#so I saw the online doctors AGAIN and this time had to explicitly explain that I cannot fly in this condition

[boyapologist]

called in sick for work for the first time today and I feel so fucking guilty

[creativeashproductions]

Lamentable // Archie Andrews

Summary: After graduation you move in with Archie to begin your life together when something halts it in a way you didn’t expect. Determined to stay with you Archie cares for you in both bad and good times. Besides it’s always nice to have Fred as another father.

Characters: Archie Andrews x Reader, Fred Andrews, Betty Cooper, Veronica Lodge, Jughead Jones, Hermione Lodge, Kevin Keller and Josie McCoy

Words: 2688

Disclaimer: I do now own Riverdale or the characters. I do not own any gifs that appear in this either or images because they’re probably off google images.

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, puking, cancer, and a little fluff

Author: Caitsy

A/N: I didn’t explicitly say what kind of cancer it was because I’ve never had cancer nor has anyone close to me had it. I’m not a doctor so I entirely researched on it plus I’m Canadian so American health system isn’t something I think about often.

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It was a never ending cycle of hope and disappointment when you first went to the doctor about your medical problem. It hurt more when you were diagnosed with early onset cancer and your chances of kids with your boyfriend Archie were slim to none. It hurt when you were told that and it hurt more when you had to tell Archie. How does one tell their significant other than they were dying?

It was only one year since you graduated high school and got into college. You were interning at a good company while Archie was working with his father to earn more money for school. It was something you had both talked about, while you interned and went to school Archie would work at the family company and still do music.

Compromise. A wonderful thing when you do it right.

Archie noticed that you were being exceptionally quiet during supper leading him to hound you for answers.

“Seriously what’s going on?” Archie demanded placing his fork down beside the meal.


“Nothing.” You shifted pushing your mashed potatoes around the plate unsure how to tell him.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I went to the doctor a week ago for blood work because I was feeling sick.”

“I know. I told you to go.” Archie replied leaning back into your chair.

“I was called in yesterday to go over the results. Arch, it’s bad. Really bad.” You bit your lip remember how terrible it was go from seeing a bright future to a bleak unknown black hole of a future.

“We’ll get through it. We’ve gotten through worse babe.”

You pushed your plate back standing up to move towards Archie’s side of the table to sit on his lap. His eyes scanned your face taking note of the slight loss of weight you had ever since you had the flu three weeks ago. You had bags under your eyes peaking through the makeup under each eye.

“No. Archie nothing is worse than this.” You whispered leaning into his touch when his arms circled your waist, “I have cancer Archie.”

“How long have you know.” He whispered taken aback.

“Yesterday afternoon. I’ve been going over the conversation and what’s going to happen. You should leave me Archie, I’m going to be an empty shell of the woman you’ve seen since we were kids.”

“I don’t ever leave you because you’re sick.”

“I’m going to go through hell Archie if I decide to treat it. There will be months maybe ever years of radiation, chemo and pills. I will waste away as it goes on, I will be a hairless ugly mole rat on the cusp of death.” You harshly told him, “I don’t want you to have the image of me. I want you to remember me as healthy.”

“Y/N Y/L/N, nothing you say will make me leave you.” Archie sweetly replied brushing your grown out hair out of the way, “If you lose your hair I will shave mine off.”

“But I love your hair.”

“I love you more than something I can grow back again.” Archie said, “Now eat because I need you to be strong through this.”

You pressed a lingering kiss to his lips before grabbing your plate to sit closer to the man you loved with all your heart. You pushed back the nausea to eat smiling down at you plate when Archie’s foot curled around  your leg.

“I’ll do it.”

“Do what?”

“I’ll do treatment for you.” You chirped before slowly making your way through your dinner lost in thought of what would begin soon enough.

You saw countless doctors over the next month at each doctors appointment that Archie would come to with you. Excuse after excuse would be fed to your friends and family in the dark time your were going through even as they got more and more suspicious. Chemo began quickly with firstly using your arm and it sucked.

You took your college classes online via video feed and stopped your interning. You were too tired to leave the apartment. You no longer hung out with your friends in the evenings, you avoided public places in fear of infection. Soon enough people started demanding answers. When your hair began to fall out you decided it was time.

Everyone came to Archie’s childhood home, barring anyone ill, when you requested to see them. You were stationed on the couch under a blanket with a bucket on the ground. The chemo made you vomit multiple times and you had no appetite anymore.

“Babe. Wake up.” Archie whispered kissing your cheek. You shifted coming out of your sleep when he came into view, “They’re here. I saw the vehicles. Dad’s back from work too.”

“Okay.” You yawned slowly moving to sit up against the arm of the couch. People trickled in behind Fred to sit on the open spaced.

“Hey.” You drowsily treated everyone covering your mouth when you yawned.

“Long time no see.” Jughead teased sitting next to Betty on the ground, “Why are we here exactly? Why aren’t we at your place?”

“Larger space here.” Archie replied grabbing your cold hand, “We have some news.”

“Okay?” Veronica trailed off confused.



“I’m sure you’ve noticed I’ve been skipping hangouts and when I do I tend to fall asleep on Archie’s shoulder or I look tired.” You started, “You’ve noticed I wear sweaters more often and warm clothing. It’s because of this.”

You pushed your sleeve up for them to see the taped down IV in your arm that was unlike anything they had seen. Jughead took note of how skinny you had become, how tired both Archie and you looked like, the paleness of your skin, the bucket beside your side and covered in a blanket. He slowly put the facts together just as you spoke.

“It’s cancer.” Your voice break as tears began to skin over your cheeks.

In sync everyone grabbed someone’s hand pressing a hand to their mouth and cried for you. It was unlike anything you had seen. It was both heartbreaking and beautiful to watch how much you were loved. Archie slowly took your hat off to show the thinning hair you had developed.

“How long have you had it.” Veronica cried reaching out to grab your hand before pulling back unsure if it was okay to do so.

“A little over a month.” You admitted, “I had the flu and I got better for a week before I began throwing up. I thought I was pregnant so I went to the doctor. I wasn’t pregnant and I got the diagnosis.”

“What’s being done?” Betty asked rubbing her cheeks with her blue lightweight sweater sleeve. It was your favourite sweater she owned.

“I’m doing chemotherapy at the moment. We’ll be doing radiation next. My doctor is optimistic about it.” You explained coughing in your sleeve.


“How much money is it?” Veronica interjected concerned.

“Veronica!” Betty exclaimed, “You don’t ask people that!”

“A lot of money.” Archie sighed, “It’s taking longer than we wanted to find finances for it.”

“Daddy will write you a check. He loves Y/N like another daughter. No arguments.”

“Whatever.” You grunted making a face, “Archie can you help me to the bathroom?”

Archie was pushed to sit back down as Betty urgently brought you towards the bathroom just before collapsed on to the ground in front of the toilet. Veronica back followed behind to lock the door and lean against it. She watched disgusted as you shook from the force of your throw up. It hadn’t hit her until she really took in your appearance.

“You okay?” Betty asked rubbing your back and you heaved yourself against the wall, “Didn’t you have a bucket in the living room?”

“It’s rude to puke in front of so many people.” You groaned as Veronica handed you the spare toothbrush you kept in the bathroom when Archie and you stayed over at his childhood home. You took care to scrub the vomit taste from your mouth before you returned to the living room.

Everyone avoided your eyes as you collapsed onto the couch with a deep sigh and noticed your were sweating from the exertion. Archie retook your hand in his as you settled into your seat. Fred sat on your other side offering his support in your fight.

“I’m sorry you got handed this hand.” Fred softly told you. You smiled in response before Archie pulled you off the couch with your items.

“We should get home. We have to be at the hospital tomorrow for an appointment.” Archie said as he helped you into your jacket, “Also Veronica. Don’t pay for it please, we’ll find out a way.”

“Sure.” Veronica said with a small smirk you didn’t see with you backs to her. The minute you were out the door she turned to everyone, “I’m so paying for the treatment.”

Fred normally would argue but in such a sensitive time he was more than happy to help pay but with the machinery he had to buy in the last year money was tight. It seemed the last few years weren’t going well. Starting with the year that Jason was murdered. It seemed Riverdale was a never ending town of misery.

“Out of everyone she was the one to get cancer. It should have been Cheryl.” Jughead huffed picking up his bag from the ground.


“Juggie nobody deserves cancer.” Betty soothed rubbing his shoulder.

“I hate the Blossoms just as much as you do Jughead but Betty’s right.” Fred said from his seat.

“Oh I’m sorry did the scum family wrongly get your father imprisoned for murder?” Jughead spat gripping the bag harder, “I have to get to Pops. I have a shift and I’d like to get another chapter in first.”

In a huff of black and angst he fled the house into the afternoon light with Betty on his heels aiming to soothe his emotional wounds once more. Veronica took a glance at the house of the boy she had dated for a year before she shared a smile with Fred.

“It’s nice your doing that.” Fred said, “I know you love Archie.”

“Loved Mr. Andrews.” Veronica smiled, “Archie and I had a wonderful time together but we weren’t meant to be like he and Y/N are.”

“I guess they were startgame.” Fred fondly spoke getting a giggle from the young woman.

“It’s endgame Mr. Andrews.” Veronica chuckled joining Kevin at the door with Josie in tow. She waved before walking into the sunny light mind set on designing a dress for her friend.

Stuck in a hospital bed was not something you wanted around Christmas. You had gotten sick at your parents house when they felt the window open for the frigid air to come in. You were rushed by ambulance to the hospital in the city of Chicago for better treatment. You hands were curled around the warmth in your hands.

“It was getting thin but I didn’t think this would happen.” You cried looking up at Betty and Veronica. Jughead had dragged Archie out for a night together despite protesting leaving you.

“You’re still beautiful.” Veronica whispered rubbing your cheek with her hand.

“I look like a bad cosplayed Professor X!” You exclaimed looking up at them, “I want it gone.”


“We all want it g-“

“No I want my hair gone.” You sniffled watching as they shared looks before Betty went out to talk to a nurse, “I’m not pretty.”

“You are gorgeous.” Veronica sternly said looking at her watch, “Oh god. I’m late for lunch with Daddy. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

You mumbled a goodbye as Veronica fled the room leaving you alone with your hair in your hands. You were tired of everything. You were tired of causing Archie to not sleep. You were tired of Archie crying when he thought you were sleeping and you hated he only sang sad songs now. You wanted it over.

“Hey.” Betty whispered with a nurse by her side. The nurse holding a closed case in her hands. They helped you into the bathroom where the nurse handed you an electric razor.

It was therapeutic as you shaved off what you should reach before you handed it to Betty with a smile. You trusted Betty and there wasn’t anyone else you would want to finish the job, you both cried together until you were ushered back to bed.

“Knock knock!” Veronica called from the doorway with her mother behind her.

“I thought you had lunch?”

“I may have told a white lie…” Veronica trailed off walking in with things in her hands.

“Ronnie told me you were feeling down on yourself and she came to me.” Hermione said taking a seat next to your bed, “I pulled a few strings and we got some things shipped with a well known friend of ours. Pierce Jacobs is a beauty specialist with a background of celebrity makeup, hair and fashion.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“We didn’t.” Veronica grinned, “Pierce gave Betty and me tips to do so we can make it more personal.”

Together they unpacked a box filled with countless makeup and even head wraps of different designs and colours. A dress cover was situated in the corner before they began to work on you.

“I’ve always loved your eyes.” Betty smiled taking the time to apply primer to your face before putting eye shadow primer on your lids.

Veronica carefully chose the colours for your eye makeup just as Betty finished with a grin. The time was filled with gossip like it was back in high school during sleepovers. It was much different being in a hospital room in Chicago but it worked because you were surrounded by people you loved.

The dress of something you wouldn’t normally wear but you loved it to bits from the design to the colour of choice. It wasn’t incredibly long but it was too short either and it covered the IV from prying eyes. You decided on the head scarf with Hermione’s help before the door to your room was swung open.

The dropping of something made you turn to see Archie standing in the door way with a shock for you. Fred was bald like completely hairless on his head. Your jaw dropped as you saw Archie shifting on his feet.

“I knew you were going to shave your head sometime.” Fred informed you, “I thought we could be cute Sphinx cats together.”

“I was going to but Dad didn’t let me.”

“I love your red hair.” You mumbled stepping forward to run your hands through his hair with a small smile. There was something about Archie that made you feel alive ever since you realized how you really felt about him.

You however didn’t notice when everybody tricked out of the room leaving you two alone in your hospital room. You missed him at nights when visiting hours ended and you were left alone unable to sleep. 
“I love you.” Archie mumbled his lips lingering on your forehead. You weren’t sure how late it was but you were tired and not looking forward to tomorrow’s chemo. It was your last before you had an appointment with your oncologist.

Sighing with you eyes closed you danced in your room to the sound of silence, well when someone’s heart monitor wasn’t beeping.

“Someone died this morning.” You whispered.

“Let’s not talk about that.” Archie said slowly twirling you every one in a while until he stopped where he needed to be.

“I can’t help but think when I’m going to be next.”

“Not until we’re grey and old.” Archie whispered removing his hands from your waist. Confused you opened your eyes to see that Archie was now on his knee with a beautiful ring, “Will you marry me?”

“Yes.” You cried jumping into his arms.

“I told you I’m in for the long run.” Archie murmured against your hair, “It’s a plus that I’ll get to stay with you at night also.”

“I love you Archie.”

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[sootonthecarpet]

if it's not too much trouble to answer, can I ask what's been the going on with doctor who that's bad? I've seen little bits of it when my parents watch it in the other room but not enough to really get a good sense of it?

heyyy sorry to keep ya waiting on this. i tried to keep this as short as i could, but it’s about five paragraphs long, sorry. it’s not in any way a comprehensive list of problems with the last few seasons, just a quick tour of the moments i shouldve let be my ‘i can’t keep watching after this’ point. i wanted to write it objectively but i got pretty aggro, bc this show that in some part i genuinely adore has been producing unforgivably bigoted content. (it’s kinda a ship of theseus situation, except where the parts of the ship were replaced with worse, shittier, fake-woke parts.) i ask ppl to avoid reblogging this, because i don’t want my words to contribute in any way to online buzz surrounding this show or make anyone want to see it, even if ONLY to hatewatch or criticize.

content warning for misogynoir/antiblackness, racism, bury ur gays, some shit with nazi germany (yeah lol) and just the slightest kiss of antisemitism.

(edit: i seem to be having some problems with the read more cut. it’s there on dash view and when i edit the post, but doesn’t show on some instances of my blog. i can’t fix this but gksfkgls. wanted to at least be overt that i wouldn’t post this kinda long ranty stuff without a cut.)

in the last season where peter capaldi was the doctor, two seasons ago now, he had a new companion, Bill. she was a black lesbian and literally the only reason i started watching doctor who again. i loved her, and i was really glad to see the show moving back towards the more diverse cast of characters that we saw in the late aughts. then the season had a repeated theme of FORCING her to either repress or not feel her emotions. there are two scenes that stand out most to me. in an ep set in like, early 19th century london, she and the doctor are talking to a racist rich white dude who is being super nasty to Bill. the doctor keeps telling her to cool it and not show how angry she is. then HE gets to punch the guy out and knock him to the floor.

this theme of the white man being the only one allowed to get angry was big all season, iirc. then at the end of the season, Bill is turned into a cyberman. they’re usually like. soulless scary automatons, but some characters keep their individuality, which has been explored in a few past seasons, usually leading up to a tragic/heroic death. in Bill’s case, they did this trick with filming where we could see her perspective of herself in some shots–an intensely emotional performance, Bill was completely traumatized and her actress was working her ass off–and in others, just this metal body incapable of expression, scaring people like she was a monster and monotoning these otherwise very emotional statements. it’s an interesting narrative device, but after a whole season of this show putting Bill through all kinds of terrible shit and forcing her not to show her feelings on the matter, it hit me as like. this nauseating exaggeration of how society treats actual black lesbians as monsters and tries to make them bottle up their emotions and especially their justifiable anger. anyway, then Bill died and got to be with her dead girlfriend from her first episode. wow, cool.

idk what made me watch the season after that. i guess i wanted to see the new doctor, and i liked her companions (one was like. a young man with disabling neurological symptoms, tbh even if i’d missed Bill’s season that might have had me back on board). i had plenty of problems with how the season played out, obvs, but nothing was standout horrible to me the way the shit with Bill had been (except maybe the episode that started out like ‘space amazon is a hellhole’ and somehow ended with ‘space amazon was taken advantage of by a broken AI that hurt some people and they didnt fix the infrastructure we explicitly showed harmed their workers but now it’s fine!’ if that sounds weird and heavy handed with an unsatisfying ending, it’s because it was). the new season tho? the OPENING EPISODES OF THE NEW SEASON, THO? it opens with alexa product placement, in an episode about how a fictionalized google was actually run by a black man who had ties to a large number of aliens who had secretly infiltrated our society, altered our dna, and shit like that. so uh, 1. brand war lmao, sellouts etc etc 2. y’all remember those conspiracy theories about jews? and white supremacist beliefs that black people are ruining the world but aren’t smart enough to do it on their own so they must be agents of jewish corruption? HUH. HUH! that’s not even my big problem with the fuckin thing, but it’s FOR SURE a suspicious writing move from a tv show with suuuuch a huge viewership. (and it’s just plain embarrassing for a show with alexa product placement to try to go all scary panopticon tropes specifically @ a google analogue.)

anyway, we run into an old recurring antagonist, the master, a time lord like the doctor. he’s a guy again after having been a woman for a few seasons, and now played by an actor of color. i figure the reasoning at least partly relied on “dude, how fucked up will it be if we force the doctor’s black friend to call a white dude master” but i was immediately afraid it might go to the like…. Righteous White Woman Gets The Better Of Evil Brown Man tropes and oh boy!!!! i tried to be good and give it the benefit of the doubt until i saw something racist but it wasted no time. the doctor got stuck in the past at one point, and met the master, who was currently a military official with the third reich. oh boy. so she asks him why they let him work with them and he explains he’s using a device to psychically disguise himself, they see him as white. (we missed a great chance for him to monologue about how they were willing to bend their morals when they saw how evil he could get or something.) this was awkward enough for me as a viewer, but i wasn’t prepared to go into it, in case there was some tiny shred of nuance somewhere that would make this situation anything but a clusterfuck.

well, the doctor executes a genuinely clever scheme and makes a radio transmission to the brits that she knows won’t reach em, talking about how helpful this officer has been–setting up the master to be falsely outed as a double agent when the nazis intercept it. she tells the master this and then skedaddles, letting him be arrested by his own men. could be a satisfying karmic victory where he presumably gets a military trial and weasels out of his fate, although i don’t like the implications of a white woman punishing a brown man for racism. BUT IT DIDN’T STOP THERE! she disables his psychic filter, causing his men to see his true identity as a man of color–she exposes her oldest frenemy and Basically The Only Time Lord Who’ll Talk To Her to nazi racism when he was ALREADY about to fall into their hands as a prisoner. what could have been a marginally satisfying defeat was instead a kind of emotional horrorshow for me as i had to stop and wonder what kind of hell they’d put him through and why the writers decided that the doctor (who has literally since the show began in like the sixties been set up as an enemy of naziism via allegory and has always been firm in the idea that NOBODY, including literal maneating space monsters, deserves to be treated as less than human) would DO that. IT’S LATER IMPLIED HE ESCAPED FROM A CONCENTRATION CAMP. the narrative DOES NOT allow time for that to sink in before moving on.

i dont have a conclusion 2 this. im just hurt as fuck about it. i hope i gave u the info u were looking for without getting too deep into my personal feelings, but it’s difficult, maybe impossible to be objective about stuff like this.

[coachjukeboxx]

I’m a pregnant roller derby athlete
 Part Two: the “Secret” struggle

Part two of my pregnancy blog is going to cover another tricky topic with pregnancy- disclosure.  This is a difficult time for any pregnant person, but I think it’s especially difficult in a contact sport setting. Keeping secrets like this is tough, but being in a context where you are so easily “outed” by lack of contact while still being present makes this an especially difficult time for a pregnant skater.

I’ll give you a little background in case you don’t know much about the first trimester. Basically the risk of miscarriage for the first 12 weeks while the placenta forms is pretty high. Every week it get’s less likely, but it could still very well happen even at 10 weeks onwards. That’s why the general advice is to not tell the world about your pregnancy until 3 months into it, in case you end up miscarrying. More often than not, miscarriage is due to the fetus not forming correctly, and there’s not anything you could have done to change it. This situation of uncontrollable miscarriage lends itself to me feeling the most powerless I’ve ever felt.  Besides that, I’m terrible at keeping secrets and lying, so this was a stressful time for me. The way I went about it was basically letting people know on these parameters.

I was ok with them knowing about me potentially grieving about a miscarriage

That I would be in a position to have to regularly lie to (i.e. my teammates and leadership).

I told the 2016 team immediately. I needed support and it was important for them to know why I’d be bowing out of Anarchy. At this point the new 2017 team had not yet been selected. I was still playing and so I decided since I didn’t know the newer skaters yet, to hold off on telling them my news.  During this time, for the most part, life went on as usual for a few weeks. At around the time when I was 8+ weeks along, we had an upcoming goals meeting on the calendar. I was getting to the point I had decided to stop skating. I thought that since Balls was unavailable for Champs (my due date is Oct 31) this meeting might  be a good time to let the rest of the team know, with the caveat of *THIS IS NOT TO LEAVE THIS ROOM.  I hemmed and hawed about it for a while. We hadn’t even told our own parents yet. I did not feel confident about #1 of my parameters with such new people, but I felt like it would inform the goals discussion for the team. I made my choice with the team in mind even though I felt nerves about it.

This choice to share despite nerves about it, resulted in a number of situations that peeked suspicions/ leaked information outside of my “circle of trust”.  

I want to say, I know that the people that ended up being nosy or sharing info didn’t have harmful intentions. They are my friends, and I have talked to them frankly about this, and amends have been made.  But this is a topic we HAVE to talk about. This is not a cavalier thing, and it’s very often treated as such. The baby that was forming inside my body and fears I was having in my heart made me feel more vulnerable than I have ever felt in my life. I was not ready for just any person to know about it if it didn’t go as planned. It is an EXTREMELY SENSITIVE time, not to mention the hormones… oh the hormones.

I want to share this experience so that we can learn how to support your potentially pregnant leaguemates, instead of making them feel like I did. In about the course of 1-2 weeks of telling the new team, a series of events happened that made me more hurt and than I can remember in a long time.

At the meeting I definitely said the info was not to leave that room very explicitly, but I was really nervous and emotional telling the new members of the team. I fumbled through all the things I was planning on saying and got it out there.  Within a week of that meeting, two separate of my teammate’s significant others congratulated Balls when they saw him in person. I did NOT TELL THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. And honestly, I knew some leaking was bound to happen, that was not the worst part about it. Under NO circumstance should they have disclosed to Balls that they knew. I was 9 weeks pregnant. One of my good friends had recently miscarried at 10 weeks.  The fact that I knew that they knew, tore me apart. I had the knowledge that these SOs, that I was not at all close with, would potentially know if I had a miscarriage. I felt so betrayed. I did what I thought was best for the team, and it backfired. I cried.

A concurrent situation was also in the works.  Leadership was now able to send out some call outs to try and find additional bench staff. Some call outs were sent to past players and potential candidates the team knew well. At this point, they were hoping to get someone to gain some experience and help out at Anarchy, in addition to needing someone to fill in for Balls at champs. They made up some “Family commitment” he couldn’t get out of as the reason. This raised suspicion for some candidates- what could possibly Ball’s be missing Champs for?

And the rumor mill started. I had teammates let me know that one of the candidates had been asking around and grilling the current team about if I was pregnant.  Not just once, not just twice, but multiple different people, on different occasions with series of questions. Now this person is a friend of mine, but again, I was still just not ready to disclose unless it was necessary. It is so unfair to force people to lie or tell you what is going on in their uterus. This cavalier line of questioning in order to satisfy nosiness needs to end. I  am not uncomfortable with vulnerability, but this felt so different. The lightheartedness with which my biggest fears were being treated made me so upset. My worries were reduced to juicy gossip. I cried some more. 

Balls ended up disclosing to that person for a number of reasons: explaining the bench situation, they were our friend, but also make the rumor mill stop. Now that they knew, they were obviously sworn to secrecy themselves and would never tell someone else. I did trust that they wouldn’t tell, but it sucked so badly they felt an urge to be in that circle that they forced our hand. I felt relief that hopefully I could fly under the radar for a week and a half longer until I had my scan.

At this point I was still really worried about miscarriage because the closer you get to that scan, the more real it all seems. Before that point some days you feel so emotional and pregnant, other days you wonder if this is really happening. Literally when you first find you’re pregnant, they don’t do extra tests at the doctor. It’s just like, “oh the stick is right! Here you go take your vitamins. See you in 2 months”  My scan was set for the Thursday before Anarchy and it was only 1 week away.

Another LRG league mate had noticed I was attending training, but not skating. They were in the know about the call outs for bench, and so they decided that I must be pregnant. They asked around to a couple of my teammates / friends but no one confirmed my news for them. A few days before my scan, they sent me a message online with only the words “how many weeks”.

At this point, I’d had it. I was no longer sad about it. I was irate, the gall to tell someone that they were pregnant and confront them about it. My choices were to lie, to disclose or ignore it. I decided to lie  and say I had an injury, but to also angrily tell her how inappropriate it is to put anyone in that position. It is NOT an innocent request, even if the intentions aren’t nefarious. A few days later I had my scan and I told her I was in fact pregnant and didn’t have a shoulder injury. Gah, SO awkward.

Once I had my scan, everything checked out, and I felt so much relief and joy! This thing in me was real. It was there and I had a photo of it. It was so weird and great to hear the sonographer say “there’s one baby in there”. And then all the tests to come back in the clear. The scan was a huge turning point for me, both in connection to my pregnancy and being out of that terrible anxiety-ridden time of forced disclosure.  

I didn’t write about this experience to call out my friends. Seriously all is forgiven and moved on from. It’s one of the harder things I’ve been through, and I think it was so hard because I was hurt by choices of people that ARE my friends. I don’t think they meant to hurt me, but I was in fact, very very hurt. I write about this experience because now that I have been through it, I will certainly treat it differently when I’m on the non pregnant side. So without further ado, I leave you with some advice on how to navigate and support your friends and teammates.

My advice to you:

If you hear the news with everyone else

Don’t tell them, “I totally knew it!” - this also feels shitty... it feels gossipy and that I did a bad job of hiding it. Either way, it didn’t feel good like “congrats!”

If you know someone is pregnant but has not yet told the world

Don’t share news that is not yours to share. Telling people is one of the most fun parts and it sucks not to get to do it first hand.

If you do share the news inappropriately, make sure they don’t find out about it. It matters!

If you think someone might be pregnant

Keep it to yourself.

Don’t ask others and start a rumor / widen the circle of suspicion.

Don’t ever force someone to disclose or lie by asking them directly. Basically don’t put baby in a corner. 

Thanks for hearing me out. These two blogs were the first big sort of hard issues I went through and it took me some time to get my thoughts written down. I’m hoping to write more regularly and in shorter segments about some other topics, (hopefully more as they happen instead of in such hindsight!). Next up is Part three: a new team role.