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gregorygerwitz · 5 months ago

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Moustead + “If I let go of you now… Then I’m letting go of you forever. And I don’t know… I don’t know if I can do that just yet.”

single dad!Mouse? single dad!Mouse. thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this absolutely unhinged AU.

[ unrequited love prompts ]

warnings: implied/referenced past suicide attempt, depression, canon-typical violence (including discussions of murder, implied torture, a hostage situation, and child neglect/abuse)

It had taken too long to solve the case, that was where the trouble started.

Mouse still remembered the day that Jay called, asking for a favor only months after he'd quite literally saved Mouse's life. He couldn't possibly say no, no matter how much he might have wanted to. Taking care of someone else, a child, when he didn't even want to take care of himself, it was too big of an ask, but he couldn't say that. His best friend was only still in his life by some miracle, some twist of fate that made him feel like he was flying some days. Of course he couldn't say no. It was just supposed to be temporary, anyway.

There was one survivor of the attack, a seven year old boy who needed someone in his corner who wasn't actively working on the case. The police would find who stole his family away from him, but he needed more than that. He needed someone who cared about how he was doing, who made sure he had a safe bed to sleep in and somewhere to go that wasn't a gray interrogation room or a sterile hospital. It had only been four months since Mouse himself had spent 72 hours in a stark room at Med, wanting nothing more than to have someone on his side who didn't wear a badge that declared how many degrees they had after their name. He knew what he'd needed when everyone else was just seeking answers and explanations, and he supposed he could be that for someone else for a few months.

But Noah hadn't just been there for a few months. After the summer, Mouse made sure he was enrolled in school, and always had a lunch packed in the mornings. He made sure that they were always on time for therapy appointments, and Jay's contact in his phone was on a special setting so that his calls and texts would always alert him in case there was an update in the investigation. He shifted his entire schedule around so that he could make sure that the innocent child he was entrusted with didn't have to go through any more pain or trauma than he already had.

At least, he tried to prevent it.

[ read the rest below or on ao3 ]

Working with Intelligence was a desk job. He was downstairs most of the time, behind his computer and waiting for the clock to tick by until he could leave and pick up Noah from school - he was going to be ten in a month, and he'd started calling Mouse dad over the summer after the man who had taken his family from him was caught and convicted, something that he found himself not hating. In fact, if he asked for a favor, Trudy could pull some strings and call some friends and speed up the process that would make the statement a legal fact. He considered it, when he made his way to the front desk with the paperwork that needed her signature, a request from Voight for some new supplies. It could be a short conversation, just a passing mention until they had time to talk about it later.

Instead, all hell broke loose, and he found himself with a gun to his own head with the paperwork and planned conversation completely forgotten. Mouse knew he should have been more worried about the arm around his chest and the barrel against his temple, about the fact that his life could be ended in an instant, but all he'd been able to think about was the routine he was used to. He was going to be late picking up his son from school. Someone had to make sure Noah got home to their apartment safely, and he couldn't even ask anyone to do him the favor when he was locked inside an office and the only company he had had made it clear that he was armed and potentially dangerous.

Thank god for Jay Halstead. Though maybe that wave of emotion would be easier to handle if it didn't come with the longing he'd been pushing down for years, since that day in November when his life was saved by a little luck and the right timing.

Things were only okay again for a little while. There were some tough cases, a few nights when he had to get home late and immediately wanted nothing more than to sit on the couch with his kid and watch a movie, or plan a fun weekend with ice cream at the pier, or just hold on to the peaceful safety that existed within the walls of their home. Nothing could get them there - not disappointed parents, or killers, or even the chill that came with a Chicago winter. That taste of safety every night was all it took for him to know that he wanted it forever, wanted Noah to never remember a life without it, and it was becoming increasingly clear that couldn't happen in Chicago.

He saw an infant abandoned by the people who were supposed to take care of them the same week he finished the paperwork to submit it to make the adoption official.

Less than a month later, Justin Voight was discovered in the trunk of a car with too many wounds to count, and they all had to watch their sergeant grieve a child he never should have outlived.

They all knew what happened after that, even if no one said it out loud. They didn't know the details about it, and no one asked for anything they didn't already know. Mouse couldn't even pretend he didn't agree with the action that Voight had taken - maybe, in another life, he would have been more judgmental, but then he thought of his own son at home, the life he was responsible for. If anyone laid a hand on Noah, he probably would have killed them, too.

Somehow, none of that was the last straw. Chicago was still home, where their family was - after dad, it wasn't long before the people around them were referred to with their own titles. Uncle Jay and Auntie Kim and, well, Trudy was still just Trudy, after they'd been unsubtly warned that she was not anyone's grandmother. They still belonged there, with their family and their support system.

At least, that was the belief he held until the yearning in his chest became too painful again.

Mouse had been able to hold his unrequited feelings for years, make them his own problem and no one else's. For a while, they were at the bottom of his list of priorities - he'd been adjusting to being a father, without a lot of guidance or even memories of his own parents that were remotely helpful, and trying to keep his job with the CPD so that his schedule was as regular as it could be, and it was really hard to focus on how deeply in love he was with his best friend when he had so much else on his plate.

Then Jay was talking about moving in with Erin when he was over for a pre-season hockey game, and the bagels with pizza sauce and cheese tasted like sawdust in his mouth. He'd pushed down the feelings and ignored them for so long that he'd forgotten they existed until some new piece of reality made his stomach churn. It was easier when he could pretend - pretend that being just friends was enough, pretend that the on-again-off-again relationship he watched from the outside would be permanently off one day, pretend that his best friend taking a serious step in his relationship didn't feel like a stab to his chest.

Between the violence, and the death, and the ache, Chicago had stopped feeling like home. So, as soon as arrangements could be made to break his lease, and he had enough cushion in his bank account for the drive, he packed up everything they had into the car. They probably should have gotten out of the city a long time ago, escaped the trauma they both suffered within the city limits. They'd both lost their parents, though in very different ways, and a desk job with the police department was only safe until it wasn't.

Even if he was never held hostage again, there were risks Mouse didn't want to take. Noah had already lost so much, and the last thing he needed to worry about was losing another parent. Besides, they'd be in California before his eleventh birthday, and it would only be a few years before he forgot about it all. There wouldn't be memories around every corner, and the people in their lives wouldn't be getting shot at for their job, and there wouldn't be the ghost of some possibility he couldn't act on following him around like a storm cloud.

Los Angeles would be good for both of them, he was sure.

"What about my friends? Jack said his mom was gonna help him pick out something really cool for my birthday."

With a frown and a sigh, Mouse made sure Noah was safely buckled into his seat and had a water bottle within reach. "I'll talk to his mom and see what we can do about that. And you'll make lots of new friends when we get to LA who you can invite to your birthday party."

"I don't wanna move."

He bit his tongue and and leaned into the car enough to press a soft kiss to Noah's hairline. He'd known it wouldn't go over well, moving all the way to the coast with less than a month of proper notice, but he was trying to put on a brave face. For the last few weeks, he'd been avoiding having much time alone with Kim or Trudy, and for a few days, he was avoiding Jay entirely. They all wanted to convince him to stay, wanted to keep both of them in the family that Chicago had built. He'd even gotten a few texts from Will and Connor about getting together for dinner before the move, not that he'd taken them up on it. He had to go, and nothing was going to stop him from doing his best to take care of himself and the child he'd been tasked with looking after for almost four years.

"Sometimes, we have to do things we don't want to do. Like how Uncle Jay helped us get the car ready."

As if on cue, the trunk was closed over bags of clothes and boxes of books, everything that would fit arranged like a game of Tetris. Jay emerged from where he'd been unintentionally hidden behind the car, shaking his head with a smile that was more than a little forced. As least he wasn't the only one putting on a mask for the sake of the child in his life. It hadn't taken much convincing to get the help, which made him anxious - it meant he might still get talked into sticking around, and now he didn't even have an apartment to do that in. Spending any time alone with Jay was exactly what he still wanted to avoid. Even looking him in the eye hurt, the ache stronger and louder than ever when he remembered that Jay's own apartment, the one he'd crashed on the couch of too many times to count, was also in the past. He lived with Erin now, his girlfriend, the woman he had drunkenly brought up marrying one night when they were on the phone. They were both moving forward. Mouse was just adding distance to that, too.

"Is Uncle Jay gonna come see us? Maybe he can come to my birthday, too!"

It was a reasonable request, actually. Jay had showed up at their apartment every year on the same day, bringing coffee and cocoa from the café down the street bright and early, and stayed through dinner so that Noah could unwrap a gift and they could all have ice cream for dessert. Except that visit was going to happen every year on that day regardless of when his birthday fell, because it wasn't about that, not really.

It was about the night four months before the child entered either of their lives, when Mouse had made a decision about his own life, and the end of it, and Jay had gotten to his apartment just in time to get him to the hospital on time.

It was still an anniversary without the birthday to distract them from it, and there hadn't been a single one that Jay hadn't been there for.

"I don't think I'll be able to come all the way to California this year. Next year, definitely, but we can Skype this year instead. How's that sound?"

The words earned him a heavy sigh and a pout, and if they were being honest with themselves, tears probably weren't very far off. It was a big move, and an even bigger change, but they would be okay. They just had to get to the other side of it, first.

"We'll try to come back and visit Uncle Jay before then. You won't have to wait a whole year to see him again." Mouse shook his head and sighed when the eyes that usually looked up at him with wonder and awe were quickly turned away. He couldn't remember the last time Noah refused to even look at him, and maybe it was something as meaningless as the ratio between cereal and milk being off one morning. That was what he was used to, domestic life with easy to solve problems like getting a new bowl for breakfast, not being brushed off and potentially being ignored for an entire road trip. When he gently closed the car door and got no response, Mouse sighed again and bit the inside of his lip, shaking his head.

"He'll get over it." Jay stepped closer with a lowered voice, offering up a weak smile that was only slightly less forced than the last one. "He's a kid. As soon as he realizes how close he'll be living to Disneyland, he's going to forget about how much he misses it here. Just... can you tell me why, before you go? Why do you have to go all the way to California to get a fresh start?"

Mouse shook his head and looked away to avoid meeting his friend's gaze directly. It was a conversation he never wanted to have, never wanted to even hint at. The complicated truth would ruin everything between them, and even with the physical distance that would make keeping up difficult, he didn't want to lose his best friend over something he should have been able to handle on his own. He wouldn't let that loss for both of them be his fault.

"Jay..."

"It has to be big for you to do something like this, right? Talk to me. I just want to understand."

"I can't. If I do... you won't want to keep in touch." Shaking his head again, Mouse took a deep breath and glanced through the window of the car, where Noah was still pointedly looking away and likely paying no attention to what they were discussing. Still, he continued on in a whisper, just loud enough to be heard, just in case. "I can't do that to him. He loves you."

"I will still keep in touch, and visit when I can. I know he's going to miss everyone here. I would never just cut him off, either of you. So why can't you just tell me what's going on?"

"Because I do, too."

They were both quiet for a long time, Jay trying to catch his gaze while he looked anywhere but straight ahead. It was a big admission, but at least he didn't have to live in the awkwardness of it forever. In a matter of seconds, he could be in the driver's seat and start down the road, and he'd never see Jay Halstead ever again. Maybe that would hurt less than trying to keep their friendship alive.

"Look..."

"Greg-"

"I know what I feel. And I know that you don't feel the same way. That's fine. I just... I need a little space right now, okay? I thought I would get over it and I just..." Mouse made himself stand up straighter, finally looking over to meet the wide eyes aimed so steadily on him. "I'm not mad. I'm not expecting anything from you. I never have, and I never will. But how was I supposed to bring this up? When was I supposed to bring this up? It's not your problem. It's mine. I just... all I ask is that we still keep in touch."

"Yeah, of course."

Jay's arm moved just enough that he could see it out of the corner of his eye, like he wanted to reach out but didn't quite finish the gesture. That made sense. Jay and the rest of his family had always been more touchy than he was. They hugged, pat each other on the back, bumped shoulders. Mouse was different, he didn't like to be touched like that, like it was a casual thing that didn't have to mean anything. The idea of it was too overwhelming, too assuming for him to ever reach out for something on his own. It was always Jay who initiated it, who was right by his side when he needed support, who had hugged him after the awful brunch with his parents, who had held his hand in the hospital a week and a half later so he wasn't alone. The distance he was putting between them would take all of that away, too.

"I... I know I'm the one asking for space, and taking it, but I... this can't be a goodbye. My feelings are my own, and you don't owe me anything, and I am trying to let go of them and move on because we both deserve that, it's..." Mouse paused for a moment, not looking away while he gave a small shake of his head. "If I let go of you now... then I'm letting go of you forever. And I don't know... I don't know if I can do that just yet."

This time, the movement in his peripheral vision didn't stutter stop after only a moment. Instead, two familiar arms went around him, and Mouse found himself leaning into the embrace, his chin resting on Jay's shoulder while he tried to keep his face neutral. It didn't matter if it couldn't be seen. If he let himself smile, let himself enjoy it, it would only hurt that much more when they had to let go.

"Drive safe, okay?"

"Okay."

#mouse gerwitz #greg mouse gerwitz #greg gerwitz #jay halstead #cpd #chicago pd #one chicago #noah gorman #one chicago fanfic #single dad mouse #me? writing again? more likely than you'd think #anyway i care them so much #yes this au has a moodboard i just haven't posted it yet #alex writes things #kit tag #kitweewoos

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