were rushed to the hospital and given anti-venom, but it was too late, the damage was already done

I think he is actually the most functional of all the dudes after the fact

like he's very much Not Okay, but he's trying his best to get through his day

the moment he gets home though he enters into the most mournful slump

he puts a record on and drinks a glass of wine and stares at your picture and just

mourns

he finds himself missing you throughout his day but the second he gets home it's a little all consuming

he's honestly kind of resigned to spending the rest of his life alone mourning you

maybe in a few years from now, he'll try for love again

but he already knows it's not going to be the same

he's always going to feel the weight of your loss on his heart

Myx

I think with Myx it's probably a very sudden yet terminal diease

he puts everything on pause to be with you for as long as he can

he gets about a few months (it's still not enough)

after another few months away from everything spent mourning he finally returns to the stage

he has basically a whole new albums worth of songs

each one of them was him working through his loss and pain

you know those albums you listen to from an artist, and you're just like 'who hurt you???'

yeah, this one is his

except the answer is life

or more specifically death

the amount of times he cries on stage performing some of these songs is unsurprising

a lot of fans send him letters of encouragement and condolences

and flowers

so many flowers

your funeral was actually a sea of flowers

some from friends and family

some from Myx's fans

but honestly mostly from Myx

his next album isn't quite so consumed with grief but honestly-- the subject always comes back up

there's also a few songs for you in there that are really sweet

it's not all tears and heartache

a few happy memories immortalized in song

though a lot of fans and critics consider the ones he wrote during that first year without you some of his most compelling and heartfelt bits of work

and it only cost him everything...

Stirling

Let us pretend my previous post about the reader gaining immortality does not exist

Stirling loses you to time

like so many things before you

and many things after

your loss stings the most though

he stayed with you until the end of your life

loving you every moment he could find

and even making some himself

but he's learned the hard way that all good things must come to an end

and frankly you were the best thing, so your end left the biggest shadow

he misses you every moment of his eternity

so many paintings and portraits of you throughout your years hang in his walls

but none of them ever did do you justice

he's found ways, like this, to surround himself with some version of your presence

though it never fully chases away the loneliness

he embraces the end gracefully

though every so often, when the night is clear and the stars are bright

he can't help but look into the heavens

think of you

and weep

Scale

Scale lost you to an enemy assassin

He doesn't know if they were going for him and just missed

or if they meant to target you just to get at him

but either way he watched in horror as a dart flew into your neck, and you fell to the ground motionless

He never stops blaming himself

He knew he was no good for you and he stuck around anyways

and look where that got you

he spends months hunting down and killing the assassin that did you in

but even bringing justice to your end doesn't make him feel any better

okay, maybe it helps a little, but it's still not enough

he sort of slinks into solitude for several years following your death

he also takes a vow of silence (for some reason--- he won't say why)

he frequently visits your grave and mourns you

he also reads over your old text convos

and he cries

a lot

he kind of lost his heart on that day

and it's truly doubtful he'll ever get it back

not with you gone

Sven

I think this one is another car

I know it's very sudden at the least

he doesn't really know how to process it at all

he's actually in quite the downward spiral for the next few months

going back and forth between trying to remain positive and being a sobbing wreck

bruh, I think your loss kinda broke him

he's seeing like 3 different therapists

they're helping a little

he still sobs uncontrollably at least once a day

honestly, I don't think he ever truly gets back to his old self

he just can't anymore

Cole

heheheheh *CRACKS KNUCKLES*

He's not sure how it happened

all he knows is that he came to on the floor next to you

He was holding you

and there was a lot of blood

you were already cold, your warmth long gone

and his head was spinning

everything was a fog

what had he...

he remembers feeling jealous

and helpless

and angry

he sort of blacked out in a spiral

there's vague flashes

you pinned behind him as

no.

no no no no no no no.

he couldn't have.

he wouldn't have.

h-he didn't mean to.

you can't be.

he staring down at your still body, limp and lifeless in his arms.

all the pieces are coming back together.

it's all coming back to him.

he let's out a nervous laugh as he shakes you gently and says your name.

It all had to be a bad dream.

That was all a dream.

He could never have...

please wake up...

he's so sorry...

please wake up...

...just be a bad dream...

Poe

I think for Mr. Poet we're gonna have to go Byronic on his ass

that's right, it's Consumption baby! Aka tuberculosis!

basically meaning you get real sick

and he's with you every step of the way

staying by your side as your body gives out

documenting ever turn with a new bit of writing or poem

he's never been so prolific

nor so heartbroken

he doesn't share any of the poems about you

He actually might pull a Dickinson and never share them

only to have them found and published after his death

he doesn't know how many pages he filled sitting by your bed side as you slept

he keeps a book of pressed flowers from throughout your decline

flowers he brought you, or ones given by the hospital or friends, a few flowers from your funeral

He probably spends the rest of his life even more listless than before

definitely more heart broken

he moves on in his writing (at least for the stuff he shares publicly)

but he never moves on in his heart

Cashew

I'm unsure how this one happens, but the follow up is the same

I think after a month or so, he tries to go back to his usual life

tries to get up, go to classes, go about his life

but he can't really care anymore

he's just going through the motions

he reads a lot of books where there's a character death to cope

also a lot of romance

and a lot of crying

he's kind of a shut in off and on for about a year

he slowly but surely bounces back

learns to be happy again

be he always knows he would be happier with you

there's a lot of pictures of you and him still floating around

he likes to try and remember you always

even if it hurts, seeing your face still makes him feel a little better

he's also def a member of the talks to your picture a lot squad

one of your pictures is his good luck charm

he got it laminated and uses it as a book mark so you can still kinda 'read with him'

Seth

OH BOY

he thought he wasn't going to care much since he deals with souls all the time

but he truly forgot what this was and now he's pissed

cocky fucker legit forgot that he lives in hell

and that's not where you end up

he doesn't really mourn like the rest of them cause you're not really gone

but he does still miss you

and is trying to tug at every string he can to try and either get himself up there or you down here

it's his new main goal, but it's gonna be a tough one

he keeps trying to trade your soul for others but the folks upstairs ain't buying it

this honestly feels like more of a set up for a rom com manga than anything else lol what is this even doing here IT'S NOT SAD ENOUGH

Logan

oh okay his can get very sad

I think his is going to be learning the hard way that you can't save everyone

and that no matter how hard to plan for something, things can still go wrong

(maybe he should be spider-man...)

but yeah, he was definitely one of the emergency services that responds to yours

he heard your address and got there so fast

but it wasn't fast enough

this loss legit takes him the majority of his life to get over

he was honestly planning to spend the rest of his life with you and that future went up in smoke

he goes to a lot of therapy, both group and one on one

and it helps

but not by much

he's definitely a different person after this all

a little less cheerful, a lot more serious

and hard to believe it but a little better at his job

he went from eye wide newbie with a hero complex to grizzled vet who knows how bad it can really get

and hey look another member of the pictures of you everywhere and he also talks to them squad

keeps a picture of you in the pocket of his fire jacket, near his chest

I mean, he already did that but now it hits different

also wears the ring he had gotten for you around his neck

(though not while working, fire fighters tend to not wear jewelry on the job cause metal hot)

lots of tears

lots of cuddle puddles with the rescue animals

occasionally names one after you

you were the love of his life

still are

Reece

Reece's is definitely a wacky space adventure gone wrong

he's shaken by the loss of you

I don't know how it happened but I know it was very sudden

spends a while in his ship just staring into the middle distance

he can't believe your gone

he spends a lot of time traveling around licking his wounds

also marshaling his forces to go face down whatever entity took you from this universe

tried to go back and save you but it always ends the same

after his last attempt he actually goes back in time to before you two even met and watches you from a distance

you look so happy, you have no idea what's about to happen to your life

he doesn't regret meeting you but he wonders often if things would've been better for YOU if he hadn't

flies solo for a few centuries

every now and then stops by and visits you in a time where you two still hadn't met

admittedly he's stalking you a bit but just in small bursts

it hurts a lot, but it also makes him feel better

try as he might, there's just some things he can never change

and the closer to home it hits, the more it hurts

Aki

WHOO BOY another immortal/semi-immortal character!

I think for all the fox boys we're going to just have you go of natural causes, no immortality for you

it's both hard for him to be sad about this and equally as impossible to not be devastated

on the one hand, you two had a beautiful life together

and having you in each others lives made them so full

but Aki's learning for the first time that part of being a kistune is seeing all good things end while you have to keep going

honestly I think all Kistune to some degree are like Aki, then Haru, then Fuyu as time goes on

like they all start to some degree young and wild and mischievous, then eventually calm a bit more and chill as they mature, and then being a live for so long matures them to such a level they're almost un-reacting cause they've seen it all

everyone's a little different but it's always roughly the same path

and this is Aki's first

you're Aki's first

his first everything

his first great love

his first great life mate

his first great loss

like all kistune before him, this is an aging mark

he's going to be a different person on the other side of this

he's still going to be Aki, just a different version of Aki

one that knows what it means to hurt on this level

he takes about a century to get over it--- well as over it as he's ever gonna get

he may one day have another mate or take another lover

but it will never be like how it was with you

I'm actually not sure if he ever pairs off with someone else for good (I'm honestly not sure any of them do)

and no matter how much time and experience changes him

or how many years pass

he still thinks back on his time with you often and gets all warm again

Haru

SO!

Natural causes, no immortality for you, you just get old and die

so they way I was talking with Aki and how all kistune probably have a similar life path as they age visa vee experiences and firsts

Haru actually is the way he is cause he was trying to AVOID that at all costs

he ran through life trying his damnest to not let anyone get too close cause he doesn't wanna deal

ESPECIALLY humans

sad, pathetic, emotional, short lived little humans

but then you actually managed to break through

and he kind of like--- got it then

like he gets it now

he understands how a connection can be worth the risk of pain

though I will say he does start the relationship fully in denial about the inevitable

he doesn't want to talk about loss, he doesn't want to think of you dying, he doesn't want to have to figure out what a world without you would be like

I think the biggest slap to the face Haru has ever gotten is when he gave you one of his 'I'm gonna spend the rest of my life pleasing you' and you kinda gently threw out 'well.... the rest of MY life anyway...'

I think hearing it from you made him actually like--- hear it ya know???

he generally doesn't loose his cool much but he def looses it then

or anytime someone brings up that you're mortal

I think all of the kitsune do at some point try and find a way to make you immortal but with Haru it's low key a thing he never gave up on

he's not always actively searching, but he's searching on the down low

weirdly I think the person that helps him cope the most with your death is you

YOU knew what you were getting into

and you're not afraid to talk about it with him

especially cause he has a hard time staying mad at you so you can kinda say whatever

he takes a lot of solace in the fact that he made your life very happy

and he enjoys the fuck out of every moment you two have together

he tries so hard not to dwell on it

but once it actually comes and is in front of him

he has a hard time processing

he's not good at processing big feelings okay

I think he might become a drunk for a while

just a grumpy depressed drunk

he actually goes back and forth between a picture of you being the last thing he wants to see and the only thing he wants to see

he's another person whose going to come out different on the other side of the loss

I think he tried at one point to take another lover but he ended up getting upset, and kicked them out before anything could happen cause he just wanted you

and now he's alone and drunk and crying, look what you've done to him

ngl I think he becomes that like--- emotionally wounded, grizzled, often drunk samurai type (like Yasuo back at the star of his story)

he went from fuck boy to lover boy to grumpy older dude whose a little stand off-ish but honestly he's actually very sweet he just has a lot of pain to work through

also even though your face is sometimes the last thing he wants to see (partly cause he's ashamed at what a wreck he's become without you), he still keeps a picture of you near his heart

Fuyu

I'm so tempted to have your end be violent with Fuyu cause he's mr. war crimes but honestly

I think growing to trust again and learning the lesson that violence was never the answer is not only Fuyu's character arch, but low key all of the kistune boys character archs????

but yeah, so no, despite my temptations

natural causes, old age, no immortality for you

so Fuyu is no stranger to death or loss

and he has seen people he cared about die (fandom headcanons, one of them WAS Natsu and I am behind the idea that he didn't wanna do it)

but you just hit differently

he truly never met anyone like you

nor has he loved anyone as deeply

nor will he again for that matter

he tries his best to mourn your death with grace

but behind closed doors he's a sobbing wreck

I think the full time line of Fuyu at least for the parts that we see him are as follows

Angy, deep down Very Sad and Lonely, Uptight, RAWR -> Learns to chill and love and repent and be more open and is just generally still kinda stuffy and stiff but a lot more warm and happy -> still not the monster he once allowed himself to become, still a bit stuffy but also still chill, very solemn, very sad

so he didn't loose his gentleness that his time with you taught him

but he did get back his sad and lonely

He thinks about you everyday

and talks to your spirit in his moments alone

( not actually your--- you're not a ghost, making that clear--- more your memory)

you honestly made him a much better dude

and your company lead to him being able to open himself to more people

but none of them are you

and they never can be

he still writes you poetry

[ravenwolfie97]

In Wishes and Memories: Chapter 1

Siffrin finished their quest, but they've still got some journeying to do with the rest of the party. What will they find, learn, and realize as they continue their travels? What else does the Universe have in store for them?

(after finishing the game recently, i was filled with thoughts and ideas and i needed to do something with them. i have an over-arching plan for this story though, so i hope you stick with it and enjoy!)

(cross-posted on AO3, but my main audience is here lol)

Reality was finally starting to settle in.

The timeloops were broken, and you were finally free from your curse, fulfilling the conflicting wishes and saving Vaugarde and your friends... your family... your loved ones.

And now, they'll continue moving onward in their journey together with you - the first step of which being returning Bonnie to Bambouche now that their sister was unfrozen.

…With an ulterior motive of finding your hat.

It blew away from the tippy top of the House after you returned back to normal. 

And that hat meant a lot to you; it’s part of what little remained of your country, and you've had it for as long as you could remember.

As everyone travelled one last time through the village, celebrating and eating and merrymaking with the people of Vaugarde, you mostly tried to hang back, to come to terms with what had just gone down. 

You still felt pretty Craft-sick, worn out and dizzy. Though, a full stomach packed with tasty Vaugardian foods made you feel a lot better.

You were really looking forward to a night of actual rest… with a brand-new sunrise awaiting you once your eye opened next.

☆☆☆

It was only about an hour into the celebrations when you saw Isabeau had noticed you sitting on the bench next to the library. He came up and quietly joined you on the bench.

"Hey, Sif." His voice was low and gentle. "How're you holding up?"

You didn't want to pretend anymore. "I'm pretty tired, still," you replied honestly. 

Isabeau crossed his arms. "Makes sense. You have had quite a lot going on for yourself these last couple days." He paused. "Or, I guess, technically way more than that. Do you know how many times you looped, anyway?"

From the way you instinctively withdrew, Isabeau realized his curiosity had trumped his courtesy. "O-oh, I'm sorry, that's probably still a sensitive topic..." 

"No, it's okay," you interjected. "It's just... not something I want to think about right now... Don't think I would remember, anyway."

Isabeau let out a nervous laugh. "Yeah... Alright, then." 

You both looked out into the crowd: Mirabelle was chatting with other Housemaidens, including that stylish fan of hers; Odile was speaking with some of the older folk of the town; Bonnie was playing with some of the other kids. 

Isabeau turned back to look at you. "It seems like the others are preoccupied at the moment, so... what would you like to do now, Sif? Do you wanna go back to the Clocktower and take a nap? We still have accommodations there for the night."

You nodded. "Can you come with me, too, Isa?"

Isabeau's cheeks darkened at an embarrassingly quick rate. "S-sure! Yeah, let's head over there now!"

He leapt up a little too energetically off of the bench but slowed down for you. "Do you need to lean on me again?" he asked, extending an arm out to you.

"I don't think so," you answered. "But... I'd like to hold your hand."

Without waiting for a response, you grabbed Isabeau's hand, lifted yourself up from the bench, and came around to his side. "Let's go."

"Okay, yeah, here we go!" Isabeau started walking towards the eastern side of Dormont, feeling the weight of your hand as you both lightly swung your arms back and forth. It was hardly big enough to wrap around his palm. 

Isabeau had to try and maintain a slower pace to accommodate you, but it didn't seem like he was burdened by it at all. 

It felt nice, not having to be in a hurry anymore. The two of you could just calmly walk together, hand in hand.

☆☆☆

Soon enough, you both reached the Clocktower. After taking your shoes off, you went right upstairs to the bedroom. Immediately at the sight of a bed, you lumbered towards it and faceplanted directly into the sheets.

Isabeau smiled at you from the stairwell. "Do you need any help from me? Or do you wanna be alone for a bit, or-?"

"No!" Your reaction was immediate. Slow down. Talk it out. "I mean... I don't want you to leave. And, um..." 

You hesitated, through some cocktail of guilt and embarrassment and maybe… romantic inclination?

"I'd like your help with changing clothes."

"Sure! I can take care of that." 

You could tell Isabeau was still pretty excited about being so close to you, especially after finally confessing his feelings, but it felt more like he just wanted to help his hurt friend out. 

Carefully, Isabeau knelt down and unfastened the pins on your cloak, laying it gently over the foot of one of the other beds. 

While he was up, he went into the closet where all their extra sets of clothes were.

As he did so, you sat on the edge of the bed and used your toes to pry the socks off of your feet, tossing them somewhere on the floor.

Lifting your head back up, you saw Isabeau had easily found your small, light pajama set, holding the clothes in his hands. 

They were still folded neatly, since you hadn't slept with the others last night.

Suddenly, you noticed Isabeau freeze in place. And then, the realization hit you, too.

Undressing you was a level of intimacy neither of you would be used to, in a romantic context or otherwise. Definitely way outside of the boundary of "not liking being touched", which was what everyone else had assumed for so long.

Isabeau turned back around to see you now, as you were actively removing your gloves and placing them at your side. You attempted to lift the bottom of your turtleneck up, but…

Ow. Ow, that hurt. Your arms quickly began to ache in that position.

You didn’t expect to feel so worn out that you couldn’t even lift your arms and pull something as light as a shirt. It’s a good thing Isabeau had come with you after all, then.

Isabeau quickly hopped over to you. "Here, let me help you!" He put his hands on the hem of the sweater and looked up at your face. "Can you still lift your arms up?"

Slowly and methodically, you raised your arms up straight. It still hurt, but at least you just had to stay still this time.

Isabeau swiftly lifted your shirt up and pulled it over your head and off your arms.

You thought you would feel more uncomfortable, suddenly being shirtless in front of him. But maybe you were just too tired to care right now. 

You had never gotten changed in front of anyone in a long time. Or maybe that was the time weirdness messing with your perception again. 

Or maybe you just forgot. It wasn’t a super important detail to remember, anyway.

You looked at Isabeau’s face after a moment, noticing him staring at your chest. You knew it’s new to him, but what was so-?

Oh. You glanced down at yourself and saw... a star-shaped symbol in the middle of your chest. Its darkless shade was barely distinct from your pale skin. 

You… don’t remember that being there before. Where did it come from? Or was it always there?

…You weren't even sure if you remembered what your body looked like anymore. Even when you would sleep in the Clocktower, there was no mirror to look at yourself in or anything. 

You didn't want to be exposed to your own disgusting visage if you had any say in it anyway. 

...Those thoughts were going to be pretty hard to get out of, huh? 

You shook your head. No more of that talk. 

Isabeau should keep going.

It looked like he just snapped out of his trance, too.

"AH! SORRY!" he yelped. "H-here, let's get this on, now!" He frantically reached for the pajama top and draped it around your shoulders, covering your chest up except for that star marking.

You slid off of the bed to stand, sliding your arms into the sleeves. "Can you help me with my pants, too?"

Isabeau's entire body tensed up and his face contorted into itself, in a stunned expression. That was cute.

"Y-yeah! I gotcha, Sif," Isabeau responded, his voice decidedly more high-pitched than usual.

You felt Isabeau's fingers brush against your belly as he unbuckled your belt and unfastened the button on your pants. 

What an odd feeling, touching somewhere that private so lightly it hardly even counts. 

But it did to you. Every little touch meant so much to you.

Isabeau delicately rustled his fingertips along the waistband on your pants and pulled them down. You stepped out of them easily, giving the ends a little shake off your ankles. 

Quickly, Isabeau grabbed the soft pajama pants and slid them over your feet, bunching the rest of the legs around your ankles so that he could pull them all the way up easily.

You noticed his fingers linger at your hips. You supposed he had to be at least a little curious. But this was neither the time nor the place for it. He knew that too, and backed off after only a moment.

Isabeau looked up at you one last time, raising his hands to button up your shirt.

Warmth rushed to your cheeks. He didn't have to do that, but the softness and ease with which he slid the buttons through... Something about it made your heart flutter.

"Thank you, Isa," you sighed once he had finished.

"Of course, Sif," he replied, honey in his voice. He looked you right in the eye, full of gratitude, even though you were the one feeling grateful here.

Isabeau got back to his feet. "Is there anything else you need?"

You glanced away, embarrassed to say it. But you should. It would make him feel better to say it.

"Maybe not... need , but... I would like it if... you could stay here and sleep with me."

"O-oh!" Every little thing got Isabeau all flustered. It amused you. "Sure, yes! I-I'll go ahead and change clothes as well, then!" 

He hurriedly scrambled back to the closet to grab his tank top and shorts.

You sat back up onto the edge of your bed and just watched him. 

Isabeau unbuckled his sash and belt, and then slipped out of his shirt. His shoulder and back muscles rippled as he settled back into a relaxed position. 

You weren't... “into it”, per se, but… It was fascinating to watch.

Isabeau continued, shuffling off his big pants before putting on his sleep shorts. He then slipped the tank top over his head.

He turned back around towards you and flinched. “W-were you watching me that whole time…?”

You blushed. “M-maybe…” Quick, think of something funny to break the tension! “You just looked so… im-dress-ive.”

Isabeau couldn't hold back a belly laugh and snorted at your dumb pun. “Alright, that's enough outta you. Time for you to get some crabbing sleep!”

He rushed over to you, scooping you up before you knew it, and plopped you down on the bed. He climbed up on the opposite side not long after you came back to your senses.

You gingerly shuffled your aching body under the sheets and got settled, looking Isabeau in the face as he laid beside you.

You realized he was in the same position as when he almost confessed to you over so many timeloop nights in the Clocktower. And you realized that you never had that moment with him in this timeline. You took the time, through your tired eye, to appreciate every detail in his face, the freckles on his shoulders, the sparkle in his eyes… 

“Hey, Isa…”

“Yeah, Sif?”

“...I love you.”

“...I love you, too, Sif.”

You paused for a moment, noticing your heartbeat pick up speed. 

“Can I kiss you?”

Isabeau's face softened. “Of course.”

You felt Isabeau's hand curl around your cheek as you closed your eye and pulled yourself in. And waited.

His lips met yours. They were so gentle and comforting. Like a small hug. You wanted to stay there forever.

That feeling lulled you closer to sleep. You withdrew from Isabeau's face and nestled yourself into his body. His chest was soft and warm, more comfortable than any pillow.

Fatigue settled into your muscles, your bones, your soul. And you drifted off to sleep.

“Goodnight, Siffrin.”

☆☆☆

You opened your eye and rose from slumber in a half-awake state. You felt very groggy, and your body felt pretty sore, but you didn’t feel as sick now.

Wait. You didn’t immediately recognize where you were. The Clocktower? You looked down at your body to find you’d been changed into your pajamas.

Your brain was foggy. Was all of the last two days a bad dream? Did you reset back to the morning before defeating the King? But you never went back here before. So what-

THUNK!

You jumped as you heard the door downstairs slam shut, followed by someone’s stern voice shushing and scolding whoever did it. You couldn’t quite make it out. Something like, “Keep quiet! Siffrin is still asleep!”

Another, much smaller voice whispered “sorry” back to them.

You continued hearing their collective soft shuffling as you tried to organize your thoughts.

But suddenly, a scent caught your attention. You carefully breathed in… the scent of fresh, warm pastries, wafting up the stairwell. 

They must have been a gift from the boulangerie… after defeating the King… and saving Vaugaude.

A whimper escaped you before you'd realized you started to cry. You tried desperately to hold it in so no one else could hear you or worry about you, but you couldn’t stop many loud sobs from exiting your mouth.

You, at the very least, curled up as tight as you could, hands covering your face, as you heard their footsteps rush up to you.

“Siffrin!!” You heard Mirabelle shout as she hurried to your side.

She sat down next to you, gently tapping your right hand and trying to hold it. You took it down from your face and gripped her hand as hard as you could.

Your cries echoed throughout the Clocktower, from deep within your chest, partnered with hot tears that ran down your face. Your whole body was tight, squeezing out every last ounce of emotion.

After what felt like hours, you finally ran out of tears to cry. Mirabelle offered you some tissues in the meantime, which you needed and generously accepted.

Once your eyesight cleared and you could breathe normally, you saw Odile and Bonnie sitting across from you on the other bed.

“Are you feeling better now, Siffrin?” Odile softly broke the silence.

All you could do was nod in response.

“What happened?” Mirabelle asked. “Did you have a nightmare?”

“We might have woken him up earlier,” Odile mentioned to her, before turning her attention a little harshly to the kid. “Because somebody was being loud downstairs.”

“I already said I was sorry!” Bonnie yelled indignantly before quickly reeling it back in. “D-did I wake you up, Frin?” They turned to you and stared with their large eyes. “I’m really sorry if I did.”

You mustered up a chuckle at them. “No, Bonbon. I was already awake for a bit,” you croaked. “It’s okay. And I’m okay, too, I promise.”

“So what were you crying about?” Bonnie wondered aloud. Typical kid question.

“Siffrin doesn’t have to tell us that,” Odile quickly tried to correct them.

“It’s fine, Odile,” you cut in. “I… don’t really know how to put it into words, though.”

“Were you remembering what happened before?” Mirabelle posited. 

No, but now you remembered it all a little bit. All of the bad things you did and said recently.

You bit your lip. You didn’t want to start crying again.

“That’s not it,” you said. “It’s just that I realized… After you came back in, I knew, for sure, that today… was a new day.”

Suddenly, Mirabelle nearly headbutted you as she flung herself into you, giving you a big hug. “Oh Change, Siffrin! Now you’re going to make ME cry!”

Odile covered her emotional smile with a hand, but you could still see it in her eyes. 

Bonnie gave you a big, excited grin. “Well, we just got a whole bunch of tasty snacks, so now we can have something good to eat to celebrate!”

You laughed and smiled back. “Yeah, we can celebrate! Just as long as it's not all croissants.”

Bonnie looked at you quizzically. “What's the matter with croissants?”

Right. You shook your head. “Long story.”

Suddenly, you froze as you noticed something. “Hey… where is Isabeau?”

The last place you saw him was… right beside you, in bed. That was hours ago, he certainly could have gotten up, but where would he have gone?

“We… aren't sure about that, either,” Mirabelle responded. “While the rest of us were out earlier, he broke away and said he needed to get one last thing before we left Dormont. He didn't say more than that, though, so we're all kinda in the dark.”

“Well, no use staying up here longer than we have to,” Odile sighed after a beat, standing up from the edge of the bed. “We’ve got some breakfast to make, don’t we, Boniface?”

Bonnie grinned at her with wide eyes. “Yeah!!!” They immediately darted off towards the stairs but stopped themself shortly before they went out of view. “Come and hang out with us when we’re done, Frin!”

Odile quickly followed behind them, and Mirabelle lingered beside you for just a little longer, holding your hand gently. “I’m glad you’re doing better, Siffrin.”

She got up and gave you one more sweet smile. “I’m going to join the others downstairs. Remember, if you have any more big feelings, please don’t hesitate to talk about ‘em, feelings buddy!”

You made a crinkled smile back at her. “Thanks, feelings buddy.”

As soon as Mirabelle headed down to the kitchen downstairs, you heard the door creak open again. Everyone clamored at the visitor - it sounded like they were being nosy and asking what they had.

A deep, hushed voice told them to back off. You could immediately recognize that voice. 

Isabeau came back!

And as he was telling everyone else off, he mentioned your name. You started to get anxious.

Isabeau climbed up the stairs and flinched when he saw you upright on the edge of your bed. “Uh, hey, Siffarooni!” he greeted. “How’re you doing? Did you get a good sleep?”

You nodded, summoning a yawn and rubbing your eye. “What was everyone talking about just now? You have something for me?”

“Y-yeah! I, uh…” He shuffled his hands behind his back. “Well… y’know what, no.” His brow furrowed seriously. “What you said the other day… you were right. I don’t want to be a coward anymore. So… I’m just gonna give it to you.” 

He extended his hands and showed you… a small gift box. It was wrapped with a cute silk ribbon. 

You carefully untied it and opened the box to find… some lightless pearl earrings and a chain necklace. 

You looked up at Isabeau curiously, and found him blushing hard and squirming in place. 

“What are these for?”

“Well, I noticed that you didn’t wear earrings like the rest of us do, so um… A-and the necklace was for if you didn’t like the idea of wearing earrings! I knew a few people who moved to Vaugarde and pierced their ears later in life, and they said that it hurt a bit, s-so I just wanted to give you an alternative, in case your ears were too sensitive!”

You blinked. You knew the earrings were important to Vaugardian culture, but coming from him after confessing… 

“Did you get these from the jeweler here in Dormont?”

“Yeah!” Isabeau beamed as he spoke. “She and her wife were so happy to be back together, and she gave these to me on discount!” He paused and got shy again. “Wh-what do you think? Do you like them?”

You smiled. Of course you liked them. They were gifts from Isabeau. 

Although… “While I'm not too certain if I'm comfortable with the earrings… I really like the necklace. Thank you, Isa.”

Isabeau smiled wide, his eyes bright. “You’re welcome, Sif. I just thought it would be, like, a nice souvenir from the town! So you can remember it once we go travelling elsewhere.”

You’re pretty certain that wasn’t the only reason he gifted you these things, but you thought that it would be nice to have something personal to remember Dormont by. Something outside of your timeloop journey.

“COME ON DOWN HERE, IT’S TIME FOR BREAKFAST!!!” 

Bonnie’s loud shrill voice echoed throughout the Clocktower. 

The smell of freshly cooked eggs and toasted bread along with the buttery pastries already made you aware of the oncoming morning feast you were awaiting.

Isabeau excitedly headed towards the stairwell. “Come and join us when you’re ready, Sif!”

As he descended, you looked down at the jewelry he got you. Even at a discount, it probably cost quite a bit more than you’d ever be able to pay him back.

No. It’s a gift for you. You don’t have to pay him back. Just accept it.

The chain necklace was a little bit weighty, but the links were still thin and intricate. You slipped it over your head and let it rest on you. It was quite comfortable, and it would make a fun sound as you played with it between your fingers.

Not exactly as fun as a thing that goes “ding-ding” when you walk, but… close enough.

You changed out of your pajamas and into your trusty cloak. You decided to show off the chain necklace outside of the collar, too. You slipped the gift box with the earrings into your pockets. Maybe one day you’ll find something to do with them.

But, for now, it was time for a big breakfast with your family.

[ltrllynbdy]

So a few years ago I bought this trilogy called captive prince but after reading a few chapters of the first book I kind of gave up on it. I normally don't have a problem with exploring darker themes in a story but captive prince in particular was unenjoyable for me at that time

Later, I was bored with nothing much to do, so I decided to check my bookshelves, found captive prince and started reading and boy I am so glad that I did! I finished the books in a few days and proceeded to read all the short stories.

First of all, before I get to praise the book, I want to say my main criticism about the books: "the slavery stuff in the first book is badly written". Don't get me wrong, Captive prince does not glorify slavery like some haters suggest. I'm not exactly opposed to writing slavery in fiction and there are many political/historical fictional stories that have main characters trying to abolish slavery. It's a common theme.

Captive prince is not much different from the main character ,Damen ,who used to be a slaver himself, gets turned into a slave and tries to abolish it by the end of the series.

It's a fine idea on surface level but there's one big problem with it , I'd like to call it the "Erasmus problem". The first book of captive prince heavily suggested that there were slaves like Erasmus who liked to have a master and I want to believe it's Damen being biased and bigoted because of his privileged upbringing but the story itself still falls apart. There are also instances where sexual slavery becomes apparent and uncomfortable. So if any of these bothers you like it bothered me, the first book of CP is definitely not for you.

OK now for the positives:

From the second book onward, this trilogy becomes a masterpiece.

This story is truly an enemy to love. Most of the other enemies to lovers stories that I have read are just characters either having a simple rivalry or a petty misunderstanding. They dislike each other because one character ignored the other when they were kids , or because they are simply on a different sports team. Captive prince does not shy away from giving the main characters good and logical reasons to hate each other and even hurt each other to an extreme for great and understandably human reasons. They have hurt each other a lot and have no business ever falling in love and still somehow manage to grow and understand and develop something special and unique and I think it's beautiful.

The slow burn: The romance starts only after the entire first book (in which they just hate each other) and most of the second book (where they get to know and understand each other), it's not the slowest burn I've ever read but for a book with characters like these two, it's necessary. and well written

Captive prince's author is extremely brave in making the first book and one of the main characters deliberately hateable with a seemingly unreliable narrator: I don't think I've ever read a story where I hate the first book and enjoy the rest. First impressions are very important and when people don't like an entire first book they probably wouldn't try to continue. I have no idea how and why this author managed to make people still invested enough to publish the second and third book but I'm glad that it happened. It was so enjoyable reading the story from one character's perspective and going from absolutely hating the other character to loving him and understanding him. with the unreliable narrator that is Damen.

The world building, writing and the political story: This may not be the greatest political story with the greatest worldbuilding I've ever read but considering the genre that is m/m romance, I think it's excellent. Let's face it, it's not common for m/m romance to do worldbuilding and politics well. I don't want to seem mean but I've read a decent amount of books and m/m romance and very few of them were actually satisfying to me in terms of politics. Captive prince was one of the rare gems. There might be a few plot holes for me here and there but seeing the characters struggle with each other and plan things out , helping each other or getting fooled by each other in a romance story focusing on mostly only two characters was great to see. I also found some aspects of Homonormativity in the world hilarious. Unless you are married, you are not allowed to be straight in Vere because they hate bastards lol

Despicable villain: This story has the worst and most hateable villain I've ever read in an m/m story. This again goes back to the author being brave enough to write the story the way it is since a lot of romance writers don't dare tackle some really darker aspects.

Subversion of Tropes and Exploration of Power Dynamics : This one was a little hard for me to put into words but basically the series delves into power dynamics in relationships, politics, and society, offering nuanced portrayals of domination, submission, and consent and I don't necessarily mean sexually. In most romance stories, whenever character 1 goes to character 2's kingdom as a lover or sex slave (usually character 1 is the female character in a straight romance) you'd almost always see them have one specific power dynamic. In Captive prince, their characters and their dynamics clashes and changes rapidly and as the story goes on, Damen as a king becomes almost equal to Lauren (I would argue he even becomes politically more powerful than Laurent during certain parts of the story considering Laurent remains a prince for the most part but I digress)

Flawed and human characters who hurt each other without actually romanticizing toxicity: One thing that some people criticize about captive prince and I disagree with, is that it has a toxic relationship. I have to mention that there's basically no actual relationship between the characters until the end of the story and when they do get into a relationship they are a very sweet couple. I think people call them toxic because they were flawed and literal enemies who hurt each other because of it but that's not what I call toxic. Toxicity implies that them being together (they were not together) poisons their life. Both characters manage to grow and understand each other. Damen in particular is a character who you don't see his flaws at first but it becomes more evident how privileged and naive he was and he changes a lot as well as Laurent.

Overall I think excluding the slavery aspects of book 1 which are badly written, this story hits the mark of everything I need in a romance book and I just needed to talk about it. Thanks for coming to my ted talk!

[everything-person]

Captain Swan SuperNatural Summer

I was looking so forward to this event. I had so many ideas and concepts. But real life happened and my muse ran away so i was unable to write any of my ideas no matter how hard. But with this being the last event I will not turn up empty handed so I made art for all the ideas. @cssns

TRIGGER WARNING under cut has 9 art pieces they are numbered the 9th piece contains images of blood

1.) Sands of time based on the movie/video game Prince of Persia. King Nemo ruled with his brother and right hand Jafar. The King already had sons but one day while wandering the market he found two orphan boys that showed grant potential and took them in. After invading the sacred oasis of MistHaven Killian is framed for the murder of his adoptive father. With the help of Princess Emma he escapes and finds there is more to the dagger and plot behind his fathers death then he thought.

2.) Phoenix Diamond Based off of Onward. Henry never knew his father Graham. ON his 16th birthday his mother gave him a gift from his father it was a magic wand powered by a phoenix diamond to bring Graham back for one day. He tried the spell himself but it didn't work. But when his mother touched the wand it began to glow. The spell went a miss and now they are in a race against time to find another phoenix diamond to bring him back unbeknownst to them the dangers that lie in their quest.

3.) Living in the Dark inspired by Being Human. Killian is a vampire that has stopped drinking from fresh blood. Graham is a werewolf. They get an apartment together and be roommates. They wind up renting from Emma but there's something strange about her son who randomly pops in on the guys. Everyone trying to get a sense of normal life but how can they living in the dark.

4.) Wrong Ship inspired by Doctor Who episode. Jolly Roger magically tranforms into a human woman and goes to find Killian. Confusion and misunderstanding puts a rift into Emma and Killians relationship.

5.) Sandcastles and Riptides Liam and Killian are mermen raised under their grandfather King Triton brother to King Poseidon. Emma is the princess of misthaven raised under her well meaning but over protective parents. Each of their worlds forbidden from each other but fate demands them together.

6.) The Swan and the Hook is a pirated themed story with lots of twists and turns. I know doesn't appear supernatural but trust me there was/is supernatural undertones.

7.) Witches of Storybrooke loosely based on Hocus Pocus. After Henrys mother dies he goes to live in the sleepy town in Maine. He learns the legend of three witches that used to live there and of a candle that was to bring them back to life. Hoping maybe he could find some magic to bring his mother back he ventures into the woods. But he finds there is are two sides of every story when the witches do come back.

8.) Dance with the Devil Killian succeeded in his revenge against Rumplestiltskin and turned into the Dark One as a result. For centuries he stayed in the dark ones castle until one night he heard of princesses coming of age ball. Unable to turn away the temptation he slipped into the ball and had a hypnotizing dance with a beautiful blonde before barricading himself back into his castle. What happens when he finds the same blonde battered and abused in his forest years later?

9.) How a got a pet vampire was a supernatural comedy that came about from a discord discussion of a prompt.

Those were my ideas and maybe some day I can actually write them the titles might change if I do these were just the best I could come up with.

[artbyblastweave]

Hey I was wondering since you are very familiar with superhero comics/media and I am not: I remember reading on TVTropes about how there was some comic arc where Superman is basically forced to kill the Joker/does it under extremely understandable circumstances, but then immediately jumps off the slippery slope and becomes a horrible mass murderer. SO, I was wondering if Amy in Worm is a commentary/take on this, on what kind of warped understanding of morality taught by someone's family environment would one have to have to actually believe breaking one's principles once while being forced to by a serial killer would make you into an irredeemable villain forever, and what kind of trauma and warped understanding would you have to have for that to actually be TRUE and for you to actually do horrible things afterward. Emphasizing that that kind of moral arc is not how normal humans work and there would have to be very unusual circumstances for it to happen. But since I don't know about superhero comics I can't really elaborate on this, so I wonder what you think of the idea.

So the specific arc you're talking about was Injustice: Gods Among Us, and the tie-in comics produced as a backstory for that video game- which came out in 2013 onward, so the times don't line up for Amy to be a commentary on that arc specifically. In particular, Superman has basically the exact opposite issue that Amy does; he killed Joker because he murdered an entire city, and he justifies his subsequent slide towards tyranny on the grounds that he wasn't being proactive enough to stop things like that beforehand. Kind of a common refrain in "Superman loses it" stories- refer in particular to the "I did love being a hero. But if this is where it leads, I'm done with it" scene from the Justice Lords arc of the old Justice League cartoon. (Batman is occasionally painted as having a "murder-is-like-potato-chips" problem, refraining from killing because he wouldn't be able to stop. Depends on the writer, though.) What Amy absolutely is commenting on is what I think was a very pervasive idea in cape comics in the years when Worm was being formulated- the idea of the hero/villain binary as a real and meaningful thing, two meaningful categories of people which you can switch between as a discreet and meaningful action. Black Knight, Hawkeye, Rogue- all superheroes who started as supervillains, two distinct statuses which they held. Characters like Deadpool and Harley Quinn start as villains and drift towards a third-position antiheroic middle-ground that's treated as noteworthy for not really falling into either camp- in turn sort of generating what basically amounts to a third cluster, a coherent trinary. (A lot of 90s anti-heroes reifying the binary in how they're marketed as violating it.) Not actually many heroes I can think of who've gone full villain and had that stick, but definitely heroes who've flipped for a time in a meaningful way- Hal Jordan becoming Parallax sticks in my head. And at least since the 80s you've had writers making post-modern gags about powered people who opt out entirely and have day jobs using their powers for something mundane. (The X-Men are all over the place in here.) And subdued but gradually swelling in popularity is where Worm lands- the idea that what you're actually looking at here is a mob of agents, with their own granular agendas, alliances, outlooks, lines in the sand, and relationship to the law-as-written- that when a hero starts acting villainous or a villain does something heroic, when they approach a fifty-fifty split without actually changing their label, it's an indictment of the idea you can actually broadly group them so neatly in the first place. And there's a lot of clunky dialogue in parts of Worm where characters are treating the hero/villain binary as a real tangible thing- "hero behavior, villain behavior-" in a way that seems hilariously naïve and awkward from where I'm sitting in 2023, and indeed was probably kind of a no-duh moment even in 2011. Anti-heroes had been around for a while. But I do think that those sequences were written in conversation with an assumption about the genre that wasn't totally dead in the water at the time, an assumption that Amy holds as a way of showing how treating the categories as innate will drive you nuts when they fail to model reality. I genuinely believe that the MCU and DCEU have killed this binary dead in the general consciousness, though. These days a "superhero" is whoever the protagonist of the movie is, and the idea that that can encompass a whole range of moralities is pretty strongly cemented. A supervillain is whoever fights the star of the movie once and then dies. It's whoever is creating a problem right that second, not a social role you hold for a prolonged period. In this way and some others, Worm hasn't been commenting on the dominant paradigm of superheroism in some time- it's becoming kind of a period piece.

[kaigarax]

Absolutely Bright

Geto Suguru x Reader

Quote: "Fall in love with someone when they're soft and gentle."

“Would you die if someone told you to?” You asked, the back of your hand brushing up against Geto’s as the two of you continued onwards, the silence of night blaring loudly.

Geto looked at you, a frown pulling at his lips, “what’s this about?”

“No, you wouldn’t. Right?”

“Well I don’t imagine anyone would simply just agree to dying.”

“Yeah,” you hum, “that’s what I thought.”

---

Geto Suguru has never been much of a drinker. Never saw a need to willingly put foul tasting liquid in his mouth just for the sake of losing all sense and all feelings of control.

You and Gojo, on the other hand, don’t seem to have quite the same sentiments. Willingly indulging in the foul tasting drinks as if you need it to survive. As if it’s a necessary task that needs to be completed in order to be a proper teenager. A task that neither of you seems to have too many qualms over.

Usually both you and Gojo are dragged back to school by Geto after a long night of him sitting in the back. Tonight though, it seems only you have gone beyond your typical limits as you stumble into him as he has his back pressed to the back of a wall.

“Geto.” You say, his name coming out slowly.

“Still alive, (L/n)?” Teases Geto.

You sigh, taking a seat against the wall beside him, “unfortunately.”

“Dying never really has been your forte, huh?”

You look up at him from your seat on the ground, “you don’t even know.”

Your eyes, despite being clouded over, seem to peer into his very soul. So bright and brilliant and swirling with gold. Almost like the very night sky.

Like Gojo you’d been blessed with eyes that see more than the normal person’s. And with eyes that see brilliantly come an appearance that is also brilliant. Geto can barely count the number of people that have been entranced by such eyes. He, himself, has always been rather immune to the beauty of eyes but always finds himself shocked at just how deeply you always seem to look at him. Almost as if you regarde him with a warmth and brilliance that he’s unaware he possesses.

Geto has to shake his head to pull himself from the grasp you’ve unknowingly placed around him.

You drop your head to your lap and sigh.

Geto reaches into his pocket and pulls out a silver lighter.

He doesn't actually smoke much, mostly carries it around for Shoko, but sometimes it helps to numb the bitterness in his mouth. More numb than it is badly tasting. Sounds like a brilliant idea as he drops down to take a seat beside you against the wall.

The white stick feels so brittle and fragile as he brings it up to his lips before lighting it up.

The sound of the lighter flicking seems to catch your attention as you look up at him overtop your arm.

“Those kill you, ya know.” You say.

You always tell Shoko the same thing whenever you see her smoke despite the fact that she never shows any sign that she plans to stop. Geto thinks that you mostly tell her now out of habit. That it’s not really something either of you think too much into and the thought is amusing. A sort of pattern that your friendship has fallen into.

Geto laughs, breathing in a drag, “I know.”

You bring a hand up to your uniform, pulling a few buttons loose before moving to pull your hair loose. You had put it up nicely earlier in the day but it seems that the heat has begun to get to you.

You always put a lot of effort into looking nice and presentable.

Geto thinks you look pretty with your hair loose.

Has to force himself to look away.

He holds the cigarette in his hand, staring at the red end of the blunt. It’s almost pretty as it slowly disappears - transforming into ash. Not pretty in the traditional sense but pretty in the way that broken glass is as it glitters in the sun. Something that’s only pretty when you’re in an intoxicated state of mind.

You move quicker than he thought you could as you snatch the cigarette from his hand.

Geto thinks that you’re going to throw it away so it surprises him when you bring it up to your own lips as you breathe in.

His heart flutters treacherously.

He can see the hint of a tattoo you have over your collar bone as your unbuttoned blouse folds over itself and hangs low, showing off the tanktop you wear underneath. He didn’t know you had gotten a tattoo though he isn’t all too surprised either. You always went out of your way to do small and subtle things to rebel as most teenagers did.

He can barely make out the word Absolutely in dark ink sprawled over your collarbone.

Your hair hangs loosely around your shoulders as you look up at him with those dazzling eyes. Geto thinks that he might be stuck here for an eternity, staring at you like this.

Then you break out into a cough.

Geto laughs, “first time?”

You pout, “don’t be mean.”

He pulls the cigarette from your grasp before dropping it to the ground and stepping it out.

“How do you and Shoko smoke that?” You asked, “it’s horrible.”

Geto shugs, “some people are just able to handle bad tasting things.”

“Ha,” you laugh, “bad tasting things,” as if it’s simply just another thing to say.

At one point in his life, Geto might’ve laughed too. Might’ve leaned down and brushed your hair back before kissing you on the lips. Might’ve even enjoyed the fluttering of his heart as you look up at him. But not all people are meant to stay the same - just as not all things are meant to stay exact.

“Do you have any siblings, Geto?” You ask suddenly.

“Hm?”

“I used to have an older brother and sister, you know.”

Geto looks at you gently, watching as you push back a loose strand of hair and turn to face him, “how did they ever put up with someone as annoying as you?” He knew that your father had quite a few kids but he had always been under the impression that you were the oldest. It was almost… surprising.

“I’ll have you know that I was an excellent younger sister.” You exclaim, “they love me.”

“I bet they do.”

“Well,” you look down, “at least they did.”

Geto’s heart pangs at the sad look you get. He feels guilty for something he’s had no control over. Almost feels as though the sadness you’re feeling is his own. Figures it’s probably time for you to head back as he turns around and kneels down, his back to you.

“What?” You ask.

“Get on.”

“Why?”

“I’m taking you back.”

You pout, “but I don’t wanna go back,” despite wrapping your arms around him.

Geto chuckles as he wraps his arms around your legs and props you up, “I think you’ve partied enough for one night.”

“Hm,” you grumbled as you rested your head on his back.

Geto slowly makes his way through the room before he finally spots Gojo. Gojo seems caught up in his own adventure at the moment - just barely making enough time to look up at Geto to smile and laugh.

Geto gestures to you before moving his head towards the door.

He doesn't really know if Gojo understands him or not but he doesn't wait too long to figure it out. Shoko’s still here and Geto can always come back and pick him up after dropping you off if things (Gojo) get too out of control.

It’s a lot quieter outside.

There’s less and less people as he makes his way back.

The cool night air has you leaning close to Geto for warmth.

The night skies are pretty. They’ve always been pretty but never something Geto actually thought much about. So far away and out of reach.

Geto hums gently to himself, the noises of night as his accompaniment.

Such a lovely world they’ve been born into. Even with curses and pain and suffering.

“Geto.” You say, your voice soft.

Geto’s humming abruptly stops as he feels you pull back slightly.

Was it bothering you? Did you find it annoying?

“You don’t like me very much, do you, Geto?” You asked.

Geto, whose arms are wrapped securely around you, laughs gently, “what makes you say that? I’m carrying you home in the middle of the night. I wouldn't do this for just anyone you know.”

“You’re only doing this because Satoru asked you to take care of me tonight.” You say, resting your head on his back.

Satoru.

You call him Satoru while he’s just Geto.

“I thought you were the one that didn’t like me.” Geto hums.

“Really?” You gasp dramatically, “what made you think that?”

“You never talk to me first.” Geto’s gentle voice is a contrast to your own intoxicated one, “always go out of your way to avoid partnering up with me and complain whenever it’s just the two of us assigned to a mission.”

“That’s because I’m embarrassed when I’m around you.”

“Are you now?” Teases Geto.

You nod, “of course. Everyone’s embarrassed when they talk to the person they like - like. And I, my good sir, happen to like - like you.”

Geto frowns, “you’re drunk, (L/n).”

“It doesn't matter anyway because you don’t like me.” You huff, “I’m just the transfer student in your eyes. Shoko’s an expert in reverse cursed energy while you and Satoru are the strongest. Poor ol’ me is left behind.”

“You’re not just the transfer student, (L/n).”

You will never be just the transfer student to him.

“You’re right. I’m also (L/n) to you. Next head of the (L/n) clan.”

Ah yes, the great (L/n) clan. Known for their cumulative abilities. Despite not being the eldest your father had determined that it would be you that would get to claim the great inheritance that is becoming the next leader. Unlike your siblings, you’d been born with the stars in your eyes; an ability only seen in your family once every few generations. So, after years of being trained and prepared by members of your Clan they shipped you off to Jujutsu School in hopes of giving you experience in the world before calling you back to fulfill your purpose.

Geto never really knew much, apart from what Satoru and Shoko had told him - and all their information had come from you.

He wonders what your father would think if he saw you now?

Well you were certainly getting your fair share of ‘worldly experiences’.

He feels a little guilty as the weight of your words sink in. He knows that you aren’t the closest with your father and your relationship is complicated. Well more complicated than normal families.

Geto’s frown deepens, “that’s not what I mean.”

“Then why’d you use my surname?” You pout, “you call Satoru and Shoko by their given names while I’m just (L/n).”

“Well I’m just Geto to you.” The sudden outburst is uncharacteristic of Geto. It has him suddenly halting his movements in surprise. He didn’t expect the words to come out so harshly. Didn’t think that he was capable of saying something so brash and cold.

And to you of all people.

An apology quickly forms in his mind but gets caught in his throat - as things usually do when it comes to you.

Your hold around him softens as you laugh, “Suguru.”

Your voice is so soft as you say his name. So warm and gentle. Geto isn’t certain he’s ever heard anyone say it in such a way before and it sends his heart racing. It feels so different from any other time he’s ever heard it from your lips. Or anyone else for the matter. Actually, Geto’s pretty certain this is the first time he’s ever heard you use his given name.

“(Y/n).” He says in response, slowly and calmly in hopes of masking the erratic beating of his ever treacherous heart.

“That’s not my name.” You say.

“It isn’t? But it’s what everyone calls you.”

“It’s my name but it’s not my real name. It’s what my mother wanted to call me but my father said otherwise.”

Geto laughs softly, “and what would you like me to call you?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“I want to be your tomorrow.” You hum, nuzzling into the back of his neck, “I want to be all your tomorrows.”

Fall in love with someone when they’re soft and gentle.

[pastel-rights]

I LOVE your art style! How did you came up with it?

huh? my art style??? uhhh, i mean i uhhhh if you want, i can explain how I got to this point but. sometimes, things just. happen yknow???

honestly my old art compared to the more recent of what I've done probably looks. very very jarring side by side since it looks like it was drawn by completely different people lol. For example, look at this early 2017 character concept verse a late (November) 2024 character concept.

It's. Definitely a lot to take in so uhm. Buckle up! [cue a heavy metal version of bye-bye-bye playing for atmosphere reasons]

So, I've been drawing as a hobby since about... 2009 give or take? However, the earliest art I have on hand is probably from... 2016 or 2015 tbh??? Although, I only really started keeping a fr fr log of my art from 2019 and onwards so, let's start with what I actually have to show.

It's all about the basics, anon!

Growing up, my art was inspired by the shows I watched growing up! in particular, shows like "Codename: Kids Next Door" and "Tom and Jerry" were my rock in childhood times (since I wasn't allowed to watch Spongebob until I was much older and a majority of my "childhood" tv shows didn't start airing until later in my life, like Bubble Guppies (which aired in 2011) and Team Umizoomi and Octonauts (which both released in 2010) which, by then, the television was run by my younger brother's needs mostly, and I didn't get a say.)

So, I guess you could say my art was inspired by those two shows mostly???? of course, not... fully? hold on let me show you guys the earliest art I have to work with here-

these are all from 2019 since it's the furthest back I was able to save my art but. Looking at it, it doesn't look like it was inspired in the way artists are normally inspired by their environment. At least, that's not how it feels to me.

my art at this point was very... a lot of it was traditional in comparison to now, for starters. The color grades are completely off, the lining is. interesting. A lot of one shot one result type of shenanigans. Of course, it shares its origin with my childhood entertainment in general, which is being very cartoonish in style! On traditional grounds, I fucked around with a lot of different methods, some just pencil, some with markers, blah blah blah yada yada yada.

which, character design is my passion /ref if you couldn't tell. but my art style has always been very cartoonish and stylized, even in my earliest days. Big eyes, wild hair styles, noodly limbs, you know, the cartoonist hallmarks! If nothing else, my art style is more reflective of who I am as a person?? like the cartoons that formed me, it's very expressive and full of color and whimsy and in its own way, it's my way of thanking the world that taught me happiness and joy, and I draw to give others that same feeling.

Whether that be my friends' OCs or silly shitposts, I draw for the joy others get seeing it! Here look at this picture of my friend (@sxftriina)'s OC, Ocean, I draw way way back when lol

...

but at some point, I realized. My art didn't make me happy anymore. I didn't have fun drawing anymore. and it just became more of a chore to make than a fun hobby or a good time. I couldn't find the joy in art anymore. And I couldn't create anything I was proud of either.

I got stuck. It didn't matter what I drew, what things I tried. I couldn't make myself happy again. and while my art might not have suffered.

I did.

art was nothing more than a chore. something I had to do because I wasn't good for anything else.

and it made me severely depressed, among other things happening during those times.

so what does a burnt out depressed artist do in crisis times??????????

...

he joins tumblr, of course.

I wish I was joking. I'm not.

anyways so it was like 4am and I was like "let me join tumblr why the hell not maybe I'll find something there" and uhm. well I didn't find anything initially. and every day was as depressing as the last, and I eventually just. felt like giving up. I ran an askblog and drew a ton still because while it made me unhappy, I felt unhappier just. doing nothing. Lesser of two evils I suppose?

that was until I uh. I met someone really special to me. Even now.

if you're reading this, uh. hi lupi!

This was around the time I found Identity Five at the end of 2020, and began drawing fanart for the game, which restored... some joy to art? Not completely, but, I wasn't so miserable drawing during this time of my life. It felt like a chore still, but, at least now I was having some semblance of fun doing it. Not completely fun though... I was still stuck in a funk. I didn't know why.

And then, I met Lupi. At the time, she was following me through her askblog account (she still does) and I got curious and decided to check it out for myself and. I think if I never checked out Lupi's blog that day, my art wouldn't have taken the direction it did, and, I would have never regained my love for my craft.

Of course, I feel silly even talking about it so... I took a different direction with my art after scrolling through Lupi's art, which sometimes I'll do, even to this day just for fun sake. And this time... I don't know.

It just felt different this time. It wasn't the best, and it certainly wasn't easy either. But for the first time in over a year... I had genuine fun drawing again. No negative feelings attached.

Just... fun.

A lot of fun at that. A lot of things from this era of my style stuck. Like... a looooot. My color choices, my mini style, the flow, a lot of what I learned from this era stuck with me, even now.

it retains so much of the past yet it means so much more. it's still cartoonish, still small and squashed, funky hairstyles, noodle limbs, fun clothing... the whole nine yards.

Of course... this is only 2021 art. My art now, while similar... it's not the same. And it's all thanks to ONE RED HAIRED MOTHERFUCKER. not ginger, red haired. apples are red, not orange. /ref

It was the first time in. several years that I've drawn something just for me. Even if it was something small and silly while waiting for an after-school activity to start. It was something I remember really fondly, a feeling that wasn't just fun but. actual joy.

Not only that but, for as simple as it is, it marked the start of a very, very... very long long of stylization like never before. You take what makes you happy... piece by piece, bit by bit...

you learn... you grow... you improve upon skills you have... body language, expression, detail... all those things. You meet some really cool people along the way... you talk, you laugh, you cry.

you get inspired and you want to show them something new, something cool... and in doing so, you make something you never thought was possible. Not with your skills, and not in a million years.

But, you learn. you laugh. you watch. you grow.

you figure out what you like. cool colors, fun dynamics, shading, lighting, storylines... things like that. you inspire others, and those people inspire you in turn.

you learn some cool new poses, you draw some fun fanart for your friends aus, you try new things and those end up sticking.

sometimes it's just you and one other person, who stuck through, watching you draw until a piece's very end. because they like you for you. and they care. sometimes they never leave your side, and they continue to inspire you to this very day.

you have fun with what youre doing. there's not really any need to rush, you know? you look at new media, you talk to the people you care about the most, you make things to surprise them with. and they're happy. and you're happy.

and you want to keep drawing.

but you can't forget to draw for yourself sometimes. something just for you that others can enjoy, but, it wasn't made for others. it was made because you love yourself and you deserve something special. it's important to draw what you want for yourself.

and sometimes, it becomes your staple.

you put your best foot forward, you give it everything you've got! because it's not a chore. it's fun. it's a hobby.

and it makes you happy. your art becomes recognizable, people compliment it and enjoy its presence. even in passing.

...

I love my art style too, anon. i know its been a long while of me talking. telling my story, my experience with my art. how it built me. how it ruined me. and how I found myself again.

I didn't know how to answer your question when I first got this ask.

Because, I didn't know how I came up with it. In my mind, it just happened. But, I think I have an answer for you now.

For real this time.

My art style is a culmination of everything and everyone I love. Navi, Pins, Beth, Yuu, Tae, Klai, Joe, Rina, Lupi, Four, pretty much everyone I surround myself with on a day to day basis. Bit by bit, piece by piece, my art style is fueled by the love I have for my friends.

Every improvement over the years has all been so I can show them something fun, something new. So I can keep surprising them with each new piece I do.

But, it's not just my friends.

It's you too, anon. Whoever you are. Wherever you are. Every like, every reblog, every comment and compliment. Every ask, every live reaction.

Thank you.

Thank you for helping me find my joy again. I hope I didn't disappoint.