#since some of these were just me spouting my feelings into my notes app

[scientistyaoi]

i just woke up like 10 minutes ago or something so here’s random stuff i found in my notes

wow talk about foreshadowing /neg

[staysafedontdie]

I thought I was free of BG3, but I was not.

(sorry Im not using the real app so it's not letting me edit correctly)

So, I made another Redeemed!Durge playthrough.

While my first one was narratively and cognitively dissonant, story-wise (an unusual looking Githyanki Bard, doing serial murdering in Baldur's Gate? Brushing elbows with powerful people? And no one noticed???) I decided to chalk that up to Bhaal being incredibly cocky. He has the old man voice and is much more tired than my current PC.

My goal with this updated playthrough was two-fold:

Make the ultimate Durge - constantly underestimated, can go anywhere, no one bats an eyelash at their presence.

Get Astarion as the first and only companion and using a specific guide (https://reddit.com/r/BaldursGate3/s/visFK1mKzl - top comment), get the scenes that I initially missed. (Most of the companion scenes are tiered/have priority, I think it's a combination of specific character and approval. Most often Astarion's scenes get overwritten by Shadowheart, Lae'zel, or Gale.)

So, my new character is a Female Half-Elf Bard (Sword Bard OP), with more traditionally Elven features, tanned skin, freckles, and light brown hair with a bit of blonde from sun-bleaching. She looks like the personification of the sun. Someone who's never gone a day without.

But she's also pretty, and forgettable -which is the important part. Other than the shattered dagger throat tattoo, a scar over her lips and the dagger earrings, she's just the girl next door. And since she's slight in build, she's constantly underestimated. It made for quick work to lure people to their doom.

the WORST part is that I've been writing blurbs between playing.

I've written over /16,000/ words. On my phone. Mostly idling in game, headphones on, listening to the ambient music. Or laying in bed. It's not even edited, it's just terrible stream of consciousness stuff.

I call the story collection 'Brief Moments in Time' and one of them involves my Half-Elf, Lysithea, having a core memory unlocked when Astarion is spouting lines at her during the Tiefling Party. Turns out she not only LIKES pick up lines, but also COLLECTS them. They were very useful for luring people to their deaths - like a less sexy version of what Astarion used to do for Cazador.

Here's the little memory flashback I have for her. The ending lines are meant to invoke that moment with the dying Mind Flayer you find at the crash site in Act 1. (Compassion??)

-----

The settings are vague, but the bustling environment must be a local tavern. She’s sipping ale quietly from a table that has a strategic vantage point. The occasional scratching of a quill in a book accompanies her gaze, making sure to take notes on would be targets.

But just over by the bar, she hears a drunken man say a fun pick-up line a little too loudly. Like Astarion she used whatever means she had to lure people away to their doom, and she pays attention to the honeyed words to try and see if they’ll be of some use to her.

“Are you a Gelatinous Cube? Because I feel like this encounter is going to end up with me inside you.”

Past the rage and the darkness that consume her, there’s a small bubble of… joy.

Joy?

-----

And then she spends the next little bit spouting lines at Astarion, which he rather likes because she calls him beautiful. And it's nice to be on the receiving end of such attention every now and again.

She's also aware the entire time he's using her, but doesn't care. She's got no sense of who she is, beyond a few small things, so she's using him as well for companionship and to help curb the urge and build new memories. After all, they're a lot alike.

UGH I JUST CANT STOP WRITING LITTLE GARBAGE THINGS ALL THE TIME. I HAVE BEEN CONSUMED. NOTHING REMAINS BUT BG3. please help me 😭

BUT!!

...In the future I want to do a Wyll run where I romance Karlach because I heard he goes with her at the end to Avernus anyway and they're so sweet to each other 🥹

[twomoonstwosuns]

at first sight [bonus chapter]

back to you [series masterlist]

pairing: professor!poe dameron x reader

warning: none? language?

word count: 2.5k

a/n: well im sorry this took so long to get up...we are struggling hard right now. and if you are too, know you're not alone and we’ll get through this <3 stay tuned for this same chapter but from poe’s POV

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New year, new me. You told yourself the same thing at the beginning of each school year. 

Although it was usually just said on New Year’s Eve in preparations for the brand new year, you felt it applied to starting a new semester as well: new classes, new teachers, new schedule, new routine. It was also the beginning of your senior year of college, your last first day of school ever. So in a way, you were preparing for something new. You’d graduate before you knew it and then adulthood would creep up on you. 

But you could hardly wait to see what the next two semesters would bring you in the meantime. 

You made sure to leave your apartment early to stop at your favorite coffee stand in the student center. Waving at your friend Qi’Ra behind the counter, you got yourself in line and replied to your mom and sister’s happy first day texts. 

“I knew I’d find you here.”

The familiar voice of your best friend Karé made you smile and you squealed quietly as you hugged her. She had spent the night with her boyfriend Snap after being out of town the last week before school, so you hadn’t seen her after you moved in.

“I’ve missed you! How was your vacation?”

“Awesome as usual. Weather was amazing, we spent everyday out on the water. Snap’s sunburn is finally starting to heal.”

“God yeah, you sent me that picture of his back…that looked awful.”

She nodded. “He was all ‘oh, there’s lots of clouds in the sky, it’s not going to be that bad’ and now I get to hold this over him for the rest of his life.”

You laughed as she rolled her eyes as you finally got to the counter. Qi’Ra already knew your order by heart and, like the first day of every new semester, she gave you your drink free of charge. She whipped it up right away, handing it to you with the promise of getting together soon. You and Karé walked outside, the bright sunshine making your drink sweat and the both wish you didn’t have to spend the next couple hours stuck inside. 

“So, how’s the stuff with your dad going?”

You shrugged. “If I had spoken to him at all since he walked out, I’d have something to tell you.”

Karé’s shoulders slumped. “No…seriously?”

You sighed and nodded as you stirred your drink.

“Not one word. I told you my uncle came by a few days after he left to tell us he was okay?” Karé nodded. “A couple of weeks went by and the next thing I know, he’s filing for divorce. But he hasn’t actually talked to Tallie and I.”

“Y/N, I’m so sorry…”

You sighed heavily and shook your head. “It’s whatever. Nothing I can do. Haven’t talked to him since and he abandoned us for his secretary so I don’t plan on talking to him at all.”

Karé nodded slowly and reached over and squeezed your arm and you gave her a small smile of appreciation.

“Anyway…what class are you off to first?”

“My advanced math class.” You made a face and she chuckled. “Yeah, you’re not jealous at all, are you?”

“Not even a little bit.”

“What about you?”

“Oh, I get to start out my day with my half semester class…three hours, twice a week, tons of homework.”

“Fun. Who’s your professor?”

You grabbed your phone from your pocket, bringing up your schedule and looking at the details.

“Uhhh, Dameron. Heard of him?”

“I think he’s one of the newer teachers here.”

“Well, hopefully he’s good.” You took a sip of your drink and checked the time on your phone. “Guess I’ll go find out.”

“See you later, then.”

Karé gave you a quick hug and you walked in opposite directions. You walked to the building of your classroom and though you were grateful for the air conditioning, you hoped that since it was the first day you’d be let out early. The sun was out, flowers were still blooming along the sidewalks despite the late season. Fall semester was always the one you dreaded the most…stuck inside staring at four blank walls during your favorite kind of weather. 

The classroom was on the third level, which meant minimal traffic in the halls and big windows that showed a great view of campus. The blinds were open, allowing sunlight to flood into the room and making it that much more welcoming. A few students were already seated and the professor nowhere in sight but his stuff at his desk. You made your way into the room, not finding a friend yet, and walked to a seat right around the middle of the room. You took your things out and waited and scrolled through three different social media apps as more students trickled in. Your name was called and you looked up and saw a girl you worked with the previous semester and smiled as she sat down next to you. At least you kind of knew one person in the class. 

“Alright, let’s get started.”

One glance up at the source of the voice was not enough as you practically did a double take. Your professor was an extremely handsome man. Dark hair sat on top of his head in a mess of curls that laid just between styled and unruly. You could see from your seat that his eyes were dark…brown, maybe. He was young; you guessed that he couldn’t be more than thirty-five. As he came around from behind his desk, you took notice of the way his dark blue jeans fit snugly around   big thighs. His sleeves were pushed up to show off tan forearms and as he leaned back against his desk, he crossed his arms in front of his broad chest.

“Good morning, everyone.” Three simple words grabbed the attention of every girl in class. “I’m Professor Dameron. I hope you all had a great summer. I don’t know about some of you, but I am very excited to get this semester going.”

There was some polite laughter. He was using a light, friendly tone of voice, making sure his very first impression on people wouldn’t wasn’t a bad one. 

“Subject-wise, this is one of my favorite classes to teach. The only way I could get this class in this year was to teach it in half the amount of time as a normal class. I’m warning you now, this is going to be a busy class. We are fitting about fifteen weeks worth of stuff into seven weeks. Attendance is going to be very, very important.” 

Some of the students visibly gulped, others nodded slowly as the realization of how much work would have to go into this class started to sink in. “Don’t worry, I will have lots of resources to help you guys. Um, just an example…I will make all of the lectures and slides available on the portal after class, including any key notes from the textbook and discussions that come up during class. That being said, you still need to attend class. I’ll go over more of this when we go through the syllabus.”

You admired him as he spoke. The hint of smile on his face showed his excitement for the class and the new semester. His voice was smooth like honey and you were sure you could listen to him spout off the most boring stuff in the world and not tire of it.

“First things first…attendance.” He turned to grab his clipboard and you and the girl next to you both checked out his ass. “In lied of just calling your names, we’re going to do an icebreaker.”

The collection of heavy sighs made him chuckle lightly. “I know, I know…they’re not always fun and you’ll probably do a whole bunch more after today. Personally, I like to get to know my students. We’ll be spending a lot of time together this semester and the more comfortable you feel talking to me, the more open you’ll be to telling me what you need to help you succeed in this class. So, let’s do it and get it over with. Tell me your name, something fun you did over the summer, your favorite type of music and…what do you think? Favorite color? Favorite animal? “Let’s do favorite animal.”

Glancing around, you saw people look anywhere but at their teacher, hoping they wouldn’t catch his eye and make them go first. 

“Alright, come on guys, you’re acting like I’m going to pull your teeth out. I’ll go first. My name is Poe, this summer I visited my dad in Colorado where I grew up and saw friends that live on both coasts. I’m a big fan of classic rock but catch me jamming to a pop song every now and then…” That got some laughs from the class and he laughed with them. “Seriously, anything by the Weeknd.”

“The Weeknd has a lot of songs about sex,” the girl next to you whispered and you nearly choked as you took a sip out of your water bottle. 

“And my favorite animal is a dog. Alright, let’s start in the back.”

One by one students introduced themselves. He asked questions about their summer jobs and their summer vacations, genuinely interested in the details and making them feel comfortable talking to him. A couple of people named weird animals as their favorite, such as lizards and dinosaurs, that spurred further discussions and got the class completely off track. It was all fun and games until you got to your row and you counted how many people were before you and practiced what you would say in your head.

“Okay, um, I’m Y/N…” Poe looked at the attendance list, finding your name and marking you down in attendance. “I didn’t do anything super special over the summer, just worked my two jobs and went to the cabin with friends and family. I like pretty much any kind of music, as long as it’s got a good beat I don’t really care what genre it is…though I am a sucker for pop music sometimes. And my favorite animal is an elephant.”

Poe cracked a smile and you let out a quiet sigh of relief as the girl next to you introduced herself. As social as you were, you still hated speaking in front of a classroom full of people. 

“Okay, see? That wasn’t so bad.” Poe teased as the last person finished speaking. A few people laughed and you smiled. Almost an hour into class and you already knew this would be one of the classes you’d look forward to the most. “Let’s start going over the syllabus. I’ll have you pass these down and I’ll bring it up on the screen here…”

He handed a stack of papers to a student in the front row and they started passing them down. Poe went back around his desk and connected his laptop to the projector. The desktop image of a Corgi laying in the grass with a toy appeared and you along with half the girls in the class let out not subtle aww’s.

“That’s my dog, Beebs.” Poe smiled sheepishly when he noticed the screen had popped up.

“How old is he?” One of the girls from the back asked. 

“He’s probably three, three and a half…I rescued him as a puppy so I’m not too sure.”

More aww’s filled the room as he brought the syllabus up onto the screen. You grabbed one when it reached you and passed it along and a quick glance through the five pages showed the class schedule and detailed expectations. When everyone had a copy, he started going over it, talking about the schedule in extreme detail and laying out what a typical class day would look like.

Poe finished up the syllabus and gave you a fifteen minute break before diving into the first chapter. His teaching style was the dream, the way that every teacher should teach: not too fast, not too slow, answering every single question before moving on, and making sure everyone was keeping up. 

Despite it being a three hour class, you no longer dreaded it…you knew that Poe would do as much as he could to help you all succeed. 

“Alright, homework for Thursday: chapter two, print out the study guide and start working on it. We’ll finish our chapter one discussion then as well. You’re good to go.”

You gathered up your things, shoving them into your backpack and checking the time to see you had just enough to grab something to eat before your next class. You had just reached the top of the stairs when you realized you hadn’t put your water bottle into your backpack. Letting out an annoyed groan, you doubled back up the stairs towards your classroom. You snuck in past a couple of students that were just leaving and beelined for your desk, making Poe look up at you.

“Sorry, forgot my water bottle.”

You found it tucked under your seat and grabbed it, giving him a small smile as you passed to head back out the door. 

“Why elephant?”

Looking back at him, you saw an easy smile on his face. “Sorry?”

“You said your favorite animal was an elephant. Usually it’s household pets or animals that live in the forest…or apparently lizards and t-rex’s. Why elephant?”

You shrugged with a nervous smile. “I, um…I don’t know. I just think they’re beautiful and strong and they roll around in the mud and water and act like such babies…baby elephants actually suck on their trunks like babies suck on their fingers—“

“Do they?” You blushed hard, feeling like you just made a fool of yourself. “So you don’t just think they’re cute…you’re practically an expert on them?”

His tone wasn’t teasing like you expected, but instead curious at the knowledge you shared. 

“No, I actually saw that on one of those random Facebook videos.”

A heartfelt laugh erupted from his chest and you laughed with him. 

“I know what you’re talking about,” he said as he continued packing up his bag. “They’re those videos that are on random pages you liked years ago or from a news source…I’ve actually found some good recipes from them.”

“So you know. Random but good information.”

He nodded and you felt your phone buzz in your hand. You looked down at it and saw a message and noticed the time. 

“I should go, um I have class…I’ll see you around, Mr. Dameron.”

You gave him a small wave and internally cringed at yourself as you headed towards the door, the flush of embarrassment in your face.

It was going to be an interesting semester. 

tag list [closed] - @ah-callie @gloomygoregirl @leilei-draws @imaginecrushes @i-ievu @brianamaree @yeeintensifies @spider-starry @krazykatkay456 @milleniawrites @afootnoteinyourhappiness @easterncryptid @my-child-gaara @myrandom-fandomlife @onebatch--twobatch @the-cry-of-youth @p3nny4urth0ught5 @porgiez @umchrisevans @galaxy-of-stories @seeking-a-great--perhaps @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @dameronsgalaxygal @mserynlarsen @yougottakeeponkeepinon @linibirdimagine @hannie2k @starrykitn @cloud-leader @damnyoudameron @liadamerondjarin @april-14-blog @demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol @xremember-me-notx @obiwanownsmyass @princessxkenobi @yourbucky084 @frietiemeloen @softly-sad @xxidontwikeitxx @roserrys @clairesmunchkin @justanotherblonde23 @voidmonny @neaveloren @sergeantkane

[thatgamefromthatad]

Mobile Game Review - Helix Waltz (Recommended by @raimi)

🎻 What is this app? Helix Waltz is a dress up game with an elaborate storyline that heavily involves character interactions. On the App Store it’s described as a “thrilling ballroom drama set in Baroque style dress,” which I think accurately reflects the sort of vintage European court-style setting the game takes place in. The setting also has fantasy elements, including characters of different “races” such as elves and people with animal ears and tails called Orens.

The game follows a main storyline as well as various side storylines and has a large cast of characters with their own personalities and preferences, all of whom you can build up your relationship with, which will affect their interactions with you depending on the level of favor you have with them. Rather than playing out in a linear set of stages or chapters, the story progresses as you accept and complete missions and attend balls where you have the chance to encounter other characters attending the same ball. There’s a bit of freedom in that sense where you can attend any of the available balls you want and encounter any of the characters that are there without necessarily following the main storyline, building up favor and getting to know anyone you want.

The dress up part is structured somewhat similarly to other dress up games I’ve played - there are various items in different categories (hairstyles, headwear, dresses, shoes, different types of accessories, etc.) with different attributes and rarities that will affect your “chic” level at any ball or other outing you attend, as well as how other characters perceive you depending on their preferences. You can have “beauty contests” with other characters you encounter at balls that compares your outfit’s chic level to theirs and there are other parts of the game where your outfits can compete with others players’. You can gain new dress up items through completing quests and through a gacha-type mechanic where you draw from different sets of potential items.

📝 Review Summary: The sheer number of different characters you can interact with in this game is very impressive, and it’s definitely entertaining getting to know them all and try to build relationships with them. I definitely found myself getting invested in certain characters and wanting to progress through the storyline so I could learn more. The art in this game is also very beautiful, which includes both the character designs and clothing items.

The follower who recommended this game noted that there is queer representation, including a trans character, which is a positive aspect, but I noticed there was not a lot of BIPOC representation, specifically a lack of characters with dark skin and limited options to have dark for your own character. The default character you play is white with very pale skin, and from my understanding from doing a little research, skin color changes are included as makeup items which definitely seems wrong, not only because you have to get your hands on the right item to have darker skin but because skin color as makeup seems to imply blackface, even if that’s completely unintentional (the makeup items in this game aren’t technically just makeup - they also change the shape of facial features). I definitely think this game should add different base skin tones, as well as characters who aren’t all super pale.

Full review below:

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👍What’s good about this app? The enormous cast of characters in this game and the multi-faceted system involved in gaining favor with them and getting to know them are definitely this game’s biggest assets, in my opinion. Each character has their own unique personality, backstory, style, relationships and role within the in-game society, but what’s really enticing is the fact that the story tends to build up a bit of mystery and intrigue about different characters and families/factions, which motivates you even more to get close with certain NPCs and learn the different secrets they hold. The game is pretty immersive that way in the sense that your goal of building up enough trust and prestige to gain access to the most interesting intel/gossip aligns with the main character’s goal of integrating and positioning herself strategically amidst higher society.

That sense of immersion also comes through in the way the game is structured to allow you to interact pretty freely with the characters rather than following a linear path from one encounter to another. You encounter other characters similarly to how you would if you really were a young noble in this sort of society - by wandering around ballrooms or other settings and seeing who you run into or seeking out those that you already have some level of relationship with. You can even get letters from them! You can choose to follow closely to the main plot, or pick your favorite characters and go out of your way to interact with them, or a mixture of both. This game really focuses around character interactions in a way I’ve never personally seen before, and it’s very impressive - and fun!

Another great aspect of this game is the art, which of course is an important aspect for any dress up game. I’m not very well-versed in fashion in general, but I can say from an average Joe perspective that the clothing items and outfit sets are overall just very pleasing to look at and give me that sort of mouthwatery fashion-p*rn feeling whenever I see some extravagant “look” whether it be from real life, a game or any other sort of media. You could say I’m easily pleased though since I can say that about just about any other dress up game I’ve played or been widely exposed to (Love Nikki, Time Princess etc.). One thing I think is especially cool in this game is the perfume category which I can best describe as creating a kind of animated aura around your character that differs in appearance depending on the perfume. This works well with the fantasy-type setting of the game and gives a little extra magical oomph to the outfits. Other outfit pieces can also be animated, like jewelry that sparkles for example, which is also a nice touch.

The last positive thing I’d like to mention is the theme song of this game that plays in the main menu (and pretty much everywhere else except outings), it’s so beautiful and I love it so much I added it to my Spotify playlist I listen to every day lol. The song is Sans Toi by Sarah Natasha Warne if you’re curious.

In the video below you can see a perfume item in action creating a galaxy-like aura around the character, and hear a short clip of the song as well.

[Video Description: A screen recording showing a fully dressed-up character wearing a luxurious red white and gold robe over an ornate black and white collared top with a red vest and loose-fitting brown pants that have two golden stripes at the end of each pant leg. They are holding a sword, have long blond hair tied in a high-set ponytail that drapes over their left shoulder and have a large, circular golden ornament position behind their head resembling a sun or halo. They are wearing dark stockings and black high heels, and there is a sparkling, swirling aura around them with streams of light changing color from blue to purple flowing toward them. The rest of the character and clothing is still except for jewelry and accessories that sparkle and glow and some golden parts of the clothing that shimmer.]

👎 What’s wrong with this app? There are a few minor flaws with this app such as a glitch(?) I experienced a few times where I was talking with one character and another character suddenly appeared and then disappeared, which I’m pretty sure was a glitch because after it happened for some reason I wasn’t able to complete any of my goals at the ball. Also if you don’t have a great internet connection it can be very frustrating because the game will freeze often, although I can’t criticize this that much since my internet connection just sucks and I’ve experienced this with other games before that are just highly reliant on having a constant internet connection.

Probably my main problem with this game is the lack of diversity in skin tones, both in the cast of characters and in your options for your own character. Like I said there are dozens of characters in this game but from what I’ve seen so far they almost all have pale/light skin. I don’t really think the setting of this game is an excuse considering it’s a fantasy setting and there are definitely characters from different regions or backgrounds but they all just happen to have very light skin. Another reason I think there should definitely be more diversity is that there are definitely themes of racial discrimination in the story - some characters will spout stereotypes and hateful comments about other races, in reference to fantasy races or other social groups in the game, and I’m definitely not saying the targets of those comments should be dark-skinned, I just feel like if you’re going to touch on those subjects but have little to no representation of the people who experience that kind of discrimination in real-life, it seems a bit hypocritical. As a disclaimer I am mixed-race (East Asian and white) and semi-white passing with pale skin so I’m not an authority on the skin tone issue specifically but my opinion as someone reviewing this game is that there’s no reason to not have more diversity in the game, even regardless of whether it involves the themes that I mentioned.

Below is just a handful of the NPCs but as I scrolled through the list pretty much everyone had pale/light skin, Gedanh is the NPC with the darkest skin tone as far as I know:

As far as a lack of diversity in selecting a skin tone for your own character, that didn’t specifically stand out to me at first considering the main character is a pre-established character and not as much of a self-insert as in other games like Time Princess, but the fact that you can change your facial features using “makeup items” and skin tone is also locked to certain makeup items doesn’t seem fair, since it makes whiteness the default and limits darker skin tones to these specific items and corresponding makeup looks. I’m not sure what adding diverse base skin tones would look like from a programming perspective for this game but with everything else this game has going on that is so complex and impressive I feel like there’s not an excuse in this day and age to exclude something as basic as different skin colors.

While the lack of diversity is definitely my biggest criticism of the game, I’ll just add that another flaw is that many aspects of the game can be confusing and despite a pretty lengthy series of tutorial quests that teach you about different parts of the game, I still have some confusion after playing for a while. For example I’m still not even completely sure if winning a beauty contest against a character strengthens your relationship with them, and I had to look at the Helix Waltz wiki to learn how to investigate NPCs’ preferences and exactly how remaking clothes works etc. The wiki and other players are a great resource, but having more guidance in-game, even if it’s in the Help/FAQ section (which I checked and still didn’t have all the info I needed), would be an improvement.

🪞Full list of features (there are a lot but I’ll try to cover them to the best of my ability):

Storyline (main plot, side plots that unlock when you strengthen your relationships with characters and event plots)

Quests (there are quests that go along with the plot or events as well as daily quests. The daily quests are more simple such as “talk to X amount of NPCs” or “attend X amount of balls” while the other quests involve having interactions with specific characters, wearing specific dress up items to certain events, etc.)

Dress up (you dress up for every ball or other outing you attend. Each ball will have a different clothing attribute, such as a certain color or style, that increases your chic points if you wear items with the corresponding tag. Different characters also have style preferences but you need to investigate to find out each character’s preference. In addition to dress up before events, the mirror section of the main interface allows you to make whatever outfit you want with the items you have, which will be the outfit your character wears during scenes outside of outings. There are different categories of items corresponding to different parts of the outfit and for some categories you can wear more than one item from the same category, such as wearing a different bracelet on each wrist)

Balls (this is one of the two main ways you will interact with characters and complete quests. There are a few balls you can choose to attend at any given time, hosted by a specific family or faction, with specific characters attending that you can check before you enter the ball. Once you enter the ball and dress up, you can choose to approach a certain character if that option is available - I think you can only approach characters directly if you’ve already talked to them at the ball or if you are wearing an outfit they like but I’m not sure about that part - or you can choose “wander around” and have the chance to encounter different characters who are attending)

Other outings (in addition to balls there are other places in the game where you can encounter other characters, such as the slum and the tavern, and these outings work similarly to balls in terms of character interactions)

Conversation (for basic conversation you pick from a selection of topics and you can gain favor with a certain character by correctly picking the topic they prefer. There is dialog to read for every conversation although these are stock conversations that repeat so you’ll usually want to just speed through them. When you increase your relationship with a character you can unlock special conversations with them that are more unique and tied to the plot)

Q&A (sometimes a character will ask you a question and depending on if they like your answer it can boost your favor with them)

Beauty contests (while conversing with a character sometimes you can have a beauty contest against them comparing your outfit to theirs, and if you win you get points that I believe go toward earning in-game currency - another thing I’m not 100% sure about. I think you can only have a beauty contest with female characters but there is at least one male character I’ve been able to have a beauty contest with. Sometimes a character will immediately force you into a beauty contest when you encounter them)

Dancing (sometimes when interacting with a character at a ball you’ll have the option to dance with them which opens up a short memory-based minigame. I think completing the minigame correctly yields similar rewards to winning a beauty contest. I think you can only dance with male characters as I’ve never had the option come up with female characters so far)

Gathering intel (intel is a resource in the game that is used to learn more about characters and that can be exchanged with characters for rewards. While wandering around a ball you may have the chance to eavesdrop on characters and gain intel)

Gift Box/gacha mechanic (The Gift Box section of the game is where you can draw from different gacha-type pools for items and resources. Different pools take different currencies and have different sets of items)

Remaking, dyeing and enchanting clothes (you can change the style or color of some clothing items if you collect the right resources, which changes both the item’s outward appearance and attributes that go toward chic points/gaining favor with different characters. You can also enchant clothing items, which changes their appearance and increases their chic points)

Events (there are limited-time events such as events that offer limited-time items/gacha pools and limited-time quests)

Illusion Contests (one way you can compete with other players in the game rather than NPCs. You are given preset clothes items to choose from in order to put together an outfit, and can give the outfit a name. Your outfit is scored based on a voting system where two outfits are shown and players can vote for one or the other. You get rewards based on how many votes you get and you also get rewarded for voting on other outfits)

Championship (another way to compete with others players using your owned items rather than preset items. I have not participated in the championship myself yet but from my understanding you make one outfit to defend against other players challenging you and then make outfits to challenge other players’ defending outfits. The players you have the option to challenge will be the same rank as you so the competition is balanced and I believe this competition is based on the attributes of your items and a theme set for the current championship cycle, a bit more like a NPC beauty contest than the voting-based Illusion Contests.)

⭐️ Overall Rating: 4/5 (this would definitely be a 5/5 game if they fixed the racial diversity issue but it’s unfortunate that a game that’s otherwise so complex and engaging - and has LGBTQ+ representation - drops the ball in this area. I definitely hope they at least add the ability to have different base skin tones in the future.)

I really enjoyed this game so thank you to @raimi for suggesting it! If anyone else has any game review suggestions feel free to send them 🥳

[sunshinejihyun]

Wedding Bells - Saeyoung Choi

Summary: A dating app brings two unexpected people together

A note about this work: All of the RFA members have significant others (besides Saeyoung, MC is used for this fic as normal) that are referred to by name. Those are my OC’s and they’re the names I use when I play those characters routes. I just needed to give everyone a happy ending, okay?

Here is a quick breakdown: Yoosung and Wenyn Zen and Briar Jaehee and Cordelia Jumin and Luce

You can meet all my OC’s here!

Word count: 5.4k

Masterlist

“What do you mean I have to have a date to your wedding?” Saeyoung Choi stood staring out his kitchen window, his phone pressed against his ear and his best friend, Yoosung was spewing some ridiculous ideas into his ear.

“I mean just that. Bring a date, everyone thinks you have a girlfriend.” Yoosung’s voice sounded muffled on the other end and Saeyoung’s brow furrowed. “Sorry, Wenyn was trying to tell me something. But seriously, bring a date or else!”

“Where am I supposed to find a date in the next two weeks?” Saeyoung rubbed at the part of his nose that his glasses rested. “You know what - never mind. I’ll figure it out. Talk to you later!” Before Yoosung could get another word in, Saeyoung was pressing the end call button.

Two questions were ringing clearly in his head: first, why the hell would Yoosung tell everyone he was seeing someone and where the hell was he supposed to meet a girl to bring to a wedding on such short notice?

Sitting himself down at his computer, Saeyoung found himself looking at dating sites, only half considering making an account. After one bad tinder date, he had ended up deleting himself from the app (and hacking into her phone to erase his number, but that was a different story) and vowed to never go on another dating app. But desperate times called for desperate measures, so he’d have to make do with the resources he had which is how Saeyoung found himself signing up for Tinder for the second time.

-

“Any luck on the date hunt?” Yoosung had stopped by Saeyoung’s bunker in hopes of stowing away for a few hours; wedding planning was tough and the blond needed some time away from it all.

“No, I rejoined tinder but it seems the only people who match with me want me to pay for their OnlyFans - I don’t even know what that is! - or just don’t respond! I’m getting frustrated.” Saeyoung whined, glaring at his blond friend. “Tell me why you had to tell everyone I was seeing someone?”

“I don’t know! You’re the only one from the RFA not bringing a date, I didn’t want you to feel left out!” Yousung replied, looking over Saeyoung’s shoulder and swiping right on the tinder profile Saeyoung was currently looking at. “What if.. You make your own app?”

“My own app?” Saeyoung echoed and Yoosung nodded, letting Saeyoung bounce the idea around in my head. “I’d have to hack some websites like Facebook and Twitter to advertise it, but that would be a good idea.”

Yoosung grinned, happy to have supplied Saeyoung with a good idea and patted his friend on the shoulder. “Alright, I’ll leave you to it. Wenyn’s probably freaking out wondering where I am since I said I was going to the convenience store for milk. I’ll text you later and check on how your app is coming along!”

Saeyoung barely heard his younger friend, mind already reeling as he started figuring out how to design his new app.

-

“MC! Good morning, the usual?” Jaehee Kang was standing behind her bakery’s counter, cleaning the steam spout on the coffee machine as you approached the counter. Ever since Jaehee and her partner Cordelia had opened up this shop, you’ve been a frequent customer and have become friends with both the women who ran it.

“Good morning, Jaehee! And, yes please.” You replied, looking down at your phone and chewing your nail nervously.

“Something on your mind?” The girl’s long hair was tied back today and you laughed as she continually pushed a piece of hair that fell out of place before starting on your coffee order,

“Eh, it’s nothing bad. Just having a family party and everyone’s expecting me to bring a date. A date that I definitely don’t have.” You locked your phone before shoving it in your pocket so you were able to grab your drink from Jaehee.

“I have a friend who just finished designing an app,” Jaehee’s voice was soft as she spoke of this person, like they were someone who she held very dear to her heart. “It might help you with your problem. It’s called Wedding Bells, look it up on the app store.”

“Wedding Bells? I’m not looking to get married!” You laughed and headed for the door, letting the next customer order from Jaehee. She sent you a small smile and a wave before putting all her attention on the man standing in front of her.

As you were walking back to your house, curiosity got the best of you and you pulled out your phone before searching Wedding Bells on the app store. A simple ‘W’ was the app’s logo and the description was: ‘Looking for a fake date to a wedding or another family function? Look no further! With Wedding Bells, you’re connected with other people looking for dates!’

Without thinking about it too much, you downloaded the app and when you got home, you sat down and started filling out your profile. It asked for specifics, like the exact date and time you needed someone with you as well as your likes and dislikes and from there gave you a small list of 10 people they think you’d be a good fake date for and vise versa.

Scrolling through the first two profiles, you were virtually unimpressed. These people seemed bland - like they had no personality, which was probably the reason why they weren’t able to find dates. The third profile you clicked on had potential, he seemed funny in his answers and like he actually cared about how people perceived him. Plus he was good looking, which was always a bonus. Throwing caution to the wind, you decided to message him.

MC: Hey, Saeyoung! I see you need a date to a wedding, what a coincidence, I’m also in need of a fake date to a family function.

You put yourself out there, now no one could say you didn’t try. Just as you were about to exit out of the app, you noticed that Saeyoung was typing so you stayed, anxious to see his response.

Saeyoung: MC! Greetings! Yep yep yep I need a date… it’s to my best friends wedding and everyone thinks I have a girlfriend! You have any experience in the being-a-fake-girlfriend department?

MC: Can’t say I’ve ever been someone’s fake girlfriend, but I have been a real girlfriend once or twice so I think I can handle it!

Saeyoung: Amazing! I think I’d be a great fake boyfriend if I did say so myself! Would you be interested in being my fake girlfriend?

MC: Only if you’re interested in being my fake boyfriend!

The rest of the night was spent chatting with Saeyoung. You had even switched over to a video call at one point and the entire time was spent with you both choosing outfits for the other to wear to the events. You had even caught a peek at him shirtless a few times during that process, which was a very welcome surprise.

“I can’t believe it’s already 3am,” Saeyoung whispered. You were both currently laying in bed, each holding their phone with one hand, your head being popped up by the other. “You’re so easy to talk to.”

“You are also,” you admitted, moving your hair out of your eyes. “I think I should probably get some sleep now.”

“You should, you’ll need that beauty rest for the wedding.” Saeyoung teased, sticking out his tongue at you.

“Says you! You look like you haven't slept in days!” You watched as he closed his eyes, his breathing starting to slow. “Goodnight, Saeyoung.”

Sleepily opening one eye towards you, he sent you a crooked grin. “Goodnight, beautiful MC.”

-

The wedding day was approaching fast and Saeyoung was a nervous mess. Throughout the week of getting to know MC, he had quickly come to enjoy her silly little texts she would send during the day and the nightly phone calls that went into the early morning that they spent planning their fake relationship and just learning about each other.

Saeyoung was curious about MC. She was quick to laugh at his jokes and was even speedier at supplying her own remark back. She would be the perfect date to Yoosung and Wenyn’s wedding, she was so perfectly in sync with him that no one would be able to suspect that they haven’t been together for the last six months and he only hoped she thought the same about him.

“Hello? Saeyoung?” Her voice brought the redhead out of his thoughts and he zeroed back in on what she was saying. “As I was saying, give me a run down on your friends that I’ll meet at this wedding! I’m gonna need to be on my A game if I want them to like me.” Saeyoung smiled at the bright girl in front of him, so eager to please his friends and set in on telling her about his friends and their significant others

-

“Your chariot awaits, m’lady!” You opened the door to your apartment to find Saeyoung standing there, a corsage in his hand and a goofy smile on his face.

“Why thank you, my good sir.” You replied before accepting his outstretched hand. “I got you a pink boutonniere to match your tie and my nails, I hope that’s okay.”

“I’ve never gotten one of those before so the fact that you even got me one makes it more than okay.” Saeyoung answered honestly before leading you to a red sports car sitting out front. “Figured we’d arrive in style.”

“Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said you had a nice car!” You exclaimed, getting in the passenger seat, careful not to wrinkle your dress. “What is it you do for work again?”

“This and that,” he answered nonchalantly before throwing you a grin and putting the car in drive. “Now, are we ready to go?”

“I was born ready, fake boyfriend.” Saeyoung laughed at that before turning on the radio. The beginning of the car ride was spent with you and him quizzing each other on your fake relationship but by the end, you both were belting along to the loud music blaring through the speakers.

“At last we’ve arrived!” Saeyoung exclaimed before getting out of the car. “You stay there, I’m going to come open the door for you and then put this corsage on your wrist.” Sitting still, a smile played on your lips as you watched the lanky man run around to your side of the car and open the door for you. “Wrist please,” silently holding out your left arm to him, he gently gripped your hand, thumb rubbing a soothing pattern for a second before letting go to slip the band on your wrist. “There, it looks good! Matches your dress and everything!” It did, although it wasn’t what you would have picked out for yourself. The corsage was adorned with deep green and white flowers and light pink and silver ribbon woven throughout. It went well with your black and green dress, and it was from Saeyoung which was the most important part.

“Okay, now let me put this boutonniere on your jacket.” You opened the case before pulling out the simple pink rose with white ribbon wrapped around it. “These get a little tricky to put on, so hold still.” You warned, hand poised with one of the needles ready to pin the flower to his jacket. As you were about to pin it, Saeyoung shifted his weight from one hip to the other and you pricked yourself, blood immediately blooming at the small wound. “Ouch!”

“Oh man, I’m so sorry MC!” Saeyoung replied, gently grabbing your hang before bringing the finger up to his mouth and gently sucking on the wound to clean it of blood. You watched him, open mouthed and he immediately dropped your hand, face flushing red. “I have no clue why I just did that.”

“MC?” You heard your name being called and you turned to find Jaehee and Cordelia making their way over to you and your date, Cordelia’s arm was wrapped around one of Jaehee’s, both of them with confused smiles on your faces. “I didn’t know you and Saeyoung knew each other?”

You glanced nervously at the boy standing next to you before clearing your throat. “Yes, Saeyoung and I have been dating for six months now.”

Jaehee sent a confused look your way. “What are you talking about? Just last week you were in the shop complaining about not having a date to a family function. I recommended trying my friends app and…” her speech slowed down before she stopped completely, realization dawning on her face. “Oh! I see, you downloaded Saeyoung’s app and you two are now pretending you’re in a relationship.” “Don’t worry!” Cordelia’s bright smile was a welcome change after the awkward encounter. “Your secret is safe with us! Have a nice time guys, we’ll see you inside.” Jaehee bowed her head to you both before reconnecting her hand with her partners, both of them whispering quietly to each other as they walked inside the venue the wedding was being held in.

“Jaehee said I downloaded your app?” You turned to pin the flower again and this time he let you step closer. You could feel Saeyoung’s breath disturbing some stray strands of your hair as you adjusted the flower so it was sitting straight on his jackets lapel.

“Surprise?” Saeyoung’s face was contorted into an awkward sheepish smile and you rolled your eyes with him. “I didn’t want you to think I, like, hacked your list to put me on there because I needed a date. The algorithm naturally matched us, I had nothing to do with it. I created the app and then answered the questions same as you and every one else who’s using it.”

“I think that’s really impressive, Saeyoung. And it’s another fact that I know about you - you create apps - that we can sell to make our relationship seem real.” You found yourself getting lost in his eyes. Normally when you video chatted with him, he was wearing glasses  but today he must have been wearing contacts. His honey colored eyes portrayed his every emotion, and it would have been easy to spend all day looking into them.

“Umm… we should probably head in.” Saeyoung suggested, holding out his hand for you to intwine your fingers with him. “Ready, darling?”

“Yes sweetie,” you giggled, letting him lead you into the venue. When you walked in, an impeccably dressed man with long silver hair waived you both over.

“Saeyoung!  We were starting to worry that you wouldn’t show up. And you must be MC! So nice to meet you, I’m Zen and this is my girlfriend, Briar.” Zen gestured to the girl sitting next to him and you smiled at them both.

“Nice to meet you both, I’ve heard lots about you guys.” You replied, Saeyoung nervously  squeezing your hand as he watched Zen’s face. Zen was the tough one to trick; he was an actor so it was super easy to tell when others were bluffing around him.

“All good things, I hope?” Zen looked at you curiously and you flushed before turning teasingly to Saeyoung.

“Mostly,” Saeyoung sent you a small smile and you smiled back before finishing your sentence. “You know Saeyoung, he has to throw some weird facts in about everyone. He was telling me about the time he sent a picture of him dressed as a maid and you-”

“Okay! I get it, he’s an annoying jerk who promised not to tell that to anyone.” Zen’s face dropped into a pout and you internally ‘aww-ed’ when Briar leaned over to kiss his bottom lip that was sticking out.

Soon after, the service started which made it hard to talk to anyone. As Yoosung was saying his vows, you looked over to find Saeyoung swiping away at a tear that had filled his eyes and you reached over and reattached your hands, squeezing gently. “You okay?” You whispered.

“Yeah,” he whispered back, leaning his head on your shoulder. “I’ll tell you more later but I never expected to be friends with these people for this long, let alone see my best friend get married. Just kinda hit me all at once.” You didn’t respond, opting to rest your head on top of his and you both stayed like that, your breathing in sync with each other for the rest of the ceremony.

“Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I think that was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.” Zen remarked once Yoosung and Wenyn had walked out of the venue as man and wife. “It’s time to head over to the reception.”

You and Saeyoung took your time walking over to the reception hall, your hands still connected and a comfortable silence settling over the both of you. “What did you mean earlier?”

Saeyoung stopped and pulled you to a small bench, both of you sitting down, your thighs pressed together. “When I met this group of people, I was working for a secret agency as a hacker. I couldn’t make friends then and when I did, I’d have to change my identity eventually and never talk to them again. With the help from Jumin, I was able to successfully get out and start over after deleting my data and information from their systems.” Saeyoung turned his body slightly to face  you and you could see how hard this was for him. His lip was trembling  and he had a deep sadness etched in his eyes that was replacing the normally playful gleam. “That’s also a reason why I never met anyone romantically, I didn’t want them to get to close and then have to hurt them in the long run.”

“But you don’t have to hide anymore, you can be with someone now.” You pointed out and Saeyoung smiled sadly. “Have you thought that maybe…” you trailed off, shaking your head almost like you were physically trying to rid yourself of the thought. “Never mind.”

“You can ask me if you want to,” Saeyoung encouraged, his smile causing your heart to stutter for a moment before it permanently picked up speed. You swallowed hard and wiped your sweaty hands on your skirt before smoothing it out, playing with the hem to avoid meeting the eyes that you continuously find yourself lost in.

“Just hypothetically… do you think you’ve already met the person you could be with romantically?” Your heartbeat was in your ears and you could barely hear his response after you turned to look him in the eyes. Those damn eyes. They were already hard to resist but when he was looking at you like you were the only person in the world and you were sitting so close to him that you could feel his breath on your nose, those were the only things in the world you could look at in that moment; everything else in the world had faded dim behind those golden eyes.

“MC…” Saeyoung’s hand came up to gently push your bangs from your eyes and when he did so, his fingers lightly brushed your forehead before his palm rested on your cheek. “I…” he inched closer to you and you could feel his breath against your lips. Not wanting to waste a moment more not kissing Saeyoung, you met him the rest of the way. The kiss was awkward and clumsy and your teeth clashed quite a few times - it was his first kiss after all - but everything about it in that moment was just so Saeyoung and it had you yearning for more. Saeyoung’s other arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you up so you were straddling him, your knees resting on either side of his legs on the bench, feet dangling off. Once he had pulled you closer, his tongue quickly darted out in search of yours and when you eagerly met his with your own, he moaned softly, sending a shiver down your spine. Pulling away once, he softly pecked your lips again before helping you off his lap. “Well that was…” you giggled as he adjusted his pants, hands covering his crotch, and waited for him to speak. “That was-”

“A sight for sore eyes?” A black haired man cut off Saeyoung and you watched as his cheeks flushed red at the sight of the older man. “I wasn’t aware this was a soft-core sex warehouse, I thought it was a wedding reception.”

“Um, Jumin… this is my girlfriend, MC. Darling, you remember me telling you about Jumin?” You immediately straightened up where you were sitting, eager to make a good impression on another one of Saeyoung’s friends.

“Yes, I do. Saeyoung told me that you helped him get out of a bit of a sticky situation. You seem like a very good man to have done that for him, and without you I never would have met him. So, thank you. And you must be Luce?” You directed your attention to the small redheaded girl standing side by side with Jumin.

She nodded her head and Jumin cleared his throat. It was crystal clear that when he was in a room, he naturally commanded the attention of everyone around him and you found yourself shrinking into Saeyoung’s side as he fixed his stare on you. “We should be heading in, yes? We wouldn’t want the bride and groom to think we’re all being rude.”

Once Jumin and his wife walked inside, you buried your head in Saeyoung’s chest, face blaring red in shame. “That was mortifying!”

You could feel his laugh vibrate through his chest as he cupped the back of your head holding you to him. “At least now they have no reason to doubt us!”

Pulling away from him you frowned before standing up. “We should head on in,”

“We should,” Saeyoung agreed, linking your fingers together. You turned to go and as you did, he pulled you back to him, sweetly connecting your lips once more. As your chest collided with his, you let out a ‘hmph’ sound that caused the redhead to smile and softly nip at your lip. “I couldn’t help myself, you’re so cute.”

“So are you,” you admitted and he laughed before letting you lead him into the wedding reception.

The reception was already filled with dancing, drinking, and all other kinds of celebrating when you and Saeyoung finally made it inside the room and when Yoosung and Saeyoung made eye contact, the blond quickly made his way over to you both.

Without saying anything, Saeyoung wrapped his arms tightly around Yoosung’s shoulders and you saw his amethyst eyes widen in shock before closing as he let out a deep sigh, wrapping his arms tightly around his best friends waist. You looked away from the pair, letting them have their moment, and made eye contact with Jaehee who quickly made her way over to you.

“It seems you and Saeyoung are getting along well?” She nudge your side and sent a wink your way, causing your face to flush as you look at the ground. “I mean, I’m glad it’s you he ended up bringing, instead of a complete stranger.”

“I’m starting to think you’re right,” you admitted, glancing at Saeyoung and when your eyes met he smiled and threw a cheeky wink at you before excusing himself from his conversation and crossing the room to you, quickly wrapping his arms around your waist from behind.

“Jaehee, what are you and my gorgeous girlfriend of six months up to?” You felt Saeyoung pull you closer and you immediately relaxed in his arms, moving side to side to the beat of the music.

Jaehee narrowed her eyes at him and sighed, pushing a piece of her hair out of the way. “You’re really subtle at this,” she remarked sarcastically. “Anyway, I should be getting back. I’ll catch up with you both before I leave.” You watched as she wandered back over to her girlfriend and taking her hand, spinning her around.

Turning in Saeyoung’s arms, he tightened his grip on your waist as you wrapped your arms around his neck. “Dance with me”

“I don’t dance.” His voice was low and husky as apposed to his normal higher voice with a teasing lilt, something that sent a shock straight to your stomach and caused butterflies to permanently reside there.

“Please,” you begged, tugging on an unruly lock of hair that was sticking out from the back of his head. “For me?”

Saeyoung brought his lips up to your ear, brushing them against it as he spoke. “Everyone will be looking at you if I take you on that dance floor. I want you for myself. Next time, I won’t be able to handle myself if you wear a skirt that short, you’re driving me crazy.” That last word was barely a whisper but it left you a mess on your insides, your legs felt like jelly.

“I’m yours, if you’ll have me.” You whispered back and before you could say anything else, his lips connected with yours for the third time that night.

“Aw, look at these two love birds.” Zen teased as you both broke apart. “Do we hear more wedding bells in the future?”

You and Saeyoung shared a look before bursting out laughing. No one but Jaehee, Cordelia and Yoosung understood why something like that was funny, but they all looked on at the both of you with small smiles playing on their lips - they were just glad Saeyoung was happy.

After the reception, Saeyoung and you were in his car, his hand resting possessively on your thigh and when he pulled up to your apartment building, he turned to you. “MC,”

“Saeyoung.” You replied, reaching out to brush some hair from his eyes. “I don’t want to go inside. That means leaving you.”

“I’ll see you the same time next week.” He replied, a faraway look in his eyes. “I can’t wait to be your fake boyfriend again.”

“I can’t wait either,” you agreed and leaned in to rest your forehead on his for a moment before getting out of the car.

“Hey, wait!” You turned around and watched as Saeyoung got out of his car, walking up to you and cupping your face. “I don’t want to be your fake boyfriend next week.”

“You don't? Well, I was under the impression that we were getting along well but...” The end of your sentence fell off as your brows furrowed in confusion and he was quick to retrace what he said.

“No, not like that! I don’t want to be your fake boyfriend because I want to be your real boyfriend. I know it seems sudden, but it’s not really! We talked for a week before this and I enjoy your company and people say that when you know, you know. And I know. You’re the one for me, right now in this second.” His eyes were pleading with you and your heart swelled as you listened to the words coming out of his mouth.

“Would you be interested in being my real boyfriend?” You asked, a small smile playing on your lips as you repeated the words he asked you a week ago, only this time you were asking for real.

“Only if you’re interested in being my real girlfriend!” Saeyoung replied, before his lips delicately brushed yours, just long enough that he could inhale your breath and leave your heart beating in your chest.

“Text me when you get home, I want to make sure you made it safe.” You said after he had pulled away to study your face, eyes brimming with tears. “Hey, what’s going on?” You cupped Saeyoung’s cheek and he leaned into your touch, closing his eyes and letting a tear roll down to his chin.

“No one’s ever said that to me before,” he replied, eyes opening and looking at you intently. “It feels nice to have someone care like that.”

“Well get used to it mister,” your thumb brushed under his eyes, catching another tear before it could fall. “I’m gonna care the heck out of you.”

Saeyoung laughed and you found yourself laughing with him, eyes welling with tears as well, and when he noticed you were both crying tears of joy, he laughed harder, causing you to as well. “I should get going, let you sleep.”

“I don’t want to say goodbye,” you whispered, moving to wrap your arms around his waist. “I just said hello.”

“It’s not a goodbye.” Saeyoung promised, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. “I promise, it’s a see you soon. And I’ll text you when I get home safely.”

You looked up at him to find you already looking at you. Saeyoung was looking at you like he couldn’t believe you were real, almost like you were part of a dream and every moment he was expecting to wake up. “You better,” you jokingly threatened before standing on your tip toes to press one last sweet kiss to his lips.

After watching him drive off, you followed the steps up to your apartment and hopped in the shower, checking your phone after you had dried off. Two notifications had popped up in the time you were away from your phone.

First checking the message from Saeyoung, a smile danced across your lips as you read it: Just got home. sweet dreams. I know I’ll dream of seeing you again.

You quickly replied that you were glad he made it back and you’d dream of him as well before you checked the second notification from Wedding Bells. It was a message from someone on your list of 10 people and you exited out of it before deleting the app. There was no need for it anymore; you had someone to bring to weddings and family functions now.

A week later when you introduced your family to your boyfriend Saeyoung, you proudly showed off your relationship with him, eager to display to your family how amazing he is. He did well too, got along with your younger cousins and helped your mom cook dinner and by the end of the night, everyone couldn’t wait to make plans to see the both of you again. Saeyoung had not only wormed his way into your heart, but the rest of your family’s as well.

“I think they liked me,” Saeyoung joked once you guys had left your parents house. You both were back at your apartment, him holding you in his arms as you both lounged on the couch.

“Are you kidding me?” You laughed, moving your head to press a kiss to his jawline. “They loved you. I haven’t seen my family that enthusiastic about anything related to me since I graduated college. I’ll have to keep you around purely for that fact.”

“I’m sorry I don’t have a huge family for you to meet.” Saeyoung’s voice drooped and you shook your head smiling at him.

“What are you talking about? I met your family at Yoosung’s wedding. Like it or not, but those people love you. Family isn’t blood, it’s the people who love you unconditionally. And there’s a whole bunch of them for you specifically.” You had turned so you were facing him. “Everyone who I met that day cares so deeply about you, never for one second think that you don’t have a family.”

“What would I do without you?” Saeyoung’s forehead came to rest against yours and you laughed, ruffling his hair.

“Perish, probably.”

“I care for you more than I probably should.” He admitted, honey eyes locked on your own.

“I don’t know about that.” You responded. “I care for you a lot too.”

Saeyoung leaned in to gently brush his lips against your own and he pulled back, a goofy grin on his face. “Am I the smartest person in the world for creating that app, or what?”

“Or what.” Grinning back at him, you squealed as his fingers prodded your side, hitting a ticklish spot. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” Your laughter rang out in your quiet apartment and Saeyoung wanted to record that sound to have it play whenever he forgot how beautiful your laugh was. “I’m extremely grateful that Jaehee recommended me the app that you made that resulted in me meeting you.”

Saeyoung didn’t respond, instead opting to hold you close and pull you onto his lap before both of you settling back down. He played with your hair as your eyes started drooping and once your soft snores filled the room, his eyes closed as well, content to fall asleep holding you.

[thekpopkave]

I Still Hate to Love You (Chapter 2)

𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕒𝕦𝕤 :: byun baekhyun/ park chanyeol, college au, enemies to friends to lovers au, fluff and angst (possible smut later!)

𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕕 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕥 :: 10.7K

𝕒𝕦𝕥𝕙𝕠𝕣'𝕤 𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕖 :: this is the second chapter of our series! hope you guys enjoy :D feedback and requests are welcome as always - admin 🐨

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There are few things that scare Park Chanyeol.

Even while it seemed like he was a natural talking to people, he still had to wipe his hands on his jeans before he even left his house. So imagine his elation when he walked away from a table with a cute boy’s phone number. Granted, the cute boy hated him (for some reason), but it was a start. Mama Park didn’t raise a quitter. He would do anything to make Baekhyun see him differently. 

“What’d you do now?” Kyungsoo’s sharp eyes caught his gaze and he frowned. 

“What’d you mean? Why do I have to have a reason to smile?” Kyungsoo’s eyebrows shot up and Jongin giggled. 

“You’re always up to something,” Jongin said, and Chanyeol shook his head with mock hurt. 

“I am shocked and offended that my own friends would say this about me. That’s slander, you know.” Kyungsoo gave him one last side glance before turning back to his lunch. 

“Whatever it is, I don’t want to have to clean up after you.” Chanyeol couldn’t help but look over at where Baekhyun sat, his ears heating up. 

“No, no cleaning up after me. I’ve got it all under control.” Jongin followed his gaze and gave him a look. The tiniest of smiles crept across his face, making Chanyeol feel slightly uneasy. 

“What?” he asked. Jongin’s eyes grew playful as he watched Chanyeol drink from his cup. 

“Your face is red. What’d he say?” Chanyeol looked down at his food, feeling very exposed suddenly. 

“Who said what?” Kyungsoo snorted, not looking up from his food. 

“You can’t lie to us, we know you.” Chanyeol looked at Jongin, with his big eyes and felt his face grow warmer. 

“I’m not lying about anything,” he said, which sounded weak even to himself. 

“Everyone knows how Baekhyun feels about you.” Chanyeol tried not to let Kyungsoo’s words affect him, but he could feel a tiny splinter of hurt in his heart. 

“I never did anything to him, I don’t know why he hates me.” Ever since they had met, Baekhyun had nothing but disdain for him and everything he did, and Chanyeol wasn’t able to ever figure out why. 

“I don’t think he hates you,” Jongin said soothingly, his eyes now soft. “Maybe he’s just conflicted, moving to a new school is hard. Plus you do come on pretty intimidating to people when they first meet you.” He reached out and patted his hand and Chanyeol managed a smile. For some reason, knowing that Baekhyun didn’t like him really unsettled Chanyeol. He had always been a friendly person, he thrived as the center of attention, and his charisma had helped him get past some less impressive parts of his life. It was just something about Baekhyun that made Chanyeol determined to be liked by him. He glanced over at Baekhyun’s table again, watching as he waved his fork around, talking to Jongdae with expressive eyes. Something in his brain settled, and he felt himself smile. 

“I guess I should just get used to it then.” He took a bite of his food, still smiling. Chanyeol would just have to do what he did best then. 

***********

“I think there’s something wrong with me.” Chanyeol looked over at Sehun, eyebrows raised. They were walking home from the gym in relative silence, Chanyeol messaging Kyungsoo to ask (more like beg, Kyungsoo was mean) for dinner when his brother spouted this random fear. 

“What?” Sehun’s brows were drawn together firmly and Chanyeol couldn’t help but laugh a little. He still looked like a kid when he did that. 

“How do you know when you like someone?” Chanyeol stopped, his eyes going wide. 

“You like someone?” Sehun’s face grew pink and he looked around, shushing him. 

“I don’t know if I like anyone yet. I mean. There’s someone but I don’t know-” Chanyeol grabbed his brother’s shoulders and shook him slightly. 

“Why haven’t you mentioned this before? What’s their name? Where’d you meet them? Are they cute?” Sehun looked overwhelmed and embarrassed, his ears fully red now. 

“Okay, calm down. This is why I don't tell you these things.” Chanyeol let go of him but kept his wide eyed gaze on his little brother. “Her name’s Irene Bae. She’s in my English Comp class. We got assigned the same topic for an essay and she had to grade mine. Yeah, she’s cute.” Sehun had the smallest of smiles as he spoke, like he couldn’t quite help it, and Chanyeol beamed. Sehun wasn’t the most open person ever, he liked keeping quiet about his feelings and personal things even with his own family, so Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel a little proud at being the one he turned to. 

“Irene huh? I’ve seen her around. She’s studying journalism right?” Sehun nodded, his face lighting up. “Yeah, I see her by the science building most mornings. I could talk to her about-” Something in the window of the cafe they were passing by caught his eye, and he stopped in his tracks again. 

There was Baekhyun, in all his tiny glory, hunched over his computer with headphones on, mug in hand. His brow was furrowed like it was when he glared at Chanyeol, and his bottom lip stuck out as he pouted at his screen. It was the absolute cutest thing Chanyeol had seen since himself. Sehun’s hand blocked his view and he startled. 

“Dude, you’re staring.” Chanyeol blinked quickly at him before shaking his head. 

“No, I'm not.” Sehun squinted at him for a moment, glancing through the window before he smirked knowingly. 

“Oh. Right.” He walked away from the cafe window, and Chanyeol hesitated, shooting one last look at Baekhyun before darting after Sehun. He spent the rest of the walk home avoiding Sehun’s pointed questions and asking some of his own.

A plan was forming in his head to help Sehun in his time of crisis, it seemed like he thought Irene would blow him off and not give him a second look. But Chanyeol knew how to work past that kind of thing. They got to his place, Sehun still trying to pester something out of him about Baekhyun, and clattered into the living room, seeing Kyungsoo and Jongin on the couch studying. 

“Do you have to be so loud all the time?” Kyungsoo asked, his tone unimpressed. Chanyeol noted the slight flush to his face and raised his eyebrows. Jongin was quiet, his face also flushed but his eyes wide as he looked up at them. 

“Yes. I do. It’s a contract I signed from birth,” he said, smiling widely when Jongin laughed. 

“What’s for dinner?” he asked, still smiling as Kyungsoo got up from the couch muttering to himself. 

“Leftovers,” Kyungsoo said to Chanyeol before disappearing into the kitchen. Sehun left to borrow Chanyeol’s shower, leaving Chanyeol with Jongin, who seemed to be a little uncomfortable now that they were alone. 

“So, what’s up with you guys?” Chanyeol collapsed onto the couch next to his friend, his arm coming across the back of the couch. Jongin leaned back, resting his head on Chanyeol’s arm. 

“I don’t know,” Jongin said, his eyes a little sad as he chewed on his bottom lip. “Sometimes I think-” He shook his head and closed his eyes for a moment. “Sometimes I think we have something special. But then he just,” Jongin waved a hand around and Chanyeol hummed. 

Kyungsoo and Jongin had been tiptoeing around each other ever since Chanyeol had met them, sometimes they were more like boyfriends, and sometimes they were just guys who lived together. Their relationship was the source of many tear filled conversations between Chanyeol and Jongin, and many stiff, cold ones with Kyungsoo. 

They were an excellent example as to why Chanyeol liked avoiding the whole love thing, at least for now. In his mind, it didn’t make sense to break yourself over such trivial things like feelings, especially at the prime of youth. He had a lot on his plate already, a double major in film and business, plus his part time job all kept him busy enough to make love something secondary.

Besides, he had Yixing and Junmyeon. They were more than enough right now. For some reason, the thought of Baekhyun fluttered to the front of his mind but he pushed it away. 

“Kyungsoo’s clueless sometimes. He doesn’t mean to hurt you,” Chanyeol said, pulling Jongin into a brief hug. “Personally I think you can do better than him,” Chanyeol jokes, making Jongin snort and pull away from him. 

“Yeah, but maybe I don’t want to.” Jongin’s eyes were big and emotional, and Chanyeol found himself feeling something swell in his stomach like butterflies. 

Jongin really liked Kyungsoo, that much was apparent. Chanyeol could only ever guess what that felt like, to care so much for someone in such a deep way, but the way that Jongin looked at him now was making him wonder. Maybe he wanted to know that feeling. 

They sat on the couch in silence, Jongin leaning against his arm like a pillow and Chanyeol quietly pondering. Sehun came out of the shower after a few more minutes and Chanyeol took his turn to wash the gym smell from his body. After he got dried and dressed, Kyungsoo announced that dinner was ready and they all sat at the table to eat. Kyungsoo had a real gift with food, even his leftovers were amazing. 

Sehun left a little after eating, saying he had to do some school stuff even though they all knew he was probably going to play video games for the rest of the night, and Chanyeol decided to let Kyungsoo and Jongin work their own issues out alone. He went to his room and took his phone and the crumpled napkin piece Baekhyun had thrown at him. The thought of Baekhyun’s scrunched nose as he wrote on it made Chanyeol smile, and he unwrapped the napkin. He sat on his bed and opened his messaging app, typing the number in and preparing to send a text.

Chanyeol was a natural texter, as someone who struggled to face people in real life, he always found himself able to communicate better with a screen between himself and others. But for some reason, words wouldn't come to him at that moment. He wrote something before deleting the whole thing, horrified at the way he had written it. 

Why was he so nervous? There was nothing to be nervous about, it wasn't like Baekhyun could dislike him any more than he already did, plus Chanyeol had decided to bother him until Baekhyun gave in. He wrote a few other attempts at a text before throwing his phone aside and sighing. He threw himself beside it and ran his hands through his hair. Again with the nerves. 

If I didn't know any better, said a voice in his head that sounded a lot like Kyungsoo, I would say you actually like Byun Baekhyun. He closed his eyes tightly. He didn't. Baekhyun was cute, sure, but he was way too much of a tightass for Chanyeol. Plus he hated his guts, which was a pretty big turn off. Chanyeol just wanted to deal with this project and maybe make Baekhyun stop hating him. That was all.

He clapped his hands and sat up, grabbing his phone. He glared at it for a second before opening it and going to the messaging app again. He typed with a fury and finally sent a message. He looked at his phone for a minute, rereading the message. He hated it. Holy shit he hated it. He groaned, falling back into his mattress with his phone clasped to his chest. He lay there, wondering if he could jump out of his window without causing damage to the rest of the dorms when his phone pinged. 

He scrambled to check it, letting out a little victory whoop when he saw Baekhyun had texted him back. Oh. He frowned at his phone for a moment at the sharp question Baekhyun had sent him. A smile slipped onto his face when he pictured the way Baekhyun was no doubt glaring at his phone. He was adorable, this would be too much fun. He shot back a reply and waited. Sure enough, Baekyhyun's snappy response was quick, and Chaneyol grinned to himself. He was about to respond before he caught himself. Maybe he shouldn't answer right away. 

His mind churned with ideas and he put his phone down. Baekhyun was nothing but impatient with Chanyeol. To get the best effect, he would have to wait. He decided to look at his work schedule and think about what he had to do for the project in film history. He might want to bother Baekhyun but he wasn't going to let the whole thing bring his grade down. The scholarship he had would disappear if he let himself slip too far, and then he would have to explain to his family why he suddenly couldn't help them with their future. 

He finally decided to write back to Baekhyun, sending him a few dumb jokes he knew usually made people flush and stutter when he used them in person but he knew Baekhyun would find annoying as fuck. Finally he asked if Baekhyun was free the next day to work together, hoping he would say no so he could pester him about it. He sat back, a grin on his face as he saw the message be read and no sign of a response. Surely Baekhyun would say no because he thought he was irritating, and Chanyeol would be saved from him for a day and he could laugh at him. He felt his smile widen as he saw Baekhyun typing after a couple minutes, fully prepared to shoot back a teasing message. 

Sure. See you then. 

Chanyeol's smile vanished, and he stared. He said yes? Holy shit. He blinked and put his phone down. He hadn't prepared for a yes. What was he supposed to do now? His mind spun before he landed on an idea. He snatched his phone up again and looked for a specific contact. 

Hey, you free tomorrow?

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[honestsycrets]

No Thieves Welcome IX: Sleepover!

Author’s Notes | written for @grungyblonde

❛ pairing | hvitserk/reader

❛ word count | 3330

❛ genre | angst, smut 

❛ summary | to margrethe’s misfortune, ubbe lies like shit.

❛ warnings | angst, smut, manipulation, dark!hvitserk, cursing, pissed!hvitserk, make ups 

Why was it that you attempted to break up with him?

He considers what if could have been-- of what it was. It could have been any number of things really. Magnus was at his short list of possibilities. But… what if it was something else? Not enough spoiling, he thinks. Women liked those things. Shit, he did too. Or maybe it was the fact that he didn’t do shit on that stupid ass research paper or in physics? Damn, it could have been that too.

“Hvitserk, you aren’t eating.” Ubbe knocks him in the ribs with his elbow over his spring rolls with peanut sauce, jam packed with his favourite bean sprouts and lettuce. His green eyes shift dully over to the food sitting before him, reaching for a his frozen passion fruit boba. They came to eat after Hvitserk got his first tattoo, long black streaks on one of his forearm… and, a little piercing for you to enjoy later.

“Yeah, sorry.” He murmurs. “(Y/N) tried to break up with me. Shit, she only wants to be friends.”

Then-- he notices the change in his older brother. The one where his eyes fall distantly and he lacks the words to explain what exactly is on his mind. He knows Ubbe better than that though. He’s a terrible fucking liar when it’s to his very own brothers.

“What is it? You’ve been like this for days, Ubbe.” He says, sitting dead pan. Short of putting the roll into his mouth, he tells his brother exactly what is on his mind. Ubbe’s toned chest rises and falls, his pressed white button up tight on his chest.

“She didn’t tell you.” He states, bringing his arms to fold one over another.

“Didn’t tell me what?” Hvitserk hisses. That Magnus was why you were breaking up with him? Man, that would have been a long ass time coming. As long as there wasn’t another man in the picture, shit. Everyone knew that Hvitserk Ragnarsson had made claim to you. But… if he had to fight someone, he god damn well would have. You were his and he would do anything to solidify that.

“Margrethe shoved her down some stairs.”

What. His face reflects the shock. No, not shock. He knew that Margrethe was jealous. Insanely jealous with a lascivious tongue that had been running at school claiming that you had an STD. He rebuked that one back-- if anyone had an STD, it was probably his insane little fuck buddy Margrethe. Hvitserk bends his head down, running his fingers through his long, honey coloured hair.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? Why did you fucking know before I did!?” He lashes out, shoving his fist onto the table. Ubbe holds up his hands in defense, staring just as heatedly to his little brother.

“Calm down.” He says. “I only knew because I was on my way to her house when it happened.”

His hand squeezes and releases, eyes darting around the untouched dishes on top of the table. The people dining around stare upon Hvitserk, waiting for him to snap his shit like he wanted to. He easily could have but not today. Not today. His thumb sweeps the stubble above his thin upper lip.

“Where is Margrethe?” His voice shakes.

He knew better than that. She’d hurt you if given the chance.

“Margrethe!”

He’s banging down her door. Fist, thumping the wood. Margrethe’s normally kept up nails are torn bits of acrylic, shuddering as her lover threatens to crack open the door at any moment. They should have been at school. Margrethe had been skipping since Aethelwulf came to see her. She could go to jail! Or prison! She was too cute for prison.

“Margrethe!”

How had someone not called the police on Hvitserk outside of her door?

She hesitates in answering but… the last thing she needed was the police here again. As she opens the heavy foor, her eyes are downcast. This is the last thing she wants to do after all. In front of the door, Hvitserk has a calm appearance. He walks in on light feet despite his heavy boots.

“Hey, Margrethe.” He smooths his large hand over her cheek as she looks at him with meek, almost gentle eyes. There’s a storm behind them. It’s quickly evident when she lurches toward him, the fist behind her hand with a long but sharp bread knife that she’s probably spent far too long sharpening. Hvitserk snatches her wrist, twisting it about her back and shoves her into the dividing wall between the entryway and the bedroom. Then kicking the door shut, he wrangles it from her grip. The blood courses down his forearm.

“Shit.” He proceeds to pat her down, lifting her modest cream slip up to feel within her thin panties. When he’s satisfied that there’s nothing else, he kicks off of the wall.

“What was that?” He leans in, combing a piece of mismanaged hair behind the round shell of her ear. “Did you think I was going to hurt you, hm?’

“You were beating the door.” She squeaks. “And you could have done it, you could have! Who knows what you would have done for that whore! She came here wearing your stupid hoodie!”

Shhh, shhh, shhh. Hvitserk brings his finger to her lip. He spreads his legs where he stands and urges her to keep silent. It was just like Margrethe anymore to spout off. The more he moved toward other the women-- the more this would happen. Hvitserk flicks his head in the direction of the mismatched kitchen. There he would chuck the knife into the drawer, complete with child locks.

“Did you go off your lithium? Or wellbutrin?” Hvitserk asks at long last, snapping them shut.

“You know I don’t like them.” She admits to her lack of use of the drug. Not… entirely surprising, Hvitserk thinks. He had little doubt that Ubbe was pulling away from Margrethe in the last few weeks. Hvitserk walks over to the cabinet where the medicines were, finding that the medicine was still… there, definitely unused. He pops one open, taking a dosage of each and slamming them down on the short breakfast bar. Then going into the fridge, he pulls free a bottle of water and places that too before her.

“You know she’s my number one fuck. She’s gonna be my fucking girl whether you like it or not.” Hvitserk pushes the cabinet shut, shoving his hands into his pockets this time. A sneer rises on Margrethe’s face the second the words leave his lips. It’s almost as if she’s going to snap off again, or perhaps sob, he’s not sure which.

“It’s not fair.” She begins, but Hvitserk holds his hand up to cut her off. There’s something that he has to tell her and he can’t put it off anymore. His eyes fall to the clicking fake silver plated clock behind her.

“I don’t want to sleep with you anymore.” Hvitserk returns his hands down, folding his hand into a ball. “I like you so maybe I’ve been putting off telling you for your health but enough is enough. Don’t think I didn’t find out you pushed her down the stairs.”

Before she can even recover from that, he pushes himself from where he was to walk around her. His hand curls through her long, blonde hair, pushing her hair onto one of her delicate shoulders.

“I won’t let you get in the way.” He bends down to whisper into her ear. “So don’t make it an issue, Margrethe, hm? You’re too pretty to end up like Magnus.”

She could never be okay with being replaced. As she turns in her chair to plead with him, calling you this that and the other thing-- he only smiles in feigned weakness for her. Let the crazy woman rant out her frustrations. To no avail she pleads with him to see her side of things. When that doesn’t work, she defaults to the one thing that she knows he usually couldn’t say no too.

“One last time?”

She knows it's really over when he purses his lips together.

A hot shower soothes the aches from your tumble down the steps. The warm steam soothes your bones, but the cool little shower tabs that Asta gave you warmed over your skin with hints of jasmine and ylang ylang.

“Man, I always knew that Margrethe was bat shit crazy, but I never knew how fuckin’ bat shit she was!” Asta exclaims as you step out of the shower in nothing more but a fluffy towel. You had bruises in places where there shouldn’t have been bruises.

“I knew she loved him... But to push me down the stairs?” You pout, coming to your cabinet where all your K-Beauty items were. After double cleansing your face, you took a small puff full of your favourite toner to clean your face.

Asta sits on your toilet like a pretzel, leaning back and forth with that dumbfounded, curious look on her face. She leans forward, inching and inching until she’s nearly falling off.

“So what did Hvitty say?” She asks.

Nothing because you hadn’t told him. If you were going to be friends with him, you didn’t need him flying off the handle and asking you what happened, how it happened, where it happened and all that. You can live without that blowout.

“You think I told him?” You laugh off the thought. If Hvitserk knew-- and that was a big if, you didn’t know how he would react. Shit, maybe he would pick her over you. It seemed like more than you personally wanted to deal with.

“You should tell him.” Asta folds her arms. “I mean, call me stupid, but he loves you.”

You glance over to her, tossing the bit of cotton away and reaching into your drawer to pull out a pearl face mask. With one awkward exchange of looks, the both of you laugh.

“You’re stupid.”

Your phone gives off a jaunty ring similar to that of a doorbell trilling. You grasp your phone from the grey pebble countertop, pulling up the stupid little doorbell app that your mother insisted on installing outside the door.

“Speak of the devil…” You murmur, flashing your phone at Asta. She squeaks adorably, hopping up and squeeing right next to you. He looks… different. His hoodie is off, over his firm arms. In place of that, he has a slim black button up. It looks strange on a man wearing a bun. You rush over to the rectangular window, overseeing the entrance to the house on the second floor.

“He’s here!” Asta laughs.

It would interrupt your night at home-- a sleepover with Asta in place of your family being home. Your father was a man often busy with work as he always was growing up. Your mother? Well, she just happened to be working night shifts on a cycle every six months.

“Go, go, go to the spare! Give me that.” You sweep the phone from her fingertips. She laughs, sneaking down the hall while you answer the video call.

I’m on my way! You say.

Hvitserk jumps cutely, swaying to stare at the modest black camera attached to the wall.

“What the fuck is this?” He grins cheekily, moving in to the camera so that you can outline the green of his eye. The way down the stairs is long and tiresome. You almost forget several steps on your way down, snapping this lock and that until the door pops open.

“A camera, dummy.” You pull the door open-- and to your surprise, Hvitserk drops that wholesome smile. His eye runs over the hem of your not so modest towel against your upper thighs. Whatever information he registered shoots right back to his dick, because he hardens up from the semi-hard state your voice put him into to hard in a matter of seconds.

“Yeah… you’re uh… towel?” He flicks his fingers down, reasoning with himself to calm the hell down.

“I like to shower before bed, Hvitserk.”

Not helping. Hvitserk clears his throat, suddenly finding these dark blue jeans really tight from the way his hand drops down around his dick. He leans forward, finding no one behind you. No signs of life either.

“Your people ain’t here?” He asks. In response you step aside, allowing for Hvitserk to step forward into the house. You pull the door shut with a pop of the lock, sneaking onto your tippy toes to kiss him smoothly on the lips.

“Nope!” You chirp the golden words. Or at least half golden.

“You mean I got all dressed up for nothing?” Hvitserk unbuttons the first few buttons on his chest, revealing smooth skin marked by a few honey curls. “Bullshit that is.”

“Always a silver lining though.” Then he shrugs his shoulders, turning back to you. There is one hand that is clasped upon the knot holding your fluffy towel up. You almost release the towel-- if not for knowing that Asta was in the spare, you probably would have. The longer this relationship went on, the more you knew there were certain things he expected of you. Putting out was one of them.

“What did you come here for?” You ask, ambling back toward the staircase. Hvitserk follows after like a hungry dog, fixated upon your trembling fingers. With a lurch and a miss from Hvitserk, you sneak up the stairs.

“Didn’t come ‘ere to get pussy if that’s what you’re thinkin’.” He breaches the top of the staircase. “Bet you were hopin’ for it though. Answerin’ the got damn door in a fuckin’ towel.”

“I saw you coming.” You flick your phone, glinting against the lights that Asta left on. He narrows his eyes at you-- the last warning before he bursts into a run after you while simultaneously cursing his tight ass pants. The giggles combined with Hvitserk’s ragged pants filter in between the crack of Asta’s door.

Hvitserk catches you in the run, grabbing your neck and shoving you up against your bedroom door. A bruising grip to your neck keeps your head tight against the door while Hvitserk rips away the fluffy towel away from your body. Hvitserk’s hand comes down upon your ass with a harsh pop, slapping your skin hot and red.

“Ow! Hvitserk!”

He was rough but not usually this rough! Hvitserk shifts you to face him, his annoying pants loosened and cast off. You feel him before you actually even see the tip of his dick pushing into your moist walls. It’s your shared favourite feeling-- the way that he breaches you and the way that you take him in. For stability’s sake, your hands come to his shoulders even as his prop you up.

It’s strangely different this time.

Almost like a bump-- heavy in your cunt. You look down at Hvitserk as he moves, questioning if balls deep was really the right time to ask him if his dick had something wrong with it. Not bad wrong! You certainly felt a flutter of pleasure when he pushed forward and raked back but--

“It’s a piercing.” He slurs out. Oh. That explains it. “Squeeze me and see how it feels.”

Despite your raised eyebrows-- you do. Too much at first, because he buckles. He shakes his head adorably. Wait, why was it adorable?

“Fuck not that tight. Smooth it out.” He commands. So you do… and before long, he’s the one moaning. Smooth thrusts within your sweet pussy time with your clenching-- and before long, Hvitserk is the one filling the house with his grunts.

Shit, the house. Asta was in the house! It was only down the hall!

Taking it upon yourself, you lean forward to catch his lips. He’s momentarily stunted by the initiation of a wet kiss but just as quickly kisses you back. His breath hitches, puffing against your lips with every squishy sweep of his hips losing control. The first kiss in a while-- and he hates himself for his tummy fluttering. That was the start of the end. In a quick spiral, he hilts and lets his seed spill just where it shouldn’t have: inside of you. This was getting to be a bad, bad habit.

And shit, he was in deep.

“Mother fucker…” He curses under his breath, giving a few shallow thrusts until it was all to nothing. As he sets you back down, it crosses his mind of what a got damn mess he made of your freshly bathed body. The sleepiness hits him right away, loosening the collar of his button up even more.

“You might as well take it off.” You note.

“Whatever you want, princess.”

Off it goes over the floor and like a stupid ass, Hvitserk leans down to his jacket while you move to your bed. Asta would be fine, right? She had the television, her tablet and free wifi. Dinner had been made and usually you would just gossip. So… of course you could skip a girls night with her this one time.

“Why did you come here, anyway?” You ask, slipping beneath the fluffy covers and probably spilling his seed over the sheets. Spunk is supposed to stick so what the hell ever! It would be fine. Hvitserk crinkles a cherry red wrapper, dropping it into the trash and pushing the cherry red treat into his mouth.

Did he always have sweets before bed? He slips beneath the sheets, moving his arm underneath your neck to support you. Friends, you told him you would just be friends. Only be friends!

“Because you were hidin’ shit from me.” Hvitserk turns you in to look at him. It occurs to you that you still have bruising from your fall over your body. In shock of this random fuck… you hadn’t thought about the blotches that mar your skin like the palette of a blueberry high artist. Probably shouldn’t have acted stupid, but you did.

“What was I hiding?” You ask.

Hvitserk makes it his goal to pull your leg over his, snuggling obnoxiously close. What was probably too close before friends but ha, you had his creamy nut between your legs so that was SO far gone already.

“Margrethe.” All he needs for an answer is in that statement alone, but he expands on his statement. “You’re supposed to tell me if shit is up, (Y/N). Pushing you down a flight of fucking stairs? What did you think I wouldn’t take care of you?”

That was a little self explanatory in the fact that you had gotten flung down the stairs.

“You fuck her. You beat Magnus.”

Yeaaaah, but that was Magnus. He’d never do that to you. Men were one thing… women were another. Well, at least good girls. Margrethe had never been a good girl. This sounded like a sack of shit even to him.

“Look I used to fuck her. But I don’t now, honest.” He clicks his lollipop against his pearly teeth, stained with the artificial colouring. “You’re my girl, not her. She’s Ubbe’s girl or-- whatever.”

Probably not anymore but shit, the point remained. He can only hope that you believe him… despite his failings, that he wouldn’t just fuck one pussy and then another. Or at least not when it was you! He knows his reputation proceeds him.

“We’ve been over this Hvit. I’m not--”

“Yeah, yeah, not my girl. Whatever.” He cuts you off, pulling you in. Your hand rests against the smooth, sweaty curls of his chest. “But I want ya to be.”

What were you supposed to say to that?

No, no would have been a good start. Instead, you flutter those stupid eyelashes at him and snuggle in against him, enjoying a rare and intimate moment of peace. Despite your phone vibrating somewhere on the ground.

How could you be so stupid?

@igetcarriedawaywithyou, @kylobien, @titty-teetee, @breathlessouls, @nejijjeoroo, @bcat1291, @readsalot73, @mslothbrok (no mix), @romanchronicles, @captstefanbrandt, @ailucascen, @michaeliskindahot, @concretewaywardangel, @naaladareia, @cbouvier23, @the-geeky-engineer, @dorned, @lisinfleur, @funmadnessandbadassvikings, @tephi101, @akamaiden, @Kirah34, @ethereallysimple, @venusloviing, @happylittlepuppydog, @beyond-the-ashes, @slutforrpg, @laketaj24@hipsternoionlylikeunicorns, @mixedwiththemoon, @sparklemichele, @alicedopey, @lif3snotouttogetyou, @rubyquartzshades, @noregretsandyeteveryregret, @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol, @deathbyarabbit, @unacceptabletatertots, @beyond-the-ashes (no sig), @babypink224221, @titty-teetee, @ivarandersen, @queen-see-ya-in-valhalla, @moose-squirrel-asstiel, @icarus-fell-in-spring, @piebytheocean, @strangunddurm, @atequila, @rekdreams247, @justacrush, @ivarswonderlust, @peachesnpisces, @elenawrit, @equalstrashflavoredtrash, @roxxck, @dylanowhyyien, @ilvebeenabad, @vikingsmania, @huntingbears, @My-Little-Wolfe, @seize-the-droid, @Certifiedpoison, @hotshotstar, @deans–chevy–baby, @moondustmemories, @colourmeinblue, @ilvebeenabad, @squirtleandeeveearethebest, @rubyquartzshades, @queenmissfit, @calaena-banrion, @hallowed-heathen, @Kirah34, @lulura, @looneytunes20033, @Imamom-makingadifference, @sunlightdaniel, @neeadinghugs, @Funmadnessbadassvikings, @mblaqgi, @Natmors, @triumphantreturnofpies, @dmv49, @imavulcanatheart, @attorneyl, @nina2697, @iconicvaleria, @lovelynerdytraveler, @tierneygonzalez, @zabee113, @meganjudee, @nininstinct, @sdcyumyum, @ms-allenbrown, @pancake-blonde, @ivarswickedqueen, @starkiddreamer, @Orange Darko @austenkingmylady, @thisisparadisemylove, @pinkrockstar19, @jeowjungkook, @threewintersoldiers, @end-of-night, @yaminax-kuss-a , @gruffle1, @arses21434@natalie-rdr, @tempt-ress, @Sirena-wesker, @thevikingsheaux, @poisonedjoinery, @smokealone, @chewythecatus, @glopsifum, @laughinglikenialler, @lefrenchfrye, @she-walks-in-the-moonlight, @mybarnesmyhero, @vengefulflange, @imcreepininyourheartbabe, @therealmrshale, @that-goodgirl, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @athroatfullofglass

[abitgingerwrites]

BKDK Positivity Week

Worth ★ Winter Hero Costume ★ Vigilante

Midoriya steps out of his apartment into the brisk late-winter air, and stretches. Finally Friday night! he thinks to himself, tension from the week ebbing away at the idea of getting to spend the evening with friends.  Ever since the previous semester, Friday nights were his scheduled social time with Uraraka Ochako and Iida Tenya. Tonight, the bar they were meeting up at was within walking distance, so despite the cold Midoriya decided against hitching a ride. Instead, he snuggles into his puffy emerald coat and starts his trek.

When he gets to the bar, a place called “Lucky’s,” he smiles at the doorman and heads on in, glancing around. He sees his friends are already sitting at their preferred booth, and waves to them as he approaches. “Hi guys, hope you weren’t waiting long on little old me!”

Uraraka grins brightly up at him, scooting over to give him room to sit. “Not at all, Izuku! Tenya was just telling me about this new podcast he’s been listening to.”

Midoriya smiles back at her, taking the seat. “Oh? Do tell!”

Iida clears his throat. “Yes! So it’s a musicologist and a producer who provide amusing discourse about pop music, and the elements that make them popular in our society - of course, these songs have got nothing on the likes of Beethoven or Rachmaninov, but they can be surprisingly calculated!” Iida continues to ramble on about the show, and Midoriya relaxes into the seat, always so pleasantly surprised by how easy the three of them can pick up a conversation after not seeing each other for a week.  It wasn’t any of their faults, of course - they tried to chat more often, and had even created a group text thread, but between Midoriya’s piano lessons, Iida’s conducting Doctorate and Uraraka’s Multiple Woodwinds program, their schedules rarely line up. Hence, the Friday Night Mandate. If any of the three missed one Friday, they would have to pay for drinks the next time they all got together - a rule set forth by Uraraka, who could easily drink the other two under the table.

Midoriya offers to grab a round of drinks, and is soon knocking back a double rum and coke. Uraraka raises her eyebrows at him. “Rough week, huh Izuku? I thought your semester just started like, two days ago!”

He groans at the reminder, feeling the beginnings of a buzz coming on as the alcohol burns in his throat. “Yes, it did. And I’m already so slammed I can barely breath!”

Iida cocks his head slightly, sipping at his own drink. “I know you must be busy with your coursework and lessons, but surely it can’t already be any more than the last couple of semesters, right? In this profession, staying busy is essential to finding any sort of success after all.”

Midoriya holds back a sarcastic “Thanks dad,” but just barely. Instead, he sighs and says, “It’s more than that. The jazz professor asked me to join the Golden Lab Band, THE Golden Lab Band! So there’s all the usual stuff, plus the pressure of being in such a high-calibre ensemble, and then, I got coerced into taking on another .. interesting project…” Midoriya set down his empty glass and put his head in his hand, resting the elbow on the table. “I’m always being walked all over by people who just see me for my talent, or something. Even though it’s something I’ve had to work so hard for.” These thoughts had been plaguing him for a while now, but only now in his exhausted, stressed out state -- was he drunk already? He couldn’t tell -- suddenly everything came to a head in his mind and it all kept spilling out. “And I’m afraid I’m going to just let them all down… if that makes any sense?”

Uraraka launches onto him, clapping her hands on his cheeks and turning his gaze toward her. “Izuku, you are NOT drunk enough to be spouting off all that garbage. And you DEFINITELY aren’t going to let anyone down!! I’ve heard you play circles around some of the professors even, for goodness sake!” She lets him go, but not without giving his cheeks a good last squeeze. She pokes a finger to his forehead and continues, “I think you do need to learn how to say no to things, though. If you don’t want to do something, you absolutely can back out! The pros do it all the time. You’re at the level where you can focus on the things you really want to do, not just what someone says you ‘should’ do.” Finally, she turns back to the table. “Right, Tenya?”

“Couldn’t have said it better, Ochako. It’s like that idol of yours always says, the world-class violinist Toshinori- ‘music for music’s sake.’ If you don’t think a certain undertaking will improve your understanding of music, or create worthwhile music, you shouldn’t feel obligated to comply.”

Midoriya takes a moment to process this, as suddenly processing words is a little more of a struggle than usual, before tearing up and hugging Uraraka, and Iida over the table. “Thanks you guys, so mu-uch!” he manages to say.

Uraraka looks at him in wonder. “How are you drunk already?! Have you been eating properly Izuku? Izuku!?”

Midoriya decides not to answer that one, and instead just laughs it off, releasing the two from the hug. “Really guys, I’m so grateful for you both.” He wipes a tear off his face. “Sorry about all that! When you put it that way, it reminded me of the goal here. I’m going to keep on working hard so that my music can affect someone’s life for the better. And we’re all going to make the world see that a life of music is absolutely worthwhile!”

The other two cheer, and toast their glasses. Midoriya looks at his empty glass for another second, then gets up before Uraraka pulls him back into the booth. “Oh no you don’t, mister. You’re cut off for the night! Honestly, after only one drink…”

The three friends laugh and talk the night away, and Midoriya accepts a ride back to his apartment from Iida.

The next morning, Midoriya’s alarm goes off at 7am, which he shuts off once he remembers it’s a Saturday and goes back to sleep, oblivious to everything. He awakens again at 9:30, and blearily checks his phone to see a couple texts from Uraraka making sure he was ok, some school emails, and a reminder from his Calendar app - “10 AM - Bakugou - Don’t piss him off.”

Midoriya jumps up, frantically getting dressed, brushing his teeth and hair, and just barely remembers to grab his bag of music on his way out the door. He half speed walks, half jogs down to the practice building and just barely makes it right at 10. He checks his phone, which has one new message - “3rd Floor. - Bakugou Katsuki”

Dashing up the stairs, Midoriya pauses at the 3rd floor landing, panting. He waits a little bit to catch his breath, and hears muffled trumpet music. He walks toward the sound, and stops outside the door it’s coming from. The sound is enchanting, notes floating along the air, a beautiful vibrato on some longer pitches, all in a somber tone. Midoriya takes another breath, steadying himself to open the door, when the music stops and the door slams open with a whoosh, causing him to have to quickly dodge.

“WHERE IS THAT- YOU.” Bakugou notices Midoriya next to the door and glares at him. “You’re late. What are you doing standing around here, nerd? Get your ass in gear!” Bakugou grumbles, returning to the small practice room.

Midoriya releases the breath he had been holding since nearly losing a hand to a door, and follows him. Do it for the music… it’ll be worth it for the music….

To be continued….

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 4

[iamsonyeondone]

secret little dancer

*˙˚○ park woojin x reader

*˙˚○ enemies to lovers!park woojin

*˙˚○ fluff!! and tbh i dont know if you can call it angsty??

*˙˚○ 3.3k words

*˙˚○ requested by @wanna1orwanna11

(gif does not belong to me!!)

"Honey, I need to go unpack some things and give your little brother a more comfortable place to take his nap, so why don't you go play with our new neighbors? That kid seems pretty cool if you ask me," Your mother smiled sweetly before returning her attention to the piles of boxes she had to unpack with your dad. Your family had just moved into a new neighborhood, seeing as their previous home wasn’t big enough to raise a family with two hyper kids in a tiny apartment in the city.

Being the eccentric little 7 year old, you skipped your way to your new neighbor, excited about making a new friend. But once you had gone out of your way to greet him kindly just as what your mother would instruct you to do, he ignored you and continued to play with his little action figures as if you didn't even exist. But you didn't give up just yet, thinking that this kid was just shy and needed a little push to open up. Once he opened his mouth, you were elated to see that he was finally going to respond to you but poor little naive you didn't see what was coming next.

"You're annoying me. Go away," He spouted, shooting up from his sitting position in his front yard and walking away where you wouldn't be able to disturb his little imaginary adventure. You took his words to heart, accepting his words as a declaration of war and that the both of you had become sworn enemies at that exact moment. Who knew kids could hold onto grudges? "Mom, where's my black socks? I put it beside my bag just a few minutes ago!" You whined, your feet bouncing on the ground from the nervousness that welled up inside you. You didn't want to be late for the third time that week, especially when it would taint your only decent record that year.

"Check underneath your bag, honey. Also don't forget to bring your brother along. You forgot about him yesterday," Your mother shouts from the kitchen as she washed the dishes. Once you caught the sight of your socks peeking from underneath your bag, you heaved a sigh of relief and slipped them on before you called your brother down from school.  

"Look who's finally up," Woojin scoffs, already walking down the pavement to school as he eyed you and your brother.

"Hey, what's up hyung!" Guanlin exclaimed, rushing towards your enemy with opening arms. Sometimes you wished your brother was that nice to you as when he was with Woojin. Well, everyone seemed to like Woojin except you. In fact, girls would swoon over his charms and his dancing skills whenever he performed. But you could never see him that way, especially with how he has been so despicably rude towards you ever since the both of you first met. The both of you just never clicked.

Once the boys were too occupied with whatever conversation they had going, you slipped past them and walked as fast as your legs could carry. Not only were you worried about your grades but you were just not accepting of being in the same vicinity as him -  his presence could make your blood boil just by the sight of him and you weren't going to let him ruin your day today.

"(Y/N)!" Jihoon calls you over once you step into your next class. Once you had finally settled down in the seat next to his, it was protocol that the both of you catch up with the latest gossip from your previous classes before your teacher arrived. Spilling tea was your specialty. 

"You know I have a feeling Woojin finally has a crush on someone. I know the dude doesn't talk about girls much,  except for BoA of course, but he's been saying and asking really weird things about how I flirt with girls," Jihoon rambles on until a topic finally traveled through your ears.

"Wait, do you mean The Park Woojin? That kid's not going to make it, even if he tried. He's such a rude prick!" You furrowed your eyebrows, recalling all the moments that Woojin had bluntly called you names and how he would stare holes through your soul as if you owed him a million dollars.

"But (Y/N), you do know he has a fan club right? And if your blabbering mouth continues , those girls over there that's staring you down right now, will punch you six feet into the ground," Jihoon was now whispering, his eyes slowly traveling to the group of girls and back to you. Even though Jihoon was known for being manly yet cute, no one had the courage to go against those girls, even if someone bet a million dollars to agitate them. With the roll of your eyes you turned around to look into their direction to meet their intense gaze on you. Sure, they were scarily intimidating but you also pitied them for being infatuated with a guy that had worse manners than an animal. Before you could flip a finger at them, your teacher comes rushing in, a wave of ' I'm sorry' s filling the room as she fumbles with her tall stack of papers. 

In a blink of an eye, school hours had finally ended, leaving you to head over to the Music Club where you get to unwind from all the relentless studying you had been doing for the past few days. You slide the door open to see no one there, a great opportunity for you to practice your own songs without being bombarded with questions on how you started or if they could give your songs a try. You placed your belongings to the side, fetching your notebook full of your ideas and headed over to the piano. After going through some simple melodies as a starter, you flipped your notebook onto a page where you had been meticulously working on for the past few weeks. 

You didn't notice the shadow by the door frame when you were attempting to belt your high notes and nail them, repeating the line over again before continuing with the next. Even with the figure swaying to the rhythm, you still hadn't realised their presence and before you knew it, they were dancing on the spot, their fluid movements matching your soothing music. 

"Hey Woo- whoah where is he going?" You hear JInyoung's voice by the door, the sound caught you off guard as you pressed a wrong key before shooting a glance towards his direction. Jinyoung's expression matched yours, confused and shocked written all over both your faces. He walked over to you, still glancing at the door as if he had a weird sighting just a few hours ago.

"Hi (Y/N), I hope your practicing for our upcoming performances and not a concert of your own," He joked, looking over your notebook to see the lyrics you had written down. Although you hated having watchful eyes scanning your work, you didn't mind it when it was with JInyoung - he was always giving back feedback and and tips whenever you were stuck with a line or unsure with what key suited the line best.

"What do you mean concert, Baejin. I could barely even make a song," You chuckled, shutting it close once the members came rushing in.

"You didn't see your little dancer back there?" He asked, raising a brow.

"Ok you're being delusional and scaring me. I've been the only person in this room before you came in," You explained, tucking your book back into your bag as you fetched your other book that was only used for your club activities. At that moment, Jinyoung knew not to continue on any further and ushered you to join the group before club activities started. He cracked a smile as he shook his head before he gathered the members and did his usual briefing routine as the club’s president.

Days passed by and now a month had flown by in a blink of an eye. You headed for the music room once again, eager to finally polish up your song since your performances with the Music Club had finally ceased. But you were greeted with Jinyoung's figure in the room, practicing his vocals with his favorite songs.

"It's weird to see you being earlier than me," You teased, taking out your notebook once again, it being a routine for you.

"My teacher gave us the wrong experiment to do and almost lit the whole school on fire so he cancelled the class half way since we're done with the topic for the week," He chuckled, remembering the chaos back at the lab. Once you took your seat at the piano, Jinyoung takes a seat next to you, requesting that the both of you should do a duet on your song together. You quickly agreed, excited to see the outcome as you took your phone from your pocket and readied the recording app.

After finally getting the perfect recording, you hugged him tightly, extremely grateful for the efforts he had willingly put in to help you. But when you were facing the entrance in the process of showering Jinyoung with compliments and squeezing the life out of him in the process, you see a familiar face standing right there, obviously not happy with how close you were with a guy you considered a friend. He never seemed happy whenever you were around anyway. WIth a scoff, Woojin walked away from your sight. But it wasn't his appearance that shocked you the most but the rose that you caught sight of in the midst of it. Who was that for?

"You finally saw your little dancer, huh?" Jinyoung asked once you broke away from the hug, your expression not matching your bubbly attitude just a few seconds ago. The gears in your head whirred and you tried to register what your friend had just said. And then you connected the dots. Woojin had been passing by ever since Jinyoung mentioned the ‘little dancer’.

You were now running, your lungs tightening with every step you took. You had almost scanned the entire school grounds, your legs now aching from the multiple flights of stairs you had taken. Worry and confusion swelled in your chest as a wave of questions overwhelmed you. Had he really been coming over for the past month, to see you sing your heart out? Now that you thought about it, heat crawled up your cheeks as you pat them harshly to slap the warmth away, the actions obviously doing no good to you. Even though you weren’t sure about why you were chasing him down, your heart was pulling you to do so, and taking control of your legs as your mind became a jumbled mess of questions and theories. You had one area left to search and you weren't giving up just yet. 

Once you opened the door to the rooftop, your heart began to pound at the sight of Woojin. His back hunched as he folded his arms on the railings, the rose now no where in sight. How were you going to approach him? You were too busy thinking about the possibilities of finding him that you didn't think things through. But you had to do something, you needed answers to all your questions, to clear your clouded thoughts and to finally make sense of the past events. Why would Woojin, the kid that hated your guts, come by the music room more than once? The both of you had the mutual agreement to avoid contact with one another at all costs. But could it be that the rose was for someone else? No, it couldn't be. You were always the first person to arrive at the music room, even people knew you for being so passionate with your hobby so it wasn't possible for Woojin to go to the music room if he knew you were the first thing he would see.

You closed the door behind you, the old entrance screeching as it shut closed. With that, his attention was now on you, his back straightened in an awkward manner as he clenched his fists tight from embarrassment. You didn't know what to do either now that his eyes were now on you, this time not staring daggers through you but instead you see a vulnerable softness in his eyes you had never seen before. Your legs turn weak at the unexpected turn of events but you had to stand your guard. This guy had always been on your nerves since day 1. It wasn't possible for someone to change out of the blue.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, his voice nearly got swept by the strong winds that brushed the rooftop.

"I could ask the same to you. Why were you at the music room back there? If you needed to confess to a girl, grow a pair and call her out instead of hiding in the shadows. I didn't know you had a thing for one of my members," You stated, checking to see if all your frazzled thoughts about him and you were just a misunderstanding. Woojin chuckled at your words, not the kind that you do out of embarrassment but the kind where anger boils in your veins as you try to suppress it. He returns his attention to the dark clouds in the distance, not wanting to face you and the absurdities that you had tumbled right out of your mouth.

"If you have nothing else to say and just want to get on my nerve, I suggest you leave before you regret it," He shouts in the midst of the strong winds that almost had you stumbling.

"I've been regretting almost all of my time here since I met you, what else is there that could top it all?" You scoffed, folding your arms not only to hold in the concoction of feelings swirling in the pit of your stomach but also the cold breeze that didn't seem to settle. Your words left Woojin speechless, unable to hit you back with a witty remark as he silently watched the dark clouds approach. After a minute of the howling winds filling the void of silence between the both of you, a thunder cracks, frightening you as you held onto your ears, the sound making your heart pound right through your chest. Woojin heard your cry, looking back at you with an unfamiliar look in his eyes to see you crouching on the ground, curled up into a ball. After the next thunder boomed, you flinched, your sobs flowing like a relentless wave.

Seeing you in a weak state, all curled up and vulnerable, sent a pang of pain right through his chest. Instinctively, he removed his jacket and wrapped it around you. After fetching his phone and earpiece from his pocket, he places the earbuds in your ear and silenced the terrifying sounds of the upcoming storm with a melody you were familiar with. It was a recording of you singing and playing the piano to your own song and for a second, your heart beat increased for an entirely different reason. With your tear-stained cheeks, you looked up to see Woojin directly in front of you and you couldn't believe your eyes when you see a charming yet sheepish smile adorning his face as his snaggletooth peeked out from behind his lips. And then the both of you finally clicked.

"I'll help you get back home, it's still pouring out there and I don't think you want to camp over here," Woojin suggests as he takes his umbrella from his bag and unwinding it before pulling it up to shelter the both of you. You still had his jacket engulfing you and an earbud still attached to your ear while the other hung around your shoulder so that you could hear his words, but more to his voice that had turned surprisingly soft and soothing to your ears. If it weren't for his help, you would still be on the rooftop, shivering in fear as your feet was stubborn to move. And reminiscing the rare smile on his face at that moment, warmed up your cheeks, the cold now long forgotten.

Your once usual walk home felt excruciatingly long as your shoulders brushed one another every once in a while. You had never been this close to Woojin and neither did he, especially since the both of you hated each other's guts before the whole embarrassing ordeal of your fear of thunder had happened just a while ago. You could feel that Woojin was tense about the situation as well, his shoulders being terribly stiff as he remained completely silent.

"Woojin?" You murmured, keeping your eyes on the pavement ahead as Woojin hummed in question.

"Why do you hate me so much?" You questioned as you awaited his reply, not sure of what to expect from your first actual conversation with him. Although this felt extremely unfamiliar and new to you, it felt like you could finally relax and it was definitely not something you would want to change. You swore to hate him until you met your death bed but that was when you were just a kid who knew nothing better about how friendships were made.

"I don't hate you, I thought you started hating me first since all you did was give me a stink eye ever since you moved in next door," He answered frankly, his posture now relaxing. He didn't hate you? Then what was all that attitude back in the days? Was this all a misunderstanding? Woojin chuckled at your expression - you were wide-eyed and your jaw dropped to the ground.

"B-but you said I was annoying and even shooed me away. I'm pretty sure my ears were in perfect condition,"

"(Y/N), I was talking to my action figures for goodness sake. What made you think I would shoo away my neighbor? I walked away because I wanted to put away the figurine that I was ‘shooing away’. And now that you made me explain it, 7 year old me seemed wild," He laughed reminiscing the moment the both of you first met. "I was planning to finally grow a pair and get back to you after I kept it away but you were gone once I stepped outside,"

"O-oh. I'm sorry, I guess little me took things too far, huh? Also... I have another question. Who was that rose for?" You looked up towards him now, completely comfortable once you knew the fact that Woojin didn't have any intentions of hurting your feelings. You also couldn't help the need to clear your thoughts and to finally piece things together.

"...You really want to find out?" He asks, stopping dead in his tracks as he sheltered the both of you. You stared back into his eyes, unable to determine the emotion that was swimming in them. With a quick nod of your head, Woojin took a step forward, reducing the distance between the two of you as his face inched closer to yours. Surprisingly, you weren't moving away and instead reducing the distance on your part as well. But before your lips were centimeters away from his, he drops his head to your ear, his warm breath tickling your ear. "It's you, idiot," He chuckled as he backed away and revealed the same smile you had begun to crave. As your ears began to heat up along with your cheeks, you were flustered and bothered with the way Woojin had managed to string you along with his actions. And in an instant, you pulled his collar down, your lips colliding as sparks exploded in your chest.

Woojin was taken aback by your sudden action but soon followed suit as he deepened the kiss, cradling your neck with his hand. You parted away from him as you tried to catch your breath and let the overwhelming load of information sink in. As you looked back up to see Woojin's face, you manage to catch the sight of his flushed cheeks and the obvious wide and goofy smile that was plastered on his face.

"I hate you so much," You chuckled, leaning your head on his chest, taking in deep breaths to calm your pounding heart.

"It's not that hard to say I like you, y'know?" He teased as he engulfed you in his embrace, his arms warming you up to your core as he protected you from the relentless pouring rain. So much for being eternal enemies. 

A/N : I got lazy with trying to bold the dialogues so i guess my format will stay this way (-_-) I hope you guys liked this!! I had to rewrite it so many times because I kept having ideas that seemed more suitable?? Anyways, I hope all you sweet beans are having a nice day/afternoon/evening/night and if you didn’t, I hope this post helped and you could always swing by my ask if you need help <3

[cupnoodle-queen]

CHASING SUNS: Chapter 17 Nest

2,863 words

FOUR. CHAPTERS. LEFT. I’m so hype guys you don’t even know. Also, if you haven’t yet you should go read @nifwrites short Please Don’t Go: Part One that accompanies this chapter but from Raine and Ignis’s POV - Ya’ll have no idea how excited I am for the second part. 

Tagging some additional faves and part of the soulmate pals @blindbae and @themissimmortal, and I’m also going to shout out to @hanalwayssolo who’s probably one of the biggest fans of this story and who’s tags for each new chapter give me life ♥

Cam was lost.

Days melded together one after the other, without much to distinguish time passing save for the increased hollowness inside of her. The void was not a stranger but an old friend, one she’d last been acquainted with during her stay in Lestallum. It hadn’t forgotten about her; it merely waited to swallow her whole once she finally broke.

The routine never changed; she woke, lived, slept, rinse and repeat, over and over, the world going forward and pressing on but Cam was still, never moving with the tide.  

Often spending her time alone, whenever she did speak it bothered her throat going stale from lack of use, the sound of her voice becoming unfamiliar. People would look up when she said anything as it was rare occasion.

Eventually she was allowed to freely hunt again, not having to rely on Greyson to sneak her weapons out or turn in hunts for bounty. She often left with a stack of flyers early in the morning, coming back long after supper was served, waiting out the evening tucked in the darkest corner of the bar, seldom looking up from her drink.

But soon the hunts were less a getaway and became a burden; her skills diminished more and more each day, her wrists swelled and tender from the motions that had once been second-nature to her, but she kept at it because she needed the distractions, needed to feel again, needed to kill.

On one particular hunt she’d made a beginner’s mistake, left herself wide open and came dangerously close to losing a limb. It was pathetic, she thought. She’d once bested the Immortal himself, and now she couldn’t take on a small group of bashuras on her own. What was happening to her?

Reluctantly she’d stowed her swords under her bunk and looped the leather holster around her belt before reloading the pistols. Iris’s pistols.

Cam’s stomach dropped lower into the pit within. She’d let the girl down. Iris deserved to learn how to fight, to protect herself and others, make a difference as she’d said. Cam had texted her and apologized for what happened, but didn't receive a reply. Perhaps Gladio told her not to talk to her. Perhaps She didn’t want to talk to her.

Gladio….

She’d broken his trust. Sure he’d reacted harsher than Cam would have liked, but at the end of the day she’d still lied to him. It wouldn’t have taken too much out of her to pull him aside, explain the situation and give him time to consider the pros. But she didn’t, and now they didn’t speak. Her soulmate, the sun in the dark, the one who helped pull her from the very pit she’d re-immersed in…

How was it so simple for him? He went about his day as if nothing changed, as if she didn’t exist. The moment he’d last spoken to her was the last she felt of their connection, her marking just an imprint in her skin now and nothing more. She missed it so much it actually hurt, the tingling and burning sensation she got in his proximity or just by thinking of him, the constant reminder that she had someone. That she was someone’s other half. That she mattered. That she wasn’t alone.

She was so alone.

Tears visited every night, though she’d long since graduated from body-shaking sobs and whimpers and simply let them flow, her pillow a damp and tacky surface to rest her face on. The pain was a double-whammy, not only losing the loyalty of her soulmate and close friend, but seeing her fiance in such gruesome conditions, and be downed so violently, even though he was already dead…

Word quickly spread that the monster was Nolan. Some of the hunters recognized his face, what was left of it at least, plus his small dragon tattoo was a dead giveaway. A few of them expressed their sympathies to her, saying how ‘messed up’ it was he’d be turned into such a monstrosity, that it was a horrible coincidence. Cam wasn’t stupid; their house was far south from HQ and he was entering from the northwest. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together.

It was a message. A message, for her. She had an inkling as to who delivered it.

One night after tracking Steph’s schedule, almost predicting when the woman would be in the showers, Cam played her at her own game and slid into the locker rooms. She rifled through two lockers before finding Stephs, the signature wet-look leather pants she wore folded neatly on top of her personal belongings. She found her phone, silently praying she didn’t have a lock on it and was relieved to find the phone unlocked automatically without a security measure.

A cheerful selfie of Steph with a little girl, perhaps five or six years old was set as her wallpaper, the two of them laying on a striped blanket and their red hair splayed wildly around them. The girl was beaming, her two front teeth with the tooth fairy, the spitting image of Steph…

A slight pang of guilt knotted Cam’s insides, but she quickly opened the messaging app to block out the background image. Immediately she caught sight of a suspicious chain of messages from a contact with no name. She scrolled through them, but the texts were so ambiguous and riddled with acronyms and terms Cam couldn’t place, that they didn’t make much sense. The messages to Gladio consisted of paragraphs of texts sent and one word responses in return. He’d been a lot wordier with Cam in his texts; for some reason that made her smile.

On the home screen, a folder labelled ‘targets’ stuck out like a sore thumb. Cam tapped on it and a selection of ten photos popped up, four of them with red X’s through them. Immediately her spine shivered as she swiped through them, one by one. Three of the crossed-out faces she’d recognized as veteran hunters, all whom currently had their faces plastered on a newly erected board labelled ‘MIA’; the fourth...was the initiate, that Cam caught with Steph…

The rest...oh God…

The Marshal…

Dave…

Greyson…

Cam’s hand shook, the phone trembling in her grasp as she kept going through the photos.

Ignis...Not a new father, she thought, not him…

Prompto...Not her friend…

The last one…Oh, oh god no no NO-

A door opened behind her and she nearly sprang out of her skin, snapping her head back to see who came into the locker room.

It wasn’t Steph, thankfully, but it was enough warning to tell her she had to get out of there. She locked the phone, tried to place it as she’d found it and left as quickly as she’d arrived.

Rounding the corner of the locker rooms she almost slammed into the redhead, who gave her a frosty look as Cam brushed past, noting how close she’d come to being sighted. The second Cam was outside her phone buzzed in her back pocket. Hesitantly given the situation moments before, she pulled the phone out and read the incoming message. It was from Greyson: Emergency meeting in five mins, hope you’re around HQ.

Cam frowned, typing a quick on my way before pocketing her phone again. Some days she regretted her little stunt with Cor; she was still known as the one who disarmed the Immortal and it was cause for her to be summoned to meetings, classified alongside veteran hunters. None of them knew of her diminished skillset except Prompto, but he’d passed it as an off day or something. She stopped by her bunk to grab a sweater, dropped off her weapons and made for the main office building.

Greyson and Prompto were there before her, otherwise she was early. She grabbed a seat between them, leaning over to ask her former fiance’s best friend what the meeting was called for. “No idea, to be honest,” He shrugged, tugging his leather chestpiece down over his stomach self-consciously. “For once I know nothing, so color me curious. Dave seemed pretty rushed on the phone, though.”

“I overheard one of the gunners,” Prompto mentioned as he pulled his chair closer to the pair. “They found what was causing the infrared readings, and it’s something near HQ.”

“Shit,” Cam breathed, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms and legs. People began to file in, some familiar high-ranking hunters, Dino and Steph, tieing her damp hair into a bun at her nape. Dave shuffled in behind them, followed by Ignis, Cor, and Gladio. He glimpsed at Cam but averted his eyes immediately. It stung.

Ignis pulled up a seat next to Prompto, who looked unseasonably weathered. Prompto noticed and questioned his old friend. “Dude, everything alright? You look beat.”

He shook his head in response, the scar on his bottom lip hidden, mouth pressed into a hard line, his arms folded and chin held low. Cam sensed an air of tension. Something wasn’t right…

Cor greeted them and interrupted her thought process. “Evening,” he nodded, the ever-present serious tone in his voice quieting the group. “Thanks for attending on such short notice, I assure you the situation is dire otherwise we would have given a heads up.” He pulled a map from the bulletin board behind him, unfolding it. Cam immediately recognized the area as the woods surrounding Hunter HQ, though something was circled a short distance to the north of base.

“This,” he gestured to the circled spot, “Is the cause for the high infrared readings our scout patrols have been encountering. This, is a daemon nest.”

Heads turned to look at one another in confusion at the never before heard term. The Marshal continued over the hushed whispers. “Essentially, a cave-like construct that appeared recently, and daemons have been spouting from it at a rate of four per minute.”

“That’s nothing,” Greyson piped up, “we get a good patrol on the spot and they won’t be able to keep up.”

“Not an ideal solution,” Cor replied, pinning the map back to the board, “and that amount is rising by the day. The scouts have determined by zero-hour tomorrow, that amount will double.” he paced around the room, reading the perplexed expressions watching him. “They also appear to be random in threat level, which is cause for concern as we have no means of predicting what will come out of it next…”

Dave piped up as the Marshal trailed off. “We think this is cause for the spike in hunters going MIA, or the increased amount of tags we’re finding in the surrounding area. A heavy attack on the base could certainly cause multiple deaths and damages beyond repair. We’re arranging a full-scale assault, dividing our best into three shifts so that we can break to rest in between, but it will not be easy.” he rubbed his forehead. “Gil is tight right now, but we’ve managed to increase our weapons and armor restock in time for this.”

“Exactly when is ‘time for this’ anyhow?” one of the veteran hunters asked.

“Tomorrow.” All eyes landed on the Marshal as he spoke. “We push the attack out any further and we risk overwhelming ourselves. It’s unclear how many the nest will be generating days from now.”

Cor pulled a whiteboard down from the ceiling near the back wall, drawing out a route and plan of action. “We station the front line at the east, near the backside of the construct, and will change shifts every three hours. It’s short, but this way we will keep alert while keeping consistent pressure on the spawns.” He drew out a general representation of the ‘nest’, an almost pyramid-like shape with a hole in the side. “We’ll get Dino setup with a first aid station along with someone on triage duty, and stock him with potions and elixirs at the ready.” He turned back to the group. “With any luck, we should be able to push back the daemon hordes and destroy the structure.”

“Questions?” Dave asked, though he was met with silence. Cam considered bringing up the evidence she found in Steph’s phone, but decided against it at the last minute, the consequence of her previous attempt to prove her guilt still fresh in her mind. “Very well. Meet back here at zero-six hundred hours. We’ll go over the plan and get you geared up and into shifts. Meeting adjourned.”

One by one the group disintegrated. Cam hung back from the attendees, waiting for the crowd to disperse, surprised to see Gladio was still seated with his head leaning against the wall. His eyes were shut, his face looking...exhausted? The man looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks…

“Meet you at the bar?” Prompto tapped her on the shoulder and she nodded, giving him a forced grin as he left with Greyson, and then almost by happy accident, they were alone together.

Several uncomfortable seconds passed in silence before Cam finally spoke, her throat almost forgetting how to work and cracking her words. “I’m sorry for lying to you.”

“Little late for that, don’t you think?” he replied, looking up at her with sleep-deprived eyes. Perhaps he was feeling some effect to their spat. “What’s done is done, your apologies can’t fix it. Iris is chomping at the bit to get back out there, and I have to be the protective older brother saying no. Thanks for that.” Cam sighed. “Gladio, I didn’t mean to lie to you. She asked me and I said yes, I know I should have told you but, I-I know you would have denied it and -”

“Then why do it?”

“Because I wanted to help her, that’s why.” She paced closer to him. “Because she needs to be able to defend herself. You’re not always going to be around to protect her. Today’s meeting should have opened your eyes to that-”

“The hell are you implying?” Gladio stood abruptly, almost towering over her, his amber eyes on fire.

Cam stepped back. “You’re not invincible, Gladio. What happens if that t-thing kills us all?! Then what, what happens to your sister?!” She raked her hands through her hair, getting frustrated. “If she’s unable to defend herself when they-"

Gladio’s fist smacked the wall, the vibration hitting Cam in her boots. “That’s not going to happen! She’s MY sister, MY family! You don’t know what’s BEST FOR EVERYONE, CAM,” he was almost yelling now, “MAYBE THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T HAVE A FAMILY.”

Cam’s jaw dropped a fraction, the sharp intake of breath causing her lips to quiver. “Fuck off, Gladio.”

Seething, he grabbed his leather jacket from the back of his chair, gave her a look drenched in hatred, and stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

Defeated, Cam fell against the desk behind her and crumpled in a heap, tears streaming down red-hot cheeks as she pulled her knees into her chest. So that’s how it would be, then, she thought. Her heart couldn’t take much more of it, still bearing the wounds from their first ordeal, her soulmate marking still dormant and inactive despite being near him once more. Was this something that signalled release from his tie? Were they even considered soulmates, anymore?

And he had no idea. It infuriated her…

Her sobs gained volume at the pained realization, how easily the Astrals could release their bind, how empty it left her. How lonely she was…

She didn’t notice someone had entered until their boots were right in front of her. Cam looked up, wiping the mess of tears from her face.

It was Prompto. “Oh my gosh, Cam, what’s wrong?” he bent down to help her up and pushed the strands of hair from her face, his eyes worried and concerned. “Talk to me.”

Cam’s breath wasn’t cooperating and she fought to keep a steady inhale, but the surprise of someone walking in on her so vulnerable caused fresh sobs to shake her ribs. Prompto didn’t know what to do, so he pulled her into a hug, his hands stroking her back from underneath her sweater and his chin rubbing her head. “Hey, it’s alright, I’m here for you…”

He really was, she thought.

Gladio was gone, he’d made his feelings painfully clear on that note. Any attachment to him was purely residual by now, she had to guess, her pull to him nonexistent, at least so she thought but was it what she wanted? Was it what she needed?

Right now, she needed comfort. She needed closeness. She needed to feel.

Prompto felt nice.

Cam pulled back, sniffling as she looked up into inviting lavender pools, his eyelids flickering as his breath hitched in his throat, his Adam’s apple bobbing nervously. A moment passed and the air shifted around them.  

“Cam…” her name fell from his lips in a whisper and it was enough. She pushed forward on her toes, pressing against him and urged her lips against his.

The sun on her hip came to life with a furious stabbing pain, absolute agony underneath her skin, but Cam ignored it.

[nancylou444]

a ‘guest’ review, aka asshole anon, on ffnet

It may be your opinion that some people aren't as attractive as others, but that's no reason to be so rude and spiteful. As much as I don't agree with the idea of hating on these characters in canon, I was really interested to see how you would have Dean react, because I believe you're right, in that he would hate what's become of them and their world. But instead of using Dean's voice and character, you put yourself in his place and just screamed hateful things at all the other characters except for Sam. I couldn't tell the difference between your annotations in the beginning of the chapters and the words you had the characters spout off; they were the same tone and wording, even. And in case you forgot, the first few seasons showed Dean being plenty mad at Sam for lots of reasons. But you've selectively ignored that here. Fine, it's your story, you can ignore that. But tearing down real people, the actors, that's a big no-no. That alone was enough to make me feel sick. If you're not going to respect the show and actors, why even waste time writing fanfiction for it? Because I know for a fact that your writing and thoughts are synonymous with the fans that the actors don't like to talk about at cons, and they wouldn't be proud of you for slandering their co-stars. It's okay to not like the characters, but it's not okay to be so vicious. I hope you've grown since this story, or have moved on to shows that you actually like, because this much hatred isn't healthy. Best of luck in the future. -DaveysMissMurder (The apps not working. Oh well.) 

My A/N notes for chapter 4 is what has offended this special snowflake: 

A/N1: It seems that Dean is not the only one that has had enough. LOL Next week ends season eight, and I can only say "Thank you, Chuck." From Sam not looking for Dean, to Sam shacking up with the ugliest girl ever to be seen in a Supernatural episode. (FYI: the second ugliest, would be the former potential slayer and current potential hunter Felicia Day) Then there is the complete lack of concern for canon.

And in case you forgot, the first few seasons showed Dean being plenty mad at Sam for lots of reasons. But you've selectively ignored that here. Fine, it's your story, you can ignore that. Oh really? Is that why Dean didn’t look for Sam when he went missing in Benders? Oh wait.... Is that why Dean didn’t run back into the house after Sam got trapped in Home? Oh wait... Is that why Dean wanted to stay in the AU world of What is and What Should Never Be with his Mom and girl friend? Oh wait... Is that why Dean drove away and left Sam to die from the Croatoan virus? Oh wait... Is that why Dean was happy when Sam was stabbed in front of his eyes in All Hell Breaks Loose part 1? Oh wait...

If you're not going to respect the show and actors, why even waste time writing fanfiction for it? Because I know for a fact that your writing and thoughts are synonymous with the fans that the actors don't like to talk about at cons, and they wouldn't be proud of you for slandering their co-stars. LOL, tell that to the idiots who write destiehell fanfic. Twist and Shout comes immediately to mind.  Another asshole who knows “facts” about me. And why do these idiots bring up the actors and how they would react to our ‘hate’? 

Oh and a note to the special snowflakes of the world, saying “I know it’s your blog/fanart/fanfic/opinion BUT.....” is YOUR entitlement to change what WE produce. 

And in case anybody is wondering how horrible this fanfic is, 27 people have labelled it their favorite and it has 20 followers. **shrugs**

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Dean Has Had Enough Suppose Dean had been killed by the Hellhound. Now suppose, Sam found a way to get Dean back. BUT, he got back a different Dean. A Dean before all the deals, before the Hell trips, a Dean of 'simpler' times. Now, how would THAT Dean react to all the shenanigans that have happened throughout the seasons? Rated for violence and Winchester potty mouth. **COMPLETE**

(x)

[gguktastic]

He Tasted Like Love // D. H. X READER

NOTE : I didn't exactly understand the 'doesn't want kids' part, so I'm just gonna see it as 'is not ready for a relationship'. I'm so sorry for disappointing :( Warnings - swear words, vague mention of sex, very very boring and shit. ALSO YA'LL I HATE MYSELF I HAD THIS WRITTEN AND THEN I FORGOT ABOUT THIS I AM SORRY TO WHOEVER LOOK FORWARD TO IT LETS GO ON TO THE FANFIC SHALL WE // "DAN! PHIL! IN THE KITCHEN, THIS FUCKING INSTANT!" It was a rainy and miserable Saturday, and all I wanted were some mini Easter eggs to snack on, seeing as my room mates had bought them for a YouTube video on their very famous channel, but hadn't used them in the end. However, when I slouched to the kitchen to have some, well, you can guess what I discovered. Dan and Phil both grumpily walked into the kitchen. "[Y/N], it's fucking ten AM, you'd better have a good reason to wake us up at such an early hour," said Dan. Cue eye roll. "Who ate the mini Easter eggs?" I asked, cutting straight to the point. Both the boys straightened up, their cheeks painted in a light blush. "I'm sorry for eating a quarter of it, [Y/N]," said Dan, evidently guilty. "Ugh, whatever." "I'm sorry for eating the mini Easter eggs, [Y/N]!" Said Phil. I smiled at him. "It's okay, Phil. Just don't do that next time." Dan flared up. "What?!" He said, his voice high pitched. "So I'm dismissed rudely for eating, like, just a quarter of the pack, and Phil here is given a smile for eating the rest of it? This isn't fair!" He yelled, like a toddler. I laughed. "Dan! You're not a five year old anymore. Deal with it." Saying so, I simply walked out of the kitchen after pouring myself a bowlful of Dan's cereal. Right after me, Dan stomped out, and Phil stayed behind to give me a high-five (which completely flopped). Hello there. My name is [Y/N], and I'm a [INSERT DREAM CAREER HERE]. Three years ago, I found an advertisement in the newspaper by some Dan and Phil, who were apparently looking for a room mate. Since my current room mate threw wild parties at the apartment every other day and made me help her clean up, which basically meant she would sleep off her hangover, and I would end up cleaning the whole thing. On top of that, I'd been paying her monthly rent for around two years. Since I couldn't really afford to pay two people's rent or rent out an apartment of my own, I decided to ring the guys, whom I met the next day as I looked at their apartment after a coffee with them. I found out they were actually big-time YouTubers, so I pointed out that giving off their address and phone number like that could get them some serious stalkers. They said they had thought about it, and had decided to use a different phone number for calling, and to actually meet the person before taking them to their apartment to show them around. Still, dangerous. I, to this day, still didn't know why they were looking for a room mate, but I longer really cared. All that mattered was that none of them had tried to get in my pants. I was a sister to them, and to me, they were like brothers. However, I'm not going to deny that I have had a crush on Dan ever since I moved in, three years ago. I mean, could you blame me? Tall, dark hair, chocolate brown eyes, and those dimples? Irresistible. I shook my head, and proceeded to drown my feelings out with cereal. // Two days later, I waved goodbye to them as they got into a cab, on their way to the airport to leave for Singapore, and then, Australia, for a YouTube event. I sighed as the cab sped off. 'It's getting bored for a week now, great.' A day later, I was sitting in the lounge, re watching old episodes of Attack On Titan, wincing at all the gore and blood, when all of a sudden my phone began to explode with notifications. When I say 'explode with notifications', my phone literally fell of the table because it was vibrating that much. Twitter. Tumblr. Instagram. What on Earth even happened? I opened tumblr first, that's what mattered. All I saw on my dashboard was a picture of Dan, standing in front of the Merlion statue, mouth open, and in such a position that it looked like the water spouting out of the Merlion's mouth seemed like it was going directly into Dan's mouth. The caption? 'Yes quench my thirst Merlion dad.' I face palmed. Typical Dan. I scrolled a bit, and came across a picture of Phil, attempting the same thing Dan did and completely missing. I laughed, shaking my head. Those two, I swear. Again, two hours later, my phone exploded with notifications, thankfully not falling off the table this time (mostly because I was sensible enough to keep it away from the edge of the table.) I opened my Twitter this time. All I saw were the words 'Dan' and 'ripped jeans'. I finally found a picture. God damn. I'm not going to lie at all, but Dan look hot in ripped jeans, and my eyes bugged out looking at the picture of him. Oh lord, I need to stop. I got some more of Dan's cereal, to drown my feelings out: again. // A few days later, I woke up to the same thing happening. What did Dan do this time? I chose to go for Dan's Instagram this time. I felt my heart stop for a second. It was Dan, sat on a stool, wearing ripped jeans, and a long, feminine-cut flannel shirt. There was a smirk on his face, as he sat, legs apart. My breathing felt laboured. Oh, fuck. I immediately took a screenshot of the picture, and opened up the Messages app, just to shoot a quick text to Dan. [Y/N] - What is up with that fuckboi selfie? I sent the screenshot. A minute later, I got a reply. Danyul - Lmao I thought I was looking good wait I am looking good rite ;)) I laughed and replied. [Y/N] - you looked good but kinda like a fuck boy, js Danyul - ugh I want to kms now [Y/N] - nO you look like a good fuckboi Danyul - omfg what is wrong with u what is a good fuckboi [Y/N] - ugh whatever, I'll Skype you guys after your show, text me when ur done Danyul - lmao okay fine then ttyl enjoy the silence at home [Y/N] - I will dw, you enjoy australia Dan and Phil's meet and greet had probably started, that could be why he didn't reply, but just read the text. // "What the hell were you thinking, Dan?" I was skyping with the boys, and as soon as they picked up my Skype call, I called out Dan for the mirror selfie he'd posted a few hours earlier. "So I wasn't looking good?" He asked, a smirk on his face. Phil laughed as I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Yes, Danny boi, you looked good, kind of like a fuckboi - a good looking one at that - and you probably made the hearts of around a million girls from around the world stop and cause their 'deaths', as far as I saw on tumblr. Also, Phil, if you ever take a fuckboi selfie like that, apparently people are going to 'float out of their body and transcend into nine different dimensions," I said, making Dan laugh like a hyena and Phil stick out his tongue in the adorable way he does when he laughs. "You can tell them all, that is not happening any time soon," Phil said, and I laughed in reply. "Well I'm going to change out of these clothes now because my sweatpants are calling my name, I'll be right back," said Dan, disappearing into the bathroom with a pair of sweatpants and a tee. "[Y/N], spill." Demanded Phil, as soon as he thought Dan was out of earshot. I was taken aback, confused. "Spill? About what?" "Um? About the fact that you really, really 'like' like Dan?" I blushed visibly. "I - but - just that, I'm not ready for a relationship yet," I say, my voice getting quieter by the second. Phil's face softened and looked almost sad. "Todd?" "Todd." Todd was my ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with only a few months ago after I found out that his 'helpful' colleague had been way too 'helpful' to him. It just made me not trust anyone else at all for a while and mainly just stop thinking about being in a relationship. I jumped back to the present as I heard Dan shut the bathroom door behind him and enter the frame. Phil and I put our happy faces back on as we talked till the sun came up, the dim light seeping through my partially open curtains. // "[Y/N], I'm hurt! Why wouldn't you come to pick us up from the airport?" Dan yelled, as soon as him and Phil entered through the front door of our apartment. I ran down the stairs to the actual door to the apartment. "Well, Dan and Phil, you'll find out when you go get changed and come into the kitchen!" I said, panting after the exercise. They looked at me, then each other, then shrugged. "[Y/N], it'd better be good, I'm still a bit offended." Said Dan, making Phil and I laugh as he nudged my shoulder while going up the stairs. In reply, Phil obviously raised his eyebrows at me and I bit my lip, slightly shrugging. Phil smiled and patted my shoulder as he climbed up the stairs and walked past me to get to his room. As soon as they were both in their rooms, I got my 'surprise' - successfully green velvet cupcakes after their fail at making them green once before- out of the oven, a sweet smell spreading around the kitchen. I then 'silently' ran to my room, grabbing a bunch of pillows. Phil was the first one to get out of his room, dressed in his classic, old gengar shirt and a pair of Star Wars pyjamas. I gently threw a pillow at him, Phil struggling to catch it. We had a mental conversation. 'Pillow fight?' 'Pillow fight.' 'Attack Dan when he gets out of the room?' 'Attack Dan when he gets out of the room.' We nodded, and put our backs to the walls on either side of the door, clutching our pillows tightly. We had to keep ourselves from bursting into giggles, but after a few minutes of waiting, we finally heard the doorknob turning. I looked up at Phil, and we grinned. 3... 2... 1... The door opened fully and I yelled out a war cry, slamming my pillow onto Dan's face, and then so did Phil. I threw the third and last pillow towards Dan, and Phil and I ran. It must've taken a moment for Dan to realise what was happening, because I was almost to the lounge when I heard Dan's footsteps on the floor. I stopped for a breath in front of the lounge, but Dan caught up. He was only a few steps behind me when I made the stupid decision of running into the lounge, which Dan then rushed into, closing the door behind him so I had no escape. He grinned evilly, and I resorted to darting to different sides of the room to avoid his pillow, but then I felt his arms around my waist, and I squealed. I felt myself rise up a few centimetres from the floor. "Dan! Let me go!" I said, giggling. I heard Dan laugh as he set me down on the floor again. I decided to run while I could, but me being me, I stubbed my toe on the edge of a couch. I fell to the floor, groaning in pain. Dan sat down beside me. "You're the only person I can trust to do something like that," he said, chuckling. I pouted, lightly hitting him on the shoulder. "Daaaaan," I whined. "It huuuuurts." I pouted some more. To make it feel better, Dan stomped his heel on the toe I had stubbed. I sharply gasped, and Dan burst out in his hyena laugh. All of a sudden, I felt him draw me closer to him, his arms around my waist, his head resting in the crook of my neck, bodies close together. After a second of not realising what was happening, I finally clasped my hands behind his neck, hugging him back. He smelt of vanilla and coffee; he felt like a summer day after months of winter. His breath against my cold neck, hot. "Hey, [Y/N], I know it's a really hard time for you after Tony, and you're really, really brave to be dealing with it like this, sometimes I forget that something so shit has happened to someone as beautiful as you; it shouldn't have, ever." His chapped lips forming the words against the bare skin of my neck sent shivers down my spine: the good kind. I let the first of the tears fall, wetting his shirt. When Dan hugged me tighter, pulling us together so close that I could feel his heartbeat, I let go. "[Y/N]. I know you won't like this, but I just have to say that I really, really like you. I overheard you talking to Phil about me the other day, and since then, I've been thinking, and I really, really, really like you. You can say no, I would understand." I pulled away from the hug, eyes wide, and hesitantly pulled him in for a kiss. He tasted like mint chocolate; his lips were softer sandpaper against my completely smooth lips. His hand was warm as it cupped my cheek, the other hand behind my back, pulling me closer to him. He tasted like love.

[star-hoya]

170304 – INFINITE Rally III Fanaccount

So those who follow me on Tumblr would know I flew to Seoul to attend the rally on the 4th of March. The atmosphere outside Jamsil Stadium was awesome as usual. Fans were mostly decked out in their cutest outfits, many braving the cold to go through with short skirts and no leggings whatsoever, there was even one fan that went wearing only the pyjamas Woohyun wore on his Lie Down V App #cute. Orderly lines formed with different fansites giving out freebies at different points in time. It was very important to check Twitter by the minute or just run wherever the crowd went to see a new line formed. Fansites were mostly sitting around in cliques, so you’ve got the Hogam/Laile/Turning Point/Honeytree/Yeolna (I think) at one area, Springrain/Monodrama/MadeinL and Royal (I think) at another end and many others scattered around. There was also a photo taking area with the boys’ standees and also containers with the boys’ outfits displayed (x). 

(Warning: This fanaccount is really really long with photos too)

The fan meet would start at 5pm, so we entered the venue at around 4pm. They were having this event whereby inspirits could send in their photos they took at the venue via MMS and it would get displayed on screen when they did their last song, however as much as I tried, I couldn’t get my MMS to send so sadly, I didn’t get to participate in this. MVs of past INFINITE songs started playing and fans started getting energetic and riled up.

The boys started punctually with ‘Bad’, rising from under the stage to ground level and cheers emerged. Dongwoo did the solo dance today and it was a whole new level of hot! He was grinding the floor at one point and I went OMG. At this point, I have to say I got a seat at the last row of Level 2, but pretty close to the stage nonetheless, especially to the extended stage and the big screen. There was nobody to my right, but to my left sat the cutest Korean inspirit. We couldn’t understand each other but many times we just looked at each other and laughed and cheered together while waving our lightsticks, and covered our eyes when our boys were being too cheesy. I guess that’s the true meaning of how music bonds people together!

INFINITE started their ment at this time, because of how cool Dongwoo looked during his solo dance, the boys tried to make him dance the same thing to Woohyun’s Nod Nod! So they just randomly sang the chorus on stage and Dongwoo attempted to follow it through before falling onto the floor laughing (I think?) A few of the boys introduced themselves as different types of candies following Sungjong’s ‘I’m your lemon candy Sungjong’ and Woohyun even said he’s ‘our heart Woohyun’.

‘Between me and you’ was next and Sunggyu introduced this song as one he really really liked. The boys didn’t have those elevated stages this time so they just stood on different steps. There was this cute part where Myungsoo blew at his fringe after acing his high note.

They had their second ment here, they brought out the chairs so I knew it was gonna be a long chat. And I’m not sure why but I wrote in my notes that they were talking about ‘Bad’ here? Oh well, anyway they said for ‘Bad’ there was this part at the start that goes betting on you~ and Sunggyu said that they actually did a few different lyrics changes to it sometimes (didn’t really get this part) and he asked Dongwoo to tell us what he changed it to. Dongwoo said he’d sing it as Sajangnim nice~ lol. They then made Minseok sing ‘The Eye’ to which he did a fantastic job! They were laughing at something (I can’t remember what haha omg what’s wrong with my fanaccount) but Dongwoo almost fell off his chair!

They talked about the world tour (haha, that was a year ago but I guess they really enjoyed it) and they said how they would split into different teams during their private time. Sunggyu/Woohyun/Hoya were the opera team, Dongwoo/Myungsoo/Sungyeol were the walking around (visiting landmarks) team and Sungjong was a team on his own (oh baby why don’t you wanna join the others?) But Sungjong said he actually liked doing things alone in a different country. I think the boys teased him about having more staff following him for one person than them when the smaller teams went out. I think he had three staff with him while the teams only had two? I don’t know my Korean language skills are pretty non-existent. But there was once Howon actually went to Disneyland with Sungjong haha #hojong.

And since they were on the topic of world tour, Woohyun made them speak in different languages! Basically doing some simple self-introductions. Sungyeol started with Thai, Sunggyu was designated to speak in Chinese, Myungsoo to speak in Japanese, Woohyun asked Sungjong to do it in Korean #lol, and he tried making Howon do it in Bahasa Indonesia but Howon didn’t know so he put his mic to his mouth and tried mumbling while looking pretty embarrassed twice #cutie. Dongwoo then spoke in English and he got too excited because he was standing and stuff so Woohyun asked him to ‘sit down’ in English! I think at some point Minseok commented the boys could speak pretty good English and Dongwoo said yes or something and they talked about stuff, presumably about breakfast and Dongwoo just said ‘Morning rice’! They also mentioned their sleep routine or was it their skincare routine. I don’t know what happened but Woohyun also spouted out English and said ‘Music is my life, you know what I’m saying’ #lamehaha For how vocal Howon normally is, he was pretty quiet the entire time, maybe tired from filming?

Minseok then commented (read off his cue cards hahaha) that Sungjong did really well in Knowing Brothers and Woohyun came out and said that Sungjong wasn’t trying to be funny or comical by pretending he didn’t know how to control the soccer ball, he honestly tried to do it but failed and it turned out looking so funny. Then, a soccer ball rolled onto the stage from the side lol and they made Jongie try it out once more to bounce the ball off his chest. As expected, he hit it with his head again and the ball flew towards the standing section lol.

They also talked about Sunggyu’s solo album, and about the double title tracks and how every member like ‘The Answer’ however Sunggyu pointed out that he along with Howon really enjoyed Kontrol more. The boys also asked if Minseok had any questions he wanted to ask himself, because he was conducting the session based on questions off the cue cards, and Minseok was like ‘I have absolutely nothing to ask because I know everything’. Minseok then went to the edge of the stage and held his microphone out to a Myungsoo fan at the standing section to ask if she had any questions but I think she was too star struck because she didn’t say anything. Continuing on with questions, they were asked to point out who would really have it hard without the rally (as in who really really needed this rally) and almost everyone pointed at themselves except Dongwoo. Sunggyu then asked ‘is it okay for you to not have this rally?’ lol.

They made Howon do the acrostic poem with ‘Mu-Han-Dae-Jib-Hoe’ as in ‘INFINITE Gathering’ and there were a few words whereby Howon paused extensively to think but he made a really good one judging from the reactions from the fans. Woohyun then asked if they should go on to their next stage now and fans said yes and he said he could see fans signalling him that he was talking too much and the session should continue and fans did the cross sign with both their hands to ask him to stop talking (I’m sure he was joking at this point haha)

A video came out while the boys went backstage to change and it was of them wearing suits and looking so so handsome. It was the suits the boys did their V App in previously. And I think they played a few games in the video to decide who would be king for the games they’d do on stage! The games came in the order of:

1. Noraebang (They sang Come Back Again but only got 83 points haha, Sungjong sang The Answer, Dongwoo got Shot, Woohyun did Nod Nod and got 99 points),

2. They had counters attached to different parts of their bodies and they had to shake it to get as many counts as possible! It was hilarious seeing them shake with all their might,

3. They had to eat something, I think it’s spicy? I’m not sure about this one,

4. They were given a word of phrase each and one member had to do the actions while other members guessed what word/phrase that was,

5. They were give a can of coke (I wonder if it’s because they’re no longer Pepsi’s endorsers so they chose coke on purpose haha) and had to finish the whole can without burping perhaps (but many boys gave up halfway). 

Anyway, Woohyun was selected as king through the games! We got DNA Korea version as our next stage and I was such in awe because when they did that dance move where they swung their hands that was so powerful!

They stayed on stage for their next ment and chatted about That Summer 3! One part they were talking about the Busan concert and Woohyun said he had a runny nose then he really needed to wipe his nose because he could feel it coming out and Dongwoo said he could’ve done it to the dance moves during Be Mine and demonstrated it on stage lol. Minseok also did a Come Back Again dance move and fans went ‘wowwww’ and immediately Woohyun went ‘It’s not right he didn’t even do it correctly why are you wow-ing for’ lol what an idiot XD.

The King throne/chair was moved out and they started the missions with inspirits! I think there’re lots of fancams for this so I won’t elaborate too much. Dongwoo was first to spin the wheel, and while Woohyun had the crown and was sitting comfortably on the throne, Dongwoo managed to spin to the crown sign on the wheel and the king changed to him! He was so happy whereas Woohyun looked confused and shocked, kinda like ‘I haven’t even started having fun and I already stopped being king???’ Jongie was next and he had to do 2X dance play. He went in front of standing and asked who knew how to dance to ‘The Chaser’ and the crowd just swarmed in front so he picked a fan wearing glasses and the security literally carried her over the barricades and onto the stage. She did pretty well considering it was 2x! She was a Jong fan and Jongie hugged her in the end. Sunggyu was next, and his mission was to gift a fan his hoodie and Dongwoo chose standing section for Sunggyu to gift his gift to! I think Myungsoo was next and he spun the wheel to get the same mission as Gyu. He chose to gift his tumblr jar to a lucky fan on Level 3! And I have to say I was super super lucky because where I sat, that was the route he took to head up and down the stairs onto Level 3 so I got to see him up close and personal. God Myungsoo, he smiled and waved while heading up.

Sungyeol (I think?) was next and he had to dance to girl group dance and it was TT he had to dance to! He did it on stage it was cute. Woohyun was next, he got the mission to re-enact a scene off ‘Goblin’ and he was also chosen to go to Level 3, and once again he took the route Myungsoo took so I saw him really close too. Woohyun and the fan were really cute, they were so shy the first time round so they had to do it one more time and the fan burst out crying at some point. And Woohyun was hugging her and patting her head. Then Howon was next and he kept spinning the stuff other members had already completed so he had to keep spinning the wheel. Finally, he got a new mission and it was to wear couple tee with a fan and he made everyone scream. At first, he wanted to go to Level 2 and Yeollie said ‘since your mummy is on Level 2 you should gift this to her’ and Sunggyu said ‘you can take a selca with her too.’ He eventually went to standing C. He was in front of my section too so I saw him quite close and he’s so handsome and looked so sweet when he said he wanted to take a selca with the fan too while wearing the shirt. I think one side of the shirt said ‘pretty’ and Howon said he’d take that and gave the fan the other shirt lol. When the fan took out her phone, he was quick to note that the display screen was Woohyun lol #mypoorbaby After the mission, he sent the fan off and when she turned he did the action of wanting to hug her but she didn’t see it so he just wrapped his hands around his waist and pretended he was hugging himself lol.

They then ended the ment and continued with songs, this time ‘Love of my Life’ in Korean too, the one Myungsoo did for his solo at IEA. Howon was still wearing the couple tee at this point so it was cute.

We got another video where the members summarised their last 7 years with their thoughts and memories and I got so emotional I was tearing up at this point because look at how far we’ve come!

The boys came back out again and sang ‘One day’ which will be one of my favourite stages to witness live!! Another ment here and they made all the members do Sungjong’s neck movement from ‘Bad’. I remember Gyu doing it like how he’d do his morning aerobics #grandpagyu. Woohyun kept saying he’d prefer doing Jong’s other line ‘이제 깨���는다’ more and he kept imitating it saying Sungjong would pose there and wink. Howon did a super sexy improvised version of the song. He also did the action to the first line of ‘One Day’ haha. Sungyeol said he’d do a 100% imitation of Jong’s movements and even Jongie was surprised and he went ‘oh am I really like this?’

They said ‘The Eye’ would be the last song and proceeded with that stage. They went backstage and inspirits started chanting Dorawa dorawa Dashi Dorawa~ and this has got to be one of my favourite parts of the fan meet because inspirits chant it tirelessly and we know the boys will be out with another amazing part of the program. After about 3-5 minutes, the screen showed the comeback teaser for May 2017!! I know I told my inspirits-only admins before that the video was safe to watch but boy I was wrong. Watching it on the big screen and seeing the boys’ faces up there was amazing!!!

The members gave us another song ‘As good as it gets’ this time coming down from different doors of Level 2 #Ifeltsoblessed. Honestly towards the end, I was on my feet most of the time with my cute Korean inspirit seating mate since we were at the last row and nobody sat behind us and I enjoyed the ending part so much I couldn’t really remember much of the end heh. But the members shook a lot of peoples’ hands before going back up on the stage for what would be their ending ment (except it wasn’t as we already know). We did Myungsoo’s birthday support banner then when it was his turn to speak and the place just lit up with white banners for him and it was beautiful. We sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to him and Woohyun was like ‘okay can we have the cake now please’ except the cake his fansite prepared didn’t get wheeled out not sure why #awkwardpause. Haha, we chanted for Myungsoo not to cry when he wasn’t crying. And then the members went chanting ‘please cry please cry’. Myungsoo said something like we were his happiness these seven years and he was so sincere in it it was very touching.

When Hoya did his ending speech, the stadium was particularly quiet because everyone was listening earnestly to what he had to say. Then suddenly from standing we could hear the staff shouting really loudly ‘Come out’, presumably to an inspirit who was taking shots of the boys. It would’ve been really awkward for the fan, so Howon stepped up and joked ‘you want me to get out?’ and the members also joked about it a little and then Howon and Woohyun and Sungyeol were apologising to the staff to let the fan off the hook. They’re such angels. During Sungyeol’s ment I think he also mentioned something about 7 years and I can’t remember what he said but a fan shouted 7000 years and Yeol was like ‘I’m not the Goblin okay?’ For Woohyun’s Ment, he was talking and then suddenly a fan said ‘arrasseo~’ and he was like that sounded like a primary school kid’s conversation, like how he would chat with his friend. Then, after that every sentence he said the members and fans replied him with ‘arrasseo’.

Right now as you know the boys were supposed to just end it with one last song. However, the boys being the boys with their love for us and for the stage and because the atmosphere was so so high. They asked if they had time to do a few more songs as service for us!! On Woohyun’s side the staff said no, but at Dongwoo’s side the staff said okay so the boys went ‘alright we’ll do it as what the staff (on Dongwoo’s side) said! :D’ We wanted songs like ‘The Chaser, Be Mine’ however I think they couldn’t find the tracks for it as we settled for ‘Entrust and Cover Girl’ first! The boys again went out onto the extended stage and also onto Level 2 so I was quite close to see their faces clearly too. They were enjoying it so so much!!! They did ‘Nothing’s Over’ next (completely random but because they didn’t want it to end) They were apologetic because they couldn’t find the AR for it only the MR, and we went ‘Of course the MR is fine!!!’ You could hear how well and stable and loud the boys sang. Kings, talented kings only INFINTE!!!

They were so hyped but they knew the staff wouldn’t find any more tracks for them so our sing-along karaoke session started! Medley after medley of songs where the boys just sang together with inspirits. The feeling to be part of that was the best really especially to see yourself surrounded by others who shared the same passion as you! My Korean inspirit partner and I were just waving our lightsticks and singing all that we could! Woohyun, Dongwoo and Hoya were especially good in starting new songs for inspirits to sing along and I was particularly surprised because Myungsoo too, started a few songs!!! He was so into the whole thing!! The boys even said they wanted to bring their after-party onto the stage they just needed some alcohol and they could continue partying with us even if they’re drunk and can’t stand properly. They even sang ‘Monster Time’ and at this point Sunggyu was on the floor laughing at how ridiculous and amazing the whole thing was. Towards the end, they also sang the theme song of Digimon and Pokemon!

Last (yes, the final one) ment here but I can’t remember what they said before concluding their stage with ‘Thank You’. Myungsoo cried at this stage and Dongwoo rushed to give him tissue. The boys went to both sides of the extended stage and did 90-degree bows before heading back onto the centre stage for one final bow. Still a lot of them were teary-eyed and took long looks at different sections of the stadium, trying to soak in on everything.

The fan meet felt more like a concert and INFINITE made me realise how lucky I am to stan the right group. I know I always say how each concert I attended was the best, but seriously, because I wasn’t expecting so many songs for this fan meet, I really can’t express the feeling to be there, to love them. 44,000won for almost 4 hours of a dream come true? Thank you INFINITE! 

[bloggingwithfrenchie]

Frenchie’s Bachelor Recap - Week 10

Last night was a suspense-filled episode of The Bachelor, as we watched Nick romance the three remaining women while already knowing who was going to be sent home (hint: it’s the future Bachelorette, who was announced literally halfway through the season because ABC felt like ruining this experience for us).

We open on “the morning after” with Nick and Raven, and in case you missed the INCREDIBLY HEAVY-HANDED AND OBVIOUS HINTS, they def banged and they def had to pretend it was good. According to Raven, “Nick is very good at what he does” (ew), implying that Nick’s primary skill set is sleeping with women in various fantasy suites (not that far from the truth, tbh). Reading from the cue cards provided by the producers, she also tells us that she is “very satisfied”, because in case you forgot gagging while this storyline was shoved down our throats last week, up until this point Raven has *gasp* ~never had an orgasm~. Guess that changed last night, am I right?!?! Although if we’re being honest it probably didn’t and she probably faked it. And then the producers forced her to go cartwheel around in the snow to further remind us all of Nick’s alleged sexual prowess.

I have a serious question: what was the temperature in Finland when they were filming this? Because they are all wearing puffy jackets and hats but then the women are all walking around with their jackets unzipped? Are they just being forced to show off their trendy winter-chic outfits? And then Vanessa gives an interview outside while wearing a bathing suit and with bare feet. In the snow. This was very distressing to me and I want to know how cold it actually was.

Additional note about the hats: do the women all just happen to have matching ridiculous hats with giant pom-poms on top, or is this some sort of uniform that the producers are subjecting them to? And more importantly, who let Nick wear that crocheted beanie? He looks like a mushroom.

ANYWAY, moving on to the date with Rachel. Rachel is so cool and definitely the most sane, which naturally means she was never going to be the winner. The big mystery is really why she thinks Nick is so “rare” and great, since he is pretty much just an older-than-average, fame-hungry tool. Spend 5 minutes on any dating app and you will find 10 of those, I guarantee you. On their date, Nick draws on his past successes in this scenario (lol, jk) to give Rachel advice about opening up to him. He eventually cajoles her into professing her love for him, just in time for him to sleep with her and then dump her 2 days later. This is why America hates you, Nick.

Another note on the fashion in this episode: Rachel wins for the penguin onesie that she wore in the fantasy suite. I need that in my life ASAP.

Next up is the date with Vanessa, and honestly I like her less and less with each episode. Nick seems to feel the same way, because he spends most of the date trying to convince them both that they wouldn’t be good together. This is like when your fuckboy hookup is mean to you so you’ll stop talking to him and he doesn’t have to actually end it. Their relationship doesn’t make sense to me – they don’t seem to agree on anything, and Vanessa is basically like, “Relationships are about compromise, except for this list of 25 things that I will absolutely never compromise on.” Regardless, she is convinced that Nick is the one for her. Vanessa:  “Nick is my soulmate because marrying him will launch my acting career.”

The only other notable thing about this date was that Nick inexplicably wore shiny blue booty shorts for the ice plunge/hot tub portion of their date. “Here Nick, wear these spandex that show literally everything before diving into a tub of icy water. Vanessa will love that.”

The episode ends with (shocker!) Rachel getting sent home at the rose ceremony. Nick doesn’t give her any explanation, which I found weird and annoying. I guess “I don’t see this working out because the producers want you to be the next Bachelorette” doesn’t really sound authentic.

We then transition into the Women Tell All special, which was two hours of my life I’ll never get back. Just kidding, I ate that shit up. Corinne was perfect, Taylor was The Worst, Kristina was a class act, Whitney talked more than she did all season, Liz cried a lot while spouting generic feminist wisdom, and Danielle L interrupted the discussion of how great Kristina is to cry about how Nick dumped her before she got far enough to be the next Bachelorette. The best part of these shows is always the women who were there for like half an hour (looking at you Elizabeth and Lacey) but come in guns blazing. No one remembers who you are, stop talking. Also the women who spent maybe a collective 20 minutes talking to Nick but are indignant that he didn’t fall in love with them. A few key takeaways:

- It was a shark costume

- Sarah “isn’t judging” Corinne, just all of her choices and her general behavior

- I have a black eye from punching myself in the face every time Taylor said “emotional intelligence”

- We are STILL not past the Corinne napping saga

- Raquel was forced to make cheese pasta for the entire studio audience

- Danielle L wishes Nick would have not dumped her

- Alexis and Nick friend zoned each other from day 1 and she totally just stuck around for the free booze

- Josephine is Corinne’s ride or die even though Corinne seems to not notice or care

- Liz is apparently a Really Good PersonTM and is now pursuing a career as a motivational speaker

- Hailey: “You should never be ashamed for your sexual behavior, unless you’re Corinne in which case we will all judge and hate you”

- Women can be multi-dimensional humans, even the dirty sluts who have one-night stands at weddings

The conclusion seemed to be that the women mostly love and support each other, which feels antithetical to everything The Bachelor franchise stands for, but I’ll roll with it. Just one week till the finale!

[moviemagistrate]

2016 Movie Year in Review

All the 2016 movies I saw, ranked from worst to best, with superlatives in the end.

Notes: 

1. I apologize for some of these reviews being half-assed. I went a bit overboard with this and at a certain point just wanted to be done.

2. Thank you for reading this. Even if you don’t read it all, just pretend that you did and tell me how great I am. I love validation.

3. If you disagree with any of my reviews, please tell me, so I can explain precisely why your taste is shit. I also welcome regular discussion.

91. Diablo – In what was a recurring theme in 2016, I saw this under-the-radar Western despite its’ shitty reviews. I was never one to let critics influence my own opinion on something, and I figured that Scott (son of Clint) Eastwood’s Western debut with a supporting performance from personal-fave Walton Goggins couldn’t be that bad. Well, if it’s completely forgotten about and accomplishes nothing else (it already has been and it doesn’t), “Diablo” shows that even the majority of people can sometimes be totally, totally right.

This film is about a young Civil War veteran whose sexy wife gets kidnapped and he goes out on a journey to rescue her. Along the way, we start to realize that the motivations in the kidnapping and the rescue aren’t so simple, etc. The premise is decent and it starts out well (with one hell of an entrance for Eastwood’s character) but the longer the movie goes on, the exponentially faster it falls apart.

This is one of the most poorly-made and ineptly-written actual movies I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of like an Ed Wood flick minus the schlocky charm. None of the characters in this movie act or talk like actual human beings. It’d be surreal if it felt intentional. I’ve written better screenplays on toilet paper, and I don’t mean with a pen. The dialogue is awful and often goes nowhere, the direction is confusing, guns are shot with zero recoil (a personal trigger for me, no pun intended), the acting (even from good actors like Goggins and Danny Glover) sucks, the plot twist is retarded and obvious from a minute into the movie, and I’m willing to bet that even the catering for this film wasn’t that great either.

If Scott Eastwood wants a future in Westerns (or movies in general), I would ask/bribe/intimidate everyone who saw this film to sign a non-disclosure agreement, which shouldn’t be hard since so few people saw it. “Diablo” has nice intentions, but intentions will only get you so far when everyone involved in the creative process is so inept at their job that they make Sony/Warner Bros. executives look almost competent. It’s would all be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn dull. It feels a bit mean giving my bottom spot to a tiny, independent movie with almost no release when there’s plenty of studio-produced garbage to choose from (more on that shortly), but trust me, even in a shitty year for film like 2016, “Diablo” deserves it.

Nice cinematography, though.

90. Suicide Squad – I’m probably going to spoil parts of the movie here. I also probably won’t proofread this review after I finish writing it. I don’t care, honestly, because just thinking about the aptly-named “Suicide Squad” makes me lose the will to live.

I went into this film expecting it to be garbage even before the negative reviews started pouring in. When I heard that Warner Bros. were planning massive reshoots and rewrites to “make the movie more light-hearted”, a million red flags went up for me. It’s one thing to add in a few additional shots or lines, but WB wanted to fundamentally alter the film’s DNA, while still retaining much of the original footage. The result isn’t so much a new film but rather two films horrifically Frankensteined together, not unlike last year’s “Fantastic Four” (how’s that for a comparison?) The first half is atrocious. It’s just a series of introductions to the main cast that all feel like badly-edited music videos. EVERY. GODDMAN. SCENE in the first half of the movie has some really out-of-place popular song that is not only groan-inducing but also doesn’t fit the tone of the scene in most cases. Slipknot doesn’t even get one of these introductions (not that it matters much since he’s killed off about 10 minutes after we first meet him). His intro amounts to another character saying the funniest line of the movie; “That’s Slipknot. He can climb ANYTHING.” Whoa, watch out for this bad motherfucker.

I don’t know how much of this you can blame on the reshoots, but the plot is fundamentally retarded, as well. Putting aside the basic idea that the contingency plan for a rogue god-like superhero is just a small team of criminals with guns and melee weapons, only two of whom have actual powers, the story progression beats are just plain dumb. The main villain is an all-powerful witch that was supposed to be on the squad but escapes because the government was very lenient in looking after her. Upon being rescued, Viola Davis’ government higher-up kills her subordinates because they “didn’t have clearance” or something like that, even though it was literally their job to help her run everything. At one point, the Joker shows up, takes Harley Quinn away from the squad, only to crash and die (but not really), and she just returns a minute later. In wanting to show his trust, the soldier in charge of the Squad smashes his explosion-app phone, and allows them to leave if they want to. In the ONLY genuinely funny moment in the movie, comic relief character Captain Boomerang wordlessly gets up and leaves. In a move I will never forgive Warner Bros. for, he just returns unceremoniously a minute later (there might be a boomerang joke there, but that’s giving the script too much credit). During the climax, the Squad has a fight with the witch, during which no one even gets hurt so it feels pretty pointless, before she says to stop and tries to coax them into joining her by making them envision and promising them their greatest desires (once again wasting the character’s potential, Captain Boomerang’s is never shown).

The characters might have been the saving grace, but they are all handled incredibly poorly. Despite being “bad guys” (which they verbally remind each other and the audience throughout), they are more like quirky Guardians of the Galaxy-esque heroes, spouting quips and doing the right thing even when it’s against their supposed nature. El Diablo makes sense, as he’s trying to repent for his sins, but why do the rest of them have morals? Why, during Diablo’s story about how he accidentally killed his family, does Harley Quinn un-ironically give him a “how could you do such a monstrous thing?” reaction. What little character development any of them have feels rushed and/or forced, where by the end they are willing to sacrifice themselves for each other and calling themselves a “family” despite having only met a few hours earlier and only exchanged a few quips here and there. Where they could have made genuinely interesting characters by making the main-characters actual villainous anti-heroes who act against the government even while working for them, Warner Bros. just made them typical Marvel heroes, spouting typical Marvel quips while killing typical Marvel cannon-fodder enemies and trying to close a typical Marvel sky portal that can destroy the world or whatever it was supposed to do, except doing it all worse. It doesn’t help that Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Katana, and even Joker are all useless and have literally no practical purpose for being in the plot.

How do you fuck up a movie so badly that even Will Smith can’t save it? Smith is one of the few good things about this movie, basically playing his typical leading-man Will Smith persona but he’s so charismatic and likable that you can’t help but feel bad for him for being in this dreck. The rest of the cast is a mixed bag. Margot Robbie has the potential to play a good Harley Quinn, but none of her jokes work (a combination of her delivery and the awful script) and as mentioned before, she’s written to be way too sympathetic. Jai Courtney (Boomerang) had the career-first potential to be good here, but is barely used and what little comic relief he provides is squandered. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who I was actually looking forward to in this movie) has only like 6 lines as Killer Croc underneath all that makeup, and all of them make him sound like a black stereotype; as a favor for accomplishing the mission at the end, he asks for BET in his cell, which is a step above asking for fried chicken and grape-drank, so at least there’s that. The guy playing El Diablo is alright. The actors playing Col. Flagg and Katana are forgettable. Oscar-nominee Viola Davis is actually pretty bad as the government head of the squad, looking bored throughout and giving stilted line-deliveries while failing to be intimidating. Cara Delevingne (in her witch form) looks and talks like a particularly poorly-written Game of Thrones character, and is probably the least intimidating villain I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie. Ben Affleck is in the movie for like, a minute. That’s all there is to him.

And how can I forget Jared Leto’s performance as Joker? No seriously, how? Please tell me. He decided that playing the most famous bad guy in comic history would be to act like a Tourette-afflicted edgy teenager who rebels against his upper-class parents by shopping at Hot Topic. At least he was entertainingly cringe-worthy, unlike most of the movie, which is just the regular kind. Who knows, maybe in all that cut footage of him lies a good performance or character arc, but he seems less like a demented criminal mastermind and more like the type of person who would giggle maniacally to himself after tearing the tag off of his mattress. Also, if there’s a word for the introduction version of an anti-climax, Joker’s first appearance in the film is exactly that.

In summary, the acting ranges from decent to bad, the characters are weak, the writing is abysmal, the plot is nonsensical, the tone is all over the place, the music choices are head-drillingly irritating, the action scenes are dull to the point where I zoned out quite a bit during them, and all-in-all a movie that should’ve been stylish and cool is just drab and embarrassing. I know that director David Ayer is better than this (and that he didn’t even have any say in the final edit) and I’m sure there’s a decent cut of this film somewhere, so instead of blaming him I’m going to blame Warner Bros., a studio that gives Sony Pictures a run for their money in terms of sheer incompetency. They’re in such a hurry to catch up to Marvel that they forgot to properly set up their universe and don’t even have a clear vision for what they want to accomplish, story-wise. Say what you will about the MCU and how formulaic a lot of their movies are, but at least Kevin Feige has a vision for his series and makes it work. WB saw the less-than-ideal performance of “Batman v Superman”, panicked, and butchered Ayer’s film to try and make it appeal to as many people as possible, ultimately appealing to no one.

Hell, give Zack Snyder the reigns to the DCEU. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s the closest thing to an auteur working in superhero films today and he’s infinitely more competent in telling a story than the hacks who edited the “Suicide Squad” I saw in theaters. Who is the real Suicide Squad? Is it the team of “bad guys” in the movie? Or is it the audience who is forced to endure this piece of shit? If there is justice, it will be the executives at Warner Bros. who should be forced by shareholders to commit ritualistic suicide live on The CW following “Arrow”

Or just punched in the stomach.

89. Ghostbusters – A “Ghostbusters” reboot is the most politically divisive film of 2016. It’s things like this that make me wonder if we’ve lost our way as a culture. Why people got so up in arms over the casting is beyond me. Personally, I think that anyone who condemns or praises a film solely because of the sex of its leads should be sterilized. But for months ahead of release, I saw almost nonstop articles, Tweets, and arguments about “misogyny” and “the patriarchy” and “raped childhoods” in regards to a silly comedy about people who hunt ghosts, and I started to wonder if it was actually a bad thing that the Chinese will soon take over the West (not that the Chinese would ever allow this film to be released, because Commies are afraid of ghosts or something like that).

It should come as no surprise to anyone with the slightest bit of rationality and foresight, however, that all this controversy would amount to nothing because the film is just a dull, unimaginative slog. I was expecting the movie to be shit because writer/director Paul Feig is a hack who never should have moved past television comedies, and Sony Pictures is a major movie studio run by a bunch of chimps with Down’s Syndrome, and apparently I’m better at pattern recognition than most. But honestly, I can’t even get worked up about “Ghostbusters” because it was just so boring. It never reached the point of being offensively bad like “Suicide Squad”, but this movie doesn’t really have anything going for it either. The lead actresses are fine, and could do well if they had some decent material to work with, but they aren’t funny enough to carry a very improv-heavy feature length film by themselves. A good improvised bit can be like a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on a tasty dessert, but “Ghostbusters” felt like eating several spoonfuls of cinnamon straight from the container. This felt like a modern-day SNL sketch arduously stretched out to two hours.

The improv could have worked if the leads had actual characters to work with, but each one is given just one personality trait (Leslie Jones is scared, Kate McKinnon is koooooky, Kristen Wiig is insecure, and Melissa McCarthy is…there), and they often break their trait for their banter where they constantly try to say funny things and tell jokes, making them feel like a bad college comedy-troupe instead of actual characters. Paul Feig didn’t even bother with any character development; just one forced scene where the animosity between Wiig and McCarthy’s characters, that’s forgotten within 15 minutes, is finally brought up again in the last 5. After a point, I started to feel bad for the cast. I know that McKinnon, Wiig, and McCarthy can do better than this (and have), and even Leslie Jones (who was the worst part of the trailer but is surprisingly the only likable and believable character in the film) deserves more than what she’s given. The only somewhat funny character was the mayoral aide who privately supports the team while publically insulting and condemning them.

As with Paul Feig’s other films, the plot is thin as can be (four women team up to investigate ghosts, start their own business, and before you know it, all hell breaks loose), and it feels very disjointed, with a lot of scenes feeling like they could be put in different orders and it wouldn’t make a difference. As a result, the film fails to properly ramp up in terms of stakes and motivations. There are set-ups without payoffs, and payoffs to things that were never really set up. And of course Feig can’t shoot action or comedy for shit, to the point where even a gifted physical comic like McCarthy looks like she’s lightly swinging at air in her fight scenes. He also clearly misses the R-rating he’s had so far in his feature films, where the lack of jokes is exacerbated without the crutch of swearing to lean on. Plus, as typical of a Sony Pictures movie, there’s enough forced product placement on display to make Michael Bay blush.

The lowest points of the film are the cutesy references to the original film and cameos from the original cast, with the absolute nadir being a scene with a Bill Murray who looks like he’s wondering if it’d be faster to run away from the film set (that he was sued into being on) or to slit his own throat. This just points to a studio product that plays it so safe and close to the original that it doesn’t have any identity of its own, and funnily enough, the gender-swapping of the lead roles is the only decent idea it has to differentiate itself.

As I said before, this wasn’t terrible or painful to watch (possible because I was already detached very early in the movie, but still). I got two chuckles, one from Jones and one from Chris Hemsworth, and a handful of snorts here and there. The CGI, sets, and prop-design are all colorful and surprisingly solid. But the overall movie is just mediocre and a chore to sit through. I normally don’t write lengthy reviews for comedies because there are only so many ways to say something isn’t funny, but the 2016 “Ghostbusters” just isn’t funny, and all the controversy that was brewed up (it wouldn’t surprise me if Sony manufactured the hateful reactions to the trailers themselves to drum up publicity) ultimately led to another one of the same bland, cash-grab remakes that Hollywood has been pumping out for the last several years. Now I may be a sexist, chauvinistic white cis-het misogynist shitlord, but I think the movie-going public deserves better than this, even those dumb bitc…[REDACTED]

88. The Neon Demon - A 16-year-old girl moves to LA to become a model, and finds quick success due to her good looks (and we know she looks good because none of the other characters, including her, ever stop mentioning it), but soon after finds herself succumbing to her own hubris and the jealousy of those around her. That’s literally the entire plot of the movie, minus some of the dirty specifics. Then again, you don’t see a Nicholas Winding Refn for the plot. As can be expected from any of his post-Drive films, characters speak very obvious dialogue with remarkably long pauses, they stare off into the distance a lot (even when just looking into a mirror), jarring ultraviolence occurs, and pretty red-and-blue lighting abounds.

I found NWR’s particular brand of violent, brightly colored autism amusing up to a point, but after a while, it became increasingly grating. Part of that is that the movie as a whole just feels kind of pointless. Thematically it’s quite obvious; the modeling world exploits young women, and said women are also jealous, catty bitches (at least, that’s the impression I got from Refn). But why the fuck is this movie two hours long? So much of the film is just NWR indulging in all of his trademark filming techniques at the expense of making interesting characters. Yes, there are plenty of striking visuals with their fair share of obvious symbolism, but that’s pretty much all there is to it. Much of the movie is filmed like a modeling session or a runway show (which is probably intentional), but there comes a point where you just want to shout “YES, I GET THE GODDAMN POINT, ALREADY.” After about an hour in, I just wanted it to end and couldn’t really care about what happened next. In what seemed like an attempt to rope me back in, the last 40 minutes or so is when the twisted and violent stuff starts happening, but I was less shocked and more annoyed and disgusted by what I was seeing.

The cast is alright, I suppose. The performances from Bella Heathcote and Abbey Lee as the two models that become jealous of the main character are fun and biting. Keanu Reeves is surprisingly entertaining as a sleazy motel manager. As much as I hated that one particular scene with Jena Malone (you’ll know it when it happens), I commend her for being so committed to her performance to actually pull that scene off. Everyone else kind of just occupies that NWR character spectrum that exists somewhere between ethereal and autistic (leaning much closer to the latter in this film).

I hate it when people say the stuff I dislike about a movie is done intentionally. Was my boredom intentional? If, however, the prospect of having Nicholas Winding Refn slowly jerking himself off in your face for two hours while maintaining unblinking eye contact with synth music playing in the background sounds like your cup of tea, then “The Neon Demon” will satisfy your unusually specific fetish, you weirdo.

87. Triple 9 – Have you ever seen an urban police drama? Congrats, you’ve already seen “Triple 9”. Basically, there is a squad of crooked Atlanta cops who plan to rob a government building with some criminals in order to appease a mob wife (hammed-up by Kate Winslet in what could possibly be her first bad performance), and they aim to simultaneously stage the murder of a fellow cop across town so there would be little resistance during their robbery. There are ride-alongs, roughing up of suspects, lots of swearing, drug use, betrayals, etc. Pretty much every “gritty” urban crime movie cliché since the ‘90s is in this film, and very little of it is interesting. The movie only really comes alive during its action sequences. The opening bank robbery and mid-film raid especially are expertly crafted and are genuinely exciting. However, they (and a wonderful little cameo from Michael K. Williams) are the film’s only highlights, and the only other thing “Triple 9” is noteworthy for is having such a talented cast and wasting them on such been-there-done-that material. It’s not an ordeal to get through; it holds your attention and it’s thankfully not as edgy as I feared, but between the dull plot, lame dialogue, and unlikable, two-dimensional characters, “Triple 9” is more of a Single 5 (out of 10).

86. The Invitation – A man named Will, who looks like a cross between Jesus and Tom Hardy, brings his new girlfriend to a dinner party set up by his long-estranged ex-wife and her new husband. Things start to get weird when they begin talking a lot about a spirituality group they’re a part of, and Will’s paranoia over their strange behavior is made worse when all of his friends seem to accept it with no problem. I went into watching this movie with little to no expectations, and those expectations were steadily raised by the performances and direction, and it all got pissed away at the end. For a while, it seemed like a really good drama with a genuinely interesting exploration of grief, but without spoiling anything, in the third act it became the EXACT movie I was really hoping it wouldn’t become. I’m sure most people won’t have the problem with this movie that I did, and the good actors and Karyn Kusama’s strong directing (she expertly builds tension and creates a great sense of space) keep it going for the most part, even despite how dumb and illogical a lot of the characters are. But I was just so disappointed by the schlock it became that it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Accept this “Invitation” if you want, but I’m staying home instead.

85. Swiss Army Man – Look, I give it points for originality, but this was never going to be my kind of movie. It’s the kind of premise and cast (Paul Dano uses Daniel Radcliffe’s magical farting corpse to get back to civilization while learning about life) that seemed destined to be “baby’s first high-concept indie film”. I saw it because I wanted to give it a chance anyway, and while it’s not without its merits (a good deal of creativity, two committed performances, and plenty of visual flair), the endless grossout humor, montages, and really ham-fisted explanation of themes and character development wore me down to the point where I just didn’t care by the end. I would have liked for the movie to have a more straight-faced approach to the situation, which I think would have underlined the absurd humor present. Instead, we have the kind of ironic whimsy one would get if they saw a bunch of Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry films and completely missed the point. I also would have liked a darker and more realistic ending, one that would actually feel like a culmination of the themes of loneliness and isolation the movie wouldn’t shut the fuck up about. As you might have guessed, the tone is all over the place, too.

If you like this movie, that’s fine. But “Swiss Army Man” is certainly not 2deep4me, and if there is any point I missed in watching it, I don’t care enough to re-watch it. Someone told me that a lot the things I found annoying about this film are intentional. Well, intentionally annoying is still. Fucking. Annoying.

84. Elvis & Nixon – The premise for this movie is really neat. On a December morning in 1970, Elvis Presley strolls up to the White House to request an emergency meeting with Richard Nixon and convince the President to swear him in as an undercover agent, leading to one of the most famous photos in U.S. history. The execution: not so great. The main problem is that the actual meeting is only the last 15-or-so minutes of the movie. The lead-up involves Elvis and his manager’s efforts to actually set up the meeting with Nixon’s staff, while Nixon is hesitant about allowing it. There is way too much stuff about the manager and his family, and Nixon’s staff. It’s not a lot of screentime, but it’s stuff/people you don’t care about in the slightest and is too much by definition (no offense to Colin Hanks, but he should really stick to TV). A lot of this stuff could have been replaced by more Elvis/Nixon, or just cut out entirely, since even at 87 minutes, the film’s length is stretched out.

Luckily, the movie is saved by the outstanding talents playing the titular characters. Michael Shannon as the King and Kevin Spacey as Tricky Dick are so good that they go beyond mere caricatures and actually feel like they embody the historical figures, even if the material is rather light. Much of the movie’s focus is on Shannon’s Elvis, and he easily holds the film together, even though you wish there was more of Nixon. The meeting between the two is of course the highlight of the movie, a wonderful stranger-than-fiction moment of history that would have made a pretty good short film. Here’s hoping for an exploitation-style sequel where they team up to fight evil drug fiends, because they deserve a movie as fun and unique as they are.

83. The Little Prince – Full confession: I wrote this review a couple of months after actually seeing “The Little Prince” on Netflix and I barely remember anything about it. I remember thinking it was a nice little animated film with a nice message about not forgetting your childhood spirit and imagination and sense of wonder as you grow up. I remember thinking that the CGI animation was nothing special (it was animated in France with a modest budget, so I won’t complain), but the stop-motion sequences were pretty impressive. I remember chuckling a few times and getting the feels once or twice.

It’s alright, from what I recall, so check it out if you like. I’m sorry if you’re a big fan of “The Little Prince” and were hoping for a more in-depth and detailed review, but I genuinely had a hard time remembering stuff about this film, which (considering the film’s message and key themes) is pretty ironic.

82. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – I was going to make a superlative at the end of this list for “most generic”, but I realized nothing came close to this Tom Cruise action thriller. This movie is so relentlessly generic that it almost feels intentional, like a satire of one of those mediocre 90’s thrillers that are shown endlessly on cable, probably as a double-feature with “U.S. Marshals”. Tom Cruise has never made a bad movie, but this is easily one of his worst ones. Typical conspiracy thriller plot from the type of shitty airport-bookstore paperback novels that boring middle-aged people enjoy (and that these movies are adapted from). Noteworthy only for the scenes with Cruise’s maybe-daughter and their dynamic, something that feels like it’s from a different movie altogether but funnily enough is the only stuff that actually works. Not terrible in any way, but this is something for a lazy Sunday afternoon or to have on in the background while you do something more interesting like ironing your clothes or vacuuming dog hair from underneath the sofa.

81. Gods of Egypt – Who would have thought that a silly fantasy movie about ancient Egyptian deities would be such a beacon for controversy the way it was prior to release? (The controversy was swiftly forgotten about, as it usually happens). Don’t get me wrong, whitewashing is certainly an issue in Hollywood, but in a film where 10-foot-tall, golden-blooded gods rule over a flat Earth consisting entirely of Egypt while Ra, the God of the Sun, rides around in a magic spaceship taking potshots at a giant space worm all day, complaining about historical inaccuracy is a bit silly. Regardless of what ancient Egyptians actually looked like, any attempt at historical realism would just be jarring and out-of-place here.

Gerard Butler and Chadwick Boseman hamming it up as the evil Set and smarmy Thoth are fun, as is Geoffrey Rush as Ra. Shame that the rest of the cast is as dull and forgettable as they are. The CGI quality is in the halfway-point between “good” and “Syfy movie-tier”. It’s not exactly convincing, but it’s pretty and colorful enough that you don’t need too much suspension of disbelief. Tonally and stylistically, the movie harkens back to those cheesy low-budget fantasy films from the 80’s (if not in budget and star-power). I particularly love how the human girl love interest is portrayed as an innocent girl-next-door-y type, but her massive, barely-contained rack is prominent in almost every frame she’s on screen.

The only major detrimental flaw (and it’s kind of a big one) is that “Gods of Egypt” feels about 20-30 minutes too long. It just doesn’t have the narrative strength or filmmaking energy to sustain its’ running time. If it was edited down (particularly the parts with the young, discount-Orlando Bloom main human character), it’d be a reasonably fun movie. Still, I appreciated “Gods of Egypt” for its goofily-sincere throwback spirit, and nothing about it was painful to watch. Not god-like, but not god-awful either.

80. High-Rise – It’s difficult for me to review a film like “High-Rise”, because while there’s a great deal I admire about the film, the overall experience just felt hollow and repetitive to me. It’s about a young doctor who moves into a fancy 1970’s London high-rise, a self-sustained building with many luxuries intended to provide equal quality of housing to all its inhabitants, where mounting tensions between tensions between the upper and lower floors eventually give way to literal class warfare (subtle). While the first half of the movie is engaging, as the doctor maneuvers through all the social groups and meets a lot of the residents, the second half where the actual fighting starts lost me pretty quickly. None of the characters behave like normal human beings, which makes it hard to be invested in their conflict. While there’s some maintenance issues and disrespect in the building, it’s not clear why they all descend into savagery so quickly. I guess it’s something we’re just supposed to accept (human nature, man), but I feel like a more prolonged slide into chaos would have helped the movie, especially since the second half is just repetitive “one side does bad shit to the other, while the doctor tries to stay out of it” nonsense.

While I don’t buy any of the characters, the cast is strong and they play these caricatures with great conviction. I actually love the aesthetics of the movie; the set design, lighting, camerawork, etc. all being very striking and creative. Director Ben Wheatley’s talent here is evident, even if I stopped caring about the material after a while. I get that this movie is intended to be satire, so a lot of my complaints about the movie could be something that someone else would enjoy because it was all intentional, man. Maybe you’ll get more out of it than I did, but to me it was just a pretty and well-acted slog.

79. Lion

White saviors

Inspirational piano-heavy music the occasionally remembers to throw in some foreign flavor

A cute kid

A solid performance from a minority actor (Dev Patel)

A former Oscar winner who cries a bunch (Nicole Kidman)

A well-intentioned but kind of condescending depiction of another culture

Over-reliance on fish-out-of-water humor

Really obvious plot beats and recurring elements

An attempt to depict “realism” in poverty but watering it down for a PG-13 rating,

A happy/emotional ending

“Based on a true story”

Ending text that not only says what happened to the real-life figures with photos and video, but also includes a statistic about missing children in India and how this film is helping to fix the problem while a pop song by Sia plays.

I know this was based on a true story, but it’s like the fucking Academy themselves made this movie.

78. Independence Day: Resurgence – Roland Emmerich is like a more boring Michael Bay. Many of his films are little more than special effects showcases, dragged down by stock characters and awful writing. Oftentimes, the stupidity on display in a Roland Emmerich movie goes past the point of fun and becomes downright insulting to the audience. Charitably put, the man’s kind of a hack., but even a broken hack is right twice a career (sort of). The first time was 1996’s “Independence Day”, one of the most famous movies of the 90’s and a fun piece of cheese in its own right. The second time was 2016’s long-awaited (by nobody) “Independence Day: Resurgence”*. I don’t wish to imply that “Revengeance” is high-art or anything, but if you’re in the right frame of mind, it’s a simple and comfortably enjoyable flick.

A big part of that is that it’s never insultingly stupid. It’s not smart or anything, but it goes about its business without giving anyone a headache. The characters aren’t deep, but they’re likable enough for the audience to enjoy following them and for possibly the first time in Emmerich’s career, they’re not irritating. “Revolutions” is sincere in its goal to entertain, and displays enough self-awareness to get the audience to relax, like when Jeff Goldblum cheekily comments “They like to get the landmarks” during the film’s main destruction sequence. There’s also some hilariously goofy dialogue like “The ship will touch down over the Atlantic.” --> “Which part?” --> “ALL of it.” There’s a little bit of Chinese pandering (including that juice-box filled with milk or some shit that I keep seeing in these movies), but not enough to annoy, and weirdly it suits the theme of different nationalities banding together.

The cast is fine, but really nothing special. Goldblum is enjoyable because he seems constantly aware of the kind of schlock he’s in, but “Regurgitation” is sorely missing Will Smith, who is more charismatic than all the new cast members combined. When Bill Pullman is giving the best performance, your film isn’t going to win any acting awards. One other thing that I personally really missed was David Arnold, whose score for the 1996 film is one of my favorite film scores of that decade, and the only time the soundtrack for this one comes alive is when it occasionally reprises his majestic themes.

In summary, if you’re looking for something original or high-brow, look elsewhere, but if you just want to kill a few hours and seeing a diverse** group of attractive, multinational humans band together to fight aliens warms your heart a little bit in these cynical times, then “Independence Day: Redemption” will scratch that particular itch.

* I also admit to enjoying “White House Down”

**by diverse I mean black, white, Chinese, and Jeff Goldblum.

77. X-Men: Apocalypse - There's a bit in "X-Men: Apocalypse" where the younger characters go see "Return of the Jedi" and one of them comments on how the third movie of the trilogy is always the worst.

How prophetic that line turned out to be.

Not that X-Men: Apocalypse is a bad movie, but it’s definitely closer to Brett Ratner’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” than it is to Bryan Singer’s previously strong entries in the franchise. This is definitely one of those “you take the good with the bad” situations. This is a really inconsistent (tonally and otherwise) movie, so instead of writing a repetitive “this is good, but this isn’t” review, I’ll just list off the positives and negatives and leave it up to you to decide if it’s worth watching or not. This will include some spoilers, but you’re not missing much and the canon in these movies is a complete mess anyway. I’ll say that I was entertained, sometimes genuinely and sometimes ironically, for most of the film, so take that how you will.

The Good:

Evan Peters’ Quicksilver, who steals the second X-Men movie in a row

The Quicksilver mansion scene

Nice visuals

Good soundtrack

The early scenes in Poland

The Wolverine cameo

The Bad:

Nightcrawler being wasted despite being one of the best parts of Singer’s “X2”

Jennifer Lawrence is clearly phoning it in

The film does nothing fun with the 1980s setting

Oscar Isaac is wasted on a generic “I’m going to destroy the world and only the strong shall remain” villain.

Storm joins Apocalypse’s gang for like no reason, then switches sides pretty abruptly during the climax

Olivia Munn’s Psylocke has like, one or two lines the whole movie

For the third movie in a row, Magneto becomes the bad guy because he’s Magneto

For the third movie in a row, Professor X gives Magneto the “You don’t have to do this, there is still good in you” speech.

I know it’s the key theme of the franchise, but to hear these characters complain about mutant rights and discrimination is getting tiring after so many movies

It’s two-and-a-half hours long

The Funny:

Nightcrawler’s makeup

Everyone in the movie keeps saying how important Mystique is when this is the most useless and unnecessary her character has ever been.

After killing like, millions of people during the climax, they just let Magneto go, with Professor X telling him “I’ll see you around, old friend”

The characters are 20 years older than they were in “X-Men: First Class”, but all still look like they’re in their 20s or early 30’s.

That scene where Professor X beats up Apocalypse in his mind

Coca-Cola product placement

Magneto destroying Auschwitz

76. The Finest Hours – “The Finest Hours” is a period disaster/rescue drama about a small 1950’s Cape Cod Coast Guard team’s attempts to rescue the crew of an oil tanker after their ship gets Titanic’d by a major storm, and it’s as old-fashioned a movie as it gets, even to a fault. It’s a refreshingly straightforward film. I liked the community/teamwork-focused buildup, as we get to know Chris Pine’s Coast Guardsman, his love interest, and the crew of the ship before the disaster hits. I liked the scenes on the water the most, the experience of them struggling to clear the huge waves during the heavy weather is actually pretty harrowing. I liked the warm tone and the understated heroism.

There’s really not much to this film. I feel like it’s a bit too safe and predictable and not as white-knuckle exciting as I’d hoped. I wasn’t a fan of how the movie kept cutting back to the generic worries of the people on the shore, and the only things in this film thicker than the nostalgia ah the faahkin New England ahhccents. Still, I enjoyed it. It’s not a first-rate vessel, but it stays afloat.

75. Warcraft – I’ll start this by saying that I’m not a Warcraft fan and have never played any of the games. With that out of the way…

"Warcraft" is the nerdiest movie I think I've ever seen. It was so geeky, I felt like watching and enjoying it gave me my virginity back. This movie was made for Warcraft fans and literally nobody else (maybe the Chinese, but they're an easy-to-please bunch).

I actually really admire that. In an age where almost all blockbusters are watered-down, homogenized garbage made by people who seek maximum profit by catering to the largest possible demographic, seeing Universal Pictures take such a risk and sinking $160 million (plus marketing) into a film so niche and nerdy warms my heart. A movie that tries to please everybody pleases nobody in particular, and I'm happy for the Warcraft nerds for having their own cinematic moment.

The movie itself is kind of a mess, however. Even putting aside the stuff you probably need to be a WC fan to understand, the pacing is wonky, the script is weak, most of the human cast is bland, the editing sucks, and it ends very anticlimactically. While Duncan Jones (who is the main reason I saw this movie) pulls off some impressive visuals and great moments, the movie for the most part lacks the epic feel you’d expect in a big-budget fantasy movie. I was able to follow the basic story, but I was definitely lost at times, and remembered like, 3 or 4 of the characters’ names by the time the movie ended.

“Warcraft” certainly has its positives, however. While most of the human cast is underwritten or boring, Travis Fimmel and Ben Foster are both quite good in their roles, easily standing out from their cardboard cut-out castmates. The orcs won the lottery on their actors, all of whom play the orcs with such conviction that they feel more believable than most of their human counterparts. Even the writing was better during the orc scenes, weirdly. Speaking of believable, the special effects on display are fantastic. Between the amazing-looking orcs, the magic effects and the scenery, the CG artists have definitely earned their paychecks on this one. The battle scenes were fun, and (THANK GOD) shot clearly without using shaky-cam or fast editing, those two errant turds on the delicious pie of most action films. It’s also nice to see a movie that seems like it was created out of love and affection by people who actually care for the franchise, and who don’t feel the need to make it ironic or quippy.

While I mentioned that the writing is weak (most characters are frustratingly undeveloped and there are lots of important-sounding proper nouns that left me scratching my head), I see plenty of room for improvement, and with more refinement and focus, I can see a great sequel arising from this. I genuinely hope this franchise continues, because even though it’s not my thing and certainly not without its weaknesses, I enjoyed it for the most part and it feels like such a refreshing medicine to the disease of bland, corporate modern blockbusters that I don’t mind the odd taste or that the spoon is made from frozen fanboy wank.

74. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – I admit to being one of the few people that liked the Michael Bay-produced 2014 TMNT reboot, so I was also one of the few people looking forward to this year’s generically-subtitled sequel. I’m happy to say that as incremental as it may be, OOTS is a definite improvement. It feels less like the factory-assembled reboot typical of Hollywood attempts to cash in on nostalgic properties, and feels more in line with the original cartoon series. No longer is charisma-vacuum Megan Fox the main character; she is relegated to supporting duties, and the turtles (still enthusiastically played by their mo-cap actors) take center stage. This movie does the typical sequel thing where it includes more villains than the first, but all of them (besides Shredder, who is little more than a cameo) are surprisingly entertaining and never outstay their welcome. Tyler Perry is delightful as a mad scientist, as are the two guys who play man-beasts Bebop and Rocksteady. “Arrow” star Stephen Amell is clearly having a blast as vigilante Casey Jones. The action sequences are creative and fun to watch.

There’s plenty of product placement, but the Turtles have always been whores designed to sell merchandise, so it doesn’t feel out of place. I miss Brian Tyler’s bombastic music from the first film, the score here by Steve Jablonsky being much more generic and forgettable. The few attempts at character development are trite and unnecessary. The writing is still kinda crappy, and there’s a bit too much juvenile humor. I suppose my biggest complaint is that while the filmmaking is competent, it really lacks the sort of energy and inspiration to take it to the next level. Almost all the elements for a genuinely good Turtles movie are here; it just needs someone to put it all together into something that’s more than the sum of its parts, and not the dude who directed “Earth to Echo” (I’d heard of it either).

73. Zootopia – Nice animation, great attention to detail and some good visual gags (the population-counter on the rabbit farm, the wolf cop going undercover, etc.). Highlight of the film was the opening school-play scene. Nice message for the kids about how prejudices can lead even the most well-intentioned of people astray. Plot goes through the familiar beats of a Disney film, except for a pretty retarded third-act heel turn that I won’t spoil, but it would make more sense and have more story impact if the character didn’t feel so minor, and if it wasn’t so last-minute in the movie. “Frozen” was dull as shit, but at least the scene where HANS BETRAYS ANNA (spoiler warning) was pretty hilarious because of how well-timed and out of nowhere it was. The “grown-up” references (Godfather, Breaking Bad, etc.) feel pretty forced, mainly due to them just being references and not actual jokes. Overall, it’s a decent, well-made, and occasionally funny film (“I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but we are good at multiplying”), but the overly-formulaic and predictable plot signifies that Disney’s lack of creative ambition is still there. Also, the sloth scene might have been funny if I hadn’t already seen it in the trailer. It’s definitely not one of those scenes that’s funny more than once.

Recommended for kids, furries, and those who love animal puns.

72. Hush – A deaf-mute writer is terrorized in her home by a psychopath intent on killing her. A nice premise with a refreshing twist on the tired home invasion genre, and the movie is a brisk 81 minutes. However, I feel like it should have been shorter, and it was only so long because the villain was so unbelievably stupid. At multiple points he could have entered her home and killed her pretty easily, but the plot dictates that she needs to think of ways to survive and outsmart him, so he’s just written as a crazy and evil idiot who wants to toy with his prey. I imagine most people would be fine with it, but his behavior became more annoying than scary after a while.

Making the film watchable is the solid directing and cinematography, along with writer/star Kate Siegel who makes for a very sympathetic and likable protagonist. We both wince and feel for her character when she gets hurt, as she sobs quietly but can’t audibly cry. Her performance is so convincing that I was genuinely surprised to find out that she’s not actually deaf in real life. The movie is decent and worth watching if you like horror-thrillers, and it shows than Blumhouse can still produce the occasional, not-garbage horror film.

71. War Dogs - I wasn’t a fan of the “Hangover” trilogy, even if the third entry was an admirably bold middle-finger to all of its established fans, but I saw talent in Todd Phillips’ direction which made me somewhat look forward to his next endeavor. Based on a true story, Miles Teller and Jonah Hill play two 20-something Miami dudes who get into the world of gun-running and happen upon a major but shady deal with the U.S. government. Basically, “Lord of War” for the new generation. However, where “Lord of War” was, despite its’ wry sense of humor, a pretty dramatic and searing look at the arms trade and the U.S. government’s involvement with it. “War Dogs”, meanwhile, feels more like a lightweight “Wolf of Wall Street”-esque rise-and-fall story of two friends and businessmen that, despite the constant references to the Bush administration, feels like only a passing criticism of the government. The key problem with the movie is how been-there-done-that it is. Even if you know nothing about the real-world story that inspired it, all the dramatic beats and character progressions are thoroughly predictable, and watching it I felt like I’ve seen this movie a hundred times already. It even opens with a variation of that freeze-frame “You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation” cliché. It’s not bad. It’s solid in pretty much every aspect. The directing by Phillips (I like a visual gag where a character sees approaching Iraqi insurgents in his truck’s side mirror, then the camera pans down to “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”), the writing, the acting (with a noteworthy turn by Jonah Hill). It’s all fine. But the movie’s crippling lack of ambition means that by the end of the year, it’ll probably be completely forgotten about. I’m writing this review two days after having seen it and I’m genuinely having trouble remembering things about it. To put it in a hack-y movie critic kind of way; “War Dogs” is a gun that doesn’t malfunction, but never hits the bulls-eye either.

70. Jason Bourne – If the Bourne films popularized the “gritty espionage thriller” genre, 2016’s “Jason Bourne” feels like a generic knockoff made while the trend was hot, except it’s several years later and no one really cares. Still, I was looking forward to the film, because there are so few good action movies coming out these days and Paul Greengrass is at least a pretty strong director. I will always slightly resent Greengrass for popularizing the shaky-cam, fast-editing style of action filmmaking, but I admit he does it better than pretty much everyone, and it actually suits Bourne’s gritty, improvisational nature. There’s an early chase set during a riot in Athens and a climactic chase in Las Vegas that feel as urgent and intense as any action scenes I’ve seen in a while. Still, you wish the guy would invest in a tripod or something. It’s nice that Greengrass doesn’t discriminate, but exclusively hiring camera operators with Parkinson’s does make the end product a bit hard to follow, visually.

The plot is some hokum about the CIA trying to knock off a billionaire social media tech guru because he won’t let them use his product to spy on everyone, and somehow Jason Bourne is brought out of exile/retirement because of EVEN MORE buried secrets about his past. It’s pretty generic stuff that tries to be timely but comes across as trying too hard. Damon’s a compelling lead, and he’s given a decent villainous counterpart in Vincent Cassel, but it’s hard to be involved in the material. I was also disappointed by the lack of character development for Julia Stiles’ returning Nicky Parsons. Some insight into why she came out of hiding to give Bourne information would have been nice. The rest of the cast is unmemorable; Tommy Lee Jones in particular looks like he’s counting down the seconds until he stops shooting and can cash in his check.

You can tell that this is a tacked-on cash-grab sequel. They couldn’t even bother thinking of a proper Bourne title (The Bourne Resurgence, maybe?), and while Damon and Greengrass are definitely not half-assing it, you can tell their hearts aren’t really in this. Their workmanlike approach and their undeniable talent, however, does mean that Jason Bourne is an enjoyable thriller, and you’ll at least get a great pair of action scenes out of it. Still, what the hell were they thinking, making a Bourne film without Jeremy Renner?

69. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - There is perhaps no bigger red flag to me for a major blockbuster movie than hearing about “extensive reshoots”. Putting aside the lessons we’ve learned from “Fantastic 4” and “Suicide Squad”, the main problem with these kinds of reshoots is that it speaks to the studio not having enough confidence in the director’s vision, and more in the opinions of test audiences. I know that reshoots are commonplace in the film industry, but when they announced that “Rogue One” would have several weeks of reshoots that weren’t even headed by director Gareth Edwards, my heart sank a bit.

Now, I don’t mean to compare this to the previously mentioned comic-book dumpster fires, but the fact that “Rogue One” is just “kinda good” makes it pretty disappointing for me. Before some of you nerds ask; no, I didn’t watch this film with the sole purpose of criticizing it and ruining the Star Wars circlejerk. I was really looking forward to it when I heard that Gareth Edwards would direct, because his recent “Godzilla” reboot was fucking awesome and easily one of the best blockbusters of recent years, and I had hoped that “Rogue One” would mark an effort in taking this unkillable franchise to bold, new directions. It’s not like doing so would even be considered risky; “Star Wars” fans would literally pay money to eat dogshit if they were told it’d be canon or if the actor who played Wedge Antilles told them to do it.

But there’s the problem. Despite some differences in approach to the main saga, “Rogue One” is as safe as they come. Sure, there’s no opening crawl and the visuals are grittier than usual, but in terms of dialogue, storytelling, style of music, etc., it’s still very much a Star Wars movie. I do like how the movie takes itself fairly seriously and is bereft of the typical cringe-worthy Disneyquips©, but it kind of lacks the passion and inspiration that made so many people fall in love with the original trilogy.

Michael Giacchino’s score does the job, but isn’t all that memorable. He happily mimics John Williams’ style, but doesn’t display the sense of flair or majesty that made Williams’ music for this series so famous. It’s a shame we’ll never get to hear original composer Alexandre Desplat’s work for this film (he couldn’t do the score due to rescheduling around the reshoots).

The cast is a major case of “talented actors let down by a weak script and thin characters”. Try doing the Plinkett thing and describe the characters’ personalities, without talking about their role in the plot or their motivations, and ask yourself if any of them sound interesting. The main character Jyn Erso is especially disappointing, since what initially seems like a personal quest to find her father turns into her just selflessly becoming a noble rebel hero. There’s kind of an arc, sure, but it’s seriously missing any real drama to make the arc meaningful. This is especially bad during the slow and plodding first two acts of the film, which are rather unengaging and even boring at times.

The only somewhat amusing characters are the droid K-2SO (Alan Tudyk), the blind kung-fu former Jedi (Donnie Yen), and the Death Star director (Ben Mendelsohn). The droid is pretty much the only source of humor in the film, and he feels welcome because he doesn’t feel over-the-top (he’s a kind of cross between C3PO and HK-47). Donnie Yen is an insanely charismatic actor, and he makes his character interesting enough that he can overcome the writing. Ben Mendelsohn makes for an entertaining and slimy villain, but he’s let down by the script and the constraints of the canon more than anyone. Mendelsohn’s naturally villainous performance is wasted due to his character’s frequent emasculation at the hands of old franchise baddies Grand Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader.

And therein lies the crux of the matter, both that of the film and of Disney; they focus less on building the future or telling new, memorable stories in lieu of milking the past for all it’s worth. This is best exemplified by Disney’s decision to reintroduce a pair of ANH characters using their creepy, uncanny-valley CGI technology and body doubles. They did this in a few Marvel movies to have actors play younger versions of themselves, but here they use it to bring a dead actor (Peter Cushing as Tarkin) back to life, and it’s quite morbid and uncomfortable when you think about it. They literally bought a dead man’s likeness from his estate to milk it for nostalgia bucks. Is that where we are as a society where we’re totally cool with something like this? Wouldn’t it be much more natural (and cheaper) to just recast the old characters? You know, with human beings and whatnot?

Don’t get me wrong. As an action-space-fantasy movie, “Rogue One” works well enough. I mentioned previously that the first two acts are meh, despite some good moments (like the Death Star’s demonstration on a desert city, and the whole opening scene). Most of the movie was characters traveling from one colorless location to the next, getting into a scuffle with the Empire, then escaping. It’s in the third act where the movie really kicks into gear. The stakes are raised, things feel more urgent, and the bland locations are swapped for a beautiful tropical beach setting with an Empire base on it. It’s basically one large action sequence, but it works. Edwards again uses his excellent sense of scale and visual prowess to make the battle feel epic and exciting. As someone who isn’t a big Star Wars fan, it’s easily the best 30-40 minutes in any of the movies for me.

However, while “Rogue One” gives an admirable effort in being its own thing, it can’t help but keep calling back to the original trilogy just to please its established fanbase. I don’t blame all of the film’s flaws on the reshoots. There’s no obvious difference between original and new footage like a crappy wig or awful, forced humor. And who knows, maybe the reshoots actually made the film better. But at the end, “Rogue One” feels like it doesn’t want to be a Star Wars movie but is forced to be one (pun intended) by its strict parents. So often the characters go on about “hope”, as if they are seeking HOPE of a NEW variety. It may be like poetry (it rhymes), but after a point it becomes less poetry and more beating you over the head with a rhyming dictionary. For future installments, let’s cross our fingers for a little less “hope” and a little more “new”.

68. Passengers – Betrays Chris Pratt’s best movie performance to date, an excellent first act, and its own interesting (and pretty disturbing) premise by watering it down with schmaltzy Hollywood romance, unnecessary action, and a cancer-inducing end-credits Imagine Dragons song. I could write an entire essay on why the movie’s specific approach to its story is deeply uncomfortable. I’m also pretty much over Jennifer Lawrence at this point.

67. Three – Intriguing and unique chamber piece, but its comical elements and over-the-top melodrama feel out of place, and the final shootout feels like style just for style’s sake, which makes it oddly boring. Watchable, but a massive step down for Johnnie To after his excellent “Drug War”.

66. Captain Fantastic – Soulful performance from Viggo Mortensen and the occasional touching and insightful moment help buoy this portrayal of family and unconventional parenting whose biggest flaw is having a script and viewpoint that’s too smug and proud of itself for its own good, which makes most of the emotional moments feel cheap and unearned. Wes Anderson could have made a great movie out of this.

65. The Edge of Seventeen – Overcomes (just barely) the unlikability of its main character, the annoying way characters always describe what they’re going through, and its own sheer predictability with good performances, the occasional funny line and a fairly honest and empathetic look at growing up. I’d respect it more if it had the balls to have an unhappy ending. Woody Harrelson gives probably my favorite portrayal of a teacher in a movie.

64. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice – Oh, boy, here we go. For the record, this review is of the extended cut of the film.

I firmly believe that you can make or break a movie in editing. No matter how good the writing, acting, directing, and cinematography are, if a film is poorly edited, it becomes confusing at best, and a complete chore to watch at worst. Such was the case with the theatrical cut of the highly-anticipated (not by me, of course) “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”, a film that despite being two-and-a-half hours long, felt like a rushed and confusing mess. I’m not saying that the extended cut is some sort of masterpiece, but this 3-hour version is what Zack Snyder intended the finished product to be before Warner Bros. got their stupid fucking fingers on it. Characters are given more scenes to be fleshed out, subplots are better developed, and the pacing is significantly improved, amounting to a much more coherent and downright better film. If you saw the theatrical version and are really on the fence about the film, I recommend watching the extended cut.

The movie itself is still fundamentally flawed in some aspects. It’s still a film constrained by the pressure to set up an entire cinematic universe, which makes the story itself suffer. It probably should have been solely about the personal grudge between Batman and Superman and the consequences it takes on both of them, and them eventually teaming up together when they realize they’re not so different and both want the same thing. The actual movie tries to do that, have Lex Luthor try to destroy both of them, introduce Wonder Woman, set up Wonder Woman’s origin story, set-up three other Justice League members’ origin stories, set up the Justice League movie itself, have an investigative Lois Lane subplot, hint at a future bad guy, and create a giant Frankenstein monster for the third act, among other things. The movie does keep most of these plates spinning, but some of them do fall. It’s an ambitious undertaking, but we’re still left with expensive broken china.

The writing is pretty hackneyed, too. If you can explain Lex Luthor’s motivation for hating Superman to me without citing a comic book or saying “it’s just what he does”, please do. They hint at some biblical reason for it (the Christ allegories and symbolism are even less subtle here as they were in “Man of Steel”, to give you an idea), but it came across as Lex hating him for no particular reason and trying to quote scripture to justify it. There are like three extended dream sequences in the movie, which feels like two too many. And then there’s that awful flow-breaking scene where they set-up The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. I’m reminded of an anecdote where during the making of “Man of Steel”, Zack Snyder wanted to include an after-credits scene but producer Christopher Nolan opposed, telling him “A real movie wouldn’t do that.” This story is probably bullshit, but I think it’s funny that Snyder made an after-credits scene and just crowbarred it into the middle of the movie.

“Batman v. Superman” attempts (and actually succeeds for a while) to really create a sense of consequence in a comic book movie, with the whole world, particularly Batman, being concerned about Superman’s presence on Earth after the destruction caused in “Man of Steel”. But it’s all kind of thrown out the window when that conflict is immediately dropped after the “MARTHA” scene so they could team up to fight the aforementioned Frankenstein monster. The “MARTHA” scene has become kind of infamous, but I was actually fine with it (even if it could have been better written) until Batman says “Don’t worry. Martha’s not dying tonight”, which got a good howl out of me. It was at the very least an interesting movie until it became the typical third-act destruction fest that has characterized so many superhero flicks, with even a few tonally jarring quips thrown in for good measure. The actual fight between Batman and Superman only lasts for like 5 minutes, despite so much buildup. While fun, it feels really schlocky, especially when Batman rips a sink out of a bathroom wall and starts beating Superman over the head with it. Why they started fighting in the first place instead of talking it out like Superman originally intended is beyond me, as well. Zack Snyder’s penchant for outstanding visuals is never in question (he does handheld camerawork better than pretty much anyone) but his grasp on storytelling has always been a bit iffy, even if this is arguably his best work.

If you’re a comic book fan and weren’t a fan of the characterization in this film, the extended cut won’t change your mind on that. Superman is still kind of a dick, Lex Luthor is still a Jolly Rancher-sucking autist, and Batman still kills people. It (mostly) makes sense in the context in the film, and I personally didn’t care too much, but I know some comic book fans who won’t forgive it. Last but not least, I want to mention what is probably the most annoying product placement I’ve seen in a movie this year. It’s not as gratuitous as a TMNT or Transformers flick, but at least those films didn’t take themselves seriously. There is nothing that can ruin a good, serious scene like a really out-of-place product placement. I was enjoying the scene with Clark Kent and Lois Lane in the bathtub until the camera turned to the bottle of Olay and stayed there for like a solid 2 seconds. The scene I was most looking forward to in the movie (the “Man of Steel” destruction of Metropolis as seen through Bruce Wayne’s eyes, which was really well done) was really hurt by the fact that right before the movie started they showed an ad for the Jeep used in the scene, using footage from the movie. There’s also a scene where Lex Luthor tries to force-feed Holly Hunter a Jolly Rancher. I understand that the movie’s titanic budget has to come from somewhere, but it’s shit like this that really pulls me out of the movie.

The cast is strong, particularly Jeremy Irons’ Alfred and Ben Affleck, who exceeds all expectations as Batman, even if he looks a bit silly in the suit. If nothing else, I’m really looking forward to his solo Batfleck film. Gal Gadot is nothing special, but at least she isn’t terrible. Henry Cavill is solid and likable even when the script lets him down, as is Amy Adams (not to politicize things, but I feel like this movie is getting no credit whatsoever for actually having a female love-interest who is like ten years older than her male counterpart, as opposed to the typical older-male-younger-female one). I like how they try to make Laurence Fishburne’s newspaper editor like a reverse J. Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man, constantly telling Clark Kent to report on some local sports team and admonishing him for writing about a vigilante dressed up as a bat beating the shit out of criminals and branding them.

I could go on, but at least BvS feels like an actual movie, instead of the really long trailer that was “Man of Steel”. Its (many) flaws aside, Zack Snyder is to be commended for using such a massive budget to at least try and do something different and ambitious than typical superhero films, and the fact that he succeeds as much as he does despite so many expectations and so much pressure is to be lauded. His cast is good, his action scenes are brutal and weighty (I loved that “Arkham” style warehouse fight between Batman and a group of armed thugs), his heart is in the right place, and he really, honestly dares to be different. If he had a better script and a not-terrible studio to back him up, “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” would be appreciated for what it is, and not the kind of movie that inspires actual news articles about RottenTomatoes.

63. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk – Uneven but occasionally powerful and refreshingly biting look at America’s oft-hypocritical worship of its soldiers and what battle can really do to their psyche, with lead actor and newcomer Joe Alwyn deftly carrying the movie on his shoulders. Let down by a weak script and most of the supporting characters being one-dimensional caricatures, however intentional it may be. The weirdest cast ever assembled for a drama (Garrett Hedlund, Chris Tucker, Steve Martin, Kristen Stewart, and Vin Diesel) works surprisingly well, except for the sadly out-of-place Martin. Didn’t get to see it in the original 4K, 120fps format, but at least I don’t get a headache out of it.

62. Hidden Figures – Typical inspirational historical drama. Sugary and as clichéd as it gets, but solid enough that it works. Elevated by strong performances from the three leading women, made amusing by how every other line spoken by any of them is an Obama-esque crowd-pleasing “Mmhmm” moment, and almost ruined by the presence of Bazinga as a racist, sexist strawman who is just there to be continually outsmarted and embarrassed by the smart, black lady. Probably going to become a staple in high school math/physics classes with lazy teachers. Thumbs up for the Oscar-bait title.

61. 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – I let out a good chortle when I heard that there would be a movie about the 2012 Benghazi attack starring Jim from “The Office” and directed by none other than Michael Bay, a man whose approach to maturity and good taste generally amounts to a passing laugh and cocaine-sneeze. It was to my pleasant surprise (and admitted slight disappointment) that “13 Hours” turned out to be not only a solid military thriller but also Bay’s most restrained and mature movie. Don’t get me wrong; there’s still plenty of military hardware porn, explosions, and tastefully lit shots of a shirtless John Krasinski (hnnng). However, it also doesn’t include the obnoxious humor and out-of-place product placement that characterize most of his films (although there is a really unnecessary scene in a McDonald’s drive-through), and it actually takes itself fairly seriously, which is surprising coming from the guy who directed a film about two Miami cops who single-handedly invade Cuba.

It presents an account of what happened that night at the U.S. embassy and nearby CIA station as seen through the perspective of the security contractors stationed there, and it avoids politicizing the matter. There’s an annoying CIA chief strawman who refuses to let the contractors go in early to rescue the ambassador, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. The rest is a tense military action film, along with the expected jingoistic hero worship that these types of films have to include by law or something, though thankfully it’s not as bad here. Bay spends a decent amount of time setting up the location, the characters and the situation, before tits go inevitably up. The characters are fairly thin, their non-action scenes amounting to the usual dick-swinging soldier banter and some phone calls to their wholesome, attractive families back home, but the actors are good and convincing enough to make you care about them.

The action scenes are the reasons to see this, characterized by strong sound design and the aforementioned hardware porn that I admittedly enjoy, as well as some great shots, like the slo-motion one of a soldier surrounded by sparks. I also liked the atmosphere of the film, as the contractors slowly move through the ghostly streets of Benghazi, one of them remarking “It’s like we’re in a horror movie”, as some residents nearby are casually watching a soccer match while ignoring the gunfights outside their homes, as if it’s just another weekday evening.

The writing is pretty weak. It gets the needed information across, but the characterization is thin, the dialogue ranges from corny to boring, and there really isn’t enough plot to make this movie as long as it is.

Nontheless, it’s a solid action-thriller. I’ve defended Michael Bay for a long time now (mainly because he made “The Rock”, and I don’t see any other fucking director that made “The Rock”), but between this and 2013’s “Pain & Gain” he shows how much better he can be with smaller budgets and when not constrained by a plot involving giant robots punching each other and making racial wisecracks.

60. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Imagine “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”, but not as good, and you get a good idea of what “Popstar” is like. The humor was pretty hit-or-miss and definitely favored quantity over quality when it came to the jokes, as can be expected from a movie made by SNL alumni, but it kept me entertained and made me laugh enough to warrant a recommendation. Funniest bits were the TMZ parodies, Justin Timberlake, and the “Equal Rights” music video.

59. Midnight Special – I like Jeff Nichols as a filmmaker. It’s partly because Michael Shannon is in all of his films, and I’ll watch anything that man does at this point, but Nichols has shown himself to be a nuanced and compelling storyteller with an excellent command of both atmosphere and tone. It’s this skilled storytelling and another strong performance from Shannon that make Midnight Special worth watching, even if it’s all in service of a story that becomes pretty dumb by the time we find out what’s going on.

The basic plot is that of a father who runs away from a religious compound with his son and is soon hunted by a number of groups because of some mysterious power that his son possesses. The opening scene where they and a helping friend of the father hurriedly leave a motel room and drive away into the night is excellent and expertly sets up a low-key but involving sci-fi thriller tone. Unfortunately, the more the movie goes on, the more we find out what the son’s powers are and what his “purpose” is, and without spoiling anything, it lost me pretty quickly after the late-second act revelation. The strong cast led by Shannon and Nichols’ direction kept the movie compelling enough to get me to the finish line, but this is definitely a case of a screenplay being too ambitious for its own good.

58. Green Room – Punk rockers vs. neo-Nazis is a premise more fitting of a sillier movie, in my opinion. Writer/director Jeremy Saulnier (who made 2014’s underrated gem “Blue Ruin”) probably knew this, and subverts it by making “Green Room” as grim and unpleasant as he possibly could. Going off of a theme from “Blue Ruin”, the deaths in this movie are often bloody, realistically brutal, and purposely sudden and anticlimactic, simultaneously being a violent movie but also anti-violence. Saulnier’s technical aptitude and the talents of the cast are never in question, and the movie itself is quite gripping and well-paced. I don’t think “Green Room” is as good or thematically rich as “Blue Ruin”, and the ending is a bit of a letdown, but it’s still a well-made and clever genre flick, and if you enjoy feeling like shit and averting your eyes from the screen then it’s the movie for you.

57. Eye in the Sky – A government joint-operation to kill some high-ranking terrorists in Kenya via a drone strike is halted when a little local girl enters the kill-radius. The story is told from the perspective of a ground recon team trying to get her out, the drone pilots, and the military brass and government officials who argue about whether the strike is justified and should be carried out. It has a good setup and a pretty powerful climax, but drags quite a bit in the middle portion where those in charge of the operation keep referring up to their superiors to figure out if they can/should/will fire the missile. The cast, in particular the late, great Alan Rickman as a weary general, are good enough to get you through the duller bits of the movie, and it’s really nice to see Barkhad Abdi in a movie again. While it could have trimmed some of its excess fat, “Eye in the Sky” is a tense, compelling thriller, and a much more mature and responsible examination of the consequences of drone warfare than “London Has Fallen”, albeit much less entertaining.

56. Sully – You’ve got to give Clint Eastwood credit. For a guy in his mid 80’s, he sure is prolific these days, regularly cranking out solid movies every year or two. In retelling the events of the “Miracle on the Hudson” passenger plane water landing from a years beack “Sully” continues that tradition by being good. Not great, but good. Tom Hanks makes for a fine lead, Aaron Eckhart is decent as Hanks’ co-pilot and friend (albeit constantly overshadowed by his own glorious mustache), just about everything else is meh. The highlight of the movie is the water landing itself, shown 3 times at different points from the perspectives of an air traffic controller, the passengers, and finally the cockpit. These scenes are intense and pretty harrowing, dodgy CGI aside. The rest of the movie is either the lead-up to the flight, or the aftermath where Captain Sully deals with the mental trauma from the incident and contends with a federal investigative committee that easily wins the award for “Most Obvious Strawmen of the Year”. Whatever. The film is well-made and compelling enough. As I said before, it’s good. It’s the definition of a 7/10 movie. If you’re old, like the audience during my theater showing was, you’ll probably love it. Everyone else will probably just like it. If you’re expecting something along the lines of Eastwood’s “Unforgiven” or “Letters from Iwo Jima”, you’ll be disappointed, but if you just want a solid, likable movie, this won’t Sully your expectations…I’m sorry for that one.

55. Christine – An amazing, simultaneously magnetic but also hard-to-watch performance by Rebecca Hall as 1970’s reporter Christine Chubbuck, and a very raw portrayal of depression, but ultimately feels pointless as it says nothing about Chubbuck or her mental state, as if the film is keeping her at a distance when it should be holding us down face-first into what she was truly feeling, making the ordeal feel kind of exploitative, when you think about it. If you know her story, the scene you spend the whole movie anticipating is done excellently, however.

54. Certain Women – MINIMALISM. It’s either your type of thing or it isn’t. “Certain Women” is three loosely-connected stories about women who live in Montana, and it’s as grounded and un-flashy as a film can get without being a home movie. It’s one of those films that’s about normal people and their everyday problems, and makes it all seem profound. To me, it worked well for the most part. I was engaged by the nicely composed cinematography and the good performances. The three stories vary in quality. Laura Dern plays a small-town lawyer who gets caught up in a hostage situation, and this is the most straightforward of the three, but also quite engaging. Michelle Williams plays a mother who wants to build her dream home in the woods but faces ambivalence from everyone in her life, and hers is the weakest story, if only because it feels so short and anticlimactic (even by this movie’s standards). 

The third story is surprisingly the best, with a ranch hand played by newcomer Lily Gladstone who forms a bond with a young law school graduate played by Kristen Stewart, and it’s an affecting and nuanced look at loneliness. Kelly Reichardt’s direction is modest and very low-key, but it’s empathetic and creates a good sense of atmosphere. This movie is also slower than watching paint dry at half-speed, lacks any overt drama and is very light on plot, so it’s one of those movies you’ll either completely love or won’t care for at all. I liked it, because I’m an edgy contrarian, and because I like a movie that gives its characters breathing room and trusts the audience to be smart enough to get their own thematic value out of it, so it’s worth your while if you’re not feeling too sleepy. Plus, there’s an adorable corgi in it, so automatic recommendation from me.

53. Manchester by the Sea – Reading the reviews and seeing all the award nominations, you’d think this mostly plotless exploration of grief is the desperately-needed salvation of cinema. When the credits rolled, however, all that hype ended up giving me was a resounding “Wait, that’s it?”.

The film is about a Boston janitor with a tragic past whose brother dies, and he goes back to his coastal New England hometown to handle his brother’s affairs and break the news to his son. As the janitor, Casey Affleck delivers one of the best portrayals of grief I’ve ever seen. Even before you know his story, his eyes and demeanor subtly hide an ocean of pain and heartbreak, and he pulls it off so naturally you often forget you’re watching an actor. Equally as good (and possibly better) is Michelle Williams, who plays his ex-wife. The filmmaking crime of the century is only putting her in the movie for like 5-10 minutes, where focusing more on her and Affleck’s relationship would have made the movie infinitely better, in my opinion. The guy who plays Affleck’s nephew is alright, given that his and Affleck’s relationship is the core of the movie, but nothing to write home about other than one really good breakdown scene. Everyone else ranges from “passable” to “clearly acting for the first time” to “distracting cameo from Matthew Broderick”.

I don’t wish to imply that the movie fails in any major way. I wasn’t a fan of how often the movie tried to be funny (“funny” in that New England way where characters swear a lot), and there is a glaring overuse of music, but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. I suppose that outside of a small handful of powerful scenes and moments, “Manchester by the Sea” felt like it was missing that emotional gut-punch it aimed for. It peaks halfway through in a flashback where we see what made Affleck’s character the way he is, and the movie only comes close to matching it during the last scene between Affleck and Williams. Don’t get me wrong; I understand the intention of making the film understated, so as to show a realistic depiction of grief, where people kind of just continue going about life and trying to not think about it. However, it goes a bit too far in this direction, to the point where I didn’t care for the mundanity of their lives and wanted some crying and goddamn emotion. This may be an over-simplification of how I feel, but basically, the movie is 10/10 when Affleck and Williams are onscreen together, an 8/10 when it’s just Affleck, and a 5/10 or a 6/10 when it’s any other combination of actors.

52. A Bigger Splash – Seems like it’s going to be a mature meditation on romance and desire until Ralph Fiennes shows up 5 minutes in, steals the entire fucking movie away from both the director and the rest of the cast, rubs his dick on the print, then sets it on fire while giggling to himself and dancing around naked. One of the best performances in a career filled with great performances. Movie goes downhill significantly in the last 30 or so minutes.

51. The Love Witch – Clever satire of gender dynamics as seen through the eyes of a love-addicted femme fatale witch. PERFECTLY nails the old-school Technicolor horror/sexploitation vibe. The art design, camerawork, hair/makeup, and even the way the actors behave is spot-on. Bravo to director Anna Biller and all involved as far as the technical aspects go. Story is at first detrimentally slow and the movie is far too long, but it picks up in the second half. Feels a bit too written, as if the characters occasionally stop being themselves and become mouthpieces for the writer/director.

50. Hardcore Henry – Let it not be said that there is no innovative filmmaking these days. Russian musician and music video director Ilya Naishuller was given a few million dollars to make a balls-to-the-wall action film filmed entirely from the first-person perspective of the main character. The most impressive thing about the stupidly-titled “Hardcore Henry” is how much mileage it manages to get out of its first-person gimmick, and how surprisingly well-made it is. Actual stunts are performed, effects are mostly practical (aside from a few bits of awful CGI), and you always feel like you’re in the body of the main character. The action scenes are fun and inventive, there’s a good deal of humor (I liked the bit with the overlapping subtitles), and Sharlto Copley gives a great performance as several incarnations of the same man with different personalities and looks. The plot is completely shit, and gets a bit too bogged down with exposition at times, but it’s never too intrusive. I suppose the biggest concern there is with this movie is if you can handle the filming technique, because the constant movement of the camera, especially during the action scenes, can give you motion sickness. I got a headache and a bit of nausea while watching it, but it could have been from the McDonald’s I had just before seeing it, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. I think that it works much better on a small screen instead of a movie theater either way, and even while on the verge of throwing up, I had a good deal of fun with “Hardcore Henry”. If you’ve ever used a VR headset while on meth, it should give you a good idea of the experience.

49. Hail, Caesar! – The Coen Brothers are my favorite filmmakers. So strong is their output that even their “bad” movies are good movies by any other standard. I don’t wish to imply that “Hail, Caesar!” is one of their “bad” ones, but it’s definitely on the lower end of their spectrum. The promotional material led me to believe that it would be a comic thriller about a 1950’s Hollywood fixer (a “problem solver” for studios) who teams up with a number of colorful showbiz people to rescue a kidnapped leading man. While the basic plot is there, the movie feels more like a leisurely series of vignettes about the colorful characters, loosely-connected by the fixer asking them for their help. It’s all amusing, colorful, and beautifully shot by eternal Oscars bridesmaid Roger Deakins, but it feels like it’s missing any sort of narrative thrust or stakes. The Coens don’t seem to be going for that sort of film, and it feels intentionally meandering and light, so the film is better if you go in expecting it. The writing is entertaining, but while the film is certainly hilarious in parts and never boring, some comedic bits feel stretched out for far too long (such as the scene with the religious leaders), which is unusual for the Coens.

The whole endeavor is less about plot and more about being a fun tribute-by-way-of-pisstake to Old Hollywood. It reminds me a bit of their earlier work “Barton Fink”, albeit broader, sillier, less existential, and much less cynical. We see old-fashioned editing rooms, grand movie sets, a wonderful musical number, Communism, etc. The Coen Brothers made a film that feels nostalgic towards a simpler era of filmmaking, while still acknowledging that even back then they made crap films. The biggest selling point in the movie is its’ all-star cast. I can’t remember the last time a movie had this many big-name actors attached to it. Sadly, due to the light nature of the story, a lot of them feel like glorified cameos, even if there isn’t a weak link among them. George Clooney is in top-form in the role of the kidnapped actor, the type of buffoon the Coens always seem to make him play. Channing Tatum is great as a tap-dancing musical star. Completely stealing the show is up-and-comer Aldren Ehrenreich, who plays a dopey but sweet cowboy actor, and who is so naturally funny, likable and charismatic here that I don’t have a single doubt about him becoming huge in the near future.

It just goes to show that even a lesser Coen Bros. film is still vastly better than the best work by most directors. While slow and kind of pointless overall, “Hail, Caesar!” is still a funny, gorgeous, and charming homage to the Hollywood Golden Age, one that rewards attention and repeated viewings, and welcomes them as well.

48. Finding Dory – Not on par with “WALL-E” or “Up”, but entertaining and nicely emotional. Feels like a welcome return to form for Pixar after so many years of disappointments. Bonus points for being the good kind of sequel, one that not only works on its own but actually adds new dimension to the original. Kind of disappointing, because before seeing the movie I was all ready to say “Finding Dory? More like FOUND IT BORING”. Nice message about family and taking care of a family member with special needs. Looking forward to “Finding Marlin”, where we see Marlin as an alcoholic going through a midlife crisis as he tries to singlehandedly raise a crippled son and his mentally handicapped friend.

47. Deadpool – One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is characters breaking the fourth-wall. I don’t mind a film being cheeky, but a movie occasionally pausing itself to acknowledge that it’s a movie annoys me to no end. I say this because “Deadpool” actually does fourth-wall breaking right, making it a key part of the humor and tone and story rather than an occasional “look at how clever and ironic we are” moment.

One would think because of this that “Deadpool” is just an endless series of self-referential jokes. It mostly is, but thankfully there’s an actual story, a bicycle for all the colorful tassels to hang on. Don’t get me wrong; the story is generic as hell. It’s still your typical superhero origin story, albeit one helped greatly by the nonlinear structure, alluding to Deadpool as an unreliable narrator. Also helping is a surprisingly engaging romance aspect, thanks to Ryan Reynolds’ and Morena Baccarin’s great chemistry and that the romance is a key part of the main character’s motivations (and that the girl feels like an actual character, not just a crowbarred-in love interest like almost every other comic book movie). One of the best scenes in the film is a montage of them “celebrating” various holidays.

Reynolds is perfectly cast as Wade Wilson, a role that his whole career since “Van Wilder” has been building towards. He effortlessly captures the character’s smarminess and gallows humor, but also makes him just likable enough to root for. Baccarin shows enough personality and comic timing that I certainly won’t mind seeing her having a bigger role in the sequel. The action sequences are the highlights. Tim Miller (in his directing debut) shows a clear aptitude for this, making the fight scenes bloody, funny, and visually creative, doing more with $60 million than most directors can do with $200 million.

Your enjoyment of “Deadpool” will come from whether you like its sense of humor. Given the sheer amount of jokes the film flings at the wall, a number of them are going to fall flat. However, to me a lot of them did land, and the movie is quite funny despite being a bit too in love with itself, and any comedy film that doesn’t give away its best jokes in the trailer (especially with a marketing campaign like this film had) is worthy of a recommendation in my eyes.

46. Blood Father – This is the best Liam Neeson movie that Liam Neeson never made. The action is tense and hard-hitting, the cast is good, and the movie is a very lean and efficient 88 minutes. However, there’s some distractingly bad editing at times, the plot is typical Liam Neeson fare (daughter is in trouble with criminals and seeks out her estranged ex-con dad to help out) and the dialogue is pretty wonky and overly reliant on swearing. Also, the girl is fairly annoying, but I suppose it suits her character so I won’t judge her too much for it. What makes the movie work is Mel Gibson’s performance. Looking increasingly like a shredded, captivity-era Saddam Hussein, Gibson is a volcano almost constantly on the verge of eruption. He plays a pissed-off man better than anyone, but he also showcases a good deal of humor and heart, able to convey more with his demeanor than most actors can with an entire monologue. Plus, watching him bite a guy’s ear off before head-butting him repeatedly is great fun. While Gibson is definitely better than the film’s B-movie material, he sells the hell out of it, elevating everything around him and making up for a lot of the movie’s flaws (you get the feeling it’d be much better if he directed it, as well). “Blood Father” is not quite the Mel Gibson renaissance-marking comeback I keep hoping for, but it’s good enough to recommend. Here’s hoping we don’t have to wait another few years to be reminded how great of an actor he is. Can’t quell the Mel.

45. The Brothers Grimsby (AKA Grimsby) - It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a comedy from Sacha Baron Cohen. His stuff other than “Borat” has gotten a mixed reception, but I’ve always felt that that as a comic he has excellent timing and creativity, and even when not doing his famous “interacting with real people while in character” routine, the guy knows how to put together a joke. In a comedy world filled increasingly with endless cameos and cringe-worthy improv humor, it’s relieving to see a comedian that can still write a solid gag and perform it well.

Cohen plays Nobby, a trashy but kind-hearted English football hooligan who lives in Grimsby, a town so squalid that on a sign it says that its sister city is Chernobyl. He’s spent decades searching for his long-lost younger brother Sebastian (played by Mark Strong), and upon finally finding him he discovers that Sebastian is a highly-trained secret agent who is involved in stopping an elaborate terror attack. Naturally, shenanigans ensue which results in the two brothers teaming together to save the world. The plot is basically “What if James Bond had a fuckup brother?”

Some of the humor is as gross-out as it can get, getting plenty of use out of genitals and bodily fluids (there’s one sequence involving elephants that I don’t think I’ll ever forget). Quite a bit of the humor is based around English class differences, which may go over the head of American audiences, but I quite enjoyed. And some is just tastelessness and over-the-top comedic violence. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I found myself surprised at how much did. There’s a good deal of set-ups and payoffs to the jokes, which I found refreshing, like someone actually spent time to craft the comedy in this film. I’ll say that I laughed pretty often, and I was never less than amused. Strong and Cohen have excellent chemistry together, and the film is at its best when it focuses on the two and their exchanges, with Strong proving to be an excellent straight-man to Cohen’s ridiculousness. It even has a nice little subplot about the two brothers bonding and coming to terms with why they were initially separated that even pays off during the climax.

The movie is a little over 80-minutes and moves at such a fast pace that even if a certain gag doesn’t work, it quickly moves past it. The trade-off to this is that when a gag does work, it’s not given much time to play out. I full-heartedly believe that brevity is the soul of wit, and it’s not a huge issue, but I do wish some of the jokes had a bit of breathing space. Probably the movie’s biggest sin is completely wasting its supporting cast. Penelope Cruz, Isla Fisher, Rebel Wilson, and Ian McShane all feel like bit players who are there just for plot purposes. Maybe that was intentional, to play the film like a straight-faced James Bond film with Cohen there to single-handedly derail it, but why cast talented, well-known actors in such useless bit parts?

I still recommend the film for being genuinely, unapologetically funny, and while a lot of its jokes are in bad taste, they never feel mean-spirited or overly edgy. They come from Cohen’s desire to shock you into laughing, but it feels self-aware and innocent enough that you’re more amused and bewildered rather than offended. Still, if gags about AIDS, incest, bestiality, casual gun violence, lower-class scum, and things being shoved into asses don’t sit well with you, then “The Brothers Grimsby” is not the bland, PG-13, all-inclusive safe-space you want, you precious snowflake.

44. Operation Avalanche – Starts off slowly and ploddingly but before long, it overcomes its’ potentially-gimmicky premise and occasionally unconvincing façade to become a surprisingly engaging and creative foray into “historical” found-footage bolstered by writer/director/star Matt Johnson’s deft storytelling and clear passion for filmmaking, with an unexpectedly excellent car chase to boot.

43. Loving – Jeff Nichols’ “Loving” is an account of Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple who were arrested and then exiled for being married in 1950’s Virginia, and whose case to return home eventually went all the way to the Supreme Court. Given the material and the convenient title, you’d think this was blatant Oscar-bait all the way through, but for the most part it’s not. Jeff Nichols’ empathetic direction and the strong, restrained performances by Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga as the two leads make this film feel human instead of exploitative. Nichols makes an interesting choice to keep the movie very personal and focused on the couple, with the broader Civil Rights Movement only briefly mentioned. I actually liked this approach as it makes you feel the pain and struggle and love of the characters first, and then by extension see how damaging prejudices (both institutional and personal) can be to people.

The film doesn’t completely escape Oscar-bait trappings, however. It still has the comedy-actor-playing-a-dramatic-role in the form of Nick Kroll as the ACLU lawyer assigned to the Lovings. He’s not bad or anything, but he feels a bit distracting and the role doesn’t amount to much. The music is fine, but it still has those corny inspirational cues at moments of triumph and perseverance, places where I think silence would have been much more effective. My biggest complaint is that it’s a Jeff Nichols movie and Michael Shannon is only in it for one scene. It's an important and good one, but you really wish he’d be in the movie more or maybe that’s just me because I LOVE MICHAEL SHANNON, HOLY SHIT. I've come to the conclusion that the quality of a Jeff Nichols film is often in direct proportion to how much Michael Shannon is in it (seriously, go see "Take Shelter" if you haven't already).

The best part of “Loving” is the two leads, who share a quiet but powerful chemistry, both of them reserved people whose love for each other you can feel in the littlest gestures and who don’t need any obvious histrionics or even words to show their feelings to the audience. It’s the solid core that makes the movie good, elegantly guided by Jeff Nichols’ confident and mature direction, even if the rest of it isn’t all that remarkable. Not quite a “Loving” for me, but eaily a “Liking”.

42. Deepwater Horizon - I’ve liked Peter Berg as a director ever since his underrated action-comedy “The Rundown”, starring The Rock back when he was still billed as “The Rock”. He shows an aptitude for action, pacing, and getting good performances out of his actors, but lately, he’s had a really bad case of hero worship. This, “Patriot’s Day” and “Lone Survivor” all have a frankly fetishistic view of real-life bravery, all ending in a text commending the bravery of those involved and including the names of victims, etc. This always felt like a cheap trick to me, one meant to elicit tears and nods of approval from middle-aged audience members who don’t go to the movies that often, rather than properly characterize his heroes. He gets around this somewhat by casting good actors who are likable enough that we care for them in spite of the weak writing and schlocky sense of patriotism. It all just feels weirdly exploitative of the real-life tragedies that the films depict.

As for the movie itself, it’s quite good. It starts with the prerequisite buildup on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, showing negligence on the part of some of the management and the BP executives (read: strawmen), while showing the intelligence on display by the regular, blue-collar engineers and oil rig workers. I don’t deny that things were actually like this (truthfully, I don’t care enough to look it up), but it does feel pretty clichéd in movie form. Then the disaster hits, and there’s a solid 40-or-so minutes of the rig blowing up while the crew scramble to try to contain the situation and evacuate. This part is great. Berg’s technical skill is on full display, helping you follow the characters and what’s going on despite a lot of them speaking in mostly technical terms and the setting feeling like being trapped in a maze that’s on fire. It’s fantastically gripping, edge-of-your-seat stuff, helped by the theater-shaking sound design and convincing visual effects.  The film ends with some tearful family reunions and heart-wrenching breakdowns when the survivors get back home. I’ll say that if I walked out of the film RIGHT after the screen faded to black, I would have a higher opinion about it.

If you like or at least don’t mind the hero-worship stuff, I’ll say that Deepwater Horizon is one of the year’s best-crafted thrillers, a disaster movie where the disaster actually feels scary and real as opposed to the dumb fun of something like “San Andreas”. I’m not against paying respects to the dead or to the bravery involved, but I think it should be done within the context of the film and the script, not forcing the audience to stay an extra five-minutes as some sort of memorial service that we paid money to attend.

41. Rams – This film is about a pair of Icelandic brothers who own neighboring sheep farms. They haven’t spoken to each other for 40 years due to implied but never explicitly-stated petty squabbles and stubborn jealousy, but are forced to work together to save their sheep when their flocks suffer from an outbreak of scrapie, a fatal degenerative disease that affects sheep and goats. This film is very affecting, low-key filmmaking, deftly handling heartbreaking drama, touching bonding, and even some surprisingly funny (albeit-bleak) comedy such as a scene where one character transports another to a hospital. It makes great use of the “show, don’t tell” filmmaking rule. Many scenes have little to no dialogue, but all serve a purpose in terms of plot or characterization or insight. The plot of sheep farmers trying to protect their flock may seem like a hard-to-relate-to storyline, but the film has universal themes of family and loss, and its observant and sympathetic storytelling makes the film accessible to anyone, even if they aren’t familiar with sheep mating procedures.

40. Kubo and the Two Strings - Laika has always been an overlooked animation studio, most known for making the wonderfully creepy “Coraline”, but finding little success in terms of box office even while their films are all quite good. Take “Kubo and the Two Strings”, a flawed but highly original and absolutely stunningly animated film that only managed to make a little over its production budget back, while “Zootopia” made over a billion dollars. Such is life.

The film itself is about a one-eyed boy named Kubo who is hunted by a vengeful demon and must team up with a magical monkey statue and a beetle-man to find some mystical MacGuffins that can help defeat it. It starts out very well, showing the boy’s daily routine of using his magic guitar and origami to tell stories to the local villagers. After shit goes inevitably down, it’s still quite compelling for a while, bringing a melancholy flavor to the boy’s journey and his interaction with his two companions. The problem is that the actual plot is pretty uninteresting, especially after the predictable late second-act plot twist, and while I can appreciate that the conflict resolution in the third act doesn’t just end by one character beating up another, the actual manner in which it’s resolved is pretty dumb.

The reason to see “Kubo and the Two Strings” is its gorgeous stop-motion animation. I had to smack my mouth a few times to remind myself that I wasn’t looking at high-quality CGI. It’s reassuring to learn that Laika is owned by the billionaire former CEO of Nike, so the studio isn’t exactly hurting for cash and can continue to focus on making their original and creative and beautiful movies without needing to dumb them down for most audiences, but it’s still a little depressing when good, accessible films fail to find their audience. While flawed (and nowhere near as good as “Coraline”), “Kubo and the Two Strings” is worth checking out if you love stop-motion animation as much as I do and you’re just waiting for the next Aardman film to come out.

39. April and the Extraordinary World - In an industry almost completely dominated by 3D CGI-animated films, it’s somewhat refreshing to come across a traditionally-animated 2D film. “April and the Extraordinary World” is a French film set in an alternate-history 1940’s where the world’s foremost scientists of the past several decades have gone missing, causing crucial technological innovation to not happen and for the world to continue relying on coal and eventually wood-burning steam power. In a world on the brink of war for resources, April is a young French woman whose parents are two of the missing scientists, and we follow her and her talking cat Darwin as they attempt to solve the mystery behind the disappearances.

I want to start off by mentioning the art style. The characters are the simple but expressive beady-eyed 2D people you’d expect from European animation, but the design of the bleak steampunk world and the technology is amazing. However, and this is what I really like about the film, while it shows how cool-looking steampunk technology can be, it also criticizes it for being completely retarded and impractical and damaging to both the environment and to people, cosplayers be damned (Europe is completely treeless and characters have to wear gas masks if they’re outdoors for too long). The characters (especially the talking cat) are spunky, entertaining, and even have their fair share of depth. The film carries a nice message about using science and optimism instead of violence and negativity to solve the world’s problems. This feels more like the film that “Tomorrowland” should have been, before it got Lindelof’d.

However, it does have kind of the same problem that “Tomorrowland” did, in that the third act gets pretty stupid. It’s certainly not as bad or as nonsensical as it was in that film, and while the plot twist and eventual revelation are actually built towards instead of just dumped on us, it does get rather silly and I sort of lost interest. Without spoiling too much, it does end up relying on that tiresome “in order to save humanity, we have to destroy it” sci-fi cliché that was dumb even back when “The Terminator” did it.

Still, on the whole, I was surprised by how much I liked “April and the Extraordinary World”. While it certainly loses some steam near the end (pun originally unintended), it’s still engaging and surprisingly entertaining enough for the duration of its running time to warrant a recommendation.

Note: If you can, see the French-dubbed version. The English voice actors are good, but the movie and lip-sync feel off by not being in their original language. For the record, this is the only time I’ll ever say that something (other than bread) is improved by being French.

38. Mascots – To me, a mark of a good comedy is if it makes me laugh a lot. By that criteria, Christopher Guest’s latest mockumentary about a professional mascot competition and its participants is a good comedy. There’s not much to say about this film if you’re familiar with Guest’s other improv-heavy comedy films, and structurally it’s very similar to “Best in Show”. It’s not as good as that gem, partly because it feels like a more manufactured scenario, a parody of a part of culture and a competition that doesn’t feel real in the first place (as opposed to the biting satire of the very real world of professional dog-shows), and partly because Fred Willard is only in this for like 5-10 minutes instead of 40-45. Guest regulars Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara’s absences are also felt.

Still, what I like about Guest’s style of comedy that I despise about the Judd Apatow/SNL style of improv is the timing. He knows how to edit his jokes and his characters to keep them funny, and he knows when to let a joke go, as opposed to letting it linger and rot. The fact that he doesn’t write screenplays or hold any rehearsals for himself and his cast pretty much means that he films them performing improv and leaves in whatever is funny. Despite the aforementioned absences, the cast here is still great (with standout performances by Parker Posey, Susan Yeagley, and the guy who fucks from “Silicon Valley”), the movie has plenty of laughs and a surprising amount of poignancy and sweetness, and some of the actual mascot routines in the latter half of the movie are both hilarious and even breathtaking, particularly one involving an expressionist modern-dance about feminism and art in an armadillo costume.

37. The Accountant - One of the most entertainingly uneven films I’ve seen in a long time, “The Accountant” tries to be a character study, a corporate thriller, an operator-style action film, a family drama, a quirky comedy, a PSA about autism, and it even flirts with being an odd-couple romance. It never really comes together in the traditional sense, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a blast watching it try.

The plot is about an autistic accountant who in his secret-life uncooks finances for some of the world’s most dangerous people, and how a seemingly simple assignment in auditing a robotics firm becomes dangerous and blah-blah-blah. This movie has far too much plot and little of it is worth caring about. Where it works surprisingly well is in the character study of the main character, Christian Wolff (who sounds like a name belonging to a character in a cheap erotic novel you can find in airport shops). You see his upbringing, the circumstances that led him to his current career, and his routines in trying to deal with life with high-functioning autism. I (cheekily) said from the start that Ben Affleck is perfect casting for an ass-kicking autist but he’s actually, genuinely, unironically good in a committed and fleshed-out performance that wouldn’t feel out of place in a more serious movie about adults with autism.

In trying to do the other aspects, however, the movie kind of falls apart. The first act is a mostly straightforward setup that you could be forgiven for thinking that it won’t even be a thriller. Wolff’s awkward bluntness around neuro-typicals is played for mild chuckles, because of course it is. Only at the end of it do we see that he’s a badass operator once he’s betrayed and people try to kill him. The second act where a government agent played by J.K. Simmons gives us a 10-minute exposition dump is pretty dull. There’s a hint of some romance between Wolff and a young accountant whose life he saved played by Anna Kendrick, but thankfully it’s never fully realized (“Gosh, I find your lack of social development and the way you cleanly killed the men who attacked me soooo sexy.”)

It’s only in the third act where he goes out to get the people who are after him where the movie becomes a wonderful nirvana of schlock, the “John Wick meets Rain Man” asploitation I hoped it would be. I’m not going to spoil too much, but it has the two funniest plot twists of any film this year, a solid 5 minutes where a caretaker at a home for autistic children gives a PSA about caring for people with disabilities, and a hilarious and completely unnecessary villainous monologue for the ages, courtesy of a paycheck-loving John Lithgow. My only complaint at that point were that there were no accounting-related one-liners in the film, including but not limited to:

- I just depreciated YOUR LIFE

- Don't write me off as a loss just yet

- They must be held accountable

- She's becoming a liability

- He's likes torturing people. He's accrual man

- A character named General Ledger

I don’t know. I chose a dull major, alright?

36. Moonlight – Clichéd dialogue and an annoying tendency to skip over some important/interesting events in the main character’s life, but empathetic performances, a great cast, and a good understanding and balance of the movie’s story and its’ theme of identity. I’m a bit of a tough nut to crack, emotionally speaking, so I feel like the subtle approach from this movie didn’t affect me as much as it did the many people who hail this film as the Second Coming of Christ.

35. Kill Zone 2 – Insane, jaw-dropping, balls-to-the-wall fight scenes that are too often hampered or outright interrupted by that silly and intrusive “plot” nonsense that unfortunately characterizes most post-Jackie Hong Kong kung-fu films. Still, any film that has Tony Jaa doing a flying double knee through a bus windshield and into the driver gets a recommendation from me.

34. Anthropoid – “War is not romantic”.

I’ve always held a soft spot for well-made genre films, and “Anthropoid”, a World War II thriller that, despite a title and poster that look like they belong to some sci-fi horror movie, is certainly that. “Anthropoid” is about a historical real-life mission by the Czech Resistance to assassinate a high-ranking Nazi official in occupied Prague. What I like about this movie is how solemn it is. None of the good guys are clear-eyed heroes who live happily ever after. These are anxious, grimly-professional saboteurs. Most of the resistance members question over whether killing one man is worth the possible consequences it would bring to the Czech people, while the two leads soldier on, determined to follow their orders. Cillian Murphy and the guy from “50 Shades of Grey” (Jamie Dornan) make for a likable pair of leads, and the characters feel human instead of movie-ish. Even during their romances with two local Prague women, it feels less like forced Hollywood trite and more like people trying to comfort each other in a hopelessly bleak environment.

The movie starts slow, but builds well to the more thrilling stuff. Interestingly (minor spoiler), the assassination attempt only occurs halfway through the movie, with the second half being the fallout and repercussions. A more generic movie would have ended with the assassination, before including text commending the bravery of the Czech Resistance and how their mission was successful, but “Anthropoid” instead shows and talks about the horrible things the Nazis did in retaliation, including killing thousands of Czech civilians, before showing what happens to the Resistance members involved in the assassination. I won’t ruin it, but the last half-hour of the movie is pretty devastating stuff.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with Anthropoid, as long as you don’t mind the slow build. It doesn’t really strive for greatness or deep meaning in any way. It’s just a well-made, well-acted, tense, bleak, and morally grey look at an important event in World War II and how it (and war in general) affects people. Bonus points for the cast actually making an effort to speak with Czech accents, instead of the usual historical non-British movie done entirely with British accents.

33. The Siege of Jadotville – Hey, speaking of solid genre flicks starring Jamie Dornan! I love a good war film, so when I heard that when Netflix produced one set during the Congo Crisis of the 1960’s, a refreshing change from the usual “popular” wars like WWII, ‘Nam, and Iraq/Afghanistan, my ears perked up. The plot is about an Irish company of UN peacekeepers who are sent to the tiny town of Jadotville in the resource-rich Congo during a period of upheaval and civil war. Murky politics and other UN operations in the area make things worse, and in retaliation the rebel government and French/Belgian mercenaries send a massive force to attack the isolated Irish troops.

There’s about 40 minutes of setup, in which we see the soldiers (led by Dornan), most of them still teenagers, at home before they get shipped off, we get a broad overview of the political climate in the Congo, including the coup leader and the UN representative sent to assist the central government (played by a shitty hairpiece with a Mark Strong attached to it), as well as the situation that led to tits going up for the peacekeepers. The remaining hour of the movie is the titular week-long siege, with the Irish defending a tactically disadvantaged position with limited food, ammo, and water against a very numerically superior enemy.

All of this is very well-crafted, with good pacing and editing, especially during the battle scenes, which are tense, harrowing, and filmed in a way that you actually get a solid idea of the geography of the siege. History, and even the movie at one point, both say that there were 150 UN troops at Jadotville, but it never seems like there's more than a few dozens of them. It's not a huge issue, but a little distracting.

The characters are pretty thin, with only a handful of the soldiers actually having names, and the writing is nothing special. It’s efficient in the sense that it gets the necessary information across and doesn’t intrude on the story, but it does have the usual clichés you see in a war film. The soldiers are portrayed as brave, noble, and heroic, while the UN leaders and generals are shown as callous, selfish, and incompetent. After some reading into the history, I found that this is not untrue, but it still feels like a conventional audience-pleasing dynamic. To the film’s credit however, it does a nice job of showing how morally grey the conflict was, without really claiming moral superiority for either side, but still makes you care for the UN soldiers at the heart of it. Even the trademark ending text is done tastefully and respectfully.

If you want a compelling, well-crafted war film and have a Netflix subscription, then “The Siege of Jadotville” is worth checking out. Between this and “Anthropoid”, Jamie Dornan has proven himself a capable (and wonderfully mustached) leading man, and in my eyes has done a good job getting his reputation back to “respectable” after “Fifty Shades of Grey” and...oh, there's two sequels to it coming out? Well, here's hoping for more good war films from the lad afterwards.

32. Doctor Strange – Same-old shit from Marvel, in terms of writing and story, but at least contains enough beautiful visuals and creativity to take away a good deal of the staleness. Bonus points for having a climax that is the exact opposite of a typical superhero destruction-fest.

31. The Magnificent Seven – At a film festival like TIFF, which is mainly meant for foreign, independent, arthouse films and prestige pictures, “The Magnificent Seven”, a remake of John Sturges’ 1960 original and an unapologetic, old-fashioned Western, stands out. As a genre-film aficionado, that appealed to me enough that I saw this movie even though it would come out in theaters a few weeks later.

And I’m glad I did. “The Magnificent Seven” is just plain, loud, over-the-top fun. If you see the trailer, the movie is exactly what you think it’ll be like. A woman seeks frontier justice against the power-hungry coal baron who terrorizes her town and murdered her husband, and pays a bounty hunter (Denzel Washington, who looks like he was born to play a cowboy in this movie) to go after him. He recruits 6 more outlaws, killers, and warriors to aid him in his quest to protect the honest townsfolk from the evil businessman and his army. Whiskey is drunk, guns are drawn, banter is exchanged, and lots of people get shot and blown up. Antoine Fuqua (an expert in making solid genre flicks) keeps the movie paced well, gives the characters breathing space to flesh out a bit, and makes the action loud, exciting, and well-filmed. No shaky-cam bullshit here, just good, efficient filmmaking with lots of nice Western vistas.

The cast is strong, especially Washington and Chris Pratt (who I worried would be out of place but acquits himself well here), along with solid supporting players. The writing is nothing special, but gets the job done, although there are some unfortunate missed opportunities at character development and payoffs, especially when it comes to Ethan Hawke’s (fabulously named) Goodnight Robicheaux, a former Confederate sharpshooter who hung up his guns. Also, a minor issue, but the film severely overplays how effective a mid-19th century gatling gun is.

There’s nothing altogether remarkable about this remake from a quality standpoint, but in a year filled with failed reboots and sequels and unremarkable superhero films, a good, solid personality-filled Western shoot-em-up about a multicultural team of badasses teaming up against the evil establishment is more than a welcome breath of fresh air.

30. Everybody Wants Some!! - Richard Linklater’s spiritual sequel to “Dazed and Confused” feels very much like a Richard Linklater film. There’s not much plot; it’s just about a college freshman baseball player and his team’s escapades over the weekend before the semester starts in the fall of 1980, as they hang out, go party, try to get laid, and attend their first practice. There’s no real structure to this film. It’s meandering in typical Linklater fashion, where the movie is more about the characters, the setting, and the dialogue. If you don’t mind this sort of thing, “Everybody Wants Some!!” is a very enjoyable movie. The characters and performances are on point, the banter is entertaining, the music is great (used especially well during a scene where the characters drive around town singing “Rapper’s Delight”) and even when Linklater waxes philosophical as he sometimes tends to, it feels less pretentious and more like the characters being themselves. When they talk about life, man, they’re often drunk or high or sleep-deprived, which feels like a nice bit of self-awareness from Linklataer. It even gets a bit inspirational at times, as the themes of finding out your identity and place in life and making the most of your short time on this Earth hits home surprisingly well. Funny, charming, and likable in every way that “Boyhood” wasn’t, “Everybody Wants Some!!” marks a welcome return to form for Richard Linklater, which is amazing considering it didn’t even take TWELVE YEARS to make.

29. Love & Friendship – Not being a big fan of hoity-toity costume dramas and having never read any of Jane Austen’s work, I really didn’t think this Austen adaptation would appeal to me. However, following the initial 10-15 minutes where my brain adjusted to the Regency-era English, I found that I really enjoyed this film. It’s a comedy of manners centered on a widowed socialite (played by the never-better Kate Beckinsale), a cunning and manipulative woman who is well-known as the best flirt in London, and her attempts to get her daughter married to a wealthy suitor as she herself juggles those in her social circles. I found myself loving the barbed interplay between well-written characters. The cast is uniformly excellent, with a strong performance by Beckinsale and a show-stealing turn from Tom Bennett as a wealthy but utterly gormless suitor, the kind of man who keeps talking even when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and who is completely enchanted by the “tiny green balls” at dinner (peas). The whole movie is kind of plotless, with very little narrative drive and it feels like important character developments are often skimmed over (two characters have a pleasant conversation in one scene and are married like, 5 minutes later). The whole movie feels very light, albeit very watchable. Watch it for the excellent cast, the lovely sets and costumes, and for the genuinely hilarious writing, but don’t expect to be all that invested in what happens. The whole thing feels like a dinner party with much wittier and politer versions of your extended family, albeit just as catty and spiteful.

28. Captain America: Civil War - By now most people have acknowledged the problems with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While most are solid superhero flicks, they all feel kind of safe and sterile, films marked-tested to appeal to as large an audience as possible. While this leaves less room for error, it also limits how good they can become. If all you want is good actors wearing ridiculous costumes punching each other and destroy expensive CGI environments while mumbling groan-worthy quips, the MCU has got you covered. Those of us who want them to approach something like Raimi’s Spider-Man films or Nolan’s first two Batman films are often left wanting. Sometimes it has gotten better than the norm. The first half of “Captain America: The First Avenger” was excellent before it became kind of a rushed mess in the second. Shane Black’s “Iron Man 3” felt like the only genuinely auteur-driven film in the whole MCU (if only because so much of the humor is based on what Black and Downey Jr. accomplished in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”). “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” is still the high point of the MCU, a terrific and surprisingly character-driven action thriller that barely felt like a superhero flick. The point I’m laboriously trying to get to is that while “Civil War” for the most part takes itself seriously and actually approaches “Winter Soldier” levels of greatness, it can’t help but fall back on the lame, quippy, fanboy-masturbating sameness that has defined this cinematic universe since Joss Whedon first got involved with the franchise.

The plot is that a mysterious man frames Captain America’s friend Bucky for a terrorist attack, while Tony Stark feels guilty about collateral damage caused by the Avengers’ various battles and wants to sign some UN accord to make the Avengers government regulated, and tries to hunt Cap down when he goes rogue to try and protect Bucky. It’s pretty convoluted stuff if you’re not already caught up on the franchise, but not too difficult to follow. My main concern going into this film was that it’d be more of an “Avengers” film than a “Captain America” film. Cap’s films have a good track record, while the two Avengers movies are kinda crap. Thankfully, the heavy focus is on Cap and his efforts to protect Bucky from an increasingly hostile and angry Tony Stark. Despite what the marketing tries to say, the whole UN accord business feels minor at best, only there for a #WhoseSideAreYouOn hashtag to appease the autists who want their precious comic-book to be faithfully adapted. The story is surprisingly engaging, and while the aforementioned mysterious man is the real villain and does an effective job, the role of antagonist is actually filled really well by Iron Man. The characters are given enough room that pretty much everyone in the ensemble gets a moment to shine, the pacing is good, and (despite the Russo Brothers’ annoying use of shaky-cam and fast editing) the action scenes are solid and actually serve a purpose. It was almost a great “Captain America” film. And then Spider-Man shows up.

Spider-Man was added to this film halfway through filming due to Marvel striking a deal with Sony Pictures for the rights to the character, and his crowbarring into the movie is really obvious. There’s a whole half-hour of the movie that he’s in, where from introduction to the big punch-up at the airport to his exit, it feels like a completely different film, filled with the aforementioned light-hearted quippy humor that pretty much completely dissolves all tension, momentum, and conflict that movie had done a pretty good job building up to that point. It’s not bad in and of itself, but it feels like it suddenly became an “Avengers” movie, a big-budget re-enactment of a 10-year-old boy playing with his action figures. The only reason I don’t despise this part of the movie is because it at least has a few genuinely funny moments (most of them courtesy of Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man). The film recovers fairly well from this, and actually serves up a strong and pretty emotional climax that isn’t just wanton CGI destruction, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth, like I was bukkake’d by neo-nerd hipsters while sleeping and managed to clean myself off but the stains on my soul remained.

Look, I’ve said a bunch of negative (and some disgusting) things about this movie and the MCU in general, but “Civil War” is overall a good movie. The character work is strong, it’s occasionally funny, the cast is mostly terrific, and it’s definitely in the upper-echelon of this franchise. But the things that hold this series back (the sameness, the dull visuals, the lack of stakes, circlejerking, etc.) hold this movie back as well. Who knows? Once they’re done with this phase of the MCU, they can actually start to experiment and not just make the same kind of movie over and over, because let’s face it; people will come see these anyway. Hell, give me a She-Hulk movie directed by David Lynch, or a blaxploitation-style origin story about Nick Fury starring Michael Jai White, or a musical romantic-comedy about Squirrel Girl directed by George Miller. I don’t know. I’d rather see any of those than ANOTHER GODDAMN SPIDER-MAN REBOOT.

27. Train to Busan – Pretty much what you’d expect, plot and character-wise, from a zombie movie, but damned if South Korea doesn’t possess some of the finest film directors in the world, and Yeon Sang-Ho brings his A-game to revitalize an appropriately undead genre. Great cast, intense and creative set-pieces, and a nicely emotional focus on character. I’m not Korean, so I’m not sure if there’s any satire or message involved (the film does seem like a pretty accurate depiction of South Korea when StarCraft II servers go down). Somewhat dragged down by iffy CGI and the hair-pulling stupidity and dickheadedness of main human antagonist, who makes “The Walking Dead” Season 2-era Shane seem like a rational and believable fellow.

26. Fences – Little more than a filmed play, but a well-filmed one bolstered by good writing and knockout performances from Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. About 20 minutes too long.

25. Arrival - Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has been making quite the reputation for himself in recent years for his mature and well-crafted thrillers. While I find his movies just a touch overrated, I do admire a lot in them, from the technical craft to his ability to command strong performances out of all of his actors. This year’s “Arrival” continues that trend, marking his most mature film to date and one of the extremely rare mainstream hard science-fiction movies to come out these days. This is not a movie about laser battles and space explosions and sticking your tongue down the throats of hot human-looking alien babes (I’m excited for “Mass Effect: Andromeda”, alright?), but about communication.

Several banana-shaped alien spacecraft touch down at random points around the earth without any apparent motive or pattern, and countries around the globe bring experts together to try and communicate with them. The plot centers around linguistics professor Amy Adams, who is brought in by the military along with a physicist played by Jeremy Renner to head into the alien craft in America to try and set up communications with the aliens. It’s a neat perspective to see one of these alien contact movies from someone trying to understand them rather than fight them, and Amy Adams turns in another strong performance as a woman who is experiencing a personal crisis while being at the very center of a worldwide phenomenon. The rest of the cast is good too, but this is her movie to command, and she does so with ease.

While Villeneuve no longer has Roger Deakins as director of photography to rely on, he and his new DP Bradford Young make this a very strikingly beautiful movie, filled with bleak subdued colors but with an astonishing sense of scale. The scene where Amy Adams enters the alien craft for the first time is outstanding, with the camera work, lighting, and environment doing a genuinely amazing job conveying how…well, alien the ship feels. I also like the design of the aliens themselves (a sort-of cross between the facehuggers from “Alien” and the Reapers from “Mass Effect”), a refreshing change from the humanoid aliens you typically see in sci-fi.

The plot is surprisingly brainy, primarily concerned with the process of establishing of communication and later a very different perception of time and choice from how we typically perceive them. It’s not too difficult to wrap your head around this stuff, but you do have to pay attention, because this isn’t a movie that dumbs itself down or holds your hand.

As much as I admire and enjoyed the movie, I do have a criticism, and it’s that the whole thing feels…cold. I don’t just mean the color palette or the really strong air conditioning in the theater where I watched it. I mean emotionally cold. I’ve heard a lot of people praise how emotional the film is, but it didn’t really affect me all that much. Even the scenes with Amy Adams and her daughter, no matter how Malick-y they’re shot, felt mostly like salad dressing to try and make the audience connect with the main character. Even when you (no-spoiler) find out the plot significance of these scenes, I liked it much more on an intellectual level than on a gut-level. Also, and this part is hard to explain without spoilers, but there’s a love story that’s pretty crucial to the theoretical concepts later in the film that feels comically underdeveloped, like we’re supposed to believe these people fall in love despite working with each other for a few days and rarely talking about anything other than work (and because they’re attractive movie stars, of course). Plus, there are quite a few annoyingly clichéd characters, like the fear-mongering radio talk show host, the weary and no-nonsense military man, and a Chinese officer named General Shang who apparently rules the entire country of China without answering to anybody.

Despite these niggles, I still liked “Arrival” a lot. It attempts (and in my mind strongly succeeds) to present a realistic scenario of what alien contact would be like in today’s political and cultural climate, and again, it’s really refreshing to see a science-fiction film where science, communication and peace are used for conflict resolution as opposed to violence. It’s really ambitious on both a thematic level and a technical one (the special effects in this movie are some of the most seamless and believable I’ve ever seen), and even the problems I have with the writing don’t distract from Denis Villeneuve’s directorial talent. Here’s hoping he doesn’t screw up the new “Blade Runner”.

24. Shin Godzilla – Lacks the awe-inspiring visuals and sense of scale of Gareth Edwards’ “Godzilla” (which I forgive because this had like 1/10th the budget), but makes up for it with a richer story and sense of humanity. Whereas that film is about our powerlessness at the hands of giant monsters, this one is more about working together to overcome it. What begins as a bureaucratic farce eventually gives way to the Japanese government putting aside any squabbles and politics to focus on saving the lives of its citizens from a giant, rampaging lizard. It’s kind of inspiring to see a movie like this where a government tries to prevent destruction instead of causing it (with a not-so-subtle pisstake of the Americans, whose contribution to the efforts amounts to little more than bombing and almost nuking Tokyo). Plus, Godzilla himself is awesome here, looking and acting like a genuine monster, and pulled off with a nice mix of practical and digital effects (other than his initial form where he looks like a retarded CGI iguana with googly eyes). Kickass soundtrack, as well.

23. War on Everyone – “I’ve always wondered; if you hit a mime (with a car), does he make a sound?” Michael Peña’s character wonders out loud at the start of the movie, right before he and his partner (and driver) find out. Within one minute of the movie, you already know if it’s for you or not. “War on Everyone” is about two cops (Peña and Alexander Skarsgård) who are as corrupt as they come. They regularly blackmail and beat up suspects, take bribes, and drink on the job. They never really try to justify this behavior. Their attitude can be best summed up by a line Skarsgård says before getting into the driver’s seat of a car while piss-drunk; “Let’s go fuck some scumbags.” There’s some plot about their investigation into a robbery/murder orchestrated by the guy from those shitty “Divergent” movies who looks like discount-Toby Kebbell, but the plot feels like an afterthought. It’s more so about the two characters and their antics and their musings on life, greatly enlivened by the excellent performances and chemistry of the two leads, as well as the cracking, pitch-black funny script from writer/director John Michael McDonagh (who also made the fantastic Irish gems “Calvary” and “The Guard”). This feels like if McDonagh made a Shane Black film. It’s not a powerful meditation on faith and morality like “Calvary” and it’s not a great character-study like “The Guard”, but “War on Everyone” shows that even a lower-tier McDonagh film is still as hilarious and biting as they come, and it even comes with a bit of heart and soul. Still, definitely not recommended to the easily-offended. It feels kind of pointless, but I could listen to McDonagh characters talk shit to each other all day.

22. 10 Cloverfield Lane - I will try to be as spoiler-free as possible in this review. Honestly, if you STILL haven’t seen it and want to, just go watch it and know that it definitely comes recommended.

I’ll admit it; even though I wasn’t a huge fan of the shaky-cam monster-athon that was “Cloverfield”, the mysterious and vague trailer for “10 Cloverfield Lane” got me properly hyped up as I tried to figure out the connection between the two movies. In an unusual twist, most of the movie is only tangentially a work of science-fiction. The plot is about a young woman named Michelle who runs away from home as some vague disaster occurs. She’s knocked out, and wakes up in an underground survival shelter run by a paranoid survivalist named Howard, along with a young guy named Emmett. Howard says that there has been a massive attack, but Michelle is skeptical and is unsure if Howard is trustworthy or crazy.

The bulk of the film is in the bunker, as the trio try to cope with the various realities of living in a survival shelter, including each other. This entire section is excellent. Deftly alternating between lighthearted bonding, uncomfortable comedy, and pressure-cooker intensity, debut director Dan Trachtenberg shows he is an expert when it comes to tone, pacing, and atmosphere, further enlivened by Bear McCreary’s terrific score. Even better is the main trio of actors, all of whom play off of each other well and really flesh out their characters. The guy who plays Emmett displays a dopey likability that suits the character well, while Mary Elizabeth Winstead makes Michelle much more intelligent, tough and compelling than your average "horror" protagonist (I use that term broadly). Powerfully commanding the whole movie is John Goodman, who easily makes Howard sympathetic at times and genuinely terrifying at others. This is a brilliantly batshit performance by one of our very best character actors, and even if the rest of the production wasn’t up to par (which it definitely is), he alone would make this film worth watching.

The reason this movie isn’t higher on my list is because of the last 10-or-so minutes. Without going into detail (and the trailer gives this away anyway), Michelle leaves the bunker by the end. It’s like the entire film gets wrapped up and ends satisfyingly, but then it goes on for another 10 minutes that feels like a completely different movie with a whiplash-inducing change in tone. It’s all still skillfully made and well-acted, but the effect just feels bizarre if you’re watching it for the first time. At first I thought the sequence was there to connect it to the first “Cloverfield” and make it a semi-sequel, but it’s too vague for me to buy it.

Maybe it is all some continuous “Cloverfield” universe, or better yet, it’s an anthology film series in the vain of “The Twilight Zone” or “Black Mirror”, one where talented up-and-coming directors make unique sci-fi thrillers. If that’s the case, it’s best not to read too much into the ending, and to just try and accept the movie as a standalone despite the jarring tonal shift at the end. One thing I actually quite liked about the ending is that it satisfyingly concludes Michelle’s character arc, making her a surprisingly well-developed protagonist that has actually grown by the end. Maybe if I watch this again (and I do plan to), I’ll like it more and probably give it a higher spot on the list, but even on a first impression, “10 Cloverfield Lane” is an engaging and balls-tighteningly tense thriller with a top-notch cast and production working at the top of their game. John Goodman is so good, man.

21. London Has Fallen – Holy hell, where do I even begin? Rare is the movie where I honestly cannot tell if it’s trying to be a comedy or not. It has a serious post-9/11 depiction of terrorism, but it treats all the bad guys like cannon fodder to be disposed of in spectacular ways. It has some lines about the consequences of U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East, but these lines are throwaway at best and never brought up again. It tries to somewhat humanize its villains, but it also has Gerard Butler executing a wheel-chair bound terrorist before going on a tirade about how they’ll never win and that America will still be standing in a thousand years (not sure if the Third Reich comparison is intentional).

The action scenes are competently shot/staged, if unremarkable (despite a fun CGI-assisted long-take shootout). The script feels like it was either written in a weekend or improvised on the spot by Butler and company. In fact, I feel like this wasn’t originally written as a sequel to “Olympus Has Fallen”. None of the previous movie’s events are referenced, and all the recurring cast members (save for Butler and Aaron Eckhart) feel like glorified crowbarred-in cameos. It’s absurd to have a White House cabinet of Oscar winners/nominees and give them all a collective 5 minutes of screen-time. I’m pretty sure Oscar-winner Melissa Leo doesn’t even have any lines. I’m sure the paycheck was nice, at least. The first 15 minutes or so are fairly boring, even if things pick up considerably afterwards.

The one indisputable quality this movie has is Gerard Butler. Butler gives a genuinely jaw-dropping performance as bloodthirsty and very likely insane Secret Service agent Mike Banning (our hero, naturally). Mike Banning is the type of guy who reacts to getting shot in the shoulder and the birth of his child with roughly the same facial expression. Mike Banning is the type of guy who despite being very proficient with and usually having convenient access to firearms, frequently elects to brutally stab the bad guys numerous times with a combat knife. (“Was that really necessary?” President Aaron Eckhart asks after Banning slowly stabs a terrorist in the ribs to death while making his brother listen via walkie-talkie. “No”, Banning bluntly admits.) Even from the peaceful initial scenes of him accompanying the President on a jog or talking to his wife, you can tell something is very off about him. We as the audience are of course expecting/awaiting shit to hit the fan, but Butler is nearly trembling with anticipation to start murdering terrorists during these scenes. Butler makes almost every bit of dialogue sound like a badass one-liner, on one occasion offering the President a glass of water while saying “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty as fuck”, spewing the word “fuck” out of the side of his mouth like a shotgun blast. Even on the off-chance that the movie isn’t taking the piss, Butler most definitely is. I’m not being ironic when I say that this is one of the great comic performances of our time, and the success of the movie (for me) is due to the movie being centered around Butler and his hilariously absurd machoism.

The director of this movie is an Iranian who escaped his war-torn home to Sweden as a boy. This, coupled with Butler’s performance, Butler and Eckhart’s borderline-homoerotic bromance, the ridiculous one-liners and speeches, and an indefensibly heroic portrayal of drone-warfare, makes me feel like “London Has Fallen” is really one big satire of U.S. foreign policy subtly disguised as a stupid, offensive action movie, something conservative idiots will applaud, liberal idiots will condemn, and fun, smart, attractive people will appreciate and enjoy for what it is. I saw this and “Gods of Egypt” with a few friends as a sort of once-in-a-lifetime Gerard Butler double-feature, and I had a grand time.

I felt like I could smell this movie, and I like that. Watching “London Has Fallen” is like sex; You wouldn’t want someone walking in on you during, and you’ll probably want to take a shower afterwards, but once you get past the initial foreplay, it’s a great time from start to raucous, bloody finish.

Wow, that metaphor got gross in a hurry.

20. The Witch – I put off watching “The Witch” because every time in the past few years that people heralded the newest “great, modern horror film” (It Follows, The Babadook, etc.), I found them to be massively overrated and even a bit disappointing, even despite their good qualities. After finally seeing it, I can safely say that it’s definitely one of the best horror films in years (which isn’t saying much, but still).

The story is of an early 17th century Puritan family who get exiled from their village and set up a farm in an isolated area near the woods. Strange supernatural things start happening to them, and the movie becomes the gradual degradation of their mental states, as they start to blame and fight amongst each other, not unlike my beloved “The Thing”.

This is a very atmospheric, slow-burning kind of horror. The emphasis is on creeping dread rather than murdering attractive 20-something teenagers. For a first-time filmmaker, director Robert Eggers shows an excellent grasp of pacing, tone, and visual storytelling. Once you get used to the historical Ye Olde English manner in which the characters speak (subtitles are recommended), the writing is surprisingly quite good, with well-defined characters with clear conflicts and motivations. The acting ensemble is terrific. The whole movie is pretty much just two parents, a teenage daughter, an adolescent boy, and two young children, and they are all fantastic. Seriously, as someone who despises children (both in real life and in film), this is some of the best child-acting I’ve ever seen.

My problem with the movie is that (and this is kind of a spoiler, but it happens early in the film) I was hoping that it wouldn’t be clear whether or not the supernatural stuff is actually happening, or if the family is just losing their minds because of some clever metaphor or allegory. But no, it’s revealed pretty early on that it is actually supernatural stuff, which takes away some of the surprise and the suspense. The music is the kind of discordant “unnerving” string-heavy stuff you’d expect in a horror movie, and I often felt that silence would be much more effective during the scenes it’s used in.  Also, without giving away anything, the ending is pretty silly. It wraps up the story and the character arc of the lead character (the teenage daughter), but the manner in which it does it felt kind of over-the-top. You know what, though? I honestly thought we would get some shitty, cop-out, cut-to-black ending 5 minutes earlier, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll take a retarded ending over a non-ending any day of the week.

“The Witch” is a horror movie for those who don’t like horror movies, and one that treats its audience with intelligence and respect, and (the last few minutes notwithstanding) is actually satisfying and builds well to its climax. As someone who doesn’t care much for horror movies, I would say that “The Witch” lives up to the hype, and is well-worth checking out. Also, best (and surprisingly similar) use of a goat since Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me to Hell”.

19. Nocturnal Animals – A problem a lot of movies have for me in particular is when they’re tonally or stylistically inconsistent, feeling like two separate movies at odds with each other. Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals” is a rare example of a movie with strikingly different stories complementing each other and actually improving the end product. The film is about a LA art exhibitor played by Amy Adams, who has an unhappy personal life despite her successful professional life. One day, her long-estranged ex-husband sends her a copy of his upcoming novel, a violent thriller about a family man terrorized by hillbillies in West Texas. The movie cuts between the novel’s story, Adams’ current life, and her past relationship with the ex-husband.

Tom Ford showed with his debut “A Serious Man” that he was great at filming and telling a story about people in rich houses being sad, as he does here, but also displays an uncanny talent at filming a gritty desert-set revenge tale. The parallels between the real life story and the novel are very finely drawn, and while I found the novel sections much more gripping than the Amy Adams story, the seemingly-disparate styles and tones never clash and instead fit really well with each other, creating a movie that is more than the sum of its parts. For a fashion designer, it’s surprising how good of a writer and director Tom Ford is, and he shows that “A Single Man” wasn’t just beginner’s luck.

Also helping the movie is the fantastic cast. Jake Gyllenhaal gives one of his best performances as both the ex-husband and the protagonist of the novel story, and Amy Adams shows incredible nuance and subtlety, reminding us why she is one of the best actresses working today. Michael Shannon steals the show for me (yes, I love him and I’m biased, shut up) as a shady detective in the novel’s story. All the supporting players are great as well, even if their roles aren’t as meaty.

My main complaints are that the dialogue is sometimes silly, some of the supporting characters are pretty one-dimensional and cartoonish (Amy Adam’s current-day husband played by Armie Hammer is a distant businessman who has to go away to New York to “make that very important sale”), and that the editing is a little wonky and overdone at some minor points. I initially had mixed-feelings about the ending, feeling that it was a bit anticlimactic and expected more to happen, but after thinking about it and how it ties to the movie’s themes and character relationships, I like it a lot more in retrospect. Unlike the movie, I can’t think of a good way to wrap this review up, but I’ll say that “Nocturnal Animals” is engaging, unique, and worth checking out, so let’s move on.

18. The Wailing – Its imposing length and frustrating lack of resolution/clarity can be hard to overcome for some people, but this South Korean supernatural horror flick is (in terms of acting, writing, directing, pacing, editing, themes, and just plain scariness and dread) the best and most effective horror film in quite a while. Like a bloodier and more emotionally tormenting version of “The Witch”.

17. La La Land – Before some of you call for my beheading for placing “La La Land” this “low” on my list, let me begin by saying that I still enjoyed the damn thing. From a purely technical perspective, “La La Land” is hands-down one of the best films of the year. Damien Chazelle’s immaculate direction perfectly captures the nostalgic sense one gets from watching old Hollywood musicals. This, coupled with terrific musical numbers and game actors makes “La La Land” an easy movie to enjoy. The story, however, is where the movie is a bit shaky.

The plot is about a down-on-their-luck aspiring actress and jazz pianist who fall in love while pursuing their dreams, and struggle to deal with the reality of keeping their relationship together while their paths go in different directions. The movie goes for a contrast between a magical, cheery Hollywood musical and a more grounded, dramatic approach, but for most of the movie it doesn’t quite gel as well as one would hope. I loved the first half of the movie, where it’s an extravagant musical about aspiring artists, but halfway through, it kind of jarringly becomes a relationship drama, with hardly any musical numbers, and this part seriously drags. It’s only near the end where Emma Stone sings her big “Give me an Oscar, goddammit” number that I even remembered this movie was supposed to be a musical. It’s like the movie takes two different approaches to its material, whereas one middle-ground approach (keep the big musical bits throughout but make them gradually more dramatic) would have made the movie a lot better, in my opinion. It doesn’t help that the two lead characters just aren’t very interesting. Don’t get me wrong; Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling try their damnedest here, but it feels more like two likable actors playing parts instead of real people with flaws and humanity, a feeling exacerbated by them not even having that good a chemistry.

If you can put up with an uneven viewing experience long enough, the film rewards you with one of the best endings I’ve seen in years, one where the themes, motivations, and songs are meshed together in a perfectly bittersweet sequence that actually makes up for a lot of the film’s flaws, and the one point in the film where the aforementioned contrast between fantasy and reality is perfectly in sync with the filmmaking style. It’s here where it stops being a movie about struggling artists and becomes something grander; a film about following your dreams but realizing that life never really works out the way you intend. This and the opening single-take number are ones for the ages, and make the film worth watching all by themselves. To put it in a one-sentence review, “La La Land” is still a case of a movie musical being really good in the first half but fizzling out in the second (something which happened in every one I’ve ever seen besides the “South Park” movie), but at least it recovers well enough to leave a positive impression.

16. The Shallows – I’m as surprised as you that this “hot-girl-gets-attacked-by-shark” film is this high up on my list, but here we are. Blake Lively plays said hot girl, a medical student who travels to an isolated beach in Mexico as a sort of spiritual journey/tribute to her deceased mother, and before long gets shark’d and stranded a few hundred feet from shore on some rocks during low-tide. I thought this would be the sort of cheeky, “Piranha 3D”-esque exploitation flick, but “The Shallows” actually has enough confidence to take itself fairly seriously. The main character has intelligence and some depth and even an arc (as obvious as it may be), and she’s buoyed by Lively’s terrific and believable performance. The shark is intimidating and scary, even when it’s not onscreen. The film has a good sense of progression, gradually escalating the threat level before arriving at the admittedly over-the-top but highly entertaining finale. It has a scene of the main character performing surgery on herself, which for some morbid reason I’ve always enjoyed seeing in movies and shows. And to top it all off, there’s a seagull that befriends the main character as she’s stranded, played by an actual trained seagull whose reactions (and lack thereof) are hilarious and his role in the plot surprisingly affecting. This seems like a stupid thing to harp on about, but if there was an Oscar for Best Performance by an Animal, Sully the Seagull’s performance as Steven Seagull would easily take home the prize.

There are a few issues, like how the main character tends to speak too much to herself (i.e. the audience) about her situation, and while I didn’t hate the very end of the movie, I do wish the film had ended a minute or two earlier right when it had a perfect moment to do so, instead of going on with an epilogue. However, given the expectations I had going in, director Jaume Collet-Serra uses Blake Lively’s good looks and strong acting ability, the beautiful camerawork and setting, his storytelling skills, and an adorable seagull to blow those expectations completely out of the water (har-har).

15. The Handmaiden – Gorgeously filmed, lurid, and thoroughly entertaining Korean erotic thriller with strong performances, writing, and a wonderfully dark sense of humor (an attempted hanging scene yielded one of the year’s biggest laughs for me). Strikes a good balance between artful grace and trashy pulp.

14. Silence – Of the 2016 films in which an accented and deeply religious Andrew Garfield has his faith tested by horrific violence committed by the Japanese, I like “Hacksaw Ridge” more, but this is still a powerful and deeply personal look at faith from Martin Scorsese. A challenging movie, but rewarding if you put in the effort to understand it thematically. A bit overlong and repetitive in the middle portion (though this is probably intentional), and I feel like the movie would be better if Garfield and Adam Driver switched roles, but from the moment Liam Neeson comes back into the movie, it’s outstanding to the end.

13. The Dressmaker – In the early ‘50s, a bus rolls into a tiny, rural Australian town that looks like something out of a Western. Out steps Kate Winslet, accompanied by a Morricone-esque guitar and violin, immaculately dressed and carrying a sewing machine in her case, who proceeds to light up a cigarette and say “I’m back, you bastards.”

Two minutes in and you already know you’re in for a fun movie. Winslet plays a dressmaker who returns to her hometown after being banished as a child to care for her cantankerous mother (Judy Davis), and before long, dredges up a lot of bad blood among the townsfolk that hurt and humiliated her years ago. To say any more would be to spoil the wonderful weirdness that emanates from this film. “The Dressmaker” blends family melodrama, Western, comedy that ranges from the dark to the surreal to the slapstick, campiness, tragedy, romance, and revenge. It’s a mess, sure, but it struts along with such confidence in itself and its source material that all these seemingly disparate elements miraculously work together, for the most part. It helps that Winslet and Davis are so excellent that they deftly maneuver through all these tones and keep you engaged in what’s happening. It’s tough to say what kind of person I’d recommend this to, but I’ll say this; If you’ve always wanted an Australian Western version of “Twin Peaks” where the protagonist is a female couturier instead of a male gunslinger, then “The Dressmaker” will quench that extremely particular thirst.

A note on why I consider Kate Winslet to be one the best actors in the business: SHE IS A FOREIGN ACTOR THAT NAILS A PERFECT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

12. 20th Century Women – Mike Mills somewhat tones down the quirkiness from “Beginners”, but still delivers a personal, heartfelt, and funny portrayal of humanity, here subverting the typical coming-of-age story of his teenage boy self-insert protagonist by focusing the film on the women in his life and how their feminist strength and independence help shape him as he grows up. Fantastic performances from Annette Bening and Greta “Love of my Life” Gerwig.

11. Moana – Beautiful visuals, wonderful music, top-notch voice acting, and a compelling and even touching story. I was pleasantly surprised by how long the movie took to set up the characters and their relationships and individual personalities before diving into the adventure. Even the stuff I normally find annoying in Disney movies (needless action scenes, cute animal sidekicks, hip modern references) are toned down here. Maui (voiced by The Rock, who has more charisma than the ocean has water, and a nice singing voice to boot) is extremely entertaining, but Moana is surprisingly a compelling character herself, someone who has aspirations and flaws and a sense of agency, as opposed to the usual dull Disney heroines who unwillingly fall into their fate before falling in love with Prince Flawless McGeneric. Great, empowering message (especially for young girls) about forging your own path in life. A million bonus points for not giving Moana a forced love interest. Another million points for Jemaine Clement as a giant, singing crab. Best animated film of 2016 by a wide margin. Disney’s best non-Pixar movie since “Lilo & Stitch”. Probably my favorite Disney Princess movie. I don’t care what anyone says; “Moana” was fucking lit.

10. Eddie the Eagle – One thing I’ve noticed about myself lately is how sick I am of “irony”. Not in the dramatic sense, but in the “replacing sincerity and any genuine feeling with some detached sense of humor” sense. I think it was the inexplicable but somehow expected rise in popularity of a meme involving a dead gorilla that did it for me. But my point is, lately I’ve been finding myself watching movies otherwise labeled as “corny” or “cheesy” by jaded, cynical and emotionally detached people, who do so just because said movies believe in their own stories without shame or self-referential humor. Well, fuck those people. They can rot in hell along with their precious gorilla.

“Eddie the Eagle” is about Michael “Eddie” Edwards, a British skier who despite having very little experience and natural talent managed through sheer determination and willpower to accomplish his dream of competing in the 1988 Winter Olympics. Eddie comes from a working class family with a loving, supportive mother and a stern, disapproving father. Despite being a talented skier, he is rejected by Olympic board members due to his uncouth and dopey nature. He realizes that he still has a chance of making it onto the Olympic team as a ski-jumper, since the British have not competed in the sport in several decades, so he runs away to Europe to start training, where he meets an alcoholic former ski-jumper-turned-snow-groomer that helps him train.

This film has pretty much every inspirational sports cliché imaginable, from the plucky loser underdog, to the grumpy mentor, to the uplifting synthesizer music, to the late moments where the protagonist is at his lowest point and wants to give up, and so on. In many cases these would be negatives. However, the movie embraces these clichés instead of trying to shy away from them, and in doing so it feels so sincere and full of heart that it actually works. You acknowledge the unoriginality, but you find yourself rooting for Eddie to succeed so much that you just don’t care. Dexter Fletcher’s direction is spirited and full of energy, the aforementioned synth music by Matthew Margeson is wonderful, and the two lead performances by Taron Egerton as Eddie and Hugh Jackman as his mentor are excellent. The movie isn’t all that historically accurate. The real Eddie Edwards himself said that “only about 5%” of the film is true, and even the tagline is “Inspired by a dream come true”, rather than “Based on a true story”. But as a Huffington Post critic said, “You can't believe most of it, but you can believe in it. That's a subtle but important difference.”

But do you want to know why this movie is so high up on my list? So many movies over the years have been praised as “emotional” and “tear-jerking” and to me ended up feeling manipulative and artificial (*cough*Room*cough*). “Eddie the Eagle”, however, with all its sincerity and heart and feel-good splendor, touched me so much that I actually cried at the end. I can count the movies that made me genuinely cry on one hand, and this is the only one that has ever made me cry tears of joy instead of sadness. If the ending scene at the airport doesn’t melt your heart, then congratulations on not having one.

9. Hunt for the Wilderpeople - Due to my continual disappointment in my usual preferred genres of film in 2016, I started to branch out a bit and check out films I otherwise normally wouldn’t, one of which is New Zealand coming-of-age comedy drama “Hunt for the Wilderpeople”. The plot is about a young juvenile delinquent boy and his grumpy foster father who, due to odd circumstances, find themselves hunted by the law and escape to “the bush”, the vast New Zealand forests. We follow them as the two survive, get into various misadventures, and face off with an obsessed child services worker. To reveal any more would be to spoil this wonderful movie. Suffice it to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. Rarely do you encounter a movie that does adventure, buddy comedy, or tragic drama this well, let alone one that does all three, while at the same time showing interesting aspects of Kiwi culture and the beautiful landscape without feeling like a travelogue. The boy (Julian Dennison) starts off as annoying, but this is intentional rather than the fault of bad acting, and he not only grows on you but also shows a good deal of comic timing and emotional range. Sam Neill as the grumpy foster dad gives a career-best performance, showing the kind of depth I didn’t expect from someone who I think I’ve only ever seen in the “Jurassic Park” movies. Honestly, I recommend this film to pretty much anyone (that has access to subtitles). It’s funny, touching, creative, and lovely to look at. Between this and “What We Do in the Shadows”, writer/director Taika Waititi has given me just the slightest bit of hope that “Thor: Ragnarok” will actually be good.

8. Paterson – Wonderfully understated, warm, and compassionate ode to the passion and creativity found in everyday life, making even the smallest mundanities feel profound and moving. No story arc or big dramatic moments to speak of; just the story of a quiet but observant bus driver/poet and his seemingly unremarkable but, well, poetic life. The relationship between Adam Driver and his wife (Golshifteh Farahani) is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in a movie. Also; casting Adam Driver as a bus driver? Bravo, Jim Jarmusch.

7. The Nice Guys – I can’t believe I used to not care for Ryan Gosling. Granted, for the longest time the only movie I’d seen him in was “Drive”, and it’s hard to take someone seriously as an actor when all the role asks of someone is to stare silently for uncomfortably long periods and occasionally hit people. But nonetheless, in recent years the guy has done phenomenal work and completely won me over as an actor, culminating in Shane Black’s “The Nice Guys”, where he gives his best performance to date. He is shockingly funny and provides not only a lot of the laughs in this movie, but also a good deal of its heart. He’s gotten a lot of awards attention for his role in “La La Land”, but to me this is the highlight of his career so far.

Gosling plays an alcoholic, bumbling private detective and single father who teams up with the low-rent enforcer who broke his arm (Russell Crowe) to crack a major conspiracy involving a missing girl and a dead porn star. Tagging along for much of the mystery is Gosling’s teenage daughter, played by Angourie Rice in one of the best child performances I’ve ever seen in a movie (damning with faint praise, but still, give her credit), easily holding her own in scenes with Gosling and Crowe, despite a few awkward line deliveries. The three leads are great and have excellent chemistry with each other and with the strong supporting cast, helped along by Black’s hilarious dialogue, irreverent sense of humor, and his continuing growth as a director. I already harped on this in previous reviews, but it’s really refreshing to see a comedy that actually sets its jokes up before giving them a good payoff, especially one where some setups aren’t initially obvious (a seemingly throwaway story about Richard Nixon ended up giving me one of the biggest laughs of the year later on).

There’s kind of a lack of urgency to the mystery that makes the pacing a bit lethargic. I didn’t mind it much because the characters are so likable that you don’t mind spending time with them, but it’s worth mentioning. While there’s some character conflict and growth, I wish it tied into the plot a bit more. The lack of a clear antagonist for the first half of the movie also hurts. There are a lot of jokes and visual gags, and while most work, a few do fall flat. I feel like an extra rewrite and some tighter editing could fix most of these problems, and none of them are by any means a deal-breaker.

It feels weird to call this film “original”, since it’s more or less the same film Shane Black’s been making for the past 30 years, but in an increasingly bland world of mainstream filmmaking, it’s so refreshing to see a unique voice like Black do his own thing with a great cast and a solid budget. It’s a damn shame that a film which should’ve led to some sequels instead just barely made its’ production budget back. Put it another way; if you complain about a lack of originality in Hollywood but still paid money to see the latest superhero flick instead of “The Nice Guys”, please dip your head into a bucket of wet cement until the bubbles stop.

6. Hacksaw Ridge – I’m willing to go on record and say that “Hacksaw Ridge” is probably the most violent movie I’ve ever seen (at least the most violent since the last Mel Gibson movie). Considering this, only Mad Mel can make such an insanely violent film while also telling a moving story about one man’s faith and adherence to pacifism. The story is about Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector and pacifist who wanted to serve his country as a combat medic, and whose extraordinary rescue of over 70 soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa became the stuff of legend and earned him a Medal of Honor.

The movie has kind of a typical biopic structure, showing his early years as a troublesome lad who finds meaning in life with Christianity, to his young adult days where he tries to romance his impossibly attractive later-wife, before moving to the boot camp scenes where he’s persecuted by others for his refusal to pick up a gun, and finally to the war scenes. The transition between corny but solid, old-fashioned melodrama (or MEL-odrama) and the incredible, surreal, horrific war stuff may sound jarring, but in a very smart move, Gibson opens the film with a slow-motion montage of combat with a narration from Doss. This seems kind of clichéd, but it sets your mind up to expect the stuff you’ll see later, while at the same time taking away none of the impact.

Contrary to what some may think about the film and of Gibson going in, it’s not one of those shitty “Christians are good, others suck” films that do remarkably well in the southern states. The subject of the film is deeply religious and the film has its fair share of unsubtle Christ-like imagery, sure, but not only does it not beat you over the head with it, it even feels earned after seeing what Doss is put through. Plus, if anything, it’s less about the strength of faith and more about sticking to your convictions even when the whole world tests you. Plus, it’s refreshing for a war movie to heroically portray a man who saved lives instead of taking them.

Despite being away from the director’s chair for a decade, Gibson has lost none of his storytelling prowess or his penchant for striking imagery. The period and technical detail is fantastic (during one scene where you see through the scope of a Japanese sniper rifle, the film even got the scope right). Despite having to fill the late, great James Horner’s (who couldn’t do the film due to his unfortunate death in 2015) shoes, Rupert Gregson-Williams surprisingly turns in one of the strongest musical scores of the year. The mostly-Australian cast is excellent, with Andrew Garfield giving a career-best performance as Doss (at this point, I forgive him for “The Amazing Spiderman 2”), as well as strong supporting turns from Vince Vaughn as the funny/tough drill sergeant, and especially from Hugo Weaving as Doss’s PTSD-ridden WWI veteran father. Weaving genuinely looks like a man who died in the trenches in France but whose body still returned home, turning to booze and anger to make him forget the trauma he experienced.

I would say that Hacksaw Ridge has all the makings of a great film but is slightly held back by some story choices. The film kind of ends shortly after Doss’s heroic exploits with some standard biopic text and interviews from his real-life former comrades. It’s fine, but I think it would have had more impact to first show Doss returning home and reuniting with his wife and family, considering how prominent the theme of family was in the film. Also, there is one scene late in the movie involving Japanese officers, which I won’t spoil, but it feels forced and EXTREMELY unnecessary (I guess Gibson just has a thing for beheadings).

Still, considering how good this film is overall and how well it’s being received, I’m happy to report that Mel Gibson is no longer persona non-grata in Hollywood, and that I absolutely look forward to whatever he’s making next. Welcome back, Mel. We missed you.

Note: Something I thought of after watching “Hacksaw Ridge”; Mel Gibson could totally direct a “Mad Max” film.

5. Hell or High Water - On an early Texas morning, a two men rob a pair of branches of the Texas Midlands Bank. While not without a few hiccups, the robberies go smoothly. The two men are siblings; calm and smart divorced father Toby (Chris Pine), and his loose-cannon ex-con brother Tanner (Ben Foster). They are trying to raise enough money to save their family farm by paying off the foreclosing bank with its own stolen money, while being hunted down by Texas Rangers Marcus and Alberto (Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham), the former close to retirement. There are still a number of branches they need to rob in order to raise the needed amount. What ensues is one of the most mature and intelligent thrillers I’ve seen in a long time.

There is no black or white. Just two sides of the law. We understand both sides, and the motivation of each man. While the robbery scenes are thrilling and gritty, the movie actually shows a tremendous level of restraint. The pacing is deliberately slow, but the film is so well-made and well-written and so confident in itself that it never becomes boring, and it builds exceptionally well to its grip-you-by-the-balls climax. The movie spends a lot of time with the characters talking, with dialogue that feels both realistic and entertaining. The extremely underrated TV show "Justified" has instilled in me a joy in hearing Southern people talk shit to each other, and the movie doesn't let me down in that regard. The rural, neo-Western setting is wonderfully atmospheric and does a good job conveying how tough life can be in such a place (with a noteworthy supporting performance from Katy Mixon as a waitress who refuses to give back a large tip of stolen money to the Rangers).

Even though his character is pretty much a less alcoholic and more down-to-earth version of his Rooster Cogburn from the Coens’ “True Grit”, Bridges still impresses with a soulful and highly entertaining performance. Similarly, while Ben Foster feels a bit typecast as the “wild man” brother, he still knocks it out of the park with his confidence and screen presence. The biggest surprise is Chris Pine, tuning down his smirky charm and turning in his best performance to date as a man whose cool-headedness masks his desperation.

If I had to think of a flaw, it's that the film has a slightly-annoying over-reliance on licensed country songs in the first half of the movie...really, that's all I can think of. The slow pacing might be a turnoff for some people (some extremely thick people who very likely have ADHD and are virgins), but it pays off so well that I can't even consider it a problem for anyone with a three-digit IQ. If you are tired of action movies or thrillers being dumb, this is the movie for you. If you are tired of smart movies being dull, this is the movie for you. "Hell or High Water" is a diamond in the rough that is 2016, and deserves your attention.

4. Elle – I saw this movie solely because Paul Verhoeven directed a sizable portion of my childhood (Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers), and he has enough goodwill based on that alone that I’ll check out anything he makes. While his European films are noticeably different from his American action classics, one thing that hasn’t faltered is his skill as a director and unique voice in telling provocative stories. “Elle” certainly has one hell of an opening. A wealthy middle-aged woman named Michèle is attacked and raped in her home in France. After the intruder leaves, Michèle calmly collects herself, cleans herself and her home, and goes to work the next day as if nothing is wrong. The rest of the movie is about her conducting her own investigation into finding out who attacked her as we learn about her feelings and why she doesn’t notify the police, as well as her complicated relationships with her friends, neighbors and family.

I can definitely see a lot of people getting offended by this movie’s depiction of rape and its consequences on the main character, but considering how complex and unpredictable human beings can be, this is one of the most bracing, raw and honest depictions of the subject I’ve ever seen. Put it simply, this isn’t your typical rape-revenge film. The excellent writing and Verhoeven’s strong command of the material and his cast elevates it beyond what I thought possible. The characters are very well-defined, with all their own quirks and needs and insecurities, and despite how uncomfortable the film can be, it’s also surprisingly very funny in how it presents them and their relationships with each other, especially during a fantastic Christmas dinner scene where all the characters and their animosities come together. There is a lot of gossiping, resentment, passive-aggressiveness and cuckoldry on display (it’s a French movie, so no surprise there). The film is certainly lurid, but everything from the story and performances to the themes and subtext is done so well that you can’t stop watching. At no moment during its two-and-a-half-hour running time was I bored.

“Elle” is a film I wouldn’t recommend to everyone due to its’ length and subject matter, but thanks to the strong writing, Paul Verhoeven’s confident direction, and a stunning lead performance from Isabelle Huppert, this a bold, gripping, and surprisingly entertaining film that is absolutely worth going out of your way to see if you can stomach it. Plus, there’s a really cute cat.

With that out of the way; please come back to America and make another gory, over-the-top action film, Mr. Verhoeven. Hollywood needs you more than you need it.

3. Sing Street – An Irish lad from a broken home in 1985 Dublin gets transferred to a rough, inner-city school. Soon he meets a mysterious girl hanging around outside the school, and in an effort to impress her, asks her to be a model in a music video for his non-existent band.

What follows is a coming-of-age story about artistic expression and love where the boy gathers anyone that can play an instrument (including the funniest part of the movie where they try to recruit “probably the only black guy in Dublin”), starts making music and videos, and slowly starts bonding with the girl. It’s tough to make a movie set in 20th century Ireland feel optimistic, but writer/director John Carney deftly maneuvers between comedy and drama, makes the film simultaneously fantastic yet grounded, making the story of falling in love and following one’s dreams feel believable and easy to root for.

From the tagline “Boy meets girl. Girl unimpressed. Boy starts band”, you can probably guess the general progression of the plot. This, coupled with the fact that I don’t like coming-of-age stories, or musicals, or Irish people*, means that this film was facing an uphill battle from me. Imagine how goddamn good this film must be that it’s number 3 on my list this year. A cynic would say that it doesn’t face much competition from an unremarkable year for film like 2016, but “Sing Street” is a wonderful ode to the power of music and young love that would be great in any year, and I defy you to watch it without a smile on your face. Basically, if you possess a heart, a soul, a dream, a love for music, or a pulse, I cannot recommend “Sing Street” enough.

*kidding. I love you, you pale, swear-y, chip-shop bombing drunkards.

2. Star Trek Beyond – After a strong start to a reboot of the storied franchise with 2009’s “Star Trek”, the series took a nosedive with “Star Trek Into Darkness”, the woefully misguided attempt to make the series dark and gritty. Because of this and the new director being Justin Lin, a man who has made four (well, three and a cameo) films about Vin Diesel sleepily growling about family in between scenes of supercars performing Cirque du Soleil acts, I wasn’t all too excited for the new entry, even though it’d be written by talented comic actor and well-known nerd Simon Pegg. Who would have thought that Pegg and Lin would have been the ones that saved not only 2016 from being a shit year for blockbusters, but also the soul of the “Star Trek” franchise?

The plot is about Kirk and the Enterprise crew getting stranded on a remote world after being attacked by a mysterious warlord while investigating a missing ship. It’s a slick and self-contained adventure, making it feel like a long and big-budget episode of the series in the best possible way. I don’t want to imply that this is the “Star Trek” of yore. It’s still a big, over-the-top space action film. But it has something that the previous two films (especially Into Darkness) lacked; spirit. The spirit of discovery, of exploration, of optimism. That despite the dangers in the galaxy, any problem can be overcome as long as all the species work together. Most importantly, it has an emphasis on character, actually slowing down at times to let them breathe and talk and joke with each other (y’know, like they’re people or something, and not just plot-devices). There’s a wonderful little scene at the start where Kirk and Bones share a drink to toast Kirk’s deceased father, and the tributes to the gone-but-not-forgotten Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin were beautifully done.

It’s remarkable how well Lin and Pegg capture this “Star Trek” spirit while still making an exciting, blockbuster action film. Lin brings his A-game to the action scenes, making them fun, creative, and natural as a story progression. You always understand why the action is happening, as opposed to a random fight being thrown in for its own sake. There’s a certain scene later in the film where a ship has to take on a swarm of smaller enemies with a familiar musical cue, and I cannot remember the last time I ever felt so much hype and childish glee in a movie scene.

I guess the villain is the same generic normal-guy-who-was-betrayed-and-wants revenge that the past two films had, but between the still-excellent cast (newcomer Sofia Boutella steals the show as an alien warrior/scavenger that Scotty meets), a strong soundtrack, awesome visuals, a fun story, involving action scenes, and that warm “Star Trek” feel to it, “Star Trek Beyond” feels like a jolt to the heart of a series that was in danger of becoming lost to soulless, studio-driven blockbuster territory. Assuming there’s more to this series of films, I cannot wait to see where the franchise boldly goes from here.

1. Free Fire – This is the most fun I’ve had in a theater since “Mad Max: Fury Road”. I wasn’t a huge fan of Ben Wheatley’s previous films, but among the material I didn’t really care for, I saw an undeniable talent in his work. Here, it’s like he used his powers to make a movie precisely for me.

The film is about an arms deal that takes place in a warehouse between two groups of criminals that quickly gets out of hand after shots are fired in the exchange. The remaining 70 minutes of this 90-minute long movie is basically one really long shootout as everyone picks sides, betray each other, and get increasingly wounded while rarely ceasing their shit-talking. Think “Reservoir Dogs” as a comedy of miscommunication. In an amazing feat of filmmaking, Wheatley makes sure that this lengthy shootout set mostly in one large room isn’t boring for a second. His smart, gradual escalation of events punctuated with a number of “holy shit” moments and set pieces, held together by excellent editing, keeps the film exciting and darkly funny throughout. In between the big moments, characters take pause to hurl expletives at each other and ponder their own situation as they desperately try to get out of it, adding up to people you care about and are interested in even if they’re all dicks. This is a brilliant example of how important pacing and characterization is to a film, especially to one with so little plot.

Also helping is the hilarious banter, delivered by a wonderful and colorful cast of characters played by a small but absolutely stellar cast. Everyone is great and play their characters perfectly, with a standout performance by Sharlto Copley as an unhinged, self-absorbed arms dealer who causes much of the conflict in the film. I knew I’d love him as soon as a character says “Vernon was misdiagnosed as a child genius and never got over it.” I also want to mention the sound design, which is some of the best in recent memory, with every bullet fired feeling like a loud jolt to one’s system. The writing is highly enjoyable on a superficial level, and even carries a bit of depth with the shootout being a clever allegory for human nature and just generally what happens when idiots own guns.

“Free Fire” is by far the best movie I saw this year, and when it gets a theatrical release, I implore you to go see it. The only complaints I can think of are that the ending is just alright, and after a certain point you start to wonder where some of the characters keep getting their ammo from. Time will tell if this film stands up to repeated viewings, but this was easily the funniest, craziest, and most entertaining film I’ve seen all year. Yes, my favorite movie of 2016 is a 2017 movie in which characters argue and shoot each other in a dirty warehouse for 90 minutes. Cinema isn’t dead yet.

The “30 and Still Living in Parents’ Basement” Award for Biggest Disappointment 

Nominees:

 ·         Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

·         Jason Bourne

·         Passengers

·         Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

·         Warcraft

Runner-up:

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Winner:

Passengers

The “Clever Marketing” Award for Best Tagline

Nominees:

·         Elvis & Nixon – “On December 21st, 1970, two of America's greatest recording artists met for the first time.”

·         Free Fire – “All guns. No control.”

·         London Has Fallen – “Prepare for bloody hell”

·         The Dressmaker – “Revenge is back in fashion”

Runner-up:

The Dressmaker

Winner:

Elvis & Nixon

The “Postcore Avantwave” Award for Best Film Score

Nominees:

·         Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane

·         Justin Hurwitz – La La Land

·         Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana

·         Matthew Margeson – Eddie the Eagle

·         Michael Giacchino – Star Trek Beyond

·         Rupert Gregson-Williams – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Shirō Sagisu – Shin Godzilla

Runner-up:

Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana

Winner:

Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane

The "I'm Glad We Decided to Keep It" Award for Best Child Performance

Nominees:

·         Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys

·         Auli'i Cravalho - Moana

·         Ferdia Walsh-Peelo – Sing Street

·         Harvey Scrimshaw - The Witch

·         Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople

·         Kim Su-an – Train to Busan

·         Lucas Jade Zumann – 20th Century Women

Runner-up:

Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Winner:

Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys

The “If Only the Rest of the Movie Was This Good” Award for Best Scene

Nominees:

·         Athens riot – Jason Bourne

·         Beach drowning – Silence

·         Captain America and Winter Soldier vs. Iron Man – Captain America: Civil War

·         Car chase – Operation Avalanche

·         Christmas dinner party – Elle

·         Climactic robbery/shootout/getaway – Hell or High Water

·         Desmond’s rescues – Hacksaw Ridge

·         “Drive It Like You Stole It” – Sing Street

·         Epilogue – La La Land

·         Entering the ship – Arrival

·         “How Far I’ll Go” – Moana

·         Police station – Manchester by the Sea

·         Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond

·         The un-destruction of Hong Kong – Doctor Strange

·         The 90-meter jump – Eddie the Eagle

·         Quicksilver and the exploding mansion – X-Men: Apocalypse

·         Warehouse rescue - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Runner-up:

Police station – Manchester by the Sea

Winner:

Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond

The “Pig in Lipstick” Award for Prettiest Movie

Nominees:

·         A Bigger Splash

·         Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

·         Doctor Strange

·         Hail Caesar!

·         Kubo and the Two Strings

·         La La Land

·         Moana

·         The Handmaiden

·         The Love Witch

Runner-up:

The Handmaiden

Winner:

Kubo and the Two Strings

The “Premium Meth” Award for Best Chemistry

Nominees:

·         Adam Driver and Golshifteh Farahani - Paterson

·         Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

·         Chris Pine and Ben Foster – Hell or High Water

·         Gerard Butler and his knife – London Has Fallen

·         Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham – Hell or High Water

·         Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone

·         Ruth Negga and Joel Edgerton – Loving

·         Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe – The Nice Guys

·         Ryan Reynolds and Morena Baccarin – Deadpool

·         Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong – The Brothers Grimsby

Runner-up:

Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone

Winner:

Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

The “Healed Broken Bone” Award for Best Cast

Nominees:

·         20th Century Women

·         Captain America: Civil War

·         Everybody Wants Some!!

·         Fences

·         Free Fire

·         Hail, Caesar!

·         Love & Friendship

·         Sing Street

·         Star Trek Beyond

·         The Magnificent Seven

Runner-up:

Sing Street

Winner:

Free Fire

The “Convincingly Faked Orgasm” Award for Best Performance

Honorable Mentions:

·         Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Ben Foster – Hell or High Water

·         Blake Lively – The Shallows

·         Chris Pine – Hell or High Water

·         Emma Stone – La La Land

·         Hugo Weaving – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Joe Alwyn – Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

·         Joel Edgerton – Loving

·         Judy Davis – The Dressmaker

·         Kate Beckinsale – Love & Friendship

·         Kate Winslet – The Dressmaker

·         Kwak Do-won – The Wailing

·         Mahershala Ali - Moonlight

·         Ruth Negga – Loving

·         Sam Neill – Hunt for the Wilderpeople

·         Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic

·         Woody Harrelson – The Edge of Seventeen

Nominees:

·         Adam Driver – Paterson

·         Alden Ehrenreich – Hail, Caesar!

·         Annette Bening – 20th Century Women

·         Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea

·         Denzel Washington – Fences

·         Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen

·         Greta Gerwig – 20th Century Women

·         Isabelle Huppert - Elle

·         Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water

·         John Goodman – 10 Cloverfield Lane

·         Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals

·         Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

·         Ralph Fiennes – A Bigger Splash

·         Rebecca Hall – Christine

·         Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys

·         Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool

·         ­Sharlto Copley – Free Fire

·         Tom Bennett – Love & Friendship

·         Viola Davis – Fences

Runner-up:

Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen

Winner:

Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys

In regards to my final award:

The whole “Fuck 2016” thing has been done to death, albeit not undeservingly, so this’ll be my only word on the matter. A lot of us had a rough year, dealing with political strife, global conflict, environmental issues, personal problems, celebrity deaths, “Suicide Squad”, etc. Even in film, 2016 has felt like a bit of a downer, with many films I was looking forward to letting me down. However, there have been quite a few gems, especially in the latter half of the year, and a good number of these are off the beaten path, ones I actively searched for to find and ones I gave a shot even if they’re the type of thing I wouldn’t normally see.

My point is, we have to make an effort to get the good out of life. You can still find some gems while wading through a river of shit (which you’re going to wade through anyway), and I’m not just talking about movies. Try something you normally wouldn’t. Try to pick up a new hobby. Make some personal time for yourself, even if you’re swamped with work or school. Start exercising if you don’t already (hell, try yoga). Don’t just accept that life is shit; do something to make it less shit. Always strive to better yourself, because while there’s no such thing as perfection (unless you’re Michael Shannon), it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reach for it.

The mere fact that you’re reading this means that you’re actively trying to de-pleb yourself, or maybe it’s because you love me or maybe I just make you laugh sometimes. In any case, thank you for reading this year-in-review. As it has been for the past two years, writing this was fun and therapeutic. I wish you all luck in seeking happiness (and good taste in film, like mine), and for those of you who have a bad day somewhere on that journey, film is always there for you, including the following films which can cheer one up even on the rainiest days.

The “Ancient Indian Burial Ground” Award for Film Most Likely to Raise Your Spirits

Nominees:

Eddie the Eagle

Sing Street

Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Everybody Wants Some!!

Moana

Runner-up:

Sing Street

Winner:

Eddie the Eagle