#sitting down to actually focus on my thoughts made a huge difference!

[weneepie]

I need something with Jason’s thighs cause I need to munch and gnaw at that man’s muscular thighs like my life depends on it (it doesn’t even need to be smut BUT u decide🫢)

appetizing w/ red hood rules | m.list

note. OMG thank u sm for your request bc i couldn't wait to go FERAL with Jason (the man that he is) but i'm not good with smut so i didn't cross that line, hope it's okay! hope you'll enjoy it <3

You were in love with Jason Todd, no matter who he was and which of his hundred faces he was wearing. Robin, Jason, Red Hood ; you couldn’t care less. Actually, what you really cared about was how he kept on going to the gym when his job as a vigilante was already making him go massive. Your boyfriend was huge, and you weren’t the one to complain. 

Jason was currently sitting on the couch in your apartment, his eyes focused on the TV screen in front of them. While you were laying down there, your hand resting on the boy’s lap. You had a hard time trying to really focus on what was happening in front of your eyes because you felt different. Well, you weren’t the one who felt different actually. The problem was coming from his thighs. You didn’t realize the size they took recently, and you swore you could see the muscles through his stupid dark pants. You kept on glancing at his legs, which wasn’t helping you focus at all. 

Slowly, you moved from your position to have a better view, but also a better access, to his thighs. Jason noticed that you moved and, when he was about to say something, he got cut by a slight pain in his leg. “Did you just bite me?!” He asked in disbelief before you looked up at him, moving your mouth away from his poor thigh. An awkward smile appeared on his lips and Jason couldn’t help but to sigh. 

“I’ll go take a shower. Ease your mind while I’m gone,” he told you before standing up, leaving you alone on the couch. Except that it was probably the worst idea he could have had. Why? Because when he came back from the shower, his legs were completely exposed. To his defense, the weather outside wasn’t the type which made you want to cover up. But it was definitely not helping your unholy thoughts. 

“Are you calm now? Done with the biting stuff?” He asked, and you looked between him and his awfully muscular thighs. “You want a real answer?” You slowly raised an eyebrow and it made him roll his eyes. He sat back next to you and your hand almost immediately found its way to his thigh. The shiver he felt down his spine wasn’t usual at all. Since when were you so bold? 

“What’s got into you tonight?” And you simply giggled slightly, fingers and nails running up and down his skin. “Didn’t realize how built you were until now.” You admitted, and your words made a smirk appear on his lips. He looked back at you, and you could see the amusement in his eyes. Apparently, he wasn’t against any idea you had in mind. 

“Really? How about you show me what this little mind of yours is thinking about then?” His words sent a jolt of electricity all over your body. And before you could answer anything, your body had left the couch to end up between Jason’s arms who was standing up and walking towards your room. “I think I can do that.” You finally answered, ready to enjoy tonight’s meal.

thank you sm!!

[mrs-gauche]

So, I *think* I've calmed down enough to form coherent sentences about this trailer now, after watching this about a gazillion times. 😂 There is just SO much in this and I still can't believe it's all real.. I feel like people have already dissected every single frame anyway, so here are just my poor two cents (that's a lie, it's an essay lol), I'm sure 90% of this has probably already been said lol, but I just had to write my thoughts down, so there you go. 🫠

But first, can I just ask you guys this.. Does anyone else feel SO friggin overwhelmed every time something huge like this drops? 😂😭 Like, I LOVE the collective excitement and freaking out over all this with the fandom together in real time, and maybe it's because I'm not a native English speaker, but I'm watching the trailer live and within like fifteen minutes there are already a bazillion notifications, messages, people have already made hundreds of theory posts, edits, fanart and shitposts, meanwhile I'm sitting here still looking at the FIRST FRAME and trying to process what I'm even looking at. lmaoo Like, it takes me SO long to take it fully in, calm down and look at ALL of it in detail, while I go radio silent for like two hours, making people think I just died watching the trailer, I guess. lmaooo So.. sorry if it takes me forever until I even go on here and look at everything you guys are posting. 💀 <3

Anyway, so first of all, I'd like to just generally say... Everything about this blew. me. away.

Look. After like 20 years of watching BioWare's entire animation catalogue of the same 25 movements in every cutscene, that it would make you jump every time a character but even slightly moved differently than everyone else, we're now getting a game that is SO INCREDIBLY CINEMATIC, SO SMOOTH, unlike any BioWare game before. A game where everyone just moves and expresses emotions like their own person, making everything a hundred times more immersive and impactful!!

Not only that but there's a BioWare game now with PHENOMENAL LOOKING HAIR and REALISTIC HAIR PHYSICS. Guys, do you understand this is HISTORY??? lmao We've been asking for this for YEARS and it's happening!! 😭

And the cinematography? THE CINEMATOGRAPHY?? Just looking at that very FIRST LOCATION SHOT alone. The camerawork, the composition, the fluidity of movement, the shift of focus, the lighting, the use of MoCap, the facial expressions... As someone who spent a *LOT* of time using the flycam to make cinematic gifsets of DAI, where - with all respect to the devs - 90% of the camerawork basically consisted of "zoom in/zoom out"... this. blew. my. fucking mind.

Like, they did it. They mastered the Frostbite engine on all fronts. And it truly hurts my heart seeing people compare this to Fortnite or whatever, when in my opinion this time they actually managed to find a perfect mix between stylized and realism, in favor of making the characters even more expressive and this coupled with the use of MoCap and the incredible cinematography will make these emotional scenes hit SO hard and.. ugh, I just love it so much. 🥹❤️❤️

With this being said, let's dive into it!

Okay, so I know this is super random, but it was literally the first thing I noticed about this trailer. lol Did you noticed that it said "BioWare" *before* "Electronic Arts" in the beginning, unlike that first... controversial reveal trailer, where it was the other way around? 😂 Not reading anything into this of course (or do I? lol), but.. Idk, I thought it was.. interesting. 👀

So we start off with the first of many amazing tracking shots, with the camera orbiting around Rook in this place devoid of color or life. The note at the bottom made me chuckle "Game engine footage with some costum camera angles", I was like "Oh, so they used the flycam to make this?". lol So some shots of these will look different in the final version (what kind of spoilers are they hiding?? 👀👀).

I do hope that next shot DOES end up in the game though, because holy SHIT, that FIRST wide shot already blew. me. away.

Look at the COMPOSITION of this.

Actually, you could probably take every single location/wide shot of this trailer and hang it on your wall. lol But seriously, the way this place just looks... dead. It makes me think of "void" rather than Fade.. like an ancient graveyard. The raw Fade looks generally creepy, but this is haunting even for that. There's no life, no color, no motion. It's all broken and crumbled. Almost like it reflects Solas' feelings. People are speculating if this place might change depending on Solas' state of mind.. This is the Fade after all, but Solas is here physically and this being the place that was supposed to be the new prison for the gods.. It's probably different from the rest of it.

We also see all seven statues of the pantheon from the ritual site again. Solas "I have the high ground", *literally* talking down to Rook, while standing on two separate cliffs (how did Rook even get there, I wonder? lol), like there is quite literally a rift between them (for now..!) and Solas is keeping a distance, as always. We still don't know how that connection between the two even works, I assume Rook can only contact him while asleep? But to think that this is the place where he is trapped now, where he is even more isolated than ever before, is making me so emotional. ;-;

I love how it's just black and white though. It gives the scene a destinct atmosphere that might be important, if this is where we get to see Solas doing a lot of introspection. In the art of filmmaking, the absence of color is often used to force the audience to focus on the contrast, textures, and tones present in the image, which can evoke a deep sense of emotion.

And speaking of emotions...

"You have no idea what you have done."

We had already heard that line before, but something about that booming, echoing effect they used on his voice sent a shiver down my spine!

"The blighted elven gods walk free. And all because you disrupted my ritual."

To me, he *sounds* much more frustrated here than he *looks* when saying that. lol He looks incredibly worried though, and just so tired. A moment ago, he was SO close to achieving his goal after hundreds of years of preparation and then he failed again... and now there is this completely clueless stranger who got him in this situation, but who he has to rely on now to stop these gods, when he's unable to trust anyone, and yet he can't even yell at them too much, because he *needs* them. He must be so exhausted.

And yes, it is kinda funny how they put "elven gods" in quotation marks. lol

Thank god he still has his freckles though. ❤️ We're actually seeing a lot more texture on his face here than in the gameplay showcase. And yes, not only did he get his eyebrows microbladed but apparently he's also sporting eyeliner and lipstick now. 😌✨✨ The only downside to the lack of colors here is that his super purple eyes are not poppin' anymore. lol

"You battle against gods. They will not rest until you are on your knees. Fearful. Cowering. Helpless in the face of such power."

I love how they play this line so early on in the trailer, that it makes you go "WAIT... IS THAT- NO WAY" and not until the end do we get the confirmation with the most amazing entrance ever.

We then get a shot of what I think has to be Treviso in flames and Ghilan'nain symbolically coiling her tentacles around a crow statue's head, as she's probably about to take over the city. 👀 *falls on my knees the second I meet her in the game* lol

Then there's the shot of this horrifying Blight.. lump.. growth thing that has completely devoured an elf (and several other bodies it seems) with a hair style that has everyone wondering if this could be Felassan! 🥺🥺🥺 As much as I would LOVE for Felassan to make an appearance.. I kinda hope this *isn't* him.. because good god, whatever happened to this persom here must be pretty traumatizing (are they even still alive?) and also, how do we get them out of there? lol Either way, seeing as there are Harding, Bellara and Neve accompanying Rook here, this might be earlier in the game (and this is them dicovering that the Blight is already spreading rapidly?) and yet it already shows us that this Blight is on a whole other level than anything we've seen before, and it's taking every living thing.

Then we see another snowy place (or might this be within the same area?) that's also in huge parts taken over by the Blight. You can also see a dead(?) dragon lying on the ground at the bottom right corner? 🥺

Then Elgar'nan literally pops up right next to Ghilan'nain, and btw, I love how I can't even tell where her body begins or where it ends in this shot. lmao What ARE you, Ghili?? 💀

It looks to me like maybe she was struck by a bolt/spear from a ballista or something? The Grey Wardens tried to take her out maybe? Looks like the power of Elgar'nan's mere presence blows the Wardens away then lol, like they're just insects to him.. and in the blast we can see a person that looks like Evka?? <3333 (please don't die here though 😭)

Then we're getting a first glimpse of a dragon that shows up multiple times in this trailer. Also, to me, it looks so much like the dragon from the Golden City vinyl cover, which has me like 👀👀👀👀

Next there are a few scenes from the prologue we've already seen in the gameplay showcase, but it's coupled with new lines from Varric, that have me super worried. :(

"Rook, you've got this. I've seen your work. You're clever, adaptable. And you don't know when to quit.

My first reaction to this was "Oh god no, that sounds so much like a "passing the torch" kind of dialogue to me" as in Varric either dies (PLEASE NO but it IS super suspicious how he's not seen or mentioned in any other scene so far) or retires his role as the leader of this group and hands it over to Rook. And he just sounds... weary. 🥺 I wonder what he means by "your work" though? Is he talking about things Rook has done before Varric recruited them? Or is it maybe later down the line, after Rook has already proven themselves to be a great leader? 🤔

Then we get another shot of that one dragon and our first look at Harding with the bruised face (whoever did this, come fight me!) and some poor person tangled in.. something, I'm not sure. lol

Then there's a super quick shot of the floating building in Minrathous, followed by Rook opening a gate Aragorn style, which leads me to believe that this is actually somethere IN that floating building maybe?

But the fact that Rook and everyone else seems to be wearing casual clothes in the following shots, plus the architecture in the background has me wondering if they might be at the Lighthouse actually? 👀

Especially because in the very next shot we see Rook, Bellara, Neve and Harding all in casual clothes again in front of a giant eluvian and I wonder if that's the mirror that we've read about in the Game Informer article. The special eluvian at the Lighthouse that can take you anywhere? :o

Speaking of the Game Informer article, it also told us that Rook, Harding and Neve went back to the ritual site after what happened in the beginning, which is probably what we're seeing here!

"You want allies to go after the elven gods. I've got places to look."

Well, good thing we have a clever detective on the team that apparently knows people who would willingly fight some gods. lol Notice how Harding's face is still injured in this scene. 👀 So I assume whatever happened to her must've happened at the ritual site? Btw, I love how the trailer makes it look like they're all in casual clothes and the second they're stepping through the eluvian, they're in full gear? 😂 (I'm sure those two scenes take place at different times though.) It's crazy how much different the Arlathan Forest looks now, without the cataclysmic storm and all. I love the lighting, the colors and the soft rain! :3

Then we get another gorgeous location shot to hang on the wall. <3 My guess here is definitely Anderfels, given the landscape and those "pillar ring" things we've seen before (I still have no idea what those are, the funniest guess is still griffon training flight path 😂 But something tells me those things will be important.).

"I'll be damned! A griffon!"

Davrin and Assan!! <33333 And the dialogue makes it sound like this might be the first time they meet each other?? 🥹🥹 Followed by a scene of Davrin taking care of business and what might be the return of children in DA?? 😭 Seeing that little girl made me so happy, because that was actually one of the few things on my wishlist for DA4, because I always felt like children make the world feel SO much more real and immersive and besides Kieran, children were completely absent in DAI.

Am I trippin or does it look like this child is smiling here, while running away from a horde of darkspawn?? 😶 Kids in the Anderfels are build different, I guess. lol

"In war, victory."

CHILLS!!

Then we see Assan again, who is pinning down a.. thing I can't identify. lol I'm very curious about all those cages in the background though.. 🤔

We then get one of the shots that made me freak out the most, because it's a flippin *underwater* shot of elven ruins??? 😱😱

We know it's elven because if you look very very closely, you can see a Halla statue in the distance, to the left side. I'm immediately reminded of the stories about Arlathan having sunken to the ocean floor! There's also still all that mention of Ghilan'nain's grey "goop" that smells like the ocean and another shot later on of a dragon (Elgar'nan?) emerging from the ocean! 👀👀👀

And aside from all that, it's just such a sick level design!! 😍 What do these ruins look like if you enter them in the game? How do we get there?? There's an eluvian in the middle of the ocean on the newest map that's included in the Collector's Edition! 👀👀 If that one flippin theory of mine actually turns out to be true and there are somehow two parts of Arlathan, one on the ocean floor and another in the center of the Fade/the Black City, I'll do a triple backflip. lmaoo

Then Lucanis jumps in with some incredibly smooth fighting moves against the Venatori... and PURPLE WINGS!! So we were right with our speculation about the reveal trailer! Why does he have them? Is it some connection to a pride demon that revived him? 😂 I don't know, but it looks SO cool!! And after showing off, we hear his first line "I'm ready" with that sweet sweet accent, which is just the cherry on top!! <333

What the heck is up with the sky in this one?? My first thought was the Lighthouse?? 😍😍 Because if you look closely, there are a few wolf head ornaments on the walls? 👀 And this could be in the Crossroads and just like a real Lighthouse, there's a light on the top..? 🥹

Then there's Bellara using some magical device, that looks super similar to the things that were next to the big eluvian in that other scene!

Which makes me think that this might be where we help Bellara find this artifact in order to get the eluvian at the Lighthouse to work properly (since it doesn't seem to work right without Solas, according to the Game Informer article).

"I've never seen this before. There's something kind of exciting about it!"

Not gonna lie, that line and that weird looking device gave me Peebee flashbacks from Andromeda, which I honestly wasn't the biggest fan of. 😂 But Ghil Dirthalen (member of the community council) responded to me a few weeks back on twitter and confirmed that Bellara is nothing like Peebee at all. lol So that's a relief. 😂 I'm really looking forward to learn more about her and every time I see her magical gauntlet, I'm reminded that we're *definitely* not in Ferelden anymore. lol

Anyway, we then get a few shots of the Deep Roads?? Kal-Sharok??? 👀👀 And of course, there's Harding's big reveal of her new magical powers! The animation on this looks sooo amazing!!

Like many suspect, the Titans' awakening might have something to do with this! I totally agree with what Ghil Dirthalen said on twitter recently and, rather than this being Harding having Solas' petrification powers, it's actually Solas who has the powers of the Titans/stone sense/whatever Sandal did to those ogres back then lol. (I need Sandal to return and be her "teacher" or something 🙏❤️) We know of Solas' orb, which was likely created by obtaining the heart of a Titan. And if the Titans are connected to the Forgotten Ones, Fen'Harel was once considered their ally in Dalish legends. 👀

Also, if you look closely, you can see that the moment her powers are triggered, we see the blue glowy effect all over her body, like glowy lyrium veins almost?

And that in turn could hint at something in connection to her blood? So that big injury we see on her (which is still visible in this scene btw!) was maybe the moment her blood came in contact with something that awakened these powers? (We need Valta back to explain! lol)

"What is happening to me?"

That delivery gave me chills again... She is frightened. Ali Hillis is so good. 🥺🥺🥺

Next up is the Grand Necropolis and people have already pointed out that the ceiling we see at that entrance hall or something looks like a GIANT rip cage?? 💀 (What kind of creature would be THIS big???)

First look of Emmrich in-game!!! And he's wearing a fancy new outfit!! And I paused at the perfect moment to catch Rook already falling in love with him, clearly. lmao

There are two characters next to the gate that could be anybody, really. Myrna from Tevinter Nights or Joanna from the short story "The Flame Eternal"? The guy on the right is actually giving me Executor vibes?? 👀👀👀

Then there's Giant Skeleton Monster (Manfred's mom?), and don't even ask me what this could possibly be. 😂 I just hope we don't have to fight THAT (we totally will 💀). I got flashbacks of the Human Reaper endboss in ME2. 😭😭

"Let the Fade draw close!"

There's something kinda... posh about the way he says this? 😂 Like, he's not really intimidated by Giant Skeleton Monster and it's just another Tuesday in the Grand Necropolis and Professor Volkarin is just doing his every day job. lol

Then there are two shots of what I think is somewhere in the Anderfels but snowy again, like that area in the beginning where Elgar'nan and Ghili showed up? And a destroyed watchtower that is occupied by the Wardens. Then we get a *third* and final shot of this beauty again.

"Draw the dragon out into the open. Then attack."

I assume that's Taash?? Sadly, that shot of her drawing her weapon is all we got from her in this trailer, but she looks awesome!! <333 We're gonna be Lord of Fortune buddies, even though we might disagree on the matter of dragon hunting lol (look, I don't want to *fight* dragons, I want to be *friends* with them 🫠😂❤️ I want to see them live their best lifes.. for the most part (I get to the Elgar'nan dragon and the blighted "twin dragons" in a second lol))

We see the docks of Minrathous for a split second and then a first glimpse at a romance scene between Rook and Neve? 👀 At the Lighthouse maybe?

"You and me Rook. Maybe that's what scares me."

What does she mean by that exactly? Does Neve have commitment issues? lol Or is this more like a "We're a dangerous match, Rook. We'll be too powerful of a couple. Like Bonnie and Clyde." kinda statement? 😂

And THEN... Well, then we get probably THE most badass looking introduction/entrance of any character in DA yet. lol And YES, I freaked out SO hard.

SHE'S BACK. Returning like the QUEEN that she is. 🙏 And of course, she has to come down a flight of "stairs" again. lol (And no, Claudia Black did not lie, she just wasn't contacted at the time. 😁) Gosh, that transformation is so SMOOTH. I could watch that forever, it's so darn beautiful. 😍 Again, the way this is done, cinematically.. just *chef's kiss*.

In retrospect, it seems almost like a given that she would be back because.. well, everything about the way DAI ended. lol Flemeth wanted her to inherit her "godhood", and she looks more than ever like her mother now. Remember the designer notes on that last scene in DAI.

Flemeth intends to let Solas have the power, so long as she can pass the essence of her godhood onto Morrigan, a gift Flemeth had always planned for her daughter yet one Morrigan misunderstood as hostile possession.

So, what exactly is she now? Did she receive whatever Flemeth sent through the eluvian at the end of DAI? Does she carry Mythal now?? If so, does Solas know (I NEED a conversation between those two technically "half-siblings", because Flemeth/Mythal is both their "Mother"? 😂)?? Remember when I said that this one dragon that appears multiple times here reminds me a lot of the dragon on the vinyl cover with the Golden City, which is very likely Mythal? So my very first thought was that the dragon is actually Morrigan?? lol Just throwing that out there.

It seems to me that she is with the Dalish/Veil Jumpers in the Arlathan Forest now? (Btw, if you look closely, you can see elven mosaics in COLOR in the background? :O)

"These are the times in which legends are born or slain."

That line goes so HARD aHhhh. Also, speaking of slain, that new outfit is slaying too. <33 Her return also means that the Well decision and potential consequences are back on the table, which will definitely keep me up at night again. 💀

That moment right there. She is everthing. ❤️❤️❤️ I wonder if we're gonna see Kieran again?? 🥺🥺

We then get the most impressive tracking shot and choreography of what I think is Teia and Viago fighting some Venatori?? <333333 Like, seriously, the way the camera is following his movements in this shot without a single cut, makes me think of something like flippin Games of Thrones' Battle of the Bastards. 😱 And those hair physics on Teia as she's swinging around?? Absolutely amazing.

Followed by Lucanis and.. is that Zara Renata (the character with the best name ever lol)?? Fighting over an ominous glowing staff. lol We know these two still had unfinished business with each other after the Wigmaker Job in TN.

Then we get our first in-game look of my man MANFRED (🎉🎉🎉🎉), proving yet again to be the most fashionable character in the whole game, using his pelvis effectively. lol I love him so much.

Then there's another terrifying shot of Giant Skeleton Monster, which almost looks like it's in command over the crowd of people here, like they're possessed or something? Uhg.. As if this thing wasn't scary enough. 💀

"Our gods are back. Our gods! How do we stand up against that?"

Again, CHILLLLS!! Chills all over. It's gonna be so interesting to hear what the Dalish, Bellara or Davrin think about all these revelations!

Then we see the Wardens again, confronting one of the super duper blighted "twin dragons" we see at the end (more on that later).

We see Neve using a barrier or something against a guy who wears the same armor as her, so maybe the Shadow Dragons are corrupted, too?

Then we see Rook dramatically tossing a sword on a table at Weisshaupt? And holy moly, Davrin in that new armor here looks FINE. 😍

Back in Treviso, we see a cool finishing move from Rook, obliterating a poor Venatori guy. That bow on Rook's back though (I need it)! :O

"I believe in all of us. So let's get it done."

That little pep talk from Rook certainly worked for me. lol Like, whatever it is we're doing here, I'm so pumped, let's gooooo!

Then we get literally a millisecond of a frame, where you can see Ghili lying on the floor.. with the lyrium dagger stuck IN HER CHEST??

EXCUSE ME?? They wouldn't just spoil her death like that, right?? lmao Also, that adds another billion questions about this damn flippin dagger and at this point the list of questions is getting so long that I've completely given up speculating. 😂💀 We see how Rook tries to retrieve(?) the dagger but the power it emanates pushes them back?? What the heeellll.

And then I died. No, really. lmaoo

What can I say.

I cried. I screamed. My soul left my body. It happened. We FINALLY saw him. The Dreaded Wolf, He Who Hunts Alone, Roamer of the Beyond, God of Rebellion. The one everyone's been talking about since flippin 2009. And by GOD, he lives up to his NAME.

He's dreadful, he's horrifying. He's a monster, a nightmare. He's perfect. And just like Solas, he's just a Little Guy and bald. 😭😭😭

...At least in comparison to this dragon!! Look at that friggin SIZE DIFFERENCE. Someone measured the size by comparing them to Rook, who we see for a split second before Fenny leaps in. So, make no mistake, Fen'Harel IS the size of a high dragon, like he was described in Tevinter Nights... It's just that this blighted dragon is HUMONGOUS. lol That dragon, let's call him Elgar'nan, because we all KNOW, right?? Who else could it POSSIBLY be?? He's got the horns, he's the dragon on the vinyl cover with the Blighted Black City, he's ENORMOUS!! I've been saying this forever. Fen'Harel vs Elgar'nan, Battle of Gods was all I ever wished to see and FUCK, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WISH CAME TRUE. 😭😭😭

And look WHERE they are fighting!! It's Minrathous, you can clearly see the floating building in the background!! Which means the Dread Wolf is OUT. He's no longer trapped, or in the Fade. Remember Sandal's prophecy "When he rises, everyone will see". And he HAS RISEN. lmao And look at the lighting!! It's the same dim, gloomy RED we've seen at the end of the reveal trailer with the eclipse. "AN ECLIPSE AS FEN'HAREL STIRRED". IT'S HAPPENING. Remember the 2020 teaser MURAL.

Is this the Black City or is it the floating building?? Either way, it's BLIGHTED. In the trailer, Minrathous has clearly been completely taken over by the Blight. "All the world will soon share the peace and comfort of my reign", that's what Elgar'nan said at the end of the 2023 teaser, and what better way to take over the world than to start with the biggest capital in Thedas, a nation which built their own empire over the ruins of Elvhenan, ruled by the most powerful mages!

And I am SO scared. You can see Elgar'nan snapping Fenny. The dragon is blighted, and maybe so is Fen'Harel. He's also clearly been through so much. "The Wolf chews his leg off to escape the trap.", is what Cole said in Trespasser. I don't think he always looked like that. In the murals and the 2022 cinematic, he has a lot more fur. And I can't help but think about the devs saying that Solas wasn't always bald either. lmao How are they connected.. are they one and the same.. are they bound to each other.. we still don't know. But I'm SO. F*CKING EXCITED. TO FIND OUT.

Those few seconds of this scene were breathtaking and whoever made this trailer knew exactly what they were doing, because the editing is so perfect as Fen'Harel charges at Elgar'nan in slow-motion and the music cuts out completely while that beautiful wolf howl can be heard and you can almost HEAR everyone's jaw dropping on the floor. lmao THAT's. how. you. do it. *standing ovation* *sobbing*

Okay. Breathe. Moving on. We gotta get to the end. lol

The very next shot is SO funny to me, because we literally just got to see Elgar'nan, the biggest flippin dragon we've ever seen in DA and it's followed by a shot in which Elgar'nan looks SO tiny next to Ghilan'nain. lmaooo

His ego doesn't allow to appear small though, I guess, so he f*cking levitates to top her in height. lmao These two ancient clowns are already killing me.

What's interesting though is that this is the exact same angle from which we left off in the gameplay showcase. And Solas is nowhere to be seen, so... did he literally just "poof" away right there into that Fade prison?? lmao

We get a quick montage of all the lovely monsters we will face. Like I mentioned, there's the Elgar'nan dragon taking a swim in the ocean, I guess? (I hope he drowns. lol) And a shot of what I think is Irelin (from TN and The Missing) doing.. something with some magical device. Someone fighting a magical "automaton" in the Arlathan Forest. lol Harding doing her THING again, acting like Toph from Avatar, literally bending the flippin earth, like a true Child of the Stone!!

And right before the end, there's one of my personal favorite shots, Rook basically bitch slapping a Pride demon into full K.O.?? lmao

The trailer ends with a final beautiful shot of Pokemon Ruby & Sapphire. lol No, seriously. A SUPER blighted pair of angry dragons, seemingly at the same snowy place that Elgar'nan and Ghilan'nain popped up earlier in the trailer. 👀👀👀

So, they might have something to do with this? There was a dead dragon lying on the ground in an earlier shot, so maybe the elven gods revived them? If I see Blue and Red, I'm of course immediately reminded of lyrium.. whatever that means. Or, given that they seem to be attacking Grey Wardens in this place... maybe we are looking at an altered form of Archdemons?? Or something similar to Corypheus' dragon? 👀 There is an interesting theory floating around that Ghilan'nain might look like *that* because she somehow merged with her lover Andruil. As I mentioned in the beginning, Ghilan'nain seemed to have been struck by a spear or something.. and in this shot, you can see that the red dragon is pulling a spear out of its body! Sooo... maybe that actually IS her?? And she somehow transformed into two different blighted dragons, representing herself and Andruil??? The tinfoil hat is strong with this one. lol

ANYWAY. The release date is revealed to be 31st of October, making this the best Halloween of all time!! Not only is it perfect because of its origin, Samhain, the thinning of the Veil between the living and spirits.. But also because we all get a chance to dress up as Manfred, walk into the store, buy the game and then go Trick or Treat (but mostly trick) in the name of Fen'Harel, the Trickster God. 😂😂💜💜💜

And that's it!! Now we only have to wait two months before we can all lose our collective shi— NO WAIT, OF COURSE WE'RE NOT DONE YET.

WHAT THE HELL

IS THIS

EXCUSE ME, how do you throw this in there in the background at the very last second, HELLO??? A rocky object, split in half. HUH, WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THAT BEFORE.

Oh, you sneaky sneaky people. The mural depicting a Titan's death.... Remember the description of this place in DAI's files.

"A final eluvian is situated in a beautiful bolt-hole where Solas has painted murals. Fen'Harel was here and wanted to make sure nobody ever found what the other gods were doing. This place was the breaking point for him that turned him against the gods."

Whatever this is... I think it might be the very reason why all of this is even happening. The Evanuris mined the Titans' blood and "something else" before they collapsed and sealed the Deep Roads with stone and magic.

"Terror, heart-pounding, ice-cold, as the last of the spells is cast."

"What the Evanuris in their greed could unleash would end us all. Let this place be forgotten. Let no one wake its anger. The People must rise before their false gods destroy them all."

I'll leave it at that. I'm so so so flippin excited. I want to thank all the devs involved, I'm so full of joy and can't wait to finally return back to Thedas in October. 🥹🥹🥹 (And if anyone wants to get me that "Rook's coffer" collectibles thing for my birthday two days after release, my address is— naah just kidding!! ..or AM I?? 👀😂😂)!! 💜💜💜💜💜

[zopharooni]

"Ombros"

A DMAU story, part 1/4 (next part)

Ombros.

My home.

The beauty of this land is something none of the others can compare to. The beautiful temperate rainforest, backed by the glorious mountains, with comforting clouds constantly raining down. Sure, the grey tones might not be for everyone, but the inhabitants here love it.

I am currently on the hunt for some wild crops to add to our dinner tonight. Carrots and potatoes to go with whatever hearty meat meal Spike is able to hunt. It's not like I can't hunt for meat, but it's nice to be able to just stroll through the forest and enjoy myself, not having to focus on the hunt. Gideon loves his meats while Cliff loves his plants. Despite how different they are, they are perfect for each other.

Spike and I never actually met our parents. They abandoned us by the lakeside, unable to take the responsibilities of two children. Thankfully, Gideon and Cliff found us. I am forever grateful that they were there, and they are the best dads I could ask for.

Spike and I are deer. We look very similar, but Spike is bigger, has antlers, and blue eyes as opposed to my green eyes.

Cliff is a mountain goat, native to Ombros. He has black fur, with red highlights around the edges of his hair and beard. He's big, tough, and muscular, but honestly, he's just a big teddy bear. He couldn't hurt a fly. He did teach Spike how to use the bow, though! I didn't really care to learn about it, I liked the long stabby-slashy-choppy weapons more.

Gideon is a fennec fox, with really cool purple fur. His ears are huge! They're adorable! He's still pretty muscular, but on the more lean side. He's usually the one that talks to passers by and will never let anybody walk over him. He's also the one who taught me and Spike to fight with weapons!

My train of thought is briefly interrupted as the sound of rolling thunder fills the air. Guess I gotta hurry, we might have a bad storm tonight. Here in Ombros, it's almost always raining. The plants here have adapted to it, with tall trees, dense undergrowth, and most plants having massive roots to intake the falling water. Any rain not absorbed by the plants and soil, runs off down into the lakes. Great, beautiful bodies of water. I often sit by the lake side just enjoying the view. Wherever there isn't rainforest or lakes, is smooth rock, with small veins feeding the water back down to the lakes.

Wading through leaves slightly quicker, I spot a large cluster of my targets. I begin pulling on the deep, slightly faded green of the leaves, revealing the ombrosian carrots. Here, they grow as a more amethyst colour, which I hear is different from outside the lands of the old faith. I spot some large leaves that only grow from potatoes, and pull them up as well. Their pastel brownish hue matches well with the grey colours here. I also suddenly see a glint in one of the bushes off to the side. An iridescent crystal! Sometimes colloquially called "Ombrosia", you can sometimes find crystals like these around the place, and nobody really knows where they come from. Some say they fall from the skies during storms, some say they grow to the size of a person. They are rumoured to have a variety of uses, from good luck, to healing, to even being able to cast magic spells. Regardless, I place all of the goodies into my rucksack, and begin treading back towards home.

Home. Gideon and Cliff made a nice cabin for us a decade ago, and it's perfect. Comfortable and Cosy in all the best ways, staying warm and dry. My mind lingers on them. My dads. I can never not be grateful for all they do. Their life is our family, and they would do anything and everything if it meant we were happy. One day Spike had mentioned that he wanted to be a boy. So they lost a daughter, but gained a son, and I got a brother. They didn't question a thing, they just wanted to support him. Spike! I hope he's okay! The storm can make the hunt much harder, but he's older than me, and can likely handle himself much easier.

I finally make it back to our cabin. I open the door and am immediately greeted by the smell of cooking dinner. I see Spike's bow and quiver hanging by the door, so I know he made it back safe.

"Gid! Cliff! I made it back, with a great haul to show for it!" I yell into the kitchen.

"Oh good! Get your butt over here and start helping with dinner then!" Cliff's voice echoes.

I get into the kitchen and immediately start cleaning my haul of vegetables. Cliff is assembling dishes of vegetables while Gideon is searing various meats to add to them. Spike is slightly off to the side, butchering his Bounty from the day.

Dinner is going to be awesome tonight!

[candycandy00]

Actually speaking of, do u have any writing tips?? I might start writing fanfics when I'm bored idk

Sure, I can give some writing tips! Just keep in mind that these are tips that work for me. What works for one person might not work for another. 

My first general tip is one I hated hearing when I was younger: read a lot! Read the sort of stuff you want to write, but also other stuff as well. There’s literally nothing that will help you write more than reading. The tip I was always given as a teenager was “to be a good writer, you must first be a good reader”. I thought this was bullshit lol. I only read comics and manga. I rarely ever read actual books. But an online friend gave me the same advice, and encouraged me to read more. I did, and actually enjoyed it, and it’s made a huge difference in my writing. Now I consider myself an avid reader.  

Secondly, decide on a writing method that works best for you. For me personally, that’s writing in the Notes app on my phone. When I used to write on my laptop, I struggled to find time to actually sit down and write. But once I switched to doing it on my phone, my output increased dramatically. Maybe the opposite is true for you, but it’s important to try different methods and find what works for you. I know people who hand write their stories and type them up later. So any method is valid. 

Now these are a bit more personalized to me but they might be helpful to others:

If you’re writing anything longer than a short one shot, have a plan in mind for where the story is going. It doesn’t have to be a detailed outline, you don’t even have to write it down. But have a general idea of the main story beats before you begin, so you know what you’re working toward. Even if it’s just a smutty one shot, it’s a good idea to know the main things you want to include and the general vibe of the story and what the ending will be like. You can of course change this as you go if you need to. 

For smut in particular, I like to focus on the emotions of the characters, not just the physical sensations. For me, this just makes the smut more interesting and stimulating. 

For dialogue, don’t get too hung up on sounding like a “real conversation”. People who tell you to listen to real conversations to help with dialogue are crazy. Real conversations are a mess! People start and stop sentences out of nowhere, say the wrong words and correct themselves, lose their train of thought, etc. They would not be fun at all to read! Instead, you want to give the illusion of a real conversation. You write it out in a way that sounds interesting and serves the plot and is fun to read, but make it seem natural. Don’t forget to use contractions! I see a lot of beginning writers forgetting to use contractions in their dialogue. Unless it’s a character who speaks very formally, use them! 

Now this is probably the most important one, especially for writing fanfiction (but it applies to all writing): make some writing friends! Make friends with other writers here on tumblr who are writing in your fandom. Having a buddy to bounce ideas off of and just talk about your stories with is so so helpful. It keeps you motivated and excited to write, and you can inspire each other. And luckily it’s super easy to make friends with fanfic writers on here. The vast majority of them are very sweet and happy to talk to you. Literally just message them saying you enjoy their work and would like to be friends. Anyone who has a negative reaction to that isn’t worth having as a friend anyway. 

I hope these help! 

[masonscig]

Man. I won't say I'm disappointed with this book, but I think the series is a whole lot better when the focus is on things being done TO the mc vs random people suffering because x wants their blood

Like, book one was about Murphy going after the mc. Simple clear threat that fits the tone of the books. Sure some other people died but I don't think it hindered anything

i liked book 2 because it was just a genuine supernatural problem. The carnival guys who's name I can't remember rn were just having a simple conflict of interest with wayhaven. I'm not mad at the trappers coming in at the end but I think a simple low stakes ending where they sign the treaty or don't would have been just as fitting

But book 3 was absolutely not ready to actually handle the dark topics it wanted to devle into. The scope of the plot was way to wide and it still managed to feel slow. If it were up to me I would have just had the trappers going after addie with no connection to mc. It would be lower stakes than like. A dozen or whatever kidnappings and wouldn't have made the actual romance (you know the focus of the books?) Feel so out of place tone wise.

Sorry for rambling into your ask box lol I just have many thoughts about book 3 (like the fact that on steam it sits alphabetically between book 1 and 2 so my steam games list goes 1 3 2. That's going to bug me forever)

HI <3 before i respond, don't apologize for leaving a long ask in my inbox! i absolutely love getting asks and especially ones that open up discussions! <3 thank you for this !! answering below the cut

you're so right about the differences between books. it's so much better when it's contained – the story for this was just too big for her to get her hands around. and that's awesome that she was ambitious! the story quality just suffered a lot bc of it. dude i LOVE that it was just One Guy Versus Unit Bravo for a while, because it was just so much more focused and allowed for more romance to bloom – and a huge reason i liked falk so much is that, like you said, it was a conflict of interest. he's not evil – just from another world with another cultural standard for "judgment". in book 3, it's literally a human (or supernatural in this case) rights violation. these are children – being kidnapped and attempted to be sold. this isn't a story that should have any lighthearted plot beats in the slightest – unless they were organic, and none of them felt that way

it's funny (not funny haha, funny weird) you say that about addie, because i was having an in depth discussion with friends about how much better the plot would flow if less people had been kidnapped. even just the idea that there are supernatural youth existing in wayhaven and that it is in fact, not safe for anyone! human or supernatural!

this book is just lacking the emotional impact plot-wise that it should, in my opinion, because she tried to cram so much into one book. that doesn't mean any of the plot points are bad, per se, they just needed to be workshopped, edited down, saved for later books, cut out completely – whatever makes the series flow better! and that's not to say any of these ideas are bad ideas – it's just unrealistic to write literally every possible idea for twc! there's going to be a point where there's too much to call back to and it's going to affect the story if those things aren't mentioned again yk?

also STOP ITS OUT OF ORDER ON STEAM??? LMAOOOO the cherry on top to a shit sundae huh.

[gutwrenchflowerbomb]

This post is just me sort of rambling about the thoughts surrounding my new job so feel free to scroll past.

New workspace. This machine was installed a few weeks ago and a few of use were trained in it but I am the primary operator. They haven’t installed my work table yet so I’ve been using that cart. I’m two months into the drastic change in careers and it’s been strange - not just the obvious difference in what I’m actually doing but the shift as well. I don’t have weird start and ends times that change daily. But my set shift begins at 5am, meaning that I’m waking up at 3:30am. That’s the middle of the witching hour. I keep expecting to sit up and see some kind of demon ghost thing looking shocked like “the fuck you doing awake?”

But I’m less stressed, I think. I miss my clients dearly but now I no longer have to be responsible for the lives of 12 people. I can actually focus on myself. And the fact that I can do this job while wearing headphones has allowed me to catch up on podcasts and shit I’d long abandoned due to lack of time/energy. I’ve even made it a goal to listen to at least one new album a day from an artist I like but only know a song or two. I have 10 hours a day to fill so it’s not that hard to do. (I’m open to suggestions btw so if you have a fav band/album you think more people should hear, let me know! I don’t really *hate* any genre, except 90% of the new bro country shit)

My medical insurance kicks in on July 1st, so I can finally go to the doctor and dentist. They’ve had some overtime available that I’ve taken advantage of, and will continue to do so as long as it’s there. Mostly because I need all the money I can get and also - I don’t mind the work. It feels good to be physically doing stuff. I’m not like, building houses or anything but there I’m for sure getting more movement than I was previously. The ONLY downside so far of this job is that it’s very hard to regulate the temperature. I’ve had to buy my own fan to bring in and honestly I’m about to get a second one so I can have it blowing on my from both sides. Ya girl STAYS hot.

I’ve been staying with my mom and it’s been rough. We don’t have the most loving relationship, she gets on my goddamn nerves but I try not to get to frustrated with her because it will only make things worse. Maybe one day I’ll write some essays about it, as my upbringing with her was anything but “normal” but I digress.

The most challenging thing has been the lack of *silence* in the house. Before, I had my roommates. Ut they were hardly home when I was and then they had their room upstairs. We never really got in each others space. Here, that’s not possible. I’m literally sleeping on a twin bed that’s been set up in the dining room since it’s a tiny 750sq ft one bedroom house. And my mom nor Mo work, so they NEVER LEAVE. And neither of them have much variety in the food they eat so I’ve had to adapt to eating much of the same bland poor southern shit I grew up with. Which is good occasionally but man. I can’t wait to have my own kitchen again and cook some Indian food. Or Mediterranean.

My goal is to have my own place by the first of August. Thats plenty of time to have the money for the first few months plus deposit. The biggest issue is not knowing what’s gonna be on the market. Rent, while not nearly as high as places like Chicago and Austin and huge cities like that, it’s still unreasonable for a single income person. Especially when that income is just under 40k a year, pre tax.

Anyway, my hope is that once I get moved into my own place I can finally have the energy and focus to do more creative shit. I have TONS of ideas written down but with no space to do any of them, it’s been depressing. I’ve got buttons and magnets and silly shit all in my big ass head. And not all of it is wrestling related.

Alright I’m gonna stop now. But yeah if anyone read all this I apologize haha. It’s not my usual shit of making jokes about AEW and posting too many pics of Chuck Taylor and Orange Cassidy.

[bloomskullberry]

Ok you know what i just gotta write out my feelings on the new Miraculous movie. I have both good and bad things to say. I will be rewatching it cause i was pretty biased (we'll get to that) and maybe reposting this with my new thoughts afterwards cause this is a lot.

THUS: READ MORE AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION and understand that most of this is based on personal perception, preferences, and an element of nostalgia/frustration (ive been watching this show since season one, would not have made it this far if I didnt have FEELINGS about Miraculous). but take everything with a sprinkle of salt.

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS ABOUT THE NEW MIRACULOUS MOVIE UNDER THE CUT

1. Pacing felt like the biggest issue. A lot of stuff was happening, and a lot of big moments were happening, but there was nothing inbetween that made them feel like they flowed into eachother, and a lot of the character/relationship "development" relied on the viewers previous knowledge of the show, even tho its pretty clear the movie was doing stuff very differently in terms of characters and relationships. Do i understand this is a 1hr 40min movie trying to encapsulate the slowburn romance and 5 seasons worth of content in a way that caters to the fans of said 5 seasons? Yes, its a huge ask for what is essentially 5 episodes (average 20 mins long). Especially with the amount of exposition the concept of Miraculous requires. Is it still disappointing, considering the movie left out information because of its audience and still rushed through important stuff to just get to the "juicy" moments? Yeah

2. Visuals were lovely, as was the music and specific moments. Honestly if the pacing wasnt such an issue and everything was developed more, the Ladybug and Ladynoir songs (maybe even the Hawkmoth one too) would be really enjoyable as a way to progress stuff and show development. Im also a sucker for dramatic visuals during musical numbers to help emphasize the feelings/emotions of the characters, and it really showcases the potential benefits the animation could add to the show as a medium

3. I actually really liked movie!Marinette (partly cause she wasnt a stalker and creep about her crush on Adrien) qnd because she had a much more sarcastic and bantering attitude, even outside of the costume, which made Ladybug an alter ego more than a complete other person (which is a slight issue ive had with the show). The scene of her growing into her civilian persona and becomign more confident actually made me really happy, especially her standing up to Chloe

4. Movie!Chat Noir kinda pissed me off ngl, and felt very disconnected from movie!Adrien (or at least how he was shown). People have said movie!Adrien is much more depressed/isolated and acts appropriately as to his home life (and dont get me wrong, i loved his scene where he stood up to Gabriel), but i think thats why his relationship with Ladybug and complete 180 as Chat Noir feels so off to me? Like his almost "meanness" with Ladybug at first from being super cocky and then doesnt even apologize for his treatment of her even after he falls for her just throws me off (tbf ive always been biased against the "cocky assholes falling for people who put them in their place" trope, so this might just be a me thing). Idk, it just doesnt sit right with me

4b. Anyone else notice Adrien didnt even get chosen for being kind? Plagg just appeared in his bedroom? Like Marinette almost got ran over from saving Master Fu and then Adrien is just like Yo A Cool Ring. Idk, its funny but that felt weird to me

5. The stupid freaking montage. Yall cannot even imagine how much I hate the montage. If they had replaced the montage with one scene and maybe cut down the magician and mime fight to add another scene in to focus on marinette + adrien friendship and then adrien personal life development or chat noir + ladybug bonding/respect for EACH OTHER i think it would have elevated the movie to new heights. The montage essentially was the movie pressing fast forward x3 on any development of characters. Its because of montages like these that make me appreciate filler or fun episodes in any show, because when you just stick a montage in then you feel like youre watching coworkers kiss when the movie is trying to convince you theyre starcrossed ride or die lovers. Made me feel like i watched the origins episode and then the season 5 finale with just the stormy weather 2 episode inbetween. Hate it.

6. Movie!Tikki has personality and movie!Plagg is a fart machine. I think its clear theres a favorite. Feels like it reflects the focus on Marinette and lack thereof on Adrien as a character present in both the show and the movie. Hardly a new observation, just food for thought.

7. ¿¿¿¿¿¿movie!Hawkmoth/Gabriel???? That basically sums up how I feel about him but to explain theres just very little done with him i feel. Plus it seems like all his Hawkmothing around actually takes a toll on his wellbeing, which is really cool and interesting, but it just comes out of nowhere afTER THE STUPID MONTAGE. Like id love to see the kind of degradation of his health, mental physical and emotional, as he works to revive Emilie, cause you cant tell me thay wouldnt make stuff a lot more interesting (i know he got catacylsmed but the show just treated it as an outfit change and checking his arm like a clock until the season finale, so it doesnt really count for me), but mans just shows up looking like a wreck and fights with Adrien

7b. Also i was pretty confused about how him breaking/rejecting his akuma at the end of the movie worked, and him just having all the powers ever while akumatized?? But that's just me being picky at a superhero show where magic animal jewelry exists

8. Movie!Chloe and movie!Sabrina felt more real in a way? Like Chloe was just stuck up and self centered, not actively making everyones life hell, and Sabrina didnt just blindly follow her along (i ADORED when she let Marinette escape and when she shrugged at her during the ball, you go girl you have that personality and self-consciousness the show never allowed you to have until the last moment), it was more a reluctant follower ignoring a friend's red flags ya know? Movie!Chloe wasnt the mayors daughter who had control over every adult in Paris and would literally become a dictator if elected. She was just freaking out at Marinette for "ruining" her sweater. Shes still a bully/mean kid, but shes dialed back, which i think makes her much better.

9. Alya and Nino were just kind of chilling, i dont have any feelings about their characters except how terrible Nino is at advice, and Alya was set up as a good friend throughout the movie, so i appreciate her supportiveness of Marinette. Tom and Sabine were set up to do more/be more important in the movie (I was so sure Tom was gonna be akumatized at the fair, but nope), but were kind of dropped halfway? Like Tom was set up as the overprotective and loving kinda helicopter father who would go all the way to the fair in disguise to watch over Marinette, and then he was just never mentioned again after Marinette felt embarrassed by him at said fair. Wasted opportunity and time for a movie with so much issue in pacing

10. I saw buggachat say this movie felt like an animated fanfiction of MLB and I have to say i completely agree. I dont mean that in a bad way, i love fanfiction with all my heart and you can clearly see that the movie and a lot of fanfiction fixes the issues many fans have with the show. But the thing is, this is a full movie, not a collection of one-shot specific scene rewrites. Thus, for it to be successful in "rewriting" or creating an alternate version of MLB, it has to include those in-between moments, not just the juicy identity reveal, or the "my heart belongs to another " moment, or even the "Gabriel actually cares about his son" moment. Is the movie good at those moments? Goodness yes. It definitely has its humor, its enjoyment that you can tell is a gift to the fans. But as a movie, a whole animated film, it disappoints.

10b. I mean for goodness sake they didnt even mention that Catacylsm was a thing until it was used, and Lucky Charm wasnt utilzed at all, just the fixing power (that might just be a genuine change they made so Ladybug wasnt too unbalanced with Chat Noir tho)

OK IM DONE, phew. Those are my major thoughts from the day after watching the movie, and im going to watch it again more carefully later. Ill not to be so personally biased and to just enjoy it. Who knows, maybe ill think differently afterwards.

Definitely gonna listen to the songs again, and definitely gonna burst out laughing at Careless Whisper tho

[notebookmusical]

What's your opinion on her having not read the source material and writing a retelling anyway? Do you think people are justified in their anger or overreacting? I just think it's hilarious she said reading percy jackson made her qualified enough to write about this and that she thinks the Internet will forget, on the other hand people are way too quickly angry and should give more things a chance without jumping on the hate train immediately

good afternoon! i think that this conversation actually is a little more complex than just "are people justified in their anger or overreacting", and i've been trying to figure out how to respond to this ask for a while now (sorry it took so long). i'll preface this answer with the fact that i haven't looked into this book/this author too much, but i went and skimmed through the original interview that you're referencing for the sake of answering this ask. i also think that if the book had been marketed as "inspired by" rather than "a retelling", we'd be having a different conversation!

my thoughts under the cut because this got very long!

do i personally think that authors should read the source material before writing a retelling, a remix, etc.? yes, very much so. i don't think that you can subvert a classic and do it justice if you're not also addressing the original themes. it's why i have a problem with most (if not all) austen retellings i've read, because very few of them include social commentary and just focus on the romance, when social commentary was a large part of austen's works. (and also why i am constantly disappointed with the retellings i've read). do i think this got blown out of proportion/do i think people made this just about this specific author and interview when there is a larger conversation to be had (and when other authors have done the same)? also yes.

"I read a lot of the stories within The Odyssey, because they’re in things like Percy Jackson, and those little books of mythology you get as a kid, but I actually started and finished writing without sitting down and reading the whole thing. I have various translations; there are parts that are very beautiful and readable, but it’s so long, and written in a ‘prose-y’ way that’s kind of impenetrable." "Largely mythology has bypassed YA, which is why this is quite fun, because I love Greek mythology and YA, so it’s a little fun melding of my favourite things." (x)

i think the way people on twitter/instagram talked to/about this author (back when i was more active on twitter) was incredibly unnecessary; there's no reason people should be sending hate, and i feel very strongly about this. and i think that it's easier to target one person/one incident, rather than have productive conversations about how publishing doesn't want to tell stories of color, or how publishing fails to support authors (whether it's with media training or marketing), or how publishing fails to support their own staff, or how publishing rewards white mediocrity, or how publishing is a huge cesspool.

i think that there are several layers to this: the first, being that this author is now a new york times, indie, and international bestselling author. which is great for her, especially as a debut author — that's going to open up a lot of doors for her, and ultimately it is a huge triumph! from what i've seen (just from scrolling twitter/feed osmosis, really), her book had a pretty significant marketing budget (or at least, more than some other debuts, given that they had personalized ARCs), which i'm sure also helped a lot. i'm also going to say that the NYT bestseller list is a bit of a scam, but that's a different conversation. she also got a movie deal for this book, but i never really think too much of movie rights being sold until casting has been announced. by all of these metrics, it seems like (from my limited outside point of view) the author's career hasn't really been affected by people's "anger or overreaction", as you put it.

i can't help but wonder how this would be different if the author was a person of color. there's another (longer) conversation on which books and authors publishing sets up to succeed in terms of marketing budgets (and how many authors aren't really given any help, how authors are being thrown to the tiktok wolves, author burnout, etc.) to be had as well.

i also can't help but think of how authors of color are constantly told that they don't know their own stories/culture etc. well enough, or that publishing already has one book that is vaguely similar (and by that i mean 0.0000001% similar). and then you get this author, who is able to not just publish her book (and become a bestselling author) by rewriting a story that she didn't read entirely (i won't speak to how well she knew the bit of the story she was inspired by, because i 1) don't know the odyssey that well & 2) have not read her book), but also reach such levels of "success". i remember seeing on twitter that people were talking about how authors need media training (which is true), but also that i only ever see the "authors need better media training and support" argument when we're talking about white authors.

something that i personally wish people wouldn't do though, is rate books on goodreads a 1 star (with a comment about not having read the book) for the sake of giving it a 1 star without reading it, because then it makes it harder to see reviews that properly criticize the writing/plot/etc. and people aren't able to make as informed of a decision when picking up a book. and this goes for all books, not just this one.

i definitely have more to say on this, but i'm going to cut myself off here since 1) this answer got really long & 2) if i don't i'll never hit post

[fiction1995]

Chapter 3

Harry was sitting alone in a different table from his friends, Oliver started making out with a girl while Alex were in deep conversation with another, and Matt was on the dance floor with Mina, dancing closely, intimately, he tried to look away but every time his eyes were drawn back on them "hey" he heard Alex voice and he jumped a little in his chair "Jesus..." Alex said when he saw Harry's reaction "sorry" Harry said and scratch the back of his neck "don't worry about it" Alex said "why aren't you sitting with us?" he continued while sitting next to Harry "it's okay, I don't want to interrupt" Harry said and played with the beer bottle with his hands "why don't you ask someone out? I'm sure a lot of girls would love to, you're pretty popular" Alex said with a smile, Harry appreciate it, the fact that Alex noticed that Harry was missing "it's really ok, I just don't want to hook up with anyone" Harry explain "why? do you have a girlfriend or something?" Alex asked and Harry just shook his head, then there was a silence in the table that made Harry feel uncomfortable, which is weird, in the whole place were so loud music but all he could focus on was Alex sitting next to him in a complete silence "you..." Harry started to say at the same time Alex open his mouth to talk too, they giggled at each other "you wanted to say something?" Harry asked and Alex nodded, shifting his body from side to side, looking a little uncomfortable "what is it?" Harry asked, not loving the idea of his friend struggling with what ever this is "can I ask you something?" Alec finally asked and Harry nodded "are... umm... are you gay?" Alex asked, looking down, not dares to meet Harry's eyes, which was good because they were wide open "w..what?" Harry stutter "I... I was wondering if you are gay... you turned down every single girl who asked you out... so I..." Alex stutter himself, Harry tried to decide if he should share his secret or not, how will Alex react? will he hate him? will he accept Harry as he is? "I... I'm sorry, you don't have to answer.. it was rude of me to ask that..." Alex said while Harry was deep in thoughts so he didn't notice that he didn't say a word apparently for a long time "umm... what if I am?" Harry asked, nervously "are you?" Alex said and finally got the courage to look at him "will it change anything?" Harry said, getting even more nervous "what do you mean?" Alex asked, confused "what ever you like, I don't care about it, you're my friend... I just asked because I was feeling that you have been dealing with a lot... so I tried to come to you, so you know you're not alone" Alex said, he reached out and took Harry's hand in his own, smiling sweetly, Harry just stared at him, still struggling to decide but seeing Alex being so cute and trying to help him soften his heart "I... yes, I am" Harry admitted, the second he said that he felt a huge rock lifting off his chest "wow.. it's weird to say that out loud..." Harry said, trying to fight the smile but couldn't help it, he looked at Alex who stood up 'wait... is he leaving?" Harry thought, he watched him getting closer and without saying a word Alex pulled him into a close hug "I'm so proud of you... I guess it was so hard on you... I'm so sorry I didn't notice sooner" Alex said into the hug, Harry just embrace him, feeling ashamed of his thoughts before, he actually thought Alex would go but instead he's being such an amazing friend "thank you, thank you for being my friend" Harry said and Alex backed up and sat down back on the chair "of course, we're going to be always together" Alex said and smiled, Harry smiled but at the same time his eyes drifted away, founding Matt again, still dancing closely with Mina, even making out now "I'm sure it's hard..." Alex suddenly said and Harry looked back at him "what is?" Harry asked, not sure if he heard him right "being in love with someone you can't never have..." Alex said and looked at him.

| TBC|

[thegreatobsesso]

It's been 38 days since the election and this is the first time I've actually written something that makes me happy. It's like the first time I actually was able to focus on a scene long enough to dip down into it and actually feel excited about it, and that is bringing my heart back to life in a way that is impossible to describe.

I would like to thank Aster for this - she's coming in strong and showing me who she is, and that is an absolutely horrifying wolf in sheep's clothing, and I love her to death. 

--

Octavius POV

He locates Aster quickly inside his clubhouse lounge; she’s shrugged off a creamy fur fit for the arctic and is currently sipping a clear drink around a huge ice cube. He seats himself across from her and kicks back without matching her warm greeting.

“Let’s have it, then.”

“Have what?”

“I assume you have a victory speech prepared. You’ve obviously been planning this for quite some time, and you’ve managed to achieve it in plain sight. Even your own father didn’t see it coming.”

She frowns softly. “You should be nicer to me. I’m in mourning.”

“You’re the one who killed him.”

“Mature humans can hold two truths at once.”

He’s reaching for his jacket pocket before he realizes it. He’s brought a rare Montecristo with him, having absolutely no intention of enduring this interaction without smoking.

“Yes, well, getting shot puts me in a bad mood.” 

“You left me little choice,” she smiles, good-natured and open. “I made sure you barely nicked. Besides, you can’t honestly tell me you didn’t appreciate the orchestration of the thing. Just a little bit.”

The thing is, she’s right. Recreation derailment aside, any night he’s not bored is a good night. He forgets, sometimes, how well Aster actually knows him.

“Just like old times,” he says, cutting the end off the cigar and toasting the foot. 

Aster cocks her head. “Old times?”

“You don’t remember? You and I tearing around your father’s estate, taking turns killing each other.”

That earns him a laugh from her, a proper one as far as he can gage, and anyone watching would take them for the best of friends. “Oh, hell. I haven’t thought about that in years. That actually felt normal at the time, didn’t it? Children of organized crime, I suppose that’s what you get.”

The first puff of the cigar is pure heaven and it does, in fact, pair well with his syrupy memories of long, pointless afternoons at the Craine estate, making secret bases out of empty cedar chests and antique armoires, taking turns being the assassin and the snitch.

Their elders never talked about murder in front of them, he was fairly sure, but somehow he and Aster understood what was happening anyways and fashioned their play accordingly while their peers were chalking hopscotch boards onto the sidewalk.

A different time. His parents were still alive and Aster was a boy named Ben. Or she was a girl in a boy’s body, however you’re meant to denote such things in the year of our lord 2024. The proper syntax changes far too often.

“What is it you want, Aster?”

She’s sitting there across from him straight-backed in her chair, watching the smoke curl from his mouth with something like pity. “Honest answer?”

He scoffs. “I should hope so, otherwise I’m not quite sure what we’re doing here.”

“Then in that case, I’d like us to be friends again. You do work for me now, but I don’t see any reason why you can’t work with me instead.”

How very rich. He leans forward to tap away the beginnings of accumulating ash. “Do you honestly think I’m going to be swayed by your sweet-talking? I’ve watched you slither your way through these ranks trading loyalty like currency, brainwashing everyone around you into doing your bidding.”

“That’s a very curious way to describe the act of building meaningful relationships based on mutual respect.”

“Drop it, Aster. I can see you.”

She stares back at him with those watercolor eyes of hers, washed in gentleness. “I’ll never know what exactly I did to deserve your disdain,” she says evenly, “but you can be sure of one thing. I will never give up on you.”

She stands, securing the hideous fur around her shoulders and slinging her clutch across her chest. “Right now, I need you to escort me downstairs, where you’ll walk me through the books line by line.”

“The hell I will, I’ve only just started my cigar.”

“And tomorrow, you’ll schedule personal meetings with me, yourself and every one of your board members.”

“I don’t schedule things. My assistant does.”

She smiles patiently. He directs his attention straight at the end of his cigar. 

“I’m going to be relentlessly lovely to you, Octavius,” she promises, “until you’ve simply got no reasons left to hate me.”

She sits back down, slips off the fur, and waits for him to finish his cigar.

--

✨ WIP intro

🔖 tag list: @winterandwords // @foxboyclit //@revenantlore

@space-writes // @indecentpause // @words-after-midnight

comment to be added or removed!

📝 all posts from WIP: gay crime bdsm story

--

Blessings be upon you all, and may a spark of renewed energy reach and warm you as it has me. <3

[irismfrost]

July 23 - Taipei to Yilan: Baimi Clogs and Kili Bay Boba

Today was the annual Taiwanese Wanan Air Raid Drill. It actually happens all week, but for different areas. The only way to avoid these drills is to be on the federal highway, so that’s what we did, but we still got the phone notifications. You could see the emergency responders out on the roads from the windows of the bus. Since we had to leave the Taipei City hotel a little later than the original check-out time, we didn’t accomplish everything on our itinerary, but I was okay with that. 

Prior to our check-in at our hotel in Yilan County, we stopped at the Baimi Clog Museum. They went into the history of wooden clogs and still sell some. The pens with ridges actually feel great on your feet. There are some that are angled down on the heat; you’re supposed to just stand on them and it helps stretch your calves, especially when you breathe in and put your hands over your head. We made little keychains of these clogs and we got to design our own leather strap! When we first got there, we did a foot race with 3 people standing on the same wooden shoe. My team and I won 3 times which was pretty cool. 

We also stopped at Kila Bay Pearl Milk Tea Cultural Center. Here, we made our own tea and added boba. There was a lot of information about the types of tea and the creation and history of boba. Taiwan is famous for its boba tea, as it originated here and has spread to other parts of the world. I was a little sad that we didn’t get to make the actual boba, but the tea was cool and we got to take home our jar. You were supposed to dip your tea bag in the hot water 80 times, which seemed to me like an arbitrary number, but I guess there is a tried and true method here.

In addition, we were preparing for Typhoon Gaemi, which is expected to make landfall Wednesday morning. Typhoons are basically just hurricanes that originate in the NW Pacific Ocean - same thing, different name. We got a little rain today and stocked up on some supplies from 7/11. I am actually writing this blog on Wednesday instead of Tuesday, it has gotten stronger, equivalent to a category 4 hurricane. However, the people here aren’t worried and Taiwan as a country is very prepared for typhoons. It’s currently almost 4pm here, and the wind and rain have definitely picked up within the last hour.

Reflection

According to the Focus Taiwan CNA English News, the Wanan Air Raid Drills happen every year to make sure people know what to do in case of an emergency and to test local emergency responders. If you’re on the street, you go to the closest shelters and if you’re already somewhere, you just shelter in place. If you’re on a local road, you are just supposed to pull over. We were on a federal highway traveling between Taipei City and Yilan County, so we aren’t supposed to pull over. It lasted for only 30 minutes. We went through this tunnel which was 8 miles that went through a huge mountain to cut the time from Taipei to Yilan in half. It started construction in 1991 and cost $2.6 million dollars. The creation of this tunnel was actually a crazy feat. They encountered high pressure water issues causing cracks and volcanic issues because of the nature of Taiwan’s place sitting on the fault lines between tectonic plates. Apparently, Yilan is famous for its whiskey, hot springs (not sulfur) and green onions (for the scallion pancakes). There is also a lot of farmland here and people in the city will travel out there with their families so that their kids get a look into what it’s like to work in the fields, so there are a lot of Air BNBs and stuff like that out there. I thought it was interesting that parents in the city have a desire to show their kids how other people live - I don’t think it’s a common practice in the US. 

I thought the spread of boba was also interesting to learn about. There are so many things you can put in tea, and so many different types of tea. Over time, the way you make boba also changes with the advance of technology and the popularization of boba across the world. Even the creation of modern cups with the plastic piece on the top is the first of its kind. In our DIY, we used powdered milk, which tasted good, but definitely not a traditional recipe. Popularization of something can sometimes evolve very far away from the traditional version.

[aajjks]

Destroyer!JK *After Jungkook left Y/n was restless as she paced around that room she despised. Her mind was spiralling as she hasn’t slept in days thinking of a way to exit the place. She’s never made an attempt to escape as she knew that she first had to find out when Jungkook leaves and enters the place. She doesn’t even know her way around the house as when he brought her there she was unconscious. At first she tried to look for a way to break that window as that was her only option. She looked around the room to try to find an object she could break the window with. She looked around the room and as her eyes fell upon the little closet that has only like 3-4 clothes in it she thought of something even tho she highly doubted if it would work on not but it was her only choice so she tried her best to detach the heavy handle from the closet door* Oh my.. this is so hard I hope he doesn’t come back anytime soon. *After lots of effort she finally had the handle in her hands and took a deep breath. She refuses to eat ever since she has came here for god knows how long ago so her body has weakened. Couple of minutes later she makes her way to the window and uses all the power that’s left in her to throw the handle on the window but it doesn’t budge* That punk really made sure that I can’t get outta here. But I will get away from him. *she keeps banging the handle on the window and just as she was about to lose hope she saw that a little hole has formed on that window. Seeing this her eyes lit up and with a newfound force she starts to repeat her actions all over again as she internally prays that Jungkook doesn’t come back. At last as the window has been completely broken. Y/n starts to cry tears of joy as she could see her freedom out there and she successfully gets out through the large window* Phew this feels like heaven. Now all I gotta do is find the exit door and then I will finally be free. *the hallway is silent as she walks through it, the hallway is lined by different rooms and it seems that she was somewhere upstairs. There’s an elevator but she doesn’t dare to use it and thankfully finds the staircase* There are way too many stairs to her down. That fucker really had me hidden all the way up on the 3th floor *She finally gets on the ground floor and hurriedly tries to find her way to the exit while trying her best to look out for Jungkook incase he comes back. After a few moments she sees this huge black door and knows that this is what she was looking for. But her happiness was short term as she saw that there was a lock on the door and she had to enter a number to unlock it* Ok Y/n breathe… you’ve made it this far and you’ll do it. *One by one she tries entering different combinations. First his birthday. Then his phone number she enters her birthdate but it doesn’t work. All of a sudden an idea makes it’s way through her head and she enters the date she first saw him* OMG I CANT BELIEVE I DID IT!!!! *As the door unlocked she didn’t waste anytime and ran through the door*

��Tsk tsk where the fuck are you going? don’t make me force your hand and drag you inside. Get the fuck inside now.. I mean you were actually quite smart. You know you managed to get this, but I love spoiling things…. COME BACK.. or I’m gonna drag you. Did you really think that I’m stupid enough to actually leave you alone all on your own? Haha I was watching you pretty girl the whole time… Sitting in my garden, but too bad you actually didn’t focus with my phone in my hand.”

[anxiouspregnantlady]

8+2

Hii, back with a quick update.

I started taking a full tablet of unisom with my b6 a couple of days ago, but still find myself feeling bad from lunchtime on. Very exhausted. I am done by about 9:15pm and it's a battle to wash up and pee and stuff. Up in the middle of the night at least once, sometimes 3x, to pee. Boobs and nipples still sore. Also milk still comes out when I squeeze, lol. Did I say tired? The burping and heartburn has calmed down a bit.

Excitingly, I think my morning post-pee belly is starting to pop just a little. It's at quite a precise angle too, similar to how my beginning belly was with P. My end of day belly is huge, but I usually have quite the bloat going on anyway, so shrug. I do *feel* more stretched out though, and I feel more of an obstruction when I'm leaning over the kitchen counter to wash dishes.

I've made quite a lot of progress with my wardrobe. This pregnancy is very different from with P because I am working ~in person~ twice a week with clients and I would like to try and keep the pregnancy under wraps til at least 20 weeks. Just because of the nature of my relationship with my clients, where it is kind of disruptive/distracting for the focus to be on me and my personal life. SO, I've scored quite a few finds via thrifting! Mostly elastic waist pants - I have an olive green tencel pair, a wide leg black trouser, and the everlane dream pant. I also got some straight leg, high rise black gap jeans from goodwill and inserted a triangular elastic at each of the side seams so I have 4-6 more inches in the waist. My gripe with maternity jeans is they are so non-subtle, they are sooooo low rise, and they are ALL SKINNY JEANS!!! WHY!!! I guess it's easier for the jeans to stay up? Anyway, I LOVE the result and I'm actually wearing them now. I'm also trying to find tops that are a bit more flowy at the bottom. This is a big style adjustment because I've really leaned into the mom vibe lately and am more of a high waisted tucked in kinda person. But. More than happy to have to make a change.

OK last thing omg my sneak peek gender result got turned around ridiculously fast and the result is SITTING IN MY FREAKING INBOX. I'm attempting to not look for TWO WEEKS because I thought it would be really special for my SIL to surprise us. But then I realized I wanted to wait until everything was good at our 10w appointment before doing such a daringly celebratory kind of thing. Anxiety or sensibility? Who knows. It's my pregnancy. K doesn't think I can wait. But I think I can. I've archived it so it isn't staring at me.

I think it's a boy, to the extent that I will quite shocked if it's a girl.

Have to go work, lolz. The nausea is quite a bummer. But at least I can eat, and I have only thrown up once, thank you medications. Oh and I finally picked up a diclegis prescription today. Insurance denied the generic brand, weird enough, but I paid $0 for brand name. Things i've been craving - boba, fried chicken, blueberry bagel

[winderlylandchime]

I am so so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is such a hard thing to deal with because they really are family. Me and my brother as well (he genuinely teared up when he called me on FaceTime after I sent him your reply) are sending you guys lots of love. I’m glad that Emmett had such a beautiful long life with you guys and got to experience so much love from you.

My brother is also saying thanks for the book recommendations, he actually already owned one of them that he got for his birthday, so he got excited that you guys had similar taste in books.

And just to let you know a little story that made the entire family and a bar laugh (apparently the story got shared on a stage by one of his girls but he refuses to tell if that’s true (it is)) My brother went on a check up (for his wrist bc his doctor wanted to see the test results they did and to see his wrist how his movement is) and he accidentally mixed up his wrist check up with his after surgery follow ups that he is supposed to have with a different doctor next week… and um.. well, you see, his scar from surgery is pretty huge.. and it goes diagonally across half of his chest/stomach and down his leg/thigh… so for his check up he usually was asked to take his pants off… i hope you see where this is going… the doctor told him to sit on that table/bed they have in their office and excused himself for a minute and then came back to my brother in his underwear sitting on that table and swinging his feet like a child (i wish you could see how he reenacted it on FaceTime obviously clothed!!) and the doctor walked in and went ‘ummmm….usually for a wrist check up you don’t have to get half naked but um…i guess’ and my brother just stared at him like that pikachu meme. He did also learn during this check up that the doctors here (where im at) wrote ‘the young gentleman has occupied his free time with a tv show while he is on a strict bed rest’ so this will haunt him forever, not that he minds it

Hello dear sweet anon. Thank you (and your brother) so much for your lovely thoughts about my beloved Em. Our pets are family that never talk back, never argue, never do anything wrong (well there was the time that Emmett opened a drawer and pulled all the socks out and the other time he shredded an entire roll of toilet paper), they are so easy to love and grieving them is so uncomplicated.

HE GOT UNDRESSED FOR A WRIST CHECK UP! Omg. The doctor probably realized (after the fact) that your brother was so used to getting undressed. I have a fear of getting too naked for doctors’ appointments so I wind up listing like every article of clothing before they leave - bra? socks? underpants?

The young gentleman has occupied his free time with a tv show while he is on strict bed rest. WOW. Let me tell you, mental health clinicians (not sure about medical doctors) develop ways of charting things so that other clinicians can understand but because the chart belongs to the patient, we don’t want to write anything damaging. “Had a hard time identifying a focus for the appointment” is really “didn’t know what the fuck she wanted from therapy” or “struggled with the concept of mindfulness” means “refused to even consider a benign suggestion.” And my favorite “took notes in session” which really means “this person is getting an A+ in therapy, something which is possible to achieve and normal to want.” The fact that the TV is mentioned is a big honking flag to any other doctor that your brother is obsessed. He should be proud. I bet no other patients have a note like that in their chart. This is different from “yeah, doc, I’m rewatching the office while I recover” - I promise you that doesn’t make it into the chart.

I’m so glad your brother and I have similar tastes in books. I would ask for suggestions but I am currently drowning in books I want to read. (But actually, if he has any suggestions, lmk)

[voidhollow]

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD predominantly inattentive type. I always suspected it or something like it, it's always been difficult for me to learn at a good pace and I feel like I take forever to do anything at all. It puts a lot of my life into perspective, I told my mom and she told me about how hard it was to school me as a child and how I wouldn't sit still or listen or pay attention to my studies. She said she always thought it was weird, but didn't do any research.

For the most part, I can function pretty well and am well-adjusted, and a lot of that is because I have a fair amount of habits that allow me to get things done without having to pay much attention to what I am doing. However, I've struggled to pay attention to and focus on learning new things even when I'm really interested in them.

I think in retrospect I actually mask some of my symptoms and I think that's exhausting to do constantly. I think part of it is also being quiet and being very introverted, just some thoughts.

I was having a lot of fatigue and on my labs, everything always came back normal, I recently got a DO as my new doctor and we did a LOT of tests, after they were normal he asked if I'd ever been tested for ADD, I hadn't so he told me how to get it done and I did. I wasn't very surprised when it came back positive but I was happy to have a diagnosis for SOMETHING after all these years. I realized that the fatigue I've been dealing with has mostly been mental and less physical based. So I've been working on trying to figure out which one I'm feeling and how to word it properly.

My doctor did give me medication that I started taking as needed this week, and the difference is huge so far. Like I can just sit down and focus on something and feel like I'm making progress, and it doesn't feel painful to work on tasks. I've also not had crashes as of yet when it was off. Like I can feel it slowly wearing off, but I can still think pretty well and pay attention overall. I really hope it continues to be a good and helpful experience.

I also like that I don't feel the need to have caffeine when on my meds, quitting caffeine has been on my goal list for 2023. Overall I've gotten down to less than 100mg a day, usually, I have between 25mg and 70mg. Overall less caffeine equals less anxiety, and it's been ages since caffeine actually made me feel awake and mentally focused.

[keefwho]

September 01 - 2023 Friday

8:49 AM Thoughts

I guess I feel kinda worthless this morning. Rather my head is full of thoughts that keep telling me whats wrong with me and how everything is going downhill. They are deep beliefs like "I can't keep up this act" "It'll all come crumbling down" "Whats the point of trying anything if it'll only lead to ruin"

2:09 PM Thoughts

I hate where I am. I do nothing. I live in the same room every day. I don't really mean anything to anyone. I have no physical connection to anyone. I can't live up to any friend that does. That makes me disposable. I feel horrible and selfish that I think I deserve love from anyone. I feel wrong expecting that from anyone. No matter how much I give back, it never makes me enough. I want to be able to love like others do. I don't know if I am capable. I want to talk to my friend, I want to be moody with them and open up. But that also feels selfish, especially with what they are going through recently. I want to be able to have other friends I can be vulnerable with but I don't like anyone else like that. I don't know what to do with myself today or this weekend. All I can think about is how bad everything could be. I'm still awaiting the seemingly inevitable destruction of everything I enjoy in my life. I can't move up, only down. I don't even know how I got to where I am, I feel like I wrongfully own everything. I don't want to isolate but I don't want to talk to anyone either. I feel like I can't connect with anyone. But how do I know I'm not just self destructing. I know I need to make a conscious effort to put myself in favorable positions.

3:14 PM

I'm sitting here wallowing instead of doing something. I vaguely know what I want to do but my thoughts stop me. I'm literally choosing to give into my sadness rather than putting in the energy to direct my focus onto something that will fulfill me. I guess I still haven't really learned how destructive this really is. One day I should wake up and realize what I'm doing to myself.

11:54 PM

I don't WANT to do a journal entry but is that low self worth talking or do I really not want to? Also I DO want to in the sense that I want to have said I did it and documented my life a little but I don't want to put in the work. I will anyways.

Breakfast was leftover broccoli pizza. I wasn't looking forward to today since it's the 1st of the month and that means new commissions and finances. Stream went as normal as always. The guy that commissioned me was iffy on what he wanted at the end and I had to contain my frustration because of how petty his complaints were. Also he wanted to add a background which isn't a huge deal except I have to match the lighting of the background to his character while usually I do it the other way around. Really its just been bad communication on his part which is something I have to put up with alot.

Before lunch I tackled my finances and updated my profiles everywhere but honestly a good chunk of the midday was spent procrastinating. I took a shower and had spaghetti for lunch. After lunch I felt like giving into my sadness and not doing anything but I was able to get myself to work on some art and another avatar so I guess I'm proud of that. It was also a case of wanting to do something for the sake of having got it done and it is fulfilling if I can actually do it. I also made sure not to isolate myself by hanging out in a friend's server even if I was mostly just listening to them yell at their games. Eventually I left them and joined a different server where I finished up work and played some Battlebit with them. It was kinda fun but all day I had been in my head and wasn't entirely present. All day I just wanted to chat with my bestie about anything because I felt like I needed that emotional release and I did end up getting that after some fun VR time. The only meaning I felt today was spent with her because she always manages to be a good thing even on bad days. Now I'm hopeful for tomorrow that I can figure out some things to do and focus on them. Im aware of the kinds of ways I was feeling today and how I did/didn't handle it properly.