#shit this is a lot of hashtags but lets see what i reel in

[ferrerochocobo]

Hey! So- since there's a lotta ffxv servers out there but only a few for antagonists (and what feels like little to none for ocs) I'm thinking of making up a Discord server for Ardyn. Where we can do our antagonist thing like a bunch of butts and appriciate the Scourge and upcoming dlc and writings and oc stuff.

If you like the idea. ❤ or reblog or any of that. I will do my best to give you the Discord we antagonist-lovers need.

[yourheartonfire]

Hiii! I was wondering if you could do a story where a villain captured the hero but through the entire process on questioning the villain is amused and nonchalantly drinking tea from a fancy China teacup in his outside gardens while the hero is all battered and bruised and there's alot of tension between the two? No pressure though! I love your stories. Have a lovely day✨

I... wrote this whole f/f thing and only then noticed you said 'his' for the villain. 😕 So I think I'm doing this one twice, but anyway here's go number 1:

"My, my, my," the villain hummed as she put down her tea cup with a little tink and a smile for the battered figure in black dragged before her. It was barely dawn but she looked fresh as deadly nightshade, with a bevy of attendants and assistants who didn't blink an eye as the hero was shoved down to her knees in their midst. "This is the little vigilante who's caused me so much trouble?"

The hero gritted their teeth and said nothing. There was very little else she could do in way of defiance. A different hero, a better hero, would have a quip, or a snide jab, or an actual plan to escape. All the hero had was a splitting headache, bone-deep exhaustion, and fear. 

Of course she'd known there was a chance it all might end like this, in failure and pain. But knowing something was very different than living it. And the hero couldn't stop her gaze from darting nervously to the walls of this penthouse terrace garden, the green flowering vines tumbling delicately over the 30 story drop to the streets below. When the hero turned back, the villain's eyes were sharp and bright, and she had no doubt the villain had clocked her reaction.

"Cat got your tongue, dear?" the villain said with a tilt of her head. "I hope my boys didn't do too much damage. Though I have to say, roughed up is a good look on you. Not many ladies can really pull it off. What's your name?"

The hero breathed through their nose - broken? it felt broken - and glared. 

The villain shrugged. "I guess she won't talk," she announced to her own paperwork, going back to her stack of paperwork. "Toss her over."

"No!" the hero yelped as the goons lifted her by bound arms as if she weighed nothing at all, dragging her to that 300 foot drop. "No, wait! It's Io! I'm Io."

The villain raised an eyebrow. "Io?" But still, she gave a wave of her hand and the hero was dropped back down onto her own two trembling legs. "Sit her down. The rest of you may go," the villain said.

There was a mass shuffling and exodus as the assistants and guards and household staff gathered their notebooks and trays and laptops and streamed away. Someone shoved the hero into ironwork chair and in a rattle of chain affixed her to the cold, wet metal. In a few seconds the hero and villain were alone.

"There now," the villain said, checking her oversized mobile one last time before tucking it away and turning her full, brilliant attention on the hero. "Just us girls."

The hero blinked. "That's... that's not what this is about, is it? We gonna have some hashtag girlboss bonding time?"

The villain chuckled. "Not exactly. Though I will admit, I was intrigued when my boys first reported getting their asses kicked by a girl. You must be thirsty."

She rose to her feet in a smooth movement, refilling her own teacup from the matching pot on the table. The hero sucked in a breath as she realized the villain's intent but dammit, she was thirsty. No point suffering for pride. So when the villain raised the cup to hero's lips, the hero put their mouth over the pale pink lipstick stains and drank. The villain beamed like a proud mother.

"There's so few women in our line of business, on either side," she murmured, wiping away a few stray drops with her thumb. Her hand was very soft, lingering gently under the hero's chin. "And fewer still without some kind of power to level the playing field a bit. Do you have a power, Io?"

"Just rage and spite," the hero snapped, jerking away.

The villain gave a full throated laugh and, almost as an afterthought, backhanded the hero. Hard. The hero reeled. It wasn't the hardest blow she'd taken in the last 24 hours, but for some reason her head was spinning.

"Not that I don't have mad respect for rage and spite," the villain said cheerily. She grabbed the hero's chin, lifted her face again with considerably less gentleness. "Rage and spite got me here. But let's not forget where you are, Io, and exactly what position you are in. Is that your real name?"

"No," the hero whispered. "I mean..." She swallowed. Her mouth felt even drier and the taste of the tea sat bitterly on the back of her throat. "What- what was in the teapot?"

"Quick on the uptake," the villain crooned. "But not quite quick enough. Tell me, do you hide your identity to protect your loved ones from me?"

"Yes. Shit!" The hero strained with all their might against the ropes pinning their arms back, the chain holding them to the chair. It felt like trying to swim through pudding, like trying to punch cotton candy. "I've changed my mind," she gasped. "I'd like to be thrown off the roof."

The villain watched the hero's futile struggle with a fascinated, hungry smile. "Now, now," she said, stroking her hand across the hero's hair. "You can drop the fighter act, dear. I know what you must be feeling. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I've put in a lot of effort to run you to ground, and you did so well against such impossible odds. You can let go now. There's no one here but me to see what happens next."

The hero made a choked noise of horror. "What happens next? What do you want from me?"

The villain put down the teacup on the ground, fishing something out of her pocket. Brass knuckles. "Answers, dear," she said, sliding the metal over her fist. "And I'm going to have so much fun getting them out of you."

In the end, the hero told her everything.

[knimas]

WHAT  IS  YOUR  _  SONG ?

list  the  songs  that  you  most  associate  with  your  muse  experiencing  the  listed  emotions

tagged  by : @blgrntrsh​

GENERAL  THEME  SONG : GUCCI LINEN – blackbear ft. 2 chainz ; my bed is draped in gucci linen / I never say, "I love you" to these women, no / Unless you is my mama, yeah / I take her shopping, tell her "You can have anything you want in here" / When I'm fucking, call me Papa, yeah / They saying I'm a problem yeah / I'm high as a bird, Nelly Furtado, yeah / No Nelly, no Nelly, it's getting hot in here, whoa / I make a lot a year, I see a lot of tears / I made a lot of girls cry, don't really know why

AMBIVALENT  SONG : I HATE U I LOVE U – gnash ft. olivia o’brien ; I miss you when I can't sleep / Or right after coffee / Or right when I can't eat / I miss you in my front seat / Still got sand in my sweaters / From nights we don't remember / Do you miss me like I miss you? / Messed around and got attached to you / Friends can break your heart too / And I'm always tired but never of you / If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit / I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit / I type a text but then I 'nevermind' that shit / I got these feelings but you never mind that shit

ANGRY  SONG : DO RE MI – blackbear ; Yeah, if I could go back to the day we met / I probably would just stay in bed / You run your mouth all over town / And this one goes out to the sound / Of breaking glass on my Range Rover / Pay me back or bitch, it's over / All the presents I would send / Fuck my friends behind my shoulder / Next time I'mma stay asleep / I pray the Lord my soul to keep, oh / And you got me thinking lately / Bitch, you crazy / And nothing's ever good enough / I wrote a little song for ya, it go like / Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, girl / So fuckin' done with all the games you play

PARANOID  SONG : AFRAID – the neighbourhood ; All my friends always lie to me / I know they're thinking / You're too mean / I don't like you / fuck you anyway / You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs / It hurts but I won't fight you / You suck anyway / You make me wanna die, right when I / When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place

HAPPY  SONG :  IV. SWEATPANTS – childish gambino ; I'm winnin', yeah, yeah, I'm winnin' (What?) / Rich kid, asshole, paint me as a villain / Don't be mad cause I'm doing me better than you doing you / Different color, my passport / Instagram my stack load / Hashtag my day wear, and your girl drank my day care / And I'm born rich, life ain't fair / Top of the holy totem / Ri-ri-ri-rich forever, a million was not the quota

BLAH  SONG : IDK LOVE – jeremy zucker ; And lately I don't feel the same / Though I've been trying to / I don't know love no more / I don't know love no more / It's easier when you know / You'll be fine on your own

CRANKY  SONG :  SEROTONIN – call me karizma ; Break the fuckin' mirror 'cause I hate the image / Every single tear I cry is wasted liquid / I fucked too many girls to count, I ain't committed / I guess bein' an asshole was a bad decision / Break up with my girl because she doesn't trust me / I don't fuckin' blame her 'cause I trust in nothin' / Mama held a bottle, daddy doesn't hug me / All I ever wanted was someone to love me

MISCHIEVOUS  SONG :  LURK – the neighbourhood ; I want to be honest / I want to be bad / I want to destroy you / I want to move fast / I want the attention / I want all the cash / I want all the ass / is it too much to ask? / I want to be faithful / I want to be raw / I want to be ignorant / I want to know it all / I want to die someday / I want to live long / I want what I ask for / I get what I want

DEVASTATED  SONG :  HUG ALL UR FRIENDS – cavetown ; What's it like to be alone on a Sunday / Remembering the time you saw them just yesterday? / Sing me a song, tell me your thoughts / I could listen to you all night long / And I don't care about my sleeping routine / I fucked it up as it is but we've got so much time to kill / As the night rocks me to sleep / Life's too short to worry about things that we got wrong / So hug all your friends and let them know / You're not letting go / No I won't let go, oh-oh

LONGING  SONG : I MISS THE OLD U – blackbear ; I miss the old you / I miss the old you / I used to hold you / I used to hold you / And that ain't cost nothing, baby / Real love don't cost a motherfuckin' penny / I miss the old me / I miss they way I used to be / I miss the old me

[zmediaoutlet]

fic: slow as you can go

This story was written as a commission for @armellin and @jesusonthetortillas, to illustrate this lovely J2 pic Armellin created.

Pairing: Jared/Jensen Rating: E Tags: Non-AU ‘Canon’ Divergence, Established Relationship, Married Sex Summary: After a convention, Jared and Jensen come home for a brief break. They've earned it.

(read on AO3)

Plane travel will never be Jared's favorite thing—it's probably never going to crest the top thousand of his favorite things—but flying first class definitely makes it better. Actual legroom, for one, and constant booze for another. He stretches out, trying to ignore the constant annoying hum from the engines and the wind against the fuselage, and sips at what may well be his third gin and tonic—but who's counting. Lime and bitter, and it's good, but not as good as what's waiting for them at home.

Thinking of home makes him tip his head to the side against the soft seatback. He smiles. The view in first isn't half-bad, either.

Jensen's sleeping, again. He hasn't shaved all weekend and the stubble's coming in that golden-red color that drives Jared crazy, a little. He doesn't think Jensen's noticed the way Jared likes to run his lips against it, but then again Jensen's pretty observant, about all things Jared, so maybe he has. Doesn't matter either way; it's not like Jared's gonna stop. It's a midmorning flight and most of their fellow passengers are absorbed in whatever high-level business crap they have going on with their laptops, and there's not a flight attendant hovering asking if they need anything. Safe to take a moment and run his knuckles against all that prickly stubble, feel the reverse-grain burn of it against his skin. He really cannot wait to get home.

Jensen makes a soft upset sound, deep in his throat. Whoops. When he stirs into blinking awake Jared makes an apologetic grimace—well-practiced from work, although Sam usually actually feels apologetic and Jared doesn't, right now, not really. Jensen squints at him, clearly still half-gone, and Jared whispers, "Sorry," but he strokes Jensen's jaw again, soft, so it probably doesn't come off as all that genuine.

A beat of Jensen only blinking at him, fuzzy. He presses into Jared's knuckles for the barest second, like a cat, before he scrunches further down in his chair, closes his eyes again. "Keep it in your pants for a few more hours, Jay," he says, scratchy-low. Jared scoffs, and Jensen's mouth turns up at the corners but he's really settled in, going back to sleep for whatever time he has left. Lazy.

Jared sighs, puts his earbuds in. According to the flight map on the seat they've got about eight hundred miles left to get back home. That'll get him through Vs. and most of Vitalogy before he's got to face the real world again, and they'll be a good distraction, will stop him from bothering Jensen before he's allowed. Sometimes he really hates Jensen's no PDA rule, but hell. Doesn't mean he can't make all kinds of plans, in the privacy of his own head.

*

Over the years of flying all over the country—all over the world, now, with the conventions overseas—they've pretty well perfected getting out of an airport in record time, and from wheels-down at Austin-Bergstrom it takes them less than an hour to pull into their driveway. Home's a gorgeous spread on the lake, a long private drive and mature trees all over the grounds. The house is a compromise: Jensen thought it was too much space, and Jared thought the layout was too weird, but the private dock won them both over. Jared's gladder every day that they pulled the trigger, though, and gladder still that they've been able to maintain some semblance of privacy. No Insta-pictures here, no interviewers allowed. Means that when Jensen pulls the Range Rover into the garage there's no one trying to peep in and see what they're doing, no weird fans or photographers to see Jared lean over as soon as Jensen puts it into park and palm his jaw and pull him in and kiss him. Startled at first, but then he smiles against Jared's mouth and kisses back, slow and shallow.

"You've been waiting to do that all day," Jensen murmurs, when Jared pulls back, and Jared shrugs, not denying it. He's been waiting to do a lot more. He drags his thumb over the beginnings of Jensen's beard again, looks at him. The garage's huge windows let in a wave of late-morning light, casts gold over Jensen's eyes, sparks his lashes and stubble golden-red. Shows off his freckles, and the shine on his lip that Jared left. He touches there, a swell of heat in his belly, and Jensen smiles again but catches his hand before he can do more. "C'mon. Let's get this done."

Jared sighs. "Do we have to?" Jensen only rolls his eyes, and kisses Jared's thumb. "Fine," Jared says, "but you owe me."

"Oh, I bet," Jensen says, but he swings out of the car then, too, and Jared's got no choice but to follow. There are things they should do, it's true. And hell, they have today off, and tomorrow too, before they have to fly back to Vancouver. They have time. They've made the time.

Jensen's in charge of sorting out the laundry, because he says that he can't trust Jared to empty the pockets right—total lies—and so Jared takes the time to go through the house, room by room. Saying hello, and checking up, too. They've got paid caretakers, gardeners and Maricela who comes by twice a week to dust up and clean, but it's still their house. Jared misses it, like a dope, when they're gone. Most of the curtains are drawn, by Maricela's habit, and he opens them up, lets all the light in. The living room, the den, the lounge where they regularly trounce Steve at pool, when they actually get to be home. The kitchen, and there the little neat list Maricela left of things she had to buy, things she threw out, and a note that she made salsa and left it in the fridge.

That's where Jensen finds Jared, when he comes back downstairs with a laundry basket. "I see you're hard at work," he says, dry, but he lets Jared put a salsa-laden chip in his mouth anyway, and hums. Damn right. Maricela's tomatillo salsa is worth taking a break for. "Mm, okay," Jensen says, through a full mouth. "Okay, fair. But, dude."

"I'm going, I'm going," Jared says, and caps the salsa back up, promising to get back to it later.

He goes and plugs in both of their phones, and sits in the office with the window open, jasmine-smell pouring in, while he emails their reps. A handful of pictures they each took, to be parted out on their SM for the fans to get excited about over the next few days, and a couple of quotes and stories to write up. Jared gave up control of his Twitter a year or two ago after the last time he had a bad day and was an idiot, and Jensen took his phone right out of his hand and grabbed him around the waist and said, Enough, Jay. Annoying at the time, but honestly, it's so much more relaxing to just be… cut off.

Still, sometimes he does like to see what people are posting. That photographer who's been following them around got some good shots, looks like. He scrolls through the feed. Nice pictures of the ladies—Brianna and Kim have really been glamming it up lately—and he laughs hard enough at a ridiculous cap of Misha that he has to text it over, with no comment, and a minute later gets a brief I hate you in response. He grins, tosses his phone back down to charge, and finally ventures into some of the fan shots in the hashtag. He's trained himself pretty well not to read the commentary—the options seem to be either fawning, which is uncomfortable, or vile, which is what it is—but from what he can't help but see people seem to have enjoyed it. Since they moved in together, some of the nuttier girls have gone off the deep end, but for the most part things quieted down. Now there's just a lot of happy encouragement sent their way. A lot of real, intense messages, too, and questions at conventions he wishes he had a better answer for. If only they'd managed to make it happen when those it gets better videos were going around. It got so much better, he wants to say. Not perfect, because nothing's perfect and never should be, but oh, man. It got a lot better.

"That's a good one," he hears, and blinks back to reality, after who knows how long. The picture on the screen's one of them—of course, one of them—taken by one of the girls in the audience. From the angle Jensen's face is the only one visible, and he looks… Well, really, Jared's the only one who should see him like that. The girls are always clever with their timing, though. Jensen comes up and leans over the back of his chair. "You know when that was?"

Jared shrugs. "Yesterday?" he says, and Jensen flicks the back of his shoulder. It's true, though—on stage everything turns into a blur. They were doing a bit, probably, because they usually are, but they're basically hugging. No PDA, that's always Jensen's rule, but there's no way Jared's not going to hug Jensen, given the opportunity. No matter how earsplitting the response.

"You don't remember?" Jensen says, and Jared looks up, over his shoulder. He's getting an amused look. "So you're just a little shit without even planning it?"

"I'm an enormous shit, thank you very much," Jared says, immediately, but then he remembers. "Oh, yeah."

"Oh, yeah, he says," Jensen says, rolling his eyes, and then shoves Jared's shoulder so the chair spins when Jared laughs. "Yeah, laugh it up. Like I wasn't trying to think about saggy ass and reshoots in the rain when you were just grinning up a storm, shithead."

Jared catches him around the waist, still chuckling. "I really didn't mean to," he says, and it's—mostly honest. Jensen folds his arms, playing irritated, but Jared's been watching him about to break for a gag reel for over a decade now and he can see the cracks. He stands up, still holding onto his waist, and gets right up in his space, looking down, grinning. "Not my fault you're all hot and bothered for my bod."

That gets him a snort, and he leans down and takes a kiss while Jensen's smiling. That was—yeah, he remembers now. Right there, in front of everyone, and he'd gotten to come in close and hold Jensen's body and he'd brushed his mouth against the top of Jensen's ear, and the little sound Jensen made wasn't one the mics would pick up. He pulls back, now, and watches Jensen licks his lips. Tasting them both. God, it's hot when he does that. Jared keeps hold of his waist and walks him backwards, pressing him up against the wall between the signed Pearl Jam poster and Jensen's framed Willie records, and Jensen's eyes are closed, his ears going red, and that's a perfect opportunity to lean in and down and breathe against his ear again, to brush his lips there, to feel Jensen give that full-body shiver that means—oh, yeah. They're on.

"Like that?" Jared says, and Jensen punches him soft in the gut. He says oof, obligingly, but he's smiling.

"Right in front of everybody," Jensen says, looking up. He licks his lips again, his eyes on Jared's mouth. "You know that drives me crazy, Jay."

"Yeah, I know," Jared says, shrugging, and Jensen rolls his eyes, but he squeezes Jared's bicep, too, curves in close, and Jared kisses him again and thinks, well, maybe he'll be in some trouble—later.

They've been together a long time, though. It's not a crazy, heady rush—not even close to their first time, all shock and teeth and shoving, good and painful and intense enough that Jared thought his heart would just beat right out of his chest. Jensen holds his arm, holds him close there against the wall, kisses him soft and lazy. He makes a little pleased noise when Jared scrapes teeth over his lip, tips his nose against Jared's. "Wanna shower," he mumbles, and Jared groans, stands up straight. With Jensen down to his socks, pressed back against the wall, Jared's got the advantage, and Jensen—yeah, that's working for him. Another thing about being together this long: Jared knows exactly how to push every button.

He lets Jensen lead the way down the hall to their bedroom, and then to the huge open bath. "Music?" Jared says, and Jensen shrugs, and so Jared flips through his phone and finds the playlist with the name Jensen hates: funky grooves to fuck to—but the name's accurate. Slow grinds, heavy bass, and when it comes on to the surround speakers Jensen pauses in the middle of unbuttoning his shirt to give Jared a look over his shoulder. Jared only grins and shrugs at him, perching his ass on the bathroom counter, and Jensen gives a sigh but he keeps stripping, so it's all good in Jared's book.

Big window across the back wall of the bathroom, letting in more of that syrupy daylight. They haven't been able to get out much lately and Jensen's skin has gone all creamy again, freckles fainter, except on his cheekbones and hands where they never really fade. He flips on the shower, strips off his jeans, and he doesn't look at Jared when he steps under the water, which is just as well because Jared's pretty sure he's got a dorky goddamn look on his face. Years and years of this and he's used to most of it, even sometimes takes some of what they have for granted. Jensen naked and shining in the sunlight, though, that's—a lot, no matter what. Jensen letting him see, when he used to be almost shy—that's more, sometimes, than Jared knows how to take.

That first time isn't the one Jared thinks about, much. Too much booze in both of them, and too much of a chance for regret. The second time, that's the one he thinks of as their real anniversary. That night, at Jensen's apartment in Vancouver, and the doorman had let Jared up because he saw Jared about as much as he saw Jensen, and that meant that Jared got all the way up there fueled on adrenaline and hope and knocked on the door before he thought that maybe, maybe Jensen wouldn't—that maybe they'd broken something, between them, and putting it back together wasn't in the cards. When Jensen opened the door he was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt Jared had given him, and he was wearing his glasses, and the look on his face was—Jared's never forgotten that. That exact moment, right then. What came after was almost immaterial, compared to that single second.

What came after wasn't exactly a hardship, though, and between them they've always been good at this. When Jared steps under the spray and touches all that wet soft skin Jensen doesn't flinch, but only tips backward, knowing Jared will balance him. "What if I just dropped you?" Jared says, and Jensen huffs, turning so the shower scatters over his shoulders.

"You think that'll increase your chances of getting any," Jensen says, sliding his hands up Jared's chest, "go ahead and try it."

It's a great shower, multiple showerheads and plenty of room for two. They pass soap back and forth between them, getting clean-ish, and Jensen spends some time mapping the muscle in Jared's back, his ass, his thighs. In return Jared washes Jensen's hair, just to massage his scalp and neck and feel the way he almost purrs in response, and presses kisses all over his shoulders when he's done. He's always loved this part—broad, undeniably masculine, perfect. "What do you want?" he says, leaning in, and he's really asking. They have all day, they can do anything.

Jensen's hand finds his hip, squeezes. His head tips, and Jared finds the curve of his ear again, kisses at the back of it. Gets another shiver, Jensen's shoulders pressing wet and warm against his chest. "I want it…" Jensen trails off, and shakes his head. He detaches Jared's hand from his waist, lifts it, presses his mouth against Jared's knuckles soft and wet and shocking-hot, and his eyes when they meet Jared's are heavy, dark, steady.

Dried off, laid out on their bed with the music still playing, Jensen leans over Jared's chest and kisses him, open-mouthed and taking his time about it. He's always loved kissing and Jared's come to love it too, even if he always used to think of it as just a preamble when he was younger. Jensen's taught him a lot, over the years. How good it is just to lay together, and how good a silk-blend coverlet feels against his skin, and how the point of his jaw can get almost painfully sensitive when Jensen's hands are buried in his hair, and Jensen's mouth moves there, and his teeth scrape against that open curve of bone. "Jesus," Jared says, squirming like he always does, and Jensen laughs, ducks down and bites at his collarbone instead, and oh, yeah. Things Jared never knew he liked, never knew were even a thing. Jensen squeezes at his dick, heavy already with blood and wanting, but it's not a yanking goad into getting along with things—it's just familiar, almost kind. Hello.

More things Jared didn't know: how much Jensen likes it, that Jared's bigger than him. He pushes Jensen onto his back, after a while of Jensen playing, and rolls in so he's hovering, blocking Jensen from the sunlight, and they're pressed against each other hip to hip but Jared's still got five inches on him—four, if Jensen's lying to the press—and Jensen's already flushed, already hard, all open and ready for it, but his lips part in that fantastic turned-on way, getting Jared above him, and Jared smiles, slides his hand down Jensen's side. Other things Jared didn't know: how much he'd like that Jensen wanted him bigger. "Want to suck my dick?" Jared says, soft, and Jensen's eyes screw closed, his hips flinch up into Jared's, but he breathes out a moan, and Jared lifts up, shuffles up the bed on his knees, and Jensen wraps an arm around his hips and a hand around his dick and sucks it in, practiced, easy. So slick, soft, and Jared sighs and cups a hand around the back of his head to support him and fucks in, shallow but good. Middle-of-the-night whispering, years ago, and Jensen had admitted he liked the way his jaw felt sore, after, and Jared had almost busted a nut just thinking about it—easy enough to indulge Jensen, especially when it feels this goddamn good.

"You look incredible," he says, being nothing but honest. Pink flush over his cheekbones to his ears, streaking down his throat—his perfect mouth broken open over the thickness of Jared's dick—and he opens his eyes, looks up as he slides down as far as he can go, the head threatening his throat, and the slight sheen of tears is just—god, god, how did Jared ever get this lucky? He pulls back, all the way out with his prick gleaming all over with Jensen's wet, the vein gleaming, and Jensen sucks in a deep breath, licks his lips, and groans when Jared slides all the way deep again, and digs his nails into Jared's ass to keep him going.

They've got enough practice that Jared won't come from this, but god is it tempting. A long, slow rut in, and he knows Jensen could take it faster, but that's not how he wants to play it. He pulls out when his nuts start to clutch up for real, and Jensen gasps and holds his hips and says, rasping, "Fuck," and Jared can't do anything but agree. He leans down, dick dragging wet over Jensen's stomach while he finds his lips to kiss them, tasting himself, massaging the sore worked muscle in Jensen's cheeks. "Good?" he says, and Jensen moans, holds him, thighs clutching around Jared's hips when they settle together. He's still hard, harder, pressing thick against Jared's abs, and Jared tries to keep his head clear but it's tough, honestly, when he has Jensen like this.

"Tell me what you want?" he says, lips on Jensen's cheek, at the corner of his eye where tears leaked, when Jared pushed too deep. "C'mon, talk to me, tell me."

"Fucker," Jensen breathes, pressing up into him. "You know."

"Yeah," Jared says, against his temple, "but I want you to tell me anyway."

A game, sometimes. How raw he can get Jensen to be. "Fuck me," Jensen says, voice sore, and Jared laughs, breathless and delighted, his gut clutching up crazily at how good that sounds out of Jensen's mouth.

"How?" he says, pushing his luck, and Jensen pushes at his chest, forces him up so they can look at each other, and Jensen's eyes are nearly black and his lips are battered-red, and he says, "Like this," unexpected and low and soft, his fingers touching Jared's throat, and he says, "I want to see you," and Jared swallows, nods, doesn't have to say anything else.

Jensen doesn't need much prep anymore, and Jared doesn't want to make him wait. Slicked up, he dips his thumb in and watches Jensen's mouth part, and then he gathers Jensen's thigh up against his side and leans in close and pushes his dick inside, blooming past the resistance, going slow, and watches all of Jensen's attention turn inward. They've traded back and forth on this and Jared knows the feeling, that crazy stretch—but oh, from this side, that clutching tightness, squeeze of Jensen's body, feeling him all the way, it's like—nothing else. No one else. "Yeah?" he says, pointless, like he doesn't know, and Jensen blinks, refocuses, sinks his hand into Jared's hair and turns his face away from the sunlight and presses his lips against Jared's bicep, and he mumbles, slow, and Jared takes it like the command it is, and stays buried up close with his heart throbbing in his gut for a full minute before he twists his hips back and presses in again, following the beat of the slow bass playing, a steady pulsing rock. Jensen groans, his back arching, and Jared buries his face in Jensen's throat and does his duty, fucking good and deep and slow, giving everything he can, as long as he can.

The sounds Jensen makes—the smell of him, the sweat between them. Jared keeps his eyes closed, feels his skin, his pulse throbbing under Jared's lips. His balls ache but it's that sweet ache of a good fuck, his muscles humming like he's midway through a marathon. Jensen's got an arm wrapped around his neck, a hand on his chest, his legs clutched up high around Jared's waist, and inside he's melting-soft, broken-open-wet, his dick leaking slick all over Jared's stomach. Slow like this, Jared's not chasing anything and he gets to feel every inch, his skin an oversensitive tingle, hot from his lips to his nipples to his fingertips, overaware of every place they're touching.

Too hot, finally—the sun's sunk down, slicing through the bedroom windows, making the bed a pool of light. "Oh, god," Jared says, sliding a hand to Jensen's hip, squeezing. He rolls his forehead against Jensen's collarbone, humps in and stays there, pressed deep, grinding, so Jensen makes a hiccupy noise keep in his chest. "Yeah, that's it. Come on."

"Fuck," Jensen says, squirming against him, and his legs fall open, his thighs shaking. "Oh, I—Jay—yeah, come on, do it."

Jared drags in a breath, pushes up, finds Jensen red-faced and sweaty, his shoulders and chest shining. "Yeah?" he says, but there's no answer—he shoves in, harder, and Jensen lifts into it and groans, gripping at Jared's ass to pull him in deeper, and then that's—that's it. All the permission Jared needed, and he fucks like he means it, then, long deep in-and-out that's dragging at the absolute limits of his control, but he wants to get Jensen there first—and he's getting there, Jared knows he is, by how his hands clutch and his chest is heaving and how his dick's a dark urgent swell against his belly, dragging between them, a trail of wet spilling down Jensen's side. He balances on one arm and slides careful fingers around Jensen's balls, rubs them warm and tucks them up close against Jensen's body, and Jensen opens his eyes and stares at him, looking surprised somehow in the middle of all this. "Come on, baby," Jared whispers, slipping his thumb over the strained wet root of Jensen's pretty dick, and Jensen grabs at his arm and arches up and comes, finally, spurting all over his soft belly, his body straining and clutching at Jared's and ah, ah fuck, Jared did that for him, Jared made that happen—and Jared fucks him through it, keeps up that same steady pace and nails him right there where he needed it, where he wanted it as long as he could get it, until Jensen's thighs cringe and he presses his fingers against Jared's belly and he makes a low pained ah—and Jared pulls back, out, into cruel cold air for a half-second before he strips his dick as fast as he can go, the visual in front of him more than enough—Jensen sprawled and sweat-soaked and well-fucked, shuddering and sensitive, and his eyes open and his fingers curl against Jared's sides and he says, yeah, give it to me, show me, and Jared shoots over his knuckles, spatters Jensen's hip and the still-thick curve of his dick and his thigh, and Jensen sighs, as satisfied as though it were him who got to come a second time. He reaches for Jared, easy demand, and Jared goes, collapsing down onto the welcome stretch of his body, smearing everything between them, and it's worth it to find Jensen's mouth, soft, starting once again to smile.

[niafrazier]

I don’t want Bernie Sanders to run in 2020.

Let me explain why.

First, let me start off by saying, I was a Bernie backer in the 2016 primaries (although I was not quite old enough to vote at the time... I turned 18 later that year and was able to vote Clinton in the general though). I have great respect for his efforts to fight for the needs of the working class, and I am glad that his policies, once seen as obscure, are becoming more mainstream in the democratic party.

However,

It is clear to me that there are still many unhealed wounds from 2016  that are already bleeding over to the 2020 primaries/ election season. No prominent potential candidate has announced (edit: before Dec 30, 2018, when I wrote this post), yet I am seeing tons of infighting amongst Clinton and Bernie Dems. The extreme left of the party has been adamant on smearing literally every candidate that’s not Bernie. Most recently, many die-hard Bernie supporters have been targeting Beto O’Rourke who recently catapulted into the democratic spotlight after running an inspiring senate race in Texas against Ted Cruz. Now, don’t get me wrong, every candidate should be vetted (because that’s what primaries are for), but what I’ve been seeing is a shit ton of things being taken out of context to the point where it’s just become outright bullshit propaganda. For example, they label Beto as a “corporate Big Oil shill” for taking in donations from fossil fuel companies while also failing to point out that he did not take a cent of PAC money and that the money came from individuals who either are directly employed or have relatives under that sector, not the actual corporations.... He’s a Rep in Texas.... a state that has an enormous economy in that field, so it makes sense. (I could give more, but this text post is already getting as long as it is.). I know I’m probably talking about a small percentage of Bernie supporters, and a lot are merely just examining/ critiquing voting records, but it isn’t helping that now pundits, news outlets, and channels are perpetuating this nonsense, blowing social media beef out of proportion, which only incites more rage amongst his base. 

And this is just the beginning. Mind you, 2019 has barely started.

I hate to admit it... as much as I admire Bernie, although he has relatively high favorability ratings amongst Democrats, I fear that he is becoming a divisive figure for the party. This will only intensify once primary season truly kicks into full gear.  People still reeling over the results of Hillary’s defeat don’t want anything to do with Bernie (even proclaiming a #NeverBernie hashtag... hypocritical I might add b/c it’s basically the equivalent to #Bernie-or-Bust if he were to become the nominee but whatever). Then, extreme Bernie supporters are alienating those who may be in support of potential candidates like Beto, Kamala, Cory, Biden, etc. with ridiculous purity tests, and they immediately become excessively dismissive of those not 100% on board with Bernie’s bold ideas (or those who may favor a more pragmatic approach to these ideas).

We need to cut the bullshit now. 

The number one goal for Democrats should be ousting Trump. A fractured party is only going to give ammunition to the GOP, and we really don’t have time for that. Things are only going to get worse between the two factions of the party if we are constantly replaying 2016. I wouldn’t want Hillary running either for that very reason, but she has shown no indication or interest in pursuing a campaign. IMO, the best thing for Bernie (and for the Dems) would be for him to lay low, endorse whichever candidate best aligns with his visions, and just let the primaries play out.  

But hey, I’m just hoping social media isn’t representative of the true reality of the democratic party... Because for all I know, the average American probably isn’t paying any mind to the nonsensical bickering taking place online. But I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit my concerns about what impact a Bernie run could have on the state of the 2020 race. There were several factors that contributed to Trump’s victory in 2016, but this time, there need not be any room for error.

For my own sanity, I’d just rather have Bernie sit this one out.

[filmfreak1994]

Change the Channel

A lot of people have been talking about their experiences with Channel Awesome in the wake of the 60+ page document released by Allison Pregler and several other former content creators for Channel Awesome. I figured I might throw my own experience with the site and its people (mostly Doug) too while the topic is relevant, even considered dusting off the old camera I got for Christmas to film a video but allergy season is upon us and I’m coughing up my lungs so the written word it is.

I was a frequent user of YouTube in the early days of its inception, mostly to look up viral videos and just go on a stream of pointlessness for hours on end with each recommended vid in the sidebar (mostly consisting of parodies to Star Wars, LotR, and entire Simpsons episodes uploaded before the great purge of early 2008). In all that time between 2006 and 2007, reviewers like the Angry Video Game Nerd and The Nostalgia Critic eluded me. I saw plenty of the 5 Second Movie clips and thought they were hysterical but didn’t even make the connection that they were made by a “Nostalgia Critic” until around the end of 2009, when a friend of mine at school told me to look up NC’s review of Sonic the Hedgehog (the weird TV show and the futuristic evil Jim Cummings one). I finally gave in which led me to watching some of his other, recent reviews like the “Star Wars Holiday Special” which was freaking hysterical (and still brings a warm smile to my face just thinking about it). By the time the new year rolled around and I had discovered That Guy With The Glasses I was hooked.

For a while I stuck to watching reviews on YouTube when fans would rip them from the main site, but decided to eventually support the site itself where I mostly stuck to NC videos but also watched content from the other producers when it interested me; Spoony and his Final Fantasy reviews, Linkara and any comic with a subject material I was familiar with, Marzgurl and her Don Bluth retrospective, so on and so forth. Like many other people, I wasn’t keeping up with every producer’s videos weekly like I was with NC, but when I decided to watch something else their content was worth it, being funny and informative all at once, even creating new branches of my interest and giving me new perspectives on media criticism.

I watched Nostalgia Critic religiously every week and, sorry to say, started to take his opinion as gospel, and the opinions of other reviewers as well, treating certain movies and shows as bad just because they said so and didn’t have an opinion for myself for the longest time. It was when I started to pay attention to Doug Walker himself and his philosophy that you should like what you like and every movie is a miracle that I started to chill out and even disagree with his opinions at times (I remember his “Little Nemo” review made me seek out that movie and I actually quite enjoyed it).

TGWTG was a formative site for me in my high school years, developing much of my sense of humor and how I look at movies. I watched all the anniversary specials, started to watch a greater portion of producers that included Lindsay and Kyle’s more analytical reviews and Brad Jones’s and Matthew Buck’s mix of cynicism and snark with genuine analytical praise and criticism. I even started to look at music critics like Paw or Todd even though I can’t judge music for shit (if it has a catchy beat I’ll more or less dig it, I’m not picky). I always imagined when I moved out for college (yeah, how’d that work out for ya, younger me) that I would start my own review series in the vein of these online personalities and even be picked up for the site where I too could join in on the anniversary movies and have a swell time and make friends with the people I looked up to and have a good time filming huge crossover events with them (in hindsight I can only imagine what role Doug would have me play in them, if I was even deemed important to be in them at all). Whenever people criticized the anniversary movies I just shrugged it off and said, “Yeah, they’re dumb, but I like em anyway,” and when rumors starting going around about some upside down crucifixion going on I shrugged them off as just rumors (and to be fair it wasn’t upside down but the real thing isn’t much better).

Anyway, around the time when To Boldly Flee came I enjoyed the movie a lot (I only saw it the once and I was eighteen, eighteen-year-old me and present me don’t get on anymore) and thought it was a bittersweet conclusion to The Nostalgia Critic but was excited to see what new projects Doug and the company would do after its conclusion. Plus the other contributors still had their content to keep TGWTG going strong into the foreseeable future. At least I thought.

I didn’t hate Demo Reel, but I didn’t like it all that much either. I only caught around a few episodes before losing interest, saying I’d get back into it eventually but never going out of my way to see them. By accounts they got better as they went along and I was interested in the episode that paid tribute to Elizabeth Hartman (which I think is the same episode that had Mara Wilson and Arin Hanson? I might be wrong (I didn’t even know who Arin was at the time but hindsight is 20/20)), but I just put off watching them until, oh look, NC’s back. At the time I thought this was interesting, there was plenty he could still do with the character given his new ground rules and the emphasis on skits gave the show a different tune that I felt, at the time, kept it fresh from what it was before. I missed the simplicity of the earlier reviews but I happily stuck with the NC again, as well as the same creators I’d happily watched before and plenty more I started to watch like Phelous (around the time he did that weird Aladdin meets Pagemaster movie, I used to rent that from Hollywood Video all the freaking time).

It was around this tumultuous time that Doug actually kinda started to annoy me. Never to the point where I stopped watching NC, but he sort of seemed to forget his whole “Like what you like,” message and outright attacked fans who disagreed with him. Certain jokes in his reviews rubbed me the wrong way (if Irate Gamer can’t get away with blowing up Ubisoft cuz they wouldn’t let him into a conference, you can’t get away with pretending to blow up Happy Madison just because they make shit movies) and he had a general vindictiveness to those who liked movies like “Man of Steel” or “The Lorax” that just seemed mean spirited and not a funny little video meant to entertain (though I guess the signs were always there like when he added in a dig at “Avatar” in his “Conan” review for no reason). But by and by he seemed to mellow out (no doubt dealing with problems letting go of Demo Reel and how big a success he thought it would be) and I still watched his stuff, including the vlogs he did with Rob regarding “Avatar” (the good one, hey I did it too!), “Korra,” “Adventure Time,” and any recent movie that came out. I started to agree with them less and less but they were still entertaining guys and I liked what they were doing.

Some of the shadier stuff going on at the site more or less flew over my head. The game show they did was pretty much “Demo Reel” part two for me in how much interest I had in it and that faded from public consciousness pretty quickly, and it was around the time the site switched from TGWTG to just Channel Awesome that a real shift began to become more noticeable. People were leaving. People I may not have watched all the time, but they were leaving, often times unannounced and seemingly unprovoked (because quite a few of them were). I read about what happened to Allison, aka Obscurus Lupa, who I had watched on and off again and thought that was pretty shitty, and got a general grasp that the management of CA itself wasn’t very good from what she and Lindsay alluded to (or just straight up said, they really should’ve had some NDAs if they cared so much about how they look) in some posts on Tumblr or Twitter but I still carried on watching NC and the other creators on the site mostly because I just figured what every fan figured at the time, Doug was mostly innocent and it was Michaud and Rob who were the real strings behind big decisions like who stays and goes (I liked Rob fine, but even back then I knew he could be kind of an ass).

More and more people from the classic era of TGWTG were leaving or not producing as much for the site as they did and that was a shame. CA was never what TGWTG felt like to me, even if the purpose was to put more focus on the other producers (supposedly (hell, TGWTG did a way better job of featuring producers in my opinion even if it wasn’t perfect)). But whatever, I carried on every Tuesday watching NC, watching other creators when their stuff interested me, but it still wasn’t quite the same as before, and I had become more aware of the general bad experience most people had filming the anniversary movies even if the full extent of that didn’t come until a few days ago.

It was really when Lewis announced that he had left and I found the Change the Channel hashtag that I started to take notice of these stories, finding plenty of them on my own from the links to Twitter conversations many of the former contributors were having before reading them on the Google doc. I was torn, wondering if I should boycott NC with all that I had read and decided to make it a temporary one until the doc came out and to see if he or CA would provide a statement. Well, the doc came out and the apology not long after. And yeah, I moved it to a permanent ban after that bullshit.

I’ve given up watching people I loved before, JonTron and his racist bullshit was the last straw in supporting anything he did, and even with the Me Too movement I’ve given up any kind of support for people like Kevin Spacey who I used to love as an actor (now it’s pretty easy to see how he was able to play such scumbag villains over and over again). I know Doug isn’t a Nazi or Nazi sympathizer, and to my knowledge he hasn’t used his position to sexually take advantage of anyone (though he has turned a blind eye to others doing the same and the same can’t be said for taking advantage of people in other ways), but I just couldn’t watch stuff directly made by him and for Channel Awesome with all this information. It wouldn’t be right, even with an adblocker. 

I don’t mean to threaten the livelihood of people on his team like Malcolm or Tamara, I like them a great deal and they’re very talented, heck I even enjoyed the skits on NC a lot more than most because of them (and Rachel, she was great too). But I said to myself until an actual apology is listed and some form of action is taken to truly better the site, I wouldn’t watch them. Others have suggested and I have thought the same, that the best thing to do would be to fire Michaud, though I realize this would create a slew of problems given that he owns the IP for NC and is the founder of CA. Still, some form of acknowledgement from the Walkers would go a long way to bettering the public response to all this. More and more contributors have left in the wake of this document, either out of fear for their own image or to show solidarity with the many complaints levied toward the site (and their reasons are completely valid no matter what, they’re trying to make a living), looking at the site today it’s practically a ghost town. I don’t blame those that have stayed for anything, but the reputation of CA is tarnished and at this point, especially with that piss-poor “apology,” it’s going to take several huge leaps to get it back.

I realize the purpose of Change the Channel was never to create a boycott of NC or any of the Walker’s content, at least by the majority of those who contributed to the docs, and those who choose to boycott do so of their own volition. Well, that’s my volition. No matter how much NC shaped my sense of humor in my younger years and inspired me to look at movies critically myself, I can’t deny the damage that Doug and Rob have been complicit in nor turn a blind eye to the shady practices they, Michaud, and past executives on the site have done. 

I really do wish that what was seemingly apparent in front of the camera, that this was a site filled of talented people who were also good friends having a good time, was true behind the scenes as well. People have been hurt, assaulted, taken advantage of, and tossed aside when they were no longer useful to the site. It’s not right, and I’m literally changing the channel until actual change is made.

[blackgirltalksback]

Loud Mouth: Deria Matthews

Photos by Alex Revina

"Black women will always be too loud for a world that never intended on listening to us."  

Growing up I quickly learned that it was dangerous for a Black girl to speak up for herself. My voice was policed from the jump and if I had a response I was seen as talking back or acting grown or ghetto. These labels made me fearful of using my voice to provoke change and making noise about things I felt were unjust. However, as I've grown older I've recognized the ways that asserting your ideas as a Black woman is imperative in dismantling and transforming an oppressive society that has always expected silence from us. Thus, the Loud Mouth hashtag is for me is a reclaiming of a label that is often given to Black women who are too loud, too angry, and too ready. Black women who speak up and out against oppressive systems are my biggest inspiration and I coined the term in celebration of their writing and of the mounds of brilliant knowledge they have shared with us. For this series, I will be profiling one of those #LoudMouth writers of nonfiction once a month. I often feel that there is not a space for solely Black nonfiction writers of women/femme/gnc identity, and I wanted to create that hub for myself and other upcoming writers. 

The first person is me :) I thought this would be a great way for you all to get to know me and learn more about my journey to writing nonfiction. Get into it!

Did you ever get in trouble for talking back?

“Who do you think you’re talking to?!” That was my mother’s favorite line when I said something “smart” to her or responded (often with wit) when silence was expected of me. Growing up, I knew good and well that I wasn’t supposed to talk back to adults but in the heat of things that didn’t stop me. If I felt that I needed to explain myself or if something didn’t make sense to me, then I expressed that. It got me in trouble often, with that death stare Black mamas have perfected, with a verbal whipping, or with a simple pop in the mouth. The pop was always the worst and I got it a couple of times, and I remember the red of embarrassment and shame that came over me. I also remember later in life just not speaking or trying to fight back to get what I want. It felt futile to me so I would start to just do as I please without conversation, that got me in more trouble but at that point, I stopped caring.

When did you first learn that your voice held power?

I think I was in 10th or 11th grade and it was a day or two after Kanye had hopped onstage to defend Beyonce when she lost Video of the Year Award to Taylor Swift. I was in Sociology and our teacher asked what we thought. There was a lot of conversation but most of my classmates were saying “Yes, Beyonce should have won, but the way that Kanye went about it was wrong. I was kind of annoyed so I started to speak up about it and referenced Kanye doing a similar thing for New Orleans and people being fine with his speaking out then. I think what really annoyed me was that in my household Kanye was praised, he did what was right because he said what we all knew to be true. How he did it was not really a concern, but that he did it, that he stood up for the work and art of a Black woman was enough to defend him. But I remember after I spoke up, the conversation shifted and my teacher making note of that. He was a Black man and he was really respected in my school so for him to acknowledge how I articulated my thinking provoked a shifted the thinking of others really stuck with me. I later went on to argue for the legalizing Marijuana in a debate and he said I should consider being a lawyer. For a long time I wanted to be a lawyer because of that class, but I’m a long way from that now.

Have you ever been told your voice was not welcomed or there wasn’t a space for your voice? How did you deal with that?  

My first year at NYU I was so insecure about my voice. I was often the only Black girl in the room and I was experiencing all of these microaggressions, that I was really questioning myself and what I cared about. At one point I was considering transferring and going to an HBCU. I felt that no one understood my point of view, and honestly, that’s how I was going to deal with it. I was going to leave. But I had to take these creative writing classes my first year and those courses really saved me. I was putting my thinking on the page and on the page I had the room to pull from my own experiences and histories that I didn’t feel were taken seriously elsewhere. And my professor really saw me and saw what I was trying to do. She was one of the first people who encouraged me to pursue writing as a career. I remember calling my mother up and being really excited about this new direction.

What are some of your earliest encounters with another #LoudMouth?

My earliest memory of #LoudMouth women were of the women in my family. My mother was always about pushing back against systems especially for the wellness of her daughters. Although she often punished me for talking back to her, she is the one who taught me to talk back. I grew up listening to her “cuss someone out” get what she knew she deserved.

Also, my late grandmother is the biggest shit talker I know. I still think about her cracking on my dad when he tried to shut her down about something. They would always be carrying on about this and that, but I remember my grandmother really standing her ground about the labor women take on to care for children and not letting up on men holding their weight either financially or by doing more.

And lastly, bell hooks. The same professor who encouraged me to write was the first person to introduce me to hooks. We read an essay from Real to Reel and I just remember being blown away at how direct she was, but also how she was pulling from her own personal experiences. bell really taught me that our personal lives are a source of information that can support theory, and by our, I mean Black folks’.

Why do you write, and why nonfiction?

I write because I think. I write because I feel. Writing for me is an extension of my thinking and feelings. It is a way for me to move through and process both of those things. I write nonfiction because it is for me the most direct way to engage in the public sphere, in a public conversation that I find deeply personal. Public conversations about Beyoncé or Nola Darling or Cardi B are important to me because I share an identity with these women and how people think about them not only impacts how they perceive me and other Black women but also how they make political decisions about our bodies. If you don’t believe that Black women have the fundamental right to their bodies and that comes up in how we talk about Beyoncé’s body suit or Nola’s sexual partners or Cardi’s decision to have a baby then how you feel about laws and policies around street harassment, access to family planning, sexual assault prevention, etc. That’s why it’s really important for me to write on pop culture because I think it is a way to get at the fundamental beliefs we have about society in a way that is interesting and not so philosophical and distant. It gives some grounding, a shared language if you will.   

 Who is one of your favorite contemporary #LoudMouths right now?  

This is such a hard question, there are so many, and that’s why I create a weekly list of them! But someone I always enjoy reading and being challenged by is Doreen St. Felix. I would love to see some long-form stuff from her but I’m also just super impressed with how quickly she gets a take on paper. It takes me weeks to put my thoughts together on something. (That’s most likely my Taurus Sun and Sagittarius Rising working against each other.)

But yeah, I also really love Kimberly Drew as a writer and thinker. Whenever I see her speak or when I read her work I’m always just like YES!! and not in an agreement kind of yes, but like yes this bitch is shaking the table yes!! I love when people push the conversation and or just my own thinking deeper (that’s my Scorpio moon speaking). I think that’s the mark of a really great writer and what I aspire to do in my own work.

Oh and my absolute favorite is Rachel Kaadzi Ghansah, she makes me want to write and just be a better nonfiction writer in general. She has been quiet recently, I think maybe because she’s working on her book, but if you have a chance read her profile of THE GOAT, Toni Morrison. Its a gem.

[paulsolorzano]

11.15.18

I’ve been sticking to the ketogenic diet nicely. I believe I’m down 19 lbs today after a month or so if doing it.

I’ll have to start integrating in some exercise.

I’ve even been able to combat the munchies by making adjustments to what I eat. Mostly pistachios. But I gotta cool it on them too because I think they’re screwing with my bowels when I eat too many and get up in the morning.

—-

I stare at the Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. I get this shit every day currently. No sugar, cream only. I swirl it like wine; watch the white cream mix itself with the brown. Ice cubes clanking against each other and the plastic cup.

I consider reducing my carbon footprint. How though? I imagine getting containers with the same dimensions as my favorite foods/drinks: the coffee stuff, chipotle bowls, metal straws.

I’ll add it to the list.  

—-

Drank an assload of wine with my boy Mac from work. We are going for our level one sommelier in December. Long story short we were supposed to work a party,  but we ended up getting cut and hanging at work and drinking wine instead.

Listening to:

Bomb the music industry! - Adults!!!

Bomb the music industry! - goodbye cool world

Jeff Rosenstock - worry.

Tofubeats - first album

Flamingosis - pleasure palette

Lifted bells - minor tantrums

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot

Wheat grass juice powder

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink

Dunkin’ Donuts coffee

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“I don’t wanna go outside because I might have a terrible day and get sent home” - Bomb the music industry!

“If I do nothing, will anything happen?” - lifted bells

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.14.18

I smoked so much out of the oil pen last night after getting out of work. From the parking garage all the way to the house. Tina was already smoking and drinking shit red wine from Walgreens. Yellowtail merlot. Tina is the lady I live with for the moment since getting back to Orlando.

—

I met with Frank yesterday. It was good. We hung at the house for a while; I spoke to his wife Jess for a while also. They have a dog named Microchip. Hes like 15 years old. Little scraggly looking thing. Hes on his way out: can’t see, can’t hear, shits himself, back legs barely work. Frank and his wife were debating on weather to put him down. He’s ok with it, Jess doesn’t want to. Time is probably going to take care of the decision for them.

So Frank and I left and went to our old Starbucks haunt up the road from him. The Starbucks right there boy the chipotle on Colonial. We chatted about music and listened to some old shit of mine: Brightline Spectrum (I was in this band with my boys Earl Hoback and Adam Heidrick. We ran through a string of bass players until we got Frank on board); also, a band called Gift to the Greedy, which we can appreciate now as older adults.

Frank and I don’t meet too often, but that is going to change. We are what I would call musical soulmates, in the sense of we probably are the most adaptable and accepting of new and different genres of any music. We’ve always been fans of the cream of the crop across all the genres.

The short stories here are:

I want to become Frank’s protege: I want to get caught up on his production techniques, and start making my own music again.

Frank wants me to become his manager of sorts. Just to facilitate shows etc; his sticking point is the marketing side of things so Im gonna come in and start attempting to handle some of that.

—

I still need to write about:

•           Time in Bradenton with Danielito and the rest of my family

•           Mother had a heart attack

•           Rachel getting a divorce

•           Back to Orlando

•           Back to STK

•           Living with Tina Watkins

•           Becoming awesome

•           Getting healthy after the summer of slop

•           Three weeks of weed and YouTube poops

Listening to:

Neon Indian - psychic chasms

Crystal Castles - III

Sir mix a lot - Swass

Sir mix a lot - Seminar

Serengeti - Kaleidoscope

Serengeti - Kenny Dennis ep

Tomggg - Art Nature

in the blue shirt - Sensation of Blueness

Lazycain - July to October

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink

Wheat grass juice powder

Dunkin’ Donuts coffee

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“You once had a dream but your grandma stole it” Sir Mixalot

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.13.18

(I meant to write all this last night but smoked too much so here it is)

So we all aired our grievances ( mostly Tttt and Aaaaaaaaa) and had a drink. I had some johnnie walker black label, as I’ve been on a whiskey kick lately, mostly due to the keto diet.

So then we all leave the bar around 1:30 and head to the parking garage. Tttt has her husband on the phone who has been waiting for her, so she’s occupied, and goes her separate way as we walk to the Orange garage (Disney Springs has lots named after fruit haha orange, lime , strawberry)

Aaaaaaa and I go to her car on level one; she drives me over to where my car is on the other side of level one. We get to chatting in her car.

Mostly about her likely soon to be ex xcvbnm. I’m not saying I’m waiting to swoop in but I’m kind of waiting to swoop in.

For some reason about a week ago, I just felt compelled to walk up to her and start talking. It felt pretty natural. So I went with it and suggested we should do something in the future. And we got on the topic of her doing art etc. So she’s crafty like that also, which is a bonus because I had no idea.

Anyway, we chatted in her car for probably over an hour. Mostly her getting the bf troubles off her chest. I feel like she has no one to talk to on these matters so I just let her go off.

I know I’m treading the line of being the ‘gay friend’ shoulder to cry on. But I continue to make it know that my involvement is romantic in intention. And she’s down from what I can tell.

Her sticking point is that she has been drawn in to this narcissists web of gaslighting and the like. He breaks her down and then continually reels her back in. They’ve already broken up once and had mini break ups also.

—-

Met with Frank today.

Listening to:

Tokyo Elvis

Lifted bells

There / They’re / There

Owen

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Went a little nuts o there polyvinyl site with some sale shit

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.12.18

Continuing wine studies for the level one class / exam coming up December 7-8. I gotta lock in my spot and pay the $600. Semi pricey but def worth the investment. It’ll look good at STK and also on the resume if and when the time comes.

—-

1:30 or so am. Aaaaaaaaa, the girl from work I’ve been chatting with, we finally made it out after work for a drink. We went to raglan road, which is right next to STK. Another girl Ttttttttttt (who I also work with and, is a rat in Chinese zodiac, same as my brother)  came along as well, as she had a bad night at work behind the bar.

—-

Listening to:

Foo Fighters - there is nothing left to lose

Bit Brigade - Castlebandia

Bit Brigade - Contra

Misfits - collection

Piebald - nobody’s robot

Van Cliburn - Beethoven pathetique  

Noname- telefone

Galant - ology

Watching:

Reading:

CMS introductory wine course book pdf. This is for the sommelier level one exam

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot

Wheat grass juice powder

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink

DD coffee cream only

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“Can’t you hear my motored heart? You’re the one who started it” - Foo Fighters

“What good is a sword, next to a shotgun?” - Galant

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.11.18

Sundays off at the abortion clinic. I drive by this thing every day; it’s right by the house. Always like one person out there with a sign.

Smoking in your vehicle

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - worry

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

Sufjan Stevens - Planetarium

Tokyo Elvis - nice and pleasant

Bit brigade - Zelda

Bit brigade - Metroid

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Skipped the

Playing:

Purchases:

Basquiat art book

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.10.18

More wine studies. Gonna get Mac on board with a study session with Lionel.

Interested in a BMW 5 series on sale at a lot where Yaqeen’s boy works.  I need to get a car. This rental is costing me $800 a month.

Listening to:

Carl Cox - all roads lead to the dance floor

Nine inch nails - broken

Misfits - walk among us

Anal Trump - the first 100 songs

Anal Cunt - everyone should be killed

Grimes - art angels

Jeff Rosenstock - worry

Jeff Rosenstock - POST

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

Watching:

YouTube -

where are the best place to grow wine

Carbonic maceration

Wine on the lees

Reading:

Eating:

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink

Apple cider vinegar shot

Wheat grass juice powder

Dunkin’ Donuts coffee

Chipotle bowl: no beans, no rice, double meat, sauteed onions/peppers, hot salsa, sour cream, guacamole, lettuce

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Resin bootlegs

Lyric of the day:

“Kiss me hard like a garbage movie” - Jeff Rosenstock

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.09.18

About three days ago I started talking to this girl Aaaaaaaaa from work

She started there when I was In Alaska.

So we got to chatting at work and I learned a little about her: 36 and divorced finally, 17 year old daughter, and apparently she can’t hang on to a man (according to her), and self proclaimed low self esteem. But the last three days we’ve gotten a little close at work and want to make plans.  

Shes seems cool, she has some ‘on again off again’ guy in her life but she said she hasnt heard much from him the last few weeks. Although I just hit her up now after she got out of work, and she said he may come over or something to see her.

All that bullshit aside, I think she may not be too too emotionally invested at this point, but maybe hanging on for some last scrap of whatever, hopefully closure. I mean I don’t mind seeing her while shes still invovoled with someone,  but if he continues on his trend of not showing her off publicly etc (this is according to her, which was a point of contention for her of course), the situation is gonna sort itself out.

Im going to press on either way. Not wait in the wings, but try to get her out of course. And always escalate with male/female intent. She knows im interested that way so its all good.

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - POST

Jeff Rosenstock - We cool?

NOFX - wolves in wolves clothing

NOFX - Ribbed, Live in a Dive

Ben Folds - So there

Me first and the gimme gimmes - are we not men? We are diva!

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink

Wheat grass juice powder drink

Dunkin’ Donuts coffee cream no sugar

Chipotle bowl: no beans, no rice, double meat, sauteed onions/peppers, hiot salsa, sour cream, guacamole, lettuce

Pollo tropical - these mofos had no fucking curry mustard and it chaps me

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“You taught me nothing; I owe you nothing. How can I forget you when there’s nothing to forget?” - So there by Ben Folds

“You’re gonna die in someone else arms, and I have to live with that. I hope you have a good life” - Armor for Sleep

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.08.18

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Sufjan Stevens - lonely man of winter 7 inch preorder

Rozwell Kid - Precious Art (Purple/Orange Vinyl)

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - POST , worry , we cool?

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.07.18

Guy and his girlfriend came to their storage space, gave me a little acknowledgment. He had her pull him on the dolly thing, like he was surfing. I’ve done that a million times here.

Listening to:

Paul’s radio station on Apple Music

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Jermaine Rodgers Choices preorder

Beatles white album reissue preorder

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“Two become one; a cacophony of a car crash” - minus the bear

“I miss you less and less every day; it’s true the whisky helps to wash you away” - Margot and the nuclear so and so’s

“Nicotine Valium Vicodin marijuana ecstasy and alcohol... ccccccccocaine!” - queens of the Stone Age

By fishbone:

“Unyielding conditioning
Tune out from all that's happening
Nobody deserves empathy
Nobody feels for me

We've all been trained by our worlds

I cannot see no one but me
No one can feel my emptiness
Everybody must fend for themselves
There is no openness

We've all been claimed by our worlds [x2]

But I have heard of ways
That say there's light beyond the darkness
And everyone can keep their children warm
And togetherness will guide us safely
Through all storms

Unyielding conditioning
Remove all trace of memory
No one needs justice anymore
No voices raised in anger

We've all been tamed by our worlds [x2]

But I have heard of ways
Where people topple all injustice
No one lives their lives on bended knees
And all bigotry is like a disease
Drowned in the sea
And all can hold their head up high!”

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.06.18

Storage space days. Food and wine studies, trimming down the shit in the space and consolidating. Attempting to keep forward momentum and grind the business as I can.  

Listening to:

Millencolin - For Monkeys

Millencolin - Pennybridge Pioneers

Deadmau5 - For lack of a better title

S/s/s (Sisyphus) - beak and claw

Watching:

Reading:

Karen MacNeil’s Wine bible

Kevin Zraly’s windows on the world wine book

Eating:

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink

Apple cider vinegar shot

Wheat grass juice powder

Dunkin’ Donuts coffee no sugar cream only

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day:

“Its not about the resources you have but how resourceful you are”

8 ball questions and answers

“Is Xxxxxx doing ok?”

“Outlook not so good”

Hashtags:

11.05.18

Ive been watching wine and champagne videos lately. Just been trying to step up my game at Stk. also considering going for my level 1 in sommelier. Its a huge undertaking but the benefits and the street cred would be worth it I believe.

I have to get better. At everything in life. The last couple weeks I have been stepping things up at work. Getting in that groove of talking about the gig every day.

I need to get a vehicle. Ive been renting a new car from Enterprise for $200 a week. Putting that shit on credit. Been putting a lot on credit since returning to FL. But no worries. The STK will provide. Just taking these baby steps.

—

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - Worry

Jeff Rosenstock - We Cool?

Paul Solorzano radio station

Braid - movie music vol. 1

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot, Kale/spinach/lemon juice/stevia drink, wheat grass juice powder

Coffee from dunkin donuts

Bacon

Chipotle bowl: no beans, no rice, double meat, sauteed onions/peppers, hiot salsa, sour cream, guacamole, lettuce

Playing:

havent been on FFXIV  since I got back to Orlando

Purchases:

Mineral - 25 years of mineral book/10” record with new songs

Super 7 Misfits 3.75 figs

Goodwill finds:

Star Wars power of the force, Han Solo figure, carded and sealed, Slightly damaged card slightly damaged bubble package.

Random comic book assortment, Image comics with cool covers, vintage ‘death of Superman’ era comics:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“What I don’t know Is how I could be so incredibly stupid” - Duncan Sheik

“I gotta let you know while you’re alive

Cause everybody loves you when you die”

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.03.18

I got YouTube premium there other day. Don’t know if I mentioned that.

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - Worry

Smashing pumpkins - cherub rock

Watching:

Food / wine / champagne pairing YouTube vids

Reading:

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot , Kale/spinach/lemon juice/stevia drink , wheat grass juice powder

coffee from dunkin donuts

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.02.18

Working on soliciting places for the business. I think one of my niches will be wine companies because I’m on a wine kick now, and working with these places will help me on my wine studies.

Listening to:

Watching:

YouTube:

Veuve vids

champagne vids

food pairing vids

Reading:

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot

Kale/spinach/lemon juice/stevia drink

Wheat grass juice powder (day one with this)

Dunkin Donuts coffee, no sugar, cream only  

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

11.01.18

Ive been trying to wake up a little earlier lately.

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

10.31.18

My first business related phone call! My boy Darren from STK became the GM over at Tasting Room Orlando.

I sent him an audit a few days ago of where they were at with their social media and what we could do immediately to get things moving, along with a few ideas for down the road shit. He's gonna bring it to the investors and get back to me. Either way I'm stoked.

—

Look up year of the comet vintage 1811

Listening to:

Benton Falls

Watching:

Social media marketing program: outsourcing

YouTube: wine studies, Santa Barbara coast

Veuve Clicquot vids

Reading:

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“Nothing makes me happy; I’m like a shitty child” - Jeff Rosenstock

Quote of the day:

“I know our champagne will shine above heaven” - Nicole Clicquot

“We always have to prove we deserve our name and rank” - Nicole Clicquot

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

10.30.18

More storage space cleaning

Started an Instagram for my storage space to sell shit: Instagram.com/paulsstoragespace

Listening to:

Madvillian

Fourtet

I fight dragons

J Dilla

Brandtson

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“Credit buys you everything except love” - Benton Falls

“Slip like Freudian; the first and last step to play yourself like accordion” - Madvillain

Quote of the day:

“If drunk you thinks sleeping with someone is a good idea, then sober you is just you lying to yourself” - me

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

10.29.18

Had a great work night at STK. I saw a little results from my Orin Swift wine studies. Sold a bottle of Abstract to my table, and also sold one to my boy Luis’ table; the was in my neighboring section.

It’s inspiring to see some result in sales. That’s my goal lately is to get good at sales because we sell ourselves every day. So I’ve been boning up a little. I’m also considering studying for my level one sommelier. My boy Mac I work with is interested in it also.

Listening to:

Tokyo Elvis

Watching:

Judge Judy ytp my brother just sent along haha

Mentorbox: five things to do to hook prospects

Reading:

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

Healeymade quackulas

Larry David curb your enthusiasm bootleg fig from Killer Bootlegs

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

10.27.18

At chipotle. Modifying burrito bowls to conform to my ketogenic diet. I’m  down ten lbs thus far. It’s been a couple weeks soon.

Had sex with a girl last night. She likes me. I’m just emotionally not there.

Today is oct 27. A red letter day in my life. It’s chronicled right here:

http://thekittycatandtheconman.tumblr.com

My love letter of a novella written to and about Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz, also known as The First Zzzzzz.

Listening to:

Ozma

The rentals

Feadz

Mr. Oizo

Handbraekes

Roswell Kid

Antarctigo Vespucci

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot,

Kale/spinach/lemon juice/stevia drink

Chipotle bowl: double meat, sautéed onions/peppers, hot salsa, sour cream, cheese, guacamole, lettuce

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“I breathe your name, and suddenly I feel happy again” - Ozma

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

“Is Xxxxxx ok?”

“Don’t count on it”

“Should I attempt to contact her?”

“My sources say no”

It ain’t time yet.

Hashtags:

#thekittycatandtheconman

10.26.18

I saw Piebald in Tampa last night with Danielito who came up from bradenton. They played all the hits. I got the two shirts they were selling. Ah, merch. Definitely falls under the umbrella of ‘stuff lust’

I still need to write about:

•           Time in Bradenton with Danielito and the rest of my family

•           Mother had a heart attack

•           Rachel getting a divorce

•           Back to Orlando

•           Back to STK

•           Living with Tina Watkins

•           Becoming awesome

•           Getting healthy after the summer of slop

•           Three weeks of weed and YouTube poops

Listening to:

Watching:

Orin Swift wine vids on YouTube

Will wink and the chalk factory ytp

Reading:

Eating:

apple cider vinegar shot, kale/spinach drink

Scrambled eggs w/ heavy cream , sliced turkey , creamy cheese spread with chive flavor,

Playing:

Purchases:

Dr bergs wheat grass juice powder (I used to use this stuff daily before Alaska, along with the kale drink and apple cider vinegar)

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“Trying to not find your plans; like combing a beach with more sand” - Fat and Skinny Asses by Piebald  

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:

#Piebald #ytp #drberg #drericberg

10.25.18

I suppose I’ll get back into the journaling now. Much has happened even since Alaska:

•           Time in Bradenton with Danielito and the rest of my family

•           Mother had a heart attack

•           Rachel getting a divorce

•           Back to Orlando

•           Back to STK

•           Living with Tina Watkins

•           Becoming awesome

•           Getting healthy after the summer of slop

Listening to:

#Sufjan

#Serengeti

#Piebald

Watching:

Reading:

Eating:

Kale/spinach drink

Eggs with heavy cream

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received:

eBay obsessions:

Lyric of the day:

“Oh life, with your colorful surprises” - Sufjan  

Quote of the day:

8 ball questions and answers

Hashtags:s

[nicolefiona]

It's not always as it seems.

Hello my friends !  Today I wanted to talk about something... Something that M A N Y of you have been reaching out, and asking me about.  And to be honest, I was going to write this post, and then after dealing with a wee bit of drama earlier this week, I thought maybe I would hold off on it, and then I decided - what the heck why not go for it anyway.  Today, we are gonna talk about, Instagram. And although you have probably noticed, it is totally my jam but honestly, not everything is as it seems on Instagram, shocker !  I thought I would lift a bit of the veil on a few things today, and although I am not going to go into my strategies, or how I plan my posts, etc... I thought I would touch a bit on the topic, especially for those of you who message me asking for advice. This post isn't being written to act as a tool guide, but more so to give a general awareness.  So, let's go !  1. Don't hate the player, hate the game.  With the social media world always constantly evolving, people are always needing to find new and creative ways to try and get to the 'top'... The top of everyone's timeline that is.  Believe it or not, there are certain apps, and websites, that can help with generating traffic to your content, by liking, commenting, or following others. Although there are mixed reviews on this, ( and i am going to keep mine out of it ), there are definitely pro's and cons to using such a device.  Believe it or not, sometimes, when you see people getting tons of engagement on their posts, that's not always legit either, i mean, sometimes it comes from actual accounts... But, sometimes influencers join thing's called 'comment pods', where they all circulate commenting on other people in the pod's post, to make it seem as though they have alot more engagement on their posts. Again, mixed reviews on this -- and you got it, i am keeping my opinion to myself.  The point of me bringing any of that up is... Different people, have different tactics - personally I don't care to judge on either, I kind of have my own business to worry about. But that being said, I constantly see other's taking digs at other people - but hey, in an industry thats constantly evolving people are always trying to adapt, and get them to their end goal as quick as possible, and I can't even begin to try and blame anyone for that. Obviously each option is going to bring pro's and cons -- but as this point started... DON'T HATE THE PLAYER, HATE THE GAME. 2.  Fake it, until you make it.  I am not talking about this in an arrogant sense, because believe me, I see a few people out there, that kindddaaa act like their shit don't stink.  But that being said, even if you aren't at that ultimate goal that you have got ahead of yourself, i am a firm believer if you treat something like you have 'made it' before you are there, the results will be soon to follow.  So although you may not have tons of followers, or tons of subscribers, continue to act in a manner like you do, that will help to keep you accountable to your goals. I promise that practiced skill set of consistency before you have the numbers, will produce a character in you that is essential for when you do have the numbers.  3. Be nice, to everyone.  Have you ever heard that saying, "you catch more flies with honey, than you do with vinegar ". or have you heard, " Honour up, honour down, honour all around ". As my blogging career continues, it has been interesting to see some of the interesting ebbs and flows of the peers around me. And all I can say is this, regardless of the fact that someone may have 'smaller' numbers than you... You should never disregard that person, because you never know when the day comes when they land themselves in the same circles as you, and or on the same par as you, or even surpass you. I get it, its a competitive space out there, but what is coming to you, and is for you, can't be taken from you. I think this is an industry in which people operate from a scarcity mindset, and it's totally not needed. 4. Be true and authentic to you. Your vibe, attracts your tribe. It is totally easy to get caught up in what looks good, or what is on trend, what type of content is producing the most likes. But honestly, you may grow your audience slower, but people can totally see when you are not being true and authentic to yourself. For me, this is a huge area i struggle in... Because often, what I want to talk about, isn't necessarily what is going to produce the most 'likes', but i would be doing myself such a disservice if i wasn't being true to myself. I firmly believe that if you are being true to you, and even if that is a bit different than the path that everyone else in your industry is taking ... It ends up helping you out in the long run, because you ending up sticking out amongst everyone that is doing everything else the same. 5. Hashtag like a BOSS  Did you know, you can use 30 hashtags per insta post ? Honestly, I know some people feel lame using hashtags, but think of it like this :  The internet is one huge ocean, and you using a hashtag, is like you are casting a reel, out there to catch some fish.  Every hashtag is like another fishing hook out there. So why wouldn't you want to cast as many reel's out there ?! I personally like to keep a list of hashtags in my phone, so I can just copy and paste them when needed.  6. Consistency is key Like most things in life, consistency is so important, and hey... I am still working on that. I mean, I am consistent as heck on my Instagram in the aspect of posting consistently...  But when it comes to my blog and youtube channel, its definitely still a work in progress.  However, I have to tell you this, since the new year where i made a commitment to myself to take this all seriously... So many doors have opened for me, that it's crazy to see what a short 90 days of consistency can produce, and it actually just makes me wish I took on this attitude a lot sooner.  Those are my not so quick six tips on this whole new digital world we live in. I know although being a long post it is still a tad bit vague, but that was on purpose.  I think ultimately, you need to do your research, i promise all of your answers to this kind of stuff is just a google search away ;)   

[michaelpatrickhicks]

My First-Ever ConFusion Convention!

So, I meant to write about this last week, but life, as it so often does, interrupted. Last week was a big, big week. We inaugurated a Russain-aided, bloviating, ignorant, walking spray tan with a bad comb-over as our forty-fifth President of the United States, and he's been stomping the shit out of our Constitution ever since, targeting women, journalists, science, intelligence agents, and immigrants with unbridled hostility. It seems like so much more time has passed than a mere week-plus, but we only just wrapped our first actual whole fucking week with the Pussy Grabber In Chief at the helm. 

Friday, Jan. 20, 2017 was a dreary, appropriately rainy, and depressing day. Thankfully, Saturday was pretty awesome, and I spent a good deal of time hanging out with the science fiction and fantasy fandom over at ConFusion 2017. This is a fan-run convention, and one of the longest running conventions of its kind, having started back in the early 1970s and celebrating its forty-third year. It's also an event that is local to me, although this year was my first time attending.

And you know what? ConFusion was a hell of a lot of fun. I arrived there at 9 a.m., spent the day in readings, Q&As, and milling about, getting books signed. I left after the 5 p.m. autograph session to return home to my wife and son (she had broken her foot, and he's been teething ferociously, so many, many thanks to them for letting me have a me-day). I learned, first-hand, what con crud feels like, arriving home bleary eyed, hungry, and in need of a shower from hanging out with a thousand-plus readers and writers. 

While I was having fun, all around the world women, and men supportive of the cause, were marching in solidarity against Trump in the Women's March on Washington. I followed the hashtag and some of the other authors I follow who were partaking in the march, and my heart was happy at the sight of what quickly became the largest act of protest in American history. According to a report at the New York Times, attendance for the march was three times larger than for Trump's sparsely-attended inauguration (a fact that shouldn't surprise anyone, since he lost the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes), which was more than enough to put a big smile on my face. Trump would take to the airwaves, using his first full day in office, to condemn the media for accurately reporting on the sparse turnout for his inauguration, and then unleashed his press secretary to scold and lie to the media, so anything that helped get under his thin, orange skin was something to be applauded.

Given the state of our nation, inside ConFusion John Scalzi joked that his upcoming release, The Collapsing Empire, was either the best-timed, or perhaps worst-timed, book title of his career. He read from Chapter Two of this book, and it was pretty damn amusing. I recently received a NetGalley ARC and am looking forward to diving into it soon. There's a few books ahead of it, but based on Scalzi's reading, it's going to be a grand old time for this little bookworm. He confirmed that the naming conventions of his spaceships are in honor of Iain M. Banks, so fans of the Culture books have a little extra to look forward to. There was also a wonderful amount of swearing by his potty-mouthed, ass-kicking heroine, which I always appreciate, and Scalzi recently received positive reviews from Kirkus and Publisher's Weekly, so I'm certainly expecting great things. Congrats, John!

Joining Scalzi for the reading panel was Joe Hill, who read from The Fireman, a book I read and enjoyed last year, and even ordered a signed copy of. He and Scalzi argued over guitarists, which culminated in a pillow fight (which I made to sure record!) at the start of the panel. From there, they read, joked, and argued over Star Wars, Marvel movies, and music. It was such a good time, and helped set my expectations for the rest of the day.

For the mid-part of the day, I hung out with Shay VanZwoll, my editor on Extinction Cycle: From the Ashes (A Kindle Worlds Novella), and got to meet her husband. Shay's been attending ConFusion for good number of years, and she introduced to me a few people, including author Ferret Steinmetz, who wrote the 'Mancer trilogy and has a new book, The Uploaded, due out in September. He told us a bit about this forthcoming release, and it's sounds superb. Shay and I pre-ordered it soon afterward. You can read a bit about it over at Barnes & Noble Sci-Fi & Fantasy Blog.

Over the course of the day, I also got to meet Delilah S. Dawson (who writes The Shadow books as Lila Bowen), during a kaffeeklatsch she hosted for writers and attendees new to ConFusion. It was a lot of fun to pick her brain and hear her thoughts on the state of writing these days. I also got to meet some local indie authors, and authors-to-be (Hi, KC!) 

Later in the day, I attended Mallory O'Meara's Q&A. As ConFusion's Media Guest of Honor, O'Meara was on hand to discuss her role as producer for the upcoming puppet film, Yamasong: March of the Hollows. I missed the special sizzle reel screening at 9 p.m., but from what I've seen online it's a pretty intriguing project with some great star power behind it (Nathan Fillion, Malcolm McDowell, Abigail Breslin, Whoopi Goldberg, George Takei). The poster is pretty awesome, and I was able to get an autographed copy from Mallory.

In terms of autographs, I did pretty well for myself, I think. Joe Hill signed the first three volumes of Locke & Key, which I had brought with me. I bought paperback copies of Ferret's trilogy (these look terrific in print, done up in matte black covers; sexy stuff!), as well as Michael Underwood's Genrenauts: The Complete Season One Collection - also a terrific looking paperback. I also got the first two books by Patrick S. Tomlinson, The Ark and Trident's Forge. 

Angry Robot Books has been one of my favorite SFF publishers over the last few years, and it was great to see them have such a strong presence in terms of author showing. In addition to Underwood, Tomlinson, and Steinmetz, Kameron Hurley and Adam Rakunas were on hand to sign books and discuss their works. My biggest regret was not being able to fit in one of the panels attended by Sarah Gailey, particularly her reading from the upcoming River of Teeth from Tor Books. I'm desperate to read that book, and with its focus on killer hippos and mercenaries how could I not be? I did get a nice little card advertising the book and showcasing the brilliant cover art, though, so not a total loss. From what I hear, it was a pretty impressive reading. 

I'd say my first ConFusion, and, in fact, my very first convention ever, was a success. I had a lot of fun, got to meet some cool people, and spend worthwhile time with authors, readers, and fans. Given the political reality outside ConFusion, spending time with a community of fans and writers provided a much-needed break from the world, as well as a good dose of sanity. I left ConFusion looking forward, already, to the 2018 gathering. I'm looking forward to diving back into this particular brand of crazy!