#sheep poo

[oldwindowsicons]

Screen Mate Poo

[cy-cyborg]

My partner has my name in his phone set to a slur, we're both from the community the slur belongs to and I told him to do it when we first got together as teenagers because I thought it was funny i guess and its just stayed. it's fine, but he's recently started using the door dash location sharing feature while he's at work that let's me see where he is (he's had a few scary incidents while delivering so it's just a precaution).

The thing is though, door dash uses the name attached to the contact your sharing your location with, which means I occasionally get text messages from door dash saying "hey [slur], jesse wants to share their location with you" and I always have a brief moment where I forget and wonder why door dash is just being ableist lmao.

[duckbunny]

today's weird question: horses eat grass and grain and cows eat grass and grain so why does their muck smell different

[honey-flustered]

Kinktober Day 13: Dirty Wrestling

Perv!Eddie Munson x Fem!Delinquent!Childhood Bully Friend!Reader

Warnings: 18+ smut, dirty wrestling, mean!tomboy!reader, tease!reader, sub!eddie/dom!reader, s-dere reader (think like a playful Wednesday Addams), pervy!eddie, featuring f-boy!steve, modern au, childhood bullying, misogynistic views of women by the hellfire members and steve, kissing, mentions of amazon position, mentions of protected sex, mentions of overstimulation and multiple orgasms, reader gets the last laugh

Summary: Eddie so desperately wants to get laid and seeks you out as an option. He gets more than what he bargained for when he finds out the hard truth why you don’t stick your dick in crazy.

A/N: This was super fun and experimental and I don’t care that it flops I love it 🥰

Eddie groggily trudges into the lunchroom, appearing more disheveled than usual. He plops down into his seat, the bickering amongst his peers ceases as they look at him with concern.

“Eds, you look like shit.” Jeff says.

“Yeah, what gives?” Gareth chimes in.

Eddie darts his eyes on each side before speaking. “Cover your ears, little sheep.”

Dustin, Mike, and Lucas exchange confused looks. Impatient; Eddie waves a dismissive hand and they eventually obey grumbling about how stupid it is.

“Gentlemen, I want—no, no…I need to get laid. It is actually concerning,” Eddie begins, flexing his fingers in an open and shut fist. “This hand…satisfies me no longer. I need to get my dick wet or I think I might go insane. It’s gotten so bad to the point where this morning, I opted to ride a crowded bus instead of driving simply because I wanted to feel the warmth of a woman. As the kids say, ‘I am down horrendous’.”

“Me too,” Gareth sighs in frustration. “I don’t even care for penetration. I just want to be held.”

“Boy, I’m sure lucky I’ve got a girlfriend to get laid whenever I want. I mean, well…whenever she wants,” Jeff’s smile slowly fades as he stares into space. “It’s been 3 weeks and counting but it’ll be anytime before she comes asking. Aaaanytime.”

“I bet I’d get some before Jeffy gets any again.” Gareth chuckles.

“Not before me.” Eddie challenges.

“Are you both making a bet on the basis of my suffering?” Jeff asks, nostrils fuming.

“Yep, yeah, pretty much.” Eddie and Gareth say in unison.

“And how the hell are you two planning on doing that? We’re lucky we even lost our virginities to begin with. Where the hell are you two going to find girls willing to sleep with you when you can’t even look ‘em in the eyes?” Jeff inquires.

“Maybe I could direct you plebeians to a solution?” Dustin interjects, causing the three older boys to turn their attention his way. He’s tapping the tips of his fingers together, a mischievous smirk on his face,

“No offense, Henderson,” Eddie scoffs. “But what the shit could you possibly help us with? Just last week, you thought the condoms in Steve’s bedroom were balloons.”

“Obviously, I’m referring you to him. He helped me build my confidence with the ladies,” Dustin trills in a dorky growl that causes everyone to cringe. “Wouldn’t have the guts to speak to my Suzie-poo if it weren’t for him. If you’re looking to make some happy screams, he’s your guy.”

“No way,” Eddie laughs. “I’m not some sorry loser taking a class on picking up chicks.”

“That’s exactly what you are.” Lucas argues.

“Au contraire, Sinclair,” Eddie begs to differ. “Would a sorry loser shred ‘Master of Puppets’ on guitar after just a week of listening to the song?”

“Yes, that’s huge loser energy.” Mike answers.

“We have a campaign to run in a week,” Dustin says. “I’d rather you two have the heads on your shoulders to be in the game and nothing otherwise.”

And pathetic as it is, Eddie and Gareth would soon find themselves in front of Steve’s dorm room. Dustin lays a few knocks on the door as the older pair internally ping-ponged between pessimistic embarrassment and optimistic desire.

Steve opens the door with a knowing smile. “Well, well, well boys. I’d say I’m surprised to see you but my loyal client here has informed me of your arrival,” He touches two fingers to his temple as if to concentrate his ‘powers’. “Lemme guess, you both wish to consecrate with women.”

“I…think you mean ‘consummate’.” Dustin corrects.

“That’s what I said,” Steve snorts, throwing open his door and gesturing inside with a repeated swat of his hand. “Come on, let’s get this show on the road, I’ve got a date with twins. One at 8 and the other at 10.”

“Twins?” Gareth whisper-yell, shooting Eddie a look of excitement.

“You’re bluffing.” Eddie dismisses.

“If I’m lying, I’m crying,” Steve says before showing off his phone screen with a photo of the girls. “And you don’t see any tears, do you?”

“Teach us your ways, oh, great Master.” Gareth says in awe.

“That’s King to you. Have a seat and listen well, boys.” Steve instructs before sitting on the edge of his computer desk while three boys sit on a small sofa across from him. “First off, you gotta weigh out your options. If you’re in it for the long haul, then you can go for the girl that takes a lot of effort to get. These are usually the girls you might’ve been pining for, for a while. But since you’re looking for a quick nut, then you’ll need to weigh out your feasible options. Gare Bear, whatcha got?”

“Helen from the drama club. Oh, and there’s this cute barista at my local coffee shop that’s been giving me the eye whenever I come by. She even puts a heart over the ‘i’ in my name.” Gareth says.

“You don’t have an ‘i’ in your name.” Eddie says, blinking in bewilderment.

“I know her!” Dustin exclaims. “My mom does some light chatting with her here and there whenever she picks up her coffee. The ‘eye’ you’re referring to is just an involuntary twitching of the eye from prolonged exposure to bright lights in the shop,” Dustin explains to Gareth who begins to slump in defeat. “B-but on the bright side, they’ve fixed those pesky lights recently so if she’s giving you the eye, it’d be for real this time.”

“I’m pretty sure she puts an ‘i’ with a heart on everyone’s coffee cups,” Steve adds. “Cute girl but not the best speller.”

“You’re not helping, buddy.” Dustin sing-songs, through gritted teeth.

“What about you, Munster? What’re your options?” Steve asks with an inquisitive rubbing of his chin.

Eddie searches his thoughts. “No one.”

“You’ve gotta give me something to work with, fellas,” Steve sighs. “Someone’s gotta come to mind.”

“Dude, what about that juvie chick? The one who lives in the same park as you,” Gareth suggests. “Wasn’t she like your childhood friend or something? You’d be so in there!”

“(Name)?! Fuck no!” Eddie shouts. “She wasn’t my friend. She was my first bully.”

————

Age 13

The first time he’d met you, you were both in cuffs at a police station. The two of you sat across from one another as you awaited to place a phone call to your guardians.

Suddenly you retrieved a hair pin from your mouth, clutching it firmly between your teeth as you brought your shackled hands up to your face and picked the lock. Not a moment later, you were free. Eddie could only watch on in awe as you stood up, the cops too busy to notice you.

“A little help here. I can’t have my uncle see me in this place again.” Eddie whispered to you.

“Of course.” You said with a sweet smile before tossing the bobby pin at his feet. “Good luck.”

With a quick blow of a kiss, you strode away and Eddie’s expression morphed into bafflement and dismay.

“Hey! I can’t reach it!” Eddie shouted but you’d been long gone and he’s now alerted the police to your departure.

Age 14

Since then, he was sure he’d never see you again until he briefly attended an alternative school and ran into you again. The moment you saw him, you purposefully tripped him to the ground for ‘ratting you out’.

The torment only seemed to worsen once you began to actively seek his friendship because very few were brave enough to befriend you. Sometimes, you’d invite him over to your trailer home and he’d get a glimpse of exactly why you are the way you are. As you are the youngest and the only girl in the family of a workaholic father and 3 older brothers who were just as chaotic and malicious as you. Then came the day you’d make your ‘friendship’ official, when you all but cornered him in the boys’ locker room.

“Munson, I’m looking for a best friend.” You nonchalantly asked, unfazed by the half-naked boys running amuck at your presence.

“Are you stupid? You can’t be here! You’ll get in trouble.” Eddie chastised.

“What else is new?” You shrugged before taking his hand. “Come on, applications are open and I can’t imagine being besties with anyone other than you.”

“W-what happened to the last guy?” He asks while recalling the last boy toy that you’ve once dragged around the school.

“Let’s just say the ‘bestie’ slot opened up after my last one yelled at me in class. Heard he got visited by the men in white that very same day. Something about an anonymous person calling into a mental institution to report him for his aggression. Wonder who it could’ve been.” You ended with a feigned innocent look.

Eddie really wished he could’ve said ‘no’. But he couldn’t dare end up like the last guy. Even as his peers from behind your view, mimed and charaded away gestures advising against it—, Eddie reluctantly agreed. Thus began a whirlwind of a friendship filled with lots of delinquency and drama.

Age 15

Then by the grace of whatever, Eddie had been able to leave the alternative school and attend Hawkins High after teachers cited an improvement in his performance in his classes. He was finally going to be free.

“It really sucks to see you go. You’re probably going to be so lost without me. If you’d like I could create a distraction that’ll allow us to stay together.”

“No!” Eddie yells then immediately adjusts his tone. “I mean…no. It’s probably for the best that I go to a boring old public school. We had good times but, alas, we must part. I could only hope that we’ll meet again someday.”

“Well, you may be going to a different school but we can still hang out afterschool. We live in the same place after all.” You beamed.

“I’m moving,” Eddie quickly lied. “Possibly very far away. To a remote area that’s so far, there isn’t even an address you can call in to or send me letters or anything.”

“Damn, sounds like my last juvie center. I’ll be wishing for the day we meet again, bestie.” And with that you gave him a crushing hug.

It was a shitty thing to do. Lying to a supposed ‘friend’. He knew. But what else could he have done? You were a lot and sometimes quite the nightmare. He’d have died an early death messing around with you. Ever since then, he avoided you at all costs, making sure to never cross paths with you again. He’d done so successfully for about 3-4 years. Hell, you’ve probably forgotten about him.

If he’s that lucky…

———

“She made me take the fall for a lot of things she did, treated me like a lapdog, made me get into situations where I could’ve died— you know, she once tied me to a tree and left me there for an hour. I had to break out of it on my own only to find out that she’d been only a couple feet away, timing my escape. Last I heard, she hasn’t changed.”

“Yeah, but have you seen her as of late? She’s fucking hot. I’d thank her if she were to spit on me.” Gareth says dreamily while Dustin furrows his brows in disgust.

“Then why don’t you try your luck with her instead?” Eddie asks.

“Because she’s clearly into you.” Gareth retorts.

“I’d advise neither of you two to mess with her,” Steve warns. “The hotter a crazy woman is—buckle the fuck up because you’ll be in for a wild rollercoaster ride. Your inexperienced nerdy hearts couldn’t possibly take that much excitement. They don’t call her ‘The Siren’ for shits and giggles.”

“Siren?” Eddie questions.

“Sirens are evil mythical creatures that lure men to their dooms.” Dustin clarifies.

“Sounds about right.” Eddie mutters.

“You guys ever heard of Norm Prescott?” Steve questions ominously.

“Who?” The boys ask at once.

“Exactly,” Steve says while pointing a finger. “Norm was a kid in my year. Good kid. Captain of the robotics club. Member of the swim team. The poor bastard came across her page on a dating app last year, messaged her, fucked her and he was never seen again. Rumor has it, he went completely insane after one night with her and needed to attend college in a different city in order to be free of her spell. Pussy from a crazy chick will ruin your fucking life. Heed my words: Do not stick your dick in crazy.”

“I don’t know…That sounds kind of metal.” Eddie admits.

“Yeah. What could possibly go wrong?” Gareth asks.

“Pretty much everything from the way that eerily sounded.” Dustin shudders.

“Dudes, she’s not actually some evil mythical…” Eddie’s voice trails off before he correctly starts up again. “She’s not a mythical creature. Just an adrenaline junkie with a sadistic streak.”

“Somehow that sounds worse.” Dustin comments.

“So you’re going to do it?!” Gareth asks.

“‘Course not,” Eddie scoffingly laughs. “I’m desperate…but I’m not that desperate.”

“Good boy,” Steve praises before taking a swig of his beer. “The tale of Norm Prescott is a cautionary one. I don’t want to see any of the people I care for lured to their doom. Oh…and I guess I wouldn’t want that for you guys either.”

“I think I’ll go ahead and consider myself lucky that I’ll never have to experience some shit like that.” Dustin sighs in relief.

“Wait for it.” The older three reply in unison.

———

Eddie’s stomach churned with envy when he learned that two days later Jeff had gotten some from his girlfriend, noticing the bounce in his step. It felt almost like a bad omen to him which confirmed his paranoia when Gareth had bragged to him about receiving the local barista’s number, citing King Steve as his guru.

Though no serious stakes were in place, Eddie truly felt as though he’d max out all his options. He couldn’t possibly be the only one caught in a dry spell when he’s already regarded as a freak enough!

Maybe a night with you didn’t seem so bad after all.

“I see that look in your eyes,” Steve says, tossing a card into the pile before suavely leaning back in his chair. “You’re thinking about fucking her, aren’t you?”

“Gah, this again!” Dustin groans, angrily tossing a card on top. “It’s already bad enough I nearly walked in on Nancy and Jonathan doing the ‘hokey pokey’ while needing the bathroom at Mike’s place. Something must be in the air. Hormones, pheromones, angst—I don’t flippin’ know.”

“H-how is she by the way?” Steve says breaking his f-boy persona. “She ever asked about me.”

“Yes, Stevie, I’m sure she thought of you while getting railed against a bathroom sink by Johnny boy.” Eddie says sarcastically.

“You’re a little snappy.” Steve grumbles.

“Because I’m frustrated,” Eddie cries. “Gareth’s probably going to get off before me. In fact, everyone will—maybe even you’ll get some before me, Dustin, because apparently I’m so much of a loser that I can’t get a single girl to want me.”

“Maybe you should just go for the crazy chick. It’s been years. I’m sure she’s changed. Befriend her again so that you’ll finally get some action and we don’t have to hear you yapping about being a sad little virgin all the time. I mean, how bad could she really be?” Dustin poses the question.

“Norm Prescott…” Steve singsongs.

“But did he die?” Dustin counters.

Steve stands corrected, quirking his head. “You’ve got a point there.”

“Sh-should I really? What if she hates me?” Eddie ask timidly.

“Hate sex with a crazy lady? Sounds like a deadly mix. Not a bad way to go if you ask me.” Steve says.

———

“Hot date tonight, tiger?” Wayne asks with an amused smile and arms crossed as he leans against his nephew’s door frame.

“Actually, I’m going to see an old friend.” Eddie says vaguely, causing Wayne to tilt his head in suspicion.

“You mean that sailor-mouthed girl you used to get up to no good with? Didn’t you used to beg me to lie about your whereabouts to her?”

“We were only immature children then, Way-dog,”Eddie excuses. “We’ve grown apart from our former selves.”

“Just last week, you asked me to schedule a dentist appointment for you because you were afraid to speak to a live person.” Wayne deadpans.

“I was…saving my vocals for a gig.” Eddie justifies.

Wayne sighs, knowing exactly what his nephew is going to get up to. So like the supportive parent that he is, he slips a row of condoms into the pocket of Eddie’s leather jacket.

“Just be careful, son,” Wayne says while patting his chest. “Wearing protection can save you in a lot of ways—“

“O-kay, I’m getting a little uncomfortable. Goodbye.” Eddie flushes red, knowing by now that his own uncle knew the rule of crazy women and that his poor nephew was too far gone to help himself.

Once Eddie’s out the door, his body shakes at the thought of seeing you again after all these years. Would you remember him fondly or as a liar?

Then, he spots you sunbathing in a lawn chair, puffing a vape pen and flipping through a magazine. You’re in a tight yellow bikini with only a small sheer coverall around your waist. Your skin looks so well moisturized, he can tell you’d feel so soft. That thought alone was enough encouragement to keep him going.

He clears his throat and you choose to ignore it at first until he’d done it again. You lower your heart-shaped sunglasses, glaring up at him for a moment before your expression softens—in fact, it brightens once he’s sure you recognized him.

“Bestie…that you?” You ask, rising to your feet.

“In the flesh.” Eddie says nervously shifting his weight on either foot.

“It’s been so long,” You hugged him with that same crushing power that was all too familiar. He should be traumatized but instead he shudders happily, breathing in your vanilla scent. “How are you?”

You pulled away and he had to catch himself from pathetically chasing your embrace.

“I’m great. Really great. Y-you look like you’re doing well, too.” Eddie says with an anxious giggle.

“I am. Thanks for noticing,” You say almost suggestively. “You wanna come inside so you and I can properly catch up? My brothers aren’t home.”

“Yes!” He says a little too eagerly and it makes you laugh.

“Well, come on in then, partner. Don’t be shy,” You beckon, taking his hand and leading him into your lair. “I only bite when necessary.”

His heart beats a mile a minute when instead of being led to sit at the sofa, he’s dragged to your bedroom. He fiddles with his fingers nervously as you begin to lock the door. You turn to face him again with that famous mischievous smirk.

“You remember as kids when we used to play doctor? Those were fun times, right?

Dustin was sooo wrong. You didn’t change whatsoever and Eddie’s slowly regretting his decision.

“Y-yeah. So fun,” He lies, swallowing the hard lump in his throat before taking steps back at your inching approach. “Though, you had me shitting bricks at times when you suggested we use real medical tools instead.”

“I was only messing with you.”

“Hard to believe that when you used to chase me with a pair of scissors.” The backs of Eddie’s knees hit the edge of your bed and his arms flail to keep himself upright.

“But friends can tell little white lies here and there? I never intended on hurting you. Not too badly at least. You know a thing or two about lying to your friends…don’t you, Edward?” The moment you’re a little too close for his liking, Eddie dashes from in front of you and towards your bedroom door but the complicated locks scramble his brain. He quickly faces you again, not wanting to keep his eyes from you too long in case you do something.

You plant your hands on either side of his head, closing the gaps between your bodies. Your full breasts are pressed up against him and yet he’s too scared to care.

“Why’d you lie, bestie?” You ask. “Didn’t we have fun times together? We roughhoused, got into some wild antics, and we even cried together.”

Except, it was Eddie that was doing most of the crying!

“I-I didn’t mean to…t-o...” Eddie says, voice pitched high.

“To lie? Oh, Eddie, mother tells me that when a man lies, he certainly means to do so,” You give a low, dark chuckle. “So after all these years, Eddie, why did you decide to see your dear old pal again?”

“T-to apologize.” He swallows.

“With your cock?” You ask with an innocent tone, batting your lashes. You glide a hand up his inner thigh until it lands on the hard bulge in his jeans, palming him in your surprisingly strong yet dainty-looking hands.

He gasps, fearing that you’d be psychotic enough to break his dick. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Just please let me go and I will never bother you again.”

“Oh, I’ll let you go,” You flick your tongue along the bottom length of his straight nose. “But I’d like to play a game…for old times sake.”

“Is it ‘smackdown’?” He whimpers.

“I was actually going to suggest a game of ‘Go Fish’ since you’re always so good at that,” You blink blankly before a sinister expression takes over. “But I like your idea.”

He curses himself in his head, helpless as you grab fistfuls of his jacket and drag him away from the door.

‘Smackdown’ was a wrestling game the two of you created sprinkled with your own sadistic twist in which you two used to wrestle one another. Eddie quite liked to play wrestling with you but as a scrawny kid back then, you’d always win the match. The rules were that you’d have to pin your opponent to the ground for at least 7 seconds. Winner gets the choice to do whatever they want.

If Eddie’s going to get himself out of this mess, he needs to use all the strength he’s got. No holding back. Luckily for him, he’d grown a lot bigger than you.

On either side of the room, you two stare intensely at one another. Eddie charges you with a loud battle cry and pins you down to your fluffy white rug. He’s never had this much of the upper hand. Never gotten past 3 seconds. It’s almost too good to be true.

But when he’s gotten past 4 seconds his heart soars as he can practically taste the freedom. Seeing you struggle for free yourself beneath him was quite satisfying within itself. But then at the 6 second mark, you made the cruelest move yet…you reminded him of his desperation.

You lunged forward and kissed him.

Distracted by this, Eddie releases your wrist in shock. You’re quick to gain the advantage as you roll on top of him and pin his wrists down for the 7 seconds.

“I win.” You gloat.

“You cheated!” He hisses.

“You’re allowed to play dirty or did you forget the rules.”

“What are you going to do to me? Scour the internet for the worse medieval forms of torture to use against me?”

“Tempting,” You say and Eddie wishes he’d shut his big fucking mouth. “But I like my idea better.”

Digging your nails into his scalp and gathering a large amount of his hair in your hand, you crash your lips onto his again. Your other free hand fiddles with the zipper of his jeans and he moans into the kiss when your hands are enclosed around his girthy member.

“I’ve got this new wrestling move I’ve been dying to try,” You whisper against his lips before nipping the bottom lip. “I like to call it the amazon warrior power press. Wanna see?”

By the time you’re through with him; you’ve tossed him in every position you could think of and used him like a proper toy—you’ve officially ruined all women for him. He’s never been fucked as if he were a slut. Cum-filled condoms like inflated balloons piling up beside his head after every round; he’d lost count after 4.

He was a drooling, pussy-drunken fool by the end of it but you gave him no time to bask in it as you’d pushed him out of your home practically naked.

In his underwear, his clothes and shoes in a balled-up mess in his hands—deep hickies and love bites littered all over his skin, he looks up at you on your porch with a desperate yet hopeful smile. His friends will mourn Eddie Munson for he, too, has been cursed with the same spell that once begot Norm Prescott. And even worse, he didn’t have the capacity to care.

“Will I get to see you again?” Eddie says while fumbling to catch his things from falling. “I’d like to take you out on a date sometime. M-maybe I could get your number?

“Sorry, bestie,” You say, faking a sad pout. “But I’m moving.”

And with that, you shut the door square in his face.

[bearyzdiary]

Tired

Francis X reader

This diary entry contains…Established relationship|you know the drill…Baker X Milkman|Francis has sleeping problems|Reader comforts him|Mwah Mwah I love this man|I think warm milk makes you poo i dont know|

The sound of crickets filled the bedroom as you cuddled in deeper into the fluffy duvet you owned. it was a long week with multiple doppelgängers trying to get it.

Most people started to install special needed security just incase the person they shared an apartment with wasn’t really who they were. of course you saw that was silly and wasn’t needed and you knew if Francis wasn’t the real one, You could just smack him with a metal bowl.

But something you began to pick up on was Francis’s lack of sleep. His eye bags were deeper and he would have to get picked up early because he kept falling asleep on the job.

His boss gave him the rest of the week off to just rest and you agreed to that. You made him take naps wherever like the couch or even on the floor if that was where he wanted to lay. you always vacuumed that area and set down pillows and sheets for him to lay on.

But tonight was no different. you thought about making him melatonin cookies but didn’t wanna risk it. So you just told him to take one and he agreed. Not much was done by the time both of you went to bed.

Besides Francis laying awake to you. He was knocked out the second he hit the pillow so what caused him to wake up in the middle of the night?

He didn’t know himself. He was worried it was gonna affect you as you cared about him so much. He didn’t wanna get up so he thought about different things. counting sheep was something he tried and it did work once but he would steal end up waking up and repeating the cycle.

You stirred around before turning over. "Can't sleep?"You ask. Francis nods before letting out a groan. "It's like torture. i dont know what it is but i need it to go away before i lose my mind."He said as he looked at you.

"Maybe you should make yourself warm milk "You said as you sat up. Francis looked at you before shaking his head. "That would make me shit a lot " Francis said as he sat up and yawned while stretching.

" How about we make a visit to the doctor tomorrow, See what they can do about it or what they think would be best for you " You suggested as you gave him a gentle pat on the shoulder. Francis nodded as he plopped back down.

" That would be nice. I should have done that a while ago " He said as he laid his head on your chest. Your hand instantly began to play in his hair as you let out a small hum. "I'll call in the morning. Try to get some sleep dear" you said as you pulled the covers over Francis and you before kissing the top of his head.

Francis was lucky to have you by his side, always taking care of him and looking out for him. He would be lost without you.

[you-remind-me-of-the-babe]

Hello and happy coc and CORB posting! I’m enjoying seeing what everyone is sharing!

I’m not doing either because I’m still working on the WIP that just won’t quit. 😅 But I feel like I can wrap the final chapter up by the end of the year. At least, that’s my hope.

Here are six sentences out of order from the 10th and final chapter of Depth of Reason. I realized there were a lot of women in the first 3k of this chapter. So here’s one sentence or either dialog or a reference of each of them. Any guesses as to who’s who?

“Hello? Simon? Oh,” she sighs, practically sobs, and my first instinct is to soothe her even though I don’t know what’s wrong.

[Redacted] frets and Baz has to cut her off before she gets into summarizing the doom scrolling she’d been doing before he called.

Thankfully, she’s not on speaker, but I do catch certain words and phrases like eviscerate, heads up their arses, and flaming pile of dog poo.

I think that’s been the hardest part, knowing that working with her at the new school might not come to fruition.

[redacted]: And make sure he knows this is NOT the end.

“I need to buy that woman a fruit basket,” he mutters.

Thank you for the tags this morning @cutestkilla @rimeswithpurple @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @forabeatofadrum @ic3-que3n @theearlgreymage @thewholelemon @nightimedreamersworld @hushed-chorus I love seeing what you’re working on! (Also woke up to a mention from Rainbow herself saying thank you and it made my freaking morning) Tagging @fatalfangirl @artsyunderstudy @aristocratic-otter @whatevertheweather @moodandmist @raenestee @valeffelees @blackberrysummerblog @youarenevertooold @iamamythologicalcreature @facewithoutheart @shrekgogurt @run-for-chamo-miles and anyone else who sees this and wants to play 💜

[master-john-uk]

I did not share this story when it was first reported last week, as I was too shocked, horrified and angered!

A car deliberately ran over 14 sheep in a field. In order to do this, two sets of farm gates were broken through. This proves the culprits' determination to cause injury, death and distress to the innocent farm animals!

Farmers can legally shoot dogs that do this... perhaps this permission should be extended!

If Surrey Police fail to get these bastards severely punished, farmers may (justifiably (n my opinion) take matters into their own hands!

Land on the furthest side of my Dorset farm was broken into in 2019.

I had been alerted my London cyber team that my land was being advertised on social media as a venue for an illegal rave. (They blocked and deleted these posts.) I set up several wireless surveillance cameras, and positioned my secret weapon, The Cow Poo Cannon... A large tanker with a high pressure hose, filled with slurry.

On the advertised date it was very stormy, and the security cameras were knocked out of place by the wind. (They did capture a very strange image of a cat stalking foxes though!)

Nothing happened that night, and after a couple of days we moved the cow poo cannon back to the main farm compound.

The following weekend I was alerted by a phone call from a neighbour who told me that the lane at the far end of the farm was blocked by cars. RED ALERT! I immediately contacted Dorset Police... estimated response time "about two hours."

My two Czech farmboys started to take the cow poo cannon over the fields, Farmer Frank took the big tractor out onto the road to try and block their escape, and I drove cross-country in the Land Rover.

I was first on the scene. Approximately 30 to 40 youths had broken through the gates to Bottom Pasture. They were having a wonderful time. I positioned the Land Rover where the headlamps gave me maximum visibility, got out of the vehicle, and walked towards them, calmly at first.

After trying to talk to them in a cool, calm manner... I lost it! It was at this point that two Dorset Police cars turned up (much sooner than expected). I was bundled into the back of one of the police cars. This made me even more angry.

Most of the little gits had escaped before Farmer Frank blocked the road with the tractor. Although one got stuck when he tried to escape by driving his Ford Fiesta across a field.

The cow poo cannon did not arrive on scene soon enough to be of any operational use... probably because the two Czech lads had been drinking vodka all evening!

Only eight people were arrested that night (including me), and only five were charged, all with drug related offences... nobody was charged with causing criminal damage by breaking into my farm.

In addition to reinforced gates, most of our fields are surrounded by ditches, which very few vehicles can drive across.

[prismaticpichu]

25 for Seph and 6 for Zack <3

Heck yeah! You got it! ❤️ (I actually just answered #6 with Zack so i’ma skip that one if that’s all good! Though main takeaway is that I associate with his unwavering faith in others <3)

~~~

What was your first impression of this character? How about now? ~ ohhhhh YES YES YES i love this question xDD I always hoped for an opportunity to talk about my first discovery of Sephiroth shshdhhd. So! What was my first impression of Sephiroth..? Did I faint? Did I melt? Did I combust into flames at the sheer majesty?

Oh, no. My first impression of him was complete and utter HATRED…

….

For about 2 minutes.

Okie doke so this isn’t as much as a “first impression” as it is my emotions under the circumstance in which I was introduced to him, but I wanna tell the unasked for story anyway lol. So, basically, imagine this: it’s winter or 2020. Little Pichu is stuck inside alongside the rest of the world. There wasn’t much to do, not much to look forward to. But ofc, I always had video games to entertain me. Specifically, Smash Ultimate—a game I played obsessively during lockdown, day after day. Anywho, like I said, it’s winter of 2020. December. And what was coming up in just a few days…? The Game Awards.

Normally, I really wouldn’t care all too much. I never really gave a poo before lol. But this year??? This year, it was different. It was almost guaranteed that a new smash fighter was gonna revealed. And as someone who’s heart and soul was tethered to the game at the time, this was everything to me xD

So! There I am, sitting on the couch in front of the TV. It’s the 10th of December. The Game Awards would be on any moment. Already I’m sitting there and letting my brain trip over all the potential fighters that can be revealed. The anticipation is REAL, man. SO REAL.

The Game Awards start.

The first thing to appear on the screen is a Smash Bros trailer.

Little Pichu is PSYCHED. Heart tenses. Breath hitches. All the characters are there on the cliff. No indication as to who it can be. All options are valid. Every single hope has a chance. They’re about to fight Galeem. The thing prepares to unleash an attack. The music escalates and the god gets sliced in half and—

And…

Whomst.

The F*ck.

Is that.

So, yeah, um, I was very uncultured and had no idea who one of the most iconic villains to exist was x,D It’s actually REALLY embarrassing lol. Anyways, as Sephiroth descended from the sky and that random choir began chanting in the background, all I could feel was RAGE. I’m tell you. It was cold, bitter FURY. How could they add another swordfighter??? We have ENOUGH. Who is this woman??? What??? WHY??? WHY HER?????? WHY NOT SOMEONE I KNOW AND WANTED—!

You know how I said the anger lasted for 2 minutes.

It was prolly more like 55 seconds.

As almost as quickly as I wanted to chuck my remote at the screen, I had turned into, like, a mesmerized sheep. The trailer was (as my vocab would say at the time) freaking EPIC, man! The dude was UNSTOPPABLE. He plowed through anything and everything and holy SHIT DID HE JUST KILL MARIO?—

Yeaaaaah so that’s how it started tor me xD It wasn’t long until I was binge watching memes of Sephiroth’s entrance to smash, scarfing down comics of him and Pichu, and coming to the realization that I actually wanted to know a lot more about this character. I still remember the moment I opened up Google and typed in “Who is Sephiroth?” That’s how engraved this man is into my essence xD Pichu get help. I was brought to a wiki page, and there was literally no turning back lol. I learned that he used to be a hero—a good guy—which absolutely plunged me into wanting to hunt down the Nibelheim Incident and see his downfall. I became so invested in what I didn’t see from his good side that I hunted down an 8 hour playthrough of Crisis Core, as that’s what I discovered was the prequel to it all. Next came devouring fanfic and headcanoning- and, well, here we are today xDD Needless to say I love this stupid psycho to death, and i don’t think that’s changing anytime soon!

…..This has no right to be this long dhdhdhhd.

[larkral]

I haven't worked much on the Simon's two mums AU recently, but on this, the day of Simon's birth, I'm sure thinking about the mum's a lot. I've definitely already shared a segment of this scene, but IDGAF. This is the birthday Simon deserved.

"Is that…is that the…" Her eyes swell up with tears, as I pass him to her.

She zeros in on the baby, stroking his face and cooing. The baby is looking back at her with foucsed interest, and my heart pours over with joy. Even the walls of caution and concern I've built up over the past year can't stop it.

My partner. My child. My family.

The baby screws up his whole face and grunts mightily, and we're all three looking down at his precious head, his speckled brow. I reach down to smooth my hand over the down of his head, and then Zadie says. "Oh! Oh, I think he's had a poo."

Tags beneath the cut!

Thanks for tagging me @artsyunderstudy @imagineacoolusername @blackberrysummerblog @valeffelees @shrekgogurt @hushed-chorus and @forabeatofadrum

And tagging other lovelies (come out and play!!) @stitchyqueer @thewholelemon @confused-bi-queer @raenestee @facewithoutheart @cutestkilla @sillyunicorn @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @basiltonbutliketheherb @ileadacharmedlife @asocialpessimist @bookish-bogwitch @aristocratic-otter @captain-aralias @petedavidsonscock @takitalks @carryonvisinata @martsonmars @nightimedreamersghost  @chen-chen-chen-again-chen  @ionlydrinkhotwater @aroace-genderfluid-sheep   @palimpsessed @fatalfangirl @orange-peony @j-nipper-95 @whogaveyoupermission @wellbelesbian @rimeswithpurple

[nei-ning]

Many weird dreams from last night. In first my sis was playing some video game so I helped her to find items etc. In one point we noticed one team member is missing. A male vampire demon. We found him outside in medieval town. He was laying in a little fenced animal area where was pile of poo, human corpse with flies etc. He had long black horns forward and between them small area of reddish-brown hair (like Crowley's hair style curl from Good Omens).

He was alive but his chin and neck had bad burns, skin looking like melted cheese. He sat up and spoke slow in a hissing way, like snake. What I managed to hear from him, he said he would allow himself to be burned again if it would save his friends (meaning all of us his team mates). He stayed behind to begin with to save someone from very intense fire. He survived.

In next dream I was in a house with sis and someone else. Sis had ordered 2 huge boxes of things (vitamins, kitchen supplies, toilet papers etc). I was given a time limit to use on unpacking those boxes. I failed miserably each time! :'D in first round I didn't even find the clock to check the time. I'm second time I still had 32min left and I thought I can easily unpack the rest of the stuff in that time. Bullshit xD in last time I had time left 3,28 seconds. I gave up.

In other dream I was on the walk, suddenly just ending up in this room which was some kind of animal shelter. There was a woman who clearly couldn't care less at being there. She worked there but she was doing crosswords. Across her was bigger cat, looking like Verti. I actually didn't see him but I knew he was there. I heard his voice in my head. He said: "My heart hurts..." I instantly told about this to the worker who just groaned and said: "He keeps saying that." I was shocked! That cat was clearly and seriously ill and she did nothing! I wrapped this cat in white towels, rushing through this tiny hallway, finding a vet in the same place. I told her the situation as she started to listen to his heart. I asked will he survive but she shook her head, saying it's already too late for him. He either died there and then or she was going to put him down, end his pain.

In last dream mom took me to see my uncle who said to me he knows someone leaked out the information to me. I was scared since I thought he was talking about another thing but then he said: The seal. I need to know can you kill it." I said I won't hesitate to kill an animal if it's suffering. Just give me a riffle and I kill it. He seemed pleased so we headed out. The seal was supposed to be in the middle of the road where uncle had moved it, hoping someone to drive over it but we lived in rural area. The seal was found at the base of a tree near the road.

Uncle was holding a huge knife. He was going to pierce seal's head with it but I noticed how the seal opened it's eyes, being responsive. I yelled my uncle to halt and he did. This seal had long healing wounds all around it's body but no blood. It looked a bit tired but otherwise good and healthy. I told my uncle we should try to save it since it was energetic enough to be given a second chance. We just would need to find / get it fishes and see if food would help it as a first aid.

Uncle's friend, who I don't know, came there and she had a tracking collar for sheep but it was put on the seal, just in case. Then next we were in a car and this seal was in my lap. We drove past my childhood area with a lake and the seal saw this lake, another seal hunting fishes near the shore. This greatly improved seal's health and mood. It clearly recognized the lake and the other seal. I was happy, smiling at it. I said to others it clearly knows where it is, where it is from and it must had swim in this other lake via this underground tunnel / pipe which went under the road further away, connecting upper and lower lake.

I told this seal it will get back home after we get it some fish, feed and observe him 2 days to be sure he's okay. After that I woke up.

[foundtherightwords]

Love in a Storm - Epilogue

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Chrissy Cunningham (Regency AU)

Summary: A devastating loss threatens the happy marriage of Edward and Christine Munson, Lord and Lady Hurtsfield. However, when Edward is accused of a crime he didn't commit, Christine has to set her grief aside and embark on a perilous journey to prove her husband's innocence.

Warnings: childbirth, stillbirth, infertility, angst, false accusation, wrongful imprisonment, legal drama, some violence (non-graphic), some smut (non-explicit)

Chapter warning: childbirth (non-graphic)

Chapter word count: 1.5k

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10 - Chapter 11

Epilogue

Yorkshire, April 1824

The ewe lay on her side with a solemn expression, her round belly moving in time with her heavy breathing. Two pairs of eyes, one brown and one blue, were fixed on her. They belonged to Edward Munson, Baron Hurstfield, and his daughter, the Honorable Agnes Munson. Both were lying on their bellies in the warm, fragrant hay, watching the ewe.

"Watch carefully now," Edward told Agnes, as the ewe struggled to her feet. "The baby is going to come out any moment, right between the mother's legs there..."

"Like a poo?" Agnes asked.

Edward hesitated. On the one hand, Christine would probably have his hide if she knew what he had been teaching their daughter. On the other, he didn't want Agnes to grow up into one of those prissy missies that fainted at the mere mention of a perfectly normal bodily function, and in his opinion, three years and two months was definitely not too young an age to learn about reproduction. Luckily, he was spared having to answer Agnes's question, for at that moment, young Will burst into the barn. "My lord, the baby is coming!" he shouted.

"I know, we've been watching it," Edward replied, his eyes still fixed on the ewe.

"No, my lord, I mean—her ladyship—"

Edward bolted up. How had he forgotten again?! Christine would definitely have his hide for this. He picked Agnes up. "Make haste now, we have to go home!"

"But I wanna see the baby!" Agnes whined.

"Your baby brother or sister is coming. Don't you want to see him? Or her?" Edward asked as he swung the child onto his shoulders, sending her chestnut curls flying.

The mention of her younger sibling sent all thoughts of sheep and lambs from Agnes's mind. "Sister," she said with the conviction that only three-year-olds could have.

"Or brother."

"I wanna sister."

"All right, your sister then," Edward said, laughing. He put her into her seat on the gig and drove back to Hurstfield.

They were met in the front hall by Jane, who had come up from London for a visit on the occasion.

"How is she?" Edward asked, handing Agnes to his sister.

"She's well," replied Jane. "But she's asking for you."

As Edward ran out of the hall, he heard Agnes's piping voice behind him, saying, "Aunt Jane, I saw a sheep almost poo out a baby!"

Chuckling to himself, he took the stairs two at a time, then knocked on the door of his and Christine's bedroom. It was opened by Dr. Sinclair, wearing a look of blatant disapproval on his face. After Agnes's birth, Edward would have thought Sinclair had gotten used to his presence in the room by now, but clearly, the doctor's traditional mind still had a hard time accepting it. And he never missed an opportunity to make his displeasure known.

"Really, your lordship, I can't condone this..." he grumbled.

Christine, who was walking up and down in front of the windows with a hand on her back, looked up. "Doctor," she said lightly, "my husband has seen far more of me than you ever have, so why is it acceptable for you to be here and not him? I can assure you, he is not going to be in your way."

Ignoring the flustered physician, Edward grinned and stepped into the room to give his wife a quick kiss. Her face was slightly flushed, but otherwise, she looked unchanged.

"Did Agnes get to see the lamb?" she asked.

"Not yet. But she can watch lamb being born all the time. It's not every day when her mamma brings her a baby brother or sister, is it?"

She smiled at him, but her smile was quickly replaced by a gasp and a wince, and she clutched at his hand.

"You should lie down," Edward said. She shook her head, only squeezing his hand more tightly.

As Christine panted and heaved, Edward's heart constricted in time with her contractions. He had been in such a state of agony during Agnes's birth that he didn't remember much of it, only the excruciating fear and the subsequent blinding relief. Now, some of the fear had diminished with experience, but it only meant that he was all the more aware of his wife's pain and his own anxiety. He could only pray that this baby wouldn't take too long to arrive.

And it didn't. After several more circuits in front of the windows, Christine's knees buckled, and she finally agreed to get on the bed, though her hand never left Edward's. She had barely laid down when she suddenly arched her back and screamed. A moment later, there was a defiant wail, followed by the midwife's joyful shout, "Alive, alive! And a boy, too!"

Edward kneeled down by Christine's bedside. "Did you hear that, sweetheart? We have a son!"

Christine's eyes, already bright, brightened even more as she turned to him. Edward pressed her hand to his lips, kissing it again and again, laughing and crying, while she repeated in a soft voice, "A son..." and gave him an exhausted but dazzling smile.

Then her smile went out, as abruptly as the flame of a candle getting extinguished.

"Sweetheart? What's the matter?" Edward asked shakily, as Christine started breathing hard again, grimacing and squirming in his hand. "Doctor!" he called, his voice cracking. "Doctor! Something's wrong—"

Dr. Sinclair rushed over. "Your ladyship?" he said. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't—" Christine twisted her hand away from Edward's and gave a muffled scream.

Dr. Sinclair felt the rippling muscles on Christine's belly with expert fingers. He lifted his head, and a look passed between doctor and patient, a look whose meaning only they could understand. Edward felt an iron band tightening around his heart.

"What is it?!" he shouted.

Before the doctor could answer, Christine slipped her hand, hot and damp with sweat, into Edward's, which had gone cold with fear. There was that look in her eyes again, the look that had been branded into his mind on the last day of his trial, half apologetic, half triumphant. Perhaps there was a bit more triumph in it this time.

"I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger crib, my love," she said.

Edward stared at her, and looked up at Sinclair, not understanding.

"Twins, my lord," the doctor said, smiling. "I don't know how I missed it, but this is one instance in my professional career when I am more than happy to have been mistaken."

***

That night, with Christine nestled up next to him in bed while cradling the two troublesome bundles in her arms, Edward thought how lucky they were to have experienced such pure, radiant happiness, not just once or twice, but three times. It didn't seem possible.

The babies finally quieted down, and gently, gently, Edward lifted them from Christine and placed them in the crib, which did fit both of them, though only just. They had decided to name the boys Anthony and Osborne.    

"Shall I go, so you can sleep?" he asked, as Christine's eyes, which were fixed on the crib, started fluttering drowsily.

"No." She grabbed his arm and pulled him back into bed. "Stay." She carefully shifted her body to lay her head on his chest, and Edward ran his fingers through her hair, remembering a night, four years ago, when he had also had her in his arms like this, in a much less comfortable bed, when he had thought he would never see her again, when he couldn't have imagined such bliss as this. His heart almost burst with gratitude and love.

"Aggie is disappointed," Christine said, bringing him back to the present.

"I don't blame her," Edward replied, smiling as he recalled the look of dismay on their daughter's face as she peered at her brothers over the edge of the crib. "It's like asking for plum pudding and getting not just one, but two herrings."

"Did you just compare our sons to herrings?" Christine asked in mock offense.

"Well, they're wrinkly and they stink. I'm sure I was a herring when I was born as well, before my looks improved."

"You're incorrigible, you really are," Christine said, chuckling, and she pulled Edward's face down to plant a soft kiss on his lips.

Edward kissed her back, then trailed his lips along her cheek to whisper into her ear, "Let's see about giving Aggie a sister as soon as we can, shall we?"

"What if it's another boy?"

"I'm sure she can handle three brothers just fine. She was conceived in prison, she's strong."

"Edward!!!"

"I know, I'm sorry, I've promised never to bring that up again." He took her hand. "She is strong though. Just like her mother."

"And her father."

Their lips met again, the warmth of their kiss like a reassurance, like a promise, and Edward knew that no matter what life brought, their love would be enough to withstand it.

THE END

A/N: I think I may have developed a cavity from writing this epilogue, but it felt good to finally give Edward and Christine the "happy ever after" they deserve. Thank you for reading!

[originemesis]

@high-seraphims xxx

Her eyes narrowed a little bit more, mouth closed and an inspecting look on the mischief maker.

Standing back upright as she made a small sigh. "Should I just wait on you to inevitably loose it and reveal it by accident to me, or should I go and get Emily? She's likely to know I bet."

He really hates when she's PERCEIVING HIM like this- as evident by the restless flutter of wings briefly peeling up from out under his pits.

Still, the added distance encourages a relieved exhale of trapped wind so that he deflates a pigeon size or two, though not nearly enough to be considered any less plump than usual. "Oh, don't go to her-" Quick to cluck up at that proposed disaster waiting to happen, he flashes up a nervous twitch of a smile as sheepish as a wandered flock of sheep. "I mean, it's been like forever since we had a little chatty-poo, isn't it Sera? Why don't we go do uhh- that?? Over some coffee maybe ~ ? You like coffee, right??"

The awkward, sweaty exchange is followed by a raising of arms and a display of grabby talons imitating any child's rendition of the 'lift-off!' game before splaying them open under her gaze like an offering to keep divine judgement culled.

"Riiiiiight, Sera??"

[tobacconist]

ELEMENT REPORD(s)

collated.

from the weather hermit:-

TRACEE HENGE

-

element repord six-two-two. poo, POO! hot levels: -6 cow angle: 9 theres a cloud-clash: temporary two-to-fourteen, six-to-three gull warning: oh! field weather: 6 simper me with churning rain, ksh! ksh! stop.

-

element repord for the 24th of lull. warnings of severe droop in knool parish, waxing at 15 and 2, and waning at lights out. bang! bang! bang! possibility of dog-shake (eugh!), with puddle displacement, and backsplash: 3 WARNING: not good for mrs chinnermans hatchday dance (shame!) a heavy front! settling in for the night, despite bad moon-shapes. (oh) blowing it rough in brownlap for the wet meadow raking contest! a glove-graph of the island shows fingerless fleecey, with occasional handrub. aaaand blowthrough! blanket thickness: 2, with occasional sheets rising in the vest.

-

element repord for foursday the 18th of leafmoss. dunderhatch today, if youre planning to take part in the moss jump at the hoof&hedge hut. and hairsieves for girls. wafting. klesh later, so avoid deliberate stamping in the upper parishes. good news for spatter fans! level: 8-9 all nightly. smoothing to a dripple, with sheep-crouch: 4 by sunclimb. down in the lower parishes: cloud-goo wafting. ah, wafting, ah! ah! moistly mostly, then to edgy; with A CHANCE OF MERRIMENT. heeheehee followed by a deep depression in kraw.

-

element repord for threesday the 14th of phew. "words in me mouf! make me seem gud wevver!" - but i know its not real. thunder. BLEUARH! OOH! dirty shocker. HAIL! ah! ouch! woof woof bang. WHAT THE PHEFF'S THAT!? oh, its just up. AHAHA! bah! out!

-

element repord for the 24th of wilter. over in newhaw, ugh, terrible conditions for the fun fungus walk setting off from bobs mould hut at seven and three this nightly. and bring a stick! moOoO~ a real cow freezer in the south. (hueah!) a quick look at the weather-veins: there are cramps in the calves, ankles enlarged; dirty toes. heh...

-

element repord for threesday the 14th of phew. at seven and two today, warnings from the mellt office: OUCH! with occasional OOH! AH! and ROOFSLATES! with the ability to fry an egg! (no poaching) moving on to two to tutu, to two too to two two to two, too? to, uh, tomorrows picture: mainly light crayon, moving to a heavy felt pen in the south, AHHH! scribbles rising. wind at soft levels: softly, softly. possibilty of electric dogstorm, woof woof bang bang woof woof bang bang bang. dank gussets at dawn...

-

USE ME! USE ME! (but only for weather purposes) softly, softly my cormorant. kuru-kuru-kuru~ tether my merkintroy with seedless doubt (?) crunchy biscuit for breakfast... baaaaaaaad. reddly-bick houpsto, reddly-bick houpsto, tiddly-bits ahoy; cluttering the basset pipes. ouegh grooming the cloud-horse! (oof) and now trying to ride it. clop-clop-clop-clop-clop-clop-clop-clop

-

element repord for foursday the 10th of bloom. visibility is low today, especially in the upper parishes. you can see two clogs on a chair at about the distance of 8 cats (10 cats if theyre kittens) theres no crunch, in the atmosphere biscuits. its down from a slight droop two, too, to to a dirty curve, reducing to a soggy pulp overnight. if, like me, youre heading down to the sale at lucys lingerie and booty-boutique:- MAKE SURE YOURE WEARING FOG-GOGGLES. and loose elasticated panties. (hohoy!) brisk walks, end with a nose-breaker, mainly on a door; with pain and bruises rising.

[stiltonbasket]

All of these animals in Gusu just means more nasty chores for JueYing to do when she gets in trouble for her pursuit of Justice. Mucking out the goat and sheep pens? Cleaning out the chicken coops and the sick duck enclosure? Making sure that the pheasants' area doesn't get too full of poo? JueYing is doing it all and more.

Jueying doesn't actually mind keeping the enclosures clean, so she gets sent back to the library to copy books. The real punishment for justice-seeking disciples...

[desastreus]

Sheep do not give a fuck.

I'll be sitting with them in the pasture and they come over to me, to beg for scratches and pee and poo, all at the same time.

[thessaliaxiv]

Holidailies 2022, Day 17: Puts the Thing in the Basket

My most recent stint of employment was an annual seasonal thing for ten years; I was paid to put various things, usually fruit, into baskets and wrap them up to sell, something this particular grocery chain did. I had some funny and interesting interactions.

There was the day the lady bashed her cart into my collapsible table, making round fruit scatter under aisles everywhere, and then complained that somehow my stationary table was at fault.  Later that same day, another woman brought her groceries to my table, started unloading them, asked why I didn't have a conveyer belt, and where my cash register was, and that she didn't want the basket I was presently working on in front of me. Trying to guide her to the actual cash registers met with failure as she wasn't having it, she wanted me to "do my job." I finally had to wave a manager over and have her shepherded away. She vowed to talk to my manager about my terrible work ethic.

There was the stint of five days I was inexplicably given off, and my work partner neglected to do any work, clocking in but standing around for her entire shift. On my first day back, my boss showed me all the baskets with rotting fruit and demanded I explain myself. He had a later conversation with my coworker about the neglected merchandise.

There was the time I arrived at my table to begin my day of work, to find that my partner had helpfully placed a veal cutlet and some lotion on my table, an homage to that one movie about quiet sheep. I had to go place the items back on their respective shelves before finally starting my shift.

There was the time I suddenly heard some shuffling behind me, and observed a man taking every single bunch of bananas out of the box I was working with, muttering something about finding the green ones. I had plenty so I let him have his choice. He spent about ten minutes raving excitedly to me about this new diet he'd found, and that it only required him to eat really really green bananas that would help him poo.  I saw him the next few days after that and made a point of setting out all the fruit for him to yoink at will, and I got treated to updates about his diet progress.

There was the day the deli manager marched over, pulled me aside, and told me in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to use any of her products in my baskets, did not accept the explanation that I had used nothing from her portion of the store and that it was all shelf-safe. She demanded every single shift that I show her the long list of items including UPC codes that I had utilized for each basket, and why I was wrapping more than just fruit. She made my work day less than productive because she insisted on going through every item and did not let me work while she did so. I finally had to let the produce manager know what was going on and she was encouraged to leave me alone after that. :P

There was the day I finished my shift early, to which the home manager asked if I wanted to work another five hours assembling baskets of themed goodies for his department, and told me to go nuts with whatever ideas I saw fit. I assembled 20 baskets in that time, full of home decor, power tools, bath sets, compilations of garments, toys, and a whole bunch of other stuff, one set per basket. Apparently they all sold really quickly as well, taking only two days to completely decimate the shelves devoted to them. That day was long but very fun.

There was the day I completed my last shift, to which my manager handed me an apron for some reason. I exclaimed, "Boss lady has given Dobby, an apron!  Dobby is freee!"  She bent over laughing for quite a while after that.

I was very thankful that while select individuals brought things for me to wrap, it was never inappropriate, like cucumbers with condoms or underwear and duct tape or whatever.