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invinciblerodent · 7 years ago

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Propositioned by the Billionaire Moose - A moose(!!!) shifter romance liveblog (Part IV)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4. We’re making our way through this, aren’t we.

And let me take the time to say this now- I read a couple reviews on Goodreads because that’s just the kind of person I am, and…. I’m honestly shocked how many good things people have to say about this? Both the book, and the author’s other works? Because this.... is objectively pretty bad. Or blah at best.

Makes me sad for the people who read this and thought it was good, because to be quite honest with you guys… to have your baseline for quality be this, you have to be reading some truly garbage books.

And I’m not saying that in reference to the genre, I LOVE me a good romance, I have read many, and it’s actually super easy to get me all tingly and blushy on the inside. This is just bad.

(Seriously, the last thing I read where I remember feeling all fluttery was when -spoiler alert- the romantic subplot in Artemis reached its end, and there was almost ZERO buildup there. They just… were friends, did some stuff together, and then kissed. And that was it. That was enough to make me like them, because the protagonists weren’t charmless dingbats with no communicative ability whatsoever.)

Okay. Chapter 10. Here we go. Let’s get. Through. This. (So I can start reading things I actually want to read. Yet another sidebar, the biggest downside of working in a bookstore isn’t that my manicure chips literally on day 1, but that every day, I end up coming home with a note in my pocket of like…. six titles of books I wanna check out. Upside, since it’s all Hungarian translations, most of the time anything with a foreign author is already available in English online, heeeeeeeeeey)

(For reference, right now the tabs of books I have open are this, a Hungarian erotic novel [the author of which recently came to our store for a signing [and he was super nice so I wanted to see his work- not impressive but decent, and I enjoy it more knowing that the dude is just generally a real Quality Person and tbqh hot as hell but you didn’t hear that from me], A Handmaiden’s Tale, and a book about clinical depression. I am a very colorful person with varied interests.)

To kick things off, I’m starting to think that after writing, the author just did a search-replace, and changed every time they said “female” to “feline”. I sure am starting to read the two in the same voice. (Which is to say, every time I see “female” as a noun, in my head I do that shrill, exaggerated voice Jim Sterling does when he says it, like “FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEmale”. FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEline.)

Oh, and Melanie apparently doesn’t understand the concept of why someone would want to open a door for her, just out of courtesy. Which, okay, I don’t require it either, and it does make me feel kind of eeeeengh inside, but I mean it, this woman literally does not understand it. And if that was an attempt at making her come off as a feminist, it backfired, and ended up making her come off as startlingly ignorant. She should have just said “I don’t need/want it, thanks”, and I would have respected her a lot more than I do for “uhhhhhh why would you do that????? I can open the door too????? Why is that considered polite???????” and getting back in the car to be mischievous, and by that I mean waste my fucking time.

She also makes holding hands sound like he’s dragging her across the courtyard, and boy, if that ain’t accurate. (tbh, ten chapters in, and this guy has yet to properly turn into a moose. At this point I want an Animorphs-style transformation that vividly describes the agony of his innards liquefying. I want explicit details, my man. I want to read about his digits fusing together into a hoof.)

Anyway, they have a butler who calls him “Master Bryce” and her “his lady friend” (even though she’s supposed to be his fiancée, not his gal-pal), and for a couple chapters there I legit forgot what his name was.

Melanie is beside herself because it’s all so beautiful and luxurious. And not to be a party pooper, but I’m also a poor fuck speaking here, and that’s obnoxious. Both the four paragraphs of descriptions of his lavish wealth and her going gaga over it. Ew.

Anyway, Bryce is surprised that Chanice is Rory’s fiancée (which I called, like, five chapters ago) because he’s a big dumb idiot, and here comes Grandpa’s Smelltest. Hope she remembered to wear deodorant, I know how stinky cats can get.

Ah, delightful. Remind me why Bryce hasn’t told her shit yet? Like, I think he knows that she has no idea, so??????? Why doesn’t he tell her? Why did he not first transform in front of her to make sure she believes him? Because if HE can tell and HE knows it can’t be faked, why does he not demonstrate that she can trust him???????

Then again, what am I doing, wanting proper communication in a bad romance novel. What am I doing. Why do I not learn.

So all five of them proceed to engage in very hostile small talk with one another, and both she and Bryce mutter unfortunate things under their breaths. I guess it’s a match made in heaven, with how the both of them appear to have no filter. Lovely couple, shit-talking, out loud, in company.

I’m starting to really like this Rory character. At least he has some damn insight. Shame that the book is blatantly setting up some sort of murder-ploy against our lovely and not at all fucking immature hero, but whatever. Remind me to be surprised when Rory turns out not to be their cousin, and to attempt to murder Creepozoid.

Anyway, with that, a physical fight breaks out, and Grandpa Piss (because I sure as fuck am not calling an 80-something man Theo) just shrugs and literally says “boys will be boys” while his grandson and nephew pummel each other on the ground, and, appalled, Melanie….. leaves? She straight up walks out? I assume the other girl just kept eating because there is no mention of her, but... can we all agree that this is weird?

Like, does that sound like someone trying to sell being ready to marry one of them? Wouldn’t you worry about the person you love getting socked in the face? Or really, just, if you see a physical fight break out in a room where there are literally only five people, at least yell “stop” or something? Isn’t that natural? I thought it was?????????

So, she has the really bright idea to walk home, but he ends up following her in the car, slowing beside her, and growling at her to get in, but she’s being stubborn because reasons, but eventually, she realizes that walking alone in the woods at night is stupid, and gets in.

WHAT CHARM. OH YEAH, THE GUY WHO JUST INITIATED A FISTFIGHT OVER A FAMILY DINNER DURING WHICH HIS “FUTURE WIFE” WAS TO MEET HIS ONLY LIVING FAMILY. THAT GUY IS CHARMING BECAUSE HE SAID SOMETHING SEXIST.

Chapter 11 just switches POVs in the same scene, and I’ve gotta say my piece about this- I hate it when books do that. When they flip-flop between two perspectives within the same story. I hate that. It’s jarring as fuck. It’s okay when the chapters are long and, say, the story follows multiple threads (like in The Song of Ice and Fire) or multiple timelines (like in Broken Earth), but FOR GOD’S SAKE, if your protagonists are sitting in the same car, together, having a conversation, what is to be gained by switching which one of them we focus on? You want to show us what they’re thinking? THEN HAVE AN OMNISCIENT NARRATOR. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO STICK TO ONE PERSON, WHO SAID THAT YOU HAVE TO USE THIRD PERSON LIMITED. JEEZ.

Anyway. Getting sidetracked. That’s just a pet peeve of mine, and apparently tonight I’m very scatterbrained. This is not helping.

So Bryce’s perspective is just…. Inconsequential. He doesn’t really have interesting thoughts. He’s, like, thinking about how Melanie is Cool and Different because she’s repulsed by snobbery, and that that must mean she likes HIM as a person and not his money.

Personally, I don’t think there is much about this dude to like. He’s just… aggressive (as demonstrated), quick to anger, selfish (not only in his treatment of Melanie, but he also used the word “steal” regarding an inheritance he was never given, which made me wonder what makes him think it was his in the first place), and has no idea what the words “back off” mean. Again, red flags galore.

He also seems to get a boner every time he sees her.

I don’t get The Straights, man. I don’t know why you, the most likely straight female author, would project onto your characters that you want the dude you’re on a date with to be constantly thinking about sex, and not, say, getting to know you. I’m too queer for this shit, and I still like dudes too????????

Oh, and he also says that his grandpa might be spying on them, so he kisses her, I quote, “before she could protest”. Meaning that she intended to protest. Charming.

So they start making out on the porch anyway.

S I N C E W H E N

Does this author know that moose are prey animals? I know they’re huge and dangerous and are capable of killing bears and wolves and stuff, but THAT DOESN’T MAKE THEM FUCKING PREDATORS?????????

I mean, if he thinks of himself in the second sense, then yes, I can get behind it, but the first, nah. Nah son, you’re the hippo of the forest. The only reason you’re not actively hunted and eaten is because you’re big, and most predators in your habitat are simply not big enough to hurt you.

Maybe “moose” was another search-replace? Like maybe the author was going with a bear at first, and then decided that that would make the book 98% identical to five others, so she changed it to a moose in the last second?

Who knows.

The chapter ends with his phone ringing, and she rushes inside (maybe she should have been the deer, she seems to be fleeing from everywhere), and the caller telling him that the factory is on fire.

Which would make for a twist much more interesting, but with the end of the chapter we cut back to Melanie’s POV, and since she can’t sleep, that’s what we’re talking about. Not the factory that went up in a blaze for no particular reason, but the fact that this girl can’t sleep.

Eugh. So I had planned to stop there, but since we’d be leving on a weird note, here’s. Chapter 12. The nurse (Martha? Lots of M-names here, I think the mom was something like Maizie or something like that, makes distinction hard) drugged Melanie’s mom and left. She worries through the night about not wanting to get involved with Bryce, and in the morning, he shows up covered in soot. They literally skipped the most interesting thing that has happened in this book so far in order to spend two pages reiterating what had already been said like four times.

I’m as bored as you are.

And instead of going home to shower and sleep (which is what I would do if I had been wearing my uncomfortable suit from yesterday, while dealing with a factory fire all night), he comes to her house to ask her out for lunch. Because nothing is sexier than a picnic with a stinky, messy, unwashed man who has not slept all night, I guess. At least outside the stink won’t be obvious?

The next exchange between her and her mother, I have to show to you guys so you’ll know I’m not exaggerating.

Keep in mind, Melanie is supposed to be 22. (I swear, her age fluctuates WILDLY between, like… 15, and 45.)

See what I mean when I say this woman is a cartoon character? What human being talks like this? To her ADULT DAUGHTER? This is either a case of the author being too hamfisted to intentionally create an unlikable character (they are quite capable of making it happen on accident, given our dashing hero), or this character grappling with some… much deeper issues. Like, even if she thinks Melanie isn’t mature enough to date (AT TWENTY FUCKING TWO YEARS OLD), yelling abuse at her is… not the way to handle this?

And yeah, I still don’t care for Melanie as a character, but man, I can’t help but feel offended on her behalf.

Also the mother chooses now to say that Melanie’s father didn’t leave them, but that it was her who grabbed an infant, and left her husband because she suspected that he was cheating. Allegedly. At this point I find even that questionable because this is Just That Kind Of Book™ where the female guardian is unhinged and irrational, and the man will SURELY turn out to have been perfect and right all along.

Anyway, she runs out, and they drive to the woods they first met.

One more annoying thing, and this isn’t specific to this book but I’ll say it anyway- I don’t know how being a shifter would work, not that I think about that a lot, but listen. If you literally had the impulse to react to anything like an animal… I don’t believe that these High Profile Bachelors™ with such piss poor impulse control could ever achieve the status among normal humans that they appear to have. Like, she wants to literally yowl, as a human, because they went to a woods she went to as a lynx and got attacked. How is the guy who INITIATES A FISTFIGHT OVER A FAMILY DINNER going to be a CEO? How? How has he yet to go moosey and tackle half the crew?

I mean I’ll believe it, but only if I……… moost.

Back to the story, she doesn’t want to go to the woods because duh, wolves, and this happens:

I refuse to engage. I’ll just plop this here, and move on.

Also, please stop treating your weird impulses and animal persona as if it was a person separate from you.

This is still not sexy. Or cute. She’s playing will-they-won’t-they with herself, and it’s not cute. These dumb games are still what I consider to be Straight People Bullshit, and they make me sad for the readership and what kind of infuriating, unhealthy relationships they might have been in.

Glad to announce that he’s finally about to tell her that he’s a shifter too and that he knows that she is, btw. Which, yay. Only took him half the book. Call me the Cassandra of Romance because I fucking called it one chapter ago.

I’m sorry, I’m still not over the moose thing. It’s the sparkly vampire reveal all over again. Like it’s supposed to be frightening, but instead it’s just goofy. “I’m the moose” is just GOOFY. Luckily, Melanie seems to share my amusement.

Also, flock of meese.

Anyway, that’s chapter 12, and it was quite enough for now. Next time, we’ll have a real fun time running around the forest. I hope. Idk, this one ends with him tackling her, so really who knows if I’m gonna have a fun time.

The next part can probably be expected… on saturday the 9th. Take care of yourselves, don’t let the weremeese bite you.

#propositioned by the billionaire moose #shifter romance #book review #romance review

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