#sma maroline

[sixmorningsafter]

laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing i'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something i could take to ease my mind slowly just have a drink and you'll feel better just take him home and you'll feel better keep telling me that it gets better does it ever?

[sixmorningsafter]

SMA Flashback, Maroline

Hey guys, I posted this flashback a while ago on ff.net but just in case anyone missed it or skipped it, it’s going to be pretty relevant to the next chapter, so I’m posting it here, too.

Summary: A surprise visit from Matt leaves Caroline reeling, and Bonnie gets a glimpse of what's been going on behind closed doors. TW: implications of domestic abuse.

Emory University Spring Semester, 2012

It was her fault.

He'd driven all the way from Texas to surprise her. Twelve hours in his rattling rust bucket of a 1982 Ford Pickup, windows down, stereo busted, likely listening to nothing but intermittent flares of talk radio between long, mind-numbing stretches of static. Twelve hours of no air conditioning in the southern humidity, of swampy Louisiana, muddy Mississippi, and balmy Alabama whizzing past him in a russet blur of not-quite-summer.

He'd stopped in Houston to get her favorite tacos from Ultimo's Taco Truck—extra guac, no sour cream—and they'd braved the heat in a dingy little cooler in the backseat. He'd even picked up a bottle of her favorite champagne, a bottle she knew he couldn't afford, because he'd wanted to celebrate: he'd been promoted to manager at the Grill. He could finally make a decent salary, enough to chip in for Vicky's rehab—maybe even enough to get a decent place in a year or two.

So really, it was her fault. Most of it, anyway. Maybe all of it.

She hadn't meant to seem unhappy to see him. She just wasn't expecting it. She'd been in the middle of cramming for her microeconomics final, brow furrowed, highlighter a citrine blur in her fingers, when she heard the knock on the door. Seeing Matt standing there with his crinkly-eyed smile, taco bag in one hand and champagne bottle in the other, made her giddily, soaringly, stupidly happy.

It always did.

But it also stressed her out. Her final was on Monday. She needed an absolute knockout performance to pull off a decent grade in the class, and she hadn't budgeted in Matt time. The tension began creeping in about thirty minutes after he got there, right as the rush of surprise began to fade, and like all of her emotions, it shone bright and obvious on her face.

He'd never been big on school, so the concept of caring about grades wasn't something he really sympathized with. She understood where he was coming from—he was only there for the weekend, she could probably just study Sunday night after he left, what did one stupid class matter in the big scheme of things, in the scheme of them, of their heady, hungry, songs-written-about-it kind of story—but obviously not enough, because it started a fight.

The first one, anyway.

The second fight was different, but also her fault. They were twined in her bed, lolling and lazy, naked skin auroral in the fading glow of the Georgia sunset, and even though they'd just made up, even though their last fight had ended a mere orgasm ago, she pushed a bit. About the job, about his goals, about Wimberley and whether he had any plans of getting out of their tiny Texan hometown.

She hadn't meant to sound pushy, she'd just meant to open up a realistic dialogue about their future and how they might navigate it together, but he immediately went on the defensive. He took it as her belittling his promotion, as her patronizing him and being a snob, and maybe there was a bit of truth in that, really, because Matt was smart as hell and it was hard for her to watch him sell himself so short, but at the same time, if that's what made him happy, she needed to support it, right?

The second fight was worse. A lot worse. It had all its own fire plus the embers of the first one, and it spread far beyond the bounds of its starting point. It spread to old resentments, past fights—to her signing him up for the SAT four years ago when he'd said he wasn't interested in college, to him being high more and more often when they talked on the phone, to Tyler and the time she'd accidentally passed out next to him while studying on her bed, on and on and nastier and louder until their throats were raw.

The sex that followed was different, too. Less 'make-up' and more 'make-a-point'. Bruising grips replaced meandering caresses. Sweet, whispered nothings became possessive growls, demeaning growls, growls of 'you think Tyler can make you moan like that?'. He didn't walk the line between pain and pleasure so much as zigzag it—one second she was on the brink of climax, the next she was wincing and trying to slow him down.

He'd chalk it up to rough sex. He always did, always gave her that baffled look of his, the one that made her feel like a moron for even saying anything. 'Since when is rough an issue for you?' She could never find the words to explain what was different about it, what made it feel like there was spite in his movements, like a part of him was trying to hurt her, trying to show her he could do whatever he wanted to her. So she'd flounder, and with a flare of amusement that screamed of humoring her, he'd concede that maybe he'd still been a little worked up from the fight, maybe he'd lost himself a bit in the leftover adrenaline.

Before he left, he told her, like he always did, that all the shit in his life was worth it if the trade-off was her. That he was sorry about the argument, that he'd start looking into the future, and that ultimately, the only thing that mattered to him was having her in it. She couldn't help but think that it was all said with a glint, though—the smug glint of the benevolent victor, of the person who knew he'd emerged in effortless control of a situation but wanted to seem gracious. It was an apology that had nothing to lose because it'd already won.

But then he pressed his forehead against hers and breathed her in, fingers gentle against her chin, angling her mouth up so he could brush her lips in light, nipping kisses, and she felt herself backtracking. Maybe he hadjust been a little too riled up from the fight—after all, how could someone holding her the way he was now, like she was the most delicate thing in the world, ever want to hurt her? It didn't make sense. Matt would die over hurting her. He was right, she was just being stupid.

He'd driven all the way here.

He'd brought her favorite tacos.

He'd splurged on her favorite champagne.

And she'd started two fights in exchange.

It was obviously her fault.

So why was she sitting alone in her bathtub, nauseated and trembling, unable to stop staring at the marks on her skin? Why couldn't she stop imagining the brief, terrifying flash of satisfaction she swore sometimes crossed his face whenever his mercurial fingers shifted her gasps into grimaces? Why did she feel like her bones were dissolving, like she was slowly caving in on herself one shaky breath at a time? Why did she feel so pathetically, inconsequentially, crushingly small?

The sound of the front door swinging open made her stiffen. "Sorry, guys!" she heard Bonnie's wry voice call out from the living room, and she immediately abandoned the bottle of wine in her hand, straightening up and scrubbing a hand over her face. "I don't want to interrupt the love nest, I just need to grab my—" Bonnie halted in the bathroom door, face crumpling at the sight of Caroline huddled in the bathtub in her underwear, "…curling iron."

Caroline's face broke into a fiercely bright smile. "Hey, girl!"

"Hey." The reply was puzzled, hesitant—Bonnie knew her well enough to know the bathtub never meant anything good. She blinked for a second before casting a glance over her shoulder. "Where's Matt?"

"Oh, you just missed him—he left about an hour ago." Her stare slowly shifted back to her, and Caroline felt her lips struggling to hold her smile. "He said have a safe flight."

Bonnie gave a slow nod, eyes fixed below her face, and it took Caroline a second to remember he'd grabbed her by the neck. Hard. She shot an instinctive hand up to her throat, blocking it from view, and Bonnie's stare flickered. "Care…"

Tears pricked at her eyes and she averted them. "It's nothing."

Bonnie dropped her bag on the floor and approached the tub, and Caroline wrapped her arms around her body to try and hide it, hot with shame, bracing for the inevitable reaction. It came in the form of a sharp intake of breath. "Caroline," Bonnie gasped, stopping about a foot from the tub in shock, and Caroline shoved a nervous hand through her hair.

"It's not what it looks like."

"Like hell it isn't," Bonnie replied, stare raking over the constellation of deep, burgundy bruises spanning her upper thigh in horror, and before Caroline could give another instinctive negation, could throw out a tinny 'I bruise really easily!', could invent some kind of accident that shifted the blame, her phone began buzzing against the sink. Even from a distance, she saw the name 'Matt' flashing on the screen.

Furious, Bonnie surged over to the sink and swiped it up, and Caroline felt her veins flood with panic. "Bonnie, no!"

"Matt," Bonnie hissed in greeting, voice wavering with rage, and she whirled around to look at Caroline. Upon catching sight of her desperate face, however, she froze.

"Please," Caroline whispered, shaking her head no, tears hot against her cheeks. "Just… just not yet." Bonnie held her stare for a long, heart-breaking beat before drawing in a tight breath.

"Hey," she said over the phone, pushing a stiff hand through her hair. "Yeah, I'm okay, I just…" she closed her eyes, running her hand over her face, and Caroline felt her heart racing in her chest, "I actually just got some really shitty news about my mom, and I'm not really sure how to deal with it, and I really need my best friend right now, so I was wondering if you could just talk to her tomorrow."

Her chest loosened in a wave of relief.

Bonnie's stare sharpened slightly, jaw locking. "Yeah, I know she has a test tomorrow." Her lips pressed into a humorless line, fingers tight around the phone. "Yeah. Yeah, I got it." A long beat. "She's in the shower right now, but I'll let he—" she let out a sharp sigh at what was likely an interruption, hand closing into a fist. "Matt. I need my fucking friend, alright? Just give me tonight. You'll survive."

She hung up without waiting for a response and proceeded to shut the phone off. Caroline stared at her hands, unable to bring herself to look her in the eye. Bonnie had always known Matt could be intense—she'd overheard enough of their fights to have a sense for that—but Caroline knew she'd never seen her quite like this. No one had.

She didn't know what to expect. Her skin burned with a paradoxical mixture of denial and shame. Was Bonnie mad at her? Was she mad at herself? Was she responsible for letting it happen, for letting it get to this point? She simultaneously wanted to convince her that it was all a misunderstanding and cry out all of the pent up emotions she'd been hiding, but before she could make a call, Bonnie's arms were around her, pulling her into a quiet, gentle hug.

And that was all it took for her to crack. She didn't know how long she cried. Minutes, hours—time blurred, dusk faded into night, and Bonnie merely sat with her in the tub, stroking her hair and occasionally murmuring that it was going to be okay. When Caroline finally managed to ease her sobs into the occasional hitched breath, she shot Bonnie a watery look.

"I'm s-so sorry."

Bonnie shook her head. "Care, you have nothing to be sorry about."

"No, no, I…" she swallowed, slowly pushing herself up to a full sitting position and letting out a strained little laugh. "This is my stupid melodrama and I dragged you into it and—"

"Caroline," Bonnie said firmly, pushing herself up along the side of the tub with a serious expression, "I don't know what you're going through right now, and I'm not going to pressure you to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. But please, please know," she reached forward to take light hold of her shoulders, giving her a loaded stare, "this isn't stupid. This is the antithesis of stupid. This is completely, heartbreakingly serious, and if he's somehow made you feel like any part of this is a joke, he's lying. The last thing this is is a joke."

Caroline merely stared at her, struggling not to start crying again—God, she was so sick of fucking crying—and before she could crack, she gave a quick nod and cleared her throat. "Can we talk about something else?"

Bonnie's expression softened. "Whatever you want." Caroline kept her bleary eyes on her trembling hands, struggling to come up with a topic, and after a long beat of silence, Bonnie slowly leaned forward. "Did you see yesterday's Real Housewives?"

Caroline slipped into a hoarse laugh. Bonnie hated The Real Housewives. "Orange County or Atlanta?"

Bonnie scoffed. "You know Hotlanta is the only way I roll."

Caroline's lips took on a weak smile. "No, I missed yesterday's." She waved a tired hand, smile straining. "Matt and all." Bonnie nodded, biting her bottom lip, and Caroline let out a shaky sigh. "I mean, I was supposed to be studying all weekend anyway, so… wouldn't have seen them either way."

Bonnie's brow furrowed. "Right, your final's tomorrow."

Caroline sighed, dropping her head against her knees. "I'm going to bomb it, Bon."

"You don't know that."

"Oh, but I do," Caroline said with a weak laugh. "I have twelve chapters left to cover and three of them are brand new."

Bonnie straightened up and checked her watch. "What time's your test?"

Her shoulders lifted into a vague shrug. "Nine."

"Nine," Bonnie repeated, eyes narrowing in brief calculation before she reached back and pushed herself up to her feet. Caroline's brow furrowed.

"What are you doing?"

"Switching my flight," Bonnie replied, stepping out of the tub and heading over to her abandoned bag, and Caroline lifted her head off her knees in alarm.

"What?"

"It's 8:30 now, which means that factoring in the time it'll take to get to campus, we have exactly twelve hours to get you ready to kick this final's ass."

Caroline merely blinked. "Bon, no, you're—" she shook her head as Bonnie fished out her phone and began typing away, baffled, "—you're done with the semester, people are expecting you back home, I can't—"

"Too late—done," she said, lips quirking at the corners, though her brow promptly furrowed. "Actually, should I fly out tomorrow night, or are we going to want to go out to celebrate your slayage?" At Caroline's dumbfounded silence, she nodded, lifting a finger. "You're right—figure that out later. Let's start with reinforcements."

She tapped her phone and brought it up to her ear, chewing her lip. "Lockwood," she said after a beat, "I need you to peace out of whatever party you're terrorizing freshman at and pick up literally every source of caffeine you can find from the 7-Eleven. Yep. Caroline's got a final tomorrow." Her brow furrowed after a second. "Obviously. And sour worms, too. And twizzlers." Her eyes flashed with attitude. "Do not snack shame me." She shot Caroline a 'can you believe this guy' look before turning around and waltzing out of the bathroom. "Oh, and see if the Delts have one of those study bibles for Micro…"

Caroline merely stared at the empty doorway, thoroughly overwhelmed, chest tight, tears once again pricking at her eyes, but this time they were from an entirely different emotion. She was so grateful she could burst. She'd been convinced her night would be her alone in their apartment, dreading the break of day, drinking cheap wine till she finally managed to pass out and forget for a while.

Instead, her night was Bonnie acting out vocab terms through overzealous interpretive dance, Tyler coming up with wildly inappropriate mnemonic devices for all the different laws, a constantly brewing pot of coffee, sixteen different heart-attack-waiting-to-happen snack options, and more five-hour-energy shots than should've been survivable. Tyler passed out on the armchair at about 5 AM, drooling on a stack of flashcards, but Bonnie somehow stuck it out till the bitter end, even going so far as to make her a 'healthy breakfast!' of pop tarts and runny eggs.

Caroline managed to survive the class with a B+.

A few months later, she would manage to survive Matt, too.

What she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to survive, wasn't sure she'd ever want to survive, was a life where her best friend and knight in 5-foot armor wasn't Bonnie high-kick-means-appreciating-asset-droppin'-it-low-means-depreciating-asset Bennett.

[sixmorningsafter]

How come klaus wasn't the abusive ex? He was way worse than Matt in canon, though I guess both treated her pretty terribly

I used Klaus as the seedy mastermind drug dealer that took Bonnie in when she was spiraling during her teen years, cause lol, who else was going to play that role, you know? So he was taken. But even more than that, I kind of liked the idea of the wholesome town football star being the abusive ex because Klaus felt a little too obvious. Abuse can be so subtle and unexpected and I wanted to highlight that a bit. Matt wasn’t some dark and twisty guy who drew Caroline in because she wanted to save him, he was a shy golden boy who grew into abusive behaviors that she didn’t see coming. It felt more compelling to me to write it that way for some reason? But Klaus definitely could’ve filled the role! Just a very different story.  

[sixmorningsafter]

run and hide it’s going to be bad tonight ‘cause here comes your devil side it’s going to ruin me

it's almost like slow motion suicide watching your devil side  get between you and me so tell me what I need to do to get myself away from you to keep myself from going down all the way down with you

[sixmorningsafter]

i dont remember if anyone recommended it before and idk if you like taylor swift, but Dear John i think is the most caroline @ matt song, it has everything, like the way it starts sad and her asking him why and the realisation that he did this to other girls too and the fact that now that she is free she can see it clearly but when she was with him she couldnt and the uncertanty of not knowing, when they were together and the last part is caroline now saying im so much better without you

Nope! Hasn’t been recommended but I’ll have to check it out! Definitely sounds pretty accurate, although (and I haven’t covered this in the fic, I don’t think, so I wouldn’t expect you to know) SMA!Matt wasn’t like a player or anything, like I don’t think there were other girls he did this to - it was more like he was in a really longterm relationship with Caroline that started out amazing and then as things took a turn in his life, he started taking his anger with everything out on her. But the other parts of the song sound super accurate, so thanks so much for the rec!

[sixmorningsafter]

How Gabi Ruined Me: A SMA Review of Ch. 15

GUESS WHO’S BACK AND READY TO REVIEW THE EFF OUT OF THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE OMG THIS IS STRAIGHT GOLD.

It’s me, hi Gabi, you’re a blessing.

REPLY:

Hi Cassie, it’s me, you’re hysterical. Also, I’m going to start indenting my parts instead of y’alls parts because I’ve realized that’s way easier and I’m dumb.

Overall, I really like this “episode” style you’ve got going on. I know it’s problematic word-count-wise (it’s actually not a problem at all, I have no idea where you got that from, but if you say so). And your style is really unique, so it’s always a delight to see what you’ve created.

REPLY:

lmaoooo I’m glad you benefit from my misery. (No but real talk, this format’s new for me so I’m super happy it’s working for you, man.)

Steroline Sex

Nice. But also, unrelated to the actual sex, how you wrote it without being cringey or too graphic is a great feat. Like good job dude. And forget the sex again, but the intimacy was also nice. Like nice. Like, in the carnality of it, I find it interesting that in this moment, you read Stefan for who he is—the guy who looks for intimacy over physicality, the guy who craves the relational over the carnal. Like, nice, dude, A+ with extra credit. It’s hard to pull off, I think, but it so mirrors what the real world is like? Also your writing style, again, is some really great stuff. Like, maybe you should quit your day job?

REPLY:

LMAO idk why but every time you say nice I just imagine you doing this dude bro nod and the 👌  emoji and I love it. Tyler approves. But also, GIRL, writing smut was friggin’ uncharted adventure time for me so you don’t even know how happy this feedback makes me. I’ve been pulled right out of stories before because things suddenly take a really porny turn (and I start laughing because I’m an infant), so I really wanted to avoid that without skimping out too much on details. And gah, all of your notes on Stefan and his instinctive search for something deeper (even in the face of a sex contract and hot girl on his lap) are so perfect, and I’m happy as hell that’s what came across because that’s definitely what I was aiming for. And AW, girl, psh - right back at you re: writing style! Like I’m pretty sure this review is funnier and better written than the fic itself but whaaaaatever.

Beginning of the Bonkaimon (is this the right ship name???) Date

Kai’s apartment: lol, much like Damon, I was no expecting this Christmas wonderland (horror) either. But also, LOL at what Damon was expecting lol.

REPLY:

lololol I sat in Starbucks and stared blankly into space for like 20 minutes to come up with all the things someone might expect from Kai’s apartment, and I’m pretty sure I terrified at least three people because I’d just suddenly start villain cackling. Imagining a room full of nothing but shelves of blinking furbies made me laugh for like five minutes. 

Kai + Pinterest: not a big factor, but I find it hilarious that he was even on it??? Like could imagine, between gutting a swan, he’s casually scrolling through DIY Christmas décor?

REPLY:

‘between gutting a swan, he enjoys casually scrolling through DIY Christmas décor’ is totally on his online dating profile somewhere

The Bamon back-and-forth is too much. Like way too much, in the best way possible. They are literally children. Bonnie’s “villian origin story” quip is literally my fav. Damon’s “our thing” is sooooooooooooo like him what the heck, you pegged it; Damon saying “Like I know we have a thing and all, but—“ just made me laugh so hard.

REPLY:

Aren’t they the dumbest? So happy you enjoyed that part because it was fun as hell to write. If writing was just zippy dialogue I’d have finished this fic 200 years ago.

KAI’S FREAK OUT ABOUT THE COATS: dude you did a good job with that. Like a really good job. You can really see the distraught.

Kai’s “the stuffed mushrooms are fluffy and delicious… just like me” bit was very cute, like too cute for a psychopath.

The chit-chat: yes, it was a sneak peek, no, it didn’t affect the hilarity of it within the chapter at all.

Sniper love, I kind of love it. Like that Kai has a date at all? Like how did he even manage that? Omg and is his date just as crazy as him? Idk if you watch B99, but Holt and Kevin lol, that’s what I’m imagining.

REPLY:

HOLT AND KEVIN YEEEESSS. Love that. I think in this case, Kai’s pretending to be breezy and confident about his date in front of Bonnie and Damon, like ‘happens all the time just another Saturday in Kai-town’, but he actually has literally no idea what he’s doing and is a little panicky about it, lololol. He was probably just at work looking all cute and brilliant and some hotshot sniper made the mistake of thinking he was just a quirky nerd instead of a legitimate threat to the planet. I have a plan for Kai in terms of romantic entanglements down the road that I think’ll show just how painfully awkward he is in those situations, loooool. Should be fun for sure.  

Bonnie’s true self coming through, and Damon noticing? Damon noticing in general? My heart can’t handle it. You know bamon is my main ship, main otp, main everything? But like, this part is everything (and another part later). I like Bonnie’s true self tbh. Like yeah, she made some mistakes with it, but it’s also a little more interesting than the self she created.

REPLY:

Bonnie’s such a messy tangle of flaws and virtues, and I think her problem is that she’s spent so much of her life living in extremes. Like she’s either pure light or a total eclipse - she’s never actually let herself exist as a collage of light and shadow, or rather, doesn’t realize she even can. I think a lot of that has to do with the degree to which she indulged in her darkness during that teen rebel phase, like her anger and hurt were so all-consuming (and the people she surrounded herself with were so intent on stoking the flames of it) that she feels like she can’t let any part of that in without it taking over. She’s afraid of that darkness being all that she really is, and that’s why her mom left, that’s why her dad was a checked out alcoholic - they somehow saw that in her and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else does, too. I think where Damon comes to play is that he’s an instinctive observer of people, and he’s obviously taken an interest in Bonnie and making sense of her. So far, he’s picked up on the light (brave, empathetic, optimistic, kind, a fierce instinct to help) and he’s picked up on the dark (angry, self-sabotaging, competitive, a taste for danger) and at first glance, the two seem so wildly different that he’s like ‘which one’s real’. But I think what I’m really trying to build toward with Bonnie is that she’s not one or the other, she’s both. In harmony. And that ultimately, letting in her ‘dark side’ wouldn’t take anything away from her compassion and optimism and impassioned drive to make the world a better place - if anything, it’d just make her light side shine even brighter, you know? 

And likewise, Damon’s a character with a similar but inverted complex - he’s somehow grown up with the idea that he’s not a good guy and doesn’t care about anything, but he’s actually done some pretty heroic shit? Like, he turned in his own parents because of the things they were doing to people - parents who grown ass hardened criminals were terrified of. And he was ten. He went through foster home after foster home of neglect and abuse, all of which calcified his alleged numbness to the world, and yet couldn’t help himself from becoming a constant buffer between Tyler and his abusive dad. He was more in love with Katherine than she ever was with him and yet his awareness of that never stopped him from being there for her, even when he kind of hated her, because the weight of their shitty lives mattered more than the weight of his feelings. When he accidentally pushed Bonnie into a spiral, he dove in to deal with it, in large part because it was his fault, but also because he knew he was the best option for her, and he didn’t want to see Caroline and Stefan take that on. And there’s more hero-revealing things ahead for him in the story, which kind of begs the question, ‘why are you so convinced you’re this hedonist who doesn’t care when you actually do more good than a lot of people who do care?’ And Bonnie is absolutely starting to piece this all together, so it’s a similar dynamic on either side.  Anyway, that’s my dissertation on how to go into an entirely unsolicited rambling meta in response to wonderful and pertinent feedback. 

Kai’s “you two must have a crazy sex life”, I think it’s funny ‘cause he could have left it at that and gotten away with it, but continuing with details just killed those chances (and it also killed me).

REPLY:

looool right? Kai’s one of those characters that’s always right on the cusp of having a normal moment and then nope, never mind, hail mary throw to loony land right at the last second. 

Caroline’s Freakout

I love how chaotic you write Caroline’s internal struggle. Because, like she realizes, she’s being irrational, and that’s exactly how her thoughts come across. Excellent work with that. “Everything about him was a goddamn error,” superb line, dude. That’s how exactly how I pegged the sma Steroline relationship (and the sma Bamon one, but on the side of Bonnie being the error anomaly to Damon). Like, honestly, when Caroline’s like “he’d known what he was doing”, I’m like,” y’all were having sex? You must’ve looked like you were liking it???” Caroline frustrates me sometimes, but like, she’s frustrating herself (and Stefan), so that makes sense and also kudos.

And then she lashes out at Stefan, and Stefan’s like, “I know”. Yikes.com. And I like how she realizes the physicality of what they did isn’t much different from what she and other guys did. It’s just him that’s different. And oh man, I love how Stefan’s like, “I didn’t mean to hurt you”, and she’s like “dude wait stop you’re not supposed to apologize for this”.

So many emotions dude. Mainly ‘cause I can relate to avoidance thing (yikes), but also ‘cause you can tell she’s trying to figure herself out, trying to correct her behavior (kinda), but then she reverts. A+.

REPLY:

Gaaah, all of that makes me so happy because that’s exactly what I was going for. You’re frustrated with her, but you know you’re supposed to be frustrated with her ‘cause even she’s frustrated with herself, you know? I’ve always found that I’m really forgiving of flawed characters when they’re aware of their flaws (and when other people are allowed to get fed up with their shit), so going into that scene, that’s what I tried to keep in mind - she’s going to be irrational and defensive and I need to make sure everyone knows that I know that this isn’t cool. It isn’t intriguing or exciting. It’s frustrating and repetitive and I know it, Caroline knows it, and Stefan knows it, and because of that, it’ll be confronted, you know? And yeah, that ‘he knew what he was doing’ line was exactly for that reason - Caroline clearly played a role in what happened, like it takes two to tango gurl, so I hoped that would hammer in how unreliable her narration was in that second. That, and the fact that when he starts apologizing, like you said, she’s like ‘stop’ because obviously he really didn’t do anything that bad and she knows that. Super, super stoked that the scene played out for you the way it did, man. Best feedback ever. Eloquent af. A+ goes to you.

Bamon’s first trip to Wine Cellar

Touching + promixity + commentary = horny Bonnie + smug Damon + heaps of hilarity

REPLY:

They’re like X-rated toddlers.

“You’ve been in love?” conversation was really good. I mean it was short, but I loved it. Like, called out much?

REPLY:

I literally had no idea I was going to write that until it just showed up on the word doc, but it ended up being one of my fave exchanges, so I’m so happy you liked it, too!

And then the “earthworm” argument: LOL.

“Like your entire face is rebelling against it—you look like you’re about to have a stroke.” LOLOLOLOLOLOL. What’s even funnier is I imagine Damon coming back with a doctor comment lol.

REPLY:

‘Uh-oh, better give me a full physical.’

The kiss/attack. Kai’s probably right, their sex life is will probably be crazy.

REPLY:

Definitely won’t get bored.

Bonnie’s flashback. Gotta know more dude. Like, in theory, you wrote it out a bit, but more more more.

REPLY:

More ahead! I have an ask about it that I’m going to answer but more’s coming in the actual fic, too. I think. So excited you want to know more, though!

“Merriam Webster” lol

OKAY HERE’S THE OTHER LIFE-GIVING PART: “Are you worried about me?” and “She turned around to leave and he caught her wrist again./’Seriously. Anything at all.’” YOU’RE MURDERING ME GABI HOW DARE YOU (please keep it coming).

Jesus Crisco lololololololol

REPLY: 

:D

Soon-to-Be Ms. Cuddles

It’s kind of scary how much of myself I see in Caroline lol (that’s kind of fucked up right?) especially when her eyes are shut because the cat is near her omg.

REPLY:

lmaoooo a little scary but she turns out alright so *bonnie voice* there’s hope for you.

My heart at “none of it was worth it”. At first, I was like Caroline’s not worth it? But then he’s like Caroline’s fear/hurt isn’t worth it, and I’m like, Stefan you IDIOT STOP HURTING ME.

REPLY:

LMAO ISN’T HE THE WORST.

And then him realizing what the real issue is with “Like maybe that contract hadn’t just been for him”.

But then him fucking it up with “something stupidly, recklessly hopeful”. BOY BYE WITH THIS DISNEY PRINCE-NESS.

REPLY:

Disney Prince-tervention. 8 o’ clock. Scott McCall can come too.

“It means is there anything on the planet you don’t avoid dealing with?” YIKES STEFAN DO YOU LIKE PLAYING WITH YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS OR

REPLY:

LOLOLOL I laughed when I wrote that line. I was like eating Smart Pop and going ‘BOY’ as if I wasn’t the one writing it, it was all super sane.

Avoiding!Caroline #relatable dude.

“Easy to mistake for serial killers” LOL STEFAN AGAIN ARE YOU READY TO DIE OR

REPLY:

Danger Zone Stefan.

The part with the cat coming near her, lol, is so damsel-in-distress, and it makes me laugh so much at how cliched/tropey this is, but I also love it, and I tried to imagine her with either Bonnie or Damon in the same situation, and Bonnie being similar to Stefan but taking her out of her misery, but Damon being a shithead about it. Ah yes.

REPLY:

LMAO that scene is pure, unadulterated, damsel-ly TROPENESS and I love forcing Caroline I’m a Force to be Reckoned With and Need No One Forbes into those scenes because she tries so hard not to be that way and like, for what? Girl, be afraid of the dark. Run away from cats. Be jumpy and hide behind people. None of that means you can’t singlehandedly take down the Emory football administration, you know? You can run away from spider-rat hybrids in the same stilettos you slam into the toes of drunk dudes harassing girls on the subway. Do you. And LOOOL to Bonnie and Damon in Stefan’s place - Bonnie would definitely let it go but would be subtly trolly about it, like putting the cat on her bed when she’s in the shower or buying it a bunch of costumes to wear around the apartment. Damon would probs be every inch as insufferable as you’d imagine. 

The Not-All-Animals conversation. You don’t have to answer this, but is this supposed to be a foreshadowing, because the window was wide open for you (or Stefan) to state it clearly. And lol I cried when he says “there’s a cuddly little fur ball who seems really interested in getting to know you” and I’m imagining him talking about himself *dies of laughter*

“You’re going to love this cat”. Subtle, Stefan. Subtle.

REPLY:

CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM CALLING HIMSELF A CUDDLE LITTLE FUR BALL ON PURPOSE #BYE. I mean, it’s true, but still. I did the parallel on purpose, which I’m sure you know by now because I take forever to reply and have answered tat a few times, but I think it was more subconscious on Stefan’s part. Like his dedication to getting her to open up to the cat was definitely motivated by his own frustrations with her in that department, but I don’t think he saw the direct parallel or anything. Muahaha. I kind of want him to now though because CUDDLY LITTLE FUR BALL. That’s his street name. 

Bonkai/Damon’s return from the cellar

Kai flirting

Bonnie feeling bad for Kai for not having any friends. (can I just note that Kai doesn’t seem bothered that he doesn’t really have friends—or rather, he seems the type not to mind it. Like I’m sure there’ll be a part when Kai says something ‘jeez Bon, stop being so obsessed with me’ when she tries to be his friend)

AKA ME now feeling bad for Kai, just in general (or that might be the copious amounts of Bonkai fics I’ve been reading recently…)

Bonnie teaching Kai to “flirt” AKA just be a human being

REPLY:

lololol Kai’s just a dude doing his best impersonation of humaning and failing miserably and not being too bothered about it.

“Maybe a little less… carnivorous” lol

Damon calling Kai “bud” (like, him actually picking up on the fact Kai enjoyed that). Too sweet.

REPLY:

I didn’t get a chance to get too into it in 15, but if all goes according to plan, Kai x Damon should be a pretty unexpectedly adorable brotp, so I’m super happy you picked up on that!

Bamon kiss #3 : “his stare was dark, humming, glinting with a hint of self-satisfaction” hehehehehe

“but I feel like maybe I should’ve asked you instead. Cool move.” lmfao Kai is a cutie pie (I know what I said, I’m not taking it back).

“Honestly, he could go back to the murder cellar now” lolololol. You’ve got a lot of golden lines in this one.

Almost Bamon kiss #4: nice

“She exhaled slowly, trying to ignore the buried, messy part of her that was turned on by the idea, that buzzed from the risk of it all.” Same, Bon.

Bless Bonnie’s insane self-control.

REPLY:

Damon’s a smug little shit. There’s just no getting around it, tbh. And YAY for cutie pie Kai (it even rhymes! Destiny.) - definitely trying to hone in on the more delightful sides of him from canon. And lmao, Bonnie must be so tired.

 Caroline vs. the Cat

Obsessive Caroline is something familiar and safe to all. I like obsessive Caroline a lot lol.

Okay, unrelated, but can you expand a little bit on the Maroline situation again because, from what you’ve already explained (sorry if this is ruining the story, you obviously don’t have to explain if it is) Matt was sweet when it suited him, not sweet when he was angry or whatever. So, like, Stefan has none of these telltale features, like not even lowkey. I mean, he gets mad at her that one time, but it’s not malicious, you know? But it also triggered her to breakdown, but I read that as she’s already dealing with internal shit, so the internal is being external, and has very little to do with Stefan. So, I guess my question is, why is she not realizing Stefan is a Disney prince and he’ll always be one? Or is it just the overwhelming fear that’s clouding her judgement? I’m rambling.

REPLY:

GIRL, join the club. Rambling is a way of life. Re: Matt, I think a key thing I haven’t gotten to in the fic yet is that Matt started off as a bit of a Disney Prince, too. He was this humble, small-town star quarterback who was a little shy around girls and didn’t know what to do with all the attention on him, and when he met/got to know Caroline, he fell hard. Like haaaard. She was this confident, brash, outgoing ray of light that drew him in and made him laugh and added so much joy to his life, and he was just totally smitten. Built her things, wrote her crappy love letters that made her smile, etc., and for a year or so, they were this fairytale of a couple that everyone in town loved. And then Vicky got into drugs and his family situation went from not great to really bad - his mom was constantly off with some new guy, so a lot of the responsibility fell on him - and things just slowly started changing. He was angrier. Stressed out all the time, and he wasn’t someone who did well under pressure. He started checking out from school more and more because he didn’t see it as a priority. And in that context, larger-than-life Caroline with her sunny optimism and big ambitions went from endearing and inspiring to naive and a lowkey reminder of everything he didn’t have the luxury of being. Resentment started creeping in, and it’d come in the form of him being snide or putting her down, and it just kind of spiraled from there. Like you said, it wasn’t all the time, he could still be every inch as sweet and loving as he was when she first met him, but the bad moments started cropping up more and more often, and Caroline was just kind of frozen because they had years of magical history to indicate that this wasn’t the real him, and she just needed to wait it out and be supportive. And if she’d only done that to a certain degree, I think she would’ve been okay, but she stayed for way, way longer than she ever thought she would’ve. And she started coming up with insane ways to justify everything because their relationship meant so much to her. And all in all, that’s the real damage for her - the fact that she can’t trust herself to one: see people for they are when she has feelings for them, and two: know when to get out of something. Not when she’s in love. Any other context, sure, deuces, bye, but she doesn’t trust herself in love. So that’s why Stefan, without really showing any real Matt-like flaws, is scaring the hell out of her, if that makes any sense.

SPEAKING OF RAMBLING HI HELLO YES WHERE IS THE SUPPORT GROUP 

Caroline and the cat is really cute. We don’t see many soft moments of Caroline, except the baroline apology scene, so it’s cute to see her just calm down a little bit. Calm in the storm.

And her being like “You’re lucky Stefan’s here.” Oh, dude, that really got me. Like, before she goes into the physicality of him/them, I read that line as like, “he’ll take care of you, he’ll be good for you” and that struck me.

REPLY:

So happy you liked that softer side of Caroline! Definitely going to be seeing more of that now that she’s gotten most of the defensiveness out of her system (in large part because I’m just tired of writing it, lmaaaaaoooooo #authoroftheyear). And yeah, that’s exactly how she meant that line, which I think shows just how much her opinion has changed of him over these past few days. Progress!

“And it was terrifying, because for that brief glitter of a moment, for better or for worse, she’d been Caroline Forbes in all her complete, defenseless, messy glory”: nice.

REPLY:

👌

“And closed hearts, apparently”, awwwwwwww. You know my general feels about steroline, but this fic, man. Well played, Gabi, well played.

REPLY:

lmao you know mine too. thanks, boo. 

Bamon Snooping

Initial and overarching reaction: LOL

Damon saving Bonnie’s life: *heart eyes*

“I’m not talking to you”/”Why ‘cause I didn’t feel you up in the kitchen?” LOL Damon knooooooows, Damon’s got you cornered (you’d like that wouldn’t you, Bonnie) (but also, same)

REPLY:

#READ

Like this idiot really thinks she’s fooling anyone? She’d totally like that. Let’s make another support group.

The flamingo tarts LOL

AND AND AND “Stefan’s not even going to be able to look at yo—“ crying

Kai going to hunt swan. Again.

REPLY:

So rude, pulling the judgy Stefan card. And yeah, Kai’s really into casual evening strolls with crossbows. 

The snooping. Okay, so first, Bonnie’s reaction of “yeeeeeeeeee” and Damon’s reaction of “k let’s do it”. I love it so so so much. This is a moment I can see Matt Daddario being Damon (I started watching Shadowhunters, pardon me). But also the things they find??? Like, if this were a tv show (where’s the petition, my pen is ready), then this would be that one weird/sci-fi episode. Like a musical episode, but sci-fi-y.

Damon “how much you want to bet one of these opens a hidden passageway”/I’m a big nerd too Fell/Whitmore (who tf is this guy)

REPLY:

LMAO coming up with the things they find was another case of me staring dead-eyed into space for 20 minutes and cackling at random, so I’m glad it was entertaining. And yessss, I can totally see Matt pulling off that line. I see him as a slightly sleepier Damon, like his blithe charm goes from obnoxious to a little slyer and lowkey, and he has more of a playful laziness about him. It’s a really fun/unique fit, especially since some of the other actors I’ve imagined as Damon have more of a brash/sharp quality to them that would enhance the showman aspect instead of downplaying it.

Bamon talking about Damon’s job: real bonding about real things!

REPLY:

WOOT. More of that ahead :)

Steroline Avoiding

“He could navigate picky eaters like a pro”:  I love that you made him this way, and that you made her that way, and that their ways are like puzzle pieces.

REPLY:

Ahhh, I love that you put it that way. That’s their new tag line.

And also for this beaut: “the Human Grimace” lmfao.

“I feel annoyed”/”Why?”/”I don’t know.” – is that their tag line or?

REPLY:

JK that’s definitely their tag line. 

Steroline bonding in general, bless.

“I can’t do this”: yikes. At first, I thought this was going to be a repeat of every sexytimez moment these two had before the ultimate one

but I really like how you placed that bit about Elena in there. Nice. Like how he can’t handle not knowing, and that’s very Caroline of him, and he could just tell her this please that’d help everyone???? I’m not ranting.

REPLY:

IF EVERYONE COULD JUST TALK IN THIS GODFORSAKEN FIC IT WOULD’VE ENDED TEN CHAPTERS AGO AND MADE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER. lmao but I’m glad you liked the Elena nuance - I’m trying to build their experiences in bits and pieces so that when they finally talk about everything re: the exes, it’s not too much of an information dump. 

Damon’s Panic Attack

Jesus Christ, Gabi. Right in the heart, dude. Like chill out. His avoidance of the very inevitable killed me. And Bonnie not picking up on the signs. Omg and Damon’s “I’m fine”, parallel to Caroline’s, and the whole “I can do this, I can get through this, I’ve only had myself before, and I only need myself now”, but Bonnie’s there and she’s all “I got you, you can do this, we’ll get through this together” and she’s talking him through, but he’s doesn’t want to even talk and  she’s just trying to bring him out of him successfully, but ultimately fails and goes with the distracting that is an old Stefonnie story. BUT THEN, her fourth-grade poem reminded me of The Punisher’s “one batch, two batch, penny and dime” in Daredevil (you watched that right?) and I was like oh shoot, you right. What you were right about, not sure, but it worked, and Bonnie did a good job (but also YOU), and Damon’s “she was a ridiculous person./Tangled and dark and simple and light.” And my heart wept. “He let himself stay”. Oh my poor baby. You wrecked me, Gabi, you really did.

REPLY:

‘and I was like oh shoot, you right. What you were right about, not sure, but it worked’ - LMAOOOOOO, dead. Like 50% of my excitement for posting this review is just people reading it and realizing how hilarious you are and then going to check out B&B. (GO AND CHECK OUT B&B). For real though, gaaaaah, everything about this is making my friggin’ day because this is always the toughest stuff to write for me. I never know if I’m building it well or if the emotions are transitioning fluidly and it makes me want to break my laptop (jk it’s already broken JOKE’S ON ME), so I’M SO HAPPY I WRECKED YOU. All of your observations are perfect. I didn’t even think about The Punisher but shoot, YOU RIGHT, that’s such a great parallel. I’ve always found that angsty situations are super unpredictable in real life, like the things you expect to happen seldom do and it’s always the most random thing that ends up shifting the mood, so I tried to translate that into this scene. Like Bonnie’s pulling out all the stops, all the things she’s trained to do, but what ends up cutting through the air is a random ass poem from fourth grade. And it’s just thoughtful and spastic enough to grab his attention, especially once he realizes why she went for poetry, and suddenly, the situation’s quelling. So I’m super, super happy that it worked for you, and that the ‘tangler and dark and simple and light’ stood out. I think that’s one of the first instances of him starting to realize she’s not one or the other, she’s both at the same time, so yeah, this feedback is all wonderful and now you’re wrecking me so we’re even.

Steroline Confronting

Is Caroline… confronting the problem? Is Caroline… actually fixing this? Is Caroline… actually being a person? Nice, good job, I’m proud of you, girl. Slay.

REPLY:

LOOK AT HER GOOOOO.

I like how she gets how fucked up the whole thing is. Like, she knows she’s being irrational, and that he shouldn’t have to put up with this mess, and damn, I feel for her.

REPLY:

Yesssss, totally what I was going for. Like the person most done with her shit is herself, and she’s likely going to be way harder on herself about it than you or me or Stefan or anyone else, really. So happy that came across.  

“Would it make you feel better if I told you that wasn’t the first time that’s happened to me?”

“What did you do? Actually—don’t tell me now.”/“I’m not telling you ever.”

”Tell me when it doesn’t hit so close to home.”/”Or never.”

”It’s still too soon.”/”It’ll always be too soon.”

These are gems.

REPLY:

Gotta sneak some fluff into every scene you know how I roll.

Oh goodness, but Stefan wanting to know her as a person. Ughhhhhh.

And the ruse of “for the sake of Bonnie.” I’m calling bullshit.

“Who was he, Nicholas Sparks?” Lol, I mean, it worked out, though, dude.

REPLY:

Stefan’s a lost cause.

As always, my friend, you’ve done a phenomenal job. Your writing style is so unique and fabulous, and it just adds to the storyline itself, like, it’s own entity in this whole thing. Bless. So excited for the next chapter. Did I hear more sexytimez for the bamon babes? 

REPLY:

GIRL I COULD SAY THE SAME DAMN THING ABOUT YOURS. Like even in this review alone - hysterical and eloquent af. I know you probably know this, but no one ever thinks that of their own writing (or at least I don’t think they do lmao, if they do LEMME HAVE A HIT OF THAT CONFIDENCE BOO ‘cause I didn’t even know I had a style), so it’s legit amazing to hear that the style stands out to you, and know that I’m boomeranging that comment right back atcha. Next chapter is sloooowly chugging along, by which I mean I’m writing at a regular pace but I’m trying to cram a legitimately concerning/insane amount of scenes into it. Like 15. LMAO. RIP Gabi. But hopefully it won’t take me too long! Also, it’s the last of the intensely emotional chapters for a while (just a lot of big moments I need to get right), so even if this takes forever, the rest should be a little faster. I feel like I say this after every chapter and nothing changes, looooool. BUT ANYWAY, you’re a marvel, this review is everything, I’m feelsy, you’re hilarious, write a book, bye. 

[sixmorningsafter]

parasites, caroline’s writing

(i.e. a lot of you have been asking me about seeing some of Caroline’s writing so even though I’m a  c r a p  poet I tried). 

[sixmorningsafter]

I was wondering how deep is caroline affected by her relationship with matt when it comes to people touching her or when sleeping with someone. Cause I know we already have that scene where she wakes up and is like suddenly triggered but do you think it's something that stands in the way of her sex life (cause matt is supposed to have hurt her physically) and do you think it can happen in one of her times with Stefan (even tho stefan doesnt seem to be rough but still)

Oof, loaded and great question. Going to go ahead and put a trigger warning on this just in case. So honestly, the way I understand Caroline is that what triggers her isn’t so much the roughness/physical stuff in sex, it’s intimacy. Closeness. Loss of control. Her experiences with Matt definitely had a dark physical angle, but what scarred her more than anything about it was how long she let it happen. How much love blinded her from herself. How effortlessly he’d manipulate her into being okay with things she wasn’t okay with, or make her think she deserved certain things. He was rough with her at times, absolutely, but I don’t think that was the worst of it for her. It was the feeling of patheticness, of relying so much on him, of not being able to cut him out of her life when it was so screamingly obvious that she needed to.

It’s probably important to note that this wasn’t the type of relationship where she was in danger if she broke up with him or she feared for her life. He wasn’t that kind of violent. It was subtler and more insidious than that, and again, most of the damage she got from it was a deep, paralyzing mistrust of herself and her ability to handle love/emotions. When she doesn’t have feelings for a guy, she’s tough as nails. She’s direct and blunt and ready to fuck their day up if they cross a line. So she’s not afraid of physical sex because that wasn’t what truly hurt her. She’s afraid of vulnerability. Of trusting herself to know who she’s safe around, who’s okay to care deeply about. She’s afraid of being taken advantage of. 

I think I’ve said this before, and I’ll acknowledge it in the fic too, but I don’t see Caroline as someone who’s uninterested in love or doesn’t believe in it. I see her as someone who knows her weakness for it and avoids it like the plague. The moment where she hastily recoils her hand from Stefan has a physical component to it, definitely, but it’s also deeply motivated by the fact that she just spent the night curled up with him in a bathtub, vulnerable as can be. Without that backdrop, him grabbing her would’ve had a far less visceral reaction. So yeah, not sure if this made any sense, but I guess I’m trying to say that her trauma is more emotional than physical. 

Re: seeing that come up in a scene with Stefan, I actually think she’ll be the one trying to make it more physical/rough to edge out the emotional side, and his natural inclination toward depth/intimacy is what might be more paralyzing for her. Also, for anyone who’s been through something similar (I hope no one but just in case), if this all sounds wildly off and unrealistic reaction-wise, or in any way exploitative, I’m super open to feedback on how to get this right. I did some research and tried to put myself in the situation and this is the character I emerged with, but I know it’s something you can only really know when you’ve gone through it, so my ask box is open.

[sixmorningsafter]

15 Review

I didn’t know how to start this review. Then you posted your character trailer and I was struck by how much this fic has evolved from the original 2-minute trailer. It started out as a fluffy rom com type fic and now it is a story of depth, of feeling and of growth. Sure, your humour balances out the angst, but what blows me away is the affection all your readers have for your characters even if the canon version leaves them cold. There are still times when I want to smack them around the head for being dumb (quite a lot in this chapter!), but I am still rooting so hard for all 4 of them to get a HEA (actually 5 including Kai).

Ahhhhh, Janet, my sun and stars! Sorry for taking a bit to reply to this - I was trying to get 16 cranked out (lmao as you well know) and I was putting off delving back into my asks until I did. Now that the chapter’s up and kind of terrifyingly out there, I can finally get to answering this glorious, lovely review, and I’m going to start with getting real emotional over everything you said about the fic’s development. I think I’ve mentioned it a few times, but I’ve always been aiming for a kind of Breakfast Club effect with this story where it starts out with a bunch of surface-level stereotypes for characters, gets them stuck somewhere, and then uses that idle time to dig past the labels and see what makes them human. Obviously SMA has gone way off the rails and is way more shippy and tropey than TBC, lmao, but it makes me so happy to hear that you feel like it’s transcended the raunchy romcom premise. It’s been a gradual but deliberate effort on my end and it gives me hella feels to know it’s working.

Can I just say how much I love the fact you started and ended it with Stefan’s POV? That end scene where he can’t help but be a little bit Nicholas Sparks (Stefan “King of Cheese” Salvatore knows who he is, but not Sia ha ha) and Caroline surprises him with the hot chocolate – aww. I also adored Ms Cuddles and Caroline having a ‘chat’ about Stefan – that was a really beautiful note, the parallel of Caroline softening towards both the cat and Stefan. In fact, the cat is basically a metaphor for Stefan, right? Caroline’s reaction annoyed me initially, I can’t lie, but her gradual rationalisation of her behaviour was really interesting and her thoughts on how it affected Stefan showed her to be compassionate and sweet. An interesting point was that Stefan felt that he lost control completely of the sex, intimacy situation, whereas Caroline describes him as ‘always having one foot on the floor, checking in’ – I’m not sure why I liked that so much, but I did. I love the tease for chapter 16 where these idiots actually talk to each other. There’s a line where Stefan talks (in his head) about him (or indeed anyone) not being worth that much angst and about watching her flicker from afar, both of which I loved because it showed just what a caring chap Stefan is.

Italicized the bit above because I’m so happy you caught that! It was one of those dissonant things I tried to sneak in to remind people that literally no one’s narration in this fic is objective, you know? Like Stefan’s sitting there feeling lowkey guilty because there was a moment he knew he probably should’ve pulled back but didn’t, and then later on Caroline’s thinking about how safe she felt because he never seemed to lose himself completely. I think on a backstory note, too, it gives a some indirect insight into Maroline and just how out of control Matt could get that by comparison, Stefan losing control felt like total safety to her. 

ANYWAY, that bit aside (I love how you catch those little things, btw), cat’s totally a metaphor for Stefan. To me anyway. I don’t think Stefan directly intended the parallel but this cheesy af author did 👍 And yeah, at their core, Caroline and Stefan are both giant cheese balls who are just trying to figure out what to do with their abundance of scary feelings. I think it’s good that Caroline’s reaction annoyed you, tbh, because it was supposed to be a last straw kind of thing. Not necessarily even for Stefan, but just for her. She gets sick of her own shit, which you probably get more of a sense for in 16 than 15. It’s kind of her breaking point. She’s like ‘holy shit enough this is exhausting’. So I think it’s good for you, as the reader, to also be exhausted with her, because she’s pretty much feeling the same way. 

(Aside: jeez the way you wrote the Steroline sex scene was perfect, not graphic or squirmy, but really hot. I now can’t wait to see what you do with Bamon! Things gonna get weird – I know it!)

I literally just figured out how Bamon’s going to go down (like locked it down in my head) and honestly. Weirdly feelsy. But also very hot and them, I think. Bonnie’s profession might factor in. But gah, thanks so much for the feedback on the SC scene! That was like my first time writing a sex scene in a fic (not because I’m anti-sex scene I just usually don’t make it that far in, looooool) so I’m so glad it wasn’t a disaster!

The ship stuff is great in this chapter, but I thought I was going to miss the friendship stuff. I didn’t because of all the cute references to the friendships that you put in. Damon doing his lovesick idiot impression AKA imitating Stefan – LOL! Damon referring to Stefan taking Bonnie to court for flamingo hate crimes - I nearly died at that little exchange. I also liked the parallel of Bonnie telling Damon about the Stefonnie V-day standoff (“yellow sucks and you’re a bad friend” WTF Bonnie? Baby love sick puppy Stefan - priceless) and Steroline chatting about Bonnie’s insane diet as a way of bonding (Stefan’s a feeder, his go-to strategy to smooth things over = food, head canon this was his major way of coping with his sisters and Bonnie’s mood swings). Bonnie is like the lynch pin in this fic and I bloody love it. The parallel of Caroline and Bonnie trying to get over Stefan and Damon by using extreme physical contact as a method of desensitisation. LOL like that was ever going to work - dumbos!

Aren’t they the stupidest human beings, though? Like do you understand how often I write literally any part of this fic and have to stop, stare the screen, and go ‘WHY ARE YOU ALL SO DUMB’. Like yeah, Caroline, riding Stefan in the middle of a dark living room till neither of you can think straight is definitely going to make you less into him. Obviously. How could that backfire? Yeah Bonnie, dragging a flirty Damon to a tiny little stairwell to bitch at him is obviously not going to lead to anything you don’t want happening. How could it? It’s so foolproof? They’re stupid. Anyway, lmao, love love love that all the brotp references could keep you afloat with the friendships this chapter, and love all the parallels you picked up on. I’m not going to lie, I miss writing ensemble scenes so friggin’ much, to the point where I’m a little sad 16 had to get split before I hit the group bits, but I can’t wait to get back to that. I can’t wait to get back to crowded mornings and furtive looks and smug comments and chaotic bursts of activity - it always happens whenever I have long night time scenes. I’m like ready for the reset of a new, bustling morning, and a large part of it is because of the brotp potential, so I’m super happy that part’s important to you, too!

Now for Kai. His cyber stalking, 6 ovens and secret room made me laugh in a somewhat anxious way, although I too aim for my Christmas decorations to involve a miniature train set up #lifegoals #weareallalittlebitkai. I get that Bonnie was terrified, trapped with a knife 2 inches from her face. She still slipped into her compassionate self because that is who Bonnie is at her core. This girl is a damn hero. I can totally see how down the line these 2 end up being ‘friends’ with the other 3 being dragged into this friendship group, kicking and screaming, although I caught Damon being friendly with him already. I’m really interested to see how the Stefan-Kai dynamic works out. I felt bad for him going off swan hunting in a blizzard and perplexed because it’s going to take ages to pluck and roast a new swan – Bamon are trapped lol.

Loooool, Kai, my little lunatic son. He means well? Kind of. I think he just doesn’t always know what ‘well’ is. And yep, Bonnie’s compassionate streak flares hard and often, and it’s already showing for Kai, although if you’ve read 16 it turns out that Damon actually ends up being the surprise Kai bestie. Honestly, Kai thinks they’re both great and has very enthusiastic and occasionally frightening ways of showing it, lmao. And HAHA, you know, Kai x Stefan is probably the only dynamic I haven’t nailed down? Largely because my instinct is to have Kai think he’s shady/get an inexplicably bad vibe from him (because COME ON HOW FUNNY IS THAT), and I feel like Stefan’s constantly getting the short end of the stick with these people, but lmao, who knows. I might do it anyway. It’s hard to resist the hilarity of Murdery McSwankiller Kai finding Stefan of all people suspicious. They’ll probably bond over cooking, though.

Hands down my favourite part is Damon’s panic attack, the way you wrote it – wow, so good. I have never had a panic attack and after reading that I was so glad that I hadn’t. It basically cracked open Damon’s life a little, let us in on his dark past. I have only waited 15 chapters for this (see every review of this fic I have ever written lol – god I’m so boring, sorry). When they were first trapped in the basement and Bonnie was quizzing him without mercy, I felt so bad for him.  I loved that she picked up on the panic attack and tried a softer approach and the connection that it sparked. I love their physical attraction (I want them to kiss every time they get within about 6 foot of each other, I have no idea how Bonnie copes!), their verbal sparring and Damon’s protectiveness towards Bonnie, but Damon being vulnerable and letting her in (even if he didn’t want to) was like the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle and at the same time, the beginning of something really beautiful. I really want to see more from him next chapter, his embarrassment is already palpable in the preview vid and I’m so psyched about vulnerable Damon. I hope we find out more about why he was in Chicago. Is that likely?

Ahhhhhh, girl, all of this has me so, so starry-eyed, like I’m so happy to hear this scene worked so well for you. I always get super nervous when I’m writing something sensitive that I’ve never gone through myself, and I try to do a bunch of research and read about peoples’ experiences and see what different accounts have in common to get to the core of it, but it’s still always a bit of a gamble. Not even in the sense of getting the symptoms and stuff right, because that’s just following a list, but more so capturing the gravity of it, not making it some melodramatic trivialized thing that robs it of weight, you know? That’s what I was the most worried about, so reading this review is just so, so wonderful, because it seems like you really felt everything I was trying to capture. Love love love your analysis of Bamon and their progression so far, and your note about how it felt like both the final piece of something and the beginning of something else. I think that’s such a great way to put it. You spend a fair bit of time in Damon’s head in 16, and it’s safe to say his whole breezy facade is cracked, but the vulnerability is definitely there. And as for the new beginning you mentioned in 15, I think what that ends up being in 16 is that trust is starting to build. He’s trying to avoid it at first, but it’s there and it’s growing, and in 17 (what was supposed to be 16, lmao), you’ll see the first moment where Damon actually volunteers information about himself. He isn’t asked, he isn’t panicking, he just finally gets to the point where he wants to talk about things, Chicago, etc. So I think it’s 100% likely that you’ll hear more about what happened there, and in an added bonus, it won’t all be from his mental narration! He’s going to bring it up. It’s comin’!

Edit: Having seen your posts, I have now seen that the next chapter will have Baroline friendship scenes and more Stefan back story – OMG yay so up for this! Also we need more about Stefan and the girl that cried after having sex with him (or was it the other way around?).

Hahaha literally BOTH of those things got lost in the split, I’m afraid. But they’re definitely coming! And lmaaaaaoooooo, in the fic, Stefan made a girl cry once, but I honestly wouldn’t put post-sex crying past him. Oh, Stefan, my precious emotional son.

Anyway, thanks so, so much for this glorious review, babe. As always, it was insightful and eloquent af and I’m crazy humbled to have readers like you. <3

[sixmorningsafter]

He’d driven all the way from Texas to surprise her. Twelve hours in his rattling rust bucket of a 1982 Ford Pickup, windows down, stereo busted, likely listening to nothing but intermittent flares of talk radio between long, mind-numbing stretches of static. Twelve hours of no air conditioning in the southern humidity, of swampy Louisiana, muddy Mississippi, and balmy Alabama whizzing past him in a russet blur of not-quite-summer. He’d stopped in Houston to get her favorite tacos from Ultimo’s Taco Truck—extra guac, no sour cream—and they’d braved the heat in a dingy little cooler in the backseat. He’d even picked up a bottle of her favorite champagne, a bottle she knew he couldn’t afford, because he’d wanted to celebrate: he'd been promoted to manager at the Grill. He could finally make a decent salary, enough to chip in for Vicky’s rehab—maybe even enough to get a decent place in a year or two. So really, it was her fault. Most of it, anyway. Maybe all of it.

Think it’s about time we meet Matt Donovan, no?

[sixmorningsafter]

Chapter Eight edit

Hey, guys - as I’m uploading chapters to AO3 I’m doing little edits here and there, and I added slightly more specific Matt/Maroline insight into chapter eight. It’s not a huge change, but I figured those of you eager for more about that backstory might like to know, so read if you’d like (changes are about halfway in):

Some people found silence comforting.

Caroline was sure she'd read that somewhere, but no matter how often she thought about it, the concept always threw her.

Silence turned her skin inside out.

It wasn't a thing; it was an absence of a thing. An indiscriminate void waiting for actual things to come fill it. And maybe for people with nothing but happy things to give, that was fine: they could fill their noiseless pits up with whispered jokes and jangling pet collars and the hum of the evening traffic from their bus ride home.

But Caroline wasn't one of those people. And for her, silence filled with other things. Louder things. The crash of a beer bottle shattering by her head. Bladed insults snarled into her ear over things she hadn't done. The nails-on-a-chalkboard quality her voice would take on when she explained marks on her body to her friends as just 'liking it rough'. The looping clamor of shows and movies cheering her bright-eyed, teenaged self on, confirming that real love meant 'pain'.

Meant crying constantly.

Meant no one understanding what they had because it was their own fucked up brand of 'special'.

Meant watching herself do things, say things she couldn't explain, couldn't make sense of—things as harmless as wearing red when she didn't want to or as dangerous as cutting people from her life because he didn't like them. Meant a constant, addictive loop of joy, anxiety, guilt, and fear, an insecurity so volatile that it could shoot her into soaring highs or ruinous lows. Meant constantly canceling on people to stay in and take pictures so he'd believe her, meant screaming matches over texting delays, meant screenshots with timestamps on them, meant failing an exam because she knew he was angry and couldn't focus, meant all of this crushing, consuming, destructive bullshit being warped into her fault because 'you make me crazy, Care'—

She sat up in her bed in a breathless jolt of anxiety at the sound of his voice in her head. Her body was trembling, eyes bloodshot from a mixture of panic and drinking, and she shook her head to try and get a hold of herself, forcing herself to breathe as evenly as she could. She needed a distraction. Jesus Christ, she needed a distraction. She knew the spiral was coming—she'd known the second she'd overhead what Bonnie said—but God, did it have to be now? Everyone was asleep, everything was quiet, even their chaotic neighborhood was silenced under the lull of falling snow, and she just needed something, anything, to keep her out of nightmare of a head for—

A muffled noise from the hallway made her stiffen, head snapping up. Silence followed for another few seconds, and then she heard it: the whoosh of a faucet being turned on. Someone was in the bathroom.

[sixmorningsafter]

I'm not the same anon as before, but I just read your ask and I think you really have a brilliant idea going here about the Matt and Caroline dynamic, I think that would be so important to explore and give so much dimension to the character!! Damaged!Caroline :(

:(

She’s deeply affected, for sure. Trying to fix mistakes with different mistakes, sadly, but she’s figuring it out a day at a time. She’s just really, really resistant to letting anyone else in or being vulnerable at this point, because her naive, sunshine-y kindness and desire to help ended up stripping her to the bone, you know? So at this point she pushes away anyone new who’s looking for more than a fun, frothy time. She prioritizes herself over pretty much everyone except for the people she already loves, because fuck other people and what they think. She exaggerates the ‘petty’ qualities Matt constantly made her feel stupid or shallow for, and she does it with a stone cold glare and a tongue that’s ready to slice up whoever doesn’t like it. Problem is, this rebound persona is obviously still not quite her, so who’s really winning here when you’re not being yourself? How strong does that really make you, you know? 

Anyway, I’m glad you like the direction I’m taking and idk why I just launched into a Caroline meta, lololol, but rest-assured these things will (hopefully) be covered in the actual story. Making breakfast (or attempting to, loool) was a bigger step for her than the fic’s let on, since I didn’t get a chance to dip into her head about it yet, but the story itself will definitely go there. Stefan and Caroline have a really candid history-swap of a scene in the future that I think will get a lot of this stuff down into canon (lmao - au!canon) words, but because I’m a joke of an author, I spoil it all here, lololol. That conversation’s coming. And it’s not all doom-and-gloom from what I have planned - it’s actually a strangely vibrant scene, I think. Screaming things at the top of their lungs from the fire escape is involved. :) Stay tuned, friends!  

[sixmorningsafter]

Did Matt hit Caroline? I feel like its so important to hear about these two

I think I answered this somewhere but it was under a read more to avoid any triggers, so I’ll keep this one out so more people see it. However, warning: potential abusive relationship triggers below.

Matt was kind of a master manipulator and never did anything directly, so the technical answer here is ‘no’. But that’s also what kept Caroline in it so long and made her feel crazy for finding him abusive and made her convince herself out of labeling him that way - it was a purposeful move on his part to never directly hit her, but hurt her physically in way more ambiguous ways. When he got mad, he’d throw things - big things, scary things - but he was a jock and knew how to aim them so that they’d shatter near her, but not hit her. Didn’t stop them for grazing her, but that was ‘obviously an accident because he wasn’t aiming at her’. He’d grab her and corner her and force her to listen in really aggressive, threatening ways, but he’d never hit her. He’d get really, really rough during sex if he was mad, but he’d play it off as kinky or her being so hot that it brings it out of him. Essentially, he’d keep it all very gray so he could laugh it off and make her feel like a whiny, weak person for thinking it was anything serious. He knew how to manipulate her and he did it well. A good thing to know about SMA!Matt is that I’m combining all of canon Caroline’s experiences with Damon, Matt, and Tyler into one person, so canon!Matt isn’t the only guy SMA!Matt is based on.