#so I'm holding myself accountable

[redroom-rainbowguts]

Hehehehe character ref time

[thebibliosphere]

Okay, I am attempting to be upright in the kitchen so I can practice something for my niece's birthday. Wish me luck.

[baronessblixen]

I had an idea for a ficlet yesterday, but didn't get around to writing it. Today it's like, why bother? Who even cares? And I need to remind myself that *I* care. I was so excited about it, even if it's just a silly ficlet.

Always write the thing, even if only for yourself.

[theminecraftbee]

every time i exit like, an exchange writing period, and i no longer have a deadline, i start to become dizzy with "i should be writing right now--no writing??? i do NOT need to be writing right now??? cannot be right?????? writing??????"

anyway i've decided to use a poll to make you all into people who can create a deadline for me (and also i've started using habitica and want to try to write a LITTLE daily). there's no guarantee this is the one i'll actually go with given i've asked this like SIX TIMES in the past few months but this time it is a poll and also this time i'm trying to start writing daily again, so maybe this time it'll stick, idk??? so:

[dreamlifebunny]

kill yourself

This is so funny to me because I had my anons off for several months due to personal life issues and needing to catch up on other asks, then today I thought "You know what, I'm gonna open them up and start answering questions again!" and THIS was the first message I received without even announcing my asks were open lmaoo 😭😭😭

Anon I am happy to talk about why you sent this over DMs if you'd like! I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, let me know if you want to talk more about this privately. I don't know what I did to upset you but sending d3ath threats is not the way to get someone to change their behaviour. It's also a criminal offence to encourage someone to hurt themselves; please keep this in mind and consider not doing this in the future.

[2aceofspades]

Just wanted to quickly pop on here and say that I will be working away at those ask-prompt submissions, perhaps slowly but surely. I really really appreciate the submissions though, but I'll definitely need some time to tackle all of them. There may have been a few more than I was initially expecting hehe 😅 all good tho!/gen 🤗✨ I've been in a bit of a funk in terms of drawing turtle stuffs, so I definitely don't mind the challenge 🙌🌟

I'm planning to do something similar to the ✨first one✨ that I did, so I'm pacing myself a little. This is all for fun and I'm doing my best to not stress or worry too much about time. I usually am a little reluctant to do drawing prompts through asks for certain reasons, but I'm making an exception this time around. That being said, prepare yourselves for some sporadic angst and comfort art...~soon-ish~

(:

[thegingerwrites]

Obi-dience - An Obikin, Ella Enchanted AU set in the GFFA

Inspired by a typo I almost made yesterday and what I think is a pretty good pun

Obi-Wan Kenobi is the perfect Jedi. A skilled warrior, an expert negotiator, and a good friend, it has always been clear that Obi-Wan has a gift. People often remark that no matter what is asked of him, Obi-Wan Kenobi can deliver.

That is his gift: whatever anyone tells Obi-Wan to do, he does. The gift of obedience.

Before Obi-Wan ever came to the Temple, fate or the Force or some Stewjonian witchcraft, blessed Obi-Wan with the ability and the compulsion to do whatever he is told. The perfect child, the perfect padawan, the perfect Jedi. He is whatever anyone asks him to be.

From the moment Obi-Wan becomes aware of his dubious gift, he finds ways to work around it. When the other younglings come up with ridiculous dares or tell him to hand over his slice of Shuura cake from the refectory, he has no choice but to comply. Instead, he rebels in other ways. He shows them up in his classes, he stages pranks as a kind of revenge, and he never, ever lets anyone know about his secret gift. He learns that compliance can be a malicious thing and that there can be a vast difference between what someone says and what they mean.

After shoving a slice of cake in someone's face, attempting to climb the tallest tree in the greenhouses, and interrupting a lesson by Master Nu with an impassioned recital of the Jedi Code at the top of his lungs before refusing to say another word, Obi-Wan is sent to Master Yoda, fearing for his future with the Jedi Order. He assumes that Master Yoda is going to send him away, to the Agricorps or some kind of orphanage for wayward almost-Jedi. Clearly, he is more trouble than he is worth.

But Master Yoda is more perceptive than that. He senses that the Force moves strangely around Obi-Wan and gets Obi-Wan to describe what it feels like when someone tells him to do something. What it is like to be helpless sometimes against the need to do what he is told.

Yoda doesn't tell Obi-Wan to leave the Order. One way or the other, that decision will be made for him, when a Master comes forward to take him on as a padawan or doesn't.

What he does say still manages to change Obi-Wan's life forever.

"A great and terrible gift this is, young one. Know that already, you do. Difficult, your life will be, because of it and harder, you should not make it.

'A secret, your obedience must be. Tell no one of your gift, lest they use it against you."

Obi-Wan blinks, eyes wide. His mouth hangs open for only a moment before the words come out, "Yes, Master."

From then on, Obi-Wan tries his best to keep his head down. He wants to become a padawan, dreams of one day being a Jedi Knight, and so he tries his best in his classes, learns to turn the other cheek when others attempt to rile him. He becomes kind and thoughtful, and surrounds himself with a few good and trusted friends, who, while playful and rambunctious, would never try to order him around.

His efforts pay off when Qui-Gon decides to take him as his padawan.

It takes Qui-Gon a long time to learn what makes Obi-Wan different from other padawans. This is mainly because Obi-Wan Kenobi is already so different from himself and so different from the boy Qui-Gon heard tales about from the crechemasters when Obi-Wan was in their care. He is quiet, though curious, and rule-following to a fault. Where is the rebellious boy that was nearly kicked out of the Temple for attempting to leap into the Serenity Pond at the center of the Room of a Thousand Fountains with all of his clothes still on?

This boy does what he is told and he never talks back, even when Qui-Gon desperately wants him to. After a few years, Qui-Gon resigns himself to the idea that the Council must see him as too much of a maverick even now and that when Yoda recommended Obi-Wan to him as a padawan, citing their similarities, it was an attempt to reign him in. The equivalent of pairing the talkative kid in class with the quiet one, in the hopes that some of the latter's goodness might rub off on the former.

That is, until Melida/Daan. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are sent to rescue Master Tahl and become entangled in the conflict there. The role of the Jedi is to negotiate peace and until the Melida and the Daan are ready to do so, there is no place for the Jedi among them. Qui-Gon tells Obi-Wan it is time to leave and for once, Qui-Gon sees a fight on his young padawan's face.

His feet move toward the waiting ship's ramp in halting, laborious steps while his hands fist at his sides and his face tightens into a grimace. Obi-Wan reaches out for the nearest thing available to him, a crate of supplies in the hangar bay, and grabs on tight, even as the rest of his body tries to pull him towards the ship.

"No, Master. I can't!" Obi-Wan grunts as he loses his grip on the crate and flails for something else. "I can help them, I know I can. Please let me stay."

Qui-Gon watches in horror as Obi-Wan's body eventually wins out and he stands next to him on the ramp, clutching one of the pistons for balance. Whatever power held sway over Obi-Wan for those few fraught moments is gone as quickly as it arrived, leaving him red-faced and breathless in its absence.

He leaves Obi-Wan on Melida/Daan and puzzles over that scene at the ship's ramp long after the fight is over and Obi-Wan returns to the Order. He never quite manages to discover the secret of Obi-Wan's gift, but he is certain to never give him another order he cannot refuse ever again.

Even at the end of his life, when he has been cut down by Darth Maul and Obi-Wan has him cradled in his arms, Qui-Gon is sure to phrase his last wishes just so.

"He is the Chosen One, Obi-Wan. Will you train him?"

"I will, Master."

Training Anakin doesn't feel like a choice, at least not at first. Obi-Wan fights the Council for the right to train him, pushes past his own misgivings and sets aside his grief, not because he really believes in the prophecy in the way Qui-Gon did but because it was the last thing his Master ever asked of him.

At night, Obi-Wan wishes that Qui-Gon had ordered him to train Anakin, wishes that he knew how to do this one thing right. He silently begs the Force: if his obedience was ever good for anything, let it help him in this.

And yet, training Anakin is a choice, one he makes every single day. Harder at the start and then easier once he actually gets to know the boy. Anakin is stubborn and willful, scarred by his time as a slave in ways Obi-Wan will never fully understand. He doesn't make demands of Obi-Wan. He doesn't make demands of anyone. He is a kindhearted and curious boy who deeply misses his mother and has latched onto Obi-Wan like the last life-preserver on a sinking ship. It takes time for him to grow comfortable at the Temple, for him to trust that all that he loves will not be taken away from him a second time, and for him to grow into a teenager more secure in his place in the world.

The first time Anakin enacts Obi-Wan's gift against him, he is fifteen and they have been arguing. He has been sneaking out at night, fighting with one of the other padawan's, and is falling behind in his galactic history coursework. The bright and friendly young boy Obi-Wan met years ago has become sullen and moody, no more so than many other teenagers but something of an anomaly within the Temple.

Anakin stalks off to his room, slamming the automatic door behind him as best he can, and shouts at Obi-Wan through it to leave him alone.

It takes Obi-Wan a full day to realize what Anakin has done. He makes himself scarce in their rooms before Anakin wakes the next morning. He avoids meeting him in the refectory and after lessons. It is only when he cannot force himself to return to their apartments at the end of the day that he seeks out Master Yoda and begs him to contradict Anakin's order. He can't let Anakin think that Obi-Wan is so upset with him as to actually leave.

Master Yoda negates the command but before he lets Obi-Wan return to his quarters, he cautions him against allowing himself to become too attached to the boy.

This is where I think there is a lot of room to play around with this idea and probably where an actual story would take place with the rest as background.

While the premise of the fic isn’t doesn’t necessarily have to lead to obikin, that’s simply the lens through which I view the world so it does.

One night, when Anakin is still a padawan, he returns back to their quarters late after a night out where Obi-Wan is still awake and waiting for him. He stumbles into the room, brushing aside Obi-Wan’s concern, before landing on their couch instead of in his bedroom. He is drunk, clearly, but not so far gone as to be unwell. His limbs are loose and his smile is easy and he relents eagerly when Obi-Wan kneels down to pull of his boots in order to keep them off of the furniture. His eyes go wide and his smile falls as he sees Obi-Wan down there, his mouth forming a confused little ‘oh’.

Before Obi-Wan can ask what is wrong, Anakin says, “kiss me,” and Obi-Wan does. He presses up from his knees, leans over Anakin and kisses him.

It is a soft, quiet kiss on the lips. Neither of them moving beyond simple pressure. To Obi-Wan’s later shock and horror, the kiss feels good, feels right. Perhaps his mind reaches out to Anakin’s through the Force and borrows some of his alcohol-induced ease because his mind goes blank for the few brief seconds that their lips are connected, wholly at peace.

And then reality sets in and Obi-Wan pulls back sharply.

He steps back, nearly tripping over the low table in their sitting area, his hand barely grazes the skin of his lips.

“Never ask that of me again,” he tells Anakin.

And Anakin, not so far gone as to mishear the grief and heartbreak in his Master’s voice, never does.

As an adult, Obi-Wan's gift comes into play less. Few people really go around giving people orders. Obi-Wan becomes very good at stopping them before they start, redirecting people to other topics, and avoiding those who are prone to giving them.

Still, he doesn't expect Dooku to tell him to join him on Geonosis. (I think there's a really cool option where Obi-Wan goes with him or at least spends the early part of the war hearing him out) Anakin steps in almost immediately without realizing it, shouting 'no' which counteract the command.

The war itself doesn't pose as much of a problem as Obi-Wan and Yoda worry at the outset. Obi-Wan is the one giving the orders rather than receiving them and thankfully the droids' feeble commands to surrender have no effect on him.

His gift does still manage to get him into trouble on occasion. His banter with Ventress is especially charged as he parries her blades and her words. Anakin takes to leadership well, so well that on occasion he slips and manages to give Obi-Wan orders as well as his men. It doesn’t happen often, while Anakin has grown by leaps and bounds into a commander, a brother in arms, he still knows his place. Obi-Wan will always be his former master, a member of the council, and his superior. Still, when Anakin concocts a plan at a moment’s notice and tells Obi-Wan, “cover me,” before an oncoming barrage of battle droids or shouts “stay here” before running off into danger, Obi-Wan is forced to obey. It only leads to him getting shot at a handful of times.

No one but Master Yoda is aware of Obi-Wan’s secret. While Obi-Wan’s behavior is strange at times, defying explanation, no one questions it too much. He has always been this way. It would be stranger if these near misses and fits of willfulness didn’t happen to him even in the midst of a war.

When the Council asks him to go undercover as Rako Hardeen—asks not commands—Obi-Wan has reservations. Perhaps not the kind of reservations Anakin would like him to have, about the cruelty of faking his death and the convoluted nature of the plan, but about his own ability to carry out this mission and pretend to be Hardeen.

“Surely, my condition puts the entire operation in jeopardy,” he tells Master Yoda in private. “One ill-timed command and all is lost.”

“A strong and powerful Jedi you have become, young Obi-Wan, despite the difficulties your gift affords you. Quick and discerning, it has made you. Capable, you are. Trust that you can complete this mission, I do.”

Which is all Obi-Wan needs to hear before he accepts.

The reason I can’t write a fic for this yet (aside from all of the other fics I’m currently wrestling with) is because I’m not sure how I want it to end. On the one hand, I think following canon pretty closely through RotS could be very cool and angsty, leading to Obi-Wan and Anakin’s confrontation on Mustafar. Obi-Wan has to fight against both his feelings for Anakin and his gift when Anakin tells him to join him. By winning their duel, Obi-Wan breaks free from his curse at a terrible cost.

On the other hand, I also really like the idea of Palpatine finding out about Obi-Wan’s gift somehow and using it to manipulate him. He sends Obi-Wan to the Jedi Temple to commit Operation Knightfall in Anakin’s stead and actually manages to cut down a few Temple guards before crossing paths with Anakin. Palpatine ordered Obi-Wan to go to the Temple and slaughter any Jedi he met and though he does cross blades with Anakin in the halls of the Jedi Temple, he cannot bring himself to kill Anakin. He fights back against his curse and wins, leaving him and the rest of the galaxy free.

[johnslittlespoon]

okay last snippet because i think/hope i'll finish up the chapter tonight <3 it's the longest one yet so idk if i'll finish editing in time to post it tonight too but if not, surely tomorrow :')

[softsidekick]

god herself compelled me to watch the first 40 episodes of skibidi toilet and i literally couldn't rest before i voiced my thoughts

gen alpha meme made me do my first piece of written media analysis since i graduated uni eight years ago

i am unwell

skibidi toilets seem to be perceived and treated as an invasive species by the narrative but they are not outright hostile - so why are the camera heads so aggressive from the get go? are we perhaps entering the conflict in the middle as spectators and the growing frustration of the camera heads/humans is just reaching a tipping point?

camera heads resemble humans in their anatomy at least from the outside (apart from having a camera for the head) so do they shit? do they use toilets? if so, maybe the conflict is actually over a scarce resource (toilets)?

the rising aggression is first instigated by the camera heads who deal with skibidi toilets by flushing them down, which seems to be as close to death as the skibidi toilets get (based on their aggressive retaliation)

camera heads later associated with tears for fears' evergreen hit "everybody wants to rule the world" and it is pointedly the original version and not for example the lorde cover that was featured in the hunger games part 2 - catching fire

this is an important fact because the song came out in 1980s and is thusly more clearly associated with elder millenials/gen xs and since the gen alpha are associated with skibidi toilet, juxtaposing these two songs as battling forces paints an interesting picture about generational tension

do skibidi toilets die when they are being flushed? there should be so many empty toilets in the streets but that's not the case -- so are skibidi toilets immortal or do the original hosts die in order for a new skibidi to take over that specific porcelain bowl

skibidi toilets are free moving, sometimes flying, so they're not tetherd to a plumbing network like a normal toilet. this rises the question where do the skibidis go when flushed? this supports the theory that skibidis don't actually die when flushed, but come back up after an unspecified amount of time and are hence immortal (however, the feeling of being flushed must be bad because they react so negatively to it -- or maybe it's a cultural faux pas?)

[ichorblossoms]

reminders for myself every time i open up the honeybee writing document

[aflockofravens]

@ellionwrites

I just had the MOST diabolical thought for an Itafushi AU that immediately made me cry thinking about it.

Despite everything I need to do today AND all the other unfinished fics I have, I wanna drop it all to write this.

If this post gets even 1 note I'm doing it

[gay-caesar-truther]

Slowly drawing a kinda ref kinda full drawing for Gabe's FNV appearance

[thoughtfulfangirling]

2024 Reads

Another human invented marker of time has passed moving us from one year to the next. It's a good reason to start over my lists right?! XD 2023's list can be found here! 2024 starts below!

You Made a Fool out of Death with Your Beauty - Awaeke Emezi

Pussypedia: A Comprehensive Guide^ - Zoe Mendelson & Maria Conejo

The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek -Kim Michele Richardson

Meru - S.B. Divya

The Cadaver King and the Country Dentist: A True Story of Injustice in the American South^ by Radley Balko & Tucker Carrington

Watching the Tree: A Chinese Daughter Reflects on Happiness, Tradition, and Spiritual Wisdom^ - Adeline Yen Mah

On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous - Ocean Vuong

The Last Days of the Romanovs: Tragedy at Ekaterinburg^ - Helen Rappaport]

Pride and Prejudice* - Jane Austen

Fresh Girl - Jaida Placide

Butts: A Backstory^ - Heather Radke

The Girl Who Chased the Moon - Sarah Addison Allen

The Silent Patient - Alex Michaelides

The Blue Sword - Robin McKinley

In the Heart of the Sea: The Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex^ - Nathaniel Philbrick

A Wicked War: Polk, Clay, Lincoln and the 1846 U.S. Invasion of Mexico^ - Amy S. Greenberg

This Nonviolent Stuff'll Get You Killed: How Guns Made the Civil Rights Movement Possible^ - Charles E. Cobb Jr.

This Is Your Mind on Plants^ - Michael Pollan

The Silent Patient*~ - Alex Michaelides

Finding Me^ - Viola Davis

Wuthering Heights# - Emily Bronte

Exit Strategy~ - Martha Wells

The Girls Who Went Away:^ The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades before Roe V. Wade - Ann Fessler

Bowling Alone:^ The Collapse and Revival of American Community - Robert D. Putnam

Fugitive Telemetry%~ - Martha Wells

The History of Wales^*% - History Nerds

The War on Everyone^% ~- Robert Evans

Searching for Black Confederates:^ The Civil War's Most Persistent Myth - Kevin M. Levin

The Great Influenza:* The Story of the Deadliest Pandemic in History [2004] by John M. Barry

Network Effect~ - Martha Wells

Zelda Popkin:^ The Life and Times of an American Jewish Woman Writer - Jeremy D Popkin

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay - Michael Chabon

Medical Apartheid:^ The Dark History of Medical Experimentation on Black Americans from Colonial Times to the Present - Harriet A Washington

The Assassination of Fred Hampton:^ How the FBI and the Chicago Police Murdered a Black Panther - Jeffrey Haas

The Death of Vivek Oji - Awaeke Emezi

Mutual Aid:^% Building Solidarity in This Crisis (And the Next) - Dean Spade

Passin' Through - Luis L'Amour

The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store - James McBride

Never Let Me Go - Kazuo Ishiguro

Histories of the Transgender Child^ - Jules Gill-Peterson

Birdseye: The Adventures of a Curiosu Man^ - Mark Kurlansky

When I Fell from the Sky:^ The True Story of One Woman's Miraculous Survival - Juliane Koepcke

Dear Senthuran:^ A Black Spirit Memoir - Akwaeke Emezi

Emma* by Jane Austen

Lud-in-the-Mist - Hope Mirrlees

Woman:^ The American History of an Idea - Lillian Faderman

System Collapse - Martha Wells

A Dark and Starless Forest - Sarah Hollawell

The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love^% - Bell Hooks

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks^ - Rebecca Skloot

Charity and Sylvia: A Same-Sex Marriage in Early America^ -Rachel Hope Cleves

The Gay Revolution: The Story of the Struggle^ - Lillian Faderman

The Woman in Me^ - Brittany Spears

Reclaiming Two-Spirits: Sexuality, Spiritual Renewal & Sovereignty in Native America^ - Gregory Smithers

Being Huemann: An Unrepentant Memoir of Disability Rights Activist^ - Judith Huemann

The Unthinkable: Who Survives When a Disaster Strikes and Why^ - Amanda Ripley

The Writing of the Gods: The Race to Decode the Rosetta Stone^ - Edward Dolnick

Utopia for Realists:^ How We Can Build the Ideal World - Rutger Bregman

The Echo Wife - Sarah Gailey

To Believe in Women:^ What Lesbians Have Done for America - Lillian Faderman

Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon

Tribe:^% On Homecoming and Belonging - Sebastian Junger

Freedom^% - Sebastian Junger

Our Wives Under the Sea - Julia Armfield

Nonviolence: 25 Lessons from the History of a Dangerous Idea% - Mark Kurlansky

Bridehead Revisited# - Evelyn Waugh

The Witch Elm - Tana Frencyh

Rosemary's Baby by Ira Levin

HumanKind: A Hopeful History - Rutger Bregman^

Autumn at the Willow River Guesthouse - C.P Ward

From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World Find the Good Death^ - Caitlin Doughty

(last updated 9/19)

Currently reading: On Killing (print), Plain Bad Heroines (print), A Study in Drowning (Audio), Gideon the Ninth (with spouse), and Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell (audio to fall asleep to)

Key: * = Reread ^ = Nonfiction ~ = Read with Empty % = Novella #= Doc book club

My goal for 2024 is for 40% of my reads to be nonfiction. I've had two years within the recent past where I managed 20% of my reads to be nonfiction, so I'm aiming to double that. THIS WILL BE HARD FOR ME! Not because I don't enjoy nonfiction but because I enjoy fiction a lot more and have a lot more practice reading it. Haha Also for me, I am in circles where I'm just going to have more awareness of fictional books that I'm likely to enjoy more so than nonfiction. I'm kind of hoping that this years journey will change that a bit too!

Okay, below the cut I'm putting the nonfiction books on my tbr, most of which I have the lovely people of Tumblr to thank for the recommendations!

1968: The Year that Rocked the World

The Age of Wood; Our Most Useful Material...

The Assassination of Fred Hampton

Behind the Scenes: Or, Thirty Years a Slave and Four Years in the...

Being Human

The Big Oyster: History on the Half Shelf

Birdseye: The Adventures of a Curious Man

Bowling Alone

Brave the Wild: The Untold Story of Two Women Who Mapped...

Butts: A Backstory / Evermore Recommended

The Cadaver Kin and the Country Dentist / Automatuck9

Charity and Sylvia: A Same-Sex Marriage in Early America

Dancing in the Glory of Monsters: The Collapse...

Dear Senthuran

DisneyWar

Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with...

Finding Me (Viola Davis)

The Five: The Untold Lives of the Women Killed...

The Food of a Younger Land

The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women...

The Glass Universe

The Great Hunger: The Story of the Famine...

The Great Influenza

Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of an Abused Woman

The History of Ireland

The History of Scotland

The History of Wales

How to Hide an Empire: A History of the Greater United States

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

The Indifferent Stars Above

In the Heart of the Sea / ecouterbien

In the Wake of the Plague: The Black Death...

The Last Days of the Romanovs / Automatuck9

Manhunt: The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer

Medical Apartheid: The Dark History of Medical...

Mutual Aid: Building Solidarity During the Crisis...

A New World Begins

Nonviolence: The History of a Dangerous...

This Nonviolent Stuff'll Get you Killed / Empty

Radium Girls

The Road to Jonestown

Paper: Paging through History

People's Temple

Pussypedia / Bookstagram Rec

Salt: A World History

Say Nothing

Sea Biscuit: An American legend

Searching for Black Confederates

This is Your Mind on Plants

Unmasking Autism

The Unthinkable: Who Survives when Disaster Strikes - And Why

Watching the Tree / found all by my little self

We Wish to Inform You that Tomorrow we Will be Killed...

A Wicked War: Polk, Clay, Lincoln and the.. / Rose

The Writing of the Gods: The Race to Decode the Rosetta...

I will actually add to this list as I get more recs and whatnot. And I still have some coming which I ordered from Thriftbooks. Once those are here, I'll add those. I'm a little sad there aren't more memoirs, but there's plenty of time for that yet! This is already 37 books, and given lately I've been reading about 70 (nonfiction may slow me down tho), these should give me plenty of ability to reach my 40% goal. Now it's just a matter of if I do it XD

[sentimentalshitpost]

trans yuri thoughts?

so many

tagging the hive mind @otabekisautistic bc we've discussed the man, the myth, the legend at length and they are in my brain like a little worm 🪱

first - i think canon supports trans yuri which other people have discussed in greater detail. what particularly stands out to me: what he says to lila "If selling my soul is what it takes to win, I'll give you this body, no holds barred." i think that wording is really important, not "my body" but "this body" there's a disconnect/depersonalization between who he is to himself/inwardly versus who he is to others/outwardly.

and his reaction to otabek's "eyes of a soldier" line! he's used to (and depicted as not being fond of) referred to in traditionally feminine terms especially when it comes to his skating like fairy, angelic - even "prima ballerina" when the term for a male principle dancer is "primo ballerino" which like...less elegant sounding imo but still - this is really the first time he and his skating, a major marker of his identity, is referred to in terms that he doesn't just begrudgingly accept.

which all builds on his narrative concern about puberty, his body changing, and of course that impacting his skating

i do see the trans girl/femme argument, however, a puberty that involves growing boobs, hips, ect. is generally more detrimental towards skating - you're dealing with more mass making it harder to lift off so trans man/masc seems to make more sense given the broader context

there's more i could say on evidence in the canon/meta analysis, though i don't think i have anything particularly new or groundbreaking

ok, headcanons, the fun stuff; some of this is more grounded in the actual show and some of it is some of this is literally just bc i said so

within the context of the show it seems like yuri would have figured out his gender young to be able to compete in juniors with other boys - nikolai is his biggest advocate! does he get it 100%? no he wants yuri to have a normal life, and that means a certain thing to him having lived in soviet russia, he wants yuri to have an easy life that transness won't afford, but his priority - what he wants more than anything - is for yuri to be happy

i've seen a lot of people talk about yuri being like his mother, i think he's more like his grandfather (i think the traits of his mom are there, i think that annoys the shit out of him bc she's depicted as not being present and for obvious dysphoria reasons but,) stubborn, strong willed, ect.

nikolai cuts yuri's hair into that little bowl cut situation we see in the flash backs 1. it's convenient 2. it's cheap 3. it makes yuri happy

yuri picks out his name but his decision is heavily influenced by nikolai - nikolai tells him stories about the space race and the cosmonauts and little baby yuri is so fascinated by it all he names himself after yuri gagarin and takes on nikolai's patronymic

i think as he gets older, tries to find a balance between life and skating, he gets more into queer culture/politics and is primarily t4t (otabek is endgame and boy he is down bad)

he's an absolute demon twink in his 20's, a menace to society (viktor works double duty as his coach and twink handler, dude is struggling)

the more i've sat with the idea of trans yuri the less binary he's become (which may be me projecting my own gender feelings but also like look at him) i think he feels very strictly masculine as a teenager then as he gets older and more people view him as more masculine/more of a man in daily interactions he feels like he can interact with androgyny/femininity again - when it's not a career requirement it doesn't feel stifling

he's so hyped for top surgery and he's had to wait so long - he never really found it feasible to do it in the off season and taking time off isn't something he's willing to do even as he tries to create a work/life balance - it's the first thing he does after retirement and he's so convinced he's never gonna put on a shirt again. don't think he would be very good about following recovery rules though like getting enough sleep, sleeping propped up, not picking up pets, ect. despite knowing it'll help him in the long run

sorry this took so long!!! i was trying to articulate my thoughts without writing an actual essay which uh...🤷🏻

honestly there's more i could say - i've thought a lot about how his gender impacts his life, career, and relationships

also - i've been working on some variation of a post-canon trans yuri fic (on and off, it's become like 4 different things) since 2017 that i honestly don't know if i'll ever finish

that being said have some crumbs that i think will make it into some sort of work? hopefully?

The flight sucks. His legs are crammed into the smallest space imaginable — these airlines keep shrinking the fucking leg room, and the asshole who’s lent his seat back infront of him isn’t helping — there’s multiple layovers to look forward to, and he’s sat next to Viktor and Yuuri for the first leg. Normally, this wouldn’t be much of a problem, as much as he’s put up a front that he hates the geezers, and as much as he genuinely believes they’re almost more insufferable together than they are apart, he’s grown fond of the sickening pair and almost finds comfort in their company. But now his medication isn’t even touching the pain in his hand, he’s tired, and he’s pissed — at himself, at Otabek, at the whole goddamn world. He doesn’t want to see them hold hands and lean on each other for the next three and a half hours he wants some fucking peace; peace that he’s never going to have again.

[vikingpoteto]

Tiktok made me feel bad so I uninstalled it.