#shewhich shitposting

[not-she-which-burns-in-it]

Oh no, I’m back on my Magnus Archives bullshit. So I’m really sorry to whoever follows this blog for the rare meta-drops and writing analysis, because all I’m gonna be reblogging for the next couple weeks is TMA.

But also, the episodes from 2019 talking about the extinction as a new fear trying to be born through a pandemic, and then the end of that season happens and it’s the world ends, and Alex comes on to say “The Magnus Archives season five will return in April 2020” and how did the TMA fandom not genuinely lose their whole minds? How did y’all not scream into the sky? 

The reason I have to come to Tumblr to yell about The Magnus Archives is that currently no one I’m working with has listened to it. For instance:

In the play “Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe” these two prostitutes get into a car with a guy who doesn’t want to have sex with them, but just wants their life stories. He records it, on a tape recorder. And then they monologue very eloquently for like 10 minutes.

So naturally, I was like “you can’t fool me, Jonathan Sims” But no one was around to understand what a good joke that was, my life is so hard. 

[not-she-which-burns-in-it]

I finally FINALLY started listening to the Magnus Protocol this evening.

I took over a MONTH to listen through all of the bonus content, and generally just let my absolute heartbreak and obsession with Jon and Martin ease before diving in to a new cast of characters.

I didn’t wanna repeat of what happened all the way back in 2009, where I resented Matt Smith’s 11th doctor for simply existing and not being David Tennant. I didn’t want to resent the OIAR for not being my beloved Archival team. I spent a MONTH being worried because I like Jonny and Alex as voice actors so much and my ears are very picky. I listened to the whole NineIIMidnight group critiquing the different vocal performances, and how difficult it is to hit the right tone when telling a scary story that doesn’t make me think “you sound bored “or “you sound like you’re doing a commercial this isn’t scary” or “you’re doing a silly voice”. (though the process of critique at least made me feel better that a year and a half away from professional podcast producing has not atrophied my ears) (also many of them were really good I’m not shitting on those other podcasts to be clear). For fucks sake, some of the rusty fears didn’t even hit quite right, depending on who was doing the read that day (I love the cast so much, but not all “statement” voices are created equal).

But I was FINALLY ready today. And even though I’m picky, I trusted and believed that Alex‘s vocal direction, and his and Jonny’s combined writing, and the team’s brilliant sound design would be enough to fill the hole in my heart that the ending of Archives left.

AND THEN GUESS WHOSE VOICE CAME ON FOR THE FIRST STATEMENT sorry INCIDENT

You all know if you’re in these tags. But I didn’t because I wanted to go in fresh.

Thank God, I was driving down the highway where no one could hear me because I started SCREAMING. Surprise? Joy? Indignation? SCREAMING. Just AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AND WHAT STORY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALEX? Oh it’s about missing your dead husband and going to extreme and spooky lengths to get him back. It’s about gay yearning and trauma OK COOL COOL OK OK COOL

ALEX WHEN I CATCH YOU ALEX. ALEX WHEN I CATCH YOU ALEX. ALEX WHEN I CATCH YOU. Or did Jonny write this one? Either way. What if this was my last straw hmmmm? What if I lost my mind because I KNOW Jonny is gonna be the other “frequent” voice, Chester. I knew it as if Beholding airdropped it into my brain.

SO YOU’RE TELLING ME that 1 year ago these two mysterious voices appeared in your computer systems to read *some* incidents. The true ones. AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS. NO IM SCREAMING. JONNY DID YOU INVENT THIS CONCEPT JUST TO HURT ME.

TLDR: I guess I’ll be listening to all of Protocol in time for season 2. 

[not-she-which-burns-in-it]

Goddamn it I made it 100 episodes into The Magnus Archives before realizing that Michael the Lightning person and Michael the Spiral person are in fact different entities. Shit.

Also, yeah, the Magnus Archives is eating my whole brain currently. I’ve never listened to it before .

Why am I so horny for the Archivist? That Voice just does things to me, especially when he’s being a full-blown cunt.

[not-she-which-burns-in-it]

My current theater is next to a Panera.

And today we found it on the ceiling.

The Bread Valve.

We control the bread now.

[not-she-which-burns-in-it]

In a meeting today someone said “ it makes me very sad for _____ as the archivist, he has to deal with all that disorganization”

And I’m so brainrotted from The Magnus Archives that I almost swallowed my tongue. Sir, you can’t just casually drop in a conversation that our organization has a staff Archivist.

I swear to God, I couldn’t even say the word for fear that it would come out of my mouth in a British accent.

Does our Archivist have evil, sexy, compulsion powers?

Is he beset by horrors?

[not-she-which-burns-in-it]

Oh whoops I’m not done talking about this.

So I just finished season four. I have not yet listen to season five, I do not know how The Magnus Archives ends. The MAG 160 twist completely caught me fucking fucking offguard. For anyone who’s read my meta-analysis that I write sometimes, you know I’m pretty media savvy. I have an English degree, I work in the theater, I was a professional fiction podcast producer, I do storytelling for a living basically. And I did not fucking see this coming.

The MAG 159 twist was exactly what I thought. The way Martin played out, the way John’s Ark played out, the way daisies are played out, even Melanie. This was super well written, and all of those season four conclusions made perfect sense for what Johnny has built.

And then MAG 160 slapped me across the face so hard I had to pause the episode and yell “WHAT WHAT HOLD ON WHAT? HOLD THE FUCK ON” for a while in the car.

I hadn’t spent a lot of time doing red string theory, but I was halfway convinced that Elias was prepping Jon to be the next vessel. Because Elias being possessed by Jonah Magnus, was something that I guessed early on in the season. I reasoned that Gertrude being incompatible as a vessel was why she was killed, and that with Jon as the new vessel, Elias could ??? I don’t know, I hadn’t quite thought through what Elias’s endgame might be in that scenario.

I had considered the rituals not working, something along the lines of “there’s no way Gertrude could’ve caught them all” and “wait what do you mean? They were just invented by Robert Smirke?” And then of course, it’s hinted at outright just a couple episodes before. I thought maybe the web, or the eye, or the end, was already preventing any other rituals from happening - like maybe the big reveal was that one of the entities had already manifested, and we as a society just didn’t notice because it’s a horrible dystopian hell world already.

I really didn’t see the apocalypse coming.

Oh no, I’m back on my Magnus Archives bullshit. So I’m really sorry to whoever follows this blog for the rare meta-drops and writing analysis, because all I’m gonna be reblogging for the next couple weeks is TMA.

But also, the episodes from 2019 talking about the extinction as a new fear trying to be born through a pandemic, and then the end of that season happens and it’s the world ends, and Alex comes on to say “The Magnus Archives season five will return in April 2020” and how did the TMA fandom not genuinely lose their whole minds? How did y’all not scream into the sky? 

The reason I have to come to Tumblr to yell about The Magnus Archives is that currently no one I’m working with has listened to it. For instance:

In the play “Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe” these two prostitutes get into a car with a guy who doesn’t want to have sex with them, but just wants their life stories. He records it, on a tape recorder. And then they monologue very eloquently for like 10 minutes.

So naturally, I was like “you can’t fool me, Jonathan Sims” But no one was around to understand what a good joke that was, my life is so hard.