#she's very familiar with how i meditate best & so when she wants to teach me a new one her guided meditations are perfect for me

[friendofthecrows]

they gotta make nap-length sleep mediations. Also ones where the speaker doesn't sound like the world's most annoying yoga intructer or perhaps therapist.

[oneatlatime]

The Warriors of Kyoshi

Two in one day, look at me go! Do not expect this rate going forward.

Before we start. I'd like to give thanks to the writers for putting the place name in the episode title. As someone who has been attempting to spell things phonetically, but has no familiarity with non-english names and has therefore screwed up many many times, I am grateful.

I really didn't notice Zuko's voice in the last episode but he's back to sounding like a muppet in this one.

My man that meditation is not working. Nor is the hair. After that burst of flame how do you have hair left?

Somehow I missed last episode that they had named the lemur. Welcome to the gang, Momo!

So this is going to be the 'Sokka faces his sexism' episode. I'm going to get really nitpicky here. Sokka says "You need to give girls space when they do their sewing" and Katara responds "What does me being a girl have to do with sewing?" Well, nothing actually! It's Katara who makes the leap and ties the two ideas together. Sokka then 100% puts his foot in his mouth (and follows through with getting his pants in his face) and I love the way Katara responds to it! Sew your own pants Sokka! But I gotta say, if Sokka had only kept his mouth shut he would have been in the clear.

"Where we're going you won't need any pants" is not a relaxing statement Aang.

Appa rocking the Justin Bieber look.

Guess Katara threw those pants harder than I thought she did. He's only got one tooth left.

'Lookit me! Lookit me! Mom are you looking? Mom did you see me? Mom are you watching? Mom did you see? Mom watch this! Mom look at me!' -Aang, while harassing the local wildlife.

Growing up in the South Pole, jumping into any body of water is absolutely insane, so yeah this tracks.

I love how Momo is the most enthusiastic watcher.

What do koi eat? There must be a lot of it here.

The fish is doing all the work!

Nessie on roids.

They caught Momo! I love how this implies that Momo carries the same status as a threat that the humans do. They don't blindfold him though. Do you think they had a bag big enough for Appa?

Yikes this is turning into an after school special. Rule of thumb: if you have to flanderize your character in order to make them objectionable enough to be a candidate for the lesson of the week, maybe that's not the right character to use to teach the lesson?

Is this Water tribe or Earth kingdom territory? The warriors are in green, but everyone else is in water tribe blue. Assuming the colour coding we've seen with fire and water extends to earth, maybe the warriors are assigned there?

Kyoshi is a place and a person. Now picturing Aangland. Also I guess the warriors are from here after all.

Aang is really good at finding ideally placed sharp edges on which to cut his ropes.

I like the game of telephone sequence and how the colours gradually change from blue to red.

Needs to eat but too tired to get up. We've all been there buddy.

Katara absolutely going for the jugular in the breakfast scene. Speaking of, Sokka's line reads in that whole scene are just beautiful. Offended and cranky, but still showing genuine appreciation for breakfast.

First time Katara's made me laugh out loud. She's spot on.

This painter's line reads are great too!

Your dance lesson? Sokka you're letting me down. You're making me want to watch the warriors beat you up. You're the best warrior in your village? You're the only warrior in your village. You won by default. (Although it must be said that he does refer to his potty break pals as warriors, so maybe he thinks of himself as the best of many).

Sokka how is your shirt staying closed? And you totally brought that on yourself.

Passed out Momo.

Oh lord AANGY?

Do you think one of those warriors could be convinced to do the Sokka treatment on Aang too? His head's getting a little big. Parallels!

Warrior lady Sookie has some very poor line readings. She's not helped by the fact that she's contrasted with Sokka, whose voice actor is probably the best in the show.

Aangy seen here being very unmonkly. The back and forth here is great.

"I got you!" Yeah Sookie he did. "You're not going to get it in one day, even I'm not that good." Maybe you aren't but Sokka is.

Nessie on roids has enough thinking skills to use his own self as a table. Well done Nessie. Don't hurt yourself.

Did the airbender forget he could airbend? He's being flung around through the AIR by Nessie. Just bend!

It's a good thing Katara is a waterbender, otherwise going into the water while wearing head to toe furs would have absolutely drowned her.

How does Katara know Zuko's name? Or recognise his ship?

How does Katara bend water out of Aangy's lungs? Doesn't she have no training at all? I feel like that could have gone horribly.

Momo includes himself in the 'girls come quickly' statement.

This has Mexican stand off vibes, as does the music. Also why are people hiding from firebenders in wooden houses?

This is why I don't like after school special plots. Sokka's been learning their technique for a couple of days and he's already better at it than Sookie. Which retroactively justifies all his patronising sexism from earlier in the episode.

Fire breakdancing is shockingly efficient. He took out three opponents while flat on the ground. Also Zuko is getting some serious air on his jumps.

That's twice now that Zuko has reacted to Aang's presence by saying "Finally."

Did Zuko happen to be carrying a bag of coal dust? Either way he's dead.

Shmymbolism!

Katara gives the single most stupid advice possible 'get inside this flammable building children!' and follows it with straight up lying to Aang's face. I'm glad he called her on it. And I'm glad she was so quick to change back to what she's been trying to tell him the whole episode (we need to LEAVE). You were right all along Katara, don't bend the truth now to make him feel better.

BIG SIGH. I don't know if this is bad writing, bad line reading, or both. It's just so corny.

So now he remembers he's an airbender. Also I hope he had some sort of air shield when he hit the water.

Roid Nessie's water breathing dragon traits coming in handy. And I thought that was just worldbuilding. That's two episodes in a row where what looked like worldbuilding was also plot. Sneaky!

Ha! They're going to rust.

Appa caught him! With his paws!

If I was the leader of Kyoshi, I gotta say I wouldn't be thanking the avatar. Thank you for luring the fire nation to our previously neutral territory and then having the decency to fix the immediate problem that caused, though long term we're still screwed. Assuming that Zuko's actions represent fire nation actions, Kyoshi's neutrality is gone and the houses no longer have roofs. Do you think the fire nation does reprisals?

So pretty.

And I've been spelling Suki incorrectly. I guess the gimme with the episode title was too good to be true. Gotta check my hubris. I need a Sokka treatment myself.

Final Thoughts

This episode ANNOYS me. First, the good:

I'm glad that the show touched on the status of avatar going to Aang's head. The first couple of episodes firmly characterised Aang as not wanting to be the avatar, but you'd have to be superhuman not to let it go to your head just a little. And Aang wouldn't be anywhere near as fun to watch if he was superhuman.

I also like that Aang explicitly verbally acknowledges that Katara was right, and that he can put into words the ways he was wrong and the lesson he learned. The lesson has a better chance of sticking if he can actually articulate it.

I like how this show is consistently sticking to actions having both good and bad consequences that can't be bended/handwaved/magic-ed away. In episode two, the flare went off and now the village at the south pole has a giant gash in it and Sokka and Katara had to leave home. In this episode, Aang stayed too long and now the village has burned down. There's no magic fix. This makes the world of the show feel real, and feel like something that's worth caring about. Actual stakes mean actual investment by the viewer is not wasted.

Katara got a turn with the brain! She was right about Sokka being a sexist jerk, right about Aang getting a big head, right about Zuko following them if they leave. I like Katara being right.

The bad:

I am not liking the direction that Aang and Katara's relationship is going. It's fine for Aang to have a little crush, and it's fine for Katara to baby him (he is younger, and judging by the ages of all the children in her village apart from her brother, Katara's been a mini-mom for a while). But it's jarring when those opposing perceptions are so blatantly juxtaposed. I think this is one of the places where the fact that I'm an adult and this show is for kids is making itself known. If I had watched this at 8 or 9 years old, I probably wouldn't have even picked up on the opposing dynamics. I can't quite articulate why it doesn't sit well with me. It just doesn't.

And now, the Sokka arc. BIG SIGH. Sokka needed to grow past his sexist tendencies. No argument there. But his sexism boils down to believing in the gendering of tasks and that said gendering has a basis in fact. That there are man things and woman things. That men ARE better at man things and women ARE better at women things, with the corresponding (though unacknowledged) belief that women are worse at man things and men are worse at woman things. Sokka was supposed to have these beliefs challenged and ultimately overturned in this episode by meeting, and being beaten up by, Suki and her warriors, women who excel at (what Sokka thinks of as) man things. Suki and her warriors do challenge the first part of Sokka's original beliefs, that being a warrior is a man thing. But after a 45 second training montage he gets the best of her.

Being a warrior seems to be Suki's full time job. We never see her out of her armour; this is her role in the village, a role she has presumably trained for for many years. And Sokka gets the best of her in the training room, and fends off Zuko after she fails to do so herself. If Sokka surpasses Suki so quickly at what she has devoted her life to, I guess being a warrior is naturally easier for men. And sure, women CAN be warriors, Sokka outright says it (although Suki kind of has to correct him as he only get halfway there), but putting aside the dialogue and looking at the action, Sokka's just better.

For that matter, given that Sokka was quite literally the only man over four years old in his village, he must have been used to seeing women fulfilling a male role. Unless his demonstrated subpar fishing skills could feed the whole village, the women were going hunting. Which is why I said he was flanderized earlier. He might want to believe in the gendering of tasks because it makes him feel manlier or more connected to his interpretation of his culture, or heck maybe it give him a sense of purpose or makes him miss his dad less, just spitballing here. But there's no way he hasn't spent every day since the men left for war seeing that belief be contradicted. And sure, he could have some cognitive dissonance going on, especially since he seems to have staked his whole identity on his manliness, but would that cognitive dissonance be enough to insult a pack of warriors to their face while tied up, then insult them even worse while they're actively practising with their weapons? I guess teenage boys have done stupider.

I'm probably reading too much into this.

The meh:

Zuko in this episode is literally just filling the villain of the week slot, and serious step down in narrative focus after the last episode, where he got a whole arc.

So I have problems with this episode. I like the avatar stuff temporarily going to Aang's head, but I don't think it redeems the rest of the episode. It won't be going on my rewatch list.

Last, totally vain complaint: this episode was nowhere near as pretty as the Southern Air Temple. That one had beautiful contrasts with blue/purple air and red/orange fire. This one is just beige.

[maggicktouched]

@bokketo this was supposed to be SHORT and it hit me out of nowhere. I was just going to shoot the idea at you in discord but I got the urge to write it out.

She'd practically been born with a needle and thread in her hand. As a young girl, it'd been absolutely impossible to get her to sit still for any length of time, so her mummi began teaching her the very basics of sewing and knitting and embroidery work as soon as she was old enough to be trusted not to thrust the needle straight into her eye. Even her mother had found the hobby respectable---that or she was simply happy to have anything that kept the little girl out of her hair and quiet. As an adult, she could make just about anything she set her mind to.

Currently, that was a complete reconstruction of the view of her gardens from the sitting room on the second story. It had her favorite window in the manor with a breath-taking view of the many rows of brightly colored blossoms and painstakingly groomed bushes. The wonder of it and the peace that it brought her could likely never be perfectly captured in anything, but with enough dedication, the shimmering threads on her hoop were getting close.

She hummed contentedly in her concentration. Now and again she'd mutter a few words from an old familiar folk song as her fingers twisted the thread around the needle to make another French-knot. She didn't hear the sound of footsteps in the corridor outside the open door; it wasn't necessary to be so guarded here. No matter how much they disagreed or occasionally quarreled, Draco had never allowed anything to harm her---especially not here within the walls of their home. It wasn't until the fire blazed to life across the room that she even realized he'd come in.

"Draco, is everything alright?" She asked gently, eyeing the book and small stack of papers he was setting out on the desk across the room.

"There's a chill upstairs." He replied, taking a seat in front of his work and turning away from her.

"We---are upstairs, my love." Beck gave him an odd look, trying to decipher just what on earth he was up to.

"Very observant, darling." She could just barely see the way he tried to cover up a smirk as he looked over his work.

Beck pushed the needle through her fabric and did her very best not to look amused. Smart-mouthed little bugger.

"Did the fireplace in your office collapse entirely, then?" She could be cheeky too, if that's what they were doing.

"Hardly." He muttered, pausing to scribble something on a bit of paper. "One fire was hardly going to heat the whole house."

But the elves could have lit the others. She thought to herself. "Oh. And you needed your books to---remind you how to do a fire spell?"

He shot her a look as if to say 'you've got to know how ridiculous you sound' and then turned back to whatever he was writing. "It's late. I don't feel like walking back."

"I see." She didn't bother to hide the little smile on her face as she returned to her work. Why he felt the need to make up pretend reasons to spend time with her, she couldn't fathom, but it was sweet nonetheless. Beck turned her attention back to the garden scene in front of her, resuming the monotonous, almost meditative motion with her needle and thread. Only this time she stayed quiet, because given the hour, whatever Draco was working on was likely important. Only the fire crackling and the occasional scratch of a quill could be heard.

After several minutes, she saw him look up from the corner of her eye.

"Why did you stop?" His tone was as mild as ever, but he narrowed his eyes curiously when she met his gaze.

"Stop what? Singing? I assumed you were trying to concentrate." She briefly sat aside her work and took a sip of her tea that had long since gone cold. He hadn't been totally wrong, there was a chill in the room that she hadn't noticed until he'd lit the fire. She curled her legs up beside her and tilted her head ever so slightly. "Do you---want me to continue?"

Draco sat up a bit straighter and turned back around with a shrug, as if he hadn't been the one to ask in the first place. "It's your house. Do whatever you please."

That's a yes. She thought, pursing her lips together lightly to hide a small chuckle. Beck reached over and took her needle in hand once more, humming a low, gentle tune, and felt, for one rare instance, completely content.

[tameblog]

Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

[ramestoryworld]

Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

[alexha2210]

Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

[angusstory]

Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

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Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I���m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

[romaleen]

Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

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Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

[iamownerofme]

Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That��s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

[shelyold]

Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

[iammeandmy]

Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

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Corrina Gordon-Barnes’ journey from dating guys to finding a wife…thanks to travel sickness! And of course the best food to help with travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your partner…) In addition to this story, at the end of this episode I’ll share with you the best food for travel sickness (in case you’ve already found your wife or partner). OK enough hints from me, let’s get on with the story. Our guest, Corrina Gordon-Barnes I am super excited to be joined here today for our story by Corrina Gordon-Barnes. Corrina is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships. So Corrina, welcome to the Clean Food, Dirty Stories podcast! I’m really excited to have you here today! Corrina: Thank you so much for inviting me to connect with you. Me: Oh well you’re so welcome! I love your story and I really can’t wait for us to share it with everybody. Corrina’s story, starting with being boy mad Me: Without further ado, the first question I wanted to ask you…and I’ve said a little bit about what you do now, but when you were small, or younger, how did you see your dream relationship one day? Did you have princess dreams or did you have a particular type of partner in mind before you actually met your life partner? Corrina: Well, I was boy mad. Me: Boy mad! Corrina: Boy mad, like going through my primary school years, I remember that I was the one in my class who learned about sex really early. I was the one who would get all these teenage magazines, even as a late primary school age kid, and I would be teaching my friends at school. “You can get pregnant the first time you have sex” and “be careful with your boyfriend”. Me: Oh my god! A relationship expert…in primary school Corrina: I was like this relationship expert, even at that age I was teaching my friends. Like “these are all the myths, don’t do this, do this” and so I was kind of boy mad, I was relationship mad. Getting into my teens I remember with my friends we would literally kind of go out prowling the streets. We would walk along the high street in my town where I lived and we would be looking for boys and we would be kind of flirting and coy. There was always some boy that I had my eye on. Always some guy who had my attention, I would try and make sure I was in the same place as him so that he would see me… Me: Sounds familiar, yeah. So I was definitely, I definitely wanted boys. That was very clear to me. Me: And you got engaged to a boy at one stage, right? Corrina: Yeah, so I had one really long term relationship before I met who is now my partner, and we got engaged at age 17. Me: Wow! We were gonna get married and we were gonna have all these babies and we were gonna live in this particular kind of house and have this life… That was the path that I thought I was on at that age. Me: So then what happened to take you off that path? The path to self-discovery Corrina: Well that relationship was not the right one, and so that ended 4 years later and I stayed then single for quite a while. You know, I was really wanting to find myself. So I went on this whole spiritual, personal growth journey. I read every book I could get, I did meditation, I went vegan… It had this whole kind of personal growth change in my life. Me: What do you think prompted that? Was it the end of that relationship that prompted that? I mean, what were your thoughts? Were you just like ‘Oh I think I need to take care of myself more’ or become a different person, or…? Corrina: I was in Australia and I was just there travelling for a year. And I met this guy – surprisingly enough – in a cafe. He just said “Hey I go to this meditation course down the road, why don’t you come along”. And so I went and that very first moment, that very first time in the room with that meditation teacher, she told me that I was a spiritual being. She said to me – to the whole group but I really heard this – “You are a spirit soul having this human experience, but you are a spiritual being”. It was like someone had just told me who I was. Like “oh my gosh, that’s who I am, this human life is how I get to journey and explore and have an adventure, but I’m a spiritual being”. The layers (or the clothes) fall away Me: So did you have that as like an inner knowing, or how did you experience it? Because people experience those things in different ways, right? Some people experience a physical sensation of light, other people experience it as just an inner sense of knowing… Corrina: It was like all my clothes fell off. Me: (laughs) Um…I haven’t heard that one before! Corrina: It was like this casing, this casing just fell off. I literally woke up the next morning and I was vegan, I went from a complete meat eater to being vegan overnight just like that. And I was just on this journey then to just explore and discover myself and get back to the essential nature of my being. It was like everything that wasn’t true about me just kind of fell away over the coming months. Me: Wow. That’s very cool! Corrina: Yeah, it was pretty cool, I felt much lighter, it was like clothes coming off. I was just light, I was much, much lighter, much more energized, much freer, much more joyful. Me: It’s interesting that you say that for you, all your clothes coming off, like some people might associate that with being exposed, right? Being vulnerable. And for you, you associate that with being light. So that’s really interesting. Corrina: And just free. I remember in Australia, those kind of days, weeks after that moment. It was like I was floating along the streets. I was so free, I was feeling so connected with people, like I had just woken up. On to Cambridge University…and a fated bus trip Me: Yeah. Wow! And so how did you get from there to Cambridge University? Corrina: Yeah, so I decided that I wanted to do teacher training so I came to Cambridge University and signed up for the English and Drama teacher training course here. And on that very first day in class, they sat me next to this woman called Sam. There was something about her that just immediately kind of, like something just…a light bulb went off or something just happened. It was like ‘Huh, she’s just come on my radar really strongly, why am I paying attention to her so much?’ So she was really in my awareness and we were both in the same school together so we were both placed to do our teacher practice in the same school. And on the first day of teaching practice, I got onto the bus that would take us to our practice school and I got on and she was sitting in the front seat. Now I always need to sit in the front seat in a bus because I get travel sick. So I just went over to her…I’d already clocked her as someone who was on my radar, and I just said “Oh, are you OK if I join you in the front seat?” And she said “Yeah sure, I have to sit here because I get travel sick” and I said “Oh me too!” So we sat side by side and over the months to come we became best friends. Just absolutely clicked, became best friends, incredible support through the whole teaching practice. A brave declaration Me: And was there any like physical attraction at that stage? Or did that come later? Corrina: Immediately! Immediately, I was like ‘Huh! What is this woman doing to me, what is this, what is happening here? I just feel energized around her, she lights me up, I feel excited, I feel like the world is just kind of shinier…’ Me: Wow! Corrina: Everything just felt brighter and more energized. Me: It sounds like a good, a good…I don’t know, I mean, I’ve never like taken acid or anything but (laughs) it sounds like, you know, a positive drug experience without the drugs, right? Corrina: (laughs) Totally! Totally, a kind of ‘switch-on, turn-on, I’m awake, I’m alive, oh my gosh, who are you’ kind of thing. Me: Was it the same for her as well? Corrina: Well what was so funny was that over the months that then came, was that I basically told her (laughs). I just said “Basically I’ve realized that I’m just completely in love with you. Do you feel that too?” Me: Wow! That was so brave of you cause you were friends at that stage, right? Like best friends, you don’t want to wreck your relationship with your best friend by taking the risk but you did! Corrina: I just did! And that’s kind of, you know, the kind of continuity of the whole spiritual journey for me of just like I’m free. You know, I’m free. If I feel this thing, I have to follow my heart. I have to just blurt out like “I’m in love with you, I don’t know if you feel the same way”. And to start out with, it wasn’t something that she let herself feel straight away. Determined and keeping faith Me: So what did she say when you said this? When you blurted this out? Corrina: She said “You know, I feel really connected with you, I love you a lot as a friend, but it’s not romantic for me”. Me: And how did that make you feel? Corrina: Oh, heartbroken. Absolutely heartbroken. But also there was something… it was almost like inside I was going ‘You just wait!’ (laughs) ‘You just wait. I know that you’re the one for me, I’ll just be patient, I’ll just hang on’. Me: Oh wow! Other people though could have had quite a different reaction, right? I mean some people might have, I imagine anyway, some people might have just, you know, stayed in the heartbroken phase and then just walked away, right? And lost it. Corrina: No, I believed, I really had faith that this… There was a reason I was feeling this way, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t shake it, I just kept believing in it and stayed consistently just loving her and being a good friend in the months where… You know, it took 3 months basically of us staying friends and me just loving her, and loving her, and loving her. And then just after Christmas we got together as a couple. And just before Christmas… Me: And what happened? So how did that happen? Like you’re friends, it’s been like you know 3 months, she knows how you feel, did she just all of a sudden like make a move? Or did she say something to you? Corrina: Well, I made the move. Again. Me: (laughs) Oh my god! So it’s like ‘OK I’ve already been kind of rejected once, let me have another go’. Right? Corrina: Exactly! (laughs) Or a few gos! So there was that initial conversation and then there was another conversation where I basically said – this was just before Christmas – I basically said “Are you sure?” Me: Oh my god! Corrina: “I still feel this thing…” and she again was like “No really, we’re just friends”. So that was the second time and then third time lucky! I just made a move and I thought ‘You know what? I’m just gonna take a risk again, I’m just gonna be bold. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, right? What’s the best that can happen? I can be with the love of my life’. Me: Oh my god – yeah but that was still just so…Right, OK. That was still just so brave. Once is already like super brave, right? Braver than most people. Twice is like oh my god, you know, three times you start to think OK, hmmm… Corrina: Yeah, and it worked! (laughs) Third time lucky and it was just after Christmas and that was now 13 years ago – 14 years ago. What was she thinking? Me: And so what did she, like…You made the move and what did she then say? Was she like ‘oh I didn’t know until you touched me’ or was she like ‘oh I realized it at the same time as you’ or was she… Corrina: I think it was less of a thought thing. It was just, you know, when it happened then it just felt right. Like ‘oh this is where I was meant to be, OK, got it’. Me: And that’s what she felt too? Was that how she verbalised it to you? Corrina: Well and to give her credit here, so she’s gay and I’m bi, right? So for a gay woman, if a bisexual woman says ‘I’m in love with you’, there’s gonna be a sense of ‘hmm, OK maybe you’re just trying this out, maybe actually this is just a kind of short-term thing for you and really you’re gonna want to be with guys’ Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that, yeah. Proving her love Corrina: So it’s a real credit for her that for those months she was, you know, guarding her heart for that, because you don’t know what’s gonna happen, if that person declaring their love for you is gonna be constant. So I had to kind of prove that actually I meant it. When I said I loved her, I meant it and I was gonna be in it for the long haul. Me: So do you think that a part of her was not testing you, but kind of like unconsciously perhaps waiting? You know? Corrina: Yeah. Me: Oh OK, that makes a lot more sense. Cause in my mind I was imagining somebody who, you know, was neither gay nor bi and who maybe had, I don’t know, only gone out with guys or something and so then for somebody like that it would be much more of a 180, right? Corrina: Yeah, no she’s gay through and through. Me: Well, fortunately for you as it turns out, right? (laughs) The human being behind the coverings Corrina: Well that’s the thing for me as a bisexual woman. For me it’s not about the fact that I like men and women, it’s the fact that I like people and the gender is just irrelevant. And that’s kind of part of what happened in that spiritual awakening moment in Australia. It was like all of the coverings, you know, whether it’s our bodies or our personalities or any of that is kind of what covers the essence of us. And actually for me the essence of someone doesn’t have a gender. So I fell in love with her like I might have thought or indeed fell in love with guys in the past because I just fall in love with the person, you know, that essence of the human beings behind all the trappings. Me: That’s amazing because I feel the same way. It’s kind of weird how that works, right? It’s kind of like yeah, you feel the essence of the person. Seeing into the soul I mean I even had one guy say to me – this was like in a totally different context and we did not get together in the end but I do remember him saying to me at one point, I mean he wasn’t the right person for me but he was kind of freaked out at one stage. Because he was like “It’s like you want my soul!” and I was saying “It’s not that I want your soul, it’s that I see it!” I believe that I see it, right? And I think that you know, some people… I mean, credit to Sam as well because she’s obviously a really strong person too in that, you know, some people would be freaked out by that, right? Some people would be like ‘oh well…it’s the real me here that’s being…I don’t know if I want to say exposed but seen, right? Some people…we use those trappings to cover stuff up, right? As we all know, so…That brings a level of intimacy that’s probably quite cool I would imagine, right? Corrina: Yeah, and you know, don’t get me wrong, I love that she’s a woman as well. I love her long hair and her soft skin and her blue eyes, all the things that make her a woman as well I love. So it’s not like I don’t see those things, but that was never gonna be a filter, like I would only go for… The spectrum of sexuality Me: Yeah. I mean it’s really interesting because I…for me, I’m sure, I would imagine perhaps for you as well, I see the whole homosexual/heterosexual thing as this big spectrum and I have a really good friend who…Well I do playback theater and one of my friends, she’s in a playback theater troupe where they’re all either bi or gay or whatever, and then we did a workshop at one point. They were inviting guest playbackers to go. And one of the exercises they did that was…I just thought it was really cool. They said ‘put yourself…if stage left is like totally 100 percent gay and stage right is totally 100 percent heterosexual, put yourself on the spectrum, place yourself physically where you think you are’. It was really cool to see people, you know, all along the stage, all at different points. I just thought that was very normal, right? Because we’re all…for me, anyway, in my mind we’re all spiritual beings and so as you say, there’s no gender there, right? Corrina: And for some people there are. You know, that’s the thing, people who are that kind of 100 percent on the spectrum, brilliant, they’re really clear that they only want people of the opposite or the same sex. Yes, spectrum is beautiful. What Corrina does now Me: Yeah, wow! So now I really want to know more then about how… (laughs)…how you went from, well, what you do now to help people with their relationships. Because obviously you have a lot more knowledge than when you were in primary school and I know you’re helping people with a lot more than how to not get unwanted pregnancies and things! (laughs) Corrina: (laughs) Absolutely! Me: So what do you do now with people and how do you help them have these beautiful, deep relationships? Corrina: Yeah, and my work is around all relationships that are important. So it’s…my clients, some of them it’s really about their partner relationship but for others it’s about their relationship with their mom or their daughter or their brother. For me, connection…it’s a kind of cliche but connection is what we’re hard wired for. We as human beings love to connect, we love to love people with our full hearts. But there are so many things that stop that from happening within us. We get resentful, we get frustrated, we get disappointed, we feel let down, we feel indignant, all of this. And I over the course of my own personal journey have found a very, very miraculous way of dealing with all those blocks. So it’s the process of questioning your thoughts, questioning your stories, that block connection. An example of our made-up stories So let’s say I’m with Sam and let’s say she’s saying something that sounds critical. My story in my head goes, ‘she’s criticizing me, she doesn’t love me, she’s being mean to me’. You know, ‘I want her to be kind, I want her not to point out my flaws’, all of that. That is all story. It’s all mental. It’s all… Me: Yes! It’s all made up. Corrina: It’s all made up! And we don’t realize it, we think, ‘no but this is true, she’s criticizing me, this is what’s happening’. And so what I am so blessed to have come into contact with a number of years ago is the process of questioning those thoughts. Just sitting with those thoughts and asking them, ‘Is this true? Is this accurate, is this the correct interpretation of what’s going on?’ Not just is it true that that’s what’s going on, but is it true that I would be better off if it were happening differently? Me: OK… Corrina: Like am I sure? So let’s say your loved one is truly critizing you. They’re saying to you “you’re a stupid, ugly, whatever, whatever”. Can I be sure that my happiness depends on them not saying that? Can I be sure that I can only feel good about myself and peaceful if they stop doing that? Because it sets up a very limited version of life if I’m always waiting for someone else to give me something, to give me what I think I need in order to be peaceful and happy. It’s like I delay my peace and my happiness until other people and other circumstances arrange themselves in just the right way. Our rules…and our scripts Me: Yeah, it’s like our rules, right? Where we all have these rules about what has to happen for us to be happy and the more…the easier it is to be happy, then the happier we are, right? Corrina: Exactly, exactly. I talk about our scripts. It’s like, I realized pretty early on with Sam that I had a script, that if she followed this script and she said and she did exactly what I, you know, expected her to do then I would feel happy, but if she went off script then I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be pissed off. She really helped me see this, she said to me one day “Why don’t you just give me your fucking script Corrina! Give me your script, tell me what I need to do”. And I was like “How dare you! This is just what you’re meant to do, you’re my wife, this is how you’re meant to treat me”. Then it kind of dawned on me a few days later, like ‘oh my gosh, my script is the source of all of my unhappiness. Every moment that I want her to be doing something other than what’s reality, I am causing my own unhappiness’. Corrina’s ‘big work’ Me: Right. So then your relationship was, I guess, far from…I don’t want to say far from idyllic, but you had to work through some of this stuff in your relationship with Sam? Corrina: One hundred percent. I wouldn’t be doing this work if I hadn’t had to…if this hadn’t been my big work. You know, so yes like I was completely besotted with her in the beginning, and we got together and it was blissful, and then all my stories started to kick in. ‘Hmmm, well she’s not this’ and ‘hmmm, she said that and that’s not OK’ and ‘would I be better off with someone who did this’ and you know, all those stories eroded what I had imagined would be this perfect relationship. So it’s like I had to work on that, I had to take those stories and stop those stories from sabotaging this beautiful relationship that we had underneath all those stories. Me: Yeah. It’s good that you managed to do that, thank goodness, right? Corrina: I mean, it saved my marriage. It saved my relationship. A daily practice Me: And did it take a long time? Corrina: Yeah, it’s a daily practice. It really is a daily practice, it’s like if you want to be fit, like you’ve done today (laughs), you go to the gym, you go for a run, you do your yoga. You don’t just be like ‘oh I’ll do it one time and then it’s done’. If you want a healthy, thriving, fit relationship with anybody, whether it’s your son or your dad or your sister, there’s daily practice to do. There’s daily work to do every time you get triggered, every time something gets in the way of you being totally, wholeheartedly connected with the human being in front of you, you’ve got something to look at there. Me: Yeah, but at least you can…I mean, what am I trying to say, there comes a time when you catch yourself, right? At least, you know, having done a certain amount of work, then you can get to the point where you see what’s happening, right? As an observer almost and you can go ‘OK hang on, I’m doing this again, this is my script’. Whereas at the beginning, you know, when people aren’t even aware of their scripts, I imagine it takes them a little bit… well it depends on the person I guess, right? How much time it would take them to start to see and to start to implement I guess the tools that you give them, right? Corrina: Absolutely, yes, you’re completely spot on. When you get triggered And you know, now I’m at the point where I get triggered and it could be like anything, right? It could be I’m on Facebook and I see a message from someone and I feel like ‘oh they should have, you know, complimented me rather than give me negative feedback on something’. Right? Instantly, ‘oh! OK, there’s a trigger! A button’s gotten pushed’. And now I’m at the point where I’m like ‘Oooh, good, what’s here for me?’ Me: I do the same thing, that’s really funny! Yeah, I had something that happened the other day that made me so angry and then I’m like ‘OK if this is making me this angry and, you know, the other 30 people in the room are not angry, they actually think it’s quite cute…’ (laughs) We all get triggered, even by 8-year old authors I’ll tell you what it was, it was quite funny. I was at this day workshop with an amazing speaker and there was this little girl, she’s like 8 years old and she’s written a book. Actually she’s written 3 books, right? Corrina: Wow! Me: And it made me so annoyed! And I just thought…you know, not only envious, obviously envious, you know, 3 books at age 8, but also annoyed because, you know, her mom was there and I knew what it was. It brought up all the old scripts of, you know, stage mothers because I did theater before and so I had a good friend who had a stage mother who was just absolutely unbearable whereas, you know, my mom was the opposite. So I see what you mean, you get these reactions, right, that are completely irrational because the people around me were applauding her and they were like ‘oh isn’t that wonderful’ and I was like inside going ‘this is making me so angry!’ But we all get triggered, don’t we, right? Examples of tiny triggers Corrina: Oh, everyone. And it could be like the tiniest thing, that’s what I always find fascinating. It could be just one line in an email. Or it could be just the way that your partner, you know, turns over in their sleep, just the tiniest little things. Often my clients say to me “Oh, you know, I can’t bring this to you today, it’s just so small” and I’m like “No, no, that’s exactly what to bring!”. The fact that he put tofu in the stir fry rather than kidney beans, you know. There was something, there was some offense against you. So there you are with that 8 year old girl, that offense that she’s committing against you in that moment that’s kind of violating something is like, you know, ‘she’s further ahead than me’ or ‘she’s achieved one of my life goals’ or, you know… Me: Yeah, and she’s 8 and I’m 55! Corrina: And she’s 8! It’s just to be so compassionate with ourselves that ‘oh look, there’s this part of me that feels in some way threatened or violated or hurt by this, let me just so lovingly look there and heal that part of myself’. Being compassionate with yourself Me: Ah, yeah, that’s a really key point there that you brought up so I just wanted to emphasize it, yeah. That being compassionate with that part of ourselves, right? Rather than being like, OK, you know, with that kind of…what’s the word, forced smile on our faces, going ‘Ah, another beautiful part of me to transform’, you know (laughs), right? Right? And we can be quite hard on ourselves with that, right, and be like ‘OK what’s at the bottom of this!’ and take a kind of like pickaxe to it. At least that’s what I would do or could do rather than choosing to as you say, acknowledge with love that part of ourselves and treat it as part of, you know, part of the inner child or whatever you want to call it, that needs love and compassion. That’s a really interesting point that we don’t want to forget. Wow! That’s very cool. How to work with Corrina So when you work with people, I would love to hear just a bit more about what the different ways are that you…Do people come to see you in an office, or do you do things online, or how does that work? Corrina: Yes, so right now it’s one to one. There’s a potential of me offering something else in the kind of group workshop, retreat way, but not for now. What I do is I do free videos, everyone can just watch a free video every week, all about relationship hotspots and how to move past them, and then if people feel inspired and really like they’re wanting that support, they can have the one to one coaching. And for now that is by Skype or by phone, and I’m just starting to also offer that in person as well for people who I’m unable to physically meet with. Me: Yeah. That’s really fantastic, well thank you so much. What I’ll do is, I’ll link to everything that you do in the show notes but where’s the best place for people to look online to find out more about what you’re doing and more about you and to get access to the videos and things? An online video library…and a 7 Day Relationship Challenge Corrina: Yeah, so if they go to corrinagordonbarnes.com, I’ll just spell that out, and if you go to the blog page that’s where I’ve got all the videos and articles that have happened so far. So that’s a really good place just to go, it’s like settling into a library of relationship wisdom and gems, just settling in and watching some of the videos and just seeing if the approach makes sense to you. The right people for this work are people who watch a video and go ‘oh my gosh, that makes so much sense!’ And they apply that tip that I’m sharing and they come back and they say “Wow I had this incredible experience with my mom! Because I did the thing that you…” I do like challenges in the video so they’re like “I did the challenge that you set and I had a completely different experience with my mom this week, thank you!” Me: That’s brilliant! Corrina: It’s so good, it’s so satisfying. So on the blog page that’s where people can look at all the videos so far. And on the homepage people can sign up for the free 7 Day Relationship Challenge. 7 days to feel more connected Me: That sounds intriguing for sure! Corrina: Yes! It’s 7 days to feel more connected, that’s the overarching focus. How can you feel more connected? That beautiful feeling of just wholehearted connection with the person in front of you, and I give a number of challenges that you can actually implement to help you feel that way. Me: That is really fantastic! Well, I mean yeah, because as you say, we’re all starving for connection and I mean, we could do a whole episode just about the different ways people connect, right? Through food and smoking and alcohol, and, you know, apart from people, right? Corrina: Facebook! Me: Facebook! There’s so many…it’s a massive, massive topic but…so I wish we had more time! But thank you so much for being here to share your story, because I love your story and I love your journey and I really, really love what you’re doing right now, so I’m really grateful that you took the time to share that with us, so thank you so much! Corrina: You’re very welcome, thank you so much! A food to help with travel sickness So now I mentioned at the beginning of this episode that I’d share with you one of the best foods you can eat for help with travel sickness. And I think it will come as no surprise for most of you anyway to hear that that food is…ginger! Ginger has so many benefits it’s ridiculous. Not only can it help with travel sickness, but it’s also beneficial for other causes of nausea, like morning sickness, and it can help with pain relief as well. Why ginger is so helpful So this powerful little root contains loads of antioxidant and antiinflammatory compounds, including curcumin and capsaicin which are also found in turmeric which is another superfood. They’re part of the same plant family, turmeric, ginger and cardamom. Ginger also contains a ton of vitamins and minerals, including calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, niacin, iron, zinc and folate. A big list, right? And ginger is a great way to warm us up, because it’s a diaphoretic (that was my new word for today), which means that it heats the body from the inside out. So if you live in a cold climate for example, ginger can literally help warm you up inside. It also helps promote sweating, which is why it’s so good to have ginger tea if you’ve got a cold and you need to sweat out some toxins. Ginger even helps with pain relief But did you know that ginger can also help with pain relief? Two examples are exercise-induced muscle pain (so if you work out, eat some ginger), as well as menstrual cramps. So the next time you’re feeling crampy (I don’t know if that’s a word but I’ve just decided it is!), make yourself some strong ginger tea and see how you feel. Ginger can also help reduce inflammation, so scientists are looking to see if it can help with cancer, and particularly colon cancer. Ginger also is showing promise for helping treat that as well as inflammation caused by osteoarthritis. I’ll link to an article in the show notes that has more information about ginger’s many properties and benefits, it also includes links to the actual research in case you’d like to know more about that. And in addition I’ll link to an article that has some overall tips for avoiding travel sickness, including using ginger. So how do you eat ginger? If you need help with travel sickness and you want instant relief, well, you can definitely try peeling the root and gnawing on a piece…although I haven’t done that myself. Ginger’s pretty strong stuff. What I do is I usually juice a small piece of ginger with some carrots and apples for a really zinging morning juice. It tastes really, really good. Or you can pop a piece into your blender with other veggies and maybe some fruit for a green smoothie or a soup to give it a bit of a zing. It also helps you use less salt because it’s got a really strong flavor. Other people prefer to slice a few pieces into some very hot water and let it steep for a while with a slice or two of lemon to make ginger tea. And you can also grate ginger into soups, curries and other savory dishes. Or even just chop it finely and use it in stir-frys. I’ll link in the show notes to some recipes that I’ve got in my 5-Minute Mains recipe ebook that use ginger too, such as my Green Thai Curry. One thing for sure that I definitely recommend is that you use fresh ginger root wherever possible, rather than powdered ginger or capsules. I say that because the fresh vegetable is so easy to use and it’s always best I think to have the actual vegetable rather than some dried out version in a plastic capsule. But then again if capsules are all you have access to, better that than no ginger! If you do try something new with ginger, or something else that you feel can help with travel sickness, definitely share in the comments because I want to know! Have YOU got a story to share? Which brings us to the end of this week’s story – and if you’ve got a true story to share (and you’d like to know what food could have saved the day in your situation), I’d love to hear from you! Got a question, or a comment? Got a question, or a comment? Pop a note below in the comments, that would be awesome. You can also subscribe to the podcast to listen ‘on the go’ in iTunes. I hope you have an amazing day. Thank you so much for being here with me to share in my Clean Food, Dirty Stories. Bye for now! RESOURCES Link to 5-Minute Mains and other recipe ebooks: Article with nutritional information on ginger as well as links to scientific studies: Article with general tips to help with travel sickness: Corrina Gordon-Barnes is a Relationship Coach who’s committed to a world of happy couples and happy families. She teaches her clients how to be really good at relationships – how to love full-heartedly, let go of resentments, forgive, accept and live from power not victimhood. She lives in Cambridge, England with her wife, Sam.You can find Corrina at her website, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Source link

[cqlfeels]

@lansplaining encouraged me to finish this random meta nobody asked for, so let's talk about Meng Yao, Meng Shi, and 孟母三遷 (mèng mǔ sān qiān), a proverb about good parenting.

A warning: this is super long (even for me!) and is less quality meta and more my ADHD brain jumping around a maze of loosely related ideas. Proceed with caution!

Let me start by briefly going through why I decided to write this, because it’s important. In haunting Meng Shi’s tag in my starvation for Meng Shi content, I’ve multiple times come across the idea that Meng Shi pushed Meng Yao too hard, that she should’ve been more careful with teaching him to seek his father’s approval at any cost, and that she was too naïve. I’ve never reblogged this kind of post because 1) I personally think it’s rude to go out of your way to ramble about how much you disagree with someone on their own post and 2) if this was an isolated incident I wouldn't care either way, so I didn’t want to direct this rant at anyone in particular. It’s more to do with a tendency, primarily (as far as I can tell) from fans who haven’t had much contact with Chinese culture, to oversimplify Meng Shi and make her relationship with Meng Yao slightly disturbing, and I think part of it is due to CQL basically cutting out her entire storyline (so fans simply don’t have info about her to assess her fairly) and part is due to misunderstanding what a good parent is supposed to act like in the context of Ancient China.

[Of course, Ancient China is not a very useful historical concept, not any more than “ye olde Europe” - things change a lot based on time and place - but you know. It’s fantasy. Extremely broad trends are okay in this case.]

Anyway, the idea behind the posts I mentioned is, basically, that Meng Shi (usually through no fault of her own) is to blame for Meng Yao’s obsession with power, since his desire for approval was inherited from lessons she taught him. Just to start with, I’d argue that Meng Yao isn’t power-hungry as much as he craves security and respect, but that’s a different meta. Let’s assume that she really did teach him to be Like That. Was she wrong to do so? I’m not looking for “does that make for a happy, well-adjusted childhood?” or “would you raise your own son as Meng Shi did?” - I’m trying to figure out, would she have been considered a bad mother in the context of the society she lived in? I don’t think she would’ve.

It is surprisingly hard to find texts about the obligations of parents in Ancient China. Their main obligation is to raise filial children, but I feel like that’s not very useful: whether or not parents are good parents, children are expected to be filial, so a child being filial really says more about the child than about the parent. Maybe the parent completely missed the mark and society at large was what taught the child to be filial!

We can assume, of course, that parents were to raise good people, and that by learning what a good person looked like, we could figure out whether the parent was successful, but once again, I feel like that’s pinning things on the outcome, not on the process - the best of parents can end up with an awful kid and vice versa.

While thinking about all this, it took me a frankly embarrassing amount of time to remember the story of Mother Meng and Meng Zi, but once I did, it wouldn’t leave my mind - in part because the Meng here is the exact same Meng of Meng Shi and Meng Yao (yay! fun if useless parallel!), and in part because this is a story about how a woman can successfully raise a son by herself.

Okay, so important note: one of the most influential ancient Chinese thinkers is Meng Zi (孟子 Mèng Zǐ), who is known in the West as Mencius. If you've never heard of him - he's perhaps second in importance only to Confucius. When Mencius was still a young child, his father died, so he was raised by his mother, who is usually known only as Mother Meng (in Chinese, 孟母 Mèng Mǔ.)

Mother Meng's story is told in Biographies of Exemplary Women (列女傳 Liènǚ Zhuàn), which for around 2000 years beginning around the 18th century BCE, was the most commonly used book used to educate women. The book is divided into sections, each one showing a different way women could be honorable and good. Mother Meng's story is told in the Maternal Models section (母儀傳 Mǔ Yí Zhuàn.) The story has a few parts, some of which I'll quote, always from Kinney's 2014 translation.

Before I go on to quote it, though, I'd like to establish that Mother Meng's story is so, so famous that even if Meng Shi had never read this particular book, I'm almost certain she would've been familiar with at least the outlines of Mother Meng's story. I'm not cherry picking a suitable chapter from the book, I'm literally going with the most famous story in it because Meng Shi would be most likely to know this one if she knew no other story.

Okay, the first part of the tale takes place when Mencius is a young boy and Mother Meng is a widow raising him.

The mother of Meng Ke of Zou [a different name for Mencius] was called Mother Meng. She lived near a graveyard. During Mencius’ youth, he enjoyed playing among the tombs, romping about pretending to prepare the ground for burials. Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son.” She therefore moved away and settled beside the marketplace. But there he liked to play at displaying and selling wares like a merchant. Again Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son,” and once more left and settled beside a school. There, however, he played at setting out sacrificial vessels, bowing, yielding, entering, and withdrawing. His mother said, “This, indeed, is where I can raise my son!” and settled there. When Mencius grew up, he studied the Six Arts, and finally became known as a great classicist. A man of discernment would say, “Mother Meng was good at gradual transformation.”

According to the translator's footnote, "gradual transformation" is "a childrearing technique, whereby a child is morally formed through daily exposure to correct models of behavior."

From this story comes the proverb 孟母三遷 (Mèng Mǔ sān qiān) - "Mother Meng moved three times." It's come to mean that a parent - especially the mother of a male child - should spare no efforts to provide an environment that will give their child a good education, paying particular attention to what models are surrounding them.

I'm sure I don't need to say if Meng Shi was at all familiar with this proverb (and she would probably be), she must have been very stressed out over literally raising her son in a brothel. (Here I must mention sex workers in ancient China were often essentially owned by the brothels, so literally "moving three times" wasn't really an option for Meng Shi even if she could miraculously pick up another trade.) Meng Shi did however at least try to surround Meng Yao with the accomplishments appropriate for the son of a cultivator:

Xiao-Meng, are you still learning those things lately? [...] The things your mom wants you to learn, things like calligraphy, etiquette, swordsmanship, meditation… How are those things going? [...] His mom’s raising him as a young master of a wealthy family. She taught him how to read and write, bought him all those swordsmanship pamphlets, and even wants to send him to school.

Meng Yao actually talks a little bit about “those swordsmanship pamphlets” in the only time in canon he directly shares memories about this mother:

Lan XiChen, “Your [guqin] skills are also considered quite fine outside of Gusu. Were they taught by your mother?”

Jin GuangYao, “No. I taught myself by watching others. She never taught me such things. She only taught me reading and writing, and bought a handful of expensive sword and cultivation guides for me to practice.”

Lan XiChen seemed surprised, “Sword and cultivation guides?”

Jin GuangYao, “Brother, you haven’t seen them before, have you? Those small booklets sold by the common folk. First jumbled sketches of human figures, then deliberately mystified captions.”

Lan XiChen shook his head, smiling. Jin GuangYao shook his head as well, “All of them are scams, especially to fool women like my mother and ignorant children. You won’t lose anything by practicing them, but you definitely won’t gain anything either.”

He sighed in a rueful way, “But how could my mother have known this? She bought them no matter how expensive they were, saying that if I returned to see my father in the future, I had to see him with as much competence as possible so that I don’t fall behind. All of the money was spent on this.”

See what’s happening? Meng Shi cannot physically take Meng Yao to cultivators, but she spares no efforts in giving him the closest thing she possibly can -- figuratively, we might say she moved three times.

Of course, these booklets don’t work, but as Meng Yao says, how could she have known this? The cultivation world is very closed off - think of how the entire Mo household gathers to see Lan juniors, and how Wei Wuxian mentions once that “Cultivation families, in the eyes of common folk, are like people favored by God, mysterious yet noble.” Not just noble, but mysterious. That tracks, too - I mean, they live in inaccessible households and mostly leave to night hunt or visit each other, neither of which is an activity that would allow commoners to get much more than an occasional glimpse of them.

Now, if Meng Shi doesn’t even know that a pearl for Jin Guangshan was just a trinket, if she doesn’t know even the wealth of a major sect, how can she read booklets and decide whether that’s genuine cultivation or not? All that she sees is a chance for Meng Yao to be surrounded by the ideas and skills of the people she wants him to emulate - cultivators - and therefore she does everything she can to get him that chance. Mother Meng moved three times.

Okay, but maybe the argument is not “Meng Shi shouldn’t have pushed Meng Yao to cultivation” but rather “she should’ve pushed him, just not too hard." To that, I present another tale from Mencius' childhood:

Once, when Mencius was young, he returned home after finishing his lessons and found his mother spinning. She asked him, “How far did you get in your studies today?” Mencius replied, “I’m in about the same place as I was before.” Mother Meng thereupon took up a knife and cut her weaving. Mencius was alarmed and asked her to explain. Mother Meng said, “Your abandoning your study is like my cutting this weaving. A man of discernment studies in order to establish a name and inquires to become broadly knowledgeable. By this means, when he is at rest, he can maintain tranquility and when he is active, he can keep trouble at a distance. If now you abandon your studies, you will not escape a life of menial servitude and will lack the means to keep yourself from misfortune. How is this different from weaving and spinning to eat? If one abandons these tasks midway, how can one clothe one’s husband and child and avoid being perpetually short of food? If a woman abandons that with which she nourishes others and a man is careless about cultivating his virtue, if they don’t become brigands or thieves, then they will end up as slaves or servants.” Mencius was afraid. Morning and evening he studied hard without ceasing. He served Zisi [a great scholar whose grandfather was Confucius] as his teacher and then became one of the most renowned classicists in the world.

Notice that Mother Meng moved three times to ensure Mencius would have the highest of aspirations - to become a scholar. But just aspiration isn’t enough. Not by any means. Now that Mencius is actually studying, Mother Meng is willing to take an extreme action to ensure he's taking it seriously. Mencius doesn't have a father to smooth his path to success. He has to learn that aspiring to greatness isn't enough. He'll have to put in the effort as if his life depended on it. And if he doesn't persist in his hard work, everything he's done thus far will be useless. Sounds like a lesson imparted on young Meng Yao, doesn’t it?

A lot of fandom rage towards Meng Shi would apply to China's Best Mom Contender, Mother Meng. She gives her son big dreams, and teaches him how to go about achieving them in a society where failing is easier than succeeding. Yes, it's fair to say that Meng Shi taught Meng Yao to refuse to settle for anything less than being “Jin Guangshan's son, a respected cultivator.” Yes, it's also fair to say that she probably didn't allow him much time to play like children his age did. But unfortunately, in the world of MDZS, poor children probably wouldn't get to play anyhow, the difference is that they'd usually be working, not studying. Studying is a privilege! It’s a privilege Meng Yao could not afford but was given to him anyway, through his mother’s many sacrifices. We can even say that while she was alive, Meng Shi was trying to ensure Meng Yao would one day have a better life, at the expense of a fun childhood - and that's very Mother Meng of her, whatever our modern Western sensibilities might have to say about that.

Finally, I’d skip other tales (which show Mother Meng and an adult Mencius) and go straight to the poem that ends the Mother Meng section:

The mother of Mencius

Was able to teach, transform, judge, and discriminate.

With skill she selected a place to raise her son,

Prompting him to accord with the great principles.

When her son’s studies did not advance,

She cut her weaving to illustrate her point.

Her son then perfected his virtue;

His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.

I’d like to focus on the last verse - “His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.” All that Mother Meng wanted was for Mencius to not completely ruin his life, but he became great. You can so very easily see a parallel with how Meng Shi hoped Meng Yao would be a cultivator but he became Jin Guangyao, Chief Cultivator, styled Lianfang-zun, one of the Three Venerable, hero of the Sunshot Campaign.

Of course you can say “Jin Guangyao did many Very Wrong Things to get there, though!” Which, sure, okay, fair point. How many and how wrong depends on which canon we're discussing, and your own interpretation, but there’s no version of the story in which Jin Guangyao is 100% an innocent child uwu. But blaming that on Meng Shi is just... straight up weird? I don’t see anyone going “If Jiang Fengmian hadn’t adopted Wei Wuxian, he’d never have dared become Yiling Laozu!” and that’s pretty much the same logic. Would street kid Wei Wuxian have invented a new type of cultivation if he had never been taken in by the Jiang? Probably not, but raising undead armies is very much not something Jiang Fengmian could’ve predicted. In the same way, how could Meng Shi have predicted that teaching her pre-adolescent son “You are the son of a cultivator, act like one and earn your place in society” would’ve ultimately resulted in innocent deaths? How could she predict “You’re not destined to having the same horrible life I did, you can get something better than this” was a bad thing to teach? I quite honestly don’t know.

Finally, I'd like to point towards a much flimsier evidence that Meng Shi did great as a parent. And that is Meng Yao’s love. Nie Huaisang at some point comments Meng Shi is someone who Meng Yao "cherishes more than his life," and I think his assessment is correct.

Even putting aside the fact he built a whole temple to get his mother to reincarnate into a better life, and even putting aside how he refuses to flee the country without her remains, there's still crystal clear evidence that Meng Shi must've done something right. Because a lifetime of people using his mother to bully him doesn't seem to have made Meng Yao resent her. Had their relationship not have been very strong, odds are he'd feel bitter and/or ashamed of her. That doesn't seem to be the case. He's attached to her even decades after her death.

I want to be very careful with equating mutual affection with good parenting, though. When I was a rather rebellious teenager, my mother (in typical Chinese fashion) used to say that parents and children don't have to love each other as long as they're dutiful to each other, by which she meant that a parent-child relationship isn't informed by warm and fuzzy feelings, but by whether you'd be willing to do anything for each other. Specific to my case, she meant "I don't care if it makes you hate me, you will do as you're told because that's what's best for you." (That may also be the reason why people more familiar with Chinese culture see the Jiang family less as outright abusive and more as #complicated, but that's another meta.)

Whether your kid wants to hug you every time they see you is of no consequence to traditional Chinese thought - raising them to be the best they can is all that matters, because at the end of the day, you won't be around forever, but you can definitely set up your kid's life so that it goes smoothly and virtuously. How that's accomplished varies depending on many factors, but to have the goal be "I want my child to love me" rather than "I want to raise my child right" would've been considered selfish as hell.

So even if all that Meng Shi had given Meng Yao had been stern lessons about the need to go get his birthright, she would've still have been considered a good mother!! In fact, she would've been doing everything she was supposed to do, under extremely difficult conditions! (Remember the importance of environment? That Meng Yao grew up to want to be a cultivator despite having probably never even met one speaks wonders about Meng Shi's childrearing powers!!)

But just based off how over the top Meng Yao's filal dutifulness is, I'd go a step further and say that even as she did the impossible, she was also loving enough to inspire genuine affection. This is complicated because children who have present fathers could expect their mothers to be tender with them. The first century BCE text 禮記 Lǐ Jì or The Classic of Rites says that:

Here now is the affection of a father for his sons - he loves the worthy among them, and places on a lower level those who do not show ability; but that of a mother for them is such, that while she loves the worthy, she pities those who do not show ability - the mother deals with them on the ground of affection and not of showing them honour; the father, on the ground of showing them honour and not of affection.

But when the father figure is lacking for any reason, the mother must abandon her tenderness because someone must guide the child, and without a father, the role falls to the mother. A single or widowed mother had to be very careful to not smother their children with affection and raise useless, spoiled kids, or so it was thought. (The presence of Qingheng-jun and Lan Qiren is why Madame Lan can be so affectionate with the Lan boys, by the way - if she was raising them by herself she would've been expected to be much more practical. AUs where she just gets her kids and runs away could do very cool things with this idea. But I digress!)

Where was I? Oh, okay. Because Meng Yao seems to not just respect, but actively miss her, it seems that Meng Shi somehow managed to deal with her son on the ground of both honor and affection, to paraphrase.

So basically, all things considered, it seems not only would Meng Shi have been considered a great mom (if people could look past her being a prostitute, anyway) but she also went above and beyond the bare minimum. She truly spared no efforts on any front to make sure her son had everything your average gongzi would have - someone to teach him and someone to love him, access to education and confidence in his birthright. That she couldn't actually make him a cultivator, that she couldn't actually raise him in a proper home with no one being cruel to herself or him - that's immaterial. Even Mother Meng couldn't control what her neighbors did, only what she taught her son! The key point is Meng Shi tried. She did everything she could to educate her son right. You couldn't ask more of her, and quite honestly, you should probably be asking less.

Of course we can't err on the other extreme and say she was Perfect. Given MXTX only ever writes flawed characters, we can safely assume that if we'd known more about Meng Shi, we would've seen many flaws. Indeed, just the fact she didn't teach Meng Yao the guqin when he apparently wanted to learn it might point to some conflict we don't know enough to speculate about (maybe she focused too much on cultivation when Meng Yao's interests lay elsewhere? Maybe she wasn't able to sufficiently shelter him and he felt it'd be a burden to ask her to teach him anything? Maybe maybe maybe, go wild with your fics.) Nevertheless, I would never hold a female character to a higher ideal than a male character - if the male cast of MDZS can be a hot mess and still be admirable for what they're trying to do, then so can Meng Shi.

At the end of the day, when I look at Meng Shi - and I've made myself a document with all the references to her in the novel canon so I could easily contemplate her life and character - all I see is a woman every bit as determined and resourceful as her son, willing to do everything it took to raise her little boy into the sophisticated and ambitious man he became.

Finally, here's a fun little parallel that I'm 100% sure was unintentional but I still love. I said Meng Shi couldn't have moved three times. She couldn't, but I think maybe she taught her son he was worth moving three times for. Qinghe Nie. Qishan Wen. Lanling Jin. Isn't that super fun to think about?

Alternatively, tl;dr: Oh My God I Can't Believe We're Blaming Women For The Actions Of Their Adult Children In The Year Of Our Lord 2k21, Meng Shi Was Doing Her Best, Chill!

[just-someone-who-likes-to-write]

Soulmate AU

(Requested by: @deathordesire​ :  Hello!! I saw your prompts are open--would you be open to doing Nuada x human female reader? I really like the idea that they are mates or mate au and hes like jajshshe omg humans but likes her and all. Lemme know what you think! )

(A/N): I am sorry for the long wait, and sorry if the story or ending wasn’t as perfect as you would have probably expected, but I still hope that you and others would enjoy it! Sorry if it’s too long!!

Warnings: Grammatical Errors, Gore, harsh words. I don’t know what else to add.

Word Count: 7,021

Now, Nuada remembers the first time he felt that pull for the first time towards you. It happened the night he broke into the human organization where they kept his sister from him, he silently was killing every guard he met on his way, and you were assigned there. Your back was to him as you chatted with your colleague, and he took the chance of your distraction to strike, he sprinted towards both of you, your friend noticed him too late and the only thing he could manage was to open his mouth to warn you, but before he could do it his throat was cut, you were pushed forcefully against the wall and just as he turned around with his sword lifted to slice your throat as well he froze when his golden eyes fill on yours. You looked at him with wide eyes with fear, but his eyes were widened by shock, The hand which held the sword stuck in the air. He could not kill you, for some bizarre reason he could not kill you, it felt wrong, a fatal mistake. He finally moved when he saw you reaching out for your communication device, turning his blade upside down Nuada used the butt of his sword to knock you out unconscious. He stood there over your body starting at down at you, a strange ache started to form inside of him for hurting. Forcing the feeling away, he continued moving to his sister's location, ignoring what had happened with you, but it was difficult for whenever he wasn't preoccupied with other thoughts, an image of you immediately popped into his mind with the question if you were alright. It frustrated him greatly and he promised himself that when he takes over that he will make sure to kill you himself or at least see your dead body, which would be dead by his golden army.

That plan failed of course because here he was locked up in the humans' jail after his defeat against the demon they call Hellboy. Aside from his sister visiting him, he tried to spend his time practicing martial arts and then meditating, which proved to be challenging because for a while you kept popping in his thoughts until finally it was over and he got his peace forgetting about your existence completely. However, those forgotten thoughts came crashing down when he got his freedom by agreeing to help the human against those who threaten the balance between the two worlds, he saw you passing them by when his sister was giving him a tour around the building, you were busy reading papers and didn't notice him, but he sure as Hell noticed you, and from the twinkle familiarity in his sister's eyes as she saw you. Just before she could lift her hand and call for you Nuada brought her hand down and forced her forward and be away from you as fast as possible. Nuala was confused by his action.

 "Why did you do that?" She asked.

 "I don't want to meet any of your human friends." He answered coolly.

 It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the true answer either, which left Nuala feelings suspicious before shrugging it off and continuing the tour. Nuada knew that meeting you was inevitable but he still hoped not to have to meet you face to face. But here you were assigned to be the one who teaches him the rules in the training room and to his surprise and dare he say relief, you didn't show fear as most humans do. You just kept a nonchalant façade.

"… And of course, when you do train use nonlethal weapons, so we  can avoid accidents." You said as you pointed to the training equipment.

 "Don't try to give me orders human." He threatened but you looked unfazed, you turned to him and looked him in the eyes as you replied.

 "Or what? You will knock me out again?" You asked calmly. "Because if you took a good look around you can see that we are being watched."

 And you told the truth, you were being watched not only by a couple of humans who were there to train but also by the security cameras. Nuada growled down at you but you only smirked in return.

 He tried so bad not to smirk bad.

 He didn't understand the sudden fascination he felt towards this single human, whom later he learned her name was (Y/n), but one thing she knew is that it was bad and he needed to stop it. Remembering how time away from her helped him forget her he did his best to avoid (Y/n) and that's by locking himself in his new room and have his food brought by his sister, and if he needed company he would seek out his sister later at night when he is sure you didn't have a night shift in it, but even that was disturbed by the presence of the creature they call Abraham. The one being who was able to steal away his sister from his side. He loved seeing his sister happy, he really does, but he hated that her sore of happiness came from someone other than himself.

 "I do not understand why him." Said Nuada, when he and Nuala were alone. "Centuries ago, suitors from different clans and even different races came forward asking for your hand in marriage, and even though I despised them all, most of them was a better choice than him."

 "You still don't know?" Asked Nuala with an amused smile.

 "Know of what?" He asked.

 "Abraham is my fated mate." She answered with a shy smile.

 Nuada was shocked and left to be alone for the rest of the evening and a few more days. Nuala tried reaching him but he didn't answer, so she left him to his thoughts, believing that he was upset with her. However, Nuada was not, it was true that he did not approve of her mate but Abraham was nonetheless. Humans would call it a myth but having a "Fated Mate" was very much true, their senses were just far weaker than the supernatural beings senses, so they can never feel it when they meet "The One". They will never know how life will suddenly feel empty without them, how they will suddenly feel they have a purpose, how they will do anything to be by them. They won't be able to live without their touch, to hear her sweet laughter echo in the air, to see the shine of her bright eyes as she succeeded in something, the sound of her soft voice in his head, how his every thought… will be… occupied… by only… Her…

 Nuada shoots up at that last thought, his eyes widened in realization.

 "No…No no no no no no " He kept muttering to himself as he based around his room.

 It cannot be possible, his mate can never be a human. For centuries he dreamed of a life with a soul that was meant to him and he for them, but now, here he was with the possibility of his other half being a human. Nuada would rather live the rest of his life alone than being mated to a low-life human. In fact, an idea of a human mate sounds so absurd that Nuada was determined to prove it wrong.

 He decided to ignore her and not by leaving the same room she enters, but by ignoring her presence as if she was never there. He went to the training room at a time he knew (Y/n) would be there, as long as he doesn't think or even glance at her as he did his own training. It was difficult at first, his neck ached with every time he almost turned around to see (Y/n) at the sound of her voice but as the string warrior he is, he resisted the temptation to even glance in her direction. It was going to be a success, he could have walked out of the room, training finished and mind free from the human, but one pull, one simple feeling of pull urged him to glance at you from over his shoulder, and that's when he saw you on the floor staring with wide eyes at your opponent who was holding what looked like a glaive over his head ready to strike her. the next few moments were a blur but when Nuada realized his surrounding he found himself point the glaive at (Y/n)'s opponent who was now on the ground eyes staring at the edge of the blade in terror, and Nuada was feeling… fury.

 "You Imbecile!" He shouted. "The rules clearly stated to not use real weapons for a reason, if any harm came to (Y/n) I would-"

 He stopped the flow of his words when felt the gentlest touch on his shoulder, he turned and saw that it was a very worried (Y/n), who tried her best to put on a brave face, whether her worry was for what almost had happened to her a few moments ago or because he was holding a weapon so close to a humans neck, he didn’t know.

 "It's alright Nuada, he was just being irresponsible, but he learned his listen now." She turned to look at the fallen human. "Didn't you?"

 The human man only nodded profusely. Nuada felt (Y/n)'s soft tug on his arm, silently pleading him to spare him, and slowly he did pull away, then threw the weapon to the ground and hurriedly left the room ignoring the calls of his name, which gave a small ache in his heart for ignoring it. That night Nuada stayed in his room with his face buried in his hands trying to comprehend that he was going to draw blood and risk his freedom for (Y/n)'s sake. He doesn't even feel regret towards his action, rather a great relief to know that she is safe thanks to him. Nuada placed his left hand over his right arm, specifically over the spot that (Y/n)'s hand was on to stop him. His brows furrowed in discomfort when he remembered the look on her face, and his ears are still ringing from her voice calling him, he wanted nothing more than to go to her room to not only make sure she was safe but to apologize for ignoring her. With a groan of anger, Nuada retired to his bed and forced himself to sleep, ignoring the little voice in the back of his head that screamed at him to find their mate immediately. But the elven prince only closed his eyes and drifted into sleep hoping to escape the (H/c) headed girl only to find her invading his dreams, with sweet smiles and laughs and she gazed at him lovingly.

 ---

 "What do you mean she left?" Asked Nuada in a low threatening tone to the frightened man.

 He had come to the training room again to try and ignoring (Y/n) presence successfully this time, but deep down it was truly to see her again. However, when she was an hour late Nuada approaches the same man that he almost killed for almost harming his mate, and asked him of her whereabouts and when will she be around, only to be told that she left later that same night. She was taking a vacation for who knows how long and to where. If Nuada didn't remember the cameras that are watching him he would have probably slide the human's throat in frustration, he simply just left the room, having no longer the motivation to train.

 "Because (Y/n) isn't there for you to impress."

 Nuada just shook his head at the small voice, which had been taunting him for a long while now. He doesn't need to impress her or prove to her anything.

 "Yes, you need to prove to her that you are a capable mate whom she deserves."

 Nuada let out a loud groan that made everyone around him flinch away in fear of his sudden foul mood, escaping being the source of his relief, which means a trip to the infirmary. That's it. He needed to escape those damned thoughts that had been plaguing his mind, and meditation cannot help him anymore, he needs to shed blood, to fight. So he quickly changed his directions to reach the human in charge and demand to be sent on a mission even if it was as simple as a patrol. He needed to escape everything and anything that reminded him of (Y/n).

 ---

 You couldn't wipe away the grin from your face as you casually walked through the hallways while keeping an eye open for one special elf prince. Your colleagues had texts you multiple times over your time away and informed you of how Nuada kept asking about your whereabouts, how long will you take away, and who were you with. Your friends thought his actions were weird, but for you, it was a sign that your attempts to befriend him are working so well. He had indeed killed your colleagues in front of you, massacred many, tried to raise an ancient army to erase humanity from existence and rule overall. However, you couldn't ignore the reasoning behind it, he lost everything and he only did what he thought was right. Besides all that Nuala had told you many stories about him, how truly good and kind he was, how the war between the two worlds of humans and supernatural had ruined his mind, you could tell that there were many other reasons for Nuada's hatred towards humans but you didn't push any further with questions and just settled with what you know now. And so, when Nuada was finally free you decided to try and befriend him or at least make him feel welcomed, which proved difficult because he would snare at any human who tried getting too close to him and avoiding you like the plague. You believed that he was avoiding for the reason that his intimidation acts didn't work on you and since he can't harm you physically he decided to escape your presence.

 Until that incident in the training room.

 Your training partner was getting annoyed with the many times you kicked his butt in hand in hand combat and he thought he could at least try and intimidate you to put you in line and what better way to do so than use a freaking glaive against you. You could easily dodge his clumsy strike, but you accidentally tripped on your back, and since you had no time to move you just closed your eyes shut and waited for the pain. However, it never came, and when you opened your eyes to see the reason you were met with the back of the Elf prince who was not only yelling at the stupid man but also pointing the weapon to his neck ready to slaughter him. That made the flashback of when he slaughtered the man in front of you start and you felt as if someone dumped cold water down your back. Despite your obvious fear, you moved forward to stop him, which thankfully worked. When he left you chased after him to at least thank him for saving you but before you could go too far another agent pulled you back and told you to follow him to Manning's office to discuss what had happened.

 You are a great agent, one of the very best, but because of your gender Manning still saw you as a vulnerable thing, and that's why he offered you a fully paid vacation to calm your nerves. The man can be great at times, but most of the time he acts in a way that makes you wanna punch him in the face. However, it is rare to get a vacation in such a long time and a paid one too, so you didn't let the chance slip away from your hands. Then a few days later you were spammed with messages of how Nuada is asking about you and being more agitated than usual after your absence. You didn't want to lift your hopes up but you couldn't help the feeling of excitement you felt as you shortened your vacation to only one week just so you can hurry back and try again to befriend Nuada. The others either thought you mad out outcasted you because of it, because not only are you trying to befriend a prisoner but also the being that killed their friends and partners. You tried to explain to them that everyone made mistakes in life even severe ones and deserve a second chance, but they didn't listen. You understood their reasoning and forgave those who gave you dirty looks.

 Turning to another hallway and stopped in your tracks when you saw in the distant Nuada conversating with his sister who seemed to be very worried, however, most of your attention was on him, you had to take deep breaths to calm your beating heart. You didn't know if it was because of your teen attraction for bad boys returning, or because you reached a level of desperation that you would look any male even the murderous Elf in a different light, but what you know is deep down inside you, you could feel something the urged you to approach Nuada, you could have easily ignored it, but you always trusted your gut and now here you were.

 You took one last deep breath before walking forward to the royal siblings.

 "Hey, Nuala!" You called with a smile, and you could swear that from the corner of your eye you saw Nuada tense at your voice.

 "(Y/n)!" Nuala greeted back. "When did you return?"

 "I came back yesterday." You answered before stealing a glance at the prince who was avoiding your gaze but when your eyes met your cheeks flushed lightly at the sight of his golden eyes, but held yourself together. "Hello there."

 You tried to greet him but he only groaned before again ignoring you, your smile flattened, you didn't feel hurt just sudden nervousness because you truly believed that he would at least return the greeting. Nuala however, mistook your small frown as sadness and she turned to him.

 "Brother, don't be rude and return the greeting." She lectured. "It is the least you could do."

 "Why should I?" He retorted. "She is just a simple human."

 "A simple human who you ask about?" You couldn't help but ask.

 You caught his eyes slightly widen, which confirmed that what you have been told was true. Nuala turned to you a look full of bewilderment on her face.

 "He asked for you?" She asked, You nodded.

 "Yes, well, at least that's what I have been told." You answered truthfully. You heard him scuff pulling both your and Nuala's attention towards him.

 "And what if I have?" He asked rhetorically. "Don't get over your head human."

 "It's alright if you did ask." You assured, hoping that maybe he was just, dare you say, shy at being caught. "I mean after what happened last time I thought-"

 "You thought wrong." He interrupted. "The reason for my action was to prevent myself from being accused of something I wasn't the cause of. I did not do it for the likes of you."

 "Oh…" That was all you managed to say.

 You could feel a sting from his words, and it must have shown because Nuala rushed in front of Nuada to stop him.

 "Brother, what you said was uncalled for." She lectured. "(Y/n) is a very nice human, she only wants to befriend you, like how she did with me and everyone else."

 "Befriend me?" He asked with a mocking grin. "She is only trying to make herself feel better by acting nice, that's how all humans act, I have seen it many times beforehand."

 He turned to you his golden eyes staring directly into your own.

 "You are a leach." He said pushing his sister away to take a few steps closer. "You slither into those who are marked outcast by everyone else, and act as if you were "Different" from everyone else, that you "Cared", but all you truly care about is to walk around with said "New friend" as you silently say how you are better and superior to everyone else only because you did something that no one else dared to do."

 You stared at him with wide eyes at his accusations, and that seemed to only confirm his words to him.

 "I know what the other humans say when you befriended Hellboy, Abraham, and now my own sister." He sneered. "I will not be added to your pathetic list of small victories."

 "I…I don’t have…" You tried to say but he cut you off again.

 "Let's say you did not have a list, and you only did all that out of the Kindness of your heart. " He said the last part mockingly. "What made you believe that I would ever accept a pathetic human such as yourself a friend?... A human who can't even protect herself, I am amazed at how did you get a job here when you almost died only by my hands but also by a colleague of yours, who knows how many times you were lucky enough to escape your doom by being protected or have another human take the fall for you. You can't even protect how on earth can you protect humankind."

 You said nothing.

 "If the Red demon wasn't among you, you would have been dead by now, or a slave serving as a footstool for me." He stomped his foot at the last part making you let out a gasp of surprise and take a cautious step backward.

 Nuada stood his ground waiting for you to run away in fear of him like any other human would, But you didn't. You slowly lifted your head up to finally meet his eyes again and he could feel his heartache at the Hurtful look you had in your eyes as you gave him a weak smile. He could feel his body slightly shaking with regret, his instinct told him to fall on his feet and as for your forgiveness as he did everything to restore your beautiful smile once again.

 "I'm sorry, Prince Nuada." You said in such a polite tone, losing your friendly act, treating him like the royalty he was.

 "Please don't…" He tried to say but couldn't.

 "I did not mean to offend you in any way."

 "I was the one who let his pride take over!"

 "But please now that my actions towards you were only genuine."

 "I know!.. You are the sweetest creature on earth, who wants good for all!"

 "I will respect your wants and needs, so from now on I will stop approaching you."

 "NO!...No please don’t!"

 "I will be leaving now."

 You said before giving but him and Nuala a polite nod and turning on your heels to leave. He almost shot his hand forward to stop you from walking away, but Nuala got between the two of you with a very angry look on her face.

 "How could you say these things to her?" Asked Nuala in a hissed tone, never did Nuada see her so angry with him, disappointed yes, but not angry and he would have been concerned if he wasn’t already feel punished enough.

 Nuada was staring at you and you continued to walk away, his sister kept lecturing but he didn’t her hear, her voice a muffled background noise as he saw you turn a corner and disappear from sight making the ache greater, he was pulled out of his train of thoughts when he realized that his sister was quite…..and that his hand is being held. By instinct Nuada flinched backward away from Nuala, already realizing what had happened. His eyes were wide with horror, while his sister’s eyes were wide with realization. His shock then became anger.

 “Brother, You-“

 “I told you many times to NEVER read my thoughts!” He screamed angrily at her making her flinch.

 Nuada let out an angry growl before turning around and leaving to anywhere he can, to escape not only (Y/n) but also his own sister. He could hear Nuala trying to run after while repeatedly saying sorry and asking him to stop walking away but he didn’t and when he saw how she won’t stop chasing after him he started running from her knowing very well she won’t be able to catch up to him. After taking a few turns and knowing that his sister won't be able to catch up to him Nuada slowed down and made his way to Manning's office to request time out in the open green area to meditate because Gods know he needs it to calm his nerves and collect his thoughts. Because not only did he chase you away, for good this time, but also because now his sister knows of what is he feeling and what is happening in his head… Deep down in his head… that part which he still refuses to listen to.

 Even though he knows he is right by now.

  ---

 Nuada was in the moving vehicle with Abraham and Hellboy, heading to the next mission in some small town.

 "They said that it was only adult humans who went missing one or two at first, but then the numbers started to grow that even children were nowhere to be found." Said Abraham.

 "Anything in common with them?" Asked Hellboy.

 "The only thing is that they all disappeared near the forests." He answered, looking up from the file. "They went in but never came out."

 Hellboy cursed under his breath at the mention of children's possible death, ever since the breath of his own dear twins the topic of children's death on missions became a sensitive topic. Nuada however didn't care for all that, the only thing that plagued his mind was the human who was ahead of them in another vehicle with other human agents who were sent alongside them, this is the closest he had gotten to her since their last encounter.

 The prince believed that it would be for the best that things remain the way they are, she would continue with her life, find someone to share it with, start a family to grow old with, and then… And then he would die of old age, feeling happy and continent, while he would continue living to pay for his crimes and then devote himself to his people, he knew the next step would be marrying an elf to produce a hire to take his place in the future, but such thought made his stomach turn in disgust, that it was wrong. Then maybe he should make his future niece or nephew the hire to the throne after him because as much as he doesn't like it, his sister will have children of her own even if it was with the bluefish, and if he did decide to grow old and alone they will take his place.

 "We are here." A human called from the front pulling Nuada out of his thoughts, that when he realized that the vehicle they were in had stopped a long while ago. He followed Hlleboy and Abraham out.

 The human was already setting things up and preparing to venture into the forest. As he scanned the area he caught you rechecking your magazines and filling those who were not full with more bullets. He couldn’t help the small smile he had at the determination you showed after finishing your preparation, unknown to him Abraham had noticed it and he had a look of pity for the Elf Prince.

 “Alright, we will split into teams and because we don’t want any incidents Nuada and Red will be separated each one will be put in a human group.” Explained the human who was put in charge of this mission.

 Nuada immediately joined a human group that (Y/n) wasn’t a part of and red joined another. Abraham stayed back to give instructions in case what they are dealing with was new. As the two groups ventured into the forest Nuada stayed on high alert listening to anything or anyone. After almost an hour of just walking deep into the wood, a sudden movement made everyone tense and turn to pint their weapons in the direction of the sound. However, all the human agents let their guns down when a beautiful human woman with long black hair and pale beaten skin run towards them, she looked tired and terribly scared, when she saw them she started to cry in relief.

 "Finally some help!" she cried out. Nuada who was the only one who still had his weapon up brought his silverlance close to the woman's throat but was pushed away by the other humans who circled the woman to add her.

 "What are you doing you psycho!" Said the man. "This is a human being we should take her back to get treatment."

 "No!" Cried the woman as she slightly pulled away from the men. "My friends are still in danger, we should go and save them!"

 "Of course Ma'am, just tell us where they are." Said the man but she still shook her head.

 "I don't remember the directions, but I can walk you there."

 She pulled away completely from the group of men to go in the same direction she came from when Nuada was sure that no one would stop him this time he charged forward and used his silverlance to decapitate the woman's head. As her limp body and head fell to the ground one of the men who were in shock charged at him to grab him by his collar.

 "You killed a human woman!" He screamed. "I will make sure that you will rot in jail for a long-"

 "Uhh…Simon." One of them called.

 "What!?" Said the human named Simon angrily.

 His anger quickly melted away and he pulled away from Nuada when he saw the woman's body twitch and change form into that of a big black horse whose mouth and part of his head looked as if it was in the middle of decomposing for the skeleton was showing. That image however was gone quickly as the body melted into a disgusting black goo. The human men looked petrified by the sites, Nuada was the only one who came forward to inspect the goo.

 "W...What in the hell was that!?" Asked one of the men quietly as to not drow any more of those monsters towards them.

 "That thing was as you human call it a Kelpie." Explained Nuada. "A malicious creature who live near the water, they can shapeshift into beautiful women or horses to lure their victims so they can drown them and devour their dead corpse."

 The men looked at each other in fear before they instinctively took a fighting position and pointed their guns around them in case another Kelpie showed up. Nuada just sighed at their action and refrained from giving any harsh comments about their idiocy. He scanned the area and he could hear, see, and sense nothing, there wasn't any other Kelpie around. He brought a hand to activate the earpiece he was given to contact everyone else.

 "I know what we are up against." He informed.

 "What is it?" Asked Hellboy.

 "It's a Kelpie." He answered. "A shape-shifting being who can take the form of beautiful women or horse."

 "What!?" Exclaimed Hellboy in the speaker making Nuada want to pull the device away but he stopped when he heard the next thing.

 "(Y/n)!.. Get away from that thing!" Her scream can be heard as well as the beast who let out a victorious roar. "The bastard got (Y/n)!"

 Never did Nuada move so fast. He ran through the forest looking around frantically for any sign of you or the beast. A few gunshots were fired from the distance and Nuada ran towards it. He dodged the trees and leaped over the rocks. His mind was flashing images of your dead mutilated body floating above the waters after it had been devoured by the Kelpie, taunting him on how he could have avoided such tragedy by staying by your side and keeping you safe and sound away from all trouble.

 "You killed our mate"

 Sid the voice repeatedly torturing him further, memories of the last encounter with your came back reminding him that if (Y/n) was truly dead then his last moment with her was him hurting her feelings and being a bastard and that's would probably her last memory of him, being an Entitled Bastard. When Nuada finally reached them he saw how a group of humans were shooting two Kelpies but their bullets were in vain as they regenerated easily, however, when Hellboy shot his special bullets the Kelpies died instantly. That all did not matter to him, Nuada looked around and he saw you kneeling on the ground, you were grasping your right hand which was bleeding, and to either side of you was a human who were aiding you, but most importantly you were still alive. Nuada felt great relief when he saw no major injuries on you but it was short-lived as he saw other Kelpies coming near you, probably smelled your blood, He charged forward and swiftly decapitated one then stabbed the other straight on its forehead, both letting out one last screech before dissolving into goo. He turned to you and kneeled beside you. Looking at you closer he could see your arms, legs, and face are filled with small cuts that were bleeding, but your right hand, however, was bleeding heavily.

 "What happened?" He asked as he dropped his weapon down to examine your wound.

 "What are you doing here?" You asked in bewilderment.

 "To save you." He answered honestly ignoring his pride after the thought of losing you, His answer made your eyes wide with shock. You opened your mouth to say something but were cut off when you heard Hellboy's gunfire a couple of times.

 The Kelpies were growing in numbers determined to kill all of them and you knew that Red's special bullets will run out. You Turned to Nuada.

 "Forget me." You said pulling your injured hand away from his hold. "Go help Red."

 Nuada turned to the group of humans and demon who are struggling to keep the creatures away, being fueled by anger at the thought of one of them daring to kill his dear mate, Nuada lifted his weapon again and charged at them. He stabbed one of them in the middle causing it to screech in pain before dying. He turned to the humans who were still shooting with their guns.

 "Your weapons are useless." He said before stabbing another Kelpie. "These creatures only die from silver and Holy weapons, so if you truly want to help then take those who have been injured back and return with at least silver bullets."

 The men looked at him with astonishment before nodding and doing as he ordered, however, a few of them remained insisting on being able to help. Nuada looked over his shoulder one last time, catching you being taken away to safety made him feel great peace despite his current situation. Nuada turned around with the goal of inhalation this nest of abominations that threatened his beloved.

 ---

 When you opened your eyes from what felt like a long sleep, which for some reason you still felt a bit tired after, you winced at the brightness of the room and the pure white ceiling didn't make it any better. That when you realized you weren't at home. You blinked a couple of times and saw that you were in the infirmary surrounded by the familiar deep blue curtains that separated you from neighboring beds and gave you privacy. You tried to lift yourself up but silently grimaced at the shock of pain that came from your right hand forcing you to lay back down. You slowly lifted your right hand up to examine it and saw that it was wrapped heavily but neatly with bandages, that's when you remembered what happened and how did you get injured in the first place, which the thought of it embarrassed you, but then you remembered Nuada. The way he was concerned with your injuries made you almost think that he was the one feeling the pain ten times more.

 "You are awake." A familiar calm voice said pulling you from your train of thoughts.

 You didn't need to lift your head for he quickly seated himself at the empty chair that was to your left. His worried golden eyes searched your face and body for what you assumed is pain. Out would be lying if you didn't say that you were touched by his concern for you. You again tried to lift yourself up but his hand gently pressed your shoulder down.

 "Please don't move." Urged Nuada. "You healer said that you might need more rest."

 "No, I said that she can leave whenever she wakes up just to make sure she doesn't overdo it." Said the doctor from his desk that was nearby, If looks could kill the doctor would have been dead on her chair from the way Nuada glared at her unseen direction.

 "I'm fine, Your majesty." When those words lift your mouth Nuada gave you a pained look that you never thought he was able to make. He lowered his head

 "Please, Don't address in such a formal way." He almost begged. "call me by my name, as you used to."

 "I thought you hated it." You said and you could see his body tense at your words before he relaxed a bit.

 "I apologize for what I have said."

 You were so shocked at what he said you you shot up from your bed to at least set straight to face him properly. Of course your sudden movment made him flinch.

 "Alright, who are you?... and what did you do to prince grumpy?" You said skeptically, Nuada blinked a couple of times before he let out a small chuckle.

 "I assure you, my dear" He answered.

 The room was quiet for a while both of you not knowing what to do or say. You were happy that is true, him treating you so friendly was very good but what made it awkward for you is that it was … so suddne. What changed?

 "How did you injure your hand?" Nuada asked breaking the silence. You looked down at your bandaged hand. "You lost consiosness from bloodloss on our way back to the headqurtars."

 "It's kind of embarrassing." You said with a weary grin.

 "I would never laugh at you." He said in such a serious, which made him even odder to you.

 "Well.." You started. "We were searching around for the reason of people going missing when we saw a beautiful white horse grassing, it looked so harmless and gentle. I don't know why, but I had the sudden urge to brush its coat, and just before my hand touched it Red told me to stay away."

 "But it was too late." Sdi Nuada and you nodded.

 "my hand was stuck as if it was some kind of super glue or something.  The next thing I knew what that I was being dragged away by the beast who was running away from Hellboy. I tried to pull away but it only brought me close, and when I saw that its skin was about to cover my hand I did the one sensible thing I could think of." You shrugged as you looked down at your right hand. "And it was to shoot it off of it, and it worked but with a price. I feel stupid to have let my guard down like that."

 "You should feel that way." Said Nuada making you look to him. "The Kelpie has Hypnotic powers that draw in their prays, even if you were not human you would still fall for it."

 "Wow, you know so much about them, considering you were the only one who knew how to kill them." You said in amazement.

 "I have, unfortunately, encountered those veil creatures before." He confessed.

 "Really?" You asked and he nodded.

 "When I and Nuala were kids one of them almost took her away if not for the guard who was set to watch us she wouldn't have been here now, neither would I." He continued. "After that, I spent ages of my life to train my mind to never fall for their or any other creature hypnosis again."

 "Amazing, so you are trained body and mind." You winked at him trying to tease him. "the full package for a very lucky girl."

 Nuada stared at her for a long while rethinking his choise in telling you the truth. The moment he stepped foot back here he had prepared a thorough explanation of what mates were, followed by a speech of his love and devotion to (Y/n). How he would never let his pride take the best of him, that he would be the ever-loving mate she desires and the strong mate she deserves. But considering their first few encounters together, Nuada feared that suddenly doing so would scare his (Y/n) away, for in the end she is human so she can't feel the bound yet… But it can grow. He decided to give it time, to strengthen their bond by starting all over again, it will take time, that is true but Nuada was prepared to work hard to win (Y/n)'s love and affection the way humans do. For now, he will be the friend she deserves.

 "On the contrary my dear." He said with a smile. "I will be the one who is lucky to have her."

--- 

I hope you guys enjoyed this one, sorry that it’s very long, i enjoyed writing this version of Soulmates AU I should look into it more often in case it got requested again or I write a story about it. and just a reminder, I don’t take requests at the moment, sorry.