#shit sucks so much. its on accessibility in theatre too

[kinglypup]

i have to present a paper at a research showcase on tuesday and i only have 12 minutes to do so. my original paper was 13 and a half pages long and im having to edit it down to 6 and a half to be able to stay within that 12 minutes and im destroying the fucking integrity of my work. this is so unfair.

[temporarymoods]

mwah

scatch what i said on that last post. idk her. im CHILLINGGGGG!!!

MarMon today: yes I celebrated. you gotta. duh. Patriot's Day-- a Mass thing!? Hilarious.

We went to the race and yelled and screamed and cheered on at various points. Walked a bunch. Got sunburnt in that shallow way, but my nose is pink. It was pretty emotional! So proud of everyone. Kept thinking that this is kind of one of the best things humanity can do. Anyway-- B)

Got sambas, lmfao?! Trying to look like a boy. Followed by some really good pasta. and then trying to look like a girl. i went to a frat! for the first time! i got champagne on my sambas. christened. the person who clocked me as queer at the party said "christened" after i had minutes prior. yeah. a good thing

- - i know the gender thing of it is ridiculous but for some reason my soft complicated body craves that sexual weirdness between men and women and particularly these young men and women in that..disgusting atmosphere. a disgusting atmosphere. really hungry for that generalization.. it's true. im really attracted to men

other than that^ being tough,

i went DANCINGGG!!!!!1!1!11!!11!!

and I LOVED IT SO MUCH!!!!111!1

What a GREAT night!!! i can't put into words how amazing i feel even though that is why i came here...shucks. has the moment past? did i spend too much time on the queue?

My foot is sore as I type this. I came home so inspired and read up on country swing vs other kinds (I knew jazz swing was the thing, and swing dancin aint line dancin !) then i listened to a lot of good music:

Slow Dancing - Aly & AJ * total classic for me lmao. damn they have the best spotify top 5

Let's Get Married - Bill Elliot Swing Orchestra * when i didn't yet understand that i had to look up **country** swing music. now i know ;) god i cant wait to go again

-- what is it?! i think its that i really love to dance, to move my body, to try and get it right, to improve? to be good? to have fun in a choreographed way. to conform. the do the correct thing. idk

here's what i think its really about: i think i like smootheness. and i like the click of a phenomenon you can't pull a word for. and short counts. and intention. and shape. mostly shape. beat, sure, too. i like beat. i like rising to it, and not tiring. i dont know how i get so obsessed. i need to go back. that was exactly what ive been looking for for months, and what i thought i found but only got in part in the club, which i go to for the dancing, the loud music, the blindingness. but i dont contribute there. my ears are filled but the sound can only vibrate me a little. im not, swung, literally. and i cant provide energy to the space like you can witcha boots awn. so yeah, i think thats really it. dancing. i fucking love dancing. ive always fucking loved dancing. for real! really! i never got that good, yeah. but i fucking loved it thats for sure. i always wanted someone to actually teach me shit. they didnt do that enough in theatre. maybe they did. maybe i just wasnt that talented. not now though. dead. fucking. ass. just input my entire work calendar that i have access to because this shits getting real my life is mine and theres fan fucking tastic things to be doing with it.

alright...i could continue...i'll pick up the rest in my dairy ;* not gonna get too personal, phew. uhm. eh hem.

That Don't Impress Me Much - Shania Twain

Tequila - Dan + Shay

End of Beginning - Djo * lmao i got on this because i saw some interview w him online as im jamminggugghh i got sucked in. then all this happened:

Change - Djo * so much better than the one blowin up btw

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Eurythmics, etc * i looked up more songs like Change :| hahaha. then all this happened:

Lifetime - Yves Tumor

Pop Song - Perfume Genius

Here Comes the Rain Again - Eurythmics, etc

Here Comes Your Man - Pixies

Eye in the Wall - Perfume Genius

Boys - Amen Dunes * at this point my original mission is fucked. the intention's gone. i'm so far from where i started: country lovin

at the same time the joint i rolled before we went out and shared on the way home is getting its way through my system for sure. its approaching 2am, woah! full day tomorrow but not nearly as inspired at this one. this one's literally how you're supposed to live . well maybe beer not getting stolen at the bar mmmm. mhm. yeah i'll tack that on as well.

i didnt, dont, want to let go of tonight skrrreorgihveouhv!!!! uuuummm! yeah i should keep thinking about it. : ) : ) hehehehehe

Man! I Feel Like a Woman! - Shania Twain

<3 , so much ;)

Kate

[hwangzi]

Movie Date (M)

gif credits: tbzes

[Warning: NSFW content]

It's been a while since Hyunjin took you out on a proper date, or any date in general - he's been so caught up with promotions that he barely got any time to come home, let alone time to spend with you.

Now that he finally had a few days off, you guys decided to go for a nice dinner and a movie afterwards.

You couldn't deny how much you missed his presence, acting clingier around him than usual, holding hands and admiring him whenever you could.

Your behaviour didn't go unnoticed by your boyfriend, though he didn't really mind - on the contrary, he welcomed it, having longed for some quality time with his beloved girlfriend himself.

So you found yourself sitting in the movie theatres, some romcom playing in front of you but you were unable to focus on the screen. Instead, your gaze kept wandering off to the boy next to you. Soft light from the movie screen illuminated his angelic face, making his naturally sharp features stand out even more. He looked incredibly handsome - and so incredibly hot.

The more time passed, the more squeamish you seemed to get in your polstered seat, snuggling up to his side, taking his hand that was placed on the armrest to play with his fingers.

To be straightforward, you haven't touched your boyfriend for too long and now the pent up sexual frustration made you really horny.

However, it seemed that Hyunjin was more focused on the film than on you. You pouted to yourself, placing your left hand on his thigh, kinda hoping he'd catch on without drawing too much attention from your seat neighbours. When no reaction was shown, you started running your palm up and down his upper leg, turning your focus back on the movie.

Little did you know, your lover was registering every little action of yours. Honestly, Hyunjin didn't even know what this movie was about, his focus was rather on containing himself than on its storyline.

Suddenly, you felt a hand on top of yours, stopping your movements with a soft but firm grip. Hot breath tickled your neck when he leaned in to whisper in you ear,

"If you keep this up, I'm gonna have to fuck you in the bathroom."

You flinched at the unexpected comment, cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Straightening your pose, you carefully checked left and right before looking straight into your boyfriend's dark, provocative eyes with your own nervous, but equally lustful ones.

"H-Hyunjin, I..." you murmured, your resolve melting away under his heated gaze.

"Oh your stomach's not feeling well, sweetheart? Let me take you to the toilet, then."

Without waiting for your response to his little act, he pulled you up with him and lead you out of the dark hall before you could utter another word.

The next thing you knew was your body pressed to the cold wall of a locked cabin inside the ladies' washing room and Hyunjin's body eagerly pushed against yours from behind.

"Couldn't keep you hands to yourself, huh? All over me in a movie theatre, now look what you've gotten yourself into."

He growled into your ear while his hands cupped your breast and you moaned out loud when he started fondling them through the thin fabric of your blouse.

Moving one of his hands upwards to silence you, Hyunjin started placing hot kisses against your neck.

"Quiet, baby. Unless you want them to catch us..." he breathed heavily, keeping his hands on your chest, kneading and feeling you through the silky cloth.

You internally thanked your decision to come to this small independent cinema today - they only had a single hall, meaning unless someone left in the middle of the movie, no one would be here.

Growing impatient, you started unbuttoning the top of your blouse yourself, giving him access to your naked, warm skin, which he greedily touched, roughly massaging the flesh and playing with your nipples. You had to place your hands on the wall in order to steady yourself, biting down on your lip as not to moan when you felt his growing erection press against your behind.

His teasing drove you insane and made you crave more, so you turned your head to voice your request.

"Please, Jinnie, don't tease-," he interrupted you with his mouth, plush lips capturing your own in a feverish kiss, tweaking your sensitive buds even more in the process, causing them to stiffen underneath his fingertips.

"That's the price you pay for feeling me up in public. We'll do this at my pace." He groaned into your mouth and pulled away, holding his index finger up to your lips.

"Now suck."

You did as you were told, taking his digit into you mouth and began licking and suckling around it. Hyunjin's breath hitched, your unconcealed need for him waking his most carnal desires.

Once satisfied with your performance, he removed his finger and started pulling up the hem of your bottoms.

"Thank god you're wearing a skirt today," he spoke, trailing his wet finger up slowly, "There's very little distance from here..." he lightly traced where the hem of your skirt met the exposed skin of your thighs,

"...to here."

You felt the tip of his pointer probe at your dripping entrance and before you knew it, he'd pushed all the way up into your heat.

You cried out in surprise, unable to hide your arousal any longer. Frankly, you didn't care because your boyfriend's skilled fingers were making you melt into the tiled floor.

"Shit," Hyunjin cursed under his breath,

"Already this wet and we’ve barely even started... You're enjoying this, aren't you?" You gasped when you felt a harsh sting on your butt, realising he had just spanked you.

"Secretly wanted me to screw you in this tiny cinema bathroom, huh? Answer me, baby." You whimpered again when his palm met your skin a second time, pleasure sparking through your body. You were blushing from his lewd words, yet unable to deny any of them.

"Y-yes, Sir."

"Good girl. Now turn around and take your panties off for me." You hurriedly followed his order, too turned on to defy him and wanting nothing more than to cut to the case.

"Won't need that for today," Hyunjin smirked and took the small piece of lace from you, shoving it in his back pocket. Before you were able to complain, he inserted two digits back into your heat. His other hand went back to abuse your breasts while he reconnected your lips, making you moan into his mouth.

His tongue played with yours while his fingers slipped in and out, leaving you light-headed, gripping his muscular shoulders to stabilise yourself.

You were panting by the time he leaned back to admire the view he had created.

Your breasts were spilling out of the partially unbuttoned blouse, lips red and swollen from his kisses, loose strands of hair framing your flushed face and half-lidded eyes gazing at him alluringly, anticipating his next move.

"Fuck..." Hyunjin groaned, the sight of you rendering him speechless. You were absolutely gorgeous, he thought to himself, he was one lucky motherfucker to call you his.

"Y/n... you have no idea how fucking sexy you look right now." he muttered, releasing his full lower lip he had been biting - one of his signature moves - you swallowed hard. Losing the last of his willpower to control himself, Hyunjin hastily unbuckled his belt, pulling down his jeans and shorts in one swift motion.

He chuckled when you gulped the moment your eyes landed on his lower half, licking your lips in anticipation, mirroring the same hunger he felt for you at that moment.

To take things even further, he grabbed his already painfully hard length and started stroking it in his hand, urging you to watch intently as precum collected on its tip. You couldn't look away. He was testing you on purpose.

"Tell me how much you need this, baby. Let me hear you say it." His soft, low voice resonated deep in your groin and you pulled him in for another passionate kiss.

"I can't wait anymore... p-please put it in-" you begged, and that did it for him.

Hyunjin turned you around swiftly, giving you no time to register before he bent you over and slid all the way inside you in one fluid motion, making both of you groan at the immense satisfaction. He started moving not long after that, setting a fast pace that made your head spin.

"This what you wanted? Me buried inside you while someone could walk in on us, like the thirsty little whore you are..." he spoke through gritted teeth, increasing speed so he hit all the right places.

"Yess...Hyunn-Jin-!" you couldn't stop yourself from crying his name loudly, not even bothering how desperate you might sounded.

"Fuck...So tight around me, so perfect..." He threw his head back at the sensation of you sucking him in every time he drove back into you. It’s been months since he last made love to you properly and the feeling of finally having you overwhelmed his senses. By now, anybody could have heard the skin slapping and restrained voices coming from the cabin.

"Please, d-don't stop," you pleaded, meeting his movements halfway and he groaned in response, slamming into you even harder and removing one hand from your hip to rub your clit in figure eights.

“Y/n...” the way Hyunjin softly moaned your name while kissing and biting the skin of your nape was driving you crazy - the knot in your stomach was tightening more and more with every harsh thrust from him, causing you to push against the cabin wall with a cry of pleasure.

"O-Oh my god...Hyunjin I'm-"

"That's it, baby," he encouraged you, getting closer to release himself as he felt your walls tighten around him.

"Go ahead, beautiful. Cum for me."

The moment his heavenly, husky voice verbalized those three words, you lost it. The waves of your orgasm hit you hard as you clenched and spasmed around his length. You had to slap a hand onto your mouth as not to scream. Witnessing you coming all over him also succeeded in pushing your boyfriend over the edge.

Hyunjin grabbed your hips, a string of profanities leaving his mouth when he reached an equally intense climax, filling you up with his release. He pushed into you a few more times, slowly riding out both of your highs. Despite being exhausted himself, he made sure to hold your body tightly, preventing your now wobbly knees from giving out. You struggled to catch your breath, barely managing to form a coherent sentence.

"Holy shit, that was-"

The click of a door handle cut you off, every muscle of your body froze in shock. If somebody was to see inside the cabin, you were absolutely doomed - two half naked bodies with your boyfriend's cock still buried inside you.

"Hello? Someone here?" You heard the voice of an elderly woman followed by a squeaky noise of rusty wheels and you looked back at your equally alert lover-

That must be the cleaning lady.

"U-Uhm yes, sorry, I'll be right out!" You cleared your throat, trying your best to hide the breathlessness in your voice, making Hyunjin supress a chuckle.

Once the noise of the cart wheels got more distant, you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding and Hyunjin removed himself from you.

"Well that was fun," he chuckled and you hit his arm playfully, finished buttoning up your blouse and left the cabin to wash your hands.

"That was the most nerve-wracking shit we've ever pulled," you retorted, fixing your hair in the mirror, letting out a small sigh upon discovering a blooming hickey on the side of your neck. Hyunjin followed, turning on the faucet beside you.

"Yeah, but also one of the best sex we've ever had. Come on, you fucking loved it."

"Also true," you shrugged, blushing a little.

"Now let's go back to the movies. We can always go for round two when we're back home." Hyunjin winked, a playful smirk tugging on the corner of his lips that turned into one of his adorable giggles when you splashed water at him.

Your date night was long from over.

[detroitbydark]

Title: A Collector

Characters: Mob!Haz/Reader

Word Count: 2400+

Summary: Sometimes love means being blind. Sometimes it means having your eyes wide open.

Warnings: Smut

A/N: I blame this completely on @hazshauntedbelle​  (also the moodboard is all hers because she's a genius.) Never intended for this to be as long as it is but it kind of wrote itself. I suppose it could be a precursor to my other Mob!Haz piece.  

You walked into love with Harrison Osterfield with eyes wide open, never under an illusion he was anything other than what he was, a killer and a mobster. For his part he didn’t try to force rose colored glasses over your eyes or blinders to hide the shit he did.

The day you’d met him you’d been sent along with one of the galleries appraisers to look at a piece he was thinking of auctioning at an upcoming charity event. You were young, barely out of school with an art history degree and a ton of student debt. You’d been hired on as a junior appraiser, an understudy of sorts to the paunchy old man with the droopy face who’d held the position since the days of methuselah. Your heart ticked up a notch as the towncar passed through the iron gates with armed guards on either side. In your line of work confidentiality was of the utmost importance but the guards and the wrought iron O on the gate had been an easy giveaway. Osterfield. The name was synonymous with the London mob and decadence. Even before the heir to the throne, Harrison, had taken over the family business it was a known fact that you didn’t cross an Osterfield or turn down one of their invitations. An invite to an Osterfield party or even was worth its weight in gold. Everything they did was exclusive. Everything they were was high end. 

You’d followed dutifully behind the appraiser as he was welcomed in, keeping your head down and taking notes as you’d been instructed. A baby faced brunette with a gentle smile had shown you into the study where a handful of paintings had been set up on stands to be assessed. You’d nearly had a heart attack at the names that surrounded you. Matisse. Picasso. Pollock. Klimt. It was almost too much for you to bear, so much beauty in such a small space. You missed Harrison when he’d entered but he hadn’t missed you as you stepped softly from one painting to the next, your fingers ghosting over strokes and absorbing the colors and textures.

“Beautiful, yeah?” His voice had startled you and you nearly dropped your notebook. It had brought an easy smile to his face. You shot the appraiser a look but he was already moving about looking at the different works.

“It’s a wonderful collection.” You’d said softly.  Harrison had moved closer to you, nearly shoulder to shoulder as he turned and looked at the painting you’d stopped in front of. It was one of Pollock’s. 

  “Why this one?” He’d asked and  he expected an answer. Men like him always did. 

“I like the abstract expressionists.” you answered softly and felt rewarded but his hum of agreeance. “I like beautiful things.” you added as an afterthought. 

“So do I.” He turned his head, blue eyes boring into yours. ”But why this one?” 

You were never sure what made you answer so honestly, what made you answer the way you did.

“The red reminds me of blood spatter.”

When an Osterfield liked something they didn’t let anything get in the way. Harrison moved quickly securing you as his own. From the moment he laid eyes on you he knew you were meant to him, hand delivered by the Gods. You were a delicious package both gorgeous and wickedly intelligent. You kept him on his toes. You made him want to take over the world if only to offer it to you on a silver platter. 

 He liked that you weren’t a society girl. You didn’t come from money. You’d  worked to get where you were. He liked that you appreciated everything he did for you. He enjoyed lavishing you with gifts and taking you to nice dinners and parties and the way your eyes would light up when he surprised you with box seats to the theatre. He enjoyed your wonder at the finer things in life, you never seemed to grow accustomed or jaded. You never questioned his life style, never tried to talk him out of his life of crime. You stood by his side regardless of what wicked things he’d done and would do in the future. You had a zest for life and the beauty in even the darkest parts of it. Harrison liked to collect beautiful things, surround himself with them, and you were his pride and joy. 

You knocked lightly at the office door and heard a muffled call for you to come in. The morning sun was just beginning to spill in through the window at Harrison’s back and it bathed him in light more becoming of an angel than the devil you knew him to be. He was your devil though, your fallen angel, and your heart sang as he beckoned you in. you press the solid wood door shut before padding over to his desk. He pats his knee, never glancing away from his open laptop on the desk. Obediently you sit down and his arm comes to wrap around your waist, his fingers brush against the soft sild of the robe you’d worn. He holds the phone away from his mouth just long enough to place a pair of soft kissed against your collar bone where your robe had fallen open. You lean against his chest, fingers toying with the fine hair at the back of his neck as he continued to talk on the phone. 

“Two things William.” he growls out, the sound reverberating through his chest. You hear the talking on the other end cease. “First, you don’t ever interrupt me when I’m talking to you. You got me?”

You hear a muffled response on the other end of the line. You loved seeing Harrison like this. When he was alone with you he was soft and doting but outside of your little bubble he could show no weakness. He was the boss and anyone who didn’t listen was likely to find themselves wishing they had. He demanded respect and obedience or else there was a price to pay. 

“Second” He continues, “Figure out how to unfuck this situation…” Something about the control in his voice, the threat in his tone did something to you. You squirmed lightly in his lap, feeling the beginnings of your own arousal start to dampen your panties. Harrison’s hand squeezes your hip, stilling you. You bite your lip lightly. 

“William, I don’t want to hear your fucking bullshit, yeah? This is your fault…” Harrison sighs loudly, it’s a bored sound but you know it’s really the sound he made before he was done with whomever he was dealing with. 

“Interrupt me again and I will come down there and put a bullet between your fucking eyes” he promises with a sudden burst of anger that has  goose flesh breaking out across your arms, you clamp your thighs together. It was sick to be so turned on by your boyfriend threatening someone but you didn’t care.  He glances over at you and raises an eyebrow. Your tongue darts out to wet your lips. A knowing smirk grows across his smug face. “Good that’s more like it.” he says into the phone after a moment of watching you. His attention goes back to his computer as you try to wait patiently. 

The conversation continues for another few minutes, your nipples are hard and peaked, pressing against your robe and you are unbearably wet as he wraps it up. When he sets the phone down he turns to you. 

“Good morning, Angel.” He says lightly, a hand trails from your knee up your inner thigh, nudging you open. 

“Good morning, Darling.” You respond with a soft inhale as his fingers reach the damp fabric of your panties and stroke lightly over them. You’ve always thought his hands were a magical experience. Dexterous fingers with a knowledge of what it took to drive you wild, fingers that would just as soon wrap around his enemies throat as he choked the life out of them. 

“Angel, you're absolutely soaked.” He notes,  teasing your sex through the fabric. He plays like he’s shocked. “The thought of me putting poor William out of his misery get you all hot and bothered, love?” You sigh out his name softly.

 “Love seeing you take charge. It gets me every time.” You admit as a finger slips under the hem of your panties and dips into your folds. You cant your hips trying to get him to touch your clit or slip a finger inside of you but he doesn’t and you pout prettily.  “Haz…. I want you baby.” His warm breath tickles against the column of your throat as he chuckles. 

“Such a needy little girl for me, aren’t you?” You feel his fingers slip away from your body and you whine at the loss, than they’re pressing against your lips demanding access. You suck his fingers, slick with your own arousal as he watches. Your eyes flutter shut as you think of something else you’d like in your mouth, imagine the tang of your juices is actually the bitter bite of his release. 

Harrison removes the digits from your mouth, lets them trail down over your chin. Moving lower, they slide between your breasts and stroke softly before he’s pushing open your robe. He tuts quietly. 

“Naughty girl. Just your panties and robe? Did you have something on your mind when you came in here?” The smug grin on his face lets you know he’s pleased with you and it makes you that much more desperate for him. You loved making Harrison happy, loved giving him what he needed. You nod silently. 

“Why don’t you slide off my lap and put your hands flat on the desk. Can’t leave my girl such a needy mess can I?” His strong hand strokes against your cheek as you smile brightly at him. He always knew what you needed. He always made sure you were taken care of.

You let the robe slip from your shoulders as you stand, your hands going flat on the mahogany desk in front of you. Harrison’s hand smooths along your bare back and you can’t help but arch back at the feeling. He chuckles darkly as you hear the familiar ‘shink’ of the switchblade he always carried on him. The cool metal against your skin makes you whimper as he slices your panties at each hip. They fall away and you’re left bare and open to him. 

He takes his time admiring you. His hands squeeze the round globes of your ass and he quietly hushes you as your whining gets louder.

“Almost time, Darling.” he soothes as you hear the rustle of his belt buckles and the zipper of his pants. The solid length of him presses against the cleft of your ass and your ready to beg for it, wherever he wants to put it just so long as it’s inside you. A strong hand pushes your upper body against the desk as he guides the tip of his erection up and down your sopping folds. The wood of the desk is cool against your breasts in stark contrast to the heat radiating from his cock as It bumps against your clit.  You nearly cry out as he strokes his head over the tiny bundle of nerves.  Finally after he’s brought you to the edge of sanity he slowly readjusts and slips inside you. It's a stretch to accommodate him. He’s thicker than any man you’ve ever been with. He doesn’t give you time to adjust as he begins rocking into you, hands dropping to your hips as you press back to meet his thrusts. 

“That’s right. You needed this didn’t you?” 

You cry out “yes” and how much you’d wanted him inside you. 

Harrison liked keeping a running commentary. When you made love he was full of soft encouragement, whispered affection, words of adoration. When you fucked he praised you, told you what a good girl you were for taking his cock so pretty or how good you were going to look with his seed dripping out of you.  It had come to the point where you were sure his voice and the words alone were enough in themselves to get you off. 

“My sweet girl.” He breathes out as a hand moves from your hip, tangling in your hair. He pulls back. Your chest comes off the desk. You feel the buttons of his shirt press along your spine as his body melds to yours and he mouths at you neck. 

“Mine.” he growls, “Say it, Angel.”

“I’m yours! Only yours!” Your cries are broken as his other hand leaves your hip and moves to your breast. His fingers twist and pluck at you nipple. You feel your body clamp around him, hear his ragged groan in your ear. 

“I would kill for you, Darling” He rumbles in your ear, nipping at the lobe as he fucks up into your willing body. “It makes you hot knowing I’d fucking end someone for messing with you, doesn’t it?”

“Haz...God...yes…” You manage to choke out as your own hand slips between your thighs and begins circling your clit in quick, light strokes. 

“I’d fucking die for you love, before I ever let another man lay his hands on you.” 

He is all but snarling as each snap of his hips presses yours against the desk. You feel a ball of pleasure growing low in your belly, wrapping around your spine, your muscles tightening with each thrust. 

“Tell me what I need to hear, love.” 

“I love you Harrison….fuck…. I love…” the words are cut off as the building tension suddenly snaps and your falling apart. Only Harrison’s strong arms banding around you keeps you upright as his own rhythm falters. You're panting and shaking in his grasp. “Please, love, fill me…”

You hear a choked sound escape from him as he buries himself deep inside you. Your body squeezes him as he pumps every drop of his load against your cervix. 

You both pant heavily as he begins to soften inside you. His hands run adoringly over your naked body, his touch like that of a ghosts. It reminds you of the way you’d been with the paintings the first time you met. 

He slips out of you and quickly fixes his pants. When you finally have the strength to stand up you see he’s sat back down and is watching his cum slide down your thigh with rapt attention. His eyes follow your index finger as it scoops some up and you lick it off.  A groan escapes his lips as his eyes flutter shut. You smile innocently at him as he scoops your robe of the floor and holds it open for you to slip into it. When your back turns to him he wraps his arms around your waist and kisses your head softly. 

“You know I was serious about what I said. I’ll fucking end anyone that ever tries to take you from me.” he murmurs against the crown of your head. You snuggle back into his protective embrace. A smile plays at yours lips as you turn in his arms.

“I know.”

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Collecting starfish and trying to make a difference 

Years ago I read a story about starfish. Basically, a woman comes across hundreds of starfish that were washed into the sand. So one by one, she begins throwing them back in the sea. While doing that, someone walks by and questions why she’s trying to save the starfish if they’re gonna get washed up again at some point. 

What difference does it make?, the passerby asks. 

For that one starfish I just threw in the sea, it means everything, says the woman.

I don’t know why but that story always stuck to me. When people ask what I want to do in life, I say that I want to help people. When I think about helping people, I think about the starfish story. A little goes a long way. I won’t be able to save the world or make a huge impact on a community but at least I can do something for one person. And for that one person, it makes a difference.

I don’t want to be a hero, I just want to be there for someone who needs a shoulder to lean on. I won’t make waves, but at least I can create ripples.

Pearl, Marianne, Fran, and Mike are visiting the camp for a much needed break after everything going on at Hollywood University. Coincidentally, the beach is full of starfish seashells so Isabelle and I arranged a seashell event. Since the universe tends to work in strange ways - at least according to the way I see it - I think it’s a sign.

For almost five years Jamie had been building an entourage of actors, writers, musicians, and other media professionals who are affiliated with the Hollywood University - Peace Coast campus. A bunch of friends like Ally-Nicole Sinead, Celinda Sharma, Vincent Yang, Lenie Langbrook, Quentin Toledo, Arabeth Liao, the Kayode triplets, the Sala cousins, Pearl, Marianne, Fran, and Mike - and tons of others - were part of that group. 

What makes Jamie’s entourage stick out from other entourages in the university is how diverse it was. The other entourages are predominantly white, straight, and able bodied, which says a lot about the culture of the campus. The university as a whole prides itself for being inclusive, but is it really? 

Don’t get me wrong, the university did make some strides in terms of diversity and inclusion when it first started out - particularly in terms of the LGBT community. But as it began to grow, it began following the money and sidelined the voices that they once aimed to amplify. That, along with various missteps involving the treatment of various POC figures is what caused people like Jamie and Pearl to become disillusioned with the university.

It’s such a shame, especially when you’ve got a bunch of talented people who are constantly ignored in favor of someone mediocre because of their ethnicity/background/sexual orientation, etc. There’s also blatant favoritism, which sucks as well. 

Technically Jamie’s entourage isn’t really an established thing anymore as it hasn’t been active in over a year. But others still refer to it as such because everyone still hangs out together, even after they’ve moved on. So even though the entourage has disbanded, it doesn’t seem like it. That says a lot about the community Jamie built with her entourage.

Pearl and the others joined the entourage about three years ago. That was shortly before things really started to change so their experiences have been a mixed bag. On one hand, they got to meet a bunch of cool people and experience great opportunities but at the same time have to deal with the university’s bullshit regarding their performative activism.

While criticism of how the university pats itself on the back for being so diverse has been going on for years, shutting down the Hollywood U/Starlight Theatre program is what caused things to blow up. Starlight Theatre is run and owned by a black Asian woman and most of the performers happen to be POC and/or LGBT as well as most of the people in the program.

The university claims that budget issues is what prompted them to shut down the program as they felt they could use that money for other resources that better fit the university’s vision. Enrollment in the program has reportedly dropped, which Pearl says is not entirely true. While the cohort has gotten smaller, it’s important to note that in recent years, most of the staff and students are white. 

So it’s no surprise that most of the entourage has left the university over the past two years. Considering how many of our friends have been screwed over, I don’t blame them for leaving. 

The amount of bullshit from the university is far too long to list off so I’ll only mention a few big ones. Shutting down the theatre program’s a big thing as Pearl and Marianne are part of the faculty. And before that they were severely underpaid and under credited as well as ignored over their white colleagues. Marianne had resigned last semester on a sour note after getting fed up with the higher ups. Pearl was tired of their shit too but chose to stick around because she wanted to make a difference and the students loved her.

Three West End and Starlight actors who were in Jamie’s entourage - Mariah Huang, Killian Bhandari, and Hayden Pettinelli - have been outspoken about their mixed experiences with the university and the theatre program. You have three professional actors being underpaid and ignored as well as being told flat out that they were hired so the faculty looked more diverse. They also had to deal with microaggressions from colleagues as well as poor communication with the higher ups. With the entourage being disbanded, they left the program shortly after.

Jenny, Clarry, and Lyndi have said that their college experience has been mixed. While all three have received great opportunities for their futures, they feel like they have to work at least three times harder than their white peers. Lenie and Rika feel the same, and as both are half white, they have their own issues with how they’re treated. Quentin Toledo, Tiffani Monaco, Adrie Castalucci, and Vincent Yang have issues about accessibility accommodations as the university has been less than accommodating to those who need it. Ally-Nicole Sinead, Beatrice Sala, Arabeth Liao, Celinda Sharma - and many other WOC - have criticized the misogyny that runs rampant in the university. Steven Fischer and Mike Shafir are among many who have spoken out about antisemitism. Fran Raleigh, Elliott Marchand, Maura Zeigler, Colleen Anantha, and countless others called out the university for homophobia and transphobia. And the list goes on and on.

At some point these people have been called ungrateful for criticizing the university and equate it to biting the hand that feeds you. Well, most of these people are already successful on their own and the reason why they came was to make a difference. While the university initially had good intentions, it’s clear where they stand in the long run. While they have made strides in terms of diversity and representation, the last few years feels like a backwards slide. 

They say that attendance has gone down in certain groups and I wonder why. Could it be that a lot of people don’t want to be involved in a place that underpays them, treats them like shit, force them to deal with those who only want to work with them for woke points, and not be given the credit they rightfully deserve?

So what’s the big deal?, some may ask. Why is representation and diversity so important? Well, to answer in the most simplest terms, it’s because we exist. We deserve to be heard and for our stories to be told. We are not stereotypes or caricatures, we are people. And just giving more roles to POC, LGBT, and/or disabled actors isn’t going to solve everything. The whole entertainment industry has its issues so giving people jobs for the sake of diversity won’t fix things, especially if we continue to be undermined and fucked over.

The reason why people like Jamie, Pearl, Marianne, Fran, and Mike stuck around for so long  - because they wanted to help others, to provide opportunities for them to shine. In a way, it’s kinda like trying to singlehandedly throw hundreds of starfish back in the sea with their own hands. 

Some may say it’s futile and there’s no point because it is what it is. But why does it have to be that way? If the current system is bullshit, why not take it apart and build a much better one? You don’t have to put on a grand gesture to make a difference. You might not be able to save the world, but you can save someone’s world. And that will cause a ripple effect that will spread into small victories.

[monolid-monologues]

Wtf is going on - Part I.

#12.

READY OR NOT..............

The next three weeks feel impossible. 

My KNEES are KNOCKING.

TOO MUCH IS HAPPENING

Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m losing my mind lol. I’m going to take myself through this week by week. Breaking up my next 3 blog posts into a Three part series, and i’m going to slowly tread wtf is going on.

1.) MY JOB, MY LIFE

Karina and i drove LA >> Oakland >> LA in one day to audition for 5 minutes. LoL. We’re crazy and we know that. The troubling fact is this job means quitting my current one and moving to Oakland.

In February at the festival in Oregon, we were invited to audition for Kaiser Permanente’s Educational Theatre. They employ actors to perform shows for kids.

It pays more than my current job. It is less stable than my current job.

I’m TERRIFIED of having *that* conversation with my dad, and my office.

Desperate to avoid a serving job (having worked them since i was 16), i approached my dad for a job at his company. He knows about me and theater. He knew to be cautious. He asked me commit 2 years. I promised my dad 2 years; it’s only been 6 months. There’s a voice in my head chiding me for even considering this new opportunity.

And part of me is very very resistant to the reality of this new opportunity. Moving to Oakland means moving away from Robin, from Heather, from my studio, from all the work i’ve been doing in L.A to lay down some roots. Working full time at a corporate theater. Suffering bay area rent. Potentially losing my dad’s support (he is helping me with car and insurance payments). And pouring so much time into someone else’s theater. And potentially neglecting my own dreams -- risk of being too burnt, busy and broke to manifest my own theater projects. Not to mention all my fears around the importance of artistic freedom to me and needing to comply with a higher authority for paycheck’s sake (literal nightmare). And i just, might, very well, possibly, end up hating the job. 

I fear breaking my promise. Going back on my word. Owning up to the fact that i am not the loyal bitch we hoped i was. I fear these feelings of betrayal. I fear upsetting my dad and losing his support. I fear the disrespect i am slamming on my director & cecillia’s time and energy and trust in me. I fear that there is no “good” decision, but i can see Regret sitting atop my worst case scenario and i’m afraid that it doesn’t even really matter how things go, whether i stay or go, it’s all a sticky situation. 

If i get the job, but don’t go, i am still at the office. Sitting. So much sitting............clutching my small studio time like the life jacket it is...

If i get the job and want go, well, fuck, that’s a lot of, fuck. Can i put my independent theater dreams on hold? Is this experience worth pursuing? Is it worth upsetting my entire life here? Wow. Since when did i get so attached to my life here? I’ve worked so hard since i’ve been here, to seek, and seek, and plan, and build. I’ve been planning for my life here in L.A. I NeVER imagined relocating this soon. Turning my life upside down when i’ve literally JUST managed to get it looking right-side-up. f$&%@#$!

OKAY Normally, i’d wait to see if i got called back to start worrying. But this opportunity requiring 600 mile drives, requiring me and karina to rearrange chunks of our lives, to even be considered for the job, makes every step in the audition process so costly o_o.  We’re asking ourselves “if we do get called back, how are we even going to get there?”  We’re investing and sacrificing for a huge Maybe. Even pursuing the possibility is TOO MUCH!!!! yet here we are. Why? Why am i this crazy about a maybe?

L.A.’S BEEN GROWING ON ME. AND I MIGHT NOT GET THE JOB. LET’S KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID -- 

Tomorrow, we will find out if we’re called back. If we’re called back, the one thing i need to do (the scariest fkn thing ok) is ask for another day off (to secretly attend). If god blesses me with a Yes and my director is NOT fed up with my bullshit, the next thing is figuring out how tf to get there.  And that’s it. That’s it. That’s it. For now.

* * *

An interlude.)

What changes when i decide i’m tired of doubting myself? Staying off social media is a great relief. I stepped back because i was starting to carry some duty to entertain or cater to the tastes of the people who engage with what i post. The anxiety that begins to stir between myself and thoughts of people far away -- with heavy social media comes this baggage we pick up and hold nearly voluntarily. 

Just as we are curious how someone else’s life is going, we imagine other people are curious about ours. 

We second-guess what we want to post.  When it’s about what we want to share in the first place. How anybody receives it is their business. Leave them tf ALONE, LOL. Leave YOURSELF alone!

If it’s your career, you chase one of few formulas. If it’s your hobby, you draw from these formulas and mix in your personal flavor of “idgaf”. And if it’s mostly irrelevant to what you do/what you want, you’re not even bothered. *shrug* 

Every fuckin body will tell you, people who don’t frequent social media are happier. 

Do you think so? Do we think so?  I’m skeptical.  It’s easy to believe, given how much (admit it) time and attention social media sucks. But actually? Let’s be clear: who can know? Lol. The very point around people who don’t use social media is they are beyond the reach of our prying eyes. They are safe, much less susceptible to the wandering imagination of a distant relationship. They are out of bounds. 

Sometimes i wish i was that kind of person. Whoever that means.

I’m not. 

There’s something about getting to show something to hundreds of people. There’s something about connections waiting to be made. Paths that could cross. Click-holes where we lean outside of our usual environments. We are open to exposure and being exposed. We are creative with our public image. We narrate our own lives. We seek others’. ThaT PART. That part. “I will engage!!!!!!!!!!” 

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with social media?

What does that look like?

There’s so much in our culture that discourages social media use - from mental health to physical health - we are told every day what the pitfalls are. We know it ourselves in living our lives. The common denominator to these warnings is usually over-consumption. Too much. Much too much.

If we are using social media, we are at risk. We know the risks. We live with the risks. ALAS -  we believe we can manage the time/space distortion that the social media universe rips into our lives. 

With social media comes this massive gravitational pull sucking us into a manufactured world. This tech, as far as i’m concerned, insanely complicates our lives - adding data to bodies, instant X long distance everything, and a level of productivity concerning online metrics that is often inversely proportional to our productivity offline. 

The most estranged relationships continue to fizzle quietly with mutual following. Our brains buzz “To post or not to post”. And our eyes are getting tired, our thumbs sore; our time and attention sinks and slips away from us. Like retribution for the discontent, disinterest, and laziness we risk habituating with social media.

We give access and have access and the ride is crippling or energizing depending on whatever people or time in your life. 

Do the rewards outweigh the risks?

* * *

II. SHOWTIME

IT’S GO TIME.

While i’m floundering in the dark about my job, my life, March is ending soon and come April comes the premiere and one-month-run of my new production, 1-800-PERFECTION. 

This is my first show in socal. My first show outside of Davis. My first full solo work. My first script-based PLAY in YEARS.

March Timeline:

meeting with studio manager to settle performance dates (today)

last full rehearsal (3/24 SAT)

tech rehearsal with Heather (3/30 SAT)

preview performance w/ talk back (3/31 SUN) YOU’RE INVITED. rose.artrat@gmail.com | please come! TIME: 1-3pm LOCATION: 1183 Kraemer Blvd, Anaheim, CA

April Timeline:

Dress Rehearsal  (week 1, TBD)

1st Show (week 2, TBD)

2nd show (week 3, TBD)

3rd Show (week 4, TBD) Tickets: $12 venmo  (seat reserved) or $10 cash at door (exact change!!!)

My radical marketing plan is to do it in person.  I wanna shit my pants thinking about it, but i’m determined to go out there into public places and invite people to my show face 2 face. I will certainly let you know how it goes. The experience may turn up a giant dumpster fire. :-)

Common questions when opening a new work include: what if ppl hate it? what if i hate it? what if no one comes? what if this is the end of my reputation as an artist as we know it? as i know it? what if i’m not ready? 

What if i didn’t rehearse enough? THIS ONE’S BEEN HAUNTING ME.

My best friend asks me how long i’ve been working on this play. I tell her i can afford 20 hours of studio time a month. It’s been almost 4 months now. And then she’s like, isn’t 20 hours...less than a day?  *brain explodes* Have i only worked on my show for LESS THAN 4 DAYS? IS IT LIKE THAT? 

It has been living, growing, changing with me day to day. But of course, 20 hours is really it of dedicated work time/space. 5 hours a week. 

I am used to working 30 hours per weeeeeek on a show.  that’s what i’m used to.

....................................................

I remember when i first found this studio offering exactly what i was looking for and could afford, i was ELATED to get 20 hours a month. Considering the ZERO work i was doing my first 2 months back in LA -- Getting 1 step closer to where i would be today - on the cusp of running a whole original ass show - was mooooreee than enough. 

But this is honestly one worry out of SO MANY, literally so many, that it’s all looking - sounding - and feeling increasingly ridiculous. because there’s just so much. *laugh cry emoji* * * * I’m never going to forget what i signed up for. Everything on my plate, i set up for myself.

Was i ready for all of this? No. Did i dream this up and seek its fruition? Hell yes. Even i know that only time will tell me What was What.  So, i will take it one fkn day at a time.

Maybe this is a lesson to follow your dreams no matter what, precisely BECAUSE you’ll never be ready for it. I can’t imagine being ready for what i’m going through these days. There’s no fucking way i could’ve known how stickyyyy things could get when i made my first studio payment in December, or asked my dad for a job in October.

But go through with it, we will, because we’ve reached the point where we must. I’m. Not. Looking. Back.

BUT I AM REALLY TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF MY HEALTH WHILE I’M WHIZZING ACROSS THE STATE AND PREPARING ALL THE SHOW THINGS. WISH ME SOME HONEST LUCK ON THAT.

So, I don’t have a dramatic poignant closer for you on this one. Let’s, uh, give that to Part 3, when we wrap this whole mess up. (ie. is Oakland rlly happening? how was canvassing the brea mall to advertise my show LMAO? did i lose my damn mind, or nah?)

Hi.  I just want to say, thank you for reading. Really. thank you.

I think my writing is suffering from the craziness atm.

* * *

i’ve committed to being vulnerable in writing every week.

previous letter: #11. detox,

drop me a line

http://monolid-monologues.tumblr.com/ask

[uwugenides]

FACT FOR EACH STAR GO GO GO !!!!!!!!!! :D

⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️When I was little I dropped a can in the garbage on accident and my brother made me crawl in the trash can to get it back out and put it in the right thing.⭐️I have right duane's syndrome. It's a birth defect that makes it so I can't turn my right eye outwards, it stops in the middle and I see double when I try to do it.⭐️I once fell through bleachers from the very top, falling straight down, twenty(20) ft, and I hit five cross bars on my way to the ground. My life did flash before my eyes.⭐️Growing up I wanted to be the first female president. Now I'm a trans man and I hate the government.⭐️I always wanted a husky (I was a wolf and tiger kid) and I got one two years ago and I love her. Her name is Ember.⭐️uhhhhh,,,,,,,, I'm autistic, well specifically I have aspergers⭐️I think you gave me too many stars ⭐️I love space but if I think about the laws of time and space I get too existential and dissociate for hours⭐️I'm having trouble thinking up new facts. F u my friend⭐️I've never been in a play or musical where I didn't have a speaking part⭐️In theatre I played this kid who is two feet taller than me and has non-stop freckled' older brother, so that was fun⭐️How am I supposed to do this without feeling self-centered??? Is that a fact?⭐️I always start writing stories and never finish them.⭐️I have some fucked yo dreams that I will never tell to a single person⭐️Moana is my favorite animated movie, only second to Road to El Dorado⭐️I type like this n lke this n vvvv much like this,,,⭐️I'm watching America's Got Talent right now and it always manages to restore my faith in humanity⭐️also the dancing pumpkin man from that old meme is on America's Got Talent and I love him⭐️I feel so small and then I feel so big and it is weird⭐️I love anyone who messages me, any message or ask. Even hate stuff, like thamknyoi, you took the time to think about me, even if its death wishes, you thought about me⭐️I love doing scary makeup⭐️fucked up shit and horror is my thing, but I can't watch horror movies alone⭐️I used to be really into werewolves and stuff when I first got on the internet and I guess you couldve considered me a furry⭐️I'm in love with my boyfriend⭐️did I mention I love my boyfriend⭐️that doctor who band that was called like Chameleon something??? Idk but they made really good songs. Check them out you guys⭐️COMEDY IS GREAT, FUNNY PEOPLE CAN FUCK ME UP⭐️I'm into dark comedy, but not insensitive comedy. Your racist jokes aren't funny, Barbara.⭐️I love tamale pie. If you haven't had tamale pie you need to have it.⭐️tamale pie and cornbread are the best⭐️sushi is really good⭐️my old choir teacher sang opera and was professionally trained in it.⭐️we had a karaoke day once and he sang karaoke opera for everyone. I'm p sure it was Italian too⭐️we had three foreign exchange students last year at my old school, one from South Korea, one from Finland, and one from Switzerland.⭐️a kid from my school spent part of her year as a foreign exchange student in Spain and when she came back she brought three girls from Spain with her and they cursed a lot⭐️I feel guilty about practically everything I've ever done in my life⭐️SO MANY STARS⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️the Ghostbusters reboot is a very good movie⭐️I want to go to COS (college of the siskiyous) and then transfer to SOU (Southern Oregon University) so hey, hit me up⭐️one is the loneliest number that you ever did see⭐️I'm sad 24/7 but sometimes that sadness comes across as comedy and that the only reason people like me⭐️I'm a minor⭐️I'm hot as fuck, get on my level twunk⭐️I hate terfs⭐️I want to be so rich that if I wanted to I could pay for everyone in the entire North America and South America to have enough food for three square meals a day⭐️i own a hat that says "black lives matter" and I've gotten ripped off my head more than once while riding my bus home⭐️I have a slight hitchhikers thumb⭐️I was born with brown hair but by the time I was two months old my hair was white⭐️I have owned four(4) rats, two(2) rabbits, seven(7) cats, two(2) guinea pigs, five(5) dogs, and one(1) hamster named Eddie.⭐️I am a self-taught horse-rider⭐️I have been to two(2) rodeos.⭐️I have asthma⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️so I love my boyfriend⭐️I chew on ice⭐️I order snow cones without any flavoring⭐️snow cones without any flavoring are cheaper⭐️SO MANY STARS⭐️I could've gotten more asks by now and I wouldn't know because I'm answering your stars⭐️I cry too easily⭐️I pass surprisingly well for being a trans guy who has not started T⭐️my family once sat at the dinner table on thanksgiving talking about how my mom had the right to hit me and I would not be allowed to defend myself⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I didn't know my dad was alive for the first twelve years of my life aside from the fact that we got the occasional eleven(11) dollar child support⭐️I love dogs⭐️I love cats ⭐️I love birds⭐️I love lizards⭐️I love snakes⭐️I love rats⭐️I love mice⭐️I love fish⭐️that guy on YouTube, Coyote Peterson is my goals as a person. If I could just live as a guy who goes around and finds wildlife I would never ask for another thing in my life⭐️I've recently started playing Pokémon Go again. It's fun⭐️my first Pokémon was a pikachu⭐️I've already traded my first Pokémon for more candies because I'm vain and want to be the very best⭐️I used to be a compulsive liars and would spend hours at night crying because I thought I was a horrible person for it. I was seven(7) at the time.⭐️I'm a trans⭐️koala bears are actively not helping themselves stay alive, not a fact about me, just a fact I like.⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I just got a new kitten named Periwinkle Blue⭐️if I die before I travel to at least one(1) foreign country I will have died a sad man⭐️my great grandpa was Jewish and I carry a lot of that culture and its traditions down with me, despite not actually considering myself part of the religion.⭐️I'm a descendant of the Karuk tribe which is located in Northern California. I speak very little Karuk but it's a very pretty language!⭐️I'm also Irish, German, and as mentioned above (or alluded to at least) Hebrew.⭐️I'm white passing as far as my Native American roots go, and trust me, it is awkward being the whitest person at the tribal meetings.⭐️my birthname was the same name my great grandmother had, but is spelt in the newer form, not the Hebrew translated English form.⭐️I live in a very country oriented town. Everyone owns a cow. Or a pig. I almost owned a pig once.⭐️a lot of people say I'm not actually a trans guy because I was too much of an outstanding girl⭐️my insurance won't cover my top surgery⭐️I work as a dishwasher and it sucks ass⭐️I want to quit my job⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I went vegetarian for two weeks and then caved for a bag of salami someone left on the counter⭐️I drink at least one(1) Pepsi zero a day⭐️the first website I ever roleplayed on was QuoteV.com⭐️my mom just brought me a Fitbit that she got for me. What does this mean?⭐️I'm technically overweight yet look like the average "healthy" body.⭐️I have Mono⭐️I had lice in second(2) grade and lost many of my beloved stuffed animals because of that⭐️because of trauma I regress on occasion and my YouTube watch history is always interesting when that happens.⭐️I have extremely bad anxiety and don't even realize it half the time⭐️Jimmy Fallon is better than Jimmy Kimmel⭐️I once played a union soldier in a civil war reenactment held by a traveling group of reenactors and trust me, they do not mess around. If you've ever been in something like that you know that they are practically in character 24/7⭐️I love little kids but feel like I'm horrible with babies⭐️I fear I'll be a horrible parent and make my child feel the way my mom makes me feel⭐️I tried to get myself emancipated once and sadly failed as I'd gone through with a Or of the process before someone told me I wasn't old enough yet.⭐️stars are dying balls of gas⭐️I love my boyfriend ⭐️ SO MANY FUCKING STARS JESUS HAROLD CHRIST⭐️The H in Jesus H Christ stands for Harold, I looked it up once.⭐️I don't kinkshame but people should be a bit more conscious of what they do in general public access places.⭐️I've been in two(2) abusive relationships⭐️I take a lot of meds⭐️I might start T this year or next year⭐️I want top surgery before I graduate high school or the summer before I go to college⭐️I relate to Tony Stark as a person way to much⭐️I hate when the Hulk is only Hulk and never Bruce Banner⭐️I'm pretty self-confident most the time⭐️I've brought a blanket with me to school on more than one(1) occasion.⭐️I'm naturally a night owl and sleep better when sleeping during the day⭐️I take commissions for my art and you should commission me.⭐️currently I own three(3) dogs and two(2) cats. Mattie, the German shorthair mix, Ember the Alaskan/Siberian husky mix, and Memphis the purebred Doberman pinscher. One(1) adult cat named Freckles and one(1) kitten named Periwinkle Blue.⭐️I love video games.⭐️I love theories. Let's talk theories all day. Any theory, let's talk.⭐️I love talking about sociology and social expectations that aren't realized.⭐️I love collecting odd knick-knacks. I have many weird artifacts around my room, gathered by me or my yard-sale enthusiast grandpa.⭐️I hate Donald Drumpf.⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I hope my boyfriend loves me⭐️the best animated characters to ever exist are Jesse, James, and Meowth from Pokemon.⭐️I'm taking PE independently at my new school⭐️I love singing and acting but I worry that I'm the person that is really bad at it and no one will tell me⭐️I also love doing special effects makeup⭐️sculpting is great fun⭐️I'll be going to the San Francisco comic con this September so if you're there come see me⭐️I'm going to be Dipper for comic con and my boyfriend is going to be Bill Cipher⭐️Arya from Game of Thrones is the best young actress I've ever seen⭐️then again she's not actually that young⭐️I once got stung by a scorpion while being inside my own home on my own bed⭐️till I was like seven(7) I had to share a room with my mom because we didn't have a house big enough for me to sleep anywhere else⭐️my dog Mattie's fullname is Calamity Anastasia Strelow⭐️at the school I used to attend a kid dressed up as a "tr*nny" for Halloween and wasn't told to take off his costume till someone who wasn't trans and out at the school complained and that took me begging my friend.⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I'm Bigfoot and my boyfriend is Mothman⭐️Atomic Blond looks like a really good movie⭐️my first(1) two(2) rats were named Loulou and Pepper⭐️my rabbits were Midnight and Petals.⭐️my hamster was a Russian dwarf hamster and he ended up being eaten by my cat Bobby Joe who was eaten by a mountain lion from the local area⭐️a bear has been seen on my old elementary school's campus five(5) times in my lifetime⭐️wolves were once seen by the only starbucks in my town which was only opened up last year⭐️I live in a major gold mining area and I5 runs right through the town next to mine which is practically where I live⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I've had a full body massage once(1) in my life and let me tell you, you haven't lived till you've had your butt massaged⭐️I've taken like three(3) different classes for martial arts and never really followed through with any of them⭐️I've only been bitten by one dog in my entire life and it was completely my fault⭐️this post is too long Jesus fuck⭐️why⭐️the emoji movie doesn't actually look that bad in my opinion⭐️Despicable Me3(three) was actually a really good movie.⭐️I hate bad acting but I respect the effort⭐️every sibling I have is a half-sibling⭐️I'm a horrible person⭐️but I'm also the only good person alive aside from my friends and boyfriend so I'm conflicted ⭐️The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo is a must see by anyone who considers them self part of the LGBTQ+ community⭐️I don't consider queer a slur personally but I understand the history of it and I never have and never will use it to describe someone or a group of people without their explicit permission⭐️before I came out as a trans guy I thought I was gebderfluid⭐️Chase Ross is an awesome guy⭐️I feel like I look like Ronan from The Raven Cycle with my new haircut, but I always pictured him with a darker complexion so idk⭐️I hate Caitlin Jenner as a person, but not for her gender identity in and of itself.⭐️my phone is getting very warm⭐️these stars are horribly shaded⭐️I love being trans and don't regret it at all⭐️my husky is probably my favorite dog so far⭐️TOO MANY STARS⭐️I don't know anythinh⭐️I'm actually a robot and this is all a lie⭐️I want to be a popular blogger or like a YouTube or something but hhhhnnnnnggg⭐️I'm really into literature and English and history and everything about all of that⭐️I made my signature while scribbling and realized a particular scribble looked like my initials⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I watch too many shows ⭐️I want to be a teacher kind of⭐️I want a better job⭐️I want to be who I see in the mirror when I've got all thecright clothes on and I'm feeling confident ⭐️I want to be a better person⭐️I want to be amazing⭐️I want to be a good human being⭐️I want to be special⭐️I want to be good enough⭐️I want to be happy⭐️I want to be healthy⭐️I want to be happy with who I am⭐️I want to be me⭐️I want to be cool⭐️I want to realize that I can be all this things if I just let myself⭐️I want to kiss John Boyega⭐️I want to hug Chris Pratt⭐️I want to smile the way I smile when I see my boyfriend⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I want more scars⭐️I want to be more adventurous⭐️I want to be a great person⭐️I want to live a good life⭐️I want Drumpf to resign⭐️I want to be famous⭐️I want to be immortal for all the good and bad it brings⭐️I want to be good⭐️I want to be happy⭐️I want this to end⭐️I love my boyfriend

[transheadcrab]

OKay im not gonna @ the person here bc im not trying to start shit but theres a post going around in the tumblr theatre circles (the most frightening place to be) thats basically saying “h*milton and cats have had 0% in ticket sales!!! professional recordings are hurting the theatre industry!!!!” and like holy SHIT!!!! more under the cut bc im PISSED OFF but the too long didnt read is:

TLDR: ive literally been entrenched in this industry since i was six and have made a name for myself locally as a playwright in the past 3 years, and i support recordings one hundred percent, and i think they should be more commonplace so we don’t have to just see whats on broadway/west end, and honestly? if theres not a recording available, bootleg it, fuck it. restricting theatrical access (especially NOW, as a reminder, we are IN A PANDEMIC) is harmful, its shortsighted, it’s literally fiscal gatekeeping, and if u love theatre sooooo much, you’d give a shit and actually want people to see shows in any way they can. 

are yall SERIOUS......... like just say you dont want poor people to enjoy themselves and go. “hurt business”??? like...... who do u think ? is getting the money? from professional recordings? ya a cut is gonna go to the recording company but also it’s going to the performers, producers, directors, design, crew, etc. etc. etc.

also- atm, the only productions getting professional recordings are those on the West End and Broadway. like thats a multi million dollar business. there’s a really romantic notion of the starving theatrical artist making it Big On Broadway ! but thats literally like. just a romantic notion. more often than not ppl aren’t getting their big breaks on broadway, they’re 1) lucky 2) privileged 3) networkers. that’s. literally how you get jobs in this industry. those big broadway names are in the NYU/Actor’s Studio Pipeline. just because TICKET SALES are down (also, perhaps, due to the pandemic happening rn? or did we forget that) doesn’t mean that the people working on productions GETTING THOSE RECORDINGS are actually fiscally hurting. if anything, they’re lining their pockets because poor and working class people can actually see shit now, and more people watching --> more money.

listen. i get where youre coming from. i really really do. theatre is a fun exclusive club for the ultra rich or for the eccentrics going to the local theatre every weekend. its not -appreciated- by -commoners-. but literally PLEASE use critical thinking. can i be real w you? like super real? i don’t know one theatre person in my local industry who wasnt originally inspired to do theatre BECAUSE of a movie musical. no, mummy and daddy didn’t take me out to the opera in my spatz and jewel-encrusted cane. i got sat down in front of the TV falling in love with velma kelly in the 2002 movie version of Chicago. thats how i knew i wanted to be in the theatre. and literally every industry professional i know has a similar awakening.

and tbqh? if a bootleg or a recording honestly kills a production???? sucks, but it was probably on the way out anyway. to restrict, and gatekeep, and play keep-away with our Super Duper Special artform, is at best shortsighted, and at worst, actively harmful to the livelihood of theatre moving forward. like. im getting my degree in this right now. im applying to go to graduate school for theatrical analysis, criticism and dramaturgy. i know what im about, and im saying, absolutely record professionally, because people are gonna make bootlegs anyway, and there’s a special kind of cruelty inherent to making the traditionally “lower class” art form/entertainment theatre is only available to the bourgeois. thanks.

[theseventhhex]

Sextile Interview

Eddie Wuebben, Melissa Scaduto & Brady Keehn

After hunkering down in a basement in Echo Park to record for a couple weeks, Sextile is back with their sophomore LP, ‘Albeit Living’. The album is a testament to the band’s growth in the songwriting department and effort spent fine-tuning their burgeoning compositional skills: the synth is in the forefront on this album, allowing it to shine through more powerfully than we saw on ‘A Thousand Hands’. Despite its more sophisticated sound, the album manages to match and even intensify the seductive energy of their live shows and debut album. The ten-song LP is a strong statement as a follow-up to their primitive debut, and while it re-defines Sextile’s sound, the real impact the album has is the way it decisively breaks the rules and guidelines set out by conventional genres and strives to create something truly unique and genre-altering… We talk to Brady Keehn about playing basketball, Elon Musk and crazy conspiracy theories…

TSH: Talk us through your intentions as 'Albeit Living' was coming together...

Brady: We had a very focused approach this time around as we were aiming for a record that was more accessible. I guess our approach consisted of a mix in having a seamless energy and also an intentional energy. I feel the seamless factor was in relation to the fact that our lives have become more positive and things are moving in an optimistic direction for each member. Also, we were being thrown into the goth category and that's not something we want to define us, we wanted to be more independent from that - a bit more punk. In the end, it was just nice to utilise the synthesiser more on this record and to have a range of sounds covered.

TSH: What's impacted you most as a songwriter since the last release?

Brady: The madness in the world and how freaking uncomfortable everyone is today! I see a lot of my friends struggling with finances too. You know, all my friends are trying to find solace, which definitely seeps into the lyrics. I guess my songwriting is mainly about the confusion of what is today? I don't understand what's going on. I especially don't understand how our country is so fucked up with a host of serious issues.

TSH: Did you feel compelled to tackle the economical and political climates?

Brady: Absolutely. I felt like as an artist I couldn't be quiet anymore, especially in this day and age. I see bands often that just sit by at the wayside and let the politics of today slide away, but now is not the time to be shy. Given the nature of the political theatre of today, you simply cannot pretend its not happening. Most people tend to write about their relationships, I'm sure relationships are inside my lyrics too, but I can't sit by and pretend that all I'm dealing with is emotional relationships and my relationships with human beings because now it's on a larger scale. There is a large scale of things to be worried about, as opposed to extraneous stuff that I have no control over. You know, maybe I can try to provoke something and make people more aware with our music. I have a platform I can use and it would be nice to use it for the better of mankind.

TSH: Does 'Sterilized' tie in with your frustrations?

Brady: Yeah, totally. 'Sterilized' is very much a commentary on social stuff and being thrown all of this misinformation in the media. Sometimes I felt like being sterilized so I can take all of this bullshit away and out of me.

TSH: What are the origins of 'Floored'?

Brady: 'Floored' came about when we were at a soundcheck at a show one day. Eddie started playing this bassline and we were so impressed that we ended up recording it on stage whilst we were soundchecking! When it came down to record it on the album we re-recorded the bassline to make it more bouncy. Melissa came up with the guitar parts right on the spot and I added the vocals. It was so organic the way it all came about and it's the only song on the record that was originally a demo.

TSH: Was 'AVC' the obvious choice to bookend the record?

Brady: 'AVC' wasn't even going to be a Sextile song initially. That song was something I had been working on by myself since I was looking to do a different project other than Sextile - something more in the vein of electronic music. Anyhow, when we were recording the record, we had nine songs and 'AVC' was just lying around. I mentioned that I'd really like for it to be on the record and the rest of the band was really into it. When I look at this track now, it just seems like a natural progression for Sextile and I don't even know why I thought about another project when I should be doing this one, haha!

TSH: What's pleased you most in the wake of this album being completed?

Brady: That we completed it, ha! During the course of making a record there are a lot of processes. The recording and songwriting was a challenge and we mixed the record ourselves too. There's a lot of work going into it. I have to mention Melissa's excellent artwork for the record too - she's simply an amazing inspiration to me.

TSH: You've mentioned Melissa is the biggest record nerd and she's taught you everything you know about music. The connection you two have must be so rewarding?

Brady: Absolutely. Melissa is amazing. Every week she brings something new to the table - music I've never heard before. She's a huge influence on me and Eddie, we've both learnt so much from her. Without Melissa, I know for sure that we would not sound the way we do and we definitely would not have the amazing aesthetic that we have. Music is Melissa's passion and she wants to share it with as many people as possible.

TSH: How does the band unwind outside of music?

Brady: We all recently started playing basketball together. We're not really sports people and we really suck at basketball, but we've got a group of people consisting of bands and friends from the community that we play with. We have this huge group that comes out every Monday and Wednesday to play and it's just a nice way to unwind.

TSH: Do you still conjure up your kale, avocado, tomato and turkey burger salad?

Brady: Haha! That dish involves a lot of cooking but I do love it. It's just one of those meals that makes you feel really healthy after eating it. But, yeah, cooking is a nice form of escapism for me too.

TSH: Which truth-speakers and game changers have you been looking into lately?

Brady: I've been really into Elon Musk lately. Elon has just got some great and innovative ideas, plus he wants to change the world rather than capitalise on it. His business models and technologies are very fascinating. From him I've been getting really into neuroscience. The whole band is actually diving deep into quantum mechanics and quantum physics. I feel like today quantum mechanics to artists is the same as what existentialism was to beat writers.

TSH: Do you still tend to come across crazy conspiracy theories?

Brady: Oh, there's this one I recently heard about a secret space program on the dark side of the moon where there's a base where multiple nations of alien races reside and all this other crazy shit. It's crazy because I have friends that have seen the first pictures from Mars ever and they've still not heard of these secret space programs.

TSH: Is social media to blame?

Brady: That's where all this bullshit comes from. It's a platform for so much nonsense these days. I mean even if someone is expressing their opinions online, for all you know, it could just be a 15 year old trolling you and saying the exact opposite to you just to get a rise. I mean it kind of sucks that the online world is just a massive blaming each other type of game.

TSH: The suffering in the world is something you constantly want to bring to light too...

Brady: Yeah, its becoming more a part of my life. You know, like 3 or 4 years ago, I couldn't even pull my own head out of my ass. I couldn't save myself or get my act together. Now that I I have been able to take care of myself and better myself, I'm more present in the world and more aware. I'm seeing the suffering of others and I want to make people aware. I see it all clearly now and it's tragic and heartbreaking. Now that my eyes are open, I'm watching the world and constantly observing. I'm feeling the emotions of people and hearing the stories of suffering makes me want to help in whatever way I can. You have to bring injustices to light. If the world isn't the way you want it to be, you you have to go out there and change it yourself.

TSH: What are key aspects that you hope to maintain with Sextile?

Brady: What I hope to maintain moving ahead is our energy. I want to maintain the energy in the music and mostly we want people to feel the music. I don't want our audience to just stand and look at us, I want them to move. Also, we don't want to be safe anymore. We feel that a lot of the music that we hear today is safe and very reserved. Bands are not willing to push over the edge, but we want to continue to push the boundaries. We're inspired by Melissa's song-form ideas, which will allow us to convey our exciting punk ethos. When people see us onstage, I want them to feel that they can feel they can get up there and do it too. It's all about passing the inspiration and trade-off to other people.

Sextile - “One of These”

Albeit Living