#so I imagine sometimes their language barriers cause some confusion

[wool-string]

Oc comic of them meeting

[running-with-kn1ves]

MASKED INTRUDER PT 3 I BEGGGGG, ugh, clingy inexperienced yandere + language barrier + overeager and aggressive + needy needy needy, He is perfect! Honestly i had a spiral and came straight here to read my comfort fics and i forgot how much i loved that one 🥺 leooooo

A/N: Still not sure what I should do about Leo's origins; I've had some thoughts but nothing really planned out. Anyway thank you lots anon!

Here's Pt. 1 and Pt. 2 Word count: 2400

TW: Possessiveness, jealousy, threats of murder, razor blades, average creepy dude living in your walls behavior

Synopsis: An unexpected guest comes over, causing chaos to ensue.

The sensation of soap under your fingernails and warm water running down your forearms was one of comfort that you openly welcomed. You couldn't remember the last time you took a bath, and you could hardly count this bathing of your 'roommate' as a bath of your own.

But with your shirt soaked and your forehead damp, you finally had what could be mildly considered a clean version of Leo.

He begrudgingly sat on the cool tile floor, allowing you to ruffle his hair with a bath towel (which was really a poor attempt to manage the mess of loose, lengthy curls on his scalp.) He needed a haircut for sure, but you couldn't muster up the courage to put the scissors to his head. 

Getting him out of the house to an haircut appointment would never happen. To say he was agoraphobic was a complete understatement-- he abhorred the outside world. You sometimes think about what would've happened If you hadn't taken pity on him, allowing him to continue to find refuge in your tiny home. Or, was it perhaps he was allowing you? Until, he found that you wouldn't suffice as a worthy roomate any longer, disposing of you like he could've done to whoever originally owned this home. The mystery surrounding his origin that he seemed to completely ignore answering on still made you… cautious.  

He still felt like an extension of the house; the smell of its creaky, rotting walls, still always clinging to him-- even now, after you scrubbed him down from head to toe twice. 

You grunted as you roughly tugged his head back and forth to rub the remaining water away. Unfortunately, that left you with a frizzy Leo with more hair spun out of control than you knew what to do with. 

He blindly searched for the towel behind him without turning his head, yanking it away when he felt it in his fingers. 

"Do it myself…" he mumbled croakily, like a rusted music box. 

"Alright." You said, slightly offended. You held your hands in front of you dramatically, watching Leo wrap himself with the towel.

He looked so frail like this, on the bathroom floor with his knees pulled up to his chest. His scrawny frame hardly gave him any weight either, even if he was above six foot. You wondered if he really could hurt you, if-- he ever had the urge, to stab you with the rusty razor blade you watched him grip after he came out of the walls once company left. 

How long would it be? Until he snapped,  until one argument was just too much, and you were no longer his favorite person in the world. Tonight was one of those nights, where you imagined yourself bleeding out on the floor, Leo standing above you with that blade, or perhaps a knife from the kitchen-- the one you noticed had gone missing a few days prior.

Your fear wasn't out of place despite how many times you tried to rationalize how stupid it was. 

Several hours earlier, before Leo was as clean as he was now, you had a guest over. 

It was an old university friend, a guy you met in your first year during some odd end prerequisite or math class-- You couldn't remember. But it didn't matter, at least not to Leo. 

The moment the "intruder" sat down, you heard Leo's presence shift behind him. You could see his black eyes peering in and out of the holes in the dining room, sounds of his sporadic shuffling echoing throughout the house. You cringed everytime your friend looked up and around himself in confusion, curious of the noise. 

"It's just rats," you cover, kicking the wall behind you with a force that should've knocked down the drywall. The sound of Leo letting out a thump of retaliation nearly made your smile crack.

 You had rescued your university pal several times over the course of that night, finding the dead bugs in his drink before he could've noticed, and shutting Leo back into his hiding spots anytime you saw his hand or leg peek through, when he occasionally got the courage to try and dispose of the 'threat.'

It wasn't until your guest had asked to use the bathroom however, that Leo managed to gain a win. Cursing and yelling from the locked door made you panic, the few minutes of silence in the living room having seemingly tricked you of peace. You should’ve known that silence never meant a good thing. 

Sprinting to the bathroom, you got there in time to find your old friend covered head to do in dust and dirt, the bathroom vent still emitting a cloud of grey. Dust fell from the vent, spraying with the blow of the air conditioning. 

"Stop!" You screamed, kicking the back of the bathroom wall multiple times in retaliation. The dust immediately lessened, flecks still falling into your hair. You grunted and cursed, seeing the disaster your bathroom had become and the filth your friend was left in. 

It was safe to say you escorted him quickly out thereafter, blaming the “malfunction” on your worse for wear vent ducts. His confused expression lingered as you walked him out the door. Your horrible cover ups had you questioning whether or not he was convinced but thankfully there seemed to be some sort of unspoken understanding-- maybe he knew you had to be going through something from how odd your behavior was all night-- or maybe it was just misplaced pity.

 Either way, you were relieved to watch him exit the door with a washcloth you knew you’d never get back, telling him to be safe on his way home with a wry smile. 

Shutting that door was the biggest relief ever. The last person you'd want to know about your odd roomate situation was one of the few people in the world who had preconceived standards of you. 

You had never worried about Leo when you had groups of friends over; he never dared to leave from his hiding spot when more than one foreign person entered the house. But this time, it had been a single unknown entity, and a male one at that. You felt the realization hit you directly in the gut as your back laid against that cool wooden door, the sounds of Leo leaving one of his more trickier, less clean hiding spots echoing in the house.

"Leo?" You called out, a slight inflection of annoyance in your voice. 

You watched him crawl out of the large vent in your hallway, the metal grate coming off as two dirty hands forced it to the floor. Leo shimmied his way out of the tiny crawlspace, clouds of dirt coming with him as his legs finally came free. 

Scrambling up, the male blew dust out of his mouth, wobbly getting to his feet. With a sly glare and a satisfied expression, Leo looked towards to you silently; smugly. 

Pinching his ear and dragging him to the bathtub had been your first approach at reprimanding him; but it had done nothing to deter him. Leos silentness and resentful, pouting face left you to scold a brick wall, his rigidness extending to his body's heavy limbs and sluggish pace. 

Even now while slowly rubbing the towel back and forth on his scalp, his face turned away defiantly. 

A quiet moment passed as you watched him scrub himself dry. 

"I just… I don't understand why you have to act this way." 

Leo stopped. His head had been hanging low, thin wrists resting on his knees as water droplets rolled down the ends of his hair. His hand-me-down stretched pajamas covered his chest and thighs. You never thought an old pair of basketball shorts and a faded grey shirt would look so good on him, but you couldn't help to linger on his fingers and the curve of his neck muscles. 

Without warning Leo stood up, pushing off the ground with one hand as he held the towel loosely in the other. 

"What're you doing?" You question.

He wouldn't face you; his mask prosthetic was left on the edge of the tub, and without it-- well, it was impossible to make eye contact with him.

Leo reached for the light witch next to the shut bathroom door, flipping it without a word.

As soon as you saw him pull the light switch the color drained from your face. 

You didn't speak, waiting in the dark to see what Leo's next move would be. Maybe he hid that Razor blade somewhere in his clothes, and was aiming it at you right this second. 

"If you're gonna--"

"Shh." A voice hushed. 

The warmth of flesh was pressed against your lips. It was a finger; hot breath fanned above you,  the finger on your lips turning to a hand that cupped your cheek. Your face was held so securely, being tipped upwards as he stood leering above you. The bathroom was quiet save for the dripping of the bath pipe, and Leo's heavy breathing. 

Leo reached for you, awkwardly climbing atop your lap. He stumbled at first, but the way he curled his arms around your back, you felt like you couldn't let him go.

His nose nestled into the crook of your neck, crumpling into you like an animal looking for warmth. 

"I don't share…Don't like it.." he mumbled.

"What?"

"Things, my things.." He started, the sounds of his labored breaths hitting your ear. "Don't like it when… strangers touch… my things."

"Wai--Leo!" 

You couldn't help but search for his eyes in the dark, doing a happy little wiggle with him in your arms.

"Your voice has improved so much!" You beamed. He hadn’t spoken since the incident, and before that-- well, it took a lot to get him where he was.

“See, I knew pushing you would pay off.” You beamed, gloating in the feeling of success after remembering all the painful vocabulary lessons and hours of his stubborn behavior when you refused to answer his nonverbal pleads. 

Leo’s quietness as you pinched his ear beneath his fluff of loose curls gave you time to snap back to reality-- remembering the words he just spoke. Leo basked in the praise, gripping onto your damp shirt as he ignored your change in expression. 

The obvious possessiveness made you nearly cringe; this is exactly what you were trying to avoid. 

“But Leo, I’m not just yours- I’m everybody’s. There are other people my time has to be shared with--”

You were cut off with the flick of an all too familiar razor blade, twirling in Leos fingers.

“Then….I’ll kill them.” 

“....Kill?”

Leo leaned up, bringing his face closer to yours than he’d ever done before.

“I… wanna kill. Him. Kill….all of them..” His eyes were wide in the dark, and you could see the faint outline of the scars running down his face. You stared hard into his eyes, witnessing the fear and paranoia in them. “They’ll take.. You away. He will.” His throat was getting raspier, more raw. 

“Leo, you know you can’t say things like that..” You softened. He sounded so small, you could hardly believe his words. But in the back of your mind, alarm bells and bright red warning signs were going off. 

You reached for his face, hoping to hold it in your hands, feel the warmth of his skin. But Leo stopped you, holding your wrists. He rejected you from touching his face, again; had things truly changed? Had you made any progress with him?

And like clockwork, Leo reached for his mask, by the bathtub, sitting comfortably on your lap as he faced you. 

He adjusted the prosthetic on his face, resting it snugly as the back clipped. 

“You really wanna stop me from kissing you that badly?” You joked. 

But then the mask was lifted, just slightly, as Leos lips came closer for yours. Now that you brought the idea up, he wouldn’t let it go. 

“Kiss..” He mumbled, trying to reach for your face.

“Ah ah,” You waved a finger at him. “Don’t think I’m going soft after what you just said.” Leo let you push your two fingers against his lips, puckering them. “We’ve talked about this; what did I say?”

“Killing is….it is,” 

“It’s wrong, Leo.” 

“Its.. wrong.” He whined, bringing your other hand to his chest. He didn’t want it to be wrong, he wanted you to let him run wild and do what he knew he needed to do--”

“Promise me, Leo.” You pulled your hand slightly away. “Promise me you won’t.. Hurt anyone. Okay?”

He went quiet, letting a small grunt out as you kept pulling away the longer he stayed quiet. 

“Say it.”

“Fine… okay.” He croaked. 

You went limp and let him hold you close to him, his face leaning close as he looked for your approval. 

“Kiss..?” He mumbled again, following where your head turned to catch your lips. 

“Only because you’re finally being good..” You let him grab your chin like a cat pawing at you, his other hand nestled into your hair. “But you really don’t deserve this, especially after toni--”

You were cut off with a hungry lick, Leo’s mouth twisting against yours as the mask bumped against your nose. He lifted it just a bit higher, concealing only half of his face as he leaned deeper into you. His mouth was as warm as usual, but you could feel his warn down jealousy still through the rush of his lips.You wondered if you should really be rewarding him now after all he tried to pull. 

 A guttural purr released from his throat when he broke free from your mouth with a huff, running his hand down your back. He tried to pull your hair out of your face with his free hand, leaning for another kiss. 

“Wait Leo,” You put a hand in front of your lips, the other out with your palm up. “Give it to me first.”

Leo let out a dramatic sigh. He sat for a moment, stubbornly waiting to see if you’d really push him or let it go. 

“Come on now,” You beckoned with your hand. 

Huffing with frustration, Leo took as slow as possible to pull the razor blade from his pants.

[gsstories]

Meet the newbie!

I have gone ahead and made the newbie of the casino, Daniel the Golden Pheasant! Have some lore!

Originating from a different business in Shanghai, China, Daniel would be one of the most recent exotic harpies to have been bought by the casino. In his former home in China, he was to perform just as much as he would here in the casino, often getting foreign visitors to come and watch only for him. He loved it there but the owners were tight on money after a rather nasty incident that came with a lawsuit against them and he was sold and bought by the Birds of Paradise casino. Now he is in a continent where he understands everyone due to the visitors being from all over the world when he was in Shanghai, he understands a lot of languages and English is one of them, but he never got to learn to speak it and so there is a bit of a language barrier there and it doesn’t help considering he is painfully shy around others due to the new environment he is in. The casino is just so grand and there are much more harpies than he ever met and he cannot communicate with them and even if he wanted to, he was scared. Thankfully, his handler is a patient man and even though he cannot understand a word he is saying, he still is caring for him well enough.

Daniel is a 8’6 feet tall ball of anxiety which only seems to disappear when he performs considering it’s what he did back in China. At first, people would have thought that because he cannot speak English, he don’t understand them either and speak freely around him. Jokes on them, he understands very well and has heard the latest gossip no one else has! Doesn’t have the means to share it though, aside to Abigail’s handler who is part Chinese and does understand him but he isn’t very comfortable around her just yet. He would love having his feathers brushed and he admires the peacocks greatly, although a bit intimidated by Moon who I imagine would sometimes poke fun at him cause newbie ya know. I imagine there would be very funny interactions between Daniel and the peacocks (the owls as well lol-) Daniel loves mangoes btw 🥭

Scenario: Worker: And then I found out it was because of the dog! Other worker: No way! Daniel, standing there: *is listening and understanding everything that is being said* 0-0

---- Sun: Oh look, it's the newbie! Haven't had a new bird in a while. What's your name? Daniel, nervous: È, wǒ de míngzì shì dānní'ěr… (Uhh, my name is Daniel.) Sun: HUh? Daniel's handler (Zane): Sorry Sun, he can only speak Chinese but he understands English very well! His name is Daniel by the way. Sun: Oh, I see! ---- Moon: This the newbie? No offense but I was expecting... more. Daniel: Tā hěn shǎn liàng. Bùguò yǒudiǎn yìsi... (He's shiny. Kinda mean though.) Moon: Oh riiiiight, you can't speak English. Wonder how that will work out for ya here, hehe. Daniel, tilting his head: *is confused at Moon*

---- Wine and Feathers AU belongs to @missterious-figure

The Handler, aka Zane, belongs to my friend @ikari-shinsei

Daniel belongs to moi!

[euriiverse]

Ace and Filo!Reader

I just got this idea rn so excuse me if i dont make any sense so N E WAYS

Lets TALK ABOUT ACE X FILIPINO!READER. I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE BECAUSE IM LITERALLY HYPER RN AND I END UP RAMBLING A LOT IN THESE OCCASIONS

Note: THIS IS PURELY SELF-INDULGENT, IM NOT A WRITER OR ANYTHING I JUST WANNA SHARE MY THOUGHTS AHBDUXHS

Let's say this is set on modern au, you're great friends with the straw hats. You met Ace through Luffy, and Ace being the bright and kind guy he is, you guys end up being surprisingly close!

SO LET'S SAY YOU GUYS FOLLOW EACH OTHER ON EACH OF YOUR SOC MEDS

Imagine all the interactions you guys would have. I would say you do talk loud in your socmeds😭😭

BUT HERE'S THE FUNNY THING,(IVE BEEN ON STAN TWT AND I DO SPEND MOST OF MY TIME ON TWT) APPARENTLY I SAW SOME INTERNATIONAL STANS COMPLAIN ABOUT FILO STANS BECAUSE SOMETIMES WE START OUR RANTS IN ENGLISH THEN WE SUDDENLY MIX IT UP WITH TAGALOG AJJDJD (THIS IS ACTUALLY A LOT FUNNIER IN MY HEAD) SO IMAGINE FILO READER DOING THIS ON THEIR SOC MEDS

Ace finally entering his room after a long day, throwing himself over his bed and opens his phone and the first thing he does is check his twitter. He keeps scrolling until he finds your tweets and it seems like you have been active for the past hour. He read every single one of them and you seem angry

So trying to dig through and find what may have caused it, he finds himself being confused instead because he DOES NOT understand your tweets at all.

He tried, he really tried. Hell not even google translate can decipher what your tweets were about

He got frustrated because there was a whole ass thread of you going off at something, he understood like the first 3 tweets on the thread but then you went full on filipino for the rest of the thread T-T

Lmao let's say you had a bad day and you went to twitter and ranted

It goes like this, "I honestly don't get why people can be such dicks sometimes, putangina kala mo naman kung sino para maka-astang...." and the rest of the thread goes on like that!

ACE TRIED TO READ THE WHOLE THING (his narcolepsy did butt in a few times in between) BUT HE GAVE UP AND TRIED TO REACH OUT TO YOU INSTEAD

You just simply brushed it off with an explanation that you had a frustrating encounter with someone at work.

You might've cussed them out too while you were explaining it to Ace.

I kinda wanna say Ace would find it endearing but tbh he would be frustrated with this habit.

He wants to know the tea! ALL OF IT. But yea language barrier.

But I guess Ace picked up a few phrases from you after seeing you use them often.

I would like to hear Ace say, "Ay gago" or "Pogi"

I know people would usually judge me for watching anime in eng dub but i started one piece watching eng dub and god- ACE'S VOICE IN ENGLISH DUB IS SO HEAVENLY AND SEXY.

So imagine him saying, "mahal" QJJXCKKX

Mahal is the filipino word for, "Love" . Like in english it can be an endearment. Mahal kita - i love you, mahal - love

anyway thats all I have for today hope u enjoyed this as much as i died :>>>

[atinydise]

Ateez reacting to their s/o crying in front of them for the first time

❦ Genre: Fluff, a little bit angsty.

❦ Pairing: OT8.

❦ Word count: 3K4.

❦ Requested: Yes, thank you! 🦋

HONGJOONG

It had been 2 weeks since you had nonstop these hating comments on every social media. Your friend and Hongjoong warned you that the beginning will be hard, but you never imagine it would be like this. Before sleeping, you did your best to delete most of the meanest comments because you didn't want Hongjoong to be upset. To reassure yourself, you were telling every day that it would stop someday, but you were wrong. It was worse the next days. Just to enjoy your boyfriend's presence, you went to his studio. He would be busy, but his presence was enough for you. That's the only thing you wanted right now.As he was adding another beat on his production, you were deleting the comments again. Every time you tried to suppress one, another one came up. It overwhelmed you more than you imagined.

"I'm almost done babe! After that we can go watch our movie." Said Hongjoong, turning his chair around. His heart missed a beat when he saw tears sliding from your red eyes. His smile faded quickly. Your boyfriend immediately stood up and kneeled just next to you. "What's wrong? Did you hurt yourself?" Of course, when you heard that, you busted in tears, sobbing crazily. Hongjoong was shocked and confused to see you crying like this. In fact, he never seen you crying. "Y/N, look at me." He whispered, holding your hand. Despite your blurry vision, you stared right at him. "What's wrong?" He repeated. "What's ruining my usual sunshine's mood?" You took your time to explain the situation; that you are wasting your time on deleting a thousand of comments per day. You added that reading them, made your feel really insecure. "It's really hard Jong..." you sobbed, your lips shaking. "I'm sorry that you went through all of this, alone." He lifted himself a bit to hug your little figure. Face buried on his hoodie, you just gave it up and cried again. "The company is protecting me, but no one does it for you. I’ve failed." He patted your back, trying to comfort you as he could. "I'm really sorry Y/N." He whispered. You stayed at least 15 minutes in his arms, gripping the hem of his hoodie like your life depended on it. Hearing you being so sad made Hongjoong realize how much you suffered and kept everything for yourself. "You won't be alone anymore. We are going to find the perfect solution, so you won't get hurt once again. Okay?" You nodded, making him slid his hand on the back of your head to keep you closer. "Everything will be okay love." You ignored if it was your boyfriend's warm presence or the tears you finally let out, but you felt so much lighter.

SEONGHWA

"Okay babe. Are you ready?" Asked Seonghwa, face buried behind a history book. "I think I should study a bit more." You replied. "But you've done this the whole week. I'm sure you are ready." He smiled. Not sure of yourself, you shrugged. "Let's give it a try then." The next week, you needed to pass the most important exam of your entire life. Compared to an "idol life", it's like the last audition which will determine if you can debut or not. The one you are not supposed to fail. That's why you set and organized a complete and strict revisions schedule since these past weeks. To be honest, it had been pretty intense, and you were pretty exhausted now. "So, first question from when lasted the 2nd World War?" "1940 to 1945?" You replied not sure of yourself. "1939 to 1945." Rectified Seonghwa. Good. 1st question and already one mistake. "Next one: in which year did the USA joined the WII?" You knew this date; you had an entire sheet on it. So why the answer wouldn't come out? "19-" you paused, thinking hard about the answer. "Y/N, we studied together this date and this chapter." Said Seonghwa, trying to help you. Mad at yourself, you closed your notebook and buried your head in your arms. "Y/N-" "I don't remember!" Your voice cracked and your shoulders started to shake. "I'm useless and stupid!" Seonghwa was surprised to see you like this. You were not the type of person to cry. In 1 year and a half of relationship, he never saw you cry. "Just let me fail this exam!" You sobbed, tears dripping o the blue ink of your notebook. "Y/N. You are one of the smartest people I know." Whispered your boyfriend resting his head just next to yours. His arm was wrapped around your shoulders. "You just worked and studied so much these weeks that your brain needs a break." "I have so many chapters and topics to learn." You sniffled, lifting up a bit, but to hide your face behind your hand. "You are having a mental breakdown babe. Just take a break you won't fail." Seonghwa's voice was affecting you in the right way. You could feel yourself calming a bit, but the stress was always there. "Let's watch TV for the rest of the night so tomorrow you can focus back on your task." "But I need to study." You wiped your tears with your shirt. "If you continue today, you won't remember anything tomorrow. That's what you want?" You shook your head. "Good. Then let's go watch a movie. I'll order a pizza." "Thank you." You whispered, still sniffling.

YUNHO

You had a pretty mad argument with a close friend. You couldn't even call her this way because what she did was wrong. In a short resume, she hangs out with your other friend's crush. The worst part was that she never apologized or realized that her actions were bad and could hurt someone else. So, since this day, you've been pretty alone. The trio you formed with your friend was over. Nobody talked on the group chat like you usually do. Your girl trip was cancelled, and you had no choice but to accept it and cancel all the reservations you've done. It could be childish and ridiculous to be sad over a friendship but it as a particular one for you. They were the first ones to talk to you when you arrived in Korea. The language barrier never had been an issue. Thanks to them you improved more than you could imagine. When you had an argument with Yunho, they were the first ones to get you out, just to change your mind. How could a good friendship finish so badly? "Y/N? Are you listening to me?" Asked Yunho, sitting on the couch next to you. "Huh sorry, I was deep in my thoughts." You smiled shyly. "It is because of-" started Yunho. "Don't." You stopped him straight. "Don't pronounce their names." Your boyfriend was staring at you. He never thought it would affect you so much. "I tried my best to stay strong," you sighed. "But i can't lie to you. This is pretty hard." "Babe..." "I've been with them for so long. A bit like you and the guys." You smiled sadly, thinking about the old and good times. "They were my family here, in South Korea. Yunho was looking at the decomposition of your face. You were completely devastated. "I miss them so much." You finally let out, head bending, and eyes closed to avoid tears to fall. "I'm sure it will be fixed soon." Whispered Yunho, ignoring what to do. A light laugh escaped your lips. "Nothing will be the same, and it's better if we stay apart." Your boyfriend was secretly thinking the same thing. It was a pretty good issue. He left his thoughts when you whined of sadness before sniffling for the third time. What to do? What do you need? He never saw you like that. You always said that you hated to cry. It makes you feel weak. "Do you want a hot chocolate? I know you like." He offered. "If you don't mind, I really need a hug right now." You stared at him; face completely wet. "Yes of course." He didn't hesitate and pulled you closer to him. He assumed that you felt better because you cried a bit more. Losing friends can be really painful sometimes. Yunho hoped that you would be okay. He would be there every time you need someone to talk with. However, at the same time he hoped to never see you crying again. That was too painful for him to look at your usual bright face, changing into a sad one.

YEOSANG

Yeosang's phone buzzed on his pocket. He stared at the clock hanging on the wall. 11 PM. By that, he guessed that you were calling him because you missed him. Without waiting any longer, he sat down on the floor and picked up. ["Hello!] You waved at the screen. ["Hey boo! What's up?"] He asked, fixing his hair at the same time. ["I miss you."] You pouted. ["It's been pretty hard to catch up these times."] Yeosang's scratched his nape, nervously. ["Yeah... We've been busy 24/7. I can't tell when the last time was, I had enough time for myself."] ["Keep some time for you. It's important."] You replied, looking at his little dark circles. ["I will try to-"] ["Hello Y/N!"] Waved San, appearing on the screen. ["It's daytime for you?] You smiled at him. He was always so energized. ["Hello San! And yeah, it's 3PM here."] ["Can you let me talk to my girl in peace? I can't do it often already!"] Scolded Yeosang gently, flickering San's forehead. At this comment, you felt all the emotions and feelings you kept during these 7 months, submerging you. Before you could realize it, a tear escape of your eye, followed by another one. ["Yeah yeah! Leave us alone!"] he pushed San out of the screen. ["So, what you- Y/N? Are you crying?"] His face approched the screen phone really fast. ["Oh!"] You said, surprised. ["I didn't even notice."] You chuckled sniffling. ["What's wrong. It's the first time I see you crying."] Asked Yeosang, worried something bad happened. ["Nothing. This week had just been stressful, and I really miss you."] You looked up to suppress the other tears to come. ["We are going yo see each other soon I promise."] He said, feeling mad to be so far away from you. ["Sorry, I didn't plan to cry like a baby 'in front' of you."] You air quoted. ["It's just so hard Yeosang."] Your voice cracked, causing your boyfriend to feel sorry. ["I promise we will see each other faster than what you think."] You nodded, still avoiding looking at him. ["Don't cry Y/N. I hate seeing you like this."] He sighed. Forbidden you to cry made you do it even more. You put down the phone so he could only see your ceiling. ["It's okay. I'll calm down."] You said between 2 sobs. Yeosng was staring at the phone, hoping to see your smile back. ["I want to see you."] ["I look terrible."] You positioned the phone back, wiping the bottom of your eyes. ["No. You look like Frankenstein’s wife."] He teased you. ["So, you are Frankenstein?"] You giggled. ["Ouch, you got me."] You laughed at his disbelieving face. Yeosang was the only one who could make you cry, and in the next minute, make you laugh crazily.

SAN (⚠️this one can be a little bit triggering since it’s mentioning the lockdown)

"Finally! Some time for myself!" Claimed San, holding your hand tighter. "Since a long time, he had or find an empty time on his schedule and rushed to spend time with you. San invited you at the restaurant and for a quick walk before heading back to the dorm. No matter how hard you tried to stay focus on your boyfriend and the conversation, you zoned out time to time. San ignored what was bothering you. The lockdown had been pretty hard for you and your mental health. You lost your self-esteem and didn't find anymore any good compliments for yourself. For several months, you documented yourself to find something which could lift your mood. Most of the time, you spent your day on TikTok, but it messed up more than it should. Thanks to San, he was the only one who avoided you to end depressed completely. He still ignored that you were going through a lot. You always acted like everything was totally fine. "I can't believe we are already in February." He looked at the stars. "Yeah." You smiled. "Time flies." "It's been almost 2 years that I've met you too!" He giggled. "I'm so lucky. Many girls would have run away with an idol as boyfriend." He started. "But not you! You are still here. The rock of our couple." More he was talking; more you were realizing that you were not that strong anymore. "I'm really lucky!" He repeated, kissing your hand lovely. You didn't have enough time to suppress the sob coming from your throat. You slapped your free hand on your mouth, even if you couldn't know if you were really crying, tears felt right on your fingers. "Y/N? Are you-" he stopped, realizing how stupid the question was? "What's happening baby?" The soft tone he used to talk, made you bust in cry a lot more. "Wow wow! Y/N, what is going on?" He asked, completely worried. You hesitated to tell him what was going on, but you couldn't let him with no information. "I'm just so done." You started. "So tired, so sad, so depressed, every fucking day." "Why?" You shrugged, picking a tissue of your pocket. "I don't know. I just feel like that. I want to be happy and strong again, but I'm always overthinking. It makes me doubt on everything." San pulled you in a warm and safe hug. He ribbed the back of your head to comfort you. "Don't worry. I will help you to pass this hard period." He whispered. "I really don't know what is going on with me and I don't like that." You added, tugging on his hoodie. "It's okay. Everyone goes through difficult moment. But I’m here to help you. I will give you everything."

MINGI

Mingi got out of the sleeping state when he heard a sniffle. At first, he thought that he was dreaming. Even though his dream was completely crazy, no one was crying. He just let it out and tried to sleep completely. Until he heard another sniffling. This time Mingi cracked an eye. The room was plunged in the dark. Exactly like how he fell asleep. "Did you catch a cold?" Asked Mingi, with his deepest voice. No answer, but still the sniffling could be heard. "Y/N." He repeated a bit louder. His body was still facing the window so he couldn't see you. No answer. Mingi thought that you were deep in the sleep to not hear him. So, he sneaked his arm under the sheet to squeeze your leg. "Get up and take a medicine at least, bec-" He stopped when he had nothing to squeeze. Finally, he sat up and looked at your usual spot. Empty. The sheet was cold. So, you were probably awake since a long time. Mingi walked to the hallway, looking for any light or any shadow hid in the dark. When he saw the one coming from the bathroom, he rushed there. Without knocking, he entered making you jump by surprise. "What are you doing here? It's late!" He raised a brow. Feeling the tears coming back, you hid your face behind your hands. Mingi's face softened immediately. He turned you around, so you could look at him. Just by seeing you crying, he understood what was going on. "You saw the article?" He whispered. You nodded, your shoulders shaking at each sob, like a baby. "You should have told me that it made you sad." He pulled you in a warm hug, trying to comfort you. "How? We made a deal." You wrapped your arms around his waist. "This deal sucks if you end by crying like that." He kissed your forehead. "I just wanted to protect you from every crazy fans. But I had no idea, people would start assuming that I'm dating the entire world." "It's not your fault." You sobbed. "I accepted to hide our relationship too." "I'm going to fix it Y/N." Claimed Mingi. "I hate saying you like that. I've never seen you crying yet." You smiled shyly at him. He wasn't the best man on this earth, he barely knew how to comfort you, but he has this strong and safe aura. It was everything that matters. "Stop crying please. I hate that." He pouted. You wiped your eyes quickly and gave him a warm smile. "Thank you Mingi."

WOOYOUNG

You were sitting on the dance practice's couch, looking at your boyfriend and San joking around. It was not a big deal. The atmosphere was really good, and everyone was in the right mod. Except you. Why? Because you had a secret interview with the CEO and the group manager. They made you understand that your relationship with Wooyoung was prohibited. It's been 3 years that you were dating, and they never had a problem. Until the group gain more and more attention and that journalist were following them around. One of them already threatened KQ to reveal an article few days before the comeback, just to ruin it. That's why, while the group was singing and dancing along, you were slowly getting sadder. To not ruin the mood, you got up and exited the room. The more natural possible. Even though you thought that nobody spotted your sudden sadness, Seonghwa noticed that something was wrong. And since you put a foot in the room. "Wooyoung." "Yeah?" "You should check after Y/N. I feel like something is off." He said. "She just probably went to restroom." He shrugged. "No, something is really wrong." Insisted Seonghwa. Without saying anything, Wooyoung rushed out of the room. He didn't last long to find you. His heart missed a beat when he saw your face. Tears were storming on your cheeks. Your nose was running, and your entire body was shaking also. He stayed there, without moving at all. Wooyoung never saw you this way and he was completely freaking out. His brain finally functioned again when you started to choke, hands on your chest. "Babe babe! Calm down." He kneeled in front of you, embracing you as much as he could. "I'm here. Calm down." He repeated. You gripped the back of his shirt, still completely devastated. Wooyoung rubbed the back of your head. Your face as buried on the crook of his neck. "Baby. Breathe." He whispered. Your boyfriend never asked once why you were crying. He stayed 30 minutes, in the same position, waiting for you to finally calm down. The most important think was you to be 100% ready to talk about it. "No matter what, I'm here." You are not alone."

JONGHO

The room was plunged in the dark. A light flame coming from the center of the table was lighting things around you. It been 2 hours that you were sitting there. Your eyes were locked o the big window, which is usually help the moon reflection to enter in the apartment. Your entire house was quiet. But you were annoyed by the loud noise coming from your mind thoughts. Jongho has left since this afternoon. Just after, probably one of the biggest argue you ever had. "Oh, you are so annoying! You know what? I'm leaving." This sentence was stuck in your throat. Jongho was really mad this time and was probably not ready to forgive you. Your head lifted up when you heard footsteps in the hallway. You prayed and hoped that your fiancé was coming back home. But few seconds later, the neighbor's door slammed and resonated in your ears. At the edge of a mental breakdown, your lips started to shake, and your eyes were getting itchy because of the tears forming in your eyes. Quickly, a sob escaped of your lips. Followed by another one. Before you could realize it, you busted in tears, crying loudly. All of your fear and pain stuck in your head, made you cry. Your dog, not understanding the situation, put his head on your lap, trying to comfort you. "Y/N!" Your heart missed a bit when you heard Jongho's voice. For a short second, you thought that you were dreaming. But your boyfriend was really standing there, hands full of your favorite restaurant food. In no time, you gently pushed your dog and rushed to Jongho. Arms wrapped around his waist, you felt like living again. He couldn't answer to your hug or otherwise he would drop the food, but you felt like his warm aura around you. "Ah," he smiled. "I might have been a little bit too harsh with you. It's the first time I see you crying." "You are dumb." You sobbed, still wrapped around him. I really thought you left." "Aye, come on. I can never do that." Probably because of the relief, you cried even more. "You are acting like a strong and independent woman but here you are, sobbing like a baby." He kissed your head. "I hate you." You replied. "Yeah. I love you too." He giggled.

[yanderecandystore]

How about some yandere!giant headcannons please?

(Yes I took the lazy route when drawing this, and if you see people you don't recognize it's because I decided to put my friends in it-)

(( I also had drawn Mikudayo and Miko because I just thought it was funny to make them considering the time I had mistaken them for each other-))

TW/tags: gender neutral reader // I'm gonna make the giant male because you didn't really say giantess? So I'm assuming it's male/gender neutral pronouns // being treated like a doll/pet // kidnapping // language barrier cause I'm yearning- // very generic giant story // delusional thinking // slight stockholm syndrome

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

Don't even ask me, y'all read about eldritch creatures so a giant is literally no big deal- [Yandere!Giant x Reader - Headcanon]:

Oh dear, oh goodie, oh Lord-

Does anyone need a bit of context? Maybe a little storyline to start with? I could just go straight to the good stuff though??

Listen- I could pull out so many mother fucking posts under the category of Yandere Giants- Almost all Eldritch content in my blog involves the height difference of: vewy tol x vewy smol UwU

Anyway- Malos, the giant of our story. I'm going to go very generically since I didn't want to say something that could possibly not be of your taste boo-

Malos is your classic troublemaking giant, the type of which you would hear about in fairy tales created to scare the human folk all around your kingdom. All those stories talked about the world beyond the clouds, the giant's kingdom, living their lives in wealth, very far from the ground below where humans (their "favorite delicacy", allegedly) lived.

The one thing that all those stories shared in common was the violent behavior of the tyrants above, their arrogant and greedy nature mixed with the horrifying sightings of giants who would somehow find their way to get on land, specifically targeting a small town to torment. Many have said to have faced a big beast walking around in the woods, some would claim that they actually fought a giant or two, although there is no way to confirm such bold claims of being true.

Were you a common townsfolk who got themselves too far into the woods? An adventurer finding their way into a town surrounded by mystery? Or were you perhaps a noble who by terrible misfortune, had their carriage be stuck during a heavy storm in the dark of night?

It doesn't really matter which one you choose, considering that what happens next would be inevitable. You get lost at the dead of night, the townsfolk not even being able to comprehend how someone can simply disappear like this. You would wake up at a place you couldn't even begin to recognize, it was a very well decorated room yet none of it felt familiar to you.

Maybe it was because of how fancy and modern it was compared to what you were more accustomed with on land, or maybe it was the simple fact that everything in this room was awfully huge compared to you. It took you quite some time to realize that you were not only on top of a massive bed- But that you were trapped inside a bird cage.

Before you could question whether you were having a hallucination or not, your joyful captor made its way inside the bedroom. With such a blissful expression that makes a chill run down your spine- He was so big, it was obvious your captor would have been a giant considering your current location, yet it still shocked you for some reason.

Much to your dismay, your captor does not speak the same language as you, which made you scream at him to free you and put you back where he found you. You have noticed he wasn't understanding a single word coming out of your mouth the moment you started crying at the giant, begging for mercy in fear of what could be your destiny here.

Yet here you were, just- Being observed by such gentle eyes, concerned of your current state. He could talk and shush your cries all he wanted, but you couldn't understand a single thing he meant, the only certainty in this case being the fact you ain't getting out of here so soon.

Malos isn't evil, even if you can't understand what he says- You can tell he is very gentle with you, maybe because he sees how scared and panicky you are, or because he sees you as a pet- Who knows?

He did give you a lot of signs of seeing you as possibly just a "pocket companion", a pet and a doll, someone he could take care of and take wherever he wanted. You noticed how there was no one else who lived with him, maybe he was that lonely and desperate to find a friend that he took you- Without considering your actual feelings on the action.

You weren't too small compared to him, you were basically the height of his hand- A small doll to him, just for him. Whatever life you used to have could be kissed goodbye at this point, because even if you wish everything could go back to normal, that ain't happening, boo.

Malos loves dressing you up, giving you little trinkets to use, giving you small portions of his own food, hearing you make all those lovely sounds he doesn't understand one bit off yet it is still willing to try and comprehend it. He is a very skilled crafter, you know? He knows how to create small toys that will make wonderful gifts for you, at least in his own mind.

Whatever situation you were in that would have brought you to meet him, he would have thought the same thing regardless of what background you could choose for yourself- In Malos eyes, you were lost in the cold of the night, looking so lonely and in need of someone's attention, which he could relate to since he was also lonely and looking for company.

Malos is quite delusional, he has his moments where he has to face reality as a lonely toy maker who kidnapped a human to be his little companion. In these moments of lucidity, he will look at you as if he was lost, as if he was searching for an answer- A confirmation of his actions.

And looking at your cute small little self, confirms his beliefs. You were lost, he was also lost- Yet you found each other, and that's all that matters for him.

After being faced with so much love and attention, considering how weeks and months have passed since he got you here, it's not hard to imagine you feeling more comfortable in his presence.

His skin is so much warmer than yours, his rough hands hold you with such care- It's hard to not give yourself in to his gentle touches, to his incomprehensible whispers, he has such a smooth voice that is hard to not enjoy listening to it.

You didn't plan this to happen- But on each day that passes by, you start feeling like being taken care off is way better than having to fend for yourself down there with the other humans. His company has been so heartwarming, and it hurts you the times he has to go out and take long periods of time outside his house, probably selling his toys or even buying more food for you two.

It's so unfortunate to think that you, someone who was once a person, was now submitting to him and enjoying being treated like this- You would curse at yourself for being so weak, so desperate for his affection, to the point you enjoy being petted and loved as a doll.

With Malos, you could ignore the voices screaming at you to get yourself out of his house in the clouds, but whenever you were left alone locked inside a doll house he built, you would cry yourself to sleep until you could ignore your conscience telling you how much of a failure you are.

If Malos was somehow aware of this confusing thoughts inside you, he would try his best to calm you down, while also pulling you closer to the confirmation that he is here to help you, to take care of you and that there is no shame in you liking him as well. He already loves you so much, he just needs you to do the same for him.

However, Malos isn't always gentle with you- Not only is he easily excited, but he is also easily angered, very childishly. His outbursts are never on you, but rather on the things around you. You can feel the table under you shake whenever he has his temper tantrums, you can see him taking away some of your items as a form of punishment in case you have been acting up.

He would also give you an ice shoulder for some time if he felt as if you were in need of apologizing (even if he didn't understand your language, he could still see through your mannerisms if you were truly sorry or not). He wouldn't ignore you for long, considering how he is also very touch-starved, which leads into the next point:

Malos loves petting you, and touching you. You're soft and squishy and so charming to hold- How can he not love you to bits??!

He gets very confused sometimes, he isn't sure if he sees you as a small pet-like companion, or as a possible- Well, partner. His adoration towards you will start to twist into actual romantic interest, and I warn you to be careful darling-

The moment he sets his mind into something, it's nearly impossible to change it back.

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

[cutie1365]

A Kid from Queens Part 21

Pairing: Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

Info: CA: Civil War Era. Tony Stark enlists his daughter to find the web slinging spider in Queens.

Word count: 5.4k

Warnings: 18+ content, smut, language. (I had aged up Peter so he’s 18.)

A/N: Flashbacks in italics as usual :) I know it’s been forever, motivation is hard to come by these days. This is the longest thing I’ve ever written, it’s long enough to break into two chapters but I know I haven’t uploaded in a while so Merry Christmas lol.

Any and all feedback is much appreciated! Please please if you could just leave a little message of things you like or what you want to see in the future it really helps.

Masterlist linked in my bio. Taglist in the reblog.

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

“Y/N! Y/N! Over here!” You heard your name called as Happy opens the limo door. He extends his hand to help you to your feet.

“Stark, look over here!” The paparazzi screams were almost deafening as Peter exited the car after you. His mask hid more of his features while yours left little to the imagination, they knew who you were already, so no point in trying to hide it.

“Behave.” Happy pointed a stern finger at you.

“Don’t I always.” You feigned offense as your hand clapped over your heart, he raised a brow as your mouth turned up into a smirk.

“Goodnight Happy.” You chuckled, turning and stepping onto the red carpet leading to the venue.

“Who are you wearing?” You heard different questions screamed in your direction. This was a charity gala after all, not the fucking Oscars. Who cares who made your dress?

You slipped your hand into Peters, trying to calm him. This had to be overwhelming, all the cameras in your face, screaming anything they can to get you to look their way.

“Dr. Stark!” One voice called, gaining your attention. Few people addressed you with your appropriate title. You turned to see a young woman, who didn’t look like she’s been on the job for very long. She was holding her own though, against all these ruthless reporters. You thought you saw The Bugle among them.

“Dr. Stark, Glory Grant from the Times.” She smiled once you looked her way. You took a step closer to her, nodding at her to let her know you were listening and she could continue, “Can you tell us why this cause is important to you?”

“Of course, every child’s life we can save is like an investment into our and their future. They’re going to be the ones to take over the world someday. Who knows who will be the next Einstein, or Madam Curie...” You began with a smile.

“Or Y/N Stark,” She smiled. You laughed, shaking your head humbly.

“If we can do our part in donating and relieving some of the financial burdens off of their parents then it’s worth it. This organization not only helps families and children currently fighting cancer, but it helps look for a cure. A permanent solution to help end this disease.” You spoke from your heart.

“Thank you so much Dr. Stark.” She smiled as she scribbled the last of your words onto her notepad.

“Are you new at the Times Ms. Grant?” You asked, taking another step closer to her and the barrier between the two of you.

“Yeah, I just started.” She smiled nervously.

“Can I borrow your pen?” You asked, and she handed you her pen and pad.

“That’s my work number. If you’d like to be added to the Stark Industries press board, give me a call. They’re the first ones we call about press releases and announcements.” You spoke as you scribbled it down, handing it back to her with a smile.

“Thank you so much Dr. Stark, but why are you helping me?” She furrowed her brows.

“Because it's a man's world, and we can help change that, one woman at a time,” You said, causing her to laugh, “You’re the only one here to actually address me by my title and not ask me about my outfit. I see a bright career ahead of you.” You nodded to her as you took a step back towards the middle of the carpet.

“Enjoy tonight,” she smiled, beaming at the new opportunity. You winked at her as you took Peter’s hand and led him along the carpet and up the stairs towards the venue.

“That was nice of you,” He squeezed your hand.

“I mean it’s effortless for me, but it will help kick start her career. I got this kinda third eye about people.” You smirked.

“That’s not a real thing.” He shook his head with a laugh.

“Sure it is. It’s not always perfect, but sometimes I can just tell when people are destined for something great. Like you, from the moment I met you I knew.” You turned towards him, taking his other hand in yours.

“You knew what?” He titled his head in confusion.

You leaned in to press a chaste kiss to his lips, forgetting you were at the top of the stairs and still in full sight of all the photographers. You saw the flashes but you didn’t care. Peter’s identity was safe with his mask, and you wanted the whole work to know how happy he made you.

“That you’re a good person, and you’re gonna do big things.” You beamed up at him as you pulled away from the kiss, turning to lead him inside.

“So what else can this third eye tell you?” He asked curiously.

“It’s kinda like a gut feeling, to trust someone or not trust them. Like fight or flight, something’s not right kinda feeling. I just trust my gut, ya know.” You shrugged.

“I think I know exactly what you mean.” He said, and you turned to him with a raised brow before remembering your conversation from a week ago.

“Oh that’s right, like your spidey senses.” You chuckled, making sure to keep your voice low.

“My what?” His eyes went wide.

“You said you can sense when something bad's gonna happen. Although mine isn’t as specific and can’t be attributed to a radioactive spider.” You chuckled, walking to a secluded corner of the ballroom.

“Shh someone could hear you.” He whispered, you smiled, shaking your head, knowing everyone’s always drunk at these sorts of things.

Turning to face Peter, you raised your hands to straighten his bow tie. Your mind wandered to how great he looked in his suit. The feeling of butterflies swirling in your belly from the moment you saw him step through your door a few hours ago had barely worn off.

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

“Wow,” you both muttered as your eyes landed on each other. You’d never seen him all dressed up like this. He looked good, really good. You gulped, trying to push the dirty thoughts from your mind.

His hair was slicked back, not the mess of curls you were used to. He looked so grown up. You could almost picture him commanding a Stark Industries board meeting or standing at the end of an isle. Wait- slow down Y/N, jesus.

He looked so natural, so dapper, and then he turns and gives you that signature goofy smile- there he is. It brought a smile to your face. How did you get so lucky? How could you have landed a guy as great and handsome as Peter Parker. Were the girls at his school brain dead? You would think everyone would want him. Kind, sweet, intelligent, respectful, and Christ he cleans up well. He was everything you’d ever dreamed of.

Have you just been staring this whole time? Jesus, Y/N say something, he’ll think you’re crazy, you thought.

“Are you ready to go?” You asked, trying to compose yourself. He only nodded, still not able to formulate words.

You were wearing red. His red. No- not his red obviously, but the same color of his suit. And god he loved it. He felt like you were wearing a piece of him. Like he had marked you, you were his.

“You look...” He trailed off, his eyes still wide. He cleared his throat and smiled, trying to compose himself. You could almost hear his internal monologue urging him on - Come on Peter, keep it together..., “You look... God Y/N. You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” You blushed. Of course that wasn’t the first time someone had told you that, but coming from Peter it felt different, “You look so handsome. Not your usual kind of suit, huh?” You smirked, causing him to chuckle as he pulled on his sleeves.

“I have your mask.” You smiled, still admiring him, holding the mask out to him.

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

“Why doesn’t your mask hide your identity?” Peter asked, as the two of you watched more and more people file into the ballroom.

“Because people will know who I am anyway, and I’m not hiding.” You explained.

“How will they know?” He furrowed his brows, you shook your wrist in response.

“I don’t know anyone else with a custom blaster built into a bracelet. I’m also on the younger side, and pulled up in a ride with Stark Industries plates, so it wouldn’t take a genius.” You smiled, starting to recognize a few faces of regulars as you people watched.

“Do you always wear that thing?” He asked, holding up your wrist and examining it.

“No, I’ve got a watch for day to day wear that does the same thing. Dad may not give me a suit, but he won’t leave me completely defenseless. And it has come in handy.” You trailed off, remembering the not so fond memories of the last time you used it. Your ribs still ached if you thought about it long enough.

“Let’s hope you don’t have to use it tonight.” Peter said, craving one normal night without having to be a hero.

“Someone would have to be very ambitious to attack this place, they’ve got security out the wazoo.” You brushed off, praying tonight would go well.

A hush fell over the crowd as the charity president walked onto the stage and welcomed everyone. You felt Peter’s hand slip around your waist protectively as everyone pushed a little closer to the stage to hear. This part was pretty standard, basically a little speech to kick off the  night, a thank you for coming, and who to make all checks out to. Music filled the ballroom as the band began playing after the applause for the speaker died down.

“I’ll get us something to drink.” Peter nodded off towards the open bar.

You nod as he walks off and turn to admire the ballroom. Your eyes soon land on a familiar face.

“Dr. Strange,” You smile, greeting him.

“Dr. Stark,” He nods. You’d met a few times at these sorts of events. You hadn’t seen him for a while though, and there were rumors of an accident.

“How are you Stephen? I haven’t seen you since...” You paused to trying and remember, “Was it that benefit for the hospital a year ago?”

“Had to be, I’ve been... traveling.” He stated ominously. You glanced down to see the long thin scars along his fingers.

“Well it’s nice to have you back.” You smiled.

Peter now rejoined you at your side, slipping a drink into your hands- non-alcoholic of course, per May’s request. His other hand found its way to the small of your back.

“Peter, this is Dr. Stephen Strange.” You introduced him.

“Peter Parker,” He smiled, shaking the doctor’s hand. Something you couldn’t describe flashed over Peter’s eyes as they shook hands. Like a gut feeling he couldn’t quite place. For some reason his spidey senses were going off.

“Enjoy your evening, I need to check in at work.” Strange gave a curt nod and smile as he said his goodbyes. As he walked past you he dropped his voice to a whisper and spoke into your ear, “I like this one much better than the last.”

“Me too,” You whispered back with a smirk.

“So... how do you know him?” Peter asked curiously as the doctor excused himself to call the hospital.

“We run in the same circles, it’s a lot of the same people that come to these sorts of things. His hospital donates a lot of money to these causes and when he pisses off the board they send him to represent them as punishment.” You explained.

“This is a punishment?” Peter asked, dumbfounded.

“For a neurosurgeon it might just be,” You laughed, shaking your head, “I’m surprised he’s here.”

“Why?” He furrowed his brows.

“I heard he was in an accident not too far back. A bad one. I didn’t know he had gone back to work. Hmm...” You looked off to where the man had disappeared to.

“Care to dance, Parker?” You changed the subject, taking his hand into yours and placing your drinks onto the nearest table.

As the song changed to I Only Have Eyes For You by The Flamingos, he held you in his arms, swaying slowly. You were lost in him, hours could have passed, or seconds. As your bodies were pressed together you felt a sensation you could only describe as home.

“So has it been everything you dreamed it would be? These stuffy formalities for rich people to get drunk and spend money.” You chuckled as you looked up at him.

“It’s beautiful, but I guess, I mean it seems so glamorous from the outside.” He shook his head.

“Sorry to burst the bubble for you. It’s a little less Gatsby, and a little more, middle aged businessman doing coke in the bathroom.” You quipped.

Peter’s head immediately whipped towards the bathroom door where two men were emerging, one rubbing his nose.

“No way...” He looked back to you with wide eyes.

“You’d be surprised.” You chuckled.

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

After a little more dancing and mingling you and Peter made your way out onto the deserted balcony.

“Are you cold?” He asked, as he leaned onto the railing next to you. You were hiding it well but he still sensed it.

“A little.” You chuckled, cursing those spidey senses for giving you away.

Peter slipped off his coat and placed it over your shoulders. You thanked him as you turned to admire the moonlit lake below you. It was so quiet and peaceful, untouched by the party going on just on the other side of the glass doors.

“Did you have a good day?” Peter asked.

“Perfect.” You looked up to him and smiled, and you meant it.

“Um, so, Happy told me that you don’t like to celebrate your birthday but,” Peter began to speak, nervously. Your eyes grew wide, how in the world did he know it was your birthday? That was the one day you liked to keep private and out of the press. Only the Avengers, Pepper and Happy knew when it was. “I wanted to give you this. Everyone deserves at least one present on their birthday.”

“Peter you didn’t-” You shook your head, before he cut you off.

“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. And don’t worry, Mr. Stark swore me to secrecy so I won’t go announcing it to the world.” He reassured you as he reached into his pocket to pull out a little box.

“I know it’s not much, and I’m sure you have a million other fancy things, but I wanted you to have this.” Peter opened the box nervously, revealing a necklace. It was a single pearl and diamond dangling from a silver chain. Simple, but beautiful. “It was my mothers. Aunt May said that my dad gave it to her on their wedding day.”

Your jaw dropped slightly and your hand went over your heart.

“Peter, I-” How could you accept this? It was probably one of the last bits he had of his mother and he was just giving it away? You knew how much they meant to him, and he’d been through so much. With losing both parents so young and then his Uncle Ben not that long ago. Tears began to pool up in your eyes. Did he really care about you that much to part with something this important?

“Are you sure?” You asked softly.

“Of course I am. She would have loved you. She would have wanted you to have it.” Peter spoke, slipping the necklace on you as a single tear slipped down your cheek.

You turned back to him with a smile, he gently rubbed his thumb across your cheek to wipe the tear away. He didn’t know what to say- actually that’s a lie. He knew exactly what three words he wanted to say, but he thought it might be too soon and he might scare you. He absolutely didn’t want that. So he just smiled at you as you leaned in to kiss him.

You pulled away and wiped your tears, trying your best not to mess up your makeup.

“Thank you Peter.” You sniffled, chuckling at how silly you were being.

“Happy birthday.” He beamed as you heard the band strike up a slow song inside. He extended his hand to you, “Y/N Stark, can I have this dance?”

There was that goofy smile again, causing you to giggle as you placed your hand in his. He pulled you close, you rest your head on his shoulder as you both sway to the music. And for once in your life, everything was perfect.

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

After everyone had said their goodbyes and they ushered you out of the venue, you and Peter began your short walk through the park to the Plaza Hotel across the street.

“Tonight was like a dream,” You said, as you swung your intertwined hands slightly.

“Haven’t you been to a million of these things.” Peter chuckled and shook his head.

“Yes, but I’ve never been to one with someone I love and it’s a very different experience I’ve learned.” You spoke, causing Peter to stop.

You turned to face him as you noticed his wide eyes, not believing the words that just came out of your mouth. It took him a minute to process. One, that meant you loved him. And two, that meant you were never in love with Thomas, since you’d been to these events with him before.

“Ok, you’re kinda scaring me now Peter,” You laughed nervously at his awestruck state.

“You love me?” He asked, and you answered with a nod and a smile.

He placed his hands on either side of your face and pulled you into a sweeping kiss.

“Am I dreaming?” Peter asks, pulling away, looking for any sign on your face that this was all some sort of joke.

“I sure hope not,” You chuckle.

“I love you too,” Peter beams at you, pulling you into another kiss.

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

“Woah...” You and Peter both mutter as you push open the door to your hotel room. Now this was fancy. You felt like you were in a room in Buckingham Palace.

You both walked around, inspecting the room as you dropped your coats. You saw your bags in the corner that had already been brought up. You ran your hand over one of the pillows on the huge California King sized bed as your lips morphed into a smirk and an idea popped into your head. You clutched onto the pillow with one of your perfectly manicured hands as you spun around, whacking Peter with it.

“Hey!” He yelped, eyes growing wide at what you’d just done.

“Come on Parker, let’s see what you’ve got.” You tossed him another pillow from the bed with a smirk.

“O you’re gonna regret this,” He stalked towards you. You kicked off your heels and jumped onto the bed, standing up on your knees.

He swung his pillow as you ducked, it just missed you. You took the opportunity to whack him again. He looked at you with wide eyes, thinking, How had he missed?

“What? Couldn’t see that coming, bug boy?” You laughed. Taking those few seconds to gloat had proved fatal as you felt his pillow attack your side.

“Oof,” You feigned pain as you dropped backwards until your back hit the bed.

“Are you ok?” Peter asked, worried, thinking he’d really hurt you. With his super strength he was never sure.

You waited until he was kneeling next to you to jump into action, according to your plan. You jumped up, pushing him back onto the bed as you straddle him, grabbing your pillow and smacking him a few times.

“Ok, ok, you win!” Peter cried out, forfeiting.

“Yes!” You threw your pillow up in the air in victory. Peter looked up at you, still on top of him with your hair now a mess, hanging all around your face. He cherished the genuine smile on your face. All he wanted to do was kiss you, you looked so happy.

You crawled off of him and back onto the floor where you extended your hand to help him up. As he placed his hand into yours and rose to his feet, you didn’t notice his left hand reach for the pillow. Before you knew it, there was a pillow lightly thrown in your face.

“Peter!” You squealed through laughter. He knew you were about to retaliate when you reached for your own pillow on the bed. But he was faster, wrapping his arms around your waist and lifting you away.

“Come on, truce?” He asked as you struggled against his arms.

“Fine, truce.” You said, shaking his extended hand as he let you go.

“Hungry?” You asked, reaching for the room service menu on the desk and flipping through it.

“Starving.” He said, reading it over your shoulder.

After you had called in the food, you walked over to explore the rest of the room.

“They said it will be about an hour.” You told Peter, as you pushed open the door to the bathroom.

“So what do we do til then?” He asked, but you didn’t hear him.

“Jesus, look at the size of that tub.” You exclaimed, and Peter came over to your side to get a look at it too.

“Wow,” He said when his eyes landed on the giant clawfoot tub, “Um we definitely have to use that.”

You turned to face him with a smile.

“Really? You’d wanna do that?” You asked, who knew Peter Parker was a sucker for bubble baths.

“Absolutely. And do they have those big fluffy robes like in the movies?” He asked, excitedly, like a kid on Christmas.

You walked over to the closet and pulled the doors open, revealing two robes as described. You pulled them out and presented them to him.

“Cool...” His eyes lit up as he felt the material between his fingers.

You started to run the water, adding bath salts and bubbles, knowing it would take a while to fill the whole thing. Your things had already been brought to the room before you got there, so you got to work taking off your makeup and letting your now messy hair down.

You tried to reach for your zipper, as your body cried to be released from this skin tight dress.

“Hey Pete,” You called, and he strolled in the bathroom, now only wearing his dress pants and no shirt... and the butterflies were back. God how could he look that good, you stared shamelessly.

“You called?” He smirked, breaking your train of thought.

“Oh um, can you help me with my zipper?” You blushed, knowing you’d been caught.

“Mhm, turn around.” He instructed, before his fingers found the metal pull tab and he slowly worked it down, revealing more and more skin.

“There you go.” He smiled, placing a kiss on your shoulder, his gentle action nearly making you swoon. “I think the water’s ready if you want me to turn off the tap.”

“Yeah, yeah go ahead.” You nodded. You watched him turn off the spout and slip off his dress pants until he was just in his boxers. He folded them and set them aside before looking up to you. You were still holding your dress against your chest to keep it up, as the back gaped open and the thin straps slipped down your arms.

“Do you need help with that?” Peter asked, pointing to your dress, thinking you might need help taking it off. You thought you could manage, but on second thought you might need help. It was a tight dress and your stylist had helped you into it. You only nodded in response as Peter moved behind you. He gently helped you slip your arms through the straps and pulled the fabric down your body. He gave the fabric a quick tug as it struggled to get past your hips. You were now exposed in front of him. The dress was too tight for you to wear any sort of undergarments. He took you in for a moment before shifting his attention respectfully to the red indentations down your side from where the seams of the dress dug into you.

“Does this hurt?” He asked, gently rubbing his fingers down them.

“Not really,” You shook your head. He reached out his hand to help you into the tub without slipping.

You sank into the warm water as Peter dropped his boxers and joined you. Your eyes went wide at the size of him, and you looked away, a blush slowly crept onto your cheeks.

He must have noticed because the next thing you knew, a splash of water was hitting your face. You looked back to him in shock, he was sitting back laughing. You flicked your hand through the water, splashing him back.

You moved to do it again, but he grabbed your wrist, stopping you. You knew it was a good idea, if the two of you started going at it again like in the pillow fight, it would lead to a mess and an expensive clean up bill.

“Do they always book rooms this fancy for the galas?” Peter asked, taking in the room once more.

“I don’t know, this was the first time I’ve accepted it.” You shrugged, following his gaze up to the gold crown molding and chandelier.

“Really? I thought you did this all the time.” Peter assumed.

“No, I don’t make it a habit of jumping into tubs with strange men.” You joked.

“That’s not what I meant, and I’m not a strange man, I’m your boyfriend.” He teased as he pulled you towards him. You chuckled and placed your lips onto his quickly before pulling away.

“Say it again.” You smiled. He furrowed his brows for a moment before smiling.

“I’m... your... boyfriend.” He said slowly, placing a kiss on either cheek between words, his lips landing on yours after his last word.

He now had his arms around your waist, pulling you close as your lips collided. When you broke apart for air, he looked down at the necklace around your neck and smiled.

“This is a dream right? I’m dreaming.” Peter shook his head with a goofy grin, not being able to believe his eyes.

“Does this feel like a dream?” You asked, taking both of his hands and placing them onto your breasts. He responded by crashing his lips onto yours, he groaned against your mouth as he pulled you closer.

“It’s nice to know you dream about me Parker.” You quipped with a smirk as you broke apart for air. He chuckled at your cockiness.

“All the time, baby.” He replied, and the pet name rolled off his tongue before he even realized what he said. God you almost melted at the sound. It was your turn to crash your lips against his and let out a moan as his hand traveled down to squeeze your ass.

A knock at the door pulled you both apart as you stared at each other with wide eyes.

“Room service!” A voice called, causing you both to let out the breath you didn’t know you were holding in.

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

The two of you sat at the dining table, both in your white fluffy robes with nearly dripping wet hair.

“God this is so good.” Peter said, stuffing his mouth.

“Mm, I know, I didn’t realize I was this hungry.” You said, doing the same. Who knew fancy hotels made burgers and fries this good.

You picked up a fry from your plate, waving it at Peter.

“Ready? Catch.” You said as you threw it across the table as Peter caught it in his mouth.

“Ok your turn,” Peter said, tossing one of his. You leaned to the side, nearly missing it, but catching it in your mouth. You thrust your fists in the air in celebration, causing Peter to chuckle.

The two of you ate and talked, before cleaning up.

“Ugh, I’m so full.” You groaned, falling back onto the bed, rubbing your full stomach, causing Peter to laugh.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Peter asked.

“Oo yeah, we should probably get out of these robes though.” You said, moving from the bed, not wanting to get it all wet.

“Here,” Peter said, moving to his duffle bag and tossing you one of his t-shirts. You slipped it on as he slipped on some boxers and hung up your robes. You glanced down at the Midtown Tech logo and smiled. The fabric fell down to the middle of your thigh.

“I like seeing you in my clothes.” Peter smiled as he approached you sitting on the edge of the bed and pulled you into a chaste kiss.

“Cafeul, soon all your sweatshirts are gonna go missing.” You said, making him laugh.

Peter sat with his back against the headboard, and motioned you over to him. You crawled across the bed and laid into his side as he wrapped an arm around your waist, keeping you close. He held the remote in his other hand, scrolling through options on the large screen.

“Have you seen this?” Peter motioned towards the screen.

“That’s my favorite movie.” You chuckled, smiling up at him as he immediately pressed start.

Peter absentmindedly played with your hair as the movie went on. As the credits rolled a few hours later you leaned up to face Peter.

“Thank you for today. As birthdays go, I gotta say this may be my best yet.” You spoke genuinely.

“Well it’s not over yet.” He stated after glancing at the clock on the bedside table.

“It’s not?” You smirk, as he pulls you closer.

“I think we were interrupted earlier.” He said slowly, a blush returning to your cheeks as you remembered the events that took place, or almost took place in the bathtub a few hours earlier.

“I think you’re right.” You whispered back, as you climbed onto his lap as his lips intertwined with yours.

You’ve kissed him before, that wasn’t new, but this time something was different. There was a hunger you couldn’t quite describe. His hands began to roam your body, trying to take in every inch of you. A strong arm wrapped around your waist, lifted you, and laid you down onto the bed as Peter now hovered over you.

You gasped at the sudden movement before smiling as Peter lowered his lips to yours once more.

“Y/N,” He said, making you stop and open your eyes, worriedly. Was he ok? Was this too much?

“I’ve never...” He began, nervously.

“That’s ok Peter, we don’t have to-” You tried to reassure him, but he shook his head.

“I want to, God I want to. I want to make you feel good.” He said, his hand traveling up your shirt and resting on your waist.

“Are you sure?” You asked, not wanting to push him into something he wasn’t ready for.

He nodded, muttering a yes as he brought his lips down to you once more, before pulling away.

“Are you?” He asked, making sure this wasn’t one sided.

“Absolutely.” You smiled, taking in the sight of him above you, reaching up to gently move a curl that was falling onto his face, brushing his hair back with your fingers.

And for the first time in your life, you realized why it was called ‘making love’. As much as the phrase made you cringe. As much as you hated when people said that, that was the only way you could think to describe what you and Peter just did. It was sweet but passionate. Peter was gentle yet ruthless in all the right ways. You figured it out together, through the giggles and moans. And as first times go, it was perfect.

For one night you got to be kids. Of course you were adults, just barely. But the two of you had more weight on your shoulders than most adults would ever have. You had responsibilities, that the safety of the city and the world depended on. But for one night, you got to be normal, you got to be kids. For one night you were free, and you cherished it, because neither of you knew how long it would last.

- - - - - 🕷 - - - - -

Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! 

TAGLIST in Reblog

[ajokeformur-ray]

Some soft and kind smut with our boy Arthur... Cause I was longing for him to be treated kindly AT LEAST ONCE for the whole film :(

you’re all getting well fed today; three Joker imagines in one go! Oof - I’m not even gonna apologise to those of you who don’t like this franchise. I’m having fun and that’s what matters!

Wanna be on the taglist? lemme know!

TW; swearing, actual smut, smoking (Arthur). err… think that’s it?

Also features an actual joke we can see in the journal during one scene, so BEWARE OF SPOILERS. I’ve bolded the joke so you can see.

word count: 2,125 (every time I write a Joker imagine it gets longer).

You had been on the edge of sleep just as Arthur stood up from the bed. You had heard shuffling and then the usual sound of a cigarette being lit and then dragged from. There had been the soft sound of his padding footsteps and the door had clicked shut. He had left you. He was planning on writing some more content, then.

You got out of bed, wanting to be close to him. He only ever really used his joke book when he had serious thoughts that needed to be gotten rid of. Most people didn’t find him funny, but he had such a dark and morbid sense of humour that you couldn’t help but to laugh sometimes. When he was being sarcastic, too, he was hilarious. 

Arthur was sat at the small desk in the corner of the living room, lamps dotted about the place keeping it illuminated well enough for you to see. Distantly could you hear the sounds of Penny snoring, and it made you walk slowly towards Arthur, not wanting to disturb either Fleck.

As you reached Arthur, your arms looped around his shoulders. The poor man jumped and you pressed a hasty kiss to his cheek by way of silent apology. Your eyes scanned the open page of his journal/joke book.

“Why are poor people always so confused? Because they don’t make any cents.” You murmured, making Arthur tilt his head backwards so that he could look at you, his eyes scanning your face for your reaction. You huffed in amusement. “That’s so clever!”

“You really think so?” Arthur’s voice was soft, a more than obvious tone of vulnerability lacing his words. 

You grinned, nodded and squeezed your arms tighter around him, giving him a half hug. “It has a double meaning. It’s amazing!”

Arthur couldn’t say anything, he was too awestruck to do anything other than stare at you. He looked like he wanted to kiss you. Knowing Arthur, though, he wouldn’t dare to ask you if he could kiss you, even though he didn’t have to ask, and so you took it upon yourself to swoop down and claim his lips with your own.

He moaned slightly into the kiss. You smiled and Arthur pulled away from you swiftly. You stepped back, frowned, but before you could feel hurt at what you thought was a rejection, Arthur got out of his chair and stood so close that your chests were pressed together. 

“Do you really find me funny?” His voice was quiet, soft, his eyes pleading.

“I wouldn’t lie to you, especially about your comedy.”

“Thank you, Y/N.”

You smiled. “I love you. I love you so much it hurts.”

“It hurts you to love me?” Arthur frowned and you instantly realised your mistake.

“No!” You almost shouted in your desperation to correct his very wrong assumption that he was so fucked up that it hurt you to love him. “What I mean is that I love you so much it’s like my heart can’t take anymore. I just… I love you.”

“You can’t find the words for it, can you?” Arthur murmured, his eyes shining with tears he was fiercely fighting back. 

“No,” you hummed thoughtfully, “But I could show you. Will you let me show you how much I love you?”

Arthur’s lips were on yours before you could blink.

“Please.” He begged against your mouth, his tongue hot against yours. 

“Bed. Now.”

Arthur chuckled in disbelief, but you were too busy kissing him to reply. An awkward dance ensued of tangled limbs, clothes being discarded without thought and the heat within the room, within your bodies, rising. 

You fell back against the bed, taking Arthur with you. The momentum of the fall brought sobriety to yourself and Arthur, and you reached up to cup his face in your hands.

“I love you so much.”

The only sign you had that he had heard you was a slight softening in his eyes. His lips twitched and you moved your hands down to his shoulders, wrapping your arms around them to hug him to you. You squeezed him as hard you could, wanting to just pour all of your love for him into the gesture.

Arthur dropped his head down to rest in the crook of your neck, using his nose to move some of the larger strands of hair out of his way so that he could decorate your neck with kisses. Your head dropped back of it own accord, giving Arthur more space, and your arms loosened around his neck, though you didn’t release him from your hold. You knew how touch starved he was, how desperately he craved human contact and real communication.

“I never dared to think that I would find someone like you.”

“You’re my everything.” You mumbled in return, leaning up to kiss Arthur once more. The only clothing you each had on were your underclothes. Carefully did you hook your fingers into the waistband of his baggy underwear - he was still so thin despite your best efforts to feed him up a bit - and slide them down his legs. Arthur knelt upon the bed to return the favour. You had had sex together before, but this felt different, somehow. It felt like a revelation.

When at last all material barriers were shed and Arthur had quickly rolled a condom onto his length, he hovered above you, using his elbows to keep the majority of his weight off you. His frame was shaking slightly, and you frowned. Why was he keeping off you? Normally, he delighted in feeling every plane of your bodies align. You shifted your hips, parted your legs a little, and Arthur smiled; it wasn’t much, just a small quirk upwards in the corner, but it was something genuine. You had made him smile. You.

Tears came to your eyes. They didn’t spill over, but you did blink them out of the way. “Oh~,” You sighed. “I love you. I love you, I love you, I lov -”

Arthur’s lips crashed down onto your own, his hands coming up to cup your face as he finally put all of his weight on you. You could feel him lying against your inner thigh, and you shifted your hips. You were growing impatient.

“Arthur, please, just do something.” 

He chuckled, the sound slightly dark, and it sent a thrill up the small of your back. Something in him was changing. By the day was he growing a little more confident, a little more dark, a little more something. You couldn’t say that you weren’t enjoying this new facet of his complex personality, but you also hoped that you would be enough to keep him on this side of the line. Even now, you couldn’t wholly save Arthur. You dashed those thoughts from your mind just as Arthur pushed his way into you. He didn’t go slowly and he didn’t give you time to adjust to him, because he knew that you appreciated that thin, almost indiscernible line between pain and pleasure.

He took his time, making sure that he kept an eye on your body language, the way your breath hitched when he angled his hips just right, the way your eyes tried to stay on his, but ultimately you had to close them, both wanting to get away from the intense feelings he was causing in you, but also wanting to surrender yourself. The loss of sight as you closed your eyes only heightened the feeling of his large hands tracing along your body, as if he was exploring new sensations, the way he was thrusting in and out of you so slowly, his every thought dedicated to you. He cared little about getting himself off, though you knew you could never allow yourself to ever neglect that part of the act. He would get you off, like the gentleman he was, and then you would attend to his needs.

Your relationship involved a lot of give and a lot of take, with both of you trying with all your might to take care of the other. He reminded you to take any medications, to eat something, to drink and to relax. You overworked yourself sometimes, and it always broke his heart a little to see you so tired that you could barely brush your teeth before literally collapsing into bed with a weary sigh. Contrastingly, many a time had you come home to see Arthur battered, bruised and bleeding, and you had had to put your own feelings aside just to patch him up. You always did so with utmost care. Your relationship was one of mutual trust, respect, adoration, care, and love. There was so much love that you both felt for the other that sometimes it was like you could drown in the waves that crashed over you.

Neither of you ever wanted to do without the other.

That thought brought you up.

“Hey, Arthur?”

“Y-yeah?” He grunted, inhaled and exhaled through his teeth. What was so important that it had to be discussed now, with your legs locked tightly around his bony waist?

“Would you marry me?” 

You didn’t have a ring. Not yet. You would get one though. You would.

Arthur stopped mid thrust, buried deep inside you, his beautiful eyes widened and his mouth dropped open slightly. “W-what… What did you say? Surely I heard you wrong.”

You shook your head, squeezing him into you by clenching your legs, and brought your hands up to cup his face. “You heard me. I want to marry you. I was just thinking how much I love you and how much I never want to be without you again so… I don’t have a ring yet but we can go out looking for one tomorrow if yo -”

Lips seized yours and you felt hot tears dot your face. Arthur whimpered into the kiss and, even though he was still buried inside you, you brought him into a hug, cradling him. He started to laugh softly, the sound disbelieving but somehow also genuine, and you felt a wave of gentle heat surround you. Over and again did you manage to bring the true Arthur into light.

You pulled back from the kiss just enough to say, “So that’s a yes?”

Arthur grinned. There was a touch of hysteria to the expression. Again, that something wasn’t too far from the surface. “Make me yours, Y/N.”

Oh, you would. 

It didn’t take long after that for you to achieve your end. With your walls clenching so tightly around him did Arthur find his own release, and you found yourself crying. Again. Would the thought of him ever not make you cry? You hoped not. To not cry would mean that you didn’t care so much, and so you promised yourself to always remember this moment.

“Why are you crying, sweet thing?”

“I love you.” You mumbled, embarrassed, even after all that had occurred tonight. You hoped Penny was still asleep. She slept like the dead, you knew, so there wasn’t much to worry about.

“I love you too. You’re the best thing about this awful place.”

Arthur pulled out of you, leaving you feeling empty, and discarded the condom with a slight grimace on his face. He’d be wanting to get cleaned up. Would that mean he would have to leave the bed? Tonight had been all about you showing him your love for him, and so you got up, your entire  body protesting, and made your way to the bathroom to get a wet flannel. Within thirty seconds were you back with him, the flannel easily cleaning him up. You went back to the bathroom to put the dirty material in the laundry basket, and then attended to your own needs before joining Arthur again.

You slid into bed easily, and Arthur lay so close to you that your shoulders were touching. He didn’t dare to move to wrap you into his embrace, even though you were technically engaged now, so you took it upon yourself. When the time came, you knew that Arthur would do the same for you in spades.

Arthur was the best part of you, and you would never let him so much as doubt that for a second. Just as sleep was beginning to cloud your senses and you felt yourself sinking deeper into the worn mattress, you felt the softest pressure on your forehead, the weight of Arthur’s head lowering onto your stomach, and he said, “Thank you for loving me.”

In the morning, you’d be sure to show him your love. Again and again, over and over would you show Arthur Fleck how much you loved him.

Arthur Fleck/Joker:  @writings-of-a-gen-z @x-avantgarde-x

Wanna be tagged? Let me know!

[enchantedlokii]

It’s Okay

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark

Mentioned: Richard Parker, Mary Parker, Ben Parker, May Parker, Ned Leeds, Michelle Jones, Howard Stark, Maria Stark, Edwin Jarvis

@whumptober2020 Day Eleven: Crying

Peter was used to having bad days. They came often, if he were being completely honest. But he was lucky. Most kids his age who had been through what he had been through would be a lot worse of than he was. After losing his parents and then his uncle. . . He knew that people worried about him. May worried about him. Ned worried about him. Michelle worried about him. Even his teachers seemed to always have an extra eye out for him. Because he was seen as troubled. He was one of the kids they wouldn’t be surprised if he did something horrible to himself or to someone else. Because it would make sense.

The only person who didn’t seem to be so worrisome about him was Mr. Stark. He imagined it was because the man understood. Peter knew about the car accident; that his parents had been killed when he was young. Sure he was older than Peter when it happened, but he still understood in a way that others didn’t.

What Peter didn’t realize was the fact that this meant Tony was able to see right through his facade that he had started to adopt whenever he was upset.

“Hey, Mr. Stark,” Peter greeted as he stepped into the workshop. He was quick as he went to his desk, putting his backpack down beside him. Normally, the two would work on separate projects unless they needed an extra set of hands. “What are we working on today?”

“Hey, Kid,” Tony replied, glancing up over his shoulder. “I left you some papers over there. Was hoping you could take a look at them. Something isn’t coming out quite right and I can’t find it.”

Peter nodded and picked up the stack of papers, taking out a different colored pen and starting to work through them. He huffed as he got stuck, struggling to remember how the particular equation worked. He scribbled out a piece of his work and tried again, hoping it would work out this time and he could move on. He wasn’t really up for complex calculus today. Or anything, really, but he knew that he couldn’t just ditch on Tony. Especially not now.

“You alright, Pete?” Tony asked, causing Peter to freeze. He put his pen down and turned around with a small smile he hoped was convincing.

“I’m alright,” he told him. “Just having a bit of trouble figuring this out.”

Tony raised an eyebrow and Peter knew immediately that the man didn’t believe him. “What’s up, Underoos? I know that look.” His voice was gentle, more so than normal, and his tone made Peter want to tell him the truth, but he knew he couldn’t. Because this was the last person who saw past everything that happened to Peter and just saw him for himself.

“I’m fine, Mr. Stark,” he pressed, forcing his voice to stay even. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re a terrible liar, you know,” Tony pointed out, standing up and moving his seat to be next to Peter. “I won’t force you to talk about it, but I can tell something’s bothering you. It would make me feel better, and would make you feel better whether you believe it or not, if you didn’t keep whatever it is inside.”

“What makes you think that?” Peter asked. He wasn’t sure exactly if he meant the fact that the man knew something was bothering him or that he would feel better opening up, but he was up for an answer to either.

“Because I used to be the same way,” he said with a small shrug. “Still can be, honestly, but I’m working on that. My dad always said that men aren’t supposed to show emotion and I believed him because everyone loved him. I thought that it would make me weak to tell anyone that I was upset, and it. . .” He trailed off, seeming uncertain whether he should continue or not. He cleared his throat and put a hand on Peter’s knee. “Let’s just say it almost didn’t end well, alright? I don’t want you to have to go through the same sh*t I did because you think you can’t talk to someone.”

Peter felt his breath catch in his chest as he guessed at what the implication might mean. He didn’t dare ask, but he had a good idea. “I don’t want to bother you,” he replied finally. “I’ll be fine, really.”

“You could never bother me, Kid.”

Peter shrugged, uncertain. He could feel tears threaten to spill and didn’t dare try to speak in fear his voice might crack. He felt a hand rest on his back and his lip quivered a bit. “Peter, have I ever told you about Jarvis? The real Jarvis?”

Peter glanced up at the question, a bit confused. He shook his head, still not opening his mouth to form a real answer. He could tell from the look in Tony’s eyes that he knew why, but the man didn’t mention it. Instead, he continued speaking.

“When I was growing up, he was around more than my parents were. He was more like a dad to me than my real dad was, really,” he told him. “Still, I was afraid to talk to him about the things that most kids would talk to their dads about. The yucky stuff. Because I thought that all men must think that made us weak. So, when I was upset about something that had happened at school and Jarvis picked me up, I acted like everything was fine. He saw right through it.”

Peter smiled a bit at that. Because it sounded a lot like the situation he was in right now.

“He asked me what was wrong,” Tony continued. “And at first I wouldn’t tell him, but then he told me something that I have never forgotten. Do you want to know what that was?”

Peter nodded slowly. He had a feeling that whatever it was would be enough to send him over the edge. He knew that’s what Tony wanted, too. He wanted him to break, and not with foul intentions. He wanted to help. Peter knew that. He just wasn’t willing to accept help from him.

“He told me that when people care for you, they’re there for you for the good and the bad,” Tony explained. He moved his hand to Peter’s shoulder and gave it a small squeeze. “I’m not going to make you tell me what’s going on. It’s okay if we’re not there yet, but I hope that you’ll tell someone what’s wrong. And I hope you know that you can always talk to me, okay? I care, Peter.”

Peter took a shaky breath and nodded, unable to keep the tears at bay any longer. He let out a small sob and bent over, his body shaking as he started to cry. He was surprised, even after the conversation, when Tony pulled him close, pressing his head against his own chest and rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “Just let it out, Buddy.”

Peter wrapped around him and buried his face into the man’s chest, just above where he knew the arc reactor once was. He found hismelf clinging to his shirt as if he would disappear if he were to let go. “Please don’t leave me,” he whimpered. “Please don’t leave.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Tony promised. “I’m not going anywhere.”

And he didn’t. He stayed there until Peter’s sobs died down and he loosened his vice grip on the man’s shirt. “Feel better now?” he asked, one hand still rested at the base of Peter’s neck.

Peter nodded against his chest. “A-a little,” he admitted. “This probably sounds really dumb, but I-I think maybe I just. . . I let it all build too long.”

“It’s not dumb,” Tony assured him. “It happens sometimes, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s perfectly normal. It’s okay to get worked up and need to let it out. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not.”

Peter sighed and slowly pulled away, glancing down at his feet as he clasped his hands together. “You’re going to worry about me all the time now,” he murmured, bringing a hand up to wipe his tears on his sleeve. “Aren’t you?”

“I’ve always worried about you, Pete,” Tony told him. He must have noticed the way Peter deflated, because he moved a hand to the boy’s chin and lifted it until he looked him in the eyes. Peter would have hated it if it weren’t for the soft expression he gave. “People worry about you because they care about you. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But—”

“No, there’s no buts to it,” Tony interrupted him sternly. “Do you not worry about the people you care about? About May? Your friends?”

“Yeah,” Peter replied quickly. “Of course I do.”

“How is it any different that we worry about you?” he asked gently. When Peter didn’t replied right away, he continued. “I’m going to take a wild guess and say you’re tired of sympathy.”

Peter blinked in surprise. “How do you know that?”

“Because I get it,” Tony shrugged. “You think that people only worry about you because you’re an orphan. Because you’ve lost people you love. Because you’re different than they are. You’ve had it happen so much that it’s hard to know who really cares and who’s just acting. Trust me, Peter. I understand how that feels. I know it sucks. I know you’re worried that people are going to turn their backs on you when you need them most. And I promise you— I swear on my life that I will never do that to you.”

“This isn’t going to change anything?” Peter asked quietly.

“It’s not going to change anything,” Tony confirmed with a reassuring smile. “Except that now you know that you can come to me for anything. I don’t care if it’s something as trivial as a girl not liking you back, I’ll be here to listen. I’m here for the good and the bad, Pete. If you want me to be that person.”

Peter smiled at the implication of his words. He was willing to be the figure in his life that Jarvis had been to him. He told him that Jarvis was like a father to him more than his own father, and he had just openly admitted that he would be that for Peter. He cared for Peter in the way Jarvis had cared for him. He had even, for the first time, given Peter a real hug. He had broken the invisible barrier that they had been playing jump rope with for months.

Carefully, and a bit uncertain still, Peter leaned forward to wrap Tony in another hug. This time, the few tears that escaped him were happy tears. “Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

“Anytime, Kiddo,” Tony replied, hugging him back. “Anytime.”

[v-hope]

Cloud Wine

Pairing: Jeon Jeongguk x International Singer!Reader

Genre: Fluff, Tipsy!Jeongguk

Word Count: 4.2k

Summary: Sometimes a bottle of wine is all you need to let yourself go and have a proper conversation with your crush, especially when language barrier is being nothing but a pain in the ass.

Warnings: Wine drunkenness? And a small comment regarding condoms lol.

A/N: I don't know what this is tbh, but I thought it was cute. I was wine drunk when I started writing it and Guk's wine Vlive had just come out so just bear with me, please. Also, here's how it goes:

"English/Your language".

«Korean».

"I don't know, Nams…" you spoke slowly as your eyes travelled around the set, only to finally lock with Jeongguk's unpleased ones on the other side of it. "I think something happened and he just wants me to stay away…"

"No!" Namjoon was quick to reply, causing your eyes to instinctively draw to him. "He's just... shy" he tried to explain.

"But we used to talk so much over texts" you pointed out, not being able to help the pout already forming on your lips. "We even talked the day before I came to Seoul and everything seemed perfect, and now that we finally get to spend some time together, he plainly avoids me".

A heavy sigh abandoned Joon's mouth, leaning his back up against the wall behind the two of you. He knew about how much you and his maknae talked more than anyone else, for it was mostly him Jeongguk turned to whenever he had both trouble with expressing himself in your language and needed to let his feelings out, because the way you made him feel was truly something he had never experienced before.

Ever since Namjoon had contacted you for a collab a few months ago and you had obviously agreed, it was as if you and Jeongguk had been attached to the hip without even being physically together. What had started out with the two of you wanting to give each other some feedback for the song ending up being so much more.

"Try to see it from his side, Y/N. Texting is… a lot easier" he smiled weakly, "he can take his time and translate whatever he needs to, but in person he doesn't have that. It's hard enough for him to talk to the person he likes, just imagine how hard must it be to, on top of that, have to talk to her in a language he's not fluent in".

Your mouth fell slightly open, as your eyes showed a particular shine he had not seen before. And before he could even ask what had happened, you beat him to it: "The person he likes?"

Namjoon's heart stopped, throwing his head back as realisation hit him, about him having spilled his maknae's secret yet not very subtle crush on you. 

Nonetheless, it was already out there and nothing he said could take it back, so he decided to just go with it. "Why do you think he's been glaring at me the whole time we've been here all alone?"

At that, your heart jumped. "I thought he was glaring at me for some unknown reason…" you admitted with a small voice, lowering your head as you felt the heat reach your cheeks, which Namjoon's laugh didn't help at all.

Shaking his head, he caught a glimpse of Jeongguk once again looking his way with a not very pleased semblance, turning around right as his hyung's eyes locked with his.

"Nope. Definitely glaring at me" he confirmed, making your face go back to his eye level. "Trust me, he's trying so hard to talk to you, but he gets too nervous every time… All these days we've been filming, he's gone back home whining about how he could just not do it".

"Nams, I'm leaving tomorrow…" you sighed, running your hand through your hair out of frustration. Tomorrow. You were leaving the very next day and had not exchanged more than three words with the man you were the most excited to talk to when you signed up to film this music video with all seven of them.

"Maybe you could talk to him?" he proposed after a few seconds.

"Don't you think I've tried?" although a breathy laugh had escaped your mouth, there was not even a hint of humour in it. "He always just… nods and leaves, or something like that".

There it was, silence taking over again as the two of you contemplated your options. Though there was not much thinking on your side, for your stare had once again met Jeongguk's and suddenly nothing else seemed to matter.

"Huh?" you wondered after Namjoon had gently shoved your arm to catch your attention, taking you out of your trance.

"He likes wine…" he let you know, only for your eyebrows to furrow in utter confusion. "You could invite him over to your hotel room and open a bottle…"

"You want me to get him drunk?" you raised one of your eyebrows, not being very fond of that particular idea.

"No, not drunk, or at least not wasted. Just..." he shrugged, "he becomes pretty chatty when he's tipsy… it might be helpful for the two of you".

Biting the inside of your cheek, you thought about it for a second before slowly nodding your head. Maybe he was right, it could help both of you to ease the tension and just let go.

So, you tried to push your previous worries to the back of your head as all eight of you were called to film the next scene for the MV. And, in all honesty, now that you knew Jeongguk liked you, you had kind of started to see what Namjoon had meant. Guk did indeed try to talk to you from time to time, yet ended up chickening out every single time before he could even approach you. 

It was after three intense hours of dancing around, when you all finally wrapped up the music video and everyone was cheering, that you went up to give all of them a quick hug, leaving Jeongguk for the last so that you could take that brief following moment to speak to him. Thankfully, the rest of them understood the message, walking away and giving the two of you some space as Guk's arms remained tightly wrapped around your figure and your face rested against his chest – the warmness of his body making you not ever wanting to let go of him.

"Good job these couple of days" you spoke once your bodies were no longer touching, "I can't wait for the MV to come out".

He smiled wholeheartedly, causing your heart to race at that the sight of that bunny smile you had not gotten the chance to personally witness many times that week. "Yeah, I… can't wait" he said as well.

"Hey, um…" you begun after your eyes had caught a glimpse of Namjoon nodding encouragingly by the other side of the room, "I… I was wondering if you'd maybe…" Jeongguk stared at you expectantly as you tried to find the right words, "maybe you'd like to… hang out for a while tonight?"

"Hang out?" he wondered uncertainly with a cocked eyebrow.

"Yeah" you nodded your head. He knew the meaning of that, right? "We could talk… drink some wine, perhaps?"

This time, both his eyebrows raised at your words – his eyes becoming slightly bigger. Talking and having some wine with you sure sounded like a dream of a time… but it was the talking part the one he couldn't help but feel insecure about. Nevertheless, a voice inside of him was desperately screaming at him not to let this chance go.

And he decided to listen to it right then rather than regret it later.

"Yes" he shyly accepted, giving a quick glance to his members. "With… hyungs?" he asked as his eyes travelled back to you.

"Oh, um…" you shook your head, trying to ignore the way your hands had started to sweat out of nervousness, "I was thinking just the two of us" that was all it took for his heart to go wild. "But if you'd like them to come, too, then–"

"No" he cut you off embarrassingly fast, feeling the heat reach his face in a second, "just… me and you. I like that…" he admitted with now burning cheeks, having to lower his head a little bit in a failed attempt for you not to notice.

You bit your lower lip, looking down as well as you felt those damn butterflies fluttering their wings inside your stomach. "Great" a smile curved up the corners of your lips, being instantly mirrored by his. "I'll go change now and then we can leave".

Jeongguk limited his answer to a nod of his head, watching you leave to the dressing room before he rushed to change as well, not letting pass the opportunity to tell his already well aware hyungs about the miracle that had just happened.

That's how the two of you had ended up almost an hour later inside the grocery store next to your hotel, with your oversized hoodies all the way up and a couple of masks not to get recognised covering half of your faces, as you searched through the liquor aisle for a good brand of wine.

«Oh, this one's really good» Jeongguk spoke to your side, reaching to take one particular dark bottle in his hands as he examined it.

"Huh?" you wondered, leaving the one you had been staring at back on its place before moving closer to him to take a look at his.

"This wine" he said this time in English, focusing his attention on you, "is very good".

"Oh" you smiled this time, feeling slightly bummed about the fact that he tried his best to speak in your language for you to understand yet there you were knowing not even a full sentence in his to save your life. It seemed unfair to him. "We should take it then".

Although he nodded and held the bottle tighter in his hand, his wandering eyes had your eyebrows knitting together in an instant.

"Something wrong?"

Guk shook his head no, tugging at the sleeve of your hoodie to pull you somewhere else with him. "Food" he stated simply, earning a giggle from you that his heart couldn't help but skip a beat at.

Good wine called for good food.

So you were taught when you were back in your hotel room for once and for all, sat on the middle of your bed surrounded by Korean snacks Jeongguk had insisted on you having to try out, watching as he looked around for a corkscrew and laughing under your breath at the sight of him smiling like a child on Christmas after finding one by the bar – taking two glasses with him before rushing to your bed and praying with everything in him for the cork not to break and have him make a fool of himself in front of you as he tried to open it. 

With his prayers being heard and the cork out of the way with a loud 'pop', he proceeded to fill your awaiting glasses with the dark liquor, later clinking them together.

"Cheers!" you chanted, earning a cute little laugh from him as he repeated your words. "How do you say it in Korean?" you wondered before the glass could touch your lips.

"Geonbae" he said in a low, slower voice for you to understand.

"Geon…" you raised one of your eyebrows uncertainly, afraid of messing up the one word you were about to learn.

"Bae" he repeated with loving eyes, finding your current expression rather adorable. "Geon-bae".

"Okay, I got it" you announced, sitting up straight and lifting up your glass for his to touch one more time. "Geonbae, Jeongguk!"

He was the one to giggle this time. "Geonbae, Y/N!"

After the first few sips, you felt the world and everything surrounding you become slower.

After the first glass, everything started to seem funnier.

After the second glass, however, and much to his and your relief, language had suddenly stopped being a barrier – Jeongguk not even caring anymore about his broken English and just going with whatever came out of his mouth, for not only did the alcohol help him a lot in that sense, but he had also discovered you would never either make fun of nor criticise him for it. The only loud, mocking laugh coming out of your mouth being when you tried to speak in Korean as he taught you and you thought your own pronunciation was the worst sound to ever come out of anyone's mouth.

"Okay, I guess I'll just limit my Korean to 'hello' and 'goodbye' whenever I come here for a concert" you lifted your hand up to wipe a tear that was about to roll down your cheek.

"No, that was– cute" Jeongguk reassured you immediately. "Practice…" he held both thumbs up to bring his point across.

"Yeah, I think that's the least I can do if I want to keep talking to you".

He smiled sweetly. «Hopefully you'll be fluent one day and we'll be able to speak in both languages!»

"What?" you wondered, already feeling the corners of your lips starting to curve up at the whole situation you had found yourselves in. 

Jeongguk rolled his eyes, in a failed attempt not to let his smile reach them. "I said, you– um…" he pouted, «hopefully you'll be fluent–» he was interrupted by his own laugh after noticing you were not getting a thing, being matched by your own right after.

"Wait, what?" you managed to blurt out uneasily, both because of the alcohol's effect on you and the endless laugh currently coming out of your mouth.

«Pay attention!» his laugh became louder, trying his best to make it stop so he could take another sip of his wine before giving his words another try. "I'm telling you that" his mouth opened to keep on talking right after that, finding out he did not know how to say the following in English at all, ending up with him naturally switching back to Korean, «if you keep on practicing then we–» his head was thrown back as a cackle left once again at the sight of your puzzled expression, more precisely, at the way your eyebrows remained furrowed while your eyes travelled back and forth from his lips to his eyes as you tried to somehow understand what he was saying.

"Jeongguk, I don't understanddd" you half whined, half chuckled; dragging on the last letter. 

«That only makes it funnier» he confessed in pure amusement, which only increased the way your lower lip had stuck out as you had, obviously, not gotten that either.

"Wait, wait" you laughed once more, reaching for your phone that was for some reason lying on the other edge of the mattress. "Fuck it, we're using technology to communicate".

With that and under Guk's questioning stare, you started looking for an app one of your friends had told you about at some point in during the year, one that translated everything on the spot just by you speaking into your mobile's microphone.

"Okay now" you smiled once it was done downloading, moving your phone close to his mouth. "Speak".

«What am I supposed to say?» Jeongguk wondered immediately, not even a second passing by when a robotic voice was heard in the silence of the room, making the two of you stare at each other with wide eyes and faintly open mouths as your lips parted into a smile of disbelief. «That does not sound like me!» he exclaimed right as you started laughing – said unsettling voice being heard once again.

"No shit, Sherlock" you rolled your eyes in amusement.

Before you could even turn off the app, your words were translated to Korean with that very same male tone, causing Jeongguk to throw his head back, letting out a cackle you had never heard coming from him. Not only did he throw his head back, you realised a second later, but his whole body as well, slumping down on bed while he kept on laughing at such silly thing – good thing his glass was already empty, otherwise you would be getting the scold from the hotel's staff the next day.

"Let's just turn it off" you managed to say in between your own laughter, placing both your glass and your phone on the nightstand next to the bed. "Your voice alone is much more pleasant to listen to".

Now, you didn't know if that had been the alcohol speaking or you just had a moment of confidence, maybe both, but your cheeks didn't wait a second to start burning as soon as you realised what had just came out of your mouth. Jeongguk, on his end, smiled blissfully at the compliment.

Feeling the wine get to your head now more than ever, you let your body fall to his side, staring at the ceiling as the two of you laughed it all out, until your chests stopped trembling and your breathings became even. 

It was then, with silence taking over the room, when Jeongguk closed his eyes, starting to feel them become heavier. But he was not willing to fall asleep just yet.

"Your voice is pretty, too" he slurred; his chest moving up and then down with a loud sigh. "You're pretty…"

You closed your eyes as well, allowing the smile threatening with curving up your lips to take over them. Wetting your lips with your tongue out of habit, you were clueless to Jeongguk's eyes being fixed on them, hungrily staring at them as he instinctively wet his own. "You're very handsome, too" you confessed with what seemed more of a sigh, feeling your body slowly starting to shut down.

This time, he bit down on his lower lip as his eyes took in your every faction. "Y/N?" he mumbled.

"Mm?" you hummed after he said nothing for the next couple of seconds, which lead to yet another brief moment of silence.

Just like that, a pair of cloudlike lips were placed on yours.

Although it had taken you by surprise, you did not open your eyes – if anything enjoying the way his lips trapped your own in them, and how his chest was now resting against yours without really letting his whole weight fall on top of you. 

With one hand pressing down on the mattress next to you, his other one went up to cup your cheek, letting his thumb press over the corner of your mouth to keep you still and allow him to intensify the kiss. It was when his mouth opened ever so lightly to catch your lower lip once again in between it, that something made him snap out of it.

"Sorry" he mumbled when his lips had not even completely withdrawn from yours, looking into your confused eyes for a moment before he let his head fall to the crook of your neck and then slump on his back next to you. "Sorry, I–" he tried to explain himself, pressing his hands to his eyes; like that action alone would make him disappear, «you're just so beautiful and I-I like you so much, and I don't, I don't want to blame it on the alcohol be-because I've wanted to kiss you for so long but, but it sure made me gain up the cour–»

"Jeongguk" you cut him off, because although you did not get a single word of what was coming out of his mouth, you were able to catch on the way he was clearly stuttering, letting you know just how nervous he was feeling right then.

Since you didn't want to let him panic for another single second, you turned around to press your chest against his like he had done mere moments ago. Cupping his face in your hands and smiling under his piercing, uncertain stare, you wasted no time in closing the space between your mouths one more time, knowing you had managed to make all his worries go away when you felt him smile in between the kiss – placing his hand on the back of your neck to pull you even closer.

Not having enough of you, his hand travelled down to your back, firmly pressing on it as he turned both of you around so that he could be back on top and take control. 

It felt perfect; not only the way his mouth moved so tenderly against yours, but also the way the liquor gave his soft lips a bitter taste, yet the natural sweetness that was inherent to them remained there still.

When oxygen was finally something neither of you could no longer ignore, his touch lost yours, letting his forehead rest on yours as the two of you breathed heavily, causing a small smile to form on your swollen lips.

"I'm glad you weren't mad at me after all" you couldn't help but point out with a giggle when absolute silence had taken over the atmosphere. At the way he had dumbfoundedly furrowed his eyebrows, you explained: "You were kind of avoiding me all these days…"

Jeongguk sighed, letting his head fall on your shoulder. "I didn't– I was..." he struggled with his own words, wanting to let you know he was just too nervous to approach you yet not finding the right way to say it. So, he decided to instead just go with: "I like you…"

You bit down on your lower lip, feeling a shiver run down your spine. You knew, for Namjoon had been very explicit about it after all. However, hearing such confession coming out of his very own lips made you feel like you could melt any time by then. 

"I like you, too" you whispered, running your fingers through his already messy hair due to your wandering hands, and then letting out a breathy laugh as you felt his wet lips press to the crook of your neck.

"I'm sorry I… missed time" he apologised, tilting his head back so he could fix his dark chocolate eyes on yours. You nodded understandingly, receiving a light kiss to your lips this time. "I want to, take you... date, tomorrow".

That was it. The figurative melting hitting for once and for all. 

"I would love that" your bright smile got a shy bunny one from him. "We could go for breakfast" you proposed, "before my flight leaves".

Jeongguk nodded gently, trying not to let his mood drop at the fact that you were leaving so soon. "Perfect".

"Perfect" you happily repeated in a whisper.

"I, um…" he cleared his throat, glancing over to his phone laying by one side of the bed before he reached his hand out to it so he could check the time – his heavy eyes opening wide at the sight of such late hour into the night. "I... should leave".

"Oh, um…" you held your weight up with your elbows, "maybe you could stay?" you wondered with a faintly trembling voice at the fear of overstepping some kind of boundary, only becoming more of a nervous wreck under Jeongguk's intense stare. Maybe you had given him the wrong idea. "I mean, it's pretty late" you tried to fix it, "and… I'm trying to say, if you wa–"

As if on queue, not knowing if that had been in your favour or not, the phone he was still holding in his hand started ringing, jolting the both of you up.

«Namjoon-ie hyung» he let you know, rushing to pick it up and press his mobile against his ear.

«Jeongguk-ah, where are you?» Joon wondered as soon as the phone call had been answered.

«Still with Y/N» Guk replied immediately, locking eyes with you as he spoke.

«Oh» Namjoon breathed out. «What time are you coming back?»

Poking his tongue against the inside of his cheek, Jeongguk took a couple of seconds to answer. Soon. That's what he should've said, what he would've said if it weren't for your previous invitation invading his mind – especially when he had you so close to him and your sleepy eyes were calling for him to stay.

"I'm… staying here…" your eyes lit up at the sound of that, at how he had slurred those words out specifically in your language for you to understand, "tonight".

The other end of the line went dead for a while before Namjoon took a deep breath. «Okay… um… I know you didn't take any condoms with you, so please remember to pull o–»

«Hyung» Jeongguk cut him off with crimson coloured cheeks, «it's not like that…»

It was really not. Not with you.

«Oh» Joon breathed out once again. «Have fun then. Be safe».

«I will. We will». 

With that said, he hung up, leaving his phone next to you and staring lovingly into your eyes – one of his hands going up to cup your cheek and running small circles on it with his thumb.

"More wine then?" you proposed with a teasing tone, knowing well enough neither of you could handle any more of it if you wanted to remain in your senses.

That being exactly what was on Guk's mind when he amusedly yet slowly moved his head from one side to another in negation – a smile curving up his lips as they brushed lightly over yours, ready to entirely close the space between them once more. "I want to remember".

The quiet giggle that had came out of your mouth was soon muffled by his lips finally pressing on your own, just the way you could so easily become addicted to.

You'd be damned if either of you ever forgot about this dreamlike night.

[gevejsbvdj]

Fine. Pt 1

Okay. I did NOT want to do this. I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to start something. When I made the announcement post, I thought that would be it. But a lot of you got really angry and reeeeally bitter about it, suspiciously enough. I am actually hoping that after I post this, I get an explanation and an apology. I tried to explain to these people time and time again about how I was hurt by this situation but they refused to listen. So here I am, spelling it the fuck out. Also, this account is dead anyways and i am so tired of keeping this to myself. I can’t do it anymore. 

That’s enough preamble for now, I’ll make more notes at the end. Let’s get onto the “situation” that was the final straw for me and inspired my complete leave. 

For comprehension purposes, this took place in the Crackerbox Palace discord server. 

For a warning, I’m pretty theatrical when stressed. If I joke here I’m sorry. I’m going to hold back on the humor. 

CW: mentions of sexual abuse, pedophilia, racism, and seizures. You have been warned.

It sounds disgustingly simple, but when I joke about this (to myself, because it’s better than crying about it), I say that me having a seizure was the cause of this all. It isn’t really, but- let me explain. 

I was alone, and I was chatting with the people in the server when suddenly- I just felt fucking weird. Initially, I was like “oh what the hell” until I realized that the weird sensation was actually familiar. It’s what people who have seizures call an “aura” or a “ting”, and it’s a numbing, buzzing sensation that’s kind of like an alarm bell that lets your body know what’s about to go down. And I have a habit (you can decide whether it’s good or bad) where I feel like I have to tell anyone around me that I’m going to have a seizure as SOON as I recognize the aura. Well like I said, I was alone. There was no one physically around me that I could tell, but I already had the chat open, fingers on my keyboard, I typed: I think I’m gonna have a seizure. Something like that. And I did. Don’t worry, I’m fine now. The older I get, the less extreme my seizures are for the most part. I got a splitting headache for the next two days, but we’re getting it checked out! This is only context for what happened next. 

After that happened I eventually came to and as soon as my senses were recollected and my memory came back, I felt so embarrassed that I told my friends who I thought were super cool that I had a SEIZURE. But I noticed that Ley and Emma (in their genuine concern) were discussing seizures and how dangerous they could be, and was wondering if I was okay. I was honestly so relieved they weren’t laughing or anything like that. Vulture then responded saying “hey can you censor the word seizure, it’s a trigger.”, and so Ley and Emma did so. I was confused by this because I thought Vulture was saying it’s MY (me, a person who has them regularly) trigger, or that they were saying it was a trigger in general? I soon found out that it was a term on our “blacklist”, which makes sense.

So In our server, we had a channel (the prior mentioned blacklist channel) where people can suggest words and phrases to avoid. Phrases/topics that make you very uncomfortable, triggering, etc. Someone suggested that the name “Zack” be blacklisted because it’s the name of someone that manipulated them. And no, not Zach like me Zach, but Z-A-C-K, you know? Anyways, sometimes the sheltered southerner in me jumps out, and someone asking for that name to be blacklisted rocked my world! Even more so that the admins I worked with were willing to blacklist it. I thought, wait all this time I could have asked you all to blacklist a NAME that upsets me? I didn’t know I could do that. Never have I ever been in an environment where something like a name could be avoided to ensure my comfort. While THAT was what I was thinking, when I went to type it in the chat, it did not come off that way to vulture. Here’s what I said:

Vulture took what I said wrong, which is totally fair. Words fail me as they do everyone else, and looking back, I could have done better in explaining what I felt. I’m not blaming them for the misunderstanding, and I'm not even blaming me that much. It happens, man. But what got to me, was them accusing me of belittling or more so INVALIDATING the trigger. Me, someone actually has seizures, invalidating someone being triggered by them. Okay. Here was my response:

My response was unnecessarily snarky and I am still sorry for that. I thought I got better at thinking before speaking but it’s evident that it’s still something I need to work on. However, like I said I’ve never been one to accept it when someone’s trying to have an attitude with me. And no I’ll be the first to say that Vulture wasn’t explicitly rude to me, but I was gobsmacked that someone was trying to tell me how traumatic seizures are and accused me of invalidating them after I just said that I have them frequently. And that even after I explained what I meant, I was still met with an accusing response. Can you imagine if I went up to a homeless man and said “you have no right to invalidate my trauma with homelessness. I read matchbox girl.” Like okay? Also, yes that mod chat had a history with taking everything I said as aggressive or belligerent, hence my telling them to stop that. I was always met with a dismissive and antagonistic response. Remember that. I will get back to that. 

Because of Vulture’s immature response, I removed them as chat admin. Do I regret it? Halfway, yes. I should have pulled them to the side and spoke with them about what they did. But looking back on that, after seeing the things they’ve posted today? It’s probably for the best that they weren’t a part of the admin team. 

Andy (also known as shadowylemon here) and Cody are partners who also helped me run the server. They were admins,obviously. Andy asked me why I removed Vulture as Admin. I explained to him why, very civilly with the help of one of my friends because my response almost WASN'T. And to be frank, I ignored most of what he said because again I was being made to be the evil villain and I wasn’t being heard. So I ignored him. Also I was on a call so I wasn’t going to break my brain listening to ten people at once. I was so tired, my seizure happened like only a couple days prior and my head was still affected. 

I mulled over that whole ordeal for a bit until me and my friend (the same friend I mentioned earlier, who helped me with my response to Andy. Lenny. He also helped me mod there and was the original co-founder of the server) came to the conclusion that the mods were too young. We need an age limit. So I told them, like “hey you guys are fine for now but I think that in the future, we should start having the mods be older”.

 At this point I’m super careful with the way I word things. I’m always like that to be honest, as a black (visual-wise, a female) female you learn real quick that you’re the angry one in every situation unless you learn to talk super duper civil. But I didnt think I had to be that way in THAT server, you know? I thought I was safe there. Apparently not. Anyway-

I was met with, again, an aggravated “how dare you” type response from Cody. Which was okay with me, still is. When you work with someone in a group, you’re not going to agree with them all the time. So we were having a pretty civil, short lived back and forth until I mentioned that we tone it down on blacklisting every word. I suggested earlier to blacklist the word “blue” to see how far they would take it and they literally blacklisted it. I didn’t get to say this then, but I’m actually against over censoring, even if it’s supposedly for someone’s mental health. I have ADHD, RSD, on the damn spectrum, all that good stuff, so don’t come for me. But if you’re wanting to avoid words like blue, or a very common name, that is not my responsibility. That is your therapist. The server had people in there who- well English wasn’t their first language, and adding more barriers to their language is, I feel, very inconsiderate.

 Cody started to threaten to delete the blacklisting channel all together and was acting really panicky. AGAIN (if I can find the screenshots, I will share) I was met with a very victimizing, whiny response. Like come on now. I told them to please do not make me the aggressor or I will leave.

No response. 

So the rest of us were just getting ready to start a call and play some games until we noticed something. 

Channels, titles and colors, and nearly everything was being deleted. 

By who? Andy and Cody. This is just one screenshot. I wouldn’t include what’s over ten i have saved on my phone.

I was afraid that they got hacked and was being made to delete them. Until I thought “wait...it’s funny how they’re the only mods that are being ‘hacked’ while the rest of us were left alone. RIGHT after I just had a disagreement with them. Oh my god is this a tantrum.” The server then echoed my concerns. Please don’t be a tantrum. We noticed they left and so I dmed Andy. I said “Why” and he blocked me. That confirmed that it was indeed a tantrum. A tantrum because I IMPLIED that they were being micro aggressive towards me. Alright. 

Me and the server joined a sort of conference call where we discussed what happened and they asked me questions as well as talked about what our next move was. At the time, I thought I was being dramatic because my breathing was super labored, and my face was super hot, and my heart was pounding. I was furious. There was a tiny voice telling me that ‘hey, you’re mad because after you told them that you were uncomfortable and upset with them treating you like an unhinged angry person, they did all this shit’ but I ignored it. 

That is a common theme with me. I know a lot of you think I’m using my race as a weapon and that I call everything racist, but I HATE calling things racial discrimination for that exact reason. I don’t wanna look sensitive, or get called a snowflake. I honestly used to be a self-loathing black person, and you could hurl slurs at my face and I’ll excuse it. My friend group in the 9th grade was mainly racist white people. I’m so glad I grew out of that nonsense but damn some of that toxic mentality stuck with me to the point I never wanted to acknowledge when someone was biased against me. 

I mean, how could it be any more clear? Do I think that Andy and Cody are racist? Of. Course. Not. I think that’s why a lot of you got so mad at me when you realized that what you did was microaggressions rooted in racial bias. Because you thought I was calling you a RACIST.  I’ve had white people who will march with me during protests say and some really off-putting shit the next day. You can be an ally and make mistakes. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. None of us is. You have to allow yourself to make errors, and be confronted. Running away cursing and kicking rocks just tells me that you don’t want to listen to black people. 

But anyway, we attempted to move on from the childish ordeal and I enlisted the help of new people to help me mod since we were short two, and could have used the help anyway. 

We were doing alright, really. One day, though, Joane messaged me saying that Vulture wanted to apologize and wanted to talk. And I was like great now's the perfect time to talk to them like I should have the first time, but wrongly didn’t. So I told Joane to dm me. 

Well, Joane sent me a screenshot of some of hers and Vultures conversation.

As you can see I initially did feel willing to apologize and speak to vulture. Because like I said earlier, my snarky response was UNNECESSARY. However, Joane joining in the discussion with her “I can’t understand him which frustrates me lmao” peeved me. As did Vulture acting like I’m unhinged. While I didn’t need to make the “imma blacklist lmao and lol since it bothers you so much” comment at ALL, it wasn’t that deep….at all. Vulture has a habit of virtue signalling too. Their comment “I’m patient and forgiving” is an example. 

While I was annoyed initially, I soon felt pretty hurt that Joane would say that about me behind my back? It made me wonder if there was more she didn’t show me. Joane was a really good friend and I loved her a lot so I was extra sensitive about it. I’ve never spoken ill about her behind her back. 

Now, this is a recurring theme in this post but let me say now: I am aware that no one is OBLIGATED to treat me a certain way because I was nice to them. Of course not. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt? Talking negatively about someone isn’t a problem, but having them think you’re their friend while doing so is. You know? It’s very deceiving, but in Joane’s case, only slightly deceiving. 

So I just didn’t speak to her for a bit. I was already annoyed at having to re-build my server because of a couple of teenagers having a tantrum, as well as things that were happening in my personal life. Also, the news was no damn help at all, you all know. But I didn’t speak to her for the rest of the day and I...I hated it haha. I don’t like avoiding people when I’m frustrated, and after I saw what happened with Vulture when I did the same thing, I should know better. Plus I felt bad. Joane was still a friend, and I wanted to get to the bottom of things. 

I’m not going to include every little screenshot and whatnot, but I messaged her like hey what’s up let’s finish our discussion. Because I thought that at that point, I had my head screwed on a bit better. 

During our discussion, I eventually showed Joane me and vultures conversation, and she acted astonished that Vulture didn’t show her all the context, and even said that they were being irrational. This was after I told her that after everything Andy and Cody did, they made a server with Vulture to which she informed me that she was aware, and she was invited. Honestly, at the time I didn’t think vulture was being irrational. While I said it’s no excuse, PTSD can make us say and do pretty wild things, and calling someone like that irrational feel like ableist language. 

So me and Joane had a little moment. I apologized to her, and she apologized to me.

I was sure that after we both had our respective breaks, that we would be good to continue our friendship like normal. Just a bump in the road. It happens

That was until I got a certain anon from Vulture. 

She asked me why we were done, but when I went to ask her “what in the world did you say to them” she blocked me.

Sorry I keep showing me messaging them, I just don’t wanna get lied to or something again. 

I was really sad about that. I went to bed, and when I woke up, I was still sad. Joane was telling me one thing, and Vulture another thing. She was changing her opinion on a person depending on who she was talking to. It was dizzying and disingenuous and I didn’t even get to talk it out with her because she blocked me. Which was really suspicious. She told me that she would be taking a break from the server and that she still respected me as a friend, but went to vulture and told them that I treated her like SHIT, or at least acted enough like a victim to make them accuse me of that. I’m sorry, but where in the world did I do that? If me confessing to someone that they hurt me is the same thing as treating them like shit, then fuck man a lot of us are assholes. 

Wow, look at me treat her like shit. Absolute garbage right?

I wasn’t even being completely honest to Joane about my feelings for that reason. Because of accusations like this. Another instance of someone taking literally me being normal and civil as being AGGRESSIVE. Vulture, I’m sorry for accusing you of utilizing white girl tears. I accused the wrong person. But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. 

I went to our #vent channel on the server and told whoever was online and whoever was listening about the whole ordeal, and how HURT I felt because I was literally played by this girl. And I was accused of basically being abusive. Treated her like shit? Cmon man…

But another user in the server, as it turns out, had a similar experience with Joane, and provide in-depth screenshots. Which made me even madder, so we kept venting about the situation. 

Also, because of a couple of dms, and because the more I ranted, the more pained I got, I felt compelled to say the following, NOW LISTEN CLOSELY:

I first prefaced my concerns by saying “I AM BY NO MEANS CALLING JOANE A GROOMER”. That was fucking useless of me to say because- okay I’m getting ahead of myself. 

So I was saying (and in hindsight, I shouldn’t have. I know. But like I said, it was in the heat of the moment and I got a dm that made me feel bad) that it was strange how as soon as someone young and innocent was present, Joane would cling to them in an obsessive way. I’m not the only one who noticed that, and even one of the younger users in question agreed to my statement. 

Listen fucking closely. I don’t think Joane is a sexual predator at ALL. That’s why I had that warning before I said anything in the chat. I do, though, think that if you’re a grown adult and you’re obsessed with being friends with people who are as young as 14, that it’s concerning, not in a sexual way, but in a power dynamic way. I’m only 19 and I honestly don’t get older people who become besties with much younger people. I was “friends” with the users as well, but I was a mentor/brother/dad more than anything. Do you understand? When I was 15, I’ve had people who were 20 and older become my friend and dump their adult problems onto me, as well as expect adult reactions and responses out of me. It was stressful and damaging and I did not want that happening to anyone else, especially the younger people in the chat. Okay? Okay. 

That being said, my protectiveness is a major flaw of mine. Oh my god, do I take it too far sometimes, man. I didn’t want really young teenagers (13-16) to have a serious relationship with an adult because of what happened to me, and I didn’t want Joane to play and hurt anyone else the way she did me and my other friend. So I went into the announcements channel and told the users to read what we’ve been saying in regard to Joane and come up with your own decision. I did not have to do that, I can sit here and say that the things that transpired the past few days really took a toll on me whatever blah blah blah. But I could have kept it in vent, really. And the dumb thing is, that before I sent that message in announcements, I was literally telling myself that THIS is a bad idea. GOD, Zach. But I was at work, it was the last day before holidays started, and I was feeling super protective and I wasn’t thinking and- well yeah. 

During all of this, I was having a conversation with vulture in Tumblr dms. I gathered the courage to finally dm them after receiving the anon. That conversation was on my old Tumblr, so I don’t have a screenshot of the key points, but I typed my starting message in notes, and this is what I said:

“Hi vulture. I don’t want to be here for long but I just wanna ask: why? You accused me of invalidating a trigger and even after I told you that’s not what I meant you still went off on me? You’re mad at me about an inaccurate perception and it really upset me. I’ve been terrified of talking to you specifically because I’ve been dealing with micro aggressions from you, Andy, and Cody and it’s really been wearing me down. And when I told Andy and Cody about their treatment of me, they deleted shit from my server and leave? How do you think that makes me feel as a black person? Makes me never want to talk about my feelings ever again out of the fear of being antagonized. I’m sorry I was snarky towards you, if you didn’t like my remark about “lmao” and “lol”. I agree it was immature. But don’t forget you came at me first. If you’re willing to further discuss this with me then great, which I am sure you are seeing that you asked me to on anon. I finally gathered the courage to contact you so let’s do this.”

We had a brief conversation. Vulture dismissing my microaggressions concerns but really- it happens so much that at that point I was so numb to it. Also a little bit “it’s not about your race. Remember when I…” more virtue signalling. Bleh. But after all, I did thank them for actually wanting to talk to me. Andy didn’t wanna do it. Cody didn’t wanna do it. Joane didn’t want to. Vulture did. And I appreciate that to this day, after everything. I can always admire that about someone. 

It ended prematurely because of me. I was at work and got distracted by that as well as by what happened in the server next. 

Emma sent a pretty long message basically calling all of us out for “bullying Joane” and talking ill of her behind her back, as well as announcing that she would be leaving the server and that we should all be ashamed of ourselves. This was right after someone confessed that Joane made him feel uncomfortable with constant flirting. I admitted that I should not have put the message In announcements, but guys.

I went off. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was sick of trying to be docile and sweet. I didn’t care if I would be portrayed as the angry black again I DID NOT CARE. Bullying Joane? Me talking about how she hurt me is bullying? Let’s look up what that means. 

Yeah okay. That’s incorrect usage, right? I didn’t even call Joane names. I didn’t persistently harass her. I spoke about what she did to me in distaste, but I was done with her as a friend at that point, and she knew that, so was not going behind her back. I wasn’t being predatory towards her. And I definitely wasn’t being AGGRESSIVE or BLUSTERING. Emma was using broad pronouns and terms (you guys, you all, etc) but I knew she was talking about me, as I was the most prominent in my venting about Joane due to my situation with her happening just yesterday. I sent the most messages, I- while wrong in doing so- posted the announcements. That message primarily was directed towards me. When I say that microaggressions tear you down, it tears you THE FUCK down. 

That being said, I did cuss Emma out (she wasn’t present when I went off, but still) and cussed out everyone who agreed with her. I was so blinded by rage and hurt I don’t even remember at all what I said. One line that sticks out to me though is “y’all saw a white girl crying and thought oh man we can’t have that” and that’s a mantra I’ve repeated a couple of times when I find myself in scenarios such as this one. 

But- I do regret going off like that. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t justified slightly, though. I don’t expect any of you to understand completely what I went through, but please try. I regret going off like that, though. And I’m sorry. 

I guess I was also upset because I was JUST in a good mood? I was literally singing to myself all happy and shit, but Emma’s inconsiderate message threw me off. It’s making me even more upset now that I know why she said that. She wasn’t the only person to tell me I should be ashamed of myself for manipulating (yes, MANIPULATING) Joane. 

I dmed Emma in an attempt to fix things, but i gave up quickly. I was too raw with emotions anyways. So I mournfully told her that we probably should’t be friends anymore, to which she responded

Carelessly?...ouch.

From the moment Joane dmed me about Vulture, and the moment Emma sent that message, all of that transpired within three days. Three fucking days and THAT much happened. It was taking a toll on me, that’s not even counting Andy and Cody’s tantrum. 

I was in a dark place, still am. I made a post saying that I was going to take a break from Tumblr and then made one saying that I was going to kill myself in the tags. Not exclusively because of all this, of course. So. Much. Bullshit. Happens to me on a daily basis. Abusive parents. Sexual assault. Racism that’s actually violent. Dying relatives. So much. I’m crying as I type this it’s just so much. In real life, I have no friends. Not even fake acquaintances. Yes, I cut off all those people because they were extremely toxic, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have literally no one. That server was my escape. Parents fighting? Open discord. Mental spiral? Discord is there. Just had a seizure? Don’t worry, you have friends. And now I don’t. And all because of some dumb shit that wouldn’t probably have happened if two kids didn’t get mad at ME because THEY were ignorant. I know it’s not good to rely on a server to improve your mental health, but I couldn’t help it. I was desperate. And I really did think so highly of everyone in that chat. I loved them.

I received a couple asks that night saying that I don’t have to hurt myself, I’m loved, all that. Very kind messages. And right when I was going to delete the post (I was so embarrassed for posting it), I got a message from ley that read something like “I don’t agree with what you said at ALL but that doesn’t mean I want you to kill yourself or leave” something along those lines. I thought, really? You couldn’t just say you didn’t want me to leave and have it at that? 

I really don’t want to make it seem like I posted something so graphic for attention, man. I can’t stand that manipulation tactic and I don’t want that harmful stigma about suicidal people to be encouraged. 

But Ley’s message threw me off. Agree with what I...huh? Then it pissed me off

So I deleted my account. And fell off the face of the earth for 15 days. 

[whitewolfbumble]

The Fallout - Part Twenty-One (Bucky x Reader)

Summary: You had been a ghost for years, taking down the bad guys from the shadows that had once enslaved you. That is until the Avengers finally caught up with you and yet again your life changed. But your past won’t stay dead and everything starts to shift when a familiar face joins the ranks: Bucky Barnes. He may not remember you, but you certainly remember him.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Slow burn, language, fighting, blood, heartbreak, call back to rape threat, pain, just all the things!

Word Count: About 4k

A/N: Couple things to know! We are throwing back to Part Fifteen and have a call back to Part Four because I’ve been playing the long game here people! Secondly, this is The Scene for me. This was the first scene I thought of six months ago that started this whole story. The story evolved over time (while in my mind this scene didn’t) so there’s this huge conflict in me between what this story is vs. how I had imagined this part to play out. I thought I would be able to write and post this chapter immediately because I’ve lived with it so long. Not at all the case. I ended up drastically changing this (after multiple rewrites) from the original idea and I would appreciate all the validation you can give lol!

MY MASTERLIST // THE FALLOUT MASTERLIST // PART TWENTY

There had been a protocol in place, long since established, aptly named the “Rogue Protocol”. It was an order implemented by the Team’s A.I. on command for protection, and today it would be the protocol that ended them.

Let’s say someone turned to the dark side. Let’s imagine they went full evil in the darkest timeline, hell bent on causing damage to the Avengers. It certainly was possible by say Loki’s sceptre, or perhaps Hydra’s triggering, or any number of evils that lurked and thrived in this world. But Jacosta was there just in case of this.

With a word from the Avengers the A.I. would completely erase all access a user had. They would not be allowed near the home base or any safe houses. They would be shut off from any and all Avenger intel or information. Security access would be stripped. Comm lines scrambled and changed. Even their face and name and details sent out to every government and secret security organization around the world in warning. A total and complete shut out.

Simple and efficient.

And clearly, as you had shown, necessary.

But on the eve of one Hydra-baiting party, there had been a change to this protocol. And it had gone rather unnoticed:

“Well not exactly.” Tony typed something into his tablet before tapping it on seemingly nothing in the air.

Immediately a hologram pulled up in the centre of the room in front of you. It looked like a ball of light and squiggles, all in a luminous purple glow. They moved and flowed in the space with an intricate pattern you saw but couldn’t predict. Again, this tech was too advanced for you, so you waited for him to continue.

“This is Jacosta, who’s been parading around as F.R.I.D.A.Y. since the whole Vier Gliedmaßen thing. There was a line in Fri’s programming that was altered. Corrupted. They got their hands on my tech somehow and got in. But’s that my mission to solve, not yours.”

He looked at you with a tight smile at that. You knew he had been wracked with guilt since the day The Black showed up. And then when he berated you for killing them, using his cutting remarks as some sick test. Then when the comms went down at Vier Gliedmaßen, causing you to dive in headlong after Bucky. So yeah, he had a little bit of a tough go lately.

You just hoped this party wasn’t going to add to that growing list…

“I don’t blame you for The Black or Hydra getting in.” you said, your heart too over-run with emotions to keep a grudge in there too anymore. “Tech or no, we relied on each other and we got out alive. Now we know more about what we’re dealing with.”

“Yeah, a suped-up Hydra. Gone are the days of rudimentary one-man subs and goofy lasers huh.”

“You’ll figure it out Tony,” you reassured, seeing through his muted free-falling self-esteem. He put on a good show but he wasn’t as haughty as others might think. Not always.

“Though I might just take a closer look at Jacosta sometime. Just in case.”

“Permission granted,” he said with a small smile. After those previous debacles, you doubted he would deny that request.

So later that day you waited, anxiety and vulnerablity setting into your bones. It drilled deeper into you with every minute, not having felt this way in half a century. Because yes, despite your glossing over it at the time, Tony’s tech and procedures had failed you. And yes, your mind had been wiped by your worst and most intimate enemy, ripping away your ability to fight and defend yourself. So now it felt like you were staring down a barrel of a gun.

The threat of Hydra, of torture, and worst of all becoming the Siren again had you more than rattled. It had you sick to your stomach you were so terrified. Not even the quarter drunk bottle of whiskey you had been working on quelled that feeling yet, though you had no intention of stopping until that bottle was completely empty.

That night you were being forced out into a situation you thought you couldn’t reasonably win, if it really came down to it.

And it wasn’t because you didn’t have the support and protection of your Team. You did, certainly, and knew they would go to any lengths to protect you. But without your fighting ability at full strength (you were basically as useful as a puppy in a fight) you just felt helpless, the feeling foreign and infuriating.

Last time Hydra came to the Tower they had done so by way of siccing The Black on you. You had been caught on the wrong side of a locked door, forced to pretend you weren’t fucking dying inside as they pinned you to the ground, outnumbered thirteen to one. You could only wait for your team members to show after a purposely devised pointless mission, desperately needing to know they hadn’t fallen into a trap themselves before making your move. 

In those hours you had to shut off every emotion, kneeling there on the floor as Steve and Bucky came into view, faces dropping in horror as the situation sunk in. You watched their anger and hidden panic as a glass wall and locked door kept you apart, listening to the threats of the leader and snake, Frenz. And worst of all you had to see the look of disgust in Bucky’s eyes as you killed every single one of the thirteen men that were there to rape and kill you. And you had to watch your revolted friends stand there numbly as you cleaned up after it.

And that night, of all decisions to make, Tony and the Team had practically invited Hydra back into your home. They had proved they had the means to enter and infiltrate before, why wouldn’t they do it now, when that you were weakened? Unable to put up much of a fight?

But with two simple words, Tony had given you permission to check into Jacosta’s programming. To alter it. Or override it if need be. You had complete and full admin access, rivalled only by Tony.

If the situation came down to it again, and they locked you away from your friends and protection- from your now only means of survival- you had to find another way to win.

So, you gave yourself permission to unlock any door.

Simple. Basic. Mostly used to calm the rattling inside you and give you enough courage to face that night.

In doing so, you had to completely removed any protocol restrictions or barriers blocking you, so no matter were you found yourself, you had a means of escape. It over-rid everything, permanently, unless specifically altered after the fact. Right down to the Rogue Protocol.

Now, Jacosta was new and learning, which was an advantage to you, the Siren. You bet your freedom that Tony wouldn’t go digging into the Rogue Protocal too deeply, trusting the system he had created without checking the alterations done at its base programming before starting it up once Hydra took you. It was buried and rooted behind walls of security, and only one soul had access it. 

Well, two at one point. But that was enough.

There was always a massive probability that the system would right itself or Tony would find it before you even got here. You knew this plan was a fucking longshot from the get go. A lot of oversight was needed for this to work.

But if it hadn’t, you would still found another way. You would’ve waited until a team member got to close to your little prison and snapped their neck. Or you would have slit your throat and held a doctor hostage. Maybe started a fire with sparks from your metal hand somehow. Or perhaps you would have slowly faked returning back to your original self, building trust and using that against them. Regardless, you would have found a way to cause pain and eventually figure another way to freedom.

But this was much better.

You had used this simple alteration for your own protection at one time. But now you were using it for escape.

And by some dark miracle, it fucking worked.

“Jacosta,” you said calmly. “Open the cell doors.”

No one outside your cell moved or made a sound, not actually believing that the A.I. would listen to your calmly stated command. Even as the door swung open on its hinges, everyone was still, not immediately believing what they were seeing.

The air seemed fresher, lights brighter, and vision clearer as you placed one foot in front of the other beyond the threshhold and into freedom.

“Now,” you said, arms out and eyes as black and cold as space, voice not much warmer. “Let’s play.”

Your immediate craving was Bucky, looking to him with hunger in your gaze, but the man was motionless, having stumbled back in confusion as you opened up your little prison. Even as horror turned to rage he stood there shocked still. You were loose in the world again- in his world- and you were going to burn it to the fucking ground. You could almost see flashes of the horrors you had committed in the past months in the blue of this eyes, of what burning fire you could reign down now that you were free again. On the world. On the Team. On him. And it would be his fault all over again.

So it wasn’t Bucky- who never had a love of fighting- that got this party started, but actually Sam.

He had come in at Bucky’s call just before your escape, hanging back as you commanded their precious A.I. to betray them. But now he bolted down the hall, emotions kicked aside and military training kicking into high gear. You were an enemy and you needed to go down, and, like the friend he was, wasn’t going to make your ex-love try it first.

You sized up your competition as the ex-vet sprinted towards you, muscles tense, thoughts of his own safety or odds abandoned, dark green shirt unstained with sweat or blood.

You would have to change that.

He knew he would have to come at you with some serious power and force, and the man did.

Always having favoured his fists, he ran right up to you trying to use his momentum to try and force you back into your cell, throwing punches with force and precision. You blocked one hit with your forearm, then the next in quick succession with your elbow, then the next with your arm again. All the while you watched him half-amused, easily tracking his movements. He was a military man with practiced movements and you had taken down thousands of those in your time.

A knee came up hard to your ribs to try and pushed you back, but your fist swung down hard on his knee before the other one swung up at his jaw. Throwing your metal fist with some serious might, you heard an audible crack as you made contact with the quick one-two punch. It sent him up in the air before smacking down on the ground, face in shock as his breath wouldn’t come but the pain certainly did.

Before he had even hit the ground you were running to him, foot raised to stomp down on his neck and the life out of him, when Bucky finally broke through his shock and made his decision to take you down.

He launched at you mid-stomp, his momentum crashing into yours, grabbing around your waist and sending you both flying to the side. Both his and your metal hands scrapped along the floor, shrieking and spraying sparks as you went careening into the wall with bone crushing speed.

The white lights above you cut out and turned to blue flashing lights lining the hall, signalling your breakout.

You ignored them easily as immediately after crashing against the wall you brought up your knees to the groin and stomach of the hulking wall of muscle pinning you, twisting your body to get loose of Bucky’s grip around your middle. You managed to end up with his hips between your thighs as he lay on briefly on his stomach, your hand grasping his neck and wrist. But his elbow cracked up and connected with your face with such force you were thrown clean off him, sent skidding back to the floor with a shower of blood exploding off your face.

You flipped back into a roll instantly to stand, ignoring your bloodied face as he came at you again.

Bucky, furious and far more unhinged than the Soldier had ever fought, did not pull his punches as he swung, forcing power behind his swinging arms and fists. It was wild and abandoned and full of pain, but you were prepared for this.

He was a tank, that much you knew from long years together. But you had power too. And speed. And ingenuity. Plus a drug-adrenalin combination that made you all but oblivious to the pain. He just had brute strength and a broken heart.

Swinging in broadly he tried to push you back, but you weren’t willing to lose ground. Dodging and blocking you grabbed his metal fist sharply with yours, and jumped straight up, twisting your leg around to kick him square in the chest.

It was his turn to go flying back, sparks flying again in the blue flashing room. You immediately dove on him to keep your upper hand in the fight, punching over and over, drawing blood and causing his body to thrash around under the force of your fists.

But he got hold of you, clutching your wrists hard threw his head into your face before flipping you over so you were on the ground and he was looming over you, you lungs sputtering with the blood you swallowed.

He pinned you, wrists held tightly in his hands: your metal hand to his metal hand, your flesh hand to his. His hair hung down, brushing your face, and it was unable to hide his burning eyes or anger curled lip. He hated this situation, hated fighting you, hated hurting you.

His body was hovering directly above you, and you would take any advantage where you could get it.

He expected you to keep fighting or to struggle as he held you fast underneath his body pinned to the floor, feet hooking yours in place to keep you from kicking free. But you didn’t even try.

Lifting off several inches from the floor, your hips ground into his hips, then followed the rest of your body in a smooth slow roll, pressing your abdomen, chest, shoulders, and face right against him.

You purred into his corner of his mouth, lips vibrating against the edges of his with the sound.

“I just knew you wanted to pin me down.” you teased seductively. “Knew you wanted to feel what it was like to have me pressed against you again.” 

At that Bucky threw himself off of you, releasing you as he tried to step back, face contorted. But before he could fully move off of you, your hands briefly freed, you twisted to the side so you could get your arm up around to the back of his neck. You slammed him down to the ground, his face hitting the floor with a crack.

For the first time in minutes, everything stilled as silence hung in the hall. 

Pushing him off, you got up and briefly looked down the man at your feet. You could have killed him, and if you were any other one of Hydra’s agent, you probably would have. But you weren’t a creature whose priority was merely efficiency like the Soldier had been. You had only barely begun torturing Bucky, and to kill him now would have been much too quick. Much better than he deserved.

This Bucky had been far too emotional. The Solider wouldn’t have made such a mistake. The man in front of you was far too human.

Quite unlike you at the moment.

Now, with no bodies between you and the door, you rolled your shoulders with a smile as a jolt of euphoria snaked through you, leaving the two poor things to bleed behind you.

Under the blue flashing light, you knew that someone else must have set them off as you set off down to the end of the hall. There was a small chance it was the A.I. but you doubted it. You could feel it in your bones, another presense lurking somewhere in this vast compound.

You sauntered up to the security panel on the wall by the door, absently wiping the blood still flowing from your face. It misted off your metal fist as it slammed into that panel, breaking it open. You ripped out the wires and sparks flew, igniting the little box into small flickers then full flames. You ripped off your hoodie and shoved it in there, fabric catching and beginning to smoke then be licked at by orange flames.

After a moment a loud siren rang out, repeating every few seconds and the lights dropped, the blue being replaced by a bright red flashing. You looked blood covered and it sent a thrill down your spine. Another buzz sounded nearby and immediately the door unlocked and spread open.

If there was someone still in the security room monitoring all this, they would have deleted your “open door policy” access by now most likely. Or at the very least Tony would have been notified of what was happening, and trying to man it from wherever he was in your little goose-chase.

So fire was your option. Starting one would unlock all hallway door checkpoints where any Avengers were to the safe zones: either exits or security rooms to monitor the situation. That had been the procedure in the Tower, and was clearly the same here too. Now all you had to do was follow the unlocked doors to your next destination. And you weren’t ready to leave just yet.

Turning down several silently deserted corridors, there was an eeriness in the air you brought with you, nothing but red flashing light as your company. As you walked closer into the compound (presumably), you began to slow down.

Your steps became leisurely, pace not as determinedly set. A smile cracked through the blood your face, black eyes wide and searching the long and wide corridor you found yourself in.

“Natasha...” you whispered tauntingly, cool and creepy voice drifting lightly down the hall as you walked. “Natasha... where are you…”

You could feel her, your senses keyed up and adrenalin absolutely flooding you. It reacted with the drugs still in your system and dialled everything inside of you beyond ten. Your eyes were wide and shimmering black, your hearing was picking up everything around you, and you could smell her telltale scent of mahogany, cinnamon, and something bitter lightly reaching your broken nose.

Quicker than most could move, a door to your left was thrown open and Natasha came running out, throwing her knee up to slam against your body, snapping up a wire at her wrist in preparation.

She would have slammed her knee against you, knocking you off balance and making you hunch down as you faltered. She would have taken her opportunity then to jump up and wrap her legs around your neck, perched on your shoulders. She would have tied that piano wire around your neck until you passed out.

Because unlike Bucky, she was stealth and speed and maneuvering. She had complete control over her body, able to fight and win along side superhumans, gods, and armoured suited geniuses. But she came into fights with just her skills, a small wire, and sometimes a gun or two. And time after time she would win it, because Natasha was just that fucking good.

But you would show her what real power looked like.

Your metal hand snapped out as Nat did from the shadows, forcing through the wire she was a second from trying to wrap around your neck. Instead, your grip clutched her throat as you planted your feet, stopping her short and sending her lower half jerking back at your immovability.

You could have crushed her windpipe and ended her right there. But she needed to feel the power you had over her. Reaching down you grabbed under her knee and hoisted her up, flipping her right over and slammed her onto the ground. 

Your grip didn’t let up as her eyes went wide, face red as you cut off the circulation to her head while you smiled widely down at her. She couldn’t even sputter. She tried to reach her legs up and wrap them around you, tried to hurt you with her fists and feet and body, expertly done, even if she was fast suffocating.

But you felt none of it. Instead you punched down over and over, seeing and feeling blood spout from her face. Her blood was hard earn and the spray that hit you felt like refreshing mist on your skin.

The feeling was short-lived though.

You didn’t hear it, the sound almost too loud for your brain to process, bursting through your ear drums. What felt like a concrete wall hit you, sending you flying back off Nat, airborne for a second before hitting and cracking against the wall.

You recovered as fast as you could- unnaturally so for a normal person- head knocked way too hard against the unyielding wall to snap back instantly though. You took uneasy but quick steps forward, turning to face the source of the explosion, but distrated briefly by someone else.

The first thing your mind seeing beside subtly flaming debris scattered around you was the beaten sight of Bucky running in, face bruised and covered in as much blood as your own.

The next was when you turned to where the source of the explosion was, and standing there on top of the pile of rumble was Iron Man.

You shocked yourself for a moment, feeling simultaneously relieved and furious at the sight before you. It added an undercurrent of confusion to your feelings, you not realizing why relief was in the mix at all. You certainly did not want him there. A couple normal humans and one ex-Hydra agent were easily handled. But it was harder to punch through an Iron Man suit. Though not impossible.

“Bucky,” came his voice, hands raised and threatening as he stood like a coward covered by his gleaming suit on top of a caved in ceiling, unlike your exposed and bleeding skin. “Back off. Just turn around, I will handle this.”

You looked to the man, calculations on your next moved briefly halted as you watched Bucky’s face flinch. Maybe from pain. Maybe from the anger and sadness there in him now. Something was off. Something information was missing.

“Don’t leave me to him,” you said, exasperated, trying to cause division. “You know how angry he was before when you caught me; he’s more likely to kill me than lock me up again!”

But looking at Iron Man you took in his cold metal exterior. You couldn’t sense his emotions, or discern his body language through it. But you could taste it in the air. You knew that taste.

He knew you would kill everyone. You almost had killed three of his team members in a matter of minutes today. And once securing this compound and letting Hydra have free reign of the system, you would have tortured them. And you wouldn’t stop. Ever. 

You smelt the need for blood on him.

You knew he would try and put you down before you put his entire Team down. Maybe Bucky or Steve wouldnt be able to ever stomach or consider that option, but Tony was not cut from the same cloth. 

You waited in the silence, only Bucky inching towards you, ignoring Tony completely. But your eyes were on the suited Iron Man in front of you, narrowed and waiting, because in that moment, you just knew.

Oh god, he really was going to try and kill you.

As that little speck of relief turned to sad understanding, your overwhelming anger turned to bitter rage.

“You’re going to try and kill me?!” you barked, harsh and spitting blood. “I’m your fucking friend you bastard! And you think you’re the one who gets to kill me?!”

“No,” Bucky said, confident and firm, eyes only on you as Tony watched him. “No one is going to kill you, Y/N. You’re safe. I’ve got you.”

It was like an electrical baton was shoved in the base of your head, connecting with your spine and sending the feel in a shockwave through your body and brain.

I’m safe. He’s got me.

The piece of you which had turned to understanding, shifted again back to relief.

The words blanked out your vision for a moment, blocking you from seeing Bucky relax at your sudden drop of tense muscles. You didn’t notice Tony turn away from you back to Bucky. You didn’t see him wordlessly raise his hand and blast Bucky in the stomach, sending him back down the hall in a flash of white. You didn’t catch any of it, numb and fuzzy to the world for a moment.

But you did see Tony flying at you, only a second from colliding with you when the fuzziness took a back seat in your mind. Your only course of action was using your hand, grabbing Tony’s as he reached for you in a blinding shine of red and gold. Using his momentum, you swung him around your body, crushing his hand in his suit with yours.

The momentum knocked you down too, scrambling up to get away, mind still moving too slow to do what you needed it too. But a flash of black passed you from behind, you eyes clicking into place that it was Bucky running up protectively to meet Tony, who was launching at you.

Again Bucky was full of reckless abandon, arms swingly with wild power as he pushed Tony back, the man no match for Bucky’s hand-to-hand combat skills. Furious groans and the unbearably loud sound of metal crushing metal rang out as the two clashed.

You always had back-ups and quick mind to calculate the next best possible move, but as more chaos entered into the mix here, your plan began to splinter at its seams.

You didn’t think, just started moving, the familiar face of Steve in your sightlines running down the hallway. You pushed out all thoughts of how the hell he was here and how the fuck both Cap and Iron Man got back so fast and not at your bomb sites half a world away.

Steve didn’t even seem to be running for you but looked like he was heading straight for Bucky, probably thinking he had gone Winter Soldier on him. You scrambled up to a half crouch before diving at his knees just before he reached his friend who was pummelling Tony.

The pair of you had barely landed when hands grabbed both your arms from behind and threw you off of Steve. You barrelled down the hall, rolling uncontrollably with your body smacking the floor as you went. Blood in your eyes and head spinning you looked out to see Iron Man come huddling towards you too, the force of a punch square to his chest from Bucky sending him flying back, before Steve and Nat- who you presumed threw you off of Cap- could catch him.

Tony whizzed passed you, hand catching and searing across your calves as he careened down one side of you. Bucky was immediately running your way, seeing you lying there with nothing between you and Tony now. Steve and Nat were running after him, but they weren’t the real threat here now.

With the space Tony had away from Bucky, he was able to stabilize himself mid air before crashing against a wall. A hand went up but it wasn’t his blaster that was aimed at Bucky, but a little launcher sprung out from his wrist.

Without thinking, you jumped up in front of Bucky as Tony fired, pushing Bucky down with all the strength you had and standing in his place.

Right after that moment, the chaos died down.

Everything went oddly quiet as you stood there, teetering ever so slightly. The sounds around you were instantly gone. Your mind stilled. Even your heartbeat and racing blood in your veins had disappeared for a moment.

Looking down slowly you saw your abdomen, once clothed in a smooth black fabric, was now torn and anything but smooth, chunks of your flesh spread across it, hanging limply and bloody.

It had only been one bullet, but it exploded like a buck shot of sorts. It had just done so inside of your body, spreading out organs and muscles and red liquid everywhere.

In a blink of an eye you were on your knees, catching yourself on Bucky’s open arms. You didn’t have the space inside you to feel shocked at suddenly being on the floor and him suddenly being there to catch you.

A hiss of air tried to escape your lungs as you turned to him, eyes wide and furious angry melting into something quite different.

Your spine seemed to quit as you collapsed back, Bucky catching you again and hovering above you on the ground, hands holding yours over your gaping wound. Blood poured like a waterfall, Hydra chemicals and drugs running out with it.

“Y/N,” Bucky said, voice sounding higher than usual though calm, but eyes beginning to brim with tears and panic and agony. “It’s okay, I have you. You’re okay. You’re safe, I’ve got you.”

I’m safe. He’s got me.

Your body settled, embracing the pain you began to feel, not fighting it. Your jaw unclenched. Your fist released their grip. Your whole body relaxed. The anger and walls that had been put up fading away and emptied out of you like the blood pooling on the floor.

I’m safe. He’s got me.

He’s safe. I’ve got him.

Slowly you reached a hand to his face, the slightest bit of colour returning to your irises.

You whispered one thing to him, voice small and cracked before you were ripped from him, Bucky instantly screaming out after you, eyes wide and body thrashing wildly to get you back.

“...Bucky?”

PART TWENTY-TWO

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[stimsensory]

I Am Autism Video

In 2009, Autism Speaks released the following video. WARNING: Ableism.

The video starts with ominous music, the kind you may expect to hear in a tacky horror movie before the minority character is killed off.

A deep voice speaks over the music. The video shows children sitting or standing alone.

The voice (representing autism) proclaims to be ‘invisible to you until it’s too late’.

Too late for what? I suppose this references Early Intervention and the fact that many professionals recommend starting therapy for autism as early as possible to help children. Implying those of us diagnosed later cannot be helped?

‘I know where you live. And guess what? I live there too’. See I find this kind of funny. It reminds me of people who describe autistic people as ‘living with autism’. I just imagine myself having a roommate (aka Autism) who stims in the corner, listens to music over and over, and often forgets to shower. That’s not what autism is. We are not neurotypical (non-autistic) people who are trapped by an autistic person. We are autistic. I’m not living with autism, autism is a part of me that influences everything I experience.

‘I hover around all of you’. Bit creepy to be honest. Also implies the whole ‘everyone’s a bit autistic’ thing. 🙄

Then the voice states that it knows no colour barrier, no religion, no morality, no currency. The first two points are actually good; autism occurs in people regardless of sex, skin colour, gender, sexuality, religion, class, income, etc. Of course, no morality… I don’t even know what they could imply there other than that autism has no morality (which is a confusing concept).

‘With every voice I take away I acquire yet another language’. Pretty sure that’s not how learning a language works. Though it would have made GCSE Spanish much easier… Plus, speech is not the only method of communication.

‘I work very quickly. I work faster than paediatric AIDS, cancer, and diabetes combined’. Wow. The voice compares autism to AIDS, cancer, and diabetes. Well first of all, autism doesn’t kill you. Autism is, in my opinion, not in any way comparable to these diseases. Autism is a disorder, not a disease. Autism is a difference in your brain that can cause you to struggle in this non-autistic world. It can disable you.

It is still not comparable to those diseases. And it’s offensive to people who have gone through those diseases to suggest so.

‘If you are happily married, I will make sure that your marriage fails’. Autism can cause stress in parents of autistic people, and in the autistic people themselves. This stress could cause a marriage to become strained. People may divorce because of the stress. But autism is not a sure cause of divorce. Evidence: my parents are happily married. Whilst parents of autistic kids are more likely to get divorced, it is far from a sure thing and should not be portrayed as such. '

‘Your money will fall into my hands and I will bankrupt you for my own self gain’. Autism can be expensive due to therapies, the high rate of co-morbidities that may need treating (such as epilepsy), sensory/stim toys, and other aspects. But it’s not the fault of the autistic child. There needs to be more support for autistic people and their parents/caregivers.

‘I will make it virtually impossible for your family to easily attend a temple, a birthday party, a public park, without a struggle, without embarrassment, without pain’. So not being able to go to these places is comparable to having AIDS, cancer, or diabetes? I think not. I struggle to go to birthday parties because the loud noises cause me physical pain. So I bring headphones and make sure I have an escape plan just in case. Also, you have to love how they are focused completely on the parents pain and embarrassment, rather than the child’s physical pain from being forced to go to these places. The embarrassment is not the fault of the child, it is the fault of judgemental people who do not understand or accept autism.

‘Your neighbours are happier to pretend I don’t exist. Until of course, it’s their child’. Autism isn’t infectious… my neighbours kids aren’t gonna turn autistic just because I am. And pretending autism doesn’t exist is generally due to lack of understanding and acceptance. People don’t like to discuss horrible things, so when you phrase autism as this horrid thing that has taken your child of course they don’t want to hear it. If you talk about it openly, and if the media actually portrays it accurately then maybe it will no longer be seen as something to be ashamed of and ignored.

‘I have no interest in right or wrong’. That is actually often incorrect. Many autistic people have a strong sense of morality, and many (such as myself) deal with great anxiety over doing something ‘wrong’ or breaking rules. Gotta love the spread of misinformation.

‘I derive great pleasure out of your loneliness’.

…you can tell they didn’t consult with autistic people on this. Why on earth would someone’s loneliness bring me pleasure? If someone feels lonely, I don’t feel happy, I feel sad. Why would they even think this? Because autistic people need to be alone to calm down from sensory overload? That is not a malicious attempt to make you feel lonely. That is us taking care of our overworked sensory systems and trying to calm ourselves down.

‘And to autism I say: I am a father, mother, grandparent, brother, sister… we will spend every waking hour trying to weaken you’. Guys, autism isn’t the boss at the end of a video game. You can’t attack it and weaken it by decreasing it’s HP and then win the game. It’s a part of us.

‘Autism, you forget who we are. You forget who you are dealing with. You forget the spirits of mothers and daughters and fathers and sons…’ I honestly don’t understand this line. Autism is a part of your child, they know who you are. This is confusing.

‘We search with technology and voodoo, prayer, herbs, genetic studies’. This is how we get fake ‘cures’ and products that fool parents of autistic kids. No offence to people who believe in some of these things, but they cannot cure autism. Nothing can. So claiming they can just costs people money and energy.

‘You think that because my child lives behind a wall, I’m afraid to knock it down with my bare hands?’ We don’t live behind a wall. We live in this world, but perceive it differently. It’s overwhelming. So sometimes, we have to block it out. Destroying that block is only going to hurt us by exposing us to the overwhelming world our there. The noises and lights don’t hurt you, but they hurt me.

Stop assuming that everyone experiences the world the same way as you do, and that autistic behaviour has no purpose.

https://www.stimsensory.co.uk/blog/2019/4/1/i-am-autism-video

[wickedsingularity]

Until Next Time [Chapter 10]

Banner by PhoenixAlthor @ TDA

The hand on my heart clenched painfully. I stiffened and gritted my teeth. My eyes stung and I couldn't breathe. I was there. I had reached the point where it hurt so bad I didn't know how to live for one more second.

War. We do what we can to find comfort and hope.

Remus Lupin x OC Warnings: Language, lemon, anxiety, slight racism Words: 3935

Note: The revised version of chapter 10. Just changed some scenes in the middle to fit with the direction chapter 11 and 12 took during NaNoWriMo. It's not absolutely necessary to read this chapter again, but it also wouldn't hurt :)

Chapter 9 | Masterlist | Chapter 11

Blur

This is crazy.

It had been more than two weeks since Remus and I had our sort-of conversation about what happened between us and I felt confident that whatever it was, was over and done with. I Apparated to Grimmauld Place, feeling some excitement about seeing people again. It had been more than two weeks since I'd seen any of them as well, other than the one I relieved from guard duty and the one relieving me.

The entrance hall was quiet as I opened the front door, but Tonks had apparently arrived just before I did and she squawked and jumped around when I greeted her, causing the portrait of Mrs Black to wake up.

"Filth! Abominations! Scum living in my house!"

"Oh sorry," Tonks said, cringing a bit at the insults echoing around the house.

Hurried footsteps came from the basement kitchen and Sirius bounded upstairs to shut up his mother's portrait.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius!" Tonks called after him, but he just grunted.

"And I'm sorry I frightened you, Tonks," I said loudly, to make myself heard above the besmirching the ancient and noble house of Black.

"It's alright. I thought I was the last one here," she explained.

"I took a nap before I came and it went on a bit longer than I had planned." I grinned sheepishly, then starting a bit as there was a loud bang from the floor above and Mrs Black's ranting was silenced.

Tonks and I wandered down into the basement kitchen, closely followed by Sirius, the light chatter of Order members now audible. Almost everyone seemed to be there and their eyes were on us because of the racket we had caused. I looked down at my feet as I stepped through the door while Tonks apologized.

"My fault," I said once Tonks was finished. "I accidentally frightened her."

"Don't worry about it," Sirius said from behind us. "I love shutting her up."

A few of the people around the table snickered and Tonks and I found our way to empty seats next to each other.

"Maybe we can start the meeting," Alastor said with a grunt. "Now that everyone is here." There was a murmur of agreeing sounds and the ones who had been lingering around the room found seats, nearly filling the entire table.

Alastor began by having Minerva tell us the latest news from Hogwarts and the new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor that the Ministry had appointed and how she had been made Hogwarts High Inquisitor after a new Educational Decree had been created by the Minister. Only three weeks into the school year and the Ministry was already starting to do what everyone feared – take over Hogwarts and undermine Albus.

It wasn't far into the discussion before I very much regretted sitting down in this particular chair. All through the meeting, I could hardly concentrate. I don't know if he had sat down in the available seat next to me on purpose or by "happy" accident. And I don't know if he did what he did on purpose or not, or if I just noticed it because of what we had done and had it been anyone else I wouldn't react at all. But every time Remus shifted in his seat, his knee would press against mine, his elbow would graze me. And one time his hand actually touched mine. It was driving me insane. I had no idea what had gotten over me. Whatever it was, it wasn't like me at all, and I didn't like what it was doing to me. It was like we were a pair of awkward teenagers testing the limits.

Doing my absolute best to focus on what was being discussed, I tried to exercise some of the mental control I used for Occlumency. Setting up a rock-hard barrier on the entire right side of my mind and nervous system, refusing to feel the unusually high body heat radiating off of Remus.

"– two weeks' detention."

"That's my boy," Sirius commented on Minerva's story. I was completely at a loss but figured it must be something involving Harry.

"Umbridge is dangerous, Black," Minerva said. "She is power-hungry, and – mark my words – she is going to make life at Hogwarts very difficult and Potter is better off to stay out of her way."

"How much can she really do with Albus there?" Hestia asked.

"As the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic?" The venom with which Minerva said that title, I'd say she was the dangerous one. "A Minister that is currently at odds with Albus and everything he does at Hogwarts? And as High Inquisitor of Hogwarts? She has the power to do more than any of us can imagine."

"She has a very dangerous and backwards view of the world, and she's willing to do a lot to shape it to her liking," Remus chimed in.

I glanced at him.

"Sounds like you know a lot about it?" Tonks leaned forward and looked past me to Remus.

His amber eyes rose slowly to hers. "Yes," he said and looked down at his lap. "She's not very fond of... half-breeds, as she calls them. Werewolves among them."

"She's responsible for the anti-werewolf legislation that came two years ago," Sirius explained, eyes on Remus, who was now staring at his fingers fiddling with a loose thread on his cardigan. I had read about that legislation, it made it as good as impossible for people with lycanthropy to get a job.

Minerva finished her report on Umbridge at Hogwarts and Molly started levitating dinner and plates onto the table. We all helped ourselves as Alastor continued with the next item on the agenda, news about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Each mention of the name had me trying to hide a shiver and I was very grateful to scoop up more of Molly's warm stew to settle my nerves. The warmth radiating off Remus on my right side also felt oddly comforting to me, even through the mental barrier I had put up. He was still close enough that our elbows sometimes touched when we ate, his knee sometimes touching mine, and it was all too distracting.

As everyone had finished dinner, leaning back in their chairs and chatting, I glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner and noticed with a sigh of relief that it was getting late. I slid to the edge of my sear, ready to get the hell out of there. I was getting antsy knowing I had three weeks at Azkaban coming up on Monday and I wanted to get some rest. But just before I could get up, Remus laid a hand on my arm and leaned forward.

"Third, fourth, left," he whispered as he passed my ear and then he removed his hand and engaged in conversation with Kingsley across the table.

I blinked a bit in confusion and looked around to see if anyone else had caught his actions, but it was a bit chaotic as Molly had started levitating dinner off the table.

"I think I'm going to go," I said quietly, stood up to pull on my cloak. "I need to prepare myself for Azkaban."

"Of course, dear." Molly began fussing as I moved towards the door and stopped me for a hug. "Go home and rest. Do you want some biscuits to go?" She was straightening the collar of my cloak and wiping away some imaginary dust from my arm.

"Oh, no thank you. It was all delicious, but I'm so full I don't think I need to eat until next year."

She swatted my arm playfully. "You're too kind! You take care of yourself."

I just smiled and moved to turn around and caught Remus' eye above Molly's shoulder. I wasn't sure what to do with the three words he had whispered to me, so I just snuck out of the room before I figuratively burst into flames. I rushed up the stairs, but as I walked across the hall to the front door, I slowed down and looked at the staircase leading upstairs. It was like I was stupefied for a moment, staring upwards. Footsteps sounded on the stairs from the kitchen and I had to move. Without thinking about it, my feet took me to the stairs and I hurried as quietly as I could up to the third floor.

This is crazy, I thought as I stopped at the top of the stairs, looking down the hall. I moved slowly towards the fourth door, heart beating wildly in my chest. My hand reached for the handle, but then I retracted it as if I'd burned myself. I couldn't just go in. So, I leaned against the wall next to the door instead, trying to calm myself down and convince myself this wasn't the worst idea in the world.

Waiting there felt like it took forever and I was starting to think I had misheard Remus when I heard footsteps walking quickly up the stairs, dearly hoping it was him and not Sirius or anyone else. I didn't even know where Sirius' room was.

"Hi." Remus was slightly out of breath when he reached the landing, but smiling slightly.

"Hi." I straightened up. He took a few long strides and before he could say anything else, I had grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into his own room.

As I rode my broom from the Apparition station and out to the prison to start my rotation at Azkaban, the anxiety and fear weren't as noticeable as I expected and I sent a mental thank you to Remus. I had my Patronus Shield up, and tiny tendrils of fear poked and prodded at my heart, but it was a little bit easier to ignore them. But that was only Monday morning.

The late September sun still shone brightly and managed to warm up the air during the day, but out on Azkaban it was chilly no matter what. And as the week went on, it was getting to me much more than it had ever done in my eight years working there. The chill seemed to stick to my bones and rarely felt warm enough even at home. It was getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning and I looked at the clock too often after lunch, counting down until I could go home. Working my three weeks at Azkaban used to be something I preferred over the three weeks at the Ministry, but not anymore.

Every day I heard the Death Eater prisoners call out for their master, urging him to come to rescue them. Every day the Dementors' influence grew weaker on the Death Eaters and stronger on the other criminals and us witches and wizards working there. Even though we didn't talk much about it amongst ourselves, I could tell that my colleagues were also becoming more and more affected. I knew Walter best out of all of them, and he was always the one who kept on working no matter what. He let nothing distract him and refused to stop until he was done with his task. But I noticed his mind wandering, he would stop what he was doing and fix his gaze on something outside the window or on some invisible phantom near the upper cells, his face often drawn. It broke my heart and that did nothing to help the anxiety and fear I now dragged around in what felt like a trunk full of rocks tied around my waist.

Halfway through my second week, I was getting antsy. I needed to get away, it was all becoming too much. I was cold and jumpy and anxious and could barely focus on anything. It came as such a relief when a wet and windswept owl pecked on the window to mine and Walter's office right before lunch.

Walter ran over and hurriedly opened the window to let the poor screech owl inside. It fluttered onto his arm and swayed slightly as he closed the window and carried it over to our desk. "It's addressed to you."

Raising my eyebrows, I reached for the bedraggled bird and pulled it gently over, untying the letter on its leg and letting it help itself to water from my goblet.

It was from the Auror Office. "There's some new evidence in the Black-case. They need me there to look through it." Walter looked up from petting the owl. "Huh, and they need me now," I added, folding up the parchment.

"I was starting to think that case would never be solved."

"Me too. Will you be okay without me? I'll probably be gone for the rest of the day."

"Yes, I'll be fine. You go help solve our embarrassing breakout. I'll send the owl on its way once it's dried up a bit."

I nodded and reached for my wand to clear away the parchments and quills, donned my cloak and renewed the Impervius Charm on it. "See you tomorrow!"

The relief of getting to go early was monumental. To get on my broom and fly away from the soul-sucking creatures, to feel the long fingers of anxiety ease up a bit the second I was outside the wards around the prison and able to land on the Apparition station and drop the Patronus Shield. Even though I hadn't felt my breath being constricted out on the island, it somehow felt like I could draw my breath again after holding it for hours.

Turned out the meeting at the Ministry was a waste of time. It was the same old story, some witches and wizards were convinced they had seen Sirius Black somewhere, and this time it had been made interesting by someone claiming he had kept them hostage in their own house for a week, with Dementors as guards. Of course, none of it was true, and now that I knew the truth about it all, it was very amusing to see what cock and bull people would come up with for attention. If it weren't for the fact that the relief of a few extra hours away from Azkaban did me good, and the fact that I saw Lucius Malfoy there – with the Minister, it would have been a completely wasted afternoon.

And that's why I made it onto the step of 12 Grimmauld Place, telling myself for the hundredth time that I had to make sure Albus knew that Lucius Malfoy had been meeting with the Minister again and that it was no way Kingsley or Tonks or even Arthur had seen and could tell him.

I tapped my wand to the door and had another moment of are you stupid as it swung open. Shaking my head and gritting my teeth, I walked inside and shut the door quietly behind me. It was my duty as a member of the Order of the Phoenix to do this. Even if Kingsley, Tonks or Arthur had seen and would leave their own messages, it was better that we all left the same message than none at all. Whatever other reason lurked at the back of mind, I pushed down and refused to acknowledge.

The house was quiet and dark. Now that the children were off at school, there was less and less activity in the house, mostly just Sirius and Kreacher, and Remus when he wasn't out mingling with the werewolves. Just the odd Order member stopping by to leave a report or a message to Albus or someone else.

I wandered across the hall and down the stairs to the kitchen. There were no sounds from there either, and no one but a small mouse scurrying across the floor as I opened the door. I stopped at the head of the long table, a sigh of disappointment leaving me. The cold fist of fear that had loosened a bit as I left Azkaban and even more since I made the decision to come here, tightened again. I gritted my teeth and took a deep breath, pushing it down. Then I stepped over to a cabinet by the wall where I knew held parchment, ink and quill and wrote down what I had seen at the Ministry. I laid the parchment on the table and gave the room a last glance before heading back upstairs.

But when I reached the hall, I didn't head for the door. Instead, I turned to the next staircase and slowly made my way up to the first floor and then the second floor. There, I paused on the landing, looking around, trying to convince myself to walk back down.

Suddenly someone said my name and I spun around, drawing my wand, aiming it at the figure on the next landing. Remus stood there, his hands in the air in mock surrender.

"Don't scare me like that!" I hissed, pocketing my wand.

"Sorry. Hello. I thought I heard someone."

I took a couple of steps upwards, seeing him clearer and noticed he looked tired and scruffy. A quick calculation in my head told me it was only four days until the full moon.

"Yeah, I just dropped off a message to Albus."

"On the stairs?"

"It's in the kitchen. I don't... I'm not sure what I..." I closed my eyes and shook my head. Breathing suddenly became harder, I heaved for air. My fists clenched.

"Are you okay?" Remus' voice was suddenly a lot closer. The hand on my shoulder made me gasp and snap my eyes open again. He was standing right in front of me. My breaths slowed down and something lit up inside me.

"I don't..."

Remus' nostrils flared and his hand slid down my arm and my fist unclenched the second he reached for it. "I think I know," he said and pulled me with him upstairs. Past three doors and in through the fourth. The air inside was cold and immediately surrounded me, making my heart constrict, it reminded me of Azkaban. The door slammed shut behind us and I jumped, my hand slipping out of his, my heart beating wildly again.

"You're easily startled today," he pointed out before muttering a few spells to the door. Then he stalked towards me and suddenly his lips were on mine. His hands wound around my back, pressing me to him, and he was so warm. Before I had time to kiss him back, he pulled back slightly. "Is this okay?"

I hummed in agreement, chasing his lips. We hadn't kissed before, which was a shame because he was so good at it and he tasted like chocolate and wood smoke. His tongue pressed against mine and then everything turned into a scorching blur. Clothes flew everywhere and I found myself falling back onto his bed, stark naked, not even sure when we had moved towards it, and he crawled after me, making me feel like prey for a moment. And then he was right above me and then inside and I sensed nothing else but him. Lips on my neck, one hand in my hair, the other claiming my breast. I had my legs wrapped around his waist and when I clawed at his back he grunted against my collarbone. He seemed almost feral in his behaviour.

I don't know what made him so goddamn special, but he seemed to reach places inside me I had no idea existed. I tightened my legs around him, heaving for breath and digging my nails into his back, trying to get him closer, deeper.

"Silencing charms?" I choked out.

He nodded against my neck. "Yes."

And I lost it. I convulsed underneath him, threw my head back and saw stars as I came loudly, scorching tongues of fire burst from my core. Remus didn't let me rest one beat, as he continued ploughing into me, chasing his own high and almost sounding like he growled every time he went deep. His movements seemed stiff and the little I could see of his face was contorted. But then, with a definite growl from deep in his belly, he bit into my neck and came. I think I came again from the bite and his animalistic behaviour, and I was completely out of it until Remus suddenly gasped and rolled off me.

"Oh Merlin, I bit you. I'm so sorry." I could hear the shame in his voice.

I reached a hand up to touch the tender area and felt small welts starting to form from his teeth. "It's okay. I don't mind." I looked at my fingers and when I saw no blood, I put my arm behind my head and turned to look at him. "I think I actually enjoyed it."

His head snapped around, surprise in his amber eyes.

"Is it because of...?" I asked.

He nodded. "This close to the full moon, a lot of... instincts come to the surface."

I couldn't help but smirk. "I think I like that."

His own lips flashed a quick smile.

"But I should get going," I said and sat up. "Thank you though. I needed this."

Remus nodded. "I could tell."

I began walking around the room, looking for my clothes, and pulling them on as I found them. "Can you make sure Albus gets my message?" I asked as I buttoned up my jeans.

"Yeah. What is the message?"

"It's all on the parchment I left in the kitchen, but Lucius Malfoy visited the Minister again today." I looked around for my bra and found it draped over a chair by the window. Remus stared as I pulled it on and adjusted myself. "They were in the cafeteria when I grabbed a bite before the meeting with Magical Law, and then I saw them again later in the atrium when I was leaving. They looked awfully chummy."

Expecting a reply, I halted the search for my jumper and glanced at the werewolf on the bed. He was staring at my bra, a small grin on his face. Good thing he was over his shame for biting me, but honestly... I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Yes," he said, eyes slowly moving up to meet mine. "Albus is supposed to drop by tomorrow morning, I'll make sure he gets the note about Malfoy and the Minister being spotted in the cafeteria and later in the atrium looking chummy."

"Thank you. Where's my jumper?"

He bent down over the side of the bed, grabbed something and tossed it my way. I chortled and pulled it on, fluffing out my hair. Just before I stopped to pull on my cloak, I paused and looked at Remus again. He was still staring and it was starting to annoy me. He wore a small grin still, and it was not appropriate for the message I had just delivered. I wanted to discuss it a bit before I left, theorise and badmouth Malfoy.

"Why are you staring like that?" I asked bluntly.

He blinked slowly and seemed to refocus. "No reason."

"You'll tell Albus?"

He climbed out of bed, stark naked and sauntered over to me. "Yes, I'll tell him."

I tried so hard to keep my eyes from wandering. "I'm going to go. Until next time."

Then Remus did something completely unexpected and laid one hand on the back of my head and pressed his lips to mine. For a long moment, he lingered, leaving me a little flustered. "Until next time."

Chapter 9 | Masterlist | Chapter 11

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[fallenrazziel]

EruRi Analysis, by fallenRaziel ~Part Two

This is the English translation of a very long analysis in 5 parts I made about EruRi in French. I apologize in advance if some terms are not very clear or identical to those of the English language, because I translate quite academically. Do not hesitate to take me back or ask me if it is not very clear ^^ Articles are meant to be read separately, so there will be analyzes that will sometimes be repeated or viewed from different angles.

2. TWO TACITURN MEN : Ease and difficulty to express themselves

Erwin and Levi both have difficulty expressing themselves, but in a different way.

levi did not receive any real "education". He also had an expression model that we can be sure of : Kenny. As for her mother, she may have taught him the basics of reading and writing, but Levi surely had to refine it all by himself.

Kenny is a man who often talk dirty. Levi is the same. He had to learn to express his feelings frankly, though with clumsiness. It's probably the only way to interact optimally in the undergrounds with his way of beating people, sometimes by being hard or rude. It is a hard and dangerous place, where you have to know how to be respected, to show that you have the respondent and not cold in the eyes. Those who show too much tenderness or emotion are quickly killed. But Levi is a double being (just like Erwin): there is in him a fund of unfailing kindness, perhaps inherited from his mother. This often gives an explosive mixture of effrontery, coarseness and benevolence. Livai does not bother with fuss, when he has something to say, he says, even add a little to move things and people.

But he is also a reserved man. By living in an atmosphere of constant danger, underground or in expedition, he has developed a propensity to avoid attaching himself to others. It is a reflex of survival, in an environment where death can be fast (Answers, page 168). Which proves that Levi is not that bad, or else he would have no problem to build relationships. The fact is that he has few. Kenny was important to him, for sure, as well as his mother; Isabel and Furlan have also counted in her life. The members of the SC too, especially Erwin whom he seems closest to. But finally, in the course of a lifetime, it remains little, more than for some of us perhaps, but not all the same when we see the large number of people who crossed his path. He seems to be putting up a constant barrier between himself and the others that prevents him from completely discerning what kind of person he is.

It is difficult to apprehend his personality as a whole, because it is a knot of contradictions. Able to violence, mood swings but also attentive to others well being, it does not attach much importance to what we think of him. Most people see him mostly as someone cold and indifferent, only those who know him well can talk about his warm side.

Levi himself admitted to having trouble expressing himself through words. He does not know how to tell without getting lost in irrelevant details. Levi prefers to let Erwin handle everything related to speech because he knows he's best in this exercise. But in the same way, it is difficult for him to express his strong emotions with words. Isayama puts a lot of emphasis on Levi's facial expressions and attitudes to indicate how he feels. When he discovers his decimated squad, the words are useless; Isayama only shows us his face. Similarly during the drama on the roof with the serum, no less than twenty close ups show us the facial expressions of Levi who say more about him than any text. His brain is a chaos and he is confused, does not know what to do, between his duty and his heart.

Erwin was educated properly; he went to school, and has a natural gift for speaking and convincing. He is a born leader, a speaker. He is comfortable with words, but his difficulty lies elsewhere. Erwin is not the type to indulge in sentimentality. He is less emotional than Levi, or at least he manages it better. Erwin has forged a carapace since childhood to ensure that no one can see it. For Erwin, like Levi, is double: he is at once the charismatic leader, the military genius who commands admiration, who knows how to make beautiful speeches by persuading himself of their truth, and also the child who because he spoke wrongly and wrongly, caused the death of his father. Erwin knows how to handle words and chooses them carefully, so as not to harm himself or harm others. He says what others want to hear in order to motivate them and get them to follow him, which is a quality for a military leader. But for a human being, it can quickly become a defect. A defect of which he only became aware later. Zackley's words knock him down, and then remind him of his true purpose. Erwin sees all his past acts and speeches as comfortable lies to which he has believed himself. But Erwin's notion of lies is unclear. The character is lying to himself, can we talk about calculation or trickery? Nothing is less certain because Erwin had no intention of doing harm. When he exhorts his soldiers to fight, to which he himself takes part, there is no reason to think that he is not sincere.

Erwin has a secret garden much larger and entangled than that of Levi. We will get lost! Yet both men are perceived in the same way by their lowest subordinates on the SC scale; like cold men, without emotion, who do not hesitate to sacrifice their soldiers for their interests. While continuing to follow them in combat, which says a lot about their charisma. Even if Levi and Erwin do not have the same level of emotion and language, they stick together to collect the bad shots together (we see it on the return of the expedition of the female titan). They remain just as silent as if they were aware that the wrongs were shared. In this sense, these two men, who are truly one in the eyes of explorers, are more alone than anyone else. Because few people can truly understand them. And that may be what brings them closer too. It's not for nothing that the smartpass content presents them together in an interview; because ultimately they are the ones who know each other the best.

Note also their ease in communicating with the gaze. From Birth of Levi, while their relationship is rather tense, Suruga insists a lot on the games of looks between them, as to establish their mutual trust in the future. The first they exchange is particularly eloquent: Levi escapes flying in the shallows; Erwin is there, he does not stop him and just fix him in a rather enigmatic way. It is frankly not hard to imagine a certain admiration - why not a love at first sight made in Erwin - in his leaning eyes, accompanied by a slight barely perceptible smile, wedged on the corner of his mouth. Levi's gaze is fleeing, like that of a hunted animal, but he has noticed the look of this man, who seems to be a soldier but does not do his job, which would consist to arrest him. This first contact between them was an exchange of looks, and this is not trivial. Another, particularly strange, takes place at the integration ceremony. Keith Shadis orders the new recruits to introduce themselves, and Levi - who seems to be bothered by this obligation - gives Erwin an unobtrusive look, as if silently asking him if he should do it. As if already, at that moment, Levi was in a condition to receive his orders.

After Erwin has lost his arm, there is also a little joke between them, where Erwin tries to provoke Levi to tell him a coward. This does not fail, Levi telling him that he is indeed worthy of pity. But he also does not fail to point out to him that he has taken care of all his administrative paperwork so that he will not be stressed by all this work when he wakes up. Always considerate, our Levi.

It should be noted that Levi's rudeness does not seem to bother Erwin, even when it targets him. Levi does not hesitate to use expressions or jokes that would not be accepted in good company to relax the atmosphere or express stress. Erwin never takes it back, even when Levi lets herself talk about her intestinal difficulties! In a purely professional hierarchy, Erwin, as a commander, should not accept this lack of oral respect; but precisely, the links between Levi and him go beyond the simple military hierarchy. Levi knew Erwin squad leader; no doubt he was part of it after the death of Isabel and Furlan. He shared with him moments on the battlefield that create connections that can not be seen anywhere else. Clearly, these two men have passed the stage of polite speaking. They are close enough to tell each other things, to carve, to jostle each other. It is because Erwin does not doubt Levi's respect that he does not reprimand him for his remarks that could be offensive to any other person.

But, at the moment when Levi would probably have needed to hear Erwin say his true thoughts, the current does not pass. When Levi realizes that Erwin will go to the front despite his arm less, he does not know how to tell him not to do it. To drag himself to his feet begging him not to go out would not have been in his usual style. His usual style is the gritty joke. But here, Levi knows that it would not be appropriate. So he improvises on several registers. He first uses fear, pointing out to Erwin that with his missing arm, he may just be eaten. Then he uses flattery, telling him that he is the best weapon they have against the titans and that he would do better to run his brain rather than risk his life outside. None works. Erwin is already too much possessed by his obsession to let himself go. In his turn, he serves Levi with a ready-made speech, which Levi does not let pass.

If I believe the Japanese scholars who read this scene in VO, the real reason for Livaï's loss of control would be related to the way Erwin speaks to him. Apparently, the two men usually have a more relaxed way of talking to each other when they are just both (honne). Now in this scene, Levi reproaches Erwin for speaking to him as if he were a stranger, a subordinate like any other to whom we must present stereotyped and impersonal speeches. This is what makes Levi out of him and makes him pronounce his famous threat that should rather translate as well : "If you continue to speak to me in this tone (tatemae), I broke your legs." Levi is pained that Erwin serves him a stereotyped speech while he himself is no longer fooled by Erwin's intentions. Levi knows that Erwin's goal is to go to the Yeager basement himself to contemplate the truth he has sought so much for himself. He knows it but he wants Erwin to tell him verbally, to tell him what he really has on his heart instead of serving him an agreed speech. What Erwin does not do. For various reasons but mainly because he does not want to lose the trust of Levi. This confidence being based solely on his desire to save humanity - at least he thinks it - to confess this "selfish" goal to Levi would be for him to lose him. He prefers to keep a certain distance by keeping his secret and Levi's allegiance rather than telling him the truth and everything collapses. This is his initial attitude, which will change after the threat of Levi.

It is not known at this time whether Levi has forgiven his "betrayal" to Erwin. Nor does anyone know if he forgave Kenny for threatening his life, a man who has done his best to keep him alive. It is known that Kenny's death had a considerable impact on Levi; his speech on obsessions too. Levi may have taken a step back not only on himself, but also on Erwin without a shadow of a doubt. To have been separated from him during the political arc and to have resourced in contact with the young people of his squad has undoubtedly also allowed him to show more wisdom. When he comes back to Erwin, it's with a new vision. He is no longer, in his eyes, the white knight with pure heart that he thought - wrongly - that Erwin was. Just as Levi himself is not a hero when he thought he was, Erwin is not a saint. This is a new date with which he will compose. Instead of turning away from this man, whom he once served as a machine to kill titans, Levi will change his attitude; he will do everything to help and save him. Because that's what Erwin needs now.

Levi is not against the expedition to Shiganshina; it is necessary anyway. But he does not want Erwin to take part because for Levi, it means he is trying to die. Nobody apart from him detects the downward slope on which Erwin is (even Hange). After the cascade of tatemae, that Levi takes very badly, he passes to his threat to break his legs.

He realizes that if he wants to stop him, he has to stop it altogether. He would not do it cheerfully (he says he'll break it clean and clean so it heals without a problem), but it's an end to which Erwin's apparent indifference pushes him. Levi is in distress here, he does not know how to communicate with Erwin, whereas he arrived there before without even words being necessary (when Erwin orders him to reload in gas without needing to explain why, for example). Because Erwin at this moment is not exactly the same as before, he is possessed by his objectives from which nothing can divert him. Levi did not learn to communicate with this aspect of Erwin. The result is a misunderstanding that makes Levi give up - for the moment. Erwin finally confesses half-word his purpose - see the truth with his own eyes - and Levi responds, as always, he relies on his judgment. This sentence has always sealed his confidence in Erwin. Here, it has the same meaning. It means "as long as your dream does not contradict the interests of humanity, I will help you to achieve it, but you must also bear the consequences, as you have always done." Levi, here, makes it clear to Erwin that he will follow him, whatever happens. Erwin's goal becomes his.

Levi understands that Erwin is determined to leave his life in the operation if necessary. This is a difficult realization for him and from that moment, Levi will not stop messing up many of his actions (he fails to kill Reiner, and lets the bestial escape) without a doubt because the concern to bring Erwin alive despite himself takes all his energy.

This whole scene is to be read between the lines. The games of glances between both are eloquent: Levi, who already knows a little, suspects what Erwin's goal is: to prove that his father was right; Erwin suspects that Levi knows it and tries to dodge his questions because he does not want to say it directly. In this scene, Levi tries to corner Erwin, to corner him so that he recognizes that his dream is toxic, but does not succeed. It's too late, Erwin will go to battle and die there. Glorious.

Communication between them is restored when Erwin finally collapses in front of Levi. It's a very intimate moment between both, because the commander of a military regiment can not let go in this way normally. He no longer hesitates to express his doubts and feelings of guilt to Levi; he knows that he will not judge him badly, for Erwin knows that Levi saw clearly in him and that he followed him anyway; he wants to share his misfortune with him, to make him understand how heavy his load was to bear (what Levi never doubted since he took his share). Perhaps he has wanted to tell him all this for a while without finding the strength, lest Levi turn away from him, considering him as an incompetent leader and unworthy to be followed. But the opposite is happening. Levi tells him that he is an exemplary leader and that he acted as he should. Levi knows he will not be able to force Erwin to escape, so he tries to offer him a glorious death. However, it is Erwin and not Levi who proposes the last strategy, that of programmed suicide. Erwin was waiting for only one thing from Levi : to follow him in this step. The words that Levi chooses here to talk to him are probably the best he could find and catch up with the previous failed act. For the first time perhaps, the words he utters are of paramount importance, and allow Erwin to find the one he really is, the Commander of the Survey Corps, and leave the injured child behind.

Erwin's ultimate "thank you" to Levi is better than any other words that could have been said. It is on this "thank you" that summarizes all their life together that they really say goodbye before charging both to their destiny.

[mybiasisexo]

Unrequited

Genre: Angst | Fluff | College!au

Pairing: Sehun x Reader

Length: 9.7k

Warning: Mature language

Summary: Being in love with your best friend is never easy, especially when you’re positive he doesn’t feel the same.

Author’s Note: Hello everyone! I’m back with another scenario. I know that the past week has been tough on a lot of us and we need some good vibes, so here is a gift to you all. It’s the longest scenario i’ve ever written T T. I hope you all had a merry Christmas and that the new year brings all kinds of wonderful change~. It’ll get better, I promise (and i’m not just talking about my writing lmao)!! 

MASTERLIST

Chapped lips sucked harshly on the tender flesh of your neck, drawing out a moan. Your fingers clawed hair, desperately needing to grab ahold of something—to grip something solid to prevent falling when you were already so close to the edge.

“Sehun.” You whimpered wantonly as his hands slithered down the sides of your stomach, lower still until he gripped your ass painfully. Being this close to him was unbelievable. Having his body flushed with yours like this, him touching you like this, being with you like this was something you had craved for so long. And by the way he clawed at your leggings in an attempt to rid of the barrier, you could tell Sehun was just as needy for you, just as desperate.

Hands still firmly on your ass, he hiked you up, encouraging you to wrap your legs around his slender hips, pulling each other impossibly closer. Lips met hungrily, the want too strong to further prolong and with his attention solely on your delicious mouth, Sehun was somehow able to carry you into his bedroom with ease. His knees hit the end of his bed and you both went tumbling down onto the mattress, causing you both to break the kiss with a giggle.

Sehun used the lack of contact to gaze down at you with a tender expression. It was a look you had longed to be the recipient of for ages, and all you could think about was how quickly you could get used to it. Get used to all of this.

“This is nice,” he murmured, reading your mind. He lifted a hand to brush some hair out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. The smile that tugged at his lips was as soft as his fingers and you resisted the urge to bite his plump bottom lip. Instead, you wrapped your arms around his neck and combed your fingers lightly through his short light brown locks, softly scratching his scalp.

“It is,” you agreed. “What took us so long?”

He chuckled. “I’m not sure, but it’s way overdue.”

“And it can’t wait any longer,” you whispered, using your arms to drag his intoxicating lips back to your needy ones. He didn’t protest, instead moaned with pleasure as he allowed your tongue to slip into and explore his warm mouth. The kiss was long and languid, you both reveling in the new aspect of your relationship.

Once you separated to catch your breath, Sehun rested his forehead on yours. “Before we go any further, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“Okay,” you allowed breathlessly.

He lifted his head again, gently cupping one of your cheeks. Again, you couldn’t get enough of the fond expression on his face, your breath caught in your throat with anticipation. 

The hand that wasn’t on your face came up, tracing your bottom lip as he said your name confidently.

You flinched, blinking with confusion.

It wasn’t his voice.

He said your name again, your reaction causing his eyebrows to furrow. Your heart began beating rapidly in your chest as fear crawled up your throat. It wasn’t his. The voice that came out of his mouth didn’t belong to him....

Your eyes sprang open as someone yelled your name, jerking you into your harsh reality.

Your good friend, Do Kyungsoo, was frowning down at you across the wooden table you were currently sitting at, as unpleased as ever.

“You drooled,” he deadpanned. Quickly, you wiped at your face and tried to shake the sleep off of your body. The two of you were in the school library, studying for your shared final. You must’ve dozed off while writing your notes. 

As you caught your bearings and woke up completely, your dream came back in full force and you groaned as if it hit you. You had yet another fantasy about your other friend, Oh Sehun. You hid your face in your hands, feeling your cheeks bloom red with embarrassment.

But, God, it had felt so real.

You swear you could still taste his mouth on your tongue and that alone further pushed the need to kick yourself. This intrusive dream had been recurring sporadically throughout the year. It was always the same: passionately making out and sweet confessions that would lead to something more… naughty. Luckily, you’d wake up before it could get to the X rated stuff. Unfortunately, the dreams further deepened your feelings for him and that was anything but good.

Oh Sehun was your best friend.

Not to mention, he’s been in a relationship for the past year and a half.

But that apparently didn’t stop this dream from bombarding you every chance it got, causing your heart to ache more painfully the next time you hung out with him.

But you knew Sehun very well, and have come to terms with the fact he didn’t see you in that light and never would.

It was undeniably hard, the situation you were in.

And that was why, as damaging as it was, you sometimes allowed yourself to succumb to your deeply hidden fantasies. Allowed yourself to dream of a future where Sehun did love you in that way. Where he would gaze down at you so fondly you became shy. Where his love for you was so fierce and strong that being away from you for even a second drove him insane. 

Where he realized that you were the one for him after all. 

But you stopped believing in happy endings around the same time you stropped believing in Santa Clause.

So whenever you fell into the trap of imagining a life with Sehun as you lover instead of your friend, you quickly shook the thoughts away, finding a distraction.

At that instant, the distraction went by the name Do Kyungsoo.

“Hey!” You hissed at Kyungsoo, well aware of your surroundings. You lifted a hand threateningly at him and he just blinked. “Why didn’t you wake me up sooner?”

He rolled his large eyes. “Because you look adorable laying in a pool of your own drool.”

“I swear to god!” You lurched over the table in an attempt to strangle your content friend, but he scooted his chair just out of reach, causing you to fall on the tabletop. Awkwardly you laid, your limbs and head dangling off the table in defeat and you wondered—not for the first time—why you befriended the man in the first place.

His phone vibrated beside you and he checked the message. The amused smile plastered on his face slid off as he scanned his screen, concern taking its place and that was enough of a reaction to pull you into an upright position, sitting crisscross applesauce on the table’s cool surface.

“What’s wrong?” You asked anxiously after the silence dragged on and he was still frowning at his now black screen.

He dragged his eyes up to yours. “I…. Sehun needs us. Now.”

~*~

“I just don’t understand,” Kyungsoo admitted softly. His eyes swam as he tried to figure out what he was missing. You didn’t understand either. Sitting stiffly in your chair, all you could do was blankly stare ahead in shock. 

Directly to your right sat Sehun. He was resting on his hand, his posture falling into an uncharacteristic slouch. He distractedly twirled his tiny straw around the mug of coffee he had bought and sighed.

“What’s not to understand?” He asked Kyungsoo in his soft-spoken way. “We’re no longer together. Joy and I broke up.”

That sentence made your stomach flip.

“But….” Kyungsoo let his sentence carry. His thick eyebrows furrowed with concern and he bit his lip as he contemplated whether to continue, but he wasn’t known for holding back. “The two of you were just fine this morning.”

You would’ve agreed if you weren’t in such a catatonic state. The four of you always met up for breakfast on Wednesdays, it was routine that semester. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary between them. They were just as affectionate and teasing as they ever were. You remembered because it made you lose your appetite, but you digressed.

Sehun scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. “Well, I mean, we’d been having some problems for the past couple weeks and I guess it just all bubbled over today. Anyways, I thought you guys needed to know since you’re my best friends.” 

“Can you tell us why at least?” Kyungsoo urged. It was obvious how truly irked he was by the whole situation. 

Sehun shrugged. “School’s getting really tough and I just don’t have the time to juggle school, work, and a girlfriend right now. She understood. It was amicable, Kyungsoo.”

That seemed to be enough for Kyungsoo as he simply took a sip of his steaming hot tea. Sehun’s answer was a bit too casual to you and Sehun himself didn’t appear that affected by the news. He appeared a bit too nonchalant if you were to ask yourself, but you didn’t comment on it.

You were too damn ecstatic to really think about anything else.

You felt bad because, well, Sehun just broke up with his girlfriend and yeah that sucked, but you couldn’t fight the relief that flooded you as soon as the news left his lips.

His pink plushy lips that you have always wondered would feel like against your own….

Now you’re getting distracted. The point was, you never felt better and wouldn’t let the guilt from your joy—no pun intended—hit you until you overanalyzed the whole situation in the shower later on in the night.

Sehun calling your name pulled you out of the trance you were in and you blinked for the first time in who knows how long as hands cupped your cheeks, gently turning your head until you were staring into the deepest pools of melted chocolate you’ve ever seen and, damn, they looked delicious.

Sehun said your name again as if he were trying to wake you up and you observed his serious expression. “I’m fine. Really. You don’t have to worry about me, okay?”

He threw you a reassuring grin and you sunk into his grip unconsciously. His body was merely inches away and you could feel the heat radiating off of it comfortingly, like a fire during winter. Flashes of the dream you had only minutes ago came crawling to the surface and your cheeks heated up again as his gaze lingered on you, watching you intently.

Quickly, you tried to think of something to say before he realized just how head over heels you were for him, but he beat you to the chase.

“I’m fine,” he whispered again, but this time sounded like he was reassuring himself more than he was you.

Sehun always put on a strong front for you. Since the two of you met your freshman year of high school, he made a point to act as if everything was always fine—even when it wasn’t. It worried you in the beginning, made you think you weren’t as close as you could be because of the wall he had built. But, over time, you’ve learned how to peer through the cracks, to push the bricks out of the way and expose Sehun’s true colors. This time was no different. His mouth was saying one thing, but his body said otherwise. You noticed the way his eyes wandered around the café every once in a while and how his broad shoulders hunched as if he carried a heavy weight. His actions revealed that, without a doubt, he was hiding vital information about his breakup. The wound was still super fresh, so you didn’t want to push him at the moment, but you feared that he would eventually shut you out completely if you allowed him and you didn’t want him to suffer alone.

He was anything but fine.

Knowing this, you forced a smile and lied back. “I know. You always are.”

~*~

A week had passed since the breakup and Sehun appeared all right. There wasn’t much time for him to dwell in his newfound freedom, what with finals coming up, so instead, he threw himself into studying. You supposed it was an easy distraction, but it made you worry. 

Not as much as the fact that he’d been avoiding you also. It was little things, like him canceling on Wednesday breakfast for the first time that semester or the fact that he took hours to reply to your texts and his answers were usually excuses of how busy he was with school and work. You brought it up to Kyungsoo during one of your study dates, his reply was just shrugging and telling you he was just dealing with the breakup his own way, but you weren’t buying that justification.

This wasn’t the first breakup you had to watch Sehun go through, and it honestly wasn’t the worst. You’ve seen what a horrible breakup can do to Sehun, and if anything it made him even clingier to you, claiming you were the only woman besides his mother he trusted, but for some odd reason this time was different. This time he was pushing you away instead of holding you closer.

By the time the weekend rolled around you had enough of his games.

Snow was steadily falling as you climbed up the icy steps leading to Sehun’s apartment. You nearly ate shit four times and that put you in an even worse mood.

Without bothering to knock, you used the spare key he gave you when he first moved and invited yourself in. The massive apartment was a second home to you so walking in unannounced was common, but for some reason, as you crossed the threshold, it felt very intrusive, as if you were no longer allowed access. The gray and dark brown apartment was eerily silent being there were three adult males that called it home and you wondered if anyone was here as you took off your shoes and slipped on some slippers they kept just for you—Joy probably used then also but you didn’t linger on the thought—and tiptoed to the main part of the house.

“Hello?” You called. Your voice bounced loudly off the walls. “Anybody here?”

You crept further into the building, closer to Sehun’s bedroom.

“I almost died on the steps! I’m buying you all ice melt for Christmas!” Still no reply as you stopped in front of Sehun’s bedroom door.

You pressed your ear to the cold wooden surface but didn’t hear anything. With a shrug, you pushed the door open and entered as if you owned the place. It’s mid-afternoon and his blinds were open, allowing the sun to illuminate the otherwise dark room. The blankets on his bed were strung around haphazardly and his computer desk was riddled with half empty chip bags, crumbs, empty bowls of ramen, and giant textbooks. At least the floor was clean.

“Sehun?” You called and then you heard a muffled voice coming from the closed door of his bathroom. With a gulp, you made your way over to it and shakily gripped the doorknob.

I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be doing this. You took a deep breath and slowly began to turn the knob, but suddenly, the door swung open and you go tumbling forward with it, only stopping once you slammed into a slightly damp solid object.

Time stood still as you caught your bearings. You gulped down rising panic and lifted a shaky hand, touching the wall your head was still pressed against. Your fingers rubbed a lumpy smooth surface that definitely wasn’t a wall.

“Uh…” A voice rumbled through your chest and your heart rate spiked with fear. If this wasn’t a talking wall, that must mean….

Slowly, you raised your head, meeting familiar delicate eyes. High-pitched screams left your mouth as your stumbled, slipping on the wet tile floor and falling painfully on your back.

Sehun was knelt beside you instantly, his arms reaching for you to help, but you were in a panicked frenzy, desperately hitting his hands away as screams still rang around the room.

Your eyes were tightly closed in an attempt to hide from his shirtless glistening broad chest, but even behind your lids, his firm pecks bounced menacingly, an image that was now burned into your mind.

Finally, he was able to snatch your wrists and you froze straightaway. The silence was almost deafening, but you used that time to calm down.

“What are you doing here?” He finally asked. He didn’t sound upset, just curious and a tad amused. You were sure he was trying to hide a shit-eating grin, but you were afraid to open your eyes.

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” You spit back dramatically.

“Cause I just took a shower?” He replied as if you asked a dumb question, which you were positive you did, but you were also too stressed to care.

“Well can you please put on a shirt?” You begged. His chuckles at your visible distress rocked your ribs as he stood, pulling you up with him. As soon as he was sure you could stand on your own he let you go, walking past to probably fulfill your wish.

The distance allowed you to fully come back to your senses. You let out a big breath and finally opened your eyes and turned around just in time to see Sehun pull a plain gray shirt down his long abdomen. You gulped at the shock of skin he quickly hid and tried not to drool and expose your infatuation.

He glanced at you and the corner of his lips quirked up in a private grin and for a split second you thought he knew, but before you could get frantic, he headed over and plopped onto his bed with a sigh.

He crossed his legs at the ankle and rested his head on his arms, the ultimate relaxed pose. “Now, I’ll ask again, what are you doing here?”

“I practically live here,” you replied. You joined him on the bed via belly flop. “Also, I missed you.”

Some would be surprised by how affectionate the two of you were with each other. Saying sappy things such as ‘I miss you’ were common phrases the two of you shared with one another frequently. It was normal. That being said, the reaction you got from the simple phrase surprised you.

“I—you—what?” Sehun sputtered. You watched in fascination as he turned his reddening face away from you and coughed, sinking deeper into the mattress.

“Are you alright?” You quipped, a slow grin spread across your face. You loved the reaction you got from him. It was a side he didn’t show often and it was refreshing to see him so lost.

“Of course I am!” He nearly yelled and you winced from his volume. He must have noticed, because when he spoke again his voice was noticeably lower. “I just…wasn’t expecting that, is all.”

“But I do miss you!” You admitted with a pout. To further prove how much you did, you began rolling around on the bed, throwing a fit and quickly got tangled in his blankets and legs. You latched onto his exposed leg and fought the electric currents that shocked your fingertips down to your stomach, making your skin all tingly. “You’ve been avoiding me all week!”

You’re prepared for him to kick you away and say something sassy that lowkey hurt your feelings, but what he did say caused your eyes to widen with surprise.

“I’m sorry.”

There was a beat of silence as you realized what he said. He apologized to you. Apologized for avoiding you. Honestly, you were amazed that he even confirmed the fact that he was avoiding you, usually he would deny something like that until his death, but he was acting bizarrely at the moment, and you weren’t sure if you enjoyed this side of Sehun or not.

You lifted your upper body to face him properly. His sharp features were soft, his eyes wide with sincerity and for some reason, you had the sudden urge to cry. You cleared your stinging throat and tried to find your voice.

There it was. “Promise you’ll stop avoiding me?”

There is a pause and you caught a glimpse of the old Sehun, the sassy boy you grew up with, but he held back, only nodding in agreement.

Feeling slightly childish, you lifted a pinky up to his face and he rolled his eyes at the gesture. A small smile crept onto your face, there was the man you fell in love with. You shook your hand slightly, telling him without words to hurry before you started yelling and he chuckled lowly before grudgingly lifting his own pinky out to meet yours. You wrapped your significantly smaller limb around his to seal the promise and maybe it was the sparks that flew from the contact, but it really felt as if it were being made in stone.

You expected Sehun to pull away, but he didn’t. Instead, he watched you with deep controlled breaths, as if waiting for you to make the first move. You concentrated on the contact, reveling in it as if you were being starved and you guessed in a way you were. Starved of having Sehun like this, having him close to you in a way that felt surreally intimate.

Too intimate.

It dawned on you that the two of you had been holding pinkies longer than deemed friendly and you jerked your hand away, scooting as far away from your best friend as the bed allowed.

Why had you held on for so long? What was that? Confusion filled you as you thought about how strange Sehun had been acting since you got there. An awkward silence formed around you both like a giant bubble and the only way you could think to pop it was by pulling out your phone to ‘read’ messages you weren’t getting. You used this time to force your heart to calm down, to force your brain to stop overthinking things and just relax for once.

“So,” Sehun began and you nearly sighed with relief. “The semester ends this week. Kim Junmyeon is throwing an end of the semester party on Saturday.”

You hummed a reply, eyes still glued to your screen even though you couldn’t tell him what you were looking at. You were trying to remain cool, as if he wasn’t controlling the beat of your heart like an orchestra conductor. 

“I was wondering if we could go together?”

All logical thought flew out the window. Your body stiffened at his words and the confusion you were already feeling grew. What was his reasoning for this? Didn’t he just breakup with his girlfriend? Was he hinting that he wanted to go with you as something more? There you went again, reading too much into things, but still….

“I mean,” he backtracked. “I’m not with Joy anymore and I kind of don’t want to go alone and you’re my best friend, so it only makes sense if—”

Of course! You are his best friend. That’s all you’ll ever be to him. He’ll never see you as a lover; never see you in the same light you see him. You’ve told yourself this repeatedly, like a mantra, yet he held your pinky for two seconds longer than normal and you’re now mentally planning your wedding. Your mood changed dramatically and you just wanted to go home, regretting coming in the first place. This was a mistake. You should’ve just let him continue ignoring you for reasons unbeknownst to you. You should’ve just let him deal with his breakup the strange new way he wanted to.

“Alright,” you cut him off, not wanting him to continue throwing knifes into your chest. He stared at you with his mouth hanging open. You slid your phone back into your jeans with a sigh, already going to gather your belongings.

“Alright?” He repeated in confused confirmation. 

Irritation awoke within you and you nodded stiffly. “Yeah, it makes sense. We can even drag Kyungsoo along. It’ll be fun.”

You could hear how dead your voiced sounded, how tired, but currently didn’t have enough energy to care. 

His perfectly shaped eyebrows furrowed, he knew just as well as you that Kyungsoo disliked parties and him going wouldn’t lead to ‘fun’. He opened his mouth, probably to question you, but you were done with the situation.

Still annoyed, and honestly wanting to hurt him like he did you, you asked a question. “Speaking of Joy, how are you feeling?”

“I….” he shook his head, trying to keep up with the turns the conversation was taking. You almost felt bad for the man. Almost. He remained quiet for a moment, thinking carefully about his answer. You held your breath in anticipation. He hadn’t brought up Joy or the breakup since first mentioning it a week ago and you were curious. Curious about how he was holding up, about his mental state, about him. Breakups were never easy, no matter who was breaking the heart, and despite outward appearances, Sehun was tender hearted and always prayed for everyone’s happiness.

“Okay,” He settled on and you exhaled with disappointment. He was shutting you out yet again. “I’m getting over it.”

“Yeah?” You questioned, hoping he would get the hint and be more honest with you. He didn’t take the bait and you smiled sadly. “Well, this party should help you with that.”

“I hope so,” he replied, gazing at you intently as if he’s trying to convey more with his eyes.

“Well, I’m glad we’re talking again,” you said. Getting off the bed, you grabbed your belongings and head to the door. “I’ll text you for more details about the party okay?”

“Okay. Good luck on your finals.”

“You too. Goodbye, Sehun.” 

You leave without looking back.

~*~

“Would you stop pouting?” Kyungsoo asked. You glanced at the rearview mirror, locking eyes with the man through it. “It’s not our fault you lost at straws!”

“But you don’t even drink!” Your frown deepened and your fingers tightened around the wheel of the vehicle you were driving.

You all were on your way to Kim Junmyeon’s and all you were looking forward to about it was drinking away the pain of finals and Sehun, but those plans diminished as soon as you lost at straws and became designated driver. What made matters worse was that out of the three of you, you drank the most.

“All I had to look forward too was drinking until I passed out in an attempt to make up for the hours I lost studying, but now all I can do is watch others do that while completely sober!”

“If you want, I can DD for yo—”

“No!” Both you and Kyungsoo shouted, silencing Sehun immediately. He was sat beside you in the passenger seat, distracting you with his effortless beauty. Even though you were still angry with him, you understood that it was yourself you were actually angry with. It wasn’t his fault he wasn’t in love with you and he was still going through a breakup.

“This night is all about you,” Kyungsoo pressed in a calmer tone.

“Yeah,” you chimed in. “If any of us need a drink, it’s you, Sehun.”

He scoffed. “I told both of you I’m alright, but if you two insist.”

He patted your head fondly and the affection drew out a smile.

Junmyeon’s driveway was already crowded when you finally pulled in. He came from a well off family and also modeled on the side, so he had a lot of money and his home, as modest as he tried to make it appear, showed it.

This was a hang out spot for your friends, but no matter how many times you’ve been here, the shock never wore off. You noticed a bunch of familiar cars as you got out of yours. Junmyeon decided against throwing one of his infamous college ragers, instead settling on a Christmas get-together with his close friends and you were thankful for that. Kim Junmyeon did have a lot of friends though.

“Alright, let’s go.” You wrapped your arms around one of Kyungsoo’s and he lifted an eyebrow questioningly. Instead of answering his gesture, you pulled him towards the house, ignoring the hot gaze focused on your shared contact with Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo yanked the heavy wooden front door open and dragging you in. The foyer was littered with friends and you greeted them happily as you stepped deeper into the house. Kyungsoo’s forest green sweater was itchy to the touch and you wondered how he wasn’t scratching, but the thought left you as a hand pressed firmly against your hip. Your head snapped up to see Sehun closing in beside you, trying not to get lost. With his skin burning you through your ugly sweater, you thanked the lord you weren’t drinking cause God only knew what alcohol would convince you into doing when it came to your best friend.

“Sehun!” The three of you spun around and saw one of Sehun’s roommates, Park Chanyeol, waving a hand to catch his just as tall roommate’s attention. You made your way over to Chanyeol and he led you to the kitchen.

“Nice to see you all finally made it,” he said and you could tell he was already pretty buzzed. He poured two cups and handed one to Sehun, which he politely took, but Kyungsoo and you declined the other one. With a shrug, Chanyeol chugged the entire cup and burped loudly when he finished. Kyungsoo scowled at the action. He wasn’t that big of a fan of the rest of your friend group and that was probably a reason.

“This place is pretty packed for a small Christmas party,” Chanyeol stated, glancing around. Not a corner was empty. At least forty people were present and you heard the door open again as others entered. It looked like it wasn’t going to be that small after all.

“Where’s Junmyeon?” You asked.

Chanyeol smirked and wiggled his eyebrows. “Why? Do you have a meeting with his mouth later?”

“She doesn’t like Junmyeon like that!” Sehun snapped before you could unleash something witty. You pouted with disappointment because it was a great comeback before turning to your best friend, eyeing him as he made a point to glare at Chanyeol. His eyes squinted with more disdain at what left his roommate’s mouth after.

“Oh, so you’re with Kyungsoo then?” At the mention of his name, Kyungsoo slid a foot away from you.

“Are you?” Sehun asked, staring at you intently.

“What? No! Kyungsoo and I aren’t dating, you weirdo!” The urge to hit the top of his head was strong but you refrained because he looked rather crestfallen.

“We would definitely have told you if we were…which we’re not.” Kyungsoo added logically.

“So then, you’re on the market?” Chanyeol stepped closer to you and you took a step back, hitting a brick wall that held your hips lightly.

“Chanyeol, please leave her alone,” Sehun ordered behind you, sounding tired.

“But—”

Sehun slid from behind you and grabbed Chanyeol’s arm, leading him over to the bar where bottles of various liquors twinkled temptingly under the kitchen lights.

With Chanyeol gone, Kyungsoo felt safe enough to stand beside you again. Your arms touched as you leaned in so that you could hear him over the blaring music. “Sehun didn’t seem to like that so much.”

You shrugged, trying not to read too much into what just happened. Instead, you watched Sehun throw back a shot. His back muscles rippled underneath his tight long sleeve shirt and it made your mouth dry.

“He looked sort of jealous, huh? At the idea of you and me.”

You laughed at Kyungsoo’s words. “Sehun? Jealous? I don’t think he even knows what that word means.”

You shook your head at the ridiculousness he had implied. He shrugged. 

“Doesn’t seem that hard to believe.” He muttered lowly. The bass of the music swallowed his words before you heard them.

“Come on,” you nudged him, needing a distraction that wasn’t alcohol. “I saw some cards on the dining table. Let’s try to have some fun.”

An hour passed and Kyungsoo and you had been keeping yourselves soberly busy. It was tough, the need to drink strong as Sehun came in and out of the kitchen. For the most part, he remained by your side, but then Junmyeon finally revealed himself and kidnapped Sehun. You weren’t too worried though. In fact, you were relieved. Sehun needed this. Needed to let go of his troubles and allow himself to have fun. He held a lot inside and seeing him carefree made you happy, despite not being on the same level.

“Oh shit,” Kyungsoo said, straightening up in his seat. He was looking at something right behind you, so you turned around and froze at the sight.

Joy had arrived.

She wore a sparkling red dress that ended mid thigh, her glossy, long, dark brown hair blew in a wind you knew wasn’t there, her make up was perfect and she looked utterly gorgeous, there was no denying that. You could see why Sehun was so infatuated with her. 

She glided into the kitchen as if she was floating, a flirty smile sat on her face and you wondered how she appeared so unbothered.

“Her and Sehun are more similar than I thought,” you voiced aloud. Joy didn’t seem to notice her ex boyfriend’s best friends as she made her way over to the bar and a boy rushed to get her and her four friends drinks. She winked at him before sipping the warm liquid, bopping to the music nonchalantly.

“Shit,” Kyungsoo swore again.

“What now?” You asked, turning yet again in time to see Sehun frozen in the threshold of the kitchen. Your heart stopped at the blank expression on his face as he stared at Joy.

“Sehun!” You recognized Joy’s sweet voice over the music and caught her waving him over. When he remained in place, she rolled her eyes and pushed away from the counter she was leaning on, heading over to him.

He exited the area, but she was on his tail, following him out of your sight.

“What just happened?” You asked breathlessly. Kyungsoo must’ve shrugged because he didn’t answer verbally. You felt like throwing up suddenly. “Should we go after them?”

“Nah,” Kyungsoo answered. You sunk into your seat with a pout. You hoped they weren’t going to hook up. It was selfish of you, but you honestly didn’t believe that you could handle Sehun getting back with Joy. Your heart would shatter to pieces so fine they’d turn to dust dare you try to touch them.

Kyungsoo leaned over the table, ruining your discarded game and studied you intently.

“What?” You snapped after a long silence.

As if that were the reaction he wanted, he smirked knowingly. “You love him.”

“As if.” You denied, but your voice was thick with hurt, a dead giveaway.

“I can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier. You’re so obvious.”

“Shut up,” you whined, throwing a card at him.

He sunk back into his chair, crossing his arms over his chest so that you were in identical positions. “Why haven’t you confessed?”

“Because.” You began with an eye roll. “Sehun doesn’t love me. Not like that. I’m sure of it, so why ruin a good thing?”

There’s a brief pause and you found yourself shaking from nerves. You hadn’t told anyone about your feelings for Sehun, and doing so now made you feel exposed in the worst way. 

Finally, Kyungsoo whistled lowly. “No wonder you wanted to drink.”

“Wow. You’re such a supportive friend,” you said sarcastically, causing him to chuckle.

“Seriously though, I’m sure Sehun does fe—”

You’re attention was brought elsewhere when Joy reentered the kitchen. You caught her eye and she smiled at you knowingly before returning to her friends. They chatted briefly before heading out into the party, not giving you a backwards glance.

“I…I need some air,” you informed Kyungsoo. Ignoring his calls for you, you quickly made your way out through the living room where double French doors lead to a patio. There were a few people outside, but none you were close to, so you were alone. The winter chill woke you up and you took a shaky breath, trying to reign in the tears threatening to fall. You hated how easily Sehun could affect you without trying. You hated how easily you let your imagination dictate your emotions. Nothing could’ve happened between Sehun and Joy. Maybe they were just catching up. Maybe Joy was asking him if he could give her back some things she left? Maybe they made out in a closet? Who knew? You sure as hell didn’t and that fact ate you alive. Also, why the hell did Joy give you that smug look? As if she knew how you felt about him and wanted to make you suffer? 

You wanted to go home.

You stayed outside for a long while. You weren’t sure for how long exactly, could’ve been mere minutes, could’ve been over an hour, but someone called your name, drawing you out of your sorrow and you blinked blankly at a wider than the usually wide-eyed Kyungsoo.

“I’ve been searching everywhere for you!” He said, clearly out of breath. He held your shoulders and studied your tear-stained face. “You’re freezing.”

You only shrugged in reply. He bit his lip briefly before taking a deep breath. “I talked to Joy.”

“So?” You asked.

“So she told me her side of the story.”

“Okay?”

He let out an exasperated breath. “Sehun lied to us. He didn’t break up with Joy, she broke up with him.”

That seemed to wake you up a little. “What? Why would he lie about that?”

“Because.” A small smiled formed on his face. “Because he was probably hiding the reason as to why she dumped him.”

You waited for him to tell you but he just remained smiling creepily. “So, are you going to tell me or…?”

His hands dropped from your shoulders and he straightened up. “I think it’s best if you heard it from him.”

You narrowed your eyes. “I’m really not in the mood for games, Kyungsoo. Just tell me.”

“Nope.” Kyungsoo said stubbornly. “Go find him. I haven’t seen him since he talked to Joy, who knows what condition he’s in now.”

As much as you wanted to pry the truth from him, and as much as you didn’t want to see Sehun, the fact that he’d been M.I.A. for a while left you concerned. With a groan, you shoved past Kyungsoo and stomped back inside the party. The booming bass quickly swallowed his chortles. The get together was now a full-blown party and you fought through the crowd. You had no idea where to start searching for Sehun, but luckily, once you returned to the kitchen, you spotted the host himself.

You quickly made your way over to Junmyeon, whose lovely face was bright red and eyes were permanently closed.

“Kim Junmyeon!” You shouted. You swore the music was somehow louder than before you went outside.

He asked if it was you and you nodded with confirmation before questioning him. “Have you seen Sehun?”

“Yeah, he’s there,” he slurred, pointing up. He was so drunk that he stumbled around even though he was just standing there.

“Where?” You hollered, almost positive you were going to lose your voice the next day. Again, he just pointed up in no particular direction. With a sigh, you grabbed an empty cup and filled it with water, handing it to him. “Drink this.” 

He chugged it without a fight, smiling warmly at you and for a brief second, you were struck by his adorableness, but you really needed to find your best friend. You thanked him before rushing out. As soon as you left the kitchen, you noticed the stairs and realized what Junmyeon’s pointing meant.

Taking two steps at a time, you made it to the second floor in a flash. The long hall was sprinkled with people coming in and out of rooms. There were three doors on each side and one directly across from you. This could take a while.

The bathroom was preoccupied and the first three rooms you entered were also—and you were going to be scarred for life now, so there was that. You entered a room you knew was Junmyeon’s bedroom and saw it was empty. You went to close the door when you heard a noise and paused.

It was singing.

Really bad singing but only because the person was really drunk. You crept further into the massive room and spotted another closed door with light coming from underneath it.

You nearly died laughing from the scene.

Sehun was almost passed out in the tub, at least three empty bottles of beer were surrounding him and he held another bottle, pausing his singing to take a quick swig of it before continuing his off key tune.

He finally spotted you and once he did he smiled so brilliantly bright you had to close your eyes. He cheered your name; clearly glad you were there.

“You found me! You found me!” He cheered excitedly. He was beyond drunk, beyond intoxicated. You were surprised he was still awake, that was how drunk he was.

“You alright?” You asked, heading over and kneeling beside the tub.

He caressed your face with a nod. “I am now.”

“Come on, it’s time for you to go home.” You reached for him, but he pulled you to a stop.

“Wait! There’s…there’s something I need…tosay.”

He struggled to sit straight. “I—I lied to you. I lied to me too.”

“We can talk about this later, Sehun. Right now, we need to get to the car. Can you walk?”

“I learned howto w—alk as a kid. Of course I know how to…. walk.” He rolled his eyes and you grinned, glad his drunkenness didn’t diminish his fire.

It took some time, but Sehun eventually stumbled out of the tub. With one arm slung over your shoulder, the pair of you wobbled out into Junmyeon’s empty hallway, slowly traveling towards the stairs.

“This is all Joy’s fault,” Sehun slurred in your ear with a pout.

“How so?” You asked, straining to prevent your jealousy to leak into your voice.

“Cause she had to bring up the—” He hiccupped “—the breakup. She’s stressing me…out.”

“You’re this fucked up because Joy brought up the break up?” You confirmed. He must’ve taken it way harder than you thought if this was how he reacted to her bringing it up.

He nodded furiously. “She keeps pressuring me to confess. But! I don’tthink I can.”

“Confess?” You asked. You were now at the stairs. With a deep breath, you tightened your grip around Sehun’s middle and braced yourself, taking one step at a time carefully.

“Yeah.” He let out a long tired sigh. “She’s sure I’m in love with someone else. That’s why she broke up with me.”

You nearly dropped him due to your shock. Luckily, you were quick enough to catch the both of you. Your heart sunk at his words. It was bad enough having to watch him be with Joy, but knowing that there was somebody else? That you had lost the race before even getting the chance to play crushed you. Your breathing was labored and you had to stop on the step to get your emotions in check.

“I—I thought you were the one who ended things?”

“Nope. It was all her.” He rested more heavily on you and you struggled more as you started walking again. “She’s right, of course. She always is.”

Tears sat precariously on your water line at his words. You were so done crying over this man, but he obviously wasn’t done hurting you. What made it worse was how clueless to your pain he was. He inflicted it, but was oblivious to what he was doing.

“I’m in love with you and she somehow knew that before I did. Isn’t that weird?”

“What?” You asked in shock. You passed the last step and got thrown into the party. You’re entire body went numb; you couldn’t feel anything around you. His words weren’t registering in your head. They kept replaying over and over, but you didn’t understand them, it was is if he spoke in another language.

“Kyungsoo!” Sehun squealed as your friend somehow found you both. Without saying a word, he grabbed Sehun’s other arm, slinging it around his neck.

“Let’s get your drunk ass home,” he said, leading you out of the party. You unconsciously follow along, not really paying attention. Sehun was still talking, mumbling under his breath so lowly you couldn’t make out anything he said. You did catch your name a time or two.

The walk to the car seemed to take forever, you were so immersed in your thoughts you weren’t aware that you made it until Kyungsoo said your name, waking you from your trance. You slipped from under Sehun and went to open the passenger door for him. He huffed as all of Sehun’s weight was distributed to his shoulders and practically threw the man into the vehicle before bending over to buckle him in. You barely made out Sehun cupping Kyungsoo’s face affectionately, but it did gain a small grin from you.

Kyungsoo pulled away and closed the door before turning to you. “Are you alright?”

You quickly nodded your head but the action seemed forced and he caught it, opting on not commenting on it.

“Can you drive?” You asked, not really in the right state of mind to be driving. Kyungsoo gazed at you intently, but still remained silent. Without a word, he reached for the keys, which you handed over graciously before diving into the backseat.

Sehun was already passed out and you were relieved. You didn’t think you could handle anything else he had to reveal.

You made it to Sehun’s house in no time. Kyungsoo helped you carry him in and get him into bed. Kyungsoo left the room to get some blankets so that you both could sleep in the living room, but you lingered, watching Sehun for a moment in awe.

Had he really confessed to you?

It felt like a dream, like you made the whole thing up. Shaking you head, you took a step away from the bed, but his hand came up to clasp your wrist.

“Stay,” was all he said. Eyes still closed.

“Sehun,” you whispered. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

He grumbled. “Please. I don’t want you to leave me.”

With a sigh and a quick glance to the door, you slid under the blankets, joining him. Sehun instantly wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him so that your head was tucked under his. His sighed with content and murmured your name quietly before dozing off. It felt nice, natural, being in his arms like that and you hated how easy it was.

Your mind was too awake for sleep to hit.

Oh Sehun, your best friend, just admitted to having feelings for you, and you didn’t know how to react.

For one, he was drunk. But the saying did go that drunken words were sober thoughts, right? It explained his odd behavior towards you the past couple weeks. Maybe he had to come to terms with the reality of being in love with his best friend. Maybe, like you, he assumed you didn’t reciprocate those new found feelings of his. You could feel your heart racing, you felt breathless and frightened, but also relieved. Oh Sehun was in love with you. That thought as well as his calming breaths allowed you to drift away and join Sehun into dreamland.

~*~

It was Christmas Eve.

It had been a full week since Junmyeon’s party and you hadn’t seen Sehun once since.

You were avoiding him.

Mostly due to embarrassment because the morning after the party, Sehun didn’t remember anything he said, didn’t remember confessing to you, and the content smile that hadn’t left your face since you fell asleep melted like ice in the sun as your heart cracked.

Maybe he didn’t love you after all?

That sentence had been haunting you since then and you couldn’t bring yourself to see him. Kyungsoo had been chastising you the entire time, practically begging you to stop being paranoid and just confess already, but you couldn’t. Your biggest fear, the one holding you back the most—besides him being with Joy—was being the only one that felt anything and forever changing the dynamic between the two.

You would rather live a life of one-sided misery than lose him completely.

“I already told you, Kyungsoo! I’m not going!” You yelled into the receiver of your phone. You were currently nestled in blankets on your couch, watching cheesy Christmas romcoms and crying into a bowl of caramel popcorn.

A deep sigh left his lips. “It’s our annual Christmas Eve party! We’ve been doing this for four years now and suddenly you don’t want to go?”

Guilt made you mute. He was right, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to see Sehun. You were currently dealing the heartbreak and didn’t need the one that caused it near you; it would only make it worse.

“I’m sorry,” you were finally able to muster.

“You’re stronger than this. At least, I thought so.” He sighed. “I’ll come by later, okay? We can watch some movies and drink hot chocolate. Sound good?”

“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

You could practically hear his eyes roll. “Yeah, yeah.”

After hanging up, you immersed yourself in self-pity. Bailing on a Christmas tradition left you feeling so guilty it was eating you alive and you hoped your dear friends were enjoying themselves without you. 

It felt bitter. Here you were surrounded by sparkly Christmas decorations during a time to be with those you cherished most, but you felt so alone. It was all your doing, you knew, so you tried not to wallow in your loneliness. 

Hard banging caused you to jump and you froze with popcorn dangling out of your mouth. The banging started again and you yelped, wrapping a blanket over your head for safety. 

The knocks were angry and you had no idea who they could belong to. Kyungsoo didn’t seem that upset, but maybe you were wrong.

You fearfully tiptoed to the front door; the vibrations from the knocks could be felt under your feet. With a gulp, you opened the door, but the person on the other side noticed and ripped it open, a tall figure hovered menacingly over you.

“How could you?” Sehun wailed. You blinked in confusion, not expecting him at all. His breathing was labored and you could feel the chill of outside still clutching onto his body. His cheeks were red from the cold and his eyes were wide with anger.

“Sehun?” Was all you could get out. You had never seen him like this and it frightened you.

His wide eyes narrowed into slits. “You honestly were going to ditch our eve party? We do this every year, how could you?”

Oh, so that’s why he was mad. The guilt rose in your throat again as you lowered your head in shame.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized. He didn’t even allow you to get the whole sentence out before he slammed the front door shut with rage, causing you to jump again.

“Oh, you’re sorry? That’s all you have to say for yourself? Will you at least tell me the reason why you’re not going?”

You had never seen him so livid. You scrambled for an acceptable excuse, but was so distracted by his fury aimed at you.

“Save it,” he snarled. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at you mockingly. “It wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact you’ve been avoiding me, has it?”

You were amazed by how well he knew you. It was almost comical because despite that, he never knew the abundant love you carried for him.

“What? You think I wouldn’t notice? I have no idea what I did to make you mad at me, but this is a tad ridiculous, don’t you think? This holiday means a lot to me, this party means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me, and if you’re not there then what is even the point of going?”

Tears sprang into your eyes at his words. Despite what you feel for him romantically, Oh Sehun was your best friend, and not taking part of this event made you a bad friend, because this meant so much to him. The guilt you were feeling overwhelmed and crushed you like a tsunami wave, drowning you as you stared up at Sehun who was waiting for you to respond.

“Sehun…. I’m so sorry. It really wasn’t my intention to make you think that. It’s not you I’m mad at it’s myself. I…” You swallowed some courage and let your heart talk. “Lately, I’ve been feeling different towards you to the point that it physically hurts me to be around you. I just need some time, some distance so I can figure it all out. That way, I can be the best friend you deserve. I can’t be that right now and I’m sor—”

Sehun cupped your face and suddenly his mouth was on yours. You completely froze in surprise, and he pulled away to shift his head, kissing you again, much softer this time and you melted.

Your lips separated and he pressed his forehead to yours. “I don’t want you to be just my friend. I want so much more than that.”

His thumbs went to work, wiping the tears that fell from your cheeks and you whimpered.

He grinned at you. “I’ll admit I’m a little late to realize this, but I want you close to me. I’ve always needed you near me, but for years made myself believe it was only because you were my friend. I’ve always got upset whenever you talked about other guys and I even started to not like Kyungsoo because I thought you were secretly dating. I told myself it was because I was hurt you didn’t trust me enough, but I realized it was because I didn’t want any guy with you.”

“But Joy?” You asked.

He lifted his head thoughtfully, though his hands never left your face. “I think I was using her. I hate to admit it, but she liked me and you didn’t. I thought she would be a good distraction from…whatever it was I was feeling. But she caught on also. She broke up with me, telling me that there was somebody else in my heart and I was being too stubborn to admit it to myself. She told me it was you. That she always knew it was you and that I needed to just ask you out already.” He rolled his eyes. “She supports us one hundred percent and has been nagging me since the breakup to do something about it.”

“What about the party?” You pressed.

“She was asking if I had confessed yet. I was so nervous, so sure you didn’t feel the same way and I guess the nerves and doubt got the best of me because I drank way more than I should’ve. I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“No, actually….” You bit your lip in an attempt to hide your smile. “You confessed.”

His eyebrow rose. “I did?”

“Yeah, you told me you were in love with me.”

“Well,” he scratched his neck nervously. “I—I am.”

He squared his shoulders and gazed down at you seriously. “I’m in love with you.”

You finally allowed your smile to shine at his confession. “I love you too, Sehun.”

His smile matched yours. “You do?”

“Of course I do! Why do you think I’ve been avoiding you? You confessed and forgot about it the next day! I thought you had lied to me! I was crushed!”

“Well, let me make it up to you.” He smiled knowingly as he pulled something out of his coat pocket. He held out his palm and a small black box sat on it.

You opened it and gasped as a sparkly silver necklace with a small dog tag with his initials engraved on it shown brightly against the Christmas tree lights. You picked it up, gazing at it in wonder.

“Here’s a token of my heart, which I give fully to you.”

You were overwhelmed with your emotions and a wave of relief hit you. You hopped around excitedly asking him to put it on you. He laughed at your reaction and gently clasped the necklace around your neck. The dog tag sat firmly against your chest, right on top of your heart and you felt it’s weight.

Once you turned back around to face Sehun, you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him down so that you could kiss him again. His once cold lips warmed up instantly from the sweet contact as his hands held you at the waist, drawing you nearer.

You both were still kissing when a small knock was heard and your front door opened.

“Thank god!” You recognized Kyungsoo’s voice and pulled away. He was leaning against the doorframe, smiling at the two of you fondly. “It’s about time!”

“Shut up,” you said, though it lacked any hostility.

“Well now that you’re both together, let’s go downtown. We have just enough time to catch some Christmas lights!” He exited the house and you stared up at Sehun.

“Do you want to go?” He asked, dropping a quick kiss on your forehead.

“I do now,” you revealed, rushing to grab a coat before taking his outstretched hand.

He was the greatest gift you had ever gotten.