#she's very familiar with how i meditate best & so when she wants to teach me a new one her guided meditations are perfect for me

[friendofthecrows]

they gotta make nap-length sleep mediations. Also ones where the speaker doesn't sound like the world's most annoying yoga intructer or perhaps therapist.

[azure-cherie]

PAC : Messages from ancestors ✨

Meditate and choose a pile with your intuition take what resonates and leave the rest since this is a general reading, none of the pictures belong to me , creadits to the original makers ✨ , please don't plagiarize my content, i hope this helps you ✨

Pile 1:

Hello my dear pile 1 💛, your ancestors are urging you to look within yourself for guidance, you are confused about something probably some goals and stuff you should do next year they advise you to sit down in silence and write what you feel , or in a way they could also ask you to channel their advice as you ask for guidence on what is bothering you , they see that you have been taking the lead and trying so hard to keep everything together and everyone together , yes you are chosen to break generational curses but that starts with you, you have done enough for your elders it's their duty to deal with their own shit, you should now move on your path , choose what are your new disciplines what you want to focus on , someone here could get married soon they are sending their love and best wishes and they are very happy about this romantic connection 🥺 , you should also look through the old stuff of your grandmother or some lady who has passed away , you are likely to find a journal or a book either of cooking recipes or spells maybe , they will help you in the continuation of protection and prosperity of your lineage, give gifts to your younger ones . Wear orange and pinks more often and take care and hydrate well . They love you see you and guide you .

Pile 2 :

Hello my dear pile 2 💛, your ancestors want to let you know that you're not alone first of all , they will always be at hand whenever you need something, eat well sweetheart, you don't have to compromise so much, things have been rough, but it was all to teach you , look at you now wiser smarter , but beware who you feed what you have learned, knowledge is a weapon make sure that they don't use it against you , take your pet to walks and spend time with your pet , take care of your mom , plant some plants in your garden , probably petunias or chrysanthemum, if you're worried about the magic you lost it's all yet to be rediscovered, get in touch with your old hobbies , what you liked to do as a child do you still love doing it , then do it , don't let things that you love go . You should start studying little by little , they know you have been facing problems but as you bring more focus and discipline in your life this problem will be solved . And definitely definitely speak up for your needs don't be guilty to take what you deserve, you are here for a beautiful reason , embrace normality and embrace greatness whatever makes you happy.

Pile 3 :

Hello my dear pile 3 💛, your ancestors adore you so much 😭 you're being addressed as a sugar plum babe 😭💛 you guys are definitely so adorable, the life the light everyone finds inspiration from ,you're a muse , you're an artist , they appreciate your creativity and want to see more of it , especially they love it when you do your traditional dance , you look so beautiful, they say you were brought into the family as a blessing a boon and you've been the reason to so much prosperity, you will be blessed with something soon , at times you may feel lost because you have been there for everyone but who has been there for you , you have learnt to stay alone but you can open up to the right people , go out roam around maybe you will find someone or something worth your love , do you guys cook or something do it more you're great at it and even if you're a beginner you will be give it more practice, you could also go watch sunsets near beaches , you feel a deep sense of familiarity with water, someone in your ancestry could know how to work with elemental water to gain knowledge and memory, i get a visual of a women in blue dress very tall , one second she reminds me of African orisha Yemaya and Oya as well maybe someone down your line used to work with them, they will always look after you , 😭💛they wanna say go little rockstar it's so cute ah 🥺💛.

Thank you so much for reading, kindly leave a feedback if you resonate, have a great day / night 🧡🧡

[ecoamerica]

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[oneatlatime]

The Warriors of Kyoshi

Two in one day, look at me go! Do not expect this rate going forward.

Before we start. I'd like to give thanks to the writers for putting the place name in the episode title. As someone who has been attempting to spell things phonetically, but has no familiarity with non-english names and has therefore screwed up many many times, I am grateful.

I really didn't notice Zuko's voice in the last episode but he's back to sounding like a muppet in this one.

My man that meditation is not working. Nor is the hair. After that burst of flame how do you have hair left?

Somehow I missed last episode that they had named the lemur. Welcome to the gang, Momo!

So this is going to be the 'Sokka faces his sexism' episode. I'm going to get really nitpicky here. Sokka says "You need to give girls space when they do their sewing" and Katara responds "What does me being a girl have to do with sewing?" Well, nothing actually! It's Katara who makes the leap and ties the two ideas together. Sokka then 100% puts his foot in his mouth (and follows through with getting his pants in his face) and I love the way Katara responds to it! Sew your own pants Sokka! But I gotta say, if Sokka had only kept his mouth shut he would have been in the clear.

"Where we're going you won't need any pants" is not a relaxing statement Aang.

Appa rocking the Justin Bieber look.

Guess Katara threw those pants harder than I thought she did. He's only got one tooth left.

'Lookit me! Lookit me! Mom are you looking? Mom did you see me? Mom are you watching? Mom did you see? Mom watch this! Mom look at me!' -Aang, while harassing the local wildlife.

Growing up in the South Pole, jumping into any body of water is absolutely insane, so yeah this tracks.

I love how Momo is the most enthusiastic watcher.

What do koi eat? There must be a lot of it here.

The fish is doing all the work!

Nessie on roids.

They caught Momo! I love how this implies that Momo carries the same status as a threat that the humans do. They don't blindfold him though. Do you think they had a bag big enough for Appa?

Yikes this is turning into an after school special. Rule of thumb: if you have to flanderize your character in order to make them objectionable enough to be a candidate for the lesson of the week, maybe that's not the right character to use to teach the lesson?

Is this Water tribe or Earth kingdom territory? The warriors are in green, but everyone else is in water tribe blue. Assuming the colour coding we've seen with fire and water extends to earth, maybe the warriors are assigned there?

Kyoshi is a place and a person. Now picturing Aangland. Also I guess the warriors are from here after all.

Aang is really good at finding ideally placed sharp edges on which to cut his ropes.

I like the game of telephone sequence and how the colours gradually change from blue to red.

Needs to eat but too tired to get up. We've all been there buddy.

Katara absolutely going for the jugular in the breakfast scene. Speaking of, Sokka's line reads in that whole scene are just beautiful. Offended and cranky, but still showing genuine appreciation for breakfast.

First time Katara's made me laugh out loud. She's spot on.

This painter's line reads are great too!

Your dance lesson? Sokka you're letting me down. You're making me want to watch the warriors beat you up. You're the best warrior in your village? You're the only warrior in your village. You won by default. (Although it must be said that he does refer to his potty break pals as warriors, so maybe he thinks of himself as the best of many).

Sokka how is your shirt staying closed? And you totally brought that on yourself.

Passed out Momo.

Oh lord AANGY?

Do you think one of those warriors could be convinced to do the Sokka treatment on Aang too? His head's getting a little big. Parallels!

Warrior lady Sookie has some very poor line readings. She's not helped by the fact that she's contrasted with Sokka, whose voice actor is probably the best in the show.

Aangy seen here being very unmonkly. The back and forth here is great.

"I got you!" Yeah Sookie he did. "You're not going to get it in one day, even I'm not that good." Maybe you aren't but Sokka is.

Nessie on roids has enough thinking skills to use his own self as a table. Well done Nessie. Don't hurt yourself.

Did the airbender forget he could airbend? He's being flung around through the AIR by Nessie. Just bend!

It's a good thing Katara is a waterbender, otherwise going into the water while wearing head to toe furs would have absolutely drowned her.

How does Katara know Zuko's name? Or recognise his ship?

How does Katara bend water out of Aangy's lungs? Doesn't she have no training at all? I feel like that could have gone horribly.

Momo includes himself in the 'girls come quickly' statement.

This has Mexican stand off vibes, as does the music. Also why are people hiding from firebenders in wooden houses?

This is why I don't like after school special plots. Sokka's been learning their technique for a couple of days and he's already better at it than Sookie. Which retroactively justifies all his patronising sexism from earlier in the episode.

Fire breakdancing is shockingly efficient. He took out three opponents while flat on the ground. Also Zuko is getting some serious air on his jumps.

That's twice now that Zuko has reacted to Aang's presence by saying "Finally."

Did Zuko happen to be carrying a bag of coal dust? Either way he's dead.

Shmymbolism!

Katara gives the single most stupid advice possible 'get inside this flammable building children!' and follows it with straight up lying to Aang's face. I'm glad he called her on it. And I'm glad she was so quick to change back to what she's been trying to tell him the whole episode (we need to LEAVE). You were right all along Katara, don't bend the truth now to make him feel better.

BIG SIGH. I don't know if this is bad writing, bad line reading, or both. It's just so corny.

So now he remembers he's an airbender. Also I hope he had some sort of air shield when he hit the water.

Roid Nessie's water breathing dragon traits coming in handy. And I thought that was just worldbuilding. That's two episodes in a row where what looked like worldbuilding was also plot. Sneaky!

Ha! They're going to rust.

Appa caught him! With his paws!

If I was the leader of Kyoshi, I gotta say I wouldn't be thanking the avatar. Thank you for luring the fire nation to our previously neutral territory and then having the decency to fix the immediate problem that caused, though long term we're still screwed. Assuming that Zuko's actions represent fire nation actions, Kyoshi's neutrality is gone and the houses no longer have roofs. Do you think the fire nation does reprisals?

So pretty.

And I've been spelling Suki incorrectly. I guess the gimme with the episode title was too good to be true. Gotta check my hubris. I need a Sokka treatment myself.

Final Thoughts

This episode ANNOYS me. First, the good:

I'm glad that the show touched on the status of avatar going to Aang's head. The first couple of episodes firmly characterised Aang as not wanting to be the avatar, but you'd have to be superhuman not to let it go to your head just a little. And Aang wouldn't be anywhere near as fun to watch if he was superhuman.

I also like that Aang explicitly verbally acknowledges that Katara was right, and that he can put into words the ways he was wrong and the lesson he learned. The lesson has a better chance of sticking if he can actually articulate it.

I like how this show is consistently sticking to actions having both good and bad consequences that can't be bended/handwaved/magic-ed away. In episode two, the flare went off and now the village at the south pole has a giant gash in it and Sokka and Katara had to leave home. In this episode, Aang stayed too long and now the village has burned down. There's no magic fix. This makes the world of the show feel real, and feel like something that's worth caring about. Actual stakes mean actual investment by the viewer is not wasted.

Katara got a turn with the brain! She was right about Sokka being a sexist jerk, right about Aang getting a big head, right about Zuko following them if they leave. I like Katara being right.

The bad:

I am not liking the direction that Aang and Katara's relationship is going. It's fine for Aang to have a little crush, and it's fine for Katara to baby him (he is younger, and judging by the ages of all the children in her village apart from her brother, Katara's been a mini-mom for a while). But it's jarring when those opposing perceptions are so blatantly juxtaposed. I think this is one of the places where the fact that I'm an adult and this show is for kids is making itself known. If I had watched this at 8 or 9 years old, I probably wouldn't have even picked up on the opposing dynamics. I can't quite articulate why it doesn't sit well with me. It just doesn't.

And now, the Sokka arc. BIG SIGH. Sokka needed to grow past his sexist tendencies. No argument there. But his sexism boils down to believing in the gendering of tasks and that said gendering has a basis in fact. That there are man things and woman things. That men ARE better at man things and women ARE better at women things, with the corresponding (though unacknowledged) belief that women are worse at man things and men are worse at woman things. Sokka was supposed to have these beliefs challenged and ultimately overturned in this episode by meeting, and being beaten up by, Suki and her warriors, women who excel at (what Sokka thinks of as) man things. Suki and her warriors do challenge the first part of Sokka's original beliefs, that being a warrior is a man thing. But after a 45 second training montage he gets the best of her.

Being a warrior seems to be Suki's full time job. We never see her out of her armour; this is her role in the village, a role she has presumably trained for for many years. And Sokka gets the best of her in the training room, and fends off Zuko after she fails to do so herself. If Sokka surpasses Suki so quickly at what she has devoted her life to, I guess being a warrior is naturally easier for men. And sure, women CAN be warriors, Sokka outright says it (although Suki kind of has to correct him as he only get halfway there), but putting aside the dialogue and looking at the action, Sokka's just better.

For that matter, given that Sokka was quite literally the only man over four years old in his village, he must have been used to seeing women fulfilling a male role. Unless his demonstrated subpar fishing skills could feed the whole village, the women were going hunting. Which is why I said he was flanderized earlier. He might want to believe in the gendering of tasks because it makes him feel manlier or more connected to his interpretation of his culture, or heck maybe it give him a sense of purpose or makes him miss his dad less, just spitballing here. But there's no way he hasn't spent every day since the men left for war seeing that belief be contradicted. And sure, he could have some cognitive dissonance going on, especially since he seems to have staked his whole identity on his manliness, but would that cognitive dissonance be enough to insult a pack of warriors to their face while tied up, then insult them even worse while they're actively practising with their weapons? I guess teenage boys have done stupider.

I'm probably reading too much into this.

The meh:

Zuko in this episode is literally just filling the villain of the week slot, and serious step down in narrative focus after the last episode, where he got a whole arc.

So I have problems with this episode. I like the avatar stuff temporarily going to Aang's head, but I don't think it redeems the rest of the episode. It won't be going on my rewatch list.

Last, totally vain complaint: this episode was nowhere near as pretty as the Southern Air Temple. That one had beautiful contrasts with blue/purple air and red/orange fire. This one is just beige.

[maggicktouched]

@bokketo this was supposed to be SHORT and it hit me out of nowhere. I was just going to shoot the idea at you in discord but I got the urge to write it out.

She'd practically been born with a needle and thread in her hand. As a young girl, it'd been absolutely impossible to get her to sit still for any length of time, so her mummi began teaching her the very basics of sewing and knitting and embroidery work as soon as she was old enough to be trusted not to thrust the needle straight into her eye. Even her mother had found the hobby respectable---that or she was simply happy to have anything that kept the little girl out of her hair and quiet. As an adult, she could make just about anything she set her mind to.

Currently, that was a complete reconstruction of the view of her gardens from the sitting room on the second story. It had her favorite window in the manor with a breath-taking view of the many rows of brightly colored blossoms and painstakingly groomed bushes. The wonder of it and the peace that it brought her could likely never be perfectly captured in anything, but with enough dedication, the shimmering threads on her hoop were getting close.

She hummed contentedly in her concentration. Now and again she'd mutter a few words from an old familiar folk song as her fingers twisted the thread around the needle to make another French-knot. She didn't hear the sound of footsteps in the corridor outside the open door; it wasn't necessary to be so guarded here. No matter how much they disagreed or occasionally quarreled, Draco had never allowed anything to harm her---especially not here within the walls of their home. It wasn't until the fire blazed to life across the room that she even realized he'd come in.

"Draco, is everything alright?" She asked gently, eyeing the book and small stack of papers he was setting out on the desk across the room.

"There's a chill upstairs." He replied, taking a seat in front of his work and turning away from her.

"We---are upstairs, my love." Beck gave him an odd look, trying to decipher just what on earth he was up to.

"Very observant, darling." She could just barely see the way he tried to cover up a smirk as he looked over his work.

Beck pushed the needle through her fabric and did her very best not to look amused. Smart-mouthed little bugger.

"Did the fireplace in your office collapse entirely, then?" She could be cheeky too, if that's what they were doing.

"Hardly." He muttered, pausing to scribble something on a bit of paper. "One fire was hardly going to heat the whole house."

But the elves could have lit the others. She thought to herself. "Oh. And you needed your books to---remind you how to do a fire spell?"

He shot her a look as if to say 'you've got to know how ridiculous you sound' and then turned back to whatever he was writing. "It's late. I don't feel like walking back."

"I see." She didn't bother to hide the little smile on her face as she returned to her work. Why he felt the need to make up pretend reasons to spend time with her, she couldn't fathom, but it was sweet nonetheless. Beck turned her attention back to the garden scene in front of her, resuming the monotonous, almost meditative motion with her needle and thread. Only this time she stayed quiet, because given the hour, whatever Draco was working on was likely important. Only the fire crackling and the occasional scratch of a quill could be heard.

After several minutes, she saw him look up from the corner of her eye.

"Why did you stop?" His tone was as mild as ever, but he narrowed his eyes curiously when she met his gaze.

"Stop what? Singing? I assumed you were trying to concentrate." She briefly sat aside her work and took a sip of her tea that had long since gone cold. He hadn't been totally wrong, there was a chill in the room that she hadn't noticed until he'd lit the fire. She curled her legs up beside her and tilted her head ever so slightly. "Do you---want me to continue?"

Draco sat up a bit straighter and turned back around with a shrug, as if he hadn't been the one to ask in the first place. "It's your house. Do whatever you please."

That's a yes. She thought, pursing her lips together lightly to hide a small chuckle. Beck reached over and took her needle in hand once more, humming a low, gentle tune, and felt, for one rare instance, completely content.

[yeshens]

@ruinado , continued .

The consistent curve of his back, slumped forward to closely watch the tip of his lance as it hit the whetstone, had started to weigh him down altogether. The campfire had reduced to a barely-lively couple of flares, and he started to suspect the strain from squinting had started to bring forth a headache. Perhaps Dorothea had noticed that too, or, less optimistically, her presence had been entirely coincidental. Ferdinand knew which option he was inclined towards, if only to soothe that same war-weary fatigue he could recognize in her as well. He straightened then, and found himself interrupted just as he was about to return her greeting in kind.

At the mention of their past, his grip on the whetstone faltered just so: like with most emotions, Ferdinand had never worn surprise with subtlety.

“...Correct. Sharing them over tea had been my intention all along, but… after you left, my appetite trailed off behind you. Fortunately, Bernadetta seemed to appreciate my generosity after I offered them to her.” His smile was fond for many reasons, and before it could turn into something more curious, Dorothea managed to startle his pulse into quickening with a single, simple reveal, which wasn’t actually that simple to him. “You made these? For me alone? Ah, no, forgive my presumption, I was merely...” Stating his wishful thinking aloud? he couldn’t say that, either. Ferdinand felt the same liquid warmth that spread over his chest reach his face, and he thanked the heavens the lighting was poor. “...Er, regardless! As I am deeply touched by your thoughtfulness, I shall repay you by way of—! Huh?”

All at once, his body temperature runs cold, and his frantic display of gratitude is quieted into shock. Huh?

“O-oh, it was... a joke... yes, I should have known. They do seem rather familiar, now that I look at them closely.” Despite the great wave of disappointment washing at his feet, he chuckled, mostly at himself. “I’m grateful, nonetheless,” a brief pause of his own, voice crystalline, maybe the slightest bit cheeky, “You were thinking of me, after all.”

She was quiet, and he let her. Silence was a luxury they could hardly afford, unless they seeked it late into the night or early at dawn. Besides Dorothea, however, the quiet was nothing short of meditation. When she next spoke, he turned his body to face her. In that moment, a particularly resilient flame made the bonfire crackle, persevering still.

He had pondered that future often. It was best he thought of it through idealization if he hoped to keep a semblance of faith amidst the setbacks they had endured, and one aspect of his plans kept him obstinate: life after the war, or rather, home, beyond any material representation. In other words, Dorothea. It’s what he envisioned, at the very least, when he thought of the notion. His heart wouldn’t settle, but he willed himself to safekeep those aspirations. Until the war ended, that is.

“When we win the war,” He began, voice even and effectively single-minded as he reached for the hand atop her lap, gently squeezing it in further reassurance,  "I shall prepare them as often as you'd like me to.”

she watches his expression change,  the way it falls,  and all at once,  dorothea wonders if her harmless prank had been unintentionally hurtful.   she hadn’t meant to prod at barely scabbed over wounds,  truly,  and of all things,  dorothea hadn’t expected ferdinand to perceive the joke to be at his expense instead of hers.

ferdinand,  being who he is,  seems to have brushed it off,  but the guilt gnaws at her all the same.

“   i’ll hold you to that,  then.   and maybe…   maybe you could teach me how to make them,  too?   ”   she gives him the smallest of smiles,  her gaze tracing the way firelight flickers over his skin,  and she wants.   wants to not be in a war,  wants to have her friends back with her,  wants the easy routine of classes and chores and not having to worry about whether she’d be alive this time the next day,  wants this moment they’ve carved out for themselves to last a little longer.   even if it dragged out into forever,  dorothea wouldn’t find it in herself to complain.   it’s a pity she can’t have any of it,  but she’s used to that,  too.

there are so many things she can’t take for granted anymore,  dorothea knows.

“   but for now,   ”   dorothea turns the palm of her hand upwards to meet ferdinand’s,  her shoulder falling to rest against his,   “   eat.   and then it’s about time we got some sleep,  don’t you think?   ”

[cqlfeels]

@lansplaining encouraged me to finish this random meta nobody asked for, so let's talk about Meng Yao, Meng Shi, and 孟母三遷 (mèng mǔ sān qiān), a proverb about good parenting.

A warning: this is super long (even for me!) and is less quality meta and more my ADHD brain jumping around a maze of loosely related ideas. Proceed with caution!

Let me start by briefly going through why I decided to write this, because it’s important. In haunting Meng Shi’s tag in my starvation for Meng Shi content, I’ve multiple times come across the idea that Meng Shi pushed Meng Yao too hard, that she should’ve been more careful with teaching him to seek his father’s approval at any cost, and that she was too naïve. I’ve never reblogged this kind of post because 1) I personally think it’s rude to go out of your way to ramble about how much you disagree with someone on their own post and 2) if this was an isolated incident I wouldn't care either way, so I didn’t want to direct this rant at anyone in particular. It’s more to do with a tendency, primarily (as far as I can tell) from fans who haven’t had much contact with Chinese culture, to oversimplify Meng Shi and make her relationship with Meng Yao slightly disturbing, and I think part of it is due to CQL basically cutting out her entire storyline (so fans simply don’t have info about her to assess her fairly) and part is due to misunderstanding what a good parent is supposed to act like in the context of Ancient China.

[Of course, Ancient China is not a very useful historical concept, not any more than “ye olde Europe” - things change a lot based on time and place - but you know. It’s fantasy. Extremely broad trends are okay in this case.]

Anyway, the idea behind the posts I mentioned is, basically, that Meng Shi (usually through no fault of her own) is to blame for Meng Yao’s obsession with power, since his desire for approval was inherited from lessons she taught him. Just to start with, I’d argue that Meng Yao isn’t power-hungry as much as he craves security and respect, but that’s a different meta. Let’s assume that she really did teach him to be Like That. Was she wrong to do so? I’m not looking for “does that make for a happy, well-adjusted childhood?” or “would you raise your own son as Meng Shi did?” - I’m trying to figure out, would she have been considered a bad mother in the context of the society she lived in? I don’t think she would’ve.

It is surprisingly hard to find texts about the obligations of parents in Ancient China. Their main obligation is to raise filial children, but I feel like that’s not very useful: whether or not parents are good parents, children are expected to be filial, so a child being filial really says more about the child than about the parent. Maybe the parent completely missed the mark and society at large was what taught the child to be filial!

We can assume, of course, that parents were to raise good people, and that by learning what a good person looked like, we could figure out whether the parent was successful, but once again, I feel like that’s pinning things on the outcome, not on the process - the best of parents can end up with an awful kid and vice versa.

While thinking about all this, it took me a frankly embarrassing amount of time to remember the story of Mother Meng and Meng Zi, but once I did, it wouldn’t leave my mind - in part because the Meng here is the exact same Meng of Meng Shi and Meng Yao (yay! fun if useless parallel!), and in part because this is a story about how a woman can successfully raise a son by herself.

Okay, so important note: one of the most influential ancient Chinese thinkers is Meng Zi (孟子 Mèng Zǐ), who is known in the West as Mencius. If you've never heard of him - he's perhaps second in importance only to Confucius. When Mencius was still a young child, his father died, so he was raised by his mother, who is usually known only as Mother Meng (in Chinese, 孟母 Mèng Mǔ.)

Mother Meng's story is told in Biographies of Exemplary Women (列女傳 Liènǚ Zhuàn), which for around 2000 years beginning around the 18th century BCE, was the most commonly used book used to educate women. The book is divided into sections, each one showing a different way women could be honorable and good. Mother Meng's story is told in the Maternal Models section (母儀傳 Mǔ Yí Zhuàn.) The story has a few parts, some of which I'll quote, always from Kinney's 2014 translation.

Before I go on to quote it, though, I'd like to establish that Mother Meng's story is so, so famous that even if Meng Shi had never read this particular book, I'm almost certain she would've been familiar with at least the outlines of Mother Meng's story. I'm not cherry picking a suitable chapter from the book, I'm literally going with the most famous story in it because Meng Shi would be most likely to know this one if she knew no other story.

Okay, the first part of the tale takes place when Mencius is a young boy and Mother Meng is a widow raising him.

The mother of Meng Ke of Zou [a different name for Mencius] was called Mother Meng. She lived near a graveyard. During Mencius’ youth, he enjoyed playing among the tombs, romping about pretending to prepare the ground for burials. Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son.” She therefore moved away and settled beside the marketplace. But there he liked to play at displaying and selling wares like a merchant. Again Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son,” and once more left and settled beside a school. There, however, he played at setting out sacrificial vessels, bowing, yielding, entering, and withdrawing. His mother said, “This, indeed, is where I can raise my son!” and settled there. When Mencius grew up, he studied the Six Arts, and finally became known as a great classicist. A man of discernment would say, “Mother Meng was good at gradual transformation.”

According to the translator's footnote, "gradual transformation" is "a childrearing technique, whereby a child is morally formed through daily exposure to correct models of behavior."

From this story comes the proverb 孟母三遷 (Mèng Mǔ sān qiān) - "Mother Meng moved three times." It's come to mean that a parent - especially the mother of a male child - should spare no efforts to provide an environment that will give their child a good education, paying particular attention to what models are surrounding them.

I'm sure I don't need to say if Meng Shi was at all familiar with this proverb (and she would probably be), she must have been very stressed out over literally raising her son in a brothel. (Here I must mention sex workers in ancient China were often essentially owned by the brothels, so literally "moving three times" wasn't really an option for Meng Shi even if she could miraculously pick up another trade.) Meng Shi did however at least try to surround Meng Yao with the accomplishments appropriate for the son of a cultivator:

Xiao-Meng, are you still learning those things lately? [...] The things your mom wants you to learn, things like calligraphy, etiquette, swordsmanship, meditation… How are those things going? [...] His mom’s raising him as a young master of a wealthy family. She taught him how to read and write, bought him all those swordsmanship pamphlets, and even wants to send him to school.

Meng Yao actually talks a little bit about “those swordsmanship pamphlets” in the only time in canon he directly shares memories about this mother:

Lan XiChen, “Your [guqin] skills are also considered quite fine outside of Gusu. Were they taught by your mother?”

Jin GuangYao, “No. I taught myself by watching others. She never taught me such things. She only taught me reading and writing, and bought a handful of expensive sword and cultivation guides for me to practice.”

Lan XiChen seemed surprised, “Sword and cultivation guides?”

Jin GuangYao, “Brother, you haven’t seen them before, have you? Those small booklets sold by the common folk. First jumbled sketches of human figures, then deliberately mystified captions.”

Lan XiChen shook his head, smiling. Jin GuangYao shook his head as well, “All of them are scams, especially to fool women like my mother and ignorant children. You won’t lose anything by practicing them, but you definitely won’t gain anything either.”

He sighed in a rueful way, “But how could my mother have known this? She bought them no matter how expensive they were, saying that if I returned to see my father in the future, I had to see him with as much competence as possible so that I don’t fall behind. All of the money was spent on this.”

See what’s happening? Meng Shi cannot physically take Meng Yao to cultivators, but she spares no efforts in giving him the closest thing she possibly can -- figuratively, we might say she moved three times.

Of course, these booklets don’t work, but as Meng Yao says, how could she have known this? The cultivation world is very closed off - think of how the entire Mo household gathers to see Lan juniors, and how Wei Wuxian mentions once that “Cultivation families, in the eyes of common folk, are like people favored by God, mysterious yet noble.” Not just noble, but mysterious. That tracks, too - I mean, they live in inaccessible households and mostly leave to night hunt or visit each other, neither of which is an activity that would allow commoners to get much more than an occasional glimpse of them.

Now, if Meng Shi doesn’t even know that a pearl for Jin Guangshan was just a trinket, if she doesn’t know even the wealth of a major sect, how can she read booklets and decide whether that’s genuine cultivation or not? All that she sees is a chance for Meng Yao to be surrounded by the ideas and skills of the people she wants him to emulate - cultivators - and therefore she does everything she can to get him that chance. Mother Meng moved three times.

Okay, but maybe the argument is not “Meng Shi shouldn’t have pushed Meng Yao to cultivation” but rather “she should’ve pushed him, just not too hard." To that, I present another tale from Mencius' childhood:

Once, when Mencius was young, he returned home after finishing his lessons and found his mother spinning. She asked him, “How far did you get in your studies today?” Mencius replied, “I’m in about the same place as I was before.” Mother Meng thereupon took up a knife and cut her weaving. Mencius was alarmed and asked her to explain. Mother Meng said, “Your abandoning your study is like my cutting this weaving. A man of discernment studies in order to establish a name and inquires to become broadly knowledgeable. By this means, when he is at rest, he can maintain tranquility and when he is active, he can keep trouble at a distance. If now you abandon your studies, you will not escape a life of menial servitude and will lack the means to keep yourself from misfortune. How is this different from weaving and spinning to eat? If one abandons these tasks midway, how can one clothe one’s husband and child and avoid being perpetually short of food? If a woman abandons that with which she nourishes others and a man is careless about cultivating his virtue, if they don’t become brigands or thieves, then they will end up as slaves or servants.” Mencius was afraid. Morning and evening he studied hard without ceasing. He served Zisi [a great scholar whose grandfather was Confucius] as his teacher and then became one of the most renowned classicists in the world.

Notice that Mother Meng moved three times to ensure Mencius would have the highest of aspirations - to become a scholar. But just aspiration isn’t enough. Not by any means. Now that Mencius is actually studying, Mother Meng is willing to take an extreme action to ensure he's taking it seriously. Mencius doesn't have a father to smooth his path to success. He has to learn that aspiring to greatness isn't enough. He'll have to put in the effort as if his life depended on it. And if he doesn't persist in his hard work, everything he's done thus far will be useless. Sounds like a lesson imparted on young Meng Yao, doesn’t it?

A lot of fandom rage towards Meng Shi would apply to China's Best Mom Contender, Mother Meng. She gives her son big dreams, and teaches him how to go about achieving them in a society where failing is easier than succeeding. Yes, it's fair to say that Meng Shi taught Meng Yao to refuse to settle for anything less than being “Jin Guangshan's son, a respected cultivator.” Yes, it's also fair to say that she probably didn't allow him much time to play like children his age did. But unfortunately, in the world of MDZS, poor children probably wouldn't get to play anyhow, the difference is that they'd usually be working, not studying. Studying is a privilege! It’s a privilege Meng Yao could not afford but was given to him anyway, through his mother’s many sacrifices. We can even say that while she was alive, Meng Shi was trying to ensure Meng Yao would one day have a better life, at the expense of a fun childhood - and that's very Mother Meng of her, whatever our modern Western sensibilities might have to say about that.

Finally, I’d skip other tales (which show Mother Meng and an adult Mencius) and go straight to the poem that ends the Mother Meng section:

The mother of Mencius

Was able to teach, transform, judge, and discriminate.

With skill she selected a place to raise her son,

Prompting him to accord with the great principles.

When her son’s studies did not advance,

She cut her weaving to illustrate her point.

Her son then perfected his virtue;

His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.

I’d like to focus on the last verse - “His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.” All that Mother Meng wanted was for Mencius to not completely ruin his life, but he became great. You can so very easily see a parallel with how Meng Shi hoped Meng Yao would be a cultivator but he became Jin Guangyao, Chief Cultivator, styled Lianfang-zun, one of the Three Venerable, hero of the Sunshot Campaign.

Of course you can say “Jin Guangyao did many Very Wrong Things to get there, though!” Which, sure, okay, fair point. How many and how wrong depends on which canon we're discussing, and your own interpretation, but there’s no version of the story in which Jin Guangyao is 100% an innocent child uwu. But blaming that on Meng Shi is just... straight up weird? I don’t see anyone going “If Jiang Fengmian hadn’t adopted Wei Wuxian, he’d never have dared become Yiling Laozu!” and that’s pretty much the same logic. Would street kid Wei Wuxian have invented a new type of cultivation if he had never been taken in by the Jiang? Probably not, but raising undead armies is very much not something Jiang Fengmian could’ve predicted. In the same way, how could Meng Shi have predicted that teaching her pre-adolescent son “You are the son of a cultivator, act like one and earn your place in society” would’ve ultimately resulted in innocent deaths? How could she predict “You’re not destined to having the same horrible life I did, you can get something better than this” was a bad thing to teach? I quite honestly don’t know.

Finally, I'd like to point towards a much flimsier evidence that Meng Shi did great as a parent. And that is Meng Yao’s love. Nie Huaisang at some point comments Meng Shi is someone who Meng Yao "cherishes more than his life," and I think his assessment is correct.

Even putting aside the fact he built a whole temple to get his mother to reincarnate into a better life, and even putting aside how he refuses to flee the country without her remains, there's still crystal clear evidence that Meng Shi must've done something right. Because a lifetime of people using his mother to bully him doesn't seem to have made Meng Yao resent her. Had their relationship not have been very strong, odds are he'd feel bitter and/or ashamed of her. That doesn't seem to be the case. He's attached to her even decades after her death.

I want to be very careful with equating mutual affection with good parenting, though. When I was a rather rebellious teenager, my mother (in typical Chinese fashion) used to say that parents and children don't have to love each other as long as they're dutiful to each other, by which she meant that a parent-child relationship isn't informed by warm and fuzzy feelings, but by whether you'd be willing to do anything for each other. Specific to my case, she meant "I don't care if it makes you hate me, you will do as you're told because that's what's best for you." (That may also be the reason why people more familiar with Chinese culture see the Jiang family less as outright abusive and more as #complicated, but that's another meta.)

Whether your kid wants to hug you every time they see you is of no consequence to traditional Chinese thought - raising them to be the best they can is all that matters, because at the end of the day, you won't be around forever, but you can definitely set up your kid's life so that it goes smoothly and virtuously. How that's accomplished varies depending on many factors, but to have the goal be "I want my child to love me" rather than "I want to raise my child right" would've been considered selfish as hell.

So even if all that Meng Shi had given Meng Yao had been stern lessons about the need to go get his birthright, she would've still have been considered a good mother!! In fact, she would've been doing everything she was supposed to do, under extremely difficult conditions! (Remember the importance of environment? That Meng Yao grew up to want to be a cultivator despite having probably never even met one speaks wonders about Meng Shi's childrearing powers!!)

But just based off how over the top Meng Yao's filal dutifulness is, I'd go a step further and say that even as she did the impossible, she was also loving enough to inspire genuine affection. This is complicated because children who have present fathers could expect their mothers to be tender with them. The first century BCE text 禮記 Lǐ Jì or The Classic of Rites says that:

Here now is the affection of a father for his sons - he loves the worthy among them, and places on a lower level those who do not show ability; but that of a mother for them is such, that while she loves the worthy, she pities those who do not show ability - the mother deals with them on the ground of affection and not of showing them honour; the father, on the ground of showing them honour and not of affection.

But when the father figure is lacking for any reason, the mother must abandon her tenderness because someone must guide the child, and without a father, the role falls to the mother. A single or widowed mother had to be very careful to not smother their children with affection and raise useless, spoiled kids, or so it was thought. (The presence of Qingheng-jun and Lan Qiren is why Madame Lan can be so affectionate with the Lan boys, by the way - if she was raising them by herself she would've been expected to be much more practical. AUs where she just gets her kids and runs away could do very cool things with this idea. But I digress!)

Where was I? Oh, okay. Because Meng Yao seems to not just respect, but actively miss her, it seems that Meng Shi somehow managed to deal with her son on the ground of both honor and affection, to paraphrase.

So basically, all things considered, it seems not only would Meng Shi have been considered a great mom (if people could look past her being a prostitute, anyway) but she also went above and beyond the bare minimum. She truly spared no efforts on any front to make sure her son had everything your average gongzi would have - someone to teach him and someone to love him, access to education and confidence in his birthright. That she couldn't actually make him a cultivator, that she couldn't actually raise him in a proper home with no one being cruel to herself or him - that's immaterial. Even Mother Meng couldn't control what her neighbors did, only what she taught her son! The key point is Meng Shi tried. She did everything she could to educate her son right. You couldn't ask more of her, and quite honestly, you should probably be asking less.

Of course we can't err on the other extreme and say she was Perfect. Given MXTX only ever writes flawed characters, we can safely assume that if we'd known more about Meng Shi, we would've seen many flaws. Indeed, just the fact she didn't teach Meng Yao the guqin when he apparently wanted to learn it might point to some conflict we don't know enough to speculate about (maybe she focused too much on cultivation when Meng Yao's interests lay elsewhere? Maybe she wasn't able to sufficiently shelter him and he felt it'd be a burden to ask her to teach him anything? Maybe maybe maybe, go wild with your fics.) Nevertheless, I would never hold a female character to a higher ideal than a male character - if the male cast of MDZS can be a hot mess and still be admirable for what they're trying to do, then so can Meng Shi.

At the end of the day, when I look at Meng Shi - and I've made myself a document with all the references to her in the novel canon so I could easily contemplate her life and character - all I see is a woman every bit as determined and resourceful as her son, willing to do everything it took to raise her little boy into the sophisticated and ambitious man he became.

Finally, here's a fun little parallel that I'm 100% sure was unintentional but I still love. I said Meng Shi couldn't have moved three times. She couldn't, but I think maybe she taught her son he was worth moving three times for. Qinghe Nie. Qishan Wen. Lanling Jin. Isn't that super fun to think about?

Alternatively, tl;dr: Oh My God I Can't Believe We're Blaming Women For The Actions Of Their Adult Children In The Year Of Our Lord 2k21, Meng Shi Was Doing Her Best, Chill!

[just-someone-who-likes-to-write]

Soulmate AU

(Requested by: @deathordesire​ :  Hello!! I saw your prompts are open--would you be open to doing Nuada x human female reader? I really like the idea that they are mates or mate au and hes like jajshshe omg humans but likes her and all. Lemme know what you think! )

(A/N): I am sorry for the long wait, and sorry if the story or ending wasn’t as perfect as you would have probably expected, but I still hope that you and others would enjoy it! Sorry if it’s too long!!

Warnings: Grammatical Errors, Gore, harsh words. I don’t know what else to add.

Word Count: 7,021

Now, Nuada remembers the first time he felt that pull for the first time towards you. It happened the night he broke into the human organization where they kept his sister from him, he silently was killing every guard he met on his way, and you were assigned there. Your back was to him as you chatted with your colleague, and he took the chance of your distraction to strike, he sprinted towards both of you, your friend noticed him too late and the only thing he could manage was to open his mouth to warn you, but before he could do it his throat was cut, you were pushed forcefully against the wall and just as he turned around with his sword lifted to slice your throat as well he froze when his golden eyes fill on yours. You looked at him with wide eyes with fear, but his eyes were widened by shock, The hand which held the sword stuck in the air. He could not kill you, for some bizarre reason he could not kill you, it felt wrong, a fatal mistake. He finally moved when he saw you reaching out for your communication device, turning his blade upside down Nuada used the butt of his sword to knock you out unconscious. He stood there over your body starting at down at you, a strange ache started to form inside of him for hurting. Forcing the feeling away, he continued moving to his sister's location, ignoring what had happened with you, but it was difficult for whenever he wasn't preoccupied with other thoughts, an image of you immediately popped into his mind with the question if you were alright. It frustrated him greatly and he promised himself that when he takes over that he will make sure to kill you himself or at least see your dead body, which would be dead by his golden army.

That plan failed of course because here he was locked up in the humans' jail after his defeat against the demon they call Hellboy. Aside from his sister visiting him, he tried to spend his time practicing martial arts and then meditating, which proved to be challenging because for a while you kept popping in his thoughts until finally it was over and he got his peace forgetting about your existence completely. However, those forgotten thoughts came crashing down when he got his freedom by agreeing to help the human against those who threaten the balance between the two worlds, he saw you passing them by when his sister was giving him a tour around the building, you were busy reading papers and didn't notice him, but he sure as Hell noticed you, and from the twinkle familiarity in his sister's eyes as she saw you. Just before she could lift her hand and call for you Nuada brought her hand down and forced her forward and be away from you as fast as possible. Nuala was confused by his action.

 "Why did you do that?" She asked.

 "I don't want to meet any of your human friends." He answered coolly.

 It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the true answer either, which left Nuala feelings suspicious before shrugging it off and continuing the tour. Nuada knew that meeting you was inevitable but he still hoped not to have to meet you face to face. But here you were assigned to be the one who teaches him the rules in the training room and to his surprise and dare he say relief, you didn't show fear as most humans do. You just kept a nonchalant façade.

"… And of course, when you do train use nonlethal weapons, so we  can avoid accidents." You said as you pointed to the training equipment.

 "Don't try to give me orders human." He threatened but you looked unfazed, you turned to him and looked him in the eyes as you replied.

 "Or what? You will knock me out again?" You asked calmly. "Because if you took a good look around you can see that we are being watched."

 And you told the truth, you were being watched not only by a couple of humans who were there to train but also by the security cameras. Nuada growled down at you but you only smirked in return.

 He tried so bad not to smirk bad.

 He didn't understand the sudden fascination he felt towards this single human, whom later he learned her name was (Y/n), but one thing she knew is that it was bad and he needed to stop it. Remembering how time away from her helped him forget her he did his best to avoid (Y/n) and that's by locking himself in his new room and have his food brought by his sister, and if he needed company he would seek out his sister later at night when he is sure you didn't have a night shift in it, but even that was disturbed by the presence of the creature they call Abraham. The one being who was able to steal away his sister from his side. He loved seeing his sister happy, he really does, but he hated that her sore of happiness came from someone other than himself.

 "I do not understand why him." Said Nuada, when he and Nuala were alone. "Centuries ago, suitors from different clans and even different races came forward asking for your hand in marriage, and even though I despised them all, most of them was a better choice than him."

 "You still don't know?" Asked Nuala with an amused smile.

 "Know of what?" He asked.

 "Abraham is my fated mate." She answered with a shy smile.

 Nuada was shocked and left to be alone for the rest of the evening and a few more days. Nuala tried reaching him but he didn't answer, so she left him to his thoughts, believing that he was upset with her. However, Nuada was not, it was true that he did not approve of her mate but Abraham was nonetheless. Humans would call it a myth but having a "Fated Mate" was very much true, their senses were just far weaker than the supernatural beings senses, so they can never feel it when they meet "The One". They will never know how life will suddenly feel empty without them, how they will suddenly feel they have a purpose, how they will do anything to be by them. They won't be able to live without their touch, to hear her sweet laughter echo in the air, to see the shine of her bright eyes as she succeeded in something, the sound of her soft voice in his head, how his every thought… will be… occupied… by only… Her…

 Nuada shoots up at that last thought, his eyes widened in realization.

 "No…No no no no no no " He kept muttering to himself as he based around his room.

 It cannot be possible, his mate can never be a human. For centuries he dreamed of a life with a soul that was meant to him and he for them, but now, here he was with the possibility of his other half being a human. Nuada would rather live the rest of his life alone than being mated to a low-life human. In fact, an idea of a human mate sounds so absurd that Nuada was determined to prove it wrong.

 He decided to ignore her and not by leaving the same room she enters, but by ignoring her presence as if she was never there. He went to the training room at a time he knew (Y/n) would be there, as long as he doesn't think or even glance at her as he did his own training. It was difficult at first, his neck ached with every time he almost turned around to see (Y/n) at the sound of her voice but as the string warrior he is, he resisted the temptation to even glance in her direction. It was going to be a success, he could have walked out of the room, training finished and mind free from the human, but one pull, one simple feeling of pull urged him to glance at you from over his shoulder, and that's when he saw you on the floor staring with wide eyes at your opponent who was holding what looked like a glaive over his head ready to strike her. the next few moments were a blur but when Nuada realized his surrounding he found himself point the glaive at (Y/n)'s opponent who was now on the ground eyes staring at the edge of the blade in terror, and Nuada was feeling… fury.

 "You Imbecile!" He shouted. "The rules clearly stated to not use real weapons for a reason, if any harm came to (Y/n) I would-"

 He stopped the flow of his words when felt the gentlest touch on his shoulder, he turned and saw that it was a very worried (Y/n), who tried her best to put on a brave face, whether her worry was for what almost had happened to her a few moments ago or because he was holding a weapon so close to a humans neck, he didn’t know.

 "It's alright Nuada, he was just being irresponsible, but he learned his listen now." She turned to look at the fallen human. "Didn't you?"

 The human man only nodded profusely. Nuada felt (Y/n)'s soft tug on his arm, silently pleading him to spare him, and slowly he did pull away, then threw the weapon to the ground and hurriedly left the room ignoring the calls of his name, which gave a small ache in his heart for ignoring it. That night Nuada stayed in his room with his face buried in his hands trying to comprehend that he was going to draw blood and risk his freedom for (Y/n)'s sake. He doesn't even feel regret towards his action, rather a great relief to know that she is safe thanks to him. Nuada placed his left hand over his right arm, specifically over the spot that (Y/n)'s hand was on to stop him. His brows furrowed in discomfort when he remembered the look on her face, and his ears are still ringing from her voice calling him, he wanted nothing more than to go to her room to not only make sure she was safe but to apologize for ignoring her. With a groan of anger, Nuada retired to his bed and forced himself to sleep, ignoring the little voice in the back of his head that screamed at him to find their mate immediately. But the elven prince only closed his eyes and drifted into sleep hoping to escape the (H/c) headed girl only to find her invading his dreams, with sweet smiles and laughs and she gazed at him lovingly.

 ---

 "What do you mean she left?" Asked Nuada in a low threatening tone to the frightened man.

 He had come to the training room again to try and ignoring (Y/n) presence successfully this time, but deep down it was truly to see her again. However, when she was an hour late Nuada approaches the same man that he almost killed for almost harming his mate, and asked him of her whereabouts and when will she be around, only to be told that she left later that same night. She was taking a vacation for who knows how long and to where. If Nuada didn't remember the cameras that are watching him he would have probably slide the human's throat in frustration, he simply just left the room, having no longer the motivation to train.

 "Because (Y/n) isn't there for you to impress."

 Nuada just shook his head at the small voice, which had been taunting him for a long while now. He doesn't need to impress her or prove to her anything.

 "Yes, you need to prove to her that you are a capable mate whom she deserves."

 Nuada let out a loud groan that made everyone around him flinch away in fear of his sudden foul mood, escaping being the source of his relief, which means a trip to the infirmary. That's it. He needed to escape those damned thoughts that had been plaguing his mind, and meditation cannot help him anymore, he needs to shed blood, to fight. So he quickly changed his directions to reach the human in charge and demand to be sent on a mission even if it was as simple as a patrol. He needed to escape everything and anything that reminded him of (Y/n).

 ---

 You couldn't wipe away the grin from your face as you casually walked through the hallways while keeping an eye open for one special elf prince. Your colleagues had texts you multiple times over your time away and informed you of how Nuada kept asking about your whereabouts, how long will you take away, and who were you with. Your friends thought his actions were weird, but for you, it was a sign that your attempts to befriend him are working so well. He had indeed killed your colleagues in front of you, massacred many, tried to raise an ancient army to erase humanity from existence and rule overall. However, you couldn't ignore the reasoning behind it, he lost everything and he only did what he thought was right. Besides all that Nuala had told you many stories about him, how truly good and kind he was, how the war between the two worlds of humans and supernatural had ruined his mind, you could tell that there were many other reasons for Nuada's hatred towards humans but you didn't push any further with questions and just settled with what you know now. And so, when Nuada was finally free you decided to try and befriend him or at least make him feel welcomed, which proved difficult because he would snare at any human who tried getting too close to him and avoiding you like the plague. You believed that he was avoiding for the reason that his intimidation acts didn't work on you and since he can't harm you physically he decided to escape your presence.

 Until that incident in the training room.

 Your training partner was getting annoyed with the many times you kicked his butt in hand in hand combat and he thought he could at least try and intimidate you to put you in line and what better way to do so than use a freaking glaive against you. You could easily dodge his clumsy strike, but you accidentally tripped on your back, and since you had no time to move you just closed your eyes shut and waited for the pain. However, it never came, and when you opened your eyes to see the reason you were met with the back of the Elf prince who was not only yelling at the stupid man but also pointing the weapon to his neck ready to slaughter him. That made the flashback of when he slaughtered the man in front of you start and you felt as if someone dumped cold water down your back. Despite your obvious fear, you moved forward to stop him, which thankfully worked. When he left you chased after him to at least thank him for saving you but before you could go too far another agent pulled you back and told you to follow him to Manning's office to discuss what had happened.

 You are a great agent, one of the very best, but because of your gender Manning still saw you as a vulnerable thing, and that's why he offered you a fully paid vacation to calm your nerves. The man can be great at times, but most of the time he acts in a way that makes you wanna punch him in the face. However, it is rare to get a vacation in such a long time and a paid one too, so you didn't let the chance slip away from your hands. Then a few days later you were spammed with messages of how Nuada is asking about you and being more agitated than usual after your absence. You didn't want to lift your hopes up but you couldn't help the feeling of excitement you felt as you shortened your vacation to only one week just so you can hurry back and try again to befriend Nuada. The others either thought you mad out outcasted you because of it, because not only are you trying to befriend a prisoner but also the being that killed their friends and partners. You tried to explain to them that everyone made mistakes in life even severe ones and deserve a second chance, but they didn't listen. You understood their reasoning and forgave those who gave you dirty looks.

 Turning to another hallway and stopped in your tracks when you saw in the distant Nuada conversating with his sister who seemed to be very worried, however, most of your attention was on him, you had to take deep breaths to calm your beating heart. You didn't know if it was because of your teen attraction for bad boys returning, or because you reached a level of desperation that you would look any male even the murderous Elf in a different light, but what you know is deep down inside you, you could feel something the urged you to approach Nuada, you could have easily ignored it, but you always trusted your gut and now here you were.

 You took one last deep breath before walking forward to the royal siblings.

 "Hey, Nuala!" You called with a smile, and you could swear that from the corner of your eye you saw Nuada tense at your voice.

 "(Y/n)!" Nuala greeted back. "When did you return?"

 "I came back yesterday." You answered before stealing a glance at the prince who was avoiding your gaze but when your eyes met your cheeks flushed lightly at the sight of his golden eyes, but held yourself together. "Hello there."

 You tried to greet him but he only groaned before again ignoring you, your smile flattened, you didn't feel hurt just sudden nervousness because you truly believed that he would at least return the greeting. Nuala however, mistook your small frown as sadness and she turned to him.

 "Brother, don't be rude and return the greeting." She lectured. "It is the least you could do."

 "Why should I?" He retorted. "She is just a simple human."

 "A simple human who you ask about?" You couldn't help but ask.

 You caught his eyes slightly widen, which confirmed that what you have been told was true. Nuala turned to you a look full of bewilderment on her face.

 "He asked for you?" She asked, You nodded.

 "Yes, well, at least that's what I have been told." You answered truthfully. You heard him scuff pulling both your and Nuala's attention towards him.

 "And what if I have?" He asked rhetorically. "Don't get over your head human."

 "It's alright if you did ask." You assured, hoping that maybe he was just, dare you say, shy at being caught. "I mean after what happened last time I thought-"

 "You thought wrong." He interrupted. "The reason for my action was to prevent myself from being accused of something I wasn't the cause of. I did not do it for the likes of you."

 "Oh…" That was all you managed to say.

 You could feel a sting from his words, and it must have shown because Nuala rushed in front of Nuada to stop him.

 "Brother, what you said was uncalled for." She lectured. "(Y/n) is a very nice human, she only wants to befriend you, like how she did with me and everyone else."

 "Befriend me?" He asked with a mocking grin. "She is only trying to make herself feel better by acting nice, that's how all humans act, I have seen it many times beforehand."

 He turned to you his golden eyes staring directly into your own.

 "You are a leach." He said pushing his sister away to take a few steps closer. "You slither into those who are marked outcast by everyone else, and act as if you were "Different" from everyone else, that you "Cared", but all you truly care about is to walk around with said "New friend" as you silently say how you are better and superior to everyone else only because you did something that no one else dared to do."

 You stared at him with wide eyes at his accusations, and that seemed to only confirm his words to him.

 "I know what the other humans say when you befriended Hellboy, Abraham, and now my own sister." He sneered. "I will not be added to your pathetic list of small victories."

 "I…I don’t have…" You tried to say but he cut you off again.

 "Let's say you did not have a list, and you only did all that out of the Kindness of your heart. " He said the last part mockingly. "What made you believe that I would ever accept a pathetic human such as yourself a friend?... A human who can't even protect herself, I am amazed at how did you get a job here when you almost died only by my hands but also by a colleague of yours, who knows how many times you were lucky enough to escape your doom by being protected or have another human take the fall for you. You can't even protect how on earth can you protect humankind."

 You said nothing.

 "If the Red demon wasn't among you, you would have been dead by now, or a slave serving as a footstool for me." He stomped his foot at the last part making you let out a gasp of surprise and take a cautious step backward.

 Nuada stood his ground waiting for you to run away in fear of him like any other human would, But you didn't. You slowly lifted your head up to finally meet his eyes again and he could feel his heartache at the Hurtful look you had in your eyes as you gave him a weak smile. He could feel his body slightly shaking with regret, his instinct told him to fall on his feet and as for your forgiveness as he did everything to restore your beautiful smile once again.

 "I'm sorry, Prince Nuada." You said in such a polite tone, losing your friendly act, treating him like the royalty he was.

 "Please don't…" He tried to say but couldn't.

 "I did not mean to offend you in any way."

 "I was the one who let his pride take over!"

 "But please now that my actions towards you were only genuine."

 "I know!.. You are the sweetest creature on earth, who wants good for all!"

 "I will respect your wants and needs, so from now on I will stop approaching you."

 "NO!...No please don’t!"

 "I will be leaving now."

 You said before giving but him and Nuala a polite nod and turning on your heels to leave. He almost shot his hand forward to stop you from walking away, but Nuala got between the two of you with a very angry look on her face.

 "How could you say these things to her?" Asked Nuala in a hissed tone, never did Nuada see her so angry with him, disappointed yes, but not angry and he would have been concerned if he wasn’t already feel punished enough.

 Nuada was staring at you and you continued to walk away, his sister kept lecturing but he didn’t her hear, her voice a muffled background noise as he saw you turn a corner and disappear from sight making the ache greater, he was pulled out of his train of thoughts when he realized that his sister was quite…..and that his hand is being held. By instinct Nuada flinched backward away from Nuala, already realizing what had happened. His eyes were wide with horror, while his sister’s eyes were wide with realization. His shock then became anger.

 “Brother, You-“

 “I told you many times to NEVER read my thoughts!” He screamed angrily at her making her flinch.

 Nuada let out an angry growl before turning around and leaving to anywhere he can, to escape not only (Y/n) but also his own sister. He could hear Nuala trying to run after while repeatedly saying sorry and asking him to stop walking away but he didn’t and when he saw how she won’t stop chasing after him he started running from her knowing very well she won’t be able to catch up to him. After taking a few turns and knowing that his sister won't be able to catch up to him Nuada slowed down and made his way to Manning's office to request time out in the open green area to meditate because Gods know he needs it to calm his nerves and collect his thoughts. Because not only did he chase you away, for good this time, but also because now his sister knows of what is he feeling and what is happening in his head… Deep down in his head… that part which he still refuses to listen to.

 Even though he knows he is right by now.

  ---

 Nuada was in the moving vehicle with Abraham and Hellboy, heading to the next mission in some small town.

 "They said that it was only adult humans who went missing one or two at first, but then the numbers started to grow that even children were nowhere to be found." Said Abraham.

 "Anything in common with them?" Asked Hellboy.

 "The only thing is that they all disappeared near the forests." He answered, looking up from the file. "They went in but never came out."

 Hellboy cursed under his breath at the mention of children's possible death, ever since the breath of his own dear twins the topic of children's death on missions became a sensitive topic. Nuada however didn't care for all that, the only thing that plagued his mind was the human who was ahead of them in another vehicle with other human agents who were sent alongside them, this is the closest he had gotten to her since their last encounter.

 The prince believed that it would be for the best that things remain the way they are, she would continue with her life, find someone to share it with, start a family to grow old with, and then… And then he would die of old age, feeling happy and continent, while he would continue living to pay for his crimes and then devote himself to his people, he knew the next step would be marrying an elf to produce a hire to take his place in the future, but such thought made his stomach turn in disgust, that it was wrong. Then maybe he should make his future niece or nephew the hire to the throne after him because as much as he doesn't like it, his sister will have children of her own even if it was with the bluefish, and if he did decide to grow old and alone they will take his place.

 "We are here." A human called from the front pulling Nuada out of his thoughts, that when he realized that the vehicle they were in had stopped a long while ago. He followed Hlleboy and Abraham out.

 The human was already setting things up and preparing to venture into the forest. As he scanned the area he caught you rechecking your magazines and filling those who were not full with more bullets. He couldn’t help the small smile he had at the determination you showed after finishing your preparation, unknown to him Abraham had noticed it and he had a look of pity for the Elf Prince.

 “Alright, we will split into teams and because we don’t want any incidents Nuada and Red will be separated each one will be put in a human group.” Explained the human who was put in charge of this mission.

 Nuada immediately joined a human group that (Y/n) wasn’t a part of and red joined another. Abraham stayed back to give instructions in case what they are dealing with was new. As the two groups ventured into the forest Nuada stayed on high alert listening to anything or anyone. After almost an hour of just walking deep into the wood, a sudden movement made everyone tense and turn to pint their weapons in the direction of the sound. However, all the human agents let their guns down when a beautiful human woman with long black hair and pale beaten skin run towards them, she looked tired and terribly scared, when she saw them she started to cry in relief.

 "Finally some help!" she cried out. Nuada who was the only one who still had his weapon up brought his silverlance close to the woman's throat but was pushed away by the other humans who circled the woman to add her.

 "What are you doing you psycho!" Said the man. "This is a human being we should take her back to get treatment."

 "No!" Cried the woman as she slightly pulled away from the men. "My friends are still in danger, we should go and save them!"

 "Of course Ma'am, just tell us where they are." Said the man but she still shook her head.

 "I don't remember the directions, but I can walk you there."

 She pulled away completely from the group of men to go in the same direction she came from when Nuada was sure that no one would stop him this time he charged forward and used his silverlance to decapitate the woman's head. As her limp body and head fell to the ground one of the men who were in shock charged at him to grab him by his collar.

 "You killed a human woman!" He screamed. "I will make sure that you will rot in jail for a long-"

 "Uhh…Simon." One of them called.

 "What!?" Said the human named Simon angrily.

 His anger quickly melted away and he pulled away from Nuada when he saw the woman's body twitch and change form into that of a big black horse whose mouth and part of his head looked as if it was in the middle of decomposing for the skeleton was showing. That image however was gone quickly as the body melted into a disgusting black goo. The human men looked petrified by the sites, Nuada was the only one who came forward to inspect the goo.

 "W...What in the hell was that!?" Asked one of the men quietly as to not drow any more of those monsters towards them.

 "That thing was as you human call it a Kelpie." Explained Nuada. "A malicious creature who live near the water, they can shapeshift into beautiful women or horses to lure their victims so they can drown them and devour their dead corpse."

 The men looked at each other in fear before they instinctively took a fighting position and pointed their guns around them in case another Kelpie showed up. Nuada just sighed at their action and refrained from giving any harsh comments about their idiocy. He scanned the area and he could hear, see, and sense nothing, there wasn't any other Kelpie around. He brought a hand to activate the earpiece he was given to contact everyone else.

 "I know what we are up against." He informed.

 "What is it?" Asked Hellboy.

 "It's a Kelpie." He answered. "A shape-shifting being who can take the form of beautiful women or horse."

 "What!?" Exclaimed Hellboy in the speaker making Nuada want to pull the device away but he stopped when he heard the next thing.

 "(Y/n)!.. Get away from that thing!" Her scream can be heard as well as the beast who let out a victorious roar. "The bastard got (Y/n)!"

 Never did Nuada move so fast. He ran through the forest looking around frantically for any sign of you or the beast. A few gunshots were fired from the distance and Nuada ran towards it. He dodged the trees and leaped over the rocks. His mind was flashing images of your dead mutilated body floating above the waters after it had been devoured by the Kelpie, taunting him on how he could have avoided such tragedy by staying by your side and keeping you safe and sound away from all trouble.

 "You killed our mate"

 Sid the voice repeatedly torturing him further, memories of the last encounter with your came back reminding him that if (Y/n) was truly dead then his last moment with her was him hurting her feelings and being a bastard and that's would probably her last memory of him, being an Entitled Bastard. When Nuada finally reached them he saw how a group of humans were shooting two Kelpies but their bullets were in vain as they regenerated easily, however, when Hellboy shot his special bullets the Kelpies died instantly. That all did not matter to him, Nuada looked around and he saw you kneeling on the ground, you were grasping your right hand which was bleeding, and to either side of you was a human who were aiding you, but most importantly you were still alive. Nuada felt great relief when he saw no major injuries on you but it was short-lived as he saw other Kelpies coming near you, probably smelled your blood, He charged forward and swiftly decapitated one then stabbed the other straight on its forehead, both letting out one last screech before dissolving into goo. He turned to you and kneeled beside you. Looking at you closer he could see your arms, legs, and face are filled with small cuts that were bleeding, but your right hand, however, was bleeding heavily.

 "What happened?" He asked as he dropped his weapon down to examine your wound.

 "What are you doing here?" You asked in bewilderment.

 "To save you." He answered honestly ignoring his pride after the thought of losing you, His answer made your eyes wide with shock. You opened your mouth to say something but were cut off when you heard Hellboy's gunfire a couple of times.

 The Kelpies were growing in numbers determined to kill all of them and you knew that Red's special bullets will run out. You Turned to Nuada.

 "Forget me." You said pulling your injured hand away from his hold. "Go help Red."

 Nuada turned to the group of humans and demon who are struggling to keep the creatures away, being fueled by anger at the thought of one of them daring to kill his dear mate, Nuada lifted his weapon again and charged at them. He stabbed one of them in the middle causing it to screech in pain before dying. He turned to the humans who were still shooting with their guns.

 "Your weapons are useless." He said before stabbing another Kelpie. "These creatures only die from silver and Holy weapons, so if you truly want to help then take those who have been injured back and return with at least silver bullets."

 The men looked at him with astonishment before nodding and doing as he ordered, however, a few of them remained insisting on being able to help. Nuada looked over his shoulder one last time, catching you being taken away to safety made him feel great peace despite his current situation. Nuada turned around with the goal of inhalation this nest of abominations that threatened his beloved.

 ---

 When you opened your eyes from what felt like a long sleep, which for some reason you still felt a bit tired after, you winced at the brightness of the room and the pure white ceiling didn't make it any better. That when you realized you weren't at home. You blinked a couple of times and saw that you were in the infirmary surrounded by the familiar deep blue curtains that separated you from neighboring beds and gave you privacy. You tried to lift yourself up but silently grimaced at the shock of pain that came from your right hand forcing you to lay back down. You slowly lifted your right hand up to examine it and saw that it was wrapped heavily but neatly with bandages, that's when you remembered what happened and how did you get injured in the first place, which the thought of it embarrassed you, but then you remembered Nuada. The way he was concerned with your injuries made you almost think that he was the one feeling the pain ten times more.

 "You are awake." A familiar calm voice said pulling you from your train of thoughts.

 You didn't need to lift your head for he quickly seated himself at the empty chair that was to your left. His worried golden eyes searched your face and body for what you assumed is pain. Out would be lying if you didn't say that you were touched by his concern for you. You again tried to lift yourself up but his hand gently pressed your shoulder down.

 "Please don't move." Urged Nuada. "You healer said that you might need more rest."

 "No, I said that she can leave whenever she wakes up just to make sure she doesn't overdo it." Said the doctor from his desk that was nearby, If looks could kill the doctor would have been dead on her chair from the way Nuada glared at her unseen direction.

 "I'm fine, Your majesty." When those words lift your mouth Nuada gave you a pained look that you never thought he was able to make. He lowered his head

 "Please, Don't address in such a formal way." He almost begged. "call me by my name, as you used to."

 "I thought you hated it." You said and you could see his body tense at your words before he relaxed a bit.

 "I apologize for what I have said."

 You were so shocked at what he said you you shot up from your bed to at least set straight to face him properly. Of course your sudden movment made him flinch.

 "Alright, who are you?... and what did you do to prince grumpy?" You said skeptically, Nuada blinked a couple of times before he let out a small chuckle.

 "I assure you, my dear" He answered.

 The room was quiet for a while both of you not knowing what to do or say. You were happy that is true, him treating you so friendly was very good but what made it awkward for you is that it was … so suddne. What changed?

 "How did you injure your hand?" Nuada asked breaking the silence. You looked down at your bandaged hand. "You lost consiosness from bloodloss on our way back to the headqurtars."

 "It's kind of embarrassing." You said with a weary grin.

 "I would never laugh at you." He said in such a serious, which made him even odder to you.

 "Well.." You started. "We were searching around for the reason of people going missing when we saw a beautiful white horse grassing, it looked so harmless and gentle. I don't know why, but I had the sudden urge to brush its coat, and just before my hand touched it Red told me to stay away."

 "But it was too late." Sdi Nuada and you nodded.

 "my hand was stuck as if it was some kind of super glue or something.  The next thing I knew what that I was being dragged away by the beast who was running away from Hellboy. I tried to pull away but it only brought me close, and when I saw that its skin was about to cover my hand I did the one sensible thing I could think of." You shrugged as you looked down at your right hand. "And it was to shoot it off of it, and it worked but with a price. I feel stupid to have let my guard down like that."

 "You should feel that way." Said Nuada making you look to him. "The Kelpie has Hypnotic powers that draw in their prays, even if you were not human you would still fall for it."

 "Wow, you know so much about them, considering you were the only one who knew how to kill them." You said in amazement.

 "I have, unfortunately, encountered those veil creatures before." He confessed.

 "Really?" You asked and he nodded.

 "When I and Nuala were kids one of them almost took her away if not for the guard who was set to watch us she wouldn't have been here now, neither would I." He continued. "After that, I spent ages of my life to train my mind to never fall for their or any other creature hypnosis again."

 "Amazing, so you are trained body and mind." You winked at him trying to tease him. "the full package for a very lucky girl."

 Nuada stared at her for a long while rethinking his choise in telling you the truth. The moment he stepped foot back here he had prepared a thorough explanation of what mates were, followed by a speech of his love and devotion to (Y/n). How he would never let his pride take the best of him, that he would be the ever-loving mate she desires and the strong mate she deserves. But considering their first few encounters together, Nuada feared that suddenly doing so would scare his (Y/n) away, for in the end she is human so she can't feel the bound yet… But it can grow. He decided to give it time, to strengthen their bond by starting all over again, it will take time, that is true but Nuada was prepared to work hard to win (Y/n)'s love and affection the way humans do. For now, he will be the friend she deserves.

 "On the contrary my dear." He said with a smile. "I will be the one who is lucky to have her."

--- 

I hope you guys enjoyed this one, sorry that it’s very long, i enjoyed writing this version of Soulmates AU I should look into it more often in case it got requested again or I write a story about it. and just a reminder, I don’t take requests at the moment, sorry.

[superhero--imagines]

Part 12

Part 1 Here! / Part 2 Here! / Part 3 Here! / Part 4 Here! / Part 5 Here! / Part 6 Here! / Part 7 Here! / Part 8 Here! / Part 9 Here! / Part 10 Here! / Part 11 Here!

* You stare at the blank ceiling, the smooth unblemished surface like freshly fallen snow

* you should really put some nudie posters up there or something to lighten the mood a little. 

* Light notes from the piano float around your room

* You sigh, so these are the facts as you know them:

* Edward is your best friend who has occasional bouts of brooding and flirtatious behavior.

* Bella is not albino, she has a lovely peach undertone, and a lovely grilled peach scent

* The entire coven has treated your attraction to this young lady’s blood like you got caught masturbating or wetting the bed or something

* “You don’t need to be embarrassed it’s a perfectly natural feeling.” Esme tells you while rubbing your shoulders

* “We’ve all been there” Rosalie reassures

* “Totally not a big deal, it happens to me everyday!” Jasper chimes in

* You wish sunlight hurt you so you could combust into flames on the spot

* The piano notes get louder, and you feel your mouth pinch into a frown.

* “Oh my god Edward! Read the room, I want brooding music!”

* Edward stops, up until then he had been playing a pretty cheerful Mozart piece

* You can tell he wants to ask why, you’ve been radiating joy non-stop since biology. But he decides against it

* “You really shouldn’t eat lying down.” He says as you sip blood while lying flat on your bed.

* “Okay dad.” You snort

* Edward starts to imagine what it would be like if you called him ‘daddy’

* All needy on top of him, your hands curled in fists against his chest, the breathy “daddy please” that leaves your mouth

* All of a sudden he’s ugly turned on

* “Ugh you’re no fun, I’m going to hang out with Rosalie”

* You leave the room and Edward has a total meltdown, is this what a kink is? Is he discovering a kink?!? At 100 years of age?!?!?!?

* Edward.exe is broken

* You don’t even make it to Rosalie’s room, you can smell them a mile away

* Broccoli, sugar and fat, and axe body spray. No peaches you realize with a sigh.

* They’ve only just barely rung the door bell when you open the door

* “Hey what are you guys doing here?”

* Jessica’s standing in front, looking pretty at ease, while Mike and Angela look equally uncomfortable.

* Makes sense, Jessica’s here all the time now either for homework or to watch TV.

* Mike and Angela haven’t been back since your sweet sixteen

* “How did you get down here so fast?”

* “I saw your car from upstairs” you say with a sheepish smile.

* You wish Alice would have given you a heads up, you weren’t planning on pretending to be human right now. Still you probably look raggedy enough right now in sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt

* You can probably pull this sick thing off

* “We just wanted to check up on you, I heard from Mike and Angela you got sick during class.” And then in a more annoyed tone Jessica adds “And I guess you’re too sick to respond to all my texts and calls”

* Oh crap, where is your phone.

* You pat your pockets, and think when you saw it last

* “I left it in my locker” you smack your head. You told Edward to go grab your bag from class but you forgot your phone.

* “Hey don’t worry about it, I can get it for you tomorrow if you want.” Jessica rushes to your side and pats your arm. You shake your head

* “No I can get it myself, I’m fine I just ate something bad.” You mumble.

* You’re not missing school tomorrow. You would literally risk murder to smell Bella again.

* It’s not insatiable thirst like described in the books, more like a craving, like someone might have for nachos.

* It itches at you for a while, but if you just distract yourself long enough you can move on

* “Would you like to come in? I think Esme just baked cookies or scones or something.”

* Esme likes to bake for the smell and donate the food to the local shelter. That, or take it for her employees at her architectural firm in town.

* Firm is a loose word, she has maybe four employees, and they get one job a month, but it seems to make her happy.

* Angela and Mike give each other looks but Jessica perks up

* “Is she making those delicious earl grey scones again?” You sniff the air

* “I think she made some of that orange zest butter too”

* “Omg I am so happy you left your phone at school” Jessica giggles walking inside past you, you hear her greet Esme with a squeal

* “They really are good.” You tell them and your remaining human friends enter the house carefully

* “Soooo where is everyone?” Mike asks taking a look around your living room.

* “Ummm Rosalie’s in the garage, Alice is probably meditating on the roof, Emmett’s at swim practice, and Jasper’s probably at the barn.”

* “What about Edward?” Angela asks before Mike can ask about the barn

* Last you saw him he was playing the piano in your room, but it’s been a while since then

* “He’s probably in his room monologuing about the degradation of the American dream or something.”

* You lead them into the kitchen where Esme and Jessica are already deep in conversation about the wonder of her baking

* “-side is so light and fluffy, how do you get the tea flavor though”

* “Witchcraft.” Esme jokes, giving a full smile before putting another tray in the oven. Only Jessica laughs, the other two are too nervous to even sit down

* “Why don’t I teach you how when you come over next week.”

* Yeah you’re pretty sure Jessica is really only a fan of the “eating” and not of the “baking”

* You’re half surprised when she seems happy at the invitation. 

* “Oh that sounds great, I can’t wait for it!” Jessica’s practically beaming

* Where’s Edward when you need him? You wonder what her motivations are. 

* Jasper is not going to like this. He’s already irritated enough that he’s kicked out of his own house every Friday when Jessica comes over to watch arrested development

* Before you can say anything to Esme the conversation moves forward

* “Did you guys hear about that security guard that died in Mason county?”

* She’s just making small talk, you know that. But you and Esme instantly tense at the mention

* Carlisle had mentioned he thought there was a nomad wandering through, they were still far enough not to cause the coven immediate trouble, but anything that brought more attention to them was a disadvantage

* “My Dad says he heard from Chief Swan it was probably a wild animal attack” Mike mumbles over a bite of scone, you figured he would be the easiest to win over with food

* You hide a smile behind your hand, he really is like a golden retriever

* “What kind of a wild animal climbs stairs into a building” Jessica mumbles over another bite of scone. And maybe to fit in, or maybe because she’s always been a nervous eater, Angela takes a bite too.

* “Oh wow, these are really good” she murmurs

* Esme Cullen ladies and gentleman, winning the hearts of teenagers with baked goods since 19XX

* “Well you kids stay safe, stay together if you can.” She pats your head and you nod.

* You don’t know the details of the attack, you get the feeling Carlisle still see’s you as a kid and he doesn’t want to burden you.

* But assuming the small changes that have happened have nothing to do with the large changes, that means Laurent, James and Victoria will be passing through soon.

* Maybe it’s for the best Bella doesn’t get involved with Edward until later.

* You’d really like to not get all mixed up in the whole “James Thing” if you can help it.

* “Are you staying for dinner? I’m thinking of whipping up some pasta, maybe a chicken?” Esme looks to you, yeah you have no idea how she’s going to manage that. Besides the baking basics there’s no actually food in this kitchen. And the one upstairs is just for your blood bags.

* “(Y/N), do you think...Carlisle would mind if we used one of... his chickens?”

* His chickens? The only chickens in the house-

* “No Esme! My chickens are only for love and chicken snuggles” and their blood which tastes very leans yet rich. “Not to eat!”

* “It would just be one-we’ll eat your least favorite!”

* You’re really hoping this is her way of chasing the humans out because she doesn’t want to cook.

* “No- oh my god- we’re going to the diner come on!” You say tugging Jessica and Angela to stand.

* “It was great seeing you again Mrs. Cullen, see you next week!” Jessica shouts as the three of them follow you out.

* “Going out? Is that such a good idea it’s late and a school night.” Edward says as he descends down the stairs

* “Oh my god, yes Dad I’ll be home before my curfew.” You say before leaving, cue Edward crumbling onto the stairs as he imagines you calling him “daddy” again

* “I’m going to hell, I’m definitely going to hell.” He mumbles, his face in his hand.

* It’s a really short drive to the diner, also known as the only place to eat in Forks in the mid 2000’s. 

*There’s not even a McDonald’s. It’s almost sad

* And when you get there, while everyone moves ahead to the table you see a familiar face.

* “Oh, Hey Bella”

* Your eyes met and you figured it would be rude not to say anything. It looks like she’s here having dinner with her Dad. 

*She really does look like her dad, same eyes, same cheekbones.

* “Nice to see you again Chief Swan”

* “Nice to see you too, how’s Carlisle doing? Heard it’s been busy at the hospital.”

* “Yeah, it’s like he doesn’t sleep anymore.” You grin at your own joke.

* “Are you feeling alright now?” Bella asks, she looks genuinely concerned

* “Yeah, I um, made some questionable food choices at lunch.”

* There’s an awkward moment of silence. You get the impression that Chief Swan and his daughter are both the “strong silent” types.

* It looks like they’ve both finished eating already

* If you had known she was going to be here you would have made Edward come with you. 

* “Oh hey, do you want to join us for dinner?” It just seems like the friendly thing to do for the new girl, something on-brand with human character

* Definitely not because if you get on her good side now, maybe she won’t kick you out once her and Edward get married. 

*Father and daughter exchange a glance and the familiar connection they have makes you nervous. 

*“Of course you don’t have to, I know you’re here with your dad so-“

* “I’m sure Bella would love to join-“ Charlie says at the same time Bella says:

* “Wouldn’t it be kind of weird since I already ate.”

* Ah, so they’re not as in sync as you thought. 

* You give your best “Golden Girl - You can totally trust me with your daughter” smile.

* “I’m actually not eating either,” you place a hand over your stomach like a human might. “The uh, Clam Linguine is still haunting me, so I’m sticking to broth and sprite.”

* Why did you say Clam? You don’t even eat meat, it’s how you’ve been getting away with eating so little at lunch. 

* “not a lot of vegetarian choices” You say to your human friends who nod solemnly. 

* Father and Daughter exchange another look likening telepathic communication and they both move to stand

* “I’m going to finish up some paperwork at the precinct, don’t stay out to late.” Charlie says, leaning down to kiss his daughter on the forehead

* You watch with warm eyes and a small smile twitching onto your lips

* Bella is so loved.

* You can’t believe she’s willing to break her dad’s heart just so she can be 19 forever.

* Which, as you are 19 forever, you can fairly say is overrated

* “Hey guys Bella’s joining us.”

* Your female friends offer her a polite smile, you see Angela gaze flick from the menu to Bella’s face. Silently calculating the worth of this opportunity

* Any intel on this new girl would be pretty valuable

* Same old Angela

* Mike sits up straight so fast that he actually knocks his silverware off the table.

* “H-hey Bella, Hi, w-what, what are you doing here?”

* “Eating.” Bella says it so bluntly that you can’t help but laugh.

* Mike flushes bright red and Jessica and Angela exchange a look before giggling.

* “I thought it would be cool if she came over since I didn’t get to talk to her much.” You take a seat next to Jessica and Bella follows by taking the last seat between you and Mike.

* You still catch whiffs of her scent her and there, especially when she’s sitting so close to you.

* But it’s not so bad, the peachy smell is making you a little lightheaded, but you can handle it.

* At least you’re not fantascizing about killing her and everyone in this room like a certain dork you know.

* “Do you guys want to do that promotion where we get the basket of fries for the table?” Jessica asks

* “I don’t like sharing fries with Mike he eats them all.” Angela mumbles

* Yeah you remember last time when after a football game the three of them actually sat down and divided the plate in three equal portions

* They even measured out each fry dividing up the extra long ones 

* “Says the person who basically eats ketchup with a spoon.” Mike retorts and Angela scoffs

* “It’s America’s best condiment for a reason Mike.” Angela snaps back

* “I think we’re getting off track, I say Mike buys us all french fries to make up for all the times he hogged the joint basket” Jessica’s teasing but Mike takes it seriously

* “What so I’m a French fry monster now?”

* “Yes” Both Angela and Jessica respond in unison without looking up from their menu cards

* “What do you think Bella?” You’re surprised that Jessica’s the one asking. You get the feeling she’s not very happy about Mike’s crush on Bella.

* “I think Mike should buy everyone their own basket since he has such a bad history with sharing.”

* “You traitor!” Mike mocks hurt and you all laugh.

* You look at Bella through the corner of your eye, maybe it’s just the lighting but she looks pinker when she’s laughing.

* She looks happy as she starts contributing to the conversation.

* “I will say the pie here is really good, I wouldn’t share even if someone paid me to.”

* “Omg yes, the cheery icebox pie is out of this world” Jessica responds

* “I’m partial to chess pie” Mike pipes in and Angela laughs

* “You guys are crazy, the fruit custard they make is the best”

* You grin as your four new friends argue about the superior dessert, watching Bella laugh beside you.

* Welcome to team human Bella

Tags:  @moonlights27 @thebluetint @the100thtwilight @awesomebooklover17 @oneofthepotterheads @smileygirl08 @imdoingathingmom @iconicgguk @yrawn @alyciaswhore @little-horror-show @wicked-watering-can @lazydreamers @xxxmuxxx @puritanicalhypocrite

[lilacmeadows]

Made For You pt. 2

Omg you guys thank you so much for all the support! Part 1 was my first fic and you guys were so sweet. I had to get started on part 2 right away. If you want to be on my taglist, just let me know! This is just leading up to the next few chapters that’s just gonna be FILTHY. I needed a bit of backstory to be satisfied, but now that the boring part is out of the way, I’m gonna go research other names for genitals. Hope you enjoy! -Savvy

BUCKY X READER

Summary: Hydra had just finished training you to be the Winter Soldier’s perfect mate when the Avengers saved him. But what’s going to happen to you now that Hydra has deleted your old life and left you with nothing but a soldier that needs to learn to love himself before he can love someone else.

Part 1    Part 2     Part 3

WARNINGS: explicit sexual content, explicit language, underage reader (nothing sexual happens underage), stockholm syndrome, mentions of family death, eventual dom/sub dynamics, mentions of captivity and kidnapping. violence- guns, mutual pining, eventual smut, fluff, angst if you squint (must be 18+)

WORD COUNT:  2.9k

“Make the Soldat happy. He is my mission.” 

When she was first taken, of course she was scared. She didn’t know why, where she was going, if she’d be rescued. It was a painful adjustment, and some days it was as if the tears would never stop. It’s not like she was worth anything to anyone who mattered, her family wasn’t rich. Just her mom and brother. They lived a happy and normal life. 

She’d guess it didn’t really matter. At the age of 10, y/n was old enough to understand basic concepts, carry a conversation with adults, and she had strict teachers in school, so she knew how to behave. 

What she didn’t know was how to be a wife. Or a ‘life-partner’. None of the Men would ever call her a future ‘wife’. She was training to be a mate. Someone the Soldat could own and connect with so he didn’t fly off the rails if things got out of control. If he got out of their control. Every morning, a watcher would wake her up at 8AM so she could stretch, eat, and meditate. By 10AM, her first trainer of the day would come in and teach her the schooling she was missing. Just basic math and reading, a little German, and a little Russian. Not enough for her to eavesdrop on their plans, but enough to understand her Soldat if he didn’t feel like speaking English. 

At 1PM, another trainer would come and bring her to the small kitchenette down the hall. They had no intention of domesticating the ‘couple’, but she was learning to be a woman- of course the Men would have her start in the kitchen. She would learn very simple meals that could feed a fully grown man, and usually had something light for lunch herself. The men brought her the other 2 meals a day. At 3PM she would have lessons on ‘Womanhood’. At least that’s what she called it. A trainer would come in and teach her a never-ending list of rules that she had to follow in order to be a ‘lady’. It reminded her of an old Barbie movie she would watch when she was little. There was a song called ‘To Be a Princess’, where a poor girl learned how to act proper. Once she started seeing herself as that princess, the days got a little easier. Some days, they would go over how to sit and lie down like a lady. Others, they would walk laps around the halls open to her, reviewing how to walk on the balls of her feet. She learned to talk in short sentences with excellent manners, and how to brush her hair, so she could look more presentable for her Soldat. 

Over the years of compliance, the trainers softened on her just as the watchers had. Of course, they were still horrible people, but they knew she was a kind girl at heart and wouldn’t cause trouble. Some days, she would be made to sit perfectly still with a stack of books on her head, while her trainer would tell her something silly happening outside the walls of the building that became her home. She learned little bits of information about their lives, music, art. But never anything political or having to do with who the Men even worked for. That was strictly forbidden. They would let her color in her free time. Sometimes a watcher would bring a book from his home for her to read, and when she was old enough, she was given a few colors of yarn and started knitting sweaters and scarves on plastic needles. She didn’t have a clock, but she would learn by the rotating shifts of her watchers what time of day it was.

There were children whose lives sucked more than hers. And for that, she was grateful.

When she got older (let’s say 18), the training started to change. She never knew what day it was, or even what year. She had stopped keeping track so long ago, but the changes were made gradually. She would be made to read books on intimacy, and then watch videos of men brutally ravishing ladies about her size. She had to learn what to do to please her Soldat, without being taught physically. This made her happy. The thought of any of the watchers or trainers doing that to her made her sick. And everyone thought it was in her best interest to be completely innocent to the touch of a man when she has her first encounter with the Soldat.

Which turned out exactly as planned. But on the day Steve and Sam plucked her out of her bedroom, she was not expecting the Soldat to be sitting right in front of her. In all his glory.

The quinjet was eerily silent for all of seven seconds before Clint had the audacity to continue the conversation he started.

“You make the soldier happy?” was the best the shocked man could come up with.

“I haven’t met him yet, but I’m ready. They made me ready for him.” y/n said with bright, hopeful eyes. Her words flowed so easily, they sounded rehearsed.

“Do we tell her?” Tony asked Steve, who was getting greener by the second. He couldn’t believe he just got his best friend back, not two weeks ago, and now he has to worry about a girl who’s obsessed with said best friend.

“I don’t think we really have a choice.” Steve replied, taking a deep breath. The whole quinjet looked like they were holding their breath. y/n still didn’t know the names of the three men on the opposite side of the quinjet. Two of them standing together, pausing their conversation, and the brooding man, who everyone keeps looking at.

“y/n, meet Bucky.” Steve said, pointing at the man across from her. But ‘Bucky’ went completely over her head- the name being unfamiliar to her.

“Hello, sir. Pleased to meet you.” She said, offering a genuine smile, but clearly not picking up what Steve was putting down. Clint chimed in again, wanting to be out of his confused misery.

“Wait a second. Y/n. You mean the soldier, as in the Winter Soldier?” Y/n immediately nodded at hearing that name. She knew her Soldat went by that name. “As in that guy right there?” 

Her eyes went wide at the realization. He was sitting right in front of her. Staring at her since the minute she stepped onto the plane. And he was gorgeous. Long hair, thick thighs, piercing blue eyes, and a jaw that could probably cut glass. But he looked upset. Pissed really, and that scared her. She had one job: Make the Soldat happy. And there she was, barely presentable. She hadn’t even addressed him properly, how she was taught. With all the eyes on her, she felt a blush rush through her whole body at the embarrassing thought. But she had to. He wouldn’t like her if she didn’t follow the rules she grew up with.

Y/n daintily stood up and walked until she was right in front of Bucky. He held her eye contact the entire way, still not having said one word during this whole exchange. She gently knelt down until she was on her knees in front of him. 

“I hope I can make you happy, my Soldat. I am a gift from the Men who take care of us, and I am entirely yours.” Bucky’s jaw twitched. He hadn’t said anything this whole time, but his mind was moving at lightning speed. He watched this gorgeous, barely dressed girl sit across from him, and was already in awe. But then that girl got on her knees and declared her loyalty to him? In front of everyone he knows? He couldn’t lie to himself, he’d never been more turned on. But everything about this was wrong. She was just a Stockholm Syndrome’d girl who wanted to follow orders. But her orders were to make him happy. He finally broke eye contact with her to see Tony’s shocked face looking over at Bruce and Thor, to make sure he’s not hallucinating this. 

“Y/n, you should stand up.” He said to her in a hushed tone. Probably harsher than he meant to. He could see her visibly take a breath at the sound of his voice, his eyes followed the gentle slope of her neck down to her breast. She dreamed for years about what his voice would sound like, and it just rolled over her. But she quickly obeyed and stood in front of his seat. He expected her to say something else, but she was silent then. Her previous outburst was one of the few exceptions to her ‘only talk when spoken to’ rule. “What do you want? Where is your family so we can take you home?” He asked her. She could feel the tears well up in her eyes. He didn’t want her was all she could assume. She was made for him, so why was he turning her away?

“I want to make you happy, sir. It’s all I want. Please let me be good for you. I promise, I’ll be so good for you.” Begging was familiar to her from her studies. She didn’t expect to be begging for her to be able to please him, but she would do whatever it took to get him to keep her.

“No. Y/n. This isn’t right. You were being kept there, whatever Hydra told you to do is over. You’re free now.” The tears flowed freely down her cheeks and it broke his heart. She tried to cover her face with her hands. He didn’t want to see her cry, nor did he want to turn her away, but he also couldn’t just let her be his sex slave. It wasn’t right. 

“Please don’t be sad. This is for the best-” He tried to reason with her, but when he took her hand off her face so she would look at him, the contact only made her sob harder. This was all she wanted. 

“Buck, I think we should just let her sit for a minute. Can you grab her some water? Tony and I will try to figure out where she was from.” Steve said to Bucky- trying to end this painful and awkward situation. Bucky stood and walked to another area of the quinjet. He was grateful to be able to use this time to think.

“Y/n, we’re gonna need your help to get you home okay. What’s your last name? How old are you?” 

“Y/L/N” And then she went quiet. It never occurred to her that she didn’t know how old she was. Of course, she remembered her birthday, but she couldn’t tell the weeks and months apart, so she hadn’t celebrated it since she turned 10 in 2006. “What year is it?”

“When did they take you?” Steve asked gently. Being a man from another time, he could remember well the day he woke up in 2011 when it was supposed to be 1944. He knew how jarring it was to discover all the time that’s been lost, and wanted to spare her that grief.

“2006. I was 10.” She looked at him, and she could tell it’s not just 2008 by the look on his face. She knew her body went through changes over her time with the Men, but between the ‘dietary supplements’ they gave her, and the fact that she wasn’t looking in a mirror- much less shopping for clothes- she didn’t realize she had fully completed puberty. 

“Y/n, it’s 2016. You’re 20 now.” And that made the tears come harder. But she wasn’t so upset about the 10 years of her life. She was mad at 20 years of her life wasted. Since Bucky didn’t want her, all of the training was for nothing. She knew living for him made her the definition of a broken person- she wasn’t dumb. The idea of her Soldat was what grounded her all that time. When she was lonely, she’d think about the man the Men always tell her about. They told her how he was their ‘greatest asset’. And she often fantasized about if he would fall in love with her. So by the time she met him, she had already been in love with him for much longer than she’d care to admit- which makes the heartbreak of rejection hurt that much more.

Unfortunately for Bucky, his heart was heavy too. He tucked away into the tiny bed area on the jet after quickly handing Steve the water to give to y/n. It was too much. Being in that room with her, she looked at him like he hung the moon. But he most certainly had not. He was a murderer. Tony’s father was a scientist during the war, and Bucky knew him pretty well through Steve. And he killed him. He had scattered memories of hurting dozens of people, so why would she be so willing to be with someone like him?

Part of him wanted it. After almost a century of not owning anything and not having a choice, he was given the opportunity to have something that belonged only to him. A gift from the men who take care of us. If it wasn’t cruel, he would have laughed in her face. Maybe she was taken care of, but he most certainly wasn’t. She was brought in young enough to still be under the impression that Hydra wasn’t evil, just strict. He imagined for a minute how things could have turned out for the two of them if he hadn’t gotten free. If Hydra really was planning on giving him a gift. He didn’t like the last gift they gave him in the shape of an arm, but y/n was perfect. She was the perfect size for him- although his broad frame could dwarf most women. And her smile pulled at his heart.

He wanted to kiss her the minute he saw her. He knew he wanted to make her his.

And that was bad.

He rubbed his hand over his face and decided to rejoin the group in the middle of their conversation. Thor and Bruce decided to stop being passive members of the conversation and introduced themselves. Y/n was very confused at Thor’s proclamation as ‘God of Thunder’, but with all that was happening, she didn’t feel it was her place to question it.

“- a good thing we have spare rooms at the compound. You can stay as long as you like.” Tony finished speaking to y/n just as Bucky was walking into the room. “We’re gonna have a new house guest MC.” He waggled his eyebrows at the man who caught the back half of that conversation.

Bucky’s jaw dropped. This would only make the situation much harder than it needed to be. He looked to Steve for an explanation. The blond stood up and made his way over to Bucky.

“Look, Hydra scrubbed her records off of every database and-” He took a deep sigh, “Her family is dead, Buck. They probably killed them after they took her.” 

Then it was Bucky’s turn to sigh. He knew the right thing to do was to help her, but he also knew how much he wanted to feel her soft skin in his hands. And that made her dangerous to be around. 

What nobody knew was why Hydra took the 10 year old from Georgia. In 2006, the Winter Soldier was sent on a mission to kill a scientist that lived there. Of course the poor guy didn’t have a chance when the Soldier was sitting in his house, waiting for him when he got home, but what the Soldier wasn’t expecting was a little girl to be coming inside with him. The scientist looked sleazy and didn’t have any children, so who knows what would have happened to her if the Soldier didn’t get there in time. She screamed and cried. The comm in his ear commanded him to kill the girl for being a witness. But the part of the Soldier that was still Bucky wanted her to be safe. He shushed the little girl and asked her for her address. When she recited it to him, he rubbed her head and told her she was a good girl, before he dug his metal fingers into the child’s pressure points and she fell limp into his arms. y/n woke up in her bed, crying at the bad dream she must have had- her mother not even home yet. That was the first act of defiance Hydra ever experienced from the Winter Soldier. First sign of humanity and compassion. They knew if the mind control was getting weaker, he would be harder to control next time they unfroze him, but his protective nature of the girl would make her an asset to them.

Her capture was arranged before his heart was fully frozen in the chamber. Neither Bucky nor y/n remembered this- Bucky only remembering parts of his time under their control, and y/n never thinking about that bad dream again, but the connection was still there as strong as it was that day 10 years ago.

Part 3

[amillionsmiles]

in your bedroom after the war (Dick/Artemis)

Title: in your bedroom after the war Summary: As far as coping mechanisms go, Artemis could be doing worse. At least her method has a gymnast’s ass. / Post-Invasion, pre-Outsiders. Rated M.  A/N: I have one (1) agenda and that is messy grieving fuck buddies who are each other’s ride-or-dies. if you are not into fic that sits squarely in sad feral horny territory, then this is probably not your speed.

[Read and review here] or continue under the cut.  

| GOTHAM

| JANUARY 14, 2017; 12:05 AM EST

Artemis is a bit heavier than she was in her teenage years, but her feet land lightly on the fire escape by the window. An hour ago, she’d called her mom from Metropolis, promising she’d be home by midnight. Ever since her daughter faked her death a year ago, Paula Nguyen has become even more of a worrywart, and Artemis knows that the five minutes she’s running late are going to cause her to receive an earful.

“Didn’t think I’d see you back in this neck of the woods.” A familiar figure drops from the roof above onto the rung below her.

“Nightwing.”

She’s not surprised that he’s been keeping tabs. Officially, he’s been on a leave of absence for the past six months, but Dick, like her, is vigilant in his grief.

She’d come back to Gotham because it put her closer to Metropolis and Beta Squad’s continued investigation of LexCorp, but the truth is that she could have Zeta-tubed from Palo Alto easily. Their—her—apartment had been no good though, not without Wally. So she’d left most of her things in storage to figure out later and moved back in with her mom. On days when Artemis can’t muster the energy to get out of bed, Paula wheels determinedly around the kitchen, ready to whip up some mì xào  or a warm bowl of  mì gói.  They play card games and laugh about how bad Wally was at tiến lên the first time Paula tried to teach him. Your boy has no patience, he always wants to play his strongest cards right away, her mom had teased, and Wally had protested, I make it a rule to always put my best foot forward! and Artemis had loved him even more then.

Loved. Loves. She hates the past tense.

“I mean, were you ever going to ask me to grab coffee?”

She can see the bits of Wally in his cracks. In a room together, it was always easy to tell they were best friends from the way they riffed off each other. The acrobat and the speedster: all verbal gymnastics and fast-moving quips. But unlike Wally, who liked poking fun because he liked getting attention, Dick is at his wittiest when trying to avoid talking about himself.

Artemis reaches out and pulls him to sit down beside her. She makes a show of looking at her watch.

“How’s… 12:15 AM this Saturday?”

Dick pretends to check it against his mental schedule. If his is anything like hers, it probably goes: Wake up. Exercise (beating up bad guys counts). Mourn.

“Yeah, seems like I can swing it.”

“Perfect,” says Artemis, sliding up the glass panes to let them into her childhood bedroom. “I’ve got just the stuff.” 

*

In the kitchen, Brucely stirs briefly from his dog bed to sniff the air and  yip, then curls back asleep. Paula hands Dick a mug, waiting for him to take a sip before saying, “So you were the one who had the brilliant plan to have my daughter fake her death.” 

Dick splutters; from the table, Artemis rises to his defense. “Mom,” she says. “Leave him be.”

Setting his cup down, Dick leans against the cabinets, bending his head slightly and rubbing the back of his neck. He does a good job of appearing chastised, and Artemis wants to roll her eyes, if only because she’s heard from Bette and Raquel that this pose is far too effective at convincing women to want to forgive him or try again.

“I’m not leading much of anything these days, if that’s at all a comfort to you.”

“Hmph.” Paula sniffs. “You live alone?”

“Yeah.” Dick shoots Artemis a questioning look over her mom’s head. Artemis shrugs.

“What do you do to fill the time?”

“A lot of reading. Gotham’s library system actually has a pretty good selection, believe it or not. I’ve also gotten really into meditating.”

“And you don’t sleep.”

Dick stiffens. For the first time, he looks exposed, a boy with too much guilt and too much time on his hands.

“I do. Tonight I was just… restless.”

Paula nods and backs up her wheelchair so she can sit by Artemis, curling her fingers over Artemis’s hand and squeezing. She raises her drink, Artemis and Dick following suit, the three of them toasting to invisible losses.

“Aren’t we all.”

*

Later, back on the fire escape, Dick taps his fingers against the railing, jittery. “I feel like I need to start doing jumping jacks. What was in that stuff?”

Artemis bites back a smile. “Yeah, Vietnamese coffee packs a hit. That’s my bad. Probably should have given you something non-caffeinated at this hour.”

“It’s fine. I’ll jog it out, or something.” He turns to go, but Artemis stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, listen—it was good seeing you tonight. And if you need someone to talk to…” What she really means is: it’d be nice to be around someone who’s hurting as much as I am. Not to say that the rest of the team wasn’t as torn up over Wally’s death, but she and Dick had been ground zero. Closest to the blast.

After a pause, Dick nods. “Yeah… I could use a sparring partner, actually. I’ll send you an address.”

“Okay.” Satisfied, Artemis withdraws her hand, curling her fingers into her palm.

It feels like a start.

*

Dick’s directions lead Artemis to Wayne Manor; from there he takes her to the Bat Cave.

“I thought you were striking out on your own,” Artemis says, using her forearms to deflect a kick to her face. Dick grunts and recovers, throwing a punch to her stomach; she dances out of the way.

“I am. I just pop in here from time to time because Bruce has better equipment. Plus there’s less of a chance of me disturbing the neighbors.” He gestures to the eerily blue-lit stone walls around them.

Artemis feints and goes low, ducking under Dick’s guard. Two quick hits to Dick’s sternum pushes him back, before he gets a hand on her wrist and twists her around so that her back is pressed against his chest.

“Weren’t we supposed to be talking?”

Kicking his shin, Artemis breaks free. “All right, fine. I’ll start.”  Jab.  “I keep wanting a scapegoat.”  Kick.  “Like, one person to blame, instead of something as big as the Reach. But it’s not some giant revenge thing, and I know Wally wouldn’t want me to go down that sort of all-consuming rabbit hole even if it was, and that pisses. Me. Off.” On those last words, she manages to use Dick’s momentum against him and flips him over her shoulder.

For a minute, it’s so quiet between them she can hear the faint plip of water dripping from a stalactite into the water below the sparring dais. Still lying on the floor, Dick confesses, “I keep hearing him.”

“I make a joke to myself and he’s there, in my ear, with the punchline. And then…” He passes a hand over his face.  “And then I realize that the real punchline is him being gone.”

Slowly, Artemis approaches him. She feels like she did when they were undercover at Haly’s circus so many years ago, that brief moment of hangtime before their hands connected in the air. She means to sit down next to him, pat his shoulder, she doesn’t know what, but instead Dick sweeps her legs out from under her and she goes down hard, the air whooshing out of her chest as she falls flat on her back.

“Agh!” The release sets something loose inside her. Next thing she knows, she’s yelling again, louder, just because.

Dick catches on and then it’s just the two of them shouting, their voices echoing through the cavern, threading around and piling atop each other like a flock of birds. After they’re done, Dick rolls so that they’re lying side by side.

“You know, when we were starting out—when we first became friends—I used to make fun of Wally that if he kept talking so much while running he was bound to swallow more bugs, or something. And he’d just shoot back like, ‘Nah dude, you think I’m not fast enough to see them and dodge them in the air?’ But you know how he was always so hungry after missions? One time I was so mad at him I put a bug in his sandwich. I’ve never forgotten the look on his face after he bit into it and I said, dodge that.”

“You didn’t.” Artemis gasps and covers her mouth, horrified, but she can see it so vividly: the colors draining from Wally’s face, making his freckles pop even more against his skin, the same greenish tint his cheeks took the time they went to Vietnam and he got food poisoning. He’d spent two days feverishly glaring up at the mosquito netting, and Artemis had draped cold hand towels over his forehead and promised she wasn’t going to leave him for the very obliging boy who kept bringing them ice.

“I did.” Dick is gleeful. “Really put the ‘rank’ in prank.”  

Artemis snorts; the snort turns into a full-blown guffaw. Dick turns toward her, laughing too. His hair is matted with sweat but still soft; it brushes against her forehead.

It feels so good to be close to someone again, to be able to flip on a dime from sadness to frustration to anger to laughter and not have to explain herself. She can’t remember the last time she smiled and didn’t feel guilty about it, and she means it more affectionately than anything when she reaches over and brings Dick’s mouth to hers, like if she inhales whatever they’ve temporarily managed to create here between them, it’ll be enough to tide her over for the next few months. For a second, he’s warm and responsive, before his lips stiffen and he pulls back.

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t.  Shouldn’t beat yourself up about it, shouldn’t blame yourself for getting back in the game.  Artemis is sick of people telling her how to deal, how it’s supposed to go.  It’ll get better and then it doesn’t. People talk like there are guidebooks for this kind of shit, like it’s a marathon she just needs to pace herself through. And it’s the stupidest thing, but she misses being held.

She sits up and crosses her arms, resisting the urge to curl in on herself. “You didn’t do anything. I’ll go.”

“No, Artemis, wait, I don’t think you should go, I just want to understand what’s going on—”

“I want you to touch me, okay?” she explodes. “I want you to touch me because he’s never going to again and I know you loved him too and—and maybe if it’s you, I won’t feel so desperately alone.”

Dick looks stricken, and then, hesitantly, he reaches for her. His eyes are so blue, the kind of crushed eggshell you’d use to make a paint. “You’re not alone.”

“Prove it,” she says, vision blurring with tears—wanting, needing him closer, and then his hairline is up against hers again and his nose is at her cheek, his mouth at her jaw, soft but with a willingness to bruise. Don’t ask me what we’re about to do, Artemis silently begs, and Dick doesn’t.

 *

 Wally had been a restless lover. Always turning them over, switching positions. Artemis had taken it as a challenge, part of the ongoing competition that defined their relationship. Deep down, she’d known that Wally would be just as content if the rest of their sex life consisted solely of spooning gently on Sundays, which, if anything, was why she’d been so eager to experiment—because it felt like an easy gift she could give, not something she had to master to “maintain excitement” or make him stay.

She’s not sure what she expected from Dick. Maybe that’s a comfort—that she wasn’t fantasizing before they happened, wondering about all the mechanics of how it would go. Dick lets her call the shots, lets her ride him into the ground, the grip of his fingers around her thighs the only reminder she isn’t just angling toward oblivion. When he presses his thumb between her legs, it’s a weird sort of anchor—like hearing a voice pick up on a line you thought was dead. She has a body, and here’s someone on the other end of it, caring about her release. As soon as that thought hits, the relief shudders through her; she keeps rocking long enough to feel Dick follow, a stutter and a grunt, before she collapses boneless over him, the sweat of his skin a comforting stickiness against her cheek.

Internally, she apologizes to Bruce for desecrating his training space. Then again, they’re hardly the first of the Justice League to get handsy in less than appropriate places. She’s seen how Black Canary and Green Arrow act around each other.

Below her, Dick catches his breath. The rush of blood—his or hers—is loud in her ears.

“I didn’t think you’d be so…”  Giving, she means to say, but it gets lost on her tongue. “I mean, Zatanna…” she trails off again.

If Dick’s embarrassed at the prospect of his ex-girlfriend having blabbed about the details of their sex life to Artemis, he doesn’t show it. His fingers find a snag in her hair; gently, he works it loose. The air smells hedonistic. He keeps combing. Nice is the only word she can think to describe it, and that makes her want to cry again, so she squeezes her eyes shut.

“Thank you,” she whispers against his chest.

Dick pauses his ministrations. He flattens his palm against the base of her neck and just—holds her there.

“Don’t mention it.”  

When she goes home that afternoon to shower, she runs the water on full blast for a long time.

 *

 Armed with Chinese food, she visits Dick’s place the next day intent on making amends. Dick doesn’t even act surprised; he just points to the glass coffee table where she can set the bag of chopsticks, napkins, and takeout.

“I’m trying to decide what to watch.”

There’s really no need for him to stand in front of the TV the way he does, one hand propped on his hip as he clicks through options with the remote. Artemis lets herself ogle, a bit. The surest way to blow past what happened between them yesterday is to be honest with herself, right? And as far as coping mechanisms go, Artemis could have done worse. At least her method has a gymnast’s ass.

“Any preferences?”

“Between what?” asks Artemis, cracking open the carton of lo mein and settling back against the cushions. The Netflix suggestion algorithm onscreen paints a condemning picture of Dick’s tastes. “True crime or… true crime?”

Wally had been really into nature documentaries. One time during freshman year, when they were still living on Stanford’s campus, they’d gotten high in Wally’s dorm room and watched Blue Planet. Wally had cried when the seal got flung apart by killer whales.

“I’ll Be Gone in the Dark it is, then,” says Dick. He settles next to her on the couch, peeling back one of the orders and sniffing its contents. “What’s this one?”

“Salt and pepper ribs. They were today’s special.”

“Artemis.” Dick beams. “You really do care about me.”

 *

 Ten minutes into the episode begs a single question: “Isn’t it sort of depressing that you spend so much of your day fighting crime, and then you go home to unwind and just watch… more of it?”

Dick shrugs. “It keeps me sharp. And it’s nice seeing other people solve problems.”

“Well, if you ever feel like branching out, there’s a short film about Rubik’s cubes you might like.” Artemis nudges his side. “Remember when you were a scrawny math geek?”

Bringing both hands behind his head, Dick smirks. “Still a math geek. Just not scrawny.”

Artemis stares. That was just a bit of friendly showboating, right? Or was it a flirt? Not trusting herself, she whips her gaze back toward the TV. What feels like eons later, the credits roll.

“Artemis,” Dick says, too soft for having just finished a show about murder. He taps the corner of his mouth. “You’ve got some food stuck.”

She wipes with the back of her hand; a breaded piece of orange chicken emerges as the culprit. Without thinking, she flicks it off, sending it flying somewhere onto Dick’s carpet.

“Oops.”

Chuckling, Dick shakes his head. “I need to vacuum tomorrow, anyways.”

The mention of tomorrow stirs her. “Right. I should head out.”

“Yeah.” Dick rises to help her clean up their mess, holding open the plastic bag so she can toss in the soiled napkins and other bits of trash. “Or—”

He hesitates, but the hesitation’s enough. It might as well be a hand on her wrist, with how it stops her in her tracks. All night, despite what she told herself, she’s been looking for proof: proof that his aloneness fits the shape of hers, that he needs her, too. This time, Dick makes the first move—cups her face in both hands and kisses her, slow and deep and full of heat. Some pepper from the food they ate still lingers on his lips, making her mouth tingle, and Artemis is dizzy and flat on her back on the couch before she knows it, giving in.

Not scrawny at all, she thinks, admiring the solidness of Dick’s knees on either side of her, the weight of his frame as they grind together. The sheer mechanics of it feel very horny-teenager-after-prom, but the way Dick sucks her bottom lip and swallows her breath down with it is decidedly adult.  These days, Artemis practically lives in her sports bra, which doesn’t exactly grant easy access, but when Dick’s fingertips skim over the cotton covering her breasts the sensation zings all the way down her spine.

“Need… off…”

“Yeah,” Dick murmurs, humming as he moves down the column of her neck. “Gimme a sec, I’m working on it.”

She’d worn sweats because she figured their bagginess would keep her from sparring again and any potential… situations that could arise from that. Instead, all it means is Dick unties the drawstrings easily, sliding her pants down her legs. Cool air brushes across her as he shifts positions; she wants to sob in relief. His teeth graze her hip and then catch the edge of her panties and—oh. Fuck. The moan tears out of her and she scrabbles at the armrest, hips rising of their own accord. Next time, she is handcuffing Dick to a bed, because what he’s doing with his tongue and fingers should be illegal. She can feel him grinning, the bastard, and the only thing keeping her from crushing his head to a pulp between her thighs is the maneuver he pulls where he hooks her knees over his shoulders, so he can change the angle and plunge in deeper. Artemis shoves the edge of her T-shirt into her mouth at the last minute, only barely managing to muffle her cry.

Dick surfaces from his solo mission looking entirely too satisfied, mouth glistening. Trembling, still, from her orgasm, Artemis squints at him, possessed by some combination of unbridled lust and rage.

“Dick.”

“You calling, or asking?”

“Shut up,” she hisses. She feels like a newborn foal, after what he just did to her, but the urge to dismantle him just as thoroughly sends her surging upward and pushing him back. Dick welcomes their reversed positions by peeling off his shirt and tossing it over his shoulder, all while Artemis works furiously at his belt. It shouldn’t feel so good, to hear the metal clink against his button and watch the leather slide through the loops. To see the shadows the light of the TV casts on him—the lashes on his cheeks, the hollow of his throat. Artemis hadn’t paid much attention the first time, too desperate and caught up a bit in self-loathing, but now she’s actually enjoying this, savoring the flex of Dick’s abs as he pushes up to meet her, his skin pebbling at her touch.

“I’m going to take you apart,” she purrs.

Dick groans and bucks. The sensation sends a sharp spike of pleasure through her, and she clamps down on him tighter, refusing to yield.

“Try me, Tigress,” he rasps, pushing himself up on one arm so he can mouth at her collarbone. With his other hand, he pulls off her hairtie so her hair comes free of her ponytail, and this is going to be a thing with him, isn’t it, him wanting to fuck her while her hair swings loose around her face. She indulges him for a few minutes, claws his back and bites his shoulder for good measure, but then she’s pushing him back down and stretching out her body as languidly as possible to remind him who’s boss. Their pace slows. Dick keeps a hand fisted in her hair, so he can tug her head back in order to keep her neck exposed to his wanton mouth, but his grip gets less sure the closer she pushes him to the edge.

“Art—” says Dick, the single syllable like a painting pinned to the wall, fraught with desire, and then he just lets it drop, the tresses of her hair falling through his fingers. She wants to tell him that he’s beautiful, that he does look like a boy wonder, right then, in the midst of coming undone, chest flushed and hair mussed and pupils blown nearly wide enough to overtake the blue.

She doesn’t, but she stays the night, and that’s close enough.

 *

  High-functioning, Artemis’s therapist had called her, before Artemis moved back to Gotham. And it does feel like a high—the sneaking around, the after-hours meet-ups, the back-and-forth. There’s no one really keeping tabs on her, though Artemis has plenty of cover stories if anyone asks (new intel, side reconnaissance, etcetera, etcetera). Her mom eyes her and says, “As long as you’re not planning on staging your own death again, because I will find out and I will kill you this time,” and that’s that. Artemis nearly laughs. If anything, what she’s doing is the opposite, a small resurrection. An entire month and a half passes this way: day trips and dinners and movie nights and Dick and her in a bathtub, in the shower, against a wall. She even wears a gown and heels once, not because they have an actual event to attend, but because Dick has a fantasy that involves taking her from behind in the Wayne Manor library.

They’re in his apartment on a Sunday morning bathing in the afterglow, sheets tangled around their waists. Thank god Dick is one of those assholes that splurged on not only a nice mattress but also a solid bed frame. Artemis reaches over to push the hair out of his eyes. The black tuft on the back of his head that she likes grabbing is fluffed up like a duck's tail, and under the sunlight slanting through the windows, he looks angelic.

“Are you falling back asleep?”

Yawning, Dick snags her around the waist, dragging her to him. She should not delight this much in being manhandled.

“You wore me out,” he complains, tucking his chin over her shoulder.

“They just don’t make them like they used to,” Artemis sighs. Dick growls a little at the dig, fingers tightening against her hip.

Well. If he’s going to nap, she is, too. Comfortably spooned, she snuggles back against him, prepared to drift off.

“Do you think Wally would have wanted…” Dick doesn’t finish the thought.

Artemis turns in his arms. Dick has long eyelashes, and he’s looking at her through them almost bashfully. She places a hand on his chest. Feels his heartbeat thump once, twice.

“I think he would want us to be happy.”

“Are you?” Dick’s voice fades out and he has to swallow hard to clear his throat. “Happy?”

“I’m not… miserable.” 

Dick runs his hand up her bare arm, over her shoulder. “Me neither.”

“You know, Wally and I thought…” She bites her lip, remembering a whoosh of air, Wally speeding to her side to kiss her and interrupting her report on the disabled Paris MFD.  I know we promised each other we’d get out of this game, but maybe we can have our life together and play hero, too.  “We thought we’d have everything.”

Dick’s response isn’t mournful; it’s matter-of-fact. “After my parents died, I never really convinced myself that I could have it all.”

“That sounds like something Batman would say.”

“Does it?”

“A little.”

Once upon a time, Artemis had stood before the team ready to lay bare her darkest secret, waiting to be kicked out. And Dick had shown his hand: he’d known from the beginning and hadn’t cared.  You aren’t your family. You’re one of us. She knows he’s second-guessed himself over the years, wondering how fit he actually is to play leader. But for her, trust has always been the easiest thing about the two of them. It was why she’d said yes so easily to his deep cover mission—because she knew that he wouldn’t quit until he’d brought all of them home, that he would do whatever he could to keep them safe.

Taking his face in both her hands, she looks deep into his eyes. “You deserve good things, Dick Grayson.”

“Mm.” Dick smiles into her kiss, hooks his ankle over hers. “Keep telling me that. I’ll start to believe it.”

 *

 Jade abandons Will and Lian on a Tuesday, and Artemis’s carefully crafted equilibrium falls apart. At least this time she’s not the one directly being left, unlike when she was a teenager. Her expectations of her older sister had hardly been high, but if she’d plotted them on a graph they’d have trended upward. Now they’ve tanked.

“Did she leave any hint of where she was going?” Dick asks over the whir of his juicer. He’s gotten really into squeezing oranges lately; Artemis can’t complain because he always gives her the first glass.

“It’s Jade. She never wants to be found, and I hardly think she’s about to try an  Eat Pray Love type thing.”

“Eat Slash Steal, maybe?” Dick offers, dropping two ice cubes into a drink and setting it in front of her.

Artemis sips, balling up a napkin and throwing it at him at the same time. “Watch it, that’s still my family you’re talking about.”

“I’m sorry. How’s Will taking it?”

“As well as any dad trying to raise a two-year-old by himself would.”

“So, poorly.” Dick taps his finger against the table. “Are they coming here?”

Artemis looks at him blankly. “Why?”

“I figured they might want to be closer to you and your mom now that Jade’s gone. Gotham’s not so bad—you and I turned out fine. And Will probably needs to look into preschools and a babysitter for Lian soon. If you move in with me, you can bring her over whenever.”

The last piece of information slips in so casually she thinks she’s misheard. “What?”

“If you move in with me, you can bring Lian over whenever,” repeats Dick. “This place is as good as yours. You’re over here all the time anyway.”

Suddenly, she can’t breathe. “You’re serious.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

She can’t meet his eyes. “W—Will’s home is in Star City. He’s not going to move.”

Slowly, Dick says, “Okay. But my offer doesn’t really depend on Will.”

Her stuff is still in boxes. She’s still paying for a storage unit almost 3,000 miles away. And Dick is waiting on her so intently it makes her chest hurt.

Artemis stands up. “We’re not doing this.”

Dick’s eyebrows rise. Annoyance, or maybe anger, flickers across his face. “You wanna fill me in on what exactly it is we’re doing, according to you?”

“We’re not going to fight about this like we’re…”  In a relationship. In love. In anything other than a messy configuration started by shared grief. She doesn’t say any of it out loud, but she doesn’t need to—Dick’s always been great at reading people, and he’s known all her tells from the start.

“Right.”  The single syllable comes out as cold and pointed as an icicle. He pushes his chair back from the table and stands up. The clouds are rolling in, throwing shadows across his features. Even now, Artemis wants to kiss him, wants to be the one to smooth the furrow between his eyebrows away.

“Dick…”

“Do me a favor, will you?” Dick grabs his jacket from the hook by his door, shrugging it on. He pauses, briefly, in the doorway. “Lock my door on the way out.”  

That night, she lies alone in her bedroom next to the picture of her, Wally, and Brucely. Brucely snuffles at the foot of her bed and then leaps onto the covers, and this time she doesn’t shoo him off. Neither does she fall asleep.

 *

 There was a song Jade had liked to sing, passed down from their mother: a Vietnamese lullaby about a yellow butterfly, to the tune of “Frère Jacques.” The butterfly flies all over the sky. Come and see. Come and see. When it became clear that Artemis’s hair would grow in blond, not black, Jade started pulling it, making her giggle. You’re the yellow butterfly, see?

The taxicab she calls for the airport is bright yellow in the morning light. Plain old civilian travel for plain old civilian business. You don’t need to be a superhero to fly across the country and move in with your brother-in-law and your niece. She’ll sing silly little songs and wash Lian’s hair, and they’ll be a family same as anyone else’s: clumsy, incomplete.

“Artemis.” Dick coalesces out of the fog. They haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a week, and she should be mad that he’s here because it probably means he’s been monitoring her web traffic and caught wind she’d bought plane tickets. Still, all she feels is relief.

Jade had laughed when Artemis had let slip what she was doing during one rare sisterly bonding moment. “Oh, darling sister, your thing with your little bird boy isn’t about moving on. You’re using him as a holding pattern. Try not to damage him too much, hm?” Rankled, Artemis had hung up the phone—what did Jade know about anything, besides shoving it under the rug and pretending it didn’t matter? Now, though, Artemis sees things more clearly. Jade did know something about bodies and what they could and couldn’t fix; after all, isn’t that why she ran?

She worries with the strap of her duffel bag, letting Dick approach.

“If this were a romcom, you would have waited until I got to the airport and then run through security.”

“If this were a romcom,” says Dick, stopping in front of her and shoving his hands in his pockets, “I’d be trying to make you stay.”

She thinks he might be the one person left on this planet who knows her best. She thinks they could save each other, if they’d let themselves try. But they each have work to do on their own, first.

Setting down her bag, she tucks her face into the crook of his neck and breathes him in. Wherever else she goes, this spot will always feel like forgiveness. Nose buried in her hair, Dick squeezes her back.

The taxi driver rolls down his window. “Is this guy coming with us or not?”

Artemis pulls back, and there’s so much sky in Dick’s eyes.

“You know where to find me,” she says.

 *

 | STAR CITY

| JULY 29, 2018; 7:30 AM PST

 “Who are you here to recruit this time?” Will asks, leaning against the doorframe, but Artemis doesn’t need an answer, doesn’t need any details but the black hair she can see just over Will’s shoulder, Dick’s voice at the end of a line.

He jumps, and she jumps with him. They’ll figure out everything else as they go.

Before Dick can respond, she says: “I’m in.”

[thicctails]

Summer of Whump Day 12 [Death/Rebirth]

A direct continuation of the last one!

Ω

 The room was quiet when Tech entered, the only sound being his and Omega’s breathing. He slowly inched forward, trying his best not to look at the glaringly obvious wound on Omega’s back. He took a seat, folding his arms and resting his head on them. Today had been a complete mess, and he was still processing it. Their chips weren’t supposed to activate! Crosshair was suppose to be the exception, not just a warning of what was to come! Thank the Maker for Rex, he wasn’t sure what they would have done without his help.

 A shudder runs through him at the thought of Wrecker’s chip activating while they were on the ship or on a mission. Hell, he could have easily ended their lives in their sleep at any point. Apparently, they had all been one blow to the head away from becoming killing machines. Today had proved that the chips truly took away any semblance of control, because Wrecker would never have hurt Omega if he could have helped it.

 ‘But,’ Tech thought sadly, ‘he still did.’

 Wrecker had hurt Omega, and it wasn’t just a little injury. Her neck was purple with bruises, and he could still couldn’t bring himself to look at her back. He knew he’d have to, she’d need to have bandages applied soon, if the bacta did its job, but he wanted to avoid it for as long as possible. He’d hurt her, and Tech wasn’t sure how to feel. He wanted to feel angry at Wrecker, wanted to have someone close by who he could take his anger out on, but he knew it wasn’t his brother’s fault. It was the Empire who had put those chips in their heads, in all of their brothers’ heads.

 He settled on feeling mad at everything.

 Omega shifted slightly, her face scrunching up in disgruntlement. Tech frowned, unsure of how to help. Was she having a nightmare? Was she in pain? He couldn’t tell.

 “What’s going on in your head, little one?” He asked softly, taking one of Omega’s hands. Her hands were so small compared to his own, and he was once again reminded of how young she really was.

   Omega blinked, finding herself in familiar darkness. Waves of purple and blue rippled around her, ebbing through the void. She tries to move, and discovers that, unlike before, when she had felt grounded and normal, she now feels much lighter.

 ‘I wonder if this is how clouds feel.’ She thought, smiling as she floated around.

 “That’s an interesting thought, young one.”

 The voice surprises Omega, and she spins around to see a man standing before her. He was dressed in long, brown robes that hung loosely off of him. He had long hair that flowed over his shoulders and his eyes were a kind blue. An aura of blue light seemed to emanate from him.

 “Who are you?” Omega asked.

 “A friend. Would you like some company?” The man asked, not quite answering her question.

 Omega shrugs. “Sure. Not like there’s much to do here.”

 The man chuckles a bit and sits down, crossing his legs. “Yes, I suppose this place isn’t the most entertaining for a child.”

 Omega sat down as well. “Yeah, you’d think a dream would be more interesting.” She frowns. “Wait, if I’m dreaming, why are you here? I don’t know you.”

 The man’s smile turns a bit sad. “This is no dream, young one. You are in the Between.”

 “The… what?” Omega was confused.

 “The Between is the place that exists on the line between life and death. You haven’t passed on yet, but you are close enough to that point that you can exist here.” The man explained, gesturing to the void around them.

 Omega looked at her hands, then back up at the man. “So, I’m dying? Isn’t there anything I can do? Are you dying?”

 The man shook his head. “I passed on years ago. The best thing you can do is find peace and wait to see what the Force wills.”

 “Peace? How can you tell me to find peace?! I’m dying!” Omega yelped. “That’s not something you feel peaceful about!’

 “You are strong in the Force. Your body might be gone, but your soul will remain. There is nothing to fear.” The man said, trying to calm her down.

 “Easy for you to say, you’re dead! Look, maybe you were okay with dying, but I’m not.” She huffed, getting to her feet.

 “Where are you going?” The man asked, sounding somewhat amused.

 “I’m gonna find a way out of here. I need to tell Wrecker that what happened wasn’t his fault!” Omega said, looking back over her shoulder as she picked a direction and started walking.

    She did not find a way out.

 Omega groaned and flopped down when, for the third time, she ended up back where she started. The man was still there, looking over at her as she visibly deflated.

 “This sucks.” She muttered.

 “Giving up?” The man asked.

 “Well I don’t really have a choice. There’s no way out, so I guess I just have to wait and see if I die.” Omega sighed, tears starting to form as she felt frustration build in her chest.

 “If you give up, you almost certainly will. You must have faith in yourself and in the Force.” The man said, patting the space beside him. “Come, I’ll show you how to meditate. Connecting with the Force isn’t a bad way to pass some time.”

Omega looked uncertain, but moved to sit next to the man.

 “So, are you going to tell me your name, or am I going to have to call you “dead bearded dude” forever?” Omega asked, not afraid to sass a ghost.

 The man actually laughed at that. “You remind me a great deal of my padawan. He always had a quick remark ready on his tongue. My name is Qui-Gon Jinn, but you may call me Jinn.”

 “Your padawan? You’re a Jedi?” Omega questioned.

 “I was. I died before… well, before everything went wrong. I wish I had been able to stay around longer. I had never wanted to leave my padawan alone like I did. I’m not sure he ever found peace after my passing.” Jinn said, sounding remorseful.

 “I’m sure he misses you. I don’t think I would get over the death of someone I cared about very easily, if at all.” Omega said, staring out into the shifting darkness.

 “Jedi aren’t supposed to mourn. We believe that there is no real death, just your life returning to the Force.” Jinn responded.

 “Wow. That sounds…” Omega frowned, her brow wrinkling, “really awful. No wonder the Force is mad at you guys.”

 “What?” Jinn reeled back a bit, not at all expecting Omega’s statement.

 “Yeah. It said that the Jedi ruined someone named Anakin. I think he was the Force’s favourite.” She said.

 Jinn blinked. “How do you know about my grandpadawan?”

 “The Force told me. I was created to be Force-Sensitive, so I have an unnaturally strong connection.” Omega explained.

 The ghost’s eyes widened.

 “Oh Maker, that- that is not good.” He whispered. “How the hell did they manage to piss of the Force?!”

 “Maybe by teaching this Anakin guy your terrible ideas on life?” She deadpanned. “Did you tell him to not mourn and also to just be at peace with dying?”

 “Something like that…” Jinn said, putting a hand on his face.

 “Jedi suck.” Omega said simply.

 “They can.” Jinn agreed. “But not all of them are bad. My padawan tried to help Anakin, but he didn’t understand how bad things were until it was too late. The guilt he feels from his failure is so great, I feel it even as we speak.”

 “What happened to them?” Omega asked. “Your padawan and Anakin?”

 “Anakin has fallen to the Dark side, and he now acts as the Empire’s attack dog. My padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, now resides on Tatooine. He watches over Anakin’s son.” Jinn said. “If you would like, I could ask him to train you. I could tell right away that you were strong in the Force, even before you told me to what extent. I’m sure you and him would get along extremely well.”

 “I don’t think I’ll be doing any training for a while.” Omega said. “I- I got really hurt today.”

 “I know. The Force felt your pain, and we could feel its alarm.” Jinn said sympathetically. “What happened?”

 “I’ve been travelling around with a group of clones who’s chips didn’t activate right away. Today, one of theirs did, and he ended up chasing me down into the bottom of a Jedi cruiser. There was lots of steam and really hot metal, and, and…” Omega shuddered at the memory, phantom pain rippling through her.

 Wait, was that phantom pain?

 “It seems as though the Force doesn’t wish for you to join us yet.” Jinn said, pointing to Omega’s hands. They were becoming more and more transparent as the seconds passed.

 “What’s happening?” Omega cringed as she felt another wave of pain hit her, a couple of tears dripping down her cheeks.

 “Don’t be afraid. You’re waking up.” Jinn said quickly. “Consider my offer, little one. Reach out to me when you have healed.”

 Omega tried to respond, but found herself unable to. She felt heavy, and she started to fall into the void. She blinked, and the world went white.

    Wrecker hovered by the doorway, unwilling to go in. When he’d woken up, his memory had been fuzzy for a moment. His head had ached a bit, but nothing like it had before. He’d been shocked to see the muzzle of a blaster pointed at his face, and even more surprised to see that it was Rex who was holding it. He’d held up his hands instinctively, shrinking back in shock. He must have done the right thing, because Rex’s face had softened and he had moved the blaster away. Once he’d gotten over his surprise, he’d asked why Rex had been pointing a blaster at him.

 His stomach had dropped when he got his answer.

 He’d been standing just outside the door for a while now, needing to see for himself that Omega was alive, but also not being able to bring himself to face her after what he had done.

 He’d been assured that no one blamed him for what had happened, that it was the chip’s fault. But it hadn’t been a piece of metal in his brain that had grabbed Omega by her little throat and slammed her against that burning hot steel. That had been him. How did you even begin to apologize for something like that? Could you even apologize for that? Or had he just irreversibly shattered his relationship with Omega?

 “Wrecker.”

 Rex’s voice brought him out of his own head. The blonde was standing on the opposite side of the doorway, looking at Wrecker expectantly.

 “Aren’t you going to go in?” He knew that Echo was sleeping in the room, so he kept his voice low.

 “No, uh, I don’t think so.” Wrecker murmured. “I think I’ll stay out here.”

 “For how long?”

 “Forever.”

 Rex sighed. “Wrecker, you can’t keep avoiding them.”

 “But what if they all hate me? I wouldn’t even want to be around me after what I did.” He said, crossing his arms as he looked away.

 “No one hates you, Wrecker. You were a victim, too.” Rex said.

 Wrecker didn’t respond, still looking down at the floor as Rex laid a comforting hand on his arm.

 “Just remember, Omega is going to need all of her buirs while she recovers.” Rex said, smiling as Wrecker startled at the title.

 The burly man turned the word over in his head. He’d only ever been a vod before, and he’d never even once consider that he might someday be something more. The idea wasn’t an unpleasant one; he actually liked the idea of being seen as a parental figure, but how could Rex even think that Omega would still think of him as such, if she ever had before.

 Suddenly, he heard a familiar yelp, followed by a thud. Instinctively, he jolted into the room, eyes wide with fear when he saw Omega on the ground. Tech, who seemed to have been dozing off, had startled awake, knocking over the chair with how fast he stood up.

 “Omega!” He gasped, stepping forward to help her up.

 Tech beat him to it, the younger clone easing Omega into his arms with extreme care. Omega instantly buried her face in his chest, shivering as she whined in pain.

 Hunter and Echo practically materialized beside Tech at the sound, and Wrecker didn’t miss the way Hunter’s hands twitched upwards, like he wanted to take Omega from Tech and hold her himself.

 Perhaps Rex hadn’t been too far off when he’d called them her buirs.

 “What happened?” He asked, shuffling a bit closer.

 Tech’s eyes flickered up towards him, and he silent exhaled in relief when he saw no traces of the hatred he had been expecting to see.

 “I don’t know. She was sleeping just fine, and then she suddenly woke up and fell off the cot. I think she’s feeling her injuries.” He said, quickly looking towards Rex. “Where is the sedatives? We need to give her a low dose so we can reapply the bacta.”

 “It’s in the cabinets. Wrecker, grab a sedative from that cabinet there!” Rex barked, rushing over to a different cabinet. Wrecker obeyed without question, retrieving a pack of needles with a green liquid within them.

 He gives the sedatives to Tech as he set Omega down. The girl wasn’t too happy about having to release Tech, and she clung to him as she cried. Tech looked at Hunter for help, needing to administer the sedative but not wanting to make Omega even more upset. The man instantly brought Omega into a hug, holding her while Tech opened a needle. He whispered reassurances as Omega tucked her face into his neck, shivering all the while.

 Finally, Tech managed to get the sedative ready and he stuck it into Omega’s neck, grimacing when she squeaked in pain. After a few tense minutes had passed, Omega relaxed, still breathing hard as the sedative kicked in. Rex came over soon after with some more bacta, and they quickly applied the healing substance. Omega pulled her face away from Hunter’s neck and looked around the room, her eyes wet and still a bit wild looking. Her eyes met Wrecker’s, and the enhanced clone realized that he was now in the very room he had just been trying to avoid.

 “Hey Wr-wrecker,” She said, her voice still shaky, “how’s y-y-your head?”

 To his complete and utter surprise, she smiled at him as best she could. It was a little bit wobbly, and it looked like it was hard to keep it there, but he could tell she wasn’t forcing it.

 “It’s- it’s good. I’m okay now.” He said, rubbing the back of his head.

 “Oh, g-good! I was w-worried ‘bout you.” Omega said, leaning against Hunter’s chest as she shakes.

 “Me? You shouldn’t worry about me, Omega. I’m not worth worrying over.” He said, shaking his head. Omega frowned, her eyes becoming misty.

 “N-no! It’s not your fault! You weren’t in control!” She argued, trying to sit up. She hissed when her back muscles were moved, and she was quickly eased back down as Echo gently pushed on her arm. “Please don’t blame yourself.”

 She sniffed, and Wrecker quickly put his hands up. “Okay, okay you’re right! I won’t blame myself! Please don’t cry…”

 He moved closer to her, kneeling down in front of the cot. She reached a hand out, and Wrecker slowly took it gently. She squeezed his hand, blinking away tears. She breathed, struggling a bit from her throat muscles being deeply bruised.

 “I-I,” He started, looking down as he tried to think about what to say, “I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am, Omega. I tried to control it, tried to stop, but I just-”

 “Couldn’t.” Omega finished. “I know Wrecker. It’s okay, I forgive you.”

 “Don’t.” He said instantly. “Don’t forgive me, at least not yet. I gotta earn that.”

 Omega huffed but nodded. “Okay Wrecker, if you say so.”

 Wrecker nodded, more to himself than to Omega. He kept holding her hand as Echo applied bandaged, the clone trying to avoid touching Omega’s skin as much as possible. After around half an hour had passed, Omega’s eyes began to droop. She yawned and, upon deciding that Hunter would make a good pillow, leaned into him and settled down to sleep. Hunter didn’t dare move, lest he disturb Omega. Even when she fell into a far more peaceful sleep, she kept a sturdy hold on Wrecker’s hand.

     Pillow sniffed the air, trying to figure out where Warm One had gone. Blue Stripes, a new human that had apparently joined their group, had led Warm One’s pack into this large, broken metal den, and they had yet to come back out. He’d brought her doll, just in case they were staying here for a while. Pillow hauled his way up into a vent, wiggling through the cold metal space. He could hear something moving around up ahead, so he followed it, eventually ending up above an open room. He poked his head down, cocking his head in confusion.

 There was a human standing in the room, staring at something in his hand. He wore the same colours as the other members of Warm One’s pack, and he smelled extremely similar to them, but he didn’t recognize him.

 ‘Must be a lost clutchmate.’ He thought sadly. ‘Poor human. Don’t worry, I’ll bring you back to your pack!’

 He dropped down, sitting on his haunches. He honked a greeting as the human whirled around, his weapon raised. Ah, he must not understand that he was here to help. Humans had practically useless noses, after all. They needed to use their eyes to identify each other.

 Pillow dropped the doll, nudging it towards the human. He pauses, then picks up the doll, turning it over and examining it.

 ‘See? I know where your family is!’ He thought.

The human stares at the doll, then at Pillow.

 “Where did you get this?” He asked, and Pillow thinks that his voice is a bit… cold.

 Ignoring that, he sniffs the air again. It takes a moment, but he eventually picks up the scent of blood and tears and familiarity. He honked, now worried. Was Warm One hurt? Was that why she hadn’t come back?

 ‘Hold on, Warm One. I’m coming!’ He thought, taking off down the hallway. The new human was quick to follow.

[i-donot-forget]

First Conversation - Leiftan

Eldarya New Era Words 1531

An awkward conversation with my beloved Daemon, oh Leiftan, when will you return to my arms?

I really want to see that "magic connection" in action.

First Conversation - Lance

Second Conversation - Lance

Giggles and whispers perfumed the air of the Guard of Eel, its inhabitants had spent the afternoon curiously observing the comings and goings of the last Aengel, assisting the giant of the Light Guard, Jamon had spent the whole day with a serious expression, letting out an occasional soft growl when someone approached with the intention of interrupting his assistant's work, even though inside he was enjoying Erika's simple company a lot.

When the armory was impeccable and every weapon and tool in place, Erika gave the giant a wide smile full of emotion that he returned, it was time to receive her reward. She almost hopped around Jamon, while he carried a heavy wooden tub over his shoulder in the direction of the young woman's room.

After spending more than three-quarters of an hour moving buckets of hot water and adding the contents of a few small jars Huang Chu gave her, Erika finally relaxed.

She stripped off her clothes in the privacy of her room and looked at herself in the mirror, inspecting every corner of her skin. Since she left the Crystal, everything had been travel and emotions, not a single moment of respite or distraction, not even to assimilate everything she had experienced, she simply had not had time but she could no longer continue to neglect herself, after her awakening she felt different. She knew that she was no longer the same, and yet she had no idea of the extent of this change in her mind and body.

Tracing the surface of her skin with the tips of her fingers as she followed them with her eyes through the mirror, she noticed something that disturbing her, all her scars had disappeared. The "L" -shaped mark on her knee from when her father taught her to ride a bike. The oval burn on her forearm from when her mother tried to teach her how to make caramel. The almost lightning on her thigh, from when she escaped from the institute jumping a wall with her best friend ... And others more than her conflicting emotions did not allow her to remember. Even the dozens of injuries she had suffered since she came to Eldarya. She searched her back, near her kidneys. Naytili's stab had also disappeared, that which almost cost her her life. She pressed the place where the wound was hard as the flashes of that fight surfaced from her memory, she felt a familiar pain, the wound was still there, only it was no longer written on her skin.

She pushed those thoughts out of her mind, not wanting to embitter her evening. She sighed deeply and slid into the hot bath, leaned back slowly allowing the water to embrace her nakedness, threw her head back and struggled to blank her mind. She rambled between emotions and familiar sensations, she felt that her body wanted to talk to her so she gave in when the need to fully immerse herself arose in her. In the fetal position, almost floating to the bottom of the tub, she let that pleasant warmth cradle her.

She felt happy, safe and protected, far from the outside world, as if she were returning to her mother's womb, she forgot everything, she abandoned herself to that familiar warmth. She couldn't remember images, but she had certainly felt that way before, she just couldn't remember when or where, but sooner rather than later she came to her, the Crystal, that's how she felt while inside the Crystal, discovering this. little mystery. She smiled and returned to her pleasant trance. Suddenly she stretched out her arm and her hand searched for something that she felt should be there but that she did not find, that absence of this caused her great emptiness and anguish, she felt desperate and her soul cried out for him.

She got out of the water, she had had enough, too many sensations went through her head so fast that she did not realize how long she had held her breath, she took a deep breath until she stabilized and put on a light robe, even being completely soaked, she sat on her bed staring at nothing.

A tingling in her hand brought her out of her coma, she looked at her fingers curiously for long minutes until another stimulus caught her attention, she walked slowly towards the door, without conscience and at the same time with a strange knowledge of the cause. In front of the door she hesitated a moment before extending her arm to the surface, she stretched out her fingers and her entire palm pressing softly and almost fearfully against the wood. It was cold, hard and immovable, she waited impatiently until a subtle burning caressed her skin causing a slight start in her. She moved her hand from the surface to the doorknob and in one slow motion opened it.

Leiftan was outside her room with his hand floating where the door was and with the same confused and certain look as Erika. They stared at each other until she took a step back and he entered the room without saying anything, closing the door behind him. The young woman was sitting on her bed, with her hands on her thighs, she hesitantly she did not know if look at him. An unpleasant sensation began to grow in her stomach, a strange and abnormal discomfort in her. She clenched her fists on the thin fabric of the robe over her legs.

- You are ok? -

His voice breaking through the tense atmosphere only increased her discomfort. She turned her head from side to side, stood up, and walked doubtfully around the room, looking at him helplessly from time to time for help.

- I ... took a bath and ... -

Rubbing her hands that were beginning to feel damp and shaking, Leiftan crossed the roo  to the window, looked at her, and nodded, encouraging her to continue.

- T-the water. It's feel like to be back in the Crystal, but I-I ...-

She could not continue speaking, a blockage in her throat prevented her from uttering a word, it almost hurt, Leiftan approached her cautiously, waiting for her approval with every step he approached.

- I-I feel strange ... And every second more ... -

Hearing her words, he took a step back and sighed, she didn't know it but they both had the same heaviness in their hearts. Leiftan also had problems with his hands, tangled the threads of his clothing between his fingers uneasily.

- I have been practicing my meditation, I remember not long ago you asked me to find a solution for ... our situation. -

Erika tried to process the information and her feelings, she understood then that discomfort, that horrible anguish ... that unbearably unpleasant feeling was not hers, it was what Leiftan was feeling right now. That fact made her cheeks flush with shame, she felt humiliated ... She had called him and he didn’t want to be there.

- Could you please not do that. -

The young woman's tone sounded even more aggressive than she had planned, like a low, subtle growl. He looked at her in surprise and bewilderment, he didn't expect that reaction from her at all.

- I thought it was what you wanted. -

- I want to get rid of this that ... unites us, but your meditation is definitely useless. -

- I do not understand. -

- I didn't think that I would go through this again, that you would make me feel that way again. -

- What are you talking about. -

- Stop lying Leiftan! -

The man was shocked, completely paralyzed by Erika's violent reaction, he stepped back, he was in her territory, cornered.

- I-I really do not understand. -

- I can feel your discomfort Leiftan, whatever you are trying to hide… I can feel it. If you don't want to be here, go away, but stop pretending and liying, it's disgusting ... -

- Sorry. -

Leiftan couldn't keep holding her gaze, he needed to get out of there as quickly as possible, he felt a stab in the chest. He flinched when he passed her, she looked hyperventilated, shaking and glassy-eyed, but she wasn't done.

- And if ... I call you again, I don't want you to come, I'll learn to control it. -

Those words had been like a gunshot, Erika felt her heart so tight that she couldn't breathe. Leiftan's expression winced and she exploded at her pent-up emotions.

- So you can leave me your cynicism now! We no longer have to see or be together! Was not that what you wanted !? Am I not just a part of your evil plan ?! -

- Erika! Things are not like that, I always made it very clear that you are all that matters to me. -

- SHUT UP! Shut up Leiftan! Don't you understand that I'm beyond your deceptions? Haven't you lied to me enough? I DON'T KNOW YOU AND YOU STILL KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME! You can read me and feel me! I'M NAKED IN FRONT OF YOU. And you? I do not even know who you are… -

Erika hadn't noticed when Leiftan had turned his back on her, but without turning to her, he walked to the door and said goodbye to her before leaving.

- Good night Erika… -

[generalfoolish]

Ramikadyc

Ramikadyc: commando state of mind

Rating: 18+ (minors take a hike)

Warnings: FLUFF, grief, mentions of loss, blood mention (blink and you'll miss it), some musings

Word count: ~1K

Pairing: (eventually!!!) Din Djarin x F!reader

Summary: Two Mandalorians talk about loss

A/N: Hey babes! This is part of the #mandomay2021 prompt list. This was 15, so I'm still off, but I have more time tomorrow! Sorry, I always get so busy on the weekends. I'm moving house, so it's been kind of crazy. Also, may get sexy next time. I know it's been pretty tame. This is mostly fluff though. Enjoy 💕

Masterlist | Atin | Ad'ika

Let me know if you want to be tagged!

You were firmly planted in the passenger seat, and you were trying your best not to pout. Din had a million complaints about your ship, and the creature comforts you had allowed yourself. You had only managed to sneak your bedroll on board, before he had hustled you back to his ship, and prepared to take off.

In return for the cartel leaders, Dune had gotten you another lead. A big lead. Toydaria, despite aligning with the Galactic Republic, had become a prime area for holdouts. Imperials had been messing with the locals, and when the New Republic had gotten wind of it, they'd all but dismissed the concerns.

Regardless of the implications for the denizens of the Republic, it meant that you and Din were free to chase down the rumors yourselves.

You thrummed your fingers against your knee, the cloth soft under your skin. And again, your mind wandered to what freedom you had. Freedom to hunt down the animals still loyal to the Empire. Freedom to show your face, and bare your heart to the man you loved. Freedom to choose your next strike.

Your mind settled on Din, and you considered his sacrifices. It seemed he was trapped behind them, and you wished he could taste freedom as well. After Toydaria, you'd suggest a trip back to Dagobah. His thoughts seemed much quieter after seeing his son.

"How was your covert?" You asked him, the silence shattering around you. He tossed you a quizzical look over his shoulder.

Even now you saw how much he gave. The Crest had automation, and could navigate itself. But, Din was controlling the ship through space. He'd told you earlier that he didn't think the Crest's system would hold up to the meteor belt you were going through.

"Ramikadyc. You know, very militant. We learned many forms of fighting, and survival. But, it wasn't bad. It gave me structure. I was very thankful for it, they saved me." He lamented, not for the first time. You had to admit, they had raised Din well. He embodied Ramikadyc more than anyone you had ever met. Resilient and confident, nearing arrogance. His experience was similar, but so different to your own.

Your clan was a matriarch. Your father was off fighting more than he was home. Once he left, and never returned. You were an adept fighter, to be sure, but your buir had wanted you to be strong in every way. “This was the way,” she had told you while teaching you to stand up for the oppressed. “This is the way,” she had told you while making sure you knew the systems that mandalorians were welcome in. This was her way, a different way to Din's covert, but the same ideas supported them. To make a new generation stronger.

"What about you, ad’ika? What was your clan like?" He asked, stealing another glance at you. You wondered how you looked in the low light of space, the briefest illuminations glancing off stray meteorites. You wondered if he truly found you beautiful like this.

“Different, but the same. Less militant, but insistent all the same. It was up to my buir, and it was only my brothers and I.”

“You never speak of them.” He reminded you, softly. You closed your eyes and willed the last images away. Blood soaked stones, dented durasteel, and echoes of screams ringing through the halls.

“They were younger than me.” You told him, talking as softly as he had. “Full of wonder and life. I had to flee the covert. I didn’t have anything, except a ship and armor for some time. They had insisted that our buir get the ship. There were two of them, twins. I...miss them constantly.”

“I was an only child. I cannot imagine your grief. I’m sorry you lost everyone, mesh’la.” He had switched the navigation system on to give you his full attention, and now he reached out. His skin was smooth on yours, his gloves had done their job. You relished this time with him, unsuited, so you could feel and see all of him.

“Thank you, Din. I know you have had your fair share of grief.” He nodded tightly, and squeezed your hand.

“You should rest, it’ll be boots down as soon as we get there.” He leaned closer and pecked you. It was chaste, but his familiar scent filled your nose. Always smoky, like a campfire, and leather. You wanted to take him back to the bedroll, and wear yourself out on him. You feared you’d never get rest on your own.

You didn’t offer, though, You knew his answer. He’d purse his lips, as if in thought, and then gently decline. He’d blame the ship’s controls, but you knew that he could easily switch to automatic controls. You wondered if this had anything to do with his earlier behavior.

Giving Din a smile, you turned and slipped downstairs. You passed by the weapons, and grimaced knowing the darksaber was in there. Din had seemed...scared. You had never seen it before, his fear. But it had charged the air when the darksaber was out. As if the sword were feeding on the negative energy. You blanched, now hidden from your lover, to think that he was losing even a part of himself to something he wanted no part of.

As you curled into bed, you wondered, not for the first time, if Bo-Katan would take it easy on Din. If she would fight without gusto, knowing that Din didn’t want to do it at all. You’d heard the story, Din had told you, him offering the darksaber, yielding to Bo-Katan. Was it hubris that stopped her? She would be hunting him down, looking for the saber. It would be best if they stayed away from Grogu, so Bo-Katan would have no leads to him.

You closed your eyes, and tried to quiet your mind. Meditation was a lost art on you, so counting bantha it was. You barely registered it when you felt strong arms encircle you.

[summahsunlight]

Perhaps It’s Fate, Part 21

Rating: T, to be safe

Word Count: 1.6k+

Summary: After joining the Resistance as a mechanic, you were happy to keep to yourself, until a little orange and white bb unit and his master wander into your workshop one day.

Pairings: Poe Dameron x Mechanic!Reader

Start from the beginning!

Taglist: @ms-dont-care​, @starless-eyes-remain​, @elmoakepoke​, @marvelobsessiononastick​, @kiaralein​, @softly-sad​, @totalpoedameron, @ordinarymom1​, @sevvysaurus​, @spider-starry​, @liadamerondjarin​, @jingyuhearteu​, @dream-alittlebiggerdarling​, @paintballkid711​, @ren-ni​, @lostinwonderland314​, @elite4cekalyma​

Taglist is still open! Just send me a message, ask, or comment here if you would like to be added🥰 Thanks for reading!

Eventually Poe sent BB-8 to coax you out of your hiding spot a few hours later; the Resistance was leaving Crait and you could not hide forever. When you appeared in the main hanger, everyone knew to give you a little space, to let Poe be the first person to approach you--everyone that is except Finn.

Poor Finn hadn’t been around long enough to know this routine and when he cut in front of your path, broadly grinning and happy to see you--you panicked--startled by someone so quickly approaching you--and this time there was no place to hide in the main hanger since the Resistance was packing up the Millennium Falcon to depart. 

You were trapped and fight or flight kicked in.

Next thing you knew, Finn was on the ground, his nose crocked and a shocked expression on his face because he wasn’t sure what he had said that had offended you. 

“BeeBee-Ate, see if you can find Finn some ice for his nose,” Poe said, reaching out and helping the other man off the ground. “Sorry,” the pilot mumbled. “I should have warned you.”

“Warned me about what? All I did was ask her how she was feeling,” Finn. said, gingerly touching his nose. He glanced in your direction, saw your eyes wide with fear, backing away from the two men. Something wasn’t right with you, you were acting so strange. “Is she...is she okay?”

Poe looked at you then; he’d seen you like this, so many times, but now all he could hear was you sobbing I can’t control it!  Were you okay? No. But you would be. He waited until you had a clear path of escape before approaching you--if you didn’t feel cornered you typically calmed down quickly. “It’s okay, love, you’re safe here, remember? No one is going to hurt you.”

Blinking back tears, your eyes darted about the main hanger. If others knew what was going on, they certainly were not paying any attention to you, respectively giving you space as Poe often demanded from the first few times a panic attack had happened on D’Qar. Tentatively you took a step towards him, but someone dropping a crate, startled you some more, and you jumped back in fear. 

“Deep breaths,” Poe reminded you. “Take deep breaths, love.”

“Should we get her some water?” Finn sputtered.

“No, it just needs to work itself out,” the pilot responded.

“What needs to work itself out?”

“Panic attack.”

His words snapped you back to reality and you let out a strangled sob. It only took three large, running steps to get to Poe, but you were there, and he was holding you and rubbing your back while you cried into his chest. Once again he instructed you to take deep breaths, coaching you through them. 

Finn seemed to understand now. Several troopers had been sent for reconditioning because of similar behavior that you had just displayed. He supposed it was much easier to erase the anxiety than to have to deal with it for the First Order. It wasn’t so simple for you. And after such a tough mission, where you all almost died, Finn wasn’t surprised you were experiencing a panic attack now. 

Poe was well prepared, however, he’d done this several times before. He had an instinct for when it had passed and when you were feeling closer to your normal self. Easing his hold on you, he led you up the ramp into the Falcon. BB-8 rolled along besides you and settled into a small nook, hidden away from the eyes of the Resistance members. 

You plopped down onto the blankets that Poe had previously set up for you--he’d known you still needed some time away from everyone and had managed to find a spot for you on the freighter to do just that. You didn’t deserve him. 

“Are you hungry? I managed to scrounge up some ration bars.”

“No, thank you.”

“Want me to leave BeeBee with you?”

“Only if you don’t need his help.”

Leaning forward, Poe pressed his lips to your forehead. “I can manage without him for a while. Besides, I think you need him more than I do, sweetheart.”

You felt BB-8 roll closer to you, pressing his small, round body against your side. A soft, sad smile spread across your face at the familiar contact. If Poe wasn’t available to sit with you, his loyal little droid was. And somehow that always made you feel better. “Yeah,” you whispered, pulling one of the blankets around your shoulders, “maybe I do.”

Poe caressed your cheek and promised to check on you later. BB-8′s photoreceptor followed the pilot as he walked away and then he turned back towards you. 

Gently, you rubbed the top of his domed head, and drifted off to sleep.

-----

Rey and Finn were waiting for him at the end of the ramp.  

Poe sucked in a sharp breath and offered an easy smile to them.

“Is Y/N okay? I swear to the maker, Poe, if I had known...”

“I know, Finn. She’s fine; BeeBee-Ate will keep an eye on her.”

“I could teach her some mediation techniques,” Rey offered. “They... they help calm me when I’m angry. Maybe they’ll help Y/N when she’s anxious.”

The pilot knew it was more than just anxiety that plagued you--however, Rey’s gesture was nice. Her heart was in the right place. “It’s up to her,” Poe said with a shrug of his broad shoulders. “Any word on where we’re heading once we’re done packing up?”

Finn shook his head. “Not yet; I’m sure the General even knows where we’re going yet. She said there was very little talk about after the First Order’s tracker was disabled. They had to act quickly to save the most lives.”

Poe ran his hands over his face. He was exhausted; he wasn’t sure when the last time had been that he actually got a full night’s sleep. But there was no time to let up now. There was work to be done--he couldn’t just walk out on this war, no matter how tired he was. “Well, we can’t stay here much longer--the First Order knows we’re here.”

BB-8 rolled halfway down the ramp, clearly distressed. Poe knelt down when the droid got to him. “What’s wrong, buddy?”

Rey headed towards the ramp immediately after BB-8′s response, but Poe stood, held his hand up and stopped her.

“Not the time,” he said, shaking his head. 

“Not the time for what?” Finn questioned.

“To teach Y/N meditation,” Rey mumbled. “Poe. If she’s having trouble sleeping...”

“If you wake her up from a bad dream... she’ll have another panic attack,” Poe said, “Let me handle this.”

Before Rey could even object, Poe was up the ramp and heading back to the spot he had left you in.  Tangled up in the blankets, you were murmuring in your sleep, a fearful expression on your face--Poe had seen this before, when you had dreams about the night your parents were killed.

Gently he placed his hand on your shoulder and shook you. “Y/N? Sweetheart..... wake up. You’re dreaming.”

You gasped, your eyes flew open, and when you saw him, your arms were immediately around his neck.  

Poe hushed you. “It was just a dream, love. You’re safe, you’re not on your home world--you’re not watching your parents die.”

“It...it wasn’t them that died this time. It was...it was you.”

“Oh, sweetheart, it’s okay. I’m here--I’m not leaving you.”

Burying you nose against his neck, you wished that could really be true--but you knew, there was still a war that needs to be fought and won--and the galaxy’s best pilot wasn’t going to just sit on the sidelines and watch. You silently began to cry; the First Order could still take everything away from you, they could still take Poe and leave you with nothing.

Poe eased you back against the blankets and settled you into a comfortable position, making sure you were securely wrapped in his arms. His thumb wiped the tears away, rubbing soft, comforting circles into your skin. “Please try to get some sleep, love. I’ll stay right here. Promise.”

You did feel sleepy; panic attacks took most of your energy once they were over. “But what about the Resistance? The General?”

He shook his head. “Right now, you’re more important. They'll manage without me for a few hours. Besides, there’s no way Rey or Chewy are going to let me fly this ship when we leave, so... I have time.”

“What’s going to happen to us?”

“We’re going to keep going--because the galaxy is depending on it.”

“But if we lose...”

“We’re not gonna lose...”

“But...”

“Go. To. Sleep.”

His lips began to press soft kisses on your cheeks, your lips, and when your eyes finally closed, across your eye lids. “You deserve better,” you mumbled, almost incoherently. 

Sighing, heavily, Poe tightened his arms around you, pulling you in closer to him. You’d had his conversation before and every time he’d tell you that he didn’t want anyone but you. It broke his heart that you thought you weren’t good enough for him--all because of your panic attacks. Stroking your hair, Poe pressed his lips to your temple. “No; we were meant to find each other. We were meant to be together.”

You laughed, sadly. “Fate? It was just BB-8 who was bored, and roaming around the base looking for things to do that found me--you just happened to follow.”

“Are you complaining that I did?”

“No, I’m not.”

Poe kissed you, tenderly. “Good. Now, darling, please, please--go to sleep.”

Feeling safe, loved--you finally complied to his wishes.

[queerprayers]

hi!! first of all i just wanted to say i really appreciate your blog (and your instagram too!). your thoughts have provided me great comfort. anytime i see another queer, leftist, christian my heart fills with joy!! i think: ‘oh! there are other people like me!! there are so many wonderful people out here who love God and are accepting and supportive and loving!’ so thank you- for making me feel less alone and for giving me hope. thank you for existing and just being you- it means more than you know (especially as a young (only 15) queer christian). was scrolling through your blog this morning (on holy saturday) and i started crying. i’m not sure why. because i was overwhelmed with love for god? because i am confused about religion and things? idk but it was a weirdly intense feeling- like a cry i needed. anyways, i hope you are having a wonderful day and that your easter is full of love and hope and all the wonderful things!

i did have a few questions for you (i guess they’re questions?? or just asking for your opinion). no pressure to respond btw

1) (i’m a lesbian) and i’m afraid i’ll never find another queer girl who loves God/is christian/is religious who will also love me. i want to have a relationship with someone who not only understands the struggle of being a queer christian, but someone who can help me learn and grow in my faith. i’m just afraid that i’m asking too much and i’ll never find that.

2) i often feel ashamed(?) of being a christian. even though i am one, whenever i hear “christian” i don’t think of very nice and accepting people. i feel like people like you are in the minority(?). and so i almost never talk about my religion or anything because i am afraid people will assume I am homophobic/transphobic/racist/misogynistic/slut shaming. i feel bad for feeling this way though.

3) (last one 😅 ) what is the difference between religion and spirituality? and how can i, as a christian, explore spirituality?

I’m finally answering this so thank you for your patience! I relate so much to that joy of finding someone else like us— it’s exactly what I felt when I discovered queer Christian communities online! I’m so happy that I can give you that comfort and recognition— it’s all I want. I’m sorry I made you cry but I hope it was what you needed and I’m so happy you’re processing and stuff! Being overwhelmed and confused are two emotions I am intensely familiar with. 

I had a lovely Easter, thank you! I hope yours was wonderful as well <3 Thanks for numbering your questions :) This is perfect, and here are some answers/thoughts:

1) I relate! And I’m sure so many others do too! When religion is important in your life, it can be hard to find someone who’s on the same page. And when you’re queer, that adds a whole ‘nother layer, doesn’t it? My last relationship (and my only serious one) is a testament to the fact that there is hope! She was an absolutely lovely lesbian Christian and we talked about faith a lot. She really changed how I thought about faith and even though we’re not together anymore (for tragic backstory/mental health reasons), I still hold close the spiritual growth I went through with her! There are people out there to connect with, even if being queer can be a really lonely experience. I met her through Lex, which is a really cool app. :) Also, we’re both so young! There’s so much beautiful time for us to grow and meet new people, and I have hope for both of us. <3 You know what you want, and you deserve that. Wishing you luck!

2)THIS THIS THIS! Listen, every time I’m in a queer or progressive space, this goes through my mind. And there have been people who’ve assumed I’m all manner of horrible things when they learn I’m Christian! I talked about a similar situation in this ask. Religion is a super hard topic for a lot of minorities, and I always have to remember to respect that anger/trauma, as well as standing up for myself and my beliefs. There are reasons that those stereotypes exist, and also harmful consequences from those stereotypes. A few things: There are a lot more of us than we think. Since I’ve been open about stuff on social media, so many religious people have admitted to me they’re queer, and so many queer people have admitted they’re religious! There are so many people who just don’t talk about one or both of these facets of their identities because of the reception they might get in both religious and queer spaces. You don’t have to feel bad for this. You don’t have to feel bad for not opening up about every part of yourself (especially to strangers/acquaintances). No one has a right to your identities/beliefs! These are things for you to talk about when/if you're comfortable with. That said, the best way to combat these stereotypes about Christianity is to be a Christian and a loving/accepting person. People have told me that I've changed their idea of what being a Christian is, or that they'd never met a "nice" Christian before. Obviously that's a lot of pressure, and not everyone is called to be that representation. But the more openly queer Christians there are in the world, the more we can fight those stereotypes! Go at your own speed, and it might not be till later in your life/journey (or never!) that you become more open, and that's okay. I pray that you encounter accepting people in your life that are open to learning new things about groups of people!

3) Generally, religion is organized/external, and spirituality is informal/internal. So religion tends to based on historical figures and religious texts, with formal rituals and houses of worship, while spirituality tends to be more experience-based and personal, without a set of defined beliefs. Many people describe themselves as "spiritual but not religious," meaning they connect to a faith/practice or have their own personal belief system, but don't go to church/belong to an organized religion. Christianity as an institution and set of beliefs is a religion, but many Christians have some kind of spiritual practice, and some off-sets/teachings within Christianity are spirituality-based (like mysticism). Not all Christians connect with spirituality, though— my dad, for instance, always jokes that he's "religious but not spiritual." There is room for both, though! And I think it's really healthy so have both external and internal sources for your faith.

Ideas for exploring spirituality as a Christian: meditate on scripture, connect with nature, read/research saints who participated in spirituality/mysticism (x), journal

Some resources: The Society for the Study of Christian Spirituality at Johns Hopkins University, "Christian Spirituality and Social Transformation" by Philip Sheldrake, "Christian Spirituality: Theology in Action" by Dr. Alex Tang, Presentations by David Monyak on Christian Spirituality: an Introduction by Alister E. McGrath (1999)

Okay, I think that's everything! Anyone who has anything to add can reply/reblog, and if I've missed anything, feel free to shoot me another ask!

<3 Johanna

[little-boats-on-a-lake]

Part Fourteen

They were gasping for air when they reached the house, but there was no way either of them would back down from a challenge to race. It was also strangely fun to sprint while holding someone’s hand. Someone’s warm and comforting hand…

“So who is Maurus the Monstrous?”

Felicity asked, biting into a slice of bread. They were sitting at the table, taking a “quick break” that had turned into lunch. She wasn’t complaining. Maybe she could do magic better without an empty stomach.

“Back to this, are we?”

“I don’t know, I was just thinking about it. I mean, maybe you use his magic somehow?”

“So you think he just… possesses my body?” He stopped to think for a second. “That does actually make sense. But I do remember some things from… being him.”

“So maybe it’s like a... negative manifestation of your magic.”

He didn’t need to know she just made up those words on the spot. It fit well enough.

“Who knows? Do we really need to address it right now?”

“Well, in case he comes back, I should know how to protect us, right?”

“Protect us, huh?” He liked the sound of that. Wait a second- “Are you… are you worried I’m going to hurt you?”

“Well, yeah. If you don’t know how to control Maurus, how do we know he won’t ‘take over’ you again?”

She had meant it as an actual question.

The silence was deafening.

She glanced over at him. He was doing that thing again where he talked to his hands instead of her, but he wasn’t saying a word. Oh, shi-

“So you do think I’m dangerous,” he whispered, as if he couldn’t believe it.

“No, no, no! Not in that way! I know you would never hurt me!”

“It’s okay.” He was still quietly addressing his hands. “I know you didn’t mean it like that.”

“That’s just it. I… I know you would never hurt me. You�� you never did.” Realization hit her like a slap in the face. “I can’t believe I was so stupid.”

“What?” He looked up at her.

Her tone of voice had changed and it was strange to hear. It wasn’t bright and chipper or sarcastic or flirty. It was ()

“This was never about you, was it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Me and you, fighting this whole time. I thought you were wrong, and I was right, but neither of us were ever fighting each other! I was… I was being used! They used me like I was... some kind of a weapon!”

Things started trembling and rattling around her. He didn’t miss how her hands trembled in time with them. He eyed them nervously. She had never used magic like that before.

He knew all too well how magic could lash out when you lost control of your emotions.

“Calm down, Sunny.” He attempted to hold her hands, a meager attempt to calm her down, but she yanked her hands away.

Was the floor always this tilted? 

“I... I was wrong this whole time! I don’t even know why I had to fight you!”

“Sunny, how about we just relax a bit and talk about this calmly?”

“Calm?” Her eyes were wide and wild. “I… This isn’t a calm ‘let’s talk about this’ time.”

“You… you’re scaring me.” Yeah, he was scared. Scared for her.

And also his own safety. But that was irrelevant.

“Oh, I scare you?” She asked sarcastically. “Good, you should be scared. That’s what they want anyway, right? I’m terrifying!”

Magic flashed through the house in a dark red light and all of the hovering started to whip around them violently. The force of the tempest she was creating made it hard to stay on the ground. If she didn’t calm down soon, they would both be ripped apart by the storm. This called for a bit of drastic action.

“Sunny, please take deep breaths with me and calm down, or else I’m going to have to do something I really don’t want to.” He shouted over the wind. She turned her rage-filled gaze to him, hair whipping wildly behind her and tears racing down her face.

“Do what? I… I’m a freak! I was built for pain! Come on, hit me with your best shot!”

“I am so sorry.”

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

He plucked a frying pan whizzing around from the air and closed his eyes.

CLANG.

Her entire body slumped along with everything that crashed to the floor in a loud cacophony. That was probably a very stupid idea, but it was an idea and that was a start.

“I probably could have handled that better.” He murmured as he carried her over to the couch.

He stopped in his tracks.

Blood.

There was blood on his hand where he held her.

Normal wounds were typically fine and could heal themselves, but an untreated head wound could be dangerous.

He let out a deep breath as magic flowed from his hand into her head. The cost of healing magic was much higher than the magic needed for simpler spells. A vise-like grip clenched around his chest, forcing all of the air out of his lungs. Slow and steady breaths. Slow and steady. Slow and steady, damnit. This wasn’t going to work unless his hands stopped shaking.

Nope. Not the time for that. She got hurt because of him so this was more than fair. Steady hands now. A faint light flowed from his hand into the swelling lump on her head, which quickly closed up and smoothed over. 

He sat back on his heels. What had he done? Even if he managed to fix it, he still hurt Sunny. What was wrong with him? Why would he do that? He really was a monster if he could hurt her just like that. Even though he knew he had technically hurt her before, he had never meant to. It was almost as if someone was controlling his actions and he was just watching from inside his own head. This… this was him controlling his own actions. And it was horrible.

“I’m so sorry, Sunny.” He lay his head on his crossed arms, facing her. She looked innocent and peaceful, just as she did when she was sleeping. He reached out to stroke her dark curls and chuckled softly. “I should have figured you wouldn’t be one for meditation.”

“’S not your fault.” She slurred. He almost jumped back. Her eyes fluttered open, staring right into his. “I’m just too hot to handle.”

“That didn’t even make sense.” He let out a broken laugh, quickly wiping his eyes.

“Didn’t have to. It’s still true.” Sunny croaked out in a hoarse voice, lighting up the whole room with her bright smile. It was so fake.

“I should have guessed you would learn to use magic in spite.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let myself get so worked up.”

“It wasn’t your fault either. I think you were so frustrated with magic not working for you, so realizing… whatever that was just…”

“Set off everything?” She finished his sentence. She hummed lightly, thinking about it. “I guess. I think I just needed to get all of that out.” She turned over, hiding herself as best as she could in the couch. "I'm still mad about what happened. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never did. I followed all the rules.”

“I know, sunshine. It’s not your fault. I think it was just because you had all these emotions… bottled inside you. I should have said something. You know you can always tell me anything, right?”

She peeked over her arm to see him looking at her with… sympathy? No, that wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t a familiar emotion. He looked at her as if she was something precious and special, even if she had just wrecked their home in a mental breakdown. It was a soft and warm type of feeling, not a harsh cold she had gotten so used to.

Soft and warm.

Like him.

She liked soft and warm.

“I really am sorry.”

“It’s okay. You know what this means? Now that you know how to use your powers, I can start teaching you how to use magic!”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And we’ll break lots of plates to teach you.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

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