#side dash of clan politics too lol

[yuesya]

Ko-fi Update

Chapter 62 (update #66) for zenith of stars is up on Ko-fi. Thank you very much for the support!

LINK

[that-otome-potato]

I love you love me

Inspired by a recent event (can’t remember which one now lol... Yes, I’ve been working on this one that long because Dumblr is dumb).

Sweet Kiyomasa x MC fluff with, as is common with me, a dash of angst.  I’M SORRY I AM INCAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING ELSE.  It’s either smut or something with a bit of angst in it because #Drama.

Warning:  They’re both a little dumb in this because this was without notes and I rewrote it at least three times, especially after tumblr deleted what I had done in this draft.

Tagging: @masamunesmistress, @calicocrest, @all-my-cuffs-have-buttons and @dear-mrs-otome@dear-mrs-otome

It wasn’t a sudden occurrence. 

There was no strike of lightning from the heavens, no mind-shaking epiphany that brought the feelings to my attention, as if they were buried deep in my heart.

It was slow, gradual, unnoticeable until it was too late. I was in love with Lord Kiyomasa. Autumn was still new and the leaves had yet to fall from their perch in their trees when I realized my feelings for Lord Kiyomasa were stronger than mere friendship. I had only been at Nagahama for a short time, but already I felt as if I had been a part of the clan my whole life.

Lord Hideyoshi and Lord Masanori were kind and polite, always making me feel welcome in their group, but it was Lord Kiyomasa that stood out from the others to me. He was taller than Lord Hideyoshi, lithe but still very strong.  He always seemed to be there when I needed someone to carry something I couldn’t or catch me if I started to fall. He had a boyish charm like Lord Hideyoshi, but didn’t try to placate someone like he did.  Lord Kiyomasa made sure you knew where he stood on issues in one breath, while being a shameless flirt in the next.

However, under all that bravado, he was as sweet as honey with a heart as golden as his hair. Hair I kept feeling my hands itch to run my fingers through because of how soft it looked. If I bought some glass beads, would he let me add to the ones he already had…? He always made me smile, taught me how to fold origami cranes, would talk with me into the wee hours of the morning on the veranda as we looked up at the moon.  He was strong, wholly dedicated to Lord Hideyoshi and reliable.  All of this and so much more drew me towards him, wanting more.  Needing more. But I knew it wasn’t meant to be.  Lord Kiyomasa was just getting into his stride in life as a samurai, proving himself in battle and coming out on top. He didn’t need anything extra in his life keeping him back.  At least, not until he decided he needed to seek out a wife of prominent lineage. A prominent lineage of which I certainly had none of. I shook my head to scatter those cloudy thoughts as I served Lord Hideyoshi his lunch, returning his kind smile when he thanked me before moving on. Perhaps Lord Kiyomasa would let me at least continue to be friends with him and serve in his castle if he ever found a woman suitable to be his wife. ~*~ “Why don’t you say something?” Kiyomasa looked up from his bowl of miso soup to his left where Masanori sat when he asked that question, before turning his eyes to follow you around the room. “I have no idea what you mean.” “You can’t fool me.  I see the way you look at her.” His red haired friend replied, eating calmly as if he didn’t care about the conversation at all. Kiyomasa sighed and put his bowl down to sit back, watching you surreptitiously as you finished serving the other retainers with a smile and went back to the kitchen. He thought back to all the times he had spent time with you, the way being around you made his heart race.  The way your very presence brought absolute calm to his soul. He loved how caring and thoughtful you were.  He looked forward to your cooking every day and was marveled at how such a talented cook could be so horrible folding origami. He thought you were beautiful in your humbleness, not fretting over pretty hairpins, obi ties, or makeup like other girls he had been with. He found spending time with you refreshing and revitalizing and every time he had a day off, he sought you out because that was when he was most relaxed. He knew he had deep feelings for you, but couldn’t bring himself to act on them for one reason. Hideyoshi. The way Hideyoshi also looked at you hadn’t escaped him. He saw adoration in his gaze whenever you interacted with him, the soft smiles, the laughing.  So many times he had to convince himself from trying to steal you away and tell you how he felt. He wouldn’t though, because he wouldn’t steal away the girl his friend and Lord has his eyes on.  He respected Hideyoshi too much to do that to him. He was resigned to tell himself he would just be happy with the way things were and to help the love between you and Hideyoshi blossom and grow.  Eventually, the knife twisting in his heart would stop and the pain would ease, right? “She’s not for me.  Sure, she’s fun to spend time with, but she isn’t my type. I like girls who know how to have fun. You know what I mean?” He winked at Masanori with a flirty smirk and a nudge with his elbow, trying to distract those listening, hoping they would think he meant carnal entertainment as he had once been known to partake in. Masanori paused long enough to cast him a deadpan look before returning to his meal. Kiyomasa could tell that his friend didn't believe his words for a moment. “You know, Lord Kiyomasa, she looks at you the same way, right?” Sakon decided to supply from his right side, the entire conversation earning a disgruntled huff from Mitsunari, who was sitting on the other side of Sakon, next to Hideyoshi. “You’re seeing things, kid.” Kiyomasa scoffed, picking his soup up to drink from the bowl. “Fine, don’t believe us.  But we’re telling you that she likes you, too.” Kiyomasa looked at Sakon from the corner of his eye. Surely he must be mistaken. A lady like her, interested in a ruffian like him? No way. “Just talk to her. That will clear things up.” He looked to his other side, watching as Masanori finished off his fish, leaving nothing but a skeleton on his plate before moving on to the next dish. Could he do that?  What if he asked and, as he thought, she really did have feelings for Hideyoshi?  Could he handle the rejection, despite being prepared for it? At least, if he did ask, he would know and could move on. ~*~ “Lord Kiyomasa?” His ears perked at the sound of her voice several days later.  He quickly stood from the desk where he was reading and moved towards the shoji door to his rooms. When he opened it, she was standing there, her hands folded before her over her obi, the light of the waning afternoon sun causing her to be limned in gold. It took everything in him not to show how the sight made him feel like he got punched in the gut. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, my lady?” He gave her his best, most flirtatious smirk as he backed up and motioned for her to enter. She shook her head and remained in the doorway, still acting the prim and proper lady, Kiyomasa felt like rubbing his chest where the pain from his metaphorical gut-punch moved up, squeezing his heart with a tight fist. “I need to talk to you about something very important. Something I can’t talk to anyone else about. Something that I’ve been needing to get of my chest.” “Important, huh? Would you like some tea?" She shook her head again. “I was thinking it was a nice day for a walk?” Kiyomasa nodded and stepped out of his room before closing the door behind him. They walked together for a time before she paused near the back wall of Nagahama’s gardens.  A thousand thoughts flit past his minds eye, all potential topics that she could possibly want to talk to him about. Alone and in the back of the garden. “Is everything okay?” He asked, prompting her to speak. She slowly turned to face him.  Never could he remember seeing her look so serious. ~*~ I could feel sweat gathering at the back of my neck, my heart racing at a fast clip in my chest. Most of the day had been spent thinking things over while doing my chores and, finally, I decided that telling Lord Kiyomasa how I felt was better over all for my health than keeping it in.  The decision had been hard, but I knew it was right.  If he didn’t feel the same way about me, then at least I would know. I could move on.  Or at least try to. “I want to say everything is ok, but I can’t lie to you.  There’s been something I’ve needed to tell you for a while now, and I’ve finally plucked up the courage.” He reached up to tuck some stray hair behind my ear, opening his mouth to say something, but he froze and pulled his hand away, closing his mouth to look at me.  There was an intensity in his gaze I rarely saw unless he spoke of something he was passionate about. “What is it?” “It’s hard to say.  I have strong feelings for someone, but I’m afraid to tell him.  He’s a samurai, I’m just a no-name cook.  He’s going places, I’m not - not like him at least.” “It’s Hideyoshi, isn’t it?” Despair came over his features when he suggested our Lord and friend. He thought I loved Lord Hideyoshi? What caused such sadness on his handsome features?

I moved closer to cup the side of his face on one side.  He looked down at me, his gaze wavering as he seemed to study my face.  I was about to reply when he opened his mouth.

“Honestly, you couldn’t do better.” “Wait, what? No, I’m not…” “I’ve seen you two.  He cares for you deeply.  I’m happy for you, truly.  He’ll make you very happy and be a good husband to you.” With those final words, Lord Kiyomasa turned to walk away from me towards his room in the castle.  Without thinking, I cast my hand out to catch his sleeve to stop him from leaving, forcing him to turn around and face me.  I quickly drop my hand, seeing surprise on his handsome features, feeling it on my own as well. “It’s not… not Lord Hideyoshi.  He’s nice, and I enjoy working for him, but he’s not the one my heart desires.” “Masanori?” “No.” “Mitsunari?” “No!  Gods, no…” “Sakon?” “I’m not even going to grace that response with an answer.” “Who else could it be?  You’re a beautiful, amazing woman that any man should feel honored to have at his side.” “Even you?” “Especially me!  I…” All I hear for several moments after that was the wind blowing through the trees, the chatter of small animals, and the song of birds. “Lord Kiyomasa?” For some reason, he frowned down at me a moment before he gripped both of my forearms and pushed me away, turning on his heel and moving back to the castle. But for just a second, I saw a flash of embarrassment in his golden gaze. I couldn’t let him go without telling him what I had gone there to say - I didn't want to lose my courage. So I chased after him.  When I got close enough, he turned towards me when he heard me running and I saw a look of surprise as I launched myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and planting my lips against his.   My kiss didn’t get the reaction I had been hoping for, considering how well known with the maids he was and the stories I had heard from his friends.  Perhaps I had been mistaken in what he had meant. The disheartening thought made me stiffen and practically throw myself from him.  What was I doing, throwing myself at him like that? When I backed to a respectable distance and looked at my feet, my hands wringing each other out as I tried to come up with an excuse for my attack and one to escape. ”I…I, um… I’m sorry. After what you said… I thought...” After a few more moments if awkward silence, just as I was about to leave him in my shame, Lord Kiyomasa closed the distance. ~*~ He was ashamed of how long it took to recover from the suddenness of her kiss. It was the last thing he had expected, but certainly not something unwanted. There had been nights he’d fallen asleep thinking about what her lips would taste like, what they would feel like against his own. Which, of course, lead to other thoughts more suited for his bedroom. He didn’t even think about what he was doing - Kiyomasa closed the distance she had created, raised his hands to either side of her head and slanted his lips over hers hungrily. Lips as sweet as berries and just as plump, soon gave way to his kiss, accepting it with enthusiasm and giving as good as she got when he added his tongue to play with hers when she opened to him. ‘So, this is what it feels like to kiss the woman you truly love.’ He thought to himself, feeling her hands gripping at his sides, using his kimono to bodies closer together. ~*~ ‘So, this is what it feels like to kiss the man you truly love.’ I thought to myself, pulling him closer as our tongues dueled and our teeth clashed.I could feel my skin tingling along the path his hand created over my kimono when he moved one of his arms down to wrap around my waist, easing us down into the grass. The feeling of him over me unlike anything I'd ever experienced before - the heat licking at my flesh warming me from the inside out, his weight comforting even as he held himself above me. Lord Kiyomasa was like a man dying of thirst as he moved his lips over my own, lapping and sucking, toying with me and managing to pull a whimper from my throat. My cheeks heated at the sound that came from me, but he replied with a similar sound, pressing his hips into my leg, showing me just how much he was enjoying this.  The feel of his hardened manhood against my thigh caused searing heat to bloom in my core and it made me gasp. I felt a moment of clarity forcing its way through the fog of the arousal he was causing and I pressed the palms of my hands against his chest, ending the kiss."What's wrong?" Panting and deliciously flushed, he looked down at me with heat and a little confusion and uncertainty in his eyes. "Did I go too far?"I just shook my head and smiled up at him, hoping he could see all of the emotions I felt for him in my eyes. "No. I'm okay with this.  But are you? What about your future?" I know that I'd asked this of him already, but I had to be sure.  I wasn't about to let him back out once he told me he was sure.  I wanted - needed- him in my life and wasn't sure if I would settle for less.He just waved my words off with his hand and a smirk. "I wasn't born with this title, as you well know.  I have no designs for the future except to continue serving Hideyoshi. I could care less for having a snobbish noblewoman for a wife.  I want a sweet, caring cook from the capitol who has a perchance for trouble and whose kiss sets my blood aflame.  Someone who I can talk to, can search out and find when troubled, knowing she will make everything better."Lord Kiyomasa delicately carded the fingers of his waving hand through my hair at my temple, sending little sparks through my entire body. "You're the one I want  to come home to, to be at my side, and one day, to share my bed with.  You have been for a long time."His words gathered and settled nice and warm in my chest as I tightened my hold on him, pulling him close as we lay in the dying grass of the garden.  "I have loved you for a long time as well, Lord Kiyomasa. I will stay with you as long as you will have me.  All I ask is that you let me know if you change your mind."I could feel him shaking and heard a low chuckle. When he looked up, I saw flames rekindling in his eyes. "Then be ready to be with me until the end of our days. I'm not letting you go anywhere without me."I hugged him tight again, cradling his forehead where my neck met my shoulder. "Yes, milord."~*~

[ghostwise]

Dragon Age Questions

@dirthara-mama tagged me for this! Thank you!! <3 I’ll tag @mabarihounds @antivan-surana and @vlwv 

01) Favourite game of the series?

Origins! It’s the first one I played, and each time I pick it up I find something entirely new in the experience. The characters feel like old friends, and the dialogue is really charming. It also has a ridiculous high-fantasy vibe that I love, which seems to be lacking in later games. I know it’s silly, I know it’s absurd and dated... but you just can’t beat that possessed rhyming oak tree npc…

02) How did you discover Dragon Age?

When Inquisition was announced, I started seeing a lot of it on my dash, so a friend and I started playing the series! I was hooked pretty much right away.

03) How many times you’ve played the games?

I’ve finished Origins three times, DA2 twice, and I’m currently playing Inquisition for the first time!!  Exciting!

I also have a handful of unfinished playthroughs on Origins, which were attempts to create new Warden characters, but none of them got past the first quest. I just love my Mahariel too much… 

04) Favourite race to play as?

Elves! I love the worldbuilding behind them, the city elves, the Dalish, and the ancient elves. I hate pretty much everything about how these issues are handled in game, though.

05) Favourite class?

Mage!

06) Do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

Pretty much. I have tried to play as different characters so as to explore different outcomes and decisions, but again… I love my OCs too damn much.

07) Go-to adventuring group?

Origins: Hamal, Zevran, Morrigan, Sten. DA2: Renata, Varric, Anders, Isabela. Inquisition: Neluayo, Varric, Blackwall, Sera—so far!

08) Which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

Listen, I love creating OCs and putting ridiculous amounts of thought into them. It went from being a coping mechanism as a newly immigrated depressed and anxious child, to something I still love as an adult. I have a hard time picking one OC I put the most thought into…

But because I’ve played Origins the most, and played it first, Hamal has a lot more content in his tag than my other Dragon Age OCs. He’s my baby and I adore him.

09) Favourite romance?

Zevran’s, no question. I think he may be one of my favorite characters in the series, romance or no! I love his background and his personality and his character arc. My boy...

10) Have you read any of the comics/books?

Nope!

11) If you read them, which was your favourite book?

Didn’t read any of them but I do own World of Thedas v1 and v2, and it seems each time I open it I find something new and surprising about the world. I love it!

12) Favourite DLCs?

I really enjoyed Return to Ostagar for Origins, and Legacy for Dragon Age 2. I know Inquisition has some amazing DLC content so I’m looking forward to that!

13) Things that annoy you.

The constant retconning, and rewriting of issues to suit a certain agenda in game. Especially regarding treatment of the mages or the elves. Like, I know this is a fictional narrative, okay? But it’s annoying to watch the story go from ‘Templars are unequivocally abusing their power and oppressing this group of people’ to ‘well they have good reason for it, sometimes you have to massacre an entire population because of one incident, it’s Gray Morality™ sweetie!’

Nah, it’s just bad writing! And it’s okay to admit that lol

14) Orlais or Ferelden?

I have no strong feelings on the matter. Would love to hear more about Antiva or Seheron!

15) Templars or mages?

Mages!

16) If you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

Same universe. I don’t have an interest in having multiple Wardens or Hawkes tbh, I... I get too attached lol

17) What did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

Hamal calls his mabari D’alen. He is the most spoiled mabari in all of Thedas, typically guarding the camp, never fighting or being placed in danger. Renata calls her mabari Nicolo, and she loves putting warpaint on him. The dog accompanied Carver at Ostagar and takes care of the family over their years in Kirkwall. I still need to name Neluayo’s hart!

18) Have you installed any mods?

A few for Origins (different robes for Morrigan and the realistic appearance mods for companions), and several for DA2 (dialogue tweaks and new hair/appearance options). But Inquisition seems kinda complicated to mod, and I don’t want to break the game hhhh

19) Did your Warden want to become a Grey Warden?

No, he wanted to find Tamlen and go back to his clan. He actually did take off after Ostagar, driven by anger and fear and homesickness. Alistair was devastated. Morrigan had to go and fetch him, convincing him to return.

20) Hawke’s personality?

A good mix of purple and blue, but let’s be real, Renata is pink. Whimsy, whimsy, whimsy.

21) Did you make matching armor for your companions in Inquisition?

I haven’t played around with armor creation yet… sounds fun though!

22) If your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

Hamal would have gone after Tamlen. It’s his greatest regret. Even before encountering him as a ghoul, Hamal was never able to shake the feeling that Tamlen had survived. But Duncan shot down every hope, and there was so much going on after Ostagar… there came a point where Hamal accepted that Tamlen was gone. 

When he shows up again, too far beyond any help but a blade between his ribs? It’s not something he ever gets over.

23) Do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

Oh I love breaking canon.

Hamal never becomes Warden Commander. His political influence by the time of the Landsmeet is as perilous as you might expect of an angry and traumatized Dalish elf whose interest was more on surviving and defeating the Blight, than, say, being on any noble’s good side. The only reason he isn’t immediately executed is because he and his allies called in many favors and made many concessions. One being that he would leave the Wardens and not remain politically involved. Frankly, the crown and nobility hoped he would perish against the Archdemon. But here we are! 

Alistair becomes Warden Commander instead. Receiving the boon comes with challenges of its own. The Dalish receive all the land that was most tainted by the Blight. Reconstruction takes years and is still an issue during Inquisition era.

To that end, the political influence of the Dalish during Inquisition leads to a lot of changes for Neluayo’s canon too. Because the elves have a hold over much of the south, the Inquisition needs to ally with them to even gain access to those regions. Neluayo being Dalish herself smooths things over some, but she is really in a complex position, with the Dalish, with the Chantry, with the monarchy… being stationed in the Free Marches, Clan Lavellan is one of the clans that has yet to join the southern Dalish. It’s a huge stressor for her.

As for Hawke, I keep both her siblings alive. Renata needs her little sister ;; <3 They do all go their separate ways after events in Kirkwall though. Orsino is also alive. Varric was clearly covering for him!

And I know Hawke already has a VA buuuut I headcanon Renata’s voice to sound more like Brittany Howard’s! Because it’s adorable.

24) Are any of your character(s) based on someone?

Not really. I never create them with any one source of inspiration or influence in mind.

25) Who did you leave in the Fade?

I’m gonna leave Stroud in the Fade! Makes my life a lot easier lol

26) Favourite mount?

I’ll agree that the harts are amazing! And they’re just so TALL. Love those majestic Thedosian megafauna. The bog unicorns are cute too, they’ve grown on me, surprisingly. Ha!

[eldritchsurveys]

o81.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you realized something about yourself, your abilities, or your financial situation that left you feeling disappointed? >> I’m not sure. I feel like I’ve got a pretty solid perception of my financial situation, and considering it’s the best it’s been since I’ve hit adulthood, I can’t imagine being too disappointed (except when new video games come out lmao but half the time I buy them anyway because... like, I can, for once, and my brain goblins can’t prevent me from treating myself forever!). As far as my mental state is concerned, Can Calah won’t let me beat myself up about that, so entertaining any sort of disappointment in myself is out of the question. 

2. Generally, are you more likely to blame others or yourself for problems you experience? >> Generally, I’m more likely to blame myself than others. But I don’t think that’s any better than blaming others. I am as much a product of my environment and the other people in my life as I am a product of whatever wild magical shit happens to make brains the way they are. I can control what I can control, but a lot of things about my life are out of my control. Finding things to place blame on really just doesn’t help me fix things, so I don’t care who’s to blame, I care how it can be fixed/helped.

3. What is one thing about your life that you don’t ever see changing, even if you might wish it would? >> I probably will never be a person that is gainfully employed or self-sufficient. And, honestly, that would hurt me more if I didn’t have someone who is gainfully employed and self-sufficient who is willing to use that for both of our benefit. I was basically convinced that everyone in this country is out for whatever they can get for themselves, and if I can’t keep up with that, then I’m not worth keeping around. I’d been convinced that people saw me as a leech who just existed to suck up all their resources, and had nothing of value to offer in return. It’s a very insidious mentality to have absorbed, but the longer I’m here, the less power it has over me, so I guess I do have her to thank for that.

4. At what point in your life have you been the most social or had the most friendships? And at which point have you been the least social? >> I guess when I lived in NYC, in general. I had a couple of persistent social circles: the Streetwork LES crew (homeless/destitute youth who went to the drop-in center on the Lower East Side called Streetwork), and the vamp scene crew (self-styled “vampyres” who participated in a big underground subculture, subdivided themselves into Houses and Clans, and threw a lot of parties). Most of those people weren’t what I’d call my friends, per se -- we were very friendly, sure, and I had a lot of good times with them, but most of those people didn’t really measure up to what I’d want out of friendship (and the rest were just casual acquaintances). I guess now is when I’ve been the least social; I know almost no one out here and the people I do know are really just... friendly acquaintances, I guess? Social-media buddies? We don’t really know things about each other, you know, like friends do... I don’t know. At this age, I don’t know how friendships form and I don’t know how to find out. The Internet is where my friends are now and I guess that’s just the way it has to be until I figure out something else (or until I move to a less socially-uptight area).

5. Do you prefer to have a few close friends or a bunch of random acquaintances? Which would describe what you have now? >> I’d like to have a mix of both. I just like to have people to be social with, in a variety of ways. Like I had in New York... Right now, I don’t know what I have. I’m kinda off this subject because it depresses me, ngl, no offence to anyone.

6. Do you journal? Generally, what do you write about? Do you find it helpful to get your thoughts out that way, or do you prefer another form of self-expression? >> I used to journal. I used to be really into journalling. But I guess, instead of trying to stick to the same practices I used to do, maybe I ought to recognise that my instinct to journal has been diverted into other forms of media -- like keeping a tumblr, and taking surveys. These all exist as records of my life -- as proof that I was here, that I existed, that these things happened to me. The internet enables me to keep a multimedia record of my existence, and that’s actually more than I could expect from just one paper journal, or whatever. Journalling (on various journal sites especially) was indeed a helpful way for me to get my thoughts out, but I guess now I just talk to Can Calah instead. I think I got put off writing my thoughts down because my instinct is to keep stuff like that public, because it’s all me and I am an open book, but then people (not just one person, either, this is just a thing people do in general, and I guess it’s understandable but oh my god) would get upset about stuff later and it’d just get messy. So I got put off being emotional on the internet because it backfired on me a lot lmao. I’m working on getting over it.

7. Do you like eating foods that other people have cooked for you, or do you prefer to have control over your meals? >> I do like eating food that other people have cooked for me -- as long as it’s food I like. And as long as it isn’t like... some kind of social trap. Like, I was annoyed with Sparrow’s mother for a few months because she wasn’t respecting my boundaries and always had some stupid shit to say about me to Sparrow and I don’t play that fucking shit. So I basically stopped being nice to her. And she kept trying to do stuff like... like Easter dinner, she made it “Southern-style” and made collards and banana pudding and shit. And like, this is a Midwestern White(tm) we’re talking about. That’s not the kind of stuff she naturally makes for any occasion. And she told Sparrow that she’d asked around (I guess at her job??? or something?) about what Black people eat on holidays??? And Sparrow’s like “but you could have just asked Logan if there was any dishes he wanted to be served”. Like, it’s not fucking rocket science, I’m right here. But she’ll always do shit like that, trying to ingratiate herself, when it’s not that fucking hard!!!! Don’t touch me, don’t talk about me to my fiancée behind my back, and ask me things directly!!!! WOW! SO HARD! (Also, the banana pudding was a fucking miss because bananas are one of like 3 foods on this entire planet that I don’t like. Which... she would have known... if she’d asked me first. But no, it was just all “oh I did this, I did that, he’s not grateful” bitch I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS. STOP IT.) Anyway, shit like that I hate. But people making food for me in general is great, because I hate cooking.

8. Have you ever been somewhere and REALLY didnt like a food that you were expected to eat? How did you deal with this? Are you someone who is likely to suck it up and be polite or refuse and save your taste buds? >> Yeah, that same Easter holiday I just mentioned. The collards were terrible, the fish was meh, and everything else was food I don’t care for (cheesy potatoes and that kinda starch-heavy fare). So I basically drank wine and played on my phone the whole time. As you can see, politeness is not something I feel compelled to give if I don’t want to. 

9. What is one way in which you compare yourself to others? In this comparison, do you regard yourself as better or worse off than the people to whom you usually do the comparing? >> Well, I compare myself to other fanwriters a lot, because it’s something I can’t help. I don’t think I’m a bad writer. I’ve been writing literally all of my conscious life, and I’ve watched myself progress. I’m generally pretty fair about my strengths and weaknesses in writing. When my confidence is where it’s supposed to be, and I’ve been writing often, I turn out some pretty good shit. I like my work. But my confidence took a big hit at some point lately, and I’m not sure why. All I know is that I feel like my offerings to fandom are like... boring to people, or not interesting enough, or??? I don’t know. And I feel like I don’t have any stories worth telling anymore. These are all feelings and really not based in any sort of reality, because my friends and partner tell me they like my work and my OCs, and tumblr as a whole is so astoundingly saturated with fanwork that the lack of interest most likely has nothing to do with my content and more to do with the fact that the market is full up and people don’t have time. I know all that, but when I sit down and go “okay, self, let’s write a fic”, all these mental blocks land in my path and I get too tired to deal with it and just scroll my dash instead. I don’t know what to do, but I guess I’ll just truck along until something in me changes. :/

10. What is something you’ve been particularly grateful for lately? >> That while my thanatophobia is nowhere near fixed, it’s been a little quieter lately. I’ve been able to sleep, and being able to sleep makes a lot of other things more manageable by default, so it’s like an ouroboros (in this case, a good one; but when I can’t sleep then it becomes a terrible one, lol). I’m using the lull to try to install some better programming, some less spiral-y thought patterns, that sort of thing. I don’t know if it’s helping, but I’ve literally got more to gain than I stand to lose, so.

11. What kind of change or opportunity would be the biggest help in your life right now? >> A therapist. But... like, one I feel like I can build a relationship with, not one who I dread seeing (which has been every therapist I’ve ever had). But like, besides just the benefit to my mental health... the clock is really ticking; recertification for SSI will most likely be happening within the next year and I have no psych team. How will they know how to judge my case if I’m not in any kind of treatment? That’s how people end up cut off. :T

12. Is there one emotion that you experience more often than any other? Is there an emotion you rarely ever experience? >> I experience amusement most often, probably. If that’s an emotion. An emotion I rarely experience is... shame? Most likely.

13. How mature would you say you are? What qualities do you think make a person mature? >> I don’t know how to gauge maturity, least of all my own. What is my basis for comparison? Adulthood as it is in modern USian society is a crock, most of the time -- the way people understand it is all kinds of flawed. What are our passage rites? Who are our elders? Where do we learn how to be a productive member of our community (and not just a cog in the capitalist machine)? The people we look up to are often no better off than we are. Individualism as a social standard (as opposed to the understanding of oneself as an individual) and the division of the community structure has ruined our ability to understand ourselves in relation to other people properly. What is maturity, in a society like this? What is my role in my society, and how well am I fulfilling it? What have I learned about life, and how much of it is truly worth knowing and passing on? Questions, questions, questions.

14. When was the last time you believed there might be something seriously medically wrong with you? What was the ultimate diagnosis? >> I mean, I always think my body’s about to fall apart, even though I’m aware that’s illogical and just a byproduct of thanatophobia. I don’t think I’ve ever thought anything was seriously medically wrong with me, because generally nothing is.

15. What is one illness you are afraid of having? Do you know anyone who has faced this illness? >> Anything that involves degeneration of the brain (Alzheimer’s and the sort). And no, I don’t know anyone personally with anything like that. 

16. How do you tend to behave when you’re sick? What kinds of things do you like people to do for you, if anything, to help you feel better? >> I’m so rarely ill that I’m not even sure, lmao. I think it’d depend on what kind of sick I am, because different illnesses require different methods of care.

17. If you’re someone who rarely eats breakfast, is there a reason for this? If you do usually eat breakfast, are there any other meals you avoid or skip for any reason, and why so? >> I mean, I eat when I’m hungry, and I don’t care what the time of day is (as long as it’s not too close to bedtime). So I don’t really label my meals using “breakfast”, “lunch”, and so on. 

18. When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Were other people proud of you as well? Does it matter to you whether or not other people care about your accomplishments, or is your own satisfaction enough? >> Probably finishing some questline in a video game. And no, I mean, I didn’t really tell anyone or anything. It’s not really an important thing. Woo, big deal, video games, who cares.

19. What is your least favorite thing about the season you’re currently experiencing? Are you okay with most types of weather, or are you only happy under certain conditions? >> I don’t like sweating or feeling lethargic because of heat / humidity. I’m usually okay with most types of weather as long as they’re not extreme, but if there are long stretches of cloudy / rainy days I feel pretty diminished and gloomy-doomy.

20. Have you made any changes to your style or “look” lately? How often do you change your appearance, hairstyle, fashion, etc? Or is it a pretty constant thing? >> No, not really. I don’t know what to change. My executive function when it comes to appearance is like... in negative integers. I just... I lost the knack for it. Whatever.

21. What are some things you do to feel pampered? >> I’m not sure I ever feel pampered, lmao. I tried to think about it and I just got this tangled ball of wires regarding like, stuff I can’t even explain quickly, so I’m just gonna move on.

22. What was the last thing you felt hopeful about? Do you think there’s a good chance of whatever-it-is working out in your favor, or not so much? >> Well, the last thing I felt hopeful about was getting out to see The Equalizer 2 today, and then the whole debit card thing happened, so I actually had my hopes dashed. And all because I did what I was supposed to do! But doing what I was supposed to do means that now I have to wait for a new debit card, which means I can’t go to the movies today (I can’t get to the bank and just get cash, which is what the lady on the phone said to do! I don’t fucking drive!!!). So, you know. Right now I’m just focusing on salvaging my day and my mood.

23. In what ways are you prone to black and white thinking? In what ways do you see more in terms of color or gray? >> I don’t know, I’m mostly a grey person by necessity or by design or whatever. Sometimes I’ll think “I’m a complete fucking idiot” because I did one dumb thing, or something, but like... it’s just because I’m upset about the one thing and can’t properly process that one thing at the moment without like, making a mountain out of it. That’s why I just try to distract myself until the feeling passes, because that’s the only way to get my brain to move on.

24. Are there types of people you will simply never understand (not necessarily ~empathize with) no matter how hard you might try? Are there people you seem to understand almost immediately? >> Well, yeah, definitely. I mean, I can’t possibly understand everyone. I don’t expect myself to, either. I guess I understand people who are like me? Like, that’s logical, right? I don’t know. 

25. When was the last time you tried something you’ve never tried before? How likely are you to break from your routine and try new things? >> The only thing I can think of recently is playing Journey, because I’d never played that before. I don’t know how often I try new things, especially since a lot of “trying new things” involves either money I don’t have or access I don’t have. 

26. Have you ever “recovered” from anything? What does “recovery” mean or look like to you? >> I don’t think so. I think mental recovery is a long-term shifting of paradigms and changing of perspective that can only be truly comprehended in retrospect. I think in that respect, I’ll be recovering for a long time. This is why I prefer the small-scale focus rather than the wide-scale focus, because using the wide-scale focus too much makes everything feel bleak and futile -- we may have a more complex consciousness and a more complex understanding of time and space, but I think exercising that cosmic viewpoint frequently can be really taxing on the brain (which manifests in things like existential despair, thanatophobia, etc). So instead of thinking about “recovery”, I think about being good to myself today. And that’s that.

27. What are some ways your childhood differed from those of others around you? Do you think this difference was harmful or advantageous in the long run? >> Hm. I was raised as a “gifted child” with all the ridiculous bullshit that entailed. I was sheltered to an absurd degree for a modern child (like, I didn’t watch cartoons and didn’t know what actual video games [as opposed to computer games] were until I was almost an adult). I didn’t make my first friend until sixth grade, and I was so socially undeveloped that I ended up losing her before the year was out. I didn’t know how to talk to people, I was sullen and withdrawn, I lived in my headspace and didn’t bother with the actual world around me. My curiosity as a child was severely blunted by alienation (I guess I’m making up for that lack of curiosity now, huh). I was pretty obviously not a normal child, but no one could see that?? Or didn’t care?? As long as I got good grades and didn’t cut up in class, no one cared about my development, I guess. I think the nature of my childhood didn’t do me any favours, but I also think that I’ve done the best I could with what I had (which wasn’t much). I eventually had to teach myself socialisation by observation, for example, and I think I did a decent enough job. I can’t blame my parent and the adults around him for my stunted development forever. Now it’s my responsibility.

28. What is one thing you are really good at compared to most people? What about one thing you are really bad at compared to others? >> I really don’t know how to determine this. I think it’s too easy to judge oneself unfairly in comparison to other people, so I try not to do it on purpose, you dig.

29. Do you think people are “all good” or “all bad”? What would make someone qualify as “bad” or “good” to you, or do you simply not think in those terms? >> No, I don’t think that. I don’t even think of people in terms of “bad” or “good”, unless we’re literally playing a Fable game where you have an actual “good/evil” meter. Even then, I’ve spent most of my time in that fandom unpacking that stupid fucking spectrum and writing the characters with the nuance they deserve. So, you know. I’m pretty sick of good/evil or good/bad as a whole. People are people, and that’s that on that.

30. When was the last time you did something out in nature? Do you notice a dip in your mood when you don’t get enough of the Great Outdoors? >> I guess that’d be on the Fourth, when we went to Creekside Park to eat lunch. I... really don’t spend a whole lot of time outside anymore, and I think it’s directly related to how much I don’t like where I live. I’ve tried on many occasions to be more enthusiastic about something, anything, about Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I really fucking can’t. I can’t do it. And I’m tired of trying to make myself do it. So now I just don’t do shit. Which isn’t any better, I know. I’m just trying to make do, here.

[saranel]

The Last Jedi review, sorta

I don’t think I’ve talked enough (if at all) about what a huge Star Wars nerd I am on this blog, mostly because I didn’t love TFA as much as most people seemed to and I just never joined in the renewed fandom frenzy.

TL;DR on my views on TFA: It was fun enough, some interesting new characters, beautiful visuals, but I’d seen that movie before.  It came out in ‘77 and it was much better then.  Homage is one thing, rip off is completely another.  Mostly, I guess I was just disappointed that they didn’t dare to try and move the universe forward a bit, beyond the already trodden path.

Say what you will about the prequels, but I will always, always maintain there’s nothing wrong with them a better script and director couldn’t fix.  George tries, bless him, but he can’t write dialogue worth a damn.  Not even Meryl Streep could’ve made the line “So love has blinded you” any better than Natalie Portman did, and both she and Hayden have proven themselves to be much better actors than they were in Star Wars.  I’m not bothering with Ewan because he was one of the few really great things about the Prequels. 

That having been said, what George can do is weave a decent background story, and the Prequel Trilogy’s story is much, much richer than the OT’s.  Taking off our nostalgia-colored glasses for a moment, let us be honest: the OT was so successful because it did a very simple thing, and did it well, and had a cast with wonderful chemistry. The story itself is nothing to rave about: just your simple Evil Empire vs Plucky Rebels story.  But the Prequels actually got political and much darker than the OT did, they just did it clumsily.  Still, it was something new in the Star Wars universe and George always tried to expand the known worlds by giving us even small glimpses of other cultures and planets.  Don’t forget that Star Wars was never meant to be high-brow Science Fiction a la Philip Dick, but a space adventure.  This doesn’t mean that the story can’t have nuance, but the point of Star Wars was always to be a fairytale exploration of a fictional galaxy.

Compared to that, the new trilogy seemed extremely lacking to me.  And seeing The Last Jedi a few days ago really cemented that.  Never before have I seen so many things happening in one movie while nothing really happens at all.  It makes Attack of the Clones look interesting in comparison, and that’s saying a lot.  ALSO LUKE, WTF HAS THE MOUSE DONE TO MY SPACE SON, THE FUCKING GALL.

So yes, surprise-surprise, TLJ manages to rip off Empire (with a dash of Battlestar Galactica thrown in for good measure) and does so poorly.  It was not a terrible film by any means, but I honestly thought it was no better than Phantom Menace. And Phantom Menace had the Duel of Fates.  So. 

(okay, to be fair, TLJ didn’t have Jar Jar so that’s one point in its favor)

In a nutshell:

(cut for spoilers)

THE GOOD

- Poe.  Poe was good. Moar Poe, there was a serious lack of Poe in TFA and it has been rectified, this was a very good decision. 

- The silent scene.  Y’all know the one.  People in my theater literally gasped in unison.  I was bored outta my skull up until then and as soon as I realized what Holdo was about to do, I sat up, all ‘oshit’ and it was amazing.  Beautifully shot, beautifully clever, and the most badass hero death in the SW universe.  Only comes in second in terms of best scene in the movie because the other one involved a more established and beloved character.

- MY SON LUKE KICKING HIS NEPHEW’S ASS LIKE IT AIN’T NO BIG THANG.  In full disagreement over how shit went down between them in the past, but Luke showing Kylo who’s the most goddamn powerful Jedi in the galaxy (which Luke did canonically become in later years btw) was such a rewarding scene.  Also, he was dressed in black.  Like in ROTJ. Because fuck yeah.

- Rey’s parentage.  Most people probably hated that she’s not a Skywalker but I just... kinda loved the suggestion that she was the Force’s answer to Kylo?  It’s happened before with Anakin, so this isn’t exactly new, and Anakin, too, came from ‘nothing.’ I liked it.  She doesn’t have to have illustrious parentage to be important in the series, and as much as I love my Space Drama Queen clan, it’s time the universe moves on from the Kardashians of the galaxy.

- Luke’s death.  I don’t agree with 99% of what went down with Luke in this trilogy, I think it was deeply out of character, but his ending?  That was spot on.  Did I want more out of his storyline? Obviously, but examined in a vacuum, his ending was beautiful to me.  Especially that last scene.  Best scene in the movie from start to end.

- Yoda manipulating the goddamn heavens to rain thunder upon the ancient tree.  Ilu Yoda

- Leia and Holdo discussing Poe.  This was an A+++ short scene. Get it, ladies.

- Snoke is gone, thank the heavens.  Worst-named villain in movie history, I couldn’t stop laughing every time someone said SUPREME LEADER snoke.

- CRYSTAL FOXES OMG

- Luke getting his kicks in that boring-ass island via EXTREME ROD FISHING, lmao the nerd

THE MEH

- So, um... Kylo and Rey?  ....ew? (did they not think Finn and Rey were super cute or)

- So, um... Finn and Rose?  ....ookaaaay? (did they not see Poe biting down on his lip when he saw Finn in his jacket or)

- I don’t really care for ships in this trilogy tbh, whatever.  Guess I’m steering clear from attachment until I know who’s related to whom (THIS IS A DANGEROUS UNIVERSE TO SHIP IN OKAY).  Plus, not really feeling particularly strong toward any couple, just... not Kylo and Rey, ew.

- Rose.  I liked her, but... they hardly gave her anything to do.  That casino storyline was such a mess, made it seem like she was there just to be there.

- Finn’s storyline. Snoozefest.  I like him, but... see above.

- lol wtf happened to Chewie...? He was just... there?

THE BAD

- SPACE-WALKING LEIA.  I’M SORRY, OKAY, I know this scene will be big with many people, and lord knows I wanted to see Space Mom use the Force beyond that Spidey Sense shit, but this was just so dumb. 

- All the ‘humor.’ My god, just... no.  Not every scene needs to be steeped in Whedon-speak, please stahp.  I will admit the first scene got a chuckle out of me, but the rest...

- The ‘plot.’  This was literally an extended car chase scene in space with some Sense8 type shit thrown in. Rey hardly even did any training, ffs.  

- so the force-sensitive member of the trio goes on to be trained by a wise, isolated mentor and finds herself drawn to a place steeped in the dark side and ends up seeing only herself reflected in there, meanwhile the rest of the characters are involved in a chase across the galaxy, running away from the evil empire, and at some point decide to ask for help form a well-known swindler who betrays them and in the end everything seems bleak with just a tiny glimmer of hope. HMMMMMM. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. 

- quite frankly, I’m still in shock Rey finished the film with two fully biological arms

- O hei, look, it’s The Salty planet Hoth.  With pod-racing.

- Really? Rey blushing at shirtless Kylo? Really

- WHERE IS FORCE GHOST ANAKIN TO GO “BINCH I REDEEMED MYSELF IN THE END STOP THIS SHIT, ALSO I DID THIS FIRST AND I DID IT BETTER” TO HIS WANNABE GRANDSON

- The whole damn Casino storyline.  I don’t care if it’s meant to set up something for the last movie (probably not) but it was long, boring, and a clumsily written attempt at a storyline that could’ve been more nuanced and a good addition.

- why did we have to see Luke milk that alien Y

- NOT ONE DECENT LIGHTSABER FIGHT THE FUQ.  

- Leia (and Han in TFA) giving up on her son instead of beating some sense into his ass with a space slipper. Y’ALL KNOW SHE WOULD.  Baaaaad characterization. Space Mom would never.

- Also, fuck whoever decided that Leia, who canonically has the exact same force potential as Luke because they’re twins, never developed her powers beyond Force Sense or whatever.  If you’re not gonna give the woman a lightsaber, at least have her Force Push fools out of her way. 

- Wtf Rey you obliterated that nice alien’s cart and didn’t even apologize they work hard every day you should be ashamed

- why was it meant to be funny when porgs were slapped around wtf

- “what’s that canon?”  “Basically a small death star” kjashKLAFJSHSAJKDFSADFHSAK 

- Kylo. Can he just die, plz, the expanded universe did the Evil Solo son storyline so much better.  Yet another way in which this trilogy is totes an ~*homage*~  No shade on the actor though, he did a great job.  It’s just the violent manchild character I cannot stand.

- So like... we’re never gonna learn what Snoke’s deal was...? Or how he got to Kylo...? ....Okay then.

- This movie was 2 and a half hours long.

[purplesurveys]

788

How long would you have to date someone for before moving in together? I wouldn’t know and I don’t have a good basis for this answer, given that I’ve dated the same person throughout high school and college and we’ve been staying at our parents’ this whole time, and we’ve technically waited it out for six years now. Outside of that, I don’t know how long I’d generally be willing to wait before deciding to move in.

Have you ever taken a meteorology class?   I haven’t. That sounds right up my alley though, and if I wasn’t super particular with my free choice electives I definitely see myself taking a class like this.

What’s your favorite kind of sushi? When it comes to authentic Japanese sushi, I like experimenting with more exotic fish so like uni, unagi, and other less-familiar fish. But I also really like Americanized sushi, especially deep-fried ones with cream cheese and come with some sort of spiced mayo dip.

How much was the last bill that you paid? I’ve never had to pay any sort of bill, but I think the last one that arrived at our house was the electricity bill. Didn’t get a chance to know how much it was though.

Do you ever eat fast food? A few times a month, I’d say. It’s not always my go-to purchase, but if I’m trying to save money or if my orgmates want to get lunch delivered, we would typically go forrrrrr Jollibee, KFC, McDonald’s or Bonchon haha.

What was the cause of the worst low point you’ve had in your life? I had two low points, once in Grade 6 and the second time was in my adjustment to college. Both times I was coming from a place where I had no friends and everyone else did, and I was left having an incredibly hard time fitting in or belonging.

Do you think you’d enjoy being a scientist in Antarctica? Assuming this question assumes that I’m good at science and have a specialization in it, yeah I’d give it a shot. I like the cold and Antarctica has always interested me. I’ve never been to an uninhabited area either, so that aspect would be cool for me as well.

What are some of your favorite types of cheeses? I’m not super well-versed in the types of cheeses, but one time I tried feta and my life was permanently changed for the better lol. Every time we go back to that buffet, I always just dash for their cheese section and get a bunch of feta and bread.

When did you last feel like your privacy was invaded? Last week. It was beginning to feel increasingly wrong for me to keep hiding this Tumblr from my girlfriend so I went ahead and told her about it and explained what it’s all about and what I do here. It’s not her fault because it was my choice after all, but in the first few minutes of it I did feel like I gave up my own privacy and in a sense, made myself feel like it got invaded lmao. Her reaction was great though, she was super chill and didn’t press on knowing my URL because she wanted me to keep this blog as just *my* thing.

Have you ever wanted to be a firefighter? I did, as a kid.

Do your parents volunteer anywhere?   No they don’t.

Did anything out of the ordinary happen yesterday?   My mom went back to work yesterday, and it was oddly calming to have some sense of normalcy again, resentful feelings for her aside.

Do you own more than 50 books? There’s a big chance that I do, but I think the count stops somewhere around 50 as well.

Where were you the last time someone took a picture of you? At the exact same chair I’m sitting on now. That time, I was posing with the box of sushi that Angela surprised me with for my birthday.

Were you born before 1987?   No, I came more than a decade after that.

What was the last thing you misplaced and couldn’t find? The earphones Gabie gave me for Christmas :/ I was so distraught when I couldn’t find it and if I remember correctly I didn’t talk to her for like two days.

Do you have a bachelor’s degree? Not yet. I can almost smell it though.

Have you seen snow in the past 6 months? I haven’t seen snow in 22 years.

How old were you when you became financially independent from your parents? Welp, I’ll update you when I actually am lol.

What were some things that were popular when you were a kid? Game Boy, PSP, Pokemon cards, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, those art sets from the 90s/00s, Legos, Beyblades, High School Musical, the original TeenNick shows... they’re the first ones I remembered off the top of my head.

Have you ever drank Darjeeling tea?   I haven’t, but I have seen The Darjeeling Limited by Wes Anderson and it’s one of my favorite works of his, heh.

When was the last time you turned on your home’s heating? In a country where temperatures can reach 42C and where 27C is cold enough for us to whip out our hoodies, we definitely don’t need heating here.

Does your kitchen have an island? It does not.

Have you ever bought or sold something on Facebook Marketplace? No, I find it sketchy. I prefer closed buy-and-sell groups for the communities that I’m part of, because at least I’m aware of who’s selling and it would be safe if we were to meet up.

Do you know anyone famous enough to have their own Wikipedia page? My great-uncle and a big chunk of my family, maternal grandpa’s side, given that we’re part of a political clan. I also have a number of professors who are well known in the local media industry and they have their own pages too.

You’re having guests over for dinner… what do you cook for them? I’d sweetly ask my dad to make his risotto HAHAHA, because if there’s anyone who can pull off dinner, it’s him.

Have you ever watched The Twilight Zone?   I’ve watched an episode or two back when I was around 10, but given that the Internet was a much smaller place back then, I wasn’t able to find avenues that provided the other episodes.

What has been your most memorable Halloween costume? Dressing up as Sofie last Halloween 2015. It was the most low-effort costume among me and my friends (Chelsea had to buy a pre-made costume of Anna from Frozen and Eva made a frappe costume from scratch) but everyone ended up having a field day over mine lol, even though all I did was wear a little black dress and mess up my hair and make it frizzy as fuck, and wear heavy winged eyeliner, just like Sofie. 

What was the last appointment you had? Opthalmologist appointment.

Are you having a good day today? It’s been nice to me. It’s not too hot this afternoon, my thesis had just gotten 100% approved, and I’m having coffee.