#sincere apologies to my friends who have seen this post on my other social media accounts

[millenniallust4death]

This July, my mom and I are stepping up for a great cause! We're participating in the Multiple Myeloma March, organized by Myeloma Canada. We are committing to walking 200,000 steps around our charming (and often sweltering!) town of Wheatley, Ontario. We'd be thrilled if you would consider supporting our modest goal of raising $392. As a token of our appreciation, every donor will receive a special Martin and GSD postcard (if you feel comfortable sharing your address with me). Check out the donation link below —thank you for your generosity! ❤️

Donate: https://shorturl.at/u84HL

[nemuro-incinerator]

To everyone who’s on my account for Utena content, skip this post. Not only is it unrelated, it’s a messy fandom situation (from the series I was into before Utena) the likes of which I almost never get involved in anymore but has gone far enough that I feel I need to say something. The reblog won’t show up if I’m on my main due to being shadowbanned for the horrific crime of pointing out something stupid a TERF said, and I doubt I’ll be trusted if I use a brand new sideblog, so I’m posting here and putting everything under a readmore. My apologies once again to my Utenaheads, have this as compensation

With that out of the way, apologies for the long post, but I figure it’s best to reblog on the most recent post rather than a more relevant example. I’ve been refraining from saying anything publicly on this topic, as I am at the very least somewhat known in the inner circles of the fandom despite having not been involved since August or so, but this debacle has gone far enough that I feel a need to do so. I was a patron for a long time and have been following Nevermore since August of 2022, which is something I feel I should state not as some sort of flex but to establish that I know what I’m talking about. (Please note that I am not hiding my identity - you can see my main account in my bio. If you would prefer not to go check, it’s @west-of-the-styx)

From my experience in the fandom, giving genuine criticism of the comic and its direction without some layer of anonymity is daunting, as not only is the fandom small and generally positive to the point of excess, the creators are always around. I’ve seen them go after people in various cases, and while some cases were valid, it created an atmosphere where making the wrong comment makes one liable to be publicly dragged by the very people creating the webcomic one criticizes. I do not mean to sound dramatic, but it’s created this veneer of nothing but applause and praise, and I feel that isn’t healthy when engaging with media. Media should be critiqued, and, in the case where it feels socially unsafe to critique media, measures are inevitably going to be taken. 

This can come in a variety of forms - private group chats being the main one - but a public platform such as an anonymous confession account allows for another perspective to be shown in a way that would previously tarnish one’s reputation. Does that I mean I unabashedly support and agree with every take on esoterichistoria’s account? Fuck no. Do I think Nevermore is a terrible webcomic and should be thrown in a dumpster fire? No. Do I think there should be a space for alternate opinions, “quality” or not, to exist and interact with the wider fanbase? Yes, I do. Like it or not, it doesn’t matter how much someone says critique is accepted and we’re all friends here if one’s experience contradicts that. The Nevermore fandom has been quite friendly to me personally, but, based on my own friends’ experiences, it’s at least in part because I never toed the line into posting anything controversial. As I said previously, I haven’t been involved in the fandom for quite a while, but I’ve heard things through the grapevine.

In conclusion, I believe esoterichistoria has every right to run the account they run and that sending them hatemail is going way too far. In the modern age of the internet, hatemail can very easily be a precursor to something worse, and even besides that point it’s frankly rude and immature, which is quite hypocritical from those making the same comments about the very blog getting sent hatemail. Just as Red and Flynn are real people impacted by what others say, so too is Esoteric/Dean Mourn.

If you wish to discuss this matter with me, my DMs are open, but do keep in mind that it’s finals season and I am a college student and as such I may or may not be able to reply in a timely manner. I sincerely hope we can all come to an understanding on this issue, though this is likely the last time I’ll post on it publicly, as I’ve moved on to pink-haired-anime-girl-going-through-horrors pastures. Aralt out

genuinely rlly sorry to hear that ur getting death threats no one deserves that. people in the fandom should really know better than to just send death threats and be hateful its hypocrisy

i think the creators sending that hate ask influenced a lot of people to send hate to you and the thought of that makes me really icky they should rlly know better since theyve got people idolizing them

I’ve actually gotten spam and hate targeted toward me personally after what happened over on discord ���, I’m just confused bc they act as if the confessions I get are my own personal opinions?? 😭 I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong by just posting peoples anonymous opinions and responding to them. If my blog really bothers people so much to get that big of a reaction, then just block. I’ve said this over and over again.

Also, creators shouldn’t be idolized, they are regular people like you and me, especially when their audience is mostly people under 18. Parasocial relationships could come out of this. When you’re a creator, you should keep a distance between you and your fan base, bc treating them like friends or giving special treatment could result in more things like this happening. As adults, they should set a better example and actually speak up when things like this happen, instead of just ignoring it and acting like it’s not their problem. Sure, your fans might not like it, but since you are in a clear position of power, you should not let it get to you. I was honestly very surprised when that happened to me in the discord when I was still sort of a small blog, I hadn’t expected that type of behavior.

Really sorry for the long response but this is something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while 😭

Adding tags so that this will hopefully be the last time I receive anything like that. This blog was created to give people a sort of “safe space” to say their opinions, not for anything else

[americaswritings]

Invisible

Warnings: Angst, Insecurity & Self-doubt, Language

Summary: The reader stays with Tom and his friends during quarantine. To protect her from media and fans, the reader can’t been seen in any social media posts. It leads to her feeling more and more lonely and isolated until she can’t take it anymore.

Words: 2.6k 

Pairings: Tom Holland x reader

A/N: I wrote this when Tom hosted the marvel pub quiz, but completely forgot to post it!

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"That's it. Thank you for joining and taking part in the quiz! I hope you had as much fun as we did and don't forget to post your answers using the hashtag massive marvel pub quiz so we can find your answers easier. Stay safe and healthy. Bye guys!"

You watched as Tom's face disappeared and the live stream ended.

But the excitement that you had felt when you had first heared of the idea of a marvel quiz was gone. Now you just felt empty. And alone.

You knew that you were overreacting, after all Tom and the others were just a few rooms away, but you couldn't help and feel left out. Again.

You weren't invited to join the live stream in the first place so why join them know?

You knew that Tom only wanted to protect you and himself by keeping you out of the public's eye. If they found out that a female in his age was spending the time during quarantine at his house, they would go wild. You could already imagine the headlines that would follow.

After all Tom had exerperienced how far his ‘fans’ and the media would go when a photo of him and Olivia had gone viral.

Only a few blurry images and both Tom and Olivia had been attacked for weeks, even so far that the girl had to make her instagram private, yet the hate comments never stopped.

And Tom knew that he would never risk the chance of you having to read through pages of hate comments of people that didn't even know you. Because if they did, they knew they could never hate you.

You were kind and loving and you cared a little too deeply.

Tom still remembered when you had called him crying, because you didn't feel confident enough to go out after some girls in your class had made it their mission to target all your insecurities and make mean comments whenever you passed them.

He still remembered the anger and hate he felt inside of him when he listened to your sobbing and how the girl's words had gotten to you, to the point you even believed them.

So when you had moved in with him and the boys, he had decided to keep you out of everything that could reveal to the world that you were living with them. You had agreed without a second doubt, because in that moment it seemed the only rational and responsible thing to do.

Now you weren't so sure anymore, because it hurt so much to be invisible every day. You had gotten used to the fact that you could only watch their instagram stories, live streams and tik toks without being able to join them. But what hurt you even more were the little things.

"Hey y/n, could you leave the room for a sec? You are always in the background of the video!"

A second often turned into hours and soon you found yourself retreating to your room more and more to avoid having to leave and get hurt again.

Yesterday you had decided to do a little game night and you felt so carefree that you came to the conclusion that you were being ridiculous and should rather enjoy the time with them instead of obsessing over your feelings. But then you had laughed over something that had been said and Tom has sighed, dropping his phone.

"Great, now I have to delete that, because you were laughing in the background", he stated, clearly frustrated and you felt heat rushing to your cheeks.

"I'm sorry", you mumbled but it sounded more like a question than a sincere apologzy, because really, what where you even apologizing for? Harrsion had leaned over to get a better look at Tom's phone. "That would have been a great post, mate!"

You adverted your eyes, starring at the table and analysing the natural pattern of the wood to try and distract yourself from the embarassment and the tears that had filled your eyes. "I know right", Tom sighed again and you crounched down in your seat even more.

"I will do that again now so you have to be completely quiet now y/n, got it?

You wanted to scream at them, because you weren't dumb and yet they were treating you like a child that had misbehaved and was now lectured. But you only gulped and nodded, fearing that if you said something, your voice would break and reveal how hurt you really felt.

While they recorded the story again, you listened to their loud laughter as you fought back the tears.

Eventually you excued yourself, mumbling something about having a headache, but you doubted that they even noticed.

Now you could hear them laugh again and even though Tom's laugh was one of your favorite sounds, it now cut deeper into your heart like a knife. 

You were still staring at your phone screen where you saw photos of answer sheets already popping up. You had gotten around 20 answers right, but you didn't feel proud.

When Tom had told you about the marvel quiz you had been beyond excited. Since you could remember you loved the marvel movies. Your rooms had been filled with posters and other merchandise and your friends only rolled their eyes when you suggested to watch a marvel movie during your movie nights.

You had build your knowdlege over the years and loved to challenge Tom, who thought of himself as a big marvel fan as well, regarding who knew more about the marvel cinematic universe.

So when he came up with the idea of a marvel live quiz, you insisted to take part and therefore hear the questions for the first time during the stream so you had the same chance as everyone else.

But as soon as Harry and Harrison had joined the live stream your enthusiasm had faded. They were having so much fun and you were sitting in your room, all on your own. The familiar feeling of loneliness and self doubt had accompained you the rest of the live stream and now that it had ended you just wanted to crawl under the covers and weep into your pillow.

Maybe you were clingy and needy and overthinking again, but you couldn't help the overwhelming sadness and you began to doubt if staying with Tom was a mistake and if your friendship meant more to you than the others.

Maybe you should pack your things tomorrow and tell Tom that you needed to go home. He would understand if you claimed to miss the comfort of being at your home but then again, you would be even more lonely.

Frustrated you threw your phone on the nightstand and quickly changed into your pajamas before crawling into bed.

In the darkness of the room the disappointment felt even more overwhelming and you grabbed onto your pillow for comfort.

A knock made you freeze and your heart started pouding in your chest. You prayed that the person would leave you alone and go away if you pretended to be asleep so you stayed silent.

"Y/n?"

It was Tom's voice.

"We want to watch a movie. Wanna join us?"

You knew that he wouldn't go away until the got an answer so you dismissed your plan and braced yourself to speak.

"No, I am tired, but thanks." You hoped that Tom didn't notice how nervous you sounded and after an agonizing moment of silence you could hear him mutter an "okay" and walk away.

Did you imagine it or did he sound disapppointed? Now feeling guilty too, you covered your face in your hands in frustration.

Why did everything have to go wrong?

And wait...did you still have your make-up on?

You let out a sound of frustration when you realized that you had to get up again to wipe off your make-up. You had applied it because you wanted to feel your best during the quiz you had been so excited for, but now it meant walking all the way to the bathroom.

Which meant leaving your room again.

You slowly opened your door, peeking out to check if the corridors were empty. You proceeded to tiptoe to the bathroom and closed the door behind you while relief flooded you. You really didn't want to meet anyone now, not when you felt like breaking into tears every second.

When you looked into the mirror and began to wash your make-up off, you allowed yourself to let the tears flow. A few sobs escaped your mouth, but the bathroom was far enough from the living room so they wouldn't be able to hear you.

Without the make-up on, you felt a little more relaxed and you couldn't wait to get into bed again.

But when you reached your room without running into anyone on the way, you were more than surprised to see that once you had closed the door and turned around, you weren't alone.

Tom was sitting on your bed, looking up at you when you entered the room.

You could conclude from the frown that covered his face that you looked as horrible as you felt. Your eyes were probably still puffy and red from the crying and your hair was in a messy bun.

"Tom?", you stuttered, too shocked to come up with something that would save you from this conversation. "What are you doing here?", you added, hating how weak your voice sounded.

His frown grew even deeper and he mustered your apperance, hurt visible in his eyes.

"You were so excited for the quiz so when you didn't leave your room I grew worried", he explained while you akwardly stood next to the door, leaving as much space between the two of you as possible.

"Oh that- I just didn't feel good so I decided to sleep early today", you tried to brush it off, but you knew that Tom would not fall for it.

"Why have you been crying?"

His question was acommpanied by a stern gaze and you couldn't help feeling guilty and ashamed.

"I- I wasn't", you stuttered, but it didn't even sound believable to your own ears. Tom raised his eyebrow, but when he saw how uncomfortable you looked his features softened.

"Hey, you can talk to me, you know that right? Whatever it is, you can tell me and we can figure this out together." His voice was so gentle and caring that tears filled your eyes again and you silently cursed yourself for being so emotional.

You didn't want to cry in front of Tom. It would not be the first time and when it had happened he had always managed to make you feel better and put a smile on your face again, but you also knew the shame that would follow afterwards.

You didn't want him to think that you were too sensitive.

But the tears weren't only a result of your hurt, no, anger was building inside of you at his words. "Really Tom, really?", you snapped and he flinched in surprise.

"Are you sure you want me to talk to you? Maybe someone is filming an instagram story and I could be heard in the background so I should just say nothing at all. Or even better, why don't I just leave the room so there is a lesser chance that I could ruin your precious masterpieces by just existing."

Tom's eyes had widened at your outburst and you actually felt bad for a second, but then you remembered the many occasions he had made you feel like you weren't good enough and the anger came back.

"You know what? I think it would be best if I just went home. I am done being treated like an outsider and being blamed for everything I do!"

Tom had jumped up from the bed and was crossing the distance between the two of you with large steps, but you raised your hands before he could come closer to you.

"Y/n I am so sorry", he stumbled over his words, desperately trying to find the right words. "I didn't realize- I never would have..." Frustrated he ran a hand through his hair.

"Listen, I screwed up! I didn't realize that my behaviour- that I was hurting you and I am so sorry! I just wanted to protect you and now I am the one making you feel this way. Fuck, I am so sorry!"

His words seemed geniune and your heart ached to step forward and pull him into a hug, but you knew that you could not forget so easily.

"I didn't think that this was so important to you. Why didn't you say anything?" He was rubbing the back of his head, seemingly tensed.

"I don't care much about not being in the stories Tom. But it really hurt whenever I am send away so you can film together or when I am told to shut up so I can't be heard while you all have fun together”, you explained, trying to keep your vice even.

“I just feel like I am a burden to you and if you don't want to spend time with me that's fine I guess but I would appreciate for you to tell me that so I can stop trying and just go home."

"No, no, no it's not like that I swear!” Tom seemed desperate again, articulating with his hands to underline his words.

“I miss spending time with you, I really do and it was stupid of me to let myself being dragged into this whole instagram thing!

You know I am normally not the person to care much about posting, but I thought now that everyone is stuck at home, I could make my fans happy and distract them from the situation by sharing more of my life. I should have never put them before you and I am truly sorry!” You could see the regret clearly in his eyes as he took in a deep breath. 

“Please don't go."

You were biting your lip as you were trying your best to stay calm and not break into tears. You had imagined confronting Tom and letting all your anger and hurt out, but now that he stood in front of you with his eyes full of hurt and regret and his pleading words for you to stay, your anger vanished.

"Are you sure?", you asked him in uncertainty, because you knew you couldn't bare if nothing would change. But Tom desperately nodded. "I am. Tomorrow I am going to post a photo to let my fans now that I am taking a break from social media!"

He looked so determined, so sure, that a warm feeling filled you. "You would do that?"

"Of course! I want to make it up to you and besides I was not lying when I said that I miss spending time with you”, he stated, stepping a little closer to you when you didn’t protest anymore.

“You were so distant the last days and I didn't know what to do, so I thought that I should give you space. Seems like that is the last thing I should have done", he sayed with a sheepish smile covering his face.

"Sorry for being so caught up in myself. I should have said something earlier too", you admitted, a small smile forming on your lips, when you felt the burden fall off your shoulders.

"Hug?", Tom suggested and you didn't have to think twice about it.

When he wrapped his strong arms around you, you realized that going back to your place would have been a mistake. Because at some point your home hadn't been a place anymore. Instead it had become a person and you didn't plan on letting go any time soon.

----

Tags:

PERMANENT: @fairytalesforever @hamartocado @capkilljoy​ @choke-me-sweet-pea @sleepinginthegarden7 @thenoddingbunny-blog @ttalisa​

TOM HOLLAND: @mbsgr​ @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory​ @fairydustparker​ @its-the-unknownspideywrites​ @tomhollanders2013​ @hollandsmiss​ ​ @100kindsofblake​ @popluckbih​ @quaksonhehe​​

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[castiel-left-his-mark-on-me]

Hi, Ary, very inactive ex-mutual(i think???) here. Good to see you thriving! ♥ It's been a while since I've dipped my head into cockles stuff. Could I perchance maybe ask uuuuum tf is going on??? lol I see Mish apparently confirmed he used to stay over at Jensen's in Van, and heard newbs were apparently freaking out about it and getting a bit messy, which I get that, business as usual. But I'm also seeing shit about spin-offs? And Jared getting in a twitter fight with Jensen, causing/resulting in stans to going feral and sending hate?? I know you're not as big a fan of Jar, but that's part of why I figured I'd ask you, you usually have a really level head about this kinda stuff. If you don't wanna answer publically, or at all, that's totally chill!

Hey, Rhi! We're still mutuals! Of course we're still mutuals! When I saw the notification of your ask, I was like "Hey! I haven't seen you in a while!" and my husband was like "???" and I said "Tumblr" and he said "Oh."

It was a wild time haha.

In any case, welcome back to the dumpster fire! We are obviously still a mess. So to catch you up, I guess I will start by summarizing both before and after the finale (not sure where you left off so this might be redundant for you) ... basically, it became obvious as the end of the show neared that Jensen was not on board with the plan for the finale; although Jared never stopped singing its praises.

We got confirmation of this during a zoom interview where Jensen said that he actually went into the writers room as well as called Kripke to basically voice how he didn't agree with the direction the final season was going, but he was shot down on all fronts. In another interview, he was asked "What would you tell your younger self going into this career?" And Jensen responded with: "I would tell myself to just keep your head down and do the work" meaning, "Don't try to change things because you can't." I also think that this whole situation is what he wrote "Let Me Be" about for his first Radio Company album, but that is just my own speculation. All of his reluctance, even though he always followed it up with "But I eventually saw the value in the script" or "I came around in the end" (which never sounded sincere, and I don't think he was really trying to sound sincere) made us all very nervous about what was to come for 15x20; and of course, when the last two episodes aired, we saw just how badly they fucked it up.

After the awful finale, the entire fandom became aware of the CW's heavy handed role in the thing, basically squeezing all the life out of SPN to shape it into a ramp from which Walker could launch itself. They not only erased all the love and joy and representation that Cas's love confession gave us, they also tore apart the things that made sense about the bond between Sam and Dean, making it really just about Sam-- and therefore Jared, which of course, Jared seemed to be fine with ... even though no one else was. Misha barely said anything during the finale, and a few of the other actors talked about the show ending in various posts, but Jared tweeted up a storm ... and Jensen? Jensen just sat in sexy-silent resentment of the whole thing. He didn't tweet, he didn't post, he didn't say a word once he no longer had to, and I think that's because he was already going full-steam-ahead on his plans for redemption.

Which brings us to Chaos Machine-- Jensen and Danneel's new production company that is being run by a queer creative director and has a mantra of inclusivity and representation woven throughout it's fabric; and apparently, the first story that Jensen wanted to tell through this new platform is the origin story of Sam and Dean's parents; so last week (?) he announced the upcoming production of "The Winchesters" -- the untold love story of John and Mary. Obviously, John is not the most likable character from the show, so the idea was met with a lot of resentment when it was first announced, but Jensen has gone on to say that he is excited to take on the task of telling the "true" story behind these characters-- the one that makes sense with the pre-established canon and doesn't reject it. So, given that, the idea is being mulled over with a bit more optimism from the fandom.

Who isn't being optimistic though?

Jared Padalecki.

When Jensen made this announcement on Twitter, many of his friends and coworkers congratulated him, but not Jared. Jared responded with a passive aggressive: "I'm happy for you, man, but I wish I didn't hear about it through Twitter." This of course, sent all the die-hard Jared fans into a tizzy and they immediately began asking him if he was serious (hoping it was just a joke-- we all hoped it was because there would be fallout no matter what one's opinion on Jared is). Instead of leaving it there though or just deleting that tweet, Jared went on to tweet some more, saying that he was being serious that he didn't know about the plans for the prequel, and that he was "gutted" that Sam apparenlty wouldn't be included (mind you, this a prequel to SPN... meaning BEFORE Sam and Dean were even born, so how could Sam be included? But Dean is apparently narrating this story so maybe Jared thought Sam should be helping to narrate it? I don't know). But Jared being Jared couldn't just leave that there, he then went on to tweet at Robbie Thompson who was announced as a writer for "The Winchesters" so then Jared went off on him too, calling him "Brutus" and a "coward" acting like Robbie betrayed him (speculation is-- Robbie refused to write for Walker, so Jared is pissed that he essentially chose Jensen over him). He did fairly quickly, remove that tweet attacking Robbie, but of course the damage was done at that point. And it truly only took his first tweet calling out Jensen for some people to be like "Jared-- that sucks if you didn't know but why are you saying any of this publicly?"

As you might know, Jared has had issues in the past with posting hurtful things on social media, and has even used it as a tool for attack before-- calling out customer service agents and public workers that he felt have wronged him, which is bad enough ... but for him to then do the same thing to his best friend of well over a decade? Many people who had once liked him or at least gave him the benefit of the doubt (I used to ...) stopped after this latest twitter tantrum.

However, some people have suspected for some time that J2 had a falling out either shortly before the finale or just after. Their public/social media interactions have seemed awkward, stilted or even non-existent in moments that they normally wouldn't be. In the past year, when Walker premiered, Jensen didn't say much about his friend's new venture other than a "Congrats. buddy" here and there. Later, we learned that Jensen refused to work on the show ... Jared said he make him do it, drag Jensen to the set "kicking and screaming" which made many fans quirk up an eyebrow because, why would Jensen put up a fight unless the two weren't as close as they used to be? And then Jensen moved his family to Colorado (either permanently or for an extended period at least) which is notable considering how he moved to Texas seemingly to be closer to Jared, even buying a house that was near his. All this was just speculation though; but it wasn't until Jared's tweet complaining about not knowing about the prequel that the theories behind them falling out, became less theory and more fact.

The day after his twitter tantrum, Jared tweeted again-- not retracting his statements or apologizing, but instead saying that he and Jensen "talked" and were "all good". Jensen then tweeted too, parroting this statement to some degree, which only made the whole thing even more sour in the mouths of the fans. The fact that Jared didn't apologize for his outburst and throwing his friend under the bus, and also the fact that Jensen-- Mr. Sexy Silence, Mr. Never Tweets, Mr. Tech-Ignorant-and-Proud, actually had to POST SOMETHING saying that he and Jared made up, it just screamed OPTICS. It was obviously the work of agents and PR firms and lots of people going "Look, if you two keep beefing, that will mean the death of both of your projects. Even more people will stop watching Walker, and this SPN prequel will never get picked up due to the scandal." So, the two "made nice" publicly to quell the chaos, but in my opinion, it's all too little too late. Jared started a storm that he can't contain now with a little tweet, and it seems like he knows that too because before he talked about him and Jensen making up, he asked that people "not send threats". He could have just as easily said that he shouldn't have made this a public issue and that he's sorry, but instead, he continued to play the victim and stoke the flames by alerting us all to the damage he's done.

Now, like I said before-- I used to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think he's an awful human or that he deserves to be attacked or anything, but he is an adult man with very poor judgment and an obvious selfish-streak a mile wide. He should know better, and he should have more respect for his so-called "friends" and "brothers" than to make them targets to public ridicule. I have a hard time believing that Jensen still sees Jared the way he used to, and I wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to pull away-- especially when he's moving on to so many new and exciting things. Jared certainly deserves happiness just as much as anyone else, but he went on twitter and basically asked for a scandal, and he got one.

The question is now-- was there a motive behind it? Was just looking for a reason to bring his and Jensen's falling out to light-- while making himself looking like the victim in the process? Or did he genuinely not know about the prequel and just decided to go about "not knowing" in the most toxic and hurtful way he could manage?

In any case, that is the drama ... that is the J2 insanity in a rather lengthy nutshell ... that is the tea ... and I hope it all makes sense.

But the good news out of all of this is, Cockles is thriving-- they are happy and in love and Jensen calls Misha "Babe" and Misha misses waking up to see Jensen in the morning, and they are just as cute and wonderful as can be.

So, I will end that there. I am so glad to see you back, and I hope I answered all your questions in a way that made sense ... I tried anyway!

💖💖💖

[youareinlovees]

Taylor and Joe in 2019 

January 2nd – Joe is seen leaving Taylor’s Tribeca apartment. (x)

January 6th – They both attend the Golden Globes in LA.

“While Taylor presented, Joe watched the teleprompter near him and smiled and [his The Favourite costar] Nicholas Hoult patted him on the back. After Gaga walked on stage, Joe shifted his gaze to the stage near Taylor. She was smiling at him while she walked off the stage. She looked over her shoulder and gave a sassy cute little smile at his table’s direction.” 

(via US Weekly)

January 6th – An ET reporter asks Joe if he and Taylor would ever work together. (x)

“It’s not planned at the moment but who knows.”

“Swift joined Alwyn at Fox’s party at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. The instant she entered the event, the “Gorgeous” singer made a beeline for The Favourite star, putting her head on his shoulder and hand on his chest. Swift didn’t leave Alwyn’s side, posing for photos and chatting with Alwyn’s co-star, Nicholas Hoult, as she kept her hand around Alwyn’s waist. At the end of the evening, the two exited through the back of the venue and away from the crowds.” 

(via Entertainment Tonight)

FOX Post Show Celebration was also one of the starriest, with The Favourite cast holding court at their table and having a ball throughout the night. Big winner Olivia Colman was seen taking shots with Joe Alwyn, who was accompanied by girlfriend Taylor Swift the whole night. 

The Grammy winner cheered on the cast as they took the shots and was affectionate with her beau throughout the celebration. The ultra-private couple was spotted kissing and cozying up at their table along with Alwyn’s Favourite costar Emma Stone and her Saturday Night Live writer boyfriend Dave McCary. 

(via PEOPLE)

CAA party: Alwyn and Swift made a brief appearance around 1 a.m. Security swarmed them,” the source says. “They sat in a couch at a table with their drinks in the back of the party and were talking with several people. They looked at each other a few times and it seemed like Joe was trying to make sure she was OK and gauge when she wanted to leave. They were then escorted out of a private exit together.”

(via E Online)

Video of them arriving at one of the afterparties.

February 8th – Taylor and Joe are spotted leaving The Spaniards Inn in Hampstead, London. (x)

February 9th – They’re seen walking around in Notting Hill.

February 10th – Taylor skips the Grammys and attends several BAFTA afterparties with Joe instead. (x) (x)

Taylor Swift spotted caressing Joe Alwyn after sneaking into BAFTA dinner (x)

Determined to keep a low profile, Taylor swerved the main event at the Royal Albert Hall attended by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and headed straight to the exclusive dinner at the swanky Grosvenor Hotel on Park Lane.

“Taylor and Joe spent most of the evening in the middle of the room near the head table and based on table 68. They were chatting to colleagues but Taylor didn’t hide her affection towards Joe. She was seen caressing his back as they chatted away to a pal. It was clear they were an item but Taylor appeared conscious not to make a big deal about her appearance - she was just there for a good time rather than working like she would have to at the Grammys. Taylor didn’t leave Joe’s side all evening.”

Keen to keep a memento from the night, Taylor was seen taking home two pottery rabbit table decorations from her table. 

Taylor talked to a Grazia reporter about The Favourite and how proud she was of him. (x)

While Grazia chatted to Joe about working with Olivia Colman (‘She was amazing,’ he gushed), Taylor appeared and gave him a congratulatory squeeze. ‘I was watching the show from home,’ she told us. ‘Every time The Favourite won another award, I was just squealing! I couldn’t believe it,’ she continued. ‘It’s so great for him – and it’s his first time coming to the BAFTAs, so it’s exciting. It’s a big deal.’ The singer, who is currently filming Cats, added how ‘proud’ she was of Joe’s success. 

They were seen leaving the Vogue / Tiffany & Co afterparty. (video) (x)

February 12th – In an interview with ET, Rebel Wilson is asked whether she’s seen Joe on the set of CATS. (x)

“I haven’t! I have met him, but not on set.” 

February 22nd – Taylor and Joe attend the CAA Oscars pre-party in West Hollywood. (x)

February 23rd – The Mirror publishes an article about Olivia Colman and Taylor becoming friends through Joe. (x)

A source revealed: “After the Baftas Taylor sang up a storm with Olivia Colman, Joe and Melissa McCarthy too at a London hotel. They had their own room and Olivia and Taylor were behaving like best buddies.Taylor thinks Olivia is amazing, she loves her and the sing song wasn’t a one off.” The insider added: “They have already made plans for Oscar week. They’re going to have a rerun of the karaoke night and Olivia has even been to Taylor and Joe’s LA home too.”

February 24th – Taylor and Joe hang out with Martha, Camila Cabello and Matthew Hussey at the Vanity Fair Oscars afterparty.

Video of them at the Fox afterparty.

“Taylor Swift made a surprise appearance with her boyfriend, The Favourite star Joe Alwyn. As the party wound down, Swift and Alwyn were overheard contemplating late-night karaoke with Alwyn’s co-star Nicholas Hoult.”

(via Vanity Fair)

February 25th – Joe posts a photo taken in Taylor’s LA house.

March 3rd – Taylor and Joe are seen hiking together in the Santa Monica mountains. (video) 

A picture he took of her is later included in the Lover photoshoot. (x)

March 6th – Taylor drops an ELLE article titled “30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30.″ (x)

How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

April 17th – Emma Roberts and Garrett Hedlund (Joe’s Billy Lynn co-star) visit Joe and Taylor at their LA place. (x)

April 24th – Taylor sends @/daylightanna – a family friend of the Alwyns – reputation merch and a signed photo for her birthday. (x)

April 26th – Taylor posts a video of her cat Benjamin Button, and Joe’s hand is clearly visible at the start of the clip. (x)

April 30th – In the ME! behind the scenes video where Taylor meets Benji, she says she has to “get on the phone” before she can adopt him. (x)

May 1st – In an interview with iHeartRadio Canada, Taylor is asked about how she chose Benji’s name. (x)

What made you decide to go with the name Benjamin Button?

I really liked the movie Benjamin Button.

Okay, that’s a good answer.

And Benjamin Button in the movies is such a good guy, you know? He’s always doing the right thing.

May 2nd – The day after the BBMAs, Taylor leaves Las Vegas for London.

May 4th – Taylor is seen in Notting Hill (again).

May 15th – Taylor is interviewed on The Ellen Show, and at one point Ellen says to the audience, “We have to take a break, and then uh, we’re gonna come back and she’s gonna talk all about her boyfriend!” (video)

May 21st – Taylor leaves LA for London, and then she and Joe fly to France the next day.

May 24th – Taylor and Joe are seen out in Paris together. (x)

They visit the Pont Neuf Bridge and the Square du Vert-Galant, where scenes from the Begin Again music video were filmed.

They also went to the Grand Palais on the same trip.

Joe posts these photos that Taylor took. 

May 25th – In an interview with NRJ Paris, Taylor was asked what she would do if her boyfriend forgot her birthday. (x)

“Wouldn’t happen. I don’t know how to react to something that is an impossibility. I’m so loud about my birthday, you couldn’t miss it.”

May 25th – Taylor likes and reblogs this chain post.

May 26th – Taylor posts photos from her hotel room that Joe most likely took.

May 31st – Taylor and Joe go on a double date with Rob Pattinson and Suki Waterhouse at San Vicente Bungalows in LA. (x)

The San Vicente Bungalows is an exclusive members-only club and has a "no phones, no pictures, no social media, no talking about other members-policy." So it truly is the perfect place for two private couples to have a double date out.

Other people still saw Swift, Alwyn, Pattinson, and Waterhouse, and one onlooker told Us Weekly that the date happened. It was good fun. "The four were laughing and talking" all night, the onlooker said. "They were at a table, just the four of them. Rob and Taylor were across from each other."

June 12th – Katy Perry posts a photo from Taylor’s place, and a blurry polaroid of Joe and Benji can be seen in the corner.

June 19th – Taylor leaves NYC and flies to London.

June 27th – Taylor films the BBC Children In Need documentary and says she got involved because Olivia Colman reached out to Joe.

(via taylorswifth)

Olivia talks about how she managed to get Taylor to show up and surprise Shaun. (x)

“Taylor Swift goes out with a very lovely fella, Joe Alwyn, who I did a job with. And I did a very cheeky text at him and went, ‘Do you think Taylor will come along and surprise Shaun Dooley?’”

June 29th – kingkeir tweets about Taylor renting a place near London Zoo.

July 2nd – Taylor, Martha, Ashley and the HAIM sisters go on vacation to the St Thomas Virgin Islands. (x)

July 6th – Joe finishes filming A Christmas Carol, the same day Taylor and her friends are papped flying back to the US. They presumably meet up in New York the next day.

July 10th – Taylor performs at the Amazon Prime Day Concert in NYC. Throughout the show–and especially during Delicate–she kept looking and pointing at Joe, who was sitting in the soundbooth. (video)

In Ashley’s IG story, Gigi says “Taylor can’t stop looking at him!” and she replies “here text him!” (video)

July 11th – The day after the Prime Concert, they fly from NYC to London.

July 13th – Taylor and Joe were reportedly seen at Starbucks in Muswell Hill.

July 16th – In a radio interview with KIIS 1065, Katy Perry talks about ending her feud with Taylor. (x)

“I started seeing her around at like the Oscar parties when she was accompanying her boyfriend and I just went up to her and I was like 'hey, you know it's been a long time and I think we've grown up a little bit and I just wanted to say I'm sorry.”

July 18th – Taylor and Joe fly to Manchester, and it’s pretty likely that this photo (posted on July 26) was from this trip, because it was taken at the Peak District and that’s an hour long drive from Manchester.

July 20th – Joe and Taylor arrive in LA.

July 24th – Taylor likes this post. 

July 23rd – Taylor films the Lover music video in LA. Joe and Andrea are seen sitting together on set. (x)

July 25th – Riley Knoxx posts a vlog on her YouTube channel about her experience of being in the YNTCD video. She talks about her conversations with Taylor on-set, and how Taylor showed her photos of her with Joe. (x)

“We talked about everything, from whether we want kids or not, [Taylor] showed me videos of her cats and her boyfriend, who she’s rarely seen with, but she’s showing me, you know, the pictures.”

July 30th – In an interview with Cosmopolitan, Rebel Wilson is asked whether she got some dating tips from Taylor while they were filming CATS. (x)

“She’s in a pretty committed relationship now, so it didn’t really come up.”

August 2nd – London secret sessions are held.

Taylor name dropped Joe when explaining Cruel Summer, confirming that it’s about him. (x)

She also talks to theirgetawaycar about spending Christmas in Ireland, which stacks because we know she spent the holidays with Joe and their families at Glin Castle.

-

Keep reading

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2016 // 2017 // 2018 // 2020 // 2021

[bookwyrminspiration]

WAIT. I'm late to the party but I just remembered all those anons were sending in "why I send you asks" and their reasons and I actually really want to participate, so I hope you will accept late applications?

The reason I send you so many asks is because you've just...built such a nice feeling that anything can be discussed, and it's never too niche or cringy or boring, and that's really relieving and amazing.

I'm sure you (along with many others) have realized by now, but I suffer from....really bad anxiety, both social anxiety and just in general, and it very often gets in the way of my life. Because of this and past experiences, I'm always very scared and hesitant to talk about my interests and my thoughts on anything.

But every time I've sent you an ask, even if it was, in retrospect, probably really annoying to read through the one hundred "sorry"s and "my bad"s, you've always been nothing but kind and interested in my ideas, and that was just...so surprising. Because I never really knew anyone who was willing to talk about anything, and it was just...really amazing to meet someone who was! Especially because I love and am interested in so many different things and kind of need someone to bounce ideas at. And it was really cool to see someone that was unashamed of their own interests and thoughts, but didn't make others feel bad for having different ideas.

Every time I send you an ask, you always have something interesting to say back. Something I hadn't thought of or considered, or a query that would make me rethink my own theories, or just a very well-thought-out answer to a question. I remember sending in tons of asks about the wings AU before it was released, and writing those was probably the highlight of my day, because I knew you'd take them and run with the ideas, and do your best to match my energy, and I was really grateful for that. And you were always willing to dig deeper, to think "but what if there was more?" and that's just...incredible! I don't have any other word for it!

I love sending you asks because you don't dismiss an idea or deem it as stupid, and you're just...such a kind and wonderful person that can make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before, and you never fail to make me consider things again, to expand my thoughts and views, and I'm really grateful for that.

So, because it should definitely be said by now, thank you!

And, well, that's why I love sending you asks :]

- pyro

there is no timeline so there's no way to be late! and I'm answering this a few days after you sent this, so if you believe yourself to be late then we can both be late together :D. you are fully welcome to participate if you want to (which you said you did)! it was mostly just a random question I had because i'm just as analytical with myself as I am with keeper, and knowing how other perceive and think of me is helpful for that--and I was curious about how i'd aquired so many asks so quickly, and then you all just turned it into complimenting quil hours for some reason !! (but on to your ask before I get even more distracted)

(note from a quil who has answered all of this: got very long so that's why there's a readmore! i love you /p)

this means so much to me--specifically your use of "built" because I do try pretty hard to maintain a positive atmosphere and welcome everyone in and treat everyone with the same attention. it didn't just fall into place, i try to be encouraging to everyone and support all the amazing work--art, writing, ideas, etc--I see from people. (note: i've been wanting to do a thing where I ask for fic/art/other recommendations from others (can be friends or their own) so i can go through and reblog a bunch of them with comments and the like, I just want to get through more of my asks before I start something like that). But you're right--nothing is too niche! there's so many details in the story it's impossible for one person to notice anything, so people bringing up the obscure and their own thoughts makes the story richer and more fleshed out for everyone else! and i think it's really cool to just see what other people focus on (like I said, my analysis isn't limited to characters, but I'm not like dissecting you all to understand each of you in a creepy way or anything. I just like to get a better sense of someone so I can respond in a way more tailored to them when we interact)

anxiety can really suck, so as someone who also has anxiety i am giving you a comforting hug if you'd like one. it genuinely impacts everything you do and think about, rewriting how you experience life. a single, inconsequential experience to someone else can literally change major aspects of how we think, which makes interactions so scary sometimes. i remember things people said years ago and still base my actions around them, but those people have absolutely no recollection of ever saying it, but just the fear of having done something wrong once permanently altered my thinking. (this is not to make this about me, I'm just trying to show I understand by sharing an experience of my own).

reading through all your "i'm sorry"s and "my bad"s wasn't annoying and never will be. you have never had anything to apologize for, and I know that sometimes you feel you need to enter a conversation and first apologize for being there, but I'm thrilled to have you here and always love seeing you in my inbox. I don't know how to articulate this properly, but I'm going to try. i saw your apologies and your apprehension as...a puzzle? that's absolutely not the right word but I can't think of the right one so please let me explain (I don't mean to imply you're like something to be solved or a problem in any way. words can be difficult and I'm trying to describe something very intangible rn, so I hope this doesn't sound bad). I didn't see it as annoying (you're never annoying), I saw it like it was something to work through, and while it's not my job or anything to help other's with their personal problems, it was like if I could just provide one space where I could encourage you (not just you, but anyone) as a friend to try shifting your language and start thinking of yourself more positively, then I wanted to give that.

because I am interested in your ideas! and I want to be kind and welcoming to you! but I also want you to be kind to yourself, so any impact I've had to give anyone a safer, less scary space is really cool. I don't know if that made sense, but I'm not trying to talk down to you or anything or be like I'm this high and mighty figure harboring lost souls or something, just that connection is important and I like being there for people. kinda worried that sounded bad because it feels worded strange but I'm trying to reciprocate and say i appreciate you and am happy to talk about anything!

i love bouncing ideas back and forth and you are more than welcome to say anything and everything you're thinking about. talking to you is always an absolutely joy and I get so excited when you send me an ask and when you're reading my response, because it often feels like this like...buzz? like we're just vibing on this frequency and it makes it so much fun to throw ideas back and forth and just listen to each other talk. i am very glad to have surprised you and met you! I don't know a lot of people like myself either, so having someone like you interact with me and just go all out on these little things and what we personally like about different parts of the so much fun. a lot of the other people I know irl feel like they just scratch the surface, they say things just to get credit for it and to appear like they know what they're talking about while ignoring all these other things that have such an impact, so it's amazing to have found someone else who looks at everything and anything like I do. my brain really is "a little bit of everything all of the time" so knowing you have so many different interests too is really cool. i am giving you an internet high five and pretending you aren't so far away.

I spent so much of my life being quiet when I had so many thoughts, so now that I have this kind of outlet I just! want to say everything I can! i want to look at everything from every perspective possible! the world is a huge collection of things tied together and I love following the strings to find the connected pieces! but I think that's a way of approaching the world not a lot of people share (I could be wrong), so it's really cool to hear you think my thought process is interesting!! my brain is practically composed entirely of questions. any subject at any time of the day and nearly all of my thoughts are just wanting to know more and trying to understand things, so having that opportunity to ask further questions and just learn things (about what other's thing, how things work, etc) is so much fun. you might've seen me ask some questions of other's in a few of the asks I answer, but those barely scratch the surface of just how many I have. my handle is in_quil_sitive (inquisitve) on nearly every social media platform (except for this one) for a reason.

I remember some of your asks from before the wings au was published, too. those were absolutely incredible, and I got a rush of excitement every time I saw you sent another. those were the the highlight of my week, too!! your enthusiasm and excitement for something I hadn't even posted yet gave me so much motivation to continue and you helped me think through so many future ideas and consider things from new perspectives. i know i specifically wrote that you inspired one chapter in the notes, but you've had an impact on every single chapter of this story/ it wouldn't be what it is without you, and I mean that with complete sincerity. you were the one who made me think "what if there was more" so I could make this au even better and work towards something bigger. I just have so many thoughts about everything all of the time, I can't go more than a few minutes without being distracted by a different train of thought, but knowing there was someone who would want to hear all the weird, disjointed ideas i'd strung together and composed into a more cohesive format was so cool. there's just so much to think about!!

I probably sound repetitive at this point but I love answering your asks because you're so receptive to the way i say things and it's like you're actually listening and want to hear what I specifically have to say, not just the general ideas. you want to know my unique, personalized opinions and perspectives and don't just dismiss them when they're not what you expect to hear or aren't generic. you're incredibly kind, too, I hope you know. I love the description of how I can "make even the most obscure subject infinitely more interesting than before." that is such a meaningful compliment to me. I just keep thinking about this line over and over again and it just...it really means a lot. because you're saying it's me that interests you and not just what I talk about. I could talk about anything and you'd still want to interact with me and that's so fucking nice. I hope you know the same goes for you. we can challenge each other's thinking together and make things even deeper and more complex before together <33.

thank you for being here and being my friend, pyro. talking to you is always one of the highlights of my day and gives me a very positive feeling that I carry around for a while. I do this thing sometimes where I film myself to later observe my behaviors in the middle of intense emotions to understand myself better (back to that whole analysis thing again), but it's not just negative things, it's also when I'm really excited or pleased with something and jumping around and stimming and all that, and some of those are from when I interact with you. that might sound a little weird but I mean it positively, as in talking with you makes me ecstatic.

I have said. so many things. so I will stop (for now). but I really appreciate having you in my life <33

[mr-jaybird]

so, i’ve seen a lot of discourse on here over the last week about redemption, forgiveness, kindness, and who deserves those things. and i had something that happened in my real life today that i want to share:

as of this year, i graduated high school 10 years ago. when i was in high school, i had someone who was sometimes a friend and sometimes a bully, mostly depending on if other people were around. we’ll call this person K

in high school, i did not fit in, and i did not pass as a cis straight girl. i ended up coming out as a lesbian when i was 16 in a very homophobic and dangerous environment. K was also gay--deep in denial when we first met freshman year, but admitting it and deep in the closet by junior year. K and i were on the same basketball team together, where i was the only openly gay player and also the team misfit. when we were alone, K was nice to me, and even confided in me, but around other people K often picked on me, both verbally and occasionally physically

K was not a good friend to me, and in all honestly did not “deserve” my kindness at the time. i ended up quitting the basketball team due to its homophobia and just drifted away senior year. i hadn’t spoken to any of them in ten years

but K was still following me on social media (IG, FB), which i allowed because even when i was a teenager, i recognized most of the bullying was coming from internalized homophobia and a bad home life. that did not make it acceptable--but for me, it did make it understandable. i very rarely post on those sites, but since i just got married i had made a few posts detailing my happiness now, all of which K liked and even left supportive comments on. and i was like maybe.

i reached out to K today, who in the last ten years had come out, gotten gay married, and worked on their mental health. K gave me a very genuine, very sincere apology for how they had treated me when we were kids. more than that, K told me that my kindness when we were in high school had saved their life

it was an fucked up, borderline abusive friendship when we were kids. but the fact that i chose to be kind (and to walk away when it got too much) gave K what they needed to survive and become a better person--the person who gave me the apology i needed ten years later. we have mutually decided to try to build a healthy friendship as adults, because we do have some roots there and at least for me, it’s nice to have people who knew me from before (adulthood, transition, you name it)

i’ve faced a lot of cruelty in my life, and i have always chosen to be kind, and to forgive. not necessarily to keep contact--but to stop holding on, for my own sake. i had chosen to forgive K many years ago now. to now have a chance to have a real friendship and know that my forgiveness, freely given, and my past kindness, undeserved, could result in someone still being alive to be a better person and a real friend gives me validation for my entire worldview

i guess i’m saying, it isn’t really about “deserve”. K did not deserve my friendship then, but in part because of it grew up to go through the real life redemption arc of choosing to be a better person

i’m not saying be friends with or continue relationships that are abusive--this was a complicated situation in lots of shades of grey. but i do believe that redemption is a thing that all people can reach for, and i would rather not quantify some people as being beyond it. they shouldn’t expect contact, or forgiveness, or goodwill, but if someone wants to be a better person, why stop them? and if any individual person chooses to offer contract, forgiveness, or goodwill, it’s important to respect that, with the obvious caveat of “as long as it is not harmful to them”

sincerely, a person who is an absolute sucker for redemption stories for largely personal reasons

[yehet-about-it]

I Like Me Better | 07 - The Housewarming

~ A Wayv Social Media AU Series ~

< Prev || Series Masterlist || Next >

Synopsis: You’ve just moved into a new apartment with your best friend Yangyang, but you’re immediately faced with a problem: your incredibly noisy upstairs neighbour Xiao Dejun, or to friends, Xiaojun. You spend the first few weeks of your acquaintance hating his guts, but after a sincere apology and a fascinating revelation about his passions and motivations you slowly begin to see past his cold exterior to discover the real him. What will happen as you get closer to this troubled boy and how will those closest to you react?

Themes and Warnings: Swearing, references to drinking/alcohol.

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Word Count: 1.4k

You downed the rest of your drink as you sat on the sofa, watching your friends completing a series of ridiculous dares, including your brother giving an embarrassed looking Winwin a less than scintillating lapdance. You sighed as the deliberately loud music pounded in your head, looking down at your phone. As much fun as you were having, your mind kept drifting to Kun and how he still wasn’t here. It wasn’t that you were overly attached to him, but you’d known him for a long time and he’d been so supportive in helping you find the apartment and with the whole moving process, so celebrating without him there felt somewhat hollow. You also didn’t want him overworking himself. He was incredibly passionate about his work and you knew how much he loved it but sometimes he stayed through the night working and you worried about him. Part of you was also a little mad he was prioritising work over you, but that could be forgiven, eventually. Hopefully he’d be done with work soon and save you from your brother who was now twerking per request of Yangyang who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying Jungwoo’s incredibly embarrassing display of dance skills.

You were snapped out of your thoughts when you heard your brother yelling your name as the next person to do a truth or dare. “Huh?” you questioned, not yet realising you had been chosen to have a turn. “Come on y/n, stop looking so miserable! Truth or dare?” yelled Renjun, giggling next to your brother. Miserable huh? You’d show them. “Hmm, truth!” you declared, feeling a little bolder as the drink you’d just downed started to kick in. Truth was always the riskier option with these guys because they had the uncanny ability of being able to tease you about just about anything, whereas their dares were generally quite tame. “Hmm…” Jungwoo made a show of thinking about his question. “Would you, or would you not, hook up with your neighbour upstairs?” he said with a smirk. Your eyes widened at his question. The absolute cheek of your brother. “What?! Dejun? Why would I want to do that?!” You squeaked. Even though he was relatively attractive, the thought had never crossed your mind, you choosing rather to be preoccupied with holding a grudge against him for his loud music that kept you awake most nights. “You did say he was sort of handsome…” Winwin piped up. You snapped your head to look at him with a scowl. “So? He’s still an asshole,” you said. “You don’t like bad boys then?” Jungwoo said, a smug look plastered across his face. You raised an eyebrow. What kind of question was that? “I don’t know? It’s not like I have a type! Anyway, we agreed – no follow-up questions!” you said, very much done with the topic. “Haha, fiiiine, whatever, now your turn” your brother said, thankfully not pushing you on the matter. “Okay… Winwin…”

You continued on playing the game for a while longer before the group dispersed and you found yourself nonchalantly clearing away various bottles and cans that had been left lying around. You were brushing a can off of a table into your trash bag at the back of the lounge as Yangyang popped up over the back of the couch, clearly about to say something, when you heard shuffling out in the corridor. You had left the front door open for any late arrivals, that mainly consisting of Kun, so you could occasionally hear movement from out in the stairwell down your hall. Since you had had perhaps one too many drinks, your mind instantly went to your absent friend. “Kun!” you exclaimed, rushing towards the door, leaving Yangyang to slouch back down on the couch, the terrible joke he was about to spring on you left unsaid.

You got to the door, trash bag still in hand, only to find three young men arriving on your landing. “Kun?” you called out, before realising the three men were not your dear friend. They looked at you in surprise as you burst through the open door having expected to only find one handsome young man. As you looked them over left to right, you realised one of them was Lucas, the friend of your rude upstairs neighbour, along with two other men you hadn’t seen before. “Oh” you said, disappointed that yet again it wasn’t Kun at your door. Lucas smirked as he saw you emerge into the stairwell. “Sorry… I thought you were someone else” you said, blush rising in your cheeks. “Haha well sorry to disappoint you” Lucas said with a cheeky smile. “Y/n right?” You gulped, nervous to actually talk to Lucas in person for the first time, despite the alcohol in your system. “Uhh yeah! And you would be Lucas?” He nodded. “You having a party or something? “Uh yeah, just a little housewarming thing… You’re going to see Dejun?” you asked. You mentally facepalmed. ‘Why else would they be here?!’ you thought. “Mhm” Lucas hummed in affirmation, nodding. Then he looked at toward the man on his left, who was looking back at him with a curious smirk. “Oh, this is Ten and Hendery” he said gesturing to the men either side of him. “We’re all friends with Dejun,” he explained. “O-oh, nice to meet you, I’m y/n, me and my friend just moved in a couple of weeks ago” you said, shifting on the spot, not noticing the footsteps steadily making their way up the stairs towards you. “So you’re the neighbour we’ve heard so much about?” said the boy to the right of him, apparently called Hendery. “You have?” you questioned, bewildered as to what they might know about you. Clearly those boys had been gossipping, not unlike yourself. You were somewhat saved however, as the person you had been waiting for appeared on your landing.

As Hendery opened his mouth to say something, you noticed your friend as he drew closer to you and your face lit up, excited and thankful he was here. “Kun!” “Hey cute stuff,” Kun smiled softly walking towards you, affectionately wrapping one arm around you before turning to face the three men on your landing. “And who might this be?” he said calmly, smiling at the boys. “Hey” you started, smiling up at him, then turning to the three mysterious men on the landing. “This is Lucas, Ten and Hendery, they’re all friends with Dejun, the neighbour upstairs”. “Ah, cool, pleased to meet you, I’m Kun” he said pleasantly, but almost ingenuinely, you thought, stretching out his arm to shake all of their hands. After shaking hands, an almost awkward silence ensued, and not being comfortable with such instances, you stirred the courage to speak up again. “Well, we should probably get back to the party, everyone’s been waiting for you Kun…” “Ah sure,” he said, giving your shoulder a squeeze. Awkward tension seemed to arise as you waited for a response from the surprisingly attractive group of men gathered on your landing. “Sure, well have a good night y/n” Lucas spoke, alleviating the silence and giving you a nod, before shifting slightly, signalling to the others it was time to move on. “Uhuh. You too,” you hummed as they turned to make their way up the next flight of stairs to Dejun’s flat.

When they were almost out of sight, Kun’s arm fell from your shoulder to his side as you turned to face him. “You’re late” you said half teasingly, half genuinely irritated, giving him a pouty look. “I know I’m sorry…” he said, pouting back at you. “Work things, you know…” You nodded in understanding. You were a little annoyed, but Kun’s work was important so you found it in yourself to let it go. “Shall we?” Kun continued, holding his hand out as to usher you back inside your apartment. You smiled brightly, glad he was finally here and made your way back into your apartment. “Interesting friends…” he uttered as you led him through the entrance corridor to your party. You shrugged stopping in your tracks to turn behind to look at him. “Oh, I just met them. Actually I thought they were you when I heard them coming up the stairs, I mean, that’s why I went to the door…” you admitted. Kun looked at you and chuckled affectionately. “Well, you were close, I’m here now” he said. “You are,” you said, grinning before taking Kun’s hands in yours and dragging him towards the open area between your living room and kitchen where most of the party seemed to be happening.

“HEY GUYS!! KUN’S HERE!”

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[thewayshedreamed]

This Time— Part 5

A Nessian Fan Fic

Fic Masterlist

This chapter was a tough one for me to write. I got stuck a few times with the order of things (for this chapter and the following ones). Once I decided on that, the angst in this one was a little emotional for me to write, then edit. So, proceed with caution. That’s the official angst warning!

On a more positive note, this is a definitive turning point toward resolution, so it WILL get better! Thanks again for all of you who have offered your feedback and followed the story. Knowing y’all are enjoying this little au with me makes it all the more fun to write 😊

Trigger warning for short depiction of grief.

——————————————————————————

Birthday breakfast was really more of a birthday lunch the day after celebrating at Rita’s. Elain was sitting at the small island of Nesta’s kitchen, nursing a Gatorade and holding her head in her hands. Feyre was next to her scrolling through her phone. She was doing intel on their group’s collective social media updates, and so far, there were no embarrassing posts to deal with.

Nesta was mixing pancake batter, periodically folding in chocolate chips. Chocolate chip pancakes were reserved for Archeron birthdays or holidays, and they looked forward to sharing them when the occasions presented themselves. She poured some of the batter into her skillet, absently watching for bubbles as her indicator they were ready to flip. After making the initial flip, she walked to her refrigerator and produced a bottle of champagne with orange juice.

“Who wants to open the champagne for birthday mimosas?” She set both bottles on the island, with glasses, before turning her attention back to the pancakes. Elain’s only response was a long groan. Feyre giggled, pulled the champagne toward her, and started untwisting the cage over the cork.

“What’s the expression, El? Hair of the dog? It may make you feel better.” She stood away from the island to pop the cork. The last things they needed were physical injuries.

“I guess it can’t make me feel any worse, right?” She picked her head up from her hands. “I’m going to go grab my phone,” she said, with a cringe. She padded away to Nesta’s room, returning seconds later. She was scrolling through her phone as she walked and stopped short once she met the threshold of the kitchen, a horrified expression on her face.

”Why the fuck would I have deleted all of my texts last night?!” Her voice was more shrill than normal, and her sisters’ eyes grew at her use of “fuck” during pancake breakfast.

It was Feyre who dared answer her. “Umm... I have no idea. Maybe it was an accident?”

”That’s a pretty impressive accident.” Nesta realized her comment wasn’t helping as her sisters glared in her direction.

Elain continued. “I’ll tell you why. Because drunk me tried to hide something from sober me.” She paused for a second, blushing. “My evidence, in case you were wondering, is a text from Azriel that says: ‘*laugh emoji* Not cool. You had me worried there for a minute, Ellie. Goodnight. Hope you enjoyed your birthday.’” She glanced up at them in horror.

Nesta gave her a small smile. “Ellie, I’m sure it’s nothing. Even drunk you couldn’t have said anything too terrible. Maybe just talk to Az? It would be better than wondering.”

Elain sat down, her anxiety palpable in the small kitchen. She was quiet save for the nod she’d given her sister in acknowledgment of her advice. Nesta assumed maybe she could use a little more encouragement since she didn’t look wholly convinced.

“I really think it’ll be okay. Az is reasonable and has probably said his own fair share of drunken things he would care to take back.” She offered a short chuckle before sipping her mimosa. “You could call him, maybe, or—“

”Nes, are you really preaching to me about communication right now?”

Nesta blinked, taken aback by the irritation in Elain’s voice. “I wasn’t trying to preach, El. I just meant you didn’t have to worry and could trust Az to give you a chance to—“

”The same way you gave Cassian a chance to fix whatever the hell you’re holding against him? Why should Az be any more gracious than you’ve been?” Elain snapped. Her shoulders rounded a little at her own words, and Feyre’s eyes grew to the size of two steel blue saucers.

“Cauldron, Elain,” she said, looking from one sister to the other. Her back was straight, anticipating Nesta’s best weapons: her words.

Nesta took several seconds to reflect on their current situation. It was such an unexpected shift, where Elain was the one throwing insults, and Feyre, of all people, was defensive of Nesta. She wasn’t used to this type of interaction with Elain, and her words stung more than she was willing to admit. She finished her mimosa in one swift gulp and placed her dishes in the sink.

“Lucky for you, Azriel is nowhere near as disappointing, or shitty, as I am. I’m going to shower while you two finish breakfast. I’ll bring you home when you finish.” Her tone was neutral, dry even. By all measures, it was on the milder side for Nesta. She was halfway to the bathroom when she heard Elain’s wavering voice.

“Nes, wait. I’m sorry I didn’t mean—“

“Don’t ever apologize for saying what you mean, Elain,” she said, coldly, before walking the rest of her way. She couldn’t get out of there fast enough, wanting to leave the gaping wound that Elain had ripped open far behind her.

——————————————————————————

The following week went by fairly quickly. Elain and Nesta had made up within the day, Elain insisting that she had spoken from her own nerves rather than how she truly felt. She asked if Nesta wanted to talk about what happened with Cassian, but she declined, saying it wasn’t a big deal. She tasted the lie the second it left her mouth, but she shoved that down with everything else.

Her attention to the day of the week was higher than usual in anticipation of Wednesday. She was oddly preoccupied with a day that truly meant nothing to her, but it had haunted her since she overheard Cassian’s conversation with Alis. When the day finally arrived, she found herself ruminating over their conversation, letting her imagination run wild with the possibilities of how they were spending their time.

She told herself that she didn’t care beyond the fact that he would usually tell her all about these sorts of things. Gods, it bothered her to no end that she wasn’t his person anymore.

That Thursday, she found herself getting ready for dinner with Tomas. He had called her that Monday to see if she’d like to go out, and she didn’t have a reason not to. She may have even wanted to go. The downside, when the day arrived, was that it happened to be a particularly brutal work day. She was at home touching up and mentally preparing herself for a couple of hours of conversation. She would usually call Cassian for pep talks on days like this, but their non-friendship was a dealbreaker in that department. Not to mention, he likely wouldn’t have cared to give her a pep talk for this particular night. Gods, it bothered her to no end that he wasn’t her person anymore, either.

Dinner had been fine enough. Tomas looked handsome and seemed completely engaged with her the entire night. He was interested in her work, how her life had been since he’d last seen her, and her friends. He made brief mention of her mother and how he had been really sad to hear that she passed a few years ago. His condolences were sincere, but Nesta found herself oddly defensive at his mention of her. He hadn’t known her well, since their relationship hadn’t lasted long, and she felt like he couldn’t possibly imagine the void she left in their lives.

She resisted any response beyond a “thank you”, knowing that her reaction was likely due to her death anniversary coming up within the week. The rest of the night had gone well. The food was good, the conversation was fine, Tomas was fine. They had a fine time together. Everything was just fine.

Which is why, she assumed, that Tomas had tried to kiss her at the end of the night. He had driven her home, walked her to the door, and hugged her goodbye. As he pulled away, his cheek lingered next to hers, face turning toward her in slow motion. She cleared her throat abruptly and reached into her bag for her key.

“Well, thanks for tonight! I had a nice time.” She had the key in the lock, and she was already mentally selecting her sweatpants for the evening.

“Wait.” Thomas grabbed her elbow, turning her around. “Why are you being so weird? I thought we had a good time?”

”We did. I just said I had a nice time.”

”You seem to be rushing out pretty fast for a person having fun.” He paused for a few seconds to allow her to insist that she was having fun, or to invite him inside, she thought. She did neither.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Is it Cassian?”

She knew she was balking at him, but she didn’t have it in her to control it.

“Are you kidding me? Just because I’m ending the night without kissing you or asking you to come inside and fuck me, there has to be a man responsible? Could it be because this night has taken us as far as it was ever going to?” She rolled her eyes, turned the key, and walked inside. “Goodnight, Tomas,” she said, as she shut the door in his face.

She kicked her shoes off in her entryway and tossed her purse onto the small table next to her door. She removed her dress over her head as she walked purposefully to her bedroom and ripped her sweatpants out of the too-full drawer. She pulled on an extra large t-shirt and went to the kitchen to pour herself some red wine. She settled onto her couch, put on some mindless television, and tried to relax.

She reflected over the night’s events. She was honest when she told Tomas that they had a fine time. She had enjoyed herself tonight, and she started to feel a twinge of guilt for snapping at him in her doorway. He hadn’t done anything wrong before asking that question, and if she was honest with herself, she knew why it bothered her so much. It’s not that he wasn’t handsome, that he was unkind, or that he was disrespectful. It wasn’t even that he had misjudged and asked the wrong question. The truth hammered through her brain like an ambush, and she was utterly incapable of stopping it.

He’s not Cassian.

——————————————————————————

Nesta watched several episodes of a home renovation show as she worked through her bottle of wine. She decided that it was the perfect type of show to watch on nights like tonight, where she was knee-deep in her thoughts. Her earlier revelation had sunken its claws into her brain, and she was having trouble thinking of anything else. She wasn’t sure at what point she had stopped fighting it— either glass 2 or glass 3. She finally allowed herself to take a critical look at all these pent up emotions, and noteworthy memories of Cassian started to play through her mind like a montage.

She is sitting in the passenger seat of an older, black pick-up truck. Cassian is driving, and they have the windows down to feel the cool fall breeze. They’re going for a leisurely drive because he got his license just yesterday, and he loves the freedom it’s given him. He doesn’t have to be a slave to his home life or his abusive father anymore. He can just drive. She makes a joke, and he’s laughing now. His mid-length waves are dancing around his face, and he turns to look at her for mere seconds before looking back at the road.

She sipped her wine thoughtfully, noting the memory as the first time he ever took her breath with how beautiful his joy could be. She remembered how her chest had burst with pride at being able to make him laugh and smile like that, despite his pain. She noted now what she was too scared to admit then: there was little she wouldn’t do to protect his happiness.

It’s junior prom, and she’s posted against the wall with a bottle of water. Her date is a total jerk, and she’s hoping that maybe he’ll just leave. His departure would be better than pretending to enjoy herself anymore. She sees Cassian approaching her from her left. He looks so much more mature in his tux, half of his waves tied back in a knot at the back of his head.

“Hey, Archie. Where’s your date?”

She chuckles softly. “I don’t know. But I think I like it that way. He’s kind of the worst.”

Cassian frowns. “Well, he’s an idiot, then. Dance with me?” He extends his hand to her, palm up, and offers her a half-smile. He looks almost nervous, and her heart swells with affection for him.

“Always. You’re my favorite person here.”

She wiped the tears from her face, not sure of when she started crying. The feeling now so vivid; her favorite person. The truth of that statement refused to be downplayed. She shook her head, realizing it to be as accurate as ever.

It’s her sophomore year of college, and her friends are at a local bar celebrating the end of finals. She hasn’t been able to see them nearly as often this semester, and she’s enjoying their time together. At a certain point, a guy she doesn’t know gets awfully too comfortable with her, and he’s touching her all over. She tries to walk away, and he grips her arm tightly as she fights against him. He’s so much stronger than she is, but her brain can only focus on getting away from him. Just before the panic sets in, she sees two familiar figures approaching from the side. Faster than she can note what is really happening, Azriel is separating the guy’s hand from Nesta’s arm and is shoving him too easily away from her. She’s immediately wrapped in a tight hug, her face tucked tightly into Cassian’s chest. She inhales his scent as she steadies her breath, and she clutches the back of his shirt like a lifeline. She isn’t truly crying, but tears are starting to pool in her eyes from the sheer relief of being safe with him. He pulls back only as much as he needs to cup her face with his hands. His brow is deeply furrowed as he scans her face in that knowing way of his, and his lips form a tight line. He is painfully concerned. He is furious. He is fighting all of those things to remain even for her.

“Are you okay? Nes, please. Talk to me. Tell me you’re okay.”

”I’m okay.” Her response is quiet, robotic.

“He’s gone. Azriel took care of it.”

She was yearning for a sense of normalcy, the intensity of his care becoming too much. She resorts to humor as she usually does.

“I’m surprised. It’s usually you who runs straight to the front lines. Forever the hero.” She cracks a small smile, hoping it’ll comfort him.

He’s still holding her face in his large hands. He drops his gaze briefly as he shakes his head, and when he looks back at her face, he’s wearing an ironic sort of smile.

“All I could see was you.”

The memory knocked the breath out of her, having been so long since she had thought about it. She understood his meaning then, but it hit her with a renewed vigor now. She superseded his basic instincts to protect, eliminate the threat. When it came to her, he trusted no one else and had to personally ensure she was okay. He would throw himself between her and anyone or anything that threatened her, and he would do it happily. Her heart clenched as she thought about how no one else could have made her feel comfortable or calmed her under those circumstances. Another tear rolled down her cheek at how careless she had been with his heart and how much she had taken him for granted. At how much she had always lied to herself. Because she was feeling particularly masochistic, she entertained one last memory, her tears pouring.

Her mother is terminally ill, and the doctors believe she will leave them any day now. It’s 3 AM, and her phone rings. Her father tells her she’s gone, and she holds herself together until she hangs up the phone. She is panicking; can’t catch her breath. Her father is calling Elain and Feyre, and they are supposed to meet at his house when they can get themselves ready. She doesn’t know how she will face this. She can’t do it. She can’t do it. She Can’t. Do. It.

Her fingers work automatically, pressing Cassian’s contact and putting him on speaker phone. Holding it to her face seems too taxing, and her tears will smear all over the screen. He answers in two rings, his voice gravelly with sleep.

”Nes?”

Her only answer is a choked sob, followed by several attempts at catching her breath.

“Nesta. I’m on my way. Stay on the phone with me.”

She complies, finally mastering herself enough to say, “Momma” through her sobs.

“Nesta. Sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I’m in the truck now. Please stay with me.”

Everything else is a blur except for hearing him come through her door. He opens her bedroom door swiftly, obviously in a hurry to get to her. He leaves the bedroom light off, allowing the hallway lighting to be his guide to her. His weight is shifting the mattress next to her, and he’s leaning against the headboard. He easily pulls her into his lap, and she’s tucking her face into his neck as she cries. She curls her legs into herself, and he holds her for what feels like seconds and years. She feels something wet soaking into the shoulder of her t-shirt and realizes his tears are falling as well.

He drives her to her father’s once she’s ready, holding her hand the entire way. He never leaves her side the days following, through arrangements, the ceremony, and family visitations. He makes sure she eats on somewhat of a schedule because time is all an illusion to her. He sleeps on her couch every night for the couple of weeks following, knowing bedtime is the hardest time for her, and she won’t want to be alone. She is so touched by his dedication, and she isn’t sure she could do this life without him.

She cried for a long time, only recovering when she felt like she had nothing left to give. She was hardly surprised at the landslide of emotions tackling her considering she had been repressing them for the entirety of their friendship. It was now apparent to her what should have always been apparent: she was in love with Cassian.

She was in love with him, but she had been myopic for so long that she may have finally exhausted his love for her.

——————————————————————————

A/N: Well, here it is. We’re nearing the end of this one, and I’m excited to get the rest up for y’all. As always, your feedback/ comments are welcome! If you’d like to be tagged, feel free to message, comment, or reblog! I’ll be happy to add you to the tag list.

Tags are below!

@polireader // @lord-douglas-the-third // @justgiu12 // @notyournymphetish // @sjm-things // @strangeenemy // @iammissstark // @keshavomit // @sjmships // @cookiemonsterwholovesbooks // @dusty-lightbulb // @texas-shaped-waffle-maker // @julemmaes // @charincharge // @superspiritfestival // @awesomelena555 // @sleeping-and-books // @hizqueen4life // @maastrash // @bookstantrash // @rhyswhitethorn // @grace-k-sterling // @sayosdreams // @sis-it-dont-add-up // @ladywitchling // @b00kworm //

[onlynight-onlylight]

The only Sun I know

Words: 6,6K

Pairing: Jung Hoseok / J-Hope x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Slice of Life

Summary: You've been friends with Hoseok so long for naturally love him more than friends should. You always try to keep it low because he is the center of everyone's attention. He is everyone's sun.

Note: This story sits on my draft for a while. I wish I can finish it sooner and post it on his birthday but I failed haha. Hope you like it :)

The precious Saturday. It has been three months since my first busy weekend. After working at the new place, I have to let go my leisure time on Saturday for work. If it isn’t for Hoseok, who will brightly encourage me on the way to work, I’ll curse every single bad word internally every time.

H: I have additional class this morning. Wanna meet up after work? Y/N: Sure. But I’m craving the spicy udon near the station, is it okay? H: Sounds delicious Y/N: Wait for me there, I’ll be done in 1 hour H: Nah, I’ll come to you He is everyone’s friend, he is “The Sun”. He is being very nice to others so it’s not hard to fall for Hoseok. I’m his best-friend and that’s not an exception. Even worse, it’s the main reason why I’m falling hard for him. He doesn’t need to know, the world doesn’t need to know. Maybe one or two close friends have a very heavy doubt on our platonic relationship. I find Hoseok sits in the corner of my office’s reception area. Some people take double glance to him while he is doing nothing. Indeed, a glance won’t be enough to assure you that you are seeing a very attractive man. Hoseok has a special aura around him. He’s like the sun that shines so bright. He can make a gloomy day better with his smile. His caring nature leads all sunflowers look only at him. Tragically, I’m one of his sunflowers. “Sorry, something’s came up right after I turn off my computer” “It’s okay. Your reception’s sofa is very comfortable for waiting” says Hoseok with his signature smile. “Still, I’ll make it up for you later. Let’s go, I’m hungry” I say while trying to make pitiful face. He stands up and puts his hand on my back. He chuckles and whispers, “let’s go, I can’t let my favorite girl starving.” *

Hoseok's words leave a great impact on me. I try to not minding them before but they keep messing with my head. Am I hearing right? Did he mean it? Or it's one of his habit from teaching dance to little girls? "Where did you find this restaurant? This is delicious" "Instagram" “Oh really? I still find using that app confusing” I look at him in disbelief and shake my head. Hoseok rarely uses social media but once he posts something, it always receives good feedback. He has a lot of fans out there. “Do you want me to teach you? Think it as an apology of making you wait longer” “I don’t want it if you count it as the compensation of my time. I have another wish to grant, you know” He stares at me for a while. There’s something about this expression of him that I cannot read. The emotion on his face feels so strange even after knowing for a long time. This face shows often recently but I can decipher what’s the meaning behind it. “Okay, okay. I’ll teach you for free” He lets a small laugh and goes back to his udon. “Do the others contact you to hang out tonight?” I ask before taking a spoon of my meal. “Yeah. And I said I’m going if you’re going too” “Hm? Why?” “I’ll control my drinks when you’re around. You remember that one time that the others cannot keep up with me and end up calling you in the middle of night? I don’t want it to happen again” “Ah... that time…” Hoseok’s tolerance of drinks is quite high but he never drinks many. I remember he said that it’s either making him sleepy or angry. And that one time was the angry one. No one stops him from taking too many drinks and lets the scary Hoseok appear. Another Hoseok’s side that rarely be seen, even by myself. “I don’t want you to be the one who pick me up when I am wasted” I stop eating when hear him speak. No matter how close we are, I am not his girlfriend, I totally understand that. But why does it feel hurt? “I should be the one who do that, be someone who is reliable. I don’t want to show my bad side to you again” He sends a reassuring smile to me. “I don’t mind though” I tell him in tiny voice, half hoping he hears it and half hoping it disperses to the air. “I know” “So, should we join them tonight?” I look at him again and it only stands for a good three seconds before I look away. “If you want to” “But promise me to take me home” He laughs. He always drives me home when we hang out with friends or just the two of us. He doesn’t need to promise me anything to be honest. “Ah, you still like the triple chocolate cake, right? My students give me some this morning. Want to go to park to eat that like usual?” I smile widely at him and nod enthusiastically. He remembers small things I said without thinking. Just like how I remember the small details about him. This just reminds me why I fall in love with him again.

“I will never refuse free chocolate cake”

*

We spend few hours on the park, watching the Hangang river flows. Many people come for picnic today, some the others are just couples enjoying their dates. And here, me and Hoseok, just two friends sit together looking at the scenery. I eat the cake slowly, savoring the sweetness of the chocolate. Hoseok plays some music that fit the mood. To be honest, we did this million times to feel awkward. I think he takes me out almost on every Saturday. “Is it good?” “So good! Are you sure not want to try?” “Looking at you eating it deliciously makes me want to taste it” he answers with a smirk. I stun for a moment and realize that he is waiting. I try to look unaffected. I cut the cake and direct the spoon on his way. “Then, say ah” Hoseok moves to sit closer. It becomes unnecessary close for feeding him a spoon of cake. I glance to his lips that are inch away from the spoon. I gulp the non-existence lump on my throat before my eyes back to his. He gives me a very sharp stare that makes me holding my breath. He takes my hand and brings the spoon to his mouth. He lets his tongue out to clean the trace of the chocolate on the corner of his lips. “It’s too sweet” he whispers. “Oh yeah?” I whisper back, matching his voice. “Yeah. And it makes me craving to taste something else” His eyes drop to my lips. I never had such a big urge to kiss him like this before. I push his body and he fall flat to the grass. He lets out cheerful laugh. “Why? Do you think I would kiss you?” he asks in between his unstoppable laugh. “Ugh. No” I make a face to make it believable. “Oh? I’d love to do that though” “Who are you? What did you do to my Hobi?” He lets out louder laugh. He sits with both of hands on the back, holding his weight. “I’m your Hobi, baby” “No freaking way. He won’t joke around like that” “Isn’t this Hobi more fun?” You look at him in disbelief. “No, this Hobi is more annoying. Just back to my Hobi quickly” “Okay, okay. I’m back to your beloved Hobi again now”

*

Hoseok and I arrive at the bar and restaurant 30 minutes late. We originally want to arrive later but decide to go after continuous calls from Jimin. He can be super annoying and whiny if we don’t do what he wants. We sit next to each other in the end of the table and watch the others go crazy. “Hope, raise your glass for me” asks Jimin. “I’m not drinking today, Jimin, sorry” “Y/N, you don’t mind if he drinks a glass of beer, right?” I’m taken a back when Jimin asks me. Why Hoseok needs approval for drinks from me? Does Jimin know what Hoseok say to me this afternoon? “I don’t mind but I have no power to decide that” “Oh no, Y/N, you have so much power on him than you know” “Jimin are you drunk already?” asks Hoseok with straight face. “Maybe… a little?” he answers then laughs. He shifts his focus to Yoongi now. I pretend to take Jimin’s words as silly jokes in his drunken state. I don’t want to dwell on him or Hoseok’s words today. It’s just weird.

“I heard someone asking you out again?” asks Jungkook to Hoseok while whirling his glass. “Well…” “And you reject it again?” Hoseok only shrugs. I know that he has many fans, but I never really think of how many women asking him out. I realize just because I never have the courage to do that, it doesn’t mean the others are like me. “It will be mean for her if I accept her sincere feeling when I don’t feel anything at all. She deserves someone who likes her back” “That’s just your excuse, isn’t it?” “Aw, are you jealous that I am receiving all the attention in the dance academy?” Jungkook laughs. He shakes his head then look at me. “I don’t need that. I only want attention from the girl I like” He looks back to Hoseok with a smirk on his lips right after finishing his sentence. He puts his innocent smile and back to me again. “How about you, Y/N? Are you seeing someone?” “Change your target already?” ask me to Jungkook jokingly. He puts down his glass and put his chin on his right hand. “Date me” I look at him as if he grows another head. “Date me if you’re not seeing ANYONE” “What do you mean JK?” Hoseok’s tone becomes sharper and colder. I really don’t know what happen to Hoseok today, but he seems different. “You two always go together, other people may get the wrong idea and think that you two are couple” says Jungkook as if challenging Hoseok. “Jungkook” I warn him. He looks at me then smile. “Since I know the truth that you’re not couple and not even dating, I can ask you out, right? It’s not a problem, right, Hope hyung?” They throw daggers to each other by eyes. I’m screaming on my head. Why should I be in the middle of this? “It’s not something to be joke around” “I’m not joking. I like Y/N” “Don’t even think about it” “Hey…” I try to stop them. I put my hand to block both of Jungkook and Hoseok’s eyes. They start talking like I’m not sitting in front of them. “We’re not here to fight, okay? I’m not dating anyone. Period”

*

It doesn’t take too much time for Hoseok driving me home as the bar is not really far. I try to keep my curiosity as long as I can. I keep checking on his face, making sure that he’s no longer angry. He insists to accompany me to the front of my unit’s door like usual. Right before I push the password of my door, I turn to face Hoseok. “Did something happen between you and Jungkook?” “No, nothing happened” “Really?” “He just likes to get on my nerves. He’s happy to keep picking on my ego” “You two fight like kids” “I need to match my enemy’s mental age to win” he shrugs.

I decide to not asking why they’re dragging me into their meaningless quarrel but it seems Jungkook succeed to make Hoseok mad. It’s impossible to know the reason. No matter how close you are, Hoseok tends to keep small secrets from me, especially his love life. Sometimes I heard it from Jimin or Soojung but they made it like it’s not something to worry about. They always point out that Hoseok rejects all confession. I don’t think I can keep my expression hidden even if I try but luckily Soojung an Jimin never say a thing. I also know the fact that most of sweets he brings to me are gifts from his admirers. They don’t know that Hoseok doesn’t like those things at all. He’s the perfect opposite of my sweet tooth.

“Oh, don’t forget about Jiwoo’s baby shower next weekend. I have to bring you home to keep being Jung Hoseok” “You exaggerate it again” “Y/N, you have to hear them threatening me every time I don’t give the exact answer” “I still haven’t found suitable gift for Jiwoo’s baby, but I’ll come for sure” “Your presence is the gift” “I don’t buy that” “You really need to acknowledge my mom and Jiwoo’s obsession for you now. They love you more than me”

I laugh to his reaction. He pouts when comparing his family’s affection toward me and himself. His dimples are gone but I know he’s not really mad. Both me and Hoseok are family-oriented people. We love to spend the whole holiday on our parents’ house. We always make at least one day free to visit each other house just like tradition. Somewhere between those visits, I often delude myself and pretend that we are couples.

“I start to think you have to thank me every time I persuade them for your favor” I reply, then start inserting the password to my door. “Oh… so you are going to be like this, huh?” he asks when the door is open. I think he’s back to another Hoseok I meet this afternoon. I hear the different playful tone on his voice. I keep the door open for Hoseok, let the option to coming in or leaving on him. He closes the door and follows me to the kitchen area. “You’re going to team up with those women and leave me alone?” “Of course. They give me more food than you” I answer him with giggle. I open the refrigerator to take two bottles of water, one for me and the other for Hoseok. I close the refrigerator’s door and turning back. Before I can hand him the water, Hoseok puts his hands on the door. He cages me and makes me glued to the only the electronics behind me. “Is my time not enough?” “What?” “Don’t you know I spend most of my free time with you than anyone?” “And if I do?” Hoseok narrows the gap between our faces. I grit my teeth, put my poker face to him. I know he’s just teasing me. His eyes down to my lips the second times today. I can smell his cologne. The smell alone can make me not thinking straight. He moves an inch forward and whispers on my ear. “I’ll show you more” I’m still processing his words when he abruptly moves back and pats my head. He takes his bottled water and back to the door. “I’m going home” He waves and disappear into the night. “I hate you Jung Hoseok”

I take a day off today as Jiwoo request Hoseok’s and my presence one day before the actual event. She says she wants to have quality time with us before being busy with the guests tomorrow. She treats me like her own sister for the last two years. I still remember when Hoseok asks me to help him out. He wants to make surprise event for her sister’s wedding. He often brings me to meet his family to carry out the plan. And since then, I become the additional member of Jung family.

Hoseok calls nearing the assigned time. He will drive us all the way to Gwangju. “Are you ready? I’ll be on your door by 5” I look around to make sure my belongings and Jiwoo’s gift are all set. “Yes, I just need hands to bring it down” “I’m at your service, my lady” he says before hang up.

Not too long after, my apartment door is opened by Hoseok. He is one of three persons I trust the most to know my password. Until today, it always helps me when I meet urgent situation. Just like three months ago, when I can’t do anything and stay on the bed. I can’t ask my mom to travel from Busan to Seoul or ask Soojung, to cancel her presentation for an important client. “Are you sure you’re not moving into my parents’ house?” I punch his upper arm lightly. He laughs and raise both of his arms that are full of my things. “I can’t come empty-handed. I know you’ll say ‘your presence is enough’ like always. But I like doing this for your family, Hobi” Hoseok just smiles at me then shrugs his shoulders. “Then I guess you’re the perfect daughter for my mom and I’m the bad son”

I’m trying to not read things that’s not even exist in his words. But I can’t help but blushing, imagining to be the in-laws in Jung family. I wonder if he does this to other girls. I know better that he doesn’t have any intention to lead me on, but the others might not know. It may be the reason why so many people fall in love with him in the first place.

*

As expected, his family welcomes me with big warm hug. His mom cooks many dishes includes my favorite. She says it’s the special menu of the day. Hoseok helps me save the desserts that I bring to the fridge to keep it in shape. Jiwoo kidnaps me as soon as the small talks over to her room. Her husband and the others only chuckle and let us do our things.

“I miss you! We can’t meet often since you’re busy” “I know, I know. I’ll make it up today. We can talk about everything until we can’t keep our eyes open” Jiwoo looks more beautiful than she already is. It must be the happiness aura around her. I envy her to be so pretty, having lovely family and marriage. And soon, she will become a mom. “Is he still being dumb?” she asks. I can’t help but laugh. “He is your brother and you’re a mom-to-be so I banned you from bad words” She looks don’t care and rummages to a big box in the corner of her bedroom. She takes out some piece of clothing and brings it to the bed. “You two are just the same. Everyone can basically see the hearts shoot through your eyes when looking at each other” She gives me a blue long dress and mumbles ‘try this’ before I can reply her words. “It’s just you. I won’t deny my feeling after you force me to confess to you that time. But I’m sure he doesn’t feel the same” I say right after walk out from her en-suite bathroom. “No. He’s just being dumb because he doesn’t show it you. Mom tells him to be kind and maybe you’re afraid that he treats you just like others. But honey, I never see him giving that longing gaze to other women” She instructs me to pose a little then takes few pictures before asking me to try another dress in yellow. “Don’t be like that please. Stop planting those ideas to my mind” She takes more pictures before saying “then I will go to my little brother to open his eyes” with a smirk. It reminds me how Jung sister and brother resemblance to each other like twins. “You look really good in these one. Wear this when you go out with him, okay? All of these are the new items from my brand, and of course you’re the first one to have it.” “I think I love you more than Hoseok” “You should” We talk endlessly about her plan to have baby clothing line and about my busy work life until someone knock the door. Hoseok face comes in the view and asks us to join for lunch. Jiwoo walks first and Hoseok waits for me. “You should change your last name to Jung” “Maybe I should” He holds my wrist, stopping me from walking. He looks at me in the eyes, searching for answer. “You do want that? To be part of my family, the Jungs?” His questions silence me for seconds. “I almost mistaken your question as marriage proposal, Hobi” I leave him alone and go to his mother. Taking the usual seat across Jiwoo and acting like nothing happened. I can feel his burning stare on me when he comes. It quickly subsides as Jaebum, Jiwoo’s husband engages him in conversation. I sigh in relief. I actually regretting my answer but there’s no way I can take my words back.

I’m trying to help as many as I can when the guests arriving. I make sure everyone knows where to get their food and drinks. Hoseok’s mother drags me to a group of middle-age women on the table near the window. She links her arms to display our closeness. I can see one particular lady scanning me from head to toe. I introduce myself without mentioning the relationship I have with this family. I’m still trying to read the situation. “Is this Hoseok’s girlfriend? No wonder you keep bragging to us” says a lady in red. “She’s really pretty, right? I’m really happy to having her as my daughter soon.” “They will get married soon?” asks the lady in white blazer. “They have to. They are in the perfect age for marriage” answers another lady that sits across. “Hoseok’s used to be crushing on my daughter” says the lady who scans me earlier. I feel the hands on my arms tightening. “Oh, you must be Minah’s mother. I heard the full story of his childhood crush from Hoseok. It’s around 4th grade of elementary school, isn’t it?” I show her a smile. This particular smile I use when I’m working. The one that screams ‘business only’. “Elementary school? I thought it’s in high school!” says the red lady. “Me too. You talk it often like its a fresh news” adds the white lady. “Minah is very beautiful, I’m sure she has many fans since early days and Hoseok must be one of them.” I try to blow her wounds better after the other ladies teasing her. Her face becomes red a little. “Sure. And Minah is now happily married to a successful businessman” Hoseok’s mom smiles brightly knowing she wins. I think this battle has been around for a long time. I will thank Jiwoo later to fill me in last night. She warns me of some guests that particularly annoying. If it’s me, I will not invite them but this is Jung family. They’re too kind to do that. “So, when will this marriage happen?” “We decide to meet the wedding planner after Jiwoo’s delivering her baby, so we’re just enjoying our dating time now” I surprise myself for easily lying to everyone in the table. It sounds too good to be true. It feels like happiness is a breath away. I wish it’s not a lie while the reality says otherwise. I start to feel the nausea coming up. Hoseok’s mom put her left hand on top of my right. She smiles at me, making me feel better. “You two can take your time, no need to rush”

I excuse myself and go for a drink. I think I have enough for lying today until Jiwoo comes with a woman beside her. “Y/N, have you met Minah? She is the daughter of Yoo family. Minah, this is Y/N – Hoseok’s girlfriend” “Oh, you are the infamous Y/N? I’m glad to meet you here” “Me too. I only hear about your beauty.” She is the real beauty. Standing here with Minah and Jiwoo makes me small. “Where’s Hobi?” ask Jiwoo. “I haven’t seen him in the last 30 minutes. Maybe he goes to the reception” I say while keeping the act. “We should call him so we can start the highlight of the event” says his sister before calling him by phone. “Ah, there he is” tells Minah.

Hoseok comes and walks to our direction. Actually, I have been avoiding him for the last 24 hours and making Jiwoo as my shield. I try to not be alone with him and pretend to be busy for the baby shower. After lying about our relationship, I don’t know how to face him. He stands naturally beside me and circles his arm to my waist. I look at him, trying to mask the shock. Does he know we have to act as a couple? Is this one of the agenda? “Is everything okay, babe?” he asks while his thumb draws circle on my waist. Hoseok drives me crazy. He encourages me to answer. “Yes, I’m just thirsty after greetings the guests with your mom” “You shouldn’t let her alone” nags Jiwoo. “Mom steals her from me, so I can’t do anything” says Hoseok. He tightens his grip. “I guess Y/N is everyone’s favorite in the Jung family” says Minah with a smile on her face. Hoseok’s smile widens. He brings me closer to his body if it’s even possible. His eyes never leave me as I set my eyes back to him. “She is. They never let me alone with her everytime we come. I even lost her to Jiwoo yesterday. But I’ll be the true winner when we back to Seoul, she’ll be with me all the time. Right, baby?” He kisses my temple, like it’s the most common thing between us.

*

We all back to Hoseok’s parents’ home after the party over. Turns out Jiwoo will have a baby boy. The first grandchild will be a boy, so Hoseok’s parents are excited. Even Jaebum has to wipe his tears a few times.

“I think we should get rest until dinner time. I’m ordering the spicy beef ribs and soup already, so no one cooks tonight” Hoseok’s dad announces loudly to make sure his wife gets the rest she needs. Everyone says thanks and back to their rooms. I can’t go back to Jiwoo’s room like last night as the couple is already going in there. I also can’t go over Hoseok’s room either. I stand awkwardly in the living room before dropping my body to the fluffy sofa. Never thought the two hours gathering will exhaust me to this extent. I barely stay awake until Hoseok sits next to me. “Hey, are you tired?” I nod weakly, can’t properly answer him. “Change your clothes and wash your face, then sleep in my room. I’ll take the sofa” I pout while registering his words. Then he stands and gives out his hands to help me. He shows his lazy smile. “Come on Y/N. Before we both fall asleep here”

*

I spend a really good time that time flies faster than expected. After the dinner, everyone gathers in front of TV and talks. The fatigue is still hanging on our shoulder that makes everyone calls a night sooner. They leave me and Hoseok alone. I’m not sure what to say but the silence making me nervous. “I’ll take the sofa” “What?” “I’ll sleep here Hobi, you can go to your room” I feel bad as I dominate his bed for the afternoon nap. To be honest, I have the best nap ever on his bed. I usually get sleepy while sitting on the sofa then it’s gone when I arrive on my bed. But Hobi’s smell in his room really soothes me to have a good rest. His smell is so good. I have to hold myself to not bury my nose to his neck every time we sit or stand too close. “What are you talking about? We’re going to sleep in my room, together. Let’s go” He takes my wrist and drags me to his room. He doesn’t use his strength but I cannot refuse, no I don’t want to refuse this. “Wait Hobi-“ “Tadaaa! I move the mattress here when you busy with my family” I feel my face heated. I’m embarrassed by my silly thought. Hoseok lets go my wrist and moves his hand to my back. “I’ll sleep on the floor and you’ll be on my bed. Or if you prefer to have me on the bed with you, I’m not against it” “No, thank you” “Why? I know you can’t stand the cold, baby” “Stop pulling pranks on me Hobi. And try to behave on your parents’ house” “Oh” he gasps loudly. “Does it mean I’m free to do anything with you right after we’re out from this house? Don’t know you this impatient, Y/N” I choose to ignore him and walk away. I still can feel his warm on my back but I shouldn’t focus on that. “Good night Hobi” “Good night Y/N” Silence envelops the room but I cannot sleep for a while. My hearts thumps too loud to be ignored. “Y/N” I hear Hoseok whispering my name. Is he talking in sleep? “I just want you to know that I really care about you. I do everything to show you my heart, to show you my love for you. I always think that is enough. I’m being your best friend is enough. But you slap me with the reality yesterday” He laughs quietly. “I will properly court you and show everyone that you’re mine” My eyes widen hearing his confession. I can hear my heart beats on my ears, it’s so loud that Hoseok might hear it too. I hold my breath. Am I dreaming already? “I don’t need your answer tonight and you can pretend to sleep again” I’m just like deer caught in the headlights. Hoseok tortures me and he enjoys that. I... hate him.

Jiwon and Jaebum head back to Seoul in the morning. They want to visit Jaebum’s parents first to bring the news before back to their own home. We decide to back after lunch as per request from Hoseok’s mom. She says she will pack all of kimchi and side dish so we have enough nutrition to go through this winter. Later we know, she packs the dish in one container each which means we have to divide it ourselves, or maybe store it in either Hoseok’s place or mine and eat together. “Oh, it’s snowing” says Hoseok right after I put my seatbelt. “First snow” I whisper. I don’t have guts to look at Hoseok. People say if you are out in the first snowfall of the season with someone you like, true love will blossom between you. “I’m so lucky” Hoseok’s words make you look at him. Does it mean he likes you too? Or he’s cursing to have a long drive in the rain snow? He smiles and makes your heart beats faster.

Snow falls heavier in Seoul. It will be dangerous to be out on the road longer. Hoseok takes the nearer exit and heads to his place. “I will take you home as soon as the snow stops and the roads are safer than this. I won’t put you in danger” I have no room for protest and sit quietly. Something is shifting between us after last night but we don’t talk about it. “I… I can take the subway. I’ll come to your place later for the food” “Why? Are you scared being alone with me?” “… No” “No? Hmm… You should though” “Hobi” “I’m kidding baby. The last thing I want is you to be scared of me” I muster my courage and ask him the one thing that bothers me the most. “All the things you’ve said last night… is it true?” “Yes”

I just sit in the silence and cannot see him in the eyes. Hoseok’s apartment comes to our view. Somehow, I feel nervous to come inside the building. I don’t know what to do. Part of me is curious what will happen when we arrive at his place. After all this time, I’m not riding this wave of emotion alone. It feels like dream comes true. But the other part is slightly scared. What if we ruin what we have now? Everything crosses my mind at the same time until Hoseok puts his hand on mine. “We’re here” He pulls me out from my bubble. I gasp at his information and he chuckles, seeming delight to see my reaction. “This is not the first time you’re here. We did sleep over numerous times over the years” “It’s… It’s different, Hobi” “Is it?” I can see the glints of fire in his eye. I’m sure it can melt the snow that starts to pile up around us. He picks up my hands and places a soft kiss on top of it. “It doesn’t have to be different unless you want to” My cheeks redden due to his action. World knows I want it to be different. I might have desired his warmth for a long time already. But to face this Hobi, the dominant and teasing man yet still being soft and caring like usual, is troubling me. “Just come in for now” I nod and follow Hoseok. He brings most of the luggage and lets me lead him to his own apartment. There are people waiting for the lift, I sigh quietly. I think I need others’ presence to overpower the heat between me and Hoseok. But the relief I feel doesn’t stay long until I realize the more people inside the small lift, the less space I have. The neighbours get inside first and leave the narrow space on the back for the two of us. He signals me to get inside before making the others wait too long. I stand on the right corner with Hoseok besides me. Right before the doors closing, a woman screams. She desperately asks to hold the door for her. Everyone instinctively moves a step back and make a room for the woman without thinking there are two other people behind them. "Thank you, thank you" I hold my breathe when Hoseok’s body collides with mine. I’m stuck between his hot body and the lift’s wall. I try to calm myself down. I hug him many times. He often to circle his arm on my shoulder. Why this kind of thing makes me nervous now? I grasp the sides of his coat, making him look at me from his shoulder. He gives me assurance smile and turns his body to face me. He keeps our luggage on balance then lowers his face to my level. “They’ll be gone in a minute” he whispers and kisses my head before standing straight again.

We’re the last one to get off. Hoseok walks a step faster than me, not in hurry but he looks very excited. And I feel more and more shy in every step I take. ‘It doesn’t have to be different unless you want to’ His words ring inside my head. Those words bring heat that burns me. I stop for a second and make a firm decision. He is the SUN. He is naturally spread his warmth. But we both know tonight will be different. If he only allows us to feel the warmth from a far till now, I will make sure to taste the fire. His fire. Hoseok puts both of our bags on the sofa and the kimchi container on dining table. I close the front door and follow him. He takes the rest of food containers from my hand and put them away. “What do you want to do now? Snacks or rest?” “You need rest more than I do, Hobi. You just drive for hours. Just sit there, relax, I’ll get you ice coffee” “You know what?” He steps closer to me then puts both his hands on my waist. “The idea of having you here in my home, spending time together and knowing everything about me without me asking is perfection. It’s been so long to hold myself saying it out loud” I put my hand on his chest. His smile widens before closing the gap even more. “Do you have any idea how many times I want to tell every woman who hits on you to get the fuck off of my man?” “I’m all yours. I’ll tell the world that I’m yours. And you… you’re mine” He kisses me slowly and gets me fall into his rhythm. His left hand goes up to my nape while the other tightens on my waist. I pull his neck, keeping him close despite the lack of air. He tugs my lower lips and pulls away. “I can’t stop myself if you’re being like this” “Why do you have to stop when we’re not even start” Hoseok growls and I can feel the vibration. “Oh, baby, I can guarantee I won’t stop, not even for your begging” We really try each other patience, pull the trigger and knowing that no other way of return after this. Hoseok is ready to dive into my lips when his phone rings shatter the sexual tension that fulfil the room. He lets out a loud groan and pick his phone from the dining table. “I don’t know what’s wrong with my family, but they surely like to steal you away from me” He shows me his phone’s screen and it’s written ‘Mom’. It’s a video call so we have to act like nothing happened. I let a laugh while he’s pouting. It’s like someone pour a cold water to our fire. I caress his face to make the pout away. I don’t want him to greet his mom with unfriendly expression. “We still have much time later, don’t be a bad boy” “So, wanting to spend time alone with my girlfriend is being a bad boy, now?” I’m surprised. Girlfriend, he said. “Yes, you’re being bad boy” “Then what, are you gonna punish me?” “We’ll see, Hobi, we’ll see” I peck his lips and push the answer sign.

*

It’s nearly 8 in the morning when I can collect all of my consciousness. I check my phone and relief to find that the head of my division decides to let us work from home due to the snow. No morning briefing needed but schedule a short report meeting in the afternoon. Seems like the universe helps you after succeeding taming the beast Hoseok last night. “It’s too early for you to wake up, no?” asks him and tries to pull me back to lie on my back. “Thanks to someone I’m planning to sleep all day then wake up an hour before the meeting” “Hmm, no one saying you can just sleep on my bed, princess. Can you feel me?” Yes, I can. That is the one who help my consciousness back faster than any other Monday morning wake up routine I had before. “Hobi… give me some break” I whisper as feeling it right under your center. “Your whisper makes it harder. I can’t do anything like this, can I?” “You can. You survive well before last night, so yes, you definitely can” I try to be stern but he is Hoseok. He is my bestfriend before my boyfriend. He hugs me tight and kiss my shoulder. “I will be easy on you today, my lady, but keep in mind that it won’t happen again” I laugh with him and enjoy his hug for some minutes before the hunger kicks in. Everything seems fall in its place. He is my sun, my home.

[kikiyakno]

✧ Little Star

Date → Some day during the week prior to the Masquerade event. Feb 2021 Setting → Kian’s Grandparent’s Home. Santa Monica, California Triggers  → None, but does include descriptors of fish cutting so if that’s not your cup of tea... Mentioned  → Yi Jae-Sang , Seong Sunwoo , Brandon Kelly, Song Minjoon , Maverick Maxwell, Yong Chul Synopsis  →  ★ Stars are born when large gas clouds collapse under gravity.

The invitation was weird, it was random, it definitely was fishier than whatever fish it was Kian’s grandmother was scaling on the cutting board, but Kian held the weirdrandomandveryfishy invitation close to his chest. This was it. This was exactly the shimmering gold ticket his family and their restaurant needed that would definitely turn everything around.

Except…Gyeonggi Grill was having no part of it.

Just about every eatery in Pico was on board, even the ones Kian didn’t particularly think should be serving food (looking at you Pete’s Palace) and the ones he personally considered to be competition. There was no haste in the flood of Facebook posts on his feed of businesses confirming and promoting their attendance in response to the mysterious invite. It was hard not to feel the clamoring excitement over a party at an art museum. The more he refreshed pages, the more he heard about people talking of it between deliveries, the more Kian felt that this was possibly the shining light for Gijis to be seen again. They would sign up, get paid for it, and best of all to serve new people ~rich people~ to ultimately bring business back in. 

This big chance and his grandparents were radio silent. Kian couldn’t understand.

“Momo,” Kian whined loudly to his grandmother with a soft bounce on his heel. Even with his call the older woman didn’t look up from her work and feed into his melodramatic call. He huffed, the lack of response making his brows deepen further in frustration. “Momo, everyone who’s anyone will be there. They’re paying vendors to be there. This went out to a ton of people, probably everyone we know! Seriously! Everyone’s talking about it. This isn’t just something someone planned on the block, yakno. It’s a huge deal.” 

The pressed enunciations of his words make Kian stop to take a breath. In consideration, he defaulted to speaking in Korean when he was at home and not surrounded by any of his friends. His grandparents had never requested that he do so, but on his own Kian decided that it was a  respectful gesture. Just because English was his preferred language, forcing them to speak it with him didn’t seem fair. It takes him seconds to catch his breath before Kian starts up again.

“This party is exactly what we need, Momo. We can serve…..we can serve the soy garlic chicken! And you know people absolutely love our fried chicken. They talk about how good it is all the time! You know normal chicken places in America don’t double fry. And when they try, it sucks. That’s what makes ours so good! We can stand out with that! Guaranteed!” 

His grandma still didn’t respond, head down and much busier in her re-work of separating scales from the fish. However, there was a soft smile that had made a way to her face now. The passion and sincerity in his voice tickled her ears, especially when a little twist of the accent Kian had arrived at her doorstep with slipped free. Her grandson spoke with fire but not the kind that sought to burn others. He also spoke awfully fast. Which wasn’t too out of the norm for her grandson. Years ago she noticed Jae, Sunwoo, and Kian all shared that oddity.

The lull in the room pressed in on Kian and he broke through it with a giant huff. He waited still, watching her work the knife with expertise. He bit his lip to stop the clench of his jaw and the tightness from impatience building in his throat.

 “Mo—“ “Do you want to cut the fish? It’s your favorite before I clean it.” 

Cut short mid breath, Kian blinked wide at the knife being placed aside for him. She still didn’t look at him, but stepped aside for him to join her. The words sitting on his tongue blew away on a sigh, obediently setting the invite away and beelining to the sink to wash his hands. He steps beside her to take the knife as he starts cutting through the skin. The silence lingers on, aside from the edge of the knife occasionally drags against the cutting board. Kian works as asked, but fast. His cuts are clean and precise despite having his conversation stalled.

“You aren’t listening to me.” He says in an undertone, looking down at his work as he goes.  “I am, Ki-Hyun. I am listening.” Her voice is fond and silvery. Kian knew he was doing his cutting well. “Then why aren’t we joining everyone? Why aren’t we preparing for the event, Momo. We can serve food there.”  “...” “They will give us money. They pay, it won’t be free yakno.” “...” “A lot of people will be there. A lot of people who will love our food like they used to.” “...” “Maybe it’ll be enough money to help us catch up, Momo.”  “Kiki, please slow down and watch your cut.” “Please stop ignoring what I am saying.” Kian’s voice rises a few notches from his soft mutter. He pauses his cutting, noting how his clean work had suffered as he had tried to discuss. He evaluates briefly if his volume had gone too high to be seen as disrespectful, or if he could go on. Soon after he disregards his worry. He was tired of making these pleas and not getting answers. “Why are we not participating? Why aren’t we going?”

The sharpness in his tone takes her by surprise, but she is no stranger to determination. She can’t fight the look on her grandson’s face anymore, sighing herself before she gingerly responds.“...We can’t afford to close an entire day, Ki-Hyun. That’s a day’s business lost.” 

“They’ll pay twice that! Maybe triple than what we make in a day!” 

“We can’t guarantee that, Ki.”

“I can! It’s all over Facebook! Twitter! Other businesses saying they’ll be there and got paid! Remember when I made those accounts for us? People have tagged us—ah, mentioned us! They want to know if we’ll be there.” His voice brightens, contrasting her modulated one. His falters down instantly, however, seeing how her eyes widen then dampen in gentle confusion. Social media was still an entirely new world language for her. “Customers that are going to the party are asking about our food being there. They want us to be there too, Momo.” He defines for her with warmth. Kian can see her understand with his explanation, but she looks away from him before he can see a different turmoil in her eyes.

“We can’t gamble on something everyone else sees as lucrative. And...it would have to be more than a day to prepare for such a large number of people…that means we would have to close for longer to accommodate. Everyone on our staff would have to work longer.”

“Right, and then I’ll get Jae and DaeDae and Mason, and some of my new friends to help us all out and make things easier. And-and Minjoon loves being in the kitchen. If not, him and Chul have networks online too! I know they’d be super happy to help us find the hands we need. Maverick likes food trucks and stuff, he could talk to people! Oh, and Brandon might could help us with clothes and let us borrow something nice to go in!”

“Ki-Hyun.”

“He would find you a really nice dress. Remember I told you that’s what he does, yakno? He’s really good at it. Remember he called me from out of town? He was in a Fashion Show out of state! People love his stuff!” 

“Ki-Hyun.”

“And you know Jae would probably take off all his jobs to help. DaeDae would help too. Buuttt he’s the only one we might have to pay with food, so—” “Ki-Hyun.” Kian stops. Moreso to take a breath than to listen.

“Ki-Hyun, we don’t even have enough in our inventory right now to do so.”

“Yes we do, we—” “Kiki.” 

Kian blinked wide, and she simply shook her head against it. He hadn’t even finished! Each idea of his was shot down in seconds.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. These weren’t answers they were excuses. He didn’t notice how his hands had started trembling or how an ill taste of bitterness wrapped around his tongue. 

“Maybe if you stopped preparing that sweet chili wing combo every Monday and Wednesday night, we would have enough.”

“Kian!” 

“Momo, if Sunwoo was going to come back he would’ve by now. I told you that. But you still do that every night for two days a week. It’s been a month. That’s four weeks. Combos come with six pieces, but you give him two extra. So that’s about thirty-two pieces of meat we’ve had to throw out in the last month because of one person that could’ve fed five or more people.”

Kian knew he had crossed a line and he could see it in her face. He braced for anything, but she only fired right back at him.“And I will keep making what I want for him because those are his nights he works late. It’s too late and dangerous for him to stop anywhere else!”  

“You don’t get it. He doesn’t CARE!” Exploding, Kian lets knife go to drop onto the table as his world suddenly blurs. “He doesn’t care! He-He doesn’t care and he won’t come back! They aren’t coming back. Cause they don’t care. They don’t care. And YOU don’t care!” Kian steps back, immediately remorseful but a throaty sob obstructs his apology. The busy pattern on his grandma’s shirt melds into one in the watery world. “You don’t care! You won’t let me help. You don’t think I know we’re behind! I work because I know we’re in trouble. But you and Grandpa keep...trying to HIDE it and not make me worry. But that just makes it worse! I worry anyways! I’m 27 now and you’re getting older, but I see you work every single day. Then you come home, tired, but then for ME you pretend we’re doing okay when we’re not. We’re NOT!! No matter what we do it’s not enough. I keep working and working and working and working but it’s just not enough! It’s not enough for you to stop pretending like I can’t help! It’s not enough for my friends to feeling like they don’t have to baby me and take care of me and pay for me to eat all the time! It’s not enough for me to ever see you stop working, or rest well at night, or for us to think about taking road trips like we used to or flying away on vacation!” Kian stops to wipe his face with his sleeves in a rush, face wet as though he had been standing in rain. He pushes his face into them to have his cry, only to feel his chest heave in harder when in the brief darkness he only imagines the glittering, serene lights of Paris. He shuts his eyes tighter and tears his face away in a hurry, feeling the accumulation of months of his world caving in on itself finally collapsing on top of him. 

“I-I’m tired, halmeoni. I’m tired of us pretending. This is our one chance and you say no! Why are you giving it up so easily? Why are you giving up?! Wh-wh-why am I the only one who cares? N-N-No one cares! No one cares but me!”

Kian feels like he’s going to give way again before strong arms pull him close from behind. He breaks regardless, knowing now that at some point his Grandfather had come into the room. At this point Kian’s grief commanded his outburst.

“I’m sorry i’m not Kyung-soo. I’m sorry i’m not good like Kyung-soo so you could finally rest and have plenty of money and friends and nice clothes like he does. If I wasn’t here your family would love you and send you the money you need and you wouldn’t be dealing with this. They won’t even help you because of me. It’s my fault. I’m so sorry we can’t be happy and enjoy things like normal people. I’m so—!”

Kian felt warm hands take his cheeks and his body be squeezed harder. Momo had been hushing him and only at her touch had he quieted. He didn’t know how long she had been trying to, but his Grandfather’s face was buried heavy into his shoulder. Momo smiled, relieved to see that she had gotten through to him, but Kian could finally see her face was just as wet—and tired—as his. As familiar as she was to determination, her heart ached to see overwhelming frustration cripple the brightest heart she knew. She could be angry, she could be upset, but while Kian said one thing, she heard another. Hopes, wishes, blame, and shame but most of all that passion and sincerity.  Yes, it hurt to be the one hit by his fire this time, but this detonation of Kian’s was different than all the others she seen before it. She swiped over his cheeks with her thumbs, still working on a smile despite her own tears.

"Don’t let go of any of those dreams of yours, little one. We will figure this out just like we’ve figured out everything else. Keep hoping. It’ll be alright. I promise.”

[blu-archer]

A pajama day.

Right so here’s the next one. 

Flower shop and bakery AU. It’s wholesome.

Snz

No warnings.

Main Pairing: Jimin/Yoongi [because they’re wholesome]

“I vote today be a pajama day.” Jimin mumbled hoarsely as he shuffled into their dainty kitchen looking like he’d just rolled out of bed.

Tae glanced up from his seat on the table, pausing from scrolling through social media long enough to do a once over of his roommate. Quite frankly Tae had thought that Jimin had already left for work, hence why he was on top of the table instead of in the seats. Jimin was a stickler for the ‘glasses not asses’ rule and Tae liked to test the limits as long as he was sure his roommate wasn’t home. 

Jimin was usually the one to open the bakery he worked at in the morning since Jungkook -the only other front man besides the owner, Jin - was prone to over-sleeping and Jin liked to go shopping for the store as early as possible. Which left Jimin to be the opener.

Usually.

This morning however seemed to have taken a different route. Jimin’s cotton candy hair was in a rat nest state, and he seemed a shade paler than usual. The dark rings under his eyes more prominent than they usually were. Not to mention that the shorter man was still – as he’d declared – in his sleep rumpled pajama’s, despite it being fifteen minutes away from when the bakery was supposed to open.

“Were you up late or something?” Tae asked with a frown, taking a sip of his tea as he watched Jimin blankly stare into their fridge.

Jimin sniffed and rubbed harshly at his nose, only succeeding in increasing the irritation. He shut the fridge with disappointment and moved to test the heat of the kettle. “Something like that. When did you boil this?”

“It should still be hot.” Tae replied, still watching Jimin with cautious eyes. “Are you okay?”

“No.” Jimin muttered with a pout, getting a clean mug and a tea bag before putting in the hot water – not even bothering to add his usual heaps of sugar or dash of milk. He collapsed into the seat next to Tae, not caring that the other was not seated in the chairs like a normal person, and promptly rested his head in his arms waiting for the tea to rest.

“Jimin, what-“

Hih’ngxsh. Hih’eeXGNshh. ESHishew. Snf.

Ahh. Taehyung winced as he watched Jimin try and fail to stifle his sudden sneezes into his sleeve barely even lifting his head from its previous position. The elders body shook with the effort behind each one only to be left looking slightly flushed and itchy when he pushed himself back upright to try stop his nose from running. 

This made a lot more sense, Jimin must have called in sick.

“Oh, poor Minmin.” Taehyung stroked Jimin’s hair. “Do you want me to call Yoongi-hyung to come over?”

“And let him see this?” Jimin asked rhetorically, congestion lingering in his speech. “No thank you.”

Tae nodded in understanding, biting his lip to stop the smile that urged to grow. He was aware that Jimin and Yoongi had only been dating for about a month, but the two had known each other since Jin had decided to set up the bakery next to Yoongi’s flower shop almost five years ago. They had surely seen each other in many different states, probably even sick, but there was obviously something different about it now. 

Now it mattered. Because they were “exclusively attracted to one another”, and for some reason that changed things.

“My mistake, do you want me to call someone else? Or get you something before I leave?”

“Can’t you stay…” Jimin pouted harder. “…for pyjama day.”

Tae gave an apologetic sigh. “I have a booking for the day, Min. I can’t cancel on them.”

He knew Jimin understood that. As a freelance photographer he really shouldn’t make a habit of turning anyone away. It was difficult to find any decent work sometimes, so he needed anything he could find. His chest ached in sympathy as he watched Jimin rub at his nose again, only to hitch and catch another double wetly into his wrist. He barely had time to try stifle them like he normally did. 

Tae slid off of the table and went to the supply closet they had in their bathroom, haling out whatever cold medicine he could find along with one of the tissue boxes that they stocked in bulk for allergy season.

He returned to see that Jimin hadn’t moved, his wrist was still raised to his face with the expression of pre-sneeze.

If there was one thing Tae could relate to with Jimin, it was the annoying fact that he was also sneezy in nature. Between the two of them they had their fair share of allergies paired with a trait of being prone to illnesses, which made it easier – or perhaps he should say more forgiving – to live together. There was an understanding.

Taehyung set everything down on the table before opening the tissue box for Jimin, smiling at his friend’s thankful eyes before moving to the kitchen cupboards to look for food.

“Do you want soup?” Tae asked. “I think we have some canned stuff, or I can order you something?”

Jimin wiped his nose with a tissue, annoyed at the tickle that still had not left him. “I’ll just heat up a can later.”

Tae hummed but dragged out a can of soup anyway. “This seems to be all that we have, I’ll put it on the stove so that you can eat something before you take some meds.” He pulled out a small pot and opened the can, listening as Jimin gave up on just wiping and ended up trying to clear his sinuses – only to induce his next fit of sneezes. “If I can get back early enough, I’ll try stop at the store and get some more stuff for you.”

With the soup being heated up Tae hesitantly left his roommate to his tea while he went to shower. he felt really bad about having to leave, but he really didn’t have a choice.

 Jimin spent a few minutes coaxing out the annoyingly ticklish sneezes that left him a teary mess, trying to catch everything into the once soft but now wet tissues. His head and throat ached with each hitch of his breath and all he wanted to do was be able to breathe normally again.

Jimin could not believe his luck.

Wednesdays had quickly become his favourite days of the week. He would arrive at the bakery just past 6:30 to open at 8. Once he had checked that all of the goods were displayed and fresh, making sure that the shop was clean and the coffee machines were on, then he’d wait. It never took long, 8:15 sharp, Yoongi would peep his head in with a single flower – often changing it with each meet up, but they were all equally beautiful and left Jimin feeling warm inside. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t see Yoongi those other days, it was just that Wednesdays held the charm of letting them have some moments alone before other staff or customers bothered either of them. In fact, despite Jimin and Yoongi not working in the same store, it sure seemed like they did at times with how well the two places worked together. More often than not the staff would be running between the back doors to make sure that orders were handed over and information shared from customers that had asked ideally for some collaborated event.

Jimin loved Wednesday’s because he and Yoongi got to relax for at least the first twenty minutes, without having the fatigue of the day wearing on him or the stress of having to multitask their work as well as socialising with everyone else. That last part was probably worse for the elder, who had never been a fan of interacting with others so much anyway. 

Jimin got to witness Yoongi being soft and gentle and hear about his days and thoughts without interruption. Even the few dates they had been on had been a bit tainted by exhaustion for the both of them, so the brief moments of peace were always a blessing – especially if Jimin got to share it with a particularly sweet flower boy.

But now he was going to miss that today.

Perhaps he should send a message to Yoongi and let him know what was happening… but then he wasn’t sure what Yoongi would do. 

Jimin had barely acknowledged his phone, only using it to message Jin a brief explanation of his absence and a quick but sincere apology. He hadn’t bothered to check the messages he was sure had come from Jungkook and was at a loss of what he should tell Yoongi. It was just a cold, he was sure. If he could try to catch and control it early he could go back to work quicker. 

Telling Yoongi would just be pointless, he decided. Jimin would be back to work in a few days but knowing his co-workers they would surely relay any information onto the florist.

It still sucked though.

After Tae had left – having forced the soup into Jimin then made sure some form of medication had been taken before leaving – Jimin had found himself bouncing between his bedroom, the lounge and the balcony overlooking the city- bundling against the cold wind every time he chose the third option.

He couldn’t seem to go back to sleep despite being tired and it was no fun trying to watch movies by himself. He wished Taehyung could have stayed, or that Jungkook could come over just so that he could have someone to cuddle with, but he couldn’t call the younger over and rob the bakery of yet another worker. No, Jimin would just suffer through the day with tea and tissues.

Eventually, after a lot of shifting and another small dose of cold meds when his sinuses had encouraged a headache to settle in again, Jimin retrieved his phone from where he had left it in his room. He perched himself on the couch and scrolled through social media, looking at pictures of old friends going out and travelling to new places. It looked like fun, but it wasn’t something that Jimin had always been too keen on. He preferred the small community that he worked and lived with and took pride in the beauty of the place he had made his home.

He paused on an image of the front of ‘Spring Day’ that had been posted on the bakeries Instagram page. From the quality of the photo Jimin could only assume it was Jungkook that had taken it – work must not be too busy then. The image showed Hoseok grinning widely as he opened up the large shop windows, becoming surrounding by flowerpots and plants hanging down from the ceiling and the vines creeping along the trellis beside him. It was a very natural and welcoming photo that Jungkook had captioned with some cheesy flower quote. Looking closer Jimin could just make out a second figure in the back that fell just out of focus. Yoongi must have been setting up some of the new stock inside while Hobi was goofing off with Jungkook.

Jimin could almost imagine the grumpy mumbling that the elder must have been doing before trying his best to stay out of the range of the camera – never wanting to be the face of the company. 

Jimin’s smile fell as he coughed openly, snuggling deeper his seat and pulling a blanket that Tae had left out over himself. His eyes trained onto the blurry figure of his boyfriend, his own vision becoming somewhat blurred and the small ache  growing in his chest only seemed to worsen.

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

I grew up at the school founded by my church. I spent 13 years there, not including the decade after of returning to help with theater, choir, events, etc. simply because I love some of the staff and students so much. 

In the last four years, I have seen the staff and church I loved so dearly become hateful liars. The pastor emeritus and founder of the church shares outright lies to his facebook page before sharing his “pastor picks” instructing his congregation how to vote. After he recently shared something which said (no, I’m not kidding) that he would vote for Trump no matter what because “what is character when there’s policy?” and “If only for abortion.” At some point I made a carefully worded comment advising him to use empathy when speaking about such things, because there is much to be found lacking Trump’s character. He has known me since I was four years old. He blocked me. 

The church page shares blubbering support for police officers, and designates BLM as “thugs”. A month or so ago, I commented on the church facebook page that: 

“I’ve seen all of the support recently for law enforcement. As an alum, it would be great to see some support for black lives, as well!” 

It was repeatedly deleted. My attempts to find out why were brushed off. I finally got put in touch with the executive pastor who told me we had to meet in person or he wouldn’t discuss it at all, despite my repeated insistence that I would not violate our state “stay home” order to do so. 

Finally, he responded and said that my comment was deleted because it “wasn’t relevant to the post” (it wasn’t on a post, so... that’s a lie) and it felt “divisive” 

And I am not ashamed to admit that I am heartbroken. I spent two days absolutely crying myself sick. 

I drafted dozens of letters, spent weeks editing... and I’m just so tired. So I finally deleted most of what I had written and sent him the following: 

Pastor ******, 

Thank you for replying to my email. 

I apologize for the delay in returning a response.  There are many things I could say, and I spent a long while trying to determine the best way to present them in a manner that makes sense and provokes thought rather than accusing or shaming. However, given my recent interactions with various members of staff at (church), I'm not sure that there would ultimately be much point to it.

I understand that communicating via written word is sometimes less nuanced and more complex than face-to-face interactions, but I believe that a lot can still be said with a few words. Whether or not it was your intention, much was said with your response.

To begin with, my comment that you deleted was not on another post; it was a stand alone message directly to the church facebook page. As such, there was no way for it to be "irrelevant to the post" as you've said here.

As for the remark that it felt divisive, well... if simply using the words “black lives” equates to division, then (church) has made their stance quite clear. 

I had been using this time to draft a letter to the staff of (church) in the hopes of making my concerns apparent in a way that is productive, thoughtful, and sincere, but after several recent interactions with various members of staff (teachers, pastors, and other team members) I find myself wondering if there is any positive outcome to be achieved by doing so. I know you do not know me personally, but (church), via both school and church, was my home for well over thirteen years. I grew up with many of the current staff and members of the congregation. It is never my intent to harm or upset anyone there, but with each new interaction-- either with a staff member individually, or by seeing what has been shared on social media by various team members and the church itself-- I find my heart breaking and my faith fading. 

These interactions have more than once brought me to tears, as the realization that this church and these people whom I have loved so dearly are not, in fact, who I once thought they were is devastating. 

Mourning unjust loss of life should not be considered divisive, and I am not sure how it came to be considered so. 

I only hope that I can expect better of (church) and their staff, emeritus and otherwise, in the future.

Thank you for your time. 

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. 

[rin-archives]

Enchanted | Mark Lee

Pairing: idol!au mark lee x y/n Genre: fluff, pure fluff. Words: 3,132k (woops 👀)

Enchanted - Taylor Swift

“Y/Nnie~ you’ve got mail.” your British friend approached you with the envelope in her hand. “Mail? Why would I get mail?” you scoffed at the idea of you receiving any mail when you thought you didn’t really deserve all the praise. “It’s from Korea.” you froze thinking that it could be from your family but when your friend said that it wasn’t you felt like you recovered half of your life. “That’s odd. I don’t think I wrote to anyone else. Especially these past months.” you took the envelope from your friend and tucked it in the pocket of your duffel bag telling your mind to keep a note about the letter.

After training for several hours you arrive in your apartment. Kicking your shoes off, not bothering with wearing your house slippers since you just want to have a hot bath right now. You walked straight into the bathroom, dropped your duffel bag on the floor and prepared the bath. You set your sleeping clothes by your bed then went back to the bathroom to turn the water from the tub off. You got in after tying your hair up in a bun and released a long sigh. It was a sigh of relief. You hadn’t felt this exhausted since the first time you competed.

You were about to close your eyes and lull yourself to sleep but you remembered about the mail you got. Turning your head to your bag you reached for the mail lying inside the front pocket. You looked at the return address then you saw that it really wasn’t from home. The address was unfamiliar as well. “Hm..a fan letter? But I never posted anything about where I am.” You thought aloud. Flipping the envelope around to carefully open the sealed flap. You take out the paper inside and unfolded them to see what the content was.

Hi Ms. y/n!

I’m sorry if this is so sudden and random. I realize now — as I’m writing this that maybe you didn’t want to receive any fan letters. I sincerely apologize for that! I swear this is probably the last time you’ll be hearing from me.

My name is Mark Lee and I’m from Seoul, Korea. I’m not sure if you’ve heard about NCT before but I’m part of that group. Anyway, I didn’t write this letter to promote myself or anything like that...I wrote this to let you know I admire you so much.

The first time I saw your match, I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. You were oozing with confidence and you were sure you’d get that gold medal. When they announced the scores, I couldn’t help but feel the way you felt. You felt vulnerable - I could tell, but you were able to keep your head high. I really admire you for that.

I know it seems weird that I somehow was able to write you this letter. I wanted to message you privately instead on social media but I heard you weren’t a fan of that. So I went old school. I really hope this reached you. You don’t need to let me know but here’s my kakaotalk ID. I know you’re probably busy but if ever there’s a chance for you to let me know that you got it, I’ll be waiting for your reply. I promise you I’m not a creep or whatever. If you’re still skeptical, here’s a photo of me. Uh...it’s the only one I could find so I’m sorry if it looks awful.

Have a good day, Ms. Y/N! :]

Sincerely,

Mark Lee

You picked up the photo that was wallet sized and you felt your lips curve into a small smile. You admitted he was cute and that his letter was adorable. This guy was a fan, but not only that he’s actually an idol who admires you as an athlete. “I guess it’s okay...” you mumbled to yourself while gazing into the photo at your hand.

After drying yourself, you laid down on your bed scrolling through the messages you received. They were mostly updates on your schedule in the group chat with your team. Then you had a thought. You suddenly remembered Mark’s kakaotalk ID and thought of sending him a message. It was the least you could do after reading that adorable letter. You searched for the time in Seoul right now and learned that it was 6PM. He’s not busy right now I suppose...

itsy/n: Hi :) Is this Mark Lee? From NCT?

Six and a half months, you and Mark became good friends online. You’d tell each other how your days were when they’re over since you don’t live in the same area. Sometimes, he’d give you a call — with your permission of course and if you didn’t have training the following day or if he didn’t have rehearsals or anything scheduled. Both of you made sure that you wouldn’t get in the way of each other’s lives too much since both of you require focus, most especially you.

Few months after, the competition drawing near and it just so happened to be in Seoul. You packed your things two days prior to the flight but you told Mark weeks before. He was excited that you were coming home and he made sure that he’d watch the competition live. He couldn’t hide his excitement to the members that they ended up being excited for him as well. They’ve seen your matches on tv before or whenever Mark would watch reruns and they weren’t oblivious to the friendship you and Mark made. They would also tease him on how much you both talk to each other or how much he mentions you to them. He brushes off that feeling quickly because he didn’t want things to be awkward— well he hope he wouldn’t make it awkward. The members weren’t just teasing him for fun, they had a feeling he had taken interest in you romantically and obviously he’d never admit that. At least not yet.

The day of your arrival came and lots of press came to greet you. The flash from their cameras were blinding you that it was starting to get on your nerves. Thankfully, you were able to get on the car quickly. You arrived in the hotel that the event organizer booked for all the athletes that came. Since dinner was much later, you took this chance to freshen up and rest for a bit in your room. Just then, the sound of your kakaotalk went off notifying you’ve received a message.

Canada: Hey :) You landed yet?

You: Yup, just got in my room too. Your timing is perfect haha

Canada: Cool! Hope your flight was smooth. Have you had dinner?

You: Not yet. Dinner’s going to be a little later. All the athletes are having dinner together at the same time so, I’m gonna freshen up a bit and rest.

Canada: Make sure you eat a lot! :) 

You: Ha, I think I should be telling you that? The last photo you sent me of yourself, you’re not looking so good? Are you sure you’re eating? :P

Canada: I am! I’m gaining muscles too! 

You: Uh-huh, yeah, sure you are

As you were about to put your phone down a sudden call came from Mark. It wasn’t just an ordinary call, it was a video call. You froze for a bit, not knowing what to do but you couldn’t leave him hanging either. After two rings, you answer the call and made sure the camera wasn’t too close to your face.

“Do you see that?” He asks, pointing the camera on his mirror as he flexes his biceps showing you his muscles. 

“Hm, I don’t really see it Mark.” You lied. Of course you did.

“Why are you doing this to me, girl?” He clicked the icon that rotates the camera to his face and pouted. All you could do was scoff and shake your head as you walk around with the phone in your hand. Now that you’ve guys started the video call, neither of you wanted to end the call. 

“My bad, were you about to prepare?” He sets his phone down on his stand as he sat down in front of it. “Sort of? I was just going to wash my face and change to something more comfortable.” You said while going to the bathroom, setting your phone down on the counter. “I guess I could show you how I wash my face.” You chuckled as you removed your team jacket to hang it behind the bathroom door. “Alright, let’s get it.” You laughed when he said that. Hearing your laugh was the highlight of his night after coming back from a really sweaty practice.

Your first video call went well. He made sure washing your face was entertaining that you couldn’t actually do it properly. After that you had to close the camera so you can comfortably change. Once you were done, you opened the camera again and set the phone down to the dresser to put on light make up that was close to looking natural. Mark kept talking to you as he watched the way you put on the foundation and fixed your eyebrows by coloring it lightly. The whole call wasn’t awkward at all and when it was time for your dinner you told him he call you back if he wanted to. 

You couldn’t stop thinking about the call you just had with Mark. Although you weren’t paying attention to him since you were busy with preparing, you’d take glances at your phone and notice how his eyes were big. His face was somewhere in between a little boy and a boy in his teens when he’s already in his early 20s. 

The whole month you arrived in Seoul, you spent the days training and constantly talking to Mark. The day of the competition was about to arrive and you found out that Mark and his group were invited to perform. You were nervous to see how he was on stage because you got to know him as someone who was a goof ball, really loves to laugh and generally he seemed like a happy person to you. You wondered what he was like when he was performing, but you didn’t wonder long since you also had to keep your head in the game.

You were aiming for gold this time and you couldn’t let your team down. You couldn’t let yourself down either. You wanted to win it this time. 

The time has come for the event to open and all the athletes were in their respective areas. The announcers on the side were doing their opening spiels then when they were done they announced that NCT 127 is about to take the stage. You didn’t want to seem too excited to see Mark performing for the first time so you kept your composure. But when you see him walking towards the stage as their music began, you felt your heart rate rise up as if you were the one performing. Their song began, a song you’ve listened to a couple of times but it was very different when seeing it live. 

You saw a very different Mark up there and that really caught your attention. You couldn’t stop staring at him. The way he looks at the cameras passing by towards them was very intense but left a charm for their fans for sure. After the performance, they introduced themselves and all their charisma while performing vanished. Some of them were shy, some were actively smiling towards the fans and the cameras and then where was Mark. It was like he reverted back to the guy you were talking to but a more professional one. When one of their members were talking, you accidentally locked eyes with one another and you panicked inside. You didn’t know whether to give a wave or smile but before you could decide he sent a smile and a light nod towards you. You returned it hoping that none of your team mates saw that.

Finally, the match began. NCT had the privilege to stay and watch but not all of them were able to due to other schedules. Mark stayed behind with another member, they stayed where the audience were seated but they were in front. Just when they sat down it was your turn. You were competing in the archery category since that was forte and that was you’ve been training for ever since you discovered archery. You took your position with your professional bow and waited for the referee to signal you to begin. You take a deep breath slowly, calming your heart and your mind. The referee nodded his head towards you and you inserted the arrow to where it’s supposed to be. When you were ready, you held your equipment high, keeping your eye in the middle marking the bullseye. You pulled the bow string backwards while holding on to the tail of the arrow, you took another deep breath and released.

A year has passed since then and you kept in touch with Mark as he goes in and out of Seoul. You made up with your family before heading back to London to continue your training and at the same time continue your education. You prioritized training over studying before but now since you won the gold medal you’ve been working hard for, you now had to face another challenge. Graduating.

There would be times that you and Mark would meet up in London in secret if his group was there but most of the time you had video calls and regular calls. His group members already had an idea that both of you were more than friends at this point and were just denying it. There were pros and cons of dating each other that you both knew even if neither said anything about dating or confessing your feelings. He constantly travels, you permanently live in London and his bombarded by fans all the time. There was actually no time to see each other to date if ever and it was entirely impossible. 

However, one night, you and Mark were on a video call. He just got back from a schedule while you were working on homework. “What are you working on?” He asked while munching on a bowl of cereal. “Science homework. I want to get this done so on the weekend, I can just train or something.” You replied typing on your keyboard. “Do you seriously just train the whole weekend? Don’t you have friends to hang out with?” 

“I’d rather just train. Training is tiring enough for me, socializing will just flat out make me lowbat.” you chuckled softly. “Ah, then I must be lucky.” 

“Why’s that?”

“’Cause you have enough energy to socialize with me like this.” you can see him grinning even though you weren’t looking at the screen. “Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I mean, I’m practically talking to an idol.” you chuckled. “You didn’t even know me until I mailed that letter. Girl, please.” he rolled his eyes playfully. You both were laughing. “I had my doubts you know.”

“About what? The letter?” you saw him blink his wide doe eyes. “Mhm.” you nodded slightly. “Why?”

“I don’t get mail. Let alone a fan letter.” you chuckled softly at the thought of calling it a fan letter. “No one knows my address here. My family didn’t even know until I came home and made up with them. So, how did you find out?” by now you were looking into the camera. “I- uh..” he kept averting his gaze elsewhere, unable to look at you. “Come on Canada, you can tell me. You’ve got no choice anyway.” 

“I...really wanted to find a way to reach out to you.” he began. “There was something that drew me to you. I just felt like, I needed to reach out somehow. So, I had help from the staff on finding out how to at least send the letter.” you weren’t typing anymore. You just watched how he told you about his efforts on finding a way to reach out. You saw how he was looking for the right words to say, every pause he took before speaking out and the way his hands rubs against his own. He looked nervous and you wanted to hold them. “Thanks to one of our staff, they got a hold of your manager and explained how much I really needed to send the mail. Your manager wouldn’t budge at first, but she eventually did. I guess, she got tired of me or us for constantly trying to get your address.” he rubbed the back of his neck feeling embarrassed.

“Nah, she was actually surprised that I’d get a fan letter. I was the one who didn’t want to receive anything coming from Seoul. Because at that time, I wasn’t in good terms with my parents. I didn’t want to receive anything from them either so I told my manager, my team and my coach even that if anyone sends me anything from Seoul to not accept it.” you explained. “They were just doing what I told them.” you assured. He let out a sigh of relief which you found cute. 

“Thanks for that by the way.” you started to speak. “If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have had...motivation.” you saw that he was doing the same thing you were doing when he was the one talking. “I actually wanted to give up everything before I got that letter. I wasn’t doing well during training that I kept missing the bullseye.” Now you were the one trying to focus your eyes elsewhere. “I had doubts because it was too good to be true that it was from an idol and...also I thought my team mate was lying when she gave it to me. I thought it was from my parents but when I saw the return address that’s when I opened the letter and read what you wrote.” you paused.

“I didn’t think I’d be texting you on kakao, actually. But I’m glad that I did.” you showed a shy smile which Mark returned. Both of you were silent for a while. You let the comfortable silence seep in before reaching out to your keyboard again to type. Both of you knew what that comfortable silence meant. Both of you wanted to say something but thought it wouldn’t be the right time. 

Both of you were enchanted to meet each other and hoped that both of you wouldn’t fall for anyone else until the day one of you confesses.

a/n: that was longer than i expected 👀i hope you enjoyed it as much as i did writing this. there’s a part here that happened in real life but of course not with mark lee lol can you guess what it is? 🤔

copyright 2020 rin-archives, all rights reserved.

[namfine]

Hello All! 

It’s ~Admin Zesty~ here, and I’m sad to say I’ve been booked a one-way ticket on the departing train. I feel it’s my duty to our readers to explain why, in the hopes that those involved can learn and grow from this.

As a disclaimer, I don’t claim to speak for Umami and Fizzy; they have been cordial in taking their leave, and everything I’m about to say stems from my own observations and conclusions. A lot has come to the surface in the past 24 hours, putting together puzzle pieces that none of us knew about. I’ll get to that in a moment, but I have to say this: Umami and Fizzy have been cordial. I will not. I was asked to leave; but more on that later.

I tend to let things pass; I’m a fairly easy-going person. I’m not one to pick fights and will often let things slide, or assume I’m imagining them. I like to give my friends the benefit of the doubt, which they deserve until proven otherwise. The boiling point for me with this was a brief argument I got into with Tart right before Christmas. This was not the first time I felt like Tart was looking for a fight, which heavily contributed to the overflow that followed. I expressed my distaste at people not wearing masks in the Atlanta airport while I was sitting waiting for my flight (a photo of the airport, me = masked, captioned “I hate the South”). Tart immediately jumped on me, claiming I was “belittling the work of Black activists in Atlanta” by “generalizing the South” - the South, which I know intimately well, having been raised in the Carolinas for 16 years of my life. My wealth of experience, in addition to the physical experience I was having in that airport, was invalid in the face of Tart’s experience living in the rural Midwest- which is, of course, exactly the same as the Bible Belt. 

This may seem like a small grievance to some, but to me, it was the straw on the camel’s back. I left every server - the general discord, our private writing discord, and the Namjoon server where we all met. I work a very demanding full-time job, which is stressful enough as it is; I couldn’t allow my hobby to stress me out too. I just had to get away for my mental health, just so I could breathe. I did not unfollow or block any of the other admins on any social medias - not private DM’s on discord, Snapchat, Instagram, etc. Immediately, Fizzy and Umami reached out to ask if I was okay, and I explained that I just needed a break.

Tart reached out to apologize, and the apology seemed sincere. We reconciled, but there was no further attempt to reach out and invite me back to any of the servers. I was content to just take a break and let this go, and return to writing when I felt ready - and that’s where things remained since then, up until today. I remained in cordial contact with the other admins, apart from Tart but I did not believe there was any hostility. 

When Umami posted their departure, I noticed the post on the blog. I reached out to them, asking if they were okay, and they explained to me the circumstances surrounding their decision to leave. Many of our experiences were similar, once we starting talking. I was sympathetic to their decision, but still felt committed to taking a leave of absence and returning when the time was right. Then, as many of you have already seen, Fizzy left as well. Umami and Fizzy both made the decision to leave separately; Umami posted the same message she posted on the Tumblr and the general Discord in the private server before leaving everything without another word. After Fizzy made her decision, she reached out to me on behalf of Tart and Minty - the first I’ve heard from Tart since we reconciled, and the first I’ve heard from Minty regarding the blog at all, albeit indirectly. They asked me to announce my departure, never having bothered to check-in with me themselves, firsthand. 

All of this stems from the bigger issues at play here, which I’d like to talk about, in what detail I can. As I said before, these are my own observations and conclusions; but I think they’re important, and I’m going to make sure I’m heard. Tart and Minty both contributed to a toxic environment, and it’s only after leaving that I’ve been able to see it for what it was. It’s been building up to the point that two other admins decided to leave of their own accord, and if that doesn’t tell you the state of things, I’m not sure what will. 

Near the end, Tart stopped being supportive of not only me, but also Umami. They were so caught up in themselves that ideas pitched were blatantly ignored or outrightly criticized. They made me feel alienated a lot of the time, something I’ve come to realize was not solely my experience. They disregarded my vents while at the same time demanding attention and validation of their own, several times a day. They are possessive over Jungkook to the point where the rest of us stopped writing about him, out of fear of getting snapped at. They complained about the lack of likes or attention from followers, while also managing to complain about attention from followers. They are judgy, condescending, and belittling to others that they deem lesser - which includes me, supposedly their friend. They constantly contradict themselves in various situations, taking whatever viewpoint best enables them to start a fight. There was also a multitude of microaggressions that I only noticed the magnitude of in retrospect; but that is Umami’s story, and it’s not my place to say any more on the matter. 

Umami has told me that she will be elaborating more on this, and for those who would like to hear her side of the story, you will find it on her new blog here.

Minty is Tart’s more tactful twin. She is either oblivious to the actions of Tart or outrightly ignores them, exhibiting the same lack of support that Tart has always displayed. She’s complacent with the constant bullying and abuse of both her fellow admins and members of the blog's discord. It’s bystander apathy to the highest degree at best, and enabling at worst. Throughout all of this, Minty has not once reached out to me to address any of this. 

Throughout the past month, I did not reach out to Tart or Minty. I felt like after the apology with Tart it was the assailant's job to instigate the conversation of whether or not the one who was upset (me) would like to join the group again. That conversation was never had, and I never stated that I wanted to leave. It's not fair to expect me to grovel to the other admins and beg to be returned to my position. I felt the apology went well, and I was content to leave it all in the past. Instead, the other admins just assumed since I had left the discord, I therefore left the blog. Had the apology been sincere, I would have been welcomed back with open arms.

I thought you were my friends, but friends don’t treat each other like this. Friends don’t make each other feel like they have to walk on eggshells around them. Friends should support each other and lift each other up, not turn everything into a competition or a fight. If I had realized that others around me were feeling the same way, I would not have sat silent for this long. For that, I apologize - to Umami, and to you, readers. 

I was asked to leave, so I’m leaving. This is my exit. I will be taking my work with me, just as Umami did. Umami was kind enough to invite me to join her on her other blog, so I will be housing my works there. I will be writing more in the future, so if you enjoyed any of my work, please feel free to follow me over there.

I want to thank you, readers, for taking the time to support my work. I feel like I’ve grown a lot as a writer since we started this, and it used to be a lot of fun. I hope to recapture that joy with a fresh start, and I hope that you come join me, if you feel so inclined. 

But in case I don’t see you…click here.

~Admin Zesty~

[blurry-fics]

Two Years

Pairing: Josh Dun x Reader

Warnings: Angst, profanity

Word Count: 2200

Request: hi! if requests are open can I request a josh fic where they were really close friends for years but then he got a really controlling girlfriend and he stopped talking to y/n. after like 2 years he broke up with her and tried to become friends with y/n again but his ex girlfriend was blaming the reader for the break up so y/n got in an argument with josh about the fact that she didn't want to get involved and then he confesses that he's in love with the reader? you're so talented btw

Author’s Note: As promised, here is the fic! I wrote this one a little differently than I normally do, so I hope you enjoy it! :) (picture credit)

Two Years Ago

y/n: josh?

y/n: are you going to tell me why you didn’t show up to lunch yesterday?

y/n: this is the third time you’ve bailed on our plans without telling me

y/n: is something going on that i don’t know about?

…

y/n: ok

Four Months Ago

The sun was shining on your back as you walked through the park, enjoying your Saturday off and getting some fresh air after spending the week in the office. Music playing through your headphones was also helping to block out the world around you. It was a nice way to unwind after a stressful week at work.

There was an empty bench beneath a tree, so you decided to sit down and rest for a little while before you continued your walk. You grabbed your phone from your pocket, deciding that it was as good a time as any to catch up on any notifications you may have missed. Knowing your boss, there was inevitably some side project that he would want you to take on and finish before work on Monday. Even if you didn’t want to do it, it was better to know now and give yourself plenty of time to complete it.

To your surprise, there was a text from an unknown number on your screen, bearing the simple message of “hey”. You weren’t one to typically answer those types of texts, but there had been an influx of new people at work and your boss had been quick to hand out your personal number in case they “needed anything.”

y/n: who is this?

You set your phone down in your lap while you waited for an answer; you didn’t want to sit around staring at your screen. This was still meant to be a relaxing walk, after all.

unknown: you really don’t know?

A chill ran down your spine, but you decided to push forward in the conversation. An old friend, maybe?

y/n: no, sorry.

unknown: it’s josh. josh dun?

Shit.

You shut your phone off, wishing you could pretend that you hadn’t just seen his message. The last time you had spoken to Josh was nearly two years ago, if you could even call it that. He had essentially ghosted you after he started seeing his girlfriend with zero explanation. You had tried to maintain the friendship for a few months, but after all of your texts and calls went unanswered, you finally gave up. The two of you hadn’t spoken since.

josh: this is y/n, right?

Your hands shook as you typed your response.

y/n: yeah

y/n: why are you contacting me?

josh: it’s a long story. can i call you?

y/n: i’m on a walk right now. i’ll call you when i get home.

You got off the bench and started walking in the direction you had come from.

You paced the length of the kitchen with your phone clutched in your hand, occasionally stopping to take a drink of water. Even after spending the entire walk home trying to figure out what you felt about hearing from Josh, you were still conflicted. On one hand, you were excited to hear from the guy you had once considered your best friend. On the other, you were furious that he had disappeared without a trace and decided to randomly come back years later. You had gotten so used to life without him that you weren’t sure that you were ready for a life with him again.

If that was even what he wanted.

You decided to put an end to your worrying and call Josh. The phone only rang a few times before he picked up.

“Hello?” Your heart skipped a beat at hearing his voice again.

“What the fuck, Josh?”

“Well that’s not the reaction I was expecting.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you expect me to be all happy and relieved that you finally decided to contact me? You dropped me out of nowhere, with no explanation, and then moved halfway across the country. Who the hell does that?”

“Listen, Y/N, I can explain.”

“Then you better start explaining fast because I really don’t have the patience for this.”

“Ok.” Josh took a deep breath. “You remember my girlfriend?”

“The one you started dating before dropping me? Yeah, I remember,” you snapped.

“Yes, ok, listen. That was the problem. Things were ok for the first couple months and then she got really… controlling. One of the first things she said I had to do was stop talking to you, and I went along with it. I know it’s stupid, but it was easier than trying to fight her on it. I thought it would get better with time. I really did. I never meant to stop talking to you for years, Y/N.”

You took a deep breath. Although Josh’s actions had hurt you, you could understand where he was coming from.

“But you did, Josh.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry. I regret it every single day. That’s why I’m reaching out to you now.”

“Thank you for apologizing.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Is… is she still in the picture?” you asked.

“Yeah. I’ve been trying to put an end to things, but it’s not easy, as you can imagine.”

“Right.”

“Can I ask you something?”

You took a deep breath, “Sure.”

“Do you think that there’s a possibility that we can be friends again?”

You paused, listening to the static of the phone call.

“Yes.”

Two Months Ago

Bad idea.

Bad idea.

Bad idea.

“Hi,” you smiled as you pulled the front door open. “How are you?”

Josh looked almost surprised to see you. He stared at you for a moment before he finally started to smile, holding his arms out.

“I’m ok, how are you?”

You accepted his hug and pressed your face to his chest. He smelled different than you remembered.

“I’m alright. Come in.”

After spending the last couple months catching up via texts and phone calls, you finally told Josh that you felt ready to see him in person again. He had caught a flight back to Ohio the next day and now he was standing in your entryway.

“Do you want anything to drink?” you asked.

“I’m ok, thank you.”

“Alright.”

The two of you sat down on opposite ends of the couch. Despite your easy conversation over the phone, you felt tongue tied now that Josh was actually sitting in front of you. Had it really been two years since you were in the same room?

“Your house is really nice,” Josh said. He was nervously twisting his fingers.

“You don’t have to make small talk with me, Josh. But thank you.”

He turned to you with a partial smile.

“Two years later and you can still read me like a book.”

“Your facial expressions tell me all I need to know.”

“All of it?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

“All of it.”

“Noted.”

You were unable to stop a smile from creeping across your face. Of course you and Josh would act like you hadn’t ever spent any time apart. Isn’t that how you had always been?

“Hey, what did you tell your girlfriend about going to Ohio?”

“She thinks I’m here to work on the album with Tyler. The only reason she didn’t sneak on her own flight here is because her best friend has a bridal shower tomorrow that she refused to miss, although there were a couple times that she almost bailed to come with me.”

“Yikes, I’m sorry.”

Josh shrugged, “It’s ok. Knowing that things will be over soon makes it easier.”

“What are you going to tell her?”

“The truth.”

“Which is?” you asked.

“I shouldn’t share. It’s kind of personal.”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with me, does it?”

“No,” Josh shook his head, “no.”

“Good, because I don’t want to be in the middle of all that. Apparently she already had enough reasons to not like me.”

“I never understood that. How could anybody not like you?”

“No idea,” you laughed, “but they do.”

“I don’t.” You turned towards Josh, expecting him to be laughing, but his face was completely sincere. “Not in the slightest.”

“Thanks, Josh. I appreciate that.”

One Month Ago

Ding.

Ding.

Ding.

Ding.

“What the hell?” you muttered, pulling your attention away from your laptop long enough to check your phone. There were four messages, all from Josh.

josh: i’m sorry

josh: i’m so sorry

josh: i didn’t mean for her to find out

josh: it was an accident

That didn’t sound good.

y/n: slow down, what are you talking about?

josh: [sent a link]

You clicked on the link, which took you to an Instagram post made by Josh’s now-ex girlfriend, as he had informed you last night. The picture was of her, and the caption spanned most of the rest of your screen. Your stomach sunk as you started to read it.

As many of you know, for the last two years, I was dating @joshuadun. I THOUGHT we were meant to be, but apparently he wanted to dump me because he was in love with someone else. Of course, he wouldn’t tell me who that was because he’s a lying, scummy, piece of shit that led me on for absolutely no reason. Since he won’t tell me, I’ll let all of you do my digging for me, starting with @y/n. They were friends before I started dating him and they randomly decided to “reconnect” a few months ago. Suspicious, huh? Anyway, I’m going to be taking a little social media break for my mental health, but feel free to DM me with anything you find. Hugs and kisses xoxo see you soon!

You dialed Josh instantly.

“Hi, Y/N.”

“What is going on?”

“I’m sorry. I was packing up my things this morning and left my phone on the bed while I went into another room to grab something. She snuck in and saw a message from you and started screaming at me, accusing me of cheating on her.”

“Is it true?”

“No, I would never cheat on her,” Josh said, immediately getting defensive.

“Not that part. When you were at my house, you told me that you were going to tell her the truth. She said in her post that you told her you were in love with someone else, and she thinks it’s me. Is that true? Are you in love with me, Josh?”

Your question was met with silence. You had to double check that he hadn’t hung up on you.

“Josh?”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes,” he took a deep breath, “I’m in love with you.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“What?”

“What do you mean what?” you snapped. “You stopped talking to me out of nowhere, randomly came back years later claiming you wanted to be friends again, lied to me when I asked if the truth had anything to do with me, and then publicly dragged me into the middle of your breakup! I asked you for one thing, Josh. One. I didn’t want to be in the middle of it, yet here I am.”

“I’m sorry, it was an accident.”

“I just need to go. I’ll talk to you… I don’t know when, but I need a break from all of this. Bye, Josh.”

You hung up before giving him a chance to say anything else.

Present Day

Josh was sitting in front of you.

You were nervously picking at your jeans, trying to find the right words to say. The two of you had been having conversations here and there over the last month, but you still felt bad about the way you had reacted when the drama with his ex happened. There had been more going on than you thought under the surface, and as a result Josh had gotten all of your stress dumped on him.

It was long past time you actually explained that to him.

“Are you going to say anything?” he asked.

“Yes, I just need a second,” you said. “I’m sorry.”

“Take your time.”

You nodded. Josh idly tapped his fingers on his legs.

“Ok. I think I’m ready.”

“I’m listening.”

You looked up at Josh, meeting his eyes. His eyebrows raised slightly.

“First, I just want to apologize again for how I reacted when all the drama happened. I had a lot going on and you were an easy target to take my stress out on. I thought it was just frustration at first, but after some thinking I realized it was a lot more than that.”

You waited for Josh to say something, but he stayed quiet.

“I love you too, Josh.”

“You do?”

“I pushed it down for a long time for a lot of reasons, but the fact of the matter is that I love you. I can’t deny it anymore.”

Josh leaned forward and wrapped his arms around you, burying his face in the crook of your neck. You held onto him tightly.

He smelled just like you remembered.

“I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too,” you smiled.