𝜗𝜚 A Lie Matter.
Spencer Reid x Prentiss!reader
Series masterlist | ONE | TWO | THREE |
Summary: All Spencer wanted was to have you back, but when it happens, it's the opposite of what he and you thought it would be.
Words: 3,6k.
TW: mentions of crime, trauma, death and pain (normal warnings in the series). so much spoilers for s6 and s7. the events narrated occur after emily's "death". so MUCH angst. read the dates carefully, especially the years, because there are some backward time frames that can confuse you if you don't pay attention!. english isn't my first language (sorry for my mistakes, be kind please).
Note: Okay, if I apologized for the first part, I have to get down on my knees for this one, because it is even more bitter (sorry Emily and Spencer, too).
I ask you to put yourselves in everyone's shoes and refrain from hateful comments. The process of writing this was emotionally challenging for me because I recognize that everyone has a valid point of view.
♡ Enjoy! ♡
December 5th, 2010
Your brow furrowed as you opened a new tab on your computer and watched it freeze for a few seconds. You were not very knowledgeable about technology and thought that perhaps a technical analyst could be of assistance. You were somewhat surprised when you suddenly felt a pair of warm arms around you from behind the sofa.
On the bright side, it wasn't all bad. At least not if you had him on your side.
“Hey.” You said, smiling slightly as you felt Spencer rest his head on your shoulder. “I thought you were reading.”
“Yeah, but you looked really focused and I wanted to know what you were doing.” He replied, carefully sitting down next to you on the couch, not wanting to invade your space. You looked at him with some amusement. “I'm just curious.”
He gazed at your computer screen, his heart aching a little as he noticed you were browsing a travel site, exploring different destinations and planning your budget. Had you decided to leave? He wondered why you hadn't told him sooner. Were you planning to leave him?
“Are you planning to leave?” He finally asked, after a few seconds of trying to decide whether to pursue the matter further. “Did something happen?”
The question he really wanted to ask, and feared to ask, was: Did I do something?
But no, Spencer wasn't going to self-destruct or assume things this time. He trusted you and he trusted that you would tell him if something was wrong because that was the kind of relationship the two of you had built.
“It's my mother's gift to me.” You replied quickly, as if to avoid the subject. “For my birthday.” You added as you noticed he looked confused.
“A trip?”
“Yes, when I was younger, I wanted to see the whole world and my mother promised that someday I would.” You began to explain, trying to avoid his gaze at first so as not to show too much vulnerability. Suddenly he took your hand in support. “Since I was fourteen, she's given me a trip every time...she doesn't know that I don't even have that dream anymore.”
“What is your dream now?” He asked with a genuine curiosity that made you feel small under his gaze.
You paused for a moment and smiled at him. “Is it too cheesy if I say it's you?”
“It's sweet.” Spencer couldn't help but blush a little and let out a laugh and then get a little more serious. “What's your dream?”
It was a new question, so you weren't quite sure how to answer. It was unusual because no one had ever asked you that before, or at least not with such a genuine interest in your answer.
“Other than you? I think just peace of mind. Maybe a family, a dog, and a nice house. The usual.” You rambled a bit, unsure. “To be honest, I've had the same dreams as my sister all my life. I've always copied them, even the FBI idea. But we already know that didn't work out so well for me.” You faked a laugh and pointed to your leg.
You expected him to laugh, the last thing you wanted was a look of pity or a deepening of your childhood problems. But you knew him well enough to know that he wasn't the kind of person to let things go, he literally couldn't forget them.
“Don't feel sorry for me, please.” You said as you noticed how his caresses on your arm were getting softer and softer.
“It's not that. I just don't like it when you treat yourself badly.” He explained calmly. “You were good at the FBI anyway. You're good at everything.”
You let out a bitter little laugh. “I was only 'good' because my sister taught me how to fight. And without being able to do that, I'm no good.” You pointed with a smile on your face, not wanting to worry him. “But it's okay, you have the brains.”
“And you're smart, funny, pretty, and-” He started listing your attributes at a surprising pace, which made you stop him with a kiss.
He is deeply moved when he experiences the sensation of your lips on his. Your kisses always leave him feeling profoundly cherished. They are characterized by a gentle, soft, warm, and tender quality that makes him feel like he is the most precious thing in the world to you. It is enough to send an intoxicating wave of emotions through him, filling every inch of his body with warmth.
“Thank you.” You gave him a smile when your lips parted.
“I had a lot more to say.” He said, still a little flushed. He then tucked a lock of hair behind your ear, as if he wanted to see you better. “I could go on for days.”
You just smiled at him like you were head over heels, feeling like you could say 'I love you' right then and there.
But you didn't. Unfortunately, you were too afraid to do it that time.
March 29th, 2011
“Aren't you planning to eat?” Your sister asked you for the third time, taking a big sip of her coffee and looking at the croissant you still had untouched on your plate.
You shifted uncomfortably in your seat and tried to cross your arms, but the wounds in your stomach still caused discomfort and you had to stifle a groan with a poor excuse. “I'm not hungry.”
Emily didn't say anything at first, just watched you, made you feel like just another criminal she was carefully profiling.
The two of you had been enjoying breakfast together at the table for several minutes without engaging in conversation. The dining room was peaceful, with only the sound of the clock on the wall to gently remind you that time was passing, whether you wanted it to or not.
And you really hoped the time would pass quickly so you could go home soon. But not fast enough for the people you loved to put you in the memory box that never opens.
“Can we have a normal conversation?” She asked, trying to break the awkward silence.
“I'm listening.” You finally make eye contact and stop looking out the window at the Eiffel Tower to look at her.
Then she gave that stern mother look, and you knew you were in trouble. “You have to eat. If you want, we can order something else.”
You didn't say anything, just looked at her tired face and sighed a little, feeling a twinge of guilt for not accepting her attempts to make the atmosphere more pleasant. You didn't know how to tell her that your frustration and pain went far beyond the physical, that it was something you felt in your heart and that no special food or doctor could fix. Everything was already taking its toll on you.
“I know this is tough, but please don't make it worse. I'm here for you.” She put her hand over yours and gave you a little squeeze, trying to show support. “We're in this together. You have me to lean on.”
You couldn't help but frown. Now she seemed so open with you, it was surprising to think of all the secrets she had kept from you before. There was literally a part of her life you didn't know about. She hid from you for years that she was on a covert mission, that she was babysitting someone else's child from afar, and that a terrorist was one of the ghosts that kept her on the defensive from everyone, including you. And none of that was the worst of it, because that place was occupied, because she didn't even seem to care how that affected you.
You had always been too much for everyone but Emily. She had always known how to carry your weight as if it were no obligation.
At least, that's the way it used to be.
“I know you miss Spencer. I do, too. But I promise you, he's fine.” She interrupted you when she noticed that your voice trailed off and your eyes glazed over, as if you were about to burst into tears just hearing his name. “He's safe.”
Mentioning him so suddenly was like walking through a minefield and hoping a bomb wouldn't go off.
“He thinks we're dead.” You said, feeling a chill run down your spine.
“And we both know why that is.”
“Yeah, but if...” You tried to start talking, but she quickly cut you off.
“Please don't start.” She abruptly put the cup she was holding in one hand down on the table and turned the other away from you. “We've been through this many times.”
Tick.
“But it's not fair.” You got up from your seat suddenly, feeling a couple of tears running down your cheeks and worry welling up in Emily. “It's going to be a month of this already.”
“We're not going back now. It's still dangerous for everyone.” She stood up behind you, trying to talk some sense into you. “We'll come back when it's time.”
Tock.
“And when will it be time? How much longer? You told me it would be a short time and now...” Your daily round of questions since you two had arrived there had begun once again.
“Please stop acting like a little girl.” Emily spoke up before she could think through her words.
Boom.
Oh, that was something your mother would say, not your sister. She would never judge you for being afraid and sentimental.
“Am I a little girl for wanting to know when we will have our lives back?” You asked after a few seconds to process her words. “I'm sorry, I don't have your mental strength to take it. I don't have a JJ to talk to and play online games with every time I drown in here. I don't have anyone but you, and I feel like you don't even trust me.”
The words had come out of your mouth without much thought, and you realized that they might have caused some distress when you saw her expression.
“I trust you, you're my little sister.” She came up to you slowly, trying to show you that what you said wasn't true. “I've known you since you were born. There's no one I trust and care about more.”
“And where was that confidence when you needed help?” The question came out of you automatically before you went to your room.
As soon as you laid your face on the pillow, you thought about how much you needed the people who were away at that moment, especially the one who was your voice of reason. You felt a certain longing for their presence.
September 21st, 2011
Spencer was frozen in place because you weren't there.
There was no trace of your presence in the room, and his heart threatened to burst with pain. His eyes were tired of desperately searching for you, and his mouth was tired of holding back questions about your whereabouts because the answer frightened him.
“I'm really sorry, but I've wanted to tell everyone the truth for a long time.” Emily said after several unexpected hugs and reunions. It was only then that her gaze fell on him. “Reid.”
“She is...?” His voice was cut off before he could finish his sentence. The mere possibility that his mind had been playing tricks on him all this time tore him apart.
“Alive.”
In that moment, all other concerns in his life receded into the background, including the intense discomfort in his hand. His world had once again come crashing down, and the pain he was experiencing seemed to lose its meaning in the midst of it all.
His heart seemed to start beating again after seven months of complete inactivity just by hearing that word. The few tears he had left moistened his eyes, momentarily blurring his vision and preventing him from seeing how everyone around him looked at him. Just one word kept going through his mind.
Alive. Alive. Alive.
You have been alive all this time.
“Where is she?” He asked instantly, anxious. He took another quick look around the room, but you weren't there. “Why isn't she here?”
Just from the apologetic look Emily gave him before she spoke, he knew something was wrong. “I haven't heard from her in almost two months.”
The sentence lingered in the air for a few seconds before it was processed. It was difficult to imagine that you would stay away from your sister for so long. That didn't seem like you.
“Why?” Penelope was so intrigued that she couldn't help but ask the question before anyone else in the room had a chance to. “Is she okay?”
The woman was clearly uneasy under the intense scrutiny of her colleagues, who kept glancing at her as if she were a ghost. “We had a disagreement, and she left. All I know is that she's here somewhere in the city trying to protect all of you.”
As it turned out, Spencer wasn't crazy. He really did see you on the street. It really was you all this time.
“I know this is a bad time, but I was hoping you could help me find her because I really don't know...” Emily tried to speak again, her voice cracking.
At that moment, JJ gently put a hand on her shoulder and approached the group, having spent several minutes in contemplative silence. “We've located her.” She noted respectfully, giving Reid a look that conveyed guilt and regret for what was happening. “And she is here.”
All eyes were riveted to the door of the room at that moment, waiting for you to be there to resolve some doubts and heal other pains. The hearts seemed to explode with the expectation of a new confrontation, of you being part of the miracle.
Because it was a miracle that you and Emily were alive, right?
“Hello.” Your voice echoed in the room and made everything fade away.
The mere sound of your voice, after months of hearing it only through old videos and voice memos, had Spencer leaning on the table with one hand and the other on his heart, trying to keep it from falling out of his chest.
God, you were there. Really there.
It was you again. Unmistakably you.
April 10th, 2011
“Hello?”
The telephone, which had been in your possession, suddenly became detached from your grasp and hung precariously close to the ground. You were overcome with a sudden rush of emotion, your body trembled, your breathing ceased, and your eyes brimmed with tears as you heard your boyfriend's voice.
“Hello? Who is this?” You listened as Spencer repeated when you had the strength to pick up the phone again and put it to your ear. “Hello?”
It's me, I love you, I'm sorry.
That's all you had to tell him, because it was the truth, even though he might not like it and it might ruin his day to find out about your charade. He had a right to know. Especially since he was the best thing in your life and you were the worst thing, causing him so much pain. You shouldn't have to be a psychic to know that he was suffering.
All those candid conversations you had with him about the challenges of losing loved ones were truly impactful. In a way, you were now one of the people he'd lost.
“What are you doing? Who are you talking to?” Emily's voice startled you, so you quickly hung up the phone, trying not to look suspicious. But she knew you too well to deceive her. “Please tell me you didn't do what I think you did.”
You didn't say a word, and that was enough.
“Please.”
“I was just thinking about what if. I didn't do anything, I didn't call anyone.” You raised your hands in innocence and walked away from the phone calmly because you knew you had already hung up. “I'm not a fool.”
That's nonsense. You were a fool for love and always have been.
Perhaps you loved too much, or perhaps you didn't love at all and just enjoyed the feeling of being loved. Your negative thoughts were causing you to doubt the reality of your experiences with Spencer. He seemed too good to be true, and you sought reassurance in his voice to confirm that you weren't losing touch with reality. The idea of trying to explain this to your sister made you feel self-conscious and a bit foolish.
“Okay.” She said in a calm tone, even though he didn't believe a word of it. She took you by the arm gently and spoke again. “I've found a store you'll like.”
You simply nodded and followed her because you felt it was important to avoid making it all about you.
September 21st, 2011
The person you had been waiting months to see had left the room upon seeing you, as if you were some kind of plague threatening to kill him. You felt a sense of loss, as if your heart had died in that instant, while you received the deep embrace of your older sister and the occasional dismayed look from the people who used to know you.
“You should go talk to him.” Emily said, her voice conveying concern and empathy, which caught you off guard. Her hand was still on your lower back, and it felt comforting.
You were at a loss for words, so you simply nodded and left the room to find him.
It was quite remarkable how you were able to locate his troubled figure so quickly after stepping out into the hallway. It seemed as if your intuition had guided you directly to where he was. You felt a pang of guilt as you noticed Spencer standing in front of the large wall with pictures of those killed in action, looking specifically at the lower portion where your picture was next to Emily's. It seemed somewhat incongruous that you were there, given that you no longer officially worked for the FBI and your death hadn't been in the field. However, you assumed someone had pulled strings to put you next to your sister.
“Spencer.” His name came out of your mouth slowly and painfully after you had avoided saying it for seven months. Your arms wrapped around him before you had a chance to think about what you were doing. You just wanted to feel him close and be reassured that he was real. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.”
He remained silent and still, seemingly unaware of your presence, as you clung to his body like a life preserver in the midst of a storm.
God, you needed him so much.
Just when you thought maybe he hadn't heard you because he hadn't even flinched at your voice, he turned away from you and spoke. “I've been looking at these pictures every day for seven months now, every time I pass by or get a chance to come by. I'm trying to convince myself that you were dead, really dead, and that I'm not freaking out already.” His tone was as cold and sharp as a knife edge. “And now you're here.”
As soon as you became aware of the absence of its presence, you felt a bit disoriented. You took a few seconds to regain your composure before you looked at your picture with a hint of disappointment and considered removing it from the wall, but you realized it was firmly attached and it might not be the most constructive approach. Removing it wouldn't address the underlying issue.
“I'm sorry, it wasn't my...just try to understand me.” You could only stammer at that moment, unable to excuse yourself.
“I can't do it. I understand Emily's motives a little better. She wanted to protect you, us, and herself. But you...” He paused, as if the words weighed so heavily that he needed to take a breath before saying them. “You knew when I was afraid of going really crazy, and yet you let me think I was losing my mind.”
His words had a profound impact, evoking a growing sense of emotional distress. You felt a deep sense of regret for causing pain to someone who had done nothing to deserve it.
“I know I hurt you, but I didn't mean to. I swear.” You spoke to him with a trembling voice, trying to control your need to walk up to him and take his hand in the same loving way as before. “I know you suffered, I did too, and I thought of you every day I was gone.”
He let out a short, frustrated sound and paced the room a few times before meeting your eyes again. You didn't need to take into account what the FBI had taught you about human behavior, because he went way beyond that and none of it was likely to help you now. You had gotten to know Spencer very well and had never seen him as upset as he was now. No manual could help you know what to do.
“I bet you thought about me and felt bad, right? But you know what the difference between us is?” His tone was harsh, but his gaze seemed so fragile it hurt you. “You woke up every day to an empty bed, and I woke up next to a grave. It could never be the same.”
Your lips were sealed because you knew he was absolutely right and nothing you could say would change that.
“Please, Spencer, wait.” You followed him down the hallway before he could leave and saw him stop to look at you doubtfully. You never before imagined that the one who used to watch you with such expectation and love was going to watch you as if you were a phony. “I love you.”
He frowned and lifted his shoulders. “It's too late for that.”
It is possible that it was.
Tag List ♥︎ : @rosieinvienna @florencespirit @jiuseoks @rinsie @guiltyyassin
If you'd like to be included in the tag list, please leave a comment here or in one of the other parts of the series, and I'll add you. It's the same if you want to be removed, just let me know.
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Why Writing Is So Lonely | Rin T.
Hello writers, and anyone else who uses Tumblr on a daily basis like me. (Although I’ve been inactive off and on.) It’s me, Rin, and I wanted to talk about something that I think a lot of us struggle with. Or at least anyone, and everyone who considers themselves writers.
The loneliness that can come with the writing life and being a writer. We spend so much of our time alone. It doesn’t matter if you're using your laptop or scribbling in notebooks. Or pacing around in your living room and muttering dialogue to yourself (which I'm completely guilty of.)
Writing is really a solitary passion, and it hasn't just recently been like that. I'm sure Jane Austen and Edgar Allen Poe dealt with similar feelings. And sometimes that isolation can take a real toll that many of us choose to ignore, both on our creativity, our passion, which I assume is writing in this case, and our mental health.
I’ve been writing for about 4 years now, mostly working on my own little passion projects that I plan on publishing and side hustles, not only for my writing project but also my blog (TheWrite AdviceForWriters). I’m currently knee-deep in 4 different novel drafts that I’m absolutely in love with. However, let me tell you. It can get Very lonely a lot of times. There are days when I feel like I’m the only person in the world who cares about these made-up characters and their fictional problems. The characters I create in my mind are so vivid that they seem like the only individuals who actually care about my passion. (They technically are, considering they are basically my passion.)
It’s so easy to start wondering whether anyone will ever want to read the stories I'm pouring my heart into. The self-doubt I get has been a big part of my writing journey, and sometimes it breaks my heart knowing that I may not please everyone who reads my stories. That I possibly could get the worst reviews out there on my book. If it's not perfect for society. For example, I have been reading and receiving news on Alex Aster and the amount of bad reviews she received for her LightLark novel, and she has had a few times where she’s stated she poured her heart into it. And it's not just Aster who deals with these as a published author; there are many others, and it sometimes scares me.
But you know what? I've come to realize that this loneliness is just part of the writer’s journey. And that it truly is going to be the process of every writer’s journey and career. It’s going to be one of the prominent challenges we have to face if we want to do this crazy, wonderful, painful thing we call writing. And I think it's important we talk about it, especially since I'm a blogger who owns a blog specifically for writers. The biggest reason I chose to create this blog was for this reason and the many other challenges of being a writer.
I definitely will consider this blog post to be a discussion, and if anyone wants to reblog or reply to this blog post and start a conversation, please do so, just so we can support each other and figure out healthy ways to cope.
So, why is writing such a lonely pursit? Well, there are quite a few reasons, especially reasons for each individual writer; however, here are a few key reasons:
The Act Itself is Solitary.
At the end of the day, writing is something we have to do on our own. Sure, we can brainstorm with other writers and friends who write or get feedback from beta readers. Or even develop and edit your manuscript with a professional book editor. But the actual act of putting words on the page is a solo endeavor. We’re the ones doing the typing, the (physical) writing, and the constant racking of our brains to find the perfect word or phrase to put down on paper or the blank page on a screen.
Even when we’re writing collaboratively, there’s still a certain level of isolation involved. I mean, after all, our individual writing process and creative visions have to align for the collaboration to work.
And let’s be real—aligning those things isn't always easy.
I’ve reached out to book editors, more so of developmental editors, which is an editor who guides the writer/author on the actual plot and outline of the novel itself. And they have mentioned the difficulties of needing to align with the creativity of the topic or novel. It isn't easy at all.
I know that for me, my most productive writing sessions happen when I'm alone. And I know for a fact I'm not alone on that.
Having no distractions when it's just me, my thoughts, and the blinking cursor on the screen with a Spotify playlist playing in the background. And while that can be deeply fulfilling and very productive, I will admit it can be incredibly lonely.
It's an Emotionally Draining Process.
Writing isn't just about stringing words together. It's about pouring our hearts and souls onto the page. Were digging into our deepest emotions, our biggest fear, our wildest dreams, our thoughts, our philosophy, I can go on. And that kind of vulnerability can be utterly exhausting.
When I'm in the process of drafting a new novel or the many current projects I'm working on. I often find myself emotionally drained at the end of the day. I've been living and breathing these characters, feeling their joys and pains as my own. describing the actions, words, and emotions these characters do and feel. And then after that, I have to close my laptop, put my pen and notebook away, and try to reenter the “real world"—a world that doesn’t always understand the weight I've been carrying.
It can be so isolating, feeling like the only person who understands the emotional journey of your writing. Knowing what it feels like to create characters and their stories and emotions and personalities just as if they were real humans. Our non-writer friends and family members try their best to be supportive, but unless they experience it firsthand, they cannot fully grasp the depth of what we go through. I can tell when I explain my projects to others who aren't writers, it can sometimes feel like they don't care about what I'm saying to them. Or it can also feel like, my stories are just a synopsis for an underrated movie no one’s ever watched.
It's a Profession of Rejection
I think we all know, writing is a tough gig. It's a tough career and job. Even the most successful authors have had to face their fair share of rejection. The rejections can be received from agents, publishers, readers, or critics. (like I mentioned earlier), and that constant stream of “no’s” can really chip away at our confidence and sense of self-worth. And especially if you're an aspiring author and have not yet published your work. Knowing that rejection is a big part of the career of writing is frightening. Really.
I remember when one of my best friends, who is a writer, who is currently in the process of publishing her book, would send query after query only to receive endless rejections. She told me it felt like the entire world was telling her, “Your writing isn't good enough,” and that can be a pretty lonely and demoralizing place to be. It has made me anxious about getting to the querying phase, as I still haven't begun to query yet.
Even when we start to find some success, the fear of rejection never really goes away. Will readers love our next book as much as the last one? Will readers even like my debut novel? Will the critics tear it apart? I know when I first started writing my first novel project. I rewrote the first chapter. 13 times!! And that’s because of all the questions and doubts I had in mind. It’s enough to make any writer want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
And the thing is, as writers, we often don't have the same support system that people in other professions might have. We don't have coworkers to commiserate with or a boss to reassure us; it’s just us. Our doubts and the eerie silence of an empty inbox. For example, Ana Neu, one of my all-time favorite Author-Tuber's, has dealt with similar struggles. She’s mentioned several times how lonely she feels and how her family doesn't fully understand her love and passion for writing. And I completely agree with her. If you want to listen to more of her, please listen to her podcast and watch her videos on YouTube here.
So, now that I went over the key reasons as to why writing is so lonely, I didn't want to end this post on negativity, that’s why I wanted to list the main strategies that have helped me:
Build a Writer’s Community
One of the best ways to combat the isolation of writing is to surround yourself with other writers. That’s why I found social media to be a gift, not just for the other obvious reasons, but because we get to find writers around the world who enjoy the same things we like. Having that sense of community can be a game changer.
When I first started my Tumblr blog, TheWriteAdviceForwers, I was really hoping to create that kind of supportive space for writers. I wanted to create a space where anyone who enjoys writing—not just fiction writers, but anyone who finds writing to be a passion of theirs—can share their dreams and struggles with. It's been amazing to connect with so many incredible people who just “get” the unique challenges we face. Being able to share our achievements and share our compassions. It's been vital for my own mental health as a writer, and I hope that it can also be vital for all of you.
And of course, the community is not about venting or seeking validation from others; its about providing feedback, encouragement, and just being able to make friends. Having that makes the lonely parts of the writing process and journey feel a little less lonely.
Prioritize Self-care
It's so easy to get caught up in the work and neglect our well-being. There have been multiple times where I wouldn't take a break from my writing sessions and simply not eat and drink. I wouldn't give myself time to process everything I wrote, and I immediately after would criticize it.
However, I find that self-care is the most important part of combating the isolation that comes with being a writer. For me, that looks like making sure I get enough sleep. You can't process, learn, and remember anything when you don't have enough sleep. During my personal self-care, when I do 45-to 1-hour writing sessions, I usually take a short nap after. Eating nourishing meals and snacks is important, as is making time for the hobbies and activities that bring me joy. I usually like reading books, spending quality time with my family members, and very feisty (and sometimes scary) cat.
3. Cultivate Gratitude
When loneliness starts to creep in, it can be really helpful to shift our mindset and focus on what we are grateful for; this can be really productive and rewarding. Being a writer is a gift; we get to spend our days doing what we love, bringing our creative visions to life and sharing them with people who love literature. Readers are such a big part of being a writer, and they're huge motivations to me.
So, if you can, just take a moment to appreciate the joys of writing. For example, if you have any writing quirks, I personally have to wear bracelets on both of my wrists in order to produce some type of creativity when I write. I'm not sure why it's just something I noticed. I also really love writing my manuscripts physically. I tend to do this when I'm suffering from writer's block, and for some reason my writing style is a lot better.
And don't forget the many other joys of writing, like drafting, and the excitement of sharing your work with others. Having a new idea come to mind that fits perfectly in your plot. Or even a reader or beta reader sharing a comment on your work and giving you encouragement.
Also, please celebrate your wins; it makes writing all too fun, and it's a great way to integrate writing into the real world.
End Note
I wanted to write this post because I know a lot of us deal with feeling lonely; I’ve been feeling that way for quite some time, and I wanted to share it with Tumblr. I feel like each and every one of you all feel the same way. And that’s why I created my Tumblr community; that's the reason I created this blog, and that's the reason I strive to build this into an entire brand.
I want to bring more awareness to writers, we are the people behind the stories, movies, and media that we consume today, and we barely get any credit for our work. I want to make a brand where others who never thought writing to be their passion could actually for once consider “Is writing for me?”
I feel like it's such an underrated yet overrated passion. Yet it's not acknowledged as much.
I hope this post can make you understand that writing is 90% lonely and you are not crazy for thinking so. But, we can use the resources we have today, like social media, to change that and make writing better for the present and the future.
Thank you all for reading. And please, if you are considering joining a community if you haven't already, please join The Write Right Society. We recently met 100 members, and the community is continuing to grow.
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can i just say that Elizabeth and Darcy from Pride and Prejudice are the old school version of Stiles and Derek?
Cause i will shout this from my balcony till it breaks beneath me!
Stiles (Elizabeth or if you want, 'lizzy') not giving a flying f about Derek (Darcy) cause this rich dude has no care for others and just runs on raw pride, which lead all his decisions. Which ultimately makes him look like the worst man on earth to Stiles' eyes, which is why he stays away from Derek.
But then, solitary man Derek will start to fall in love with this intelligent and fine creature (stiles) because he couldn't be more difficult to get!
Stiles doesn't care about society, stiles is sharp and of an intellectual awareness that defy every man in search of the tipycal silly type to ask for marriage, and Derek cannot stress himself enough about this sweet, pretty thing dancing around at balls and answering rudeness with politeness mixed with the most sublime undertone of confidence and assertiveness.
cause stiles doesn't care about money or status, stiles cares about marrying someone he truly loves and when he realized derek did love him, he felt sooooo ashamed of how judgemental he had been of this poor man who just wanted his hand! because derek loved him enough to forgive stiles for his harsh words towards him (cause stiles thought of him as a bad individual and spoke of it to him) from the past and was then a more genuine version of himself.
And as Derek and Stiles tangle their lives together because of friends and family, they end up as the most tight knot that will not be undone! especially after derek hear about stiles' high chin and firm words of 'i may not be engaged to him now, but fear i may will' that he spoke to Derek's aunt when she went to stiles to disagree of their possibile engagement
and what did stiles do?
respond to the rudeness of this lady with the sharpest and most confidence tone of 'we will choose for ourselves' which, when derek heard about this, made him go so out of his path to get stiles.
because they didn't know each other, then they did, and they fell in love. and they weren't going to NOT act on it.
(summary: enemies to lovers. which is now my new obsession- yes, i never invested into enemies to lovers, but now i might do some digging)
I'm gonna write a retelling of this so bad.
imagine.
this kind of pretty stiles (with a sharp tongue and pretty look that defy how his mind actually thinks and hides how much 'intellectual power' he has since, for the time the story it's set in, lizzy is an unusual brave woman who would rather marry the poor guy, love of her life over the rich, cold man with money)
pretty because lizzy is viewed as a very pretty women who is recognized as such in society (which dancy then calls 'the most beautiful women I've even seen in my entire life' after someone says she's not even that pretty)
who's personality can go from this ⬇️
yk, funny, outgoing, polite (sort of) and overall a wonderful presence to have conversations with and engage in sharing opinions and dance with during balls (in which her figure is gracefully dancing and all the other stuff i dont remember)
to this ⬇️
a wonderful undertone of 'f you with respect' and 'who do you think you are', who will also be able to undo you in 30 seconds in a verbal battle cause he has the intelligence and intellectual knowledge to do so and WILL do so without much regards for consequences cause he'll do so in a way that will makes it unable for you to bite back cause you'll end up the one being labeled as rude.
pared with
this angry looking fool, who looks more arrogant than anything most of the day, to most people (and even those who knows him talk very little of his doings, because he hides his true emotions and intentions. and despite pride being his fuel, he's still a caring man who is not talk about much if not for his money = they talk about his fortune and not the values he has, despite the sort of 'contorted' way in which everything is based on pride)
(which could also be older, but who know what I'll end up choosing when i write this - because yes, i love older men ⬇️)
who, ultimately, will look at stiles like this⬇️
because 'damn, you are the only person i want by my side for the rest of my life' and he wont be able to move his gaze elsewhere cause despite being an a-hole to stiles for the major part of theirshared time, he was still able to redeem himself by showing his kindness and actually gets stiles.
while stiles is like
because after pulling up the bad facade of 'i dont give a f about you cause i think you are rude', he felt ashamed when he found he was wrong about him but then darcy (derek) forgives him and he can't hold his feelings anymore and just shows everything through his eyes and the soft laughter he lets out when they talk cause he has still to process how much these two are gonna love each other (this, before they are engaged)
so.
I'll buy the book (cause i read a school fitted version of it), annotate things, write down some coherent line of plot and one day, I'll write everything down.
till then, I'll scream about this from my balcony, thanks for have come to this sort of tedtalk.
and this is for you, my sweet @dontcallpanic, i hope you'll like my little gift as I'm still working, rather slowly, on my replies for you 🩵🫂
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For 10 years, my fic with by far the most hits on AO3 was "Five Times Oliver Held Felicity (And The One Time She Held Him)."
And I'm proud of it, don't get me wrong. I think it actually contains some of my better writing. 🤷♀️ But it ended up being a one-off sort of thing: I thought I'd write more Olicity or Arrow in general and then just... didn't.
However, it was so far ahead of all of my other fics in hits, I figured nothing would ever challenge it for the top spot. I hadn't checked my stats in quite a while and so I was surprised to discover that the "Five Times" Olicity fic was now in second place.
I've written 114 fics in the Flash fandom and none of them have remained in my top 5, that was another surprise! But 3 of my 11 Halo fics now are: "15 Minutes," (John/female reader) "Side Effects" (John/Cortana, John/Kai, very NSFW) and "Recreation" (Kai/male reader, same world as "15 Minutes").
Now, why is any of that important? It's for the sheer fact that I don't write sci-fi military fiction well AT ALL. My interest has always been in the more domestic and romantic themes, for lack of a better thing to call it. "You write the moments between the adventures" was what somebody told me about my Doctor Who fics ("Balancing Act," which is third place on that list, is a multi-chaptered Ten/Donna NSFW romantic fix-it fic where every chapter clearly takes place after some sort of new adventure that I don't show you but instead reference 😉). I agree with that assessment, that IS basically what I write.
A little while ago, I read somebody criticizing a particular type of Halo fanfiction. They didn't name mine by name but basically said it wasn't written "properly" like it's "supposed" to be and was everything that's "wrong" with uninformed people writing things they shouldn't be.
Here's the kicker: I think they're wrong. If they would've pointed at somebody else's fic and said that same thing, I would've wanted to jump in and tell them to get over themselves. People are allowed to enjoy whatever they want to enjoy! If somebody wrote a story that's "wrong" in your opinion, then all you have to do is scroll on by.
Heck, if somebody wants to write about Master Chief riding into battle on a T-rex while waving a glowing, magic sword given to him personally by Gandalf the Grey... Well, dang it, I'd read it, lol! Yeah, that wouldn't take place in canon but what is fanfic even for if not to allow all sorts of exploration? What if Halo had dinosaurs and magic swords? What if Chief and Silver Team or Blue Team or a brand new team of OC Spartans desperately needed to go buy new curtains for their apartments after they'd hung out for a while at the most happening coffee shop on Reach where Thel 'Vadam was the barista who made amazing specialty drinks while also heading up the local garage band?
(Yeah, I made that manip for something else but might as well get more use out of it, right? 😂)
Anyway, you get my drift. If one of my fellow Halo writers would've gotten criticism like that, I would've challenged it. But it was too close to my own work and instead, I absorbed it. I feel like I shouldn't be writing for Halo, I'm too wrong, I'm too off. I mean, no wonder I'm struggling to finish my WIPs, right? That's the first thing that pops to mind when I try to write anything: Yeah, but you're doing this all wrong. You should be ashamed of what you're writing. You're insulting the real fans of Halo by trivializing the characters like this. You're disrespecting actual military people living today by getting too much of this wrong.
And so seeing those stats at AO3 really meant something to me. I know I don't write authentic action-orientated sci-fi military fiction. I know that. But I love the characters and I love seeing them in situations they wouldn't be in in canon and I can't even tell you why. But people have been reading my fics? At least, I hope the hits aren't coming from people passing the links around with a big ol' ZOMG, please don't ever write Halo like THIS IDIOT, okay??? attached to them. 🤞😣🤞😉
This sounds pretty silly seeing it written down like this. I know, it's like, Get over yourself, Ais, not everything is about you! But I've been really struggling to get to the root of my writer's block so I could figure out what's keeping me from finishing my WIPs. And seeing those stats tonight and realizing how many more times my Halo fics seem to have been read over my other fandoms...?
Well, that might only mean that Halo is just the more popular fandom right now and it's nothing more than that. But it's nice to think that, even though there are people out there who think somebody unqualified like me shouldn't be posting their ridiculous little stories, maybe there are other people who've enjoyed them, even as unauthentic as they are?
I dunno. Food for thought.
I'm hoping this will inspire me to at least finish up the next chapter for "15 Minutes." 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
Thanks for reading. *hugs* to you if you've ever or are currently struggling with anything like this. Tell your stories, they're worth it. I believe in you. 🤗🤗🤗
I just need to try harder to believe in myself, hm? 🤔
PS - I've gotten SO MANY wonderful comments on my Halo fics, so why is it that the hate that might not even have been meant for me is so much louder in my head and crowds the nice comments out? I hate that, I truly do. 😖
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