#should've i stayed with him?

[monster0sinful]

I want to vent here again about my online ex friend and I know I posted about it before but I felt that it wasn't consistent or maybe I'm just not good at typing very long posts at all. I'll try to be straightforward here about what I'm about to say precisely.

You see, I once had an online friend (before I made new ones recently from Reddit) on Twitter whom I personally knew for 4 years during the pandemic before we moved to Discord to chat there comfortably. In the beginning, I think we role played as our ocs in the Villainous fandom (I'm no longer in it) but we eventually started to text more as time went on. I remember that he initially didn't let me say anything while he was sharing his interests to me like he would just ignore what I said and keep rambling on until I called him out because I wanted to share my interests too rather than to listen to him, I wanted to engage in a conversation.

A few things that you need to know about my former online friend is that he was autistic and he suffered from CPTSD, he was a bit younger than me (we're both adults, don't worry), a trans man, a goth/metalhead and a Satanist. I really didn't mind that he's a Satanist unless he uses his beliefs to harm others or seems like a cult is when I'll have a problem with it.

As the years went by, he would tell me about his trauma in a venting manner but he would occasionally trauma dump on me without any warning whatsoever even when I greeted him, I think he took that as an invitation to do so. I should've called him out on that but I didn't want to seem rude and uncaring in his time of need. The other problem I had with him is that he wouldn't take some things I say very lightly as if I'm personally attacking him when all I'm doing is giving him advice on bettering himself on his mental health.

I actually did called him out for lashing out at me at times and he would apologize. I don't condone the things I said and done to trigger his trauma in our almost frequent arguments a few times, my close friend did say that it sounded more like we're both emotionally incompatible as friends, it does explain my questioning of our friendship despite we seemed "close" to the point where he admitted to see me as a big sister figure to him.

I also noticed that he acts very child-like all the time 24/7. My other close friend said that his autism really doesn't define him, it's his personality that does and that's coming from someone who is diagnosed with aspergers when I brought that up about him. I remember that one time I had to give him a heads up if I seemed really moody due to my menstrual cycle and he told me that he was uncomfortable of me saying that to him, I shit you not, I really got annoyed that he was uneasy with a natural normal thing of women that is something we can't control whether you're uncomfortable or not.

The most ironic thing is that not only is he a trans man, he's also bisexual and yet he's uncomfortable with something that happens naturally in women, to me that shows his maturity level but I have no explanation why I glossed that over back then. I now noticed how immature he is because I made a new online friend who is a guy and takes about the menstrual cycle very maturely (he's a bit older than me).

My former online friend really has an misfortune in having a few shitty friends yet stays with them. I remember that one of them ditched him and the other (although online) had a fall out with him for stupid reasons. I tried to warn him about them but he never listens to me and I can't do anything plus that he doesn't have a spine to stand up for himself against them for treating him badly nor telling them how he feels.

My online ex friend really doesn't have an excuse to have an attitude with me sometimes, his autism nor his trauma is never an excuse, those are reasons. I was starting to become distant with him, I didn't want to talk to him a lot and gave him short answers because his unresolved emotional baggage was really starting to take its toll on me...I was overwhelmed and frustrated. I tried suggesting him to go seek professional help but he refused due to his one bad experience with a therapist years ago.

The final straw is that he acted a bit rude during his drunken stupor and I lost it. I grilled on him about his occasional shitty behavior so badly to the point where he had a mental breakdown through text admitting that he's a selfish prick, that was what I needed to hear. It's good that he admits his poor mental health although he doesn't do anything about it.

I now have complicated views about him in the aftermath and I'm doing fine without him, he really needs to seek help in order for him to be in a functional friendship with others. I have second thoughts if I was the asshole to leave him because of his unresolved emotional baggage and trauma, am I?

[youngpettyqueen]

truly a crime we didnt get to see more of Miles' reaction to Julian being augmented because I think he should've punched Richard Bashir in the face

[pinnkchampagne]

[beanghostprincess]

The fact that Roy can't see her like this,,, I am throwing up

[kitespark]

sorry to all of you white middle aged man lovers out there but shane madej subtly shifting the blame with the whole 'steven, talk about money' feels like a pathetic way to salvage the hip leftist uncle persona he's got going on and you all are waiting for him to return to your embrace like some prodigal son who was forced and didn't go on his own accord

[pittsburghhockeybirds]

Enola: My nincompoop is too tall for me to kiss him, what do I do?

Eudoria: Punch him in the stomach, then when your boy doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Edith: Tackle him!

Mycroft: Dump him.

Sherlock: Kick your boy in the shin.

Tewkesbury: NO ENOLA! NO TO ALL OF THOSE, JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN!

[bluesidebun]

I'M SO ANGRY AND DEVASTATED, what was it all for? If Toichi is alive why would he make his teenage son a criminal? Why would he put him at risk? He could die. I don't think there's anything that could justify Kaito's involvement, he was suppose to be a normal 17 year old aspiring to be a magician.

[saturnniidae]

Ngl Hiccup's 'glow up' was a tragedy. KEEP HIM SMALL AND UGLY!!!

[introspectivememories]

i think what really sells me on brocedes is the fact that they still, to this day, live in the same building. isn't that crazy??? your ex best friend with whom you had a very public falling out with still lives in the same building as you. no one told them to stay there, they chose to do that!!! like nico, i understand. he's got a wife and kids. it'd probably be too much work to uproot them and move somewhere new. but lewis? every time i blink that man is at a new fashion show or fuckin hanging out with shakira. he does not have to live there!!! he does not have to live two floors away from his ex childhood best friend!! and like i know for a fact that there are other luxury condos or apartment or whatever in monaco!! he does not have to do this!!!

[metiredlr]

I like to believe that back in S2 when they revisited Teikoku if Endou wasn't a libero that one time, Genda would've helped Endou "find his true sakka" and Ijigen the hand would've been born cuz like. Look at these. WE COULDVE HAD IT ALL

[beastsovrevelation]

Shelley Conn as Beelzebub and John Hamm as Gabriel (Good Omens)

[cesarescabinet]

Being a Skyvik fan gives me whiplash with how they've been handled I swear.

[spotaus]

Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡

So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.

At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.

Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.

I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.

So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.

If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.

[pinnkchampagne]

We could go back to Woodstock

Where they don't know who we are...

[the-red-thread-that-strangles]

I was wondering what Akai is up to in the sweater weather AU, so here you go

I.

Akai Shuichi is a thrillseeker at heart, but even he has his limits.

So when his mother, conveniently pocket-sized but still as sharp as ever, threatens him with a gun and lays into him, not for faking his death, but, of all things, for not mentioning his partner to her, he privately questions her priorities but decides to tell her the truth. He certainly likes to live dangerously, but he wouldn't be alive today if he didn't know how to pick his battles.

While she seems initially confused, the conversation about Akemi quickly veers off-track when his mother asks him to repeat her family name. Miyano, as in, her sister's daughter Miyano Akemi. Shuichi didn't even know he had an aunt. Not that it matters much, since he knows Akemi's parents died years ago. Eventually his mother leaves him alone, both of them too caught up in their heads to continue the conversation.

Shuichi's not really sure what to feel about all of that. So he doesn't.

.

He's not always been good at managing his emotions, but it's pretty close. When his father taught him how to hunt, and the misery of seeing proud game succumb to his shots had almost swallowed him alive, something cracked under the pressure. And whatever that was, despite Shuichi's best efforts, it has never quite healed alright. It left him with a slight gap between his thoughts and feelings, giving him that bit of extra distance necessary to keep going instead of breaking down. He'd come to understand, then, with a clarity born from numbness, death as an integral part of life. It comes for all living things, sometimes too early, and there really is no way to escape it. There's no use in fighting. Better get used to it.

The FBI counsellor called it repression, many years later, and while it was not even close to immediate grounds for disqualification from the program, she tried to give Shuichi reading materials on mindfulness and self-reflection. He hasn't touched them; the ability has been too helpful so far. He would've shattered several times over without it; when his father disappeared and his world threatened to break apart; when he decided to leave his family, including an unborn sister, behind for the ghost of a chance to find his father; and most often since he went undercover for the FBI. There's no fooling himself, compartmentalization and repression are probably the only reasons he can talk about the years and years of dirty work, including everything from blackmail to torture and murder, without losing his sanity. People call him cold-blooded and emotionally unavailable, and mean it as an insult. Shuichi can't bring himself to care. Life is complicated enough without emotions thrown into the mix. He needs to control some factors and keep them simple. Himself, he can control - mostly. So he does.

And he's good at it, but some days, it's too much.

.

Dealing with Akemi's untimely demise has always been difficult. He made a mistake when he got attached to his target. He can't even claim that he didn't know better, at the time, because he did, he just chose to ignore his better judgement. Couldn't help it, really. She was so easy to get along with, gentle yet tough as nails in a way that gave him, too, the strength needed to make a name for himself as a hitman. Those first couple of months before he learned not to sleep too much, when he came back from his missions feeling stained in blood that never even touched him, when he maintained his cover throughout the day and threatened to break apart by night, she was there to steady him. And she allowed him to be gentle with her, to hold her and love her and promise her the world. He needed desperately to not just be a monster, and she managed to see the man in him.

Now he's left to wonder if the easy familiarity he settled into with Akemi was a result of their relation. Such a pointless question.

.

With the help of a few glasses of Maker's Mark, a pack of cigarettes, and a probably unhealthy amount of emotional distancing, he manages to lay the matter to rest, for now. Until the organisation is dealt with, he can't afford to let his emotions get in the way, so he buries them as deep as he can, and applies logic to the problem.

Ultimately, he reasons, rhythmically assembling and disassembling his IWI Jericho to give his hands something to do, it doesn't really change things. What matters is that he loved her and she died for it. Whatever he learned after can't tarnish that memory. It's a simple fact that he needs to keep going to avenge her; aside from that, all he can do right now is remember her, and honour her last request. That's the active parameter he can affect: he will see to it that Miyano Shiho is protected, or die trying.

Shuichi considers telling the girl they're cousins, and eventually, he will - if she doesn't figure it out before that, keen as she is. But for now, she still doesn't trust him, has too much to worry about, and honestly, for a supposedly dead man he has enough tetchy family connections already. Maybe, when all of this is over, he can tell Masumi - she's a bit too careless to be told now, and he hopes his mother shares this assessment. But his little sister is great at breaking the ice, and he's sure she would love to hear she has more family. It might do Shiho well, too, knowing she isn't as alone as she might think. Their family is odd enough that she'll fit right in.

He's not sure he'd wish it upon her, though. Dealing with his darling mother always involves a headache of some kind. He is reminded once again why he didn't join the MI6, and why he tries to keep contact with her to a minimum. Still, somewhere deep down and buried, he's glad she seems to be well enough to feel like going out and threatening him. It's almost cute, even if she's deadly.

.

Despite his best efforts not to let it affect him, emotional exhaustion sticks to him through the next couple of days, uneventful as they are. Sleeping would probably help, but he keeps himself awake with coffee where he can, only napping a couple hours a day. Shuichi's life is one of constant vigilance, of surveillance and planning and striking at precisely the right time. And it suits him just fine, patience is in his nature. But while he's not on a mission, it sometimes leaves him just a little bit bored. The Kudo library is extensive, but there's only so many mystery novels he can read before his mind starts to wander. Trying not to think of Akemi's death is like trying not to think about pink elephants once he has been reminded of them. The comparison is uncharitable, and he knows she wouldn't appreciate his brooding, but it's not like he has much else to occupy himself with. Yes, there are the preparations for a joint operation against the organization coming up in a little over a month, and there's a class Okiya Subaru has to attend Tuesday evenings, but it's not like they require his full attention. He still tries to give it to them.

II.

Shuichi's not sure whether it's a blessing or a curse that he's meeting with Furuya Rei a couple of days after the ill-fated encounter with his mother.

Their relationship is tumultuous at best, and murderous at worst, complicated in the way all interactions containing Furuya tend to be, as the man is dictated by exactly the kind of emotions Shuichi tries to avoid. Granted, it is a rather one-sided disagreement; as with most things, Shuichi has no strong feelings about Furuya. He respects the other agent's abilities, particularly the fact he is still undercover, and teasing him is surprisingly fun. That's about it. Shuichi's keenly aware of Furuya's flaws, but as long as they don't bother their operations, he's not going to do anything about them.

In fact, in the last weeks - months really, at this point - he's been enjoying going along with Furuya's whims, meeting him to exchange the sweaters he seems to be so obsessed with. When he's not trying to hound him, Furuya can be somewhat decent company, chattering away about the mundane things that irritate him. Until he realizes he's been too pleasant, at which point he gets a little volatile to make sure Shuichi understands they're not actually friends. It's nothing Shuichi can't handle, and to be completely honest, he appreciates a little less boredom in his life.

Today, though, doom and gloom and failure still on his mind, he's not really up for playing games with the PSB agent. They know each other better than anyone else alive, aside from maybe Morofushi. Furuya will understand.

So he prepares a bag, shoves the sweater Furuya requested in, double-checking it's the right one because he really doesn't need another lecture right now, and waits for the agent to break into the Kudo mansion so he can hand it over and be done with it. Considering he's an ally now, Shuichi would offer him a key, but he's got the distinct impression Furuya would somehow misconstruct it as an insult to his abilities.

.

Exactly five minutes ahead of schedule, there's the click of the first-story balcony door, and Shuichi pads down from the sniper nest in the attic to meet his guest. Wordlessly, he holds out the bag to Furuya in the hallway. "Not even a good evening? Lacking in manners as usual, Akai Shuichi." Shuichi shrugs, can't be bothered. Shakes the bag. "Here's what you came for." Furuya's eyes narrow, scan across his form, then his brows furrow. An expression Shuichi hasn't seen on him before crosses his face, and before he has time to interpret it, it's gone, replaced by a smirk. "Hey, Akai." He stretches, dangling his own bag overhead. "That takedown you performed on the serial killer two weeks ago. Teach it to me." Shuichi stares back, unimpressed. "Maybe next time, I'm not-" Two quick steps, and Furuya's in his space, eyes blazing blue, looking up at him so impossibly bright. "That wasn't a question, Akai." He grins, eyes shining. "Or you're not getting your sweater back."

Shuichi almost lets out a laugh. That's gotta be up there somewhere in the top five stupidest threats he's ever been issued. Which is really saying something, considering he spent his teenage years in a high school in the US, and then some more years with FBI trainees in Quantico. What is it with Furuya and his sweater fixation? Akai doesn't care, he can have them all if it gets him out of his hair.

Unfortunately, Shuichi's best death glare doesn't seem to have the desired effect. Determination is either Furuya's best or worst quality, depending on how much trouble his current agenda involves, and for the sake of Shuichi's time, it's probably quicker to go along with him than to try and forcibly relocate him, even if he's certain he could. With a quiet sigh he makes for the basement gym.

.

Where his temper shines through in conversations, Furuya's presence in a fight is that of a wildfire, contained in a person. When he fights, he burns, sucking the oxygen and attention out of his surroundings, doesn't allow for distractions or he'll singe and bite and sting whatever is in his path. He takes to Akai's instructions easily, and soon enough they're no longer practicing but engaged in a sparring match. Furuya doesn't leave him time to consider anything else, at all, and damnit, that fervour of his is contagious. The battlejoy kicks in, hard, and Shuichi finds himself mirroring the PSB agent's mad grin as they wrestle for dominance, toss each other into the mat, twist and turn and struggle on the fine line between play and serious fighting.

Once they're staying down on the mats, the battle is over quickly; one moment he has Rei in a full-body pin, sure of his surrender; only for the man to twist his legs, shift their positions, and straddle Shuichi, bending down to choke him. He's stunning like this, flushed and panting for breath, his scorching gaze focused intently on Shuichi and Shuichi alone, looking for an opportunity to make him yield. An effigy of life itself.

Shuichi can't help it; his heart soars, his blood sings, his body shivers. Rei is a pinpoint focus of light, and then everything goes dark.

.

Sweater weather AU masterpost

[angelsdean]

just thinking abt spn's horrible no good very bad finale and a thing that frustrates me a lot abt stories in general.....the epilogue that leaves no room for fans to conjure up more story. like, don't give me epilogues that flash forward many years into the character's lives or show the ends of their lives. i'd always rather leave the characters right where they are. people want to imagine futures for their favorite characters. stories that tie up every loose end, that bring you to the end of a character's lives for no reason other than to have the last word on where the character ends up are often unsatisfying. characters' lives don't stop when the story ends. sometimes a story is only a slice of a character's life. a glimpse. a window. other times we spend years and years with those characters. but their lives don't have to end when the story does.

i'd rather have had spn end on 15x19, ambiguous, open-ended, with the question of what comes next? they've defeated god, they're free, now what will they do with that freedom? go rescue cas from the empty? find a way to get jack back and free him from the god role? move out of the bunker? retire? that's for you to decide.

but the finale stomped on all that. it said, no this is how it ends. this is it. this is their story. the book is closed now. thee end.

and of course, we can do what we want and override that because this IS a supernatural fantasy show after all. jackles himself did it. he said, "no, actually, this isn't the end for dean." but still, that finale wanted to be obtrusive. it wanted to hinder any possible futures for these characters. it wanted to have the last word. and it's so very chuck. so very, network interference. it's an epilogue that wears the veneer of a happy ending with the sound of a prison door slamming shut.