#so a lot of the teaching and manners and how tos got left to me

[diaryofrepeatedhistory]

This reminds me of my brother💜 he doesn’t remember lots of things but I love to tell him stories about when he was small. There’s over a decade between us and so our childhoods and lives are very different. But when he did a parenting style assignment for his class he told me wrote “about how I raised him”. He told classmates that he doesn’t really remember our parents raising him, he remembers me. And that makes every second I spent being more responsible than I should have had to be absolutely worth it.

Late night thoughts

[darknessisafriend]

Your savior

Tag list: @help-i-am-obssessed @the-ineffable-dreamer 

Request from @sirianfromsixties

Prompt: Hi Would you do a Joker x Reader like : it was late night in Gotham and the reader was walking alone when 3 men started to harass her and punch her till,while she's on the floor all hurt and In pain,someone came and shoot the 3 men,then take her senseless to his "home" to take care of her?(it's the joker obv) Then idk,like,when she wakes up she's scared but then only thankfull and turned on by him and things happens?And this is becoming smuth  

NSFW 

Here it is ! I’m really happy to share this with you people, hope you’ll like it <3

You were tired, your day at work got longer than expected and you had to work on extra material until 9pm. To make things worse you lived around 45 min away from work, the subway was fine, a lot of people were taking this line to go out, it made you feel safe. Cities and especially Gotham were dangerous places for women, even more if you’re alone outside after 8 in the evening. Now what worried you the most was this 15 minutes’ walk from the subway to your flat; the neighborhood wasn’t bad in itself but there was couple of bars nearby and drunk people could really become annoying and creepy; you stopped counting how many times you had to speed your pace because of some guys calling you and even following you.

You exited the subway stop, it was getting quite cold, after all it was October. You tighten your coat around your body and walked to your flat; the way was pretty simple, you kept walking on the main street then at the crossing turn left, until you reach the adjacent street where was your flat. Even if the city made you nervous, you enjoyed the night, the few stars you could see mixed with the lights of the skyscrapers was beautiful. 

“Hi…” lost in your thoughts you startled at hearing someone calling you. You quickly glanced in their direction, there was 3 guys sitting on the steps of a building, a couple of bottles around them. ‘And here we go’ you thought starting to be nervous.

You decided to continue walking, hopefully they will leave it at that.

“Hey Miss! C’mon don’t be afraid, we just wanna talk to you!” another insisted. You continued to walk pretending not to hear them, your heartbeat increasing. You heard footsteps behind you ‘shit! Please stop!’ you wished, you started to increase your pace. Until you felt your arm being yanked back.

“Don’t you fuckin’ ignore me!” badgered the man holding your arm.

“Yeah he’s being nice to you and you act like a brat…” chided the third one. You tried to snatch your arm out of his grip.

“I’m not interested, just let me go.” You replied trying to hide the fear in your voice.

“What you think I’m not good enough for you?!

“I didn’t say…” a heavy slap across your cheek cut you off, you can feel your cheek burning, the shock makes your eyes wet. You struggled trying to free yourself from his claws and run away. But the 2 other men joined him gripping you by your coat, shoulders, pushing towards a dark alley.

“HELP!!” you screamed at the top of your lungs ‘please somebody hear me!’, you received another hit, this time a fist met your jaw, sending you to the ground, you tried to crawl away from them, but despite the alcohol they were faster than you, gripping your hair tightly.

“We’re gonna teach you good manners hussy!” one of them growled, kicking you in your belly, you curved into a ball trying to protect yourself, and they continued to punch you over and over again until you couldn’t feel the pain anymore, but only the pounding in your head and warm drops of blood dripping from various areas of your face.

“Hey, hold her, might as well take some good time with her” tempted one as he started to take off his belt ‘please not this’

A loud bang like a gunshot resonated around you “What the…!” screamed one the man, before another gunshot happened, then a third one. You wanted to move, get away but your body was becoming weaker and weaker, in fact your survival instinct was trying to keep you conscious but the hits you took had hurt you badly. The last thing you remember was a laugh, a hearty laugh, your eyelids closed, you vision becoming blurry, a red spot coming closer to you…

 Several hours later

 Your head was pounding, painful, your eyelids heavy. You didn’t want to move, you just felt exhausted, like any ounce of energy you had, had left your body. Whatever was surrounding you was soft…and warm. Where were you? You wondered. Suddenly everything that had happened to you surged back to your mind, their beating, your cries for help, the gunshots. Your eyes shot open. Your eyes quickly wandering around the room where you were. There was barely enough light for you to distinguish anything, there was a large window giving a view of the city, it was still the night?

There wasn’t much in the room, apart from the bed you were in; there was desk with a mirror, an ashtray, the smell of cigarette was very present and there was also tubes and pallets of paint or makeup maybe. The door was closed but you could see light peak through the cracks of the door.

As if your body was only starting to wake up, you started to feel pain, in your belly, your arms and you realized that they were full of purple bruises. You winced, which in return made your head hurt, you slowly brought your fingers to touch your face, you could feel your left eyebrow being swollen, a cut crossing it. You felt dry blood around your nostrils, and another cut at your lower lip.  You felt tears prickling in your eyes, remembering the scene once again.

But you were okay now…who had saved you? In any case, you had to thank them, who knows if you’d still be alive if this mysterious savior hadn’t pulled the trigger. Cause yeah, you weren’t stupid, you remembered the gunshots and honestly you didn’t care, these assholes only got what they deserved. You wanted to thank to person who saved you.

Still, feeling cautious, you got out of bed as slowly as you could, realizing at the same time that you were only wearing your panties and undershirt, you guessed your clothes were probably full of blood and filth from the streets.  You tip toed to the door, looking through the key hole, trying to spot somebody but nothing. Your hand slowly reached for the doorknob, twisting it as slowly as you could. You arrived in a much bigger room, with sofas, tables and many chairs, looked like a meeting room.

“You should be staying in bed…” you jumped at the masculine voice behind you. You took a deep breath ‘come on this person saved you, there’s nothing to fear!’ you told yourself as you pivoted to face your savior. You weren’t expecting to come face to face with the Joker. You were kind of frozen, at his sight, his eyes were intensely looking at you, he brought his cigarette to his lips, taking a long drag. You took a few steps back, your back meeting the sofa. So that explain the laugh you heard and the red you saw. You were confused, he’s supposed to be a crazy criminal regardless that he was right to speak out about the state of Gotham…why save you? He didn’t say a word, probably curious of what you’d do next. He didn’t look like he had bad intentions towards you. You caught yourslef wondering what he looked like without his makeup on but now that you had him right in front of you, he wasn’t as frightening as the media presented him, he looked quite elegant actually with his 3-piece suit, his green hair perfectly slicked back, his makeup neatly applied. You realized that he had beautiful eyes, their color going from green to an icy blue, quite captivating actually…then you became aware that you might have been starring at him for too long.

“Thank you…” you started embarrassed, lowering your eyes. He chuckled, you couldn’t help but be on your guard, to wake up at a criminal’s home after being assaulted by other criminals wasn’t a common thing…did he plan on keeping you here? This idea suddenly appeared, you started to be anxious again, quickly brushing a strand of hair behind you ear, this was the Joker there’s no way to escape him!

The clown must have sensed your sudden panic, so he walk to what you assumed to be the entrance door, and he opened it.

“You free to go but you should stay, you took a pretty bad beating, you’re still weak.” He advised, taking another drag of his cigarette. Shit, you were being stupid, if he wanted to hurt you, considering your outfit at the moment, he would have already done it.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…be rude…” you stuttered. You heard him closing the door, but as the adrenaline came down, you started to feel dizzy, loosing your balance. Thankfully he was quickly by your side, holding you steady, his hands felt warm against your skin.

“You’re freezing cold, let’s go back to bed” he directed, holding you against his side, one arm wrapped around your shoulders, the other gently stroking your forearm.  You sat on the mattress, he did the same, putting a cover over your body. It was nice to have someone taking care of you after what you’ve been through, to be comforted. Another feeling rose in your chest, your eyes becoming wet, your lower lip trembling, you didn’t want to cry but it became stronger until you couldn’t hold it anymore, tears running down on your face, your breathing erratic.

“Shhshhshh come here kitten…” he took you into his embrace, your arms wrapped around his waist beneath his vest. You buried your head in the crook of his neck and cried for several minutes. He continued to hold you, one hand stroking your back and the other caressing your hair, it soothed you, and even when you had finished crying you stayed buried in his embrace enjoying the warmth, listening to his calm heartbeat, you could smell that he was wearing Cologne. You nuzzled your nose against the skin of his neck, you wanted to be closer to him, you didn’t want to feel the hands of those assholes on you anymore, you felt soiled. And you found the Joker quite handsome, charismatic, magnetic, and he has been so gentle with you…

You brushed your lips against his skin, he chuckled.

“Now, aren’t you being a tease?” he asked, you could tell he was smiling. You looked up meeting his eyes, he was intrigued, but you could also tell that he was attracted to you, his pupils were slightly dilated starring at your lips, his hand never leaving your body since he first touched you. So you leaned in, kissing his lips; his hand instantly went to your neck, his thumb caressing your cheek, his tongue came teasing your lips, so you opened your mouth, your tongue meeting his, it tasted good, addictive, a soft mix of alcohol and tobacco. The kiss became more intense, needy, you slipped on of your hands in the back of his pants trying to find more skin to feel. A moan escaped his lips, as he separated from you, panting.

“You don’t want to do this kitten…” he breathed, a mischievous glow in his eyes, a grin on his lips. You slightly frowned at this “Why?” you exclaimed, your other hand cupping his cheek, he leaned into his warmth, your thumb brushed against his lips, making him close his eyes like he was restraining himself.

“Because I won’t stop, not until I take you and make you fully mine…” he growled, reopening his eyes that were now dark with desire. Your heart skipped a beat at this confession.

“Then take me.” You purred; he didn’t need to hear more and crashed his lips against yours, slightly making your open lip bleed and making you tumble on your back on the bed, he placed himself between your legs, tracing kisses along your jaw, then your neck, his tongue tickling your skin, sucking and nibbling the most sensitive spots. You buried your fingers in his green locks, closing your eyes to enjoy even more the pleasure he was giving you, you’ve always had a very sensitive neck. You could already feel him hard against your leg. Your other traveled to his collarbone under his shirt, his skin was burning hot.  He straightened, throwing his vest on the floor and unbuttoning his shirt, you watched him reveal his torso, he was thin still you could see he was muscular, he had nice biceps… You also took off your undershirt, then your bra, revealing your breast, your nipples hard. He seemed frozen.

“Damn kitten…you’re so gorgeous.” He said hungrily, pushing you back on the mattress, eagerly sucking your nipples sometimes biting them, making you gasp.  Then his kisses went lower until they reach your panties. He kisses you above the fabric, teasing, you can’t help but arch your body for more. Then, with his teeth he grabs top of your panties, slowly making it slide down, you lift your hips to make it easier, he uses his right hand to yank it away. He groans as he grabs your thighs and starts to eat you out, circling around your clit, licking your labia. You’re panting, you want to feel him inside of you, you let out a needy moan.

He chuckles against your soft spot “you like that kitten?” he asks you as he came back to your mouth with a feline grin. You hungrily kiss him while your hand slides down his lower belly, then beneath his pants and underwear, you stroke his cock, gently slowly at first making him longingly moan.

“Fuck…that’s good” he swooned against your lips. He was being so sensitive to your care that it made it difficult for him to do anything, even kiss, your smirked at this.

Finally he couldn’t take it anymore and unzipped his pants to let his erection out. You felt his cock at your wet entrance. Slowly he entered you, you released a shaky breath when you felt him inside of you. His thrusts quickly became more forceful, his forehead against yours, his tongue devouring your mouth. You gripped his shoulders bringing him closer to you, feeling his torso brushing against your breast. He was being so caring and passionate in this moment, making sure you liked it, that he was bringing you pleasure. His thrusts became deeper and quicker making your eyes roll back. You felt yourself coming closer and closer and Joker was too, his groan becoming louder and louder. You cried at out as you came, an electrifying pleasure spreading across your body, he quickly followed you in a long moan. He was out of breath, his whole body shaking, you kissed him one more time as he slowly lied down on your body his head buried in your neck.

“You’ll never have to be alone again…I’ll protect you…” he whispers in your ear as you fell asleep, feeling safe as ever in the arms of the greatest criminal of Gotham.    

[darkestwolfx]

Lost Kingdom - Re-Review #34

“Lesson over.”

And once again, Kayo is seemingly perfect... @tsarinatorment​ and @psychoseal​ is it time for some more rants? I think so. I’m sure Tin-Tin would have been quite capable at holding her own in TOS, and I also think Gordon would be a little better at physical combat. But hey, this is only like forty seconds of the episode, so I will move on.

“I wonder if Kayo’s finally met her match.”

“Guess not.”

Just to say, I was so voting for MAX - seriously, I have faith in this robot. Does no one remember him in ‘Legacy’? I’d have MAX for a guard dog any day.

“I’m detecting structures down there. They seem to be man made.”

“Want me to get Virgil?”

Why, Alan? So he can go in and do some heavy lifting? In fairness, there had to be some kind of reference to him because um... where is he? Anyone want to hazard a guess? 

“The World Council Emergency conference just ended, and the archaeologists agree, it is the lost city of Atlantis.”

“Imagine that. A city reappearing after thousand and thousands of years.”

“If it’s been buried under water for that long... there won’t be much left that’s worth seeing.”

Oh my gosh, I love the story of Atlantis! Literally, other than animal conservation, Ancient/Classical History was one of my favourite topics.

Anyone else love this film? Apparently it’s one of the most loved Disney films, but also most forgotten. Bit of trivia for you as well - it was the only Disney film to have ten proposed DVD covers, all of which were released as promotional posters, but of course only one made it onto the DVD. However, the German and Chinese distributors for the DVD chose to use different posters for the DVD cover (both of which only saw distribution in these countries) whilst the rest of the world copied the British/American choice. Personally, I preferred every other poster to the one they used the DVD, but hey, they didn’t give me a vote.

And, okay, yes, I won’t admit to knowing everything, but I do know a lot about what other people might class as pointless.

Anyhow, back to Thunderbirds;

“I’ve got a feed coming in. You need to see this.”

“This is Francios Lemaire, bringing you lucky viewers, yet another chance to watch me make history! And here we are, on the bridge-”

“Control room.”

“Control room- of my luxury sub, the Jules Verne, from where I’ll be bringing you footage, of the very first human - that’s me - to explore the legendary, lost city of Atlantis!”

Oh look, here we go!

As soon as that music started I just who it was going to be. 

Madeline is perfectly describing my feelings on Francois for this episode in this picture. I think - by the look of the faces we got from Tracy Island - that she describes what the Tracy boys feel as well.

“I order you to leave the area.”

Yeah, Lady Penelope, you tell him.

“Alright, alright, I was only trying to bring a bit of culture to the masses.”

Probably not the right way to do it.

“Your submarine’s in a live sea quake zone, Mr Lemaire, I strongly advise you to leave as fast as you can.”

“What is this? The International Rescue Babysitting Service!”

Um... considering your past record... yes?

Anyone remember the birthday party in the Mariana trench?

“I’m well aware of my location, thank you.”

Um, was he drinking whilst driving? Yeah, that’s a great thing to teach the masses.

“Francois, that’s re... uh.”

“Oh dear. Silly goose. Why didn’t you tell me I was in the wrong gear?”

Probably why you got the wrong gear, mate... Time to call the International Rescue Babysitting Service, d’you think, Lemaire?

So, anyhow, thanks to Lemaire’s stupidity - we have a rescue! And it’s one for Gordon - the water kind of gave that away - and oh look, Virgil (wordlessly) runs across the scene and gets ready to go. Really, where was he?

Still, I think I would have lost my patience with Lemaire by now - and damn ethics, I might have been tempted to ignore him.

“Hello, how much longer do I have to wait?”

“It’s only been half an hour.”

“I’m bored.”

“Patching you through to Thunderbird Two for an update.”

Ha-ha, way to pass Lemaire away from you John!

“We’re coming too!”

I can hardly believe it! It’s Brains, willingly going on a rescue, in person!

“I’ll tell you what’s crazy, Brains. Us chasing Lemaire through an active sea quake zone!”

Why is that man such an idiot? He really didn’t even need IR. Next time definitely just leave him, I vote.

“It’s breathable air.”

“It better be, look!”

And Lemaire’s idiotic streak increases...

So, here we are - apparently. There are many proposed locations for Atlantis (the first map below is Europe, the second is a wider view of the world), with many still in dispute. For a long time, it was believed that Atlantis being near Santorini made sense. In fairness, when I stayed in Crete, I had a lovely tour with some locals who tried to show me all the reasons why Atlantis had been near them. Actually, their argument (especially in their native language without the typical English mis-translations) is quite convincing. Crete does have massively similar architecture to that suggested in the Ancient Greek depictions of Altantis. It was argued that these could have been built at a much later stage, but the stone dates back far enough to suggest not. Whether or not Atlantis did sit near Crete, it is fair to say (especially as both were inhabited by the Greeks) that maybe the Atlantians did have a part of their Empire there.

Later, theories rose that Atlantis had previously filled a gap in the Straits of Gibraltar, and Island separating Spain and Africa, and potentially offering connections between continents. This was initially met with much annoyance by Greeks, who believed that Atlantis (an ancient Greek Empire) couldn’t have sat so far away from their own homelands. But, at the time, it was really only Greek and Italy who had big plays across Europe, and the Atlantians were rumoured to have waged war or conquered a considerable amount of the country in Greek’s name. The Straits also make a lot of sense scientifically and geographically. Although the Greeks believed (at the time and still now) Poseidon to be responsible for the sinking of Atlantis, we know that it had to have been a combination of earthquakes and/or tsunami’s which brought down this great empire, and the Straits of Gibraltar sit directly on a tectonic fault line which has led to a subduction zone (so sea quakes would be of great possibility - so I’m assuming TAG have gone with Gibraltar as a setting here) which has now been active (that we know of) from the 1700s - seems likely to be it was active before too.

You can read more about that here if it is of interest to you: https://www.livescience.com/19656-gibraltar-subduction-zone.html

Of course, many take the belief that Atlantis was a fictional story of Plato’s, whilst other’s take the belief that it was the end of the ‘last great ice age’ which caused the disappearance of Atlantis (due to flooding, sounding familiar?), but Plato’s descriptions, whether believed or not does suggest that Atlantis built connections between Africa and Europe (later working into the Pangea theories) and that the sea delves further than we know;

“In the Atlantic there was an island, larger than Libya and Asia put together, and was the way to other islands, and from these you might pass to the whole of the opposite continent which surrounded the true ocean; for this sea which is within the Straits of Heracles is only a harbour, and the surrounding land may be most truly called a boundless continent. Now in this island of Atlantis there was a great and wonderful empire which had rule over the whole island and several others, and over parts of the continent. She was pre-eminent in courage and military skill, and was the leader of the Hellenes. And when the rest fell off from her, being compelled to stand alone, after having undergone the very extremity of danger, she defeated and triumphed over the invaders, and preserved from slavery those who were not yet subjugated, and generously liberated all the rest of us who dwell within the pillars. But afterwards there occurred violent earthquakes and floods; and in a single day and night of misfortune all your warlike men in a body sank into the earth, and the island of Atlantis in like manner disappeared in the depths of the sea. For which reason the sea in those parts is impassable and impenetrable; and this was caused by the subsidence of the island. ”

Plato’s final passage on Atlantis, as it sits translated from direct Greek (thus ignore any tense errors - they are intended).

Plato’s impenetrable and impassable ocean theory would fit with the territory of high seismic activity too - which does suggest Gibraltar as a decent proposal, especially as Plato seems to know the Straits by another name, but the same land mass.

Okay, I’ve now ranted on about Ancient history enough, I think (although it is another reason why I love this episode), and I honestly do still have such a soft spot for the history of Atlantis. Maybe one day I’ll change careers and become a historian, but for now I’m happy with my mission of trying to limit extinction and global disasters. If anyone wants any more knowledge on Atlantis, just ask and I’ll put it in a separate post - this one is going to be too long otherwise, and is meant to be about something else.

You can definitely see where they took their inspiration from. I seriously adored all the behind the scenes footage for this episode. Go and look at it for yourself, the detail they put into it all makes it worth it.

“Look at those shapes. This was definitely built by Mer-people! Start rolling. I’ll do a piece to camera.”

“You grabbed me, we ran. I don’t have the camera with me. And we shouldn’t be in here!”

“Mr Lemaire, you’re putting yourself and your wife in danger!”

Yeah, I don’t think he really cares Gordon, she’s just his glamorous assistant and biographer after all - wife is actually quite far down the list.

“Would you order MAX to assist Mr Lemaire from the area?”

“That won’t be necessary!”

Scared of a robot, are we now, Lemaire?

See, just saying MAX could have totally taken Kayo. In my opinion.

“We’re trapped and Thunderbird Four is on the other side. Is it still in one piece?”

“I’m picking up full readings.”

Hell, it better be! You only just rebuilt it in the last episode! Goodness, imagine that all over again.

“Hello Gordon.”

“Lady Penelope!”

“Aren’t you lucky that I was around to come and dig you out of trouble.”

“I’m even happy to be rescued by a Lady in a pink submarine if it gets me away from Lemaire.”

So don’t go knocking it Gordon! She could easily turn around, you know. And just say you’re happy to see her, Gordon! Goodness these two could have been together long ago if they weren’t both so stubborn (and Gordon a little silly).

“He is one royal pain in the-”

Language! You’re talking to a Lady (and an audience group consisting of children), Gordon! I think we can all agree with the proposed end of that sentence though. Lemaire is.

“Do not fire a missile at my submarine!”

Yeah... point proven, again, I think.

“Final proof that Mer-people exist!”

Did anyone mention yet that meeting a mermaid is Gordon’s dream? Just because, he doesn’t seem too excited about that prospect here. Brains on the other hand, he can die a happy man now.

“We’re going to rebuild it in the assembly hanger, full scale!”

Nice reference to the selfie-stick in this episode, which was at the time, brand new, of course. I am still bitter that said word has made it into the Oxford Dictionary - seriously, they dropped the level of the game by letting that in.

“Parker loves playing pinball, don’t you Parker?”

“Not when hI’m the ball, M’Lady.”

We’re really learning a lot about Parker’s free time lately - pinball and complaining about the weather... hmm, interesting.

It was a nice way to end - showing everyone going out to the pool - good to see them making use of that thing!

[havecourage-darling]

Million Reasons, Ch. 2: During

                                                                                banner credit: @spiderszman​

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader, Established Relationship Words: ~13k Warnings: Cursing & some graphic injury descriptions A/N: Yeah...this ran away from me a bit. I did warn you all about it. If you want to be added onto the taglist - let me know! Again, ignore any mistakes. This whole story was put together quite hastily so please forgive any obvious errors.

-Additionally, this wasn’t showing up in the tags so I deleted and reposted on my new laptop and it worked? Sorry to those who already liked!-

Chapter One: Before | Masterlist | Ao3

Chapter Two of Three: During

A sharp gust of cold air hit a patch of exposed skin around your neck and you shivered almost violently.

Where was he? You pulled your coat tighter around yourself.

You glanced at your phone for the tenth time in the last five minutes and tapped your foot against the curb.

Having both managed to get off early on a Friday, Peter and you had planned to catch a movie and dinner. You’d missed each other for a few days now, with your conflicting schedules. You always went to sleep without him home and he’d wake up with you already gone for the day. He was supposed to have met you almost two hours ago.

Huffing, you called him again and got his voicemail.

“Peter, if you forgot about me again because of some experiment, I’m going to put Nair in your shampoo.” You looked around and frowned. “If something happened to you, I’m going to kill you. Call me, please.”

You crossed your arms and shifted your weight, deciding to wait a few more minutes. A group of teenagers passed you. The tallest one shook his head and pointed at his phone. “That’s so dope man, look at his moves!”

“He’s cool as hell, I bet you I could do a flip like that!”

The other teenager laughed, shaking his head. Soon, they were gone from your line of sight.

Already knowing, you closed your eyes and sighed. You walked towards the bar next to the theater and peeked in. The wide screen television on top of the bar was set on the news. A shaky cellphone video was playing under the BREAKING NEWS header and a flash of red and blue blurred across the television. There was a good sized crowd huddled under the television, staring up at it in awe. The anchor woman came back into frame and she smiled.

“As always, Spiderman was spotted helping the victims of this heinous crime. The 56th precinct is now on scene providing him with back up.”

Not wanting to linger, you shut the door and started walking towards the subway. Before you could even get lost in your thoughts, a black town car with tinted windows drove up next to where you were standing. The passenger window rolled down and you saw Happy.

“Long time no see,” he greeted.

“Long time,” you agreed. “Who sent you? Tony or Peter?”

Happy winced. “Both. Peter says sorry, got caught up in the thing downtown.”

“Yeah, I saw,” you said, lips pursed.

“He asked me to drive you home. He looked real torn up about it, don’t be mad at the kid. He’s a good apple. Besides, he said he’d bring pizza home but I got you some of the good stuff from fifth anyway.”

Leaning in, you saw a pizza box sitting on the passenger seat. You knew Peter well enough to know he already felt horrible for standing you up. The smell of pizza wafted up and you took a deep breathe.

“Come on, you know you want to.”

You smiled, the annoyance lifting and slowly ebbing away.

Nodding, you slid into the backseat. “Alright, you won me over. The Yankees are on soon, you got somewhere you gotta be?”

“I’m all yours.”

///

The next morning, as usual, you gingerly walked passed a snoring Peter and stuck a post-it on his chest. Bidding Chewie a goodbye, you left for a long shift ahead of you.

Unfortunately, halfway through your shift you’d been called to help a few men that had gotten into a bar fight. The tallest one had managed to drunkenly knock you into the wall - where a shelf hit your bad shoulder just right.

Fortunately, you had enough ice packs to last you a lifetime and were given only easy calls for the remainder of your shift.

You helped load an elderly woman into the bed of the ambulance and assured her that your coworkers would take good care of her. She squeezed your hand before bidding you goodbye.

You closed the doors behind you and knocked on the side window.

The second ambulance had shown up, both of you having been called into the same location and they’d agreed to take the woman. He waved a hand and pulled out of the parking spot.

You looked at your watch and stretched out your sore shoulder. “And that’s a wrap folks, last call of the night,” you grinned. “I cannot wait to get home and sink into my couch. I’ll never leave that spot again.”

Walking passed a crowded area, you stopped in your tracks. “Wait - hold on!” You called out.

“What?” Daria, your partner for the day, asked. “Girl, if it’s someone who looks hurt call in another unit - I’ve been on for longer than I need to be.”

Laughing, you shook your head. “No - look!”

You usually rode with your best friend - both of you having gone through your certification together and everything since. Daria was friendly, but was still new to the crew and you hadn’t had the chance to really speak with her. She was, however, always professional and had one of the best bedside manners you’d ever seen.

“That’s it,” you said excitedly, walking towards the closed restaurant. It’s hours indicated that it should open within the hour. “This is where Peter got our reservations.”

“No shit?” Daria whistled. “This is the place? Looks fancy - figures, we’re on the Upper East Side.”

You grinned and turned to her. “You should see their website, the food looks amazing. I already know what I’m going to order.”

She leaned in over your shoulder to glance at the menu. “Jeez, this place doesn’t even list their prices on the menu. That’s how you know it’s too expensive for me.”

“Courtesy of Tony Stark,” you shrugged, smile still on your face. “I need to send him a thank you card.”

“You need to introduce me to your patron saint Tony Stark is what you need to do,” Daria grinned. “What anniversary is it?”

“Seven years.”

“Damn,” Daria shook her head and stopped walking to shoot you a disbelieving look. “Seven years? That’s unheard of now a days. How do you do it? I can’t even get a second date. Teach me your ways.”

You smiled and felt suddenly bashful. “I don’t...know?”

“Oh, come on!”

“No really,” you laughed and dodged her balled up napkin. “We’re high school sweethearts. I don’t really know what it’s like to not have him there.”

“Romantic,” she said, dryly.

You shrugged again and hopped into the passenger's seat to your ambulance.

“What’s it like then?” Daria pulled out of the lot and stopped at a light. “I’ve never made it passed three years. My high school boyfriend and I broke up because college got too hard - you know, being apart.”

“Peter and I went to different schools too but, it was different then. We were still giddy around each other. I don’t mean to be a cliche but, it feels like he’s my second half. He’s my best friend. I love him and I know he loves me, no matter what. He’s been...my entire world for a long time. It’s hard to describe.”

Daria grinned. “Yeah, I know, I see the way you two look at each other. That boy is definitely in love.”

“It’s not always easy,” you told her. “We don’t agree on most things.”

“I hear that,” Daria shook her head. “This girl I’ve been seeing, she’s very much about veganism and gives me all these talking tos. Don’t get me wrong, I love animals! You’ve met my rescue -  but, I’m from the south baby. You can’t try to lecture me out of a good medium rare steak.”

You laughed and knocked her shoulder. “Daria!”

“What?” She grinned. “Oh, some ribs would be amazing right now. You want to swing by for some? I just got my new car and it still has that smell to it.”

“That’s how I know you’re from Georgia, you bought a car to drive in New York City,” you joked. “Us real New Yorkers know how to slum it on the subway.”

Daria rolled her eyes. “You try commuting from Westchester.”

“I might as well, Queens feels like it’s just as far.”

“So?” Daria expertly pulled into the ambulance bay and waved when a few of your coworkers shouted their greetings. “You up? I think Rob and Aziz are coming along.”

“Thanks but Peter’s picking me up,” you said. “Or at least he should be.”

Daria turned to glance at you and frowned at your expression. “What was that?”

You rolled your eyes as you made your way towards the locker room.

“He stood me up for dinner yesterday,” you explained. “Two hours later, he let me know a work emergency came up.”

“Aw, but if he’s not usually like that...you know better than anyone how some of us can get stuck with a patient. Besides, you two are the most solid couple - that I know anyway.”

Your face must have given off more than you’d like because she shoots you a concerned look. “Unless there’s something else going on?”

Trying to appease her and diffuse the awkward tension you stumbled for an answer.

“It’s just…” How could you explain to her that Spiderman sometimes weighed you down, more than you could handle? That the non-traditional life you’d both liked as teenagers wasn’t so appealing anymore as an adult? Even your own career - you were always getting hurt during your working hours.

You had too many aches for someone who was in their early twenties. Life felt very up in the air now, and while you weren’t looking for a picket fence with two point five kids and a golden retriever...a little stability would be nice.

Closing your locker, you sat down on the bench as you waited for her to finish up.

“It’s just, sometimes it feels like work will always be more important than me, you know? I’m not getting any younger.”

Daria smiled sympathetically. “I get it, but, seven years is a long time to keep something like that bottled up. I say talk to him about it - he may even surprise you. And stop trying to act like you’re old, you’re making me look bad.”

You thought it over as you walked out into the rec room and you nodded. “You’re right-”

“Hey Wonder Woman!” One of your coworkers shouted. You rolled your eyes - you had gotten the nickname after the infamous accident on the BQE.

You lifted your gaze, looking for whoever had called for you.

Finding Aziz in the far right corner, by the vending machines, you smiled.

“I found something that belongs to you,” he said, pointing to Peter who was standing by the entrance with a sheepish smile.

“Hey you,” he said once you got close enough.

“Hey,” you said quietly. “I thought we were going to meet in an hour? Didn’t you have that project?”

Peter shrugged. “I left early, I didn’t want you to have to wait for me.”

“I would’ve waited-”

“-I know, that’s why I didn’t want you to,” he said softly.

Glancing up at him, you found him smiling sadly at you.

“I’m sorry you had to wait for me so long yesterday, I promise, I’ll try my best so that it won’t happen again.”

You snorted. You knew that he’d meant it but, it’s not like he could schedule in when a robbery was going to take place. However, you knew that he genuinely meant it.

Peter tapped a finger on your chin, silently asking you to look at him.

“Are we okay?”

You smiled, not helping yourself.

“Yeah, Spiderman, we’re okay,” you whispered.

Peter beamed and pulled your face towards his.

You spent enough time deepening the kiss that a series of cheering and whistles came from behind you.

“Get a room you two!”

“It’s disgusting how in love you two are.”

“Seriously! You don’t need to rub it into our pathetically single faces!”

You laughed and buried your face into Peter’s chest. He shook with laughter and rose a hand.

“See you later assholes!” You yelled behind you raising a hand.

Loud kissing noises followed and you shook your head.

“Hey,” Peter said, burying his nose into your hair. “I’ve missed you.”

You smiled. “I missed you too.”

///

“Ugh,” you groaned as you lifted the heavy pan onto the stove top.

Work had been particularly hard the past few days - especially considering that you’d jumped at the chance at overtime since Peter had left on another spontaneous Avengers trip.

You lifted your shoulder methodically, rubbing at a particular sore spot and continued cooking.

Tonight was the first night all week that he’d be home for dinner. He’d promised he was going to be free from patrolling for a few nights after he got back – so you could both finally enjoy each other’s company.

While you rarely cooked, because you were one of the laziest people on earth, you were trying to make an effort. You knew how much he loved your chicken marsala so despite your aching shoulder – aching body really – you wanted to make it a good night. You’d even gone so far as to beg an hour early off of work to go across town to get dessert from his favorite bakery.

After a few more hours on your feet, you collapsed onto the couch. Chewie immediately jumped into your lap and purred loudly.

“I’m just going to shut my eyes for a second, just until he gets home,” you said around a yawn.

He meowed, kneading your leg. With the combination of the warmth and Chewie’s constant purring you were asleep within minutes.

You jolted awake at the sound of your neighbor’s door slamming shut, what felt like seconds later, and looked around feeling a little disoriented. Loud purring brought your attention down to Chewie, who was rubbing his head against your stomach.

Scratching his ears, you rubbed one of your eyes and noticed the sun had disappeared. You tapped your phone and your stomach sunk.

10:30PM - two hours passed the time Peter was supposed to be home. A text notification blinked menacingly at you.

Pressing it, you saw a voice note.

“Hey! I’m so, so, so sorry but I’m going to be a little late tonight. Something came up – Tony needed me - you know how it goes. I’ll make it up to you, I promise! Karen says hi! I love you!”

Karen cheerfully greeted you in the background, over the sound of sirens.

You sighed. You weren’t angry, or upset, not really. Just a little...disappointed. You missed him, after the last time he’d stood you up - you’d both taken time off to actively spend together. It seemed, however, like the cycle had started up again. You knew his excuse was valid but-

Meow.

You smiled down at Chewie and scratched under his chin.

“Guess it’s just us Chewie.”

He meowed loudly up at you and you grinned.

Despite your lack of anger, when you heard Peter sneak into the bathroom - groaning in pain a few hours later - you blinked up at the ceiling for a moment. You bit your bottom lip, turned towards the window, and closed your eyes.

You had an early shift tomorrow.

///

“Uber’s here!” Peter called out from the living room.

Cursing, you grabbed a set of boots and struggled to put them on. “I’m coming!”

Stumbling into the hallway, you smoothed your dress down and pulled on a sweater in case the restaurant was cold.

“Pete, does this sweater ruin the outfit?” You asked, pulling on one of the sleeves. When he didn’t answer, you looked up.

Peter was staring at you, that familiar wide eyed look you knew so well.

Smiling, you felt a little flustered - Peter always complimented you but seeing him stumble was just as satisfying.

“You- you look - you look-” Peter stuttered.

“What?” You asked innocently, running a hand down your waist. “This old thing?”

Peter smiled at your teasing and pretended to be deep in thought. “You know, on second thought, who needs to spend an anniversary at some fancy restaurant? I can think of a few different things we could do instead…”

“Oh no, Mister,” you danced away from his wandering hands. “We can do whatever you want after we go to dinner. I’ve wanted to go to this place since it opened and, at this point, I’d go without you to be honest.”

“Hey!” Peter protested as you shrugged on your coat.

“Come on!” You urged, laughingly. “Molten waits for no one!”

///

You sipped your drink while you waited by the bar when you felt something pinch you.

“Peter!” You squeaked as his wandering hand found your butt, for the third time, and you swatted at him. “We are in public behave yourself!”

His huff of laughter was muffled into your neck and he burrowed himself closer to you. “I can’t help it,” he whined. “You knew what you were doing when you wore that dress.”

You laughed and Peter smiled.

“Stark, party of two?” A light voice called out.

Peter lifted his hand and took yours with the other. “Finally.”

You rolled your eyes. “God, you’re impatient. It’s been five minutes.”

He turned around, winked and you rolled your eyes again.

“They’re going to get stuck like that,” he joked.

“Good, then you’ll know how I feel about you all the time.”

Before he could give an answering quip, the hostess sat you both down at a table by the window.

“Your server for this evening will be by shortly.”

“Thank you,” you smiled up at her.

She bustled away and you turned to look at Peter. “This place is so fancy, Jesus, that guy over there is in a suit!”

“I’m in a suit,” Peter said, offended.

“And you look very handsome-” Peter preened, “-but every time I passed by this place and thought, ‘Oh man I wish we could eat there, the reviews are great and the food looks amazing,’ I didn’t think it was this upscale.”

You fought your urge to start chewing on one of your freshly manicured nails. There were so many utensils you didn’t know which one to use. “Is my hair okay?” You asked him, patting down the spots where strays usually went.

Peter laughed lightly and grabbed one of your hands. “Stop worrying, who cares if we stick out? Your hair is fine and you look beautiful. One might even say you look amazefull.”

Beaming, you squeezed his hand and felt a rush of affection for him.

“Good evening, my name is Amber and I’ll be your server for this evening.” A tall slender blonde woman introduced herself, seemingly appearing out of thin air. “I have here that you two are celebrating an anniversary – congratulations! How long have you two been married?”

Peter’s cheeks flushed and mumbled: “Stark.”

You gave his hand a warning squeeze. “Thank you. We’re not married, we’ve been together for seven years as of a week ago.”

Amber apologized and congratulated you both before disappearing to get your drinks.

“Oh, husband, I didn’t know we were here celebrating our marriage.”

“It was Tony!” Peter squeaked.

“Are you sure?” You teased. “Should I be looking in my dessert for a ring? You should just tell me now in case I swallow it whole and accidentally choke on it.”

“I’m not- you’re not- I wouldn’t!” He stumbled over his words, face flushing pink.

You laughed, trying to muffle the noise with your hand and Peter glared at you.

“I’m sorry, it was too easy,” you grinned.

Peter reached out and tangled his hands in yours. “You know, you shouldn’t be so mean to me.”

You flipped through the menu with your free hand and smiled. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re lucky I find that sexy,” Peter said loudly.

This time, you flushed, and glared at him. “Peter!”

He grinned and pretended not to have heard you. Before you could kick him under the table, an older man cleared his throat.

“I don’t mean to be a nosy old man,” he started.

“But you are!” A woman across from him said, she had a wide grin but she shook her head. “I’m sorry, he’s always been like this.”

“My name is Charles and this is my wife Margaret. You two remind me of my wife and I when we were younger,” he smiled kindly. “We were high school sweethearts. I couldn’t help but overhear and just had to say congratulations. We’re celebrating our 55th anniversary.”

Your eyes widened. “Congratulations!”

Peter smiled and leaned in closer. “What’s the secret?”

Charles’ eyes lit up and he shared a knowing look with his wife. “You gotta ask her to marry you before she smarts up and finds someone better!”

Margaret let out a laugh and nudged her husband. “Don’t pressure them, kids nowadays don’t live like we used to.”

Peter’s face flushed red and you laughed, delighted. “It’s no pressure at all. He’s asked actually, twice.”

It was a running joke in your circle of friends. Peter had asked you to marry him at your high school graduation and college graduation. You’d rejected him both times, to Tony’s everlasting amusement, telling him that you were both too young. You knew you were going to marry him one day, you just – Peter had a different idea of love.

Peter had grown up watching his parents and then watching Ben and Aunt May.

You, on the other hand, were the child of a nasty divorce. While you had great relationships with both your parents, you’d learned to become cautious when it came to marriage.

Despite your rejection, both proposals were good memories.

Margaret’s laughter pulled you back into the conversation. “Poor guy, you got him waiting around?” She joked.

Peter, still red-faced, smiled kindly. “I’d wait an eternity for her.”

This time you flushed and you beamed at him.

“Besides, it’s her turn to ask next.”

You laughed, nodded, and took a sip of your drink.

“Aw, he’s a sweetheart. You’re both sweethearts,” Margaret looked pleased. “You two are one of the good ones, I know it.”

“Now who’s being nosy?” Her husband joked.

“Don’t start!”

Amber placed your glasses down onto your table and a few complimentary snacks. You thanked her and quickly started on a few pieces of bread.

Moaning, you closed your eyes. “Even the bread is amazing. Try that sauce, it looks like liquid gold - Peter?”

Peter had a distant look in his eyes, one that was painfully familiar.

“Pete?” You took his hand and squeezed.

He blinked, eyes refocusing on you. His grip on you tightened and his face went serious.

“Code red and blue,” he said quietly.

“Now?” You asked incredulously. “Peter, you can’t be serious.”

He opened his mouth but before he could’ve said anything, a series of muffled popping noises came from beyond the door. Half a second later loud screams echoed from the front of the restaurant.

“You need to trust me. Something’s coming,” Peter said quickly, “I can’t make out what but-”

The unmistakable sound of gunshots boomed and shortly after, the entire front window to the restaurant shattered as a car flew through it. Peter lunged across the table, grabbed you under your arms and flung you both backwards.

Only years of practice had you clinging onto his torso and going pliant in his grip, knowing that it was easier for him to maneuver you that way. You felt him move quickly and he landed behind the counter of the second bar.

“Go!” He yelled at a few frightened employees, hiding. “Go through the kitchens! Take anyone you find with you!”

“Peter,” you patted his chest, looking for any injuries. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, are you-”

“I’m good,” you took deep breaths, trying to steady yourself. “What was that?”

Peter peeked over the counter and you followed suit.

The entire restaurant was in chaos. The people who’d avoided the cars trajectory ran wildly in panic. The majority of people were thrown across the room. The smoke from the crashed car was filling the room quickly.

“I think it’s a robbery but I’m not sure-” he was cut off by a buzzing. He fumbled for his phone and you caught Tony’s picture.

“Hello? Yeah - we’re both okay. I think it’s just a drunk driver- it’s what?” Peter shouted over the noise of the room. “Yeah, I’ve got it. I’m on my way - I’ll meet you at the bank.”

Peter shoved his hands into his pockets, searching for something and coming up with a comms unit. He placed it into your hand and pointed to your ear.

“Put that in - you’ll be able to hear anyone on the line soon enough. It’ll activate when Karen’s online.”

“Wait - Peter, what happened?”

Peter began shrugging off his jacket and huffed. “A group of enhanced ex-CIA have been hitting banks along the east coast. We thought they would skip over New York because of Tony but they hit his bank instead.”

“Ballsy,” you huffed, helping him shed his twisted jacket. “He’s on his way?”

Peter nodded, checking his watch and waiting to activate his suit. “I’m going to get that car out the front so the ambulances can get to the injured. Tony says a few of them have regular agents with them - they’re the ones shooting. Stay safe and do not put your life on the line for someone else.”

You snorted. “I could say the same to you.”

Peter glared at you and went to scramble for the kitchen doors. “I’ll find you when I can. I love you.”

You grabbed Peter’s tie and pulled him towards you, kissing him quickly. “Please, be careful.”

“You too,” he kissed you again and disappeared through the kitchen.

Taking a few deep breaths, you straightened your shoulders. Your training kicked in and you steadied. You kicked your feet against the cornered wall, breaking off your heels and you pulled your hair into a hasty knot.

A loud screeching sound from behind you indicated that Peter had started pulling the crushed car from it’s place. Time to move.

You stood, crouched over and glanced around for any serious injuries first. Your eyes found Charlie. Pushing passed a few panicked people, you maneuvered your way to him.

“Thank God,” Charlie said when he saw you, voice trembling. “Someone pushed her and she can’t get up.”

You saw Margaret sprawled out on the floor, her leg bent an odd angle. “Don’t worry, I’m an

paramedic. I am going to help you the best I can.” You worked quickly, securing her leg and making sure she had no other visible injuries.

“That should hold. She’s in shock Charlie, so I need you to keep this around her.” You wrapped a few tablecloths around her tightly. “First responders should be here within a few minutes, it’s already been five minutes so far and the block has been cleared. She doesn’t look to have any other injuries, keep her talking. I’ll come back to you as soon as I can.”

He nodded, focused expression on his face. “Be careful.”

You glanced around at two women a few feet away. One was holding a napkin to the other’s abdomen and crying loudly.

You straightened your shoulders, let’s get to work.

///

A few minutes, or hours - you had lost any grasp on time that you’d had - a team of first responders rushed into the restaurant.

A woman, one you faintly recognized from a unit in Midtown, grabbed your shoulder. You shook her off and continued to apply pressure to your patient’s shoulder. Listing off your badge number and hospital, you started giving out instructions.

“I got a few GSWs, multiple broken bones but I’ve tied red napkins to those who I think are more serious. You should take those first - the rest are injuries that can wait,” you instructed.

She nodded, relaying the information into her radio. “What about this one?”

“This is Lila, she’s seventeen and going to Yale in the fall. Kinda of a smartypants but I like her.”

The teenager smiled weakly and groaned as the EMT worked to secure a neck brace around her neck.

“She was waiting to be sat when one of the first gunshots hit her. It missed her artery, but it doesn’t have an exit.”

She quickly takes over and you head towards the next critical case to help in anyway you can.

By the time the police close off the street and most of the critical cases were taken out - you were exhausted and your shoulder was killing you.

By some miracle, you managed to not lose your phone or wallet but your keys were somewhere in the remains of the restaurant.

You didn’t realize how much adrenaline you had pumping until you were coming down from it and the familiar impending crash had you slumping.

A lingering EMT glanced at you and wrapped a space blanket around you. A loud voice called out your name and you darted around, looking towards the sound.

Charlie waved and you smiled. Jogging over to them, you saw that the EMT had already hooked her up to a drip, probably administering a pain reliever.

“Thank you dear, you were incredible in there,” Charlie told you, motioning towards the paramedic. “She’s one of you too, she helped set my wife’s leg.”

The guy glanced at you and nodded. “I’ve seen you around - Brooklyn right?”

You nodded and winced when your shoulder was jostled. He straightened and eyed you critically. “You hurt? Have you been looked at?”

You huffed, a puff of air shooting out into the cold air. “I’m fine.”

He hummed disbelievingly. “How about you ride with your friends in the back? Mount Sinai is only a five minute ride.”

Frowning, you were about to reject the offer but Charlie shot you a stern look. “Young lady, you need to be looked at by a doctor.”

Feeling chagrined and mostly exhausted, you nodded. “Alright, alright, I’ll go.”

Charlie beamed and climbed into the back of the truck. You waved off the helping hand and hauled yourself into the back corner.

True to his word, you make it to the hospital in a few minutes. You helped Charlie into the right room and stumbled back out into the medic bay - needing a breath of fresh air.

The cold woke you up and you searched your pockets for your half-shattered phone. A small clear earbud fell out by your feet and you picked it up.

Suddenly you remembered the comms and shoved it into your ear.

It takes a few moments but a cheerful Karen greeted you by name and tuned you into the main line. Announcing you, a surprisingly calm Natasha huffed.

“Where’ve you been? Peter said he gave you comms an hour ago,” Natasha huffed. “We thought you’d been hit.”

“Sorry,” you said, already rushing out towards the main avenue on your left. “I was taken to Mount Sinai, where are you guys?”

“What?” Peter squeaked and grunted right after.

“Not for me,” you said quickly. “Our table-neighbors. I rode with them.”

“We’re five blocks from the restaurant, these idiots have a lot more firepower than we thought,” Tony interrupted. “Go towards your left on Broadway.”

“Who’s on the line?” You veered left.

“Hey kiddo,” Steve’s voice came through, gunshots evident from his side.

“On your left Romanoff!” Bucky yelled.

“You were just waiting until all the heavy lifting was done,” Sam joked. You looked up and could make out a faint outline of wings. You followed his trajectory and could hear more gunshots from your left.

“I’m on a roof a few avenues down from you if you want to join me. I got an extra crossbow,” Clint said.

You laughed, despite the situation and slowly jogged towards Clint. “Thanks but we all know what happened the last time you guys gave me a bow and arrow.”

“I thought the fire feature was off!” Tony said defensively. “How was I supposed to know she was going to destroy half the floor?”

“What can I do?”

“How’s your shoulder?” Natasha asked. “You got anything on you?”

“It’s fine.” You frowned. “Most of my stuff is in whatever’s left of the restaurant.”

“Incoming!” Sam yelled.

You looked up and saw Sam dive towards you. He landed gracefully on your right and huffed, out of breath.

“You good?” You asked, hands already reaching for a nasty gash on his head.

“Yeah,” he leaned into your touch and almost slumped into you. “Just a little tired. It’d be easier if we had Wanda.”

“Where is she?”

“Wakanda with Vision,” Tony answered for you.

“Alright, this is all I got for you - just in case. Stay tight on the ground - one of us will need you at some point.” Sam dropped a small first aid duffel that you knew Clint carried in the quintjet and a few guns.

“I do not need five guns,” you said, pushing all but one back to him. “I’d end up shooting myself in the ass or something.”

Sam laughed but before he could’ve said anything - you were both jolted by Tony’s shout.

“Back up - I need some back up!” Tony wheezed.

Sam winked at you and took off a millisecond later. You glanced around, looking for somewhere that you could stick to without being too close to ground zero.

“You want some company?” You asked Clint.

“Sure, take the entrance on 6th - the elevator will only take you to the 10th floor. You gotta climb out to the roof.”

“Roger that, be there in five,” you said, taking off towards the building where you could now see multiple arrows being shot off from.

Before you could make it to the door, you heard Peter’s voice.

“I think I got a chance, Sam cover me.”

“Wait, Parker!” Tony said.

You glanced up towards the building where they had managed to corner the leader to. You saw Iron Man’s suit zooming towards a blue-skinned, angry figure. Before he could get there, Peter swung into view.  

“Stop! Look at his left-”

You couldn’t make out what was happening from your point of view. Glancing around, you noticed a crowd of people behind a police car, watching a cluster of TVs. You ran towards the them, where all the television units reflected Peter swinging towards the leader. He managed to get a few punches in before he was swiped and thrown off camera. Your stomach clenched and Tony screamed out.

Finally, a bright blue blast of energy shot out and hit it’s target. Peter dropped limply and his pained groan echoed in your ear. The crowd around you gasped and your eyes welled up.

You watched as one of the henchmen grabbed him and flung him aside like a rag doll.

“Peter!” You screamed, voice hoarse.

“Kid!” Tony schotued, his red suit going after the man who’d swiped at Peter. “I got him - Sam - take the others! Anyone have eyes on the Parker?”

Jumping over an NYPD barrier, you dodged an angry police officer.

You faintly heard Natasha yelling: “She’s got clearance, let her go!”

Running as fast as you could towards the direction you last saw Peter, your chest heaved. You heard your name being called through the comms but you ignored them all.

Your heart stopped as you saw Peter lying on the ground, motionless. Your brain, which had been running on a hundred throughout the whole night, seemed to empty the second it saw Peter’s body. You don’t even move to his side until Tony screamed at you through your comms.

“Peter?” You said quietly, your trembling hand going to his face. You tore the mask off and blanched when you saw how pale he was.

“Friday?” You called out.

“Yes Miss,” she responded in your ear.

“Is he - does he have a pulse?” You asked, voice cracking, not able to bring yourself to check.

The beat of silence before Friday answered you was one of the longest moments of your life.

“Yes, his BPM is currently at sixty.”

You slumped over, a sob trapping itself in your throat.

Invigorated, you clamored over him to check him for any obvious critical injuries. Your hand brushed against something wet and you quickly focused towards it. Ignoring the minor injuries, you looked towards his lower waist. Pulling on his suit to get a better look, you gaped at the sight.

Earlier in the week, you’d treated a teenage boy who had managed to break his collarbone. It had snapped and broken through his shoulder. Last week, you and Daria had found that a man had gotten his hand stuck in a garbage disposal. You’d helped Tony with multiple medical cases - to say that you’ve seen your fair share of grotesque injuries was putting it mildly.

But - at the sight of the gaping hole in Peter’s lower abdomen, with chunks of singed skin falling easily, you immediately clamored a few feet away and promptly threw up all the contents in your stomach. You wiped your mouth with the back of your hand a few seconds later and tried to take deep steadying breaths. You opened your eyes and almost screamed at the sight of red streaks on your knees.

You looked around and realized you’d been kneeling in a puddle of Peter’s blood. Your eyes went back to the torn flesh and the sob finally made its way out your throat.

“Peter - Peter oh my God,” your vision darkened, a sign of your blood pressure dropping and you willed yourself to stay conscious.

“F-Friday, what’s his vitals?” You asked, ripping off your sweater and uselessly using it to apply pressure to the wound. Instantly, your sweater was soaked with his blood.

“Blood pressure is dropping, pulse is slowing, death is imminent without further treatment. Transfusion is strongly recommended.”

“He’s losing too much b-blood-” You heard yourself stutter out. “I-I can’t carry him.”

You sat, gaping at him, frozen. You couldn’t lose him - he couldn’t die. He couldn’t. But you couldn’t make your hands move.

Out of all the moments to freeze, you couldn’t understand why it had to be now. But no matter how much you tried to focus, your mind seemed stuck in a state of shock. It was like you had left your body and was watching everything from a different perspective.

Suddenly, Peter’s eyes fluttered open when you pushed a little harder into his wound and he groaned. His glazed eyes looked towards you, not seeing anything. Suddenly your brain whirred to life and you pressed your fingers into his neck, feeling for his slow pulse.

“It’s me,” you said brokenly. “I’m here, I’m trying to h-help – stay still.”

His eyes slipped closed and you felt him go limp.

“Come on, dammit,” you cursed. “He’s losing too much blood Tony...he’s not going to make it if we don’t move him now.”

“I’ve got it!” You heard Natasha scream.

“Go Tony, go!” Steve urged.

Your voice was trembling and your hands tried to keep the wounds compressed but you were starting to lose it again. You knew, logically, that his odds weren’t good. You didn’t know what other injuries he had and you had no way of stopping the bleeding. You glanced down at his limp body and started to cry. You recognized, as any other paramedic would know in a situation like this one, that he was going to die. You could hear your professor’s voice - “Sometimes all you can do is make them comfortable.”

Angrily, you pushed that memory to the back of your head and looked around helplessly for anything that could staunch the bleeding.

Friday’s voice pulled you out of your chaotic panic. “Mr. Stark is two minutes away.”

“Where the hell are you?” You screamed.

“I’m on my way, he had me cornered. I can take him back to the tower.”

“Tony – he’s losing too much blood. It’s – he’s dying,” you choked out, voice hysterical. “He’s going to be dead in a few minutes.”

“Keep it together soldier,” he said sternly. “I can see you now, look up.”

You craned your neck and saw a red dot growing bigger as it flew towards you.

“Fuck.”

Instantly, little nanobots detached from his suit and planted themselves to Peter’s body. “It’ll help with the bleeding until I get to the tower,” he explained.

Tony lifted Peter up as well as he could and glanced at you. “Natasha, Clint and Steve are stuck distracting the entourage. I took out the leader - Bucky or Sam is coming for you. He’s going to be okay, I promise.”

“Tony please,” you croaked.

“I know kid, I know,” Tony’s mask fell back down and he was gone.

You looked down at your trembling blood-stained hands and the puddle of blood you were kneeling in. Your dress was torn, your knees skinned and one of your ankles was starting to swell. But all you could think about was Peter’s cold skin and vacant look.

It’s all your fault. You cried, alone, and covered in Peter’s blood. It’s all your fault.

You don’t know how long you sit there, half-out of your mind, when a warm hand touched your shoulder.

“Come on doll, I got you,” Bucky said quietly. “I got you.”

///

You have close to no recollection to how you arrived at the Stark Tower. One moment, Bucky was picking you up off the street and then you were being ushered off a helicopter and into the medical bay.

Steve plucked you out of Natasha and Bucky’s arms and hugged you tightly. You buried your face into his chest and clung back.

“Wanda’s on her way back,” Steve said. “She’s almost here. Tony went to get May. He’s in surgery with Bruce. It’ll be okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

The next time you managed to come back to consciousness, you were being led out of a waiting area and into a large room. Peter’s bruised and pale body had a intubation tube and so many wires attached to his body that you were dizzy just looking at him. The monitor behind him beeped unobtrusively. You squinted, taking in as much information as you could.

A frowning, dark skinned woman with long braided hair popped up on a screen in front of Tony.

“Move him to the side Tony, what are his vitals? Did you manage to attach the artificial veins in surgery?”

You watched them move around in a flurry – Dr. Banner eventually walked in, offering help to Tony when he started throwing an angry fit.

You, on the other hand, felt like you’d had your heart scooped out and dropped onto the bed next to Peter’s lifeless body. It seemed like the only thing you were able to do was watch his chest rise and fall. You weren’t aware of anything around you. You could faintly hear your blood rushing, your erratic pulse and hitched breath.

How could it have gotten this bad? How could you just stand on the sidelines and watch him do this to himself? Year after year...you were always there to pick up the pieces. You’d never thought about a time that there wouldn’t be anything to put back together.

Most importantly - how could you have saved so many lives that night but failed him?

A voice eventually pierced your fog. “Sweetheart, are you sure you don’t want anything? You haven’t eaten in hours.” You mechanically looked up to see Pepper’s empathetic face.

“Does it get easier?” You asked her, your voice dull. “Seeing them like that? Feeling this useless?”

Her eyes darted to where Tony stood, brows furrowed over one of his charts. Pepper’s pretty face contorted into something sad and remorseful.

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Is it worth it?” You asked, eyes returning back to Peter. “Watching someone you love this much destroy themselves?”

There was a beat of silence and a soft sigh. “Not all the time.”

///

You must have fallen asleep because when you woke up, you found Aunt May sitting across from you. Someone had brought her a chair and she was clutching Peter’s hand tightly.

“Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” she said quietly.

You glanced around and realized you were alone. “May - this...this is all my fault.” You said brokenly. “I found him first and I just sat there...I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Aunt May hugged you with a ferocity you’d never seen. “This is not your fault sweetheart, don’t beat yourself up. You did the best you could and that’s all anyone could ever ask for.”

Despite her warm embrace and comforting words you couldn’t help but watch Peter over her shoulder.

It’s all your fault.

///

The next morning, you’d managed to finally drink something and change out of your bloody clothes. You were coming out the bathroom when you saw Steve and Wanda, sitting on a couch in the waiting area.

“Hey,” your voice was hoarse from all the crying you’d done. “What are you two still doing here?”

“We wanted to be here - in case you needed us,” Steve said.

Wanda stood and outstretched her arms. “Oh, I’m sorry little one,” she said quietly. Steve wrapped his arms around both of you and your throat tightened.

“Is there an update?” Steve asked.

You frowned. “Tony says that he lost too much blood. They had to put him into a medically induced coma to help the brain swelling and now...we need to wait to see if he’ll wake up on his own. Bruce said he’d go back in to help some of the damage to his liver but he needs to give him a few days to recover from the first surgery. They did a skin graft from his leg but everything seems to be holding...we don’t know why he hasn’t woken up yet.”

“Hey, if I know Tony as well as I know I do - I know he won’t rest until Peter’s out of the forest. Don’t lose faith.”

You felt Wanda’s hold on you tighten.

“It’s my fault,” you said, the words tumbling out of your mouth miserably. “I helped half of those people in the restaurant. I helped save their lives and I couldn’t save his.”

“Hey, hey,” Steve tapped your chin. “Not everyone reacts to situations in the same way. A normal civilian wouldn’t have been able to even save those people in the restaurant. You did because you were trained to do so. I was a mess after I thought Bucky had died - it’s not the same when it’s your family.”

You heard him, and knew that there had to be some truth to them, but your brain was stuck in a loop and no one could convince you otherwise.

Instead of answering, you just held tightly onto your two friends, letting them hold you up for a moment.

///

After a few days with no change with his condition - you had to go home to get a change of clothes.

Ned had promised he’d take care of Chewie, but you knew it’d do you both some good if you saw him even if only for a few minutes.

As if on cue, the second you opened the door, you found Chewie trying to climb up your leg.

“Hey boy, I’m sorry I’ve been gone,” you said, bending down to pick him up. He meowed loudly at you, disgruntled almost. You laughed, surprised at yourself.

“Dad got hurt,” you told him and he went quiet. You rubbed his head and tried to keep your tears at bay. “I don’t know if he’s going to be okay but, I gotta be with him until he’s better.”

Chewied meowed and his swishing tail brushed against your arm.

You pulled out a few treats for him and went to grab a few fresh shirts when you tripped, going head first into the wall.

Annoyed, you looked down to see a discarded shirt from a few days ago. You bent down to pick it up and slid down the wall, your mind blank. You brought it to your face and smelled a faint trace of Peter’s cologne.

Tears pooled in your eyes and you bit down on your lip.

Don’t people run out of tears at one point? Why were you a bottomless pool?

Your phone rang, the sound was jilting enough to bring you out of your head. You reached for it and didn’t look at who was calling you.

“Yeah?”

“He’s awake.”

///

“It took a little longer than expected, but his body is showing clear signs of recovery,” Bruce said to you and Aunt May.

“Why did he take so much longer to wake up?” She asked, worrying her lip between her teeth.

Bruce smiled kindly. “His body was just resting, we underestimated the damage done and his body needed to heal before it would allow him to wake up.”

“But he’ll recover? Fully?”

Bruce nodded. “He resisted treatment initially but it’s taking well now. He’s got a long road ahead of him - I’ve already scheduled multiple appointments with great physical therapists that I’ve worked with in the past - but bottom line, he’ll be just fine.”

You let out a small sound at that and Bruce turned to you. His eyes sympathetic and he smiled widely at you.

“He’s okay, he’s absolutely okay.”

Aunt May burst into tears and hugged Bruce tightly.

“Thank you so much, thank you-” she sobbed.

Bruce smiled and led her into Peter’s room, where you could faintly see his outline.

You wanted to give May a few minutes with him to herself but Bruce emerged and beckoned you in. “He’s been asking for you since he opened his eyes.”

Feeling overwhelmingly happy, and guilty, you took small steps into the room.

You didn’t manage to get a word in, with Aunt May speaking a mile a minute, but you were happy to sit at his bedside and just take him in. The others had given you three some privacy but after a while, they’d started to trickle in one by one.  

Once everyone had made their rounds, the three of you ended up alone again. Aunt May yawned widely and you reached over to squeeze her hand.

“I’m fine,” she waved off your worry. “Tony had a nice bed set up for me to take a nap on.”

“Aunt May, why don’t you go home for a little bit?” You asked. “Get a good night’s sleep and we can trade off tomorrow morning?”

Immediately, she protested, flustered and pretending not to yawn again.

Peter, with practiced patience, assured Aunt May that he was okay and that she could go home without worrying that something would happen to him.

She had tried to entice you into coming with her but you’d waved off her offers.

You sat in the rigid chair by Peter’s bed and kept your eyes on his hands. Tony and Bruce had come in after May’s departure to administer his nightly meds.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” you said, your voice audibly shaking.

“Are you okay?”

No.

Your eyes darted up to his and you laughed incredulously. “You’re the one in a hospital bed – you’re the one who almost-” Your voice gave out. You can’t say it – you can’t.

You weren’t naive. This wasn’t the first time he’d gotten hurt, he’d probably seen worse, but this was the first time you’d seen it first hand. This was the first time he’d almost died in your arms because of you inability to help him.

“Hey.” Peter’s hand came up to your chin and he smiled brightly at you. “I’m okay.”

You nodded, still numb.

He’s okay.

///

You were on a roof, the same roof you always found yourself on. It was dark, cold and smoke encased your feet. You felt your pulse racing and your head was throbbing. You looked down and you were drenched in blood. You faintly hear Peter scream out your name.

“Peter!” You yelled out, looking for him. “Peter where are you?”

Smoke billowed around you as you swung wildly. A pained groan came from your left.

“Peter!” You sobbed. He stood at the edge of the roof, a gaping wound on his shoulder. “Peter!”

“Why didn’t you help me?” Peter asked, his voice cracking.

“I’m sorry, I tried...I’m sorry!”

“This is all your fault.”

You ran towards him, your heart beating wildly. You outstretched your hand and Peter gasped.

“Help me! Help me!” He yelled painfully.

“Peter!” You screamed as his body disappeared off the ledge.

“No!” You yelled, trying to reach the edge but never getting any closer. “No! Peter! I’m sorry! Please!”

You heard him scream your name. Again and again and again.

Gasping, you darted up, the covers tangled around you feet. Your chest was heaving and your throat was on fire. You looked around frantically and found Peter at the foot on the bed, his crutches leaning against the foot board. He was watching you, worried.

“I’m sorry,” you said hoarsely. “Was I screaming again?”

“I’ve been trying to wake you up for a while now.” Peter nodded, his eyebrows furrowed. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

You shook your head and released the sheets clutched in your fists. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Same nightmare?” Peter asked eventually.

“Yeah,” you sighed. Your face was wet with tears, your throat rasped from your screaming and your muscles ached from the tension.

“Hey,” Peter said, rubbing a comforting hand across your leg. “It’ll get better.”

“I hope so.”

///

The metallic red and blue banner was obnoxious. You had no doubt that Tony had done it purposefully.

In big block letters it said: Congratulations on your comeback.

“Pepper said it would be inappropriate to have a ‘congrats on not dying’ banner,” Tony told you and Sam.

Sam snorted and took a sip of his whiskey. “Yeah, good call.”

Tony’s name was called and he was whisked away. You could hear Peter laughing with Steve and Natasha a few feet to your left and you couldn’t help but reflexively smile.

“I think that’s the first real smile I’ve seen on you in a few months,” Sam said matter-of-fact.

You glanced up at him and let the smile fade, his dark eyes watching you steadily.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Mmhmm,” he hummed.

Your eyes trailed over to Peter, his curls combed into submission and his eyes bright. He caught your look and smiled his dopey smile at you. You gave him a tight smile in return and turned back to Sam.

“See, that – that’s what you’ve been trying to pass off.” Sam nudged your elbow with his own. “You can tell me, I’m good at keeping secrets.”

It was true. Sam was everyone’s go to person when it came to any heavy emotional turmoil. You and Peter had once agreed that it was his steady and easy air about him. It made you want to trust him.

You motioned towards the windows on the far right and he followed. Turning to lean your back against the railing, you caught Pepper and Tony with their arms around each other. They were laughing at something Rhodey had said.

“I wonder how they do it,” you said to Sam quietly. He followed your gaze and nodded.

“It’s not easy,” he snorted. “Trust me.”

You understood what it was like to love someone enough to look passed their flaws. You’d loved Peter since you were sixteen. You loved him before Spiderman. Shit, you loved him despite Spiderman.

“What do I do Sam?” You asked him, wanting someone to just tell you the right answer. Tell you how to stop having nightmares of Peter’s death. Someone to tell you how to stop reliving that night, over and over again.

He looked at you, really looked, and you closed your eyes.

“I didn’t hear you ask a question,” he said, smile evident in his voice.

You smiled faintly and his warm hand came up to your shoulder.

“Sometimes, you gotta do what’s right for you. Whatever that is,” he sighed and dropped his hand. “If that’s staying where you are, great. If it means changing up the pieces of your board game, then that’s what you have to do. Not everyone was built for this life and that’s okay. Hey, look at me.”

You opened your eyes and saw his sad smile.

“You listening? It’s okay to put yourself first - no matter what.”

Nodding, you cradled the wine glass to your chest and pushed a wide grin onto your face when Peter made his way over to you.

“Nice cane kid,” Sam said, eyeing the obnoxious gold bedazzled cane that Tony had given Peter a few weeks back - once he had graduated out of crutches.

“Thanks!” Peter smiled.

Sam shot you a smile and made his way over to Steve.

“Hey, you okay?” Peter reached out for your hand.

You took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah. You?”

He grinned. “Tony wants to introduce you to someone-”

///

“Our supervisor just left, he keeps screwing us over,” you said, frustrated. You pushed your food around on your plate.

MJ hummed, chewing on her burger slowly. You frowned and picked at the label on your drink.

“He’s never cared about all the slack we have to pick up with him gone.”

“Maybe because you don’t speak up,” MJ said.

You glanced at her and shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s hard to confront people like that.”

She nodded and sipped her water. Your phone vibrated and you turned it over, silencing it. MJ just watched and said nothing.

“What?” You asked defensively.

“Are you going to tell me what’s really wrong or are we just going to keep talking about our jobs like we give a shit about it?” MJ asked nonchalantly, grabbing some of your lunch off your plate.

“I-I don-”

“Don’t say you don’t know what I’m talking about. We haven’t eaten lunch together in months,” MJ said.

“Because you work in Queens! It’s like a two hour commute to get to you!” You said exclaimed.

“I know, that’s why we stopped going back and forth and catch up on the weekends. So clearly something has changed.”

You frowned. “I…” You risked a look at her and immediately looked back down at your plate. “Peter’s done with his physical therapy next Wednesday. He’s been bouncing around the apartment all week about it.”

“Okay?”

“It’s just-” You tapped the table rhythmically. “He wants to start patrolling again soon.”

“Ah,” MJ nodded and pointed, “there it is. You think it’s too soon?”

“Yes!” You exclaimed. “It’s way too soon! I don’t know what he’s thinking - there was a hole in his body and he wants to act like it’s nothing. I-I can’t understand how he’s not worried about it- Tony isn’t either and you know how he follows Tony’s lead.”

“Hey, hey,” MJ’s hand grabbed yours and you realized you were breathing heavily. “It’s okay, deep breaths.”

Your exhale came out stuttered and choppy but you managed to relax your shoulders a little.  

“I think you need to talk to him about how you feel,” MJ said.

“I can’t, it’s ultimately up to him,” you said quietly and lowered your voice. “I haven’t had anything to do with Spider-Man for a long time.”

MJ rolled her eyes. “Yes, but you two are building a life together and you should both make decisions together.”

“I don’t know, sometimes it feels like I’m the only thing that doesn’t fit perfectly into this vision. It’s like I realized how much I haven’t liked it and now it’s too late to say anything. That’s not his fault.”

“Yeah but-”

A loud, sudden, clattering noise came from behind you and you threw yourself against the window.

“Whoa, hey, it’s okay. Someone dropped a bunch of plates, you’re okay,” MJ placed a tentative hand on your shoulder.

You unfurled yourself and glanced behind you. A handful of waiters were picking up the broken ceramic pieces. You looked around you, most people looking unbothered. You closed your eyes and took a few deep breaths.

“Sorry,” you said quietly, feeling small. “The nightmares are really messing with my sleep and the whole thing is becoming a little too much.”

“You don’t need to apologize for anything,” she said fiercely.

You nodded, barely listening, and focused on calming your pounding heart.

Your waiter came over with the bill a few tense moments later. You both leave a few bills and head towards the subway on the corner.

“Can you...not tell Peter? I want to work through it myself before - you know? Make sure of what’s happening.”

MJ shot you a skeptical look and nodded. “Of course and if you need me, you know where to find me.”

You smiled weakly and hugged her tightly. She hooked her chin over your shoulder and sighed.

“You need to help yourself,” she said, tone serious. “And you need to tell him what’s going on. You owe each other after all this time to be honest about the big things.”

“A Manhattan bound express train is one station away.”

Stepping back from her, you felt her hand tighten on your wrist.

“If you don’t talk to Peter, at least promise me that you’re going to consider talking to someone. If the nightmares are affecting you to the point that you can’t function…” she trailed off. “I know what it’s like to have a panic attack, it’s not fun. Promise me you’ll talk to someone.”

You felt odd about therapy but found yourself nodding. “I promise.”

The sound of your train arriving had you waving and rushing down the steps.

///

“That was amazing,” you moaned, rubbing your stomach.

Peter grinned. “Of course it was, I’ve been perfecting my recipe since last month.”

“Well, if I didn’t love you before, I sure as hell love you now,” you joked.

“My dad always did say that mom loved him best when he cooked for her,” he smiled.

You reached over and intertwined your fingers together. Smiling softly, you traced circles into his palm. “Thank you.”

He smiled at you, eyes shining and nodded.

“I’ll wash up, a deal’s a deal.” You transferred Chewie onto his lap and cleared the table.

Peter stretched and stood, following you into the kitchen. “I could help-”

“Hey, the one who cooks doesn’t clean, you know the drill. Just sit over there and look pretty,” you winked.

Peter laughed and rubbed Chewie’s head. “Yes ma’am. Hey, that reminds me-”

“Wait, your phone,” you motioned with a soapy hand to Peter’s phone on the counter. Tony’s face flashed under Iron Man and you shot him a look.

Peter shrugged and pulled himself onto the counter next to you.

“Hello?”

“Parker! Did you leave yet?” You heard Tony shout.

You straightened. An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of your stomach.

Peter’s face broke out into a wide grin. “No, not yet. I was going to tell her right when you called. Yes, I won’t forget. Okay, thanks. See you tomorrow.”

“What was that about?” You asked, forcing your voice to be casual.

“I was just about to tell you,” Peter beamed at you, eyes lighting up. “I’ve been cleared! Tony gave me a new suit and said I could start to ease back into patrolling. It’s been so long and I’m so psyched to get back out there! You know-”

Peter’s voice faded into white noise and all you could see is his body flying through the air. Your heart dropped into your stomach and you froze.

“Hey - you okay?” Peter’s voice pulled you out of your panic.

“Yeah,” you croaked. “So, you’re going tonight? Like...right now?”

Peter nodded. “Yeah, just for a few hours. I’ll be back soon, I don’t want to over do it.” He jumped off the counter and pressed a kiss to your cheek. “I’m going to go get ready.”

Your blood rushed through your ears and you felt a little light-headed. Shutting off the water and leaving the remaining plates in the sink, you dragged yourself towards the kitchen table. You dropped into the seat by the window and tried to get your heart to stop racing.

Stop it, you scolded yourself. You promised you’d always be supportive of Spiderman. You knew what you were getting into. You’re being negative. Nothing is going to happen, he knows what he’s doing.

You continue to try to convince yourself when Peter popped up in the hallway.

“I’ll be back soon okay? Wish me luck!” Peter smiled.

His sincerity broke your heart but you were practically choking on your panic. Nodding, you lifted a hand and waved until he darted down the hall.

“Don’t wait up!” He called out before closing the door.

Breathe, you inhaled deeply, like Sam had taught you. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Identify the trigger and find a solution.

Peter could get hurt.

Peter has patrolled multiple times before with minor injuries, you countered.

Exhaling, you gripped the table so hard your knuckles paled.

Peter could die and you wouldn’t be there to help.

The dark parts inside you laughed. You were there last time and you didn’t help.

Before you could stop them, the intrusive thoughts assaulted you and you started to spiral downward.

It was all your fault. He’s going to die….he’s going to die.

A loud ringing interrupted your spiraling and it took you a moment to realize it wasn’t in your head. You looked around for your phone and saw MJ’s face on your screen. Rejecting the call, you padded into the living room and looked through your missed messages.

MJ is the Best Ever [10:45PM]: Ned told me Peter started up again, you okay?

MJ is the Best Ever [10:51PM]: Hello???

MJ is the Best Ever [10:55PM]: If you’re not answering me that means you didn’t talk to him about it.

MJ is the Best Ever [10:57PM]: Are you alive???

MJ is the Best Ever [10:59PM]:You’re freaking me out

MJ is the Best Ever [11:40PM]:I’ll call Peter if you don’t answer me!

You typed out a quick response, letting her know that you were okay just a little shaken up.

MJ is the Best Ever [11:50PM]: You can’t continue on like this forever - talk to him!

You stared down at your phone and at your trembling hands. MJ was right, you couldn’t go on forever. You didn’t want to get used to his patrolling again just to have another accident happen. You wanted to break the cycle but didn’t know how.

MJ is the Best Ever [10:51PM]: JUST TALK TO HIM.

You huffed and stuck your tongue out at your phone.

Chewie jumped into your lap and looked up at you curiously. You rubbed a hand down his back and sighed.

“Alright Chewie, I’m going to do it. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. He’s my best friend, I know he’ll understand what I’m talking about.” Chewie meowed loudly and you nodded.

“You’re right. I can’t keep this a secret. This is how it started with my parents. They always said that their anger and resentment had built until they’d exploded. I don’t want that to happen with Peter.”

You loved Peter - you loved him more than you’d ever loved anyone and MJ was right. He deserved the truth, you both did.

Deciding that you can’t wait until tomorrow to speak to him, you burrow into the couch and turned the TV on. The intro for Law and Order: SVU filled your living room and you smiled.

Perfect.

///

“Hey, wake up sleepyhead,” Peter’s voice pierced your drowsy fog.

You opened your eyes and squinted at the brightness. You stretched out your sore neck and yawned.

“I fell asleep?” You asked, surprised. You looked up at him, still dressed in his Spiderman suit.

Peter laughed lightly. “Yeah, on the sofa. I tried to pick you up myself but you kept kicking me.”

“Sorry?” You smiled sheepishly.

He smiled and pressed a kiss to your head. “Let’s go to bed.”

“Wait - I need to talk to you about something,” you patted the spot next to you. “Do you mind?”

“Of course not, what’s wrong?”

You winced, loaded question.

“Uh - I - um, well, first how did it go tonight?” You asked, stumbling.

Peter lit up - his entire face came alive and you felt the heaviness in your stomach grow.

“It was amazing,” he beamed. “Finally being back out there, it’s...it’s what makes me happy. It’s what I was meant to do, you know? And I just, can I say something first?”

You nodded, throat tightening. Peter grabbed your hands and encased them in his own.

“I want to thank you for being there for me, for helping me get back to this, to doing what I love. I finally feel like I’m doing something worthwhile.”

Is that what you’d done? Helped him recover from nearly dying to go out into the world to almost die again?

Your chest ached and you nodded faintly. “Of course.”

“Sorry, I took over. What did you want to say?”

You opened your mouth but snapped it shut at the sight of his wide eyes.

I can’t, I can’t do it to him.

“Nothing,” you smiled faintly. “I’m tired, let’s go to bed.”

///

You’d tried to continue on like nothing had happened, like you hadn’t had your epiphany and were maturely ignoring most of your anxiety.  

It worked for a few weeks, you’d managed to learn enough coping mechanisms to distract yourself when he patrolled. You were mildly successful in ignoring the fact that it was like putting a band-aid over a bullet hole.

Unfortunately, like most times, reality smacked you a few weeks later.

A few minutes into your shift on a rainy Friday, your unit was called to a bank robbery. First ones on the scene, you picked up the most critical injury and hauled him into the ambulance. He was young and his eyes had a glazed look to them. You quickly glanced down at his injury and hooked up his oxygen. 

Your hands started shaking at the sight of the blood oozing out of his stomach.

“Please,” he gagged against his mask. “I’m s-sorry, I was just trying to help.”

You left Daria to attend to him and ran towards the driver’s seat. 

A minute into the drive, you heard Daria swear and start chest compressions. 

A few beats later, she called out time of death.

You managed to keep it together until you reached the hospital. You’d angrily pushed passed a nurse and slammed your hand against a wall. Before anyone could reach you, you stormed off towards a supply closet on the fourth floor and broke down.

That was where Daria found you, half an hour later. You were sitting in a corner, red faced and mid-panic attack.

“Oh, babe,” Daria rushed forward and pulled you into her arms.

“I’m s-sorry,” you cried, stumbling over your words. “I didn’t mean to push the nurse.”

“She knows that, I spoke to her. She knows what it’s like to lose someone,” Daria smoothed your hair back. “We can find her after so you can apologize.”

You nodded. “Please.”

“Was it the gunshot?” She asked carefully.

“Yes,” you hiccuped, tears still streaming down your face.

You’d taken one look at his injuries and flashed back to that alleyway, that stupid alleyway.

“We did the best we could,” Daria cupped your face. “You drove as fast you could and as safely as you could. You know this, sometimes there’s nothing we can do.”

You did know, you’d always known that. It was hard losing someone but, that’s why you did what you did. That was the first thing you were taught in school - you can’t save everyone.

Suddenly, in that dusty, dark supply room you realized the truth.

You couldn’t save everyone.

And that had been it, that was your breaking point. MJ was right, something had to give and it finally did. So you dried your face, took calming breaths and leaned on Daria for the rest of your shift. Then you went home, determined in your decision.

You managed to get up to the apartment and halfway packed before you’d started to doubt yourself.

“Sometimes, you gotta do what’s right for you. Whatever that is.”

You sighed and for the tenth time in the last hour, you sat down on the edge of your bed. You’d gotten to your pajama drawer and your favorite t shirt – Peter’s old Mathlete’s shirt – was clutched in your hand. You could honestly hit yourself. You were such a goddamn cliché.

But, cliche or not, you couldn’t do this again. You’d tried to snap back the same way you’d been doing for years but...it wasn’t sticking this time. You couldn’t break the cycle and you couldn’t stay in it. It was a lose-lose situation. Peter was Spiderman and there was no way around that.

Peter was your best friend and you did not want to let your most precious memories of him be tarnished with resentment or bitterness. You refused to become your parents.

So you straightened your shoulders and finally accepted it. The fact that you were leaving because of how much you loved him and you couldn’t stay to watch him crash and burn. You knew you could never ask Peter to choose between you or Spiderman.

Truthfully, you didn’t know what the answer would be and which one would hurt more.

You pulled out your phone.

“‘Ello?” MJ said.

“Hey,” you said quietly. “Can I crash on your couch tonight?”

///

You sat in the living room, rigidly, waiting for Peter to come home. He’d texted you earlier about a mission he needed to go on next week and he’d be home after the briefing.

The sound of the locks made you clam up.

“Hello?” He called out.

“Hey,” you answered softly.

“Hey! Oh my God, I almost had to fight an old lady for the last almond milk in the supermarket. I think everyone’s starting a new trend or something because no one drinks regular milk anymore-”

“Peter?” You called out, trying to interrupt his tirade.

He continued over you. “-I don’t know why you like that stuff anyway. What did you want to eat for dinner? I think I could whip up something. Oh! I saw Ned at lunch and he wanted to know what you wanted to do for your birthday this year-”

“Peter, can you - can you stay still for a second?”

He emerged from the kitchen, brows furrowed at your tone. “Yeah...what’s wrong?”

Your chest tightened and you swallowed around the lump in your throat. “I- this isn’t working. I need a break.”

Peter frowned and you felt like your heart was going to jump out your chest. He nodded and looked pensively. “I didn’t think you’d ever get to that point but, we could definitely get by on my paycheck alone until you decide on what you’d like to do-”

Your stomach sank and you cleared your throat. He stopped and narrowed his eyes.

“A break from work?”

You shook your head, your eyes welling up. “No, Pete, a break from us.”

At that, he froze. His eyes darted across your face, as searching for something.

“Wait, I’m confused. Is this a joke?”

“No, it’s not.” You bit down on your bottom lip and shook your head. “These past few months have been a little too overwhelming for me. I can’t...I don’t think I can continue in our cycle.”

“Cycle? What cycle?” Peter’s voice rose.

“This cycle of you getting hurt Peter,” your tears finally fell. “I can’t go one day - one fucking day- without dreaming of your dead body.”

Peter’s face blanked. “I know you’ve been having nightmares-”

“Nightmares?” You laughed humorlessly. “We’re passed nightmares Peter. Do you understand how traumatizing that was? To see you like that? To accept the fact that I didn’t do anything to help you - that I would’ve taken part in the reason as to why you died?”

“I told you, I don’t blame you for that-”

“But I do!” You shouted, screwing your eyes shut in attempt to stop the flow of tears. “I didn’t do anything - that week you were in a coma? I was in a haze Peter. Steve, Wanda and Natasha led me around like I was an empty shell. I kept thinking, what am I going to do without him? He’s my whole life and he’s lying on a bed half-dead in front of me. How am I going to wake up tomorrow knowing that I’m going to live in a world where Peter Parker is dead?”

Peter closed his eyes. “But I’m fine.”

“I know you are,” you reached out and grabbed his hand. “Peter, I know this is sudden but you have to have known. You know me better than I know myself. You have to have known that something was wrong.”

He raised his eyes towards yours and you knew the answer.

“I knew something was...off, but, I didn’t think it was leading towards this. I thought we’d just talk about it eventually.”

“Eventually?” You huffed.

Peter crossed his arms defensively. “You didn’t exactly bring it up either! We were both ignoring it!”

You rubbed your eyes, frustrated with the turn of the conversation. Chewie meowed from his carrier by the door and Peter glanced at your duffel bag. He made a hurt noise and your stomach dropped again.

“You’re leaving?” He asked, hurt radiating from him. “You’re actually leaving?”

“I have no other choice,” you said, trying to remember your practiced words. “I can’t stay here, I need a moment to breath. I need to recalibrate.”

After a beat of silence, Peter stood up angrily.

“Is it – do you not love me anymore? Is it not enough?” Peter ran a frustrated hand through his mop of curls. “Is it because I’ve been patrolling again? I promise, I’ll come home sooner. I’ll tell Tony that I need to cut back on some shifts for now.”

For now.

You closed your eyes. “Peter, I love you but, I’m not as strong as Pepper. I can’t put myself through this again, and again. Seeing you like that, it almost broke me – it did break me.”

You felt like punching something, anger bubbling and sadness overwhelming you. You sat back down, tears bubbling out of you. Not cute, graceful tears but angry and ugly sobs.

“You said being Spiderman makes you feel whole. I could never ask you to give that up for me,” your stomach churned and you wiped at your face messily. “They’ll be more girls but there’s only one Spiderman.”

“Don’t say that!”

“It’s true,” you forced a smile on your face. “I couldn’t live with myself if I thought you felt trapped by me. What type of relationship is that?”

Peter squeezed your hand, his eyes red and face wet. “But I love you.”

You laughed, surprised. “God, Peter, I love you too.”

“Then why do you need to leave?” He asked, frustrated.

“It’s been almost eight years Peter,” you whispered. “I don’t know what it’s like to live an adult life without you – I need…we need to figure it out, because I can’t stay here with you and watch you die.”

Peter opened his mouth and you shook your head.

“The other guy will always have someone who needs him. It didn’t matter before when you left in the middle of a movie, when you missed anniversaries, when I studied alone or when I didn’t see you for days at a time because you were on a mission.

But…we’re older now Peter. I’m not sixteen with the biggest problem being getting my calculus homework done. I can’t be at home waiting for my whole life. I can’t have a baby on my hip or get to fifty and have the possibility of you being killed hanging over me. I can’t wait for you to die in an alleyway alone. I won’t survive it. ”

“But-”

“Please,” you inhaled deeply and squeezed his hands. “Don’t lie to me and don’t make any promises you can’t keep. We owe each other that. I owe you more than that and that’s why I’m leaving, why I’m taking a step back.

“I hope you can forgive me, one day. I- I love you Peter, please don’t ever doubt that. I just need a little space right now.”

With that, you pressed a kiss to his forehead and walked out the door.

@nataliebartell @dangerousluv1

If you want to be tagged, let me know! 

[maximelebled]

2017

Howdy! Time for the yearly blog post! There's enough depressing stuff that happened this year, so I want to try and not focus too much on that; talk more about the positive and the personal. (I am looking back on this opening paragraph after writing everything else, and I don’t think that ended up true.)

I find it increasingly harder to just straight up talk about things, especially in a direct manner. I think it comes from continuing to realize that so many things are extremely subjective and everything has so much nuance to it that I feel really uncomfortable saying a straight "yes" or a straight "no" to a lot of questions ("Nazis are bad" is not one, though). Or even just a straight answer.

I always end up wanting to go into tangents, and I inevitably run into not being able to phrase that nuance. You know that feeling, when you know something, you have the thought in your head; it is so clear, right there in your head, it is crystal-clear to your soul, yet you have no idea how to word it, let alone doing so in 140/280/500 characters. Frustrating!

I guess I could just put a big disclaimer here, "I am not a paragon of absolute truth and don't start interpreting my words as 'Max thinks he is the authority on XYZ' because you'd be quite foolish to do so"; but that doesn't help that much. Online discourse, let alone presence, can be so tiresome these days; not to be too Captain Obvious, but, there are quite a lot of people that delight in engaging those they see as their "opponents" in bad faith.

As a white man, I don't have it that bad, but still, I'll continue to tell you one thing: the block button is extremely good and you should feel no shame in using it. It drastically improves your online experience. (There are some very clear signs that make me instantly slam the button. I’m sure you know which ones too.)

Anyway, regardless, it's hard to get rid of a habit, especially one you've unwillingly taken on yourself, so I apologize in advance for constantly writing all those "most likely", "probably", "maybe" words, and writing in a style that can come off as annoyingly hesitant sometimes.

I started watching Star Trek this year. My Netflix history tells me: January 29th for TOS/TAS, March 26th for TNG, June 3rd for DS9, November 9th for Voyager.

TOS was really interesting to watch. A lot of things stood out: the (relative) minimalism of the sets and the directing was reminiscent of theater, and even though that was, generally speaking, because that's how TV shows used to be made, it was still striking. From a historical perspective, "fascinating" would still be an ill-suited word to describe it. Seeing that this is where a lot of sci-fi concepts came from, suddenly understanding all the references and nods made everywhere else... it was also soothing to watch a show about mankind having finally united, having exploration and discovery as its sole goal. I feel like it wouldn't have made as big of an impact on me, had I watched it a year prior.

I've always thought of myself as rejecting cynicism, abhorring it, but it's harder and harder to hold on to that as time goes on. I still want to believe in the inner good of mankind, of people in general, but man, it's hard sometimes. I think what really gnaws at me most of the time is how so many of the little bits of good that we can, and are doing, individually, and which do add up... can get struck down or "wasted away" so quickly. The two examples that I have in mind: Bitcoin, this gigantic mess, the least efficient system ever designed by mankind, has already nullified a decade's worth of power savings from the European Union's regulations on energy-efficient light bulbs. And then there's stuff like big prominent YouTubers being, to stay polite, huge irresponsible fools despite the responsibility they have in front of a massive audience of very young people. It can be really depressing to think about the sheer scale of this kind of stuff.

What we can all do on an individual level still matters, of course! I try my best not to use my car, to buy local, reduce my use of plastic, optimize my power usage, etc.; speaking of that, I've often thought about making a small website about teaching the gamer demographic in general quick easy ways to save energy. There is so much misinformation out there, gamers who disable all the power-saving features of their hardware just to get 2 more frames per second in their games, people who overclock so much that they consume 60% more power for 10% more performance, the list goes on. Maybe I'll get around to it some day.

All this stuff going on makes it hard to want to project yourself far ahead in the future. Why plan ahead your retirement in 40 years when it feels like there's a significant chance the world will go to shit by then? It's grim... but it definitely makes me understand the saying "live like there's no tomorrow". Not that I'm gonna become an irresponsible person who burns all their savings on stupid stuff, but for the time being... I don't feel like betting on a better tomorrow, so I might as well save a little bit less for the far future and have a nicer present. You know the stories of American workers who got scammed out of their own 401k? That's, in essence, the kind of stuff I wish to avoid. If that makes sense.

Anyway, going off that long depressing tangent: something I liked a lot across The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager, was how consistent they were. The style of directing, framing, camera movement, etc. was always very similar. Now, you can argue that's just how 80s and 90s TV shows on a budget, a 4:3 aspect ratio, and smaller SD screens worked, yes, but I do believe there is a special consistency that stuck out to me. I jumped into the newest series, Discovery, right after finishing Voyager (I don't plan on watching Enterprise) and the first two episodes were confusing to watch... shaky cam, a lot of traveling shots, shallow depth-of-field, and the tendency to put two characters at the extreme left and right of the frame.It’s a hell of a leap forwards in directing trends. It all gets better after the first two episodes, though.

I remember alluding to the King of Pain project in my last yearly post. I'm glad I managed to finally do it. I'd talk about it here, but why do it when I've made 70 minutes of video about it? (And unlike my previous behind-the-scenes videos, it's a lot more condensed, and hopefully entertaining.) Unfortunately for me, I completed the video in late June, with only a month left to the TI7 Short Film Contest deadline. So I ended up making two videos back-to-back. I had to buy a new laptop in order to finish the video during my yearly pilgrimage to Seattle. It was intense! And thankfully, I managed to pull off the Hat Trick: winning the contest three years in a row. I would like to think it's a pretty good achievement, but you know how us artists are in general; as soon as we achieve something, we start thinking "eh, it wasn't that good anyway" and we raise our bar higher still.

While I do intend to participate in the contest again next year, I know I'll most likely do something more personal, that would probably be less of a safe bet, now that the pressure of winning 3 in a row is gone. I already have a few ideas lined up...

... and I do have a very interesting project going on right now! If it goes through and I don't miserably land flat on my face (which, unfortunately, has a non-zero chance of happening), you'll see it in about a month from now.

I'm pretty happy to have reached a million views on all three of my shorts; a million and a half on the TI7 one, too... it might reach two million within six months if it keeps getting views at the current rate. It surprises me a bit that this might end up being my first "big" video, one that keeps getting put on people's sidebar by the all-mighty YouTube™ Algorithm™. There's often a disconnect between what you consider to be your best work, and what ends up being the most popular.

This reminds me that, a lot of the time, I get people who ask me if I'm a streamer or a "YouTuber". My usual answer is that I'm on YouTube, but I'm not a "YouTuber". I wholeheartedly reject that subculture, the cult of personalities, the attempts at parasocial relationships, and all that stuff. It's just not for me. Now, that said, I do hope to achieve 100k subscribers one day... I'm getting closer and closer every day! The little silver trophy for bragging rights would be neat.

My office was renovated by my dad while I was gone. It's much nicer now, and I finally have a place to put most of my Dota memorabilia. He actually sent me this picture I didn't know he'd taken, behind my back, in 2014; the difference is striking... (I think that game I'm playing is Dragon Age: Inquisition.)

Tinnitus. I first noticed my tinnitus when I was 20. I vividly remember the "hold on a second" moment I had in bed... man, if I'd known back then how worse it'd get. Then again, the game was rigged from the start; as a kid, I had frequent ear infections because my canals are weird and small. What didn't help either was the itching; back then, they thought it was mycosis... and treatment for that didn't help at all. Turns out it was psoriasis! Which I also started getting on my right arm that year. (It's eczema, it's itchy, it's chronic, and the treatment steroid cream. Or steroids.) Both conditions got worse since then, too.

Tinnitus becomes truly horrible when you start the doubt the noises you're hearing. When all you have is the impossible-to-describe high-pitched whine, things are, relatively speaking, fine. You know what the noise is, and you learn, you know not to focus on it. But with my tinnitus evolving, new "frequencies", I have, on occasion, started doubting whether I was hearing an actual noise or if it was just my inner ear and brain working in concert to make it up. So I end up thinking about it, actively, and that makes it come back. I had a truly awful week when, during an inner ear infection, the noise got so shrill, so overwhelming, I lost so much sleep over it. I couldn't tune it out anymore. It was like it was at the center of my head and not in my ears anymore. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm not even sure that I'm in the clear yet regarding that. But, like I said, it's best if I don't dwell on it. Thinking of the noise is no bueno.

Really, the human body is bullshit. Here's another example. A couple months ago, I managed to bite the inside of my mouth three separate times. I hate when it happens, not because of the immediate pain, but because I already dread the mouth ulcer / canker sore (not sure which is the appropriate medical translation; the French word is "apthe"). Well, guess what: none of these three incidents had the bite degenerate into an ulcer... but one appeared out of nowhere, in a different spot, two weeks later. And while mouthwash works in the moment, it feels like it never actually helps... it's like I have to wait for my body to realize, after at least ten days, oh yeah, you know what, maybe I should take care of this wound in my mouth over here. And it always waits until it gets quite big. There's no way to nip these goddamn things in the bud when they're just starting.

But really, I feel like I shouldn't really complain? All in all, it could be much worse, so so so much worse. I could have Crohn's disease. I could have cancer. I could have some other horrible rare disease. Localized psoriasis and tinnitus isn't that bad, as far as the life lottery goes. As far as I'm aware, there's nothing hereditary in my family, besides the psoriasis, and the male pattern baldness. I wonder how I'll deal with that one ten, fifteen years down the line...

Just as I'm finishing writing this, the Meltdown & Spectre security flaws have been revealed... spooky stuff, and it makes me glad I still haven't upgraded my desktop PC after five years. I've been meaning to do it because my i7 4770 (non-K) has started being a bit of a bottleneck, that and my motherboard has been a bit defective the whole time (only two RAM slots working). But thankfully I didn't go for it! I guess I will once they fix the fundamental architectural flaws.

The Y2K bug was 18 years late after all.

Here's a non-exhaustive list (because I’m trying to skip most of the very obvious stuff, but also because I forget stuff) of media I enjoyed this year:

Series & movies:

Star Trek (see above)

Travelers

The Expanse

Predestination (2014)

ARQ

Swiss Army Man

Video games:

Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice

Horizon: Zero Dawn

What remains of Edith Finch

Uncharted: Lost Legacy

Wolfenstein II

Super Mario Odyssey

Metroid: Samus Returns

OneShot

Prey

Music:

Cheetah EP by James Hunter USA

VESPERS by Thomas Ferkol

Some older stuff from Demis Roussos and Boney M.... and, I'll admit reluctantly, still the same stuff: Solar Fields, the CBS/Sony Sound Image Series, Himiko Kikuchi, jazz fusion, etc. I'm still just as big a sucker for songs that ooze with atmosphere. (I've been meaning to write some sort of essay on Solar Fields... it's there, floating in my head... but it's that thing I wrote earlier: you know the idea, intimately, but you're not sure how to put it into words. Maybe one day!)

I think that's about it this year. I hope to write about 2018 in better terms!

See you next year.