#shitfics

[muyru-iru]

Obi Wan Kenobi: why do I see my master's former master in Dexters having a discussion with your brother? Cody: which brother? Obi Wan Kenobi: red one, reversed colours, the one that beat me at sabacc, my rivalist in being sarcastic? Cody: FOX?!!!! Meanwhile in Dexter: Fox: you came with a proposition...you're up for the chancellor seat and will grant us vacation, you say? Count Dooku: don't you need a jedi? I can be of your assistant and so do you. I have striking intel to give. You seem competent enough for me to take interest. And what do you mean the chancellor seat is free? Fox: well...you know...accidents happen. Master Yoda: no accidents there is, Fox. Greet you, little grand padawan. Count Dooku: excuse me?!

[supernova41st]

Can I request tf2 mercs with a reader who is literally the Embodiment of >:3, like reader will hide spy's knife in a different mercs room, leave a singular finger mark on heavy's weapon, replace demoman's skrumpy with coffee, ect ect. Basically reader is a little sh!t and loves to tease the mercs (the reader is basically a cat who's only Purpose is to make the mercs have tiny Inconveniences on the daily)

So unkawaii of you.. 🍡

Tf2 x reader

A/n: hi g🍅🍅🍅🍅 owww stop it 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅stop pls🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅a🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅I just wanted to🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅say h🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅i🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅im sorryr🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅stopitp🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅ls

Warnings: Piss drinking, ‘I’m a minor’

They’re all this close 🤏 to executing you. Can you blame them? You’re a menace!!

Your antics were first just “you so crazy girl!!!” To “you’re fucking insane.”

You do the absolute most, you can’t just touch heavy’s gun and leave it at that! You have to grab a bunch of Lisa Frank stickers and decorate poor Sasha

“Holy fuck y/n what the hell did you do..”

“What? It looks better.”

Once heavy entered battle he noticed people snickering at him, that was when he noticed all the cute stickers on Sasha

Yeah you’re as good as dead

They will never let you near a phone again, once scouts MOM called the base and you just happen to be right next to it..

“Hello?”

“Hi!! I’m Jeremy’s mom just calling to see if he’s doing okay”

“No he died sorry” click

2hours later

“WHO THE FUCK TOLD MY MA I DIED??”

Sometimes the beef at the base isn’t about you, so you have to make it about you

‘a bunch of screaming’

“AHHHHHHH”

“WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU SCREAMIN’ FOR?”

“idk I’m going to sleep”

UnSpiking beer>>>

You can replace it with coffee ORRRR, grab one of snipers jars yes we’re going there

“Y/n, you low down scallop.”

“Why are you blaming me? Snipers the one who pisses in jars!!”

The gaslighting is unreal when it comes to you, no one is safe from your manipulation

Esp on the enemy team, you’d pretend to be hurt and immediately shoot them

“Ow you broke my fucking nose asshat!!”

“Shoot uhh, hey I know I’m not supposed to do this bu-“

“Sike” 💥

Belittling the mercs is also fun, you’d randomly pinch their cheeks or scratch their ear like their some dog to really get them mad

But as soon as one lays a finger on you all hell breaks lose

“Nice job out there private!!” Back pat

“STOP TOUCHING ME, I DIDN’T GIVE CONSENT. IM A MINOR, A MINOR.”

😣..

You fuck with scouts relationships sm, imagine calling into Ms paulings phone and acting like ur his sidepiece

“Hello?”

“ARE YOU THE WHORE MY BOYFRIEND JEREMY IS HOOKING UP WITH?

“What?”

“YOU BETTER PLAN YOUR FUNERAL NOW CUZ GIRL TRUST YOU WILL BE DEALT WITH.”

Then you casually watch a scout and Pauling fight over something you started like

[rars]

𝒀𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝑫𝒊𝒂𝒗𝒐𝒍𝒐 𝒀/𝑵 𝑭𝒂𝒏𝒇𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

Content warnings: sexy yandere i don't fucking know dude, the word "ravage" is used

One day you're walking down the street and you see a man with pink hair. You think, "ooh it'd be so sexy if he kidnapped me." So you approach him to seduce him into kidnapping you and holding you in a jail cellar or some shit. "Hey, handsome," you greet. "Wanna ravage me?"

He looks at you with, frightened green eyes. "Do not speak to me." He starts walking away from you quickly. You walk faster.

"Wait, mister," you needily plead. "I need you to do things to me!"

He uses King Crimson to skip time and suddenly he's gone. You successfully frightened a man that hasn't had an intimate relationship in 15 years. Hot.

[geekghoul]

Ok but hear me out.

Can Jiang Cheng not run the Jiang Sect??

Why is he the only one with no backup plan. There’s two Lans, two Nies, and a plethora of Jins , notably Meng Yao.

So why does Jiang Cheng, middle(well actually youngest but whatever) child of the century gotta be the one in hot water. Fucking marry him off and let Wei Ying and/or Yanli run shit. Jin Zixuan or Lan Zhan could totally move to Lotus Pier and affect nothing? Im inclined to Yanli running Shit and WangXian going wherever theyre needed. But just give JC a fecking break istg

[peebls]

Fandom when I write a serious, long thought out project: 😒🙄🥱🤦😮‍💨😴

Fandom when I write the stupidest brainrot you ever did hear of: 👀🤩💖💋🤤

[fefairys]

man a lot of the pesterquest routes are just like. batshit fucking bananas but then they end really nicely in a way that makes me feel bad for criticizing the beginning and middle parts

[cymorilcinnamonroll]

Swifties in Hell

Shannon was in presale for Eras Tour tickets, frantically clicking the mouse and refreshing the screen on Ticketmaster as Samael loomed like an omen in the background.

“FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUCK,” the redheaded biology student said, sweat a sheen on her freckled face as seats were claimed, and she was ten thousandth in line. “We’re never going to get Taylor Swift tickets for us and the guys, Samael!”

Samael peered down the long, bent and hooked length of his nose with eyes that burned like the red fires of Mordor. “Beelzebub will be so disappointed. His favorite music is whiny spoiled blondes complaining about their whorish Millennial dating debacles.”

“Oh, shush, Sam, you love ‘Shake It Off’ – holy shit, WE GOT THEM FOR US AND THE GUYS!!!”

“Woohoo. I want to die.”

She jumped, screaming, and tackled Sam. “We’re going to D.C.. to see TAYLOR SWIFT! I’m throwing a Swiftie party in the Hellopolis BASEMENT tomorrow, and you all HAVE TO COME.”

“Can I claim the fourth.”

She smothered him with kisses. “My dream!”

“I thought I was your dream, Shannon.”

“I mean, I love you, Sam, but Taylor Swift is like the female Messiah.”

He cradled Shannon in his arms, kissing his girlfriend. “You mean a white woman Shai Hulud, a sandworm infecting Zoomer and Millennial girl brains and making them spend their life savings on pink tacky vinyls and bimbo-branded merchandise.”

“Alexa, play ‘Shake It Off,’” Shannon said without skipping a beat.

The lyrics came on, and Samael could not stop his demon tail from thumping along in time.

Shannon grasped his black tail, then began to suck on its pointed heart-shaped end.

Samael moaned, bucking into her. “I am not fucking to Taylor Swift – oh fuck, take me here you scarlet harridan, on the floor like a rawdog bear.”

“As you say, Matty Healy.”

Shannon was dressed like a Tortured Poet, beret on, white paper-covered dress with fresh ink, a typewriter in the basement office, pale pink cupcakes with illuminated poetry icing she had baked, an ice cream cake with a picture of Matty Healy, and she had forced Samael to wear a red scarf.

“Welcome, everyone, to the Swifties in Hell party!” Shannon, eternally nineteen due to Samael forcing his heart in black alchemical larceny on her, proclaimed to the archdemons. The usually sere, black, bone covered, and gore spattered dank basement had been painted pink, with balloons, a Taylor Swift cutout, and pink mood lighting. She had sprayed Bath and Body Works vanilla bean perfume over the myrrh and rot.

Asmodeus was chagrined, a succubi hooker on his arms, her triple red tits blushed with bruisy kisses: “Um, Shannon, what is this exactly?”

Beelzebub was drinking a watermelon Whiteclaw Shannon had filled the cooler with, instead of their usual blood wine and hell beer. “Tasty. Girly shit. But tasty.”

Lucifer checked the cake, then helped himself to some. “I think Shannon’s forcing us to another concert. Samael, your outfit is gay.”

“I’m apparently John Mayer.”

Shannon was busy making candy bead friendship bracelets with Asmodeus’ naked hell prostitute, Batsheva. She ignored them.

“Omg, Bat. I love Cornelia Street to!”

“But girl,” Batsheva said. “The way Joe Alwyn did her dirty.”

It was not very easy fitting thirteen foot tall, clawed, multiple headed, insect and beast appendaged demons into Capital One Arena, but Shannon made do. They had floor tickets.

“She’s very peppy,” Lucifer observed as Taytay played guitar and danced in a sparkly uni and go go boots.

“I’d rather be at Falling in Reverse,” Samael sighed, smoking like a chimney, now dressed as Travis Kelce, Shannon in his lap, bouncing along.

“Oh shit, this is GOOD. Go Taytay!” Asmodeus hooted.

Beelzebub was swapping spit with a Swiftie twink.

Finally, ‘Shake It Off’ came on. Energy swelled in the mesmerized crowd, and Samael felt rhythmic, feral white girl energy enter his ancient, blackened bones.

“Oh god, I get it. I GET SWIFTIEMANIA. SHE IS THE FEMALE MESSIAH!” Sam cried, having a white girl revelation.

The demons cried and danced. Shannon rode Samael’s shoulders as they got up to totally G-rated debauchery, candy bracelets on, phone lights swaying, screaming and crying

In

Demonic Swiftie

Frenzy.

It was the best night, so far

Of Samael’s

Life.

[supernova41st]

What about the mercs with a fem SO that talks in brainrot sometimes? Would really want medic in there but it's up to you!

Mercs x Brainrot!Reader

A/n: WHY IS THE TF2 FANDOM SO OBSESSED WITH THIS IDEA? 😭 I SAW ANOTHER FIC ABT THIS AND TWO REQUESTS ASKING FOR THIS PLS

warnings: Brainrot.. a lot of images being used, it’s a shit post who cares tbh

Scout

He’s into it too

Guys it’s scout

“Scout ilysm ur so nonchalant <33”

“Thanks babe ^^ I know I’m pretty alpha”

(Oh btw the alpha thing isn’t a joke he unironically listens to alpha male podcasts)

In the middle of spy’s serious moments you’d both lip sync ‘you are my sunshine’ to each other when he’s not looking

“what the bloody hell are you guys doing..”

“…perhaps itz a coping mechanizm zince scout doesn’t have a father?”

Medic really had to take it there

The ‘fatherless child’ meme was a coping mechanism for him tho

“I’m a fatherless child, of course I have abandonment issues”

“Um babe? Idk if you should joke abt that 😚”

“Na it just makes me more sigma”

You guys love to fuck with the blu team sm with your shenanigans, esp sniper!!

Scout would have his bat and you would have whatever weapon you have with you and yell “skibidi�� before jumping him

Here’s something he DEFINITELY didn’t learn from you 💯

creds to urwhouchoose2b on Tik tok

Engineer

He tries so hard to understand

Whenever you show him a meme he does the classic old person holding phone away from eyes thing

Yk the

“Ok so this is the ‘im nothing like y’all’ fish”

“alrighty, and this is..?”

“Oh that’s the Freddy five bear meme, see it’s funny cuz his name is actually ‘Freddy fazbear’ but they got his name wrong so like.. yeah”

“…I’m not sure what I’m ‘posed to say ‘bout this, but I think you belong in a looney bin”

Once he had a project that had the word “alpha” in it and he hated mentioning it to you cuz yk

“giggle”

“…what?”

“Skibidi alpha”

“What??”

Demo man

HE LOVES IT LMFAOO

he’s so energetic esp when he’s drunk so he’s happy to have someone he can share that energy with

Y’all know that “Scotland forever” meme

Well you screamed it after another victory as a joke, but when demo heard it he was confused but also excited?

“SCOTLAND FOREVAA”

“OH? ALRIGHT THEN, SCOTLAND FOREVER 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿”

cut to him butt chugging beers

Demo doesn’t get it but he has the spirit

He’ll be right there replicating the TikTok audios after taking the point

Dude is drunk 99% of the time so he’s never bothered to ask what any of this means, he’s just in it for the fun

Once you dragged him to the bathroom since he drake too many beers (shocker) but he didn’t want to do it in the toilet cuz he didn’t want to ‘hurt his dear skibidi’

“Cmon demo you have to puke it out!!”

“Noo, take me to the jawbox I don’t wanna hert me skibidi toilet”

“Oh god what have I done”

I think you rotted his brain a little too much

Spy

Don’t even get him started.

He’s so sick of your antics it’s not even funny

“Guys we all have to remember that it’s not about the money.. it’s about the skibidi.”

Passionately grabs spy’s shoulder

“How have you made it this far in life”

Unlike engie, he really doesn’t want to know about it

Especially during missions

“lol spy you’re so devious ASF”

“shhh, enough blabbering!!”

“You are not carti 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️❌‼️‼️‼️”

You make fun of him a bunch, he can’t think of a single moment where you took him seriously

“Y/n get off the cart!!”

“If we were in Fortnite I’d have higher ground + double pump.”

[feligayzed]

your p.ai.nter and your surface au are making me ILL (positive) im a huge huge fan ...

UM! if youd allow me to ask can you tell me all about surface au .... i need to know everything about them so i can be MORE ILL ABOUT THEM!!

HIHIHI!!! AUGH I finally have time to sit down and yap, I've been thinking about this ask all day SKJSJCJ AAAA FIRST AND FOREMOST I'm so glad you're enjoying it and it's making you deathly ill!!!! Good!!! Suffer!!! Along with me and the five other mentally unbalanced watercolor heathens here 🙂‍↕️ /silly

So!! Originally I thought it up just as an excuse to draw human(ish) Seb kissing and cuddling a robot in dire need of it, but then I Thought some more and it transformed into a hurt/comfort/healing au?? The healing being from the shared trauma they endured back at the Blacksite (working through it via various measures and expanding their relationship as a whole), while simultaneously learning how to function in a modern world they are very much unfamiliar with

The general premise is Sebastian gains most of his human form back, with Painter to help assist him in recovery, like physical therapy and reintroducing him to society XD Sebastian having a difficult time processing emotions now that he's free and it all has time to sink in, etc etc~ The same goes for Painter, however, and they're just gonna have to work it out together cuz they got BAGGAGE no therapist is qualified for. Our dear Painter has their fair share of shit too, such as the sapiency debate most people have an aversion to (because how could an object process thoughts and emotions in a meaningful way?? Unheard of! /sar)

And the rest is just domestic silliness because they're allowed some happiness 😁 and because I'm under the firm belief Sebastian would become a house wife if someone let him /hj

But that's basically it!! One big fat drawing prompt really (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠) I commend you for making it through this whole yap sesh fr 🙏 if you're still interested just let me know and if I have sudden Thoughts I'm more than happy to drop them unannounced 💥💥💥 DOODLES FROM MY SHITFIC AS A TREAT‼️

[nervous-young-homo]

time to bring back out these screenshots that i have NOT deleted because they’re so fucking funny

the thing about mangoball is that it has an honest to god truly unique sense of humor pulled from online stan culture and amplified to extreme camp. and i mean this one hundred percent seriously: it’s a genuine masterpiece. genre defining. it should go down in history as one of the most important pieces of fan content ever created. the way it is such a perfect reflection of 2021 mcyttwt. an incredible satire of rpf and the way fans ignore the complexities of a cc’s humanity in favor of casting them into fandomized versions of who they are. and above all it’s fucking funny. like dear lord it’s so funny

[oifaaa]

Most people only subscribe to Tim's A03 because they love reading the innevitable comment battle between Tim and this Austen fanfic writer whenever he uploads. Nobody knows why this writer of such elegant prose has such beef with a shitfic writer, but they live for the literay roasting that happens.

Tim's fics always have a weirdly huge amount of comments on them for the size of the fic /how many kudos the actual fic has it gets to the point if you sort all ao3 fics by comments the first 5 results are Tim's rpf batman fics

[butwhatifidothis]

you know what anon, go fuck yourself. my askbox has anon turned off so if you wanna come at me, do it with your name attached to your pathetic whining i'm a trans man. do you wanna know how cap'nfart69 treats being a trans man, narratively? he says ingrid is a trans man because of gender stereotypes, and has her complain about being called "dame" exactly once. but he doesn't refer to her as a man even once, he narratively treats her like a woman because he doesn't actually give a shit about a trans man ingrid headcanon. and why? because he loves edelgrid

he loves edelgrid in part because it's a f/f ship that - according to him - is defiant against heteronormative patriarchical oppression. and this is reinforced by the fact that all the men in cap'nfart's fic (especially the ones that aren't a part of the shit-n-piss force) are treated like demons. he likes ingrid, so why would he actually commit to making her a man? when men are inferior to him?

you know how fucking hurtful that is? according to cap'nfart and his idiot little friends, i'm a cis woman because i don't like stereotypical guy things. i like art, fashion, makeup - things he deems girl things, things he says are part of why ingrid is a trans man in canon, supposedly, because she hates them

and let's NOT start on the whole "kronya taking on monica's appearance and name is totally a transgender allegory, tee hee!" is downright transphobic

so tell me, you fucking coward, should i take this lying down? i think the fuck not. maybe shut the fuck up about calling someone rightfully criticising a bigoted shitfic being just as bad as the fucking bigots

Door's open nonnie

[den-kunn]

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

that looks SICK

One chance, one shot

I said i was gonna make a drawing out of @/den-kunn 's post about my idea and i'm a man of word

I know the perspective is- really off but i couldn't really do more 💀

[fefairys]

so brave to post satire where it is subtle and if people don’t get it they just think you’re Really Fucking Stupid

[burstinn]

I'm thinking of writing something cod that isn't about König again.. Love him but I need a break from him fr.

I'm giving y'all options here 😞🙏🙏

Or just say someone in a fandom idk..

Not König tho.. He needa break.

I'll be back.. In a week.

To check

[essayofthoughts]

There's this thing, sometimes, when reading fic - not shitfic, because I do read that and I know what to expect from it, but fic with actual thought and nuance, which cares about exploring trauma and fucked up emotional consequences, evenwhen when they're ugly and uncomfortable and awful -, when you realise that while the fic is willing to have the protagonists be angry but get over it with some characters, they just refuse to with others. And it can make sense to a degree - there's always one character that gets under another's skin, and there's gonna be some disagreements that just, due to individual perspectives, are that much harder to overcome. Even though having them work through it - having a character admit how and when and where they fucked up, and how severely, and the degree to which they recognise this, the internal complex, contradictory fuckery - can be fun! Can be nuanced and messy and delicious.

Then you see the fic says "[X Character] Bashing" and you realise you're never gonna get that. That those crunchy, messy, complex, fun scenes in your head? Will never leave it, because the author has decided that while they'll put in all this engaging messy nuance for (so far) literally every other character... for this single one, a flat one-sided view of a character is all they can be arsed to write.

I dunno, yeah, it's fic and you can write what you like, but bashing has always felt incredibly, astoundingly lazy to me.