#since hunger is obviously a huge theme in the series

[lucy-ghoul]

the only wrong katniss everdeen ever committed is being a cat hater

[mrultra100]

I dunno about you folks, but given the recent news about Adult Swim’s new Checkered Past block (them broadcasting old Cartoon Network shows), along with today being 810nicle Day, it’s got me thinking about my childhood.

This is something I normally don’t bring up, as I usually don’t discuss my personal experiences, but I wanna get it off my chest. As far back as the mid to late 2000s, 3 big things were a factor of my childhood; LEGO, Cartoon Network/Adult Swim, and, believe it or not, the city of Atlanta, Georgia.

The LEGO bit is rather obvious, given how I’m a huge Mixels fan, but I also recall liking Bionicle alot when it was being sold. While I don’t really remember alot of my past with that particular franchise myself, I do remember seeing the commercials for it back in the day. And to this day, I often find myself rewatching old promotional material for Bionicle on Youtube for nostalgia reasons. Why, I even dabbled around with the G2 sets back when they came out during the mid 2010’s. I guess my love for LEGO back in my early years was a huge reason why I latched onto Mixels from the very start. Like with alot of people that I know, Mixels and Bionicle are the two LEGO franchises I love the most, both as a kid, and even now as a young adult. Obviously, a few other themes from that time like Power Miners, Atlantis, and Hero Factory were sets that I liked alot, but for the sake of discussion, Mixels and Bionicle are what come to my head first whenever I think about LEGO.

Speaking of Mixels, the series that it got on Cartoon Network was, and still is, one of my favorite shows on the channel. I guess that serves as a nice segway into the CN portion, eh? Getting back into the topic at hand, given how I was born in 2002, I would eventually grow up with many of the shows from the CN eras of not only the mid-to-late 2000s, but also the early 2010s; Yes! Noods, and even a bit of the Check It era are when I had some pretty good memories with Cartoon Network, and the shows airing throughout all of that time stuck with me. Obviously, Mixels comes up again when I talk about this sorta thing, but shows like Chowder, Flapjack, the original continuity of Ben 10, Billy and Mandy, Adventure Time Regular Show, and plenty more are what I saw and loved back then. I even dabbled in a bit of Adult Swim too, as not only does Aqua Teen Hunger Force come to mind, me and my family even watched late-night broadcasts of King of the Hill. And I’m not sure if I’m remembering this right, but I might have even seen a tiny bit of Toonami as well. I dunno, it’s been a long time since that all happened

Lastly, the last thing of this 3 layered cake of nostalgia is me and my family visiting the city of Atlanta, more specifically, the Georgia Aquarium. My mind’s a bit fuzzy on when my first visit exactly was, but I’m guessing that was around in 2008. I was 6 back then, so it happened long ago. Even back at that age, I was a lover of marine life, sharks especially. I think the Georgia Aquarium was my first ever time seeing these beautiful creatures alive. Unlike a good chunk of people, I’ve always been fascinated by sharks and other marine animals, so you can probably imagine the sheer awe that I had when I saw a whale shark swimming around Ocean Voyager. Moments like that tend to stick with you for life. And ever since, I’ve had the pleasure of coming back again and again all throughout my late childhood and teen years. Even to this day, me and my family go to the aquarium for sleepovers every once and a while. No joke, I even teared up a little bit when the lights went off in the massive viewing window in Ocean Voyager, where me, my dad, and the sleepover group that we were a part of, when it got late. Seeing shadows dance, cruise, and flicker inside the inky depths was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen in my life, mainly due to how it struck a chord with my nostalgia. While the Georgia Aquarium itself has changed to add in renovations, new galleries and animals, and other such things, my love and appreciation for the place has only grown within years, and I’ll always treasure it and the memories that I’ve had. Also, while we’re on the topic of Atlanta, did you know that Williams Street, one of the teams behind Adult Swim, is set within Atlanta? Things like that bring everything together.

Now, with all of that said, what’s the point of me going off on a discussion like this? It’s just me wanting to talk about certain things from my childhood that I, along with many other people, have had happy childhood memories. Given the state of the world right now, I feel like thinking about simpler times helps with feeling better. Adult Swim’s Checkered Past feels like the team in charge of the channel wants to not only bring back memories of the old CN shows that we all loved as children (along with introducing any kids today to said shows), but to also give these beloved classics the love and respect that they deserve. Cartoon Network, as it stands now, is in desperate need of repair, and it’s all Discovery’s fault. Given how he ruined both Discovery and Warner Bros with the WB Discovery merger, along with canceling certain films and shows before they could come out, filing Discovery and ruining Shark Week with pseudoscience nonsense designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator (I.E. braindead morons who spread conspiracies that aren’t true in the slightest) and reality show garbage that no sane person would willingly watch, David Zaslav is one of the few people out there that I unironically despise with all of my heart. I really hope someone in the near future comes out and finds a way to fire his ass for good. That bastard needs to go. Only then, things for WB and CN can find a way to improve for the better, along with many other studios going through similar situations.

Until that happens, things like Checkered Past serve as a way to rediscover the magic felt by all of us, and it’s a magic that I can attend to especially. Even with how I’ve grown and changed as a person, along with my tastes in media being refined and expanded on, I’ll always harken back to simpler times. I think we could all have a trip down memory lane.

[otakusheep15]

SFW Alphabet - Beelzebub

My first two did way better than expected, so I’m gonna continue this series with the rest of the brothers (and maybe the others as well).

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

He is probably one of the more affectionate brothers (besides Asmo and Mammon). He’s quick to praise just about anything you do, even if it’s something small. As for physical affection, he is a sucker for hugs. He’ll randomly come up behind you and lift you up in a bear hug. Also, if you happen to cook, he’ll do that thing where he comes up behind you, wraps his arms around your middle, and lays his head on top of yours. Trust me, this boy does not shy away from affection, physical or verbal. 

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Honestly, he is the ideal best friend. You two would spend late nights sneaking into the kitchen for snacks and hoping to not run into Luci. You cheer him on at all of his games, and he’ll cheer you on if you do anything that involves competition. Being besties with him also means being besties with Belphie, so expect him to be a huge part of your life as well. You’ll often carry around snacks for him when he gets hungry. He likes to carry you around, both as a mini workout and because you’re tiny (compared to him) and he likes that he can pick you up so easily. 

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He totally picked up his love of cuddles from his twin. His favorite position is him laying on his back with you laying right on top of him. It doesn’t matter how big you may seem, cause your weight is virtually nothing to him. He also enjoys laying on his back or side with you laying your head on his chest while you two hold each other because that’s how him and Belphie usually end up when they share a bed. 

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Out of all the brothers, he is the most likely to want to settle down. He loves you so much and he wants to spend as much time with you as possible. As for household chores, he’s surprisingly good at them. He can cook decently because of his sin, and he actually doesn’t mind cleaning. He’ll do a lot of the harder chores so that you don’t have to work as much, but he still appreciates if you help him out. 

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

He is one of the kindest demons to ever exist, so the other person would have had to been really bad for him to break up with them. He’d probably just tell them straight up that their relationship isn’t working out. It would be simple and to the point, but he’d still try and be nice so that not as any feelings are hurt.  

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Like I said, he would love to settle down with you. However, he would never push the idea much unless he’s sure you feel the same. If you don’t want to settle down, then he is more than happy to just be with you however you want. And if you do decide you want to officially settle down with him, he’d be so happy. He’d want to get married asap to ensure that you two can spend more time together. 

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

He’s a big boy, and he knows it, so he always tries to be as gentle as possible. Of course, he can get a bit intense, especially when he gets excited. When he gets this excited, he’ll wrap you up in a tight hug that sometimes makes it hard to breathe. As for emotional gentleness, he’s the sweetest of the brothers, so he’s usually gentle regardless. However, he’ll sometimes get angry or aggressive when he’s hungry or someone upsets him. 

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

He is an absolute sucker for hugs. Physical touch is his main love language, so he loves giving hugs to everyone he cares about. You and Belphie are the main victims of his hugs, but his other brothers aren’t safe either. He also has a tendency to hug his teammates after a win.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Out of all the brothers, he probably the quickest to say it. He’s very affectionate by nature, so it’s no surprise that he would say it fairly early. That isn’t to say that he’s quick to fall in love, and he was honestly shocked when he realized he had fallen in love os fast. He’d be the type to say it super casually, maybe while y’all are just hanging out in the kitchen one night. 

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He isn’t super jealous simply because he trusts you. He knows that you’re loyal to him and that you love him like he loves you. Of course he has his moments; other demons hitting on you is the prime example. If this ever happens, his instincts tend to kick in since demons are possessive by nature. He’d probably feel bad after, but you assure him that it’s fine. 

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses are super soft and filled with love. To him, your lips taste better than any sweet he’s ever had, so he loves kissing them whenever he can. Bonus points if you ate something super delicious before hand. On himself, he loves being kissed on his chest and stomach. He works super hard on his body, and he loves when you notice and take the time to truly show how much you love his body. 

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Out of all the brothers, he’s probably the best with kinds. Not that he necessarily likes them, he’s just kinda neutral towards them for the most part. However, for some odd reason, kids seem to love him. It’s kinda like how kids just know someone’s personality without actually knowing them, kinds just know that he’s a sweetheart underneath all that muscle. So, he eventually came around to them after he realized how much kids seemed naturally drawn to him. 

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Mornings are usually spent with you getting woken up by him attempting to quietly get out of bed to go find food, despite the fact that he is never quiet during this time. After that, you two get ready and go down to breakfast, Most of the time, he tries to give you extra food to eat (cause that how he shows love) but you can never finish it all, so you give it to him. Then you walk to school together. 

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Nights are usually spent hanging out in his room, sometimes with Belphie, but mostly without. You two spend some time together studying or just talking while accompanied by large amounts of snacks for him. You two then get into bed together and cuddle until he has to get up in the middle of the night due to hunger.  

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He seems pretty open on the surface, and he does trust you enough to tell you about his past fairly quickly, but there are some things he keeps hidden even after you two have been together for a while. he will eventually open up to you about everything, but it might take him a while. 

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He is pretty patient for the most part. Really, he only gets impatient if he’s hungry, or if someone is threatening/bothering someone he cares about. Besides that, he’s the most patient and respectful demon around. He’ll help you out with whatever you need, and he’ll never yell at you or rush you if you need some time. 

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

This boy remembers everything you tell him. It could be the smallest of details or something you just said in passing, but he’ll still remember it. It’s honestly quite surprising how good of a memory he has. If fact, he’s probably the brother who has the best memory just in general. 

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite memory is the first time you cooked for him. Not when you have cooking duty, since that’s cooking for the whole house, but when you made something specifically for him. You made him a human world cheese burger since that’s his favorite. He actually teared up a little at the sight of it. Not only was it his favorite meal, but it was made by his favorite human. Obviously, it wasn’t enough to fill his stomach, but it was more than enough to fill his heart. Ugh that was so cheesy.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He is super, SUPER protective. Not just of you, but his whole family. After all, he is physically the strongest, and he knows how intimidating he is. If he finds someone bullying you or one of his brothers, he will not hesitate to eat them, demon or otherwise. Secretly though, it can get tiring being the protector of his family, which is why he appreciates when you stand up for him.  

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Honestly, he tries so hard to make everything perfect. Usually, he tries to theme dates around food, and he always tries to make you something (or get Belphie to make something) but he almost always ends up eating it, which makes him really sad because he tried so hard. However, you tell him that whatever he does is absolutely perfect, and you love him regardless of how date plans end up. 

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Obviously, his eating habit tend to get pretty bad, but it’s not like he can really help that. His hunger does calm down when you two get together, but it’s still very much there. He often steals your food, or forces you away from whatever you were doing in order to take you to get food. He’s currently trying to ease up, but it’s difficult for him and he needs time to learn how to control his urges better. 

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He’s not very concerned with his looks in the same way Asmo and Mammon are, but he does like to take care of his body. He works very hard to maintain all that muscle, and he loves the attention it gets him. He’s not all that vain, but having people admire his body does give him a little confidence boost. 

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Absolutely he would. You help quell a large part of his hunger, and he could not imagine his life without you anymore. Honestly, you could leave him for two minutes to use the bathroom, and he’ll still sulk like a lost puppy the entire time. 

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

I headcanon that he is actually the most self-conscious of all the brothers. Where Levi is more open about how much he hates himself, he usually tends to keep it all in, making it even worse. The only time he ever lets it out is in moments where he feels safe and at ease. These times are usually with you and/or Belphie. It’s kinda shocking at first when you find out just how much he hates himself, but it does make sense. He blames himself for Lilith’s death, he is constantly just watered down to food and muscles, and almost everyone is super scared of him. It’s no wonder he would start to act like Levi, even if just behind closed doors. 

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He despises anyone who cooks like Solomon. In general, he hates anyone who goes after the people he cares about. He also doesn’t like people who are super obnoxious or self-centered (Asmo is an exception cause he can’t really control that). 

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Obviously, he has that habit of waking up at random hours of the night for food. But, when he’s actually asleep, he has a tendency to fall out of bed. He is larger than average, even for a demon, so it would make sense that his bed might not always be able to hold him. When he sleeps with someone, they can also expect to be pushed out at least once. 

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

sorry for all the harry potter posting in 2021…. but like….. reflecting on just how dark the later books were/are, why on earth did every harry potter fan always romanticise having a movie marathon with the movies??? like yeah, it’s basically what i’ve been doing for the last few weekends staying at my sister’s on my own…. and since i’ve been awake this morning, i’ve gone through ootp, hbp and deathly hallows part 1 so far….. and like…… these movies, to me, aren’t really made for marathon watching/binge watching in a sense….. due to the heavy subject matter imo. they’re made to be standalone (although part of a series) viewed movies one by one, not back to back to back in succession; when there’s just so many incredibly substantial themes like death and obviously racism, systemic corruption etc etc. to be thought about while watching.

like of course everyone is going to say that im reading far too deeply into this and that the hp books and movies are trash….. but like the constant romanticisation in the 2000s and early 2010s of wanting to do harry potter marathons as if they were as cutesy and happy go-lucky as romcoms…. or simply just as lighthearted kids movies backed by whimsy and fuzzy feelings back in the day, was just so fucking backward.

like obvs since im older now, i can see that harry was abused by petunia & vernon for example. and by reading other teen fiction (specifically aussie YA fiction series’ tomorrow when the war began series and the ellie chronicles trilogy); harry’s horrible dreams/flashbacks of cedric before/after he was killed in goblet of fire is a symptom of PTSD (which i read in harry potter essays in uni when i did i philosophy essay on epistemic injustice in ootp in the courtroom scene). i can actually see how harry is being used as a pawn by dumbledore in his master plan. and obvs in analysing these things im putting my apparently “useless” arts degree in english and philosophy to use lmao. and of course as kids, we either ignored those themes or never picked up on them because they went straight over our heads.

on this bent then, another YA movie series that is NOT made for binge watching is the hunger games. which i found out to my own kind of detriment last year….. considering that i had never bothered to read the books back when they were popular past the titular namesake hunger games book (and had also forgotten all the early 2010s tumblr posts about how dark it was)…. while deciding to watch all the movies til catching fire part 1 in a binge watch sesh in the middle of 2020. the binge watch sesh was also spurred on by the book about young president snow that came out in 2020 lol.

so last year, when i finally decided to watch hunger games, i could actually understand and contemplate the political ramifications of katniss’s & peeta’s behaviour and defiance… which was something that i completely brushed off while it was hugely popular in the early 2010s because it was “too political”…… while i utterly denied the GLARINGLY OBVIOUS major political undertones and themes in harry potter because i was so obsessed with it….. but I obvs was most specifically preoccupied with what hogwarts house i’d be in lmao and whether i was more like hermione/luna/ginny or a mix of all of them. like yeah. it was so backward.

of course, the HP movies do have a bingeable quality to them; but my god. from really goblet of fire onwards, they’re heavy as fuck and really don’t need to be binged back to back in succession….. like you can do with how i met your mother or Loki eps in terms of tv shows. or idek, for movies, old rom-com faves like suddenly 30/13 going on 30 or rom-coms starring sandra bullock (bc they’re some of my faves)…. or teen indie comedy faves like juno or napoleon dynamite.

bc harry potter at it’s core, is a war story, more obviously from the end of GOF til the end of the series. it’s heavy, it’s dark, and emotionally devastating (for me when i was younger obvs). in some scenes, such as when harry returns with cedric’s dead body in GOF and it’s backed by the cheery marching band music but then drowned out by fleur’s scream and amos diggory dramatically scream sobbing “MY BOOOOOY!!! MY SOOON!!! MY BOY IS DEAD!!!!” (which as a kid i used to laugh incredibly inappropriately at every bloody time i watched it)…. but NOW??? THE PAIN! THE SUFFERING! THE TURMOIL! which is finally paired with the sad score music and camera panning out from the tri-wizard cup school stadium??? oh! i am but torn asunder by it all (okay not really, but i feel amos’s pain more acutely and i can shed a tear or two is the point here). and speaking of GOF, it’s pretty sad that over the years, it’s always been reduced to “C A L M L Y” and hermione’s yule ball dress being pink instead of blue bc of both the real and supposed lack of book to film accuracy…. when there’s obvs more important things to focus on lol.

bc literally one of the most horrifying scenes in the gof movie for me, in retrospect, is voldemort being reborn???? and wormtail sacrificing his own hand to get that essentially cursed silver hand that ends up strangling him to death in DHP1. and also david tennant’s albeit very disappointingly short appearances as barty crouch jr???? that was good casting. and also the incredibly fucked up storyline in GOF of BCJ imprisoning the real mad eye moody in moody’s own enchanted chest for his hair for polyjuice potion???? it hit me last week again (bc it hit me in 2020 when i reread the series with audiobooks as well) just how ridiculously FUCKED UP and BATSHIT that ENTIRE storyline really was. and i read and watched that???? and was fine with it at 10 years old???? jesus christ lmao.

okay. i went a bit off topic and overboard. but y’all get what i mean??? it’s so weird that an entire generation romanticised a YA series that was essentially about a war in its later instalments (and obvs a full blown one by deathly hallows) as some cutesy marathonable story bc it was/is so whimsical and its filled with childhood memories. but in doing it myself over the last few weeks, it’s just not. it was definitely one of the heftiest book series for kids/teens back then. but also for the movies, aside for their run times mostly all being close to 3hrs long, they’re quite emotionally charged and are astonishingly dark & dense in subject matter/themes for a KIDS movie series for the backend of the series. and mostly the only reason it’s “marathonable” in a sense, is because we all know the story so well.

[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

Royal Blood [Alpha!Cal AU] - The Girl Who Cried Wolf. Part 2

The Girl Who Cried Wolf | Royal Blood | No Love Go | Gimme

Summary: No matter how fast you run, you can’t run from yourself

Warnings: oh, wow, where do I start?.. still, a lot of smut, still nothing too gross, but full on smut. also description of violence and abusive and toxic relationship, some curse words and, as usual, lack of proofreading

A/N: so, “The Girl Who Cried Wolf” got such a great response from you, guys, (thank you a million times for that again) that my vague ideas formed into the whole plan for this series, so, here’s part two to the story of our two wolves, which isn’t going to be last for sure! All my love goes to my pixie @bringmethehorizonandpizza for tolerating me and kicking my ass during this hell of a ride (and this part is hell of a ride, trust me). Traditionally, thank you @flannelpunkcalum for alpha Cal 😘. Huge shout out to the wonderful @burncrashbromance for the mind blowing lyrics edit you can see in the moodboard (the theme song for this part is ‘Little Monster’ by Royal Blood). I’m really in love this this part, so I hope you’ll like it too. Feedback is extremely appreciated, as always. Enjoy!

***

You’d been riding a guy’s dick for ten minutes straight already. You legs were starting to hurt, yet you were nowhere near to your orgasm. You were bouncing in a steady rhythm, your hands on your own hips, head a little thrown back. You closed your eyes, trying to concentrate on the feeling of the thick cock inside of you. The guy, whose name you wouldn’t remember for the dear life, was holding your waist to help you grind. He wasn’t kissing your breasts as you’d like, wasn’t even palming them, too busy enjoying the fact that the hot girl from the club was riding him right now. But he had a hard dick and that was enough for now.

You leaned forward and put all your weight on your left arm, sliding your right hand down your body to you clit. You started rubbing circles on it, bringing the guy to the extase by the mere view of you doing it. But you cared only about cumming right now. The new angle made you change the rhythm of your moving, your ass motioning smoothly against guy’s hips. You felt his dick going deeper inside you. The sensation was so good, yet not completely enough. You closed your eyes and tried to distance from the guy’s moans. You’ve learned already there was only one way for you to reach the high, so you let your memory bring him back again.

You almost whimpered at the pictures flashing through your mind. His dark skinned torso under you, his tattoos on display. His hands grabbing on your tits as he’s moving up to suck on your nipple. His plump lips on your clit.

That memory of his lips was the last drop. You could swear you remembered how they felt on each part of your body he kissed that night. You cried out and came on guy’s dick thinking about the sex with alpha which happened more than a week ago. You let the guy move you under him and chase his release, riding your high through it.

When you both were done, you just put your clothes back on, smiled to his offer to stay for the second round and left his place without looking at him twice. You felt the same pit in your stomach as before the sex and you knew the second round wouldn’t help you with it. Nothing would.

You sighed as you entered your apartment, kicking off your shoes and slipping off of your dress. That was the fourth guy in a week. You didn’t even feel ashamed, at this point it became almost science. You were gathering statistics, and for now it was frustrating.

You got into the shower, hot streams of water soothing your skin a little, while you were trying to get your mind straight. You fucked four guys in the last six days. You’d never been innocent, you had to admit, but that was a record even for you. And every time it was the same. No matter how good they were in bed, you couldn’t cum without thinking of the alpha. And after the sex it seemed like your hunger got even stronger.

Just like now. You sighed and rested your head against cold tiles. You’ve had a dick inside of you less than half an hour ago. Yet here you were, horny as ever, wishing for the certain hands sliding down your body right now instead of your own. You closed your eyes and gave in. You knew it wouldn’t help you, but you couldn’t resist images of him in the shower with you. You almost felt his hot breath on your shoulder, could hear him groaning in your ear. Your hand didn’t even stop at your clit, fingers going straight into your pussy. Your imagination was already painting you a picture of him pounding in you from behind, his hips slapping at your ass, his hands wandering up to your breasts and then down again to squeeze your ass. He’d be going fast, no tenderness in his movements, each of his thrusts making you stand on your tiptoes. He’d be too caught up in the feeling of your tight pussy around him to even kiss your shoulder as he’d done minutes before, just breathing through his clenched teeth next to your neck, growling at how fucking good you were.

You felt your walls clenching around your fingers, coming in no time, whining so loudly, even water couldn’t muffle the sound. When you could breathe again, you slided down the wall on your shower floor. You clasped your legs, hiding your face in your knees, letting water hit on your back. Was that how it was going to be now? Were you finally doomed? You’d felt the hunger like that before, once, many years ago. That was the moment it all finished for you in the wolves’ world.

You sobbed and felt the salt in the water on your face. There was only one explanation of what was going on with you. But fuck you if you were ready to believe in it. Because if it was, what you were afraid it was… Well, it meant the end for your life as you knew it. So was it the end of you?

Was he the end of you?

***

Calum frowned in his own coffee cup.

He was sitting in his car, outside Ashton’s house, waiting for his best friend, who was late as usual. The hour was too early to function, honestly, and they had a long, boring and difficult meeting with the potential partners in front of them. But that wasn’t the reason of his frowning.

Truth to be told, Cal was off the whole past week. And he would lie if he said, it hadn’t started with him waking up alone and finding out his little omega had just left him. He knew the trick, been putting it up himself one too many times. But she was the first woman who did it to him, and Calum didn’t like the feeling at all. How did she leave without waking him up? How come he didn’t hear her, when several hours before all his feelings had been tuned up with her. But as hard as that pill was, he swallowed it. She didn’t want anything more than one night. Deal, he was on the same page. Not even starting with the fact, that he’d never bothered with omegas. It was supposed to be one night only. Just to satisfy his hunger and interest. And even though her ability to just leave him in the morning regardless of what her omega nature might have demanded from her, still kept his interest up, Calum almost came to terms with the idea of just letting her go.

Almost. One tiny detail still torturing him. He could smell her. Every moment of every damn day since that night he was feeling her scent. In his bed (obviously, as he didn’t change the sheets, but only because he had no time, of course, and not because he wanted to feel her smell), everywhere he went (like he smelled of her now), and especially in his car. That was probably his imagination, he went to the car wash the very next day. Just the memory of her sucking his dick while he’d been driving was making the feeling so intense. But he couldn’t really smell her, that’s for sure. She lived in a different part of the town and Calum tried his hardest to avoid any possibility of crossing ways with her. Still, he smelled her. And it was already driving him mad.

“I know I’m late, shut up,” dropped Ashton, climbing on a passenger’s seat and grabbing his coffee.

Calum didn’t even look at his friend, too deep in his own thoughts. He just started his car and left the parking lot.

“So, I took a look of their offer last night,” Ashton started couple minutes and half of his coffee later, “and it’s total bullshit. I just hope they also understand it. We’re not going to have any business with them on such terms.”

Calum only hummed to that, trying to concentrate on the road.

“Let’s just be civilized, yeah?” Ashton continued. “I’m sure I’ll be able to come to the agreement with them in a diplomatic way. No need to go full on alpha on them from the beginning,” he chuckled.

“As you say,” his friend nodded.

“What’s with you today?” asked Ashtin, finally sparing his friend a concerned look. “And what’s that smell?” he went on, scrunching his face.

Calum’s frown grew deeper, as he looked at Ashton peeking around his car.

“What smell?” he asked with suspicious, stopping at the traffic light.

The very next moment Ashton opened his glove box and choked on his coffee.

“What the fuck, Cal?”

Calum bent to the glove box and let a quiet laugh, as he understood, what Ashton was talking about. Her underwear was crumpled and shoved into his glove box next to his documents and some car stuff, spreading around the wonderful smell of her sweet pussy.

“So I haven’t imagined her smell,” he muttered, sitting back up and setting the car in motion as the light turned green. He felt his mood lightening up.

“Care to explain why you have some omega’s panties in your car?” hissed Ashton, shutting the glove box.

Cal looked at his friend, cocky smirk back on his face. “And why do you think, Ash?”

Ashton rolled his eyes. “I’m not about the gory details, you smartass! I’m about the fact, that you don’t do omegas!”

Calum only shrugged to that. Seriously though, how much did he need to explain to answer that simple question.

“What I find much more interesting, is that you can actually smell she’s omega, yet at the party couple weeks ago you couldn’t even smell she was a wolf,” he noted, again concentrating on his driving. Though he couldn’t help looking at Ashton’s shocked expression.

“That omega? How did it happen?”

“Like you don’t know how it happens,” Calum rolled his eyes and got a hit on his shoulder. “Hey, if you haven’t noticed, I’m driving!”

“No, you’re being a dick,” argued Ashton. “Who is she?”

Calum sighed. “She’s from the north, we tracked her to the last city she lived in, but couldn’t find her original pack. If she had a pack, she must have left it many years ago. Lives among humans, has no contacts to wolves at all.”

“Why?”

“Have no idea,” Calum shrugged. He never really questioned that. He knew this world was full of lonely wolves like her, more often women than men, for that matter. And her lifestyle didn’t surprise him a bit, it only made everything easier. No pack meant no problems in bringing her to his pack. And even though she did leave him that morning, something in Calum made him sure that possibility still existed.

“So you were looking for her?” Ashton continued his questioning, more than just intrigued by the thoughtfulness on his friend’s face.

“Maybe,” Calum quirked an eyebrow.

“Why?”

Calum shrugged, searching for a place to park his car. “Couldn’t really shake her out of my mind.”

Ashton nodded, fully satisfied with that explanation. He finished his coffee and threw another careful look at Calum. “Do you think she may be…?” he didn’t finish the question, knew Calum hated the word.

“I’m trying not to think about it,” Calum admitted. He stopped the car and looked around the street.

“Yeah, but what if she is?”

Calum sighed and turned to his friend. “Then I’m fucked, Ash.”

With that he got out of car, leaving Ashton laugh at him inside.

***

The clinking of the elevator was probably the only sound on this floor, as you were probably the only person left in the building. It was past midnight, and saying you were tired would be an understatement. You were exhausted with the amount of work you’d been doing, the lack of sleep and feeling horny permanently. You’d stopped your sexual escapades lately, getting they were only making it worse and tried another method, abstinence. This didn’t help either, but at least you were getting some extra sleeping time. You were on the verge of tears this last couple days which never happened to you before, and considered you were going mad in much less joking manner.

You opened an Uber app as the elevator doors opened and started to enter your address. You were too sleepy and distracted this morning to drive, so you left your car in it’s parking lot and relied on the Uber. You heard heavy steps behind you and hurried to tap on the order button, switch off your phone screen and get into the elevator. To you dismay, Nick was fast enough to get in the elevator before the doors closed. You kept your sigh inside and tried to act it cool. You didn’t talk much since you rejected him in the bar that night, only if you had no way to avoid it. You leaned on the elevator wall and closed your eyes. You felt he wasn’t going to miss this opportunity, yet you were praying for him to keep his mouth shut.

“Didn’t know you were staying so late,” he started. You clenched your teeth and just shrugged, trying to show you weren’t up to the talking.

“I actually have a question for you,” Nick carried on.

Of fucking course you do, you thought, sighing and opening your eyes. “Can I avoid answering it?” you asked out loud.

“Don’t think so,” Nick shook his head, you heard anger in his voice. “I just still don’t get what you’re up to.”

“Excuse me?” you frowned, questioning again if sex with him was really good enough to bear with all of this now.

“You said, you don’t look for anything serious.”

“No, I don’t.”

“So you’re just fucking around?”

You smirked, “What a rude way to state it.”

The elevator clinked again and the doors opened. You entered the spacious hall, feeling Nick’s intense glare on your back.

“So what about that guy from the bar then?” he kept interrogating you.

“What guy from the bar?” you asked tiredly, god knows there were enough guys from the bars in the last several days.

“That night, when you told me you weren’t interested. You left with the guy,” Nick explained as they left the building and came out to the parking.

“And what about him?” you sighed and opened the uber app to check how far was the car. The next moment you felt the urge to shove your phone against the concrete pavement. You made a spelling mistake in your address and the app was politely asking you to check it. There was no car ordered.

“Is he your boyfriend?” Nick came around and stood right in front of you, demanding an answer.

“I don’t do boyfriends,” you shook your head, correcting the mistake in your address.

“But he kissed you like he owned you.”

Your fingers froze over the phone. You couldn’t fight the smile brought by the memory. He did kiss you like he owned you. And of course your imagination went off at the mere thought of alpha, you swear you could smell him in the night wind.

“So?” Nick questioned again.

You switched off your phone again and looked up at him. Unexpectedly, you met a pair of dark brown eyes instead of Nick’s light blue.

“So what?” asked alpha behind Nick’s back.

Your senses went wild the moment you heard his voice. You could hear alpha’s steady calm breath and human’s heart running faster with every other second, smelled alpha’s scent enveloping you, felt sour smell of Nick’s fear and the unholy sweet smell of your own juices. You saw alpha’s eyes brighten a little with lust as he met your stare.

Nick slowly turned back and looked at the other man. Alpha was slightly taller, but it felt like he was leaning over the human. You looked at Nick’s fingers trembling a little. If you were him, you’d be scared too.

“Back off, man, it’s a private conversation,” Nick scoffed.

You raised your eyebrows in surprise. Sure, Nick had no idea who he was talking to, but still having enough courage to say something like this at this level of fear was impressive. The roar didn’t leave alpha’s chest, but was loud enough for your ears. You felt wetness between your thighs immediately. Oh, what would you do for that roar.

“Why don’t you back off, man, of the lady who’s already said she’s not interested in you?” alpha pointed out with a smug look on his face.

“And how exactly is that your business? Are you her guy or what?”

You groaned inaudibly.

Alpha made one more step towards Nick. “You have no idea, who I am,” he said in a low voice.

You knew there was no way they finished that testosterone rush themselves.

“Nick,” you said, touching his shoulder, “just leave, please.”

He turned to you, looking offended and betrayed. “Fuck you both,” he muttered and set off to his car. A minute later you were left face to face with the alpha, Nick’s car rushing through the quiet streets of sleeping town.

Alpha smiled at you. “That’s why sleeping with humans isn’t a good idea,” he said, the same smugness in his voice.

“Says the guy who fucked how many human girls exactly?” your voice was sweet as sugar venom and you didn’t even try to fight your smile as you congratulated yourself of wiping his smirk off his stupidly gorgeous face.

You opened the uber app for what seemed a thousandth time that night.

“You don’t need that, I’ll give you a ride,” he said and you felt his hand on your arm, motioning you to turn in the direction of his car. He took couple steps towards it and froze, realising you weren’t following. “Omega?” he asked, looking back at you. You looked at him, you almost considered his offer. But you knew getting in his car was a bad idea, probably, the worst ever. The were reasons you left him the morning after. And those reasons didn’t disappear.

“First, I told you I’m not your omega. So stop calling me this. Second, I’m not getting in your car.”

You met his irritated look, your eyes cold and not giving anything away. His reaction was anything but what you were expecting. He chuckled at you and shook his head. “You’re so mistaken.”

You felt anger rise inside. “About what exactly?”

“Everything,” he stated simply. “Plus, you left something in my car the last time you were there. Wanna get it back?” same cocky smile back on his lips.

“Nah, that was a present,” you smiled back and switched your attention back to your phone.

“Well, then, thank you,” he muttered coming back up to you and taking your phone from your hands.

“What now?” you asked, exhaustion filling your voice.

“I told you, you don’t need it.”

“Well that’s just childish,” you said, pointing to your phone in his hand.

“Look who’s talking,” he rolled his eyes on you. “Now get your pretty ass in the car.”

You shrugged, said, “Enjoy the view of my pretty ass then,” turned in the opposite direction and started walking up to the park on the far corner of the street. You heard him exhale irritatedly and follow your steps.

“What now? You think you can just walk away from me?”

“Watch me,” you dropped not even looking back. He would hear you anyway, you knew.

“Come on, omega! I’m bigger and faster and stronger. You can’t just run away from me.”

You snorted to that. “Funny how you think it has anything to do with you. I just wanna get home, alone, lacking the company of you, Nick or anybody else.”

You stepped onto the park grass and kicked off your high heeled shoes. The grass under your feet felt magically, the ground still warm from a hot day, little drops of dew tickling on your toes. You dropped your purse not stopping for a moment, knowing full well he was following you. You had no intention of coming back to his bedroom, but you had to pay him back for stealing your phone and trying to force you into anything. You walked to the tall trees deeper inside the park and started to unzip your dress. The moment you were sure no one except the alpha was possibly able to see you, you picked on the hem of your dress and pulled it up. You dropped your dress on the ground, turning back and looking at the alpha, his stare wander over your body covered now only in a set of navy lingerie. You heard him hiss and saw the bulge forming in his pants at the sight of your body in the street lamps’ light.

“You know you can be arrested for this?” he said, his voice low. You heard danger in his tone and felt shivers running up your back.

“And who’s gonna arrest me? You?” you mocked him, raising your hands up behind your back and unclasping your bra, which fell on the ground next to your dress.

You basked in the way he was looking at you, with hunger and lust in his eyes. You knew you held all the power that moment, could ask for pretty much anything. Yet that would be too easy of a victory for you.

“Like what you see?” you asked, smiling devilishly at him.

He didn’t answer anything, just rubbed his chin, his eyes not leaving you for a moment. So you just bent and pulled your panties all the way down your legs until you were completely bare in front of him. You stood back up, stepped out of your panties, leaving them with the rest of your clothes on the grass and stepped back into the clearing behind the trees. You stopped right under the rays of moonlight coming through branches and painting your skin silver and looked again at the alpha. He took couple of steps in your direction, you heard blood rush in his veins, knew he was hardly holding back. So you just smiled at him, licked your lips and shifted.

You felt defocused for a moment, almost lost your balance, finally standing on all four legs after so many years. But it was only a moment, wolf’s instincts taking over you. You got used to hiding the memory of the feeling so deep inside of you, yet it was never forgotten. You felt so damn free, so happy, so beautiful. You inhaled the night air and turned your face to the other wolf. Alpha was standing on the same spot, looking at you in awe. He took another moment to memorize the way your silver fur was glowing in the moonlight and started to unbuckle his belt.

You knew you had so much of a head start before he’d shift and come after you. You spared him one last look and set in motion. You ran through the park, which almost felt like forest, if not for the city smells and the lack of true forest noises. You could hear alpha behind you before you reached the other side of the park. His paws hit the ground heavier than yours, but with the same speed. You sniffed and raised your speed. You crossed the road as fast as you could and whisked into one of backyards, away from street lamps and late night walkers. You heard him run closer up to you, his roar following you suit. He was an alpha and you assumed he might happen to be pretty fast. But you weren’t your father’s fastest wolf for nothing. So you let go of your fears and all of the issues you had with your wolf nature and just ran, as fast as you could, jumping over fences and enjoying every moment of your freedom.

You heard him slowing down soon enough, not even halfway through the distance. You didn’t flatter yourself with the idea that you really were faster than him. You knew alpha could reach you if he really wanted. He decided to let you go, maybe surprised by your speed, but not outrun by you. Soon you lost his smell, and by the time you came closer to your block of flats, you felt like the only wolf under the moon.

You sneaked a glance on your front door from the dark corner of the building, realising how not thought through was your plan. Sure, you teased alpha, but how you were supposed to get into the building now in a wolf shape and without the keys? Shifting back in a human’s form here on the street wasn’t a good idea either. Even if some lunatic type of neighbour of yours would be coming in or out of the building, how would you explain your naked ass outside at this hour?

You straddled back behind the corner of the building, sat down on the cold pavement and tried to think, which wasn’t easy in a wolf’s shape. One part of you, the bigger one at the moment, was convinced there was nothing better than spending the night under the stars, you just needed to find a softer piece of ground. But this part also wanted to howl at the moon, so you weren’t sure you should have listened to it. There was also one more part of you, made of instincts and dark desires, pulling you to the opposite side of the town, to one certain spacious house. It longed to crawl inside and fall to the feet of the alpha. Though there was no chance you’d listen to that part of yours either. The human part of you raised your head up, to where the fire escape was.

You stood up and tried to aim for the first landing. It was pretty high for a wolf, but four attempts finally brought you there. You had no trouble then, knowing well the door to the fire escape on your floor was never locked. You easily turned off the lights in the corridor, and needed no more than ten seconds to shift back into human, snatch your emergency key and whisk inside your apartment. There you leaned on the door and exhaled. There definitely were certain perks of being a human in a humans’ world.

You realised you left to alpha your phone and purse with all your stuff along with the keys. Thank fuck, your car keys were safely on the table near the door, as you didn’t drive that day. But you really wanted the other stuff back. You rolled your eyes at your own impulsiveness, questioning if teasing the alpha was really worth all the trouble. But you were too tired and agitated to think about it right now. You thought you won’t be able to sleep, your mind rushing with everything that happened today, but the exhaustion soon lulled you into much desired oblivion, leaving all the worries for the morning after.

***

Calum was running back to the park, sniffing at the city smells. He hated shifting inside the town, too many noises and severe smells for the wolf’s senses. But, he had to admit, tonight’s show was totally worth it.

Damn omega was driving him crazy. Calum was positive he never felt this kind of attraction to anyone in his life. And in a wolf shape these feelings only intensified. She was so beautiful, as a human and as a wolf. And she was doomed, just like him, no matter how fast she was running away from it.

As he stepped back into the park, he felt something was different. He couldn’t see or hear anything, but his instincts were on a verge. And Calum learned to trust his instincts long time ago. He slowed down and tried to keep closer to the trees. The first thing he noticed was clear grass, no sight of their clothes anywhere. Calum would have lied, if he’d said he didn’t think about some late wanker stealing their stuff, though he did hope it wouldn’t happen. But there was something else. Calum froze on the spot and lowered his head, trying to get the smell of whatever was lingering on the other side of the park.

“Seriously, dude?” Ashton’s voice was like a thunder in the silence of the night. “Gonna sniff me?”

Calum straightened and walked out of his shelter. Low roar was the answer to Ashton’s grunt. The wolf came up to his friend and looked around, then looked up at Ash in a silent questions.

“They’re in my car,” Ashton answered with a sigh. “Let’s go.”

He walked to his car, Calum running nearby and opened the backseat door. By the time Ashton got to the driver seat, he already had a naked six feet dude in the back.

“The fuck you were thinking?” he started as Cal got into his pants. “Shifting in the middle of a town? Are you completely out of your freaking mind?”

Calum pulled his shirt on and looked at his friend in a rearview mirror, quirking an eyebrow.

“You know the answer to that question.”

Ashton turned back and looked at Calum with all the anger he had right now. Sadly, his friend had just bent down to tie up his shoes, so Ashton had only his nape to burn through. “Since when do you think with your balls, man?”

Cal chuckled and looked up. “She’s in a heat.”

“Wait, what?” Ashton choke on his own words.

“She’s in a heat,” his friend repeated in a calm voice, putting on his jacket and checking the pockets.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, could smell her even while she was yet in a building.”

“Well, then excuse me, but why isn’t she fucking your brain out right now?”

“It didn’t hit her fully yet,” Calum leaned back on the seat and finally looked straight at Ashton, cocky smile on his lips. “I guess, will do in a couple of days. I think she still doesn’t understand what’s going on.”

Ashton nodded, they kept silent for couple of moments.

“So that means…” Ash started.

“Yeah,” Calum returned hastily.

Suddenly Ashton clapped his hands and bursted out laughing. “You are so fucked, my boy!”

“Not yet,” Calum snorted, “but intent to be soon, thank you very much.”

He looked at a pile of her clothes, carefully put together by Ashton. He didn’t know where this feeling came from, but he knew it wasn’t going to be easy for him. He knew she wasn’t going to be easy for him. He sighed.

“Anyway, how come you are here?”

Ashton shrugged nonchalantly, but seeing his friend waiting look, gave in. “Mike’s been at Luke’s, when I crashed. And Mike said you’ve been acting odd lately, so I decided to go and check on you.”

“Mhm, but that doesn’t explain you being here,” nodded Calum, his eyebrows furrowed.

Ashton sighed and admitted, “I may or may not have tracked you down.”

“Un-fucking-believable,” Calum crossed his arms on his chest, looking at Ashton. “My own pureblood gossips behind my back to your pureblood, and after that my best friend tracks me down.”

“Hey, you can’t actually blame us! Not everyday you’re going crazy about an omega.”

“Yeah, right,” Calum hummed, taking his car keys from his pocket. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll go and spend some time with my purebloods to show them that nothing’s actually changed. And I’ll take that,” he added, picking up omega’s stuff.

“Are you sure you’ll be able to leave her these and then actually leave her?” Ashton teased looking at the pile of clothes in Calum’s hands.

“Good night, Ash,” Calum only rolled his eyes and got out of car.

“Good night, loverboy!” cheered Ashton in an open window and started his car.

Calum only smirked. He knew Ashton was probably right, but, thank fuck, being an alpha meant having people to do delivery for him. He sighed again as he got into his car. If only other problems with his omega were so easily solved.

***

You woke up feeling awfully. Your whole body hurt, you head was heavy, muscles refused to stretch properly. That was your post-shifting hangover, and truth to be told, you were expecting it. You knew the price for not shifting for so long. Though this time it was totally worth it, you thought remembering alpha’s hungry eyes.

Nor hot shower, neither strong coffee helped you to feel better. While putting on a bracelet, you noticed that your hands were shaking. You frowned. That was too much of a reaction even for such a long pause. You felt so anxious, so unstable all of a sudden. Like a wolf feeling an upcoming earthquake, you wanted to fall on the ground and listen to what the Mother of All would whisper to you. And then run. Run as fast and as long as you only could. Because whatever it was, that was coming, it would uproot trees and make rivers flow backwards and eventually it would crash you. You could hear it coming and you were scared. For the first time in your entire life you were truly scared.

You smelled him, when you were putting your dress on. There was a wolf behind your apartment door. Not your alpha, not even a pureblood. A young beta you were positive you’d never met before. He knocked on the door once and walked away. You put on some flats, absolutely not in the mood for heels, and walked up to the door and opened it. Whoever that beta was, he already left the building. There was a paper bag left on your threshold. You carefully looked inside and smiled against your will. Your clothes were there, folded, your purse on top of a neat pile. You checked your purse and found your cell phone there, fully charged and with one unread message. From ‘Big Bad Alpha’. You chuckled and opened the text.

“Once you’re done trying to fuck me outta your head, give me a call.”

You rolled your eyes. That was definitely not what you were doing. And of course nothing of that was connected to him. But he, typical alpha, thought the whole world was spinning around his precious persona.

You grabbed your stuff and left for work. Thank all the gods it was finally Friday and you had to get through eight hours of work and then you’d have the whole weekend to get back to normal.

But all your hopes were actually in vain. You had just to look at Nick in the office to understand how deep in this you were. All the pictures of the night you’d spent with him were rushing in your mind. His arms, his lips, his tongue, his dick. You felt an urge to grab him by the hand and fuck him in the closest restroom. You shook your head and buried your nose in the financial report you had to analyse for the afternoon meeting.

Things got really harder when one of your colleagues offered you to have some coffee. While everyone were lounging during their not so much deserved break around the coffee machine, you couldn’t help but study men’s crotches and guess what was hidden inside their pants. Your hands were shaking more and more and soon you felt your neck sweating under your hair. Your body temperature was rising, you couldn’t control yourself anymore and at some point, after another hungry look at the man passing by your workplace, you understood you could soon become dangerous to people around. Each time you blinked, you were seeing alpha. You didn’t even need to imagine him naked, the memory of just his stupid smirk was setting you on fire.

You didn’t need to convince your boss in anything. By lunchtime you looked so bad, she didn’t just believed you were having flu, she basically assumed it herself and ordered you to leave the building before you could infect anybody else.

The wisest option was to go home, take a shower and after a glass or two of whiskey think about actually calling the alpha. But you were never that wise. So twenty minutes later you entered the bar you first met him and asked for a drink. Bartender didn’t look at you twice, not having any interest in people downing a double whiskey in one go in the middle of the day. But the guy sitting next to you happened to be more than interested in a girl downing a double whiskey in one go. You weren’t sure what exactly he said, you thought he called you pretty, but you weren’t sure. What you were sure about was how right his lips felt on your neck in the bar toilet, where you shoved him in five minutes later. His hands were a little too rough, but you didn’t care, too busy unbuckling his belt.

You almost came the moment he slid into you. You were leaning over the sink and he was taking you from behind. He was going hard, his hips slapping at yours. You closed your eyes, momentarily forgetting where and who you were with. The mere idea of his yellowish eyes made you moan. His low roars were bumping in your ears, synchronised to your blood flow. You had to bite on your lip to prevent yourself from crying, as you imagined his big but gentle hands on your hips. Soon you were moving towards the guy, trying to get him deeper, where you were aching for, as you admitted now, something much more different then a quicky in a bar. You finished faster than you were expecting, too exhausted by the pining and wait, and slipped off the guy. He tried to protest, but you smiled, taking his dick in your hand and helping him cum like that. You were desperate, but not to the point of letting him cum into you.

He left you soon after he finished, giving you some time and space to clean up. You looked in the mirror and hardly managed to keep yourself from smashing it. You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply. You didn’t feel easier. You didn’t feel anything for that matter. The black pit inside your abdomen was still there and there was only one dick on this entire damn planet to satisfy that hunger now. You finally saw what he was talking about. You were in a heat. What’s more, you were in a heat for him. You were doomed.

You left the bar as abruptly as you came there. The drive home was rushed. You took a shower, threw away the clothes you were in today and sat on your couch. Your phone was on a coffee table in front of you. You fit a cushion under your left arm and let yourself consider your options. Option number one was to call him. Humiliating? Yes. But also solving all of your problems, in a short term at least. Option number two was not calling him and probably spending the whole night humping on a cushion.

You sighed and dialed his number. Alpha picked after the first signal, he was obviously waiting for your call.

“Where are you now?” he asked directly, his voice is quiet and businesslike.

“Home.”

“Will be there in ten,” and with that he hung up on you.

You exhaled as you understood that you were holding your breath through that painfully short conversation. His humorless attitude let you hope he wouldn’t make it more embarrassing than it already were. You had to hold on for ten more minutes now. Ten more minutes that would be probably the longest in your life.

He didn’t need to knock, you heard his steps as soon as he entered your floor and the door was unlocked even before that. He rushed through the hallway and shut the door behind him with a deafening bang, but fuck it if you cared. His eyes were already bright yellow. He felt your need and his instincts were taking over his self control, just like yours.

You somehow missed the moment when he started kissing you. Maybe you blinked or lost consciousness for a moment because of how heavenly his lips felt on your burning skin. His smell enveloped you and finally, fucking finally, you felt your shudder slowing down.

“Could smell you from two blocks away,” he was humming in between heated kisses, all tongues and teeth, your back pressed to your door, his lips slipping on your jaw. “You must be suffering. My poor omega, took you quite some time.”

And that moment, whimpering from just his lips, you realised.

“Name,” you moaned in his ear.

“What?” he whispered, trying to focus on your face. You took the opportunity to dig your teeth in his lower lip, so plump and so red already.

“Your name,” you said again, a moment or a century later, when he lowered his head to your collarbones. “I still don’t know your name.”

You felt his chuckle on your skin, his breath burning you to the bones. He looked  at you face again, then, not dropping the eye contact, he pushed your legs apart with his thigh and basically lowerer you on it. You cried out and closed your eyes, bright flashes flicker under your eyelids.

“Big bad alpha would do, love,” he mused.

You opened your eyes to meet his cocky smile. You shook your head, subtly grinding on his thigh. “I’m not calling you this,” you said stubbornly. You may have been ready to fall at his feet, but you weren’t boosting his ego with calling him that.

He smirked at you, “We’ll see about this when I fuck you nice and deep.”

And to that you could just sob, cause that was basically the only thing you needed right now.

He looked around your living room fast, picked you up with “I got you, love,” and in the next moment you found yourself bent over your own couch. His hands caressed your hips for a second and then picked on your sleeping shorts and pulled them down. The air was cooling your heat down, but it only added to your torture. He didn’t try to touch you or go with any other kind of foreplay. He knew you ached for him. No time wasted, he just took his dick out and entered you.

You choke on the sensation. It hurt and stretched you so much, but also was the best damn feeling in the world. He gave you literally a moment to get used to him and then he went hard. Each thrust was pushing him deeper inside you, where you were burning with your lust. He leaned on the headrest, his hands on both sides of you, not holding you anymore, the only contact between your bodies where he was sinking down into you. The sofa started to move forward with every his movement, making him laugh shortly. You felt your feet slip on the floor and alpha moved one hand back on you waist to pine you down and not let you fall. Not like you’d care much if you did fall. At this point you weren’t sure if you’d even notice, all your senses centred on his dick inside your core. You were moaning yes’s and fuck’s at his every move, it felt better than any sex you’d had before. The only thing you needed now, was to cum. Alpha bent lower, his breath blaze your ear.

“Come on, love,” he whispered, pushing inside harder and harder every time. “Been waiting for so long, just let go now.”

He dropped his head on your shoulder, his chest pressed to your back. You felt vibrations of his low roars with your spine, feeling so intimate and so intense. He sensed how close you were, turned his head and started sucking under you ear. He remembered how you were moaning the previous time from his kisses there. And this time it only made you whine louder. You couldn’t hold it back anymore, you felt the climax bursting up inside you. The heat was burning all your other feelings down. You were finally cumming, forgetting everything. There was only your alpha left in the world. Only him and the sensation he was giving to you.

You were bubbling something uncontrollably, feeling tears in your eyes, moving your hips, trying to ride your high on his dick. You felt his laugh and then he stood up and slid out of you, making you sob.

“I know you wanna ride it out, but I haven’t finished with you yet,” he said, as he picked you up. Yes, he was an alpha and so he was extremely strong, but when he was lifting you like you weighed nothing at all you were almost losing it right there.

“Bedroom is that door,” you snorted, seeing him moving to the bathroom door.

He easily maneuvered, lightly kicked the door open and, crossing the room in two big steps, carefully lowered you down.

“Take off your shirt,” he asked, but not ordered, while getting out of his own clothes.

You happily obliged. You were pretty sure you’d take off your skin if he’d asked you to. He took your naked body in as he freed from his own shirt. You almost moaned from the way he was looking at you. Until his sight stumbled at a thin claw scar on your side. It was the first time he saw your naked body in a daylight. You took he didn’t remember that detail from the first night you spent together. You could feel the question form in his head, but you didn’t have time for that, not now, not while you were still aching for him.

You sat up and pulled on his open jeans, taking them down along with his boxers. He bent to take his shoes off and caught your lips with his lips, as he was done with them. He moved you further on the bed, his lips and hands not leaving your body for a moment. You were clenching on his shoulders, basically hanging on him. His body felt so hard yet so soft at the same time. Muscles shift under his dark skin as he moved you even closer to him. You were kissing feverishly, like you both were dying from thirst and your lips were the only source of water. You were drinking each other, breathing each other, not stopping, not letting go for a moment, your bodies fitting each other perfectly. You felt your eyes filling with tears again. In this moment everything was like it was supposed to be, and you finally were right where you were supposed to be. Your whole life you were searching for this, you were born for this. And now you were fulfilling your destiny.

Alpha lowered you back down on the pillows, clenching on your waist and was holding your pelvis on the same level with his crotch. He bent to you again to steal another kiss and you felt his dick at your enter.

“It’s Calum,” he whispered, detaching his lips from yours. You looked at him, puzzled, too deep into the bliss he was sending you to understand what he was talking about. He snorted and explained, “My name. It’s Calum.”

And with that he pulled your waist a little higher and entered you again.

Calum was going slower, taking his time and enjoying each motion. Your deep moan followed his each push. He dropped his head on your chest, his lips finding your nipple a second later, making you cry out at the sensation. His pace soon became too slow for you, but Calum was holding your waist so tight that there was no chance of moving. All you could do was dip your fingers into his dark hair and press it closer to your breasts. You started whining soon, the feeling too much for you, but he was just hiding his smile in your skin. Your walls started clenching around him again, his groan echoed in your insides. He couldn’t hold it much longer after that. His hips moved sloppier each time, his rhythm fastened. He looked up on you with question in his eyes, and you lost it. Him bending over you, that big bad alpha, and asking for your permission was so intoxicating, you couldn’t hold it any longer. A short nod was the last thing you managed to do before your world exploded and fell into glittery pieces around your shaking in pleasure body. And when you thought nothing could possibly top that, you felt your alpha cum inside you. The pleasure was too much, and with his guttural roar you let go of this world and let the darkness consume you.

***

“Alpha?”

That was the first word leaving you as you came back to this world. You shifted, finding out with the surprise you were lying on your front, your sheets covering you up to your waist. You opened your eyes lazily. Calum was lying on his side next to you, watching you with such softness in his eyes, you felt an urge to die for him right that moment. Thankfully, there was no need.

“Told you, you’d call me that,” he mocked, stroking your hair.

You closed your eyes again, smiling at his remark. You weren’t ready to leave your heaven yet, so you just inhaled deep, basking in the feeling of his tender touch. His hand slipped further, his fingertips caressing the skin of your back. He found deep bite marks under your right shoulder blade.

“Where are these from?” he asked you, his voice half whisper.

You frowned. The memory of that awful night popping up in your mind at the first call.

“Long story,” you said. You definitely didn’t want to speak about that now, not when you felt like that.

You turned on your side and moved closer to him, hiding your face on his chest and clasping your arms around his torso. His arms nestled around your much smaller frame, snuggling you even closer. He smelled of home. Not the one you left so many moons before, but the one you were supposed to find one day, the one that was waiting for you since you came to this life. And he also smelled of something you never even dreamed to find. He smelled of happiness.

“You know what’s going on with you, right?” he asked an eternity later.

You frowned, knowing full well where he was going with this talk.

“You’re an omega,” he said when you didn’t answer anything. “You’ve been in a heat at least once before, so…”

“I’ve been in a heat just once,” you answered bitterly. You looked up at him, his eyes still as soft as they were. Yours were spiky, you were wounded by his remark.

“Well, I’m flattered,” he said and kissed your forehead. “I didn’t mean it that way, love, trust me. I just-,” he paused in search for the better words. “You must know what’s going on.”

Of course you knew. You were scared of it since you ascended. You lived your life threatened by the idea of this day coming. You closed your eyes and shook your head.

“Don’t say it,” you pleaded in a dreadful whisper.

“Whether I say it or not, it won’t change it,” he answered with a sigh. “You can’t run from it. You’ve tried already.”

“Not sure about that, I’m pretty fast.”

He let out a short laugh. “Yeah, I’ve seen.”

You looked at him again, now only sadness in your eyes. “You don’t know what you’re asking me about. I’m the worst candidate ever to be an alpha’s mate.”

You got out of his embrace, stood up from the bed and went out on a small balcony your flat had, throwing a satin gown over your naked body. You weren’t trying to escape him, you just really didn’t want to argue with him. And you would argue, you felt it. He was obviously just as stubborn as you were, he wouldn’t let it go.

You heard the door open behind you and felt the anger rise inside you. Couldn’t he let you breathe for a moment at least? Did he understand you weren’t in the mood to discuss it? You sighed quietly, your mind rushing in search for the better words for all the arguments why you shouldn’t have been his mate, why you shouldn’t have been anyone’s mate for that matter, why you shouldn’t have been an omega in the first place. He wanted an argument, he would get one, you decided, lining up your reasonings.

What you haven’t expected was him coming up to you silently and kissing on your neck. You leaned back on his shoulder a little, moaning at the sweetest feeling. His hands were all over your body, palming and gripping and stroking on your curves. His left hand slithered under your robe and clutched on your right breast, you whimpered on the feeling. His lips were still assaulting your neck. You relished in the sensations, your body completely under his control. You felt his right hand caressing your hip under the soft material, his slightly calloused fingers so tender on your skin. Your slit clenched in pure anticipation, juices slowly leaking out of you.

“Widen your legs,” he whispered as his hand slid lower.

You obeyed, aching for his touch again. You knew it was the heat messing with your head and reactions, but you couldn’t deny how much power he had over your body. Calum hissed through his teeth as his fingers touched your wet folds.

“Look how you’re dripping for me,” he mused in your ear, his fingers stroking through your folds, lightly touching your clit. “Can’t have enough of it, can you?”

You exhaled loudly, your eyes shut and your hands gripping on the balcony railings. “No, alpha, need more,” you confessed, him squeezing on your breast harder at your words. “Please, give me more.”

He chuckled, as his finger stopped at your clit. You felt him pressing on a sensitive nub a little and then he went faster, rubbing it in circles. His lips went back on your neck, leaving a hickey after hickey. Your legs started to shake from this simple stimulation, the pleasure building up inside with the highest speed. You felt Calum’s greedy smile on your skin. The next moment you forgot how to breathe as he pushed a finger inside you. He curled it up, massaging on your trembling walls, and you cried out.

“Keep quiet, love,” he whispered into your neck. “Don’t wanna attract your neighbours.”

You didn’t give a fuck about your neighbours, but bit on your lower lip nonetheless, not ready to disobey. Not when he was pushing the second finger inside you. Calum wasn’t rushing it, his fingers going in a steady rhythm, each movement carefully planned. His every motion was putting you higher. Soon you were grinding on his hand yourself, trying to get his fingers deeper. He chuckled at your action.

“Aren’t you a greedy girl?” he mused with a grin.

“I need you deeper,” you sobbed. “Please, Calum, I really need you.”

You didn’t know what it was exactly. Your pleading or the fact that you called him by his name for the first time. But something really got him, as his grip on your breast tightened  even more and he let out a low roar. He pulled his fingers out of your pussy and turned you to the balcony door.

“On the bed, now,” he commanded shortly, giving your ass a light slap.

You didn’t hesitate for a moment. He followed you suit, freeing himself of the sheet he’d wrapped around his hips before following you to the balcony. You sat on the edge of the bed and leaned on your arms to move beck, but Calum shook his head, motioning you to stay where you were.

“Lay down,” he said. You did as you were told, feeling uncomfortable with your feet not actually touching the floor. But he picked up your legs as soon as he reached you and lifted them on his shoulders. You smiled, getting where he was going with it. Calum stroke your legs slowly with his hands, kissed on your shin. “You’ve got gorgeous legs, have I told you?”

“Not yet,” you smiled. You untied your gown belt and let the material slip on the sides, opening your body for his sight.

“You’re such a tease,” Calum smirked, his hand caressing your belly.

“Look who’s speaking,” you answered, covering his hand with yours and pushing it lower, to your aching core. “I still need you deep inside me,” you whispered, looking him right in the eye.

“Too much sass for a little omega,” he chuckled and slipped his dick into you.

You opened your mouth involuntary, the sweetest whimper leaving you, eyes still fixed on his now light-brown orbs. He pulled back and pushed inside you again, this time pushing his cock almost on the full. You choke on your breath, sure he was gonna break you in two and oh so ready for this. Calum grinned at your reaction and started pumping you, his movements harsh and fast. You gripped on your breasts, squeezing your niples and adding some pain to the pleassure. He leaned a little forward, his hands fall to the bed on both sides of you. The new angle set you on fire. His dick was so deep in you, right where you needed it, right where you were burning for him. You closed your eyes, no longer able to maintain eye contact, seeing bright flashes at his every push. You were whimpering loud, forgetting everything in the world, caring only for his dick inside and the low groans he was letting slip from his plump lips. You didn’t know how long you were going like this, the concept of time completely alien for you now, but soon your legs started slipping over his shoulders, covered in sweat. You clenched on his bitsepts, your nails going deep in his flesh and making him hiss through his greeted teeth. You opened your eyes and saw on his face he was close, a fold between his eyebrows showing he was holding out and soon would let go. You couldn’t fight your smile, your chest full of pure happiness just at the realisation of how good you were for your alpha.

“I still can…” he didn’t finish his question, roaring on your pussy clenching around him. “Right?”

“Cum into me, alpha,” you half-begged, half-ordered, stroking his shoulders, “give it all to me.”

He leaned a little more on you and, pushing his dick all the way down you, started to cum. You saw the pleasure on his face, heard his satisfied moans and these set you off, the pleasure bursting out in your abdomen and covering all around in light flashes and complete silence.

Calum let your legs slip from his shoulders and fell on top of you. You hugged him with your arms and legs and let him catch your breath. His big body was crashing you, but it was the sweetest feeling in the world, to have him like that in your arms, panting and gaining his strength back after the pleasure you gave him. You let yourself to dissolve in contentment, letting go of your consciousness. The last thing you remembered from that day, was him whispering you “Sleep, my sweet omega,” as his strong arms were laying you on the pillows.

***

He looked much younger in his sleep. You put your palm under your cheek and kept examining his face. The frown between his eyebrows disappeared, his plump lips weren’t pressed together and looked even bigger and softer. His jaw wasn’t so vivid as he had no reason to clench his teeth in the sleep. He was so relaxed.

You thought how much you didn’t know about him and how much you wanted to learn. Sad thoughts occupied your mind again. Whatever you wanted, there was no chance for the two of you. So the less you knew, the better.

Sweet little moan escaped him, as he rolled on his back and shifted his arms over his head. You looked down his body, getting fast what was bothering him, the prominent bulge showing from under your bed sheets. Well, that you could definitely help him with.

You carefully moved the sheet from him not to wake him up and slid down on the bed, awkwardly trying to fit between his legs. His dick was all the way up and leaking precum already on his toned belly. Must be painful, you though.

You threw one more careful look at him, making sure he was sleeping, and took his dick in your hand. You pumped him couple times, enjoying his length and curving veins. He was so damn beautiful at every part. You sighed and put his head in your mouth, wishing for him to wake up from that and not your hand. You started from sucking just on the head, your tongue occasionally sliding lower. When you heard another moan leaving him, you pushed your head down as far as you could, and hollowed your cheeks on the way back. Your hand was on the base of his dick, massaging on the parts you couldn’t fit inside. You kept bobbing your head, swirling your tongue around the head, when you heard him moaning your name. He lifted his head up and slid his fingers in your hair.

“Shit, baby, yes,” he muttered, his voice sharp and low from the sleep.

You concentrated on the head again, sucking and kissing on it, and looked up at Calum. His eyes were half-open, lust and pleasure in his sight. You smiled at him and licked with your flat tongue all the way down and up again. His hand in your hair twitched a little as you pushed him down your mouth again. You let your tongue lick and swirl all the way, as you relaxed your throat and pushed his dick further. His other hand flew to your hair as he breathed out, “Jesus fucking Christ.”

You gave him two seconds and lifted your head back up to take some air and repeat it all again. He was panting in no time, tugging on your hair and dropping curse words at your every motion. You felt his dick twitching at the base and went back to bobbing your head and simply sucking, as he was close, his hands helping you keep the rhythm.

“Love, I’m gonna cum,” he whispered, letting you know you could stop, if you wanted to. But you didn’t. You lifted your head again and gave his head one last sucking kiss, which was the end of him.

You were slowly kissing on his lower abdomen, as he was coming back from his high. When you heard his breathing coming back to normal, you sat up and innocently smiled to him.

“Good morning, alpha,” you said.

He sat up in one sharp move and pressed you to his chest, kissing you hungrily. You clenched on his shoulders, surprised and flattered by his reaction.

“You’re a devil,” he whispered, letting go of your lips.

You smiled again. “What do you want for breakfast?” you asked, leaving feather like kisses on his cheeks.

“You,” he stated simply. His hands were stroking your neck, examining bruises he left last night.

“No, Calum, you need food,” you argued softly, trying to unclench his arms.

He sighed, letting go of you. “Whatever you wish, then.”

You left him in the bed, the same gown from last night thrown over you. Your kitchen was little, but had everything you needed. You examined the content of your fridge and decided to go with something easy. Quarter of an hour later he came out of your bedroom to the delicious smells of ham and omelette with veggies and freshly brewed coffee. You put a plate on a kitchen counter in front of him, not missing on how mouth-watering did he look in only his navy boxers.

“Where’s your breakfast?” he asked, sitting down and picking up a fork.

“Oh, I’ve had mine already,” you stated with a chuckle and winked at him.

You poured yourself some coffee and leaned on the counter opposite to him. He shook his head and beckoned you to his side. You easily gave in and sat on the chair next to him. Calum smiled to you and put the plate between both of you. He took a mouthful of omelette and handed you his fork. “Eat.”

“I’m really not hungry,” you smiled, drinking your coffee. His next look made you choke on your drink. You obediently took a fork and picked a little piece of ham with the red pepper. “You have a right for the first bite,” you reminded him.

“I also have the right to decide what to do with my first bite.” He took the fork back, snapped another piece of omelette and lifted it to your mouth. His eyes were serious enough for you not to argue this time. Seeing you chew, he also kept eating. When you two finished, you felt a snatch of guilt.

“Should have cooked more,” you said, clearing the counter.

“Oh, I’ve had enough,” Calum hastened to reassure you. Then he grabbed your wrist and pulled you closer to him, devilish smile on his face. “Now I want my dessert.”

He easily picked you up and sat on the counter, where minutes ago stood the plate and your cups. He pushed your legs apart, his lips on your lips already. You didn’t waste any time shoving your hand in his boxers and palming his already hard dick. Was he always so fast up or was it your heat messing with his reactions too? Whatever the answer was, next moment you forgot even about the question, as he threw your gown open and his lips started their way down to Calum’s dessert.

***

You two were lounging on the bed. It was late in the evening, you were naked and clenching on each other.

Calum spent the whole day in your apartment. After heated sex on the kitchen counter and rather passionate shower together, you settled on the couch in front of the tv. No one cared about what was showing, too busy with your make out sessions and slow loving on each other. When things got heated again, you moved back to the bedroom. And now, one round later, you were just lying on his chest listening to his heartbeat and trying to breathe in unison.

“Tell me something,” he asked softly.

You looked up at him, frowning a little. “What do you want me to tell?”

“Anything. Tell me about your family. Or where did you get those scars,” his hand hovered over your shoulder blades, his fingers caressed your bite marks. “Or why do you say you’re worst omega ever,” he sighed at that. “I just wanna know.”

You moved up from him, rolled on your front and pushed a pillow under you, clasping on it with your arms. You settled and looked him in the eye. “I thought, you knew everything about me,” you mocked him, remembering what he said to you at your meeting in the bar.

He also moved to lie on his stomach, making sure his face was the same level with yours. He didn’t answer anything to your mocking, just looked back at you, his eyes soft, but demanding. You inhaled deeply, lowered your sight to his shoulder and tried to imagine, what could you start that story with.

“My father was, and I assume, still is the alpha of the biggest pack of the north of the country,” you said, feeling his mood shift with his surprise. You knew he got what pack you were talking about. You knew he didn’t expect that.

“The Lakes pack?” he decided to check his guess.

You hummed in agreement. The Lakes… You hadn’t seen them in almost ten years and there wasn’t a day you weren’t missing them.

Calum whistled at your confirmation. “So you’re saying you’re a wolf royalty?”

You rolled your eyes. Little did he knew about real life in your family. You swallowed and went with your story. “Our bloodline were alphas of that pack for decades, if not centuries. And we only ever had boys. I was the first girl to be born in our family for as long as people could remember. Although, when I was born, my father already had a son, so no matter how surprising was the fact that I happened to be a girl, it didn’t actually change anything. Dad had his male heir, pack could be sure in the safe future. I think we were the only pack which survived for so long with the inherited alpha position, it’s so unnatural for our kind. But, we’re also the creatures of habit and tradition. And that was our tradition, so,” you broke for a moment. “I guess, it was really lucky all generations of my family were producing alphas. The younger sons always stayed as pure bloods to protect the family. None of the wolves from my bloodline has ever left the pack. I was the first.”

“How did it happen?” Calum asked quietly when you didn’t continue after some time.

You sighed again. You succeeded in keeping those memories buried deep down your soul for so long, that digging them up now was really painful.

“As I said, we only ever produced alphas. So, when I was born, my father was pretty certain I’d become a pure blood, the right hand to my brother, who, when time comes, will replace my father. I don’t remember my mom at all. I’ve seen her only in photos. She died when I was about three.”

“Do you know what happened to her?”

You felt a lonely tear stream down your cheek, as you shook your head. “My dad never spoke to me about her. Not once. It was a taboo topic in the pack. There was a moment in my early teen years, when I got really curious and started asking questions. But I learned pretty fast, that wasn’t a winning strategy.”

“I’m sorry you never knew her,” Calum said softly, his hand slid back on your body, just to remind you were not alone now.

“Yeah, well, at least she didn’t have to live with my dad, so, I guess, she was lucky anyway,” you shrugged. “I was brought up the way all the boys in the family were. My whole childhood was filled with trainings and fights. If I wasn’t at school, I was probably learning to hunt, or fighting with other future pure bloods, or doing any other shit me father believed I  had to learn to do in order to protect the name of the family. That was the most important, the name of the family, never the family itself,” you inhaled, taking a pause before continuing. “I never questioned what my father was doing to me. When I was little, it was just the fun game. I mean, I had to explore woods and hills with our best hunters instead of learning maths. What kid wouldn’t prefer that? But later things got weird. My brother… you see, he never really was serious about things. He was petty and reckless and arrogant. Too arrogant even for the alpha,” you smirked at that. “No offence though.”

“None taken,” Calum assured you. His hand was gently stroking your waist.

“He’s two years older than me, I think, I didn’t mention,” you huffed. “So, cutting it short, by the time he ascended and, of course, happened to be an alpha,everyone understood he would never be a good leader to the pack. I was fifteen, when it happened. And since then my trainings only intensified. Even more, my father started taking me to meetings and his talks to elder wolves. I wasn’t getting what was going on until I heard one talk between my father and his closest pure blood. They were talking about how the pack needed a better alpha,” you closed your eyes, reminiscing on one of the scariest moments of your life. “They wanted me to kill my brother, Calum. My father wanted me to kill his older son and took his place as soon as I ascend. He even said, I would have had no trouble doing it with how useless my brother was.”

You felt Calum’s hand go harder on your back, trying to reassure you, to calm you down. He didn’t hear the best parts yet, though.

“It was a month before my eighteenth birthday. I cried in pure shock the whole night after that. I think, emotions set the process. I ascended the next morning, during the breakfast. It was only me and my father in the dining room that day. Have no idea, where my brother was. Dad understood everything from the beginning. He sent me up to my bedroom, to go crazy alone, as I thought at the start. I had no idea what was happening, hands were shaking, temperature rising, I was seeing red. Well, you’re an alpha, you know what’s an omega ascending like. It hits you with your first ever heat like a truck with no warning. Half an hour later one of young pure bloods knocked on my bedroom door. He was one of the wolves I was training all my life with. He was a fellow friend. But at that moment I saw only a mature enough wolf in him. As I understood later, my father brought him to help me go through the heat. We didn’t leave my room for three days before it finished. It was pure madness, and what made everything worse for me, I never learned a single thing about the heat before. My father couldn’t even think there was a chance for me to end up an omega. I knew the theory, but no one ever instructed me on what to do. And also, I forgot to say, that was actually my first sex ever,” your alpha hissed at that, but you decided to ignore his reactions, at least for now. “The short times we weren’t fucking, I was so unresponsive out of pure shock, you could think I was in a kind of trance. Matt, that wolf, he couldn’t look at me after that,” you swallowed your tears. “You know who could actually look at me? My father. The first evening he saw me after ascending, he looked at me like I betrayed him, like it was all my doing. He looked at me, said he’d never thought he’d be disgraced to have a whore as a daughter, and left the house.”

Calum moved closer to you, his lips attached to your shoulder. “I’m sorry, love, I’m so so sorry.”

“Oh, wait till you hear the best part,” you let out a humourless laugh. “That night I decided to leave the pack. We were wealthy, I had some money, a car, no idea what to do and where to go, but, like, that wasn’t stopping me. So I packed what I thought was the most important and left the house after everyone went to sleep. Well, i thought, they went to sleep. My brother waited for me in front of the house. I have no idea, how exactly, but he found out my father’s now broken plans about his two children and, of course, he decided to kill me first. Even though I was no threat to him anymore. The scars you see, it was him. I refused to fight him, was crying and begging him not to, but he shifted into a wolf. My dad went out of house to the noise. He looked at us, I was lying on the ground, crying and wounded, my own brother in his wolf shape biting on my back. I was covered in my own blood. I thought he would do something, thought he wouldn’t let his only children rip each other’s throats. But he just looked at us and went back into the house, like saying, he didn’t care what would happen to any of us.

“I got so angry. I’ve never been that angry in my entire life. So I shifted. I think, my brother was surprised. He though, after I ascended I somehow gained the obedience of a typical omega and would never attack an alpha. But, as you already know, that’s not what happened. I fought him back and knocked him out, which wasn’t so difficult. I was fighting him since we were little kids, I knew all his tricks and flaws. I made sure he wasn’t in a state to follow me, shifted back, got in a car and never went back.”

You kept feeling Calum’s lips on your shoulder, his kisses soft and loving. He lifted his body up to linger over you, his lips moving to your other shoulder. You felt your heartbeat, risen at the unpleasant memories, starting to calm down. You closed your eyes, shoving the pictures of your past back where you kept them for so long, trying to relax, drinking in your alpha’s scent, letting yourself forget there were any other wolves or men besides the two of you in the world.

His kisses went lower, drawing heated patterns on your back, covering each part of your skin. When he finished with your back, he kept kissing your ass and then legs. He went all the way down, caressing your one leg with his hands, while kissing on the other. He then moved you on your back and went back all the way up the front of your legs. He went around your core, not bothering it. He wasn’t trying to turn you on with those kisses, his only agenda was loving on you, showering you in his warmth and care. Your fingers slipped in his hair, you were smiling at him.

“These are actually nice,” you whispered, tugging on his dark curls genly.

“Anything for you, love,” he whispered back, kissing on your belly.

By the time he finally reached your lips, you were panting hard from the desire. You couldn’t control your feelings to him, nor physical, neither emotional. You were so enamoured by him, his actions, his reactions to you. You enfolded your arms and legs around his torso, pressing him more into you, like you were trying to merge your two bodies into one. This kiss wasn’t rushed or rough, but somehow it was the most passionate one you’d had so far. You weren’t satisfying your animalistic need for him, he wasn’t claiming his right for you. This moment you were just loving each other.

He didn’t need much time to slip into you again, you sobbed at the feeling, too sensitive after all the sex you’d had before. He noticed that along with your wince.

“I can…” he started, moving from you, “we don’t need to.”

You only tightened your grip around him. “No, Calum, need you.”

And he obeyed. One word from you and your big bad alpha was at your command. You said you needed him, he let you have him. He gave you some time to adjust, his head buried in the crook of your neck, his heavy breathing blazing on your skin. And then he started moving. He raised his head up, his eyes glued to your eyes. His pushes were slow, going full length deep. You were whimpering in synch, not letting your eyes close. You needed him to see you that moment, all of you down to your deepest secrets. You needed to see what he was doing to you, what he meant to you this moment. His eyes were glowing yellow, reflecting your bright blue ones. He wasn’t having sex to your body this time, he was making love to your soul. You felt your eyes filling with tears again and broke the contact, only to feel him kissing on your cheeks, collecting your tears with his lips, not letting you spill any of them. You felt your high build up soon, the wall of it towering over you as his movements got sloppier. You started to clasp your legs around his torso on the feeling, hardly able to stay in consciousness any longer.

“Look at me,” he asked you and you opened your eyes.

That was the last drop for you both. You managed to deal with the crashing feelings inside, but seeing them reflecting in each other’s eyes set you both over the top. You cum around him, crying his name out, feeling him loading you with his own cum, the sounds he was making this moment the most beautiful you’d ever heard in your life.

***

You were standing in your kitchen, nursing the cup of black coffee. You were waiting for Calum to wake up and dreading that moment. Your heart was heavy with what you had to do, but your will was never as strong.

You heard his phone vibrate on your night table. He shifted, disturbed by the sound, but to the time Calum finally sat up in bed, whoever was calling him, stopped. You heard Calum stretch his shoulders and pick up the phone. Not ten seconds later you heard his voice.

“Yeah, Ash, what?” he made a pause after that, probably listening to the explanations that Ash, whoever that was, was giving him. “Can’t you deal with it yourself? Told you I’m off limits this weekend,” he huffed in dismay. You knew the face he had right now and shook your head. How come you learned all that about him in just a day and a half. “Well, that’s important too.” He paused again. You felt your stupid heart pick up it’s pace at realisation that Calum was postponing some of his business to be with you while you were in heat. “Shit,” he hissed. “Alright, alright, I got it. I’ll be in… shit, honestly, no idea how fast. But I’ll come, okay?.. Yeah, see you there.”

You took it he hung up. You listened to him stand up and collect his clothes from the floor, where it was lying since Friday afternoon. He appeared couple minutes later, his eyes scanning the living room in search for you. You cleared your throat and he turned to you. You saw that again, the same softness and adoration in his look you saw last night. But all this drowned really fast at his realisation. You liked it, how fast he picked up on your mood and on what you were thinking. Whatever it was, heat or not, the understanding you two had was incredible.

“I need to go deal with some stuff,” he stated simply.

“Yeah, I’ve heard,” you admitted, trying to look anywhere but him.

“I was about to say I’ll be back as fast as I can, but I take it…”

“Yeah, no need to worry about it anymore,” you interrupted him. “The heat is over.”

You swallowed, feeling his eyes scanning your face.

“Thank you for everything, but, I guess, now you can fully get back to your life.”

You heard him swallow. You could feel he was angry. You didn’t know how you felt it without even seeing his face, but you did.

“Look at me,” he asked.

“Calum, seriously, I think it would be better for the two of us…”

“Look at me!”

You couldn’t fight the direct order. His eyes were dark, almost black. Pain and fury splashing in them.

“It wasn’t about your heat,” he said. “Your heat was the symptom, not the reason.”

You shook your head, silently begging for him not to say it out loud. But he didn’t listen to you this time.

“We’re mates.”

“No, we aren’t! That was just stupid wolf physiology. We were acting on our instinct and only!” you exclaimed.

“Damn it, can you just stop fucking fight it?” he shouted back at you. “Last night wasn’t an instinct! We’re not an instinct!”

“There is no we, Calum,” you felt tears stream down your face.

“If there’s no we, then what are you crying about?” he asked in a surprisingly soft voice. You tried to look away, tried to close your eyes, at least for a moment. But you couldn’t free from his command. “What are you crying about, love?”

“I’m not your love,” you shrugged in disagreement, you eyes giving you away no matter what you were saying. “I’m not your love and never will be,” you repeated trying to convince yourself rather than him. “I’ll never be your mate, Calum, and there’s no happily ever after for us. I won’t obey you, I won’t follow you, I will never become an omega you need. I was raised to rule a pack, not kneel to one man. I wasn’t meant for that life, I just can’t. No matter how hard I’ll try, I will only make you unhappy. And I can’t,” you sobbed, “I can’t make you suffer with me, Calum.”

He sighed, looking at his feet and rubbing his chin.

“Just go, Calum,” you pleaded. “Just go, and forget me, please.”

“I can make you be mine,” he said, his voice careful, like he wasn’t completely sure in what he was saying.

You chuckled through your tears. You knew he would never do that. No to you and not to himself. “You can order me to stay by your side, but you can’t order us to be happy. Your command doesn’t work like that, alpha.”

He looked back at you, no anger in his eyes anymore. He looked betrayed and beaten. You felt your heart clench with pain. You hated yourself for what you were doing to him. But you couldn’t bear the thought of staying with him and making him regret it for the rest of his life.

He sighed again. “I’ll go now,” he finally said. “But I’ll be back as you’re ready for us.”

“Calum, I’m serious…”

“No,” he shook his head stubbornly. “You can try to fight it or run away from it, but you’ll get it. No matter how much time you’ll need, it’ll be my way. You will be mine.”

He put on his jacket and stepped to the door. Then he stopped and looked back like he forgot something. “One more thing, you’re prohibited to leave the town,” he ordered you and left your apartment.

You felt your tears break all the dams inside and flow out of you. You sank on the floor and curled up, clasping on your knees. You had no idea what you were going to do. You wished you rather die than doom him for the rest of his life with you. And you were ready to die without him.

You guessed, dying was the only option left for you.

***

Taglist: @myloverboyash, @bringmethehorizonandpizza, @calumamongmen, @5saucewho, @madformichael, @c-h-i-l, @woahitsannerieke, @rotten-kandy

Also tagging some mutuals and people who requested for the second part in comments (IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE TAGGED JUST LMK AND ALSO FEEL FREE TO IGNORE): @angelbabylu, @i-calumhood, @calpops, @singt0mecalum, @rip-lukes-balsamic, @gorgeouslygrace, @inspirationcal, @calumfmu, @megz1985, @ficrec5sos, @toohardto-forget, @lockthisheartinchains, @imaginirwin, @josie-elizabeth, @danique001, @itsmeempar

[secretlyatargaryen]

July 2019 Reviews

Games

Walden, a game - A delightful experience for those who love games and literature and the idea of them together. The best parts of the game are the quotes from Thoreau's book that appear on the screen when you examine something closely, like a fox or a maple tree, complete with great voice acting. The ecological detail put into the game is impressive. The worst part is that the game mechanics for completing tasks are clunky and there is very little time each day before the game forces you to go to sleep and begin the next day, and your hunger, fuel, and shelter meter always seems to be low, causing you to spend the majority of your daylight hours picking berries and collecting firewood. I get that this is supposed to mirror the experience of "living simply," but 1) it is boringly repetitive and if anything calls to mind the irony of “being one with nature” in a computer game and 2) there are a lot of other interesting things to do in the game which you do not have enough time to do, such as helping escaped slaves on their way to the underground railroad. I learned playing this game that Henry David Thoreau was basically every guy I met in college who hated the government and whose solution to its atrocities was to fuck off into the woods and smoke pot instead of actually doing anything about it. This analogy is completed by the fact that you are able to go into town and get food and clean laundry from your parents' house if you get too low on those things.

Black Mirror (2017) - No, not the Netflix series. This is a re-imagining of the Black Mirror series of adventure games developed in the early 2000s. The original game is considered a classic of point and click adventures but suffers from an unoriginal plot (obligatory part where I once again complain about horror games and their obsession with "Surprise! You're crazy! Dead women!") and the unfortunateness of early 3D polygon graphics. The second and third game took the series in a completely new and original direction and were quite good, so while I had never heard of the remake before I came across it during the steam summer sale, I was cautiously hopeful. Even if it was trash, it's just the kind of gothic-mystery-exploring-a-haunted-castle trash that I like to throw my money at. The gameplay is pretty fun (minus some quick time events where you can get killed by ghosts mostly by failing to operate the somewhat clunky controls - the game was originally ported for PS4) and the story is original but also expands upon the series mythos. An enjoyable trashy gothic yarn, although the story also felt incomplete, even to someone who has played the original games, and was both wrapped up too quickly and left weirdly unresolved.

Books

Greenglass House, Kate Milford - I started this book a while ago and it’s been on my radar for a while, and I restarted it again when I heard it was going to be on this year’s BOB list. A fun young adult adventure story which utilizes one of my favorite mystery tropes, the closed circle. The story is that preteen Milo lives in the eponymous house, which his family runs as an inn. The house used to be a meeting place for smugglers back in the day, which means there’s buried treasure somewhere in the house, and when the story starts a slew of guests arrive at the house and are stranded by a snowstorm, when things start getting mysterious. Someone in the house is a thief! I really like this book and the way that the story’s original folklore is woven into the plot. There are also several dungeons and dragons elements that play a role in the plot - to solve the mystery, Milo and his friend Meddy pretend to be characters in a role-playing game, and I love the way the story makes connections between games, stories, and language, since that happens to align with my interests.

Serafina and the Black Cloak, Robert Beatty - Another BOB book, this one also has been on my radar for a while because the series is very popular among my students, and when I went to Beatty’s website recently I saw that Disney had already put their name on it, lol. What I didn’t know was that the series takes place in my state. The setting is the Biltmore Estate in the late 1800s, and the story is a historical fantasy that utilizes some of the local folklore in some really interesting ways, although it’s more fantasy than historical. An enjoyable read with an interesting female protagonist.

Movies

Ready Player One - I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I thought I would. I had heard going into it that it was not a great adaptation from friends who loved the book, which I haven’t read. That might be why I did enjoyed it so much. I don’t think it’s anything that memorable, but it is enjoyable. I can see why the book became so popular, although I’ve read books with similar storylines. I guess a book like this is more relevant nowadays with the popularity of VR in the modern gaming market, but the story relied on some tired cliches nonetheless. I also was a bit annoyed when the story acknowledged the issue with the main character falling for Artemis’ idealistically beautiful avatar without really knowing her...and then had her turn out to be stunningly gorgeous in real life. Okay, she had a wine-stain disfigurement on her face, but she was still traditionally beautiful, and the main character gets to be with her in the end while meanwhile, his actual best friend, who turns out to be an unfeminine black girl in real life and who obviously has a crush on him, is left behind.

Picnic At Hanging Rock - I come across this movie on gothic film recommendation lists every so often and have wanted to watch it for years, and I happened to find it on youtube, which surprised me. The original movie is from 1975 and is a cult classic for a reason. Stunning visuals and a story that leaves you confused in the just the right way. After watching it, I was itching to learn more and came across last year’s amazon prime series with Natalie Dormer and watched all six episodes, and although the series was enjoyable and a good extension for anyone who enjoys the original movie, it does not have the charm or brilliance of the original. The series expands on the story, but part of the beauty of the original movie is the way the story is told in what isn’t said, and in carefully choreographed scenes where nobody on screen says a word. I can see why the movie is called “gothic” as it has some of the trappings of the genre. It takes place in 1900 at a remote and mysterious boarding school in Australia. Three girls vanish during a school field trip, seemingly without a trace. What happened to them may have been supernatural. Or they may have been murdered, kidnapped, or run off on their own. Also, I’m pretty sure everyone is gay.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle - I’m a huge fan of the Shirley Jackson novel which this movie is an adaptation of, and unlike Netflix’s The Haunting of Hill House, this movie is actually a fairly straight adaptation of the novel. The movie captures the gothic feel of the book as well as the anxiety about gender and class from which it gets its themes, and there are solid performances all around, but the movie does seem a bit devoid of a life of its own. Despite, and possibly because of, the voice-over narration, Merricat never really comes alive as a character the way she does in the book. This is, I think, a problem with a lot of book to movie adaptations that rely on voice-overs to tell the story. I can see the appeal of this, especially with a book like this which is both heavily steeped in POV and characterized by an unreliable narrator, but I found myself really wishing the movie would just let itself tell the story rather than the narrator.

Shows

American Gods - I watched all of season two on the starz website except for the finale, which I was told that I needed to upgrade by account to watch, so if you are watching on the website or the app be aware of that. I enjoyed season two, although it lacked some of the urgency of the first season. I do enjoy some of the adaptational choices made that update the novel a bit, such as having Technology be outsourced by New Media. Also, season two saw the arrival of my daughter, Sam Black Crow. I’m also looking forward to the Lakeside subplot next season (I assume) as it’s my favorite part of the novel.

Stranger Things - I watched the first four episodes of season one when it came out, and then for some reason never finished it. I know, I know. It didn’t take me very long to watch all three seasons, which I sort of interpreted as one as a result, although I do think there’s a drop in quality somewhere in the second/third season, but overall it’s a fun show that definitely kept me interested and invested in the characters. Also, every scene relating to the upside down motivated me to clean my bathroom.

[bbclesmis]

Composer John Murphy on Creating A New Musical Identity for ‘Les Miserables’

John Murphy returns from a personal hiatus to score PBS Masterpiece and BBC’s adaptation of Victor Hugo’s classic novel.

When you hear the title Les Miserables, you automatically think of the bombastic and overly played Broadway musical that came to a city near you. Or you saw the film adaptation that won Anne Hathaway her first Oscar a few years back. Since it debuted over 3 decades ago, Les Miserables has won the hearts of millions around the world. John Murphy, however, isn’t really a fan.

You’ve heard the music of John Murphy but you may not know it. I had no idea that he was the man who created that jolting music behind the opening sequence of 28 Weeks Later, and he also composed the lyrical and epic sound to Danny Boyle’s Sunshine (not only an underrated film, but an underrated score).

After taking a personal hiatus to focus on family and his personal life, Murphy wanted to jump back into scoring something completely different. If you look at his resume (you can sample his music here), there isn’t anything like Les Miserables on it. This is a classic tale of redemption with a sprawling scope and massive cast, and that wasn’t lost on Muphy. The score shows a huge amount of range, and he really digs into the minds of the characters. One moment the minds of Jean Valjean and Javert are amplified by the incessant plinking of simple piano strings and the next we are witnessing the horrors of Fantine literally selling her body for the sake of her child.

It’s a familiar story, for sure, but the execution is sophisticated and smart. The music is classic and enthralling in a way that a staged musical never could be.

You haven’t done a big project like this in a long time. Why return from your hiatus with Les Miserables?

I had enough of the movies, to be honest with you. I wanted to spend time with my kids. The spark had gone from me, and I felt that I was going through the motions. I wanted to feel like a human being again. When I decided that I was going to come back, I went in to see my agent, and we sat down to figure out what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to pick up right where I left off—with the wall of the sound, post apocalyptic sort of edgy thing I was getting known for. I wanted to do something a bit more grown up with more weight. I wanted something with gravity. A few days later, my agent said there was interest in my doing Les Miserables. I just cracked up, because, of course, I was thinking of the musical.

I do think that’s everyone’s immediate thought.

I hate musicals. I told my agent that I’d be the worst person for that—I’d mess it up. When he told me it was the book, something clicked. I remember that I read the book years ago. I used to tour a lot, and every time I was on the bus, I’d take a big stack of books. On a tour through France, I read Les Miserables. I loved it. I’ve never seen the musical, and I never want to—it’ll ruin it for me. It’s got everything. It’s got these dark characters wrestling with demons, good versus evil, death, betrayal. When I found out that it was going to be a 6 part adaptation and that it was going to be written by Andre Davies—who did the last War & Peace series—I knew I had to do it.

I had a Skype interview with the producers and the director, Tom Shankand. He was so passionate that I knew he was the real deal. He wanted to go back into the Victor Hugo book. It’s like a French Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Part of what Hugo was trying to do was let the world know of how these people were suffering. He was a brilliant man. He was trying to change legislation—he was a real champion of the poor. Tom wanted to get back to what the story was about and keep it raw. I was sold. A week later I was lucky enough to sit in a read through with the actors. Normally, I get brought onto a movie and they’ve practically finish the cut. It was interesting because they hadn’t even started filming yet.

Oh wow.

Yeah, I got to sit in and listen to their inflections the first time they were reading through it. There were ideas straight away. Lily Collins is this tiny thing, so that vulnerability was there immediately. I got to see Dominic—this huge guy. It was very inspiring. When I came onto it, I thought they weren’t going to start shooting for another 2 or 3 weeks, so I thought I’d have 6 months to wait for it. Then Tom and producers told me they wanted songs written, and I was like…hold on, what do you mean songs. There are these little songs and piano pieces in Hugo’s novel. They asked me if I wanted to do it, and I told them that I had never written anything before they started shooting ever. So I had 3 or 4 weeks writing these things.

With sitting in on that first reading, did it feel like the music could change with the characterizations or maybe that it would even help build the characters? I’ve never heard of a composer getting to see that so early.

Neither have I! With these great actors, it was amazing to see them. With David Oyelowo, you could see the posture he adopted—just reading it aloud. And I thought to myself, “That’s not natural.” There were all these different things I was watching—with him especially. When you’re composing in a medium that you already know about, you’ve got to make the distinction that you’re not scoring the book. You’re scoring this new retelling of the story. You have to be sensitive to what this new version is going to me. So, for me, watching David to his read through, he did a very quiet, controlled voice. It was different than the book. The same with Dominic. Dominic was a lot warmer with his Valjean than I remember the character being. I was putting notes in my phone and a lot of the things I felt that day helped me later on.

Once they started shooting, I just faded back to LA, and I was on my own. Just being there that day and cross referencing that with the scripts allowed me to write most of the scenes before they dropped the first episode with me. I got a real head start. I couldn’t write anything to picture, obviously, but by the time they gave me the first episode made such a big difference. I was lucky that when I agreed to do it, the read through was 5 days later. It was an amazing experience.

The miniseries has such beloved characters—whether you’re familiar with the book or the musical. Was there someone you really liked writing themes or motifs for?

It’s obviously to say the two main characters, but for them that was the biggest well. And it’s not just character scenes. I think some of my favorite things in there were the hulks scenes. I wanted to have something that felt utterly repetitive. What would be the repetitive sound of nothingness of this guy’s life? I ended up climbing inside the piano and muted some strings and was tapping one of the low piano strings with my finger to get this “dun…dun…dun…” It was this annoyingly repetitious thing that is so uncomfortable because you’re waiting for the chord to change. And it kind of doesn’t for ages. His biggest fear is getting caught. As soon as Javert sees him again at the factory you hear very quietly the “dun…dun…dun…”  I was trying to do the John Williams thing with Jaws. If he can do it with two notes, I wanted to do it with one. I thought it was a way to be effective without being necessarily musical. It’s not necessarily the character themes, but it’s the situational themes.

That repetitiveness feeds into Javert’s obsession with catching him.

You’re absolutely right. Javert’s version of it was much lower. His driving force throughout the whole story is his skewed sense of justice. In episode 3, 10 years have passed and he’s receiving the Medal of Honor, and when the camera comes to his face, it means nothing to him because this one man got away. You see him go to his room afterwards and when he starts eating his meal, you can see he does not taste it. Then you hear the lower version of the same theme and this hunger will never go away until he’s caught Valjean. It was a nice way to tie in the repetitive life of Valjean in prison with Javert’s mechanical obsession. It’s sort of Javert’s state of mind theme actually.

One of the most distinct pieces of music is when Fantine cuts her hair off and her teeth are ripped out of her mouth. The music feels like the score of a horror movie.

It was such a difficult decision to do it that way. Some people at the BBC said, “You can’t do it that way!” We had this scratchy viola when she gets her teeth pulled out. I thought it’s more gruesome without music. I argued with Tom because I thought that you need to hear the sounds of the teeth getting wrenched, and he said it’s too hardcore. We needed music to remind people they are watching television. I had that little theme for her on a music box with whole carnival. I wanted to do it a bit more macabre cinema—a bit otherworldly with this circus vibe. The guy who does the teeth pulling already has this painted face and hands, so I played into that. What changed it was I had this wonderful violist named Andy.

I need something to be whimsical but also be kind of fucked up and edgy. We had him in the studio and we were working through some articulations. We tried it with harmonica and tried it with the bow going one way and then the other, and then we tried putting it all together. We came up with this sound and I take no credit for it—it was him. It was swirling around and it was so fucked up. So we pulled the picture up, and we started as if we don’t know what’s going to happen to Fantine. Like she’s just going to get a haircut but we know it’s going to get bad. When we go into the teeth pulling, we were going let loose a little bit. There’s a moment when the old woman grab’s Fantine’s shoulders and pulls her back, and I thought wouldn’t it be cool if we did a viola version of the great guitar crash of Radiohead’s “Creep”? I asked him if he could do an 18/16, Johnny Greenwood crash in when he goes to take the teeth. He did it in one take. It made it completely over-the-top, but sometimes you gotta say fuck it. We may get hung for this, but let’s go for it.

I was going to ask if you used any nontraditional sounds in that sequence.

It sounds like a Les Paul with a lot of pedals with a lot of distortion. It was just the sound that we were getting from the viola. Once we had that sound, we wanted to use it in other places.

The scratching sound reminded me of the sounds people are scared of when they go to the dentist. It helped that she’s getting her teeth yanked out, so thank you for scaring the crap out of me with that.

We did use some non-orchestral sounds, but in that moment it just happened to be an orchestral instrument making that metal scraping sound. I hate the dentist too, so that sound really helped. It’s what you get with great musician.

There is obviously a lot of heavy material with this piece of fiction. When you get to do something different for the story—like the sweeping romance for Cosette and Marius—was that a welcome change?

It really did. Tom had an idea of what he wanted, and I had an idea of how I wanted to do it. He wanted a very gnarly folk score and to just use the music of the day. My original idea was 1816 Velvet Underground meets classic French 60’s romantic film music so we had these really light highs with grungy darkness. We ended kind of meeting in the middle. Some of the Velvet Underground stayed. What we both loved was when we went to the world of Cosette and Marius, we went to a stylized version of what she thinks love is. She’s just this abused kid who goes to live in a convent, so she has no idea what it really is. She’s 16, so she has every right to be romantic about everything. When we got to play her frame of mind, we got to play this romantic style. It was a relief after all the dirty stuff we’d be doing. I never thought I’d say that I was ready to get into some of that love stuff.

Since it’s 6 hours, this version really feels like 3 movies stacked on top of one another. Did the size of it all intimidate you?

I’ve done movies that have become big. My first thought was like, “I can’t win here.” Even though I’ve never seen the musical, people are going to watch it and wonder where those songs are. I didn’t think it was intimidating, but I did feel like I had a monkey on my back. Whatever I do, it’s not going to be the musical. A cloud that was always there. The only way to get through that is to completely own it. It’s clear that we aren’t trying to reference the show in any way. The first time I got the first episode, I think I was in denial. When I told people that I was doing it, they got so excited. But the first time I saw those famous two words come up on the screen, I thought, “Fuuuuck.” I had a beer and calmed down and we were fine from there. One small moment, and I got my shit together.

Les Miserables is streaming now.

https://www.awardsdaily.com/2019/05/06/john-murphy-interview/

[theastrophilearchitect]

Recent reads #1.

In February, I formatted my wrap-up actually as a wrap-up, but I didn't really enjoy making myself write about every movie and every show and every audiobook, so I've decided to cut the movies and tv shows unless I specifically want to review one, and just do recent reads every ten books I want to talk about, ignoring rereads I have literally nothing to talk about, and not filling two of my weekly post slots per month first with a tbr, then with a wrap-up. I have other things to talk about.

So, here's ten books I read recently.

1. Skyward by Brandon Sanderson

Hoo. So I finally read this, and, ultimately, I did enjoy it, but it was about two hundred pages too long. I'm sure if the first three/four hundred were condensed, the characters wouldn't feel so developed, but I think it would be worth it to increase the pace. If the pace of this book were on a graph, it would be flat until the last fifty pages, at which point it would increase exponentially.

Anyway, to this book is set in a (technically dystopian) sci-fi future, in which humanity is living on a planet called Detritus, where the crew of a ship called the Defiant crashed during a battle with the alien race of the Krell. This was several generations ago, and for several decades, the original crew split into groups, because when in groups of over a hundred, the Krell could sense, attack and kill them. Fast forward several decades, after a huge battle, humanity now lives together again, partially on the surface. Skyward follows Spensa Nightshade, daughter of a coward from the Battle of Alta, when humanity came back to the surface. Spensa wants to be a pilot, to battle the Krell, defend humanity, and eventually escape past the debris field surrounding Detritus. Then she finds a ship. A ship, broken and run-down, but more advanced than anything humanity has, and fixable. And it talks.

I'm going to keep this one brief because I have a lot to say about this book, and am planning to make a full review, but for now: I was so bored throughout the first three hundred pages. I didn't particularly care about the characters--of whom I felt there were too many--and found Spensa irritating, which bothered me particularly because this book is written in first person. Then, events, action, character arcs, and I left this book absolutely desperate for the next. I think my main issue with this was just the amount of set-up required for the clearly epic saga Sanderson is planning

On the plus side, its sequel Starsight came out in November, so, if all goes to plan, that should be around the third or fourth book on this list.

Rating: um. Last hundred or so pages I feel deserve full five stars, but I think the first few hundred drag this down to about 3.73 stars, specifically.

2. Ghosts of the Shadow Market by Cassandra Clare, Sarah Rees Brennan, Maureen Johnson, Kelly Link, and Robin Wasserman

Honestly, I wasn’t going to read this Shadowhunters novella bind-up. I haven’t read any of the other bind-ups. I only actually decided to read it because I was running out of audiobooks I wanted to listen to, and this was the only Shadowhunters bind-up on Audible. But I’m so glad I did.

So this novella bind-up is set in the world of the Shadowhunters and basically follows Jem Carstairs from the end of the Infernal Devices, up to its epilogue and then beyond. It was released after the Mortal Instruments, the Infernal Devices and the Dark Artifices, but before the Last Hours, the Eldest Curses and the Wicked Powers (obviously, because the Wicked Powers doesn’t even have a title for book one yet). The earlier novellas set up the Last Hours, the later ones the Wicked Powers, and probably the Eldest Curses, too, but I don’t really remember.

I didn’t enjoy the Mortal Instruments, and after reading City of Bones, I listened to the rest as audiobooks so I could read the other series, which I did love (even if I felt the Dark Artifices was unnecessarily long). Chain of Gold, the first book in the Last Hours has been out for just over a year now, and has definitely been the most hyped Shadowhunters book in the recent years, so I can’t wait to get to it, and am so glad I read this and got to know a little about the characters, though I don’t think you need to have read this to read Chain of Gold.

Rating: 4.3 stars. (Yes, apparently I’m doing decimals other than .5 now).

3. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes by Suzanne Collins

I finished this audiobook on March 19th, which says something about how my reading’s going this month. Actually, this is the fourth book I read in March 2021, because I also listened to the Mockingjay audiobook this month in my preparation to read this, but I didn’t think it was necessary to include it in this list because I’ve read it so many times before. Four books in twenty days isn’t bad--it’s more than most people read, but still. Especially when three of the four are audiobooks.

So, this book follows Coriolanus Snow, Panem’s president in the original series, as he acts as a mentor in the 10th Hunger Games. These Games are very different to the 74th we see in The Hunger Games, and every character in this book (minus the one character under the age of ten) was alive during the war. Since there have obviously only been nine Games before now, the tributes obviously couldn’t have victors from their districts as mentors the way Katniss and Peeta do, and this is the first year they have any form of mentoring. There’s no training, watching isn’t mandatory, this is the first Games in which they have sponsorships etc. Coriolanus is assigned the female tribute from district 12, and finds himself questioning his morality.

I really wasn’t sure what the point of this book was. It showed more inequality within the Capitol than what the trilogy exposed us to, but it didn’t seem to contain the same message as the Hunger Games, partly because Coriolanus essentially had a negative character arc, so as to become the tyrant, and partly because we knew how it would end. (Spoiler: Coriolanus falls in love with his tribute, but we knew it couldn’t work out because he couldn’t and wouldn’t marry someone from the districts, but he had a wife and daughter in the trilogy.) I don’t understand why Collins is trying to get us to sympathise with this villain--I love sympathetic villains, and anti-heroes, morally grey characters etc., but Snow just isn’t that in the trilogy, so it has little impact.

Granted, I did find the insight to his mind interesting, and the book was very entertaining--and had an excellent narrator--but I just didn’t see the point. I think this had the potential to garner five stars from me, but it just adds so little to the original story, I can’t do it.

(Leena Norms on YouTube made an excellent spoiler review on this book that goes much more in-depth about symbolism, themes etc. You can find it here)

Rating: 4 stars.

4. Eliza and Her Monsters by Francesca Zappia

I read this in three days. I’m not a huge contemporary person, but hell yes. This book? Mwah.

We follow Eliza Mirk, your typical teenage outsider. She hates high school, and is just waiting for graduation. Online, however, she’s LadyConstellation, the anonymous creator of the hugely popular web comic Monstrous Sea. Then she meets Wallace Warland, a Monstrous Sea fan who Eliza soon discovers is actually RainMaker, the most popular Monstrous Sea fanfiction writer. We have romance, we have geeky stuff, we have relatable hatred of school.

I listened to the audiobook (a running theme of audiobooks here, because I was currently very slowly reading House of Earth and Blood by Sarah J Maas, which is 800 pages. If your book’s going to be more than 600 pages, make it two books. Please.), which was a little disappointing because I later found out the book has Monstrous Sea comic strips in it, which are in the audiobook, you just don’t get the visuals. Regardless, the narrators were excellent, and I loved this as my intro to the contemporary genre.

Rating: 4 stars.

5. Sea Witch by Sarah Henning

This was the last book on my audiobook list before I gained a ton more, and though it wasn’t mind-blowing, it was enjoyable, and I do want to read the sequel. Or rather, listen to it.

This book takes place before the game of the Little Mermaid, and follows a young woman who will become the Sea Witch. One day, a girl drowns as her friends fail to save her. Three years later, a girl with nearly the same name arrives in her friends’ lives, though no-one but Evie recognises her, and Evie must help her get the prince to give her true love’s kiss to save her.

The plot wasn’t especially exciting and the characters weren’t especially interesting; the plot was rather predictable, but the writing was excellent and it was enjoyable nonetheless.

I’m curious as to where the sequel will go, because this book’s epilogue is set 50 years after the climax, but I assume it’ll be the retelling of the actual Little Mermaid story.

Rating: 3 stars.

6. House of Earth and Blood by Sarah J Maas

I didn’t want to love this book as much as bookstagram does. In fact, over time, my love for Maas’s Throne of Glass and A Court of Thorns and Roses has faded, especially earlier this year when I listened to the Throne of Glass audiobooks (my second read through), and was struggling by the end, because it took itself way too seriously, and it felt like it was just continuing for the sake of it (I stand that the entire eight-book series could have been four or five books at most, and that’s including the prequel). In contrast, this just didn’t drag. I was intiially overwhelmed by the 800 pages, but, God, it was worth it.

The Crescent City series is set in a modern-day fantasy, with modern technology, but where humans, angels, shifters, fae, and a thousand other kinds of supernatural creatures, live side by side. Bryce Quinlan is half-fae, a party girl, living like tomorrow doesn’t exist, until her best friend, and her best friend’s wolf pack, are murdered. Two years later, a similar string of murders starts up again, though the supposed killer remains imprisoned, and Bryce is recruited by the city government to investigate, with the help of Hunt Athalar, an enslaved fallen angel, who Bryce is incredibly thirsty for.

I made notes while reading this. I had many thoughts, throughout 800 pages.

Maas just really wants to write kind-of-fae protagonists: every one of her books (bar Catwoman: Soulstealer) has a protagonist who isn’t always entirely human, and who isn’t always entirely fae.

It felt like this was only classed as adult instead of young adult so she could use the word ‘fuck’ three times per page--her previous books being young adult didn’t stop her writing graphic smut scenes.

In the first three hundred pages, the main cast walked into the road and halted traffic so many times (being like twice)--Jesus, can we just let the poor drivers be?

This book never really explains the Gods in this world. There’s so much lore, and worldbuilding, but the Gods are never really explained.

Lehabah’s character reminded me so much of Iko from The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer, and I am so here for it.

‘...Bryce mused, toying with her toes. They were painted a deep ruby. Ridiculous, he told himself. Not the alternative. The one that had him imagining tasting each and every one of those toes before slowly working his way up those sleek, bare legs of hers.’ Right, so the Umbra Mortis has a foot fetish.

Looking back through my notes, I made this one--’I get that it’s more fun to write attractive characters, but not every no-name needs to be drop dead gorgeous’--which is hilarious to look back on because the character I was specifically referencing turned out to be a very big name, but still.

I did enjoy every second of this book, but I still think it could have been condensed. God only knows how many words were in the first draft of this book.

A lot of the words for things in this--Midgard for Earth/the mortal world; Vanir for the supernatural creatures--are from Norse mythology, and I’m so here for it.

By the time the actual truth of the mystery came out, I’d already been given so many assumptions and alternatives as to what happened, that, having finished the book, I can barely remember the actual truth. We were given at least four versions of the story.

Finally, Bryce and Hunt spend literally this entire book lusting after each other, and we hear about their fantasies about each other at least twenty times, but they literally never have actual, penetrative sex. There are explicit scenes, sure, but the most action for himself Hunt gets is alone in the shower.

Anyway, I loved this. It was 1000% better than previous books by Maas, and I want book two immediately. (Maybe not immediately; I’d like to read other books, but still.) I finished it on March 31st, and it was my 30th read of the year, actually completing my Goodreads goal for the year--it was intentionally low because I only read 23 books last year, but in the shortest quarter of this year, I already met my goal. I’m leaving the Goodreads official goal at 30, because I don’t want to push myself too far, but I have a silent goal of 100--if I keep up this pace, I can read about 122 books, but we’re going to keep quiet, because I sincerely doubt I’ll manage that.

Rating: 5 stars.

7. Starsight by Brandon Sanderson

God, this surpassed Skyward. I think part of that is because I already knew a lot of the characters, and Spensa is significantly less annoying in this one. It follows an incredibly different storyline to the first, but still has the same vibes, and was, frankly, a fantastic sequel.

I will say this series reads very young, and it’s very difficult for me to imagine the characters as adults.

Also, called the romance, and they kiss in this one, and it’s actually very anticlimactic. The two characters are in completely different places for most of this book, so there’s not much development, but my God. 

This book, this world... ahhhhh. If you don’t like science fiction, you won’t like this series, but otherwise, just read it. You won’t regret it.

Rating: 4 stars.

8. Call Down the Hawk by Maggie Stiefvater

First off, I love the US cover for this, but the UK one is so much better, and you can fight me on that.

This is the first book in the Dreamer Trilogy, a sequel series to The Raven Cycle, centred on the wonderful Ronan Lynch. The existence of this book was actually why I decided to reread The Raven Cycle--I listened to the audiobooks in, I think, 2018, and didn’t pay a huge amount of attention, which was, in retrospect, a horrible idea, given how complicated the storyline is, but I wanted to read this series, so a reread was required. And, as we know, I’m so glad I did, because I absolutely fell in love.

I do wish this book had more of the other Raven Cycle characters--you’ve obviously got Ronan and his brothers, and Opal, but there was so little Blue, Gansey and Adam. Adam was actually in quite a few scenes, but he’s my least favourite of the main four; Gansey had some texts and Blue had a single phone call, except that chapter was from Declan’s perspective, so we only got Ronan’s end.

Regardless, Stiefvater, as usual, introduced some amazing new characters, more worldbuilding, and I love the way she gives the antagonists’ perspective, too. There’s about a month, as of today, before the sequel comes out, and, fair to say, I can’t wait.

Rating: 4.2 stars.

9. A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J Maas

I hate this cover change. Utterly inferior to the original covers.

In all honesty, my love for SJM has faded over the last few months--though I do now think House of Earth and Blood may have revived it--but I did still enjoy this. So now let’s go through the notes I made as I went!

First off, though, this is the fourth book in the A Court of Thorns and Roses series, focusing on Nesta and Cassian, but I’m not saying anything else so as to avoid spoiling the first three.

The opening reads like fanfiction. The introductions, the inciting incident--I’ve never been a huge fanfic reader, but this reads like fanfic setup. 

SJM’s apparently going on a Norse mythology surge, what with Vanir in Crescent City and Valkyries here, but I’m really, really here for it

Elain Archeron feels irrelevant. She has imapct on Feyre and Nesta, sure, but she has no agency of her own. People ship her with Azriel, solely because she’s the unmated Archeron sister; he’s the unmated bat boy, but I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I sincerely hope we get more context as to Amren’s origins. There was a little in this, but not enough to satisfy me.

SJM has an obsession with masculinity. Little to a fault, honestly--every one of her male characters in described in some way, shape or form as the epitome of masculinity and ‘male arrogance’, and it irritates me to no end. Honestly, her books all feel like vessels for a sub/dom kink. Just saying.

‘As if she’d been freed from a cage she hasn’t realised she’d been in.’ I didn’t make note of it, but she this was the second time Sarah tried to test whether or not we’d notice this blatant manipulation of the ‘breath they didn’t realise they were holding’ cliche.

Stop capitalising the word ‘Made.’ It’s really not that difficult, and it’s ugly.

And as for the 70% of this book that is purely smut: hate that Nesta’s scent was disguised because Cassian’s ‘essence’ was all over her. What does that mean and why does even her scent submit to him??

Literally all of her female characters fall into the minority of women capable of orgasm from purely penetrative sex: it’s unrealistic, and I’m not entirely convinced SJM understands how the female body works. Also, in both this and Crescent City, she kept saying ‘her breasts pebbled’, and I still have no idea what that means.

I did, however, really enjoy seeing the Winter Solstice celebrations again.

I enjoy the smutty scenes as much as the next reader, but the latter fifth of this book, when they finally stopped shagging and got on with the plot, were so much better than the earlier ones.

Regardless, I did really enjoy this book, and come out with a hugely positive opinion, mostly because I enjoyed the last hundred pages so much.

Rating: 4.1 stars.

10. The Sky Blues by Robbie Couch

I cannot get Robbie Couch’s name right. I keep thinking it’s Crouch, and I don’t know why. Anyway.

This was the Booksplosion book of the month for April, and is very much not my typical thing. I am, however, trying to branch out my reading from purely fantasy and sci-fi, so here we are.

This book follows Sky Baker, an openly gay high school senior in Michigan, who is planning a promposal for his crush. Who may or may not be straight. Then, his promposal plans are exposed to the school in a homophobic, racist email-blast. That’s basically it, which doesn’t seem to me like a lot, but then most books I read aren’t 300-page standalones.

The narrative is a little cliche. We get an appearance-by-mirror on page four, which didn’t exactly give me much faith. There were, of course, also the times Couch pretended he wasn’t using the let-out-a-breath-they-didn’t-realise-they-were-holding cliche: ‘took a burden off my shoulders I hadn’t even realised was weighing me down.;’ ‘a million pounds I hadn’t even realised had been weighing me down for days.’ A nice metaphor, but cliche nonetheless.

It contains so many pop culture references, which are really entertaining in 2021, but will probably really date this in a few years.

Also, minor spoiler: we didn’t even get to see the actual prom. There was the whole build-up to it, the month before, the weeks before, the day before, and we never even got satisfaction.

Regardless, this was an easy, wholesome read, and I think it’ll be a good part of my entry to the world of contemporary.

Rating: 4.1 stars.

And those are my recent reads.

[rewatchablepodcast]

The other day we checked our email to find a very long and fabulous piece of feedback from Jessica and she generously allowed us to share it here on the tumblr. 

Hello, guys! :) I've been listening for a while now, but this is my first time commenting or leaving any kind of feedback. I live in work in Japan (in the Tokyo area), so that means long commutes no matter what, but listening to you guys discuss Buffy always makes my morning commute go by so fast. I apologize in advance for this massive e-mail (that is more like an essay). But I just had so much I wanted to say. Please feel free to just skim through it. I sectioned it off to make it easier to do so. Anyway, without further ado…

Mitch and His Amy Love: This week’s episode was a blast to listen to. Mitch’s excitement and joy over the Amy plot line and the Amy Rap were just fantastic, and his happiness was so contagious. I was waiting so long for you guys to get to this episode specifically for Mitch’s reaction, so I was so, so pleased that he was on this week. It should be noted that another one of Mitch’s predictions from way back in Season Four is going to be coming true this season and I can’t wait until you guys get to that episode as well. I remember listening to it back in Season Four and my mind being blown by how accurate it was.

“Restless” Foreshadowing and New Meanings: Speaking of Season Four, while there were some mentions of foreshadowing in “Restless” for events in Season Six (specifically in “Tabula Rasa”), a few were looked over/forgotten:

- In “Restless,” during the same sequence that had the references to Spike in the tweed suit and Giles being Spike’s “father,” there is this exchange:

Xander (to Buffy in the sandbox) : “Gotta keep moving forward.” Buffy: “Like a shark.” Xander; “Like a shark with feet and much less fins.” Spike: “And on land!” Giles (to Spike): “Very good.”

Foreshadowing of the Loan Shark! :D

Many moments and comments from Willow’s dream in “Restless” also take on a double meaning now. Back then it was very easy to relate everything to Willow discovering her sexuality and still trying to build up her confidence. But all the way back in Season 3 we saw Willow relying on magic to try and “fix” unwanted emotions and unpleasant situations. This gets worse in Season 4 with the My Will Be Done spell in “Something Blue” and what makes it worse is the fact that Willow tries to pretend that everything is okay by baking cookies. She knows that what she did was wrong, but she is able to sneak her way out of it. I think by Season 4 Willow was subconsciously aware of the power hunger that resided inside of her, but she still tried to keep up an innocent front. This acting becomes more and more prevalent in Seasons 5 and 6. So the “acting” aspect of Willow’s dream takes on new meanings, as does this line by Buffy (to Willow): “Your costume is perfect.” (Whispers) “Nobody’s gonna know the truth. You know, about you.” There are a few other lines that take on this new double meaning as well.

Also in “Restless” we saw foreshadowing for Giles feelings towards Buffy and his role as a father figure towards her in this season. In the dream, Buffy came off as extremely childish and clinging, with Giles being frustrated by this and Olivia telling him to humor her and such. This shows that Giles was already starting to subconsciously view Buffy as being too dependent on him in a fatherly way (since, in the dream, the dynamic was more like a family at a summer carnival than a Watcher with his Slayer). When Giles enters Spike’s crypt we see Olivia crying in the corner with a baby carriage overturned, which shows that he has given up on/rejected the idea of fatherhood and having a family. He has devoted himself to Buffy and her slayer duties. So, when Buffy dies and that duty ends, I think Giles wanted to find himself again and be a little selfish in that sense. It’s a harsh love, but I think Giles does believe that his leaving is what is best for Buffy right now (and honestly, I agree with him).

Spuffy and Unintentional Foreshadowing…Especially in Season Two: As for the discussion about feeling conflicted over shipping Spuffy because it is very obviously unhealthy, I get that. I ship Spuffy, but the way I see it, as long as you acknowledge and understand the problematic aspects of an unhealthy ship or OTP then there is nothing wrong with that. You can enjoy a ship on a storytelling and/or entertainment level without necessarily viewing it as a “Relationship Goals OTP!”

As for me, personally, I just love the journey that this relationship has gone through thus far. The Spuffy relationship came about very organically in the series. It wasn’t planned from the beginning because, as we know, Spike was planned to be killed off back in “What’s My Line?”, but we still have some amazing unintentional foreshadowing for the pairing:

In “School Hard,” Spike first sees Buffy while she is dancing. James Marsters has stated that he, himself, decided to act out that scene with Spike being attracted to Buffy. That was a personal decision of his. The song that was playing then was “Stupid Thing” by Nickel. It is a song about a dysfunctional/unhealthy relationship with some lines like:

        “I did a stupid thing last night, I called you. A moment of weakness. No, not a moment, more like three months of weakness. I’m one step away from falling to my knees. I’m one step away from spilling my guts to you” and “You see, there’s this huge chunk of me missing. It’s gone. And I can’t feel it, I can’t feel it, I can’t feel” and “I called you. It’s the last time, and maybe tomorrow night, will be the last time…”

This song really reflects the type of unhealthy relationship that Buffy and Spike are spiraling into right now.

Also in “School Hard” when Buffy and Spike get ready to fight each other for the first time, they have this exchange:

        Spike: “[…] I’ll make it quick. It won’t hurt a bit.”         Buffy: “No, Spike. It’s gonna hurt a lot.”

This was meant to be in reference to their fight, but also had a very obvious second meaning of a sexual nature. It is in “School Hard” that we first start seeing the theme of Buffy’s sexual maturity that spans throughout the rest of Season Two. Concerning the quote above, Buffy ends up being right. Their first time together in “Smashed” ends up being very violent and Buffy using Spike is something painful both for her and Spike on an emotional level.

    - In Innocence Angelus tells Spike “To kill this girl…you have to love her,” a statement that I imagine probably haunted Spike during the time period that Buffy was dead. It likely added onto his survivor’s guilt.

    - In Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered we get this exchange between Angelus and Spike (about Buffy) :

        Spike: “Why don’t you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.”         Angelus: “Lacks…poetry.”         Spike: “It doesn’t have to. What rhymes with lungs?”

    That last bit ends up being called back in Fool for Love where we see William asking, “What’s another word for ‘gleaming’? It’s a perfectly perfect word as many words go, but nothing rhymes, you see.” It also ties in with “Rest in Peace,” where Spike uses a ton of corny rhymes that just make me enjoy the song even more. So there is this added layer of cohesiveness to Spike’s history and backstory, even without his character having been planned for the long run so early on.

    - In Becoming Part Two when Buffy states that she is in a band, Spike states that Buffy plays the triangle, while Buffy says that she plays the drums. He corrects himself to try to keep up the (pathetic) lie and then answers that he sings. Once Spike falls in love with Buffy, we see that he ends up marching to the beat of Buffy’s drum. We also see that they ended up fighting together extremely well in Becoming Part Two. They communicated nothing verbally to each other when that vamp attacked Joyce, yet they moved perfectly together as a unit and got rid of it quickly. The little conversation that they have is about the vamp afterwards, is a very quick back and forth that shows that their thoughts are on the same wavelength.

    - In Lovers Walk Buffy and Spike end up falling right back into that banter that we saw glimmers of back in Season 2, and we see that Buffy was able to read Spike pretty well with her line that he likely had Willow and Xander at the old factory, which he did. Spike was able to read Buffy very well here too, as Buffy notes when she states that she can’t lie to herself anymore “Or Spike, for some reason,” about her change in relationship status with Angel.

    - Then in Season 4 we see a ton of UST between the two: Buffy teasing Spike with her neck in Something Blue, the fact that Willow states that Buffy and Spike should just get married, but make absolutely no mention of them needing to fall in love or make out. And this is also when we start to see Spike subconsciously acknowledging aspects of Buffy that he finds attractive, specifically her hair. He calls her Goldilocks in one episode and is shown touching her hair once or twice throughout the season (one time in Superstar). Buffy also says this to Willow in Season 4 “But I can't help thinking, isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting. (Stakes a vampire) I wonder where I get that from?” – something which is certainly present in her and Spike’s current relationship and which mirrors Spike’s own take on relationships in his Love’s Bitch speech.

    - When Season 5 rolls around the subtext starts becoming text when Spike realizes he is in love with Buffy. A lot of the elements from the earlier seasons carry over (they still fight well together, Spike is falling in line to the beat of Buffy’s drum, etc.) but now we have the romantic feelings in the forefront. We learn in this season that violence for Spike is similar to “third base,” thus showing that he also enjoys violence in his romantic and sexual experiences, something which was hinted at with his relationship with Drusilla. We see Spike starting to figure out what true love is all about and we see Buffy starting to notice his changing and starting to trust him in this season. In The Gift, the last time Buffy and Spike talk, she is ascending the stairs and looks down on him as he speaks. She is ascending to her room on a physical level, but on a symbolic level it can be seen that she is ascending to heaven/a heavenly dimension. In After Life, the first time Buffy and Spike speak to each other post-resurrection, the conversation doesn’t start until Buffy has fully descended the stairs and is on level ground with Spike. She has returned back to earth, which in this case, can be viewed as a hell dimension. This shows that now sees herself on the same level as Spike, which is something we are seeing pop up in this relationship. Also, that parallel and symbolism was not spotted by me, but rather someone on Tumblr (as were many of the Season 2 moments of foreshadowing).

We have been told and now are being shown the violence that both Buffy and Spike associate with love and sex. It definitely is a kink of theirs, but it squarely falls into abuse rather than a healthy BDSM relationship because we aren’t shown Buffy and Spike communicating at all with each other before engaging in violent sexual acts, which is a big “no-no” in these types of relationships.

Buffy and Spike’s relationship is certainly problematic and unhealthy – even downright abusive, but it is also extremely compelling storytelling. Their relationship has been a slow burn, which I personally like over instant/love at first sight type of romances, and we are being shown their relationship changes, rather than being told it. I personally could never get into the Bangel relationship because I felt that we were just being told of their relationship changes, rather than seeing these changes. It left me confused and disconnected whenever Buffy and Angel said they loved each other, because I just never saw the “falling in love” part happen. With Spuffy there has always been a constant forward movement and a constant change that I could see unfolding and that just appeals to me more.

Willow and Tara and Engaging in Sex After the Mind-Wipe: Trying to ship an unproblematic relationship in Buffy (BTVS specifically, not necessarily in the Buffyverse as a whole) is pretty much impossible to do anyway. All the major relationships in the series have some unhealthy or problematic aspect to them. Right now, Willow and Tara’s relationship is toxic and abusive. Willow was gaslighting Tara and we also had Willow engaging in sex with Tara after using magic to erase Tara’s memory of the fight that they were still kinda in the middle of. There is some debate within the fandom if that can be viewed as not only a mind rape, but also physical rape.

Personally, I view it as such, seeing it as similar to someone purposefully giving someone else alcohol or a drug of some kind and then engaging in sex. Rape is about power and control, after all, and in that moment Willow was taking control over Tara in the sense that she was wiping away a memory that, if it had not been erased, would have resulted in absolutely no sex. By wiping Tara’s memory, Willow is making Tara more compliant and willing, and that definitely feels like a form of rape to me. Some fans view it as more like sexual assault or dubious consent and still others see nothing wrong with the situation (since Willow didn’t have the specific intent to engage in sex with Tara after wiping her memory). What do you guys think?

BTVS Characters and Hogwarts Houses: Moving away from such a heavy, heavy topic as that though (and wanting to end this massive essay on a lighter note), let’s talk about the BTVS characters and Hogwarts Houses! In the Rewatchable episode for Smashed the hosts discussed what Hogwarts House each of the ATS characters would be in. I want to do that for BTVS now (Angel, Cordelia, and Wesley were already done, so I won’t include them here, but I will include Oz). For me:

    Gryffindor: Buffy and Spike

    Ravenclaw: Giles and Dawn

    Hufflepuff: Oz, Tara, and Xander (Gryffindor could be argued for Xander, some may argue Ravenclaw for Oz)

    Slytherin: Anya and Willow (Arguments could be made for Ravenclaw for Willow)   

I based their houses off of what the characters are shown to value as well as what their behaviors reflect. A lot of fans will put Spike in Slytherin, but I feel they do that because of the whole false dichotomy that Slytherin = evil/bad/morally ambiguous characters (and many fans will put all of the Scoobies in Gryffindor automatically because of the false dichotomy that Gryffindor = good/morally righteous and sound characters). Really, Spike doesn’t value ambition or power. He likes women who are physically powerful (but not power itself, he is fine with handing that over to people that he respects, especially in combat) and he does wish to prove himself, but the way he goes about it shows that he values courage over either power or ambition. He tries to prove himself through risk taking. He is a thrill seeker who is an open book and wears his heart on his sleeve. Nothing about him really conveys Slytherin in that sense. I can see Spike being a Hufflepuff or even a Ravenclaw over a Slytherin.

As for Xander, he certainly wasn’t loyal to Cordelia when he cheated on her with Willow, but he demonstrates his love for loyalty when it comes to his friends over all, which works as a double-edged sword for his character in some ways. And while he wasn’t hard working in high school, he does value hard work once he finds a job that fits him and he values it when he sees it in others.

I placed Willow in Slytherin rather than Ravenclaw because I always viewed her desire to learn and master things coming from the power trip that comes with it. She values the ambition behind learning and having knowledge, rather than the things being learned and the knowledge itself, this is what makes her differ from Giles, who gets genuinely excited to simply learn new things. Giles is more of the stereotypical Ravenclaw, the one that fans tend to think of first and foremost. Dawn is definitely more of the Luna Lovegood weird type of Ravenclaw though. She has been shown to be naturally curious about things and will take initiative to learn about things that interest her. She is also very experimental…at least with her food, haha.

I feel like Buffy, Tara, Oz, and Anya’s placements are all pretty self-explanatory and probably wouldn’t be viewed as overly debatable.

Ending Notes: If you made it all the way through this e-mail, then I congratulate you! This turned out way more massive than I had planned, but I just feel like there is so much that can be talked about and discussed in the later seasons of Buffy. I’m a big fan of Seasons 4-7 (as well as the comics…for the most part, some comic seasons I view more favorably than others), so I am happy to see that the newbies have been enjoying Season 6 so far.  

Thank you so much for this, Jessica!  You’ve made a lot of interesting points here and I see this sparking quite a bit of debate in the future - and I’m not just talking about Hogwarts Houses ;) Seriously, your points about Spike and Buffy’s slow burn came as a very nice reminder to this superfan, as I keep forgetting that like Darla, Spike wasn’t actually meant to stick around. Disagree on Giles leaving being a good thing, but I dig your style. Now, I think this is long enough without me writing a response, but really. This was amazing.

If you feel the same urge to write, email us and be sure to keep it spoiler free like Jessica did so that our newbies both on and off the podcast can enjoy what you have to share!

[bibliophilicmedstudent]

Heyo guys! So this is a Q & A post to sort of low-key celebrate my bookstagram reaching 2k followers (yay!!). If you are here but don’t know about my bookstagram (which is unlikely) you can check it out here.

Please allow me to be sappy and say once again that I’m really glad to have met all of you guys on bookstagram and (even though I hate Instagram’s algorithm) I love you guys for your support and your comments and for sticking along with me :D

I’ve put these questions all into categories so you can just skip to whatever you’re interested about!

Categories in order: Books & Bookstagram // Med School // Life

Books & Bookstagram

Q: Favourite author? Beca @lxnelyb

I knew someone is gonna ask this one… ok I have a few

Cassandra Clare – The Shadowhunter World means EVERYTHING to me. The characters, the runes, the world building – literally everything. I adore Cassie’s writing – so “heartbreakingly beautiful and soul crushing yet so brilliant that it melts your heart” good  (no I ain’t exaggerating). City of Bones from The Mortal Instruments is the first book that really truly got me hooked into reading (I read them before Harry Potter – shocker I know).

Leigh Bardugo – I’ve only started reading Leigh’s books last year (another shocker – sorry), Six of Crows being the first –  I immediately fell in love with the intense, intricate writing style. I love pretty much ALL her characters (especially the 2 particularly troubled boys that likes to wear black). Her Grishaverse books (Six of Crows Duology and Grisha Trilogy) simply blew me out the window.

Honourable mentions – Maggie Stiefvater (She would be my fav too if I read more of her books) Sarah J. Maas (She would too if she doesn’t make me wanna die/hibernate until her next books comes out).

Q: Any book recommendations? Beca @lxnelyb

I DO!!!! There are quite a few that I think deserves many more readers! I’ve linked their Goodreads page so please go check them out!

The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater (If you have been following me on my instagram you would know my obsession with The Raven Cycle series, like c’mon my dudes, go read it!! I even wrote a blogpost on why you should)

This Is Our Story by Ashley Elston (I love the suspense and mystery in this novel – this kept me up at night till 2am to finish it and oh my – this is by far the best book I’ve read this year!)

A Thousand Pieces of You by Claudia Gray (the Firebird Trilogy is so so good – there is multiple dimensions and yet they are all so well developed and detailed – the romance is also top quality)

The Crown’s Game by Evelyn Skye (Like The Night Circus? Like Russian History? Like to pull some human emotions in ya? Read it and you can fangirl/fanboy with me)

Q: Book characters that you each want to kiss, kill and marry? Hem @faeofnightcourt

Aww this is gonna be hard… (Hem why you do this to me poor soul)

Kiss: The Darkling (I would have said either Julian Blackthorn/Will Herondale, but little Aleksander needs more love so…)

Marry: Richard Gansey III (I’m looking out for my Gansey but no luck so far)

Kill: Nathaniel Gray (without a doubt)

Q: Favorite bad ass female characters? Alex @thebookadvocate

Love this question! I’m glad you asked!

Blue Sargent from The Raven Cycle

Emma Carstairs from The Dark Artifices

Inej Ghafa from Six of Crows

Nina Zenik from Six of Crows

Isabelle Lightwood from The Moral Instruments

Aelin Ashryver Aalathynius from Throne of Glass

Q: What got you started as a reader? Alex @thebookadvocate

City of Bones (found it in my local library – it was misplaced in the cookbook section so I took a look at it and yeah!)

The Hunger Games (my cousin recommend this book to me)

Q: Where do you find inspiration for your bookstagram? Alex @thebookadvocate

(I used to post pre-planned and heavily styled flatlay photos – they were inspired by the many beautiful bookstagrammers out there (I just don’t have the time anymore to do detailed layout shoots which is why I started my minimalist theme and I really like it!)

For my current theme I find some inspiration from @thebibliotheque’s bookstagram (it’s really amazing you should check it out!)

Ummm… and maybe on Tumblr and Pinterest? – most of the time I just post random photos that I think look good in my feed lmao XD

Q: How did you start bookstagram? What inspired you to make one? Noura @theperksofbeingnoura

It sort of started when my brother got me a copy of Lady Midnight for my birthday, and I want to show it off on my back-then personal instagram.

And my “explore” page started showing these bookish photos and I was like “Ah cool stuff!” and I officially started my bookstagram a few months later down the track.

It all just came to me – “there are so many like-minded people!”, “omg I’ve read this too!” and it all just sort of happened haha!

I was never on any social media prior to last year so it was all very exciting to me when first started it! My love for books obviously was a huge factor.

Q: What’s the oldest book on yore shelf and it’s story? Emily @abookishadventurer

I received some second hand books from my friend about a week ago (since she’s moving out and can’t take her books with her so she let me have them). Some of them are pretty old (older than all the ones I own anyways haha!)

Q: A series or book that everyone has read but you have not or don’t want to read? Hem @faeofnightcourt

Ok, I’ll have to say the Lunar Chronicles – I honestly really do want to read them but I just never got time to get around it (*chuckles* says a person who binge watched 9 episodes of Prison Break in a day lmao). I don’t really know why I haven’t because I’ve heard heaps of great things about this series (and apparently Cress is everyone’s favourite – well the people I know anyways) so yeah! But I’ll hopefully get to pick up Cinder during my long break!

Med School

Q: What’s the reason you wanted to do med school? (Lisa @noahjace_94)

The honest version is that in high school I really enjoyed learning about the human body, and chemistry involving a pharmacology module, I found medicine very appealing to me. I also did work experience in the local hospital and it just made me want to become a doctor even more.

The more suck-up version is that I want to practice in rural areas in Australia once I graduate and help people and do my best to make them feel better etc.

The practical version is that it’s a very steady job in Australia and there are many opportunities to work overseas (England I’m looking at you!) and I will never have to worry about being hungry or not being able to pay rent etc., which sounds pretty damn good to me (my current status: very broke uni student)

Life

Q: Celeb crush? Beca @lxnelyb

COLE MITCHELL SPROUSE (duh)

Dylan O’Brien (ah gosh)

Theo James (like c’mon all girls who refuse to say they have a crush on Theo is lying)

Logan Lerman (his eyes oml)

Q: Do you watch any tv shows? If so, what? Beca @lxnelyb

I’m glad you asked!

Riverdale – BECAUSE COLE SPROUSE IS JUGHEAD and Juggy is my precious little bean – no one hurt him or else I’ll flip and people will get hurt.

Prison Break – I’ve literally only started this two days ago – it’s honestly the worst time to be hooked onto a TV show because assignments are piling in right now (but ah well, it’s bound to happen anyway) – THIS SHOW IS SO SO GOOD! The guy is so smart and super good looking gosh I simply love it.

That’s about it – I also used to watch Shadowhunters – only for Malec and Simon Lewis, nothing else. I’ll see if I want to continue with the new season…

Thank you so much for reading guys! I’ll have a review for you next time so keep and eye out! Happy Reading! xx

Q & A Time! Heyo guys! So this is a Q & A post to sort of low-key celebrate my bookstagram reaching 2k followers (yay!!).