#she's changed a lot since i made her blog 2 years ago lol. but these are themes i explore with her in the au + how nikki handles them.

[vandalizedheart]

was looking at my old rp blog for metal sonic just to go down memory lane... i need everyone to appreciate how hard i cooked here.

[zukazukazuka]

Serika Toa to Retire on April 27, 2025

Long reflective navel-gazing and emotional processing under the cut.

tl;dr: If I had a nickel for every time I inadvertently planned a trip during a Soragumi taidan, I'd have two nickels.

Second nickel hurts way worse.

Inevitably, living on the opposite side of the world means I usually wake up to messages about these things before I actually see them for myself. I remember waking up on July 7, 2017 to things like "wow...hope you like Soragumi!" when her transfer was announced. It feels oddly prophetic that that year we inadvertently planned our trip to catch Asaka Manato's taidan show as well as Kiki's last Grand Theater show with Hanagumi. I cried a lot on that trip, honestly.

Once you start to immerse yourself, it's easy to get attached to your first round of top stars. We'd gotten to see Maasama and Soragumi in Elisabeth the year before, and I was sad she was leaving. Hanagumi was our home troupe, and my favorite actress was transferring. Both shows were incredible, and to this day SANTE!! remains my favorite revue of all time. I think we saw it some ridiculous amount of eight times, back when it was possible to have the privilege of satisfying your brainrot by waiting outside the Tokyo Theater at 5 AM in hopes of getting same-day tickets. I remember the utter devastation of seeing that show from the 4th row, of getting arrowed with a Kukochihiko stare from the silver bridge during her duet with Mirio that made me squirm in my seat. I remember how loud the audience was on senshuuraku in Tokyo, it felt like we were at a rock concert rather than a Takarazuka show, and how satisfying that was, despite the tears.

It's hard to believe that was seven years ago, which feels both so close (literally to a degree, as you don't have to scroll very far down this blog to get my live reaction posts lol) and somehow yet so far away (thanks COVID).

Two months ago, we bought tickets to go back to Japan in January, our first trip since 2019.

This morning I woke up to messages again.

And now apparently I've stumbled yet again into a Soragumi taidan, "my" taidan, which of course I knew ultimately was on the nearer horizon since June 2023, but could never have guessed how fraught everything in between would become.

I can't help but feel exceptionally, heartbreakingly sad.

I fell in love with Kiki from the very first time I set foot in Quatre Reves and saw her photo as Rudolf in 2014. She has always been my favorite since that day, and by the time she goes it will have been effectively 10 and a half years. 10 years, nibante under two long-running top stars, through pandemic closures and changes, and effectively 1.5 GT shows as top. In truth, I'd always prepared myself for a short run. 3 shows would've been just enough to give her 'decent' time without really feeling like they were just shoveling her off after so long as #2, although I would've been cranky about it. 4 or 5 would have been an ideal sweet spot. At this point, I'm sure 3 was always the initial plan, and I hope that had been satisfying for her going into things.

It just extra fucking sucks now.

Today I can't help but feel regret for falling off as much as I did after her transfer. I was able to see her in both of those 2019 trips, thankfully at least once on stage, but the double whammy of Mirio leaving and COVID closures made it feel a lot hard to stay connected to Takarazuka in general - which is ironic, given that I will never, ever not find it surreal to watch a raku livestream on my fucking couch at 12 AM. But I didn't watch as many as I could have. One of my favorite things had always been seeing iride photos on twitter, and it made me feel like even if I couldn't be there, I could still "keep up" with what was happening day to day. Unfortunately (or rather fortunately, given this last year) I am famously too lazy to make a lot of effort to read things in Japanese, even if Takarazuka helped improve it for a time. I have limited space and desire to buy dozens of GRAPHs or other magazines for interviews. I moved on to other interests, but always kept one finger on the pulse of things. At one point, as things went on longer and longer, I thought so many times "hey girl, if you wanna pull a MiyaRuri and bounce without making top, I fully respect and support that, even if I won't get to see you one last time."

Well.

I don't have much I want to say here about what happened last year, except that I hope such a horrendous tragedy does ultimately lead to a lot of reform at the revue. Unlike apparently most everyone, I didn't go digging around the internet for names and 'what really' happened (see: lazy, also not my fucking business). I don't know, I don't want to know, and at this point frankly I don't really care about anyone's particular opinion about the people involved, or whatever outcome they think should have happened.

But we are where we are, now.

Last week, in my naive hope that after we got through Escalier's break with no taidan announcement, I was guessing that she might yet go later next year. I'd been reading the schedule wrong and complaining about the possibility of a late summer taidan, because Japan is fucking horrendous in summer, only to realize that it would've really been October, which would be ideal, although truthfully I'm not sure I could have swung a second trip in one year. I'd been sad about not getting to see her possible ohirome during my favorite time of year, since I couldn't swing a trip last year. In hindsight, I'm glad it turned out as "lucking" into actually seeing taidan rather than potentially have booking a trip last fall and "wasting" it, and that I no longer have to worry about whether or not I get to see it. But it still really fucking sucks.

Part of what helps offset the hurt of an actress retiring, especially your actress, especially a top star, is the celebration of all that's come before. Coming in as a fan in 2014, I saw all of the photos and videos of the last day festivities of Teru and Chie, which continued through all of the others that left in subsequent years. I felt devastated for the top stars who left during the height of pandemic closures, who couldn't have that, and for fans who couldn't get to see it. I'm not even sure what taidans look like these days, as I'm sorry to say a consequence of only trailing vaguely along on the hype train for the past several years is that I haven't seen any taidan shows or bothered with social media to know if they do even a semblance of those last day activities, even for the troupe. It makes me sad to think that maybe those sorts of things are perhaps long gone, just generally. Even if they aren't, though, I doubt we'd get any of that, anyway.

So in absence of that element or really any other joy, all I can really feel is bitterly sad.

In truth, I have a lot of complex feelings about her whole run, and have for many years, but those aren't things I care to lay out here. Suffice it to say, this whole situation feels like icing on that whole cake, I guess.

As I was writing all of this, I realized that just because of timing and that we usually prioritized seeing grand theater shows over small ones, the only time I will have seen Kiki live in a lead show will be her last one. I realize that compared to many people I'm privileged to go at all, let alone the number of times I've already done so in the past, but I'm still utterly heartbroken.

At the end of Escalier last weekend, I'd been so happy to see a semblance of her old self again. Her jokes, her smile, which has always felt like sunshine to me. I can't ever know her real feelings, but I hope that maybe there is some relief for her, knowing there's an end in sight. I hope that despite everything, she can find a satisfying life after the fact, that she'll still be able to perform, if she wishes. At the end of it all, I do feel thankful for the things we do have, the experiences I've had up to this point. My one tiny silver lining is that Sakura is (supposedly, maybe, fingers crossed) hanging around, hopefully for a while, because she's an incredible powerhouse and deserves the world. I'm grateful to her for being Kiki's partner and radiating love at her on stage, and terribly looking forward to seeing that in person.

Anyway, time to go cry some more, and eventually write a letter.

[sailorstarr-chan4]

Of Kisses and Treasures

I meant to post this weeks ago.... Oh well lol. Here's part 2 of my 12 ship fics for 12 years of friendship project! @risingfire17-the-weeb-trash, here, you can finally share my Amuto trash on your blog lol. ❤

Posted on: AO3 Fandom: Shugo Chara! Pairing: Amuto (Amu/Ikuto) Word Count: 2,609 Rated: K+ Genre: Romance & Humor Setting: Post Shugo Chara! Doki Warning: Dubcon kissese (at first)

Disclaimer: Yes, this fic features Amuto. I am deliberately vague about their ages, so you can imagine them as closer-in-age teenagers, if you wish, but their dynamic is still inspired by canon. This fic was written out of love for my best friend, who adores this ship and has every right to. Don't like, don't read.

With that out of the way... Enjoy!

~~~

The showdown and aftermath of the final battle against Easter was so swift and confusing that Amu Hinamori collapsed on her bed in her clothes, finding it impossible to motivate herself to change. The revelations of everything, from Dia’s reappearance to Ikuto’s freedom from the corrupted violin, to the boss’s motivations…. It was all too much! 

Sitting up in bed, groggily kicking off her socks in a half-hearted effort to at least start getting ready for bed, Amu tried to wrap her mind around every major revelation. 

“This is all too much for my mind to hold in….” she grumbled without thinking. 

Luckily (and rather uncharacteristically), Amu’s three Guardian Characters intuitively understood her meaning. The three nodded to each other and flew to their Bearer, each with their own methods of helping her cope. 

“No worries, Amu-chan! Su will go fix you a nice, warm cup of tea!” Su squeaked cheerfully. She flew out of Amu's room (Amu didn’t bother closing her door, she was so out of commission after the battle).  Distantly, she wondered if her parents would notice floating ceramic tea cups and water boiling by itself, then dismissed it, remembering her parents were gone for the evening for their respective jobs, Ami in tow. Smiling wryly, Amu called out her thanks to Su. 

“Also, here!” Miki helpfully presented her Bearer a notepad and pencil. “Why don’t you write down everything that we found out tonight? It’ll help with the process of understanding it all.” 

“Go, go, Amu-chan! Amu-chan saved the dayyyyy!” Ran sang out in her usual fashion. 

“Thanks, Ran, Miki.” Amu sighed deeply, feeling Easter’s dismantled power and her Guardian Characters’s support lift a heavy weight off her shoulders. Regardless of how confusing the night’s events were, at least it was all over. She pulled her knees up to her chest, using them as support for her notepad, and jotted down a list: 

Easter’s “boss” was a seven-year-old boy, the grandchild of Ikuto and Utau’s stepfather

Said “boss” had been collecting shiny valuable jewels and demanded the Embryo because it looked interesting

Easter made countless X Eggs, tormented Ikuto, and nearly destroyed so many children’s dreams all for this petty reason. (That was something Amu could never forgive, but she mostly blamed the “boss’s” grandfather)

The “boss” (whose name was Hikaru, Amu needed to remember that) tossed away the long sought-after Embryo when its shine waned

Hikaru lost his own heart’s egg long ago and the “Embryo” they had spent the last year chasing was actually Hikaru’s heart egg, trying to return home?! 

Hikaru got his heart egg back and finally cried, something he had never been allowed to do since he was a baby 

Easter finally stopped all their nonsense and conceded defeat

Ran and Miki peered over Amu’s shoulder after Amu paused, pressing the eraser end of her pencil against her chin.  

“That’s a lot of information to take in at once,” Miki commented dryly. 

“Tell me about it,” Amu groaned, rubbing her other hand through her hair. “I feel like my head won’t stop spinning!” 

Her two Guardian Characters hummed thoughtfully, then Ran gasped. 

“But wait! Amu-chan! You forgot something very important!” 

“Huh? I did? I’m pretty sure I got the basics, at least when it comes to Easter-rrr….” 

But Amu trailed off as Ran took hold of another pencil and clumsily sketched out a large but distinct addition underneath Amu’s list. 

Ikuto kissed Amu-chan!! (★^O^★) 

“EHHHHHHHH?!?!” 

The notepad, pencils, and Guardian Characters went flying as Amu shrieked at the top of her lungs, flailing her arms and legs. Ran and Miki squealed in alarm as they went spinning, but Amu paid them no heed, her cheeks burning as she flusteredly snatched the nearest pillow and burrowed her face into it. 

“D-d-d-doesn’t count! He– he was only t-t-teasing me! Like he always does! The pervy cat! The stupid stray! That creepy jerk–!” 

“Now, now, if you’re gonna insult me, at least get more creative.” 

Amu froze. A shiver of horror slid down her spine. She knew that voice. She knew that voice quite, er, intimately, considering she spent many, many, embarrassingly long days holding him up in her room…. 

But that didn’t stop her from freaking out. She jerked up her head to glare at the object of her ire, mortification written all over her face. 

“IKUTO?! Wh-what are you doing here?!” 

Par of the course, Ikuto was leaning casually against her patio door, shamelessly smirking, like he owned the place! In just mere hours after gaining his long-awaited freedom, he looked healthier than he had been for months. His eyes no longer had the telltale bags underneath, and he was much steadier on his feet. In which, he was far too steady as he strode across the threshold and picked up Amu’s notepad from off the floor—

Leaping out of bed, Amu scrambled to snatch it back, but Ikuto, the cheating bastard, held it high out of reach, using his other hand to hold a flustered and angry Amu in place as she fruitlessly pushed against the palm firmly on her forehead. 

“My, my….” he purred in that despicably knowing way he always did whenever he teased her. He pretended to consult the list carefully, ignoring Amu’s shrieks and groans of effort to free herself from him holding her back. “You are such a kid. One little peck on the cheek and you added it to your special list–” 

“DON’T PATRONIZE ME, YOU-YOU-YOU SONUVA—” 

 “Ah, ah, ah, language. Do you kiss your mom with that mouth?” Ikuto was grinning openly now. If Amu had been paying attention (as if she could, through her utter humiliation!), she would have noticed that Ikuto’s eyes were surprisingly soft and tender looking down at her. 

As it stood, she was too busy blushing furiously and stammering to even notice Ran and Miki in the background, consulting with Yoru, who looked thoroughly amused. 

“I bet you’re glad you’re back with your Bearer, Yoru-kun,” Miki said. 

“Nya! Yoru is beyoooond glad-nya!” Yoru beamed happily, looking away from watching Ikuto teasing Amu. “But other than missing Ikuto, I always knew he was okay, deep down.” 

“Really? How come? You always seemed awfully worried…” Ran asked curiously, tilting her head. 

“Well, ya see-nya, if Ikuto had really gone to the bad side or had given up, I would have disappeared, right? Or at least got an X on my egg. But I didn’t! Nya, I searched for Ikuto and never once felt like I was gonna disappear or anything, cuz Ikuto is a good guy-nya!” Yoru spoke with so much pride and happiness, that even Amu was temporarily distracted from her fight for her dignity. 

“Really? You never gave up on Yoru, Ikuto…?” 

Ikuto removed his hand from Amu’s forehead, ruffled her hair, and handed her back her notepad. He put his hands in his pockets in his usual Brooding Fashion, and spoke in a would-be nonchalant manner, but his words sent Amu’s heart racing. 

“Yoru was staying with you, wasn’t he?” 

Did…. did this mean what Amu thought it meant….? Did Ikuto essentially Amu with his heart—? 

Shaking her head abruptly to get that thought out, Amu blustered and crossed her arms, putting on her Cool and Spicy act. “Well, I had no choice! Yoru is just like his owner, always crashing in my room without a word of consent from me!” 

Ran, Miki, and Yoru sighed discontentedly. Why was Amu so stubborn? 

At that moment, Su came flying up with a tray magically floating, holding several evening time snacks, a steaming teapot, and two cups, plus four miniature doll cups, no doubt borrowed from Ami’s dollhouse. 

“I heard Amu screaming and a boy’s voice and thought we must have company from Ikuto-kun and Yoru-kun!” Su announced happily to the room, oblivious to Amu’s furious blush and Ran and Miki’s giggles. “Here we go! Please, have some tea, Ikuto-kun! It’s been far too long!” 

“Thank you, Su-chan. You are far more reasonable than your loud-mouth owner–” 

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING LOUD-MOUTH?!” 

“Ugggggghhhhhh, this is getting painful….” Miki groaned, running her hands over her face. She turned to her fellow Character Guardian. “Ran, can you please do us all a favor and make Amu tell the truth?” 

For a moment, Ran blinked in confusion. Then, Su, who already set down the tray while Ikuto and Amu continued bickering, joined the conversation. “Oooh, yes, Ran! I don’t believe you ever Character Changed in front of Ikuto!” 

Something finally clicked into place in Ran’s head, and she gasped excitedly. “All right! Here we goooooo! Character Change from a Stubborn Girl to a Girl Who Expresses Her Feelings!” 

Sure enough, Amu’s hair clip magically changed into a heart shape with a cute “popping” sound. 

“Ikutooooooo, why didn’t you kiss me on the lips?! You had the perfect opportunity and you waaaaaasted it! Pleeeeeease gimme a real kiss!! Oh please! Oh please! Oh please!” 

Amu danced about the room, laughing joyfully, squealing, and running over to the very visibly startled Ikuto to lean down and give him the most eager puppydog eyes in existence. 

But of course, because her Character Change was with the enthusiastic Ran, despite her requests for kisses, Amu couldn’t stay still, hopping and jumping about the room, shouting out her love, squealing and spewing heart shapes everywhere. 

“Amu-chan….” Miki sighed. Su could only blush and hide her face in her apron. Ran, on the other hand, was so caught up in Amu’s physical hyperactiveness that she seemed to not notice her Bearer’s exceedingly bold and shocking confession, and only continued to cheer her on. 

(Yoru was busy drinking tea and munching on snacks to notice anything out of place.) 

Ikuto was the first one to snap out of it. He smirked. 

“If you insist,” he said in his usual smooth tone, standing up and catching Amu by the wrist and pulling her close…. and kissed her! 

Ran, Miki, and Su all screamed, causing Yoru to choke on his drink. 

Amu’s Character Change disappeared instantly, her eyes widening as she realized how close Ikuto’s face was to her own…. 

And wait….. was something…. against her mouth…..? It was warm and soft and….. Amu’s eyes fluttered closed, lost in the moment to comprehend anything alarming. 

The room around them disappeared, shimmering with a thousand radiant stars and hearts. Ikuto’s arm snaked around Amu’s waist and tugged her closer. Amu felt as if her legs were filled with jelly, only held up by Ikuto’s embrace. Who knew kissing would be so…. 

WAIT, WHAT?! KISSING?!?! 

Quickly she broke the kiss, gasping for breath. “I-I-I-Ikutooooo! How did — how dare you–?!” 

Further protests were smothered by another kiss. Amu’s whole body seemed to light on fire, but in… a pleasant sort of way. She only felt that way whenever Ikuto did other things to her in the past: biting her earlobe, holding her close in bed, lifting her up bridal style…. Amu whimpered against Ikuto’s lips (against Ikuto’s lips!) and found herself clinging to him, sliding her arms up his chest and clasping behind his neck as the kiss deepened, wondering how on earth she was supposed to live on knowing what this…. this…. this adult feeling was like! 

Finally, their kiss ended, and even Ikuto looked rather flushed. They stood, panting a little, gazing into each other’s eyes. 

“There. You finally came back down to Earth.” Ikuto’s tone was unusually hoarse, his indigo eyes burning intensely. 

“Th-thank you, I guess,” Amu gasped, feeling rather shaken by the intensity of his stare. Her knees wobbled heavily, threatening to give out any second. She clasped her hands tighter about Ikuto’s neck, longing to taste his lips again, but feeling far too flushed to do anything other than stare at the glistening moisture on his lips, knowing that she had caused that. “I— I don’t know what to say.” 

“If it makes you feel better, that was my first, too.” 

“Oh, was it —- EHHHHHHHHH?!” 

“Well. Only if you don’t count Utau being weird last year, which I really rather not count—” 

“W-W-W-W-WHOA WHOA WHOA, HOLD THE PHONE!” Amu shoved Ikuto away so hard, he toppled over one of her cushion chairs. 

“Your first kiss?! YOU?! Ikuto Tsukiyomi?! Y-y-you womanizing, perverted, flirtatious—” 

“Nice, insulting the guy who just kissed you within an inch of your life.” 

“---- all those times!! Flirting with me! A-a-and touching me! And m-making me f-feel things–!” 

“Oh, really? Do tell me more.” 

“SH-SHUT UP! YOU GET MY POINT, RIGHT?! How?! HOW?! Can that possibly be your first–?!” 

“Oh, just get over here,” Ikuto stood up and scooped up Amu in his arms, crossing over the room and sitting on her bed, positioning Amu so she was straddling his lap, her hands on his shoulders, looking down into his face. “Yes, you are my first real kiss, and yes, people can do other things besides kissing to know how to flirt, and I believe you are hot as hell for me right now, so why don’t you shut up and kiss me the way you want to?” 

Amu didn’t think it was possible to be more shocked, or to feel her body blaze up with that pleasant fire even more so, but gazing down at this mysterious, hot (yes, she could at least admit it now, after… everything), confusing, frustrating, lonely boy, she found herself ready to find out anything. 

“Ikuto…” she sighed, leaning down and meeting his lips, settling herself firmly in his lap as they expressed themselves at long last. 

~ 

Meanwhile, Ran, Miki, Su, and Yoru left the lovebirds alone, utterly embarrassed and unsure of how to respond. They eventually settled in the living room downstairs, hovering over the coffee table by the TV. 

Finally, after an uncomfortable silence, Miki spoke first. “W-well, Amu-chan is finally being, uh, honest….” 

“Y-y-yeah! Amu-chan spent too long being uncertain and confused and now she’s growing into the person she wants to be! Hehe…. yeahhhh….” Ran said in a half-hearted attempt of her usual boisterous mood, but trailed off, blushing furiously. 

“I think it’s so romantic, having her first kiss!” Su said happily. 

(The others sweated nervously, realizing Su was the only one oblivious of just how hot and heavy those two were getting it on.) 

“Ya know-nya, this is a lonnnnng time comin’,” Yoru said at last. “Ikuto has wanted to kiss Amu since the day they met.” 

“EHHHHHHH?!” Amu’s three Character Guardians exclaimed, all rounding on Yoru. 

“And you never told us?!” 

“Imagine how much heartache we could have avoided!” 

“Oh my! A kiss the day they met! How exciting!” 

“Ha!” Yoru scoffed. “Like telling y’all would’ve gone over well-nya! Amu-chan,” he added thoughtfully, “Amu-chan is…. Ikuto’s treasure. The only girl for Ikuto. So he was willing to wait, no matter how long it took. It just so happened that YOUR Character Change,” he rounded on Ran, who babbled nervously, “sped things up and now Ikuto is gonna feel bad!” 

“Ehhhhh?! B-b-b-but Miki told me to!” 

“Yeah, cuz I expected a confession, not a make-out session!” 

The three bickered and squabbled, while Su looked up towards the stairs leading to Amu’s room. Sure enough, another joined them, Dia, who had been resting in her egg during the earlier events, now looked far too pleased with herself to be anywhere near as embarrassed as the rest of them. 

“What makes you look so happy, Dia?” Su asked, flying up to greet her. 

Dia smiled serenely. “It’s more than just kisses going on upstairs. Amu-chan is opening her heart to Ikuto, and he, in turn, is doing the same. Her radiance is healing his heart.” 

[darker-overlord]

whoa, she launched!

happy launch day, kayo! she's my little pookie i love her so much that i bully her constantly through the narrative

in honor of today, i'll be dumping some REALLY old doodles (really old = two-three months ago) when i started working on her! unlike most of my dumps, i'll be describing and giving more context to the drawings! think of it as a little timeline of her development :D

*the oc blog is @lilies-and-forget-me-nots .. i forgor

drawing 1: our earliest kayo?!

this was dated january 17 2023. yeah. 2023. this year.

geez, was that really my art style just three months ago?

yes, unfortunately. though i'll attribute the fact that kayo looks 12 here mostly to the fact that i was still getting used to using an ipad to draw--still, you can really see that i had her design 90% down from the start. just changed her parting a little and removed the flower accessory + little ombre(?) in her hair.

at first, she was going to be a LOT closer to yui, but then if she was, she would've intervened as early as more blood, which was not something i was aiming for. plus, isn't it more fun thinking that she barely knows her (and yet pulls the stunt of taking her place for her sake... what a loser)

also, at first, she was going to just be straight up meaner for no reason. like literally just the worst person you can think of, but a problem with that is that she would definitely get killed if she was just horrible and toxic. plus, that was kind of boring on my end as well, so she kind of turned into a meowmeow.

adding to the old concept though, all her endings were supposed to be bad endings! then i scrapped that really quickly when i changed her personality...

drawing 2: our earliest hunter!

same day as the first drawing... yeouch.

as you can see, her hair was supposed to be a lot neater--and flatter--as a hunter. the cross clip is a lot smaller, and her palette was all over the place. like come on, why is her coat pink??

speaking of which, i changed hunter kayo to being a little messier than her old version because of a change in personality. this proto-hunter kayo still feels emotions very well. in fact, even more intensely than bride kayo. she's constantly angry--for what she went through as a young girl, for losing her eye--just a lot of things.

kind of funny that her personality pulled a 180 lawl

drawing 3: early outfit dump

i made the file for this drawing on january 19, but i believe i updated it as late as early march.

as you can see, it's really just outfit concepts. most of them are the same as the current outfit concept art--thanks to, well, me updating this file until march. you might be familiar with the three on the right, and the lost eden + dark fate outfit is practically the same as the one i posted. the hdb/mb outfit changed the most out of those three: i suctioned it to kayo's body to emphasize her figure more lol (i am the biggest kayo simp in the end)

as for the first two, you can see they were labelled for chaos lineage and lunatic parade! the chaos lineage outfit is probably already like 90% down for me, but the lunatic parade one is peculiar because, well, i scrapped it entirely. it's a cute outfit, for sure, but i didn't think it was kayo's style in the end. perhaps it might get the same hdb/mb outfit treatment and get tweaked to match her better, but i think her current lunatic parade design is solid!

drawing 4: early cg concepts

this was dated feb 25!

honestly, this is still really good, and i'm still planning on adding this scenario to laito's route. it's just that, once again, kayo is suffering from the bug-eyed twelve year old syndrome i was going through since january. plus i was (still am) bad at drawing men, so laito kind of came out looking like a really strange looking lady lol. it's so embarrassing i even had to crop it out.

drawing(s) 5: whoa sailor outfits?!

i actually drew this just two weeks after the last one--march 10th! you can clearly see my art style shifting at this point; i'm starting to think it's the switch from sketching with a soft brush to a hard brush.

this was, if you didn't already guess, in honor of the aquamarine series! of course, there are two: one for the hunter and one for the bride!

i have this running theme of "what would reiji (biggest discreet pervert) make bride kayo wear?" and that man loves his kayo legs, so naturally she had to wear thigh highs and an awkwardly short skirt. at least hunter kayo got away with just a crop top.

you can see something hanging on the hunter's waist--it's actually a demon hunting relic!

drawing 6: hunter kayo in ryotei au cgs?!

very recent drawing--dated march 29!

now, hunter kayo actually doesn't attend ryotei at any point of the series. it just so happens that i thought she'd look really hot in the uniform, and ta-da--i made an au! being an au, it's not canon, but i like to think she has a small route with shuu that doesn't really end well as you'd expect.

still, the sight of her kissing him as he bites on her knife is very very cool. keep up the good work hunter!

drawing 7: late highschool kayo!

the final doodle--dated less than a week ago!

this is really just kayo in high school after seiji's treatment of her started getting to her properly. i wonder what she's praying and why...

BONUS 1: CATGIRL KAYO!!

i was in the middle of making this post when a certain catboy-baiter (@poohwhin side eyes...) posted................

i love humans with animal features (i.e. not humanoid animals aka what you'd typically think of when you think of furries...) and genshin already devastated me with not only keqing but DEHYA being fake catgirls, so to recover emotionally i naturally made kayo a catgirl. ougggg she's so cute

BONUS 2: a kayoyui route?!

Yes. and it's finished. i just have to make the cgs and post it.

i mostly made it as a kind of exercise in making routes, since, well, i have to start making a lot. it only has five individual scenarios in the dark, manic, and ecstasy section, but it still has a prologue and epilogue. there are also only two endings!

it also serves to delve a bit more into the hunter's character, since bride kayo is the main focus of the blog. let's give her a little love, yknow!! even if she can't give any back...

[kiratheperson]

I posted 24,119 times in 2022

That's 21,589 more posts than 2021!

8 posts created (0%)

24,111 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@bobo-the-part-time-clown

@elytrians

@edelgard-enjoyer

@fardf150

@ziseviolet

I tagged 2,185 of my posts in 2022

#goncharov - 549 posts

#unreality - 324 posts

#aesthetic - 250 posts

#save - 243 posts

#overgrown aesthetic - 43 posts

#dracula - 41 posts

#dracula daily - 38 posts

#<- prev tags - 18 posts

#this is beautiful - 16 posts

#me - 15 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i could have gotten ‘total loser of a guy who will never amount to anything’ as a result and it would have been less devastating then this

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

changed my theme >:)

0 notes - Posted May 10, 2022

#4

I think u may be stuck on the dashboard of 4 days ago but u should know that martin scorsese himself reacted to goncharov 😳

Yes I do know!!!! It’s amazing this is peak goncharov

The reason Im reblogging posts from 4 days ago is cuz I hit the post limit in like 4 hours on the first day of goncharov and then I filled up my queue with at least 400 goncharov posts. In addition to the normal posts. So now I have 500 posts in my queue. I regret nothing.

2 notes - Posted November 26, 2022

#3

omg that’s adorable I love it

how has your day been btw?

2 notes - Posted October 26, 2022

#2

hey feel free to answer this privately or just . ignore it + I'm not sure how to phrase this well but ... are u Asian ? (LMAO) I don't see a lot of queer Asian ppl in my specific tumblr circle so I'm always happy and surprised when I see other asian ppl on here . sorry if this is a weird question ✋🥲

Yeah I'm Chinese!!! Dw, I'm cool with this kinda question, you know since it's in good faith and all. And I get it cuz it's always awesome to see other queer Asians :D

2 notes - Posted September 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Hello, I'm once again asking you about your OCs because I'm curious! I hope that's okay? Who are Iphi and Jack? I love the first one's name. And if I remember right Jack is aro? That's neat, I haven't really seen a lot of aro characters before! /pos

Thank you for the ask!!! Sorry this is pretty late btw, I haven’t had time to answer it lol

(That’s Iphi on the left, Jack on the right. First is a picrew, second isn’t my art but like. I haven’t drawn Jack yet so that’s kinda their ref for now)

But it is rant time!! Imma start with Iphi! Because I kinda need to explain her to give context for Jack’s lore. 

So Iphi is the god of sacrifice in this little fantasy world I made, Kunyang! She’s a pretty old god, a couple of thousand years old, but she’s still the second youngest one lol.

In Kunyang, gods are born when they sprout from the seeds of the god tree. The god tree is in the divine realm, which is a different realm entirely from the physical realm, but very rarely, a god seed can arrive in the physical realm.

Anyways, this seed fell into the hands of a very magically powerful person. They had magic potential that could honestly rival a god- and yeah, they believed they were destined for great things because of it. So, they were determined to be the person who caused the god seed to sprout.

So in Kunyang, there was once this library called the Archives, run by the god of knowledge himself, Ephius. This person went to Ephius, and they were told that the seed was for the god of sacrifice. Ephius told the person that to sprout a god seed, they’d need sacrifices from thousands of people. This person wanted to do it, all by themself.

And so, they sacrificed everything. Family, friends, fortune, and fame. All gone, in the hopes of making a legacy. The seed did not sprout, because it wasn’t enough. So this person decided that they would need to make a very big sacrifice, one big enough to make the seed sprout.

They decided to banish the Archives from the physical realm into the divine realm, sacrificing humanity’s access to the library of all knowledge. And that was indeed a big enough sacrifice to give birth to a new god!

And that’s how Iphi was created. But the thing is- that’s really not how you’re supposed to create a god. So she was kind of corrupted from birth. This corruption prevented her from having a lot of character traits that one might consider important to being human.

Iphi does not feel happiness, or satisfaction. No sorrow or regret. Nothing of that sort. But she is working towards a goal: and that is creating a legacy. Having an effect on the world. (Her only contributor to her creation imprinted heavily on her.)

And because of that, she is very active in all manners of sacrifice. Every day, she’s constantly getting people to make sacrifices to her, amassing followers in many different lands. This also increases her powers heavily.

The way her powers work, they’re kinda like payment based. She gets someone to sacrifice something for her, and she can create something else of equal value to that something. (The more important that something was to the person who sacrificed it, the more she can create and do.) Like, she could make a giant wall of fire, or acid rain, or bury a country in gold if she had enough magic. Which she absolutely does. But she mostly saves the magic potential she receives for later.

And also, Iphi doesn’t truly care about anything other than making a mark on the world. She doesn’t mind if people die or suffer because her sacrifices took something too important- if anything, she wants to do that, because it’s quite a way of making your mark on the world.

Oh, and I gotta add- she can’t do this all without a little help! And that’s where Jack comes in.

They’re also a couple thousand years old, but quite younger than Iphi. So they used to be a court jester. Mortal and everything. They should have had a life of a normal length, be just another person in the world, but then they fell in love with Iphi.

And yeah they’re aromantic! It’s not romantic love, it’s alterous love. But yeah they felt a deep emotional attraction, and they wanted to be in a relationship (not a romantic or platonic one though). Anyways, Iphi doesn’t feel the same way. She doesn’t love Jack. But she thought it was convenient to have someone in love with her, and to keep them around, so she offered Jack a sacrifice.

She’d give them eternity, and they would be her servant.

Jack honestly didn’t want to do that at first, but then they had a near-death experience, and agreed to her terms.

So Iphi took their physical body, and also their independence.

Because it would be inconvenient if her servant got bored or wanted to take back the sacrifice. So Jack quite literally cannot think unless she wills it. They’re barely conscious until Iphi needs them, and only then can they think again.

Jack isn’t even aware this happens. To them, it feels like they just woke up, or they just simply forgot what happened during that time

Iphi also messed with Jack’s mind a bit, to amplify their devotion. And yeah, Jack is completely, utterly devoted to her. They would die for her, they’d be tortured for her, they would kill for her too. Nothing is off the table. They’d do anything she says. And they truly love her.

Jack mostly stays in the divine realm, usually, until Iphi sends them to the physical realm to do something for her. That something is usually extorting people to get more sacrifices. Jack pretty much curses people, and then offers to remove that curse in exchange for a sacrifice. (That’s how Janessa got cursed, actually [have I talked about her?] but Jack forgot they cursed her lmao.)

Anywayssss there is some more lore, but this is pretty fucking long already lmao so Imma just end this here. Unless you’d like to hear more!!

3 notes - Posted September 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lagringalatinaincolombia]

Chapter 2: Barranquilla 

Welcome to La Arenosa! Obviously I have not kept up with my blog in such a long time... que pena con ustedes. 

Two years ago today (tonight to be more exact) marks one of the worst nights in my life and it’s really had me reflecting for the past week. Mostly, about how dramatically my life has changed in the span of two years. And how I truly believe that moving to Colombia saved my life. That may seem like a wild ass statement but I truly feel that this opportunity has given me more life when death was staring me right in the eyes. This evening two years ago, I promised to my dad at his bedside that I was moving to Colombia. I wasn’t going to disappoint him and made sure that no matter how much it hurt, I needed to keep moving forward even if it meant alone.

Since then I have had the most amazing and eye-opening experience living in Colombia. An experience I could have never even imagined. There has been the good, the pretty and the ugly but every single moment has been so influential in the person I am today.

This year has brought me so many more responsibiltiies as a serve as a mentor for the first-year teachers here on the Caribbean coast of the country. And God knew what he was doing when he placed them in my life because every single one of them has brought me so much joy being able to see them embark on this journey and fall in love with this beautiful country.

Here are some of the things that popped up on my Colombian Bingo card:

first and foremost, survived Carnaval

got robbed at Theatron but dragged la ladrona from her hair and got my phone back 

been extorted by a really hot guy I met on Bumble ._.

fainted on Isla Grande from having just a granola bar, some herb and beer for breakfast when it was 35°C

juggled multiple costeño men and learned they are a whole other breed 

saw Don Omar live last week!

made multiple friends from Paris? and now need to visit in the near future!

discovered my undying love for Vallenato and Checo Acosta

As of today, I have visited about half of the departments in Colombia and have met so many really cool people along the way. With the exception of my most recent roomate, Zhamara, who kicked me out of our apartment with a week’s notice and then proceeded to reject my request that she return part of my rent for the last month.... Otherwise it has all been peachy!

Now, I am currently living alone, for the first time in my entire life, in the neighborhood of El Prado. I have decided that although I love living with other people, las costeñas here are not my biggest fans lol. Which is honestly understandable, there is a lot of me to love :) 

Anyways, I still have a few months left here in Colombia before my visa expires and I have to return back to Texas. I have no idea what awaits for me back home and what I’ll do next but that’s what excites me the most! Now, I feel like I can literally do anything and succeed because of everything I’ve learned during this period in my life. All I know is that I look forward to finally reuniting with my beautiful mom and sweet hermanito. I’ll let the wind take me wherever it blows... maybe even back to Colombia?

[ytdn]

I posted 5,621 times in 2022

That's 2,416 more posts than 2021!

9 posts created (0%)

5,612 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@cop-disliker69

@triviallytrue

@clarabosswald

@moonpaw

@sneakyfeets

I tagged 5,578 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#lol - 3,187 posts

#yes - 526 posts

#tolkien - 328 posts

#star wars - 292 posts

#important - 184 posts

#rings of power - 174 posts

#cute - 172 posts

#my hero academia - 166 posts

#bts - 158 posts

#pretty - 136 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#i do think celebrian is already born in the show but itll be revealed shes so estranged from her mother they havent talked for centuries

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

🔮 💍 🏆 🤣 🔥 👽 🔮

- the good wizard

0 notes - Posted April 1, 2022

#4

Changed my avatar to be more recognisable to twitter friends

1 note - Posted April 25, 2022

#3

It's funny following so many ppl from twitter and seeing who just made a tumblr and who has been here forever, silently (like me lol)

8 notes - Posted November 18, 2022

#2

MHA 341 SPOILERS

Man I can see it now

Toga has Twice's blood

She goes after Hawks for revenge

Turns into Twice into front of him

His carefully crafted hero mask he's been wearing since the War arc ended shatters

It's gonna be GREAT

21 notes - Posted January 20, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Endeavor’s (potential) death and Bojack Horseman

SPOILERS FOR MY HERO ACADEMIA CHAPTER 350//

So seeing a lot of discussion about Endeavor and what he deserves - should he die, should he be in jail etc. And honestly I’m ruling out him going to jail since japanese cultural norms don’t seem to see familial abuse as a going-to-jail crime (still pretty nasty though) and none of his family have brought it up (I also think it wouldn’t be the right thing for his family anyway for reasons I’ll get to later).

So, death.

I think if he does die it won’t be from Touya killing him. Enji is too much of a focus character to be killed like that, and it would represent the “failure” of his character arc. He’s a man who wants to redeem himself from his failure as a father, and the biggest failure is his neglect of Touya leading him to plot to kill him. For both Touya and Enji’s character arcs to end in “success”, Touya can’t succeed in his villainous goals. Touya himself can’t die either (because he WANTS to die) so lets rule out any murder-suicides.

So, if Enji does die, it would be in saving his children. And I think the child he has to save primarily is Touya. He looked away from Touya 10 years ago, so he has to look at him now (even though the plot currently has him far away from Touya there’s enough highlighting of this fact to know it will be corrected at some point). I’ve seen some people suggesting (mostly on reddit) that he’ll die saving Shoto from Touya but that wouldn’t be a “success” - it’ll just be seen by Touya as him putting Shoto above him. So while he can save Shoto, he has to save Touya as well.

And this would be a “success” for his character arc and Touya’s character arc in many ways (and Shoto to a lesser extent but I feel like Shoto’s arc with Enji is different and mostly resolved at this point)! He would show in one great act that he can put his children’s lives above his (his original sin being putting his own ambitions over the welfare of his children) and it would match the foreshadowing of his dream where his family are eating happily around the table but he isn’t there with them,

BUT! I don’t think this would be the best resolution, and this is where Bojack Horseman comes in.

So for people who don’t know, Bojack Horseman is an adult cartoon about a depressed alcoholic horse (sounds weird but it’s actually really good)

SPOILERS FOR BOJACK HORSEMAN

So, both Bojack and his best friend Diane have abusive parents - for Bojack, his mother, for Diane, her father. And over the series both parents die. And there’s one episode, Free Churro, where Bojack attends his mothers funeral and gives a eulogy (its a great episode and can be watched standalone).

And one of the great things about the episode is it addresses the difficulty in mourning an abusive parent. Bojack talks about Diane’s father, how she felt sad when he died even though “she never even liked the guy” because it meant the chance of him ever being a good father was gone forever. Bojack himself talks about how on her deathbed his mother looked at him and said “I see you” - and those words both made him very happy but also very angry. Because his mother finally acknowledged him, but at the same time she waited until the last moment to do it. He realised she could have done that the entire time, but didn’t, which meant she actively chose to be a bad mother his entire life until then.

And going back to MHA, I think this is where the issue with Enji dying as a “solution” comes. Because his whole character arc is him realising he could have been a good father the entire time, but put his ambition first every time. So him “Seeing” Touya and then promptly biting it- no, it doesn’t work, and leaves a hole in the Todoroki family. Because despite Enji thinking that the only way to atone is to seperate from his family, that isn’t the real solution. Obviously he needs to give his family freedom and space - Natsuo for example doesn’t want anything to do with his dad. But on the other hand as Rei said, “running away” was his sin. He needs to be their for his family, and ESPECIALLY Touya. He doesn’t get to run away this time, especially not by dying.

48 notes - Posted April 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[nfumbewalk]

Still A Devotee...💀

Cool picture that I took. I know Santa Muerte had something to do with it...

I've been contemplating about my relationship with Santa Muerte more recently. And I just realized how long its been since I've known her. Since I was 8 years old. 36 years. Wow. Most of my life. I met her June 23, 1988. She gave me the date. The day before my uncle Bill's wedding, she came in an extremely lucid dream or vision. I've told my story to others.

Its short. Santa Muerte came to me in her La Negra form, which is not as common. She came to the side of my bed and lifted me without moving herself. Just like she doesn't move her mandible when she speaks. She then just carries me through my bedroom wall and window. And that's it. I felt so safe in her arms. She was gentle and had her abuela energy about her. I said before, she's my grandma, not the highly mistaken "sugar skull" painted "La Catrina" that ppl love during this season. Two different gals ppl!!

When I met Santa Muerte at 24, during my coma, I knew there had to be a big change coming. It didn't come until the end of the year, when I performed a 💖soul mate💖 ritual. The ritual was seasonal, Winter Solstice, the Rite to Belial. I met him in *2 days.*

And he's actually my twin flame, not my soul mate. Its, by far, NOT an easy relationship. Lots of turbulence, bickering, difficulty & hard times. The rest is passion, intense love & devotion, joy, and undaunted desire & monogamy. It has been 20 years now! Twin flame relationships don't always last this long. Tom & I are both too stubborn to give up!! 😅 Two Aquarians! Lol!!

Though...I'm no longer a Demonolator (Demon worshipper), I still feel obligated to certain Demons for helping me. But my feeling is that I need to let that go. The Demons don't care. They really don't.

Back to Santa Muerte!! I'm really feeling great about this love 💖 trabajo! I've got some of it planned, but need more plans set. I have a powder I need to make, an oil, a mojo bag and a talisman river stone to be decorated with a personal sigil.

About my different relationship with Santa Muerte: I'm a devotee. I don't talk about it all of the time, because there have been times that she's not been in my focus. Like, no altar to her. Did she mind? Yes, she does. But was she mad? No. From what she tells me, she just lets me do what I need to and she knows I'll come back to her cos I always have and always will.

She loves me like my abuela. Does your grandma stop loving you if you don't see her for a while? No! The other odd thing about my relationship with Santa Muerte is that I don't pray to her. Nothing I hate more than begging prayers!! Not for me! 😠

How do I work with her then? Without prayers? I use focused statements and turn them into chants. Several of them - one chant that honors Santa Muerte as well. This is very powerful and it builds energy like a 'cone of power' that is released at the end of the ritual.

What, the cone of power is now just Wiccan? Hmm. I learned it long, long, long ago as just Witchcraft. Oh, it's Gardnerian too, or British? OMFG. It's just a technique that works. I came upon it at 13 years old. Did it with my "coven" of girlfriends. It was awesome. Fuck, dude. I did start out with Wicca. But, shit has charged, hardcore!

Typically, I use my ligature cord with my chants to Santa Muerte too. I go through seven knots as I chant. Seven is her number, as she told me. I think I saw that in a book too. Ligature is my fav. I'm known as "Knot Witch." Knots are extremely powerful! You can end lives with them, if the intent & focus is raw & hate is strong. I'm thinking of learning the knots that those in the Navy do. I'm very serious about ligature!! 😊 Though my hands are becoming crippled.

Anyways, this post is way too long. I need to post here: hexehaus.tumblr.com with some recipes & maybe some spells from my old book. It's mostly Demonic related. Wanna say why here:

I made my secondary blog Demon related because I'm going through a purge. I'm getting rid of my past this way because the cut & clear ritual that I did wasn't enough, apparently. I'm still holding onto pain.

Getting this private information out of my grimiores is helping. I'm starting to feel lifting from my shoulders & a lightening from my solar plexus. Thank God (yes, one God, I'm not pagan anymore) I got this idea from Biffy!! My ONLY Demon associate.

Can I be called a Christian? Loosely, yes. I don't pray or attend church but I believe in God and do believe the Jesus stuff. Yes. I do read the Bible, a bit to my muerto and I'm reading about Jesus' life & his whole story. I'm getting a crucifix for the wall behind Rodolfo's altar - his request. Rodolfo influenced me to look more into God & Jesus.

I sound confused but I'm not at all. Really happy with my spiritual lifestyle.😊

M.M. 💖💀💖

[slytherinshua]

Sorry I meant to reply to your last message (I have a terrible habit of being social and then go radio silent for like a week after ahaha). I listened to a few of Hyunsang's songs and oh my goodness, genuinely is he ok?? They were really good and I loved them, but all the ones I heard were so sad?? Does he need a hug?? Who do I have to beat up?

Your post about people is so true though, it's honestly so hard to make friendships (or even just be nice to some people tbh). Sometimes you just don't vibe with a person, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I mean irl, there is someone in my friend group who I just don't vibe with at all, but all of my friends really like him and enjoy hanging out w him. It is quite hard sometimes to be friendly ahaha (it does make me feel like a horrible person tbh, but what can you do? But I think the whole thing of how he got into our friend group is a bit strange. Without context it sounds bad, but I promise it is genuinely kinda weird lol). But definitely if you ever find that our convo is too dry or weird, don't hesitate to tell me!! I think sometimes you have to prioritise your comfort and if the other person is willing to change, then that's probably a good sign!

I hope you are doing well! (I watched another clip from a Lucy concert and got jealous of you again 😡)

lol don’t worry at all!! LMAO STOP IJBOL 😭😭😭 it’s so true whenever i listen to hyunsang im like WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS BOY?? imagine debuting with an ep titled “my poor lonely heart” AND EXPECTING PPL TO THINK UR FINE DIDJKS 😭😭 and if you watch any live performances or his covers HIS EYES LOOK SO SAD WHILE HE SINGS LIKE HE COULD CRY AT ANY MOMENT ☹️☹️☹️ so literally when he smiles I melt so much cause I’m not used to it anyway he’s so cute and I love him and his emo music and pretty voice 🥹🥹

yeah I feel it a lot lately cause I always want to be nice to everyone especially if they talk to me on my blog but if we don’t click after a bit of talking I feel awkward 😭😭😭 and they’ll keep messaging me and then idk what to do cause the conversations are literally like “hi hru” “I’m good wbu” AND THATS IT 💀💀💀 damn that must suck I’m sorry that’s a thing 😭😭 it’s even harder when it’s a friend group situation cause you can’t just stop talking to one person if they still have connections to all your other friends and you also can’t bring it up with your other friends cause they won’t see the problem :( but don’t worry our convos have been anything but dry since you first sent me an ask 🥹🥹 I love talking abt lucy or anything else with you I could do it all day lmao

I’m doing pretty good!! I have my first piano lesson in like 2 days.. I’m really nervous for it because it’s my first one in over a year since I took a break and it’s with a new teacher. I had lessons with her for a bit in 2020 but they were mostly over zoom because of covid. these ones are in person and I haven’t had in person lessons since 2019 🧍‍♀️ I also haven’t practiced piano since last year when I was taking lessons and even then I feel like I didn’t practice at all between lessons cause I was losing motivation.. so realistically I probably haven’t practiced properly and consistently for 2 years fml 😭😭 but hopefully everything will go well. I’m hoping I’ll like this teacher again I don’t really remember having an opinion on her when I had her 4 years ago, but I remember switching back to my old piano teacher who had moved to England since I was doing online lessons anyway. I’ve had her for around 6 years total so I’m very comfortable with her she’s basically made me the pianist I am today lol. but I think in person lessons would be beneficial which is why I’m trying this out instead.

I have nothing to help you about the jealousy but I did get the group photo back recently (kinda sad they didn’t give us 2 cause we did take 2 and I was so nervous when the first pic was taken that I didn’t have a pose and sangyeop was telling me that he was gonna do a flower pose and I didn’t know wtf a flower pose was until a day later when it clicked in my head LKSJSKS) but I am the one w the pink heart and yes I was RIGHT next to sangyeop and wonsang aka my bias and wrecker skdjsksk how did I survive

[atomicpets]

hi everyone! I honestly forgot I had this blog. A lot has happened since I made my first posts: first off, I graduated college! yay lol. Secondly, amity is 3 1/2 now, and we adopted a second cat last may that we named Loomis (Loomi, Lumiere, etc). He's about a year and a half currently and is a big boy (the vet said he was healthy though). Additionally, I'm not sure if we had her at the time but I included a few pictures of my snake Townes Van Zandt (townes for short). She's almost two years old and is a ball python. This picture was from about an hour ago. She is currently in a 67 gallon tank that's designed to be wider than taller since she isn't an arboreal snake.

I have some other tanks, as well as pet mice (not for townes, she eats frozen thawed rats) not pictured. I have the 55 gallon still, a 10 gallon Betta tank, and 3 5 gallon Betta tanks- one of which being Dior's.

Over time dior has developed a tumor and other health issues so I will not be posting pictures of him. We believe that his issues are from breeding because his water is changed once a week and kept at near perfect parameters. If anybody has any suggestions on how to keep him comfortable I would appreciate it! He doesn't seem to be in any pain and does normal fish stuff but we still worry and are keeping a close eye on him to know when it's time.

Overall all the other animals are doing well! The mice in particular are now over a year old. They are in a 40 gallon reptile glass tank and spend most of their time digging around or running on their wheel. We started off with 5 female mice, but 3 of them have passed from old age by this point. The other two are living it up in mouse city though lol.

This is kind of a long post but I love sharing pictures of and talking about my pets. I really enjoy taking care of a variety of animals and creating the best habitats for them. I hope to share more soon, and possibly get some good pics of the fish tanks too (they just tend to zip around too quickly to get a good shot).

[darlington-v]

I know different interpretations of a work are generally enriching and cool... but c!dream villan interpretations is like how to tell me you only watch Tommy without saying you only watch tommy.... which would be fine but its not a great place to be making statements about the whole nature of the dsmp lol

Wild speculation, but sometimes I wonder if like, because the dsmp didn't really start as a narrative, and a lot of fans don't nessecarily enter it expecting a narrative, but then there is one and the fandom is really discourse heavy and everyone is sort of excpeted to have an opinion while maybe not expecting to form one from the begining or not having a ton of experience with narrative in a way that would "expect" them to have an opinion or not take things at face value??, I don't know if I explained that well at all... and I don't really even think thats right nessecarily... but like wow sometimes some of the takes about power and government and villany...

Honestly, it makes sense!!!

I think something interesting is like.... looking at how animatics have shaped the like tone and culture of the fandom essentially. Like, an interesting fact that I didn't really fully grasp until SUPER recently is like...

c!Wilbur out the gate admits he is manipulating c!Tommy. Like his first youtube video on the Dream SMP he admits his goal is to manipulate c!Tommy and people like c!Tommy into helping him achieve a potion ("drug") empire to monopolize on potions because there were a lot of people on the server who like to min-max, which is to put all of your effort into this one specific skill essentially. so like... i know minecraft doesnt have a skill tree but if it did, it would be putting all your points into that one specific branch of a skill tree. So he wanted to exploit the labor of all the TommyInnits to.... maintain a Potion Empire.

THIS IS A LONG POST BC I GOT CARRIED AWAY SO BUCKLE UP

And I don't think a lot of the fandom who joined later on knows this. I certainly didn't until like a week or so ago? Like... I knew c!Wilbur had been manipulative from the start because I'm a mod of (shameless self promo incoming) @dsmpanalysis and we have a lot of different POVs in that mod team and discord and we talk about it really frequently. I joined the fandom as someone who was really big on L'manburg ESPECIALLY crimeboys, and have turned into.... *gestures vaguely to my blog*

And ngl I owe a lot of it to @1-michibiki-1 in terms of c!Dream "Apologism" but all of the mods there have expanded my thoughts and views on the storylines of this narrative.

My application consisted of like largely essays about like... how I think Dream was the villain but he was meant to be the villain because you don't get any insight into his character WHICH.... IS A FAIR ASSUMPTION AT FIRST GLANCE. People are easily villainized when you cannot get a glimpse into their thought process. It's easy to dwindle someone down into this flat character and starting out I knew Dream didn't stream the SMP on purpose.

And I personally came to the conclusion of "Oh! So Dream is supposed to be the villain." However as the story continued and I learned more about what Dream went through I began to realize that... it's more than likely a form of a red herring. My opinions on this were immediately solidified when I watched Ranboo's 2 MIL stream because both Ranboo AND Dream agree on enjoying red herrings.

There have been MANY times were Dream has said that c!Dream is a complex character and he's not a wholly evil guy and there have been times where the narrative has honestly just proved that.

Anyways, what's important though was that... I learned most of this from other people who were more focused on c!Dream rather than myself. Eventually I shifted from c!Tommy to c!Ranboo and c!Techno after c!Tommy betrayed c!Techno and I began to realize.... everything I learned before hopping in wasn't exactly what it seemed.

Part of this is because I'm older, I heavily identify with c!Techno's sense of loyalty and philosophies on government, but I especially identify with the anguish c!Techno voiced in... a lot of lore but especially the lore around Doomsday.

I'm not 16 anymore. I don't always feel wronged by adults, or older people in my case, whenever they absolutely have done something wrong by me, but I do feel wronged by my close friends. I also felt like c!Tommy's sense of loyalty didn't line up with mine after what felt like him constantly flip-flopping and refusing to understand c!Techno's morals on government didn't line up with his.

In short, it was easier to identify with Tommy in these animatics versus in the actual stream content because c!Tommy is played by a 16 year old. I'm not a teenager and my line of thinking doesn't entirely line up with people that age anymore. It's harder to place myself in the same shoes of someone's OC who is played closer to their actual age, because I'm not that age.

Regardless, I was still on the c!Dream is a villain train. I wasn't ever like... c!Dream is repulsive I hate him, but I was like omg hot villain lad go brrr.

Even when the first like... mellohi, panic room, Ranboo lore stream popped up I thought "Oh! c!Ranboo corruption arc?"

And I was excited because I really wanted this shy, nervous character to turn into villain buddies with his good pal c!Dream. I'm a total sucker for villains and corruption arcs and all that good shit.

SO I STARTED GETTING REALLY INTERESTED IN ENDERSMILE. I'VE BEEN ON ENDERSMILE SQUAD OUT THE GATE. NOT THE SAME WAY I AM NOW, BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED THEM TO TEAM UP.

So... upon not really keeping up with c!Dream and being relatively??? indifferent? I don't think I started arguments on c!Dream back then, but I might have. But I remember like... starting to participate more whenever c!Dream came up and looking more into Dream's character BUT ESPECIALLY TALKING WITH OUR SERVER'S C!DREAM SPECIALIST MICHI ABOUT DREAM A LOT MORE.

And because Michi has been a watcher since day one and was a DTeam fan rather than a SBI fan, she was able to provide me with more information on how the server worked pre-Tommy but especially pre-Wilbur.

Now, you could definitely argue well Michi probably has clear bias but it made sense to me when I looked back on how the storyline had been constructed and was going along, and everyone in the server talks a lot about our own biases and how we want people to maybe not lean so hard on them. Michi would also provide like anecdotes on what had happened and I'm sure links were probably provided at one point but the point was I felt like Michi had no reason to lie or manipulate how the story was told and if she did, eventually someone would have pointed it out because... Group of like... right now it's around 20 or more analysts but I don't remember how many at the time there were. POINT BEING, WE'VE ALL GOT POINTS TO PROVE AND IN MY EXPERIENCE NOT MANY OF US HAVE BEEN SHY TO PROVE THEM.

So if anyone ever had any differing opinions they would be talked about and we literally had and still have discussions.

REGARDLESS.... I DIDN'T FACT CHECK IN DEPTH BECAUSE I THOUGHT PEER REVIEW WAS ENOUGH WHEN YOU HAVE LIKE HOURS UPON HOURS OF STREAMS TO WATCH.

Anyways. Eventually I started paying closer attention and looking more into c!Dream lore but only recently have I started to triple check before speaking about c!Wilbur lore because I know everyone has biases and while I did trust everyone's thoughts and analysis in the discord, whenever I make essays I typically like it to be largely air tight and if theres a mistake, I want it to be because I forgot not because I just trusted what was said. Plus, I wanted to get down to the specifics of how Wilbur had always started with manipulation on the mind.

SO I WATCHED HIS FIRST VIDEO ON THE DREAM SMP.

AND WHAT I WAS NOT BY ANY MEANS EXPECTING WAS WILBUR TO SAY WORD FOR WORD, VERBATIM,

"SO WHY DON'T I START AN INDUSTRY WHERE I USE THE TOMMYINNITS OF THE WORLD TO WORK FOR ME, TO CREATE THINGS THAT THE MIN-MAXERS OF THE WORLD WILL WANT."

Like... this is in no way an attempt to like hardcore villainize c!Wilbur like everyone does Dream, it's just more so to like REALLY outline how far off a lot of fandom interpretation of c!Wilbur is....

Because of SBI focused animatics.

Now, when I joined I watched A LOT of animatics that really highlighted like... Wilbur being this self-loathing JD-esque, "I destroyed it because I had to because the world was against me because no one loved us, Tommy" type of character. At least... that's what it came across as.

And it definitely highlighted the fact that Tommy was a victim, which he is. He is undoubtedly a victim and no not even any dream apologist can change my mind otherwise. Tommy, despite being an instigator sometimes, didn't deserve the abuse he received.

But these animatics never shown the fact that c!Wilbur started L'manburg as a shady ploy to exploit people like c!Tommy and vilify c!Dream so he could have power.

And that was easy because Dream and Tommy had wars before. They had spars and pranks and here's the plan to take back my disks and here's the plan to out smart the thieving little child etc etc.

And all of the animatics I watched never mentioned this. Neither did the recaps though. The recaps gave the events flat out, there didn't sound like there was bias, and honestly I don't really know if there was rather than like... a lack of nuance. And it's hard to provide a recap with that much nuance in a short period of time for a youtube video, to be perfectly fair.

However, this creates a perfect formula for entirely rewriting the history of a server. c!Wilbur quite literally fucking succeeded TO A META LEVEL. He slandered and ran smear campaigns against Dream and like he even does that with Sapnap in the beginning. But what's crazy is that it transferred over into the meta! Most of this fandom understands Wilbur as a victim of mental illness, and yeah maybe? He definitely wasn't mentally well by the end of pogtopia, but he never started out with honorable intentions. L'manburg was never a victim, only its citizens. The TommyInnits of the world.

I just think it's like... such an interesting case study. Because this is like... an opinion like shared by at least half of the fandom, but the vilifying of c!Dream is shared by MOST of the fandom I would argue. Which is like even more crazy for me because that was c!Wilbur's goal!!!

LIKE I GO INSANE WHEN I THINK OF THIS BECAUSE HIS REACH IS JUST TOO POWERFUL. HE'S NOT EVEN ENTIRELY REAL, JUST A MANIPULATIVE PERSONA OF SOME BRITISH GUY.

And I mean... maybe people who have watched Wilbur's video on the SMP still maintain this idea that Wilbur wasn't always the bad guy, but honestly... I wouldn't be surprised if their introduction was still an animatic. Like bias is hard to check and I'm not going to lie I could have sworn I watched both Wilbur's AND Tommy's video on the SMP in the beginning and yet I STILL was a ride or die for tragic yet on some level still honorable Wilbur and a resilient Tommy.

Like... upon watching Wilbur's first video... possibly again I was surprised because I thought I did watch it like right before I even started watching the streams and yet I was still so invested in c!Wilbur as this tortured anti-hero.

It took 6 months of... not being in an echo chamber, full of multiple different people of different ages, different stream POVS, and people who joined the fandom at different points in time.

IDK IF THIS WAS EVEN ENTIRELY RELEVANT IT JUST FELT TANGENTIALLY RELEVANT AND THIS WAS SOMETHING I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR A HOT MINUTE AFTER LIKE WATCHING WILBUR'S FIRST VIDEO AGAIN.

TLDR;

SBI CENTRIC ANIMATICS HAD A LASTING AFFECT ON THIS FANDOM AS IT'S HARD TO GO BACK AND ACTUALLY CHECK THE NARRATIVE FOR SOLID FACTS FOR YOUR OWN INTERPRETATION BASED ON THE FACT THAT THIS NARRATIVE SPANS OVER HUNDREDS OF HOURS WORTH OF TWITCH STREAMS.

[wangxianficrecs]

Follower Recs

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Hi! First of all, thank you so much for running this blog, It's become one of three reasons why I haven't yet committed arson (I jest but the Feeling is true). [Hee, hee, hee.] I have a rec for you! It's called "wholesome life usurp immediately" by comfect on ao3 and it's. So good. It's unfinished but the author updates it literally every other day if not faster! It's a lovely fic, I hope you enjoy it. 🌻

Wholesome Life Usurp Immediately

by Comfect (T, 55k, yunmeng sibs, qingli, wangxian, WIP)

Summary: Wen Qing examines Jiang Yanli at Cloud Recesses and has a cure for her poor cultivation.

Now there are Three Prides of Yunmeng.

Everything kind of fixes itself from there.

~*~

hello mojo!! I would really like to recommend standing still (but we keep going) by lwjromantics!! it's really good!!

standing still (but we keep going)

by lwjromantics (justfantaestic) (T, 5k, wangxian)

Summary: Lan Wangji supposed that if having to take care of little A-Yuan and Mo Xuanyu and having to look at the reminders of Wei Ying in their habits and mannerisms was punishment for his actions, he would willingly take it and flay his own back open.

— There are children in the Burial Mounds.

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hii mojo! I just read this cute fic and I loved it so I wanted to rec it :) 

Word Up, Talk the Talk

by Larryissocute (G, 2k, wangxian)

Summary:  It wouldn’t have been a problem (it really wouldn’t) if they weren’t best friends. Wei Wuxian doesn’t know what good deeds he did in his past life to be blessed with Lan Wangji as a friend nor does he know what evil things he did to be cursed with being only a friend to Lan Wangji.

Or the one where Wei Wuxian kisses Lan Wangji and then runs away.

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Hey! Love your account — and proud of you for taking the hiatus you needed.  [Lol - it was really nice!]  Idk if you take fic recommendations, but I'd love to rec Roots by ardenrabbit. Fantastic characterization, I really love it!

Roots

by ardenrabbit (E, 46k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  After Wei Wuxian's duel with Jiang Cheng, he finds that stab wounds aren't so trivial when he doesn't have a core to heal them. He wakes to find Lan Zhan in the Burial Mounds with him, already beloved by the Wens and making himself at home. When Lan Zhan tells him that he wants to stay and offers more help than Wei Wuxian knows how to accept, he fears that it's only too good to be true.

Lan Wangji knows that Wei Ying is doing the right thing, and he couldn't live with himself if he let him do it alone. For everything Wei Ying has sacrificed, Lan Wangji is determined to give something back to him.

Hanguang-Jun has turned his back on the clans to join the Yiling Wens and their demonic cultivator leader, and every clan has a different opinion on the matter.

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Hello! I wanted to rec a fic on ao3 called "Restoration" by jelenedra. It's complete, an alternate universe of the sunshot campaign told nonlinearly. It has strong fairy tale and fae elements, with a touch of mystery. Bit of a fix it. Some delightful one liners, and the final ending imagery is just LOVELY. The fic deserves much more love. There's also some YilingWei, wwx not raised by Jiang, and sentient Burial Mounds elements. Enchanting read that keeps you enthralled and curious and intrigued.

Restoration

by jelenedra (M, 85k, wangxian)

Summary:  They say he was thrown into Luanzang Gang by the man who killed his parents; they say that he is an immortal cultivator who had been in a deep trance until the Wen sect disturbed his rest and incurred his wrath; they say that he is the fierce corpse of a cultivator who had somehow regained his mind and his spiritual powers.

When Lan Wangji sees him for the first time, he understands why people talk.

Meng Yao wants safety. Xue Yang wants vengeance. The Sunshot Campaign wants victory. Yiling Laozu provides, for a price.

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I usually read all your recommendations. Thanks for gathering all good recs of wangxian. I am in love with every single story your recommend especially the favorites. [I’m so glad!]  I just wanted to suggest a fic i came across while searching for phoenix!wwx. Its a new story I think as author has published it today. The first chapter was very interesting that i thought ill recommend it you and know your opinion. The legendary phoenix and his dragon -Devipriya and Hidden Path to Love by ShadowTenshiV

Hidden Path to Love

by ShadowTenshiV (G, 78k, wangxian)

Summary:  Wei Ying is a servant working at the Gusu Lan castle. One day he enters through a secret passage way connected to the library where he meets a Lan for the first time. He may have left quite an impression, gaining the other´s attention and slowly becoming friends. They would like to become something more, but a servant can´t be with a prince, but maybe his secret can change that.

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hello mojo! i was wondering if I could make a fic rec? it’s called “and the calm is deep where the quiet waters flow” by izanyas. it used to be on ao3 but the author has since moved it to eir own website and has started posting updates there. i was wondering if this could also act as a signal boost bc some old readers on ao3 might not have known that it is now on another website.   Author's been through a tough time so I think it deserves a lot more love.

For new readers, please mind the warnings in the prologue and the beginning of each chapter! it’s omegaverse and a very heavy read as it deals with (possible spoiler) off-screen rape that results in an unwanted pregnancy, as well as secondary gender oppression which runs deep, but for people who can bear it the writing, worldbuilding, and emotions are truly spectacular.

and the calm is deep where the quiet waters flow

by izanyas (E, 270k, wangxian, WIP, link is to WordPress rather than AO3)

Summary: Cangse Sanren was the first of her kind to become a cultivator. Talented, passionate, free-spirited, she bested everything that ever came her way until the very end.

Jiang Fengmian refuses to see her son deprived of that same freedom.

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Hello Mojo! I dunno if this's been recced before, but here's another ficrec for you? It's complete, on ao3, "The Third Young Master of Qishan Wen" by KouriArashi. It's 'if wwx was raised by dafan wen, but gets recognized as 3rd heir due to his skill' scenario. Some really nice banter and characterization. Wwx and lz get together before the sunshot campaign. Story follows the live action but diverges into au, and does some cool callbacks to original canon. Love Meng Yao in this!  [Oh, I know KouriArashi from my last fandom, I love her works!]

❤️The Third Young Master of the Qishan Wen

by KouriArashi (T, 139k, wangxian, my post)

Summary:  The fic where Wei Wuxian is adopted by the Dafan Mountain Wens instead of the Yunmeng Jiang.

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Hi Mojo! I can count the number of times I’ve spoken on Tumblr on one hand (I’m shy heh) but I found this fic that I think you and others would really like? I’m a sucker for emotional hurt/comfort and this was just too sweet for me not to share (did I go through 20 pages of bookmarks just to make sure you don’t already have it? Maybe …) [Aww, you can do a sidebar search in the bookmarks for the author’s name.  But I hope you found other good fics by carding through the whole catalog!]  It’s “Close Your Soft Eyes” by timetoboldlygo! I also wanna say thank you for all the hard work you put into this blog! It’s a treasure beyond compare. :D [Thank you so much!]

Close Your Soft Eyes

by timetoboldlygo (G, 12k, wangxian)

Summary:  When Lan Wangji woke, the first thing he noticed was the slip of paper, folded and tucked between his index and middle fingers, not Wei Wuxian’s absence. His fingers trembled as he unfurled the paper. A donkey with a little smile beamed down at him.

-

On the nights that Wei Wuxian was gone, Lan Wangji woke to gifts on his pillow.

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Hey Mojo! I love your blog it is beyond awesome! [Thank you!]  I was wondering if you would consider reading JaenysBloodcourt series "A Bond to Takes us home"? The summary is weird but I like the fics and would love to hear your opinion on LWJ POV (it's part 2). Part one is Mingxian but part two (Wangxian) reads as a standalone for the most part. Anyways, thank you for all your hard work! <3 [I’ll put it on my list!]

A Bond to Take Us Home

by JaenysBloodcourt (T, 10k, mingxian - nmj/wwx, wangxian, series in progress)

Summary:  Wei Wuxian has two soulmarks. He has two soulmates that seem to be the opposite of him. During his first life he meets both of them, loves only one and longs for the other. In his second life, the one he loved first is dead, and the one he pined after is pining after him.

These are the many tales of his soulmates and the raucous they made across the cultivation world.

Some are dark, some are light. Beware.

~*~

I forgot to send this in for Mother's Day a few weeks ago, but have you read dragongirlG's "into the light of a dark black night"? It's a short canon divergence where Mama Lan escapes the Cloud Recesses after spending one last, heartbreaking night with her sons. It's so beautiful and bittersweet! [Oh, ouch.  I just read this author’s time travelling juniors au, but hadn’t seen this one.]

into the light of a dark black night

by dragongirlG (T, 3k, Madam Lan & sons)

Summary:  The night that Wu Yuhua, formerly known as Madam Lan, plans to escape from the Cloud Recesses, she runs into an unexpected complication.

That complication comes in the form of her younger son A-Zhan running up to her door and kneeling in front of it, hushed whimpers escaping from his throat.

Wu Yuhua knows it's not the full moon, knows that it's not the one day a month she's allowed to see her children—but like hell is she going to leave her six-year-old son out there trying to stifle sobs in the snow.

She opens the door. "A-Zhan," she says, bending down and reaching out a hand. "Come in, my sweet boy."

On a snowy night in the dead of winter, Wu Yuhua, formerly known as Madam Lan, unexpectedly spends one last night with her sons before escaping from the Cloud Recesses.

~*~

Hello queen I’d like to recommend for ur follower rec posts Avatar: The Untamed Waterbender by KouriArashi. Banger of an ATLA au, def the best one I’ve seen. It’s a WIP but the author updates pretty regularly and it’s all around an A+ fic [Oh, yes, I’ve been waiting for this one to finish before I jump in.]

Avatar: The Untamed Waterbender

by KouriArashi (T, 123k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  You know the drill. Long ago, the four nations lived in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

100 years later, Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli find Wei Wuxian sealed in an iceberg.

Featuring: avatar WWX, waterbending JC, firebending Wens, airbending Lans, earthbending Nies and Jins, Jiang Yanli in possession of the brain cell, et cetera.

~*~

[My ko-fi.]

[atopearth]

Collar X Malice: Unlimited Part 7 - Adonis Route

Honestly, I find the way Ichika joined Zero's side to be pretty iffy even back then in the original game, so I kinda hoped something like Kazuki dying would have changed here but I guess not.. I feel sorry for Kazuki that they reconciled but she still ended up joining Adonis alongside Akito, it must be a pretty big shock having to deal with that. (EDIT: guess he is gone..) Ichika being at the top and training people in marksmanship and stuff is very interesting lol. She looks all right with short hair but yeah, I agree with Zero, I liked the long hair more. Anyway, Zero wants her to find out if there's a traitor amongst them before the next X-Day (since the one 2 years ago failed) in 30 days. Anyway, it seems like you go through each of the Adonis' executors' stories so that's interesting. I'm just going to go from the ones I least like to the ones I like the most haha, and then leave Mikuni for last I guess. Well, Hana's story first then~

Kobayashi Hana

I guess Hana is as bright as ever. I quite enjoy seeing her try and dress Ichika up and make her cuter lol. On the other hand, seeing her mercilessly cut through that panda cake was pretty hilarious. One thing I enjoyed insight into was hearing that Hana has been avoiding going to Isshiki's concerts to avoid causing any trouble to them with the police just in case they come to crash it because of her or something. Honestly, I was pretty impressed. Like, she's always been pretty selfish, and she's always prioritised her love for Isshiki above everything, but to see that she could stop herself to protect him was nice in its own way. Even though she's a pretty ruthless killer, and even though she's obsessed with Isshiki, I guess she does think things through a bit so that Isshiki won't ever have to suffer because of her. Hmm Ichika seemed to reminisce about Kazuki, does that mean he died? Anyway, these investigations are short? Are they really just segments of story for Ichika to become friends with each person? Lol. I mean, Ichika literally did nothing but talk about random stuff with Hana lol. I actually find it rather endearing that Hana and Ichika can fight so openly about their feelings and understand that they actually do want the best for each other, it's kinda nice how they became good friends under such circumstances.

Soda Manabu

Honestly, I kinda wish we could just pick one character and continue until the investigation completes because it's sooo annoying having to press on each one like 7 times just to get a couple of lines of story each time Zzz. Anyway, gotta admit Ichika is pretty judgmental towards Soda, and actively tries to "fix" him and thinks what he does is "wrong", which is pretty annoying tbh. Just because she doesn't understand games, she thinks it's useless to Adonis, and then judges him for his eating habits? Lol. Anyway, at least she tried playing his game though lol, and even got lessons from him haha. I see, I can understand why Ichika would go to Zero for "revenge" but not sure about the "sadness" thing if that's what she's going for tbh. Losing Yanagi, Enomoto, Shiraishi, Okazaki and Kazuki is a big hit and I can understand it shattering her world, but going to Adonis is basically breeding everything that killed everyone important to her. Anyway, Sasazuka's pained voice telling Ichika not to go to Adonis really hurt. I'm sure he's really hurting over the fact he didn't notice the weapons that ended up killing everyone, alongside survivor's guilt of being the only one who survived out of the group, and then now not even being able to stop Ichika from going over to the other side.. It's painful to see. Anyway, lmao, Soda is probably a tamer little brother than Kazuki. His words are harsh but you can tell he only talks like that to protect himself, so any time he swears, I don't bother taking him seriously, he's a hurt little kid. It's cute how Ichika mixed his hated eggplants into the gratin and he didn't even notice, but he ate the whole thing happily🤣 He's so adorable lmao, especially when his face went red and he told her he'd eat her stuff again (even though she shouldn't hear it), and then he ran off🤣

It seems like Soda regrets his actions much more than I initially thought. He was able to get revenge, but now he's even more scared of death because of what he had done, and now he's just in this never-ending cycle of fear, needing to have Zero's power to protect himself, doing his bidding so that he won't die, but at the same time being so scared of his life that the only time he probably feels "safe" is when he plays his games. I love how happy he was when Ichika gave him a SS tier rare item and he put it on, locked it and kept it in a special box🤣 That's so cuteee. Definitely enjoyed Soda's mini part more than I thought hahaha, he's such a cute little kid, which makes it kinda sad lol. Soda blowing up and getting mad at Ichika for playing solo and saying she didn't need connections when she made him realise he wanted to start building connections because of her was really...heartwarming. Soda gave up on people and a lot of things thinking that he could never have them because that's how it was considering how people are, but he changed his mind after Ichika so insistently barged into his life, and now to say that it's practically useless would be extremely hurtful to him. I was really impressed with Soda, and I'm happy that he even told Ichika that she can rely on him more, he's such a sweet boy🥲

Uno Suzune

Lmaooo poor Shion, the woes of a big brother. I found it hilarious how Suzune would give him the green peas she doesn't like even though Shion hates them too, definitely something siblings would do🥲 I superrrr agree with Suzune about handwriting diaries instead of writing a blog! I mean, I have both obviously, but I definitely have different feelings when I read my blog and when I read my writing in my diary. Through my blog, I can easily read my exact thoughts and get to the gist of what I'm talking about, but with my diary, I can see stuff like when I started getting tired of writing, when I felt like changing my pen, and a lot of other feelings that can't be seen or portrayed properly in a typed blog, and yes, the memories of me writing all this usually comes back better when I've written it, mainly because I either say it in the entry or because I can actually remember sitting there and putting time into writing about my life/day.

Guess Suzune's pretty yandere for her brother if any kind of possible romantic interest from Ichika gets her other self to come out and threaten her about it lol. Anyway, it's cute how she’s starting to kinda think of Ichika as a big sister. Suzune willingly taking Ichika to Shion and calling Ichika Chi-chan is probably the biggest improvement you can get considering she could stab you as the worst case hahha. Well, Suzune was definitely cuter than I thought and seeing her so vulnerable, shy but wanting to protect Shion and getting out of her shell for him was sweet. Are there endings for each executor? Well, anyway, Suzune saying she would be sad if anything happened to Ichika was really sweet.

Sugawara Rika

Lmao, I forgot Sugawara is obsessed with Zero, this is going to be fun I guess. It's kinda funny that getting a 50,000 yen strawberry entices her lol, I'm surprised Zero approved it as an expense, like dang, can I have one too, I'm curious lol. Lmao when Sugawara wanted to keep the strawberries as a memento instead of eating it😂 She should have been convinced when Ichika said it'll become a part of her hahahah. LOL when Sugawara started lecturing Ichika about dressing better in front of Zero, and then tried to get her makeup to make her look better, but then Ichika runs away😂

Okay, I loved the girls dress up night with Hana, Ichika and Sugawara. It was so funny how they started arguing about what Ichika should wear and then became fast enough friends to recommend each other stuff and then wear it for fun. I loveee that they had a CG for their new outfits because they're all so pretty, I love them! I think Hana's is my favourite because it's so simple but cute in a different way from her usual. I guess it's kinda cute how in Hana's investigation, Hana focuses on Ichika's clothing fashion, but Sugawara takes it further or I guess mainly focuses on skincare, makeup and haircare haha. I guess it's nice that Sugawara is definitely much more open about standing up for herself and other women when it comes to men who try to objectify them or think of them as "lesser". She's become stronger. I think it's kinda sad to see that amongst all the other happy mini endings with the other executors, Rika's one with Ichika is actually pretty sad because it was through them bonding that Rika noticed Ichika's true intentions of revenge, and that's why they can never truly see eye-to-eye and be friends.

Ogata Tomoki

I guess I didn't expect Ogata to be the type to go to batting cages, but I even more didn't expect him to reserve sweets to make sure he can get them hahaha! It's nice that he enjoys wagashi though, I definitely should have tried it when I went to Japan, but I completely forgot😭 Aww, Ogata had such a sweet daughter! Whenever his wife wasn't looking, she would eat his hated tomatoes for him! Such a kind kid😭 I've never heard of monaka before, so I googled it and they look nice!! Kinda like an ice cream sandwich but not with ice cream and has red bean paste and other stuff inside I guess? I would totally eat it. Lmaoo at Ichika's impression of the typical salaryman😂😂 It's true though, I can't imagine Ogata going home to watch comedy shows with a beer in his hand🤣 Aww it was so cute how Ogata did an impersonation of a character in a drama because he got so used to doing it for his daughter. But lmao at Ichika though, telling him what he can improve on since Adonis might have end of the year parties he could use it for, imagine a bunch of terrorists partying for something so normal like the end of the year hahah😂😂

It's actually really sad how Ogata feels like he can't be a father anymore because he knows that he prioritises his current ideals and dreams more than his daughter. And I guess considering how long they've been separated and how much he has changed, it would probably feel awkward to try and be a normal father, but I guess at least through Ichika's encouragement, he's willing to try and reply to his daughter's letter of wanting to meet him. I think the reason why I've always liked Ogata is because he doesn't regret his actions. Like, he knows that he's killed people and that's why he doesn't want to see his family and get them involved with what he's doing right now, because he knows the gravity of his actions. But at the same time, his hatred for Fujii, the police and the whole mistaken arrest that led to such injustice for him and changed his whole perspective on life is something he can't let go of, and that's why it led him to Adonis and to fulfill his "new" ideals. He knows it's a path that will not necessarily have a "good ending" but he's willing to sacrifice everything for it, and I think that's what makes me attracted to his character. Anyway, LMAO at how insistent Ichika was on seeing young Ogata with a buzzcut playing baseball, absolutely hilarious when she was ready to tie him up with a rope and search his room😂😂 It's pretty sad to see that Ogata wanted to be like Isshiki and save people with his justice without faltering in this cruel world but he just wasn't able to do it because hatred was what fuelled him to move forward and not forgiveness or hope. But I'm glad he encouraged Ichika to listen to Isshiki's song and hear Kazuki's guitar, because seeing Ichika show her emotions again, even if just a little bit was nice...

Uno Shion

Aww, it's cute how much Shion cares about Suzune, but also so cute how he's embarrassed to say he likes chocolate🤣 It's nice that he's more cooperative than Suzune I guess hahaha. I never expected Shion to like to paint though, that's interesting. Anyway, it's pretty sad to think that the "outside world" was much more unforgiving to the Uno siblings, and that it was only after they joined this terrorist organisation did they get to feel safe and secure that they have shelter and food without people going crazy on them. In that sense, it's understandable how much more comfortable Adonis would be for them. Aww Shion and Suzune getting excited over a chocolate cake is so adorable. Them saving up to buy a home for themselves is so heartwarming, it makes me really want to cheer for them. I'm dying from how cute they are trying to feed Ichika the chocolate cake too because they really like her and think she's really kind like their mother was before. Shion buying a cheese tart for both Ichika and Suzune was sweet, she's like a part of his thought process when buying stuff for his sister hahaha. Lol when he just shoved it into her mouth instead of giving it to her like a normal person🤣 Lmaoo when Shion drew a portrait of Ichika stuffing herself with cheese tart🤣 To think that Shion was so serious about drawing that he's actually thinking about a future with it after the X-Day stuff..it’s so endearing.

Sera Akito

It must be difficult for both Akito and Ichika to talk to each other. Just seeing each other's faces would make them remember the past and compare it to the present, making their whole encounter just...painful to watch. It's so like Akito to hide that he dislikes shiitake mushrooms so that it wouldn't inconvenience Ichika and make her remove it from the cooking menu. Lmaooo at Akito being so scared of bugs, enough that Ichika has to call cockroaches dark fairies to make him feel more at ease🤣 I'm sure Akito must be hurting too, but his consideration for Ichika above himself really makes my heart feel so warm. Awww, my heart swooned when Akito said his ideal type was Ichika! If only there was an Akito route~ Anyway, I didn't expect Akito and Soda to really interact but lmaoo at Soda having spent millions of yen on in-game stuff, Soda is right though, gacha rates are cruel😭😭 Aww, it was so cute how honest Soda was about wanting to have defeated the boss with Akito instead of dumping him and killing it himself, since what Soda values is playing together with other people. So, Kazuki was stabbed by a guy who was influenced by Adonis into taking revenge against his bullies or something, and I guess Kazuki was killed when he tried to step in? Honestly, I feel terrible for Akito. He was already feeling doubts and guilt over getting revenge for his sister, but after experiencing Kazuki's death, he must hate his choice for joining Adonis even more than before. It honestly broke my heart to see Akito break down like that not knowing how he could atone for his sins in causing Kazuki's death. His heartwrenching screams really cut me and made me tear up from all the pain Akito must have been bottling up all this time. Akito will always be my favourite side character, I think his pain, his feelings and his emotions were portrayed so well.

Sanjo Keisuke

Aww, Sanjo's favourite food being ramen is very him, kinda hahaha. I can't imagine a 7kg bowl of ramen and having to finish that in 30 minutes😱 On the other hand, Sanjo being into arcades is kinda unexpected, lmaooo at Ichika thinking he would play the crane games😂 I didn't think about the fact that Ichika is a former cop just like him now, I wonder how he feels about that or whether he even cares😅 Lmao at Sanjo seriously answering Ichika what his type of woman is and then even describing the body shape with sound effects😂 I can't believe Ichika just tickled Sanjo and made him laugh like crazy, I would have liked to see that😆😆 I think it would have been so nice if Ogata was Sanjo's boss, I feel like their values and ideals of justice back in the day would have matched well since Sanjo probably desired something "pure" back in the day and hoped to be a part of an organisation that helped people, and Ogata was always helping people already, so they would have worked well together. It's just sad that they both got betrayed by their ideals of what the police should have been to them and others.

 The idea that you can't feel any fear because you don't value your life is a pretty interesting and saddening thought. Maybe because I get that feeling sometimes. I agree with Sanjo, Zero definitely doesn't truly care about those ideals of saving the weak that he keeps spouting, he's not like Mikuni, and that's also imo the reason why Zero believes that he and Mikuni will never truly understand each other. Ichika and Sanjo eating ramen together is so cute lol.

Mikuni Rei

Lmao at Zero calling Mikuni an old man for liking fish, disliking carbonated drinks and other junk food because they're not nutritional hahaha. Otherwise, nothing much to say tbh, Mikuni has always been a rather bland character to me? I like him, but at the same time I don't because even though it's interesting to see that he actually has "noble" goals compared to Zero, the fact is that Mikuni as he himself said has been told that he's a "saviour" of sorts, and I think that really exemplifies the type of person Mikuni is. Someone who believes that he can and wants to "save" people in his own way as if he is someone above them all, but at the same time, he is very apparently flawed exactly because he is like that. He's not someone who truly understands the people "below" him and he also doesn't seem to perceive that as something that can be helped, and that's why even though his goals are "noble", he's not really noble at all. But it doesn't really change the fact that Mikuni is kind in his own way though. Mikuni eating shrimp crackers is so cute😂

Saeki Yuzuru

To be honest, I've always liked the chill policeman Saeki, and I personally think Zero likes that version of himself too. I feel like he always enjoyed just talking about stuff with Ichika during their drinking charades, and had fun visiting her. But at the same time, I feel like because of the existence of Adonis and Mikuni, Zero never really allowed his negative emotions to be "accepted" in order for him to move on, so instead it just continued piling up inside to the point of indifference towards the world and others imo. Anyway, it's sad, seeing Zero and Mikuni happily play chess together. They really look like two brothers just having fun in their own way. Hearing them say that they've been doing this since they were kids makes it all the more saddening when they realised that despite how "close" they were to each other, they never really understood each other. In a sense, I feel like in the end, both Mikuni and Zero use Adonis as a way to get the things they want and feel like it's one of the only ways they can do it? I mean, I do feel like Mikuni treasures his relationship with Zero more than Adonis or anything else, because when it comes down to it, I feel like he tries really hard to understand Zero by trying to see things from his perspective and hanging out with Ichika, the one that Zero thinks understands him best and the one Zero likes the most. On the other hand, Zero seems to use Adonis as a way for revenge of his mother and as a way to vent those emotions and scars he got, but at the same time Adonis also granted him Mikuni (a brother), and it gave him opportunities and power.

Zero definitely loves Ichika in an obsessed way, probably the only way he thinks he can love someone, since he doesn't want to become "weak" like his mother was. So if he felt anything like love, he would prefer it to be a love that would destroy him, because in a sense I think I can understand that sentiment of wanting the person you love to solely focus on yourself and no one else, whether that is hatred or whatever emotion doesn't matter, because being the entire focus of someone else's is a sort of "love" to enjoy, so I don't blame Zero for his twisted "love" lol. Especially since you can tell how much he has always enjoyed his after work beers and just chatting with Ichika. I quite enjoyed their little date walking around reminiscing the past and discovering new things they missed out on, now I really want to eat crepes🥲 The ending where Ichika kills Saeki is pretty sad though. Seeing Saeki the most relieved and happy he has ever been is probably what made me kinda happy for him though. He still sucks, but like Ichika said, I can't hate him, because it was true that he did reduce the sadness of many (whilst creating sadness for many others too though) and at the core, he was like in a sense a guy who consumed so much sadness from everywhere around him, always in pain, always sad despite his appearance, and thinking that makes it difficult for me to truly hate him.

Overall, I like the Adonis route! Initially, I was a bit sceptical whether it was really necessary and whether it would be interesting at all but I really loved bonding with all the executors. Seeing more of the human and emotional sides, seeing them warm up to Ichika and become friends with her really made me enjoy the "what could never be" part of it all. I think I especially loved Akito's because of how emotional it was tying into Kazuki and everything. But I also really enjoyed seeing the different sides of all of them. It really makes me wish Ichika got an individual route with like Akito and Sanjo and Ogata because I loveee them🥲🥲

Overall Review

I definitely enjoyed CxM: Unlimited much more than I thought I would! In the beginning, Sasazuka and Okazaki's routes kinda made me wonder whether I really wanted to continue this, but I'm so glad I got through them because I enjoyed Enomoto's, Yanagi's and Shiraishi's routes a lot! If I ranked them, I probably liked Shiraishi's the most, then Yanagi, Enomoto, Okazaki and then Sasazuka. It's definitely what I wanted in a fandisk, which is more fluffy romance and just bonding with all the guys even more, and I absolutely loveeee the potential romances with Yoshinari and Minegishi, they were so unexpectedly nice. Definitely no plot but that's okay since it's a fandisc and I think it fulfilled really well what its goal was when it comes to more romance in the story haha. 8/10! I'm definitely going to miss the characters, I'm so attached to Enomoto and them lol.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

A chatty writing update | novels, short fiction, etc!

Hi folks!

It’s been a while since I last wrote an update on this blog! I thought it’d be fun to go back to basics, and just talk about writing. This post chats about: new plans for Feeding Habits, my newest novel, my short story goals & growing collection, along with process reflections.

(image description: a photo of green leaves with the text “writing update” in a white font written on top. /end image description)

Post starts under the cut!

General taglist (please ask to be added or removed)

@if-one-of-us-falls, @qatarcookie, @chloeswords, @alicewestwater, @laughtracksonata, @shylawrites, @ev–writes, @jaydewritesfiction, @jennawritesstories @eowynandfaramir, @august-iswriting, @aetherwrites, @avakrahn, @maisulli

What have I been up to?

For starters, I finished my second year of my Writing undergrad last week and got two of my final grades back today (A+ baby)! For anyone who has taken online university, y’all already KNOW, but this year was so difficult. Would not recommend! Really proud of myself to have gotten through this absolute rollercoaster of a school term and am excited to get into some writing. That leads us to:

What have I been up to (writing edition)?

2021 started off so fast. By the time January hit, I was so consumed in my new semester that I did not have time to write Feeding Habits (my novel). In the first few days of the term, I managed to write between class, until I could no longer keep up! Essentially, I did not write any of that novel until exam season (last week), where I did manage to get in about 3k words in ~4 days.

Feeding Habits

I’m currently drafting what I believe will be the last chapter of this book (chapter 10: Swan Song). This chapter is so bizarre for a few reasons. It begins the book’s third part and also marks the shift back into Lonan’s head from Harrison’s. I originally thought this part would be much, much longer, with at least another five chapters to go, but quickly realized the book’s content was nearly completed. In my 4 day 3k palooza, I hit 50k in the book (the word count goal), and couldn’t see myself extending past 60k. Since then, I’ve made the loose decision to write this final chapter as a ~novella. Here are a few reasons why:

1. This chapter is structurally very strange.

I unashamedly shift from present to past to present to past past, and so much more every 12 words. I mapped out the timeline on a sheet of paper, and there were over 20 shifts in scenes (the chapter is only about 4400 words at the moment). The fictive past is incredibly important to this chapter, more important than the present, and I thought it would make more sense to not break randomly for a chapter so I could upkeep the consistent inconsistency of the chapter.

2. The chapter is very abstract

This stems from the structural changes, but there are paragraphs in this chapter of the fictive present that are loosely based in reality. They’re more poems than they are factual paragraphs, and keeping them all contained in one place (so a mega chapter/ novella) would reduce the most confusion!

3. There’s not much left to cover

Like I said above, Feeding Habits is on its last leg, lol! I know exactly where the book needs to end up, which is very, very soon from where I’m currently at on the timeline. Swan Song should cover what 2-4 chapters would cover in terms of arcs.

Feeding Habits and I have a really weird relationship, tbh! When I realized a few weeks ago that it’d been over a year since I started the book, I realized I just needed to finish it. Not that I want to rush (because I’ve taken longer than a year to write a book in the past), but that in order to move onto another project, I’d like to put this one behind first. This book has been the hardest thing I’ve ever written, and has reminded me there’s always a time to let go. This sort of scrounges up a conversation about letting this entire series go, which is certainly something I’ve been contemplating doing soon(ish). If this spinoff series gets a third book, that may or may not be the last Fostered book for a very long time (or ever)! There are many complex reasons to move on, but the main one is that I have other projects I’d like to focus on. This is not a definitive decision, but something I’ve certainly been thinking about!

Here are a few excerpts I wrote recently:

(TW: death, gore)

Dying feels like being a trout dangled out of water. Clinging to a hook. Mouth open. Scales iridescent in a final death cry. It’s like blood spurting up the knuckles, drowning out the flesh. It’s that moment on the long fall down when the clouds cup the body. Easy drifting. The sound a skull makes when it cracks is really just the afterthought.

(TW: death, gore)

Kill shot. Death blow. Coup de grace. Right in the heart. He feels it. The blood swelling, slicking his palms. He can do it. Reach into the cavity. Feel for the ribs. Part each bone. Then cup the humming heart. Stay there. Right. It’s never been easier.

Look at this PURE moment of Lonan holding a baby I CANNOT:

The grocery store was a fifteen-minute walk away. With Olivia clinging to his shoulder, Lonan was acutely aware that she could feel his heartbeat. Open valve. Close. Repeat. Hers pulsed right above his, a miniature drumming. The sky had bruised purple, misted with clouds. The evening air nipped his cheeks, so he made sure Olivia was securely fastened between him and his jacket. With wide eyes, she absorbed the drowsy suburbia, all its family cars pulling into driveways, all its couples heading back home after a sunset walk. When Lonan passed a young boy walking two golden retrievers, Olivia giggled, and didn’t stop, even after he’d spent fifty dollars on groceries and nearly the rest on a red Corolla marked with a MUST GO NOW sign outside a convenience store.

Let’s move on!

Mandy and Cora

I said I wouldn’t talk too much about this project, but I just love it so much?? I wanted to share my SUPER early thoughts on drafting a novel, especially one that is SO different from what I’ve been writing recently. I talked about this before in THIS post, but the summary about this project is that it’s a YA contemporary novel! Can’t believe I’m writing YA again, it’s been so long, but I also think it’s going so well. Everything I’ve learned as a literary fiction writer has been a fantastic primer for transferring back to the genre. Admittedly, I have not written much, but I’m having a lot of fun diving back into a lighter project. This is the summary:

Cora and Mandy are identical twins who’ve always done everything together. But when Mandy decides to go to university out of province after graduation and Cora doesn’t, Cora takes this as an opportunity to “test run” life apart from her sister for the first time by spending the summer at her aunt’s house across the country.

I have come up with a few ~things since I last talked about this project, mostly how I’d like to structure it. As of now, I’d like the book to be structured super loosely. I’m really pulling on a lot of inspo from “We Are Okay” by Nina LaCour (which is SO good), particularly how “nothing happens-y” that book is. This project (which I still need a title for!!) will be structured in short chapters that cover something Cora does on her own for the first time (without Mandy). For example, a few ideas are “Flight”, “Lunch”, and “Groceries”. “Flight” is the first “chapter” (they’re really kind of vignettes) where Cora flies to her aunt’s house. I still can’t determine if this book will take place in Canada. On one hand, I feel like there will be a wider audience if it takes place in the US (is that just an assumption??? maybe?? someone let me know!), but also: don’t really care too much about an audience at the moment! It could also take place in Canada (So Ontario and British Columbia). But if it does take place in the US, I think it may take place in NYC and San Francisco. The problem is: I really don’t like researching lol, and while I’ve been to NYC many times, I will definitely write it wrong! Does this really matter on a first draft?? absolutely not lol, but of course I am already overthinking!

But back to structure: I am looking forward to seeing what this looser structure will do. This is a story that is solely around one half of a set of twins learning to be her own person (and ultimately that she doesn’t have to completely forget her sister in order to do that), and as a twin who KNOWS this feeling, I think this structure of her doing things for the first time is SUPER relatable.

I was worried it might sound silly/worrying to others who are not twins that Cora hadn’t done things like “lunch” or “groceries” on her own, but I feel this so much as an identical twin myself! Not that she hasn’t done anything at all by herself, but as a twin, when you do something without your twin for the first few times, at least in my experience, you notice. If any twins are reading this--weigh in!

This story is the most personal thing I’ve ever written. It definitely is an OwnVoices book! Usually, I avoid details that are remotely similar to me because they make me uncomfortable haha, but with this book, it’s all me, lol! The characters are all Guyanese, which is SO fun because I’ve been planning what they eat (my fellow Caribbean peeps know: the FOOD!), which is so fun (yes they have pumpkin and shrimp, yes they have roti, yes they have pera, yes they have mithai). Every time I’ve gone to dabble at this book, or even think about it, I get incredibly emotional for this reason? I don’t exactly know why. I think this is a story I just so want to tell, with the culture I love SO much that I definitely struggled to love as a child. This is reclamation bitchessss!

Not going to lie tho: the prospect of writing ~a book~ is kind of freaky! I’m going to make the minimum word count for this book pretty short (50k) and see where it goes from there. I think I will focus on this project this summer! Originally I was going to write a literary novel this summer, but I think this one’s calling my name!

Here’s a pretty rough excerpt:

Try. I remind myself that’s what I’m doing after the flight attendant fills me a disposable cup of Coca Cola and all I can think of is Mandy and I shoving Mentos into a bottle of the stuff when we were twelve. Just me, wedged in the middle seat between an exchange student heading out for summer break and a middle-aged woman sipping a cocktail, thinking of Mandy and I bursting whole oranges in a blender when we were bored one Winter break as the plane dips through a wave of turbulence. Mandy and I dying our hair neon green with highlighters (didn’t work—our hair is too dark) as the plane lands on the tarmac. Mandy and I arguing so loud last month, we both lost our voices as I lug my carry-on out of the overhead compartment and shuffle off the plane and through the airport, searching for Aunt Vel.

Short Fiction

I’ve written so much short fiction this year! I have a goal to write a short story a month (they can range in length, as long as 1 is “complete”), so my short story brain has seriously been soaking it all up lately. Let’s chat my month to month breakdown so far:

January:

I wrote four stories in January! The first is a flash fiction piece called “Shark Swimming” that follows a young woman who attends a shark swimming class after breaking up with her girlfriend. I wrote this story for a “test” workshop for my fiction class, and it was based off the prompt “think about something you’re afraid to do and make the character do that thing”. I’m not particularly afraid of sharks, but had been wanting to use the title “Shark Swimming” for AGES (literally since 2018).

This story is one of my favourites. It’s only about 900 words, but I think there’s something profound in how mundanely specific it is. The entire story doesn’t even see the narrator swim with sharks once; it actually takes place fully in the sanctuary’s lobby. But I really love this narrator. This is the first story I’ve written in second person in a while, though I felt really connected to the unnamed narrator. She struggles with accepting that she truly is a “boring” person, and there’s something about the final image that really gets me!

I’ve been submitting this around, though it’s been rejected a handful of times. Hoping I can secure it at a magazine one day because I really love it!

The second story is “Joanne, I’ll Pray for You” which is actually a rewrite of one of my very first short stories (the first story I did not write for a class haha), “NYC in Your Apartment”. I LOVE this rewrite a lot, and also learned the original is not a very good short story! Revising this story taught me just how much I’ve learned in the 2 years I’ve been writing short fiction. Seeing the 2019 version versus the 2021 version side by side is fascinating because I essentially “gutted’ the 2019 version of its beginning and end until all that was left was the middle of the story (aka the actual story). AKA: this is the only story I’ve ever written with a hopeful ending and I cut out all the happy bits lol I am SO sorry (that arc is more for a novel or novella). That’s how this went from a 5k word story to an 1800 word story (my Submittable thanks me for this lol). A lot of details and scenes I included were more pertinent to a 3 act structure/novel, which of course short stories don’t often have because of their brevity. I love rambling about writing theory, and seeing that actually pay off is so fascinating!

(TW: trauma)

Like the original, this story follows Joanne, a woman in her early twenties, who spontaneously breaks up with her boyfriend. She claims the poltergeist haunting her drove her to this decision. The original draft focused a lot more on the traumatic events Joanne survives, but this draft really loosens them up. It focuses less so on the events themselves, and more on how Joanne’s life is affected. I found the details of these events were less important, and even sort of contradicted Joanne’s insistence she is being haunted. Instead, the poltergeist really takes more precedence in the new draft as a force Joanne doesn’t understand. That ambiguity, I think, is what the story truly needed.

I also centralized Joanne’s relationship with her boyfriend, Julian, here. Now don’t get me wrong, I really didn’t add anything to this draft. It was a matter of trimming the fat around it to leave the lean “meat” in the centre. But by removing that fat, I was able to emphasize what was most important here, and that was her relationship. Julian always played a really big role in the original draft, but I feel like his role as both a friend and partner to Joanne is much more emphasized since this draft literally is only two scenes now. Because there is less, there is more room for Joanne to reflect, which I’m happy about!

A final change I made was the setting and therefore the title. The original, which was “NYC in Your Apartment,” I couldn’t keep because I shifted the setting to Toronto (this is how I originally saw it, but in 2019 I just?? couldn’t?? write?? canlit??), and “Toronto in Your Apartment” sounded sort of gross LOL. The new title comes from a line in the story which I think is more relevant to the themes!

The next short story I wrote in January was “How to Spell Alpaca.” This one is super fun because I wrote it SO fast (in about 15 minutes or so). THIS is the writing update if you’re interested in learning more. I talked extensively about this one in that update, but some developments are that I dove into an edit a few weeks ago to really understand the core of the story. I’m still not quite there (this is just an intuitive feeling; I know not everything has “clicked), but I am really intrigued by the two mothers in the story, the narrator, and her newfound acquaintance, Violet. Both really struggle to understand their place as mothers (the narrator even declares she isn’t a mother anymore). The narrator, who is in her 50s, sees herself in Violet, who is much younger (~20s), and so she views Violet’s relationship with her daughter in a cautionary, yet mournful way, like she can see it will end up like her own relationship with her daughter, despite wanting the opposite. This is a really subtle story. I feel like if you blink, you’ll miss the message. But I think it’s compelling for that reason. It’s really a portrait of parenting and how to grapple with mistakes you may make that inevitably affect your children. Wow just unlocked the theme writing this lol.

The final story I wrote in January is “The Party,” which may be in my top 3 faves I’ve ever written. This story follows Aida, a recent divorcee in her ~40s. The day her divorce turns official, she moves into a new house and receives a party invitation addressed to the previous homeowner, yet RSVP’s anyway. At this party, she’s hoping to find some sense of noticeability, having struggled with being nondescript her whole life. Things seem quite normal at the party, until it gets bizarre.

I LOVE this story, y’all. Like “How to Spell Alpaca” it really delves into motherhood. Aida, our narrator, is incredibly hurt after her divorce. She now lives farther from her children she struggled to feel connected to in the first place, and doesn’t really know how to reignite her life. This party is a means to do that. This is the first story I’ve written that contains a “twist” which is strange because I really prefer stories that give us as much info as possible upfront, but yes, this one sort of twists.

February

I wrote one story in February, and that was “Protect the Young.” This title is SO changing when I think of a new one because it’s thematically incorrect, haha, but this story follows a woman in her late 40s whose daughter, Lindy, announces she is married the same day all their backyard chickens turn up dead. The discovery of dead chickens prompts our narrator to recall her ex-husband’s murder and the role her daughter may have played in his death.

I love this story so much! I think this would make a great closing for my short story collection. It just has that vibe! I wrote this for my second fiction workshop. I thought I had to hand in the story a week earlier than I had to, so I panicked and wrote this in one sitting! Little did I know, I did not need to do that lol but I’m very happy because this story is so fun. We get to learn more about Arnold (her ex), his relationship with Lindy, and how that translates to Lindy’s relationship with her new husband, Malcolm. I LOVE true crime (I listen to about 3-4 hours of case coverage daily), and this is my first “true crime” story. Because of that, I’m very sus of a few details that probably wouldn’t slide in actual investigatory work, so I’ll also be working on that in a revision. My professor also gave me a great suggestion that may alter the story’s structure a bit, though I look forward to toggling with it in the future.

March

In March, I was really on a Criminal Minds kick lol. I’ve been watching this show since I was seven (oops), and dove into a rewatch since it hit Disney+! This story, “Where to Run When the Lamb Roars,” is very clearly Rachel watching 5 episodes of CM a day. Oops! We follow 14-year-old Astrid as she and her older half brother kidnap a young girl to sacrifice for their yearly ritual.

I knew a few things going into this story, but the main thing was that I did NOT want to show any details of a potential murder (if one even occurs). I really wanted to keep all of those elements off the page because this story is not about those events, but about Astrid’s relationship with her brother. They are a murderous duo, with Astrid actually being the dominant partner. I wanted to explore that. I knew her brother, Fox, was more of a submissive partner in their team, even when he used to do this same thing with his father when he was much younger (chilling!), and so it was a task to explore how this young girl’s desire for violence works. The end actually comes right before the story starts, one could say, but I like it for this reason. It really made me contemplate the story by the time I finished it, and helped me examine what it really was about versus what it appeared to be about.

April

(TW: sexual content, non explicit)

I was so busy this month! Who knows if I’ll write a story last minute, but I did write one story this month called “Five Times Fast.” I wrote this during a “writing sprint” that was being hosted at a flash fiction workshop I recently took with one of my favourite writers ever, K-Ming Chang. I learned so much from this class, and am so happy I came out of it with a draft! This story is just over 300 words, so the shortest flash I’ve ever written, but I’m really happy with it. It was based off the prompt “describe the last time you or your character was naked.” In this case, the narrator has a “friends with benefits” relationship with Ricky who works at a laundromat. This story highlights a moment in this relationship (and also Ricky’s goofy personality lol). I really like it! Hopefully I’ll submit it to some magazines soon.

My short story collection

Very briefly I wanted to touch on my short story collection which I’ve titled “She is Also Dead.” I’ve been meaning to make a blog post on this, so look out for that in the coming months, but this collection is already at around 35k words (about 14 stories so far). The collection also surprisingly has a solid amount of flash fiction which is kind of fun! There’s definitely a range here, which is what I personally love in short story collections.

I feel very professional now that I have a ~collection chart. This is her:

(image description: A chart with the title “She is Also Dead.” It is broken into four columns: Story, Status, Word Count, and Published. Entry 1 - Story: Slaughter the Animal. Status: Revisions, Word Count, 3982, Published: N/A. Entry 2 - Story: Joanne, I’ll Pray for You, Status: Polished, Word Count: 1809, Published: N/A. Entry 3 - Story: Primary Organs, Status: Published, Word Count: 2342, Published: The Malahat Review. Entry 4 - Story: Faberge, Status, Polished, Word Count: 619, Published: N/A. Entry 5 - Story: The Wolf-Antelope Will Not Come for Us, Status, Polished, Word Count: 1556, Published: filling Station (forthcoming). Entry 6 - Story: How to Spell Alpaca, Status: revisions, Word Count: 1327, Published: N/A. Entry 7 - Story: Blink Twice for Final Judgement, Status: Polished, Word Count: 6572, Published: N/A. Entry 8 - Story: The Species is Dead, Status: Published, Word Count: 1208, Published: Minola Review. Entry 9 - Story: Shark Swimming, Status: Polished, Word Count: 907, Published: N/A. Entry 10 - Story: The Party, Status, Polished, Word Count 2339, Published: N/A. Entry 11 - Story: Fig, Status: Polished, Word Counter: 947, Published: N/A. Entry 12 - Story: Protect the Young, Status: Revisions, Word Count: 4128, Published: N/A. Entry 13 - Story: Where to Run When the Lamb Roars, Status: Revisions, Word Count: 2174, Published: N/A. Entry 14 - Story: Phantom Limbs, Status: Revisions, Word Count: 4844, Published: N/A.) /end image description.

This order is DEFINITELY not permanent (at this point whenever I write a story, I just fit it randomly into this chart lol), and some of the info is outdated (for example, Slaughter the Animal is now polished!!! thank god!!!). But just an idea of what I’m thinking of including.

This is the summary so far:

In SHE IS ALSO DEAD, characters are pushed to act on their gravest impulses. A small town turns murderous when their local invasive species, the Janices, begin dying. A child struggles to understand her mother’s suicide. A college dropout who insists she’s being haunted by a poltergeist unexpectedly breaks up with her boyfriend. A mother acknowledges her daughter’s murderous tendencies after her backyard chickens mysteriously die. A young girl caters the funeral of a girl rumored to be killed by a wolf-antelope. A newly-divorced mother RSVP’s to a bizarre party she was not invited to, and a murderous brother and sister upkeep their yearly tradition of abducting a young girl. These stories follow characters who navigate death, violent desires, womanhood, and loss, both self-imposed and otherwise.

This is also so subject to change as I may pull and add stories to the collection!

I think I’m going to leave this update here for now! I’ve written TONS of poetry too, but I honestly ~hate my poetry right now lol, so! Hope you enjoyed this chill rambly update. Hope writing has going well for you all! All the best!

--Rachel

[nikatyler]

OC Questions: 5, 14, 23, 32, 41

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be?

Oh, this is hard. From the ones who get posted on this blog frequently, I'd probably choose either Tyler or Ross. I actually hope these two are the ones people think of when they see my username haha :D Also Caleb, but I feel like on first sight he's not as interesting as the other two and he's kind of destined to be the underrated one. But if I had to choose from all the characters I have, I'd have to go with Diana, the protagonist of my nonsims vampire story that I've been working on since 2014. It would be a dream come true to have that published one day, so it kinda makes sense that I would want her to be the popular one.

14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory

He's not exactly my OC (though I like to say that ea provided the face and I made the whole character because there's not much to work with) but I made Caleb Vatore's backstory pretty sad. His father got lost at sea centuries ago (I think I made Caleb like 300 years old in the beginning of NSB? That was a bit too much, I should've gone with less, but yeah if we go with that, his father died approximately 3 centuries ago).

Then when Caleb and Lilith became vampires and joined this vampire clan, the other vampires bullied him because he wasn't always the amazing strong vampire who's able to kick Grim Reaper's ass (ah what a time that was!), he was clumsy and weak and really just a good target for bullying. He wishes he could forget those times.

Then he had this tragic romance with Jillian. He loved her a lot, she wanted to be turned into a vampire, he said no because he had this whole idea of "it's not worth it, you deserve to live a full human life". And then she actually died pretty young and Caleb didn't take it well. And then up until he and Ross became a thing romantically, he kind of just swore off any kind of love and I guess I could say he was miserable and in a really dark place for over a century.

And yes I apparently made both Calebs a depressed mess, I don't know why but it just happened

23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like?

I know this will sound like I'm too lazy to come up with a creative answer but Ross. He went from being just some spoiled jerk who cares about no one (but one person but even treats that one person selfishly) to...I don't even know, but I think about his personality and how he thinks and feels and how he's changed...a lot. It's not even a joke when I say he keeps me up at night because he does lol :D Sometimes.

It doesn't really come through here, sims is not the best medium for deep complex storytelling, at least for me, and the way I usually present myself here doesn't really allow for anything too deep either, but there's just. So much to unpack. He's such an important character to me, and he's grown so much from being just some spoiled jerk. Now even when I look at the part where he's just some spoiled jerk, I see so much more than there was originally. I wish I had time to straight up write a novel about him, that way I could really show what I mean.

32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why?

I don't play horror games so I'm not really sure. Bianca could be fun, I think?

41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!)

My old simblr friend who isn't here anymore drew Miracle for me once when I was having a bad day. We weren't even talking at that point, I think? We were just mutuals back then. That was so awesome and unexpected. I think I have the picture somewhere on my phone still. I miss you, friend, by the way. Not sure if you'll read this but I do.

And then when gen 2 of NSB was ending and Ross and Caleb got married, someone drew them, I'm not sure who it was, I can't check right now and I don't want to @ the wrong person haha (I'm like 95 % sure but...anxiety) but that was great!

Honestly I wish I wasn't always worried about having enough money left in my account. I would comission people all the time. I wish I could get people to draw my OCs haha. With that being said my birthday is in six seven weeks or so. Not giving you guys any ideas or anything.

Anyway, thanks for the ask! It was nice to talk so much, I haven't had a chance for that lately. ♥

[evandearest]

The Garden of Eden | Part I: Cycles

Pairing: James March x reader (you) |  ~Part: (1/4)~

Summary (Part One): Life with James March involved has had many cycles. In a time long ago, you once flourished. But things don’t always stay the same forever, do they? Will James find his way back to you?

Warnings (in this part): physical / mental / verbal abuse (child and adult), violence, graphic descriptions of murder / blood, dark themes, heartbreak, extreme emotional grief, just overall dark. avoid if any of the aforementioned is triggering.

Word count: 2,223

IMPORTANT Notes: Hello! I’m so excited to start this series that @etoile-writings​ requested that I can hardly type fast enough! lol. I really hope that I can do this justice!

The request was: juxtaposition - (noun) the fact of two things being seen or placed close together with contrasting effect. AND true love over a forced marriage + lots of fun ideas, such as flowers. Read on my blog for more if you want. I also suck at summaries but I thought I’d give it a try.

Speaking of flowers, I just wanted to say specifically to the requester: I didn’t just pick white roses because they are my personal favorite, but also because of their symbolism to the reader character. White roses symbolize purity, innocence, and youthfulness, associating with young love and eternal loyalty, and can also symbolize a new beginning and everlasting love. Just wanted to say that because I found it very interesting and symbolic!

SO... I have a few notes before we begin. 1) This is set before James died, approximately the year 1926. Since this is a fan-fictional story, the events are slightly warped from the show. The main plot of the show still flows, but this is kind of worked in, in a way. So the plot of the show doesn’t really change all that much. The second thing 2) a lot of things in this story will become clear as I post more parts. There will be more flashbacks and the plot will expand drastically. This is pretty much just an introduction. Just wanted to put that out there. And 3) I plan to do four parts, but that may be subject to change.

Some things never change.

That you had found to be true. The cycle of life was incredible. The lessons in life you were meant to learn were imprinted into your being by repetitious events that were sometimes out of your control. You knew that too well.

People had always told you, “God works in mysterious ways.” It hadn’t been so apparent to you until you had experienced that mystery yourself. It seemed that your life had entered its second cycle. It seemed that you had lived this exact moment once before.

Your head was pounding, a moan sounding when his fist collided into your side again. You kept your arms up in defense, as it was the only thing stopping him from hitting your face. That hurt much worse, and it was harder to hide. Explaining to your neighbors why there are bruises on your face was the last thing you would need. You’d already done it last time this had happened. Of course, you hadn’t expected this to happen again. You’d put too much faith into your husband. A wretched sob left your burning throat, your face soaking wet with tears.

“Please stop,” you pleaded, whimpering, while your husband Robert laughed.

“Maybe next time you should just keep your mouth shut,” he spat, sighing as he rubbed his knuckles. A fleeting memory flashed before your eyes.

“Maybe next time you should just keep your mouth shut!”

“I-I’m sorry!” you cried, clutching your jaw as you scrambled across the floor.

“Yeah, of course you are now,” the old man said maliciously, towering over your small frame. He laughed, shaking his head. “You think in vain of yourself. You can’t believe that a man would ever want a woman who talked to him like that. You believe that because you’re so innocent people will treat you as such.” He squatted down in front of you, his face getting closer to yours. “Well, I have something you need to know, young girl. Most of us humans don’t really care about others.” He chuckled again, standing up. “We’re all in it for ourselves.” He shook his head. His fist pulled back again, and you gasped, throwing your arms over your head.

“Leave her alone!”

James came racing into the room, his hands pushing his father’s fist away before it hit you. He shoved him back, and you watched in amazement. You couldn’t believe that he stood up to his father. Just moments before, as he had told you of the abuse, he had been shaking at even the thought of his father hitting him.

That’s what had led you into the conversation in the first place. When James had told you of how his father had been treating him since he was seven years old to now, at almost eighteen, you couldn’t help yourself. You’d thought that confrontation would stop him, or maybe he would realize how wrong it was if you had showed him. You were wrong, and now here you were, your favorite floral blouse torn, your jaw aching from the impact of his father’s hit.

You were wrong, and now James was in another bad situation. You stared at James, wondering why he would ever step in. Why he would ever step in when he knew what his father would do.

“You stupid boy!” The old man yelled, his fist striking James’ face. “Do you just like being beat? Don’t tell me it’s because you love this naïve girl!” James’ glare burned holes into his father’s face, his jaw set firmly.

It clicked behind your eyes. He loved you. He stepped in because he was protecting you, because he didn’t want you to experience what he had.

His father chuckled as he looked between the two of you; James now standing beside your form on the floor. He shook his head, and left the room without another word, although he slammed the door. You jumped at the loud impact, scurrying to stand beside James. There was a moment of silence before you spoke.

“James,” you whispered, studying his face. He didn’t say anything, but you knew he was listening. “Do you believe him? Are all people really that selfish?”

James still remained silent, but that was enough of an answer for you. You simply couldn’t accept that. You couldn’t accept that all people only cared about themselves. Not when you had seen it for yourself, firsthand with James and your family, or even the kindness of strangers.

But you were wrong again. Your own father had proved that to you when he had you married off to Robert Williams for money. It opened your eyes, and only then had you seen everything that people did just to get what they wanted. And now you know that the only person who ever cared about you was James. And you were ripped away from him just before you were able to begin a life with him, all because your father didn’t believe he would be able to take care of you. You’d never even known he cared so much about James’ wealth, or lack thereof.

For a while, that hadn’t been the end of it. You’d still think about James in your every waking moments. Sure, you’d settled into your new life with your new husband. At first, you had even gotten along with one another. You learned how to accept what you had, keep your spirit, and be as grateful as you could for simple things such as safety. But that changed too. The problem arose at the topic of children. To you, the thought of having a child with Robert made you sick to your stomach. You just didn’t want to fake it with him, but you didn’t know how to tell him that. You couldn’t give and raise a child with a man you didn’t love. You supposed it was because you still had hope that you’d see James again. For many years, he had believed your excuses, until he had grew tired of you pushing it off. That’s where the anger and violence had begun. So you ran.

At the very moment that you read about James in the newspaper, you ran. You ran straight to his luxurious brand new hotel. You couldn’t believe it. You couldn’t believe that poor boy you’d left behind all those years ago had turned into such a successful man. You’d just hoped that he still loved you like you loved him; that he hadn’t forgotten about you.

But once again, as life repeats, you were wrong. James’ life was nothing you ever could have imagined. He’d built his hotel from scratch, and that was after he had clawed his way up the chain of command. He was filthy rich, living life in the most prosperous way imaginable, his power undeniable. You were in awe. If only your father could see him now. If only he’d seen what you had in James all those years ago when he had first began his journey to being a self-made man.

But wealth wasn’t the only thing that had changed. James obviously didn’t love you anymore. How could he, when he had a new wife? Elizabeth was her name. She seemed lovely, and it was wrong of you to assume he would never move on from you. Even if you’d never moved on from him.

So you stayed. You had no choice but to at this point. You had no where else to turn, no where else to go, no real life of your own. Just memories of a life long ago to hold onto.

You wept as you curled in on yourself. Your husband stood there, his breathing heavy as he glared at you with the anger of a thousand hurricanes in his eyes.

“You were the biggest mistake of my life,” he snarled, an expression of disappointment settling on his face. “A wife that won’t even give me children.” He scoffed and chuckled dryly. “What a pathetic joke.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered. You cupped your hands over your face, sniffling.

“Stop saying that!” He suddenly boomed, his fist raising once again. You shouted out in protest at the incoming attack, bracing yourself for the pain.

At what seemed to be the most perfect timing, a knock sounded at the front door.

Robert froze in his place, his fist hovering in mid-air. You sighed in relief, pushing yourself further into the wall, balled up in a fetal position on the floor. He turned, shooting a hesitant look back at you, before slowly making his way to answer the door.

The door handle jiggled as he opened it, and although you couldn’t see, you listened intently from your position in the living room.

“Hello,” Robert greeted whomever was on the other side of the door. “May I help you?”

“Greetings, sir,” replied the voice of a man. You froze. You could’ve sworn you knew that voice. But it couldn’t be.

“Yeah?” said your husband.

“Would it happen that a woman by the name of ‘Y/F/N Y/L/N’ resides here?” said the man. You let out a breath. It was him. It was James.

Robert paused, and you began contemplating revealing yourself.

“She’s busy,” Robert rushed out nervously.

There was another pause, this time from James.

“I’m not sure you’re telling the truth, sir,” said James. “You seem to be quite flustered.”

“She- she can’t come right now,” Robert demanded, “she’s busy. Come another time.”

You panicked. He was going to make him leave! This was your only chance!

“Help!” you shouted, before even having time to think about it.

Before you knew it, the man you had dreamed of for so many years was standing before you. You gasped as your eyes met his, the same dark brown framed by his sharp masculine features. It was as if you had seen the sun after years in the dark. Your eyes took in his features before shifting to look at the object in his hands. A bouquet of white roses lay clasped between his hands; your flowers. He had remembered. He really had come back for you. Finally, you had your James again.

“What is the meaning of this?” Robert shouted as he followed quickly behind James. James’ head turned slowly to look at the man, his jaw locking firmly as his eyes settled on him.

“How about,” James clicked his tongue, pausing for a mere second, “you explain the meaning of this.” He gestured toward you, his head turning to briefly look at you again. Robert crossed his arms.

“I don’t think I’m inclined to tell you anything,” he said, a look of resentment taking over his expression. “In fact, I think you should see your way out.” James stared at the man for a moment before his lips upturned into a small smirk.

“Of course,” he grinned, his accent drawing the words out. Your heart skipped a beat as he slowly began walking towards the hallway to the front door. No, you thought. He couldn’t leave. You thought he had come back for you. He couldn’t leave you, not when you needed him the most. Not when you’d waited this long. 

Just as your hopes had almost been crushed, James spun around. What happened next was hard to process immediately. Blood suddenly covered James’ face and chest, spurting out from Robert’s throat as James’ knife slid smoothly across, the skin slicing like butter. James stood, a look of satisfaction on his face, his eyes settling upon yours. A flicker of what seemed like doubt rushed across his face as you grew silent, your eyes wide and innocent as you stared at him, digesting what had just happened.

“James?” you whispered.

“Yes, dear?” he said smoothly, his jaw moving back and forth slowly as he worked it nervously. You climbed to your feet, padding over to him softly. Your hand slowly came up to rest upon his cheek, thumb softly gliding over the bone there, the blood on his face smearing with the movement. Your other hand gently grabbed the roses from his hands, glancing down at them adoringly, your lips curling into a smile.

“Darling,” James said hesitantly, eyebrows furrowing, “I apologize if I’ve frightened you.” You smiled up at him.

“No,” you said reassuringly. “No, quite the opposite.” You paused, studying James’ handsome features. You leaned in slowly, your breaths mingling. “You’ve freed me.” It was a whisper, barely audible, but at your close proximity, you knew he could hear. You could feel the warmth of his body so close to yours as you moved closer and closer. Your lips met in a passionate kiss, James arms enveloping you, the world seeming to align once more.

It seemed as if you had no worries, no hardships; that all of your anxieties had magically disappeared with his kiss. He’d reset your life. He’d given you everything you wanted just by being in yours. All those years that you had waited for him seemed worth it. All of your blind devotion seemed worth it. James had finally, finally come back to you.

All those people had been right: God did work in mysterious ways. And in that moment, you decided James was your meant to be; your heaven on Earth; your purpose of being. Or further... he was your God.

---

Series Masterlist: The Garden of Eden Series

Main Masterlist