#so I sleep max. 5 hours at night and I feel terrible whole day | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wecandoit · 3 years ago

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These are the things I do when I’m utilising my time to the max. I’ll be 100% honest and say that I haven’t been doing these all the time recently, and as a result I’ve been having terrible time management. But at least that proves these tips work for me. I really do think that some of these will work for you too.

🍓Early starts: Note, this is more of a motivation thing rather than a productivity thing. Besides the generally having to wake up early for school/work, I recommend you get early starts even on your days off. Most people would say to wake up and be productive, but it’s totally fine to just lounge around and do nothing, especially when you don’t have major plans for the day. That’s the beauty of waking up early––you can have time for yourself and still get the day’s tasks done. Basically, you have more time to waste (honestly why am I even a studyblr?) Although, be warned, if you choose to lounge around, this could ruin your tone for the whole day. My advice would be to not go too hardcore on the work as soon as you get up, but instead ease yourself into it slowly.

🍓 Hydration: You’ve probably had people drill this into you so many times but as soon as you wake up, drinking at least a full glass of water is essential. After a night’s sleep you’ve had a solid few hours (ideally) of absolutely no water, so you are super-dehydrated. I didn’t realise how thirsty I was in the morning but I started drinking one full glass every morning and it’s definitely refreshing as hell, and gets me in an altogether less drowsy mood

🍓Brush teeth: I hate morning breath and that gross taste in your mouth when you wake up. That is literally the only reason this is on the list. I feel so much more put together once I brush my teeth. Even after lunch or something, whenever your mouth tastes weird, just brush your teeth or even gargle some mouthwash or something. Nobody needs to be stuck at a desk smelling their own stinky mouth for hours on end.

🍓Apps: A lot of people use the 25:5 min Pomodoro timers but I personally like a larger work time frame so don’t really use them. I use 1Focus on my Macbook into which you can add in websites and apps that you want to block while you work. It works a treat, but be aware, you can’t turn it off, just in case you realise you’re going to need to open up a blocked app. [EDIT: I actually found a loophole to this so msg me if u wanna know] I also use Toggl or (recently) Yeolpumta which are more a motivational thing for me. These apps allows you to track your time throughout the day so you can see how much time you’re not utilising. With Yeolpumta you can also join lil study groups and if you’re competitive, use other people’s study times as your motivation. Also, you can find a lot of good compilations of useful apps on online servers or drives. (I’ll have links at the end of this post)

🍓 Study With Me: This one may not work for everyone but I discovered these worked SO WELL for me. Study with me videos can be found on Youtube and you can find a whole range of them, but I prefer the long 1-2 hour ones with breaks and no music. I watch the videos by @elloitsangela and sometimes @Merve on YT and they’re awesome. You can also find ones with background music if you prefer, but I like to listen to my own music or none at all.

🍓Motivation: Majorly links to the last point. I know I know I know that everyone has pretty much worked out that for long-term projects and goals, the key is to understand that staying on task is about discipline not motivation. But as much as you can tell yourself this, it’s almost impossible to stay disciplined when you have no motivation in you–– the two are intrinsically linked.The typical advice is to think of your goals, but motivation for everyone is different, and even really shallow points of motivation, like looking at pretty studyspo on Pinterest might give you that push, especially when you don’t know what exactly you’re working towards.

🍓 Music: While we’re on the topic of music, I think there are situations where music can be helpful and other times when it is just distracting. It really does depend on the work that you’re doing. Generally, people find it very hard to focus with music, when they’re working on understanding concepts, and coming up with logic-based ideas. Less mentally demanding and creative tasks tend to be completed more efficiently with music so if your priority is getting things done fast rather than comprehension, music is great. A cautionary note: I recommend you find songs that don’t make you want to stop what you’re doing and just bop along, as tempting as it can be. Classical, lo-fi, dubstep, EDM or jazz tends to work well for a lot of people.

🍓 Planning: I keep a bullet journal and use it to list out all the tasks I want to get done. However, this may be tedious for some. Alternatives you could use are just a simple notebook in which you jot down the days tasks. Or to-do lists work as well. Other people may find online planners or apps work better for them than physical methods and for those people, I will link a drive below for nice compilation of management apps/sites. A tip for to-do lists is to break big tasks into small tasks and put them on ur list. This especially helps with mental health because big tasks can be overwhelming and you may feel you’re not getting anything done, even when you are.

🍓 Productive incentives: I try to make the way I reward myself as productive as possible by combining the reward with a chore. Lately I’ve been having to do a work around the house, so finding time to relax between studying and chores is hard. I’ve found that by doing my chores while watching a movie, or reading a book, or listening to music/podcasts, I can really utilise my time. That way, chores feel less like chores and more like time off. This is also useful because you feel like you’ve taken a break after doing your chores and can be motivated to get back to study/work.

🍓 Setting: This one is mainly in regard to temperature. Finding the optimal temperature, I’ve found, is pivotal to how productive I am. I usually struggle with focusing a lot when it’s too hot, because I work better at a cooler temperature (Australian summers hit hard). You may find it better to work in a hotter environment, though, and really it’s all down to experience. I suggest having a heater or cooler in the room, or if you work outside of home, find a place with the right heat. And I guess this is a given, but find a study space where you won’t be distracted by the people and things around you.

🍓Google drives (the holy grail): I kid you not, you can find literally any self-study resources on a google drive. Not only self-study but even useful links for time management, productivity, motivation, etc. I find these usually on tumblr, reddit, or from study groups. I’ll include a few resources and links at the end of this post and I’ll upload a separate post with more resources if you think it would be helpful.

🍓 Desk space: I will tell you right now that I cannot, for the life of me, clear my desk space up properly. Like, I just can’t. I always feel like I need my planner, my drink, my caddy, my entire pencil case, sticky notes, and a whole lot more on my desk with me. I know I don’t need any of these, but I can’t seem to put them away, probably because I always clear things away and ended up needing to pull it back out. So what I do to clear my desk space is put away all my books that are from subjects I’m not focusing on. I don’t pack them away or anything, I just get them off my desk. Everything else stays on. Obviously if you can properly clear your desk space, you should do that. But if you’re like me, give this a shot.

🍓 Online study groups: This one is suited for a very specific type of learner, I think, so take it with a grain of salt. There are a whole lot of groups, whether it be a Tumblr chat, a Discord server, a Whatsapp group, that are made by lovely human beings who want to join forces in their work/study life. Finding one that really fits your interests and needs can be extremely helpful and motivational. The members in these group can give advice, keep you accountable and motivate and inspire you to work hard to reach your goals

This is my list so far. I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for a solid six months now so I’m well and truly sure they are my best tips. If you have anything else that you swear by, feel free to add on to this list in reblogs, or message me and I’ll edit the post myself. Obviously, different things work for different people, but as someone who gets really easily distracted and bored, these are all the things I can offer you.

These may be really obvious to some of you, but I also know that they’re not to everyone (because they weren’t to me), so please boost this post any way you can, I’d really appreciate it and I bet others will too :)

Some really helpful apps/links: • Yeolpumta for Apple or Android + an invite to my study group on Yeolpumta • 1Focus (I think this is only for Mac but not too sure) • Toggl Track for Apple or Android/PC • Z-lib in case you’ve been living under a rock: has almost every book ever published (including textbooks) • Project Gutenberg: more free ebooks • Openculture: a bunch of free audiobooks (and not just niche ones) • Librivox: more free audiobooks • PDF Library: literally a library PDFs (books, guides, articles, anything) • OEDb: find online courses in American colleges • Khan Academy: for help with literally any subject (I used it for maths and chem); also offers online courses • Wiley: find open access journal/research articles • Elsevier: more open access journal articles • Medical Study Zone: texts and resources for medical students • Megafolder of textbooks/resources for culture and language studies by @salvadorbonaparte (literally ilysm) • Memrise: language learning that’s not just duolingo • Books and resources about Medieval Europe • Gender/queer studies drive by @genderebels (ilysm) • Guide to learning how to code by @boomeyer • Recovering unsaved drafts from Microsoft Word • Writing essays with half the stress by @wittacism • List of words and synonyms to use in your writing so you can stop being basic • Massive list of literary techniques by @emmastudies • Masterpost of apps and extensions for productivity and self care by @mujistudies

(I’ve got a lot more links to drives for more university level textbooks, movies, animes, comics, music, etc. so if u need, hmu)

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kerm-the-fro · 5 years ago

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oopsies its vent time

mainly abt insomnia and a little bit of dysphoria, feel free to scroll past tbh

i think my family heavily underestimates how bad my insomnia is, like they think i get to bed at what? 12? midnight?? idk, but i have trouble getting to sleep before 5-6am, im surprised it doesnt show how sleep deprived i am tbh

but like i think also some of my friends dont see it as bad as it is sometimes, like if im up at 5am and one of my friends is pulling an all nighter its like “oh you staying up too? lol me too im not sleeping tonight” and im like “aahaha yeah yeah, all nighter am i right hahaaaa”

i dont look at myself much, and when i do i dont look at my faces, but i stg there has to be mega bags under them

god i just want some concealer or smth, like some eyeshadow and concealer to cover up the darkness under my eyes(and possibly for cosplay idk)

my sister and i are texting rn cause shes upset and needed someone to just kinda talk to and shes like “put down the phone”, i tell her thats not whats causing it and its just really bad insomnia and shes like “your bodys used to whatever sleep schedule youve had” but like aaaa ive never had a sleep schedule???? ive never once had one i dont think and idk why it just gets this bad but it does

my ‘sleep schedule’ is like falling asleep at somewhere between 6am-8am and sleeping until noon-1pm, whats that?? likeee a max of 7 hours of sleep??? maybe???? idk im terrible with math, but honestly it doesnt matter how many hours i get in cause like if i get a lot im bound to get so little the next night, and if i get a little sadly it doesnt make me get a lot the next night i just get a little bit more

my brother recently said smth that really kinda stuck out to me today and it was on the topic of insomnia and depression(which I brought up but nobody questioned), it was him saying that hes decided societys day-night cycle is dumb and if he wants to have breakfast at midnight and clean at 1am as his girlfriend is going to sleep then hes gonna do it, i said “i wish i could do that” and guess who was instantly berated by their mom!!!! surprise. its me.

also fuck. my dysphoria is getting worse with each on-off cycle, sometimes ill be completely okay with my body but my next on cycle ill want to actually cut my fucking chest off with a pocket knife, i asked my brother for a binder a little while ago and idk if he ordered one so i might just cave in and ask my mom

aLso also fuck just realized i have piano tomorrow(technically today) and i havent practiced my new song i was supposed to pratice this week and ill have to sightread and learn at least the whole first page maybe an hour before lessons

god now i wanna play der flohwalzer, its such a nice song and idk if its easy to learn but ik how it goes and i sightread a little and ik it goes (running)e d (walk) a b+g b+g (running)e d (walk) a b+g b+g (running)e d (walk) a b+g f b+g d c+f c+f

that last part probably makes no sense to anyone but in my head it does

#kerm say shit #tw vent #vent #tw rant #rant

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shleepys · 4 years ago

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Summer Tones

This story can be found on my Archive of Our Own! I recommend going there and reading the notes I’ve left. Any feedback (constructive criticism or support) on either platform is highly appreciated. :)

TRIGGER WARNING : mentions of abuse and suicidal thoughts.

Chapter Six

Ch.1 - Ch. 2 - Ch. 3 - Ch. 4 - Ch. 5

- - - - - -

June 5th, 1985

Amber

The Next Day

The front door latched shut with a quiet click, silence rummaging about the house as the three left. Neil, Susan, and Max. Gone. Off to go do something together without their ‘son’ after he had made excuses as to why he couldn’t go out. But in reality, he just didn’t want to go out, especially if Neil came along.

Amber stretched across the hardwood floors in a subtle sway, shining through windows marked with drawn curtains and white blinds. Yellow accented the walls with its warm hue as the sun danced across Billy Hargrove’s face. He stared up at the ceiling, quietly waiting for the roar of Neil’s truck to break the silence and slowly disappear down the road. Eventually, the rumble came and went as the distant sounds of terrible memories and hate fled and allowed him to temporarily embrace safety. A few hours to himself to contemplate the night before and what Neil would have done to him this morning if he wasn’t back at the house before he woke up.

Guilt toyed with his decision to leave without telling Steve goodbye, but he didn’t want to wake him up. Maybe he would reveal why he left the next time they met up, or maybe Steve would reveal the terrible shit that his parents have pulled in the past. . . or maybe they would pretend that the night never happened.

Like Billy never managed to get up to Steve’s window and knocked on it, like Steve didn’t grab his wrist and cry into Billy’s button-up after hugging him, like they totally didn’t sleep in the same bed together and Steve cuddled up to Billy in his sleep.

Billy sat up from his bed, brushing back a few stray curls with his hand as his attention focused on his cassette player. He blinked. An urge spreading through him as he remained there, completely motionless, almost as if he were waiting for something to suddenly happen. As if him sitting there and thinking would cause the cassette player to start up.

He exhaled through his nose before standing and sluggishly moving towards the electronic box. Billy stared at it for a while, noting how the scratched chrome showed his vague reflection and the white glare of the sun made it seem as if he was glowing. He sat down in front of it, never taking his eyes off of the inorganic thing until he dragged his vision towards the several boxes of cassettes hidden catty-corner behind his mirror.

He moved to all fours to reach it, sitting on his knees as he backed away with the container and opening it with hesitation. Inside laid several tapes, all twirling with the gold glow of the room as their colors popped against the black box. Carefully, he pulled one out. Billy stared at its cover, discomfort raking its nails down his back as the person on it seemingly stared right back at him. Like it was trying to pluck parts of his soul out of him through his eyes but reassure him that all will be alright. The title bolded in red above, ‘10cc The Original Soundtrack’.

He pulled his legs from under himself, sitting with them spread rather than uncomfortably on them before pushing the button to open the player. Billy slid the cassette inside, a frown twisting at his lips. And with a quiet click, he closed the little door and pressed play.

At first, the music swept him over softly. A faint pleasant tune providing him a sense of blissful ignorance and a way to ignore the hellscape thrashing about in his mind. But then it began to crumble. Bit by bit the barricades were ripped away allowing the music to turn sour and pound at his temples. Increasingly getting louder and louder until his eyes stung and lip quivered. A lump of self-hatred was caught in his throat, tightening the airway until he felt like he couldn’t breathe before he broke into a broken sob. His heart had drifted and burned a pit in the bottom of his stomach.

He didn't have a word - a phrase to describe what churned in his chest and prodded at his mind last night. The feeling was so familiar yet so out of his reach. Something rested its hands on his shoulders and whispered sweet little nothings about Steve into his ear. That something poured kerosene onto his skin and gave Steve the match to ignite it, to set his wrist on fire when he grabbed it and spread through the rest of his body in waves when he begged him to stay. The one that gave a devilish smirk behind Steve when he hugged him like he was never going to get to see him.

That something turned out to be Eros, and he in all of his grace had accompanied them under the pale moonlight, his wings engulfing them both with a sense of security that no one was going to interrupt this precious moment. And when the deity had to leave, he pressed a bittersweet kiss to Billy's lips to lock his fate and let him know for sure that he, Billy Hargrove, was in fact falling in love.

But it wasn't just with anyone, oh no, it was with Steve fucking Harrington.

Billy stared at himself in the mirror, fear flooding his eyes as he combed his fingers through his hair and yanked. His chest felt like it had been set ablaze while the rest of his body tried to fight the sobbing and somehow turn his mind back off.

He’s afraid, terrified. He let someone into his life, let them into his heart while simultaneously trying to keep it fully guarded. Steve had somehow made it past the barbed wire and bombs defending his mind, his emotions. . . him. His greatest fears danced around him and blurred his vision with every taunting step and scream as they kept reminding him of reality. How Neil wouldn’t hesitate to kill his ‘faggot’ of a son, how Hawkins would gladly shun him despite also having feelings for women as well, how no one has any remote amount of respect and care for him in the whole world other than Tommy Hagan because. . . well, he and Tommy had done some things. Confidential things.

But, what about Steve? Steve, he wouldn’t abandon him, would he?

Surely after everything they’ve done so far, all of the emotions that they’ve revealed and support they’ve given one another, surely Steve wouldn’t just leave him. Maybe he would just be uncomfortable. That or maybe he would never want to see him again.

But at the party, with what Steve had stated so calmly to him, like if it were a life long promise or pact that they would keep between one another. That he’s here for him, that he can help him.

Surely that wasn’t some stupid fucking lie that he said just to make him feel better. Surely the laughs, cries, and screams weren’t all a sick joke constructed against him. He tried to laugh through a cry, hum little bits of the song that was waging warfare with his thoughts, but it did nothing to ease the lump in his throat or the burning, stabbing, pain in his chest.

Emotional turmoil had been waiting for when the time was right to strike a jaded Billy Hargrove, almost as if it were a prophecy that he would’ve fallen for Steve and the flood gates would’ve busted open. Years of torment and abuse boiling down to self-hatred and fear that led to frustration and confusion. Billy questioned himself, especially after apologizing to Steve. He questioned if he should’ve gone to Steve’s last night, if it was alright to like both sexes, if it was alright to be human. All were stuck in the back of his mind and weren’t planning on leaving any time soon. Particularly the sexuality part, but also the human part, but mainly the sexuality part.

How the fuck is that even possible? To like both at once?

Billy shivered as he brought his knees into his chest, attempting to laugh again but only being met with more sobs. He didn’t want to have Neil’s ideals, he didn’t want to be anything like him. Every day felt like it was going to be his last, every time Neil yelled at him he felt like he was going to snap and then get killed for whatever bursts out of his mouth. Every time he got hit, he was reminded of his mother and how she left him without giving a reason why. He could imagine why she left, why she ran away from Neil, but not why she would leave Billy behind with him. There had been points where he had been covered with so many bruises that he couldn’t count them all, where he was afraid he was going to bleed to death out of his nose and mouth, where he had been fretful about crying himself to sleep because if Neil heard him he knew that he would come in there and ‘give him a reason to cry’.

There were the contemplations about running away, escaping to another town and pursuing another life. Cutting all of his hair and changing his name, hoping that he could find some kind of peace and maybe even find his mother, wherever she may be. There were undoubted contemplations about death as well. The l'appel du vide that chanted his name while he sped down abandoned streets near the quarry at night, screeched when looking at his pocket knife, cheered when he got dangerously drunk at a party. The void calls for him at times, but he doesn’t respond to it.

He doesn’t want to comply. He doesn’t want to give in to Neil and the abuse that has traumatized him.

But he has to give Steve credit for that.

Steve brings out something in him, something foreign that he can’t describe. Maybe. . . maybe it’s hope. The hope for a better life. The hope for someone to care. The hope for someone to. . . love him.

For Steve to love him.

Billy loves Steve, he doesn’t want to really admit it though. Will Steve love him back, or will he run away?

#enemies to friends to lovers #steve harrington #steve harrington x billy hargrove #Billy Hargrove #harringrove #mentions of abuse and suicidal thoughts #angst #crying #internalized homophobia #slowburn #oh no our boy is crying :(

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she-who-the-river-could-not-hold · 6 years ago

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100 Questions!

Tagged by the wonderful @janes-mike, @caseyk112, and @el-and-hop! Thank you!!

1. What is your nickname? People call me Kat and Kath usually! The Kath originally was just an online nickname but then my boyfriend’s coworker called me it this weekend so it’s an official one now! I just let people decide if they want to use a nickname I always go by my full name otherwise

2. How old are you? 23! I turn 24 in less than a month though yikes

3. What is your birth month? July!

4. What is your zodiac sign? sun sign: cancer, moon sign: aries

5. What is your favorite color? black

6. What’s your lucky number? eh I don't really have one

7. Do you have any pets? sadly no, but my parents have a cat and a dog back home!

8. Where are you from? Idaho

9. How tall are you? 5' 6"

10. What shoe size are you? 9

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I don't even know it's a lot lol

12. Are you random? I am such a creature of habit it's actually absurd

13. Last person you texted? my parents!

14. Are you psychic in any way? the closest I've gotten was having a dream about my teeth rotting only to go to the dentist to find out I was having issues with my gums

15. Last TV show watched? idk if I watched TV this past week? probably Altered Carbon or the 100

16. Favorite movie? IMPOSSIBLE. Potential answers are Mad Max: Fury Road or Gone Girl

17. Favorite show from your childhood? Idk the name of it but there was a show hosted by Michelle Trachtenberg where she talked about haunted places? or one called "Endurance"

18. Do you want children? yes! probably no more than two though

19. Do you want a church wedding? ehhhhh not sure. Not really but also it seems stressful to get married outside. Maybe I'll say fuck it and elope at the Taco Bell Cantina in Vegas where you can get married.

20. What is your religion? theistic agnostic with interest in wicca (and witchcraft but I know that’s not considered a religion usually but more of a spirituality?)

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? not since being born!

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? closest I got was running a stop sign in college but I just got a warning

23. How is life? life is good right now!! really thankful

24. Baths or showers? showers but only because I live in an apartment. My bath tub is tiny af

25. What color socks are you wearing? I'm wearing those footie sock thingies for when you wear slides so like a tan color

26. Have you ever been famous? I guess getting voted to homecoming court in high school counts? pretty sure it was a fluke though I didn't like many people hahah

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? only for the money but so much else of it suckkkkss

28. What type of music do you like? everything pretty much? I suppose I don't listen to country music much but as a whole I listen to a wide variety

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nope not really my thing

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? I have four on my bed but usually use two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my side

32. How big is your house? my apartment is a pretty good size I think for being in the city, it’s a two bedroom/two bath condo

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? a protein bar or toast!

34. Have you ever left the country? yes!

35. Have you ever tried archery? I might have at church camp once but I don’t really remember if I was good at it, I’d love to do it at a renaissance fair sometime!

36. Do you like anyone? I do and luckily he likes me too! three years and strong

37. Favorite swear word? fuck, it works for so many things. ass clown. bastards.

38. When do you fall asleep? usually around 11-11:30, I’d love to make that earlier

39. Do you have any scars? a couple leftover from the chicken pox!

40. Sexual orientation? straight

41. Are you a good liar? depends on what I’m trying to lie about

42. What languages would you like to learn? I used to be able to speak German so I’d love to get back into that! And then Spanish since I think that’s important as a person in the United States and I hate how bad I am at it

43. Top 10 songs? REFUSING TO ANSWER THIS

44. Do you like your country? Hmmmmmmmmmm. Yes and no. Currently our worst aspects are hella on display and I hate a lot of it. But I also enjoy living here since it’s where I’ve grown up and I’m interested in helping improve it. But obviously thanks to current politics I’m pretty angry about the state of things.

45. Do you have friends from the web? Oh man I’ve made so many friends on Tumblr in the last year! so yes I do!

46. What is your personality type? creative, type A

47. Hogwarts House? Slytherin

48. Can you curl your tongue? yep! just the hot dog style though not the clover thing

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? Hermione Granger 100%

50. Left or right handed? right, though I can sorta write with my left hand since I tried to train myself how to do it in high school

51. Are you scared of spiders? oh my god yes

52. Favorite food? ahhhhh. Maybe BBQ (South Carolina style) or Tex-Mex

53. Favorite foreign food? Probably Italian followed by German

54. Are you a clean or messy person? v messy but I’m really really really trying to get better

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? go out at night and not be afraid. enjoy having pockets.

56. What color underwear? uhh blue? I think?

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? if it’s a normal morning, Usually an hour. I’ll start showering around 7:30ish and then I’m usually dressed and ready by 8:30-40ish.

58. Do you have much of an ego? In some regards yes, in some no. I’m extremely confident in my work and what I put out there, but when it comes to myself as a person I have zero ego hahaha. Very far from it.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? I wait to bite until it’s nearly gone!

60. Do you talk to yourself? I mean internally yeah? but that’s just thinking right? so yes?

61. Do you sing to yourself? mmm not really. I’ll drunkenly sing but not a lot no

62. Are you a good singer? NOPE LOLOLOLOL

63. Biggest Fears? failure, not accomplishing my goals

64. Are you a gossip? I try not to be but I’m susceptible to it

65. Are you a grammar nazi? I used to be a lot worse but for the most part I’ve relaxed, unless it’s at work

66. Do you have long or short hair? I have medium length hair on the shorter end!

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? it took me ages to find a quiz that didn’t have a map with it but I was able to get 41/50 from memory in 4 minutes!

68. Favorite school subject? always was Art and English which has worked out pretty well!

69. Extrovert or Introvert? extrovert! to the fullest of the definition

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope! probably won’t because that shit sounds terrifying to me

71. What makes you nervous? the idea of failing, disappointing people I love

72. Are you scared of the dark? kinda? a bit of the unknown aspect of it

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? yessssss

74. Are you ticklish? terribly so but I’ve found the older you get the less people try to tickle you THANK GOD I will fight anyone that touches me

75. Have you ever started a rumor? not to my knowledge

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? yes!

77. Have you ever drank underage? Yep! though only a year or so off from the legal age

78. Have you ever done drugs? nope! I don’t think briefly smoking a cigarette, cigar, and hookah thing once each really count. Smoking is even a dramatic way to described it. Puffed a couple times and passed it off because meh.

79. What do you fantasize about? having enough money to be able to live in the place I want and have it furnished like I want, be able to travel everywhere, pay back my parents for everything they’ve helped me with, spoil the shit out of people, being able to donate to as many charities and creators that I can

80. How many piercings do you have? none! closed up my earlobes in middle school

81. Can you roll your R’s? I’m so hilariously bad at this it’s impossible for me

82. How fast can you type? I think last time I tested myself I did 90 wpm and 76 if I was typing on my phone

83. How fast can you run? not fast at all but I’m working on it

84. What color is your hair? brown

85. What color are your eyes? brown

86. What are you allergic to? nothing! unless it’s bullshit

87. Do you keep a journal? Tumblr count? otherwise nope

88. Are you depressed about anything? If I think too long about how we’re not doing anything about this planet, the lack of interest in gun control from our legislators, or the deaths in the Middle East that are at the fault of the US (intentionally or by us ignoring those who need help) I feel really helpless and sad. But nah not really.

89. Do you like your age? 23 is... chill. I think I’ve got until 25 to panic.

90. What makes you angry? EVERYTHING. Incompetent coworkers who don’t respect my job or process. Republicans across the board and a shit ton of establishment Democrats. That our Earth is dying. How people in this city don’t hold doors open for anyone. Wars that we support or won’t get out of or turn our cheeks to (as a nation). My inability to actually take care of myself/my laziness.

91. Do you like your own name? Yeah it’s cool! I like it more now I think. I also like old-fashioned sounding names.

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? I can’t speak for my very younger self but not that I can remember

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? I’d be fine with either! I’d have to scramble if I had only boys though I have infinitely more “girl” names that I like

94. What talents do you have? graphic design, art, writing, photography, badass houses in the sims (jk I’m okay at it), terrible puns

95. Sun or moon? MOON always

96. How did you get your name? it’s my late grandmother’s name!

97. Are you religious? Not massively, I grew up Lutheran and then went to a couple of different churches. Went through a hard atheist phase in middle school. Now I’m most comfortable identifying with the term agnostic theistic since long story short I’m not against the concept of a higher being, I believe things happen for a reason, I’ve always believed in energies, which can be connected to meditation and praying. I’m currently researching wicca and witchcraft though I’m probably far off from identifying with either of those. Oops that was long I have a lot of thoughts.

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? I haven’t actually, though considered one in high school for a brief amount of time.

99. Color of your bedspread? white with black flowers and green petals!

100. Color of your room? white walls since I’m renting

Tagging: @thezoomermax, @dustinhendrsn, @jane-el-hopper, @littledancersun, @sweet-sugar-sunsets, and @the-most-beautiful-broom!

#get to know me #good god this took ages

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citrusrei · 7 years ago

Text

Synthesize Me.

Reader x Taehyung Robot!AU Summary: When the CEO of Lovecraft Robotics assigns you the job of creating the ‘Perfect’ boyfriend, will it just be another project? Or will something deeper blossom? Genre: Fluff, Gets kinda hot n heavy in dis, ANGST (of course), future smut Word Count: 7.3k

Part 1 of ?

AN: You guys, it’s been so long but I am back and bettah than evah with another series lol. It’s probably not going to be tooooo long, like maybe 5 parts or so? My original plan was to make it one whole long one but decided with this in the end. I hope you all enjoy it! <3 tae has been fucking me up so haslkdjlaksl I got a lot planned for this character lol (also the paragraphs that are italicized are a flashback!)

"Ah," you yawned, bringing the back of one hand to your mouth as the other clicked furiously away at the keyboard in front of you, "Nearly. Finished."

The project you'd been assigned a bit more than a month ago was almost complete and you didn't know if you were excited or terrified. Maybe a bit of both?

The code you were currently typing was merely a test run, in all honesty. Once it was finished, you could boot up the subject and correct any flaws or errors that it had. Which, you didn't mind if it did because at least you'd finally be able to see the being you'd been creating for the past 4 weeks. Working on its genetic makeup, the perfect emotional control, the impeccable AI that learned as quickly as the blink of an eye and after researching numerous polls and statistics of how people enjoyed their men, not only on appearance but personality as well, you'd typed up the ultimate boyfriend. Its coding was right here in front of you on the black computer screen lettered in green, blocky font. With the tap of just a few more buttons, the final enter was pressed, and then it was complete; well, not completely complete.

The perfect code for the perfect boyfriend? Why would anyone need that? Well, the company you worked for; Lovecraft Robotics, was known for this kind of thing. It's a lonely world out there, isn't it? And everyone is deserving of love, but when you can't find it in the flesh; artificial is the next best thing!

Your company was known for its Perfect girlfriend models, the newest one released last year had won numerous awards and was praised beyond recognition. So, it was the people who preferred men's turn! Lovecraft Robotics was to unveil its new, sexy, steamy, Perfect boyfriend. Emphasis on perfect. Capable of learning from its mistakes, saying "I love you" at the perfect moments, and not to mention it's undeniable and insatiable lust for pleasing you oh so right!

You, being the mastermind behind one of last year's model's biggest weapons, the CEO of the company was quick to assign you as Chief Coder and in charge of the whole Perfect Boyfriend branch. You'd be working hands on, in completing the world's first Artificial Boyfriend and the public would be ecstatic when it was announced.

At first, you were a mess. It was such a big deal, and such a massive assignment that you thought there was no way you could do it by yourself. Yes, by yourself. It was a hush-hush situation for the most part, only your co-workers in the robotics lab knowing, some even lending some insight on what to add and what no to add. So, for the past 4 weeks, it was your life. You'd wake up, head to the lab, stay late into the night, go home and sleep, repeat. It was your schedule and you accepted it. But now, it was done. At least for now. It was the first test, the prototype. In beta, you could say. You knew there'd be things to tweak, but the hardest part was done and you decided were terrified. Scratch the excitement.

As the cloning machine took the data from the bulky computer before you, scanning its contents onto the mechanic model, dread filled your stomach. This was your first time doing this by yourself... this whole bringing a robot to life thing. It could very well go terribly wrong. The subject could go haywire and completely off rail and just destroy you and everything and everyone in the lab!

With a quick look at the bar on the screen in front of you, indicating its completion, you swallowed any doubt or paranoia lurking in you, and reminded yourself that you are a smart, and capable scientist! If anything, the model would malfunction and just not work. You didn't put any aggressiveness in its code and you didn't plan on teaching him any either, so it'd be okay, right?

The completion bar was almost at max. Suddenly, you swung your black chair around, facing the machine and waited just a few more seconds before a small 'ting' sounded off in the air. Your heart dropped into your gut as you waited for the cold, metal doors to swing open, revealing your masterpiece.

Not before long, a mechanic purr was heard and smoke swept from the cracks, blocking your view. The thick smog filled your lungs, causing you to gag and cough into your closed fist. You almost forgot just what you were waiting for until it spoke.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

Your eyes shot open, straight forward to the man that was standing before you and finally you could breathe again. It was like a fresh, spring day had been simulated in the room. Your lungs clear of any smoke, your muscles unclenched and a sigh of relief escaped your mouth. He was truly, perfect.

The subject had sandy, dark blonde hair, a bit too long as it was nearly covering his cacao eyes. You made a mental note to tweak that just slightly. His facial features were beyond remarkable. So broad, and chiseled and symmetric. It was almost too good but then you noticed the small mole on his tall nose and it gave you a sense of quirkiness, which is what you had in mind as you typed the little detail into his genetics folder. His lips were the prettiest shade of dusty rose and the ideal shape for his face, which was also impeccable. He had a jawline sharp enough to cut diamonds. From there, your eyes traveled further down, appreciating the slope of his collarbones to the about of fitness his torso held. And that was also when you realized that he was stark naked.

You looked away as a ruby red blush inked across the entirety of your face but still definitely noticed just how well-endowed he was as well. You had really outdone yourself. You deserved a pat on the back.

He moved forward a few steps, watching you curiously and you knew he was already learning; studying your reactions and body language as he scanned his vaults for the appropriate response.

"You're very red in the cheeks. Are you sick? Do you have a fever?" He pressed further, his neck craning as he looked at you from a different angle.

You shook your head hesitantly, muttering a quick 'no' before shuffling across the room to grab him some clothes. Just a simple white shirt with grey sweats. You tossed them to him, to which he clumsily grabbed, still trying to make sense of how to use his limbs and such.

"Put those on, please. You have to wear clothes for the most part."

He nodded quickly, shoving each leg forcefully through the leg holes and slipping the tee on in a breeze. Once he was finished with that, he looked upon you for guidance as to what to do next.

"Oh right, um... here," You said, handing him a booklet of rules and such that he needs to abide by, "Read this, and then tell me when you're finished."

He scanned it quickly and was done before you even sat down. "Okay, what's next?"

You turned around with wide eyes, mentally scolding yourself for thinking he'd take longer than a good 5 minutes. After all you were his creator, you knew him better than he knew himself.

Eager to learn, he was. But you found it somewhat endearing. He'd only been out of the machine for less than 3 minutes and you'd already fallen for him. He was definitely a keeper.

"Well, what do you feel like doing?" You asked him, sitting idly next to him on the long couch in your lab.

"Hm," He pondered, his eyes blinking slowly as his head cocked to the side, "I think I want to... lie down?"

"Then lie down. You should be able to do what you want like that. If you feel tired, then take a rest."

He looked at you, muttering something under his breath and then his eyes turned hard.

"Anything I want to do? I can... kiss you then?" He leaned in swiftly and thankfully your usually slow reflexes kicked in almost immediately.

"No!" You yelled, putting your arms up defensively, "you uh, you can't kiss me. I'm not the one you need to seduce."

"Oh." Was all he said as he backed up, returning to his straight-postured sitting position.

You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding and released your tight fists.

He was kind of an airhead, wasn't he? Maybe you'd missed something in his coding because you could have sworn you'd put in a bit more intelligence. Women like a smart man.

"Wait here," You spoke, raising yourself from the couch as the bot watched you saunter back to your desk, "OH, also. Think of a name for yourself. Something you think you'd like, okay?" You called back.

After a few tweaks to minor issues in his genetics and what not, he seemed up and running and well aware of everything. He was bright, a little too bright. He was curious, also a little too much. He was funny, oh boy, was he funny. It seemed like he thought his mission in life was to make you smile. Which you didn't mind at all, it was like it was too long since the last time you had a good laugh.

The day passed and suddenly it was nearly time for you to head home for the night, leaving you with hopes nothing crazy would happen to the bot over the 8 hours you were gone.

"So, what am I going to do when you're gone?" He asked.

You swung around in your black, leather chair to look up to him. His gaze was heavy and maybe you were just imagining it but seemed a bit sad. You almost didn't want to leave.

"Hm, well I was just going to shut you down for tonight." You began. His eyes bulged open, clearly not liking the idea of being offline.

"But, I think I can allow you to do some studying while I'm away. It's only for a few hours, but you have to promise me to stay in this room, okay?"

The man nodded smiling down to you, flashing his unique rectangular grin and you mimicked him right back.

"I'll give you this laptop for tonight," You breathed, reaching into your black work bag and handing the electronic to him, "Just look up what you deem fit. Nothing violent, nothing scary and nothing too weird okay?"

You laughed because you knew being on the internet it was kind of impossible to avoid, but he took it as a genuine command and agreed wholeheartedly. Was he about to learn tonight. You weren't concerned, however. You'd thrown in a 'knowing right from wrong' option in his folder a bit earlier today. Trial and error, you reminded yourself.

He shuffled back to the cream couch in the corner and began clicking away. Of course, he'd know what to do as soon as his flipped the screen open. His AI was top class. You made a mental note of toning it down tomorrow though. Even though you work hands on in a robotics factory, dealing with AI and everything, you thoroughly believed in that scientist who said to be careful with it. The market for robots were on the rise and it wasn't going to slow down anytime soon. Especially, with a man like this coming to hit the shelves.

"Oh, that reminds me," You spoke as you wrapped your wine-colored scarf around your neck, "Did you decide on a name?"

The man sat in silence for a second before looking to you, "Yes, I've thought a bit. How about Renaldo? It's rather regal, in my opinion."

Your face scrunched together, which made him laugh. He'd noticed your displeasure and decided to throw out a few uglier ones such as Gerald, Linus and even Beethoven von Beethoven. Whatever the hell that was. But finally, he settled on something simple and something that suited him completely.

"Taehyung. I like that one. I'd decided on it since you asked me this morning." He quipped.

Taehyung. You repeated it in your head probably a million times. The flow of it was like water, trickling down a summer creek and felt as right as the sun coming up in the morning to the moon making its home in the sky at night.

"Hmm," you mused, "I like it. Very much so."

Your soft grin was wiped from your face as the ping of your cellphone chimed, bringing you back from the clouds. You pulled it out of your lab coat, and as the screen lit up, you saw it was a text from your fiancé. Yes, fiancé. You were engaged to a man you'd been with for nearly 5 years. A man who knew little of what you were doing at work, and you planned on keeping it that way. Not that you were doing anything bad, because you weren't. But, he'd definitely get jealous and be overdramatic and more than likely make you give up the project that'd been your baby so long. That was not about to happen.

"Who was it?" Taehyung piped, peaking from over the screen of the laptop.

"Huh? Oh, it was my fiancé." You hummed mindlessly, typing a quick response to him and shoving the small item back into your pocket.

The fast clicking from the laptops keys stopped abruptly, but only for a couple of seconds before they began to clack again.

"Oh, you have a fiancé? Why are you trying to create the perfect boyfriend then?"

"It's my job. Other ladies and men out there who like men need love too right? Especially if they can't find it naturally?"

"Naturally?" He mimed back. His eyes dropping to his lap, looking as though you'd killed his puppy.

"Yes, naturally. Like, when the bars aren't just cutting it anymore or every date you go on fails. You turn to Lovecraft Robotics-"

"Like a last resort?" He interjected.

"Huh? No! I'd think of it as more of a saving grace. I mean, you guys are quite literally the perfect spouse."

"Well, not exactly. We can't get pregnant or get people pregnant. We don't actually feel things, we're merely programmed to say it. It's like we're an empty shell for some horny bastard out there looking for a sex slave or something."

"A sex slave? Of course there are people out there like that. But I've heard many success stories from men and women who have fallen in love with their Perfect Girlfriends. Your AI is quite capable of learning emotions which in turn, you really do feel. I think you've already learned one." You smiled.

"Oh yeah, what?" He squirmed.

"Well, in my eyes, I see that you've already learned stubbornness. Most men are stubborn anyways, so don't worry about it. You're one step closer to becoming a truly perfect boyfriend."

He stayed quiet at that, even stopping his fast typing as he sat with thoughts buzzing around in his artificial mind.

"I have a question." He said, removing the laptop from his lap and pulling his legs on to the couch to get a bit comfier.

"If I wasn't made for you, why was I made at all?"

"Ah, you're barely a day old and you're already having existential thoughts?" You joked, but Taehyung did not seem to laugh.

"You were made as my first prototype for Lovecraft Robotics perfect boyfriend. You are going to be the basis of what the rest of your kind will be based on. They won't look like you, though. We have thousands of variations of models ready to be brought to life. Plus, we can even take requests from the higher payers out there on what they want their Perfect to look like. A literal dream man come to life."

"I'm your dream man?" He laughed.

In a way he was, you figured. You were the one to choose the traits you liked the best from the numerous lists you'd looked up before and it turned out to be a winning combo in your eyes. So, you decided he was your subconscious dream man.

"Well, no. Not really. I based you off of polls and such in terms of looks. You're handsome, don't get me wrong. But not my type, per say. You're rather tall. I like my guys a bit smaller... darker hair as well."

"So, your dream man is your fiancé then, I'm assuming?"

"A-ah, well no not really either. Your dream man or woman doesn't have to be who you fall in love with."

Taehyung soaked in your words, never letting a single one drop as he absorbed them and stored it into a file deep in his circuits. He'd definitely remember that.

"Hmm... Well, maybe you should head home to him then," He smirked, "The lucky guy. Ah, I don't know whether to be jealous or angry. Maybe a bit of both?"

You smiled at his blatant flirting, knowing he'd have fallen for you. That was in his makeup, he was in fact supposed to fall in love with his owner. Of course, there was the clause in that allowed him and all other bots in the Perfect line to leave their human companions if it turned out they didn't like them or whatever the case. Even robots deserved that basic human right.

It was rare though. Of all the bots you'd seen stories about, maybe only 3 or 4 out of 1000 had left. They were reassigned to new owners and found their happiness. If you were being honest with yourself, you secretly hoped Taehyung would never want to leave you. Even if your relationship was never romantic or sexual, having him around was something you really enjoyed. You'd only known him less than a day and you were sold. But you also pinned it on the fact that working in a lab by yourself all day could get quite lonely. The company was something you didn't even realized you missed.

"Well, don't pout all night. I'll come back to you in the morning. Don't stay up too late too. You still gotta sleep to charge! Remember," You pointed at Taehyung sternly, "Stay here. No wandering."

Taehyung squinted his eyes, waving you off with the flick of his wrist, "Yes, I know. Now go before you make your man mad. Unless, you'd like to stay here with me?"

You blinked a few times before yelping a quick, "Nope!" And then you were out the door.

The brisk autumn air settled your mind on the short walk back to your shared apartment from the lab. This morning you were absolutely terrified of the unknown. Taehyung could have gone completely wrong in more ways than one, but for the most part, he was well, perfect. You were really impressed with your work on him and you wanted to do nothing more than to talk about it with everyone, especially your fiancé, Rowoon.

He was always very positive about the work you did, speaking highly of it and even offering some advice and tips of the genetic build as he was a biologist. Of course, that was with the Perfect Girlfriend line though, so he didn't have much to be 'concerned' about. Even now, there was no reason for him to get jealous. You were in love with him and you were not the type to cheat even if it were with an artificial dick. You weren't going to fall in love with Taehyung or any other robot man so he shouldn't worry. You figured it'd be the best to keep it from him for now, though. Once it was announced and released, he'd find out and he'd be mad at first, but by then the two of you would be married so you'd basically have trapped him anyways. Like, what was he going to do, divorce you?

You laughed at your thought process, complimenting yourself on your own humor. You were sure people walking by might have thought you were crazy but that didn't bother you. Another one of your thoughts was 'How many people walking by right now are Artificial?'

Even though you'd been in the company for years, and been surrounded by them for just as long, it was near impossible to tell the difference. They were so lifelike from the features, to their mannerisms, and the most realistic of all- thanks to your genius brain; an artificial heart that coincides with their AI. It beats as a normal heart, but speeds up when they're around the one they love, or if they become upset. It even slows down as they're charging, just as a human's does when they're sleeping. So, with realistic skin and eyes, to a heartbeat. It was beyond difficult to tell who was real and who was, well, not.

You didn't like that though. You hated calling the bots fake, because they weren't fake. They were here, physically and emotionally. It wasn't a hologram or an illusion. You saw them daily with your own eyes so how could they be fake? You understood what people meant when they didn't see them fit as real, however. They aren't real people because they were made in a lab, they have metal skeletons, they're incapable of feeling emotions. But that was quite the contrary.

You were amazed with science and just how far it'd come in the past few years. We'd found ways to make them feel real and deep emotions. To shed tears when they're upset, or to laugh when they become overjoyed, even becoming aroused when stimulated. It was impressive, and you knew that if you didn't have Rowoon you'd be down for giving one a shot.

So, when anyone slammed the idea of having an artificial lover, or friend; because not all bots were made to be just a significant other, you just laughed. There would always be people who were closedminded, and even though it was slightly upsetting, you weren't going to let it bother you.

Once inside your apartment, your nostrils were filled with the scent of your vanilla orange candle you'd burned just this morning. The heat from the radiator hugged your body as you shed off the heavy parka you'd worn outside. You called for your fiancé and were met with a hum from the kitchen, beckoning you to where he was.

"Hello there, love," Rowoon cooed, wrapping his arms around you as soon as he saw your frame enter the room, "how was work? You're home later than usual. Did you eat?"

His worrying made you feel bad. Him being a biologist made his hours different from yours and the only time the two of you had seen each other recently were in the mornings as he's just waking up and you're heading out the door and the evenings where you wouldn't get home until he was ready for bed, all cozied up in his pajamas. You had the weekends, but the next few months of training and tweaking Taehyung were going to eat those up. But, you figured if the two of you could last 5 years with one another, a few more rough months would be a cake walk!

"I'm sorry, dear... I got caught up at work and lost track of time. But it went well! Also, I ate a bit earlier so I'm not that hungry. Thank you for asking."

Rowoon grinned down at you, bending over slightly to peck your lips, "My little hard worker! Such an overachiever, I bet your colleagues are so envious of you." He sing-songed.

You almost cackled as it was quite the opposite. Nobody in your department wanted a job of that size, especially when it was to be done alone and in secret. Nobody in their right minds would want that. But it was apparent that you weren't in your right mind. You never regretted taking it and you didn't think you would ever come to regret it even within the next few months of testing and kinking out any errors. Even if Taehyung malfunctioned, which was very likely considering how early staged he was; you wouldn't regret it. You had that whole 'If you fail, try again' mindset. You had people to prove wrong and you weren't about to let them win.

When your CEO announced you as the person who'd take on the project, people were relieved. But just because they weren't the ones who had to do it. You were newer to the company and hadn't made much of a name for yourself besides that artificial heart feature, which everyone loved. But, you were still young, fresh out of college and despite your impressive resume and intelligence, the majority of your coworkers doubted you could handle something like this. They thought, if they couldn't manage something like that, then, how could you?

Your friend in the office, Jinyi was the only one to cheer you on. She figured that if the CEO could choose you as someone to handle a large scaled project like this, then you were more than capable. Before the project, you worked with her on the company's Perfect Pet line. They had dogs, cats, fish and were now working on a line of rodents, which you thought was the oddest thing because who would want a robot pet when there are real ones out there that needed to be adopted and such, but, to each their own.

"So, how's the coding going?" Jinyi asked, stuffing her mouth the leafy, green salad she'd been eating for lunch.

"It's going okay. It's a lot more than I expected honestly. I mean, it's been 3 weeks and I'm here from 7:00am to 11:00pm every day and I'm only about 30% done." You sighed, gently flicking a limp piece of lettuce around your tray.

She nodded slightly, "Yeah. It's going to be like that. Do you have a deadline for the final product?"

"No, thankfully," You breathed, "My ideal deadline was 3 months. But, it might take a bit longer than that."

Jinyi knew where you were coming from. It was like she had some super power that made it so she was perfectly able to empathize with someone. She always knew what to say and when to say it and her advice was extremely solid. You'd go as far to say that she was more than just a work buddy, but maybe even a good friend, if not your closest.

"Well, I know you and I know you'll get it done flawlessly as usual. That's why CEO chose you, right? We're both rooting for you, so cheer up!" She grinned, flashing you her flawlessly pearly whites.

You smiled back, her words really cheering you up. She was the epitome of happy vitamin and you envied that. If you could be as optimistic as her, life would be a lot easier.

"Do you have a name for it yet?" She continued.

"Nope. I added something so that he can think of his own name. I think that's a lot nicer than naming it ourselves. It's unique. I just hope he won't pick a weird name like Reginald, or Archibald."

Jinyi let out a little squeak of a giggle as the mental image of the quite literal perfect man naming himself something of the likes of Archibald.

"Well I hope not either. That'd be um, not good." She laughed.

"Yeah. Well, I can't seem to find my appetite so I'm going to head back to the lab, okay? See you!" You waved her off as you sprinted back to lab. There was nothing more you wanted to then to finish it quickly and show everyone the capable scientist you were. But once you entered your laboratory, it looked like you'd have another obstacle to overcome.

Jihoon. Little, grumpy, Jihoon.

He was your rival of sorts. You never considered him or anyone competition, but not because you thought you were the best, you just weren't petty enough to put yourself up against your coworkers.

As soon as the door opened, the small man in front of you jumped back, distancing himself from your computer with the coding screen pulled up.

"What are you doing?" You asked, slightly panicked because you weren't sure of the last time you'd saved and if he had deleted anything, who knows how long you'd be set back.

"O-Oh, nothing! I was just looking over your progress. The boss told me to." He lied. There was no way the CEO asked him to do it when he had stressed to you just how mum he wanted to keep the whole operation.

"Mhm, now that you've looked it over, you can leave, right?" You didn't want to deal with Jihoon today. Not after your pity fest at lunch you were still recovering from.

"Well, n-not just yet! I need to run over the mechanics and quality of the machines you'll be using as well. Even though, from the looks of it, it'll be a while before you even use them." He sneered, his face twisting into the look of an ugly fox.

You winced at his comment, but you weren't going to let it bother you. You promised yourself that. Jihoon was the biggest mastermind behind the Perfect Girlfriend line, but had a team to work with unlike you. They could code and bang out bots within days, so of course this was something he'd throw in your face just to ruffle your feathers any way he could.

"Just check it over and leave. I have things to do."

"Yeah, a lot of things." He hummed under his breath, but you heard it anyways.

As he did a sweep of your lab, you returned to the computer, going over everything quickly to make sure he didn't touch anything or change anything. Thankfully, he didn't.

"Okay, it seems everything is in good shape. I'll show my way out then, ___," He chided, "Oh and B.T.W... if you want to make the boss happy, I'd suggest working a little faster. Maybe you should start sleeping here in the office?" But before you could retaliate, he was gone. You wanted to scream because he frustrated you so much. You couldn't believe so much hate could fill that little body of his.

In private, You and Jinyi called him the Little Devil. He was nasty, but he was smart, so it made him seem as if he were just trying to help, but his silver tongue was always present.

Anyways, you had better things to do than dwell. Your reputation was on the line, and you weren't going to let that crumble. Especially to some demon man. You wanted so show him up the most.

The night left as quickly as it came and suddenly the blare of your alarm was awaking you, 7:00am sharp.

You groaned as the loud beeping interrupted your deep slumber and soft dreams of cotton clouds and milky candies. To why you were dreaming of that; you had no idea.

Rowoon groaned, reaching over to the clock and pressing the snooze button. He entwined his arms around your waist, pulling himself closer to you and nuzzling into your bedhead.

"Mm, you smell good." He hushed, pressing gentle kisses near your earlobe and neck. But, you weren't feeling it. You had Taeh-work... Work to get to. Now wasn't the time to fool around.

"R-Rowoon, dear," You squeaked, pushing his arms away from you to no avail, "I smell like body sweat, probably. It was hot last night. Plus, I haven't even brushed my teeth."

But, Rowoon snuggled harder, now sucking a small black and purple patch right near the sensitive spot at the base of your neck.

"I don't care," He mumbled, moving on to a different location a bit further south, "I like you best like this. Au Natural, if you'd say? Pheromones? C'mon, baby. It's been so long..."

His tone was attempting to be seductive, but came out in more of a whine which failed to turn you on; not that you were in any way beforehand.

It had been a while, though. Before your big project with your company, Rowoon was taking later shifts at his lab for some project of his. Your jobs were almost always opposite from each other's it'd seemed. If he worked nights, you were working days, if you worked weekends, he had it off. It was really amazing how you'd made it last between the two of you. Part of you thought it was just habit at this point, neither of you willing to quit the routine of being together. But, the other part, the one who liked to ignore that side, thought it was because the two of you were still in love. After five years together, the two of you just as in love as the first time you'd met, or at least, something like that. It was easy being with him, and you liked easy.

"I-I know, but I'm really just swamped at work and all I can think about is getting it done. It's not really putting me in the mood, ya know?"

Rowoon looked at you deeply before sighing, definitely let down and discouraged.

"You're right, dear. You must be dealing with a lot since you can't even talk about it," He frowned, his tone almost bitter, "Just one kiss and I'll let you go get ready."

His understanding for the most part, meant the world to you. He understood you were busy, that you couldn’t talk about your project, and he respected that. Even though you felt beyond guilty, you really appreciated his sentiment and once this whole ordeal was over, you had major plans to repay him, and make up for lost time.

However, your quick peck turned into another one, and then one more, until it was a full blown make out session, but after getting into the rhythm of it, you didn't really mind. Maybe even being a few minutes late to work wouldn't be such a bad thing anyways...

Your tongues meshed together as his heavy pants entered your mouth and you thought to yourself that he was way too turned on for how early it was. Rowoon tested his luck even further by climbing on top of you, his not so subtle hardness poking your thigh in the process. Your throat tightened at the thought of having sex with him. You were nervous for some odd reason. In the end, you pinned it down to the fact that it'd just been a while, because it had! That's exactly what it had to be, right? But, as his hand traveled down and under your pajama shorts, you ignored the little voice in the back of your head warning you just how alien and foreign his touch felt.

8:09. You were nine minutes late thanks to your short escapade just a bit earlier. And by short, did you mean just that. It gave a new meaning to the term 'quickie'. He'd lasted long enough to get about 4 or 5 good thrusts in and then he was coming, practically cross-eyed and red in the face. But why would something that short make you late for work? Well, it's not like you'd have been able to come in the 30 seconds he lasted, and he'd worked you up enough to the point where you'd like to get off too, so, your usual morning shower of 15 minutes turned into 30. In between the process of cleansing and rinsing, you'd taken some time to finish what he couldn't have and in that moment, you were just so grateful for certain items being waterproof.

You rushed into your lab, nearly breaking a sweat and began working as quick as possible just in case your boss had decided to pop in and check on you. You'd never been late before, and you weren't about to have the only time you were be the time you got caught.

That was something he was known for, your CEO; the random visits. He moved like a shadow, truly just popping up out of nowhere. Whether he was just curious, or asking for a project report, or even stopping in to say a quick 'Hello', it was always the most unusual, and more than likely awkward moments. Like the time you were riddled with seasonal allergies and had a booger far enough back that it just would not come out for the life of you, so you did what any normal person would do and started digging for gold; who walked in? You already know.

Thankfully, that was about as far as it got for you. Plus, you were good at following rules and directions so every other time he'd pop in, you were busy at your desk, typing away, doing exactly what you were supposed to be doing. But you'd heard rumors of him walking into places at just the right, well, wrong moments. Like, last year for example. A girl had just started working here but she quickly found herself in an office romance. So, one day, while her and her conspirator were getting it on in the closet, who walks in? You already know. None other than the CEO himself claiming he needed another roll of paper towel and waiting took too long so he'd gone to get it himself. Needless to say, the two ladies in the question were promptly fired.

So, as you set your belongings down and swung your white lab coat over your shoulders, praying today wouldn't be the day for a random inspection, you pulled up your black computer chair, booting up the machine in front of you and typed away.

You were already so overwhelmed with today that you just could not focus, so your body followed the usual routine as your subconscious was elsewhere. Your fingers typed and clicked open the coding you'd been working on for months; Taehyung's Code. But before you could add anything, which in turn would ruin the current flow of his mechanisms, someone came up behind you, speaking right into your ear.

"What are you doing?" They whispered.

You jumped up from your seat with a small yelp, grabbing your wireless keyboard as some form of protection as you held it back to swing at the stranger. But it was no stranger, not really. Just Taehyung.

His eyes widened before a loud cackle left his throat, "What are you doing, ___?! Did you forget I was here?" He wheezed, falling down to the couch dramatically in a fit of laughter.

"I-I didn't forget, I don't think?" You mumbled, setting down the keyboard and bringing a hand to your forehead, "Sorry I'm just really out of it or something."

Taehyung laughed again, "It does seem as so. I mean, you were nine minutes late this morning. Why was that?"

He looked at you knowingly, his eyebrows doing a little wiggle, but how could he have known? It's not like he was a mind reader or fortune teller, just... a robot?

"I got caught up in the shower... lost track of time." You dismissed, turning around back to your computer and studying the code, going over your notes from yesterday to fix any errors.

"Sure, but typically showering doesn't result in hickey's now does it, ___? Unless of course, that happened with someone in the shower?"

He was walking into uncharted territories and even though you could essentially wipe his memory, you didn't want to even bring up this morning to him. It was embarrassing and pathetic if you were being quite honest. Like, what would you even say to him? "Oh, it was from my fiancé, who ya know couldn't last long enough to pleasure me so I got off in the shower and that’s why I was late!" When did he even see that hickey? How could you have forgotten Rowoon even gave it to you! Of course, you could have lied, saying that Rowoon did do enough to satisfy you, but for some reason, you didn't like the thought of it. Taehyung was pure- okay scratch that. He's not pure, in the sense of sexuality and such, but the boy had never been lied to before, and you did not want to be the first person to do it.

"Just, drop it. Please? My mind is already all screwy and thinking about that is just going to be another headache."

Taehyung watched you as your head fell into your arms on your desk. What was with today? Why were you suddenly so ridiculously stressed out? They say orgasms are a way to relieve stress but this seemed to have just caused the opposite! Maybe your body wasn't used to the influx of oxytocin and was having some weird reaction to it. You'd definitely need to have them more often because if this is what it's like after not having one for so long, you wouldn't be able to deal.

All of a sudden, a pair of firm, warm arms; yes, warm, wrapped around your shoulders, along with a head snuggling into the back of yours and resting there.

"It's okay, darling," Taehyung spoke, his voice so gentle, and fluid and melodic that it nearly gave you goosebumps, "it's okay to be stressed out. Not to mention having a fiancé that can't even pleasure you properly."

"If you were mine," He continued, "I'd treat you like a Goddess. All of my attention would be put to you and you'd be so satisfied, that you couldn't walk anymore, and if you could, well... I'd make sure that wouldn't be the case." His tone turned from soft to hard in a split second and you couldn't stop your mouth from watering. Normally, dirty talk didn't do anything for you, but now, you couldn't help but feel the warmth pool in the pit of your stomach. He was barely even talking dirty! Maybe that orgasm this morning really did do more harm than good.

"T-Taehyung," You tried to speak, your voice nearly failing you, "L-et go of me, p-please." But he just held on tighter, his left-hand snaking down a bit further than you'd like right now, but if he continued his talking... you didn't know what could happen.

"But why? I know you like when I'm near you. When I'm touching you. Look, I haven't even touched you proper and your heart rate has already jumped. You're swallowing often, your cheeks are flushed, you haven't even pushed me away."

He was right, some sick part of you liked it. You were fucking engaged to another man yet here you were enjoying some robots touch more than his. This had to stop. You could not let it go any further. Taehyung had to go offline, at least until you cooled off. But, as you reached to hit the button, he grabbed your wrist, bringing your hand to his mouth as he kissed each knuckle gingerly. You didn't dare look up to him, if you did, you'd know it'd be game over. It would be whatever goes, and you really, really couldn't let that happen.

As if reading your mind once again, Taehyung untangled his other arm from around you, never letting go of the hand he already had, and spun your chair around. You kept your head down, your hair falling into your eyes and you promptly shut them. Anything to keep yourself from looking at the man before you. Suddenly though, Taehyung lifted your chin up, beckoning you to look at him. He laughed at the sight.

"Look at you..." He teased, "Don't fight it so hard. I want this, I know you want this. Just let it happen." His voice sounded so close, you just knew his face was directly in front of yours. And out of morbid curiosity, you looked. Your eyes peeping open to view the beautiful man known as Taehyung, just as you'd expected him. And fuck, was that a mistake.

His eyes were blown out, his lips wet as if he'd recently licked them, even his own cheeks tinted a darker shade of crimson. He was the definition of sex, and you craved him. But what he uttered next, was what pushed you over the edge.

"There you are... My pretty doll," He smiled, his hand moving from your chin to grace your flushed cheeks, his eyes softening but never losing their luster,

"Let me worship you."

AN: sajkldjals I can’t believe this is finally out lol. I’m sorry for being so inactive but I’m really trying to change that! I hope you all enjoyed the first part though! Please leave some sort of feedback <3 it is much appreciated!

#noonanet #bts scenarios #bts #kpop scenarios #kpop #v bts #kim taehyung #taehyung bts #taehyung scenarios #v scenarios #YOU GUYS #i posted something I'M SO HAPPY JASKDJSLA

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batfam-imagines · 7 years ago

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Reader’s Choice

So I have a pretty long request list!! If you want to help me choose, just send the number of the request to my Inbox! Just let me know that the number is a “Reader’s Choice”

If you have more than one you’d like to see, put the numbers in the order you’d prefer!!!

If anyone wants to use one of these prompts, please ask first!! Thank you!

Rules: Please only choose a MAX of 3. I will be updating this monthly, and will only accept your choices for 2 day each month. Please only send in your choice numbers during those 2 days! Thank you!!

Send your three votes to my inbox! If you post them as a comment they will not be counted!!!

If I forget to update this, don’t hesitate to remind me on the 1st of every month, but only on the 1st.

Currently Accepting Requests From This List!!

1. Hi, A! Can you make a Conner x Abused!witch reader please? Where reader is abused by her whole family, because while she is a good person her family aren't? Can you also make the reader fall in love with Conner and the feeling is mutual? By the way, love your imagines.

2. Can you write something where batsis has a stalker and it starts off cute but gets more dangerous?

3. Can you write something where Tim gets really hurt while patrolling with Jason and he has to save him. Can you write it with some angst please.

4. could you please write about Atlantean Batmom, who's maybe Arthur’s sister, and meets Bruce through him? Batmom prefers to not interfere with the league or Atlantis and the kids don't know about her heritage out of fear for their safety until she uses her abilities to prevent a catastrophe or something like that.

5. Could you do and imagine of Catwoman's accomplish/niece being best friends with Damian and Damian leaves with the teen titans making her sad and jealous. I really love your writing and this would make my week

6. batsis possessed by the Enchantress

7. would you do a batsis imagine where she assaulted by one of her close guy friends and couldn't stop it, so she starts withdrawing from her family and friends. she feels weak and doesn't want them to judge her until jason finally gets her to tell him what happened after she tries to kill herself?

8. Red Hood get thrown through the window of your local Book store and list three good reads for you before he’s up on his feet again guns blazing.

9. Love your oldest batsis character! Could you do maybe one where is a good singer/musician and she sings them lullaby’s when they are hurt and around the house and in the shower?

10. May I request a oneshot please, where Jon and Dami befriend a shapeshifter/reader, who's either their age or a year younger, and none of the Justice League (including Bats and Super) know about them. So it's either the Justice League finding out about them or stupid pranks (like identical Damian’s) that they pull on the Justice League?

11. Hello! I was wondering if you could maybe do a second post to the bat mom killing the joker fic? I would love to see Bruce's and the rest of the family's reaction to that. That would be awesome!

12. Can I request where Batsis/reader has terrible insomnia, so she only gets probably an hour a sleep every day or something, and she is always up walking around the manor at odd hours of the night. She hides it from the Batfam with makeup and such. And it's basically the Batfam finding out about Batsis's terrible insomnia. Thank you!

13. hello! i still hope your requests are still open as i wanted to send in something! could you do a Jason Todd imagine where he and the reader have a meet-cute in the library and he develops a huge crush? he talks about her constantly to Roy to the point he gets frustrated and drags him to her, only to find out it's his younger sister (or if you prefer close friend)

14. Could you do a little sister au where bat!sis wants to join her brothers and father on patrol and follows them around all day in attempt to get them to agree to let her go and eventually Bruce agrees to take her for a few minutes in her own adorable little suit and it's just super fluffy? Sorry this is long and if that's confusing. I love you're writing and thank you so much

15. Lil Sis Au. w/ reader watches and imitates older sibling when they spar/fight??

16. I saw requests were open and I was wondering if you could write being a single mom and falling in love with single dad Roy please and thank you

17. I wish you would write a fic where sick jay is cared for by his loving fam and reader

18. Hello! Could you possibly do a Batmom! Reader who's like really short. Like shorter than Damian and she has trouble having some of the batboys take her seriously?

19. So I had a shitty day, maybe a thing where batsis had an anxiety attack, then her biological dad (who is an asshole to her) make her depressed and the batfamily helps her through it

20. Could you write a wing au with the wings mimicking emotions with Tim Drake please?

21. For the fantasy au thing with winged people, could I please request Older Damian's SO's feathers falling out from stress and him trying to help her?

22. I'm sorry if this is a bad request, you can change the aspects of it if you want to: I am a dragon AU (with any fandom or even not fandom related) but reader is a dragon and a knight has to slay the dragon but the knight can't do it... Thus the knight sneaks out every night because become really good friends in the end of it. Anyway before I end this request I would like to say your writing is amazing and I can't wait to read more from you!! Thanks for reading and keep up the fantastic writing!!

23. Could you please do something with Bruce helping a batdaughter deal with a bad hit of fear toxin? It could be as sweet or angsty as you like, whatever you feel like doing!

24. Hi!! Can I request an imagine Dick and batsis (reader) are in the same school event/gym class and it's a sparring section and they laugh it all off, and have to deal with elementary level self defense class, maybe fording themselves to lose to dummies and then when they can finally spar each other they go all out? And the class goes crazy loving it? Also:: can you tag @batty4dc

25. Hiiii I would like to request a fiction with jason, something like the reader can control the four elements and those are represented by the bat-boys (dick-water/ jason-fire / Tim-air / Damian- earth). The reader is obviously more interested in the fire element so jason. I really like something with some fluff but also passionate (like light smut if you do that). U don't know if the request is clear but thank you.

26. Older Batsis coming home from a rough night on patrol to find one of her brothers sitting on her couch? Whichever brother you prefer!

27. Can I request Terry McGinnis w/ a telepathic/telekinetic s/o and they flirt a lot during patrol so Bruce always scolds them

28. Is there any way you can do a part 2 to the Damian Wayne x reader My Mate?

29. Can request jason flirting with a telepathic/telekinetic reader

30. Hi! I was wondering if you could do this request for me? I want a Damian x Reader, Please! I was thinking that the plot could be that Damian used the bully the reader because maybe she was deaf or something like that. The bullying gets so bad that the reader switches school, and Damian feels so guilty. Years later, Damian sees the reader once more, and he tries to make amends. Angst at first then maybe something sweet? Thank you! Love your writing!

31. Batboy of your choice dating a single mom

32. Can you write an hc were Batmom has a daughter that's in her teens that clings to Batmom and the boys think she's an attention hog they wind up in a fit and she starts crying and Batmom comes in and stops them and they find out she has awake terrors and that's why she's clingy to mom because she's scares so they start helping with her and now she's clingy with all of them. Thank you for your time, bye.

33. oh hi how about when reader died or get hurt really bad maybe after she get married to jason/Dami *boi you can chose* and she was pregnant if you chose to her to stay alive the baby died if you chose to her to die than both of them is dead :'c sorry but I really need to read something sad #rosegurl🌹

34. Can you do an imagine on being 16 and being the youngest member of the suicide squad and there all really protective of you and you start to date or something

35. Ok, how about this. Damian with a neko reader. He would definitely go crazy and want to pet her ears. Please and thank you

36. How would the JL and Batfam react if they found out that Batmom outsmarted the Joker on her own. Like he kidnaps her because hey Bruce, you're rich af, and instead of crying and praying for rescue she scolds Joker and he's like, wow ok, I see your point. He doesn't immediately become a grade A citizen or something but, you get the gist. Thx love!

37. "i didn't mean to hurt your feelings" with Tim and jason please?

38. hey can i get an older! Damián x reader imagine based on fools by lauren aquilina??

39. Can I request a Tim X Reader? Where Tim meets the reader at a bookshop and they hit it off. Fluffyness please. Bonus if the rest of the Batfam teases Tim about her.

40. Yes yes do a fix with Ariel and Damian I'm begging you ❤ and I love the prince of the sea, it's so cute to think of Jay as innocent merman

41. So I was going through your work and found this thing about batsis, and how villains loved her. And now all I can think is batsis having some recital or fucking graduation or something, and half the fucking crowd is there for her. There's villains, anti-hero's, super-heroes. Their all there for her omg.

42. Oh oh oh can you write Jason being in love with reader who's close friends with all the batboys and she's especially close to dick and Jason gets jealous and upset and super insecure because he thinks she likes dick when in reality she's in love with Jason (you can do the ending anyway you want)

43. For face the music, how about some cute Connor x reader moments. Like he hears her laugh for the first time(really hard at that) then she's about to walk out her her pajamas (I sleep with an over-sized shirt and my underwear cuz it's hella comfy) And then some bonding time with Conner, Reader, and Talia?

44. Hey! Can you please do another Nsfw to dick speaking Romanian? I just read the first one and I really really liked it

45. Hey, could you pleaassee do something with a sick reader?? I've been trying to find one everywhere and can't.

46. Part 2 for New Sons!

#prompts #my requests #my request list

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littledonkeyburrito · 7 years ago

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I will wear jeans in hell

1. Do you think it’s rude when people speak slowly when talking to people that don’t know English well? No, it’s helpful, especially if the english speaking person has an accent the other person isn’t used to. I wish people would speak slower to me in spanish. The worst is when you ask them to speak slower and they repeat the exact same thing at the exact same speed. Speak slower but don’t be condescending.

2. What’s irritating you right now? My heater isn’t warm enough and my feet are cold.

3. Do you feel comfortable with answering personal questions? Depends on the question. I like telling stories about myself and my life but I don’t enjoy getting into emotions and stuff.

4. Would you ever sleep with someone to get a job? Depends on the job and who I have to sleep with.

5. Would you ever travel by yourself? I have, several times. And I will again at the end of the month when I go to Paris, although I’m hoping to be able to meet up with someone to go to Disneyland with.

6. When was the last time you consumed alcohol? I had a beer yesterday I think. Or maybe it was the day before, idk

7. When will you see your best friend next? January at the absolute earliest

8. Have you ever broken a bone? No

9. Would you introduce the last person you kissed to your parents? Sure, but not as my partner

10. Are any of your friends virgins? Yeah

11. Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or laying down? Standing up

12. If you could seek revenge on someone would you? There was one person I was pretty cranky at for a while but I don’t care anymore.

13. What plans do you have for tomorrow? No plans. I would go grocery shopping but tomorrow is sunday so everything will be closed.

14. What time did you wake up? I woke up to construction sounds and got annoyed because it was way too early for that kind of noise but I looked at my phone and it was 11:30. Still went back to sleep for another hour though.

15. Have you ever found a bug in your food? I have this one memory as a kid I had had a sleepover at my friend’s house and in the morning we were having breakfast in his dad’s cafe next door and I got pancakes and there was a wasp in it. I didn’t actually care, I ate around it.

16. What is most of your junk email from? Currently mostly from Dick Smith and a job search website

17. Do you have any upcoming appointments? what for? Flight at the end of the month. Does that count?

18. Would you be content to turn out just like your mom? Very much so, my mother is an amazing woman.

19. What is one skill you would like to have, but don’t want to work towards? Probably something super boring like knowing how to be an accountant or something. It would be useful to have for jobs and stuff but so boring to actually achieve.

20. Do you have letters of the alphabet that you like? Which ones? Not in english, but in spanish I like ñ because I like drawing the squiggle and also x because it’s pronounced differently depending which country you’re in.

21. If you could pick one topic for everyone in your country to learn more about, what would you pick? For australia, human rights and ethics so that they can start treating aboriginals and asylum seekers with a bit more respect.

22. How do you feel about people your age having children? I just don’t understand why

23. When was the last time you were at a park? Probably sometime when I was in panama. I don’t think I’ve been in a park since I’ve been back

24. Could you fall asleep right now if you tried? Wish I could, but no. Otherwise I’d be in bed.

25. Do you feel like going to funerals helps you in the grieving process? I have never been to one so I don’t know.

26. Who was the last person you heard snore? Panama guy

27. Do you think it’s possible for an 18 year old to be ready to get married? I think you should experience the real world before you commit to something like marriage. But hey, to each their own.

28. Have you ever had a dream about someone on tv, or a show? What happened? Yeah many times but the dream that comes to mind I had while I was in Colombia. I dreamt that I was on a yacht making out with Henry Cavill.

29. Have you ever taken a nap in an unusual or especially uncomfortable place, i.e. on top of your keyboard, under a table, etc? When I was at uni I would curl up in the bay window at the end of the aisle in the library and nap in the sunbeam. I have slept in trains and buses on terribly bumpy roads. I can even sleep on planes now. I’ve definitely napped on some floors, maybe head down on some tables too. Look, I just really like sleep okay and I can always do with a nap when I travel.

30. What was the scent of the last lotion you used? It was just one from the grocery store. It has argon oil in it which I assume gives it a certain smell.

31. Do you have any strange co-workers? I don’t currently work but there were a few weirdos at my old job.

32. When was the last time you had a headache? No idea, I don’t get headaches very often and if I do they’re minor so I wouldn’t remember anyway

33. Is anyone jealous of you? I hope so. Half the reason I use instagram is to make everyone I went to highschool with jealous of my current life.

34. What was the last thing you had to mentally prepare yourself for? that would have been for quitting that telemarketing job.

35. What’s something you’re currently dreading? Not finding a job and having to organise a move back to australia

36. If your living space could smell like anything in the world, but it would ALWAYS smell that way and you could never change it, what would you choose for it to smell like? I don’t know. Maybe citrus, or baked goods?

37. What’s something you wish were taught when you were in school? Actual life skills.

38. How would you describe your sense of humor? Varied. But mostly I like goofy, wholesome humour where nobody is the butt of the joke and nobody gets hurt.

39. Do you ever notice other people’s body language when you’re speaking with them? Sometimes

40. Is there a meal you simply cannot eat if it’s missing something (a salad without croutons, a sandwich without cheese, etc)? No..? I’ll eat just about anything

41. Is there something that other people see/hear and automatically think of you? You would have to ask those other people

42. Do you ever just feel like you need to be alone for some reason? Yeah, I often prefer to be alone when I’m at home. It stresses me out to have someone in my space for too long.

43. If you got paid $5 per survey you made, could you make a living just doing that? I probably could but it would old really quick

44. When was the last time you wore something totally inappropriate for the weather? Does this happen often? Every day in central america because I always wear jeans.

45. The last time you went out of the house, where were you going and what did you do? I was going to the corner store probably.

46. Do you have a friend that has a tendency to “dump” you whenever they get a new partner? One friend did that for a while. He would stop hanging out with me whenever he started dating someone. But then he got a long term boyfriend and got better about managing his time between his partner and his friends.

47. Would you ever want to go on vacation with just one of your parents? I have travelled a few times with my mum. I get a little frustrated travelling with dad though.

48. In summer, do you prefer to wear dresses or shorts and tops? Or maybe something else? I will wear jeans in hell

49. Have you ever had an unusual type of milk (eg. oat, rice, almond)? I just want milk that tastes like real milk

50. How many cans of soda would you say you drink in a week, if any at all? When I lived in australia I had a can of pepsi max a day bc it was my caffeine hit for work. Now I buy a 2L bottle of coke zero maybe once a week. Probably works out about the same tbh

51. When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? I live alone so I get the whole place to myself. I only spend time in my bed/bedroom for sleep

52. If you like to sleep in late, have your parents ever told you off for doing so? Ugh my dad was so annoying about that. I was a nigthshift worker and yet he still found it weird that I preferred to sleep in to any time after 10am. Like, dude, I only go to bed at 7am. There’s no way in hell I’m getting up any time before 2pm. Now my brother works those hours and I’m sure he gets the same crap from dad.

53. How much stuff do you take with you when you go on vacation for a week? If it’s warm weather, I can pack for a week in my backpack and won’t have to do laundry. Cooler weather is harder because I have to pack layers and a jacket. But I still plan on only taking my backpack for my 4 night stay in Paris.

54. How old is your oldest living relative? My grandad is 88 in a couple of months

55. Could you willingly live on a vegan diet? I wouldn’t want to.

56. If you’re a fan of Harry Potter, are you sad that there’ll never be another book or movie? There will definitely be remakes in my lifetime.

57. If you’re an only child, do you wish you had siblings? If you have siblings, do you get along? My brother and I don’t get along. We’re better now that we’re both adults but we’re definitely not friends.

58. How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? About a year and a half. I actually bought it to take on my trip to india. I wanted loose long sleeve shirts to keep the sun off me but not overheat me too much.

59. Are you a slut? Idk, maybe sometimes.

60. What happened last time you got drunk? I drank at home and watched Star Wars. That was it.

61. What do you want right this second? Kinda need to go to the bathroom tbh

62. How are you sitting? Sprawled out on my sofa

63. Did you sleep alone last night? Yeah

64. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? Yeah

65. What were you doing last night at midnight? I think I was playing the sims

66. Will you have sexual intercourse within the next two weeks? Probably not

67. How many cigarettes have you smoked today? None, I don’t smoke

68. Do you like potato chips? Yeah

69. Do you think you are pregnant? I definitely am not

70. You’ve had sex within these past 10 days haven’t you? Ha! I wish

71. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? I do

72. What were you doing this morning at 5:30? Sleeping

73. What were you doing 2 hours ago? Watching netflix

74. Do you like the ocean? Yes

75. How many windows are open on your computer? One window, 5 tabs.

76. Do you know anyone named Matt? I have 2 Matts on facebook.

77. When was the last time you talked to a sibling? Was emailing with my brother a few days ago

78. How late did you stay up last night and why? Went to bed around 1am. Didn’t get to sleep until ~5

79. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? Ooh tough choice. I think maybe greece but I’d also like to visit hawaii at some point. Although tbh neither of them are super high on my list. Top trip I want to do is all of latin america from Mexico to Argentina. Also want to hit up Madagascar.

80. What color is your underwear right now? Navy blue

81. How is the weather right now? Cold.

82. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Yes but there’s nobody I want to ask out

83. Have you ever fired a gun? No.

84. Do you like to travel by plane as opposed to car? Depends where/how far I’m going and how much it’ll cost.

85. Do you like to cuddle? Sometimes

86. Do you need to get anything from the store right now? If so, what, and why? I need groceries. But it’ll have to wait until monday.

87. Have you ever had to take a stool or urine test? Why did you have to do this? Urine test a few times. 1) drug tests for work, 2) while I was doing a medical trial a few years ago, 4) routine std check 3) got a UTI :/

88. Is there a food you eat that others find weird or gross? Some people think vegemite is weird and gross but those people are wrong. Also some people don’t understand how I can eat so much chilli.

89. The last video game you played - did you play alone or with someone else? I played Mass Effect 2 earlier today, alone.

90. . If there is a disc in your computer, what disc is it? Sims 3 Supernatural.

91. Do you shut down your computer every time after you use it, or do you leave it on? I just put it to sleep.

92. Do people ever drive down your street really slowly? Does it creep you out? Anyone who decides to drive down my street has already made a mistake. There is no possible way to do it quickly. It takes time and a person guiding you so that you don’t scrape down the sides of your car. This is a pedestrian street.

93. Do you live in a very diverse community? Yes, this is a pretty multicultural city

94. Did you waste your first kiss, or did it mean something to you? Do you think that people should save their first kisses just like their virginity? It meant something to me at the time, I don’t care now. People can do whatever they want with regards to their first kiss or their virginity.

95. Do you know anyone who has had salmonella? Did you ever have it yourself? What about e coli? One of my work friends got salmonella and it hit while she was on shift. I was at the other end of the site and could hear the conversation between her and the then-supervisor over the radio. It actually messed up her immune system and she kept getting colds and flu more often for about a year after that.

96. How many weeks of summer do you have left before you have to go back to school? 1) I don’t go to school, 2) It’s not summer

97. Who was the last member of your extended family to visit? Where were they visiting from? My Dad visited me back in May. That was the last family member I saw.

98. When was the last time you went on a train? Where were you going? Whenever I last went grocery shopping I’d have gotten the metro there and back. Last long distance train would have been to Castellón to get my yellow fever shot before I went to Colombia.

#Other potential titles:#ñ because I like drawing the squiggle #on a yacht making out with Henry Cavill #Some people think vegemite is weird and gross but those people are wrong

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astoldbyacertifiedunicorn · 7 years ago

Text

Try by Colbie Callait

SONG 5

I know I haven’t written for some time, I’m sorry I got sick and I want to also thank the lovely anons who said nice things bout the last OS. Tumblr is fixing my ask box, so I’m sorry I haven’t thanked you personally yet. Slight warning, that this fic deal with insecurities as an issue and I just want to recognize two things, (1) April as a character has grown and her insecurities aren’t the same anymore - so this is AU, based around s8/9, and she doesn’t fail her boards nor have active battle with her religion. (2) Everyone’s journey with nsecurities are dfferent. This is based on my understanding how insecurities work, I’m sorry if anything is offensive.

Put your make up on, get your nails done

Curl your hair

Run the extra mile, keep it slim

So they like you.

Do they like you?

April's not really sure how exactly she convinced herself to work up the nerve to do what she was about to do, but somehow here she was. She nervously fidgets around, pulls on her clothes, tidies up her sweater, and picks invisible linen from her pants. She straightens out her hair and places the curls gently on the shoulders. He'll be here in the attending' lounge soon. She'd made a quick check with him this morning in the on call room, to check what time he was off.

She wasn't really sure when this whole sleeping together thing became their thing, but here they were, holed up in the on call rooms of the hospital, everyday, sometimes twice a day. She wasn't complaining. Of course not, that wasn't what this was about. Never in her most optimistic dreams did April ever expect someone like Jackson to want a.... whatever it is they were, with someone like her.

As the years went by, and having only had one boy in high school who'd taken her to the carnival and dumped her the next day because she was too 'enthusiastic' and 'didn't know how to chill' and a college boyfriend who'd called her a 'prude' because she'd made it clear to him she was waiting until marriage, expectations of any kind of love dwindled down. She guesses she's lucky she even has the kind of relationship she has with Jackson. She shouldn't, couldn't, expect more.

Some little girls, herself included, dream of white weddings, and sweet boys who'd love them and babies and white picket fence houses. The sad reality, April came to know as an adult is society will rise to the occasion to make sure that some of these little girls know, as they grow up, that there are a few shortcomings with them, that might make this dream impossible.

She was scrawny, had fizzy hair, braces, acne and pigeon toes. Apparently, boys liked only a particular image she'd never be capable of looking like. So, when she was old enough, she promised herself she'd try her hardest to look like that. Maybe then, someone would love her. So she runs every morning, goes to yoga on the weekends and swims every other day. She dyes her hair red, and uses a tirade of products, so that she always had long locks of shiny, bouncy hair. She fixes her teeth, and gets her braces off, and spends a fortune to get rid of the acne and torturously wears a leg brace for a year to and goes to ballet to get rid of the pigeon toes. She looks a lot different now than what she did. She's still not perfect, she still refuses to look in the mirror and call herself beautiful nor does she expect anyone else to call her beautiful. She'd settle for 'not bad looking' any day.

It doesn't work. Turns out, they tell her, it's not just the way she looks, it's her personality as well. She's annoying, neurotic, crazy, difficult to like. Her colleagues take the time out of their day to remind her that she doesn't measure up. There's something different about her they find hard to relate to. They let her know her voice is grating and her presence is unwelcome. She misses Reed in those moments, the only person to ever fully accept her, but she's happy she at least has Jackson, that is until he tells her she be ashamed that she's still a virgin. She never thought he'd feel that way, out of everyone else. She wasn't sure how to go about explaining to them that she didn't want to lose her virginity in a one night stand, that even if it wasn't after marriage, at the very least to would be to a man who loved her. She wasn't sure how to let them know that it doesn't come easy for some people. They're beautiful, and smart, and interesting. They're not her. They don't understand what it's like to love without being loved back, to lust endlessly, to convince yourself you're happier alone, to convince yourself to let go of any dreams because you need to start being realistic. So she calls them out, and feels a rush when Meredith tells her she's starting like her more and more.

"Hey, I thought you were off an hour ago?"

Her thoughts get interrupted by the very person she'd been waiting for. She turns around to see Jackson walking towards her, and leaning down to kiss her. She kisses him back, and holds him there for a second, because sometimes she still can't believe this is real. She's still waiting for him to tell her this was an elaborate prank, that it was all a joke.

"Um, I was waiting for you." She says, as he pulls back, and starts to change.

"Yeah?"

"I... um, wanted to ask you something?"

He nods, pulling on his shirt.

She's not sure how to go about it now that she's here. She practiced it in front of the mirror a million times, and she's been imagining doing this for a good week now. She just needed to find the surge of unusual confidence she had yesterday and blurt it out.

"Will, uh, w-okay, so.... I was wondering if, you-I.... was thinking, well-" She's stuttering and it's not attractive. She can already tell that she's making a fool out of herself, and that this was a terrible idea. She just couldn't appreciate what she had couldn't she? She just couldn't be satisfied with only sleeping with him, could she?

"April?" He asks her, seemingly slightly amused at her reluctance.

She takes a deep breath, reminds herself the pep talk she gave herself. She deserved more, she deserved more, she deserved more. And if he said no, well, she'd settle for what they have, and love him until he left her for someone better. Then she'd try not to let it kill her.

"Will you go on a date with me?"

Get your sexy on, don't be shy, girl

Take it off

This is what you want, to belong

So they like you.

Do you like you?

Her eyes widen the moment it's out there, her pulse beats faster and she's feels a steady fluttering in her stomach. She waits for him to recognize what she's saying, register it and...

Laugh. He was laughing. A lot. She felt tears prick the back of her eyes. Stupid, stupid, stupid. In what mental state did she let herself believe she had any chance being in an actual relationship with him. Someone so perfect in so many ways. God, she'd never felt this stupid in her whole life. Jackson dated women like Lexie. Gorgeous, intelligent, interesting, likable. Not.... her. In what universe would he have to settle for someone like.... her. She quickly chokes back a sob that threatens at her throat, her face contorting painfully to a forced smiled.

"You don't- you don't have to... I mean, I was just asking. It's so dumb, I know." She forces herself to laugh with him, hoping he can't hear the devastation in her voice.

"What? No. No, April," Jackson says, his laughter dying down, and a smile settling on his face, "Its not that I don't want to, it's just.... it's not that."

"Oh." She blinks. Was he....

"I'd really like for you to take me out, yes." He winks, and chuckles once more.

Her heart soars and for a second she's dumbstruck. She was prepared for a rejection, gone through the thousand of ways he would say no, but she wasn't prepared for him to agree to this. Maybe, he was entertaining her, finding this whole thing amusing, but it was a chance. She could recognize an opportunity to impress when she saw one. She could convince him, that she was worth giving a shot. Maybe she wasn't a lot of things, but she could make up for all her shortcomings. She just wanted a chance to prove that to him.

"Okay! Um, great! That's great!" She squeals, and realsies that she should probably tone it down a little bit. He'll probably get scared off by her enthusiasm.

"I'll pick you up at 8... or are you going to be the one doing that?" He grins.

"I.... I'll do it," She's the one who needs to impress him, not the other way around.

He laughs again, and picks up his bag, "Okay."

She nods, and he squeezes her hand and walks away.

She's on cloud 9, and she can't screw this up.

Get your shopping on, at the mall,

Max your credit cards

You don't have to choose, buy it all

So they like you.

Do they like you?

She's happy their date falls on a Sunday when she has a half day at work. It gives her time to rush to the mall and try to put herself together. She doesn't really have any girlfriends. She's not close to Meredith all that much and Cristina isn't the type to hand out advice. She wants a different look, she decides. Her sweater, jeans and flats combo isn't cute, and definitely nothing like what the girls he dates dresses.

She decides on a tight, short red dress with spaghetti straps that hugs her body. She looks awkward, since she doesn't carry it well, and it makes her cry in the changing room for a second, because she's ridiculous for thinking she could pull off looking sexy, until the sales assistance asks if she needs help. She buys a pair of heels that makes her toes ache, but she's not going to wear flats with this dress.

She gets ready, gets herself prepared. Runs the mascara wand through her lashes, applies the red lipstick. She pulls on a curl, so it falls from the neat bun on her head, and now she hopes it looks more effortless. She doesn't think she looks too bad. Yet, the more she appraises herself the more she realizes that's not true. She stares at herself long enough for her to give in and realize this is the best she got.

She picks up the keys and decides to head out, when she hears the doorbell ring. She looks slightly confused and goes to open, a little shocked when she sees Jackson on the other side.

"Jackson?" She asks, eyebrow raised, wondering what he was doing here, since she was supposed to be picking him up.

"Hey, Ap-" He begins, but his eyes rove over her, and she takes a second before blushing furiously. Maybe her efforts paid off.

"Oh."

She blinks, and looks at him, and his face looks.... disappointed? She wasn't sure, but it had to be. Nobody had a positive "oh" reaction. Her face falls, and there's a heaviness in her chest that she pushes down. It's fine, she thinks, beauty isn't one of her strengths. She didn't know what she was expecting. For him to say she was beautiful? Maybe. He's never said it before. Sure, she knew that for whatever reason it was, he was turned on by her, but he'd never really called her beautiful. She didn't think it was the same thing.

"That bad, huh?" She jokes.

"Wha- oh no, April, sorry I'm just... its very different from.... Never mind, you look-"

"I'm just kidding, Jackson." She forces a laugh, because she's even sadder he feels the need to explain himself to her, when really, she gets it. She just thought she'd give it a shot.

"You look really handsome." She tells him, and bites her lip. He looked gorgeous as he always does. She suddenly felt herself shrinking. She was way out of her depth here. This man was so far out of her league, she couldn't even comprehend how she thought he'd want something other than a physical relationship with her.

"Thank you," He smiles, and holds his hand out, a massive bouquet of flowers, "This is for you."

It's all her favorites, and she feels so happy that he remembers. Very few people do.

"Thank you, they're so pretty." She takes them from him, a little surprised that he'd bought them in the first place.

"Ready?" He asks her, and she nods, "So, where to?"

She gulps, and recoups, decides that she's going to give it her all, and to do that, she needed to start believing in herself.

"That's a surprise," She teases him, her eyes twinkling, and he smirks.

"Oh yeah? Is it that way?" He nods towards the bedroom, and she stills for a second.

"Um, su-sure. We could- we could stay and.... of course. Here let me just-" She starts to turn around and go back to the room, her heart clenching knowing it was stupid to assume otherwise. She was sex, that was all.

"April, no, no, I'm kidding. It's a joke. Look, are you okay? You're acting a little..." He says, but stops himself, shaking his head, "Let's go, come on."

He smiles, and holds his arm out to her, and she tentatively places it against his, "Okay."

Wait a second,

Why should you care, what they think of you

When you're all alone, by yourself

Do you like you?

They sit in a restaurant, and she feels a little unfamiliar with the setting. Sure, they've dined out together before, as friends, but the awareness that they were on a date made it difficult to relax. She saw people's gaze fall on them, and she can almost feel the judgement seeping through. What's he doing with her? What could possibly be wrong with him that he'd have to settle for her?

"April? You hate Thai food." Jackson says, once they're seated and their menus handed out to them.

"I don't think hate is the word I'd use," She says, although her eyes scan the menu with caution.

"It's too spicy for you, you'll get sick." He comments.

"No I won't," Although it happened once, and she knows that's why he's bringing it up, "Plus, you said you were craving it."

He grins, "You have a great memory bank, you know that. You remember everything!"

"I do!" She grins, "I perfected it back in the farm so I always remembered how many eggs each hen had."

He laughs, and she relaxes, slightly. They were best friends. Conversation was something she could do.

It goes smoothly, until she hears two girls snickering in the background, and she turns her head and meets their gaze. They quickly look away, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out what they're saying.

She gazes back at him, and he's unaffected, telling her a some story about him and Alex, and brushing his leg up hers. She smiles, tries to be in the moment.

They laugh again, and she wants them to stop. To leave her alone. She also feels bad. For Jackson. She wants to turn around and apologize to him, that being with her in public is a nightmare for him. I'm sorry, she thinks, you shouldn't have to be seen with me.

After dinner, she asks for the bill, but gets told it's already taken care of.

"I'm not letting you pay." He tells her, rolling his eyes.

"But it's my date."

He ignores her question, and turns to her, "Where to next?"

"Miniature golf!" She exclaims, and pulls his hand and he follows her out, "It's the number 1 most recommended date activity."

"Did you google this?" He teases her, and slings an arm around her waist.

"Yes, I did, actually." She admits, and shrugs her shoulders. She didn't know what a good date was on instinct.

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to bend until you break

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

You don’t have try, try , try

"Did you have a good time?"

He walked her up to her apartment, and followed her inside out of habit, closing the door behind him.

"Hm, oh yeah. It was great." He smiles, his hands in his jeans.

What now? April wonders. Does she ask him if he'd like to do it again sometime? Is she expected to say something? Is he going to say it?

"Um, April, listen, about tonight...." He begins, scratching his neck, walking towards her.

She sighs, knowing rejection when she hears it. She really did give it her all, tonight, tried to be the best version of herself. She spoke less, was a lot more nonchalant when it came to things and managed to keep her voice at a lower octave. This was the best version of herself, but it wasn't enough, it seemed. She tried so hard, she tried her best, and she stepped far out of every comfort zone she knew, to do it.

"I know," She smiles, hoping her voice doesn't break, "It's fine, really, you don't have to. I... we can still," she gestures to the bedroom, "if you want."

"Oh, I do... it's just, what exactly do you know?"

"You don't want to date me," She shrugs, biting her lip hard, not not cry. It was embarrassing enough she thought she could pull it off, she didn't need to cry about it, "I get it, really I do. I just, I don't know, wanted to convince you I wasn't just good for sex."

"April, what the hell makes you think I think you're just good for sex? I'm your best friend. Do you think I'd ever stoop low enough to see you as just this sex object that I can sleep with whenever I want to. Is that what you think?"

He sounds angry, and she's a little taken aback. She wasn't insulting him, of course not, she was just pointing out the obvious. She wasn't sure why he couldn't understand that.

"No, no. I don't. You're wonderful. You wouldn't... that's not what I meant. I meant-"

He doesn't let her finish because he's slightly fuming, and she's a little worried now.

"And what makes you think I don't want to date you? I-" He stops pacing, and looks up at her, "You asked me out because you thought all I wanted from you was sex?"

He looks so hurt, it breaks her heart.

She nods, "I didn't think you would want to... date me."

"April, why-why the hell would you think that?" He asks her, eyes wide.

"Um, I... I'm not like the other girls."

"Other girls?"

"The ones boys like."

"April....." He whispers, and she feels him walking towards her. He sits down on the couch and takes her hand, pulling him to the seat next to her, "I was confused abouttonight, because, I don't know, you were acting so unlike yourself. You were quiet, and strangely calm, I was just confused. It was like this different person."

"I wanted to be less...." Her voice trails off, as she drops her gaze to her lap.

"Less what?"

"Less me."

He sighs, and puts her stray curl behind her ear, "April, I really like you. You! Not whoever this person is. These clothes, the way you've been acting, it's not you. I just wanted to go to on a date with my smart, kinda, funny, gorgeous best friend."

She darts her head towards him, eyes wide, "G-gorgeous?"

"Ofcourse you are, why would you- I've never said that before have I?" He waits for her to nod, and groans deeply, running a hand over his face, "I'm an idiot."

"What? No you're not, Jackson. You-"

"No, don't defend me, please. I'm an idiot. I'm the asshole who was to afraid to ask you out so I made you feel like complete crap instead. I'm the guy who sleeps with his best friend and never told her how devastatingly beautiful she was, and acted like all she was good for was sex. Don't defend that guy, April." He looks away from her, but she can see how guilty he is.

She never meant for him to beat himself down, that had never been her intention. But something he'd said had struck a chord with April, and it made her perk up.

"Did you just say... you were too afraid to ask me out?" She wanted to laugh. What did he have anything to be insecure about?

"That's why I laughed in the morning. God, you probably thought- Nevermind. I just found it funny because, I didn't think you'd want to date me." He shrugs, and she can't help but laugh loudly, throwing her head back against the couch.

"Why the heck wouldn't I date you?" She was really starting to think he was pranking her.

"You're too good for me," Jackson tells her, "God, I mean April, you're perfect. You're this beautiful, intelligent, incredible person. You're so well adjusted, and normal. You don't have abandonment issues or a family that think all you're good at is being pretty. You don't have walls to intentionally keep people out, and you don't have a problem putting your heart out there, because your strong enough to deal with rejection. You're.... amazing, and you can do- you deserve so much more than I can ever give you."

She doesn't say anything for a while, because she's not sure how to respond to all this. Never, in all the time they spent together, has she ever considered the possibility of Jackson having insecurities. He's perfect in her eyes, and she's not merely speaking of his looks. Sure, he was stubborn, and had a mean streak, but he was still perfect to her. She couldn't believe he'd think so.... low of himself. The hypocrisy didn't go unnoticed by her.

"No, Jackson. No, my god, how could you even think that," She kneels before him, and takes his face into her hands, turning his gaze away from the floor to focus on hers, "I... I'm the one who doesn't deserve you, that's why I did all this."

"You were always perfect to me, April. Way before all this. When you were just my best friend, and I didn't even consider anything more, you were still perfect. You were this slightly annoying, neurotic, but crazy smart, and beautiful mess," He takes her in for a slight second, "Perfect."

She blushes, and it takes her a time to grasp all the things he's saying. He likes the things she hates so much about herself. He doesn't like her despite it, but also because of it.

"I don't care about all the stupid things you think I care about," April replies, hoisting herself up on to his lap. She places her hands on his shoulders, and his hands curls themselves perfectly around her waist, "A parent did something terrible to you, and that's not something you just get over, I don't expect you to. I like you just fine, all stubborn and grumpy."

He cracks a smile at that, "I'm damaged goods, April. You deserve shiny and new."

"Do not ever say you're damaged. You just have a lot of hurt in your heart, and I don't want you to ever feel guilty for that. It does not make you damaged, or broken or whatever slew of adjectives I know is running through your head right now. Okay?"

He nods, although she can tell he's not utterly convinced, "Okay."

She sighs, knowing that all the issues Jackson had weren't going to solved suddenly just became she says so. Some of it he has to deal with himself.

"Come on." He tells her, standing up, and in the process carrying her in his arms, bridal style.

Take your make up off

Let your hair down

Take a breath

Look into the mirror, at yourself

Don't you like you?

She squeals a bit when he gently deposits her onto the bed of her room, and wanders off to her bathroom without a word. He's been to her place before, they were...are best friends, and if she was paying enough attention, possibly more than that. He comes out, carrying a container and she squints her eyes to see what it is.

"Are those makeup wipes?" She questions, raising a brow. What was he doing?

"Yep." He says, "You look gorgeous, with or without makeup, although I personally prefer you without it, it doesn't really matter what I prefer. If you like wearing makeup because it's fun, and artsy and you just like spending $35 on an eyeliner, be my guest. But if you're wearing it because you think I mind seeing your freckles, and dark under eyes, and acne scars, then you really have no reason to wear it."

He takes out a wipe, slowly running it across her face. She's a little dumbfounded, because this is really the last thing she'd thought he was ever going to do. He takes his time, and soon, it's all off and he runs a wet towel across her face.

"There.... just as perfect." He smiles, kissing the tip of her nose.

She giggles, and is honestly unsure what to do about this turn of events.

"Okay, next comes the dress. Hands up," He instructs her, and she does as he says, and he pulls it off of her, "This is gorgeous, you look amazing in it, that's what I was going to say earlier before you cut me off. But it's also not you. I have a feeling you wore it to impress me, and it's sweet, really, but you don't have to. I like you in a potato sack."

She laughs, and shakes her head at him, "I'd look horrible in a potato sack, it's totally not my colour."

He chuckles at her horrible attempt at a joke, "What? Muddy brown would look great on you!"

They laugh together while Jackson manages to take off the shoes that had been giving her an insane amount of pain all night. He takes a foot in his hand, and it's red and slightly swollen and she sees him wince.

"Okay, never, wear these again," He throws the pair across the room, almost as if it's their fault she's hurt,"I love your cat ear flats."

"You think they're ridiculous." She points out.

"Ridiculously cute." He retorts.

She makes a promise to go back and get her money, she's more than happy to trade those in for some nice, low heels.

"I mean, I'm not complaining about these," He winks, running a finger on top of the red lace lingerie she bought just for tonight.

She blushes furiously, and feels a highly self conscious when she realizes that he's never seen her under this harsh light. She brings her hands up to her body, folds into herself.

He notices, "Oh no you don't, come on," he pushes her arms out of the way and smiles to himself, "You are incredibly sexy, you know that. It's kinda why I haven't been able to get my thoughts straight for one second."

"Jackson, what are you doing?" She asks him, now slightly exasperated with his behavios. She didn't need him feeling guilty about not having said these things before. Or worse, saying them out of pity.

"Right now? Choosing between your bunny PJs and the unicorn ones," He's holding up two different pairs, glancing between them, "Bunny! It's better than the rainbow vomit explosion you've got going here."

He tosses her unicorn pajamas on the bed, and walks up to her. She holds her arms out, and he begins to dress her, concentrating on his task.

"Jackson? You didn't answer my question." She points out, as he pulls the pants over her hips.

"Adorable. Now you're just missing bunny ears." He grins.

"Jackson!" She huffs frustratedly, crossing her arms in front of her.

"I'm trying to show you that this is the girl I slept with in San Francisco, and wanted to continue sleeping with after that. Not whoever it is you feel you have to be to impress me or some shit," He pulls her on her feet, and takes her hair out of her bun, running his hands through the freed curls, "I think you're gorgeous at 10 in the night, after a long shift, in bunny pajamas and no makeup. Do you know why?"

She shakes her head.

"It's because this is you, April. I like you. This you. The real you. You don't have to try so damn hard to make me like you, because I like you just fine in your most natural habitat. You're my best friend. I've always liked you, just like this. You don't have to try. Not for me, not for anyone. You just have to be."

She feels tears threaten to fall, but she holds them back up, because she doesn't want him to misinterpret it. Out of all the things he'd told her tonight, that had been the most special. No one has ever in her life told her that she didn't have to try her hardest, bend over backwards, to be liked. That it was enough that she just was herself. He wasn't excusing her, he wasn't denying that she was crazy sometimes and a little neurotic, he was saying it didn't matter because it made her... her, and there was nothing wrong with that. She beamed.

"You're the best best friend anyone could ask for." She tells him, and he laughs.

"We sound like we're 13. I feel like I should go and make you a friendship bracelet." He jokes.

"Well, I actually do have beads and yarn." She tells him, her eyes gleaming.

"Uh, why not?" He shrugs and sits down on the bed, after taking his tie off, and pulling down a couple of buttons.

She brings everything and sets it up on her bed. They begin their tasks, Jackson surprising her with his excellent technique. She figures it has something to do with being a plastic surgeon.

"Hey, Jackson?" She says, and he looks up at her, "This is the best date I've ever had."

He smiles, and leans forward, "Me too. Wanna do it again sometime?"

Her breath falls short, and it takes her a moment to realize that everything she worried about was for nothing. She needed to work on her insecurities. She knew that. But he gave her a reason to. She didn't suddenly feel perfect, just because he said she was. But, she wanted to. One day. She wanted to because she didn't want to feel like she had to be anything but herself anymore to impress someone. She wanted to because she didn't want to feel like she had to impress someone in the first place.

"I'd love that." She says, and kisses him softly on the lips.

"Now quit distracting me," He waved her off, and falls back down on the bed, "My one is going to be way prettier."

She chuckles, and grins to herself. She needed to be kind to herself, and love herself more. For her, and for him.

Cause I like you

Thank you for reading!

Side Note:I hope none of you wonderful human beings ever have to feel like this. <3

#japril #japril fanfiction #jackson avery #april kepner

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ohkimani · 7 years ago

Text

(ignore this, im doing the icky ranting thing again)

after thinking about everything i just wrote about their whole situation...

im actually pretty grapefruit that t&a and i have gotten to this point where nothing is really like.....confusing anymore? i think we are very much used to the way we act around and toward each other and it’s nice, you know? like we actually video chatted for a while today and though i kept getting annoyed with how much he kept saying he missed me, i figured after him saying it the fourth time when the conversation got quiet, he really meant it. he says a lot of things that make me stop in my tracks but i just assume he says them to everyone but at the same time idk. i just dont have the anxiety i had before of “OMG WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE WE?!” because now it just seems like since summer came along, we’re doing like LDR things and im enjoying the distance a lot. im not quite sure why im enjoying it but it’s nice to remember who i am without a boy around me to worry about. it just seems like im always on high alert when he’s around because he puts me in some different mind space that im not ever in. video chatting and calling me after seeing a movie he thought i would like is fine because i guess a part of me registers the fact that i cant make eye contact with him.

eye contact with him is the most excruciating thing i have ever experienced honestly. it doesnt matter what context it’s in. it could be us arguing over what movie to watch and staring each other down until one of us gives in, or it could be when he does the thing just before he kisses me when he just.....stares. it’s painful. it’s like...and undressing of everything ive felt, feel, or will feel. i feel exposed. i dont like that. i like it.....but it’s frightening as hell. i let everything out in different ways like drawing or even writing things like this, just throwing everything somewhere else. but when he just looks....it’s like he’s taking it all from me and i have no control over where it’s going or what he’s going to do with it. i claim to know him but he’ll probably always know me better. im a creature of habit and so is he but his habits arent typical habits. mine are things like “get stop stepping on my white carpet with your shoes on” or waking up early and softly playing music to keep me company until he wakes up. his habits are....making entire trip plans and soon making me realize they’re all daydreams or....i dont know.....he puckers his lips in his sleep a bit. but otherwise, there’s no system...at least not a real one at that. the distance has really helped me avoid having to figure it out though.

he’s truly an enigma, a real spawn of his father....which is definitely another worrying thing about him. he seems so unbothered by the things in the headlines and what not, crack jokes, laugh about it, what ever. until he’s at my door in the middle of the night because he needs to talk about things he cant get out of his head. he doesnt deserve to see these things but what can he do, you know? it’s easy to forget, until he does that smile. the same smile he smiled at me all those years ago when he decided spouting the foulest sentence to a (barely) teenager would be allowable by her mother. who knew he would be back in my life after making me so afraid of so many things.

but he’s not him and im still working on realizing that. he’s nothing like him. he’s better than him. he’s caring, gentle, playful, and light. of course he can be clueless but is there a single boy who has a clue? he’s a puppy...and that’s all i see. when he falls asleep on a movie he picked and i feel his breath on my neck, he’s finally calm. nothing can bother him or excite him. god is he excitable...but so am i so it’s okay. but my goodness. but he smiles so big and bright, the smallest compliment i give him can carry him for days. he’s so cute, he writes them on sheets of paper and puts them in his wallet. seriously. i didnt know this and i dont think he knows that i know. it was open and some of his cards and stuff were out of the wallet on my floor one morning so i was going to put it on my desk next to his phone. but when i went to pick it up, all of these tiny sheets had things on them like “5/8: that’s my favorite shirt of yours” and “6/1: you have such a nice smile” like....i wanted to cry dude. these small itty bitty things...

it’s been an interesting time. especially when allen suddenly fell back into my lap, and that other guy from undie run....it just felt so wrong talking to the both of them for some reason. probably because they werent him idk. i dont feel like he has any sort of claim over me but i dont really feel the need to talk to any other guy. especially after talking to allen for literally three days, i wanted to fling myself off of a building. he talks about himself so fucking much. and it’s not like him just venting about things and saying what’s on his mind, it’s him literally making everything about him. and he’s so depressed and it made me realize that it was our mutual severe sadness that kept us together for fucking what? almost a year? he was my longest relationship and all that time, i couldnt see it? we were catching up and i was telling him about my hospitalization and wanting to die and he starts trying to make it some sort of competition and telling me about how many nights he’s drunk himself into oblivion and wanted to die and how he shouldve gone to the hospital, blah blah blah and um like *nervous laughter* okay. idk. it feels like you cant talk to him about shit. anything you say is a jumping off point for him to make it about him. i dont get him.

i mean, when we were together, everything seemed so amazing until i realized i couldnt keep going. im still not all that sure what happened but i just couldnt anymore. i remember that nights driving out to the causeway and watching the sun rise over the water or long conversations about nothing, ice cream (even though i hate ice cream), beach runs, i dont know. it just felt good to finally be with someone who was just as weird as i am. i thought i felt that with gunner until i realized he was a toxic piece of shit. how he would threaten to kill himself and then not answer his phone for hours knowing he was too far for me to get to him and then suddenly he’d pick up on the last ring like “haha yeah i just fell a sleep” like in hindsight, honestly, gunner might be responsible for like some of the emotional damage i have now. how he would tell me the color red looks terrible on me and that my legs are too long and that my nose was shaped weird, etc. but i didnt see how terrible these things that he was saying were. i just saw it as him being funny but like....he really fucked me up.

but she was something completely different. i had hooked up with girls before but i had never wanted more before her. she was pure light. she always had something nice to say and was always so genuinely concerned. our playful banter was so fluid and perfect. i had no reason to believe i would ever want anyone else more than i wanted her. she was pure autumn. sweetness from her unique style to her adorable cats. looking back, she was almost a dream. it was strange to me because we were a whole country a part but things escalated like planning meet ups and what not and idk...maybe it scared me. maybe the way she made me feel scared me and i had to have some sort of way to push her back. i didnt want to deal with the emotions that came with giving all of me to her. she was too good for me and i’ll probably always regret how i left what he had to shrivel up. but it’s too late now and ive learned what i needed to learn from that. she taught me so much....especially about myself. my biggest regret will always be using him to get you away from me.

and now here i am. floating. i could mention max (bless him) or treyvon or terrell or lee but.....such short lived flings ended by trivial things....would they really matter. i dont even know why i wrote all of this honestly i think i was just trying to make myself get sleepy. i have class in the morning lmfao

#p #ignore me #t&a #a #i think ive dated too many ppl but it's fine

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dreamxng-forever · 7 years ago

Note

1-96 sar

Oh Jesus Christ

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?I don’t have a closet so???

(2) Do You Have Freckles?Not really

(3) Can You Whistle?Nope

(4) Last Song You Listened To.No More by Natewantstobattle

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?Purple

(6) Relationship Status.Married to fictional characters

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?70 degrees Fahrenheit

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?No. I never really wake up cranky just unable to make my legs work until I’ve been on my phone for at least 5 minutes.

(9) How Many Followers?107

(10) Zodiac Sign.Aries!

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?Brown

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily? Haha nope only when I’m sick and eat vitamin c

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower? Sometimes? I mainly plot

(14) What Books Are You Reading?None currently. I need to finish The Stolen Throne though AND the Calling.

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.“The King summoned his whole court together, soldiers and everyone else who was there, and asked who had set his daughter at liberty, and killed the Giants?“ —Grimms Complete Fairytails.

(16) Favourite Anime?Magi: The Labryinth of Magic

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of? I’m pretty sure it was @krazykacie2000 even though they probably didn’t know I was crying.

(18) Do You Collect Anything?Not really

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?A crappy turkey sandwich

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?If headbanging counts as dancing then yes. And sing really loudly when I’m alone.

(21) Favourite Animal?FUCK I CANT CHOOSE

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?No

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?11pm during the school year and 12-2am on holidays

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?What the fuck is makeup

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?Ocean gives me anxiety and sand gets everywhere so pool

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?@princetheirins cause they’re awesome? I love them a lot and their oc’s give me life (they are also a very talented writer)

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?Bottled water

(28) What Makes You Happy?My friends, writing, and listening to my FAVORITE songs that make my hearts do little flips.

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.I don’t not have the ability to post a gif at this moment but right now I am that gif of Obi-Wan Kenobi happily flying while the world burns around him.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? I don’t study

(31) Dogs Or Cats?DOGGOS

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be? Purple

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.Most of the time Xbox

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean? Both?

(35) Do You Believe In Magic? Yes. And the supernatural. I just believe they’re on another domain from us? Or something like that. It’s hard for me to explain.

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?Grey.

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue? No

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It? I try to save but then something I desperately love comes and and just WHOOPS I suddenly got it.

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You? YES MY STUFFED NUG (an animal from dragon age) THAT I GOT FOR MY BIRTHDAY

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now? Ha…haha…ha…no? (Lies. I’m obsessed with motionless in white and I’m getting sucked back into jak and daxter. Also mass effect andromeda)

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly? No

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People? Yes? I think so?

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams? Oh dude hellz yeah my dreams go from fucking terrifying to silly to what the fuck is going on. Like the other night I had a dream that I was working in a museum or something? And everything fucking came to life and for some fucking reason Sheldon from Big Bang Theory was there and I asked him to keep an eye on the exhibits so I wasn’t loosing my fucking mind then suddenly I fucking became Harley and was with Joker? It was really really REALLY weird.

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes? I haven’t gone on them enough to really get an honest feel but I get minimal anxiety going on them just cause of the “what if“ factor. But i don’t mind going on them.

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry. Okay see you can’t do that to me cause I’m an emotional person and so many movies have made me cry okay.

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds? Neither.

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?MOTIONLESS IN WHITE

(48) Are You A Picky Eater? Fuck yeah my friends hate me for it

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper? Sometimes? It depends on how tired I am. But most of the time no.

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning? Yes. Okay yes I have a terrible fear of it and I’m sorry for my friends who have to deal with me crying and shaking whenever there’s thunder storms near me.

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?I LOVE writing. It’s my passion. And if the story is interesting then I love reading.

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud? *has volume on max constantly*

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? Pumpkins

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?Oh guess what it’s my favorite song: Eternally Yours from Motionless in White

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)SUMMER

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now? I’m craving my ps2 games jak and daxter that I no longer have. I really want to play jak and daxter okay.

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.Do I have to?

(58) What Is Your Gender?Female

(59) Coffee Or Tea?Fucking neither

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?I have homework for myself and it’s called WRITING and APPLYING FOR A JOB

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?Asexual panromantic at your service

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?Fuck no

(63) Favourite Pokemon?Charmander

(64) Favourite Social Media?YouTube

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?I mean I like watching them

(66) Do You Get Homesick?Sometimes? It’s not even for my home though it’s for my dog and video games most of the time

(67) Are You A Virgin?Yes and I will forever be a virgin (hopefully)

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?Pantene Color Enhancer (or something like that? It keeps the color in my hair in longer)

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?Fuck man the back seat of my car is fucking comfy I could live back there.

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? Yes

(71) Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? DARK TOWER

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?HAHA yes. I miss him a lot. It’s a little pathetic

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?It’s between “you can always rinse the surface, but the stains will remain“ and “if you mean it, you’ll make it“

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? Anything that’s like really vibrant.

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? I still love swing sets are you kidding me

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate? An ice cream sandwich

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?I don’t have any games on my phone

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?No cause I don’t know how to give cpr. But I’d ask someone for help.

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? I’ve been on my Xbox for 5 hours straight

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network? Not really?

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People? I’m a very shy individual but sometimes I like getting to know a new person

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

I don’t really, just my purity ring that I don’t feel like taking a picture of right now.

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?Closed unless my dog is in my room. Then the door is cracked.

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today? Played red dead redemption, updated a few of my boards on pintrest, and watched jak and daxter playthrough’s

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed? Mainly a shirt and undies

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.What

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?Night mostly

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.Do you wanna be here for hours?

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.I had a dream last night that I was getting my “off to Neverland“ tattoo but it wasn’t working and the lady kept getting the size wrong so she had to stencil it like five hundred times

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?DP

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?Waves

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?I wear shorts. Shorts for dayz

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?Tired

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.The song City Lights

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?I want several. I want “Off to Neverland!“ with peter pans hat on the ‘O’ on my forearm, “wonder“ on my left wrist and “land“ on my right wrist, “I’m with ya till the end of the line“ on my left forearm with a star resembling Bucky’s metal arm, “if you mean it you’ll make it“ on my left wrist, and Eternally Yours on my right wrist. I also want a tattoo of The Iron Giant. Those are my only concerte ones but I know I’ll get more ideas from more of my favorite underrated movies

(96) Favourite YouTuber?Markiplier. 100% Markimoo. He makes me laugh.

#m'husband #my prince

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theravennest · 8 years ago

Text

5 Times Magnus Said Yes + 1 Time He Didn’t

A/N: Apparently, I wasn’t gonna feel better until I wrote something. lmao Here’s 6 different ways that scene could’ve gone in a 5 + 1, semi-script format. Enjoy! Beware there are light spoilers for the Bane Chronicles. Though I...adjusted some dialog for one of the scenes from the books...cuz I felt like it. Also, it’s a tad long.

Fandom: Shadowhunters TV Pairing: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Rating: PG

_________________

Version 1 – Bad at Words

Magnus: Alexander…I may be experienced but..it’s rare that I’ve ever felt this way about someone and…I worry that once we- that if we rush into this, that I may lose you.

Alec: What? Why would you think that?

Magnus: Look, you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable.

Alec: Magnus, you have nothing to worry about. I want this.

*Alec leans in to kiss Magnus but Magnus raises his hand to his chest again.*

Magnus: I know. I know you do but I’ve gone too fast before or someone else has. At the start of a relationship, I mean. And afterwards everything began to fade until I was left alone. I don’t want to do that with you. I know that I want this to last.

Alec: Magnus…I know the way I came in made it seem like I just want to- to just have sex or- or…that I’m not thinking of the future. That was- that was my fault. I didn’t say it right. You know I’m terrible at words.—Izzy’s going to kill me.

Magnus: Izzy?

Alec: Never mind, it’s nothing. Listen, what I meant was that I am thinking of the future. A future with you. Yes, I want to be with you now but that won’t stop tonight. You know me, Magnus. You know that once- once I’ve decided to make someone one of my people, one of my family, that’s it for me. I do anything for them. You’re that for me. One- one of my family. I’m guessing that you’re not sure because of something that happened to you before. I can see that I- that I ignored your feelings there, I’m sorry.

Magnus: Thank you, Alec.

Alec: Magnus, I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to—if you want to wait, we will—but I do want you to know that I am ready and I’m ready for you and I’m ready for this and everything that comes after too. And I want to wait until you feel ready too. I don’t want to be with you just for a night. I want to be with you for as many nights as possible. For as many nights as you’ll have me. I don’t know what will happen from now on but I know what I’m feeling right now won’t fade.

Magnus: Oh, Alexander…

Alec: Is that ok? Did I say it right this time?

Magnus: Yes…yes, you said it perfectly. Come here.

*Magnus pulls Alec in for a soft kiss and leads him back to the bedroom.*

_________________

Version 2 – The Uncontrollable Metaphors

Magnus: Alexander…I may be experienced but..it’s rare that I’ve ever felt this way about someone and…I worry that once we- that if we rush into this, that I may lose you.

Alec: What? Why would you think that?

Magnus: Look, you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable.

Alec: Magnus, you have nothing to worry about. I want this.

*Alec leans in to kiss Magnus but Magnus raises his hand to his chest again.*

Magnus: Wait. Wait, Alec…there’s more that I need to say.

*Alec pauses as Magnus searches for words.*

Magnus: Remember when we were on the balcony, when Jace was missing, and you told me that with him gone, the ground was shifting and it was hard to keep your balance?

Alec: Yes?

Magnus: That’s what I feel now…earlier today, every day lately, when I’m with you. Like I’m standing on shifting sand as the tide pulls me under.

Alec: Magnus…

Magnus: I’m drowning in you, Alexander. In what I’m feeling for you. Every day it gets harder to stay afloat. What if I get pulled out to sea and you’re still standing on the shore?

Alec: Okay, I’m going to be honest, this metaphor is losing me a little.

*Magnus gives a self-deprecating laugh.*

Magnus: You’re right. No more flowery language for this. I don’t want us to want different things, to feel different things, in this relationship. I want us to go at the same pace so that neither of us is left feeling less than the other person.

Alec: Agreed.

*Magnus pauses and looks away to gather his strength.*

Magnus: I’m falling for you, Alexander. I’m falling in a way I rarely, if ever, have before. Can you honestly tell me you’re feeling the same?

*Alec licks his lips and takes a deep breath before he goes to talk.*

Alec: You know that I don’t have- I don’t have any real experience other than you. The only thing I know is the- whatever I was feeling for Jace. What that was is not what this is with you. I know we said no more metaphors but…you told me once that emotions are like symptoms. I can feel myself getting those every day with you. And it’s more than when you walk into a room. It’s when I think about you during debriefings because I’m standing where you once stood. It’s when I’m walking through Soho and I see something shining on a table and I know I want to buy it for you. It’s when I go to sleep at night and instead of my heart beating faster it slows down because I thought of you in my dreams and it calmed me. I don’t know if that’s falling for someone like you’re falling but I think it is…isn’t it?

*Magnus struggles to control himself before he talks.*

Magnus: Yes, Alexander. That’s exactly what it is.

*Magnus smiles brightly and pulls Alec in for a kiss, pulling them both back into the bedroom.*

_________________

Version 3 – The Omamori

Magnus: Alexander…I may be experienced but..it’s rare that I’ve ever felt this way about someone and…I worry that once we- that if we rush into this, that I may lose you.

Alec: What? Why would you think that?

Magnus: Look, you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable. Today…when you gave me that omamori…I felt something I hadn’t felt-

*Magnus turns his head away for a second.*

Magnus: Do you know the last time someone gave me a gift?

*Alec shakes his head and looks puzzled but interested while Magnus gives a wry smile.*

Magnus: Me neither. *laughs* It’s been that long since someone has. Memories are my personal specialty so trust me when I say it’s hard for me to forget something.

Magnus: I told someone today that I’m used to people demanding things of me. It’s rare for people to give me things. Rarer still for it to be a gift from someone I am in a relationship with. With my friends, Tessa, Cat- *pause* Ragnor…immortals don’t really gift each other material things; we have an eternity to acquire our own wealth. We give each other metaphorical things like time alive together or space for seclusion or a traveling adventure. But lovers give material things, tangible things, and you’re the first one to do that for me in so long I can’t remember.

*Magnus pauses as he searches Alec’s eyes.*

Alec: You think that what’s happening with us is special.

Magnus: Yes! Special for me in a way that it might not be for you yet or ever.

*Alec takes a moment to think.*

Alec: Did you know that the cherry blossom is about how life is short?

Magnus: *smiling in sudden surprise* Ah, well…that’s a rather abbreviated interpretation but yes, it’s something like that. Are you talking about our walk in Tennoji Temple today? Under the cherry blossoms?

Alec: *blushing in embarrassment* I asked the man who gave that gift to me and he told me about the trees and—look, his English was tourist strong and my Japanese consists of things I picked up listening to Max talk for hours about his anime so I’m not sure if this is what he meant but…he said cherry blossoms were about how quickly life goes but how beautiful it was when it’s there.

Magnus: A flash of dazzling brilliance but gone so quickly, blooming only for that flash. You must appreciate everything, in every moment, before the season turns and the petals fall, leaving only barren branches.

Alec: Um…yeah, all of..that. *sighs* I can’t promise you forever, Magnus. I know that I’m..just a moment flashing in your life. So I bought that gift hoping that the protection I can’t promise would last longer than even me.

Magnus: Alexander…

Alec: It is special between us, Magnus. For me and for you. Both of us. Together.

Magnus: Do you mean that?

Alec: I do, Magnus. I really do.

*Alec leans in to kiss Magnus softly and pulls back to hover just over his mouth.*

Alec: Are you ok? Are you still feeling…vulnerable?

*Magnus simply inhales for a moment, sharing a breath between them.*

Magnus: No. Not anymore.

*Magnus pulls Alec back in for another kiss and they walk back into the bedroom.*

_________________

Version 4 – The Playful Callback

Magnus: Alexander…I may be experienced but..it’s rare that I’ve ever felt this way about someone and…I worry that once we- that if we rush into this, that I may lose you.

Alec: What? Why would you think that?

Magnus: Look, you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable.

Alec: Magnus, you have nothing to worry about. I want this. I told you that I spent my whole life thinking I couldn’t have what I want. Like I couldn’t be who I want. You’re the first person that made me want to try. I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to lose you either. And I don’t want to lie to you, Magnus. Some of what I’m feeling tonight comes from before us, even before we met. It’s about something I’ve been wanting for a long time. Not the- the s- sex part. Okay, well yes, the sex but not just the sex. I’m not saying this right… *huffs* I know it seems like I suddenly wanted to have sex with you but I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I’ve been stuck on pause my whole life, staring at the same picture of my family and my responsibilities and it wasn’t until I met you that someone bothered to press play. This want isn’t just from tonight and it isn’t just for tonight. It’s all of my life leading up to this moment here with you.

*Alec looks at Magnus and takes his hand.*

Alec: I don’t want to make it hard for you or pressure you but I’m not rushing. I’ve been waiting for this my whole life…I- did any of what I just said reassure you at all or did I make it worse?

Magnus: *Magnus is holding back a smile.* It was certainly a bit of a ramble but I got your meaning.

Alec: Okay?

Magnus: Okay…

Alec: Okay?

Magnus: Okay.

Alec: …Let’s play.

*The smile Magnus is holding back bursts free at that. Alec leans in to kiss Magnus and pulls him close as they continue back to the bedroom.*

_________________

Version 5 – The Bare Minimum

Magnus: Alexander…I may be experienced but..it’s rare that I’ve ever felt this way about someone and…I worry that once we- that if we rush into this, that I may lose you.

Alec: What? Why would you think that?

Magnus: Look, you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable.

Alec: Magnus, you have nothing to worry about. I want this.

*Goes to kiss Magnus again but pauses.*

Alec: Do you?

*Magnus softens and smiles a little.*

Magnus: I do.

Alec: Great.

*Alec continues kissing Magnus and they push back into the bedroom.*

_________________

Version 6 – The Harlem Blues

Magnus: Alexander…I may be experienced but..it’s rare that I’ve ever felt this way about someone and…I worry that once we- that if we rush into this, that I may lose you.

Alec: What? Why would you think that?

Magnus: Look, you’re not the only one that feels vulnerable.

Alec: Magnus, you have nothing to worry about. I want this.

*Alec leans in to kiss Magnus but Magnus raises his hand to his chest again.*

Magnus: I know you want this but…I think I want to wait. There are a dozen reasons to wait and keep talking.

Alec: Okay…

Magnus: Let’s sit down.

*Magnus leads them over to his couch. Alec rubs his sweaty palms on his pants, biting his lip as he darts glances at Magnus’ face from beneath his lashes.*

Magnus: I know our last talk about exes didn’t go so well but I guess I should tell you why I’m feeling vulnerable.

Alec: Say what you think.

Magnus: *a smile flashes* You already know about Camille. Some of it, at least. She is- was...a difficult ex and a complicated one.

Alec: Clearly…

Magnus: Yes, well…I’ve had different kinds of endings. Not just the ones that end in violence and a portal to Idris. *he takes a deep breath* In the late 1930s, I met a woman. A gorgeous mundane singer named Etta whom I asked to dance. We had one dance and we fell so hard, so fast it was like we were in love before the end of the song or maybe even before the song began.

*Magnus looks off into some liminal space, memories flashing that Alec can’t see.*

Magnus: It was the end of the Harlem Renaissance then or rather what history says was the end of it. Mortals love to put a date stamp on things. In truth the art forms continued long after the history books stopped talking about it, a little changed in topic but just as raw. The Great Depression had torn through everyone, even the Shadow World. I lost a lot then. Not just money. The only thing we had was each other and art. The artistry and inspiration and joy and rage and pain that came from Black Harlem artists in that time was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Nothing I have since, if I’m honest. Etta was part of that for me and it was a whirlwind.

*Alec’s leg gives a nervous jump and he grips his own thigh hard.*

Magnus: We didn’t stop, we didn’t think, we just felt as much as possible, as hard as possible. We thought love would be enough. Every morning hitting the pavement, trying to squeeze out a little coin that we knew would be gone by the end of the night. Every night in my apartment, slow dancing and never letting go. But by the 50s we both understood. We weren’t on the same page, not anymore. I was still twisting in the whirlwind and she was wanting to find a bunker for shelter.

*Magnus looks at Alec then.*

Magnus: She was one of the best club singers for over a decade while I knew her. Many men would come by her set and fall all over her, offering her what she wasn’t able to get from me. She wanted kids, you see. Children I couldn’t…couldn’t give her. A life lived growing old and watching the next generation prosper. She knew about me, about the Shadow World, had even met Raphael when he was staying with me for a time. I wondered if she would become immortal for me, if she wanted to live forever with me. There are…ways. But she said she didn’t want it. “If I could have more time with you, Magnus baby, I would slow the clock right on the second hand. Holding you in the eternity nestled between my heartbeats…but I don’t want to smash the clock. I don’t want to stop it. Just…pause it for a little while.”

*A tear trickles down Magnus’ cheek, surprising him. He pauses to wipe it away and his face settles into neutrality.*

Alec: Magnus…

Magnus: She left me then. Found a man, had two daughters. It wasn’t a parting like Camille. We didn’t salt the earth. I kept up with her and watched over her—which she knew—and every year that grew on, it got harder. Until her mind went and she didn’t even know my face when I came to visit her.

Alec: By the Angel…

Magnus: We wanted different things and we didn’t stop to think about it. We didn’t stop to talk. She was the last person I loved before- *sighs* …I told you once that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything for anyone for almost a century. She was the last one before I stopped. The one that made me stop. And I messed it up because I went too fast and didn’t make sure we both knew what we wanted.

*Magnus stands and glides towards the closed glass doors of his balcony and crosses his arms across his chest. Alec and Magnus look at each other through their reflections in the glass panes.*

Magnus: I do want to be with you, Alexander. In every way imaginable. Consumedly, maddeningly…but if I’ve learned nothing from my past, Etta at least taught me that the whirlwind is fun for a time but a tornado always leaves wreckage in its wake.

Alec: We’ll wait. I can wait. I’m not-

*Alec stands abruptly and goes over to Magnus. He hesitates for a moment and then wraps his arms around Magnus from behind. Magnus’ hands that had been gripping his own biceps loosen and move to lightly press against Alec’s forearms.*

Alec: I’m not going anywhere.

*Magnus is somehow more vulnerable than ever before and yet more secure than he was earlier that evening. Waiting and talking had been exactly the right thing to do. He closes his eyes and rests his head against Alec’s temple.*

Magnus: Thank you.

*Fade to black.*

_________________

A/N: I changed the dialog for Etta. lmao IDGAF. This is show Malec anyway so I decided to give her a more lyrical turn on account of she was a musician during the Harlem Renaissance. Apparently I was feeling really metaphorical today cuz there’s like 6 of them in this joint. I’m sorry.

The Harlem Blues was my favorite cuz I loved the idea of Etta even if we barely see her in the books. The Omamori was my second favorite cuz it tied to the gift.

Let me know what you think. Which version is the one you liked most? Peace.

#shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #harry shum jr #matthew daddario #fanfiction #myfics #I tag as if this is not the first fic-type thing I've ever written on here. lmao

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sturmxundxdrang · 8 years ago

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So, the day where I’ll finally spill out everything that happened when I went to see Rammstein is finally here. I do warn you, that this is gonna be an extremely long journey, if you decide that this is worth a reading. So, yeah, buckle up and prepare yourself for tons of details (I’m a writer, if I don’t put details here, I’ll die haha) and me rambling. It’s under read more ‘cause not everyone wants a huge post on Rammstein in their dashboard :p (plus a few pictures attached)

Inspired by Paulie x.

Just so this won’t be longer than it already is going to be, I’ll make things short that I have been a fan since 2011 or something, and the last time they had been in Brazil was 2010, I believe. Ever since I started listening to them, I was sure I wanted to see them live, but to me, I always thought I’d have to wait like a long time because either they wouldn’t come back that soon, or I wouldn’t be able to go, for some reason.

It was mid 2015, my last year in high school, when the news spread that Rammstein would come in 2016. Just rumors, but I started saving right away. So, I had a friend in school that, for the sake of me, would put up with my nonstop talk about the six german men I loved so much. She’d fangirl over Richard with me, sing Du Hast the whole damn class, and even said she’d go to the concert with me if they really came. So I had in mind that I’d have at least someone to go with me, but I was wrong. As soon as it was confirmed that they would really come to the Maximus Festival, she stepped back, saying she couldn’t go. Now I had two more friends that were willing to go, but in the end, none of them could. And plus there was Hel, who would of course go with me, but for bigger reasons, she couldn’t make it. So, I was alone in the end and there was no way my mother would let me travel alone to a music festival. The first plan was for her to go with me, but when they started selling the tickets, it was too expensive to buy two for us, so I started looking out for someone else. I did buy one ticket right when they started selling, just so it wouldn’t sell out, and I had in mind that if there was no one going with me, I didn’t really care, I would go by myself.

One month before the show, I met this guy through a friend, and invited him to come with me, to which he said yes. Now I had him coming, and plus a cousin that lives in Sao Paulo. I kept on talking to him, to get to know him and all, because, hell, he’d spend one of the most important days in my life with me so I might as well get a friend out of this, right? Okay, we became friends, and on September 6, at noon, we took a bus to Sao Paulo. Five damn hours, I was extremely excited, hoping not to have a panic attack and shit, and we needed to make it before night so we still had the time to go pick up the tickets. I never had been alone in Sao Paulo, didn’t know shit, but me and my buddy had to figure it out how to make it to my cousin’s home because he wouldn’t come pick us up, like what was originally planned. Long story short, my cellphone died, we waited for hours at the train station near my cousin’s house so he could come pick us up, we had to pick up the tickets before the show next morning, and we barely had any sleep (not that I would sleep anyway, as soon as I laid down in that bed I just started rambling to my friend about how excited I was haha).

At night, we planned on waking up at 6am, because it was a damn long way to the arena, and of course we wanted to be there early, right? In the end, we woke up at 9, my cousin convinced his mom to let him drive us there, and after we picked up a friend of his, we left. It was a damn huge walk to get to where we would get the Maximus bracelet (I guess that’s the therm) because dumb us parked way too far. We arrived at noon and got inside like... After 1pm. The place was huge, themed with Mad Max stuff, and it was just... Amazing! I had never been to a music festival before so you guess how damn happy I was that in my first festival, I was about to see my favorite band in the world. I’m gonna attach a few pictures that my friend took, because I took my father’s phone instead of mine and the camera was terrible lol

So this is us (you can see who is me haha) my friend beside me in plaid, and my cousin with the Anthrax shirt. (the girl beside me is my cousin’s friend, who is with me the next day - you’ll know if you decide it’s worth reading everything). This is the damn entrance guys, over those barrels, there was fire. Fire! Like, shit, this is my place to be.

I was stunned at how big and amazing it was, everything had fire coming out of it, it was damn awesome.

Here are the stages. Rammstein would play at night in the one in the right, the Maximus Stage. So, you guess where I aimed to be during the whole day.

When we arrived, Shinedown was playing, but we walked around a bit to get to know the place, then my cousin and his friends left to their own and me and my friend stopped at the Maximus Stage and saw HellYeah. It was insane, the first time I ever saw them, and honestly, it was damn great. After that, we went to grab something to eat, and some water for me, and so I said ‘here’s the deal, I’m gonna be in that crowd the rest of the day’ ‘cause obviously I wanted to be as close to the stage as I possibly could. So, me and friend done that and agreed on meeting at the locker room thingy if we got lost of each other. Smart me, knew I would eventually get lost in the crowd, because as I fought my way inside, he kind got left behind. And honestly, I couldn’t look out for both of us, so, had to leave him there.

Fast forward a bit, after Halestorm, Bullet For My Valentine and all, there was Disturbed (pic above but you can’t really see them :p I was a lot closer than this). I absolutely adore Disturbed, have known them for as long as I know Rammstein, and I was so fucking happy that I got to see them that night as well, and I was going crazy, singing the whole songs, jumping, all that stuff. People around me kind stared, because everyone standing that close to the stage was obviously waiting for Rammstein :p but yeah. Also, I cried real tears when they made a cover of Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. Next, was Marilyn Manson. I so regret not paying full attention to his gig, honestly. But there was a reason: there was a guy behind me, who kept pressing himself closer and closer. Like, I understand I’m in a fucking crowd and all, but there’s a difference between not having enough space and trying to press yourself to someone’s body. I said nothing, didn’t move. Up until he literally came closer to my ear, asking me if I wanted to leave with him. Like, dude, what the fuck, I paid to see my gods, I paid to see the hot German dudes, I paid to be here and yell at them how I love them, not to leave with a damn random guy from the crowd that I’ve never seen in my life ?? so, okay, I say no, start looking at the huge screen trying to focus on Marilyn Manson. Now, I never felt attracted to him in no way, but I have to mention this little part. As soon as I saw him in the big screen, my first thought was: damn, he doesn’t look bad at all. (And that was the beginning of my fall because for the next month I went crazy over Manson :p). At that point, dude behind me was pressing his things on me, and I was uncomfortable, of course. Every time I moved away, he moved closer. I had to think fast, so yeah, I saw these people beside me talking. A small girl older than me, a very tall guy with her that looked as nice as a puppy, a guy and a girl my age (that saved my number to send me the pics she took during Rammstein but never really sent me anything :p), and an older guy in front of them. They were chatting about Manson, so for the damn first time in my life I joined a conversation I wasn’t invited in. Then, after talking a bit, I looked over at the guy my age and asked him if he could switch places with me because the guy behind me was being a jerk. He said of course and I was so damn happy I could have hugged him (plus the older dude standing in front of us stared at the guy behind me for a good few minutes). We proceeded to start talking again, sharing where we were all from, they told me they had been at the hotel and met the guys and how they were sweethearts (specially Flake) and we were all begging Manson to be over soon (it’s not like he was bad, but he kept pausing for like 5 minutes in between the songs, stuff like that, and let’s be honest, we wanted to see Rammstein, right?). I remember feeling like I’d fall down anytime, because I had been standing there for hours, and for a few seconds I thought that I wouldn’t make it, like, seriously, I thought I’d faint and they would take me away.

So, as soon as Manson’s show was over, the crowd was all pressed towards the stage, and lucky me, got closer :p I was standing like very damn close to the stage now and I couldn’t be happier. It took them a good 10 minutes, and man, we were all going crazy. As soon as the damn countdown started, there was this energy and everyone screaming and like... Dude, we were one right there. I remember the small girl beside me (she was such a sweetheart) saying she wouldn’t count down, and I said ‘I’m too excited, I can’t count right now’ but as soon as it got to ten, the two of us were counting together lol but like seriously, it seemed to take ages to that countdown to end.

Then finally, the curtain fell down and I never felt my heart beat so fast (although it’s racing right now as I type down these words), and I stopped in my tracks, staring at the stage with the biggest smile on my face and already crying of joy. I feel so damn blessed that besides being so close, I was standing right in front of Richard. God, I was seeing this man I loved so much right in front of me... I couldn’t take my eyes off of him for the most time. I remember looking at Till when he walked in and thinking ‘my God, they are fucking real. Till Lindemann is fucking real!’ and started crying again. By that time my leg was no longer hurting, because I was so damn excited that I forgot everything. At the moment everything I could think about was the six men on that stage, and only that.

There was this one guy standing in front of me that looked back, realized I was struggling to see the stage properly (I’m smol what can I do), then he looked back at Richard, then back at me, and stepped aside, before smiling at me. I’m so damn thankful for this man, because when I was crying I kinda pressed my arms against his back, resting my chin on it, I didn’t even realize for a good few minutes, so I just kinda apologized for that, and he chuckled and said it was okay (I’m pretty sure I saw him at the airport next day but idk the man I thought to be him kinda stared at me as well, so who knows). Bless him. Here in this pic below you can kinda see where my friend was standing. I was closer than that, I still can’t believe dude. It still feels so fucking unreal.

Now, little fun thing: there was two times where Till grabbed a bottle of water, took a long sip, and then threw it at the crowd. Guess who the fuck got blessed with that water? Yes, me. Both damn times.

Like, I think I never cried that much of joy ever. It was tears and tears from beginning to the ending, and I sang so damn loud that when I tried screaming ‘ich liebe dich Richard’ my voice wouldn’t come out hahaha I would laugh now and then at the dumb little things they did on stage and I’d feel so damn complete, y’know? Like... Right there I was the happiest I had ever been. It was a pure form of joy, of love. During that concert I knew true happiness, and I know I sound crazy by saying that but if you love something so much... Standing near them is just the most precious thing in the world. And it is such a great and pure bonding between the whole damn crowd and them... It’s like we are one, y’know? There was this pure energy coming from them to us, and flowing back from us to them... It’s just too good to even try to explain.

Now, here’s the kind bad part of me: whenever I experience great feelings (bad or good) I start dissociating. Like, I fly out of myself and it’s like I’m watching from afar, or I feel like that isn’t real. With all these great feelings inside of me, this damn thing was starting to happen, but you know, when the fire started, the heat would hit me in the face and wake me up from this dissociation and I’d think to myself ‘it’s happening, it’s real’. And I just love fire so much and their effects, seeing it live was the greatest experience I ever fucking had.

We sang all of the songs so damn loud, that I could see their proud faces now and then when Till would stop singing to hear us. We would even hum the melodies, y’know? And Richard just looked at us with this big smile... Goddamn, I love him haha. There was this one time that Till tried saying ‘raise your hands’ in portuguese but ended up with ‘raise your moms’ and that was so cute I wanted to hug him. Me being so small, I barely could see Paul, the only time I got to see him properly was when he went to Richard’s place and Richard to his. With Ollie and Doom too, I sometimes couldn’t see them most of the time (specially because they’re a bit far and I need glasses to see that far :/) but, yeah, just seeing them a couple of times was enough to fill my heart with joy <3 now there was Flake. I would laugh at him dancing all the damn time and he’s such a sweetheart tbh damn... Y’all know how it goes, they thank us, leave, and then come back to sing a few more songs (I can’t remember the right order tbh so I apologize).

I don’t think I ever been more happy than when I got to see the Engel wings and sing so loud that Gott weiss ich will kein Engel sein, like seriously. During Engel, my friend called me telling me to go back to the locker room because we wouldn’t be able to leave when the show was over and I literally went ‘what?! are you crazy?? I can’t leave now, wait-” and lowered the cellphone just to yell the lyrics ahaha he hung up and I didn’t leave, obviously. So, they left the stage again, but Flake was there for a few more seconds, and everyone went silent for some reason. That’s when I yelled ‘FLAKE!’ so loud and the girl beside me did the same. He damn heard us!!!!! He looked back at us and even waved <3 of course he didn’t know where it was coming from, but he waved <333333

As soon as he left the stage as well, everyone started yelling ‘Te Quiero Puta!’ and we didn’t stop until the lights went on again and they got back to the stage. But, the thing is: before Till even started singing, we did in such a loud chorus, that the six of them just watched us for almost the whole song. Till was so proud, Richard was so proud (they were the ones I could see from omg), and it made me so damn happy. Man, I truly hope that they could feel the love coming from all of us and how important they are to us, y’know? I just really hope they know that. This time they all got in line to say their final thanks, and Till whispered ‘it was a pleasure being here’ in portuguese, but like, he began so low that all most of us could hear was ‘being here’ and some people even said ‘what?’ and I was like ‘HE’S SO FUCKING CUTE !!!!!!!!!1′ like, I kid you not hahah

Okay, so, the concert part is over now. After that I walked to the locker room (I literally couldn’t walk properly nor feel my legs) to meet my friend, and we started walking to where we agreed to meet my cousin. I met this girl that I knew online, and it was so crazy that I saw her there, like, we didn’t even plan haha I just saw her and yelled her name and it was her lol. Anyways, the plan was the following: as soon as we got out of the gig, we would drive right to the hotel to wait for them. But, my jerk of cousin stepped back and didn’t wanna go. I was like so pissed at him, but y’know, I just had the best time in my life, so yeah. And then his friend told me she’d go the next day to the hotel to try to see Manson and all, and since he was staying at the same hotel as Rammstein, she asked if me and my friend wanted to go. I was like ‘obviously!!!!’, so I got her number and we went home.

Here’s the sad part, if you don’t wanna hear how I got my heart broken trying to meet my idols, you’re allowed to stop here :p

I said we had to wake up early to get early to the concert, right? We also had to wake up early to get the train and bus (plus a 10 minute walk) to get to the hotel, and they were leaving at 9am or so. We had to wake up at 6, at least, and be at the metro by 7. It turns out, we left at 8:30, and got there like 10-ish. We got a taxi, and as soon as we stopped in front of the hotel, the security opened the door for me and I honestly thought ‘he’s gonna send us away omg’, but he’s supposed to do it with everyone they’re receiving lol so yeah, he asks me ‘are you guys here for the band?’ and as soon as he said that, I knew it. My heart crushed. I said yes. ‘They left ten minutes ago’ (or fifteen, I can’t recall, I was hurt lol). I had no idea what to fucking do, all I knew is that I had to try everything to go see them. I ask him which airport, and right away the taxi driver says ‘I can take you there for 100′. Like, damn there was no way we could pay all that. I had 50, my friend had 50, and we had already spent like 35 to get there, because we were paying for the two of us, plus my cousins friend (my jerk of a cousin didn’t want to drive us there, if he did, I would have made it in time - I’ll never forgive him). So, I say no, he lowers it to 80, and I decline again. But right away I remembered Uber was less expensive and I had a code that would take out 35. The girl called an Uber, and what was supposed to be 65, lowered down to 30. It was a damn long trip, we were in the car for almost 50 minutes, here’s the map:

So, you wanna know what I did in these 50 minutes? First, I was having a panic attack through the whole trip. Second, my mom knew I was going to the hotel to see them, so she messaged me and all I said was ‘I’m in a cab, going to the airport’ and she went crazy bc obviously, she knew I had no money to come back. We had like 35, and from the airport to my cousin’s house, we’d need to take the train, and a bus. Obviously, it wasn’t even close to what we needed so the three of us could make it back home. So, she was freaking out, saying she would never ever let me go out alone like that and as soon as I came back home I’d hear from her and my dad. Like, at the moment I didn’t even care, all I wanted was to see the guys. Whatever if I can’t make it back to my cousin’s, I’d give it a way, y’know? I had two friends that lived at least a bit close to the airport, but I only managed to contact one and he offered to lend me some money to go back (I think that’s what happened, I don’t remember everything in details because of the panic attack I was having. Lucah, if you ever read this, I love you so fucking much and I don’t know what would have I done that day if you weren’t there and talked to me tbh, you’re one of the most precious people in my life), but I didn’t want money borrowed, because I felt it wasn’t right. My cousin’s parents wouldn’t allow him to go pick us up (like, seriously, they just did not) and we were all freaking out already. (A few weeks ago my brother told me that my mom was so nervous that she was crying and saying she’d slap me when I got back ahahah man I feel terrible that she had to be that nervous, but I had to do it). Long story short, we were going to the airport and we had no money to come back.

So, there were three gates. The driver asked us which one he should leave us, and we were like ??? ‘cause we legit didn’t know, so he left us in gate 1 (or A, I can’t recall). Turns out, it was the wrong one, we had to take this bus to 2 (or B) and then, I saw a guy with a LIFAD t shirt, and I rushed up to him asking if the guys were still there. His answer? ‘they got in literally 5 minutes ago, in gates 3 (or C)’. Goddamn it I never hated time so fucking much!!!!! But still, me, my friend and my cousin’s friend (who I consider now my friend because she’s been with me that day) literally ran all the way to gate 3. We got to the check in area, and I rushed up to this lady, where they get in the little room before going to the plane (I have no idea about the therms in English so cope with me). My friend asked her if she saw a band walk in, and I explained ‘six guys, y’know, big, one of them small’ and she goes ‘oh! they’re famous? no one was here when they arrived’ AND LIKE FUCK GUYS NO ONE WAS THERE TO TAKE PICS???? but I said nothing and then she chuckled and said ‘they were really nice. One of them had to go back to check in because his ticket wasn’t working. I helped him out and he came back saying thank you a billion times’ and that’s when it hit me. They had been there for real. I look at her and ask ‘how did he look like?’ so she smiles ‘he was very tall, had a beard’ I SWEAR TO GOD I LOOKED BACK AT MY FRIENDS WITH MY HEART BEING SHATTERED TO PIECES AND TRYING NOT TO CRY BUT I BET MY EYES WERE ALL RED AND ALL I MANAGED TO DO WAS A FAINT WHISPER SAYING ‘IT’S OLLIE’ (I’m trying not to cry now, it still kinda hurts :p). The lady realized I was about to cry and said they were probably in a different room now, separated from the others, waiting for the plane and all, and sadly she couldn’t do anything for me.

So then I look back, and there’s this one dude beside me and he asks if I’m there to see Rammstein and I nod yes and say they left already. He looks just as sad as me, and he says he’ll try to find someone to get in there and just try to convince them to go out there again (impossible, right? but we wanted to believe that it was possible). So I go around the airport following this dude, while my mom calls me at least five times. First she’s all mad, then I assure her that someone’s gonna pick us up (I actually didn’t really know nor cared how we would get out of the airport) and it was okay, I had talked to my friend. She calms down, and I, trying not to cry, ask her to wait because I’m trying to see if I can talk to them. Five minutes later she calls again asking if I’m gonna talk to them in English (she finds it wonderful that I learned how to speak English by myself so whenever I have a chance to talk to someone she’s literally throwing me at the opportunity lmfao), so I swallow back my tears and say that yeah, if I make it I will talk to them in English, she’s all happy by now, probably thinking that I’m about to meet them, so she hung up. I’m still after that dude that is trying to find us a way, and she calls again. This time she asks if I met them already and I just couldn’t speak because if I said one word, I would break down in tears, so I just whisper, with a knot in my throat, that I didn’t, and again, all happy she asks if I will, but all I can tell her is ‘mom, I’ll talk to you later, okay?’ and she wishes me good luck.

At this point I had no more hopes, the guy was still talking to everyone he could, trying to get someone in there to talk to them and all, and my friends wanted to go outside, so I followed them and sat down. There were these two guys waiting for Disturbed, and they offered us a ride to the bus stop, which would save us a lot of money so we could eat, because we were already starving. We went to get something to eat, and while they counted the money and how much they could spend, I was zoning out, wanting to cry, I felt like a fail ‘cause I had that thing planned for months and nothing went like I planned and shit. The two of them got something for us to eat, I don’t know what is the therm in English but it’s this little bread thing with cheese that is very popular over here but I swear I hate it because I used to eat a lot. Just the thought of it makes me feel disgusted somehow, but at the time I was so out of myself and so upset that ended up eating without even realizing. After that we went to meet the guy again, and he told me he got a guy from the airport to go talk to the band. He would go out again at 2pm and bring us news, film a video or something like that. So we all sat down while me and the guy talked, he said he had met the guys before and how Flake was adorable, how Richard was amazingly nice to him and even talked to him for a while... I was still sad, but just talking to someone about them made me a little better. I remember telling him ‘I feel like shit because the men of my life are standing under the same roof and I can’t even see them, y’know?’ and I knew that he felt exactly like me, so it was like... I don’t know, it meant a lot that someone knew how it was for me.

At 2pm, the guy from the airport comes looking from us. We were all excited again, and he just says ‘I’m sorry, they got in the plane already’ and showed a video of him all excited asking someone about the band and this person saying ‘they got in the plane already’. He was sad for us as well, apologized and left. The fan guy talked about his band (I have him on facebook now), said he’s sorry and we should try again next time and left. So, now we were the three of us alone, didn’t meet Rammstein, I was still so upset I couldn’t think straight, no money, and the two guys who offered us a ride had to leave because Disturbed wasn’t coming until 4pm and they had to leave way before that.

We sat down outside, then walked through the whole damn airport for a good two hours, then met this one dude with a camera in hands saying that Halestorm was inside. We were like ???? but got inside and there they were. They were all very nice, Lzzy hugged me, told me and my friend we were pretty, just as well as her brother (I think it’s her brother? I don’t know much about Halestorm) and took the pic with us. Here:

Then I saw the guys from Shinedown walking in, and they looked in a hurry so I didn’t know if I should ask for a picture or not? They kept staring at us, and it seemed like they were waiting for us to approach them, so in the end I asked Zach if he was okay with taking a pic with me, and he said sure and straight away pulled me closer for the pic and I was happy at how nice he was. The other guys had already rushed to check in.

(Look at him, cute lil bean + forgive my face, I was still trying not to cry). So, after that, the guy with the camera followed us around, and he told us that Disturbed would be there in a while, which made me feel a bit better, ‘cause yeah, at least I would meet a band that I really like, right? So, as we waited, the guy with the camera gave me a pen and a paper to get autographs and all, and we sat outside, staring at every van that stopped there, waiting for Disturbed. We saw most of the bands that played at the festival, but most of them we didn’t know, so we were scared we’d end up confusing the crew with the band members, so we didn’t dare asking for pics and all hahaha

Also, a girl wearing a Rammstein shirt with her father sat down near us, and it literally broke my heart to tell her that Rammstein had left already (it was almost like 4:30pm by the time) and to see her just as sad as I was. Her father sighed, smiled at her and said they would try again next time, and honestly, I just wanted to hug her ‘cause I knew exactly how it was :/

When we saw the Disturbed van arrive, we rushed inside just to watch them get into the check in area. A security guard told us to wait until they checked in, and they would take pics and all (he was kinda rude, we wouldn’t go crazy yelling or anything, we were pretty chill) so we said alright and waited by the line. John Moyer and Mike Wengren gave me the autograph there, and I was shaking a bit so when I went to hand the pen to Mike it fell and I said ‘opa’ which is like ‘oops’ lmfao so after the two of them autographed, we went to the end of the line to wait for them, and Dave is so small omg (ok he’s taller than me) he was leaning on the counter and it was so fucking cute I wanted to squeeze him haha as soon as they were done, Dan walked us with this gigantic smile (he’s such a big guy but he’s so nice) and I felt so happy, dude. I was the first, handed him the paper and he signed down his name and wrote ‘Disturbed’, smiled at me as I thanked him and gave my friend a hug.

Then I went to Dave, and I wanted to tell him that I love Indestructible, and ever since I was 13 years old I wanted to use it as my wrestling theme song, and that he's inspiration to a very important character in my novel, but I was kinda nervous and all I managed to say was 'can I hug you?' to which he chuckled and said sure, before opening his arms and pulling me for a hug. I took the picture with him and just looked at them while they took pics with the other fans over there.

One guy was talking to my friend and filming, asking what Disturbed meant for him, I suppose they're gonna make a documentary and I'm still waiting to see it and look at my nervous ass in the background ahahha (I will definitely share it here lol)

So, Disturbed was the last band and then it hit the three of us that we had to find a way to go back to my cousin’s house. We didn't have money and no one to pick us up. The girl called her mother, that worked until 7pm in a hospital near the area, so she told us she would go pick us up. My cellphone was dead, we had nothing to do and we had walked around the airport too much already, and let's face it, none of us had slept properly that night, so we were extremely tired and sad. We still had like two hours to wait, so we sat down for a while, not talking because no one felt like it. My friend was worried because he had to get back home that day (our original plan was to go to the hotel during the morning, come back to my cousin's for lunch and then take the bus home at the afternoon. We didn't know we would be that crazy and do all that lol), I was extremely upset, and the girl was tired.

We ended up going to the bookstore, wandered around a little, and then found an empty place to sit. It had lots of benches, and each of us sat in one. I remember laying down and telling them 'no one can sleep ok' but guess who fell asleep? Me. I remember having a weird dream and then someone said 'she's dead' and I jumped awake lmfao turns out they were trying to wake me up for a good few minutes and my friend said I was dead and that's when I woke up ahahha I literally jumped up and started walking and almost fell down, he held me as the girl told me to calm down lmfao

We went to the entrance, where her mom would pick us up, and it was so cold omg she thought her mom would be mad at her but she laughed at us for being crazy and going after a band lol she took us back to my cousins house, I put my phone to charge and cried my eyes out before going to sleep lol

Next morning, 6am, my cousin’s father took us to the subway, and then we took the bus home. I slept all the way back, and when I arrived, my mom picked me up and said nothing until we arrived home. I was supposed to go to work but asked her if I could stay home (I work with my dad) and they let me (because obv they saw in my face that something was wrong). My mom was staying home for a while as well, so I sat down to tell her what had happened during those two days (damn I'm legit gonna cry) and as soon as I got to the part where I missed seeing them for 20 fucking minutes, I literally broke down. I couldn't stop crying, it was hard to talk because I was sobbing. My mom rarely sees me cry, (in fact, I never really cry in front of anyone), so at that point she knew how much it meant for me, and she started crying with me. I told her how I felt so cheated on by myself because I had everything to make it work, but I just failed, y’know? Like I was about to reach something, but I was pulled away. She hugged me, assuring me that next time they came she would drive me there to make sure I was gonna see them, no matter what (she even suggested staying at the same hotel, just to make me feel better haha). She always said I was overreacting when I told her I wanted to meet them, but when she saw me crying, I think she understood how important it was for me. Now when I talk about Rammstein, she doesn’t wrinkle her nose like I’m being dumb, she just listens and nods along. She even watched Engel live with me (which turns out is her favorite song now lol) and said how amazing it was that Till had wings during the live version.

Okay, guys, so that is it. This is my whole experience where I been in a roller coaster of feelings during two days, how I saw the men I love more than anything, and how I almost met them. I feel that the airport day hurt me a lot, and I still get sad now and then but I would definitely do it all over again.

I just scrolled the page and realized it was gigantic, and I don’t think anyone will ever read it, but whatever lmfao I’ll come back to read it myself every other day because I don’t ever want to forget.

Tagging because I was asked to: @srt-iero @thunder-lightning-strike (I’m sorry about the gigantic wall of text lol)

#vamp #rammstein #concert experience #seriously i didn't think it would be this huge #oh god

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canaryatlaw · 8 years ago

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Okay so today was good for several reasons, one of them being despite having difficult falling asleep last night (because that's what happens when you sleep in) I was still able to get out of bed and didn't feel completely and utterly exhausted all day and don't feel all that exhausted now, so I'm calling that a win. Hopefully we can continue down this path and it's all signs of my body getting back to normal. But yeah, alarm went off at 7, got ready and took the bus to work, somewhere along the way I realized I left my blazer on my bedroom floor. Whoops. Not like it's a big deal though. Got to work and promptly had nothing to do, supervisor wasn't around and the lawyer on my calendar that I needed the file back from to continue my assignment was nowhere to be found, so I decided to be productive and write up my application for my school's public interest summer scholarship, which is due Friday. I had been unsure if I was going to apply because I didn't know if my possible position in NYC would be eligible for funding, but I emailed and asked yesterday and they said any non-profit or legal aid org internationally works so I'm good to go. It would be very nice to have funding (it's typically $5,000 for 10 weeks of working 40 hours a week) because if I get the NYC position I'll still have to cover rent at my Chicago apartment and presumably sublet an apartment in Brooklyn or nearby (because I'm not commuting from my house every day for 10 weeks, it's just not happening) and that can get pricey of course. The application starts like, write a statement, one page max, describing your public service work and of course my mind is going "oh crap I hope I can come up with enough" and of course as soon as I start writing the words just keep coming and soon enough I'm having to edit to keep it down to a page, lol. They wanted to know what positions you applied to and the status of your applications, and what specific school events sponsored by the public interest orgs you've volunteered at, then a cover letter, copy of your resume, and an unofficial transcript. The cover letter was easy enough, and I feel like I should have a solid shot because my public service background is ridiculously extensive (like it's actually insane) and this is very much what I want to do. So I was feeling good about that. I finished that sometime between 10:30 and 11, and there was still no sign of either of the people I was looking for, so I retreated to read some fan fiction and try to work down the ridiculous back up my inbox a bit (my goal for spring break is gonna be to get through all of it) which was of course highly enjoyable. Around noon I got my lunch and soon after found the lawyer I was looking for and received the file, so I got to work on that being that I had already spent time dicking around like I would on my lunch break, and I worked on that for the rest of the day. It's just more of the same trial prep, which is fairly monotonous as you're just summarizing every single page of a report into one giant document, and it's very slow to go through when you have a huge file to go through. So it's not terribly thrilling work, but it's good enough I suppose. I headed out shortly before 5, and DCFS guy from this summer was at the bus stop and onto the train with me since I was going downtown for class, so we talked and traded stories and all that, I forget how amusing he is (strictly platonic though). So that was an enjoyable bus/train ride. Got to the courthouse and panicked for a second because when I walked in it looked like everyone was wearing blazers because there are some weeks we have to dress professionally and OF COURSE this is the ONE day I forget my damn blazer, but upon further inquiry I found out we didn't have to and it was just people coming from work and others wearing sweaters, so that was a relief. Since we have an uneven number of people in our group for our mini-trials we're doing we have one guy from another group hanging with us for the next few weeks, and it happens to be that guy I kind of like to hang out with sometimes (I forget what I called him when I previously spoke about him, but he's been around) and we started talking and decided that we would be each other's witnesses for the mini-trials, and be partners for the final trial at the end of the semester, which I'm fairly satisfied with. He's kind of an ass but he's good and he's funny, so I'll take it, plus I think we work well together so that's a plus. Class we were doing opening statements and I hadn't fully memorized mine, but had a fair idea of the layout and did have my notes with me. Our case got called first, so it was plaintiff and then me. I remembered a surprising amount from memory and barely had to glance at my notes, something the professor noticed and complimented me on, so I was pleased with that. Got that over with, rest of the class was just others doing theirs, and we got out around 7:30 which was nice. I made it home by 8:35 and of course turned on legends immediately, from the beginning of the episode. You guys, this damn episode. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. It was SO good, I think my second favorite episode of the show just behind Turncoat. There's so much for me to geek out about, but first I have to say THE COMBAT. Watching Caity Lotz fight another version of herself was like, pure combat porn, so incredibly graceful and it was perfectly choreographed for her, just....gah, it makes my inner combat nerd so happy to see. I love Sara and Jax working as a team!! They're so great together. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP BEING MEAN TO MICK THOUGH. I was sad about Sara's comment that evil Mick would just be regular Mick. Like, no, he's come so far, even if he does want to kill Rip he's rather justified in that desire and he's not even close to the person he used to be, so stop shitting on him. As stated earlier I was so happy to see them openly acknowledge in canon that Sara is bisexual, specifically, just because of all the crap that happened earlier in the season and around the time of the crossover that had a lot of people very legitimately worried about what they were doing with her sexuality. It felt like we'd come a long way from there so it made me happy to see. GIDEON AND RIP THOUGH. ALL THE YES. They were so perfectly adorable and I totally ship Rip and his timeship (pun very much intended) even if it's partially driven by my desire to keep him from being shipped with certain female members of the crew that will remain unnamed, but that's more of just an added bonus. They were super cute and it was definitely very doctor who and his TARDIS, which I thought was great. Still very meh on Nate and Amaya as an actual couple, but they did manage to be rather cute tonight. And of course Ray would name the female T-Rex Gertrude. And the legends dolls he made, omg, I was dying. Ray you lovable dork. I think that covers most of my feelings on the matter, but yeah I liked it a lot and I like the direction we're headed in. It was still relatively early when I finished legends since we got out early, so I turned on the flash, which was also an exceptionally good episode, it was just so very sad for pretty much everyone. Poor Wally man, he was getting shat on from some many angles this whole episode. It was of course in the end their lack of working together as a team that did them in, which is of course a major theme of the series. DID I NOT TELL YOU THROWING THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE INTO THE SPEED FORCE WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA. I VERY MUCH DID BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D ALSO TRAP SAVITAR IN THERE YOU IDIOT. But nobody listens to me.....lol. HR comforting Jessie was adorably sweet. The whole Barry and Iris engagement thing gave me a lot of feelings, because of course I want them to be together and get married but I understand how Iris feels now and I can't say I'd feel any differently if I was in her position (which, of course, I hope I never will be). I hope they work it out though because they clearly belong together. I thought it was odd Joe was all "why didn't you ask for my permission" when he proposed using the ring Joe had saved for him?? Didn't he have to ask Joe for the ring?? Lol what continuity?? Small potatoes though. Overall I really liked it. After that I still didn't feel like calling it a night since I don't have to get up super early tomorrow, so I decided to watch the premiere of Time After Time I missed the other night, not realizing it was a 2 hour premiere but ending up not caring. I thought it was very interesting! I'll definitely keep watching. HG Wells is a giant dork and as much as I will continue to yell at him for acting like a hopeless love struck idiot, he is an excellent protagonist and way to frame the story. The guy playing Jack the Ripper is all kinds of brilliant, definitely has the charming but chilling psychopath thing down to a science. So yeah, it was enjoyable and I'm on board the train did now at least. We'll see where it goes in the future. And alrighty folks, that's it for my day and it's past 1:30 am now so I think I will be trying to get some sleep now. Goodnight my loves. Have a wonderful tomorrow.

#daily journal #March 2017 #rachel watches legends of tomorrow #Rachel watches the flash

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maxbronte · 8 years ago

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SEND ONE FOR MY MUSE’S REACTION // STILL ACCEPTING.prompt. ▤ : f a l l i n g a s l e e p o n t h e m .set. one week after Ruby gave him his iPhone, one week before the Gaslit Reunion & Winter Formal, one morning before Max’s google search of Grey’s story.disclaimer. permission HAS been granted from Blythe for the godmodding in this post.

-☸-

The smell of carnations starts to remind her of the smell of her old corsage, which reminds her of the smell of sweat and adrenaline, which reminds her of the smell of a lover’s dead body, just settling into rigor mortis. And they’re everywhere. Everywhere she goes, she finds them– they find her; they’re on all edges of campus like cold steel prison bars caging her into a traumatic cycle and she just wants out already.

Solution: maybe tell the police or someone about this situation. No, no, that won’t do. That would require formally accepting reality. Solution: go to sleep and ignore it. Tried it. She can’t sleep knowing that some kooky prankster keeps finding a way into her room at night. Solution: Leave campus. This is not a permanent fix. She can’t leave forever. But temporary escapism gives her an immediate comfort and she’s too miserable right now to care about what it means for the longrun.

Besides, she already knows a foolproof place to go to clear her head. Max has been trying to take a trip to the nearest pier since her parents first confirmed her authorization to drive off campus. But Sid won’t come, too sour to indulge her, tells her to “get out of here with that white girl shit.” And she wouldn’t invite Ruby– Max is too embarrassed to ask her, needs to keep up her non-sentimental partygirl cool. And she doesn’t want to invite Mitch– docks are too special for her to share with him. And maybe she’d call Cypress if she didn’t recently come to the realization that Cypress totally sucks.

She’s still determined to go despite lack of a date, but survival instinct says she needs to take someone to talk to so she won’t fall asleep at the wheel– because, as disappointing as her life’s production may be, she refuses to willingly walk out of the theater before the final scene. Lucky for Max, she may not have to call curtains on this trip just yet. She has one fail-safe dark horse in her contacts list.

Gʀᴇʏ ᴄᴀᴠᴇʀʟy is the one masochist out there with that perfectly specific blend of boredom and free time necessary to humor her company every so often. He has the offbeat sense of “adventure” to entertain a high-maintenance space-case’s antics, but enough common sense not to get emotionally invested. And hassling him to go on a road trip at this hour may very well be the third strike he needs to stop talking to her entirely, but she’s willing to take the chance– best to lose him sooner rather than later, for her as someone with much less of the common sense needed not stunt emotional investment.

-☸-

[one-missed-call-two-missed-calls-three-missed-calls from Miss Maxine at 5:09am.]

Miss Maxine [5:11am]: 📣📣 𝙬𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙪𝙥, 𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙚𝙠𝙮 𝙗𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙧𝙙Miss Maxine [5:11am]:𝙬𝙚’𝙧𝙚 𝙜𝙤𝙣𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙨𝙚 𝙖 𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡Miss Maxine [5:12am]: 𝙨𝙤𝙛𝙩𝙡𝙮 🌅

[seen by 👽Scary Pixie Dream Boy 🌚 at 5:20am.]

-☸-

Max heads out early early to load the car up with blankets & trail mix & two thermoses of her favorite peppermint espresso, but the f a k e c h e e r she worked so hard to muster completely DROPS when she finds putrid red carnations in her glove compartment and littering the gas pedal floor. She picks out every stray petal one by one, stomps them into the parking lot asphalt, opens a new pine air freshener to drown the faint and maddening smell out of her car before he meets her there at the negotiated time of 6 am.

She regains her cool as Grey meets her Jetta for the first time, and then Max explains that when she said ‘raise hell,’ she meant that they were going to watch a terrific ball of flaming hell rip the night sky open and rise to the top-center of the earth, and she hoped he would be too tired to realize that this was her way of trying to make ‘watching the sunrise’ sound hardcore. As her luck would have it, Grey’s just as sharp-witted and wise-assed in the early morning– calls her right out on her underwhelming plan of action. But that sure doesn’t stop him from hopping in shotgun.

( Suddenly she’s not faking the cheer anymore. )

They tell the guard in the parking lot security booth they’re going out for coffee and bagels before classes start. Handheld GPSes are tossed to the backseat. Max says they’re navigating this trip the old fashion way, says it’s become tradition since their first meeting that they don’t keep their phones on hand when they’re together. She’s really saying this because she’s desperate to get off the grid and escape reality with him, but she makes it sound like this is a playful boho thing when she insists he keep his phone off and read the map to her.

Eugene’s about an hour away from the Pacific. With the combined sense of direction of a serial wanderer and a Sagittarius, it takes about an hour-forty-five to get to the nearest pier. In sleepy delirium Max cruises right through every other stop sign, and Grey waits every time to see how long it takes her to realize she did it and break into a fit of whoops-a-daisy giggles. He has to make his usual crack about her fatality rate, of course, and say that at least there’s nobody else stupid enough to be on the road at this hour.

Between her wrong turns and his insistence that they take a detour down every cool-looking road in Oregon, there’s a high chance they won’t make it down the docks by sunrise, and there’s definitely no way they’re going to make it back to campus in time for first period. The former potential valedictorian in her is screaming, but Max can’t hear her over the sound of the terrible Dad pop-rock blasting through the stereo. She’s sure Grey will be DEVASTATED about missing french class with his very favorite teacher, but she swears that the euphoria of his first time watching the sunrise on a port is going to make up for it.

They miraculously make it to the beach when their antsy sun is just peeping and they make a mad dash to get to the coveted VIP seats before they miss any more crucial sunrise action. Grey’s legs are longer, and it’s hard for her to run while wrapped up in blankets to protect her from the cold, but when that salty sea smell splashes against her face she forgets what carnations even smell like, and suddenly she has the burst of energy she needs to outrun him and lead the way to the very end of the dock.

They station themselves hurriedly but efficiently, with two blankets each, feet kicking off the edge, sat just close enough to share platonic body heat only, bag o’ trail mix locked into position in the space between their thighs, faces huddled over their espressos with way too much cream and not nearly enough of the caffeine required for this adventure, but every factor of this situation combined makes Max feel alive for the first time since she died. There’s nothing on this pier but them and the view, and in a way that only seems to happen in Grey’s presence, time stands still, and all day-to-day weights and permanent baggage feel suspended. She’s free– and happy. Too happy to remember that they’re both exhausted in every physical and spiritual sense of the word.

In bliss, she gets to talking about how long it’s been since she’s done this, and then she starts yapping about anything else that comes to mind here. She reminisces about the days when her life was low-tide tranquil, tells him childhood stories no one in the world could possibly care about– about how she used to go fishing with her dad every Saturday morning, except then they had to stop when she became a vegetarian in the sixth grade and felt too bad for the fish, so then they would go for strolls along the shore and pick up sea glass, and sometimes she would take her cat for walks on the docks at sunset, and everyone thought it was so silly, because you don’t walk a cat, but Max’s cat is so special and didn’t even need a leash, and Max thought she was so special when she would sneak out at night to have bonfires in the dirt clearing of the woods by the port, and one night they took her friend’s dad’s boat out, and that’s when she decided she wants to get a compass tattoo right here on her hip so you can see it when she’s wearing a bikini… and this goes on and on, and Grey– ever the trooper– does an incredible job acting like he doesn’t want to push her into the icy water to make her top.

Eventually she quiets down on her own and lets him take in the real ambiance they came here for: tranquilizing water and fiery pastel glows creeping across the sky. …All in all, it’s probably not that fantastic to a guy like Grey; it’s nothing the world hasn’t seen on every preset computer desktop wallpaper or in the uninspired paintings cluttering every rich white aunt’s walls. It’s just a sunrise. It happens everyday. The mysticism is in the eye of the beholder, and maybe Max’s eyes only finds it fascinating because her life has always been so equally uninteresting.

But the boy next to her– he seems too rock and roll for this. He’s the boy who raises his own hell as opposed to watching it. He’s the world wonder that’s waking up in wild places and droppin water balloons off of the school roof. He’s his own sunset. And when he can’t stifle his yawns anymore, Max wonders if the whole trip she spent hyping the Great Pacific Northwest Aurora may have doomed him for disappointment. Her eyes sink low in shame, but light right back up when she catches glimpse of a JELLYFISH close to the surface of the water on her side of the dock, and she grabs his arm with a gasp.

“ Look at this cute jelly !! ”

Max doesn’t turn to face him, because her eyes are fixated on this stupid sea-bag like it’s the most incredible thing she’s ever seen and the very spectacle of it is going to make the last agonizing three hours he’s spent with her all worthwhile. Grey leans into her to get a closer look without having to move– rests his chin on her shoulder. She starts listing off jellyfish trivia to keep him interested, and then she explains that she knows this stuff because she did a research paper on jellyfish once, but she doesn’t know why she picked jellyfish because her favorite animals are seahorses… And then she stops herself before she rambles again; she takes a pause and gives him the opening for a sly dig at her motor mouth or jelly-themed quip. She listens for it, but all she hears is a light nasally hum.

The boy is s n o o z i n g .

…Well, maybe he’s earned it, after suffering her all morning. And they’re already showing up late to class– they may as well hang out here until they’re sure the same security guard won’t be at the post to ask what took them so long. So she turns her body forward and makes sure his head tilts out to face the water straight in front of them, slooowly readjusts the blankets until they’re tucked in as one unified burrito with windchill protection on all sides, and she even lets Sleeping Beauty continue using her shoulder as a pillow, on the condition that she can lean her own head on his in return.

She soaks in this position for a while, listening to his little hum harmonize with the rustle of tiny waves as high tide comes in, and it’s so peaceful, it’s so peaceful, she’s not thinking about stalkers or death here. She’s not thinking about anything but the way the movement their breathing chests are so in sync with the still water’s gentle sway, and how their bodies fit together so organically even when they just fell into each other so thoughtlessly.

And then she thinks: this is how lovebirds cuddle.

Not Valentine’s Day lovebirds, but literal, winged lovebirds. Like the pair in Hitchcock’s The Birds. –-Intrusive thoughts like this one, comparing her life to horror flicks, are always daunting her peace of mind, but she’s okay with this one. In the movie, the two lovebirds are the only living creatures that inexplicably manage to stay sane while the whole world around them, human and avian, goes berserk.

( Maybe because they had each other to weather the entropy together. )

When the sunlight comes in full, Max can see her breath dancing with Grey’s in the icy December air, but she feels snug and toasty. It’s like in this place all their own, they are without bother, discomfort, inhibition. No creeps or killers or pasts or futures can come hurt them in this haven. And now she finally falls asleep, with cheek nestled into a pillow of fluffy hair.

They’re safe here.

#they're good kids #( inbox game responses.)#greycaverly #enjoy this fluff because from here it's angst all the way down #speaking of which i dare you to ruin this soft gentle moment by making the nightmare prompt a continuation of this #【 ☸┋YOU TOLD ME ABOUT NOWHERE ; WELL IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEPLACE I'D LIKE TO GO.】⌜re: grey caverly.⌟#i felt like they needed something Big to lead up to how he felt when he was dancing with her at the formal so here's some twee shit #if you want to make it taste less saccharine consider: she probably drooled a lil bit in his hair #when she fell asleep #but im sure he has enough hair to absorb it

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