#since summer started I’ve genuinely regressed

[sanzoumon]

55 RICKORTY PROMPTS PT 2!

Back at it with the good shit, people. This time with more smut and dark shit, babes. Warnings are placed at the beginning of each prompt, so read at your own risk. There’s still some Gen stuff in here too and prompts that could be whichever you want.

55 Prompts, y’all. I think I’ve finally exhausted my imagination... for now at least! Anyway some of these are specific but feel free to play around with the concepts. Like last time these are all bottom!Morty.

Also there’s that good angst shit I know you all can’t get enough of. Enjoy!

Rick being casual with affection results in him giving Morty a full body massage. And Rick is very skilled with his hands.

Morty’s being a little horn dog while Rick is working on something important. Rick casually fingers him while he continues focusing on work, driving Morty crazy with pleasure. Basically, Rick barely pays any attention to Morty while doing this.

Lighthearted, fun sex. Laughing, cracking dumb jokes, loving every dumb little thing about each other. The works.

Morty loves being picked up and held / carried by Rick. There’s no place safer than being in Rick’s arms.

Rick constantly struggles with his genuine romantic and sexual feelings for Morty because no matter how you slice it, he’s still a creep preying on a 14 year old boy.

Familial Love. Morty finds a hidden stash of Mindblowers belonging to Beth, Jerry, Summer, and himself, all many years old. He watches them and learns that Rick’s been looking after Morty his whole life.

Non-con. Rick and Morty get captured by aliens and they take a bit too much of an interest in Morty. When all else fails, Rick gets them to stop by yelling “take me instead”, bringing up how it’s far more impressive to assault him than Morty. It works, but Morty is forced to watch. To add insult to injury Morty can’t stop crying and Rick keeps reassuring him that he’s fine, he can take it, etc.

Non-con. Rick is forced to watch while Morty is raped because their captors want to hit Rick where it really hurts.

Mental Age Regression. Morty suffers a head injury thanks to a mistake Rick made and wakes up thinking he’s only 4 years old. It falls to Rick to take care of Morty and find a way to help him. Rick hasn’t been so physically and emotionally exhausted since Beth was born.

A Rick from the Citadel frequents The Creepy Morty.

Pet Play. Morty loves being Rick’s faithful little pet.

Consensual Mind Control. Morty has a mind control kink and Rick can easily get into that.

Non-con. Morty’s were just disposable playthings for Rick’s. They use and abuse them so much that it actually hurts more when you end up with a Rick who is kinder and treats you like a person. It hurts because either the Rick will start hurting you eventually or you’ll end up with a cruel Rick after him.

Non-con. A long time ago Rick was raped by space pirates. He and Morty run into those pirates again and it’s the first time Morty sees Rick utterly terrified of anyone. The pirates decide to have fun with them both, forcing them to have sex with each other, all while taunting Rick by telling Morty exactly what they did to Rick years ago. Afterward, Rick is holding Morty, apologizing, saying it was all his fault, etc. [[ Check Notes for a link to the comic that this prompt is based on!! ]]

Rick throws his back out on an adventure and Morty gives him a massage to ease the pain.

Rick is a gross old man and Morty finds that hot. Every time Rick burps, vomits, forgets to bathe, or brush his teeth, drools, etc, Morty gets so turned on.

Morty suffers subdrop after a session with Rick. Aftercare.

Life in Mortyberg. Floating through space in what remains of the Citadel. Rick and Morty fall into a fairly domestic routine of working during the day and spending time together at night. As much as they miss the rest of their family and want to go home, in many ways both have never been happier.

On the Citadel. Cop Rick finds that domestic disturbance calls are all too common on the Citadel. Rick’s abuse Morty’s at an alarming rate. While ever since President Morty was elected and he implemented harsher punishments for abusing Morty’s, many Rick’s still believe they can get away with it.

Soulmate AU / Red String of Fate. Soulmates are connected by a red string that only they can see, inevitably drawing people to their soulmates. For some people it’s always been there. For Rick, he had to wait most of his life before it showed up. Morty has always been able to see his and it always was strung up into space. Rick resisted the tug for 14 years but finally gave in. He was shocked when the string took him to where his daughter lived.

Soulmate AU. In which your soulmate isn’t just someone predestined to be with you. Soulmates happen when two highly compatible people develop a bond. It happens when you’d rather die than be apart from from someone. There’s a choice to being soulmates, albeit an often subconscious choice. When Rick finally sees Morty as an equal, a partner, the bond they’ve forged over the years hits them like an electric shock. They both can’t stand to be apart from each other ever again.

Omegaverse AU. Growing up, Beth and Summer were Morty’s Family Alpha’s. Family Alpha’s protect and care for their Family Omega’s until a suitable mate claims them. When Rick shows up he notices that Beth and Summer gradually back off of caring for him and just hand him over to Rick. He doesn’t get it because another Family Alpha shouldn’t trigger this response from his family. All three Alpha’s should still feel protective of him and want to care for him, yet they don’t. Summer explains to him it’s because Rick has all but claimed Morty as his Omega and their Alpha instincts are screaming at them to not encroach on another Alpha’s Omega. Morty is pretty dumbfounded by this and goes to Rick for answers. What does he find out?

Omegaverse AU. Non-con. An Alpha rapes Morty, and claims him in the process, and Rick goes absolutely feral killing him. No fancy tech or anything, just a no holds barred bloody beatdown. Afterward Rick is in a frenzied state and takes Morty for himself, claiming him for himself to get rid of the other Alpha’s scent and claim on Morty. In spite of the situation Morty finds comfort in belonging to his grandfather.

Omegaverse AU. MPreg. It happened while they were trapped and Morty went into heat. They decided not to talk about it ever again. Then Morty starts feeling sick, gaining weight. Summer, the youngest Alpha in the house, picks up on it first and tells him. Soon everyone finds out. Morty gets ostracized by others and Rick stays distant. Morty has enough and finally goes to Rick, begging for help, saying Rick is the Alpha he needs right now and that he can’t raise the kid alone. Rick agrees. And so begins their journey into raising their son together and falling in love with each other.

Omegaverse AU. MPreg. Dub-con. An Alpha gets Morty pregnant and Morty can’t deal with it. This Alpha wants nothing to do with Morty, calls him a slut, denies the kid, etc. On top of all that the whole school and many of the neighbors give him shit for being an unclaimed Omega. He has a total breakdown in front of Rick and begs him, offering Rick anything he wants, if he’ll agree to take care of Morty and his baby because Rick is the only Alpha Morty knows he and his child will be safe with. Rick can’t say no to Morty, but the act of claiming involves mating and biting. For Morty, he’ll do it.

Unrequited Love. Rick has it bad for Morty and accidentally confessed to him one day. Morty is freaked out but once he calms down he tells Rick that he still loves him, as his grandfather, no matter what. He doesn’t think any less of Rick.

Cop Rick x Cop Morty. Morty asks Rick why he chose to become a cop and why he seems to care so much about Morty’s. Turns out Rick lost his original Morty when he was an infant, Rick couldn’t prevent it no matter what but he still blames himself and he wants to help other Morty’s. Morty can’t believe it. This Rick was special and Morty wants to be closer to him. His own Rick was an asshole who screwed him up good and he just wants a Rick who’ll love and care for him. Maybe he finally found the one?

Evil Rick x Evil Morty. Non-con. Animal Cruelty. Rick raped him constantly, killed his father, his mother, and then tortured Summer - Morty’s one confidante - until she begged Morty to put her out of her misery. And so Morty killed her. Once they were gone Rick celebrated with some good ol sexual sadism, right in front of Summer’s body, just to hurt Morty more. The only good thing he let Morty have was Snuffles, his dog. Morty knew it was just have something to hold over him but he loved Snuffles anyway. Then the poor dog tried to protect Morty, biting Rick on the hand. Rick beat him to death for it and Morty finally shattered to pieces. The next night he beat Rick to death. But so long as there were other Rick’s out there, he’d never be free.

Orgasm Denial Masochism. It hurts like hell when Rick doesn’t let him cum, but it feels so good that Morty hopes Rick will never let him orgasm so he can stay it that state of constant pleasure forever, like he’s constantly at the peak of a high. Overstimulated but forced to endure more until his brain is mush and he’d pass out from the pleasure if Rick would allow it.

In a dimension where incest is pretty common, the Smith family is instantly accepting of Rick and Morty’s relationship. Beth even jokes about when they’ll be getting married. Even Jerry is accepting of it, knowing that for all Rick’s faults he does look after Morty.

Worship Kink. Rick is like a really fucked up god and he demands to be worshiped like one. Every god needs a sacrifice now and again and Morty is happy to oblige. In turn, Rick refers to Morty as (or something to the effect of) “his most perfect creation”.

An Artist Rick on the Citadel struggles to find a muse in a place with what amounts to only two subjects. Then he sees a Morty, a run of the mill normal Morty. But there’s something about him, in his eyes, demeanor, something Rick can’t pinpoint but that sets him apart from other Morty’s. Rick has found his muse.

Gen. During the Story Train episode Morty kisses Rick on the lips instead of the forehead. It’s chaste, but ever since then they’ve been doing it casually. Everyone thinks it’s weird but it really is chaste and just a show of affection.

Unrequited Love. Morty confesses that he’s in love with Rick, tired of keeping it secret. Rick doesn’t feel the same way but he’s seen so much shit that this confession barely phases him. Still, he sees how torn up Morty is and how he feels gross for wanting his grandfather sexually, so Rick comforts him and reassures Morty that he’s fine and that in other universes it’s perfectly normal. Rick just sort of holds him while he cries because Rick is being so kind while still rejecting him.

Morty gets really sick, he can barely move. Rick’s long-dormant paternal nurturing instincts kick in and he tends to Morty the entire time he’s sick. Dotes on Morty like he’s the most precious fragile thing in the world. Morty hopes he never gets better.

Rick and Morty get stranded on an ice planet and Morty falls through a thin layer of ice into water. Rick saves him but Morty’s soaking wet and will die if he doesn’t get warmed up soon. Rick finds a cave and warms Morty up in the most effective way there is - body heat. He strips them both down and holds Morty until he warms back up.

Teacher Rick x Morty Student. Hurt/Comfort. One of Rick’s students has a mental breakdown in the middle of class, crying, screaming, yelling that he can’t take it anymore. Rick is able to grab him before he can hurt himself and drags him out into the hall into a janitors closet. Morty thinks he’s going to hurt him but instead Rick just kneels down and hugs him. Tells him everything will be okay. Morty is so starved for affection he kisses Rick and Rick doesn’t have the heart to push him away while he’s in a fragile state. Then Morty starts crying more into Rick’s chest.

Morty confesses to Rick but Rick turns him down, telling Morty he can’t handle being with him. Morty asks how and Rick tells him flat-out that he’s a Dom and a Sadist, he likes to control his partner and inflict pain on them and that he’s not going to subject Morty to that if he can’t handle it. Morty is on the submissive side but isn’t exactly a Masochist. Still, he loves Rick and is certain he can handle it. Morty underestimated the intensity of Rick’s sadism. Nothing he does will cause irreparable damage but it feels like Rick is tearing away at Morty’s psyche. Morty finds it horrible but at the same time oddly freeing how Rick can tear him apart then put him back together again.

Non-con-ish. Rick keeps having dreams and intrusive thoughts of him forcing himself on Morty. He knows rape fantasies are fairly common but it just feels wrong to think of Morty like that. But he can’t stop it, he gets off on it whenever he can. Thinking about how small and pathetic Morty is, how he’d cry, beg him to stop, call him “grandpa”, how he’d eventually submit because he knows how powerless he truly is against Rick. He could have kept it his dirty little fantasy had Morty not walked in on him getting off to it.

Miami Rick x Miami Morty. Other Rick’s and Morty’s consider them freaks. They’re so openly affectionate with each other, so flirty, it’s clear they have a Sugar Daddy / Sugar Baby dynamic. How Rick will let his Morty get away with anything so long as Morty gave him puppy dog eyes and mumbled “please, grandpa” in a sickly sweet cute voice. Morty was pampered by his Rick, spoiled like a cute puppy. Rick didn’t give a shit what other Rick’s thought of them, he loves spoiling his cute little grandson and loves how Morty drapes himself all over Rick in public, not caring who sees or what they think.

Dirty Talk. Humiliation / Degradation. Aftercare. Rick tells Morty what a dirty, pathetic, degenerate little whore Morty is. How sick he is for not only liking grandpas dick but also enjoying how Rick treat him like shit. Rick tells him all sorts of nasty thing he’d like to do to Morty, telling him that being fucked is the only thing he’d ever be good for, etc. Once they’re done, Rick gathers Morty up and tells him he did so good, how much he loves him, etc.

Bondage. Abandonment Play. In the middle of playing, Rick gets some notice on his phone that something he really wants is available but he has to leave now to get it. He leave Morty all tied up, bound and gagged. Morty can’t believe it, it’s almost time for his parents to get home, and Summer could just barge in his room at any time. He hears them arrive home and just knows he’ll be caught like this and be so humiliated. He starts crying, wondering why Rick would abandon him like this. He hears someone come up the stairs, the door opens, it’s Jerry. He looks around the room, calls out for Morty, almost like he can’t see him. Jerry leaves and Rick portals back, telling Morty he wouldn’t leave him hanging like that - he set up a hologram that makes it look like Morty’s room is empty. Morty is so relieved he nearly passes out, but not before Rick finishes their play.

The Smith family finds out about Rick and Morty’s relationship. They decide to run off together, start a new life in space or settle down in a dimension that wouldn’t think twice about their relationship. They have highs and lows together, and spend 20 years together before Rick passes away in his sleep.

Gigalo Rick x Client Morty. Rick wasn’t some run of the mill prostitute, he was classy and had standards, which typically isn’t what other Rick’s look for in his profession. As such most of his clients are Morty’s, sweet innocent little Morty’s more well off than many Morty’s are, they liked to wine and dine Rick before Rick took them home to rock their worlds. Then this new Morty shows up and asks him for something strange: He just wants to be held, have his hair played with, and told that grandpa loves him and that he’s a good boy. Oh sure Rick has done that before but only during sex. The client keeps coming back tho and the most the kid ever wants is to give Rick a peck on the cheek or have Rick kiss him on the cheek. In spite of himself Rick finds he’s developing feelings for the boy and wanting to know more about him.

Rick gets captured and Morty comes to his rescue. Morty busts in, covered in alien blood, shooting up their enemies with ruthless efficiency, and all Rick can do is stare at Morty and say “damn, you’re beautiful”. But he says it outloud and with such awe that Morty isnt quite sure how to process it.

Set during Rickmurai Jack. First Time. Morty’s so desperate to get Rick back that he’ll do anything. Instead of aging himself up, he finds where Rick is living around the time the 2 Crows sneak out. Morty uses the opportunity to get Rick alone, pleading to be taken back. When Rick turns him down again Morty starts stripping, saying he’ll do anything to get Rick back. Before Rick can really process this Morty is kissing him and gently pushing Rick back down on the bed. Rick wants to tell him no but this just feels right, somehow. It feels like everything they’ve been through is finally coming to a head, that this result was inevitable from day one. The sex is passionate, emotional, gentle but without finesse; they cling to each other because they can’t get enough. It was less about pleasure and more physical reassurance, showing how they truly felt. Morty’s crying out how he loves Rick, misses him, wants to belong to Rick and for Rick to belong to him. Rick feels the exact same way. Afterward Rick tells Morty that first thing tomorrow he’ll break it off with 2 Crows.

After learning about Rick’s Beth and Diane, Morty asks Rick if he every really and truly loved anyone after. Rick admits he did fall in love once after Diane. Rick explains that Mr Nimbus was complicated but ultimately more physical, that Unity made him forget because it did anything to please Rick, that Daphne was just an infatuation because he felt alone, and that Birdperson made him feel less lonely and Rick mistook that for love. Rick then says he fell in love, actual all encompassing unconditional love, 14 years ago when he first saw Morty shortly after he was born. He didn’t realize it at first but when he did it scared him, scared him so bad he erased the Smith family’s memories of him being around at that time. So scared he went back to hunting down Rick’s until finally giving up. He admits he came back to be with Morty, because while he used to deny it to protect himself - Morty’s the only one since Diane that Rick has truly loved enough to be selfless for. How does Morty respond?

Targeted Harassment. Social Gaslighting. Word somehow gets out around school, then town, about Rick and Morty’s relationship. They have to deal with the constant harassment and moral crusaders that come with it. The rest of the family fairs no better, getting harassed for supposedly enabling Rick and letting this happen. Morty finally cracks when he sees the word “ped0/ph!le” spray painted on the garage. Everyone keeps telling him Rick is hurting him, that Morty doesn’t know any better, that this is wrong and Rick is abusing him. He doesn’t want to believe it but this is all just too much to deal with. But he still wants Rick.

MPreg. Morty gets infected with an alien parasite thing that acts as an artificial womb. If he doesn’t get knocked up and carries the baby to term then he’s going to die. Surgery isn’t an option. Morty wants the other father to be Rick, because he trusts him. Plus Rick got him into this mess in the first place so he wants him to take responsibility. Nine months later they end up with a son.

Teeth Fetish. Morty really likes Rick’s teeth and how absolutely animalistic he looks when he snarls, showing them off. He notices Rick’s canines are uncommonly sharp. Morty really wants to run his tongue over them and to be at the mercy of those teeth, biting him all over, nipping or biting hard enough to take a chunk out of him. Yeah Rick’s teeth are yellow and disgusting but that’s part of the appeal. BONUS / CRACK VARIATION: Rick’s teeth are just dentures he doesn’t take care of enough but he had some of the teeth sharpened in case he needed to use his teeth in a fight. He lost his real teeth years ago from old age and also getting punched in the face a lot. This fact does not turn off Morty whatsoever.

Body Admiration. Rick knew he was damn stud even in his old age. But Morty calling him handsome and beautiful? Rick hasn’t ever felt so self-conscious before. No he wasn’t those things, he was old, wrinkly, face sagging, body covered in scars, his skin was thin and papery, washed out, veins showing through his thin skin, and if it wasn’t for all the enhancements he’s made he’d be a frail old man. Objectively speaking he was neither handsome nor beautiful but for some reason Morty thinks so and it flusters him to no end.

Rita x Morticia. Rita fucks Morti with a strap-on. That’s it, that’s the whole prompt.

Exhibitionism. Morty’s an exhibitionist little freak so Rick fucks him with his face against a window on an alien planet for everyone to see. They gawk, call him names, shame him, and Morty can’t get enough. Now everyone on this planet knows he’s Rick’s little whore.

Aliens see Morty with Rick and automatically assume he’s Rick’s little boy toy that he takes everywhere to be Rick’s arm candy. Rick doesn’t give a shit until one of them offers Rick money to have an hour alone with Morty. Then things get ugly.

“Nobody touches my grandson!” A fic based around this quote.

[agerefandom]

What Family Is

Fandom: Harry Potter

Characters: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Reader, OCs

Words: 1,700

Summary: Remus and Sirius have settled in a Muggle town with you, their adopted regressor, since age regression is more accepted in Muggle society. Remus meets a new friend while you’re busy on the playground, and eventually you go home for dinner.

Warnings: cglre terminology (Remus is ‘daddy��� and Sirius is ‘papa,’ hopefully not too confusing!), some baby talk from the reader, they/them pronouns used for Reader by someone who doesn’t know them (gender-neutral aside from that).  

(A/N: Sirius has nicknamed the Reader ‘Applebee’ because they kept repeating it for a while! It’s a very minor thing, but I thought it might be odd without an explanation.) 

The playground is always full of noise and laughter on sunny days. Remus is enjoying the sunlight, his eyes closed and his face tilted towards the warm sky, when someone sits beside him on the bench, startling him out of his reverie.

Flinching upright, he blinks at the person now beside him, who looks just as surprised as him. She’s a stranger, a young woman wearing a bright summer dress.

“Sorry to startle you,” she says with genuine apology. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s alright.” Remus runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back and letting it fall into its natural pattern. “I was drifting off a bit.” He turns his attention to the playground, checking that nothing has changed.

“Which one is yours?” the woman asks, following his gaze towards the playground.

“Ah, the one in the yellow overalls,” Remus says, unable to help the fondness in his voice as he points you out. You’re busy under the bridge, making a pile of the dusty pebbles that keep the playground safe for the clumsy children that play here.

“An age regressor?” the woman asks. Remus tenses slightly. The stranger’s voice wasn’t accusatory, but not everyone is friendly towards regressors, even if they’re largely accepted by muggle society these days.

“Yes. My child,” Remus returns.  

“They seem very sweet,” she says, and Remus relaxes slightly at her casual tone. “Did they choose their clothes by themself?”

“Yes.” Remus smiles. You’re dressed in a mish-mash of your favourite clothes: yellow overalls, an orange shirt with the Seasame Street characters printed across it, and star-patterned light up sneakers. “I’m afraid fashion doesn’t run in the family.” Remus gestures to his own clothes, muggle-style but hardly fashion forward: plain grey slacks and a dark long-sleeved shirt.

“I think they look wonderful,” the woman smiles. “Full of life. My son is on the monkey-bars, there.”

She points, and Remus follows her finger to a young boy sitting on top of the bars and stimming happily, hands waving back and forth.

“Very talented!” Remus praises. “I’ve never seen my little one get all the way up there. He must be good at climbing.”

“My little monkey,” says the mother fondly. “I’m Sasha, by the way.”

“Remus.”

The two of them shake hands.

“How long have you lived in this area?” Sasha asks.

“A few months,” Remus says honestly. “My partner and I wanted to settle down close to London, but not in the city proper. We’re still getting used to the town.

“I’ve lived here for all of Jason’s life- that’s my son- and we just love it here. If you wanted some restaurant recommendations, I’d be happy to supply them.”

Remus finds himself enjoying the chatter with the new muggle, Sasha. Both of them keep their eyes on their children as they talk, sharing stories about messy bath-times and their favourite parks in town. By the time the sun is getting low, Remus has given Sasha his number, and she’s invited him and Sirius for dinner at her house.

“I’ll have to check with my partner about his schedule, but we’d love to come,” Remus says. “We don’t have enough friends in the area.”

“I’m always glad to meet more people,” Sasha smiles.

“We should get going, Sirius will be sad if we’re not home in time for dinner,” Remus sighs. He wasn’t usually one for talking with strangers, but he’s been enjoying the discussion about parenting, and you were clearly enjoying your time on the playground while he waited. “I’ll call you about dinner.

“Looking forward to it!” Sasha waves Remus off as he approaches the playground.

--

“Sweetheart!” Daddy calls, catching your attention as you run towards the stairs to the slide. “It’s time to go home.”

“Nooo,” you complain, stopping on the bridge between the ladder and the stairs. “Don’t wanna go home.”

“Papa is making dinner for us,” Daddy says. “Don’t you want to see him?”

“Puppy?” You perk up, glancing around. You miss Papa so much, he usually comes to the park to play!

“He’s at home, sweetheart, waiting with soup.” Daddy walks up to the bridge, smiling. “One more slide, and then home?”

“One more slide,” you agree reluctantly, and finish climbing to the slide platform. Daddy stands at the bottom, arms outstretched, and you giggle as you sit at the top of the slide. He’s going to try and catch you, and you’re probably going to knock him over, but that’ll be his fault.

You push yourself forward and gravity pulls you down, whoosh, right into Daddy’s arms. He swings you around with the momentum and then sets you down on your feet. You forget how strong Daddy is sometimes! He’s so small.

Well, he’s not small. He’s taller than you, but you can wrap your arms all the way around him when you hug him and touch your own elbows, and that’s small. There are lots of ways to be small.

You’re distracted from your thoughts when Daddy takes your hand and starts leading the way home: you follow obediently, blinking back at the darkening playground and the kids who are still playing.

“Can we come back tomorrow, daddy?” you ask.

“If you’d like,” he says. “Maybe Papa will enjoy getting out of the house.”

“Papa!! Puppy?” You love going out with Papa when he’s a dog. Everyone wants to pet him and he plays with you. Daddy always sits by the playground and makes sure you’re safe, but Papa will play! “Tomorrow?”

“You’ll have to ask him if he’s busy.”

“Okay!”

The birds sing in the trees as you walk home. You blink around at the houses, and the other people on the sidewalks. Some people smile at you, and you drop your eyes to the ground as you smile back. People are so nice to you! They give you cookies when you go to the store, and they give you crayons when you go to eat pancakes. Sometimes when your Papa and Daddy are both busy, you have to go to daycare with other kids who are big sometimes, and the caretakers there are nice, but you prefer spending the day with your caregivers.

“Here we are!” Daddy points out your street, which you were about to walk past. That’s why Daddy holds your hand while you’re walking: otherwise, you get lost! You start to speed ahead, pulling Daddy behind you. You know the way from here, and you want to be home, you want to be home now!

Finally, Daddy lets go of your hand and you run up the stairs to the front door, bursting in happily.

“Papaaaa!”

“Applebee!” Papa comes running from the kitchen to give you a proper hug, lifting you off the ground as you laugh. “How was the park?”

“It was awesome! I went down the slide lots and lots!” Daddy comes in the door behind you and starts taking his shoes. You struggle to toe yours off, and Papa gets down to help you with the Velcro strips. Finally, you’re free in your socked feet, and Papa leads the way back to the kitchen as you tell him all about the pebble castle you built under the bridge.

The kitchen is full of good smells, and Papa starts stirring something on the stove.

“Smells great,” Daddy calls from the hallway.

“Thanks, babe! It’s a new experiment,” Papa replies.

“Papa, will you go to the park and play tomorrow??” You hug him from the back, rubbing your face against his sweater. He’s much softer as a dog, but dogs aren’t allowed in the kitchen.

“Hmm, I think I’d like that.” He taps the spoon, drops it on the side of the stove, and turns to hug you properly, messing up your hair. “Someone needs to keep an eye on you, little troublemaker.”

“Papa!!” you protest, pushing his hand off. He laughs and nuzzles your cheek instead, his version of a kiss when he’s a dog. It’s scratchier when he’s just Papa, his stubble making your face feel tender.

“I was thinking a family movie and early bedtime tonight,” Daddy says, finally coming in from the hall and joining the hug with an arm around Papa’s shoulders and a hand on the top of your head. He’s always very gentle when he touches you. “I could use some extra sleep.”

“Sounds good.” Papa gives Daddy a kiss, and then pushes their noses together affectionately. “Alright if I stay up?”

“Of course.”

Papa and Daddy don’t always sleep at the same time, but that means when you can’t sleep, one of them is usually awake. And they don’t mind you climbing into their bed, either. Nothing is cozier than being squished between them after you’ve woken up from a nightmare.

“I wanna stay up with Papa!”

“Are you sure? It’s been a long day,” Daddy says.

“Yeah.”

You have the best caregivers: they listen to you. They used to make you go to bed at one time, every night, but it didn’t really work, because you can’t always sleep. So now they let you decide when to go to bed, unless you get cranky. Then they make you brush your teeth even if you say you don’t want to. And sometimes they trick you into lying down on the couch and listening to a lullaby, and then you wake up the next morning in bed.

You have tricky dads. But you love them.

“An Applebee and Papa party!” Sirius laughs, tugging you into his side and planting a proper kiss on your temple. “Sounds perfect. Alright, you two, get changed for dinner. Remus, did you walk through a mud puddle?”

“Oh….” Daddy glances down at his trousers, and so do you. They are very dirty. “I didn’t notice.”

“I know,” Papa says fondly. “Go help our little one get changed, and I’ll have dinner on the table when you’re done.”

“I love you!” you tell Papa, as Daddy takes your hand to help you up the stairs.

“Love you too, cutie.” Papa blows you a kiss, and you tuck it into your pocket with a giggle. Papa is silly. You love him. You look up and see Daddy smiling fondly: he loves both of you too.

That’s what family is, after all. Just a lot of love and silliness.

[thesoftboiledegg]

I went ahead and watched "Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion." Man, that was waaaay better than "Rickdependence Spray." I actually think it might end up being one of my favorite episodes. The only thing I didn't care for was the ending--didn't need to see the giant incest baby again. (Man, that thing is creepy.)

Spoilery comments under the cut:

I was surprised by how much canon stuff was in this episode even though it was basically a one-off. This episode established that we're in the C-137 universe (at least in this episode) and "Rickdependence Spray" also took place in C-137. The portal gun also made a reappearance (although I don't get why Rick didn't use it when the anime characters attacked him in the end?) So I guess the writers didn't forget about these concepts.

Looks like the family is going back to its old ways. Rick's getting hammered, Beth and Jerry are terrible parents, and nobody cares about Morty. Beth and Jerry are still getting along, but I think the honeymoon phase is over. Some might call it bad writing, but I think it's a natural regression for the characters. In the end, they're still deeply flawed people who have never dealt with their issues.

The last scene was clearly a callback to "Mortyplicity." I was worried that they were going to turn out to be decoys for a second there.

I think this is the most dialogue Summer's ever gotten in an episode. I love seeing her relationship with Rick develop--OK, he's obviously trying to make Morty jealous, but I think he's starting to genuinely value Summer as a person. I also love seeing Summer take charge and become the focus of the story.

Similarly, Rick trying to make Morty jealous seems to be a running theme in this season. Still, Summer said "Rick has Morty" at the end, indicating that their relationship still takes priority over everything (even Rick's relationship with his daughter, presumably.)

Jerry's starting to call people out on their bullshit. I've never been a Jerry fan, but I like where his character development is headed.

Since "Rickdependence Spray" took place in the C-137 universe, I guess people can stop arguing whether that was "our" Rick or not. Some are saying that he's too nice, but I think the events of season 4 humbled him.

The family dynamics in this episode were complex and entertaining. I'll have to watch it again to catch everything, but I'm glad that the Smith family and all their fucked-up interactions are coming back into focus.

On a negative note--is this season trying to erase Summer's bisexuality? Because this episode implied that Summer's only going to Boob World so Rick and Morty can get in, not because she actually wants to go.

Anyway, watching this episode out of order gives it a whole new context. It doesn't reveal anything huge, but it's obvious that we weren't supposed to see it until later in the season. I feel like the writers deliberately withheld information from us--like the fact that this is the C-137 universe--to keep us on our toes.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

10 things finishing my 10th book taught me

Hey People of Earth!

(I cannot believe I typed the title of this post!)

Today, I’m going to be sharing 10 things finishing my 10th book taught me, which means--as of 2:30 this morning, I have finished writing my tenth novel, aka MOTH WORK. I’ve written posts like this for my 7th, 8th, and 9th novels as well!

Enjoy this note no one asked me to write but that I wrote because I was sad: 

I introduced this project on this blog back in June, but actually started it in the notes app of my iPhone (iconic) sometime in January of 2019. At this time, my mental health was *lackin* as I was stressed and in my final months of high school. I needed something to cheer me up, and so Moth Work became a place where I could dump my “bad writing” and also have fun. For more context, you can read more about Moth Work in my various writing updates HERE. 

I didn’t intend for this project to become a novel, but thought I’d write it as a longer “for fun” story (prospective word count was 5k words). I chipped away at it for a few months, but didn’t really start picking it up as a serious project until around May/June. It was only once summer vacation hit that I, under the advice of my therapist to have a “reach goal” for the summer, decided to say fuck it!! I shall write this as a novel (prospective word count now 50k words). This novel has seen me graduate high school + almost finish my first year of university, and I’m so excited to share all the wonderful things I learned while writing it!

1. It is totally okay to take your “guilty pleasures” seriously. 

I was in a mega dilemma writing this book. I’d wrapped up writing my ninth novel just after starting this project, and felt a need to write something that was more “serious”. Though I’m an advocate for writing what you want, when you want, even I struggled not to feel like I was wasting my time writing a project that didn’t have very much literary/craft merit (in my eyes, this changed eventually). 

I am here to tell you--do NOT let anyone, including yourself, shame you out of writing what you like. Allow yourself to let loose and write “bad” things, and remember you don’t have to feel guilty/ashamed for writing stuff that seems “juvenile” or “bad”.

2. Processes change--embrace this.

I took about 4000 different approaches writing this book, and though I really wanted to stick to one (outlining, pantsing), eventually, I let my process be what it wanted to be. For example, I am a pantser and began this novel pantsing. Very quickly, I realized I needed an outline because I could not keep track of events (this book begins very plot-oriented). But, pre-determining events that would happen eventually stopped working as I began feeling constrained, and so I settled for outlining as I went so I could keep track of plot points. 

I outlined 10 of the 15 chapters like this before I sort of... stopped doing this (though I will go back and fill it in just for future reference)! I went back to full-blown pantsing in the last four or so chapters, as what I’d planned would NOT pan out--and I think it’s so important to let your process be what it wants to be. Sometimes this book needed some planning--sometimes it really didn’t. This flexibility has really allowed me to be in touch with my projects more, and really listen to them/understand what it is they need. 

3. Sometimes plans change. Don’t be afraid to follow your gut.

I did not plan for Moth Work to be a novel. But as the project developed, so did its final form. My gut was telling me what I needed to do (continue writing), and another example of this is when I sporadically made this a dual point of view book! I’ve never written a full-length dual POV manuscript, and haven’t written dual POV since I was 12, but I didn’t let that stop me from doing what I knew in my gut, was what the book needed. 

I want to emphasize here--sometimes the vision you imagine changes. Allow this change to happen if you feel it’s right, even if it’s scary. I feel I’ve grown a lot as a writer by just allowing this of myself! It’s easy to beat yourself up for not following your plan, and I did this a lot. Understanding that sometimes plans turn into other plans turn into other plans etc, is the most freeing thing you can do for your writing!

4. Write what makes you happy!

This project began as a means to increase my serotonin lmaooo and I think sometimes as writers, we forget that yes, art is hard, but writing what you like can make that difficulty just a little more tolerable. This book started toiling toward disaster mode for a few chapters in the middle, and I really was not happy writing it. You can feel the difference in the chapters when I felt comfortable writing, versus when I struggled because I felt I “had to”. And so I took a step back and re-evaluated. Since this was not working/not making me happy, what would? This question solved my problems (not easily, but lead me on the right path). The artist! does not! have to! suffer! 

Sometimes problems occur, and critically thinking through them is vital. I’m not saying just to do whatever every time something doesn't work because this isn’t a shortcut. However, my point is not to be afraid to change things up and write what will make you happier and help you finish the book if you feel that’s what you need. I wanted to write a cheesy romance about two boys who both need to chill, and so though I could’ve written something else, I wrote this because it genuinely made me happier! And I love that about this book!

5. Things can take longer than you expect. You’re not a bad writer because of this.

Y’ALL. I wanted to write 50k words of this book over one summer. One month! One! Month! Lots of folks can do this, but I did not! In fact, I hit 50k this month, which is half a year after I projected. 

I think a lot of us constitute speed to being a good writer, and while speed and being a good writer can coexist, speed is not necessarily a determining factor in whether you can write or not! This book took me just over a year from when I started it (nine months from when I took it on as a full-time project), and while sure, I could’ve written it faster, I let it develop as it needed, and wrote it when I felt I could. I am not a professional writer with deadlines (that’s different)! While you gotta put in the time to improve, I think you also gotta look out for yourself! Use your gut, and take your time if that’s what you need!

6. Craft and play can coexist.

This took me so long to grasp, and I still struggle with this today! Craft and play can coexist. Say it with me y’all: craft and play can coexist!!

My manifesto for Moth Work initially was to have it be my dumping ground for shitty writing. While this took the pressure off initially, I then felt like I was regressing in my craft (which was untrue, I just didn’t realize it at the time). So, I decided to begin taking the craft aspect of this book very seriously, trying to write polished, delicious prose (every! time!) and the fact of the matter is that often, this did not happen. 

I beat myself up over this! I was like: Rachel, 16-year-old you was pumping out better prose than this, what’s up? And I put so much pressure on myself to perfect the writing, even though this was only ever meant to be a “for funsies” project. Eventually, I came to understand that, okay, I really do want this to be a for funsies project, but I also want to enjoy re-reading it and not criticizing every aspect of it. I then began incorporating a few passes of line edits after drafting a chapter, until eventually, I stopped circling back to chapters to line-edit them altogether. You don’t have to be perfect on the first draft!

You also don’t have to sacrifice craft to have fun, just as the opposite is true. This book taught me a lot about finding this balance, something I’ve lacked in my writing process for years!

7. Your writing styles can differ from book-to book!

I couldn’t understand why my prose in this book felt “thin” (aka awful in my eyes), why the only thing I felt capable of describing was literally everything shining in some sort of way (glinting, glimmering, glowing lool) or overzealous descriptions of the moon. It was only about a month ago that I realized, after making a breakthrough with my litfic novel Houses With Teeth, that Moth Work was not sucking the life out of my prose--it was just a different book with a different style of writing.

And this makes sense! I was writing with two different characters, in two different perspectives, in a completely different POV than I’m used to writing in the long-form (third-present). Of course things were going to be different! I felt a bit silly realizing this, lol, because it felt so obvious, but I struggled with this for a long time (you can even see bits of this struggle in my video Problems I’m having with writing + solutions). 

I thought I had regressed to being a bad writer because of this book, when in reality, the fault was on my inability to stop comparing a very different book to my very different past works. Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re working against yourself! Acknowledging this, and then letting it go was the best thing I did for this book and it allowed me to draft it much faster toward the end!

8. Writing is NOT linear.

I spoke about this in my Problems video, and I honestly was nervous to see how this hot take would be received. However, I was surprised to see that some folks thought this hot take was actually not a bad one, so I’m re-iterating it here!

I think, because we writers are often always practicing writing, we assume everything we write will be better than the last. Honestly, I feel like at least for me, this was my goal--to always be working linearly in terms of progress. It wasn’t until this book that I really came to realize that this is just not how writing works. The easiest way for me to compare this, also as a visual artist, is to say that sure, practice does make perfect, but I have sketches from last week that are worse than sketches I drew two years ago. Why is it that we expect writing to always be linearly better from one project to the next? My answer is that this is just not how writing works. I wrote some of my favourite paragraphs years ago, and may be embarrassed of a paragraph I write tomorrow. 

I got caught up in this idealism of “I must be writing better each time I write” because I thought this was the most logical progression of my writing craft, but realizing that actually!! progress jumps around, was so important for me. Some days I’m better at writing description, some days I write dialogue worse than I did when I was fourteen! It’s okay not to always be uphill. 

Y’all, if I step down a wrung on a ladder and then step up four the very next day, that’s how it’s going to be! Practice intrinsically will make you grow as a writer, but it doesn't mean everything you write has to be better than what you wrote before (though this can be the case, which is awesome). I feel like I don’t see this spoken about enough, so I do want to know if this is relevant to any of you or if this point is bologna!!!

9. The story wants what it wants.

This is heavily in line with some previous points, but is something that was driven home for me while writing this novel. If I can give one piece of advice, it would be to let the story be what it wants to be. If my story wants to be a YA fantasy trilogy, but I’m trying to force it to be a standalone pretentious character-driven coming-of-age saga (calling myself out), my writing may suffer! Of course, some writers can take control over their story and execute their initial vision perfectly! I am not! one of those! people!

I’m a firm believer that sometimes the story wants what it wants, and it’s often your best bet to follow this path. Write intuitively--if you know something feels wrong, or contrarily, feels right, follow that path. 

I did not know how to end this book. I’d had an ending planned for a few months, though it eventually fell apart in the last few weeks. I didn’t know what I would do instead, but last night when I was drafting the last two chapters of the book, I felt in my gut that I was heading to the end. I wanted to stop writing for the night--I almost did, but instead, I kept at it because I knew I was on a roll toward the finish line, and I felt compelled to follow my instinct. This is how I landed at the end I wrote in, and it was a completely organic process.

Planning out your story is a great thing to do, and I’m not here to start a debate about whether plotting/pantsing is better because they’re both amazing!! But for me, it’s important to let the story breathe, and let it eventually grow into the shoes it chooses for itself. Taking a step back so I could stop trying to mould this story into a place it didn't want to be is probably the best thing I could’ve done for it because I finished the book. Any process is a good process if it gets you to the end healthily, and for me, allowing the story to be what it wanted to be and allowing it to take the lead helped me get there.

10. It’s okay to love your story.

I’m going to end this post on another hot take because it is probably what I primarily felt early this morning as I typed up the last paragraph of this book. I’m not going to lie--I cried finishing this book lol. I ached finishing this book. It *hurt* to finish this book. I didn’t want to finish this book. What I wanted to do was shut my computer, and pretend the end was not coming, and come back four months from now to finish it, maybe. I wanted to hang onto my story because it’s my story and I love it!

Y’all, this book is cringey. It’s melodramatic, juvenile in some places, comically serious in others. But it’s mine, and I love it. Sometimes I’m ashamed of the writing in this book--sometimes I think I’m getting worse. But it’s my story, and I love! it! 

I think so many of us want to please other people! Or maybe that’s just me lol!! oh boy!! There were so many times I wanted to give up on this project because I thought others would find it cringey in places I too, thought were cringey, but simultaneously loved.

I’ve written for other people a lot in the past, and sometimes those ‘other people’ are just me--many critical versions of me. Don’t forget about how much you love a story (for its quirks maybe, its clichés, its “bad writing”) before you finish it. A first draft only comes once and finishing a first draft is so wonderful, and even more so when you love that story. We got enough hate y’all, lets give our stories some love. 

So that’s it for this post! I still have five chapters to write writing updates for, so the party ain’t over til it’s over!!!

For my obligatory Oscar’s speech! A special thanks to @sarahkelsiwrites​​ for reading about these trash people for five years, and for enthusiastically contributing to their trash decisions (#do it for the tea)! And for reassuring me that the prose in this book is actually not as bad as I believe because I would never have finished this book without that pep talk lol. To @imdisappointed​​ for helping me crack some of the toughest plot problems!! You talk me out of problems and it’s magic! And to my MOM @shaelinwrites​​ (for being my mom) and also for all the kind/insightful things you say! Y’all get me through it!!!

And of course!! I thank all of YOU for following this journey of drafting Moth Work. My community on here never fails to amaze me, and I’m a big stan of you all!! Please tag me in your stuff--I’d love to read about what you’re writing!

Here’s to finishing a book, but more importantly, to hoping I don’t make Moth Work a series lmaoo!!! *pops confetti*

--Rachel

[werevulvi]

Not the anon you replied to but I think the nonbinary argument falls apart for me because no one can be truly sexless nor a hermaphrodite person so this idea that they "should" be is like someone feeling they should be a minotaur or a fairy. It's so disconnected and almost entitled to bend reality that it grates on me, especially when its combined with some flavor of "but it's not a mental illness!".Even from a health pov there is no viable HRT that makes u both. And no gonads+no HRT = bad

Well, that's alright. I might just not see it from the same perspective as you. I don't really view nonbinary as one specific thing, but rather as on a greyscale kinda between male and female. It is not saying that mixing male and female traits on the same body in various ways necessarily "makes" a new gender, or truly sexless. The "gender" is merely personal interpretation.

I still battle this with myself, so it's difficult to talk about, but since I'm the only nonbinary person who's brain I know well enough to speak of... I guess I'll try.

First off though, usually the point with nonbinary isn't to be a specific "third" sex, sexless or to be some mythological hermaphodite. Humans cannot become truly sexless or be both sexes for real, but at the same time females cannot become males or vice versa either. So is it pointless to transition (with hormones and surgery) at all then?

Because at the end of the day, we're all just bio males and bio females, regardless how we feel about it, and regardless if we transition or not. That's what the reality is. But wanting to look different and putting a gendered meaning into that difference, isn't necessarily wrong, bad or illogical to me.

Like I have a teddy tiger which I sometimes refer to as simply "my tiger" even though she's not a real tiger. Because the toy resembles a tiger, and was made to resemble a tiger, it's logical enough to call her a tiger, even though it might sometimes be important to specify that it's made of fabric. Likewise, a nonbinary person might just be a female who looks partially male and partially female, due to hormones and surgery, like myself. To then say that me looking both male and female and liking it "makes" me nonbinary is no more untrue than saying that the soft toy "is" a tiger.

Because I resemble a mix of both sexes, just like the soft toy resembles a tiger. I cannot produce both sperm and eggs so I am not of both sexes for real; and my tiger cannot roar nor scratch, and is not a living creature, thus it is not a real tiger. Often times we call things not only what they are, but also what they resemble. Especially when it comes to art and other creations, but really all sorts of things. Like comparing someone's red hair to fire, or calling my balcony during hot summer days a sauna, even though red hair is not actual flames and my balcony is not an actual sauna. Why? Because it help with communication. Parables are important to describe things or to make a point. I even made another parable to describe a parable, to prove a point with a parable, just now.

Granted that most nonbinary (and binary) trans people do not view themselves as a parable to the gender of the sex they consider themselves to be, but I do.

So, consider the fact that transition doesn't actually change the person's sex, only polishes the surface to either look like the opposite sex, and/or some ambiguous variant of both/neither sex, but it can still make that person feel better about themselves. Is it then pointless for them to do things that make them feel better and find ways to lead a more functional life, regardless of how redundant it might seem to you? Because to me, the point of transitioning is not to become something else (whether that be male, female, sexless or a hermaphrodite), but to reduce dysphoria to improve over all life quality for the dysphoric person. And yes, dysphoria is a mental illness. I wouldn't wanna argue against that. I view my dysphoria as the defect, not my sex. And no, transitioning doesn't help every dysphoric person, but I think it's pretty clear that it helps for some. So then there's just not that much of a difference between... say, transitioning with T and top surgery to live as a self-perceived man - and transitioning with only T to live as a self-perceived half man-half woman. Because neither of those two examples can truly become anything other than a female anyway, so why does it matter? It might not matter to you, but it probably matters to them.

Also, I don't think anyone "should" be of the other sex or some other variant either. I just think people can do whatever they want with their own bodies if it makes them happy, and call themselves whatever they want if they feel that's useful for them somehow.

Both males and females, as well as intersex conditions that look ambiguous exist. Fairies and minotaurs do not. Even if they might be loosely based on bulls and fireflies. I could literally fool people to believe that I'm both male and female by simply saying some stupid shit like "I was born with both a dick and a pussy" because a lot of people have heard that can be a thing, even though they would know it's rare, they likely know it's humanly possible in some way. Getting people to believe I'm a fairy or minotaur would probably be a lot harder, unless they’re 5 years old.

How much or what kind of dysphoria somehow has doesn't really matter, I think. Dysphoria is dysphoria. And yeah, I would at least be willing to possibly extend that non-dysphoric people who seem genuinely more satisfied with themselves post-transition. Because then so what, good for them.

But yeah, I know even I have an easier time accepting certain types of nonbinary more than other types. Someone wanting no genitals, I would personally find very concerning, but someone wanting both a dick and pussy, I wouldn't be nearly as worried about. Someone wanting physical changes that can realistically be acquired through hormones, surgery, etc, would not be as concerning for me as someone wanting... say for example a big beard but not a deeper voice, and start dabbling with testosterone anyway.

You're right that there is no hormone that makes you "both" but it's possible to look androgynous in various ways with the hormones available. Sure, I may pass as male, have a beard and flat chest, but I also have a curvy figure and a pussy. To me, that's kind of a way to look like "both" sexes at once. Not evenly, and not like a hermaphrodite stereotype, but it is a combination of male and female sex characteristics that together makes me look kinda half and half. How I "achieved" that was simply by first going through female puberty (naturally) and then taking testosterone (on standard, "full" dose) for a significant amount of time, and get a mastectomy. Totally doable. Although my personal results depend highly on my genetic as well, of course. For other variants of androgyny, some manage to achieve that with low dose hormones, or going off the hormones after a shorter time on them. Some also go on and off hormones (not sure how healthy that is though.) Not everyone gets their intended results, but I have seen many variants that have looked good to me. I’m not advocating for getting one’s gonads removed and then not take any sort of hrt, or doing hrt without a knowledgable doctor’s supervision.

So really all I can say is I'm generally okay-ish with the concept of nonbinary, but some aspects/variants of it does concern me, make me uncomfortable, make me roll my eyes, or even viscerally upset me. I'm still quicker to critisise nb than I am to defend it, however... I do both critisise and defend it.

Whether I want to admit it or not, I'm practically nonbinary myself, even though I scoff at the concept and can name a hundred things wrong with it. I don't wanna label myself that, though. I hate it.

Let me put it this way: In an ideal world I'd just exist as myself like this, take my testosterone just because I like it (and not because I'm x, y or z gender), dress however I want (without it being questioned to mean I wanna be x, y or z gender), and be openly proud about my bio sex being female (without people telling me they don't believe it), without having to label myself anything at all. Alternatively, I'd also be fine with carrying a label which doesn't exclude ANY of those things I like being/doing with my body, style, name, etc.

But thing is I don't live in an ideal world. I live in Sweden. And in Sweden, we call freaks like me nonbinary. Because women don't wanna take testosterone to look like bearded men in dresses, and (trans) men don't love being female. Only nonbinary people do. So I’m only really nonbinary because I don’t fit any other label, and well, most people I know/come across dislike it too.

At the end of the day my body is just me and I just am like this. It doesn't actually "mean" anything, other than that I had dysphoria and acted on it. I love being female and I love being transitioned. Thus, I feel like I am in some highly abstract and vague sense "a little bit of both" sexes, and I don't think that's a particularly strange conclusion to come to, given my situation. I don't mean it literally. It's just how I relate to my body, and it's how the world relates to me. Sure, far from everyone “reads” me as nonbinary, but the sheer number of people who have told me I should identify that way... is flabbergasting, seriously. It’s like 20+ people who told me that, unprompted. Both people I’ve known, and strangers.

So, as I'm reluctantly trying to slap the uncomfortable nonbinary label on my own ass... perhaps I "shouldn't" invalidate my own kind, while I'm at it. However, the only thing I'd kindly ask of others to "validate" about me is my humanity, and to respect my bodily autonomy. If others think of me as a man or woman, both or neither, I truly do not care. But would I ever truly advocate for the nonbinary community? No, I don't think so. For the most part it’s regressive and goes against my values. I'd rather have gender be done away with, because ultimately I think that's a much better goal... even though it’s a pipedream. We can all dream, right?

So I mean... I'm probably not the best person to come to for some solid argument in support of nonbinary.

[ihaveseentruebravery]

Mighty Nein Dynamics

I have had soooo many thoughts brewing in my noggin over the last couple weeks, so I guess now’s the time to jot em down.

I'll start this off by restating the fact that I've adored the Mighty Nein party dynamic from the beginning, for a few reasons. (And with the addendum that I binged Ep1-26 in about a month back in the summer, catching Ep26 live, and that colored a lot of my perspective about the dynamics). The reasons are as follows:

1. They began as a bunch of chaotic assholes that didn't respect boundaries (interpersonal or in regards to laws). I wanted to see what it would take for them to show some compassion or consideration for others around them. (We've been blessed with so much growth ya'll)

2. They all had fantastic chemistry right at the start that was incredibly engaging (since the cast all have done this for so long and there's a lovely amount of trust), and you could tell even under all the facades these fools put up, that they were genuinely wanting to help each other out. They knew they'd be better together, despite their misgivings.

3. On a narrative level, the Mighty Nein fits nicely into the Five-Man Band trope of storytelling, which I really enjoy for the interpersonal dynamics that can be explored within that. Fjord is the Leader-charismatic & level-headed; with Beauregard as the Lancer (sometimes a role shared with Molly)-both nailed that deadpan snarker gig and happened to be anti-heroes to an extent; Caleb is the Smart Guy-intelligent & clever, but physically weak; Yasha is the Big Guy-not as smart, but definitely strong; Molly was sometimes The Lancer, and sometimes The Sixth Ranger; Caduceus slots more nicely into The Sixth Ranger; with Nott and Jester sharing the role of The Heart.

So, why do I lay all this out? It’s pertinent to current fandom discussion, imho. Because while it’s a trope, the Five-Man band is a fantastic shorthand for analyzing their dynamics. (Concurrently, you can easily divide the Mighty Nein up into a few Power Trios: Fjord/Beau/Caleb, Beau/Caleb/Nott, and Jester/Caduceus/Yasha as we saw last night).

Moving on to specifics though; It took awhile for Nott to emerge as the other half of the Heart. This was due to the immediate suspicion from Ep1&2 placed on Caleb and Nott by the FjordxBeauxMolly team. However, Nott and Jester had an instant connection that quickly grew past the whole ‘pulling a shortsword on Jester’ thing that happened in Ep1. This is further complicated because Nott doesn't trust Fjord and Molly, especially after the ‘Charm Person’ kerfuffle occurred. Regardless, as the group evolved and began to trust each other more, it became clear Nott was also a Heart of the Nein.

Caleb is able to serve as Leader and does so during the Shady Creek arc, but it's clear that he's most comfortable as the Smart Guy.

Beauregard could rise to Leader, without question, and that's due to her forthright, honest behavior after the growth she's experienced. She is, in this moment after Ep46, the most level-headed communicator. Which wasn't true ten episodes ago.

Caduceus’ late arrival fits him nicely into the Sixth Ranger role, but he could also rise to Lancer, as Molly sometimes did, so long as he gains some self-confidence in his communication and planning skills.

Why is this important? Because in breaking down dynamics into familiar tropes, we have a starting point for setting the analysis on its head.

All other differences notwithstanding, let's do a thought experiment, and imagine up a role swap, saaaaay: Caleb is the Leader in Ep46, and Caleb treats Jester as Fjord treated Nott. Let's have Caleb act snippy/shady and the others drag him over the coals for it.

Oh wait… This already happened. This is how Caleb was treated right up until about Ep22/23 by various members of the Mighty Nein(excluding Nott). At no point was Caleb (and Nott) an actual viable threat to the betterment of the Mighty Nein, and they were also not in positions of leadership, and therefore had no effect or impact on the rest of the group in the context of power dynamics.

Why is the fandom so uncomfortable with the dynamic from Ep46? Many reasons I'm sure, but there's an incredibly obvious one in my mind. At no point did Beauregard treat Fjord as she has treated Caleb in similar situations. At no point did Caduceus verbalize his misgivings about what was going down with Fjord to Fjord himself, whereas Molly pushed Caleb (and Nott) several times to fall in line with what was best for the group.

The Lancers are not rising to the occasion, and when they do try to question Fjord, Fjord isn't listening. This is exponentially more dangerous, because he's currently acting in the capacity of Leader. The power dynamics as they are currently, are at risk of fracturing. The Five-Man Band is at risk of failing, bc Fjord is refusing to be considerate of the rest's misgivings. He can talk the talk, but so far has been unable to walk the walk.

However, this does not mean I'm trying to rake Fjord over the coals. From the start of his arc, I knew he would have to step aside as Leader. The Leader position requires a certain amount of selflessness and consideration that just isn't applicable when you're pursuing your own goals. (as a note, this is why Caleb is only an effectual leader in the context of the Shady Creek arc with the Beau/Caleb/Nott trio. He is leading because Beau keeps second-guessing herself, and it's one of the only times he has put the wellbeing of others ahead of his own goals.)

Since episode 32, I expected Beauregard to rise as Leader, and so far she's well on her way. She has, fascinatingly enough, also gained Nott's respect and deference, as we see occur in Ep45. Fjord, I don't believe, has ever had both those things from Nott. As Nott being the second half of the Heart role, this has always concerned me on a narrative level. It just didn't bode well. And Jester now questions Fjord as Beau has done, and her concerns are also being dismissed as we see at the end of Ep46. The other positions in the band determine a lot of its trajectory, but if the Leader doesn't hold the trust of the Heart, most Five-Man Bands fail.

Not to say that this is all just mopey, doom and gloom stuff. When the Band fails, characters fall back into their Power Trios: Fjord/Beau/Caleb (of the Diplomacy/Combat/Stealth trio variety), and Beau/Caleb/Nott (the Fighter/Mage/Thief trio), and Jester/Caduceus/Yasha (which fits most accurately into a Sea/Land/Sky Divinity trio). The back-up Power Trios I feel will have a good impact on the reforming of the group dynamic if it ultimately fails.

As it stands now, Beauregard has grown so much, and built up really healthy bonds with a great deal of the Mighty Nein, (with some exception concerning Fjord bc you must also stand up to your friends and cannot follow along blindly) and her growth has already made a lovely impact on the relationships between the others of the Mighty Nein.

Caduceus too, has reached out and gotten more confident navigating the interpersonal dynamics amongst the Nein and that has fostered healthy growth.

Yasha, opening up as she did and trusting in Caduceus and Jester, is a very good sign for her to be able to withstand the upheaval and changing of the dynamic.

Nott starting to defer to Beau and being more level-headed as well, and standing up for herself against Fjord, are all good signs she'll be able to handle any changes in the dynamic.

Both Jester and Caleb have regressed somewhat, but much of Jester's regression was handled well in this episode, thankfully. Until Jester and Caleb deal with their tenuous and splintering connection to Fjord, they will not be able to continue down the road towards progress. Caleb needs to do a great deal more in regard to that development within the Nein as well, but we know his journey will be the long way round. Caleb is also capable of being self-aware enough to know when he is in the wrong, and that's a plus in his favor.

Fjord, at the end of the day, will be the deciding factor in whether or not the Band ultimately fails. And there's a few different ways the consequences could shake out. Personally, I think we're all feeling a major shift in dynamics coming, which is part of why there are so many people uneasy about how ep46 left things. The Lancers don't necessarily need to rise to the occasion if Fjord realizes that he's been blowing off their concerns. However, the Lancers have an important part to play here if Fjord succumbs to his ambition.

And as a note, I’m not saying the Nein are all petty, inconsiderate assholes. I’m analyzing them through a narrative lens and by how their actions impact their balancing act of their interpersonal relationships. Each of em can be sweet and nice, depends on their mood. This analysis isn’t a hard and fast rule about my expectations for what’s coming. I’m simply addressing what impacts they have already made through their behavior.

In any case, I'll be watching their shifting dynamics very closely. Narrative analysis is something I strive to be better at, so I'm interested in how I'll think about this six months from now. And boy will the journey be a fun one I think.

[lilliebabie]

tw: self condescension, loneliness, general mental illness and negative subjects (possibly psychotic thoughts)

This is not something to read if you are regressed

i dont feel good. i feel ill right now. its really embarrassing because i know its childish and unimportant and no one else would care like this but basically ive been a huge fan of the magnus archives since summer 2020 and its been a big part of my life, i was genuinely hyper fixated on it for a while like it was what i was thinking about seventy percent of the time. its still the only piece of media I consistently read fics for. I prepared myself well for its end and coped with it remarkably well for someone as pitiful as myself. i accepted it and felt okay. i really really felt ok, and satisfied and satiating and an appropriate amount of sad. i thought it was a good ending. a well written one. anyone with any good media literacy skills can probably know that an melancholy yet ambiguous ending was best for a show like tma. one of my biggest pet peeves is when pieces of media that closed their stories extremely intentionally and cleanly open it up again for more money and because there out of ideas. And tma isn’t even doing an extra thing like I thought they were suggesting with an arg they released. It’s a full on sequel. I feel so sick writing this. i know it’s pathetic. i know it’s embarrassing. but it feels like the corpse of something I loved was buried nicely within me and I’ve been through the stages of grief and I’ve accepted it, but now my acceptance has been broken because the corpse has been dug up and desecrates for money and a lack of ideas. seeing the worst parts of capitalism and of media and art within it taint my favorite art is really really hard right now. And it’s so rough because I think I recall Jonny sims emphasizing that this was the end point blank period. And it should have been. But nothing I love can stay nice. I don’t know. i can’t handle it all again. All the stress. This is also so so so embarrassing, no one looks at my posts so at this point I’m putting it out in tot he void which is fine by me, I just need to get it off my chest, but i am so so so painfully lonely and understimulated and uninterested in life too that ive been trying to imagine that Martin from tma is my friend. I try to hear him taking to me and being next to me because I feel like I’m losing my humanity and my connection to human being and my very being will literally cosmically unravel if I can’t put myself in delusion that I have a friend who loves me on a deeper level than is possible. I don’t know. I don’t know. They’re messing up my equilibrium. Everything was laid to rest. It’s a terrible decision writing wise too. The finale has lost all meaning. Rusty quill has been laying off workers and taking breaks on other works for this dumb arg bc I guess nothing was making them money so just bring back the FINISHED series you promised you wouldn’t bring back I guess. Nothing means anything anymore. When I found out about all this, like when it came out that this new content would be tma2 and that they were firing people if felt like k was losing it and I had to start calling out for people who don’t exist to keep me existing. I hate them. I can’t do this. It’s hard to watch such a well written thing become shut writing for money. HE SAID HE WOULDNT BRING IT BACK. i need to sleep now and I guess I’ll pretend there is another person here and I’ll make it real.

[tiny-personal-university-thing]

My {Formerly} Bad Student Story: Physical and Mental Health Almost Destroyed Me - But I’m Back and Better Than Ever

Please read if you have suffered from chronic illness/pain or with your mental health to the detriment of your education!

Where to begin?

To start, a little bit about me. I am 21 years old, and currently a junior in college at Texas Tech University. I was born and raised in Houston, Texas, but I currently go to school in Lubbock, Texas – 532 miles from where I grew up in Houston. I’m what my school calls a “University Studies” major, which means that my degree is comprised of three “disciplines.” Those include Women’s Studies, Legal Studies and Environmental Science. This is all in the hopes that I will make a well-rounded candidate for law school.

 So this is where it gets interesting; this is the “{formerly}” bad student part. Basically, I didn’t do so hot my first two years at college. I suffer from chronic nerve pain due to 6 bulged discs because of a really bad car accident I had my senior year of high school - my truck was actually totaled. Additionally, I have this autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s. It’s also called Chronic Lymphocytic Thyroiditis. It’s not fatal - it just sucks. In fact, it’s fairly common. My mom also has it. It’s just a major lifestyle change because my thyroid is either under-functioning or over-functioning. One of the most common symptoms across the board is debilitating fatigue. One may also experience copious hair loss (from it literally breaking off), hyperthyroidism/hypothyroidism, unexplained weight gain, depression/anxiety, joint stiffness, memory lapses, or complications such as heart disease. You can’t really be cured of Hashimoto’s, you just have to do your best to keep your life in a state of equilibrium. On top of all that, I was also officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (GAD), my freshman year of college; however, I have suffered from high-functioning anxiety since I was in the 2nd grade. I actually tested in the 98th percentile for anxiety. With my Hashimoto’s and chronic pain severely limiting my ability to even physically get out of bed, my grades really suffered. I was involved in a total of 8 organizations my first year of college, co-founder of two (one that focuses on raising awareness about sex trafficking that I am particularly proud of), and another that raises funds to establish legal aid clinics in less developed nations. I was also an officer in three of the aforementioned organizations, including the president of my dorm. But when I started to really get sick, participating in anything became so hard. I felt my peers judging me. I knew they didn’t believe me. My anxiety, which had been dormant for a couple years, came back with a vengeance. It almost destroyed me. I became isolated. I barely left my dorm - only to feed my horse each night or to buy food on campus. Every Friday, my mother would literally beg me to go out with friends, to reach out to literally anyone. I frequently considered the possibility of taking my own life - although I would describe it more along the lines of a general desire to cease existing, or to have never existed at all. I had never been so low in my entire life. My first semester, I did decently. I managed to go to the majority of my classes, and make decent grades that didn’t raise any red flags with my family or my school. While my social life did pick up my sophomore year and I began to form the close friendships we associate with college; unfortunately, I continued to regress academically in the semesters that followed.

 But, enough about that. The fact that I was always in pain/tired to the point of delirium/constantly ill made it really hard for me to focus on school. Often, the pain or fatigue was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t participate in the organizations I was excited about, ride my horse, play violin, or go to classes despite being eager to learn. When I did feel okay enough to go to class, I was bombarded by pervasive, irrational thoughts like “I’ve missed class for weeks, the professor/students are going to judge me when I show back up again tomorrow.” I just didn’t get it. I didn’t understand how I went from the girl who begged her mother to let her go to school when she was violently ill with the flu in 7th grade because I loved it so much, to the girl who hadn’t gone to class in so many days she lost count. I ended up having to take a semester off from school. I remained in the city where my college is and bided my time by working - serving and eventually bartending full time. While working 40+ hours per week, I also tried to find a good pain management doctor and a decent endocrinologist. By remaining in the city I went to college, I was able to maintain a facade that I was still in school. When anyone asked me about school, I kept my answers terse, and general. School was “good,” I was taking “some classes.”

 When my semester off came to an end, I actually elected to take another semester off. I was torn in my decision to do this. I felt like I was letting everyone down a second time, that I would be stigmatized as a “drop out,” and I felt like no one believed me when I said I was going back. However, in my heart I still knew that I wasn’t in that much better of a place than I was when I left school. I am so glad I made that decision.

 My second semester off, I found a good pain management doctor not far from where my mom lives. My insurance covered spinal injections frequently used to treat bulged discs, where I underwent general anesthesia and essentially my doctor went into the epidural space in my spine to administer steroids to the bulged discs that he believed to be causing my nerve pain. While these injections are temporary and I’ll have to go back and get more injections whenever the pain returns - they have brought me great relief.  I continued working my job at the restaurant and became much more financially independent. This helped me to feel like less of a burden, and much more productive, in turn helping me with my anxiety. It also felt good having money. I was able to take over paying my rent, utilities, groceries, and costs associated with my horse. I also learned about Hashimoto’s, the symptoms (intolerable fatigue, insomnia despite said fatigue, gluten intolerance, inability to lose weight, my hair literally breaking off at alarming quantities, unbearable intolerance to the cold, inflamed joints, etc.) and how to live with it.

 After that semester, I was ready and determined not to fail. As the Spring 2018 semester neared, I made an appointment to see an advisor at my university, who became one of the two advisors I saw about every 3 weeks. They knew all aspects of my life; my mental health, my physical health, my struggles with my job, my aspirations, everything. It was in meeting them that I realized my first year at Tech I made a huge mistake by only meeting with the advisor assigned to me when I had some sort of hold on my account - which was once a semester at best. My advisors have fervently supported me. I am so grateful to them for the resources and affirmation they have provided me with this semester. Additionally, I learned to be more honest about my struggles with the rest of my support system, including my family and friends. I kept the secret of my two semesters off from everyone I was related to except for my mom. Even my dad was unaware until my second semester off. I did this mostly out of shame, but now that I’m back on track I actually want to tell everyone my story.  I also learned to be honest with myself about my genuine short comings that are unrelated to my health - including my organizational skills and time management skills. Lastly, I learned to be proud of myself, even for little victories.

 This is now (as I am writing this) my first semester back at school in two semesters (not including the summer sessions). Again, I am actually genuinely proud of the work that I have put forward. I’m aspiring to make my school’s Dean’s List or President’s List every semester from now until I graduate (which, by the way, is still in 2019 - the same as it was when I first came to college, which just goes to show you that it’s okay to take time off from school if that’s what you need). I’m aspiring to graduate at least cum laude. I’m aspiring to receive at least a 172/180 on the Law School Admission Test, and I will get into law school. I know that I am capable of these things because of the time I took away from school to better myself. Finally, my hope is that other college students facing similar adversities will be able to resonate with me, realize that college is not a race (you are under no obligation to be out in exactly four years or less), and see that they absolutely can overcome their obstacles.

Finally, I am certain that my struggle is not rare. I know that some of you may struggle with anxiety or depression. I know that some of you may suffer from chronic illness or pain that peers your age cannot truly relate to. I know that some of you may fear disappointing your family. I would like to add that I am here for you. I can promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If anyone - ANYONE - feels like they need someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me. I am up at all hours of the day and night usually. If you need just general advice, I got you. I hope that my story resonates with some of you.

My Story will be permanently linked to my blog via the “My Story” tab. As always, happy studying, fellow realistic students. And thank you again for 100+ followers. I am overwhelmed by your continued support. 

[ruwithmeguys]

Random rant that affects no one anywhere and you can skip right past this, promise...

Quentin Lance… um.

Ok, so – I’m loving the sixth season of Arrow. It’s swiftly becoming my favourite for many reasons. It feels like this big reward. Oliver married to the love of his life and clearly much happier because of it? Check. Oliver as a learning father? Check. Oliver unrepentant in showing his clear love for these two people? Check. Oliver managing a triple life? Check. OTA, Delicity scenes, Oliver and Dig scenes and the Olicity of it all? Check x1000!

In a way, it’s similar to season 5: instead of allowing his fall into darkness, it’s showing his climb into legend.

There’s been a clear showcase of Oliver’s progression since minute one. Is he perfect? No, he’ll never be perfect. He’ll be human; messy, complicated and full of love. But he’s also the de facto leader and, whilst Felicity is the heart of the team, he is the core that surrounds the heart. The wisdom he’s dished out this year, the patience, the acceptance of help from his now wife etc, of the depth of his love for her and the way he clearly knows his life is good; it’s wonderful to see after 5 years of darkness, angst and brooding (he stills broods, but it’s softer).

And I could talk Olicity all day. Their progression together and apart has been phenomenal so far.

There’s been a clear showcase of Oliver’s progression since minute one. Is he perfect? No, he’ll never be perfect. He’ll be human; messy, complicated and full of love. But he’s also the de facto leader and, whilst Felicity is the heart of the team, he is the core that surrounds the heart. The wisdom he’s dished out this year, the patience, the acceptance of help from his now wife etc, of the depth of his love for her and the way he clearly knows his life is good; it’s wonderful to see after 5 years of darkness, angst and brooding (he stills broods, but it’s softer). Both together and apart, they’ve grow

But not all characters can progress per season. Some stand still, a stalemate. Some become a standalone; a character who detaches from a group. Some come full circle to where they were at the start, but at opposite ends of a poll. And some regress.

I honestly can’t decide if Quentin has regressed, become stagnant, gone full circle or has progressed… into a crazy person. Has his flip switched and that’s his progressive arc?

(not touching the newbies yet, just... no)

Arrow has never had a perfect season and never will; there’s a disconnect in writing when it comes to reactions, almost as if the writers are afraid that if they write too much romance or have a person react with human emotion to an event or have someone actually judge another for their actions, would invite the fury of the masses. God, why? It’s the sixth season. They know they’re getting a seventh. There should be no fear. But it’s been there since S1 so… Hopefully, in their final season, they’ll go balls to the floor. The seventh might be their final season but I only say that because I was informed that Stephen’s contract is seven seasons long. It would take quite a bit for him to agree to an eighth.

Despite this weakness, I’m still very much enjoying the show. But we all have those arcs and circles and repetitions in a story, that drive us nuts.

You guys know I’ve (all of us) have had difficulty accepting the character of LL before she was killed off. KC’s inability to project genuine empathy through her character for other characters - thought admittedly, she did with Sara after S2 - the blatant way she isn’t very giving to other characters who are focal in that particular moment and concentrates on herself in every scene she’s in (like there was a bubble around her and it became more obvious in her final season), the very poor script choices that led her into being one big contradiction and the horrid speed they had her become BC, made LL a ‘good guy’ I could barely stand the sight of.

It’s not all KC’s fault; CW brought her on board without a screen-test, believing she didn’t need one. Well done. And the writers gave her material she couldn’t work with - that most actresses would have difficulty with because it meant playing a character who couldn’t move forwards - because she didn’t have the range. Because of that, they couldn’t quite decide on her progression so her opinions changed as often as the weather does. 

There are reasons why they brought her back and it wasn’t because they missed her. Not saying anything else.

But the choice to make her a villain was genius. She does an incredible bitch and shines when she’s playing the character at her most sadistic. It hasn’t bothered me; seeing her onscreen again as LL’s evil alternate, though her demonstration as a DC villain is… incredibly camp at times. 

Very 1960s comic flamboyance and could they please understand that leather on KC - with her longs legs and shape -  makes this even worse. Notice how they keep putting her in jeans? Well, there’s a reason. Appearance is a big thing for KC; in S4 she made the make up artists and costume designers stop putting black make up over her eyes because, apparently, it was ugly. And she no longer wanted a wig because, guess what? It was ugly. So basically, she barely had a mask in S4 but they were killing her off so…

It’s clear the ‘looking good whilst performing action scenes that would make even the most beautiful person look like a pig’ still applies in her S6 role and that’s fine. It fits in with the character (Seriously, check out S4 - there’s a strip of material on her face - her hair and eyes are clear).

Gone are the days when she constantly flipped her hair back during fight scenes(?????). Gone are the times when you’d find her awkwardly standing there, bobbing up and down on the spot. Gone are the moments where an enemy would hit her or stun her and she’d make the exact same expression.

(Weirdly, her season 3 fight scenes were more convincing than her season 4 fight scenes. And no, I’m not comparing season 6 because a) BS isn’t LL and b) neither version can hold a candle to Oliver.)

It was all very fitting and I never once thought like some other people in the summer before the first episode aired, that her appearance would have anything at all to do with Oliver and it hasn’t. Like… at all. Crickets. Which is fitting. Thankfully, I haven’t seen any of that fear in months and there really shouldn’t be. There shouldn’t have been since 2014. There’s literally nothing to say about Oliver and either LL or BS and yes, they are different people. Doppelganger means look-a-like who is of a different personality and soul.

So seeing BS - once, I’d hoped LL would become a villain; she had the drive and the will and it would have been a good arc for her - be BS and not a carbon copy of the character who died, a character who wasn’t necessary to the show anymore, even as she tried damn hard to have an impact, was gratifying.

Until it wasn’t.

Until it really, really wasn’t.

It’s one long repeat of 5.10 and I thought she was better in 5.10.

I’m not a fan of the character, because AGAIN – bad script choices. Maybe not the best acting either (and some of her fans agree with that btw). But she isn’t a main villain, so it didn’t matter.

Then Quentin Lance decided, for some unfathomable reason, that she was IN FACT his dead daughter come back to life.

Now, I figured BS would have a plot line of her own or something that would make her a credible threat. A reason for her to be in the sixth season beyond someone else’s plot. Turns out, she doesn’t. She just owes her life to Cayden James and whoever was pulling the strings. She just likes hurting people.

What I didn’t know was that BS WAS a plot line… for Quentin. She’s his season 6 story.

Do you remember what his story was last year? The year before? Let’s have a quick look:

S1: crotchety, deeply unhappy detective who lost a daughter - his favourite - and the grief still affects him 5 years later and whose wife divorced him. I liked this version of him: it held potential. You understood why he was the way he was and accepted it. You knew he’d become an ally eventually and each step into him trusting the vigilante was thrilling. Laurel was his only connection to the happy man he’d once been and how did he repay that connection? With over-protectiveness. With judgement. With years of alcohol abuse, meaning she’d have vivid memories of having to cart him home and get him sober. He may have done his best, what he could, as a man, but as a father? He kind of let her down. So did her mother by leaving and choosing grief over love. But he and LL were similar. Too similar.

S2: he’s sober. He’s willing to work for peace with the Arrow. He’s reaching for better and he’s enjoying it… he’s watching his daughter spiral into the same kind of pit he’s fallen into, only it’s worse because he’s played a hand in it. And he can’t judge her for it. And it’s not just alcohol and oh God, how does he help her? His second daughter returns and for a moment everything is perfect, except LL is the opposite. Sara’s return meant every betrayal was brought back to the surface and he watched one daughter emotionally crucify another.

S3: He’s a captain now and he’s EARNED it. He’s made waves with the Arrow. Both his daughter’s are alive and this is where the cycle starts.

Sara dies. Again.

And LL – in her infinite wisdom – keeps it from him. Now initially, she feared for his heart. But for a long time after he was given a clean bill of health, she still maintained the lie when she had no reason to keep it from him. There was more than once, where she insinuated she enjoyed playing Sara (JHSGAJDVA) because it meant keeping her alive (AHSAJDV) and that she needed the mask. Regardless, it’s a betrayal - because no one has the right to keep the death of a child from the parent - and when he does find out, he goes off the rails and targets Oliver. Makes his life miserable. Has a hand in some of what happens at the end and per Lance logic, never pays for them.

(Do the writers think that their grief means they can do and say things destroy and hurt others? I do wonder. All the time.)

S4: he’s made a deal with the devil. To keep his daughter safe, undermining her choice to be a vigilante. Then she dies and he feels deep guilt and grief.

S5: he’s a deep, understandable wound that made him leave Donna, who he’s crazy about, and return to the booze. He gets therapy and tries to move forwards. He sees BS for what she is: an abomination of his daughter and shows some progression, has some amazing scenes with Rene and we think it’s literally the start of something new for Quentin…

S6: HE’S IN A DEEP GRIEF/GUILT SPIRAL ABOUT BS WHO IS SUDDENLY HIS DAUGHTER AFTER HE SHOT HER BECAUSE SHE WASN’T AND MUST MAKE HER BECOME HIS DAUGHTER WHO DIED BECAUSE HE CAN’T HEAL UNLESS SHE BECOMES HIS DAUGHTER…

Every season, Quentin’s story becomes more and more about his daughters, until he doesn’t have a story – or life – of his own.

Like Curtis, with his constant lack of story line, making it so that he has to continuously pilfer from Felicity’s.

Like with Thea - though this is more on Willa’s life the past couple of years than the writers - who has had no real storyline or love interest since S4.

Diggle is different: he seems to have a season that pays attention to him, then a season where he steps back. I fully expect for S7 to either be a season where he has nearly zero focus - after several episodes already in season 6 where he’s been focal - or, if it’s the last, to be integral once more. I’m not really fused at this point; just grateful for the focus but I do question some of the writers choices this season.

(DIVERGING FOR A HOT SECOND: Diggle’s drug abuse was rushed. Horribly so. For the first time, though I love his character, I thought Dig deserved to re-earn some trust. Looks like he’s allowed to endanger the team because he’s Diggle. He puts himself on a pedestal that’s hard to stay on top of and yet, he falls off it and doesn’t feel too badly about it? How uncharacteristic. He has reasons he deemed good enough. He asked Felicity to lie for him, knowing Olicity’s history. He stopped being an addict fast too. I mean I know he’s awesome but… didn’t you want Lyla to slap him round the head? And for Felicity to be angry that he kept this from her amongst other things? And this sudden (literally came from out of left field) desire for him to BE Green Arrow which we all know he can never be??? Never mind…)

But this is what happens when there are too many characters and only 1 hour per episode, even without FB’s.

So, Quentin! What gives?

If this SL doesn’t end in Quentin getting some therapy, or even a mention of something similar - or even his death, which I don’t want to happen but might because narrative cues indicate it as a possibility (or maybe we’ll just see how E2 Quentin died in fb’s) - then it’s an assassination of character. He’s completely forgotten that the body of his real daughter lies in a grave he cried over and every single time he calls BS his daughter and looks at her lovingly, even as she stares at him like he’s lost the plot and tells him I’M NOT HER, I feel a tad sick. What’s worse is that – as per the Lance logic rule – not a single character has told him he’s become a creepy git. I actually felt a little sorry for BS because psychologically hounding a person isn’t right no matter who you’re hounding.

Plus, you know, BS is a sadistic serial killer and Laurel, for all her faults - for being selfish, for suffering from such extreme tunnel vision that she often disregarded the people around her and for the way she put people on pedestals that she herself couldn’t stand on (KC actually said this about LL) - wasn’t.

So what is it that Quentin is trying to accomplish?

The best possible answer to this would be that he wants her to - like Helena who isn’t close to BS level crazy - repent and pay for crimes, to aim for goodness.

Horrifyingly I don’t think that’s the case (unless he knows something we don’t and ‘seeing his daughter in her eyes’ is not one of those things). I hope it is…

But what does this mean?

The scene at the end of 6.13, with Quentin and BS in the car was chilling because, more than it showing how very much BS didn’t want to be there, the moment made me see Quentin in a mentally unstable way. Though it might be a hope too far to reach, I’m hoping there’s something in this past his desperation to save the look-a-like of his daughter.

Because, you see; he didn’t treat Laurel the way he should have at times. This is all guilt fuelled. He loved his daughter. If it was just grief, he wouldn’t be doing it like this. Or at all. But his guilt and desperation led him on a mission. He wants to save her soul. But you can’t save a person who doesn’t want to be saved. Narratively speaking anyway. Knowing the changeability of the writers in regards to the Lance, she’ll have gone through a 180 change by the next one, but they know – as well as we do – that KC is best as a villain so, what’s going on?

I’m almost intrigued. BUT. If this is all the storyline Quentin is going to get, then he might as well go off with Donna into the sunset. Or have BS kill him out of irritation. Really, what a waste.

And believe it or not, I mean this for both Quentin and BS.

In Greek and Roman mythos, sirens are dangerous creatures that lure sailors with their singing to shipwreck and often, kill them. Everything about them is supposed to de seductive, from their voice, to their faces and their talents and… that wasn’t really what we’ve been shown so far, save for ONE scene. Wouldn’t it have been thrilling to have a villain who looks the spit of a dead friend but who goes about twisting men around her finger before killing them? I would have had her go after Felicity too, because they were great in their face-off 5.10.

And Quentin? There was one other, very small element to season 6 that made me happy for him. He and Oliver have stepped into the light together. He stood by him as a father figure at his wedding. PROGRESSION that was immediately destroyed soon afterwards.

Now, I will never undermine loss. And a parent’s loss (like a child’s) is vastly different from any other. A parent, who loves their children, should never have to outlive a child they have raised. If they do, how unimaginable must it be for them to loose a chunk of their hearts like that? So, in a very real sense I can’t empathise with Quentin about his loss. I can believe it might unhinge him and therefore make him attempt to do the things he normally wouldn’t. In one form or another, he’s lost both daughters. Maybe he’s just cracked in half.

I find it interesting however, that they (the writers, producers, show runners etc) give Quentin this latitude, but Oliver - who has systematically lost his father, Shado, Slade, island woman with bad acting, Tommy, his mother, his sister (who was in a coma without hope of recovery) and, emotionally for a time, Felicity - hasn’t.

Thea too, who’s lost almost as much.

In the crossover, there was a brief scene between Oliver and the evil version of Tommy, where Oliver DID try to make him see the light. But the way they filmed it, felt more like he was saying ‘you can change. You can try to be good, like my Tommy was. In this earth, we were best friends who both loved the same woman and you died for that woman. Don’t let what’s happened to your home, happen here.’ It’s very close to Quentin’s actions but it’s also vastly different.

Quentin is trying – hard – to convince BS that she IS his daughter. That she has her personality. That BS is as good as LL was, baffling regardless of her actions. That she can kill and defile his daughter’s reputation, because she IS his daughter.

How does one transfer real emotion onto a stranger and smile about it Quentin?

But, since Arrow doesn’t always hit the nail on the head, chances are this is viewed as Ok behaviour. …Which means I’m probably not going to get what I want.

I’m not even saying that BS can’t be redeemed, but to do it like this? Who says she can’t suddenly WANT to be good - she’d have to go to great lengths to make us understand how she could take deep, obvious pleasure in murdering a person yet want to be good after so much not good and good luck with that - for herself.

To make it about LL and NOT about BS eradicates BS’s identity, which is what bothers me about KC’s fans. They really don’t care at all about her character: they just want her on screen as much as possible. And since almost every comment about her focuses on a particular comic romance that has been dead on the show since S2, I can see it reflected in the writers - though they are being kinder than most think - investment in this character and why it hasn’t travelled beyond Quentin in season 6.

I didn’t want Quentin defined by BS. Just as I didn’t want BS defined by the two things that LL was defined by.

Her family. The Past.

Now... we all know that, to some degree, Lance is going to get what he wants because, I think this is his way to healing. It’s deeply disturbing and about 100 degrees opposite what I wanted to see from him. 

He feels that if he saves this version of his daughter, then he can move on but, unfortunately, doing so means projecting LL onto BS and it’s clear the writers are going with that for now. Doesn’t mean she’s redeemed. it does mean she has Quentin in her corner.

And because she does... because she has information... he’s going to drag OTA into it... and this will set off a Dinah shaped bomb with attack dog and whatever the frack Curtis is at them and this will be the end of any hope in reconciliation between the two teams.

Seriously.

And, with the way the newbies have been behaving the last few episodes, I won’t even be sorry.

Remember Rene broke the trust first and Oliver responded badly. But then as if to prove Oliver right, Rene makes damn sure he knows he can’t be depended on... and blames Oliver. Every episode since, where Oliver offered an olive branch, they basically threw it in his face. Now they through digs - no honour or respect or maturity. OF COURSE BS WILL BE USED TO MAKE THIS WORSE.

LL, BS - whichever form of the same woman appears, you can bet Quentin will do something where he aims for peace but causes destruction. Or he aims for justice and gets everyone hurt.

If they do redeem her, she needs to do time for her crimes, which are large. And they start where? E2. If it happens, then I’d have her go back to E2 and redeem. But I really wanted a villain. I honestly don’t see how they could convince me of anything else.

No, they are not setting her up to become BC - no matter how far Dinah sinks, she’ll still be BC. That’s not what they’re doing.

But who knows, maybe they won’t. Maybe she’ll be consistent for once, and prove that she loves the way she is and won’t change because of the look-a-like of her father and she wins there. Unlike Quentin, she sees a man who looks and sounds like her father but she is under no delusion of who he is. It’s why she’s been able to hurt him.

And we’re only up to episode 13 *rubs hands together* - I may sound all sorts of confused and negative with the above SL but it doesn’t mean I’m not invested. I want to see what they do with this but depending on how it’s handled, will mean whether I give even a small crap about Quentin in the future. 

[paw-patrol-kiddo]

2017 for my regressive side

Well guys, this is it; we’re really already at the end of 2017! Hard to believe, ain’t it? Well, I normally don’t do year review thingies, bu’ I figured I should probably do one this year, mostly cause this year’s been the best out of all the years of my life- and that’s saying a lot. I mostly wanna cover what this year has held for my regressive side, also with bits of stuff that happened in my big girl life!

If ya want, I’d love if ya made one of these posts about what this year held for your regressive side and you tagged me in it! Chances are, I’ll be reading it and replying very quickly! 

Anyways, time for the year review! It begins below the cut!

This year’s held a lot of things for my regressive side; a lot more than the previous years. I’m going to try and cover everything, for every month of the year!

January held my fifteenth birthday and also marked four years since I started liking diapers nonstop again, which ultimately led to me beginning to age regress. I discovered that it seems my regressive side is most active this month, something that’s really helpful to know for obvious reasons. I attempted to indulge in my regressive side discreetly to cope with stress, as I was still hiding this whole thing at the time and seldom spoke about it to Kaiya, my younger sister. I also remember that the month before, I stopped identifying as a chireb, and was trying to find a new label for myself, but was failing. This was frustrating to me.

I don’t really remember a whole lot about February! Not much that I can note, that is. Thinking about it, this month is kinda a blurry, confusing mess if that says anything; I just can’t remember a whole lot from it! I think either this month or the month after was when I gave up on finding a label and just settled on the generic age regressor term.

March held quite a bit of things for my big girl side; I began playing baseball, got my own room at last, and mourned the loss of a big part of my preteen and early teenagehood when Club Penguin shut down. Even with more privacy for my regressive side and my life in general, I mostly forgot about my regressive side around this time and moved on with my life.

April doesn’t hold a lot of notable things for agere, either. I do know that starting four months before, I started feeling other ages in my identity (I feel all the ages I regress to in my identity. Like, I feel like them and at times, that for example, I’m a 7-year-old trapped in a teenager’s body. It’s not a fun feeling) and I accepted two without a problem (10 and 11), but I continued to deny and push aside another age I felt, thinking it seemed too young. After all, I was content with my youngest being two-years-old; or so I thought.

I wanna say May started getting a bit tough. As the spring season of baseball drew closer to the end, of course, my regressive side began trying to rise from the depths. The little girl inside me wanted attention and more space. She couldn’t keep sitting back and hiding forever.

The most I could do for my little self was watch toddler and little kid shows in private, play with my toys, play children’s games online, and color. Not a whole lot, clearly, and I was still self-conscious of a lot of this. I am sure this is the time where I began feeling trapped regarding all of this. 

June began to show signs of easier times. Baseball finally ended for the summer, which of course, led to the “Well dang; what am I gonna do with my life til the fall season?” moment. My regressive side, of course, took the wheel for most of the summer at this point. Hiding this was becoming very hard; I had to find some way to cope, some way to be open, anything. My little side could hardly take it anymore; this month or the next month marked four years since she first stepped into my life and you can only hide yourself for so long before it becomes too much (I had been making an effort to hide for a year or two before then).

Towards the end of the month, I finally reluctantly accepted the fact I seemed to regress to age 1 and 4 days later, I finally gathered the courage to make this blog, something I had thought about for a year, but could never do it. I told myself if I regretted it, I could just delete it, no problem; that was what I was expecting I’d end up doing. 

But instead, with a place I could be little, the trapped feeling began to ease. I was scared, of course, but also relieved and very happy. In fact, I was so happy that when I went to the bathroom shortly after a brief flood-reblog, I had to happy stim for a minute or two before I could actually do what I came in there for. I gave Mom and Kaiya the link to this blog. I’m sure making this blog is one of the best decisions I’ve made this year- and I’ve made a lot.

Making the blog reminded of my love for diapers, which brought back a memory of when Mom sneakily bought some for me the summer before. Talking about it here was really hard at first and took a lot of courage, but if you can’t tell, I can do it without flinching or hesitating now. After a quick chat with Mom, I decided at last, I’d finally try them whenever Dad left the house for a few hours (shout-out to the anon who sent that ask after I posted about it, you’re amazing and I hope you had a wonderful year. We need more people like you. Also, I started happy stimming when I reread the ask before linking it here).

Also, I rediscovered Small Elephant (I received the lil guy as a gift a year before and played with him once, but never got too attached to him) around this time and idk what exactly happened or how it did, but apparently, I ended up attached to him and I still am. He’s my lil vacation/severe weather evacuation buddy now.

July was a blast! I finally tried out my diapers shortly after Dad left to help out at a vape and tattoo shop he volunteers at and by the time I finally changed out of my first diaper, I had officially decided I was wearing them for the rest of my life (not as in 24/7, but... I’m sure ya know what I mean). The only problem is that because I was used to seeing what all the a/b/d/l community advertised, I ended up developing a rash the second time I wore and had to learn how to take care of myself properly mostly by myself with the occasional help from Mom and the internet (and literally now is when I see everyone from that community talking about the proper way to do things...).

The day I tried diapers out, I tried out regressing to age 1 to see how I’d like it and well, the rest is history. ;) 

Kai relearned of the diapers this month (read it once somewhere on my blog according to Mom, then I had to tell her about a sample pack on the way, and then Mom had to have a conversation with her about it in the car when they were the only ones in there) and said she was cool with it and briefly even began joking about the whole age regression thing (in a friendly way, mind you).

I told Kim, my older sister, about my regression, and she took it wonderfully, of course. I also told a friend of mine about my regression and liking of diapers, who also took it just fine and showed a lot of support for it. 

I began to indulge more and more into this and I even had a friend who also age regressed by the end of this month (Rayyyyyyy~). 

I went to Florida with Mama, Kai, and a former (? I don’t even know anymore, honestly) friend of Mama’s and it held some interesting adventures there, too! I took Small Elephant places, regressed at the beach twice (@ Kai, psst. Remember when I trapped you in that hug and almost sunk us into the ocean? Well, there’s your reason why), got a Winnie the Pooh book from Goodwill, and indulged in some tasty smiley fries one afternoon! Clearly, this month is one of the best for my age regression. The little girl inside was happy; I was no longer feeling trapped.

August was pretty wild. Small Elephant came with me to Georgia; I don’t think he got to come along on any adventures outdoors, however. I got a jack-in-the-box style toy with a mama kangaroo and her baby joey inside. I also regressed at some point at our cabin and enjoyed running around outside just before a storm blew through. Mom chose to tell someone about my age regression without my permission (talk about a thought to occupy yourself down the lengthy lazy river) and thankfully, that person was fine with it. I was thinking about telling her not too long before, funny enough. I’d prefer permission and a warning before telling someone, though, aha.

I got two “0+ months” pacifiers that month from Mom and literally spent 2 hours sucking on them, save for when I briefly stopped to switch; needless to say, my TMJ relapsed very quickly after around six months of absence of symptoms, aha.

My ex broke up with me (I got with him back in May), despite promising that no breakup would happen 3 days before. This was mostly a good thing, though; no more worrying about how and when to tell him about the diapers and age regression! I’ve been single since and content with it. The thought of telling my future boyfriend(s) this is terrifying, but maybe he’ll be fine with it. Maybe I’ll even meet someone who also likes diapers (nonsexually, mind you) and age regresses as well! I imagine that’s a once in a blue moon thing, though.

We also told Dad about my regression and he took it fine, something that surprised me, as I was genuinely not expecting it. Mom didn’t tell him a lot and eventually, decided to back off for a bit temporarily after mentioning that I “liked to act like a 7/5-year-old sometimes” and that I liked pacifiers and wanted one (this was after I got mine). According to Mom, he didn’t respond to the pacifiers thing and honestly, it’s still kinda scary (if it’s the no reply I think it is, I got him to do it back in October and it’s really unsettling). I don’t know what it means and I don’t think I want to know. He still doesn’t know about the pacifiers to this day. It’s wild.

September held its own adventures. I finally rediscovered an old bag of Mom’s (I mostly remember it because she had it when I was an ‘’actual’’ toddler) and what’s inside? A baby bottle I held on to for three years from when my parents had me treat Puzzle Piece as if he were a baby, thinking it’d rid of my age regression tendencies (if anything, I think this just fed it tbh). I planned to wash it and perhaps try it out or look into a new one.

This also held a notable visit from my older sister. She was told about my liking of diapers and you probably guessed it, her response was coming to my room (I panicked and ran away while she was on the way to the living room after Mom called her in there), giving me a hug, and saying, “I love and support you no matter what you do”. My sisters are great if you can’t tell, and I also mean that outside of agere.

The night before the diaper reveal, Mom noticed me lying on Kim while she rocked the recliner one evening and Mom offered to rock me someday while Dad was gone, something I accepted pretty quickly. I got Mom to rock me for the first time ever two days later. Mom also told me that Dad was fine with the rocking, hence why I was rocked literally right next to him at some point, and he even said he could rock me someday. I don’t think I could do that, though; age regression related stuff is really hard to do around him, and I’d be too worried about his back (he has a bad back).

That month, the day before the rocking part took place, I finally gathered the courage to actually refer to her as “Mommy” on here, along with “Daddy” for Dad. It honestly feels so good to do. I just find it sad I was so scared to use those words at first thanks to the kink/sters. I refer to those two regularly by those titles, mostly to try and reclaim those words as innocent, pure words I call my parents occasionally, rather than terms that are tainted with reminders of ki/nk. Mommy’s easier to use, because I’m closer to Mom than Dad (as of late, that is), and also because “Mommy” isn’t as corrupted as “Daddy”.

I got a Pooh Bear sleeper the day of my second baseball game of the fall season. It’s soft and it makes me feel like a toddler; the only problem is that it’s so easy to overheat in it (which really sucks because I’m hypersensitive to heat and can’t handle getting really hot) and sleepers take up a lot of room in a dresser.

Oh, and this month, Mom called me a nick name she uses for me quite a bit now; “My baby”. Out of all the nicknames I know, I never thought of that. I still melt when she calls me it tbh.

October was a mix, really. I don’t remember a whole lot involving this, really. Rocked by Mom again, got another sleeper, and witnessed Kaiya prove that she was okay with the whole diaper thing by insisting she was fine with it, actually going to the adult diaper aisle with us at Wal-Mart (she stayed a bit away from us, though), and when the cashier bagged the diapers up, she moved so dang fast and had them hidden in no time. I know this because I watched her load other stuff into the cart and she was much more relaxed. I did see her look into the cart at some point before we went to check-out, so perhaps she memorized what the package looked like so she could hide them? Idk if she remembers it or if she’d even want to talk about it, so... Who knows

Towards the end of the month, something began happening. I don’t know what, but it eventually led to me becoming depressed again for a little while, but we’ll discuss that in a few minutes. I discovered I was so indulged in my regression I actually forgot aspects of myself and chose to take a break for a week the next month. I came back feeling better about agere and somewhat better about myself in general. I still don’t understand what happened, but it hasn’t happened again since. Hopefully, it’ll never happen again.

November was a pretty miserable month for me tbh. Has a few good or at least neutral parts, mostly in the beginning, of course. One of these is that I discovered that I can go so deep into my baby mindset (I refer to my 1-year-old self as a baby for brevity) that I’ll chew on things without a thought and well, perhaps that other part’s a bit tmi. I also finally tried out my bottle one evening; very comforting and relaxing.

In the middle of the month, I struggled with accepting that perhaps I did need meds after all (spoiler: I definitely need them) and stress from this, a fixation on childhood trauma, and chores, which were gradually becoming stressful instead of enjoyable, began building up. I began to fall back into a depression, something I was in denial about the entire time.

It was this time that I noticed I was having a harder time regressing, something that was terrifying to me. I was scared that perhaps my regressive side was going dormant; one of my biggest fears is that I stop regressing for good and I was scared that was what was about to happen. That was, until one night, I had an involuntary episode briefly. I didn’t think much of it and went on with my night as normal once it concluded. I don’t know why I didn’t become concerned; involuntary episodes are rare for me, after all. But then, I thought I was about to have a block, so I guess that’s why I thought nothing of it.

I tried my best to cope with everything, but it was futile. One night, just witnessing the dog we were dog-sitting have an accident and having to take all three by myself while they all cried and tried to get out just made me snap, I guess. I fell deeper into my depression, began craving to be an actual baby/young toddler again for the first time in a couple of years, and briefly began having involuntary regression episodes every night. Wearing a diaper to bed and having Small Elephant with me every night for a couple of nights, drinking from my bottle one night, spending more time with my pacifiers, and easing up on everything I could helped pull me out of it.

I still don’t understand what exactly happened, but I hope it never happens again. Also, I guess this confirms that I have involuntary regression episodes when I’m overly stressed. Hopefully the next time this happens, my regressive side will keep me afloat, like it always has.

December was pretty good! I got rocked again by Mom while I was being bottlefed by her, got a new bottle and a toddler snack, and got more toddler snacks later on that day (again, Kaiya moved them to another bag quickly before Mom gave me the bag with them inside). Dad learned about the bottles and snacks and thankfully, is alright with it. I wish it was the same way with diapers. He still doesn’t know about me wearing diapers behind his back, as you probably guessed, and it will stay that way for a while. 

I think I kinda cheated another depressive episode, but? It never came. I was just really grumpy and easily upset for a while, to the point of punching my bed and stomping, which I hardly do (heck, I still am as of right now, but it’s calmed down some). I wish whatever my brain’s doing would stop, because it’s getting rather annoying and I’d rather not spend any longer whining frequently and worrying about getting upset to the point of punching or kicking my closet door off its hinges or something. :’)

Christmas was great; I mostly got big girl gifts (see: My new camera) or at least neutral gifts (see: My stim toys and maybe my Pikachu necklace), but I did get a few things that appealed to my regressive side, like a set of five different Paw Patrol puzzles, a penguin plushie with my name written on its tummy (glitter and everything!), and an Animal Jam playset thing!

To end this year off, I got a sippy cup, one of my most-wanted regression items around that time. Now, if only I could actually bring myself to wash my bottle and sippy cup in the dishwasher (they’re top rack safe)... I guess I can start off the new year washing them after I listen to Bring Me to Life or maybe while I’m listening to it, hee hee hee.

As you can see, I had a pretty wild year full of adventures and experiences! You know what? Why don’t I mention some folks who played a role in making this year the best?

Mom - Mom, I think you know how you’ve helped. You’re literally a big aspect in this post. When I was 12, I thought I’d never have your support about all of this, but now, here we are. You’re my mommy and I’m your baby and I always will be. I love you.

Kai - Sis, I think you see your role here, too. I thought you’d never support me, either, but here we are. Thank you for being cool with the diapers and everything else and always being respectful about it. I love you. Also, sorry for almost drowning us that time

Kim - You don’t get on Tumblr anymore, but I figured you deserved your own spot here, anyways. You haven’t gotten to see a lot, but you’ve still been very supportive of all this. Thank you for being fine with it and loving me for who I am, no matter what I choose to do. I love you. Also, I still can’t get over the fact that you seemed to do so good with little me that one time and you didn’t even know I was regressed at the time and you literally treat me how you treated regressed me all the time, but I still can’t get over it

Ray - You were my first friend who also age regressed. Tbh, I’ve admired ya from afar for like, a year before we started talking, but I was always scared to talk to ya. Thank you for being so supportive, helping me out and offering help for things occasionally. Also, thank you again for the regression moodboard ya made in the past for me! I still think about it a lot, and have looked at it so much that I’m pretty sure I have it ingrained into my brain.

Bug - We haven’t known each other for long, but I wanted to say thank you for taking an interest in me and being my friend. You’re adorable and so sweet (and so is your fursona. I love seeing other people’s fursonas, ahhh). My bumblebee plushie told me to tell you he said hi~

Leah - We haven’t known each other for long, either, but you’ve been so sweet to me the entire time we have. Thank you for the times you’ve checked on me when I didn’t seem to be doing so well. We need more people like you. Honestly, your kindness is goals for me; I’m always wanting to be kind at all times and you’ve got that perfect amount, it seems.

All my other followers - I can’t list all of y’all, so I figured y’all should get your own honorable mention in one go~ Some of you I’ve known almost as long as this blog has been around (6 months!), some of you I’ve only recently gotten to know. I don’t know why y’all followed me, but I appreciate it. Thank y’all for following me, sticking around, and just being all-around cool. Y’all are adorable and lovely and I love y’all (and so is everyone else who got a specific mention. Yes, I love you guys, too).

I think 2017 is the best year for my age regression by far and the best year of my life in general. I’ve learned things, laughed, cried, shook from excitement and fear, grinned, and stimmed in many different ways for many different emotions. I can finally be myself without feeling as much shame. An autistic, ADHD teenage girl who is occasionally in diapers and often feels more like a little girl than a teenager sure is an interesting thing to be, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I don’t know what 2018 could bring, but I am ready for whatever it throws at me, whether it be pie (fun fact: I have never eaten pie before), problems with other people about this, or a pack of diapers.

To all my fellow age regressors, I hope 2018 brings you lots of happiness, acceptance for who you are by others and yourself, and anything you may want for your regressive side, whether it be more toys, a sippy cup, or a lot of marathons for your favorite cartoon/anime/TV show. Even if it’s hard for you right now, it will get easier; I promise.

Happy new year!! Stay little/tiny/smol.

[rosiedoestumblr]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

I did this last year and I am really struggling to write anything at the moment, so I decided to review again, in the hope of getting motivated.

List of works published this year (from oldest to latest):

1. Teenage Vow In A Parking Lot (01.01.17) 2. The World’s Not Waiting (For Joe Trohman To Stop Being A Pussy And Start Going For What He Wants) (Two chapters posted.) 3. Fear of the Dark (One part posted.) 4. How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful (HB3) 5. Various parts of the microfic!verse.

Work you are most proud of (and why): 

I guess it would be HB3, because it was the only one I finished, but truth be told, I’ve never felt like it was the story it could have been had I not written it as part of the BBB, and I was so committed to finishing it that I literally gave up on everything else to get it done for the deadline. I mean, literally, the gym, taking care of the garden, my spiritual study, all of it took a backseat to get that story done. It was phenomenally dispiriting to see how little interest the final work received.

In a way, though, it did act as a surrogate for one of the fics I’ve been wanting to write for a long time, studying the end of the hiatus and the band getting back together, and their motivations - how it all fell apart. That part I’m proud of, for sure.

Work you are least proud of (and why):

Probably TWNW, because I’ve had about half of chapter 23 half written since the summer and I’ve done basically nothing with it. It’s at a really important stage and this chapter is critical, but I just can’t get into it.

A favorite excerpt from your writing:

I’m my own worst critic, so this is really hard.

I think the opening couple of hundred words of HB3, in which the scene is set and Joe witnesses the spaceships passing overhead, is pretty evocative. It’s too long to post here.

I actually wrote a few nice bits in the micro!fic meme, which I should probably ull together and turn into a real story. Here’s a bit from the day on Warped when Joe’s friend died, back home.

Light was slicing through the curtain on the side of Patrick’s bunk, when it happened. Joe was spooned behind him, wedged between the blacked out bus window and Patrick, his face propped on one folded arm, the other tucked around Patrick’s belly - not asleep, just drowsing, not ready to climb out of their little cocoon, yet. It felt comfortable, now. It had taken a couple of weeks to settle into it - to realise this was really okay and nobody else even cared what they were doing, because half of them were wasted or up to no good with their own messes - but now they were getting into the habit, it was easy and he was happy and it felt like nothing could go wrong.

The two-tone ring of Joe’s phone made him groan wearily and sit up to fumble at the foot of the twin mattress, where it had been kicked sometime during the night. Patrick shuffled to lie back against the pillow and watch him, grinning drowsily, rubbing his fingers where Joe’s farmer’s tan circled his arm.

He was barely listening to what Joe was saying, or the faintly distorted voice on the line, but he was watching his face and he saw the moment he heard it. For an instant, Joe’s face crumpled and he curled his fingers into his hair with a small, choking splutter. And then it was gone again in a shaky breath and a nod that the person on the end of the line wouldn’t see.

Instinctively, Patrick sat up, knowing something was terribly wrong.

Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

I honestly haven’t had millions of posted comments and many of the ones I received were fairly concise, a lot of the feedback I received was on works by betas, as works in progress.

Someone naming themselves Lola000 was very sweet and came out of lurkerdom to tell me how much they liked my writing on HB3, which was lovely and truly meant a lot. Any time someone tells you that your writing moved them to say something when they usually wouldn’t is hugely flattering.

A time when writing was really, really hard:

Writing HB3 was unbelievably hard, but it got even harder after a friend and beta suddenly ghosted on me. There were certain circumstances on her side, which are possibly part of the reason, but one day she simply stopped replying. I know she’s alive and well, so no need to worry about that, but I just don’t know what happened. That was extremely hard for me, both as a writer and emotionally, as a friend. I generally work closely with betas, and that’s how we were working at the time - mutually, each supporting through our own work - so to lose that consistent voice and understanding was insanely stressful. I was really lucky to have a couple of friends who stepped in late in the day ( @alberyeol , @andsoshepaints ), otherwise I don’t think that story would have been finished at all. I genuinely considered backing out.

I think writing that fic in those circumstances and the subsequent quiet really affected my confidence. I’ve struggled to write anything at all, since.

It sounds stupid, I know, but I just feel kind of lost.

A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I don’t know that things surprised me too much, but I have found some of the things - the interpretations of events around the hiatus - in HB3 really interesting in how they unfolded. It felt a bit like being a forensic expert unpicking the events leading up to a plan crash or a murder.

How did you grow as a writer this year?:

I don’t think I did. I think I made a lot of progress last year and this year I’ve regressed a bit, because I’ve not written as much or as diversely as I should have.

How do you hope to grow next year?:

Much as I said last year, I don’t really think in those terms, but if I write more next year than I did this year, I think that would be a good place to start.

Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

For the time that she was there, the friend betaing HB3 was incredibly influential. There’s nothing more useful as a writer than someone understanding your vision and helping you work out the details.

It has been a long while, but aside from the lovely @alberyeol, @awake-atnight and @astershowers, provided a lot of feedback on the long distance fic I was working on (still trying) and in particular Michelle’s comments on TWNW were so motivating. It’s so deeply valuable to have someone so invested in your work.

Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

I think some of the description of Joe’s depression in TWNW was drawn from personal experience.

I’m sure there were little observations that cropped up, but I can’t recall what those were off the top of my head.

Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

I don’t really read much fic, so it’s hard to know what advise writers about, other than the generic writing tips anyone could give and which I wrote last year. The main one, always, is GET A BETA. Trust me, you will not believe how useful it is.

Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I really want to progress TWNW to the next phase of the story. It has so much left to unpack and it has taken so long to get this far. 

The long-distance fic, The World Is A Vampire, I feel most inclined to work on at the moment - I love the feel of that fic - I just need to get it back in the swing, because I think it’s a bit different to what others might expect from fic, and it’s very much a story about grown ups.

Fear of the Dark has one more part to come (although I’m starting to regret limiting myself to four) and I want to get that done soon, I just need to unravel what I want to do with the final part.

The Kissfic is adorable and still needs working on, I just need to find the time and motivation to get on with it, because drunk dialling will be hilarious.

I promised more Moving Pictures ficlets, last year, and I didn’t really deliver at all, so I do want to get some more of that done. I think it would be really interesting to see Patrick’s perspective on some of what has happened in TWNW, so far.

I’m also tempted to turn the micro!fic into a real fic, but it could overlap with later TWNW stuff and I want to save my best Warped Tour for that.

Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

Last year, @swiss-army-romance tagged me, and their work is always outstanding. I’ve been meaning to read their BBB fic for months.

I’d also like to see @thislossofsleep and @fixme-in-fortyfive, who I’ve helped with some works this year, go through these questions and to read their views. :)

[thebottomoftheapple]

Hello Again

Yes, it’s been over a year again.

I’m not going to stress myself but I do really want to write more. I feel like when I wrote more consistently, I was happier, overall. Or maybe I’m just really sad right now and have been for a while but it’s all just coming out now. I haven’t really cried like this honestly since maybe when I graduated, which I didn’t think was that bad. A few months earlier I think I cried even more when my “London Boyfriend” broke up with me (IDR if i ever mentioned him before but it’s too irrelevant at this point so). ANYWAY yes there’s a new boy involved too but I’m not sad because of him...I think..but i do think he brought out all of this.. or maybe he’s just the last person I wad with and everything’s finally catching up to me (We’ll talk about him later).

So I’m finally going to Atlanta. But let’s recap the last year first.

(I haven’t read my last post bc I cannot rn) Last year I was still freelancing at NowThis and was planning on leaving to ATL in the spring/summer... but then they offered me a full time job and I took it. I wouldn’t say I regret it because I did learn a lot and saved a good amount of money. But i would say it attributed to this stagnant discontent-ness that I’ve been masking by going on vacations, getting drinks and going out with friends, and talking to Milton. I haven’t fully felt like myself in a while and it sucks because I feel like I’ve personally regressed. Like being abroad, my summer in ATL and I suppose graduating were great high points for me. I was excited, eager, and for the most part fulfilled. Obviously, life wasn’t perfect back then but ever since being back home I feel like I’ve been pretending to be all those things I used to be.. with distractions. But now I’m FINALLY changing things up and doing what I think is best for me.. and I’m scared. It’s not just the fact that I’m leaving all my friends and family behind (which is much bigger than I thought it was), it’s also the fear of failure, of making the wrong choice, of making a good choice for right now but maybe not for the long term. I’m scared. Of being alone, of making mistakes. But I’m also excited (lol 😭) to just go. The sadness really hits when I’m up alone all night, like I literally feel helpless cause I’ve been doing this for too long. But hopefully this will go away once I get down there and I pray they’ll have work for me much sooner rather than later once I’m there. But because I have some family there it shouldn’t be too bad, right? I think I am really excited though, eager to start - yeah it’s the uncertainty too that’s wearing down on me. Once I start that first gig, I know everything will be sweet. I just have to be patient *sigh* but also fill up my time somehow. 🙄

Sooooo I guess I can go into Milton now... yes, that Milton 😂. It’s really crazy because I’m still unsure on how I exactly I feel, but I know I do really care about him. So it started when I went up to cuse for Mayfest weekend. Basically he invited me over to smoke and I was off the molly lmao so I was chattin’ about everything and anything when I was with him. He subtly tried to make moves but I was dismissing them because it’s Milton... and what happened early... But then he kissed me and I liked it and the rest is history... LOLJK but we’ve been talking since (I’ve concluded I only like to guys who don’t live near me bc......). In the beginning it was fun, good sex, and someone nice to talk to and if I’m being honest I never really saw him as someone I’d want to be with seriously, partially for shallow reasons but also we spent like a whole week together and by the end of it I felt like we were an old married couple, like we loved each other but didn’t like each other. And i thought I shouldn’t feel like this with someone I’m not even in a relationship with... but this weekend kinda felt like that again. Like I was cleaning up like I was his wife and he was just watching tv. But this time it felt a little more right, normal? Maybe I keep getting these inklings because they’re tapping into the future? or past? In another dimension?I don’t know, it’s weird. But he really opened up to me more than he has before (which has been a lot!) And I just tried to console him you know, but then I started crying in the middle of the night..... and after he left, I cried when he facetimed me, and I cried some more after I hung up. And I’m tearing up thinking about it now (UGH). But yeah now I really don’t know how to feel about him, since I’m leaving. It’ll probably be like how it was with every other boy, sad for a bit but then I’ll meet someone knew and pretty much forget about them. Or maybe we’ll get married in 10 years, who knows. I want to get a tarot card reading done (lmao that’s a random sidetrack). No but he’s actually really great like from all the boys I’ve talked to, he’s been the most genuine and that’s something I’ve always wanted and whether it’s with me or not, I truly do wish him the best in the future.

And so speaking of this weekend, I had my goodbye party 😂It wasn’t what I pictured it to be like but I still think it was successful. The whole thing went by super quick for me because I was too busy making sure everything was going right: with the decorations, and the food, and DJ, and pictures, and money and wristbands, and just making sure everyone was having a good time. I was def overwhelmed but I think everyone had a good time. I got lit and had fun so that’s all I could ask for (except for it being cheaper ughhhhh but whatever it’s over now, I’m never doing that again until I’m big ballin’ then YES). Turnout could’ve been a little better toooo lol but I think that sums up how many and who really fucks with me so it’s fitting 😌My squadrin got me an amazingggg care package with polaroids, snacks, other things I love, and handwritten letters 😢, which I haven brought myself to read yet. But they are so amazing, literally the best people ever, all things considered, they are the best! And then I spent the next couple nights with Milton, where he gave me a super sweet gift as well! A gopro type of camera, ugh he’s so sweet. 

And now the party and party planning is over and there’s nothing left but to leave (and Max & Nat’s Bday party). So I’m here, home alone, sad lmao and i hit my fucked up nail again and now it’s hanging on for dear life and IDK what to do, I’m so upsetttttt lmaooo this would happen to me, Karen put this omen on me smh. ANYWAY I’m glad I decided to write again. I do feel better, just like I did before. I want to continue writing, maybe monthly. And to help me do this I’m going to set monthly goal(s). For January I’ll be lite:

Throw my going away party (done lol)

Drive down to Tio Edwin’s house

Work on my first of many projects in ATL

I’ll let you know how everything goes next month! (or sooner 😉)

- XOXO KIKIPALMTREE

[agerefandom]

Safety In Numbers

Fandom: Be More Chill (the musical)

Characters: Rich & Jeremy-centric, with Michael, Christine, and Jake.

Words: 2,100

Summary: The kids from Be More Chill become friends, slowly but surely. Jeremy starts getting closer to Rich and finds out that he regresses.

Warnings: Bit of an angsty fic! With a happy ending, of course. Mentions of bad parents and unsafe households. Nightmares and stress-regression. One cuss word. Typed baby-talk.

Note: The prompt asked for cg!Jeremy with regressor!Rich and Jake. I only filled about half of the prompt because I’ve never written for BMC before and needed to do some world-building, so please remind me to write a part two when I open requests again! I’ve got a bit of a to-do list so I’m only writing this stand-alone for the moment, but I hope you enjoy, and I look forward to writing the rest!

After everything that happened, it was only natural for the five of them to become friends.

Jeremy shared a room with Rich and Jake in the hospital, and both Michael and Christine came to visit them regularly. At first, Michael came to sit with Jeremy, but eventually he would come and pull up a chair between the beds, chatting with all of them and pulling out his phone to show them all the latest hot meme.

Eventually, they returned to school to finish the year. No one really knew what had happened, but most people seemed to blame Jeremy. With Rich on the outs after the fire, and Jake unable to play football during his recovery period, the five of them formed an alliance of convenience, protecting each other from the alternating teasing and cold shoulders. They ate lunch together, walked to classes together, and kept an eye out for each other after school.

Slowly, what began as a survival strategy became a genuine friendship.

They all liked video games, as it turned out, although their tastes were drastically different. Soon their lunchtimes were consumed by arguments about console and PC games, arcade favourites and foreign imported games. Michael would get so worked up he would stand on his chair, and the others would pull him back down, laughing. Christine would gesture so wildly that she hit Jeremy in the face and get completely derailed by apologizing. Jeremy was hesitant at first, but eventually he was as loud as any of them, coming to the defense of Michael’s obsession with 8-bit games and arguing for the artistic integrity of the vintage aesthetic as Christine and Rich both scoffed at him.

It all worked in a way that Jeremy had never expected. He found himself hardly noticing the stares in the hallway, or the self-deprecating whispers in his head, when he was walking hand-in-hand with Christine, or Michael, or any of their friends. They had formed a closed circle together, with the rest of the world locked out, and that felt fine. It felt safe.

Jeremy felt like he knew everything about Michael, but he was still learning more every day. He got to know the other three from week to week, piecing together their childhood stories and comments about school into a patchwork picture of who they were.

Jake was living with his aunt now, Jeremy learned. With his parents expected to face serious jail-time, the courts had given Jake the choice between emancipation or a family member willing to house Jake until his 18th birthday. Jake got along fine with his aunt, but she wasn’t exactly a mother figure. She had never planned to have kids, and treated Jake more like a younger brother. Her house was small, so they rarely spent time at Jake’s house, and Jeremy had only met his aunt once.

Jeremy had never been over to Rich’s house. Jake told them that Rich’s father was a real asshole, and Rich said that things had gotten worse since the fire. Jeremy inferred that his SQUIP had been helping to defuse things at home as well as at school, and things weren’t going as well without it. Rich was always staying over at other people’s houses, beaming when he was invited to sleep on the couch. Jeremy tried to offer as much as possible; the couch in his basement folded out into a futon, and his dad was sympathetic once Jeremy explained Rich’s home situation.

Christine’s house was by far the largest of the five, full of decorative platters and parents who kept bringing them bowls of fruit. She had an entire couch in her bedroom, and once Jake’s legs healed, they found out that all five of them could squish onto it to watch movies on a laptop. The only downside was that her dad was a light sleeper and forced them all to go home at nine pm sharp, so they more often spent time in Jeremy’s basement. Michael’s basement was fine but always dirty, and his TV wasn’t half the size of Jeremy’s.

The rest of Jeremy’s Junior year passed in a blur of homework, movie nights, ‘Game Over’ screens, and cuddle piles. He learned about each of his friends, and in learning about them he came to love them.

--

When classes ended and summer came, as humid and oppressive as ever, Rich started staying at other people’s houses more. Jeremy’s house was the safest bet because his dad never said no, and the futon was pretty comfortable. So Jeremy got used to finding Rich on his doorstep in the evening, with a hopeful grin and his backpack slung over one shoulder.

Jeremy tried to talk to him about it, but Rich always switched the subject. He wanted to play video games, or watch terrible 70s horror movies and laugh at them, or argue about comic books. Jeremy obliged, letting Rich set the rules and the pace from night to night. Rich was manic with energy some nights, whooping and cheering at the screen with every successful kill. Other nights, he slumped against Jeremy’s side with blank eyes and fell asleep as soon as the movie title came on-screen.

Some nights, Jeremy would turn off the TV and quietly wedge a pillow under Rich’s head before sneaking up to his own bed. Other nights, when the futon was already set up, Jeremy would watch the movie with Rich’s head resting on his shoulder, and fall asleep with the credits scrolling.

Often, Jeremy would wake up in the middle of the night because Rich was a pretty active sleeper, and then he would tiptoe off to his own bed to give Rich his privacy.

One night, though, Jeremy wasn’t woken up by Rich kicking his legs or rolling on top of him. He was woken up by the sound of muffled whimpers beside him, a strained sound of fear.

Disoriented, Jeremy squinted into the darkness. It took him a moment to remember that he was on the futon in the basement with Rich, and from there he knew that Rich must be having some kind of nightmare.

“Rich?” Jeremy sat up and felt blindly for his friend. “Rich, wake up.” His hand made contact with Rich’s chest and he found Rich’s shoulder, shaking him gently. “Rich, come on. Wake up, you’re having a nightmare.”

After a few long seconds of that pained whimpering, Jeremy heard Rich gasp in a deep breath and then go quiet.

“Rich?” he asked the darkness softly. “Are you awake?”

There was no response, but with the hand Jeremy still had on Rich’s shoulder, he could feel that the other boy was shaking.

“Are you okay?” Jeremy started to panic a little bit, looking around for the light switch. What if Rich was having a seizure or something, and Jeremy couldn’t see because it was dark? “Rich, are you okay?”

“Sorry,” Rich whispered. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” He kept muttering the same word quietly, his body trembling like a leaf in the wind. His voice was tired and wavering and almost unfamiliar in its tone.

“It’s okay,” Jeremy told him, and stroked his arm with a thumb in what he hoped was a calming gesture. “You don’t need to be sorry. Do you want me to go?”

Jeremy felt Rich shake his head energetically.

“Cool, I’ll stay. Do you want a hug?” Jeremy had barely finished the question when Rich was in his arms, thrown forwards at full force. Jeremy heard himself make an ‘oof’ sound but he wrapped his arms around Rich, holding him tightly in the darkness. With Rich so close, Jeremy could finally hear that he was crying, his breaths catching in quiet sobs as he clung to Jeremy.

“M’sorry,” he muttered again into Jeremy’s neck. “M’sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jeremy said. “Really, it’s okay. We all get nightmares.” He ran a hand up and down Rich’s spine, hoping to stop the shaking.

Time stretched on inside of the hug, all of Jeremy’s focus consumed by moving in a way that would calm Rich down. He didn’t know if they had been there for a minute or an hour. He rubbed circles into Rich’s back, ran his fingers through Rich’s hair, gently massaged the back of Rich’s neck. Slowly, Rich stopped shaking quite so much, and eventually the tears subsided. Jeremy’s shirt was cold and wet where Rich had been crying into his shoulder, but he tried not to shiver for fear of setting Rich off again.

Once Jeremy felt Rich’s breathing settle back to normal, he slowly loosened his arms from around Rich and sat back on the makeshift bed.

“Are you okay?” he asked again. It felt like a feeble question, but he waited for the answer.

“I- I dunno.” Rich’s voice was still high with confusion. “I dunno.”

“That’s okay.” Jeremy nodded into the darkness, even though Rich couldn’t see him. “It’s okay to be not okay, okay?” He really needed to stop saying the word ‘okay,’ it was starting to lose its meaning. “Do you want to go and get a snack, or go back to sleep?”

“Scared,” Rich whispered, his lisp heavy on the word. “Don’t wanna sleep.”

“Okay.” Again, Jeremy needed to stop saying that word, but he didn’t know what else to say. “We’ve got some ice cream in the fridge, if you want to wake up properly.”

“What kinda ice cream?” Rich’s voice sounded brighter, but it hadn’t lost that slurred, high-pitched tone.

“Same as earlier tonight, Rocky road and mint chocolate chip.”

“I like Rocky Road!” Rich said excitedly, and then Jeremy felt him curl up. “M’sorry,” he said, and then he was back to muttering the same word over and over “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Jeremy said soothingly. “It’s no trouble. Do you want me to bring the ice cream down here?” He reached out again to rub one of Rich’s shoulders, and the other boy leaned into the touch. Jeremy obediently scooted closer and wrapped an arm around Rich, squeezing him steadily. Rich melted against him, with a quiet sob.

“M’not s’pposed to be like this,” Rich whispered.

“Like what?” Jeremy asked, resting his cheek against the top of Rich’s head. Rich made a wordless sound of distress at the question and folded in on himself, hiding his head in his arms. It sounded like he was trying to talk, but only kept starting words and then giving up on them.

“It’s okay,” Jeremy said again. “I’m not mad. You’re my friend and I love you.” Those words had become easier over the months, although they still felt like a huge step every time he said them. In the darkness here, it didn’t feel as much like a risk.

“Nnn,” said Rich into his knees where he was curled up. “M’sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry.” Jeremy hoped that he wasn’t being annoying by saying the same thing over and over again, but it was all that he could think of to say. “I’m here.”

“Sorry,” Rich whispered.

“What are you sorry for?” Jeremy finally asked, trying to keep his voice gentle.

“Bein’ all dumb and small,” Rich said, sniffling a bit. “Can’t think, m’too small.” At first, Jeremy thought he was apologizing for his height, which was ridiculous. But then he started putting the pieces together. Rich’s voice, the slurred words and the confused questions. The tears, which he had never seen from Rich before. Could he mean ‘small’ in the sense of feeling like a kid?

“That’s okay,” Jeremy assured Rich, tugging him a little closer into the cuddle. “You don’t need to think, I can get us ice cream and we can put something dumb on the TV until we feel tired.”

“Don’t leave, m’sorry,” Rich said, holding on tight to Jeremy’s sleeve.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Jeremy promised, pushing his nose against Rich’s temple in an affectionate nuzzle. “I can just stay with you if you want me here.”

“Tank you,” Rich said, still holding onto to Jeremy’s sleeve as if he were going to pull away. Jeremy was relieved to hear thanks instead of apologies, this time.

“Of course,” Jeremy said, and ran a hand through Rich’s hair as the other boy slowly relaxed against him. “I love you. Of course, I’ll stay.”

“Love you too,” whispered Rich, and the two of them sat in the darkness until sleep came back for them both.

[canaryatlaw]

okay, well today was overall pretty good. I woke up to my alarm at 11 feeling still tired despite having slept for like 11 hours and spent a few minutes going in and out of sleep before making myself actually be conscious. I was supposed to have gotten an email from the firm I had an interview scheduled with for this afternoon with info but I hadn’t, so I dug up their phone number and called them, they gave me the address and confirmed it was at 2, so once that was established I started getting ready. It was actually further away from me than I thought, I thought it was pretty decently south of me but it turns out it was also quite a bit west of me, so it would definitely be a hike. but I got ready and headed out, giving myself about an hour to get there by uber and arrived right around 1:50. long drive, lots of free way. I’d heard about the area before (it’s actually what one of the big streets by me is named after) but never actually been there so I wasn’t sure what it was like, it actually qualifies as being outside of Chicago so more of a suburb really. It wasn’t a particularly nice area, typical signs of being somewhat run down. the practice is somewhat family law somewhat immigration law, which was pretty much reflected by the area. So I go in and they’re not too big on asking questions to like actually evaluate me, but mostly just talk about what the position would be, number one would be court court court, definitely in court every day which of course I’m fine with because I love court, I’ve always wanted to be an attorney who is in court every day, I couldn’t imagine it any differently. They wanted to establish a friendly atmosphere, saying they cook out a lot in the summer and such. they did want to know if I spoke Spanish, to which I said I took it in high school and am totally willing to restart studying/am a fast learner but they weren’t too concerned about it, saying for meeting at the office one of them would always be around and could translate, and for court you always need a translator anyway so that wouldn’t be an issue. At this point it sounds like they really just want someone who can do the work, which just mostly made me feel slightly nervous because I am very concerned about the whole commute issue, which we discussed, the possibility of me getting a car was definitely played up and I said I could make that happen very quickly (which is true) but it would still be a lot. As far as hours they said everyone stays till 7 two days a week, which for me would be Monday and Wednesday (which is inconvenient being that Jess has dance Tuesday and Thursday but whatever) and works one Saturday a month, which is pretty reasonable. So I left there with mixed feelings about all of it. I was going to attempt to take public transit home, but when I got to the main road that had the bus stop I realized it was under a totally different system and I had no idea if my Chicago transit card would even work, so I said fuck it and got an uber pool, even knowing it would take forever to get home it was better that dishing out another like $26 for a normal uber home. so that took a while, we went all the way east to downtown and then up north, and it was like 3:45 by the time I got home. I got out of my suit and took care of some stuff for a while and went on my computer for a bit to look at job postings and sent in some applications. There is one position I applied for that would be soooooooo perfect and I would honestly be so so happy if it came true, it’s with the legal aid organization I was interviewing with a while back for that position I didn’t think I was fully qualified for but they wanted to interview me anyway- well, that was an “Attorney II” position, this is their “Attorney I” position who is supervised by the Attorney II’s and like, I’m actually super fucking qualified for this because it still has a lot to do with getting OPs and all that stuff I can do in my sleep since I’ve been doing it for the past three years now. So I’m really really hoping they look at my application and something comes of this, it would be really awesome to not get stuck in a job I hate where I’m not doing anything to help people the way I really want to and this would be so perfect for that. The only thing that could be a problem is the listing said speaking Spanish is required for the position, and as we went over earlier I don’t quite have that down but I guess we’ll see if they’re willing to at least have a conversation with me about the job without Spanish being listed on my resume, and if so I’ll tell them I do still have a working knowledge of it (to some extent, anyway) from high school and am very willing to study it diligently until I am much closer to fluent if not fully fluent, and I am of course a fast learner. so it would be really great if that works out. I did all of this until like 5:45 when I started working on this round of bubble tea making, I had already brewed the tea and chilled it when I got home, but now I had to attempt to make the actual “boba” which I’m personally not crazy about but they’re pretty much an essential element of bubble tea so I had to try to make them. I had them dried, I just had to boil them in some water basically to get them ready, so I figured all that out and prepped the rest of the stuff for the bubble tea, as well as ordering our dinners from the poke place we had decided to get food from. Jess and the food arrived at the same time, so we had our poke bowls and bubble tea, which came out pretty well overall (Jess accidentally knocked hers over with her elbow and ended up having her pants covered in bubble tea, which was admittedly kind of funny), and pretty soon Legends was on! Very excited for this episode after seeing people this weekend and the previews featuring Sara and Ava, who we know are my girls. I definitely didn’t expect the thing that “happened” to Ava to be that she was kidnapped by Neron, so that was an interesting twist. The whole purgatory being ikea thing was fucking hilarious, and they used it to both great comedic and dramatic effect. they systematically worked through all of the potential issues in their relationship and had open, honest conversations about them and going forward together, and honestly it was definitely one of the healthiest portrayals of a couple dealing with problems I’ve seen on tv. I love their dynamic so much, and they both really knocked it out of the park this episode. The scene with Sara in the warehouse and the many Ava’s that was shown in previews had lots of speculation about how it was going to go down, and personally I think they did a really good job with making it both funny and effective in moving the plot forward. The B plot was also great, I loved the Nora and Constantine team up, they totally kicked ass together, and I love seeing how far our girl Nora has come from where she was when we first met her, she’s grown so much and become such a genuinely good person who just wants to help people and I love that. In the scene towards the end where they had it look like she was going to let Neron possess her I was like screaming, I knew it had to be a trap though because she’s come way too far to regress like that, and I felt very happy to see that it was in fact a trap and she had not turned on the team. Of course the results of the trap were compromised thanks to Ray trying to be a white knight and ended up getting himself possessed, which I’m sure will be fun to watch in next week’s episode. Overall I really enjoyed it, definitely one of my favorite from this season. Legends was over right into Arrow, which I admittedly wasn’t paying very close attention to and stopped in the middle to call my dad and tell him about the job situation, he was definitely with me that the commute situation was untenable and it wouldn’t be a good fit, so I guess we’ll see where we go from here. But Arrow, decent episode, from my limited attention anyway lol. I liked the plot with John and his stepfather, and couldn’t help notice the pattern between John and his stepfather, then in the future we have Connor Hawke with John as his stepfather. I was also glad the future plot cleared up officially that Connor Hawke was not John Diggle Jr., since the Legends Star City 2046 episode kind of muddied things up a bit on that, even with it being an alternate timeline. I’m still not entirely sure what they’re doing exactly in the future, but I’m hoping it’ll be more interest if Laurel sticks around. I did also see Kat McNamara in person this weekend, though I didn’t actually interact with her there was a very funny event where we were at Katrina’s table while she had launched part of her prank war with Juliana and was stealing her string lights, and then we had an extended and very funny interaction with her, and all this time the person in line behind us is wearing this dinosaur mask, which we didn’t think anything of, until we walked away and looked back to see that it was fucking Kat McNamara who had been standing there they entire fucking time and had straight up paid for a Katrina autograph 😂😂we basically died laughing when we realized everything that had just happened, so I guess that made me a bit more endeared to her and by consequence her character. Felicity’s plot was interesting, it’s sad she had to supposedly destroy her creation (am I crazy or did it exist in the episode where they were showing Mia’s childhood?) but I see how it could be very dangerous getting into the wrong hands. So yeah, decent episode. I switched over to The Fix afterwards which was pretty good, though I do find it somewhat hard to believe that a celebrity in a case like that with a history like that and just having made a very obvious attempt to flee would get granted bail, especially on such dismal evidence like citing what amount of DNA evidence had not been tested yet or had come back as inconclusive. I watched the news afterwards and was gonna watch Jimmy Kimmel until I realized it was a rerun of an episode I already watched, so I switched over to Jimmy Fallon instead and watched his show and the beginning of Seth Meyer before showering and starting to get ready for bed, and now I am here. It’s almost 2 am so I should probably get to sleep, just chiropractor tomorrow which I’m like thank GOD because since I missed both my appointments last week thanks to the flu my back has been fucking killing me the whole damn time, so I very badly need to see them. I may try to make a quick store trip to grab a few things and hopefully some quarters for laundry because my laundry basket is once again overflowing (funny how fast that seems to happen). And yeah, that’s about it, so I’ll end this here. Goodnight babes. Hope your Monday didn’t suck. 

[daydreamingnightdrinking]

Wheatfields with Crows

Vincent van Gogh, 1890.

It’s been a while.

I know, I know. I’m regressing back to the state where I’m about to put “writing” inside a drawer that I’ll open once in a blue moon. I’m trying not to do that, because I genuinely enjoy the time that I spend typing away on the keyboard. It’s decompressing in a sense. Ironically, I thought I wouldn’t have anything to say prior to writing anything, but it turned out that it was just something that I needed to do for the familiarity.

I’ve written so much about one experiences that I’ve decided to divide my travel posts into different parts, starting with this one on a special dinner with my friends.

I’ve been a lot more active recently in terms of being a nomad, and so about three weeks ago, I’ve had the opportunity to meet up with my friends at the one and only Las Vegas. It’s funny, because I’ve coordinated the trip with them since March, and at that time we thought that the end of October is a hefty distance away.

Time seemed to fly within a blink of an eye.

(Note: It was also the first time I’ve been to Vegas during Halloween, but since it landed on a weekday, I was more or less exploring on my own. That explains the painting I’ve selected from Van Gogh.)

Caesar’s Palace: Restaurant Guy Savoy

Ever since two years ago, my friend and I have had an ongoing conversation about going to Guy Savoy’s restaurant…one day. It happened when I was asking her for Las Vegas restaurant recommendations. She is the type of person anyone would call a fine dining connoisseur, but definitely not in a snobbish way. She’s just pretty passionate about food, making her the ultimate source to ask for recommendations.

On the other hand, we’ve both been to Joël Robuchon (@ MGM Las Vegas) as well as é by José Andrés (@ Cosmopolitan Las Vegas) so it was an overall great experience to explore somewhere new with someone I adore. I should really write about those two restaurants one day, too, as they were fantastic as well.

Therefore, when we finally get to visit Guy Savoy on the 28th of October (thanks, iPhone album) – it was appropriate to get the Prestige Tasting Menu. I think all of the individual dishes deserve its own picture, so I’m going to post that instead of bundle all of them together to do them as much justice as I can.

Amuse-bouche (Foie Gras)

Amuse-bouche (Salmon)

French butter (imported, looks like ice cream)

Bread cart (freshly made daily)

Amuse-bouche and carbs. Lots of them. They were freshly made so I ate a lot.

Without further ado, here is the start of a wonderful and filling menu (that might be my own problem though):

Kushi Oyster Concassée, Lemon and Seaweed Granité

I’m a huge fan of oysters – and in recent years, raw ones, even though I don’t know much about them yet. Raw oysters and lemon is a match made in heaven, and the seaweed gives it an additional texture. I may be biased, but it’s a good start.

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Osetra Caviar, Crab Salad and Heirloom Tomato Gelée

Honestly, I can’t really tell the difference between caviar quality, but I’m pretty sure the restaurant uses finer caviar. It’s still quite a light dish that introduces more flavors and a great successor to the oyster. I’ve decided to display three photos, because of the intricate detail that goes into producing the dish. The red nest on the top is made out of beets (lightly fried, if I remember correctly), and meshes well with the crab, caviar, and tomato once it softens with the liquid; it also provides more texture within the dish.

The most impressive detail of this dish was that the liquid the waiter poured down the dish was actually salt water from the sea if I remember correctly. I’m sure they’ve purified it somehow. The octopus was cooked perfectly – it wasn’t too tough to chew, and the additional croquettes add an extra crunch to it. Not to mention it was one of the most visually stimulating dishes from the entire menu.

Salmon Iceberg

My friends and I were trying to figure out the concept of this dish after it has been placed before us. The waiter rolled the cart over to us, placed the salmon on a huge slab of ice, and told us that the idea behind this dish is to play with extreme temperatures. The salmon is placed on ice at first, then on individual dishes with stock poured over it to heat it up.

When we ate it, the salmon wasn’t fully cooked inside (which was completely fine for us, as we all like Japanese food), which explains the disclaimer on the website menu. I’m still not too sure about the entire idea behind it, but the salmon was quite fresh and the stock was sweet.

  Red Mullet, Fregula Sarda and Jus Corsé

This was the turning point for me. The dishes were getting stronger as evidenced in the jus – it was much thicker than the stock with the salmon, and the crisps on the top were the red mullet scales. If I remember correctly, the vegetable below the fish was spinach, and the fregula sarda (a type of round pellet pasta) was al dente.

As usual, everything went well together – whether it’s regarding texture or taste wise.

Seared Foie Gras and Unagi Napoleon, Cherry Extraction and Green Almond

Yikes. There’s no need for further introduction for foie gras – albeit its controversial nature. Unagi is the Japanese word for “eel”. I have to admit, I’ve never had a dish combination with foie gras and eel, both on the heavier side of the palette. The cherry extraction and green almond counteracts the oil and overwhelming greasiness that one gets when he / she takes the first bite out of foie gras.

Artichoke and Black Truffle Soup, Toasted Mushroom Brioche, and Black Truffle Butter

This was the second time I’ve had artichoke in the entirety of my life, so I can’t say I’m a good judge of it. However, oh my goodness – the biroche had the perfect crunch, and went well with the thick soup (think: pumpkin soup consistency). The black truffle wasn’t the only dominating flavor, and I have to say that the two make a pretty good duo.

Hazelnut Crusted Sweetbread, Summer Squash Variation and Roasted Veal Jus

If I were to pick, this would probably be one of the least memorable dishes in Guy Savoy. It’s not because it wasn’t good – everything was exquisite in the restaurant, but it is because of my own unfamiliarity for the ingredients that were used to create this dish.

The sweetbread provides an extra type of “crunch” to it, although I wasn’t aware of what it was until I was doing my research and searching for it for more accuracy of the dish. It’s not a big deal though, because I’m more or less and adventurous eater. The hazelnut provided a sweeter taste to it, balanced out with the squash and veal.

Pluma de Bellota Iberico, Textures of Corn, Basil, and Roasted Jus

Oh, Iberico. I was already in love when I saw that on the menu, but after further research, “Pluma de Bellota Iberico” is actually a type of cut from the pork, which is located at the end of the loin, and is one of the juicer parts of the meat.

What is so special about Iberico pork is that this type of pigs eat sweet acorns and grasses as their main diet, and they also get to roam around the range freely. This results in its unique texture and flavor as well as its marbling.

Overall, the pork, combined with the jus and sauce on the side was robust in flavor, and the fried slice of corn on the top added the crunch that accompanied well.

Petit Basque Cheese, Textures of Pear and Saffron

The waiter recommended that we eat the entirety of the dish in one singular bite for the flavor. It was a huge bite, with a serious crunchy texture on the outside along with softness inside (think: fondue thickness). I can’t really recall any flavor but cheese.

“From Beet to Sweet”

Beet lovers, rejoice. This was a dish full of beets, and perhaps a transition of savory to sweet. On the side there were diced and fried beets, and beet mousse enclosed within candied beets.

I think this dish was innovative and highly focused on beets. It was creative, and the presentation was beautiful and impressive. Not so impressive for one of my friends who really isn’t a huge fan of beets though.

In terms of taste, it was great, but not my favorite out of the entire menu as it was focused on one singular ingredient.

Fig, Mediterranean Flavors

Here’s another ingredient I’m not familiar with. Taiwan isn’t a place that has a lot of figs, and the ones that I’ve had here that were grown locally were pretty much tasteless. The local figs here are basically watery sacs over here, so I’m pretty much indifferent about them.

However – the dessert had a mixture of sweet and tartness, so it wasn’t sickly sweet. I’ve come to realize and accept the fact that my sweet and salty tolerances are declining (or maybe my taste is just getting more and more refined), so this is a delicate balance.

Dry Age Pineapple, Baked in Clay, Scent of Lemongrass, Mellowest Aloe Vera

This one is pretty neat, as one of the pastry chefs came to our table to explain the dessert while working on its plating.

What the restaurant has done was to basically dry age the pineapple (like how beef would be dry aged), and the size of the pieces as shown above were reduced severely due to dehydration. This resulted in bite sized, flavor packed pineapple squares. The chef was breaking open a pineapple shaped clay mold (if I remember correctly) to reveal the pineapple we were about to eat.

To be honest, I’ve never been a huge fan of eating pineapple by itself because of the stinging sensation it brings my tongue whenever I try them. There is a reason behind the “sting”; pineapples have an enzyme that breaks down called “bromelain” that breaks down protein (meaning it digests protein). This explains that there’s that feeling on the tongue whenever one eats too much pineapple. It also explains why pineapple is used as meat tenderizer as a culinary ingredient.

Again, I dug in (even though I was super full by that time) and finished the entire plate. Perhaps it was the dry age – the pineapple provided the tart with a smudge of sweetness that paired well with the ice cream. It was a refreshing dessert.

Cocoa “Pie”

I can’t say “no” to chocolate, even though I was so stuffed I could just pass out from food coma then.

The chocolate flakes on the top balances the sweetness of the pie on the bottom with a dash of bitter, which would’ve gone really well with the coffee and tea that the restaurant offered, but we were all planning to drink later, so we politely declined.

Dessert Cart: Fall (Halloween) Macarons 

Last but not least, despite having a stomach that was about to burst, we were offered desserts on the cart. There was a hefty selection of freshly baked and made dessert, but ultimately I picked my favorite macarons to try, especially because it was close to Halloween and I do like seasonal desserts.

I guess I can save the others for next time with the same company or different.

The jack-o’-lantern looking macaron was of course, pumpkin flavored, and the cobweb black macaron was sesame flavored (I believe…? I forgot, really). They were both tasty, but I preferred the pumpkin flavored more as it was a flavor that I’ve never had.

So, was the restaurant worth the price tag?

I suppose it really depends on the person.

Personally, I am more than okay with spending money on experiences, whether it’s by myself or with my loved ones, so in my opinion, I’d say this meal was worth every penny spent. I also think that my palette has evolved throughout the past couple of years by getting the opportunity to travel and experience new cuisines – and not just fine dining, but also street food.

The ingredients, effort, and service was impeccable, not to mention the decor and ambiance of the restaurant.

I haven’t had the opportunity to try to wine tasting, but I would do so next time, as when we were offered the wine list, the server rolled a cart over with what looked like a dictionary or an encyclopedia on it. I can’t imagine how the list would be.

This is definitely somewhere I’d look forward to visit some other time in the future.

Food & Travel: Las Vegas, Nevada, United States. (Part I – Fine Dining) Wheatfields with Crows Vincent van Gogh, 1890. It's been a while. I know, I know. I'm regressing back to the state where I'm about to put "writing" inside a drawer that I'll open once in a blue moon.

[thrashermaxey]

Ramblings: Season-Ending Q+A (Mar 30)

  Today’s ramblings will be a blowout Q+A. Enjoy!

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Will Mat Barzal be a PPG player again next year and/or what is his value if John Tavares leaves New York?</p>— Will Weiler (@wweiler) <a href="https://twitter.com/wweiler/status/978597798177333249?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

<script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>{/source}

  I have mild concerns about all the point totals we have seen this season. The early crackdown on obstruction led to penalties getting called at a rate we hadn’t seen in years, and the subsequent bump in power plays shot goal scoring up about an extra goal per game. That lasted for about a month and then things got back to normal.

That October bump is a big reason why of the 39 individual seasons in which a player scored 30+ PPP in a season over the past five years 13 of them (a third) are from this year, and that number is likely to climb with a little over a week remaining and several players knocking on the door.

Power plays are getting more efficient across the board as more teams buy into the four-forward look, but there has been a significant give-back in goal scoring since October. With teams better adapted to how the game is getting called, plus the natural progression away from referees making those calls, I doubt that we see scoring the level we saw it in the first month of the season.

For Barzal, who has 24 PPP, any slippage could see him fall below the point-per-game mark. However, Barzal scored only one of his 24 PPP in October. His season didn’t take off in full until November, when the Islanders finally sorted out which line Jordan Eberle should play on, and also that Barzal should indeed become a primary part of their top power play unit.

Barzal is also a super-duper star, capable of carrying his own line, and potentially his own team. No doubt life would become more difficult losing John Tavares as he’d get more attention from the oppositions best players as well as more focus from coaching staffs trying to shut him down. However, a guy who skates like Barzal is always going to be able to put the opposition into crisis.

My main concern would be if the Islanders make a coaching change and get away from the wide-open play they have had all season. A coach not so content to trade chances could stifle Barzal by really having him focus on becoming a more complete two-way player. I suspect that plan would be accelerated if Tavares leaves.

There are also reasons to be suspect of assist-heavy players. Barzal’s performance is all too similar to Evgeny Kuznetsov’s breakout 2015-16 season. Kuznetsov’s subsequent decline in 2016-17 was a shock to many as it was assumed Kuznetsov had asserted himself as a star. As this season will prove, Kuznetsov is indeed a star. His point-per-game play was not a one-off, however he needs players around him to finish. What happened to Kuznetsov doesn’t guarantee that Barzal will decline next season, but it is an outcome we must consider.

The safe play is to peg Barzal for just under a point-per-game season as a hedge against the “sophomore slump” and that’s with or without Tavares. I suspect that if Tavares leaves there may be an overcorrection against Barzal underrating what he is capable of on his own.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Where you taking Dahlin? Mcdavid was ranked #43 in his rookie year, do you take Dahlin before or after 43rd?</p>— Amet Garewal (@dreamzmann) <a href="https://twitter.com/dreamzmann/status/978486276285374468?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

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  As I outlined earlier this month, it is staggeringly difficult for defensemen to jump from the draft right into the NHL. Even if Dahlin can break the mould and be a 50-point defenseman out of the gate that still isn’t necessarily worth a top-50 pick in one-year leagues. I’d aim for Dahlin at the very end of drafts if drafting him at all. Perhaps outside the top 200. How about undrafted?

Dahlin can simultaneously be the best defenseman prospect to come along in years, a genuine franchise altering defenseman, and still not have fantasy relevance in his first few years.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">12 team H2H keepers league. Which goalie would you draft first next year? Price Andersen Holtby Darling Mrazek Bobrovsky? Thanks</p>— FaNHockey HABS (@patrick_neron) <a href="https://twitter.com/patrick_neron/status/978695671464251398?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

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  There’s a fun rollercoaster that seems to happen with the goaltending position, and even in trying to get out in front of it, I’ve still fallen victim to it. This past year, my top tier was:

Carey Price

Cam Talbot

Matt Murray

Frederik Andersen

I was pretty well set that if I was going to have a top tier goalie it was going to be Andersen as he was the only real value proposition available from that tier. In most drafts, you could have gotten Andersen in the sixth or seventh round with a pick somewhere around 70th overall. That would have been one of the better bargains, and if you followed my draft list you surely bagged him.

I didn’t have Holtby in that top tier, despite being the best goalie in fantasy hockey over the previous few seasons. I succeeded in getting out in front of that regression. The rest of my top tier? Not so much.

After a strong season, I suspect Andersen will be overvalued next season, while guys like Holtby, and Talbot will be undervalued. I don’t think Price or Murray will take much of a hit given the high profile of their respective teams.

As for your specific question, I think I’d have to take Sergei Bobrovsky off that list. Will he be my #1 next year? He’ll be close. I’ll have a tough time keeping him out of my top tier again. I am afraid of the goalie rollercoaster, but there is a good argument that Bobrovsky is the best goalie in hockey. Here’s the top five for save percentage over the past five seasons:

  Sv%

Philipp Grubauer

0.923

John Gibson

0.923

Carey Price

0.923

Corey Crawford

0.922

Sergei Bobrovsky

0.922

  Bobrovsky has consistently been excellent, and he provides the added bonus of annually cranking it up another notch in the month of March during the fantasy playoffs:

  Wins

Losses

GAA

Sv%

Shutouts

October

27

26

2.71

0.911

3

November

40

28

2.3

0.923

5

December

33

16

2.43

0.922

2

January

29

23

2.61

0.916

1

February

16

29

2.78

0.905

0

March

49

29

2.1

0.932

9

April

21

13

2.39

0.922

4

  He does this every damned year to the point that it’s scary. If you’ve been a Bobrovsky owner these past few years, you have made a killing, especially in H2H leagues.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Is Mrazek worth anything more than a bag of pucks after this season?</p>— Benoît Rivard (@ben_haggis) <a href="https://twitter.com/ben_haggis/status/978592125792260096?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

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  Petr Mrazek hasn’t shown out the way we might have hoped since landing in Philadelphia:

  Wins

Losses

GAA

Sv%

Shutouts

Detroit

8

10

2.89

0.91

3

Philadelphia

5

8

3.11

0.890

1

  This has probably cost him any shot at a starting gig next season. You also have to think that the Flyers won’t be qualifying him at $4 million this summer so he’ll be a UFA looking for a backup gig. He could save this with a big playoff run, but that is looking exceedingly unlikely. If you’re offering Mrazek around in your league, he won’t be worth much.

How many times have we seen a goalie look lost before landing in the right situation with the right goalie coach, rediscover his confidence and prove himself to be a legitimate starter? Devan Dubnyk lost three seasons in his mid-20’s before rediscovering his game in Arizona. He did enough there to warrant a trade to Minnesota that saved the Wild’s season and Dubnyk’s career. Someone is going to give Mrazek a shot this summer whether it works out or not, there’s a chance he could become relevant again.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Which coach gets canned first in the offseason ?</p>— paul canosa (@PaulCanosa) <a href="https://twitter.com/PaulCanosa/status/978612581685317632?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

<script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>{/source}

  My money would be on Bill Peters as the only coach on a team without a GM. It doesn’t necessarily sound like the Hurricanes are going to be an organization where the GM gets to “pick his guy” as Tom Dundon seems to want to have more of a direct line to the coach where they’d act a bit more as separate entities, but whoever is making that call, whether the new GM or the owner, neither one hired Peters.

There’s also this nugget from Elliotte Friedman’s latest 31 Thoughts:

3. Carolina’s Bill Peters has one year remaining on his contract, but, according to several sources, he has an “out” after this season. He’s obviously not going to talk about it while the Hurricanes are still playing, but my understanding is he has approximately one week after their season ends to activate it. Peters has a $1.6-million salary for 2018-19.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Thanks for doing this. H2H multicat (incl.SOG, PPP, FOW, hits…) keeper league- Eichel or MacKinnon?</p>— Tomastop (@TooSlowH) <a href="https://twitter.com/TooSlowH/status/978717275200114691?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

<script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>{/source}

  Nathan MacKinnon has had the breakout season I was projecting Jack Eichel to have. Not that Eichel has been bad, and he certainly has the potential to match MacKinnon on most fronts, but you have to go with MacKinnon.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Starting a new 12 keeper league next year. After Mcdavid at #1 who are your 11 best keepers as first round targets.</p>— Joe Bond (@joexbondo) <a href="https://twitter.com/joexbondo/status/978710326995664896?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

<script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>{/source}

  Some of this would depend on format, but for pure points the simplest method would be to go with Dobber’s list. That list still leans heavily towards value for this season. Looking at next year and after McDavid you’re going with:

Nikita Kucherov, Nathan MacKinnon, Johnny Gaudreau, Auston Matthews, Jack Eichel, Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Brad Marchand, Erik Karlsson (assuming some distinction between forwards and defensemen), Steven Stamkos and Patrick Kane in some order.

My list leaves out a lot of talent (some of which would rise in different formats) and doesn’t even include goaltending, which would necessitate including at least Andrei Vasilevskiy and John Gibson, and perhaps more depending on format.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Top 2 or 3 defensemen you’re targeting next year AFTER Karlsson and Burns</p>— Matt Stallone (@StalloneMatt) <a href="https://twitter.com/StalloneMatt/status/978710932636487680?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

<script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>{/source}

  Who I target, and who I rank after those two are two separate ideas because in drafts it’s all about value. This season, I targeted Alex Pietrangelo, John Carlson and Shayne Gostisbehere outside the top-50 players and in some cases, outside the top-100. All three produced 50+ points. You also could have made hay targeting Tyson Barrie and Keith Yandle as undervalued guys headed for bounce-back seasons.

Who to target that will give you value in later rounds allowing you to chase forwards early? Kevin Shattenkirk, Shea Weber, Oliver Ekman-Larsson, Kris Letang, Duncan Keith, Rasmus Ristolainen, Sami Vatanen and maybe Zach Werenski. None of those guys would rank directly behind the top two defensemen but have a better shot at being undervalued as a result. We’ll have to see what trends emerge come draft season.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">What do you see for Guentzel next year?</p>— Dan Anderson (@BitterDan) <a href="https://twitter.com/BitterDan/status/978741959262179328?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

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  You’ll find Jake Guentzel on my list of rebound candidates for next season, however getting a 60-point season is probably the max he can offer with Patric Hornqvist due to return. Mid-50’s with strong peripherals is my projection at this stage, which may not be worth reaching for, especially if he has another huge playoff run.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Who’s going have a better year next year. Pierce Luc-Dubois or Casey Mittelstadt?</p>— Daniel Duke (@canadianduke) <a href="https://twitter.com/canadianduke/status/978609130314190850?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

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  If you’ve followed along all year, you know I am a big fan of the Wood Man. I expect even more from Pierre-Luc Dubois next season. It isn’t certain that Mittelstadt will even be in the NHL next season (though it does seem quite likely).

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">How you project Dustin Byfuglien next season given his role on a good offensive team.</p>— Nick DeStef (@NickDeStef7) <a href="https://twitter.com/NickDeStef7/status/978591302030798849?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

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  Dustin Byfuglien just turned 33 and saw himself getting phased out a bit this season from the astronomical loads he was asked to carry in previous seasons. He also went through a horrible shooting drought that he should bounce back from.

Figuring out where Byfuglien stands next season may have to wait until the offseason. The Jets have some big decisions with Jacob Trouba, Josh Morrissey, Connor Hellebuyck, Adam Lowry and others hitting restricted free agency, most of whom with arbitration rights. They have roughly $25 million in cap space to play with, but that will go quick between those four guys, let alone the others and also filling in holes on roster with Paul Stastny and Tobias Enstrom hitting unrestricted free agency. They may also be forced to carry some bonus overages forward to their 2018-19 cap with guys like Patrik Laine, Nikolai Ehlers, and Kyle Connor producing well on their entry-level deals. No one feels sorry for the Jets, this is a good problem to have. How they negotiate this situation will decide how much they have to lean on Byfuglien who is unlikely to be heading anywhere.

The easiest solution would be to move Tyler Myers who is redundant as a big money right-side defenseman on a team with Byfuglien and Trouba. $5.5 million is a lot to pay for a third pairing guy, even one as talented and capable as Myers. His deal expires at the end of next season, so he’d mostly be a rental, but moving him to patch another hole (either a left-side defenseman or a middle-six centerman) could allow for internal growth with Tucker Poolman expected to be ready for regular duty and clear some cap space.

Moving on from Myers (who has eaten into a bit of Byfuglien’s power play time) would mean leaning on Byfuglien and Trouba more heavily. Perhaps leaning on the 33-year-old isn’t ideal as he ages, but they are paying him like he can carry a heavy load.

The difference between Byfuglien playing the 24:26 he has averaged this season and the 27:27 he averaged the year prior adds up though almost exclusively in peripheral categories, especially with SOG. With continued usage at this season’s rate, we’re talking 200 SOG, lowering his goal projection to the 8-13 -range and his standard 35-40 assists. Bump Byfuglien’s usage back up and his goal-scoring potential increases with his shot volume.

It’s worth noting that despite his shooting percentage going in the tank and a decline in usage, Byfuglien’s per-game scoring hasn’t deviated much from the average he has posted the past few seasons:

  Points/Game

2014-2015

0.65

2015-2016

0.65

2016-2017

0.65

2017-2018

0.63

  That’s likely because most of what Byfuglien has lost in ice time comes from the penalty kill, which aren’t important minutes for scoring. It doesn’t hurt his peripherals though. If you play in a league with blocked shots, the decrease in penalty kill time for Byfuglien has cost him roughly one blocked shot every seven games, which adds up to a dozen over a full season. His hits are down too. Byfuglien’s usage going into decline at a time when his skills might also be fading could have had a deleterious effect on his numbers, but it has also come with the Jets emerging as an elite team, which has helped blunt any aging effects we might otherwise have seen. It has likely been helpful that his PK usage is down.

Byfuglien remains an elite multi-category option and a locked-in top-20 point-scoring defenseman. He doesn’t quite have the same upside as once before. It seems unlikely that he’s ever going to go for 20+ goals and 60+ points (a level he never did hit but always felt like he might). Byfuglien’s floor remains high, which makes him a safe option.

  {source} <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-conversation="none" data-lang="en"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Who are your top 5 overrated players heading into next season for fantasy</p>— Nick (@proofreadmeat) <a href="https://twitter.com/proofreadmeat/status/978484450765000704?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">March 27, 2018</a></blockquote>

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  Shameless plug for the DobberHockey Guide. Each summer I put together the top-20 regression candidates for the guide and I assume I will be reprising that piece this summer, so for this one, you’ll have to wait for August.

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Thanks for reading! You can follow me on Twitter @SteveLaidlaw.

from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-rambling/ramblings-season-ending-qa-mar-30/