#she's been assigned mom at 25

[belovedblabber]

I keep staying up way too late and now I’m thinking about Seril my little curse of strahd gunslinger and how I need to talk about her more on here because I want to talk about her so bad

[g0thsoojin]

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[luvwestwood]

"Working Overtime" - Toji Fushiguro

4,469 words.

warnings. nsfw (18+), toji is your boss, escort reader, thigh riding, p in v, spitting, toji rails you on a balcony, exhibitionism?, toji fucks you on a pile of money, mention of size difference, hair pulling, eye contact, oral sex (f receiving), creampie, praising, light aftercare

notes. corporate girlie by day, escorting by night. out of all people, who knew your own boss had to be tonights client? (ok but wealthy toji is such a refreshing experience from broke homeless smelly ass toji.)

art used is by @/yunonoai

Being able to say you work under Mr. Fushiguro meant that you were gifted of some kind. Just having the privilege to do so puts you on top of others in society.

Toji Fushiguro himself possessed a different category of wealth. Any high-rise building you walk into in the whole of New York, you could be 99.9% sure that he owns it.

Five star hotels, bars of any kind, and award-winning Michelin restaurants. Oh, you name it. This was his world and we were just living in it.

On the other hand, the Fushiguro company's pay was decent. Working conditions were way above standard. It was a luxury to work in his office, but knowing you, it just wasn't enough.

You needed more than that. Which is why you took up escorting, suggested by your best-friend one night while the two of you were intoxicated by liquor. She told you that you had the looks, the bod, and a personality anyone would die for. And lastly, you were captivating - you could have anything your way.

At first you took it as a joke. Thinking she was just being a lick ass. But surprisingly you had tried it out not long after the idea was proposed, and you ended up making almost double your annual net salary in just four months. This night job was a secret that only you and your best-friend knows about.

Of course, you worked on the weekends. Choosing to work Monday to Thursday would’ve been self sabotage.

You had more than enough money to buy whatever you want, send your mom on holiday, and you were always on top of rent. Your corporate job was just something to get through the day with rather than rotting at home.

During shifts, you and the other escorts would hang around in the night club changing rooms. Most of the girls were also strippers in the same club, but that wasn’t really your thing. So you just stayed with escorting. Your manager would just assign each of you clients, unless someone has personally booked you in.

Speaking of which, a voice came from the door frame. “Star, you have a client tonight. 9PM.” Star wasn’t your real name, it was just a fake one that you used while you escorted. It was safer, and most of the other girls did the same.

You look at Geto, your boss, in the reflection of the vanity mirror. Busy polishing up your eyeliner, you try your best not to poke yourself in the eye. “Name? And did he obey my no-home rule?”

As an escort, you did have some rules for your own service. You figured you’ve been doing this for quite a reasonable amount of time, so you made a personal rule where you’d refuse to go to a clients house. For safety reasons.

“Goes by the name.. uh… Eznin? And he did indeed. Seems like he booked in for the Ritz Carlton on 25 West. Think he’s a first time client too.” He reads the details off his tablet.

Of course, it just had to be one of Fushiguros hotels. You literally couldn’t escape that man.

The other girls in the room purred, “Aren’t you lucky.. Seems like he has money, don’t ya think?” Meimei takes a puff of her cigarette, looking at you in the mirror aswell for a response. “Maybe check for an expensive watch? I’d take it if I were you.”

“Not funny, Meimei.” She was known for stealing from her clients, you never knew how she got away with it. It even got so bad to the point that she sp¡ked a client, taking his wallet afterwards.

Getting up from the chair, you made your way behind the dressing divider, shimmying your robe off to slide on a dark blue lingerie set. Over it, you wore a simple black dress. I mean, you could never go wrong with a little black dress.

Throwing on some matching strappy heels, you stuffed your purse with some condoms and lube. And a plan B, of course.

“Your rides sorted,” Geto stood back from the door frame. “I’ll text you any further details.”

“Copy,” after spritzing on some perfume, you made your way out of the club.

An all-black SUV was waiting for you outside the entrance. Your favourite driver, Todo was standing beside the car door, smiling as you approached him.

“Hi, Todo.” You smiled as he held the door open.

“You look wonderful miss.” Todo smiles back before closing the door, walking around to the drivers side.

The car drives on, and as you were securing a secret mic in your purse, (for safety reasons but the client never knows) Todo speaks.

“Ah- Miss, not sure if I should disclose this information but your client tonight is.. very wealthy.” His leather covered hands clutch onto the wheel. “I’d be more demanding if I were you, make the most of it.”

Breaking out into a laugh, you stop fiddling with your bag, to look at him in the rear view mirror. “..Is that so?”

“Yeah… thought I might let you know.” He grins, bringing the car to a stop. Todo quickly scurries out of the vehicle before you could, opening the door for you.

“Thanks for the ride, Todo.” You slipped a $20 bill in his hand. “I’ll text you when I’m finished.”

He nods, getting back into the car as you made your way inside of the hotel.

Checking your phone for updates, Geto sent you a text with all the details around five minutes ago.

Eznin Caln 30 years old, Net worth- $307,473,297 Floor number 43, he’ll let you in.

You walked over to the elevators, luckily one was already open. Taking a look at the buttons panel, you looked for a 43. Noticing it was the last highest button, you raised an eyebrow before pressing it.

Clutching onto the straps of your purse, the doors closed. You could only look at yourself in the metal reflection, taking a few deep breaths. Of course, you made sure to send a text back to Geto to let him know you were at the hotel.

Although you were decently experienced in this job, you’d still get nervous each time you were about to meet your clients.

Setting down the fly aways in your hair, the elevator came to a halt.

*Ding!*

The metal doors opened before your eyes. Hesitant, you walked inside, the bottom of your heels tapping against the wooden floors.

“..Hello?” You peeked inside the other rooms in the penthouse, one being a mini office that seemed like someone was just there, the other being a bedroom with big windows and a balcony, overlooking the city.

A deep voice spoke behind you. “Can I help you?”

You gasp, clutching onto your chest as you turned around. “I’m so sorr- Mr. Fushiguro?!”

Your eyes widened, and his mouth wide open. He was only in a towel wrapped around his waist, his dark hair wet from a fresh shower. You couldn’t help but ogle the drops of water that decorated his muscular body.

“…Are you.. the escort?”

Unable to form words, you swallowed your spit before speaking. “I.. I am.” You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, looking down at the ground.

“Alright, make yourself comfortable.” He eyed you up and down, a mini towel in his hand to dry his hair. “Sorry you have to see me like this, excuse me while I put some clothes on.”

Is he not going to question anything?..

Your breath hitched, God, did he know I was eyeing him? “Okay..”

He turned around to go back to the bathroom, but looked over his shoulder as he was doing so. “Just call me Toji, we’re outside of work.”

You watched as Toji continued to walk away, “Well.. I’m basically working, aren’t I.” you muttered under your breath, making sure he doesn’t hear.

Looking around, you remembered that he owned this hotel. I should’ve known when I was going to the 43rd floor, he doesn’t let anyone in here.

You walked over to his bedroom, it was bigger than your own apartment. The sheets were neatly made, and a bottle of Malbec sat on a table near the window.

Placing your purse on small sofa, you removed your jacket, neatly folding it over the arm rest aswell.

You made your way to his closet, in search for a white robe. There was a robe on the hanger beside his freshly dry cleaned suits. You took it out, tracing your fingers over “The Ritz-Carlton” that was embroidered onto the front in cursive.

Sliding your dress off, you covered yourself in the robe, only the dark blue lingerie set underneath. Afterwards you tied a knot around your waist with the belt. Kicking off your heels, you placed them inside the closet, along with your dress that was neatly folded.

Although you were an escort, you made sure to clean up after yourself. You hated leaving a mess around, so you respected your clients by making sure to leave the place clean.

You could hear Toji walk into the bedroom. Closing the doors of the closet, you turned to him, and he was already busy getting the wine bottle open with a corkscrew.

Taking a seat on the armchair in front of him, causing you to be at crotch level with Toji. You watched as his arms flex each time he handled the bottle.

You noticed Toji was in a more relaxed outfit. He wore a dark grey cotton longsleeve that sculpted over his muscles like paint, with bottoms in a matching colour and fabric.

“Toji,” you called out his name.

The pouring of the wine stopped, his fingers gently pushing the glass towards you. “Hmm?”

Taking the glass by the stem, you twisted it between your fingers. “Do you regularly hire escorts?”

Toji walked over to the edge of the bed, sitting down. He sighed, looking at the city view in front of him. “No,” taking a sip, he continued. “This is my first time, actually.”

You did the same, but taking a tinier sip. You didn’t want to be tipsy while carrying out your service. It was too dangerous. “..Oh.”

Looking back at Toji, he was busy staring at the red liquid swirling around in the glass. “I dont even really know how they work.”

As you were about to take another sip, you paused. Your eyes looked at him over the rim of the glass, before placing it back down on the table.

“You can just do whatever you want with me, really.” You crossed your legs, exposing the bare skin on your thigh to him.

"I see," he nods, slightly leaning back onto the bed, using his hands for support.

"So, you made up your mind yet?" you got up from the arm chair, making your way to Toji who was on the bed. "What you wanna do?" You stood yourself between his legs, as he tried his best to hold himself back from pulling on the knot that was holding your entire robe together.

Toji's hands rested on your hips on top the robe, dangerously close to your ass. He made sure to bring you closer to him, almost pressing your chest to his face at this point. "I don't know," His free hand tugged on the knot of the belt, slowly unraveling it until the robe slid off your body. "Maybe you, if that's an option."

He could feel his cock strain against his pants as he took in the sight of you in nothing but lingerie, it felt like he was opening a present on his birthday. Blue was his favorite color.

You choked on your words at his response, he sure did have a way with his words. "I don't usually allow that, but maybe I'll let it slide tonight."

Toji caressed your wet lip with his thumb, gradually sliding it inside of your mouth as you sucked on it gently. He stops and moves you to the side by the waist, getting up from the bed.

Confused, you stay standing in front of the bed, watching Toji as he grabs something from the drawer. He eventually makes his way back onto the bed, but this time, leaning his head back against the head-board.

Toji takes out his wallet, pulling a $20 bill out and placing it on the nightstand beside him. "..Crawl over to me."

Your lashes flutter as you watched him place the bill on the night stand, you could only obey what he asked you to do. 'I'm just doing my job.. this doesn't mean anything. He will forget about this.' You constantly chanted this in your thoughts, completely disregarding the fact that he was your boss.

You crawled onto the bed, and slowly to him. Toji's eyes watched you closely making sure to tell you, "Stop," as you were just about to crawl onto his lap.

He takes out another $20 bill from his wallet, this time, two. Toji gently raised his knee, just enough for it to rub against your warm cunt that was covered by the lace panties. "Ride my leg, until I tell you to stop."

Aroused, which you are not meant to be, you couldn't help but sink yourself down onto his leg. Part of you wanted this, but you did at good job at not showing it.

You slowly started to move your hips back and forth on his lower thigh, placing both of your hands down in front of you for support. Toji's hardened cock begging to come out as he watched you closely.

If you were to lift up his top, you’d be able to see his leaking top peeking out of his waistband. The straps of your bra slowly fell down off your shoulders. Toji could almost groan at this lewd sight in front of him.

"Good girl," He did his best to hold himself back from holding onto your hips, "Keep going."

A spot on the fabric of his pants turned into a darker grey than before, your slick making its way through your panties. Nothing can be done.

Breathy moans started to crawl out of your throat, Toji noticing as you started to grind on his leg harder and slightly faster. "Stop."

You whimpered quietly as Toji retracted his leg from underneath you, observing the newly made wet spot on his pants. "Look at this mess you made all over me.."

Speechless, and breathless, you fell back onto your heels in front of Toji, he took another bill out, but this time $50.

"..I want that bra off." He slaps the bill onto the growing pile on the nightstand, followed by another 50. But he doesn't take his eyes off you. "And the panties. They're kinda annoying me now."

Doing exactly as he said, Toji's hand rested on his crotch, aching to palm himself through his pants. You slowly, but teasingly unclasped your bra, Toji clearing his throat by the time your tits were finally on display to him.

Followed by your soaked underwear, which at this point was no use. They managed to fly across the bedroom, hanging off a small statue that was on top of a console table.

He just wanted to wrap his mouth around each of them, or even motorboat your titties.

Toji propped himself up in a less relaxed position. "Lie down on your back, legs spread."

Your last sight was him before you fell back on to the bed, your head nearly hanging off the edge. Toji noticed your nipples hardened as soon as your skin made contact with the cold satin sheets. You felt the weight of the bed shift around, as Toji grabbed both of your legs by the thighs, positioning his head between them.

Squirming about, Toji peppered kisses on your inner thighs, his large hand wrapped around one of them. Wasting no time, he went straight to sucking and softly biting on your folds, using his tongue to lap at your bud until it was swollen. Moaning into your pussy, he softly massaged the flesh of your thigh, the vibrations from his grunts adding more to your stimulation.

Busy sucking away, wet noises from his tongue and the slick of your dripping pussy echoing throughout the bedroom. His hand reached behind him, then slowly went back over his shoulder. It was a $100 bill, tucked between his index and middle finger.

You were too busy hanging your head off the edge of the bed in pleasure, grabbing the sheets beside you and wrinkling them as Toji devoured you like he hasn't eaten for weeks.

The paper bill fell onto your stomach, tickling you slightly. You could feel Toji spit onto your pussy, the saliva trickling down almost into your hole before he slurped it back up, sticking his fingers in there instead. You felt them slide into you with ease, Toji swirling his warm tongue around on your clit.

"O-oh God.. To..ji." You managed to choke out a moan, your manicured hands clawing at his hair and eventually messing it up.

Letting go of your thigh, he used his now free hand to fondle with your breasts eagerly, twisting your nipples between his fingertips before giving them a slap.

One last lick on your clit, Toji removed his head between your legs, this time his whole body kneeling between them. You sneakily push up against him, his bulge through his pants grazing against your bare cunt.

Using your strength to lift your head from the edge of the bed, you watched as he took off his shirt, letting it fall onto the floor. Its neckline was soaked from eating you out earlier, but we don't talk about that.

Panting, his hands frantically rummage through his wallet. You noticed it was still bulky, as if the previous cash he pulled out didn't make any difference to the amount he had now.

Toji pulled out $1000 all in 20 bills, your eyes widening, wondering if he was serious.

"Please.. let me fuck you." Toji also sat back on his heels, $1000 in his hands as you were underneath him, fully naked. He just wanted to indulge himself in you, and if he could, he'd make this night last forever.

You slowly nodded, honestly begging to having his cock inside of you too. Before you knew it, your vision was filled with the $1000 raining down onto your body, and by your sides on the bed. He quickly pulled his bottoms down to his knees, before realising they were too annoying. He proceeds to fully kick them off.

Toji glances around the room for a condom, before you stopped him. "..Is it okay if we don't use one? ..I want to feel every inch of you."

You read his mind. "Anything you want, gorgeous."

His large hands shuffled through the pile of cash that was over your body, making sure that he could still see your tits and your beautiful face.

One hand grabbed onto your waist, and the other was used to align the tip of his cock with your hole. As soon as he slightly pushed the tip in, both of his hands were on your waist now.

Toji carefully slid in, making sure you take every inch of him. He closes his eyes in pleasure as he feels your plush walls clench around him, Tojis grip on your waist intensifying.

And, god was he big. In both cock, and Toji in general, he could destroy you if he decided to use full stength tonight.

"Y-you're too.. big," Toji not even halfway, you cry out, only wrinkling the sheets more to the point they weren't tucked into the frame hotel-style anymore.

You could feel both of his thumbs caress the soft skin of your sides as he cooed, "I know baby, I know," Toji let out a grunt as he tried to move in and out of you.

The difference of size between you and Toji made you throb, at this point he could just use his hands to fuck you on his cock back and forth like a doll in his grasp.

Toji starts to pant as he picked up the pace of his ruts, your tits bouncing, only adding to the pornographic sight in front of him.

Covering your face with your hands, you moan into them, the feeling of being full with Tojis cock was driving you mad. You could feel one hand let go of your waist, bringing it to your wrist to pull it away from covering your face.

The rustling of the cash beneath you and the sound of skin slapping echoed out into the living room from the bedroom. "Look at me when I fuck you," Toji says sternly, causing you to whimper in agitation as you did your best to keep your eyes on his.

"To..Toji.." You moan out, choking on your words as your hand grabbed onto his that was wrapped around on your waist.

"Come on doll, say my name." Turning feral, Toji pounds into you like a fleshlight. Voice shaking as you try to moan out his name, and by tomorrow you wouldn't be surprised if you lost your voice.

He comes to a halt, completely. Toji slides his cock out of you, a creamy white ring formed at the base. You whine before he hushes you. "Y'know what," He picks you up, cradling you in his arms.

You switch positions, instead you lock your legs around his waist, as the two of you made your way to the balcony door of the bedroom. Is he..

*click!*

Toji slid the glass door open, the two of you stepping out into the balcony. It wasn't cold, and you could see the still busy city carrying on with life underneath the hotel.

Suddenly, Toji peeled your legs off his waist, making you face the railing, and the city in front of you. You gasp as he roughly positioned your body, placing one leg up onto the rail, your two hands clutching onto the cold metal.

He slides into you again, but this time not allowing you to adjust. Toji immediately goes in with brutal force, your ass ripping against his pelvis as he drilled into you. On the balcony. For anyone to watch.

Toji spits again, his saliva falling onto your asshole and soon enough drips onto his cock that was continuously pounding in and out of you.

Your moans broke out into a giggle due to the ticklish feeling, Toji couldn’t help but smile at your reaction.

Both hands on your waist, Toji groans in pleasure and praises you non-stop for taking him like a good girl. His hand wrapped around your lower stomach as he felt you give in, your legs unable to support yourself. "You're doing so good for me," he whispers in to your ear, only to leave a trail of wet kisses down your back afterwards,

You moan continuously, for sure, everyone below could hear. Your hand made its way to Toji's nape, bringing him closer to you as he repeatedly fucked into your sweet spot.

"I’d do anything to be able to see a view like this one for the rest of my life," his left hand made its way down to your clit, lazily rubbing circles.

This just did it for you, lowly moaning, you let go of Tojis neck. Leaning forward, you rest your chin on the metal rail ontop of your same hands that were grabbing onto it. But a certain someone didn't let you do that.

Toji immediately grabbed you by your hair, pulling you back against his chest, taking your leg off the rail. You felt him interlock his hands around your inner elbow, suddenly fucking into you upwards as you grab onto his bicep for support.

"G-o-d Toji, please just f-u-ck your c-um into me." The enunciation of your words came out in bits, as Toji drilled up into you at a brutal pace.

He grinned against your necks skin, leaning further to plant kisses on your jaw."You want me to fill you with my cum, huh?"

You frantically nod, but that wasn't enough of an answer for a man like Toji.

"Oh baby, use your words." He purred into your ear, holding his orgasm to make sure you get it when you deserve it.

"I need it- I need it so ba-ad." You whimpered out, squeezing onto his bicep. "Please, Toji."

He whined, balls tightening as he heard you beg for him. You already drove him crazy, and that only drove him crazier. With one deep thrust, his movements come to a halt, allowing his warm, thick seed to fill you up completely.

Toji placed more kisses onto your back and your neck, making sure to never lose grip of you in case you go all jelly. Followed by him, slowly pulling his cock out of you, his load dripping out of your hole and onto the balcony flooring.

He stuck two of his fingers back into you, slowly fucking the load inside of you to make sure it stays inside. With his cum covered fingers, he slid the two of them past your lips and into your mouth. You sucked on them, humming as it covered your taste buds, and eventually swallowing.

Toji slapped your ass, and you yelped, giving him a glare. He chuckled before picking you back up bridal style, carrying you back inside the penthouse.

He gently and carefully placed you on the bed, quickly cleaning a bit of the mess you two made around the room.

"How about I go run us a nice bath, hmm?"

Fiddling with your thumbs, you watched as Toji neatly fold the pile of money together alongside the one on the night stand. Of course, it’s still yours. "That sounds good," You smiled as he walked over to give you a peck on the forehead.

The dripping of water from the bath tap rang throughout the room, Toji leaning back against you as the two of you were in the tub. You squeezed a sponge over his abs, the hot water dripping down his skin as he closed his eyes.

"..Toji," you called out his name, and he hums back in response.

You gently rubbed the sponge up and down his arm, "Would you say this counts as me working overtime for you?"

He smiles, opening his eyes to look up at you. "I'll add another $500 bonus and a shopping spree if you ride me in this tub."

You scoff, letting go of the sponge as you sulk against the marble of the tub. "I'm literally stuffed with your cum. I think you had enough, thank you very much."

Toji only laughs, "Aren't you forgetting you got an asshole and that throat of yours? We can easily squeeze in three more rounds."

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⤳ © luvwestwood ‘24. all works are owned by me, and originally come from my own head. please do not re-post on a third party platform without my permission!

⊹ ࣪ ˖ ⤳ as always, thank you for the love on each and every one of my posts. 🎀🩷

[outsideratheart]

Secrets & Lies (Christen Press x reader)

Based of this request.

A/N: This is the longest fic I have ever written with 11,599 words. I hope it isn’t too long and that you all like it. One more thing, ANGST!!!

You had been keeping a secret since the day you were born. Only a few people knew about it and that's because someone else told them but at what point does a secret turn into a lie?

You spent your childhood having bi yearly surgeries but they were only temporary fixes until the doctors felt your heart was strong enough to take the stress of a more complicated surgery. This came when you were 15, it meant you could play the sport you love, and to the naked eye your condition was non existent as long as you took your medication. It wouldn't be the last surgery you had, in fact the doctors told both you and your mom that they would have to do the same surgery again in around 10 years.

It resulted in you learning to live one day at a time and you never looked too far into the future but you couldn't ignore the fact that every year is one step closing to needing a second surgery. So when you turned 25 you couldn't help but feel like you were on borrowed time. Two years after that, the hospital visits became a monthly occurrence in order to keep an eye on your condition and your doctor was surprised that your heart was holding up well and it was but that feeling of being healthy soon came to a halt.

First came the shortness in breath followed by the chest pains, they are symptoms that you are all too familiar with. At first it was manageable but then it got hard to hide the toll it was taking on your body.

"Are you ok kid?" you feel a hand rest on the small of your back as you bend over in attempt to catch your breath after a sprinting drill.

"It's getting worse" you look up at your captain Christine Sinclair "I'll be ok, I have to be. The olympics are around the corner and I can't miss them" the panic in your voice sparks concern within the Canadian.

"Ok, ok, calm down. We will handle this like have in the past, just me, you and the doctors. Have you told Tobin or any of the others how bad it's getting?" you shake your head "Maybe it's time you tell Christen. The two of you have been tog—“

“No! Christen doesn't need to know"

"And when will she? When she is calling an ambulance?"

Christine Sinclair had many abilities and the one you hated the most was how well she showed tough love.

"No Christen and no Tobin. This is my fight and I know how to handle it" you know that the conversation is no where near over but you don't have the energy to talk about it and you don't want to risk the rest of the team hearing you.

At first only you and the Portland Thorns team doctor knew about your heart condition but then your mom told Christine when the thorns were playing Gotham. She wanted someone to know about it in case you were to have an episode. They didn't happen all that often, especially as you got older, but when they did come they were bad.

Portland were in Houston playing the dash before the players would go to their respective national teams. It meant that you had to pack for 3 weeks away. You made your checklist, packed your bag and then went through the list twice, you had everything.

The Thorns ended up beating the dash 3-1 with goals coming from you, Tobin and Lynsey so when you arrived at camp you were all in fantastic moods although yours could have something to do with the fact that you would be seeing Christen for the first time in a month.

As you enter the reception you are told that you are the last to arrive and the team are in the conference room handing out room assignments. As you enter the room you eyes eagerly search for your girlfriend but she isn’t there, worry starts to set in and you nudge tobin who in suit shrugs her shoulders. So her girlfriend and best friend didn’t know where she was. You are just about to raise your hand to ask the question when you feel two arms snake around your waist.

“Looking me for” Christen says quietly as not to interrupt Jill.

You remove one of her hands and place a kiss on the back of it.

“I better not be sharing with Kelley again” You tip your head back to rest on her shoulder.

“You’ll be happy to know I persuaded Jill to let us room together but you have to be on your best behaviour”

“Me!” You turn to face Christen. Your increased volume becoming apparent when Jill calls you out.

“Is there something you would like to share with the team” Jill encourages you to speak up.

"Nothing she can repeat in front of the youngens, right Y/N?" Kelley teases.

The defender knows that you will bite straight away if the teasing had to do with your relationship, more so what goes on behind close doors. You are on the verge of retaliating when Christen places her hand over your mouth.

"Sorry coach, continue" Christen tells Jill.

The team meeting runs a little big longer than you had hoped. Jill taking this time to discuss the basic plan for the camp as well as assigning rooms and then reassigning them when she gets complaints.

You and Christen waste no time in making up for being away from each other. It might have been a few years since the two of you started dating but the way she makes you feel never failed to catch you off guard. The connection you shared reminded you of fireworks and no matter how many times they went off you always jumped.

The two of you cuddled in bed, covered in nothing but the white hotel bed sheets. Christen's head rested on your chest whilst her hand traced shapes on your stomach.

"Your heart feels like it is about to beat out of your chest" whilst Christen jokes it is a reason for concern to you.

You think about it for a second. The Thorns schedule has been gruelling recently and you knew that you were putting stress on your heart but it was fine, you were taking your medication then it hit you, you hadn't taken it this morning.

"My heart will always skip a beat for you" you stare up at the ceiling in fear that Christen will see your pain if she looks you in the eyes.

The pair of you get ready for training all whilst worry starts to sink deeper into your thoughts. Christen knew you took several supplements in a morning but she didn't know what they were and you wanted to keep it this way. When you are on your way down to the lobby you see your chance.

"I'll meet you down there. I forget to take my vitamins" You daren't use the word medication because you know it will cause her to worry. It's the reason why she has no idea about your condition. You saw what the worry did to your mom growing up and you wouldn't put that on your girlfriend.

Luckily Christen doesn't ask any questions and she doesn't follow you back to the room. By the time she gets to the lobby the whole team is there ready and waiting.

"What, no Y/N?" Pinoe asks her fellow forward.

"She forgot her vitamins" Christen says fully unaware of the looks that are shared between Emily and Tobin.

Emily tips her head towards the elevator and Tobin picks up on what she is suggesting.

You are rummaging through your bag hoping that you will find your medication but it is no where to be found. You thought you packed enough for the Thorns trip and the national camp but you hadn't. You didn't know what to do, you knew that if you told Dawn about it she would have you benched and that couldn't happen because you were playing Canada and the team needed you. The sound of someone knocking at the door pulls you out of your head. At first you ignore them, you had more important things going on right now and the person on the other side of the threshold could wait but the knocking continued only louder and more persistently.

"Y/N let me in"

Tobin, just the person you both wanted to see and did not want to see. When she enters she recognises the panic on your face immediately.

"You forgot?" Her tone reminds you of your mom and you didn't care for it.

"I'm fine now" It was a lie but you didn't have a choice  "I'm just tidying up. You know how much of a neat freak Chris is"

You had been taking this medication for 12 years surely you built up enough strength to live without it for a week.

Training was tough to say the least but you chalked it down to the Arizona heat. Tobin kept a close eye on you and even went out of her way to partner up with you during drills which pissed you off more because you wanted to work with Christen. Dawn watched you from the sidelines and at first you didn't think anything of it until you saw her whispering in Jill's ear.

When the coach calls you over in the middle of scrimmage, it gains the attention of the entire team. Players only ever got called out of a game when they were in trouble but Jill eyes wasn't filled with anger, they were filled with pity and your suspicions were confirmed when you saw Dawn mouth 'i'm sorry'.

"Do I need to be worried?" Jill asked.

Here's the thing with Jill. You know she knows and she knows you know she knows but the two of you have never spoken about it. She keeps an eye on you during training and Dawn let's her know if there is a reason for concern.

"No. I forgot to take my medication this morning so it's taking a little bit longer for it to work"

Another lie.

"You were struggling out there and don't say it's because of the heat. I have seen you when we play in Australia and you aren't phased at all"

"I'm already feeling better. Watch and you will see that I am fine" you shut down the conversation before it can go any further.

When you're back on the pitch you score within seconds and dedicate your goal to your coach with an arrogant salute. Instead of it making her believe you're healthy, your celebration makes Jill think the opposite. You are trying too hard to show her you are ok.

The next couple of days are more difficult than you would like to admit. You were tempted to ask for a personal day and fly back to Portland but it would lead to more questions and you were trying to keep your amount of lies to a minimum.

With game day getting closer and closer, you begin easing off the physical side of preparation. You took a back seat in training and when asked about it you stated that as your role as captain you want to use this time to pass on your knowledge to the younger players.

When it comes to the afternoon lift session, Dawn pulls you aside and tells you that you will be working alone. She puts you on the treadmill whilst the rest of the team focus on the weights. Her attempt at testing your fitness isn't as subtle as she hopes.

"Wait, why is Y/N the only one doing a fitness test?" Tobin asks. Christen wants to know the same thing. She had seen the change in your behaviour over the past couple of days. It happened in the blink of an eye, one minute your the confident player the world loved the next you are on the sidelines trying to catch your breath like a rookie.

"Because I am the fastest on the team and Dawn wants to see if I can improve my stats from last camp"

Your girlfriend buys it, Tobin on the other hand isn't so easy to persuade. In the end she walks away but not before talking to Sonnet who looks at you and shakes her head.

Great! You aren't well and now you have pissed off the two people that could out you to the entire team.

"I've seen you watching me and I'm fine but if I am sick then I will get worse by doing this" you whisper in Dawn's ear before setting the treadmill to 15 where you begin sprinting as if you have a perfectly good heart.

By the end of the treadmill test you can barely breathe. Dawn helps you to chair before getting you a bottle of water. You hear her shout of Christen and within seconds your girlfriend is by your side.

"Y/N breathe for me" Christen begs. She had never seen you this out of breath.

"It hurts" you clasp both of your hands over your chest. This couldn't be happening, not here, not now.

"What's going on with her?" Christen asks dawn.

"She is--" Dawn tries to answer but Tobin and Sonnet come running over.

"She took an elbow to the chest in our last game and it's causing her some problems" Tobin tells her.

"She'll be fine. Here, use this" Sonnet gives you an ice pack knowing that it helps with your chest pains.

Your hands shake whilst you hold the cold block to your chest, so much so that Christen ends up taking it from you.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Christen asks.

When you look to Christen you see the hurt you are causing her and this is because she didn't know about a tackle that didn't happen. In a matter of seconds you go from feeling pain to feeling guilty.

“I—" part of you tries to tell her the truth, even it it's only a half truth.

"It's best if she doesn't talk" Tobin cuts in.

Dawn tells you that you're done for the day and that Christen should take you back to your room. Your girlfriend talks to the performance coach in hopes that she can tell her what to do to make you feel better.

"I don't know what's going on with you but you cannot tell her when you're like this. She will think you’re ill" Tobin whispers in your ear.

"That's because I am ill and I always will be. She deserves to be with someone who isn't a burden" your breathing begins to even out.

"Y/N don't do anything stupid. You trust us with your secret, you can trust her too"

"No, my mom trusted you. I didn't want people to know because they look at me like—“

"Like what"

"Like that" you point at both of the friends "Like I'm broken"

Walking away you feel their eyes burning into the back of your head but you don't look back. Christen stands near the door with her hand extended waiting for you to take it.

Once back in your room Christen goes straight into the bathroom and begins running the bath. It is something that calmed the two of you but funnily enough you haven't done it whilst being at camp. Your girlfriend comes back out to find you laid back on the bed, your eyes closed with one hand on your chest. She can just about hear you counting your breaths.

"Join me" Christen says from the door way but she doesn't get an answer, you don't even move.

"Baby, come join me" the softness in her tone when she calls you the name that made you feel like you're the only girl in the world gets your attention.

"I think i'm just going to lay here for a while"

"Look at me" your girlfriend demands and upon doing so see her standing there in nothing but her underwear "I wasn't asking"

The smirk that pulls at your lips in uncontrollable. The sight you saw had the power to bring to your knees and the past had proven that.

"Then I won't say no" you stand and remove your shorts and as you walk towards her you remove your top.

Christen is the first to get into the bath and she slides forward so that you can slip in behind her. She grabs your arms, wraps them around her and then covers your arms with her own.

"I love you Christen Press" you place a kiss to her jawline "but if something were to happen to me then I want you to move on" you feel a tear roll down your cheek but you cannot wipe it away "Please don't waste your years mourning me and don't be afraid to open your heart to another. You wouldn't be betraying me and although i'll be gone, i'll always be with you, in here" you place your hand over her heart.

"Y/N--" Christens shifts her weight.

"Don't look at me"

This was strange. You and Christen are very open about your feelings and aren't scared to be vulnerable around each other but whenever you shared these moments you wanted to feel as close to her as possible which lead to the two of you having eye contact.

"You are my one true love Y/N Y/L/N and should the worse happen, that will never change. I cannot make a promise to move on because I am not in control of my heart but I will promise to let love in should it come to me"

"I will love you Christen until my last day on earth and then long into the afterlife"

This time you don't stop her as she turns in the water so her legs are either side of you. You craved her touch and reassurance that everything would be ok only she couldn't tell you that. That night Christen makes you forget about how this pain in your chest has ended in the past and you don't think twice about whether you future is going to last a year or ten years.

Game day came on day 5 without your medication and you were starting to regret not going home to get them. Sleep had become nothing more than a long nap and every time you ran it felt like a marathon. Still you had been able to downplay your struggles and Jill put you in the starting 11 despite being concerned about you.

You knew there was one person you couldn't fool and you did your best to avoid her until the whistle. At the pitch inspection you stayed away from the Canadians but you saw Christine staring at you from a distance, by the look on her face you knew she knew. When she tipped her head towards the tunnel so she could speak with you, you shook your head.

"You should go see her" Christen nudges towards where your club captain is standing.

"And fraternise with the enemy. I would much rather fraternise with you" you whisper in her ear.

It seems that Christen buys your distraction as she doesn't bring it up again even when Christine waits by the locker room after the warm ups.

You think you have managed to evade your friend's questioning but when you stand in the line waiting to go out you have a bad feeling in your gut so when Christine walks by you grab her arm and pull her back towards you.

"I didn't bring enough medication with me" you confess.

Up until now you haven't been scared but the look Christine gives makes you feel just that.

"How long?" she keeps her reply short given the crowd of players that surround you.

"5 days" You see Christine eye up Jill as she walks past "No, don't. I can handle this game but you need to know if case something happens"

"What makes you think that?"

You bring you hand to your chest "gut feeling" you reply.

Once gain Christine's expression changes and the worry is not something she can hide. She pulls you into her arms and whispers in you ear.

"I know you can handle it especially when playing so be smart out there kid"

And that is exactly what you do or at least for the first 50 minutes it is. All of sudden you feel your chest tighten and you feet give way underneath you as your body goes into fight or flight response. You do everything in your power to fight but it is too hard. Within seconds you are laid out of the floor, instead of your heart beating rapidly it is slow, too slow.

"Y/N, what's wrong?" Christen kneels beside you.

Your eyes lock onto her, she is the reason why you want to fight but your lack of response does more harm than good. The team don't know what is happening so they don't call the medics over.

"Is it your heart?" Tobin asks having no care in the world about who hears her.

"What's wrong with her heart? Is this about the knock you took?"

You had been dreading this moment but somehow it has turned out worse than you imagined.

"I'm" you take a deep breathe "sorry"

"Why are you sorry? Tobin what is she sorry for? What is going on?"

Tobin looks at you and you use whatever energy you have left to shake your head.

"Sincy" you look at Tobin and she understands what you want but she doesn't want to leave your side.

Emily picks up on this "It's ok, i'll get her"

The defender turns to get your team mate only to see the opposing captain already running over.

"Move out of my way" Christine pushes her way through the white shirts.

"Sincy, it hurts" tears start to fall as fear begins to set in.

"Tobin get your medics now"

Christine looks at your team mates but her gaze ultimately falls on your girlfriend who looks petrified. Christen has one of your hands in hers, squeezing it so tightly that part of your fingers have turned white.

"I don't want to die" your words earn gasps from your team mates. Some of the Portland players are trying to hold back from crying as they know what this could mean.

"You're not going to die" Christen places a kiss to the back of your hand "Why would you die? You can't die. Christine" Christen looks up to the older player only to see her holding Tobin in her arms as she tries to console her "Tobin" at the sight on her best friend in tears she knows that something much bigger is going on.

The medics come running onto the pitch and in that very moment you realise that the secret you have kept for the last 27 years is about to come to light. When one of them starts asking question you know that you don't have it in you to answer them,  a mixture of not wanting to and not having the ability to.

"She has a heart defect and hasn't been taking her medication" Christine says when she realises you wouldn't say it. Your club captain proceeds to explain your condition in detail as well as your medical history.

"No" Christen shouts "She is fine, tell them you're fine Y/N. You're not sick, you just took a knock in your last game. I know you're not sick because you would have told me, we don't have secrets" tears are flowing freely down your girlfriends face.

"Y/N" Christen whispers when she feels your hand slowly loosen it's grip from her own.

"I don't want to die. I wan’t—" your breathing hitches once again as your bodies tries to inhale a much oxygen as possible.

"Baby, no" Christen leans forward and rests her forehead against yours.

"I'm sorry. I love you" those are are the last words you say and Christen is the last thing you see before it goes black.

"She's going into cardiac arrest. I need everyone to back up so we can try and save her life" One of the doctors say as the other one sprints away in search of the defibrillator.

"No, i'm not leaving her" Christen holds onto your unconscious form. It is only when Ashlyn pulls her away does she let go and begins sobbing into her friends arms.

The team stand there, helpless, as they watch the medics try to resuscitate you. All of them feeling a mixture of emotions. Some are angry at you, why didn't you tell them things had got this bad. Others feel guilty having known nothing about your condition, they begin wondering if the signs where there and they had just been too ignorant to see them.

Christen feels every emotion under the sun but the strongest one of them all is rage. You were her girlfriend and not only did you keep this from her, her best friend did too. You were the two people she trusted the most in the world yet today made it clear that trust wasn't reciprocated.

You are loaded into an Ambulance and taken the the nearest hospital. Christen is asked if she wants to go with you but she says no. The game gets suspended and the teams head back into their locker rooms. The US players planned on getting changed and heading straight to you.

The atmosphere in the locker room is something that neither of them have experienced before.

"You knew!" Christen shouts at Tobin.

"Chris" Pinoe tries to pull your girlfriend towards her locker but fails.

"No, I deserve an answer. My girlfriend was sick and you didn't tell me"

"It wasn't my secret to tell Christen. She made us promise not to tell you"

Tobin's words didn't exactly instil faith and calmness in her friend.

"Us?" Christen takes a step back and she scans the locker room. Now that's she is looking, it is very obvious who knew and who didn't "Emily, Lindsey. You knew too" Christen couldn't believe it.

"I didn't know things has gotten this bad. Y/N has episodes but she handles them on her own" Emily tells her.

"She doesn't like to talk about it" Lindsey adds.

"And Christine Sinclair knew" It isn't a question. The woman's action on the pitch made it obvious that she is very aware of your condition.

"I did"

Turning around Christen comes face to face with the women she was talking about.

"I have known since the beginning" the invisible spotlight that was placed on Christine made her nervous "I'm going to the hospital. Come with me and I will tell you everything"

Christen quickly replaces her boots with a pair of trainers, grabs a jacket and follows your captain.

Christen sat in the hospital waiting room alone. The seats either side of her remained empty because although her teammates wanted to support their friend, they knew it was just as important to give her space. It didn't make sense at first, you being ill, but then she begins replaying some of your recent conversations. Obviously the one you shared in the bath a few nights prior wasn't as hypothetical as Christen thought. Did you really think that Christen could move on from you?

"Family of Y/N Y/L/N"

Upon hearing your name the entire USWNT flock towards to the man clad in scrubs.

"I'm her girlfriend" Christen says as she stands directly in front of him.

"I'm sorry her file says to only discuss medical matters with direct family or Christine Sinclair, is that you?"

Christen couldn't believe what she is hearing. Even when you are in god knows what condition you are still determined to keep this from her.

"That's me. This is Christen Press and you can discuss Y/N's condition with her" Your friend has had enough of your secrets, Christen deserves the know the truth and at this point she knew that you could no longer hide it but that you would still try.

"Unfortunately Y/N coded again on the way here. Her heart had to work overdrive just to beat regularly and in the end it couldn't take it"

"No, She" your girlfriend couldn't believe what she was hearing "She can't die"

"She's alive Miss Press" The doctor confirmed "What I meant is that her heart couldn't take it which lead to the incident during your game. I spoke with her doctor in Portland and we agreed that minor surgery was needed until she can have a full exam when she returns home. Y/N is in recovery right now for observation then we will move her to a private room. I will have someone come get you when she is allowed visitors"

Christen stands frozen in her spot. Her mind, body and soul had grieved your death twice now even if it wasn't permanent.

"This is a good thing Chris" Tobin ignores the looks she gets as she talks to her best friend.

"How is this good Tobin? She almost died, no she did die. I lost her"

Tobin tries to pull Christen into a hug but she fights it. She takes her anger, which is rightly or wrongly is aimed at you, out on Tobin before surrendering.

"How could she not tell me Tobin? I'm suppose to be her person, she tells me she loves me yet—“

Christen is cut off before she can finish her sentence.

"You really don't get it do you" Christine says. After speaking to the doctor she found a seat near your Portland team mates "Y/N does love you more than you realise. It is the reason why she hasn't told you. I know that doesn't make sense but it does in her mind. Y/N has never told anyone about her heart condition"

"That's not true. You know, Tobin, Lynsey, Emily and I guess Becky knows, oh and dawn too, maybe even jill"

"You're right but that's not because Y/N told us. Her mom is reason why we know. She told us for this exact reason, in case something happens to her daughter and she isn't there to help her. In Y/N’s eyes she was protecting you by not telling you"

"That does sound like Y/N" Ashlyn sees sense in what the Canadian is saying.

"It doesn't make it ok"

"No it doesn't and for what it's worth Tobin has been begging Y/N to tell you since you started dating" Christine comes to her team mates defence.

Christen knows deep down that none of this was Tobin's fault and that her reaction was uncalled for. The way Tobin looks at her is something she has never seen before but then it hits her. You might have been her girlfriend but you are Tobin's best friend.

"I'm sorry Tobin. It just the thought of losing her is—“

"I know. It's scares me too"

When the pair hug, the team awe in response. For a brief moment the energy changes but it doesn't last long.

"Y/N is awake"

Having not needed to be told twice, Christen heads straight towards the nurse.

"You're going to have to wait sweetie. Y/N only wants to see Miss Sinclair"

It hurt. Once again you were choosing Christine over her and quite frankly Christen has had enough. A huge part of her wanted to say 'screw you' and leave. If you didn't want to see her then she wasn't going to stick around.

"Let's go get a coffee" Pinoe suggests which Christen agrees, Tobin follows in suit.

The three of them return just as Christine is storming through the hallway. Clearly nothing good happened in your room but it wasn't clear if the bad thing was related to the incident or something else.

"Christine, wait" Christen grabs her hand as she strides past them "What's wrong"

"She's unbelievable and all yours. I'm done"

Christen heads straight for you room, alone. The rest of the team know that there is conversation that needs to be had between the two of you and they had no right to be a part of it.

The sight itself is worrying. You are laid in the hospital bed, hooked up to several hospital wires and have a nasal cannula which is helping you breathe. All in all you didn't look well and it made the next words that came out of your mouth that much more frustrating.

"Don't look at me like that, i'm fine" your attempt at reassuring your girlfriend seems to have the opposite affect.

"No more lies Y/N. You're not fine. I watched you die, do you know what that was like?" Christen starts the speech that she had been planning in her head for the last couple of hours.

When you see her eyes begin to well up you want nothing more than to get out of the bed and comfort your girlfriend but you simply didn't have the strength. Instead you used what strength you did have to move over slightly so there was room for her near you.

"Come here"

Christen does so happily. Even though she is mad she has been craving the feeling of being in your arms and the solace it brings her.

"You knew this would happen. It's why you talked about you dying when we laid in the bath. You held me in your arms and we had a conversation which you knew could happen whilst I thought you were being hypothetical"

"I meant what I said. When I die I want you to move on with your life, not live in the past, in our past" once again you cannot bring yourself to make eye contact with your girlfriend.

Christen hovers her hand over your chest before placing it on your heart. The room goes quiet, enough so that you can hear her counting the beats under her breath. She is worried about you and you knew what the next couple of months would look like. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. You never wanted things to come to this and you certainly didn’t want to be the reason for Christen’s pain. It’s why you know the thing you are going to next is the right thing to do.

“Why did Christine leave?”

Well it looks like Christen is going to be the one to initiate the conversation only she has no idea what is about to come.

“I told her i’m not going to have the surgery when I get home. If I do then I'll miss the olympics and that isn’t something I am willing to do. I am going to have another minor surgery and work with the doctors so that I make it until the summer”

Christen lifts her head so she can see your face and what she is met with worries her. You are blank, almost emotionless but it was the facade you chose to put up in order get through this talk.

“No! You—“

“Christen the last few years we have shared have been incredible and I wouldn’t change a thing. I know you are mad at me for keeping this from you but I don’t regret it. If I had it my way you would have never found out. I wanted to protect you from the pain that comes with my condition because I saw what it did to my mom and I won’t have you going through the same worry”

“Y/N” Christen doesn’t like what she is hearing.

“I love you Christen Annemarie Press more than anything in this world and it’s why I can’t be with you”

Her eyes well up within seconds. Her breathing becomes erratic and it matches the increasing beeps on your monitor. You may be calm on the outside but the wires hooked up to your chest tell a different story.

“No. You don’t get to tell me your dying then break up with me, that’s not how this ends, I won’t let it” Christen refuses to acknowledge that you have decided to end your relationship.

“Chris” You reach out for her hand but she pulls away just as your fingertips touch.

“Why are you doing this? We’ve talked about our future, marriage and kids. I may not have known you were sick but you did and you still had those conversations. Were they lies too?”

You get up out of bed against your better judgement. You ignore the pain in your chest and the rapid beeping coming from behind you.

“I never lied to you, I withheld the truth, there is a difference. Those conversations we had were a fantasy, one that made me look forward to a future I knew I might not have. I am doing this because I love you way to much to break your heart just because mine is already broken”

Your emotions are starting to get the better of you whilst Christen has tears rolling down her cheeks. It was naive to believe you could break up with the love or your life and not have her fight for you.

“You are so selfish Y/N” Christen’s sadness has turned into rage “I am willing to stand by your side though all of this and you are pushing me away. You are making a decision for our future without letting me have a say”

“I might not have a future Christen!”

The volume of your tone is the last straw. Doctors who had been monitoring your vitals come rushing into the room to make sure that you are ok, your team mates follow in suit.

“Miss Y/L/N I need you to get back into bed before you rip open your stitches” One of the nurses try to usher you back toward the bed but you don’t move.

“Christen, Listen to me. I am doing this because I love you, one day you will see that. I have to let you go”

Christen waits in your room to hear you out but she doesn’t respond before leaving.

When you are back in bed you cannot bring yourself to look at any of your team mates. There are those that knew and some that didn’t. You chose to stare out the window and your friends leave one by one, soon enough it is just Tobin and Emily in the room.

“You’re not getting the surgery?” Emily asks you. She had been the one to follow Christine to find out what happened.

“I can’t. I want to go to Tokyo and I can’t if I get it. My doctor said the risks are very high given the stress that my heart is currently under and he’s not sure if it can take it. I meant what I said on the pitch, I don’t want to die” The blonde understood your reasoning and didn’t question it any further.

Tobin on the other hand. She has had enough with your stubbornness and you knew that a lecture was coming.

“Please don’t” you beg her

“You two were made for each other and you just threw that away, why?” Tobin asks you.

“Because it easier to mourn someone you hate than someone you love”

The next month was tough. You were back in Portland, a place you called home, but you had never felt more alone. Your friends were mad at you for not getting surgery, even Christine only spoke to you when her captain duties called for it. Christen spent the first week after the incident texting and messaging you. She was fighting for your relationship but you couldn't step into the ring for her.

You had to take a temporary step back from the team to recover and get back to a place where you can play high level soccer. You released a statement saying that you were stepping away in order to focus on your health. You didn't give the fans anymore details and they respected your wishes, the press on the other hand, well they wanted to know what the damage was.

Truth is you missed your friends and the loneliness that your stubbornness caused became overwhelming which only made things worse. Your doctor was pleased with the improvements you were making but after the first few weeks things took a turn for the worse. The temporary surgery you had in Arizona had reached its limits a lot sooner than your doctor had hoped.

It was three months later when it came to a head.

"When do I have to make the decision?" you ask.

You had just completed another round of tests and as you sit in your doctor's office you can tell by the energy in the room and the lack of eye contact of his behalf that things weren't good.

"I would like to do this as soon as possible and before you ask, it is my recommendation that we do the full repair"

"But what about the risks? I want to go to Tokyo and you said the best way for me to do that is to have the smaller surgery and reevaluate when I get back"

"Y/N if we don't do this surgery I cannot guarantee that you make it to the summer"

"So what you're saying is I have the surgery or become part of the 27 club?" You let out a small chuckle but nothing about this was funny.

"I'm sorry things have come to this and I know it isn't what you wanted"

"It's ok, these things happen" It was as if you had already admitted defeat.

When you get up from your chair it's as if time had slowed down. You walked over the window which ironically looks over Providence park. You had made so many memories there and you truly thought you would have years to make more, now though you're not too sure.

"Can I give you a piece of advice?" your doctor stands beside you "Talk to someone. It doesn't have to be about this but you can't close yourself off from everybody. You shouldn't keep your friends at arms length Y/N, they are there because they want to support you"

"I don't want to become their problem"  you confess.

"I made a promise to someone but they're not my patient you are" He goes back to his desk "Christen Press calls my office once a week to get updates on you"

You were both happy and angry after hearing this. On one hand it was nice to know she still cared but you had been killing yourself, literally, so that you could keep her away from this and your doctor has been telling her anyways.

"You had no right"

"No I didn't but it was the right thing to do. That women loves you Y/N. When faced with death most of my patients live life there's no tomorrow. They do all the things that are on their bucket list, they make memories with their friends and confess their feelings but you, you have done the opposite. You refuse to see or speak to anyone unless it is unavoidable and you push away the woman you love most in this world. I made a decision, one that I won't apologise for"

At this point your doctor was like family so he didn't mind calling you out when your were being stubborn or stupid.

"What if I hurt her?"

Dying doesn't scare you because you had been preparing for it your entire life. Being the reason that Christen cries herself to sleep at night, that is one of your greatest fears.

"You already are by pushing her away"

You knew he was right. It became obvious the moment you broke up with her but in your eyes you were hurting her a little bit now in order to keep from hurting a lot more later on.

"Can I call you tomorrow with an answer?"

"Of course"

When you leave his office your phone feels like it's burning a hole in your pocket. Every part of you wanted to hear Christen's voice but something was stopping you.

Ignorance had been your greatest ally as of late. If you weren't at the hospital or at rehab then you would tell yourself that you are healthy but you were no longer able to ignore the uncertainty of your future. Portland has been home since you went No1 in the draft so subconsciously you take yourself to Providence park which isn’t all that strange considering it’s about this time of day when training ends. You stop at a poster of you and Tobin after you won the championship last season, the two of you looked so happy and carefree.

"It's a good photo" you don't need to turn around in order to know who is there.

"Y/N and Heath, Portland's unstoppable force" It was a nickname that the fans gave the both of you years ago and it has stuck ever since.

"Well one of us is" Tobin jokes.

"I guess I deserve that. I've missed you Tobs" you hug her tightly with a force that she returns.

"You're scaring us Y/N. Everyone is worried about you. Christen isn't herself, she is barely sleeping, every time she closes her eyes she sees you on that pitch or worse. She told me the other night that she finds herself walking through cemetery and it is your headstone that she goes to"

"I never wanted any of this to happen. I just wanted to protect her, you do know that don't you?"

"Of course I do and she does too. I know you don't want to talk about it but please tell me you're getting better" Tobin pleads.

"I wish I could. I'm not going to go into detail because I don't want to put you in a position where you have to lie but I need to have the big surgery, the one I have been putting off, and i'm not sure if i'm ready to have it yet"

"You're scared?" Tobin asks and you nod "You will make the right decision Y/N and I know you want to do this alone but if you want me to then i'll be by your side through it all"

The offer meant more than Tobin knew. You truly thought that your behaviour over the past couple of months had burnt the bridges that you call your friendships.

"Thank you Tobin"

She joins you as you wander the city but after an hour she picks up on the fact that you wanted to be alone and before leaving she reminds you once again that she is only a call away should you need her.

You find a bench that over looks the water. You put your earphones in and dial Christen's number, praying to the higher powers that she answers, she doesn't. It didn't come as a surprise, you didn't deserve her time. You try again only this time you decide to leave a voicemail.

"Hi bab—, sorry I mean Christen, it's Y/N. I have been told that I should talk to someone and you are the first person that came to my mind. I—“

"Y/N? Are you ok? Is something wrong"

"Christen?" you pull your phone out of your pocket to see if the call has connected "you didn't pick up, I thought I was leaving a voicemail"

"Sorry I was in the shower. Is everything ok?"

"I want to talk to you but I need you to treat me like the old Y/N, not the weak and broken Y/N"

"You're not broken Y/N. You are human and sometimes humans get sick"

"Chris, please"

"Girlfriend Y/N or cocky and confident Y/N? Just so I know which Y/N I am speaking to?" she chuckles slightly as she allows herself to get lost in the game are playing.

"The one that loves you unconditionally"

"My favourite Y/N"

You ignore the butterflies that you feel when you hear Christen's voice. Despite everything that is going on with you and her, she still manages to calm you down without even trying.

"I remember the first time you took me home to meet your family, I was so nervous. I know how much they mean to you and although you are this independent woman who doesn't need anyones approval, you still wanted theirs and I thought for certain I wouldn't get it"

This was news to Christen. She couldn't have imagined this is how you felt given the way you strode into the Press family full of confidence and not willing to let anyone get in the way of your relationship.

"I didn't know that"

"Can you remember the end of the night when you Dad asked to speak to me outside?" you hear Christen hum on the other end "That was the calmest I had been the entire night"

"Y/N, that doesn't make sense"

"It does because I knew the 'nobody will be good enough for my daughter' speech was coming. He asked me if I deserved to be in his daughters life and I said no. It was an easy answer because although I had known you for a few years, we had only being dating for a few months and in that time you showed me just how amazing you are and part of me knew from the moment I met you that you were too good for me Christen. The next morning Channing and Tyler cornered me in the kitchen and asked me the same type of question. The only person who didn't was your mom"

"She told me to tell that she's really mad at you"

"She'll have to get in line. Can I continue?"

You take her silence as a yes.

"Your mom asked me why I don't trust that her daughter is making the right decision. I said because i'm not capable of loving you like you deserve and whether it be in one year or ten years, I will break your heart"

"Y/N"

"She told me breaking someone's heart isn't always a bad thing because if you have the power to do that then they must love you with every fibre of their being and that isn't something to be sad about. She said when the day comes, I won't do it on purpose because if I do then I would be hurting myself in the process"

"When the day comes? She knew?"

"I asked myself the same question. Her words were filled with so much comfort that I was sure she did but it wasn't possible"

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I knew from day one that this wasn't going to end well and I pursued it anyways. I was selfish and I have hurt you when I spent years making sure that didn't happen"

When the line goes quiet you are sure that Christen has hung up. You wouldn't be angry if she did, it was nice of her to give you the time that she had.

"Can you remember the night before the world cup final when we walked the streets of Paris?"

This is how the rest of the night went. You and Christen went back and forth sharing your favourite memories from your time together. Every so often she would change the subject to your health but it was only for a second then she would go back to her story.

The night draws in and the temperature drops but you are too content sitting by the water, admiring the view and talking to Christen. A dog comes running up to you, the bark makes Christen question where you are.

"Y/N where are you?"

"On a bench"

"You should go home"

"But I don't want to say goodbye"

Both of you go silent. The heaviness of the words you just said bring back the reality of what has been going in.

"There's no reason for you to say goodbye" Christen says and it's obvious even she didn't believe the words that are coming out of her mouth.

"Chris"

"No, I won't have this conversation with you over the phone. If you want to say your goodbyes then you do it in person"

"I love you and my heart, as broken as it may be, belongs to you and it will do until my last day on earth and then long into the afterlife"

A strong sense of Deja Vu hits you and Christen. You had said this before but the meaning is different now.

"Stop"

"I need surgery Christen and the risks are high but if I don't have it then I don't know how long—“

"Y/n, please" Christen begs you from her end of the phone "I know you broke up with me and I know why but I love you"

"Christen, stop. I can tell what you're thinking. Please don't come to Portland"

"But I want to be with you"

"I am only a phone call away but I need space to do this ok?"

"I want to make a deal. No more radio silence. You call me every day, whether it is a good day or a bad one. I'll give you your space but I need you in my life"

Christen's determination was admirable and you wouldn't expect anything less.

"We have a deal"

"Pinky promise?"

"Ok"

"I need to hear you say it"

"Christen I pinky promise to call you everyday"

You decided not to get the major surgery. Life is short, you know this more than most, so you took your chances and worked with the physios to get you fit and healthy in time for the summer. It was difficult and there were days that you felt like giving up but you persisted, maybe a little too hard.

The bad days came along more than the good days but you kept your promise to christen. You called her everyday, sometimes twice.

You were promised a spot on the olympic roster if the doctors cleared you. It didn't matter if you didn't take part in the camps. The staff and players knew you belonged on the team, you could take a year off and still step on the pitch like no time had passed.

Just before the send off series, a rematch against Canada was organised. Due to the history of the fixture both teams felt they owed the fans a full 90 minute match. They agreed to have the game in Portland seen as though the city means so much to you.

Christen wanted to go to your apartment as soon as she landed but in the end she chooses to respect your wishes.

Your absence in the locker room was obvious. It was the first time that the national team had played without you in years and each player struggled with the thought of not having you on the pitch with them. Christen kept checking her phone every few minutes, you hadn’t had your morning call and something didn’t feel right. What she saw next seemed to add fuel to the fire.

“You can’t wear that?” Christen says when she watches Mallory change into her shorts. There on the left side was the number 7.

“Y/N told me to wear it” Mal’s defence was honest. She remembers getting the call from you, at first it was strange but then you explained the reason why and the young forward saw it as an honour.

“She would never do that” it is Tobin who speaks up “It’s her number and she wouldn’t give it up, not when she knows she’s—“ your best friends stops herself when she realises what you have done.

“When she’s what?” Mal asks.

“Never mind” Tobin retreats to her locker where she tries to call you only to get your voicemail.

The game ends in a 1-1 draw. Both halves were uneventful but the post match press conference made up for that. Canada goes first and as Christine Sinclair sits down she has no idea what she is in for.

The US team watch from the changing room given that their captain is next and they want to see what she gets asks.

“Christine do you have a comment on the latest news regarding your Portland Thorns team mate Y/N Y/L/N?”

It was a question that threw not only her off but the entire USWNT locker room. As far as they were aware you were recovering well and on track to return to the team.

“What news is that?” Christine says as she ignores the pit that is forming in her stomach.

“What are they talking about?” Christen asks Tobin. The insecurities of been left in the dark regarding your condition come straight to the surface.

“I don’t know” Tobin tries to hide her worry.

The journalist who asked the question remains quiet. It was clear that Christine didn’t know what he was talking about and he knew that a press conference wasn’t the right place to tell her and he shouldn't be the one to do so.

“Tell me, please” Christine encourages the journalist.

“I have a source that tells me Y/N was brought into OHSU this morning by ambulance and that she was rushed into emergency heart surgery” she can tell by the tone of his voice that he didn’t want to say it.

“This press conference is over” Christine leaves and heads straight for the opposing teams locker room.

The room that holds your team is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. They were all in a state of shock that left them frozen in their spot. The first to move is Emily who calls your number time and time again hoping that if she does it enough then you will pick up. Tobin is next, she calls you mom who doesn’t answer either.

“Hello”

Christen’s voice fills the locker room.

“Ok, I understand”

Her team mates watch and wait for her to tell them something, anything. Christen takes a deep breathe before turning her attention to the team.

“That was her doctor’s office. All they can tell me is that she is in surgery”

Christen takes a deep breath. A few days ago she begged you for honesty and against your better judgement you gave it to her. You told her everything and what followed was never part of your plan. After cooking a meal together over face time Christen asked you to say goodbye and you knew you owed her that. It wasn't a sad goodbye and you didn't talk about your past. You talked about a life where you are healthy, get married, have children and live long enough to grow old together then at the end you said your goodbyes.

It is the reason why Christen remains in her locker when the rest of the team get ready to go the hospital. Even as Christine comes to tell them the news that they already know, she remains still and calm.

"Christen, get your stuff together, we need to go" Tobin tells her.

Yet she doesn't move.

"I'm not going"

"I understand that things aren't great between the two of you but this is bad and she needs you"

That's the thing, even though you wasn't dating, you and Christen were in a good place. There were no more lies between you and it made your friendship stronger than it ever was.

"I've already said my goodbye and I don't want my last memory to be of her in a hospital bed"

The team couldn't believe what they were hearing. They had no idea you were at a point when goodbyes were necessary.

Given the seriousness of the surgery you were having, most of the team decide to go back to the hotel while a handful of them went to to the hospital.

Christen however asks for space and the team give it to her. She doesn't go back to the hotel, instead she goes to your apartment and uses the key you gave her to let herself in. She goes straight to your room and gets changed into a pair of your joggers and grabs a hoodie as she brings it up to her nose she takes a deep breathe in, it smelled just like you.

She gets into your bed, the one that you shared many times before. Then she gets her phone, opens up your thread of messages and scrolls until she find the one she is looking for. It was a voice note followed by the text 'don't listen now. Wait until it's time'. At first she thought it was vague but right now she knew now is the time you were referring to.

Hearing your voice knowing that there's a chance she won't hear it in person again brings Christen to tears and all you're doing is mumbling words of frustration as you have knocked a drink over whilst recording.

"Sorry about that. Now, what was I going to say? Oh yeah, I love you. It's been a while since I have told you that but if you're listening to this then i'm guessing you need to hear it. I know you are scared right now but I want you to know everything is going to be ok, I promise"

"How can you promise that?" Christen says to the phone.

"And I can promise that because you are one of the strongest people I have ever met"

She laughs at little at how much you know her.

"I know we said our goodbyes but now I want to say thank you. Living the life I have means that I have cherished everyday I've spent on this earth and those days have been better than I could have ever imagined because I got to share them with you. You see I was determined not to fall in love but then you came along and I found out how naive I was to think I had a choice in the matter"

"I didn't have a choice either Y/N" she replies as if you are there in the room with her.

"I never feared death growing up but now the thought petrifies me and it's because I have something to lose and somebody to live for. I want a future with you, I want to marry you, will you marry me? No Y/N what are you doing you can't ask the women to marry you over voice note pull yourself to together"

A small chuckle escapes christen's lips are she listens to you tell your self off.

"Would you marry me?"

She had never heard you sound this unsure before.

"I would" she answers your questions.

"I hope you said yes otherwise this next part is going to be very awkward. I take it your in my apartment right now and in my bed, if I am correct then you can open the draw to the left of you where you will find a small box"

Christen's interest had spiked. How did you manage to plan all of this over a voice note. Just as you said she finds a red box and awaits further instructions.

"Open it"

She does so and finds a diamond ring.

"This ring is open for interpretation but for me it's a reminder. Should I die I want you to remember the love that I have for you. I bought it during the world cup but I told myself that I would only give you it after I had told you about my condition. Can I class this as me giving it to you?"

You are about to answer your own question once again but out of nowhere you begin coughing and Christen winces at the sound. She doesn't know when you recorded the message but given that you are in surgery she can guess it was recorded in the last couple of days.

"Sorry, give me a minute"

Christen listens as you try to get your breath back.

"I really hope this is not the last time you hear my voice" she can tell you are scared.

"My dying wish is that you find peace"

"Don't say that" Christen begs.

"I truly am sorry for the pain that I have caused you. I never wanted it to happen. Goodbye my love"

Christen waits for you to say to more but you don't. That is the last part of the voice note. She lays in your bed long enough to watch the sunset through your window. In the same draw that held the ring is a photo album, one that you had made. There were photos taken over your career, of you and your friends and quite a few of you and her.

Later that night Christen receives a text from Tobin saying that you are out of surgery and that you should wake up in a few hours once the anaesthesia has worn off. Then she received a second message saying that you had woken up but Christen stayed in your apartment. When her phone goes off again she assumes it will be Tobin asking why she hasn't come to visit but that isn't the case.

Have you been watering my cactus?

Christen cannot believe it. You have just had major heart surgery and this is the thing you say.

You don't need to water a cactus. They live in the desert.

I knew that. I was just testing you.

She doesn't get the chance to respond before you send another message.

I know I scared you. Will you come and see me? It doesn't have to be today, it can be in a couple of days or whenever you are ready. It's not like I can go anywhere.

I'll come by the day after tomorrow. You need your rest.

You were disappointed to receive Christen's reply. You may have been surrounded by your mom and close friends but the only person want to see wasn't there.

Just as she said, Christen walks the halls of the hospital two days later. She finds your room but cannot muster up enough courage to go inside.

"She's ok" your mom's voice causes her to turn on her heels "The wires make it look worse than it actually is"

"I don't know if i'm ready to see her like that yet" Christen admits. It was the reason why she had waited this long to come.

"I understand but she has been waiting for you. You were the first person she asked for when she woke up"

"Is she alone?"

"No Tobin is in there with her now. She hasn't left the hospital since she got here after the game but she was asleep when I left. I'll give you some time with her" and with that your mom walks away.

The door to your hospital room opens and you are expecting your mom or more doctors but instead it is the person you love most in the world.

"Hi"

When you see Christen you notice the dark circles in her eyes and the way her smile is forced. You look her up and down as if doing your own inspection and that is when you see it.

Christen is overcome with emotion as she saunters over towards you and before you can say anything her lips are on yours. Nothing in this world compared to moments like this, when your connection with Christen is proven through a small act of intimacy.

When you pull apart Christen sits on the side of your bed.

"Nice ring" you hold her hand up just enough to see the diamond glisten in the lights.

"Crappy proposal"

At least now you know Christen listened to the voice note and wasn't just snooping around.

"It's wasn't a proposal remember? And I don't recall telling you which finger it was for" There is a hint of playfulness in your voice but the truth of the matter is you were happy to see Christen wearing the ring but then she takes it off and gives it to you.

"Y/N you gave me this ring because you thought our story was over but it isn't. Regardless of how long it is, we have a future together and I want to spend it with you so no more running, no more secrets or lies and no more protecting me from this" Christen gentles rests her index finger on your heart "You may not have proposed but right here I take the vow to love you in sickness and in health and to be your partner in the good times and bad"

You didn't know what to say. Christen knew everything and she still chose to stand by your side. You always said you didn't deserve her and now you know this more than ever but the difference is you are determined to spend your life making up for the years you spent keeping her in the dark. You will earn back her trust and show her just how much you love her.

[briarberrythornedhart]

Courage is a Prerequisite

CW: Eddie being kinda a jerk to reader at first, Aged up Characters, reference to nude pictures, mostly fluff, no smut

Eddie Munson/You

Word count: 1615

⚔️ ⚔️ ⚔️

You found that cursed flyer in the Roane County Community College Library, tacked to the bulletin board.

You joined the group with some hesitation, but they were mostly cool.

Mostly dudes, quite a few graduates from Hawkin’s High, and a few current high school seniors. Including, your favorite - Dustin Henderson - the adorable little brother you always wished for.

Dustin was funny and welcoming and had a way of knowing (like magic) how to shut down arguments among the party. He was the social director for the group. Always throwing parties for everyone’s birthdays and organizing secret gift exchanges and creating sign up sheets for potlucks. He had a gift for getting people to be involved and do things.

Dustin could even influence the group’s Dungeon Master.

Eddie was 25 years old, a mechanic by day, a gifted lead guitarist every other Friday, an artist, whip-smart, and devastatingly hot but SOOOOO Annoying!!

Somehow Dustin had figured out how to make Eddie Munson (who absolutely still complained everytime) to come to these other events and on time and with his assigned snacks.

Eddie was respectful as a Dungeon Master but out of game, sometimes, he was just mean to you for no goddam reason. Sometimes he would be all teasy-flirty with you and then make fun of you if you flirted back.

The third session you attended maybe dressed up a bit (just to look cute) maybe a little to get his attention. Eddie looked you over and called you a ‘dirty slut’. He was ‘joking’ or whatever... when you got angry he said he meant the outfit looked hot (not you though - specifically your outfit) and he was “sorry for joking around” but ever since you had been holding this grudge...

Anyway - Dickish DM aside - the group was great.

⚔️ ⚔️ ⚔️

About two months into the current Campaign (and 2 dead characters - murdered by the dick DM in collusion with your bad die rolls), at the end of a long but admittedly exciting game night, everyone was packing up to go.

Jeff and Eddie were in a heated argument about who would win in a fight between Captain Kirk and Han Solo.

But you stopped listening to that silliness because Dustin approached you, “Can I ask for some advice?”

Aww - he came to you for advice. It warmed your heart that he wanted to open up to you about his worries. He was such a cutie-goober. Equal parts of both.

“Suzie’s mad at me,” he sighed.

“What’d you do?” You asked. Because little-dude was a Goober. And Suzie was pretty easy-going from what you could tell.

Dustin looked uncomfortable, and he near-whispered, “We were sending dot matrix converted pictures of each other - our school pictures - through web email and I asked if she would show me something... lower.”

“Dustin.” The rebuke in your voice was mild. As was the offense in your opinion. They’d been together (long distance) for years, you’d have asked for naughty pictures too in that situation.

You still clicked your tongue at him, though.

“I know, I know,” he took off his ball cap and ran his hands through his long curly hair, “... but I can’t help wondering... you know upstairs-outsidies is as far as we got at Camp Know Where and I said I want her to be my girl and she said ‘forever’ and so...”

“The ‘net is a wild place right now, man, that’s a crazy trust exercise for you to ask for! What if someone hacks in and takes the pictures?!” You shook your head at the audacity.

“Or my mom could find them printed out. I know, I know and I apologized and told her I'd keep my hormones in check - but I don’t think she’s forgiven me and she’s just so pretty and I love her - and I don’t want her to be mad at me anymore for being a stereotypical gross hornball dude.”

“I don’t think she’s mad at you for wanting to see her naked. I know she’s in that very religious *cough Cult* household but like Guys don’t have a monopoly on hormones and desire and shit.” You tapped your pencil with the troll eraser topper against your cheek pondering this... “Personally, I’d feel more comfortable mailing polaroids of my body than sending them in electronic mail. It feels safer...”

A familiar voice danced into your ears. “Oh, would you?? Is there a mailing list I should sign up for?” Of course DM Eddie was eavesdropping and interrupting players, his favorite pastimes.

“This is an A and B conversation, Munson, you can C your way out of it.” You snarked.

“I don’t think so, Sweetheart. Ya’ see - Dustin is asking for advice from You,” he narrowed his eyes and leaned in - it would be menacing if he wasn’t equal parts goofy and pretty - those freckles across his pretty face..., “ You - our newest member, and I’ve known Dustin longer - I’m gonna have a better understanding of his whole situation.” He cocked his head forward and his hair flew around - it was so stupid pretty.. .Annoying. It was so Annoying. “I’ve got seniority here, dollface.” he looked back and forth between you. “So what’s the situation?”

Dustin cleared his throat to start explaining but you forced a laugh and put up a finger in the air, “I wouldn’t ask Munson to advise me out of a wet paper bag.”

Eddie made a noise between a scoff and a hurt gasp but his eyes sparkled. “I would never give Dustin bad advice.” he looked at Dustin, “Didn’t I help you THIS session, to avoid pissing off that Djinni prince??”

“Of course you know the answers In Game when you are a Big Bad Serious DM.” You put your hands on your hips. “This is real life. Dustin doesn’t want to mess things up with Suzie.”

“Wait? Is Suzie a real person?” Eddie smirked. This was a common bit- the whole group (with yourself, Will, and Mike as the notable exceptions) teased Dustin about his long distance girlfriend not being real. Of course they hadn’t been in chat rooms with her like you had. She had a LOT of personality and no AI was that sophisticated...

yet.

Dustin didn’t even dignify the jab with a response. He just looked at you with pain in his eyes. “So, how do I make her forgive me?”

“You don’t.” You said. And both guys looked like you slapped their individual faces (!). “I mean, you can’t MAKE someone forgive you, Dustin! You need to be brave. You can only work to figure out what really happened, then apologize - a real apology that shows understanding of her feelings and concerns - and promise to do better. And I think she doesn’t want to hear you say you are ‘sorry for wanting to see her naked’ because that’s probably not what pissed her off and ... it’s not true, is it?”

Dustin nodded. “Yeah. Okay, okay, I can do that.” Clearly listening and processing this, “Hey - can I get a ride home?”

“I’d love to, Buddy, but my car is broken again.” You shrugged. “I biked.”

“What’d you do to her now??” Eddie groused.

“Nothing!! she’s just old.” You snapped.

“You need to do regular maintenance, I’ve told you this before - fer cryin’ out loud! Is the engine smoking again?” Eddie griped.

“Yes - Eddie! You Know I can’t afford regular oil changes. Not at the rate you recommend.”

Dustin cleared his throat. “Eddie, can you drive us both home?” He smiled with his little brother energy and Eddie replied,

“Of course, dude, grab your stuff.” And to you. “You coming?” All weird and stilted like he didn’t want to give you a ride and You’d Honestly Rather not impose and subject yourself to more of his BS, but It was Raining.

Eddie helped you heft your bike into the back of his van. He wouldn’t make eye contact with you though.

Dustin kept you both on safe-non-argument-inducing topics on the ride to his place. But then you were alone with Eddie. So it was inevitable that he would start some shit with you.

He licked his upper lip and turned towards you in the back. “Can you come up here, please, I’ll feel less like your chauffeur.”

“You’d make a terrible chauffeur.” You said conversationally as you got into the front and sank into the plush seat, crossing your arms over your chest.

Eddie looked like he was gonna start a fight with you again but then sighed, drooped, his hair falling in his face. “I’m... sorry.”

Did he just say that?? Really??

“I’m sorry I said you looked like a dirty slut.” His words were suddenly coming at you like a verbal deluge. Drowning you in sincerity?? He was capable of Sincerity?? “I’m sorry... that I said ... that I was joking. What I should have said is... I always think you look hot and it’s distracting sometimes when I’m trying to be a big bad serious DM, and you are in these tight jeans and shit and I don’t want... to fight with you anymore. I want us to be close. Like you and Dustin apparently are. Friends. If you can be friends with a guy who finds you attractive. Please. I’ll... I’ll do better.”

He turned toward you and his eyes were so big and pretty. His sexy lips were saying impossible things. Maybe you hit your head earlier and are currently passed out or this is a dream or...

“I promise. I can be a good friend. I can.” He sounded a tad unsure.

“Eddie, I can't just be friends with you. I’m into you. I’m totally bonkers crazy about you.”

“Oh.” For a moment he looked confused. Still sad. Contemplative.

And then the trademark smirk came back. “So, that means you want to be more than friends with me?”

[malii-the-bonehead]

The Other Woman pt6

Heres Part 6, finallyyyyy.

Slow burn

Summary: Chris, a popular hockey player at school where Y/n went, found himself falling for the beautiful, shy girl. As time went on he found out who Y/n truly was as a person and ultimately, he had to make the choice, his girlfriend, or the other woman.

Part 6

Monday came by quicker than I had hoped. When I woke up that morning I felt so sick. I had a throbbing headache and my stomach was killing me. I had been up for probably 30 minutes before I had rushed to the bathroom to vomit the acids in my stomach, since I hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. 

Yeah, I was not going to school today. I also called work and explained the situation. My boss was understanding. She told me to take as much time as I needed.

I turned off my lights and put the mini trash can from my bathroom next to my bed. I flipped onto my side, facing the edge of my bed in case I had to lean over and puke again. I curled up and held my stomach, feeling the pain finally take over.

– 

I woke up from the sound of my door being opened harshly. I groaned and opened my eyes. My mom was standing in my doorway.

“Y/n, what are you still doing here? It’s Monday. You have school.”

I explained to her how I wasn’t feeling well. She walked out of the room and came back with some water and medicine for me to take.

“Rest up then, kiddo.” She kissed my forehead. “If you need anything, just call me.” She pushed my hair out of my face then turned to leave the room. I checked my phone to see what time it was.

It was 11:30. They had 3 new messages. 2 of them from Chris and 1 of them from my dad. I checked the one from my dad first.

When you coming visit? I miss yall. Don’t be a stranger, Y/n. Text me back when you can. I love you.

I sighed and closed out of the message, then clicked Chris’s contact. I looked at his message, soon responding after reading them. 

Why aren’t you in 3rd hour? Are you here today? Soon after his first message he had sent, Hello?? 

I typed back, Sorry, Chris. I’ve been sleeping all morning. I’m sick with what I think is the stomach flu. But I should be back by Wednesday or Thursday. 

I shut off my phone. I wasn’t tired anymore so I grabbed my TV remote and played some music. I sat up in my bed and grabbed my school bag from the floor. I opened it and grabbed my computer, checking my school work I had missed for the day. I had probably 4 assignments. Soon after starting my first assignment, my phone buzzed. I picked it up and checked the message. Chris had texted back rather quickly. 

Send me your address. I’ll bring you some food and medicine. I laid back on my pillow, smiling like a 14 year old with a crush. I practically kicked my feet at his message. To be honest, I knew I’d get to this point with Chris. Where I would fall for him. But I think a part of me had always liked Chris. Even just seeing him walk past me in the hallways would always make my heart hurt, I just never realized I actually liked him until he talked to me the first time. I sent him a message back.

No, don’t worry about it. I should be fine but thank you. He read it. I sat waiting for his message for a while before I figured he wasn’t texting back. I shut off my phone and started working on my school assignments once again.

It took me about 2 hours to do everything I had missed. By the time I finished, school would have been 10 minutes from the final bell ringing. Chris had never texted back. I was kind of bummed about it, but tried not to think about it too much. 

I got up out of my bed and immediately felt a wave of dizziness overcome me. I rushed to the bathroom, emptying my already empty stomach once again. I sat on the bathroom floor for a good 20 minutes, too scared to move. Throwing up was definitely my least favorite thing. 

My mom came knocking on the bathroom door once I hit the 25 minute mark. Not that anyone was counting, except for me. 

I flushed the toilet and pushed myself against the wall. “You can come in.”

“Are you sure? Someone’s here to see you.”

My eyes furrowed in confusion. The bathroom door opened after a few seconds of silence. I saw my mom, water bottle in hand. She walked in, sitting next to me. After she sat down she called out, “Don’t be shy, we don’t bite.” She giggled and pushed my shoulder softly. I just looked at her, then towards the door. 

“I brought you some food and things to help with your stomach.” Chris walked in. My eyes widened and I tried to quickly stand up. The second I felt dizzy, I collapsed back into the position I was in again. Mom ran her fingers through my hair. Then she started to rub big circles into my back. Chris put the toilet seat down and sat on it. He was now in front of me holding a bag of food and medicine. “I didn’t know what kind of food you ate but Alice said you liked strawberries and toaster strudels so I grabbed a few packs of everything.”

Yep, I was for sure going to kill Alice. He pulled out of the bag a packet of medicine and a sweet tea, as well as a pepsi. He left the food in the bag but placed it on the counter next to my sink. He read the back of the packet and took out 2 pills, handing them to me along with the sweet tea. 

“How did you get here? I didn’t tell you where I lived.” I grabbed the things from his hands. My face was flushed and I was hot. I probably looked like a mess. My face was pale and my cheeks were red. My hair was a mess and I was wearing fuzzy socks and some shorts with a hoodie. It was hot and I was sweaty.

“That was also Alice. She’s very helpful.” He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. My mom put her hand on my knee. I looked at her.

“Say thank you, Y/n. He came all this way for you.”

My head was throbbing. “Thank you,” I mumbled. 

“I’ll leave you alone.” Mom stood up and walked to the bathroom door. “Yell if you need anything.” She walked out, leaving only me and Chris in the small bathroom.

Chris held his hand to my forehead. “Yeah, you’re definitely sick. You’re burning up. Where do you keep your towels?” I pointed to the cabinets under the sink. He got up and rummaged through the cabinet before pulling out a small black towel and running it under the cold water from the sink. He rang it out then placed it on my head. I went to grab it but he pushed my hand away, holding his hand and the towel to my forehead. 

“Thank you, Chris.”

He smiled and sat next to me, replacing the spot mom was previously in. 

“You know, 3rd hour was soooo boring without you.” He dragged out the so, making it seem way too dramatic. I looked at him. He pushed the hair out of my face and tucked the strands behind my ears. “Can I put your hair up for you?” I nodded my head.

“Let’s go to my room first. I’ve been here way too long.” Chris got up first, grabbing my hand to help me get up. If I wasn’t in so much pain, I would have been so nervous. 

He led me out the door and to my bed. He let go of my hand and grabbed my desk chair. He pulled it to the side of my bed next to me. I turned my back to him, handing him the hair tie on my wrist. I held the towel to my head.

He gathered all my hair and pulled it back into a ponytail. He was very gentle. So gentle I almost didn’t feel it. “There, that’s better”

I felt my face heat up. I shifted and turned back to face him. He got up and went back to the bathroom, soon coming back with the bag of food in his hand. He placed it on my bed next to me. I rummaged through it, grabbing the pack of strawberries. They looked so good. 

“Here,” I handed him a strawberry. He took it and ate it. I also grabbed one and ate it. They were so sweet. 

“You have a nice room. It really describes who you are.” I looked at him puzzled.

“That is a good thing, right?”

He nodded his head at me. A few seconds passed but it felt like minutes.

“You know, you really didn’t have to come here for me. I’m grateful, but you could have been doing better things.” I looked at him. He was studying my room, looking around and messing with the trinkets on my side table. 

“I don’t mind. I wanted to see you anyway.” He looked at me, his head tilted. He had a grin on his face. My face was red once again. I kept eating the strawberries silently, offering some to Chris whenever he had finished his last. I grabbed the remote from my bed and turned off the music that had been playing for the past few hours. Now the room was completely silent. It was a comfortable silence. Something about Chris being here was making my heart calm down. My stomach started to feel better. 

He looked at me for a while before saying, “Alice is worried about you too. You should text her. Let her know you’re okay.” I smiled at him. 

“For being sick, you’re still really beautiful.” He pushed my hair back. I removed the towel from my head and put it on the empty spot next to me. I grabbed his hand from my hair. I dropped our hands into my lap and fiddled our fingers together. I played with his hand, but it didn't seem like he minded. I lifted our hands, placing one of mine against his. His were bigger than mine, only by a little bit. We both looked at our hands. I interlocked our fingers. I don’t know why I did that, but he didn’t pull away. We looked at each other. 

He’s so beautiful. So much prettier than me, that’s for sure.

I put our hands down on my bed. Our fingers were still wrapped around each other. 

“Why is it that everytime you come around, I get nervous?” I looked at him.

“I don’t know.” He responded slowly. “But, I think you make me nervous too. I get a tingly feeling around you.” His small confession caught my attention.

My eyes widened. “I get a tingly feeling too. Right.. Here.” I placed his hand on my heart. He held it there, feeling my heart beat. 

“Your heart’s racing.”

“I know.”

He looked at me and moved his hand away. He grabbed mine and placed it on his heart.

His heart is racing too. I felt my body go numb.

“Mine’s beating fast too, isn’t it.” He said that as more of a statement than anything. 

My breath hitched. I scanned over his face. His cheeks were a light pink. His hair was slicked back into a baseball hat, a little bit sticking out by his ears. He looked so good. I looked at his eyes then down to his lips. He noticed it and I moved my hand away.

I want to kiss him. God, I want to kiss him so fucking bad. 

I looked back to his eyes, his finding mine. I looked away from him. 

You’re sick, Y/n. No, that’s not important, he has a girlfriend. A beautiful and sweet girlfriend. Someone who doesn’t deserve anything less than Chris. Someone who is way better for him than you could ever imagine. 

Chris and Clairissa were perfect together. They’ve been dating since the beginning of our junior year. Everyone knew who they were and who they belonged to. It would be a sin to separate them. 

Chris spoke, pulling me from my thoughts. 

“I guess I should get going soon. I have a hockey game tonight. You should come.” I looked back at him.

“I know you aren’t feeling well, but if you end up feeling better, come watch it. It starts at 7 at the rink.” 

“I’ll think about it.” I smiled softly. He smiled back and patted my head. He stood up and pushed the chair back to its original spot. Chris walked to the door of my room, opening it. 

“If I don’t see you later, text me.” 

I looked down at my lap. “I will. Thank you again, Christopher.” He grinned.

“Anything for the pretty lady.” My head snapped up. There it was again. He called me pretty again. He turned and shut the door. Soon after, my door opened again and mom walked in. She practically skipped over to my bed, a big smile on her face. She pushed my shoulder softly again.

“He was cute,” She wiggled her eyebrows at me and giggled like a little girl. I smiled and sighed. 

“I know.”

[something-tofightfor]

Detective Tim Rockford Headcanons

Listen, I don’t know how we got here either, but if I said I was surprised, it’d be a lie.

Don’t look at me. 

@the-blind-assassin-12​ @haylzcyon​ and @stealyourblorbos​ encouraged the HELL out of this, and I thank them endlessly. 

Almost 3k of headcanons about less than two minutes of a character under the cut. 

Born on February 29, 1984 - he’s a Leap Year baby, but doesn’t like talking about it because people always make a big deal about it and “It’s just another day. It’s not a big deal.”

His parents had him young - his mother was 25 when he was born and his father was only 27. 

He lost his dad when he was 15 to a car accident - a driver ran a red light and t-boned the car that Tim and his dad were in. The man died on the scene, and so did the other driver, but Tim’s only injuries were a huge bump on the side of his head, a cut on the bridge of his nose, and a broken wrist. 

Despite everything he’s seen and done in his law enforcement career, he’s still optimistic and tries to see the best in people without losing sight of the job at hand. No one has ever accused him of having his mind made up on a call or a case before he knows the facts, and he intends to keep it that way. 

He joined the Academy at 22, and became a Detective (prefers to be referred to as a Criminal Investigator, though) at the age of 33. Specializes in homicides - but can and will take on whatever case is assigned to him.

He’s always worked in California, but started his career in San Francisco and transferred home to Sacramento few years later to be closer to his mom when she got older. 

He only has two unsolved cases since his promotion; one of them, the suspect died before he could crack the case and officially charge her. The other, the man avoided charges on a technicality: the search warrant for the vehicle was deemed to have insufficient correct information and all of the evidence was thrown out. (The incorrect information was not Tim’s fault - it was the issuing judge’s, and Tim is still pissed even years later.)

Tim is also very observant - and it doesn’t stop at on the job situations. 

He’s very intuitive and compassionate, and always has been. He’s generous with his time and himself (early/mid 20’s Tim helped countless people move into and out of their houses and apartments - he goes out of his way for friends whenever possible.)

He’s very quick to pick up on what people are thinking and feeling, and can analyze his surroundings very quickly and efficiently. He doesn’t have a photographic memory, and he’d never call it a 6th sense, but sometimes it just seems like he knows things and can recall details that most people wouldn’t be able to remember. 

Tim’s a daydreamer. Yes, he stays busy with work, but he has no qualms about taking time off to recharge and relax. It’s one thing that his father instilled in him when he was really young - he remembers that even though his dad was busy and worked a lot to support the family, they always made time for trips, both lengthy and one-day. 

Some of his best memories of his dad are the summer afternoons they spent at Angels games, and he makes it a point to go to a few every season - sometimes alone, sometimes with dates and sometimes with friends. 

He can be moody, and people are really quick to assume that it’s just because of what he does for a living, but Tim’s actually pretty good at keeping work/home separate - he’s especially moody when people waste his time.

When he makes a decision, he makes a decision. He thinks and then acts - there’s no delay, unless there’s a good reason for it. This applies to both his job and his personal life - he doesn’t have time for bullshit, and is direct, especially when he feels strongly about something - but it’s rare that he jumps the gun.

He has a temper, but it’s really rare that it breaks through, because he’s had practice keeping calm when it counts. 

He isn’t physically violent, and he doesn’t even yell much … but you can always tell when he’s pissed. The lines between his brows deepen, and he gets very, very quiet - almost to the point that it’s scary. 

But he doesn’t erupt often. He uses his anger as a focal point and internalizes as much as he can. So when he does break? When he snaps at people or raises his voice or gets mad? You know it’s serious - and so do the people on the receiving end of whatever scathing things he has to say. 

He makes decent money, and doesn’t really spend it frivolously. 

Owns a condo in Willow Creek, northwest of Sacramento. 

Drives a modest SUV. 

Not picky when it comes to food, but prefers red meat and doesn’t drink wine unless it’s necessary. Enjoys whiskey but prefers clear alcohol. Absolutely lives on takeout when he’s working cases, but when he’s home, he likes to cook for himself (and anyone he has over).

He doesn’t watch much TV, but he does like cooking shows - they’re always on, and when he can’t sleep/is up at night working on cases, he puts them on in the background and has actually learned a lot. (Secretly, he wants to be on the Home Cooks version of Chopped and thinks he could probably win.)

Has a sweet tooth - cookies and cream ice cream and key lime pie (hold the toasted coconut) are his favorites. 

Thinks most new music is ridiculous, all sounds the same, and couldn’t tell you a pop station callsign if you paid him. (Unless he’s within eyesight of a billboard, that is.) Likes late 80’s and early 90’s rock, and tolerates some of the glam metal from the late 70’s and 80’s, because it’s what his parents listened to. 

His guilty pleasure band is Coldplay - and their first couple albums are what he uses as “driving between locations while on cases/at work” music to clear his head. 

Tim sees a chiropractor once a week for chronic back pain - all those long hours sitting at his desk or staring at intel and driving between locations has done a number on him. He had to go as a teenager after the accident, too - so as an adult, he already knew how much it could help. 

Has ONE tattoo - a bullseye on his hand, which is in the same place his father last touched him. 

The man grabbed his hand after the accident while they were waiting for the ambulance and didn’t let go, even after he was already gone. (This is the same hand that had the broken wrist, but Tim didn’t even realize until much later that he was in pain.) Every time Tim touches it - on purpose or on accident while he’s deep in thought, it’s like his dad’s still there with him. 

And when it comes to the way he is with women? Well… there’s a lot more to him than what you see on the surface. 

He is patient. No, he doesn’t like wasting time - but there’s a difference between wasting time and taking time to do something right - and you both know it. 

He likes someone else taking charge, and won’t actively try and persuade you to do anything you don’t want to. But since he can read people so well, he’s got a good idea of what you want and need before you do. He has no problem suggesting things just to see if you’ll be into them like he thinks (and sometimes hopes) you are. 

He is fiercely protective - but not in an overbearing way. There’s no question about how he feels about someone, because he speaks up. He doesn’t like it when someone has to worry about how they’re treated by other people, or how a situation that they might not be comfortable in / familiar with will play out. 

He is a HUGE proponent of physical touch - but that doesn’t mean he’s going to hold your hand all the time. He likes being close enough to touch you in some way, an arm around your shoulders, a hand on your back, his arm pressed to yours, standing behind you so that his chest is against your back. 

It’s about the closeness for him, and if you’re not comfortable with that, it probably wouldn’t work out for the two of you. He doesn’t really get to get close to people at work - it’s a very solo job for the most part, so when he’s not at work, he craves real, honest and lingering human contact. 

But, with that being said, he likes to stay in a lot when he’s with you. He prefers smaller crowds and more intimate places than going to something like an outdoor festival/event/busy place all the time. He does like going to these places every now and then, but they have to be balanced out by more quiet, alone time. 

One exception to this rule, though - he loves movie theaters. Loves sitting in the dark with the giant screen and the greasy popcorn and sticky candy. Loves a good comedy. Hates superhero movies. Action/adventure is also a top genre for him - and he’s seen a TON of sci-fi movies. 

Some of his favorites? The Goonies. Jurassic Park. He can quote Talladega Nights. He snuck into a movie theater to see Zoolander when he was 17 and so it holds a special place in his heart. Starship Troopers is arguably not a great movie, but he loves it. “It’s about what the movie is trying to say,” he explains - every single time someone asks. 

Anyway. Back to Tim as a significant (or not so significant) other: 

The job doesn’t leave him the time that he’d like to pursue a “normal” relationship - it’s a lot of long hours and late nights, which means that anyone he’s seeing has to understand this and be alright with it. 

He tries to make time for the person he’s seeing, but sometimes, getting called into work can’t be helped. (He once had to get up in the middle of an anniversary dinner because he got a call about a suspect lead that had panned out - and needless to say, there wasn’t a makeup dinner on that one.) 

With Tim, you have to expect him to show up at weird times for weird amounts of time - 6:30 PM on a Thursday? That’s the only time he’s got free to grab some ice cream before he has to go to work. 1:45 in the afternoon on a Sunday? Late lunch/early dinner before you have to go into work because he hasn’t seen you since Wednesday. The mattress dipping at 4:30 in the morning on a Wednesday when he finally comes home from a crime scene or tears himself away from his desk after a 16 hour work day? 

At least you’ve got his arms around you for a couple hours before you have to wake up. 

Short term attachments are simpler for him because there are fewer expectations, but he’s always mindful of the position he holds and won’t ever use what he does for a living as a power play. In fact, he doesn’t like to tell people until he knows them pretty well what exactly he does, because then the conversation usually turns to things he’d rather not talk about off the clock. 

One night stands are a great way for him to blow off steam - and he has done this frequently. But he also has a friend from college that lives in his hometown that’s not looking for a relationship - so they keep each other company more than occasionally. It’s an easy arrangement for them. She knows what he does and what he needs, and he’s more than happy to please her. 

But they both understand that when either of them is seeing / does find someone, that it’s over - and that’s fine by them. 

He sleeps naked - even when it’s cold out. The most he’ll wear is a pair of boxers or boxer briefs when it gets a little chilly - or when he’s getting to know someone and has them stay over the first couple times. 

He’s intense - even when he’s not trying to be. His personality might seem a little intimidating because he’s very open and outspoken, but he really just wants to put you at ease. It’s hard, though, when you lock eyes with him, or he gives you the barest hint of a smile and then tilts his head to the side and the smile changes into a smirk and then he’s asking you questions about yourself and you’re telling him everything because you can’t look away from the deep brown eyes that are carving you wide open.

It doesn’t take you long to understand why he’s able to solve so many cases  as quickly as he can; it’s literally next to impossible to keep things from him. 

He is a GIVER in bed - in every way. 

And you know he’s had a bad day when he doesn’t even give you time to take your clothes or shoes off and he’s already got his hands and mouth all over you after one of you has walked in the door. The man can do things to you through your jeans that you didn’t even think were possible before. 

He gets attached pretty quickly despite his initial hesitation with forming lasting relationships. It sounds contradictory, but if there’s even a moment of wavering, where he lets himself think “what if”, it’s hard to stop it from growing into more in his mind. That doesn’t mean that he’ll immediately change his behavior with you, or assume anything - it just means that he starts looking at things from a different perspective, just in case. 

But he won’t say anything until he’s sure. He doesn’t like failure, or feeling like he’s floundering, so he’s hesitant to act impulsively. 

The man is the best kisser you’ve ever encountered in your life. He’s not sloppy, he’s precise. He’s just as good with his mouth as he is with his hands, and after the first time you really kiss him, you’re pretty sure no one else will ever come close to making you feel the way he did again. (But you know you can’t tell him that because then he’d just get that shit-eating grin on his face and that dimple would appear in his cheek and it wouldn’t matter because you’re already a goner, so…)

At first you thought the unruly hair, mustache and patchy beard were a little bit of a cliche - frazzled, overworked cop, meant to give the air that he was so dedicated to his work that his personal appearance took a backseat to getting the job done, and you teased him about it.

But then, the first time you saw him with smooth cheeks and his hair freshly washed and styled, you realized that that was what didn’t look right. It wasn’t him. It was easy enough to run your fingers through the curls and pull them back into the disarray that both of you liked more, but it took a couple days for that heart-shaped patch - and the streaks of silver on his cheeks - to come back… and it was a long couple days. 

He likes it when you grab whatever tie he’s wearing and use it to pull him closer. He likes it even more when you loosen it a little before you do so. 

Tim is a talker. He doesn’t get loud, but he’s constantly full of praise and encouragement for you, and he has no shame about telling you what he wants - and is going - to do to you.

A while after the two of you started seeing each other, you got drunk one night on cheap beer and blurted something out to him that you’d had a dream about: him keeping the tank top undershirt he was so fond of and shoulder holsters (minus weapons) on while he fucked you. 

You forgot about it for a while, and then a couple weeks later, he made it happen. (And he liked it just as much as you did because the straps gave you something new to hold on to. 

He is very, very emotional - but is also very, very good at hiding it. He does have tells, though:

 The way he clenches his jaw. 

Pressing a thumb to or circling over his tattoo. 

The tic of the muscles in one cheek as he frowns. 

The subtle jiggling of his right hand as it hangs by his side. 

The degree to which he juts his hip when he stands with one hand on it. 

Chewing on his lower lip when he’s deep in thought and not paying attention to anything else. 

They’re all things you learn very quickly the more time you spend with him, and when Tim realizes that you’ve picked up on them - when you put your hand on his knee or shoulder if you see him fidgeting, or you lean in to kiss his cheek when you see it twitching, or you brush your lips over the shell of his ear and tell him that you wish it was your lip he was biting - he knows he’s made a good decision with you. 

Like these? Want more? 

Detective Tim Rockford will return in Black Days - coming soon.

[theweirdwideweb]

In hindsight after your ADHD diagnosis, were there specific moments or behaviors from your childhood/teenage years that you saw under a new light?

Now I have not been able to get a diagnosis, but I do strongly believe I have ADHD at the very least. I thought it started and got progressively worse when I was in high school, because that's where I noticed that I was struggling. But then later, I brought up the idea to my mom and she was like "no, you've always been like this" what? But I genuinely didn't remember that.

I also found old report cards and progress reports from elementary school that all said some variation of "a pleasure to have in class, but needs to be reminded to focus and stay on task." But I was never tested? Why? I was in IEP and went to special classes weekly and was regularly tested for non-ADHD disabilities (hearing loss), so what would an extra test or two have hurt?

Did you have any moments of realization where you were like "oh, so it was always there?"

I hear you. It's so frustrating to think I could have gotten help as kid, but no one even suggested it. It had never even occurred to me by the time I was diagnosed at 34. If my psychiatrist hadn't suggested it I probably would still be undiagnosed. Looking back, of course there were signs. It's all mixed up with the fact that I was abused as a kid and developed PTSD at about 10, but here are some things that stood out:

Scored in the 99th percentile on all standardized tests, but had average grades. Did not complete assignments. Found I couldn't start my homework at home despite dire consequences from abusive parents.

Feeling developmentally different than my peers. It was like they all got something about friends and social behavior that I just missed and I couldn't figure out what it was. Related much more to adults than children.

Sensory problems. High sensitivity to light, sound, sensations. I would react with extreme anger that upset and confused everyone, myself included.

Physically uncoordinated. Poor balance, using too much or too little strength, dropping things, knocking things over. So much so that my parents had a mean nickname for me about it.

Number lists! For example: I got to school at 8. I would write down all the times between 8 and 5 in five minute intervals on a sheet of paper (9:15, 9:20, 9:25, etc) and cross them off as the time passed. Kept track of reading in a similar way (book, page, goal pages, where I'm supposed to be, difference between page I'm on and page I should be, average pages per day, etc etc etc like 10 columns. Notebooks full of this.

Extreme emotional sensitivity. Prone to depression and angry outbursts.

And so much more I'm assuming. All my parents did was tell me to stop being r*tarded and that I was a bad person. I grew up with a pervasive sense of being "the weird kid". It deeply effected my self esteem. I hope you are able to be tested. Understanding that I had a neurodevelopmental disorder instead of a moral failing and being treated for it with stimulant medication changed my whole life. I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s but thank god I was.

[exeggcute]

just a heads up - the whipping girl is great and does a really good job at describing transfem experiences imo and ring true to my life but based on conversations with transmasc friends its not as good of a reflection of transmasc experiences n can even read as offensive? idk how u identify or if that matters. I do think its worth reading for a good transfem perspective tho :3

interesting... I suppose I'll have to read on and see lol. I assume you're transfem based on the phrasing here and like, obviously communicating with me in good faith, so I mean this with no malice towards you or your transmasc friends—but I'm curious how much the "offensive" part comes from an honest/earnest reading of her work and how much stems from a more general kneejerk reaction from certain stripes of transmasc people who bristle at any descriptions of power dynamics that might implicate them in transmisogny... which, tbqh, the growing prominence of those kneejerk reactions is part of why I finally picked up whipping girl in the first place!

so I'm definitely interested in the transfem perspective, especially going back to the root of the term "transmisogny" amidst a climate where it's being repurposed for increasingly removed ends, but even as a transmasc(?)* person I've already been nodding along with stuff she's described in the foreword/blog posts that I've read so far. the only thing I would strongly disagree with is her assertion that masculine gender presentation is valued more highly than feminine gender presentation in lesbian communities, because in my experience that's not always or even often the case, but I also assume a lot of that has to do with cultural shifts over time considering that she's a few years older than my mom. lol. I actually wonder if the newfound dominance (or at least what I perceive as a dominance) of feminine perspectives in lesbian communities comes from the fact that, like, both gayness and general gender nonconformity are more culturally acceptable than they were even 15 or 25 years ago, but the former has gained more ground than the latter, and so being more "normatively" female (and therefore more mainstream) has become the new metric for assigning value in gay spaces versus an old school approach that simply valued masculinity as-is. times change etc etc. and in the act of typing all that out it also occurred to me how much the current plight of masc lesbians might be collateral damage from modern flavors of transmisognystic radfems who target trans lesbians in a way that also leaves cis butches in the lurch. much to consider...

* just to lay my cards on the table, I don't strooongly align myself with "transmasc" as a label but it does describe the general... direction in which I have moved, lol. in any case I'm certainly not transfem but I do believe in their beliefs.

[sstwins]

Femslash Feb Day 3 - Cake - Darling/Apple

I LOVE THEM SOOOO MUCH

this was so fun to right and im really happy with how it turned out

Brief Summary: Darling had definitely missed putting some ingredient in, because their cake for Princessology class had turned out fairy flat.

Word Count: 600

I’m still accepting ships for femslash feb!!! Send me your fave fem pairs and I’ll write you a fic sometime this month!! (25 spots left)

Another day in Princessology class. Today, the students were in pairs of two and assigned to make cakes. Which seemed like it should have been easier than it was.

“Darling!” Apple coughed as she pulled the cake out of the oven, her head surrounded by smoke. “The cake is totally flat!”

“Oh dear!” Darling rushed over to check. “I thought I put everything in it.”

Apple set the cake down on the stove. Totally unusable. There was no way they were passing this assignment. She took in a deep breath and put on a confident smile. “Let’s go through the ingredients together, okay? I know we had the flour, because I did that. What about the sugar?”

“I’m sure I added that,” Darling mused.

“And the eggs?” Apple continued. 

Darling’s eyes got wide. “Let me look,” she said nervously, walking over to the fridge. Reaching her hand in, Darling pulled out three completely unused eggs. Her eyes darted around nervously. “It seems I… forgot those.”

Apple pressed the smile more firmly on her face. It wasn’t very princesslike to be visibly upset. “Well, we’re out of time to redo it. We’ll just have to try again next time.”

“I’m sorry.” Darling bent down and put the eggs away. “I’m just not very good at baking.”

Apple picked up the cake and shook it out in the trash can. “Didn’t you bake when you were little? With your mom? My mom always made the most beautiful desserts.” She trailed off, fantasizing about those wonderful apple pies.

Darling looked visibly nervous. “I’m afraid my attempts usually turn out like this. You know what they say though… everyone has different skills.”

Apple had moved over to the sink, scrubbing out the pan. “Well, in order to be a princess, you’ll have to just work on some of those skills. No one ever heard of a princess who can’t bake.” She laughed a little, before noticing that Darling was deadly quiet. Apple glanced over at her. “Oh, come on. It can’t be that bad.” She dried her hands on a towel and approached the other girl. “I’m sure there are lots of parts of being a princess you’re good at.”

Darling nodded. “Yes… definitely.” She sounded less than confident.

Apple ran through some of the class lessons in her mind. Definitely not baking. And Darling wasn’t very good at being a damsel in distress. She was very restless. And she wasn’t amazing at needlepoint… 

While she was thinking, Darling had started looking fairy freaked out. Time for some emergency comforting. Apple reached over and put a hand on Darling’s shoulder. “Well, I know one thing.” She smiled again. “You’re very pretty. That’s a good trait for a princess to have.”

Darling’s cheeks suddenly got very flushed. She looked down at Apple’s hand, then suddenly walked away to the sink, picking up the pan and the dish towel. She coughed a few times before speaking, and her voice seemed a bit high pitched. “Well, I can also clean up my own mess,” she laughed, with a very airy tone.

Something seemed off, but Apple didn’t really know what was going on. She walked over to the sink and began joining Darling in cleaning. “Well,” Apple continued, “cleaning is a good trait for a princess too. And there’s other things, like knowing how to ride a horse, and being able to…”

As she continued talking, Darling’s mind was far away, still thinking about what Apple had said just a few minutes ago. She’d called her pretty. And for some reason, that made Darling feel fairy flustered.

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

Love Song for a Vampire Pt.20

Pairing(s): Edward Cullen x Wolf!Reader, Edward Cullen x Bella Swan Warnings: none Words: 3348 Summary: You meet Carmen and Eleazor. Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 8  Part 9  Part 10  Part 11  Part 12  Part 13  Part 14  Part 15  Part 16  Part 17  Part 18  Part 19  Part 21  Part 22  Part 23  Part 24  Part 25  Part 26  Part 27  Part 28  Part 29  Part 30  Part 31  Part 32  Part 33  Part 34  Part 35  Part 36  Part 37  Part 38  Part 39

Your summer school homework was the bane of your existence, tapping your pencil incessantly against your bottom lip as you stared at the jumble of letters and numbers. Whose idea was it to put letters in math anyway? Perhaps you would have known had you paid more attention in your classes instead of falling asleep or thinking of your wolf life. A life no one else in your class was aware of.

There was a small school on the La Push reservation that must have had the smallest classes in the state. Only a hand few of other students attended. A smaller class should have been better for your scholastic life right? Not when you part-timed as a wolf at night. Such an essential part to both the safety of La Push and Forks yet no one else was to know except for your fellow school going pack members who found lessons to be just as tedious. Well, excluding Quil. None of you knew how he did it, but he had passed all of his classes with a strong C across the board. You refused to accept that Quil, the same kid who used to eat sand when he was younger, was actually smarter than you.

Rubbing your fingers against your forehead, you lean back in your chair and close your eyes if just for a moment. Your body ached to run. To shed your useless human skin and take the powerful form of your wolf. Unfortunately your mom and dad had put their foot down on you at least finishing one homework assignment before you left to gallivant with the rest of your pack. By all means it was fair, but that was of little consolation now that you were faced with actually doing the work. You could take down newborn vampires but math was another battle that you were ill-equipped to handle.

You were all too eager to answer your phone when it started to ring. The caller ID had every cell in your body leaping for joy. Edward was calling. How long had it been since you heard his voice? 

Feeling guilty at how excited you were at the prospect of talking to him, you squash down those damnable butterfly flutters and pick up your phone. Did Bella tell him of the lunch you two spent together? It didn’t seem like they were speaking with one another. 

With great trepidation and elation, you press your thumb on the green answer button.

**

Rude to stare at people, you were unable to prevent your eyes from gawking at the two new vampires that stood before you. Their gold eyes told you have the identical vegetarian lifestyle that the Cullens had.

“Carmen, Eleazor, this is (y/n).” Edward introduces you with a hint of pride that you caught onto quickly. You needed to act cool. Show them that his presence didn’t affect you as much as it actually did. If they were close to Edward, he must have told them everything including that you had essentially deemed him to be your soulmate. “(Y/n), these are two members of the Denali coven. Eleazor used to be in the Volturi a long time ago. They wanted to meet both you and Bella. Get acquainted with you if we are to fight alongside each other in the future.”

So it was certain then, another battle loomed in the distance. Whether it happens a week from now or a month, Edward was already preparing for when the Volturi discovered that Bella had changed her mind about becoming a vampire and would remain human. You would have to fight for her safety once again. This time though it was different. Like you understood her better. Not that you ever resented her.

After your only real interaction with her though, you came to the conclusion that she was a good person who didn’t want any of this chaos either. In fact it seemed she resented herself a little bit for not being able to protect herself, let alone being able to protect Edward.

During your time in that diner, Bella had told you in detail what had happened in Italy when she first encountered the Volturi. All about why Edward went there in the first place and the underlying cruelty that lay underneath their put together facade. They were vampires that didn’t believe in drinking animal blood. Preferring the richness of that blood that flowed through humans instead.

She had been unable to protect him from a certain Volturi member’s power that caused invisible pain to grip its victim. Surprisingly though it hadn’t done anything to her. Bella seemed immune to this Jane’s power.

Pulling your lips into an easy grin, you held out your hand to the both of them. “Nice to meet you. It’s refreshing to meet a vampire that isn’t trying to kill me.”

Both Carmen and Eleazor smile at your little joke. Carmen shakes your hand first, her palm and fingers are like ice as they press against your warm hand. She didn’t recoil from your wolf scent, showed no sign like some of the other Cullen members had displayed when you first met them.

“This is the first time either of us have met anyone like you. Our world never ceases to amaze me. I wonder what other creatures could be thriving among us.” Eleazor comments after taking his turn to shake your hand.

That twisted face of Xiomara was like an incessant phantom in the back of your mind. Rearing it’s head up every so often to remind you of what real monsters existed. Monsters that shouldn’t be real and should stay in fairytales.

“I’m sure my alpha will want to meet the two of you as well. Show you the proof of our alliances with the Cullens.” Sam would be interested once you told him. A safe idea for you to come meet the new vampires first as you now seemed to be some sort of ambassador between the wolves and vampires. “How long will the two of you be staying here?”

“As long as it takes for us to come up with a decision and proposition for the other members of our coven.” Carmen sighs. “Three of them are still not so sure. Especially about working with your kind.”

Yeah, some members would have a problem with accepting two more so soon. Many were finally warming up to the members of the Cullen family. This new camaraderie was delicate. New and uncertain.

“We’re hoping this visit will make them come around.” Says Edward. “Depending on what Carmen and Eleazor say. They will respect their words far more than mine.”

“Not by any default of your’s.” Eleazor reassures Edward. The other three members decision was nothing of the personal nature against Edward, but surely he would be biased.

“Irina will be the real issue.” Honey gold eyes glance at you. “A male she was very interested in was killed by one of your kind.”

Wincing, you remembered the incident. The panic that had ensued because that vampire had tried to attack Bella in the woods of wolf territory. The Denali couple wave off your change in facial features, wanting you not to worry about it.

Carmen proceeds “It was a fairly new romance. We hadn’t known him for too long. Regardless, Irina feels jilted.”

You wanted to proceed carefully, choose your words with the utmost care. To not offend these newcomers since you didn't know how volatile they could be. A reassuring nod from Edward gave you the courage to speak up. "It was a regrettable action but we did what we were sworn to do: to protect the defenseless humans of Forks. That is all my pack wants, what we were made for." Compared to these immortal beings, you must have been but an infant. Hell, you hadn't even been anywhere outside of Washington before. Experiencing little of what the world had to offer you.

Both observe you with those once eerie gold eyes that you had grown so comfortable around. As if gauging your character, your inner soul. Would they deem you worthy to fight alongside with? You hoped you weren't setting a bad example for your pack. Maybe someone else should have been called rather than you. You were young and so inexperienced with giving empowering speeches. You felt so small compared to the other members. Paul or Jared were old enough to be delegates too, although a lot more short tempered than you.

The first one to break the quiet was Carmen who offered you a soft smile. "Well, I hope the others of your ilk are well mannered like you."

"Unfortunately, well mannered wolves are in short supply." You comment with a bit of a teasing lilt in your voice to inspire Carmen's smile to widen. Enough to make your body sag with relief. These were potential allies. Allies who, while they can be serious, also have a gentle side to them. Gentle and friendly. Just like the Cullens. Hope that the rest of your pack would warm up to them bloomed inside of you and you catch Edward's eyes on you. You shoot him a success filled smile. You would have a good report to give to the others.

***

When (y/n) bid farewell, promising of Sam getting into contact with them later that day, the three vampires lounge around in the living room. Everyone felt more relieved after the introduction. (y/n) had that effect on people: making them feel at ease.

"So. . . That's the wolf girl who. . . what was the word. . . imprinted on you?" Carmen asked Edward with a sly grin that made the corners of her lips curl in an impish way.

Thankfully his perpetual pale pallor prevented him from blushing. "Yes. (y/n)."

She knew she hit home with her comment as she witnessed Edward shift a little bit in his seat. "I like her. She's a cute little thing. The smell, I'm sure, I will get used to in time. It's very. . ."

"Earthy." Edward says before she was even able to finish. That's what he smelled anyway whenever he was around her. Earth and life itself.

"Is she aware of the attraction you feel toward her?" Eleazor speaks up.

He forgot how observant these two were. Of course his attentiveness toward (y/n) revealed it's true meaning to them. Indeed he himself couldn't ignore how excited he had been to see her and that (y/n) seemed like she was doing well. The dark circles under her eyes had lessened and she seemed. . . happy.

Longing was evident on both ends. So close they were but they consciously put a safe distance between themselves. That invisible wall known as Bella. She had broken things off with Edward yet neither of the fated pair were willing to take that first step to be together. Still respective of the fresh breakup and the love Edward still had for the human girl because each knew that he was willing to wage another battle, possibly a war, to protect her.

Edward couldn't think of a proper reply. Did (y/n) know? Could she smell a difference in Edward's scent whenever they were together? He didn't think so.

Putting a hand on her mate's shoulder, Carmen shook her head as if to say that the topic should be dropped for a later time. "And when can we meet Ms. Swan?"

Grateful for the change, Edward relaxed his back against the cushions. "That one will be a little bit more tricky. At the moment, none of my family are allowed to speak to her. We'd have to go through her father. He's the local police chief. After all that happened, he wants us to keep our distance."

Eleazor raised a brow. "He knows the truth?"

"All of it. Including the truth about the wolves." Edward nods.

The Volturi would not be happy that a second human knew of the secret existence of vampires. That would cause even more problems if it were to get back to them in Italy.

"I'm hoping," Edward starts "that once the wolves give their okay, Charlie will ease up a bit to at least let the two of you meet her. I'm sure Bella would like to meet the two of you as well. She hasn't really met a lot of vampires like us. Most of them have tried to kill her."

Charlie didn't keep it a secret that he preferred the wolves over the Cullens. At least they were still semi-human. And he had always been on friendly terms with Billy, Jacob's father. Something that had previously irked Edward when he had been dating Bella. It was obvious that Charlie wanted Bella to be with Jacob. That probably hadn't changed. Must have been enhanced since learning the truth of everyone. If Bella chose Jacob, then she could keep her humanity and not become a monster to be with him.

(y/n) also had Charlie's favor since she had saved him not too long ago from one of Victoria's stray newborns. Defended him without a second thought nor had she been worried of the repercussions of him learning the Quileute tribe's secret. Selfless, she had only been concerned about Charlie's safety and went up to bat for him in a heartbeat. Another attribute of the wolf girl that made Edward admire her so much. At a young mortal age, (y/n) owned the heart of someone leagues older than her. That was what drew Edward in, like a vacuum her genuine heart pulled him in and kept him there. With each interaction he had with her, the further Edward was pulled into her orbit. He wanted to stay there. Never had he felt so comfortable, so carefree. If he could dream, they would be filled with images of the lush woods with he and (y/n) spending endless hours together. If he could capture her scent in a bottle, he would. Bella may have been his singer, her blood so opulent and alluring that anyone of his kind would want to taste her, but it was (y/n)'s essence that made him feel human again. Made him feel alive.

Catching that Edward was getting lost in his own thoughts, Eleazor quietly cleared his throat to bring Edward back to their conversation. Embarrassed, Edward tucked away his musings for when he would later be alone. "I think (y/n) can convince her pack mates to meet you. Even without their consent, I'm sure she can go to Charlie and convince him too to let Bella meet you."

“You hold a lot of faith in (y/n).” Eleazor couldn’t resist the tease. Chuckling at her mate’s antics, Carmen playfully elbows him in the side. Also a slight warning to not tease Edward too much.

“She deserves my faith.” Edward told them with a whisper of softness in his eyes. Was this his fate in life? To be drawn to women that he shouldn’t be. First a human then a wolf. It would have been easier had he been attracted to Tanya. Even Rosalie when Carlisle first brought her as a potential partner for Edward. None of them had been able to bring forth such feelings within Edward though. Only Bella and (y/n) had sparked such affections in him.

**

“That’s what that strange scent was.” Jared murmurs to Paul after you told Sam of the Cullens’ two guests. They had already been in the area when you arrived at Sam’s. He called them in from the woods where they had been patrolling.

Arms folded across his chest, Sam mulls over what you had divulged about Carmen and Eleazor. More vegetarian vampires. Even had the gold tinted eyes.

“They seem like good people. Er- good vampires.” You had to correct yourself. “I didn’t sense any sort of hostility coming from them. Even when Laurent popped up in the conversation.”

It was still debated who exactly had killed Laurent when he trespassed on Quileute territory. You hadn’t been there when it happened. Only the older members of the pack had been in attendance in the forest that day. Perhaps fortunate for the younger members would not have had much experience.

“They want to meet the rest of the pack. And Bella.” Sam reiterates back to you what you had finished on.

Three pairs of eyes land on you. Trying not to feel intimidated in front of them, you straighten your back a little to feel more confident. “I think it’s natural that they want to meet everyone involved. How can we ask them to help us if they don’t really know us? We’re strangers to them. They won’t be willing to risk their lives against the Volturi, even if they are long time friends with the Cullens.” You look to Sam in particular. “For what it’s worth, I would be honored to calm them my comrades.”

A cool, impassive statue is Sam’s face until he pushes of the wall of his living room and goes over to pat your head. Confused, you, Jared and Paul watch Sam wordlessly step out of his house with a soft click of the door.

Mouth open, you direct your questioning over to Paul who was the one sitting closest to you. But he was just smiling. “What’s going on? Am I missing something?”

“Of course you are, (y/n).” Jared crows with a tilt of his head. “Couldn’t you tell?”

“Tell what?” They were beginning to annoy you with their aloofness.

Paul shakes his head. “He’s proud of you. You’ve really stepped up. Madam Ambassador.”

Jared confesses “I’m a bit jealous! And here I thought I would be considered to be his second in command.”

“Well her wolf is bigger than both of our’s. Almost the size of Sam’s.” Argued Paul as he smiles at the even more perplexed expression you had. “He takes what you think into consideration. Sam trusts you and your judgement.”

Your face heats up and you look anywhere but at them. “You guys-“

The front door opens once again and it’s Sam returning from wherever he had been. “Make some room. I’ve called another pack meeting.”

Your trio groans. And here you thought the tedious pack meetings were all but over after Victoria.

Tomorrow, everyone would meet at the borderline, meeting in the middle of their neighboring domains. A familiar grip of anxiety twisted inside of you. Thinking of another battle both terrified and. . . And thrilled you. Your wolf raged in delight of the idea. Snapping more vampire necks. So easy you had done it with your strong jaws. Your heart raced at the memories.

Violence you had never known before. . .

Puffing out a sigh into the night, you walk the quiet road by yourself back to your house. Out here there were no street lights to guide you home. That was okay. Even before you had phased, you had never been afraid to walk alone in the dark.You had always felt safe with the stars as your guardians.

Nights in La Push were beautiful and you enjoyed the solitary walk home. Gentle and caressing, a small gust of wind curls around your arms and tickles at your hair. Odd though, in that breeze you picked up the pungent scent of cinnamon and other spices that tickled your sensitive nose.

Then you heard it. Feet scuffling against the dirt behind you.

Jerking around, a cloaked figure of a woman is standing behind you. “Your blood led me here.” She rips off her hood and you see her face. Young, but not as young as you were, her green eyes contrast greatly with her tanned skin. “Found it in my sister’s home. Along with the corpse of that damn lechuza.”

Every muscle in your body was taut and ready to explode into your fur. “What do you want?”

“I am Letizia’s sister, Evita. She was killed by the lechuza, that abomination with a face of an owl.” Evita stops a few feet away from you. “I came to thank you.”

——————————

TAGLIST: @saltedcoffeescotch , @dangerouslittlefairy , @burn-crash-rqmance , @casedoina , @avadakadabra93 , @daryldixonstorm , @blue-aconite , @xanniestired666 , @esposadomd, @godinho11 , @arin-swear-rose , @alexizodd , @melaninsugarbaby , @lyeatoalinatoheaven  , @ronwownsme , @itsmytimetoodream , @afro-hispwriter , @mutandis-extremis993 , @hxgemxscles , @nightly-polaris , @corrodedcoffins-slut , @ellesalazar , @itgetzweird08 , @crybabyatthediscooffandoms , @sassyandclassyx , @scarlet2007 , @theroyalbrownbarbie , @jennyamanda8 , @stevenandmarcslove , @biancaindaeyo , @loversjoy , @turningtoclown , @vixorell , @xxthackerybinxxx , @daredevilonmyheels

[riftwirecrystal]

NINJAGO STARSTRUCK AU - SPINJITZU AT 25:00 OPENING

This is the opening of the Ninjago x Project Sekai Nightcord swap.

Hey guys, I worked hard to make sure I kept most of the character's traits present, while coinciding with N25's main story. It would mean a lot if you stopped by to read a bit!!

Harumi Yoisaki

"This isn't right. Maybe if I…? Yes, that works."

My name is Harumi Yoisaki. I am a digital composer.

I would be a second year student of high school, but I do not go to school. I live by myself and complete online courses. My parents used to work in music.

I work in a group. We meet every night on our night chat, Spinjitzu. Ever since my parents were hospitalized I promised to keep doing what they did.

I don't live in a very roomy apartment. I barely pay the rent. Sometimes I will forget to eat.

But, I continue. Because I must compose.

I visit my parents sometimes. They don't wake up. They never will.

Because they are dead. And it's my fault.

So I continue. And the cycle will go on.I must compose.

Even though sometimes it's hard, I continue. Because this is my place. I will save someone.

I just need to keep composing. And soon…I will be able to save someone from the same fate as my parents.

They went out to drive…

"No. I will not think about it. I will keep going. I must save someone…

"My screen lit up.

"Hey Rue, I finished arranging that part for you. Do you want the demo?"

It was from L. He arranges my music and adds lyrics.

"Yes please," I wrote back. He sent the file, and I pressed play.

A harsh, but sweet melody flooded the room. The composition flowed smoothly with the arrangements L did.

"Thank you, L. It sounds good," I typed.

"I'm glad. I think I'm going to log off," he typed back.

So early? That's weird…"Get some sleep! You must be tired, but it sounds good though," typed Nyad.

"Yeah, I heard you had class tomorrow, so rest well," added PIX.

Nyad works with our other member, PIX. Nyad does the art while PIX does the editing.

We post songs and music videos on our shared account, S25. Usually I get slightly more of the cut we make due to my living situation, but I still make sure to give them the amount they deserve too.

We've never met each other face to face, but I find joy in working with the three of them.

Even with that, I'm not doing this for fun.

I must compose.

Lloyd Asahina

I logged off the computer.

I am Lloyd Asahina, a second year high school student.

I glanced at the sheet of music on my desk, then the workbook that’s shoved to the floor.

Guess I should do that then, huh?

I slowly and miserably picked up the book from the ground, then placed it on my desk.

But I couldn't open it.

I didn't want to open it.

But I had to, didn't I?

I had to.

I ended up finishing the notes and assignments I was supposed to take next week.

Hopefully that will be enough…

My mother called from the hallway. "Lloyd? Are you still awake?"

"Yeah. Just finishing some things for next week," I said.

She softly opened the door. "Good. I don't want you being all caught up with those people online again. You know what happened last time. You're so talented and gifted, and I want the best for you… okay?"

It's hard to fight with her. I gave up a long time ago. Now I only hide.

"Yes, mom," I replied.

My mother is Dr. Misako Asahina. She is one of the most famous and world renowned doctors in the world. She has no interest in music, and expects me to take a similar career to her.

But I don't know what I want to do. I don't know who I am.

What do I want to be…?

But I continue to do whatever she says. I don't know why. I just can't defy her, no matter how hard I want to.

I'm supposed to be the best for everyone around me. Why stop now…?

I haven't known myself for a long time now. It's nothing new to feel like this.I can't help it. I still hate it.

But if that's the case, why can't I leave it…?Deep down, I knew the truth.I could not escape.

I have been forever alone.

I hate it.

I hate myself.

I have lost who I am.

Nya Shinonome

For forever, I have wanted to become an artist.

I have many names.

Nya Shinonome, for one.

But I can also be Kai’s sister, a little girl, the loner, etc.

I am all of them.

Yet I am none of what I want to be.

I do not go to school during the day.

I have never been able to choose my own path.

When I try, I am constantly told I’m not good enough.

I should give up.

I should stop trying.

I am not talented.

I am not valued.

But I persevere.

My destiny should be what I make. Not what anyone else says. I will be good enough. I can be good enough.

But am I really?

Yes, I always tell myself.

As I tell myself this again, I get a text message from PIX in the chat.

“Hey Nyad, can I see the storyboard you were working on for the next song?”

I quickly sent her the progress I’d made so far. “Here.”

“Thanks! You’re so talented, I’d never be like you,” she responded.

That made me feel a bit better.

Sometimes it does get hard.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything right.

Sometimes I feel completely and utterly useless.

Sometimes I just feel like I want to disappear.

It’s the worst feeling in the world.

But I need to prove everyone who doubted me wrong.It doesn’t matter who tells me I can’t do it.

My parents, my teachers, my brother, none of them.

I will pursue my dream.

Even if it means I’ll have to fight all the doubts clouding my head.

Pixal Akiyama

I sighed.

Everyone else had logged off already.

What do I do now..?

I looked at my bag and remembered the schoolwork due next week.

"I really don't want to do that right now…"

I tried to ignore it and started working on the new music video. My name is Pixal Akiyama. I am a first year high school student.

I use my friend Nyad's art in edits for Rue and L's songs. Lately my inspiration has been lacking. I'm not sure why.

School life isn't much better either. It's been a while since I've talked to Sora… I noticed an influx in people calling me names and avoiding me too. I'm always excluded and made fun of.

I don't know why.

I miss my dad…

My dad is Cyrus Akiyama, a clothing designer with a very different approach to styles. He moved away to work for his company a few months ago.

I haven't had many people to talk to recently.

I miss talking.

It's been so long…

I miss having people to confide in. To run to. To trust.

No one accepts me. And no one will.

I am alone. Forever and ever.

[mushiemellows]

Character ask game: Robin + 8, Jinbei + 23, and hmmm Nami + 25?

oh yesss thank you so much!!

Robin- 8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

When they call her old. It's one thing to like, call her old-er in text when she's having like, a convo with Nami, but it's another thing when they go FULL Milf mode. I think some people don't realize what 30 like, actually means? (ok maybe i have a soft spot for a milfy Robin in like, certain settings wink, but some people go overboard. 30 isn't old)

Jinbei- 23. Favorite picture of this character?

This one!

When he's reintroduced post-timeskip sitting on the forest floor meditating in front of Otohime's grave. FMI is all about reintroducing everyone, and Jinbei's such a special case because he's actually the one we've seen the most recently, but his context gets to change now that the Summit War is long in the past. It really amplifies his position as just peacekeeper really early on, and sets the tone for his character going forward. He has this capacity to be really strong, to kick ass, to get riled up (as seen by his fight with Sanji not long after this) but he needs the peaceful reintroduction. He feels like he properly seeks solace, he still holds mourning in his heart, he sits in his feelings.

Nami- 25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

Ohhhh I'm so glad you asked this one. So technically, my first impression of Nami I remember comes from 2004. I wasn't allowed to watch the 4kids dub when I was a child (misogyny kept me from catching that stray bullet), but I would see ads for it on tv and I loved loved loved Nami. If you asked me what one piece was when I was 9, I would have said its the story of a cool pirate girl and maybe some other guys are there too. One Piece, in my head was Nami's show more than it was anything else. I could pick out Nami from a lineup before I knew that the main character had stretchy powers. EB Nami sits in this pocket of 00s Beach Girlies that I looooooooved growing up (think like, KH Kairi, etc. Skorts and water shoes and a cute little haircut). Actually watching the show in my late 20's shifted my opinion (I'm obv more Robin aligned, but that's because 2000s Me didn't even KNOW what was in store. I think if me and my sister had been allowed to watch op as kids + the dub wasn't shit + merch was plentiful, my sister would have been Assigned Nami and I would have been Assigned Robin, which is a correct alignment to make.) When I actually started the show, she really captured me Orange Town through Arlong Park, I actually don't revisit AP very often because it's so emotional, OOF.

Currently, I'm having a lot of fun with Nami. She's mid Ulti fight in Wano for me rn, loved her trying to manipulate Big Mom, anxious to see how this Zeus sub plot pans out?? This Prometheus/Hera/Zeus/Nami abusive love square is currently my favorite driving conflict, it's so weird and funny to me. I'm excited to see her properly fight Ulti, I feel like she hasn't had a GREAT fight of her own wits for a while. Sometimes I wish she got to use some of her science smarts, I think they've been dulled a bit to just "weather magic" but she's really so smart. Thanks for letting me Nami ramble.

[rebelwhump]

OC's

Alice Strong (22) Grew up with her mom and older brother, Calvin. She is a strong-willed individual, who likes women and dislikes authority. Currently a Computer Science Major, studying web development, although she’s barely passing her classes. She met her current roommate and friend, Jasmine, when she was a Freshman and assigned to live with her in the dorms. They now live in a small apartment complex on campus. Alice is always dying the tips of her blonde hair a different color, and never leaves the house without her combat boots.

Jasmine Sato (21) A bubbly, yet insecure, Fine Arts Major who spends most of her free time painting and sculpting, when she's not hanging out with her new boyfriend, Brett. Feeling pressure from her parents to have a more "successful" career, she struggles to find a balance between what she loves and her family’s expectations.

Tessa Gilman (22) Adopted as a baby by a gay couple, Tessa is a confident, loyal, and rational individual. Her love of the sciences and crime TV shows led her to major in Forensic Science. When she's not in the lab, most of her time is spent over at her boyfriend Aaron's place, whom she has been dating since Sophomore year.

Paul Carlisle (25) Currently working as a paralegal, Paul is protective, career-oriented, and ambitious. Forced to raise his younger brother, Brett, due to their parent's addictions, the two became very close and have a strong bond. Brett currently lives with him in the house that he is renting.

Brett Carlisle (21) Younger brother to Paul, he is an outgoing and playful athlete with a big heart. Brett started playing for the college lacrosse team during his Sophomore year, and enjoys spending time in the gym with his teammates. However, he's been distracted as of late by his new girlfriend, Jasmine, who he is head over heels for.

Aaron Sanderson (21) Although most would call him a genius, he would never refer to himself as one. A Mechanical Engineering Major, Aaron is studious, anxious, and a perfectionist. He has a love for animals, preferring them over most people, and spends time volunteering at the local animal shelter. He met Brett freshman year, when they were assigned as roommates while living in the dorms. Although they didn't get along at first, they eventually became best friends, despite their opposing personalities.

Calvin Strong (24) A foul-mouthed and blunt individual who cares more for others than he does himself, especially his sister Alice, who he's always having to bail out of trouble. At the age of 15, Calvin spent 6 months in juvie for stealing and crashing a car. Ironically, he now works as a car mechanic, and has managed to turn his life around, despite his troubled past.

[switchysyphus]

Update on yesterdays uni task ( this will be a long one soo much happened)

Before Sir M had gone to sleep he has asked me wear a buttplug while I was at uni, I told him that it had been more than a year since that hole was filled but I could try! He said if it hurts too much your task is to not wear panties and a dress. Before leaving for uni I tried to push the plug in but it felt so big I got about half in before it start to hurt so I decided to not wear panties. The dress I picked was a longer one but showed a lil peak of my cleavage, ofc my mom threw a fit about me being a slut and showing off my body.

I get into the taxi and remember I forgot my headphones so I could listen to anything spicy or clean and was forced to talk to the grab driver oh I forgot that sir also asked me to do 5 edges before I left for uni! I did those like a good girl. Anyway the guy was talking about random stuff but I could tell he looked in the mirror once, when I sat down I also realised that the button on my crotch was unopened so you could see a bit of my cunt I quickly closed the button and hope he didn’t see.

I arrived at uni about 30 minutes before class so I sat at a table and just people watched until one of my friends found me and sat with me. I told her that a guy from my high school matched with me on tinder and she actually knew him too! Now two people have told me that he has a reputation for being kinky.

Fast forward to class, prof said his usually out of pocket stuff. He was wearing a fitted button shirt and some looser pants. The class was generally uneventful kink wise but the end of class got very interesting! So we had homework to make a slideshow and present our work. Me and friend form earlier paired up for it so we were presenting and he was looking at his phone and not paying attention to us! We did our presentation and he was super mean! He said I was brave but dumb and other mean things. I wanted to cry but I didn’t want to give him or my classmates the satisfaction so I held my tears. He went on for like 20 mins telling me all the reasons why I was wrong. After class I had another question so I asked him privately and he said “yes *name* how can I help you?” with a smile on his face and almost touched my hand! Also he only knows two peoples name out of a class of 25! He went on to say that I missed a very important meeting and I made a big mistake. He said it was alright and I am lucky that he likes me to forgive me and not fail me.

I cried so hard when I went out of his class, I cried in the taxi and he was so sweet he asked if I was ok and I said no please drive me home and he put on some music go try and cheer me up!

Forgot to add that I was soo close to being done with one assignment! I only had two questions left but prof said I have to redo 12 questions so I’m down 14 questions out of 33! 😫 I thought I could cum sooner but I guess even prof likes to deny me.

[sketchystalker]

Okay. This is going to be the semester that kills me

First up, my literary criticism class has an essay due every. single. class. And hey it's a class that starts at 1:30, so plenty of time to do it in the morning, right? Nope! Due at midnight the night before. So I have to fully understand these complex texts talking about things that already go over my head enough to write a paper about it and somehow get it done way before the normal time I'd get it done at (because I am a big homework after midnight do-er). I have like zero time this weekend (because hey, it's my birthday and it's the first week of classes so you'd think I'd be able to have some time off) and my professor decided to add on a 25-30 minute video lecture to the assigned Plato reading (due with an essay Monday at midnight) that she already advised us to start two days ago, and another textbook reading on top of it.

Second, the class I had to beg to get into because my other class dropped last-minute apparently is 8 weeks, and is designed just like an online class, except I have a mandatory in-person lecture twice a week at 8:30 AM. I literally could have just taken the online class and saved time probably. It'll be nice I guess when it's term two and I don't have 17 credits going but it's going to be so much to balance initially.

Third, my grantwriting practicum. It's only three credits, but I'm spending 6 hours in the lab every week working on it because they want us to do all of our work in the lab. But I am such a slow writer that I know I'm going to have to do work outside of that time too. And the issue is that I don't get to use that time to prioritize something that may be more important at the moment, I'm stuck writing grants on all three of my most busiest days (which are right next to each other, giving me little time to do any homework for the classes that meet Tuesday/Thursday. And guess when my lit crit class meets? My Tuesday/Thursdays are literally 8:30 AM-5 PM with only an hour off for lunch. And then I have homework right after).

Fourth, I decided to take a piano class because "oh it'll be fun" and "who knows if you'll have space to take it senior year. Just do it now while you can" and yeah it should be fun, but I'm supposed to practice 30 minutes every day? There's no way. It'd be doable if I had a piano where I lived but I don't so there's no way.

And then my other two classes would be fine and doable if I literally just didn't have lit crit. But they're both English as well, and one is a 3 hour night class meeting on Wednesdays (once again giving me no time to do my Thursday homework), requiring about 150 pages read every week. And the other is variable speech/story/poem/etc. lengths but, knowing this professor, they'll have to be closely annotated. So no skimming for me if I'm short on time.

On top of that I have work, where I am now going to be one of two people among a sea of new hires (and that second person only started like three months ago and apparently makes people really uncomfortable). And I'm in charge of certifying all of them. And until that day happens, like months from now because the process actually takes forever, I and that other guy are the only ones who can give the hour-long tours. So that's 9 hours of my week right now (a majority happening during my Tuesday/Thursdays)

And I'm also the president of a club that I have no idea how to really run. There's so much shit I have to do up-top, like getting certified, making a whole budget that's extremely complicated and I don't know how to do, and start planning and holding meetings, all by a really soon date.

Plus I still have boxes I need to unpack and lists I need to research and send to my mom and apply for studying abroad before September 12th and my oven takes over an hour to pre-heat to 400 degrees which makes cooking anything impossible so I have nothing I can easily make and eat and I still need to confront a professor I've been avoiding and someone wants to interview me and I'm avoiding that email and I'm worried I'm not going to be making enough money this semester because I don't have that many hours and if I don't see my friends I get sad and lose all my motivation to do anything especially schoolwork and I have a stupid fucking 4.0 that I've maintained for this long I literally don't know how to lose it like how do you do an assignment and turn it in that isn't all of your effort ever and how do you know if you miss assignments that you aren't actually going to get a negative 500% grade in the class and I'm trying so hard to have a good semester I need a good semester after last semester I need to stay academically minded and excited to do it but I'm not going to get any exercise which naturally is going to make me sad because moving your body is good for you and feels good and i just don't have time and I said yes to a dnd campaign this semester?????? what the actual hell when i am going to have the time to do that and i want to start reading the illiad right now and i want to watch a movie every week and I think I am actually going to die