#she's determined to view our mom a certain way and nothing i say is going to change that

[nancylou444]

I tried to be nice

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Became this:

THEM:  hi! thanks for the answers I really appreciate the discussion. normally if someone ships something I don’t like or something like that, I’ll just leave them alone but.. just to be clear I completely respect all of your opinions, even agree with some of them, even if we might disagree on the incest and Castiel haha. So I don’t mean any disrespect with this at all, please let me know if I’m out of line though!  

 But... I saw some things you said, and they come across to me in a way that I don’t think you intended? I feel really awkward sending this haha, you’re very nice and I don’t think you said anything on purpose, but I just.. wanted to let you know that some of the things regarding your opinion on certain characters come across not very well? I don’t think it’s intentional or anything, and I don’t mean to call you out at all which is why I didn’t want to point it out in the replies y’know?  

 Don’t get me wrong though, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with not liking castiel or destiel. I’ve been watching the show for a while with my dad, and he isn’t a huge fan either, I don’t think that’s a problem :) 

I’d continue without waiting for a response but I don’t want to say something you’ve already been told, or continue without knowing if I’ve said something out of line already 😅

ME:  I'm kind of distracted dealing with my Mom's rehab center. But you can keep going.

THEM: Alright! I’ve tried rephrasing this a million times but I don’t know how to make it seem not antagonistic. I promise I don’t mean that you’re doing it intentionally, it’s just, uh a lot of your criticism of spn feels like it could be read as homophobic? Again I don’t think YOU are I just wanted you to know it kind of reads that way!

That sounded so confrontational. I really don’t mean it that way 😭

ME: HOMOPHOBIC? Really? A lot of the 'proof' your fellow shippers use border on stereotypes but you think I'M homophobic? Considering my top two ships are Wincest and Malec. Yeah, sounds confrontational.

THEM:  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I guess there’s no other way to say it, but I understand why you feel accused. What do you mean by proof..?

Also I don’t really think having gay ships means you can’t be homophobic. *I* used to be homophobic years ago, and I’m a gay person!

ME:  How old are you? https://nancylou444.tumblr.com/post/154098904136/a-guide-to-dean-winchesters-imaginary-bisexuality

THEM:  yeah this is starting to get frustrating. I’m gonna be real with you, why does it matter if people think dean is bisexual? like, bottom line, that is my question for you

and your answer will determine if your veracity is homophobic. why does it matter that some people think dean is bisexual. not the fans or actors or writers or anything. why does it matter that some viewers will watch, and they will think dean is bisexual?

ME:  My problem isn't that some people think he is bi IN FANON, my problem is that they want CONFIRMATION OF A FANON SHIP. And that some people DENY how the show ended. These same people think that fake weddings are more canon than the FINAL EPISODE.

THEM:  I get what you mean, but how is it a fanon ship when it’s confirmed romantic from one side, and interpretable as mutually reciprocated in Latin America? (I’m going to disregard the bit about the wedding, because I’m a firm believer in Neil Gaiman variety death of the author. Also that’s just people having fun with fanon, who cares?)

ME:  Confirmed romantic?By whom MISHA, who wanted to sell necklaces? Have you never said 'i love you' to a FRIEND or FAMILY member? The dub is not canon, so don't even try using that as proof. Death of the author is just another way of saying MY VIEW OF THE SHOW IS SUPERIOR TO HOW THE CREATOR WANTS TO SEE IT. Jensen has said many times that the ship isn't canon and that Dean is straight. But it's better to believe what Misha says because he agrees with you. You think somebody is bi because of how they sit or the color clothes they wear? That would make YOU homophobe.

THEM:  LOL You know what? I change my answer. I looked through your blog and you ACTIVELY and viscously hate Cas, Charlie, Claire, Kaia and the implication that Jack may not be straight. You’ve said Cas coming out as gay and in love with dean makes the rest of his actions predatory, compared him to a teenage girl, called him creepy, and openly rejoiced in your idea that dean looked ‘disgusted with him’. You said that Claire is awful, that Kaia is a wooden plank, that they ‘shoved them together’ for ‘woke points’ and said that Jody saying Claire was IN LOVE WITH Kaia ‘doesnt count’ and called it ‘lip service’. And it doesn’t end there! After all this, you said that you preferred the old better s4 Claire. Is it because she was ostensibly straight? Are you uncomfortable with queer women? And then you have the audacity to use these characters (Claire and Kaia and Charlie) as reasons to epicly own the Hellers and claim they already have represention. You are a completely disingenuous bitch and I don’t care to be nice to you anymore! I don’t feel AT ALL charitable toward you anymore, and I don’t care if you have gay ships. Gay people aren’t here for you to fetishize! You CONSTANTLY mock and ridicule jokes made by queer people regarding deans bisexuality or Cas being gay or any number of things. You constantly reaffirm that Dean is straight and call people who think otherwise delusional and disgusting, while you think dean is in romantic sexual love with his male sibling. You are openly hostile to the idea of non-binary jack and were pissed that Alcal endorsed that. You devalue Jack’s value and relationship to Cas who is, textually, his father figure. I have NO reason not to think that you are homophobic. I don’t care anymore! You’re a huge bitch and, judging by your prior responses and posts, a genuine dialogue regarding queerness in spn is impossible. You regard any instance of canonically queer moments ‘lip service’ and so regard it. You actively hate every canonically gay character and degrade them using traditionally homophobic tropes and stereotypes.

Feel free to explain how you aren’t homophobic. I’m so sorry if I got the wrong impression.

ME: Wow I see your true colors have come out HELLER.

THEM:  Idc if you think I’m mean. Go ahead and make a post about me lol, have fun with it. Give me a moment to respond to your paragraph it’s... a lot to dissect.

I’ll touch on your comments about the dub and the Spanish language in a moment. First though

I ’m gonna be real with you, I don’t think you know what death of the author is. Neil Gaiman’s variety of the dead author principal is that once canon ends, the story belongs to those that consume and engage with it. That’s... also literally the theme of supernaturals final season. Anyway I really recommend you read up on death of the author and Neil Gaiman’s takes on fanon. It’s a fun way to consume your media, and in the end that’s what I’m here for.

I don’t care what Misha says, and I don’t care what Jensen says! I think they are both queer because I have eyes and watched the show. I think it’s a lovely narrative that is supported by canon, and it’s fine if you disagree with that

On your last sentence there... lol. It’s a common joke in queer circles that gays can’t sit properly, specifically bisexuals. Same thing with the clothing, it’s a SUPER common joke for example that lesbians wear flannel. Maybe you need to go outside and talk to some normal, non-incest shipping queer people. But what do I know!

And finally... ‘the Spanish dub isnt canon’

I am literally cuban. My first language is SPANISH. my entire household speaks Spanish, and my family past 1st cousins don’t speak any English. My Boricua cousins have watched supernatural in full for years, and they watch it in Spanish. Do you think America is the center of the universe? Do you think our media is somehow less than yours, that our interpretations of English language media isn’t valid? What, do you think we are idiots who don’t know how to analyze literature and media? Do you think the people who work at Telemundo, people employed as dubbers and translators, you think they do a worse job than the American crew?

Why, because they aren’t American or don’t speak English? ‘Te amo’ said to a non family member is, in 99% of any instance, ROMANTIC. it’s something you say to your spouse in serious situations like weddings!! Even MARRIED people don’t normally say te amo, everyone uses te quiero unless it is very serious or romantic in context.

All of my family who are Spanish language, they heard dean say ‘y a yo ti, cas’ and think that they were in romantic love. Sorry dude! The United States might be the center of your universe, but Latin America is HUGE. Spanish is one of the most spoken languages in the WORLD. In fact, more people speak Spanish than English. Sorry that you seem to hate gay characters SO MUCH you have to say an entire language somehow isn’t valid to consume media in!

ME: 

Obviously this heller is batshit crazy. 

Some of those things she thinks I said just show she has no idea how to follow a tumblr thread. 

You are a completely disingenuous bitch and I don’t care to be nice to you anymore! I don’t feel AT ALL charitable toward you anymore, and I don’t care if you have gay ships. Gay people aren’t here for you to fetishize! You CONSTANTLY mock and ridicule jokes made by queer people regarding deans bisexuality or Cas being gay or any number of things. You constantly reaffirm that Dean is straight and call people who think otherwise delusional and disgusting, while you think dean is in romantic sexual love with his male sibling.

Wow. 

I have NO reason not to think that you are homophobic. I don’t care anymore! You’re a huge bitch and, judging by your prior responses and posts, a genuine dialogue regarding queerness in spn is impossible. You regard any instance of canonically queer moments ‘lip service’ and so regard it. You actively hate every canonically gay character and degrade them using traditionally homophobic tropes and stereotypes.

Where have I hated canon gay characters and degraded them using tropes and stereotypes? The bitch has me confused with HER FELLOW SHIPPERS. 

Gotta love how she is defending the Spanish dub. Hit a nerve did I? 

It’s a common joke in queer circles that gays can’t sit properly, specifically bisexuals. Same thing with the clothing, it’s a SUPER common joke for example that lesbians wear flannel. Maybe you need to go outside and talk to some normal, non-incest shipping queer people.

Now who is using stereotypes? 

[hoyaanae]

The beautiful dialogue of Lovely Us

Ep 01

"Once people become parents, their memory begins to become biased. They always remember they are their children's most reliable parents, but often forget that they are also children loved by their own parents. When they are waiting for their children to come back home, they forget that their own parents are also waiting for their return in a similar mood."

"When I'm absent from the concert, my idol won't know or feel sad. But when I don't go back to accompany my mom to celebrate her birthday, she'll know it. I don't want to make her sad."

Ep 02

"A lot of things are good at hide and seek - the old scarf I bought last year, the new eraser, Mom's favorite sewing needle, and a feeling of heartbeat for someone. We try to find them, but in vain. Then when we give it up, they just appear somewhere unexpected - on the back of the chair, in the book, in the cotton thread, and behind my back.

Human heart beats 60 to 100 times per minute on average. That day, I failed to count my heartbeat per minute. Even the water droplets falling from the umbrella were disrupted together with me. The joy, the thrill and the butterfly in the stomach converged into the restless heartbeats. On this raining day, a girl's heart beat 101 times in a minute."

Ep 03

"Huang Chengzi, why is the starry sky beautiful? Do you think it is because of the brightest star? Of course, everyone might say "Look, the Venus" while pointing at the brightest one. However, for those stars shining together and forming the Big Dipper and Orion, don't they look beautiful? They cannot be described as a foil. Anyway, I think some stars that keep shining might be more beautiful than the brightest one however dark they are."

Ep 07

"The audio frequency of the sound when a snowflake falls on the water surface is over 50,000 Hz. Because it falls beyond human beings' hearing range, this snowy day is still so quiet that it seems I can only hear my own heartbeat and that it seems there is only me and the person in front of me on this planet with a population of 6.6 billion. I hope this world can be noiser so that I can pretend that I've never discovered this secret."

"Do you have such a feeling? People around you always tell you that you are already standing on the top of the mountain, but when clouds and mist scatter, you find there is another higher peak waiting for you. After going out, I've found there are so many people who work harder and are more excellent than me. It's just like in an originally easy marathon race, I suddenly find all the people around are sprinting. So, I must run faster. Otherwise, others will surpass me. I'm a little bit out of breath."

"At the age of 17, we all have our own secrets. We are trying to hide those secrets, but they are still going to be discovered. We are unwilling to admit those secrets, but the more we conceal them, the more conspicuous they become. We are very clear about those secrets, but eventually, we are still willing to turn them into memories. And these secrets that cannot be told, are found so similar to each other after a long time. It turns out they are all about unexpected feelings for someone."

Ep 08

"I've always been content with what I have and I'm in need of nothing. I can remember what I read and I'm surrounded by nice people. My life has always been smooth and I thought the life that had been planned was not bad for me. Just like a sailing ship, with enough food, I didn't look forward to rains and storms. I just wanted to follow the prescribed route and go back fo the safe zone of the harbor in the end. That was my perfect ending. But from the very beginning, you've been determined to brave the storm and to see the bigger world. Wind and rain can't knock you down and the waves can't overturn you. You've shown me a life course that's completely different from mine. So, since her dream is to explore this world, I just can't let her go through it alone. Zhu Jinxiao, I like you."

"At the age of 17, the first habit developed by boys is to hide their affections. They think that the probability is just 0.01, so they put on the emperor's new clothes, trying to hide their affections with magic. But affections are not that easy to hide. Even if the probability is pretty low, it will be revealed at a certain moment. So on that rainy night, while looking at her back, he found that the most obvious evidence of falling in love with her was the feeling of easement in his heart and the smile on his face when he looked at her."

Ep 09

"In the past, we always felt a year with 365 days was exceedingly long, but only when it comes to this moment do we understand that we become one year older all of a sudden. The significance of spending the Spring Festival, extending from ancient times to the present, is shining brightly like fireworks, giving us the courage to heal each other many times. And then we can have a new start. It doesn't matter that you can't eat steaming hot dishes. It doesn't matter that you perhaps don't know the secret hidden in the couplet. It doesn't matter that you listen to your grandma's nagging sometimes. Even if it takes too long on the way back, as long as there are people we care about, we won't be lonely. We will return to the home we are familiar with."

Ep 10

"Actually we never forget the happy hours with our parents in childhood. Maybe the so-called alienation is because we walk so fast while our parents are staying where they are. One meter, a hundred meters, a kilometer. The distance becomes farther and farther until we can't hear them calling us. That's why we mistakenly think love is silent. So while we are confused, our parents feel the same too. They are confused about how they can give us their deep love in a smart manner."

"Those who love hiding their feelings most in this world are fathers. They hide their inarticulate concerns in warm lights. In every precious certificate of merit, they put their unmentionable encouragement. Besides, there are many silent surprises they carefully arrange in every day when we are marching to the future. They firmly care about us with such silent fathers' love, and we firmly love them."

Ep 11

"We think that many things and many people in this world can wait til tomorrow. So when you pause it or when you turn around, you think that everything will still be the same tomorrow, or you won't even realize this hope in your mind, because you think tomorrow should be the same as today. And you think nothing will change as time flies by. But this time, the moment you let go and turned around, some things completely changed. The sun went down and before it rises again, some people will leave you forever. We always thought that there would be a big ceremony to say goodbye, so we keep waiting for a warm hug, a refreshing drink, and a heartfelt goodbye. But in the end, we realized that most goodbyes in our lives are all silent."

Ep 12

"At that silent corner in my mind, there are a number of weird illusions. For example, can I become Alice who enters the wonderland with White Rabbit? For example, can I become the little girl who enters the forest with Totoro? For example, is there some special switch in this box which can teleport me? No, none of them exist. There's no flying dragons or knights, and I'm not the heroine of some comics for girls, either. However, the only thing I'm sure about is that this escape greatly shocks my world. My palms would sweat, and my sight would be indistinct. Then my view becomes narrower and narrower until there's room for only one person in my eyes. After a long time, I know such a moment is named adventure, in which the one in your eyes is irreplaceable."

Ep 13

"In the summer of 2008, in retrospect, the most impressive thing may not be the world-famous Olympic Games, but the silly things we did because we were fearless. What is shining and unexpected is everything that is closely related to friendship. We wanted to pick the brightest stars and make the most beautiful wishes, so we became the bravest boys and girls. While crying and laughing, with the bond between each other, toward the most beautiful end of youth, we keep running all the way and never stop."

"The familiar chirping of cicadas on summer nights, the familiar bear doll who must lean by the lamb, the familiar lovely girl who frowns even when she sleeps, and the 17-year-old time wrapped by the sense of familiarity never seem to have changed. The only difference is that when I look at the familiar him, I feel a flurry and uneasiness that I have never expected."

Ep 14

"That night, it was the first time I found there's magic hidden in my mom's smile. Those feelings between adults and children which I thought are hard to express in words don't have to be spoken out. They can be understood through her smile. Indeed, adults don't often say I love you, and seldom say sorry. But it doesn't matter. Action speaks louder than explanation. There's no need to express deep feelings in words. If you stand there quietly, you can automatically receive all their love for you."

"There are many new days like today. Today, he holds my hand. Today, he holds me in his arms. Today, he carries me on his back and runs in the street in the early morning. Many days with him like today will eventually become my unforgettable past days. I'll remember days like today for a long time."

Ep 15

"In the last hundred days, I heard countless times "Hurry up to walk! Hurry up to eat! Hurry up to take the notes! And hurry up to go to the toilet." But it's strange. When you try to seize time by the forelock, it goes faster. Then after the exams, we graduated."

"I just want to be an ordinary person. I'll live on a small fruit stand in the future or continue your small shop, which makes me happy. This is life. It's my own choice and I will bear the results. Different people have different dreams. Let those extraordinary people be extraordinary. I just want to be a happy and ordinary person."

"Friendship means so much to us. It brings us close, and makes me flinch, so sometimes we just tell ourselves that as long as we're together, I can be just a friend of hers. But the taxi that I failed to catch, the phone calls that have been hung up, the time that's flying and my restless heart are telling me eagerly that in this world, both love and friendship are important. Every detail related to you is reminding me that we can't be just friends. So when it's still not too late, I have to tell you the things that I want to tell you as soon as possible. Huang Chengzi, I like you."

Ep 16

"In this world, it seems like all wishes have a guardian. Wishing wells, shooting stars, the aquarium's white whale. They're all hiding in the corners of the universe caressing the sorrow of loving someone alone. It's just that the god of happiness can't bless everyone out there. They let some people be happy and their wishes come true, and let some be sad, but they can't admit how sad they really are. The feeling of being in love is like a butterfly gently flapping its wings, that stirs up a hurricane in people's hearts. The second you realize it, then there's no escape."

"That's you when you're happy. And that's you when you're mad. Over there is the jealous you, and you when you're being naughty and pretending to cry. I was just going to draw one to start with, but every expression you have is floating around in my head, and I really love every single one of them."

"I've never been afraid of growing up. And I've never worried that growing up would be lonely. Not because I'm so strong, but because I have faith that I will never be alone. The guy who held my hand will continue to grow up closely together with me. The guy who's in my diary and I in his, will exchange even more secrets in the future. All of us have walked together through the years and will continue to walk together farther into the future. This world never lets lovely people down, and we are all lovely."

[danganronpa-21]

Naegiri Week Day 3 - Sunset

Happy third day of Naegiri Week! In my personal opinion, this is probably my favourite piece that I’ve written this year. It’s a sweet one with just a twinge of angst. As with the past two pieces, I have no warnings to issue aside from a little bit of graphically violent metaphor. It’s a blink and you’ll miss it kind of thing though, so there’s no need to worry too much. I hope you enjoy the piece, and that I have done our beautiful couple some justice.

________________________

A boy and a girl stood on top of the school building; their gazes turned towards the sky. The day was in the process of dying slowly, the natural cerulean fading away, melting into colours the likes of which they almost never got to see. Life so often dragged them away from something as simple as watching the sky’s transitions. Before, when the times would begin to change, they would spend their time preparing for cram school or going out to do extra work. They nearly never took notice of the refashioning. Maybe, if they were lucky, they’d stop for a second and remark to themselves about its beauty. Their eyes would catch just a hint of the rosy pinks and fruity oranges, and they could smile to themselves about what a nice view they would have during their journeys. Then, just as they always did, they would move along with their day. Never taking notice of the sky again, and missing it turn to something much more beautiful than what they had previously seen.

 Getting to ignore a sunset, they quickly realized, was a privilege. A privilege that they could no longer have. When the Biggest, Most Awful, Most Despair-Inducing Incident in human history came to fruition, there was no time for trivial things like watching a sunset. Every day melted into a flurry of rioting, fighting, and danger that could eat them alive if they weren’t careful. The students of Hope’s Peak Academy got the worst of it, and Makoto and Kyoko were no exception to this rule. Walking onto campus every morning was gambling for one’s life as the Parade clamoured for justice at the gates. Makoto’s own parents had been so terrified of him getting assaulted on his way from their house to the school that they’d begged the headmaster to set him up in a dorm for the time being. And since Jin Kirigiri was a slightly foolish, but not entirely unreasonable man, he obliged. In the end, however, it only made things a little better. He and Kyoko still promised to walk every day to and from class together every day, just to be sure that the other would arrive safely.

 It was no real life that the two of them were living, but then again, they wondered if anybody’s life was much of anything at this point. This wave of anger that consumed more than just Tokyo. It reigned across the entirety of Japan, and bled even further. Neighbouring countries began to get caught up in the tide, and then their neighbours came in, and then their allies, and then their enemies. Before anyone could so much as breathe a word of soothing nature, the world had sliced itself open and soaked its people with its bloody rage. Now, all anyone could do was attempt to rinse themselves off and stitch up the wounds. There was nothing anyone could do about the fact that some were determined to keep opening new ones. Especially not at Hope’s Peak – as far as everyone was concerned, Jin offered the students as much protection as he could give.

 Makoto just wished there was more. Not just on his side of things, but on the side of the Reserve Course students as well. He could have been in their shoes, had he not been so lucky. Hell, he probably would have been one of the students even further on the outside, who couldn’t even breathe the same air as a Hope’s Peak student. If they wanted to send him there on money alone, one of them would have had to fork over a kidney to the black market just to get enough. His family was not financially stable enough for that, and he felt certain that many of the Reserve Course kids were not that financially stable either. Yet there they were, clamouring even as the sun began to drift off to sleep. He wished they would, too. At the very least, he took comfort in the fact that their numbers were dwindling for the day.

 “They look so small down there.”

 Kyoko’s voice was flatter than soda in the sun. If he didn’t know her as well as he did, he might have thought her uninvested in the situation.

 “They do.” He muttered; his gaze fixed on a pair of boys picking a fight with the head of security. The sight of their shouting and waving their fists made him cringe. Juzo Sakakura was an alumnus of Hope’s Peak; the Super High School Level Boxer to be more specific. Not exactly the kind of man that anyone should want to mess with, especially on account of his hot temper. Pity stirred within him when he thought about how this would end. “Sakakura-san will crush them like small bugs, too.”

 She nodded curtly. “They should know better than to mess with him. He and the others have beaten up more than their fair share of Reserve Course students already.”

 Makoto bit his lip, wishing he had it within himself to do something. He was a small fish in a big pond. What could he possibly do? There was no control to be had over this situation, and yet he craved it.

 “I don’t know what they think that’s going to accomplish.”

 “Well, my understanding is that they think this will earn them some sort of equality or change, but so far their attempts haven’t born fruit-”

 “No,” he cut in, surprised even by his own interruption, “That’s not what I meant.”

 She blinked at him; her expression unchanging. Not even a twitch of the eyebrow or the lip to tell him what she was thinking. The girl was somewhere beyond neutral at this point, but she didn’t seem keen on showing it. “What did you mean, then?”

 “I don’t understand why the school hasn’t given in or tried to fix things. I’m surprised the police haven’t gotten involved,” heart thundering in his head, he continued, “Do you know if the school’s paying them hush money, or something?”

 Ah. A frown etched itself into her face within a matter of seconds, clearly the product of dredged up memories. So there was a little bit of emotion hiding behind that iron mask. Her father had had a case for her a few weeks back, after all. Though she refused to share many details, what she did tell him was that he suspended the case rather abruptly. He even went as far as saying that he “wasn’t satisfied with her work”. Her eyes had been glassy when she told him that. Keeping himself from pulling her into his arms had been more difficult than one might have expected.

 “I haven’t spoken to my father since the case.” Her eyebrows knitted themselves together as she glared at the students below. “Nor do I have any desire to speak to him again about much of anything.”

 Makoto could think to do nothing else but nod. “I don’t blame you. You were pretty upset after the whole thing.”

 “Should I not have been?” Her arms folded across her chest. “It was as if he gave me the case just to humiliate me by taking it away later. Not that it matters anyway. He doesn’t really care about the investigation. The one thing I know for certain is that he doesn’t care as much about the Steering Committee as he pretends he does.”

 Why would he not do something if that were the case? Was he honestly just sitting around twiddling his thumbs? He definitely tried not to make his impressions on people he didn’t know based on what others told him, but this seemed a little too suspicious to swallow.

 “What do you mean?” He dared to ask, shuffling slightly closer to her. Her refusal to meet his gaze remained rather blatant, but her face relaxed slowly.

 “He has little impact on the school overall,” she sighed, tucking a strand of hair back into place, “Jin Kirigiri is Hope’s Peak headmaster in title more than anything. They attempt to take his ideas into account, but he is a figurehead first and foremost.”

 “So he can’t do anything about the protests?”

 Kyoko shrugged. “He probably has been trying to, but the committee will not allow him that privilege.”

 His fingers gripped at his hoodie sleeves, as if to beg him to ground them in some way. If it weren’t for the cool air brushing delicately against his face, he might have thought himself to be in a movie scene. If Kyoko’s father really was doing all that he could, what chance did they have against the world? Things were already so close to falling off the edge into a chasm of desolation, and now nobody could do anything? The phantom sensation of a fist squeezed his throat. Part of him ached to reach his hand out to take hold of Kyoko’s own, feeling the smooth leather of her gloves against the palms of his hands. Would it be appropriate? She did still look pretty mad, but… god, he wanted to feel like everything around him was real for once. Throughout all of this chaos, she was one of a few things that reminded him that things were not as bad as he thought them to be.

 Shutting his eyes, he turned away from the scene. A few steps away from the rooftop’s chained fence managed to soothe his nerves within mere seconds. It somehow caught Kyoko’s attention, too.

 “I… I can’t watch them anymore.” He answered to the question she didn’t ask. Watching the Reserve Course students scream at shout like that is what they did all day in class and all day after. God, they needed a break from it. Regret stirred within him any time he drew himself back to the simpler days, when he took things like getting boba tea with Sayaka or rough housing with Mondo and Taka for granted. He’d give anything to go home and sit with his mom, and listen to those incredibly annoying women blather through their talk show. He missed the brief period of time in which his dad had begun to teach him how to drive, and the two would squabble over the controls and road safety. He even missed fighting with Komaru over who would get the TV on a Friday night, inducing many groans of frustrations from their parents. When all of these people were suffering, he knew was wrong to want it back, but… How could he not? Makoto’s heart was much too soft to comfortably look on as others suffered.

 The clacking of Kyoko’s high-heeled boots against the stone tiles of the roof signalled to him that she, too, had found it easier to turn away. “I can understand that. I don’t fancy watching them either.”

 “Kirigiri-san, could we…” To this surprise, his voice sounded like it was breaking. “Could we talk about something else? Something other than… whatever this is?”

 The clacking echoed closer as she moved to stand at his side; her hand found a soothing spot on his shoulder. One simple movement, and relief crashed over him in a waterfall. Warmth spread through his chest and for one moment, he felt completely safe. After so many weeks of fear and struggling, he finally remembered the sensation. His grandmother used to say that that was how you knew you loved someone. If you could find comfort in their touch during your darkest times. He definitely had it bad for Kyoko Kirigiri. The lovesickness, as his grandfather might say.

 “Is there something you want to talk about?” She spoke in a voice that felt like he was running his hand along a fleece blanket, taking in all of its softness. She tilted her body forward to try and get a good look at his face.

 A small smile tugged at his lips as he watched her out of the corner of his eye. He couldn’t stop himself from turning to meet her. “Anything, really. Preferably something happy.”

 “Happy, hmm?” She tapped her chin, pursing her lips slightly. It was rare that one actually got to see the cogs turning in Kyoko’s mind, but it was always a sight to behold. “Umm… Sweden has a rabbit show all about jumping? I heard about it when my grandfather and I were there on a case when I was a girl. I think it might have been called Kaninhoppning?”

 Makoto laughed, shaking his head. “That’s adorable.”

 “It really is. Come to think of it, I have many happy memories from that trip… Although I never did get to see Kaninhoppning, I did manage to slip out onto our hotel room balcony for a half an hour to catch the most beautiful sunset I’ve ever seen.”

 Having the chance to slip away from her grandfather on those trips was a rare occurrence, that he knew well. Though Makoto had never met Kyoko’s grandfather, he couldn’t say that he felt like he would particularly like the man. The manner in which he treated Kyoko as she grew felt strange to him, in the least. She even confessed to being connected to him more by blood than by love, much to Makoto’s shock.

 “What did it look like?”

 It became Kyoko’s turn to smile as she turned her head to the sky, extending a gloved hand to point at the atmosphere spread above them. “A lot like this one, I found. A smattering of colours.”

 He followed suit, breathing in a calming breath as his eyes found a familiar sky. Puffs of pink and oranges sailed across the surface of blue like mystical ships in a vast ocean; sunlight breaking through like the heavens smiling down on them. Almost like proof that someone was still sitting up there, waiting to give this sign.

 “It’s really something, isn’t it?”

 She nodded, stepping closer to him and sliding her hand to his other shoulder. Oh god, she put her arm around him?! That made his heartbeat skip. He prayed his face hadn’t turned fire truck red. She would most definitely resort to teasing him if she caught wind of his embarrassment. Apart of him wonder if she could sense it, for only a few seconds later she tilted her head as if to rest on his shoulder. Rather than leave her there by herself, he moved his own to meet it.

 “It is rather special, I agree,” she answered him with a smile, “Dare I say it, this is perhaps even more special than the one during my travels.”

 God. That skin of his had definitely flushed red by now. It was a battle to avoid stuttering while he spoke, and a fight he lost easily. “R-Really? What m-makes this so special?”

 Kyoko shrugged her shoulders; her voice pouring from her mouth like smooth molasses. “I’m here with you.”

 Butterflies began to beat around his stomach the moment the words fell from her lips. Ack! Don’t think about her lips, he commanded himself internally. The last thing he needed was thinking about kissing those soft, full lips… a pair so perfectly rose in colour and that probably would feel so sweet against his own… Aah! No kissing, no kissing! She wanted to try and be his friend, and he was worrying about kissing. He should have been worried about thinking what to say. Could she tell that he was thinking about that?

 A quick glance at her out of the corner of his eye told him no; Kyoko Kirigiri was not a mind reader. Very adept at reading body language, but she could not telepathically tell that someone was thinking about kissing her. However, he had to admit that she could definitely tell that he was nervous. So much so that she started to apologize.

 “Sorry,” she muttered, darting her gaze to the floor, “I hadn’t mean to embarrass you.”

 He waved his hands around frantically. “No, no! I’m not embarrassed, you just… caught me off-guard, that’s all. I like hearing you say stuff like that. You’re a lot more sentimental than you let on.”

 The detective bit her lip awkwardly, doing her best to act like her face was not slowly growing poppy-red. The sight of her made him have to fight to suppress a few giggles. She has no right to be this cute, he thought with amusement. Even stereotypically cute girls like Sayaka couldn’t rival the sheer adorability of his Kyoko.

 “I’ve never really thought about myself like that… Would you consider it a good thing?”

 Makoto laughed and nuzzled her shoulder affectionately. “It’s a great thing. In fact, it’s something I like about you.”

 “I like that about you too,” she murmured, her voice cracking as she continued, “Your sentimentality, I mean. Not mine, that would be… that would be strange, wouldn’t it?”

 Oh, how the tables had turned. Now Kyoko was the one standing there, totally embarrassed. Though it had been him only for a moment earlier, he wondered if it were wrong to relish it. Seeing Kyoko flustered was as rare as Shikoku’s glowing mushroom forests; one could barely help wanting to take in all of the charm.

 “It would be, yeah,” he laughed, “I’m glad you like that about me, though. In fact, I’d like to ask you something about it.”

 Kyoko nodded ever so slightly, careful not to hurt either of their heads with the movement. “Of course.”

 “Kirigiri-san, would you promise me something?”

 “As long as it’s not to help you cover up a murder, most certainly.”

 He laughed. Ever blunt, as always. “No, nothing like that. I just… I want you to promise me that no matter what happens next, that you and I will always be there to support each other. Could you do that for me?”

 Though he expected a moment of hesitation, he was met with none. Only a smile greeted him alongside her words. “I’m surprised that you felt as if you had to ask. I would do that for you in a heart beat.”

 Makoto pressed his cheek further into her shoulder. “I never doubted you.”

[takingcourage]

Color and Light

Characters: Thomas Mendez, MC (Allison), and MC’s daughter (Kira) 

Word Count: 2,400

Summary: With Luz away and Allison occupied for the morning, Thomas has a special strategy to pass the time with Kira. 

Note: I’ve been wanting to write a story about Thomas and MC’s daughter for ages. The lack of scenes between them is one of the very few complaints I have about MotY, so I thought I’d fill in a little bit of that gap with this fic. It was originally intended to fulfill a Choices August Challenge (kaleidoscope), but life got hectic in August and it this story was pushed to the back burner. All of that to say, the summer setting and inspiration for this story aren’t quite as random as they may seem. 

I hope you enjoy! Thanks so much for reading. : ) 

Crick. 

Crack. 

Thomas's stride broke as he became aware of the noise. Brow furrowing as he continued toward the kitchen, he mentally filtered through the possible causes: pipes, dishwasher, trash compactor... He was relatively certain that he hadn’t left anything running after making Allison’s coffee a half hour before. Whatever was happening in the kitchen must be taking place without his influence. 

Bracing himself, he rounded the corner. 

Though the room had no windows, the morning light still made its way into the space, relieving his fears before he'd even had a chance to flip the switch back on. 

Nothing.

There was no burst pipe, no invading animal waiting to jump out at him from the countertops, nothing at all out of the ordinary.

It was the ice maker, he realized in relief.

Thomas couldn’t recall the last time the house had been quiet enough for him to make out the background noises. With Luz around, there was always music or the television or the steady thud of soccer drills against the outside wall...With a quick shake of his head, he padded to the other end of the silent kitchen to brew a second carafe of coffee.

The air conditioner was working; he could hear the distinct hum from the upstairs unit keeping the house a pleasant 74 degrees. Soledad had chosen the best. Almost fifteen years in this house, and it had never needed more than routine maintenance to keep things perfectly cool. 

And yet, there was no mistaking the sheen breaking out on the back of his neck.

Stress had been mounting for the past twenty minutes -- ever since Allison had kissed him and slipped through the front door. Ordinarily, he'd be lacing his running shoes by now, determined to master the involuntary responses that his body was lapsing into. Today, he needed to work through it in another way.

Thomas glanced at the microwave clock, performing the calculations as he opened the refrigerator door to retrieve milk and a pair of eggs. Kira had gone to bed around 9:00 the night before. Based on the many nights she'd stayed over at the house since the start of summer, she’d wake up to join him any minute. Hot sweat returned with the confirmation.

This was hardly the first day he’d spent alone with a ten year old. It certainly wasn’t the only time he’d been with Kira without Allison there. But it was the first morning he’d spent without Luz serving as a buffer. Somehow, ten years of experience with one child hadn’t left him feeling prepared to take on the other. 

He was a lawyer and a recovering workaholic, for goodness sake -- hardly the sort of person a preteen girl wanted to spend the day with. 

Lowering the lid on the waffle maker, his eyes glazed over as the steam rose from between the metal plates. He bit down on the inside of his cheek, finally glancing away when the indicator light flickered on.

A creak sounded from the bottom of the stairs, and his heart flew into his throat. He cast a quick glance around the room before peering across the counter to the house’s other occupant. 

“Morning, Kira,” he greeted, voice sounding mostly normal. “How’d you sleep?” 

“Fine. That bunk bed is really comfortable."

“Great!” His response was a little too hasty. Pulling himself back, he topped off his mug of coffee, blew, and watched the wave ripple over the glassy surface. “I took a gamble and made some waffles for breakfast. Does that sound okay to you?”

Kira looked at the metal contraption with a curious half-smile. “It sounds delicious!”

“With orange juice?”

“Mmhmm, thank you,” she confirmed, already climbing onto a barstool. “Did my mom leave for class?”

Thomas snagged a plate from the overhead cabinet and used a pair of tongs to extract a perfectly golden-brown waffle from the mold. “She headed out about half an hour ago,” he answered before sliding her breakfast across the countertop.

Kira’s face puckered with disappointment. “She doesn’t usually leave so early; I thought I’d be up in time to see her.”

“She had to run an errand on the way," he explained. "Do you need to talk to her? You can borrow my phone if you want.”

Food forgotten, she set the syrup upright, its contents slowly oozing back down toward the bottom of the bottle. “That would be great! I wanted to wish her luck on her test.”

Passing her the device, he turned to give her some privacy. By the time he’d rinsed the mixing bowl and unplugged the waffle maker, Kira had composed the message. 

“Keep in in case she texts back,” he suggested, reaching for his coffee again.

“Thanks.” She went back to pouring syrup, alternating squares in the waffle until she’d achieved a checkerboard effect.

Concealing his raised brow, Thomas took another sip of his drink. The two girls could not be more different. With Luz, it was always a challenge to keep her from using half the bottle. Kira’s measured approach was far less troubling by comparison. If the girls already fought like real sisters, they complemented one another perfectly as well. He’d lost track of the number of times that one girl’s vice had been counteracted by the other’s virtue. 

Yet another sign that this is meant to be. 

The phone screen came to life before their eyes, and Kira tapped to view her mother’s message. “She got it in time.” With a grin, she handed it back to Thomas. “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” Based on the angle, there was no way for him to take it without casting an eye over the messages.

Good luck, mom! You’ve got this!⚡️

Thanks! Love you, kiddo. ⚡️

Something within him melted on reading the exchange, though the sensation was quickly replaced by something far less pleasant: fear.

Allison knew Kira so well. It was one of the things that had stood out to them when they’d first met, and it had only become more abundantly clear in the months that had followed. And while Guy didn’t take much of an interest in his daughter’s life, Kira still seemed to thrive on the time they spent together. In short, she already had two parents. Where did that leave him?

Sighing as he slide the phone back into his pocket, he walked around to the other side of the kitchen so he could join her at the counter.

“Thanks for making breakfast,” she acknowledged as he sat down. “You didn’t have to do that for me.”

“I wanted to. It’s not often that the two of us get to have time together.”

Kira met his eyes with an amused smile. "True, but Luz is going to be jealous when she finds out we had waffles.”

“We’ll make them again when she gets back,” he promised, feeling the anxiety stir his stomach again. Breakfast was easy. If the rest of the morning ran as smoothly, it would be a miracle.

Kira cut another bite and chewed thoughtfully. "You're really good at it. The machine my mom has always burns the middles. Yours are better,” she whispered, green eyes narrowing with the conspiratorial whisper.

“Maybe we should buy her a new machine one of these days.”

Swallowing her bite, Kira regarded him with a creased brow. “But she can just use yours -- we’re over all the time! And it would be silly to buy another one when you’re just going to get married.”

Thomas could only hope that the girl wasn't perceptive enough to notice the way his cheeks darkened at the suggestion. He forced a sip of coffee down and tried to counteract his mortification. “What makes you think we’re getting married?”

“Luz told me she found a ri--” her face froze. “Nevermind. I don’t know anything. Forget I said that.”

Sensing an opportunity, Thomas pressed her further. “Do you want us to get married?”

"Yeah." The corner of her mouth lifted as her eyes crinkled. “Mom’s really happy when she’s with you, and Luz and I would get to be sisters for real! It would be perfect.”

He smiled in agreement before deciding it would be prudent to change the subject. “How should we spend the rest of our morning?” 

Inadvertently, the question came just as she’d placed another forkful of waffle into her mouth. Thomas offered a repentant chuckle as she worked over the bite of food, though she didn’t seem to hold it against him.

“I brought a book,” she informed him after swallowing. “I can be super quiet while you’re working. Oh! Or do you have a case I can help with? I could read tracking numbers to you again if you want.”

“Actually,” he began, growing almost shy with the suggestion, “I was hoping you might be up for a science project today -- whatever you like.” He set his near-empty cup on the marble surface, hoping he hadn’t misstepped.  

“Really?” Her eyes flashed to life again, scrunching up at the corners in exactly the same way Allison’s did when she was passionate about something. Even if he’d never met her mother, the girl’s expression would have been impossible to resist. 

“Really. It would be fun to make something we can show your mom when she gets back this afternoon.”

“And Luz, when she gets back from soccer camp!”

“And Luz,” he added with a grin. He wondered vaguely if the two girls would be so eager to see each other once they were living under the same roof all of the time. “I’ll let you decide on a project while I clean up from breakfast. Doesn’t matter what it is.”

“Okay!” she took a pensive bite while he walked back around to the kitchen. “You’re sure it can be anything?”

“Uhhh,” he wavered, remembering too well the sorts of things that ten-year-old girls were capable of when there were no boundaries. It’s Kira, he had to remind himself. At worst, we’re looking at a bunsen-burner fire or some kind of mild chemical reaction. “Anything,” he confirmed after a pause. 

“Okay, I figured it out,” she announced moments later as he was wiping down the countertops.

“And...?”

“I wanna make a kaleidoscope!”

“Sounds perfect, though I think we’ll need to go on a supply run. Can you make a list?”

She held out one hand to begin ticking items on her fingers. “Well, I’ve already got confetti for the bottom. Faye gave me a bunch from one of her promo boxes and told me to use it for something cool. If we can run by our apartment, I know exactly where it is. After that, we’ll need some PVC pipe, mirrors, a glass cutter, a petri dish....” Still bending her fingers, she paused for further consideration. 

“You’ve really thought about this, haven’t you?” 

“I’ve wanted to make one for forever!” Catching herself, she backpedaled a bit. “If you’re sure it’s okay...”

“I have one condition...” Squeezing the excess water from the towel, he draped it over the faucet to dry. Kira’s eyes were glued to him when he turned, her brows slanted with something approaching consternation. “You have to explain what you’re doing each step of the way so I know how it works.”

Her mouth fell open for a beat before snapping shut again. “Sure!”

This time, the smile that came to Thomas’s face was a little more confident. So far, so good.  

_____

For the next several hours, all worries were in vain. There were no awkward silences or stumbling uncertainties. Each minute was consumed with questions and explanations, safety tutorials for cutting glass, excited strategizing, and careful construction. They’d just started clearing up their lunch dishes when Allison’s key clicked in the lock. 

“Mom!” Kira rushed to finish loading her plate in the dishwasher. “How was your test?” Her whole face was lifted in anticipation. 

“I passed with a 96%.”

“You’re so smart, mom!”

Retrieving the elastic band from her wrist, Allison swept her hair into a loose bun at the nape of her neck. “And you’re so sweet. Thanks for the energy zap this morning.”

“Welcome! Do you wanna see what Thomas and I made?”

At Allison’s eager nod, Kira led her to the den. Thomas stayed behind until the rest of the dishes were in the machine, content to hear their lively chatter a couple of rooms away. 

When he joined them, Allison was waiting by the arched doorway. “Kira’s never going to forget this. I can’t thank you enough.”

"The pleasure was mine. And I have to admit, it was a very educational day for me. I didn’t realize how rusty I’d gotten in geometry and physics.”

“She’ll keep your mind sharp, that one.”

“One of the many perks to having the two of you around.”

“Ooh! Look at this!” Kira called out in the closest thing to a shriek that he’d ever heard from her. “The pattern is sooo cool. It looks like a gamma-ray burst!”

Taking the proffered object, he held it to his eye and squinted until he had a proper view. Between the mirrors and the lights, Faye’s bits of paper had taken on new life in a pattern that was at once both uniform and wild. And though he had only the faintest idea what a gamma-ray burst looked like, satisfaction took hold of him as he gazed through the tiny opening.

Since her birth, Luz had been his light. She’d carried him through on the days when he hadn’t even been certain he wanted to go on. For a time, that light had been all he’d needed. But Allison and Kira had brought more to the equation: a beauty, a vibrance, a curiosity and passion for life that he hadn’t even realized he’d been missing. Together, the three of them made for a fuller world than he had ever thought possible. 

“Did you know they’re the brightest explosions in the universe?”

“I didn’t,” he whispered, careful not to shift the design as he passed the cylinder back to Kira. 

Thomas settled next to Allison, her shoulder a comfortable weight against his while they listened to the enthusiastic science lesson that followed. As her fingers sought his, Thomas’s thoughts drifted (ever so slightly) to the ring Luz had found a few days before. If all went the way he was hoping, his home -- and his life -- would never be colorless again. 

[peachieboysnetwork]

The Bracelet - PJY

Today is your dear friend Jinwoo's baby shower. She is 8 months into her pregnancy and looks as if the baby girl could come at any moment. Her husband Youngjae has been her rock throughout the whole pregnancy. Meaning, she has hardly lifted a finger, any wish is his command. At first, Youngjae and Jinwoo didn't want a baby shower because it seemed like too much planning, especially with the games and party favors involved. But then Jinwoo realized that she could never have her first baby shower with her first baby ever again! So, best believe Youngjae started planning the baby shower but on the condition, it was a small gathering of close family and friends with good games and food…

After getting dressed and grabbing the baby present and my personal belongings, I headed to their house. _I saw so many cars parked around the block...I thought this was gonna be a small gathering. _I opened the gate leading to the backyard and it was beautifully lit by fairy lights and lanterns that were labeled “Soojae”. That's probably what they are gonna name her… cute. I kept admiring the set up until I got a surprise bear hug from the lady of the party.

“JIN WOO!” I screamed and turned around to hug her back. She giggled and mumbled a “Hi” into my hair while clutching on to me. We let go of our hug just so I can admire her belly! She looked at me grinning and just said, “She’s coming soon and I am so freaky dinky excited!” While slightly jumping up and down but suddenly stopped due to Youngjae coming over trying to calm her down because the woman is a ticking baby bomb. “Honey, what are you doing? I need you to calm down a little bit because I will probably die of a heart attack tonight if you keep running, jumping or tripping within the five hours of this party that is for our little bean inside of you.”

“I just wanted to greet my guest and show her to the table of party game sign-ups and THEN lead her to a table THEN lead her to get food!” Jinwoo whisper-yelled at him because both the stress has been catching up quite enough. Youngjae looked at the love of his life and sighed then kissed her head and slightly smiled, “Okay then but let me say hi to her and place the gift with the others for later tonight, huh?” Jinwoo back to her adorable self nodded.

Youngjae turned and hugged you, “Hey y/n, how you’ve been?” “Hi, I've been great. Just working and doing nothing with my free time, the usual.” I laughed. “Well that’s slightly good, you need a boyfriend to fill the empty space in your life…”

“Nah, I think I'm good. You sound like my mom.” I say while laughing.

“Mhm sure... Who knows maybe you’ll find love tonight” he said this with a smirk and wink._ I hope he doesn’t try to play cupid tonight._ He then walked away with his baby girl’s gift in his hands.

“Now, let us begin!” Jinwoo grabbed my arm and dragged me to a colorful table with three sign up sheets… “There are 3 games, being played Pin the baby in the uterus, the bracelet challenge and measuring my belly… interested in any?” She looked back at me. I replied, “Just the bracelet one, that one is my favorite.” She nodded and slipped on a purple bracelet that had their daughter's name on it onto my wrist. “Okay, I'm certain you know the rules but a refresher: remove bracelet only if their arms or legs are crossed! Winner gets a designer bag and second place gets a bottle of wine.” I nodded excitedly and then followed her to the table where there were a few of our past classmates as well. I said a quick hello to them because Jinwoo was quickly dragging me to the buffet. “Hey, quit dragging me there's no rush it's just food,” I reassured her. Jinwoo looked at me straight into my eyes and said: “wait for it”. One of the servers at the buffet announced: “ONE HOUR LEFT!” Suddenly, so many people rushed up to get more food and even encouraged their kids to get another plate. It was so mind-boggling, that Jinwoo closed my mouth shut with her palm claiming I would catch a fly if I kept it open any longer.

After, getting served my food. I retreated back to my table and made small talk with my table mates. Catching up on life and joking on things we didn’t understand that we did back then when it was “cool”. After finishing my two plates of food. I was lucky, got pushed but lucky. I began to slowly scope the area of people with crossed limbs… The rambunctious boys kept blocking my view. Finally, I saw two girls chatting away about their future vacation with legs crossed! I casually walked to them and leaned in to ask if I could have their bracelet. They grumbled but gave them up. I already have three on my wrist. Hell Yes! As I was walking back to my table, I finally realized how loud these people are! I looked over to them and made eye contact with this brown doe-eyed fella then looked at his wrist there was a bracelet but no crosses limbs. Dang. As I reached my table everyone had their arms crossed due to the windy weather. _Jackpot. I now have eight bracelets. _

As the party continued. Measuring the belly and pin the baby on the uterus occurred. I learned the six rambunctious guys are Youngjae’s friends from college. There’s Jackson, who screamed after taking off his blindfold to see that he pinned the baby on the breast! Mark, who is quiet but often gets swept away with the loudness especially while listening to the hints given by his friends. Jaebum, who kept getting egged on to try the game once! Bambam, the one who kept screaming “My baby, baby, baby woooaaahhh!” while pinning the baby on an ovary. Yugyeom, a shy tall man who couldn’t help the fact that he pinned it on the wall next to the picture. And finally Jinyoung, the mysterious brown doe-eyed man. who is actually quite cute and pinned the baby correctly on the uterus. He had seven bracelets on him! You are beating him at least. I need to keep an eye out for more people…

Ten bracelets now… you took them from Jinwoo’s parents who enjoyed catching up with you. Youngjae shouted, “TWENTY MINUTES LEFT IN THE BRACELET GAME!”

This was going to be a long time. You wandered around the backyard, with roaming eyes on the crowd. I think there are only ten minutes left… Finally! Someone is crossing their legs but I only see their back. This is gonna be awkward but I want the damn prize …

You tapped on the guy’s shoulder “Excuse me but can I have your brac-“ Jinyoung turned around and looked at me and smiled, only for him to say, “No.”

“I’m sorry? But you’re crossing your legs and arms! It's the rules, you cross em, you lose.”

“No need to apologize but I don’t want you to have it .” He said so calmly. The other boys quiet down to listen.

“FIVE MINUTES LEFT” Youngjae shouted.

“But I need them to win the game! Please.” You look at Jinyoung with pleading eyes.

Jinyoung looks back at you and sighs, “fine but I want something in return.”

“Deal.” You took his bracelet and was ready to walk away but you got tapped on the shoulder. You look over to see a very tall Jinyoung towering over you handing you six more bracelets.

He smiled and showed these cute little eye crinkles and a dimple appeared. “Here, you said you wanted to win right?”

You look back up at him and ogle him and suddenly had the urge to hug him. Maybe kiss him?  

“Thank you very much.”

As you walked back to your table with seventeen bracelets on your wrist. Jinwoo announced that the game is over and will be coming to each table to receive the scores. You gave her your score and she left to the front of the backyard to determine the winners.

“OKAY, the bracelet game first place winner is Soobin! Congrats, you receive a purse! The second-place winner is y/n! Congrats, you receive a wine bottle! “

_A freaking wine bottle, what in the actual hell? I thought I was clearly in the lead! _

Jinwoo comes up to me with the wine bottle, “Sorry hun, she had twenty bracelets.”

“It’s okay, at least I get free alcohol.”

“Y/n! Jinwoo, honey! Come over here and sit with us for a bit. “

Youngjae was sitting with his group of friends. Jinyoung had his eye on you. Maybe you could share the bottle with him?

You guys made your way over and sat in the two empty chairs one next to Jinyoung and the other next to Youngjae.

“Congrats” Jinyoung whispers to you

“Thanks, I thought I would easily have gotten first place though.” How did I not notice it?

“It’s okay, but don’t forget my end of the bargain…”

“I know, how should I repay you back?” God I hope he isn’t a creep about it..

“ Maybe you can keep me company the rest of the night and hopefully I’ll be able to drink your prize with you over a date?” He looks at you with hopeful eyes

_This handsome man just asked me out. how the hell? When the hell? Oh shit, answer now! _

“Hello, y/n?”

“Yes” that’s all you could spit out before it was too late

“I will take up that offer,” you said smiling

“Good, now would you like to tell me why you are obsessed with this game and how come Youngjae has never introduced me to you?” He said this then eyeing Youngjae.

Youngjae raised his arms in defense, “hey! This isn’t my fault! You both have no lives other than work. I'm glad you two met cause you both need a major change in your routine.”

Everyone laughed and cheered for new beginnings!

The night proceeded to the couple opening gifts and thanking everyone for the gifts and their company.

While, Jinyoung and you talked the whole night about books, alone time, cooking, and favorite tv shows to recommend.

Jinyoung waited for you to say your goodbyes to the expecting couple. Both of you left side by side with your hands slightly touching every now and then.

You were now in front of your car. Jinyoung stuffed his hands in your pockets and said, “ I’ll pick you up next Saturday at 4pm?”

“It’s a date!” You said giggling

Jinyoung chuckled and took one hand out of his pocket and patted my head. “Be safe and text me when you arrive home.”

You nodded and bid your farewell.

As you drove home, you thought about how Jinyoung might be the best thing to come from this entire event. Sorry, Soojae.

Authors Note:

Hi there! I hope you enjoyed this piece of writing and feel encouraged to request something!

Stay safe and healthy.

[inscribed-in-asteroids]

AN: Here’s chapter two!

Title: The Ripple Effect

Characters: Hordak, Entrapta, Odessa, features original characters

Pairing: Entrapdak, features other canon couples (and some fanon)

Rating: M

Read on AO3. It’s always posted there first.

                                                     Evaluation

“You want us to help you… find your dad’s… home planet?” Hydrangea questions.

“Not necessarily that,” Odessa replies. “I’ve been mulling over this the last couple of years. Wandering through space, it’s apparent that my father’s species has predominantly settled into Etherian life. But when I ask my father where we are from, he has no answer.”

“Not in the withholding information way,” Tristan clarifies.

“Exactly. In the sense he has no answer to give. Period. I’ve discussed it with my mother, and she believes it could be an exciting chance to find out where he’s from!” Odessa claps her hands together. “We know about the biology, physiology, mental health, behavior of one person. My father has been studied thoroughly for years, but his makeup can only tell us so much.”

They nod in understanding. It does make sense. He has been genetically manufactured over and over, thousands of versions of him co-existing among species that still have yet to see anything like him before. Hordak has lived among Etherians, has explored world upon world, but they know he is an anomaly. They all do.

Odessa looks down at her hands, an anomaly herself. Her parents have always been supportive of her intellectual pursuits, and this could very well be one of the greatest. She has filled a medical textbook composed of both Entrapta’s research, Hordak’s explanations, and her own observations, theories and notes about how his species operates. But what good is it if it simply applies to a single individual; that’s not applicable to how science or medical practice works.

Hydrangea pours them tea. She knows how determined Odessa can be once she sets her mind to something. There’s no stopping her once her brain gains traction on an idea. Tristan’s set face comprehends this as well.

Tristan speaks first, “When would you like us to begin?”

Odessa smirks, “Soon as you’re done with your drink.”

“Hm, of course you’d say that.”

“Damn right,” Odessa answers.

Hydrangea places her hands on her hips, “Alright, Des. We’ll get going soon as we’re done!”

“Or you could chug your chamomile in one go.”

“No.”

                                                              -

Dryl is etched further into rocky cliffs, its labyrinth excavated deep inside the mountain. Its residents welcome their princess, happy to see her return. Entrapta’s kingdom had been left to its own devices for years, even prior to Entrapta’s departure; yet they view Odessa as the rightful heir, and treat her as such. She supposes it's something to be grateful for, as it does leave them with a place to rest and organize without much interference.

Though she could do without the large paintings of herself lining the walls.

“I never get over how cute you were as a baby,” Hydrangea says, giggling. “Look how chubby you were!”

“You were so adorable,” Tristan gushes. “So innocent.”

“The sweetest little baby,” she continues. “I still want to pinch your itty bitty face!”

“Shut up,” Odessa pouts, blushing. Curse these portraits… and curse their laughter...

“Odessa! Hello, hello!”

Relieved, she turns, smiling at the friendly face, “Hi, Uncle Wrong-Man.”

Crushing her to his chest, he presses their cheeks together, “It’s been so long since I’ve seen my most favorite niece in the world!”

“You’re going to make all the other nieces jealous,” she says. Then smiles, “But it’s true.”

“I can’t help it, you were the first niece I had!”

Back on her feet, Odessa glances at the vicinity. Normally, there’s more of her uncles wandering through the halls. “Where is everyone?”

“Oh, they’re working outside or in the kitchens. We heard you were back and we felt a welcoming party would be fun!”

“You don’t have to throw one every time we come back.”

His eyes turn watery, a sad, morose frown on his features, “Oh… I see… You don’t… like my parties anymore…”

“No, no, that’s not it!” Odessa says, trying to cheer him back up. “I just meant you don’t need to go through all the trouble each visit.”

He looks up at her, ears drooping lower, “Do you like them?”

“Yes, Uncle Wrong-Man, I love your parties,” she insists. “You’re the best at it!”

In seconds, his bubbly personality returns, “Excellent! I look forward to giving you another party suited to your tastes!”

Tristan leans toward Odessa, hand held up to his mouth, “Wow, for a minute I thought I heard violins.”

“He has that dramatic flair to him,” she agrees.

“How have your parents been? I haven’t seen them yet!” W.H. asks.

“Mom and Dad are fine,” Odessa tells him, following him through the halls. The maze has been modified to be easier to map out. The first time she had come here, they had gotten lost since Entrapta couldn’t quite recall where all the secret entrances were. Odessa took it upon herself to make her own layout, and added to it whenever a change had been made. “They went to Beast Island to see how it is there.”

His ears fall for a moment, “Aw, I hope they’ll visit soon!”

“I’m sure they will,” she assures him. “They had some business to conduct over there.”

“In the meantime, what brings you to Dryl?”

“I wanted to talk to you and some of the others regarding your past,” she explains.

W.H. enters the closest kitchen, walking toward the oven. Tucking on mitts, a perplexed expression crosses his features, “Our past? My dearest niece… have you been afflicted by amnesia?”

“No, my memories serve me right,” Odessa says, patient. “I am asking for information regarding where we had come from, as a whole species. What world we originated from, what our culture was like. I had spoken with father about the matter, but he said he didn’t know due to being younger than the rest of you.”

W.H. crosses over to the countertop, removing the cookies onto a cooling rack. He is silent for a few moments, and it is clear he is choosing his words carefully, trying to understand what she’s asking. He turns, a serious mien about him, unusual on his face. “I… I’m not sure, either.”

Odessa walks over to him, “Is it because you were separated from the hivemind?”

“I don’t believe so,” he replies. Folding his arms over his chest, the fact they’re all one person reveals itself in his posture and tone. “We had been created to serve Horde Prime. Nothing more or less. And I do think that I myself had been cloned after your father. He had been Horde Prime’s general as well, and if he didn’t know, one of our elder brothers might have the knowledge you seek.”

Odessa glances at Hydrangea and Tristan, then back to her uncle. “Do you know who would?”

W.H. ponders for a minute. “Hm, no one here, I am certain. The residents of Dryl are like myself—of the younger group, since we have more people skills to associate with the Etherians.”

Hydrangea says, “I always wondered how that worked. Where you were designated and why.”

W.H. nods, “Oh, yes, we put thought into what our new purposes would be. After I helped my brother and sister with Beast Island, I came here to demonstrate how to function with Etherians!”

Tristan walks over to the counter, “Where do you recommend we go, then? Also, can I have one?”

W.H. beams, nodding enthusiastically, “Please do! I am going to make much more. But in regards to your first question, I would suggest visiting family in Mystacore or Beast Island.”

Odessa takes a cookie off the rack as well, munching. Mystacore is closer, so it would be prudent to try there before traveling to Beast Island. There are portals stationed throughout Etheria, but it’ll be worth stopping by Mystacore. She hasn’t seen anyone there at all yet. Although, it’s not as if there are many who live in the clouds, visiting her family there is always exciting.

“Thank you, Uncle Wrong-Man,” Odessa says, reaching up to kiss his cheek. “We’ll head there now!”

“Take some food with you to go,” he insists. In a flash, he’s bagging the cookies into a cellophane sack, tying it with a pink ribbon that shapes into a butterfly. “Healthy meals are important, but so are treats! Otherwise, you get moody.”

Hydrangea and Tristan are handed their own bags, much to their surprised delight. Before Odessa can accompany them out the door, W.H. stops her, giving her another, “Would you mind taking this with you for your cousin?”

Odessa smiles, “I wouldn’t mind at all.”

                                                             -

Hordak and his brothers were categorized not by their clothes, or hair dye choices, but by their eyes. Odessa and her mother had noted the various shades of eye color, their teeth matching them the most; however, inside of their mouths, it adjusts to mimic the change as well, affecting the tongue and beneath it, gums, hard and soft palates, uvula, even extending down to the oropharynx. All her uncles are in good health, and with none of them dead, she can only assume that the change continues down the esophagus. She got it in writing several years ago that, should any be willing to be dissected for scientific purposes, she has a few choices for her study.

Their eye colors are fascinating: while they all reflect light to glow, which is meant to intimidate opponents, she has observed the change serves as behavioral distinction. The lighter the color, the more mellow and passive the personality; the darker or more intense, the more independent and aggressive. A chameleon-like feature, reflecting mood. And, in turn, signifying mental and physical health, as peppier individuals tend to be less plagued by feelings of inadequacy, anger, and low self-esteem. W.H. had his eye color eventually become the joyful chartreuse yellow she’s known since birth, and her father’s returned to their fiery red sometime after the war. This is the one true variation that doesn’t need attire or fanciful hair styles and dyes to show that no matter how alike they are by DNA, they are their own separate people.

So when she teleports to Mystacore, and she finds dark blue eyes staring at her from above, she remembers, quite immediately, that sometimes, darker eye colors don’t indicate low self-esteem but rather, an egregious amount of confidence.

Her uncle jumps down from his perch, landing daintily on his feet. He narrows his eyes, leering, “Odessa… it has been ages since you’ve arrived on Mystacore.”

“Hi, Talon,” Odessa says.

He looks at her friends, “You two are faring well, I hope.”

Hydrangea smiles, “Yes, thank you for asking!”

Tristan nods, “You look good, too, Talon.”

“Indeed,” Talon answers. “It would be a shame if I lost my abilities.”

With that, he throws knives out from his sleeve. Tristan dodges the attack by barreling to the side, somersaulting along the ground. Hydrangea calls up plants from underground, knives embedding into the sides. Odessa leaps into the air, reaching behind her to draw out a handheld bar. With a click, it extends to a staff, and another morphs it quickly into a pilum.

Reeling back her arm, she launches it with full ferocity at Talon. He avoids it, jumping to the left and pulling out more knives, but he aims them at Tristan, who runs toward the nearest fountain to pull water out from its containment. Tristan moves his arms upward, pushing out enough water to create a vertical depth, the knives slowing down as they pierce its surface and float inside.

Odessa tugs her spear out from the dirt, cornering her uncle at the right. Hydrangea pulls plants forward, fingers splayed in the air. From her fingertips, electricity strings across her exoskeleton. Tristan rushes to their side, water sloshing around them, encasing Talon in its center, creating a barrier.

Talon sneers, then bursts out laughing. His stance loosens, standing upright, “Your senses haven’t weakened. Good. I’d be vexed if you squandered my generosity to teach you combat.”

Odessa smirks, minimizing her staff and settling it behind her back, “We wouldn’t do that.”

Hydrangea grins, “Tristan and I do practice on our own.”

Tristan shifts the water back toward its source, then rubs the back of his neck, “Which is great, since there was no holding back from that attack.”

“Enemies don’t show mercy,” Talon says. Adjusting his collar, he nods his head, “But tell me, what brings my niece and her companions to Mystacore?”

Odessa speaks, “I wanted to ask you something.”

“Me?” he replies, curious.

“Yes. It’s about your origins. Uncle Wrong-Man said it might be beneficial to come to Mystacore and question my relatives here.”

Talon raises a brow. He looks up at his home, then addresses the trio, “Are you intending to stay for longer than an hour?”

“Most likely.”

“I will invite you to my home, then. Come. Dinner will be prepared soon, and we may discuss the topic during.”

Accepting this, they head in the direction of his home. An impressive, ornate building that’s three stories high; they tread up wide steps, where one can overlook the weigela bushes lined around the vicinity’s front entrance, a fountain spouting water in the garden’s center, surrounded by lilacs and roses. Cool air wafts over their bodies, welcome from the heat outside. Odessa remarks that the decor has only slightly changed, the furniture taking on silver, blue, and white qualities, polished until they gleam.

Going to the stairs, Talon nods at them, “Make yourselves at home. As usual, do not break anything. I will see you at dinner promptly.”

Once he’s gone, Hydrangea chuckles, “He’s still intense.”

“He’s gonna kill us one day,” Tristan sighs.

Odessa pats his shoulder, “Only if we let him.”

He lips thin out, “Not reassuring, Des.”

Climbing the steps, they decide to wait until they are called, and opt to entertain themselves by bothering someone else.

                                                             -

Magic radiates within the room, energy felt even behind the door. Odessa carefully pushes it open, seeing a slim figure move around. Putting a finger to her lips, she leads her friends into her cousin’s quarters. His face is stern, staring at the spell hovering over the ground at shoulder height.

Hydrangea sits quietly on a cushion on the floor, and Tristan does the same. Odessa leans against the wall, and they all watch. Eon is her cousin, and their similarities begin and end with their fathers having chosen Etherian women as their partners. He differs from her, and any other potential cousin, by having the capability to do magic. Real, Etherian magic.

Eon takes measured breathing, focusing on the spell. It elongates toward the ceiling and floor, then narrows to a thin line. Reaching for it, he plucks it with his forefinger. It snaps, and a discordant sound follows, uncomfortable and shrill. Hydrangea and Tristan cover their ears, as Odessa winces.

Eon looks at them, brow raised. He grins, “Did you all enjoy the show?”

“We did, until that,” Hydrangea complains, glaring at him. She frowns, lightly slapping her ears, “Aw no, there’s some ringing!”

“It’ll pass in a few moments,” Eon explains. “Besides, you three coming into my room unannounced and unwelcome deserves a bit of retribution.”

“By popping our eardrums?” Tristan asks, deadpan.

“Exactly,” Eon says, one hand on his hip. He turns to Odessa, and smiles. “You’re here sooner than expected.”

“I believe we arrived on time,” she answers, grinning back. She hasn’t seen him for a while, but he has gotten taller since then. He takes after their species' propensity for large heights, but she knows he’s grown a few inches and might continue to grow for the next couple of years as well.

Eon begins putting away his spellbook and notes, arranging them neatly, “What are the three of you doing here? With you on Etheria, you normally visit me later on your returns.”

“I came to ask your father some questions, but then he invited us to dinner.”

“He can be standoffish, but oddly enough, never when it comes to hosting meals.”

Hydrangea sits up, “We got into a sparring session with him right away too.”

Eon joins them on the floor, one knee bent to prop up an arm, “I had mine early this morning. You know him, he’s never done with training.”

Crossing outstretched legs, Tristan reclines against the wall, “Your parents don’t let up, huh?”

“No, but I head to my place at Bright Moon later in the month. I check in biweekly to continue my sparring and magic training, then head back and repeat.”

“That’s a lot of back and forth,” Hydrangea adds, holding a pillow to her chest.

Shrugging, Eon says, “I don’t mind. Keeps me busy.”

Odessa chuckles lightly, taking a seat beside Tristan, “For being super busy, Uncle Wrong-Man said to give you this.” Pulling out the bag, she tosses it to him.

Eon catches it deftly, a quiet ‘yes’ of triumph leaving his lips. His diet is strict when he’s with his parents, for optimal nutrition and betterment. But he has a sweet tooth that rivals Odessa and Entrapta, thus any opportunity to consume sugar is taken. Using a levitation spell, he has it placed atop his desk, and an invisibility spell follows after, keeping it from view.

“Won’t your parents find it? It’s not like you can’t smell cookies,” Odessa states.

“I’ll say it was one of you.”

Hydrangea laughs, “I don’t think they’ll be entirely fooled by that.”

“If not, that’s fine by me too,” Eon says. “I let them think they’re savvier than myself.”

Tristan smirks, “How often has that worked?”

“More than for you,” Eon says, smirking back.

Odessa and Hydrangea whoop at Tristan, who laughs in good humor.

Stretching his arms up and to the side, Eon turns to his cousin, “How did the last journey go?”

“It went as planned. We went to Pilan, and my parents found what they needed for research.”

“And you two?” he asks, addressing the others.

Hydrangea lays on her stomach, drawing circles on the pillow, “Hm… my moms have started taking me to council meetings, which is interesting. We had a gathering with some of the leaders in Plumeria that are helping to manage its growing space. And New Chelicerata has been thriving for years now, since we removed all the machinery in the Fright Zone and expanded it into the Flower Field.”

“Not all the toxins have been removed, I’m assuming.”

“Some of the groundwater had been too polluted, and it leaked into larger bodies of water, but, as a whole, we started seeing real progress six years ago.”

“I’ve been helping the residents there by removing water too far gone,” Tristan adds. “We’ve been separating them into larger containers as instructed, and we’re hoping that newer technology from Entrapta and Hordak will yield positive results in another decade or so.”

“Even if it’s slow, progression is always good.”

Odessa glances to her left, letting her mind drift. Time doesn’t pass by the same when traveling through space. She watches her mother age, while her father stays the same, and that’s the extent of how often she pays attention to the changes happening around her. It’s not from ignorance, but from not giving too much thought to it, even with the years she has spent returning to Etheria to evaluate and aid her people here.

Settling against Tristan, Odessa yawns. He keeps his body still as she falls asleep, finding their chatter relaxing. Dinner will arrive sooner if she’s napping. Even closing her eyes is enough for her body to rest, breathing quietly as she listens to them discuss any topic they happen upon.

Her friends are interrupted mid-conversation, a knock at the door grabbing their attention. Odessa opens an eye. The housekeeper bows her head, addressing Eon, “Your parents are waiting for you in the dining room. Please, follow me.”

                                                              -

Odessa knows her uncle, Talon, is a force to be reckoned with in combat, but her aunt, Nyxia, is a woman with severe features and a severer personality. If there was ever given a choice between fighting him or her, they may have to weigh their options a little more carefully.

She is seated next to Eon, with Hydrangea and Tristan placed across from them. Odessa leans toward her cousin, “Did Nyxia poison the food this time?”

Eon shakes his head, “Maybe Tristan’s.”

Tristan bawks, “Hey!”

Waving his hand, Eon smiles, “I’m teasing. It’s more than likely Hydrangea.”

“What?!” she demands, worried.

“You two are making this easy,” Eon grins, shaking his head. “Really, after all this time, you continue to doubt my parents’ hospitality.”

“I haven’t seen your mom in a while, okay? I wouldn’t know if I offended her last time,” Hydrangea breathes out, leaning back in her chair.

Ear twitching, Odessa catches the sound of footfalls, her aunt coming into view from the corridor, chin-length, violet hair framing lithe, dark features, gown flowing behind her. Definitely not a person to be out of line around.

But that only applies to non-relatives.

Nyxia smiles warmly at her niece, “Odessa! My charming girl, how have you been?”

“Wonderful, Aunt Nyxia, thank you,” Odessa replies, nodding her head in respect.

“Excellent. I heard all of you did well in your impromptu session with my husband earlier,” she says, making her way to the other end of the table. Standing beside her chair, she looks at her son’s other friends, “Talon remarked that you’ve improved considerably.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Hydrangea and Tristan reply at once.

Talon comes from the opposite corridor, walking toward Nyxia. Pulling out the chair for her and sliding it beneath, he moves to the other end and takes his place at the head. The staff bring out their meal: roasted pheasants and potatoes, slathered in its drippings, with baked seasoned vegetables on the side. Wine is served to all of them, as Nyxia and Talon are lax in this department of child-rearing, though the option to have different beverages is always available. Odessa requests her usual fizzy drink, as Hydrangea asks for lemon water. Tristan and Eon have no qualms with the choice displayed in front of them.

“Smells delicious, Miss Nyxia,” Hydrangea compliments.

“Thank you, my dear,” she answers, laying a cloth on her lap. “When I heard you three were in Mystacore, I chose to make this instead.”

Odessa and Eon twiddle each other’s fingers under the table, a silent ‘fuck yeah’ to the change in menu. Nyxia is a phenomenal chef, but she abhors cooking. The usual staff do lovely work, except they are meant to keep things simple, clean, and balanced. Nyxia, despite agreeing with her husband on meal preparation, manages to create rich, satisfying food each time. Normally, when Odessa and her family are visiting.

Relishing this opportunity, Eon cuts into his pheasant, stabbing a portion of potato with it, melting on his tongue. Trying not to pretend-weep. Or actually weep.

“What was your question, Odessa?” Talon asks, swirling the wine in its glass. “It’s not like you to come without your parents.”

Dabbing her mouth, Odessa looks at him, “I wanted to ask you questions about your time serving as a soldier for Prime.”

He doesn’t break the smooth motion of his wrist, not minding that part of his life, “Yes?”

“I was told that older clones might have information regarding our origins. A life before Prime sought out to conquer the universe. My father and W.H. are too young to remember, or were never privy to it. You’re one of the eldest, so I figured to come here before heading to Beast Island.”

Talon sets down his glass, lifting his fork and knife. He takes a bite of his food, chewing quietly. Swallowing, he says, “I will be blunt: it is not possible to know such a thing. Our purpose, our life, was to do Prime’s bidding.”

“There isn’t anything you can think of?”

Talon mulls the question, glancing up at his wife, then back to the plate. He narrows his eyes, and they flicker to an even darker shade of blue for a fraction of a moment. He gives a minute shake of his head, imperceptible to all but his wife.

Odessa waits for him to speak, slipping out her recorder with a strand of hair.

“I… cannot remember a time before Horde Prime. There was only war. Ravaged lands, and screaming,” he leans forward. He meets his niece’s gaze, “You might have to go to Beast Island for your answers, though I do not trust they will know more. Many of us have been alive for decades, but not millennia.”

“Is there a reason for that?” Tristan wonders. “The hivemind was the source of connection. Did you lose memories once it left?”

“No, it doesn’t seem to be that way,” Talon answers, sipping his drink. “It’s more… you have recollections, starting from the present. And it continues backwards until it stops. A wall in your head, which is the moment of when we, for lack of a better word, are ‘born.’ From what I’ve gathered, raising Eon, and observing all of you growing up, an infant that develops naturally can have memories that are faint—both in sensation and imagery, and the mind’s eye develops scenarios of what could’ve happened. Piecing puzzles in your memory banks. Attempting to make sense of your childhood and surroundings, and it even causes you to feel certain emotions into adulthood on a subconscious level. For us, and my brothers, there is no guesswork. There is the instant of emerging from the vitrine, and from there it goes on. Our memories are crystal clear, and gaps do not occur. If we feel emotion, it’s from direct experiences, not preconceived ideas of maybe how we experienced living. The hivemind being removed made us how we are now, but its absence didn’t seem to affect anything else.”

“Fascinating,” Odessa says, forgetting her meal. “So, you remember everything?”

“Yes. It would seem my brothers and I recall memories at greater capacities than most.”

“Would you say you have photographic memory?” Hydrangea asks, leaning forward.

“Our superior intellect allows us to retain knowledge quicker, and we remember things for longer, but a true photographic memory isn’t an aspect we have considered.”

Nyxia cuts into her pheasant, “It’s not unlikely. Your brothers and you have shown an uncanny ability to remember things more greatly than Etherians. It might be prudent to research it further, wouldn’t you say?”

Nodding in agreement, Odessa would not rule it out. She’ll discuss it with her mother for an unbiased opinion later.

Dinner finishes with chiffon cake and fruit, leaving guests and hosts satisfied. Talon and Nyxia wave at the door, as Eon walks them to the portal.

“It was good to see you all,” Hydrangea says, turning to Eon. She clasps his hands, “You should visit more!”

Eon blushes slightly, still not used to open demeanors, “I’ll try to make an effort.”

Tristan pats his shoulder, “You have to get out more. Between you and Odessa, I don’t know who’s more of the hermit.”

“It’s definitely me,” Eon replies. “Odessa’s too needy.”

Punching him in the arm, Odessa gives a side-hug right after. She and her friends step onto the portal, “I’ll drop by again soon! And visit my parents sometime, dumbass.”

He flips her off, smirking.

Hopping through the portal, they arrive in Plumeria, where she bids goodbye to her friends. Then, she heads to Beast Island.

                                                               -

“Odessa! My little cupcake, how was your trip to Mystacore?” Entrapta asks. Imp, crawling around on the walls, chirps his greetings with Emily beeping at her return.

“It was very interesting,” Odessa says, pulling out her recorder. “Would you like to listen with me?”

“You bet!” Entrapta shouts, sidling over to sit on her hair. Odessa takes a proffered seat before playing back the conversation at dinner. She listens with rapt attention, the two of them quiet. Afterward, Entrapta grins, “That was fascinating! I had noticed that your relatives tend to be more affluent with recollection than most, but this requires more study.”

“Do you think there is a possibility that they have photographic memory?”

“We won’t know unless we test the hypothesis,” Entrapta turns to her daughter, grinning wide. “You know what that means!”

Odessa grins wide too, saying it with her.

“Time to experiment!”

                                                               -

Odessa and Entrapta had to decide what and how to measure. The test is simple on paper, but part of the reason memory tests can be difficult is due to fallibility of nature. Recalling a memory does not equate accuracy. They also had to take into account that Etherian children were more susceptible to false memories, which could affect them as adults, hence, why Talon said that there’s no guesswork for his brothers and himself. And when it came to the ethics, Entrapta reminded Odessa that it’s part of experimentation, much to the latter’s chagrin. Odessa would’ve followed, regardless, but she’s more determined to see things through without obstacles.

A lack of true full-blooded children for Hordak’s species, and Eon and Odessa were not little anymore, that wasn’t necessary to entertain. However, Odessa and Entrapta believed it would be prudent to test the memory of Eon and any other hybrid cousins simultaneously to the Etherian and Horde groups, sans Odessa.

After deliberating, they chose to experiment by gathering Etherians between the ages of 15-50, to cover the age bases of both Etherian teens and adults, hybrid offspring, and Horde descendants. After age 14, correct absolute judgments and relative judgments have better succession rates and are not as affected by false positives. With this in mind, Odessa sends out a mass message asking if anyone would like to be part of a study.

She receives her answers quickly from her uncles, who would be more than delighted to aid her in any quest. She splits them into four groups, Group A, B, C and D. To accommodate for the choice in subjects, they will be separated into three sections, Etherians being the first, hybrids the second, and her uncles will be the third subsect. Over the course of the week, she receives the rest of her subjects at Beast Island.

Tristan and Hydrangea are the first to arrive, looking forward to spending time with her and her family in the meantime. Hydrangea gives Emily and Imp hugs and kisses, cooing over them incessantly. Imp clings to Hydrangea’s neck, completely at ease.

Tristan pats Emily’s surface, smiling at her beeps, “It’s good to see you too.”

She beeps even louder and harder, spinning around in place.

Entrapta grins, “Aw, you made her day!”

“No one else is my favorite robot, are they, Ems?” Tristan asks. She spins again, and the whirring becomes softer, almost shy.

Odessa nudges his ribs, “Great, my sister has a crush on you.”

Tristan rolls his eyes, smiling.

Odessa peers at his face, “Hey, you shaved!”

“Yeah, you were right. It was horrible,” Tristan remarks.

“You look better this way,” Odessa affirms, pinching his cheek, and he lightly whacks her fingers away.

Scorpia comes a moment later, and immediately bolts over to them all. Once the hugs are done, Scorpia and Entrapta discuss things on their own. Entrapta settles into the crook of Hordak’s arm, resting easily over her shoulders. Scorpia gushes over how cute they are. Hordak humphs in disdain, despite the blush on his cheeks.

Another five minutes pass and the portal hums. Catra, Adora, and two of their children come through.

Odessa sighs. Not looking forward to having some of them here. But she smiles, walking to Adora, “Hi! Thanks for coming.”

Adora smiles, giving Odessa a warm hug. She pulls back, holding her at arm’s length, “It’s no problem. We’re glad to help! You’ve gotten taller.”

“You’ve definitely sprouted more than we thought. I remember when you were knee-high,” Catra says. “You were the worst ankle-biter in Etheria.”

Odessa teases, “Still am.”

Laughing, Catra pats her back, walking hand in hand with Adora to their friends.

Her smile falters after that, though she manages to keep it in place. If Catra and Adora weren’t there, she wouldn’t hide her contempt or indifference.

They have four children in total. Quadruplets in fact. All a year younger than her at 15. Two of them, Clawdeen and Marlena, tend to spend their time in Bright Moon, and she has no opinion of them other than they’re not her sort of people. Well, that’s not true. They’re surprisingly elitist and refuse to associate with anyone they find unworthy of their time. They mind their business enough, however, so Odessa doesn’t pay them attention.

Barely coming to five feet tall, Molly is one of the children here today, a skittish, timid thing; the runt of her litter. She inherited Catra’s heterochromia, one eye blue, the other green, and that’s the one interesting thing about her. She stands, unsure, by the portal. Her appearance here is odd, since she tends to be alone. Odessa doesn’t hate her, or even dislike her, but the girl’s meekness doesn’t make her striking enough to have an opinion on either.

Adam, their one son, is another story. His eyes are bright blue, and slightly jarring in the feline face. The opposite of Molly, he is loud, prone to temper tantrums, and his temerity leaves much to be desired. She prefers the company of confident, open people, but he’s, without a doubt, the most obnoxious fucker she’s ever had the misfortune of knowing.

His eyes, the only one to resemble Adora’s, land on hers, and he leaps over, grinning. Placing an arm on her shoulder, leaning, he says, “Yooooo, what’s up, girl?”

Odessa turns to him, narrowing her eyes, “Please don’t take my smile for welcome, you complete ass.”

“Ooh, baby, you need to chill,” Adam says, poking her nose.

“Try that one more time and I’ll bite it off.”

He winks, “That a promise, thottie from space?”

Odessa smiles wider, eyes flashing, “It’s a threat, you parasitic fool.”

Sensing her growing irritation, her friends bound over. Hydrangea waves at Adam, “Hey! We haven’t seen you in a long time. How’ve you been?”

Adam turns to her, “Hey, Dragon Fruit! You know how I be—taking care of all this,” Adam gestures to his thin body, puffing out his chest. “What you been up to lately? Those flower braids are doing everything for your look.”

Hydrangea urges him to walk far, far, far, far away from Odessa’s area.

Rubbing her temples, Odessa takes a breath.

Tristan rubs her back, “Remember, Des: think of the experiment.”

Odessa nods at him. Science. Her one true refuge. “I know. It’s a little… irritating that he’s here. But I’m sure that empty-headed dolt will yield some results for me.”

Tristan smiles at her, ensuring she doesn’t lose her cool. Once he’s sure she won’t murder, he looks at Molly, “Hi! I didn’t think I’d see you here.”

Molly brushes hair away, looking briefly at the ground before addressing him. “Yeah… Um, my moms thought it would be cool to take one or two of us. To help Odessa out.”

Odessa shakes her head, “So glad about that.”

“Um… I’m sorry about Adam...” Molly starts.

“It’s fine,” Odessa replies, focusing back on her clipboard, walking away.

Sighing, Molly bites her lower lip, feeling uneasy.

Noticing that, Tristan smiles at Molly, “Come on. We can wait over here.”

“Sorry you’re stuck with me,” she mumbles.

“I’m not stuck with you,” Tristan answers. He leads her to an unoccupied stone ledge, the occasional pooka darting across it. “Though, I didn’t think this was your sort of thing.”

“It isn’t. I don’t really want to be here,” Molly answers, pulling her legs to her chest.

“It might be fun, right?” Tristan asks.

Shrugging, Molly places her chin onto her hands.

They both watch the portal light up, a plethora of clones marching through. It has to pause for a brief moment, then it continues to spew individuals out of it. Tristan glances down at Molly, knowing there’s no point in attempting to converse. The silence doesn’t bother him, and she seems to take more comfort out of not having to make dreadful small talk. He hates it too, so this works.

Eon and his parents eventually pass through. Waving at him, Tristan reclines in his seat, “You and your folks actually came. I didn’t think any of you left the house.”

Standing with his arms behind his back, at ease, Eon smirks, “You’re all lucky we don’t come out more often.”

Tristan sticks his tongue out at him. He gestures to his left, “You remember Molly?”

Eon looks down at her, “Yes, we have met before. Nice to see you again.”

Molly flushes, turning away, “Nice to see you too…”

He glances at Tristan, who gives a one-shoulder shrug.

She keeps quiet, looking at the people around her. Hordak and his brothers all stand out as one unit, and other cousins similar to Eon slowly arrive. Not as large in number, with more variation than Hordak’s species but less than natives. She watches Etherians coming forth as well, and doesn’t wave or acknowledge them. Hoping to blend with the background, she scoots further away, sinking behind Tristan.

Tristan notes her discomfort and doesn’t move.

Eon, however, waves at some relatives, who rush over to greet him.

Molly frowns, accepting her fate. She takes to watching Eon speak with his family, his tall, sleek body impressive even among those similar to him in build. His hair, cropped shorter at the sides, falls in front of his forehead, a darker hue than his cousin Odessa. His eyes are a lovely shade, bordering on magenta with a stronger red tint, the sclera an equally pretty color, lighter than his irises. His usual confident smirk remains on his face throughout, bright, sharp teeth against the usual backdrop of pale face with the sides of his cheekbones and neck becoming a shock of dark blue or purple. It seems to be a common male trait, since Odessa’s face is white all around, but she isn’t sure. She doesn’t see the other cousins close enough to tell.

She spies Odessa wandering with her device, either barking orders or quietly checking off things. Long, lilac hair floats behind her when not in use, her frame just as slim and tight as the others, and inheriting a tall height seems to be the norm for them. Despite her gorgeous features, Molly finds it interesting, also intimidating, how much redder Odessa’s eyes and sclera are compared to Eon’s.

Hydrangea is speaking with Odessa now, platinum blonde hair brushing against her body, falling in the softest of waves to the small of her back. Her lithe frame befits the gentler, kinder nature she has, which isn’t surprising considering who her parents are. But there’s that powerful change in limb, her arms spiking at the shoulder in dark red, the skin of her arms mottled with it, until it reaches her elbows, where it spikes again, hardens, forming another patch of chitinous skin that reaches her fingertips, claws neatly filed down. And then there’s the tail, shorter, but as potent as Scorpia’s. Deadly and graceful.

She looks up at Tristan, beautiful, brown eyes staring off to the distance. Long lashes frame them, delicate yet full. His hands rest lightly over his knees, fingernails painted black. Hair reaching the end of his neck, lightly touching muscular shoulders, it enriches brown skin with its color, more than a mere dark purple. It’s the color of wine in the dark, of a gorgeous night as the last remnants of light dash away. The blue of his clothes highlight everything further, lavish gold trim clashing against the bright colors, revealing every taut muscle without meaning to, and she traces the curve of his spine with her eyes.

She feels a gaze on her, and finds her brother staring at her from a distance. Molly, snapping from her reverie, darts her sight to the ground. Unaware of Tristan looking in her direction.

Once enough participants have arrived, Odessa claps her hands, “Alright, people! Listen up: I have divided you all into the following groups. Step up this way, where I will assign you all with a place to go to.”

Adam bounds up out of nowhere, whispering, “Can whatever group I’m in be called Team Sexy?”

Odessa ignores him, “Let’s begin, shall we?”

                                                               -

                                                    HYDRANGEA

                                                        Age: 15

                                                Species: Etherian

“Alright,” Odessa says. “I’m going to show you 10 pictures. You will have seven seconds to absorb all the details for them, and afterward, I will ask you one simple question about what you can remember.”

“You got it!” Hydrangea sits in her chair, comfortable. “Sounds easy enough.”

Odessa smiles, “Here’s your first one.”

She holds up a simple image of table mats atop a wooden surface, decorated with plates of breakfast foods, drinks, and fresh fruits.

“Okay, ready for the question?”

“Yep!”

“What fruits topped the waffles?”

“Oh, um… berries and apples?”

Writing it down, Odessa proceeds with the next image.

                                                      TRISTAN

                                                       Age: 17

                                               Species: Etherian

“Hello!” Entrapta says, bringing him in. “I’m going to show you 10 pictures for less than 10 seconds each, and you’ll let me know what you remember.”

“Sure thing,” Tristan replies, sitting upright.

She pulls out an image of miscellaneous items and personal effects on a desk, three photographs in the middle, a drawing in one of the corners, a grey notebook, and a folder with intricate patterns.

“Okay, ready for the question?”

“Yes.”

“Were there tickets on the table?”

Tristan mulls his answers for a moment, “No.”

                                                        MOLLY

                                                        Age: 15

                                                Species: Etherian

Odessa approaches the girl, relieved that she doesn’t have to deal with the handful that was her brother. She looks at Molly, “I’m going to hold up 10 pictures for you, and you will have seven seconds to absorb the image. Afterward, I will ask you questions.”

“Alright,” Molly nods, nails clicking against each other.

The image is of a mountain peak, glinting from the light; the moon shines above it, and a trip of hoofed animals moving along its surface.

“What was the total number of baby goats in the image?”

Molly thinks over the total, and says, “Five.”

ADAM

Age: 15

Species: Etherian

Entrapta comes into the room, “Hello! I’m going to be showing you some pictures—”

Adam interrupts her, “Is this going to take long?”

“Nope! It takes less than five minutes for this segment to be complet—”

“Do we get paid to do this?”

“...No.”

Scratching his nose, Adam leans back in his chair, “Got it, got it. Lay it on me, girl!”

Entrapta smiles, “Great! So, I have 10 pictures and I will show them to you for about seven seconds. I will ask you questions after each one about what you saw.”

“Question real quick: is this one of those tests that explain anything about your psychosis?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is it gonna tell me anything, like, am I gonna learn about who is the most likely to be a murderer or nymphomaniac?”

Raising a brow at him, Entrapta says, “I can’t divulge too much about the study to participants. But this is not that kind of test.”

“Aw… okay,” Adam shifts back further in his seat, lifting the front legs from the ground. “Well, that’s less fun.”

Entrapta proceeds to bring out a picture: a series of potted plants are lined on shelves, different heights and colors smashed closely together in the frame, their pots not resembling the others save for a few.

“What was the centre motif for the pots?”

Adam scratches his chin, “Frog, I think.”

                                                         EON

                                                       Age: 18

                                          Species: Etherian and ?

Odessa approaches her cousin, sitting relaxed in the seat. She had gone through the first ten pictures with him already. She glances at him, “Are you ready to continue with the process?”

“Whatever this study is, I’m assuming that you need me to come back again for another trial run.”

“Yes, you will be returning a few times after today to aid in the study, as per your agreement on the written form.”

“Of course.”

“You went through the first half, and you’re going to begin the second half now. This is slightly different,” Odessa explains. Instead of photographs, she holds up a pad, similar in size and weight to her telecommunicator. “I am going to hold up one image: a grid of white and black squares. Then, I will show you a second image, of the same number of squares on the grid; however, you will choose the one square you believe was white in both image one and image two. Image three will have the grids with numbers in the squares instead for you to pick. The amount of time will be the same, seven seconds. There are four levels of difficulty, and you will proceed until we reach the last level.”

Nodding, Eon watches her lift the screen to his eyes. A grid of white and black appears, and he keeps in mind which are white only. The second image appears. Then the third. He makes his decision. He will not know if he is right, as the data is processed within for the researchers alone.

Odessa keeps her face neutral the entire time, intrigued at what this part of the test will yield from everyone else.

                                                          TALON

        Age: approx. 90 (total) | approx. 52 (mental) | approx. 52 (physiological)

                                                        Species: ?

Entrapta smiles, “We do appreciate you helping with the test.”

“It is no trouble,” Talon states. “You and my niece are a select few that do not leave me…”

“Irritated?”

“We’ll use that word.”

Entrapta approaches her brother-in-law, setting herself down on swathes of hair, “Are you ready for the second half of the test?”

“Yes. By all means, little sister, proceed.”

“Excellent! I’m going to show you a grid with black and white squares. Another image will appear after on the device. The number of squares will not change, however, you have to decide what is the one square that remained white. You will pick that in the third image, where the squares will all be numbered.”

“Understood. You may show me the first image.”

                                                            W.H.

        Age: approx. 40 (total) | approx. 23 (mental) | approx. 27 (physiological)

                                                       Species: ?

“This must be exciting for you, isn’t it?” W.H. asks. “You haven’t done a study like this in a while.”

Readying the pad, she nods, “It has been a few years since I’ve conducted anything in this manner.”

“I still remember when you were little, and you insisted on having your first experiment be a methane explosion. You were so cute!”

Odessa smiles, “Speaking of memory, we’re going to begin the second half of the test. You will have the same amount of time to memorize the image on screen. Another will follow right after, and your task is to choose which square on the grid remained white. The image will be your selection on a numbered grid.”

“Sounds fun!”

Holding it up for him, Odessa watches his eyes stay in place, focused. A flicker to indicate change on the screen, then another before he makes his decision.

                                                        HORDAK

        Age: approx. 56 (total) | approx. 57 (mental) | approx. 35 (physiological)

                                                        Species: ?

Entrapta can’t help but smile at him, “Thanks for helping, Lab Partner!”

Hordak smiles back, rising from the chair, “Of course. The experiment seems to be going well.”

“It’s been so fascinating!” Entrapta lifts herself up in the air, at his height. “Everyone has been super helpful, even when they’re rambling about their own assumptions!”

“Who was rambling?”

“One of Catra’s kids—the boy. He was very interesting when he talked, but I had to stay focused! We’re collecting so much data… Odessa is going to be ecstatic!”

Happy to see her in good spirits, Hordak leans forward, kissing her cheek, “When you’re done, I will be waiting for you in our room.”

Entrapta waggles her eyebrows at him, wrapping her arms around his neck, “Ooh! Is this about that new maneuver you wanted to show me?”

“We’ll see if your memory serves you just as well tonight,” Hordak smirks.

Squealing, Entrapta kicks her legs behind her, pecking his mouth with her own. “Can’t wait!”

                                                               -

The results, overall, took two months to compile through the data machine and to check back in with the participants. None of the groups had different numbers, pictures, objects, or words. Odessa and Entrapta tested everyone on their eidetic and photographic memory ability. Group A had no distractions, Group B had Etherians with distractions only, Group C was where her cousins had the disturbances, and Group D it was her uncles with diversions.

When it came to eidetic memory, the numbers didn’t vary too much. But the photographic memory yielded noteworthy results. Each group was brought back a month after being tested to see if they could recall things better. A few Etherians showed some promising ability for it, but overall it wasn’t strong. Her cousins showed stronger signs for photographic memory, Eon being one of the best candidates.

But her uncles were nearly at a 97% rate of accuracy. Talon and W.H. showed an adeptness for remembering things weeks later. Hordak was somewhere in the middle. She wonders why.

“Mom,” she says, holding the charts in her hair. “I know that photographic memory is rare, but these numbers are unreal.”

“I know! The majority of your relatives have a knack for it! That’s so fascinating.”

“I have a theory that it might be due to the hivemind, and perhaps the military training they underwent. It would make sense why they have such capability, even two decades later,” Odessa says. She pulls another chart toward them, tapping her forefinger in quick successions behind it. “It may or may not be that, since we’re not certain of Dad’s origins, but it would explain aspects of it.”

Entrapta’s hair moves her behind her daughter, peering over her shoulder, “It may. I saw that Wrong Hordak was remarkable with photographic memory, and Talon as well.”

“I believe it’s possible that it might be due to neither having depressive episodes. It may have been a group study, but I saw that clones similar to Dad in terms of mental health had a tendency toward memory loss or confusion. It’s not as often or strong as Etherians, or a couple of my cousins, but it’s there. Brains are brains after all.”

“It is exceptional to write this in our records. I wish we had more examples to go by,” Entrapta says. She smiles, “I think it says quite a lot when you compare it to Etherians and your cousins, though.”

“I do find this riveting. Even if it’s Dad cloned thousands of times, there’s something in their brains, their minds, that can provide clues to them as a whole. It’d be prudent to conduct more research, but I’d like to begin as soon as possible, and I can add notes as I go along.”

Entrapta pats her daughter’s head, “And now that you have this information, what do you intend to do with it?”

Odessa looks up at her mother, then back at the data. “I’m going to have Tris and Gea come with me on a little field trip.”

[bffhreprise]

Entry 345

 Water was running.  This sound was water.  I had never imagined water to have a sound, especially not one like what Mila played, but Jarod had assured me this really was water.  Without reading his lips, I wouldn’t have recognized the words immediately, but I would eventually… soon.  I couldn’t let Maxine feel she had beaten me.

 A new voice entered my ears, startling my eyes open.  “James, is that you?” I questioned, seeing words above displayed by Mila after I caught sight of him walking toward us.

 James’ voice had a soothing quality to it, much better than running water.  He had asked “How are things going?”

 “We’re acclimating her to hearing.  She’s getting all these sounds for the first time.” explained Maxine, watching James as easily as me.  She had developed the technology to see years ago, leaving me no time to catch up with the new tech.

 “Well, not the first, really.  Portentia could hear through the fey's visions, but she never had time to figure them all out.  She's still lip reading at this point to understand what we're saying.” corrected Jarod, though his eyes were still on me as I read what he had said.  He didn’t want me worrying about what people said around me yet, insisting I start with other sounds when we had started this.

 James’ lips turned down slightly as he said, “Ah.  Sorry.  Perhaps the concert was a bit too optimistic.”  Having him frown even a little spurred my determination even further.

 “No.  I can do this.” I assured him, knowing he wouldn’t mind me taking time while wishing I had already mastered this task.

 “Just don't overdo it.  There's no real rush.” he insisted as he studied my face.  “I merely thought this could be nice for you and wanted to give you the option.”

 Shaking my head slightly, I explained “James, I'm doing this.  Maxine can do it, so I can as well.”  There was no way I was ever going to let Maxine outdo me.  Villains must lose.

 “I'd love to see you design your own equipment.” stated Maxine, the sounds barely reaching my ears as I read what she had said.  Whispering.  The first whisper of my life came from my prisoner.

 “Let's see you beat me in a fight.” I taunted, knowing she didn’t have a chance.

 Her head snapped up to look at me in a satisfying way before she asked “Did you understand what I said!?”  The sound of her voice had changed as she spoke, growing louder and… sharper.

 For a moment, I was tempted to lie, just to remind her I had skills too, but lying to a captured enemy was beneath me.  “Look behind James.  Mila’s still helping me.” I told her, happy that she still didn’t see everything.

 “I didn't think we'd be able to fine-tune the input to her brain as quickly as we did, but Alma came down and helped us.” commented Jarod, his voice smooth and steady.  “Portentia was able to compare what she was hearing to what Alma projected into her head, and we adjusted accordingly.  She's really calmer now, isn't she?”

 “Oddly calm.  She didn't threaten me once.” agreed Maxine, her voice steady once more.  As much as I didn’t like hearing her, the difference of sound between her and the guys was notable.

 “She knows you're working with us now.” I stated, trying to pretend I didn’t mind Maxine being here.

 “Hooray for letting tyranny reign while you stop petty theft and gang wars.” she told me in a way where the sounds seemed steady, with less variation than normal.

 “You'll eventually see that we're doing far more than you currently think.  I promise you.” replied James before I even opened my mouth.

 The sound of water stopped, just as I had gotten used to it, and was replaced by something somewhat similar in a way.  “What's that?” I asked.

 “I’ll show you.” replied Mila, changing the mirror I watched into an image of a tree with wind blowing through its branches.

 After briefly viewing what I was, James turned to me, signing as he said, “Good luck.  Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.”

 I smiled and nodded, feeling somewhat envious of his abilities again as he easily jumped from the floor clear up to the lift in one enormous leap.  With strength like his, I could do even more good in the city.

,,,^._.^,,,

 After jogging into the garage, I stared down the lift to see my daddy reaching the bottom.  Before I could react, he was at the top.  “Daddy!” I exclaimed as I stepped away from the open lift.  “Mila told me you were down there.  Are you busy?”

 Shaking his head and smiling at me, he said, “Never too busy for you.  What's on your mind?”

 “Mila's taking me to the Intergalactic House of Awesome Sauce soon, and I wanted to know if you would ride along.” I explained, watching him hopefully.

 “Sure.  Let's go.” he told me, his smile broadening.

 “Mom’s busy.  She's on a con-... um… group call, so I just told her I was heading out.  I didn't know she worked.” I explained as I followed him out of the garage.

 He laughed and said, “Before our honeymoon, all she did was work.  She's missed it, though her perspective on it has changed a bit.  She'll gladly come along too if you ask.”

 “Nah.  That's okay.” I assured him, not wanting to tear Mom away from something she enjoyed.  Realizing the limo wasn’t waiting for us, I stared at the silver vehicle before us before asking “What's this?”

 “A remake of my first car.  You'll find a few more features than in the limousine, though there aren't refreshments.” he told me as he stepped through the open door.

 I nodded, walked around, and hopped inside, taking a better look at the interior.  “Sure is tiny in here.”

 “You've seen smaller vehicles.” he reminded me.

 “Yeah, but they flew.” I told him, wondering again how the people of this planet got anything done.

 He focused on me for a moment, casting a complicated spell that made my features look human.  Then he said, “I know, but you can visit your friends as often as you like.  Life isn't so bad here, is it?”

 Fighting a sudden impulse to blurt out everything on my mind, I took the time to sort my thoughts and think over his question.  Outside of home, the technology was practically stoneaged, but inside of the house was perfectly livable.  Mila made all of the difference, far surpassing even what I had seen on the most advanced planets I had visited with my parents.  Doing my best to put my thoughts into English, I said, “I like it here.  Everyone’s friendly, and my band is going to be amazing!  I'm not… umm…”  Frustratingly, I couldn’t think of the right words.  They were there, just waiting for me to remember, but...

 “Cheat.” ordered Daddy, smiling at me.  “Mom's not around to know.”

 I was certain that she’d know, but she wouldn’t say anything.  Grinning in relief, I said, “Accustomed to this world!  The technology is quaint!  I'm amazed Marco makes such incredible food using that weird kitchen.  How does he know when to remove the implements from the heat?  What are those things he sprinkles?  How does Emma change the size of the uncooked stuff with a touch!?”  Everything came out in a rush, but I knew I was slow compared with him.

 “Emma can control vegetation, even if it's been dead for years.  She was born with the ability, so I can't teach you to do it as she does.  As for the cooking, Marco was a traveler of this world for years and learned various ways to cook wherever he went.  You should try it.  Cooking here isn't as expedient as some other planets, but many find the process enjoyable.” he suggested encouragingly.

 Switching topics a little, I asked something that concerned me.  “Do you think everyone likes me?  I mean really likes me?”  I stared into his eyes, hoping to catch him slip for once, but his steady gaze held no answers.  “I know they feel happy when we're playing around, but… what if they're just happy about something else and I'm misinterpreting something?”

 “Dani, you're adored.” he assured me, smiling softly.

 “Not like you.” I argued, knowing I couldn’t really compete with Daddy for being loved.  “Even people you've bullied like you.”

 He frowned at me as he said, “I try not to bully anyone.”

 “I know.  You help people, but even my friends know your reputation.  Businesses have collapsed when they've caused you to frown.” I reminded him as memories of the countless stories came to mind.

 “I don't know that things have been that extreme recently.” he claimed.  “I simply cannot make everyone happy.”

 “What's ‘recent’ when you're a time traveler?” I argued, smirking at him.

 He rolled his eyes.  “Fair point, but you know what I mean.  Are you happy?”

 Smiling, I nodded and said, “Of course!  I'm with you and Mom.”

 He reached over and hugged me, since Mila was doing the actual driving.  “I don't want you to feel you're missing out.  We can always go traveling for a bit when you need to escape.” he insisted, his incredibly strong arms imprisoning me in their warmth.

 “Daddy, I'm fine!” I assured him, not wanting him to get the wrong idea just because I enjoyed hugs.  “Mila's perfectly capable of helping me study and reminding me of what's out there.  Don't worry.”  In fact, Mila was still teaching me about new worlds regularly.

 His expression grew serious as he said, “And you better still be fine when you're done visiting your friends.  If I find it that you've caused unnecessary trouble, I'll… umm…”  He hesitated, as if trying to come up with an appropriate punishment.

 “Be grateful I'm fine and hug me till you're certain!” I exclaimed, knowing he was teasing.  If something serious were to happen, he’d be there to help no matter what was foolish enough to step in his path.

 “Probably.” he agreed immediately, though I knew he agreed completely.

 The drive took a crazy amount of time, since we were confined to “roads”.  We did arrive eventually, after a great deal of chatting about places we had seen and where my friends might want to go with me this time.

 “No.  No, you don’t!” I exclaimed as Daddy’s door opened.

 He looked at me, seeming confused.

 “You know why!  My friends get distracted for hours every time they see you, wanting to talk about nothing else!” I insisted emphatically, knowing I was understating things.

 His hand was out, touching something I couldn’t see, probably the spell on me, but he nodded, giving my shoulder one last squeeze.  Soon, I’d be out flying ships, watching shows, or shopping for countless clothes I’d never get to wear on Earth.  Spending enough money that Daddy would care would require buying populated planets, so the doors to the universe were wide open.

[muthaz-rapapa]

StarPre Ep 29: Planet Saaman, the Frontier (??)

Alternatively,  “YEARSH, MOAR LALA!!”

Sooooo many things to discuss about this episode (yay!) as I expected as much with going back to Lala’s homeland.

Therefore, I should go through everything efficiently (ahahaha~). 

*cracks knuckles* Let’s begin!

1) Saaman, a world ruled by AI + Lala, the anomaly

I believe by now, most of us have consumed enough media to understand that a utopia run completely by a computer is NOT the ideal world it paints itself to be.

While there are certain perks in efficiency, the lack of freedom, authenticity and most importantly, the limit on a person’s individuality and true potential (among many other things) are so alarmingly concerning that such a reality is not worth it.

However, Saaman is just that. Its citizens not only thrive on their reliance of the AI, they are also super (!!) content with a machine deciding every single aspect of how they live.

Which suggests that Saaman’s current social infrastructure and foundation must have lasted quite long already (probably centuries) for the entire population to rarely, if ever, question the decisions that AI “Mother” made for them.

Save for one. Our lovely Lala-chan.

I mean, can you blame her for not going along with the norm like her family and fellow Saamanians do? 

AI Mother’s evaluation of her determined that she was most suited to investigate garbage.

After everything we’ve seen her done, how much she’s experienced and grown on this journey, of course, she can never be satisfied with that!

Lala deserves SO👏MUCH👏 FRIGGIN’👏MORE👏 (give her the galaxy!) than to sit hours upon hours sorting through junk!

Unfortunately, given the longstanding situation and culture of her planet (again, a reminder that the people of Saaman have no problem with this lifestyle), it would be incredibly difficult for anyone to actually voice their opinions of disagreement with Mother’s decisions.

Especially Lala, whose parents are big shots in Saaman and older brother is the poster child/epitome of Saamanian values.

When the majority of your family is so ensconced in societal conventions, it’s not surprising that they would push the “lesser” relative to be more like “everybody else”.

Please don’t make the mistake that this means they don’t love and care about Lala because it doesn’t. It’s so obvious that they worry for her and only want the best for her.

BUT! It’s also obvious that they don’t really know Lala nor can they be considered close to her (she calls her parents by their given names instead of simply “Mom” or “Dad”, for stars’ sake!). 

Lala’s family doesn’t understand her or her unhappiness with her assigned role on Saaman. They’re so content with their own jobs that they fail to see anyone else can feel differently about theirs. So the only solution they can think of to “help” Lala is to push her further into it, believing that eventually she’ll become content.

It’s something that happens to a lot of people and perhaps the reason why Lala left Saaman in the first place. She couldn’t exactly rebel so she ran away from the pressure on her spaceship. Maybe she didn’t intend to be away for an extended period of time but still, she left hoping to search for something that Saaman could not, would not, give her.

Then she fatefully bumped into Prunce and Fuwa running away from the Notrayders, met Hikaru, became Precure and the rest was history (or rather, destiny~).

At least, that’s how I see it.

2) Madoka relates

Y’know, at first, I thought Madoka empathizing with Lala’s discomfort was based on their similar upbringings.

Despite how close Lala and Hikaru are with each other, it’s Lala and Madoka who have the most in common out of all the other members of their team and I’ve been waiting for the writers to touch on that for some time now.

From birth or early childhood at the very least, everything was already decided for them. What they will be when they grow up, what their routines will be every single day, what expectations they’re supposed to fulfill, etc. 

It’s a suffocating position that doesn’t leave a lot of room for argument and what shaped these two girls into having very detrimental perfectionist outlooks before that changed after meeting Hikaru and becoming Precure.

And now that Lala finds herself under stucky circumstances with her family, unable to enjoy the same openness with them as she does with her friends, I thought Madoka was going to try to encourage Lala not to let that get to her. She’s going through the same thing with her own father, after all, so if anyone can tell Lala’s going through a hard time, it’d be Madoka.

But turns out, that’s not quite the case here as the issue lies with them keeping their Precure identities and duties secret from their families instead.

Which is fine because at least Lala still has someone who can understand her on that.

Anyways, it’s a problem because being the upstanding, honest and serious types they are (majimeko) and both coming from families with high reputations, it’s really difficult for Lala and Madoka to not tell the people who are important to them about another part of their lives that is very important to them.

For Madoka, she feels that she’s betraying her father by hiding the fact that her friends, the very first and truest friends she’s ever made, are either aliens or helping the aliens avoid being caught.

For Lala, she’s torn between her duties as a Saamanian and wanting the acknowledgement of her family and community against the desire the protect her friends from the consequences of acting on the former.

And they are right when they suspect things would probably be worst off if they were to reveal that they are Precure.

Sure, they can probably expect to receive some more substantial support from the officials of their home planet (more from the Starscape Alliance than Earth’s government, sorry Madoka)...but at what cost?

The Star team can operate and travel smoothly throughout space precisely because nobody else is aware of who they really are. If they reveal their identities, there’s no doubt they will be targeted to be controlled.

Because sadly and not to get too political or anything, that’s just what governments do. They have to control the situation, they have to think about the interests of their own countries and more often than not, they extremely suck at it and turn everything into a huge mess (and this is just massively simplifying the general for length).

If they let other people get involved, the team’s balance and even their friendship will likely absolutely be affected and strained because no way will the universe at large care about a bunch of girls getting along as much as they do about using them for its own needs.

Which I’ll get more into on Point #3 below.

But for certain, that’s one of the reasons why Lala and Madoka are unable to tell their families about being Precure.

Yes, it makes them very uncomfortable to keep this huge secret...a secret.

But at the same time, it feels even more wrong to expose it because once that happens, nothing will be the same. Nothing can stay the same.

Even if they avoid all the worse case scenarios, the ones who will definitely suffer the most will still be the girls.

Perhaps that sounds selfish because they’re putting their friends above everything else but it’s not like the Star team isn’t also doing their best to keep the villains at bay while trying to save the universe at the same time. And they’re already doing an exceptional job without anyone breathing down their necks about it.

*cough* Sorry, getting off track a bit.

Anyways, the point is, they’re following their instincts this time which is a BIG deal for people like Lala and Madoka who have tendency to lean more towards logic.

After meeting Hikaru, after letting Hikaru teach them about valuable things they didn’t know before, both Lala and Madoka learned that there is much more to the world than the structures built around them.

Sometimes, the right answer doesn’t lie in the data or the rules, cold and fair in judgement.

Sometimes, simply trusting what you feel is just more correct.

Nobody ever said doing the right thing will be easy (in fact, many times, it never is) but the heart can never lie to you after all. And it’s even more dangerous to ignore it and live through the regrets afterwards.

So which would you choose?

Going with what you feel and doing everything you can to get the best outcome? Or choosing the opposite, knowing that doing so, the best outcome becomes more impossible to achieve and you can only hope for the best of the worse?

Eh..my phrasing isn’t very good but you get what I mean, right?

Anyways, it’s just very meaningful for Madoka to be the one to say these words to Lala.

I wouldn’t say she and Lala have completed their personal journeys yet (we still have like 20 more episodes to go after all) but I do believe that this particular moment marks a very significant point in their arcs.

Having been exposed to more of the world out there beyond their own, they would never go back to being the same Lala and Madoka from the beginning.

They are still unsure about whether their choices will lead them to what they’re looking for but they both know there’s no point in looking back. They can only move forward, trusting in what they feel as right.

Which it will be and not just because this is Precure but because it will leave a very bad taste in my mouth if I wrote all that and the right doesn’t end up prevailing. :P

3) The next step...

I’ll give you a straight up “NOPE!” to that, Pops!

Apologies for letting some of my RL views seep into this post (though can you blame me when it’s been disaster after disaster out there?) but I’m positive that “joining” the Starscape Alliance (their terms, not Precure’s), no matter how well-intentioned they are, will hurt the Star team more than benefit them.

Again, cuz it will allow busybodies to unnecessarily butt into their affairs and make things harder for the girls than they already are.

Moreover...

This is just Lala’s boss being an incompetent ass-for-brains idiot but if the Starscape Alliance is anything like him or even thinks remotely like him, then the Star team coming under their control spells doom for all.

Seriously, this is another level of messed up stupid. They just got terrorized by a flamboyant tengu woman and the person he accuses of trying to steal the Princess pen is Lala?! Even though the wrecked video footage is NOT enough sufficient evidence to point her as an accomplice to Tenjou? Even though Lala’s safely holding onto the pen in the aftermath, is noticeably NOT running away with it and showing concern for her boss?

WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCKING FUCK?!?!

D:<

That said, I hope that in midst of all the chaos of next week’s episode, Lala’s family will at least refuse to believe Lala is a thief and try to find a way to talk to her to know what’s really going on.

Because if they can’t even do that and join the chase to jail their own daughter, then I have another concern to worry about and will immediately fly to Saaman, lay waste to it, take Lala home with me and file to adopt her as my own child (don’t laugh).

But seeing how Lala fought so hard, despite her awkward relationship with her family, to make sure Lolo’s efforts weren’t for nothing, I’m sure it’ll be alright.

Having both her parents and Lolo come to understand Lala would be ideal...but if not, then either one or the other. I’m banking on Lolo atm since he’s her twin but he can be the type who chooses the system over his own kin, too, so... 

The screentime we were given just wasn’t enough for me to grasp where each of Lala’s family members stand on their respective relations with her so I can only hope for the best. :/

Ooo, and also, Cancer Star Princess gets revived next week! Yay~! :D 

[oodlenoodleroodle]

https://www.npr.org/transcripts/530726335?storyId=530726335

Yesterday I listened to this episode of NPR’s Invisibilia podcast from 2017 about emotions, and it has some things that are very relevant to conversations about trauma, and I really wanted to share it and I know people aren’t going to go listen to a random podcast episode while they are scrolling tumblr, so I’m just gonna quote from the transcript:

SPIEGEL: Lisa Feldman Barrett is a psychology professor at Northeastern University. And for a very particular kind of person - and I'm going to grant you it is a very, very particular kind of person - Lisa is kind of a rock star because she's someone who has come up with a new mind-blowing way of thinking about emotion. Which is why Hanna and I were super excited to talk to her. And she was excited to talk to us, too - kind of.

BARRETT: Other than the pieces on emotion, I'm a totally big fan [of the podcast].

(LAUGHTER)

SPIEGEL: According to Lisa Barrett, the show that you are listening to right now, INVISIBILIA, has consistently portrayed emotion and how emotions work incorrectly. But in our defense, the reason why we've been wrong, at least according to Lisa, is because the whole culture is wrong. We think wrong about emotions, where they come from and how they work because the way that we experience the world makes it very, very hard to think right about them.

BARRETT: How I would describe what's actually happening will not make sense to people, right? It will seem really counter-intuitive to people.

SPIEGEL: So let's begin the catalogue of wrongness with this, what Lisa says is the very first thing we are taught about emotions that is wrong.

BARRETT: Emotions are built into your brain at birth.

SPIEGEL: We've been told this over and over again, that we are wired to feel X or that evolution has wired us to feel Y because our forbearers on the African savannah had to survive, needed to respond instantly and appropriately to big bad lions and hungry tigers.

BARRETT: So there's a stimulus...

SPIEGEL: Roar!

BARRETT: ...Which triggers a circuit inside you...

SPIEGEL: Holy...!

BARRETT: ...Which causes a bodily response in you...

SPIEGEL: (Gasps).

BARRETT: ...Which then causes you to behave in a particular way.

SPIEGEL: Run!

BARRETT: You know, they're not exactly seen as reflexes, but they're as close to reflexes as you might get. If the stimulus is there, the response is obligatory. That's the view. It's an automatic reaction to the world.

SPIEGEL: Now, according to this view, you can choose how you respond to the emotion that's been triggered. You can suppress it, reframe it, make a photo collage about it. But the initial emotion itself, that is universally programmed. There is nothing you can do.

BARRETT: It just seems absolutely preposterous that an emotion could be anything other than a reaction because in a moment where someone bursts into your house with a gun, there is very little that doesn't seem like a reaction. You know, it's such a strong feeling. It feels like you've been hijacked.

ROSIN: And to me anyway, there is something profound and hopeful in this way of thinking.

SPIEGEL: It's such a beautiful and connecting idea that we all share emotions. I mean, it's the kind of idea if you cut us, we bleed. If our children die, we cry.

ROSIN: That is literally the Coke ad, right? It's the Coke ad which takes you around the world and everybody smiles.

(Singing) I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love.

SPIEGEL: We all smile when we're happy and so know the meaning of a smile when we see it in the face of someone else. Even if their skin is a different color or their culture feels strange, we know what they feel. Emotion is our universal language.

(Singing) I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.

SPIEGEL: But this - apparently - is not what 25 years of studying emotion has taught Lisa. Basically you're saying, not so much?

BARRETT: For every emotion category that we have in the U.S. that we think is biologically basic and universal, there's at least one culture in the world that doesn't really possess a concept for that emotion and where people don't really feel that emotion.

SPIEGEL: Fear, sadness, anger, surprise, disgust, happiness - for Lisa, there is nothing inevitable about these emotions or any emotions, including the emotion of despair.

SPIEGEL: How many emotions do you feel in a day? Recently, I found myself wondering. This morning, I woke up insecure about my worth. But by the time I got to the shower, which is about 10 feet away from where I sleep, there had been a subtle shift. I was cycling between regretful and angry.

Later at the coffee store, some music on the speakers above my head during my walk out helped me feel determined. I was energized and ready to take on the world. If I had a square jaw, it would have been set. All day long, these emotions wash over me, hundreds of them - thousands of them? I've never counted but I always seem to be feeling them.

BARRETT: Yes, they're seen as happening to you - right? - not something that you yourself make.

SPIEGEL: But that's not how Lisa sees it. Lisa is one of the most respected researchers in psychology right now, lead editor on an enormous tome on emotion. And her latest book, "How Emotions Are Made," is an attempt to synthesize emotion research from a variety of fields - neuroscience, biology, anthropology.

Which makes it hard to summarize in a pithy way, but if I had to boil it down, here's how I'd do it. The way emotion works is the opposite of what you think. Emotions aren't reactions to the world. Emotions actually construct the world.

I know, at first, it didn't make any sense to me, either. So let's start this explanation where science stories usually start these days, with the 3 pounds of meat between your ears and the very difficult job it must do all day long.

BARRETT: The reason why we have a brain is because we have to control the systems in our body. We have a tremendous number of systems.

SPIEGEL: You mostly aren't aware of all of the systems in your body that your brain is regulating.

BARRETT: Systems for glucose. We have systems for salt, systems for oxygen.

SPIEGEL: But if your brain decided to take a day off, kick back, go to the beach, you would definitely notice because you'd be dead.

BARRETT: A circulatory system.

SPIEGEL: So many systems, and all of them need to be managed perfectly in order for you to do anything - any single thing.

BARRETT: So, for example, your brain starts to change your blood pressure before you stand up because, you know, it has to make sure that blood gets to the brain with oxygen, otherwise you'll faint.

SPIEGEL: Which brings us to the obligatory fancy science word that I spent three weeks trying to pronounce correctly - interoception. Interoception?

BARRETT: Interoception is just your feeling of the sensations that come from the movements inside your body.

SPIEGEL: The easiest way to think about interoception is that it's the thing that senses the status of all these internal systems, monitors all the comings and goings. I think of it like an eye but inside your body, turned so it's looking at you.

In the same way that your eye takes in the world and then communicates what's going on to your brain, the interoception thingy surveys your body and then communicates what's going on with all these systems to your brain, only it doesn't do as thorough a job as your eye – for good reason.

BARRETT: You don't feel these sensations in very high fidelity in the way that you see things in the world with a lot of detail. And you can hear things often with a lot of detail, but you don't feel things from the inside of your body with a lot of detail because if you did, you would never pay attention to anything else in the world ever.

SPIEGEL: So your internal eye keeps things super stupid simple.

BARRETT: So the way your brain is wired is to feel interoceptive sensations - the sensations from our bodies - as simple feelings of pleasantness, unpleasantness, arousal, calmness.

SPIEGEL: That is literally all your internal eye can communicate, those four sensations.

BARRETT: Pleasantness, unpleasantness, arousal, calmness.

SPIEGEL: But all day long, it's sending your brain status updates like a teenager on Snapchat, only worse.

BARRETT: Pleasantness, unpleasantness, arousal, unpleasantness, calmness.

SPIEGEL: Feel sympathy for a moment for your brain. There it is, trapped in the dark, silent box of your skull. It's getting these updates about these important sensations in the body, but it doesn't know for certain what's causing them. That unpleasant loop in the stomach just then, was that because the body was hungry or because the man who just sat down across the table is insanely good looking?

BARRETT: Arousal, calmness.

How does it know what caused something when all it has are the effects of that thing? The answer is it has past experience, so it's guessing.

SPIEGEL: Whatever sensation you have in your body, the brain develops a theory - actually a whole bunch of theories - based on previous experience and then uses them to make a prediction about what is going on.

BARRETT: When you have an ache in your body, it asks the question essentially, you know, in this situation, in this context, the last time this happened, what was the cause of that ache? And that's really what concepts are. Concepts are your brain's using past experience in order to make sense of incoming sensory input.

SPIEGEL: OK. Let's pause on concepts because we need to talk about them and the role they play in how you feel. Your culture has a ton of emotional concepts. When you were little, a toddler, you learn them from your parents. You went to the park, and your mom and dad carefully explained to you that that feeling that you had when that two-bit kid in the red sneakers shoved you off the swing, that was anger. Acquaint yourself with that emotion, they counseled, it will likely play a major role in your teens.

SPIEGEL: Sometimes they told you not to be afraid.

SPIEGEL: Sometimes you simply watched how they responded - the contours of sadness and the things that prompted it, the experience of joy and how it was expressed. These were likely the first emotional concepts you learned but you went on. You learned regret. You learned determination. Then in college, you got introduced to the idea of schadenfreude, which during your 20s you practiced liberally.

BARRETT: That's correct.

SPIEGEL: And these concepts, these emotional concepts, they are the things that shape the raw sensations from your interoception thingy - those raw materials of pleasant, unpleasant, aroused, calm - into the actual emotions that you experience. And without these concepts, Lisa says, you wouldn't have any of the emotions that you think of as hardwired, even sadness, even fear, even all the other things that you think of as fundamental and wired into you.

BARRETT: And it's parallel for vision. For example, if you have no concepts, you will see bright and dark. You won't see objects. You know, we know this for a fact. There are people, for example, who have corneal damage or who have cataracts at birth. And then at some point in their adult life, they have a corneal transplant or their cataracts are removed, and we would imagine from the classical view that they would just be able to see everything, but they don't.

They don't see for days and sometimes weeks. And sometimes years there are things they can't see because they don't have concepts. Their brain has no past visual experience to make meaning of the visual sensations that they receive.

SPIEGEL: So all they see is light and dark?

BARRETT: All they see is light and dark.

SPIEGEL: So if you put an apple in front of them, what would it look like?

BARRETT: They wouldn't see an apple. They wouldn't even see an object.

SPIEGEL: You're saying that emotion works the exact same way? That...

BARRETT: Yes. I'm saying that instead of having blobs of light and dark, without concepts you will feel pleasant or unpleasant. You can feel pleasure. You can feel high arousal, being worked up. You can feel low activation, but you don't really feel anger, sadness, fear, disgust or any of the other emotions that we think of as being given to us by nature.

SPIEGEL: What Lisa is saying is that our concepts make the world. And it is hard to overstate how much this changes our idea of what is actually going on when we walk down the street. The usual idea is that you are taking in the true world around you and reacting to it, this real thing that exists outside of you.

But what she's saying is that everything around you is a blob until the concepts in your head shape it into a thing, and then you respond to the thing that you just created. The concepts themselves are the key.

BARRETT: Yes.

SPIEGEL: Now, if you watch the news, it's likely you've encountered a more contained version of the idea that concepts literally shape the world you see.

SPIEGEL: We've heard a lot about troubling police shootings of young black men or George Zimmerman pulling a gun on Trayvon Martin.

SPIEGEL: And part of the way that people talk about police shootings is that sometimes police are responding not to the reality of the people in front of them but to a stereotype in their head. Stereotypes are concepts. In this case, the concept that young black men are dangerous. Critics say it's that concept that shapes what the police see and can prompt them to pull the trigger when there is no actual need.

SPIEGEL: But what Lisa is saying is that concepts like these work in all of us all of the time. They take the blobs in front of us and shape them into what we see. And they take the blobs inside us and shape them into what we feel.

BARRETT: For better or for worse, experiences are constructed. And your emotional experience is not an indication of something objective about the event. That's just not true.

ROSIN: And here is the point of all this, according to Lisa.

BARRETT: That means that you have more control over your emotions than you might imagine. The horizon of control is much broader because.

ROSIN: Because concepts are not hardwired. We can change them. Ultimately, we have control.

BARRETT: Yes.

ROSIN: And this is not just a fun science fact, a trippy nugget you heard on a podcast. That's not what this is.

SPIEGEL: Like, essentially you're saying we have way more control over and therefore responsibility for our emotions.

BARRETT: Yes.

ROSIN: Control and responsibility for our emotions. It's such a puzzle. Control is fun. Who doesn't like control? But responsibility - much less fun, much, much less fun.

SPIEGEL: So if I have post-traumatic stress disorder, say, do I have control over that?

BARRETT: Well... Well, yes.

ROSIN: [Earlier in the podcast episode we told the story of] Tommy Jarrett, the trucker, [who] was traumatized [in a bad crash where a child died]. And if you look at it the court's way, Tommy's emotions start with Michael Jones, [the child’s father], who lost control of his car. But if you look at it Lisa's way, they start much earlier with the concepts in Tommy's head. In the culture where Tommy grew up, a farm in Alabama in the 1960s...

JARRETT: “A man should be strong enough to protect people.”

ROSIN: “A man should be in control of his truck and of himself. And if something goes wrong, it's his fault.” That was the underlying concept that caused Tommy to think he was a killer. So did the PTSD come from Michael Jones, or did it come from inside Tommy?

Even bringing up a question like this, it feels like a radical thing to do because we all like to assume that if we feel something, it tells us something true about the world, something that happened to me. But Lisa isn't saying that PTSD or trauma of any kind isn't real, or that people suffering shouldn't be recognized and relieved, or that we shouldn't address the individuals and systems that harm people.

She's just saying trauma isn't cancer or diabetes, where cells in your body have gone wrong. The problem has much more to do with concepts in your head created by and based in our culture. And those aren't inevitable. Those can be changed.

Lisa identifies herself as a progressive, so she really struggled when we talked about things like PTSD. But she had to admit that yes, her theory has obvious implications for lots of things in our society, even implications she doesn't like.

BARRETT: I see the risk in what I'm saying - right? - but science is science. And we have to - I feel like it's necessary to draw people's attention to what the science has to say. And in the proper context in society, in culture, people can debate the consequences. But I think, you know, I do think that it's very dangerous to treat things as objective when they're not.

SPIEGEL: Emotions are not objective. All kinds of emotions are not objective, even the emotions you have in response to a death.

...

ROSIN: So Tommy. How do we think about Tommy, his pain and the lawsuit? Lisa wants us to acknowledge that Tommy's pain, it wasn't an automatic inevitable response. It came from the concepts in his head. So does that mean he didn't deserve to win his case? Well, Lisa's just asking us to be more honest. We can say yes, it partly came from in his own head, but we as a society still think it's fair and just that he be compensated.

BARRETT: The point is that we can acknowledge the perceptions are constructed or we can ignore it and just keep doing what we're doing anyways. I think it would be much fairer if we just acknowledged how our brains actually work.

ROSIN: Our brains rely on concepts, and concepts make our world, our culture, our systems. Which is why it's useful to know which concepts are shaping us and which ones we're passing on to each other and to our children.

ROSIN: And you know what? If we make these concepts, we can unmake them. But even if we don't choose to do that, even if we decide to build the world just exactly as we've built it down to the very last brick, there in the back of our heads when we experience something that disturbs us can hover a liberating thought - this feeling I have, it doesn't have to be this way. There is nothing inevitable about the world that is.

BARRETT: You have more control over your own experience. You become more the architect of your own experience.

ROSIN: And that's exactly what Tommy did. We met up with him 10 years after the lawsuit. He ended up getting $50,000 from the court. Half went to the lawyers. And in the end, Amanda's insurance company covered it.

These days, Tommy's feeling much better. His life is great now, he says so himself. About a year after the accident, he started driving again. Now, he has his own trucking company and a motorcycle which he and his wife ride out West when they can. About the whole awful period after the accident, he understands one thing for sure now.

JARRETT: My emotions wasn't being true to me. I had every right to be upset and be hurt and distraught. I didn't need to keep telling myself that I was a killer.

ROSIN: That emotion that the court had validated, it felt real, but it wasn't telling him anything real about the world. Tommy realized that basically because he did exactly what Lisa Feldman Barrett says people should do when they feel like a powerful emotion is controlling them. He took this construct which had been in his head since he was a kid, that as a good man and a ninja of a driver he should have been able to prevent the accident.

ROSIN: And he learned a new construct. It took him a long time, more than a year, and a lot of work. And he had help from his family and from a therapist because changing the concepts we've grown up with and absorbed all of our lives is not easy at all. But eventually, Tommy did it.

He replaced his old concept with a new one that led him to the actual truth. He was not a killer. Because when that car skidded across the median, there was nothing he could have done. The new concept? Sometimes a man is not, in fact, in control.

[ruwithmeguys]

I was asked recently: do you enjoy writing for ll as much as you do for Felicity? You write Felicity like you can hear her thoughts. But then you go and write ll’s character and you manage to keep her IN character without making her bitchy and without pulling her to bits. Do you like writing for her?

Beyond being hugely flattered – SO FLATTERED, MY GOODNESS – and mildly sceptical – I’ve never thought I was anything special in terms of writing ability but I do love keeping characters IN character whilst placing them in new situations – I can answer with complete confidence that, yes. I like writing for LL’s character.

I like knowing just how skewed her perception is. I enjoy writing that perception because in many ways, it’s incredibly indulgent. In reality, no one who wants to be loved and who wants a family should think like LL does. It’s a point of view that’s singular and therefore, interesting. But after writing for her, I truly don’t think the writers knew what to do with their creation, and she was a creation. Just because her name is LL doesn’t make her any less of a creation than Sara. Comic LL? Well, she’s married to a cop; ergo the name Lance. This cop is abusive. Her personality is also very different and she isn’t a lawyer. The writers tried very hard to make LL morally perfect but destroyed it when they realised she’d have to compromise said morals to love Oliver. So they gave her a set of standards that no one could reach and yet had her break them every time Oliver was mentioned. However instead of showing real guilt or shame or SOMETHING that would enable her some character progression, they replaced it wit superiority. It made her a selfish character who were supposed to believe is the opposite.

But you see, well written characters – characters with substance, who aren’t there for a plot purpose but as a defined personality on a show – can be selfless and still do selfish things. They can compromise their integrity and still be morally righteous. They can be good and yet see the virtue in violence.

I give thee Felicity Smoak.

Now KC did her own damage to LL in S1 – she was very determined to make her into something she wasn’t too fast because she clearly believed this show had been created to turn her into a mask wielding superhero who’s better than everyone. But the writers are the main problem – them and the exec’s at CW who threw an actress at the show because she had a contract with them. She was SO not right for the character, but they didn’t care. She’d starred in Supernatural so her name had merit.

(just a hypothetical: if Emily had been cast as LL, would she have possessed the skill to portray the character in a way that could make us like her? I think so, though the writers made this obscenely hard with their contradictory writing. Most would have a lot of difficulty. Still, I’m almost certain that if she HAD been, Oliver would have married the BC: a BC a foot shorter with pretty blue eyes… you know like in the comics *eye roll* Her COMIC BOOK fans ignore even the comic book details.)

ANYWAY!

It’s kind of fascinating really: I made sure to watch the episodes and ingest everything about the characters I write. I don’t always do this and it’s been a while so it’s time for a re-watch (any excuse really) but a few things became incredibly clear once I started. I have a few of Felicity’s habits: I talk to myself in tangents of weirdness and get flustered/blush super easily. I’m not a genius by any definition (mostly I'm a gigantic dumbass) but I wear glasses with my hair in a ponytail and I’m not generally the first person seen in a crowded room so to speak, plus I overthink/second guess everything I say. Like Oliver, I blame myself for everything and worry too much. I’m more solitary than most. I want to save everyone but have no idea how to. I love deeply.

I don’t love easily.

I’m not like Olicity. But when I write, I sort of become them. Or I attempt to. I feel my way through each scene and it becomes quite personal, which would explain the sentence breaks where I intermingle thought and movement with descriptions and speech.

Then I started writing for ll… now, I like to remain unbiased when I analyse a character. I don’t like ll. I don’t appreciate the way she was written in any season – I’m referring to E1 LL, E2 I’ll talk about later – nor did I enjoy KC’s horrific portrayal. It’s no secret, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be fair to her character.

I came up with three literary explanations of her character and this is one of them: the medium between the other two, from ll's point of view (please remember I am at work and therefore cannot write as well as I would like) -

She’s ordinary. Totally ordinary. A normal person who lives, works, eats, sleeps. We can empathise.

She’s part of a nuclear family and she knows her family loves her. She loves them. They’re not a perfect family but they are a good one.

She has an over exaggerated sense of how attractive and intelligent she is, exacerbated by how many people have told her that she’s smart and beautiful. She knows because she’s been told: she’s never questioned her looks or her intelligence and it’s the start of all the bad really. It was reinforced by becoming friends with the two richest kids in the city.

So she’s never had a reason to doubt herself. Not ever. There’s nothing in the world that ever could.

As for how this affects the story:

Through illogical and extremely unlikely circumstances – never explained for two reasons: it wasn’t important enough to the writers and they wrote themselves into many a corner with ll’s character as they tried to fit her into a universe that didn’t want to house their forced creation – she became good friends with Tommy Merlyn and Oliver Queen.

Oliver Queen makes her do the one thing she’s never done: doubt herself.

Surely she’s pretty enough for him to choose her. Smart enough. Good enough. Strong enough. Enough. She’s ENOUGH for him. They fit each other. He’s the Romeo to her Juliette. She’s aiming high and look, he’s right there: her partner along the way to the top. Her partner and her WAY. Her financer. Her ego boost. Her meal ticket. Her proof that she’s ENOUGH. Her proof that she’s relevant. That she’s BETTER-

THAN. HER. SISTER.

Because, gosh: LL’s world is dictated, her entire sense of self validated, by the existence of Sara Lance. I kid you not. I found this in the show… and it should make you feel sympathy for her. Should make you care. But she destroys our ability to give a crap because of how she handles everything with her sister.

Sara, who is daddy’s girl.

Sara who Oliver keeps leering over and not the older, better sister.

Sara who her mother sides with all the time.

Sara with the multitude of friends.

Sara with the better body.

Sara. Sara. Sara.

Why? Laurel does everything right: she follows the rules, does as she’s told, has become the role model. How does Sara keep BEATING her?

Is it… because Sara takes what she wants and gets away with it? She takes other people’s boyfriends - Laurel’s seen her do this (Arrow S1.5 comics) - she swindles her father for more allowance, her mother gives her free reign over the phone line… she’s selfish.

Well then, so shall LL be.

Suddenly Sara’s grounded-

And it WAS the right thing to do, Sara was too young and she didn’t want her heralded as a slut so soon. Ollie wouldn’t want anything to do with her anyway, but the way she throws herself at him is embarrassing, right?

-And the ‘Ollie Express’ is open season. He says yes. They have sex. Now she has him. She’s wanted by Ollie Queen and he’s settling down for HER. No one else and certainly not Sara. She’s beaten Sara and she’s assured a future for herself. His mother adores her. She fits in.

She can breathe freely again.

And Oliver, he’s so much more than people think: he’s sweet and kind- so what if he’s not that smart, she’s smart enough for the both of them. He’s reliable and honest. He makes her feels beautiful and wanted. All is right in the world. No matter what happens, she’ll always be the one who became Oliver’s first real girlfriend, because she’s special to him. She’s SPECIAL. She’s what he-

Except he’s having an affair behind her back.

With Sara.

Sara who she’d beaten.

Sara who isn’t as smart or as pretty or as EVERYTHING as LL.

Sara who’d gotten on a boat with her boyfriend.

She’s humiliated, but more than that… she’s confused. It’s nonsensical.

She’s everything. She’s perfect. She’s the ONE so… Oliver was happy. He was ready to move forwards with her. Why did he do this? Why does Sara keep beating her? She’s BETTER than Sara.

She’s better than all of them.

If they can't see that, see her... then why do they matter?

And then the realisation: she’s hard done to. She’s the scorned woman. She’s the one betrayed. She’s the one who’s grieving. She’s the one who deals with it in the best way. She’s the one who’ll walk out of this on top.

Oliver and Sara lost at sea? That’s nothing. NOTHING. She’s the one who got hurt and she never deserved it. They should have respected her. Should have loved her more. Ollie deserved to die at sea.

And so… an impetus is born: it generates into an unbreakable mind-set, separated from reality, one that we have to put up with until she dies. Literally.

Narcissism. It’s almost a disorder.

And it’s in the most impossible form: she sets a deliberately high standard for the world to attempt to reach and she gets to watch from up high as everyone tries to touch her seat. A standard that everyone must follow EXCEPT her. If anyone fails to meet it for whatever reason (and they always do), then they fail her expectations and therefore they fail her (this was admitted by KC herself, just fyi). They’re no longer good enough.

But she is though. She’s the ONLY one good enough. She loves her family, but she’s better than them. They’re all liars and stealers and selfish – Sara – betrayers – mom – neglecters – dad – cheaters and disappointments – Ollie – and unworthy – Tommy.

She doesn’t need them, not ever. How could she when she’s better? How could they ever meet her wavelength? How could they ever understand her mission, her heart, when they can’t meet her at the top?

But then her father, who can’t appreciate her because he isn’t capable of seeing her the way he should, makes her feel GUILT about her choice to be a DA.

Uh oh. Suddenly; she doesn’t sound righteous. She sounds like she’s becoming a lawyer for money-

NO. no, LL doesn’t do that, right? She’s better, so she can’t. She can’t fall beneath her FATHER’S set of standards because her own are so much better and she doesn’t have to meet her own because they’re for everyone else on the planet who are undeserving and have yet to face her justice. No one can outrun her justice, her standards.

Except herself.

But her father’s seen something in her, something twisted. The call of money and power and status and it’s a filthy thing isn’t it? Greed. Lust. Covetous.

She becomes the expert at coveting what others have, even as she judges them.

But she has to hide the filth: she’s better than her demons because she judges even them. Her father knows nothing. He doesn’t see her, so how could he? She’ll help him see her.

She joins CNRI to prove him wrong. She’s the pure one again whilst her father’s the alcoholic who can’t get over the daughter who left instead of adoring the daughter who stayed. The daughter who fights.

She sleeps with Tommy because she can, because she’s needy, because he’s Ollie’s best friend; the closest thing to the man she loves and hates and no one need ever know the notch she tied that night to her bed post.

Ollie did it with Sara after all. He could have had the bed post instead of just the notch. He died before he could realise that.

But it happens again and again for months and she has to admit, it’s thrilling aiming down. Obeying an urge for once and she needs the release: getting a job with CNRI immediately after law school instead of the requisite two years in a firm is impossible, but not for LL. Still, it’s tiring and it feels unrewarding, which is why she also needs the ego boost. She needs the validation, that it isn't all for nothing.

This way, she’s both fucking her past goodbye and giving it the finger.

She stops once she gets the job. Stepping stones, all of it. She doesn’t need Tommy, doesn’t need her father, doesn’t need law school anymore because she doesn’t obey the rules like everyone else HAS to.

When Oliver returns, she ignores him. He should have died: it was his punishment for forsaking their happiness.

He can’t touch her anymore; he can only watch from afar. She likes him watching. Likes him seeing exactly what he lost and can never have, what he destroyed.

Sara died because of him.

Her father became a drunk because of him.

Her mother left because of him.

She had to sleep with Tommy because of him.

All whilst he sunbathed on some island somewhere. And look, he doesn’t have to work to earn a living: he’s loaded. He doesn’t have to fight for anything, doesn’t have to strive or push like she does-

She’s envious. And she misses him. And if she misses him, he must miss her. They used to be so happy-

Wait… He suffered on the island?

He was punished?

If he suffered… does that mean he learned from his mistakes and that’s why he apologised?

He earned his stay on the island so maybe… he’s earned the right to forgiveness?

Suddenly he’s too tempting. She could have him again: he’s telling her she could. Oliver Queen, playboy billionaire, learned his lesson and wants her.

Of course he does.

She’s the best woman alive.

It’s the biggest ego boost of her life; a wave of chemicals that carries her away, that makes her kiss him. That scares her because she thought she was strong enough to not ant him again. EXCITEDLY because if he’s also the vigilante who went to HER for help-

But then… he reveals that he’s damaged and still a playboy and she has to retract once he fails her standards again.

A damaged man who won’t pursue her? Not her problem. She’s not interested. That man isn’t her Ollie. She'll check in again when he isn't quite so damaged.

Yet, even as Tommy worms into her, she keeps Oliver in mind.

It truly stuns her when he gives them his blessing. He… he was supposed to want her, to show reluctance.

Why does he look happy for them? She’s not.

He’s giving up the chance of them, and he’s SMILING?

How can he be? Doesn’t it torture him? She’s choosing his best friend over him, FEEL SOMETHING. FIGHT.

But he doesn't.

And he is changing, improving. Making waves - she’s taking notice.

So let him date lesser women, they won’t last and they DON’T.

HAH.

In the meantime, she’s fighting crime. The vigilante NEEDS her – he hasn’t asked anyone else for help: there’s only her. Tommy loves HER. Ollie loves her. Her father keeps butting in because he’s afraid for her safety and he’s realised just how prominent a figure she’s becoming, how important she is, but he’s too late to have a say in her life and he must watch her advance.

It all revolves around her now, as it should have before. She's the lead of her own story. They’re all realising how right she was, how they never should have put her second and not first. How they should have never made her feel less, and it’s ridiculous how she ever let them. They were all wrong.

She was made for greatness.

And then Ollie tells her everything she already knew about herself and it’s a king-size aphrodisiac: he thinks the same way she does. He knows she was always the best, always the ONE. He’s reached her level. And together they can soar above all others. They’re in love and will evolve and will lead the city into the future together. It's all slotting into place.

But he’s not her; he’s not righteous so she can ignore him when he gives her solid advice about staying out of the Glades. He’ll learn that she knows better, is better. That the world makes way for her and not the other way around-

Tommy dies.

It’s not because of the way she thinks. It's not because she was wrong. It’s NOT.

It was his choice, not hers. She doesn’t have to listen, but he should have. She never wanted him to come get her, she was waiting for Oliver.

And Oliver does come to her apartment: they reminisce. They’re together and that’s all that matters, so she starts planning. He’ll move in with her, there’ll be a marriage and move into the mansion-

Ollie leaves.

Again.

He left. He LEFT. HE-

No, she IS his ONE and ONLY. SHE IS. But the Hood and Malcolm ruined everything. It’s their fault Tommy died, that Ollie left. It wasn't because she was wrong or that she wasn't/isn't enough.

Their fault, not hers.

So why… does she feel guilty?

She knows really, but she pushes it back, away. Admitting to it would irrevocably damage her belief system.

And… she’s always right. And because she’s right, she leads a righteous charge against the hood, because it’s all his fault. Tommy died, ollie left, she’s feeling guilty and she keeps drinking- it’s all someone else’s fault!

Except it’s not.

It’s hers.

She'd been wrong.

Her world view crashes in on itself.

Nothing happened the way it was supposed to. She has no defence because she should have never needed one. That’s what being superior means.

Drugs and alcohol. How the mighty have fallen. No one can know… but even if they do, it doesn’t matter because she’s allowed to grieve like this. It’s grieving. Not shame. She's allowed to drink and change and be self-destructive. And everyone else doesn’t get it, they aren’t being fair.

Tommy dies.

Ollie left again.

She loses her job.

Her best friend gets a position as DA, well she’s not her best friend anymore: how dare she achieve greater. Johanna was supposed to help her, not step past her. Instead, LL is left behind and if her friend won't help her, then what good is she? She doesn’t need Johanna; she doesn’t need anyone.

She’s stronger. Better.

But then Sara comes back…

Sara died. It was her punishment. She’s not serving her punishment anymore. And she's come back, looking like she'd been on a six year pleasure cruise. That isn't fair at all. She’s unworthy. She ruined LL’s life. Her death was justice. How can the source of all her problems be alive…

And beautiful

Vibrant

Intelligent

Attractive to Oliver

Beloved by her father- her father who turned against her again in favour of Sara

Sara who went through the worst and resurfaced out untouched. Clean. As if SHE IS stronger, better. More.

How can I be like that?

She can’t.

Somewhere, deep down… she knows she can’t.

And she’s humbled by Sara who made her see how much she’d fallen… and for now, Sara can be the better of the two. She can pick up the slack and LL can watch, proud of her baby sister. She can give herself a break and compare others to her sister. Measure them by Sara’s measuring stick.

But it won’t be long at all until she’s BACK. Until she’s just as bright.

Until she’s better than Sara.

Until Sara needs her.

Until her father needs her.

Until Oliver needs her, because he stopped looking at her when she fell from on high.

She wants to return, to be part of that world.

But Sara is killed before she can become as beautiful. And it’s so clear that becoming as beautiful is impossible for LL. It too hard to digest that Sara is gone: Sara, the perfect fruition of a Lance daughter. The perfect her. The version of her that LL wished she'd been. So she’ll take on the mantle to honour Sara…

And in becoming Sara, she’s able to be more again. Be better again. Get back on that high saddle once more and she’s missed it up there. It feels right. It feels REALLY good. She’s been watching and learning… and her covetous nature had never died. She can’t be as bright as Sara.

So she’ll just become darker. A better Canary, never mind that canaries aren't dark.

She’ll wear Sara’s suit but she’ll be more. She’ll own it and make it her own, because this was always meant to be. It was never supposed to be Sara.

SHE is the justice you can’t run from.

This is the world she was made for. Oliver’s world. It was meant to be. So what if he’s angry at her presence: it’s because he cares about her, because he loves her. She'll fight him for a spot. He let Sara fight with him because he didn’t love her as much, but he loves LL too much. That’s why they aren’t together. Sometimes it’s just too painful to risk.

And it’s the best therapy. No more drugs. It’s addictive and it’s painful, but it’s better than anything else- in fact, it’s better than sex. Better than Oliver-

Oliver… Left?

With Felicity?

Because… he just wants her. HER. Out of everyone. He’s casting aside the hood… for another woman.

He and ll: they're supposed to fighting together, THAT’S how this works.

Then it’s just a phase. He’ll return and fight and realise he can’t live without the hood. He can’t without LL.

Except it’s not working, her fighting. She’s not changing the city so much as watching over it. She’s not moving forward. There’s a void.

There’s no more Sara.

She needs Sara. She needs Sara more than Ollie. The world made more sense with Sara. She might be the BC but Sara showed her the way. Her compass is gone. Her light is gone. And now LL is lost. If Sara’s back, she’ll feel better. There’ll no more void. No more emptiness. And maybe her life can WORK again.

And it’s okay, because she needs it. It’s okay to use Thea, because they’re friends and LL is loved by all. It's okay if disturbing the dead because, she wants it badly enough. It’s okay that Sara kills someone because it’s for the greater good: it’s for LL.

And with Sara alive somewhere, Oliver being with someone else doesn’t feel so bad. They’re soul mates after all, maybe one day…

And then he and Felicity break up and it’s PERFECT: no more Felicity in the basement, they don’t need her for him to stare at and Sara is alive. Oliver is TRAINING her. HE needs HER. Trusts her. LOVES her. WANTS HER.

So she suggests sex and-

He… is totally unreceptive. Isn’t… remotely interested… isn’t even remotely forward.

But… he’s in love with her and no longer tied down to Felicity. This should work. It’s been leading to this, right?

She has it all: she’s queen of the basement, Felicity is elsewhere and it doesn’t matter – so what if Thea isn’t talking to her, if Sara is out of the country. She and Oliver will fight crime together and maybe he’ll learn to love her again. Maybe he’ll-

Never. Love. Her. Not the way she loves him.

Because there’s just NOTHING there for him with her. He's alone even when he's with her and she knows what that's like.

Maybe he never could reach high enough to her again.

Maybe he knows he’ll never be good enough…

Or maybe... she’s just that conceited and Felicity… Felicity is just THAT wonderful,  that necessary to him because she is, isn’t she? She was there when LL wasn’t:

Felicity believed when LL didn’t

Felicity cared when LL didn’t

Felicity led him to places LL couldn’t

Felicity is, in many ways, stronger than LL and Sara combined and that truth stings

Felicity changed him without trying to

Felicity made him better… and ll can already see the cracks in him where Felicity’s absence has hurt him.

Without Felicity, Oliver will fall: LL's presence won't stop that.

Without Felicity, the city will crumble… because in the end, ll’s just a tiny pawn in a huge movement that she hasn’t contributed much to and she admits this finally to herself and to Oliver. The dirty truth.

It was all to feel alive, not to SAVE lives. It was all for her. But that doesn’t mean she’ll just let Oliver live without her because it’s thanks to her that he got on that boat: she helped create him! She’s responsible. She’s the ALBATROSS and she will never leave him. She changed his life forever: she left her indelible hand-print: SHE IS IMPORTANT DAMMIT.

The most important.

FLATLINE.

The end.

O_O

Yeah.

There's a less harsh explanation for LL:

She’s defensive due to the bad way she was treated after believing that her life was perfect, to her own detriment. She doesn’t have the kind of personality others can enjoy and rather than try to gain friends, she decides to simply be herself no matter how she comes across.

And there’s a much harsher explanation:

LL, at heart, isn’t a very nice person. She knows this so she builds an image that opposes the inner her. Addictions make her feel better about who and what she is, but they also help her to manage the stress of being, inside, the kind of person who doesn’t feel the empathy she should. There's an image to maintain so that no one knows the truth. Becoming a vigilante is more about how it feels to break rules and gain the kind of power only a mask can provide, than it is about helping people. In the end, she’s able to gain that vindictive pleasure of knowing that Oliver will never be without her. And every version of a canary has caused Oliver nothing but grief which is fine… because he broke her. Deep down, she just wants to be bad without being judged for it. Without facing consequences, which is why black siren fit the bill so much more than E1 LL ever did.

Again, this is just an opinion and a bit of fun when writing fanfic-

Anyway, Jessica's shutting up now because that’s enough out of me for one day. Back to work.

[ionica01]

TodoMomo Disney AU

@kitanoko I don’t really have enough words to thank you Dora! Whether you know it or not, you did help me meet some of my best friends out there, and since today’s your bday, I hope to return the favor, if only a little. Last year I started a silly coffee shop AU. Keeping the tradition, here are hcs to a Todomomo Disney AU that I will, one day, write. I hope you enjoy it!!

Part 2

Momo’s Mom died after giving birth to her, leaving her an her father alone. As such, the two develop a very strong bond (they’re the only family the other has left) and can’t imagine living without the other. That’s why, despite Momo turning 18 soon, she can’t even fathom getting married, and promises she’ll never leave her sickly father, moving in with her possible mostly improbable fiance.

Her Dad, however, wants her to start a family and be happy, and it breaks his heart that Momo puts him before herself.

Momo is content with her life as it is, because she lives the adventures she’d like to embark on through books. She’s read and reread every single book in the little library in her village, and often stops to chat with Aizawa, the librarian, who seems to be the only person in town not judging her for being a literate and asseritve woman. Not that she cares what others think - she’s fine being the outcast; it means no one will bother her and her father and disrupt their feeble balance with marriage proposals stemming from shallow looks. She especially dislikes Monoma, a guy who constantly asserts his greatness through meaningless acts and tries obtaining her hand in marriage like she’s some prize to hold in his trophy case.

One day, her father goes on a business trip (their town is too small for him to make profit selling clocks, which is their family tradition) and asks Momo what she wishes for. She kisses his cheek as he leaves and says, “Nothing, father. I only wish for you to come back safe.” “Come on, dear. Your birthday is coming up - at least tell me what gift you want.” She chuckles, shaking her head softly. “Then, a rose.”

What Momo really yearns for are friends, friends that won’t approach her for her status or looks, but people that genuinely like her and don’t think she’s weird, like the rest of the town does. She wants someone to talk to about books apart from Aizawa and her own father, and he wants to be respected. Sadly, that’s not the sort of present you can just wrap in a nice red bow and ship through the post.

A week passes by, and Momo starts realising just how lonely she is without her father, how dubious the looks everyone throws her are, how disgusting the stares of the boys in the village. She goes by the post everyday, the letters and cursive writing of her father being her only company.

But one day, the envelope doesn’t come. It doesn’t come the second and third day either, and Momo grows increasingly worried. No longer able to just stand by and do nothing, she leaves the third day, at nightfall, taking a horse from the stable and following the road she knows her father always takes.

As she enters the forest (never been there before, but knows her father’s stories about how beautiful this place is and that he’s always passing by a posh mansion with an wonderful garden) the night falls. The moonlight reflects off something and catches her eye, and Momo hops off her horse to grab the glistening object - it’s a watch on an old, golden pendant, one that she knows all too well. It’s her mother’s watch, that her dad always takes with when travelling.

Momo raises her eyes to see she’s in front of the mansion her father told her so much about, only to find it completely deserted - just like in his stories. Still, it’s her best shot, cause Momo knows her Dad would never lose the watch, he just isn’t that careless, and so she pushes the huge iron gates open. To her surprise, they’re unlocked, but their screech like they haven’t been used in a long time

Meanwhile, Iida (he’s Cogsworth fight me) rushes into Todoroki’s chambers, “Lord Todoroki! We have another visitor, and this time, it’s a girl!” “So what?” “What do you fucking mean so what you bastard?!” Bakugou yells, opening and closing his doors furiously (he’s the wardrobe). “I don’t care if you think the beast suit is cool but I fucking want to be human again, so get down there and don’t you fucking dare growl at her!” “I hate trespassers,” Todoroki seethes, closing his book loudly. “Why would she be any different from anyone who passed over the threshold?” “Just fucking GO!” Bakugou roars, and Kaminari (Lumiere wohooo) lights up Todoroki’s tail. “My lord, no offense, but you brooding here won’t change anything, whereas this girl might. Besides, I heard her calling for her father, so we might as well let the old man go.” “Why were you keeping him in the first place?” Todoroki asks, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Because, my lord,” Iida fixes his glasses, “I thought something like this might happen!” “Brilliant,” Bakugou grits out, “Now fucking get out.”

(Somewhat reluctantly) climbing down the stairs, Todoroki is met with Midoriya (Mr. Potts because there aren’t enough characters in the original story) and informs Todo, “She went to the cells.” “Oh, just marvelous,” Todo growls, storming down the stairs as Kaminari calls, “Slower, my lord, or my flames will go out!”

She finds a girl indeed, crouching in front of the cell with the old man and holding his hands in between hers. When she hears his footsteps, she whips her head around, and Todo must hand it to her: nobody has ever looked angrier upon first seeing him. There’s no ounce of fear as she looks him up and down, fire burning in her eyes as she says, “Who are you?”

“The lord of this castle.” “Why did you lock my father away?” “Momo don’t-” “He was trespassing my grounds and vandalizing my garden,” Todo lazily answers. “What do you ask for to free him?” Todoroki feels Kaminari poking him with the flamed hands again and holds back a growl of annoyance. He knows what everyone wants, but they’re honestly just raising their hopes for naught. Although this girl - this girl who stands up straight and stares him down - she may be different. “You need to take his place.”

“Momo, no!” the man yells. “Run away and save yourself!” “And leave you here? Never, father.” Looking at him again, the girl takes a step toward Todo, and he finally notices that she is shivering, but her knees don’t buckle. “I’ll stay here,” she begis, “as long as you promise that my father is allowed to go and you’ll never bother or harm him in any way, shape or form. No loopholes. No trickeries. My life for his.” “MOMO!” “That sounds fair,” Todo says with a smirk - this might be interesting.

With the flick of his fingers, the cell door opens and the old man stumbles out, throwing his arms tightly against the girl. “Momo, I can’t lose you!” she mumbles something Todo can’t make out as she shifts in his arms to hug him, and Todo turns around, stalking up the stairs. “Follow me,” he says, adding menacingly, “And don’t you try turning this around. A deal’s a deal.”

As such, after a teary goodbye Todo doesn’t stick around to witness, the old man is off and the girl turns towards him with a determined look. “Will you show me to my cell?” Todo huffs a breath laugh that sounds more like a roar. “Uraraka,” he calls, and a teapot appears. “Lead her to her chambers, and don’t bother me until dinner.” And with that, he’s off.

Uraraka does as inspected, stealing glances at a Momo who looks after Todoroki’s for. “What does he mean ‘chambers’? Am I not his prisonier?” “Oh dear no, you’re his guest!” Uraraka exclaims. “He just isn’t the best host, but we’ll take care of you!”

The room is dusty, but an old clock calls for a certain Jirou, and a feather duster waltzes in, “We get a guest once in a blue moon and suddenly I’m Cinderella minus the crystal shoes and prince,” she sighs, to which a candle holder shouts, “I’m your prince in shining armor,” he winks, the flames getting brighter. Uraraka dumps water on his head, “ruining his hairstyle” and eliciting giggles from Jirou.

Momo collapses on the bed and feels her view growing hazy. Soon enough, warm tears are streaming down her cheeks and she buries her face in her hands, sobbing rippling through her spine. The duster and candle holder stop bickering and join the teapot that hops on her bed. “Dear? What’s wrong?” Momo lets out a brittle laugh, “What do you think? I’m God knows where, with talking furniture, and a beast that has decided to hold me captive for unknown reasons and worst of all? Father is alone! How can he lose me after he lost Mom? I hate that I did this to him but what else could I have done?” Her thoughts swarm out of control and she takes a shaky breath. “I can’t believe I’m crying in public, this is so embarrassing.”

Jirou pats her hand, the feathery touch making Momo laugh, if only barely. “You did the right thing,” she says. The candle holder chimes in, “Yeah, and Todoroki is nice! He’s eccentric and kinda helps Uraraka pour water on me to dampen my mood-” at this, the teapot wiggled menacingly and Kaminari clears his throat “- but he’s a nice guy. He cares, you know? He only fed your Dad our best stuff!” “The grey stuff!” a voice from the wardrobe says, and Momo turns around to discover it is the wardrobe speaking.

“Why are you all guys-why are you all objects? Were you always like this?” They collectively shake their… heads, Momo decides to call them heads for lack of a better word. “And has he always been… a beast?” Another shake. “Have you been cursed?” At this, Jirou notes, “This one’s smart, I like her. Can we keep her?” “Am I here to help break that spell?” “Oh we’re definitely keeping her,” Uraraka adds.

Kaminari and Iida insist on giving her a tour of the mansion, and so Momo finds out that there are three cats roaming around the premises, and that Lord Todoroki personally feeds every one of them (“they can see beyond the scary exterior,” Iida contemplates, whereas Kaminari conspiratorially whispers in Momo’s ear, “They probably just think he’s one of their own”); the kitchens are impeccable, and Momo is subjected to test taste so many things she thinks she’ll burst; the main lobby is warmed by a crackling fireplace in front of which Lord Todoroki likes reading and enjoying his morning coffee (and his cups are so small, despite his claws).

And yet, it all feels very… Empty, and somewhat lacking, Momo thinks.

She doesn’t see Todoroki that day, or the next one, or the one after that. She tries knocking at his door but only gets angry growls, followed by an annoyed voice yelling, “Just fucking go out there, you moron!” and a roared, “NO!”

“What’s the point of me even being here?” she asks the humming piano in the corner, a cheery girl named Camie. “Lord Todo can be stubborn,” she singsongs. “And I think you’re confusing him.” “Confusing… him?” “Well, to be fair,” Ashido interrupts, “every other human who saw him ran away.” “It’s totally because of his weird fur. I keep telling him to wear a wig,” Camie sighs. “I think she was going for scary,” Jirou sarcastically interrupts. “Scary,” Momo muses. “It’s more like… he tries to seem scary.”

Anyhow, she decides to take a walk and clear her mind cause the sooner she breaks the spell, the sooner she sees her dad again. Kaminari and Iida accompany her in the garden, and as she marvels at the roses, she notices one of the cats crawling between the bars of the gates and into the woods. Momo immediately follows her because the servants have told her how these cats are the only company Todoroki has and that he treasures them immensely, but when she finally catches the runaway, she finds herself in the middle of the woods… surrounded by wolves.

Iida runs to get Todo, “My Lord, our guest is-” but finds the room empty and the window open because Todo was watching from the window and saw her disappear, and he figured she might be in danger.

Momo is cradling the cat to her chest, squeezing her eyes shut as the wolves get closer and trying to think but then Todo jumps in front of her and roars ferociously. The fight isn’t nice, and the wolves’ fangs cut through Todo’s arm as a pained groan rips out of him. That’s when Momo knows she has to do something and grabs Kaminari, yelling, “Shine brighter!” as she shoves the fire in the wolves faces. That makes them run away, just as Todoroki collapses behind Momo.

She carries him back to the mansion and instructs Kaminari to bring her rubbing alcohol and cotton tissues. Todoroki stirs with his head in her lap and Momo places both of her hands on his face, hissing, “Oh just stay quiet.” When Kaminari finally gets back, the alcohol warmed by his flames, Momo realizes none of the bandages is wide enough for Todo’s beastly arm and rips a piece of her dress to properly tie up his wounds.

“Why are you doing this?” Todo pants, turning away from Momo so she won’t see his face. “Because you saved me,” she simply responds, tying up the impromptu bandage. “Well that’s rich, considering I put you in danger in the first place.” “Did you ask the wolves to attack me because you re you a wolf-whisperer?” she asks, voice dripping with irony. “No, but if I wasn’t holding you here, you wouldn’t have wanted to escape, right?”

Momo bends over him so he can see her serious face and says, “I was out because your cat ran away.” As if to prove her point, the grey cat rubs against her tights and meowls. “I’m a girl of my word, Lord Todoroki, and I said I’m staying here. No trickeries.” For the first time ever, Todo sees her smile at him, and it’s dazzling. It’s been so long since anyone has smiled for him last.

Straightening herself up, Momo extends her hand. “I think we started off the wrong foot. I’m Momo Yaoyorozu, and you’ve been a horrible guest for these past three days, Lord Todoroki.” He looks at her bewildered, and Kaminari pokes him with his aflame hand to remind Todoroki he should shake her hand. To his surprise, she doesn’t flinch when his paw envelopes her slender fingers. “Todoroki Shouto,” he mumbles and watches as the smile on her face widens, reaching her eyes and sending glimmers dancing. ���It’s a pleasure,” she answers.

They stay up till late in the living room with the crackling fireplace, Momo talking about the bits she’s gathered since her arrival. “I’m not leaving until I break this curse. That’s why you wanted me here, right?” Todo nods, at a loss for words, and a smirk pulls at her lips. “For a man who hasn’t talked with anyone else for years, you sure have a presence,” she jests.

He can’t quite wrap his head around her, neither does he know what to do when she dozes off way past midnight on the couch. Iida instructs him to carry ehr to her chambers, but she looks so fragile that Shouto just drapes a blanket over her and watches her peaceful face for a minute longer before facing Bakugou’s angry growls (he dad, after all, ruin one of his best suits).

This is just PART 1. The real Todomomo comes in part 2, which I still hope to get out in time for your bday:) Also I have to thank my glam fam for adding hcs to this (I should have a special edition just for punny kami thanks to @verdandys-art and a BakuCamie star-crossed lovers story thanks to @teenytraveler and @infallibleimperfection lol)

But until then, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DORA!!!

[nerdygaymormon]

I can't tell you enough how wonderful you are and how much I appreciate your advice and how much to helps to see your overwhelming kindness. I am going to ask another question though. How do you develop the courage to speak up about who you are and about your experiences? I always panic and end up saying nothing at all, even when I know exactly what I want to say and strongly believe it needs to be said.

Thank you for the very nice compliments.

Speaking up can be scary, and sometimes I don’t (and I most always regret that choice). It seems like at church we’re socialized to not make other people feel uncomfortable even as they are saying things which are hurting us.

It helps me to be braver when I think that I am helping others. And honestly, while it may not feel like it in the moment, that’s usually the case. I’m always surprised when people later pull me aside to tell me their cousin or their son is gay or trans and they appreciate me speaking up.

Pushing back against negative & rejecting messages actually helps ourselves. It’s a way of honoring ourselves and helps keeps us from internalizing the negative messages. Of course, you have to determine if the situation is a safe one in which you can push back.  

In Church there’s a major shift taking place in the views of the members on LGBT topics, but it doesn’t seem that way because the voices we hear are those who support the official policies, and also those who want even stricter/harsher positions. When no one else is speaking up, it seems like we’re the only ones who feel differently. My experience is that we’re not alone, and my voice will give others permission to speak up.  

Here’s some tips for when you do speak up: 

*     Don’t attack the person. We want to challenge their ideas and assumptions, to make them aware of other experiences and ways of thinking.  

*     Respond by building on common ground. For example, if they quote a prophet, you can also speak about the importance of prophets.

*     We can explain how those words carry a negative message, the unfairness of what they’re saying.  

*     It helps to assume they have good intentions and didn’t realize what they said could be understood in a way that hurt others.  

*     Share your feelings and experience, use “I,” it’s hard to dispute that you feel a certain way and it makes things personal. When we open up and make ourselves vulnerable, usually others will react positively and they let down their guard, too.   

*     Practice how you might respond. It helps to know how to respond when the situation arises. For example: 

**      “I’m also glad for prophets and the hope it gives us, but it’s important to think of how things like the Proclamation applies to our own situation, not to use it to exclude or invalidate others.”    

**     “When the Proclamation is used in this way to exclude others, it really is painful to me. As a gay person, I don’t feel like I’m loved and valued and welcomed when I hears words like this. And I have other friends in the ward who are single moms and it’s important they know that God loves their families, too.”

These are examples of building on common beliefs, being respectful of the person and assuming good intentions while providing  a viewpoint they may never have considered. Also, they can’t challenge that this is how you feel.

Just as we want them to listen to us and where we’re coming from, we have to do the same. We have to be willing to listen and learn.

As a way to help get started, here’s some words that can hurt queer people. Role play in your head how you could respond.

· A mom saying she wants only straight/cisgender representation in the media for the benefit of the children, so they won’t be confused

· A man says he wishes that as a kid he’d heard of being transgender, because he would’ve used that to get into the girls’ locker room

·  A person saying it’s abuse when parents allow a transgender person to transition

·  When a person says they’re disgusted by affection shown between a same-gender couple

·  A parent says she’s uncomfortable having a lesbian as her child’s Primary teacher

·  Being told we should not identify as gay

·  Being told they love and accept us, but don’t go around telling people that you’re bi

·  LGBTQ+ people are that way because of bad parenting, or sexual assault, or something they saw on TV

·  Children deserve a mother and a father

·  Gay people are loved less by God because they persist in living a sinful life

[yourwakingnightmares]

Theo Raeken: A Character Study (Part 1): Theo’s Childhood

So obviously there’s a lot of different interpretations, view points, and theories surrounding our (or at least my) favorite Chimera. Was he always bad? Did the Dread Doctors brainwash him? Did he really shove his sister into the freezing river to drown? Why was he so desperate for a pack, only to kill them off one-by-one? What’s his deal with Liam, anyways?

Well... While I’m sure y’all have different opinions, I’m here to offer mine. 

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

Based off what we see, we can come to a few logical conclusions based off actual cannon. Namely, three instances of Theo’s childhood that we either see, or hear about. Firstly... Whether or not Theo pushed Tara, he definitely watched her freeze, doing nothing to help. Secondly, we see a young Theo, lying on a table, as the Dread Doctors start cutting into him -while he’s fully awake. Thirdly, he tells Stiles, “I was nine years old, I also believed that a guy in a red suit came down the chimney to deliver presents. So when three people in leather masks showed up and said that my sister wanted me to have her heart, I believed them too.”

From these three things, we can determine a few things, and speculate on a few more.

For the first part, we have to delve a little deeper into child development, so please bear with me for a minute. 

At the age of nine, personality is just starting to form -children are just starting to understand the concept of ‘empathy’, i.e., that other people have feelings too. Because, at the end of the day, up until  the ages of 8-10, children are basically small sociopaths, with no impulse control (due to a still-developing prefrontal cortex). It’s at this point that all the lessons that mom and dad have been trying to teach start to cement; when kids finally start to understand why they can’t take things from others. Up until this point, parents act as the child’s conscience and impulse control for them -logic, for children, at this stage, equals out to ‘I want the cookie, the cookie is there, I’m taking the cookie’. It’s parents who step in, and say, “No, you can’t, we’re having dinner soon.” The child doesn’t understand, seeing nothing beyond the instant gratification; they want it, so they should have it; the parental figures teaches them that this is wrong, helping to develop that empathetic response. It’s at the ages of 8-10, that the child starts to take mom or dad’s lessons to heart, which helps determine their empathetic response, which in turn, helps regulate their impulse control.

We can clearly see, as Theo sits, watching his sister freeze to death, calling his name, that his sense of empathy is either warped, or underdeveloped (not non-existent though; we see him capable of some sort of empathy later). This could be due to a number of factors, but the most likely, given the evidence, is simply that he wasn’t taught empathy. That his parents either neglected to teach him to empathize with others, or that -through systematic abuse -taught that a person’s own gratification means more than someone else’s feelings (the parental figure didn’t care about his feelings, only their own).

Next, let’s discuss the ‘surgery’ that turned Theo into a genetic Chimera. Because this one scene could mean a multitude of things, and is one of the best scenes to dissect to figure out Theo’s behavior.

We see a nine year old Theo, awake and aware, as the Dread Doctors cut Tara’s heart out, and then start cutting into him, and he just watches. No panicking, no screaming; it goes without saying that this would most certainly not be a nine year old’s normal response to creepy men in gas masks, hissing and clicking as they cut apart his sister, and then start cutting into him.. This could mean one of three things.

The first is that the Dread Doctors had already convinced Theo they were ‘helping’ him, or that he had already spent enough time around them to not be afraid of them, and to trust them at least to a certain extent. How long would it take to convince a child not to be afraid of the ‘monsters’? A few weeks? Six months? A year? Either way, this explanation would require that they had spent a significant amount of time ‘grooming’ Theo before that moment, and that his parents somehow missed this, and that Theo never told anyone.

The second option is that Theo’s fear response was far different than most children his age, and that could happen a number of different ways. Physically abusive parents could do this, for the same reason a horrifically traumatic event could. Over time, the body becomes numb to fear; you can look up the fear response, how the brain produces adrenaline that creates the ‘flight or fight’ mentality, and how eventually, the brain simply numbs itself to keep the adrenaline from destroying the body (evolutionary survival trait). So, for this option, it would involve a nine year old Theo having experienced such trauma, or fear, that it would essentially handicap the normal fear response for his survival.

And the last option is that Theo knew his fear meant nothing; that being afraid, kicking and screaming, throwing fits, etc., would accomplish absolutely nothing, and there was no point in it. We see this often times in cases where a child has been emotionally neglected; in essence, they’re taught that their responses to external or internal stimuli don’t matter; literally that no one cares how they feel about an event, or situation, that whatever it is, isn’t going to change no matter their opinion or feelings on the matter. As with ‘dampening’ the fear response, this isn’t a quick process, but one that would take years of conditioning.

Alright, last point guys (for this part anyways). Theo’s response to Stiles, talking about him ‘believing a guy in a red suit came down the chimney’, and that’s why he believed the Dread Doctors. As with the empathetic response, the ages of 8-10 is the standard age when kids start to realize -if there’s no adult interference prior -that there’s no such thing as Santa, and the Easter Bunny, and all that good jazz. They’re becoming aware enough of the world, and their place in it, that they no longer believe in magic, when reality starts to overtake imagination.

Let’s presume that Theo was telling the truth about still believing in Santa at the age of nine. Sure, he could have just been a late bloomer, developmentally stunted. Or, as we often times see in children growing up in neglectful or abusive homes, Theo held on to a fantasy; that he withdrew into himself, because the real world sucked. Living in your head is better than reality, so you hold onto childish, or improbable ideas and ideals longer than what would be considered ‘socially acceptable’.

Most kids, by that age, understand not to trust strangers -especially creepy looking strangers in masks who (it can be presumed) only come around when nobody else is there. Again, they’re becoming more self-aware at this age, so the typical response to three creepy folks showing up in masks and saying, “Hey kid, we want you to shove your sister into a river and let her freeze, because she wants you to have her heart!” would be to run for the nearest adult.

Theo, however, either believes them entirely, doesn’t care if Tara actually wanted him to have her heart or not (see Part 2 for more on Theo and Tara’s relationship), or that he didn’t have anyone to run to.

All of this, when taken together, and viewed as a whole, paints a fairly bleak picture of Theo’s early childhood; whether his parents simply didn’t give a damn about him (emotionally/physically neglectful), or they were outright abusive being the most rational conclusion to come to -at least, based off of his childhood behaviors.

Part 2 Theo And Tara

Part 3 Theo and the Dread Doctors

[bryanfaganlaw]

What will impact a judge’s decision in regard to where your child will primarily reside?

If you have need a best suitable service your Child Law experience, What will impact a judge’s decision in regard to where your child will primarily reside? with the great process!

Family Law Attorneys Houston: If the family court order that you and your family have been operating under for years no longer suits your needs, what are your options? What if your 14-year-old son is expressing an interest to come live with you on a full-time basis? Will you have an opportunity to go to court and change the order if that's truly what he wants? Or will you have to go it alone by asking your child's mother to negotiate with you outside of court?

Fortunately for you, either option is available in Texas. Our family courts invite parents like yourself to file modification lawsuits with the understanding that doing so is not a guarantee of achieving a particular result. In order to avoid going all the way to court and not achieving your top goal in a modification case, your judge will likely require that you and your opposing party mediate your case at least once in hopes of reaching an agreement outside of court. That will free up the courtroom for other parties and will hopefully allow you and your opposing party to work together to achieve an end result that suits both of you well.

Older children and changing primary conservatorship

If the issue of your case isprimary conservatorship of a child 12 years or older, then it is probable that you will be interested in having your child speak to the judge about where he or she wants to live full time. I say this not because I know your family, but because I know from having worked with many other families in your position. Most of the time, these folks have either done the research themselves or talked to other people who have told them that teenaged children have a right to speak to the judge about their custody preference.

Let’s talk about that before we go any further in today’s blog post. Yes, the law in Texas is that any child twelve years or old will be able to speak to the judge about their preferences on custody. Specifically, it is likely that the judge will ask the child where he or she wants to live primarily and why he or he holds that opinion. It may be everything that it is cracked up to be, however.

First of all, just because a judge has to speak to your child doesn’t mean that the judge is going to solely rely upon that child’s opinion when it comes to a final determination as to custody. Judges know just as well as you and me that kids change their opinions frequently. What your child wants today may not be what he or she wants in two years, two months or even two weeks. Being told by your child that he wants to live with you and not his mom Is not necessarily a good enough reason to hire a lawyer and file a modification case.

Consider that the judge in your case does not have to agree with your child. Also, consider that the judge does not even have to ask your child the questions that you want him or her to ask. Your judge is not a child therapist or someone who is trained in questioning children. He or she has probably been to a judge's conference where they picked up some skill in doing so, but there is nothing that forces the judge to ask your child the specific questions that you want. Do not base your entire case on your child speaking to the judge, in other words.

The court will focus on the totality of the evidence put before it, not just the opinion of your child. Once the judge has all of the information available to him or her, they will make a decision. The weight that the judge places on particular pieces of evidence will depend on the individual judge. What your judge finds to be important evidence may not matter too much to another judge. It is very difficult to guess the reaction of a particular judge to a particular piece of evidence, as well.

What to do in the event that you and your child’s other parent cannot agree on anything?

Houston Family Law Lawyers: Here is where the rubber meets the road. For most families, there can be relatively easy to reach middle ground on issues that range from custody to visitation to child support. Although you may not be completely happy with the agreement, you can still reason with the other parent and reach a consensus on whatever issue you are facing. The bottom line is that you realize that your decisions should be based on what is in the best interests for your child. Everything else in your case is secondary.

What happens, though, if you find yourself in a situation where you and your child’s other parent cannot agree on anything in relation to your child. You’ve been to court previously and have a court order in place and both of you find yourself at differing views on a number of subjects contained within that order. On top of that, you cannot work the problems out with negotiation or walking a mile in other person’s shoes. This is potentially dangerous ground you are walking on, needless to say.

It is situations like this that call for a concerted effort on both of your parts to establish some sort of middle ground. Co-parenting is a term that family law attorneys, judges, therapists and parents use ad nauseam these days. It basically means that you and your ex-spouse will share parenting responsibilities after the initial family case has concluded. It can be extremely difficult to do at times, putting aside your personal feelings for one another, but it is necessary for the betterment of your children.

Sometimes all it takes is moving back a step and considering what role did you play in creating whatever circumstance has led you to be back in family court. It could be that you and your ex-spouse do not do well interacting with each other one on one. All it can take is a glance, a movement of the hand, an eye roll or anything in between to trigger a bad emotion. Why not look to co-parenting websites, e-mail, text or a less personal means of communication in order to communicate with him or her.

One piece of advice that I like to give people is to imagine that everything that you say to your ex-spouse will be kept by him or her in a file to be potentially used against you in a future court case. This may be a cynical way of working with another person, but if it keeps you from lashing out in anger or using inappropriate language I would argue that it is worth it. If you're not comfortable having a judge see what you wrote in an email to your ex-spouse, don't click send on that message.

The other thing that I would like to share with you is to be as clear and concise in what you have to say as possible. Do not look at every email or text as a chance to re-litigate your divorce or any other petty problem that you have with this person. While you may have legitimate concerns with him or her, that doesn’t mean that you need to go for blood in every text message. Trust me- I have seen my fair share of multiple page text message conversations between clients and their ex-spouses. When I ask what the client sought to achieve by engaging in that sort of talk, their answer is usually, “I’m not sure.” Don’t put yourself in that position. Be clear in what you are communicating, do it in a kind way, and then end the conversation. Period.

Make sure that you are clear on what your ex-spouse has told you

Family Law Lawyer Houston: One thing that I recommend to clients is to be willing to always re-phrase what your ex-spouse has told you and to tell it back to him or her. That way you can show that you are actively listening to him or her and are attempting to make sure you are 100% clear on what he or she is telling or asking. Do not leave a conversation guessing at what he or she meant by a certain thing that they said. Get it straight from them and then you can move on to whether or not there is an issue at hand ... Continue Reading

[prettylex]

All You’ve Got To Do Is Reach Out For It (SL with @LeavingMyMarck)

Levi: -It had been a long time since I’d found myself sitting at the window of an airplane, much less a private jet staring at the tops of the clouds as they passed by. Lexi and I had been through a lot in the past two years and several odd months, but it had struck me a few weeks ago that the two of us hadn’t had the opportunity to take a trip together in the entire time that we’d been married. Every single day of our lives together had been spent in Las Vegas, and it had been such a contrast to the rest of my life where I’d had a hard time staying put in one place for more than a few weeks without wanting to travel. 

Lexi and Lizzie had been the reason for that. With the two of them, I’d have been happy anywhere on earth for any amount of time. However, Lexi had a lot on her plate. She was a mom, a business owner, my wife, and everything that came along with all of that. Now, with things moving on well with Ashlee managing the club, Lizzie being a toddler, and the two of us having things going as smoothly as possible, I could figure out a way to get her out of Vegas. 

I knew she had a passport. It was something the two of us had discussed at one point or another during our relationship. I could easily have taken her several places. I had a home in Spain. I knew a lot of other places in Europe and Asia where I could have whisked her off for a visit, but for some reason, the place I most wanted to show her was where everything began. 

I’d been born in England, even though I’d spent much of my life traveling around with my parents from university to university and much of my adult life flying to whatever country struck my fancy next. Back in those days, it had made sense for me to buy a jet, though I’d had no occasion to use it during the last couple of years. It was still at my disposal in storage at McCarran International Airport. All it took to get things into motion were a few quick calls to arrange for a pilot and to make sure Ashlee was going to be able to handle things on her own while we were away and to arrange for Lizzie to spend her nights with August and Ashlee after spending her days in the daycare at the club as she was accustomed to. 

Once everything was set into place, I took it upon myself to pack for Lexi since I’d decided I wanted to surprise her with the destination. The weather in England was wildly variable at this point of the year. The danger of rain was present every single day, no matter what point of the year we arrived, but in the late winter and early spring, the temperature was going to be unpredictable at best. That meant, I was going to have to make sure she was prepared for whatever weather was coming as well as whatever situation our trip might find us in. At a minimum, we were going to the manor that had been in my family for the last ungodly amount of years. I also planned to take her around the area and to London and show her the city that was closest to my home. All that had been left to do was to surprise her with the fact that I was taking her on a trip. 

We hadn’t gotten a honeymoon. It wasn’t something to regret. It was just a matter of the circumstances that we’d gotten married under. Everything had been fast. It had all been a surprise and the best one of my life at that. I wanted to spend a week or so with just her, just the two of us with nothing else to get in the way.  She was at my side on the couch, glancing out the window every so often, though I could tell she was nervous about where we were going, especially since it was a ten-hour flight between Vegas and London. I reached out to slide my arm around her shoulder, pulling her in closer to me as I stole a kiss from my wife’s lips. We were due to land soon. The ocean had melted into land, and I knew from the ground below that we were drawing closer to the city, though I didn’t know if Lexi was going to know where we were until we’d arrived. The jet was already starting to come down out of the air and draw closer to what must have been the airport approaching below us.

Leaning in to whisper close to her ear as I let my lips drift over her bare skin I paused to make sure she knew the most important fact about everything that had happened between the two of us.- I love you, Darling Girl. 

Lexis: {I was nervous. To say the least. I wasn’t sure how to handle Levi telling me we were going on a trip. It made every nervous tick inside my body want to go insane. Getting on a plane with no destination had been an experience. At least, I didn’t know the destination. I shouldn’t have been surprised when we pulled up to the private terminal. I knew all about Levi’s life before I came into it. He had spent most of it travelling the world. And I knew he had more money than I could comprehend. Of course, he had to have a plane. 

And I had had ten hours to think about the multitude of issues I was having. And I tried to keep the insecurity from coming out. Anything and everything that had happened on this plane was before me. It was a mantra that kept running through my head. I had to keep it going through my head or else I was going to go insane. I just had to remind myself that things were different now. Especially now that our daughter was in the picture. 

It was hard to believe that she was almost two. It had been a small surprise to see her grow up. She was a tiny version of me. It was something her father loved. It was the one thing he had been hoping for from the moment she was born. He wanted her to look like her mother. But it was her voice that I was in love with. All the time she spent around her father meant that she had absolutely picked up on his accent. I was a little concerned that she would have a blend of a British and American accent, but it seemed like she was determined to sound like her Daddy.

But leaving her for a week was stressful. I knew Ashlee could take care of her. She wasn’t going to disrupt her schedule too much. When Ash was in the club, Lizzie would be down in the day care. At night, Lizzie would be spoiled by Ashlee and August. They were a pair like Levi and I. But it was how I knew those two would work.

But as we finally came close to our destination, I felt myself lean into Levi a bit. The softly whispered words of love and Darling Girl made me realize that this was going to be okay. I was still his wife and nothing had changed. But I felt my eyes go wide as a clear view of London started to appear below us. I had almost expected us to go to Spain. It was the house Levi talked about most often. I didn’t even know he had a place in London. But it was something I wanted to see more than anything.} You brought me to London? You’re taking me to your house in London? Like where you got your accent from and everything?

Levi: -I laughed softly at the response. I hadn’t known if she’d recognize London right away, though it had more than its fair share of landmarks that could be used to identify the city. I knew what a fan she was of my accent. She loved even more that our daughter was picking it up with the words that she’d first started to babble and then began to string together into sentences and thoughts. It made sense because of how much time the two of us spent together, even though her mother was around just as much. It just amused me that she was so excited to see the place where I’d earned it. 

I couldn’t help smiling, though I refused to take my lips off her skin for even a moment. I did move to give her a chance to see out of the window. I’d been here before, spent vast swaths of my life here and nearby, but there was something absolutely intoxicating about being able to share it with my wife for the first time. The thought alone of bringing my wife anywhere was something I’d never thought I’d been able to say, because I was fairly certain I was going to be living my life alone. At least that was until she walked into my line of vision at the club. She was the one thing that changed my entire world into something I’d never could have imagined for myself. It was absolutely intoxicating to be able to bring her here.- 

Well, we’re landing in London since that’s the closest airport, but we’re headed to my house just outside of the city, as a matter of fact. Though it’s not too far from the city, so we can always come in to shop or have dinner if you get tired of the country. 

-I knew I was babbling a little, but I was nervous about how she was going to react to fully understanding the news of where we were going.-

Lexis: {I felt myself stiffen as Levi said we were going to London because it was the closest airport. I had the strongest feeling I wasn’t going to react well to where we were going. Because I knew how Levi was raised. I knew he was a trust fund baby. Which meant the probability of him growing up in a bigger house was strong. And the moment he said we were going to the country, I knew the truth.

I wasn’t entirely sure how to react, though. This was something I hadn’t thought about. I should have, though. Levi was an only child. Who else would own the house he had grown up in? There was no one else. The thought made me a little sad, though. Levi was really the only one left in his family. And I didn’t know anything about mine. It made me start to feel disconnected from everything. The feeling of floating almost. But as the plane touched down, I felt myself start to shake. I wasn’t entirely sure if I could handle this.

I took a small breath to try and gather my composure before I was standing off to the side while Levi gathered our bags. I hadn’t known where we were going, so I didn’t pack anything other than my essentials. Levi had said he would handle it. My voice started to shake as I stepped off the plane.} We’re going back to the house you grew up in? You brought me back to your home?

Levi: -I knew from watching the way she moved that things were starting to get to be too much for Lexis, and I was sorry for springing the surprise on her the way I had. I figured I owed her an explanation for all of this. It was a quick matter of getting our bags delivered to the car that was supposed to be waiting for us. The driver from the estate had come out to pick us up himself, which was going to be an entire other thing I was going to have to explain to Lexis as this week unfolded. I was nervous and a little embarrassed about everything she was going to see.

I’d grown up with money. I had it still, probably more than I was ever going to be able to spend in my entire life. It meant that I was free to do whatever I pleased with my time. It was the reason I was able to be in Las Vegas to begin with, the reason I was able to meet Lexi. But it was also the thing that made me different. Parts of me wanted to be like everyone else, and I definitely didn’t want my wife to be intimidated by any of what was about to happen. What I did want was to share at least some part of my life before her with her.

I walked over to my wife, sliding an arm around her to pull her into my side. - The car is ready for us. Thank you for coming with me. I thought we’d have a honeymoon since the two of us never got a chance to get away together when we were married. 

Lexis: You can blame your little Bunny for that, Levi. {The only thing I could do was shake my head. I wasn’t sure what I was walking into here. This was a different world. And it reminded me that we had come from two very different upbringings. I had nothing while Levi had the chance to have everything. I could have resented him for that fact once the two of us finally had the chance to talk after our marriage.

But now was a different story. This was the man that loved me in spite of the crippling OCD I struggled with daily. He was the perfect father to our daughter. He knew what he wanted in life, and he was taking it. While it was slightly intimidating, I couldn’t have been prouder of who my husband was. And I knew this trip wasn’t about flaunting what he had grown up with in my face. It was about showing me something from his past. He wanted to show me his life, even if I didn’t have that to show him.

As I settled into the car, I tried to stop my hands from shaking. It was going to be a lot, though. There was no denying that. As much as I wanted to ignore everything that was going on around me, I still needed to be prepared for what I was walking into. And Levi knew that I was going to have questions. I always did.} I know it’s different. I know it’s not what I’m expecting. But to be fair, I am always going to feel intimidated by what you have. Even if I know that I could have it, too. Just knowing you’ve always had it is a little strange for me.

Levi: -I could understand the culture shock that Lexi would be going through. It was still a bit of a shock for me transition into this life when I left other places. It was different, and it might have been something that I’d grown up with for most of my childhood, but that didn’t make it any less of a transition. I just hoped that it wasn’t going to be too much for her. I always had the house in Spain as a backup plan if she decided this wasn’t her proverbial cup of tea. 

Part of me wanted to correct her for thinking that she could have it too, when in reality, everything that I had was hers, even if she didn’t ask for it. But I knew what she meant. All she would have had to do was say the word, and I’d have moved mountains to make sure Lexi got whatever she wanted. She knew that was true. I just wanted to show her that part of my life, and to include her in it as much as I possibly could.

I could see her hands shaking as we pulled out of the airport and into the busy London streets. Traffic could be bad here during the day, but it was a quick enough trip to get out of the city. Most of the people who lived here didn’t even own cars and wound up walking or taking public transport everywhere that they went. Only those who wound up leaving the city for business or pleasure even bothered with trying to drive. The house was far too far to walk and just outside of the reach of any of the trains or buses that moved around the city, so a car was the only option to get there. Besides, it gave me a chance to have her to myself for a moment before we got there. 

I reached out, threading my fingers between Lexi’s to still the shaking before I kissed the palm of her hand.- 

Love, if any of this is too much or doesn’t feel right you just have to say the word and we can make something else happen. I just wanted you to have every part of me. You already have it even if you don’t realize. Maybe I’m just trying to show you that. 

Lexis: {I knew what he was telling me. I was as part of his life as he was mine. Everything I had worked for was his. It was never going to stop being mine, but it was going to be his just as much as it was mine. And I needed to come to terms with the idea that he had houses all over the world. Although, to be fair, this wasn’t just his home. This was his childhood home. If I wanted to know anything about him as a child, this was going to be the place that I learned it. I just needed to get used to the fact that this was what he was born into.

I knew we had a bit before we got to the house. If I knew anything, I knew that Levi grew up outside of the city. As much as I wanted to believe that he was a city boy, he really wasn’t. He was so much more content with open space. It was why I knew to buy him the bike I had gotten him for Christmas. But there were times I double guessed myself. I always wondered if this was the place I was supposed to be. But then I realized that I was just as much at a loss as he was. And we were made for each other. It was the only way that our relationship worked.

I could only relax into the seat of the car as I tried to gather my thoughts. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was supposed to do with him sometimes. I didn’t know how to accept the fact that he had all of this. And I knew that if I just opened my mouth to talk to him, he’d reassure me of all of it. I just needed to be brave enough to have that conversation with him. And if I didn’t say anything, I was just going to drown in a pool of self doubt.}

I know that, Levi. I know it just as much as I know that Lizzie is your daughter. But that doesn’t exactly make it easy for me to handle. You know me better than I know myself most days. And sometimes I wonder if I have actually given you everything you have given me. I mean, yes. I gave you a reason to stay in one place at a time. But I also haven’t been able to give you much about my past. I don’t have places like this. I can’t show you where I grew up simply because those places don’t exist for me. I mean, I’m sure I could go buy those houses. But at the same time, they are from a point in my life that I don’t want to go back to. And I don’t want you to run because I can’t or won’t show you those parts of myself. So I’m just scared of you wanting me to show you that part of me.

Levi: -I gently rested my fingers under my wife’s chin. I wanted her to look at me when I spoke to her because I needed her to know this before we turned into the drive that led back towards the house I spent a good deal of my childhood in. I knew hers hadn’t been idyllic. It was a part of her life that she didn’t want to go back to or even think about. And I understood that, even if it wasn’t the experience I’d had.-

Love, I’m here for the future, not the past, and as for you giving me as much as I’ve given you, well, you’ve gone above and beyond that. You didn’t have to marry me. You didn’t have to give me Lizzie or anything else. You gave me a life I wasn’t even insightful enough to see for myself until you were sitting across from me. So don’t worry about the past. 

-I knew where we were in our trip from rote memory and of course now was the moment the house fully came into sight. It was easy to forget how large it was or how old when I wasn’t thinking about it. I just wasn’t sure how much being here was going to change Lexi’s impression of who she had married.  I could see the slightly shocked expression on her face as we pulled down the drive-

Just promise not to think I’m an entirely spoiled rich kid from now on. 

Lexis: {There was a lot I could say to him about that last statement. I knew who he was. I knew the man I had married. And that man was anything but spoiled. I still wasn’t back to the club full time. I’d come in from time to time if I was feeling up to it, but I spent most of my time with Lizzie in the nursery. Levi didn’t begrudge me of that. I had taught him how to run my club without any issues. And he was amazing at it. He worked hard for what I had built. He knew my club and the girls meant everything to me. He wasn’t going to let it fall apart because I wanted to be a mother.

It reminded me of how we were raising Lizzie. She was going to have the same opportunities her father had when he was growing up. But we both agreed that she was never going to be a spoiled rich kid. While she had opportunities, she was going to be raised the way I would have been raised. She needed to understand that she wasn’t going to be able to have whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. Knowing we were on the same page in regards to raising her meant everything to me. Nothing had turned into a fight so far. And it was a blessing.

But I was still in shock as we pulled up to what Levi called a house. It wasn’t a house. It was a mansion. What we lived in back in Las Vegas was a house. This was so much bigger. I felt my heart drop to my stomach for a second. This was exactly what I had been expecting when Levi had told me he grew up in a place with nannies and servants. That just wasn’t the lifestyle I was used to. And I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it once we were inside.}

These are the same people who have seen you grow up? They’ve known you for longer than I have. And they’re going to hate me because I’m just a 26 year old woman who conned a 41 year old man into marrying her and having a kid with her. Just so she could have his money. They’re going to want me gone.

Levi: -The car came to a stop out front, though I wasn’t going to force Lexi to get out of it before she was ready. I knew she was going to be nervous walking into this, but I didn’t think she’d be prepared for what anything was really like in there. Most of the time I wouldn’t have given a second thought to what anyone thought about my relationship with Lexis. She and I were beyond what some people could wrap their heads around, but she was far from a gold digger.- 

Love, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, though I think you might be surprised. The staff here aren’t my parents. They might have had something negative to say about any and everything I did that they didn’t have a direct hand in. The staff is another story. The one’s who have been here since I was a child would be happy to see me doing something that made me happy. 

Besides, I’m sure everyone is going to think that I’m a lecherous old man with a beautiful young wife that is so far out of my league. 

-I brought her hand to my lips, pressing a kiss into the back of it as I drew myself in closer.- 

We don’t have to get out of the car until you’re ready to go inside, Bunny. 

Lexis: {A new wave of panic coursed through my veins as he called me Bunny. I knew it wasn’t the reaction he was expecting. Normally, Bunny was a term that gave me the space to think. But I wasn’t entirely sure how the staff here was going to react to me walking around the house calling Levi Sir. And that was the only response allowed when he called me Bunny.

But it was also a reminder that I could ask for boundaries and rules if I needed them. And if it was the best thing to keep me from spiraling into a mess, he was going to give me what I needed until we knew things were going to be okay.

Choking back the hysterical laughter that wanted to bubble out, I couldn’t stop the most ridiculous of all the questions to pop from my lips. I knew the answer, of course. But I also knew that I needed to hear it. I needed to know for some ungodly reason.} You don’t have a playroom here, right? The staff has no idea you like to tie girls up and hang them from the ceiling before fucking them until they can’t see straight, right.

{I could see by the look on his face that he wasn’t expecting that question. But it was the low rumble of Lexis that made me realize I had made a mistake in cursing. It was one of Levi’s weird rules. If I was just in my normal headspace, he thought it was endearing. But the moment I stepped into Bunny, all forms of curses needed to be wiped from my vocabulary unless Sir had given me permission to be free with the words.}

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. But I need to know if I’m the only girl that has ever been here. As your wife and your submissive. It’s a weird hang up. I am aware. But you know how I am. And you know how I feel. Even if we’ve been married for years. I’m still not sure of my place in your world. 

Levi: -I decided to let go of the fact that she’d cursed. I didn’t know why it had bothered me in that moment other than the fact that I’d just referred to her as Bunny. We weren’t in the playroom, and the truth was that I didn’t have one here. I’d been back from time to time, though I never spent any extended amount of time here since I’d left to go to university. 

I also knew that it was important to her that certain parts of my life had belonged solely to her. I hadn’t given this part of me to anyone before now, and I had no problem telling her as much- 

You’re the only person I’ve ever brought here in my entire life, Love. You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to share this part of me with, just like you’re the only one who I ever wanted to be a permanent part in my life. That’s why we’re here. Though, I’ll reassure you all that you might need to make sure you know it. 

-We’d started things so suddenly when we had met. Both of us still needed some time to adjust to things from time to time. It was something I understood better than most people would have. She was my wife, though, no matter what else might happen between the two of us. That meant more to me than any other connection I’d had with anyone else on earth besides my own daughter.- 

Lexi: {I let out the breath of air as Levi told me I was the only person he had ever brought home. And that brought up a new round of questions. But they didn’t matter. This house was just for me. It was the one place he held closest to his chest. I knew that. This place was different than the house in Spain. I still hadn’t been there, but this was more special. This house was more than that.

As I looked out from the car, I had a sudden vision of Lizzie running around the yards with Whisper and Rebel on her heels. This was a place we could raise her. She could learn here and grow here in a different way than she could in Vegas. It wasn’t Levi’s intention, but I knew the truth. This could be a place for our daughter.

I felt the tear slide down my cheek as I started to get choked up. There was a lot going through my head about this place. Despite every feeling of inadequacy I was feeling, I knew the truth. This place was perfect. It was exactly who Levi was. And it was a matter of learning that side of my husband.} We should have brought your little Bunny. She would have been in heaven here. And the dogs. They’d have the space to just run and get their energy out. We need to come back with them, Levi. Soon.

Levi: -I reached up, running my thumb across Lexi’s cheek to wipe away the tear that had started to drift down from the corner of her eye. I realized she was going through a lot of emotions at the moment, and I was going to let her go through whatever she needed. She was right about the fact that this place was perfect for Lizzie and for the dogs. I had every intention of bringing them here as soon as we could. I had just wanted this week for Lexi and myself.

I leaned in closer and brushed a kiss across her lips-  

We can bring them here any time you’d like. All you have to do is say the word. I just thought the two of us could use a chance to get away from everything and have some time alone for now.  

-My hand remained on her jawline, my thumb rubbing lightly along the line of her cheekbone for now. I loved Lexi more than I could put into words. I just hoped I could show her while we were here how much she meant to me.-

Lexi: {There was something about the way he was touching me. He was cherishing me. I knew what was going through his mind. He was at a loss for words. He wanted to tell me how much I meant to him, how much he loved me. We were the same person in that regard. We both knew it was a miracle we had found each other. It was a gift we both cherished. And putting that into words was not the easiest thing to do.

But I knew the only thing I could do to show him how much he meant to me. He was the only man I was ever going to give my heart to. He was the only person I was ever going to have a child with. He was the only person that I would share myself with. And that was something he needed to know.

I couldn’t stop myself from leaning in closer to him and taking another kiss from his lips. This was a little different from the kiss he had given me. While his was soft and almost innocent, mine was just a touch more heated. It was a sign to him about what I wanted. And in the moment, I wanted nothing other than him. I needed to feel him. I needed to be reminded that I was his and he was mine.}

Levi: -I couldn’t help letting out the soft growl that boiled up in my throat when she deepened the kiss between us. My hands went to her waist to pull her into my lap and settle her in place. I didn’t care about what was going on in the rest of the world for that moment, just the fact that she was in my arms. I was just going to let this happen for a moment, though I had every intention to drag her into the house and up to my bed as soon as I could. I just wasn’t going to interrupt this unless I had to. 

My fingers curled around her waist, holding her as close as I could. It was good to have her this close, but I wanted more. I wanted all of her that I could get, and judging from the way her body pressed hungrily into mine, she wanted me just as much as I wanted her. I didn’t want to break the kiss between us, but as soon as one of us pulled away to take a short inhale I murmured against her lips- 

Mrs. Marck, I think I need to get you upstairs and into bed as soon as possible. 

Lexi:  {I understood the moment he said we needed to get into a bed. Levi was possessive of me. And it was something that turned me on to no end. But he was not an exhibitionist. There was no way he was going to sleep with me if there was any way someone could see us. I had figured that out the few times I had tried to seduce him in my office. He would just shake his head before spanking me and telling me to take care of our daughter.

But he was right. We needed to get into a bed as fast as possible. I needed him in a way I hadn’t needed him in a very long time. But that was the thing with the two of us. There was always a hunger for the other. Our nights were spent wrapped up in each other, expressing what words couldn’t. As Levi opened the door to the car, I slipped from his lap and adjusted my skirt. I had wanted to make a good impression with the people I was going to be meeting today. They were the people Levi considered his family. But that was going to have to wait.

But it struck me as he climbed out of the car just how handsome he was. He was comfortable in his clothes. Jeans, and a button up under a sweater. Something he didn’t wear for anyone other than me. I couldn’t stop the grin and giggle that slipped from my lips as Levi swept me up into his arms and pressed another kiss to my lips.} Please, Mr. Marck?

Levi: -I could only grin against her lips, reluctantly letting her go to grab her hand and lead her through the doors of the house. I wasn’t worried about the bags. Those would be brought in before the two of us even realized what was going on. Right now, I had one focus. I needed to remind her how much I loved her. I threaded my fingers between hers, joining our hands, though I didn’t want to remove my other arm from around her waist for the moment. Pressing another long kiss to her lips, I leaned down to lift her off her feet and scoop her up into my arms.- 

Come on, Love. I’ve got a few things to show you. 

-I knew my way around the house well enough to navigate my way up to the room that had always been mine in the house. I’d called ahead days ago to make sure everything was going to be ready, and I wasn’t disappointed when I finally got the both of us through the door. Somehow, on our entire path through the foyer, up the stairs, and down the hall, we hadn’t managed to run into anyone, but if I knew the staff around here, that was on purpose. We weren’t going to see any of them until we wanted to. 

It was a simple enough matter to lower her onto the bed without even breaking the kiss I’d landed on her lips the moment I closed the door behind us.- 

Lexis: {I wasn’t sure what it was about being here. But I felt more connected to Levi than I ever had. It was like we were finally putting the entire puzzle together. And being in this house was going to give me more answers to questions that were always on the tip of my tongue. But those questions were driven away the moment we were locked away in a room.

Levi knew how to pull my focus away from what was going on around me. And this was exactly when I needed to feel. I needed to feel the way his hands felt along my body. I was extremely happy with the decision to wear a skirt for the flight. It gave Levi access to my skin faster than if I had been wearing pants, like I almost had. And with every touch of his fingers against my legs, I felt what he was always trying to tell me. He was telling me that I was it for him. There was never going to be another person in this world that he would want the way he wanted me. And it was the same for me.

I couldn’t stop the soft moans that slipped through my lips as I tried to take a breath. But the way Levi slowly moved his hands from my legs to my sides made every intention he had evident. His hands worked the top I had been wearing off, leaving me in a barely there bra that barely held my chest in. It was the look in his eyes that made me grin. I could only watch as he took in every inch of me. The soft growl that filled the room was a turn on. And it was with a soft gasp as Levi leaned back down to nibble on my skin that I finally let myself go completely.}

Levi: -Lexi was intoxicating every time that I got to see her, even when it was just her curled up on the couch with a dog half in her lap, but there was something about her being here in my old bedroom and stretched out across my bed that was something else entirely. There hadn’t been another person in this room with me since I was a teenager, and even then it hadn’t been a girl, much less a woman who I had any kind of feelings for. She was everything to me, and right now, seeing her stretched out underneath me was too great a temptation to bear. 

There was no way I was going to be able to keep my hands or my lips off of her. Dragging my lips and teeth along the curves of her body, I took my time in exploring her, almost as if it were the first time I’d gotten to experience her like this. Maybe it was. There was something about having her here in this room that had been such an integral part of my childhood and growing up. She was a part of everything for me, and there had never been anyone else that could have fit into every single one of those niches for me.

My hands were quick to divest Lexis of even the last remnants of the clothing that she still had on. My own followed, leaving a heap of forgotten fabric on the floor before I dove back in running a hungry line of kisses up along the line of her leg and thigh towards her pussy as I enjoyed the sight and feeling of her writhing beneath my attentions. I wasn’t ever going to be able to get enough of Lexis. I didn’t know if she understood how much of a drug she could be to me at times, and I was constantly craving my next hit of her in whatever way I could get it, whether that meant simply having her curled into my side while we did something as simple as watching a movie together or something like this. I was hers as much as she was mine, and I intended to show her that in whatever way I could manage.-

#AllYouveGotToDoIsReachOutForIt

[officerjennie]

Chapters: 11/? Fandom: Naruto Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Madara Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Supernatural Elements, Warring States Period (Naruto), Child Neglect, Child Abandonment, Tobirama doesn't die in this one, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I have other stories I should be working on, Why Did I Write This? Series: Part 3 of Tobirama in Mythology Summary:

Abandoned as a child and left to starve in the streets, Tobirama hadn't expected to live long. But he stubbornly clung to life anyway, and a passing shinobi collected him and named him his ward - and he became an honorary member of the Senju family.

Or: How Tobirama wound up with a family, and found his place in the human world.

Click the link or continue below the line to read!

Also, finally got a Ko-fi - link in header :)

Despite what a certain teenaged plant boy might say, Touka never planned her targets in advance. She preferred to let lady luck decide who would fall victim to her pranks, setting them up in the early hours before the other members of her clan started rousing from sleep. They weren’t always elaborate, of course, for even someone as creative as herself lacked constant inspiration.

Her latest setup was a perfect example of how a creative block could effect even her. Just a simple bucket of mud sitting on the tree branch with her, feet kicking as she waited for some poor sap to walk her way.

Simple, yes. Refined, no. But still one of her all-time favorite methods of causing mayhem.

It took a bit longer than usual for someone to walk into her trap, but that was likely due to the location more than anything else. The river had been calling to her as of late, what with summer getting into full swing, and the pine she’d climbed up had a view of her usual swimming spot - which she planned on taking over once her bucket was good and empty.

When she got a good look at the boy walking her way, his steps all but silent as he moved, she almost thought better of the whole thing.

She knew that boy. Hadn’t spoken to him, maybe, but that hardly mattered. Everyone knew Butsuma’s ward - knew of him, knew what he’d done. It was all anyone would talk about the past few weeks. She’d heard a few of the older folks talking some nonsense about omens, and even her mom had started questioning her clan head’s decision to keep him in the compound.

Apparently, the bodies he’d left behind had made several of the veteran shinobi weak at the knees. Not that Touka could judge them much, since she hadn’t seen them (not for lack of trying, mind. By the time she raced off to see them, there was nothing more than bloodstains on the grass and trees. A lot of bloodstains, but nothing else to cure her burning curiosity).

Her indecision on whether to wait for a new victim or not was short lived. His hair was just too white not to mess with, and it would be a great disservice to her own soul to let him go.

The splat of mud had her cackling from her perch, her victim frozen as globs of it ran slowly down his face. She had to mask a fall as purposeful from just the look alone, him all wide-eyed and tensed and covered in it all - really, it was just a shame her eyes were so wet now, since the scene was just too priceless.

After five minutes of her laughing and him not moving, it started to get less funny. Especially with the way he was just standing there, shoulders tensing inward, expression guarded and some odd emotion dulling his eyes.

Whatever it was, she didn’t like it. None of her other victims had acted like this - and they certainly hadn’t flinched away from her when she stepped towards them either. Touka pursed her lips, taking a moment to study him thoroughly. He wasn’t looking at her, not directly, but it was clear he was watching her right back. And the way he was just standing there was just wrong - like he was waiting for something else, but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out what.

Well, if Touka was anything, she was the master of her own world; if she didn’t like something, she’d just have to change it. Mind made up with a decisive nod, she marched right up to the pale boy, grabbed his arm, and started to drag him towards the river, only bothering to throw a demanding “Come on, then!” in explanation his way.

Shoving him into the river proved easy enough, and the clear horror on his face when she demanded for him to take off his shirt sent her straight into another fit - one she gracefully held back as she dunked his head right into the cool water, determined to get every last hint of mud out of his hair. It took some doing, and quite a bit of elbow grease (and more boy wrangling than she was used to. He was more squirrelly than the actual squirrels she hunted on occasion) but the water eventually ran clean enough for her liking.

“See? Mud always washes out.” She gave him a pat on the head before moving on to wring out his now-clean shirt. “No need to let it upset you or anything.”

He gave her a heavy look, one she didn’t understand. But she was hardly going to let that bother her, taking a moment to hang his shirt over a tree branch before turning back to him.

“What’s your name, anyway?”

He certainly took his sweet time responding to such a simple question. Just stood there with his arms crossed over his chest, though he seemed notably less hunched in on himself. Still, by the time he answered Touka was ready to throw in the towel (and potentially throw another bucket of mud, too).

“Tobirama. And you’re Touka.”

That wasn’t a question. She cocked her head with a wrinkle of her nose. “How’d you know that?”

“Hashirama’s mentioned you. As has Itama.”

Ah. That made sense. She rolled one shoulder, glancing around the river, already itching for something else to do. It was nearing the time most of the clan crawled out of their futons, so that expanded their options quite a bit. And she was getting a bit hungry. With a mischievous grin, she turned back to her newest potential accomplice, “Wanna go snatch some apple buns from elder Hiro?”

The question seemed to throw him off, but he at least recovered quicker than last time. “Are we allowed to do that?”

“Nope!” She tossed his shirt back to him, not willing to wait for it to dry before raiding the old man’s pantry. It’s not like he didn’t have enough to share, and he’d always been one of the Senju’s rudest elders.

She wasn’t sure why she was surprised he didn’t move to follow her. But when she realized he wasn’t, she marched right back to him, hands on her hips. “Well?”

“I’m not stealing from someone.”

Touka wanted to argue with him, but something stopped her. Something darkened his tone and face, and he wasn’t looking at her anymore.

Damn, this boy was confusing. She scratched at her neck, racking her brain for something to distract him from whatever had dulled his eyes again.

“Well, do you wanna, I dunno...” They could always train, but she wasn’t really in the mood to pummel the shit out of him.  And besides, she’d just got his hair clean. They were at the river, though, which meant she could just dunk him in afterwards.

Her eyes widened as she glanced downstream, grinning as she remembered what she’d found just last week. “Have you ever seen a kappa, kid?”

“Demons aren’t real.” He almost snapped at her, and it was the loudest he’d spoken so far.

“You so sure about that? Cause I found one.”

He huffed, and the look resembled Hashirama’s pouting way too much for her sanity. “Demons aren’t real. It’s probably something else, and you just mistook it for one.”

“Maybe.” The look he sent her said quite clearly he wasn’t going to change his mind, so she shrugged. “Why don’t we go see it and you can tell me what it is then.”

In the end, that’s exactly what he did. Turns out he’d read up on the legends of kappa and had even visited the giant salamander when he did so. Much to her disappointment, he didn’t let her poke at it - really, she could have anyway, but there was just something about those red eyes that made his sadness effect her way more than it should.

It only took an hour or two for her to decide Tobirama was one of her people. When they went their separate ways for breakfast, she made sure to keep an eye on him until he left her sight, fully intending on watching his back from now on. And the next evening, when some unfortunate idiot decided to whisper shit about the demonic bastard Butsuma brought into their clan in earshot of her, she whistled joyfully as she made him eat his own teeth.