#shes my wife and if you disagree you're just jealous

[esttillie]

TMA au where Helen Distortion runs an actual hotel and we get to see her suffering with customers and business bureaucracy.

[scenteddelusion5]

Yay requests open? If you don't wanna do this it's perfectly fine I understand!

It's an alastor x Fem reader who was his co-host in life

A Single Radio Wave

Alastor x fem co-host reader

Note: I love this idea!!!

Word count: 1977

The Radio Demon's reputation had spread far and wide in hell, yet it never spread beyond this retched place. Everyone in hell knew of the radio host, knew of his broadcasts and they were scared of him. Demons were intrigued and scared by radio's, they were the cursed items of that demon after all.

But up in heaven everyone looked forward to relaxing at home and listening to the old-timey device. After all, the Radio Angel's broadcasts were the hight of most people's already fantastical days. Everyone adored her, she was without a doubt the most loved angel in heaven; kind, sweet, intelligent, funny, witty, looks. She had it all. And yet, her amazing reputation never spread beyond the golden gates. This divide meant that neither one knew what their love was up to in dead. Still, they both looked back on their days together fondly.

It happened when Alastor's last co-host had been in an accident and they were looking for a new hire, that a knock came from the door. William, his intern opened it to reveal a charming young woman.

"Hey, I'm sorry to bother you but do you mind if I wait out the storm inside?" She asked and as if to help her cause, a thunder bolt struck at the top of his tower.

"Come in." Alastor walked up behind William and let the girl in. " We can't let a lovely young woman like you stand outside in the rain. Would you like a cup of joe? William was just making some."

"If I'm not intruding." She took of her drenched coat and sat down in a chair.

"Of course not." William ran off into the small kitchen while the radio host talked to her. "The name is Alastor, it's a pleasure to meet you." He held out his hand.

She shook it. "Y/n, Y/n L/n. And it's a pleasure to meet you too."

After William had left, the two were still talking at the table.

Y/n's eyes looked around the room. "So you're a radio host. How do you find it? Do you like it?"

"It's amazing, my dear. We have a few odd hours and I had to train my voice, but I quite like it." Alastor had been looking the girl up and down. She was very beautiful, had a good voice and they had an entertaining conversation. This Y/n had the potential to become his new co-host. "And what about you?"

"I... Was just fired today. My boss decided that a 'sweeter' face would pull more clients in. It's a dinner, what do my looks matter?!"

"The man sounds like a handful."

"Oh believe me, he is," she sighed.

"Hey," Alastor started, "how would you feel like starting a career as my co-host, the position just opened."

This surprised the woman. Female radio hosts weren't unheard of, however, they weren't at all common. There were also a lot of limitations put on them.

"I would love too but I don't think I would be any hood at it." She took a sip of her cup.

"I'm sure you'll be great." Alastor hyped her up. " How about you come in tomorrow for a practice round and if it suits you, you'll become a permanent employee?"

"You know what? Why not? I'll be here tomorrow." Y/n agreed.

" 7 am sharp starts the broadcast, be here at least half an hour before that. I'll see you tomorrow then, dear?"

"Yes, see you tomorrow."

And that's how Alastor had found his new co-host and future wife.

Not everyone was happy with Alastor's new coworker. Either people disagreed with having a female host all together or they were jealous that SHE was his new 'radio partner' as Alastor calls it. The man was considered a fine bachelor after all and girls all across New Orleans fawned over him.

During the first year of her employment, Y/n and Alastor grew closer and closer. Until one day, he popped the question.

"Y/n, I've known you for a year now and you are by far the most dazzling woman on earth. It would be an honour if you would give me the chance to court you." Alastor stared lovingly into her eyes as they lid up.

"Of course I want you to court me! You really know how to keep a lady waiting." She pulled him by the arm into a big hug.

His face adorned a bashful red hue while he brought his hand to pat her head. He truly was in love and it couldn’t feel better.

It didn't take long for him to pop the question after that and the two shared the news of their engagement to the whole city. Walking through the street, Y/n got a few jealous glares while on her way to her newly shared home.

Alastor was waiting on her in the kitchen making his mother's jambalaya. "And what was my favourite radio host up to?" He asked.

His fiancé, god he loved thinking about how she was HIS now, put a bag on the kitchen table and started rummaging through it. "You know that new shop that opened up down the street? I found this." She held up a little yellow romper.

"Dear, isn't it way too early to shop for baby clothes?" He chuckled picking up the small clothing article. "We aren't even married yet."

"I know Ally." She smiled at the very feminine and cutesy nickname she once called him and then just stuck. "But I'm ready, ready for our own perfect little family."

'Perfect'. Oh if only she knew, she knew what Alastor was up to while he was 'hunting'. But no, he will never show that side to her. He couldn’t imagine the look on her face, the heartbreak... No she was perfect and deserved only happiness and he would give her the world if she asked.

Their wedding was beautiful. Alastor cried seeing his wife in her wedding dress. They celebrated into the night and again when they got home. Alas, their marriage didn’t last for long.

During one of Alastor's 'hunt' in the woods he heard a bunch of dogs approaching. He ran and ran, and then, there was a gunshot.

Everything went white, then black and lastly red. Red? It was a sky. Looking around he saw a city filled with demons, he was in hell. Alastor saw his own reflection in a puddle, he looked different. His pretty dark hair and brown skin was replaced with red and grey, on top of his head stood fuzzy ears and antlers? Looking at his new appearance he wondered if Y/n would like it....

Y/n... Would he ever see her again? Probably not, she was perfect, his love would get into heaven while he was doomed to be away in this hellfire pit. But maybe, just maybe there was a chance she would be cast down too and if that were to happen, he had to made sure he was able to protect her. So, the Radio Demon was born. A demon willing to do anything to gain more power.

Years went by and Alastor thought about his wife every single day. Did she find out about his murders? Did she hate him for it? Did she become a cast out because of it?

After decennia of not getting a single sign of ever being reunited with Y/n, he gave up. That was, until the princess of hell got on television and told all of hell about her 'Happy Hotel' and her idea of rehabilitating sinners. It was impossible, still, his got told him to go there. Just in case. To prove to himself that he will NEVER see Y/n again.

Y/n was on her way back home. She was in a hurry knowing that her new husband would be home soon from his hunt. She was planning a surprise, having made custom baby shoes that had their names engraved but she hadn't been able to pack the gift. As she was running through the street, a car swirled. The last thing she remembered was the front of a Ford and screams.

Everything went white, then black and then blue. Looking around, she was on a golden pat that led to a golden gate. Was this heaven? Saint Peter was waiting by the gate and happily led Y/n in.

She had quickly found a new home in heaven; she started up her own radio show, decorated her house and made a few friends. Everything was ready for when her husband would join her but that day never came. Every day she laughed and joked around on the most beloved and popular radio broadcast in heaven and then went home crying about her husband and grieved the small and sweet family she would never have.

One day she was bold enough to visit the seraphim and ask about her Alastor. The answer that was given to her was devastating.

"I'm sorry but he doesn't belong in heaven."

That night, Y/n couldn't sleep, all she could do was cry.

Decennia went by and she had made peace with the fact that she would never see her husband again. That was until the princess of hell came up to heaven with the idea to rehabilitate sinners and the news came out about the yearly exterminations. Winners started to protest, most of them had family down there. What if they died because of heaven's heartless decision?

Y/n was haunted by the same fear. One night, she tried to sneak out to the golden gate and jump down but was promptly stopped by peter.

"Hell isn't a place for a lovely woman like you." He had said.

Y/n wasn't hearing any of it thought. She was determined to find her husband again. So instead, she started messing with her radio station.

"ALLY!!! PLEASE ANSWER ME!!! Please." She sobbed. "Please be, alive! Alastor I love YOU!!!"

That night, Alastor sat on the hotel's balcony reading a book when his microphone started acting up.

"A-..... M.... ase... v.. O!!!"

Strange. If it hadn't been decennia since he last heard her, he had recognized his wife's voice in the glitchy fragment, he, however, didn't. As he was checking his microphone, he got called over by Rosie and the other cannibals that were training for the battle.

It was the next day, Y/n pulled herself out of bed, changed and made her way to her radio tower. She had to use this broadcast to spread more awareness about the exterminations.

Alastor woke up that faithful morning from her microphone. A broadcast came from it, but he wasn't in his radio tower? And it was a female voice? His eyes fluttered open and really started listening to what was being said.

"It's a sunny day as usual here in heaven. A small chance of clouds in the late afternoon but those will be swept away fast."

Alastor knew that voice, he was sure of it. It was his wife, his beloved wife, broadcasting from heaven. He could finally hear his love again.

"On to the news! I think we all heard about it around now, but during the trail with Charlie Morningstar about the Hazbin Hotel, it came out that heaven has been exterminating the human souls down in hell. Your loved ones could be gone... Forever... Winners are demonstrating around the holy palace, come with us! Come down and stand help us stand against this injustice! I'm going and so should you!"

And she was fighting for him. She was probably so scared that he would be dead. He would do anything to find her again and if he had to fight heaven, he would do it.

The Radio Demon gained a new confidence that day from a single radio wave that made it through to hell.

The end

Note: I know that the fragment would be more than a single radio wave, it just sounds cool.

Masterlist/request guidelines

[enh-sumin]

RELATIONSHIP/SHIP

IN ENHYPEN

not my gifs btw! creds to original owner !!

HEEMIN | ACEZ

Met when they were trainees, but weren't close

Didn't like the idea of having a girl member, but got used to her very quickly

*He fell in love first, basically all the boys did while she was clueless*

Very flirty towards her

Two aces are the best duo. (ENHYPEN besides Heeseung disagrees, but lets let Heeseung have his moment)

So clingy

JONGMIN | CLEANZ

Met the day she was introduced to the group

He didn't mind her being apart of the group, just scared she was only there to date them

He fell in love first because of her shyness (Just like every one of the boys smh)

Flirty but so soft with herrr.. down bad too .

He protects her so much- like you wanna talk about her? yeah no. you're gonna get him first.

EVEN CLINGIER THAN HEE

These two love having the dorm spotless, so their named CLEANZ.. they don't care about the name tbh

JAEMIN | LOVERZ

Like Jay, they met the day she joined the line up

He fell in love at first sight, now they are so close and in loveeee

Lovers..no wonder their named that- Engenes gave it as a joke, but they really are in love :)

Heeseung and Jay combined. down bad, soft, flirty, clingy, you name it

The duo is so iconic for their cuteness-- It's different in the dorms though.. just saying

HOONMIN | ICYZ

Accidentally met at the ice rink without knowing, he winked at her predebut...

Didn't care at all for her joining- he was just happy about debuting

They both know how to ice skate except Sunghoon was the only competitive skater

Saw her cook for the boys and thought DAMN! she wife material fs

HES SO POSSESIVE AND GETS JEALOUS EASILY I SWEAR

This duo is like.. wow. THEIR STAGE PRESENCE!! mwah.

SUNMIN | CUTIEZ

He met her the day she was introduced into the line up

WAS SO GLAD A GIRL JOINED JUST TO DO THEIR SKIN CARE TOGETHERRR

Fell in love when she was applying a face mask on him and their faces were close together

He protects her and she protects him, got it?

Cuties of the group, hence the name

Ever need the mood lifted? This duo <3

WONMIN | LEADERZ

They were friends while trainees

Did not expect her to be in the line up ngl

He has had a crush on her for awhile, just fell even more during promotions and all that

He never lets her get bullied or have someone yell at her-- ITS JUST THE #1 RULE!!

Them as a duo is either strict due to them being the leaders, or just a giggling mess

NISU | GOOFYZ

They also have known each other predebut

HE WAS IN SHOCK TO SEE HER DEBUT WITH THEM

He fell in love because she thinks of their late night walks as dates--- I mean who wouldn't fall in love to that?

HEY! don't make her cry or I'll whack you - a 6'2 16 year old

THIS DUO IS ALWAYS LOUD IDC !!

[uncloseted]

Hi - I apologize, but I have to disagree on the fact that you mentioned that the husband and wife need to work it out on their own. For context, I am a dating a (cis male) manager who works has a lesbian coworker. As someone who has been in a relationship for nearly a decade, I am along the same lines of what the OP may feel. However, we don’t know the entire background. For you to say the wife and the husband need to work it out on their own, is kind of one sided in my opinion. For example, my boyfriend works with a lesbian as well but blatantly flirts with him in front of me as well as sleeping with his best friend who is a male and then claims they are sometimes “gay”. Sorry this may sound messy but it all comes down to boundaries. Point is - Sure his wife may have trust issues but maybe chill on how you come across? Try to invite the wife to hang out so she knows there isn’t anything there or be cut and dry with him on text. It’s all about the vibe. To me; it sounds like that person is leaving out the specifics on why that wife may feel some type of way.

No worries! You're totally allowed to disagree with me. Like I was saying yesterday, I do my best to understand where each anon is coming from, but all I have to go on is what they say, so my context is limited. I generally try not to add things to the discussion that aren't present in the ask that the OP sent me because I don't want them to feel like I'm making assumptions or judging them. The situation that you're describing is a real one. But it's not the situation that the OP was describing. Is OP lying to me? Maybe. People lie on the internet all the time. But I don't think any good would have come from me making that assumption and then responding as if that's true. If they're not ready to admit it to a stranger on the internet who they're asking for advice, they're probably not ready to admit it to themselves either, and I don't think I'd be able to change their mind.

Ultimately, though, I do stand by what I said. Even in the scenario you're talking about, the ultimate responsibility is with your boyfriend to enforce the boundary that he set for himself because he's the one with a relationship to protect. Your boyfriend's coworker may be a naturally flirty person who doesn't think that flirting with people is crossing a line (or she might be someone who doesn't realize the way she's acting is being interpreted as flirty). So it's up to your boyfriend to set, maintain, and enforce appropriate boundaries with her based on the rules of your relationship. After that, continually hitting on someone who has expressed that it makes them uncomfortable is just sexual harassment, especially in a workplace, and that's an entirely different problem.

At the end of the day, other women can't "steal" your man. If you have a committed partner, you have a committed partner, and if you don't, you don't. People's actions can't change that. People get jealous when they think their spouse is reciprocating the affection in a way that feels like emotional or physical infidelity, and that's why ultimately I think it's between the spouses to work the situation out. What's appropriate and inappropriate in friendships? Where was the line crossed in this case? What felt like the spouse was reciprocating this person's feelings for them? What can they do to build better trust in one another and in their relationship so that having opposite-gender friends doesn't feel like a threat to their relationship?

That's not to say that people have a pass to be inappropriate or to try and get with someone that they know is in a committed relationship. As a person, it's important to be aware of when you're making someone uncomfortable or crossing a line. And obviously, people who continue to pursue someone who has indicated that they feel uncomfortable with it are harassing them and need to stop, even if that means reporting them to HR or taking legal action. Rather, my point is just that there will always be people who cross lines in other people's relationships, either intentionally or unintentionally. What matters the most in those circumstances is how the people in the relationship respond to those lines being crossed.

[eviebyme]

Hello, I was going to ask about the Ceres signs of BTS. I've heard before that the Juno sign gives information about the person they will marry for women. But in men, this can be understood by looking at the Ceres sign. I read such an article on the Internet. "Juno in the male chart shows the people with whom he will do business mostly. In particular, the conjunction of the man's Ceres and the woman's Venus and Moon are very positive. Ceres also signifies a man's tender, caregiving side and how this part of his nature finds expression. "

Accordingly, can you briefly give information about the future wives of BTS according to the Ceres sign? And how do they express their compassionate side? I hope you see and answer my question 🤗💞

Hi, I think this is soo interesting❣️ In my understanding Ceres mostly represents how a man interacts with and treats women. So, I mostly focused on how they will treat their future wives. If I didn't answer you're request please feel free to ask again!

How Bts will treat their future wives

Namjoon - Cancer

Whoever ends up marrying Namjoon will be one lucky person. He will treat his future wife like a queen and will always put family first. He appreciates making memories and spending time with his loved ones. Namjoon will always make time for his wife and always make sure she feels loved and appreciated. To him his wife is his partner, so he will treat her with respect and hold her in the highest regard.

Jin - Aquarius

Jin will always lend a listening ear to his future wife. He is very trustworthy and understanding and will always have an open mind when listening to his wife. Additionally, he will love all of his wife's flaws and imperfections. He will appreciate what makes her different and constantly tell her how amazing she is.

Yoongi - Pisces

Yoongi will be an emotional rock for his wife. He is a highly sensitive person and will strongly feel the emotions of his wife. Sometimes, he will carry the weight for both of them, only to be sure that she is not suffering. Yoongi will follow (what he believes to be) his husbandly duties and will do whatever he can to smooth bumps in the relationship (even if that means compromising when he completely disagrees).

Hoseok - Taurus

Hoseok is a provider. He will make sure his wife has everything she needs. Whether its a home cooked meal or a big warm hug - he always delivers. Family is extremely important to Hoseok and he will work hard to create a secure home for his family. He will shower his wife with gifts and affection, while also ensuring she has everything else she needs to be happy.

Jimin - Libra

Jimin will be his wife's biggest cheerleader and number #1 fan. He's the type to wholeheartedly support whatever his loved one is doing and tends to be more hype about it than they are. If he wasn't an idol, you could expect him to post his wife all over his social media page either promoting her business or just an appreciation post. He would want everyone to know who he’s with and just how amazing she is.

Taehyung - Scorpio

Marriage is a huge commitment to Taehyung. The fact that he even got married means he’s sure his wife is the one and he’s ready to settle down. He will want to have a deep, intimate relationship with his partner and will not want to spend significant time apart. Although he may become resentful or jealous when isolated from his partner, he values trust and stability and will be very vulnerable with his wife- as she will be the person he trusts most.

Jungkook - Pisces

Jungkook will want his marriage to be fun and exciting, since he spends a lot of his personal and professional life stressed. He will put on a cheerful face to his wife, wanting her to be happy and not worry. Since he can become caught up in work, he will plan fun vacations and date nights to make up for his absence. Even if he gives his all and pampers his wife (which he will do constantly), he will always feel a bit guilty that he is not doing enough to prove his love.

✨Masterlist✨

✨Works in Progress✨

[amtrak12]

bro, can i get ur thoughts on tolbert? i feel like they are such an underrated ship in GB2016 :'(

bro, Tolbert (Patty Tolan/Erin Gilbert from Ghostbusters 2016 for those not in the know) ARE A VERY UNDERRATED SHIP.

Understandably so. The Yatesbert and Toltzmann was STRONG in the movie and my canon-wired brain definitely has trouble ignoring it. (and as co-founder of this ship, my Tolbert tag is only a SHAMEFUL 3 pages long - so like I Get It.)

And yes there's polybusters to get both the canon ships AND the fanon ships in one -- but Holtzmann has Many feelings and Zero skills to communicate them, Abby's instinct is to lock her own feelings up so tightly she sometimes avoids asking other people about their own, Patty has only been monogamous, partly because that's what she prefers and partly because she's only seen poly ships crash and burn, and Erin has WAY too many unaddressed issues with being excluded thanks to her childhood. She will get jealous af and she will be hurt over every perceived slight. Like..??? I don't know how to get them past that, sorry.

BUT IGNORING THAT and jumping straight to our fanon AUs - Patty and Erin are really fucking adorable and perfect and upset me greatly with how cute and perfect they are.

To start any new/newly curious fans off with a primer:

Patty Tolan is a certified Disney Prince. (LINK - I still stand by this opinion I posted in 2016)

She can DANCE!!! as Rory Gilmore stated in S1 of Gilmore Girls, Disney princes who can dance are the best. Now, Rory may not know anything about life, but she is an expert in all works of fiction, so we can be assured this is nothing but Genuine Truth.

Patty is swoon-worthy tall. Like the kind of tall people weak for height differences dream of. Add this together with the dancing skills and what do you get? DIPPING! Now, it's 100% true that when you're actually dipped while dancing in real life, it is super weird and awkward and for a full 60 seconds you think you're going to die (even if the dip only lasted 2 sec) - but that doesn't stop us all from wanting to be dipped in the first place! So this is still a massive positive.

also after you’re pulled back up from a dip, you get to use the momentum to tuck yourself closer to your partner’s chest. See this headcanon and below section on Cuddles for why this is Very Important

Patty will 100% have your back at all times even when she completely disagrees with what you're doing. You want to release a ghost in the lab? That's such a bad idea. I'll get my proton pack.

TANGENT: Erin will also 100% have your back (those 20 years she spent away from Abby are trauma induced and should not be counted against her loyalty record) but she does it in a completely different way. Patty offers strong defense. She'll block the bullshit from getting inside when you need a shield, and when you're out fighting, she'll be right there by your side watching your blind side. Erin takes the offensive route. She's very "WTF did you say about my wife?!" and then come for your throat kind of protective. I stan both of these types of protective.

END TANGENT

Erin totally dreams of meeting her own Disney Prince (again reference that first link). She is the most disgustingly alloromantic person you've ever met and wants to be spoiled with love. BUT DID YOU KNOW THIS GOES BOTH WAYS? When Erin is in a relationship, she will spoil the shit out of her partner. She will do any little or large thing she can think of that makes the other person happy. Morning coffee? Erin has Patty's order ready without being asked. Flowers at the office for their anniversary? Done. Because Erin has always always always wanted flowers delivered to her office, but it turns out being the flower giver makes her just as ecstatically happy. Erin gives Patty a book on a topic Patty talked about for two hours last week - not for a special occasion, just because Patty was super passionate about it. (She hands it over nervously because while she triple checked both the lab and home libraries for it and came up empty, there's still only a 50% chance that Patty hasn't read it already.) (Patty has NOT read it already and she's so thrilled she starts reading it immediately.) (*immediately meaning after kisses and hugs of gratitude.) LINK - these tags do not lie

Yes, admittedly, Erin's need for approval and affection is also a lingering response from her childhood trauma, but it only crosses into unhealthy territory when her acts of affection go unreciprocated. Her acts of affection with Patty definitely do not go unreciprocated.

CUDDLES!!!

Everyone reading this has seen the deleted hug right?? Well here’s a link to it again anyway because Tumblr won’t let me reupload it on this post. (second gif on right)

*dramatically flops to the floor with hearts in her eyes* This hug is the stuff dreams are made of. Which by the transitive property means that Tolbert cuddles are also the stuff dreams are made of.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! Second gifset link because ONCE AGAIN Tumblr claims it’s too much pretty to repost. (top gif on the right)

ERIN WENT IN FOR SECONDS ON THE HUG!!!!! (and Patty was far from mad about it) I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!!

More Gifsets to Die Over:

further proof that dancing is Very Important in my GB ships.

Erin is fully sitting in Patty’s lap here and sometimes that distracts me so much I forget my own name

On my 4th or 5th viewing I tried - really honestly TRIED - to see fodder for that one ship but instead I spotted this ducking and hiding Tolbert moment and then Tolbert was all I could see

these photos may have been posted out of spite, but they’re not wrong

More Headcanons To Squee Over:

List One

List Two

Fic Recs!

Literally the best Tolbert fic in existence aka Stand by You (like a tree) by @cassiopeiasara

Can I Stay Here With You  also by @cassiopeiasara

I don’t feel like I ever did Tolbert justice but I do like this alternate first meeting I wrote for them. (and after re-reading it, I can confirm it is far too short. CURSE YOU, PAST!SELF)

[bobasheebaby]

100 Roseanne Prompts

I usually try to stick to quotes that can work for everyone but some of these were too good to skip. Break at 15 like always. Request a show

1 “Hey, all our lives suck.” — Roseanne

2 “Here's why you can't trust your kids 'cause they're stupid. That's why we don't give 'em cars or booze.” — Roseanne

3 “Etsy is like a yard sale except online because nobody can afford a yard anymore.” — Darlene

4 “All of your relatives died from alcoholism. The ones that didn't drink were killed by the ones who did.” — Roseanne

5 “Did all of your children's deliveries go according to your birth plan?” “Um, they found their way out, if that's what you mean.” — Andrea & Roseanne

6 “You gotta pick your fights in life.” — Roseanne

7 “Okay, he doesn't have to wear pants, but he's gotta wear underwear.” — Dan

8 “It is not my fault that I just happen to be a charismatic person who's always right about everything.” — Roseanne

9 “Why are you picking on me? What, did I take the last doughnut, or something?” — Darlene

10 [Person B is embarrassed after walking in on Person C nursing her baby] “Oh, now, NAME. It's not like you've never seen breasts before.” “NAME’s my friend. As far as I'm concerned, she has no breasts... It works for me, okay?” — Roseanne & Dan

11 “The car has heated seats? Thank God, I thought I was going through the change.” — Roseanne

12 [stoned and laying the bathtub] “Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?” — Jackie

13 “In this house, I'm in charge and father knows squat.” — Roseanne

14 “What's up? I smell fear. I love that smell! But what's up?” — Roseanne

15 “Do you have anything sharp I can stick in my eye?” — Dan

16 “You are really, really gettin' on my nerves today, man! I mean more than usual!” — Dan

17 “Well, you think you can stop me from seeing NAME, huh?” “I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.” — Mark & Dan

18 “You were always trying to push us apart. You were always putting me down!” — Mark Healey

19 “My marriage is not based on me listening!” — Roseanne

20 “Why don't you just kiss my butt?” “Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo!” — Becky & Darlene

21 “You are just evil!” — Jackie

22 “Oh good, go for the guilt. You better take a looong, hard look at yourself, NAME, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, there is obviously something missing from yours.” “Just figure that out?” — Jackie & Roseanne

23 “I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him/her?” “Well, it started out that way.” — Roseanne & Dan

24 “Being your own boss isn't that great of a deal. Last week I sexually harassed myself.” — Dan

25 “Hell, even I don't hate her that much.” — Dan

26 “Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous.” “Just don't shoot any milk out of you nose, and you'll be fine.” — Becky & Roseanne

27 “Please, NAME, I don't want you to help me, I just want you to leave me alone ... Please.” — Darlene

28 “Don’t toy with me, NAME.” — Roseanne

29 “We, have had a fight, and we're not speaking to each other.” “Oh, well, what was the fight about? Maybe I can take a side.” — Roseanne & Jackie

30 “He/She wanted to do something; I didn't feel like it.” “Yeah, well, so what are you going to do?” “Nothing.” “That's what you did last weekend!” “Yeah, well I'm not finished.” — Darlene & Roseanne

31 “No, NAME always was the bad influence.” — Roseanne

32 “Talking - it's like yelling, only not as loud.” — Roseanne

33 “Yeah, but you know what they say, NAME. They say, ah, when you really love something you should, you know, make it go away or get rid of it, or whatever.” — Roseanne

34 “You're acting like a crazed psychopath.” [snorts] “Well the voices in my head disagree.” — Dan & Roseanne

35 [on getting married] “I always thought it was the smartest thing I ever did. You obviously don't agree.” “No, I do agree with you, it was the smartest thing you ever did, but we're talking about me now!” — Dan & Roseanne

36 [Person A and Person B bury the hatchet] “So, I guess we've finally approached the end of Bitch-Fest YEAR.” “Oh what a time we had!” — Roseanne & Darlene

37 “You can't tell NAME what to do. She's a big girl!” [snarls] “Compared to who?” — David & Roseanne

38 “What kind of list is he/she making? Not that it's any of my business.” “A hit list.” — Beverly & Dan

39 [feeling for pulse] “I think he’s/she's dead.” [steps back] “Check again.” “I know how to count to zero.” — Roseanne & Dan

40 “What was the second thing you noticed about me?” — Roseanne

41 “Aw, get off the sympathy wagon, NAME; there were plenty of guys/girls standing in line for you to treat 'em like dirt. I was just the lucky one.” — Dan

42 “You are rotten rotten kids, and I can't even believe I'm related to you two!” — Jackie Harris

43 “You'll just do something stupid that you're going to regret later.” — Roseanne

44 “I'm your husband/wife. That's my right.” — Dan

45 [finds present] “You're not going to open it, are you? It's two days away.” “Yea! Well I need time to practice pretending like I like it.” [pulls something ugly from the box] “Oh man, I should'a opened it a week ago.” — Jackie & Roseanne

46 “Oh, this is going to be soooo great!” — Darlene

47 “What's the catch?” “No catch, can't we do something nice?” “I don't know, you never have.” — Roseanne & Becky

48 “Oh my God. You're kidding me!” — Roseanne

49 “Save your breath, NAME, you're not gonna talk me into dropping this lawsuit.” “Well, maybe I can talk you into begging for your life.” — Fred & Roseanne

50 “I'm way more powerful than any law!” — Roseanne

51 “Well NAME, I guess you're just not the man/woman I thought you were ... and I wasn't too happy with that one!” — Roseanne

52 “We should've known, NAME, men stick together no matter how butt headed their argument is.” — Becky

53 [about Person b and person c’s sex life] “You're kidding? You guys have a night?” “Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.” You have a time too?” “Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.” “Well, you should make him wait half-an-hour after he eats.” — Jackie & Roseanne

54 “Oh, c'mon. Just because you guys aren't having "Wednesday", doesn't mean he’s/she's out ... "Wednesday-ing" somebody else.” — Jackie

55 “What's the matter with you, boy/girl? Can't keep your pants on?” — Dan

56 “Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are!” “We are sugar and spice, and everything nice. So bite me!” — Dan & Roseanne

57 “Have you met NAME?” — Roseanne

58 “Gee, I'd love to NAME, but I'd rather stay home and drill some screws into my toes.” — Darlene

59 “Remember one thing, NAME, I'm your worst nightmare!” — Jackie

60 “You always say how you want better things for us.” “Ah, yea, but I was talking about me and your Dad. You kids already got it too good.” — Becky & Roseanne

61 “You are a controlling bitch!” — Dan

62 “Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - -“ “What? Say it.” “Nothin'.” “Well that makes two of us.“ — Dan & Roseanne

63 “Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.” “Yeah, an ass ... And where do you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? You're from PLACE!” — Ronnie & Roseanne

64 “I can't believe that I wasted TIME hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you. You're a bitch!” [gasps] “I'm a bitch? Hah! I bow to the queen of all bitches.” — Roseanne & Ronnie

65 “Look me in the eye and tell me it was an accident. And remember ... I can tell when you're lying.” “It was an accident ... could you tell?” — Roseanne & DJ

66 “I could go for something to eat.” “Yeah? Well, then go.” [motions toward the door] — Arnie & Roseanne

67 “You're going to flunk marriage if you can't pass the oral ... oh my God ...” “We know too much, we know too much.” — Dan & Fred

68 “NAME, where'd you get those jelly beans?” “From the bin at store.” “NAME, I told you, you gotta finish eating them while you're in the store, 'else it's stealing!” — Roseanne & DJ

69 “I never thought I would say this ... I'm too depressed to drink.” — Dan

70 “Let's just cut the crap, okay. You're talking to NAME’s mother here, the mother of all mothers and she is majorly mad.” — Roseanne

71 “NAME, NAME, NAME. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.” — Roseanne

72 “This is for the pain.” “Owwww. Make it a double.” — Nurse & Jackie

73 “I hate to see you laying here in pain like this.” “Well actually, ever since he/she gave me that shot, I'm feelin' kinda neat.” — Gary & Jackie

74 “I want someone who will love me and support me no matter what. Just like NAME does for you.” “Are you insane! You know how many years I had to put into NAME? You think he/she came out of a box like that!” — Jackie & Roseanne

75 “What do you think your punishment oughta be?” “What do you mean?” “NAME told me everything.” “That little rat.” “But I told him/her I wasn't going to do anything until I get your side of the story.” “Well first we, wait a minute, uh, uh --“ “You're getting good.” — Roseanne & Becky

76 “I worked it out with NAME, he’s/she's gonna stay here and babysit and I'm gonna go out.” “Why would he/she do that?” “I have dirt on him/her. “ “What kind of dirt?” “Now if I told you, I'd have to stay home.” [person a leaves] — Darlene & Roseanne

77 [Person A is acting like a hunchback] “I brought the baggage master, where do you wish me to put it?” “Just put it anywhere Igor.” “Maybe later you and me.” “We'll see.” You're so kind.” [ kisses hand] — Dan & Roseanne

78 [about child’s behavior] “NAME you did stuff like that when you were NAME’s age right?” “No, the boy's odd.” — Roseanne & Dan

79 [offering to the family] “Hey, I got one more pancake.” “I want French toast!” “Well, you better move to Europe.” — Roseanne & DJ

80 [Person A, angry, grabs keys and leaves the house] “Oh God. This is really bad.” “Yeah, I know.” “Oh no. I mean, this is really bad. I'm parked behind him/her.” — Jackie & Dan

81 “Yeah, I do. And we're not going to put him/her through that again, are we?” — Dan

82 [comes in through the front door] “NAME, you all ready to go?” [whining] “I don't wa-haant to-o-o-o! I feel like a used piece of gum that somebody stuck under the table, just waiting for the excitement of drying up and hitting the floor.” — Jackie & Roseanne

83 “You HAVE to take this job ... you're the only one that applied!” — Marsha

84 [grabs the syrup bottle and comes up behind PERSON B] “Remember me, NAME?” [look of terror] “Not Mrs. Butterworth ... please not Mrs. Butterworth.” “Remember how your brother/sister NAME told you how I came to life at night in the cupboard? Remember how I would chase you around even though I have no legs? Well I'm back and I just want one more sticky kiss!” [PERSON B screams] — Roseanne & Jackie

85 “I hope I see you later, I mean, a lot later.” — Roseanne

86 [after the birth] “I didn't call you any horrible names back there, did I?” “No more than usual.” — Roseanne & Dan

87 [about kid dressed as a lawyer] “That's the scariest costume all night.” — Roseanne

88 [going through the candy bowl] “This is all sugar in here.” “Not true, there're chemicals too.” — David & Roseanne

89 “You should be giving children the stuff their bodies need.” [gets fruit from the kitchen] “What the hell is that?” “Wait a minute, honey, I've seen this before, it's food that doesn't come in a wrapper.” “That's unsanitary.” — David, Roseanne & Dan

90 “Did you see the Great Pumpkin last night?” “No, NAME wore pajamas.” — Jackie & Roseanne

91 [discussing Person C] “She's rude and selfish.” “I know, but, inside she's just a ... scared little girl.” Yeah, and I know what's scaring her, the raging bitch on the outside.” — Dan & Roseanne

92 “I'll be back later to give you your present.” “Why can't I just open it now?” “I haven't bought it yet.” — Jackie & Roseanne

93 “And don't you ever feed my dog!” “If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!” — Roseanne

94 “I really don't think it's wise for anyone in this family to be giving away livers.” — Beverly

95 “Say 'I'm not taking any crap from anyone'.” “I am ...” “Stop! It's not 'I am', it's 'I'm'.” “I'm not taking any... do I have to say the C word?” “Yes you do, NAME, because that's the most important word.” “I'm not taking any crap from anyone.” “That was good but are you serving tea, NAME? Get mad and say it.” [louder] “I'm not taking any crap from anyone!” “Good, now personalize it, make it your own.” [louder] “I'm not taking any damn crap from anyone!” — Roseanne & Doris

96 “Hey, where's my 'My other mug is a shot glass' mug?” — Roseanne

97 “Why are you gettin' so mad at me?” “Because you are making me defend NAME.” — Becky & Roseanne

98 “I am not sexist. I'm much too frightened of women to be sexist.” — David

99 “Get me a beer.” “Get it yourself, slob!” — Mark & Darlene

100 “I can't believe you're jealous over this.” “Why not? It's very typical of me.”

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

May I ask why you're so against rachel bilson? It's just that I know absolutely nothing about her and from and outsider persepctive she seems like a regularly nice person

Hi, yes! I apologize in advance, this is super long I’m afraid!

So first of all, I want to make it VERY clear that I don’t endorse sending hate to people, even if you despise them, and I am not intending to spam any social media she may have with hate because that’s simply inexcusable.

So here’s the thing: the whole thing just personally leaves a bad taste in my mouth because they had a sex scene years ago in a film that was directed by Bill’s ex-wife, Maggie Carey. It just really weirds me out because that was several years ago, and obviously I don’t know Maggie beyond the fact she’s a director and was married to Bill, but if I were her I’d be more than a little pissed off because I’d be wondering if my husband had been seeing this woman the entire time. I don’t think Bill is the type but I frankly don’t know him personally and who knows? It just seems a little tasteless in a way, but hey whatever.

Firstly, in literally every photo I’ve seen of them together - grocery shopping, golden globes etc, - they both look like they’d rather be anywhere else. Especially tonight, you can see in videos when they turn away from the cameras, their smiles vanish and they look (for lack of a better description) kind of constipated. I know Bill has bad anxiety so that could be part of the reason, I don’t know. But it looks like they’re not even trying - he smiled much more genuinely when with his ex. You can tell when someone is half assing their smile and when it’s genuine, especially in their eyes or the way they’re smiling.

I’ve been having a twitter conversation with someone, they messaged me wanting to talk about the whole thing, and I’ve been discussing it with them for a few days now. Disclaimer here that I already knew this person because I spoke to them about a month or so ago because their friend met PJ at a comic con and she (the twitter girl) was talking about it, so we already knew of each other before this whole ordeal. Recently, however, they’ve been telling me stuff and showing me tweets/photos/stuff about R*chel and, hey, maybe I’m only seeing what they want me to see? Who knows? I’m not saying my impression that I have of her is the correct one, just my own personal impression thus far.

The first thing we noticed was the sheer amount of paparazzi photos and news stories. I have never seen someone be photographed so damn often while out shopping - so far in the last week alone, RB has been papped near enough every day. No one gets papped that often by accident. The person I spoke with on twitter informed me that it’s always the same people (backgrid) and that she’s probably calling them herself. Not even the kids from Stranger Things/Harry Potter get photographed this much, and they are WAY more famous and in demand than her*. This week alone it’s been grocery shopping (w/ Bill), then going out to lunch with her friends, then shopping for furnishings, and THEN lunch with her mother. All in the same week. This isn’t just a her thing, it’s in general, but no one cares if actors are shopping for shit or going out to lunch with their mothers, it’s really not exciting or interesting. So yeah, there seems to be some question as to whether or not she’s phoning the paparazzi herself.

*I had literally never heard of her before being a fan of Bill so... 🤷🏼‍♀️ She’s definitely not as famous as the ST kids are right now

Also, it’s interesting that in the eleven years he was married to Maggie, and in even the last few years where he’s really started to pick up career wise, he has hardly been photographed by paparazzi in public. The only time I can think of is when he was filming IT Chapter 2 and that was because it’s a major film and they were shooting outside in costume. There could be more but I doubt there’s loads going around. So yeah, I find it kinda questionable that only now is he getting papped this regularly.

Not only do I think calling the paparazzi on yourself is vain and straight up thirsty for attention, but if that IS the case (and I’m not saying it is), it’s incredibly disgusting to do that whilst out with someone who has REALLY bad panic attacks and social anxiety. You can see it in his face that he’s pissed off and annoyed about it.

This person I spoke with also made some remarks regarding both of their kids with other people. Apparently the only time RB ever goes out with her kid is to get them photographed with her or something, and that she’s literally never with her daughter. This could be bullshit for all I know. I haven’t really researched her daughter because, frankly, that would be creepy and I also don’t really care about her enough to give a shit.

We know that Bill has 3 daughters, and it just strikes me as odd that he made a big fuss about how he only saw them 5 days in summer of 2018 (due to Barry and IT filming) and how he was crying over it, and “I’m going to spend more time with my kids 😭” but then...you get a girlfriend instead? And you spend time with them instead? And even when I first read the interview where he said about missing his kids, like...dude, come on. That’s your own fault, no one is making you stay away from the kids, you and your wife have joint custody. In comparison also to RB, who’s kid is seemingly papped quite a bit with her, I’ve literally seen maybe two or three occasions where one of Bill’s kids have been papped, like that’s it. And that’s how it should be frankly.

Back to the person I spoke with, they have a friend in Tulsa who was there around the time the two were spotted at Starbucks together, and here’s apparently the tea: Bill apparently got coffee alone quite a few times, she arrived in Tulsa, they got coffee, and then she left Tulsa after like a day. This person’s friend said that they weren’t holding hands, and they barely even looked at each other the whole time. This is a kind of “her friend’s brother’s wife’s cousin” thing and could be false, however. And I honestly think that if you’ve got 3 kids and you make a HUGE fuss over not getting to see them because of YOUR work schedule, then you should be spending Christmas with them and NOT with your new side chick. The same goes for RB - if she was in Tulsa over Christmas, why was she not with her own kid?

There’s a whole kettle of accusations that could or could not be true about both of them frankly; she’s using him to restart her career, he’s insecure and he’s being taken advantage of, she’ll probably get his kids papped, blah blah blah. This honestly could be total bullshit so who the fuck knows at this point. The whole getting together before awards season as well is so obvious, like so many couples do that for good publicity during this time of year and it’s frankly laughable. It’s the same kind of situation as the Alison Sudol/David Harbour situation two years ago - they stepped out together at the Golden Globes etc. And look how that turned out!

And, to be honest, I get feelings about people. You know how sometimes you just get a feeling about someone and you try to push it aside but it gnaws at you? Yeah. It’s not concrete evidence but I’ll be honest, 97% of the time I’ve found that if I have a feeling about a person, I’m at least somewhat right. I had a gut feeling when the whole nonsense about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard started, and even when I was abused and harassed over it, I knew my gut was telling me that it was BS because it just didn’t feel right. And it turns out I was right in that case because it’s now come out that Heard was abusing him and that she’s almost certainly been lying the entire time about being abused. But I digress, I’m not here to talk about that. I don’t know why but I get a bad feeling/vibe about RB and, hey, I could be totally wrong, nothing is ever 100%! But right now that’s the vibe I get and i tend to go with what that gut feeling is telling me.

And before the accusations of “you’re just a bitter jealous fan” come flooding in (as they inevitably will), I can promise you that is not the case. I make jokes about being thirsty and shit, but that’s all they are - jokes. Come on, I’m 22 next week, do you really think I want to hook up with a 41 year old with 3 kids?? 😂 And besides that, there have been MANY actors I either crush on or admire who are either in relationships or married, and because I’m an adult I can respect that. Hell, most of the time, I start stanning their partner too! There’s literally only ever been one occasion where I had a crush on an actor and didn’t like the person they’re (now) married to, and that’s because I didn’t like her as a person. I can respect that they’re married and I wish them all the luck, but given that it’s been nearly 9 years now and I still don’t particularly like her (and I don’t crush on said actor now), it’s definitely not a “fangirl crush” thing. It’s just that sometimes you don’t like certain people - maybe you disagree with their views, their behavior, or maybe you just don’t like the vibe they give off. You can’t like everyone, and you can’t be liked by everyone, that’s just how it is.

So, to conclude, I want to just make it clear that while I’m not a fan, honestly all the power to them, like Bill is a grown ass man, he can do whatever he wants with his life for all I care, he doesn’t need fangirls online rushing to defend him or baby him. As Mrs Brown from Mrs Brown’s Boys said... “it’s your life, love, you’re entitled to fuck it up however you please”. (I’m not saying he IS fucking up his life, on the contrary he’s doing very well for himself, it’s just a saying)