#siblings will be like 'i just want us to be emotionally healthier than our parents' and then say way more hurtful shit about you | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

missmentelle · 4 years ago

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Hey, I'm going through a difficult time with my sister right now, and I was wondering if I could get some advice, as you seem to be good at that.

I feel like I've messed things up with my sister. She barely ever talks to me anymore, and when she does, she criticizes something I'm doing, usually raising her voice, but when I tell her to shut up and leave me alone, I always feel horrible, and I'm worried that I may be driving her away because of that.

The other day, she found out about my boyfriend, and she criticized me for being with him. I tried to ignore her, because I didn't want to hurt her, but it just hurt her more, and she told me off for my behavior.

She's always jealous of me because I get more attention from our parents, even to the point she'd accuse me of being selfish and not caring for her.

I feel like I can't do anything to mend our relationship, as anything I try to do just makes her yell at me and give me the cold shoulder. Is there any advice you could give me for this? I care about her a lot, and I don't want her to hate me.

My first question would be, how old is your sister?

I know it's cliche, but if your sister is in her teens (and it sounds like she is) that could be a potential source of your problem. Sometimes teenage siblings just.... don't get along. Being a teenager is a generally overwhelming experience - you're old enough to want independence, but you're not old enough to actually have it. There are a million pressures on you, but you have very little freedom or power over your circumstances. It's a lot to deal with. Taking out your frustrations on friends, classmates or authority figures isn't really an option, which usually just leaves siblings - as weird as it sounds, the fact that teens often feel safest and most secure with their siblings is the reason that teens often take out their frustrations and insecurities on their siblings. To be clear, though, that definitely doesn’t make it okay. It’s an explanation for her behaviour, but it’s not an excuse.

You mentioned that your parents give you more attention than they give to your sister - I’m curious about that. Is there a particular reason for it? Have your parents ever shown you direct favoritism or directly compared you and your sister? Have they ever told your sister to be more like you, or presented you as a role model? Do you and your sister get unequal amounts of praise? It sort of sounds like your sister has been put in a position where she has to compete with you for your parents’ love - from her perspective, you are sort of an obstacle standing between her and your parents’ attention. If you weren’t around, she’d get more attention, and it sounds like she might resent you for it. Again, it’s not okay for her to take it out on you, and it’s not your fault that your parents aren’t giving their children equal attention, but it sort of shows where she’s coming from. Feeling invisible, feeling like you have to “earn” your parents’ affection, and feeling like the “least favourite child” are all really shitty feelings, and it’s easier for her to take them out on you than to confront your parents directly.

As far as mending the relationship goes, I think it would be a good idea to have a direct conversation with your sister. Pick a time where she seems calm, and isn’t obviously upset about something. This doesn’t have to be a big formal speech - just tell your sister that you’ve noticed things aren’t good lately, that you care about her a lot and that you want to be close again. “Hey, I’ve noticed we’ve been fighting a lot lately and I’m sad about it, I really love you and I don’t want us to fight” is a decent way to start. If face-to-face conversations are tough, you can try talking to her over text or messaging if it’ll make it easier for you both to be emotionally open. If you think the parental favoritism thing is an issue, don’t be afraid to address it directly - “hey, I know mom and dad sometimes pay more attention to me and I know it’s not fair to you”. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and give her space to share her feelings. This doesn’t have to happen all in one conversation - ideally you want to start an ongoing dialogue to get all your issues out in the open and mend the relationship over time.

I think it would also be a good idea to take a genuine interest in her life. It sounds like she’s feeling kind of ignored or second-best, and that sucks. Show her that you are interested in her life - ask her about her day. Remember details of the things she tells you. Ask her opinions on things, and take her opinions seriously. Send her articles or videos or memes that you think she might enjoy. Try to make her feel seen, and like she matters to you. Don’t be overly syrupy or condescending - you don’t want to make her feel like she’s being talked down to or pitied. Just try to be genuine. You don’t have to take everything she says seriously - if she’s being cranky and mean, you don’t have to stand there and agree with her, you can and should just walk away - but try to find time in each day to seek her out and just have a regular conversation with her about something.

I think it’s also important to be patient here. Sometimes these things take time. My younger brother and I hated each other for a few years when we were teenagers, but we’re very close as adults. It seems like we had a lot of the same issues that you and your sister do - I got much better grades than he did in school, with much more involvement in extracurriculars, and he understandably got tired of having parents and teachers constantly compare him to me. Friends, dating and hobbies came a lot easier to me, and it left him frustrated and looking for someone to take it out on - he got in trouble for lashing out at school peers, which basically left him to lash out at me. But things got better for us. We both grew up. He found things that he excelled at, he found healthier ways to get attention, and he developed an identity beyond “MissMentelle’s screw-up brother”. When our relationship was at its lowest point, it seemed like it would never recover, but it did - we grew out of our teenage insecurities, we moved beyond fighting for our parents attention, and we found things to bond over.

Relationships with siblings can be complicated - they are the longest relationships we have in our lives, and they move through many phases. Sibling relationships aren’t like friendships - they are permanent relationships, which means they are the place we end up testing boundaries. If you lash out at your friend, they will stop being your friend. Your sibling can’t stop being your sibling. Sometimes that means we can be much harsher with our siblings than we should be - they’re not going anywhere. Keep working on your relationship with your sister. Don’t let her be mean to you - set boundaries, disengage, walk away - but try to remember that this is something a lot of siblings go through, and remember that your sister’s anger probably isn’t really about you. It sounds like she’s dealing with some stuff right now, and needs an outlet for her feelings - unfortunately, you are the best outlet available, especially during a global pandemic that has limited her contact with her friends. Take care of yourself, try not to let it get you down, and keep trying to have normal conversations with your sister - in all likelihood, this rough patch will pass. Best of luck to you! MM

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bookcoversalt · 5 years ago

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Have you noticed the latest edition of Charlie Bowater can only draw one (1) face? She did The Princess Will Save You and Cast In Firelight both YA Fantasy set to be released this year. And they are how you say... the same fucking cover

Ah yes so you saw the same tweet I did

I know I literally just posted that we cannot outlaw book covers from looking like each other, but ! Oof!

The only thing that softens the blow here is that Charlie has improved at representing nonwhite features such that characters look like POC rather than tan white people, although,, that bar was low. Anybody remember the ACOTAR coloring book.

(Would you have guessed that 2/3 of these people are nonwhite? Or even that they’re supposed to be three different men? I guess all the men in Prythian have the same haircut?)

But that minor victory is mostly lost in the quagmires of the fact that Charlie’s style is to give everyone instagram face:

I wouldn’t even call this “Sameface” necessarily: that implies limitation, that an artist is only capable of drawing a single facial structure competently. Bowater is incredibly technically talented, she just chooses to give everyone catlike fae eyes and the cheekbones of a starving nymph. (My previous post on this here.)

But I don’t really blame her for that, or for these hilariously identical, nearly devoid of personality covers. Artists are allowed to do whatever they want. Artists who make art for covers are being art directed by designers and marketing teams who bear responsibility for how the finished pieces turn out.

No, this is our fault, as a community and an industry and..... society, kind of, for valuing character portraits that are “pretty” (“pretty” being an extremely loaded, culturally subjective concept) over art that actually Says Something About The Story. Bowater’s style happens to dovetail perfectly with what we currently collectively find pretty, and so we’ve put her art on a pedestal at the cost of everything else art can or should do for our stories.

And this is understandable: in contemporary western culture, pretty is a value unto itself. Seeing our characters portrayed as pretty denotes them as special, as smart, as powerful. It’s almost impossible to de-program ourselves from that reaction. There are approximately five kajillion studies on how beautiful people are at personal and professional advantages; how they’re perceived to be happier, healthier, more successful, and how those perceptions can translate into realities. (Nevermind how thinness and whiteness enter that equation, see above note about “pretty”.) I would love to see more “average” or weird- looking characters abound (and be accurately visually represented) in the YA/ Genre lit sphere, but for now... everyone is pretty.

Which sometimes means everyone is pretty boring.

But that’s just the specific, "What’s the deal with Bowater’s success in book circles and her style and all the sameiness” part of this equation. What if we backed up and asked: why character art at all? Beyond a question of “pretty”-ness (and general obvious Artistic Quality), why do we gravitate towards it, what's the purpose of it, how does it fall flat in a general sense, and how can it be utilized more effectively?

This is something I think about all the time. I follow writers on social media (because..... I am a writer on social media, regrettably), and we have an enormous collective boner for character art. “Getting fanart [of the characters]” is one of the achievement pinnacles constantly cited when people get or want to get published. Commissioning character art is something we reward ourselves with, or save up for (WHICH IS GOOD AND CORRECT. FREE ART IS GREAT BUT DO NOT SOLICIT IT. PAY YOUR ARTISTS). And like???? Same????? We love our stories because we’re invested in our characters. Most humans, even prose writers, are visual creatures to some extent, and no matter how happy we are with our text-based art, it’s exciting to see our creations exist in that form. So we turn that art into promo material and we advocate for it on our covers-- because it’s so meaningful to us! It goes with the story perfectly!! Look at my dumb beautiful children!!!!!

But on an emotional level, it’s hard to grasp that it only means something to us. Particularly when you take into account the aforementioned vast landscape of beautiful visual blandness of many characters (in the YA/ genre lit sphere, that’s pretty much all I’m ever talking about), character art can be like baby photos. If you know the baby, if that baby is your new niece or your friend’s kid, if you’ve held them and their parent texts you updates when they do cute shit, you’re probably excited to see that baby photo. But unless it’s exceptionally cute, a random stranger’s baby photo isn’t likely to invoke an emotional reaction other than “this is why I don’t get on facebook.”

Seeing art of characters they don’t know might intrigue a reader, but especially if the characters or art are unremarkable-looking, it’s doing a hell of a lot more for the people who already have an emotional attachment to that character than anybody else. And that’s fine. Art for a small, invested audience is incredibly rewarding. But like the parent who cannot see why you don’t think their baby is THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY IN THE WORLD???? I think we have trouble divesting our emotional reaction to character art from its actual marketing value, which.... is often pretty minimal. This is my hill to die on #143:

Character portraits, even beautiful ones, are meaningless as a marketing tool without additional context or imagery.

I love character art! I’m not saying it should not exist or that it’s worthless! Even art that appeals to only the one single person who made it has value and the right to exist. And part of this conversation is how important for POC to see themselves on covers, whether illustrations or stock imagery, particularly in YA/kidlit. I’m not saying character portrait covers are “bad”.

I am saying that I have seen dozens and dozens of sets of character art for characters who look interchangeable, and it has never driven me to preorder a book. (Also one character portrait for a high-profile 2019 debut that was clearly just a painting of Amanda Seyfriend. You know the one. There’s nothing wrong with faceclaims but lmfao, girl,,,,)

I’m sure that’s not true for everyone! I am incredibly picky about art. It’s my job. There’s nothing wrong with your card deck of cell-shaded boys of ambiguous age and ethnicity who all have the same button nose and smirk if it Sparks Joy for you.

But if your goal is not only to delight yourself, but to sell books, it’s in your best interest to remember that art, like writing, is a form of communication. The publishing industry runs on pitches: querys, blurbs, proposals, self-promo tweets. What if we applied that logic to our visuals? How can we utilize our character design and art to communicate as much about our stories as possible, in the most enticing way?

Social media has already driven the embrace of this concept in a very general sense. Authors are now supposed to have ~ aesthetics. “Picspams” or graphics, modular collages that function as mini moodboards, are commonplace. But the labor intensity and relative scarcity of character art visible in bookish circles, even on covers, means that application of marketing sensibility to it is less intuitive than throwing together a pinterest board.

Since we were talking about it earlier, WICKED SAINTS, as a case study of a recent “successful” fantasy YA debut, arguably owed a lot of its early social media momentum to fanart.

(Early fanart by @warickaart)

The most frequently drawn character, Malachiasz, has long hair, claws, and distinctive face tattoos. WS has a strong aesthetic in general, but those features clearly marked his fanart as him in a way even someone unfamiliar with the book could clearly track across different styles. Different interpretations of his tattoos from different artists even became a point of interest.

(Art by Jaria Rambaran, also super early days of WS Being A Thing)

Aside from distinctiveness, it's a clear visual representation of his history as a cult member, his monstrous powers, and the story’s dark, medieval tone. The above image is also a great example of character interaction, something missing from straightforward portraits, that communicates a dynamic. Character dynamics draw people into stories: enemies-to-lovers, friends-to-lovers, childhood rivals, platonic life partners, love triangles, devoted siblings, exes who still carry the flame-- there’s a reason we codify these into tropes, and integrate that language and shared knowledge into our marketing. For another example in that vein, I really love this art by @MabyMin, commissioned by Gina Chen:

The wrist grip! The fancy outfits! These are two nobles who hate each other and want to bone and I am sold.

In terms of true portraits, the best recent example I can think of is the set @NicoleDeal did for Roshani Chokshi’s GILDED WOLVES (I believe as a preorder incentive of some kind?):

They showcase settings, props, and poses that all communicate the characters’ interests, skills, and personality, as well as the glamorous, elaborate aesthetic of the overall story. Even elements in the gold borders change, alluding to other plot points and symbology.

For painterly accuracy in character portraits on covers, I love SPIN THE DAWN. The heroine looks like a beautiful badass, yes, but the thoughtful, detailed rendering of every element, soft textures, and dynamic, fluid composition form a really cohesive, stunning illustration that presents an intriguing collection of story elements.

The devil isn’t always in the details, though: stark, moody, highly stylized or graphic art with an emphasis on textural contrast and bold color and shape rather than representational accuracy can communicate a lot (emotionally and tonally) while pretty much foregoing realism.

The new Lunar Chronicles covers are actually the best examples I found of this (Trying to stay within the realm of existing bookish art rather than branch into All Art Of Human Figures Forever):

Taking cues from styles more typical of the comics and video game industries. (Games and comics, as visual mediums, are sources of incredible character art and I highly recommend following artists in those industries if you want to See More Cool Art On Your Timeline.)

TL;DR: Character art and design, as a marketing tool (even an incidental one) should be as unique to your story and your characters as possible, and tell us about the story in ways that make us want to read it. I tried to give examples because there are so many ways to do this, and so many different kinds of art, and I could give many more! But I’m bored now. So to circle all the way back:

These are not just bad because they look like each other, although that is embarrassing and illuminating. These are bad covers (although,,,,, PRINCESS is the far worse offender, at least FIRELIGHT suggests a thoughtful cultural analogue) because a desire for Pretty Character Art overrode the basic cover function to tell us about the story. We get no sense of who these people are, what their relationships are, what these books are about beyond the most general genre, or why we might care. The expressions are vague, the characters generic-looking, the compositions uninteresting and the colors failing to be indicative of anything in particular.

They’re somebody else’s baby pictures.

(And yes, that’s the CRUEL PRINCE font on PRINCESS. I better not have to do a roundup post but it’s on thin fucking ice.)

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brainrotmeta · 3 years ago

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You are so so annoying. I don’t care if you ship wincest or if you think it’s validated by the text or if you think it’s a fun way to view the show! good for you! I don’t expect you to stop shipping wincest but you coming onto active deancas fans posts that you WERE NOT TAGGED IN is so weird and honestly a violation of boundaries! You aren’t even sending asks so it’s just you and their audience you’re showing these people who didn’t even mention you and putting them in front of your audience of wincest fans?????

Actually while I’m being a hashtag hater let me just say the way you Own The Hellers by being like Cas and Dean are not gay. Cas isn’t even gay. If anyone is gay it’s Dean and Sam. Ummmm but Dean is straight it’s just allegorical wincest to showcase a messed up relationship in a horror show. But I will still use this as combative evidence to trash anyone who likes Dean and Cas’ relationship ☺️

Like. I don’t care if you ship wincest. But you are interacting with people who didn’t even ask with your frankly dumbfuck meta. If you think Sam and Dean are in an emotionally incestuous relationship, that’s fine. I even agree with you! Very much, actually, and I agree that is good for horror aspects because it’s uncomfortable and requires a restructuring of the relationship as the show goes on that I find very interesting and compelling!

What I don’t get is why you use this in your responses to Destiel fans when you’re owning them with your Reading Comprehension 101. Because it’s one thing for you to like, be vagueing or whatever. Or doing this fucking debunking on your own with other wincesties who agree with your analysis, like clowning on the hellers. You are trying to start a dialogue with people not working from your same incest shipping framework and it makes me like. Lmao. you look dumb!

I was actually in a semi emotionally incestuous relationship with my sibling who I had to somewhat parent. Go to family counseling with them and everything about it. (we are normal now and I care about them very much). It’s not incest like sexual attraction or even being committed to each other platonically in a way that sublimates attraction or desire! Sam and Dean in early seasons are for sure for sure emotionally incestuous in many aspects (not all I don’t think though) In later seasons they slip back into it when shit is hitting the fan and the regression is great for horror, because it’s uncomfortable, like you said. You aren’t wrong about that in any way.

But it’s so fucking STUPID to think this works counter to Destiel. To be clear I am a big fan of Deancas. I think it’s validated by the text. I don’t care to go into it right now with you, because I’m just astounded that graduate from supernatural studies and the decider of what is Correct and Textual over here has such shitty shallow takes and delivery about the textual incest, which you’d think a wincest shipper would be good at! But no you’re awful. it’s not even interesting. Watching the brothers get better a little and then just nosedive back into insane emotional incest when things go wrong and it never getting better until the relationship is just super bad is… I can see why that would be compelling for some. it’s horror. it’s a valid way to recontextualize the show and I am not even mad about it! But it’s not what happens in canon

Their emotional incest as the show goes on gets better, not worse. Deancas in this context compels me a lot, and it’s part of the reason I like it so much but I won’t go into that unless you’re curious or want to yell at me about how stupid it is and ask. But it compels me because I want Dean and Sam to get better in the incest aspect, and I want their relationship to improve. Dean is abusive largely in other ways by the end of the show and I enjoy it because it’s fucked up and interesting. I’ll even throw you the bone that the finale takes a super sharp twist back into emotional incest and it’s insane and compels me! It has a very unreality feel to it and I enjoy it.

I went on so long here but TLDR I think you sound really REALLY stupid talking about Dean and Sams emotional incest as some kind of own to the hellers. they can coexist and in my opinion make each other even more interesting to engage with (textually!! even just friendship. it’d still fascinate me if they were platonic). If you want to be mr Shapiro of supernatural tumblr I’m begging you to at least make even an ounce of sense because your ‘meta’ isn’t interesting in the least. it’s fucking boring and frankly insulting! As someone who has dealt with emotional incest (this isn’t important like I’m also uncomfortable with your literal incest shipping but it isn’t about me and I don’t expect you to like. Stop posting about it just because I say I’m uncomfortable)

You are so so annoying.

fair

you coming onto active deancas fans posts that you WERE NOT TAGGED IN is so weird and honestly a violation of boundaries!

If you post something in public, especially something tagged meta, you're inviting people to respond to it. It's not a violation of boundaries, it's just shitty web design. People can and have blocked me. Which is good. Less destiel nonsense to run into when I'm trying to enjoy spiderman gifs or something.

You aren’t even sending asks so it’s just you and their audience you’re showing these people who didn’t even mention you and putting them in front of your audience of wincest fans?????

I actually think most of my followers are DeanCas shippers rubbernecking.

Anyway I'm cutting this for length

Cas isn’t even gay. I've actually stated that I think that while Castiel's confession was plausibly deniable, I think a romantic reading was the one with the most merit. Can you at least drag me for stuff I said? Unless you're going mad as hell that I pointed out angelic gender doesn't map onto human gender?

If anyone is gay it’s Dean and Sam. I haven't stated my opinion on Sam's sexuality.

But I will still use this as combative evidence to trash anyone who likes Dean and Cas’ relationship. I don't care if you like Dean and Cas' relationship. I'm annoyed by massive misreading, in particular trying to fit Cas into Sam's narrative role.

But you are interacting with people who didn’t even ask with your frankly dumbfuck meta. No one has the right to universal praise when they post meta.

What I don’t get is why you use this in your responses to Destiel fans when you’re owning them with your Reading Comprehension 101. I don't, as a general rule. I often have to bring in Sam because of Destiel meta's annoying habit of trying to replace Sam and Cas' roles.

Because it’s one thing for you to like, be vagueing or whatever. Or doing this fucking debunking on your own with other wincesties who agree with your analysis, like clowning on the hellers. I'm disagreeing with people's meta posts.

You are trying to start a dialogue with people not working from your same incest shipping framework and it makes me like. Lmao. you look dumb! I usually don't even bring up the wincest lens. It's only important to episodes like Sex and Violence. But most of my asks are people angry I'm acknowledging the intended subtext written/directed/acted in the show.

Their emotional incest as the show goes on gets better, not worse. ...no it doesn't. Season ten ends with Dean mock executing Sam and Sam releasing the darkness to save Dean. What happens it that Sam becomes more passive and less likely to resist Dean's controlling nature. Jack becomes the big sticking point because Sam might not be willing or able fight for himself (as much) anymore, but he tries to fight for Jack.

I mean, yeah, there are highs and lows in season 12-15, and it never gets as bad as season 9. But I think Sam and Dean in season 1-2 are waaaaay healthier than Sam and Dean in season 14, where Dean pressures Sam to tick Jack into a box to live out eternity.

Deancas in this context compels me a lot, and it’s part of the reason I like it so much but I won’t go into that unless you’re curious or want to yell at me about how stupid it is and ask. Go ahead.

I think you sound really REALLY stupid talking about Dean and Sams emotional incest as some kind of own to the hellers. No. It's funny to point out all the Incest Content in the canon to people who pearl clutch and threaten to kill people who enjoy said content.

I’m begging you to at least make even an ounce of sense because your ‘meta’ isn’t interesting in the least. it’s fucking boring and frankly insulting I'm not convinced you actually read it seeing as you are pointing to things I never said.

I’m also uncomfortable with your literal incest shipping I'm uncomfortable with Destiel Hot Takes. I made a side blog to complain and you write to me anonymously. I feel like we're both living our best lives here.

#anti destiel

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one-abuse-survivor · 5 years ago

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(TW: anorexia? I think) So I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my weight. When I was really young I would refuse to drink anything but breast milk and it got so bad that a normal stomach bug got me hospitalized. Later on I became depressed largely due to what I think was my mother being verbally and emotionally abusive. This caused me to use food as a coping mechanism, I was constantly eating and when I wasn’t I was chewing on either my cheeks or nails. Luckily my parents got (1/?)

me a therapist who helped break the habit. However I was still fat, and because of my depression, rather lazy. So sophomore year of high school (I’m going to graduate in 2022) I started skipping meals. I was eating breakfast at lunchtime, eating lunch at around 3 and completely skipping dinner. My therapist basically called it a borderline eating disorder. Luckily I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation before it got worse and I recovered there. Now throughout all this my parents weren’t (2/?)

really helpful. Before they were aware of my starving myself they would mention my weight fairly often, even complementing me on my sudden weight loss. The problem though was that even after the hospitalization and finding out about the starving they still mentioned how much I was eating (even though my 10 year old brother gets the same serving size as me). I told them to stop mentioning food/calories/exercise/weight in general citing my fear of relapse. Yet they still continue. (3/?)

I’m aware that I’m fat, I’m aware that it’s not good for me, but personally I’d rather be the most obese person ever than go through that again. Hell my mom not a week ago mentioned that with my butt and my breast I would have an amazing body if I just lost some weight. And yes she’s constantly complementing my butt and breasts even though she knows I abhor them. And at first I thought maybe I was the one who was thinking about weight too much (4/?)

but I KNOW it’s not just me because now my underweight 10 year old brother wants to go on a diet. When I asked him why he said that he WANTS to be underweight. And thinking about it I’ve might be partly to blame because I mention how much he eats whenever my parents mention my weight, but when I do that it’s trying to prove the opposite point, that me and my 13 year old sister should be eating more than a ten year old. Idk maybe I’m crazy, (5/?)

maybe my parents are right and I am a fatass, but like, I’ve asked them nicely to not mention it. I’ve told them why. And being honest I think that they’re projecting their own self body hatred onto us. And I’m sick of it. I’m trying to lose weight but it’s hard to not fall back into bad habits at the same time. At one point during one of our talks about weight I proposed that I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full, reasonable right? (6/?)

Well my parents found that ridiculous. Listen to what your body is telling you? Ridiculous. Later the same day my dad told me not to accustom my body to feeling full. Like wtf?! You shouldn’t tell that to anybody, let alone someone who might relapse into a borderline eating disorder! Again, I know I need to lose weight, and I’m trying, I’m 185 lbs at like 5’4. But they just mention it so often I can’t help but feel like they care more about my looks than my health! (8/?)

I go swimming daily despite fearing covid and I’m eating less but it’s just never enough for them! I’m trying I really am. I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I just give in and starve myself again? Would they notice? Maybe I’m just a fatass who needs to stop making excuses. Maybe they’re right. But it can’t just be me if my siblings are feeling the pressure too right? Idk, I’m getting an eating disorder specialist soon but I just needed an outside pov sooner than that. Thanks. (9/9)

-----

I am really, really sorry that your parents have put you through all of this 😔 they are not in any way, shape or form right, and they do indeed sound like they care more about your physical appearance than your physical, mental, and psychological well-being. And you have every right to be sick of it! No one deserves to hear those kinds of comments or to live around people who think your worth as a person depends on your weight (it doesn’t). Also, your mom’s comments about your body and how “amazing” it could potentially look according to her are completely inappropriate. You shouldn’t have to care about whether you have an amazing-looking body or not. And the fact that they’re projecting their own issues onto you and your siblings does not excuse or justify the harm they have caused and are causing in any way.

It’s okay to be fat. It’s also okay to pay attention to what your body needs in order to live a healthier life with the guidance of doctors/profssionals that you can trust regardless of your weight (for example, I have really bad back pains and I’m trying to stretch my back every day like my osteopath recommended so it doesn’t bother me as much). What’s not okay is what your parents are doing: ignoring the boundaries that you explicitly asked them to respect and hurting you knowingly, and constantly reminding you that they would rather have a dangerously sick kid that hates themselves than a healthy, happy fat one.

You shouldn’t even be trying to exercise more and eat less without consulting a professional first (one that isn’t biased about weight, too, because many of them are 🙁), and much less during a pandemic, where going swimming could expose you to the virus. You shouldn’t have to put yourself through diets and unwanted exercise and the sensation of “never feeling full” just because the people around you refuse to respect you based on your body type. Fat doesn’t always equal unhealthy, and even if it did, being unhealthy NEVER equals being deserving of less respect than others, being worthless, or deserving to be shamed for living your life like any other person. And I completely agree with you in that I’d rather you--or anyone else--was obese than go through the hell they put you through.

I really hope your appointment with your ed specialist goes/went well! ❤

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polyadvice · 5 years ago

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Is it okay that people often de-prioritize non sexual or romantic relationships in favor of sexual or romantic ones?

As a reminder, I’m celebrating 1,000 posts by taking a break from polyamory related questions and taking questions about literally anything else. Submit your non-polyam questions here! You can blacklist the tag “1kcelebration” if you don’t want non-polyamory-related posts on your dash.

I'm curious about your opinion on people putting less effort into their friendships when they are in a relationship than they do when they aren't in one. Do you feel like it's just a thing that people do that we should accept or do you think we should be maintaining effort in our friendships no matter our relationship status? Are there circumstances where it seems ok to you and other circumstances where it doesn't?

(This was sent as a “question not about polyamory,” but it touches on a major cornerstone of my relationship anarchist philosophy, so it ended up being partly on-topic, which makes it off-topic for this week. Oh well!)

I do not think this is appropriate under any circumstances! This is why I’m a strong believer in relationship anarchy. Our culture has a lot of arbitrary and prescribed ‘boxes’ for relationships, which make no sense and are not healthy for people. I believe we would live much healthier lives if we lived in communities where all roles and all relationships are honored and recognized.

It is so odd to me that we are expected to think that “wanting to live with someone,” “wanting to be sexually intimate with someone,” “wanting to share large-scale life projects like making a home and raising children with someone,” and “feeling emotionally connected and intimate with someone” and “sharing hobbies and fun interests with someone” are all supposed to collapse into the same feeling, which we’re only supposed to have for one person! And that we’re supposed to prioritize this magical, all-encompassing relationship over all other ones! Our society is set up to privilege and prioritize romantic relationships - everything from adoption and child custody to health insurance to renting and buying property.

It’s nonsense. And it’s dangerous - the “nuclear family” model keeps people isolated, puts vulnerable people at a higher risk for abuse, and it isn’t how humans evolved to live. Conflating sexual interest with romantic interest with lifelong commitment creates patterns of misplaced loyalty, where people will protect a sexual-romantic relationship at all costs, even their own happiness, safety, or other relationships. It also does a disservice to deeply intimate relationships that are not sexual or romantic in nature. Making large scale life changes or commitments for a romantic partner? Totally normal. Doing the same for a close friend or sibling? Very confusing to people.

It also makes it harder for people to be healthy and intentional and self-aware about friendships. What if one is abusive? We don’t have language or support resources for abuse that isn’t in the context of a sexual-romantic relationship. What about when one ends or needs to end? We have language around “breakups,” but we don’t have healthy tools for talking about or grieving the loss of a different type of relationship.

Imagine a world where we were free to let relationships be what they want and need to be, without forcing them into unnecessary patterns. What if the person we like to have sex with isn’t the best person for us to raise kids with, so we co-parent with someone else? What if we feel a strong sense of commitment and love for someone, but don’t want a romantic relationship with them - but we can honor and recognize our deep love regardless? How wonderful would that be!

#1kcelebration

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harvardessayexamples774 · 4 years ago

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About me

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Write My Essay For Me Service I go searching my room, dimly lit by an orange light. On a desk within the left corner, a framed image of an Asian family is beaming their smiles, buried among US history textbooks and The Great Gatsby. A Korean ballad streams from a pair of tiny computer speakers. Before the pandemic, many people were already engaging in a type of social distancing. The present state of affairs put the world on pause, however this pause gave me time to replicate on troubling issues. Time that so many others like me in all probability also desperately needed to heal without even knowing it. Sometimes it takes one’s world falling apart for essentially the most beautiful mosaic to be constructed up from the broken pieces of wreckage. Over time, I found it difficult being my family’s glue. I wanted again the household I had earlier than the restaurant--the one which ate Luchi Mongsho collectively every Sunday evening. Over the subsequent two years, issues were at times nonetheless onerous, however progressively improved. Now my pals in Switzerland come to me asking me for advice and assist, and I really feel as if I am a significant member of our community. My close good friend Akshay just lately started stressing about whether or not his dad and mom have been going to get divorced. With John’s advice, I started checking in on Akshay, spending more time with him, and coaching him before and after he talked to his parents. I started spending more time in our garage, carefully setting up planes from sheets of foam. I found purpose balancing the fuselage or leveling the ailerons to precisely ninety levels. The chicken--confused, betrayed, disturbed--slowly lifts its eyes from the now empty floor. For the first time, it appears past the silver fence of the cage and notices an unkempt sweep of colossal brown and inexperienced grasses reverse its impeccably crafted surroundings. Cautiously, it inches closer to the barrier, farther from the unbelievable perfection of the farm, and discovers a large sea of black gravel. Stained with gray stones and marked with yellow traces, it separates the chicken from the opposite subject. In this new place I really feel like an actual particular person, with real feelings. This place is someplace the place I can express myself freely and be who I need to be. I am a much stronger, healthier, and more resilient particular person than I was two years in the past. While it hasn’t been easy, I am glad to be the place I am at present. On the wall within the far back, a Korean flag hangs in addition to a Led Zeppelin poster. As with rock-paper-scissors, we often cut our narratives short to make the games we play simpler, ignoring the intricate assumptions that maintain the game running smoothly. Like rock-paper-scissors, we have a tendency to accept one thing not as a result of it’s true, but because it’s the handy route to getting issues accomplished. We accept incomplete narratives once they serve us well, overlooking their logical gaps. Other times, we exaggerate even the smallest defects and uncertainties in narratives we don’t want to deal with. Leaving home in the beginning of my adolescence, I was sent out on a path of my own. While for some, highschool is the most effective time of their lives, for me, highschool has represented a few of the finest and, hopefully, worst occasions. Even with the struggles I’ve confronted with my household, I am grateful for this path. It has brought me to a place that I solely thought was fictional. I liked chopping new parts and assembling them perfectly. But at occasions I nonetheless needed to emotionally assist my mother to avoid sudden India trips, or put my siblings to bed if my mother and father weren’t house at night. Pamphlets of American schools are scattered about on the floor. A chilly December wind wafts a wierd infusion of ramen and leftover pizza. I guess the reasoning behind this recreation has so much to do with context. If we are to rationalize the logic behind this sport, we've to imagine some kind of narrative, an instance during which paper would possibly beat rock. Unfortunately, I can’t argue for a convincing one. I analyze why I suppose this essay works in The Complete Guide, Session 6.

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endlessly-elizabeth · 6 years ago

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Body image. A topic that I find, like many of you, difficult to talk about sometimes. Let me start by saying this: my body is nowhere near “perfect” and it never will be. What is perfection anyways? Being slender? Being curvy? Slim thicc? Everyone is attracted to different traits, body types, hair colors, etc. It’s all about preference. I’ve battled with myself for far too long about body image and it’s taken me years to try to be body positive. I’m still not happy with where I am, but I’m amazed with how far I’ve come.

I’ve never been “skinny.” I was a chubby baby and it didn’t stop there. My brother called me fat on a daily basis when I was growing up. My grandpa told me if I kept eating as much as I was, I was going to look like my mother one day. My grandmother told my mom I had large thighs. One of my childhood friends told me I had cellulite (well, we didn’t know what cellulite was back then. She referred to it as “dimples”). Classmates made snide comments about my weight and/or my appearance during the years that I craved acceptance the most. Once all of these flaws were brought to my attention, it was hard for me to ignore them.

In some ways, I had a normal childhood like everyone else. I grew up in a nice neighborhood, I always had kids my own age to play with, and I did well in school. I didn’t have many hobbies outside of having play dates, spending time outside, and writing in a diary before I went to bed at night...but I still felt happy and fulfilled. My parents stayed married and kept any kind of problems they may have had private. I had a brother I could always play video games or watch tv with. I had a great group of friends. Life truly was as easy and loving as it could have been for me. Until my brother got sick.

I don’t want to draw too much attention to it or get to personal with these stories, because I don’t want people to look at me any differently. But my brother used to hit me...a lot. And over the smallest things. He seemed very much unlike himself. His demeanor would change like the flip of a switch and he could go from being perfectly content to aggressively angry. Most of the time, he took his anger out on me. I was the closest person in proximity to him, so I was, unfortunately, an easy target. I’m also three years younger than him.

I distinctly remember one of my friends coming over to the house when my parents weren’t home, and my brother was on the computer. We asked him if we could use it--I wanted to show her how to create a new AIM screen name (holy throwback!). He repeatedly told me no. I threatened to call our mom (wasn’t that how you got your siblings to do anything when you were kids?). He rose from the chair and started wailing on me until I fell to the ground. He hovered over me and continued to hit me, despite how much I was crying out in pain. My friend jumped on the couch and started yelling at him, saying she was going to call the police if he didn’t stop. We were both hysterical--my friend hysterical with fear, and I was hysterically in pain. I don’t remember anything after that, honestly. I probably tried to block in out from my memory.

He used to threaten me not to tell my parents. I listened to him because I didn’t want to be in pain again. I had tried telling my parents before...I don’t know if they were in denial, or if they just thought it was normal sibling behavior. Eventually, my parents started witnessing more of the pent up anger he had and took him to see a child counselor. He seemed to be handling his anger better but things took a turn for the worse. His health seemed to be declining. My parents had to keep an extra set of clothes at school for him because he had suddenly lost his ability to tell when he had to go to the bathroom. He was late to school one day and when my dad and I went to drop him off, we watched him hook his arm through one of the straps, and when he went to do the second one, he just completely fell over. We went to our doctor and she was watching him walk in a straight line. “Pick up your foot!” I had said to him. There was one foot that seemed to be dragging behind the other.

I don’t remember all of the details, but it turned out that he did have a serious medical problem. He had a cyst that hung off of his spinal cord that was affecting his balance, and he had a brain tumor. The next year or two were hard. He had to have emergency surgery that left me to be shuffled between different friends and family’s houses. I had to have out-of-state family members stay with me so he could see specialists in New York. He was in the hospital and a rehabilitation center for a long time, and eventually had to move in with my grandpa because his spinal surgery caused him to have to relearn how to walk again. Our grandpa’s house was a rancher-style and the only steps were to get into the basement.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you this. During the years that this was happening, my brother and I were both at ages where our brains were actively growing. It was the time when our perception of who we were as people began to form. I felt abandoned at that time--by my family for leaving me behind and keeping me out of the loop. I felt like they cared more about him than they did me, (Of course, I realize now that the problems were bigger than me--they almost lost him and needed to tend to him. Putting me with friends and other family members was the best avenue they could’ve taken, without having to pull me from school.) My life seemed chaotic. I was being teased by classmates about his medical problems and how I probably had them, too.

Everything seemed to normalize once my brother moved back home, but he was never the same. The loving relationship we had before his medical problems began to surface had completely disintegrated. He was bitter that I had a normal life and wasn’t plagued by the same hardships he faced. It created a resentment that was almost palpable. He still let anger consume him and he’d make me his punching bag. While it wasn’t necessarily physical anymore, he still made an effort to hurt me with his words. He made me feel worthless by calling me fat and ugly.

I carried the weight of my childhood and turned to eating as a source of comfort. Food was something that I could always rely on. So, when my brother or my classmates made me feel bad, I ate. And ate. And probably ate some more. This certainly didn’t help me with my self-esteem or my body image. I was definitely chubby, but I wouldn’t say I was ever “fat.” I think the most I ever weighed was 170, which is embarrassing to admit now. But guys didn’t like me. They thought I was nerdy and couldn’t be bothered to get to know me because of my appearance. Looking back, I think I attribute my relationship with my brother to my fear of men. I was uncomfortable being around them one on one to the point where I’d get physically sick. I guess that explains my nonexistent dating life in high school and college...Here’s a super personal fact about me: I was so afraid of guys and the idea of being physically intimate with someone, I didn’t kiss anyone until I was twenty-one. Yes, you heard that correctly. Thank goodness for that one guy I allowed myself to take a chance on and who was super patient with me.

Those years were hard. Both emotionally and mentally draining. Once I graduated college, I made an active effort to eat better and to shed some of that weight. I wanted to grow into a confident, happy version of myself who wasn’t afraid of male attention. I wanted to like what I saw in the mirror. Being out of school absolutely helped me make better food choices--I wasn’t constantly surrounded by french fries, burgers, milkshakes, etc. I started feeling mentally healthier once I became more physically active. Now, mind you, my weight still fluctuates to this day. But I am proud to say that I am thirty pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest, and I’ve grown to be more body positive. I don’t shy away from clothing that hugs my body anymore. I used to be petrified to wear shorts in public because I have cellulite on my legs, but I started showing more of my body off two years ago and I’ve realized that I am my own worst critic. I know that the cellulite is there, so I assume that everyone else is staring at it as heavily as I was, but they’re not. Can they see the little dimples on my legs when I wear shorts or dresses? Sure. Is it the most appealing thing to look at? No. But, I’m fucking human. I have cellulite, who the fuck cares?

I used to let it RUN my life. I would only go “so far” with a guy because I didn’t want him to see me entirely naked. I was afraid that if a guy saw that I had cellulite on my legs (and butt, let’s be honest), that it would somehow make me less attractive or less lovable in his eyes. I constantly told myself I wasn’t good enough for someone who was very physically fit because I’m not toned and have those little dimples. I criticized myself to the point where I felt ugly. I still have that cellulite. My legs still jiggle every time I walk, but you know what? I don’t care as much. I truly believe that I suffered from that ugly duckling syndrome. I finally became the swan when I began taking care of myself. I’m on my feet for at least five hours a day at my job. I was exercising multiple times a week before my back started hurting, so that is something that I slowly want to bring back into my routine. I gave up Dunkin Donuts, bread, and pizza for lent, and I feel so much better. I haven’t quite seen the weight loss that I’ve been looking for, but I feel more energized. I enjoy making healthier food choices. I enjoy curling my hair, wearing makeup, and wearing a dress that shows off my very imperfect body. I’m tired of trying to attain perfection or feeling bad about myself when I scroll through my social media apps and realize that my body is painfully average. I’m still a damn queen, even with a couple extra dimples. It’s about time I start acting like it!

#personal #body image #about me #me

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anycontentposter · 5 years ago

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How to Make Your Child Feel Absolutely Loved: 75 Positive Words for Kids

Inside: Get a free printable list of the most powerful positive words for kids, plus the pitfalls to avoid when it comes to positive things to say to your child.

After I tuck my kids into bed every night, I collapse on the couch, close my eyes, and sigh.

Unfortunately, with four kids, I get about 2.7 seconds of peace before one of them asks for another drink of water, needs an extra hug, or remembers a month-long school project that’s due tomorrow.

But after a few turns on the bedtime merry-go-round, I can finally sink back into the couch.

That’s when the replay of our day starts in my head. It’s like a 10x sped-up video, but every time my mouth opens to say something to my kids, the video slows down so I can hear myself.

“Put your shoes away.” “Your room is a mess!” “Stop bugging your sister.” “You haven’t brushed your teeth yet?”

My own personal highlight reel of nagging and negativity, directed at the people I love most in the world.

The weight of my words crushes my chest, and my mind scrambles to remember: when did I say something loving, something sweet, anything positive?

Was I so focused on treading water in a neverending sea of parental to-dos – getting snacks, folding laundry, mediating sibling squabbles – that I forgot to tell my children how much I love them?

My kids deserve better. They deserve to hear every single day that no matter what road bumps we hit, I feel lucky to be on this lifelong road trip with them.

Bonus: As a bonus for joining my weekly newsletter, download a free cheat sheet of the 75 most powerful positive words for kids, plus three important pitfalls to avoid when it comes to positive things to say to your child.

But Here’s the Problem

It’s heartbreaking to think that your child’s last thought after you tuck them in at night and before they fall asleep may be: Is Mommy mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Does Daddy still love me?

What’s more, lack of connection with your child also leads to more unnecessary power struggles and less cooperation from your child when you ask them to clean their toys up, to help empty the dishwasher, or to stop chewing their food like a cow with a megaphone.

But as parents in today’s world, we have a lot on our plates. Because of that, it’s easy to get so wrapped up in the daily struggles of parenting that you forget to stop and tell your child how much you love them.

When you have too much to do and too little time to do it, you’re in survival mode not nurturing mode. And those positive sayings for kids like “You’re important to me” and “I love you to the moon and back” that our children crave from us? They go unsaid.

How Important Is It to Share Positive Words for Kids?

Recently, I came across this quote from a doctor and author who specializes in childhood development and trauma:

“Love felt by the parent does not automatically translate into love experienced by the child.” – Gabor Maté

In other words, those positive messages for kids don’t work when you just think them to yourself after your kids are tucked into bed. You need to actually say them out loud.

I realized it was time for a change.

Because the research is crystal clear that when kids feel warmth and affection from their parents, that has a life-long positive impact on the child.

Not only do kids with affectionate parents do better in school and develop a healthy self-esteem, they also end up emotionally happier and less anxious as adults. Parental warmth even has an impact on your child’s physical health.

And so the important question is: When you’re busy and overwhelmed and just impaled your left foot on a stray LEGO, how can you remember to say out loud all the positive things you should say to your child to remind them of your unconditional love?

Related: How to Connect With Your Child: The Magic of the 5:1 Ratio Printable

Here’s a Quick Fix for Every Busy Parent

This is easy to forget in the hustle and bustle of parenting life, so I decided to set up a visual cue. Something to serve as a gentle reminder for me to switch out of survival mode a few times a day and fill my children’s tank with unconditional love.

Because when you’re trying to stick to a habit, research shows that a visual cue can remind you of your intention when you’re most likely to forget it. For example:

If you set a goal to eat healthier, you could leave a neon bright Post-It Note on your fridge to remind yourself that “Snack = veggies only.” Or if you wanted to stick to an exercise routine every morning, you could set your workout clothes on your nightstand the night before.

For my visual cue, I made a nice printable list of all the positive things to say to your child to show them you love them. I can stick this list of positive words for kids on my fridge, tape it to my bathroom mirror, or leave it on the driver’s seat of my car as a reminder every time we get in the car to go somewhere.

Below, you can download this free printable list of positive messages for kids as a visual cue for yourself.

Related: 7 Best Family Bonding Games That Will Help You Reconnect Quickly

75 Most Powerful Positive Sayings for Kids

Download your free printable list of the most powerful positive words for kids here right now. Then every time you see your printable list, say one of these positive messages for kids to make your child feel absolutely loved.

Don’t forget to download the printable so you also get the list of three important pitfalls to avoid when it comes to delivering these positive sayings for kids!

A quick caveat: You won’t find phrases like “You’re so smart” to praise your child’s abilities on this list because that kind of praise can undermine your child’s motivation and even foster narcissism in your child. To learn more, check out Here’s the Secret Phrase to Turn Your Kid Into an Amazing Student. (Hint: It’s not “You’re so smart.”)

You are important to me. I love spending time with you. You make me smile. I love you no matter what. (This one is made even more special if you first read the beautiful children’s book No Matter What together!) I feel so lucky to be your mom/dad. I’m proud of the person you are. I love you from your toes to your nose to where your hair grows! (For extra giggles, touch your child’s toes when you say “toes,” their nose when you say “nose,” and the top of their head when you say the last line!) You are beautiful to me, inside and out. I thought of you today when… (Finish with a specific time during the day that you thought of your child.) I like you. (Even if you say “I love you” regularly, does your child know you like them too?) Sometimes if I’m feeling sad, just thinking of you makes me feel better. You can always talk to me, even if it’s about something that makes you nervous or scared or sad. I love to watch you… (Then give an activity your child enjoys, like play soccer, get wrapped up in reading a book, make art, play your clarinet, and so on.) You make my heart feel full. I appreciate when you… (Finish with a specific example of something your child does that’s helpful or kind.) You’re one of a kind. I care about you more than you can imagine. I’m grateful that you’re in my life. I love your insides and your outsides! I’m here for you, no matter what happens. I’d love to hear what you think about… (Then ask your child’s opinion on something that matters, like what to have for dinner, what to do on the weekend, where to go on your next family vacation, and so on.) My world is better with you in it. I noticed you working hard on… (Finish with a specific example when you noticed your child pushing themselves to learn or grow or finish something.) I believe in you. I saw when you… (Then give a specific example of your child doing something helpful or kind.)

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I love hearing your ideas. You make a difference in my life. I love seeing the world through your eyes. Seeing you happy makes me happy. You matter to me. I hope you have an awesome day today. Anytime you need help, I’m here for you. I love you just the way you are. You are a precious treasure to me. I respect you and your opinions. We’re a team, you and me. I love being your mom/dad. Sometimes I look at you and think back to when you were younger, and… (Finish with a specific memory of when your child was younger.) There’s only one you in the world. I love your laugh/smile. Nothing would ever make me stop loving you. It’s you I like. Every part of you. (Perfect for fans of Mister Rogers!) You’re an important part of this family. It’s exciting to watch you grow up. I’m so grateful you’re my daughter/son. You can always come to me, no matter what. I love you more than… (Then give a specific example like more than all the stars in the sky, more than all the fish in the sea, more than cupcakes love sprinkles, and so on – feel free to come up with silly examples too!) I will always be there for you. Being your parent is my favorite part of life. You are special to me. Thank you so much for doing… (Finish with a specific example of an action your child took.) You make life fun. I love being around you, no matter what we’re doing. You are my favorite 5-year-old. I love you to the moon and back. (Or you can take this one step further by adding on, like “I love you to the moon, past the end of our solar system, to the next galaxy over and to every other galaxy in the universe, to the alien planet no one knows about yet, and all the way back home.”) I’m a fan of you. (This one is inspired by our favorite pick for family movie night, We Bought a Zoo.) I love when we learn something new together. I’m never too busy for you. You light up my day. That was a kind decision when you… (Then give a specific example of something your child did that was kind.) I have fun when I’m with you. I love you more than French fries. (Or insert your favorite food like pizza or cupcakes.) Seeing you smile makes me smile. You’ll never get in trouble for talking to me about something that’s bothering you. I feel blessed to have you in my life. You inspire me to be a better person. Even if I’m feeling frustrated about something, I still love you. I love the way your mind works. You make me happy, just by being you. I wouldn’t trade you for a million gabazillion dollars. I love you when… or… (Finish with two very different examples, like “I love you when you feel brave or scared” or “I love you when you’re serious or silly.” The inspiration for this one came from the sweet children’s book called The I Love You Book.) I miss you when we’re apart. (Or you can go for the over-the-top version, “I miss you when I blink,” which is also the name of a funny memoir from a mom about trying to do it all). You can always tell me the truth, even if you’re scared to, and I will still love you. I wish I didn’t have to go to work so we could stay home together and play all day! I will love you always and forever.

Related: 150 Conversation Starters for Kids That Will Make You Closer Than Ever Printable

But First, Beware of This Gotcha

Visual cues have one weakness. After a while, they become wallpaper.

In other words, after you get used to seeing the cue in your environment, the cue stops reminding you. And this list of positive words for kids is not immune to this phenomenon.

But there’s a simple fix: When the cue stops catching your eye, just move it to a different spot.

Here are a few different places you can put this free printable list of positive sayings for kids. When the list starts blending into the background, move it to a new place from this list.

The fridge A door The bathroom mirror The dinner table The driver’s seat of your vehicle As a bookmark for whatever book you’re currently reading – your own personal reading material or a read-aloud chapter book you’re using at bedtime with your child On your nightstand Inside your kitchen pantry Laid inside a drawer you open frequently, like in your dresser or bathroom vanity On the kitchen counter – for example, next to your coffee maker

Plus, here’s a bonus idea I love for an extra reminder: Change your password to one of these positive sayings for kids every few days. Then whenever you enter your password, it will be a reminder to say those positive words out loud to your child.

For example, you could change your password to URImportant2Me! to represent the phrase you are important to me.

The Best Times to Use These Positive Words for Kids

Let’s say you’ve downloaded your free printable list of positive words for kids, and you hung it in a prominent spot in your home as a visual cue. Awesome!

But…now what? These are all beautifully positive things to say to your child, but when do you say them?

Here are a few ideas for how to work these positive messages for kids into your days:

Surprise your child by saying their name out of the blue, then saying a phrase – bonus points if you bend down and get on their eye level first Pick a different phrase to say at bedtime every night while tucking your child in – say it with a smile or whisper it while you give a big bear hug If you’ve had a moment of disconnection like a disagreement or power struggle, deliver one of these phrases with a hug, back rub, or pat on the shoulder Write a phrase down and leave it for your child to find – a slip of paper in your child’s school lunchbox, a Post-It note on the bathroom mirror, a notecard on their pillow, and so on When you notice your child seems sad or upset, say one of these phrases If you notice your child struggling with something like homework or learning something new, encourage them with one of these positive sayings for kids

Related: 10 Children’s Books That Will Make Your Kids Feel Absolutely Loved

Download Your Free Cheat Sheet: 75 Positive Words for Kids

Use this cheat sheet of positive things to say to your child to help you remember to show your unconditional love for your child – even when life is busy.

Download the free cheat sheet. Join my weekly-ish newsletter and as a bonus, you’ll get the printable! Just click here to download and subscribe. Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal. Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge. See the But First, Beware of This Gotcha section earlier in this post for ideas on how to keep the reminder fresh and effective. Say a phrase to your child. A couple ideas for how to use the cheat sheet: You could set yourself a personal goal of a certain number of positive things to say to your child every day, or you could mark off each phrase as you use it and try to get through the whole list within a certain period of time.

Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:

Download my FREE cheat sheet as a bonus for joining my newsletter: 16 Miracle Phrases to Help You Reconnect With Your Child Your Turn

What are your favorite positive words for kids? Share in a comment below!

Author informationKelly

I’m a mom of four, a recovering perfectionist, and the author of Happy You, Happy Family. Parenting is hard enough without all the guilt we heap on top of ourselves. So let’s stop trying to be perfect parents and just be real ones. Sound good? Join my mailing list and as a bonus, you'll get 25+ incredibly helpful cheat sheets that will ease your parenting struggles.

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#parentingtips #printables #toys

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muchmoremarsh · 6 years ago

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tw abuse, trauma, mothers, all that shit

it’s real Trauma Processing Hours dude, lemme wrote down a load of stuff that my mum has continuously done before doing something manipulative, emotionally abusive or getting physical because if i don’t it’s going to plague me like an infection that’s been growing this past week since camhs never bothered to actually, yknow, do their job

she will start to cry in this way which can be described as like a descent into madness, it’s not like sad crying more like hysterical toddler crying

she does like a fake scream ‘aaaaa’ like whisper, usually maybe after putting her hands on her face just after crying

she will either stare you down in silence with this really condescending face and shake her head and say ‘no’ or something and the. proceed to start ranting at you

she thinks other people’s- COMPLETELY normal behaviour, by the way- is somehow “very strange” “straaange” “odd/weird” and feels the need to comment on other people’s actions as if they directly affect her wellbeing in some manner when they...don’t? for example, she “sells” stuff online and when someone decides to cancel for an item she says “they are very strange”

washing dishes. i don’t even want to elaborate on this but every time i see anyone, especially her, washing dishes i just want to run to the hills

she will accuse you of being a “liar” in this very specific tone of voice.

i remember when i watched “goodnight mr tom” for the first time and when i watched the scene with the mother in it i started crying excessively like, from completley fine to just BROKEN from the way the mother acted because it was almost EXACTLY how my own mother acts and i can’t even type this without tearing up hooo boy

she says like ��ooookayyyy, fineee” in a high pitched, annoyed voice when something goes even the slightest not her own way. also another thing is that she infantilises everyone wound her, and talks in CONTINUOUS baby talk, i haven’t known a fucking day where she won’t revert to the speech patterns of a toddler, CONSCIOUSLY may i add, and it annoys me to my CORE. sometimes i catch myself saying something in a tone of voice or mis-matching words like she would it makes me physically SICK.

she will criticise basiclly anything to you to her as if it is a personal attack, and even the slightest address of anything bad she may have done will be met with swearing or some kind of stated above action.

she just...expects everything to come to her and blames other people for her own mistakes and gets violent when her demands aren’t met

when she gets into fits of rage you can’t do anything because you really don’t know WHAT she is going to do. will she just continue crying? go out for a cigarette? start beating the shit out of me with her bare hands? threaten someone? start kicking? bitch i don’t know! you can’t do anything :)

she used to threaten to just throw all out stuff away and like...threaten to send me and my sis back to my dads but then make out she was the better parent while obviously being COMPLETELY the opposite of a better parent. she made us stay up like 3 hours having an argument over a CLOTHING TAG before. if you’re siblings you will argue a lot, and we did, mostly NOT helped by mother’s obviously amazing examples, but one day we were just like playing in our room together and we may have gotten a bit loud but she storms through the door and we scream in fear but she just stands in the doorway like “why are screaming????” oh sorry MOTHER DEAREST i thought you were going to pick one of us up by the leg and start beating us like a fucking rug or something, idk!

idk!!! i just don’t think it’s normal to needlessly YELL and antagonise your children for getting bored at the supermarket, threaten them and make them sit on the edge of your sofa with our hands on our heads all fucking evening until you thrust food in front of our faces (which you made us feel guilty bc oh you SLAVED away making that obviously VERY difficult to make tesco takeaway curry or bullshit sausage and beans or some fuckshit casserole made in the hot pot) and then making us continue sitting there with our hands on our head until we were sent to bed

or how about let’s continue making the most stupidest financial mistakes like randomly buying CRAP online and never selling it bc it is just crap like baby clothes and baby toys and random “bundles” of stuff that NOBODY wants, why all the baby stuff? she can’t let go that we’re not CHILDREN anymore, God help my younger brother, i want to see him so much more than i currently do, it’s really not healthy for him to be in the environment much longer.

she just hoards and hoards and you cant TELL her that she’s hoarding because she will snap and do all of the above things and get violent. she criticised others for being stuck in a state of poverty when the money spent on buying these “products” could be used to afford a better place to live, getting rid off stuff means a cleaner, healthier space but NO, full every possible piece of floor space with random clothes we found on ebay!

yes buying all this stuff, we have always been relatively poor, i know this, but it’s not like it can’t be improved? things did start to peak when she first moved but it just got progressively worse...and worse...and that leads to financial burdens so LETS BUY OUT A SHOP TO TRY AND SELL THE CRAP, but it’s still crap so nobody will buy it and let’s never make a profit!!! so we lose even more money so let’s steal money off your oldest child! i am DESPERATELY praying that my mother has no acsess to the money my grandma has left me.

anyway i started ranting but tldr my mother is a worst person and like despite how much she tries to manipulate me into loving her bc she is my mother, she has done nothing but confuse and abuse me and my siblings our entire life, she is unstable and makes me anxious, im glad i moved in with my dad, i have deep rooted and challenging psychological problems because of her behaviour which impacts my relationship with my stepmum, father as well as peers and ESPECIALLY authority figures on top of the fact i am autistic as well, so thanks mum. you giving your children the bare minimum is not interchangeable with a loving family home. you are abusive, fuck you.

#personal #theres a lot to unpack here

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abirdadaykeepstjewordaway · 7 years ago

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I can't help wondering where my cousin would be if she had not been given back to her biological mother. Let me go back and say my cousin is not literally my relative, she is family by choice. This girl, now woman, is one of the children my parents fostered. After her mother sobered up enough to regained custody we kept close. She generally spent at least a few weeks, if not all of her childhood summers at my parents house. Outside of summer she spent some holidays and random weeks or weekends with us throughout the year, up around until she was in high school. A time when I'm assuming she no longer needed us as reassurance of safety and security. Though she does still come around, it is often only when she has a need for something. She is currently pregnant with her second son, from her second baby daddy. And unfortunately seems to be following in her mother's footsteps in regards to having children with shitty men for no real reason, considering she openly acknowledges these men are shitty and knows she has no way to support herself, let alone her children. And that every conversation feels like some attempt at manipulation, a skill she wields adeptly.

So I wonder, what if her mom had let my parents file for custody? What if she grew the entirety of her life with us? What might she have accomplished? What experiences might she have avoided or gained?

She was put in the system as a baby, that was the first time my parents fostered her. My cousin is one of many children my parents fostered a number of whom I recall being raised with, besides those I consider my siblings. I have five siblings, four of us were fostered and adopted by my parents, the fifth is biologically theirs. Us four are actually two pairs of biologically related syblings, as can be seen in our coloring. But that is another story line entirely. Us four adopted children were fostered by our parents and all of us are successful and flawed in our own ways. My oldest brother is a computer genius. My sister has a number of certifications, a job, and is attending a university. I was the first and only, so far, to earn an A.A. and a B.A., I also have a certification. My younger brother is in the navy, and gaining ranks very quickly. Our youngest sibling was raised with a large number of people looking out for him, and is starting his first year of college. Knowing what we have done, knowing that we came from similar backgrounds, knowing my cousin was one of the youngest of us to be fostered by my parents it really makes me wonder. What might she have accomplished if given the opportunities we were lucky enough to have. If her mom had been selfless for once and allowed her child to be cared for by people who were up to the task.

My cousin was actually in the system before I was. Something I realized at a young age, when watching old home videos of my family at a Christmas party. My older siblings were there, and my cousin, but not me. It took me a hot minute to understand how someone younger than me could be in home videos when I was not. And it's something that was rubbed in my face occasionally on her visits, as if my not being there was proof of her being more cared for and wanted. I feel dumb for letting that hurt me, but I was young and did not recognize how she was being taught by her mother to emotionally manipulate those around her. This is something I fear, I fear for her children. I hope to God she ends the cycle her mother started and does not pass on these toxic habits. I hope she looks to her cousins, the family she chose to remain part of, and makes better decisions for herself and her kids. Her son is lovely, and I'm sure this second child will be too. I just hope she tries to gives her family the life she almost had, rather than the one she did. They deserve a better healthier existence.

I hope that I too, can provide a better life than the great one I was given, for my future children. I hope, that I can give them an existence free of my insecurities and bad habits. I worry that I could have been my cousin. I could have been much worse, had I not been adopted when I was by the people who raised me.

I fear for all those left in the system still, for those who may never have the chances I did.

#an excerpt from a book i'll never write #foster care #adoption

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denisemulvany18-blog · 7 years ago

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SAHCOL Boosts Clientele Base With 3 Airlines

Dr. Maymunah Kadiri is a multiple award-winning mental health physician, psychotherapist and advocate. She is currently the MD/CEO of Pinnacle Medical Services, Lagos. In this interview with GERALDINE AKUTU, she talks about her work, importance of mental health, parenting and more.

Can you share your growing up experience? GROWING up was fun all the way. Imagine growing up in a house filled with wives and many children, including extended family members. With this analysis, I need not to be reminded that discipline was the only option I had and there was no alternative. I’m born a Muslim, and still a practicing Muslim. With a large household like mine, you can imagine what a child like me will learn. My dad was and still is for everyone and not for anyone. He instilled a lot of discipline in us. He made us know that despite the fact we have step-siblings, we are one. The mothers did a lot of nurturing, encouragement, ensuring the family values and our belief systems were intact. As a mother and wife now, I praise my mom every second I get. I wondered how she coped with other wives and having nine of us. I love her till death, likewise my dad. I’m proud to have them as my parents and role models. Some of my childhood experiences have made me shine like a star. Trust me, not all polygamous homes are bad, I can say mine is one of the best ever. I’m so grateful to all those that helped in shaping my future as of today.

What led to the setting up your own company? I chose this line of business because it is my area of professional training and practice and for the passion I have for mental health. Also, there is a serious need for this business because the industry is currently under-served, and the ability to generate employment for others and myself with the goal to create financial freedom.

Pinnacle Medical Services Limited was registered with CAC in May, 2011. We started operation fully in 2012 after my six years of training programme with Federal Neuro-Psychiatric Hospital, Yaba. As an entrepreneur, I knew for me to succeed in whatever I have passion for, I needed to equip myself with the relevant expertise from all areas. After a successful completion of my programme as a Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist, the next bold and very important success key factor was to train as a business owner. This led me to Enterprise Development Center, Pan Atlantic University where I was awarded as one of the Goldman Sachs Scholar in Entrepreneurial management. When they say businesses fail within the first five years of existence, Pinnacle is already sitting on a solid foundation from inception. We have won a government grant, several awards, have our systems in place, have experienced staff with required skills, among other good things. Though as a business, we still have the ups and downs, but we are grateful for the impact the organization has made within this short time.

Expatiate more on the functions of your organisation Pinnacle Medical Services Limited is a health and wellness center dealing on psychological, mental, emotional and behavioural health related problems. We offer consultancy services cutting across diverse aspects of psychological, behavioural, emotional and mental health related issues. Pinnacle has its CSR, which involves our various seminars, workshops, trainings in schools, corporate organizations, churches and mosques, among others. We hope to be the leading voice for mental health in Nigeria and beyond.

What were the initial challenges? People are not encouraged to seek help for mental health related illnesses; the high rate of quackery in the society; no culture in place to seek help on time for stress related and mental illnesses. When people seek help, they do not want to pay for the services rendered to them and religious views of the members of the society are also part of the challenges. The issue of discrimination and stigma of people living with some health problems cannot be overemphasized. I’m still a work in progress.

What success stories have you recorded so far? Ability to create and secure jobs. Ability to be one of the pioneers in a grey area (mental health facility) of medical practice in Nigeria, to develop new services and revamp new products, to expand and broaden my network and the ability to establish the first state of the art specialist center on psychological and mental health well-being in Nigeria.

Can you share your most memorable moments? So many…. from the delivery days of my three lovely children despite my nine months of staying in the hospital all during the three pregnancies (please, don’t ask why I went back after experiencing so much pain), to seeing my patients that were once vagrant psychotics on the streets (roaming the streets), addicted to drugs now living productive and fruitful lives, to being recognized for our work locally and internationally, winning monetary awards (grants) among others.

What’s your take on women empowerment? Women empowerment is very key to any economy. It’s not only about gender equality, feminism, etc. It’s about having happy women that will be more emotionally balanced to nurture healthier and saner children for a more productive society. Did you know one of the vulnerability factors to having depression as a woman is when you are unemployed? Investing in women help to improve the world is very paramount.

What else do you do aside owning a Pinnacle Medical Services? Aside Pinnacle Medical Services, I run the following enterprises. Pinnacle Health Radio, this is the African’s first online health radio which is for delivering real time health solutions to our end-users. This is aligned to the Sustainable Development Goal Number 3, which talks about good health and wellbeing. Pinnacle Training Hub is a training center for various psychological and mental health workplace issues. We help to put various corporations on a more productive and safety scale from preventive to treatment of emotional issues that affect the employers and their employees. Pinnacle Medicals Speakout Initiative is geared towards creating awareness on psychological and mental health related problems in Nigeria and beyond. We have been to various schools to speak on a variety of emotional and psychological issues. We also organize seminars and workshops on a monthly basis at our facility including a lot of pro bono health talks to various organizations, too many to mention.

During our rally some years ago at the University of Lagos, we found out that 2 of their students had committed suicide and one was currently on admission after attempting to take his life. Suicide is no longer an "Oyibo problem", it’s high time we realize the challenges are increasing and some people can’t cope with them. If you have a psychological problem, deal with it, rather than trying to bind and cast it away. It will be my joy when Nigerians will come to the realization that mental health is our health, not a separate entity. When not working as a Physician, Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist, I love to tour the world and talk fashion.

Discipline is lacking in today’s children upbringing, what do you think is the cause? Discipline begins from the homes, which are the primary units for every child. This is not a role that can be substituted or contracted to others. Even the excuse of career life shouldn’t be an excuse to having undisciplined children. I have quite a number of families substituting presence for presents. They spoil the children with gifts rather than the quality time they desire and deserve, it is their right. Parents have to sit up to their responsibilities and schools shouldn’t condone such children due to monetary benefits.

How can this be tackled? Parents, teachers and every member of the society have our various roles to play in tackling this societal scourge. Like I said earlier, parents just have to sit up to their responsibilities. It is cheaper, better and happier to nurture a healthy disciplined child than repairing a damaged adult.

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voiceofkingdomchildren · 8 years ago

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Female 20 UK 🇬🇧 - I was adopted, felt rejected and unloved by men, had difficulties with family. My eyes were later opened, and many things have been healed and restored! Full Story: I was born in Wales in the UK. I was placed into foster care for the first seven months of my life due to my birth mother's mental health and my birth father simply not being in the place to take care of me. I have still never met my birth father because he does not want to meet me. During the first seven months of my life, my birth mother's sister and her husband knew that they wanted me as their own and that I was their little girl. As soon as I was born and it was said that my birth mother was not well enough to take care of me, the adoption process began. There were regular visits with my family until I was finally allowed into my new home. It's a real testimoney as my parents felt they were going to have a fifth child but knew it was not going to happen naturally. They knew right away that I was a part of the family. After being placed into my family it took until I was six years old for the adoption to be finalised. I was adopted into a family who all had a very close bond with one another. Although I have one vey protective older brother and three loving older sisters I came to realise that life was not always easy. My mother was and is incredible, she is courageous, patient, understanding and loving. She is my best friend. My relationship with my father was not how I longed for it to be. My father has suffered with depression and anxiety all of his life and due to his upbringing he did not know how to love anyone around him. This began to take a huge toll on me even though I did not see it until I was much older. I grew up in a christian home, went to church and went to a small christian school for the last five years of my school studies. Although I enjoyed the christian family side to things, I found that I was struggling with feeling isolated and sheltered by the environment I was in and around so I always made or took opportunities to get out of the house. I found this easier as I am a people person and I have a passion for life and loving people. Despsite feeling like this I always believed in the Lord and was following him in the way I knew how at the time and was seeking a personal relationship. At the age of sixteen, I went to college to study. This was the time I felt I was free to be around whoever and do whatever. I always wanted to be out with my new friends and doing fun things I hadn't done before. I never wanted to be at home because this was where I felt sheltered and very different from my family. I simply felt that I didn't fit in because the things I wanted to do was not approved of or at least that was how I felt. I now had another option in life - going out with the girls. This was something I wanted during my teen years and finally had it. Due to all the hurt with my father, the adoption and not feeling like I fitted in with my own family, a rebellious streak that had been building up inside of me came out. I started to search for a place where I felt I belonged. I began to find love through a guy I met in a local church and we began a relationship that turned unhealthy and very sercretive, especially towards my family. I always took the opportunity of leaving the house. The relationship was causing a lot of pain and many insecurities, but God revealed many reasons as to why I was doing what I was doing and feeling what I was feeling. I put all my security in this guy and his life and his friends, family and church, but this became my second life. This was the life I was scared to give up because it meant going back to my isolated home. But that wasn't the case. God showed His amazing grace and love once again. I got to a place where my heart was in so much pain that I physically and emotionally could not take any more. I ended the relationship. My relationship with my family started to become much better, my motives became right and I started to see the truth in what a blessing I had in being chosen into my family. I have now come to realize, through God's grace, that all of the frustrations and hurt I had been feeling had all come from the rejection I had experienced right from birth. I began to see that this was the reason I did not trust very easy. My relationship with my father has become much healthier due to understanding his past and realising that he does love me but has not always been able to show it in a way you would love/expect your father to. He is now doing well and believes God has set him free from depression but still has anxiety. God has done and is doing an amazing healing in my father and the relationships around him. It can still be hard but God is doing a work and is continuing to heal our relationship. Due to my health reasons (which I will explain down below) I have been able to understand anxiety at a whole new level. My father and I are able to relate to each other in a way we have never before and it has given us a patience and love for each other. I now know from the bottom of my heart that my father loves me. I have also come to know that my siblings love me very much and I now have great relationships with each of them individually. I now love and appreciate each member of my family more than words can say. They truly are my best friends! I have also come to a place of forgiveness towards my birth father even though I do not undestand and probably never will, in how he could leave and abandon his ony child. Thanks to my adopted mother and her selflessness and perseverence, I now have had the opportunity to get to know my birth mother a little for the past four years. She now wants to meet up and support me when she can which I find a great blessing. A year previously I had told my mother that I wanted to do a gap year for the Lord. A gap year that I could focus on my relationship with Him. That was the summer my journey with YWAM (Youth With A Mission) began. I moved to Cape Town, South Africa, in complete faith and I completed my DTS in Septemeber 2015. God began planting seeds that are still growing today. Is life perfect now....? Nope! But... God is good! After graduating from my DTS I went home and felt to come back into full time ministry. Seven months later, I flew back and made a two year commitment to the South African base staffing a school and studying a bible course. God has me in a season of discovering who I am in Him and also my worth in Him. God has and is taking me to some painful areas in my heart and he is showing me healing. Since being back in South Africa, I have recently discovered I have 'ADHD'. This is not something I see as a negative or as a secretive thing in my life but a huge understanding of who I am and how I work. It is still not easy as 'ADHD' is something I have always had but not known that I had it. It can bring high levels of anxeity, panic attacks and depression but even in that it has brought so much explanation for why i was feeling what I was feeling and how I dealt with it. For years I have just burried things due to being scared to open up because of the rejection I have experienced by three men in my life, two being fathers, birth and adopted. I am now coming out of being secretive and coming into a place of understanding myself and being open. Seeing how the Lord has loved me through everything, even when I never saw it at the time is incredible. I am learning to know what it means to have a father in him and to be his daughter. To finsh off my story.. Something that has recently encouraged me to keep going is knowing that God never wastes a hurt. Whatever your story is, know you are very very special. God loves you and is proud of you. No matter what, keep going my friend. John 13:7 Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." & Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. It is in the waiting that God works without us knowing it. Just wait..

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ourladybedivere-blog · 8 years ago

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Bulimia to B.E.D. - A journey

To me it makes complete and total sense, but I guess to others it doesn’t. This became so very clear to me when I was discussing having an eating disorder with a friend a last summer. She said to me “Do you still consider yourself to have an eating disorder?” The subtext being, how can you have an eating disorder?? You’re fat.

I get it I’m not thin. But it really made me think.

My entire life I’ve had an eating disorder, this actually just occurred to me. In my earliest memories I have had an unhealthy relationship with food. I’ve always considered myself to be fat, as long as I can remember. When I was hospitalized at age 17 and 19 for malnutrition I thought I was fat. When I look at pictures of myself from about 10 years ago I see my arms with that sickly thin look, but I remember that day and I remember thinking if I could just loose 10 more pounds I would be “ok” not “thin” but “ok.” Whatever it is that “ok” means, I don’t think I really had any idea what this dream of “ok” I was seeking was then. Either way “ok” means something different now, something healthier.

So like I said I’ve always thought I was fat even when I wasn’t. It started pretty early, elementary school I would say in 3rd or 4th grade. I developed faster than a lot (actually all) of the girls in my very small school. I had big ole titties by age 10, as well as womanly hips and I was nearly my full grown height of 5′7″ at that age as well. I was teased and of course it hurt, I was very susceptible to this type of teasing due to events in my early childhood I may discuss at some point but not now because it isn’t the point. Just believe me when I say some people are more susceptible than others. The idea that something was WRONG with my body was cemented in very early.

By the time I got to middle school anorexia and bulimia where starting to get a lot of news coverage. I heard about bulimia and instead of recognizing it for the sickness that it was it seemed like just the thing to help me finally fix my body. I couldn’t make myself stop needing food to live, buy I could eat and purge it right out. At first it was hard, I would put my fingers down my throat to bring on a gag and a heave, but eventually it was like I conditioned my mind that this is simply what is done after eating. I could simply think gross thoughts and boom express upchuck. I lived on a farm miles from other people in all directions. I would take long walks in the evening and void myself away from home so no one would notice. I could usually manage most of the school day without eating at all so that wasn’t much of an issue, but if I felt the need to evacuate I would simply wait in the bathroom until it was empty. I was often accused of hanging out in there to listen to other people’s conversations.

By high school I was experimenting with chemical intervention to further restrict my calorie intake. I took my brothers ADHD medication and would happily buy it off students who didn’t want to take it. My levels of anxiety grew and grew. The only things that made me feel “better” where purging and partying. I was a high acheiver but antisocial, I had good grades and kept to myself so I was completely unnoticed by most of my peers and most of my own family as well. During my sophomore year I had my first “episode.” I told my parents I just CANT handle IT anymore!!!! What it was that I couldn’t handle? I couldn’t really tell them because I didn’t really know. I was just sure I was going crazy and I needed help. My parents took me to our family doctor, through a blood test he found me to be malnourished and I spent the night in the hospital getting IV nutrition and a psych consult. My doctor told me I was malnourished because I ate too much junk food and not enough healthy fruits and vegetables. He never once asked about my eating habits, at 150 pounds I was actually overweight. He told me if I made healthier choices with my food I would feel better emotionally and I would also be able to maintain a healthy weight. The psych doctor at the hospital told me I was depressed, and prescribed Prozac and weekly therapy session. My parents insurance covered 6 session which I attended but accomplished absolutely nothing. 6 sessions isn’t enough to build trust let alone fix the depression I was diagnosed with, or the eating disorder no one noticed.

When I say no one noticed BELIEVE me when I say that. No one. Not a single person noticed. And do you know why? Because we have this image that the media has put into our head of the person suffering with bulimia. That person is a waif. So thin a stiff breeze would knock her over. Even malnourished, light headed, heart racing at the slightest exertion I was no waif. I was skin and bone in size 10 jeans. I understand this will be hard to accept. My parents didn’t notice, my friends didn’t notice, my doctor didn’t notice. I was starving to death, wasting away. You know what my friends are parents did notice? My very slim friend, who did not have an eating disorder. I was told many many times that it was my duty as best friend to this thin person that I intervene and help her because she was so thin she must have an eating disorder. This very much reinforced for me the idea that PEOPLE CARE MORE ABOUT YOU IF YOU ARE THIN. If I could just be thin enough then someone would care enough to notice.

Time passed. I kept right on bingeing and purging and partying. I finished high school, early actually. Moved out and turned up the volume on my unhealthy lifestyle. Malnourishment plus drug abuse and Prozac with a side of my boyfriend left me for his ex-girlfriend equals a suicide attempt and back to the hospital we go. This time as an adult I was treated to a 3 day observation period. My malnourishment was diagnosed as being caused by my drug abuse. Schizoprenia now replaced my diagnosis of depression. At a healthy weight of 145 pounds not a question was asked about my eating habits, or lack thereof. I see pictures of myself then, and I look sick. My face is gaunt, my skin is bad, my eyes are dark and vacant. When my face becomes gaunt I think that I look like a man, someone told me once I looked like a horse (it’s funny how the hurt sticks isn’t it). All these people who were supposed to care about me supposed to look out for me, they looked at the number on the scale and said well that’s healthy it must be something else.

So I moved back home, I laid off the drugs for a year or so. I gained back about 30 pounds. I withdrew and tried in some way to heal myself. I was frail but I was holding it together. I had a job, it was drugs and drinking on weekends, eating only one meal a day and not purging, hating my body. This was my normal. Then I met a boy, of course it’s always a boy. This man-boy introduced me to a new and wonderful drug called methamphetamine. What made it different from all the other drugs was the EUPHORIA that and it turns up your metabolism that you lose weight twice as fast as if you are simply starving yourself. So back down the rabbit hole I went. Fast forward 18 months, a shot-gun wedding and a still-born son later and here I am. Now I actually am depressed. I’m 22 years old, I’m married to a man I knew for 2 months who has turned out to be incredibly abusive, I’ve buried firstborn and I realize I do really need to make a change. I stopped doing drugs completely and I stop purging. I cut way back on my drinking and make a real effort to eat at least 2 meals a day. I try to “fix” my husband because I am deeply in love with his daughter who lives with us. With both of her parents are far more into the drug scene that I ever was I feel like it’s my duty to protect her. And I really do want a family. I suppose I figured if I couldn’t have the family I needed when I was young I can build that family and have a different role in it. I can be the loving mother I never had, and I can CHANGE my abusive husband into the involved father I never had. I can have another son and give my step-daughter a healthy sibling relationship.

Surprise, you can’t change or fix people who don’t want to be fixed or changed. I did have a son, who is the light of my life. However, after 7 years of physical and emotional abuse and constantly being cheated on I realized I couldn’t put any more energy into fixing this “man.” It was killing me. Though I didn’t realize it at the time I had completely replaced drug/alchohol problems with a food problem. When I was at home alone while my husband was out doing whatever/whoever he was doing I sat at home so full of sadness an worry. As I had sworn off drugs and getting drunk with the kids around there was food. The binge and purge cycle came back. When he was home and I was walking on eggshells trying not to set him off food was always there, cooking provided busy work and eating would reduce my anxiety, I couldn’t purge with him home. I was afraid it would bring on his rage, because he would certainly hear me through our paper thin walls.

Having to constantly sacrifice and forgive is really really hard, it drains you, you start to feel like you don’t matter. Sometimes I wondered if I was real. I would play a game where I wouldn’t speak for days at a time. Just to see how long I could go before anyone noticed (3 days is my record by the way). I started thinking about dying a lot, how if it wasn’t for my children no one would notice. By the time I left my ex-husband I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW how to be happy anymore. To make it worse after we split and I’d had 2 weekend visits, to punish me into submission my ex-husband refused to let me see my former step-daughter. I cried and cried thinking of how she must feel like I abandoned her, how I had clung so hard for so long to try to give her a happy life and how I had failed miserably. I can’t talk too much about her because I feel so emotional, but just believe me when I tell you that I still love her and wish I could be a part of her life. That was the final straw really, so I guess he “won” in punishing me. The guilt and sadness and grief of losing my step-daughter sent me into a serious drinking spiral. I hooked up with a guy at a bar, two years later I moved in with him and I realized I was making all the same mistakes I had been before.

Instead of being physically abusive this new fellow was a narcissist. He was a master of gaslighting. It was impossible to purge because he was always around. He was also very particular about knowing where I was ALL of the time. I remember once I was about 10 minutes later than usual getting home. He demanded for HOURS that I tell him why I was late. I really didn’t even have a reason. It was 10 minutes. But somehow he made me feel like I was the one who was being crazy for not having a reasonable explanation for 10 minutes if my day, instead of him being crazy for demanding I answer him. If I was in the shower to long I kid you not he questioned me about it. He had me so convinced that something was wrong with me that I started seeing a therapist about 1 year into our relationship. I was very very fortunate to find my therapist. I came across her by coincidence, I was looking for a therapist that had evening office hours so that I didn’t have to miss work and after a short wait on her list I got in to see her.

My main complaints were general unhappiness, angriness, being distracted, feeling overwhelmed but not really doing anything. I knew she was the right therapist for me when I told her about feeling overwhelmed, feeling pressure to get all of these things done and then not doing anything, feeling unable to do anything. She said to me that people often feel this way when they are dealing with a great deal of anxiety. It was like someone had finally given me permission to admit what was really wrong. One of the things that gives me the most anxiety is talking about my anxiety so it was really important for me to hear it from someone else. Especially after hearing from other doctors that my problems were anything but anxiety. I was finally able to talk to someone about how I coped with my anxiety first in life with bulimia and later by bingeing. She gave a name to what I was dealing with. She told me what I was feeling was real, that I wasn’t alone! She encouraged me to attend over-eaters anonymous and I did and truly experienced that I wasn’t alone. She worked with my patiently, she truly listened to what I was saying. We did hard hard work together. Though it’s a continual struggle she taught me coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety and therefore to reduce my urge to binge. She taught me how to have self-worth, which was something no one had ever told me before. She proved to me that I mattered and that I deserve to be happy as much as anyone else. With her help I learned how to create a support system or people for myself and for her I am forever grateful. With her help I know consider myself in recovery and getting better every day.

So when my friends asks me if I still feel like I have an eating disorder (even if the sub context is that they don’t think so because I’m fat) I tell them the truth. Yes, I am in recovery. I see it as an opportunity to be an example for people that having an eating disorder doesn’t always look the way you think it does. I see it as an opportunity to spread awareness about B.E.D. so that maybe someday that friend can reach out to a friend in need. Back when I was in the throws of bulimia and B.E.D. I can imagine that my response would have been crazy, there would have been screaming, and crying, and incomplete sentences. The true gift of recovery is peace. For me peace is calmness inside of me that allows me to spread a message that is helpful instead of crazy.

#binge eating #BED #eating disoder recovery #aniexty