#shouldnt listen to music sometimes. anyways.

[hellsitedotcom]

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

༊*·˚ ft. Moze, Aventurine, Blade, Dan Heng, Jing Yuan, Jiaoqiu. ༊*·˚

imagine dancing with them, having them pull you close...arm around your waist, not letting you go, body against body as you dance, never breaking eye contact, breathless from the intensity of their gaze...lips so close yet so far away from yours, barely touching, not in a teasing way but clearly telling everyone how much they struggle from holding themselves back...

then the music fades, you stop, breathing heavily, the eye contact still not broken, noses brushing as they continue watching you while you wait for their next move,

and then they pull away, leaving you standing on the dance floor, still trying to catch your breath as you process what just happened.

the next time you find each other in that same proximity again, it is in your private chambers, their body once again pressed against yours, but this time, they don't hold back, lips crashing against yours as they finally close the distance they've been forcing themselves to keep for what felt like eternity...

▶︎ •၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊|• 1:22 - Carol Of The Bells, Tommee Profitt

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

[horse-shit]

yknow sometimes i forget that im like. actually traumatized. like its not something i can joke about forever it did actual damage that i should sit down and stew about to see how to work past it or improve on it. idk. i feel like i sound like my dad. i think i got the 'i just have to push through this or past it' even though all i do is sit around when i have things to do

[rainswhenyourehere]

also. if someone wants to help. (also btw hibi lore like. the most important part methinks)

how to "keep it casual" with. lets say hypothetically. if you came to a new school in seventh grade. and met a nice guy during swedish class and kinda connected with him immediately and. then you guys are like. best friends in your opinion and you guys hang out allll the time and you kind of have the biggest crush on him and. lets say. like. you love him so fucking much its borderline unhealthy? and like. then he starts sending you flirtatious gifs and texting you so. because youre in love. you send flirtatious gifs back and you guys basically call each other love and sweetheart and everything and !! you guys hold hands and he lets you listen to his music and gives you a plastic ring to match his and gives you gifts and treats and !! holds your hand btw !!!! and nearly asks you to kiss him during a truth or dare game like. implies it strongly . so then you !! decide to ask him hey. what are we. and he goes idk and you guys hve a littl etalk because yay communication !!!!! and hes like. so. i like you . like. thats out there now okay. i like you but i also like this other guy so um. idk so!! because youre in love and would wait like fifty million lifetimes you say okay ill wait for you its okay but then the romantic interactions disappear and its like . because you guys are in a trio right? theres this other guy too. so he starts maybe confiding in the other guy a littl enad you should not feel envious he can do whatever he wants its his life but . you do but youj also dont say anything so like. a year or smth passes idk and he goes. yknow what. tbh. i dont rly like you anymofre?? like i like this other guyu and i think ill always like him and ur kinda heartbroken and shit but you say its fine i was kinda over you anyways. so . that happnes and you stil l love him so fucking much but . you dont say it because youre happy he moved on and . youre probs not worth it anyways its fine and then a ruond a month later while ur eating at lunch hes like. haha can you go away for a while i want to talk abt stuff with person 3 in our trio and youre like. okay sure !!! and then you come back nd . find out he s in love or has a crush or wever on another guy. so . apparently he wouldnt love hte other guy forever but it doesnt rleally matter at least it shouldnt so you drop it its fine . enter grade eight your friend group grows and . theres these classes where you can pick and not everyone goes to the same on e right ??? so . the rest of your friend group goes to the musci class and you go to the . cooking class . which you enjoy btw!!! like!! a lot!!!! and you attend it with another classmate of ur s and boooom youre friends. wow . hooray like. currently youre probably closest to them which is craaaaazy liek. wow. but !! bcs u attned a diff class you get shut out of alll the fun things they do and you dont really feel like you belong and you also kinda feel dsicarded and not important and invisible because !!!! the guy youre in love with yes still kinda hate that !! treats you like air. so. then you ask him whats wrong right before you go on a month long trip on summer vacation without internet access. and when youj come back you find the messag eunread and !! you stressed abt this the whole summer btw. smth smth i dont even want you back i js want to know if ruining my sparkling summer was the goal /lyr ANYWYS. you . jask abt him awgain. on discord and he says that hes changed as a person and his interests have changed and this is fine btw!!! like. you totally understand yep. and then he says that youve beeen like . kinda really annoying recently and sometimes he feels like killing himself while hanging out with you so. that s nice and also !! not being with you has made his mental state like. get better a bunch so "thats just grand".

so. mmm. also by the way this is like. summer vacation after eight grade yeah?? well. just before the seventh grade summer vacation person 3 in ur trio asked you out. and you kinda dated them. even though you ddint really have feeling because they re nice the y treat you well and you had to get over him but then around like . a year later you cant really take it anymore and its not person 3s fault at all theyve been perfetct alllll around like. the most amazing human being ever but. you just cant . you keep choosing him over them and you can see its hurting them and this isnt working nahyways so . a round a yaer later you tell them hey. not your fault i was seeking approval and shit and im like. the jerk ehre but like. thank ou so much and its a whole essay and they go okay its fine but. now youve broken someones heart so . yay you and youre still not over him so . wowww good job.

back to eight grade summer vacation?? you dont really text anyone else except from cooking class friend and person 3 and you dont want to text in the group chat because hes the most active one and you really dont want to intrude his space and . now 9th grade is statrgint in 8 hours and you just saw a message from him . saying asking you to "keep it casual" so the teachers dont come after you guys or something. so . somoene tell me how to keep it casual?? like. do you just stand next to the other guysf rom the friend group?? are you . suposeced to interact with them ???? can you still eat w the guys?????? oh and . 9 th grad eis the most inmportant year academically so i also have to get good grades from everything and actuallly focus on studies so . theres that.

tut on how to keep it casual pls okay love u guys <3

[privatelife]

not to be too online this is gonna read so embarrassing but my sibling wasnt available so i cant talk to them abt it lol

but ive been in a terrible mood all day bc sometimes RARELY i try to interact with my moots on various websites just little comments here and there. i dont do it nearly enough im very isolated in life and online but if i feel the need, i like to just say a couple words, yknow, human interaction. like if we follow each other i figure it's cool to engage in small ways ? anyway a twitter mutual hornyposted abt d*vid h*ward thr*nton and i thought it was funny and agreeable so i replied "REAL" i didnt think anything of it. i wouldnt have even given it a second thought if she ignored it entirely i was literally just taking a break from work scrolling twitter whatever not serious. but she responded almost immediately "i dont share..." and that was it. so then ive felt all day like i did something stupid and wrong lmao I KNOW IT'S SO UNSERIOUS she couldve been joking for all i know. but we've interacted maybe once before so i cant even tell. i kinda dont think she was joking tho 😭

if i may psychoanalyze myself for a second i think this tiny interaction triggered my rejection sensitive dysphoria real bad cause it like reinforced my idea that there's just something inherently wrong and unlikable abt me and that i shouldnt even bother interacting with other ppl. im at a point where i dont really believe that so much anymore but i still would like to feel "accepted" by cool ppl with similar interests to mine someday lol. i have one (1) real friend now and that's positively effected my view of myself immensely BUT we don't share a lot of the same interests so it's like, i can talk all day long abt certain things that are important to me and they'll gladly listen, but they don't get it the way others might. and vice versa! i love them dearly and wouldnt trade them for the world but i do at the same time wish i had Other friends who are into idk. horror movies, b movies, the music i like etc. you know. i think that's a perfectly normal thing to long for 😭 it seems like every time i reach out for that it never ever works in my favor :( ive mostly accepted im a weirdo with weirdo interests nobody gets me im too cool whatever blah fart sound... but why cant we all be weirdos TOGETHER. wheres the CAMARADERIE

i suppose a therapist would say keep trying! you're doing great! but oof it just really left my brain in tatters for the day. over something so dumb !!!! stupid and dumb !!! anyway at the end of the day i still can, should, must, and will fuck the clown man.

[junk-culture]

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. 5️⃣❗

now wtf is the 5 times table doing in my inbox... ! teehee... this is a lot of questions and my answers are lengthy so under the readmore they go:

5. Favourite band: HMMM this shouldnt be a difficult question but i feel like im always indecisive/struggle to identify an Absolute Favourite Above All Others...... i think i have to say depeche mode because i like them enough to have paid £[redacted] to go see them...they are definitely one of my big faves anyway........ i will add bastille as an honorary favourite simply because they are the band i have liked for the longest... i started listening to them as a miserable 14/15 year old so you know. that kind of band is eternal and forever even if i don't quite like all of their latest stuff/don't listen to them absolutely all the time etc. actually the jam are maybe tied with bastille for that sort of formative band so let's say them too. sorry i can literally never give one single answer LOL 10. Favourite model: uhm unfortunately i dont really have one im not really into following fashion or models....idk....but recently i started watching the x-men movies (cringe) and i kind of got the hots for halle berry a bit so ill say her. ik shes an actor but she started off as a model so it counts. honorable mention also to the sony d-e350 in gold . a very very sexy model (of cd player) :

15. Lucky Number: It seems there's a typo in the questions post because they've put 14 twice instead of 15....I don't really have a lucky number although I sometimes see people with aesthetic blogs posting about angel numbers or whatever and im like i could get into that........ i guess any number can be lucky if it appears in a certain moment or is recurring... since 14 appears twice in the question post ill say 14. and its a pretty good number anyway

20. 5 things you love: ONLY FIVE? BUT I LOVE SO MANY THINGS ABOUT OUR BEAUTIFUL WORLD...! well to name a few: 1. mai friends (physical and virtual) ^_^ 2. BRIGHT GREEN GRASS IN THE SUNLIGHT 3. art. drawing. its my essential activity i have to do it its awesome plus so important in the world for everyone 4. when you're travelling home on the train from a pleasant day out somewhere and it's really sunny and you have a window seat and the music you are listening to is just right for that moment and its just so the beautiful world. you know? 5. shagging ur mum LOL !

25. Favourite blogs: UMM im sorry im kind of too lazy right now to like tag people plus i feel a bit shy doing that anyway but basically all of my mutuals etc...... <3 and the smug jug blog also 30. Someone you miss: hm...i don't know if there's any one person i Strongly miss but there are a few i vaguely to moderately miss. idk. such as: - my mother occasionally - not my irl best friend as such because shes still here lol but moreso i miss hanging out regularly like we did when we were teenagers? like now we're both adults and in different cities and she works full time and im either working or studying and she has a boyfriend anyway its like we dont hang out that often... many such cases obviously but i miss the time of seeing each other every single day at college and walking home together...and especially because id love to do that all over again Now when im like. a lot happier/more functional/more "normal" than i was when i was 16/17 lol. but its the way of the world what can we do - i guess i sort of miss an internet friend who disappeared .... it wasn't exactly unexpected because we always were aware of the possibility and i know its simply how such things go but i wonder how they're doing sometimes...plus we exchanged physical mail and gifts so now its like i just have these objects in my home that are from a person who i no longer talk to lol....

THANK YOU FOR ASKING, THE FIVEPILLED FIVEMAXXER!!!!! :)

[9cl]

i just finished watching the holdovers with my mom its a really good movie & definitely partly what i needed. im not mentally stable or happy enough right now to be able to criticize it or point out things about it that are wrong or whatever & i genuinely from the bottom of my heart believe that if i cared to i would just get worse. all of the things i think about media are in relation to my process of enjoying or consuming or understanding it or just simply reacting emotionally to it more so than intellectually. if i really wanted to write an essay on why i think the best musician of all time is Tek lintowe i would but i really dont want to and since art shouldnt be spoken of in absolutes since it relegates pieces of art to rungs on a ladder or hierarchies or labels or categories, its irrelevant anyway. i dont care enough about the intricacies because when my brain is constantly on the verge of shutting down from mere pain and deep-rooted conflicts with myself, i cant handle thinking rationally and intricately about a specific piece of art. none of the words i read or am exposed to enter my brain at all and im faced with the decision to either accept that id much rather just be plain and simple in my judgement or self-flagellate and call myself stupid as fuck for not being able to "Get Stuff". sometimes and for certain periods of time for certain people, the mission statement of art is to make sure you can think about things other than your own death on loop. the holdovers was a great movie that not only did that but faced me with the proposition that i'm intrinsically never alone left stewing in my own misery. it's nice to be alive and have family and listen to new or old music. at some point the things you must face inside yourself, they stare you down with a look of tired contempt instead of murderous sadism, and that's when you get close to them and finally bridge gaps left untouched for far too long when you should have been handling the situation. you make up with yourself

[lifeinthegladhouse]

the unfortunate news was given that my dad's chemo probably isn't working so he "might" have to do 30 day "isolation chemo" (?) which sounds horrible and scary. I want to visit him then if so... I don't want him to be alone for 30 days. I'm terrified he will be abusive to me.

when my mother died, she couldn't hurt me, even though I was terrified to see her. seeing her helpless body waste away from cancer was traumatizing but also released any fear I ever had of her, even though the memory of her abuse will always live in me.

my dad was not abusive like she was but sometimes i think he is worse for ever enabling her to be around me, ever choosing to "raise" a kid with her, comparatively, she had much less choice in her actions than he did.

i dont know what it means or if it will help. i didnt think these chemo rounds would help... i never thought my dad would get better... but hearing the advancing news doesn't help.

especially after watching someone's long term dying lead to hospice and then death and how irreverently it was handled, in this household (my partner's grandmother).

my dad will lose whatever hair he has left and im sure will look unrecognizable in a way.

whatever anger or apathy i have to combat my sense of obligation that shouldnt even really exist... i feel for him. im scared for him. i dont want him to suffer, and i dont know if it's worth going through.

i dont want to sway his decision, im positive he will die from this either way. i dont want to lose time with him, but ive already lost time. he's had 30 years to fix this and he hasnt...

i dont know if i can physically handle the grief of seeing him this way.

he always sounds livelier over the phone than he is, but... he didn't watch his parents die this way.

i will lose both of my parents to horrible forms of cancer (i mean, they're all horrible). at least Gene froze to death and it shocked everyone and he didn't suffer.

we've been iced in for a week here in p0rtland, and i got money back that i "owed" to unemployment when gene died. it felt like, after 3 years, he was helping me,... of all times to get the money back now... itll help me move out of my in laws... but a horrible thought happened... what if it's because my dad is going to go sooner than we thought?

i cant decide, anyways, and ocd is a bitch.

my back is killing me from days of making music and trying to learn mixing and mastering and animation and editing just for the fuck of it to stay sane, entirely diy.

today i cant focus, anymore... im listening to david bowie and crying alone and listening to my stupid in laws talking in the kitchen. i cant mourn here because this is a house of narcissism and enabling. hell, someone DIED in THEIR family and THEY wont/cant even mourn.

if my dad doesnt take the chemo, he will continue to failingly rely on his weekly (or more) blood transfusions. and eventually, he will die. maybe he will choose that to spare himself, and in a way, i almost wish he would, but i cant say i really wish that, ... i wish he was a better father, i wish he didnt have cancer even if he is 73, i dont wish him a sudden death bc itd be jarring but a long way is almost worse. i dont know what i want. i wish he couldve ever cared for me so that i could care for him. but what happened is he didnt care for me, and i care, but i cant care FOR him. i cant fix this. i cant love or unlove or hurt or unhurt it away.

when he dies i will not have any family left.

and then some part of me will be released from this burden of grieving a family that was always "dead" to me, but now, permanently, which will just feel fucked up.

ive spent 3 years grieving mom and gene. then i will grieve him too. when will it fucking end

in spite of this i have to work hard to perservere bc its what gene would want. its what my dad would want even tho fuck what he wants. its what *i* would want if i was diagnosed with cancer tomorrow myself or in 40 years. im terrified.

im tired.

im so goddamn tired

[nururu]

Can I just say, I actually hate this sentiment. As a joke, whatever, but this idea applied to real life, will do you no favors. Learning to cope with and live with and be okay with uncomfortable situations is so extremely important. Avoiding everything that is hard and uncomfortable will make you unequipped with dealing with a majority of things that happen in your life. If you sit in an uncomfortable situation long enough, you figure out ways to handle those situations better. Because they most likely will continue to happen. Being problem avoidant causes a lot of isolation issues and increases an anxiety disorder, or creates one. Which can turn into agoraphobia and panic attacks etc. ideas like this are what created the movement of ppl thinking it's normal to judge others for listening to music or making too much noise in public(that's just a small and recent example). You can't cope with the reality of what happens when you go outside around other people, because you don't try to learn how to become comfortable with uncomfortable situations. Instead it turns into anxiety which turns into anger because "how can people just act without knowing I'm uncomfortable? Shouldnt they appease me?" Which is a thought process with a dead end and no solution and no path for personal growth. Anyways... Sometimes don't hit the bricks? Sometimes maybe challenge yourself and see how strong you can become?

[waypens]

ive given up all sense of humanity ive gone full animal. ...ive been brought to bmy breaking point. no longer shall i be a servent to the humans.. AWWWWOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU... heh. im on a mystical mission. i go to the forest at midnight for a snack. a midnight snack, really. heh. i hunt for things of fish and the like i eat meat. call that carnivorus in the ""science"" world. load 'a BULL to me, if you ask me, really. but you know...? i sometimes like it. the information'o'plenty. maybe its human nature but heh... im no human. the moon is out baby and im and animal. I digress, something in the way someone from such a faction talks to one (suxh as myself) isnt really acceptable these days. heh. you know,. i just think things get a little out of hand... its one thing to the next... and then the next again. i guess you could say its all gounf according to the big plan... something like that. anyway. twilight sparkle is a big inspiration for me theres just some thinf abiut her... shes just, like, so strong. do you hear that? exactly. if it werent for her, all of aquestria would be in ruin! oh- ah sorry,,, roleplaying habbits. i get into character y'know? heh. anyway. thats about alll im up to trese days. that and grinding. what?! NO!!! get your mind out of the gutter- not *thats* kind of grinding! hah. i mean working really hard, y'know. lisyen i know its, well its a little lame sounding but i have this big micecfract world and its really... ah.. youthing its stuoid, right? well, heh, i made a world when i was fidteen and now im older. and it means a lot me me. ive made a huge world and city and... well, yiu get the picture. are you hungry? i have some ramen in the cabinet... sorry... hm? oh yeah i guess i do have a habit of apologizing... I-I'd apologize but, well, heh... i realy like that kind of music. its full of... enerygy. i dont really listen to msuco as such, but id like to. i think the voice actor for gollum shouldnt have been... well *him*. not only because of his pasr but well, theres just something off, isn't there? ever since he was young. i could always tell. couldnt you? ~grrrOWWWLL!!~ ah! my tummy is rumblinf! i must be hungry... you should uh, go. no, please, i cant explain i jusy need yiu to- TO...! AAAGHH!!!!!!!!! ITS HAPPENING!! YOU MUST LEAVE ME BE!!!! PLEASE...! please....grrrrrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHWWUUUUAUAAAUAUUAAAAGAGHAIAOAOAIAIAAHSHSHODIUUUUUUUOUU OUUUUOUUU OUUU OUUU OUUUIUAUAAUAAAAAAA AAWWWWOOWOWW AWWWUUOOAOAAAAAUAIAOAOAIUA AAA A AWWUIOIIOOIUHUUUUUUUUAAHAAUUWUWODOFOD AAWAUHGHHYAAAAAAHHHHHGGG ABAHAHA LLLGLPVOOVLVKEJNFWKD AAAAGRRRUUUUIOOOWWUIUUUYYUUPEPEEEEEEIUUUUUUSMmmKOIUUUUUUUUUU ALLAAAAHGGLLLLLLLLLLLYANNNJUUUULLAURURHJFJFNFNFNNLLLE LE eLUHH jUHSHENANANANMSKSJSJSNSI 4 JHEBWJEKKAAUAUWUAUAOAOAOISJFHBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR promise JARRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR scared by bhh H IYYTTYYTTYYUIAHGRGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR fucking p a schewpid colah ahahh ah ah ah!!!!... heh IAUAUUUU njlk UUAUAUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAU.aAAUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAWWWUIOOWIWUWUPPPPPPPPTHRBREHHEHDJFJJDJDJDJFHSBEKFPVONWNADLCPOGURHRBWNWLDPDBOREDUKMNDBFJRNEUFHEJDNIMSOBOREDNSBFJEJFBNDDJJFJFIDONTLIKETHISNAYMOREJSBFBFNGJBKGKEJFBNRNRDOYIUHATEMEBFJENFNDJFKGKLVLGKRKGOOPPHPPHPUOOUPIPIPOPIPUPPUPUPPUPUPOUPPUOUPIEHGSFFFXXCCXVXVCXCXCXCXCXVXVXCCXCACSCSCSCAFTACATACAGDHFJKVKDJFJJGJFJFJDJKFIFOGOOGPOHOBJNFNNDUEEUHWHDHHVIVFKDDKNSHJDJDJSNABSVCECERBFJFJICIJFJDBSVVWGWYDUCIVOOVGPGPORJEJWBWBB hi IFJEJNFBFJKFGLVOOBGOOROEJBWUWHFHB ID GO L DW W BO CJJ OK E NO CJ S OH G SEE JEBSJHDJDJDJMJDBDGEJISOWOSOKSJDJFBBCBCBCB HDBDJCJDJDHBDIEIWOSOODUFHDHBFNFNKRKDKSIJSHSBXJCJIFJFHFHDHFHFHHHHHFHHFFFHHFFHBBFFBFBF hit the groundHFBSJJDJFJFJDJIIFIDIDIDIFUFJRIEOOWODKKXJDDNNNDJDJJJDJJJJDJJJJJJDJDJSKSSKKSKSKSOSOKSKSOWOOIDICJJFNDN Knokay

[rigil-kentauris]

When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers!! here ya go!!

OH NO JUST 5????

lets see

hm. im going to take the definition ACTUALLY LISTEN TO and translate that to listen with a capital L, put that song on and melt into mattress, listening to that song is a Task.

1. Nothing Left To Say/Rocks Imagine Dragons EXCEPT i dont listen to rocks i do not like it. i got this album for free back when google play music was new enough to coax people with free music if you can believe that. anyway this song is too big to listen to while walking. i will listen to it while driving but i think i shouldnt. its very. hm.

its very sad. it reminds me of people ive left behind. and places i cant go back to. situations that are over without a choice or chance of reprieve. sometimes it just be like that.

but as sad as it is i think lots of parts of this song are also hopeful. the chorus is entirely about giving up, but ever verse ends with i keep pushing on. i think the idea that you keep pushing on and on is the kind of hope that makes all the sad worse. the first time i wrote a piece of fluff, coming off of a solid career of angst, the person i was writing with was like, see, now that they are happy, you can make them even sadder! because once, they were happy! and i think this song is a bit reverse of that. things suck, and you keep going. theres nothing left to say about it.

anyway, i think this song says about me that i am depressed but what is new there. my favorite line is all of them. god ive decided to pick lines. so i would say that. despite liking individual lines more, i think my favorite line is when it goes

But I keep pushing On and on and on and on

or when it goes and instead of but. i think it contrast is what makes the song powerful. im tired, and im lost, and everything hurts, and im giving up but im still going. im falling but im pushing on. theres nothing i can do and nothing i can say. im pushing on. what a very modern tragedy. ill stop now before i go in circles.

grumpy side note. i think If you could only save me/I'm drowning in the waters of my soul… could be improved. this whole song has been internally driven until then, and then the song gives the spotlight moment to a desperate wish that someone else could save me/us/you. pah.

also fuck rocks. im sorry if someone reading this is a rocks liker but i am not.

2. Well now that we've got a a bog standard answer I'll put All My Friends by LCD Soundsystems for the umpteenth time. I won't make everyone sit through this ramble again. I think this song also says about me that i am a depressed zillenial.

i genuinely cant pick a single line. if im picking one part then that means im not picking another

in general i think this whole song is. regrets and nostalgia bound together. lives youve lead. mistakes youve made. people who have come apart from you just as it is. losing yourself to the grind but also living. this whole verse is

It comes apart The way it does in bad films Except the part Where the moral kicks in Though when we're running out of the drugs And the conversation's grinding away I wouldn't trade one stupid decision For another five years of life

And its like. life is coming apart. we're coming down of the life of living and being young and being in the moment. theres no moral to this story. just entropy. and despite that. despite all that. i wouldnt give any of it away. everything has lead me here and i- i am not just happy with that. i wouldnt take five more years worth of chances in exchange for the one shot to change what ive been

i think its pretty aspirational

theres another song i like to listen to that has a theme of even the mistakes weren't really mistakes at all. i think. eh. i think these aspirations are useful. i think we can find happiness even if the past is sad.

anyway all of these are my favorite lines. this is another one i listen to in the car even though i shouldnt.

3. DID I SAY STOP BEING MAUDLIN I MEANT START HARDER. Wide Open - Chemical Brothers after about a million hours listening time i am becoming slightly immune to this one though.

tbh the lyrics arent particularity striking to me but the whole combination of everything is just MAGICAL. plus theres like four whole words in the song. but since ive decided to make myself pick lines, im going to go with the chorus Slow me down/It's getting away from me

4. OH OH. OH I WANT TO PUT. Hm. I think this might not count but i've written almost an essay about this one and i listen to it critically so I think it fits the definition of Listen listen to. Truth Despair and Hope, FE8, Saki Haruyama, Yoshihiko Kitamura, Yoshito Hirano. im mentally ill about this song re: how it blends storytelling and music.. i'll tell you how ill i am about this song i dug up my exhiled FE blog (nobody @ me there i wont see it) to find what i wrote about it [long eyes emoji post with timestamps][a shorter post that i DID NOT FINISH ELABORATING ON???? but i think is more insightful and important analysis of the story/song meld]

anyway. its not like. a song on my playlists. its just like the only music ive every done serious analysis on voluntarily and because i once said if this song was a person i'd marry it. also help i managed to avoid putting any of these songs on while writing and now ive failed and i cant turn it off. im worked up about this again. its about teh WEAVING OF THREE DISPARATE TALES EACH ALIKE IN MEANING EXCEPT WHEN VIEWED THROUGH THE LENS OF THE OTHER. WHO IS TRUTH? WHO IS DESPAIR? WHO IS HOPE? WHO IS WORKING THAT SICK ASS BASS LINE? THIS SONG AND ITS TRIO OF PARTS (okay i count four in several parts but yknow) HAUNT ME

this one doesnt have lyrics so i cant have a favorite one. my favorite part i think would be the bass from 0:30-0:45

5. there are better candidates for 5, but i spent a week on internal debating and if i dont pick a 5 im never going to. in the spirit of something more cheerful than the prior, im picking Where the Streets Have No Names which is by U2. so, for reasons i wont get into, i have been flying on planes regularly for most my life. this is my Plane Song. i dont listen to it very often because like. the atmosphere. has to be: you are squished into your window seat. its fucking BAKING hot because the sun in magnified on you. it is also FREEZING because youre on a plane. you are squished like the sardine with a stranger and your leg hurts from playing the cant touch anyone anxiety game. and youre tired from getting up early or staying up late and youre unrelated, slightly dozy because the whole process is a stress and theres the tremendous white noise of the massive engines leaking in through your very worn earbuds. and theres the minute vibrations of your tiny metal tube, and you are looking out the baking hot window and there are clouds and clouds and clouds and SUN. and you are nowhere in the world on your way to somewhere else. and it doenst matter if thats a good somewhere or a bad somewhere. your in the Sky now. and it is beautiful

anyway i havent flown lately as you might imagine. plague and all that.

im going to cheat and pick two lyrics. We're still building then burning down love/Burning down love because i like it and i like how it sounds in the song. i like the sound more than the next lyrics but i like the next lyric better, which is And when I go there/I go there with you/It's all I can do

im very disappointed i couldnt sneak in a complextro song or one of the glitchy ones. but tbh i listen to those because they distract half my brain, allowing me to focus. they arent really for Listening listening to.

--------

okey i know several of yall do NOT like tag games and i cant remember who right now so i will wait on tagging. but if you want to do it please tag me and i will skedaddle over and give some songs a listen!

[atlantis54]

“You Popstar folk sure do take your time, don't you?”

ayo long post ahead hope yall are ready

hello! im atlantis54. im an ace biromantic cis female, and i use all pronouns. (yes that includes neopronouns) i have adhd and anxiety, but i believe that shouldnt stop us from being friends :D

what to expect on this blog:

-random rambles

-sometimes art

-LOTS of reblogs

-tldr: orderly chaos. somehow

stuff im into/my fandoms:

-kirby

-cookie run

-disney (mainly the duck universe and winnie the pooh)

-kingdom hearts

-touhou

-punch out

-alphabet lore

-pokemon

-puss in boots

-animal jam/fer.al

-danganronpa

-mii games

-deltarune

-just gaming stuff in general

other stuff i like doing:

-drawing

-writing stories

-listening to music

-failing at trying to make music

-trivia

-icebergs/lost media

-psychology. to some extent

-rambling like an old man at a bingo tournament

-reading

-and browsing TVTropes for hours on end

if you like my content, go follow my mutuals @makerofmadness and @kirbyofthestars​ cause they make cool content too

also i have a pronouns page at https://en.pronouns.page/@atlantis54

DNI if yer the following:

-Proship/Comship

-Racist

-Homophobic/Transphobic/Just people who hate LGBTQ in general

-Ableist

-Part of the Anti-Anime Association on imgflip (long story that i dont wanna explain rn)

-DSMP fan (depends on how weird you are about it)

-Just a jerk in general

selfshippers and age regressors are fine tho

anyway thats pretty much it. thanks for checking out my blog! see ya around :D

[theinfinitesilver]

holy crap its a text post

i need to vent in text form to get these thoughts out of my head, ignore this. probably won't make sense to most of you anyway unless you've known me well for 15ish years

mfw im listening to some music on youtube before bed and the recommendations sidebar decides to jumpscare me with content from a certain group's channel

it said the video was posted 12 days ago. so. in the back of my mind over these 10+ years i have tried so hard to avoid any mention of that group of people involved with my enormous mental breakdown back in 2013. somewhere in the back of my mind the curiosity has always lived: what are they up to nowadays? i've never dared to check and find out. but i guess i have an answer now

this really shouldnt bother me as much as it does, i thought i had healed from this (and moved on to other mental breakdowns lol) but i saw that video thumbnail with a face i hadn't seen in years and i felt a brief moment of panic

they still appear in my dreams every now and again. sometimes they recognize me and say how glad they are to see me. sometimes i run away. sometimes my dream-self reconciles with them, against my will...or is it?

bah. i wanted to go to bed like half an hour ago i should do that i feel better now that i typed things

[freakurodani]

WAIT AJSHAIAUSHAJA okay so i havent like, genuinely listened to county music in like 10 years (other than the odd song) bc of,,, teenage rebellion/ mommy issues/whatever but literally until i was like, 11 years old i did not know there were kinds of music other than county and this one like Top 50's Hits of the 80's CD we had and whatever played on those TV commercials, y'know the ones? anyway, very narrow world view when it came to music

but... im listening to Tim McGraw rn, and... the way he sings his songs is just like me telling my fuckin nostalgia stories and it would explain so much about how i am as a human being and how i speak and also why the hell i definitely sometimes have a southern drawl that i reeeeeeeeeally shouldnt have (very slight, definitely not like the west Texas drawl my favorite softball coach had (who became a family friend and i spent a lot of my youth with bc our families would meet up and do like karaoke together and he'd take me to the theme park with his daughters and we talk game and oh man, i miss him. i think i still have pictures of when his youngest daughter just really fucked up my hair one new years and ugh im nostalgia rambling again))

[tears-of-boredom]

tumblr is lagging in a weird way so i dont know if this is gonna post but

what if I killed myself huh, would that give a chance at the life ive always wanted. i dont even really want to kill myself right now, sometimes specific words just sound right when out together. also earlier i was repeating "she needs to sort out her priorities" in my head because that is the equivalent of vocal stimming to my quiet ass. also yeah im kinda sad about the vibe ive created in my mind around harry potter. its this non-existant thing but still i get like really wishful and sad whenever I think about harry potter. and by "non-existant" i mean that the vibe was completely created by ATYD and is associated in my brain with the whole hp world forever now. and its kinda awful. but also I shouldnt beat myself up over this. because im pretty sure the only reason the vibe stuck so hard is because when i was in one of my earliest depressive episodes, imagining conjuring flowers for myself was how i spent many sleepless nights. but also I'm pretty sure my mom isnt aware of what kind of person jk is, and its really awkward cause we have like two hp mugs and I wanna throw them out but then she said that if I dont wanna use them, she could put them in between the window panes. as decorations. which is even worse. it would be better if the reason we have them still is "we use them to drink stuff.". but I was really fucking tired when she said that and i didnt wanna get into conflict. anyways what the fuck was I talking about im so sorry. guess ive just been dealing with the guilt of still wanting to enjoy the idea of harry potter that i have in my head. and the fics. which admittedly suck a lot of the time. honestly like if you write hp fics just dont mention the differing dorms its really fucking weird, dont keep that weird sexist shit in. I mean, thats assuming that you don't like jk. cuz if you did you'd probably like the sexist shit. you'd probably like how every single fic has at least one "group of giggling girls". anyways yeah i dont really hate myself today, i just think my hormones are a bit rowdy. so i just feel shitty for no reason. its honestly the worst when you cant even pinpoint why in the fuck you feel shitty. anyways im gonna listen to music now because i have not done that in a long fucking while. seriously, i have not had the need to leave the house for so long that id take my earbuds, and otherwise ive been tiring myself out playing on the ps4 so ive not even realised its a thing i can do.

oh cool you can add the read more thing on mobile now.

[shoppingshoppingshoppingshopping]

Jabber Wappin!

I realized I forgot to write updates ont he last 2 albums! Jeez, Way to be on top of it, dude.

So this new album... is good. Hold on let me hit play while i write whatever comes to mind.

so where was i.... oh, so I wasn't completely sick of it when checking the final mixes/mastering in the car 3 days ago. I've listened to it 3 times since then. Yeah there stuff I still want to fix but I need to move on. I have nearly 5 years of songs to finish!

I checked the file dates on the songs and they were all started in summer of 2018! See, I get new song ideas nearly daily. It's so easy for me to write the chords and tempo for a song and basic vocal melodys. often lyrics too. Starting a new song is so much easier than finishing one. Which is why I am 4 and half years behind on my song backlog. I spend most of my music making time trying to make this stuff sound good. My process is usually this when opening and old session:

Listen back and wait for the first thing to trigger a negative feeling. Then fix it. It's often a bad mix issue like you can't hear the kick drum or the snare sound was awful or I played something really badly or the lyrics are too simple, obvious. Sometimes I'll open up a song and it's all there. Here is where I would segue into talking about "Lawyer, guns and crypto" but let's just go in order.

Its so sad: I think this one might be older than 2018. I recall playing this over and over again on guitar when putting my daughter to bed each night and trying different ideas. At one point I realized my vocal line was a complete ripoff of another song. It was nigh impossible to find something else that worked. When I finally popped this open in november of 2022.. (I think that's when I said, "NO NEW SONGS! FINISH THE NEXT ALBUM!" ?) I was able to approach with fresh ears. Well, that was after listening to the 6 different versions I made of it. The really slow sad one was pretty cool but the least finished and I honestly didn't feel like I have the experience to make that one sound like a "song" rather than some boring collection of sounds. So anyway where was I. I dunno. I have ADHD (officially diagnosed thank you very much). I just checked my winter 2022/2023 folder and It looks like I have 6 songs I started when I declared I wasn't going to make anymore until I finished this album. I nodded to that original vocal melody that I accidentally stole with one line of lyrics on this song. I also added a capo at some point because playing this in C felt too obivous (is F with a high E, C, G they key f C?)

I stay Ho ho: I think this started with me chopping up my nephew saying somthing into the mic. There was a track of him singing chopped up n stuff. I also had my lady do it too. they're all layered and edited on top of each other. There's a quote from a movie in the lyrics. Probably easy to spot for many of you.

Hold me im home: I found 2 versions of this. And just the other day i was playing these chords and started a new song before it hit me that i might have used them before. The other version was similar it just didnt have the dream crystals on it and the lyrics were weak.

Still cant chake that feleing: i think my daughter helped me write the melody for this one because I found a track with her freestyling notes and words. I asked her to come sing on it for real but she refused because "i'm not a music person" Oh really? We litterally play "alexa" where she asks for a made up song title and then freestyles a whole new song on the spot nearly everytime we're in the car. I love the dembow sorta beat in this one.

let me alone: man i love that dreamy sound on top. That's an ebow and a slide and some pedals and a guitar of course. I liked the old timey way of say "leave me a lone" I think fred norris of the howard stern had a drop from an old marlon brando movie where he would say it like this.

Lawyers guns and money: this was my favorite song but Keith told me I shouldnt start with it. I just love the narrative about trust fund crypto bros going to columbia and ripping off prostitutes not realzing they're now in the targets of the cartel. Daddy is a senator and needs to send the aformentioned lawyers guns and crypto to save these little shitheals. And yes I am referencing the warren zevon song here. Felt like its a modern update to the idea i think his song is about. I dunno. ive deliberately avoided the song to not be influenced. i guess now that its done I can se how they compare

I pooped on your drums: I have no memory of making this but when I opened the session there was a recording of me telling different kids to say this into a mic. I doubt it was my idea at first. Whenever kids come over they always want to make music. This was originally a trap beat until I heard some bmore/jersey club and thought "oh this would be way better for that song". It took maybe an hour or 2 to whip this into shape.

Ok, so: a crime song. i can write lyrics about crime and corruption so easily sometimes. I just start seeing the movie in my head and write what comes out. Making the words rhyme however is so much harder. the lyrics were hard to tell even soloing the vocal tracks. They're my best guess for my mumbly mouth and what it says. Looks like I just freestyled this one right off the dome as there were no edits at all and nothing was written in the lyrics.txt file in the folder. Other than doubling the solo and giving it a better mix this one was pretty much done. oh and i added the end lyrics during this latest round of finishing

keith, no 1: kieth is my unoficial producer. i send him the songs (not soon enough) to get feedback. i really should do it earlier in the process as he has good ears and great ideas. when he told me he was going to be a dad i thought "dude, you're not gonna be ready for this" and tried to put it in a song that used chords from a song he wrote. which i think was called "gay racists" or something? I dont even remember just that that title is somehow linked to a song idea he sent me. Maybe that his title? Im just guessing. As I am listening back to the song as I type I hear how this is kind of U2 joshua tree era thing. a lot of my references just come out and I dont cacth them until much later. And yeah keith said I could use his 4 chords on the first section.

Look whos trying: my friend meets sent me a song he was working on and I whipped up the front part of this for him to sing on. We never finished it. When i went back this winter to finish thse songs I found it i tried to see if I could write something new to it and it worked! so its his chords for the first half. i recorded and played everything. He gave me permission to use it. His melody and lyrics are different and likely better. IIRC his first line was "drinking, stinking and never thinking" or somehing like that. The end is all me. Thanks for the permish, meets!

I shoulda kept more notes because I think i had help on one of these from someone else. Probably my lady since I love her voice and ideas. She's always giving me better lyric ideas and melody tweaks.

oh now i remember. Will helped me using AI to generate the characters on the cover. Everything else was me except the dudes will helped with. He and Jaime provided feedback on the design. Thanks dudes!

The title is a quoe aunt em says in the wizard of oz. we were watching it the other night (spolier: its kind of creepy) when she yells "quit yer jabber wapping and get back to work!". I immediately grabbed my note book and wrote it down hoping to gather more good words and quotes but we didnt finish it because it got way to scary for the kid.

[violexides]

IM GOOD NOW !! apparently ur heart rate shouldnt be 200 and that dizziness, fever, and nausea can rlly fuck u up. i was hooked up to like three machines it was TERRIBLEEEEE

And ALSO BAG OF BONES YEAHHH sometimes i sit there and stare at my wall listening to abbey n bag of boneson repeat like same mitski yes same

ABYWAYS HOW R U

AUGH hate that hate that for you. ive only ever had an IV in before and that was fucking horrible so i cant imagine having like THREE OF THOSE ... absolutely sick and twisted but i am glad you are doing better

YEAH LITERALLY its just. it knocks my ass to the floor whenever i listen to it it hits me so goddamn hard

I AM GOOD! listening to music and trying to get a college application finished up today (my counselor is on winter break which is good for her bc like dont overwork yourself! but we do have january second deadlines so im like maam please) . i dont know why there's so much country on my playlist like i dont mind country but this is the kind i dont like and idk how it got onto my listen to later ANYWAY maybe someday ill find a good new song -_-

HOW ARE YOU aside from The Horrors