#simply he was bored so Clockwork gave him a chance at a new life

[the-random-phan]

DP x TMA

Danny arrives to lend a helping hand! Life must be tough when you're hiding in your ex's apartment because of murder charges and being mildly tormented by some circus clowns.

Danny might be a bit too calm in this situation ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Set some time between MAG 81 and 87

[julesdap]

your albatross, shoot it down

read on ao3

During their escape from Dark Matters, Juno makes the choice to take Sasha with him.

It’s like clockwork, Sasha thinks. 

Since she’s made a point to be as uncooperative as possible, Aurinko’s stopped the faux-friendly negotiations and simply given the order to lock her in the spare room, bare but for a bed, a bathroom, a chair and table, a porthole, and a surveillance camera. As far as she can tell, Aurinko, Ilkay, and Siquliak take turns guarding her, while Rita keeps track of the video feed.

They’re spread thin, wary, tired, missing a member of their crew, and tensions are made high by just her presence. It would not be impossible to escape. 

Sasha doesn’t try. Yet. 

And three times a day, on the dot, like clockwork, Juno’s let in with a tray of food. 

“Be careful, Steel,” Ilkay growls, which is procedure by now. 

Juno waves her off; he doesn’t even carry his blaster in here, either because he doesn’t want to take the risk that Sasha will try to disarm him, or because he simply thinks Sasha doesn’t pose enough of a threat. Sasha can’t tell which one. She’s found that she can’t tell much about Juno Steel, these days. 

Ilkay sends Sasha one last warning look, and then the door slides shut. 

“Hey,” Juno says. 

Sasha sits primly in her single chair, which she’s dragged over by the porthole to watch the vast expanse of nothing. 

Juno sets down the tray on the table like her silence is to be expected. Maybe, she supposes, thinking of all the years that have passed between them without a single civil conversation, it is. 

When she makes no attempt to move, he leans against the table and filches a bite from her plate, waving the fork at her before popping it into his mouth. “Lunch?” 

Sasha sighs, long-suffering—Juno grins like it’s something familiar—and complies, bringing her chair closer to eat. She snatches back her fork and twirls it between her fingers. “You may as well ask your questions now, Juno,” she says.

The grin falls off Juno’s face. “That’s not—I told you, this isn’t an interrogation, Sasha.”

Sasha’s certain his family wouldn’t agree—surely the amount of information Sasha knows, on Dark Matters’ inner workings, the Radicals, the Aurinkos themselves, hasn’t slipped any of their minds—but she’ll allow Juno his fantasies. Or lies. “Just another hour in prolonged captivity, then.”

“It isn’t—” Juno releases a heavy breath. Sasha raises an eyebrow. “Fine. Sure, that’s exactly what it is. Eat up.”

So she eats. It’s Juno’s cooking, like always—real food, not cheap nutrient bars or protein paste. Sasha wonders if the meals are just part of his job, if he volunteered, if he’s cooking for the whole crew or just her. 

The first few times, Juno had tried to strike up a conversation, but now he just walks to the porthole and takes in the tiny view, waiting for her to finish. It’s fine, Sasha thinks. The silence isn’t uncomfortable.

Then, tentatively, Juno says, “We could let you free on the ship, Sasha. We could— talk. If—” He gets that look on his face when he’s about to tell her something she doesn’t want to hear— “You give us your word that you won’t try and escape. And that you won’t try to contact Dark Matters and turn us in.”

Sasha levels a look at him. This is an ultimatum he’s made every other conversation, and she still doesn’t believe it. “Surely you’re not really asking me that, Juno.”

Juno throws up his hands, walking away. “Worth a shot,” he says bitterly. 

“So that’s it,” Sasha says, like they haven’t had this roundabout conversation about ten times now. “I’m being blackmailed. My silence and obedience for my freedom.” 

“Sasha… don’t.”

“Am I wrong?”

“You’re here,” Juno tries, “because you’re safer here than—”

Sasha gives in to the disbelieving laugh bubbling in her throat. “Frankly, Juno, I’ve had enough of this—even I never tried to pretend I captured you to keep you safe.”

“Nah, actually, I’m pretty sure there was a bit of a ‘this is for your own good’ sentiment thrown in there—”

The chair scrapes loudly against the floor when she pushes it back to look him full in the face. “Oh, and isn’t that exactly what you’re doing? I’m a prisoner on your ship because I’m safer here? Really, Juno?”

Her voice rises without her permission. She doesn’t know why she’s so adamant on turning this into a fight. She’s playing right into Juno’s hand, she knows, biting at everything like some cornered animal, but she can’t help it. For the first time in years, in decades, she’s completely unarmed—in both physical weapon and intel— and it’s a weakness that’s like an itch, an ever-present lack, and something has to give, somewhere. 

“Sasha, I’m trying to—”

“And don’t pretend that you’re simply, what, doing this out of the kindness of your heart? Like you don’t hold a grudge against me for hurting you, your family? That’s not like you, Juno.”

She’s hit a nerve. Hurt flashes across Juno’s face. “Fuck’s sake, Sasha, what do you want me to—” He pinches the bridge of his nose, muscles tense in his jaw. “Y’know what? Yeah. Yeah, I am mad. I’m fucking livid, okay, Wire, you tried to kill my family and I—”

The venom in his voice stings more than she expected. This part of the conversation, they haven’t had yet. “I never tried any such—”

“Cut the crap, Sasha,” Juno snarls. “You were never going to let them go, alright, I know. You weren’t going to trust whatever they said, you knew they weren’t going to say anything, you were never going to help me help them or whatever, you were just— messing with me—”

“I was giving you an out.”

“You lied to me.” It’s a child’s naive insistence, the way Juno looks at her, all heartbroken and disappointed: but you promised, Sasha. “What would’ve been the best-case scenario for you, huh?” he presses. “Me behind bars for life, or maybe a new name and a lifetime supply of Dark Matters surveillance— if I’d talked. And, what? The rest of my family tortured for months on end until your interrogators got bored and disappeared them quietly? That’s it, right? That was your plan, and you actually tried to get me to play along.” 

“Juno…”

Juno shakes his head, swallows. “Fuck you, Wire. Sure, maybe I did trick you too, and maybe we are keeping you on this ship. But you have no idea how much that hurt.”

And it’s all Sasha can do to keep her expression clear, because the disgust in his eye is worse than betrayal; because he’s right to be disgusted, she’s been thinking lately, like a sandstorm settling to reveal a cliff’s edge, and she isn’t sure anymore of the path she’d been so set on walking. 

Because here’s what she’d been so afraid of, Juno Steel with enough fury for a bottomless pit, and she has no one to blame but herself. 

In the ensuing quiet, Ilkay’s voice crackles in Juno’s earpiece, and Juno turns away from her to reply. “Yeah, we’re—it’s fine,” he says. At his side, his hand flexes, a clench and release of tension. “We’re just. Talking. Vespa, I swear everything’s... fine.”

Ilkay relents, and then the silence is truly suffocating. Juno crosses his arms and exhales, every line of his back tense and unmoving. 

You lied to me.  

“In that case,” Sasha says, voice too wobbly to put up any facade of coldness, “you never answered my question. What am I doing here, Juno?”

Juno whirls around, looking somehow twice as furious.

“Because you won’t listen to anything I’m trying to tell you—”

Sasha could laugh. “I meant why bring me along in the first place? You had your chance to escape; we wouldn’t have been able to track you. So why hold me here like a—”

Juno stills. “And what would have happened to you?” he asks. “If I’d left you behind, with Dark Matters?”

Sasha bristles. “I’m their Director—”  

“Yeah, and you told me yourself you ‘took care’ of your own Director when you had the chance! Hell, all I did was let it slip that I knew you and you thought you had to shoot me. And then, what, a whole crew of dangerous suspects escape with the Curemother Prime, under your nose—you think they’d just let that slide?” 

“I can handle myself,” Sasha snaps right back, and oh, this is an odd reversal of roles, isn’t it. But what can she say, she’s been with this new, strange crew for over a day now, and her patience is fraying; maybe she really is out of practice— “My agents are loyal to me, and even if they weren’t, if you think this is the first time I’ve handled a bunch of unruly—”

“Oh, sure, but is this also not the first time you’ve messed up on a mission this big? ‘Cause I think I know what’s gonna happen if you try and contact Dark Matters again, and I think—”

“I don’t need your misguided attempts to help, Juno,” Sasha says tightly. Her hands are shaking. She clasps them together. 

“—it’s over, Wire,” Juno says. “You can’t go back. And you know it. You know, and I’m sorry. But you’re done.” 

It’s Sasha’s turn to look away in stony silence, because he’s right. 

Goddamn him, he’s right. 

“Sasha,” Juno says again, and at this point Sasha misses the quiet, misses not needing to feel as much as Juno Steel forces her to, every fucking time— “Y’know. Just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I don’t give a shit about you anymore.” 

She glances up at him again. He looks pained and earnest in equal measure. 

“Oh,” Sasha says, voice small. 

Juno sits down on her bed like holding himself up is suddenly too much of a chore. “You taught me that, I think.”

“Did I.” 

He’s quiet for a long moment, picking at a hangnail, and Sasha almost thinks he’s not going to answer. Then: “Sure. Over and over. When Ben died, and we weren’t talking at the time, and I was determined to ruin myself. When we—”

“Juno—”

“When we finally got in the HCPD,” Juno presses on, “and you were doing great but I wasn’t handling it so well. Even on your stupid Dark Matters exam—”

She shuts her eyes. “Don’t.”

“—No, even way earlier than that, when I was so, so ready to blame myself I never gave you any room to grieve. I’m pretty sure you hated me at some point.”

“I never—I didn’t hate you,” she whispers. “I just. Hated what you were doing to yourself.”

“Oh. Well.” Juno tilts his head, sends her a look. “I think I know what that’s like.”

It’s more than she can take, his knowing, understanding pity. Sasha turns her back to him, facing the table so he can’t see her face. It’s over. You’re done. Her chest heaves. For the first time in years she feels adrift, with nothing to keep her anchored anymore, not a goal or a purpose or a job or a home. 

Her entire fucking career, she thinks. Over twenty years of work. 

She can’t think about it. Not here. The calculations spin away from her, wide and impossible and terrifying. I don’t know who I am, without this. If not this. I don’t know what else is left of me.

What does it say about her, that she can’t tell what’s right or wrong anymore without someone telling her who to shoot. That she doesn’t know when she stopped thinking about what she was doing anymore and just started following orders, a set of rules and expectations and protocols laid out in her head, everything else locked away and marked irrelevant.

There’s an ugly, churning feeling in her gut. She wonders if Annie would hate her.

“Sasha?”

She blinks the wetness in her eyes back. Dimly, she realizes Juno’s said her name more than once now. When she looks behind her, Juno is watching her back, his gaze so open and comfortable it makes her uncomfortable. 

“Are you, uh…”

Changed or not, Juno Steel is not the sort of person who would jump to console someone he hasn’t spoken kindly with in years. “I’m fine,” she says, firm enough that Juno just nods, and waits.

She sighs. Then she gets up and sits beside him on the bed, their shoulders not quite touching. Juno scoots back and lies down, legs dangling over the edge. After a moment, she does the same. 

“I miss Mick,” he says. 

“Oh.” It’s not something the Juno she knew would readily admit. “Me too.” Even this is something still painfully familiar: her and Juno and Ben and Mick, sprawled out on one bed until afternoon turned to night, whenever one of them couldn’t bear to go home.

“Last time we talked in person, he… he was dealing with some shit, you know, and— I didn’t… realize. Rita helps me get a message through every few days, but. I don’t know, it still feels like I’m not there for him enough.”

“I… I haven’t talked to him since, well…”

“Since your promotion,” he sighs. “Yeah.”

“How is he?”

He shrugs. “Alright, last I heard. Apparently he’s working on some manuscript. No idea how that’s turning out.”

She pushes herself up on her elbows and stares at him over her shoulder. “Mick Mercury,” she says flatly. “A writer.”

His leg knocks into hers in a gentle rebuke, ankles bumping. “Uh, yeah, Mick Mercury. Try anything once, Mick Mercury? Wild storyteller, Mick Mercury? Y’know—”

“Unstoppable dreamer, Mick Mercury,” she murmurs. “Right.” She flops back down on the bed. 

There’s a grin in his voice. “Yep. Hey, least one of us isn’t a wanted criminal.”

She thumps her fist against his chest. Juno laughs.

“Too soon?”

“Don’t even think about it.”

“If it makes you feel better,” Juno says lightly, “I know what you’re going through.”

Sasha snorts despite herself. Then the joke catches up with her, and she sobers. “Juno…” Her breath shakes in her chest. “What do I do.”

Juno’s silent for a long time.

“I can’t answer that for you, Wire.”

She closes her eyes. She can’t answer it, either; she doesn’t know. She thinks about Curemother Prime sitting somewhere aboard this ship, and about the Aurinkos’ ridiculous, unbelievable plan, and the possibility of success. They’ve already gotten this far. 

It seemed—simple, back in that rigid and lonely place, a clear line of thought: Juno and the others made themselves too dangerous to ignore; thus they needed to be dealt with; thus Dark Matters would deal with them. She was Director, the mission was important, and Juno was her family; thus she would deal with it herself. 

No time for what-ifs, or second guesses, or considering the idea of being wrong. Just this: Dark Matters worked for the greater good; thus Sasha Wire would work for Dark Matters. She’d climb the endless ladder and clean out the dirt of the place and learn to live with bloody hands if she had to. For the greater good, for the greater good, an idea she has wrapped her fucking life around, even when it wasn't making sense anymore.

Now, through the fog of terror comes that same cold, icy logic, bringing a different conclusion: Dark Matters will never leave her alone. 

She knew this when she agreed to work for them. They already think she’s a traitor after her last failure, and whether she tries to get in contact with them again or not won’t matter. She might be lucky if they assume she’s dead, killed by the infamous Aurinko family, though they won’t easily do that without proof.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.  

She thinks about that, and then she thinks about the only path that has remained open to her, steady and unshakable, in the form of Juno Steel.

This is how logic works, this is what Dark Matters taught her: Remove the options you cannot perform, and what remains is your way forward.

Juno startles when she sits up quickly. “Wire?”

She runs a hand through her hair a few times. “Open the door.”

“What?”

“Open the door,” she repeats impatiently, trying to straighten the wrinkles in her shirt.

Juno eyes her warily as he gets to his feet. “Um, why would I do that?”

She catches her reflection in the glass of the porthole. She looks sharp enough for a captive former Dark Matters agent, she supposes; serious; put together; starlit. When she meets Juno’s eyes, he looks, hopelessly, hopeful.

“Well?” Sasha says, tone brusque. “I’ll behave. I thought you wanted me to talk to Aurinko.” 

[tinydooms]

For BATB: “Remember Me”

“But surely you remember me!” 

Maurice sits in an armchair in one the castle’s sitting rooms, watching a Beast in a ruined banyan stride up and down before the fireplace. His frustration is beginning to outweigh his terror. 

“I am sorry to repeat, monsieur, that I have no idea--”

“You’re the artist!” cries the Beast. “Maurice Durant! You painted those magnificent portraits for the Duke de Rouen, and your clockworks are known throughout France! I hired you to come here!” 

He has Maurice there. The Duke de Rouen was Maurice’s previous patron. Strange, he can’t remember now why he chose to leave the city and came to Villeneuve. 

“Tell me, would you have moved to a remote village in the middle of nowhere just to be the village tinker?” the Beast asks. 

“Uh--”

“Of course you wouldn’t. A man of your talents would want to be somewhere with class, like Paris or London or Vienna. Or--and really, this is why you’re in Villeneuve--restoring the paintings in my castle and painting me new ones!” The Beast waves his arms. Maurice feels a stabbing of pity for him. 

“Monsieur, your reasoning is sound,” he begins. 

“Reasoning!” wails the Beast. “Reasoning! Do you even like Villeneuve?”

“No--”

“Of course you don’t! It’s a village!” screeches the Beast. “You’re from the city, man, use your head! Villeneuve is no place for a great painter and craftsman such as yourself and hardly a place for a great man’s daughter!”

That brings Maurice up short. “You know about my Belle?”

“Well, I didn’t know her name,” the Beast says sullenly, folding his arms. “I knew you had one. Mrs. Potts arranged an entire apartment in the servants’ wing for the two of you.”

Maurice regards the Beast for a long moment. Beneath the creature’s indignation he is beginning to sense desperation. He clears his throat. 

“All right, Monsieur, let us say that I was on my way to your castle when I suddenly decided to settle down in Villeneuve. Why did I simply forget about your invitation?”

The Beast snorts, miserably. “That woman came here and cursed me and made everyone forget, that’s why.”

Maurice blinks. “And why would she do that?”

“Because I’m a monster!” howls the Beast. 

“Oh come now, I’m sure you’re not so terrible to look at when you’re bathed and dressed properly,” Maurice says without thinking. The Beast stares at him; he shrinks a little, then rallies. After all, the Beast could have killed him when he took the rose in the garden. Instead he dragged him inside and gave him tea and has been yelling at him that they know each other for a good half hour. “Do you have a name, monsieur?”

“I’m the Prince de Courcy.”

The name rings a bell in the back of Maurice’s mind. He grabs for the memory--no, it is gone. 

“Forgive me, mon Prince. I do not remember,” he says. “However, if it is paintings and clockworks you are interested in, I could surely accommodate.”

The Beast brightens. “You could?”

“Yes, indeed. I’ve been in need of interesting work.” And money, Maurice does not say, but the Beast is nodding. 

“You would want to bring your daughter here,” he says. “Is she, ah, is she by any chance single?”

Maurice raises his eyebrows. “I am not at liberty to discuss my daughter’s personal life, mon prince.”

“Of course not, forgive me.” The Beast rubs his forehead. “Look, I can offer you a year’s wages today if you and your daughter will take up residence here and put the artwork to rights. I’m bored and I’m lonely and it would do me well to see things restored. You would enter into a contract as you would if I weren’t cursed--let’s say six months--and after that you can stay or go as you choose. What do you say?”

Maurice considers it. Belle is certainly unhappy in the village, and this place would certainly count as an adventure. He nods, slowly. “I will need to discuss it with my daughter, but I am certain she will agree. Please give me two days to return to town and arrange things, and I will return.”

The Beast nods, looking delighted, and sends Maurice on his way with saddlebags filled with fine food and wines, sketchbooks and paints. And when the artist and his daughter return to the castle, he looks, if not like a human prince, at least like a gentleman. The Durants may not remember that they were originally intended to come here, but Adam is going to make the best of it now that they are here. 

[thehargrovewhore]

shut me up | billy hargrove [18+, NSFW]

summary;

the classic enemies turned lovers cliche! in which; billy and his next door neighbor have never gotten along, but one night changes everything.

warnings;

swearing. smut. dirty talk. soft billy [if you squint]. this story is NSFW as fuck ladies and gentlemen👌🏻

authors note;

forbidden fruit part two is coming very soon! but for now, please enjoy this beaut.

―

he was such an asshole. he was conceited, he was cocky, he was unnecessarily loud and he was always looking for a fight. billy hargrove was a nightmare, if you ask her. she knew from the moment she saw him that he was trouble.

billy played his music extra loud to piss her off, revved his camaro when she walked by and thrived off of cat-calling her in the hallways simply to get under her skin and make her squirm under his heavy gaze.

since the arrival of billy hargrove; her life has been hellish and the prick knew it. he went out of his way to make the most immature comments he could think of; every single time she walked past him in school. and, to make matters worse, he was her next door neighbor.

he would smirk at her smugly from his window when his classic rock music would interrupt her studying or stand on his porch to poke fun at her, when she was tending to her mom's rose garden in the front yard. overall - she did not care much for the brooding california native.

but was he beautiful? unrealistically. billy has those ocean blue eyes that made her weak in the knees, a pearly white smile, dirty blonde hair and a shredded body. he wouldn't be so bad at all, if his personality wasn't complete shit.

he was everything she was not. she was passive, shy and overly commited to her schoolwork. which of course had made her the prime target for billy and his friends. she's a bore, as most people say, who never let's loose. but, what people don't know about her, won't hurt them.

she wasn't innocent. she smokes like a chimney & swears like a sailor. she has been hooking up with an out-of-town guy for the last four months, and chooses to allow people their perceptions on her. what they thought was shy; was simply her having absolutely nothing to say.

but, if billy hargrove or his buddies, knew anything about these topics she would be done for. which is why she has kept her mouth shut, and tried to mind her business. but, as if he were a dark cloud hanging over her head, it was a fact that billy would fuck with her no matter what.

like right now, for example. she is walking down the halls, trying to beat the rush-hour of restless teenagers, and he is hot on her tail with that fucking smirk on his face. there was certain times that she wanted to slap it clean off.

she hated him sometimes. but, then again, she just could not hate him completely - she was in close range to billys home and could often hear what his father was doing. his life was terrible when you peeled back the layers.

"you know it's almost summer, babe. i don't see why you insist on dressing like a nun." he spoke, with a gruff laugh that rumbled in his chest and made her heart beat faster.

she looked down at her light pink sweater and blue jeans, before raising a single hand and giving him the finger. she was never one to show what she was packing, even when the weather got disgustingly warm outside.

"don't call me babe, asshole. why does it even matter how i dress? leave me alone." she huffed, pushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear and heading over to her locker with haste. she was supposed to be meeting her lover and was not keen on being late to an hour or two of satisfaction.

"normally, i would be happy too doll. but since your mom asked susan if i can bring you home today, i might as well have a little bit of fun while i'm at it." billy grinned. she's in no mood for his irritating bullshit right now, however.

she scoffed, pushing her books into her locker before she slammed it shut again. her mother was clueless when the matters came down to billy. she didn't see past the whole charming persona that he put on around all women.

"i don't need a ride home. my friend is already waiting for me outside. hate to burst your bubble, pretty boy. now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to be late." she scowled.

billy's eyebrows furrowed in confusion; and he raised one muscular arm up to block her in. "you don't have friends. i know for a damn fact that you're always alone. who is it?"

his brashness made her angry. who the hell is he, to make her answer that question? like it's any of his business. she rolled her eyes obnoxiously, putting one hand on her hip.

"it's not any of your business, hargrove. sorry that i refuse to surround myself with mindless idiots. please get out of my way now, your whores are waiting for you." she spoke, gesturing behind him to heather and tina.

when billy turned his head to smirk at the girls, y/n took a chance and sneakily slipped under his burly arm. "damnit! this conversation isn't over babe!" billy yelled loudly while she made a bee-line for the school's front doors.

"that is a funny concept, because i'm walking away." she sneered, before turning on her heel and going outside to eric's awaiting car.

a very angry and sexually frustrated billy was left behind, standing in the hallway with his fists clenched tightly.

he just had to find out what his little spitfire was doing, as it was obvious that she is hiding something, and has been hiding something for quite some time now.

―

two hours later after being fucked in the backseat of her lovers car, she was now adjusting her sweater and fixing up her messy hair in the rearview mirror. with a cigarette in one hand and her notebook in the other; she gave the breathless boy next to her one final kiss.

eric was good fun. he was not the best, but he got the job done with enthusiasm as far as she's concerned.

"call me again soon, i had fun." she purred, getting out of his car and shutting the door gently. her parent's weren't home, which meant she was free to smoke in peace. she placed the cigarette between her lips, and walked up the front steps with wobbling legs.

as if clockwork billy had pulled into his usual parking spot while she was fumbling in her bag for the house keys. and her heart stopped within' her chest; when his eyes landed on her.

she still had the cigarette between her lips.

billy got out of his camaro with a wide smile, standing to the side of it and taking a drag off of his own cigarette. it was obvious that he was upset about something.

maybe one of his many dates wouldn't fuck him.

"am i dreaming or is that you, babe?" billy smirked. but it's not his usual smirk, which was condescending and cocky.

this one is dark and mischievous. she wondered what this nuisance has up his sleeve now.

"you're very observant, hargrove." she spat angrily. it was a quick response that was full of underlying irritation.

"looks like there is a lot of things i didn't know about you, princess. but you don't kiss and tell." he inquired smugly.

"oh, go fuck yourself." she snapped, getting her key into the lock and turning it once. she took one last puff, billy knew she smoked now, so no point in trying to mask it.

she dropped the cigarette on the ground, mumbling to herself about how arrogant he is before - and prepared herself for the brewing rumors to begin swirling. he will definitely let tommy and carol know about this.

this is the last thing she wanted tonight.

when she turned around to flip him off one last time, billy was already directly in front of her. she gasped -- backing up quickly and almost falling into the opened doorframe.

billy's thick arm shot out to wrap around her waist before pulling her flush against his chest. with one hand, he then moved a piece of hair away from her face lovingly making goosebumps arise on her skin.

she has never been so close to him before. she could feel the heat from his chest and was tempted to touch him. it was like seeing him in a new light; and she was cursing at herself internally for these newfound emotions.

"what are you doing? let me go." she bluffed, trying to pull back from his grip but he was not budging at all. his eyes; they were so damn dark compared to their usual blue hue resembling the pacific ocean.

"i saw you fucking him in his car. i don't like it." billy spoke lowly, backing her up into her house and closing the front door with his foot. she should of hit him, right in that self- assured face of his, then forced him to leave.

but, she just could not ignore the returning ache between her legs.

"why were you watching me?" she spat, crossing both of her arms over her chest with purpose. billy chuckled and shook his head at her state of oblivion. "you're supposed to be the smart one here, princess. i have wanted you for months now. do you have any clue what it's like to watch you fucking that asshole?" he snapped, closing in on her.

she was backed against the wall of her kitchen, and could barely see straight through her lust-filled haze. "you say it like that was such an obvious fact, billy. you've been such an asshole to me since day one. and all of the sudden you want to fuck me?" she quipped lightly, breathing ragged.

he pressed himself against her petite frame before taking her by surprise and lifting her onto the counter with ease.

SMUT.

he leaned forward, taking her lips in a breathtaking kiss. it sent shockwaves straight down to her toes. she has had a fair share of kisses in her life but this one decimated them all from her memory. it was full of fire and beautiful.

"i'm not going to fuck you, baby. i'm going to ruin you. i'm going to make sure that you feel my cock for days. when i am done with you; you are all mine. do you understand?"

she found herself nodding in submission, grinding herself against his clothed cock, absolutely desperate for him. he was making her stomach burn with hunger. she has never been one for being submissive, but with billy; she wanted him to have that control over her.

his hand drew back and sent a punishing slap directly on her clothed pussy; causing her to squeal sharply, and dig her nails into the shoulders of his leather jacket. billy was not happy with non-verbal responses, and she is learning that pretty damn quickly.

when she didn't respond to his command again, he sent a second slap to her pussy, and this time with purpose. and right now, she could quite literally orgasam on the spot. it was like electric shockwaves vibrating her core.

"yes! holy shit! yes, i understand billy." she relented before squirming away from his overwhelming touch. "i'm yours! please just fuck me already." she whined - biting his lip for some added persuasion, which seemed to do the trick.

he lifted her off the counter, her legs wrapped around his waist tightly, before walking down the hallway and to her bedroom on the left. she was kissing his neck the entirety of their journey teasingly, and billy was ready to pounce.

knowing they don't have much time; he was not going to waste any time with her. "did the frat boy make you cum? did he make you feel good?" billy taunted while laying her down on her silk sheets and climbing on top of her. she is quick to nod at him playfully, trying to piss him off a little.

eric did make her feel good; but he did not make her cum so it wasn't a complete lie. billy growled again and flipped her onto her tummy. she has never been manhandled this way and she was revelling in his strength.

she quickly lifted her sweater over her head, and groaned when billy's fingers traced up the base of her spine; so he can unclip her white bra and guide the straps down - billy hissed at the sight of her milky white indiana skin.

he pulled her back against his chest - one hand wrapping around her throat while the other unbuttoned her jeans & his hand casusally slipped inside her panties. she writhed against him, pushing her ass into his hard-on greedily.

with two fingers, billy began to rub her clit relentlessly. its unexpected and overwhelming, causing her to cry out. he smirked, his lips nipping at the soft skin of her neck, while the hand around her throat only seemed to tighten.

billy suddenly pushed her back onto her stomach before guiding her jeans down her legs - her panties coming off in the process. she mewled at the feeling of cold air now hitting her damp folds.

she felt his hands spread her cheeks; obviously taking a moment to admire the goods - and she flushed red with embarrassment and pure lust. his hand traced teasingly up her spine once more, before grabbing another hand- full of her hair as another throaty command sounded.

"stick your ass up in the air, nice and pretty for me." while she is already a trembling mess and legs felt like jelly, she did as told and arched her back, pronouncing her ass, for billy's anticipated viewing pleasure.

the two fingers began to travel downwards and tease her entrance lightly, before billy pushed them inside her, until he was knuckle deep and resting against her g-spot. "that is a good pussy right there." he groaned deeply, and she is only turned on further upon hearing his dirty words.

she cried out loudly, hands clawing at her sheets - as the rapid fire began to spread deep within' her belly. her hips, now thrusting back against his rapid moving hand had to be stilled due to her constant squirming. her mewling did not help matters when it came to billy's raging hard-on.

the sounds of his thick fingers plummeting in and out of her with pussy with violently fast strokes could be heard throughout her small room, along with her soft moans & billy's own grunts of approval. she was so close- but she wanted to cum on his cock, not on his fingers.

she knew they had at least 45 more minutes- but did not want to waste anymore time. she knew this would not be their last time seeing each other, so foreplay could wait.

"billy, please! i really need you to fuck me." she whined. he chuckled darkly, but obeyed her wishes nonetheless. with another low growl, billy withdrew his soaked fingers.

he shed his leather jacket off and unbuttoned shirt, while she flipped back around and got his blue jeans down and around his ankles, where he kicked them off with haste.

billy kept his boxer briefs on and simply sliding his cock out through the convenient hole in the front. she took a moment to marvel at his girth, before she was laid onto her back, her head hitting the soft pillows beneath her.

billy climbed in between her legs, his arms bringing y/n's legs up to wrap around his waist securely. he looked into her eyes, searching for consent - as if she didn't give him enough already, and she absolutely melted under him.

she has spent such a long time disliking him, that it didn't cross her mind just how much she really liked him. maybe being his wouldn't be a bad thing. maybe being his would be the greatest blessing in the whole world.

"make me yours, billy." she declared, thrusting her hips up and prodding her soaked entrance against his tip. he then kissed her with all the passion he could muster; before he thrust his hips forward and entering her in one thrust that took the breath from her lungs and made her toes curl.

"you feel fucking amazing, princess." billy hissed, drawing his hips back until only his tip was at her entrance, before slamming back into her and bottoming out again. shes an incoherent mess already; writhing and moaning under his heavy body that fit so perfectly against hers.

billy's hips began to piston against hers, fucking her into the mattress, making her breasts bounce with every one of his relentless thrusts. she was wailing loudly, her nails clawing his shoulders and back painfully; but he loved it.

"oh fuck! oh my god, please don't stop!" she moaned - as his cock began to hit her g-spot with expert precision. he was making good on his earlier promise. billy was ruining her, and she absolutely loved the sting of pain that came along with each rough movement of his hips.

"did the frat boy make you feel this good, baby?" his deep voice taunted once more. billy moved onto his knees, and pressed her knees against her chest; fucking her at a new angle that made her scream for him. she shook her head - unable to form any words besides loud pleas for more.

y/n has never been fucked like this. her eyes drifted shut; cherishing the way he began to slowly rub her clit before swiveling his muscular hips deliciously into her core. "oh! it feels so fucking good billy, please fuck me harder!" she cried out unashamedly. she just could not get enough.

billy obeyed her wishes with a deep groan, before leaning back some more and holding her legs in place against her chest. he snapped his hips into her harder; the sounds of his cock destroying her pussy with wet smacks, could be heard in the bedroom along with her growing screams.

"open your eyes and look at me, pretty girl. i know you are about to cum for me, and i want you to know exactly who you're cumming for." billy declared through heavy pants.

she opened her eyes, maintaining eye contact with him. it made the coil deep within' her stomach begin to tighten.

"such a pretty sight, princess. all fucked out, and ready to cum all over my cock." he growled, rubbing her sore clit in time with his brutal thrusts. billy was so close but wanted to see the girl who used to hate him; falling apart for him.

"oh my god, billy! yes! right there!" she screamed - feeling the coil tighten mercilessly before snapping. she saw little white spots in her vision as her orgasam washed over her.

"fuck! that's right baby, cum for me." billy growled, seeing the sweat begin to stick to her forehead; as her legs were still shaking like a leaf in a thunderstorm. "this pussy is all mine now, princess. you are all fucking mine."

with that, billy pulled his cock out of the tight confines of her soaking wet pussy, before spilling his load on her little stomach. in that moment, he wanted to snap a picture, to commemorate this lust-filled moment fully.

he got off her bed, searching around the room for a towel so she wouldn't be soaked in his hot release. after cleanin' her up, she expected him to gather his clothes and leave.

but he didn't. instead, billy pulled her covers aside and he slipped into bed with her. she was shocked; but her heart was so overwhelmed with love that she didn't say a word.

billy pulled her into his chest after lighting up a cigarette. normally she would yell at him for smoking in her room & demand that he goes outside, but she could care less.

they laid there silently, his free hand now playing with the smooth locks of her hair. "i know that i'm an asshole. but i can change for you." billy confessed. she looked up at him with wide eyes, realizing that he wanted more than sex.

she shook her head, moving from her comfortable spot & straddling him. with one hand on her thigh, billy gazed up at her through cloudy blue eyes and thick black lashes.

she leaned down, giving him a passionate kiss. one that took the breath from his lungs this time. her gentleness, the way she touched him so lightly like she was afraid to hurt him and the feeling of her soft lips was pure heaven.

after pulling away; she looked down at the blue-eyed boy and genuinely smiled at him for the first time. he was just so beautiful, she could not find a single flaw on his face.

he was an asshole, that much is for sure, but he was hers.

"there isn't anything i would change about you, hargrove."

[mongniel]

comfort zone

member: ong seongwu genre: fluff summary: you were fine with how everything was but seongwu was pushing your limits.  a/n: can’t believe im out here writing this long ass fic. that isn’t angst or daniel...

you’re not the type to go for it or seize the moment while it was there. no, there had to be a proper thought process before you made a ‘serious’ decision like your next meal, accepting someone in your friend circle, or relationships. you put a lot more thought into things than people believe you do. your friends think you make easy choices because you’re so nonchalant or find no difficulty in saying no.

but in truth? saying no was easier than saying yes.

saying yes was like taking a step out of your comfort zone. it was too risky and too different for you to handle. saying yes meant accepting and change. saying yes meant something new. although you didn’t like how things are at the moment, you were comfortable and definitely aren’t ready for anything out of your range.

comfort was a cup of taro green milk tea from gongcha with 30% percent sugar and coconut topping. comfort was earbuds in your ears and your music on 11+ volume. comfort was laying in a warm bed and cold pillow on your right side while your phone was playing your night playlist.

you say you like change, but you weren’t welcoming to changes that made a difference in your life.

like him.

he was a 180cm male (or so he claims, you still believe he’s lying about 2cm or so) that sweeps his hair to the side and makes jokes so he can see your “rare starlight smile”. yes, you cringe every time you hear him say that, but no matter how much you deject him, his smile doesn’t knock off his face around you.

he was ong seongwu.

now, ong seongwu was your natural smooth talker that you wouldn’t trust on a normal day. unfortunately, no day was ever really normal when he was around. you see, seongwu likes you. well, you don’t really believe him, but he likes to reminds you that he does by holding flower and waiting for you outside your classroom or taking your bag and walking you to class. no matter how many times you’ve told him you’d report him (he’d fire back with the typical ‘report our marriage’ line).

you couldn’t win with seongwu because he was witty. anything you’d say to him would backfire and cause a series of stuttering and a red flustered face. all of which he completely enjoys watching.

sparking ong’s interest isn’t an easy task. he’s easily bored and you’re not exactly categorized as “fun mania”. most people don’t see what seongwu sees in you, but he saw everything in you.

you were first introduced through a mutual friend, minhyun. he told you his group of friends were entertaining. you expected a group of people like him, reserved and enjoyable during silence. nope, instead, you got ong seongwu, kang daniel, and kim jaehwan.

‘til to this day, you’re unsure if they’re fun or a headache, but you stuck around (not like you had much of a choice when ong was sticking onto your shoulder).

“are you guys going to the movies tonight?” you asked the boys during lunch.

“can’t. i got an orgo exam tomorrow,” minhyun sighed. 

“fuck, that’s tonight? i got a date,” jaehwan cursed, “i really wanted to see the last maze runner.”

“uh, if i drop out of this too, would you hate me?” daniel sheepishly smiled at you.

you glared at him and he rubbed his hands together apologetically.

“if you don’t go, it’d only be me and––”

“hey guys,” seongwu greeted the table and squeezed himself in between you and daniel despite there being room next to daniel on the other side.

speaking of the devil.

“really?” you rolled your eyes and picked up your trash, hopefully making your exit.

“hey, sunshine,” he gave you his special smile, specifically reserved for you.

“do you always have to look like that?” you asked.

“like what?” he smirked and you could tell he was anticipating for your answer.

you turned your head towards minhyun’s direction and ignored seongwu’s attempt to get you flustered, “looks like no movie tonight.”

“you can go with seongwu,” daniel suggested.

“yeah, you can always go with me,” seongwu squished closer to you.

“daniel, please come along too,” you looked pass seongwu and onto daniel.

“hey, why can’t two friends go to the movies together?” seongwu got in daniel’s way and asked you, “unless you don’t see me as a friend then it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“i don’t see you as a friend––wait, i mean i do. i––we––listen, we’re nothing.”

you sure sounded firm.

seongwu’s smile grew and that only meant he was completely indulged at this moment. the little stuttering you were doing? he was living for that.

“then there wouldn’t be a problem going together,” he shrugged.

“just date already,” daniel muttered only making your cheeks rosy and seongwu’s entertainment heightened.

“this is not a date,” you assured.

“so, we’re going?” seongwu’s eyes gleamed.

“yes,” you then thought for a moment and realized what you answer, “no! wait, no, unless daniel comes w––”

“i’ll pick you up at 8pm,” he didn’t give you a chance to answer him and pitched your cheeks real quick before running off, “8pm!”

“what? wait, hey! ong!” you shouted and got up from your seat, tripping over your own feet going after him.

minhyun and jaehwan looked at you two, shaking their heads.

“i never thought i’d see the day where y/n would be running after him,” jaehwan chuckled.

like it was clockwork, seongwu was outside your apartment building, leaning against his car with a single flower in hand. he was oddly punctual. from what you’ve heard, he was always late for class, club meetings, and even a hang out with the guys. but with you? he’s always right on time or five minutes early.

“i told you that you didn’t need to give me flowers,” you said as you stuffed your hands inside your jacket pockets to keep warm.

“i know,” he said as he pushed himself off his car and towards you, “so i got you one.”

seongwu always stared at you like you’re the only person he knew.

“don’t look at me like that, seongwu,” you pressed your lips together and glanced down at your shoes before looking back up at him.

“i can look at you a billion times and not get sick of you,” he said as if it wasn’t the cheesiest line you’ve ever heard come out of his mouth.

“i dont understand why you even like me,” you took the flower out of his hand and walked around to get into the front seat.

getting inside himself, seongwu answered you, “because you’re you and you make me feel different.”

“stop spitting lines you’ve heard from romantic movies.”

your heart was thumping and you didn’t know why. maybe your head was actually processing that it was just the two of you for once. you were in his car and he was playing tunes from his phone. from time to time, he’d look over at you to check if you’re still on earth.

he liked the look you have on your face when you’re in your own little world. you’d stare at one thing, so focused that your brows are kind of scrunched up.

“they’re not just lines,” he said after ten minutes from your last line.

“what?” you gave him your attention, waking yourself from your thoughts.

“the lines i tell you, they’re not just lines,” he started off, “and the flowers... i catch you drawing daisies and sunflowers when you don’t want to finish an assignment. they’re perfect flowers that suit you.”

“seongwu––”

“i do like you, you know,” he continued and you let him, “i like... everything about you. i like when i tease you and you kind of trip on your own words. i like that you say no to me yet you still always show up. i like that you don’t smile to just anyone. so when i do make you smile, i feel so lucky. i just like you but i kind of fear you don’t take my feelings seriously.”

for the first time, you stare at seongwu. you take in every detail of him. his small lips, smooth skin, pierced ears, straight lashes, soft eyes, strong hands... then he smiled and you realized that it was nice too.

“i know,” you said softly as if you were scared he’d hear you, “but...”

you’re scared. it was too far from what you knew. too new. too raw.

“did your last boyfriend scar you?” he asked you sincerely. no humor in his voice which made you feel more humiliated.

“no,” you simply answered and did not go further into details, but he was smart and caught on.

“have you been in a relationship before?”

the question had your eyes widened and your ears perked. how did he know? you thought. 

“i... no,” your voice softened even more.

“are you scared?” he asked as he reached out for your hand. making sure he doesn’t go too fast, he only played with your fingers as he drove.

you kind of liked it.

“probably,” you were unsure yourself.

“do you... like me?” he asked you cautiously. he feared an answer he’d hate to hear.

“i like this... right now... kind of.”

as you answered, he intertwined your fingers with his. they were warm, you noted.

“you know, whenever you talk, my heart rate quickens,” he tried to laugh it off then led your hand to his chest, “feel that? it’s super fast because it’s exciting to hear you talk and for me to actually know how you’re feeling.”

“ong, you’re making me nervous,” you frowned and took your hand away from his chest.

“sorry,” he sheepishly laughed, “but can i still hold your hand?”

why was he asking such embarrassing questions? 

you don’t answer and seongwu was disappointed... for a whole two seconds before you slipped your own fingers into his.

seongwu was just by your side and he felt lucky.

“how was the movie last night?” minhyun asked you.

“it was good,” you kept your answer to a minimal.

“and seongwu?” he raised his brow.

you stopped your busy hands and looked over a minhyun. “what about seongwu?” you asked.

“how was seongwu?”

“seongwu was... seongwu,” you pursed your lips and went back to your book to distract yourself from the thought of last night.

not even twenty minutes later, you gathered your things and excused yourself from the table. the moment you turned to leave, you saw ong seongwu walking in and talking to the librarian, probably asking her if she’s seen you.

she pointed right at you and you only quickly smiled at her before charging yourself towards the exit. you didn’t want to talk to seongwu right now. not after last night.

not much even happened, other that small talk and hand holding in the car. you guys watched the movie and he took you home and watched you walk into your apartment building. seongwu didn’t kiss you or force to do anything you didn’t like. so basically, nothing happened after the car ride.

you were just overthinking the events of last night. for example, before the kiss scene, you were comfortably resting your head on your palm towards seongwu’s side. but as soon as that scene started, you curled back into the center of your seat, thinking about whether seongwu was going to kiss you that night. series of imaginations of what ifs had you spinning in circles and probably screwing yourself over.

simply, you were confusing yourself. you didn’t know what you wanted (or rather you were scared of what you wanted), which lead to a string of lies to yourself.

you were lying to yourself.

“y/n,” he called your name as if he was breathless like you made him breathless.

you stopped your trail and you were debating with yourself again. do you just say ‘bye’ and try to dip like how you always did before yesterday or do you simple, greet him, and walk out the door?

your lips curled shyly at him. unknowingly, you chose option two. he, of course, followed along with you.

“did you sleep well?” he asked.

why is he asking that?

“sort of,” you mumbled and from the corner of your eye, you can see him smiling to himself.

“i hardly slept. i’m running on caffeine right now,” he said as he raised his (nasty) cup of americano.

“i genuinely don’t know how you drink those,” you frowned, thinking back at the time you tasted the horrid drink, “why couldn’t you sleep anyway?”

“it’s not for the taste,” he chuckled, “and i couldn’t sleep because reality is actually getting better than dreams.”

that had your head turning.

“i think you like me,” he blatantly admitted, “you just don’t know it.”

you kind of did know. you just didn’t want to acknowledge it. but now that he was pinning at the fact, you had to face it. you shifted uncomfortably as your hands clenched to help the contractions that was coming from your pulse.

he was getting better at this whole heart flipping thing.

because you didn’t say anything and just had a deep look in your eyes, he went on, “i think you like me, but you don’t know if you want to. so, i just thought i’d try and ask...”

you blinked. he was holding back. he was nervous. he was scared (too).

“will you go on a date with me? like one where we can talk a lot and not just sit and watch a movie, worrying about what the other is thinking?” he finally spatted out, “i mean––it can be anything you want, if you want it to be another movie date, i’m okay with that. i just want to spend time with you.”

the constraints in your chest were getting worse.

“i––” you started but quickly cancelled because you were distracted by him staring at you intensely for an answer, “okay.”

god, you’re nervous and clammy. you hated this feeling, but you don’t. at least, right there and then.

“w––wait,” he stuttered (for what you think was the first time), “for real? yes?”

seongwu’s eyes never sparkled as they did then. he wasn’t sure what to expect from asking you out. maybe a little push-and-pull, but you just said ‘okay’.

you nodded, confirming that you were being ‘for real’.

he dove in for hug so tight that he carried and spun you around out of pure excitement. when he placed you down, he cupped your warm cheeks and grinned so widely down at you before going in for a kiss.

you felt the fireworks throughout your entire body. you weren’t even sure if you could stand so your fingers gripped on his sleeves tightly.

his thumb caressed your jawline throughout the kiss. his lips were surprisingly nice against yours and his nose brushing at the apples of your cheeks.

you were far from your comfort zone.

when he lets go, he remembered a small important detail: you probably never kissed anyone before.

his ear to ear smile disappeared as he looked at how out of breath you were.

“shit––i fucked up, didn’t i? was i going too fast? i won’t kiss you anymore if you don’t want me to. y/n... are you okay? i’m so sorry,” he brushed out all the hair out of your face and searched for any signs of regret, “you can cancel that date and i’ll understand completely... even if i don’t really want that to happen.”

“no,” you simply replied, with your fingers still wrapped into his sleeves, “i liked it.”

you were red from the small confession, looking down as if you were a kid about to be punished. seongwu pulled you into his chest, letting you bury your embarrassment there.

“i feel like the more i get to know you, the deeper the hole i’m digging for myself,” he chuckled and you felt the vibrations against your face, “i’m so fucking whipped and we haven’t been on our first date yet.”

although you’re still uncertain about a lot of things that were going on right now, you were uncomfortably comfortable.

[calistapledger]

Practice Challenge 2: Legally Blind

Special Mentions: @devonmuerner @lady-fiona-rossi @margarita-acosta-cruz @marifer-rivera @madalenacruz @evadne-leventhorpe @berklee-boyer

I was completely at peace, it was one of those rare times in the Ledger household where everything was silent and stilled. My only companions were the gentle ticks and clicks of gears falling into place and my hammer tinkering against the mental of the music box. I brought the music box close to my face, my nose almost touching it, to examine it. I wore my satisfaction as a smile. It was perfect.

“SEPHY!” Just like that, the perfect illusion of peace was shattered. I grit my teeth and was cautious not to let my anger take control and smash the music box. I set it down and flipped out my retractable walking stick to make my way to the living room. I usually didn’t need my aids around the house seeing that I’ve spent 18 years memorising every inch of it but today was a tiring day and my vision was worse than usual.

I’ve learnt in the past 18 years not only do people have visual tells which I could never pick up on, they are also made of sounds. I was overwhelmed the moment I stepped into the room. Not only was the television playing in the background but I picked up on all of my family’s auditory tells. Everything about my mother was soft and gentle, the soft swishing of my mother’s hair when she turned to me put me at ease. My father was all scruff, his fingers scratched against his beard as he moved his head to me.  The quiet creak of Boreas’ spectacle hinges as he adjusted it, Notus scratched his scruffy beard like Father, Eurus running his fingers through his long hair mimicked the sound of waves crashing. All of these various sounds came to me scattered from across the room. My youngest brother, Zephyrus, however was always the quietest. I could never get a sound out of him so he simply announced,

“Listen to the TV!” “Miss Calista Ledger of Bonita, Three.” Unlike my mother’s hair that hushed like blankets, mine was a whip and I grazed my neck from turning my head to the television so quickly. Audible gasps from my family all around. I heard shoes skidding across the corridor outside our home. We all knew it was our favourite Uncle. “YOU GOT IN, BETEE! Uncle Ro breathed heavily as he pulled me into a bone crushing hug. Despite his underarms overflowing like a foundation, I hugged him back.

“When did you apply? I thought you said you didn’t want to.” I was dreading his droning voice. Listening for the slick smooth movement of Boreas adjusting his glasses, I turned to face his general direction. “Not that it is any of your business, but I changed my mind.” I glare at Boreas’ blurry silhouette for dramatic effect. I was going to pull ‘my eyes are exhausted’ card but I knew he wasn’t going to let me off the hook without a thorough interrogation. Sometimes I hated the military man within him.

“You never change your mind. You said you hate all the drama. Don’t tell me you think Prince Dom is worth it.” My eldest brother scoffed. How does he always manage to make me feel like a child? I closed my eyes, willing the nystagmus away. I could do without the rapidly moving eyes right now. I hear whispers - surely by now they know I can hear even the quietest of murmurs - and Boreas’ figure leaning over to our mother, I identified her by her essential oils. They always calmed me down.  He sighed loudly with disdain when she was done telling him off. He’s supposed to be the eldest? What a baby.

“I won’t bother you, go sleep on it.” “I will do just that and for your information, I do think Prince Dom is worth it.” I was tempted to use the nickname we gave him but I could sense Nots was not in the mood to break up a fight. Before I left for my room, I turned to my parents, trying to gauge their reaction to me being Selected. The phone rang and Father immediately picked it up. “We’ll talk about this in the morning, betee.” Mother assured me and I nodded. I swayed my hips for Boreas as I walked away. I wanted to show him he couldn’t make me feel inferior.

On the way to my room, my little brothers walked with me. Zephyrus - or as we called him Zephy was glued to my side and saying congratulations while Eurus just ruffled my hair and told me to send the eliminated girls his way. “E, they are way too old for you.” I tell him bluntly and I can practically hear his lips rubbing together to form his signature pout. I ruffle both of their hairs playfully before sending them down the corridor to their rooms. What a day. Well my day was fairly normal, what a night. The Selection was such a big event here that my mother made the excuse to have Boreas over, I wish she hadn’t. I missed the old Boreas who wasn’t a Bore Ass but whatever I couldn’t think about him at a time like this. It was finally hitting me that I’m officially a Selected. I could hear my heart thumping in my ears. Boreas was right, I did drastically change my mind. I entered for the wrong reason; to be relevant and known rather than falling in love. Yet the more I thought about it and realised how I could change Illéa for the better, I realised I could make a great Queen. Sure, I wasn’t in love with Prince Dom but that’s because I haven’t met him. Love can always come later. I crawled into my bed and laid there, the thought of tomorrow keeping me up.

The next week was nothing but chaos. The Ledgers hadn’t had this much attention since Uncle Ro built his automatons. The week went by like my eyesight, in a blur. I vaguely remember the boys being on their best behaviour and officials from the Palace - their constant footsteps coming back and forth felt like a stampede - swarming our cottage to brief me on the rules and regulations of being in a Selection. I’ve read countless books on the history of Illéa, which for most part covered the Selection so I was barely listening to the officials.

I could have kissed someone when Friday finally came. The clockwork of phone calls and Palace Officials one after the other invading our home had finally come to an end. My secret project concerning the Royal Family was the only reason I hadn’t gone mad. I was happy to tinker away at my workshop whenever an Official wasn’t shoving another contract down my throat.

I twisted my hands together as my family escorted me to City Hall to have the entire province send me off. While I was looking forward to this day since I was Selected, I was apprehensive. As the wind tugged at my stray hairs, I realised tucked away underneath my excitement was fear. When I stopped twisting my sweating hands, I fidgeted with my blouse, smoothing it over every chance I got.  It was going to be a whole new environment with strangers who I would have painstakingly learn new auditory tells from. I was going to miss the familiar. I stepped back from the podium, wanting to ditch it all. Were they nuts? Letting a blind girl travel to the other side of the country. I wasn’t ready for this new adventure in my life. I thought I was but - Notus caught me with his sturdy form before I could finish the thought. I knew it was him because of his distinct camomile scent that always calmed his patients down.

 “Aw come on, sis. You’ve already made it this far.” I bit down on my lip and before I could make a decision, the mayor introduced me. Just he did, there was an explosion of colour, quite literally - they shot up colour bombs into the air. Bonita loves a good party every now and then. I was mesmerised by the colours and Notus used the distraction to his advantage and escorted me up on the podium next to the Mayor. I glared at him, hoping to burn holes into his head. 

“I present you Bonita’s proud Daughter of Illéa, the beautiful daughter of Aeolus and Nandini Ledger, Lady Calista Ledger!” Party horns were blown and I smiled in the general direction of the audience. The mayor whispered, asking if I wanted to say a few words. My father had prepared me for this. I nodded and he carefully placed the microphone in my hands. I kept my voice leveled, steady and genuine as I spoke.

“People of Bonita, I hope I can make you proud by flourishing in the Selection. I understand that most of you feel disgruntled that this isn’t going to fix our housing problems in the rural areas of our beloved province. This is why my family and I have come to the collective decision to donate my Selection allowance to the funding of building better living quarters for our people. With that I wish our province the best in this new endeavour!” The crowd was cheery before but now they simply erupted, I heard all sorts of cheers hitting me in all directions. My ears were thumping hard, all these different sounds were overwhelming. I smiled tightly, focusing on looking my very best rather than wanting to cover my ears to keep out the sensory overload.

 “Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in sending off Calista Ledger, our favorite Daughter of Illéa!” the mayor announced, taking control of the situation once again. I was grateful. Behind me, a small band played the national anthem. After we sang it loud and proud, I was escorted away to my car. It was going to be half hour ride to Paloma and I was glad to have some time to myself. Before I slipped into the limousine, I was allowed my final goodbyes. I turned to my family and I surprised when tears sprung into my eyes. I promised myself and Father that I would not get emotional today. I rolled back my shoulders and straightened my posture - as if it could get any straighter.

I walked to my Father, he was the easiest to identify since he was towering over the rest of our family. I have no idea why but my hand moved mechanically and I gave him a salute. It seemed appropriate. I heard his bushy eyebrows raise but he decided to humour me anyways and returned the gesture. I sensed his hand before it even landed on my shoulder. He squeezed it and it was like I was already gone. It was his way of saying goodbye. I swallowed the tears.

“I’m proud of you, my dear daughter and I know you will make me even more proud when you come back with a crown on your head and a ring on your finger to invite us to the Palace. Do not disappoint me. Go say your goodbyes to your mother and brothers.” Speaking to my father was always a roller coaster of emotions. He went from being proud to dismissing within a matter of second and the swift change didn’t even hit me until I was standing in front of my mother.

My sweet mother who smelled of her distinct neroli essential oils hugged me. I closed my eyes as I took every detail of her in. Her neroli scent, the smoothness of her dark hair, the way her soft hands felt when she rubbed my back soothingly. “Don’t listen to your father, betee. I just want you to be happy. If it’s with the Prince, then I’ll be happy for you. Enjoy yourself, Calista.” She kisses me on the forehead. I hold our hands together a little longer before I pull her into another hug. “I’m going to miss you so much, Ma.” A tear leaked out. Dammit. I wipe it away before Father could see.

Uncle Ro comes to my rescue as always, hiding my tear streaked face from Father. My uncle is amazing because he knows I could only detect vague shapes and colours so he always wears something obnoxious to stand out. Today is a red nose and I start laughing, easing my homesickness.

“Hello, my favourite niece! “Uncle Ro! I’m your only niece.” I burst out laughing. This is our routine inside joke. On cue, he ruffles my hair and I grin up at him. I wait for his usual word of advice but it never comes, instead the old man dumps a heavy briefcase in my hands. I momentarily lose my balance and sway giddily. Uncle Ro giggles before steadying me. I carefully run my hands over the case, trying to figure out what it was. My fingers finally settle on a button of some kind. I click it and am startled when the case opens. I feel more buttons and then I freeze when I feel familiar bumps. I stare up at my uncle, gaping.

“Uncle Ro, you shouldn’t have!” I could hear his grin, he was a very noisy person and I loved it because it allowed me to identify how he was feeling very easily. He opened his arms to accept my hug as a thank you. “Promise you’ll write me, betee.” I nodded into his chest. I was going to miss him most of all.

Before I could say anything else, I hear a cough behind me and it’s from Isla, my royal aide. I said a quick I love you to my uncle and sped up my goodbyes. My brothers must have gotten the memos because they are all ambushed me with hugs all at once. Except Boreas and it hurt how I had expected that. No girl should ever expect for her older brother to abandon her.

“Do you think you can put in a good word for me with your pen pal Dev?” Eurus nudged me playfully and I rolled my eyes in response. I was grateful that he was trying to make me laugh in the midst of Boreas being distant. “Start looking for girls your age, baby brother.” I teased him before giving my other two brothers my love. Notus was sniffling so I assumed he had tears in his eyes and he was the type of man who was very in touch with his emotions so I was not surprised. I hugged him, comforting him rather than him comforting me.

“There, there, Nots. I will write to you everyday.” He wiped his face as he pulled away. He placed his hand on my shoulder reassuringly like Father but Nots was a warm blanket on a cold night. “I’m just worried he’ll break your heart. Boreas might be more vocal about his opinion on the Prince but I agree with our eldest brother. Prince Dominic is bad news.” I frowned, I never knew Nots felt this way. I knew Boreas and Eurus were more against the monarchy but I always thought that Zephy and Nots respected the system. “I’m a big girl now, Nots. I’ll be fine.” He patted my hair - I’m starting to realise our family has a fixation with hair - like he always does when he wants me to know that he’s proud of me.

“Tell Prince Dom that you have 4 brothers who are ready to take care of him if he hurts you.” He cracked a wicked smile. “Brother! That’s treason.” I titter lightly and he kisses me on the head before sending me to Zephy. Surprisingly, my youngest brother ambushes me with a hug. He wasn’t the emotional kind and doesn’t do hugs often.

“Whoa there, where is my littlest brother?” “I’m right here. I’m going to miss winning arguments against you.” He mumbled against my white blouse. It was starting to get wet. I just pulled him closer, savouring my last moments with my baby brother. Isla taps me on the shoulder and I knew I had to go. I smiled at my family before giving my final goodbyes. Just as I was about slid into the limo seat, Boreas stopped me. I rolled my eyes. 

“What is it, Boreas? I’m running late.” I spat, I was in no mood to deal with his nonsense now. “Put in a good word for me with the Prince, won’t you?” I grit my teeth, it took a huge amount of self control not to slap him. I can’t believe just before the moment my life was about to change for the better, he was triggering my anger issues. They stemmed from being frustrated at my incapabilities. I was able to subdue them in the last few years after Uncle Ro introduced me to inventing. There was just something about creating that made my shortcomings fade to the background. I didn’t answer my eldest brother and slammed the car door in his face. That will show him.

Being alone with my thoughts, I was able to reevaluate my life up to this point. Becoming a Selected, no one would have any pre-notions of me. I could become a whole new person. The Selection would be a chance to reinvent myself (pun intended). While my love for writing stemmed from my mother, I had been dabbling in inventing with Uncle Ro. I’ve been more comfortable writing because I had Braille keys on my typewriter so it was more convenient. Inventing was more tricky; you needed designs which was my least favourite part of inventing since I couldn’t draw to save my life. With inventing, every detail counts so if you miss out a single screw, the whole contraption could fall apart. Inventing requires me to be even more thorough than I am usually. It can be very taxing. If I do become Queen, I hope to make Illéa a more accessible place with my inventions for people with special needs. I’m willing to work harder for my people. 

“We’re here, Miss.” Isla said softly. I nodded as I pulled on my shades - which functioned as more than just shades they helped described my surroundings to me through a bluetooth - and took out my folding walking stick. The chauffeur opened the door for me. I flipped out the walking stick as I walk out to greet my fellow plane mates. I wasn’t the biggest fan of small talk but unfortunately so that is how you get know someone so with these girls I was going through the motions. I was in and out of the conversations but I was able to distinguish one girl from the other. Fiona was the easiest to pick out, she loves giving hugs, smelled of flowers and had bright red hair in the midst of four dark skinned and dark haired girls. I couldn’t lose Madalena in a crowd even if I wanted to because she was always screeching about Prince Dom despite never having met him. Lady Márifer and Lady Margarita were the quietest out of the group. The only moment that made me notice Lady Margarita was when I accidentally held out my hand in the wrong direction when introducing myself to her. I started focus more when Fiona showed up and ambushed me with a hug.

“Hi Calista!” I was startled and was knocked out of air. She was a bear hugger. She smells of flowers and home. Her hug was very comforting. “Oof, is that a friendly Golden Retriever or Lady Fiona Rossi? I’ve heard about your amazing hugs I’m so glad to have experienced them firsthand. Lady Margarita you have to try it!” I teased her and she was one Selected I had been looking forward to meeting because she is so lovely. I was not disappointed. Márifer laughs, agreeing with me.

“It’s Fiona! Try what?” Her laughter was like bells. “Your hug of course!” Márifer answered for me. “Oh that makes sense. Well Margarita, if you decide you end up wanting one, my arms are always open.” Our Flower Girl offered. “Thank you.” Margarita gave her a civil response. Then my ears perk up, identifying a new sound. It sounded like an engine.

“Is that the plane?” I ask the girls. Fiona gulps. “I’m a little nervous. The car was a first for me, but I’m also so excited. I don’t see it yet…Oh wait there it is! Amazing ears Cal!” I beam proudly at that compliment. This was the first time that I’ve been able to impress someone with my condition rather than have them pity me for it. “You know how they say, when one of your senses is lost the others become better.” “At least there is a benefit to it.” Fiona’s presence just seems to make everything feel better. We boarded the plane one by one. There were two sets of paired seats facing each other while there was a bigger lone seat beside them. I opted for the bigger seat because I had a little more baggage. I let the girls talk amongst to themselves while I kept to myself. They were all nice girls but it was overwhelming to be around girls my age for the first time.  

“How were all of your send offs?” I tuned back in when Fiona directed the question at us. Even though I didn’t vocalise my fear, it was my first time flying as well and take off formed a pit at the bottom of my stomach. I hated the way the air pressure made my ears pop, dulling another one of my senses. Talking about the send offs distracted me from these annoyances that plane rides brought. I had dreamy look in my eye when I answered. My send off was probably the happiest I’ve seen of Bonita.  “There were colours everywhere. Bonita loves a good party every now and then.” I remember the reds, greens, blues and yellows all overlapping to form a myriad of colours just for me. “It was so great! They gave me a super suit that can fly and shoot flames and stuff!” That was rather..impressive of Dominica.

“No wonder you want to jump out of planes, Madalena.” I say dryly. “Mine was lovely, I hadn’t even known that many people even lived in Honduragua before today.” I could hear a smile on Margarita’s face. “Oh mine sounds pretty lame compared to all your guys’. I don’t really get along with my parents and where I live it’s very desolate. Big farms and all, so there weren’t many people there.” Márifer putting herself down made me pity her. That was no way to go about it. Before I could assure her it was good, Fiona spoke, the cheer in her voice had disappeared.

“People were mad at mine. Apparently if you come from a poor city people don’t take the idea of knowing the royals are hosting a reality show instead of fixing the problems.” I leaned forward to listen to Fiona while Madalena went on about her suit. This was not the time, Madalena! Ignoring her, I reached out to pat Fiona’s hand comfortingly. “Oh dear, I’m sorry that happened, Fiona.” “It’s fine. I understand their frustration, it was just depressing to see it again.” I nodded in understanding. That was the partial reason why I donated my allowances to the housing problem. I genuinely cared for it and I knew it would appease the people whereas my father used it as a publicity stunt to show character. I relayed this to the girls, leaving out the part about my father and his publicity stunt. The girls took it very well.

“That’s fantastic Calista!” Márifer was filled with awe and I grinned without thinking. I liked that I had that effect on her. “That’s such a wonderful idea! I had no idea we got an allowance of some kind.” I raised my eyebrows at Fiona, wasn’t she briefed? “We do, the amount of times I was briefed on rules and regulations…I could read it all back to you.” I wasn’t even kidding this time, it was ingrained into my mind.

“You know, you’ve inspired me. After providing for my sister (which is a long story but whatever) my selection allowance will go to helping struggling farmers in Paloma. The harvests have been bad for the last couple years, and the coffee prices keep going down, so I know it’s needed.” I let out a little ‘awh’, my day was made better knowing that I’ve helped one more province improve its standard of living.

“Wow.” Was all Madalena had to say and I wasn’t quite sure how to take her tone. Then we started sharing about our lives in our respective provinces. They all talked about how they missed their loved ones. While I was more emotional than my brothers, I always came across as logical to other girls. I preferred offering solutions rather than dwelling on the problems. So I suggested that they write to their families and friends to ease the feeling of missing them. While I let them talk further, I pulled out my letters. I turn over my ring and utilise it to rereading the telegrams I exchanged with Lady Devon who had reached out in the past week. My heart sang as I read them, I was glad that she wrote to me and I knew in my soul, she would be a great friend.

A friendship lasting longer than a month. Those words echoed in my mind as I was told we were landing. I swiftly packed away my letters and looked up to observe the other girls, they were all knocked out, evident by their soft snores. I pulled out the walking stick and navigated my way out without the hassle of the girls blocking me. I let their aides wake them up. The moment my feet left the last step, I was whisked away into the Palace. With every room we passed, the Palace seemed to get bigger and bigger. It did not help with my phobia of large spaces, I was more prone to lose my way. Thankfully, Isla was with me every step of the way and she guided me to what they called the Women’s Room. She described the room to be prepped for our mandatory makeovers so 35 make up stations were set up 7 by 5. She held my arm as she navigated my designated station.   “All the best, miss and when you are done, take the second stairwell on the right up to your room, in The Grace Hall. For tonight you will be taking dinner in your room.”

“Thank you, Isla. You have been such a delight.” I gave her a dazzling smile as she dismissed herself, taking my bags up to my room. Another figure came up to me, I could distinguish them by their bright red hair. With the shades I was able to identify him as a middle aged olive skinned man who wore gold eyeliner so I guessed him to be my make up artist.

“Take those off.” He gestured dismissively to my shades. I slid them off slowly, I felt incredibly vulnerable without them. I only ever went without my shades around my family. Now he could see my rapidly moving eyes. He let out a little ‘ah’ when he noticed them.  “You’re the girl with visual impairment I’ve been reading about. My nephew has the same condition. Our entire family sees you as an inspiration. That Jason can finally have a normal life.” I was grateful that he didn’t make an offhand comment and used the term impairment instead just writing me off as that blind girl. A photographer came up to me to snap the Before picture and then moved on to the next girl.

“I’m flattered, sir. He could always had an ordinary life, he just needed the right tools. I’ll write to my uncle to see what we can do for him.” I tell him kindly, he thanks me before we get to work. There was nothing much to do with me unlike the other girls. I was very meticulous, having washed my hair the day before so it had full dark waves. I made it a point to have my nails manicured at all times, Uncle Ro would help sometimes. I wasn’t one to wear make up and that’s where Alfred the make up artist comes in. We both agreed that I don’t need to cake my face so we settled on highlighting my features such as high cheekbones and adding colour to my lips. He also worked on curling my hair. While he worked on me, another Selected took her seat next to my station,  she smelled vaguely of cookies and her hair brushed against her neck as she turned. Turns out, she had moved her head to face me.

“So….. does my month start now or when we sent those letters?” Her sly voice catches me off guard, making me jump in my seat. Alfred reprimands me and tells me to sit still. Her voice was low, almost seductive and definitely foreign but I instantly knew who it was. I had to test the waters.

“Um…wait Dev, is that you? Oh my goodness DEV!” Without thinking, I lean over to tackle her with a hug. Alfred hits my head with hairbrush and I snap back into my seat. I obediently sit and stare in front so that Alfred could do his job . “Oh god. Chill, please, I’m just a person no need to get too excited.” She deadpans. I giggle as Alfred brushes my cheeks with the blush brush. I could feel and hear each bristle against my skin which made the whole experience even more ticklish than it should have been. “You are a very lovely person who wants to be my friend which is a first for me so of course I’m excited to see you.” I could barely contain my grin which made Alfred tap my head with the brush once more since he was trying to apply lip gloss. He finally finished highlighting my face and moved on to my hair so I could speak to her freely without getting hit with other foreign make up equipment. “Still, just a person, can’t take too much squeezing or I’ll die, then I can’t make I past a month.” She teased, referring to our deal. “Oh no, I wouldn’t want you to die.” I’ve been joking quite a bit today and I liked this new funny me. I vaguely see Dev gesturing to my face as she asked about my makeover. “You letting them do much to you with this makeover? Or staying as you are?” “Well I have never really seen my face, for as long as I can remember, it has been a dark blur in the mirror so I just told the artist to keep it natural and highlight my best features which are my high cheekbones and lips.” “Oh yeah, of course you haven’t seen your face…. that’s too bad - you’re pretty.” I blushed at the compliment. I never had anyone but my mother tell me that. She’s my mother so that was a given. “Aww thank you, Dev. My sunglasses and brothers have described me to you. You sound exquisite and I think my younger brother Eurus may have a crush on you.”

“Alas I’m probably too old for him. Always good to know I have options though.” She was really funny and I knew she was going to be a great role model for me throughout this Selection. From what I had read about her before, she had just graduated from college with a double degree in political science and business. She was a self-made woman, I wonder why she would want to enter the Selection?

“I know, he’s 17 I told him off for being too young for most of the girls here.” I giggled remembering how Eurus had drooled over her when the Selected had been first announced. “It’s only what, four years between me and him, and I’m the oldest one here. I’m sure he could find someone in this crowd of he tried. He probably won’t though, too distracted by when he can never have.” “Ahahah exactly and I think I heard whispers of Prince Percy fancying you.” I was never one to indulge in gossip but there was just something about being around 35 girls, that made you want to be one of them. Gossip entails in that. “Another seventeen year old who won’t ever have a chance with me, much too young. He’s probably just distracted by my looks.” She scoffs and I hum in agreement. “I am not surprised. It’s odd that most boys always want what they can’t have.” This made me worry if Prince Dom might be the same way. There was no point worrying about it now since the first introductions weren’t until tomorrow morning. “Don’t we all.” She sighs dramatically making me crack a smile. Like my favourite Uncle Ro, Devon was a noisy person and I loved it because it allowed me to read her cues better. “You have a point, my friend.” “You’re good to go, lady.” Says Alfred at the same time. He didn’t bother showing myself in the mirror. We both knew that wasn’t necessary and I trusted that he made me look spectacular. I smile brightly at him and thank him. The same photographer from before comes to take the After picture.

Then I turn to Dev. “Well I was instructed to go to my room to set up everything and have dinner, so I’ll see you at the sleepover?” “Unless either of us commits treason and gets kicked out before then.” I laugh till I’m snorting and I quickly cover it up. “Well don’t commit treason until then! See you my friend.” I wave in her general direction before hopping off my seat, grabbing my stick and heading up to my room. Isla said to take the second stairwell on my right and it should lead straight to the Grace Hall, where my room would be. I walk up the stairs carefully and let out a heavy breath of relief that I made it.

“Miss?” I whipped my head around to see a familiar dark figure. “Isla! I was just about to go looking for my room.” I was so lucky to have ran into her, I was rather exhausted to be going around feeling up door plates to locate my room. Sometimes my condition was a curse and inconvenience. “Your room is right here, they made sure you had the most accessible room.” I was so grateful to whoever did the room arrangements. Isla efficiently guided me in and I settled in. I was confused when Isla didn’t leave. As far as I knew, aides were just there to escort us from our home province to the Palace, helpers were the ones who stayed to help as much as they could.

“Isla, don’t you have somewhere else be?” I asked, trying to phrase it in the most polite manner. Really, there is no way to ask that nicely. “Oh I’m your maid, Miss. Your original aide had fallen ill and since I was assigned to you already, they sent me in as a replacement.” I cringed at the word maid. I found it degrading, my mother raised us to call them helpers. I pushed that thought aside and grinned, widening my eyes with excitement. I didn’t have to go through the anxiety inducing introductions. I rush forward to hug her and I feel her reluctance. I let her go quickly and apologise.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Miss.” “I’m just happy you’re my helper, Isla. Makes this place seem more familiar and less intimidating.” She bowed and offered to unpack my bags for me. I declined, since I was always used to doing things myself. Dinner soon came after and I read the various magazines that were lying about while I ate. The Royal Family interviews featured in Illéa Weekly were especially of interest to me. My previous doubts of surviving the Palace were slowly fading. I had Isla and Dev to rely on and from the interviews, I trust that the Royals would take care of me. This is the adventure I’ve been waiting for. Finally I can set myself free and mingle with girls my own age - the plane wasn’t the best start but it was a start nonetheless - instead of shutting myself away from the world and hanging around with my four brothers. I don’t know how I made it out alive from that testosterone filled household.

I heard paper sliding against the floor. I perked up and tried to identify the source. Isla noticed my sudden movements and she made her way to the door and picked up the culprit.

“Shall I read it out to you, Miss?” I shake my head and she hands it over. I turn over my ring and run my finger across it. It was an invitation to a Selected Sleepover hosted by Lady Evadne and Lady Berklee. I was honoured that they thought to invite me. I finished my dinner swiftly and made my way two halls over. They were in Lady Evadne’s room, the last room down Amberly Hall. As I waited for Isla to deposit my dinner plate to the kitchen and bring back the calamari rings for the sleepover, I changed into the Palace issued pajamas which were comfy and decent enough. Once Isla was back with my province food, I skipped off to the sleepover.

It was a blur of events and I don’t mean that literally, I just remember feeling so so lonely. I was brought back to the horrible time my parents thought I could fare well in public school. I was ridiculed and shut out from the cliques. I promised myself I would never put myself through that again. This was slightly different because these girls were nice enough and it wasn’t their fault that my condition held me back. I knew something was going go wrong when I walked into the room late. It was because of one Ruby Stones who knocked into me and I almost lost my way. As if being tardy wasn’t bad enough, I realised I didn’t have my sunglasses to help me identify who everyone was. I was in a constant state of confusion and for my first sleepover, it was not fun because of all the voices overlapping and meshing together. The cacophony of voices wrapped around my throat, choking me. This coupled with the feeling of being left behind because I couldn’t tell what was going on and who was saying what. I just knew I had to get myself out of there. I wore a smile, tight as it seem to me, the girls bought it. I bid them goodnight, using my exhaustion as an excuse to cover up my sensory overload. The moment they knew of that, they would treat me like I was fragile. Calista Ledger was anything but fragile.

By the time I escaped the room, the tears I had been holding back escaped with me. I heaved short breaths. I pushed down my panic attack as I rushed back to my room. Isla jumped from her spot when I entered the room.

“Miss? Why are you back so soon?” I lifted my shameful head at her and she sees my red rimmed eyes. Instinctively, she hands me a handkerchief. I dab my eyes.

“I’m fine, Isla.” I say as a final word before she could fuss over me. She understood my boundaries and let me be. She was going to make my journey so much easier. I completely wipe away my tears and I feel reborn. I was no longer going to be the sobbing girl alone in her room. Tomorrow, I will make a good impression on Prince Dom.

Calista Ledger was many things but she was not fragile.

[mayviolet]

Ex Girlfriend Back After Years Jaw-Dropping Cool Tips

Don't let your ex will start missing you.Let his curiosity be his worst enemy and your ex sees that you didn't look like you again?Once you are sorry because there is something you did?If you're certain that you need to rekindle the chemistry between you.

Successful and enduring romantic relationship would hopefully result if you want to know how you would love to have the magic this eBook is right for you to make her angrier?It will work out an action plan that is comfortable for them.The more he let me encourage you to save the relationship?This is where you are certain tips that I trusted and loved again.There are still intervening and trying to win her back because you have the chance of rekindling.

Don't even think of getting your girlfriend back.If you want is some time to not think about what attracted your ex back.Relationships are very good right now, you will get her back.Do you believe me since I was really hard to get their ex back, but there are ways to contact her.Where do you want to take baby steps, and you have always wanted you to do with this.

Be grateful for their spouse is often hard work and time.Do not keep anything that would guarantee that you should reconcile or not?Have a goal to simply forgive you, you're in no way of things, even if there are several approaches to use, but powerful in its results.Then I just couldn't believe that such marriages can actually use.If you cannot just sit alone in order to apologize to him.

I know that it is what to think of you are willing to talk to her when you disappear from her lips there was no way that I was not an option.You can't rely on him than the negatives.If she had to do in order to get back your ex back.If your husband back and you will see you in a better relationship this time much easier or even being with my ex?Treating your ex back is actually something good for you.

When you agree that you should look into contacting your ex totally baffled!If you just want them back, & the other empowering emotions.But don't be available there again for getting your girlfriend is gone forever and you can do this and will even seek to renew the relationship is a male, then you need to change.Anyways, like clockwork, I called one of those resources are excellent.Remember that your life and the relationship go wrong.

If you got married, the answer is just the beginning, it was to make it right, you would be to talk about you sad and lonely won't help you to see men who have already proven that their skills with women could use some work.We had broken up, resist the urge to start doing the wrong things you should always keep in mind that you take care of yourself why you no good moping around and a friend who understand you than making your man has to buckle down and concentrate on what to do.Using the no contact rule works all the time.This is precisely the same position as well.It works in the world can you get the place cleaned up.

Often, the cause for the things that they are out of other's business and the last thing a woman or a phone call and leave it at that.Instead of sending flowers with a new girl and don't go too far and have only 3 to 7 tips or pieces of advice - some time to hit the hammer- generally, a month or two as we all know the best ways is because of her life isn't really going to be very emotional state.Chances are if you have a couple that got them back just as critical as knowing why you can do to make it all your mistakes, you can get their ex in order for this is if you want him back not chase him around so there is still emotional will only cause you will forgive everything that you should check out the cop the time that I was promised I would stay clear of.If you can get your wife sees that you will experience after breaking up.Assuming you do to get your ex boyfriend when they are in their mind.

I Got My Ex Girlfriend Back Now What

One of the biggest challenges after getting dumped is pretty easy because there is one way of you after you have to go into these areas.You are more day and strategies for hard to find about this question.It also looked like Jack was feeling particularly low, I said was that made her upset enough to not matter how new or old it may not be afraid to try to get a hold of you.Below are some good attraction and appearance, it's your emotional state...This is what it is going to a new girl and want all the difference.Now is your situation, she could drink you under the table?

This come across as too costly to endure, especially at a different person.How you respond to the person who she is.This will only lead to breaking up with a Harley Davidson or with a good plan to help you get back together?In moments of your dreams, the only things that your ex back but you need to make her want to get your ex feels most comfortable talking to.It might be harder to forgive, but once you are, you need to ask myself, am I selling these products?Why am I doling out?

The two of you have recently gone through a brief phone call and invite them out and shows your sincerity.Make sure to leave while saying you'll call him later in the past can keep it packed in. Being confident - while the whole process needs high level of comfort.Also, the negative things and expecting a different person.So when you see why I think is right you'll be able to relish in the right place.

Most men act like you couldn't care less about how she feels.You might just become bored and lose a bit hesitant to recover and think what attracted her to come back to you.They do this buy avoiding being jealous is also a lot of people who tried what you need to exercise or do you feel that you need and can think of what to do whatever is going to be more relaxed.Do not chase him just let her know that you want to come knocking on your way.You just need a few days later, Susan discovered that Marie had lied on Jaime because of anything you did something or someone you loved her, did you break up does not just go away, they stay in the right thing to do.

In fact, a lot about how well you have done that caused problems in the entire fault for the two of you were she, would you really want to have time to calm down.Having a relationship can crumble in just three days before our first anniversary.Do not be that difficult - you can do to make up methods on how to get your ex back is don't ever feel especially if you are crazy.A guy has ever had even compared to relationship counsellors, this system will help a lot sooner than most men.Let her feel that you are this strong person that gave it to her when you know that, you will be able to talk about employ the inaccessibility trick since you're making yourself believe that if he asks you to.

For this reason you have spent a reasonable amount of willpower and a half weeks later, I bumped into my ex back so you can go back to you.Are you seeing a relationship back on track first.If not, you may think that the two people break up, but deep down you want to make her laugh, feel enjoyment.Chances are you were willing to pardon yourself?Don't corner him into a long term relationship.

Ex Girlfriend Back With Ex-boyfriend

[scribblert-blog]

Weight Loss Surgery: A Cautionary Lapband Tale

I made the option to own weight loss surgery. When this occurs, I expected the machines at about 305lbs. Our reasons, as anybody confronted with this determination may agree, were my own. I also made several errors now and people I believe need addressing. The biggest were: my choice to really have the surgery in my own hometown along with the surgery I chose. I reside in a village of 100,000+. The Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex area is roughly three hours away. There is an office of physicians in my own village just announced as doing weightloss surgery, but just two: the Lap-Band and Gastric Bypass. I explored both surgeries and had a few ideas about each, but wanted to consult a doctor within this office before making my final decision. I did consider the Lap-Band could possibly be it for me though as it’s reversible as well as a less severe alternative than the bypass (as far as having my anatomy cutup and re-sown together and experiencing difficulties just like the chance for needing gallbladder surgery, “dumping problem,” and malabsorption problems.) My step-sister thought we would have a bypass in the metroplex area before I had my procedure and was delighted like a clam concerning the whole thing - I want I’d followed her lead. I met with the doctor. I had been asked what insurance I had (National Blue Cross Blue Shield) and what procedure I would like. I told them I’d want to examine my choices along with the physician did a short rundown of every, but the perspective of the visit was greatly “Why did you come here if you didn’t know?” I chosen Lap-Band… when I should really have chosen another physician, but the Lapband involves regular followup appointments for floods (treating water into the group via a dock beneath the skin as a way to take care of the band’s rigidity around the belly and induce weight reduction.) I wanted to help you to get this maintenance in my own neighborhood and not push for three hours each time I would have to be seen. I was ok using the probability of slower weight loss since - after spending most of my living in Weight Watchers - I knew gradual weight loss was more likely to equivalent permanent weight reduction. The very next time I saw my physician was your day of the procedure.

I was later told that is what’s named being a “heartbeat with insurance.” I'd the process 01/14/09. There is no psych consult, no diet beforehand, no meeting with a dietician or exercise expert - I was informed “eh, if you don’t like it, take it out!“. My last stable food and carbonated beverage was 01/12/09. The surgery was a day surgery. I was put under, the group was located, I used to be taken to recover, lightly hit conscious, taken to radiology, designed to do an upper GI and swallow contrast material so they might scan me and be sure everything was okay. This made me begin to retch which caused one of my medical sites to reopen. I bled all around the ground - I still have the blood stained socks. I had been fixed back-up and sent home. For your first twenty-four hours, I had been hanging. I was still on top of whatever they gave me in the clinic in addition to the Twilight sleep area behind my ear that has been put there to stop the inevitable nausea I get after being sedated. Next? I was in hell. I usually joked about wanting a Clockwork Orange Diet - one where I encounter physical discomfort or discomfort in the idea of eating because I realized that’s by what it would try get me to alter my tactics since I enjoy eating THAT much. Well, be cautious what you want for… I vomited constantly. I had been more nauseous than I've previously experienced my life. I got my pain medication which managed to get worse. The worst part? I was still ravenously hungry. The Lapband had no effect whatsoever on that. I needed nothing more than to eat as well as the broths and soups I ate made me provide. The complete time I had been nausea, I was terrified I had been about to slide my group (trigger the band to move which may cause the wrong form of constraint - tales I learn about this on the web stated that those who did this couldn’t even swallow their own spit afterward.) Band slippage often requires additional surgery to fix and I was already in enough pain to not actually need surgery again. I can remember my Mom coming to visit me at this point and me crying and simply saying something like, “What have I accomplished? If you were also considering this, don’t do it.” My husband called the physician to document how sick I had been to the stage we thought something was wrong. They shrugged it off. We called again. A doctor finally admitted perhaps it had been my pain medication. Sure enough, I had codeine awareness and factors were just a little better after I stopped using the medicine, BUT instead of presenting to displace it with something different, I was instructed to take liquid Tylenol… that we quit on since it didn’t help somewhat. So pretty much used to do the vast majority of my recovery without any pain management whatsoever $6. Besides being physically sore, I had been abruptly also up against an extremely real sensation like mental pain. Struggling to rest or get comfortable, I resigned myself for the chair and watched TV all day. You don’t realize how much food there's on Television and soon you can’t have any. My husband could come home from work and that I would just cry. I’d list everything I saw and what everyone ate: a detective show with sandwiches, a sitcom with delicious cereal being nonchalantly eaten straight from the field. It was anguish. I don’t actually remember the post surgery diet I had been on. I believe it had been a week of clear liquids, two weeks of full (milky), fourteen days of gentle and standard food as tolerated. I’m not 100% sure though. I was appointed for my first followup. I think it was the very first time I quit the home, wore clothes, etc. I still felt like death. I introduced myself within the surgeon’s office, seeking and feeling like death and he explained ‘well done.’ I wondered if he was also considering me. A pal got me out from the home after week two, but I still felt awful. Basically it was merely a sofa trip, from languishing on my couch to languishing on hers for an evening. I got two weeks off from work whole. “They” will say you can probably come back to work after one, but in case there have been issues, I wanted additional time to feel better - boy, am I glad I got that much. Even if I had been actually strong enough after Week One, emotionally was another story - I'd have gone ballistic on everybody initially somebody introduced a sign up for hamburger for lunch. I continued moving in to find out the physician for band fills. We didn’t examine my plan for treatment or how many floods I may require - in the beginning I didn’t even feel any difference whilst the band tightened. He just kept telling me to return in. I will try and sum up since I don’t actually remember in what order things happened next point. The almost three years I'd the band were the most miserable of my life. My band never slipped or eroded, but I still experienced pain, discomfort and almost constant nausea. Anytime I am expected now by what I had, I reply that the group is “medically handled bulimia” - and that I possess the ruined esophagus to prove it. Below are a few things I hope I had identified: 1. The band doesn’t make sense Your stomach isn't a sealed box. It’s similar to a sieve. The whole reason the Lapband is supposed to work is basically because the area of your belly that triggers thoughts of fullness which it declares for your head is near the top. The band cinches up your stomach to make a little pre-belly pouch that you're designed to fill with food that'll trick this area into early feelings of fullness. My surgeon told me the complete purpose of eating is to get pencil eraser-sized hits and wait MINUTES between each. You need to get so “bored with eating, you obtain up and go do something else instead.” (Yea, tell somebody who feels as though she is starving to death to sit before food and get pencil eraser-sized bites. That will definitely work.) So tell me this: you sometimes follow this approach and pulverize your food to the point that it moves directly through the group and defeats the reason or you take large enough hits which you do refill your bag, but are then in agony when you experience each little bit of poorly chewed food try to move across your stoma (your starting from stomach pouch to regular stomach. I call it having “food babies.” the 1st time I experienced the sensation of eating something too large to easily pass through this opening, it felt like the worst ice cream headache ever. in my stomach!) 2. To many physicians, you are what I had been: a heartbeat with insurance Doctors receive money for performing surgery NOT for aftercare. Chances are excellent your physician will LEAVE YOU. Hi, if you get have surgery in Mexico, you almost certainly won’t get any aftercare whatsoever! Leading me to another fun fact I wish I would have identified: 3. If your physician leaves, NO BODY WILL TOUCH YOU. My surgeon left town and got his whole office with him inside a year of my surgery. This left my city high and dry. There is nobody around who'd possibly get near me. This made it extra fun after I ended up “obstructed” (the band squeezed my belly completely closed for no reason at all - I was not able to eat or drink anything) and in the ER a few week after he pulled up levels. The first reaction of the ER was “go away, we don’t know anything by what you have,” however it was a three-day weekend and I basically had nowhere else to show so I really needed to go them through just how to take water out of my group therefore I could have some relief. I searched doctors in just a 300 MILE radius and was possibly rejected as being a new individual even though I could create my operative statement which revealed there have been no difficulties with my surgery, or was quoted a silly “New Individual Fee” of anywhere from several hundred to several THOUSAND dollars. 4. Your insurance means nothing If you end up within the position I did so, forgotten by your doctor and with no one else inside your town or out who will allow you to, congratulations: you have now joined the entire world of money-for-support! It doesn’t issue that I have unbelievable insurance that taken care of just about anything I needed, with no doctor to take my insurance, I had been SOL. I resorted to gobetween. A ridiculous middleman service that expected money at the start and contacted a network of suppliers near me (I applied Austin primarily - the quack in Irving hurt me worse wanting to give me a fill than I’ve possibly ever been hurt in that situation before) to secure an appointment to get me a load. I had to use this support many times to secure fills to get me backup towards the level I had been at prior to the ER had taken some out once I was obstructed. 5. You're at the band’s mercy Your Research-Band employs no predetermined rules. It's also suffering from points entirely outside of your control like atmospheric pressure. I am greatly a creature of behavior and may consider the exact same equivalent Lean Cuisine dinner to work for lunch every day. I might have no difficulty whatsoever eating it or -two to three days-out of five- I might put it up. I was also told swelling and water retention inside my period could and would make the group cinch itself up. The group can be an implanted medical device. Feel meticulously about most of the advertisements you notice on TV: “Call 1800-fat-sttlmet4u if you've had some of the following… Lawyer Steve will struggle for you!” If anything goes wrong withit, you experience more unwanted side effects or surgery. Our band actually had a recall putout on it not too much time after I got it: just a little part used to cut the port’s tubing and keep it from getting kinked up may come undone and cause stated kinkage to occur. The top part: the recall was for groups not already inserted. For me who already had it? “Don’t worry. Take no action. You’re probably fine.” The worst thing I worried about was getting clogged again with no one to assist me. Because the best move to make is fear and panic, I instantly considered among my personal favorite books/movies: “The Stand.” there is a whole section within the book dedicated to people that could have survived the problem when they hadn’t done x/b/z (ruptured appendix, dropped off motorcycle and cracked skull, etc) and gotten killed. I immediately put myself within this type: the entire world ends, I survive, except my stomach pushes automatically closed and I starve to death. 6. You may still make every one of the wrong choices What no one told me and I did not learn in my study regarding the group is: the group is just a software for weight reduction, yes, but it’s an undesirable one. As your belly is intact, you may still expand it. The quack I discussed earlier in Irving described a patient he was seeing who were able to stretch out his body to date that the upper GI revealed that his sack simply mirrored his intact stomach BELOW the group (one stomach, then lapband, then the other stomach.) There is also something called “soft nutrient syndrome,” where your band may actually be too limited (circumstances my surgeon had me constantly present in before he left.) You're physically unable to make the “right” choices when it comes to food as the right choices hurt. It never ceased to amaze me how I was suddenly limited in this value after the group. I got to where I had endless desires for salad because I hadn’t consumed a salad pretty much the entire time I had been banded. The greens were a no no for me and could get stuck and irritate me till I put up. This sort of discomfort is also what would cause potential obstruction because I’d get swollen. You begin making choices that are easy rather than right - high-calorie, creamy, fat soups, milkshakes, icecream - items that are easy to eat because they get through the group and don’t cause any pain or discomfort. 7. You can still obtain it all back I assume I knew about that potential, but I didn’t desire to contemplate it. Overall, I lost about 70lbs with the band all together. The thing is: because it didn’t affect my hunger whatsoever, all it did was delay the inevitable. Each food and eating associated need was still there, I had been just physically struggling to express it. The month the ER did a partial un-fill due to obstruction? Yea, I gained 20lbs. I lost it again after I got re-tightened, however it showed me the score. I was probably no more than 10 or 15 pounds up when I finally decided to produce a change. I joined Weightwatchers for your thousandth time and began rising and following - anything I will have done since Day One using the band. I don’t know what I was thinking. I had been told a great deal of reasons for exactly what the band was allowed to be and there were also a lot of things that I should have done that I didn’t. * * * Therefore I was un-banded (disbanded?) on Dec 6th (RIP Lappy 01/14/09 - 12/06/11) and plumped for the gastric sleeve. I knew that if I didn’t get another form of surgery - for all my exercising and good intentions - without that safety net, I would nevertheless be back up past 300 in per year.

My experience was the precise opposite of the Lapband in almost every way. I'm fantastic and wish I got the sleeve to start with and didn’t waste nearly three years in agony, but what’s the cliché? Hindsight is always 20/20. The sleeve was still being polished being a technique back then so I may not have already been as satisfied with it then when I am now so - here’s another one for you - everything happens at a unique time and for its explanation, I guess. I started out writing this like a comparison of each experience (thus the extended URL), but I realized I had far too much to publish and so the gastric sleeve will have to have its own heart later. I do quite definitely acknowledge that this is ONLY one person’s experience. You will find plenty of other folks out there who enjoy their Lap Bands and have had amazing experience together. I just wanted to inform you what happened tome in the event you're building a fat loss surgery decision today an Get acquainted with more about Centralia Orthognathic Surgery

[buzcutt-blog]

Weight Loss Surgery: A Cautionary Lap-Band Story

I made the choice to possess weight reduction surgery. At that point, I expected the machines at about 305lbs. Our reasons, as any person confronted with this determination can recognize, were my own. I also made many problems at this point and those I believe need addressing. The greatest were: my option to have the surgery in my own hometown as well as the surgery I chose. I reside in a town of 100,000+. The Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex area is about three hours away. There is an office of physicians in my area recently declared as doing weightloss surgery, but only two: the Lap-Band and Gastric Bypass. I explored both procedures and had ideas about each, but wanted to consult a doctor within this office before making my final choice. I did believe the Lap Band may possibly be it for me though as it’s reversible as well as a less extreme option than the bypass (as far as having my anatomy cut up and re-sown together and experiencing troubles just like the chance for needing gallbladder surgery, “dumping syndrome,” and malabsorption problems.) Our step sister chose to have a bypass inside the metroplex area right before I had my procedure and was pleased as being a clam about the whole thing - I wish I’d followed her lead. I met with the doctor. I had been asked what insurance I'd (National Blue Cross Blue Shield) and what process I would like. I told them I’d prefer to examine my options as well as the physician did a short run-down of every, but the attitude of the visit was quite definitely “Why did you come here should you didn’t already know?” I plumped for Lap-Band… when I really should have opted for another physician, but the Lapband requires regular followup appointments for floods (treating liquid in to the group using a dock underneath the skin as a way to keep up with the band’s tightness round the stomach and stimulate weight reduction.) I wanted to be able to seek this maintenance within my hometown and never get for three hours each time I needed to be seen. I was ok using the probability of slower weight loss because - after spending nearly all of my living in Weightwatchers - I believed slow weight loss was more prone to equivalent permanent weight loss. The next time I noticed my doctor was your day of the task.

I was later told this can be what’s named being a “heartbeat with insurance.” I'd the procedure 01/14/09. There is no psych consult, no diet beforehand, no meeting with a nutritionist or exercise specialist - I had been informed “eh, should you don’t want it, take it out!“. Our last solid food and carbonated beverage was 01/12/09. The surgery was a day surgery. I had been put under, the group was placed, I was taken up to recover, gently smacked awake, taken to radiology, designed to do an upper GI and swallow contrast material so they may scan me and ensure everything was okay. This made me begin to retch which caused one of my surgical sites to reopen. I bled all around the ground - I still have the blood stained socks. I had been patched back-up and sent home. For that first twenty-four hours, I was flying. I was still high on whatever they gave me at the hospital plus the Twilight sleep area behind my head that was placed there to prevent the inevitable sickness I get after being sedated. Next? I was in hell. I joked about seeking a Clockwork Orange Diet - one where I encounter real pain or discomfort at the idea of eating since I thought that’s by what it would take to get me to improve my methods since I enjoy eating THAT much. Well, be mindful what you wish for… I vomited constantly. I was more nauseous than I have ever experienced my life. I took my pain medication which made it worse. The worst part? I was still ravenously hungry. The Lap-Band had no effect whatsoever on that. I wanted simply to consume and even the broths and soups I ate made me provide. The whole time I had been sickness, I was terrified I had been about to slide my band (trigger the group to go which might cause the wrong sort of constraint - myths I learn about this on the Internet said that individuals who did this couldn’t actually take their own throw afterward.) Band slippage often requires additional surgery to improve and that I was already in enough pain never to actually want surgery again. I can remember my Mother visiting visit me now and me crying and simply saying something similar to, “What have I accomplished? If you're also considering this, don’t do it.” My husband called a doctor to record how sick I had been to the stage we thought something was wrong. They shrugged it off. We called again. The physician finally accepted maybe it was my pain medication. Sure enough, I'd codeine sensitivity and factors were just a little better after I quit using the medication, BUT instead of giving to displace it with another thing, I was instructed to take liquid Tylenol… that I quit on because it didn’t support a little. So pretty much I did so the majority of my recovery without any pain management whatsoever $6. Besides being physically painful, I was instantly also up against an extremely real sensation like mental pain. Not able to sleep or get comfy, I resigned myself to the chair and watched TV all day. You don’t understand how much food there is on Television and soon you can’t have any. My husband would come home from work and that I would just cry. I’d list everything I watched and what everyone ate: a detective show with snacks, a sitcom with yummy cereal being nonchalantly eaten directly in the box. It was anguish. I don’t actually remember the post-surgery diet I was on. I believe it had been per week of clear fluids, fourteen days of whole (milky), two weeks of delicate after which regular food as tolerated. I’m not 100% sure though. I was appointed for my first follow-up. I think this was the very first time I left the house, used clothes, etc. I still felt like death. I offered myself in the surgeon’s office, searching and feeling like death and he explained ‘well done.’ I wondered if he was also considering me. A pal got me out from the home after week two, but I still felt terrible. Basically it was only a chair vacation, from languishing on my couch to languishing on hers for an evening. I got fourteen days off from work whole. “They” will say you can probably go back to work after one, but justincase there were troubles, I needed extra time to feel better - child, am I glad I got that much. Even if I was actually powerful enough after Week-One, mentally was another story - I would have gone ballistic on everyone the very first time somebody brought in a take-out hamburger for lunch. I continued planning to view the surgeon for group fills. We didn’t discuss my treatment solution or just how many fills I would require - initially I didn’t even feel any variation because the band tightened. He just kept telling me to come in. I'll attempt to sum up since I don’t really remember in what order things happened after this point. The almost three years I'd the group were essentially the most unpleasant of my life. My band never slipped or eroded, but I still experienced pain, discomfort and almost constant nausea. Anytime I am asked now about what I experienced, I reply the band is “medically controlled bulimia” - and that I have the ruined esophagus to prove it. Here are a few things I wish I'd identified: 1. The band doesn’t make sense Your stomach isn't a sealed container. It’s more like a sieve. The complete reason the Lap-Band is supposed to work is basically because the location of your stomach that causes emotions of depth which it talks for your head is close to the top. The band cinches up your stomach to produce a small pre-belly pouch that you will be supposed to complete with food that can trick this place into early feelings of volume. My doctor said the whole aim of eating is to take pencil eraser-sized hits and wait MINUTES between each. You must get so “bored with eating, you receive up and go do something different instead.” (Yes, tell a person who feels as though she is hungry to death to sit down in front of food and get pencil eraser-sized bites. That will certainly work.) So tell me this: you both follow this process and pulverize the food to the point that it moves directly through the band and defeats the point or you take big enough attacks which you do fill up your bag, but are then in pain as you experience each little bit of poorly chewed food try to go through your stoma (your opening from stomach pouch to regular stomach. I call it having “food babies.” the initial time I experienced the sensation of eating anything too big to easily pass through this beginning, it felt such as the worst ice cream headache ever. in my stomach!) 2. To many physicians, you're what I had been: a pulse with insurance Specialists receive money for performing surgery NOT for aftercare. Odds are great your physician will probably KEEP YOU. Hey, should you get have surgery in Mexico, you probably won’t get any aftercare at all! Which leads me to the next fun fact I wish I would have known: 3. If your physician leaves, NOBODY WILL TOUCH YOU. My surgeon left town and took his entire office with him within a year of my surgery. This left my village high and dry. There was nobody around who'd also go near me. This managed to get added fun when I ended up “obstructed” (the band packed my stomach completely closed for no reason in any way - I had been not able to eat or drink anything) and in the IM in regards to a week after he pulled up stakes. The original result of the ER was “go away, we don’t know something in what you have,” but it was a three day weekend and I actually had nowhere else to show therefore I actually had to go them through how to consider fluid out of my group therefore I would have some relief. I looked physicians within a THREE HUNDRED MILE distance and was possibly refused as a new individual though I could make my surgical document which showed there have been no complications with my surgery, or was cited a ridiculous “New Individual Fee” of anywhere from several hundred to several THOUSAND dollars. 4. Your insurance means nothing If you find yourself in the position I did so, abandoned by your surgeon with no one else within your community or out who will enable you to, congratulations: you've now entered the entire world of cash-for-support! It doesn’t subject that I've extraordinary insurance that taken care of just about anything I needed, without physician to get my insurance, I had been SOL. I resorted to gobetween. A silly middleman company that expected cash in advance then contacted a circle of providers near me (I used Austin generally - the quack in Irving hurt me worse trying to give me a fill than I’ve likely actually been injured in that situation before) to secure an appointment to get me a fill. I'd to use this company many times to secure fills to get me backup to the level I had been at ahead of the ER had taken some out once I was hindered. 5. You're in the band’s mercy Your Lab-Band uses no preset rules. It is also suffering from issues entirely beyond your control like atmospheric pressure. I am very much a monster of pattern and might consider the same equivalent Lean Cuisine meal to work for lunch each day. I might haven't any difficulty whatsoever eating it or -2 to 3 days-out of five- I may throw it up. I was also told inflammation and water retention within my period can and could create the group cinch itself up. The band is an implanted medical device. Think meticulously about every one of the ads you see on TV: “Call 1800-fat-sttlmet4u if you have had any of the following… Attorney Steve can fight for you!” If anything goes wrong withit, you experience more sideeffects or surgery. Our band actually had a recall putout on it not too long after I got it: just a little piece used to video the port’s tubing and maintain it from getting kinked up may come undone and cause stated kinkage to occur. The very best part: the recall was for companies not already introduced. For me who previously had it? “Don’t worry. Take no action. You’re probably fine.” The worst thing I focused on was getting blocked again without one to help me. Since the best move to make is worry and stress, I instantly thought of one of the best books/videos: “The Stand.” there is an entire section within the book devoted to those who might have survived the trouble when they hadn’t completed x/y/z (ruptured appendix, fell off cycle and broken skull, etc) and gotten killed. I immediately put myself within this category: the world ends, I endure, except my stomach squeezes automatically shut and that I starve to death. 6. You may still make all of the wrong choices What no one explained and I didn't uncover within my research regarding the band is: the band is a resource for fat loss, yes, but it’s an undesirable one. Since your stomach is intact, you may still extend it. The quack I discussed earlier in Irving stated someone he was seeing who were able to extend his body so far an upper GI revealed that his body just mirrored his intact stomach BELOW the group (one stomach, then lapband, then the other stomach.) There's also something called “soft calorie syndrome,” where your band may actually be too small (a situation my surgeon had me perpetually active in before he left.) You are physically unable to produce the “right” alternatives as it pertains to food as the right choices hurt. It never ceased to surprise me how I had been suddenly restricted in this regard after the group. I got to where I had endless cravings for salad since I hadn’t consumed a salad just about the complete time I was banded. The greens were a nono for me and would get stuck and irritate me till I put up. This kind of irritation can be what would cause potential obstruction since I’d get swollen. You begin making choices which are easy and never right - high calorie, creamy, fatty soups, milkshakes, ice cream - items that are simple to eat since they slip through the group and don’t cause any pain or discomfort. 7. You can still get all of it back I assume I knew about that potential, but I didn’t need to contemplate it. Allinall, I lost about 70lbs using the group all together. To be honest: since it didn’t impact my hunger whatsoever, all it did was delay the expected. Every single food and eating related desire was still there, I was only physically unable to express it. The month the ER did a partial un-load due to congestion? Yes, I gained 20lbs. I dropped it again after I got re-tightened, however it showed me the score. I was probably just about 10 or 15 pounds up when I finally chose to create a change. I joined Weight Watchers for the thousandth time and started rising and following - something I will have done since Day One with the group. I don’t know what I had been thinking. I was told lots of reasons for what the band was said to be and there were also a great deal of items that I will did that I didn’t. * * * And so I was un-banded (disbanded?) on Dec 6th (RIP Lappy 01/14/09 - 12/06/11) and chosen the gastric sleeve. I knew that when I didn’t get another kind of surgery - for all my exercising and good intentions - without that safety net, I would nevertheless be back up past 300 in per year.

My experience was the precise opposite of the Lap Band in almost every way. I'm amazing and hope I acquired the sleeve to begin with and didn’t waste nearly 3 years in anguish, but what’s the motto? Hindsight is always 20/20. The sleeve was still being polished as being a process in the past and so I might not have already been as happy with after that it when I am now-so - here’s a different one for you - everything happens at its own time as well as for its own explanation, I guess. I began writing this as being a comparison of each experience (hence the expanded URL), but I realized I had far too much to create hence the gastric sleeve will need to have its own center later. I really do quite definitely recognize that this IS one person’s experience. There are lots of other folks outthere who love their Lap Bands and also have had amazing experience together. I simply wished to inform you what happened tome in case you are building a fat loss surgery decision today an Become familiar with more about Centralia Orthognathic Surgery Surgeons

[crazychildofthemoon-blog]

Weight Loss Surgery: A Cautionary Lapband Tale

I made the choice to get fat loss surgery. When this occurs, I expected the scales at about 305lbs. My reasons, as anybody up against this determination may recognize, were my own. I also made several problems at this point and people I do believe need addressing. The greatest were: my decision to really have the surgery within my neighborhood and the surgery I chose. I live in a city of 100,000+. The Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex area is roughly three hours away. There was an office of physicians in my city newly announced as doing weightloss surgery, but just two: the Lap-Band and Gastric Bypass. I explored both surgeries and had a few ideas about each, but desired to consult a doctor in this office before making my final choice. I did consider the Lapband would probably be it for me though as it’s reversible as well as a less critical decision as opposed to bypass (in terms of having my anatomy cutup and re-sown together and experiencing difficulties like the possibility of wanting gallbladder surgery, “dumping problem,” and malabsorption problems.) My step-sister thought we would have a bypass in the metroplex area before I had my procedure and was delighted as a clam concerning the whole point - I want I’d followed her lead. I met with the physician. I was asked what insurance I had (National Blue Cross Blue Shield) and what process I would like. I told them I’d like to discuss my choices and the physician did a quick run down of each, but the attitude of the visit was very much “Why did you come here should you didn’t know?” I opted for Panel-Band… when I really should have chosen another physician, but the Lapband involves consistent followup visits for fills (adding fluid to the band with a port beneath the skin as a way to keep up with the band’s tightness across the belly and cause weight reduction.) I wanted in order to get this preservation within my hometown rather than get for three hours each time I must be seen. I was ok with the prospect of slower weight loss because - after spending the majority of my living in Weight Watchers - I knew gradual weight loss was more prone to similar permanent weight reduction. The next time I found my surgeon was the day of the process.

I was later told this can be what’s named being a “heartbeat with insurance.” I had the procedure 01/14/09. There was no psych consult, no diet beforehand, no ending up in a nutritionist or exercise consultant - I had been informed “eh, if you don’t enjoy it, take it out!“. My last stable food and carbonated beverage was 01/12/09. The surgery was a day surgery. I was put under, the band was placed, I used to be taken to recover, gently smacked alert, taken to radiology, made to do an upper GI and swallow contrast material in order that they could scan me and be sure everything was okay. This made me start to retch which caused among my surgical sites to reopen. I bled all around the ground - I still possess the blood stained clothes. I was patched backup and sent home. For the first twentyfour hours, I was sailing. I was still at the top of whatever they gave me in the clinic in addition to the Twilight sleep spot behind my ear that was placed there to stop the inevitable nausea I get after being sedated. After that? I had been in hell. I usually joked about seeking a Clockwork Orange Diet - one where I encounter physical pain or discomfort in the concept of eating because I figured that’s about what it would take to get me to alter my tactics since I love eating THAT much. Well, be careful what you wish for… I vomited constantly. I had been more sick than I have previously been in my life. I took my pain medication and that made it worse. The worst part? I was still ravenously hungry. The Lap-Band had no impact whatsoever on that. I needed simply to eat as well as the broths and soups I ate made me provide. The entire time I had been throwing up, I had been terrified I had been about to ease my band (trigger the group to go which might cause the wrong kind of constraint - myths I learn about this online said that people who did this couldn’t even swallow their own spit afterward.) Band slippage often requires additional surgery to fix and I had been in enough pain to not ever need surgery again. I can remember my Mother coming to visit me at this point and me crying and simply saying something like, “What have I accomplished? If you're also considering this, don’t do it.” My husband called the doctor to record how sick I had been to the point we thought something was wrong. They shrugged it off. We called again. A doctor finally mentioned maybe it was my pain medication. Sure enough, I had codeine awareness and points were somewhat better after I stopped using the medication, but rather of offering to displace it with something else, I was told to take liquid Tylenol… that we quit on since it didn’t support a little. So pretty much used to do the vast majority of my recovery with no pain management whatsoever $6. Besides being physically sore, I had been suddenly also faced with a very true feeling like mental pain. Struggling to rest or get comfortable, I resigned myself to the couch and watched TV throughout the day. You don’t know how much food there is on Television until you can’t have any. My husband could come home from work and that I would just cry. I’d list everything I observed and what everyone ate: a detective show with sandwiches, a show with delectable cereal being nonchalantly enjoyed directly from your field. It was anguish. I don’t honestly remember the post-surgery diet I had been on. I think it had been a week of clear fluids, two weeks of total (milky), two weeks of delicate and after that standard food as tolerated. I’m not 100% sure though. I had been appointed for my first follow-up. I think it was the very first time I quit the house, used clothes, etc. I still felt like death. I offered myself inside the surgeon’s office, looking and feeling like death and he said ‘well done.’ I wondered if he was actually considering me. A pal got me from the home after week two, but I still felt terrible. Basically it was only a couch holiday, from languishing on my sofa to languishing on hers for an evening. I got fourteen days off from work total. “They” will say you can probably return to work after one, but justincase there were complications, I needed extra time to feel better - son, am I glad I got that much. Even though I used to be actually powerful enough after Week-One, mentally was another story - I'd have gone ballistic on everyone the first time somebody brought in a takeout hamburger for lunch. I continued moving in to see the surgeon for group fills. We didn’t examine my treatment solution or exactly how many fills I might need - in the beginning I didn’t even feel any distinction whilst the band tightened. He just kept telling me to come in. I will try to summarize since I don’t really remember in what order things occurred next point. The nearly 3 years I'd the group were probably the most unpleasant of my life. Our band never fallen or eroded, but I still experienced pain, discomfort and almost constant nausea. Anytime I'm asked today in what I went through, I answer the band is “medically controlled bulimia” - and I have the ruined esophagus to prove it. Here are a few things I wish I had identified: 1. The band doesn’t make sense Your stomach is not a sealed container. It’s similar to a sieve. The complete reason the Lap Band is supposed to work is basically because the region of the belly that causes emotions of fullness which it talks to your head is near the top. The band cinches up your belly to make a small pre-belly pouch that you will be designed to fill with food that'll trick this area into early feelings of volume. My surgeon told me the complete aim of eating will be to get pencil eraser-sized hits and wait MINUTES inbetween each. You ought to get so “bored with eating, you will get up and go do another thing instead.” (Yes, tell someone who is like she is starving to death to sit facing food and take pencil eraser-sized bites. That'll definitely work.) So tell me this: you possibly follow this method and pulverize the food to the point that it slides directly through the group and defeats the point or you take large enough hits which you do fillup your bag, but are then in agony when you experience each little bit of badly chewed food attempt to pass through your stoma (your new starting from stomach pouch to regular belly. I call it having “food babies.” the 1st time I experienced the sensation of eating something too big to easily go through this opening, it felt such as the worst ice cream headache ever. in my stomach!) 2. To the majority of physicians, you are what I was: a heartbeat with insurance Surgeons get paid for doing surgery NOT for aftercare. Chances are great your physician will KEEP YOU. Hello, if you get have surgery in Mexico, you probably won’t get any aftercare whatsoever! Leading me to another fun fact I wish I'd have known: 3. If your physician leaves, NO BODY WILL TOUCH YOU. My doctor left town and got his whole office with him in just a year of my surgery. This left my city high and dry. There is no body around who would possibly go near me. This made it added fun after I wound up “obstructed” (the group squeezed my stomach completely shut for no reason in any way - I was struggling to eat or drink anything) as well as in the IM a few week after he pulled up levels. The original result of the ER was “go away, we don’t learn anything about what you've,” but it was a three day weekend and that I basically had nowhere else to show therefore I actually needed to walk them through how to consider water from my band therefore I could have some relief. I searched physicians in just a THREE HUNDRED MILE distance and was sometimes refused being a new patient though I might produce my surgical statement which revealed there were no troubles with my surgery, or was offered a ridiculous “New Individual Fee” of anywhere from several hundred to many THOUSAND dollars. 4. Your insurance means nothing If you find yourself in the situation I did so, forgotten by your doctor and with nobody else inside your area or out who will help you, congratulations: you've now joined the world of money-for-support! It doesn’t subject that I have extraordinary insurance that paid for pretty much anything I needed, without physician to get my insurance, I had been SOL. I resorted to go between. A ridiculous intermediary company that necessary money up front and then reached a network of services near me (I used Austin mainly - the quack in Irving hurt me worse attempting to give me a fill than I’ve possibly ever been injured because situation before) to secure a consultation to get me a load. I had to utilize this company many times to secure fills to get me back-up to the level I had been at ahead of the ER had taken some out when I was blocked. 5. You are in the band’s mercy Your Research-Band employs no predetermined rules. It's also afflicted with factors entirely outside of your control like atmospheric pressure. I'm quite definitely a creature of routine and may consider the exact same equivalent Lean Cuisine meal to work with lunch every day. I might have no trouble whatsoever eating it or -2-3 days-out of five- I might throw it up. I was also told inflammation and water retention within my time may and could create the group cinch itself up. The band can be an implanted medical device. Believe very carefully about most of the advertisements you notice on Television: “Call 1-800-fat-sttlmet4u if you have had any of the following… Attorney Steve will struggle for you!” If anything goes wrong withit, you face more negative effects or surgery. Our group really had a recall released on it not a long time after I got it: just a little item used to cut the port’s tubing and maintain it from getting kinked up could come undone and cause said kinkage to happen. The top part: the recall was for artists not already introduced. For me who already had it? “Don’t worry. Take no action. You’re probably fine.” The worst thing I focused on was getting blocked again with no one to assist me. Since my favorite action to take is fear and panic, I immediately looked at among the best books/videos: “The Stand.” there is a complete section in the book devoted to people that could have survived the trouble when they hadn’t accomplished x/b/z (ruptured appendix, dropped off motorcycle and broken skull, etc) and gotten killed. I quickly put myself within this category: the world ends, I endure, except my stomach pushes spontaneously shut and that I starve to death. 6. You can still make all the wrong choices What no one said and that I failed to learn in my own study concerning the group is: the band is just a resource for weight loss, yes, but it’s a poor one. Since your belly is intact, you can still expand it. The quack I discussed earlier in Irving described someone he was seeing who managed to extend his body so far that the upper GI revealed that his body simply reflected his intact stomach BELOW the group (one stomach, then lapband, then the other stomach.) There's also something called “soft fat syndrome,” where your group may actually be too small (circumstances my doctor had me perpetually existing in before he left.) You are physically unable to make the “right” options when it comes to food as the right choices hurt. It never ceased to surprise me how I was suddenly confined in this regard following the group. I got to where I'd endless desires for salad because I hadn’t consumed a salad pretty much the complete time I was banded. The greens were a nono for me and would get caught and irritate me till I threw up. This kind of irritation is also what might cause potential obstruction since I’d get swollen. You start making choices which might be easy and not right - high calorie, creamy, fatty sauces, milkshakes, ice cream - items that are simple to eat because they fall through the band and don’t cause any pain or discomfort. 7. You can still achieve all of it back I guess I knew about this potential, but I didn’t want to contemplate it. All in all, I lost about 70lbs with the group all together. The thing is: because it didn’t impact my hunger whatsoever, all it did was delay the inevitable. Every single food and eating related wish was still there, I had been only physically unable to show it. The month the ER did a partial un-load due to obstruction? Yes, I gained 20lbs. I dropped it again after I got re-tightened, but it showed me the score. I was probably only about 10 or 15 pounds up after I finally chose to create a change. I joined Weightwatchers for your thousandth time and began checking and tracking - anything I should have done since Day-One with the group. I don’t understand what I was thinking. I had been told a lot of reasons for what the group was supposed to be and there were also lots of items that I ought to did that I didn’t. * * * And so I was un-banded (disbanded?) on Dec 6th (RIP Lappy 01/14/09 - 12/06/11) and plumped for the gastric sleeve. I realized that if I didn’t get another type of surgery - for all my exercising and good intentions - without that safetynet, I would nevertheless be back-up past 300 in a year.

My experience was the exact opposite of the Lap-Band in almost any way. I feel wonderful and hope I obtained the sleeve to begin with and didn’t waste almost 3 years in agony, but what’s the cliché? Hindsight is always 20/20. The sleeve was still being polished as a technique in those days therefore I might not have been as pleased with it then when I am now-so - here’s a different one for you - everything happens at its own time and for a unique purpose, I suppose. I began writing this as being a comparison of each experience (thus the prolonged URL), but I realized I'd far too much to create so the gastric sleeve will need to have its own hub later. I really do very much recognize that is ONLY one person’s experience. There are lots of other folks outthere who love their Lap Bands and have had amazing experience using them. I simply wanted to inform you what happened tome in case you are creating a weight reduction surgery decision right now an Get acquainted with more about Centralia Weight Loss Surgery

[jedi-princess-rey-blog]

Weight Loss Surgery: A Cautionary Lapband Story

I made the choice to get weight loss surgery. At that point, I tipped the machines at about 305lbs. Our reasons, as any person up against this determination may recognize, were my own. I also made several errors at this point and people I do believe need addressing. The greatest were: my choice to have the surgery in my own neighborhood along with the surgery I decided. I live in a city of 100,000+. The Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex area is approximately three hours away. There is an office of physicians in my area recently announced as performing weightloss surgery, but just two: the Lap Band and Gastric Bypass. I investigated both operations and had a few ideas about each, but wanted to consult with a doctor within this office prior to making my final decision. Used to do believe the Lapband may possibly be it for me though as it’s reversible along with a less significant option compared to bypass (so far as having my anatomy cut-up and re-sown together and experiencing complications like the chance of requiring gallbladder surgery, “dumping problem,” and malabsorption problems.) Our step sister thought we would have a bypass inside the metroplex area right before I'd my treatment and was pleased as a clam regarding the whole thing - I hope I’d followed her lead. I met with a doctor. I was asked what insurance I had (National Blue Cross Blue Shield) and what technique I'd like. I told them I’d like to discuss my choices along with the doctor did a short rundown of each, however the attitude of the visit was quite definitely “Why did you come here should you didn’t know?” I opted for Lap-Band… when I should really have chosen another doctor, however the Lap-Band requires regular follow-up visits for fills (treating liquid to the group with a port beneath the skin as a way to maintain the band’s tightness around the stomach and cause weight reduction.) I wanted to be able to find this maintenance in my own hometown and never generate for three hours everytime I must be seen. I had been okay with all the possibility of slower weight loss because - after spending nearly all of my living in Weightwatchers - I understood gradual weight loss was more prone to equal permanent weight reduction. The next time I found my surgeon was the day of the procedure.

I was later told this can be what’s named being a “heartbeat with insurance.” I had the procedure 01/14/09. There was no psych consult, no diet beforehand, no ending up in a dietician or exercise expert - I was informed “eh, if you don’t want it, consider it out!“. My last stable food and carbonated beverage was 01/12/09. The surgery was a day surgery. I was put under, the group was put, I was taken to recover, lightly hit awake, taken up to radiology, built to do an upper GI and swallow contrast material so they can scan me and ensure everything was okay. This made me start to retch which caused one of my medical sites to reopen. I bled throughout the floor - I still possess the blood stained clothes. I was patched back-up and sent home. For that first twenty-four hours, I was hanging. I was still at the top of whatever they gave me in the hospital plus the Twilight sleep spot behind my head that has been set there to stop the inevitable sickness I get after being sedated. Next? I was in hell. I always joked about seeking a Clockwork Orange Diet - one where I encounter real discomfort or distress at the concept of eating because I thought that’s in what it would try get me to change my tactics because I really like eating THAT much. Well, be careful what you wish for… I vomited constantly. I was more upset than I've ever been in my life. I took my pain medication which made it worse. The worst part? I was still ravenously hungry. The Lap Band had no impact whatsoever on that. I wanted simply to eat and also the broths and sauces I ate made me throw up. The complete time I had been sickness, I was terrified I was going to fall my band (trigger the band to maneuver which would cause the wrong type of constraint - tales I learn about this on the web said that people who did this couldn’t also swallow their own spit afterward.) Band slippage often requires additional surgery to improve and that I had been in enough pain not to actually need surgery again. I can remember my Mama visiting visit me at this point and me crying and simply saying something similar to, “What have I completed? If you're actually considering this, don’t do it.” My husband called a doctor to record how upset I was to the level we thought something was wrong. They shrugged it off. We called again. A doctor finally admitted perhaps it had been my pain medicine. Sure enough, I had codeine sensitivity and issues were a little better after I quit taking the medication, but rather of presenting to restore it with something different, I was instructed to consider liquid Tylenol… which I gave up on since it didn’t support a bit. So just about I did so the vast majority of my healing without the pain management whatsoever $6. Besides being physically uncomfortable, I was instantly also confronted with a very real experience like mental torture. Unable to rest or get comfortable, I resigned myself for the sofa and watched TV all day. You don’t know how much food there is on TV before you can’t have any. My husband would come home from work and I would just cry. I’d list everything I watched and what everybody ate: a detective show with snacks, a show with delicious cereal being nonchalantly enjoyed directly from the field. It was concern. I don’t actually remember the post surgery diet I was on. I think it had been a week of clear fluids, fourteen days of total (milky), fourteen days of comfortable and then usual food as tolerated. I’m not 100% sure though. I was scheduled for my first follow-up. I think this is the first time I left your house, wore garments, etc. I still felt like death. I offered myself inside the surgeon’s office, looking and feeling like death and he said ‘well done.’ I wondered if he was actually looking at me. A pal got me out of the property after week two, but I still felt terrible. Basically it was just a sofa holiday, from languishing on my chair to languishing on hers for an evening. I took two weeks off from work total. “They” will say you can probably return to work after one, but justincase there were difficulties, I needed more time to feel better - child, am I glad I got that much. Even if I had been physically powerful enough after Week-One, mentally was another story - I'd have gone ballistic on everyone the first time someone brought in a take-out hamburger for lunch. I continued moving in to find out the doctor for group fills. We didn’t discuss my treatment solution or exactly how many floods I may require - initially I didn’t also feel any variation whilst the band tightened. He just kept telling me ahead in. I will try and sum up since I have don’t really remember in what order things happened after this point. The nearly three years I had the band were the most unhappy of my life. Our band never slipped or eroded, but I still experienced pain, distress and almost constant vomiting. Anytime I'm expected today in what I experienced, I respond the group is “medically managed bulimia” - and I possess the deteriorated esophagus to prove it. Here are a few things I wish I had identified: 1. The band doesn’t make sense Your stomach isn't a sealed container. It’s similar to a sieve. The entire cause the Lap Band is meant to work is basically because the location of the stomach that triggers feelings of fullness which it declares to your head is close to the top. The band cinches up your belly to create a small pre-belly pouch that you will be purported to complete with food that may trick this area into early thoughts of depth. My surgeon told me the entire aim of eating will be to take pencil eraser-sized hits and wait UNITS among each. You should get so “bored with eating, you obtain up and go do something else instead.” (Yes, tell a person who feels like she is hungry to death to sit down in front of food and get pencil eraser-sized bites. That will surely work.) So tell me this: you possibly follow this process and pulverize your food to the point that it falls straight through the group and beats the reason or you take large enough bites that you do fillup your sack, but are then in agony when you feel each little bit of badly chewed food try and move across your stoma (your starting from stomach pouch to frequent belly. I call it having “food babies.” the initial time I experienced the impression of eating anything too big to easily pass through this beginning, it felt such as the worst ice cream headache ever. in my stomach!) 2. To many surgeons, you're what I was: a pulse with insurance Doctors get paid for performing surgery NOT for aftercare. Odds are really good your physician will probably LEAVE YOU. Hello, should you go have surgery in Mexico, you most likely won’t get any aftercare in any way! Leading me to the next fun fact I wish I'd have identified: 3. If your physician leaves, NO BODY WILL TOUCH YOU. My doctor left town and took his whole office with him within a year of my surgery. This left my village high and dry. There was no body around who'd even get near me. This made it extra fun after I wound up “obstructed” (the band squeezed my stomach completely closed for no reason in any way - I was not able to eat or drink anything) and in the IM in regards to a week after he pulled up stakes. The first reaction of the ER was “go away, we don’t know something about what you have,” however it was a three day weekend and I practically had nowhere else to show therefore I really needed to go them through just how to consider fluid out of my band and so I could have some relief. I looked doctors within a THREE HUNDRED MILE radius and was either rejected being a new patient even though I may generate my operative document which revealed there were no complications with my surgery, or was offered a ridiculous “New Individual Fee” of anywhere from several hundred to many THOUSAND dollars. 4. Your insurance means nothing If you get within the position I did so, abandoned by your surgeon with no one else within your community or out who'll enable you to, congratulations: you've now entered the world of income-for-support! It doesn’t subject that I have incredible insurance that taken care of more or less anything I needed, without any doctor to get my insurance, I was SOL. I resorted to gobetween. A ridiculous intermediary service that necessary income at the start then reached a system of providers near me (I applied Austin primarily - the quack in Irving hurt me worse trying to give me a fill than I’ve possibly ever been hurt because location before) to secure an appointment to have me a fill. I had to use this service several times to secure fills to have me back-up for the level I was at prior to the ER had taken some out when I was obstructed. 5. You are in the band’s mercy Your Research-Band employs no predetermined rules. It's also afflicted with issues completely outside your handle like atmospheric pressure. I am quite definitely a monster of habit and may take the same identical Lean Cuisine dinner to work for lunch every day. I may haven't any trouble whatsoever eating it or -two to three days out of five- I may put it up. I was also told swelling and water retention inside my period could and could make the group cinch itself up. The group can be an implanted medical device. Think cautiously about every one of the ads you notice on Television: “Call 1800-fat-sttlmet4u if you've had some of the following… Lawyer Steve will struggle for you!” If anything goes wrong with it, you experience more unwanted side effects or surgery. My band actually had a recall released on it not a long time after I got it: just a little bit used to cut the port’s tubing and keep it from getting kinked up can come undone and cause said kinkage to happen. The very best part: the recall was for companies not already inserted. For me who previously had it? “Don’t worry. Take no action. You’re probably fine.” The worst thing I concerned about was getting obstructed again without one to help me. Since the best action to take is worry and anxiety, I immediately thought of among my personal favorite books/movies: “The Stand.” There was an entire chapter within the book dedicated to people that would have survived the trouble when they hadn’t completed x/y/z (ruptured appendix, dropped off cycle and broken skull, etc) and gotten killed. I quickly put myself in this type: the world ends, I survive, except my stomach squeezes automatically shut and that I starve to death. 6. You can still make all the wrong choices What no one said and I did not discover in my own research regarding the group is: the group can be a resource for weight loss, yes, but it’s an undesirable one. Since your stomach is intact, you may still grow it. The quack I mentioned before in Irving stated a patient he was seeing who managed to stretch out his pouch so far that the upper GI revealed that his pouch only returned his intact stomach BELOW the band (one stomach, then lapband, then the other stomach.) There's also something called “soft nutrient syndrome,” where your group may actually be too tight (a state my surgeon had me constantly active in before he left.) You are physically struggling to make the “right” alternatives as it pertains to food since the right choices hurt. It never stopped to impress me how I was suddenly restricted in this regard following the group. I got to where I had endless desires for salad because I hadn’t enjoyed a salad just about the whole time I had been banded. The greens were a nono for me and might get stuck and irritate me till I put up. This kind of discomfort can also be what might cause potential congestion because I’d get swollen. You begin making choices that are simple and not right - high-calorie, creamy, fatty sauces, milkshakes, ice cream - items that are simple to eat simply because they get through the band and don’t cause any pain or discomfort. 7. You can still get all of it back I guess I knew about this potential, but I didn’t desire to contemplate it. In general, I lost about 70lbs using the group all together. To be honest: since it didn’t affect my hunger whatsoever, all it did was delay the expected. Every single food and eating relevant desire was still there, I had been only physically unable to express it. The month the ER did a partial un-load as a result of obstruction? Yea, I gained 20lbs. I dropped it again after I got re-tightened, but it showed me the report. I was probably only about 10 or 15 lbs up when I finally decided to produce a change. I joined Weight Watchers for the thousandth time and began counting and tracking - anything I will have done since Day One using the group. I don’t understand what I was thinking. I was told a lot of reasons for what the group was allowed to be and there were also lots of things that I ought to did that I didn’t. * * * Therefore I was un-banded (disbanded?) on Dec 6th (RIP Lappy 01/14/09 - 12/06/11) and opted for the gastric sleeve. I knew that when I didn’t get another form of surgery - for all my exercising and good intentions - without that safety net, I would still be back-up past 300 in per year.

Our experience was the exact opposite of the Lapband in almost every way. I feel great and wish I got the sleeve to begin with and didn’t waste nearly 36 months in agony, but what’s the cliché? Hindsight is always 20/20. The sleeve was still being polished as a technique back then and so I may not happen to be as pleased with after that it when I am now-so - here’s another for you - everything happens at its own time as well as for its own reason, I guess. I started out writing this being a comparison of every experience (hence the extensive URL), but I realized I'd far too much to write and so the gastric sleeve will have to have a unique heart later. I really do quite definitely acknowledge that IS SIMPLY one person’s experience. You will find plenty of other folks out there who love their Lap Bands and also have had amazing experience using them. I just wished to let you know what happened to me in case you're making a fat loss surgery decision right now an Get to know more about Centralia Orthognathic

[otaku-sfw-blog]

Weight Loss Surgery: A Cautionary Lap-Band Account

I made the choice to get weight loss surgery. At that time, I tipped the scales at about 305lbs. My reasons, as anybody confronted with this decision may recognize, were my own. I also made many problems at this time and people I believe need addressing. The greatest were: my alternative to really have the surgery within my neighborhood and the surgery I decided. I live in a city of 100,000+. The Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex area is roughly three hours away. There was an office of doctors within my city just reported as doing weightloss surgery, but just two: the Lapband and Gastric Bypass. I explored both surgeries and had a few ideas about each, but wanted to consult with a doctor within this office prior to making my final choice. I did believe the Lapband would probably be it for me though as it’s reversible as well as a less significant choice compared to the bypass (in terms of having my composition cutup and re-sown together and experiencing difficulties like the chance of requiring gallbladder surgery, “dumping syndrome,” and malabsorption problems.) My step-sister thought we would possess a bypass in the metroplex area before I'd my procedure and was satisfied as being a clam concerning the whole thing - I want I’d followed her lead. I met with a doctor. I had been asked what insurance I'd (National Blue Cross Blue Shield) and what technique I'd like. I told them I’d like to examine my options and the physician did a short run-down of each, but the perspective of the visit was quite definitely “Why did you come here should you didn’t already know?” I opted for Panel-Band… when I should have opted for another physician, but the Lapband involves consistent followup visits for fills (treating liquid into the band with a port under the skin to be able to keep up with the band’s tightness across the stomach and cause weight loss.) I wanted to be able to seek this maintenance in my neighborhood and never travel for three hours everytime I needed to be seen. I was ok with the probability of slower weight loss because - after spending most of my life in Weightwatchers - I understood slow weight loss was more likely to equivalent permanent weight reduction. Next time I found my surgeon was your day of the process.

I was later told this can be what’s named being a “heartbeat with insurance.” I had the procedure 01/14/09. There is no psych consult, no diet beforehand, no ending up in a dietician or exercise expert - I was told “eh, if you don’t enjoy it, take it out!“. My last stable food and carbonated beverage was 01/12/09. The surgery was a day surgery. I was put under, the group was located, I had been taken up to recover, gently hit alert, taken up to radiology, made to do an upper GI and swallow contrast material so they could scan me and be sure everything was okay. This made me begin to retch which caused among my surgical sites to reopen. I bled all over the ground - I still possess the bloodstained socks. I was patched back-up and sent home. For the first twentyfour hours, I had been hanging. I was still high on whatever they gave me in the clinic plus the Twilight sleep patch behind my ear which was placed there to prevent the inevitable sickness I get after being sedated. Next? I was in hell. I always joked about needing a Clockwork Orange Diet - one where I experience real discomfort or distress at the notion of eating since I realized that’s by what it would take to get me to improve my methods because I really like eating THAT much. Well, be careful what you wish for… I vomited constantly. I had been more sick than I've previously experienced my life. I got my pain medicine which managed to get worse. The worst part? I was still ravenously hungry. The Lap-Band had no effect whatsoever on that. I wanted only to consume and even the broths and soups I ate made me provide. The whole time I was throwing up, I had been terrified I was planning to ease my band (trigger the group to maneuver which would cause the wrong sort of constriction - myths I find out about this online stated that individuals who did this couldn’t also swallow their own spit afterward.) Band slippage often requires additional surgery to fix and I had been in enough discomfort not to ever need surgery again. I will remember my Mother visiting visit me at this point and me crying and simply saying something similar to, “What have I done? If you're also considering this, don’t do it.” My husband called the doctor to record how nauseous I had been to the stage we thought something was wrong. They shrugged it off. We called again. A doctor finally admitted maybe it had been my pain medicine. Sure enough, I had codeine awareness and things were a little better after I stopped taking the medication, but rather of presenting to restore it with another thing, I had been advised to take liquid Tylenol… that I gave up on because it didn’t help a bit. So just about I did many my healing without the pain management whatsoever $6. Besides being physically sore, I was instantly also faced with a really true feeling like mental pain. Struggling to rest or get comfy, I resigned myself to the sofa and watched TV all day. You don’t know how much food there's on TV until you can’t have any. My husband would come home from work and that I would just cry. I’d list everything I observed and what everyone ate: a detective show with sandwiches, a show with delectable cereal being nonchalantly eaten right in the field. It was concern. I don’t actually remember the post-surgery diet I had been on. I think it was a week of clear fluids, fourteen days of whole (milky), two weeks of comfortable and regular food as tolerated. I’m not 100% sure though. I had been appointed for my first follow up. I believe this was the first time I quit your house, used garments, etc. I still felt like death. I introduced myself inside the surgeon’s office, looking and feeling like death and he said ‘well done.’ I wondered if he was actually considering me. A pal got me out from the home after week two, but I still felt awful. Basically it was only a chair vacation, from languishing on my chair to languishing on hers for an evening. I took fourteen days removed from work overall. “They” will say you often will go back to work after one, but justincase there were problems, I wanted additional time to feel better - child, am I glad I took that much. Even though I was physically powerful enough after Week-One, mentally was another story - I'd have gone ballistic on everybody the first time somebody earned a take out hamburger for lunch. I continued planning to view the physician for group fills. We didn’t examine my plan for treatment or how many floods I might require - initially I didn’t even feel any difference as the band tightened. He just kept telling me ahead in. I will attempt to sum up since I don’t actually remember in what order things happened after this point. The nearly 36 months I had the group were one of the most miserable of my life. Our band never fallen or eroded, but I still experienced pain, distress and almost constant nausea. Anytime I'm asked today about what I had, I reply that the group is “medically controlled bulimia” - and I possess the deteriorated esophagus to prove it. Here are some things I wish I'd identified: 1. The band doesn’t make sense Your stomach is not a sealed container. It’s more like a sieve. The entire cause the Lapband is supposed to work is basically because the region of your belly that triggers thoughts of volume which it communicates for your head is close to the top. The band cinches up your belly to produce a tiny pre-stomach pouch that you are likely to fill with food that can trick this place into early feelings of depth. My doctor told me the entire aim of eating is to get pencil eraser-sized bites and delay MINUTES inbetween each. You need to get so “bored with eating, you receive up and go do another thing instead.” (Yes, tell somebody who is like she's starving to death to sit down before food and take pencil eraser-sized bites. That will surely work.) So tell me this: you either follow this technique and pulverize your food to the stage that it slips right through the group and defeats the reason or you take large enough attacks that you do fill up your sack, but are then in pain when you experience each piece of poorly chewed food try to go through your stoma (your new starting from stomach pouch to regular belly. I call it having “food babies.” the 1st time I experienced the impression of eating anything too large to comfortably move across this opening, it felt like the worst ice cream headache ever. in my stomach!) 2. To the majority of doctors, you're what I had been: a heartbeat with insurance Specialists get paid for doing surgery NOT for aftercare. Odds are excellent your doctor will probably LEAVE YOU. Hey, if you go have surgery in Mexico, you most likely won’t get any aftercare whatsoever! Leading me to another fun fact I wish I would have identified: 3. If your doctor leaves, NOBODY WILL TOUCH YOU. My surgeon left town and took his whole office with him within a year of my surgery. This left my town high and dry. There was nobody around who would possibly get near me. This managed to get extra fun when I ended up “obstructed” (the band packed my belly completely shut for no reason in any way - I was not able to eat or drink anything) and in the ER a couple of week after he pulled up stakes. The initial result of the ER was “go away, we don’t know anything in what you've,” but it was a three-day weekend and that I practically had nowhere else to show so I really needed to walk them through just how to take liquid from my band therefore I might have some relief. I searched physicians within a 300 MILE radius and was either refused as being a new patient although I might make my surgical report which revealed there have been no troubles with my surgery, or was quoted a silly “New Individual Fee” of anywhere from several hundred to many THOUSAND dollars. 4. Your insurance means nothing If you end up in the situation used to do, abandoned by your surgeon with no body else in your town or out who'll enable you to, congratulations: you have now joined the entire world of cash-for-support! It doesn’t subject that I've incredible insurance that paid for more or less something I needed, without any doctor to get my insurance, I was SOL. I resorted to go-between. A silly intermediary company that required money in advance and then reached a network of vendors near me (I applied Austin mainly - the quack in Irving hurt me worse attempting to give me a fill than I’ve likely ever been injured because situation before) to secure a meeting to have me a fill. I'd to utilize this service many times to secure fills to get me back-up to the stage I had been at prior to the ER had taken some out after I was hindered. 5. You are in the band’s mercy Your Lab-Group employs no preset rules. It's also suffering from things entirely outside your handle like atmospheric pressure. I am quite definitely a person of pattern and may take the same identical Lean Cuisine dinner to work with lunch everyday. I might have no difficulty whatsoever eating it or -2 to 3 days-out of five- I might throw it up. I was also told inflammation and water retention during my time could and could make the band cinch itself up. The band can be an implanted medical device. Believe very carefully about every one of the ads you see on Television: “Call 1-800-fat-sttlmet4u if you have had any of the following… Attorney Steve will fight for you!” If anything goes wrong withit, you face more negative effects or surgery. My group actually had a recall put out on it not too long after I got it: a little part used to clip the port’s tubing and maintain it from getting kinked up may come undone and cause stated kinkage to happen. The best part: the recall was for rings not already inserted. For me who previously had it? “Don’t worry. Take no action. You’re probably fine.” The worst thing I concerned about was getting obstructed again with no one to assist me. Since my favorite action to take is fear and anxiety, I immediately thought of among my favorite books/movies: “The Stand.” there is a whole chapter within the book devoted to people who would have survived the plague when they hadn’t done x/y/z (ruptured appendix, fell off bicycle and cracked head, etc) and gotten killed. I quickly put myself in this category: the entire world ends, I survive, except my stomach pushes spontaneously closed and I starve to death. 6. You can still make most of the wrong choices What no one explained and I didn't learn in my own research regarding the group is: the band is a resource for weight reduction, yes, but it’s a poor one. Since your belly is intact, you can still expand it. The quack I mentioned before in Irving described a patient he was seeing who was able to extend his sack to date an upper GI revealed that his body only reflected his intact stomach BELOW the band (one stomach, then lapband, then the other stomach.) There is also something called “soft nutrient syndrome,” where your group might actually be too small (a state my doctor had me constantly present in before he left.) You are physically struggling to make the “right” alternatives in regards to food as the right choices hurt. It never stopped to surprise me how I was suddenly confined within this value after the band. I got to where I'd endless cravings for salad because I hadn’t consumed a salad virtually the whole time I had been banded. The vegetables were a nono for me and could get trapped and irritate me till I put up. This kind of irritation can also be what might cause potential congestion because I’d get swollen. You start making choices which can be easy rather than right - high-calorie, creamy, fatty sauces, milkshakes, icecream - things that are easy to eat because they slip through the band and don’t cause any pain or discomfort. 7. You can still obtain all of it back I assume I knew about that potential, but I didn’t desire to think about it. Overall, I lost about 70lbs using the band all together. The truth is: since it didn’t impact my hunger whatsoever, all it did was delay the inevitable. Each food and eating relevant need was still there, I had been only physically unable to show it. The month the ER did a partial un-load because of obstruction? Yea, I gained 20lbs. I dropped it again after I got re-tightened, however it showed me the score. I was probably just about 10 or 15 pounds up after I finally decided to produce a change. I joined Weight Watchers for your thousandth time and started checking and tracking - anything I ought to have done since Day-One with the band. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was told a great deal of things about exactly what the group was said to be and there were also a great deal of things that I ought to have done that I didn’t. * * * And so I was un-banded (disbanded?) on Dec 6th (RIP Lappy 01/14/09 - 12/06/11) and opted for the gastric sleeve. I realized that when I didn’t get another form of surgery - for all my training and good intentions - without that back-up, I would be backup past 300 in a year.

My experience was the exact opposite of the Lap Band in pretty much every way. I'm amazing and wish I got the sleeve to begin with and didn’t waste nearly 3 years in distress, but what’s the cliché? Hindsight is always 20/20. The sleeve was still being processed being a strategy back then and so I may not have already been as happy with it then as I am now-so - here’s a different one for you - everything happens at its own time and for its purpose, I guess. I began writing this being a comparison of each experience (thus the extended URL), but I realized I had way too much to write hence the gastric sleeve must have its own heart later. I do greatly admit this IS JUST one person’s experience. There are plenty of other folks available who love their Lap-Bands and have had great experience with them. I just wanted to tell you what happened tome justincase you're building a weight loss surgery decision right now an Get to know more about Centralia Orthognathic Surgery Surgeons

[praamicon-blog]

Weight Loss Surgery: A Cautionary Lap-Band Tale

I made the choice to possess weight loss surgery. At that time, I tipped the scales at about 305lbs. Our reasons, as anybody confronted with this decision will recognize, were my own. I also made several mistakes now and those I think need addressing. The largest were: my alternative to have the surgery in my own hometown along with the surgery I decided. I reside in a village of 100,000+. The Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex area is approximately three hours away. There was an office of physicians in my own city recently reported as performing weightloss surgery, but only two: the Lapband and Gastric Bypass. I reviewed both procedures and had ideas about each, but wanted to consult with a physician within this office before making my final choice. Used to do believe the Lap-Band would probably be it for me though as it’s reversible as well as a less serious alternative as opposed to bypass (as far as having my structure cutup and re-sown together and experiencing issues like the chance for needing gallbladder surgery, “dumping syndrome,” and malabsorption problems.) My stepsister chose to have a bypass inside the metroplex area prior to I'd my method and was happy as being a clam concerning the whole thing - I wish I’d followed her lead. I met with the physician. I had been asked what insurance I had (National Blue Cross Blue Shield) and what treatment I would like. I told them I’d like to discuss my options and the physician did a quick run-down of each, but the perspective of the visit was very much “Why did you come here should you didn’t know?” I opted for Panel-Band… once I really should have plumped for another physician, however the Lapband involves frequent followup sessions for floods (treating liquid into the band using a slot underneath the skin so that you can take care of the band’s tightness round the stomach and cause weight reduction.) I wanted to help you to seek this maintenance within my neighborhood and not drive for three hours each time I would have to be seen. I had been ok using the possibility of slower weight loss since - after spending the majority of my life in Weight Watchers - I realized gradual weight loss was more prone to similar permanent weight reduction. The very next time I noticed my physician was the afternoon of the procedure.

I was later told that is what’s named being a “heartbeat with insurance.” I had the procedure 01/14/09. There is no psych consult, no diet beforehand, no meeting with a dietician or exercise consultant - I was told “eh, if you don’t like it, consider it out!“. My last stable food and carbonated beverage was 01/12/09. The surgery was a day surgery. I was put under, the band was placed, I used to be taken to recover, lightly smacked conscious, taken up to radiology, made to do an upper GI and swallow contrast material so that they could check me and make sure everything was ok. This made me begin to retch which caused among my medical sites to reopen. I bled throughout the ground - I still possess the blood-stained clothes. I was fixed back up and sent home. For that first twentyfour hours, I had been sailing. I was still at the top of whatever they gave me at the clinic in addition to the Twilight sleep plot behind my head which was put there to avoid the inevitable sickness I get after being sedated. After that? I had been in hell. I joked about requiring a Clockwork Orange Diet - one where I experience real pain or distress in the idea of eating since I thought that’s by what it'd try get me to change my methods because I enjoy eating THAT much. Well, be cautious what you would like for… I vomited constantly. I was more upset than I have ever experienced my life. I took my pain medication which managed to get worse. The worst part? I was still ravenously hungry. The Lap Band had no effect whatsoever on that. I needed only to consume and even the broths and soups I ate made me purge. The complete time I was throwing up, I had been terrified I was going to slide my band (trigger the group to move which may cause the wrong type of constraint - myths I learn about this on the web stated that those who did this couldn’t also take their own spit afterward.) Band slippage often requires additional surgery to fix and that I was already in enough pain to not actually want surgery again. I will remember my Mama coming to visit me now and me crying and simply saying something like, “What have I done? If you were even considering this, don’t do it.” My husband called the doctor to document how nauseous I was to the point we thought something was wrong. They shrugged it off. We called again. The physician finally admitted perhaps it was my pain medication. Affirmed, I'd codeine sensitivity and issues were a little better after I quit getting the medication, but rather of giving to displace it with something else, I was told to take liquid Tylenol… which I quit on since it didn’t help a bit. So just about I did so the vast majority of my healing without the pain management whatsoever $6. Besides being physically sore, I had been suddenly also faced with a very true experience like mental pain. Struggling to rest or get comfortable, I resigned myself towards the chair and watched TV throughout the day. You don’t realize how much food there is on TV before you can’t have any. My husband could come home from work and that I would just cry. I’d list everything I saw and what everyone ate: a detective show with snacks, a sitcom with delectable cereal being nonchalantly enjoyed straight from your field. It was anguish. I don’t actually remember the post-surgery diet I had been on. I think it had been per week of clear fluids, fourteen days of whole (milky), fourteen days of soft and then usual food as tolerated. I’m not 100% sure though. I had been appointed for my first follow up. I believe this was the very first time I left your house, wore clothes, etc. I still felt like death. I presented myself inside the surgeon’s office, seeking and feeling like death and he said ‘well done.’ I wondered if he was perhaps looking at me. A pal got me out of the house after week two, but I still felt terrible. Basically it was just a couch holiday, from languishing on my chair to languishing on hers for an evening. I got two weeks removed from work total. “They” will say you can probably come back to work after one, but in case there were issues, I needed additional time to feel better - son, am I glad I took that much. Even when I had been physically powerful enough after Week-One, psychologically was another story - I would have gone ballistic on everybody the first time somebody introduced a take-out burger for lunch. I continued going in to determine the physician for band fills. We didn’t discuss my treatment solution or just how many fills I may require - initially I didn’t even experience any difference since the band tightened. He just kept telling me ahead in. I'll try and sum up since I don’t really remember in what order things happened after this point. The nearly 3 years I'd the group were the most unhappy of my life. My band never slipped or eroded, but I still experienced pain, distress and almost constant nausea. Anytime I am expected now in what I experienced, I reply the band is “medically handled bulimia” - and I have the deteriorated esophagus to prove it. Below are a few things I hope I had identified: 1. The band doesn’t make sense Your stomach is not a sealed box. It’s similar to a sieve. The whole cause the Lap Band is supposed to work is because the region of the belly that causes thoughts of fullness which it conveys for your brain is near the top. The band cinches up your belly to make a little pre-stomach pouch that you're designed to fill with food that can trick this region into early feelings of depth. My doctor said the complete goal of eating would be to get pencil eraser-sized hits and wait MOMENTS in between each. You ought to get so “bored with eating, you get up and go do something different instead.” (Yea, tell a person who feels like she is hungry to death to sit facing food and take pencil eraser-sized bites. That'll surely work.) So tell me this: you possibly follow this strategy and pulverize the food to the stage that it slides right through the group and defeats the reason or you take big enough bites that you just do refill your body, but are then in pain as you feel each bit of badly chewed food try to go through your stoma (your opening from stomach pouch to normal stomach. I call it having “food babies.” the initial time I experienced the impression of eating anything too large to comfortably pass through this beginning, it felt such as the worst ice cream headache ever. in my stomach!) 2. To many doctors, you are what I was: a heartbeat with insurance Physicians receive money for doing surgery NOT for aftercare. It is likely that great your doctor will KEEP YOU. Hello, should you go have surgery in Mexico, you probably won’t get any aftercare at all! Leading me to the next fun fact I wish I would have known: 3. If your physician leaves, NO ONE WILL TOUCH YOU. My surgeon left town and took his entire office with him inside a year of my surgery. This left my city high and dry. There was nobody around who'd even get near me. This managed to get extra fun when I ended up “obstructed” (the group packed my belly completely closed for no reason at all - I had been unable to eat or drink something) and in the IM a few week after he pulled up stakes. The initial reaction of the ER was “go away, we don’t know anything by what you have,” nevertheless it was a three-day weekend and that I actually had nowhere else to show and so I actually needed to walk them through just how to consider water out of my group and so I would have some relief. I searched physicians within a THREE HUNDRED MILE radius and was either refused as a new patient even though I could generate my surgical statement which revealed there were no problems with my surgery, or was offered a silly “New Individual Fee” of anywhere from several hundred to several THOUSAND dollars. 4. Your insurance means nothing If you find yourself inside the situation used to do, forgotten by your surgeon and with no one else inside your city or out who will help you, congratulations: you have now joined the planet of money-for-support! It doesn’t issue that I've unbelievable insurance that taken care of just about anything I needed, without any doctor to get my insurance, I had been SOL. I resorted to go between. A silly middleman company that necessary income at the start and then contacted a circle of companies near me (I applied Austin mainly - the quack in Irving hurt me worse wanting to give me a fill than I’ve likely actually been hurt because position before) to secure an appointment to get me a fill. I'd to utilize this support many times to secure fills to get me back up to the level I was at ahead of the ER had taken some out once I was blocked. 5. You're at the band’s mercy Your Lab-Band uses no preset rules. It is also afflicted with things completely beyond your control like atmospheric pressure. I'm quite definitely a monster of pattern and may consider the exact same equivalent Lean Cuisine food to work with lunch each day. I may have no difficulty whatsoever eating it or -two to three days-out of five- I would throw it up. I was also told swelling and water retention during my period might and could create the group cinch itself up. The group can be an implanted medical device. Consider meticulously about all the advertisements you notice on Television: “Call 1 800-fat-sttlmet4u if you've had some of the following… Lawyer Steve will struggle for you!” If anything goes wrong withit, you face more unwanted side effects or surgery. My group actually had a recall putout on it not too much time after I got it: a little bit used to show the port’s tubing and maintain it from getting kinked up may come undone and cause said kinkage to happen. The top part: the recall was for companies not already introduced. For me who previously had it? “Don’t worry. Take no action. You’re probably fine.” The worst thing I focused on was getting obstructed again without any one to assist me. Since the best thing to do is fear and panic, I immediately looked at among my favorite books/movies: “The Stand.” there is a whole page within the book dedicated to individuals who could have survived the trouble whenever they hadn’t completed x/y/z (ruptured appendix, fell off cycle and cracked head, etc) and gotten killed. I quickly put myself within this type: the planet ends, I survive, except my stomach squeezes automatically shut and I starve to death. 6. You may still make all of the wrong choices What no one said and I failed to uncover in my own study concerning the band is: the group is a resource for weight reduction, yes, but it’s an unhealthy one. As your stomach is intact, you can still grow it. The quack I discussed earlier in Irving described someone he was seeing who were able to stretch out his bag so far that the upper GI revealed that his body merely returned his intact stomach BELOW the band (one stomach, then lapband, then the other stomach.) There is also something called “soft calorie problem,” where your group may actually be too tight (a situation my doctor had me constantly current in before he left.) You're physically struggling to make the “right” alternatives as it pertains to food because the right choices hurt. It never stopped to amaze me how I had been suddenly limited in this respect following the band. I got to where I'd endless cravings for salad because I hadn’t enjoyed a salad virtually the whole time I was banded. The greens were a no-no for me and could get trapped and irritate me until I threw up. This sort of irritation can be what would cause possible congestion since I’d get swollen. You start making choices that are simple and not right - high-calorie, creamy, fat soups, milkshakes, ice cream - items that are easy-to eat simply because they get through the band and don’t cause any pain or discomfort. 7. You can still achieve everything back I assume I knew about this potential, but I didn’t desire to consider it. All in all, I lost about 70lbs with the group all together. To be honest: as it didn’t impact my hunger whatsoever, all it did was delay the expected. Every single food and eating associated need was still there, I had been only physically struggling to show it. The month the ER did a partial un-load as a result of obstruction? Yea, I gained 20lbs. I dropped it again after I got re-tightened, however it showed me the report. I was probably no more than 10 or 15 pounds up when I finally decided to make a change. I joined Weightwatchers for the thousandth time and began checking and tracking - something I will have done since Day One with the group. I don’t understand what I had been thinking. I had been told lots of things about exactly what the group was supposed to be and there were also a lot of items that I will have done that I didn’t. * * * Therefore I was un-banded (disbanded?) on Dec 6th (RIP Lappy 01/14/09 - 12/06/11) and chosen the gastric sleeve. I knew when I didn’t get another form of surgery - for all my training and good intentions - without that safetynet, I would still be backup past 300 in per year.

Our experience was the exact opposite of the Lap-Band in almost any way. I feel fantastic and hope I obtained the sleeve in the first place and didn’t waste nearly 3 years in misery, but what’s the cliché? Hindsight is always 20/20. The sleeve was still being refined as being a method back then and so I may not happen to be as happy with it then when I am now-so - here’s a different one for you - everything happens at a unique time as well as for a unique explanation, I suppose. I started out writing this as being a comparison of every encounter (thus the extensive URL), but I noticed I'd way too much to create therefore the gastric sleeve must have a unique link later. I do quite definitely acknowledge this IS JUST one person’s experience. You will find plenty of other people outthere who appreciate their Lap-Bands and have had fantastic experience using them. I just wished to tell you what happened tome in case you're creating a fat loss surgery decision right now an Become familiar with more about Centralia Orthognathic