#so I was probably completely cis
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Gender discussion in the tags 👀
#I think I’m she/they#I was exploring my gender identity heavily in my teens and early twenties but then someone told me to stop#because I didn’t experience complete gender dysphoria#so I was probably completely cis#so I stopped#but it’s never felt right#like I definitely identify with being a woman but not all the time#sometimes I just feel genderless#idk#not bnha#vent post
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it's so funny (read: sad) that if bigoted fuckheads didn't insist i was a woman simply by virtue of my body at birth, i'd probably be chill with she/her pronouns in addition to he/they. if my mom didn't insist i was her daughter, i'd probably let her call me that, and we could still have a relationship.
i'm nonbinary and 'gendered' words are hypothetically meaningless, but because there are so many people who are more interested in telling me who i am rather than lovingly and curiously letting me express my own sense of self, those words carry trauma.
there's no reason a nonbinary person like myself can't be a son and a child and a daughter. there's no reason a nonbinary person like me can't go by he, they, and she.
'she' is not a slur. 'daughter' is not derogatory. 'beautiful' 'pretty' 'gorgeous' 'feminine' are not insults.
to the contrary, they're parts of language that express certain facets of a multi-faceted human existence, like mine.
and i have this sad, mournful feeling that if it weren't for unloving, condescending people, i'd probably be down to be called any of those things alongside my usual masculine/neutral terminology.
but i'd rather die than let anyone tell me what i have to be called.
#i try to reclaim 'feminine' words for myself in private#calling myself 'babygirl' when i need to chill out. or saying i feel pretty. or going 'she needs help' when i'm struggling lmao.#but there's still so much fucking trauma in those words from the people who've forced them on me#who've snarled in my face that GOD made me ONE THING and ONE THING ONLY and that's a WOMAN (stepdad)#who've guilted me for taking their precious perfect daughter away as if i'm fucking dead (mother)#who've mocked me and everyone like me as if we're not the experts on our own sense of self (general transphobic public)#like. i'm not a fucking man. i'm not a fucking woman. i'm nonbinary. gender is absurdity as a concept. i'm done with it.#but being called a man or a son or a guy or 'he' or WHATEVER in that vein is fine and dandy because i've never had anyone say#'that is all you can EVER be'. or worse: 'that is what GOD made you to be and you have a ROLE to fill'#(christianity pls die approximately yesterday thanku 💖)#so yeah. idk. ranting yet again about Cis Audacity.#the complete lack of empathy. the lack of curiosity even.#the condescending bullshit. the 'i understand you better than you do'. the fucking AUDACITY.#i am the expert on myself. i am the ONLY expert on myself. period. no contest. not a debate.#i understand myself better than anyone else is CAPABLE of understanding me.#i could call myself 'she' and understand that i meant it in a nonbinary way.#in fact i could even see myself letting other trans people call me feminine terms at some point in the future. when i've healed more.#but cis people? probably not. they can call me 'he' or 'they' or they can fuck off & never get to know me because they don't wanna know ME#/end rant#any terfs/bigots that try to touch this post will be swiftly blocked and quite possibly cursed. have the day you deserve <3
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I can accept basically any trans/nb reading of Jon however my personal favorites are transmasc Jon who transitioned physically and socially as early as possible and just never mentioned it to anyone cause it wasn't any of their business OR Jon being the most repressed transfem/nb in existence. They'll be talking about gender or whatever and Jon will be like "it's normal to feel totally disconnected from your gender all the time and also vaguely want boobs. That's just a guy thing I think." only for whoever they're all talking to to go "wtf no?? It's not????"
#please don't make this about j//mart or martin#only jon reading I can't accept is cis#sorry I just don't see it#idk might just be projection#but I think jon has really complicated feelings about gender that they don't know how to articulate#and they're also super private so they just. never mention it.#actually love literally any depiction of jon where they had a super wild personal life (band/mechs!jon punk!jon w/e) that they don't think#is important to mention ever. but occasionally they'll drop some random detail completely casually and then not understand why everyone els#is confused#like. I think jon's childhood probably wasn't super wild beyond the mr spider stuff#and once they started working at the institute I think they tried to lean really really hard into the boring respectable academic aesthetic#but I think uni jon was either the most dull shut-in workaholic OR doing really weird shit between classes with no inbetween#look I have a lot of jonthoughts ok?#anyway I think it's plausible that uni!jon was briefly non-repressed#actually adding to that: jon likes to break in to places to Investigate Them is practically canon to me.#ok anyway sorting tags. yeah I'm maintagging my jon mental illness#jon sims#jonathan sims#tma#the magnus archives#trans jon sims#trans jonathan sims#edit to add my new jon gender tag#jonder
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#really sorry that several big options slipped my mind and i realized only immediately after posting when its 2 late#obviously he can be aro ace etc etc etc.#please shave your head and tell me about it.#PERSONALLY i think in my hc continuity where hes a trans guy he was completely 🤐 abt being trans (presented himself as cis guy) + out as bi#and in hc lines where hes a cis guy hes questioning/closeted bisexual at time of applying to typhon#the trans hale hc. TO ME. relies on him being so strongly believing in it with such conviction#that he got his nervous self thru everything he needed to do#and after all that itd probably be easier for him to accept other facets of lgbt internality too#WHEREAS. TO ME. the cis dude hale hc relies on him never truly questioning his gender bc of the#societal pressure to Not Think About It Too Hard. and so sexuality as well is much more out of his grasp#fwiw (folga wolga imoga womp) i ran a poll on nsfwalt if ppl think hes ever had sex pre typhon and no is winning lol#I THINK YES TBH!!! but its interesting to see the takes....#sayerposting
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im so sorry you got nasty asks ppl can be so vile. i love seeing you on my dash and you always have the best posts and put great stuff on my dash. ive never watched naruto but i dont mind seeing that either <3 ily i hope youre doing ok outside of ppl being terrible
They had me like this, anon...
#they tried to call me a terf and I’ll never forgive that 😵💫#all because I pointed out some antiblackness-#I don’t expect much from wp and nbs here especially lgbt white folks since they’ve been the main ones running black bloggers off for years#especially black trans and cis black women for even uttering the word#they forget that at the end of the day they are still white and can hurt us#it was just#uncomfortable for me :(#but I’m not used to being harassed so I was like 🤷🏾♀️!#I had to delete sm messages 🗿#tumblr is not a welcoming place for black bloggers so#it’s never rly been but I won’t leave until this site completely implodes (it’s getting there)#one thing about lgbt whites they’re gonna call a black blogger a transphobe for ever criticizing them ever even if they’re trans 😵💫#I hate how common this is on here it’s disgusting#all I do is post about anime and complain I don’t be bothering no one 😭#anon you’re so kind I rly appreciate this message 😵💫❤️!#thanks for caring lmfaoo#also#I FEEL LIKE……. you’ll probably go crazy if you watched Naruto sorry…….#please don’t watch or read it ever… I’m begging- but the perks of reading and watching Naruto is that you get to meet Naruto and sasuke 😭!!!#guys of all time!!!!!!!#I’ve been trying my best to be normal about it since I’m an adult but I… sorry I’m so sorry anon I’m embarrassing#it’s kind of hard to dislike something that you’ve been into since you were in middle school 😭……#I’ll love Naruto forever even if it sucks lol#anonymous#tkf replies
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Every time someone in my class refers to my she/they professor exclusively as "she" (which is every single time) I sustain -20 damage.
There are a few reasons why my pronouns are he/they, not that there needs to be a reason, but one of them is honestly because it's a bit of a social experiment. The very few people in school who actually bother to get my pronouns right only ever refer to me as "they," despite the "he" being the first one. Hmm. Hmmmmmm.
#i'm studying these people#i've been so fired up about misgendering lately lol#well because it shouldn't happen this much??? in a gender studies program?? and yet.#people are always so shocked when i tell them i only ever get misgendered at school. like why are you surprised? even in gender studies.#was talking to another transmasc friend last week and he admitted that he just doesn't enjoy talking to cis women like he used to -#- probably because of the constant misgendering and them assuming he is one of them. and i completely concur.#sounds bad but i do agree. i just feel totally outside and uncomfortable.#annoys me even more how so many people tell me i need to teach this program so i can 'change the institution' wehh wehh
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i want to put the dungeon meshi squad into the leviathan series and see what happens
#toy txt post#just finished rereading the first book in like. a couple days. what if airships were Alive and they were a complex living ecosystem?#no wonder i loved this book. i was so right#i was little worried id find the teen protagonists clearly destined to fall in love to be annoying and distracting but its fine#also god the way that dylan is like. so insecure about passing as a boy and worried he'll come across as too weird and girly and shit#and alek meets him and is like wtf i am entranced by his inherent boyish swagger. how is he doing that#also i know dylan is probably ripe for transmasc reading and thats valid but. agender. to me#his gender is Hot Air Balloon. his gender is Flying. his gender is Airman(gender neutral)#his gender is that feather suit that negates fall damage completely in totk#leviathan series#dylan sharp#i think its influence of my own nonbinaryness + smth about the way cis authors who write Girls Disguised As Boys to do Boy Activities that#Girls Arent Allowed To Do and the way the character still identifies with his birth name and internally registers as a Girl But Not but#Also Not A Boy feels so. enby to meeeeee. BUT ALSO ik ik ik there are almost certainly transmascs and transmen who feel that way at least#a little etc. ppl be having complex rships with their own genders im not prescribing anything#Dylan and Laois 🤝 enby in the sense of bro im literally just vibing why do you care whats in my pants#Laois would be trying to eat so many fabricated beasties huh
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.
#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted#i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter#the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back#and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context#or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with#''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!''#which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it#BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM????#and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with#i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together#but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person#it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist#but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary#of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be#and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it#but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well#or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations#and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think#or even what other people understand#but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun#and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time#he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i#and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma#is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!''#that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels#i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott#idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back#but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it
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slowly working my way through making these little character refs for the whole htf cast... just basic info and lil bits of trivia :3
these were Heavily inspired by @hostilemuppet's art because their interpretations of the characters are so perfect and their art is super swag!!
#ace rambles#happy tree friends#my art#sorry to tag you muppet i know we don't know each other that well but i wanted to give you credit for the inspo 🥴#love your stuff#nyway i had a lot of fun doing these and completely ignoring both canon and reasonable reality#''ace why did you make lifty a trans guy and shifty a cis that's not how twins work irl''#yeah well irl raccoons don't come in green or drive vans (probably) so i think i'm allowed to get a little silly with the genders#i fully intend to do the rest of the cast at some point but i have to switch my laundry and then go to bed lol#also sorry if you can't read my handwriting#poor fine motor skills you know how it is#htf character refs
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I'm never being nice to anyone ever again btw
#post posting#i used be kinda mean in like middle school#i really didnt like talking to people so i would like roll my eyes at them and ignore people#but in highschool after quarantine i decided i should probably be nicer#and now im generally a much happier person#its better to be nice to people even when they make it difficult#and i stand by that#but since im a girl or whatever#cis men tend to think im completely obsessed with them just because i was nice to them a few times#and like. i get The Thing. yk.#but just cause i smiled at you does not mean im in love with you
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I feel. So very very. Bad.
#tw eating disorder#tw gender dysphoria#and yearning? haven’t yearned in a while#figuring out more about my gender has enlightened and empowered me a lot#but it’s also made me feel a lot more isolated too#it feels like I’m not trans enough for trans people#because I don’t really want top surgery or even to go on t (at least not right now)#like I’m not queer enough#but I’m queer enough that I’m undesirable to straight cis folks probably…#like I feel like I’m learning so much more about who I am but that person feels so completely… undesirable#and I hate myself for so many other reasons— I am NOT the person who’s going to love myself even if nobody else wants me#so I’m just here#I’m too much and not enough#lifelong local foreigner#the eternal outsider#and I’m sure that there are plenty of other people like me! who also feel this way!#but it doesn’t make it less suffocating
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hmmm trying to go to sleep but instead cannot stop thinking abt the fandom trend ive noticed growing over the last couple years of portraying gnc gay men like gender-conforming cis women with the pronouns changed, and like. on a case by case basis it can often be put down to bad writing, but when looked at as a whole it's actually a pretty insidious brand of homophobia
#theres also like a decently sized subset of the trend where the gnc gay man is trans#and it often gives vibes of like. a cis girl writing abt gay men but in order to self insert she gave one of them a vagina#like. the transness of the character was not so much done purposefully as it was done as a means to an end#leaving it simultaneously spotlighted at every moment while also a complete afterthought#idk im very tired and not wording this right#if uve also noticed anything like this feel free to respond i enjoy discussing fandom trends#if u dont know what im talking abt u can respond too ig but be warned im probably not gonna come up with a clearer explanation#personal
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sometimes i feel jealous of cisgender people but then. i dont it’s whatever man. no wait i am. i am very jealous of cisgender people in a fucked up way. what
#i feel like jealous of them because they get to live their life at least feeling right about one thing#they can be perfectly content with their bits and their birth self. and i am so jealous that i probably wont feel that way ever#im like weirdly so envious of people who have such a usually uncomplicated and easy view of gender#this is a totally different thing but im so jealous of people who have almost over involved and cool parents#i’ll see people who like. their parents have an instagram account..and they’ll like…tag each other#and put stupid mother-daughter stuff on their story or idk. be so chill and aware of their kid’s lives#my mom is definitely involved in my life and she does love me but she just like. idk.#there’s probably a lot that goes on those behind closed doors but they’re so like supportive of their Out kids and they like post about it#so something must be going right.#i wish i could just be out to my mom and proudly say hey im your lesbian son now but i can’t because ill be killing her beloved daughter#all i am to her is her Daughter who’s like a best friend to her. and i would feel really bad if i ever kill that idea#in my mind knowing im trans i already know that that girl is dead but its like i haven’t broken the news to the family#they’re so blissfully unaware their daughter is dead and that their son killed her#i dont want to live with that guilt so i’ll have to dispose of the evidence of her body and run far away as a new man#yea theyd accept me if i came out as a lesbian. its like having a daughter but not having to worry about grandchildren#but not if i was physically something else. they wouldn’t kick me out they wouldn’t be outwardly mad.#but they’d always be disappointed that shes gone. they’d always grieve her. they’d always insist she was still here#so thats why like. i can’t. im gonna have to turn eighteen move far away transition to the man i am and never return#let them believe their beloved daughter is missing rather than dead#and these kids. this one specific person actually. can just. be out and be happy and have their parents accept and love them unconditionall#or some never have to come out because they were born right and their parents will love them still and they don’t have to be as#as in danger about their rights right now because of the government#or feeling so Wrong their entire lives or even when they figure out what’s wrong that they cant fix it yet#or having to choose between being repressed and miserable about their real self forever or running away or having to live with eternal guil#while being themself and trying to be happy#they get to feel right about their identity and can comfortably fit in with groups#some cis people anyways#for others theres a lot of other external factors not about gender that makes some people so. kinda like this#like im completely sure there’s plenty people of color who feel this frustration with white people or disabled people about abled people#the frustration that people who were like born or raised or live certain way that they get to have all of these things
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whenever i'm with large groups of people i have at least one moment of Oh God. People Think I'm Either A Man Or A Woman. it's like getting shocked every time lmao party meme but it's they don't know i'm nonbinary
#he looked scared! like i might think badly of him or treat him differently!#i have many gay friends!#i did? kind of come out? to my coworker?#but i mean she already knew i'm gay lmao it's so obvious when you assume i'm a man that i'm not straight 😭😭#i did have to make a split second decision to say either bi or gay and i said gay 😭 i do use both interchangeably personally#bc i use gay as like an umbrella term for not straight#but i know people tend to think of only homosexual and heterosexual lol bisexual people don't exist <3#but really i didn't feel like doing a lesson on what bisexuality is if it was needed so 😭😭#my coworker was cool with it i was like i mean you probably know already but i'm gay lol and she said yeah i knew but it's your business#but um she was kinda outing our ex coworker? and i know she told me bc i'm obviously gay myself but.......#it's not cool to tell me when he only mentioned his bf to her and she said he looked scared that she might judge him.... like it's not cool#to tell period but especially since it was clearly said bc he trust *her* with the info#if they're openly out and the person already knows well ofc whatever you can talk about it but it wasn't like that so#but the thing IS....... that i only really realised she was outing him afterwards? my bad truly. i was uncomfortable in the moment#but for some reason it didn't click why til later#bc like at first i thought it was bc she said something like 😭😭 girl. how should he know you'd be cool with it. we live in This Society.#so i was uncomfy like uhhh. and i said well i mean you probably know already but i'm gay too and even if there's a p high chance that peopl#will be okay with it in this day & age (i didn't say but. bit different for trans ppl. i'm not out as trans) we can never know#so it makes sense to be scared to say it!#and she was like yes! but i am okay with it and he looked so scared! i truly know so many and i love them even more than others!#😭😭😭😭😭 she means well but seriously HOW SHOULD HE KNOW ALL THAT 😭😭😭😭 it doesn't work like that girl.....#i mean ? *i* never told her i'm gay 😭😭 and i've known her for 2 years and a half almost. this guy worked with us for like a few months#anyway i wish i was quicker to realise bc i would've told her out on it like...... really not your thing to tell other people 😵💫😵💫#still. i am glad i said it. even when it's obvious and wouldn't need telling#it's NOT easy to like. know that everyone knows. not for me at least. especially with the added layer of being trans (AND nonbinary)#bc i don't think ppl i haven't told know that. i think cis ppl are quite bad at like.. knowing transmasc ppl exist lol#so i go by he/him only in italian (no other options lol) and i'm. not really completely masc and don't “pass” super well but when#i present myself as nico and talk abt myself w masculine words ppl just either ignore that and go she! :) or think alright. (cis) gay man#and at work it's the latter after i've worked there for over 2 years. like i'm not out as trans so ppl draw those conclusions#i don't think it'd shock ppl if i said i'm trans but simply put cis ppl at least cis italian ppl dont know shit abt trans men and transmasc
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I want to try writing smut for my Fem!Narumitsu AU but I feel like I'd get distracted from the smut and focus on how they experience femininity as a trans woman and a cis futch woman because my ideas for that specific topic are surprisingly extensive. They might get around to fucking but I have to get through the whole 'non-typical experiences with womanhood' essay first.
#to clarify: Miles is trans and Phoenix is cis but presents more on the butch side of futch#so maybe not completely cis bc i can see her just not thinking about gender too much#she'd probably think it would be fun to be he/him-ed a few times#i am not a trans woman but I am a woman who is trans (enby somewhere but ok with fem labels) so i know I can't totally understand everythin#but I can have thoughts and those thoughts are queer as hell#i love fem!phoenix/edgeworth fics bc it's always either a fascinating deep dive into femininity and stuff or some wonderful gay sex#you really can't go wrong with it
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ok lock in time
#i’m gonna give myself until the weekend after the deadline to come out bcs it would be so inconvenient on a weekday#which gives me 11 days#ok i’ve heard enough repper horror stories to transition bcs i really don’t wanna be like that#i’ve looked on the mirror enough to like be ok with my shoulders??#ideally my face will get improved by hrt bcs estrogen will atrophy my masseuses and tigheten skin#realistically when i want ffs i just want forehead/hairline shit#eyebrow ridge and tracheal shave hopefully my jaw and nose should be fine#thankfully i have a reasonably small midface#apparently there’s no way to completely stop me growing without proper surgery (drilling growth plates) but if i go on estrogen mono therap#on a high dose apparently it lowers growth which would be good to do#i really don’t wanna have to diy but i just don’t see any other solution#if i diy only blockers i’ll just end up tall bcs blockers make you taller#mono therapy also means injections which is just#ughhhh#in terms of other surgery i don’t really need a lot#i have luckshit waist and ribs#i have decentish weight distribution and it’ll only get better on hrt#my shoulders r a bit broad for cis girls but nothing crazy like even consani and schafer have broader shoulders on my and they r youngshits#plus baggy is in rn so i don’t have to show off the parts of me that i don’t like#ugh if i had just started blockers a little earlier i wouldn’t have this damn adams apple#oh i also need to start voice training ughhh#anyways if coming out goes well and mum and dad let me diy life should be set#i get brainworms to keep me disciplined i get fem socialised by being faggy#i can go stealth in uni ideally i should be passing before graduation but that might be a bit idealistic#then i still have science or finance paths ahead of me#not having male privilege is gonna suck tho#esp in finance#honestly the biggest issue to me passing in the future might be my hair#it’ll take so long to grow out and i’ll probably have to striaghten it#for coming out to the rest of the family it’s kinda a mixed bag
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