#shit my husband says

[absurdthirst]

Saw this Tik Tok and laughed.

Asked my husband if this is how he felt.

Husband: “nah.”

Me: Well, how many personalities do I have?

Husband: “Just, like, two.”

Me: 🤣🤣 and what are they?

Husband: “Sweet and loving wife.”

Me: aaaaand

Husband: “Total bitch wife.”

Me: 💀💀💀

He isn’t wrong.

[mortalmab]

Me: *explaining what old man yaoi is to my husband*

My husband: oh, I thought it was a name. “There’s Old Man Yaoi again…”

[rudjedet]

Me: Just to confirm, Romans considered trousers barbaric, right?

Hubs: I still consider them barbaric.

Hubs: The only true way to live is like Marcus Antonius.

Me: Cheeks out?

Hubs: Cheeks out.

[hawthornsword]

Went to the renaissance festival this weekend and saw an older gentleman driving around in a scooter in an excellent Geralt costume.

Mr. HawthornSword immediately said, "He looks retired - he must be Geralt of Riviera."

Then, even more delighted with himself, he followed up with, "Oooo, a lesbian dressed as Geralt could be the Butch of Blaviken!"

[matt-the-blind-cinnamon-roll]

My husband and I were discussing Eurovision and

[sandwitchstories]

Hubby (bursts into my office): we got robbed!

Me: Huh?!

Hubby: I was watching the Entertainment District arc again and I realized we got robbed

Me (annoyed but glad it was not an actual robbery): okay. And we were robbed of what?

Hubby: We should have gotten to see an epic battle between the Muscle Mice and Upper 4s eyeball creatures.

And now, I too, feel robbed.

[willowfae82]

so we got my son (13) a phone so that he could get some of his friends numbers. and apparently he only got numbers for two (2) friends, they both happen to be girls. so my husband said to me

can you talk to him and see if he can get numbers for some of the boys in his class. i don't like that he's only got girls numbers.

hubby's reasoning:

the girls are gonna 'friend zone' him. (he literally used the words 'friend zone')

or:

they're gonna 'make him gay/one of the girls.'

or:

he's gonna 'decide he's trans', and then the school is gonna give him hormones. and get him scheduled for 'the surgery'. and that shit (surgery) is permanent, and he'll never be able to have kids.

y'all i don't know what to do. this man has used the anagram MGTOW unironically.

[heartofhubris]

me to @the-realharleyquin : all four reblogs are from me or my mutuals. and that's my mutual (liking the post) and that's my mutual, and that's a follower, and that's a mutual, and that's a- How did I become an mpreg guy?! I'm not getting pregn- fuck i'M impregnanting that old ma- oh shit the window's open

[missroserose]

Brian: I feel better in general when I come to Sculpt regularly, but it sure would be nice if I got that 'feeling good from working out' thing I hear people talking about. Me: You don't feel good about having worked out? Brian: Not really. Me: Not even satisfied? Pleased with yourself? Just a little? Brian: Mostly I feel the lack of a cheeseburger.

[livingmybestfictionallife]

Yesterday, I put three Hershey kisses in my pocket to eat on my drive home. I completely forgot about them (thanks recently diagnosed ADHD) until I got home and Put my hand in my pocket. Melted chocolate was smushed all in my fingers.

My husband took my car to work today and, apparently, at some point yesterday I put my car key in the pocket with the chocolate in it. While at work, I received this:

😂😂😂 He’s been reading a little too much Where the SideWalk Ends to our son.

[nocontexthusband]

"man this is some Jonestown kinda shit."

[absurdthirst]

Changing to go run errands, I hear my husband run down the hall and burst into the room.

Me: What the hell?!?!

Husband: “My nadar was going off! I want to see titties!”

(Nadar = naked radar in my house)

🤣🤣💀

[mortalmab]

Inside you there are two wolves:

One of them is actually a sheep wearing a wolf skin and is terrified that the other wolf is going to discover it

The other is actually three raccoons in a trench-coat inside a wolf suit and they think they are the cleverest fucks on the planet

[rudjedet]

Me: God my hands are so dry

Hubs: Mine aren't exactly wet either

Me: I meant the skin, funnyman

Hubs, touching the back of my hand: Wow holy shit how old ARE you?

Hubs, narrowing his eyes: Do I need to find some fresh virgin blood for you or...

Me: Ehhh I just need to moisturise

Hubs: No seriously so you do need me to find you a virgin

[hawthornsword]

Mr. HawthornSword just used the term "meat bard" as a synonym for chef.

[arieschaos]

Watching a drawfee moments comp video with husband, see the Jacob fursona drawing (still so cool) with Jacobs initials at the top (JBA).

Me: I wonder what his middle name is.. gotta be Brian, right?

Husband: … Bacob

Me: of course. Jacob Bacob Andrews.