#so I was like 'o shit he actually hit the goop man'

[asthewxrldturns-blog]

((@darrkcandiedgoat I just now saw that latest reply and I WAS NOT READY--))

[headoverhiddles]

Mephistopheles of Los Angeles - Marilyn Manson x Reader [Smut] (Part II)

Synopsis: After the kiss, it’s impossible to avoid the press. But behind closed doors, there’s no reason to deny that you two have a connection. AKA Marilyn invites you and Johnny over to his place for a night of fun. 

Notes: Third and final part coming soon! Also, I love comments :) 

PART I

PART III

You sit up by your window, watching the pool glisten. You can't come out and say anything-- he was probably drunk. But, you two did have that magnificent conversation before the drinks came around... there was definitely a connection there.

As if you two shared a mind, just as you're about to pick up the phone to call Johnny, his ID shows up on your screen.

"Hey," you say.

"Morning, sunshine," he says, his voice cracking from an obvious hangover, "Beautiful day, isn't it?"

You groan, sliding the curtains shut and blocking out the sun. He laughs.

"Hey, what if--" Just then, someone else starts to call through. It's an unknown number. You really shouldn't answer, you being who you are... but there's a glimmer of misplaced hope inside you, leftover from last night maybe.

"I'll call you back, kay?" you mumble, and swipe on the call. "Yeah?"

"Hey." It's him, deep, gravelly voice and all.

"Hey." You pull your feet up to your chest. "What's going on?"

"I was hoping-- I got your number from Depp by the way, so I'm not a stalker-- that you guys'd come over to my place, like, tomorrow night. Night before your premiere. We could celebrate properly."

"Sounds great," you smile. "How are you not hungover?"

"I am, I'm just a good faker." He pauses. "It felt good to unwind with you last night. I... appreciate company like yours. I also appreciate that that was the sexiest kiss I've had in like, ten years." That's all he says, then he hangs up. Sober, he's a very somber person... but his drunk side shines through every now and then it seems. Smirking, you stand, and start to think about a shower. Johnny will probably be getting a call next.

-

The next night, the three of you are situated in Marilyn's living room, the thermostat set to cool air and a low soundtrack of David Bowie floating in the background.

"Cherry. Blood red. So we can pretend we're vampires." A pyramid of jello boxes sit on his counter top, three bottles of Absinthe that would be used instead of water.

"We basically are," Johnny comments idly, watching a fly crawl along the counter.

"Or, or we can pretend we're eating flesh," Marilyn continues, shaking one packet out into the bowl, "Absinthe and flesh. Or we can pretend (y/n) is menstruating, and--"

Both you and Johnny groan loud enough to drown out the rock star's ravings, and finally he concedes, adding the absinthe (mostly) silently. Ultimately however, Johnny is unable to restrain himself from pitching in. "Who would want to eat a woman out on her period though?"

"You'd be surprised," you answer that one, swinging your legs over Marilyn's velvet couch.

"I wouldn't mind it," Marilyn offered, licking the cherry goop off his tattooed fingers, "If I was like, an actual vampire."

This sets Johnny off again, and as he's laughing, you saunter up to Marilyn, wrapping your arms around him from behind.

"And what if you weren't a vampire?"

"You mean if I didn't need to stick my tongue in a reservoir of ovum littered blood?"

"Yes."

"Well, I know girls get aroused on their period, because their hormones are raging. So if my girl was horny as fuck for me on her period and wanted me to eat her pussy, I mean, I wouldn't say no."

You pat his cheek. "A true gentleman."

"I've always wondered this-- when you fuck a girl on her period and she cums, is it like a dam of blood breaking?"

"What, like the parting of the red sea?" Johnny frowns. Marilyn considers this.

"More like... Titanic, but... the Titanic is your dick."

"Completely false," you say, and both guys look over to you, legitimately interested. "It's the opposite. At least for me. The blood stops for a bit, then... comes back with a vengeance once all your wetness has returned from whence it came."

"Very interesting, love," Johnny says, getting up and pouring himself another drink.

"I love being educated in the vaginal arts," Marilyn says, making obscene slurping noises as he licks the rest of his fingers clean.

As the night wears on the three of you (plus Lily) put down bottle after bottle, smoke a couple of joints, and finish the red coagulated creation. Once two AM hits, the conversation deepens, and the guitar breaks out.

"It's gonna be hell for you answering questions about those pictures this weekend, (y/n)," Johnny says, strumming the acoustic instrument.

"I know. The questions I get are so dumb, I've already had a billion asking about you and me and if we're dating. Just because two people play love interests--"

"And have fabulous onscreen chemistry," Johnny adds.

"Yes, doesn't mean we should get... shipped!" Angrily, you exhale a cloud of smoke, the joint hanging lazily between your fingers.

"It's because the media's bullshit consists of asking why male artists do what they do, and asking female artists why they fuck who they fuck," Marilyn mutters candidly, stealing the joint.

"Load of crap," Johnny nods, playing a riff of The Beautiful People.

"I like you... though," Marilyn mumbles, glancing your way.

"I like you too," you blink.

"I would've fucked you y'know... if the paparazzi weren't such cockblocking motherfuckers..."

"I know. When it comes to the press though, we've gotta make it look like an accident if they did get pictures."

"Which they did," Johnny nodded, "I already saw one this morning titled "Chateau Marmont's Wild Nightlife: Johnny Depp blazes one while rising co-star and shock-rocker best friend get 'cheeky' in the bushes." Now we've got not only rumours about you and me to deal with but you and this fuck." This makes Marilyn laugh.

"I'm just known as the best friend now? Wow." He touches his wow tattoo, holding it up.

"You're faded, man."

"Faded, faithful, and fuckin' fatal."

"They make me look like a fucking stoner now, so I'm not much better."

"You are a fucking stoner."

"I'm Jack Sparrow, mate."

"You're a fucking stoner."

You just roll your eyes as they bicker. You remember what your agent told you-- if it's not purposefully publicized, it's messy, and messy doesn't sell. Guess that's what it's like in the Hollywood dating pool.

"Nah, but of course we've gotta deny all of it," Marilyn sighs. "It would blow up your career in a not-good way cause they'd say this young, impressionable starlet is dating a satanist, or whatever they call me, and I don't really feel like answering a billion stupid questions about you either at this point, not when I'm trying to promote my record. They're going crazy over this cause you're so popular right now, (y/n). It'll be all over People and the internet and shit."

"Covering personal shit is the worst part of this job," Johnny mutters. "Unless it's a story about smuggling cocaine into the Pirates premiere."

"Wasn't that at Disneyland?" you frown.

Marilyn and Johnny both nod noncommittally.

"Worth it," Johnny says, holding his guitar with one hand and flicking a piece of the blood red Jell-O onto the ceiling with a spoon.

"Clean that up," Marilyn grins.

"Lick it off, mate," Johnny laughs. It suddenly falls, and with a jiggle, lands between your breasts. You yelp as it splatters into your cleavage, and the two men fall to the floor laughing.

"Mmmmhmmhmm," Marilyn smiles, crawling over to you on his hands and knees with tipsy half-lidded eyes, "I think I will lick it off." He straddles you on the armchair, one leg on either side, and puts his face into your tits, his tongue sweeping deep licks between, up, down, ugh...

"Fuck, you're making me horny," you whisper. Johnny giggles, standing and snatching a small bag and heading up to Marilyn's pool patio with his guitar.  

"See you two in the morning."

"Don't drown," you call up.

"I don't want to have to clean up your chlorine bloated corpse in the morning," Marilyn adds.

"I will leave you the sexiest corpse you could possibly imagine, brother," Johnny calls back down, stumbling up the stairs. You and Marilyn turn your attention back to one another.

"Your tits taste good," he comments, eyes flickering lazily back down to them.

"My pussy tastes even better," you grin, taking his hand and sliding it down between your legs. He rubs it against you, and comes up with slick fingers.

"Bedroom."

His bed is covered in black silk sheets, a satin cover blanketed overtop of them. Messy piles of books and records litter the floor, and creepy artefacts you wouldn't want to see with a light on surround everything on bookshelves.

"You have blacklights?" you ask, looking around the dark, mysterious room.

"To admire the cum shots on the ceiling," he clarifies.

"Oh, is that all?"

"--But I don't like to call it cum, I like to call it... making wet in you," he giggles.

"Mmm, make wet in me?"

"I would love to make wet in you."

Before you can say anything else, he grabs you by the hips, shoving you forward onto the bed. You land on your stomach, and he stands behind you as you turn your head.

"Take your panties off," he says in a low, level voice, as if he had sobered up in seconds. You feel your bratty side coming out.

"What if I don't?"

He lifts his chin up, looking like a king. "Get on your hands and knees... arch your back and present your ass for me. It's a really pretty ass, I just wanna look at it. Promise."

You do so, and wait in the darkness. After a second, you feel his tongue dart out, licking a stripe up your panties from behind. Then he smacks your ass hard. "Ohgod," you whisper, and he smiles.

"You look so good like this." You flip over, and crawl up to the headboard, hanging on. "Why don't you spread your legs for daddy?"

"Why don't you spread them for me, daddy? I'm a little bit tired."

"Lazy little bitch," he mumbles, sliding his hand between your legs. It rests on your knee, then you feel the pressure of him parting your thighs. He rolls over on top of you, and for a moment, you think he's going to instigate a kiss. You part your lips, waiting for him. Instead, he slides down like a snake between those parted thighs and hooks his fingers into your panties.

"Just lick around them," you smirk, biting your lip.

"Uh, uh. I want to enjoy my meal," he drawls, and pulls them off down to your ankle.

"Eat my pussy good, baby."

"Oh, I plan to."

"Gonna fuck me after that?"

"You know I am, kitten."

He delves between your folds again, making low noises. His hands reach up to grope and grab at whatever they can; your hips, your breasts, your inner thighs. After a moment, you gasp as he slips two fingers into you, then three, fucking you rough with them.

"That's--" You gasp, grinding into his face, "That's so good..."

He hums, the vibration of his lips against your clit driving you wild.

"How fuckin' close are you?" he hisses.

"So fucking close," you whine.

"Cum for me. Make wet... in my face."

"God, you're gonna ruin my ladyboner by saying shit like that!"

A few more masterful circles of his tongue however, and you do cum, gripping the boards for dear life.

"Grab my--" he murmurs, "Grab my hair, love it when it's-- oh, tugged--"

Your hands fly to his hair, and you tug the short black locks as he fucks you with his tongue through your orgasm. Giving you a moment to breathe, he flashes his dark glare up between your legs, eyes shining almost demonically in the dark.

"Fuck me, Brian," you breathe. He crawls up on top of you, holding you by your shoulders as he guides his dick between your legs. When he finally pushes in, he gives a grunt as you moan, wrapping your legs around his ass.

"So fucking good," he groans, and you bite into his shoulder.

"Ohhh yeah, oh yeah," you moan, and he suddenly pulls out.

"Back on your hands and knees, kitten." You obey this time, fucked out but wanting more. He smacks your ass again, and you moan, wiggling back. He spanks you again, and again, and you bite your fist. "Nah, nah," he whispers, "I wanna hear you. Get fuckin' loud, scream it out."

You very nearly scream as he spanks you again, and presses soft kisses up your back, turning into hickies by the top between your shoulder blades.

"Wanna ride you," you breathe. Wordlessly, he lays down, and you roll over top of him, getting into reverse cowgirl position. With another gasp, you sink down over his big cock, and roll your hips.

"That's good," he groans, "Fuckkkk yeah, that's good."

"Daddy, daddy--" you gasp.

"Daddy's gonna make you cum," he whispers, reaching up and around to squeeze your breast. He sits up, so that his chest is pressed to your back, and the angle makes you moan even louder. "I gotchu," he whispers in your ear, "I gotchu, I gotchu, gonna take real good care of you... cause you're takin real good care of me..."

You nearly sob as you reach back and grab his hair, and he sinks his teeth into your shoulder as you had done with him. You feel a bit of blood drip, and cum hard. Marilyn increases his pace as he feels you gush around his cock, pounding you harder than ever. Skin slaps against skin as he fucks you on his lap, and your orgasm keeps burning through you as he mumbles growled-out words of praise.

When you finally come back down to earth, he's pressing kisses to the bite mark, which felt good in the moment, but stings like hell now.

"Guess you're a real fucking vampire, Manson," you giggle. He nuzzles his nose into your neck, laughing.

[bapydemonprincess]

A Human Trap

There’s a huge forest somewhere, and a lone human living in the middle of it, hunting and killing whatever he pleases...

-----

Todd stretched and groaned as he finally got up from his old rocking chair, smiling and breathing in the crisp night air.

This winter was sure to be a doozie, but Todd knew he was well prepared.

Dozens upon dozens of frozen meats of all kinds were stored in his nice little cellar. Duck, pheasant, turkey, deer, moose, and even fish as well.

He’d also kept many a nice fur hide or two and made them into coats and quilts and rugs! It was almost like living in a lap of luxury for Todd!

And no one was even around to give him a single gripe about it!

Sure, there were once in a while a coupla stragglers, folks who either got curious, lost, or heard rumors most likely, but they were easy to deal with.

Humans were even easier to hunt than animals sometimes.

So Todd felt no threats. Even before he became well armored, loaded with traps of his own custom making, and an expert shot with his ol’ friend Vicky (A lovely little Browning Superposed shotgun), he’d let the forest itself do its job of taking on the riffraff.

This forest had also felt like his old friend, hiding him from all else, and supplying him with everything he needed.

And no matter the season, it stayed that way, considering there was nothin’ but big old evergreens for miles and miles.

“Goodnight, pretty thing.” He couldn’t help mumbling to it, smirking like a fool in love, and heading for the front door.

As the door closed and everything grew considerably more quiet, except for the soft chirps of crickets still trying to enjoy the last of fall and the whispering hiss of the wind through the branches of the trees, another noise came from somewhere in that darkness amongst the forest.

A simple little hiss of a voice.

“... Goodnight, Todd...”

....

...

..

After that, it was as if even the wind and the crickets froze up in shock, not expecting there to be suddenly something new amongst them. Something not of that forest truly; Not an animal, not an insect, not a human.... not exactly anyway...

Black goop suddenly seemed to pour out of a crease between to evergreens, spilling out and spreading quickly.

But it had an end and that end separated from the shadows of the trees, as the thing that was a simply a black blob on the ground made its way closer to the little old house in the clearing. It would almost remind one of the shadow of a big fish in the water, circling and gliding along.

Once up the porch steps and in front of the door, it started to change, though. It morphed up and up into a small, human-like shape. It looked like a pre-teen or so of some kind.

Dark skin even darker in the night, exposed and not perturbed by the cool late fall wind in only a soft white cotton shirt, the human-like person also had simple plain dark blue pants, rolled up at the ends a bit, though.

And on their little feet, toes strangely colored in black, were only wearing simple sandals.

The person stared at the door, hands up and entwined together by their chest, slightly wringing as if they were unsure and uncertain of something.

They looked behind them briefly, back at the forest, bright shimmering red eyes staring at the trees as if they could ask it “Are you sure about this?” or something like that.

Finally, taking a breath in and out, the little one raised a hand.. and knocked on the door.

....

There was no response at first, just a soft whooshing going through the area, reminding the youth that they were most certainly alone right now. On a stranger’s property. On a stranger’s porch. In front of a stranger’s door.

Trying to get a stranger’s attention.

Swallowing, they tried knocking again. Harder.

And this time they heard it. The tromping of booted feet, the loud ruffling of someone moving and/or getting on clothes, and then the STOP of all the commotion when the other reached the other side of the front door.

Tiny keen ears also heard a soft clicking and clattering of something that was likely a weapon.

“Who issit?!” The man finally spoke, voice cracking with age and nerves that were tense and rattled.

This scenario had certainly never happened before...

“Uh- um, I was wondering if you could come out... a-and talk to me, please?” The younger one asked, raising their voice an awful lot higher than they were used to, and it showed in a crack here and there in their tone.

...

Todd went a lot slower and quieter this time, slipping over to the side window to carefully lift the curtain and get a peek of who the hell could be out there at this time of night, and with a voice like that.

But peeking out at his porch, he froze up instantly.

The kid had turned right there to look right back at him.

“THE FUCK?!” Todd shrieked out and stumbled back, staring at just the window now as if it was the one to blame.

.... But, wait. WHY was he suddenly so utterly frightened?! Yeah, that little squirt out there had surprised him in doing that, but... this was HIS property, dammit! HIS house!

“...Whattaya want from me, kid?” He called out again, shotgun firmly in front of him, even if there was no way a little rugrat could open a double bolted door that was also made of thick wood.

“Just to ask you somethin’.” Aarushi responded, staring up at him where they stood beside him now, hands demurely laced together behind their back.

Immediately following this came a scream of absolute horror as well as FOUR shotgun blasts in a row.

“...HOW DARE HE!!!” Sebastian Michaelis snarled and was about to shoot out of his and Agni’s hiding spot in the forest, until Agni himself latched onto the demon he deemed his love and held on as tight as he could.

“Whoa whoa whoa whoa, calm, Sebastian! Caaaalm!!” Agni hissed frantically “You and I both know Aarushi can withstand bullets now, almost just as well as you!”

“THAT DOES NOT MAKE HIM ACTUALLY SHOOTING MY PRECIOUS KITTEN AT POINT BLANK RANGE ANY MORE BLOODY ACCEPTABLE!!!”

“Shhhh, moonlight. Everything will be alright. We trained them for this. We knew what could happen. They knew what could happen. It will be fine.”

Sebastian had stilled but was certainly not done growling and baring his fangs as he glowered out at the house. And not even Agni’s soft, soothing petting could help him this time.

Aarushi stood stock still after the racket died down, not even breathing.

Todd on the other hand was having quite a tizzy at the moment, huffing and puffing and shaking in place.

His eyes darted around and what he could see in the dim light was.. four holes, all in various places around his living room.

And not a single one had hit the child standing in front of him.

He lowered the gun just a bit, staring now in utter horror of the.... thing in his house that most definitely could not be a human child.

“Wh-wh-what the hell do you want?!” He hollered, but did nothing else this time.

Aarushi opened their mouth, then closed it just as quickly. Their little eyebrows knit and they clenched their fists at their sides and looked down at the floor.

“Um.. well, I wanted t-to ask you if um, what I was told about you was... was true.”

Todd just stared some more.

...

“Are... are you a hunter? Are you.. killin’ lots of animals around here, Sir?”

Todd’s face morphed more and more into utter confusion.

“Uhh, well uh... ye-yes..?” He answered, but ended it in a question for some reason or another. He just didn’t know what the hell else to say or do now! What was going on?! Was this just a dream he was having? Oh lord, he hoped so...

The child tilted their head, also looking confused now.

“All of the animals around here? Even the squirrels and chipmunks and tiniest fishes in the ponds and running streams?”

“I- I-  Well, yeah! I hunt what I want and when I want!” Todd found himself managing to gush out, his mind just gradually adapting to whatever the hell this was and going with the flow. “There ain’t no one around ‘cept for me, after all, so I figured I might as well.. do what I want!”

“Stop it.”

Todd froze up at the sudden change of tone from the child’s mouth.

“I- I beg your- your pardon..?”

“Stop it.” Aarushi simply said again, eyes still huge but now glowing in the dark, and pupils in the middle slimming down to almost thin lines. “Stop killing and harming the innocent free spirits of this forest; the old and the young; the big and the small,” Aarushi’s lips curled down in a snarl no one that knew them had ever truly seen, teeth sharping in their mouth to fine points in the process. “the animals and the humans.”

Todd’s heart was now pounding in his ears and ready to jump straight outta his chest. What the fuck kinda nightmare was this, some kinda message from some forest god or some such shit?! He tried to speak, or at least wet his lips again and try to make something come out that could be considered english.

“I-I-I was just- just tryin’ to survive myself! To- to just.. live and- and flourish, y’know?! Just like- like everythin’ el--”

“YOU BROUGHT MAN-MADE TRAPS INTO THE FOREST, TRAPS YOU DESIGNED YOURSELF, TODD. YOU HAVE HUNTED THESE CREATURES DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND HAVE ALSO HUNTED THE INNOCENT, LOST HUMANS WHO KNEW NOT WHAT THEIR FATE WOULD BE!”

The form of the child, while speaking these words in this ethereal bellow and beginning to slowly step closer and closer to the man, began to morph, and do so as if they were made of nothing but some kind of liquid. Their sandals disappeared, feet growing and nails on toes elongating. The same size change happened to the rest of them, till they were just inches from the ceiling. Arms longer, hands and fingers stretched out, now sporting what could only be black claws, strange beaded bracelets dangling from wrists, and then something like fabric was forming around these appendages, covering up hands almost. A robe enveloped their entire form, and yet still their head remained uncovered. Once short curly black hair now elongating too and twisting up into a thin, long braid at their back. And finally, at the creature’s back was something sprouting out that could only be not one, but two pairs of black feathered wings. And at the crown of their curly head, two black horns emerged..

The creature was now glowering down at the trembling mortal man with a scalding, enraged look that no human, and certainly no child could’ve ever pulled off.

“This is not your land, mortal. This land belongs to no one but Mother Earth herself, and the animals she gave it to centuries ago.”

And then the creature changed it’s language to something else.

“Even the great Goddess Kali would not show such a cruel human a single ounce of pity.” Aarushi hissed in Hindi, the very first language they’d learned to speak out loud.

After having witnessed this entire scene and having only managed to move just a bit back as the creature came looming closer, Todd somehow managed to muster up enough brain power to twitch his shotgun right into position aaaand... 

BANG.

Bits and pieces of the thing’s face and what looked like red, human blood went flying as the bullet hit it straight in the middle of the forehead.

As the creature started to make more ghastly noises at this new predicament, Todd bolted as fast as he could for the door, scrambling to unlock it as he recalled the goddamn thing hadn’t even gotten in that way somehow!

He kept looking back though, seeing the monster grabbing and clawing its face, blood streaming down black cheeks. But the blood seemed to be coming from it’s eyes not the wound in it’s head. Was it crying BLOOD, now?!

No time to think anymore on that. He got the last lock off and swung open the door, nearly inhaling the night air as fast as he could as if oxygen could help him get outta this.

But as he stumbled down the porch stairs, he heard it behind him, coming in HOT!

“GET AWAY, GET THE FUCK AWAY!!!” He finally shrieked out, turning around and trying to aim and shoot again.

But this time the creature whom he’d only seen take a few steps in the past, LUNGED OFF THE PORCH and tackled him down.

It’s weight felt like a million goddamned blankets all at once, and Todd also felt the vibrations of it’s growl that it was making, and he faintly recognized that as something similar to a big cat.

There was movement on the side of him, and Todd looked over to see some kind of black tentacle had grabbed his faithful shotgun, was raising it, and now crushed it as easy as a tin can. Then threw it off somewhere, to be forgotten and never used again.

Looking back up into the black hellish face inches from him, Todd saw the wound that was once clear as day in that forehead was now totally gone, and indeed the blood had been coming from those horrible big red eyes. It still was coming from them. Leaking down and dripping blood everywhere.

“Do you have any last words you wish to say, Todd? Before you are nothing but an empty husk in the ground? Fertilizing the Earth you so abused?”

“I... I...” Todd looked around, though he could not really see anything. Nothing but the creature’s face right there and a bit of the black sky above them, stars so itty bitty and so meaningless... “I’m- I’m sorry!” He cried, the first thing he could think of. “I’m sorry, I really am! I didn’t know I- I’d upset someone like this! I didn’t know I’d been so bad!! Please! Please just... show mercy! I... I swear I’ll be good, I’ll be better! I’ll stop harmin’ and killin’. I’ll-”

“S-Stop.” 

The beast suddenly stuttered, and the tone sounded almost... almost like that child’s voice again. Their big toothy mouth now crinkled up into a small frown, trembling. Were they... actually crying now? They shook their head back and forth and narrowed their eyes further, looking almost in pain instead of mad.

“You’re.... You’re lying.”

Aarushi nearly whimpered.

“... Just like.... Mamma said you would.”

And before the mortal man Todd could even make another sound in response to this, Aarushi dove in, and finally took out what they’d come here for.

Still crying and whimpering softly, Aarushi sat up straight and held the familiar looking orb of bright light in both if their big hands.

Wait... big hands..?

Aarushi suddenly froze up, shakily staring at their own arms and hands and then down further at the rest of themselves.

“AAAA!!!” They yelped and the soul went flying, while Aarushi went scooting away and curling up into themselves.

....

Sebastian felt like facepalming but quickly took the better route and ran out of the forest to comfort his little kitten.

“Oh sweetie, it’s alright! You’re fine! This is normal!” He told them, scooping up the soul as well in one free hand.

“I-I’ve NEVER looked like THIS BEFORE!! WHY?!” Aarushi wailed.

“Oh my little tiger cub, there is nothing to fret over,” Agni came forward as well, kneeling down and.. hesitating a moment as he saw the blood coming from their eyes. “.. I believe your Mother speaks the truth, sweet one.” He lowered his voice further and took out a handkerchief to help soak up some of the bloody tears. “This form may be new to you, but it is yours all the same. It is how you are meant to be. Do not fear your self.”

Sniffling, Aarushi finally uncovered their eyes and finally looked back again at the soul hovering in their Mamma’s grasp. Almost perfectly still as if it were a piece of art, and Sebastian was the proud artist.

But no, Sebastian moved the glowing thing closer...

“You have earned this, kitten. Please.”

Although Aarushi could not fathom the logic of “earning” a human’s soul, they sighed and lifted those strange black clawed hands, letting Mamma put the soul in them.

They now stared down the glowing thing, as they had many others they’d been fed before... But each and every one had had a different taste.

.. And Aarushi had an inkling they knew this one’s taste would certainly not be the best out of them all.

But nonetheless they brought it up close and opened their mouth, already feeling the pull from both themselves and the soul; It was strange, like there was a straw there to suck up a liquid like chocolate milk or something, but there was nothing.

And soon the light was gone, and Aarushi was feeling it, already taking root inside the half of them that needed it. Could taste it.

And oh.. the.. taste...

So. 

Much. 

Sin.

Aarushi started violently shaking, face scrunching up, and mouth opening. But no loud noises this time. No screams, either. Just broken, choked squeaks.

This man had been even worse than Aarushi had been told about. Things were surfacing from his soul that even other humans would probably be horrified to know about him. Things.. a child like Aarushi really shouldn’t have had to see or know of.

It boiled inside them, like thick greasy oil and tar and it was so bad that Aarushi finally tore themselves away from their Mother and hunched over on the ground, hands supporting them, and started heaving....

“Aarushi, NO!” Sebastian cried when he realised what his kitten was trying to do. He forced them back up, even as they struggled and flailed and grabbed their own abdomen like they wanted to tear it open and take the soul out that way.

“Please, listen to me, Aarushi! I know you are suffering from whatever it is you taste, but you must keep that soul down! You MUST! It will be USELESS to ANYONE if you throw it back up now! It has already been altered by being inside you!”

“It’s- it’s the worst!! Please! Mamma!! PLEASE! I DON’T WANNA SEE ANYMORE!!”

Aarushi continued on as the soul was absorbed into them for quite a while, for it took a long time to be fully absorbed when the human who had possessed it was not only very old, but had also had quite a lot of life changing experiences.

And though Sebastian did not wish for his precious only child to suffer, he knew all demons, including himself, went through these experiences of eating a soul that truly went against their pallet. 

And yet... energy was energy. And it was necessary for a demon so young to keep going.

He stood from the ground finally, cradling his kitten who had resorted to their human form close, like he hand many, many times before, and looked to Agni.

It was time to go home.

Go home, where Aarushi could curl up in bed with their many dozen soft plush bunnies and Miss Bunny, and Mamma and Pappa right there on both sides too, and continue to deal with the outcome of this experience.

It would take a long time this time, Sebastian and Agni knew, but they would be there all the way..

For though the results of this were not the best, what had transpired and lead to this had surely shown the two parents that their little one was learning and growing and soon... maybe soon.. they would find souls that they would enjoy eating.

And no more Todds.

[dtissagirl]

I fought the war but the war won

Warning: all the spoilers for Avengers: Endgame.

OF COURSE I have no doubt Natasha would sacrifice herself for the world in a heartbeat.

And between her and Clint, it's obvious her thinking is he can have a future with his ~family~, and she's obviously been insanely isolated these last five years, and filled with regret, and sacrificing herself for her found family [and saving the universe in the process] is worth it for her.

But my problem is I don't acknowledge the existence of Clint's family because that's a dumbass story idea from the worst movie ever GO AWAY LINDA CARDELLINI.

And watching Nat and Clint back together made my heart ache because those two belong together -- romantically if you prefer it so, but mainly together as in partners that work insanely well together in a fictional narrative. They have had this lived-in chemistry from the first Avengers, and I didn't realize how much I had missed it until this movie.

[Fuck Joss Whedon with a cactus forever.]

[Someone make me that Black Widow movie and show me Budapest. I DESERVE IT.]

...

And then the scene with all the dudes in the lake angry-mourning Nat looks REALLY REALLY BAD because the only thing that emotionally rings out of that scene is HOLY SHIT THEY FUCKING KILLED THE ONLY WOMAN OH MY GOD PLEASE END ALL MEN WRITING SUPERHERO STORIES BECAUSE THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HORRIBLE THE OPTICS ARE WHEN THEY FUCKING KILL THE ONLY ORIGINAL WOMAN AVENGER IN THE FIRST HALF OF THE MOVIE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO CELEBRATE THEIR LEGACY. HOLY FUCK.

...

Holy motherfucking shitballs what they did to Thor was a supreme case of extreme fatphobia. So fucking embarrassing. And they could have done the exact same depression/PTSD shit without a fat suit. Fatness is NOT a character flaw, and for this movie to think it's okay to portray it as such, and for most people in the audience to not even realize how horrible this is... well, that's the fatphobic world we live in everyday wherein thin people don't realize how fucking horrible they are about fatness ALL THE TIME. Ugh.

And hey, I think Hemsworth is a comedic genius at this point, and I'm super glad Hollywood at large has realized he can run circles of funny and comic timing around everybody else [THANKS, GHOSTBUSTERS!], but the fat suit soured it forever in this movie.

...

Look, I know at this point Goop is a hazardous danger to women's health at large, and call me a hypocrite for separating actor and character this particular time when I usually don't, but I love and adore and cherish Pepper Potts with all my heart.

SHE is the reason I'm so connected to the MCU. My hook wasn't any of the superheroes, it was Pepper in the first Iron Man movie. She's the glue that has made me engage with this universe so deeply for the last ten years. All the fanart, all the fic, all the fanworks ever I've created or consumed in the last decade, it has been all about how much I adore Pepper.

And to see her in the Rescue armor in the final battle, I just. I wasn't expecting it. I hadn't even thought it was ever gonna happen, but THIS was the true culmination of the past ten years for me. From now on, I can say it without a doubt every single time someone asks me who's my favorite Avenger. It's Pepper Potts.

[I also kept thinking about my friend S. She would have been so fucking ecstatic about this. It hit me right in the face when Pepper showed up in battle -- I so dearly wish S were here to see this.]

...

Okay, so, disclaimer: I don't have a horse in the Steve Rogers 'shipping infinity wars. I crack 'ship Steve with Maria Hill forever and ever because they would make the prettiest babies on the planet and I don't even like babies. The only part of Ultron that I acknowledge is Maria wearing Steve's jacket at the party. It's the ONLY thing that happened in that movie, NOTHING ELSE DID.

And I don't even blame Steve in any of this mess, to be honest.

The problem here is structural. The narrative went OUT OF THIS WAY to establish HOW time-travel works in this universe. They even got all gloat-y about how every movie ever made was wrong about the ~quantum physics~ of it. They even had bald Tilda Swinton MAKE A POWER POINT PRESENTATION about the rules of time travel.

They set up ONE very specific rule -- changing the past doesn't alter one's own future, it creates a separate timeline of events. O-kay. Pretty simple rule.

...And then Old!Cap who looks scarily like Joe Biden broke that one rule.

Because he did. He went back in time and put all the stones in their proper place in the timeline[1]... and *after that* he went back to the 40s to live happily ever after with Peggy[2], THUS ***CHANGING THE PAST*** and *****CREATING AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE*****.

So there's no. fucking. possible. way. he could have grown old in the original timeline.

And like. They could have fixed that by having Joe Biden Old!Cap legit come back IN THE TIME TRAVEL SUIT IN THE QUANTUM PLATFORM. THAT WOULD HAVE FIXED THIS PROBLEM. But they didn't, so they broke their own story.

And the consequence of this fuck up is... Steve a horrible person. [And even writing that makes me sad because he isn't? He wouldn't ever?] But by breaking their story and their own time-travel rules, it fucks up Steve so badly I wanna cry. So what, he lived a whole life in this same timeline, and did nothing to change anything? Did he marry the future DIRECTOR OF SHIELD and never told her about Hydra? About Bucky? Did he open a newspaper one day and read that Howard and Maria Stark died in a car accident and went, oops? Did he pretend he was sick when his wife told him she was going to the funeral of her lifelong friend?

Do you see how badly it looks? It's bad. The Steve I know and love doesn't deserve this. Please go punch the Russos in the face, Cap.

Notes:

[1] HOW did Steve even put the stones in jewel form back in their proper places in the timeline when they stole the Tesseract in cube form, the mind stone with the scepter, the whatever stone that was they got from Star Lord that was inside an orb... HOW do you even put the soul stone back, like, does Cap go to Vormir and goes, oh hey, RED SKULL MY OLD BUDDY, MY OLE TIME FELLA, here's your soul stone back? Does he get Natasha back for the stone? Isn't it a soul for a soul? Does it work in reverse too?

[2] Hey, so if Steve lived happily ever after with Peggy in this timeline did he erase her future kids? This is Barry Allen levels of fuckupdness, Steve. Gah. And also -- I would pay actual monies to watch time-traveler Steve explain to Peggy that after he went to her funeral he kissed her niece. This is why I 'ship Steve with Maria Hill, man. No complications. Only pretty.

Also: STEVE ROGERS ERASED THE ENTIRETY OF THE AGENT CARTER TV SHOW. That's pretty unforgivable, man. They even had TV show Jarvis right there in this movie driving Tony's dad around in the 70s to make THIS BETRAYAL hurt more.

...

Four hours after I watched the movie I remembered Tony died and started ugly crying again. I'm glad he had those five years of a good life, I'm so glad he had a kid -- that kid, so obviously HIS kid it hurt, I'm so glad Pepper and Rhodey and Peter were there with him in his last moments. I'm glad he got the proper hero death. It still hurts like a son of a bitch.

...

Professor Hulk is a forever delight and he and I need to become besties so we can talk about quantum physics and eat hulkish amounts of breakfast foods every day.

...

I find Thanos to be a complete bore, so every time he sat and started monologuing I stopped paying attention because I DESERVE TO NOT have to listen to giant purple incels pretending they ~know best~ about anything.

But I did appreciate that there was a difference in tone. This was 2014 Thanos, before he went full on cray cray with the monologuing, so he spoke less [bless], and he went full nihilist I AM GOING TO DESTROY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE instead of only half of it ~for balance~ or whatever. Because Infinity Wars tried to make it like Thanos wanting to kill 50% of the universe had some sort of ~logic~ behind it, and that was way too close to ~both sides~ shit, and, no, son. Him wanting to destroy EVERYTHING put him in the right proper category of batshit crazy bananapants deranged, and that's where he should have been ALL ALONG, no ~he has a point~ arguments ever valid, he doesn't, he never did, shut the fuck up.

...

I actually really really enjoyed the pacing of this movie. Granted, I'm not stupid and I took a muscle relaxant beforehand so that I could sit still for one hundred and eighty two fucking minutes, but I honestly didn't feel it drag at all at any time [and I felt all the other Avengers movies drag at some point or another].

I appreciated it so much that the set up for the final battle took waaaaay longer than the final battle. [I know people go ga-ga for battle scenes, but eh. I prefer my superheroes as pretty people who talk really fast, and battles make them stop talking.]

My favorite sequence was the revisiting of the previous movies. I loved every single piece of it, and I know in my heart that I'm gonna rewatch those sequences over and over and over again for the rest of forever. THE CAP 2 ELEVATOR SCENE REENACTMENT BUT NOT REALLY OH MY GOD THAT WAS GLORIOUS.

Also Loki stealing the Tesseract [again!] was aces. Sure it was to set up extra time-travel shenanigans, but still. Loki and the Tesseract belong together. Please let this be the premise of the Disney+ series.

...

Even though battle sequences aren't really my thing, I would like to express my DEEP ABIDING LOVE for the part when all the women got together to help Peter move the Big Glove of Kitsch towards the van. My packed theater clapped so hard. I cried.

...

HOW DOES PETER PARKER GO BACK TO SCHOOL FIVE YEARS LATER AND HIS BUDDY IS STILL THERE DID HIS BUDDY FLUNK HIGH SCHOOL FIVE YEARS IN A ROW? WHAT?

...

Also Cap and the Hammer, the actual true love story of this movie. Thor's little "I knew it". I knew it too, buddy.

...

I'm gonna need Marvel to release the behind the scenes footage of the filming of Tony's funeral. I hope the cast had an actual party right there, all somberly dressed in black and everything.

...

After a full season of 22 episodes of television in a movie screen, this was a pretty great finale. Congrats on making the most expensive tv show of all time, Marvel. Excelsior!

[vmheadquarters]

What Goes Around... (Part 26)

This is PART 26 of a story that is being told in segments by twenty-seven different authors, campfire-style. Each author will take over the story with no prior planning and then pass it on after putting their own spin on it! Expect the unexpected! :)  You can check our vmhq campfire tale tag for all of the previous installments or read the story as it develops on AO3. — Part 26 is written by @ghostcat3000  

[Part 25]

Neptune is not a large town. A person could drive around and hit all the important corners in a little over an hour. They wouldn’t even need to speed. On one side, the ocean and the bended pines, the glassy, silvery wide half moon of a cove, surfers bobbing out to greet the waves, ducking their heads under the spume-curl. The other side—dry canyon brush, curved roads and boxy one-level ranch houses, stuck in some 1980’s decor time warp. To the south, all the poors and college kids living together in what passes for the hood in Neptune; chock full o’ check cashing places and liquor stores, always on the brink of conversion to cold coffee cafes and farm-to-table restaurants. Northside: formerly trailer parks and large undeveloped plots, now home to several boutique farms and wineries.

Most of them are closed now, all those grapes drying on the vine. Only one still in operation; the Van Vliet Winery. Running, not on grapes and weddings, but promise. The promise of power, the chance to get finally end up on top and win. Miles from Neptune’s center but seemingly a world away—no lights, no reception, only darkness and an occasional ribbon of warm wind—the epicenter of the revolution.

“Yo, Rubster. You have a great ass but HOLY SHIT, do you talk a lot.”

Ruby sighs and spins around, her long arms hanging loose at her sides. “Point is, we are out in the middle of fucking nowheresville. Our phones don’t work. We’re completely cut off from civilization. The pink zombie apocalypse could be happening, like, right now, and there’d be no way for us to know.”

“In the vineyard, no one can hear you thcream,” Sean lisps, then coughs, spitting down into the dry dirt beneath them. Somewhere between here and the tunnels, he appears to have lost another tooth. He brings up his hands to his face and rubs his nose with his palms; a frantic up and down scratch.

Dick flicks the back of Sean’s head with his free, non-gun-carrying hand. “No one asked for your input, douchecanoe. We're the ones with the firepower. Your job is to lead us to the girl and hope you get a plea deal.”

“What are we going to do when we find Katie? We can’t call for help and who knows when Logan will be back.” Ruby spins and stops, holding her cell phone at different angles. “Seriously what is the deal with the reception?” She casts a withering glance at Sean. “You realize this means you can’t call anybody either? You are not good at being bad guys.”

Sean shrugs. “The thell phone tower died. About three monthth ago. The community took the Van Vliets to court. Apparently, it wath never thupposed to be there tho it never got reactivated or whatever. We uthe the landlineth.” He tightens his lips together and looks away.

“Cell phone tower?” Ruby frowns.

Sean jerks his head forward, sighing with something like relief. “We’re headed right for it.”

Dick peers into the darkness. “That’s a tree, dude.”

“No. It’th not. It’th a thell phone tower dethigned to look like part of the foliage. It died. We don’t know why.” He rubs his nose again.

Ruby takes out a pair of binoculars from her Veronica bag. She peers through them, the wrong way around. “Is Katie near the cell tower?”

Sean doesn’t answer, keeps trudging along, rubbing his nose. Dick shoves him.

“Hey, numbnuts. Talk.”

“Yeth.”

Ruby lurches alongside Sean. She’s taller than he is, so the effect is predatory but also comical. “You had her here the whole time? Why?”

“Yeah, dude. Why run the risk of having her be found by the people you’re hiding her from? Where's the foresight?” Ruby and Sean stop walking near-simultaneously, turning slowly towards Dick.

“Hey,” Ruby says, stretching the vowels like a rubber band, approaching Dick. “You feeling okay?”

“Totes McGoats. But seriously, so much of this whole super soldier plan doesn’t make sense. You’re a sleazoid drug dealer-” “Video director,” Sean hisses.

“Sleazoid drug dealin’ video director. Who is more likely to be snorting the merchandise than selling it amirite?” Dick sniffs for effect.

“He’s got a point.”

“I’ve been clean for two months.” Sean pauses. “Okay, one.” He resumes the violent nose scratching.

Dick puts the gun down at his feet, digs around his front jean pocket, pulls out his weed and papers, and quickly rolls up with an exacting efficiency. He lights the joint and takes a deep drag, pausing to look at his fingers, smell them and shrug. “None of this adds up. You’re a joke, bro. You know who else is a joke? Your pharmacist. Mad Scientist Barbie creating super soldiers by day and clubbing with the rest of the ‘09ers at night? Her brother? Pass. Liam Fitzpatrick? As a recruiter? According to Logan, that guy is a psychopath who can barely run a mob, much less a globetrotting merc-creation operation.” He pauses to laugh. “That rhymed. Boss.”

He licks his teeth and takes another hit, “The whole using the near-abandoned winery as a base of operations is solid. I’ll give you that. This place is isolated as fuck and if anyone stumbles over here by accident, they’d be easy to contain. Throw ‘em in the tunnels. Wait. Are there..whatchamacallit...floor plans for the tunnels? There's gotta be a bigger section we missed.”

“Floor planth?” Sean’s eyes trained on the gun at Dick’s feet.

“Yeah, like a room where, if this wasn't a weird ass Bond-meets-Living-Dead movie type of winery, but like a romantic comedy with Ryan Reynolds as me and I’m at a wedding and I found the perfect underground room full of wine barrels to bang the bridesmaid played by the hot Swedish chick in Mr. Robot.” Dick pauses to do some pelvic thrusts and mimed ass slaps. He stops and points at Sean. “Blueprints. That's the word. How much you wanna bet we find a whole room of pink goo coffins up in that bitch? Whaaaat.”

Ruby motions to the joint burning between Dick’s pinkish fingers, “Can I have some of that? Keep talking.”

He passes the joint to Ruby. She takes a hit and nods. He returns her nod with a slower nod.

“This operation is half genius and half muy ‘est-too-pih-toe’. The parts don't match. Taking a little girl as a hostage. That does sound like a mob thing. Intimidation and whatnot. Is it long-term though?” Dick squints and grimaces. “Not really. But keeping her here, keeping her close? Knowing exactly where to hold her so that she’s not easily found? By the people providing you with the goods? I don’t know, bro. That’s next level.”

“It wath my idea,” Sean says smugly.

“Sounds fake but okay. The Irish mobster? Chhhyeah, again I'm gonna say no to that too. I can see House of Pain getting into guns to go with his drugs but soldiers? It's too… ambitious.”

“This isn’t working on me like it is on you,” Ruby says, still nodding but returning the joint back to Dick, whose narrowed eyes are nearly shut from the exertion of his thoughts. “Why Nice Guys?”

“Why Nice Guys? Dude, that's one of the parts I don’t get. They won’t be loyal, like all good soldiers need to be, all they want is revenge. But what would Fitzpatrick know about that? I think what really happened is Toothless and his pals decided to…what do you call it when you try to make stuff cooler?”

He snaps his fingers and Ruby jumps up.

“Ooh. Innovate?”

“Yeah. That. Like I said, not smart. Know your workforce.”

Sean sighs. “I read Flowerth for Algernon. It doethnt end well.”

“Whatevs, nerd. There’s got to be better options. Like cops. Neptune’s got plenty. Or actual soldiers maybe. Like Logan. You just gotta get ‘em all here at once. Dump the goop on them and BOOM, army, yo.”

“Dick.” Ruby says, her eyes going wide.

“Whoa. This is some good shit, right. I feel like, smart.”

“Can I be high too?”

“Shut it, Sean. Unless you can explain everything this-” Ruby bats her eyes at Dick. “...wise man is saying, you’re not allowed to speak.”

She takes the joint back from his outstretched hand and blows the smoke back in his face. “And what about this terrorism stuff happening in San Diego? Are they stealing cops?”

“Maybe it’s the mercs.”

“Maybe. Oh shit. Delayed reaction.” Dick turns to Sean in a slow heel-swivel. “He said community. The community sued the Van Vliets. What community? There’s no community for miles.”

Sean has been shuffling away from them, backwards, in the direction of the dead cell phone tower.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Ruby barks.

“My new tooth thtub is quite sharp.” Sean holds his hands up, they are free of tape. “And you're not going to shoot that gun and draw unnecessary attention to yourself. See you later, moronth.”

He runs for less than a minute. No more, no less, twenty seconds of scurrying and poof. Like a climactic comic book panel, he drops out of sight. Dick doesn't even have enough time to pick up the gun.

“What the fuck.”

Sean’s scream is high, hysterical and also, muted, dampened. Ruby and Dick hesitantly approach the sound.

“The ground ate him.”

Dick gulps. “Are we in a horror movie now?” Absentmindedly, he pinches the ends of his joint, puts it in his front pocket, and picks up the gun.

The closer they get to Sean’s screams the more they see that the part of the road they thought was road was not. It’s a hole, leaves surrounding the edge of the drop. At the bottom, sits Sean, his leg twisted underneath him in a backwards L-shape. His screams are thinning out, turning to whimpers. Next to him is a man, eyes wide and surprised, a sharpened pole going through his neck like a kebab.

“That sucks,” Dick intones.

“Yeah,” Ruby breathes out, a hand at her throat.

“Get me the fuck out of heeeeere!”

Dick leans down to look into the pit. It’s not as deep as he’d previously thought, maybe ten feet. There are roots sticking out of the edges, like little grasping fingers, useless to someone falling in; nothing to stop the descent or hold on to. At the bottom of the pit there is a single line of stakes. Sean managed to miss it when he landed. The other man, not as lucky.

“It’s like those things that cops lay out in the road to blow out tires.” Ruby kneels down alongside him.

“Oh yeah, but like huge.”

“It's kind of cool.”

“What the fuck! There’s a dead body in here. I know this guy. GET ME OUT.”

Ruby takes out a pair of eyeglasses from her bag and puts them on. She peers down into the pit. “I don’t see a ladder. Do you, Dick?”

“Nope.”

“COME ON.”

“Sorry, Stubby. We can’t get down there.”

Sean’s whimpers become sobs. Ruby digs into her bag and pulls out a small pack of kleenex, she throws it in. “I guess since you didn’t know about the Death Pit, you’re less in the know than you thought.”

“What she said.”

Ruby shoots Dick a baleful look. “Sean. We can’t get you out right now. But you need to keep your part of the bargain. Tell us where Katie is so we can go get her. Once we do that, we’ll come back with help. Okay?”

A small, broken little yes rises up. Ruby straightens up and dusts her hands. “Where are we going?”

“Thraight ahead. To the thell phone tower. Thereth a thmall cabin behind it, hidden in the pineth.”

“Thank you, Sean. I promise, we will come back.”

Ruby takes Dick’s arm and they walk around the pit. Dick leans in and whispers in her ear. “We’re not though, right?”

“Ugh, you smell like pee.”

Dick does his best Blue Steel. “Are you negging me right now? ‘Cause it’s working, babe.”

Without discussing it, they start walking by the side of the road. Shoulder to shoulder, tight and quiet. Before long, Sean’s whimpers can barely be heard; ahead of them, where the taller trees give way to a small clearing, there’s the faint sound of music. Dick points the gun in front of them, completely focused.

“I wish I had a gun too,” Ruby murmurs.

“I wish I had a crossbow. And a red turtle shell.”

Ruby shushes him, but holds his free hand tight enough to hurt. They arrive.

Up close, the disguised cell phone tower looks less like a pine tree and more like an enormous mascara brush. At the top of the tower, jutting out from the fake greenery are the metal arms, useless and rusted. A tiny white cement house sits at the base of the cell tower, a squat square behind a locked fence.

Dick tests the strength of the fence. “Should we bust in?”

“No, we need to find the house where they’re keeping Katie.”

The music they’d heard from the path comes from behind the trees. As they get closer, the melody becomes recognizable.Tell it to my heart, tell me I’m the only one, is it really love or just a game? a woman moans, with the urgency of a UTI at Sunday brunch.

“That is not cool.” Ruby whispers and straightens the set of her shoulders, as if preparing to charge, walking towards the trees and the darker darkness beyond them.

The cabin is painted in shades of muted browns and grays, and seeing it, head on, it looks tiny. It isn’t until they’re right up to it, that they realize that as narrow as it is in the front, it goes deep. It’s mostly dark, except for the windows which glow dimly behind red curtains. There's a pick-up truck parked there, the tire tracks in the mud behind it showing a large curving last minute turn.

The song ends. A few moments later, it starts again. Dick and Ruby nod at each other and approach the front, silent and fast. Dick gets there first and when he puts his hand on the handle of the screen door, he turns to Ruby and holds up his hand. Stop. She doesn’t. When he steps inside, she goes right after.

The walls are wood paneled and the floors are hardwood as well. Bob Ross-style paintings hang on the wall and an incongruously cheery beige-and-brown plaid couch facing the door, a red velvet pillow stitched with the words Shattered Dreams. Across from the couch, a TV set to a Spotify playlist with only one song, Tell It To My Heart blares. Free from the outside vista, the volume is even more unnerving.

Dick goes over to the television and picks up a remote, looks at the buttons, then points it at the screen. Ruby rushes over, “Don’t-”

He clicks it off. “What?”

A telephone rings out shrilly. Dick shoots into the floor and both of them jerk into high-pitched screams, the sound dying in their throats at the next ring. And the one after that.

“Should we answer it?” Ruby asks, throat dry.

“Fuck no.”

A fourth ring.

“Or maybe yes. Man. I’m too high for this shit.”

“Me too. Give me the gun.”

He hands it to her. Five rings, six, seven. They follow the sound of ringing to a console table in the hallway. It’s got a lime green rotary phone on it; cheerful and strange and utterly terrifying. The ringing stops. Dick picks it up anyway. Even a few steps away, Ruby hears the dial tone. And three soft knocks.

“Whoa, did you hear that?” Dick knocks three times on the receiver. “Hello?”

“No, Dick. It’s coming from down there.” Ruby rushes down the hallway and Dick follows behind. There’s three little knocks again, coming from the last door on the left.

“Whoever you are,” Ruby’s voice pitches a little higher. “Name yourself. We're armed. And dangerous!”

“Yeah, we know kung fu, sucker!” Dick chops at the air with his hands and kicks out.

“Stop it, you buffoon.”

A soft voice, as soft of those knocks says, “Ruby?”

“Katie?! Sweetie? Are you okay?”

“The door is locked. I can’t get out.”

Ruby bends her head and peers at the padlock.

“Hold on, honey. Auntie Ruby will be right back.” She turns to Dick, hands him the gun, saying “Stay here. Put the thing on that keeps it from shooting. Keep her calm,” before rushing down the hall, bag jingling.

Dick slips the gun in his waistband and leans in to speak through the door. “Hey there. What’s up?”

“Hi. Who are you?”

“I’m Dick. Uh, Ruby’s friend.”

“I’m Katie.”

“You okay in there?”

“I’m a little hungry.”

“Bummer.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe we can get a burger or something after this?”

“Okay.”

Ruby returns with a little straw and a hammer. She hands Dick the hammer.

“Step aside.”

She removes a can of air from her purse, shakes it furiously and sticks the straw in. Angling the straw into the lock, she sprays until she drops the can. Using the hem of her t-shirt, she picks it up and sprays some more until the lock goes from silvery to white. Ruby grabs the hammer from Dick and brings it up high and down hard, just once, on the frozen lock, which splits in two pieces and onto the floor.

“Look at you, Rubster McGruber!”

They high five.

“Veronica Mars isn’t the only one with skills,” she drawls, flipping her hair.

With a flourish, fingers spread like a spider, Ruby pushes the door open. Inside, in an old fashioned wheelchair that leans slightly to one side, sits a young girl with long, wavy blonde hair, big brown eyes and a tiny, pointed chin. Ruby bends down and hugs her fiercely.

“How long have you been in here?”

“I don't know. Usually they let me move around the house. But this morning, Andy wheeled me in and said I had to stay here all day. Then that song kept playing and it was horrible.”

“I know, that song gives me nightmares. There's always someone murdering it at Karaoke and not in a good way. Who’s Andy?”

“The man that brings me my food. There's a lady too, Julie. She helped me with bathroom stuff.”

“Gross.”

Ruby kicks Dick in the shin.

Down the hall the phone rings again. They stop and listen, barely breathing. It rings six times, and stops. Dick puckers his lips into a silent, extended no which transforms into a wide grin.

“Hey, I’m remembering that this place sucks and we need to get out of here, pronto.”

“Yeah, let’s. We should use that nightmare phone to call the cops.”

“You can't,” Katie says. “You need a code to dial out.”

“Of course there is. Honey, can this wheelchair get you to the front door?”

“No. They took away my real chair.”

“I see. I’m going to carry you out then. Dick, hold my purse. We’re gonna hotwire that car outside and save this little girl.”

“You got it, hot stuff. You sure you can handle it?”

“I'm stronger than I look. Let's go.”

They speed through the house, Dick leading the way, Ruby close behind with Katie in her arms, and go out the back, through a small kitchen that smells strongly of paint.

It’s cooler outside and when Dick opens the driver’s side door, a very pink Liam Fitzpatrick tumbles out right out onto the ground, eyes open and dried froth around his mouth, dead-as-a-doornail dead.

“Holy shit!”

“Holy shit!” Ruby repeats after Dick, then looks at Katie. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, dad says that all the time.”

“Cool. Cool. Dick, open the passenger side door. Quickly. Katie, sweetie, don’t look at the corpse. At least I think it’s a corpse.”

“It is.” Dick kicks Liam’s body. “Ouch.”

Ruby places the girl into the car, Katie uses her arms to shift to middle of the front seat.

“Dick, check his pockets for car keys. And grab his wallet too. There might be something important in there. Clues and whatnot.”

“Do I have to?” He throws Ruby’s purse next to Katie.

“What?” Ruby says, clicking Katie’s seatbelt in place.

“I said, you have guns, lady. What do you do to stay in shape?”

“Boxing and modern dance.”

Liam Fitzpatrick looks different than his picture in the paper. His hair graying at the temple and while generally trim, the skin on his face sags at the jawline like a bulldog. A pink-hued bulldog, bloated and shockingly bright. One hand clutches the air, a claw, the other is pressed tight in a fist. Near the knuckle, there’s a tiny bit of metal. Dick swallows the nerves and unpeels Fitzpatrick’s swollen fingers back like a gross banana. In the center of his palm are the car keys.

Inside the house, the phone starts ringing again. Staring at Fitzpatrick’s lifeless eyes, Dick sees his own reflection and with every ring, feels less and less like himself. Like he’s disappearing into the sound of the ringtone.

“Did you find them?” Ruby stands next to him, hands at her waist. She blows her hair out of her face and widen her eyes meaningfully.

Dick dangles the keys up to the light.

Inside the house, the phone stops ringing, after five rings this time.

“Is this a countdown?” Ruby swallows. “Don't forget his wallet.”

A phone chimes, closer at hand. A cell phone.

“Dick. Your phone is ringing. Answer your phone. Dick?!”

“What?”

He throws Liam’s wallet at her.

“Your phone!”

He pats his pockets and pulls out his iPhone. The screen reads Unknown Number. Dick hits answer call and locks eyes with Ruby who holds her clasped hands to her mouth.

“Hello?”

“Hi. Uh, is this Dick?”

“Uhyeeees.” Dick nods at Ruby, who nods back, and pulls her phone out of her back pocket.

“Hi, um, I’m Detective Leo D’Amato. We haven’t met.”

“I know you. You’re the dude Veronica was working for. You can’t intimidate me, dude. I know my rights and also that you’re EVIL.”

“What? No. Listen, I’m in the hospital. My partner, Wei Breitski, shot me and left me for dead. I have reason to believe that he’s either running or helping to run some kind of drug operation out of Neptune. Is Veronica okay? Do you know where she is?”

“Yeah, she left with your dirty partner to go find the antidote for the pink goo for Wallace?”

“What? I’ve been trying to call her. I need to speak to her. This is very important. She has to-”

“Wait. How do I know you’re not playing us?”

“Yeah!” Ruby yells.

“Who’s that?”

“Ruby.”

The phone cuts off abruptly. A moment later it rings again. A facetime call.

Dick accepts and Det. D’Amato’s face fills the screen. Half of his face is swollen and he’s got bruises around his eyes, like a panda mask. He’s wearing a hospital gown and is lit in the sad, sallowing way of hospitals.

“You look like shit, bro.”

“Thanks, Dick.”

“How did you have my number?”

“Veronica gave me a list of contact numbers, you were on it.”

“Aaaaw, Ron Ron.”

“Barf.”

“What did you say?”

“Barf. Veronica told me to say that in case you called her Ronnie, Ron Rons or Ronniekin.”

“Bitch knows me. What can I say?”

“Charming.”

“Was that Ron’s too?”

“No, that was me. Look, you don’t have much time. The so-called street uprisings I was told to investigate turned out to be bogus. Falsely reported incidents meant to distract us from the real problem. The-”

Leo’s face freezes.

“Dude, I can’t hear you? See you?”

“-You have to tell Veronica-” Leo cuts out and back in again. “The soldiers will get a modified formula, a refinement to make them dumber, more compliant, less likely to question things.”

“WHOA, I have a solid plan for that. I got this super weed and I’m going to smoke them all up and make them smart again.” The screen freezes on Detective D’Amato’s look of open-mouthed confusion. It unfreezes. “Okay, you do that. I’m going to call in my boys in San Diego and also the couple of guys at the Neptune PD who aren’t-” D’Amato freezes again. “Get as far from that winery as possible. Don’t let-” Freeze. “Pink.” Freeze. “Touch-” Freeze. “Got that?”

“Like almost none of it, dude.”

“Great.”

Ruby snatches the phone from Dick. “Hey, you. I’m Ruby. Give me proof that you’re one of the good guys. How do we know you’re in a real hospital, even? You could be lying.”

D’Amato does a reverse shot and gives them a shot of his hospital room.

“Not good enough. Show me your ass.” “Excuse me?” The phone returns back to his face in time to catch a raised eyebrow.

“Your ass. Show it. If you’re really in a hospital, you’ll be commando under there.”

“Like me!” Dick offers.

“Fine.”

Leo jostles out of frame and there, frozen on the screen, a pale ass cheek.

The Face Time call drops.

“Fuuuuc-I mean-udge,” Ruby looks over her shoulder at Katie. “The battery on my phone crapped out. Can you call anybody?”

Dick goes through his phone list. Logan, Veronica, everybody—nobody picks up.

“Okay. Veronica’s cop friend’s partner is evil. We knew that. She might be dead. I have to save the world.”

“No. Logan is with Veronica. He’ll protect her with his life. Oh no.”

“Oh no.”

“He’ll protect her with his life!” They shout simultaneously and run to the pick-up truck.

They drive back towards the barn by following the tire tracks out to the main road in silence. When the main buildings of the winery become visible, they kill the lights and go off road, wobbling slowly in the dark towards the barn.

“What are we going to do?” Katie asks.

“I don’t know, sweetheart. But Dick might drive you into town. I have to stay.”

“Fuck that! You need to go. I’ll stay.”

“Dick! Language.”

The door to the pick-up truck opens suddenly. Before any of them can scream, the wide-eyed blonde puts a fingers to their lips.

“Shhhh. I think I lost him but he’s insanely fast.”

“Daddy?”

Rooks takes off the wig and leans over Ruby to hug Katie tight. “Are you okay? Did they hurt you? Where were you? I was so worried.”

“I’m okay, Daddy. There’s bad stuff happening.”

Dick glances at Ruby over their heads. She rolls her eyes and shrugs, in a what-can-you-do? sort of way, then grabs the fabric of Rook’s shirt and shakes him to attention.

“Rooks.” Ruby whispers. “We’re going to give you the car keys. You have to get Katie out of here. Dick and I need to stay and kick ass. You got it? You and I will never be okay, you know why, but go, take care of your daughter. Don’t fuck this up. Also, you owe me a leather jacket.”

“Oh man, you don’t want it. That monster... grabbed it and uh, got intimate. I left him with it, used the moment to get away.” Rooks dries his eyes. “Wait. What? What’s going on?”

“You have to go, guy. NOW. And, uh, gimme that.” Dick grabs the wig from Rooks. “I might need it.”

“Katie, sweetie, you think you can tell your dad how to get back the way we came?”

“Yes.”

Ruby hugs her and Katie, softly says, “Thank you.”

“You got it, kid.”

They watch them drive off in the dark.

“You know what’s weird.” Dick says, stroking the blonde wig in his arms as if it was a Persian cat.

“What?”

“All these people, all these freaks, you, Logan, Rooks, Sean… They’re are all connected to Carrie in some way.”

“You think I’m a freak?” Ruby’s big eyes catch all the moonlight.

“Oh, I know you’re a freak.” Dick shimmies around her, grinding and whisper-singing UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ.

She doesn’t move at all, her arms folded tight across her chest.

“In high school, you used to say I smelled like wet bathing suit.”

Dick laughs. Ruby doesn’t. He stops.

“You said I would die alone in a dress made of banana peels.”

“What? Dude.”

Dick kicks at a patch on the ground.

“I was an asshole and didn’t know shit. Okay? I paid for it. Believe me. I’m sorry.”

They walk towards the barn. In the distance, there’s a howl. The Pizmonster can’t be too far behind.

“Okay. We have a gun and a hammer and we are super fucking smart.”

“Fuck yeah. So what do we do?”

Ruby swats at a buzzing insect near her ear. “We look for those landlines, plural, that Sean mentioned. I know they said that all the wires were cut but they're all, like total liars, so there has to be another one like back at the cabin. Maybe in another one of the buildings?”

“Right.” “And we keep an eye out for Logan. Protect him.”

Dick nods. “You’re a cool chick, Rubster. But I got to tell you, Logan will never quit V-Mars. She’s his… heart.”

Ruby breathes in. “I know. But I have my part to play. ‘It is a far, far better thing that I do’ and all that jaaaaaazz.”

“Yeah. Man, I’m hot. Are you hot?”

“No.”

Dick holds his hand up, the nerve endings on his fingertips are dancing with electricity.

“Hey, Dick. Look, isn’t that Veronica’s dad’s car?” They move towards the car in a low-to-the-ground undercover crouch and peer in the window—there’s nobody inside. There is no sign of anyone around, no footsteps or voices. Only wind.

“There’s a note.”

On the dashboard, in left-slanted all-caps letters—I HAVE YOUR FATHER, MS. MARS.  DON’T DO ANYTHING STUPID.

Want to find out what happens next? Check back next Saturday for the next installment written by…  @cheshirecatstrut  Tag, you’re it! Make sure to submit your segment to vmheadquarters@yahoo.com by Wednesday, November 1st.

[ask-the-swapfell-crew]

a bad trip(a SF!papyrus story)

SF!sans:OK, GODDAMNIT!... LOOK... I'LL CALL HIM.  I'LL GET HIM OFF OUR BACKS. YOU'RE RIGHT.  HE'S MY PROBLEM.

SF!papyrus: it's gone too far.

SF!sans:RELAX.  LET ME HANDLE THIS. *dials the PHONE, snaps angrily at SF!papyrus*  YOU'D MAKE A PISS-POOR LAWYER....ROOM 1600, PLEASE. *to SF!papyrus* AS YOUR BROTHER, I ADVISE YOU NO TO WORRY. *nods towards bathroom* TAKE A HIT OUT OF THAT LITTLE BROWN BOTTLE IN MY SHAVING KIT.

*SF!papyrus goes in the bathroom.  He finds a little bottle -- a label: "DRINK ME."* 

                       SF!papyrus                      what is this?

                       SF!sans           YOU WON'T NEED MUCH.  JUST A LITTLE          TINY TASTE, THAT STUFF MAKES PURE          MESCALINE SEEM LIKE GINGER-BEER.          DETERMINATION.

*SF!papyrus stares wonderingly at the bottle.*

                       SF!papyrus                   determination...

                       SF!sans                  (into PHONE)           HI, NAPSTATON?  YEAH, IT'S ME.  I GOT          YOUR MESSAGE...WHAT?  HELL, NO, I          TAUGHT THE BASTARD A LESSON HE'LL          NEVER FORGET... WHAT?  NO, NOT          DEAD, BUT HE WON'T BE BOTHERING          ANYBODY FOR A WHILE.  YEAH.  I LEFT          HIM OUT THERE, I STOMPED HIM, THEN          PULLED ALL HIS TEETH OUT...

                       SF!papyrus (V/O)           i remember thinking, "jesus, what a          terrible thing to lay on somebody          with a head full of acid."

*SF!papyrus dips a match head into the brown bottle -- studies it -- TASTES IT -- NOTHING -- TASTES SOME MORE...*

                       SF!sans                  (to PHONE)           BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM.  THAT          BASTARD CASHED A BAD CHECK          DOWNSTAIRS AND GAVE YOU AS A          REFERENCE.  THEY'LL BE LOOKING FOR          BOTH OF YOU.  YEAH, I KNOW, BUT YOU          CAN'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER,          NAPSTATON.  SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST          BASICALLY ROTTEN... ANYWAY, THE          LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS CALL          THIS HOTEL AGAIN; THEY'LL TRACE THE          CALL AND PUT YOU STRAIGHT BEHIND          BARS... NO, I'M MOVING TO THE          TROPICANA RIGHT AWAY.  I HAVE TO          GO, THEY'VE GOT THE PHONE TAPPED.          YEAH, I KNOW, IT WAS HORRIBLE, BUT          IT'S ALL OVER NOW... OH MY GOD!          THEY'RE KICKING THE DOOR DOWN!                   *throws the PHONE down; shouts*           NO!  GET AWAY FROM ME!  I'M INNOCENT!          IT WAS PAPYRUS!  I SWEAR TO GOD! *stomps the PHONE; moans* NO, I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.YOU'LL NEVER CATCH NAPSTATON!  HE'S GONE!  I SWEAR, I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!  DON'T PUT THAT THING ON ME! *slams the PHONE down*

*SF!sans sits back in his chair... watching MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.*

                       SF!sans           WELL.  THAT'S THAT.  HE'S PROBABLY          STUFFING HIMSELF DOWN THE          INCINERATOR ABOUT NOW.  THAT'S THE          LAST WE SHOULD BE HEARING FROM NAPSTATON.                   *fumbling with the hash pipe*                      WHERE'S THE OPIUM?

*SF!papyrus stares at the back of SF!sans's neck.  SOMETHING VERY STRANGE IS HAPPENING TO HIM...*

                       SF!papyrus (V/O)           i remember slumping on the bed, his          performance had given me a bad jolt.          for a moment i thought his mind had          snapped -- that he actually believed          he was being attacked by invisible          enemies.  but the room was quiet          again.

*SF!papyrus CLUTCHES THE BROWN BOTTLE.*

                       SF!papyrus              where'd you get this?

                       SF!sans          NEVER MIND, IT'S ABSOLUTELY PURE.

                       SF!papyrus           jesus... what kind of monster          client have you picked up this time?          there's only one source for this          stuff -- the adrenaline gland from          a living human body!

*SF!sans turns to smile at SF!papyrus.*

                       SF!sans           I KNOW, BUT THE GUY DIDN'T HAVE ANY          CASH TO PAY ME.  HE'S ONE OF THESE          SATANISM FREAKS.  HE OFFERED ME          HUMAN BLOOD -- SAID IT WOULD TAKE          ME HIGHER THAN I'VE EVER BEEN IN MY          LIFE.*laughs -- strutsround SF!papyrus -- eyesbright with expectation*          I THOUGHT HE WAS KIDDING, SO I TOLD          HIM I'D JUST AS SOON HAVE AN OUNCE          OR SO OF PURE DETERMINATION -- OR          MAYBE JUST A FRESH ADRENALINE GLAND          TO CHEW ON.

                       SF!papyrus (V/O)            i could already feel the stuff           working on me -- the first wave           felt like a combination of mescaline           and methedrine -- maybe I should           take a swim, I thought...

*SF!papyrus sees that SF!sans is TOYING WITH HIS HUNTING KNIFE...*

                       SF!sans          YEAH, THEY NAILED THIS GUY FOR          CHILD MOLESTING.  HE SWORE HE          DIDN'T DO IT. "WHY SHOULD I FUCK          WITH CHILDREN?" HE SAYS. "THEY'RE          TOO SMALL." CHRIST, WEREWOLF IS          ENTITLED TO LEGAL COUNSEL.  I          DIDN'T DARE TURN THE CREEP DOWN.          HE MIGHT HAVE PICKED UP A LETTER          OPENER AND GONE AFTER MY PINEAL          GLAND!

*SF!sans JABS WITH THE RAZOR BRIGHT KNIFE.  SF!papyrus'S BODY IS GOING RIGID -- HE SPEAKS THROUGH GRITTED TEETH.*

                       SF!papyrus            why not?  we should get some of           that.  just eat a big handful and           see what happens.

                       SF!sans           SOME OF WHAT?

                       SF!papyrus                   *spitting words*               extract of pineal!

                       SF!sans         *STARING AT SF!papyrus WITH A STRANGE SMILE*           SURE.  THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.  ONE          WHIFF OF THAT SHIT WOULD TURN YOU          INTO SOMETHING OUT OF A GODDAMN          MEDICAL ENCYCLOPEDIA.

*SF!sans GROWS HORNS -- HIS FACE BECOMES A MEXICAN DEMON MASK.*

                       SF!sans         MAN, YOUR HEAD WOULD SWELL UP LIKE         A WATERMELON, YOU'D PROBABLY GAIN         ABOUT A HUNDRED POUNDS IN TWO         HOURS...

*A CLOVEN HOOF BURSTS THROUGH SF!sans's BOOT*

                       SF!papyrus                             right!

                       SF!sans          ... GROW CLAWS... BLEEDING WARTS.

*SF!sans's CHEST EXPANDS -- BONY RIBS BURSTING HIS SHIRT.*

                       SF!papyrus                                 yes!

                       SF!sans          ... THEN YOU'D NOTICE ABOUT SEVEN          HUGE JELLY TITS SWELLING UP ON YOUR          BACK WITH SOULS...

*A TAIL LASHES, HOOFS STRIKE THE FLOOR.  SF!sans TOWERS -- A FLAME RED DEMON!*

                       SF!papyrus                          fantastic!

*SF!papyrus is now so wire that his hands are CLAWING UNCONTROLLABLY at the bedspread, JERKING IT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER HIM.  His heels are dug into the mattress with both KNEES LOCKED, googly EYEBALLS SWELLING.*

*SF!sans-DEMON LOOMS AGAINST THE CEILING.*

                       SF!sans           YOU'D GO BLIND... YOUR BODY WOULD          TURN TO WAX... THEY'D HAVE TO PUT          YOU IN A WHEELBARROW AND...

*SF!sans's VOICE FADES AWAY -- SF!papyrus's frenzied gaze reveals SF!sans REVERTED TO NORMAL SHAPE AND SIZE.*

                       SF!sans         MAN I'LL TRY ABOUT ANYTHING; BUT          I'D NEVER TOUCH A PINEAL GLAND.

                       SF!papyrus           FINISH THE FUCKING STORY!  what           happened?!  what about the glands?

*SF!sans, a small smile on his jaw, backs away warily...towards the TV -- NOW A HUNDRED FEET AWAY IN THE DISTANCE...*

                       SF!sans            JESUS, THAT STUFF GOT RIGHT ON TOP          OF YOU, DIDN'T IT.

*GOOP stand out on SF!papyrus's forehead.  He is purplish-red. OVER THE TOP!  Too late, he realizes he is NEAR DEATH!*

                       SF!papyrus            maybe you could just... shove me           into the pool, or something...

*SF!sans shakes his head disgustedly.*

                       SF!sans         JESUS, THAT STUFF GOT RIGHT ON TOP          OF YOU, DIDN'T IT. IF I PUT YOU IN THE POOL RIGHT NOW,          YOU'D SINK LIKE A GODDAMN STONE.          YOU TOOK TOO MUCH.  JESUS, LOOK AT          YOUR FACE, YOU'RE ABOUT TO EXPLODE.

*SF!sans sits back down... watching the TV.*

                       SF!sans           DON'T TRY AND FIGHT IT, OR YOU'LL          GET BRAIN BUBBLES.  STROKES,          ANEURYSMS.  YOU'LL JUST WITHER UP          AND DIE.

*SF!papyrus FALLS TO THE GROUND, WRITHING, CATATONIC, SINKING INTO PARALYSIS. AND THE SOUND, SUDDENLY AND STRANGELY, OF THE VOICE OF RICHARD NIXON AND HIS DISTORTED FACE ON THE TV SCREEN.*

                        NIXON            Sacrifice... sacrifice...            sacrifice...

*SF!papyrus passes out.*

[buckyskorpion]

Do Something Bad, Too - Part 4

Pairing: Alpha!Bucky x Omega!Reader

Summary: It’s like every single Alpha on the planet won’t rest until they’ve confessed their eternal wish for you to mother their children, and it’s getting old. Luckily, that’s a problem Bucky might be able to fix.

Warnings: language, a/b/o dynamics, nsfw content (aka orgasms)

A/N: its finally here! sorry for taking like 30000 years but i got there in the end! happy new year, happy holidays, i hope everyone is well and i hope you enjoy this part!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

When you were in the army, you decided that you would never, ever chose an Alpha as a mate. You were surrounded by the worst kind day in day out - and, sure, when you moved companies nobody knew you were an omega thanks to the suppressants, but that just meant they felt like they could say all their shitty opinions about omegas in front of you as if you wouldn’t be offended.

In your opinion, 99% of Alphas were pigs and had zero respect for you no matter how successful you were, or how many suppressants you took. The past few weeks, however, have made you seriously reconsider that percentile.

It was down right unnerving how much comfort you found in Bucky’s scent all over you. When you were stressed at work you could just a deep breath in and be settled and focused once more. You’ve never slept better than with your head under the sheets, surrounded by the smell of him so it’s almost like he’s right beside you. It’s strange and you sort of hate it, except that it’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to you because finally, you’re being left alone.

“You seem happier,” Nat comments around a mouthful of salad. It’s one of the rare times she isn’t catching you between missions so you can actually leave the Tower for lunch. You find yourself thinking about Kotoro’s Japanese restaurant more than you’re enjoying your panini, and hardly register Nat’s comment at all.

“Hmm? Oh,” you say, blinking back to the table. Nat smirks around a sip of water and you try not to blush. “Um, yeah. It’s been a lot easier at work since we hired the new guy. I’m not doing two people’s jobs anymore, so.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Nat says. You study your next bite of panini very, very seriously and let Nat stare at the top of your head.

“It helps,” you concede. “I’m not being harassed every other day. But- I don’t know. It’s weird. I’ve never been a very… omega-y omega and now it’s like, I’m going crazy because I don’t know where Bucky is or when I’m going to see him again and it’s so stupid because I haven’t even known him for that long. I just feel so irrational.”

Nat chews her salad and sits with that for a few, gut-wrenching seconds. Then she swallows and asks, “Have you spoken to Bucky recently?”

“No,” you say, and try not to make it sound whiny but from Nat’s eyebrow raise, you suspect you didn’t succeed. “He said to come find him when it ‘got bad’ again. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, so. I’m waiting.”

“идиоты,” Nat mutters under her breath, which sounds very much like ‘idiot.’ She stabs a piece of lettuce aggressively and says, louder, “Do I have to do everything for you two?”

“What do you mean?” you ask, bristling at her comment even though you don’t know why. “I’m the one putting Bucky in a really shitty position and making him do this, I shouldn’t go pushing the boundaries he’s clearly set.”

“And what if he’s thinking the same thing about you?” Nat snaps, glaring at you. “Honestly, it’s like you’re in highschool. Did it ever occur to you that Bucky is a grown ass man who can’t actually be ‘made’ to do anything he doesn’t want to?”

You frown, panini long forgotten as you glare back at Natasha. Your face is starting to get hot as an irrational stab of anger hits you right in the chest. “I know that, I’m not an idiot. But he’s doing it because he’s a nice person, not because he wants to have lunch with me every other weekday and go to fucking IKEA like we do.”

“Right, he doesn’t want anything like our relationship,” Nat says. “That’s the point!”

“And how would you know?” you cry, dangerously close to yelling. Your skin feels like it’s on fire, the edges of your vision hazy, and it’s not like you to get this mad this fast but you’re about to lose it. “Why would he tell you? It’s between me and him, not you, and he’s made it perfectly clear where he stands so why don’t you-“

“(Y/N),” Nat says. The panic in her voice makes you stop short, taking in her wide, blown pupils and clenched fist around her fork.

“What?” you ask, just as a wave of dizziness hits you out of nowhere. “Holy shit. I’m so fucking hot right now, is that just me?”

“Yes,” Nat says through gritted teeth. Her nostrils flare as she says, “You’re going into heat.”

“What?!”  you practically scream, but as soon as she says it everything makes sense. The irrational anger, the possessiveness, the fucking 1000 degree fever you’re running. Since you’ve come off the suppressants you haven't been in heat - they fuck with your hormones enough that it takes a few months to a year for everything to settle down and a normal cycle to take effect.

“I can smell it,” Nat hisses. “You have to get out of here before the entire Alpha population of New York finds you.”

“Right,” you say, but your vision is glassy and your head is all over the place. You don’t really want to leave Nat, even though you know that’s just some weird omega instinct to stay near an Alpha. “Leaving. Nat, I-“

“I know,” she says, flapping her hand at you. “Now go. Not to your apartment, it’s not secure enough. Take this.”

She forces her Tower keycard into your hand and you stare at it blankly, struggling to comprehend around the waves of heat assaulting you. Dumbly, you ask, “Your apartment?”

“At the Tower,” Nat confirms. “You’ll be safe in there. Get FRIDAY to lock the door and you’ll be fine. But you have to go now, before it gets worse.”

“Yes,” you say, nodding at Nat. She’s using her Alpha voice on you even though she knows you hate that, but it gets you away from the table and out the door so you figure you’ll forgive her.

The world is too bright and too loud as you make your way back to the Tower. People are starting to stare at you - at least, you think they are but you’re not really sure of anything with the way your head is ringing. It’s good that you spend 99% of your time at work because you get to the Tower on autopilot, stumbling into a lift and slumping against the wall as soon as the doors close.

“Ms (Y/L/N), I see you have Ms Romanoff’s keycard. Do you wish to go to her residential floor?” FRIDAY says, startling you into opening your eyes (when you didn’t even know you closed them).

“Yes,” you say, your voice croaky. God, you need to throw up. “Her apartment. I need- no, no, wait. I-“

“Your heat signature is off the charts,” FRIDAY says, calm and soothing as your brain scrambles for something solid to hold onto. “I recommend human intervention.”

Everything feels not-good. The elevator is spinning, your stomach is somewhere in your throat and your muscles are starting to cramp and ache. You haven’t been through a heat cycle in a long, long time and you forgot how bad it was - or maybe this time around is just worse because it’s been years. You barely register the elevator starting to move, or FRIDAY saying, “Would you like to go to Mr Barnes’ floor? He is in the Tower and can assist you.”

“Bucky,” you say, tongue heavy and brain a pile of goop in your head. And god, now all you want is him - you can still smell him on you but it’s not enough, it never was, you feel yourself burn impossibly hotter all over like you’re going crazy without him. But he doesn’t want that. You try to say, “No, wait, wait- I can’t-“ but the words either never made it past your lips or FRIDAY just ignored you, because soon enough the elevator doors are sliding open onto Bucky’s residential floor.

The scent of him is instantaneous and overwhelming, like your senses are on high-alert for it and you can feel it rising off the carpet or something. Bucky is nowhere to be seen and you're paralysed, struck dumb by how good he smells and how much every cell in your body wants, so you just slide a little further down the wall and try to breathe.

Bucky must be able to smell you too - obviously, you’re probably pumping pheromones out like a factory - because he comes skidding down the hall, freezing at the opposite end of the room to the elevator and staring at you with wide, blown-black eyes. At the sight of him you actually whimper, and a little bit of the tension in your muscles ease. It’s so pathetically stupid but for the life of you, you can’t remember why coming here was a bad idea.

“(Y/N), what-“ Bucky starts, his voice a rough growl that seems to surprise even him. You scrabble at the walls for something to hold on to but there’s nothing - you end up just digging your fingernails into the grooves of the metal plates and squeezing your eyes shut.

“I’m sorry, I can’t- Bucky,” but everything is white noise and fire and the floor isn’t solid underneath you and neither are the walls, you can’t focus, the only real thing is the sweet, sweat-sticky scent of Bucky that’s getting stronger as he crosses the room to crouch down beside you.

“(Y/N),” he says again, confusion and arousal making him sound gruff and almost angry. He cups your cheek in his calloused palm and oh god, those nerve endings go off like fire flares at finally, blissfully being touched. You can’t help the almost pained gasp that rips out your chest or the way your back arches off the wall, a zing of pure, overwhelming pleasure zipping straight down your spine.

Bucky huffs a concerned sound, shuffling closer to you on his knees and strokes his thumb over your cheek. It’s still embarrassing when you moan at the catch of his rough skin on yours, but mostly it just feels too good for you to care. You feel crazy and feverish but so good now that you’re with Bucky, touching your skin and lifting you up against his chest and taking over where your frenzied brain can’t seem to function.

He carries you to the couch, but instead of leaving you there like you expect him to because you know that this is too much, that you’ve crossed the boundaries he set up and put him in the worst place ever - he sits down with you in his lap, curled up and face buried in the side of his neck. He smells the best there, like warm honey, and it’s everywhere. You nuzzle closer and cling to his shirt, shifting so you’re straddling his waist and can burrow further into the soft skin where his shoulder meets his throat.

“Hey,” Bucky says, stroking a hand through your hair to try and get your attention. You make an agreeing sound but that’s all - right now, words are not your friends. Bucky humphs, his chest moving against your body, and says “It’s your heat, huh, honey. How long s’it been, now?”

You muffle a pained noise into his shoulder and shake your head, somehow wiggling yourself closer so you're pressed flush against his body. Through an uncooperative, heavy tongue you manage, “It hurts.”

You feel the growl in Bucky’s chest more than you hear it, and the thrill of pleasure when he grips the nape of your neck and lifts your head to look at him makes you feel dizzy for a second. His hands on you, his thick thighs under your body, his voice right in your ear and his smell, fuck, you’re drowning in it and it’s all too much. Bucky looks right in your eyes, so dark you can barely see the blue anymore, and it might just be the heat talking but you think he looks just as hurt as you feel.

“I know it does, I’m sorry,” Bucky says, and it’s not what you want to hear. You whimper, twisting your head in his grasp to bite at the sensitive skin on his inner wrist, but he just digs his fingernails into your neck and makes a warning sound in the back of his throat. That sound snaps though you all the way to your toes and you stop, squirming on his lap and unable to look away from his eyes.

“I can’t,” Bucky says, low and forceful. It’s not good enough. You feel insane with the amount of Bucky you're getting but it’s still not enough. Fumbling and heat-slow, like moving through syrup, you try and grab for his belt buckle and you do feel metal against your skin, but it’s his left hand grabbing your wrist and stopping you. Again, Bucky says, “I can’t. Remember what you said? You’d hate yourself if you did this with me, now, when you’re not in control. I won’t.”

Ugh, you hate your past self and you hate Bucky for being such a good person - except you don’t, and it’s just as frustrating as your apocalyptically desperate need for Bucky’s dick. You don’t bother holding back your whine, slumping forward so Bucky is left to hold you up against him with a hand on your back, smoothing circles through the fabric of your shirt. You tuck your nose back into the side of his neck, the smell so good for a second you can’t help but rock your hips into his lap.

At the movement, Bucky’s fingers clench against your back. You think he���s going to get mad at you, an apology on the tip of your tongue, but instead you feel his metal palm settle on your thigh and slide up, stopping to rest just under the hem of your flowy skirt. The cold metal is so soothing on your feverish skin you actually moan, the sound muffled into Bucky’s skin but still obvious. His hand is just so close and you need it, you need it so bad you might die with it, you-

“You want that, don’t you? To come,” Bucky asks, his voice so rough and low you can hardly hear it even with his mouth right next to your ear - except for how it seems to resonate through your entire body, like you’ve never listened to anything else in your life. And it’s embarrassing, because here you are falling apart while Bucky remains in control. You press your face closer to Bucky, hoping he can’t feel or smell your humiliation, but of course he does. He hums and says, “C’mon, you can admit it. You don’t think I already know? I can smell it on you so strong, honey, it’s driving me crazy.”

Bucky grips your thigh, sudden and tight. You stiffen, keening at the pressure so you hardly notice Bucky lifting and adjusting you so you’re straddling just one of his thighs. Bucky uses both hands to bunch your skirt up near your hips so the thin fabric of your underwear is the only thing between your aching cunt and his jeans. It feels so good you almost feel like crying and, like he can tell, Bucky smooths his palms up and down your thighs and shushes you.

“You’re ok,” he coos. He lets his nails dig a little into your skin as he slides his hands up and down your skin, and the bite of it has you arching back as your hips stutter forward, completely out of your control. Every little thing feels like liquid fire and it’s almost too much - almost.

Bucky hums again, low in his chest, and says, “That’s it, huh? That feel good? You can keep going honey, that’s ok. Just to take the edge off. You’ll feel better, c’mon.”

Bucky’s flesh hand slides around to your lower back, under the fabric of your shirt, and starts to slowly guide you in rocking down onto his thigh. You grip his shoulders tightly, fingers digging in as bolts of pleasure spark up your body from the rough denim on your sensitive, dripping cunt. It almost hurts, but in a way that’s so good you’re seeing stars as you fuck yourself on Bucky’s thigh, shameless and completely drowning in the Alpha underneath you.

“Yeah, there you go,” Bucky murmurs, and when your hazy, star-struck eyes finally focus on his face he’s looking at you almost in awe. You clench your fingers around his shoulders and make a pitiful moaning sound, rolling your hips faster and harder against Bucky’s muscular thigh. Bucky says, “Just like that, honey, you’re doing so good. So good for me, just a little bit more-“

When you come, it slams into you like a clap of lightning - so sudden and bright your whole body locks up and your scream of pleasure-pain dies in your open mouth. Bucky holds onto you, hands digging into your skin and voice incoherent but soothing to your ringing ears. Everything comes back to you slow, like you’re seeing it underwater - Bucky’s face, his red lips moving around words you can’t understand, the feeling in your toes.

You must pass out, or go to sleep, or a mixture of the two because you only come to when you’re cradled in Bucky’s arms, going somewhere. He looks down at you, shushes you, tells you to go back to sleep. You do.

When you wake up, you’re swaddled on Nat’s couch by a blanket and Bucky’s red henley, a pair of his sweatpants rolled up on your hips. You feel groggy as you blink awake, and it takes you a minute to register your washed and folded clothes on the coffee table. And you might smell like him and you might be dressed in his clothes and your muscles might ache from one of the best orgasms of your life which he created, but you’re still alone. It takes you no time at all to figure that out, and the hurt doesn't ever go away.

Part 5

~~~

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[moonshroooms]

Hi there I’m going to talk about my pokemon now

So Sun & Moon was my first Pokemon game (Sun, specifically. I liked Moon/Lunala better but I liked daytime being daytime more. And didn’t want to just change the time cause of my Animal Crossing village VoV), despite the fact I’ve loved Pokemon for years.

Anyways it took me forever to get what I feel like is a good team and I want to talk about them.

Alta: Alta’s my Primarina and my like 15th restart to get a female first Pokemon ever and I love her. Honestly she’s so flipping cute and it feels like she just grew up to be the group mom. Like anytime an opposing pokemon kills one of mine it’s like ‘bring in the big guns’, ‘oh shit mom’s here’. I gave her scald, ice beam, moonblast, and aqua ring (after a butt ton of breeding). She is stronk and sturdy. I wanted a name that referrenced her singing so I took Alto and just. Put an A on the end. I didn’t like it at first but it’s grown on me :3

Willow-Wisp (Willow for short): Willow’s my Chandelure :3 She was the first pokemon I happened to get with the island scan and I fricking fell in love with this tiny ghost candle it’s so adorable. She’s very fast and kicks lots of things butts and spins around if I feed her. Her and Alta make a good tag team and cover each other’s weaknesses. She’s got toxic, hex, shadowball, and flamethrower. And Flamebody, which I always get lucky and it activates like 90% of the time someone takes her down. #pettymaster Her name’s pretty obvious. Will-o’-the-Wisp. My friend thought it was creative though VwV

Cannis: Cannis is my Leafeon and he is a noble creature. There’s not much to say on Cannis other than I had a hell of a time deciding what eeveelution I wanted my dudes. They’re all amazing and aaaaah how could I chooose. But I went with a Leafeon because I needed/wanted a grass type to help Willow deal with pesky water types and Leafeon’s one of my favorite of the eeveelutions. He’s so chipper and bouncy it’s adorable. I gave him synthesis, sunny day, (there’s a reason for that even though he doesn’t have/hit hard with solar beam), swords dance, and leaf blade. He is speedy and hoo he hits hard. His name is actually short for cannibis but I really like his name XD

Lumina: Lumina is my Goodra and she is jiggly and amazing. Honestly Goodra is so good she’s just flawless. IT’S A DRAGON. MADE. OF. GOO.

GOO.

She’s just so fun to look at. I even drew a cute picture of her poking a shiny sliggoo VwV I know they don’t have it but I gave her a little drippy teal heart on her side and a teal spot on her foot. My headcanon is the teal goo is luminescent, like a luminescent sea slug :3 She’s so bulky, even against fairies, I love her. I gave her rain dance, rest, dragon pulse, and thunder. And she’s got the hydration ability to make good use of that rain :3 I know sap sipper’s generally more useful but I just love being able to heal off damage. Lumina is just reminiscent of luminescent VwV

Divi: Divi is my Reuniclus and he is slow but he’s Sturdy. He’s just so squishy I love him. I looked up all the pokemans available in Sun/Moon and I saw him and was like. You™. And after I saw how many hits he could take (even super effective hits), he was never leaving. I love when you pet him and the hand icon gets all covered in goop it’s fantastic. What’s more with a bit of trick room and a life orb he sweeps like a Boss! I gave him calm mind, trick room, psychic, and recover. I know he’s useless against darks like that but I try and take out those threats before it’s a problem VoV His name is just short for Division, like that thing cells do :P

Sundew: And last to join the group (but certainly not least), is Sundew, my Mawile! :D My only other physical attacker/defender. I think I have a bias. I wanted to use her for a long time but her stats were just so awful I thought it’d be better to wait for the mega stone to come out. But then I got impatient and used her anyways, lol. Dude intimidate is so useful honestly? I can’t believe I never had a pokemon with it before. She’s just so useful and I really needed a steal type to help me pesky poisons. I gave her taunt (also very useful, I need more pokemon with support moves. When I first played I kinda ran on ‘why setup when I could just hit you?’ logic >^<). She also has sucker punch, iron head, and play rough. Before I got the mega stone I gave her zoom lens. I wonder how often play rough will miss now ._. Sundew is named after the sundew plant, a carnivorous type of plant. While she doesn’t look like it i.e. shaped similarly, she does have the same colors, so bam.

And that’s my main team! :D I don’t actually play online or anything. I just play against the battle tree and my friends occasionally. The only friend I play against regularly runs on ‘why setup when I could hit you’ logic. I also saw his physical attackers with special moves and I’m like. Broseph. My dude. Why. So I convinced him to switch it up, so hopefully he’ll get better and I’ll have more fun with a challenge :3 (Though most of his team is comprised of fighting/dark types, so until he fixes that too Alta and Sundew will continue sweeping most of his team). I like double-battles the best. I don’t even bother with singles, I like having more to multitask. It feels like I’ve got more protection with two pokemon. Usually the pokemon teammates run like:

Alta - Divi: Divi’s trick room helps them sweep, and Alta takes care of Divi’s dark weakness and Divi takes care of Alta’s poison weakness. They work good off each other

Cannis - Willow: I usually open with them, since they’re my fast sweepers. Cannis’ sunny day activates first and it usually boost Willow’s flamethrower enough to take out the first opponent (and keeps Cannis from getting status effects! :3). And if I’m feeling cocky enough I can get a swords dance up >-> Usually not the case, but it’s nice sometimes cause Cannis hurts man.

Sundew - Lumina: They’re my tankers. Well, bigger tanks than the rest of my bulky-ish pokemon. (I never thought I’d like my tanks so much. I usually take the fast/nimble options in. Well. Any video game really, lol. I think it’s because there’s no choice but getting hit in pokemon usually. You don’t get much of an evade option. And I hate being out-sped and going down in one hit). Sundew hit’s like a fricken trick man, and Lumina’s not-too-shabby in the beatdown department. And the rain dance helps Sundew deal with her fire problem VoV And Sundew’s iron head deals with them fairy types >:3 It’s a shame they’re both so slow, but I can count on them to switch in to some physical and special attacks :3

And those are the pokemon on my main team. They work very hard and I’m proud of them <3

[bittersweet-clifford]

I hate my physics teacher but he says some weird shit. here are his best quotes.

“and she looked like a dweeb but it doesn't matter because she's hot.” “imagine this punk-ass kid...” “ro-day-oh” “*screaming* YEEHAAAAW” “my wife went to a loser school.” “oh. that's where that obama guy went.” “I was president of all these things. okay. you're a loser.” “it’s got a cockroach crawling out of somebody's anus.” “you're a thief and you're a violent offender. go to texas.” “God did not have an eleventh commandment that said a 90% is an A.” “they had another brother. i forget what his name was but he was just there.” “our family is so devoid of talent that when we did the senior musical they told my brother, ‘you move your mouth but nothing comes out.’” “I’m not big on IQ.” “3 times 64. that's...........a lot.” “I think i can. i think i can. oh that was a great book.” “I AM AN ISLAND.” “he was one of those geeks who’d come into my room during lunch.” “Kids will do anything for food.” “Beethoven didn't have good social skills.” “pair-a-bowl-uh.” “g-e-o-meat-tree” “re-nay-sance” “you didn't have velocitom- speedometers.” “and dedicated to the proposition that all men-not women- are created equal.” “newton sat back and said, ‘damn, i took algebra 2.’” “they invented something. it was bitching.” “your little cell phone has an accelerometer on it.” “you get in your damned car right now. you have friggin GPS.” “what is a graph? you guys have no effing clue.” “screw it. this is america, man.” “they got these cheesy ass little- hey...” “and he marries his mom because she's a hottie.” “i'm going ‘no sweat.’ she's goin ‘YEAH SWEAT.’” “they send him off to some hills to die and some idiot saves him.” “trig-no-me-tree.” “if the plane crashes, whatever. little things.” “der-i’ve-a-tive.” “someone help her out. *people give answers* well don't listen to idiots.” “the magnitude of my ineptness.” “he invented something. it was a terrible thing-he invented the essay.” “i threw that at you to see how you interpilate.” “we’re talking so small your kitchen is in your bedroom. as long as you have 16 million dollars, you can have the friend's apartment.” “FROGS ARE NOT AERODYNAMIC.” “you're a genie-ass.” “what says ‘i love you’ more than eating the one you love?” “their bodies will be goop. and this is metaphorical and beautiful. how much closer can you be when you're stirred together?” “the book didn't have a female character because he's a male-dog-anystic pig.” “speaking of time….OOH BABY.” “you had telephones *aggressively slams hand on the wall* MOUNTED ON THE FRIGGIN WALL.” “and some kid goes, ‘yooo my daddy’s rich!’” “it looks like a badminton racket on steroids.” “it was by the skin on her chinny chin chin.” “we’re going to use the weight of history to raise our ramp.” “she was rich. and hot. and i was a dweeb.” “i can't draw a corvette.” “sucker’s gonna exaggerate….ah...accelerate.” “some bum wit says, ‘let’s put tin cans on the back of their car.’” “someone comes up with a big ‘ol truck because this is tennessee.” “you're gonna be wheel meat.” “move aside, pesticide.” “you put this if you wanna be cool.” “anyways, these guys go, ‘bitchin!’” *walks like a crab* “Shula? God?” “tow truck drivers come in two flavors.” “they brought a scale and a hard hat, and they were wearing pajamas. i don't know. this is [school].” “cas goes, ‘see joe? we’ll leave him as a hostage.’” “my brother by accident got accepted to a school in new hampshire.” “this is amazing. I’m shaking God’s hand.” “you know the way buildings work.” “people got upset because it was killing fish, so they decided to kill people instead.” “we’ll call him Joe Jerk because that's kind of what he was.” “i don't believe in slavery.” “energy is like pornography, you might not be able to define it, but most everyone recognizes it when they see it.” “she goes, 'mr [teacher], let’s do it.’ and i go ‘i’m married.’ and she goes, ‘NO, THE BOOK.” “I’m looking for pews. if anyone knows a church...I want catholic pews. they're the best.” “*draws a scribble* let's pretend this is art. ART.” “every once in awhile you run into one that's just so bitchin’ ass cool.” “there's not even a verb there. and this guy went to stanford.” “the right thing? or communists?” “oh, it was so bitchin!” “she looks like a chicken. and i'm like ‘This isn't cosplay.’” “there's spanish and then there's hippies.” “she was old. she must have been like 35.” “Ms. [other teacher] could have played the wicked witch in the wizard of oz.” “if i looked out far enough, i'd probably see a t rex out there.” “he's tighter than a mole’s bum.” “if i speak louder, they'll understand better.” “I. GEORGE.” “i love my mom and she loves me. like a rock.” “you can do it baby” (said three times to an inanimate object in one day.” “1+1 and 1x1 are the same answer.” “i'm using two seconds. if you're a loser, you can use one.” “a football field is like one and a half acres.” “what does that look like for a complete clover look?” “it was a gimungous space bagel.” “because on the black market, your torso can be used.” “he's not donald trump. he is todd. but he's todd-did-well.” “back then, they had a thing called grass.” “what was romeo and juliet in new york called?” “there's many ways to skin a cat.” “thou shall not have a disturbance at the front desk.” “live for your GPA. worship it.” “and then antarctica, where i'm going to send you if you laugh.” “you're in space just hanging out and the earth just hits you!” “if you did google translate from math-ish to english…” “if i happened to be in space and the moon were plowing around, would it hurt?” “russia, i can see it from my winda.” “where’d korea go?” “their last name was broccoli. the stupidest name in the world.” “i'm gonna be the only child i should have been.” “i'm not going to go into gender classification for doorknobs.” “how the hell do you get a lamborghini? that's like, really expensive.” “i liked mary-anne. she was not. and then there was that one actress i hated.” “real, 100% plastic plants.” “do not write this. ‘mister [teacher] thinks he shouldn't be afraid of bombs.’” “you comedysportz kids will get this. *tells story about astronauts.*” “*jumps excitedly* THIS IS SO BITCHIN!!” “bouncy bounce-that's my terminology.” “how did the pound sign get to be called hashtag?” “and you go, ‘what does this have to do with the price of beans?’ and it doesn't have anything to do with beans, but it has something to do with this story.” “Physics is racist.” “This perverted cat...” “You put the lime in the....oh no, that’s the wrong song.” “You know it’s a trumpet. Why? Because it’s got a flag hanging from it.” “WE’RE GONNA GO TO THE YMCA.” “She was very, well...very.” “You don’t have to be able to sing because they've got autocorrect.” “Nothing says ‘i love you’ like cutlery.” “I’ve been lifting weights for six years now and i’m half an inch shorter.” “I don’t have a neck. My muscles are too big.” “Dude, i think i can explain the universe with my saxophone.” “I love you a lot, but today, fuck you.” “The most religious people i've ever met are atheists.” “They got eyes on the top of their head because they’re weird people.” “Do you actually have to USE the fancy ass mathematics?” “It’s winter. Y’all can’t see shit.” “Your brain bone...what’s it called? SKULL!” “The definition of a cold is not snot!” “The first time you do heroine is the best. I don’t know. I’ve just happened to have met a lot of heroine addicts.” “I was making molten lead in the backyard.” “You know what dead people look like?” “Those of you who are pigmentally challenged.” “For a thousand effing bucks, i’ll wash their ass.” “So you invent liquid butter.” “You know what? We’re gonna kill china.” “The earth has gravity and it reaches out with these octopus tentacles.” “I want to meet Julius Caesar, but then I realized that was stupid.” "i know the moon's not a rabbit." "i never realized you could make a bridge explode." "i built a bridge that was the most bitchin ass coolest bridge i'd ever seen." "you know he's smart because he thought so much his hair all fell out." "nowadays we live in wussville" "[his name], you're going to hell." "maybe you've got a friend who's a drug dealer. they've got good scales." "i'm gonna make a flying buttress of a bridge." "spock wasn't people of color. he was green." "i hate bridges. me no do." "we have extendo-thing-o" "some of you have siblings who shoot up, so if you can get a needle, that helps." "it was the beginning of a life long love affair with this bridge." "if you're gonna trip out, don't do it in a tree." "you're not smarter. you're farter." "let's sit back and play the ukulele in a tree." "we'd go down to the bang bumpity bump." "*singing* i am so blue. i have. no clue. what shall we do? perhaps something new?" "the first picture is a fun. i know those of you who are anti gun are all upset but just deal with it a second." *spends ten minutes drawing a picture* *throws meter stick across classroom* "that's why we don't have glass on that cabinet anymore." "usually they don't offer loaded shotguns to six-year-olds." "you is fitty." "you know he's going fast. you know why? those lines are really long." "it's safer to fire guns in space." "at age six what the hell do you know about physics?" "do you feel physics?" "i have a brain ON my head." "you should not be looking up. you die." "there's a lot of possibilities. one is incorrect and the others are interesting." "all the kids were called mr. [his name]." "you eat, you piss." *talking about childbirth* "this is just like tug of war." "we went to this terrible store. it's called marshall's." "you still got beat up by some other group of kids. why? BECAUSE YOU'RE A DWEEB!" "Mom, i'm all fucked up. you should have made me play piano more." "let's pretend it's not true. it'll make me seem better. there was this dweeb..." "my fist is really upset with you." "how dare you? this is America. i can do whatever i want." "you know that's the problem? you're a selfish bastard" "life's good. the swedes win." "you can't, but if you happen to be a nerd at caltech, you can." "computers are very good at doing arithmetic." "we have a couple cross country losers here." *squats* "this is the answer to everything." "sue God." "it's all about having a 4.5 gpa and taking ap yoga." "winston churchill- who i love very dearly." "anyone who believes in seat belts is a wuss." "ever wonder why these old cars had gimungous trunks? it wasn't so you could put thirteen bodies in it and drive off." "i'm not trying to sound like an advertisement for swedish brains." "there are people like mr [name] out there. that guy's effing crazy." "the swedes. oh bless them." "i see this car coming straight at me at 70 miles an hour and i'm thinking 'what a nice car...'" "some religions are built on like gods and stuff. Thor..." "i can explain the whole world. i need calculus. i have to invent that first, but i can figure out the whole world." "we couldn't hit ships with beans with these things." "don't major in communications." "she's like a piranha." "why do you go to costco? ya loser." "i have a friend. he's a doctor. he's not stupid." "cool guys can spin the wheel with one hand.... i was told." "you're thinking, 'dude, physics.'" "youre sitting next to someone who's radiating gorgeous and you're like 'i'm radiating ugly.'" "why do you shop at wal-effing-mart?" "the way that God and Newton meant things to be." "that sounds stupid, but guys have never been good at deep thoughts." "you guys. better run fast because i'm gonna beat the bleep out of you." "oil companies are the modern day pirates." "they had discovered cocaine but it hadn't come to San Marino yet." "wow. you're a mr. negativity." “they put a godzilla level of give in there.” “with the exception of harvard, most colleges have an ethical standard.” *measures paper in megabytes* “sometimes my language is a bit salty.” “i apologize for biting your head off.” “there's just an achilles' tendon” “just taking cliff’s notes doesn't mean you know diddly shit about romeo and juliet.” “objects jump off of sharp pointy things.” “you could free range roam as far as you could range.”

[we-are-guildmaster]

Dreamer Part 7

Parts 1-3 https://we-are-guildmaster.tumblr.com/post/186332090734/original-story-dreamer Part 4 https://we-are-guildmaster.tumblr.com/post/186722752629/dreamer-part-4 Part 5 https://we-are-guildmaster.tumblr.com/post/187124114564/dreamer-part-5 Part 6 https://we-are-guildmaster.tumblr.com/post/187983702944/dreamer-part-6

As Anthony leaves the library to go get the doctor a thought crosses my mind, “Ammi? How far away is the Council? The place where I'll be meeting them I mean.”

The Madam gives me an odd look. “Near the heart of the city, in one of the larger buildings. Why do you ask?”

I clear my throat, I really wish I had something to drink right now, “I had a thought, I haven't been here that long and it took us three hours to get here from the airport. I don't remember the ride, but I remember looking at my watch. I also remember the airport was near the outside of the city. But I've only been here at the mansion about four hours, and had my seizure two hours ago. How long would it have taken Mr. Rackam to get here, and how fast would he have found out about me having my seizure?”

She stares at me blankly for a few moments. Her expression is unreadable and that makes me uneasy. I like knowing what people are thinking, it makes it easier to deal with things as they come up. “He couldn't have gotten here from his offices in less than an hour, longer at this time of day because of heavy traffic, say an hour and one half to two hours. We reported your seizure to the office of the First Lord shortly after the event, let us say a quarter hour. Leaving forty five minutes for the information to pass down to the various members of the Council, and then to decide on a course of action. One would imagine that would take at least half of an hour.” A look of realization dawned in her eyes, “Leaving a mere quarter hour for arrangements of travel and assignment of who would go. Meaning that Steward Rackam was already on his way here when word of your seizure would have filtered down to him.” Her face turned from contemplative to angry very quickly. “Which means they could have had foresight of your seizure and planned for it. You are very observant Dreamer.”

She steps away from the table she had been leaning against and moves to the phone again. After a moment she says, Arjun, find out who in the city has the services of a seer. One who would have at least several hours of foresight. I would start with the Grecian delegates as they are the most likely, but leave no stone unturned.” she listens for a moment and then returns the hand piece to its cradle. “This presents an interesting problem. The use of seers is strictly monitored and regulated to prevent unfair business dealings and limit foresight into events yet to happen. Knowledge of the future is a powerful tool and if it has been turned against the wishes of the Council or First Lord then this is a brazen ploy indeed. I will be occupied for a short time seeing to household matters, there is water and juice available simply lift the phone receiver and the operator will direct you a concierge to bring you whatever you need until Anthony returns.”

I nod and she walks out of the library and I am alone for the first time since I arrived. I undo the breaks on my chain and roll over to the phone and order some juice. While I wait I look around the library at the books. Most of them are printed in languages I can't read, a couple are in French or English but they have titles like, The Birth Line of the Third Family, or The Book of Ceremonies of Marriage, not light reading for sure.

After about ten minutes a woman arrives with a chilled bottle of white cranberry juice and a tall glass. I thank her and she smiles and says something in a foreign language and leaves. As I drink, I keep looking at the shelves, this book or that on family histories, a book of lineages from the fourth to seventh centuries A.D. The one I finally stop on is an old French book called, Common Tribesmen of the Northern Seventh Region.

I pull it down and it turns out to be a folio rather than a book. I go over to one of the tables and spread it open. It's hand inked and has several illustrations on each page. It's written in old French with a lot of heavy pronouns and no contractions at all. As I leaf through the pages it goes over the different types of monsters that are found in what I get by inference is the northeastern portion of North America. I don't understand half of what's written, not because I can't read it, but because it seems like the author assumes the reader has fore knowledge of basic concepts that I don't.

The way the author refers to the different kinds of creatures gives the impression that he's talking about inferior beings, like he's better than them. Phrases like, were they more civilized, or, they are by their nature prone to heavy body odor, and the general tone are what you would expect to hear from some one being condescending.

I must have been reading for a while when Anthony comes in with another man. “Dreamer, may I introduce Doctor Wong Tai Chi, personal physician to the most honored and descendant of Wong Tai Sin.” Anthony bows slightly to the man. I guess that his introduction should mean something to me, but I have no clue as to what, so I just smile and nod.

“You may call me Doctor Wong.” the man says as he sets a wood and leather case on the table, Anthony moves the folio I had been reading aside so as not to be in the way, “Let us have a look at you.” he comes near me and passes his hands across my arms, side, and chest. His hands barely touch me, and I have no idea what he's doing. His eyes dart back and forth across me as he moves his hands and he mumbles in Chinese. “Your Jīngshén, or what you would call your spirit, is very tangled. It is beyond my ability to untangle what is the root of your ailments. But the surface wounds, these I can deal with. You have broken blood vessels in your arm and side and a cracked rib. Please remove your shirt.” He opens the case and begins to remove bottles labeled with Chinese script.

I look to Anthony, who simply nods at me. “I have several allergies Doctor Wong, some which are sever. I am worried about anything new that might change or interact with my medicine or cause me to have problems. I'm sure you understand.”

He huffs at me, “Sir, I have been practicing the healing arts for three and a half centuries. Your Jīngshén tells me all I need to know about what you can and cannot be exposed to safely. Your modern medicine is more guessing game and, lets throw darts at it and see what sticks, than true healing ability. Now remove your shirt and let me get on with my ministrations.”

I slip off the top of the thawb and as I lift my arms the pain in my ribs hits me full force. It's like a hammer against my side and hurts like hell. Once I lower my arms it dies back down to a dull throb that was there before but I hadn't noticed till now. Doctor Wong takes some powders, leaves, and liquids and puts them in a small battery powered blender that he had pulled from his bag. I guess I must have laughed a little because he throws me a sidelong glance.

“What? You expect pestal and mortar? Or some clay bowls and sticks? This is the twenty first century, even an ancient cure can benefit from modern convenience.”

After a minute of blending he looks at the contents of the jar and nods. I really hope he doesn't want me to drink it because it looks like a combination of roofing tar and Drain-o. He opens the jar and the strong smell of pine and oil hit me. It's not unpleasant, but I was expecting something that smelled like shit honestly.

“You will need to lift your arm at least parallel to your shoulder for me to do my work and hold it there for a short time. Are you able or shall I have Anthony hold it up for you?” he asks impatiently.

“No, I think I can manage that sir.” I say. Great I'm going to get lathered with goop and some psychic surgeon is going to pronounce me cured. Woo hoo. When I first got sick when I was a kid my mom took me to every doctor she could find. Every test came back 'nonspecific'. It must have been more than twenty doctors, and all of them couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. After a couple of years mom even tried faith healers. What a bunch of sham artists they were. This ointment, or that goop, this chant, or these crystals. Nothing came of it of course. What was wrong with me was that I was Dreaming. It broke me to make me able to Dream. It's been decades and I'm still bitter about that. I often wonder what kind of life I could have had had I not started Dreaming.

What happens next I'm not sure I actually saw or believed. I lift my arm up and Doctor Wong waves his hands over the jar and a small flame lights over it. A thick blue black smoke wisps up from the flame and he passes his hands through it while speaking Chinese. The smoke bends and move towards me and starts to wind its way across my ribs, chest, and arm kind of like a snake. It really doesn't feel like anything, but watching smoke move like it shouldn't be moving is really weird.

The smoke spirals around the bruised areas on my arm and ribs and masses into small thick clouds that settle against my skin. The whole time the doctor is speaking and waving his hands in complex patterns through the smoke. It's not hokey stuff like his eyes rolled back or some whispered nonsense like I had seen all those fakes do when I was a kid. It was more like he's having a conversation that I can only hear one side of. I feel a light pressure where the bruises are and my skin starts to feel wet. I look over and little droplets of blood are forming on my skin under the smoke and wicking it away. After a minute I hear a little popping noise from my side and the throbbing stops. Doctor Wong starts saying something different and the smoke starts flowing back into the jar. It's taken on a reddish hue now and isn't as dark as it was before. I look at my arm and there is a thin layer of flaky dried blood there and on my ribs. The smoke goes back into the jar and the flame goes out and he screws a lid on it.

“There, good as new. Or at least good as it was before the fall. I've never had the chance to heal a Dreamer before. Your spirit is twisted and tangled in ways I have never seen. Given a few decades of treatment I might be able to figure some of it out, but I doubt it would do you much good by then as you would be a very old man. Wounds I can cure, but age comes for us all at some point.” he packs his things away into his case and makes ready to leave, “Anthony will see to getting you cleaned off, if you are in need of me again, the most honored has given me permission to aid you. Try and avoid falls and eat some iron rich food for the next few days.” he nods his head to me and Anthony and walks out.

Anthony brings a small towel and a bottle of water and starts wiping the dried blood away. “You are very blessed Dreamer, it is very rare for a healer of Doctor Wong's status to work on a human, nearly unheard of. I think the last time I have heard of was one of the English princes some hundred years ago. He is one of the most skilled healers in the world, which is why he attends the most honored.”

The next few minutes consist of Anthony cleaning me up and getting me dressed again. I drink some more of my juice and try and figure out what just happened. “Anthony, what did he do to me? I mean I saw what happened, with the smoke and all that, but I mean, what was that?”

“The doctor used his magic to pull the bruised blood from your body, heal your bones, and mend the damage caused by the fall.” he said like it should be obvious.

“Magic?” I say, “Like honest to God, Merlin's in the house, magic?”

“You do not believe in magic? You see things that happen all across the world in your Dreams. You must have seen things unknown before. Why would you not?” he seemed confused.

“Well, yeah, but those are Dreams. Weird stuff happens all the time, but it's just monster stuff.” I catch myself as I say it and realize I may have just said something wrong, “No offense meant. Tribes stuff I mean, I just always thought it was my brain trying to make sense of a weird situation by putting in this or that to fill in the blanks.”

“As I understand it, Dreamers see things as they truly happen. No blank spots or filler, but things as they truly are. You have witnessed magic many times in your Dreams. It was not filler, but actual magic.” he put the towels and water in a small trash bag from under the counter and set them aside.

“So do you do magic?” I ask, I guess I probably sound like a kid asking for a party trick or something.

“No, I am not blessed with those gifts. I have simply studied, at university, how to be a caregiver. My abilities are mundane.”

I must have lost track of time between reading and my time with the doctor because when I glance down at my watch it's a quarter to twelve. “When am I supposed to have lunch with, um, the most honored?” it's really weird to me to refer to someone with a title like that. I mean First Lord, Councilman, Steward, those I can understand and wrap my head around but 'most honored' is a little more esoteric.

Anthony looks at his watch, “Soon. I would have expected the Madam to have returned by now to fetch us, but it seems we will have to go on our own. We will leave shortly so as to arrive very near the time declared by the most honored. One does their best to be prompt with matters such as these.”

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s03e03 Scared to Death review - or more aptly named, the episode that began by scaring me shitless and then ended up making me laugh and enjoy it so much that I forgot my fear.

Episode 03 – Scared to Death

Hey guys! So I’m not really sure how to proceed, because I’m super sad over losing Mandy Patinkin and him not being in this show any more is seriously going to depress the fuck out of me. I don’t like it.

Also, this episode’s name isn’t good. I’m not a fan of horror movies, okay? I get scared from things that disgust me, like blood, insects, roaches, etc. … and also when people decide to jump on me unexpectedly, I get scared, and I punch them in the nose. So basically, I’m a scardy cat with a witty mind.

I just hope they don’t scare the living shit out of me or any of my babies in this one.

Let’s see what happens.

Oh shit! Oh my fucking shit! You fucking assholes! That woman’s face just appeared when I leant closer to watch the screen. YOU ASSHOLES! I jumped in my chair like crazy. Oh god. This is gonna be scary.

Oh god.

Okay, moving on.

Why is this dick not letting her out? She’s scared shitless! Come on! She can’t breathe! Let her out!

Why are you so methodical and asshole-like? You can actually hear her dying. Fuck.

It’s actually a study case for him? Oh my god, this unsub is one sick fucker.

Oh my brooding poodle, you are gorgeous.

Also, their whole process of losing Gideon is breaking my heart. I mean, ugh, he left everything  except the photos he had of the people he saved.

Oh god, Morgan’s face of ‘this is bullshit, I can’t believe he left us like this’ is downright breaking my heart.

Oh god, they’re replacing him so fast? Strauss, you heartless bitch.

Morgan’s like, you gonna address the elephant who’s not in the room anymore, Hotch?

So the freak is in Oregon? Oh god.

I really don’t like how they just move on, but I guess business is business, and this TV show thing is really  just a business at the end of the day. Sigh.

DANCING SHEMAR EYEBROWS TIME!

Four victims, only one was reported missing? Damn.

Derek’s horrified face is amazing. I’m horrified now.

Lao Tzu: “He who controls others may be powerful but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.” Well, that was cryptic.

“Hey. You. Uh, down here.” “I knew that.” “Good thing you’re handsome, doctor.”

Oh how I missed Garcia. I just hope we have more of her this episode. It looks intense.

Wait. They’re working with the Portland FBI? Awesome!

Hahaha, Reid, Morgan and Hotchner are going to the girl’s apartment but elevator can fit only Morgan and Reid. Two hot guys in an elevator. Oh boy. Filthy mind here.

Did that elevator just break down?

Well, it does look like it’s from the 1800’s.

Morgan jumping in the fragile elevator. Reid: “Don’t do that.”

Did Reid just say ‘chill out’? I love this show so much!

Oh my god, Derek! You little shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why are you trying to get Reid scared?

Oh my god, I just laughed way to o hard for this to be really funny.

Oh my god.

“I’m not scared. I don’t want to be in the same elevator with you, to be honest.”

Oh my god.

And then bam – they drop.

And Shemar is so gorgeous.

Okay, I know this shouldn’t be funny, because I was stuck in an elevator, but I know this is a TV show and I know it’s not real, so it’s kind of hilarious to me how good at acting those two are and how scared shitless they are right now and I love it.

Reid gasping in a super-high voice ‘Hotch!’ oh my poodle is amazing.

Then Morgan trying to yell out louder. Oh god, I love those two so much.

“Are you guys okay?” “I’ll get back to you on that.” Oh poodle, rest.

Oh god, I needed that reliever. Thank you, guys.

“She wouldn’t use the elevator.” “I don’t blame her.” Oh my god, Derek! I love you, puppy!

Wait. So that unsub is scared of the dark? Wait. Does he kill the victims by forcing them to face their fears and then killing them with the very thing that frightens them? OH SHIT! THAT GUY IS A FUCKING MONSTER!

Oh my god, that dude is going to drown that poor bastard. Shit.

Wait. He’s scared of water? How does he drink? ;) now I’m just being a dick. I know.

My hottie XD

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m obsessed with Shemar Moore. Just so it’s clear.

Warn potential victims? How?

Oh god, he’s making him swim! Shit! And he has him on a hook, and he just let him go, knowing the idiot can’t swim, he’s scared, and he’s just being a dick because his mommy used to bully him? Oh god!

Why is that doggie in a cage? Baby!

You asshole.

He’s married? Oh my goodness fucking gracious.

Wow. You’re being a dick to your wife, seeing her as your mom. Dude. See a shrink.

Why are you being a dick to your daughter? Fuck you, asshole.

Yummy.

Oh my goodness gracious this show is glorious. Now poodle is accusing my puppy of being afraid in the elevator? But you were gasping for Hotch!

I’m with Derek on this one, poodle.

“He left a letter explaining everything. Just like my dad did when he abandoned me and my mom.” Oh boy, that’s one messed up poodle with abandonment issues. Oh poodle.

Did Emily just psychoanalyze my poodle? Cuz that was straight-up Doctor Phil, Prentiss. No, really. I get my poodle has daddy issues and because he abandoned him he erased the memory of his father completely, even though he has an eidetic memory and an IQ of 187. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to erase Papa Smurf from his mind, too, right? RIGHT?

Oh boy. This just messed with my head.

“Snack machine!” “Yeah, I don’t think he’s luring them with pretzels.” Prentiss, don’t make fun of my poodle.

Hey, hottie.

So let me get this straight, he’s offering two hours of therapy for $100 and that’s it? You’re cured of your anxieties? Bull shit. Well, to be honest, it’s fairly true with him, you die, hence you no longer have anxieties. I guess it is true marketing.

Oh god, he’s going to bury this woman alive. Fuck you, you sick, sad, sick man.

I am so in love with those hot eyebrows. No, really, I want to lick them.

“Baby girl, there’s nothing to know. I hit a couple of buttons. It got stuck. That’s it. What do you want?”

“And …?”

“Okay, I freaked out, a little bit.”

“Look here, you little busybody, I know you traced that number for me five minutes ago, so give it up.”

“Ah, yes. Changing the subject.”

Oh my god, Penelope,  you are such an awful gal. I love you, but seriously? Dogging on my puppy like this? You’re kind of a bitch, right now! I meant, right now! I love you, you’re a tech kitten, a goddess, please don’t haunt me and don’t do a mega search on me, kay? I like my privacy just like your sugar shack.

“But, as my brilliant and bespeckled eyes can see, they all lead to dead ends.” You genius girl.

“Way ahead of you, ‘fraidy cat.” Oh, this is glorious.

Wait. Did he put something in her tea? Oh that is so messed up, dude.

Oh god, he’s seriously messed up and I really don’t know what crazy lady would have married him? Poor thing. The woman, yes?

“The creep of the moment award goes to …” I love the lines in this episode.

“One good deed’s not fortifying his karma sufficiently.”

“Yikes! His bank records show a seriously depleted savings account.” He’s keeping up appearances. Damn.

His mom died last year? The mom who humiliated him? Damn. Stressor. Right there.

He’s been using his wife’s family property? Oh damn. That man is sick.

Oh you fucking fuckface.

Wait. He’s backed into a corner and now he wants to jump from a building? Talk about psycho weirdo.

Oh damn, that freak just went kersplat.

“Hotch, this guy wasn’t well in the head.” True dat, baby boy, true dat.

Hotch, don’t let him get into your head. Oh, you mean you think the girls’ still here? Awesome, go find her!

My poodle is shocked. Someone get that body out of there so he can calm down.

Oh thank god, they pulled her out of there. Please tell me Derek isn’t going to give her mouth-to-mouth, I’m going to be so jealous.

Oh good, she can breathe.

Look at that smug little face, happy she could be of service. I love you, goddess.

Eleanor Roosevelt: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” Wow, that First Lady was really wise. Why can’t America be great again?

Awww, my puppy wants to sleep! Sleep Derek, you are gorgeous when you’re sleeping. You are gorgeous in any state.

Aw, Hotch is working instead of relaxing? Come on!

Aw, concerned Derek is my favorite, cuz then I can comfort him.

Fuck. Haley left Aaron. I can’t believe that bitch.

 All right, well, big one today. As opposed to last time? I mean, seriously, they’re making me review the shit out of those episodes and I’m not even getting paid for this crap. I’m even paying for the electricity and internet! Fuck you!

So this episode was messed up regarding the unsub and the case, but I was so not focused on that this time. This time I was focused on the fact that Hayley turns out to be a bitch, my baby boy is scared shitless of stuck elevators, Penelope can be a bitch, but I love her for that anyway, and Hotch is one adorable pile of goop. And I want to adopt the poodle.

Overall, this was sporadically interspersed with comedy and it was much needed after those intense episodes we’ve had over the last couple of days, am I right?

LOVED IT.

LOVED IT.

LOVED IT.

Is all I can say. And I want more Penelope and Derek shmultz and goop and romance. PLEASE!!!! It’s all I can do not to beg.

So I’ll see you all next time, I hope we get as much awesomeness as we did with this eone. Only I hop ethe guy doesn’t prey on the victims’ fears, cuz that is just unfair and uncool.

All right, see you next time, love you awesome nerds <3