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archersxartxblog · 11 months ago

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finally getting chapter three up, Emmet 'Tells' Elesa about things he discovered in Sinnoh He talks Trains with his nephews and Chandelure 'meets' the boys.

Chapter three

Eleas paced back and forth in her kitchen as she dialed Emmet’s number once more.

Glancing at the clock, she muttered another curse. If she was correct, then it was almost midnight in Sinnoh, and Emmet was supposed to call her when he got out of the hospital. Yet, there had been no word from him.

It took everything in her power to keep her head. Telling herself that everything was fine. That this was, in fact, a good sign because it meant that the visit was long, meaning that this was truly Ingo and that Emnet had lost track of time.

And if this was the case she couldn't blame him. If she was in his place the hospital would need a crowbar to pry her off of him, and Emmet deserved to have all the time he could after being separated from his twin for so long.

But at the same time something itched at the back of her skull.

What if Emmet went missing too? Snatched up just like his brother.

What if this whole thing had been a ploy to lure the last subway boss out, so that whoever had taken Ingo could take Emmet as well?

The thought made her sound paranoid, and it honestly sounded a little silly.

but she had already lost Ingo.

She couldn't bear the thought of losing Emmet as well.

"Come on, come on, answer your phone already." She muttered as she listened to the ringing from the other end. "What's the point of having your phone on if you're not going to answer it?"

Then finally a click and a groggy voice came from the other end.

"Hello? I am Emmet,"

Relief washed over her and the model breathed a sigh of relief. Yet at the same time…

"Emmet! Where have you been?! I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours! Do you have any idea how worried I've been?" She could help but be annoyed at him for leaving her hanging.

"Elesa, yes, right, I was supposed to call you, sorry." She heard him mutter, he sounded tired so he must have been sleeping. She almost felt bad since she knew he hadn't been sleeping well, but…

"So?" She pressed, wanting to hear what Emmet had discovered

Only to receive a confused and tired "huh?" In return.

"So, is it really Ingo?" She continued, not meaning for her annoyance to slip through, but she wanted to know…needed to know.

Skyla already had their flight plan all set for tomorrow and what happened afterwards would depend on what Emmet’s answer was.

If it really was Ingo, then Eleas would be driving over to the twin's place and pack her brother a bag of fresh clothes, and then she, Skyla and Emmet would be staying in Sinnoh until the hospital said Ingo could go home.

If it wasn't… Well, she would be cleaning up her spare-room, then they would pick up Emmet at the airport and head back to Unova to morning the last hope they had for their brother to return home.

She listened closely as she heard Emmet take a shaky breath, her heart already beginning to drop as she felt like it was a bad sign.

"Yes! It is verrrry much Ingo!"

Eleas nearly dropped the phone from how much she was shaking, tears quickly framing in her eyes.

Ingo… after so long…

"Are-are you sure?" Just as the words left her mouth she quickly shook her head. "What am I saying? Of course you are!" Emmet would know his brother anywhere, so if he said this was Ingo then it was Ingo. He wouldn't joke about this, never this.

"H-how is he? Is he okay? Does he know what happened? Why is he in Sinnoh?!" Questions came pouring out of her mouth as she tried to wipe the tears out of her eyes, yet the smile would not leave her face.

"He seemed fine to me, though he was verrrry scruffy looking. But he had a bunch of machines connected to him, so I’m unsure. And I didn't ask about what happened, it slipped my mind."

"O-oh, okay" of course, Eleas didn't really expect Emmet to grill his twin answers after being apart for so long.

"Look, Emmet, I'm running over to your place in a bit to pack a bag for Ingo." Arceus, just saying that, made her start tearing up again. "Is there anything I should grab while I'm there? Do you need anything while I'm there?"

"I am Emmet, and I don't think I need anything. But I think Ingo would like some comfy clothes. Like a T-shirt and sweatpants. Simple stuff. Maybe a sweater, it is cold here, verrrry cold…hm" She heard him suddenly trail off, humming to himself in thought before continuing. "Actually, Eleas, could you do me a favor?"

"Ah, sure…what is it?" She replied, Slightly taken aback by this sudden request.

"Could you contact Drayden for me? I would like to know if he had anything from when me and Ingo were little…verrrry little. like clothes and such "

"Um… okay," an odd request. "Can I ask why?"

"Maybe get him to call-no, me text me later."

"Emmet, sweetie, why would you need clothes from when you two were kids?" She tried again, feeling like she was missing something important.

Silence.

"Emmet…you still there?" She started to wonder if his phone had just died on him, that was until he started speaking again.

"Um…how should I put this…ah… you'reanauntnow bye!" Then the line went dead.

The dial tone beeped quietly in the dark, as Eleas stared down at her phone, the glowing screen telling her the call had ended. her mind working at a Sliggoo's pace to try and make sense of Emmet’s rapid fire speech.

The sound of soft footsteps echoed quietly in the dark as Skyla slowly padded down the hall, yawning as she looked into the Kitchen. "Hey, Eleas, did you get a hold of Emmet yet?"

Slowly, she turned her head, eyes wide as she looked over at her tired Girlfriend. Her mind still struggling to grasp the realization of what Emmet had just told her.

"Eleas?" Skyla asked, worry written across her face as she took a careful step towards her. "Are you okay? What happened? Was it not Ingo? It's okay, I'm sure he's out there somewhere. Look let's get you some hot coffee and then we'll go get Emmet-"

She couldn't keep it in any more.

Throwing her arms around her girlfriend she screamed, not caring if she woke the neighbors up.

"WHAT DOES HE MEAN I'M AN AUNT NOW?!"

"WHAT?!"

—

Emmet was starting to wonder if Arceus itself was trying to keep his visits with his brother short.

Thanks to Eleas's call last night, he had overslept, making him verrrrry late.

He still might have made it on time if there had not been a line at the café he stopped at to get a cup of coffee and a bagel, probably not the best idea when you're in a rush but the last thing Emmet wanted was a repeat of yesterday.

So by the time he made it to Snowpoint hospital, up to his brother’s room, they had only had time for a fifteen minute visit before Ingo was whisked off by the doctors.

At least this time he hadn't been asked to leave, and this time he wasn't alone.

Ingo had not been too thrilled about leaving his kids behind, wanting to take them with him to whatever test that was being done. But the doctors and nurses managed to convince him that the boys would be better off left in the care of their uncle, rather than watching their father get an MRI.

With a reluctant sigh, Ingo told his boys to ‘be good’ and promised his brother that he would be ‘right back’, before finally following the doctor's out…

Leaving Emmet to stand awkwardly in the room with his two Nephews, whom he had only met yesterday.

And oh was the awkwardness palpable.

Emmet stood, rocking slightly back and forth on his heels, as he tried to figure out some way the silence between himself and the little passengers. He knew nothing about these kids other than they were his brother’s and they were verrrry young. So finding a subject that he could use to break the ice without his brother around was proving to be more of a challenge then he would have liked.

“Are you a Warden like daddy, Uncle Emmet?” The two year-old’s…no… Caleb's voice cut through Emmet’s thoughts. The young boy looked up at his uncle, holding his brother in his arms.

“Warden?” Emmet tilted his head, unsure what the young boy was talking about. “I am not sure what a Warden is.”

“Um…” The boy hummed, his little face scrunching up in thought. “a Warden takes care of a special pokemon”

“I see…” was this what his brother had been up to all these years? “No, I am not a Warden. I am a Subway boss, one of two.”

“Subway Boss?”

“Yep, we conduct the Subways of Unova, and battle any trainers with a win strike of twenty or higher.” Emmet explained upon seeing the confusion on the boy's face. It was fine, most people from other regions were confused with the idea of involving the battle Subway. something about battling on a moving train seemed to baffle people for whatever reason.

And since his poor brother currently didn't have the best memory at the moment, it was no wonder his children didn't know what a Subway boss was. But that was fine, Emmet was happy to explain.

“What's a Subway?”

Now that caught Emmet off, if only just a bit.

Had Ingo forgotten Subways as well?

But this was fine. Most regions didn't have Subways. After all, it was rather easy to explain. “A Subway is a train that travels underground to its destination.”

“What’s a Train?”

Now that Question had been like a Sucker Punch right to the gut.

“your-you're father never told you about trains?” Emmet questioned, looking down at his Nephews as Caleb shook his head.

Ingo never told his sons about trains. The notion almost seemed ridiculous. Blasphemous almost.

So did that mean…

Ingo had forgotten Trains as well?

Just how bad was his brother’s amnesia?

“Well then…” Emmet started, straightening his hat and standing up just a little straighter. “We'll just have to fix that, won't we. Come.”

Quickly, he ushered the boys towards the bed. Excitement pumping through his veins at the thought sharing all he knew about his favorite mode of transportation. He even scooped Fjord out of his brother’s arms and rested him on his lap, without even realizing it.

As he waited for Calab to crawl up beside him, Emmet dug out his phone, opening his personal gallery and pulling up some of his favorites.

“This, my dear Nephews, is a train.” Emmet turned his phone sideways, so that the kids could have a better view of the image of the old Galarain steam-train.

“Whoa!”

“A train is a series of connected vehicles that run along a railway track-”

—

“And this one is the magnet train, in Johto that runs between Goldenrod City and Saffron city in Kanto.” Emmet explained flipping to the image of the Johtoan train he had taken several years ago. “it can travel over 340 miles per hour”

“Wow, really? How can it go that fast?”

“It uses a magnetic force to levitate along the rails, allowing it to move without any rolling resistance.” Emmet happily answered, flipping to a Poketube video that showed the train in motion, and turning the phone just enough so Caleb could get a better look. “It's like how a Magnezone levitates.”

He wasn't sure how long they had been at this, but at this rate he could hardly care. Emmet was having a blast. It had been so long since he'd been able to just info dump about trains to someone, to have them genuinely be interested and actually engage in the conversation.

Sure, Caleb's questions were fairly basic, and Emmet was pretty sure a lot of the finer details flew right over his head. Yet he still seemed to hang onto Emmet’s every word with wide eyes and a want to know more.

Even the boy's brother Fjord, as young as he was, seemed to show interest. While the baby had not been as vocal as his brother, (Emmet wasn't sure he could even string together words yet,) Fjord had a very tiny death grip on the arm. Like he was trying to keep Emmet from moving his arm too much as he stared at the screen, mesmerized by the pictures and videos in front of him.

If this was what being an uncle was like, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

“Now this is an old Steam train.” Emmet flipped to a new photo, which he had taken the last time he had been in Anville town. “It is currently decommissioned, but they have it on display at the railyard.”

“Wow! It's so big! Is it like the other one you showed us? The one in Galar?” Caleb asked, leaning forward on his Uncle’s lap, trying to get a closer look.

“Close, the one in Galar is a newer locomotive, and mostly transport people. This one was used for freight when it was in use.” Emmet explained carefully and as simply as he could. “This picture does not really do it justice, but we can go see the real thing, once we are settled back in Unova.”

Then a thought occurred.

Emmet looked over at Caleb, watching as the boy stared wide eyed at the screen. It still seemed strange to think that he'd never seen a train before. Even if there wasn't a railway system in their region, surely they would have at least seen one in tv.

“Are there really no trains where you are from?” Emmet asked, titling his head slightly as he watched Caleb closely.

The boy shook his head looking away from the screen. “Nope, Hisui doesn't have anything like that” Caleb hummed “except maybe the angry steelix that lives down the mountain.”

Ah! Perfect!

Now he had a name for the region his brother had been taken to.

Hisui!

He’d honestly never heard of the region before. But that was what the internet was for.

“As much as I hate to say this, but we must switch tracks away from trains for a little bit.” Emmet announced, returning to the home screen on his phone. “I need to look something up.”

The second he looked back at his Nephews, he was met with sadden faces and Lilpup eyes that pulled on his heartstrings.

“awe, can't we look at just one more?” Caleb asked, looking up at him with big sad eyes. Even the boy's brother, whom Caleb had pulled into his own lap, looked up sadly at him once he realized the images on the phone weren't coming back. “Please, Uncle Emmet”

This was honestly not fair, he was being hit by a tag team using super effective moves, with no back up of his own.

How did Ingo mange this on his own.

Just one more train couldn't hurt…

A short one.

Emmet shook his head, no, he needed answers now, he was so Close to understanding what happened to his brother that he could taste it.

What he needed was a distraction of his own.

“We can look at trains later, but for now, would you like to meet some Pokémon?” The moment the words left his mouth, the assault stopped and the two boys looked at him with curiosity.

“You have pokemon, like dad?” Caleb almost sounded shocked by the concept.

Just what kind of place was Hisui?

“Of course, in fact, I have two on my person right now, though I normally have six.” Emmet answered, standing up and slowly reaching for his belt, taking the two pokeballs resting there, one of which shook ever so slightly.

Technically, this was verrrry much against the rules, but so long as they weren't caught, it should be fine. Besides he couldn't back down now, not when his Nephews were staring at him so expectantly “I have known both of these pokemon for a verrrry long time, one of them is even my partner.”

Emmet held out the two pokeballs, having every intention of releasing Eelektross first as he wanted to keep control of the situation even if he would be otherwise distracted. But the shaking of the other ball started to intensify until it burst open in his hand, and Chandelure appeared before him, twirling in the air as she shook off the glow of the pokeball.

She must have sensed her trainer nearby and broke out of her Pokeball, Emmet reasoned, she had been very anxious to see Ingo again after so long.

“Chandelure!” Emmet called out, trying to catch the ghost's attention as she looked down at the two children below.

Just staring at them like she had never seen children before.

Odd…

“Chandelure” He tried again. “These are my Nephews, Caleb and Fjord-”

Before Emmet could even get another word out, Chandelure let out an excited chime and suddenly charged towards the boys, bowling into them and knocking them both back onto the mattress.

“No,no,no,no” panic shot through the subway boss’s veins as he quickly reached out to try and pull the ghost type away from the boys. That would be just luck, Ingo's partner pokemon mauling his kids while under his watch.

Chandelure resisted the first couple of pulls, but finally she gave way, turning to look back at Emmet with an indignant stare. The boys on the other hand were…totally fine. their hair was a little messy from being squished against the bed, but otherwise they were completely fine. Fjord was even reaching up towards the Pokémon, as if trying get Chandelure to come back to him.

But still, that was a shock to the system that Emmet just did not need.

He'd never seen Chandelure act like that. She had always been good with passengers but never aggressively so.

Perhaps it was the excitement of wanting to see Ingo again, and she could sense him on the two. Or, she somehow knew that these were his kids. Either way, safety checks must be maintained.

“Please be a little gentler, Chandelure,” Emmet warned, letting go of her arm. “Ingo would be quite displeased if something happened to his children while he was out.”

There were a few chimes in reply, that Emmet was positive was some form of sass, but she remained in place, so she was at least being compliant.

With any luck, she would be able to handle the two herself.

“I am Emmet, and I need to look something up, right quick. Can you keep these two entertained for the time being?”

Chandelure bobbed in the air once, before once more charging towards the two again.

Emmet stood for a moment, making sure he was hearing giggles, and not screams, before taking a seat and taking his phone back out.

“Now, time to see what I can find about this…Hisui.”

#submas #pokemon au #subway boss ingo #subway bosses #subway boss emmet #From Hisui to Unova #Ingo's Kids #Caleb (Oc)#Fjord (Oc)#Pokemon fan fic #OCs #Zisu gets to see her boys again after so long

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bellafragolina · 6 months ago

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That's so cool!! Do you post your fics anywhere but here? I love your style of writing, and would love to check out other works of yours if you're comfortable sharing!

Speaking of, I'm so excited that you're okay with people babbling about their fics!! I don't know anybody irl to talk about this stuff with, so it's all just sorta Vibrating In My Mind cbskvnsks. The one I'm working on rn is an x Ingo fic! You have made me love the silly little subway men so much <3 I'm gonna toss a really quick rundown of the oc/story in rq!

- oc was the Champion of Kalos before the events of the gen 6 games, and takes the place of Diantha (I love Diantha sm but I feel like SO much more could have been done with her character ^^;). She also runs the Battle Château, tho I can't decide if that's something she does bc she's the Champion or if it's something family owned? (I wanted oc to have ties to the Château because Diantha is the only Grand Duchess shown in-game!)

- oc grew up with Lysandre and Malva, which is what blinds her to what her friends become once Team Magma starts coming into being. They do try to get her in on it, but quickly realize that she doesn't see the world the same way they do and keep things away from her. She knows something is going on, but she can't bring herself go looking. She's blindsided by what they were up to

- During the championship battle with Calem/Serena, her mega Metagross realizes its losing and tries to explode. Oc shatters her Key Stone to keep this from happening, and loses the battle. She's investigated for any ties to Team Magma after which causes a media scandal, though it dies down once she's proven to have had no involvement. Still, she ends up leaving the country a few months after

- She enters Unova as a model, and eventually meets Elesa. Elesa recognizes her and strikes up a conversation, and the two eventually become friends. After a while, oc shares that she hasn't battled since losing the championship, and while she and her pokemon miss it she's can't bring herself to do it

- Elesa manages to talk oc into battling against her, which eventually progresses into Elesa taking oc to the Battle Subway. The entire time, Elesa has been teasing the twins by saying she's made a super strong new friend and maybe she'll bring her by the Battle Subway someday, because she can't help gloating about fighting a Champion-level trainer even if she can't outright say she is

- They manage to fight their way to Ingo and Emmet on the first try - they are a gym leader and a former Champion after all. THIS is where the fun begins; I'm planning on doing some sort of soulmate au with this story, right now the one where your world is greyscale until your see your soulmate!

- So oc just lost both of her closest friends, her title, the trust and respect of her region, the trust of her pokemon (or Metagross, at least), up and moved across the world (leaving behind her battle facility), meets her soulmate at her absolute lowest point, AND gets BOMBARDED with color. She does not stick around after the battle. Which shatters Ingo's heart.

And that's where the Ingo x oc bit of the fic starts! Oc does come clean to Elesa like immediately after, and she and Emmet do some damage control. The fic is going to be about like,, what a soulmate actually Is in that sort of au, and healing yourself before jumping into a relationship. There's a lot of self-loathing oc has to work through, and self-esteem and image issues for Ingo to work on. They end up becoming close and helping one another grow before ever getting into a romantic relationship!

It ALSO takes place in the universe/timeline where mega evolution Happens, so I'm gonna design some mega evos for Unova pokemon >:3 Aaaand rework mega evolution to be tied to friendship and rewrite the worst gen 7 mega evo pokedex entries!

I'd love any thoughts/suggestions!! I'm worried it comes off as really Mary Sue-ish? BUT it is just harmless fun at the end of the day lsgndks. If you have any mega evo suggestions/requests that would be cool too! Thank you <3

That is AMAZING!!! Oh that sounds so hella good 👌 i am so excited for you because that’s gonna be so fucking fun to write!!

I love the idea as growing as people with your soulmate before getting in a relationship, because imagine all the ups and downs that could have! I don’t have any suggestions for you really, you seem to have it all down and ready to go!! That and I never played the games set in kalos so I wouldn’t have any of that background info to support any ideas lolol

I hope you have such a blast writing it!!

As for your first question, I do have two other writing blogs for other fandoms, but I don’t try and cross them over with one another so they’re easier to manage. One I’ve fallen off the wagon for, but the other is a more multi fandom blog kinda?? If that makes sense

I can give you the url if you want but I must beg you please not judge me for my taste in men lolol

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smallestapplin · 2 years ago

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Reverse lost joltic idea: emmet fretting and sticking up lost posters and encounters one that just says is this your joltik? and its a picture of his little joltik in a new silly hat then underneath it says not any more :D then underneath that it says call XXX to discuss child support payments

I honestly found this idea so cute.

Emmet is panicking.

Just several weeks ago, he hatched a few beautiful joltiks. He named them all, gave them their own ribbons, and spoiled them all rotten.

Until one went missing.

He isn’t sure when, but we he came home from work and said hello to all his baby Pokémon, he noticed it.

A light pink ribbon was missing from his bunch.

Emmet calls Ingo frantically, asking his twin if he has peaches.

He nearly weeps when his brother says he hasn’t.

He tried to calm down, his joltiks have done this before, they’ll just show back up in a day or two! Yeah, yeah he just has to wait.

Emmet is not a patient man.

By the next day he already had fliers printed, fully ready to post them and hang them everywhere he could.

But it seems someone beat him to it.

In his hand is a flier that he didn’t put up, of his missing joltik, who looks safe and happy. Her ribbon still on, but with the addition of a small flower barrette

‘This your joltik? Not anymore! Please call xxx-xxx-xxxx to discuss child support and shared custody.’

- y/n’

He wants to laugh, he wants to cry, he’s relived his baby is okay, and that this had to be the funniest way he finds out.

Emmet doesn’t hesitate reaching for his phone, and punching in the number.

“Hello?”

“I am Emmet! You have my joltik, peaches!”

“Oh so you’re the dad to this little cutie.”

He can hear the cooing in your voice, and a quiet squeaky sound. You chuckle at his audible sigh, sounding like a weight was lifted from his shoulders.

“She’s doing just fine, she’s been nothing but a sweetheart. She was so scared when I found her, obviously I knew she had to belong to someone.”

“Thank you, I’ve been worried sick!”

“If you’d like we can meet up at a café and discuss split custody there.”

You were serious? He knew his joltiks were the cutest, and sweetest! But he won’t mind.

Knowing his pokéchild, she must’ve gotten attached to you, as much as you to her.

Emmet is quick to agree, wanting to see his Pokémon again and make sure she’s truly okay.

He was there within ten minutes.

Sitting by the window, to try and look out for anyone with a ribbon having joltik.

He was still in his uniform, so he hopes that’ll give him away.

He doesn’t know how he missed you, but you walked right up to his table. Peaches the joltik riding happily on your shoulder.

You coo as you sit down, watching said Pokémon jump off your shoulder and right to her original trainer.

“I found her about a block or two away from the subway station.” You started.

Catching his attention. Emmet looks away from peaches, and to you.

“She looks so nervous and scared, I couldn’t just leave her there. Her ribbon told me she had to belong to someone around here, she’s too friendly and trusting not to.”

He only nods along as he pets the small spider.

“So that’s why I have to ask if you’d be okay sharing her. She’s awfully cute, and the sweetest little tv buddy.”

Emmet was debating, or, he was.

Until peaches jumped from him and back to you, nuzzling against your hand.

How could he deprive his child of that?

“I work weekdays. We can meet at a park to switch.”

You smile so brightly at him.

“Thank you! You’re much too kind.”

You held you hand out and introduced yourself.

Emmet’s own warm hand reached out and shooks yours.

He wasn’t aware just how long ago that was.

How could he have ever known losing one of his joltiks, would’ve landed him the love of his life?

He looks over to your sleeping form on the couch.

Little peaches, now a galvantula, laying on top of you, sleeping with you.

You must’ve been trying to stay up for him again.

He’s truly so lucky.

#pokemon #pokemon imagines #pokemon x reader #pokémon #pokemon fluff #pokemon fanfic #pokemon emmet #pokemon emmet x reader #submas #submas emmet #submas x reader #submas emmet x reader

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dittolicous · 2 years ago

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I love all of that. Its really funny to imagine slightly chaotic domestic fluff with the Submas and the depot workers. (There has probably been pokemon battles over who gets to make coffee first/who has the last coffee, who has to deal with the school trips,ect)

I am so with you ;w; It's part of the reason I wanna get back to the agents in my fic, cuz not only do I want them interacting with the twins in just your average boss-employee fashion (with a dash of genuine family vibes), but them getting used to Lady Sneasler and the tagalong kids (Dawn n co, cuz you can bet ur tuckus she's gunna wanna tour of the facility with them acting as the actual bosses) and just. Doing what they do best.

They're good at what they do, that's no joke, but most of them long-timers are verrrry comfortable giving each other shit. Including low stakes battles in who has to handle what (if they're lucky, Ramses is available to hand school trips, the guy is oddly good with kids, but otherwise it's time to D-D-D-DUEL and even if Jackie is there... No one trusts them to make coffee. You never know what odd, esoteric flavor he'll go with - without even going against allergies!). Isadore allows it because 1) the Masters allowed it thinking it's good for team building and problem solving skills and 2).... He's competitive. Not as much as Cloud, who will join in on these chore deciding battles just for the sheer heck of beating up her coworkers, but. Definitely up there!

(Isadore is Big Talk but often is just as bad as the rest of them when it comes to silly debates or not wanting to handle annoying patrons)

They are an odd bunch, a good many of them all actually working there before they became the Subway Masters (Cameron and Furze being the Babies of the In squad), but they trust Ingo and Emmet whole heartedly. The subway became what it is under their vision and leadership, afterall!

And if you add in the chaos of handling or working alongside what it technically an extinct Pokemon who's favorite activity is chaperoning lost kids or acting normal as your climbed by Poison Weasels? God I'm excited. Especially as more get added into the mix.

Besides, what fun would their job be if it wasnt totally full of oddballs? =3

#submas #pokemon #Depot Agents #catching trains fic

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ihaveatheoryonthat · 2 years ago

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Course Correct

Note: This is unfinished and I likely won’t be returning to it. It ends abruptly and is littered with placeholders/notes. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, you’re better off skipping this.

---

Their first week back on the literal rails, they ran the Multi-Trains and only the Multi-Trains.

It was fantastic. Emmet had never experienced anything quite like the influx of challengers or the frequency with which they were met. Even with the Battle Subway’s grand opening, there had been a level of apprehension present that was nowhere to be seen in this instance.

After such a long period of watching his own enthusiasm diminish, it was like a Wake-Up Slap. It wasn’t the somber responsibility of taking over the Single lines, or the paradoxical monotony of Doubles; this was what he was here for, it was [idk], it was give and take, it was living again. The challengers were many and varied, and he represented just one half of the united front they crashed against.

And Ingo shined, so excited, so starved for a challenge that he’d broken script on the very first denouement in his delight. His volume had been a tad bit excessive, but the trainers had been gracious in their defeat and refrained from mentioning it; if they had, Emmet probably would have ignored the complaint and egged his twin on, but they’d been nothing but smiles and ‘welcome backs.’ It was a theme that stayed consistent throughout, and wasn’t that a relief? To see evidence that it hadn’t just been him, that there had been an entire subculture of people worse for the temporary loss of his brother.

It was a little funny that he’d gone back to what he’d always done during his time in Hisui, but mostly it was sad. What was the stillness of a tunnel without something to break its silence? Where was the fun in a Battle Facility that saw only the same scant faces a handful of times in a week? Emmet could only imagine the jarring difference between living in the world’s third most populous city and the treacherous peaks of an untamed Sinnoh. How boring must it have been? How unbearable, the building static of anticipation beneath the skin, unable to be discharged in battle?

That didn’t matter anymore. In every sense, it was in the past.

During the bursts of downtime, they abandoned their standard positions and took the handholds off to the side, shoulders bumping together, chatting gleefully about what had worked in the opponents’ strategy, whether their initial impressions had stood up to the trainers’ conduct, and if they might see the combatants again, be it together or with a new partner. It wasn’t the same as before. There were small, constant, reminders of that fact, but Emmet would never call it a bad thing; Ingo had come away from Hisui with a unique perspective, and, as silly as some of the things he’d highlight were, they were also illuminating.

Emmet was verrrry grateful for their passengers’ patient support of the changed schedule. He didn’t want to think too hard on what might have happened if he’d been left to stew by himself in between Doubles challengers; he was relatively confident the answer was that he’d have given up by the end of the first circuit, stormed Singles and invited himself to stay. He might still do that, truthfully, once the subway resumed standard operating procedures. Maybe he’d just write it into the itinerary ahead of time, officially give himself a day to spectate so big brother didn’t have any room to get on his case. Amusing though the occasional pointed remark may have been, it lost its charm after the third sigh.

Besides, it was far more satisfying when they were on the same wavelength, and Emmet felt they’d earned some time to appreciate it. The years apart had left them out of sync-- not impossible to match up, but it had taken a dedicated effort to recognize where and why they’d fallen out of step, even if the rhythm was easy to fall back into. Some old habits were a lovely return to form, and others were a pitfall waiting to collapse under the first sign of pressure. It wasn’t a guessing game, but one of deduction and understanding; when Emmet recognized why Ingo might tread lightly, or Ingo was secure enough to follow Emmet’s charge, [I forgot where I was going with this].

He’d never wanted to change this particular combination, but it was simply [unrealistic] not to acknowledge that they were stronger for the gaps they’d formed and then bridged-- more than two halves, lost without the other. Better to be able to stand on your own and support [phrasing?] than to topple at foreshocks and drag the both of them down.

#ihaveatheoryonthat pkmn #submas #writing scraps

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manchasama · 3 years ago

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Pluck it. I’mmana do it. I’m posting this basically raw from my notes file. This is how I got dragged into submas, because my brain went tripping down this idea.

Here is the FNAF:SB background post and all

Might as well put this self indulgent stuff here. This is the fnafsb meets trainmuppets stuff

So this would be post "AI chip theft attempt" in my story. Timeline wise….

So Gregory is 10 at fnafsb. I'd say he's about 11 or 12, probably 12 when the breaking happens. But during that first year or so, he gets his hands on a left behind DS and the black&white pokemon games. (Listen, he waited a full month of it being in lost and found before he absconded with it. It was an old system, so they probably consider it trash anyway). So he plays the game to death, and really likes the challenge of the battle subway and trying to fight the twins. Thinks they're silly but cool. (They kind of remind him of Sun and Moon tbh)

So breaking happens, life goes back to mostly status quo. Not sure if the sentience of the animatronics has gotten very far in the rumor mill yet, but it's definitely not widespread yet. Probably just with the technicians at this point. Gregory probably watches the anime, and really likes it when the twins show up in it (among other things of course). Since Gregory lives with people who are designed to be a bit silly and have no shame about "cringe" stuff, he does end up being a lot more comfortable with liking things "too young" or "too dumb" or the like.

The animatronics figure out a way to buy Gregory a gift. They probably loop Vanessa in, who signs up for some freelance contract work but the bots are the ones doing the actual work. Technically illegal if she gets caught but she's kind of beyond caring about stupid things like that anyway.

So the idea probably comes from Moon (and Sun?), but they all help out to get it. They get him a switch and the latest Pokemon game, Legends of Arceus. Gregory is overwhelmed (though he tries very hard not to be, but god dang this is the nicest thing anyone's done for him basically ever). And he plays the game, and has a great time, and then he comes across Ingo.

And like. He should be happy about it. These characters he really liked…well this character he really liked showed up in the game. It's pretty cool that something so old would be brought into the newest game. It is. But…there's something restless in his chest. The things Ingo says, about remembering a precious partner. But he also doesn't really know what to do about it. He can't /do/ anything about it in fact.

It bothers him enough to be noticeable to the others, but not like super distressing. Just occasionally his thoughts circle back to it and he gets frustrated and sad. Freddy is of course there for him, and he loves the comfort of papa bear. But he doesn't really think he can articulate it to any of them. Except maybe…Sun and Moon.

It's easier with moon. With the low lighting, just to climb into Moon's lap. It's reassuring, and Gregory needs all he can get because he still doesn't know how to process what he's feeling. He /knows/ it's just a dumb game. So why does he feel…. (like his heart is breaking, heavy empathy) It's probably partial trauma from what happened to the bots and specifically sun and moon. Being ripped apart from each other literally in their case, and how horrible it was for Moon left behind.

Anyway he spills the beans on what he's feeling to them, and they help him process it a bit. Sun is the one who searches online for stories and pictures others have done, showing Gregory that he's not alone in his feelings, in his desire for a reunion of the brothers.

If I have done the cross over with gravity falls and dipper, can use something magical to explain what happens. But otherwise I have no idea what happens that sends Gregory to the Pokemon world. Whatever it is, Sun and Moon will have the ability to follow him in a bit.

Anyway, Gregory is pretty damn good at rolling with the punches that life gives him these days. Getting transported (away from his family) to a new location really should be chump change. (He ignores his pounding heart, that he is alone again, that he has no home here, that he will be on the streets again). And as he wanders along, he comes across the subway (purposefully or not). And he overhears whispers that Ingo has been gone for x number of years. And he sees Emmet, with his empty smile as he tries to hold up the world alone.

(Potentially there is a language barrier. Gregory went through a phase of trying to learn Japanese, and can be okay at it, but in his panic and frenzy he can barely remember how to string english words together)

He doesn't even remember moving, doesn't remember much but grabbing Emmet's sleeve and his attention and just blurting out that he knows where Ingo is. (It strikes a spark in Emmet's eyes, desperate hope that doesn't fizzle out the entire time Gregory tries to explain)

Emmet brings this strange child to his house, where Gregory through a series of pantomimes and broken Japanese manages to get across the concept that Ingo is in ancient Sinnoh. (getting paper and a pencil to try and visualize things. Making a crude map and asking where, until Emmet brings up a map of the regions and Gregory can figure out which is Sinnoh. Making a line, a clock, a crude drawing of gregory meeting emmet and them arriving in the house and where they are now. Dragging a finger along the line, seeing if Emmet is understanding he means a timeline, passage of time. When he thinks he does, dragging his finger as far as he can and pointing off into the distance, then pointing to Sinnoh. Does Emmet understand? (Emmet does get the gist of it. He doesn't know how or why, but he trusts.))

Potentially this is where Sun comes in, or Gregory had the game on him and pulls it out. Shows Emmet his brother in the game. Emmet taking the console and just staring at his brother. Not real, obviously cartoony, but it could be no one else. I think then Sun could come in.

So however Sun and moon manage to follow, they are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of their depth here. They should be hiding from people, because they are not in the pizzaplex any more, and what will these people do to them, but they need to find Gregory. They have a ping from the watch (proximity with the build in hardware), and have been following it. People have stared, pointed, but they don't look angry or particularly scared. (They probably realize Sun is not a pokemon, but what on earth is going on? Is it a performer? What a costume!)

Tempted to have Sun interact with people. He and Moon can speak Japanese (among other languages), and of course he loves kids. Maybe even interacts with some of their pokemon. But he is still searching for Gregory, so it's not much of an aside.

Once Gregory realizes that Sun is there, once he's wrapped in familiar metal arms, something in his chest loosens. He's not here alone. And while having his full family would be good, at least he has these two. (He honestly trusts their common sense a bit more than the glams anyway)

Settle back in with Emmet, and Sun acts as a translator (Gregory in his lap, because again comfort is needed.) Emmet is unbothered by talking to an animatronic, is unbothered by the strangeness of the story, doesn't really need the clarification but appreciates the effort. Ingo is alive, and hurt (lost memories), and needs Emmet to find him. He believes this strange story. (It is so much better than wondering, to believe this. Even if it hurts, it is hot coals compared to broken glass.) So Emmet will go. Somehow.

Gregory gets crash tutored by sun and moon on the language, and he's a clever kid who is now immersed in the language so he picks it back up quickly.

Emmet getting to know Gregory and Sun and Moon. Gregory is taking the lead, as he usually does with the animatronics. But Emmet knows the world better and leads the Quest as it were. They are all basically driven by manic energy (trauma *jazz hands*).

Sun and Moon don't even bother bringing up trying to get home to Gregory. They know that leaving this situation as is, not seeing it through to the end, would hurt Gregory far more than the dangers of staying in this world. Physical damage can be avoided, protected against, and healed. Mental damage on top of what's already there would be there forever in a way. Besides, the way home is waiting for them whenever they want to take it. (Whatever it is sobs)

At some point Emmet brings up Gregory catching some pokemon. Gregory turns it down. As cool as it is, he couldn't safely bring them back to his world, it would be far too dangerous for the pokemon and the unsuspecting humans. There's no way to take care of them. He can't hide them in the pizza plex, and he won't leave his home. And he won't befriend them just to leave them behind. Emmet is proud and impressed at the maturity of that decision, though disappointed he won't have a chance to battle Gregory ever.

So the trick is to get to ancient Sinnoh. The right time period that Ingo is in. Trying to hunt down a pokemon god is certainly doable, but I'm thinking if the way Gregory arrived was spell related, that gives enough flexibility. Gregory casting it not really knowing what it does? Possibly. Sun and Moon having to try their hand at /magic/? Why would magic work for an animatronic? It's not like they have souls or anything, right? (it totally does work tho) And then too it lets Gregory take Emmet outside the Pokemon world to crash in at another point in time/space. Using Emmet as the pivot point, his connection to Ingo. They will arrive the same relative time to Ingo. Like two trains that have diverted onto separate tracks, you can't just reconnect the current track to track so far behind you. Or rather if 2 years passed for Emmet they can hook up with Ingo who lived 2 years in Hisui, but not Ingo who just arrived in Hisui. The connection has to be there, and there's too much distance between Emmet who lived without his brother and the time his brother only just arrived. Idk im tired i hope i'm articulating well enough for future me.

So yeah, to ancient times, reunite the bros. I don't have any particularly new ides for this, so the usual will do. Ingo will for sure remember Emmet right away, bc I need it.

Hmm, I'm wondering if the way they travel is actually hopping back to Gregory's world. Yeah, that actually might work. So Gregory brings Emmet back to his world. Gives him time to check in with Papa bear and all, who is probably verrrrry worried at this point. The other animatronics can't come with because of their need for a charging station. Sun and Moon charge off kinetic energy, so they can go. But if they are missing (again for much longer) then there might be some bad repercussions for them. Scrapping when they return and all. It's not going to /stop/ them, but

But Emmet also realizes that they are putting themselves at risk for him. And he stops them there, safety first and all that. Surely they can plan a better route. (Even if the delay hurts, he wants to go /now/). But Gregory still has to figure out how to adjust the time/location of the transport spell back into the Pokemon world. Doesn't take too long tho. Basically they coordinate it for a shutdown (where the plex closes for a few days), and the maintenance team is convinced to cover for a brief absence. They think Sun and Moon are going outside, and while nervous are kinda gung ho about it. Stick it to the man, you funky robos. Then they make it back to Ingo and all.

Once affairs are wrapped up, now they need to get the brothers home. I think the problem is that they misjudge their return, and end up crashing into the center of the crowded atrium during open hours. With some quick thinking, they manage to pass it off as an event/show. Maybe even have one of the pokemon out as an "animatronic please do not touch". Emmet and Ingo are very showboaty, and while out of practice Ingo manages. Language barrier might be an issue, if I do keep that. Hmmmmmmm. (Idea, that while Emmet and Ingo start it off, Sun jumps in to direct the show as it were. Flipping over their heads, aided by the rope, he announces himself loudly. "Helllllo! Did you miss me?" etc etc and basically ad-libs Ingo and Emmet as guest day care attendants. Their black/white theme does sort of match Sun and Moon so it's pretty buyable)

Anyway they are stuck for a few days, because a bunch of things happen. Sun and Moon's absence was covered, the other animatronics helping cover their shifts perhaps in between their own stuff, so management is not the wiser. But the technicians also have a surprise for them. See, originally they were meant to be two animatronics. And taking into account some of the "wishlist" upgrades the two wanted, the recent success of the pizzaplex, the technicians managed to budget in new (separate) bodies for them! Sun and Moon are…horrified! :)

It's after hours, and the technician has just revealed the news to Sun. Sun who goes into supreme anxiety mode. Who backs away, runs away back to (safety) the day care. The lights are out and Moon climbs to the darkest furthest corner to (hide) protest. They do not want to be separated (they are terrified).

The technician(s) are crushed, because they wanted to do something nice but it totally backfired. They aren't going to force Sun and Moon into it, they'll figure out something to explain to the higher ups. But then Emmet strides forward and starts climbing the netting toward where Moon is. (Freddy shoos everyone away, but doesn't have the heart to fully remove Ingo. Nor Gregory, who is leaning heavily against his side while they sit and wait. Gregory has adopted aggressive contact as a comfort model, so lap sitting and leaning into people are his go-to)

Emmet talks to Moon. Or rather, listens to Moon rant. It gets to the point where Moon has worked himself into enough of a frenzy and accuses Emmet from having no idea how it felt. And Moon stops himself because while it's true, it's not true, and it's not fair.

Still, Emmet is still smiling, as he always does, but he tells Moon. Tells him of the gaping hole in his chest of the absence of the one who'd always been there. Of the near madness of not knowing what happened. And then he tells them of the time where people started to point the finger of blame at Emmet. He was the last one who saw Ingo. He lived with him. Was it possible Emmet had done something? The rumors didn't last, anyone who was anyone knew how close the brother were, but it killed something in Emmet. /Had/ he done something to send Ingo away? While he knew now that he did not, that it had been out of their control, that time was worse than just Ingo being missing.

So maybe Emmet didn't understand exactly. But he understood all the same. And the recoupling of their train and how it wasn't the same but was still good. There were repairs to be made. It would probably never run exactly the same. But it wasn't bad.

(I probably had better ideas for this part but i am running on too little sleep to remember)

Anyway so that's how Sun and Moon are convinced to go in the separate bodies. Their old body is set aside as a backup if one of them is ever too damaged or something comes up etc, rather than recycled for another animatronic. It's disturbing but comforting, knowing that nothing wearing your old skin will be walking around.

Not sure if I want them to have an eclipse mode before hand. If they did, then it's a copilot type situation with a mismodge of settings. Possibly it lets the back AI come to the front instead without the necessary light requirements. But after maybe the technicians designed their two bodies to have the ability to combine, because they /know/ how much being together means to sun and moon. And while they can't have it all the time, it does give them an option (supposed to be for security purposes, but you know they'll use it when they need the comfort instead)

I had something else but I have no brain for memory right now. It involved a way for them to go back and forth at will, so you could have that event for realsies maybe with Emmet and Ingo, or you could have Gregory have an opportunity to raise a team since he has free access to the other world.

#fun times ahead #submas #fnaf: security breach #*puts face in hands*#it was extremely self indulgent but #i hope someone enjoys it #gonna go die of embarrassment now

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wormstacheangel · 4 years ago

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Since your last post implied it I would love to know about your AU recommendations ❤ I am obsessed too!! Thanks in advance 🙏🏻

hello! I hope you don’t mind if I just make a basic list of some of the AU stories I have read or want to read. Not in any order I just went through my bookmarks on AO3 :) Also I need to read more...Under the cut because it got too long!

Angel's Wild (not gonna lie this is my favorite fic. I have read this almost a dozen times now)

Summary: But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels.

Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God, protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right?

That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.

Checked Out

Summary: Castiel Novak can think of many writers who would not be welcome under the roof of Heaven’s Gate library, where he is the librarian: Ayn Rand ranks highly (no explanation needed), as does Charles Dickens (he hasn’t forgiven Charles for the month he lost to The Pickwick Papers). And, of course, Dean Winchester. Dean Winchester, local author and obvious a-hole, who is entirely too handsome to be true and who is clearly totally lacking in profundity, intelligence, sincerity, and self-awareness. Unfortunately, though, Dean’s been invited to do a book signing at Heaven’s Gate - and Castiel’s about to be confronted by some unexpected feelings when he finally meets Dean for the first time.

A Ghost Story

Summary: Castiel Novak has haunted his family's estate for 150 years, awaiting the return of his lost love. Upon their reunion, Dean Winchester learns of his past reincarnation. After the night of Castiel's resurrection, the two try to find out why they've been given a second chance. The answers may be hidden in the forgotten memories of Dean's former life - but sometimes the truth is better left buried.

Patient Love

Summary: Castiel Novak is 27 when he suddenly loses his twin brother Jimmy, and his whole world turns to ashes. How do you deal with losing half of yourself when your whole life always revolved around the two of you, like yin and yang and black and white? How do you deal with a broken soul and old demons looming over you with no one to hold you back anymore?

After 10 years as a Navy Special Warfare Operator and more than a dozen deployments in both Afghanistan and Iraq, a battlefield injury forces 28-year-old Chief Petty Officer Dean Winchester to chose between being stuck behind a desk for the rest of his career or going back to civil life. When he learns about his friend Jimmy’s death, Dean makes his way back to Kansas with his heart in his throat and broken pieces at his feet.

Things are already complicated and painful enough as it is, but when former lovers Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak meet again after 10 years of radio silence and a galaxy of wounds and scars solidly standing between them, it feels like both a curse and a blessing has been placed on them both. Is there any hope in putting back their broken pieces together after a decade, and how do you deal with grief and broken dreams?

The Unbroken

Summary: Dean’s life had been made of running. He ran from a curse that had desolated his life ever since he was a child — whenever he got hurt, he turned into a goddamn human-torch, killing everyone around him — and he ran from himself and his own self-loathing.

But managing all that at the end of a world full of Croats lurking around every corner was easier said than done.

Until a mysterious man with tousled dark hair paired with blue eyes as clear as the sky during a hot summer’s day stopped him from free falling, literally. In one fell swoop, the stranger had not only saved his life but also calmed the wildfire threatening to burn everything in its wake.

There was something about Castiel that made Dean want to stop running but also hid something darker — something Dean couldn’t quite put his finger on. And between soft, pillowy lips and feather-like fingerprints, Cas could very well shatter Dean’s world and maybe help save the whole world in return.

While You Were Sleeping

Summary: A Destiel version of While You Were Sleeping! Castiel is alone and floundering. He has a crush on one of the passengers who passes through his subway station every morning. When the man gets pushed onto the tracks, Cas saves him. But when they get to the hospital there's a mix up and Cas finds himself engaged to a complete stranger. Enter, the rest of the family, including big brother Dean. How will Cas navigate the relationship with his supposed future in-laws? What will he do when Sam finally wakes up? And why can't he stop thinking about Dean?

Purgatory, director's cut

Summary: this doesn’t have a summary but it is dean and cas in purgatory and it’s soooo cool! I promise it’s amazing and worth the read!

Basic Lessons in First Aid, Magical or Otherwise

Summary: Most people probably wouldn’t take the naked, heavily wounded man they found in an alley home with them. Most people probably wouldn’t also offer that man a place to stay and become his best friend after realizing he’s suffering from an intense case of post-traumatic retrograde amnesia. Most people probably wouldn’t then risk almost everything they know to save said man, and maybe save the world in the process.

But then again, Dean Winchester, RN (with a specialty in supernatural care), has never been like most people. He may not have a magical bone in his body, unlike his brother Sam, but he’ll do whatever it takes to help. Even if Castiel has questionable opinions about Star Trek.

What Greater Gift

Summary: Story idea: The most wanted woman in town has announced that she’ll only marry the one who can open her front door with the key around her cat’s neck. Many men try to hunt the cat down, chase and trap it, but to no avail, the cat is simply too quick, smart and clever, and always finds a way to evade and avoid them. You are the first one to figure out the obvious: Do not chase the cat. The cat is befriendable. Get the cat to trust you, to genuinely enjoy your company, and you can hang out with the cat. You may eventually be allowed to touch the cat. The cat will freely let you take the key.

From a prompt found on Tumblr. Saw this and I couldn't resist a Destiel AU, and I've been wanting to write Witch!Cas for ages.

I know when you go down all your darkest roads

Summary: Dean and Castiel go undercover as a couple going through therapy, in order to catch a monster that specifically targets couples dealing with issues, feeding on their distress, anger, and pain.

They end up going through a lot more than a case, unfolding feelings left untold for so long, discovering parts of each other they never intended to uncover.

But will the feelings raging inside them be enough to bring their walls down?

A Fish Out of Water

Summary: To tie up the loose ends of a hunt, Dean is forced to go undercover and visit Brock Pleasure Ranch, a horrifying establishment that markets its inhabitants to people with ‘monstrous’ tastes.

It should have been a simple thing, to persuade a mer to give him a few scales for a spell. All part of the usual Winchester byline: saving people, hunting things.

But Castiel is far less of a ‘thing’ than Dean expected. He might not be human, but he’s definitely a person. And that means he needs saving, too.

The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Chlamydia

Summary: Dean doesn't expect to see his one night stand again, but then again he also doesn't expect to find out he has an STD. Sometimes life is hilarious like that.

Just as lost as I

Summary: Dean's been in love with Castiel for centuries. He keeps it buried, never letting himself get too close, but when Castiel goes missing he doesn't hesitate. He's going to find him if it’s the last thing he ever does.

Love Bites

Summary: Cas Novak graduated with a 4.0 in Mathematics, but not even Naomi Novak’s money could help him at job interviews. Anxious and dissatisfied with life, at nearly thirty he’s still washing dishes in the back of his best friend Hannah’s café.Until one night when his cat drags an injured bat into his apartment.

Dean may be a vampire, but he’s not an asshole (well, not much.) He feels like he owes the awkward guy for rescuing him from the cat’s clutches, so he sets about changing Cas's life.

A silly story about families who aren’t quite what they seem, fake boyfriends, and falling in love with someone who’s never, technically, met you.

The Bad Cop, Worse Cop Adventures of Freckles and Feathers

Summary: Miami. A place with beaches, babes, palm trees, and a growing drug-fueled crime organization. To help combat the drugs littering the streets, Captain Singer puts together a Tactical Narcotics Team composed of Miami's two finest and fearless officers. Charming casanova Dean Winchester has fought tooth and nail, rising through the ranks for this position. Trench coat toting Castiel Novak knows more hand-to-hand combative techniques than he does people skills. Between Dean's big mouth and Castiel's take-no-shit attitude, their introductory meeting ends on a less than stellar note and a couple of hard to shake nicknames.

After six months of partnership, the nicknames have stuck and so has the sexual tension. When a murder in the middle of the night launches their biggest lead on a cleverly evasive drug lord, Dean is shocked to find Sam at the center of it. Sam comes clean with his involvement and Charlie, their witness, seeks revenge against the man responsible for killing her friend. As the stakes rise higher so do Dean’s feelings putting everything in jeopardy. Is a cop with everything to prove, a cop with everything to lose, one computer hacker witness, and a damn good ADA enough to save the day?

The Care and Feeding of Castiel

Summary: Dean’s quiet time in the bunker is interrupted by some stranger-than-usual behavior from his angel. Oh, and feathers...there are a lot of those, too.

First Gentleman Wanted

Summary: President of the United States Castiel Novak is popular, charismatic, and knee-deep in campaigning for a second term. He’d be the ideal candidate if it weren’t for the fact that he hasn’t dated once while in political office. With his opponent’s relentless PR team calling him incapable of emotional commitment, Castiel’s staff decides to remedy the situation by finding their boss a fake, picture-perfect boyfriend. And when Dean Winchester enters the scene, he and Cas become America’s new favorite couple, except they’ve got a whole lot of history between them and complicated feelings to resolve.

The Graveyard Shift

Summary: Dean’s favourite coffee shop, The Graveyard Shift, is only open after the sun goes down. Which is perfect for him, because that’s exactly when he craves coffee the most while doing the overnight at the fire hall. The coffee shop’s owner is pretty perfect too, but it’s kind of a bummer that Dean never gets to see Cas during the day. In a world where the supernatural live more or less in peace with the rest of humanity, it’s a little impolite to ask Cas just what he really is - or what his dark past entails.

The Path of Fireflies

Summary: After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Summary: Heaven is white.Well. Isn’t that fucking stereotypical.-Dean isn’t really sure how he got here. Or even why he’s here. And hell, for all the times the Winchesters have died, he thinks he ought to know the drill by now. But what he doesn’t know is when most folks go, they find something different.

There’s a system God put in place. That when you’re gone (for good), there are a couple things you gotta do first. There are five people waiting for you.

They are the five people you meet in heaven.

Doing this made me realize I need to read more longer fics. I usually just read the short ficlets on tumblr but I need to broaden my horizon and read more. But yes! These are the AU’s currently in my bookmarks. Hope you find one to enjoy :)

#fic rec #answering the q's #lalisfandoms

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emybain · 5 years ago

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Speak Up

hiiiiii I dont like this fic but im posting anyway because im tired and my body is driving me nuts right now! maybe when I can think clearly again ill write another fic where nova and Adrian have a fight (or maybe ill just write it now sksksk) because this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I felt bad about just deleting it though so I figured I might as well post it,,,no harm in that other than my reputation

SPOILERS FOR SUPERNOVA

Nova draped an arm over her eyes, feeling a headache coming on. Well, she had a recurring headache just about every day so far that week, and it was only Tuesday. Already she was sick of them. They weren’t the only things she was sick of.

“Men are stupid,” Danna said from below Nova. She, Ruby, Danna, and Narcissa were all in Ruby’s room. It still felt weird for Nova to have girl acquaintances, dare she say friends, the same age as her after only having Ingrid and Honey for so many years down in the subway tunnels. “Why do you think I like girls?”

Nova and Danna were still on rocky terms, Danna being the only one left on Nova’s former team who hadn’t fully forgiven Nova yet. Nova didn’t blame her; she’d be stubborn to forgive herself as well after everything she put Danna through, as well as the others. Still, it could be frustrating at times when Nova stretched to be nice to the other girl and have it thrown back in her face with a snarky comment. At least now, Nova felt as if Danna was finally starting to accept Nova’s apology, and they could hold a civil conversation when left alone.

“Have you tried talking to him?” Ruby questioned, ignoring Danna’s comment. Nova rolled over onto her stomach to peek down at them from her spot on top of one of the twin’s beds.

“No.” Nova groaned, sitting up and draping her legs over the mini wall on the bunk bed, meant to keep someone from falling off in their sleep. “I don’t care to see him right now.”

“Are you going to break up with him?” Narcissa eyed Nova over her book, a mischievous smile on her lips. Her head was resting on Danna’s lap. “That would be hilarious.”

Danna swatted at her lightly, affectionately, before going back to playing with her hair. The two had been dating for a few weeks now, and Nova was beginning to wonder if she and Adrian had been as disgustingly adorable when their relationship was official.

“No,” Nova said, almost too quickly. Danna snorted. “I don’t know. Is it something worth breaking up over?” She looked down at her hands, feeling her cheeks heat up.

Three months of bliss. Apparently, that was all the world wanted Nova to have before it slapped her in the face. It had been three months since the Supernova, and things with Adrian were going fine until last Saturday night when Nova had gone over to watch a movie. It had been a long day for both of them; along with the other Renegades, they were trying to install more independence among the citizens. Now that everyone in the world was a prodigy, more and more people were beginning to see that they didn’t need the Renegades to protect them and do everything for them, and the Renegades, much to Nova’s relief, believed the same thing. It was a lot of work, undoing the system the Renegades had crafted, but Nova enjoyed it.

Well, she enjoyed most of it, save the media attention she was getting. A lot of people didn’t know what to think of her, the girl who was one of the most wanted criminals in the city and who was now what they deemed a “good guy” that was dating Gatlon’s golden boy. They wanted to know more about her, and that meant having cameras and reporters constantly in her face whenever she left her apartment. Nova was sick of it, to say the least. And some magazines were starting to catch on, based off of what they were now writing about her and how she had a snippy attitude and a mean composure. Fine. Whatever. She didn’t need a couple of journalists defining who she was.

Adrian always tried to comfort her whenever a new story came out, but it never really worked. She could tell he felt bad for her, but what was he to do? He grew up in the spotlight. She grew up in the subway tunnels. He just...didn’t understand.

When she had been at his house the weekend before, they had been somewhat paying attention to the movie until Nova got up to use the bathroom. After she got out, Adrian was not on his couch anymore. Figuring he must’ve gone upstairs for more snacks, she had grabbed the empty popcorn bowl and headed up to help him out. But then she paused before she walked into the kitchen, hearing voices. It was a habit, something she needed to break, and she wouldn’t have kept eavesdropping if she hadn’t heard her name mentioned.

“...need to keep her in line for this interview, Adrian.” She had recognized Hugh’s voice immediately. Like with Danna, Nova and Adrian’s father had an awkward relationship. While he was surprisingly okay with her dating his son, Nova could tell he was still cautious around her, as if she might break at any moment if someone said the wrong thing. “You know how she gets sometimes, and we can’t have her saying too much.” His tone was light, joking. Nova grit her teeth all the same.

“Saying too much?” Nova had leaned in closer, pressing her ear against the door when she heard Adrian’s voice.

“He means something inappropriate or uncalled for.” She remembered deflating at Simon’s words; she had thought that between Adrian’s parents, Simon was actually warming up to her. Clearly, that wasn’t the case. “She wasn’t exactly raised in a proper environment and doesn’t know proper manners. You know we like Nova, but once she opens her mouth…”

This conversation kept going for a few minutes, and with every second that passed, the sour taste on Nova’s tongue got stronger and stronger. Nova and Sketch’s team had an interview with a major television show in a few weeks that Nova was not looking forward to, but was doing it for Adrian’s sake. It would be their first appearance on a larger platform other than newspapers and magazines following the Supernova, and Nova’s first serious interview. Bleh. Hugh and Simon must’ve been referring to the recent news about her; why else would they have a private conversation with their son? She wasn’t so much as annoyed at the fact that they spoke of her like she was a brash child. No, what hurt was the fact that in the few minutes Nova listened to the conversation, not once did she hear Adrian speak up for her.

“Well, what did he say when you found out?” Nova jolted her head up, blinking at Ruby as her mind shifted back to the present.

Nova shrugged. “I walked into the kitchen and told him I had to go. I was already out the door before he could say anything.” She let out a slow sigh. “I’m just upset that he didn’t even defend me. I don’t give a rat’s ass what Simon or Hugh think of me, but isn’t Adrian supposed to be on my side for things like this?” She truly felt stupid for having this conversation. Silly, even. Her problems weren’t supposed to be about trivial things like this. Never in her nearly seventeen years of life would Nova had thought that she would ever have girl talk with girls her age, either. It was all just ridiculous.

“His parents insulting you based on a bias?” Ruby scrunched her nose up. “Yeah. He should’ve said something, but have you considered the possibility that maybe he didn’t get the chance?”

Nova picked at her cuticles; it was a new bad habit she got herself into when she was stressed. “I listened to their conversation for a good five minutes. Adrian had plenty of time to interrupt them.”

The room was silent for a few minutes. Outside the door, Nova could hear Ruby’s brothers horse-playing. She could smell whatever meal her mom was making for dinner.

“Well, Nova,” Danna reclined back to rest against the wall, “I’ve known Adrian longer than Ruby, but I think we both know that Adrian would never hurt you on purpose or go behind your back. We’ve seen the way he looks at you, and while it makes me gag,” the edges of her lips curled up, “he’s afraid of losing you.”

“What are you saying? That I should just forget about it and move on?” Nova huffed, crossing her arms.

“At least go talk to him. Explain why you’re hurt. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Nova wished it were that simple.

__________

It was Thursday morning, and Nova had yet to take Danna’s advice. She didn’t want to admit it out loud, but she was nervous at the thought of confronting her boyfriend. What if she had overreacted and he now thought she was being irrational? What if she had waited too long and now Adrian didn’t want to see her?

She tried to block out her negative thoughts in the Training Hall with Ruby, where she had suggested they work out together that morning. Now, mid morning, they were running laps around the track. Nova was finally beginning to get lost in her element when she noticed two people walking towards them. Oscar and Adrian.

From beside her, Ruby placed a hand on Nova’s arm and slowed both of them down. She waved at the two boys, a bright smile lighting up her face at the sight of her boyfriend. Nova’s eyes widened, and she pried Ruby’s fingers off of her.

“What?” Ruby raised an eyebrow. “I thought you made up with him already.” When Nova shook her head, lips pressed tightly together, Ruby rolled her eyes. “Well, now’s the time to do it. Come on.” With no other way out, Nova let Ruby lead her off the track to meet the boys. Adrian eyed her cautiously, to which she responded with a glare. He averted his gaze immediately, clearly embarrassed, but it didn’t stop him from glancing over her body. She crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly self conscious about the fact that she had discarded her shirt earlier and was now left in only a sports bra and leggings, both drenched in sweat. She looked disgusting to say the least, and it wasn’t how she wanted Adrian seeing her. Not that she cared, of course.

Ruby greeted Oscar with a hug, and he pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Oh, I completely forgot to mention this.” Ruby turned back to Nova and hit the palm of her hand to her forehead softly. “Oscar and I made plans for brunch today. Do you guys want to join?”

Nova plastered a thin smile to her lips, answering for herself and Adrian before he could even open his mouth. “No, thank you. I want to get in a few more miles before leaving. You guys have fun, though.”

Ruby narrowed her eyes at Nova, as if she was saying “Really?” but Nova pretended she didn’t see it. She waved goodbye to the two of them and turned around, starting up her jog again. She ran for a good twenty feet before she heard Adrian’s voice from behind her, getting louder.

“Nova! Hey, wait up!”

Groaning, Nova stopped again. She wasn’t going to get out of this, obviously, so she waited for Adrian to catch up to her until she spoke. “What?”

He flinched at the harsh tone in her voice, the movement so subtle Nova almost missed it. She bit the inside of her cheek. “You haven’t been answering my messages.” It was true; she hadn’t been. He had sent a few since Saturday, but Nova hadn’t bothered checking to see what they said. She had been too frustrated to care about his apologies.

“I’ve been busy,” she replied, pursing her lips. “Sorry that I don’t have proper etiquette in communication. It was how I was raised, you know.”

Adrian squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before opening them back up. “Listen, about Saturday, can you please let me explain?”

Nova stepped off the track so that she wouldn’t be in the way of other runners. “Explain what? Because from my understanding, you let your dads insult the only family I knew for ten years. No, they weren’t perfect,” she let out a harsh laugh, “but they tried. Honey and Leroy and Winston, at least. Ingrid at times when she was in a good mood.”

“Were you seriously that offended?” Adrian took a step back. “Because they manipulated you, Nova. I understand that Leroy is a better person now, but for the rest of them, well,” he shook his head, “I’m not even going to say anything.”

“Just like on Saturday?” She cocked her head to the side. “I don’t give a shit what your dads think of me, okay, Everhart? I do care about what you think of me, though, and if you see me as some uncontrollable toddler who can’t keep her mouth shut like Hugh does, then why are we even together?” The last bit stung her as much as Adrian. Once the words left her mouth, she instantly regretted them, but it was too late now. So she huffed and looked up at him expectantly.

Nova noticed how people slowed their stride when they passed by the arguing couple, eager for whatever gossip they could get. No doubt word would get out to the press, and Nova’s mood would sour more.

“Nova, you know I don’t think of you like that, not even in the slightest.” He reached a hand forward, placing it on her arm. She shrugged it off.

“Then why,” she asked quietly, looking down, “didn’t you defend me? I sat there for five minutes listening to your dads talk to you, and not once did you speak up. Are you afraid that I’m going to embarrass you in front of the entire world? Because I’m not a perfect little doll and that I come from what many people see as garbage?

“Of course not!” Adrian cried out, drawing more attention to them. He glanced around before lowering his voice. “No, Nova, you’re right. I...I should’ve said something. I wasn’t comfortable with what they were telling me but I kept my mouth shut anyway. I guess I’m just...trying to stay on their good side? Ever since they found out about the Sentinel, things haven’t been the same around the house. But that’s no excuse. You’re my girlfriend and one of the people I care the most about.”

Nova’s shoulders relaxed, but only slightly. She hadn’t really noticed how things may have changed around the Everhart-Westwood household, but she wouldn’t be surprised if they had.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Adrian murmured, daring to reach out again and pull her closer by her hips. Nerves spiked through her body at the nickname; he had used it a few times before, teasingly, because he knew it annoyed her. What he didn’t know was the effect it had on her, despite her holding a grudge against it. “I was an idiot.”

Nova’s leg bounced nervously, her eyes not meeting Adrian’s. How could she stay upset with him? She knew he was actually sorry and not just saying it to appease her; that’s just how Adrian was.

“I accept your apology.” She sighed, placing a hand on his outstretched arm. “I’m sorry too...for overreacting. I just…” She peeked up at him. “Sometimes these articles get to me, you know? They put it in my head that I’m not good enough for you because of who I am and where I came from, and then I have to hear the same things from your dads, and I was hurt that you said nothing. I-I know that I can act without thinking sometimes, and say things that I don’t mean, but I can’t stand other people berating me for it.”

Adrian took both of her hands and laced their fingers together. “Those articles are full of bullshit. Nova, one of the things that I love most about you is that you’re not afraid to speak your mind and you’re not afraid to act on something immediately. Your stubbornness and bold composure make you you.” His lips quirked up. “Not to mention, it’s kind of hot.”

Nova had to laugh at that, her first real smile in days breaking out on her face. “Thank you,” she mumbled.

“No more secrets anymore, right?” He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Please come to me sooner when I make a mistake so we can talk about it. I can’t stand you being upset with me.”

“Okay.” Nova nodded, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck to hug him. “Just as long as you do the same. Going five days without you has sucked ass.”

“It’s a deal.”

#supernova spoilers #nova artino #Adrian everhart #danna bell #Oscar silva #ruby tucker #renegades #archenemies #supernova #my writing #nodrian #sighhhhhhhhhhh

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jungnoir · 7 years ago

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You saw me reading the same book you are and now we are arguing about the motives of the antagonist w/ Wonwoo? this is so him

morning routine;

jeon wonwoo | “You saw me reading the same book you are and now we are arguing about the motives of the antagonist.” | 2k words. | humor, fluff.

Wonwoo’s days often went like this: He would get on the subway at 8, read a book, arrive to the city by 8:30, then go to work at the bookstore that he’d been working at since his high school graduation at 9:15. Sometimes he would get on earlier in hopes that he could spend more time reading, but on those days he couldn’t be assed to deny himself that last half hour of sleep, he would stick to the 8 o’clock schedule without fault.

Your days often went like this: You would get on the subway at 8, arrive to the city by 8:30, then wander aimlessly around the city while collecting inspiration for your writing blog. You were a bit of an amateur writer, posting small snippets and prompts to the internet for the world to see. Any ideas that came to your mind ended up there, and you had received quite some praise for your innovative ideas. You enjoyed the love, but you were always striving for more. That meant that if you were going to finally write that breakout novel you always wanted, you were going to have to get started while you still had as much free time as you did. Being a professional book editor was fun and all, but you often dreamed of the day you would be asking someone to do the same for you.

Despite the fact that your schedules matched up perfectly, you had never met.

Whether standing at opposite sides of the subway car or one standing and the other sitting, you two had never crossed paths. Call it the universe’s uncanny timing that the one day you actually do cross paths, he’s holding a book you know all too well. After all, you edited it.

Your eyes sparkle a bit in pride as you examine the boy from head to toe: russet brown hair that curls at the ends around his brows, pronounced nose, rosy tinted lips that pucker, twist, and get gnawed on while he reads. His choice of outfit is a heavily hanging black sweater bunched up at the elbows and jeans that are identically colored. The legs of his pants disappear into a pair of classic black converse with white laces, and you can tell one is double-knotted and the other is not. His full backpack pushes him further away from the back of his seat and, from what you can see poking the fabric at a sharp angle, the contents are even more books. You start to like this mystery boy without even knowing a thing.

The car makes a stop some four minutes later and the old man who was sitting next to the stranger gets up to leave, an empty spot just begging for someone to take it. You make it to the seat before someone else your age can take it, happily trading the handle you were clinging onto for dear life in favor of the seat. The boy doesn’t even flinch.

You watch him read for a few moments before the excitement gets the best of you, “I love that book.”

The boy flinches, evidence clear in his expression that he hadn’t even noticed his last partner getting up and leaving or you swiftly taking his place. You gazes at you in a daze before smiling shortly, “Ah, really? It’s one of my favorites. No matter how many times I’ve read it, when I start it again I just can’t put it down.”

Your grin widens, and while you know you should just leave him to get back to peacefully reading (who knows? maybe this was the only time he got to even settle down during his day), you’re itching to ask him about it. There were seldom chances like these where you saw people reading books you edited, and even less so chances for you to converse with them about it. “I was like that too when I first read it. Who are your favorite characters?”

He blinks, a little surprised you’re still talking to him even after he’s clearly turned away in favor of finishing his book. Regardless, he entertains you, “Ritch and Stenciler.”

“Me too! Though, I have a soft spot for Carolina,” in your head you can picture him saying I don’t care, but if he’s thinking it, it doesn’t show, “people get on her for being selfish sometimes, but I love how realistically the author portrays her. She’s neither totally perfect nor totally evil. She just is.”

The boy seems to light up all of a sudden, and for the first time since you started talking, he actually looks less interested in the book. He gently sets it on his leg and turns to you, “God, you don’t know how happy I am to finally talk to someone who doesn’t completely hate her guts. It gets really annoying hearing the same old criticisms for her character. It’s like everyone got together and just agreed on that one thing to say about her forever.”

It’s probably silly how quickly you begin to warm up to the stranger, but you feel an almost kindred spirit in him. “I’m (Y/N).” You introduce yourself and hold out a hand, that of which he shakes with a soft grip and even softer smile.

“I’m Wonwoo, nice to meet you,” his eyes turn into little slits before he suddenly thinks of something, shifting his body a little more toward you, “You know, everyone always asks about favorite characters, but I never really hear people talk about their least favorite characters. Who are yours?”

Your eyes widen in surprise as you begin to think, the thought having never really occurred to you before. After a few moments of silence between the two of you, you finally think of one, “Probably Dr. Heinsel. That dude is super repulsive.”

Wonwoo’s once energetic smile melts quickly like ice over a candle flame, your heart beating faster as you start to wonder what you’d done wrong. Uh-oh, was it something I said?

“…interesting. Any explanation as to why?” His voice sounds just as welcoming as it had when you first started talking to him and you begin to run over all the logical ways the conversation could have gone this wrong so quickly. He was no longer relaxed, and once the smile left his face, he looked a bit intimidating. It was nothing like his reading face. Not by a long shot.

Clearing your throat, you straighten up too, “Well, for starters, his reasons for wanting to kill the telekinetic twins is bullshit.” “And what exactly are those reasons?”

His clipped tone rubs you the wrong way as you narrow your eyes in response, “Isn’t it obvious? He wasn’t there to save his wife and child from getting killed on that school bus all those years ago, and so of course when he finds out that there were telekinetic twins on that same bus who could’ve, in his mind, been able to stop the bus from crashing, he takes it out on them. He wants to catch them for not stopping the bus crash, but it’s not the twins’ fault for not having honed their powers yet.”

“Uh, no,” Wonwoo doesn’t even wait for you to finish, setting his book beside him as he begins to argue, “that’s not it at all. There’s clear signs throughout the book that indicate that while he was surprised to find out about them all those years after the crash, he didn’t hate them. He was curious! He only got pissed when he tried to get in touch with them about the accident and they tried to swipe his money off him. I mean, how would you feel knowing the only survivors of a deadly crash that took the lives of your family away were telekinetic? They saved their own lives and he just wanted to know how. He had nothing against them until he realized they were using their powers for wrong.”

“They were orphans!” Your voice raises some but Wonwoo doesn’t even flinch, though his nostrils flare a bit, “I’m sorry, “wrong”? They stole food and to live, stole jewelry to sell so that they could keep a warm roof over their heads.”

Wonwoo scoffs, “Oh, so you call chapter five, where the brother steals a purse off an old lady, justified?”

“It’s moral conflict!”

“It’s delinquent behavior!”

“So you’re telling me if you were telekinetic, starving, kicked out from every orphanage you were in because you were constantly being hassled by the media and insane theorists who wanted to know why you managed to survive a heavily fatal bus crash, and had a twin sister you had to take care of because your parents were killed in that same bus crash, you wouldn’t steal from anyone you could to keep the both of you alive?”

“Uh, yeah!”

“What would you do then?”

“I’m freaking telekinetic! I could be a magician, a professional weight-lifter, a surfer- I don’t know!”

“Oh-ho-ho, that’s rich.”

“Do you think the people they stole from didn’t have people to protect and provide for too? Honestly, I’m pretty sure half the people they stole from were only slightly better off than them, and not by much.”

“So that justifies a guy wanting to capture and experiment on them for “the betterment of mankind”, then?”

“No! I just- look, all I’m saying is he wasn’t after them for being literal children and not preventing a bus crash that they too lost family in. He was after them because he felt they were only going to escalate in behavior, which was a very bad call on his part. He was far too aggressive, far too obsessed with picking apart their powers and finding out how they did what they did and in the end it turned him into the antagonist. The guy freaking sucks and I don’t hate the twins for what they had to do, but you have to admit that there was more to his reasoning than just that.”

A ding sounds through the car and you finally tear your heated gaze from Wonwoo’s to look around. With delayed recognition, you notice that you had since arrived at your stop.

You feel a tug in your chest when you realize that this meant you wouldn’t even be able to finish the conversation, wouldn’t be able to discuss the inner workings of the mind the antagonist had in further detail. You wouldn’t even be able to tell him that you had edited that book, that you had spent countless hours considering the motives with the author herself and had drawn that conclusion in the end… granted, on your own.

However, that tug ceases when he stands, face morphing from the irritated expression he’d displayed while arguing with you to a pretty neutral (almost… regretful?) look. He grabs hold of the bar next to your seat and bites his lip, “This is my stop…”

“It’s mine too.”

You stand and grab the same bar, the two of you unable to break eye contact for some time. Then comes his rushed question as the doors nearby open to spill the people riding out of the car, “Where ya headed?”

“Nowhere,” you say breathlessly, and when he begins to back out of the car, you follow mindlessly, “and you?”

“I’m due for work at the Pledis bookstore in the city in,” he glances at the watch on his wrist before looking back at you, “37 minutes. There’s a coffee place inside it, if you wanna head there with me and finish our discussion… that is, if you don’t seriously detest me after that rant of mine.”

You follow him out onto the platform like a moth to a flame, that once building sorrow about possibly losing this enticing stranger forever dissipating with the promise of coffee and maybe more. His blushing cheeks look rather adorable even under the ugly fluorescent lights of the subway station, a feat you have to applaud him for. “You kidding me?” You shoot him a tiny smirk, walking up to his side, “your rant was cute at best. You’ll be crying by the time I get enough coffee and rage built up inside of me to tear you a new one.”

Wonwoo’s eyebrows raise with the challenge and almost like a light bulb goes off in your head, you feel like you might just have a muse for that breakout novel of yours.

#write-svt #wonwoo scenarios #wonwoo imagines #wonwoo drabble #jeon wonwoo #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #seventeen drabbles #seventeen #majwrites #sbmusings #this fake argument was so funny to write

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bellafragolina · 2 years ago

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*rubs my silly little hands together* it's angsty fluff time baby!!!

👏😏

The day the undead walked the earth would certainly be one for the record books- if the world ever managed to recover from its devastating plague, that is.

The Subway Bosses, with their quick thinking, converted Gear Station into a safe haven for survivors they came across during their routine patrols.

Pokemon seemed unaffected by the virus, thank Arceus. Although, the discovery was a double edged sword. Trainers that succumb to the virus inevitably attacked their once beloved partners in a blind rage, but never consumed them as they had with humans.

The twin conductors lived day-to-day in dread, fearing that you had become a victim to the undead as you'd never answer their calls- or heaven forbid that you'd been turned.

Other survivors expressed empathy to the brothers about their own lost loved ones. Emmet would harshly correct them; you were out there, alive and safe! You would come back to them, no doubt about it. Ingo did not feel the same.

Oh, how he prayed for your safe return, to hear your voice over the phone when you called him to inform them of your well-being. But alas, days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months and so on. Only their Pokémon and the fantasy of reuniting with you fueled their engines.

In the midst of their sweep for survivors on the surface, accompanied by a handful of other survivors from their safe haven along with their Pokémon, the group failed to retreat for a horde of undead in time.

Many were tackled to the ground and ripped apart as their partners struggled to defend them. The Subway Bosses anticipated their lives were about to come to an end, but were stunned silent witnessing a different figure run at lightning speeds and maul fellow zombies that got too close to the men.

Haxorus and Garbodor readied themselves for a fight, moving in front of their trainers protectively. That attack, however, never came.

Many rotting bodies laid motionless on the concrete, the fast, undead figure from before halting its actions in order to tilt its head and stare at the unnerved twins. Tears immediately sprung to their mercury eyes- though its face lacked an eye, and the left side of its cheek was torn off, showing the inside of its mouth, they recognized the zombie.

You. It was you.

Their hearts shattered at the sight of your disheveled form. On one hand, they were thrilled to see you again. On the other hand... they wept, imagining you by your lonesome, becoming an undead's prey, then having no choice but to slowly watch yourself die and change into one of those... things.

And now- you stood before your lovers, your one eye glaring right through their souls.

Without warning, you lunged at the brothers, dominant hand ready to strike. They screwed their eyes shut, not wishing their final moments alive to see you in such a way.

Your animalistic screech mixed with a similar sounding growl spooked them. Emmet dared to crack one eye open to assess the situation. He glanced behind him and gasped.

You hadn't been aiming for him or his brother, but instead a zombie that crept up behind them while they were distracted. You violently ripped off its limbs, snatched up a hunting knife a survivor dropped, then stabbed the blade through the undead's skull, killing it.

Ingo spectated the scene. Why were you attacking your own kind? He despised himself for associating your likeness to such vile creatures, regardless if you were one of them now.

You continued to shred any zombie in sight to pieces, never opting to harm the Subway Bosses. Once the area was clear of danger, thanks to your efforts(?), the silver haired men cautiously approached you.

Emmet was the first to call you by name, seeing you respond so quickly by snapping your head in his direction gave him mixed emotions. Ingo wondered aloud if you remembered them, speaking to you as if you were still human.

They inched closer, yet did so carefully, acting like a human in the presence of a wild animal. But again, you never made any moves indicating hostility towards them. Somehow, you were still conscious, not as completely overtaken by the virus as most victims they encountered.

They subsequently returned to Gear Station with you following suit, as they deemed you passive in regards to humans and Pokemon alike.

Haxorus and Garbodor insisted you walk behind them, separating you from their trainers in case you suddenly decided to pounce. You, along with aforementioned pokemon, were instructed to wait outside the safe haven, to which you obeyed.

From then on, you became Gear Station's 'guard zombie' as you tore apart any unwanted guests that shambled into the underground. You didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't sleep. Just stood or sat near Emmet and Ingo.

Your partners protected you just as you protected them, defending you from humans that insisted you were a threat that must be disposed of. Sometimes, they'd cling to you, uncaring of the blood that stained your ratty clothes or missing sections of flesh, sobbing and apologizing profusely for not being able to save you, how they're terrible lovers.

They always looked at you with an emotion you couldn't understand. Whenever they held you close and whispered bittersweet things, you would try to copy them- wrapping your arms around their bodies in response. The first time you did this resulted in hysterics, the twins' anguished crying echoing down the tunnels.

You would pat or rub the top of their heads, hold their hands, lean against them, or hug them. Anything that could effectively wipe the grim expression off their faces.

Emmet and Ingo swore to keep you safe this time around, hoping for a cure to end this madness once and for all. They vowed to change you back, even if it cost them their lives.

*lies weeping on the ground*

i am hurting but it's so good, this is so so good. you write so good i love this so much. are you thinking of continuing? you've made a perfect ending to either leave as is or continue with more! whichever you decide, thank you for this wonderfulness. i love it so so much.

~Renee (*still weeping*)

#zombie #zombies #ingo and emmet #i am so sorry but this is so good #y'all look at how good this is #thank you so much love

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rauliskafan · 7 years ago

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A Hard Lesson in History: Chapter 2

Authors’ Note: Happy Saturday, stunning readers!!! @vintagemichelle91 and I were blown away by all the great comments and likes from new readers last night!!! You guys are all amazing!!! Time to catch up with Rafael and the squad in Chapter 2!!! Enjoy!!! :)

The route was familiar. Along with the routine. Waking to shower, Rafael slipped into the perfectly coordinated three-piece suit that Violetta had helped him select the night before. Her eye for fashion almost rivaled her mother’s until they reached the pocket square. But he had no desire to shatter his muñequita’s happy heart when she seemed that proud of herself. So bright orange with charcoal grey it was.

“Back in action, huh?”

Kissing everyone goodbye, he glanced back one last time to see Natalia’s reassuring wave while she held Hazel and rocked Holly’s bassinet, looking as if there was nothing on heaven or earth that she could not conquer. Somehow Violetta smiled and stood ready and willing if not entirely able to be of aid. On that note, Rafael stepped across the threshold, opted for the subway instead of a cab now that there were two more mouths to feed, and ultimately left the underground to face One Hogan Place. The so-called real world needed him back in the thick of too many tangled weeds. Yet, his heart hurt when he pictured Natalia cuddling the twins close as Violetta and Harold snuggled into her other side, and he wished that he was still home with them.

“Am I right, counselor?”

Rolling his eyes at Carisi, Rafael managed to nod and accepted the friendly pat on the back as he entered his office to find Liv also waiting with Fin.

“I hear congratulations of all kinds are in order,” Rafael said, shaking Fin’s hand. “Sergeant Tutuola.”

Beaming, Fin stood a little taller.

“Long time coming,” the former detective said. “Someone said I should have taken the test a hell of a lot sooner.”

Now it was Liv’s turn to groan.

“Someone didn’t want to play politics,” she reminded him.

“Plus, a certain ballerina might not have found her Prince Charming,” Carisi interjected. To that Rafael had no witty retort, his mind running over the twists of fate needed to bring Maggie and Dodds together and so much more. Might it still have happened had Dodds existed in another orbit? Would Maggie have remained in the city long enough to discover her sister without the other sergeant’s presence? Not wanting to dwell on what might have been for any length of time, Rafael simply discarded his overcoat and sat behind his desk.

“Guessing this isn’t the easiest morning for you,” Liv said.

“I think it hit Violetta the hardest,” Rafael reflected. “She was getting used to cheesy pancakes every morning.”

“Sure it was just her?” Fin challenged.

“It’s an acquired taste,” he said. Like pineapples mingled with olives and Natalia settling for silly voices instead of songs while Violetta used Harold’s paws to sort of kind of dust the coffee table before sitting on the sofa to watch Elena of Avalor. And comment on the need for new episodes. Truth be told, the townhouse would run like a top without him. Plus his mother and Maggie promised to try to look in.

“Well I hate to hit you with this right out of the gate, but it looks like the Second Avenue Strangler struck again,” Liv said.

Any wonder why he would have rather stayed home?

“What have you got?” Rafael asked with a heavy sigh.

“Jennifer Knowles,” Carisi said as he swiped his tablet to life. “She was found early this morning. Hands bound. Hair chopped off.”

“Details not released to the press,” Fin reminded the room.

“So we’re adding her to the list,” Rafael stated sadly, familiar with the case and the carnage this as yet to be identified criminal had left in his wake.

“Maybe,” Liv said in a low voice before her speech came to a halt, and Rafael stared into her eyes.

“But?” he said. “Finish the thought, Liv. I can see your mind working overtime.”

“Nice to know that you’re not that out of practice,” she said, flipping open a file to lay out photographs of the other three victims. “Our perp has a pattern. Young women alone. Each had a little too much to drink at nearby bars---”

“Then this bastard swoops in,” Rafael said.

“And we have a suspect in custody,” Fin confirmed. Well this was news. Not sure if he could call it good with four dead women, their families torn apart. Just the idea that any of his girls might meet any kind of violent fate caused Rafael to nearly gag on this morning’s third cup of coffee. Still, if the arrest meant that the case was closed and the danger would soon be off the streets to be kept under lock and key or face a far more permanent punishment, he’d place it in the win column.

“But the problem is that Jennifer Knowles does not fit the other victims’ profiles,” Liv continued. “According to her sister, she does not drink.”

“Would not drink,” Fin said.

“And there were problems with the boyfriend,” Carisi said.

“Who’s our Romeo?” Rafael quipped, his eyes scanning the images of the victims, his gaze stopping and falling on Jennifer Knowles. Had something else, something far darker happened to her?

“David Willard,” Liv said as she showed him another photograph. “Jennifer’s boss.”

“What does he do?” Rafael asked.

“Runs an operation called Attention, Inc.,” Fin said. “You know one of these companies that tracks and mines Internet traffic so they can sell the lists.”

“Welcome to Oceania,” Rafael said, his head already starting to throb when it wasn’t even ten o’clock.

“According to Jennifer’s sister, she was about to break it off with him. He has a temper.”

“And Laura said---”

“Laura?”

“That’s the sister,” Carisi chimed in. “She thinks that Willard might have been spying on both of them.”

This piqued his interest, and Rafael felt as if a box of puzzle pieces lay tossed about his desk. Concentration and a bit of good luck would be needed to bring the image into focus...

“Have you talked to Willard?” Rafael asked.

“Rollins and I did,” Carisi said. “He seemed sad to hear of her passing.”

“Well what did you expect, Carisi? For him to break down all mea culpa and give you a daily dose of Perry Mason?”

When the twins napped and Natalia grabbed a few quick winks with Violetta in her arms and their heads cradled in his lap, Rafael had flipped to the classic courtroom drama and wished that getting the defendants to confess on the stand was truly that easy.

“Now someone’s starting to sound like his old self,” Liv said. “Think on this; Fin’s expert says that Jennifer’s hands were bound with a different brand of rope.”

“Seriously?” Rafael asked as he watched all three heads nod. “Well that’s… something. Talk to Willard again. Maybe this time invite him over to our place for tea and cookies.”

Again, he thought of Violetta having to make due with only Harold for the first time in so many afternoons.

“Cute,” Liv said, starting to leave with the others when Fin shot him a quick smile.

“Just wanted to keep you in the loop,” he said.

“And welcome you back,” Carisi commented.

“It’s like I never left,” Rafael responded, waiting until the door closed to fold his head in his hands. Liv was right. Give him a few hours and it would all seem so disgustingly normal. The victims, the violations. Even Natalia spent the better part of the previous evening running her fingers up and down his arms and telling him that even though she would miss him terribly, she fell in love with a crusader who had to get back on his horse… what else had she said? His mind melted into the memory of her kiss, and now he was on the verge of calling her. To see how she was, to hear her voice, and---

“Mr. Barba?”

Shaken from his daydream, Rafael looked up to see Eve Selby framed in his doorway. Her lips coiled into a smile as her bright blue eyes surveyed the office before focusing on his face.

“Ms. Selby,” he said, standing slowly to shake her hand. “Nice to see you. Holding down the fort?”

“Still figuring out my way around,” Eve said. “But thankfully no more deliveries meant for someone else.”

Laughing a little and feeling his cheeks flush, Rafael ushered her inside and watched her pause with her eyes fixed on his chest.

“What?” he asked.

“That’s quite the accessory,” Eve said, acknowledging the pocket square. “Is that like the new thing in Europe or something?”

“No it’s… it’s my daughter’s idea of making her Papi look pretty.”

Eve titled her head to one side and then the other.

“Well she certainly has an interesting eye,” she continued. “Bet it becomes all the rage before the season out.”

And something told him that she would know if her perfectly tailored suit was any indication.

“I’m actually kind of surprised to see you here,” Eve said.

“It is my office,” Rafael countered.

“Of course,” she said, smiling. “I just meant that… twins. It’s only been a few weeks. And you leave your wife on her own?”

“We have family dropping in,” Rafael said. “And besides, you don’t know Natalia. She…

The other ADA said nothing as he searched his mind for the perfect way to describe his hermosa flor and why he knew she was fine even as he missed her like a castaway searching for some shore, knowing that he would have to get lost in one case or another to distract himself from thinking only of her until it was time to call it a day.

“She’s what, Mr. Barba?” Eve asked. Her voice was curious as he looked to his wedding ring, twisting the gold band around his finger and picturing Natalia’s beautiful brown gaze.

“She makes everything sparkle,” Rafael said.

“I see,” Eve replied. “I’ll have to meet her sometime You make her sound pretty spectacular.”

“I speak the truth,” he said. “Is there something that I can help you with?”

“Just saying hello,” Eve said. “Maybe we can grab lunch one of these days.”

Considering the offer, he laughed a little and nodded his head.

“Possibly,” he said. “For now, I---”

“You have work to do,” she said. “Guess I’ll see you around the coffee pot, Mr. Barba.”

Patting his arm, she left him to look at the pictures again, and he picked up the image of David Willard.

“What did you do?” he muttered to himself. “And how do we take you down for it?”

#raul esparza #rafael barba #natalia barba #olivia benson #fin tutuola #dominick sonny carisi #a hard lesson series #a hard lesson in history #law and order svu #svu fanfiction

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bountyofbeads · 5 years ago

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Beautifully written essay with incredible imagery, looking at the history of Britain, comparing what's happening in British politics today. It's important to always see the long view when looking at the chaos we are seeing today.

Britain is no stranger to barriers. Today, almost all of them lie in ruins.

By Erica X Eisen | Published September 05 at 9:51 PM ET | Washington Post | Posted September 8, 2019 11:02 AM ET

The ruins of the Roman fort at Bearsden, a small town not far from Glasgow, are difficult to find, tucked as they are inside a warren of residential streets and real-estate developments that would reveal no trace of what they conceal, save the quaint allusions of their names: Roman Gardens, Roman Road, Antonine House. The archeological site itself is wedged between a street and an unassuming cluster of boxy, brown brick housing, a space that might otherwise have been paved over and converted into a parking lot. At a modest metal gate, a sign informed me that the pile of stones lying just beyond it constituted the remains of a bathhouse constructed for the garrison of soldiers who patrolled the Antonine Wall, which until its abandonment marked the northernmost border of the Roman Empire on the Isle of Britain.

Eclipsed by its southern twin — Hadrian’s Wall, which has the luck of being both better preserved and named for an emperor of greater renown — the Antonine Wall was built during the reign of Antoninus Pius beginning in 142 A.D. to fend off the Caledonian tribes: the Damnonii, the Venicones and the Taexali (whom the Roman legions never succeeded in subduing and whose collective name, by all accounts, means “the hard-footed ones,” a testament to their endurance and resolve). Time has not been kind to these fortifications, built of turf and wood mounded up over a stone base. Centuries of erosion have worn them down to a nub, so that even in the best-preserved spots, the “wall” resembles the ridged teeth of an herbivore protruding from the jawbone of the earth. In many places, the wall is really only discernible in aerial photos, where it appears as a stretch of dead grass or a slight rise.

My visit to the wall coincided with the slow yet seemingly inexorable grinding of the gears of Brexit, which amounts to nothing so much as the construction of a great wall. That process entered a chaotic phase this past week, as Prime Minister Boris Johnson expelled Conservative Party members who defied his push for a “no-deal” Brexit, lost his parliamentary majority, and pressed for early elections in October (so far, unsuccessfully). To many supporters of the wall that Johnson and his allies wish to build, the people it would keep out are barbarians at the gates, foreigners of unfamiliar custom and religion who amount to an existential threat to the state. At such times as these we would do well to remember the lesson that a visit to ancient walls teaches us: their folly.

The Antonine Wall cuts across Scotland from the Firth of Forth to the Firth of Clyde, and farther north the Romans never ventured. In fact, garrisons at the wall were in place only eight years before they retreated southward, their mission to hold out the north seen as an unwinnable battle, a conclusion that presaged the complete Roman withdrawal from Britain.

Britain is no stranger to boundaries. From Roman fortifications to medieval civic defenses, it is crisscrossed by layer upon layer of borders that have been erased, abandoned, forgotten as years and empires have moved on. Visiting these structures — typically worn down to knobbles of stray masonry — it is impossible to view them as anything but sad. On a long enough time scale, every defense becomes permeable, every hold can be breached, so that it becomes difficult to understand what borders the walls were consecrating in the first place. The remains of what were once London’s outer limits are today nestled amid a thicket of urban growth at the metropolis’s center. Not far from where weighty gates once regulated ingress and egress from the city, major motorways whir with the sound of unimpeded traffic at all hours while, below, the world’s oldest subway system snakes its way, ferrying millions of passengers each day. It is not the people crossing these bygone boundaries who are intruders; rather, it is the walls themselves that have become the intruders.

To visit ancient walls in today’s Britain — to observe their discontinuity and in many cases their complete obliteration — is to understand quite forcefully the silliness of these efforts at division. Many have been worn down gradually by the wind and the rain and then finally cut away entirely by excavators’ spades: The stones of Hadrian’s Wall, for instance, would over the centuries find their way into cowsheds, country churches, grain mills and manor houses. Humans have no greater reverence for delimitations that have lost their meaning than do the elements, merely more expedient means of disposing of them. These partially dismantled structures are testaments to the artificiality of national divisions, but also to the perspective that a remove of several centuries grants. At a time when the fires of nationalism are being stoked as a powerful force of separation, we would do well to remember the many boundaries that once seemed natural and absolute to their makers but that have since faded in relevance and crumbled into dust.

In Bearsden’s New Kilpatrick Cemetery, additional lengths of Antonine Wall have been preserved. With no indication as to where in the graveyard they were, I was obliged to walk along the winding path that goes up the slope upon whose side the cemetery has been built like an ancient text. The tall Celtic-cross gravestones carved with elaborate knotwork obscured my view until I was almost on top of the ruins: two sloped ditches, gravelike in their own way, that contain the remains of the ancient border, now no more than a shallow layer of foundation stones. Though the rest of the cemetery grounds are scrupulously tended, without so much as a fallen leaf out of place, the area around the wall has been left wild and shaggy: Dandelions poke their manes out from between the stones, and braces of foxgloves and snapdragons sprout from the edges of the pit. I doubt that many people visit these places, and if they do, I doubt very much that they come from afar, as I did, for that express purpose. More often, I imagine, someone passes by on their way somewhere else, pauses for a minute or two in mild curiosity, and moves on.

#natural history #history #political science #politics and government #brexit #uknews #uk #uk news #worldpolitics #world news #worldtraveler

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years ago

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tube thoughts vol. 1

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

(note: I may have overrated some Hollywood blockbusters, like Marvel films, at a time when I was starved of the big budget spectacle coming off a time when I hadn't much time to watch movies. After nearly 30 volumes of new & old movies plus tv shows, I would not waste time or money or overhype my enjoyment of anything mainstream & popular just because all the bells & whistles woo'd me... I hope. Hey, I even avoided seeing the first new 20tens Star Wars reboot in theaters & on home video so far. That's saying something. Maybe I restored some integrity even though I still have arguably cheesy taste.)

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"The People vs. George Lucas" *Case dismissed* 3 stars

"Flash Gordon" 1980 *Holy Joe Namath* 3 stars

"One Million Ac/Dc" *Psssss, wanna see naked pictures of your sister?* 3 stars

Jan Svankmajer "Conspirators of Pleasure" 3 stars

Kolchak The NightStalker"Horror in the Heights" *Sasquatch in disguise* 3 stars

"The Exorcist 3" starring George C. Scott and Brad Dourif *Invitation to the dance* 3 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 6* Safety and cynicism* 2 1/2 stars

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 The Secret of the Ooze" *An xl double cheese with mutated fish paste delivered to Dr. Moreau of Long Island."* 2 1/2 stars

Mark Borchardt "Coven" *Stephen King's Clerks* 2 stars

"Raw Meat" featuring Donald Pleasance *A subway Sawney Bean* 3 stars

"The Curious Dr. Humpp" *Sci fi nudie horror Prequel to a boner infomercial* 2 1/2 stars

Dario Argento's "Opera" *Puts the eye in Italian* 3 stars

"Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of MyLittle Pony" *Dignifies the derided, but do they deserve it?* 2 1/2 stars

"The Garbage Pail Kids" *"Did I do that?" Urkel. It's that level of annoying.* 1 1/2 stars

"Johnny Mnemonic" Japanese cut *Robo-dolfphin FTW! Dolph Lundgren MVP.* 3 stars

"Hellraiser: Bloodline" *Event Horizon: A New Hope* 2 stars

"Thundercrack" sexploitation* Scat on a hot tin roof* 2 stars

Kevin Smith's "Red State" *Superbad in Waco circa 1993* 3 stars

"Buckeroo Banzai" *"Leftfield entertainment"* 3 stars

Harmony Korine's "Mister Lonely" *"The Lord wants us to jump out of a plane without a parachute."* 3 stars

Star Wars 'Downfall of the Old Republic' fan edit *makes the prequels almost seem tolerable* 2 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool with surprise guest Eugene Levy Kenneth Branagh and Frank Darabont present "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein" featuring Robert Deniro as the monster between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents"The Grudge" starring Bill Pullman and Buffy *"This movie dishes out horror by the thimble full."* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

"The ABC'S of Death"'

'A Is For Apocalypse'- Nacho Vigalondo 3 stars

'B is for Bigfoot' Adrian Garcia Bogliano 2 1/2 stars

'C is for Cycle' Ernesto Diaz Espinoza 3 stars

'D is for Dogfight' Marcel Sarmiento 2 1/2 stars

'E is for Exterminate' Angela Bettis 2 stars

'F is for Fart' Noburu Iguchi 1 1/2 stars

'G is for Gravity' Andrew Traucki 1/2 a star

'H is for Hydro electric diffusion' Thom Malling 2 1/2'

'I is for Ingrown' Jorge Michel Grau 3 stars

'J is jidai geki aka samurai movie' Yudai Yamaguchi 2 stars

'K is for Klutz' Anders Morganthaler 2 stars

'L is for Libido' Timo Tjahjanto 3 stars

'M is for Miscarriage' Ti West zero stars

'N is for Nuptials' Bajong Pisanthankun 2 1/2 stars

'O is Orgasm' Bruno Forzani and Helene Cattet 2 1/2 stars

'P is for Pressure' Simon Rumley 2 stars

'Q is for Quack' Adam Wingard 1 star

'R is for Removed' Srdjan Spasojevic 3 stars

'S is for Speed' Jake West 2 stars

'T is for Toilet' Lee Hardcastle 3 stars

'U is for Unearthed' Ben Wheatley 2 1/2 stars

'V is for Vagitus' Kaare Andrews 3 stars best so far

'W is for WTF!' Jon Schnepp 2 stars'

'X is for XXL' Xavier Gens either zero or 2 1/2 stars

'Y is for Young Buck' Jason Eisner either zero or 3 stars

'Z is for Zetsumetsu aka extinction' Yoshi Nishimura 2 1/2

Masters of Horror Joe Dante's "The Screwfly Solution "*It's not nice to screw with Mother Nature* 3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Energy Eater" *Indian Giver* 2 1/2 stars

Cannon films "White of the Eye" starring David Keith *Twangy Giallo* 3 stars

Don Coscarelli's "Phantasm 2" *Yellow No. 5* 3 stars

rifftrax presents Ed Wood's "Plan 9: From Outer Space" *"Eck, shouldn't have microwaved that twinkie!"* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace "Scotch Mist" *"Sometimes you have to be a bigot to beat a bigger bigot."* 2 1/2 stars

John Carpenter's "Prince of Darkness" *Bill Nye the exorcism guy* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: "Slaves and Masters" *War of Northern Aggression* 3 stars

Don Mancini's "Curse of Chucky" *Charles Lee Ray returns to his roots. I was sort of hoping this was a direct sequel to part 3 with Bride and Seed not happening, but the reveal of the stitches and some other story elements proved otherwise. Oh, well. Nice touch with the backstory and Brad Dourif running around looking like an even creepier Tommy Wiseau in the 80s. The cameos are either a nice homage to the series or needless fan service and not knowing when to quit.* 3 stars (minus maybe half a star for the after credits sequence)

"Waterpower" xxx Jamie Gillis is The Enema Bandit *Freedom of the body... freedom of '76. This movie was brought to you by the mafia and Nathan's Hot Dogs* either zero stars or three stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater with special guest horror host Zacherly "Jakarta" a Charles Kaufman film *A noir No Reservations with a hardboiled Anthony Bourdain* 3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Spanish Moss Murders" *Stiffling dreams brings the Swamp Thing* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "City of the Living Dead" *Schlitz on tap* 2 1/2 stars

"The Golden Voyage of Sinbad" featuring the special fx of Ray Harryhausen and starring Dr. Who's Tom Baker as an evil sorcerer 3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Battle Beyond the Stars" *Luke SkyWalton* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Buffalo Rider" *like a rhinestone pachyderme* 2 stars with riffing 1 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Joe's Apartment" *Willard, the musical* 2 stars

Rob Zombie's "House of 1,000 Corpses" *Fulci's eyeball in a bag of circus peanuts lying on the floor next to Sherri Moon's Big Daddy Roth underoos* 2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 2 *A very musical edition. But yet again with the Steve Vai stalker and her queefing... ugh.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Future Force" starring David Carradine *In an age populated by retarded rent-a-cops...* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive" starring Emilio Estevez, Pat Hingle, Yeardley Smith and including the music of AC/DC *Clever premise silly execution. This crazy scenario is what we get for the trucker fad of the seventies* 2 1/2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol 3 *Jackie Gleason with a screw loose, japanese school girl mass suicide, Nazi Donald Duck, and much more* 2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Towering Alan" *the common touch* 2 1/2 stars

"Retard O Tron 2" *These moronic mix tapes are starting to wear thin on me* 2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater 25th Anniversary of "Night of the Living Dead" with special guest Tom Savini and his film "Night of the Living Dead" 1990 *You're beginning to become a badass Barb-ara* 3 stars

Masters of Horror Dario Argento's "Pelts" starring Meat Loaf and John Saxon *Slap dash and horrific* 3 stars

"Hot Dreams" 1983 xxx *has a thread of tension that elevates it* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks" *Forget grandma, protect the t.v.!* 2 1/2 stars

"Vampires Suck" *Like a creep with pointy teeth, it leers unashamedly.* zero stars

Don Coscarelli's "John Dies at the End" *sawsome awes* 3 stars

"Lost and Found Video Night: Vol. 1" 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "The Happening" *Differently dumb marky mark and doey zoey awkwardly reconnect their dead romance during pants shitting doom / cartoon revenge of the earth day* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

TV Funhouse: "Western Day" 3 stars

"Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy" *Feels more like another 90s Lorne Michaels' movie than it does everything that was great about the sketch show* 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Clive Barker's "Nightbreed" *It was a graveyard smash.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Troll 2" *a double decker baloney sandwich* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

"Edward Penishands" *on the bucket list of films for fudging weirdos like me.* 2 stars

Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna present "From Beyond" *Third eye erogenous zone* 3 stars

"Birdemic: Shock and Terror" *"Heal the world." Michael Jackson* 1 1/2 stars with riffing without riffing 1/2 a star until the actual birdemic starts and then maybe 1 star

Masters of Horror John Carpenter's "Pro Life" starring Ron Perlman 3 stars

South Park double feature ----------

"Trapped in the Closet" *The Cruise, Travolta, and Scientology jabs will sting and be relevant for a long time, probably, but the R. Kelly joke is really dated. I'd already forgotten about his whole silly closet song from 2000 whenever.* 3 stars

"Go God Go" 3 stars

-------------------------------

"Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie" *Interestingly absurd commentary on mall culture that would make a strange double feature with Romero's Dawn.* 2 stars

The Hitchhiker: Dark Wishes *Kindness with kill'em* 2 stars

Twin Peaks "Double Play" *Riposte* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Revenge is the Nuts" guest starring Isaac Hayes 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Highlander" *That sensation you're feeling is called The Quickening. Brought to you by Nestle's Quik* 3 stars

Kolchak The Night Stalker "Bad Medicine" *Chief Trance A Ho* 2 1/2 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Lifeforce" starring Steve Railsback, Peter Firth, and Patrick Stewart as a sexy bride of Dracula *Count Tesla* 3 stars

"The Last Shark" featuring Vic Morrow 2 1/2 stars

TV Carnage "Casual Fridays" 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "To Kill a Mocking Alan" *"I'm such a big head." -Alan* 3 stars

Roger Corman's "The Raven" starring Vincent Price, Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, and Jack Nicholson *Tongue in cheek and coughing up blood.* 2 1/2 stars

Masters of Horror "Sounds Like" *Watch this and for once you will sympathize with a telemarketer, believe it or not.* 3 stars

Monstervision presents: A Very Joe Bob Christmas *Rusty the mail girl and some other bimbos sing ear slaughtering Christmas carols.* "Gremlins" 3 stars

Parasite aka Mutant featuring demi moore *People who need people are the worst... worse than slimey soul sucking slugs* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Clint Howard "Ice Cream Man" 3 stars for the interview 2 for the movie

Masters of Horror "The V Word" guest starring Michael Ironside *What happened to the piss and vinegar of youth?* 3 stars

"Q, The Winged Serpent" a Larry Cohen film featuring Richard Roundtree, David Carradine, and a manic, brilliant performance by Michael Moriarty 3 stars

rifftrax presents "Prisoners of the Lost Universe" featuring John Saxon *Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor, an Imp, a Neanderthal, and a Navi....Looney Tunes meets sword and sorcery* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 without

"The Crazy Dave Tape 2" *maybe you were 12 or so and there was this older teen in the neighborhood who you thought was cool and he let you hang out with him some, but he was way too into horror movies, firecrackers, porno mags, shooting cats in the butt with b b guns,listening to metal records, popping wheelies on his dirtbike, and smoking pot? that's the kind of person who'd make this vhs mix tape* 2 stars

"Found Footage Festival: Vol 2" 3 stars

Cannon Films presents "Exterminator 2" *The Dark Knight Returns and engulfs New Jack City* 3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Devil's Platform" *Stygian lobbyist* 3 stars

Fangoria presents "Mindwarp " starring Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm *The Dig Dug Have Eyes. A MMORPG, and at risk teen PSA, for the Sega CD generation.* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'The Apes of Wrath' *We were young, we were physically fit, and we were challenging logic.* 3 stars

"42nd Street Forever" *'Golden Age of Porn' film trailers.* 3 stars

TV Carnage "A Sore for Sighted Eyes" 3 stars

Roger Corman's NEW WORLD PICTURES "The Arena" starring Pam Grier 3 stars

Masters of Horror John Landis presents "Family" starring George Wendt *A "Master of Horror" shouldn't use sketchy cgi.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Crazy Dave Tape 1" *Italians have the best weddings, kay!?* 2 stars

"The Beast that Killed Women" *Actual nudists are more scary than a guy in a gorilla suit.* 1 1/2 stars

The Asylum presents "I Am Omega" *Asylum movies are never aesthetically pleasing, but at least this one doesn't have cheap CGI ghouls. Also,it doesn't hurt that this source material has already yielded three other good movies.* 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Howling: 7 - New Moon Rising" *An Aussie Tommy Wiseau's honky tonk lycanthrope.* 1 star

Masters of Horror Richard Matheson and Tobe Hooper present their version of Ambrose Bierce's "The Damned Thing" *Black Gold* 2 1/2 stars

"American Ninja" starring Michael Dudikoff *Rebel without a set of pajamas* 3 stars

TV Carnage "A Rich Tradition of Magic" *Where's the Terrance and Phillip, buddy?* 2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Basic Alan" *That close to being infamous.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - "Viva Knievel!" *Bring me the head of Jerry Garcia!* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Godzilla vs. Monster Zero" *The visitors from Planet X are buttnoids. Crank up the Slim Whitman.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs and special guests SCTV's Count Floyd and USA UP All NIGhT's Rhonda Shear John Carpenter's "In the Mouth of Madness" *We've only just begun to live* 3 stars

rifftrax presents Star Wars: Episode 1 "The Phantom Menace" *Pod Racing belongs on ESPN 8* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Kolchak, The Nightstalker "Firefall" *Grisley Candleabra* 3 stars

"Satanis, The Devil's Mass" *If you're going to San Fran Cisco... be sure to visit the Church of Satan. They seem pretty down to earth aside from their pretentiousness.* 2 1/2 stars

"Alligator" 1980 starring Robert Forster *Police seek to punish society for their own illicit desires. / Freud. See you later, alligator. / Jung* 3 stars

X Files "One Breath" 2 1/2 stars

"Creepshow 2" *'The Raft' felt like a Junji Ito manga.* 3 stars

rifftrax presents "Breaker Breaker" starring Chuck Norris *Shanghai'd? Roundhouse! Roundhouse! Keep on truckin!* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

retard o tron mixtape vol 3 *less mtv's ridiculousness more internet retardedness* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

"Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" *Toasty! Grilled cheese.* 2 stars

rifftrax with Mike Nelson and special guest Weird Al "Jurassic Park" 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

Hammer Films "The Blood Beast Terror" *Heavy handed with the Mary Shelley* 2 1/2 stars

2EVERYTHING2TERRIBLE2 Tokyo Drift 3 stars

"Beach Babes from Beyond" starring Sylvester and Frank Stallone's mom, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez's uncle, Adam West's Robin, Burt Ward, John Travolta's brother Joey, plus Linnea Quigley *Daytona Beach, California. DUH!* 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents Patrick Swayze's "Roadhouse" a Mike Nelson solo *The pilot for John Taffer's Bar Rescue* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Buster Keaton's "The Scarecrow" *We got married in a fever* 3 stars

"Grizzly" 1976 *Why didn't they just arm everyone with grenade launchers to begin with?* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Roddy Piper "Immortal Combat" *Meg Foster as an evil dragon lady, Sony Chiba as the old dog cop with a samurai sword, Tiny Lister as a gorilla with a heart of gold, and Hot Rod himself as the happy go lucky hero, plus some goofy looking bodybuilders turned into mindless karate warriors by Mayan voodoo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Next of Kin" ozploitation *Can you hear the thunder? - Men At Work* 3 stars

"Retard-o-tron mixtape vol 1" *can't tell if they're celebrating all the 'xtreme' sports crap as cool or not* zero stars and or 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents "The Room" *Tommy Wiseau tossing around the football with Crow and Tom Servo.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

monstervision with joe bob briggs Larry Cohen's "It's Alive" *This would make Nancy Grace's brain melt and pour out of her huge nostrils.* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Dark Place" 'Skipper the Eyechild' 3 stars

The Simpsons - Trick or Treehouse - Heaven & Hell "Bart's Soul" plus "Lisa the Skeptic" *Classics* 3 stars

"Creature" featuring a pervy Klaus Kinski *This Alien ripoff even has its own Ripley rip off* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Watership Alan" *"Can you make pornography come on my tele, please?"* 3 stars

"Scream and Scream Again" Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter CUshing, Judy Dench *Deep fried BladeRunner* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 with special guest Anne Francis of "Forbidden Planet" also starring Leslie Nielson *To thine ownself be cruel* 3 stars

Georgina Spelvin "The Devil in Miss Jones" *She sauntered through the mist unshackled by her veil.* 3 stars

The Hitchhiker "When Morning Comes" 3 stars

Twin Peaks "Checkmate" *Great monolouge at DEAD DOG by Michael Parks about Agent Cooper and the trippy bizarre ending saved the episode* 3 stars

Luis Bunuel's "The Young One" *Sorghum sweet* 3 stars

"Run! Bitch Run!" *Syfy presents Rube Zombie's "RapeNado: The Revenge"* 1 star

Roger Corman's "Swamp Women" *Dirty, desperate dames.* 3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Unseen" *Creepy incest brother sister upstairs, mongoloid manbaby killer in the cellar, Guess Jeans / Vagisil model houseguest victims* 2 1/2 stars

X Files "3" *Gen X blood fetishes are Xtremely pretentious.* 2 1/2 stars

Pee Wee's pick "Nurse Nancy" xxx *not worth going to jail over, but i support pee wee and his pee pee.* 2 stars

Ken Russell's film of "The Devils" 3 stars

Udo Kier in "Spermula" *nookie kryptonite* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Future Hunters" *The liquid metal terminator was in a Fillipino ripoff of MadMax / Raiders of the Lost Ark / Enter the Dragon / Rambo / Die Hard / Return of the Jedi / Treasure Island / Amazon Women / and Terminator before he was even in James Cameron's T2.* 3 stars

"Hotel Paradise" *The loins of liberty.* 3 stars

John Holmes as Johnny Wadd in "Blonde Fire" 2 1/2 stars

Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon" *History is made by the scoundrels.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool with a special guest hollywood workout instructor and the feature film "Conan the Barbarian" *Fitness fads for yuppies from the Ally McBeal & Friends era adds nothing to the experience of trying to watch a sword and sorcery adventure movie. TNT stinks.* 3 stars for the movie zero for the TNT stuff

"Meatballs 3: Rudy's Big Challenge" special appearance by a younger Shannon Tweed *every time a bell rings a nerd pops his cherry. ding a ling* 2 1/2 stars

Roger Corman presents "Suburbia" a film by Penelope spheeris *"Have you hugged your kid, today?" Flea* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs "The Road Warrior" *Wheeling in a wasteland wonderland* 3 stars

Jules Verne's "The Mysterious Island" special FX by Ray Haryhausen 3 stars

David Cronenberg's "The Fly" *Brilliant bug out* 3 stars

Russell Simmons presents Abel Ferrara's "The Addiction" *Hip half-dead histrionics* 1/2 a star

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Children of the Corn 2 "The Final Sacrifice" *Corn nut children's cult, contaminated corn crop conspiracy, cantakerous old crows, corny cgi.* 2 stars

Mario Bava's "Planet of Vampires" *Feels like a similar universe to Prometheus and Alien.* 3 stars

"The Monkey Hu$tle" *Pot meat and greens* 2 1/2 stars

Amber Lynn in "Amber Aroused" *That weird period of time after Return of the Jedi when R2 palled around with Ron Jeremy.* 3 stars

"Maniac" 1934 *billy goat curse* 3 stars

John Carpenter presents "Bodybags" *The Gas Station 2 1/2 stars Hair 2 1/2 stars Eye 3 stars*

"Five Bloody Graves" *fatalist western* 2 1/2 stars

USA UP ALL NIGHT with Rhonda shear plus 90s commercials "Shocker" *Charles Lee Ray The Lawnmower Man on Elm Street walks The Green Mile* 1 1/2 stars

"Nightmare Beach" starring John Saxon and Michael Parks *Scorcher* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'Hell Hath Fury' *A punch and judy* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Alan Attraction" *You're sacked* 3 stars

MST3K presents "Quest of the Delta Knights" *Davinci Archimede gobbledy* 2 STARS with spoofing 1 1/2 without

John Waters' "Polyester" *Odorous* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies" *A big creepy house is not a home without a few demonic munchkins running about.* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks "The Black Widow" 2 1/2 stars

"The Devonsville Terror" featuring Donald Pleasance *Pilgrims' Unrest* 3 stars

Shannon Tweed in "Nightfire" *Horses, hot-tubs, and handguns.* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Circus" *Jaundiced critique of bonafide mystique.* 3 stars

John Carpenter's "Vampires" featuring James Woods as your Peter Cushing Van Helsing type, a pudgy Danny Baldwin as his hung over looking assistant, and Laura Palmer as a Lucy Westerena 3 stars

"Shakes, The Clown" *There's a tear in my beer. It's called Pathos.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Embrace of the Vampire" *Coffee house Bram Stoker. Bit more sweet than bitter* starring Alyssa Milano and the guy from Spandau Ballet 2 stars

Troma's "Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy" *"The bored slowdance of those who've done everything"* 1 1/2 stars

The Hitchhiker "Best Shot" *Jackass yuppies* 3 stars

"The Blob" 80s remake *Gives Carpenter's "The Thing" a run for its money.* 3 stars

Dr. Who *fourth doctor* "The Sontaran Experiment" *Humpty Dumpty's Empire had a great fall.* 3 stars

"Hell High" 1989 *When green sliming someone goes horribly wrong.* 3 stars

rifftrax "reefer madness" *smoke pot just once and you'll wind up on trial for MURDER!* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Fred Olen Ray's "Dinosaur Island" *topless cave chicks, hot springs hot tubs, & T-Rex terror* 3 stars

"Flash Fire" starring Tom Skerritt *Slow burner about watching your dream go up in smoke.* 3 stars

"Nude for Satan" *Hotel Californication* 1 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Friday the 13th: Part 6 "Jason Lives" *A strawberry jelly donut with the filling sucked out by vampire censors.* 2 1/2 stars

Commander UsA's Groovie Movies "Blade Master" starring Miles O'Keeffe aka Tarzan as Ator *Stone Age Man say NO NUKES!* 1 1/2 stars

Troma's "War" *LOST meets Rambo meets SouthPark* 3 stars

"Kongo" 1932 *Fiendin' for bad juju* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Tobe Hooper's "Funhouse" *Why buy the (2-headed) cow (a wedding ring) when you can get the milk (and nookie) fer free?* 3 stars

Mermaid Man, Ernest Borgnine and The Crow, Brandon Lee team up for "Laser Mission" *Easy going espionage* 2 stars

Marilyn Chambers in "Behind The Green Door" 1 star up until the trippy money shot sequence and 3 stars for everything including it and after

Tales from the Crypt "Judy, You're Not Yourself Today." *Witchy Wife Swap* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Gene Roddenberry's "Genesis 2" *Idiocracy of the Demolition Man in Futurama* 2 1/2 stars

X Files "Ascension" guest starring Steve Railsback 3 stars

Udo Kier in "Mark of the Devil" *Stupid Superstition* 3 stars

Rifftrax "Wickerman" remake *Un-Cage'd WOMYN of Silent Hill... erm Isle.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Stuart Gordon's "Fortress" starring Christopher Lambert & Kurtwood Smith *Andy Duframe is preggers with an Apple I-baby.* 3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "Getting into Heaven" 2 1/2 stars

"Equinox" 1970 *Classic monster movie FX hootenanny and middle finger to SYFY.* 3 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert stack *Fat, invalid husband's embezzling wife vanishes with kids, suspect son's mom murdered in car at carson city casino, custody dispute and walmart disappearance, crazy canadian's strange death in states, shot on a desolate road by mysterious man in a black pickup truck, kroq confess your crime joke segment goes horribly wrong with a grim call in that turns out to be a big hoax, reconstructing the image of a long dead jane doe murder victim* 2 stars

"Deranged" *Folksy necromancy* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "A Room with an Alan" *The original Stephen Colbert character.* 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Bikini Airways" *The Skanky Skies* 2 stars

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Once Upon a Beginning *"The most significant televidual event since Quantum Leap."* 3 stars

Director's Cut of Highlander 2 "The Quickening" *A unicorn with a flying v guitar around its neck and its ass hanging out the back of a Hummer stretch limo teetering over the edge of a volcano and shitting half digested Ben Franklin(S).* 1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Bad Biology" *Imagine Georgia O'Keefe scissoring Slim Shady, Wu Tang's ODB, Biz Markie, and Eazy E.* 3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Psychotronic Man" *Floyd 'The Barber' gets all Criss Angel 'Mindfreak.'* 1/2 a star

Joe Bob's Summer School *Advanced Primate Studies* "Escape from the Planet of the Apes" *Joe Bob's theory on the proliferation of dumb people, by studying them at walmart, being an evolutionary necessity might have influenced Mike Judge a little in making his movie "Idiocracy."* 2 1/2 stars... needs more apes

"Gator Bait" *Red on the head, fire in the (w)hole.* 3 stars

"TUrkey Shoot" starring Steve Railsback *So-ciety, yer spiteful, indeed.* 3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Forbidden World" *Dingwhopper* 3 stars

Dario Argento presents "The Church" *Go now you've been set free. Like a real reptile.* 2 1/2 stars

"Night Eyes" starring Tanya Roberts and Andrew Stevens *bohunk bodyguard, voyeur, and lover.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin" *Smug George Clooney versus sardonic Mike Nelson.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"Madhouse" starring Vincent Price *Queer regret.* 3 stars

Disney's "Secrets of Pirates Inn" 2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "To Live and Die in L.A." *Angels with dirty faces.* 3 stars

Linda Blair in "Hell Night" *Hazing. Heavy petting. Horror hijinx. Haunted Mansion. Hills Have Eyes type heavies.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night "Nair WitcH" segments *Less bad 3's Company sitcom humor attempts by TNT. More hillbilly horror afficiando featuring just Joe Bob.* and the feature movie presentation "Child's Play 2" *I remember Siskel being really bothered by these movies, because the victim of all the horror was a child.* 3 stars

"Street Trash" *The rot gut and rough hewn.* 3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "Beetles" 2 1/2 stars

H. Gordon Lewis' "Scum of the Earth" *Sleazoids use blackmail to get unfortunate women to pose nekkid.* 2 1/2 stars

Mario Bava's "Hatchet for the Honeymoon" 2 1/2 stars

"Blood Beach" *Jaws wannabe with a tv movie amount of action and fx.* 2 1/2 stars

"Red Hill" *Aussie High Plains Drifter* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Fog" *John Carpenter's Sunken Starship 'We Built This City on Lepers' Gold'* 3 stars

"Caligula" *Grotesque gods of gore and genital glorification." 3 stars

Brian Depalma's "Dressed to Kill" *Hitchcock in high heels.* 3 stars

MST3K "Zombie Nightmare" starring Adam West, Thor, and Tia Carrere 3 stars with spoofing 2 without

Abel Ferrara's "China Girl" *ramen with marinara" 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Kiss" *kill your kin and live again* 3 stars

Brian Yuzna's "Bride of Re-Animator" *Arkham affordable care extends into the afterlife.* 3 stars

X Files "Duane Barry" guest starring Steve Railsback 3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney "The Ghost of Cypress Swamp" starring Vic Morrow 3 stars

"Infested" aka "Ticks" *Clint Howard, Carlton, seth Green, and one of the Bosom Buddies. Great casting. Great creature fx.* 3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Abominable Snowman" starring Forest Tucker and Peter Cushing *Ra's al Ghul not believe in yeti and no should you. capiche?* 2 stars

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" *Wayne's World with two bigger boobs.* 3 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis presents "Something Weird" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *Be square and unaware. There's no truth out there.* 1 star

Twin Peaks "Masked Ball" *David Duchovny as Denise the DEA agent.* 3 stars

"The Rapture" starring Mimi Rogers *Filling the void or avoiding the fill.* 3 stars

"cut throats nine" *Manly spaghetti westerns were often dubbed with the same silly irreverence as sissy boy animes would end up with.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Ultimate Warrior" starring Yul Brynner and Max Von Sydow *Stone Cold Mr. Clean against the tomato raiders.* 3 stars

Umberto Lenzi's "Eaten Alive" *Jonestown massacre and weenie roast.* either 3 stars or zero stars for tasteless cruelty.

"Nipples and Palm Trees" *It's Always Horny in California... and depressing" 2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "The Brides of Dracula" 3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night Hollywood Halloween in search of the "Nair Witch" segments *TNT tried to ruin Monstervision by taking Joe Bob out of the trailer park.* and the feature movie Brian Depalma's "Carrie" *John Travolta at his manprettiest saying "Git'r done"as he slaughters a pig.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Came the Dawn" *Brooke Shields is bland and boring in everything she does.* 2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Rabid" starring Marilyn Chambers *I drink your maple syrup. I eat your Canadian bacon.* 3 stars

Stuart Gordon's "The Inquisitor" starring Lance Henriksen *Mercy Me. I can only imagine." 3 stars

Doctor Who (the fourth doctor) "The Ark in Space" starring Tom Baker *Animal crackers in my celestial soup.* 3 stars

"Talk Dirty To Me One More Time" featuring Harry Reems 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs Wes Craven's "Swamp Thing" starring Adrienne Barbeau* "Run through the jungle." Creedence Clearwater Revival.* 3 stars

The Hitchiker "Secret Ingredient" 3 stars

Cannon films presents "River of Death" *Michael Dudikoff's Frank Miller style narration.* 3 stars

William Lustig's "Maniac Cop" *Introduce a little anarchy.* 3 stars

Ken Russell's "The Lair of the White Worm" *I kept expecting Dylan Moran, Simon Pegg, and The Cure to show up.* 2 1/2 stars

Todd Solondz "Happiness" *This Robert Altman shit depresses me.* either zero stars or three

Joe Bob's SummerSchool presents "Conan: The Destroyer" *Hannah Montana wants Arnold and his pecs to teach her sex, but Shaquille O'Neal has agreed to satisfy evil queen Nancy Grace's lust for virginal sacrifice. Also a big Amazon lady, an Oriental magician, the trusty imp, and this ancient horned dragon god.* 3 stars

Are you afraid of the dark? "Tale of Vampire Town" *Corey Feldman's cousin's parents try to be understanding about their son's need to cosplay and roleplay as Wesley Snipes' character Blade.* 2 1/2 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Zombi 2" *The only shelter on cursed islands is some rickety shack. Spanish explorers never fully decompose. Sharks don't like it, when a zombie is the one doing the biting.* 3 stars

Mario Bava's "Black Sunday" *Cedric the Entertainer, bo bo slayer? Tyler Perry's Black Sunday. TBS very unfunny.* 3 stars

"Humongous" *Quaint little slasher.* 3 stars

Roger Corman's "Creature from the Haunted Sea" *Clever and kooky.* 3 stars

Commander USA Groovy Movies presents (edited for tv yet still disturbing) David Cronenberg's "The Brood" featuring Oliver Reed *No more psycho trauma hatched monkeys jumping on the bed* 3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside Harlan Ellison's "Djinn, No Chaser" guest genie Kareem Abdul Jabar 1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Frankenhooker" *Hetero Dahmer with a hooker's heart of gold.* 3 stars

"Bad Boy Bubby" *more disturbing than dogtooth and just as morbidly humorous. crocodile dundee in the 4th dimension* either zero stars or 3 stars

MST3K presents "Devil Fish" *more boring than the already boring reality show Deadliest Catch.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

"Loose Screws: Screwballs 2" *Not as good as the original, but still a lot of fun.* 3 stars

Roger Corman presents "The Dunwich Horror" starring Dean Stockwell *The old ones and the young ones.* 3 stars

"The Song Remains the Same" *The concert is mesmerizing. The art film moments are interesting. The backstage footage / incidents are boring. The personal life stuff is curious and a little dull. Where are the groupies being fed to sharks and black magic rituals?* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with host Joe Bob Briggs and special guest Linnea Quigley "Return of the Living Dead" *These are the zombies that crave brains, not every zombie does that like some so called horror fans mistakenly think.* 3 stars

X Files "Sleepless" guest starring Tony Todd *Get out of my dreams. Get into my car, Agent Scully.* 3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "My Secret Life" *Like Downton Abbey with Game of Thrones amount of uncut penis.* 2 stars

"Elvira's Haunted Hills" *Crumbling castle, medieval torture, musical numbers, and cleavage comedy.* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Gangbuster's sketchy suicide, aspiring chef's breakdowns and disappearance, topless bar waitress's jealous boyfriend and disappearance, unexplained death of astate trooper possibly by killer hippies, a strange soldier's secretive business and permanent awol, a nice church lady helps her prison penpal boyfriend escape and disappear, middle aged mama's boys chizophrenic wrongly convicted and later proved innocent* 3 stars

Abel Ferrara's "Ms. 45 - Angel of Vengeance" *You say it best, when you say nothing at all.* 3 stars

Mario Bava's "Hercules in the Haunted World" with Christopher Lee as a Cthullu worshipping necromancer *Long expired eye candy.* 3 stars

"Humanoids from the Deep" featuring Vic Morrow *The horniest catch.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Frozen Ghost" starring Melissa Joan Hart *I'm cold.* 3 stars

The Hitchhiker *Hit and RUn* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Family Reunion" starring Patricia Tallman and Stephen MacHattie 3 stars

"Death Spa" *Awe, fuck this computer shit* 3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Bernie" starring Jack Black *Little pink caskets for you and me.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's SummerSchool "Pee-wee's Big Adventure "written by Phil Hartman, scored by Danny Elfman, and Directed by Tim Burton *Tex Avery would like this movie.* 3 stars

James Gunn and Llody Kaufman present "Tromeo and Juliet" 2 1/2 stars

Tom Hanks presents Tales from the Crypt "None but the Lonely Heart" starring Treat Williams 3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Screwball Academy" *A director gets to heaven. He's told he'll be making a movie. Michaelangelo will be designing the sets and Beethoven composing the score. He asks who his leading lady will be. The angel Gabriel says, "That's just thething. God has this girlfriend..."* 2 stars

Russ Meyer presents "The Immoral Mr. Teas" *Narrated by Trey Parker of South Park. You'd almost swear it.* 3 stars

"Nightmare in Badham County" *The Rifleman captures women for Mr. Brady's torture plantation. "When you die, they're going to have to beat your mouth to death with a stick."* 3 stars

Jess Franco's "Faceless" *He used to do surgery on girls in the 80s.* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks 'Dispute Between Brothers' *A green butt skunk... ACES.* 3 stars

Jeff Lieberman's "Just Before Dawn" *So picturesque, you'll be seeing double.* 3 stars

Tennessee Williams' "Baby Doll" featuring Eli Wallach *She sho grow'd up* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Beyond Thunderdome" *Elderly Beyonce exiles Bret Hitman Hart to Never Never Land.* 2 1/2 stars

"Black Roses" *Poetry loving cool teacher tries to save his students from a satanic Winger concert.* 2 stars

Ken Russell and The Who present "Tommy - A Rock Opera" *Reach out and touch faith.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Damnation Alley" *The A Team travels across the Cursed Earth.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Sword and the Sorcerer" starring Richard Lynch *Atari Game of Thrones* 3 stars

"The Sentinel" Chris Sarandon is "legion" *Who lynches the Watchmen?* 3 stars

Dial 'N' for Nikki *Crank Yankers* 1 star

Abel Ferrara's "Driller Killer" *Depraved Demo tape. hipsters worse than homeless bums* 2 1/2 stars

"The Nest" *Eccentric seaside town. Blood thirsty pest.* 3 stars

H.P. Lovecraft's "The Unnameable" *Arkham Animal House by the Cemetery* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt "The Third Pig" *Bobcat Goldthwait shrills some ryhming skills* 1 1/2 stars

Alex Cox's "Straight to Hell" *featuring some ugly actors and musicians. A young Courtney Love included. Dirty Old Town* 2 1/2 stars

"Blood Diner" featuring Sheba Jackson *In the tradition of Blood Feast* 3 stars

MST3K presents Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster" *''One time, I bit into a cold tator tot''* 3 stars with spoofing... maybe a 3 without maybe less

Dr. Who "Robot" starring 4th doctor Tom Baker *Prince Albert (Einstein) in a can.* 3 stars

"Trancers" *The time 1985. The place Los Angeles. My partner's Helen Hunt. I'm Jack Deth.* 3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "Tale of the Lunar Locusts" *Green Eyed Monster* 2 stars

Elvira presents "Killers from Space" *Hal Jordan (or was it Bruce Banner?) gets all bug eyed about space invaders and not even the smooth satisfaction of smoking can swerve him.* 1 1/2 stars

X Files "Blood" *I"m afraid of America. I'm afraid of the world. I'm afraid I can't help it.* 3 stars

"Willard" starring Bruce Davison and Ernest Borgnine *"He's an extrovert. He just shows it inside."* 3 stars

The Hitchhiker "The Miracle of Alice Ames" guest starring Joe Pantoliano *Love the sinner, for her priest is her pimp.* 3 stars

"Helter Skelter" Jeremy Davies *Taking seriously hippies taking scripture literally* 2 stars

"Race with the Devil" starring Warren Oates and Peter Fonda *I'm getting too old for this shit... Warren Oates said it before Danny Glover* 3 stars

MST3k "The Final Sacrifice" *Raiders of the Lost Moose Lodge* 2 stars, eh... with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Tales from the Darkside "Ursa Minor" 2 1/2 stars

Brass Eye "Animals" *Grinning like a possum.* 3 stars

H.G. Wells' "Island of Lost Souls" *Are we not men? Or at least beasts in khakis?* 3 stars

Roger Corman and James Cameron present "Galaxy of Terror" 3 stars

Fred Dekker's "Night of the Creeps" starring Tom Atkins *Thrilled Me* 3 stars

"The Northville Cememtery Massacre" *'Rebels with a cause' angst. you'll hate your local community. I sure as hell hate mine.* 3 stars

"Five on the Blackhand Side" *Woe is them who can not swim, Jim... A few laughs but mostly preachy and dull.* 1/2 star

"the amazing mr. no legs" *He was a terrible person/torso.* 2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Bedroom Eyes 2" featuring Wings Hauser and Linda Blair *convuluted covorting* 2 1/2 stars

Terry Zwigoff's "Crumb" *Awkward Vibrations. Voluptous fixations.* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Eve and the Handy Man" 2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "Killer Joe" *He told me I needed teachin on muh Kung Fu...question: Would you let matthew McConaughey fuck your sister if it meant he'd kill your mother?* 3 stars

brian yuzna's "society" *i wanna share this with all the sanctimonious stepford wives who were always trying to show me how SAW had something to say* 3 stars

''innocent taboo'' starring porche lynn and peter north *john oates' blood, sugar, sex, black magick. a tragedy in so many acts.* 2 stars

''curse of the queerwolf'' *mr. smallbutt never did anything like this before* 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt presents fred dekker's "lower berth" 3 stars

usa up all night with rhonda shear 'cemetery high' *softcore nudity. hardcore stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

linda blair and linnea quigley in "savage streets" *'beat it' / 'love is a battlefield' era troubled youth* 3 stars

alex cox's "repo man" *love & rockets* 3 stars

alex cox's "walker" starring ed harris 3 stars

"ironmaster" 1983 *guns don't kill people (yet) as the Ice Age is just thawing.* 3 stars

mst3 kroger corman's "the undead" *smug man's folly* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

the hitchhiker 'the legendary billy b.' starring kirstie alley, andy summers of the police, and brad dourif 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "beastmaster 2: through the portal of time" *"once, two fresh princes of tattooine stood before you" - so sayeth the spin doctors* 1 1/2 stars

''long john silver'' 1954 *sometimes them that quotes the bible have less bible in their hearts than those that don't* 2 1/2 stars

commander usa's groovie movies ''the alligator people'' featuring lon chaney jr 2 1/2 stars

"Miami COnnection" *Right there with Troll 2 and The Room* 3 stars

USA Up All Night "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" 2 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Waitress" 3 stars

USA Up All Night "Virgin High" 2 1/2 stars

"American Babylon" xxx 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Slammer Girls" 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Beach Balls" 2 1/2 stars

"Killer Workout" 3 stars

sam peckinpah's "cross of iron" *"the bitch that bore him is back in heat"* 3 stars

Joe D'Amato's "Erotic Nights of the Living Dead" *What does it say when a film with this much wang and poontang is more eerie and unsettling than most current horror attempts?* 3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Wild Malibu Weekend" *In the 90s, before internet porn videos, there was a time when hot babes in bikinis on late night cable was all a horny teenage guy needed.* 2 stars

USA Up All Night "Sweet Sugar" 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "My Boyfriend's Back" *ahead of its time horror romantic comedy* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Montenegro" 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "It! The Terror from Beyond Space" 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies "Vampire's Coffin" 1 1/2 stars

MST3k "Escape 2000" not steve railsback movie 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"Fast Food" *Jim Varney aka 'Ernest goest to' a lot of trouble to keep what should be a raunchy sex comedy pg 13.* 2 stars

Troma's "Class of Nukem High" 3 stars

"Howling 3: The Marsupials" *Takes a strange trip into Alex Haley's Roots territory.* 2 stars

Troma's "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" *They should show this in sex education class. It would stop kids from fornicating and eating fast food.* 3 stars

MST3k "Squirm" *Hicksploiting and skin-crawling.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

MST3k "Angels Revenge" *Cheap Charlie's Angels clone with exploitation movie violent action and an after school special theme of drugs are bad for the youth.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"The Night Visitor" starring Max von Sydow *meticulously nail biting* 3 stars

MST3k "Time of the Apes" "Oriental Planet of the Apes wannabe with annoying child dubbing and shoestring budget fx and entertainment value.* 1 1/2 stars with spoofing 1/2 star without

"Devil Hunter" *Bug eyed cannibal god craves tender white flesh.* 2 1/2 stars

"Voodo Black Exorcist" *Brendan Fraser's 'The Mummy' set on 'The Love Boat'* 2 stars

"Rocktober Blood" *Ugly piggy faced metal lead singer who can hold a note til it pierces flesh and can hold his victims hostage, on stage, and force them to perform with the power of Satanic Rock.* 2 1/2 stars

"Scary Movie" 1991 starring Saul Star from Deadwood *If the title is read correctly as being in quotes, then the movie is pretty much summed up. The horror isn't the horror of the killer on the loose / haunted house setting, it's the mind's breaking point producing such terrible results leading to horrific consequences.* 3 stars

"Vice Squad" featuring Wings Hauser *Out on the streets for a living.. black diamond...* 3 stars

"The Outing" *A mallrat 80s teen thinks she's alone now for a night in the museum with her main squeeze, and her best pals, but her jealous and dangerous ex plus his buddy along with an evil genie in a bottle tries to rub her the wrong way.* 2 1/2 stars

Ken Russell's "Gothic" *hysterical liberation in the romantic sense.* 3 stars

MSt3k "Werewolf" featuring the Tommy Wisseau trio of actors 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MST3k "Kitten with a Whip" *Moral politicians and sinful youth. Laughable.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

"The Burning Hell" *Religious scare film. Unintentional exploitation classic. 2 1/2 stars

Troma "Redneck Zombies" *The one guy who had to take a swig of whiskey no matter the horror or urgency of the situation... it got me everytime.* 2 1/2 stars

"W.W. and the Dixie Dance Kings" *The great almost unheard of Smoky and the Bandit prequel* 3 stars

MST3k "Hobgoblins" *It's like some producer saw Gremlins and stole a costume shop's puppets and filmed this over a weekend at a few bland Los Angeles / nothin' happenin' locations.* 2 with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MSt3k "Soultaker" starring Charlie Sheen's uncle *Southern Belle too dainty and flippish for afterlife.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Sorrority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl o Rama" featuring Linnea Quigley *Linnea is the likeable bad girl, as usual, and the evil genie puppet has a hilarious voice.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rollerblade The Movie" *Stephen King's 'The Dark Tower' if it were reimagined by the folks at Everything Is Terrible'* 1 1/2 stars

"Tourist Trap" starring Chuck Connors "Surreal Slasher" 3 stars

"Neon Maniacs" *The Village People are sent to hell for their sinful ways and return as Cenobites to stalk spunky and square teens in the land of the Rice a Roni treat.* 2 1/2 stars

"A Coming of Angels" xxx *Charlie's Angels stupid supblot, but it has an S & M sex slave dungeon and a nicely snowy, isolated setting.* 2 1/2 stars

"Pretty Peaches part 2" xxx *Studs with a troubled past who get hired to look after a stable of horses owned by a wealthy, foreign cripple always get to stroke the suffering from lack of a sex life wife.* 2 1/2 stars

"Neon Nights" xxx *Follow the yellow brick road or ride it in a van with swingers.* 3 stars

MST3k "It lives by Night" *It sucks by day or night.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Dead Man's Float" *There is an existential dread that comes with that coming of age trial of learning to swim.* 3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "Maiko" *A bitter beachbum loses his grip on humanity / empathy for land lubbers.* 2 1/2 stars

"Dance of the Damned" *If Stefanie Meyer penned an uninentionally funny skinemax flick in 1993* 2 stars

"The Blood on Satan's Claws" *Blaming the devil for a bad seed from an old harvest.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The Beyond" *Lousianna Fricasseed Corpses* 3 stars

"Randy the Electric Lady" *Ballsdeep Bride of Frankenstein.* 2 1/2 stars

"Stiff Competition" xxx *Dick sucking "comes" with its own reward. No blue ribbon needed, but maybe a blue bib.* 3 stars

"new wave hookers" xxx *Bitches in heat over Flock of Seagulls.* 2 stars

"Surrender in Paradise" xxx *Women are needy castaways.* 2 1/2 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies 'The Devil's Gift' 3 stars

"Kingdom of Spiders" starring William Shatner *When Shatner is accepted as the cowboy archetype, hell will spit up its plague upon us.* 3 stars

Oliver Stone's "Seizure" *I feel sorry for Stone if his nightmares include Tattoo from Fantasy Island.* 3 stars

"Mortuary" *Creepy, corpse abusin' Bill Paxton.* 3 stars

MST3k "Deathstalker" *Robin Hood types are always self absorbed asses.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing. 2 without

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Blood Feast" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *This is what should have happened to the lady who brought Edward Scissorhands home.* 2 1/2 stars

MST3k "The Beginning of the End" *Crickets on post-cards photograhed to be earth shattering, mind blowing horror. Now, it would be million dollar CGI, and it would still be terrible.* 2 stars with spoofing. 1 1/2 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Badge" *Badge as in evil humanoid badger of some lore.* 2 1/2 stars

WitchFinder General starring Vincent Price *Makes you wonder who was filling Joe McCarthy's pockets with gold coins.* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Spontaneous Combustion" starring Brad Dourif *A far less hokey Truman Show for the atomic era.* 3 stars

"Please Don't Eat My Mother" *Kinky Shop of Horrors" 3 stars

"Wheeler aka Psycho from Texas" *A feast of snakes.* 3 stars

MST3k "the Creeping Terror" *I wish GWAR would get sent back in time to the 50s, folks would be getting eaten by giant worm costume monsters -left and right.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies 2" *Pint-sized demonic ghouls just wanna have murderous fun at the carnival. What's so wrong with that?* 2 1/2 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Suburban Roulette" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *The sex taboos of the 60s seem so routine today.* 2 stars

"Rock n Roll Nightmare" *Horrible hair metal croons. A plot twist M. Night would love. And some demonic finger puppets.* 2 stars

"There's Nothing Out There" *Self aware horror movie done right. Usually, I hate when the 4th wall is broken, but when the hero swung from the boom mic, and no mention was made of why or he didn't look into the camera smugly to reference it afterward, I almost stood up and cheered for the clever absurdity.* 3 stars

Tell Them Johnny Wadd is here starring John Holmes 3 stars

"I Drink Your Blood." *Rabies pot pies. Yum.* 3 stars

"Midnight Ride" starring Mark Hammil and Michael Dudikoff *A live action Killing Joke with a Dark Knight in hot pursuit.* 3 stars

"Up the Creek" 1984 3 stars

The Twilight Zone "Dead Run" starring Steve Railsback *Truly frightening because it turns the afterlife into a cold system full of the red tape and soullessness of an earthly existence.* 3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney 'Mr. Boogedy' *I'm sure this pre-dates Beetlejuice, but it's similar, though blandly so and has that generic, hazy 80s suburbia Saturday afternoon tv feel about it.* 2 stars

"razorback" *the outback is hog heaven for any horrific scenario.* 3 stars

mst3k 'parts: the clonus horror' *Yuppie Bob Hope and Bob Dole types wanna make sure they can play 18 holes of golf for eternity at their country club of choice with a fresh new body every 80 years.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Dr. Giggles" 3 stars

"Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell" 3 stars

"Flesh Eating Mothers" *It's a Jersey thing. STDs included.* 2 stars

MST3k "Incredibly Strange Creatures..." 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

You Can't Do That On Television "Nature" 3 stars

mtv's Buzzkill "Sasquatch" 2 stars

black adder 'back and forth' 3 stars

are you afraid of the dark 'the tale of the dangerous soup' 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt 'people who live in brass hearses' starring bill paxton and brad dourif 3 stars

tales from the dark side 'a serpent's tooth' 2 stars

the hitchhiker 'part of me' 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies 'the children' 2 1/2 stars

UsA Saturday Nightmares 'Living Dolls' 3 stars

'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow' Jeff Goldblum and Meg Foster *I can picture Goldblum being lynched if he had lurched around awkwardly in Colonial times, and Meg would have been burned at the stake for those fiery eyes.* 3 stars

Linda Blair and the Unknown Comic in "Night Patrol" *The Unknown Comic is an acquired taste, but the movie is more decent than Police Academy.* 2 1/2 stars

"Hard Rock ZOmbies" *Like Return of the Living Dead starring REO Speedwagon with a sprig of Springtime for Hitler and To Catch A Predator* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "The Devil's Rain" *The heavy metal "sign of the Devil" works just as well on Shatner as the Vulcan death grip.* 2 1/2 stars

Rob Zombie's "The Lords of salem" starring Bruce Davidson, Meg Foster, and Sherri Moon Zombie's ass *Dario Argento with a mullet, a foul mouth, and a dragon tattooed above his pubic hair.* 2 1/2 stars minus one whole star

mst3k "the legend of boggy creek 2" *Autumn in Arkansas equals SEC football with big, sweaty, hairy men or weekends in the woods with big, sweaty, hairy monsters and hillbillies.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"the masque of red death" starring vincent price 3 stars

"midnight offerings" *feels like a haunted after school special* 3 stars

Elvira presents "Charlie Boy" 2 1/2 stars

"Carman's Witch Invitation" *Dr. Strange tries to seduce the spoken word evangelical white rapper who was born without any "soul"* 1 star

"Let Me Die A Woman" *Informative exploitation.* 1 star

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Curious Camera" 2 1/2 stars

"Bloodfreak" *You ain't nothin' but a hounddog, you jive turkey.* 2 1/2 stars

Salute your Shorts "Zeke The Plumber" 3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Whispering Walls" 3 stars

John Waters' "Desperate Living" *Tight assed towns or dirty communes?* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Eaten Alive" *Don't cross graveyard shift weirdos. Is that so hard for people to comprehend?... Guard against the crocodiles out on America's lost highways.* 3 stars

Zack Snyder's "Man of Steel" *Superhero mass destruction sponsored by Sears.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "Thor" *So glad that He-Man left ethereal Eternia, so that we could watch him fumble around Smallville staring awestruck at plain Jane Portman.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "The Avengers" *I wish Hulk would smash Robert Downey Jr. like he did Loki.* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs don coscarelli's "The Beastmaster" *Dungeon crawlin' and creature callin'* 3 stars

"erotic city" starring amber lynn *Glam and bam* 2 1/2 stars

"Calvaire" aka "The Ordeal" *Tell me have you seen her?* 3 stars

"Night of the Bloody Apes" *Needed some more lucha libre* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Paranoid brutha's harem, Redneck shipwreck, vegetable stand she devil* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Beneath the valley of the ultra vixens." *Horny comedy* 3 stars

"Deep Star Six" *The best of claustrophobic disaster movies and b monster movies taken seriously.* 3 stars

"Samurai Reincarnation" starring Sonny Chiba *For fans of Japanse ghosts/demons and grindhouse sword slashing socky.* 3 stars

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns part 1 and 2 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren is "The Punisher" *Pulses like an 80s vigilante action movie should because it's an 80s vigilante movie and not a modern comic book movie.* 3 stars

"The Wolverine" Hugh Jackman *Felt closer to the Frank Miller source material than it did the typical Marvel stuff like the terrible Wolverine Origins.* 3 stars

"The Terror Within" starring Andrew Stevens *B sci fi ALIEN (Ridley Scott) monster rip off with an isolated, apocalyptic THE THING (Carpenter) setting that really works.* 3 stars

Jackass presents: "Bad Grandpa" *More endearing than Bruno or Borat, but not as biting, yet still tasteless fun.* 3 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs 2020 texas gladiators *Italian post apocalyptic burnt toast (Texas sized.)* 2 1/2 stars

Zack Snyder's "The Watchmen" director's cut *Director's cut but where is the S & M memory stuff?* 3 stars

Christopher Reeve is "Superman" a Richard Donner film *Two flaws: Gene Hackman seems like a vaudeville villain and the turning back time happy ending. not saying it should have been 'man of steel' bleak, but maybe the earthquake and Lois dying shouldn't have happened at all.* 2 1/2 stars

American Samurai *Highly enjoyable bloodsport ripoff with mortal kombat style fatalities* 3 stars

usa up all night with gilbert gotfried "vampires on bikini beach" *garlic breath and icy nipples* 1 1/2 stars

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm (complete series) *more awkward animation and dialogue than an old filmation cartoon, and this was made in the mid 90s.* 1 1/2 stars

Bruno Mattei's "Zombie Creeping Flesh" *schlock and gore that comments on pandemics effects on 3rd world people* 3 stars

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