#single's awareness day more like it amirite

[runicink]

continued from here.

"It is, isn't it?" Viv commented as her eyes trailed toward the couple in question. She tilted her head a bit, and an amused smirk played on her lips as the couple was clearly no stranger to PDA. And to think that once upon a time that was her. Disgustingly in love with her fiancé, counting down the days until they could start their family. Now Vivian found herself sitting in this bar to drown out her sorrows, at least she wasn't alone anymore. "Glad to know I'm not the only one starting to get queasy having to watch that," she teased, "I swear if those two don't come up for air soon i'll have to go over there and start CPR.

"Or we let them suffocate on their love and learn a lesson? That sounds really dark but uh... sometimes that's what it takes to open one's eyes to the perils of giving your heart out like an idiot." Lucía sounded like a teenager for a brief moment, but there was conviction in that and the underlying feeling that, perhaps, she'd had some person experience that had informed the response. Heartbreak is no joke.

"I think the most PDA that should be allowed is hand holding and that's ONLY if you're like... super together. Not this fling shit. Not this 'oh my god we've been together three months and are absolutely in love and going to get married' shit but like... have witnessed your partner throwing up or have heard them in the bathroom clearly while doing their business. The real hurdles... the things that mess people up when it's just infatuation." And she was on a tear. Poor Viv, having to deal with a bubbly pessimist when it came to love.

[lovelytayforce]

Shifu's not so complicated relationship with fraud

Why do we as a society not talk about how comfortable Shifu is with committing fraud?

Now, first, let’s talk about fraud itself, this is what it means: wrongful or criminal deception intended to result in financial or personal gain. Or a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities. Now before we start, I want you all to know I am not condemning Shifu for his crimes, if anything I love the fact Shifu is so unapologetically happy with himself and who he is to just wake up a day after “the worst day of his life”, his words not mine, and choose violence and fraud above all things against his Master’s wishes because he didn’t get his way. Girl boss, Gate keep, and Gaslit amirite? Like what an icon!? I love this and think we should talk about it more cause it’s canon Shifu loves him some fraud and if he doesn’t get his way he will ruin everyone’s day for it. Again, we have to start from the beginning, because again, THIS IS IMPORTANT. “Oogway is choosing the dragon warrior.”, simple enough but the thing is Oogway never says it’s going to be one of the five anywhere in the film. Just “It’s time.” So, it could be anyone, he could point to the west and say “The Dragon warrior is not here but to the west.” and no one could say he lied about anything because it was Shifu hyping the whole town up with posters at the ready for HIS WIN. Not his student, his own. This is all about him. This is all about Shifu. This is Shifu’s show. And I have to highlight this short exchange between Oogway and Shifu before the tournament because it's so telling in their arcs. I know people love the joke, Oogway just dipped on Shifu to deal with his own bs, and tbh I would too cause that’s your family drama, not mine. But he warns Shifu, he feared he would not live to see this day and even implies “Whomever I choose.” again not a single confirmation he would choose one of his students, would bring him peace. And Shifu is left to ponder those words as this elaborate celebration he’d created for this “historic day they’ve been waiting 1,000 years for!” is also for him. Imagine that for a second. You are also a part of this historic day and its results.  But Shifu, our beloved idiot does not intake that in immediately, no. He’s ready to show off his five totally awesome lotto tickets, I mean the furious five. That and he’s so focused on his own grandeur, he’s out here sounding like a wrestling narrator, selling the strength and technique of his students rather than who they are outside of that skill. Which shows even he does not understand who the Dragon warrior is meant to be. Again, Oogway only says “I sense the Dragon warrior among us.” That doesn’t mean his students, just anywhere in the area. HE WAS WARNED. And then the Dragon warrior is chosen and Shifu’s immediate response is to try to stop everything even though it’s moving as it should just not in the way he wanted what’s the first thing this man does when his students, specifically Tigress apologizes for failing him?

That’s right baby, FRAUD. Didn’t even hesitate or think about it for longer than 10 seconds. Just straight up creating a toxic situation for fraud and bullying while his Master is alive and well in this world. But as we’ve established Shifu is an angry gatekeeping girl boss. And it only gets worse from here. Shifu not only threatens to kill Po but oh no. Cause that wouldn’t be enough for this Girlboss, okay? No, he’s got to demean and make fun of Po for his body and insinuate how the Dragon warrior is chosen and given the scroll when again, OOGWAY HAS NEVER SAID ANY OF THESE THINGS. And when he realizes Po is aware of the history of the Wuxi finger hold + how it affects the holder, etc, etc and even states “Oogway may have picked you and when I’m through with you. You are going to wish he hadn’t! Are we clear?” which means he’s VERY VERY VERY aware of what he is doing. Shifu willingly committed fraud. And even laughs about his decision, he is so happy with his ingenious idea to underplay what his Master, who sees him as a friend and a loyal student at his side and even supports his efforts for the tournament that wasn’t needed. It was just a flashy appetizer before the main meal. But nonetheless doesn’t tell him to stop because his hard work deserves to be shown off but also Shifu, a 60+ year old man is not only beefing with a 20 year old but also stepping all over Oogway’s decision because he is super upset he’s not the center of attention. He even throws away every shred of honor and dignity within Kung fu to make sure Po feels as unwelcome and inadequate as possible, we’ve all seen the “Level zero” scene but did y’all notice how even the furious five goes to help Po when he falls into the training Hall and Shifu straight up STOPS THEM WITH HIS HAND, and then smiles as Po screams in pain. This man enjoys fraud and revels in it with joy, it brightens his damn day more than the sun itself!!

Shifu willingly breeds and approves of his students also bullying Po because he didn’t get his “I trained the Dragon Warrior” trophy with his five lotto tickets-I mean The furious five… Which translates to the next few scenes that define their latter interactions with Po because students tend to mimic their masters. In good ways or bad ways… Especially to his daughter, Tigress who especially perpetuates Shifu’s ire toward Po even though her goal as clearly shown in the flashback was never the scroll but Shifu’s love as a father. Which the scroll would have never given her cause Shifu’s a selfish twat.  Shifu even laughs RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS DAUGHTER, about the fact his beautiful fraud and bullying got Po to quit and he’s so smitten with himself about it as they walk to the training hall and even says “All we can do is resume our training and trust that in time, the true dragon warrior will be revealed.” He’s just outright ignoring the fact, Oogway will never change his mind about who he chose. This is peak delusion ladies and gentlemen. So, if you ever wonder why Tai Lung so easily brought up fraud in their fight scene together, just know from this moment before they opened that door to the training hall. Shifu was all about that fraud to fix his problems. Until he got into one last argument about peach trees and seeds, and Oogway died, showing he wasted his time being a controlling asshole on the final days of his friend's life. And then remembered: “Oh wait bro fraud is actually wrong, oh god what have I done!?” And then he got physically beaten up by the consequences of his actions via Tai Lung and the mere sweet scent of fraud again, which he says no to. And that’s Shifu’s not so complicated relationship with Fraud. We need more fics where people have Po and the five bringing up the fact he was cool with fraud once upon a time. It’d be funny.

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Hobbit! Chapter 8

Sorry for the slight delay, folks. I had a migraine a few days ago and it just absolutely wiped me.

They walked in single file.

Much like another organization of their equivalent combat prowess, amirite? Or was that the Sand People? It's been so long. I need to rewatch Star Wars, but not the shitty remastered versions.

But the eyes that he liked the least were horrible pale bulbous sort of eyes. “Insect eyes,” he thought, “not animal eyes, only they are much too big.”

I wonder if Middle Earth had a lot more oxygen in the atmosphere to support such abominations or what. Also, there's really not much to mock with this chapter thus far - the building unease and tension is exactly what should be happening and the book's not undercutting it by infodumping or going too far... yet. We'll see if that keeps up in this long chapter.

They tried shooting at the squirrels, and they wasted many arrows before they managed to bring one down on the path. But when they roasted it, it proved horrible to taste, and they shot no more squirrels.

I dunno, hunger is the best sauce. But then, nuts grown in elf water probably don't encourage good meat.

“What’s the good of that? The boat is sure to be tied up, even if we could hook it, which I doubt.”

You know what you guys should be worrying about? Who owns the boat and why they left it here. But you're not going to do that, are you?

“How far away do you think it is?” asked Thorin, for by now they knew Bilbo had the sharpest eyes among them.

Note again that Bilbo is the real MVP. Thorin retains usefulness mostly by delegating effectively.

“Dori is the strongest, but Fili is the youngest and still has the best sight,” said Thorin.

Is this the first time that Fili isn't mentioned alongside Kili?

“I’m always last and I don’t like it,” said Bombur. “It’s somebody else’s turn today.” “You should not be so fat. As you are, you must be with the last and lightest boatload. Don’t start grumbling against orders, or something bad will happen to you.”

Fuck off Tolkien.

“That was a good pull, my lads; and a good job that our rope was the stronger.”

Stronger than elven rope? It seems impossible.

Thorin was the only one who had kept his feet and his wits. As soon as they had landed he had bent his bow and fitted an arrow in case any hidden guardian of the boat appeared. Now he sent a swift and sure shot into the leaping beast.

Okay boys, we know y'all have fairy tales, so why are you being dumb and shooting sacred forest guardians? This never ends well for the shooter.

They were still standing over him, cursing their ill luck, and Bombur’s clumsiness, and lamenting the loss of the boat which made it impossible for them to go back and look for the hart, when they became aware of the dim blowing of horns in the wood and the sound as of dogs baying far off.

Okay point of order, Bombur wasn't clumsy, he was nearly jumped by the hart. Also look at that, the consequences of their actions are showing up.

“Stop! stop!” shouted Thorin; but it was too late, the excited dwarves had wasted their last arrows, and now the bows that Beorn had given them were useless.

Note that Bombur, who is unconscious, did not participate in this stupidity.

Of course “somebody” meant Bilbo.

I hope these dwarves are ashamed of how useless they've been so far. Crew coulda just sent Bilbo and an atlas and the story would only be different in the sense that he would have made fewer enemies along the way.

They did not care tuppence about the butterflies, and were only made more angry when he told them of the beautiful breeze, which they were too heavy to climb up and feel.

The dwarves are also against good environmental description, which is a shame because this chapter has it in spades, though it is starting to drag just a little.

“I was having such beautiful dreams. I dreamed I was walking in a forest rather like this one, only lit with torches on the trees and lamps swinging from the branches and fires burning on the ground; and there was a great feast going on, going on for ever. A woodland king was there with a crown of leaves, and there was a merry singing, and I could not count or describe the things there were to eat and drink.”

I wonder how much of this magic Tolkien intended to be kind of real in some way, as if Bombur's presence really was with the woodland king, and how much was just foreshadowing. It's too fairy tale to fit the overall world, but it seems like it should mean something.

This they did all that day, going very slowly and wearily; while Bombur kept on wailing that his legs would not carry him and that he wanted to lie down and sleep.

On the one hand, this only happened to Bombur because Tolkien hates him for being fat. On the other hand, it's extremely annoying. I'm not sure how to adjust my Bombur rankings as a result.

No sooner had the first stepped into the clearing than all the lights went out as if by magic.

Mirkwood elves are somehow even more dickish than the Rivendell kind. I see right away why dwarves aren't remotely fond of them.

“I was having such a lovely dream,” he grumbled, “all about having a most gorgeous dinner.”

Interesting that he passes out when it's just him but the feast disappears altogether when it's the group. Is Bilbo more welcome to the feast because he's not a dwarf? But then why let Bombur dream about the party at all?

But the cries of the others got steadily further and fainter, and though after a while it seemed to him they changed to yells and cries for help in the far distance, all noise at last died right away, and he was left alone in complete silence and darkness.

Is this a punishment for bringing the dwarves along? Poor hungry dwarves thinking that the third try would be any different. They should have just tried to eat more squirrels instead, except of course they wasted all their arrows like scrubs.

So he sat himself down with his back to a tree, and not for the last time fell to thinking of his far-distant hobbit-hole with its beautiful pantries.

Keep your eyes open folks, we gotta find that last time!

He beat the creature off with his hands—it was trying to poison him to keep him quiet, as small spiders do to flies—until he remembered his sword and drew it out.

Don't know why anyone would want to read about competent heroes when Bilbo's exploits are so much funnier.

Bilbo came at it before it could disappear and stuck it with his sword right in the eyes.

He must have been aiming for something else based on his track record.

“I will give you a name,” he said to it, “and I shall call you Sting.”

And now that Sting has a name we can officially make it the competent member of the party! But also, Bilbo totally earned this.

“O! why did we not remember Beorn’s advice, and Gandalf’s!”

Because you were pretty much starving. I'd give you shit for it in literally any other circumstance Bilbo, but not that one.

Their voices were a sort of thin creaking and hissing, but he could make out many of the words that they said.

So Wargs have their own language even though they're allied with speakers of the common tongue, but Spiders, who presumably have no allies whatsoever, are perfectly understandable to Hobbits? It's another fairy tale moment in the story.

To the fattest of these bundles the spider went—“It is poor old Bombur, I’ll bet,” thought Bilbo—and nipped hard at the nose that stuck out. There was a muffled yelp inside, and a toe shot up and kicked the spider straight and hard. There was life in Bombur still.

One of the advantages to size is that it takes more to dose a fella, so points to Bombur!

Bilbo was a pretty fair shot with a stone, and it did not take him long to find a nice smooth egg-shaped one that fitted his hand cosily. As a boy he used to practise throwing stones at things, until rabbits and squirrels, and even birds, got out of his way as quick as lightning if they saw him stoop; and even grownup he had still spent a deal of his time at quoits, dart-throwing, shooting at the wand, bowls, ninepins and other quiet games of the aiming and throwing sort—indeed he could do lots of things, besides blowing smoke-rings, asking riddles and cooking, that I haven’t had time to tell you about.

Props to Tolkien for explaining why the genteel Bilbo can throw but not climb or swim. Feels a bit like a D&D player trying to justify an odd stat spread too, so that's another thing Gygax stole.

Not very good perhaps, but then you must remember that he had to make it up himself, on the spur of a very awkward moment.

He did better than the elves, who clearly made up a song in the spur of a moment that wouldn't have been awkward if they'd kept their mouths shut.

The spiders saw the sword, though I don’t suppose they knew what it was, and at once the whole lot of them came hurrying after the hobbit along the ground and the branches, hairy legs waving, nippers and spinners snapping, eyes popping, full of froth and rage.

First of all if I have to read this spider description, you do too. But second of all, how often does the ring fail to cover accessories and weaponry going forward? I don't know that Frodo gets very stabby in stealth mode but I'm not sure. On the other hand, this follows the same principle as the Nazgul where you have to have a foot in the material world to be able to affect the material world (otherwise they'd just wander around invisibly stabbing everything that looked like it might thwart Sauron's plans).

“Most likely Fili,” he thought by the tip of a long nose poking out of the winding threads.

Poor Kili will never be his own person, will he? (The sentence two paragraphs from now doesn't count.)

Suddenly Bilbo noticed that some of the spiders had gathered round old Bombur on the floor, and had tied him up again and were dragging him away.

It just sucks to be Bombur. Poor guy.

There they were at last, twelve of them counting poor old Bombur, who was being propped up on either side by his cousin Bifur, and his brother Bofur; and Bilbo was dancing about and waving his Sting; and hundreds of angry spiders were goggling at them all round and about and above. It looked pretty hopeless.

Shouldn't there be fourteen, since the whole point of adding Bilbo to the party was to AVOID 13? Who is missing? (It's Thorin, though sadly the narrative doesn't quite mention every other dwarf before they realize what's up.)

“I am going to disappear,” he said.

Dammit Bilbo, this is no time to emulate Gand- Oh right you mean the ring. Heh. It would be funny if Gandalf's ring made him invisible too and instead of ditching the party all the time he was actually just chilling, blowing air-colored smoke rings and laughing quietly.

Balin in particular insisted on having the Gollum story, riddles and all, told all over again, with the ring in its proper place.

Which let Bilbo really enforce his bullshit lies, I suppose. Shame Gandalf wasn't present to call him out.

All except Balin. Long after the others had stopped talking and shut their eyes, he kept on muttering and chuckling to himself.

Balin retains his best dwarf status for finding his getting bested like this absolutely hilarious.

All of a sudden Dwalin opened an eye, and looked round at them. “Where is Thorin?” he asked.

Ah yes here we go, that's why there's 12. Little jerks should respect their king!

All this was well known to every dwarf, though Thorin’s family had had nothing to do with the old quarrel I have spoken of. Consequently Thorin was angry at their treatment of him, when they took their spell off him and he came to his senses; and also he was determined that no word of gold or jewels should be dragged out of him.

Tolkien says the Wood-Elves aren't wicked and then talks about how thousands of years ago they tried to steal honest laborers out of their pay and got pissy when the laborers took it. Now they're still upset and blame all dwarves, even Thorin, though he had nothing to do with this justice. I'm not sure Tolkien knows what wickedness is.

“But what brought you into the forest at all?” asked the king angrily. At that Thorin shut his mouth and would not say another word.

Thorin shoulda just said Gandalf.

There in the king’s dungeon poor Thorin lay; and after he had got over his thankfulness for bread and meat and water, he began to wonder what had become of his unfortunate friends. It was not very long before he discovered; but that belongs to the next chapter and the beginning of another adventure in which the hobbit again showed his usefulness.

And here's the end of another chapter, one of the longest in the books. The spider fights (the latter of which I didn't quote much as it's just tense and exciting) and general horror of the forest are quite nice, so overall I appprove after the last couple of weaker chapters, but I do think there could have been a little trimming here and there. We're more than halfway through now though, and the chapters really get smaller, so expect that tension to really bubble up.

[court-of-the-crimson-pawn]

Me without a crush on anyone a week ago: oh Valentine’s Day is coming up soon, that’s kinda neat I guess

Me, a complete mess, suddenly having a crush on someone: oh fuck, I have to act natural on fucking Valentine’s Day

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

I'm back again (what a surprise lol), if you feel up to it would you mind writing hcs for Jean with the letters Q,T, Y & Z? If that's too much please feel free to take a letter or two off! Tysm 💖

Haha, no worries!! I could gush about Jeanne all day, I really loved writing these!! 💕💕💕 Under a cut because of length (we all know I’m a verbose thot 😂😂😂):

Fluffy ABC headcanons listed here for requests!

Q = Quality Time (how does he like to spend time with her?) 

Jeanne loves to do anything MC wants to do (within reason). Any amount of time with her anywhere fills him with bliss. (The heartbreaking alternative to this is that, while he understands they both have things to do that require them to be apart during the day, he misses her presence dearly.)

She wants to bake? He will sit there in the most embarrassing apron and chef hat known to man, and he won’t give a single fuck as long as MC is genuinely delighted and having a marvelous time. In a meadow overflowing with flowers? He’d enjoy the atmosphere alone, but the feeling is just multiplied a thousand-fold at the sight of MC weaving little flower crowns. She places one on his head and excitedly tries to show him how to make one himself, and he just smiles fondly. She wears the crown he makes no matter his lack of skill for the delicate task, and her insistence fills him with such unabating warmth. He struggles to do more mundane tasks and doesn’t really understand where all her energy comes from sometimes, but even so it brings him endless amounts of joy. Will escort her anywhere she wants to go without a single complaint; theater? You got it. Concert? Sure. Watching paint dry? Sick, time to get out the sword polish and chill. (It’s like Netflix and chill, only worse.)

The only places he will ever hesitate to bring her are places that are potentially dangerous; let’s say the black market, or the local casino, Vlad’s castle, etc. etc. He doesn’t like to expose her to unnecessary risks, but he also won’t stop her if she has a good reason/really wants to go. He’ll just glare at every potential threat and stick to her side like glue.

His personal favorite way to spend time though is in settings where they have quiet and privacy, where it’s just the two of them. Whether they’re in the gorgeous field full of lilies behind the mansion or cuddling in their bedroom, he is at his most comfortable and content wherever she is in his arms and they are left alone. (Let it be known that he doesn’t hate others, he just can’t help that he finds larger groups of people exhausting to keep up with--and he’s always on guard to ensure MC’s safety.)

T = Time (how long did it take them to get together?)

(I’m going to preface this by saying: I’m well aware that ikevamp speeds things up but I tend to see that as a narrative necessity; I think a lot of the men would work up to their romance more slowly, ideally.)

With Jeanne it’s a little funny because he develops affection/intrigue for people fast, so it’s fairly obvious when he starts crushing on MC. (I can’t stress enough, Sebas and Mozart are BOTH lenny face from like the first fucking day, it’s the funniest thing in the world. ANYWAY--). He’s similar to Leonardo in that way; there are certain qualities he inherently finds appealing, so he naturally gravitates to people that reflect them. However, a more abiding love--the desire to form a romantic bond with someone--takes more time for him. He and Sebastian share this quality (ISXJ amirite); they fall more and more deeply in love with the person they cherish as they form consistently pleasant memories in their proximity. More than anything, these two stoic characters need somebody that makes them feel safe, appreciated, and profoundly seen.

Her relentless desire to reach others in a positive way is the first thing that attracts Jeanne’s attention, but otherwise he is absolutely a slow burn when it comes to being committed to another person. He needs time to fall in love with all the little parts of his MC (all of which he finds endearing uwu), to develop trust and see that his MC can handle him, too. He knows he’s...a lot...so he can’t really be comfortably intimate without having the other person see the best and worst of him. If MC can face his past with sensitivity and earnest concern--without being overwhelmed--then he will well and truly be a goner for them. That’s the thing about Jeanne: he needs time to feel comfortable with his decision, but when he has decided he’s one of the most devoted lovers in existence. 

Given his necessity for security, he needs somebody who can see him at his most vulnerable without panicking and gently bring him back to himself--someone who doesn’t mind his wooden nature and difficulty expressing himself. I would say getting together would take at least a year and a half, at minimum. He needs somebody that, for all of his reticence and power, recognizes that he means absolutely no harm to anyone so long as they aren’t hurting him or anyone else. Under normal circumstances (rather than expedited ones), I imagine those difficult topics wouldn’t come up that quickly.

If we’re talking together as in hanky panky, I think it would take him a little while beyond that--but that would depend on his partner, too. If she needs time or doesn’t want it at all, he will wait any length of time or not engage at all. If she’s more desirous, he will engage faster and with more frequency. He likes being intimate and close to her, but would never insist on it if it made her unhappy. 

Y = Yes (how would he propose to her?)

When it comes to Jeanne, I think his proposal would be simple, direct, and entirely expected--but no less heartfelt and deeply romantic. He’s a man of few words, but whatever he lacks in eloquence he makes up for in charged brevity. He doesn’t much understand the social conventions/expectations tied to marriage in this era (and he does not listen to Comte either) so I imagine it comes to him naturally in the course of being with her.

It’s a few years into their relationship, and he’s smiling because she’s dazzling--whether it’s humming in the garden, or staring at the stars, or curled up close to his heart in his shared room; he just knows. Whether it’s a sin, or unconventional, or something he doesn’t deserve--none of those things are strong enough to deter him anymore. He wants to be the one that she turns to always when in need, wants to protect everything that she is--a sweet beacon in a world where he knows how easily that kind of brave light is snuffed out. Honestly more than anything, she just makes him feel like it’s okay to hope again, that it’s okay to want good things for himself and the future. He was a soldier once branded a traitor, but that isn’t who he has to be anymore. Now he has a choice; he’s free to move forward however he wishes. She taught him that.

“MC?” 

Bright eyes turn to him, smooth skin glowing in the moonlight beside him. She’s beautiful; he doesn’t think any amount of time will ever be enough to fully appreciate the blessing of her existence. As if she could hear his thoughts, she encourages him to share. She was always like that, always so perceptive and patient, no matter how much he struggled to articulate something. He much preferred the sound of her voice over his any day. “Is something on your mind, love? Something good happen today?”

He was fully aware he had none of the wit or charm that other men possessed, and while he wished he could be that for her--it simply wasn’t within his capabilities. So he used the words he understood best, following his direct nature: “Will you marry me?”

Her eyes widen a little, but the surprise is muted; it was more a matter of time than anything else. Even so her eyes glisten, and before he can try to calm her (her tears dissolved all his good sense, sent his heart into chaos), her arms are tight around him. He can hear her heart racing, even faster than his own.

“Of course I will! Yes, Jeanne!”

He’d hoped she wouldn’t hate the idea but her excitement, the tenderness that lingers in the way she cradles him close, makes him smile against her shoulder. His arms tighten around her, and he renews his vow to be her sword--the one and only man to protect her until the end of their days. (Yes, Mozart later drags his ass to the jeweler’s to get a proper ring 😂😂😂)

Z = Zen (what makes him feel calm?)

There are very few things in this life that bring Jeanne peace, but I think the highest things on that list would be MC’s voice/presence in general and his little babie Cherie (bonus points if the two are playing together, he just melts Mon Dieu 😭💖💖💖 ). 

He’ll often ask MC to read to him, if she’s so inclined, when his literacy improves. He loves the soft sound of her voice, and he wants to keep improving on his ability to communicate with more clarity. It makes her so happy when he leaves her coherent notes and manages to convey his thoughts with greater accuracy, so it really motivates him to keep striving. He likes it even better when she gets really into a reading, doing silly voices or changing the dynamics of her voice to fit the piece’s mood. It makes him smile; so excitable and cute. Though alternatively, she could be reading the phone book for all he cares; it’s enough to soothe him right to sleep. Sometimes--and especially when he’s had bad nightmares, retraumatizations, or when he’s overstimulated--she’ll fit him gently in her lap and just talk until he falls asleep. She’ll sing, read, talk about things they’re looking forward to, talk about things she needs to do tomorrow, talk about silly shenanigans that happened in the mansion recently; anything that will bring him back to her and her love. It really works to center him, to situate him back in the present moment instead of rattling around in his own head.

It’s honestly much like the sea and the shore, though there may be tides--the water recedes and surges--she will always be there to meet him.

Cherie is his baby girl and such a sweet kitty that he can’t help but smile whenever she bounds over to him. A little ball of energy, he’s always getting her toys, toting her around, and petting her gently. Whenever Cherie and MC are together in front of him, his heart about explodes from the uwus of it all; they’re his most cherished ones, and he loves to see them get along. MC will usually be giggling and cooing at the pretty tiger, and Cherie soaks up the affection with obvious glee. Just watching them is enough to make his heart so light--he can’t think of anything else that makes him relax down to the marrow.

He will also find a lot of calm after lovemaking, which is something that surprises him--something he never expected. Jeanne has a hard time connecting with other people; not because he doesn’t care, but because emoting in conventional ways can be a challenge for him. He doesn’t have He Who Must Not Be Named’s charm, he doesn’t have Napoleon’s easy confidence, he doesn’t effuse Vincent’s natural warmth. He’s aware of how little he emits tangible humanity according to the perceptions of others. It leads to him feeling isolated everywhere he goes, even if people don’t particularly dislike him. Even so, his MC knows that for all his struggle to express himself, he possesses a deep, fiery wealth of emotion and passionate feeling. He cherishes her willingness be vulnerable alongside him; to embrace the good and the difficult parts of him in stride. He is left awestruck by the extent of her fervor and loving heart every single time, and in the aftermath he finds himself at such startling peace with his existence. No pain, no hollowing loneliness, no guilt, no intrusive thoughts--just her warm body against his, so trusting--as she sleeps. He’s grounded in the moment, he feels tethered to her, and he doesn’t know how to handle the full feeling in his chest, the way his heart feels too many sizes too big. He spends many nights adjusting to that feeling of fulfillment, reveling in this new boon--among the dozens she’s already given him. Will wonders never cease?

[lyricaldissonance]

Me: *does something to improve myself, is feeling optimistic*

My Brain: You're trash and it's cute you're trying to pretend to be likeable. These people are only being nice to you because they don't know how bad you suck yet. You're going to fuck this up the same way you ruin every good thing you've ever had, because you're a miserable failure who is only likeable when you're trying to act like you're a person capable of consistently maintaining competence and decency for any real length of time. And the reason why you can't is because you really aren't either of those things because otherwise it wouldn't take all of your effort just to be fucking normal and exist without constantly burdening everyone around you.

Mental illness is so cool, wow

But yeah, the reason why I avoid employment is because I'm lazy, not because I view it as a painful reminder of my inability to function in society unless I go so hard I break out in hives every day and lose the will to live even when my job isn't the hardest or most stressful and I still can barely pay my bills. Because apparently being a baseline functional person is so stressful that it takes everything I have, and that just further drives home the point that I'm weak and disgusting and useless and maybe people who find existing so hard shouldn't exist at all.

Hahahahahahahaha

I love my new job and everyone seems to genuinely like me but I'm so scared of fucking things up that it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I literally don't know how to not feel like an imposter. At least 70% of my stress could be relieved if I wasn't poor and in debt because of my own mania and impulsivity and unable to do anything about it or willing to ask for help because my mom gave me 3k and I still did this shit to myself AGAIN and I can't even tell you how or why, and I'm just so ashamed at this point that I can't ask for help and it's never going to get better. It's no one's fault but my own but I can't fix it and I've been treading water for years and I'm just tired. But I can't help myself because I can't ever repay someone else so I refuse to ask for outside assistance because I already live in a constant cycle of self-perpetuating guilt that feeling even more indebted to others isn't helpful.

Being "smart" fucking sucks unless you hit the nature/nurture lottery. Like wow, how cool it is I can write this little post exploring my diseased mental state, but it 0 percent helps me to feel better or enacts any kind of directly helpful changes, so self awareness can suck my dick. I'm just another someone with an emotionally toxic upbringing who grew into an emotionally stunted adult with a poor sense of self worth who may've won a junior high spelling bee once or written a story that other tasteless rubes liked. I'm not special and now I sure as hell never will be.

What is even the fucking point. Sometimes I wish I were suicidal or more of a moron who isn't regretting the egregiously offensive former half of this sentence. Intelligence is honestly a burden to me sometimes and it's so fucking sad because sometimes I really like myself and think I'm a good person but I'm not good at making money and I guess that's all that matters.

It's funny that my life went downhill after I tried to go to college. 5 years of savings evaporated before my eyes in a single semester of formal education that has yet to give me any material benefit in life, and all of the elders who blew sunshine up my "gifted" ass who told me higher education was my golden ticket shut the fuck up real fast, and also blamed everything on my lack of dedication.

I just feel robbed. And I'm "mature" enough to know that assigning blame won't solve anything. But I've had this destructive thought process/manner of coping with things for so long that, in the absence of any healthy reinforcement that no one owes me (and that I absolutely am too proud to ask for because, well, see aforementioned), I don't know how to proceed. I'm tired of compartmentalizing myself, but time and again, I've been shown that attempting to be seen is even more dangerous because you usually just make yourself vulnerable to people who then deliberately misunderstand you and try to make it your fault or act like you tricked them. As if pretending to be an untroubled, likeable person is a more malicious act than the messy atrocity that is your real personality that. . . Oh yeah, immediately just makes you "crazy" and even more unlikeable.

The one thing I learned from my childhood is that keeping the fragile peace was paramount, even if it was at the expense of denying the truth, because poking holes through someone else's carefully constructed reality was of more concern than the people who were hurt by their actions. Addict Stan 101, amirite? A family intervention was actually staged against me about how I should care less regarding my dad's drinking and the resulting emotional abuse because it was selfish to make it "all about me".

So now I view myself as the discarded piece of beach trash I was raised to. I guess everyone just assumes value is inherent, when you don't know to care about it until someone makes you aware based on their own biased set of metrics. I'm intelligence with no purpose, because my diseased brain and developmentally stunted ass couldn't hack the one advantage I was given to my own advantage. I'm literally a masturbatory fantasy.

All the people who raised me are flawed human beings with their own demons who really didn't mean it. But I can still be impotently mad. I didn't ask to be brought into this world.

Something was wrong with me. A really common, explainable thing, as it turns out. But of course, smart girls don't have problems. Mental illness is for parodical freaks tied up in straightjackets. There are starving kids in Africa. Do you really have it that bad?

So I learned to conflate my own personality and sense of self with my neurodivergence and now I'm 30 and I have such a tenuous sense of self-confidence that I literally just cosplay whatever version of me people like best from a capitalist perspective.

Haha jk. Sike, I'm a hyperemotional reactive and I will go off for everything, nothing, and all inbetween, even though I'm very chill and the things that set me off are on no one's radar. Just usually not in a way you can immortalize on TikTok. I used to apologize for having an emotional response, because I used to prize myself on being a robot, but as it turns out, I'm just a big stupid tsundere and no one cares how tough you look if the only person you're hurting is yourself.

I lost touch with the narrative.

Apparently I wrote this while wine drunk. Hm.

It's weird how suddenly I can turn to self loathing when I feel like things are getting better and I'm doing ok. I'm just starting to ignore things again and I don't want to let it spiral out of control again. I'm so feckless that I'm not sure how I manage to survive as an adult sometimes.

[jjkfire]

Sweet Saccharine; pt.4

Reader x Jungkook // sugardaddy!AU // 14.5k words

Summary: Trying your best to stay afloat in a ruthless city, you decide to join the sugar bowl. Who knew the sugar baby business would be this exciting?

Genre: Fluff?

A/N: here we are! a year later lmaooo but !!! better late than never amirite? sigh sorry for the wait ): i should really get into the habit of pre-writing my fics. anyway, i hope you guys like it! tis the reveal of the hooded man hehe. also never drink and drive pleaseee.

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 *tumblr still hasn’t fixed the link thing, sorry!*

Previously...

His plan was really beginning to fall into place and it was all because of… you. Oh little Y/N has come so so far, he smiles but you still had a long way to go, still so much to do but it was only a matter of time before he would stand from afar and watch everything crumble around the Jeons, your very existence the sole thing he needed to kick-start complete chaos.

“Why?” You groan. “Why would you let me do something as stupid as that?”

“Listen, I tried to stop you but—”

“You didn’t try hard enough,” You grumble, head in your hands.

“If it’s any consolation, he didn’t seem too bothered by it.”

“This is your fault,” You huff. “I told you I didn’t want to go drinking but you insisted that I—”

“Oh, don’t you dare blame this on me.” Wendy wags her finger at you. “I said we should go drinking, yes, but it’s not my fault you decided to drink up half the bar.”

You let out a whine, letting your head thud against the table as you grumble to yourself.

“Anyway so, for your sake I pretended like the logistics conference bullshit story the two of you fed me last night was the truth, but come on, tell me… how’d you meet him?” She questions, prodding at your cheek.

“Well, a uhh, a c-conference.”

“Honestly Y/N, you expect me to believe that?”

“Okay, fine,” You sigh, shrinking away as she gives you a pointed look. “It wasn’t a logistics conference, but it was a conference…”

“Oh, don’t tell me it was comic-con or someth—”

“Hey, comic-con is cool,” You frown. “And so what if that’s where we met?”

She simply rolls her eyes at that before she squints at you, the gears turning in her head, a moment of realization dawning on her.

“No, no that’s not where you met him,” She murmurs. “You were busy during comic-con… you wouldn’t stop bitching about how you were going to miss it.”

“N-no, I went! I uhh took a day off and I—”

“Don’t lie to me. You’d be the last person to get a day off work,” She snips, eyebrows furrowed. “When did you meet him? Why wouldn’t you tell me you know him? Did our days of dreaming of running into him on the street mean nothing to you?”

You laugh at that, shaking your head at her.

“It’s complicated… he’s a secretive person,” You mumble. “Anyway, it hasn’t been too long okay... Maybe 2 or 3 months max. You know I can never hide anything from you for too long anyway.”

Wendy taps her fingers on the table, doing the math in her head. 2 or 3 months meant that it was right in the timeframe of— no way.

“No,” She gasps. “No… don’t tell me you met him at my conference!” She practically screams out the sentence, causing everyone to look at your table.

“N-no, no that’s not where we met!” You lie before you put your index finger to your lips, trying to get Wendy to calm down.

“My god, that’s why you’ve been avoiding all the texts where I try to set you up with potential sugar daddies! You—”

“Not so loud!” You scold before you look around, hoping no one in the café had caught that.

“Okay, so he’s your sugar— fructose father,” She corrects when you smack her hand. “And you didn’t think to tell—”

“Fructose father… honestly Wendy?”

“What? Okay, glucose guardian… or carbohydrate caretaker! Take your pick,” She smiles.

“The term isn’t the problem!” You grumble, burying your head in your hands. “Look can we just drop this?”

“Absolutely not,” She replies. “You bagged the literal whale shark of the industry… y-you’re set for life!”

“Whale sha—?” You shake your head at your friend before you clear your throat. “Listen, you can’t tell anyone… and I mean it okay? I don’t want you to say yes to me and then text your whole friend list seconds after I leave.”

“You have such little faith in me,” She fake sobs, sniffling as she wipes away imaginary tears. “You know anyway, no one would even believe me if I told them. He doesn’t seem like the type of person who would need a sugar baby.”

You nod at that, sipping at your drink, hoping that she would move on to another topic, but you know Wendy and she would milk you off every single drop of information before she leaves you be.

“So, you’re really not going to let me have any details?” She questions as you busy yourself with stirring your drink. “Oh come on! Tell me one thing. At least tell me he’s bad in bed. He can’t have good looks, money and be good in bed. That would be unfair.”

“Seriously? That’s what you want to know?” You snort, shaking your head. “Anyway, I can’t say because we haven’t really… done t-that,” You stammer. “We’re just in a uhh platonic… thing.”

“Please,” She snorts. “I saw you and him getting all handsy last night. Don’t lie.”

“We… we were? Oh my god. How handsy?” You query, worried. “H-he won’t fire me… will he?”

“Not with the way he was looking at you he won’t.”

“Wendy, I’m serious,” You wail, groaning inwardly. “We’re supposed to be just friends, okay?”

“And how are you doing with that? You’ve loved him ever since I’ve known you.”

“That’s not true,” You mumble, looking away. “I was uhh, enamoured by him, yes, but… that’s like you know, my daydream version of him. That’s not him, him. I can separate fact from fiction, okay?”

“Okay, sure,” She smirks. “Just saying, he looks better in person.”

“I know,” You hum, smiling.

Perhaps you like the fact that you can finally tell someone about your whole Jungkook situation… even if technically you’re not supposed to. The whole thing just seemed so crazy to you and being able to tell Wendy about the whirlwind of events that had taken place, feels… nice. The girl could coax anything out of you and as much as you hated to admit it, you loved talking to her about anything and everything. You trusted her with your whole heart and she just always understood you, always laughed at your jokes, no matter how bad they were which you thoroughly appreciated.

You tell her about him from start to end. You tell her about all the places you’ve brought him to, all the trouble you’ve almost gotten him in to and she laughs because whatever friendship or relationship you had with him, it sounded so entirely you. You have a penchant for danger, that Wendy is well aware of considering that she had been subjected to the many adventures you’d taken her on during college.

As you tell story after story, Wendy only grows more worried because you had that look, that smile and it’s one she rarely sees. She’s glad you’re happy, in fact she’d wish for nothing more, but the sugar business has always been misleading like that. One day you think the man you’re with has genuine feelings for you and the next, they drop a big fat cheque in your mailbox with a short letter saying this was fun, but we’re done. Sugar babies like you and her are in abundance thus, essentially, replaceable, expendable. It hurts, having to burst your bubble but if not her then who?

“He’s Jeon Jungkook,” Wendy says as a response to your story, her voice stern and you know what that means but… you wanted her to know that he was more than just his name.

“I know he’s Jeon Jungkook and all of that but, he’s really sweet too… nothing like how they paint him in the media.”

“Careful,” Wendy hums. “You have to remember your place.”

“I know my place,” You snap, before you let out a sigh.

“You know I’m not trying to be mean, right?” Wendy pouts. “It just looks like you sort of… actually like like him even if you’ve been trying to convince me otherwise.”

“Okay, maybe I do… a little… but it’s under control,” You frown, letting your finger idly draw patterns on the table.

“I trust you,” She smiles. “I just thought a reminder wouldn’t hurt. I know I’ve appreciated it every time you gave me one.”

You simply smile at her and nod, a soft thanks leaving your lips to which she crunches her nose at. Wendy always means well, has always been there to look out for you. She protects you with the ferocity of a mother and you’ve never been anything short of grateful for her. Well, except for when she convinces you that a night at the bar is a good idea… you’re not so grateful for her then but otherwise, you are. You know what she means about remembering your place and as much as you hate to admit it, you needed the reminder. Though Jungkook has been nothing but kind and sweet to you, you know that all of this is merely a contractual agreement. Sure, you let yourself get carried away once in a while but you guess you’re allowed to have some fun too. At the end of the day though, you must remember that you and him come from essentially separate worlds and no matter how enticing the idea of you and him being anything more than friends seems, it’s something that can never be.

As you stand outside the café, giving Wendy one last hug before the two of you part ways, you sigh when she reminds you that you should probably call Jungkook soon.

“You better thank him for carrying you up to your apartment too,” She laughs, remembering how mortified you looked when she had told you that it couldn’t possibly be her that got you up to your apartment last night considering that she wasn’t in the car.

“I’m a mess,” You sigh as you rest your forehead on her shoulder.

“It’s going to be fine,” She smiles. “He isn’t going to fire you.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just do,” She winks before she pulls away, waving to you as she walks down the pavement.

You’re not sure what she means by that and although you think the statement had meant to comfort you, ease the nervousness that you feel, it doesn’t. You grumble to yourself as you walk towards your apartment, the sun already beginning to set in the horizon. It’s no surprise to you. Put you and Wendy in the same place and the two of you could talk for hours on end. It’s a wonder how you got any work done in college when the both of you had shared an apartment.

It’s a long walk home and all you do is think of what you’re meant to say. You’re not sure how to start. You had a host of things to apologize for. First, you had to apologize for even calling him down to the bar, then apologize for the fact that he had to drop both you and Wendy home. Oh, and you had to apologize for being handsy too. God, you can’t believe you did that. Wendy said you did it all. That you had slapped his chest teasingly when you were trying to get him to buy shots, that you had cupped his face in your hands when he said no. She said you even placed your hands on his waist… ugh, why did you do that? You’re never touching alcohol again, is what you mumble to yourself over and over again. You can’t believe he even had to carry you up to your apartment. A fool, that’s what you are. You grumble continuously to yourself, garnering weird looks from passing strangers, but you’re too deep in thought to notice any of that. Mortified. You’re mortified at how drunk you has managed to destroy the one good thing you had going for you.

The same thoughts replay over and over again in your head, even after you’ve slipped into the tiny restaurant by the street to grab a hot bowl of noodles. You would think that the food would at least distract you but oh no, not even food can fix this one.

You’re sat in your apartment, phone in your hand, stomach queasy and as much as you would like to blame it on the dinner you just had, you know it has nothing to do with it. You’ve called Jungkook and hung up before the dial tone starts at least 5 times now. You know you have to do it, that there is no avoiding it, but you’re just so nervous. You’re rambling to yourself, playing out the planned conversation in detail when you hear muffled sounds coming from your phone. You look down at your screen, eyes widening before you curse when you realize that you had accidentally called him. Begrudgingly, you press your phone to your ear, groaning inwardly when you hear his voice.

“Hello? Y/N? Say someth—”

“Hi.”

“Hey,” He answers, voice sounding smooth, happy… not mad or uncomfortable. Odd. “Thought you butt dialed me or something,” He laughs.

“Well, yes, sort of but no I mean… I, yeah I don’t know.”

You shut your eyes, warmth flooding your cheeks because you sound like a babbling idiot right now.

“Uhh, right… Well, are you free right now? Because I’m actually a few minutes away from the bridge and I was thinking I could come pick you up for some donuts.”

“Huh? Oh, s-sure.”

“Great, I’ll see you in a few!”

He must’ve been lying because he reaches your house far too soon or perhaps you hadn’t realized you had spent all those minutes playing out 15 different conversations in your head.

For the most part, the car ride isn’t awkward but that’s only because you weren’t given a chance to speak. Someone had called him on his phone, moments after you had said hi to him and the conversation lasted all the way till you reached the destination. He gestures for you to go ahead of him when he parks his car near the usual hangout spot. In all honesty, you’re glad whoever it is that called him had decided to discuss business matters at such an odd hour. If he didn’t, who knows what would have transpired in the car. You can’t run away forever though because now you’re here, seated on the bench next to Jungkook with twice the usual number of donuts in your hand.

“I guess you’re really in the mood for donuts tonight huh?” Jungkook laughs, peering into the brown paper bag that holds his favourite snack. You only nod, still trying to arrange your thoughts.

“How’s that hangover you’re nursing? Did you sleep well?” He questions, nonchalant as he munches on his donut.

“It’s uh, alright and y-yes I did…” You mumble, eyes downcast as your fingers tug at your earlobe nervously.

“Hey, it’s nothing to be shy about. We all have nights like that,” He smiles, using the back of his hand to wipe off the powdered sugar on his lips.

There’s an uncomfortable silence that hangs in the air and it makes Jungkook feel like he’s done something wrong. His mind starts working at a hundred miles per minute. Does being around him make you feel uncomfortable now? Was it the cuddling that had put you off? Well… you couldn’t really blame him for that. You were the one that had wrapped yourself around him first. Granted, he knew you were drunk. Damn it. He’s a dick, he frowns. He didn’t really mean to take advantage of the situation like that but he couldn’t help that it felt… nice to be in your arms. I-If you hadn’t put your arms around him, he would’ve let you be. See, he’s a good guy. He had nothing to worry about, he hums. But then again, he did kiss you on the cheek... multiple times. Ah, this was starting to look bad. He wants you to know he meant it in the most innocent way possible. You just looked adorable in your sleep and… and and there’s just all of these feelings he has that he’s still trying to properly map out but at the time it just seemed like a good idea. His lips are parted, an apology just at the tip of his tongue, but you’re speaking before he can get anything out.

“I’m— it’s… umm… I’m sorry I called you yesterday. I-I shouldn’t have and I caused you all of that trouble and I just—” You hesitate, forcing yourself to look at him, eyebrows knit together. “Please don’t fire me. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“Fire you? Why would I— I’m not going to fire you,” He laughs. “Where did you get that idea?”

“I mean wasn’t what I did yesterday sort of a breach of the contract? You wanted all of this to be on the down low but then I called, and I basically forced you to come down to the bar and—”

“You didn’t force me to do anything.”

“I know but it was… unprofessional of me to do what I did and you had to carry me up to my apartment too,” You frown, fingers playing with the hem of your shirt. “N-Not that I actually remember that… Wendy had to refresh my memory because the last thing I honestly remember is seeing you walk into the bar and even that part is foggy at best. Ugh, I’m so sorry. This… this rarely happens and I’m just… I’m so sorry.”

You don’t remember anything… He’s in the clear for now, he guesses.

“Y/N, relax,” He tips your chin up so you’d look at him, offering you a soft smile. “What are friends for if they don’t drive halfway across town to pick you up drunk from a bar? You’d do the same for me, wouldn’t you?”

“I doubt you would want your posse to see me,” You laugh. “But, if I had a car, yes, I would.”

Jungkook frowns at your first statement. Why would you think that at all? He knows he makes it seem like he doesn’t want to be seen with you in public sometimes but that’s not really what it’s like. He didn’t know how to say it but more than anything, he’s concerned for your safety. He could handle the rumours, handle the press and well, even his mother’s wrath but you on the other hand, it would be cruel to subject you to all of that. He means to say all of that to you but when he peers over at you, you have this expression that mimics fear because—

“Oh y-you’re frowning… was that a test?” You ask, gulping. “Was I supposed to say no because then no I wouldn’t—"

“No, no,” He snorts, waving his hands. “No, it wasn’t a test. It’s— Look, it’s all good. You shouldn’t even have to apologize about yesterday.”

“Okay… but I’m still sorry,” You mumble, pouting as you tap your feet at the ground at an uneven rhythm.

He sighs, shaking his head at you as he grins. Why and how are you so adorable all the damn time?

“You know you and I should go out for drinks sometime,” He smiles. “You should show me how you guys live it up here in the South. Seems to be a lot more fun than the North judging by the state you were in yesterday.”

“Even after what you saw yesterday you actually still want to go out drinking with me? Are you a masochist?” You laugh.

“I happen to think you’re quite fun when you’re drunk. Slurring and babbling,” He hums. “Plus you talk with this perpetual pout because you think it’ll get you whatever you want.”

“I don’t do that,” You grumble.

“You do.”

“Do not.”

“Well, I’ll record it for you when we go drinking.”

“Fine.”

It’s an opportunity that never presents itself because it’s been a week since he’s last seen you. You say you’re busy with work and he understands that because you work two jobs after all. Jungkook’s not really the clingy type but he… misses you. He wonders if perhaps you were lying, that maybe you do remember the events of that night. Maybe more than that, Jungkook just wants to clear the air because his guilty conscience is eating him alive. Although nothing he did was technically bad as per se but… he still feels it was out of line. 

Perhaps he just needed to rip the band-aid off, just tell you that maybe he sort of kind of likes you and see where things could go? No. What if that freaks you out? He likes your company too much to risk you breaking off the contract but then again… he knows you wouldn’t do that. You needed the money, bad. But… he doesn’t want you to feel forced into staying friends with him. He hates how his mind always goes off on a tangent of its own, making mountains out of molehills. Maybe he just needed to see you to reassure himself that he was just making everything up in his head and that’s why he stops by the convenience store you work at, knowing that you have tonight’s shift. When he steps in however, he sees a young male working at the counter and at that he simply snorts.

Your phone dings and you grumble from your spot on the couch. Swiping at the message on your screen.

[9:31] Jungkook: busy working you say

[9:31] Jungkook: but you’re not at work???

[9:31] Jungkook: [image sent]

Crap. You groan when you see the image. It’s a picture of the convenience store counter, the worker at the register looking a little confused.

[9:33] You: …

[9:33] You: omg are you stalking me?

Oh damn… Jungkook just realizes how creepy this actually seems. He didn’t really think this through, he mumbles to himself as he slurps the instant ramen he just got for himself.

[9:33] Jungkook: wait what? no!

[9:33] Jungkook: I was just in the area

[9:33] You: hmm suspicious but ok sure

[9:33] You: anyway sigh fine you got me

[9:33] You: im not at work because im sick

 He frowns at that, wondering why you would lie and say you were busy instead.

 [9:34] Jungkook: so that’s why we haven’t been hanging out?

[9:34] Jungkook: lol why didn’t you just say so

[9:34] Jungkook: how bad is it

[9:34] Jungkook: did you go see the doctor?

 [9:34] You: ah yeah it’s just the flu

Jungkook hums at that, finishing the remainder of his meal before pocketing his phone to move towards the hot food section of the store to get a bowl of warm soup to go.

The pain in your abdomen hasn’t subsided and your body feels like it’s on fire. You haven’t been able to keep anything down at all today and you wonder if it’s the funky tasting egg sandwich you had for lunch two days ago that’s making you feel like this. You’d go to work if you could… you really can’t afford to take the day off, but you can hardly move. You’ve made your couch your bed for the past two days because from this spot you can crawl to the front door to open it when your food gets delivered. Speaking of, the delivery boy should have been here at least half an hour ago, but you don’t mind, you’re not that hungry anyway. Though you don’t really feel like eating, you know you should. You wonder what the point is though. You’ve barely digested it before you find yourself hugging the toilet bowl, retching out the contents of your stomach.

*Ding Dong*

“Coming,” You answer weakly, crawling to your door. You can’t stand, not for too long anyway because it feels like you’re being stabbed in your abdomen repeatedly.

You get to the entrance, pulling yourself up by the door knob. Your hand feebly reaches into your pocket for money as you open the door, not even bothering to check who’s on the other side of it.

“Y/N,” Jungkook smiles. “I come bearing gifts!”

“J-Jungkook, what—”

You don’t even get to finish your sentence, he’s already stepping in your apartment, rushing you to the couch.

“Just rest,” He mumbles. “I was close by so I thought I should bring you some soup.”

“You didn’t really have to,” You murmur, watching him set the plastic bag down on your coffee table.

“Well, what are friends for if— Y/N?”

You’re running to the washroom, throwing the door open before squatting by the toilet bowl as you heave out water and bile, having already thrown up your lunch much earlier in the day.

“Are you okay?” Jungkook questions, rushing to pat your back.

You nod, breathing heavily as your hold your abdomen in pain. Curse the stupid egg sandwich. You’re never eating one again.

“You said you had the flu,” Jungkook grumbles. “This isn’t the flu.”

“It is. It’s the stomach flu.”

He rolls his eyes at that and you scowl.

“It’s real, okay? It’s a thing.”

“Did you even go to the doctor’s?”

You mumble something under your breath, flushing the toilet before you move away from him to crawl back to the couch.

“Well, did you?” He questions again as he tries to pick you up, but you push his hands away, getting onto the couch on your own.

“No.”

“Why not?”

You refuse to give him an answer, trying to reach for the soup instead.

“We’re going right now,” He says, moving to pack up the food on the table.

“You’re overreacting,” You sigh. “It’s not as bad as it looks, okay? It’ll go away in a few days.”

“You can barely stand, you’re vomiting and you have a fever,” He mumbles, touching your forehead. “It’s bad and we should get you to a doctor.”

“No.”

“Why not? Are you afraid of doctors? I’ll be there—”

“No.”

“Stop being stubborn,” He frowns.

“I can’t go,” You sigh.

“Can’t or won’t?”

“I-I don’t have insurance,” You mumble.

“You have me,” Jungkook says matter-of-factly. “You don’t need insurance.”

“Jungkook,” You sigh, shaking your head. “No.”

You hate being indebted to someone and especially so to Jungkook. You already had your whole drunken fiasco last week and you can’t let him do this for you. You’re probably the worst sugar baby in the business, you sigh.

“We’re going,” Is all he says as he picks you up, empty plastic bag hanging off his hand.

“No, please,” You beg, attempting to get out of his hold but you’re too weak to fight. You try to squirm, but Jungkook holds you tight, hands secure under your knees and back as he presses at the button in the elevator. God, you’re a mess, you sigh.

Sat in the front seat of his car, Jungkook curses as he looks up directions on his phone.

“Seriously? The closest hospital is in the North?” He questions. “Why isn’t there one in the South?”

“Ask the mayor,” You huff. “He said the South doesn’t need one.”

“Incredulous.” Jungkook shakes his head. “Hold this,” He places the empty plastic bag in your lap before his hand squeezes yours. “I’ll get you there, okay?”

“Okay,” you nod, fiddling with the bag. You’ve never seen Jungkook look so worried and you hate that you’re the reason why. It’s why you had lied to him in the first place because you knew he would do this. You start doing mental math in your head, wondering how long it would take to pay him off. You don’t even know what the ballpark figure is because going to the doctor has always been out of the question for you. It shouldn’t be too much, you hum. Except… it is.

Appendicitis. That’s what they say you have. You’re going to need surgery they say, and you freeze.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes ma’am. There is no alternative.”

“What if I don’t get the appendectomy done?”

“Well, then your appendix might rupture, and septicaemia might occur. Your body could go into septic shock and in the worst-case scenario, death may occur.”

“Oh… How much will it cost again?”

“About thirty-thousand dol—”

“Thirty thous— oh my god. Wait, can you give me a few minutes to think about it?”

“Y/N, this is ridiculous!” Jungkook scolds. “Just get the surgery.”

“I don’t have insurance,” You hiss.

You watch as the faces of the doctor and nurses pale. One of them scans your admission form and frowns at the address written on it, instantly recognizing your postcode.

“Perhaps you would like to transfer to a different hospital then? North Court Hospital just a few minutes from here is a hospital that suits your… kind better.”

It’s not really a question, the way the nurse had said it. It was more like a statement and at that you nod meekly.

“Y-yeah, I think we’ll do tha—”

“It’s illegal for a hospital to refuse treatment to their patients,” Jungkook glowers. “How dare you—”

“The law does not apply to southerners.”

“Jungkook,” You mumble, moving to climb out of the bed. “Let’s not make this a bigger deal than it—”

“This is insane. You know there’s a possibility of death if you don’t treat her and you’re refusing to do so because of where she’s from?” Jungkook growls, fists clenched. “What kind of doctor are you?”

The doctor snorts, shaking his head.

“Listen here, scum. I’d watch that tone if I were you,” He cautions. “All you Southies with your fucking attitude. The fact that any of you think you even deserve our time at all is simply nauseating.”

Jungkook has his fists clenched, his jaw taut and you panic, not wanting to cause any more of a scene than this whole debacle already has.

“No, you listen here, asshole,” Jungkook warns and you tug at his arm to get him to stop but he ignores you. “I’ll be paying for the surgery in full right after it’s over so don’t worry about that. Heck, you can have my credit card right now,” He snaps, digging his card out of his wallet to show it.

Jungkook pulling out his sleek, matte black credit card is almost like something out of a movie and you have to stifle a laugh at the sight. When the nurse reaches out to inspect it, you watch as his face crumples in fear after seeing the name printed on it. One by one, instant regret sweeps across each of their faces and it’s a sight to behold, one you don’t think you’ll ever forget.

“Ah, Mr. Jeon… i-it seems like there has been a uhh misunderstanding,” The doctor mumbles before clearing his throat. “We will attend to her right away.”

“Good,” He hums.

“We will be back to prepare you for the surgery in a second, miss,” One of the nurses addresses you and you nod.

When they leave the room, you laugh despite the pain in your abdomen and Jungkook scowls. You give him three slow claps, shaking your head as if you had seen an Oscar worthy performance.

“That was impressive,” You smile. “Did you see their faces when they saw you pull out your all black limitless card? And then when they saw your name, they looked like they were just about to piss themselves,” You snort, laughing.

“Well, serves them right,” He huffs. “Absolute dickwads.”

“You don’t think the doctor will ‘accidentally’ mess up the surgery and kill me on the table as revenge, do you?”

“Don’t joke like that,” Jungkook frowns and you simply laugh.

“Hey, Jungkook,” You mumble. “I know you got all pissed because of what he was saying to you and in the heat of the moment you said you would pay but… it’s thirty thousand dollars and if you uhh regret what you said—”

“Y/N, you’re getting the surgery. That’s final.”

“O-okay… but I’ll pay you back! By instalments…” You mumble. “It’ll take a while, but I promise—”

“You remember our deal, right? I’m supposed to pay for everything when we’re together.”

“Yes, but that’s different. That’s only when we’re out having a meal or whatever.”

“No, I never stipulated that in the contract.”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be stipulated. It’s common sense,” You sigh. “Jungkook, it’s thirty thousand dollars. It’s not chump change.”

Jungkook sighs fiddling with his phone for a second before he shows you his screen, the PDF of the contract pulled up with one sentence highlighted.

All expenses will be paid for by Jeon Jungkook when both parties are present during an arranged meet-up.

“Yes, exactly my point! It has to be an arranged meet-up!”

“It is an arranged meet-up,” He smiles. “I said we’re going to the doctor’s and you said yes.”

“I didn’t say yes.”

“You did,” He exhales. “In the car I said, I’ll get you there okay? and you said, okay which is the equivalent of a yes. Thus, you agreed to this arranged meet-up.”

“Jungkook, this is ridiculous. I’m not going to let you pay.”

“You know, you never listen to me,” He grumbles. “Actually, you breach this very same rule every time you pay for donuts. So, this is payback.”

“The donuts are worth peanuts compared to this! It doesn’t even come close to a quarter of the bill!” You yell.

“Well, you can keep buying me donuts until you reach the equivalent amount then! That’s your installment plan.”

“It’ll take years!”

“It’s either that or nothing at all.”

“Fine,” You frown, and he smiles patting you on the head before he takes a seat on the chair next to your bed. “But just so you know, this is absolutely ridiculous. This isn’t a meet-up. Aren’t the meet-ups supposed to be date-like activities? That’s what your contract says.”

“Yes, this is a meet-up. I’ve always wanted to have a hospital date,” He smiles. “It’s romantic don’t you think?” He grins, holding your hand in his.

“Now you’re just teasing me,” You grumble, pulling your hand out of his as you sulk. Jungkook simply laughs, looking at you with an endearing smile.

While you scowl at him, the nurses shuffle in to prepare you for the surgery and Jungkook is called out to the counter to address issues with the admission form.

“The patient did not list an emergency contact. Do you know anyone she would like to list? Perhaps her parents or siblings?”

“Umm, I’ll ask her in a moment but for now I’ll just list myself as one of the contacts.”

The nurse nods, handing Jungkook a pen to fill up the section of the form. After filling the details, he gazes at the form looking through the information.

First Name: Y/N

Last Name: Lee

Huh, so that’s your last name… You’ve always avoided telling him what it was, always hiding your identity card from him which he’s always found a little suspicious. You had said that the picture you had on your card was horrible and that your last name was embarrassing, that it didn’t suit you and he never understood what that could possibly mean. What was wrong with the name Lee anyway?

“Excuse me,” Jungkook mumbles, addressing the nurse behind the counter. “Is Lee her official last name?” He asks.

“Yes, the last name given matches the last name on the identity card database,” The nurse answers. “Is there a problem?”

“No, no,” He shakes his head. “I’m just double checking,” He mumbles before he says his thanks and returns to the room.

When Jungkook slips into the room, you’re nodding at the nurses while they tell you that they will be back shortly. As he steps closer to you, he realizes you look visibly shaken and he begins to worry.

“What’s wrong? Did they hurt you? Did they do something to you?”

“No, it’s not that, it’s—”

“Oh, is it the drip?” He says after noticing the tube connected to you. “This is just the way they administer the anaesthesia.”

“No, I mean this is fine, b-but they did something alright.”

“What?”

“Th-they shaved me,” You mumble.

“Shaved you?”

“Shaved my pubes,” You whisper. “Do you think they did it just to make me uncomfortable?”

“What? No,” He laughs. “It’s just standard practice I guess because the incision point is close to the area.”

“Oh, okay,” You murmur. “I’ve never had to do this before okay? I’ve never been to a hospital, I’ve never seen a real doctor. I’m just a little… nervous.”

“Hey, I’m right here,” Jungkook smiles. “You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“You’re here,” You nod, repeating after him and Jungkook finds it oddly adorable.

“Oh, um by the way the nurse asked about your emergency contact section. Do you want to put anyone on there?”

“No…”

“You sure? Maybe you could put your mum’s details down. Just in case anything happens.”

“No, I uhh don’t want to trouble her.”

“Okay, what about your dad?”

It’s a question he asks for selfish reasons. It’s just that you’ve only ever mentioned him in passing... and perhaps that’s because you don’t have very fond memories of him, he assumes.

“No, no no. It’s fine.”

“Alright… you sure? You don’t want anyone on there? Not even Wendy?”

“I mean… it’s a relatively safe procedure, right? Nothing’s going to happen so just leave it blank. I don’t want to trouble anyone.”

“Well, yeah, but every surgery comes with a risk… even if it’s a small one. Anyway, it’s fine. I put my name down,” He smiles. “I’ll be here though so it doesn’t really matter,” He laughs, sinking down onto the chair.

“No, you should go. It’s late and you have to work tomorrow.”

“It’s fine. It’ll be quick anyway… Plus I did say I would pay right after the surgery.”

“I’m sure they won’t mind you paying tomorrow since you’re the Jeon Jungkook after all,” You snort. “Why didn’t you use that line? The ‘do you even know who I am?’ line. It was the perfect chance!”

“I hate that line,” He scrunches his nose. “I don’t really like flaunting my name and well… the power that comes with it, but they were being really shitty.”

“You know I always assumed you had celebrity status in the North. That people would instantly recognise you and bow at you or whatever.”

“No,” He chuckles. “I’m rarely in the news or magazines. My mother has always made sure of that.”

“I guess that’s nice then that you have that anonymity to a certain extent.”

“Yeah, on a day to day basis I guess but if we’re at some high flung gala or event, they almost always know who I am.”

You nod, feeling a little light-headed.

“This thing’s really getting to me,” You mumble, pointing at the drip bag.

“Yeah? Don’t worry, it just means they’ll be wheeling you in soon enough.”

“I’m actually… a little scared,” You admit. “I-I won’t feel anything, right?”

“Wow, you’re okay with gangs, being held at knife point and all of that but you’re scared of this?”

“Shut up,” You mumble.

You don’t tell him but yes, both doctors and surgeries scare you. Always did ever since you were a kid. It was never really a pretty sight whenever you saw a doctor in your home... and the screaming... you shudder every time you think about it.

“I’m here, you big baby. Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine,” He smiles, holding your hand. You hum at that squeezing his hand in return.

Holding your hand shouldn’t be a big deal. The gesture after all is meant to reassure you that you had nothing to worry about. It’s platonic, with no other meaning tied to it but the only thing Jungkook can think of is how naturally your hand fits in his. Of course, it’s technically all in his head because he wouldn’t be able to pick out your hand in a blindfolded test but… it just felt nice. He looks down to where your hands are linked, cherishing the moment when he sees something on your wrist that piques his interest.

Three small dots.

They form a triangle and— oh, your former gang! The Trinity! Jungkook smiles, patting himself on the back mentally because isn’t he a genius for figuring that one out? It’s odd though… didn’t you say the official insignia for your gang was a triangle? Why would you get only 3 dots and why would you hide it from him? He’s never seen it before, he’s pretty sure, but you did have a habit of rubbing your thumb over that spot from time to time. Well, that and tugging at your earlobes whenever you were nervous. It feels like his mind is playing tricks on him because he’s very sure that the tattoo wasn’t there the last time he saw you. He’s not obsessed with your wrist or anything, but he’s seen you rub at that same spot before, many times over and there was always nothing. It was a nervous tic you had, one he had always meant to ask about. It’s a question he would have to reserve for next time because soon enough the nurses are wheeling you off to the operation room. You simply turn to wave at him, smiling as you said see you later. The anaesthesia surely had gotten to you by then. There wasn’t an ounce of fear on your face.

When you awake, there’s a dull ache in your abdomen area but it’s much better than what you had been feeling just a few hours ago. You peek under your gown to find a dressing pad taped to the area and you sigh, wondering if the scar would be noticeable. Turning to your side, you find the chair empty, but you see a little note on your bedside table with a teddy bear next to it.

Y/N,

I waited a while but it didn’t seem like you were going to wake up anytime soon. The doctor says the surgery went well and that you can leave tomorrow. I have an early meeting to get to, so I’ve gone home to get some shut eye. I’m sorry ): I’ll come pick you up after my meeting though! In the meantime, your new friend which I got at the gift store downstairs can keep you company.

P.S: press his hand for some relaxing tunes

You reach for the teddy bear, pressing the paw that’s painted bright red with the words Press Me! stitched onto it. You click on the paw, waiting to hear something but all you hear is static before a Oh, wait... is this thing on already? Crap. You laugh, shaking your head but then you hear the instrumental playing in the background, and you laugh even harder. Soon enough, the classic melody starts playing and you’re snorting to yourself in your bed. Of course of all songs, he had chosen a meme song.

Shooting Stars is a song you and Jungkook had first heard in Mr. Kang’s donut store. It had been perhaps the fourth visit to the store. You remember the both of you standing in the middle of the store trying to search up the song because it had such a catchy tune. After saving the details of the song on your phone, like the free spirit that you are, you break out into a tiny dance, prompting Mr. Kang to join you from behind the counter and he obliges, laughing as Jungkook recorded all of it. You still have to get him to delete that, you laugh. Anyway, weeks later, you started seeing these hilarious meme videos with the tune playing in the background. Then, while you’re catching up with Jungkook over donuts, he shows you a compilation video of the meme and says: Isn’t this our song??? And so that’s what the song is. Our song, you hum. Of course only you and Jungkook would pick a meme song to be the soundtrack of your friendship.

The nurse must think you’re out of your mind because she’s giving you a look that borders on fear and disgust as she watches you sing along to the song playing from the bear. You debate explaining to her why you’re laughing at a mere song but you decide against it. Though patients are usually advised to stay overnight, she gives you the all clear to leave when you ask. Considering Jungkook has already paid for everything and was no longer in the vicinity, they didn’t have to be nice to you anymore. You’re unbothered though and you say your thanks before you simply slip back into your clothes and grab a cab back to your place.

You see Jungkook later that night and he’s obviously angry at you… that you already know because he called you in the midday after getting to the hospital only to find out that you’ve already left. You had a game plan though. You make him meet you at his favourite noodle store and after a bowl of rich curry noodles, he seems to have calmed down considerably… or perhaps he was just too busy sweating, gulping down his drink in an attempt to quell the fire that the curry had left behind in his mouth. Next, when you get to the donut store, you make sure to buy more of the custard filled donuts than usual but ah, you should’ve known that unlike you, Jungkook can’t be bought with food.

“Why did you go to work today? Why didn’t you just rest?” He questions.

“I-I didn’t go to work…”

“You did. I could hear your walkie-talkie going off in the background when I called you, Y/N.”

“Okay, fine, I did,” You grumble. “I already missed two days of work, okay? I can’t afford to miss any more.”

“I-Is it the money? I already told you I can help, Y/N,” Jungkook sighs. “You have to stop returning the excess money,” He frowns.

Jungkook has been trying to pay you more than he should be and it frustrates you. You only want what he had agreed to pay you. Sometimes, you find that he pays you double, even triple the amount and no matter how tempting it is to take the money… you always return it, hiding it in the glove box, under the seat, stuffing it back into his wallet when he’s in the washroom.

“I don’t want… handouts.”

“Are you really in the position to refuse it though? If you keep working like this, you’re going to—”

“I’ll make it work,” You huff. “I… I don’t want to hear any more about this, okay?”

“Fine,” He huffs. “Just know that all you have to do is ask.”

Jungkook is too nice for his own good. He trusts you far too much. He’s naïve. With the way that he is, he would end up donating his fortune away if he stopped to talk to everyone in the South. Everyone here had what someone would call a sob story. Why did he want to help you so badly, anyway? Didn’t he think it was odd that it was hard for you to make ends meet even with two jobs and the money you get from being his sugar baby?

“By the way,” Jungkook mumbles, softly pulling your hand towards him. He frowns when he looks at your wrist to find it blank. “I swear it was on this one,” He murmurs as he grabs your other hand, twisting it to find nothing there too.

“Oh, you mean my tattoo?”

“Y-yeah. You have one, right? I saw it at the hospital, and I thought I was hallucinating.”

“It’s here,” You smile pointing at your inner right wrist and Jungkook furrows his eyebrows because there’s nothing there. “I use make-up to cover it up.”

“Why?”

“Habit, I guess,” You shrug. “It’s a gang-related thing and you know how it is in the North. I hid it when I was in college because I didn’t want to freak people out… and well, I don’t really have a reason to hide it anymore but it’s just a habit now.”

“But, no one in the North actually knows much about the gangs. I’m sure they would’ve thought it was some minimalist tattoo you decided to get.”

“I guess,” You exhale, sighing. “I was just a little paranoid about it all, I guess. Didn’t want anything that would make me stand out or whatever.”

“Why three dots instead of a triangle though?”

“Hmm?”

“You said The Trinity’s insignia was a triangle.”

“Oh, r-right,” You hum. “Well, I didn’t want a tattoo at all to begin with and I’m a bit of a baby when it comes to needles, so they let me get away with three dots.”

“You have the weirdest fears,” Jungkook laughs. “I mean, they’re valid, but like in comparison to all the things you’ve seen… I just find it weird that you’re afraid of needles but not guns and knives.”

“What can I say? I like being unique,” You smile, thumb rubbing at your inner wrist.

The short well… interrogation that Jungkook had subjected you to has you feeling nervous. It’s over now but you’re surprised by how much he actually remembers. All those stories you told, you had thought he was barely listening, but he remembers all the little details. You shouldn’t be surprised, he’s done it quite a few times, mentioning random facts that you had said in passing and yet, it catches you off guard every time. It’s okay, you mumble. You had it under control. All your stories are in line, you had made sure of that. But, isn’t it time you start letting people in? How long can you go on keeping all these secrets? Those were questions you didn’t want to answer. Your heart is still thudding against your chest, palms slightly sweaty and maybe that’s why you say what you do next.

“You want to get a drink? You said you wanted to know how we live it up in the South.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea? I mean you just got out of surgery… yest— well technically, today.”

“Guess you’ll have to drink for two then,” You smile. “Come on, it’ll be fun!”

You don’t even let him answer as you stuff the last donut in your mouth before you take him by the hand and drag him down the street.

One drink. You said you only wanted one drink and turns out one is all that you need. Wendy wasn’t joking because you really are a light-weight. All it took was one soju bomb and that pout has already appeared. It’s the same one you had on at the bar when you begged him to buy shots. It’s the same one that almost made him cave even when he knew you were way past drunk. It’s just… how could he say no to that? You whine, pout on full display as you beg him to share a scallion pancake with you. He has his phone out to record the whole ordeal and you grumble, pawing at it so that he would put it away. Although he doesn’t give you a verbal yes, you order it anyway because the tipsy version of you seems to be more perceptive than the sober version of you. Tipsy you had Jungkook all figured out it seems. Tipsy you knows that Jungkook can’t really say no to you. He laughs, reaching over to ruffle your hair as you smile up at him.

How Jungkook’s never been here is honestly a wonder but then again is it really? You had walked him through a series of dodgy alleyways only to come to a mysterious door. It was like those speakeasy bars they had in the North but instead of a fake door front, the actual entrance to the bar was just ominous looking for no reason. It wasn’t for the aesthetics; the bar owner just couldn’t be bothered to put in the money to make it look inviting.

After stepping into the bar, the two of you had been greeted by an elder man seemingly unbothered, only giving a simple grunt which Jungkook assumed must’ve been his way of saying welcome. The place was poorly lit, paint was peeling off the walls but you didn’t seem bothered one bit. In fact, you seemed rather excited. The establishment resembled what Jungkook would think a brothel would look like with private rooms separated only by screen doors. Truth be told, he was trembling a little when the staff led both you and him down the dark hallway to your own room. You had laughed at the fear that was present on Jungkook’s features but you had reassured him that the food would change his mind. And that it did. Spicy rice cakes with ramen? A combo he hadn’t tried before but boy was he glad he did. As the food started to fill up the table, so did the drinks. You’d set up these drinks for him, making him slam his fists on the table so that his soju glass, delicately balanced on a pair of chopsticks atop his glass of beer, would fall in. It seemed like you never ran out of these intricate set ups and he was in awe with how the North hadn’t discovered any of this yet. You northerners are too busy being posh that you’ve forgotten how to have fun, you had said, and he had only sneered in response because well, to some extent, that was true.

It had been quite some time since Jungkook had enjoyed the prospect of drinking. It was odd that he was having so much fun when there was only you and him in the room. He was always under the impression that he needed a large group of friends for a night of drinking to be even remotely tolerable but you, you’re a one man show. From the fancy drinks you were making him, to the odd games you make him to play, to your choice of food, he didn’t need anyone but you in the room. You move from one topic to the next with ease and he wonders why nights out with his friends couldn’t be like this. Perhaps when it’s just him, Yoongi and Taehyung having a relaxing night out, it came close to this, but otherwise, there was nothing like it.

You barely need Jungkook’s help to finish the scallion pancake. In fact, the boy only had one piece. The food at this bar is your kryptonite… well, food in general is but it’s been far too long since you’ve been to this place. You and Wendy used to frequent this place so much that you could memorize the posters hanging inside each room. They’re still the same, you note. This bar is timeless, never-changing. Even the menu was exactly the same. You liked that though.

“Wendy and I used to come here to celebrate anything and everything,” You smile. “We haven’t been here for months though.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know… It’s harder to find time for these things when I have to work,” You mumble. “Do you have a place like this? Like your old haunt or whatever it is you posh northerners say.”

“Literally no one says that in the North,” Jungkook snorts, his speech slightly slurred from all the alcohol he’s drank. “But… yeah, I guess. Yoongi, Tae and I hang out at Tae’s place all the time. He has an insane view of the city from his penthouse and there’s this amazing takeout place just across, so we always get food from there.”

“Cute,” You smile. “The three of you are inseparable.”

“Yeah, I guess it’s because— and I know how elitist this is going to sound but, it’s because it’s hard to find people who can understand our plight,” He mumbles, and you let out a quiet laugh which garners a playful scowl from him. “There’s just so much pressure in being you know… us. We’re always being watched, being judged, so it’s nice to have each other because when we’re together, we don’t really have to worry about all of that. We can bitch about whatever we want without worrying that we’re flaunting or whatever.”

“Yeah, I get that. Even if I guess I don’t understand your plight,” You say with air quotes and he simply rolls his eyes at you. “It’s nice to have friends that you grew up with and struggled with. Friends you can always count on.”

He nods at that. “Well I’m sure you had friends like that growing up. None of them moved out here to the big city?”

“Oh, I never stayed in one place long enough to have friends like that,” You laugh. “I have Wendy though. She’s like family to me,” You smile. Although, there are many things that you’ve kept from her too. Perhaps you understand what Jungkook meant to some degree because your plight is one nobody would understand.

“Family. That’s sweet,” He murmurs, resting his head in his palm, arm propped up by his elbow. “So what about me then? What am I to you?” He questions, leaning closer, his cheeks tinged red from the alcohol. Jungkook surely has had a few too many glasses of soju, you snort to yourself.

“Hmm?” He hums again, prompting you to answer his question and you lick your lips.

The question had caught you off guard and you hesitate for a second, not knowing what to say. You know Jungkook is enjoying this, the smirk on his lips tells you as much but oh, two can play this game.

“Hmm… you? Well, we’re soulmates, aren’t we?” You answer easily. “I thought you knew this already,” You continue with an expression that’s blank and cool, as if you’re simply stating a fact. The statement leaves Jungkook stunned, his eyes wide because you’ve never said it yourself first but then he sees you smile, trying hard not to laugh.

“My, you looked worried there,” You grin, devilishly so. “You’re the one that gave us the title though.”

Jungkook scowls at you, picking up some leftover lettuce on the table to throw at you.

“I just needed time to process what you were saying. I had a long day,” He mumbles, watching you pick up the lettuce stuck to your shirt. “But, yes, we’re soulmates,” He nods, laughing lightly as he attempts to dodge the same soggy vegetable that you’re trying to throw back at him.

“Only the rich would ever disrespect food like this,” You huff, shaking your head disapprovingly as you place the lettuce on your plate.

“Yeah, yeah, says the one who was trying to toss it right back at me.”

“You know you’re lucky you’re rich and cute so, I’m just going to let that one slip,” You huff, standing up to open the screen door. “Anyway, let’s go? I have to be at the port at 5 and I want at least 5 hours of sleep.”

“S-sure.”

Cute? How is it that you always say things like that so nonchalantly? Unfair, utterly unfair.

Jungkook must’ve been standing there in the middle of the hallway, looking all dazed and unsure which you probably mistook for fear because you’re storming up to him, holding him by his hand to lead him to the exit.

“It’s not that scary, you big baby,” You laugh. “We’ve been in far scarier situations.”

He only hums, letting you tug him along because wow, your hand is so warm and… nice. He’s held your hand 3 times now in the last 24 hours. He likes that. Was it weird to keep count? When did he become this soft? Doesn’t matter… it’s not like you’ll ever know about it. Damn. He shouldn’t have let you order that many bottles of soju. He didn’t think you were serious about making him drink for two.

Jungkook’s pretty much in his own world, lost in his thoughts until he feels your hand slip away from his to dig into your purse.

“Wait, no,” Jungkook frowns. “I’m supposed to pay.”

“Please, I owe you thirty thousand dollars. Let me pay.”

“No. We agreed you’ll only be paying with donuts.”

“Jungkook—”

The elderly man at the counter lets out an annoyed grunt and you apologize, hastily grabbing notes out of your wallet to place on the counter. Jungkook swipes it the moment you put it down, replacing it with his money instead and you frown.

“Let me pay,” You whine as you attempt to snatch your cash away from him but, it’s too late. Jungkook is already pocketing his change.

“Donuts only,” He grunts, placing your cash and wallet back into your purse for you before he grabs your hand and leads you out the door.

“You’re so stubborn when you’re drunk,” You huff.

“You’re stubborn,” He grumbles in return. “Also, I’m not drunk... Just slightly light-headed.”

“You’re tripping over your feet like every 5 steps.”

“That’s because you’re walking so fast,” He frowns as he attempts to get you to slow down.

“I don’t know maybe it’s because I don’t want to get shanked in this alleyway.”

The sentence makes Jungkook jump slightly and he walks faster to match your pace. You laugh at that because the boy was far too gullible. Maybe all your stories about the South had made the place seem a lot scarier than it really is.

“I’m just joking,” You laugh, squeezing his hand. “This area’s pretty alright.”

“I hate when you do that,” He frowns. You only smile in return because it was fun to tease him.

“By the way, you’re such a liar,” You say. “If you’re already this tipsy from just a few soju bombs, I highly doubt you can down 10 tequila shots in a row and still be standing.”

“I can and I’ll show you. Name the time and place.”

“Wow, no need to get defensive now,” You laugh. “You just—”

“Shit,” Jungkook mumbles as he stands in front of his car.

“What?” You query, looking at the vehicle. All the tires were still there, so were his mirrors.

“I can’t drive.”

“Well, okay you didn’t have that much to drink. You’ll be below the 0.08%... maybe... anyway I’m sure the cops will let you pass,” You mumble. Paying off the cops to get out of a DUI is nothing new. In fact it’s the norm. “You can still—”

“No, I can’t do it,” He mumbles. “My fath— No… I’ll just sit here until I sober up,” He hums, taking a seat on the curb.

Oh… Oh right. How could you have even suggested that? Idiot. You’re a bona fide idiot.

You remember seeing the news. You were still young then, but it was all anyone was talking about.

We’re standing at the spot where just last night a car veered off the road and plunged into the river right here in the province of—

Two bodies have been found, both middle-aged men who—

The driver is said to have been under the influence at the time. His blood alcohol levels though not high—

Mr. Jeon, aged 38, the heir to Jeon Logistics leaves behind a wife and a son, only aged—

As Jungkook attended the funeral of his father that week, you attended a funeral too, your eyes swollen from crying even days after the accident. Just as his world fell apart that week, so did yours. That was the week your mother had decided enough was enough.

“I can drive,” You offer. “The last drink I had was more than 2 hours ago.”

“It’s fine… You’ll have to come back to the South and—”

“Come on,” You mumble, swiping the keys out of his hand. “Or I’ll just leave without you.”

Jungkook sighs, scrambling to his feet when he hears you start the engine.

The drive is quiet aside from Jungkook giving you directions from time to time and you feel… bad because he’s only this quiet because of you.

Jungkook has never once mentioned his father, even if he probably knows that you know the story. There probably isn’t anyone who didn’t know about it. For 2 whole weeks, his father’s face was plastered in the newspaper, in TV screens. The police bounced back between claiming there might be foul play involved, to ruling it out completely. There were rumours of tampered evidence and then there was confirmation that the evidence has been left untouched. Everyone was watching, the whole nation wanting to know the series of events that led to the accident. It was anti-climatic in the end. The road had been wet from an earlier downpour. That, coupled with the fact that the driver had some alcohol, had probably led to the accident, said the investigators. Case closed.

He had been so young then and you cannot imagine what it must’ve felt like to lose a parent and have to deal with the media constantly scrutinizing everything. He probably didn’t get time to grieve and if he did, it was on display for the whole public to see. You mean to say sorry, sorry that you made him inadvertently bring it up but you’re not sure if you should mention it at all. In any case, you run out of time because you’re already pulling into his parking bay.

“Wow,” You gasp as you stand at the lift lobby. The floors and walls were lined with marble tiles and you smooth your hand over the surface. “This place is really fancy.”

“You should see Tae’s place,” Jungkook laughs.

“Do you live on the penthouse floor too?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah, of course you do.”

“Why? Do you want to see it?”

“C-can I? I mean I’d love to only if you umm don’t mind… I guess.”

“Of course you can,” He chuckles. “I’ll call concierge to get you a taxi from the unit too.”

Concierge? Wow. So this is how the rich live.

Everything about the place screamed fancy. From the lobby, to the lift and of course Jungkook’s unit itself. Everything was opulent, grandeur. Well, to be fair Jungkook’s unit was a little on the minimalistic side but it still looked expensive. You think it had a lot to do with the grand piano sitting in the middle of the living room. Either way, it’s been a while since you’ve seen anything like Jungkook’s house. The only thing that could come close were the houses the gang bosses lived in.

“The view is amazing,” You breathe, nose almost touching the large glass window. You’ve always seen the city from the South and it’s stunning even from there but this was a different kind of view. You don’t think you’ve been in a building so tall. It was odd seeing the city from within the city.

“Taehyung’s view must be crazy good if all of you choose to hang out in his place over yours.”

“Oh, it’s about the same,” He smiles. “He lives over there,” Jungkook points to an equally as tall building. “But he loves having guests over and I don’t… well not anymore.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” He sighs. “Sometimes things get out of hand… Like you see this car collection I have—” He pulls you towards a room, his room you assume, and shows you a fancy looking large glass case.

You had expected those all metal, collector’s edition cars but inside the case, you just find multiple average looking tiny toy cars. In fact, you think you used to own a few of them. They had given them out for a limited time at the gas station as part of a promotion.

“Yeah, yeah. Everyone gives me the same look,” He grumbles, noting your confused expression. “It’s just my dad and I used to collect them and we— well, I had all 100 of them… until I didn’t.”

Jungkook had thrown a party a year ago. First it was a few friends but then those friends started inviting their friends and suddenly it was a full on rager. It was all fine and dandy. Jungkook didn’t mind as long as it was still in control, but then he would constantly hear amused cheering from his room and then distant shouting from the streets below. Weird. He ignored it the first few times but after the third time, he slips away from the couch to his room to see what the commotion was about. 5 minutes and a screaming match later, his apartment was empty. Yoongi and Taehyung had never seen Jungkook so angry before and it’s safe to say they never want to ever see him that angry again.

He had 100 cars in the glass case prior to the party and after that, he was only left with 95. Apparently, whoever was in his room had thought it would be a grand idea to toss his toy car 20+ stories down. In fact, they found the idea to be so entertaining, they did it 5 times. After that fiasco, Jungkook swore he’d never have a party in his home ever again and a year later, he still hasn’t. He had scoured the streets that very night and the morning after for the toys, but he couldn’t find any of them.

“I managed to find 4 of them… some online, some in thrift stores but this one,” He points to the empty spot, a simple picture of the supposed car in its place. “I just can’t find it anywhere.”

“Have you tried emailing the company that made them?”

“Yeah,” He sighs. “But they stopped making them a long time ago so they said they couldn’t help.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll eventually find it somewhere, someday,” You smile. “This is a nice room though,” You mumble, looking around.

“Yeah it’s my room so it’s the only one I put effort into decorating,” He laughs. “The rest of the rooms, my mother insisted on decorating.”

“Yeah, I can tell you decorated this one. That’s why this is here and not out there,” You smile, pointing to the TV. “It’s how you impress the ladies, huh?”

“W-what? No? I like to game and watch things from the comfort of my bed.”

“Yeah, sure,” You snort. “This right here screams premium Netflix and ch— Wait. Oh my god, this is amazing,” You hum, as you sit on the bed, testing it out. Maybe you should’ve asked first but you’re lying down on it already. “Wow. If I’m ever rich, this will be the first thing I’ll purchase.”

“You can’t. It’s custom made,” He smirks, lying next to you.

“Of course it is,” You shake your head. “I expect nothing less for his majesty.”

“Shut up. I have long legs and the commercial beds, when they come in the right length, it’s the wrong width, so I got a custom-made one.”

“Whatever you say,” You sigh as you snuggle against his sheets. “Anyway, just give me 5 minutes right here and I’ll go grab that cab.”

“Right, sure,” He mumbles. “Oh... about that. Thanks for driving me home. It’s— I just have this irrational fear because— Well, my father… I uhh—”

“Don’t worry about it,” You smile, patting his hand as if to say he didn’t have to tell you why exactly he didn’t want to drive. “It’s not every day I get to drive a Lambo around anyway,” You smile.

“That’s the only reason you agreed, isn’t it?” He grins, laughing lightly.

“Hey, watch it,” You warn. “Next time, I’ll leave you out there in the scary South to fend for yourself.”

“I’ll do just fine.”

“You’re afraid of stray dogs and you jump at any and every noise you hear. I doubt you’ll last 10 minutes out there.”

“I do not jump at every noise,” He grumbles. “And listen, everyone knows the dogs in the South have rabies, okay? Did you see the ones that chased us that one time? They were frothing in the mouth! Even had the crazy eyes.”

“Those were guard dogs… and we were trespassing which is why the chased us,” You laugh. “Also, don’t lie. If you were close enough to see their eyes, I’m pretty sure you would be dead by now.”

“Whatev—”

His phone rings, cutting his sentence short. He points at you, raising his eyebrows as if to say he wasn’t done arguing yet before he fishes his phone out of his pocket. Staring down at the caller ID, he groans before he answers. His voice sounds smooth, peppy, not a hint of annoyance despite how he seemed like he didn’t want to answer the call. You glance at the clock on the wall as he slips out of the room, not wanting you to hear about the intricacies of his business deals, you assume. It was already half past twelve and you wonder if this is what it’s always like for Jungkook considering that he has taken a few calls here and there when the two of you are having late-night donuts. The calls seem to be a more frequent thing as of late and you pity him because you can see the tiredness in his eyes, you can see fatigue in the way his whole body sags when he gets to the bench at your hangout spot. For some reason, it seemed like he was coming to the South to escape but he could never really run from it all, could he? Everyone thinks his life is all roses, but you know it’s far from it. They think he sits in the office with his feet up on the desk, waiting for time to pass but it seems like he never really does get rest. He always has something on his mind, always asking you if he could optimize the truck routes, if he could organize his warehouse space better. You wonder if you should take him to a karaoke lounge the next time the two of you hang out. Screaming out the lyrics to your favourite songs always helps you forget your problems.

It’s been 15 minutes and the call is still going. You really want to leave but you assume it would be rude to when he’s still on the phone. You sigh, letting your eyes flutter close because god, this bed is so nice. It felt like you were being caressed by a cloud. It’s so soft you almost forget the dull ache in your abdomen. It sounds outlandish, like an over exaggeration but it genuinely felt that way. Maybe you only think so because the bed you have back home is lumpy and hard. Humming, you let your hand slide across his sheets, the material feeling soft to your touch. It’s Egyptian cotton isn’t it? Not that you actually know what that means but you know it’s expensive. You don’t know the slightest thing about thread count either but you’re sure it’s high. You know that one. You knew after a certain number, the price was just ridiculous. You find yourself dozing off a few times but you always snap out of it, only to shut your eyes again. 5 minutes, you mumble to yourself. Just five more minutes and you’re leaving... even if Jungkook isn’t done with his call by then.

Jungkook sighs, pocketing his phone after what feels like an eternity. Mr. An was basically slurring on the phone, asking why his promised shipment of timber has yet to be delivered. Jungkook had to reiterate 5 times that it already has, that Mr. An’s staff had already signed off on it. Only then did Mr. An say, why didn’t you say that earlier? Jungkook knew it was odd that his grandfather had given him such an important client to take care of. It’s now that he realizes that his grandfather was tired of these drunken calls.

When he returns to his room, Jungkook is fully determined to continue the argument, picking right where he left off but he finds you completely passed out on his bed. He prods at you, trying to shake you awake because he knows you’ll be mad at him if he didn’t at least try but like the last time when you were asleep in his car, you’re impossible to wake up.

“Cab,” You mumble in your sleep, accompanied with a slew of gibberish.

“Yeah, come on, I’ll get you one,” Jungkook answers as he tries to wake you up, but you grumble curling into yourself, instead. He laughs before sighing, shaking his head because you even scowl in your sleep. Unconsciously, he uses the back of his hand to stroke your cheek, your features instantly relaxing at the gesture. He feels his heart squeeze at that and he knows he shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be lying next to you but it feels nice, safe even being right here.

He doesn’t blame you for falling asleep. You must be exhausted. You had been in the hospital less than 24 hours ago, had your appendix removed and even went to work just hours after. He really wishes you would reward yourself with a break once in a while. If you needed money so badly, why won’t you just let him help you? He had given you a big cheque for a few thousand before, but you had refused that. He has snuck a few extra hundred into the envelope he passes you every week or so but he eventually finds the extra bills in his pocket or car. Anyone in your situation with their head screwed on right would take the money but you… you just didn’t want to. The fact that you let him pay for your surgery at all is a surprise but truthfully, he strong-armed you into letting him anyway. He absolutely abhorred how they treated you at the hospital. It was a look into the reality of your situation, of Southerners in general. How people had so much hate was beyond him.

He exhales, letting his hand drop from your cheeks to play with your fingers instead because damn it, he loves the way your hand feels in his. It’s pathetic, he sighs but… he really likes the little things in relationships. The hand holding, the sneaky kiss on the cheek, the feeling of you in his arms. Well, not that the two of you were in a relationship anyway. He has to keep reminding himself of that. It’s hard to keep that train of thought, especially so when your fingers grip around his softly. He smiles at that, a warmth spreading across his chest when he glances down at his hand, barely enveloped by yours. Against his better judgement, he leans in to kiss you on the forehead, letting his lips linger before he pulls away slowly. He doesn’t want to leave, not yet at least. He doesn’t want to pull his hand away from yours but knowing you, you’d probably have a heart attack, maybe even two if you saw him next to you in the morning. He wonders what that’s like though... waking up next to you, your hands wrapped around him like the last time, him leaning in to kiss your li—  Oh. He shouldn’t be thinking of that. But... still, he wonders, wonders how he even got to this point.

Y/N Lee.

Who would’ve thought a girl he met by chance, in the oddest of places would have him wrapped around her little finger like he was a grade school boy, totally enamoured by his first ever crush. It’s quite the pickle he’s found himself in because, now what? How is he supposed to tell you that all he really wants to do sometimes when you’re sitting on that bench with him is... kiss you? How is he supposed to fight the urge to hold your hand whenever you’re telling him a story with the widest smile on your lips. How does he make you see that even if you don’t open yourself up to anyone at all, maybe... maybe he’s worth letting in. There’s just this warmth that envelops him when he’s around you and it feels comforting to be in your presence, like it was entirely alright to just be him. And that smile, god he’d do anything, say anything, to see it. Ah, but that pout too, it makes him weak in the knees, his heart reduced to a mere puddle whenever he sees it. He knows Yoongi and Taehyung would laugh if they ever found out about the thoughts that are currently swirling around in his mind but what could he say, he’s just a fool who hasn’t met anyone quite like you before.

Time, he hums. In due time, he’ll eventually tell you he likes you or maybe you’ll figure it out, hopefully, because he’s not too good with words. With his finger on the switch and with one last glance, he flicks the lights off and shuts the door quietly. Sighing, he sinks down onto his couch, stretching out as sleepiness washes over him. With a yawn, he lets the thought of you curled up against his chest lull him to sleep. Boy, he really is in a pickle huh?

Your alarm is ringing for perhaps the third time... you can’t really tell because it’s mixing in with the dream you have, playing in the background as if it were a soundtrack. Slowly, you peel your eyes open, reaching into your back pocket where you had left your phone last night. Your hands skim the sheets and—

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

This isn’t your room and this most definitely isn’t your bed. You panic as you rise to your feet, quickly grabbing your purse off the table side before you pull open the door. The ruckus you made in his room causes Jungkook to rise sleepily from his spot on the couch. You’re shouting words of apologies, fully intending to make clear how sorry you are but when your eyes dart to the fancy digital clock display, you almost let out a scream. You’re going to be so late for work and given your recent attendance record at work, your boss is not going to be happy.

“I’m so sorry! I’ll call you later to apologize properly!” Is all Jungkook hears you say before you slam his door shut. He can barely keep his eyes open since it is 3 in the morning after all. That’s far too early for anyone to be awake, he mumbles.

You’re practically pacing up and down the sidewalk, trying to stay under the dim streetlight as you wait for your cab. Your boss didn’t seem too happy when you called in to let him know you’ll be a little late today. That was a problem you would atone for once you get to the port. As for the other one… you know, the one where you fell asleep in Jungkook’s bed? Basically, relegating him to the couch in his own home? After he had had paid thirty-thousand dollars for your surgery? You didn’t know how you were going to atone for that one. You’re not sure he’d even pick up your call later. You’re so busy beating yourself up you barely register the sight of a hooded man standing a few steps away from you. It’s only when he speaks that your head perks up, your body freezing in your spot when you hear those words leave his lips. You’d recognize that voice anywhere, recognize that pet name anywhere.

“Hello, Empress,” He smirks, pulling his hood up just so you could see his face. The scar starting just below his eye, stopping right at corner of his lip confirms your worst fear and you back away as he takes a step forward. “Now don’t tell me you don’t recognize me. I know it’s been a while but is that how you greet your family?”

You open your mouth to answer but your throat seizes up and nothing but a whimper leaves your lips. He lifts an eyebrow at you and your eyes widen before you move quickly to bow. 

“Fraternizing with the enemy, I see,” He exhales, head nodding towards Jungkook’s apartment. “Boss would be disappointed. Angry even.”

You haven’t felt fear like this in years. You can barely move, can’t even speak. Every nerve in your body is telling you to run but you’re glued to your spot.

“Don’t worry,” He smiles. “I won’t tell if you won’t,” He winks.

“W-What do you want?” Is all you can muster to ask.

“Oh, nothing in particular.” Yet. But of course he leaves that part out. “Can’t I just see how my favourite niece is doing?”

“How did you find me?”

Your question comes out as barely a whisper and at that he laughs. Ever so timid, his dear niece is.

“Well, I never really lost you in the first place. Never for too long at least,” He smiles, condescendingly so as he steps up to caress your cheek. “You think you and your mum would’ve been safe all this while if it wasn’t for me?”

You don’t want to show him any sign of weakness, but tears are already forming at the corner of your eyes. The sight makes him laugh because aren’t you cute. It didn’t matter how old you are now. You’ll always be a little baby in his eyes. He coos at you, wiping away the tears that fall as you struggle to move out of the grip he has on you.

“Don’t worry, boss doesn’t know... but, nice little province you’ve chosen to hide her in. Enemy territory too...” He mumbles. “Took me a while to find her. Smart little nugget, aren’t you?”

You can barely breathe. You thought your mother was safe. You had taken great care to make sure that she would never be found.

“Why are you scared, Empress? If you think I’m here to bring both you and her back, then you’re mistaken,” He smiles. “There are more pressing matters that I have to deal with... though I must say, I wonder what boss would have to say if he ever saw the two of you again.”

“L-leave my mother alone. She has suffered enough,” You sob and he frowns, using his sleeve to soak up your tears.

“That she has,” He murmurs. “Choices, choices. She had many to make and she made all the wrong ones,” He shakes his head.

“Please. Spare us.” 

You’re practically begging at this point because there’s nothing else you can do. One phone call and life as you knew it would be over.

“From what?” He smiles. “As far as I know, you’re Y/N... Lee. Not of my blood, neither of my interest,” He mumbles as he takes a step back, hand peculiarly grabbing for your arm as he twists it to look at your wrist.

“I can see you’ve tried hard to erase your past. So, Y/N Lee it is,” He hums, frowning as his thumb rubs at the spot your tattoo should be and it is, but the make-up has done a good job of covering it. “Cute little name, isn’t it? L/N just wasn’t working for you anymore huh?”

*Honk*

The sound makes you jump and you quickly pull your hand away to see a cab waiting for you. You glance from the cab to your uncle and he nods toward the cab, as if he was giving you the permission to go ahead. You didn’t need to be told twice. Quickly, you run over, pulling at the door handle in a haste to escape.

“Farewell, Empress.”

That’s the last thing you hear before you shut the door. Your voice is shaking terribly as you tell the driver your address, unsure if any of it was intelligible but he lets out a grunt of assurance and you finally sink in your seat as he pulls away from the curb. With your hands shaking in your lap, you wonder how you’re going to make it through the work day today.

Your uncle laughs as he watches the cab leave, enjoying the look of pure fear on your face. It’s been too long since he’s seen you up close. He’s always been watching from the shadows, always close but not too close. He wonders if he had made himself known far too soon. It was the perfect opportunity though and he couldn’t resist. When else would he ever get you all on your own with no one else in sight?

He whistles an old tune as he strides back to his car, perusing through the gallery on his beloved camera like he always does. There were so many pictures to choose from tonight. He had pictures of you and Jungkook at the noodle store, had a few more of the both of you at the bench, eating donuts. Though he must say, he has many of those already. Those weren’t that interesting, he huffs clicking through the pictures before he smirks. See, now these ones were interesting. He has a few of you and Jungkook going to the bar you love so much and finally the saucy ones of you driving him home and subsequently leaving his house looking haphazard. My, my, now what could’ve happened there? Mrs. Jeon would surely love to see these.

Oh, his sweet niece. Gone are the days where he would seat you in his lap to play peek-a-boo with you. Gone are the days where he would be standing with you in your backyard, teaching you how to slice a throat with utmost precision. He didn’t mean to involve you in this but no, things had unfurled too perfectly for him to ignore this chance. He wanted nothing from you, that much was true but it’s what you could do for him, what he would eventually make you do, that he wanted. Years of keeping tabs on you has finally come to fruition. What he once thought was a useless endeavour would prove to be one that would bring the entire gang to his knees.

Ah, Empress. You don’t seem too fond of the title now, but like it or not, it is your destiny, he believes. You could try running, but in the end, you can never really escape. It’s going to be the coup of the century and you are going to be the centre-piece that unlocks it all... and the best part about all of this? Well, you see he wouldn’t even have to do any of the heavy lifting. You were going to do all the work while he sits back and reaps all the benefits. Ah, bliss. Boss wouldn’t even see him coming. Nobody would. Chaos, he smiles. It was going to be pure chaos and he loved that.

Maybe then, everyone will see just how wrong they were. Maybe then, your mother would see what could’ve been.

You make it to work just barely under 20 minutes late. Your boss is furious, that much you know by the way he basically growls at you. Your side aches and maybe it’s because you ran to the port when the doctor had said to avoid any strenuous physical activity for a few months. That’s the least of your worries though and you struggle to stay focused most of the day. Your mind drifts back to your uncle, to the way he smirked when he talked about knowing where your mother is. You remind yourself to call her later from the payphone. Maybe you should move her somewhere else now. God, why is it that when one bad thing happens, your life tends to descend into chaos? It’s almost as if you were getting punched from every direction possible. You guess your life always has been like that, like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

You can only run away from your past for so long.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

Things can only stay secret for so long.

join the tag list here!

A/N: Please don’t drink and drive! Also please don’t bribe the cops!

Ae knee way, tb to when my friends took me to this sketchy af pocha and I was so scared, but the place had bomb af food and super cheap drinks lmao love that place. Too scared to go back without them bc the uncle that owns the place looks like he hates everyone. Genuinely. I love him tho.

Also I wanted to post half of this chapter last week but I think y’all would’ve decked me in the face if I didn’t give more clues as to who hooded mystery dude is!!! I know everything seems random but everything happens for a reason my dudes. Anyway as always, thanks for reading and feedback is always welcome!!! (:

[benichi]

Money Jar and Illusion of Choice

aka Story Jar by NTT Solmare and Love Choice by Otome Romance (former Voltage Inc.) Since I haven’t been around much the last few weeks and because I got an ask about it I decided to look at these new ways to “enjoy” Otome games. I already vented about Money-... I mean Love Jar yesterday, and while Voltage isn’t quite as hardcode (yet) it still should be talked about.

I’ll start with Masquerade Kiss, Otome Romance (former Voltage Inc.)’s new game which introduces Love Choice as a way to read Main Stories. Apparently the only way for future releases. Though it doesn’t matter much where I start since both of these new “systems” have a lot in common. This is how the Love 365 app greets you currently.

FOR FREE OMG. However as you know nothing in life is free, if you look closely you’ll see “Use hearts to read without wait times ♪”. So literally in the same breath they tell you that this new system is shit. We’ll take a more in-depth look at those wait times later because they play a big role for this entire new system, including the situation in Story Jar. To put the second part into words that aren’t sugar coated “Use money to deepen your affection! If you want to see CG’s and get a satisfactory ending you had better open that wallet of yours cause those are behind a paywall♪“. Otome Romance (former Voltage Inc.) is trying to be charming about this but the bottom line is: without money you get the short end of the stick. Which isn’t all bad or uncommon. They are a company so obviously they have to make money. But they’ve come up with quite a cunning way to do just that.

CELEBRATION! NOW OR NEVER! READ THE WHOLE STORY WITHOUT WAITING!!! WHAT A NEW AND REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT?! HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED BEFORE? Yes. That’s the old system we’ve had until now. Where you pay 4€ once and own the entire thing to read at your own pace and revisit as often as you’d like. I honestly couldn’t help but scoff when this screen showed up as I was playing. 

Which brought me to my first question. Why don’t they simply let us consumers choose between buying the entire thing and this “f2p” version? It’s the same simple answer for all questions related to this topic:  💰 💰 💰

The elaborate explanation is that obviously no one would touch this “f2p” version unless they’re forced to. As stated above stories used to be 4€. However Love Choice is much more expensive.

This part made me especially sick. They know exactly that for a lot of us Otoge is something we use to treat ourselves. These sugar coated words “special” “exciting outcomes” “spicy ending” aim exactly for that. You’re already here, surely you don’t want to miss this super special spicy scintillating sexy breathtaking ending.

However that’s not even the worst part yet. One choice costs 5 hearts which is not too bad right? Too good to be true almost, which is exactly what’s happening here. As you progress the amount of hearts needed steadily increases. The biggest amount one choice costs is 26 hearts.

That singular choice plus CG costs almost as much as an entire route with all CG’s etc. used to cost (400 Coins).

Granted as you can see above you “only” need 12 points to get the super special spicy scintillating sexy breathtaking ending. Which means you don’t always have to select the ~special choice~. However the amount of points you get per special choice is different each time (ranging from 1pt to 3pts), there’s no other way to earn them. So unless you use a Walkthrough you’re grasping at straws. Like here, you’ll get a CG sure but only 1pt. In theory a choice with 3pts is more lucrative but who knows when one of those might show up.

Ultimately guessing whether the money you’ve invested so far will be enough to get you that desired ending might be more thrilling than Eisuke 2.0 trying to shove his tongue into your mouth.

Let’s get back to our numbers though. In order to get all the CG’s + that super special ending you’ll need at least 85 hearts. Which basically translates to 900 Coins.

11€. Only possible if you play it smart by using a Walkthrough, which means someone else took the plunge and paid the whooping 22€ instead. Because that’s what you’ll have to pay if you go for every single special choice. Granted you don’t have to spend the entire 2000 Coins, there are 300 left over because Otome Romance (former Voltage Inc.) simply never offers the exact amount of 1700 Coins you’d need. But what do these leftover 300 coins even do for you? Nothing much anymore as we’ve seen.

Plus there’s the wait times we haven’t experienced yet. I mean how much does it cost if I don’t want to wait for 5 hours? Will those “leftover” 300 coins even cover that? A part of me honestly doesn’t even want to know.

Moving on to the illusion of having a choice. As stated above the only way to raise points is by using money. Only these paid choices change the Love Meter. Every other ~choice~ might as well not be there because it doesn’t make a difference. Let’s look at this one scene in particular. For context my dude Kazuomi Shido wants to get rid of a woman because she “knows too much”.

As stated before you could skip this special choice and still get that ~Super Happy Ending~. I mean ppffft what’s she to me amirite? Random Woman Nr.1 is definitely not worth my 50 coins.

But how is this enjoyable? How am I supposed to be pleased knowing that the only way to get a different ending is paying up. That my choices don’t matter except for the ones where I make it rain money for Otome Romance (former Voltage Inc.). They might as well just remove the “choices” and sell the entire story for 11€ or 22€ if they’re feeling bold. 

But again, if the amount you spend was displayed in such a blunt way no one would ever go near these stories. I mean just look at Wand of Fortune (Story Jar). A single route consists of 27 Chapters (the 1st one being free). One Chapter costs 20 diamonds. So to read everything you’ll need 520 diamonds, which translates to 44€. How is this real life? Who thought this was a good idea?

Which brought me to my next question: What’s up with this sudden increase we see for the amount of Chapters? Could we be... getting more for our money? Again, no. It’s still all about them getting more  💰 💰 💰

Because each Chapter is incredibly short. And while the Chapters in Masquerade Kiss at least make sense despite their shortness the same can’t even be said for Wand of Fortune.

I think this sudden rise serves a few different purposes. Obviously more Chapters means more money. In WoF you just straight up have to pay and in Love Choice it gives them the option to put in even more “””special choices”””. Plus when there’s no CELEBRATION NOW OR NEVER PLAY WITHOUT WAIT TIMES event that’s another point where you could possibly pay to progress more quickly. I mean 5 hours wait time means you’ll only get to play 4 Chapters per day. If that’s even an option for you. I certainly can’t whip out my phone at work to get raunchy with Eisuke 2.0 simply because 5 hours have passed. But that’s an entirely different matter.

But what else is happening here? Honestly these Chapter splits are nothing but sneaky practices to pick the money right out of our pockets. By splitting the costs into different Chapters people will be less aware of how much they’re actually paying. If they straight up tried to sell one story for 44€ or 22€ who in their right mind would buy that? Unless you sit down and do the math first you’ll just kind of pay slowly as you progress the story. Plus on Love Choice you don’t even necessarily have the option to figure out how much it’ll cost in the end unless you go through the thing for yourself once or find someone that wrote everything down. At this point we can’t even say if the requirements for Kazuomi’s route are the norm. Are 85 hearts always the minimum requirement? 169 the most? There’s no telling at this point.

What I do know at this point however is that these companies are taking advantage of us. It’s true, we are currently in a dire situation. Our niche market is slowly running cold with the Vita being officially dead and no announcements for the Switch overseas. Currently mobile games are the only thing that’s going strong in the Otome Market here. But this? This can’t be it!

I won’t pay for a game that’s so completely butchered from it’s original release that it's barely functional and makes no sense. With core mechanics and voice acting removed. I won’t pay to be stripped from the right to make my own choices in a visual novel and to be played like a fiddle with all these sugar coated words that hide shrewed tricks.

Only if you give him 13 hearts first though. I gotta admit the image of Kazuomi standing there with his palm stretched out like 

“I could stick my tongue into your mouth BUT that’ll be 2,29€ first. We don’t take checks, by the way” is a little funny but ultimately too expensive for my taste.

I honestly understand that these are not easy times to be a fan of Otome Games. However, if we let these companies play us like this then we’ve already lost. Why would Aksys or any other company bother translating major titles that take so much more effort to localize if mobile Otoge with considerably less work can be sold for almost the same amount? I mean if someone pays 44€ per route that’s 264 € for the entire “game”. You could probably buy half of the Vita games Aksys has released so far with that amount. Maybe all of them if you wait for sales, this is insanity.

And 22€ is in no way better either. Just think of all the things you can buy for that amount of money, I mean not even games. Plus Otome Romance (former Voltage Inc.) is becoming worse and worse as time goes on. I’ve defended them for a long time because in a way I’m grateful. I still remember when Pirates in Love was practically the only thing we had. But I’ve reached my limit. Love Choice is just as bad as Story Jar. 

This post has become long enough, but I’ll add this later or make a seperate post of how f2p can work. I don’t want to be misunderstood, I know some people prefer f2p instead of just buying the entire stories which is perfectly fine. But these two companies have missed the mark completely and we have to be vocal about it.

PS: If you want to experience good f2p games please check out Cybird games, they’re our only hope in these unholy times.

[shock777archive]

A little Excerpt from a BBRAE Roleplay between my friend and I:

A little context: It’s two years after the end of season 5. Raven is 18, nearly 19 and Beast boy is 18. Raven has fallen in love with Beast boy after he nearly died protecting her from a cult of Trigon seeking revenge. Literally a week after theyve recovered from their wounds, Raven has been losing control of her powers and has been sinking into depression and even losing control of her demonic powers. Robin told everyone to leave raven alone to collect herself, but beast boy had to talk with her...and so he decided to write her a letter. 

The excerpt is below the cut! :D I just wanted to share this cause it’s super in character and fucking cute ;A; I really wanna draw this and make it a full on fic, as it does fit nicely with my headcanons... Also, forgive us for any spelling errors. this is via the LINE app on cell lmao 

The parts written by me are indicated, and my rp partner is the marvelous @angel-dust-ryuuki

Me: Beast boy stuck his head out of his room...looked to the left, looked to the right. No one in sight. It was nearing bed time and everyone was in their respective rooms. He heard muffled robin and starfire chatting, but could not make out anything they were saying. Raven's room was still cold, and almost gave off an unholy aura. It was dead silent. He wondered if Raven had gone to sleep finally? In any case, Beast boy carried out his little "plan." "If robin wont let me speak to you in person..." He thought to himself, kneeling down to her door. "I'll just have to write instead!" Beast boy slipped underneath raven's door, that single piece of crinkled up paper. Raven noticed it right away. She could always feel when someone was near...And she saw the little paper quietly slip under her door. Beast boy trotted back to his room, took one last look down the hallway at her door, and then closed his door behind him. Plopping back down on his queen sized bed, he began to game some.

Raven didn't know what to expect. But judging from the crinkly-ness of the paper and the horrendous writing, it had to be beast boy. Beast boy...her heart fluttered. Raven opened up the crude letter to look at a small little paragraph or two. She had to squint her eyes to read it.

"Raven- It's me, beast boy. I heard you weren't feeling well with everything that's going on. I just want you to know that it's okay to feel the way you do. Sometimes we have good days and sometimes we have bad days. And I know you're gonna say 'I'm not allowed to have bad days', but...I just want you to know we all hope you feel better soon! I hope I didn't do anything to hurt you or make you upset. Let me know if i did! You can punish me in any way you want! ...well, just don't take away my videogames! (he drew a random smiley face here).

If you're having trouble sleeping, maybe come hang out with me for a little while. I know it's a stretch, but I know robin and starfire do their...Adult things at night and cy usually has to charge his battery by late night...I'm usually up though! You're free to come visit. I won't tell anyone don't worry! The offer's always there and my door is unlocked at night if you need anything. You don't even have to knock! (insert another smiley face here.)

I hope you feel better soon, rae.

-From: (there were a few words here that were scratched out and illegible, followed by a slightly more bold signature: ) Changling. "

Angel: Raven blushed at the letter and held it close. She couldn't help but feel the warmth of his words in this cold room. Deciding to play along.

Beastboy was on his bed when a crow appeared. Dropping a neatly folded and stamped letter on his chest before it disappeared like smoke.

"Dear Changling, Nice name by the way. It's rather fitting. Do you plan to make it your new hero name?I appreciate the concern for what appears to be a more then unwelcome bad day. I know you want to tell me it's okay to feel the way I do. But feelings are not something I can have. You know how unstable my powers are. You didn't hurt me or make me upset. Nothing that has happened is your fault. The fault only lies with me. So please do not blame yourself for any of this. I will take your offer under consideration.-Raven

Me: Beast boy smiled and then looked around his room for more paper. Of course he was cleaner the more mature he had gotten, no longer being able to tolerate the smell. Most of his mess remained inside his closet though. Finally finding another paper he began his response.

A few moments later another paper slipped under her door.

"yeah, changling sounds pretty neat huh? I'll have to admit even I'm surprised I came up with that! (emoji here).  Maybe I can ask robin if my personal file can be updated.

Look, I know you're not too keen on spending an evening late at night with some weird green dude but I SWEAR. I won't make you play video games or even make you talk.  U could just come and read one of Ur books and I can do my own thing... I know how being alone can make u feel depressed."

Raven paused for a moment. She felt a chill go down her spine. Her room was so cold.. No doubt thanks to her powers reflecting her mood a little.

" the offer is always here. Even if I'm asleep or something u can wake me up! I don't care! I just want you to feel better raven."

Raven blushed deeply and sighed continuing to read the last bit.

"I'm glad I didn't mess up anything... I seriously been feeling like u were mad at me about something. But thanks raven. I won't worry anymore."

Angel: "Dear Changling,I'm sure Robin will have no problem with that. I've heard from Starfire he too is planning to soon change his Hero name to Nightwing. "Pausing on how to continue this.  But feeling...lonely? Sighing. "I know your intentions are good. But my powers are unstable right now and I'm not even sure what might happen. I would prefer not to put you in any danger as much as possible."The last part she sighed a bit. "But...I do appreciate the letters. I wasn't even sure you knew how to write.-Raven"Bahaha of course she chide at him a little. XD Well he's never written a letter for her before. Heck he didn't even write one for Terra.

Me: Beast boy scowled at her sarcastic remark. He got out yet another piece of paper -(turns out he found an old empty sketchbook he was gifted but never used).

--- Another letter under her door. Beast boy was getting out of breath at this point XD

"Night wing?!? Okay well at least my name is cooler...."

Raven giggled and then immediately blushed when she realized she was laughing... At one of beast boys jokes?!? Hell had truly frozen over... Raven hadn't noticed it yet, but as she was writing these little letters back and forth, her emotions were stabilized... And her furniture no longer was floating. Hell, even her room began to warm just a tad...

"I think ur just using Ur powers as an excuse not to hang out with me! And yes, I know what happened earlier. Rob-(scratched out) night wing told me earlier. Look, I get that u have to control Ur emotions and stuff. But u were fine before all this trigon stuff happened. Maybe u could use a distraction or two? (winky face smile emoji here)

I do know how to write but I know how to text even better. U can message me via communicator u know.......

U do know how to make a private chat with that thing don't u? "

Raven looked at her communicator which lit up right as she finished reading his message.

In all green text in a private message it read: Sup?

Angel: She texted back then:

I'm aware. Starfire and I private message from time to time. How exactly would you plan on distracting me?

Sending the massage to him then. Putting the ball back in his court. She blushed.

Me: It showed he was typing... Then it showed he wasn't... Then it showed he was. Raven watched in baited breath almost awaiting a response. Why was her heart so giddy all of a sudden? She was technically still a teen at age 18, though the giddiness of young love had not yet crawled its way into her heart.... Til now.Finally his message popped up."okay well I just found out about the private message thing tbh...." he wrote. No wonder he always replied or sent mass texts in group chat...." well I know u like to read. Why not give one of my comic books a try? Or maybe u wanna watch a scary movie?" Raven saw that he was texting her again. Another message popped up."Okay bad idea. Emotions. Bad. Got it."

Angel: She almost rolled her eyes at his text messages. They were kind of amusing. 'You're pretty insistent on me coming into your bedroom " she texted back. Bet he would read that and we'll get embaressed. XD

Me: there was a long pause on her communicator. Then It showed he was typing, followed by a long pause of not typing. Was he embarrassed? Did it go over his head? Raven was tapping her foot nervously on her bed, awaiting a response. Still hadn't noticed the stability in her soul or room...she was that engrossed in this conversation. (Just like any earth teen, amirite?) Finally, then came a response: "I just want you to feel better, Rae." Is all he wrote in that long time. Raven's face instantly turned pink. She had to put her communicator down and cover her eyes for a moment. Meanwhile, Beast boy was in his room worrying sick that she thought he was up to no good. The last thing he wanted to come off as was some kind of creep like that asshole Adonis. But maybe Raven didn't know that about him?! He just wanted her to know he was a gentleman..He was purely doing this to help out a friend and nothing more.

[the-magical-garden]

Regarding Allurance

Soooo since many people are confused, and even angry, about Allurance, I wanted to do a breakdown about the past and possible outcomes on what appears to be Lance and Allura’s relationship!

As far as it goes right now, literally EVERY SINGLE SHIP has gotten a moment. Plance has had the hand holds, ‘Don’t you touch her!’ and ‘Lance/Pidge, No!”. Klance has had the entire episode of when Sendak’s crystal corrupted the Castle of Lions, Lance almost stepping down as the Red Paladin, and Lance trying to bolster Keith’s confidence as a leader. Kallura has had the entire Taujeer episode, and the arc of Allura coming to terms with the fact that Galra does not come hand in hand with evil. Shallura (even tho Shiro has been confirmed gay, therefore, Shallura might be dead) has had Shiro and Allura being the actual parents of the daycare that is Voltron. Sheith has had literally Keith and Shiro’s entire relationship, especially Keith telling Shiro he’s like a brother to him, and he loves him. Punk has had Pidge and Hunk geeking out over nerdism. Alluratt (is that it?) literally gives Matt an entire anime as f sequence declaring his love to Allura. Hunay is self-explanatory. And so on and so forth. The point is, is that finding ‘proof’ for ships doesn’t work much anymore. There is proof on all sides, and at this point, and just focusing on proof, we’d end up with a ‘Murder on the Orient Express’ ending where they all just end up dating each other. But we know this is not going to be the case, because we’ve only gotten two confirmed LGBTQ+ characters in Voltron, and the managers would definitely red light a huge polyamory relationship. And I highly doubt the majority of Voltron’s target audience would be would be happy with that.  Also, sorry about a long paragraph on all ships, this post is supposed to be about Allurance.

So, my point is that all relationships have been explored to some extent, and by purely looking at what the showrunners have given us, we have an impasse with over 12 different forks in the road as to who could end up together. Focusing on the current content might not work anymore for any ship, except for Allurance.

It is very clear that Allura has started to reciprocate feelings for Lance, due to the self-explanatory blushing on both sides in season 7. Plus Veronica teasing Lance about it, even if it is extremely cliché and a dead giveaway to what the writers are hinting at. Not to ignore Lance dying for Allura, and her bringing him back to life.

The writers are making explicitly clear that they aren’t ‘just friends’ anymore. However, as they explore this road, the end game could be a lot more complicated than we thought.

So, here are my thoughts:

1. You’ve probably heard this a million times, but many people are complaining that Lance is Allura’s rebound. Which I totally see.

2. Lance has not has his own ‘moment’ in the show yet. Pidge has had it with her family, Keith has had it with Leadership, Shiro has had stepping up as the pilot of the Atlas+ literally the entire show (because he is a tortured soul), Allura has had many episodes to show getting over the loss of her father+Altea, and Hunk has had an arc throughout season 7 where he really steps up to the plate as the glue of the team. Lance has not had a serious arc yet, but it has been heavily hinted at in season 2 where he describes his teammates. He goes off on a tangent, and says. “Maybe I don’t have a thing. I mean, the team wouldn’t have me stick around if I didn’t contribute, right?” He’s also had his moment of almost quitting Voltron through feeling like he is a replaceable cog in the wheel. + possible foreshadowing in the Voltron book.This kind of characterization and the growth required to overcome this personal issue is much more than a ‘and the moral of the story is: ___” episode. So, we know Lance hasn’t tackled this arc in his story yet. So we only have season 8 left for this!

Which brings me to my next point.

3. Lance will become aware that he is, in fact, comparable to Allura’s rebound. And with his whole inferiority complex, that would hit hard. His entire flirty and cocky nature is about making himself feel less inadequate. He is basically walking insecurity. This is doubled, by being constantly compared and reminded of Keith back at the Garrison. Knowing that, to someone he loves, he is only the second choice, would really force his confidence issue to light. It would probably take up an entire 1-2 episodes to cover this topic. By forcing the hand of his insecurities using Allurance as a part of the driving force, we could deduct that Allurance has a possibility of not working out because of this, and it could only exist for the sake of plot and Lance’s road to maturity and true confidence.

4. A bonus point I would like to make is the possibility of Lance not getting with anyone at all. Lance’s whole thing at the beginning of the series and throughout it is impressing the ladies. A big part of his characterization, would either be finally going after someone he really cares about, or stepping away from dating all together. I mean, what an arc that would be, amirite?

5. So, if Allurance is purely a plot point in Lance’s character arc, we have the possibility of it not being the end game. The whole purpose of Allurance could be giving Lance confidence after the issue of being ‘second best’ comes up.

6. Another complaint I’ve been seeing is that Allurance’s relationship is only now beginning to develop, in the second to last, if not last, season. Many people are like: “So, are you kidding me??? When it comes to relationships, it is always developed from early on, not rushed! This is forced!” And while I agree, the Voltron crew are pro-fess-ion-als. They write for a living. They have lovingly created the characters that we adore on screen. We can talk all we want about Voltron’s writing ‘weak points’, but at the end of the day, this is a kids show. Some points are going to be weaker. But, my point is, if they want to genuinely develop Allurance in season 8, they are going to do a fantastic job of it. Can you imagine them delving deep into the two’s relationship in the last season? And getting attached to Allurance as a pairing? It gets me excited thinking about the possibility of a nicely developed relationship.

I mean, except for if they go forward with Kacxa. In which case, all hope is lost. But that is a whole other topic.

In conclusion, Allurance is going to be a thing. At least for a couple of episodes. Whether it stays or not is going to be the big question. And if it’s canon, great! It was already hinted at (but not developed!) at the beginning. If not, great! It’s part of further developing our Cuban Boy’s character.

What do you guys think? Please keep negativity to a minimum. I know that shipping can be controversial in the Voltron fandom, but I’m only hear to get my thoughts out. Not to fight anyone, and not to diss/kill someone else’s ship.

(Also, I had to change some of the wording because I made a Sheith shipper mad. Sorry, my dude ;( that was no beuno of me.)

[saitouh]

It’s ironic that you are actually employing the insult that people are living in the stone age so unironically, that I’m going to throw back this very same line into your face: Are you living in the ice age? 

Like. I’m gobsmacked. I’m shaking with utter amusement at this hilarity. 

You didn’t know what OT3 means, and you still don’t, and you have proven that you don’t know what slut-shaming means. 

Here’s a fcking definition of OT3 for you, since you have willfully refused to use Google (is it very hard for you? To keep up with technology in this era?) 

OJQ, WHY WON’T YOU GOOGLE? TO THIS DAY WHY WON’T YOU GOOGLE?

OT3 = THREE WAY SEX. The lack of self-awareness and utter stupidity of someone like you leaving a fcking comment on a HINOWA, TSUKUYO AND SEITA art that has NOTHING to do with you on an innocent jp fanartist’s page. But ok, you insisted time and again you weren’t wrong for using this term. You’re utterly shameless. 

Scantily-clad does not mean “dressing sexy”, you reverberating fool. 

I don’t know what gave you the right to come up with your own definition of “SCANTILY CLAD”, but continue to blast off more stupidity out of your mouth. 

Tsukuyo = is almost naked, I see.

Tsukuyo = DrEsSiNG SEXY????? 

SEXY?????? IN THIS CLOTHING???? SHE HAD AN ARM OUT. A SLIT DOWN THE SIDE. “SEXY”???? SEXY????

ALMOST NAKED????? WHAT 

I’m going to ask u in return. ARE U LIVING IN THE FCKING ICE AGE? 

“DRESSING PROVOCATIVELY”???? ARE YOU A MINDLESS OTAKU? THIS??? THIS IS CONSIDERED “PROVOCATIVE”??? 

“NOTHING IN MY STATEMENT SUGGESTS THAT I THINK HER DRESSING IS INAPPROPRIATE” 

I can’t believe you had the nerve to say this outright.

I’m going to use the S word. Your stupidity could shorten anyone’s life span just by reading your shit. That is why I had to take 2384278 deep breaths to rejuvenate the oxygen I’ve lost since reading this whole garbage thread in September before answering you in full right now.

Listen carefully, OJQ. 

YOU BASICALLY MOCKED HER BY FIRST BRINGING HER FEMININITY INTO QUESTION AND SUMMARILY ATTACKED HER FOR BEING “SCANTILY-CLAD”, WHEN THE FACT IS THAT TSUKUYO IS NEITHER WEARING “SEXY” NOR PROVOCATIVE CLOTHING. 

NOR IS SHE “ALMOST NAKED” AS DEFINED BY THE DICTIONARIES OF WHAT “SCANTILY-CLAD” IS. 

IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT, YOU CLAIMED THAT NOTHING IN YOUR “STATEMENT” SUGGESTED HER DRESSING IS APPROPRIATE.

WHAT THE FCK ARE YOU BLABBERING ABOUT, MADAM? JUST WHAT THE FCK ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT? 

I’m going to use the S word again. 

The entirety of this tweet is soaked with stupidity, and spitefulness simply because she’s a threat to your SHIP. 

You attacked a woman for her femininity, her grappling with her femininity, her womanhood, and you judged her for HER CLOTHING, HER MAKEUP, HER CHOICE OF SHOEWEAR. Your level of cognitive dissonance is staggering. I’m fcking disgusted. But okay, go off.

She’s showing thighs. She has two arms out. But of course not a single Gintae like you would find Sacchan’s clothing problematic, and none of you would ever, ever call find fault with her clothing and call her “scantily-clad”, because she factually isn’t a threat to you, Gintaes. 

And IF, IF one day poor Sacchan happens to struggle with her womanhood or femininity like Tsukuyo does, all of you would erupt immediately with disingenuous coos of sympathy. 

TSUKUYO, THOUGH. (Because actual women has NEVER wavered in issues with their self-worth, not even once, AMIRITE???)

I simply have never seen such a high-level of denial coming from anyone before you. “Projecting their distorted perceptions about Sue on us”

Sue is actually a great name, OJQ, but Sue is not Tsukuyo, you dumb bitch. Do you ever see me calling Otae by any other name than Otae or Tae? 

And Holy shit, Buddha would smack you on the head with a plank. You have no sense of awareness whatsoever. 

I repeat. You slut-shamed Tsukuyo, using definitions YOU MADE UP on the fly to defend your weak-ass argument, yet in the end, those ‘definitions’ don’t even apply to what you were trying to claim they mean. 

And now, after making ALL those shit accusations on Tsukuyo, you turn it around and act like you were blamed?

WHAT THE FCK? Your ego is sooo massive that it automatically repudiates your fcked-up actions in the middle of a contradictory defense, by shifting the blame to Gintsuki fans????  WHAT THE FCK! 

You’re an utter embarrassment. You’re foaming at the mouth and blabbing without knowing a fck you are talking about. For the love of Buddha and all living animals, check the meaning of SLUT-SHAMING again. 

There’s honestly something wrong with you since you refuse to do something as basic as GOOGLING. You’re like one of those people who live under their own little rocks. 

Saigo IS BOTH a man and a woman. MAKEUP DOES NOT CHANGE WHO HE IS. In the same vein, Tsukuyo wearing makeup does NOT change who she is. Whether she is struggling with her femininity, whether she tries to throw her womanhood away is UTTERLY IRRELEVANT to whether she wears makeup or not. WHY THE FCK ARE YOU SO INSISTENT TO ASSOCIATE MAKEUP WITH WOMEN SO BADLY? I’m going to ask you again, ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN THE ICE AGE???? 

I said this before, I’m going to repeat it --- Tsukuyo had expressly REFUSED to wear makeup when Gintoki visited. This pig, Gintoki, in turn called her “dull” because of her choice. Without missing a beat, without getting hurt in the process by his inconsiderate words, she attacked him where it hurt the most -- his hair. YOU, a woman, YOU ARE attacking her for WHAT EXACTLY?

Makeup is NOT JUST A FORM OF EXPRESSING FEMININITY. Gintama has explicitly rehashed the topic of gender and gender roles again and again, yet you still fail to understand such a basic concept. I’m going to ask you again, ARE YOU STILL LIVING IN THE ICE AGE???? 

OH I SEE. NOW THE DEFENSE HAS SHIFTED TO “WE ARE DISCUSSING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS HERE”. WAIT FOR IT. IF YOU GUYS THOUGHT THE BEST IS OVER, YOU ARE WRONG. IT GETS BETTER! 

“Shipping an 18 yo with her sexual predator”

If you mean Kondou, I want to know how is he a sexual predator. 

My friend here answered this best, so make sure you fucking read it.

Seriously. DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THE WHOLE LOT OF SHINSENGUMI GUYS WOULD STAND BY KONDOU IF HE IS A SEXUAL PREDATOR?

DO YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE HIJIKATA WOULD RISK HIS LIFE FOR A SEXUAL PREDATOR? THAT HE WORSHIPS A SEXUAL PREDATOR? HIJIKATA??? YOU THINK THAT HE WOULD DEFEND A SEXUAL PREDATOR? 

OTAE? SHE WOULD DEFEND A SEXUAL PREDATOR??? PUT HER NECK OUT FOR HIM??? KONDOU??? 

Just what the FCK are you going about, madam ice age? 

Otae is not a fcking idiot. She will not shed a tear for someone who isn’t worth it. She has beaten up Gintoki for leeching Tama’s hard-earned wages. She has gone head to head with Yakuza gang members. The shinsengumi boys are in fear and awe of her. YOU THINK OTAE WOULD RISK HER LIFE FOR A SEXUAL PREDATOR??? WHAT THE FCK?!

Also, Otae is 20 years old now. NOT 18. Get the age of your fucking fave girl right.

“Get off the high moral ground. You’re the one who uses the R word to insult people”

I don’t see any moral ground, OJQ. There are only either decency or stupidity. Decency is not using any offensive word on innocents, or people who actually matter. NGAF means I would use words like stupid, dumbfcks, fcktards, bitches and even FCK YOU to insult people like you. 

“It’s you and your people who send death threats”

Where the fck have I ever SENT death threats? You bitches keep repeating this lie. DO YOU MEAN THE TWEETS YOU ALL HAVE CAPPED ME AND POSTED THEM MONTHS AGO? You call those ‘death threats’ ??? The tweets are still up there. I have NOT deleted them. They are properly dated. Go and re-read them again. I want to know in what capacity, shape or form those DEATH THREATS. Did I say, “GO AND DIE, KILL YOURSELF, I WILL KILL YOU, I WILL STRANGLE YOU TO DEATH” 

?????

DID I SAY THAT? 

I never said any of those things. All I said was, I wished you would break your fingers so you could STOP typing bullshit. BUT OKAY, TO YOU, THIS IS A DEATH THREAT! 

Like, why the fck am I surprised, since defending Tsukuyo in a fcking scene that didn’t happen apparently meant that I was mocking rape victims.

Or are you going to invoke the example where you or your friends blackmailed me???? “STOP POSTING OR I AM GOING TO SLASH MY WRIST” That’s what you guys did. A year later, I’m still in shock at this vile tactic. 

Fandom, you honestly went that far.

But honestly, considering that people like you have no fcking clue what slut-shaming or something as basic as OT3 is, I wouldn’t be surprised that you don’t even know what DEATH THREATS are.

“ATTACKING PEOPLE’S PERSONAL LIVES” 

You mean when your gang attacked a Gintsuki shipper and laughed at her, calling her a whore? You mean when you ridiculed her for dropping out of college? You mean when some of you shit on other people’s feelings while putting your own needs ahead of theirs? Out of consideration for my friends and their fear of getting mobbed again, there are many caps I HAVE NOT posted up. 

You keep saying I am on some moral high ground. Please. Why do you see me as such? Please don’t confuse me with someone who sees herself as a saint because I sure as hell don’t see myself as one. If not I would not even be using the B word and throw it around on you bitches so generously. 

And here we are at the end of this saga. “TSUKUYO IS A WORK OF FICTION!!! BUT GINSUES HAVE BEEN INSULTING TAE SINCE 2009!!!”

Lmao. Gintsukis??? Do you know them by name? Have you confronted them like a woman? Have I insulted Otae? Have my friends insulted Otae? I know most of you all your usernames because you bitches wouldn’t stop insulting Tsukuyo since 2011. Have we insulted Otae? Name us pls?

You don’t go berserk about Gintae and Otae? You don’t??? Are you sure??? 

Please, OJQ. Everyone sees what your fandom does. Everyone sees you throwing tantrums everywhere. On Facebook, on Reddit, Tumblr, and Twitter. You even go around trying to shove Gintae into people’s throats with the most asinine of theories and I have not once written shit about Otae but your whole lot have continued to harass Gintsuki fanartists, general fans with your perpetual BS.

This entire tweet is full of hypocrisy and stupidity, I don’t even have the energy. 

Apparently only YOU are allowed to do whatever you want to Tsukuyo, but other people aren’t allowed to criticize Otae. 

Do you even read what you have written? Because I’m going to use your same lines and throw them back in your face.

Otae doesn’t belong to you people. Fans are allowed to discuss her character whenever and however they want. Otae is FICTIONAL. 

If your lot calls Tsukuyo WEAK (untrue), and makes up continual shit for saying she forces her feelings onto Gintoki (lmao she doesn’t), then you can put up with people calling Otae violent (because this is at least true).

[seoulscenarios]

Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?

Genre: light angsty fluff, high school au, female reader insert

Member(s): Stray Kids’ Minho (ft. Jisung and the lads)

Word count: 2991

Warnings: light swearing, light pda at the end

Summary: you and Minho had been best friends since you could walk but it seems only you had developed a crush on him. Will a late class and a small two man production of Romeo and Juliet change his mind or does he really not like you? Featuring the rest of the crackheads with their leader, Han Jisung, love is in the air at school and a certain someone is just oblivious to it.

Authors note: based off the following request “All time fav cliché best friends to lovers with Minho (stray kids) angsty fluff where reader (preferably female) thinks her love is one sided, but turns out it’s not. Good ending”. I hope this is something to what you wanted and sorry it’s not heavy on the angst pls enjoy !!

-You and Minho had een best friends for years and you always had the tiniest crush on Minho but it escalated a lot over the summer as Minho glowed UP

-Wow u are whipped

-However whipped as you are for him he never seemed to reciprocate it

-Ever

-You even went out with on valentine’s day 3 (three?!) years in a row but his thick skull didn’t acknowledge it and just thought it was another friends doing friends things

-So, you moved on

-I mean he’s your best friend you can’t let your crush get in the way of things

-You were there for him whenever he argued with his parents or friends, he was stressed about school or failed a test and uwu

-You’re just the bestest of friends and everyone is jealous (tho most think you are dating)

-So,,,,,

-You guys always hang out in school together bc you’re in the same friendship group

-And youre in most of the same classes, so you normally walk together

-WELL

-Minho managed to make the BOTH of you late to ur first class bc his dumb ass slept through his alarm and u had to basically drag him out of bed lmao

-So u rock up late for class

-Ur teacher is NOT impressed

-So as a punishment they give u a script of a play and told to learn it by next week

-U groan when u see the title of the play

-Romeo and Juliet

- Oh no

-This won’t end well

-You glance at Minho to see if he has any reaction bc,,,,, hello ur dying on the inside and probably the outside and you can hear Jisung and felix trying to hold in their laughs at u

-(you make a mental note to beat their asses later)

-And Minho

-Is very unfazed as he flicks through the script

-Ur kinda disappointed

-I mean it’s not fair how you’re a literal MESS trying not to let the floor swallow u up in embarrassment tbh

-So,, the two of you practice outside of class at ur guys’ house and you can’t help but notice how utterly unfazed he was by this whole ordeal

-Ur both literally reciting the most well-known love story on this planet and yet,,,,, nothing

-Not an ounce of feeling that he likes you

-I mean,,, he’s not a bad actor and his romeo makes u SWOON but honestly you swoon for irl Minho not just romeo Minho

-As you stutter over some of the lovey-dovey lines u hear Minho laugh a little and tells u to redo it

-his little shit

-After a week of practice, you guys are ready to perform this goddamn piece

-I may add that ur teacher only gave you the condensed version and not the whole play

-It just so happens that the condensed version only focuses on romeo and juliet’s love

-Bc English teachers amirite?

-So the two of you turn up to class ON TIME this week, not wanting to get ur ass beat again

-And ur just the tiniest bit nervous bc !!!! hello !!!! ur performing with ur crush !!!!

-U glance over at ur seatmate Jisung who gives u a big thumbs up

-BREATHE Y/N

-Everything is going well, u don’t stutter and Minho is just the perfect romeo

-Until the final scene I may add

-As you lay “dying” as Juliet, Minho runs onto the scene and spots u laying down

-He walks up to u and goes to kneel

-BUT

-Before you both knew it, he stumbled

-And fell

-Right

-On

-Top

-Of

-You

-Lips centimetres apart from each other

-OWO what’s this

-U swear the whole class are holding their breaths and can hear ur damn heartbeat

-U stare at Minho in shock for what must have been a minute

-Neither one of you tearing ur eyes apart from the other

-It wasn’t until you hear ur teacher cough slightly that the two of you snap out of it and Minho pulls away

-He finishes the scene off with no problem and honestly,,,, u don’t even register it’s over until Minho offers his hand to help you stand up

-You grab it, flushing a hella lot bc,,,,, u nearly kissed ur crush in front of ur whole class RIP

-Ur teacher was impressed with u guys and let you off the next assignment ur class had (if only u were aware of this then u would hear the whole class esp Jisung groan)

-As u go back to ur seat,,, ur eyes drift back to Minho and ur thoughts go back to that last scene and his lips……

-“yah Y/N ! u and minho were so close I swear you were gonna kiss you shoulda seen ur face!!!!! I thought for real that Minho was just gonna plant one on you !”

-Smh Jisung

-Poor baby,,, u just sit in shock trying to concentrate

-Hint: it doesn’t work

-Ur plagued with thoughts of Minho for the rest of the day,,,,, I mean you already were but now it’s like sensory overload but with Minho

-But u know he doesn’t like you

-Lmao why would he

-He surely would’ve spoken to you about by now esp after that near kiss in class

-But this dumbass is still oblivious

-School ends and ur trying to forget about the near kiss

-But in this, you forget that Minho has a habit of walking you home

-So there he is

-Leaning on your locker waiting for you to turn up

-YOU SWOON BC NO ONE SHOULD LOOK THAT HOT IN SCHOOL UNIFORM FOR PETE’S SAKE

-His blazer was off, shirt sleeves rolled up, blonde hair tousled and wavy (ladies, imagine Minho like this I’m crying)

-U feel ur heart literally stutter

-I swear that’s a medical condition Y/N

-“Let’s stop by the convenience store, my treat” he smiles down at you as he moves out the way so u can get to ur locker

-Dude,,,,, u need to stop before I melt into the floor

-“Uhhhh I can’t I have,,,,,, a study session at the library gotta work on some literature stuff u know ahaha”

-Minho frowns but doesn’t react massively

-Secretly he thinks its hella cute that ur tryna avoid him but that’s for another time

-“Okay, don’t study too hard and I’ll treat you another time. Text me when you get home”

-UWU

-Anyone who overhears this would be like wow 10/10 relationship goals tbh

-U however, a self-proclaimed dumbass, don’t dwell on it too much

-You guys tend to grab food after school together

-ANYWAYS

-Minho pulls you in for a hug before leaving

-Oof ur heart is stuttering again

-How you made it to the library for ur study session is a wonder tbh

-25 minutes later finds you groaning into ur books cursing minho’s name

-That’s when u realise 2 things, 1) that wow ur a FOOL bc there is no literature homework bc of ur work from earlier and 2) Minho is very bad for your health and u gotta avoid him for ur own sake

-U walk into school with this resolve

-It doesn’t work

-Minho is in practically every single one of ur classes

-So u practically have to run from each class to avoid him

-Which leaves Minho very confused

-He doesn’t walk with anyone else from class or treat them like he does to you

-Which makes Jisung very jealous,,, bc why can’t Minho treat him like this

-Little did you know Minho has a PHAT crush on you and Jisung is PLAGUED by the both of u gushing about the other

-Jisung is MEDITATING

-So when you start avoiding him even more Minho is extremely put out bc what does he do now who does he spend time with now

-(jeongin: we’re still here hyung!!!)

-Being the good friend he is, he gives u space but is still v sad about it

-And honestly, ur sad too bc as much as you love spending time with Jisung,,,,,, he’s no Minho lmao

-One night after school Minho is kicking round the football field with the others and that’s when he realises

-He’d much rather spend his time with you

-It’s not that he doesn’t love his friends, he just happens to love you even more

-But how can he reach out to you when ur avoiding him still

-Jisung notices how glazed over Minho’s eyes and knows

-*cracks knuckles* it’s time

-Jisung sends Minho home telling him to grow some chest hair n text u lmao

-Minho does go home but does not text you bc he’s just a nervous boy

-Jisung to the lads: “now he’s gone, we gotta make a plan for the two lovebirds they’re so BLIND I’m sick of it I might just confess to Minho myself”

-Chan: “……….”

-Jisung: “that was a joke old man, let’s focus pls ladies”

-So the plan

-Was it an elaborate one?

-Definitely not

-Lmao have u seen these kids they’re a bunch of crackheads

-Baso,,,, they’re just following the classic let’s text them separately to meet up as a front but SIKE it’s just the two of you alone

-Fool proof right?

-Somehow it is???

-Shocking??

-The two of you don’t expect anything is going on

-So it’s the weekend when the plan is put into action

-It’s been 17 days since you last spoke to Minho not that you had been counting haahaha okay yesyouhaveitsnotlikeyoumisshimoranything

-You wake up to a text from Jisung saying that him, felix, hyunjin, and changbin were going for ice cream and whether you wanted to go

-Which duh??? Ice cream???

-U needed it so you dragged yourself out of bed to get ready

-Little did you know that Minho too had received a text from Woojin saying that him and the others (a.k.a the family,,,,, Woojin, chan, seungmin and jeongin) were going for ice cream

-And Minho wasn’t passing up the chance esp when there was a high probability that chan would pay lmao

-*in the master gc of getting Minho and Y/N together*

-Jisung: excellent

-So 1pm rolls by and ur there at the ice cream parlour waiting for the others to rock up

-U go to order bc honestly boys take so long to get ready istg

-As you give ur order a voice behind goes “and a matcha ice cream as well please”

-U FREEZE

-Why of all the ppl to turn up

-It’s the one ur trying to avoid

-U turn to face him

-“Minho?”

-“Y/N?”

-Felix, somewhere: beYONCE?

-Ur in shock bc 1) why is here? 2) who allowed him to look so good in white ripped jeans ur DYING HERE 3) where is everyone else?

-That’s when u realise

-Jisung is a snake and ur friendship is over

-Y/N is taking applications for a new friend who isn’t called Han Jisung thank you

-Ur heart is stuttering bc Minho looks so boyfriend ur not okay

-Safe to say those 17 days did NOTHING in swaying your crush on him

-“Is that all?” oh yikes yeah this isn’t a drama scene Y/N where ur crush confesses to u, someone has to pay at this point and the queue behind the two of u is getting impatient lmao

-You whip around blushing “uh yeah that’s everything” u reply stuttering and trying to whip out ur card

-Before you can, Minho’s arm stretches out in front of u and taps the machine in front of you

-Istg u feel butterflies in ur stomach at Minho being in such close contact with u

-U can feel the heat radiating on ur back

-You get ur ice cream and u go to leave the shop but Minho grabs your arm

-U turn to him questioningly to be met with slightly hurt eyes

-Did I do that to him?

-Yes u fool

-“Sit with me. Please?”

-How can you refuse that

-……………

-It’s so awkward

-“Are you okay? Why are you avoiding me? Did something happen? Just let me know if you’re okay?”

-Owo my heart

-“uh,, no nothing’s happening….. I’m just busy u know??? Hahaaha school is really kicking my ass”

-Minho just nods and takes a spoonful of ice cream so u do the same

-“Just let me know if I can help you in anyway, I’m always here for you. Don’t suffer alone, I hate seeing you so down?”

-………….

-…………

-Honestly,,,,, u just about melt at this

-Putting ur spoon down and u look at him

-Now or never, Y/N

-“Okay…. I’ll let you know what’s the real problem. It’s you, mr lee Minho.”

-Minho is SHOCKED why is he the problem

-“uhhhhhh”

-“Please let me finish or else I’ll never have the courage to do this again. You have no right to be stealing my heart yet again by nearly kissing me in the middle of class. Do you know how embarrassing that was, I really just wanted to kiss you and I would’ve combusted if you did but you didn’t which made it worse. Why didn’t you kiss me? I’ve literally been sending you signals for nearly two years, and that’s saying something because I saw you in your awkward teen phase and still liked you, and you haven’t even responded. So I avoided you because my heart keeps stuttering whenever I’m near you I’m surprised you can’t hear it. I mean you’re so hot I just wanna kiss you, especially since that day all I can think about is your lips as you were SO close to me this is the worst time to confess but I really like you Lee Minho.”

-And breathe Y/N

-And Minho is no better

-How dare his crush confess before he can smh

-He sits in shocked silence trying to process this information

-You, however, are dying

-That’s it, he’s not replying he doesn’t like you Y/N LEAVE

-So u try to

-But as you stand up so does Minho

-And his hand shoots out to grab your shirt and he just plants one on you ????? in the middle of a damn ice cream parlour?????

-UWU

-Ur in shock

-The man of your dreams,,,,, kissing you ???? more likely than you think ??? so u kiss him back ??? ofc u do how could you not

-It tastes of matcha and strawberry ice cream and something,,, so inherently Minho u just wanna keep kissing him tbh

-Y’all break apart and honestly,, you sit back down in shock

-“That…. Was some confession Y/N”

-“Shut up!”

-“Hey, it’s okay babe. I like you too. Sorry my confession isn’t as grand as yours but,,,, I like you and always have done”

-….

-Oh

-“So please, Y/N, be my girlfriend” his hand stretches across the table nervously

-You smile as u see his hand creep across the table and you reach for him, intertwining your fingers

-He smiles back even bigger and pulls you out of the shop

-You guys had a lot of time to make up for ajbfaiubsag

-So,,, Monday rocks around and you walk to school with Minho this time, rather than mooching in with headphones in

-You guys walk to your normal spot before school starts and Minho is telling you some story about Felix, Changbin and Hyunjin when u hear a scream and lots of wolf whistles

-Spoiler: it’s Jisung and the lads

-“YOU OWE ME MONEY I TOLD YOU THIS PLAN WOULD WORK THEY’RE HOLDING HANDS! I AM THE DOCTOR OF LOVE, HAN JISUNG”

-You laugh as you take a seat next to him as chan grumbles about his wallet being drained AGAIN by his kids’ appetites

-As the hollering quietened down Jisung taps ur shoulder

-“Sooo, you guys are official now? After years of pining ???”

-Rather than deigning Jisung with a worded response a wicked plan forms in ur head

-You tapped Minho’s shoulder to divert his attention from Seungmin

-As he faced you, you grabbed his tie and pulled him in for a kiss

-He was a little shocked at how brazen you were bc hello this is school and these are ur friends but honestly,,, he freaking LOVED it

-He smiled into the kiss and one hand rested on your waist as the other rested on your jaw pulling you deeper into the kiss

-“there ARE CHILDREN HERE OH MY GOD” u heard chan yell distantly

-You couldn’t help but break apart from Minho, laughing as you catch chan covering jeongin’s eyes in distress

-You turned back to Jisung

-“Does that answer your question?”

[samanthassandcastle]

13 Tips For Making Your Semester Just a bit Easier

Why hello there. I'm a graduate, which is super scary to say. I also am a perpetual student and as someone with mental illnesses, school can be hard. I mean, it's hard for a lot of reasons, lets be real. It can also be a wonderful experience. Below, I've listed 13 of my personal methods of helping my year be just a bit easier. Will they work for you? Maybe. I can't possibly know that, only you can. Bear that in mind. If you know something wouldn't work for you, ignore it. There's no harm in that. :)

Read the effing syllabus

No lie. Every single class I had at my last university had a quiz on the syllabus during the first week. They’re incredibly important because they typically have a calendar of assignments, tell you when you’re going to be doing things, give you policy information, have a grading breakdown, and have all of the required materials, not to mention your class and professor information.

Plan your semester

After you get all your syllabi, make a master calendar. I got one of the monthly calendars from the target dollar spot, or really anywhere like amazon, staples, office depot, etsy, target, etc. I personally used bullet journaling and created my own planner. I went over the top and color coded the classes, but you can simply put the class and the assignment on the date it’s due. This helps make sure you always know what’s coming and aren’t blind sighted when it comes due. You don’t even have to do it in a paper planner. One of my classmates scheduled reminders on her iPhone on the due dates. She said it took forever, but she liked it.

seek out accommodations

This may not be as obvious, but is tremendously important. my second semester I was taking six classes in the same department and just all happened to have projects due around the same time. I was having an incredibly hard time keeping up because I have severe anxiety and would become overwhelmed incredibly easily. I couldn’t take any less classes because my major courses were on cycles and that was the only time they were offered and I had a specific time frame to finish, so don’t start with that. My point is that when I realized that it was becoming an issue, I spoke to my school’s disability services and received accommodations from my professors. It’s contractual, and they cannot ask what the disability is, and they’re required to uphold whatever you and they agree on. I was allowed more free absences than the “unpenalized” ones, and a leniency with due dates, provided I let the prof know what was going on, generally. I always said that I was having a “flare up” because that’s not violating my privacy, but still allowed the prof to understand that I was having an issue. Most schools don’t require formal documentation from a doctor, but I had it, so I provided it. Some even are very lenient, and will have the on campus health services help you out too. 

don’t be afraid of being less than perfect

I went into school telling myself that I was going to be on the deans list, have a 4.0, and have all of the regalia when I graduated. That didn’t happen. What did happen was that I had 95 units in five semesters. Yes, that averages 19 a semester, but the way I did it was hell. First semester I had 5 classes- 18 units, second semester I had 5 classes, band, and lessons - 21 units, the six week summer I had 4 classes, one of which was a one on one which I will talk about later - 15 units, my last fall semester was 6 classes and band - 23 units, and my final semester was 5 classes and band - 18 units. Needless to say there was no way I was getting that 4.0. What did happen was I joined an honor society, was on the editing staff for the literary journal, got two articles published in the school paper, was on the executive board for a national club, and commuted 45 minutes each way, every day and sometimes weekends, for two and a half years, and ended up with a 3.2. Not only that but I had regalia for my honor society and my club, and I set a precedent for future students and got an award at the end of year honor’s banquet. I don’t think that I did too shabby, and I don’t regret not getting that 4.0.

apparel matters but not how you think

We all know that the brain is weird. For instance, if I throw on leggings and a tee immediately when I wake up, my brain is in chill mode. This is why I rarely wore loungy clothes to school. I even dressed up on Fridays, calling it fancy Friday because I love alliterations. This tactic might help you stay in the correct brain space, or not. I don’t know how your brain works. I do know that someone looked into the relationship between clothes and mood, so it can't all be rubbish.

go to office hours

So many times I heard people complain because they don’t understand something, or that the prof is being too hard on them or other things, but there’s one thing that can help with that. Go to office hours. Your profs set them up for a reason. That’s where you can get help with assignments, clarification on things, or help in other academic things. They won’t bite you I promise. You may even grow an amazing academic relationship with them. My advisor was one of my profs. She is a very intimidating woman in the classroom but a completely different prof in her office. In speaking to her about my graduation plans and needs and such she did the amazing thing of teaching me a one on one, honors, independent study, of one of the classes that she teaches that was out of cycle, so that I would be able to graduate on time. Granted, cramming an entire semester of books to read into six weeks of once a week sessions was INSANE, but it was one of my favorite classes, and an amazing thing that she did for me.

take advantage of free things

Free things are literally the best, amirite? Go to the events because they typically have free food. My school, around midterms and finals had free test taking kits with pencils and test booklets. I believe that there were a ton of free events and things for residents, but I lived off campus and commuted a long time, so I rarely did things. I did however, get a free shirt at nearly every event I went to, and got a sweet tumbler just before I graduated.

seek out associations and clubs

I am a(n inactive) member of the Phi Alpha Theta honor society because of my grades in my history courses and an alumnae of the Kappa Phi Club which is a national Christian sisterhood similar to traditional Greek life, but founded on different ideals and values. -I could go on and on about Kappa Phi, so don't get me started. :)- Both of these organizations can be started at your school if they aren't already available. By seeking out associations and clubs and the like, there are innumerable opportunities for you. As a member of PAT I have scholarship opportunities for grad school and Kappa Phi has given me amazing friendships to women across the country and will grant me leadership opportunities in the future.

don't be afraid to talk to professors like they’re real people

News flash: they are. They have feelings. I adopted a kitten from one of my profs, and I’ve babysat his children. I formed a close enough friendship with a different prof to be able to write his end of semester evaluation in emojis, which ended up in his tenure package. With forming relationships with your profs, they are able to know more about who you are and will be able to write you amazing letters of recommendation in the future.

mental health days are important

As part of my accommodations, I was given a leniency with attendance and I was able to take mental health days. I didn’t take a lot, maybe on average three a semester, but they helped me so much that if I hadn’t taken them, I would have fallen behind in my work. Your mental health is so important in school. Please don’t mentally drain yourself so that you can achieve “perfection.”

do more early on in the semester

This may seem like a silly thing, but it helps in the long run. After you go through your syllabus, take a look at things that look like they’re easy to do, or wouldn’t take long and do them the first couple weeks. Sometimes, if it’s an online submission, you can even submit it early and not have to deal with it. I did that for one of my senior projects and was incredibly happy that I did. While all of my classmates were struggling or hadn’t even started the couple weeks before it was due, I had mine finished and was just waiting to turn it in. That took the load from 5 senior projects to do to 4, and with them all due the same week it was a tremendous help.

be aware of your spending

$4 here and there at the coffee shop or quick mart on your campus may seem like nothing, but it adds up. I realized one semester that I had spent nearly $100 in one month just on coffee, which I could easily make at home, so that’s what I did. I made coffee at home and sometimes lunch and was able to keep better track on my spending.

noms are important

Sometimes it’s hard to make the cafeteria hours for meals, especially if you’re an athlete with practice during the meal times. This is why snacks are super important, or quick meals that you can make at home or in your dorm. During the summer my class started before the coffee shop opened so I couldn’t grab food there, so I started making overnight oats. I took a mason jar and filled it about half way with dry quick oatmeal, put other things (my fave was peanut butter and jelly) inside it and filled it the rest of the way with almond milk or soy milk because ya girl can’t have dairy, then put the lid on and popped it in the fridge before bed, and in the morning I had breakfast to eat in class.

There you have it. Easy peasy, right? Duh. I hope something here helped you, and if it did, let me know. If you have any to add, also let me know. I wish you the best of luck with your semester and the rest of your year! 

xoxo s

[aseriesofthrills]

Suzie Is Back

Suzie is back, and so are long, overly emotional, rambling posts.

I matched with Suzie mid-October 2020. Caileigh and I had broken up earlier that summer after 3.5 years together, and my plan was to take some time off dating to “figure myself out.” Caileigh was the first person I ever dated, so I thought being single and out at the same time - for the first time - was a necessary step in figuring out my identity as an individual. Well, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there’s this big thing called a Global Pandemic going on that’s forcing us all to choose between our physical health and a social life. Put simply, I was lonelier than America’s Dad Tom Hanks on a deserted island before he found Wilson. Or maybe even lonelier than America’s Dad Tom Hanks after he struck up a friendship with Wilson, because after all, Wilson was a volleyball. I wanted to find my Wilson.

And boy did I find a lot of Wilsons. Unfortunately for me, I found a lot of off-brand Wilsons that were the wrong color, didn’t hold air well, or came out of the box with fabric missing. This is not to say these Wilsons are undesirable. I’m sure any of them would provide solid companionship to the next unfortunate soul whose fallen plane renders them a castaway. They were just not for me.

There was Emily, someone who I had strong feelings for and made me realize I’d really like to date someone who’s also Jewish. I was wowed by her philanthropic agenda of making candles and donating half the proceeds, until she did a very gay thing™ and got back with her ex, which was when I began to wish I instead had simply donated that $100 directly to charity and didn’t have to stare at her Tender Flame (more like Tinder Flame, amirite) candles sprinkled around my house. Looking back, we really were not compatible. Emily taught me that just because you have good banter with someone and a shared belief system, it doesn’t mean you wont clink teeth when you make out for the first time. It might even mean she will be extremely silent while you go down on her for what feels like hours, then not reciprocate because she is… probably thinking about getting back with her ex.

Then there was MK, someone who I’d actually met once before at a Hollywood Ladies Drinks Night Before The World Shut Down We Used To Have It So Good Oh My God. I remember wondering that night if she might be queer, but my gaydar couldn’t figure her out and I was in a relationship so it was a moot point anyway. I was hesitant to send her a “like” on Hinge because what if she didn’t feel the same way and then I ran into her at a work thing in 2023 and she KNOWS I liked HER but we BOTH know SHE didn’t like me BACK and -

It took me 3 seconds to get over that existential crisis because I remembered that thousands of people were dying every day and nothing actually mattered. So I liked one of her photos, and she matched with me in literally 4 minutes. I normally like to talk to someone for at least a few weeks - pandemic or not - before meeting in person, but she almost immediately suggested getting together the following weekend. Maybe that’s just her, or maybe she felt confident that I’m most likely not a serial killer since we have mutual friends, but she went for it and I agreed because I hadn’t yet figured out how to assert my own boundaries. But also, why not. It was just a picnic.

It was not just a picnic. It was a picnic conveniently a few blocks from her apartment. It was a picnic and then it was dinner and sex. I enjoyed spending time together at first, but the more we talked and hung out the more my feelings dissipated. In the middle stretch I thought for a second that I had perhaps cracked the mythical Friends With Benefits code, but after a few more dates I realized the code was far more complicated than I’d originally anticipated and what I thought was the treasure map key was actually just meaningless hieroglyphics and OK I will stop this metaphor now. It was time to take the high road and be honest, which for me manifested in telling her I was going to quarantine the next 2 weeks before flying home so this would be the last time I saw her before 2021 and we should check in when we’re back in LA in January - and then I texted her once I got to Florida to say lets just be friends. Not my proudest moment, but we’re learning.

There were a few other short-lived dalliances, but we all have places to go and people to see (from a distance). Just know I somehow managed to make the Pandemic Year my own personal Slut Year. And we’re using the term slut lovingly, simply to describe that 2020 was the year I managed to sleep with more people than any year prior. Tell me I can’t do something, then watch me work.

If you pay attention to detail, as I’m sure my 2 consistent followers do, you’ll remember Suzie and I matched mid-October which was in the midst of my MK chronicles. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was lovestruck by Suzie just from her Hinge profile and pictures. I don’t mean like, “Oh, she’s pretty, I hope she likes me back.” I mean like, something happened to my brain immediately that can only be described as some version of virtual pheromones invading my bloodstream. It felt uncontrollable and biological. And if we learned anything from Dr. Fauci this year, it’s that science knows best. The first real conversation we had - meaning that sweet sweet moment someone on a dating app finally admits that they, too, were looking at the app at the very same moment you messaged them - felt engaging and electric and right. At the end of the conversation I gave her my number and she immediately texted me “Talk to you tomorrow *kissy emoji*,” which probably made me precum. 

What ensued was months of talking every day. I’ll drone on for paragraphs if I let myself, so I’m not going to let myself. I’ll just say for a while it felt amazing. I liked her so deeply. It took us a good stretch of time before we broached the subject of seeing each other in person, but then a combination of her horrific time management skills (her words), a potential Covid exposure, and a highly contentious presidential election got in the way and lead us down a windy path ultimately culminating in a Zoom first date… a week and a half before I was supposed to fly home for 2 months. The Zoom date was everything I hoped it would be and more. I’d never felt more sad to click “End Meeting For All” but was too giddy to notice. She asked me about my holiday plans, so I told her about my impending travel, and then she more or less said we should have sex before I go. So we did. And it was the best sex of my life. And then I left the state of California, our mutual residence, for 2 months.  

Things were somewhat fine at first - we were still talking every day, with a few more Zooms sprinkled in - but then she went home to New Jersey, and suddenly we weren’t talking every day. It was more like every 3-4 days and rarely in actual conversational form. It was more like me waiting for her to reply, then waiting to respond since she’d waited so long, then we’d do it all over again. I felt anxious and tortured and dejected and had no appetite and my mom asked me on more than one occasion if I was ok. I was not ok. But I told myself to bE cHiLL, something that is often diametrically opposed to my natural state of being. I reminded myself that, despite the fact that we had spoken every day for 2 months - which is practically one step away from engagement in LesbianLand - we had only had one in-person date. I was careful to not make It seem more serious than It was, so instead I workshopped a lot of dramatic WHAT ARE WE? texts that I sent to all of my friends and never to Suzie.

We had mutually agreed upon “See you in January,” so I told myself I’d just ask her to hang out when we got back. Then she postponed her flight to LA for 2 more weeks because our Covid numbers were at a scary peak, the worst it had been since the beginning of the Pandemi Lovato. Finally she told me she’d rebooked her flight for the 15th, and I optimistically thought to myself, “You simply don’t tell someone the exact day you’re getting back into town if you don’t plan on seeing them! Right?” Wrong. I shot my shot, and she shot me down. She replied with a long series of texts explaining that her mental health wasn’t in a good place, and she couldn’t be accountable for communicating effectively. She sprinkled in some compliments for good measure, making sure to take a pit stop in “I think you are so wonderful so please don’t think this has anything to do with you” Town, which was reassuring but did not override my brain’s instinct to rethink everything I’d done and said the past few months. But I felt connected to her on a human level, and I didn’t want to lose that simply because she didn’t want to bump butts anymore, so I suggested we be friends and she enthusiastically agreed. End of conversation.

Until later that night, when she texted me Greetings after landing at LAX. I was confused, but I assumed that just meant she was taking me at my word, and this friendship started n.o.w. What followed was some of the most perplexing behavior I’ve witnessed as a living person and hands down the most confounding I’ve ever experienced in my dating career. She’d text me about a new vibrator she bought, or send me a song link then simply “heart” my response and be done with the exchange. It felt like she was just reminding me she existed, as if my small brain could forget. Sometimes she’d ask me how I was doing and we’d have semblances of a real friendship, but other times she’d tell me that I’m SO HOT or send me DMs of a sexy Phoebe Bridgers photo or a Normal People instagram post of Connell telling Marianne she’s pretty. Somewhere in the middle of all that my patient friend Caroline finally hit me with some tough love and told me I needed to block Suzie’s number and hide her on social media. For all intents and purposes, Suzie couldn’t exist anymore. Caroline was right, but I couldn’t do it, so I compromised that for the next week I wouldn’t reach out to Suzie first. Caroline told me “Alcoholics have to quit cold turkey, they don’t get to say well I drink on the weekends” but I decided I was simply not able to do anything more drastic than not text this freshly 25 year old girl who was slowly unraveling my emotional stability first for a week.

You will not believe this but I survived the week and actually felt better, so I did it again the next week. And the next. And the next. Until it had been a month and I hadn’t reached out to Suzie first. She was still texting and DMing me, but I felt my feelings finally waning! Gone were the days of finding her high school ex-boyfriend’s blog in the depths of the internet or looking her up on Venmo to see who she’d gotten Chipotle with the night before. I absolutely still liked her - those fucking pheromones are relentless - but it felt less fresh, so I started to formulate a plan. Once I felt FULLY (lol) over her, I’d text her the next time I was horny. Best case scenario she’d come over, worst case scenario she’d be so disgusted or insulted that she’d never want to talk to me again and I’d actually get over her, not pretend-get-over-her-so-I-could-trick-myself-into-safely-bootycalling-her. But then she sent me potentially the most flirtatious message yet, and I took my opening at 12:53p on a Wednesday and simply said “when are you going to fuck me.” She fucked me that Saturday night.

So. Suzie is back, and Saturday night (and Sunday morning, *wink* she slept over) was great. But now it’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad again, to borrow some words from Judith Viorst.

How we left things this time is that she does want to see me again, but it can’t be a talk-everyday-thing because she’s ~bUsY* and moving to NYC this summer anyway for grad school (did I forget to mention that? Oops!) and for whatever other reasons that exist that are preventing her from being obsessed with me. She asked what my boundaries and needs are too, and both her actions and words that night really felt clear that she still liked me. I asked if she thought she’d ever see me again. There are some things you really can only ask while cuddling post-sex, and that’s one of them. She paused and said yes. She explained the context around her poor communication and that she never wanted to stop talking to or seeing me, and the way she was holding me felt like she was feeling just as connected to me as I was to her. You can tell when someone just isn’t there with you, and this was not that. We were both right there.

But we were also right back to there being a power imbalance between us. There’s no escaping the fact that this is really on her terms in its present configuration. Our best plan was to promise to be honest moving forward, which felt like it had a lot of potential at the time, but it turns out being honest is hard. Things sort of reverted back to how they were, except with all of my feelings and expectations that I’d worked hard to push down rushing back to take their place on the frontlines of my brain.

It’s been almost 2 weeks, and we’ve talked a few times every 2-4 days. I’m fighting the urge to memorialize exactly what’s transpired, but there’s simply no use in holding onto the details. What finally made all of these not-at-all latent emotions bubble up to the surface and inspired this Intense Feelings Word Vomit is two pronged. First, because I love to torture myself, sometimes I look at Suzie’s Hinge profile to see if she’s changed anything. For some reason, if it stays the same, I feel safe that she’s not seeking out anyone else but me. Which is somewhat logical but also farcical in this particular situation, and I fully understand that. I guess I was really wanting to invite some pain into my life tonight, because even after she texted me yesterday and then proceeded to stretch a very short conversation into something that still is in limbo, I decided it would be fruitful to check her Hinge profile. I’m here to report that all 3 of her prompt questions & answers were different. And readers, I had previously checked it recently enough to know this was a very fresh edit.

The second thing that pushed my feelings over the top, out of my mouth, and directly onto my keyboard is that when she finally texted me back at like 11:30pm, she seemed to entirely brush over two clear attempts, in my opinion, at relaying that I’d like to see her again. And that feels not good. My instinct is to tell myself that maybe my comments weren’t as overt as I first believed them to be, but I think that’s a thinly veiled excuse and a defense mechanism. If someone wants to see you, they will.

I’m almost certain (I am certain) all of my friends - ALL of them! I have A LOT! - are up to their eyeballs in Suzie-flavored-shit, so before writing this I must admit I did the loneliest thing of all: instead of being honest and sharing my feelings directly with her, I texted them… to myself. Raw, unedited emotions that I hope to never re-read one day but probably will and when I do I sure hope I’m in a healthier place and can laugh about it and think about How Far I’ve Come.

The truth is, I’m sitting here all over again picturing the dates I could take her on (the Carlsbad Flower Fields), what restaurants she should experience before leaving LA (Pace), and what fun at-home activities I could plan for us before the world fully returns to a post-Covid society (the DIY pottery kit I bought for myself, fully aware she loves to make clay art). Dare I admit I even daydream about the cross-country road trip that I’ll offer to accompany her on when she moves back East. I look at the contents in my fridge and think, “Maybe I wont use that ingredient tonight in case I need it to make us dinner next time she comes over.” I was ready to plan trying to get vaccinated this weekend around her availability, which is actually insane. You look up simp in the dictionary, and there I am. I took the crumb she gave me and turned it into a huge fucking Mrs. Fields birthday cookie cake that serves 20. No wonder I feel sick.

Unless I’m entirely miscalculating, which I can safely say I am not, Suzie is not sitting in her home thinking the same about me. I think she does like me - I have to allow myself to believe she does, because she said she does, and if I don’t believe it now I never will - but I also have to admit that 6 months into this game of Suzie Mental Gymnastics, I can recognize that all signs are pointing directly to the fact that I like her far more than she likes me. I don’t say that as a form of self-flagellation; it’s just a fact that I need to finally accept. Not just accept, but also let go of the possibility that it’s going to change. That’s the hardest part. I naively thought we were getting back on the ride again, and I buckled up for what turned out to be just a detour.

It can feel nearly impossible to pull yourself away from someone, especially when it feels like their claws are deeply embedded in your brain and your heart. That sounds wildly dramatic, but it is genuinely how I feel. What’s doubly hard is being able to trust my own instincts. I can get attached very quickly, and then it’s almost indecipherable whether someone is actually mistreating me or if my unrealistic expectations don’t allow the other person a chance to actually meet them. This whole essay could potentially be described as an overreaction, but the more I think about it, the more confident I feel in the validity of my feelings. Even if part of the issue is setting my expectations too high, the bigger issue is how I’m being treated. Suzie and I did agree on a low-pressure situation, but it doesn’t take much more than the bare minimum effort to consider another person’s feelings. And I don’t think my feelings are being considered all too much.

Not that Suzie ever really left my life in a real way, but I’m starting to think she came “back” for me to get a second chance at prioritizing my boundaries, my feelings, myself. I don’t want to overreact and call a party foul too soon, but perhaps I need to readjust my idea of what constitutes too soon. After all, maybe it was a mistake to not have asked for clarity sooner the first time. It would have probably allowed me to enjoy my time at home with family more and saved my brain a heck of a lot of overtime I am still saving up to pay. A not-no doesn’t mean a yes, and waiting does not change the outcome. It’s a natural reaction to hold on tighter to someone while loosening your grip on your own needs when you feel them pulling away, but it’s often something you can’t stop from happening. And that’s a tough pill to swallow. Sometimes you have to assert your needs when they’re not being met and watch things fall apart, not because you have those needs but in spite of them. You start again. I will start again.

[kida-oftheworld-blog]

Chapter 5: A Party That Never Ends With a Host That Never Dies

[in which Kida makes a stand and things come to an end]

Get up to date: Chapter 1: News Cycle (Hellscape) Chapter 1.5: A Weird-Form Interlude Chapter 2: The Master of My Own Domain (Dreamscape) Chapter 3: Whats in the booox? (Lifescape) Chapter 4: Help From Another World Chapter 4.5: Interlude: The Other World Reaction

[tw: violent imagery but nothing gory? its a showdown guys, use your judgement here. know your limit, play within it || Word count: 5170]

@thedipster

KIDA

Kida knew better than to jump through a box-portal and not bend her knees to brace herself for impact. After all, she hadn’t been born yesterday, but that didn’t mean the landing still didn’t hurt. She didn’t get how a sphere so close to the ground could still seemingly spit her out from so high-up, but that was beyond the point. Cause she was back in Swynlake. Beautiful, partially-2D, torn-sky Swynlake. It wasn’t exactly the home sweet home she had been hoping for upon her return. But that was fine. She still had a plan. More like the outline of a plan, really.

See, there wasn’t a sphere in the sky that she hadn’t ventured into yet. They were all accounted for. Over the buildings she could make out the two first spheres she had come from amongst the bobbing heads of too-tall-to-be-fair demons. One of those heads happened to be heading in her direction, actually, which meant it was time to go. Where, exactly? Kida wasn’t 100% sure. But if she had learned anything from what had happened so far, her best bet was probably the pyramid in the sky. That, of all things, looked like the climax scenario she had been anticipating.

The little side street she had been spat out onto spilled directly onto the road running towards the pyramid in the sky. She turned the corner, figuring that once she got closer she’d be able to figure out a way to climb onto it but--that didn’t seem to be necessary. Where the main road met the avenue that ran perpendicular to it, a doorway had seemingly opened up out of thin air.

Every ounce of Kida’s rational instincts screamed TRAP! TRAP! TRAP! TRAP! and it was probably right.

But what did she have to lose? Three triangle runes in her possession and she was gonna get scared away by an ominous looking staircase? No. Definitely not. The sound of footsteps drew nearer to her and without a single doubt, Kida barrelled down the street at full speed. She crossed the threshold onto the first step, and immediately her body was her own again. Just as immediately, though, the doorway closed behind her, and the only way left to go--was up. With less of the bravado that she had bared just moments ago, Kida climbed all the way up until the stairs levelled out into a singular playing field. Not blank, but not completely full, either. Just seemingly formed by the great tear some ways off in the distance. And for a moment, Kida was seemingly--alone. Alone-ish.

BILL CIPHER

Someone had been chosen.

Bill was aware of this the moment it happened and he knew that she would be coming. He knew that she would collect the runes, knew that she would do it successfully. Knew that in the Other World, someone would be pulling the strings. Knew that, ultimately, he would be defeated, everyone would clap, and he would be but a memory.

But dammit, if he wasn’t going to make this a helluva time.

And dammit, if he wasn’t gonna try to stick around.

He sat atop a great throne, in the Mindscape he’d formed from the collective consciousness of all those involved in this process--the ones in this world, and the ones controlling them in the Other World.

The throne hovered and below it was Dipper’s still body.

Bill sat, spindly legs crossed, spindly fingers tapping on the arms of his throne.

And towards the edge of the Mindscape, he felt a tug. Someone had entered. It was Her--the Chosen One. Like, literally, they chose her.

He narrowed his eye--well, as well as he could narrow his eye--and with a snap of his fingers, he and Dipper’s body shimmered in their current plane, reappearing in front of the girl.

“Well, well, well,” said Bill, growing larger in size and hovering over the girl. He wriggled his fingers, studying his opponent. He wondered why she’d been chosen, of all of them, but he didn’t question the forces behind the Other World; they had more power than him, ultimately.

“I thought you’d come with a trident or a sword or somethin’” cackled Bill. “That’d be a way to do it--stab me in the eye, eh?” The chuckled turned into a low growl. “But no. Just you, Kiddo. Get it--’cuz that’s almost your name? Hahaha, I crack myself up.”

Now truth be told, Bill didn’t know as much about this one as he knew about Dipper or as much as he knew about some of the other citizens of this world. And as he tried to scan for more information, tried to read the old posts, he found he was drawing a blank.

It was those tasks.

They were serving as a blocker. He couldn’t read all her information. He couldn’t find a weakness. He couldn’t hack her.

But he wasn’t gonna let her know that.

“Soooo,” he said, shrinking down a little smaller and bobbing right in front of her. “What’s it gonna be, Princess? You got a secret blaster or somethin’? Gonna spin some magic on me? I’m excited for this.”

KIDA

The more she looked, the more Kida thought she could make something out in the distance. But before she could figure out what exactly it was: it was gone. Disappeared in a shimmering light--and then reappeared. Right in front of her.

So that’s what she was up against, huh? That was… You know, arguably not as scary as the other demons that had been roaming around Swynlake since the beginning. Off the bat, Kida wasn’t terrified, or anything. But then she got to thinking about it, and well, really the point wasn’t that this thing was particularly scary, it was about what it could do. If this was the source, then it had torn the sky open and set hell upon the town. The triangle in front of her wasn’t scary, but that--all of that--was. Kida got that. But she didn’t move a muscle.

Standing there, for the first time, the runes were heavy in her pocket. She’d need them eventually. But not yet.

Kida’s eyes flicked around, following the triangle as it talked. As it entertained. Cause that’s what it felt like. Like he was some kind of host, as if Kida was just part of the show.

“Yeah-- uh, no.” She replied, cutting it off before it launched into the second act of its speech. If there was gonna be exposition, it was gonna be on her own terms, thanks.

“I’m not really the…” Kida lifted a hand up, let it fall back down against her thigh. “Fighting type, if I can swing it. I’m here to--to talk, actually.”

BILL CIPHER

Bill blinked. (Or was it winked--really, he only had one eye, so was it winking or blinking?)

He bobbed a bit in the air, then rested his hands on the lower part of his form (his hips, one could say, if he did have hips), eyeing this...girl. Character. Person. Thing. Carbon-based lifeform. Sack of meat. Pixels on a screen. Formless creature made up only of words and thoughts. Animator’s sketch. Cells of paint.

She was a lot of things to Bill, but he while he could see all of those, he couldn’t look closer at the one that actually mattered. Which was, really, NOT FAIR, c’mon.

“Alright,” said Bill, lowering himself a little. “Let’s talk.” He let out a low chuckle. “Do you realize my game yet? That’ll be my one regret if you do defeat me--that no one figured it out. No one saw their true potential.” He bounced a bit, circling around her slightly, but keeping his distance.

“But, maybe I’m having too much fate in you--alright, let’s hear it, what do you wanna say that’s gonna make me tremble?”

KIDA

Kida didn’t know what she was getting herself into. Figuring her way out of those orbs, walking up those stairs, she had imagined that it was at this point that things were gonna start making sense. Things like this were supposed to fit together like puzzle pieces, weren’t they? The rip in the sky and the demons and the spheres, they were all supposed to come together with one grand speech, but it felt like this thing was just speaking in riddles. Riddles, for the record, that didn’t make any sense to her. In a way it felt just like… Chatter.

That being said, that was why she was here to talk. There was always sense to be found in something and if nothing else--if she was gonna die here, as unlikely as that was, she wasn’t going to go out without having at least edged her way towards the truth.

As it circled her, she didn’t hurry to keep it in her sights, instead only lazily moving her head to spot it as it passed. She hoped she wouldn’t need much more than that.

Kida laughed a bit, just lightly enough to convey her amusement. Cause she was amused, mainly by the impression this thing seemingly had of her.

“That’s still not my goal,” She corrected, shaking her head. “But since you’re giving me the chance, I guess we’ll start with… What’s the point?”

Kida paused, raised an eyebrow. “Of this. To be clear. Not what’s the point of life--unless you happen to have answers for that, too.”

BILL CIPHER

“There is no point, that’s the point!” cackled Bill. “All of this--pointless. We’re just wasting our time here, all of us, you and me and this bag o’ meat down here.” He swooped down to Dipper, who stirred feebly.

“None of it has meaning, Kida-Kiddo,” he said, rising back up again. “Not my grand scheme, not the words that are writing out your life right now--everything’s just for the fun of it. Might as well have fun, ya know, if your very existence literally is just for plot purposes, amirite?”

<<That’s right. That’s not just from me to Kida--it’s me to all of you suckers there on your laptops and on your phones--your existence means nothing. Might as well have some fun, eh? (that ‘eh’ was for you, Sam, get it, it’s Canadian)>>

“We’re all gonna die--even me. I’ll fade out from imagination, one day, and be a memory of a memory. Y’all will too. Maybe they’ll think of us from time to time, games they played in their younger days. But we will cease to exist.” He turned away from Kida, now, looking up into the Mindscape--the twisting pathways that led to nowhere (though it could very easily be a foggy cloud of consciousness, though it could very easily be black nothingness, it just depeneded on what was written)--then swiveled back to Kida.

“So the point? To have some fun.”

KIDA

Kida narrowed her eyes at this thing as it spoke. Not maliciously, but more like she was doubtful of what it was saying. Cause, plainly, she was.

That kind of thinking irked her. And not just the whole nothing matters part of it--for which she had literally hundreds of years of teaching telling her otherwise--but just all of it. The bleakness of it up unto the driving force and the actions that came of it just didn’t make sense to her. If there wasn’t a point, wasn’t the joy of life arguing with the very fabric that said so? If there wasn’t a point, why did that seemingly justify terrible actions? If there wasn’t a point, did that mean that you shouldn’t have morals? That because nothing mattered, you were excused for your actions?

She didn’t think so.

“I--alright. To have fun. That’s fair.” Kida stepped forwards, not following it per se, but making her own path towards the nothingness beyond them. There wasn’t anything out there, was there? She--could ask that later. Maybe. Didn’t matter right now, since apparently nothing ever mattered anyway, right? Wrong.

She glanced over at the body on the floor--and then up at the triangle.

“But, of all things--why have fun like this? Why not something less…” She waved a hand vaguely through the air. “End of the world-y?”

BILL CIPHER

“Hey, no one’s dead--or even dying, might I add. Everyone’s having some fun! Got cool powers and new forms. Far as I’m concerned, this is the best apocalypse you guys have had in the past three years.”

If he could narrow his eye, he would’ve. Instead, it sorta just crinkled up slightly, and he drifted higher in the air, like a balloon that slipped out of a small child’s hand. He rose about a full Kida’s height above Kida, a full Kida’s length distance away from Kida, and grew to a full Kida’s size larger than Kida.

“Is this your plan, kiddo? Get me talking about my grand master vision? Not that I don’t mind talking--love it, in fact. I could talk about myself all darn day!” He cackled, rubbing his fingers together. “I’m gonna miss this--she’s gonna miss me, ya know? You all are, when this is done and over.” He sighed, dropping his hands down and hanging in the air for a moment.

He blinked, then shimmered a little, for no other reason than he wanted to shimmer for one last time possibly.

“Please tell me you’re gonna whip out that trident now,” said Bill. “I’d rather this was quick and gloriously gory.”

KIDA

Yeah, Kida thought, I sure was having a lot of fun watching my kingdom be destroyed over and over and over again. That--she was still painfully sour in regards to that. It was the kind of vision that required a letter home and whole bunch of extra money in express postage but that was besides the point. The point had to stay in the present. She couldn’t afford to have it go drifting off into the ether where this thing was likely to find a way to scoop it up and use it in its favour.

She didn’t want to be doing it any favours. Didn’t feel like it deserved that much.

Course, neither did she, which was why this whole thing was such a pain.

It rose into the air, and Kida--sat down. Making herself comfortable. As far as anyone watching could tell, she was unperturbed. Unsure, maybe, but not worried about it. She leaned back onto her hands and stretched out her legs in front of herself, crossing them at the ankles. Kida disregarded its last requests and tilted her head up at it.

“Who’s she?”

BILL CIPHER

“I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you,” cackled Bill. He peered at Kida, drifting a little closer. Maybe he’d indulge her.

“There’s forces beyond what you and your tiny one-dimensional brain can understand here,” he said. And if his voice could be kind, it dipped sorta-kinda into it now--not in an actual kind way, but like she was some small child and he was showing her how to do a basic task. “There’s dimensions within your own--then there’s ones that go above and below and all around. You can cross the ones in your own, but not above or below--if you even think about them too much, your tiny little mind will explode.”

He chuckled a little, swerving a bit down for dramatic effect.

“This was my way of pulling those above and below worlds to intermingle with yours, kinda, sorta,” he said, then turned back around. “That answer your question, kiddo?”

KIDA

Kida hummed under her breath. That was better than expected, actually. Two answers for the price of one--and extensive ones at that. This thing spoke of dimensions and higher powers and twisting all of these things to play along with its own sick little game. From where she sat, it seemed like it fancied itself some kind of god.

Was it, though?

Kida doubted an answer that simple.

“Mm, more or less.” She conceded, keeping most of her suspicions veiled inside of herself.

This thing was a--demon, probably. Given the runes and given the, well, the other demons running around Swynlake as she spoke, but it wasn’t anything like those.

(And for a fraction of a second Kida wondered if she had bitten off more than she could chew.)

“What about--” She jerked her head back towards the seemingly lifeless body on the ground. “What’s with the kid?”

BILL CIPHER

Bill had actually forgotten about Dipper. He glanced downwards, his body tilting slightly at an angle, his luminous pupil dipping towards Dipper’s still form.

“Oh, him? Yeah, well I needed a way into this world and Dipper here won’t admit it, but he wanted to know all about the aboves and belows and inside-outs and what not.” Bill straightened back up, eye crinkling, and shrugged his little black arms.

“A deal’s a deal, ya know? He gets infinite knowledge, I get to exist. We might be tricksters, but we hold up our ends.”

This was not entirely the truth of the matter; technically this time around, Milo had summoned Bill. Still, he’d gotten what he wanted -- his dead girlfriend. The first time round, Dipper had gotten what he’d wanted -- infinite knowledge. Never mind that it faded away when Bill had been banished. Dipper still had a sense of it though, a craving for something he could never quite know and never would know (which was enough to have kept the remnant of Bill there in the first palce, which was how the summoning this time had been easier; he just needed someone particularly desperate enough).

But enough exposition--

“He’ll be fine,” said Bill, dropping a little closer to Dipper, who let out a small murmur, and reached a hand to pat him on the head. “Just overwhelmed with infinite knowledge, ya know?”

He bobbed back up.

“Anyway, you a therapist or something? Tryin’ to psychoanalyze my plans for universal domination?”

KIDA

She shook her head.

“No, I’m just trying make sure I have all my bases covered, you know? The whys and the whats and the immediate courses of action and things like that...” The list of things like that  ran pretty straight forwards in her head as she compiled information.

Use the runes to do whatever the runes were used for-- because there had to be some point to them. Nothing appeared and disappeared out of nowhere to only ever be used at mantel decorations or coasters.

Take out the triangle (this one was still kind of wishy washy, though Kida wasn’t completely without ideas. It just kind of depended on number 1.)

Probably watch the plane disintegrate around her

Tend to the kid if he needed tending to, which, if he did, Kida hoped that that thing had at least been truthful in that he wasn’t that poorly off. Really though, why did she have any reason to trust it?

“So just to make sure I got this straight, you used the kid to get here, and upon arrival you took the world that was yours for the taking because--why not? That’s a uh--hell of a story. It’ll make for great content, you know?” Kida wasn’t actually considering posting any of the nitty gritty of this on her blog. It didn’t feel--quite right. She’d write it down for herself to remembered, but publishing things like this took tact that she didn’t have, and a open-book policy that she couldn’t quite uphold.

Maybe this one was just hers, for once.

She pushed herself off of her hands and crossed her legs in front of herself. She slipped one hand into her pockets, and came right back out easily with the three runes in the palm of her hand.

“You said infinite knowledge, yeah? Any idea how it all ends?”

BILL CIPHER

Bill did, in fact, know how it was going to end. He’d known from the moment he popped into this universe back in August -- no, even before that, when he was just a passing thought being pulled into creation. There was always going to be an end for him.

That’s how it had been in his first universe, how it had been in the ones after that (there were some weird ones out there, though, where that was not the case, but he sorta preferred the ones where it was), how it would be in this one.

Bill knew that everyone was expecting an epic showdown--lasers and lights and loud noises and the like.

Bill knew that it would end, not with a bang, but with a whimper.

And that he would be added as a footnote when they explained what happened to someone new. That they would talk about him still and they would say they missed him, but ultimately, he would just be words on a screen.

“It ends,” he said, simply. “I end.” He cackled a little, eye drifting up to the space of the Mindscape, the fixed it right on Kida. “Make it a good one, eh? Worth a read, make ‘em talk about us.”

KIDA

In hindsight, she shouldn’t have expected anything less. It took more than a conversation to get to know someone, but when this thing’s M.O seemed to be anything goes--Kida should’ve expected the same, here. She should’ve expected the solemn words, even as she had been hoping for the opposite. It was much easier to take someone out if you couldn’t find any sympathy. Kida had too much of it for her own good, she figured, but not enough to think twice about her plan. There was a pang, for just a moment, and then there were many more for the people still in town--for the rest of the world.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few and this thing had no right to take the world for it’s own just because it could.

Kida could feel it’s bulging eye staring down at her as she laid the runes on the ground all the same. There were three triangles on the ground, and one in the sky. How convenient. She clicked them together like a dream, and from the puzzle came a single triangle, with a perfect space in the middle.

“I can’t make any guarantees.” She said.

The runes began to glow with that same dull light as the spheres, and Kida took that as her sign to back up. She scrambled up onto her feet at the runes expanded and expanded and slowly righted themselves until they stood tall in the void, at which point they began to rise.

BILL CIPHER

There were things he could do to delay her.

He could conjure up a swarm of neon-colored squirrels, swirling in tornado formation and chewing up the very fabric of this reality into a million-trillion-gazillion squirrel-chewed pieces. He could call upon a storm of past-selves and current-selves and future-selves and alter-selves and a-whole-lotta other selves and overwhelm them all with the sheer selve-ness of the whole situation. He could blast them into a total other reality where they’d be suspended in time and space and words and not be able to move or think

or act or anything because they didn’t belong there and would not ever belong there, so they’d be in an eternal state of half-existence, existing in one reality but being in another.

But he couldn’t really do any of those things, because right as he decided on the squirrels, the final piece of it all -- the one that Kida didn’t know about, couldn’t know about -- was completed and in another reality, he felt himself violently shaken and tossed and in this one, he froze --

And Kida completed the triangles.

“Aw shit!” Bill cried, as the triangles locked together and rose into the air. His one eye grew wide as the triangles closed in around him, trapping him in the space between them. He let out a scream, low at first, but growing rough and loud, ripping through the air, through time and space, reverberating in the collective consciousness of the Mindscape.

(Feel that chill? The one you get out of nowhere in the middle of the day, when the air is otherwise warm? That’s Bill Cipher’s scream echoing through time.)

As he screamed, his lines bled to his main coloring, the yellow turning black, the black lines of his curves turning red--his eye inverted, the white turning black, the black turning white and expanding and flashing red as he struggled between the bonds.

“You don’t know what this world is,” he sneered and his eye flashed white-red-black-white-red-black-white-red-black. “You’re all just pathetic puppets used by them and they’re gonna leave you one day and you will cease to exist and this was your chance -- all of your chances -- to wake up to your bleak reality--”

His voice was cut off, as the runes closed in tigther and he was shook again in the other world (seriously? twice?)

KIDA

Kida shielded her eyes from the rapidly blinking light above her. Could whole planes shake, or was it just her? Was that the universe trying to burst at the seams or was it her heart breaking free from her chest? Either way, it felt like a lot. Kida was feeling a lot and that made it hard to focus on the task at hand.

The demon--and Kida was sure it was a demon now, she could feel it in the waves of energy rippling through her crystal. It was trying to protect her. She appreciated it--screamed and it’s voice rang out louder than anything she had ever heard before. It was inside her head and all around and in the air and running through the ground and nothing would ever be quiet again, she figured. So long as this thing screamed and struggled and cursed her out, there would not be quiet. The world would not be safe. If she stood there and did nothing, the world would not be safe. Not for herself, not for the kid lying half-dead on the ground, not for anyone.

She had to remember that and--try to do something.

Her crystal rumbled around her neck. There was strong magic in the air, and it could feel it, which meant that Kida could feel it too. It hummed through the Heart all the way back to her and from it there was a lingering sense of peace. One that told her, you know what to do.

Kida stepped forwards, and brought her hand down from where it shielded her eyes to wrap it around her crystal. She tugged and the chain broke loose.

“Why should I care?” She yelled out, holding the crystal tighter and tighter until the ruff edges dug into the palm of her hand.  “You said it yourself! There’s no point! Nothing matters! Not even you! So it’s about time you go back to where you came from!”

Kida opened her fist, and just like the day her mother had--gone, the light that spilled out of her crystal was blinding. She turned her head away and closed her eyes, but kept it pointed at the demon.

“Go HOME!”

DIPPER

Bill’s grip on Dipper loosened and the blackness that he’d slipped into for the past week or so started to melt away. He felt the ache in his body first, creeping from his sides, to the very center of being, then up to his face -- have you ever felt your face ache? Like not just your head, but your face --

There was a light. It was so strong that Dipper had to blink to see and then he heard that scream.

He’d heard that scream before--

The last time, when Uncle Ford and Stan and Mabel had blasted into the cave and wrangled Bill out of this plane.

(They hadn’t done it properly, but that had been the plan the whole time)

He scrambled to his feet.

There was a girl there and he didn’t know who she was but the light was coming from her.

y̤͞ ̙͠o̼̹̬̩ ̡͓u̗͈͠ ̜̩c̣͈̮̠̦͜a͙̘͚n̫̹̰̬ ̹͚̳̖͕͙s̨͓̻̞T̡͕̳̤͍ͅo̭͇̼P͓̩̘̭͝ ̮h̻̖̮̟E͏͇̦R̢

The voice echoed through Dipper’s head and he pressed his hands against his ears--he wanted it out, wanted it out.

He had sudden images of horrible memories--of Merida’s face, her eyes wide in fear; of Maui’s eyes wide in confusion; of writhing and spitting and holy water splashed in his face; of Professor Thatch’s desperate voice; of blood--blood from him, blood from Terence, blood from Maui--

s̡̟̻̹t̶̼̹o͖̣͍̠̙̤P̺̥̯̜̝̯̠ ̞H̤͙͎͍͍e̺̟͍͡R ҉̤̣̣͍̪o͕̠̙̬͜R̠ ̴͍̜͓̗Y͏̜͔̰̩̼̜͉O̵͉͉̼̣̟U̵̹̮̮͉̫̱ ̳̰͎̘̱͙W̮̫͕̖̼̺ͅI̞̜̟̫̙̣̗LL̤̙͚͎̝͖̰ ̥̪̖̹͔̝BE̞̺̜͈̥̰ ͢I͏̳̯̹̞N͍̲̖̰̹ ̼̩̯̳̫͙̀T̹͉̫̳̣͞H̰̩̼E̺̕ ̩̪͝D̗̱̖A̲̻͓͎̥̗R҉͇̩k̵̳̥

There were things he also saw--he saw three girls, a bit older than him, they were on a train. He saw laptop screens. He saw himself, too, and Mabel, too, in Gravity Falls, except everything was different, everything was the same, not really. He saw a man drawing. He saw business meetings (why did he see business meetings?)--

He could see all that and--

What was the point? Why did he need that? He had this reality and that was what mattered and he could discover all there was about this one and he had all his life to do that and there was no point in doing that now, not this way, not in this way--

He stood next to the girl and he looked up at Bill--the runes around him closing in smaller and smaller.

“Leave ME ALONE!” he yelled, voice hoarse, but loud and strong and echoing through the Mindscape. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH.”

Bill’s eye flashed back to white, his body flashed to yellow and the eye widened and--

If it could have looked sad, right now, it did.

But it was only a moment, could have been a trick of Dipper’s eye, something that the light altered, something that the hammering of his chest made him feel, something that the ties between him and the demon made him think, something that Bill was doing to make Dipper feel bad.

It was only a moment and Bill let out a wail as he was sucked into the space between the runes, which swirled a deep, bottomless, black.

And then, for a moment, it was quiet. It was still. Dipper took a shaking breath and for the first time in nearly ten years, his head felt silent.

And then, there was a loud sucking noise--the black portal between the runes swirling as all the weirdness, all the disasters and demons and chaos flew to the portal, getting pulled within, vanishing into the nothingness.

The place they were shimmered around them, as if it were fighting between being here and not being here.

And then--as if nothing had happened at all, Dipper and the strange girl were standing in the middle of Professor Thatch’s flat, sunlight streaming through the window, birds chirping outside, a clock ticking from somewhere he couldn’t place. There were noises--noises of life: the radiator in the corner, those birds, that clock, the pipes somewhere, the floorboards.

But his head, it was quiet.

He took a deep breath, his arm reaching for the back of neck, and turned to the girl.

“So, uh, that was weird.”

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

@otumbalt

The message you sent was fanmail, I think! And as such, I couldn’t reply directly (tumblr confuses me sometimes and I couldn’t find a reply button. If y’all know better pls do let me know if I need to put my clown shoes on LMAO). Thank you for the kind words though!! I really appreciate it, and I’m looking forward to more complexity from Cybird, too! 

That being said, I did want to touch on something you said because I’m still drowning in my feels and languishing. “the push and pull between comte’s rationality and his desire to love and be loved was something that I really enjoyed from his route” you. you get it. There’s nothing I love more than a man that’s self-aware, and it’s such a rare treat when it comes to fiction, at least in my experience. 

Some spoilers for his MS beneath the cut to explain why this resonated so deeply with me, so no touchy if you’re waiting to read on your own! c:

Because that’s exactly it. At first he is 100% just trying to help her get situated. He’s being rational. Sure, he’s excited to have a guest--he likes meeting new people in general, learning what he can from them (can you feel my uwus). But it’s only when she debuts that he begins to realize that this isn’t just enjoying her company. He finds her dazzling, far beyond what constitutes friendly curiosity. If that sounds too convenient, I can confirm that he takes her to the venue of her debut, dressed in clothes he picked out (which he emphasizes is something that greatly pleases him, looks wonderful on her). And he begins to wonder if this is what it feels like to have a daughter, to look on with earnest fondness and want only the best for her.

But the sugar daddy act ends REAL quick.

There is an attending nobleman that comments on how lovely she is, insinuates a kind of desire to know if she’s single or not with his attraction. And he suddenly becomes quite incensed by that comment, feels genuine irritation. Combined with that is the moment in which MC becomes a little nervous, says that she’s unsure if she’s really worthy of this kind of attention. Comte, in his POV story, is shocked to hear that she’s anxious. She powered through lessons on decorum and dancing, never once complained about his days-long fussing. And he realizes that it’s not because she didn’t feel any discomfort, but because she chose to be strong--chose to keep trying. This is the moment in which he realizes that he cares for her deeply, and that she doesn’t see herself clearly. She’s beautiful in the conventional sense, absolutely--but it’s more than that for him. She’s beautiful because she’s always doing her best, always cares about the people around her enough to try to power through. And that’s what the people around her were truly responding to. Anybody can get dolled up, but to be admired or loved usually requires more substance.

And so he tells her that, caught in the moment of realization. “You’re beautiful...” And she replies that it’s all thanks to the attire he got her, the jewelry gleaming from every part of her. But he falters--tries to clarify, before the opportunity is lost and dies in his throat. 

That was only the first step in his long and exponential descent into love for her. The thing that’s so moving about Comte is that he tries so very hard to contextualize with the knowledge he has. Remember, he keeps telling himself, she’s from the future. She has a place to return to. No matter how curious, no matter how attracted, he was never meant to enter that picture. They were two of a very different kind, irreconcilable in that regard too. Tainting her with his selfishness, with that desire for companionship that’s always been such a difficult obstacle for him, isn’t her responsibility. It’s his. He needed to put her first. And he had every intention to.

Until she saw the wavering parts of him, the fragile ones that only come out in glances--beyond his control, beyond his good sense. And she handled his worries with such care, such compassion that it strikes him to the very core. There’s a good number of chapters where he’s trying and utterly failing to stop her from doting on him, falls into her little gestures of kindness, of attention. 

It takes Leonardo to stop and say that his attempts are pathetic. That it couldn’t be clearer that le Comte is hopelessly in love with her. His indictment forces Comte to backtrack, forces him to try and cut her off entirely. He’s mortified at himself, at his failing self-control. Four hundred years and he can’t manage to stop instigating feelings between himself and one woman in the space of one month? And more than anything, he truly is under the operating assumption that this is in her best interest; that he must stop if this if it is to end in anything other than tragedy. For him, it the ultimate culmination of his own failure to take responsibility, exercise foresight, and consider her feelings.

Needless to say, none of this goes to plan in the end. 

Now, I’d like to clarify something. MC, this whole time, doesn’t really find any fault with all of that. She thinks it’s nice to see him let down his guard, doesn’t mind comforting him when he confides in her now and again. She just sees the man that chose to care about her first, and fell in love with his conscientious concern for people. She doesn’t see his vulnerability as a shortcoming, the way that he does. And that’s where the tension arises. Because Comte is literally staring at his hands internally screaming at himself, while MC is like “you know if we made out, that would be awesome. Can’t believe I might become the foster mom to nine weird genius vampires, but you never know what life brings amirite”

In that way, the route is almost funny, but mostly sad, in how ridiculously inaccurate Comte’s self-perception is. He thinks that asking for help, asking to be cared for, is fundamentally a breach of conduct. Not just...being a person that needs support from time to time?? (He does me a big concern ;-;)

Regardless, and maybe it’s just me, but there’s just something so moving about seeing him so affected? He truly does everything in his power to prove that he is unworthy, does everything in his power to believe that he’s unworthy. But MC won’t be swayed, no matter how scary or difficult things get--no matter how great the gulf of time or life is between them. No matter how many times being with him might result in her being threatened, she doesn’t care. Sure it’s scary, but she doesn’t deem it enough to divide them. She tried to distance herself “for own good” too, following his lead, and it just didn’t work for either of them.

Would you all like to know what it is that gets him to finally acquiesce? What it is that makes him raise the white flag, any defensiveness gone, only endless love and trust taking its place? The second where his desire to love and be loved wins out, all rationality scrapped?

They discuss the events of Vlad’s abduction, and Comte levels with her. Says that if what happened is enough to destroy whatever attraction for him that she had felt, he wouldn’t judge her. She was still more than free to go home, to live her life. When she protests, he pulls his trump card. He gets very serious, looks her in the eye, and asks what she thinks about turning. If he were to pose the question, what would be her response?

And MC, bless her heart, says that she hasn’t decided, because that is something for them to decide together. She certainly won’t force him to do it, but she wants to know what he feels about it before coming to any kind of concrete decision--or even temporary one. Because that’s the whole point. That’s what it means to be in love with someone. It means having someone by your side, someone that’s there to listen and put you first--just as they should be putting you first, too. It means that any course of action is made hand-in-hand, that we check in with each other first; that we hear and help each other out, no matter how confused or paralyzed or exhausted. That’s what makes Comte start laughing with relieved delight, any hesitations gone. That’s when their relationship is solidified, when Comte chooses to devote himself--no matter what hardships the future brings--to her. Because for the first time in his life, he knows he will never have to carry anything all alone anymore, and he is at ease. 

In short, thanks Cybird I’m sobbing now and forever for one gold pixelated man pls don’t look at me