#she was never cured she just learned to live with it

[gwensy]

& like everyone in e65 is an unreliable narrator gwen stacy especially. u cannot take the things she sees and says at face value when she's already somebody who's deeply self loathing, passively suicidal, morally grey & an objectively bad, unsocialized person. she didn't use her powers for the greater good she used them from day 1 to uphold her own personal biases and make a name for herself. she has never been altruistic. her talk with uncle ben literally consisted of "you need to kill this guy, nobody else will and if you don't everyone around you will continue to suffer." . great power comes with great responsibility, and to her that responsibility is revenge against people she personally sees as deserving of it

[ursidaepilled]

Nozomi having coco as her pairing upset me so bad that the selfcest joke i made between her and dark dream became so serious

[cxrdycxps]

Apologize • Abby Anderson

☢️ Canon typical violence • shitty friends • graphic depictions of injuries • AFAB reader • size kink kinda • Abby is huge • strap sex • thigh riding ☢️

Abby Anderson Masterlist • Main Masterlist

“I mean, I feel like we may be ignoring the elephant in the room?” You leaned back on your chair and looked around at the people gathered there. “Like realistically you all have to be thinking what I am?”

“Would you like to share?” Abby asked, her arms crossed and her glare leveled at you. “Seeing as you seem to be the only one who knows what you’re talking about?”

One glance at the others assured you that she was wrong. You weren’t the only one who knew. You were the only one brave enough to say it. Mel and Owen were avoiding your look and Manny was straight up staring at the wall.

“You want to travel for weeks, during winter, on some half cocked tip that the guy you’ve been looking for, for years, might be there? And you want to round us up to do this for you?” You asked her, voice growing in volume. “You’re asking us to risk our fucking lives for you to play executioner?”

“You don’t have to go.” Abby sighed, brushing you off. You hadn’t been part of the inner circle for long. Mostly because of your antagonistic relationship with Abby. Owen usually played mediator but right now it seemed he had given up that role. “Just leave now.”

“Abby, I’m gonna say this slowly. I’m going to tell you what we’re all thinking.” You stood from your seat, well aware of Abby’s strength and her abilities. You only had speed on your side if she decided to attack you. “Your dad was going to knife up a thirteen year old girl.”

“He wasn’t going to fucking knife her up.” Abby snapped, taking a threatening step towards you. “He was trying to save everyone.”

“There was no grounds for the studies.” You told her, taking a step back. “I’ve read them. I read every single page of what he had written. It was more than likely going to be a learning curve. He wrote that himself!”

“Joel Miller shot my father in cold blood.” Abby spoke through gritted teeth and you huffed a sigh, sick of the same rhetoric.

“Joel Miller shot the man threatening his little girls life. He felt that same rage you feel now. That little girl was obviously his world and your father was willing to take that from him.” You told her, stepping back again slowly. She was inching towards you. “I know why your dad was doing that. He was a good man Abby. But Ellie was just a child. She didn’t even know what they would have to do to her to get a chance of a chance at a cure.”

“I would’ve done it.” She told you and you saw your opening, grabbing at it with both hands when her shoulders sagged.

“I would have too. But I would never have let my child do it.” You told her softly and she relaxed her jaw before clenching it again. “If it was Owen or Mel or Manny, would you let someone unknowingly kill them?”

“We would’ve-” you held a hand up to Manny, silencing him.

“Would you let them do it to your father?” You knew Manny’s father was a sore spot for him and he fell silent again. “Joel did his duty as a father to Ellie. You heard Marlene’s tapes. You know what he felt for that girl, what he had lost before. He couldn’t do it again Abby and no one should’ve asked him to.”

“It would’ve saved the world!” Abby yelled, arms out wide. You winced and stepped back again. She was a formidable force to be reckoned with and you knew your odds were low if you even tried.

“It might have. It might have just been a dead thirteen year old on your father’s hands and a guilt he would’ve never absolved.” You told her and you didn’t even have time to throw up your hands to protect yourself. She closed the distance in two steps and threw a punch.

You took the hit, head snapping back. Owen stepped in at that point and you held a hand up to your throbbing cheek bone. “She’s not wrong, Abby. You know I loved your old man. But she’s got a point.”

You could feel the swelling starting, your vision blurry from the eye that took the hit. You couldn’t brush off the tears but it was more from the shock of the impact than the pain. “I would want to kill him too. I would want him to suffer for every moment I had to grieve. But you can’t do to Ellie what he did to you. He had a damn good reason.”

“It doesn’t make it hurt any less.” Mel stood, coming to Abby’s side. “We know that Abby. Knowing why he did it might make it hurt all the more. But this is the wrong path to take on. Vigilante justice won’t fix anything.”

“It’ll fix me. There’s a giant gaping wound in me. This will fix it.” Abby’s voice had lost the passion. There was no anger now, just a hollow echo of it. She had lost her fight.

Mel left Abby’s side to check on your face. She pulled your hand down slowly and winced at what she found. “Can you see?”

You didn’t know if you could or not. The eye had begun to swell, your lid barely opening. There was a trickle or warmth down your cheek and Mel’s hand came away bloody.

“Killing Joel won’t heal anything in you.” Your whole jaw ached to talk and you wondered how she could do so much damage with one punch. “It will only make that wound worse. You’ll have no one left to pin the root of your grief on.”

“Come on, let’s get you out of here before she stomps on your head.” Mel sighed, gripping your elbow tightly and leading you towards the entrance to the aquarium. “Good luck explaining this to Isaac.”

“Don’t suppose I can tell him I walked into a door?” You asked, your voice tight with the pain that was setting in heavy.

“Not unless that door was shaped like a fist. I can see each individual finger.” Manny tried to lighten the mood, his voice coming from behind you. You could hear the others talking with Abby and you hoped they would find a way to keep her off the ledge.

“You’re braver than I am.” Mel muttered quietly when you were far enough away from the main group. “I thought no one would say it.”

“You’re all at fault here. She’s been letting that fester for years and you just allowed it?” You asked, wincing when your words muffled. How big were Abby’s hands? Your mouth felt swollen. “You let her focus on that so she wouldn’t focus on you and Owen. Cause you thought she’d never find him.”

“That’s not entirely fair. She drove Owen away.” Mel snapped and you would’ve rolled your eyes if you didn’t think you’d damaged one of them irreparably.

“Into your open arms.” You sighed. “She needed a support system more than ever right at the moment you all let it fall apart.”

///

There wasn’t much to be done at the infirmary back on base. The swelling would go down in a few days, you could see light through the barely there slit when your eyelids where pulled aparet by probing fingers. It meant you probably weren’t blind or permanently disfigured. You did have a headache that seemed to be entering migraine territory.

Mel guessed at concussion on top of a stable fracture to your cheek bone. You knew she was probably right but it didn’t stop you leaving the infirmary and sneaking back to your room, dodging the questions from well meaning colleagues.

You had expected the knock on the door a lot sooner. Mel had been gone on break when you ditched the ward. You thought she would’ve come looking for you right away.

You groaned and pushed yourself out of bed. Your head felt so heavy that it hung forward and took effort to straighten up again. You massaged your temple gently, mindful of the bruising. When the door opened though you flinched and stepped back. Abby was standing there with her arms crossed.

She sucked in a breath at the sight of you and retreated back a step, letting her arms fall limply to her side. You were aware of how you looked and you knew it wasn’t pretty.

Abby didn’t speak. She stared at you, starting from your feet up to your face. Watching you as if she could catalogue your injuries through observation alone. And who knows, maybe she could.

After what felt like hours of staring you blinked your one eye that opened right now at her and held the door open further. She looked from the door back to your face and shook her head, stalking back in the direction of her own room that she shared with Manny.

You stepped out into the hallway and watched her go before shrugging and returning to your room.

///

The days that followed were hell. You didn’t know pain until the following morning when you rolled over as you were waking up and lifted a hand to rub your eye.

You hissed and then winced at the stiffness in your jaw. In the bathroom your mirror told you everything you needed to know that the throbbing in your skull hadn’t told you. You looked way worse, the bruising taking over half your face. You almost swore you could see her imprinted hand like Manny had joked.

Everything hurt and every movement pulled against it. You showered and the water pressure hurt your bruises. Opening your mouth wide enough to brush your teeth made you actually cry. Pulling your hair back even managed to make the pressure in your skull build so you had left it down.

You were pretty sure chewing was out of the question and you had no doubt you were going to have to make a pitstop and beg for one of those good pain injections you knew Mel had on hand.

Isaac had taken you off duty while you were recovering and you were more than grateful for that fact, donning a hoodie and pulling the hood up to cover your face from prying eyes.

Mel wasn’t working in the infirmary that morning but Nora offered a pain injection and some calorie packs to be dissolved in water. You shoved them in your pocket and sat still when she jabbed you with the pain relief.

The canteen happened to have soup on and you grabbed a bowl to take with you, returning to your room to wallow in your own pain and misery. You wondered again how one person could have such strength in them.

Late in the evening a knock came to your door. You opened it, expecting at least one of your friends to visit. Instead it was Abby. You didn’t flinch this time but she did, looking you over again. You opened the door wider again but she only made her observations and left, stalking down the corridor out of sight.

///

The pattern of your days continued this way for the first week. Mel and Nora allowed you three pain injections but you didn’t bother taking the fourth, just accepting calorie packs and retreating to your room.

Abby visited very evening, looked you over and then left. Every evening you offered for her to come in to your room. Every evening she turned on her heel. You were kind of getting used to watching her walk away.

Not for the first time in your life did you wish she was in some way queer. What you would give to climb her like a tree. But unfortunately her only relationship had been Owen and the rare times she had slept with anyone since it was always a man.

Not for lack of women trying. She had shot them all down stating she was in fact straight. It had probably caused more of the antagonism between you both as a means to keep yourself from getting hurt.

On the tenth day your eye was able to open all the way again. You didn’t seem to have any damage to your vision which was a lot more than you had expected if you were being truthful.

The swelling was going down in your face. It still hurt a little to chew and you hadn’t been speaking all that much but you’d soon be fit to return to work.

That evening you waited when Abby knocked instead of answering the door right away. She shifted for a minute, stepping closer to the door and further away again before knocking a second time.

You opened the door but turned away before she could look at you, returning to your bed and pressing play on the movie you had put in just before she arrived. “If you’re coming to have your nightly stare then you better come in and do it.”

Your voice was more of a croak and you had to clear your throat twice to get the words out. It was just from a lack of use because opening your mouth still hurt.

Abby lingered outside your door for a few seconds before she stepped over the threshold and shut the door behind her. There was no light on in the room but you knew the tv was bright enough to show her what she wanted to see.

“Looks better.” She spoke for the first time since you had left her in that aquarium. You hadn’t expected her to but it made for a nice change.

“It is better. No lasting damage to my eye, the headaches are gone and I can open my mouth again.” You didn’t tell her it hurt to open your mouth. She didn’t need to know that. “Just need to be careful with pressure or impact to my cheekbone. It’s a stable fracture right now but any further damage will need surgery.”

Abby flinched in the darkness, almost standing by your bed now. You didn’t look at her, not directly. She hesitated, hand reaching out and dropping back again. “I’m-”

“You can put the clothes on my desk and bring the chair over. Manny sent this movie up for me to watch. He knows I’ve always liked these movies.” You huff and hold the box out to Abby who took it from you. It’s one of those movies that leave you with more questions than answers. You have to ask the older people in the compound about certain elements of the movie and get them explained to you.

Wild Child came out in 2008, a whole five years before the outbreak happened. Watching how teenagers experienced lives back then gave you an understanding of what had been lost.

Abby sets the movie box down and moves to lift the pile of clothes from the chair and place them on your desk as instructed. The opening scene of the movie begins and you focus on it.

///

You woke alone the clothes back in a pile on your chair and the television switched off. An extra blanket had been placed over you and you didn’t have to ask why with the temperature of the room. Winter had landed in Seattle.

Your bruises were fading, mostly just the point of impact a weird shade just off your usual skin tone. The swelling had also receded and while opening and closing your mouth caused stiffness, it didn’t really hurt that much.

Nora’s probing fingers still made you wince in the infirmary, indicating the fracture wasn’t healed enough to let you back on active duty. Something she reiterated to Isaac who ordered you take a few more days. You didn’t argue with him even though you wanted to. You knew better than that.

That night you and Abbey watched Pitch Perfect. Another movie that left you with many questions. You had a fascination with high school and college. You would’ve been facing all of it right now had nothing happened.

Right as the movie ended Abby whispered your name. You pretended not to hear her, letting your eyes fall shut to see what she would do. She eased herself from the chair quietly and moved it back to its place. The weight of a second blanket landed over you again.

Most surprising was the delicate stroke of her finger over the point of impact her fist had made almost two weeks beforehand. “I’m sorry.”

You hadn’t let her say it. Interrupting her each time. Neither of you talked besides you telling Abby what the movie would be called. And her aborted attempt to apologize each time.

///

“Boo fucking yah, baby. Back and better than ever.” You swung yourself up onto the bed of the truck and slapped your hand down on Manny’s shoulder. “Get the fuck out of my seat, big man.”

Manny grunted but shifted over to the passenger side. Owen and Nora hauled themselves up onto the bed of the truck, Alice taking her place at their feet. “How are you feeling?”

“Nora, thanks to your excellent care I am a new woman.” You pumped your fist before revving your engine and tearing out of the compound as fast as you could with shouts of complaints from the others. “I’m so fucking excited to be outside that I think I’m actually high off fresh air.”

“You’re fucking crazy, is what you are.” Manny laughed from the passenger seat as you raised a gear and hit the road, swerving around abandoned vehicles. “You know people used to just drive all over the country and call them road trips? They’d just drive all day. For fun.”

“None of them ever drive with you. Nothing fun about it.” Owen called and you rolled your eyes at his withdrawn tone. You didn’t like Owen all that much. Mostly cause he had what you had wanted and had given it all up. For Mel. A downgrade if you were being honest.

“Shut up, Owen. She’s enjoying freedom and still having sight in both eyes.” Manny cheered and you pumped your fist again. “Both hands on the wheel!”

The patrol had been successful, scouting warehouses further out of the territory the WLF owned. There was great rewards in an old movie rental place and you even got to take down two runners.

When you returned the keys to the truck and your weapons you found Abby waiting at the door to the canteen, arms crossed. She barely spoke to Owen or Nora, slapping her palm to Manny’s when he held his out. She gave you the typical once over you had grown so used to.

There was no longer evidence of your injury. Your cheekbone had healed, you were as loud as ever and yet Abby still visited your room every night to check on you.

“I didn’t know Isaac approved your return to active duty yet.” It was the most she had said to you in a month and you froze in place like a scolded child.

“Last minute decision he made this morning. The others needed an extra set of hands and Nora signed me off two days ago.” You weren’t sure why you were explaining yourself. Or why you were so nervous when Abby stepped closer to you. You didn’t retreat though, not this time.

“How did it go?” She asked quietly, another step in your direction. You swallowed your nerves when she entered your personal space, the tip of her boots barely a hair’s breadth from yours. “See any scars or infected?”

“Um, a few runners. Nothing major.” You told her and she smiled blandly, her hand raising to your face. You flinched minutely and she froze but you moved closer, granting her permission to touch you. Her thumb soothed the barely these scar from where the impact of the very hand that she was being so gentle with right now had split your flesh that day.

“What’s on the watch list tonight?” She asked softly. You were too lost in the caress of her thumb to answer her and she chuckled, letting her hand fall. “You hear me?”

“Sorry, what?” You blinked at her and she laughed again, lowly so that only you would hear it. She took a step back and you snapped back to the present instead of floating above your body. “Oh, uh. I found the fourth Harry Potter movie. So now we’ve the full set and can watch them.”

“Eight movies to watch.” She hummed and you nodded. “That’s a lot of time spent together.”

“Mhmm.” You nodded and she laughed at how distracted you clearly were.

“I’ll see you later then.”

///

You knew how it looked. It looked bad. It looked desperate. It looked like you were the unluckiest bastard on this earth. It looked like you were an idiot.

A knock sounded at the door.

It looked like you were out of time.

Abby let herself into your room while you stood frozen with your back to her. You heard the steps she took and then how she paused a little away from you. Your shoulders tensed and she took another step closer.

“If you wanted me in your bed that bad you only had to ask.” She laughed quietly and your shoulders relaxed. The broken chair no longer an omen of all things bad. You had been standing on it while changing a lightbulb and the leg had given up.

The chair had been old when you had gotten it. That had been years ago. You weren’t surprised just more annoyed at the timing. “I was changing a lightbulb.”

“Is that right? You get it changed?” Abby asked as you turned to face her. Your breath hitched. It hadn’t been warm in months in Seattle. Especially not on base in the concrete rooms without insulation.

But there Abby was in a tank top and sweatpants like it was the middle of summer. You wanted the ground to open and swallow you now because you knew you’d embarrass yourself.

Her shoulders and arms were bared to you, the muscle definition making you feel physically faint. You wanted her to pick you up and toss you around. You were half tempted to piss her off enough that she’d punch you again.

“Well, did you?” You blinked at Abby for several long seconds before realizing she had asked a question. One you hadn’t heard because you were too busy wondering if there was a position that would let you grind on her bicep.

“Did I what?” You asked her, shaking your head. She looked up to the lightbulb and back to your hand. It was an empty socket and you had two bulbs in your hand. She held her hand out to you.

“Give it here.” You handed the new bulb over and she reached up, just barely stretching herself and slotted the bulb in. You reached out for the switch and grinned when the light came on just to turn it back off. It was too bright for movie night.

“You’re handy to have around, you know that?” You asked her with a smile and she laughed at you. You kicked the broken chair out of the way and crawled into the inner corner of your bed.

“I’ve got plenty more skills where that came from.” She assured you while you arranged the pillows. When you turned to look at her strained voice you found her staring at you. Or well, your ass.

You pursed your lips and tucked yourself into the corner of your bed, hitting play on the tv. Abby only hesitated for a moment before sitting down on the bed and kicking her shoes off.

She leaned back against the headboard of your bed, one long leg stretched in front of her, the other bent at the knee. Her muscle definition was apparent through her sweatpants and you wanted to ride her thigh so bad you had to bite your lip to keep yourself from saying it.

This pattern continued for the length of the eight days it took to watch Harry Potter. She sat the same way each night and each night you watched her thigh and her arm closest to you more than you watched the movie.

As per tradition at this point, Abby would say your name at the end of the movie and then usually tuck you in except this time she didn’t say anything when the credits rolled and you realized she was asleep.

You wanted to wake her, let her go back to her room. But she was fast asleep and she had slid most the way down the bed that she wasn’t going to hurt herself to sleep in that position. You turned the movie off and turned your back to her and let her sleep.

///

Warm. It was so fucking warm. Your body was melting, you were almost sure of it. You blinked your eyes open and groaned quietly. Was the compound on fire or something? What was with the heat?

Your body froze at the huff of breath against your neck. Abby surrounded you right now and you could feel her all over. She had managed to spoon you during the night, your head pillowed on her bicep, her other hand wrapped around your waist. Her big hand rested on your sternum, right between your breasts and you couldn’t help the pulse of arousal.

Her face was tucked up against your neck and her steady breathing let you know she hadn’t woken yet. So you did the cowardly thing and relaxed back into her hold, letting yourself enjoy it.

You drifted off to sleep again apparently because when you woke Abby was shifting around behind you but hadn’t actually moved away yet. “What time ‘s it?”

Abby froze when you spoke but you felt her twist to look at your clock. “Uh, early. Almost eight.”

“Got anywhere to be?” You asked, your hand moving to stop the slow retreat of her arm around your waist. She froze again and you waited for her to make a decision.

“Not until twelve. I’m headed out with Owen and Nora.” She was whispering right in your ear and you couldn’t help the shiver.

“Mm, you’re heading out with me, Owen and Mel.” You corrected her, shuffling back into her hold. “It’ll be fun, me and the love triangle that hates me.”

“Hates you? Does it look like I hate you?” Abby asked and you hummed, shrugging your shoulders. “I don’t hate you.”

“Then go back to sleep, Abs.” You huffed and she laughed against your neck, tightening her arms around you.

///

“Owen, get out of my passenger seat right the fuck now.” You pulled yourself up onto the bed of the truck and Owen looked panicked. Mel shared his look and you stared between them. “What?”

“Abby is coming with us.” Mel told you quietly like it was a secret. “We weren’t aware that you were driving.”

“I know Abby is coming?” You looked between them, confused. “That’s why I want Owen out of the passenger seat.”

Abby arrived on the scene and pulled herself up, looking between all three of you. “Am I interrupting something here?”

“We didn’t know you two had been cleared to work together.” Mel spoke up against the silence and you laughed. “She shattered your cheek bone, it’s a viable worry.”

“Firstly, it was a stable fracture. It’s all healed up and I’m not saying I deserved it but we all know why I got it.” You slotted yourself into the drivers seat. “Besides, Abby apologized.”

“Apologized?” Mel asked, dubious. Owen moved from the passenger seat, his eyes narrowed between you both as Abby took his place.

“That thing that neither of you ever did after screwing around behind my back?” Abby asked and the truck fell silent. You bit your lip to hide your smile before starting your engine.

Mel and Owen took their seats quickly and you tore out of the compound with a whoop and an accompanied bark from Shadow.

The patrol stayed quiet, moving from building to building in silence. It was driving you up the wall. You kept Shadow with you, moving around each room, checking for anything that might be of use.

“Think they might hate me as much as they hate you now?” You didn’t jump when Abby spoke but you did have to fight the urge. You turned from where you were rifling through a cabinet to find her leaning on the door frame. She took up the whole door way and you salivated just a little.

“Nope. Because you only repeated what I already called them out on.” You told her, returning to your cabinet which just seemed to hold old office supplies.

“You called them out on sneaking around behind my back?” Abby asked. You could hear her walking closer as you tossed decaying reams of paper out of your way.

“Mhmm.” You hummed, stuffing some markers in your bag. There were still in the packaging so you had high hopes they hadn’t dried out yet. She stopped behind you, you could feel her body heat.

“Why would you do that?” She asked and you shrugged, shuffling sideways to the next cabinet, she followed you. “When did you do it?”

“Like five minutes after you broke my face.” You shrugged and found bags of rubber bands that had all eroded with age. You tossed them all aside before standing up. You still didn’t turn around but you knew Abby was close behind you. She pressed closer when you were straightened up.

“Why would you come to my defense right after I had hurt you?” She asked, her large hands coming to rest either side of yours on the counter top. She was flush against you, her size difference almost overwhelming.

“Because no one ever seemed to come to your defense.” You told her honestly and you felt her huff a laugh against your hair. One of her arms wrapped around your middle, pulling you back tight against her. “I figured someone should.”

“Thank you.” You knew you probably weren’t imagining the barely there kiss to the crown of your head but a low growl from Shadow had you both spring apart.

“There’s something in here with us.” Abby muttered, loading her gun. You copied her actions and backed away from the door, maneuvering to the left of it while Abby took the right so you could both see either angle.

Whilst you and Abby had never gotten on, you were flawless patrol partners and it was evident in how you both worked, taking out two runners and a clicker with enough time for you to be sitting on a table, legs swinging and Abby to be thumbing through a magazine so weathered she couldn’t possibly be reading it.

That was how Owen and Mel found you both and they shared a look between themselves at both of your casual displays and the pile of infected between you both.

“Everything okay?” Owen asked cautiously. You looked up at him and smiled, hopping off the table. “Any injuries?”

“Nope. I got one runner and Abby got the other two.” A fact she was annoyingly proud of and you were irrationally bothered by. “You did good, Abs. I might let you be the little spoon tonight.”

Everyone in the room froze but you and Shadow who followed you out past a frozen Mel and Owen toward the truck. Soon the other three followed you, Abby slipping into your passengers seat. She was fighting a smile so you knew you weren’t in trouble with her.

///

You had gotten so used to Abby letting herself in that you had kind of forgotten that she did it. So when you stepped out of the bathroom with just a towel on and found her sitting on your bed, you didn’t really know what to do.

She gave you the usual once over before smiling at you. It wasn’t a nice smile. It was mean. Something that made your stomach fill with nerves and a wet pulse start up between your legs.

She was sitting on your bed, both legs stretched out in front of her. She patted a hand to her lap and you stared at her, incredulous. “Come on sweetheart, we both know you want this.”

You moved towards her hesitantly and paused a few steps from the bed. “You came early.”

“I did. I was hoping to talk about that little spoon comment but right now I don’t care. Sit on my lap.” It wasn’t much of a question, not the way she phrased it. You swallowed roughly again, looking back to the bathroom.

Abby wouldn’t hurt you. She also wouldn’t judge you if you wanted to retreat right now. You knew both of those things to be fact. The truth was that you didn’t want to retreat. She knew that.

It was an awkward shuffle getting onto her lap but that’s where she took over, maneuvering you so that you were straddling one thigh, one hand on her shoulder for balance and the other holding your towel together. “You don’t think I know that you’re watching me all the damn time?”

“I thought, I didn’t think you were into women.” You told her, suddenly shy in the face of this abrasive, domineering Abby. She only huffed a laugh and shook her head.

“I’m not. Never have been.” She told you and you froze in place, unsure where this was going. She bent her knee, her thigh tensing and you couldn’t help the moan, falling forward so your face was in the curve where her neck met her shoulder. “I’m sure as fuck into you though. I don’t know what it means but I know what I want to do about it.”

“Abby.” You whispered and her hands landed on your hips, pushing and pulling you into a slow grind against her thigh. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly it. I’m gonna fuck you.” She promised. When your hips had taken the rhythm she found acceptable her hands began to move. One travelled up the length of your back, up your neck, to cup the back of your head, holding you in place against her. The other tugged your towel free. “Gonna let you hump my thigh first like a bitch in heat. Then I’m gonna get my fingers into you, see how tight your little hole is.”

You whined against her neck, the friction of her sweatpants and the heat of her words had you burning up. “Please.”

“Yeah, you’ll beg me so pretty. Cause once you come on my fingers I’m getting down there to taste you. Cause I know you’ll be the best fucking meal I’ll ever have.” She groaned in your ear and your hands travelled to her biceps, your nails digging in. “And once I’ve done all of that? I’m gonna fuck you with my strap.”

“You, where’d you?” You were barely able to get your thoughts together enough to ask her about the strap. “Why?”

“Just cause I wasn’t fucking women doesn’t mean I wasn’t fucking anyone.” Your head tipped back when your breathing sped up. You lost the rhythm on her thigh just bucking against her as your orgasm washed over you. Abby leaned forward and the harsh bite of her teeth made you scream. “Not over yet, Sweet Girl. Just getting started.”

///

“Abby, Abby, Abby.” Every stroke of her cock had you chanting her name. She had you on all fours, her large hands on your hips and pulling you back on her forcefully. You weren’t sure if you knew words other than her name and please. She had fucked it all out of you.

One hand slid from your hip up your front and with a hand around your neck she pulled you up so your back was flush against her chest. Her grip on your neck was loose but you felt your breathing hitch. “Oh you like that.”

Her hand tightened around your neck and you gave in entirely, your orgasm washing over you and your mouth falling open in ecstasy as Abby wrung every last drop of pleasure from your body.

She pushed against you, friction from the strap driving her towards her own orgasm as she humped against you desperately. She some how managed to control the fall after coming so that you were both on your side.

“Thought you wanted to be the little spoon this time?” You asked her breathlessly and she huffed a laugh from behind you.

“Thought I fucked that attitude out of you.”

[djnusagi]

when I was 12 I learned what trans people were, and it was immediately obvious to me that I was one. not only did I now have a name for the unbearable pain I’d been dealing with for years at that point (gender dysphoria) but I had a possible cure for it (transitioning). I was already speaking to my school counselor regularly, as I was a very obviously autistic child who was prone to frequent bouts of uncontrolled crying and emotional breakdowns. I told her I was trans, and she was immediately accepting, but with some caveats.

it was great that I was trans! she wanted to help me in any way she could. BUT, she frequently told me about her son, a gay cis man who wore women’s clothing basically all the time. he loved being gay and a man but also wearing dresses and makeup. and sure it was GREAT that I was trans, but it would also be great-and in fact EVEN BETTER if I was just a cis male who crossdresses all the time like her son. this had 0 appeal to me. my problem was gender dysphoria, not clothes, and my dysphoria was caused primarily by my social role amongst my peers and my ever changing body. I wanted hormone blockers. I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to transition. I didn’t want to “crossdress”.

she helped me plan what I’d say when I came out to my parents which ultimately didn’t matter. they were mostly just angry and confused. my mom immediately asked if I liked boys or girls. I said “both I think” and she almost fainted.

after the initial shock she got fixated on a possible alternative. maybe I was just a really girly cis boy. maybe we could compromise. I could wear all the dresses I wanted in exchange for never transitioning. she’d be willing to deal with that. I said no. I had next to no interest in wearing dresses. I wanted blockers and then hormones and I wanted to live my life as a (probably somewhat tomboyish) girl. but she insisted up and down for years it’d be better for me to just be a male cross dresser. in fact, that was the more “enlightened” choice. that transitioning was regressive if you really thought about it. and cis male girlyboy crossdressing was the more “progressive” way to be. she wouldn’t stop pushing that. and it never fixed my gender dysphoria. she is now a terf.

since the very moment I came out as trans to anyone I had people telling me it would be better if I was just a cis male crossdresser. and in the 12 years since I have not stopped hearing that line.

[leviathanleva]

Daisy

Pairing: Cooper Howard/The Ghoul x Fem Reader [DARK FIC]

Description: Cooper Howard was not a kind man, he cared for nobody, but himself. Then he found you, a lost little dove, barefoot and crying, torn dress and big innocent eyes staring at him like he was a hero. He knew you’d be a burden, he knew you couldn’t survive in the wasteland, he was doing you a favor.

But he couldn’t pull the fucking trigger...

........................

[4k words]

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Chapter 1 "The Savior"

Since the day you were born, there was something horribly wrong with you.

You had no immune system, your skin was paper-thin, you couldn’t exercise without collapsing, and every nerve in your body was in constant pain. There was no use for you aside from being a measly archive keeper and book transcriber. Your father was a weak man, despite your disabilities and how costly it was for the rest of your Vault, he kept you alive, consumed by the idea of finally finding a cure for his little girl.

Every single moment since your birth, you had spent in this squeaky clean, insanity-inducing, paper-ridden medical room. Everything was plagued by the stench of medicine and spirit, disinfected down to the core. The floor and walls and even the ceiling were covered in a leather cushioned layer to prevent any injuries, sparkling white, of course. Who needed color when the stench of new paint might cause you a migraine?

In honesty, you’d give away half of your miserable life just to see color outside of the packaged book covers stacked neatly on the floor. You built a makeshift city out of them, following the pictures drawn in an old magazine you’d read ages ago and kept hidden under your pillow. With time, you learned how to make paper flowers out of some stray files that nobody would miss. You had to find some solace, something to keep you from crying your delicate heart out every night because this was no way for anyone to live.

You weren’t just isolated from the world above, but from everything, only getting glimpses of the bright metal vault corridor and bustling dwellers whenever your father would open that wretched vacuum-sealed door to give you medicine. You knew people’s names and faces, everyone in your vault was memorized to the letter, but you’d never met them and probably never would.

You were never given your own Pip-boy, never assigned as a potential marriage candidate, and you’d never have children or any family once your parents passed away. A small part of you knew that you wouldn’t even outlive them, frail and genetically inferior as you were. You’d die within the next few years and you’d take the burden of your existence off the shoulders of everyone who worked tirelessly to find a solution to your illness.

You waited for that day with hope, dreaming of the end of the torture and solitude.

You had pleaded with your father that night with angry tears in your eyes to at least bring you coloring pencils or crayons or a radio to chat with the rest of the residents and make friends. But, as usual, he had refused gently while rocking you in his arms, cooing at you with a regretful tone and pain carving deep wrinkles in his features. Then he’d smiled at you, melting away your worry and frustration and misery, and he’d kissed your forehead tenderly. He still treated you like a little girl and to him, you’d always be one. He wiped your tears away and hope shone in his eyes, they looked exactly like yours, that was the only thing you’d taken from him. Everything else was a gift from your mother and you often looked in the mirror just to remember what she resembled.

She’d stopped visiting a long time ago, months, maybe even years, you weren’t sure. The passing of time was a fickle matter when you were caged in a cushioned prison every single day.

Your father hummed softly, lulling you while he gently tucked you into the nursing bed and secured the oxygen mask over your mouth. He was your angel, your only salvation, your only source of conversation and comfort and interaction and love. He adjusted the catheter back into your vein before fluffing up your pillow.

“This might be it, Sweetheart.” he whispered while watching you doze off slowly, his gaze held such affection for you. He placed a new IV bag to drain into your arm, one you’d not seen before, but you trusted him. This was nothing new. He came up with a new medicine recipe every month, without fail. “This might just be the cure. You’ll tell me how you feel tomorrow.”

You can only sigh and give your best smile, unable to share his enthusiasm after so many failed attempts. He rubbed a thumb over your sickly-colored cheek, his skin like sandpaper against yours, worn and calloused from spending a lifetime in the vault’s field.

“Have some faith in your old man.”

“I do, dad…I’m just so tired of this…”you bite into your tongue to keep more tears from spilling, and your bottom lip trembles despite your best efforts to tame it. Watching his face falter breaks your heart and you suck it up, push your tantrum down and pout instead. “And you’re not old.”

He laughs at your whiney remark, the first laugh he’d had in a long time, and he slicks back your hair, taking note that he needed to trim it soon before it got too long. Maybe when he had the energy, he’d sit down for more than a few minutes and braid it like he used to when you were just a child.

“I know you are, Baby girl, I know.” he shushes you with the utmost care and stands. “Just a little longer and you’ll be strong enough to help your pop pick out the tatoes. Get your pretty hands all dirty and then have a big plate of spam for a job well done.” he gazed at you, masking his sorrow and bitterness at the cruelty life had forced upon you. His hand hovered over the lamp switch and he glanced one last time at the brand-new IV bag slowly emptying in your bloodstream. “Night, Sweetheart. Love you.”

Too stricken with grief over your miserable lifestyle, you didn’t return his tender words, hoping he understood and knew that you loved him just as much if not more. When the lights went out, your eyelids closed, squeezing out a few lonely tears in the darkness before you begrudgingly drifted off to sleep. A dreamless slumber when you were gently rocked through the foggy confines of your subconsciousness.

Your one wish was to see the world outside, uncaring if it were a wasteland or a paradise, ignorant of the dangers and naïve towards the people who potentially lived up there. You just wanted to be free, even if it would cost you your life, you wanted to see the sky just once, wanted to prove to yourself that no, it looked better than any picture your father had shown you. You wanted to swim in the ocean and see fishes and see a whale, a creature so big it was unfathomable to imagine, you wanted to taste the salty sea water and become sick and just be happy to be alive for once. You wanted to feel the grass beneath your feet, to touch snow and dance in the rain until you slipped and fell in a puddle only to splash in it because you’d never seen or felt any nature.

You just wanted to live…

The hours ticked by in a hazy blur as you lay lifelessly on your bed. Your room was partly sound-proof, you heard nothing of the ruckus slowly brewing beyond your medicinal prison. Sleepy soundly, you didn’t hear the slaughter, the begging and pleading voice on the brink of crying before the sickening cracks of broken bones. You didn’t hear the crazed ramblings of the raiders stalking your fellow vault dwellers like it was a game of cat and mouse. Your vault was slowly succumbing to chaos and rampage and it was only when the electricity went out and your door unlatched that you were startled awake.

You bolt up with wide eyes and in a panic, gaze averting to the door and heart skipping a beat when you realize it’s open. With a small grunt and a relieved inhale once the oxygen mask is ripped from your face and tossed on your pillow, you scramble to stand. The IV is disconnected from your arm with an expert touch, replaced by a cotton ball to obscure any heavy bleeding from the open puncture wound. Your bare feet shuffle over the soft floor, slippery against the white leather because you’d unknowingly started to sweat from anticipation.

Was this just another cruel dream?

You walked to the exit with timid footsteps before opening the door wide enough to stick your head out. An incessant voice kept repeating how disappointed your father would be if he saw you sticking your nose out and potentially catching an infection from the unsterile air. That voice was dismissed promptly, this was your first chance at seeing anything beyond the medical room and you’d rather die than miss it.

Had the power gone out? But that was impossible. The power never went out, there had always been a steady flow of electricity for as long as you could remember.

The lights flickered, most were broken, letting the eerie darkness overwhelm all corridors except for one.

“Hello?” you call out hesitantly, shaky voice hoarse with sleep and anxiety both. Looking around, you couldn’t see much, there wasn’t a soul in sight and the silence was deafening. “Dad?”

Nothing. Nothing and no one.

A hand clutched at the door to support your buckling knees and you breathed deeply, encouraging yourself to be brave, that this was your chance. After dutifully gnawing on the inside of your cheek you stepped forth into the crossroads of corridors, letting go of the door and leaving everything familiar and safe behind. Your head whirled so much your neck popped multiple times as you frantically looked around in the scarce light and as terrifying as all of this was, it was also heaven unknown. You had never seen so many things – plant pots, plants, all bright green and juicy, you’d stuck your nail in a particular one only to feel a strange gooey discharge on your finger. It was a succulent, you’d read about those somewhere, very sturdy indeed, very pretty, but had no smell. You liked them already.

The further you went, the more a nagging thought kept creeping up your spine like a chill.

Where was everybody?

You kept looking, following the corridor and under the guidance of blinking lamps. You knew the Vault like the back of your hand after spending countless hours studying its diagrams, having nothing better to do. Now you were experiencing it in person. No longer needing to strain your imagination to picture every nook and cranny, you could see it with your own eyes. The floor was so cold under your feet, but you didn’t care, too high on adrenaline and pure joy to notice such a small inconvenience. A hand glided absentmindedly against the wall, tracing over pipes and posters and glass windows until you prickled your finger on a jagged edge and winced away.

You stuck the winger in your mouth with a pained scowl and glared up, searching for the source of your misfortune.

You froze.

Blood, everywhere, oozing down the wide hole in the window and silently gushing out of the disemboweled corpse of a human being, still warm. And even through the liters of blood and the sickening feeling of nausea that had your eyes dart to the floor, you immediately noticed the dark blue suit they were wearing. A dead vault dweller tossed through the window so hard they’d broken through and gotten impaled on the glass.

A vault dweller.

Dead…

DEAD!!!

You stumbled back and wretched, stuffing your mouth in the crook of your elbow and sputtering saliva as your stomach churned with bile. You bumped into a metal cabinet in your stupor, scraping for purchase as your legs lost all function, knocking over a clock and a radio that came to life as soon as it hit the floor. The sound echoed through the Vault, like a haunting melody to the arrival of a new victim, lured out and ready for slaughter. You.

Horror. A massacre, as the light flickered your eyes feasted on more marred flesh and ripped skin and so much blood. Crimson splatter and trails of handprints were strewn over the walls, the echoes of an dire struggle which ended in vein, trails of violence were etched into the hallway. You couldn’t hold it in anymore, you threw up, clutching at your stomach as you let out the traumatizing sight the only way your body knew how. Doubled over and twitching as the shock was replaced by such a raw feeling that you nearly lost your mind.

Corpses littered the floor beyond, caked in their own entrails, skulls bashed in, unrecognizable and still and…

“Hi there, Princess.”

A chill went up your spine as you realized that the frilly white dress you wore wasn’t enough to keep you warm beyond your room. Your skin littered with goosebumps, thin hairs standing up in fear as you stiffly craned your neck and looked back to the other end of the corridor. What little color was left in your face dissipated at the sight.

A man, disfigured and disgusting, with wild hair and wilder eyes and a grin that shook you to the bone stood there. He was shirtless, showing off a large hairy belly and covered in stick-poke tattoos, one of his legs was replaced by what you made out was a metal stick of sorts. He was three times your size…and he looked at you with such perverse intent that you nearly screamed. A vile creature, not even human anymore.

“Don’t be scared, Pretty.” he leered, chapped lips and rotting teeth and a foul blackened tongue, and raised a large palm in front of him to halt you from moving. “It’s okay…Come here. Come to me.”

Instinct took over and you automatically stepped back, not daring to take your eyes off him.

“Ah, don’t do that now.” he warned sweetly and slowly began walking towards you, creeping closer every time the lights flickered off. “You’ll just make this harder for you, yeah? Come to Eddie, Sweetheart. I’ll take care of you.”

Everything about him screamed evil. He looked deranged and capable of things you’d never even begin to imagine.

A surface dweller. A survivor. A killer. A monster.

The moment his boot sunk in a pool of blood and squeaked against the floor realization hit you like a speeding truck. The grim expression should have been his sign to catch you, but you were already leaping over corpses with a blood-curdling screech. Your mind raced as you tried to orientate yourself through the corridors, bolting over shattered glass and spoiled food and so many dead bodies.

You needed to get out. Leave. Escape.

OUT!

His hollars bellowed behind you, alerting the rest of his friends because of course there were more and now they were aware of you and hunting you down like a deer in the forest. You let the tears run down your cheeks, forced the questions of your parents’ whereabouts and health because you already knew the answers, but you let them sink you’d end up like them or worse.

A horde of footsteps nipped at your bare heels and you sprinted and begged your weak little legs to go faster. Sucking in air as adrenaline pumped through your veins like poison, you jumped and ducked and whirled and assured yourself that you had the upper hand here, you knew the vault better than them. You stood a chance, you’d survive.

When the elevator came into view after you rounded a corner you nearly cried out in delirium. A roar nearly deafened you and you flinched, but your pace only increased as you pleaded and struggled not to trip over your feet. They were desperate, clawing at the air to try and reach you before it was too late. Your lungs burned with strain, your muscles felt like they’d tear any moment, but you kept pushing, high on horror and anger and a newfound zest for self-preservation

Salvation. Your only chance to live.

Your shoulder screamed in pain when you slammed against the metal walls of the elevator and thrusted your fist against the button vigorously.

“Come on. Come on. COME ON!”

“Get back here you little whore!”

“Please!” you wailed, screaming and stumbling back when a rusty axe collided with the shutting doors and made sparks fly with an ear-piercing screech. A hand flew up to cover your squinted eyes, sneering and sobbing as the raiders banged on the outside of the elevator and shot conniving curses at your crumbling form. You were slammed down on your arse by gravity as the elevator finally moved, taking you away from certain death as a slew of grim promises were expelled at you from below.

They’d find you, rip you apart, and make you wish you’d just died like the rest of your pathetic vault dwellers. You balled your eyes out, choking on spit and tears and gulping down air as your body shook violently. Clutching at your face, you stared down at your bloody feet with wide, unblinking eyes.

What was this nightmare…

When the elevator came to a halt and the doors reopened you barely managed to stand, the numbness in your limbs proving too much to handle and your upset stomach only contributing. But you had to keep moving, you had to run.

“Daddy…”

With ugly sobs and meek noises of strain and discomfort and utter distaste for your cruel fate, you tumbled towards the ajar vault entrance. Pressing down the button timidly before taking the discarded Pip-boy from the severed hand, you lock your tormentors into their grave and hurriedly tread towards the slowly closing vault exit.

The sun nearly blinds you and the hot desert sun knocks you to your knees as your hands sink to the wrists in sand. You gasp, squeezing your eyes shut before blinking rapidly and shielding your sensitive pupils from the blaring light.

It’s…barren.

A desert, stretching as far as your sight could reach, heated enough for the air to wiggle and dance in the distance, a decrepit city can be seen nestled not too far. A plethora of buildings crumbled to their bases hide away the sealed entrance to your vault, bones are scattered through the coarse sand, human shapes frozen in time, hinting towards a previous era of life on Earth, an era you’d only read about. Again, there wasn’t a soul around no matter how many times you circled your vision.

A wasteland. Painted yellow and orange and contrasting so beautifully with the clear blue sky.

You wanted to marvel and swoon and you would have given any other circumstance, but now, after everything you’d seen, after your mind had been so brutally defiled with images of slaughter, you were incapable. You stood, resisting the harsh breeze and angry sun, clad in nothing but a Pip-boy and a thin summer dress that was everything but white.

You had to walk, seek help, do…something. Anything.

And so you did. Trudging through the sea of sand and stepping hastily as the heat beneath your delicate feet nipped uncomfortably at your skin. Sweat clung to you like a protective layer, washing away any trace of the sensitive lavender shampoo you had used the previous night. Strands of hair clung to your flushed face as you fought a silent and unfair battle against the burning sunrays, one step at a time, with the wind as your only companion. Your nostrils struggled to breathe in enough air, but you didn’t dare open your mouth despite the temptation, fearing dehydration and death as it loomed over you like a shadow.

You walked for what felt like miles, accompanied by your thoughts and nothing else, until the Vault was hidden behind the golden dunes and your feet felt raw. The city was so close now, yet you were so tired, sucked dry by a heat you’d never experienced before, if it hadn’t been for your Pip-boy crackling to life you would have collapsed, too burdened and weak to continue.

You raised your wrist and looked down and were met by a familiar meter.

Radiation.

Something around you was radioactive enough for the device to pick up easily, but there was nothing but waves of yellow hell and you doubted the ground itself was emitting it. Then you heard it. That strange, high-pitched chirping, an alien sound that made your skin crawl and scraped at the back of your head tauntingly.

A scream loud enough to shatter glass ripped through your throat as a sharp sting pierced your ankle. You hit the soft sand with a whimper and rushed to turn on your back before kicking blindly at your assaultant. An ambush from below. Blood trickled from the gash, painting your skin a deep ruby red and spilling over the ground, luring out your predators like moths to a flame.

Insects, roaches too big to be real and too much for your fickle mind to comprehend crawled out of the sand. You’d fallen right into their trap, an unsuspecting victim, a banquet they’d probably not seen since they’d hatched.

Your heart pounded frantically, pulse thumping in the side of your neck as you flailed and screeched, chucking sand at them as they circled you. You wanted to run, every cell in your body fought for you to stand, but you couldn’t, you had no fight left. You’d die here, alone in this decrepit desert and eaten by giant cockroaches and this was going to be the story of your life. You sobbed so pitifully, so angry and bitter and bratty that after everything, this was to be your end. The world spun painfully fast and you wanted to vomit, but your stomach was empty and you only gagged.

With one last scream, you curled in a ball, covering your head with your arms and your legs protecting your belly, as one of the insects lunged forward.

When the gunshot rang in your ears you froze in place and time stopped. The roach flew back, slimy green entrails covering your form like a canvas. The other two hissed and you revolted at the noise, but they were shot a second later, blown to bits, dainty skittish legs twitching as the last few beats of life escaped them. The shadow of your savior dwarfed you completely, giving you respite from the cruel sun.

You roll over and sit up on your knees within a blink only to be met with the barrel of a gun too ratchet and rusted to belong to anyone but a wastelander. You recoil and blink through tear-heavy lashes before roughly adjusting your dress to try and cover your bare thighs from what you presumed was another man. The tip of the gun slid under your chin and guided your eyes up to feast upon your hero. You gulped and whimpered.

He was grotesque, like a man skinned alive and somehow survived, melted skin deformed his features and you’d bet your dinner there wasn’t a strand of hair under that worn cowboy hat. He had no nose, no eyebrows or even lashes, not a spec of hair. He grinned something awful down at you, looking at you like you were a fresh piece of meat, a delicacy among a table covered with rotten food. His stance was wide, torn dark cloth swaying dangerously in the breeze, he seemed almost aetherial in his own twisted and rugged way. You mewled softly as he turned your head from side to side with his gun, gently, mockingly, drinking you in from every angle as if you’d disappear if he so much as blinked.

Your hands clutched at the edge of your dress when he finally spoke and his voice made you inhale sharply and clench your jaw in anticipation.

“Well…Aren’t you a pretty little thing…”

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(Listen, it's 7AM and I need sleep, but this mother trucker didn't want to leave me alone so have a chapter from my hastily strewn-together upcoming story. I'll post it on AO3 and probably here if it even happens. I'll fix mistakes later, don't eat me please.)

Chapter 2 >>>

🌼 Daisy Masterlist 🌼

Masterlist

[moosesarecute]

December 13th

December masterlist

Masterlist

“We have a theory,” Nick started. Annette sat in the barn together with Nick and the potion-master Snully. “The poison had both doses of faebane and a different poison that have cause amnesia. Amnesia is memory loss.”

Annette couldn’t help how her entire body slumped down.

They had been lying to her the entire time. She had trusted them, and they had been lying. How could she have been so stupid? She should have understood that they weren’t kind. That they didn’t want what’s best for her. Tears found their way through her eyes.

Nick nodded to Snully and she left. Nick got up from his seat and carefully embraced Annette. She cried in his arms.

Who were the people she had been calling her family for these three years? Maybe she didn’t know them at all. Maybe they were evil.

They were evil, they had been poisoning her for three years.

“The best cure for amnesia is to learn about your life before the memory loss. I suggest you travel to the Night Court and try to find someone that might know you.”

Going to the Night Court? Annette stopped crying a little was she thought. She knew nothing about the Night Court. She had only seen it on the map.

“The Night Court is north in Prythian. That’s where other illyrians live. Do you know illyrians?” Annette shook her head. “Illyrians are fae like you. They have bat like wings. Illyrians are often very traditional and it’s no secret that female illyrians struggle.”

Nick wanted to send her to a court where she wouldn’t be safe? That didn’t seem right.

“The illyrians live in camps. I have heard that the camp named Windhaven is where the High Lord has most control. I suggest you travel there.”

Windhaven. The name seemed familiar, but she couldn’t recall from where. She had perhaps read about it in one of her books? If only her backpack hadn’t burned, she could have read about illyrians in her book.

“What if I don’t get my memory back? Or if I get lost or scared? I don’t think I can trust anyone else about my memory for some time.”

Annette felt like her entire world had been flipped upside down. Her family were evil. They probably weren’t her family at all, because who would hurt their family?

“You’re always welcome here, Annette. I would allow you to stay, but I’m certain that someone’s looking for you out there. Waiting.”

“You really think so?”

“Just follow your heart, my dear. Follow your heart and you’ll be okay.”

It was a cloud free sky that evening too. Annette and Nick had been planning her travel route for the entire day. She was leaving for the Night Court tomorrow.

Seeing the Winter Lights were a dream come true. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, but she wasn’t satisfied. Something was missing.

“The Winter Lights can also be seen in the Night Court. You would miss them too much.”

Annette turned to Nick as he spoke and sat down beside her. She sat down on the same spot as yesterday. She had watched the lights for an hour already. She had been thinking about everything and nothing. It was refreshing.

“Really? I think I’ll miss them anyway.”

“On the evening of Winter Solstice, the Winter Lights can be seen all over Prythian. Except for here in Winter, the Night Court is the best place to watch the lights.”

They both sat and watched the lights for a while. But Annette sat with some questions she needed to ask Nick.

“You told me to follow my heart, but how do I know if my heart is showing me the right direction?”

Nick leaned back a little and closed his eyes.

“I have always followed my heart, and it has never showed me the wrong direction. I have, however, also ignored the pull of my heart and the consequences were fatal.”

Annette reached her hand over to Nicks and held it.

“My mate and I had a big fight. He was mad and I was mad, so when he pulled on the bond, I didn’t listen. After a while, the bond broke and I knew he was gone. I have never forgiven myself.”

Annette felt shivers all over her body. She wanted to cry. The fear of losing a mating bond took over her entire body. But she didn’t have mate? Or did she?

“Do you think my chest pulling could be a mating bond?” she asked nick the second she realized it was a possibility.

“I would seem similar to one, yes.”

She had a mate.

Azriel had a good day yesterday, but today he struggled to get out of bed. He cried, a lot. And he felt awful. He missed you so much, he ended up throwing up. He was sure he looked like a mess.

He laid in his bed, but the thoughts of you laying there with him only made him feel worse. But there was nothing he could do with it. He couldn’t move without you.

His shadows had been screaming for you the entire night. It had been a while since last time they did that, and it felt so much worse than usual. His head was in a lot of pain.  

“Y/N, mate, home, please, miss, need, please”

He understood that they wouldn’t stop.

A knock on his door pulled him out of his thoughts. He didn’t answer.

“The entire corridor is filled with your shadows, Az. I know you’re in there. Can I come in?” It was Rhys.

Azriel didn’t really want to speak to anyone, but he let his shadows open the door anyway.

Rhys walked in with Nyx on his arm. Azriel immediately softened a little. Azriel loved being an uncle even if he didn’t always do the best job.

Nyx loved him either way. Mostly because of his shadows. They loved to play together.

“Hard day?” Rhys asked him, but he didn’t bother to answer. It was obvious that he had a hard day. “Nyx and I thought we would make a snowfae. Cass told me yesterday that you were keeping the traditions alive, so I thought I would ask if you wanted to join. And if you don’t want to today, we can do it tomorrow.”

Both Azriel and Rhys knew that Nyx was too little to request making a snowfae, but it didn’t matter. Rhys was doing his best to help Azriel.

He wasn’t going to let you down. He was going to do this. December was your favourite month of the year. He would do this for you.

Getting out of his bed was perhaps the hardest thing he have ever done. But doing so made you proud.

They walked out on the terrace of the House of Wind and started to roll snow. Azriel made the middle, Rhys made the bottom and Nyx just played. It didn’t take a long time, but being outside in fresh air always helped.

Azriel was going to start making the head of the snowfae, when he suddenly felt the familiar feeling of snow hitting the back of his head. However, it wasn’t as hard and painful it usually was with his brothers. This felt almost soft.

Azriel turned around and was met by Nyx holding up his small hand with the tiniest snowball in it. It was obvious that Rhys was the one throwing snow with his son’s hand, but it either way brought an honest smile to Azriel’s face.

One day at a time. One smile at a time. Suddenly his day became just a little bit lighter.

Taglist: @prettylittlewrites @hailqueenconquer @onebadassunicorn @mich0731 @tele86 @mellowmusings @anarchiii @anainkandpaper @donnadiddadog @atomictyphoonkitten @annablack @graciepies @salvatoresister1 @nastylicious @plants-w0rld

Let me know if you want to be added!

Dividers by: @issysh3ll

[underestimated-heroine]

The fact that radfems spread this post around is actually really interesting--infuriating, but interesting. Because what they've really done here is tell on themselves.

This is the shrimp guy story:

From an anonymous green text called "shrimp saved my life" [emphasis mine]:

>be depressed, suicidal xanax- addicted incel >one day I go to my /aq/fag uncle's house for some shit >he has pet shrimp, never seen anything like it before >he offers to get me some 53 KB JPG >throw them in a barely cycled tank with some shitty rock >several shrimp die >realize that I killed them with my apathy >realize I need to take responsibility for once in my life >do research, learn about water parameters and so on >eventually I have a beautiful planted tank with no more deaths >notice a female shrimp carrying eggs >haven't felt this excited about anything in almost a decade >the eggs disappear and I once again think I fucked up >a few days later I see a tiny transparent baby shrimp >l suddenly know how the shepherds felt as they gazed upon the newborn Christ >by this point I live and breathe shrimp >all my spare time is spent on shrimp research and watching shrimp videos >l spend most of the money I had saved from my last job on shrimp products >quit the Xanax to support shrimp spending >start putting effort into college in hope of getting a good job for my shrimp >grades improve, no longer facing the prospect of dropping out >relationship with parents improves since I am finally passionate about something and applying myself >l see genuine happiness in their eyes when I talk excitedly about my shrimp >for my birthday my mom makes me a shrimp cake >it even has fondant legs and little chocolate eggs >cry like a little bitch when I see it >mom hugs me and tells me she's always been proud of me >college dorm neighbours demand to see my shrimp >shit they're gonna think I'm autistic >they actually think my shrimp are really cool >they start inviting me to their social events >start interacting with girls, get told by girls for the first time in my life that I'm fun and smart >l think my shrimp would be proud of me if they knew >We're gonna make it bros. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for the animals that depend on you.

He did address his relationship with women. By finding a hobby and passion and working on himself--"touching grass"--he stepped away from the echo chamber that filled him with all this rage and convinced him women were to blame for all of his problems. As someone once wisely observed, "the cure is going offline and realizing it's just. really not that big a deal."

And that is what radfems have not done, so of course they didn't spot the quiet flashpoint of shrimp guy's personal development within his story.

Edit: it's been brought to my attention that the version of the greentext post I lifted the text from was censored by someone else. My bad for not realizing that, tbh it was done so well I thought shrimp guy had done it himself, but that's an important part of the post. I've gone back through and un-censored it. The reply which was spread around with the original post addressed the words themselves well, I think; however distasteful and fucked up the incel rabbit hole is, it doesn't diminish his growth.

[purple-babygirl]

don't call me daddy V

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x little!f!reader

Word count: 4,660

Summary : In a world where littles are openly themselves, they volunteer to help and be helped by willing caregivers. In spite of himself, Bucky finds himself stuck with one and to keep the nagging away, he has to learn how to be around her with everything that that entails.

Warnings: crying, age regression, fluff, a little angst

A/N: i would like to give credits for this part and its idea to🦊nonnie because without her ask there might've not been a fifth part to this story. Having said that, i'm thinking this should be the last part of the story because i am out of scenario your girl is empty. but anyway, please enjoy this one and have a tight hug xx💜💜

~

When they arrived back at her house, she was asleep in the passenger's seat.

Bucky didn’t want to wake her up. He knew she barely got any sleep last night because of the mean cough she was suffering from and so he carefully carried her inside without a word.

His heart kept speeding up every time he would remember what she called him after taking her shot as he slipped her feet out of her shoes and socks and tucked her in her bed.

He frankly had no idea what he would do if she was to wake up little and if he was ready to be a good daddy to her. What if he messed up again? He seemed to be a pro at that.

Luckily, when she woke up later that night, she was her big self again and didn’t seem to have any recollection of calling Bucky daddy, or if she did, she didn’t mention it.

Bucky gave her her cough syrup and the rest of the meds, helping her go back to sleep as he presumed his place on the floor by her bed.

In a way he couldn’t explain, even her coughs were more comfort than the silence at his house, and definitely more comfort than his nightmares.

It was 12 days of little sleep, a lot of crying, meds, movies and sleepovers until she was fully cured again, and even though Bucky hated that she was sick, those seemed to have been some of the best days he’s ever gotten to live since he’s come back to himself.

He got to laugh with someone, care for someone, comfort someone and enjoy the company of someone. And not just anyone; it was her.

But something was missing still.

Bucky wanted her to call him daddy. More than anything and from the bottom of his heart, he wanted to deserve that name, that role.

What Bucky had noticed in the days he’d stayed at her place was that she had no family pictures at all.

She had framed pictures of friends, of herself, of Corgi, but none of family members.

It didn’t come as a surprise because she’d mentioned it to him before, and he just knew that if he wanted to be her caregiver, her daddy, Bucky had to prove to her that he was nothing like those who’d hurt her. He had to prove himself worthy of taking care of her; set himself apart from them.

And to do that, he had to know more.

“I see no family pictures anywhere,” Bucky spoke as he helped her plant the new tulips she had in place.

“Yeah, we’re not close.” She shrugged, hand stuttering just the tiniest bit in their movements.

“Can I ask why?”

She sighed, “why?”

“I’m trying to learn from the mistakes of others.”

She laughed, “really?”

“Really.”

Oh, this wasn’t a joke?

“You know you don’t have to do that anymore, right?” She couldn’t understand why he would want to try again when the report was handed and he was let off the hook.

“I want to. I really want to.” Bucky wished his gloved hands weren’t muddy as they were so he could touch her face.

He found himself craving physical contact around her more often than not.

“You finally believe in the power of the program?” She teased, keeping her focus on the flowers she was rooting.

“No, I couldn’t care less about the institution and its programs.”

“Not even Mrs. Morrison?” She joked again.

“I’m serious, doll.”

“Why then?” She dropped the bulbs, deciding to face Bucky.

“I want it because it’s you I’ll be daddy to.”

“They never loved me for who I was.” She answered his previous question and Bucky felt a pang at his chest.

He had made her feel the same way.

He remained silent, not wanting to interrupt her in fear that she might stop.

“I always had to be a certain way, say certain things, act a certain way. Do what we say and then we’ll see if we can love you.”

Bucky might’ve been speechless, but his eyes spoke a million words, begging hers for forgiveness for his ignorant mistakes.

“That’s why it hurt so much when you showed me you didn’t accept the little version of me.”

“I’m so sorry-”

She shook her head, stopping him.

“I’ve been rejected for too long, Bucky, too many times. It took me a good while to finally believe that I was worth loving despite my quirks, ugly parts and possible mistakes. Took too long to teach myself that it didn’t matter if I cried all the time, was too clingy or too talkative; I was still lovable.” She pointed to her chest as she finished her words.

Bucky took his gloves off, pulling her in for a hug, unable to stop himself anymore. He had no words, only anger and remorse raging inside his chest.

“It takes you a while to unlearn stuff you’ve been taught your whole life by the people who were supposed to love you the most.” She whispered into his shirt.

“Doll, I’m so sorry,” Bucky whispered back.

“It’s okay.” She looked up at him, “I appreciate you, Bucky, I really do, but I don’t think I’m ready to lose everything I’ve built inside me if you decide in the middle of it that you weren’t fully ready to take on such a responsibility. I forgive you. I promise. But I don’t trust you enough to give up full control of myself and my life to you again. I’m sorry.” She pulled away from the hug, giving Bucky the option to walk away.

“Don’t be. I understand.” He remained in place.

“Are you gonna disappear now?” She wondered with a sad smile.

“No, you’re not getting rid of me so easily.” Bucky returned the smile, putting his gloves back on.

She smiled gratefully, “I don’t wanna lose you either. You’re such a great friend. And I owe you forever for taking care of me those past few days.”

“What if I prove myself to you though?” Bucky asked, dipping a tulip bulb in the soil.

“What?” She tilted her head in confusion.

“What if I show you how serious I am about this and prove myself worthy of you?”

“Bucky, you don’t have to do that. I know you have a life, responsibilities-”

“I want to do it. There’s nothing more important to me right now than this. And you.”

“If you’re doing this just because you can’t accept that you failed the program-”

“I swear on my ma’s soul, I want to do this. Because of you, doll. For you and with you.”

The words died on her tongue as she watched his sincere eyes implore hers.

“Would you give me a chance to prove myself to you? Please?”

“Okay, Bucky.” She swallowed, “one chance.”

“That’s all I need.” Bucky smiled.

She was not sick anymore and he didn’t have a reason to stick around. He also didn’t want to push her on the matter of regressing, so, respectful of her boundaries, he left.

~

After their conversation in the garden, Bucky had to go home.

His heart was heavy when he entered his empty apartment to nothing and no one. Being alone in here wasn’t something he enjoyed anymore.

It has been 2 days of intense research that Bucky has conducted on age regression and partners in little space when she texted him that night.

“Mr. Barnes, can you please come over?”

He wasn’t particularly happy about the fact that he was Mr. Barnes again, but he certainly was happy that she thought to text him when little. This was an improvement and it counted to Bucky.

“Will be right there, doll.” He texted back, running to his motorcycle.

~

Bucky took in a deep breath before knocking at her door, ready to prove himself a suitable daddy.

She opened with teary eyes, making Bucky’s heart sink.

“What’s wrong, doll?” Bucky asked as he stepped inside.

“I can’t open the pickle jar and now my hands hurt,” she cried, showing him the insides of her palms and how red they were from trying so hard to twist the cap on the glass jar.

She was indeed a little worried that Bucky might find this stupid, that he might yell at her or get upset because she was crying over something minimal in his eyes.

But that wasn’t the case at all. The man was just thankful that she was alright.

“Oh, doll,” Bucky sighed in relief, glad that she wasn’t actually hurt.

Until he remembered that this was a big deal to her. Her hands hurt and she was frustrated because the cap wouldn’t budge.

Moments like these definitely required a daddy.

“I thought Mr. Barnes could help,” she sniffled, her hand wiping under her nose, “metal arm.” She touched his gloved hand.

Bucky chuckled, taking the pickle jar out of her hand, “what if I can do it without the metal arm? What would you give me in return?”

“The biggest pickle?” She offered, wiping her tears away from her eyes, her crying stopping at once.

Bucky laughed at her innocence, “no, I want something else, doll.”

She tilted her head expectantly.

What could Mr. Barnes possibly want? Did he want the whole jar? Would he at least leave her one pickle? She was craving pickles-

“I want you to start calling me Bucky again. No more Mr. Barnes. Can you do that for me, doll?”

Oh, that was something she could do.

“Only if you can open the jar with your not metal hand,” she challenged, her little mind amazed by the idea because look at her hand! It had red marks all over when she tried opening that jar.

“You got it,” Bucky said, easily twisting the cap on the jar open, making her mouth open with it.

“Woah,” she whispered as Bucky handed her the jar with a laugh.

“You’re welcome, doll.” He smiled, watching her chew on a crunchy pickle.

“Thank you, Bucky.” She smiled back, offering him a big pickle.

Bucky’s nerves tingled, knowing he was one step closer to her and his desired title.

~

Moving forward, Bucky learned to distinguish between her big self and little self through texts.

Her little self would always talk about him and herself in third person.

Plus, her big self always needed help with bigger things like needing Bucky to fix her sink or look at her car, knowing he might burn down the city if she went back to asking Adam for help with those things.

Her little self, on the other hand, would need help with the lighter things, the sweeter things. She would call asking for help with Corgi, something too high on a shelf or even just wanting Bucky’s company.

Tonight was one of those nights.

It was thundering more than usual and Bucky had wanted to go and be with her, but he didn’t want to invade her privacy.

But then she called and her scared voice saying his name had Bucky moving even before she uttered the words.

He was proud that she now knew that he was just only one call away; that he would come running whenever she needed. She could finally count on him to be there for her and he couldn’t be more contented.

He knew that consistency was important in relationships, especially one where she was little.

“Hey, doll, it’s okay. It’s just a little thunder,” Bucky cooed, rubbing her back as she let him inside.

“I’m not scared anymore now that Bucky is here.” She smiled, her breathing visibly slowing down.

“Well, I’m staying the night so you have nothing to worry about,” he chuckled, following her to the bedroom.

“Bucky covered his motorcycle?” she asked, worried his vehicle would get ruined.

“Leave that for now, we’ll hose it down together tomorrow when it’s sunny.”

“Corgi loves the hose,” she spoke out the first thought that came to her mind and Bucky loved it, laughing heartily at her comment.

The dog’s ears perked at the sound of his name, jumping at Bucky’s feet as soon as he entered the bedroom, waiting for his share of pets.

He bent down to give the dog some love when he heard her sigh.

“Corgi loves Bucky too.” She smiled shyly, internally wishing her name was Corgi.

“Bucky loves Corgi right back,” Bucky whispered, leaning in to kiss her forehead.

She only smiled bigger, running to her bed and getting under the covers.

When Bucky got down to sleep on the floor that night, however, she slipped off her bed and right next to him.

“Doll, the floor is too cold for you. Sleep on your bed, come on.” Bucky sat up, wanting to help her up on the bed again but she wouldn’t move.

“Wanna be next to Bucky,” she said with a pout.

“But-”

“I know Bucky can’t sleep on beds. It’s okay. Doll will sleep here,” she told him, squeezing Wolfie in her arms.

Bucky’s heart fluttered and it made his mind light up with an idea only a true daddy would have.

“Do you wanna build a fort?” He suggested and her face instantly beamed with a smile as she nodded.

Of course she did!

That night as Bucky gathered all of her soft blankets to make her a floor mattress inside a fort full of fluffy pillows, he knew he was smitten.

This girl had him head over heels for her and there was nothing in the world that he wouldn’t do just to see her smile.

“Can Bucky please tell me a story?”

“Sure, doll. Do you have any books I can read to you from?”

“I have books that big me likes but I don’t want those.”

“What would you like then?”

“I want a story that is Bucky’s. Tell me a story you didn’t tell anyone at the institution.”

Oh, she was jealous. The thought made Bucky smile as he pulled the covers up to her neck to make sure she was warm down on the floor.

“Okay, you ready?” Bucky asked, dimming the lights in her room.

She made herself comfortable under the covers, big eyes watching Bucky’s handsome grin as the cozy atmosphere he’s created comforted her through the storm, “ready.”

“Once upon a time, there was a small idiot who picked up fights with boys much bigger than himself. His name was Steve…”

Bucky fell asleep with his hand stroking her hair, watching her soft breaths leave her chest that night without abruptly waking up in the middle of it for the first time in forever.

~

Bucky didn’t know what it was like to be her, but he was going to do his best to put himself in her shoes like she’d previously tried.

She deserved to be fully and entirely understood.

He witnessed a glimpse of her feelings towards the concept of family a couple of times when they would watch movies like The Lion King or Lilo and Stitch.

She didn’t seem to be affected by the death of Mufasa even though he knew her to be a very sensitive little. She was sad for Simba, of course, but not for Mufasa’s demise. Similarly with Lilo and Stitch, she didn’t care much about the concept of the family.

There was an actual barrier separating her from experiencing any positive feelings that came with the idea of family. Because she had none to associate with hers.

With some more research, Bucky managed to find a few animated movies that didn’t seem to revolve around the idea of family love and how family was everything and whatnot.

One of those movies was The Willoughbys. The movie depicted how neglecting some parents can be and that 2 people loving each other and getting married didn’t necessarily mean they would love their children too.

It was a very unique movie and Bucky was actually happy they could make such movies nowadays.

When the song I Choose You started playing in the movie, Bucky felt her small hand squeezing into a fist.

He silently wrapped his hand around hers, offering quiet comfort and support.

“Bucky chooses you, doll. Wholeheartedly.” Bucky reassured, bringing her knuckles to his lips.

He looked down to see tears in her innocent eyes as she showed her feelings for the first time during one of their movie nights.

“Bucky chooses me?” she croaked, lip trembling as she cried.

“I choose Bucky, too.” She pulled him down by one cheek to leave a kiss on the other.

Bucky froze.

It was the first time she’s kissed him since he applied that cream on her burnt hand back at his house. She did it on her own, too.

“And I choose Corgi,” she said, running her fingers through the hair of the puppy sleeping soundly on her lap.

“That’s right, and Corgi chooses you. Family doesn’t have to be the ones you were born with, doll,” Bucky told her as he wiped her tears away, “you can choose the family you want for yourself”.

“Thank you, Bucky.” She hugged him tight, afraid he might not be real and that this moment is all made up.

“You’re welcome, doll.” Bucky kissed the side of her head as they pulled away.

“Can I choose Adam, too?” She asked, voice barely above a whisper as she gauged Bucky’s reaction.

She could actually hear his chest rumble with a low “argh” before he nodded despite himself, making her giggle.

“Don’t worry. I only have one Bucky.” She reassured, slinging her arm around Bucky’s metal one.

One daddy, she wanted to say, but she couldn’t. She was still scared.

~

Bucky knew that she needed her own independent time alone sometimes even when little, and he would allow her just that, texting throughout the day just to make sure she was okay, reminding her to drink water and take care of herself.

But there was one particularly hard weekend when she felt real down about some of her plants dying as the storm took them out of the ground.

When she opened the door she was clearly disheveled, hair all messy and looking like it hadn’t been brushed all week.

“Hey, doll,” Bucky spoke gently as he closed the door behind him.

She quickly ran into his arms, needing the comfort more than anything, “my plants are dead and Corgi peed on my new carpet and my hair doesn’t smell like shampoo anymore and I’m-”

Damn. She was spiraling. She just slipped out of his hug and on the floor. Oh no.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here now and I got you, okay?” Bucky tried his best to reassure her, getting on his knees before her to look into her eyes.

“Okay,” she hiccupped, nodding even though she wasn’t fully convinced.

“What happened to the plants?” Bucky wanted to handle her concerns one at a time.

“My apple trees were pulled out of place because of the storm,” she started sobbing again as she remembered what had happened to her hard word.

“Okay, okay, tell you what, I’ll put them back in place, okay?”

“Really?” She sniffed.

“Really.” Bucky smiled kindly.

“Okay.” She nodded, trying to control her breathing.

“And we’ll throw the new carpet in the washing machine, and keep Corgi in his playpen with pee pads,” Bucky gave her the steps of how the day was going to go, leading her by the hand to where Corgi was.

“Okay.” She nodded again, her tears ceasing.

“And while the carpet is being washed, I’ll help you wash your hair. Does that sound okay?” Bucky asked her permission, wanting to make sure she was completely comfortable.

“Yes.” She was finally smiling again as well.

“Okay, let’s get you in here,” Bucky told the puppy before placing him inside his playpen.

He spread a few sheets on which the dog could pee if needed before collecting the affected mat.

“Let’s take this to the washing machine,” Bucky voiced his movements, wanting to put her at ease as he kept her hand in his and walked with her to the bathroom.

“In you go.” Bucky threw the rug inside the washing machine along with some detergent.

“Now what do we do?” He asked her, wanting to keep her out of her head.

“Wash doll’s hair?” She asked with half a smile.

“That’s right, get in there.” Bucky tilted his head towards the bathtub with a smile.

~

And for some reason, it was different this time. He didn’t feel all weird seeing her naked. Maybe it was because he knew her better this time and was familiar with her in more ways than one that such intimacy didn’t startle him.

He wasn’t sure, but Bucky wasn’t complaining, only grateful as she closed her sweet eyes and trusted him to wash her hair for her.

“Alright, show me how it’s done,” Bucky encouraged, instructing her to whip her hair to the front so he could wrap the towel around it.

She did as told with a giggle, dangling her hair before her and letting Bucky wrap it up the best he could.

“Off to the couch.” Bucky chuckled as he watched her skip in her cashmere bathrobe to her couch.

Later after Bucky has brushed her hair for her, he helped her get dressed and they went outside together to replant the fallen apple saplings the wind had knocked down just like he'd promised.

The smile on her face was new and unmatched as she watched Bucky handle her plants with care.

“Thank you, Bucky.” She hugged him close, hardly wanting to let go as they stood in the middle of her garden.

Bucky was now rooted in her heart just like the plants in her garden were in their soil.

She didn’t think she could be away from him anymore. She didn’t want to be away from him anymore.

“Daddy, I’m hungry,” she whispered timidly as they started walking back to the house.

“What do you want on your piz- what did you say?” Bucky stopped in his tracks.

“I’m hungry.” She bit her lip and looked away quickly, hesitant now that his eyes were on her.

“Before that, doll.” Bucky brought her eyes back to his by her chin.

“D-daddy?”

Bucky smiled a smile that reached his eyes as they lit up with gratitude. He couldn’t believe he was finally hearing that word.

“Daddy’s thinking pizza, doll. Sound okay?”

Her face glowed up with her own smile as she witnessed Bucky, with full commitment, refer to himself as daddy.

She nodded, knowing this was going to be the most delicious pizza she was ever going to eat.

~

“What is daddy thinking?” She asked when she noticed his eyes on her, slipping a loose strand of hair behind Bucky’s ear.

“Just thinking about all the things you make me feel, doll.” He smiled, turning his face to kiss her hand before it left his face.

Her face started heating up as she retracted her hand, tingles spreading all over her, “things like what?”

“You make me feel like there’s still good in this world. Like I’m worth patience and kindness and maybe even… love,” Bucky voiced his feelings, eyes dreamy as they watched her pretend to be focused on organizing her stuffies’ seats on the floor.

“You are, daddy,” she replied sincerely, hurting inside that Bucky might doubt this even a little.

“I can’t believe I was so horrible to you, doll.” Bucky’s sigh came out hot from his chest, holding so much regret.

“That’s in the past, daddy. Doll doesn’t think about it no more.” She smiled, her littler hand covering his own lovingly before giving a soothing squeeze.

“You’re just perfect, aren’t you?” Bucky held her hand up and gave the back of it a noisy kiss.

She laughed, face heating up more at the sweet attention, “no body’s perfect, remember?”

Bucky tried to continue laughing with her but he was still kicking himself for what he did to her during her visit to his house.

“How did you even tolerate me back then, doll? I was the worst.” Bucky covered his face with his hands as he threw his head back, laying on his back on the floor full of shame.

“That’s not true. You just misunderstood me and that happens!” She was quick to defend him, refusing the idea that he would even criticize himself, “daddy is the best.”

“I know, but it still gave me no right to treat you the way I did.” Bucky’s eyes teared up at the memories of his very mean words and actions, “I made you cry a lot.” He struggled to forgive himself for that one.

“Daddy, I forgave you, I swear,” she promised, her hands cradling his full cheeks.

She felt like her heart might stop from sadness if Bucky was to cry right now.

“I’m really sorry. I’m really really sorry, doll.” Bucky’s eyes were sincere, holding so much emotion in them that she felt her own begin to fill up with tears.

“Daddy, you don’t need to apologize no more,” she whispered, doing her best to hold back tears.

“You have made me the luckiest man on earth by accepting me as your caregiver, your daddy, and you’ve taught me so much, doll.” Bucky actually started crying, a lot of held-inside feelings coming out at once.

“Daddy.” Her thumb wiped under his eyes gently as she felt her own tears roll down, “don’t say stuff like that”.

“But I need to. Because you did. You taught me unconditional love and acceptance. You taught me what it means to live again. Doll, your patience with my terribleness has taught me that maybe I’m not a hopeless case after all, and that this shell of a man with a metal arm might be capable of things he thought have been wiped from his memory long ago.”

“Daddy, please stop crying,” she sobbed, pressing her forehead to his chin as her attempts at wiping his tears away have proven to be futile.

“I love you so much, doll. I love you with every old bit of me and if you’ll have me…”

“Daddy?” she raised her head, eyes on Bucky’s face, trying to read his expression.

Could Bucky really be asking what she thought he was asking?

“Doll, I want you to be my baby for more than just a few days. Would you give me that honor? Would you let me be your daddy for real?”

“Daddy, are you sure?” she nervously bit her lip.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything before.” Bucky promised.

She nodded frantically, afraid the offer might disappear if she took too long to respond, “yes.”

“Thank you, doll.” Bucky breathed as he pulled her to him, strong arms engulfing her in a protective hug.

“Daddy will not regret it later?” her eyes watched him, a small hint of doubt still tainting her trust.

“Do you like the moon, doll?”

“Yes.” She tilted her head, not understanding the relation between her question and Bucky’s answer.

“You know how our sky only has one moon?”

She nodded.

“My heart is just like that. It can only have one doll no matter how much time passes.”

“Oh.” She sniffled, trying to hold the tears in.

“I love you, doll.” Bucky gave her hair a long kiss.

“I love you, daddy.” She kissed his chest, her arms tightening their hold around him as best as she could, never wanting to be away from him again.

And she wasn’t going to be. Bucky was an idiot who let her go once; never again was he going to make that mistake.

He was blessed with her now and he was going to spend every day of his life proving he was worthy of this blessing.

~

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[loustica-lucia]

Heroes of the Dragon Age

An animation I've made for Dragon Age Day 2023, featuring my main Warden (Alyssa Cousland-Theirin), Hawke (Eleena Amell Hawke) and Inquisitor (Sulevin Lavellan)!

It's to this day one of my best artwork and I thought I should share it here too! 90+ hours between the original sketch, outfit design, the rough animation, rotoscope, inking, flat-colours, background shading and even the audio :')

Interested in the process? I detailed it below since it was my first time doing something like that:

I would like to start by saying I'm not a professional animator!Everything you've seen here is the result of experimentation and a lot of practice to learn and understand how 2D animation works.

My first idea started in May 2023. I just finished rewatching DA Absolution for the X time, and wanted to analyse why I loved the intro so much. (Even after countless rewatch, I never skipped it once.) I was inspired to study it with my main three protagonists!

Then came the first test with Alyssa Cousland-Theirin, my Hero of Ferelden! I tried to understand which part to separate for the animation. Mainly the hair and cape because it flows a lot more than the rest! If I recall, my first idea here was to make her counter flame attacks (?). Then, as the camera turns around her, I tried to add a grid to know how the camera would work around it.

I ended up making the clip longer, so she could position herself to the further left and leave space to the two other protagonists.

Now it was time to try to animate Sulevin Lavellan, my Inquisitor. I really kept that quick doodling style just to capture the vibe without putting too much time/effort into it! The background would be static to contrast with Alyssa's. I also loved the idea of a rogue sneaking!

Instead of working on Eleena Amell Hawke, my Champion of Kirkwall, I went back to Alyssa and started working with Clip Studio Paint 3D models (this entire animation has been done on the EX version of the software!) It helped for rotoscope animation and maintaining likeness! That's when I got the idea to make the background swirl around the character to let the eyes be guided by the rest of the screen!

After a couple more hours, I planned the entire animatic with 3D models and quick doodles! I finally found a cool pose for Eleena Hawke, which was honestly the hardest of the three to imagine for some reason? I tried many other poses but ended up picking an animation from the game!

This whole time, I was studying a bunch of background ideas and how studio Red Dog Culture House (who made Absolution) work! Thankfully, they have a YouTube Channel where they shared some BTS content so I could analyse it!

Then, I simplified my character and their original designs in the style of the studio! These outfits are how I imagine them after Trespasser. Alyssa as the Queen of Ferelden, looking for a cure to the Calling, Hawke following Fenris to Tevinter & Sully as a Red Jenny Inquisitor!

The idea for Sulevin's animation actually came from a piece I doodled on a live stream, when I was drawing pose studies and turning them into finished artworks haha As for Alyssa, I wanted to draw the fight that got her facial scars!

Once their designs were ready and the background ideas too, I made the rough version of the animation! Basically a sketch done on top of the 3D models to add the details, staying pretty rough just to capture the idea and movements.

Then it was time to start the lines! I decided make a folder per frame, so I could separate all he main elements and draw them one by one. It helps keeping the likeness of a character in the different frames without having big "jumps" between frames! In fact, every parts were coloured differently to recognize them, and then I used vector erasers and masks (Ah yes, the entire lineart is done in vectors of course! It's easier to adjust and save time when working on similar frames!)

At first of course, everything overlaps! But I find it easier to draw too much and erase after, just to make sure everything is coherent in each frames! The cool thing about CSP is how you can change the colour of the layers in one click! So all the coloured lines turned into black in one second, and I could reverse it just as quickly to double check!

Then I started working on Sulevin! I made a blue line to mark where her feet were, as the sketch in the background wasn't perfectly straight! (Like Sulevin's sexuality 🤭😂) The silhouettes were very quick to do, but I had fun adding more & more details as she came closer to the foreground!

I really wanted to add that little dagger trick, but I remember it required me to change the pacing of Eleena's apparition, as it was recovering her arm too quickly! I had to change the pace of multiple frames quite a lot during the project, to make sure the flow was right! For Eleena, most of her animation remained around her arms and the staff itself, as magic would be the most difficult part! That way each character has their own focus: Alyssa has a very animated background, Sulevin got the grappling hook and Eleena the ice!

Then it was time to start adding colours! Just like for the lineart, I separated every colour on it's own layer, so I could easily adjust the colours later if needed. I added one colour at the time, going through all the frames, and then another colour!

I made full palette tests with the colours I would use for their background at this point, checking if the details remained readable! Alyssa was the most challenging in terms of clothes, because I made her a very detailled armour! I had to simplify the Theirin heraldry, vectorize/redraw the Cousland, and make a brush for her cape's pattern!

Once I was done adding the flatcolours, I started the background, and oh boy it was a wild ride. For the cave, I painted multiple tests. I imagine was to use CSP panorama tools, which transform a texture into a 3D sphere, so each corners must match to look good. Sadly, it made the background very blurry, so after hours of testing, I changed ideas. Instead of the random fire balls (?) I originally imagined for Alyssa, I made three simple frames of a Rage Demon to attack her.

I ended up using the cave as a repeated pattern to make it turn 360° around the character. For Eleena, I mixed inspiration from the comics, Dreadwolf & Absolution, using warm colours matching Hawke's signature red. Just like I made the cave very grey/blue to match Grey Wardens. For Val Royeaux, it was more complex because I wanted to make it green, matching the Inquisitor's signature green. But bright green couldn't work, and the original colour during day time was blue/white/gold. So I added more leaves, played around the design a bit! After adding the rage demon, I made the shading! It was surprisingly easy and quick to do now!

I clipped a white layer on the flatcolours to not be distracted by the colours, and made thin lines to separate the light/shadows, then simply filled everything with the bucket tool! Then you set the layer to multiply and remove the white layer, and you have celshading shadows! Now the character looks out of the picture, so I added layers of blue in color burn, saturation and substract blending modes to make her look like she's in the right setting! Of course, I did the same with the other two, giving Hawke a red overlay and Sulevin green shadows!

Then I added the details, it went from white irises, to sword/staff smears to earrings and smaller finition that goes on top of these layers. To add the lights, I simply selected the shadows and reversed the selection! Using warm and cold tones to create contrast with the purple/bluish shadows! I also added more ambient light layers for Alyssa to reflect the Rage Demon fire. Now it was time to add ice magic! My first attempt had too many frames, making it look weird! Sometimes it's better to lower the frame rate to make things less bumpy!

Then I downloaded some cool ice brushes on CSP assets that made it look less like blue magical flames! But when I covered the screen in ice, I realized "Oh wait, I could make a cool transition from the ice, to blue lyrium turning red?"Red Lyrium truly links these three games and The Veilguard somehow! I spent the next hour painting over the idol and putting it in a black background, with lyrium and then the golden Dragon Age title text.

For the SFX, I used free youtube libraries sounds & "Darkspawn!" comes from the violent human female voice set (iconic for ""Can I get you a ladder? So you can get off my back!"😂🤭) After editing all that, the animation was finally done!

Here's the final math:

About 15 hours for the sketching/rough/animatic phase, 30h for the lineart, 25h for colours, 10h for backgrounds, 5h for details & 5h for music & SFX, for a total of 90 hours. Aka the same amount of time it took me to finish Baldur's Gate 3 the first time lol

If you have any question regarding the animation or the softwares etc. do not hesitate to ask, I'll do my best to answer!

[citrusandrottefruit]

Diagnosed with Hanahaki, a genetic autoimmune disease, as a child, Steve has learned to live with it. Along the way, he finds a family and falls in love with Eddie. He is never cured, but he lives.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Parte 5 | Parte 6

After a few hours of talking, Steve decided what to do: for the next few days, he would just go to work as usual (after all, he couldn't miss any more) while his body began to adjust to the new medications, and once he felt more settled and at peace with himself, he would go to Eddie, then Hopper and Joyce, and then the kids.

In Robin's opinion, he should come out as soon as possible, but Steve thought it was a much better idea to alert Eddie about his health condition, see how he dealt with it, and only in a few weeks, after he had already gone through all the difficult conversations he knew he would have, talk about his feelings.

“What if he agrees to date me out of pity, Robin? I couldn’t stand it.”

“Eddie has a lot of feelings for you, but pity isn’t one of them. He looks at you like he wants to put that whole ‘eat the rich’ thing into action.”

“Maybe, maybe.” Steve reluctantly agreed, only because he knew Robin had the best intentions, but he didn’t have the same perception he did. They were in the kitchen, Robin having demanded to make a healthy breakfast. “But he only knows me as a high school athlete and a…”

“Fighter in the Upside Down?” Robin offered. She was looking right at him, having abandoned the fruit she was cutting. “A protector? Hero?” She pointed at Steve with the knife, her knuckles white. Steve stared until Robin set the knife down on the counter.

“Yeah. A fighter, a hero, a protector. Whatever. That’s how he knows me.” Steve crossed his arms. “Someone capable. Physically, at least. I’ve never been very smart, we don’t have the same hobbies, I’m not as passionate about music as he is. I can’t even smoke if he wants to spend his time smoking.” He ran a hand through his hair, already feeling his chest tighten, his breath starting to run out. “I can’t even get a job without you to convince someone to hire me.”

“Steve…”

“I’m not saying I’m terrible or anything. I’m not, you know that, but the only thing that’s exceptional about me is this illness and my involvement with the Upside Down. If it happens again, I don’t think I’ll be any use. I won’t be the hero you’re talking about anymore. It would be too much to ask Eddie to want me right after finding out the truth. So I’ll tell him, but only after he understands what it means to have Hanahaki.”

The discussion ended there, with a hug and Robin admitting that he was right and betting that she was right too. Eddie was in love, she was sure of it.

Despite believing that she had everything planned and resolved, a few hours after Robin left, Steve saw his plans being ruined by a hesitant and quiet knock on the door, followed by two loud knocks and another slightly quieter one. Steve opened the door and saw Eddie, who looked strange, rocking on his toes and looking around as if he were being chased by Vecna ​​himself.

As soon as their eyes met, Eddie twisted his hair and asked if he could come in. Steve let him, because he couldn't deny Eddie anything, but he still didn't feel ready to face him.

Steve turned his back and walked to the kitchen, because at least he could pretend to be busy cooking, just so he wouldn't have to face Eddie head on.

At first, Eddie didn't say anything, just watched as Steve put vegetables on the counter.

"Did I do something?"

"Hmm?" Steve hummed without turning around.

"You've been avoiding everyone. Dustin said he talked to you on the phone, you checked on Max a few times, and I know you've been answering all the kids on the walkie-talkie."

"Yes."

“I don’t understand. I thought everything was fine. That we were fine.”

Eddie’s voice was so weak that, against his better judgment, Steve turned to him.

“We’re fine.”

“Are you sure? I don’t…” Suddenly, his face turned as red as a tomato. “Didn’t I do anything to make you uncomfortable?”

And because he was a weak man, Steve leaned closer.

“No, of course not.” Steve smiled, wanting to make Eddie comfortable. “Why would you think that?”

“It’s been almost a month since we last saw each other.”

“I know.” The answer was so low and shaky that Eddie stopped playing with his hair.

“It was right after we left here, me and Wayne.” Eddie says, as if Steve didn’t know that. “I figured you might want some space, at first, because I can be pretty tiresome.”

“Nah, man, I never get tired of you.”

Eddie blushed again and looked pleased.

“Then I thought maybe you were upset about the move.”

“What? No, I know you guys need your own space. It’s not to offend me or anything.”

Eddie blinked owlishly and then laughed.

“Uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as me.”

“Ah!” Steve felt his face heat up. “Ah.”

With an appraising look, Eddie took a step forward. A huge step, which put the two of them almost chest to chest.

“Eddie…”

“I even thought you might have been hurt that you didn’t help unload our things when we moved, you know?”

“I wouldn’t be upset about something like that.” Steve mumbled, still not having the courage to walk away and wanting to run for the hills.

“Yeah, I know.” Eddie whispered almost inaudibly and Steve was forced to follow his mouth to understand. “That’s why I dismissed the idea.” Then he smiled and Steve had no doubt that he was caught ogling. “I couldn’t sleep well, because every time I woke up in the middle of the night, I remembered you.”

“Hm. Yeah. I… I almost looked for you last night, I guess I still haven’t gotten used to you moving, after all.”

Having regained consciousness, Steve prepared to step out of Eddie's bubble of personal space, but all he had to do was put one foot back and he was pulled back in. Despite the growing tension between them, the last thing he expected was to be kissed.

I warned you, Dingus! A voice sounding suspiciously like Robin resounded in his mind.

When Eddie tried to deepen the kiss, Steve remembered the bitter taste on his tongue, the traces of blood in his mouth, and felt disgusted and embarrassed. This time, it was easy to get some space.

For a few seconds, they didn't say anything, but Eddie looked so pale and scared, ready to run away, that Steve managed to force the words he had been dreading out of his mouth.

“I have Hanahaki.”

“What?” Eddie straightened up. “How? Who? Why?”

Although the questions were vague, Steve understood.

“My mom has it too. I was diagnosed when I was 9, almost 10.”

“10 years?” Eddie sighed. “10?”

Steve leaned against the kitchen counter, because he was tired, but he didn't want to have this conversation sitting down.

“Hanahaki?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?” Steve nodded. Eddie, alarmed, began to pace back and forth, stopping to look at Steve every few steps. “Hanahaki, that disease with roots in the chest? That destroys the lungs? The love sickness?”

“It's not like I described it, but yes, that's it.”

“Who was it, Steve? Was it Nancy?”

“What? No, man.” Steve laughed a broken laugh. “I told you I've had Hanahaki since I was little, I didn't even know Nancy back then.”

“So, who…? Was it your p…?”

“I don't know if you know this, but Hanahaki has genetic factors, as well as environmental ones. It manifested itself in my mother, then in me.”

“Your mother has Hanahaki?!” He seemed increasingly incredulous.

“I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a while now, and I think it needs to be now, before you say or do anything. Listen to everything I’m going to say, please.”

Eddie nodded in stunned silence.

“It’s scary, Eddie.” Steve said quietly, trying to find the right words. It was easier with Robin, maybe because he didn’t feel like he had to impress her, maybe because he already knew she would be by his side, maybe because he had left out so much. “Because I lived practically my entire life with Hanahaki. I don’t remember much of anything before the diagnosis, so I can’t compare it to… You know, a healthy body. I did a lot of things while I was sick, so I guess… I don’t know, I guess I thought I could do this, you know? That I could be strong all the time, that I could always run, be strong, that I… Geez, I said that before, right? Be strong.” Steve laughed humorlessly. “I could be an athlete who goes to the hospital almost every month and needs medication every day… I’ve had Hanahaki for 10 years. I’ve done a lot of things.” Eddie opened his mouth, but Steve held up a hand, so he pressed his lips together and waited. “I guess I didn’t even realize I was in the easy part. I didn’t stop to think about how much worse things would actually get, and I feel like it’s finally caught up with me.”

“Steve, you’re not going to die. You’re going to be okay, we’ll figure it out, anythi—”

“No, please. You have to listen, I’m just trying to think. It’s hard to talk about this. The only person who’s really listened to me is Robin, and we haven’t talked about it that much, so I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how I should say this, so it might take a while. I need to think.”

After a few moments of silence, Steve assessed Eddie. Before Vecna, Eddie had always been so full of life, so loud, so theatrical. Steve had noticed it at school and when he picked up the kids after the Hellfire Club. After the spring, he changed, as they all did. He carried an air of tragedy wherever he was, lost in thoughts of suffering, inspiring infinite sadness at times. But he never looked like this. So still, barely breathing, and yet so alert, so aware of everything. His eyes never stopped moving on Steve, almost as if he was waiting to be able to see Hanahaki.

Steve thought that if he wanted to, he could stay silent and Eddie wouldn’t argue, because people could give in so easily when they thought you were going to die with the slightest disturbance.

“I’m not going to be okay and I don’t want anyone to promise me that. Now I’m going to tell you because it’s scary. I thought a lot about how to tell you this… It’s scary because I’ve known Hanahaki for years, but this disease still surprises me. A few months ago, I was so much more capable than I am now. I’m losing things all the time. Basic, simple, easy things. Things that I once took for granted. That’s what you need to understand before you…”

Steve looked into Eddie's eyes and blushed, because he could hardly admit that there was something between them without being sure that everything was clear. Of course, that was when Hanahaki decided to act and he coughed until he bent over, barely able to breathe. Eddie approached uncertainly and trembling, but Steve just stepped back and took a Hanahaki inhaler. From his pocket, he took a handkerchief and spat out some blood with pieces of the roots half dissolved.

The silence stretched on.

"That's it. That wasn't even bad. But it wasn't normal either, I'm just going through a bad moment, but I'm already treating it, I'll get better, it just won't be the same as it was before Spring." Steve explained embarrassed. "I don't want you to commit to anything without being sure what you're getting into and I have no problem waiting."

Eddie grabbed Steve's hands, not caring about the handkerchief, which got his hands dirty too. His eyes, the first thing Steve noticed romantically, were huge and scared.

“Steve, I won't regret it, you don't have to worry about that.”

Although he appreciated the sentiment, Steve got irritated and pulled his hands away.

“Well, what I need now is to make sure you're sure.”

“Okay, whatever you want. I promise.”

“It's not that I don't trust you, it's just that you don't know what Hanahaki is like. I know what it's like.”

“I'll research it, I'll learn everything. I'll become an expert at this! I swear.” The promise drew a wet laugh from Steve and, as if by magic, Eddie felt infinitely lighter. His eyes lit up and he reached out his hands once more, hovering over Steve's arms. “Can I hug you?”

At Steve's nod, they approached. Very slowly and with uncharacteristic caution, Eddie placed his hands on Steve's back. Steve huffed out a laugh and squeezed Eddie tightly, pulling him even closer.

"I won't break."

After that, the conversation was vague. Steve figured Eddie had a million questions, but he settled for asking if, even though he didn't know much about Hanahaki yet, he could stay and spend the night. As a friend of Steve's and nothing more.

For what seemed like the thousandth time, they lay down on the bed in Eddie's old room. There were no more personal items there, but Steve hadn't even changed the sheets yet, which were messed up on the bed as if they were waiting for Eddie to come back from a trip to the bathroom. He was kind enough not to comment, even though it was obvious he had noticed.

Unlike all the times they had slept together before, this time they cuddled. Maybe it wasn't the best idea for Steve's poor heart, but he was too tired to even think about fighting. To fill the silence, Eddie told him about a book he had been reading lately.

Just as he was almost asleep, Steve felt Eddie murmur something near his ear and asked him to repeat it.

“I asked if you’re going to need a transplant. I read about it once.”

“Probably.”

“Okay.” Eddie tightened his arms around Steve. “I can be your donor, Stevie.” Steve shook with laughter and felt Eddie’s smile on the back of his neck. “What’s wrong? You don’t believe me, Sweetheart?”

“Robin promised the same thing.”

“Oh, then maybe we’ll have to fight for you.”

That night, Steve fell asleep feeling like everything might turn out okay after all.

The next part is the last one. After that, I'll post some thoughts on it, for more context.

Tag list | @estrellami-1 @drips-and-drabbles15

[smallpwbbles]

Learning

Finally got this one-shot finished, I know I keep talking about how I don't expect these stories to be as long as they are when I start writing but I am just flabbergasted I could write 9k in two days. Uni pebbles could never.

Anyway take this fic going over some of Maria and biolizard Shadow's time on the ARK

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Maria Robotnik knew many things about herself, her favourite colour was blue, she loved to read and draw, she’d prefer to pour the milk in her bowl before the cereal cause it’d get soggy faster otherwise and she really loved to look out the windows of the ARK observatory. 

The planet earth looked like such a small little thing from the view she was granted, but as she stood in the gigantic room, aboard the space colony, the little blue ball of earth gave her hope. Hope that someday she’d be away from the machinery and labs that did nothing but fill her with apprehension. 

She yearned for the many things her grandfather Gerald told her stories about, to feel the grass between her feet, to smell the air of the oceans. These fantasies made her feel warm and filled her with that hope, but woefully, Maria knew one other thing about herself. 

She was sick.

Maria Robotnik was a victim of disease and it slowly worked to hinder the small hope she garnered as she looked out the windows of the observatory. With every burst of excitement that came as Gerlad told his stories of the earth, came the concerning reminders of her sickness as she felt her lungs strain when she overworked herself. Maria wished she could run without feeling like her legs would collapse on her at any second, or sleep a good night's rest without worrying she’d wake up with a fever. 

But it was sad to say, she had to make due with these things. Maria believed this would be the routine of her life, until she was informed about her grandfather's latest project, she heard many of his scientists rave and rant about this project when Gerald didn’t think she was listening in. But Maria was a sneaky little thing when she wanted to be, unfortunately the most she was able to gather were inklings of a “ultimate life form”, whatever that meant. 

Her interest boiled over when her grandfather sat her down one night, he was absolutely buzzed with excitement and told her of all his findings, research and effort to find a cure for illness. Maria felt despondent when it came to her sickness, it was a horrible, disgusting, parasitic thing that was taking everything from her, but she was beginning to come to a sort of term where she’d just live with it. Her grandfather had already been doing so much with no results so she couldn’t help her apathy towards Gerald’s enthusiasm.

Though it did have something to do with that ultimate life form thing she had eavesdropped on, the perfect being that would have all the answers to all diseases? She didn’t doubt that her grandfather could do amazing with his intelligence, they were Robotniks! It was in their DNA to do great things. But the idea of something that could achieve feats as grand as curing all diseases was quite ludicrous. Maria kept that to herself as she didn’t want to curb her grandfather's elation. 

There wasn’t much on the project for her after that, Maria kept on with her stagnant life for many months, going from the usuals rounds of feeling normal to sudden long visits to the infirmary. It was a sad existence and Maria knew this, but it was the only existence she knew for herself. Maybe it was quite crazy to think this but better her than anyone else, she wouldn’t wish such a life on her worst enemy. 

The blond girl walked down the long corridors of the labs, she wasn’t really allowed to do so without permission but what her grandfather and the scientists didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. The corridors were dull and grey, she wished Gerald would allow her to maybe put up some drawings or just some cute decor, it did get boring walking down such drab walls. She was talking it slow as she was recovering from a recent fall, Maria had no idea what caused the spike in her temperature and neither did the scientists, it amazed her how quick her body could be to hinder itself.

The steely doors to Gerald’s private lab were presented in front of her, she pressed an ear to the door, lately when she took to creeping around the labs she could hear rushed voices and shuffling about, it was clear there was something pretty important happening as of late, Gerald had been quite absent from the recreation rooms and just in general. The last time she’d seen him was a couple days ago and he had that look she’d seen before, he was about to break through with something, she was sure. 

The code box to the right of the doors tempted her, she knew the code. A peek into his labs wouldn’t hurt. 

Maria meticulously entered her birthdate with the right keys, she was sure literally everyone knew the code but didn’t enter into restricted areas out of respect for principle. The doors slid apart and Maria felt a cold air flow around her body, there was nobody in the lab which worked heavily in her favour. 

Her heels clicked as she walked into the labs, there were notes strewn about and many coffee cups standing or thrown on top of the worktops, the amount of cups she saw told her an unhealthy amount of coffee was consumed in this room, however what caught her immediate attention was the middle of the room, she’d been the private lab before and was never presented with the gigantic test tube flowing with whatever green liquid was in there. 

The most important discovery of her observation was a little creature floating in the tube. Maria hesitantly approached the glass cylinder to get a closer look, the little thing was a hedgehog of sorts? Maria couldn’t safely say that as the little greyish black creature was full of a lot of red scales and had quite a long tail, almost as big as its entire torso. Though there  was one thing she couldn’t deny about the creature, it was stinking adorable.

“Maria?!” A voice yelled behind her, she felt her heart leap into her throat as she whipped around to find the source of the yell. Gerald was standing in front of the doors, he held a coffee cup in his wrinkly hand and looked absolutely swamped. “What are you doing here?! I was so worried when your caretaker said she couldn’t find you” 

“Oh- uh, Grandfather I’m sorry I just-“ her words fumbled about, she didn’t really have a good reason for being in here other than she got bored and missed her grandfather “I just… haven’t seen you in a bit and was wondering what the fuss was in your lab”

The old man sighed, he wasn’t mad at her, just concerned she was missing in the entire ark for a moment, he was just realising how scarce he himself had become from Maria and felt a tiny bit like a hypocrite “I apologise Maria, it’s just been quite hectic with the project”. 

“Are you the one with all these empty coffee cups grandfather” she questioned, the old man blushed at the accusation as he also hadn’t realised the ridiculous amount of caffeine he’d consumed in the past week let alone the past day, he decided he wouldn’t worry Maria with that fact though. 

“No, just the one” he shook the paper cup in his hand with emphasis. 

Maria seemed satisfied with that answer and turned her eyes back to the tube. Gerald hoped he could present this project when it was actually ready but he overestimated his granddaughter's patience. He walked to join Maria in front of the glass tube and put a hand to its surprisingly warm exterior.

“This, Maria, is project shadow” he announced, the little creature in the tube twitched at his voice but made no other movements, its eyes were screwed shut, it would move its head every so often slightly to the noises of the machinery that surrounded the labs. It scrunched up its itty bitty snout and Maria fought with the power of her ancestors to hold back a squeal. 

“This is to be your ultimate perfect creature grandfather?” The blond girl looked up at the old scientist, her tone sounded incredulous to Gerald.

“All that and more Maria, what do you think?” The scientist asked.

“Well that makes sense, it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life” Maria concluded.

Gerald raised a brow “Maria, my darling, it’s not the perfect creature because it’s cute”. While Gerald could agree his creature was small and therefore looked seemingly harmless, he felt a bit defensive at the idea that he had worked these many months to make a creature with the grand potential this one contained only to have it be called “cute”.

“Grandfather if you didn’t want me calling it cute you shouldn’t have made it cute” the girl lightly chided, she was just riling up the old man but she then watched as the tiny thing yawned, it had one little fang poking out of its gums and she almost started crying at the absolute adorableness of the tiny hedgehog, lizard thing.

“It has not finished growing Maria, we’re currently having Shadows growth accelerated as we are quite behind on the time frame of the project” Gerald explained.

“Shadow?” Maria looked to her grandfather “is that what your calling it” she asked 

“I think it’s quite a fitting name, its fur is actually going to look much darker in the next coming months” Gerald felt a bit shaken from all the caffeine he’d consumed and was going to double check on the validity of that claim later. 

“Shadow” she repeated as she watched the small thing float in the tube, she’d only just met the creature, but she loved him. Maria couldn’t explain the feeling that began warming her heart as she watched the infant in the tube, but she was reminded of how she felt when she looked down at the blue planet from time to time. 

It was that feeling that reminded her that not all was hopeless.

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Maria thanked the lady, who was entrusted with the duty of cafeteria leader today, as she was handed a few chocolate chip cookies. The plump lady was called Barb, she believed. Maria did her best to remember everyone she could on the ARK but her little 11 year old brain could only remember so many names. 

Barb was her favourite in the cafeteria because when Maria was on her best behaviour she’d be rewarded with treats from the kind lady, though today, as she carefully deposited the cookies in her pockets, she knew the treats would be of need for emergency use.

Shadow had grown considerably in the many months after Maria invited herself to Gerald’s lab and met the black creature for the first time. As an infant he wasn’t much bigger than her hands, and from time to time Gerald would give special permission for Shadow to be allowed out of his tube for closer inspection and testing. Once Maria had the chance to hold the tiny thing, she cradled him like a baby as he cooed and hiccuped in her arms. She thought she would ascend to heaven on the spot, he really was the cutest thing. 

Unfortunately he had grown too fast and much too big for her to do such a thing now, he was also a very quick learner as Shadow was quite cognizant, it was like there was a fast forward on the creature's ability to learn as he picked up on things just from observing. Teaching Shadow basic knowledge was a breeze for Gerald and his scientists and so it was for Maria, she mainly taught Shadow his manners and how to pull the perfect puppy doe eyes to sway people to get what you want. 

Maria loved discovering the facets of the little hedgehog’s personality, he soaked up the praise of all the scientists and other people aboard the ark when he did something asked of him successfully, Shadow didn’t talk much but Maria was sure if he did he’d be bragging a lot as he was starting to get a bit of an ego. 

The blond girl patted at the cookies in her pocket as she made her way to her accommodations, the current emergency she tasked herself with solving was due Shadows hubris ending up getting him into trouble, he’d recently joined Maria in her private studies with Gerald. The little creature was smart and Maria couldn’t deny that but she wouldn't say he was smarter than her grandfather. Shadow thought otherwise as the lesson she thought she’d be fighting sleep to get through turned into two people trying to one up the other.

The black hedgehog lizard stubbornly tried to correct the old man on a simple innocuous problem that Gerald wrote on the black board for him and Maria to solve. The scientist however was just as stubborn as he stood his ground that the answer he’d written next to the problem, right after Maria gave up on it, was in fact correct and Shadow needed to knock it off. It had been amusing at first watching the little hedgehog wipe off the chalk and rewrite the answer but as the two kept bickering, Maria just wanted to slam her face into her desk. How she wished she snuck in her sketchpad into today's lesson.

Shadow had edged towards a tantrum and absolutely lost his nerve when Maria intervened and begged him to give up in his pursuit to be right. Gerald had just face palmed when the hedgehog ran away clearly feeling ganged up on “I put way too much of us robotnik's into that boy”.

Maria had to agree, because now she was in her room trying to coax Shadow out from under her bed. The little guy always hid out under her berth when he was upset, Maria could recall doing so herself at a younger age. Despite probably being mad at the blond girl for not taking his side, he couldn’t help but seek out comfort in the darkness from underneath her bed.

“Shadow? Won’t you come out please” Maria begged, she bent down and poked a hand under the covers that hid the darkness underneath her bed, in response Shadow swiped at her fingers as she quickly pulled them back. She noticed his claws were unsheathed when he swiped, he was clearly really upset. 

“Sorry, sorry I won’t make you come out if you don’t want to” the girl apologised, she did however retrieve a cookie from her pocket and placed it right in front of the space Shadow was occupying, she sat on her knees patiently and waited to see if he’d take the bait. 

She watched as a clawed furred and scaly hand slowly revealed itself from the darkness, it quickly swiped at the cookie and brought it into the darkness. Maria waited a few seconds, it usually took Shadow a minute to come out of the covers after being given a bribe. 

Just as she had predicted, Shadow poked out his head to make eye contact with her, his face seemed a little red and his muzzle was tear stained. She opened up her arms inviting Shadow to come into her embrace. 

The little creature hesitated for a second before nearly bowling her over with how quickly he crawled into her arms, Maria brought her arms to cradle to him, he certainly wasn’t a baby anymore as he came up to about her waist height wise but she couldn’t help but still try cradle him like one, she even rocked slightly as that always seemed to help calm him when he was like this. 

She brought a hand up to his head to stroke at his quills, it was a weird feeling as her hand caressed his spines to his scales, she wondered what it was like to be a mammal yet also reptilian. She could feel Shadow begin to purr slightly, Maria wouldn’t say it around the black hedgehog but he was the cutest thing, he’d grown tired of her calling him that after about the fifteenth time so she made a point to only do in her head now. 

“You are so smart Shadow but if you have something to prove you shouldn’t just blindly argue with Grandfather, he’s as stubborn as you and won’t listen if you do that” she scolded the hedgehog.

Shadow looked up at her, his face was flat as he didn’t look like he wanted to be lectured at that moment, but Maria didn’t want him arguing with her grandfather, it made studying much worse than it could already be sometimes.

The hedgehog instead nuzzled his face into her waist, she wasn’t sure if he had acknowledged what she just said but her attention was taken off his apathetic attitude to the pile of scales that lay on her skirt, probably pulled off as he rubbed his head into her torso, she picked at one and held it to her face.

“Gosh you're shedding a lot, I hope you're not getting bigger, you're already hard enough to hold at this size” she complained, the hedgehog on her lap looked unstirred by the idea. 

She wondered how she was going to get him to apologise to Gerald for ending studies early due to his little outburst, shadow looked like he’d rather take a nap right in her lap and he looked rather adorable so she was edging towards letting him. Maria calmed her thoughts as she decided she’d let the hedgehog off just for today. She was sure her grandfather was making himself busy somewhere and probably already put the tantrum aside.

The girl began to stroke at the little hedgehog's head of quills and Shadow in response started up his purring again. Everything would be fine.

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Everything was not fine, it had all started going downhill a couple months after that incident during studies. Maria wondered if there was some higher power or something that just wanted a laugh and made Maria and her loved ones the victims for some hardships that began taking place.

Shadow by all accounts was a perfect being or at least should have been, he was strong, fast, could harness this power that Maria was told was chaos energy. He healed so quickly after even the largest injuries, most of which he would get during tests that Maria was not well informed about. However the scientist couldn’t have foreseen the extent of Shadow's progress.

The hedgehog grew, the escalation of his size was alarming at first. He began reaching the torsos of many average height humans on the ARK, the alarm turned to panic when he shot up well past that overnight. Becoming double the height of even the average person of Shadows species had made the scientists scramble for answers, Gerald was absolutely stunned with the mutation Shadow developed. 

As the hedgehog did not stop growing, his body fought to keep up with the rate of enlargement. Shadow had  become poorly as a result of his heart struggling to provide sufficient blood flow around the body. He should have been fine but as his body kept increasing his heart had to constantly readjust to how much work was required to keep his blood flow steady. 

Maria hadn’t seen Shadow in some weeks as an outcome of this event. She sat on her desk as she struggled to gain motivation to draw. The pencil barely scratched at the paper of her sketch pad as her frustration grew, she chucked the pencil across the room and threw her head into her hands. 

She felt sick and not because of the aching disease that ate away at her cells, Shadow was in the labs being poked and prodded as the scientists did their best to keep him alive. It wasn’t supposed to be him in pain, wondering if he’d make it through the day. It should have been her like it always was. She had never wished this pain on anyone, so why was Shadow being punished because she couldn’t be well?

The page her pencil had only barely touched was ripped right off the metal spirals that held her sketchbook together. She tore the page into pieces, shoving all her frustrations into desecrating the empty page. The paper had done nothing wrong but Maria couldn’t think of anything else to alleviate all the negative thoughts that swarmed in her brain. 

She wanted to see Shadow so badly. Tell him it was all going to be okay, hold his hand in hers and just be there by his side. Maria didn’t even know if he was okay.

It was like the universe was listening to her, as the doors to her room abruptly opened, surprising her. She stood up to face the intruder, who happened to be Gerald. The old scientist looked rugged, it was clear he hadn’t had a good night's sleep, as evident from the bags under his eyes Maria could see even through his glasses. It seemed the old man was about to greet her but Maria’s voice was faster than her manners “grandfather, is shadow-“

“Settle down Maria” the scientist quickly interrupted whatever word vomit that was about to erupt from the girl. He walked over to her desk and placed a hand to her shoulder and guided the two of them to her bed to take a seat. “Shadow is stable, we’ve done everything we can for him for now, but only time will tell how he’ll recover”. 

“Did you figure out why he started growing so big, grandfather?” She couldn’t help but ask, it was part of the Robotnik charm being so curious. 

“There’s too many variables that we couldn’t point down, it could be his chaos energy, possibly something mutating with his additional lizard DNA, maybe even an effect of the accelerant we had him under, we aren’t too sure at the moment Maria my dear. Our focus was just stopping the growth before it got too much for Shadow to handle” Gerald explained, he felt irate at not being able to determine the main cause of Shadow's recent mutation. 

The hedgehog was a one of a kind being and Gerald couldn’t just watch Shadow waste away and start over. The scientist and his team had invested their lives into the project and Gerald’s attachment has grown too great. 

Maria looked down as she fiddled with her hands, she appreciated her grandfather for being honest with her about Shadow’s condition, even though the details wrenched her heart to hear. It was nothing compared to what shadow was most likely going through.

“May I see him?” her voice was quiet, she really didn’t expect Gerald to let her but she had to ask.

“Maria I don’t think that’s a good idea-“ she’d expected him to say that but it didn’t stop her from screwing her face, her eyes felt hot but she didn’t want any tears escaping them. 

“Please, please may I just see him grandfather” Maria turned to her Gerald, she had an idea of what her face looked like but she wasn’t even attempting an usual expression that would sway the old man, her face bore her anguish and the second Gerald looked down at her face he knew he didn’t have the strength to say no. 

The scientist sighed as he stood and placed a hand to offer, Maria would usually be jumping for joy at the success of being able to see Shadow when he was in the labs but this time when she took the scientist's aged hand, she was scared. She was afraid of what had become of Shadow, what would she come to find when she saw him she wondered. 

Her thoughts weren’t left unanswered for long, when Gerald had taken his granddaughter to the labs she was introduced to an entirely new section, it reminded her of the zoo she’d seen in a picture once. It was a gigantic space that had large windows that let people view from the outside which was where Gerald had taken her instead of directly Inside the enclosure. However what was inside the enclosure was a large beast, it was larger than large, it was huge to Maria. It was so huge she could hear the things breathing, It was very laboured and it made the girl feel sympathy.

It only took her a moment to identify the familiar black quills and red scales, she was flabbergasted that she was presented with Shadows presence in all his gigantic glory, she’d only not realised it was shadow because of how pale he looked as well as the fact that a behemoth lay in place instead of the three foot creature she was used to. 

Maria could just barely see his face which was currently covered by his arms, he looked flushed and his face kept crumpling in what she assumed to be pain, he was sleeping fitfully. A lump formed in her throat as she watched the beast lay there in suffering, she balled up her fists and before Gerald could do a thing she slammed her fists into the glass of the enclosure. 

Maria couldn’t think of a concrete reason for doing that, it wouldn’t have solved anything, slamming the glass wouldn’t have magically made Shadow better. Maybe she wanted to spread her pain literally anywhere that wasn’t just her, maybe the glass just looked really annoying and deserved the hit. All she knew after the fact was she really shouldn’t have slammed the glass. 

One of Shadows' gigantic and significantly fluffier ears perked up at the source of the noise and he painstakingly lifted his head in the direction of Maria and Gerald. The girl hadn’t even noticed her grandfather scolding her for attacking the glass as Shadow began making his way towards them, the windows they observed him from was at a notably higher higher platform than the one Shadows enclosure was built at, but the height difference was no problem for the hedgehog as his new height made it easier for him to cross the dissimilarity. 

Maria felt ashamed of the sudden fear that struck her as the monstrous hedgehog took earth shaking steps towards where she stood, Gerald had finally noticed as he watched the girl's face turn white and turned to the source of his granddaughter's fear. His eyes abruptly widened, Shadow was not meant to be up just yet. Gerald and his team had continuously worked for weeks to halt the upsurge of growth that literally could have killed Shadow had they not. An idea formed around the scientists to create something to inhibit Shadows powers as the hypothesis between them was that it was a combination of Chaos energy and Shadows overall unstable DNA that was mutating him 

Everyone was relieved when the  plan worked well in execution and the hedgehog had indeed stopped enlarging. Gerald had measured the hedgehog and Shadow was capped off at exactly about thirty-five feet. He now wore brown metal cuffs that were equipped with additional tools to monitor the hedgehog's condition. The old man thought they were quite an eyesore on his project so he declared the cuffs would be a prototype until he and his team could develop something better, given that Shadows rapid increase in size was quite abrupt and his team had to act quickly.

“Maria stand behind me” Gerald commanded, the girl was frozen in place as Shadow haphazardly placed a claw to the window of the enclosure right in front of where she stood. His claw was so huge he could crush her in seconds if he wanted, Maria scolded herself for such a thought. Shadow would never do so. She felt her arm being tugged as she was carefully pulled behind her grandfather, he pulled a device from his pocket that Maria couldn’t really identify until she heard him talk into it. His voice was low and calm but she could hear a spike of panic in it.

Her attention was taken away from the old man when she heard creaking, and then cracking. Her blood turned to ice when she realised the weight Shadow was putting on the windows were making them break, she wanted to yell at the hedgehog to stop but her throat was not eager to listen to her commands, she was too afraid, she was just a useless sick and afraid girl. 

“I believe he is feverish, you will need to come in carefully and administer the sedative” she heard Gerald instruct into the walkie talkie like device. 

In the corner of her eye she looked into the other side of the enclosure, away from where Shadow currently stood. Two scientists apprehensively walked into the gigantic rooms, they were armed with something that looked like a weapon, were they going to hurt Shadow? Maria wanted to speak up but she was still frozen still behind her grandfather. The old scientist himself was standing still, he didn’t want any sudden movements to irritate or confuse the hedgehog, if Shadow broke through the glass, Gerald didn’t know if he and Maria could move away in time to prevent injury. 

Maria could see the scientists whispering harshly to each other, from the distance she was at she obviously couldn’t hear their words but she deduced from their movements they were arguing about who should use their weapon on the distracted hedgehog, in their bickering the taller scientist between the two suddenly and accidentally fired off their weapon. 

A syringe blasted off with smoke trailing it and got Shadow right in the calf, the hedgehog yipped in response and accidentally leaned his entire arm weight into the window. Maria didn’t know what was happening in that moment as glass shattered and she felt herself be shielded as the old man in front of her took the brunt of the glass, there was yelling and panic as she heard the two scientists in the enclosure scream at each other. 

There was a angry roar she was sure came from a provoked Shadow, the sound of shots rang throughout the enclosure as she held on for dear life to her grandfather, her heart couldn’t stop racing, the room shook as Shadow lunged for the scientists that had shot off more sedatives in the their panic at the hedgehogs provokation. They sped towards the steel doors leading out of Shadows enclosure before he could get his claws on the squealing duo. The doors shut quickly as Shadow practically rammed himself into them.

Maria felt her ears ringing, there was just too much going on, her heart felt like it was going to explode out of her chest, it was painful. There were concerned shouts as scientists and other ARK personnel entered the hallway of the enclosure viewing. The floor was covered in so much glass as were Gerald and Maria, she was shielded well from the accidental attack so she only felt the littlest pricks of tiny glass that flew onto her bare legs. She couldn’t identify if her Grandfather was as lucky as she was, her head just felt so light. 

The scientists began examining the blond girl and her grandfather as they were rushed to exit the enclosure. Maria could only spare a couple seconds to look back at Shadow. The gigantic hedgehog lizard looked absolutely distressed, he had done a number on the steel doors as they were covered in claw marks and dented from punches Shadow threw in pursuit to get the doors open. He was on his hands and knees and wobbled due to the effects of the sedatives. The beast turned to catch her eyes in those spare seconds, Maria knew that look he gave, his pleading eyes told her everything.

“I need you”.

Maria felt her eyes droop as the stress of the situation finally caught up to her and she knew no more as she felt herself be pulled to unconsciousness. 

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The ARK was permeated with tension and quietude the past couple weeks. It was like the atmosphere itself was affecting the residents of the ARK as almost everyone aboard the ship was in low spirits. Gerald had been released from the infirmary a while ago, he hadn’t been too harmed by the glass the day of the incident, however the doctors and nurses didn’t want to risk anything as the scientists was still a fragile old man. He was eager to leave the recovery room as soon as he could, he had so much work to do concerning Shadow.

The enclosure had been rebuilt from the ground up, it was double reinforced to prevent such an incident from happening again. The windows and walls held strong as Shadow was monitored in the large room. He had slept for quite a while after the event due to all the sedatives that were carelessly shot into him. Gerald had reprimanded the two scientists of his endlessly for their actions.

 He understood the situation was not the easiest to deal with but he couldn’t have his team panicking the way these two did if such an incident was to occur again. Training would have to be implemented to any new personnel hired into his team. 

The old scientist was busy working on blueprints for what he hoped would be the final version of his device to help Shadow, the perfect inhibitor rings that would perfectly cap off Shadow's immense power and prevent any further mutations. Gerald ignored any advice from his teammates to take a break, he was quite engrossed in his notes and wanted the prints to be just right.

As his brain stormed with new ideas to add to the inner workings of the rings but  his mind ended up wandering to his granddaughter. Maria had recovered from the incident, he terribly regretted putting the girl in the situation. She could have seriously been hurt, Gerlad couldn’t have foreseen the events playing out as they did but he was her guardian and should've known better. 

However it perturbed the old man when he instructed she was to go nowhere near Shadows enclosure until he deemed it safe, she readily agreed with his command which was so unlike her. Such a prospect would usually have her arguing with the scientist for hours. Maria was a sickly thing but she could really stand her ground when pushed enough. 

He knew how close his granddaughter had become to his project, the two were kind of like siblings in the way they would act. Shadow could be quite the troublemaker when he wanted to be and annoyed Maria sometimes until she was begging the old man to put him back in the labs, and other times she’d be scolding the scientist for checking in on them so much when Maria had Shadow hiding in her accommodations. He’d find them in a makeshift pillowfort doing who knows what in the mountain of pillows. Usually Maria was styling his quills and decorating them with whatever adorable trinkets she owned. 

He missed how elated he saw Maria with Shadow's presence, he hoped that this experience hadn’t deterred the girl from wanting to see shadow. Gerald would allow her to do so in time but he himself felt uneasy with Shadows' new state and knew his scientists and himself needed time to adjust. 

Maria didn’t know what she was doing as she lay face planted down in her bed. In the time since Shadow had been provoked and nearly attacked those scientists, she couldn’t bring herself to even try and see him. Every time she thought about it her heart would begin thumping faster in her chest, she thought about Shadows looming and intimidating presence when he was up so close to the glass. His gigantic claw as the windows fractured from his immense weight leaning on them. The way she could feel her entire body vibrate at the strength of his footfalls.

Shadow was dangerous now, there was no denying that. He was always dangerous before, Gerald always reminded the girl of the immense power Shadow had lying dormant, but he never used it on or around her. The most she’d see was his chaos energy flickering when he was having a tantrum, but this never put the absolute trepidation in her that the gigantic Shadow from a few weeks ago did. 

This was stupid Maria decided, as she sat up on her bed. She turned to her wall that was full of doodles she’d put up with some tape. It was mostly drawings of things she’d wanted to do when she got to earth someday, she took note of the one drawing that was Shadows. She had to beg the hog to let her put it up as he was quite self conscious about his artistic abilities at the time. It wasn’t the best drawing in the world but she loved it because it was a crude drawing of Shadow and herself. Maria was honoured to be the muse of the artistic piece and treasured the little piece of paper.  

Fear of the monstrous hedgehog or not, she missed him. 

She felt guilt build in her chest, she’d been avoiding the hedgehog for so long now. A strong wave of determination overwhelmed her guilt as she tried to gain the persistence to make action. Shadow was her friend and he wasn’t himself during that incident. She recalled his face when she managed to catch a look back at him before she was carted right to the infirmary. 

Maria wished she told him she was right there and it would be okay. There was no reason she couldn’t do that now though. Apart from her grandfather catching her in the act and grounding her for life. Honestly though, being grounded felt better than the guilt currently swarming in her chest. 

Whilst she’d only been to the enclosure once, the trek there the first time had been so cemented in her mind it was no problem making her way there again. Maria had to deter a few scientists that passed her direction and questioned what she was up to and if she was okay which she appreciated. She didn’t want them immediately reporting her presence to Gerald so she kept the conversation light and simple. 

She got a bit sneaky when she got to the labs, keeping herself discreet behind some crates full of things she couldn’t identify. When the coast was clear she found herself face to face with the corridor, the same corridor that allowed a view into the enclosure. Maria felt her heart beginning to pump faster and her palms get sweaty. She wanted to scream at her fear and tell it to pipe down but she remembered her grandfather once telling her fear is an irrational thing, Maria had every reason to be afraid but she just didn’t want to be. 

Her heels clicked as she took slow paced steps down the corridor, her mouth felt dry as she noticed the windows were good as new. No evidence that a feverish giant hedgehog had previously tore a hole through them. Speaking of the giant hedgehog, Maria was greeted by his presence as she stood a couple feet from the windows. She wasn’t frozen in place like she was last time but she couldn’t help but stand in awe of his stature. 

He looked much better compared to the pale and sickly hedgehog she saw before. His breathing looked much better, his crimson scales were practically shining anew and his quills looked strong and healthy. Maria could only spy the behind of his head as he lay turned away from her, he was quite a thing to behold.

Maria hadn’t even realised she walked over and put her hands to the glass. It was only when she saw his head perk up and look toward her did she quickly remove herself from the window and return his stare. How did he know she was there?

There was a stare off for a moment as it seemed like Shadow couldn’t believe she was actually there. She felt her cheeks heat up as she was sure she looked quite silly. Suddenly she watched as the hedgehog rose to his hind legs and moved himself to a corner of the enclosure. It was a part of the giant room that was lightly obscured from view of the observation platform unless Maria walked herself down the corridor a bit more. Was Shadow trying to hide himself? From her? 

Her fear began to fizzle a little, instead replaced by curiosity. The giant hedgehog began to curl into himself, it looked like he was trying to make himself smaller, he was failing unfortunately. It was a sad sight and Maria felt her insides shrivel, in all this time she was wallowing in her inability to not be afraid, to be stronger, it hadn’t even occurred to her what this change felt like to Shadow. 

She couldn’t imagine what it was like to see the world change around you only for your body to be the only thing to change, and for everything to become unaccustomed to yourself. But there Shadow was trying to gain some semblance of control, clearly trying to not frighten the poor blond girl by his mere existence. 

She needed to get down there. 

Maria hurried down the corridor, forgetting her previous efforts to be sneaky and avoid attention.  She whipped her head around the environment and her observation was rewarded with some stairs leading down the platform towards the enclosure, she spied some steel doors at the bottom which she was sure led inside.

The blond girl wasted no time sprinting down the steps, she was hit with a bit of clarity to slow down when a wave of dizziness passed over her,  she was then greeted with a code box next to the doors. She really hoped her grandfather would never change the password, it was so easy to guess it honestly felt kind of cruel the little effort she put when she entered her birthdate. 

Maria was annoyed when she felt that little twinge of fear come back as she entered the enclosure. Unlike the windows there were still clear huge claw markings maimed on the other side of the doors and walls, it seemed Gerald and his team hadn’t had time yet to sort it out and it was a good reminder to Maria that she wasn’t supposed to be in there yet. 

The rest of the enclosure looked the same as the last time she was introduced to it, but honestly her memories of the enclosure were so repressed she couldn’t accurately compare. It was still the same gigantic empty room except there was a giant hedgehog huddling in one of the corners of it.

Shadow was really trying to put himself in that corner. He looked absolutely dismayed that Maria had actually come into the room, he did what he could to make himself look as least threatening as possible as he lay on his front and covered his head with his arms. If Maria didn’t know any better she’d say the monstrous hedgehog was afraid of her.

“Shadow?” Maria called out, she gaped at the black hedgehog as he seemed to flinch at her voice. She heard a whine rumble from out of him and it tore at the heart.

The blond girl wondered what to do, Shadow was clearly distressed by her presence. She didn’t want someone coming by only to catch her in here before she could make things right. 

She trudged dubiously to the giant hedgehog as his whines pitched up, there was one of his claws covering up his large head. It was just as big and petrifying as the last time she was approached with the claw, it hit Maria why he’d even put his hand to the glass last time. He wanted her, he always wanted her when he was upset, even if he could be obstinate with his affection he always held it out towards her. She wanted to facepalm at the fact she let her fear overwhelm her so much that she didn’t realise it sooner.

Maria took her own palm to his oversized claw, his scales felt so smooth as she began to pet them, she could feel he was trembling slightly, this only ignited her to continue in her efforts. Shadow slowly took the claw she was comforting off his face, she saw his strained expression and saw fat globby tears threatening to roll down his muzzle. Maria wished she could just collect Shadow up into her arms and rock him like she used to but he was way beyond a point where she could even attempt that.

“I’m here, I’m not going anywhere” her heart wasn’t hammering in her chest anymore, rather it beat proudly as she kept her cool and looked up at the massive hedgehog, he kept his hands to himself, clearly he was well informed of what he had done while in the incoherent state he was in previously. He didn’t want Maria to come to harm like she almost had on the observatory. 

“It was an accident, look! Not even a scratch” she emphasised by waving her arms, the little scars where glass had broken her skin begged to differ but Shadow didn’t need to know about that.

The hedgehog sniffled, she watched his face scrunch up as she did so. Maria made an attempt to wipe at the tear on his left cheek that lost its battle trying not to fall. He moved his face away from her slightly, clearly words alone weren’t gonna convince him she meant her words. 

Shadow choked on nothing as Maria marched up to his other claw that happened to be near her, she made an attempt to heave up a finger and curl it around herself. Shadow in response made an attempt to become as still as a statue, did she not realise the danger she was in right now? He was beginning to grow irritated. 

Maria smiled smugly at the hedgehog's incredulousness and curled the finger around herself tighter “I’ve got your hand all to myself now! Are you gonna do anything to stop me?” The girl challenged. 

Shadow brought his snout closer to Maria as he growled in warning at her, she felt his growls vibrate through every nerve in her body but she kept her composure, she noticed how he curled his other fingers around her. It was such a gentle unconscious gesture, it was kind of funny how Shadow could bore such an angry expression while literally cradling her in a claw. 

Her smug smile disappeared as she placed a palm to his thumb. “See, your so annoyed at me but haven’t done anything to hurt me” she pointed out 

Shadow ceased his growls and took a moment to comprehend Maria’s statement. Before she entered his enclosure that day he was lost in his head thinking about the changes to his person, his body felt like a prison. When he moved it made the scientists that took readings of him flinch. If he made a sound they would brace their ears in case he was too loud. It was all so much and happened so fast. He was small and somewhat normal once and suddenly wasn’t.

Then Maria had seen him, his thoughts weren’t coherent then, he had just seen her and wanted nothing more but to be by her side and hear her talk about the things she got up to that day, he’d only realised something was amiss when he felt a throbbing pain in his leg, by then the damage had been done and his massive body had accidentally caused damage to the enclosure and in doing so to Maria and Gerald. 

The old man had greeted him after the fact with apprehension, Shadow knew the scientist was doing his best to not seem afraid but he could just feel it in the way Gerald talked. He was just like the other scientists that flinched and kept away, Gerald could just hide it better

Maria wouldn’t even come see him. He didn’t bother asking about her, why would she want to  after what he did. 

But she was here now, in his claw, by his side like she always said she’d be. 

The thought made his eyes well up again as he brought his head down on the ground at level with Maria, she felt his previously tense claw relax around her as did his entire body. She joined him on the ground as she made an effort to get whatever she could of his muzzle onto her lap, she mostly got a face full of fur but she was the best she could do. 

“Your shedding is going to make people so annoyed” she complained as his muzzle fur clung onto her dress when she moved her torso off his face. She felt a series of vibrations go through her and the floor but then realised he was chuckling. 

“No seriously, you know what, I bet I could ask someone to knit a sweater with all this fur you have now. Think of the possibilities and all the sweaters we could get out of this Shadow” she chatted on.

Shadow had missed her little rambles that tended to tangent onto other things, it was always hard to keep track of but he just loved listening to her talk. He loved Maria. 

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“Maria get off of Shadow this INSTANT” Gerald exasperated.

“I will not. I am perfectly comfortable here and see no reason to come down” Maria replied nonchalantly. 

“Maria I do not have time for your games we are behind schedule on tests and you are in the way, come down” Gerald commanded, Maria could swear a vein was popping out of his bald head. 

“The only way I’m coming down is if someone comes up and gets me” she folded her arms in emphasis. 

Gerald raised his arms in defeat and stomped out of the enclosure, Maria leaned over Shadows red scaly torso to double check he was out before swiping at her forehead, she thought he’d never give up. 

She was feeling quite rebellious when she woke up that day. She wanted to do things her way or the highway, which meant being a good member of society and completing her studies which she guessed wasn’t actually rebellious. 

But it truly kicked in when she was rejected from spending time with Shadow today, Gerald and his scientists had recently been testing out the limits of Shadows chaos energy after applying the finished inhibited rings to Shadows wrists and ankles. Maria told the titanic hedgehog the gold rings made him look snazzy in which Shadow couldn’t help but strike a cool pose down at her. He was so adorable.

But she hadn’t seen him in a couple days and decided now was the time to abuse her power as she formed a one woman strike when she entered into the gigantic room without permission and told Shadow to put her upon his chest. He was so jarred by her confident yet commanding aura that he didn’t protest and simply did as she instructed. 

The argument that ensued between her and Gerald was kind of worth the confusion as the girl had the old man so riled up he simply stormed out of the room. Shadow had no idea Maria held such power to sway the scientist like that, it was usually with a puppy eyed face she had to get her way but that was beginning to get old. 

As she sat on the gigantic hedgehog's chest she was open to his heart hammering in his torso. She could feel it beating right under her, it was accompanied by his breathing which made Maria feel good for some reason. She was always alert on her own breathing in case something was amiss and she needed to report it to the nearest doctor or her grandfather. Maria guessed she felt better knowing Shadow was healthy.

The hedgehog lay spread out with his arms folded and cushioned under his quills. He was at a perfect ease and Maria couldn’t be more than glad to see him as such. 

Shadow had grown to be really confident in interacting with the tiny people around him, Maria could barely remember her previous fear and apprehension at Shadow's stature, he was just so tender in how he held her in his palms. The worst he'd gotten that Maria could recall was when he’d cupped her in his two claws a little two tight but it was an unfortunate quick reaction to Gerald calling her for lunch that had surprised Shadow. He was normally so perceptive to people coming in and out of his enclosure so he was quite embarrassed by the slip up.

Maria saw Shadow's head turn towards the enclosure entrance and did so as well, there stood Gerald, the man’s face was flat as he whipped his head back to the doors behind him, he simply said “Tony get her”.

Tony? That was one of the bio engineers on the project, he was such a lovely fella and treated Shadow so well that he actually gained the privilege of being allowed to touch Shadow, most people would get a growl in response to unwanted

physical contact with the hedgehog. 

She watched as a hulking form sped past Gerald and hopped up onto Shadows tail, Maria released her strike was about to come to an end, she twirled around to her last resort “Shadow! Hide me in your quills! Quick!”.

The giant hedgehog's eyes bore into her for a moment before a smirk spread across Shadows face, his fangs poked out as he shrugged and went back to looking comfortable. Maria was aghast that the hedgehog would do this to her. Tony had made his way to Maria’s spot on Shadows chest and gently lunged for the girl “sorry little miss, got strict orders to getchu outta here so we can get back to work” at least he sounded apologetic. She swore she could feel and hear a rumble from Shadows chest, the traitor had the absolute audacity to laugh at her plight.

Maria’s effort to grab at Shadows chest fur was a feeble effort as she stood no chance against Tony’s muscley form, she was a sickly little girl and she knew it meant she’d be removed from her strike that was against the oppression of doing as you are told. Tony walked towards the doors with Maria in tow as Gerald’s eyes cut into her like knives “to your room young lady”. 

She glanced a look back at the gigantic hedgehog, oh how she loved him but as she learned today, betrayal never came from your enemies.

If anything she guessed she learned something new about herself today. She was a sucker for revenge and Shadow was definitely going to get it once she was ungrounded from whatever punishment Gerald had in store for her 

[ponderingmoonlight]

Gojo Satoru Masterlist

Multi-Chapter Stories

How you ended up as Gojo's fiancé in a fantasy tale masterlist Your life takes a tragic turn as you perish in a car crash, only to awaken in a whimsical world of fantasy with none other than Jujustu Kaisen characters as its main protagonists. But as if that wasn't enough, you're about to marry the prince version of Gojo Satoru. How will you navigate through this world of history and fantasy? Does your life take the same sudden twist of fate as that of your favorite characters?

Opposites Attract Being the daughter of the Zenin clan made it your mission to defeat him. Him, Satoru Gojo, the honored one. Him, who makes your life a living hell. Him, who begins to get so much more than your curse...

One Shots

Touch her and you'll burn Your boyfriend Gojo goes berserk after finding out that Toji kidnapped you.

You saved me After Suguru tried to kill his former girlfriend, Satoru is there to cure your depression.

She is my weakness While you are on the brink of death through Suguru's hands, Satoru realizes just how much you really mean to him.

A word of power When his wife is sent to missions over and over until it visibly gets to her, Gojo decides to do something against it.

Lies in the dark You boyfriend Gojo cheated on you with another woman, leaving you heartbroken. Did he, though?

Keep doing it Satoru loves coming to your office everyday to finally win your heart. But it seems like you're more subborn than he thinks.

Having to share a bed with Satoru Gojo at a love hotel ... no words needed.

Golden girl Satoru Gojo really hates everything about you, especially the fact that you are stronger than him. Is it even possible to get along with you, let alone like you? (Spoiler: yes)

The heart wants what it wants 18+ The farewell of your boyfriend Suguru left a wound so deep that it seems like no one is able to fix it. Is the Satoru Gojo, who's secretly in love with you, able to pick your pieces back together?

Promises you can't keep When Sukuna realizes that you did not only break your oath to wait until he returns back to you but married Gojo Satoru after 1000 years of him waiting for you, he goes insane.

Don't touch her Gojo going berserk when you get injured by a curse

Gojo eavesdropping on his wife when she's talking about him While you kept your relationship with Satoru private, you always admire him when you meet at work. However, when your students ask you about your type in men, you can't help but describe the love of your life who hears every single word

Gojo recklessly flirting with Choso's little sister at Shibuya After being set in Shibuya to distract and exhaust none other than Satoru Gojo, Choso's little sister soon learns that the rumors about his charm are true.

Gojo teasing the heck out of you after realizing you get flustered by his eyes After working with smooth operator Gojo Satoru for years, he slowly but surely began to realize what your true weakness is: his bright blue orbs. And he wouldn't be Satoru Gojo if he wouldn't use that against you...

Gojo's and (y/n)'s son wanting to marry (y/n) no words needed

Gojo going nuts when his students don't believe him that you are his wife When Satoru wears his wedding ring for the first time in front of his students, Nobara can't help but wonder who he's married to. But when Gojo confesses it's you, his students just don't believe him.

Gojo getting flustered by his sweaty wife and smacked at their training session Your beloved husband never fails to beat you without mercy when training together. But this time, something seems to catch his eye - your chance to finally hit him with your best shot.

Megumi accidentaly calling Gojo's wife "mum" no words needed

Gojo calling (y/n) a burden to keep her safe Despite the fact that Satoru Gojo was the one who lifted you up and gave you the confidence to go on your very first solo-mission, it was also him who shattered your confidence in order to keep you safe.

Gojo's wife showing her maniac side when it comes to protecting her precious students (Part 1) Despite Gojo's wife spoke vehemently against sending the first and second years on a way too difficult mission, the elders decided against her suggestion. Her calm and collected self changes drastically when she makes them regret their decicion...

Gojo's wife going berserk in order to protect her students (Part 2) Like your bad feeling already suggested, especially Toge's and Yuji's lives hang on a threat when their mission doesn't go as planned. Good for them that Gojo's wife and their teacher rushes to their side and shows everyone just how much she cares about them.

Gojo's girlfriend being there for Shoko when no one else is Shibuya brings even a strong and collected woman like Shoko down to her knees. Especially when you, the only person who seems to truly care about her, ask her about her well-being when your boyfriend just got sealed....

Gojo dressing up as Santa for his girlfriend, Megumi and Tsumiki Satoru Gojo expected a lot of things, but not his girlfriend and two rescued kids making fun of him after he put on a Santa costume only for them.

Gojo being your enemy (or lover?) Your family told you over and over, pounded it into your head since childhood: Satoru Gojo is your enemy, you are simply not allowed to feel anything but hatred towards the Gojo clan. But why do you find yourself lost in his arms each and every night, begging him to love you right?

Gojo buying (y/n) souvenirs after every mission and finding out she kept EVERYTHING Since your joyful smile is so addictive, Satoru can't help but buy you a souvenir every time he goes on a mission. After a few months, he realizes by accident that you do, in fact, keep everything he gifts you...

Geto's little sister finding out her husband got sealed by her big brother You thought you lost him forever, your big brother. Until Shibuya brings you back to reality, until your beloved husband gets sealed by none other than your dead big brother. Until you show your enemy what you're made off...

Gojo's wife supposedly getting executed by kicking ass instead When Sibuya is finally over, you find yourself facing none other than the elders who want to execute you. Little do they know you are no one to be messed with, that even without your husband by your side, you are a true threat if you want to...

Satoru Gojo purposely keeping the scar you gave him When his skin gets busted by your sheer excitement, it doesn't feel right to Satoru to use his reversed technique and simply heal.

Gojo's and (y/n)'s daughter buying a prom dress for her mum because she never had one When you told your little one about the fact that you never got to wear a prom dress, it was clear for your husband and daughter they needed to change that for your birthday.

(y/n) comforting her husband after he was forced to kill his best friend The man who seems goofy all day, who never takes anything serious breaks down in his wife's arms after he killed his best friend.

Satoru Gojo trying to make bun with his daughter's kinky hair It always looked so easy to him, the way you put your thick hair into the most breathtaking hairstyles. But when his daughter asked him to do a sleek bun on her, he was confronted with the stinging fact how difficult styling kinky hair can be. But that doesn't stop the dad of the year from learning... (POC reader!)

Reader going from being Gojo's lover to being his worst enemy You were always the perfect girlfriend for Satoru Gojo: innocent, quiet and weak. Until something inside you snapped. Until you decided you don't want to be weak anymore. Until you realized that Satoru Gojo isn't your lover, but your enemy...

Gojo's daughter insisting on him brushing her hair because he's so gentle You are pretty suprised when your daughter insists on your husband brushing her hair depite the fact that this is normally your job. Until you find out why...

Reader finishing Gojo's missions for him when he's sick and he finds out When your husband falls sick, you don't think twice about completing all of his tasks in order for him to not be stressed - even if it means multiple sleepless nights for youself. Little did you know that your husband will find out about it and thank you in his own way…

Realizing your true feelings for Gojo when he stands up for you You told yourself countless times that you aren't able to like Gojo Satoru, that he is nothing but a jerk. Until he stands up for you, until he shows you what he really thinks of you...

I Love You When I Drink Champagne In the late hours, with champagne in hand, Gojo’s teasing fades into something deeper. Beneath city lights and whispered confessions, you begin to wonder if his midnight promises mean more than he’ll ever admit in daylight.

[le-fruit-de-la-passion]

Does a bad ending ruin a good story? A comprehensive guide to my feelings on the Arcane finale

*Spoilers for Arcane season 2*

So. You just finished the show, and you're staring at the screen in bewilderment. Perhaps you’re even with some friends, shouting words of confusion to the rolling credits. Try as you might, you can barely hear them, because a single thought echoes in your mind and pushes away any other:

“What the fuck just happened?”

If this happened to you, then boy oh boy, we're on the same boat. If it didn't, well, I'm glad for you friend! We might not have been looking for the same things from this story. But this is my post, meaning I will give my opinions (which are objectively correct because this is my blog and I'm the mayor here) on everything that Arcane broke and failed to deliver in its last 2 episodes.

Let's start with characters, and why none of it mattered.

Jinx symbolized the fear we all have of not belonging somewhere, of not having anything to call home or anyone to call a family. Her anger stemmed from wanting to carve a place in a society and a world that had so harshly rejected her (i.e., Vi leaving her). Her existence was a huge middle finger to all that refused to let her live, a fight to build herself something wholeheartedly hers (hence her being an inventor). It was proof that despite the world telling her she was better off dead, she would never stop fighting to prove it wrong.

… and she died.

She died, and that means all the suffering she went through to exist simply amounted to nothing. She left nothing behind either, no trace of a legacy, something that would have left her mark on that world. Isha, the child she raised as a daughter, died. Silco, who she taught love and care to, died. Vander, who she brought back from years of trauma and torture, died. Jinx fought so hard to live, and in the end, it was as if she hadn't lived at all.

Viktor is most certainly the character that made me the angriest, because of how attached I am to the person he is in season 1 (and even the first two acts of season 2 to an extent). Everything that made him so beautifully complex… gone, in about 10 minutes. There was NO reason to make him the surprise ultimate villain. Viktor had always, always been a pacificist. That's why he was so adamant Hextech not be used as a weapon. That's why every time there were chances to test hextech to hurt, he tried to learn how it could heal. Yes, his fusion with the hexcore had changed him; but NOT into a man who didn't care for human life. He wanted to help all the hurt done to his people. People like him, living day to day in the undercity, but who had never gotten a chance to crawl out of their hell. His community was about HEALING, not controlling. The very IDEA that he would accept killing innocents and ally with Noxus, the warmongers, is so ridiculous I could genuinely laugh if it didn't make me so angry. The show needed an easy, black-and-white showdown to conclude a story that would have needed so much more time to tell. And they chose Viktor. Because it was the easy way out. It was the perfect foil to the return of the Golden Boy. And that PISSES me off.

There is this really shitty concept in popular media that the handicapped/chronically ill character is always in the pursuit of being “cured” and that they need outside help to realize “that their imperfections make them perfect”. Fuck. You. As someone with chronic illness and who just finished beating blood cancer, fuck you. That realization, that you're you with every part of your being, even the ‘bad’ ones, cannot come from outside. It's YOU who needs to learn it. It's you who needs to discover how your body and your mind are so much stronger than you previously thought them to be. Not your lover, your family, your friends, or God forbid your able-bodied lab partner. You. Others may tell you as many times as they want your illness doesn't define you; it won't matter until you, yourself, have understood why and have accepted it. Having someone swoop in and “fix” Viktor with a “you don't have to change uwu” is just….. so reductive I can barely find the words for it. That was VIKTOR’S path to find, and not Jayce’s role to find it for him.

Also… Viktor wasn't trying to ‘fix’ his leg; he was trying to find a cure to a deadly illness ravaging his body and no doubt the bodies of many in Zaun. The HELL is the message here??? That he should have just rolled with it because the deadly illness was part of him??? Again, as a cancer survivor. Fuck right off.

Of course, I can't just ignore the hideous get-up they put him in at the end. The man who laughed at Jayce's narcissism….you want me to believe… he would put on that fucking edge lord costume and not DIE of embarrassment??? The design makes no sense from a narrative standpoint either: if his cane has become the sceptre, why is he still keeping it? He doesn't need it anymore to walk, and it's a reminder of his weaknesses as a human that he apparently hated so much. Why the hell does he keep it then? And the hexclaw. Where did that bad boy come out from?? Did you all see a secret extra bonus scene where he steals it from the lab, because I sure didn't. It doesn't add anything to his sets of powers either it’s… it's a fucking laser gun. WHY. And oh sweet god that mask… there would have been so many ways of designing a mask more meaningful than the one from LoL. This one is just. A piece of metal he spawned in embryo. Get it? Because he's made of metal now and also hiding his face means no more humanity? Get it?? Of fucking course you do, because this was the easiest and worst possible way they could have integrated the mask.

Viktor and Jayce had a fantastic dynamic in that Viktor had started out as the loner, the underdog scientist from the slums; while Jayce was the leader figure, living in comfort that made him attachingly naive, his face plastered on posters stroking his ego. The shift is delightfully slow, as Viktor gains in confidence and determination to see his invention through no matter what, while Jayce is confronted with harsher and harsher truths about the world he so blissfully ignored. By Act 2, they have fully switched roles: Viktor is now the leader figure, a symbol of the future for the people, while Jayce is desperately alone, both physically in the hexcore anomaly, and mentally in being the only one who has seen the devastating future. Excellent stuff. What would be a great way to push these parallels further and to show the complexity of these characters, and perhaps how they can balance each other out? Well, Fortiche sure didn't know, now Viktor is the bad bad guy and Jayce is mister hero. Zaun bad, Piltover good. All nuance, gone. Proving that indeed, the man from poverty and inequality turns out evil, while the one from comfort and wealth turns out to be the hero of the story. The whole “giving a warm speech to the bad villain about how you care for them, somehow immediately changing their ways, and dying together to save the world” can work well in shounen anime where friendship is magic, or in the Ben 10 live-action movie (yes, that's the plot, I thought that wasn't deep when I was like 7 years old so imagine now), but not in a show like Arcane. Not with the ethical and moral nuances they have accustomed us to.

And now, let's explore...

Plotholes and incomplete storylines galore.

Ekko’s tree and the contamination of Zaun from Piltover? Fuck that. The huge showdown between the two opposite yet sister cities, like Jinx and Vi, that has been built up for two seasons? Fuck that. And for what?

For the Noxus sequel teaser.

Mel’s plotline about finding her mage origins had NOTHING to do with the main plot. Absolutely nothing. It added 0 twists or intrigues to the story, and served no purpose except making her a deus ex machina for a broken ending. All it was there for was to lay the base for a following show on Noxus and the Black Rose. Time that could have been spent either giving Mel a proper arc related to the plot, or giving all the other rushed character arcs more development.

Finally, and I deeply regret having to say this, but… the end of Vi and Cait's relationship was majorly disappointing to me. As an LGBTQ+ person myself, who feels attraction to women, it was a delight to have such a realistically portrayed w/w relationship on screen. Popular media tends to portray m/m relationships as these doomed, sinful feelings between two repressed guys, while w/w relationships are shown to just be all sunshine and rainbows and teddy bears, because two women together are a cute little accessory to have on screen. It’s non-threatening. But not Cait and Vi; their bond was raw, and rocky, with violent lows and passionate highs in a world that seemed to want to keep them apart. Their separation and the introduction of Maddie showed the reality of a w/w relationship, where fights and cheating ARE things that happen, because they're two adult women with different beliefs, objectives, an trauma. Putting them back together, as if nothing had happened, without giving us anything about how their relationship would have evolved from the breakup? I'd never thought I'd say this, but it's too easy. How about Caitlyn's literal descent into fascism??? We’ll just ignore that? Vi will just ignore that?

As with everything else, this last part of Arcane destroys all the complex emotions that exist between these characters, the resentment, the anger, the frustration, built upon years of different social conditioning… gone. Because they had 2 episodes left to wrap it up, and there was no way to make a coherent and natural transition to them getting back together with that kind of time. And can I just say. The decision to have Vi, symbol of Zaun, go down on Caitlyn, symbol of Piltover and enforcers, in a prison cell that has held innocent Zaunites and represents their complete lack of freedom as individuals by a cop state that oppresses them….. yeah, bad. So bad.

And… the multiverse. Yup, they went the multiverse route. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing: the concept of multiverses itself is interesting in a vacuum, and quite a few properties have managed to make it work coherently. But it has been terribly overused and bastardized in serialized content in the last few years, for the simple reason that it's extremely practical. Why make a new, original series when you already have worlds and characters that are developed, and come with built-in fans? It's a money-saving hack! Why dedicate yourself to an ending that is meaningful in its finality and wraps the story properly when you can just say “It's just one ending in the multiverse!”. It takes away any accountability to the fans, and leaves the door open to a potential other version of the story! The perfect combo!

…except in practice, it comes off as lazy in a medium where that trope is overly saturated (don't start me on Marvel), and like a cowardly way of escaping from the responsibility of really taking the time to craft a good, solid ending to end your story.

So, with all that said: does it ruin Arcane for me? No, absolutely not, and I don’t think it should be for you either. The intricate artistry and raw talent that went into making the first season (and I would say a majority of the two first acts of season 2) is undeniable, and will stay undeniable. Nothing can touch that story. It will forever be one of my favourite pieces of animated media, which is saying a lot because I'm currently getting my master's degree on that topic.

However, it does give Arcane, as a whole rather than two separate seasons/entities, a very bittersweet feeling that is hard to forget. Thinking of what could have been, just if a little more time had been given to the minds behind the masterpiece you so loved… it's its own form of heartbreak. Academics have even compared it to experiencing a form of death of a loved one, before they ever got to reach their fullest potential and live the life they deserved. It may sound dramatic, but the feelings you feel in this moment, watching the horrible end of a fiction you have so much love for, are real. No one can take those away from you. You're allowed to grieve the loss of something that meant a lot to you.

Tldr; No, Arcane is not a bad series because of its rushed and incomprehensible ending. As they say, it's all about the journey, not the destination, even if that's one of the parts we tend to remember the most. And I don't know about you, but this was one of the best journeys I've ever been on.

[moghedien]

lae'zel, permission, and what she actually wants

the thing about Lae'zel is that she's always looking to someone to give her permission

basically her entire life up until the beginning of the game has been a fight to be allowed to live. she has to prove she's better than her peers. she has to prove that she's worthy of fighting for Vlaakith. hell, even when she was an egg, she would have had to prove she was worthy of hatching because if she'd been a bit late she wouldn't have even been allowed a chance.

she doesn't really do anything unless its what her goddess and her society allows and she'll do exactly what is prescribed. she bristles at any attempts to find a cure for the tadpoles that aren't going to the creche because that is what she is supposed to do as a good githyanki. anything else is a deviation from what is allowed, even if it might work.

so you look at her romance through that lens, it really sort of pulls everything together.

In the act one scene, she's still following the rules like a good devoted of Vlaakith. She will sleep with you one or two times if you ask her to, but will bristle at anything more than that. She's a totally typical normal githyanki after all (she isn't), and it isn't normal for githyanki to have any kind of serious romantic relationships. "love" isn't even a real thing, and is just a strange mental illness that cowards use as an excuse (all of these are things she actually believes at the beginning of the game based on various bits of banter and dialogue where she's reflecting retroactively on her previous beliefs). Straight up, anything beyond casual sex is not allowed, so she doesn't even question it as an option.

Then by the time you get to the Act 2 romance scene, Lae'zel's entire world has been upturned for unrelated reasons. She did everything as she was supposed to and nothing she wasn't and Vlaaktih betrayed her. Her entire culture and society betrayed her despite her never doing anything without their permission.

It seems like she is somewhat quick to accept that and switch her allegiance. Her entire existence was because Vlaakith gave her permission to exist, and then Vlaakith betrayed her no matter how devoted she was. So Vlaakith is a liar and she learns that Orpheus is a possible answer to solve the Vlaakith problem, so now she's committed to Orpheus.

It seems like a quick turn, but if you look at Lae'zel as someone who needs permission, then it makes more sense. Vlaakith can't give her that anymore, so she needs someone else to tell her how to live, so that becomes Orpheus, who of course conveniently isn't there to actually tell her to do anything. So she does as Voss says to try to save him and that becomes her entire life motivation. Because what else can she possibly do? She needs someone's permission to decide how to move on now.

By the time you get the Act 2 romance scene, Lae'zel is on this path, right? If you look at the actual Act 2 romance scene, its basically her asking for permission again. Not in the way you'd immediately expect, because while she is asking like, your permission to develop your relationship into something further, its not just you she needs permission from. She needs her societal expectations to give both of you permission.

To elaborate, you're a fucking wrench in all her expectations of what is right. You were supposed to be a one or two night casual fuck, and then she went and got fixated with you. She calls it an obsession. She says its bothering her more than Vlaakith's betrayal, more than her people hunting her, more than the worm in her head. Those are all problems that she has some instruction on how to address. You, she has no fucking clue what to do about. Rebel githyanki aren't exactly giving instructions on how to pursue romantic relationships with people while planning on how to take down Vlaakith. Even if they are more lenient and accepting of those kinds of attachments (which we have no idea if they are or not), she hasn't been around any of them long enough to figure that out.

In her feelings for you, she's confronted with feelings that to her culture are perverse and which she has no societal context for. Even if there was someone who might give her the go ahead to pursue that relationship, she has no idea who they might be. She's someone who's entire life has revolved around what she has permission to do within her society, and she finds herself drawn to do something that she has no way of even figuring out how to approach in an acceptable way.

And despite all of that, and all the complications around what asking more from you would mean from a githyanki standpoint, she still gets to a point where she wakes you up in the middle of the night and begs you to do something about it.

She's frantic and confused and its clear she doesn't even really know what she wants from you, so she asks you to prove yourself and fight her. Its not because she thinks you're too weak for her. She admits she finds you strong the first time she comes onto you. Alternatively, she basically negs you after having sex with her by calling you weak and a coward and she is more than pleased to have sex with you again after doing so. Strength or weakness has nothing to do with why she needs you to fight her.

She needs you to fight her because that's how she's always had to prove herself worthy of existence. Her entire life has been a series of peers and comrades she had to fight in order to prove that she could go on. So when she doesn't know what else to do about you and there's nothing else to tell her how to proceed, she needs you to fight and prove that you (and her) can go on.

But the thing about the duel you have, is that the outcome doesn't actually matter. Regardless, it does give her what she needs to know to go on your relationship, but not in any ways she expected. Regardless if you win or she does, she gets overwhelmed and realizes that she wants you and she wants you to want her. Something definitely starts to shift in her mindset after the fight.

If you win, she's alarmed by the contradiction that she should feel ashamed for having lost. If you lose, she's alarmed by the contradiction of feeling no joy in having beaten you. She realizes that she doesn't want to be doing the thing she's supposed to do (fight to prove her worth) and instead wants to protect you. She also says that she wants you to protect her, which is something that she only says if you lose the fight, which I think is notable and makes the shift a bit more obvious.

Because she only says it if you lose. You lost. You just showed you were weaker than her. And she still wants you to protect her. By all githyanki standards, you shouldn't even be worthy of living if you couldn't win the fight, but she not only doesn't want to see you hurt, but she wants you to see that she doesn't get hurt. Not only should this not make sense because you lost, but it is maybe the first time Lae'zel has admitted she doesn't want to have to rely only on her own strength. She wants to rely on you, even if you're weaker and couldn't beat her in a fight. That challenges everything she has ever believed in her life probably as much as being betrayed by Vlaakith did.

If you win the fight, she doesn't admit that, but I think the sentiment is still there. It just isn't something that she has to directly confront in the moment because you proved that you can protect her. In that instance, she's coming to terms more with the fact that she should feel weaker or ashamed but isn't. In either instance, she was asking for permission from her ideals on how to deal with the You problem. In either instance, she's confronted with something that challenges that. Either you fail to meet the expectations she thought she had, and she finds out she doesn't care, or she fails to meet the expectations of a githyanki soldier and she finds out she doesn't care. Because either way, she figures out she wants you more than she wants to be the good githyanki that does what she's supposed to and act like she's supposed to act. Being "obsessed" with you should be perverse and wrong, but she embraces it whether she has permission (from her society) to do so or not. That is an extremely big deal.

And even before we get into Act 3, there are some interesting beats here about Lae'zel's romance in Act 2 still. One of the two things I want to discuss is the kissing. After the main Act 2 romance scene, you get new dialogue options, including asking her to kiss you.

This is kinda where we get into my opinions on the best choices to make with her romance, and I'm aware that these are my opinions and people deciding to do other things isn't incorrect. I'm pointing this out because I'm gonna start talking a lot about choices soon and which ones I think are the best thematically and from a character standpoint. They are my opinions. You are allowed to disagree. I will however be defending and arguing my opinions here. You don't have to get angry or defensive if you did something else or don't agree with my conclusions.

Now, back to kissing Lae'zel. The notable thing about asking Lae'zel to kiss you is that her initial reaction is embarrassment. It's somewhat of a turn from how she is open about talking about your sexual encounters before this. The entire fight scene, which may have ended up with the two of you making out in the middle of camp until it faded to black, was seemingly in front of everyone and she had no concern about that.

Kissing just out of the blue though? She's shy about that.

Because just kissing for no reason is soft and pointless, really (and if you watch the Lae'zel kissing animations, they are all in fact very soft and sweet). You don't really need to do it. Before hand with the sex and whatnot, she fully has arguments about why that was ok and even beneficial for the overall task at hand. Soft little kissing though? There's no reason to do that unless she wants to. Hence her embarrassment.

Now, she won't kiss you in Act 2 when you ask because of her embarrassment. Not unless you persuade her to do it. You only have to persuade her once and if you succeed, the first time she is clearly nervous and looks around uncomfortably. In all honesty, it seems somewhat uncomfortable to persuade her especially given her initial reaction. I do, however, think its the best thing to do for her.

Yes, she's uncomfortable. She's uncomfortable with your entire relationship now because she's has no experience even knowing about a situation like this and from a githyanki standpoint, affectionately kissing in public for no reason is basically outing yourselves as being perverts. She also very, very clearly wants it. The way you persuade her, is by pointing out that she probably wants this. And if you succeed in pointing that out to her, she is smiling and afterward when you ask her to kiss she is clearly happy and very soft about it all.

If you don't persuade her, I believe you can still kiss her without the check if you wait until after the Act 3 scene, so she is clearly comfortable with it at some point. Persuading her might seem like you're pushing her past her comfort zone. That's honestly why I didn't do it for a while. But looking at how she reacts after the fact and what happens after, I do feel like its not so much pushing her out of her comfort zone. Its more challenging her to push against her initial ideas of what she thinks she should do and instead encouraging her to do what she wants. More on that later.

The other romance beat that happens in Act 2 occurs some time after the main scene in camp, when she get about as vulnerable as she's been yet. She asks you for softness. She wants to be with you and she doesn't want the rough, passionate, hedonistic type of night that has been all of your relationship up until this point. She asks for gentleness, softness, and she's terrified. She says outright that its terrifying for her to ask this and she's been working up the courage to do so.

This is meaningful in multiple ways, because its not only a sign that your physical relationship is becoming something more than just sex. Its a sign of how much Lae'zel has changed. Because Lae'zel is someone who needs permission in everything. Up until this point, we haven't seen her ask for permission, she simply waited for her betters to give it to her and denied herself if they didn't. When it was someone who isn't above her, she makes demands. She doesn't ask permission. Ever. Now she outright asking you for permission to be gentle and soft. She didn't just need to build up the courage to be soft. She needed to build up the courage to ask to be allowed something she wanted.

As I stated before, I think Lae'zel's instinct is to not take into account what she actually wants, but to just go ahead with whatever she thinks she's supposed to do. That's how she was raised and indoctrinated after all. Gently pushing against her first reactions to things allows her a chance to push against that instinct of behaving how she was indoctrinated to behave. I think her asking for a softer touch is a sign of this changing for her. The Act 3 scene is even more so.

The Act 3 romance scene is sort of the height of Lae'zel's character growth. One thing that makes me sort of sad is that I feel like you don't really get to see the fullness of her character unless you romance her. That's true with other characters I've romanced so far to some extent, but not as much as with Lae'zel.

But here you romanced Lae'zel, so you get to see her admitting how much her perceptions have changed because of you helping her see things differently. She has different perspectives and she finds beauty and bliss in things she used to find dread in. She loathed the sun, and now drags you to a roof top just to stare at it coming over the horizon (please don't stare into the sun). She finds herself liking Faerun and the colors in it. She admits all of this before she brings up what she actually wanted to talk to you about.

Lae'zel has no terms in which to describe your relationship. She doesn't know about dating (or courting) or marriage and she doesn't actually even know what the word love means. She doesn't ever say the word until six months later in the epilogue, but what she's describing to you on how she feels is without a doubt love and what she's asking of you is more or less marriage. She doesn't have the terms or any cultural context to make it easier to ask, but she wants you to stay with her, whatever happens. That's the only way she can really describe it. Staying with her. Because even if you've only actually known each other a short time, you might be the most constant thing she's ever had in her life, and she's probably terrified of what it means when the Absolute is dealt with and there is no mission keeping you together. She isn't asking for permission now to stay with you, but is asking for you to stay with her. Where you might be and doing what, who knows, but she is for the first time just pursuing something she wants that she hasn't been given explicit permission for beforehand.

And then, we get to saving Orpheus.

This is where my thoughts might get controversial, but as I said, you're free to disagree but I'm arguing for my ideas here.

I'm not sure how any of this changes if you go a different route in the final parts of the game, so I can really only speak on the options you get if you saved Orpheus and he became Illithid.

So you do the thing that Lae'zel has been lead to believe she needs to do and free Orpheus. I personally cannot blame the man's attitude given his being imprisoned for who the fuck knows how long and the fact that he is still willing to sacrifice himself. However, it is clear that he is perhaps not quite as understanding as Voss lead you to believe he would be. Given that he tells you that you should have let his guard kill you if you were actually on the same side as him, which notably would have doomed everyone and lead to the Absolute's victory. But again, centuries of imprisonment, we cannot blame the guy.

The point I want to make with bringing that up at all, is that, even in these little bits of conflict that don't really amount to anything in game, its a crack in the ideal of Orpheus. He isn't every grand thing that Voss promised you and Lae'zel he would be. He's not bad here and gives us no reason to think he is, but its a crack. Lae'zel didn't have any reason to doubt Vlaakith or see her imperfections until it was too late, after all. I'm not saying the two are equals, but Lae'zel went from worshipping an evil false-goddess to holding up that goddess's enemy in similar reverence in a shockingly short amount of time. The girl jumped from a cult that worshipped one powerful figure to a radical rebel movement that held up another. And we immediately see little tiny cracks in the facade of Orpheus.

Lae'zel won't. Lae'zel doesn't know how to be anything but utterly devoted to the highest figure of authority she sees as worthy to follow. Lae'zel won't know to be wary. But you should be wary as fuck about what Orpheus is going to ask of her.

Cut to the end. We win, the absolute is defeated, yay! Mind Flayer Orpheus is asking Lae'zel to kill him and take up his mantle and lead his rebellion against Vlaakith.

In that moment, you have really two options. Technically there are multiple dialogue options, but really there are two. You can let her go (and potentially go with her) or you can persuade her to stay. If you tell her to do what she wants, she and you will leave on dragons to fight the rebellion against Vlaakith.

I do not think this is what Lae'zel wants.

When Orpheus is giving her this duty, she doesn't look happy about it. She just finished the single most traumatic event of her life, which turned everything upside down and completely shook who she is as a person. Now she is being handed what she had said she wanted. The means to free her people and defeat Vlaakith. She has a silver sword. She's being given not one, but two red dragons. And she just looks fucking sad. She looks exhausted as Orpheus is commanding her to do this.

She is someone who has never lived a life where she was able to want her own goals or life. She was Vlaakith's. Now she's being ordered to carry Orpheus's legacy. And I do believe she wants to stop Vlaakith and save her people from her control. But she is being given all of the burden of doing so and commanded to begin immediately upon completing her previous ordeal.

Lae'zel has been following orders her entire life. She isn't one to even consider what she actually wants and instead does what she thinks she's supposed to do. So when Orpheus tells her to do this, she is going to obey the authority figure like she was been indoctrinated into doing. When you ask her what she wants, she will say you're coming with her because she's at least broken away enough to do that but not to consider that she doesn't want to go.

Gently pushing against Lae'zel's immediate reactions, as I said, is I think the way to get her honest, genuine desires. If you persuade her to stay and disobey Orpheus, she does seem suddenly energized. She will then say that her destiny is not for Vlaakith or Orpheus to decree. Her destiny is hers alone. Neither Vlaakith nor Orpheus will give her permission to do that, but you can. She doesn't obey you. You aren't an authority figure and you have probably shown yourself to be weaker than her at several points in the game. But you still give her permission to choose her life and she accepts that.

And this, is how you break the Lae'zel out of the cycle that she finds herself. in. The only way she isn't perpetually bowing down to some authority figure is if she stays in Faerun. Because she escaped the authority of Vlaakith and immediately went to Orpheus, who now she can't even escape because he's dead and she is the one holding up his legacy on his behalf. She can't choose to leave once she's accepted that responsibility, and she frankly does not look like she wants to accept that responsibility.

If she stays on Faerun, she is still fighting Vlaakith. Not only because she is literally hunting down and murdering Vlaakith's forces, but she's living completely free of Vlaakith's influence in a way she couldn't otherwise. She isn't living under Vlaakith's rules, nor having to live in direct antagonism to Vlaakith's rules by forming a new society from scratch for the githyanki. She's just living. Occasionally going and massacring Vlaakith's soldiers as a means of survival, but otherwise just living how she wants and with who she wants. And in theory, she could go and join the rebellion proper any time in the future. If she stays, her future isn't certain, and that, I think, is the best thing for her.

In the epilogue, if you are with her on Faerun, its clear she doesn't really let herself rest still. She busies herself (and you) by tracking down Vlaakith's forces to eradicate, and she tells you of another one she found, noting that she can't rest for long. You have the option to push against this gently, suggesting taking some time off. No persuasion needed. She not only agrees to take some time off, but she immediately has a vacation suggestion which she has clearly been looking into and is excited to check out. But Lae'zel is not someone who is going to consider what she actually wants. She's going to suggest what she thinks she should be doing, but with some gentle push back, will let you know what she actually wants.

Because you're not really rejecting her ideas when you push against the instincts that have been indoctrinated into her. You're giving her permission to decide what she wants to do, and Lae'zel is always someone looking for permission.

[shalomniscient]

jingliu angst where she only tolerates you cus u remind her of baiheng sjjahagsab im dead

[nsft utc]

tw. mentions of vomiting (?), unhealthy/toxic dynamic, identity loss

you have always been a stray, hungry for scraps.

it began back on your home planet, ravaged and carved by interastral powers of all its resources, leaving behind a gnawing, gaping hole in the ground and the hearts and bellies of its people. you once mourned your more normal childhood—but the hunger in your stomach and in your soul consumed that too. your meals were few and far between, snatched from the hands of other starving husks, and it was the only joy you ever had as a child. the trickery and the thrill. it’s the only joy you get to keep into adulthood, a twisted elation that grants you a place in the cosmic court of jesters; the masked fools.

it’s—predictably—fun. trickery and thrill are the bread and butter of the fools. your mask affords you many, many opportunities for both, and though you have never had your belly achingly empty since, that hunger in your soul is not so easily sated. now, what you crave is the rush, the adrenaline, the oxytocin. and so you dance on marble floors with a different face each time, with partners who either wish you dead or in their beds, the space between you measured in an unfathomable amount of risk which you exchange for an unfathomable amount of thrill. you scamper along the length of this cosmic ballroom like a starving, feral fox in tall grass, the red of your fur as inviting as the white of your teeth are sharp. you hunt and you haunt, seeking something to fit between your aching teeth, something that will burst on the sharp point of your canines and smear your lips with pure elation and maybe satisfy that abyssal hunger in your psyche.

you have always been a stray, hungry for scraps.

and you have never seen more tantalizing a meal than a devil with a coffin and a woman who seeks to kill a god. she holds the tip of a ice-hewn blade beneath your chin the first time you meet, nicking the delicate skin of your neck, just above your pulse. you swallow. let out a laugh that sounds like a barking fox, and the woman’s sword falters. surprisingly, it doesn’t take much for you to convince her to let you tag along on her fool’s errand. it’s almost poetic. you learn of her name—jingliu. it’s pretty. rolls off your tongue. jingliu doesn’t bother to learn yours, but she calls you fox. you don’t mind the scrap of attention. after all, you’ve spent your whole life living off scraps.

travelling with jingliu (and by extension, luocha) does not lack for excitement. the road to deicide is paved with elation, even if your blue-haired companion refuses to see it. through battle and through the long travel between star systems in pursuit of the great fleet, you get somewhat closer to jingliu. it doesn’t take very long for you to slip into her bedroll (or cot, depending where you are). mara, you find, though cannot be cured can certainly be sated; much like the permanent hunger that curls in your belly. jingliu fucks you until neither of you are coherent enough to feel much of anything, madness or hunger. it’s an arrangement you find yourself enjoying. and as a by-product of such intimacy, you learn more about jingliu. her mannerisms, her illness—her past. she doesn’t tell you any of this, of course, but you can put two and two together from the things she lets slip deep in the throes of some nightmare after fucking you senseless. she gets many of those. the pattern is always the same. at first, she’ll sleep relatively soundly. but then, her brow creases, and her lip curls, and she angrily mutters a few names under her breath; a certain dan feng and yingxing. she curses them, then almost makes a noise like a sob, and something else leaves her lips— another name, but this time spoken with heartache and longing.

baiheng.

it doesn’t take much to infer that this baiheng was someone jingliu cared very much about. though when you ask luocha more about her, he reveals a little detail that makes her moderately more interesting—baiheng was a foxian. in some ways, that makes you similar to her, even though foxian you are not. the thought amused you once, as you looked back upon jingliu’s restless, sleeping form. perhaps jingliu saw her lost lover in you. how… quaint. the assumption never bother you, not really—until she starts to call for baiheng while she’s fucking you.

you’re no stranger to casual sex. even before jingliu, you never lacked for partners eager to share a bed with you. no, the fucking itself isn’t the problem—it’s how she’s fucking you. it isn’t with the detachment and pure lust like you’re used to. instead it’s almost like she cares, hands gentle on your hips as she drives her cock in and out of your greedy cunt. she fills you like she never wants for you to want for anything anymore, and even though you know it isn’t you this affection is for, that jingliu is barely even aware that you’re you and not baiheng, you can’t help but devour it feverishly every time.

you have always been a stray, hungry for scraps. and like this, with jingliu’s cock filling your pussy as she deliriously presses the shape of a dead woman’s name against your neck, you finally feel full.

and it makes you sick.

you crawl out of her embrace and spill your guts every time she falls asleep. your body utterly rejects the feeling—you’ve been so used to starving that the sensation of being full turns you ill. and yet, you can’t seem to push her away. you always come back, always relax under her touch, always pliant for her just to chase that brief, beautiful high you’ve never been able to find anywhere else only to bleed it once she’s done. your heart’s a pythagorean cup; a little too much and you’re spilling over. but you’re so greedy for it, still greedy for her. of all things it is affection that’s the most potent drug you’ve ever tasted, beyond the cheap thrill of oxytocin and adrenaline—even if none of it is meant for you, even if it’s just scraps. but that’s fine.

after all—you have always been a stray, hungry for scraps. and if that means wearing the face of a dead woman and letting the hunger finally devour you whole, then so be it.

[wordslikesilver]

I love what this DLC redefined about Melina. I never took to the gloam eyed queen theories, and now we learned about two incredible things in the DLC. The Minor Erdtree incantation finally explains in truth what the concept of Unalloyed Gold is, it is kindness without Order. I take this to refer to one’s love for a specific reason I’ll elaborate on in a moment. This explains several things. First, the flaw Marika discovered in the golden order was its compassion, its love and kindness. No matter what you think of the golden order as a regime, it still had that value of kindness deep down inside and that’s the flaw that goldmask identifies. The flaw within Marika herself that leaves her doomed by the narrative. It couldn’t be the Order that was the flaw, because that’s what failed Miquella when he tried to cure his sister of the rot. Miquella’s entire platform was kindness and acceptance of all. That’s the unalloyed gold that healed Malenia. Marika needed the Radagon aspect of herself to convince her Order was worth it all. And then she’d reached her limit and could take no more of it all. Enough. No more of this golden order. No more Erdtree. No more Elden Ring or greater Will or fingers pulling strings. Enough. And surely there was only one way in all the world she’d cope with the pain of losing Godwyn, of possibly even arranging his death so that the plan could be set in motion.

This is where the most beautiful tragedy of the DLC comes in. Miquella and saint Trina. He severs his love from his existence so that he could become a god. We learn that a demigod/god can sever parts of themselves that become living entities. This is how Radagon came to exist. But more importantly, this is how Melina came to exist. Melina, who fights with the grace of a black knife Numen woman, who keeps destined death sealed within her eye, who dreams of fire. Melina, who is kind and gentle and soft spoken. The girl who knows deep in her heart that no matter how grim it all may feel, there is hope and love in this world. The girl who can cast the ultimate healing incantation, minor Erdtree, and a version of it that we the players can’t even match in size and radiance. The kindness of gold, without order. Melina is Marika’s unalloyed gold, shriven clean from her body and given life. Her love, her kindness and all her weakness, turned into a young maiden who wants nothing more in all the world than to save her own mother from her suffering. Just like St Trina begs us to save Miquella from godhood, Melina begs us to help her free her mother from the prison of the Erdtree and godhood itself.

I love that this DLC recontextualizes Melina’s entire existence as Marika saying “If my love and my kindness are a flaw, then I will use them to burn this fucking place to the ground.”

Put on your tinfoil hat on for this last part but it’s too good not to think about, Melina fights like a black knife and carries destined death within her. Imagine if she was there that night to kill Godwyn. His mother’s love and kindness being the one to kill her most beloved child. Lower his guard, maybe. It’s so fucking raw imagining that and I lose my mind picturing the scene.