#she uses her fire magic to cook and yes I’m normal about that l

[squarefriend]

I was gonna draw something much angestier today but then I had this idea and HAD to do it instead. So that’s why there’s only a sketch today LOL

[geminioriginalsimagines]

Crush

Requests: “Please!!! I am begging you, darling best writer in the whole of Tumblrverse. Write a smut based on that gif where Kai licks his lips and has blood on his face and used magic to pull someone closer. Cause Holy Crap!!!! That was a TOTAL Turn on...” “any kai smuts on the way???? and also umm can you do a smut based off kai with like his coat cause he looks like a god with coats or even jackets on (:” (Credits to gif owners! Because DAMN) Warning! Visual smut ahead! Also very long!

"I have to say that there's been a record. Mystic Falls hasn't had any trouble with The Grill in like two months." Y/N zipped by her co-workers who were cooking an extremely large order. She couldn't help but look over a chef's shoulder and watch what they were preparing. "Is that for a party? Or a family?" She couldn't help but wonder aloud. The cook turned his head with a laugh to follow. He explained that it was all for one person. "Damn." Was all she replied with.

Y/N worked hard as a waitress. And she loved it. "All for table five? I'll need all ten of you guys to carry it back there." She rolled her eyes. Whatever, as long as the customer was happy and they were all getting paid it wasn't a problem. The order might be large, but Y/N started carrying trays back.

What was strange was that the new guy, who was put on host and waiter duty, never showed up in the kitchen to help or to return with more orders. The dining room was a little too quiet for Y/N's liking. Maybe he screwed something-

From the kitchen doors, Y/N could see that her new co-worker was clearly killed and in the hands of a tall stranger. Her eyes were large, her throat told her to scream. But nothing other than her heavy breathing escaped her enlarged nostrils. The man was wiping blood off of his face...her co-worker's blood and he was licking it off of his fingers.

Y/N was noticed, when he turned his face toward her she wanted so badly to run the other way, back into the kitchen and find something to defend herself. Other than the stranger, the dining room was empty. She also found herself with another problem, her hand was shaking so much that the tray of food fell at her feet. The beer glasses split and liquid was all over the floor. Boy was that going to be a sticky mess she'd have to clean up depending on her near death.

Her mouth dropped open, the rather handsome stranger with smeared blood on his face turned himself toward her with a bit of a sadistic grin. When he spoke, she could swear it was a rumble of thunder. "Mmm, aren't you so afraid?" He fixed the messy sleeve over his wrist and wiped the rest of the blood off of his face, sticking his wet fingers into his mouth and humming. "He was a little bland."

Y/N couldn't even muster a 'holy shit' but she had to admit in her overactive mind that he was rather attractive and whatever he was trying to do was working on her. This shouldn't be attractive. She wasn't like this. All she wanted was to get paid and get through college, not in this situation at work. "That nagging voice in my head says not to hurt you. But my stomach says too. I'm just so hungry and upset." His lips jutted out, he was pouting. And boy was he good at it. "I was hoping you'd taste a lot better."

Y/N's throat burned so much, something came out. "P-please don't hurt me." Her head wagged back and forth, she wanted so badly to just run by the man and never see him again. Then she realized he took a step closer but there was still the space of the whole room between them.

"Oh doll, I have a better idea." There was that sadistic grin again. The one that made her heart flip and it shouldn't. She shouldn't think this was attractive but she couldn't deny it. In her own twisted way, there she was unable to move because she was scared and curious. "Why don't you come here? Come to me, Sweetheart." He spoke lowly. Low with a hint of a growl. One that bad her gut develop an anchor to it.

But she refused. She wagged her head hesitantly back and forth. The man raised his brows and then tilted his head to the side. "I'll give you one more chance before I make you. Now let's try again. Come here." He spoke slow, longing. But she wagged her head back and forth. He was someone her parents told her to stay away from as a child. She wasn't going to give into him with her co-worker's corpse on the floor. Not at all actually. This man didn't need to get his way.

The stranger took another step forward and raised his hand. Y/N wasn't sure what he was doing. Was he going to try and hit her? "Motus." He growled. She started floating across the room to him, her feet couldn't stop her. Nothing could stop the fact she was in motion because this man was beckoning her to him. She started to panic, but everything was cut short when she was facing his large hand.

It was decorated with two rather shiny and large rings. There were a few seconds of silence before her mind was filled with his scent. His musk mixed with a hint of a dominating cologne that she couldn't put her finger on. He was intoxicating and the cologne added to the fire in her lungs and throat. So she decided to look away from his harsh gaze to his hand that was still raised. "You are very disobedient." He commented. His other hand rose to his chin, pulling her gaze to his again. He looked harsh but he also had the most beautiful eyes she had ever saw in her life.

"Who am I to judge though?" In mere seconds his harsh gaze turned into something happy. He was laughing and showing off those perfect teeth he kept hidden. His brows were raised and his smile was so wide his eyes turned to slits. Was he a mad man? The answer was yes. Her gut told her yes. "Mmm." He hummed and then contained his laughter. "You won't make me feel bad if I scare you."

She cringed. Y/N actually cringed, she wanted far away from him yet he was drawing her in. "Do all females look at me the way you do?" This was a more intimate moment, he was getting closer and closer. His breath smelled like spearmint. Oh boy was he perfect. When Y/N didn't answer he was clearly annoyed but he answered for her. "You're supposed to say duh."

All Y/N could do was swallow the lump in her throat. "L-let me go please." That wasn't as confident as she liked. Now he'd never take her seriously. Now both of his hands cupped her cheeks. Her skin was on fire and he took her breath away. The cool metal rings took a bit of the sting away, but that didn't ease the anchor in her stomach.

"To kill you or not to kill you? I need a list of pros and cons. But my oh my, you have no idea what's going on. It wouldn't be fair to you if I had you choose without knowing now would it-" There was an interruption from the door. Y/N was relieved, so relieved she could pass out. Someone had come to her rescue.

It was yet another very young man who nodded toward the door. "You can leave. I'll take care of him." Boy did Y/N run as fast as her little legs could carry her. Running made the fire in her throat rise higher than before. But at least she was heading for the safety of her home.

She saw him again...at The Grill. After it closed, he was there again. From the doorway he was waving, it was rather flirty which made her co-workers wonder if she was seeing somebody. "Is he here for you? You didn't tell us you were seeing someone." One of the cooks leaned over her shoulder. Y/N could feel the lump in her throat again. What did he want with her? Their first encounter was over a week ago.

Why now? "I'm not seeing anybody. He was here about a week ago. Uh...you can go home. I'll finish closing and get rid of him." She offered her co-worker. So they accepted the offer and untied their apron from their waist and hung it on a rack in the back. Y/N could only pray the stranger didn't hurt her friend as he tried to leave. But she let out a sigh of relief when the man stepped aside and let the cook leave without any harm.

Y/N tried focusing on scrubbing the counter-top. People had spilled drinks throughout the day and dropped food. It was just a mess. "Is there any way I can help?" Her hand suffocated the wet cloth and when she got startled, the stranger laughed. "I want to place an order." He took a seat on one of the stools. Y/N started backing away with the wet cloth as her only defense. "Except I don't want food. I want you."

There she went again, wagging her head back and forth, aggravating him. "You really are a scared little thing aren't you?" He tapped his fingers against the counter-top. Y/N watched carefully as he poured salt packets onto the counter.

"H-hey!" She started to stop him but he only laughed and looked up through his eyelashes with that grin on his face. He raised that same hand that had magically called her over to him, and now it was...making the salt float? Each grain was dancing around his fingers. Y/N wiped her eyes and blinked but it didn't work. She wasn't seeing things.

"At least hear me out, beautiful." His nickname for her made her swallow. "I always get what I want. I want you. Its weird, I can't stop thinking about you. Ever since I was dealt with last week. I realized I was a little much." No kidding. "But that doesn't mean I'm sorry for it. I've never been so curious about a human before." He rambled. "That's a little weird right?"

For once Y/N agreed with him. "Except its normal for me. I debated on tracking you down. I had some of your hair..." He started chuckling. "Wrapped around my finger, literally, from when I touched you. I was going to do a simple locator spell and follow you around. But there's this pair of brothers that thought that would frighten such an innocent girl." Boy did he talk alot. "But now I know where you work. I can catch you here whenever I please." The salt fell into a crumpled pile under his hands.

The stranger reached over the counter, into her apron and pulled the pen out of the pocket with that stupid grin on his face. Without taking his eyes off of her, he reached into the napkin dispenser and started writing something on it. He caught his bottom lip between his teeth to hold back a smile and then pushed the napkin across the counter to her. Y/N collected the thin fabric in her shaky hand. 'Kai' was written at the top along with a phone number.

"Text me, or hey better yet call me. Hold on, sometimes I don't know how to go about this. You have a Twitter?" Why was he so casual? "Cobrakai1972. Live tweets and all. I know lots of girls these days like a man who's handy with his Twitter." His left eye closed in a very seductive wink as he pushed himself up and off of the stool. "If you're curious enough its your call." He was inviting her. And boy was she debating on calling the number in her hand. Kai, his name had a ring to it. Kai...Kai-she kept repeating it in her head.

"You probably have a crush on her." Was all Damon said without glancing over at the Heretic twiddling his thumbs. "And showing her magic..." Damon shook his head before taking in his drink. "Not a good idea. But I won't hold it against you considering I killed you and you didn't live long enough as a mutt to know."

Kai glanced over through his lashes and watched the vampire continue drinking. "She's...perfect. I gave her my number and I'm on edge. Every time my phone makes a noise I hope its her but its Twitter notifications from fifteen year old girls." He wiped a hand through his hair.

"Granted you did scare her, Parker. You're lucky Stefan was there to save your ass last week otherwise you would have hurt the girl you're crushing on." Damon tsked and wagged his finger. "As for the fifteen year old girls, I'm just going to be honest here and tell you you're not the ugliest guy I've ever seen. I'm only being nice to you so I can make Elena happy when she wakes up. You remember that when you remember my compliment."

"Got it." Kai steepled his fingers under his chin. Damon noticed the Heretic was glancing nervously at his phone. "Damn it. You know I was just going to feed on her." He laughed. "And here I am stalking her at work because I can't even stand to see her interact with a customer." His raked another hand through his hair. "What's wrong with me?"

Damon sat in the chair across from Kai and tapped his chin. "It would be easier to find out what's right with you. And that's a very short list. With two bullet points." Damon sat back and played with the glass in his hand. "But as for what's wrong with you...its more like a grocery list. The basics, eggs, milk, bread. Water-" Kai glanced at him. "My point is that you've got...some sort of basics. Give her some time. Stop trying to scare her. Don't be...you."

"What do you mean?"

"You...you're too forward all the time. Most girls don't like somebody who just shows up at work and plays with salt on the table and randomly hands her his number. Or showing up and killing a co-worker or two and then dragging her across the room with magic. No, Kai you have to wait till you get her hooked first and then you get comfortable. Then you start with the magic or being confident." Damon crossed his leg over his knee. "Civil. Yeah...be civil."

Kai rested his hand under his chin and started digging deep. "I should start over? Introduce myself? Ask for her name?"

"Her name is Y/N. You're welcome. Drink there all the time with Ric. There's only one problem to your plan here though." Damon hissed. "She's Ric's niece."

Kai surprised Damon when he face-palmed himself. "Great. Just great. Damn it."

"There's always a chance though, Parker." Why was Damon even feeling so positive today? "If you make her happy, Ric might accept it."

"Make her happy?"

"That doesn't mean you keep harassing her at work. That means show up with flowers. Or ask her to see a movie. Get to know each other. Show her you aren't the creepy guy that keep showing up at The Grill. Tell her you're sorry, that you want to start over-" But Kai wasn't even listening.

"I'll go see her tomorrow." Damon was now the one to face-palm. Had he taught Kai nothing?

The Grill had been sort of lonely for the past few days. Some of Y/N's co-workers who she really enjoyed were sick. And Y/N's mind drifted back to Kai. She hadn't seen him in a while either. Her lunch break consisted of eating food that one of the cooks made her, and sipping on her Coke while scrolling through her phone.

Her mind wandered to the contact list. After Kai had given her his number, she had been debating all week whether or not to call. So she made him a contact in her phone. There she was staring at the call button again. But a voice from behind her made her jump and lock her phone quickly. "Y/N, I figured it was your lunch break." It was only her uncle.

"Hey, Uncle Ric." She waved and finished the last few bites of her sandwich. "I was about to get back to work in a few minutes."

Her uncle took a seat across from her and grabbed her hands. "Look I just have to talk to you about something. Because you're my only niece. Which makes you my favorite niece. And I'm concerned for you." Y/N furrowed her brows and took a sip of her drink. "Word gets around here. A guy named Kai coming around to see you?" Her heart fluttered at his name. It made her straighten her back.

"Yeah, he's...weird. What about it?" Her uncle squeezed her hands and pursed his lips together. "What's wrong?"

"I want you to stay away from him, Y/N. I have a rough past with him and he's got...problems. Just promise me you'll stay away from him?" How could she say no to her sweet uncle? Her only favorite uncle?

Y/N nodded. "Of course." But she didn't dare tell her uncle she put two and two together. She knew exactly who Kai was, from research and sneaking into her uncle's office, reading journal entries. From watching Kai use 'magic' to kill a man in cold blood. He was a Heretic, a sociopath, a psycho. The list continued with some rather foul names coming from her uncle after that.

Her uncle pushed himself away from the table and kissed her forehead. "This is why I love you, Y/N. So be good. I love you."

"Love you too." Her face was red when she looked over at the door and Kai was there. He waved, his seductive grin on his lips. Y/N looked around, her uncle had used the back door. So he didn't have to pass Kai.

Kai couldn't hide the fact that he wanted nothing more than to pull her close and try her out for a while. But he didn't. He watched her clean her table and throw away her trash. Customers approached her, young guys touching her elbow or ordering their food from her. It made his chest burn. Was he jealous? Was that the word to use? That she was his, he wanted nobody else to even look at her?

"You're ignoring me now?" Y/N sort of felt bad. But she knew her uncle meant well and she didn't blame him for wanting her to stay away from Kai. Who knew what he could do to her? Kai's voice was soft, distant, upset. "What did I do?"

"N-nothing. I'm just working." She wiped down the counter before him again. "Nothing's wrong. Just think its best to stay away from each other. I've been keeping what I've seen you do from so many people and you're dangerous. So if you don't hurt me, I won't tell anybody."

Kai's face dropped some. "Y/N if I wanted to hurt you I would have already." Who had gotten a hold of her? Why wasn't she looking at him? The way he said her name gave her goosebumps. "Y/N?"

"Its nothing, Kai. I'm working and I have customers to get to. So if you're ordering something then do it and your food will be out in a second." But Kai was silent, sadness written in his face. His lips pursed together. Little did she know he was trying to ask her out, but he didn't do it fast enough. She brushed by him with her pen and notepad in hand and left him raking his fingers through his hair.

Y/N had just finished brushing her hair and teeth, put on her pajamas and started un-tucking her freshly made bed. She pulled the blanket back and started to climb in. A tap on her window called her attention. "What in the world." She sighed and headed for the window. There was another knock, it was louder this time. She fixed her shirt before opening the window and jumping back two feet, with a loud scream to follow.

Kai jumped as well, almost falling off of her windowsill. She held her chest to recover from her heart attack. "Jesus Kai what are you doing here? How do you know where I live?" He was dangerous, she had to remember that. She had to remember he could come through the window and strangle her if she wasn't careful.

"I watched you when you left The Grill. You make me curious."

Y/N swallowed the lump in her throat. "You shouldn't be here. My uncle could be home any minute."

"I know your uncle. Ric, yeah great guy. Just wants me dead. Long story." Kai focused on not falling off of the sill he was perched on. "If you could invite me inside, that's be great. Don't act surprised either. I know you put two and two together very well, and so could I."

She was taken aback. "Get in here." She grabbed his arm before he fell. Except he fell backward into her window and tumbled to the floor. He was a little shaky on his legs when he pushed himself up but he recovered.

"Piece of advice, be careful who you invite in." He helped her lock her window.

"Noted."

They sat in silence for a while until Y/N headed for the T.V. across the room and turned it on. Kai was sort of confused. "Why so loud?" He raised his voice over the volume of the T.V.

Y/N spun around and grinned a little bit. It was a major character change for Kai to comprehend. "My uncle's coming home anytime now. Do you really think I haven't been thinking about you either?"

Kai was starting to catch on. "Well let's see if you're still as disobedient as before." He called to her with his curling index finger. But she stood on the tips of her toes and wagged her head. "Motus." His hand went up, pulling her right to him.

She stared up at him with her index finger in her mouth. Kai bit his bottom lip and then swiped his tongue across it. That same hand he performed his spell on was now shoving her backward onto her bed.

He stood above her, shrugging his pitch black jacket off of his shoulders. The one that Y/N had saw him in the other day at The Grill after her uncle left. The one that made her want to ride him all day. He folded it with a knowing smirk on his face. And then he tossed it to the end of her bed.

"You are a very lucky girl Y/N." He crawled between her legs. "Do you have an idea why?"

Y/N bit her lip and shook her head. "Why is that?"

"Because I'm feeling good today." Y/N raised her brows. "I feel like a decent person. Decent enough to show you the best time." He trailed his fingers across her lips.

"Is that so? I'd like to say that I'm not so lucky." She pouted.

"Hmm?" He focused in on her mouth.

"You look a lot more attractive with blood on your face. See I think you've ruined me. I'm not a person that likes blood. But when I saw you the night we met, I can't help but think about it." She stuck her index finger in his mouth. He was so close to her, their noses were almost touching. He was intoxicating.

And his breath smelled like mint, her favorite scent. Kai responded, sucking on her finger, swiping his tongue around it. The lust he felt for the girl multiplied by a hundred. "Do it." She whispered. She encouraged him to bite her finger. "I know what you are. Don't hide it from me." She had to curl her legs around his waist, to hold onto him. Kai debated it, but he wasn't that strong enough to say no.

He closed his eyes, he let the monster he was consume him. A network of patterns spiraled across his face, they made Y/N gasp but they turned her on no doubt. His eyes were dark when he opened them. Almost as dark as the jacket he threw at the end of the bed. Y/N huffed, encouraging her finger to trace the daggers just under his lip. "Please." It was soft and intimate. The madman who she was crushing on was about to bite her.

Kai bit down, slowly and just enough to break the skin. He suckled the blood off of the tip of her finger. Y/N held the cry that was aching to be released. She didn't expect it to feel as sore as it did. He was a predator, it was supposed to hurt. He released her finger, Y/N traced his lips, smearing the blood around his lip. "I'll make you my evil queen. How does that sound?"

"I don't even know why I like the sound of it. But I really like it." What was he doing to her? Tainting her mind. She worked at tracing his cheek, just where she saw the bloodstains of her co-worker two weeks ago. She bit her lip, he was her work of art. He licked his lips while his intense stare held her captive. Oh he was such a bad influence.

"I think you're finding yourself." He whispered. The same tooth that dug into her finger now pricked his lip, making it bleed. The blood dripped down his lip and onto his chin. "Clock's ticking if you wanna get rid of that pin prick I gave you." He grinned.

He wanted her to drink his blood? Kai noticed how hesitant she was and kissed her anyway. The copper taste between them seemed to connect them. The uncomfortable ache in her wounded finger seemed to dull away. The blood smeared against his lips and cheek made him look dominant, crazy. And Y/N wasn't aware that she was into the psycho types. (The reader is all of us lmao.)

Kai moaned, the sound rumbled from his chest where Y/N rested her hand. Her other hand played with the hairs on the back of his neck. His hands started pushing her shirt up, higher and higher. "You've got nothing on underneath." He quietly groaned in her ear. He sucked at her chin, her jaw, her earlobe. She allowed him to push the shirt up and over her head.

She was so perfect it made Kai's whole body ache. His lips closed around one of her nipples, pulling and teasing, swiping his tongue across it. "Two weeks does a lot to a man." He grumbled, tracing his tongue down her stomach. "I escaped hell-" He laughed. "And here I am in pursuit of a girl I had no idea existed." Mmm, Y/N loved when he lowered his voice.

"Oh?" She moaned. Kai rubbed his hands down her chest, his ring catching on her hardened nipple. She reached for Kai's hair, that perfect dark hair. She completely messed it up, the way it was put up with a little curl at the end of the strand. "Bummer."

"What do you mean?" He looked up from working his tongue against her stomach.

"I messed up your hair. Bummer for me." Kai grinned and pushed his lips against her soft flesh.

"Mmm, I don't mind. Mess it up for me." He groaned.

Y/N tilted her head back, her eyes closed. Focusing in on the feeling of his soft tongue caressing her. When she looked down, she noticed Kai pushing that one strand of hair off of his forehead. "No keep it. I love your hair."

Kai bit his lip to hide his smile. "Bonus." He crawled back up her body, reaching between them and pushing her shorts down her legs. "Something tells me that your sudden interest in blood compelled you to choose your new underwear." He teased the front of them, pressing into her clit. "Bonus times two." He grinned and leaned in, rubbing his nose against hers.

He started working his way down her stomach, but Y/N pulled him back. "I like nipple play better." Kai furrowed his brows but couldn't hide the smile on his face. That beautiful, wide smile that made her forget he was a madman.

"Damn, jackpot." He wrapped her legs around his waist. She aided him in pushing his hips into hers. His lips pulled at her nipples, taking turns, going back and forth. When she touched the collar of his shirt, his body ignited. The excitement that collected in his stomach fueled the fire in his pants. The way she held his face, or gently touched the back of his neck. Goosebumps formed on his body where he never even felt them before.

He cried out some when Y/N ran her nails roughly through his hair. Moaning when he suckled a good spot. The way her hips met with his...Kai looked up and took a deep breath before kissing her. He needed air but the other half of his body needed her. He had no idea why she was so special, but his monster craved her.

When she reached between their bodies and unbuckled his belt and pushed his pants down, he knew he was on fire. She was glowing and he was on fire. What set him off even more was when she pushed her panties to the side and called him closer with her index finger. "If you're going to do it, do it now."

He just couldn't, the evil part of him that had escaped Hell told him to do it. While the other part of him...the part of little humanity he died with told him to enjoy the moment more. But he had to respond to the devil. So he did it, he connected them roughly. Grasping her face and sucking at her neck.

Her gentle fingers reached for the collar of his shirt again, pulling him closer. Her moans all she could release. She stared up at him in awe. He was poison, she wasn't. Yes he injected everything he had to offer and corrupted her brain. Everything her uncle told her, she was started to forget. Kai wasn't so bad, he was poison, but he was the good kind. The kind she was into.

He was the bad boy, the one nobody liked. And that made her crave his poison even more. Y/N could tell he was fighting to keep control. But she didn't want control. Her fingers traced the dried blood on his lips and over his cheeks, moaning as she did so. Her hair splayed across her pillow, her hands running over his back.

Kai almost stopped her from unbuttoning his shirt. But when she gave him that look, the one that made him crumble, he gave in and helped her brush the thin material over his shoulders. Y/N didn't know where to explore next. Kai was a predator, a killing machine made out of pure muscle. Her back arched into him as he worked at pushing his pants down the rest of the length of his legs.

His mouth grabbed a hold of her right nipple, her hands raking through his hair. Soft and gentle in contrast to the rough speed he was being encouraged to move at.

His arms kept her encased in a blanket of his warmth. It was rather addicting. She couldn't get enough of how he smelled. Musky, he smelled natural with a hint of a spicy cologne. She tilted her head back, wrapped her legs around his waist and let him have her.

Their position was intimate. She was his now, she didn't think Kai was ever going to let her live this down. She didn't want to. His lips attacked her neck, claiming her with large purple marks that she'd have to hide from her uncle. Kai couldn't help himself. He believed there was a goddess under him. And that if he let her go she'd just disappear. Two weeks craving one person made the rest of his life difficult.

Y/N swore up and down, grumbling words in Kai's ear. He was having her and he couldn't believe it. "Y/N-" He whispered against her throat. Her hands encouraged him, gently stroking the back of his neck and then moving to his strong, hard shoulders.

Kai knew she was close. Anticipating her orgasm made him close, picturing her under him. Sweaty and out of breath. Chanting his name. Y/N held his chin, kissing away the blood stains lovingly. This was going to trigger his new leaf. This was when Kai felt he could be better. That he wanted to be better but he'd tell nobody else.

"Kai, Kai-" She chanted with large eyes. Knowing eyes. She knew she was about to come undone. So she prepared herself, locking her legs tighter around his waist and arching her back into him. Kai took her lips in his, grumbling against her and then sucking her into a dirty, needy kiss. Her hand connected with his jaw as he made her cum, her eyes closing and holding onto his shoulder.

Kai wrapped his arms around her, nipping her bottom lip in hopes to subdue how he felt. But he finished with her. His control was scarce, he rarely had none which was why he was surprised he had made it this far with her. He closed his eyes and held onto her.

"Kai-" She whispered, hoarse and tired. Kai pushed himself off of her on shaky arms. "I needed that." She rolled over onto her stomach, hugging her pillow. She was acting like a girl who had just found love. Kai thought it was strange. But even he had to admit she was glowing. Kai helped her fix her panties and found his briefs on the floor, pulling them up his legs. "What are you doing?"

Y/N watched him cover her with the jacket he came to her in. It was warm, soft, it smelled like him. That musky smell that drove her insane. "Are you leaving?" She sounded hurt.

"No." He answered shortly. "I don't leave after. It doesn't add to the effect now, does it?" His grin returned and he took his place next to her under the covers. They faced each other, staring. Y/N fixed the jacket, pulling her arms through it and cuddling with it.

Kai's arms were open, he was available. Y/N took her chance and pressed herself against him, letting him hold her. He wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on top of her head.

"Y/N I brought home some-" Their attention was directed up to her uncle. Ric had a look of horror plastered across his face. He pursed his lips together. "I-I thought I told you to stay away from him?"

Y/N pushed herself out of Kai's arms and sat up, wrapping the jacket around her body. "I can explain. Its a really long story."

"I'd kick him out but he's...he's aggressive...and a psycho-" Ric looked like he had seen a ghost.

Y/N glanced over her shoulder at Kai who was waving at her uncle. "He wasn't aggressive a few minutes ago." Her face turned red. Ric ran a hand through his hair.

"Did he hurt you? Are there any marks?"

"No, of course not."

"Oh boy, I failed you as an uncle. You're...he could have killed you Y/N!"

"Could have." Kai licked his lips. "If I wanted her dead she would be." Ric looked like he could cry. Kai lifted his arms, resting them behind his head. "Its all good over here. More than good."

There was a moment of silence before Ric closed the door. "He's mad at me." Y/N lay herself across Kai's chest. "And this shouldn't be okay. I shouldn't feel okay with this."

"Mmm, yeah but doesn't it feel good to be a rebel kid for once?" She had to admit. It felt exhilarating.

So I found the imagines !!!! On my PC so I’m going to re upload them!

[someaxolotl]

Abysia Down on a Farm

After the mess, the rest of the day seemed kinda boring. Gwyn stayed behind to arrest the attackers and Nim said she has something to do and vanished. I decided to stock up on some food and proceeded to return to my room.

...Instant noodles are fine I guess, I mean they are quick… I put a pot of water on the stove and wait for it to boil. With nothing else to do while waiting, I guess I’ll see what my screen can exactly do. I unlock it and start poking around… Hmmm, what’s Flippy, some kind of forum? I tap on it, and I’m taken to a login screen. Create an account… hmmmm… after a bit of thinking I decide to make my username vthehunter48 and I put in a random password. The second I tap create an account, I get a message instantly. 

[YourFriendNim]: *this message was sent automatically* Hey there, welcome to Flippy, Abysia’s premiere social media! Here you can post, interact with your friends, build a following, and experience all new things! To get you started, here are a few recommendations for friends

After the message, there’s a list of users… I don’t think I know anyone here… ummmm oh wait that one is just gwynsteleoffical… He really is excessively formal… As soon as I send the request to Gwyn, I get a message…

[YourFriendNim]: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Veve!!! :D

(incoming friend request from YourFriendNim)

[vthehunter48]: hello nim how did you know it was me?

[YourFriendNim]: I serve as the backbone of the digital system, also I know the address of your screen.:3

[vthehunter48]: ...should I be concerned about that?

[YourFriendNim]: Nope!!:33333

[vthehunter48]: ...fantastic

...since I can’t hide from her anyway, I guess I’ll just accept her friend request. I look over at the pot and the water is bubbling fairly vigorously. Looking at the package, it says to just cook it in water for a bit… huh they aren’t instant then?! I take a glance at my screen…

(gwynsteleoffical has accepted your request)

[gwynsteleoffical]: Hello, I’m guessing I am talking to Veronica?

[vthehunter48]: yeah hi Gwyn

[gwynsteleoffical]: Hello, I sent your profile to Mila and Elias, so they’ll eventually friend you. I forgot to tell you, but tomorrow I’ll be having you guys running requests so meet me in my office.

[vthehunter48]: oh… ok thanks

[gwynsteleoffical]: Yep, no problem.

...I need to find more entertaining stuff to do, don’t I? I sigh as I scan over the packaging. So I just pour in this packet and stir? Seems easy… I grab a bowl and pour the soup into it. Hmmm, it’s incredibly salty… not amazing but not horrid.

…

…

…

After my strange dream from last night, I find it kinda strange there was nothing strange this time. I toss on my clothes and head over to the kitchen. I should probably grab something quick… I’ll just grab a cereal bar. 

…

I arrived without much of an issue, that’s nice. The hall is slightly less busy than what I’ve noticed in the past. 

“Hey, Victoria.” I turn around and see that Elias.

“Hey, what’s up?”

He stretches. “Not much, you should hang out with us after work, yesterday was fun.”

“Didn’t you guys destroy a bar?”

“Eh, Mila got overly drunk and said she wanted to see if I could withstand an explosion.”

“Wait, what…?”

“Oh, that’s exactly what I said! Of course, I can withstand an explosion, that’s child’s play.”

“...you agreed to be used as an explosion tester?”

“...I was also drunk…” Elias sighs. “Honestly though I was not expecting her to attack me afterward.”

“Wait, what happened to Mila?”

“She somehow got even drunker and collapsed or something.”

We get to Gwyn’s office and I open the door “Oh hi guys!” Mila is sitting in a chair handcuffed.

“Finally you’re here, grab a seat.” Gwyn looks almost dead. He takes a sip from a mug. “I was going to have a few requests set aside for you guys but it’s been a long night.” He takes another sip from the mug.

...I’m curious. “Hey, Gwyn, what’s in there, coffee?”

He seems startled. “Hmm?! Oh yeah sure…” He takes another sip. “It’s only your second day as a team and one of you guys already caused major property damage and got in trouble with enforcement.” He glances at Mila. “Anyway, I’m just going to give you a random job from my screen and give it to you guys.” He glances down at the screen. “...ok, there’s a farm that needs assistance with both harvesting and pest control.” He chugs the rest of the mug. “Now get out.”

Mila glances down at her wrists. “Hey buddy, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“...suffer” He snaps his fingers and the cuffs come loose. “Now, for real, get out.”

…

We took a portal to the outskirts of Abysia and ended up in a large field. There’s a dirt path leading to what looks like a village. 

Mila walks forward while looking down at her screen. “The farm is directly past the village.”

Elias walks up to her. “Hey Spiky, care telling us why you ended up in handcuffs.”

“First, don’t call me that, second, I have a massive hangover so let’s not talk about that.”

“Oh, what a shame it’s not as if I have also have a massive hangover. Deal with it.”

“Deal with it?! What, you just want me to ignore the headache or something?!”

“I guess so?” Mila kicks him in the knee and he falls. “Isn’t irritability a part of a hangover?” She kicks him again.

...I should probably chime in. “Both of you stop, we are a team and we have a job to do. Besides, Mila probably just assaulted someone else.”

Milla turns to face me. “...huh, you guessed right. I assaulted an enforcer…”

Elias starts laughing from the floor so I kick him. “Oh come on not you too.”

“Elias you’re wearing armor, you’ll be fine.” I help him stand back up. “Anyway let’s get back on track.”

We walk through the village in silence. It is a quaint little place with a few houses and a market. On the other side, there's a large farm with a plowed field with a damaged-looking barn. I shout towards the field. “Hey, we’re here for the job.”

“Oh good!” There’s a voice out in the distance. “I’ll be there in a second.” There’s a strange slopping sound and suddenly a blob of slime wearing a cowboy hat appears. “Howdy, y’all welcome to my farm!” All three of us are taken aback. “Oh, what's the matter have you city slickers never seen a slime before, I’ll have you know we are mighty common.” 

Mila sighs. “...out of all the days to have a hangover… No, it’s more that the slimes we are used to are in a humanoid or similar form.”

The slime chuckles. “Well, there are just as many types of slimes as stars in the sky. My kind can’t change our appearance that much but we still have intelligence. I do reckon it must be strange for y’all.” They wobble forward and unlatch the gate. “Name’s Hubert. Now I need some assistance with two things. The ol’ barn is in a bad state so it’ll be great if two of y’all can reinforce and there’s a darn plague of gopher mantises, I need someone to help me flush out their burrows and kill them.”

I step into the farm. “If it helps with anything, I can use wind magic, Mila over there is best at ice, and Elias is kinda just good at moving quickly.”

Hubert seems to ponder for a second. “All right then Mila and Elias can help rebuild the barn, while you can use your wind magic to fish out the burrows miss… ummm…”

“Oh yeah sorry, I’m Veronica.”

“Ok, the materials are in the barn while I’ll come to help with the critters.” Hubert pulls a hunting rifle out of nowhere.

We walk out into the fields. “Hey Hubert, What exactly are gopher mantises?”

“Ah, they are nasty little critters. Bugs about the size of squirrels that dig below crops and kill the roots to eat plants, a darn right nuisance. Piss them off enough and they spray acid.”

“So I’m guessing I’m to find their burrows and use wind magic to launch them out?”

“Yep!”

I walk over to the first hole I find. “Gust.” I feel the mana gathering around my arm and fire forward. There’s a pop and a large bug fires out of the ground. Hubert aims their gun and nails the insect in midair. “Oh, so that's the goal?”

“Killing them? Yeah, they are tenacious little things, even if you get them out of your land they will become aggressive and attack everything with acid. Besides if too many of them gather it can attract a queen. Think of a 25 ft tall bug with an extremely hard shell, I think the administration actually sees them as a raid threat. Typically takes around ten folks to bring one down.”

“Fair.” I walk over to the next hole and launch the bugs out of it.

…

It’s been around two hours or so and honestly it’s starting to get tiring. “Say Hubert, there’s a lot of these aren’t they.” I launch another out of its hole.

Hubert perfectly nails the bug. “Yes, I’m almost out of bullets and the possibility of a queen is getting uncomfortably high.”

“Say why do you farm?” I started walking over to the next hole.

“Oh, it’s something that’s always interested me, and I get to be my own boss. I’m incredibly self-sufficient, my slime can be used as both fertilizer and water in times of drought.”

“Isn’t that bad for you though.” I launch a larger nest of bugs. 

Hubert picks them all off. “No not really, I can eat literally anything so it’s rare for me to have nothing to eat.”

“Yo, we are done with the barn.” I turn around and Elias is walking up towards us with Mila is lagging behind.

Hubert smiles at them. “That was quick, what did y’all do?”

Elias looks slightly embarrassed. “We tried building it normally but I wasn’t able to properly nail in the boards and Mila’s headache got worse because of the banging so she used magic to grow plants and I trimmed them to match the existing boards.”

Hubert chuckles. “That’s mighty fine, thanks y’all.”

I look over at Mila. “Wait, you can also use nature magic?”

“Yes, I’m an elementalist so I can use most types, I just mainly prefer ice magic.” She gestures with her hand and creates a few sparks.

Hubert looks impressed. “Now that’s darn impressive. Now do you two want to help us?”

They both hesitate for a second then they nod. I launch another few bugs, and Elias launches himself and pierces them. He lands and starts taunting Mila. “Your turn now.” 

She looks slightly annoyed. I launch a few bugs and she hits them with spines. “There, happy?”

Elias laughs a bit. “Wow, nothing special today? You were so fancy yesterday.”

I turn to him. “I thought I told both of you, focus on the job, don’t bicke-”

I’m cut off by a loud and low growl. The ground starts rumbling.

Hubert looks scared. “Welp, that's a queen…”

A giant bug erupts from the ground and I draw my weapons… my weapons aren’t doing anything. “Hubert, you said that their exoskeleton is reinforced, what about their insides.”

“They are fairly soft why?”

The bug swings its blades towards us, but Elias blocks it. He goes in for a thrust but it bounces off. “Veronica do you have any idea?”

“Yes,” I turn to Mila. “Do you have a flask of gasoline?”

“...out of all the days to have a hangover…” She digs into a bag. “Yeah, I do.”

“Put a spine in it and give it to me.” 

“One sec… alright.” She tosses me the flask.

I dash towards the queen while concentrating mana into my arm. I do hope this works. “Phase blade!” The mana flows into the flask and it turns translucent. I drive it into the exoskeleton and blink out of there. “Mila now!”

She hesitates for a second. “Oh… ember.” The flask explodes and shatters some of the exoskeleton. 

I start gathering mana again. “Elias, I’m going to launch you. You know what to do right?”

“Oh absolutely!” He gets into a running stance. I fire off a blast of wind and Elias rockets forward. “Hyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” He impacts the queen and pierces it entirely. It lets out a loud screech as it collapses.

Hubert seems incredibly impressed. “I gotta say that was mighty impressive!”

[myselfinserts]

she can’t speak your language anymore. she talks in the language of dead people now.

The moon was slowly rising high in the night sky, bathing the world in a soft, loving silver gleam. The woods were alive with the bustle of camp, smoke rising from the fires as a wave of meat scents wafted through the air. There were a few guards patrolling, and a rather nice tent near the center was busy with many bandits coming in and out to visit the priestesses. 

The entire area stank of death. 

Lady L smirked. “This will be fun.”

“I don’t think it will,” Regi said. “Are you sure this is where Marianne was taken? It’s so far from our camp...”

“Rest assured. She’s here.” L took a deep breath, preparing herself. “Regi, I’m going to need you to go locate Marianne. When you do, do what she says.”

He stared at her in shock. “Are you sure? What about you?”

“No need to worry.” She adjusted her veil, raising her hood up so her face was completely hidden. “I’ll take care of the bandits.”

Regi watched her carefully. There was no fear. No anger. Only acceptance. It was clear that Lady Lazarus had a plan on taking care of this. Reluctantly, he adjusted his ponytail, pinning it into a bun so that it wouldn’t be grabbed as he tried to sneak in. He was glad for the dark green of his robes, blending perfectly into the foliage. He took his sash from around his shoulders and wrapped it tightly around his face. 

“Alright. Let’s go then.”

Marianne kept Myko’s face covered, breathing slow, controlled breaths as she prayed that no one came to check on her. The mama cat, Meatloaf, was fast asleep with her litter of kittens in their basket. The area around her was deserted for the most part, with most of the bandits having gone toward the center of camp. She had heart a few excited cheers coming from the central tent. 

Whatever was going on, someone was happy about it. 

And Marianne didn’t want to know why. 

I just want to go home.

Soon, the cries of cheer became cries of anguish and sorrow. The sound of metal on metal, battle cries, and orders to attack began to rise. Flames from smaller campfires grew to unbearable heights. Ir wasn’t long before Marianne could see a few bandits run past her cage in a vain attempt to escape, just before collapsing on the ground in agony, blood pouring from every orifice. 

“Please Lady Iona,” Marianne whispered. “Should I perish here, I beg of you to let my brother and sister be alright.”

“Mari? You there?”

Marianne felt the ground give way as her fear flew higher and more erratic. Slowly glancing around, she tried to make out the outline of her brother in the dark. “Regi? Is that you?”

“Right here.” Slowly, her brother emerged from the dark, removing his face coverings and giving her the brightest smile he could. “L and I came to rescue you. Heard you were in trouble-”

“Regi, get in the cage!”

Regi jumped in shock. “Marianne? What’s wrong-”

“You have to get in here!” she insisted. “Please, Ava told me that if we leave the cage we might die, so you have to get in here. Now!”

“Ava? Wait, you mean Lady Ava?”

“Yes! Now hurry up!” 

“No way.” He grabbed hold of the bars tightly, eyes glowing a soft lavender shine. “I’m getting you out of here. We gotta go now.”

“Dammit Regi, just listen to me!” With a strong arm, she threw open the door of the cage and grabbed her brother by the collar, dragging him in before closing it behind them. 

Just as she did, the lower half of a bandit flew at the cage and hit the bars, sliding down in a depressing pile of flesh and blood. 

Regi looked like he was going to faint. “Oh my god.” 

“Now do you see why?” Marianne returned to her spot, checking to make sure Darnell didn’t get hurt by her sudden movement. “We have to stay in here until L is done.”

“But...but that’s just...”

“I know. I know, Regi.”

The two waited in the cage for hours, curled up together and trying to block out the carnage. Marianne told her brother about the time in the camp so far. Being trapped in this cage. The encounter with Lady Ava. She even handed him the basket of cats to take comfort in. Meatloaf immediately warmed up to him, just as she thought she would. 

Though through all of the time, the siblings kept their eyes averted, trying to ignore the screams of terror and pain. 

It reminded them too much of before. 

Most of the campsite around the cage was burned to ashes now. Anyone who had managed to crawl out of the wreck didn’t last more than a few seconds. As the moon began to set, the screaming eventually started to calm down, until all was silent again. The flames died, and soon the sun slowly began to rise again. 

Marianne didn’t remember falling asleep during the night, but when she awoke, the cage was gone. 

“This isn’t good,” she muttered. 

Regi slowly woke up as well, eyes widening as he saw their protection gone. “Oh no.” 

Both siblings looked up at the sound of footsteps. Lady L, hooded and radiating with malice, slowly started to approach them at a frenzied pace. Bodies around them, long since dead, twitched and writhed on the ground as she got closer. 

“L?” Regi called. “Hey, come on. It’s fine now. We can go. Marianne’s safe. You did good. It’s time to stop, okay?”

Marianne felt her blood run cold. “She can’t speak your language anymore. She talks in the language of dead people now.”

L was only three feet away now, hand outstretched and ready to kill. 

“That’s enough, my darling.”

Marianne gasped when she saw Darnell had moved at a speed impossible for normal humans. Or rather, his body. The flower mark on his face was glowing softly, and his voice was distorted and warped. His body went right up to the necromancer, pulling her into a tender embrace. At first, L struggled against the contact at first, but after a moment, she began to relax, her low growling frustrations fading into a soft hum of content as she wrapped her arms around him. 

“Ava,” she muttered softly. 

Regi looked at Marianne in confusion. “What’s happening?”

Marianne smiled in relief. “Lady Ava interviened. We will not die today.”

L held on tighter, voice cracking slightly. “Ava-”

“Shh, it’s alright now,” Ava said softly. “You did well my dear. You did so very well. You can rest soon, I promise.”

As Regi was about to approach them, Marianne held her arm out, stopping him. “No. Leave them for a moment. Darnell will wake up and be back in control soon enough. Once both L and Darnell are settled, we’ll head back to camp and rest. Then come back here and gather whatever supplies that survived that we can.”

“Alright.” Regi’s ears twitched. “Wait. What’s that sound?”

Marianne strained to listen, her head still spinning from the carnage they’d just seen. Whatever it was, it was soft. Almost like silver bells dancing in the rain. Yet it was sharp, piercing right through her very core like the fiercest of arrows. She found herself drifting toward the sound. 

Cinders and dried blood crunched beneath her feet as she wandered through the remains of the bandit camp. There were still many bodies left that L had yet to ‘prepare’. Marianne tried to pay them no mind. Instead, she focused on the sound. The gleam of old weapons laying on the ground. Broken bows and dented swords. The fire still cooking whatever was meant to be dinner, along with a few other unmentionables. There was much damage to the tents, most of them becoming unusable. For the most part though, the supplies seemed to go untouched. Along with a couple of horse drawn carts. 

Those will be useful, she thought. If we can get them back to the others. These carts are bigger too. More space. We could probably sleep in them too. 

Eventually, Marianne found herself at the center of camp, where the priestesses and their tent were. But there were no priestesses. All of them had seemingly vanished. Cautiously, the healer stepped inside to see where the noise was coming from. 

The interior of the tent was far greater than its exterior, filled with books on shelves and fine furniture. There was a painting of an intimidating deity she’d never encountered before, with pale skin and snow white hair, and eyes red as blood. He stood before a congregation in tears, holding a mighty scepter over his head. Beyond that, however, the tent appeared rather ordinary. Almost like a study. Save for one, small detail. 

And that was the small, crying infant in a crib at the center of an alter. 

“Iona no,” she gasped, hurrying over and wrapping the child in the nearest piece of cloth she could find. She held the child in her arms, lightly rocking him as she hummed a sweet lullaby. The baby was very small, with snow white hair much like the deity in the painting. But as he began to calm down, Marianne could see his eyes were not red. They were green. 

The same emerald shine as Mykolas. 

“Marianne?” Regi entered the tent, slowly followed by L and Darnell, who had finally gone back to normal. “What’s going on-”

Marianne turned around, eyes welling with tears as she looked to Darnell. “What were the priestesses doing in here, Myko? Whose baby is this?”

Darnell’s face softened as he stepped forward in shame. “That’s my nephew, my sister Blanka’s son, Viktor. He’s only a week old.” He lightly ran a hand over the soft white hair. “My sisters were the head priestesses. They believed that they could potentially create a new god, using their magic and a great deal of study. Blanka offered to be the one to carry their ‘divine creation’. Viktor was meant to be just that. But...” He smiled gently. “But that didn’t work. Viktor was born without magic. He’s just a normal boy.”

“He’s an orphan boy now,” L lamented. “None of the priestesses survived my powers.”

Darnell shook his head, gently taking Viktor from Marianne’s arms. “He’s not an orphan. I’ll look after him.” 

“All by yourself?” Regi asked. “Taking care of a child is an enormous task. Are you sure you can do that?”

“I won’t know until I try.” 

Marianne and L exchanged a look, nodding in silent agreement. L took Regi’s hand and lead him out of the tent, while Marianne kept a hand on Darnell’s shoulder, following not far behind. 

“You’ll both be coming with us.”

[headoverhiddles]

Make It Double

So @mywhataguy and I liked the idea of Vlad being Gaston’s twin brother. This happened. 

Lefou came in from the market, whistling to himself as he set a basket of blueberries and a couple baguettes down on the wooden dinner table Gaston had built them. Picking out a few nice ones to eat, he popped a few berries into his mouth and wiped his lips before heading over to the sink, and-

His attention was diverted as he noticed his companion sitting on the couch, reading.

"Oh! You're up early," Lefou smiled. He was the morning person around here, not Gaston-- but anyway, it was nice to see him up, and even nicer to see the dishes in the sink had been polished and put away. "Well, this is a treat." He smirked to himself. Gaston probably wanted to get laid, that was honestly the only time he...

Wait, wait, hold on. Lefou's smile faltered, and his nose scrunched up. Was he reading?!

"You've... got a book?" Lefou went over, rubbing Gaston's shoulders and peering down over them, "That looks..." He squinted at the tiny words on what looked like very ancient paper, "Um... elaborate." His companion just hummed.

"It's a religious scroll I nabbed from home before coming over. Still got the blood of the Turkish prince on the last few pages." Lefou hesitated, and frowned.

"Yeah, alright. Anyway, I got some fresh eggs, so I'll get those cooking for y-"

"Eggs?" The man on the couch scowled, "Vile. I hate eggs. I'd much prefer sheep sausage with some lemon pudding, if you'd be so kind as to prepare it."

"Are you out of your mind?" Lefou blurted, crossing his arms, "I get up at the crack of dawn every morning to gather all the stupid eggs in our yard to make you your favourite stupid breakfast, and now it's suddenly "oh, I hate eggs, eggs are vile!" as you sit there on your ass asking me to prepare a three course meal?" He whipped back to finish washing the berries, but turned again to glower some more. "And where am I supposed to get lemons around here, Gaston?! Should I go ask that Enchantress out in the woods for some, and get turned into a fucking wheelbarrow while I'm at it?!"  The tall man cocked his head, and turned, getting up to face the chubby man in the kitchen. Lefou frowned. "Did you cut your hair?"

A slow smirk developed on the taller's face, and he shook his head, sighing.

"The idiot didn't tell you, did he?"

Lefou inclined his head expectantly.

"GASTON!"

The sleeping hunter roused at the shrill scream, and scowled. The sun was up, but it wasn't up enough, and this was way too early for him. Was that Lefou screeching? It had sounded like a rooster.

"GASTON, YOU BETTER GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Gaston heaved a sigh, forcing himself up. He probably left his socks on the rug again or something.

As he rose, he realized he wasn't wearing any pants- oh right, he and Lefou had had a late one at the tavern last night and ended up shagging until the small hours- so he tugged on some breeches and shambled his way out to the living room of their little cottage.

"Lefou, what's got you-"

He turned to the other man standing there, and blinked. "Oh. Vlad. You came early." Lefou raised his eyebrows so high they looked like they were about to jump off his forehead, and Vlad crossed his arms. Gaston laughed. "Lefou did that too, last night."

"THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR SEX JOKES!" Lefou shouted, and Gaston flinched. Yes, it was true he neglected to tell his love that he... well...

"I have a twin brother," Gaston told Lefou, refusing to look him in the eye in fear of the fire he would find there. "This is Vlad Tepes. He's... from very far from here. I haven't seen him in years!"

"Tepes... is that a ma-ri-tal name?" Lefou sounded it out shortly, tapping his foot.

"Nope," Gaston grimaced.

Lefou glared. "So you're telling me, that your last name isn't Deveneaux-- it's Tepes?! Gaston Tepes?! Therefore, if we ever got married, I'd be LEFOU TEPES?!"

"What's wrong with Tepes? It means appetizer in your culture," Vlad muttered.

"No, that's tapas," Gaston informed him under his breath.

"Would you two shut up?!" Lefou growled. "When were you going to tell me this, Gaston?" he demanded.

"Well, I thought it would be best not to," Gaston tried, "In case there ever came a situation where I didn't want to be there, and I could use him-"

"Gaston."

"Look, I just didn't feel the need to, alright?!" Gaston muttered, flopping down on the couch and sticking his arms behind his head, "My brother's..."

"He didn't tell you, because he's worried you'll think I'm hotter," Vlad flashed a grin.

"Excuse me?!" Gaston bellowed, getting up again and clenching his jaw, "I know for certain my beloved Lefou would never be unfaithful to me!"

"Unless he couldn't tell us apart, dear brother," Vlad chuckled, and Gaston grabbed him by the shirt.

"You touch him-"

"I don't want to touch him," Vlad shoved Gaston off him with such ridiculously superhuman strength the hunter went flying into the wall with a crash, "Although... you did always have impeccable taste in men."

Gaston smirked, forgetting his rage. "And you always had wonderful taste in women. How's Mina, by the way?"

"Dead," Vlad murmured, "Pity I couldn't save her-- but that's another long story."

Lefou squeaked. So this was happening. "Well, if you're staying for a while, I'll get breakfast on. You don't like egg, do you? Got it. Blueberries then, Vlad?"

"Actually, have you got any red meat? Preferably uncooked."

"What the f-"

"Lefou!" Gaston swallowed, and tugged his lover's sleeve as he began to notice his brother stirring at the idea of red meat, "I believe we actually have some unfinished business from l-last night, don't we, darling?!"

Lefou blushed. "Gaston..." The hunter grimaced as Vlad took out some carved up deer meat they had kept on some ice, opened his mouth, and-

"To the bedroom!" Gaston shouted, whirling him around, and Lefou frowned.

"But-"

"I just can't wait any longer, I must have you," Gaston gulped, and shut the door. He began to kiss Lefou, but the shorter man just pushed him off.

"Why is he here?" Lefou hissed once they were alone.

"I don't know," Gaston confessed, running a hand through his hair. "I invited him in the spring, so you could finally meet him... properly."

"Uh huh," Lefou shook his head. After a minute, he sat down on their bed, and sighed. "Gaston... I'm sorry for making a big deal out of it." He sighed, "I just would've liked a little notice."

"I..." Gaston seemed as if he was about to apologize, but got distracted as he caught his reflection in their mirror, smirking and making a kissy face.

"For the love of god," Lefou muttered, and suddenly, there was a crash outside. Lefou got up instantly, but Gaston grabbed his wrist.

"Wait."

"Wait? Why?" Lefou snatched his hand back, and opened the door. "....Oh my god."

There was blood all over the table, Vlad feeding on whatever was left of that deer they had. He looked up, sharp incisors in plain sight, and Lefou fainted.

Gaston looked down at his companion, and let out a growl. "You get to explain this."

"Fine," Vlad shrugged, "Are there any more deer in your area, brother? That one was sweet."

When Lefou woke up, it took about an hour for him to accept the story.

"So... you became a vampire because you wanted to save your people from the... Turks?" Lefou asked slowly, raising the bottle of brandy his mother had given them when they had visited Provence.

"Essentially, yes," Vlad nodded. Lefou turned to Gaston incredulously.

"So... so you led an entire raid on a castle to kill a Beast because that was 'dark magic', yet you sit here, across from a vampire, as if he's the most normal thing on this planet?!"

"Well, I grew up with him," Gaston shrugged.

"Is it true you led a raid driven by hatred?" Vlad asked, frowning, and Gaston rolled his eyes.

"One has to keep up appearances! I can't just announce to everyone in the village, 'oh, you can all relax. My brother is a vampire, so there's no need to worry over a hideous monster living in the woods!'" Lefou huffed at that, and Vlad crossed his arms.

"I'm telling mum."

"You told me your mother was dead!" Lefou shrieked at Gaston.

"She is," Vlad and Gaston both answered in sync. Lefou's eyes widened, and he would've fainted again if Gaston didn't toss cold water at his face. The dripping Lefou blinked.

"So, Vlad," he croaked, "How long are you staying?"

It was a poor decision on Lefou's part to let his companion's twin stay.  Gaston being Gaston, he couldn't keep a secret for longer than two days, and soon the entire village was acquainted with Vlad.

One day, Lefou took them both out to get some more jam. Stanley walked by, tipping his hat.

"Morning, Monsieur Lefou. Morning, Monsieur Vlad."

"That's Gaston," Lefou sighed.

"Morning Gaston!" Tom shouted with a large smile from the cheese monger at the man standing by the tapestries, and Lefou whipped around.

"That's Vlad."

"Oh," Dick muttered, and tipped his hat. "Bonjour, Gaston," he smiled at Vlad, and Lefou smacked his forehead. Vlad just laughed, and Lefou dragged him over to where Gaston was buying flowers.

"You were never the romantic type, what's changed?" Vlad frowned at his brother.

"I've learned how to please my love," Gaston retorted defensively, "Lefou likes flowers, so I buy him new ones for the table every morning." Lefou snuggled up to his arm in appreciation, and they shared a kiss.

Vlad looked from Lefou, to Gaston, to the bouquets of cardamoms... and picked out a bunch, paying for it.

And so the rivalry began.

Lefou would come home every day, and Vlad and Gaston would both be at the door, waiting to take his coat. Vlad would have a glass of fine wine waiting for him, and Gaston would have his latest kill roasting on the fire.

When they went on hunting trips, Vlad insisted he was a better hunter than Gaston, which Gaston laughed into oblivion at, so they spent the entire time bitterly fighting to show off in front of Lefou.

Gaston was so close to claiming the winning kill with his crossbow as Lefou looked on in reverie, but Vlad transformed into a colony of bats, practically eating the prey alive where they waited. Gaston clenched his fists.

"You cheated."

Eventually, it reached a point where they would argue in public.

"I'm more impressive than you in every way," Vlad told Gaston with that smug look (Lefou guessed where Gaston got it from), "Mina used to rave for days about how the muscles in my back rippled so."

"Please, I could lift two people on my shoulders!" Gaston spat back, "I'm this town's hero. I don't remember you being a war hero!"

"Oh, that's incredibly low," Vlad growled, "I fought off 25,000 Turks on my own, but you saving your quaint little town from a couple dozen Portuguese Marauders ultimately conquers my battle glory." He took a breath. "And on top of being a hero, Gaston, I am a Prince! I don't believe you have such a title to your name, do you?"

"Oh, you're a prince," Gaston scoffed, "The very thing I tried to kill."

"Tried being the key word," Vlad muttered. "But I'm glad you didn't That's all you knew how to do, was kill," he argued, "I know how to deal with things diplomatically. I wouldn't have gone to war if I could have avoided it- you thirsted for it!"

"This war left me with mental scars," Gaston seethed.

"I can't show you all my scars," Vlad bit back, "It would take days."

"Oh, you got hurt a lot," Gaston pouted, "My poor, royal brother. Would you like me to fetch your palace hands to help you treat them?"

"You know... I'm twenty seconds older than you," Vlad hissed.

"Well, I've probably got a bigger dick than you!" Gaston said a little too loudly, "Right Lefou?!" In the seats in front of them, Stanley choked.

"Is everything alright?" Père Robert asked apprehensively, pausing his sermon.

"Oh yes, everything is fine, sir," Vlad smiled cordially.

"HE'S A VAMPIRE!" Gaston shouted petulantly, and stood Lefou up, storming out with him as everyone turned to glance at a very pale Vlad.

That night, Lefou made some roast ham and served it with fresh veggies from their garden and mulled blackberry wine in an effort to make things better with everyone.

"Mmm," Gaston smiled, rubbing Lefou's back and taking his hand, "This wine is sweet, darling."

"I bet Lefou tastes sweeter," Vlad winked.

"I can't tell if that's an advance or an offer to suck my blood," Lefou quirked his head.

Gaston got up from the table, chair flying back as he rolled up his sleeves and regarded his brother. "Fight me for him. Right now." Vlad got up too, baring his fangs, and under normal circumstances, Lefou would either a), hide under the table as his precious vases and ham got destroyed in TepesBowl 1743, or b), finish his green beans in blissful ignorance, pretending to ignore the egg Gaston just hurled across his house.

But no. These were no normal circumstances.

"That. Is. It!" Lefou shouted, and got up as well. "For god's sake, you're brothers! I get that I'm hot, okay, and I know I'm cute as a goddamn button, but frankly, neither of you deserve me right now!"

"But, Lefou-" Gaston began to protest weakly.

"You can share! Please. Just share! Gaston, I love you more than anything, dear. But Vlad- you're really sexy too, okay?!"

"You wound me, Lefou," Gaston breathed, and Lefou pranced over to press five kisses to his face, finally to his lips.

"You'll always be my love. But... don't you think you two can simply take turns?"

"Never," Vlad sneered, fangs already glinting.

"Then I'm going to march my little ass right down the street and put a ring on Stanley's finger," Lefou snapped at both men.

"Wait!"

"No, wait, we can share."

Lefou rolled his eyes, and plunked back down as Gaston and Vlad looked across the table at each other.

"Well... we are brothers," Vlad mumbled, looking down.

"Yes," Gaston sighed, "We are."

"You... you may not have been the romantic type, but you helped me get my first girlfriend by failing to woo her," Vlad attempted, managing a smile.

"You... may not have been the fighting type, but you helped me kill my first soldier by missing his heart," Gaston offered.

"Now..." Vlad smiled.

"Now, we're both masters of fucking and fighting!" Gaston finished, a smile blossoming. Vlad nodded cheerfully, and they both raised a glass, gulping the wine down. Then Gaston shrugged. "Of course, Lefou... my infamous biting skills run in the family." Both brothers turned to stare at Lefou, ravenous expressions upon their faces. Lefou swallowed, dropping his fork.

What had he gotten himself into?  

Needless to say, the townspeople were more than a little worried when Lefou not only had a stomach bite to show off at the tavern the next night, but alongside his two proud boyfriends, ten more all over his properly worshipped body.

Read on ao3.

[firemagicked]

THESE ARE NOT COLORS (but answer them anyways): Imperial, Chili, Spice, Squash, Jumpsuit, Safety, Sunshine, Laurel, Brunswick, Army, Peacock, Parchment, Lace, Ghost, Egg-nog, Sugar cookie, Fossil, Spider

Imperial - Are you in any position of power or authority? 

“An interesting question. Technically I suppose I have rank in Atlas via being accountant and HR Department Head but Atlas is fairly informal. Unless someone’s made a grievous budgeting error I can’t see ever even needing to test that - the hardest part of my position was being under someone who thought sticky notes were the epitome of paperwork. Even he’s greatly improved… to the point I’m pretty sure the remaining ones that happen are on purpose.”

Chilli - Do you like spicy foods?

“Yes, I do enjoy them. Especially now when I don’t feel heat the way I used to - my tastebuds are unaffected as it isn’t actually temperature so it’s a way to get a similar experience as everyone else.”

Spice - Do you like to cook?

“No, I learned how by virtue of living on my own often enough. I’ve never been an avid food aficionado. As I said above there are foods I enjoy, but I’ve also been known to pick at my food and move it around more than eat. On the other hand, I have a child to feed now, and my conjured food is not what he needs - or what Ash on an inventing binge needs either.”

Squash - Do you live in an agricultural setting?  If so, are you a farmer or something of the sort? What kind of crops do you grow?

“No, with the land we have now we likely could. But we also have a small stable of curious creatures and while I have come to enjoy poking at plants more often and even gardening here and there - I blame Atlas’ tropical atmosphere for the need to take it home with me - I can’t say I, or either of the others are particularly inclined toward farming. We do grow some herbs for alchemical purposes - its easier than having to import the rare ones all the time.”

Jumpsuit - Have you ever been arrested/ in trouble with authority?

“Mmm, I answered this one more fully already. I could tell you the story of how I met Flynn and almost got him arrested instead for being a terrible thief. But more to the point I am currently in no official trouble with any authority. Though should Lady Starsong ever decide it worth the effort to bring official attention to matters between us… Its too unlikely to happen to think of.”

Safety - What is the most traumatic experience in your life?

“I usually answer this sort of question with my sister’s death. It definitely had the most long term impact on my psyche. However it can probably be tossed up now with the time I died in Lyn’s arms and came back to Lyn and Ash trying to kill each other. That’s also had its own long term consequences on my physicality. There’s also the matter of distance - I have finally come to terms with Lis’ death. My own? Well. Krev is still out there and we couldn’t exactly stop him last time.”

Sunshine - Are you a more active or lazy person? 

“Active. I’ll enjoy a lazy morning once in awhile… and I’ll admit one effect Sunsoul has had on me (besides the multitude of other ones of course) is I greatly enjoy a good sunbeam like I never did before. But I prefer doing something - not that something has to be necessarily actively physical, as long as it is mentally stimulating. having nothing to do makes me… twitchy.”

Laurel - Is there a major victory you’ve achieved in your life? if so, what is it? 

“Helping kill that damn cultist priest certainly felt good.” He rubs absently at his neck with a scowl. “But despite how things ended - I greatly enjoyed working my way up to being an accomplished relic hunter under Lady Starsong. And…”

“Don’t tell Lyn, but despite how it all ended, helping to wake some of the Paragons of the Klaxxi was nearly a high at the time. There was a flush of accomplishment with each new bit of their history uncovered and it felt a lot like being a part of something huge. Which… was true. Just not, precisely, what I wanted to be a part of.”

Brunswick - Are you a person who is often jealous? what makes you jealous most often? 

“…Sometimes, I think. About strange things. And in unexpected ways. When Mira asked about Lyn doing marriage tattoos for her and her future husband, I was not expecting the surge of possessiveness over the idea. That at least is probably close enough to count. Magic and bond related things, perhaps. But the normal things people get jealous over, sex and romance? Not really. Maybe sometimes, with Lyn in certain ways but definitely not with Ash. I trust if they really want to sleep with someone else they’ll let me know first, which is the important part. Oddly enough, i don’t like finding out months later my partner has been sleeping with several other people and didn’t think it warranted a conversation.”

Army - Do you have a fighting style? If so, what is it?

“Light things on fire until they’re ash. No?” he smirked. “It depends on who I’m with and who I’m fighting. For instance I do prefer a sword over a staff if I’m by myself and don’t mind the close combat that can entail when channeling through it. Unless it’s a death knight. To hell with all of them and their anti magic EVERYTHING. That said while I’m a good swordsman, I’m not a great one and I would much rather end a serious fight as quickly as possible - I’ll bring out my heaviest magics as soon as I can and keep to a very agile sword style with as much distracting overly flashy no substance spells that I can miss in so they miss the real ones.”

“If Lyn is around I am, of course, almost always a proper distance from the front lines. I’ve learned better than to try and get closer - I’ll only end up distracting him and as long as I can see the enemy I can strike perfectly well from behind him.”

Peacock - Are you a more flashy person, or do you like to blend in?

“Unless the job requires it, I’ll be flashy as fuck. Half the fun can be in drawing people’s attention - and its not like its hard. Everyone likes to look at things that sparkle - and fire does that like nobodies business. I’m not even immune - ask Ash sometime about the ice and fire show he drew me in with and let me participate in.”

“And yes, the threadbare midriff baring robe I habitually wear is also fun as hell - in public anyway. It’s just normal around Atlas now. I don’t think anyone notices except perhaps for Darnath to fuel his jokes but it has been hinted at why wear it in the city if I don’t want to be touched? To which I explain I like having the excuse to light people on fire, obviously.”

Parchment - Do you like to read or write? 

“Yes. Reading, moreso. It was perhaps my only ‘lazy’ pastime when Temeraith was still around. I liked being read to and also reading to him, as well as just enjoying it for itself. Writing… It’s fine to do for work, but I don’t particularly enjoy it creatively. Unless perhaps the rune carving counts… that is rather fun and I can sort of see why Lyn might have found some enjoyment in creating his tattoos.”

Lace - What would you name your child if you were to have one?

“Huh. Tam already came with one. There’s a good chance any child I had already would considering outside of some feats of outlandish magic, I’m going to be adopting any children I have. …I’d probably follow my parents in naming the child based on their parents first letter. Which made it easy for them - Liana and Lothir had Lisaerys and Lyren. And honestly, I’ve got either an L from me or Lyn to work with or an A from Ash.”

Ghost - Are you easily scared? What scares you the most? 

“Easily? Probably not. What scares me the most is being the last one left behind if Ash and Lyn both died. I think these days, I could handle it with only a little more insanity than a normal person if one of them died. But I don’t know that I could handle both and I fear for any friends left behind in any scenario involving that.”

Egg-nog - Do you celebrate Winter’s Veil? If so, what traditions do you have? Which are your favorite?

“Oh, I celebrate Winter’s Veil. We’ve put up some magic around the outside for decorating… though I’ll admit it’s not my favorite holiday. It’s more Ash’s. I don’t have any strong traditions beyond the exchange of presents and some time just the four of us - otherwise its a great time to see many friends with he excuse of dropping off small gifts.”

Sugar cookie - What reminds you of your childhood? 

“Academies, I suppose. …Sometimes when sewing. My mother sewed. But Lis and I were sent off for tutoring in magic fairly early in life. We were precocious - the humans I think sometimes call the early onset of out of control magic sorcerers but for our kind, well. We all have that potential. Still we were particularly strong and neither of our parents well gifted as either priests or mages. So, academies. Oh, ugly plain, multi layered robes. My own tasteless conjured mana buns can do it too.”

Fossil - Do you have any older relatives other than your parents? If so, how many? Do you like them? 

“My father has an older sisters that produced a couple of cousins at some point. That’s it as far as I know. We were never particularly close. There might have been a sister on my mother’s side too - I saw a picture of a redhead once my father was looking at but he never explained who she was so if she exists, they must be estranged.”

Spider - What irrational fears do you have? 

“…You know this question is very suspicious. Why do people need to know all these things?” He grumbled, crossing his arms and glaring up at the shadows from his not very impressive height. “…Water. Drowning, if you must known. Basically anything over the height of my head. Satisfied?”

((OMG thank you so much for all the questions!

@darnath (and @adrekan @ashenvald @mira-ashsong for mentions.) 

[bestfriendforhire]

Entry 284

 As Raine purred to Pufflewink, I worried that she might fall asleep before we even headed off, but Raine merely yawned and started on her way.  Cosette and I quickly followed on our characters.

 Listening to Raine ramble on about the different types of materials we might find was priceless.  She was obviously quite excited at the prospect of getting any of them.  “Eternite”, a stone harder than any steel, was my favorite of the possibilities, since she’d be able to craft a new type of forge which would grant bonuses on all things she crafted or repaired at it.  “Stardust” was actually a possibility.  Stardust was an irradiated mineral that could be used for many types of fire enchantments on weapons.  “Celestine” was a metal that granted “heavenly properties” to any items forged with it.

 There were so many times I was tempted to ask Aaliyah for spoilers, but I wasn’t going to give into that temptation, not with how unfair that would be to other players.  Running the largest guild on the server, I had considerable impact on the world with everything I did already.  If I started using spoilers to boost my guild further, the other guilds would be left too far behind, spoiling the fun for everyone.

 “Are you two ready for this?” I asked as we reached the edge of the civilized area.

 “Of course.” insisted Cosette.

 I heard Raine take a deep breath and looked over to see her nodding.  Had she been out this far even since the beginning?

 The wilderness of Ancient Tribes of Earth could be a dangerous place with such a small group.  The farther from civilization one adventured, the more dangerous the creatures that would lurk around.

 We hadn’t traveled very far when a group of goblins set upon us.  I easily incinerated them on sight.

 “T-that was�� t-that was kinda… m-mean.” mumbled Raine.

 “Huh?  They were going to attack us.” I replied.

 “B-but w-what if… if t-they w-wanted to… to t-talk.” she suggested.

 “I’ve never seen goblins wanting to talk before, and we need to be careful.” I insisted.

 She huddled down more in her chair, not looking very happy.

 “I’m sorry.  I’ll try talking first next time.” I assured her.

 Cosette was doing her best not to laugh, which was somewhat disturbing to see.  Her lips had vanished entirely.  The idea of altering one’s own body in such a way was bizarre to me, but I kind of envied the ability.  Having seen Cosette turn into a bear in real life made me wonder how it felt.  Could a person sleep more comfortably as a bear?

 We pressed onward, eventually encountering another group of goblins.  I dodged their first couple attacks while trying to speak with them quite unsuccessfully when I heard something strange coming from Raine’s mouth.

 “Whoa.  You actually speak goblin?” asked Cosette, having a mouth again.

 I caught Raine nodding out of the corner of my eye as I continued avoiding attacks.  Surprisingly, several of the goblins stopped to scratch their heads, staring at Nekopawpaw, Raine’s character.  Some dialogue was exchanged between Nekopawpaw and one of them.

 “T-they…  t-they…” muttered Raine.  “w-want to eat us.”

 “I guess we kill them first then.” I stated, preparing to strike.

 “N-no!” exclaimed Raine.  “I-I’m g-giving them food… i-instead.”

 “Oh.  Sorry.” I told her.

 After the exchange was made, most of the goblins cautiously backed away.  One little fellow lunged at Nekopawpaw though.  I panicked, knowing my character wasn’t that fast even though I was.

 I found myself staring, replaying what just happened in my mind.  Nekopawpaw had stepped backward, drawn out a giant smithing hammer, and bonked the goblin on the head midair.  Stars swirled around its head, indicating the creature was dazed.

 “B-bad goblin.” rebuked Raine.

 “How did you learn to speak goblin?” asked Cosette.

 “T-the l-library.  M-most languages c-can be f-found there.” she explained.  “Aalilyah t-told me.  H-her c-character always t-talks her way out of t-things.”

 “I honestly had assumed that was just some GM ability.” I admitted, watching warily as the goblin stood and ran off.

 “N-no.  I-I’ll get b-better.” insisted Raine.

 “I’m sure you will.” I assured her.

 “Know any of the other rare languages?” asked Cosette.

 “All t-that are in the g-guild library.” mumbled Raine.

 Looking impressed, Cosette said, “Whoa.  You’ve been busy.  Mind showing me sometime?”

 “I-I’ll g-glady show you.” replied Raine with a smile.

 “Mila, how many books on languages are stored in our guild library?” I asked.

 “Three hundred and one, master.  I would be happy to teach them to you.” she replied.

 “Not right now.” I told her.

 “Three hundred and one!?  That’s crazy!” exclaimed Cosette with a grin.  “And they’re really full languages?”

 “Y-yes.” stated Raine.

 At the same time, Mila said, “Of course.  What else would you expect from mother?  Her father is a linguist, you know.  I will warn you that their use in everyday life will be slightly cumbersome, since she created no words for things that are not found outside of the game.  Some of the languages are limited even within the game.  Goblins, for example, have no word for ‘door’.  They don’t use doors, make doors, or care about doors, so they never bothered with naming it.”

 “Aww… I still feel we could have fun with it.” insisted Cosette.

 “I should also warn you that learning the language yourself doesn’t count as your character learning it.” explained Mila.  “If you were to speak goblin as Raine did, your words will sound like nonsense to those around you unless your character has the skill.”

 “Why did you offer to teach me then?” I asked.

 “Because you know I’m far better than a book, master.” she teased.

 Cosette giggled and said, “Who can argue with that?”

 I certainly wasn’t willing to try.  We continued farther and farther into the wilderness, letting Raine talk down numerous creatures on the way.  Though even Raine couldn’t talk to giant frogs we encountered near a river, she actually didn’t complain about killing them.  She did, however, insist on us killing them without magic, since she wanted their meat for cooking.

 Hours after we set out on our journey, we were finally getting close.  Seeing what was ahead, I wanted to turn back.  The land was corrupted precisely like what had happened when demons entered the world.

 “We’re so close though!  Can’t we just be careful?” asked Cosette.

 “We can try, but we’re goners if we encounter the creature.  This might be the one that escaped last summer.” I told her.

 “Wasn’t playing yet.  How bad was it?” she asked.

 “The guild formed to fight them, and every last one of us died during the last battle, trying to fight two demons at once.  We did manage to kill one of them though.” I explained.

 “What!?  How much of the guild was there?” she asked.

 “Over twenty thousand members.” I stated.  “Ancient Tribes of Earth somehow manages full army combat without crashing the server or causing low end PCs to freeze.”

 “I kinda want to see this.  That sounds so cool!” she exclaimed.

 “Y-you d-didn’t have to d-do so many r-repairs for people.” muttered Raine.

 “Oh.  Yeah.  I suppose we did make you a bit busier than normal even.” I admitted.  “Sorry!”

 “I d-don’t mind.” she replied.

 “Let’s do this!” exclaimed Cosette, heading onward.

  I sighed, hoping I didn’t lose all of my gear.  Worse would be losing the traveling stone I carried.  Even the loss of one would make conquering this demon harder.  Following Cosette into the tainted lands, I felt we most certainly were having an adventure.

[kbaldwin0609]

‘The Bachelor’ Episode 9 Recap: ‘Why Can’t I Just Have a Normal Relationship?’

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for Episode 9 of The Bachelor.

Welcome to week 9, rose lovers! I’m not gonna lie — it was real hard not to fast-forward past the whole “Andi surprises Nick” garbage and just pretend it never happened, but I persevered, because that’s what professional recappers do. Let’s get through it… together.

“Hey,” blurts Nick, as he awkwardly ushers Andi inside and offers her a drink. (“I think this conversation might call for some whiskey,” says the former Bachelorette, playing her role to a T.) “What the f*** is she doing here?” wonders Nick. Filling time? Giving the guy who edits the promos something to work with? Auditioning to host a new ABC Digital series about speed dating? Who the hell knows. What we do know, however, is that queen Vanessa is not happy.

Don’t worry, honey — that’s the whole point of this show! Come on, Team Bachelor, let’s move things along with the whole “Andi gives Nick advice” thing and finish the rose ceremony that should have happened last week.

The former Bachelorette now lives in New York, apparently, and just wanted to check in on her ex to see how the whole televised wife hunt is going. “It’s been good,” he says. “I have four very smart women, very strong-headed women.” “And they stuck around?” retorts Andi. (Gurl, let she who has not gone to the fantasy suite with Juan Pablo cast the first stone, okay?) As the whiskey starts to seep into his system, Nick gets a little more relaxed, and he starts teasing Andi back. “You dumped me on national television!” he reminds her, as though she could ever forget. “And now you’re going to be dumping 29 girls,” notes Andi. Nick’s response — a mumbled “maybe 30” — just blows Andi’s mind.

That’s right, toots. Nick’s not about to give a chunky Neil Lane diamond to someone he doesn’t really want to marry “just because she’s the last one standing.” (Somewhere, Brad Womack is in a corner, alternately pumping his fist and weeping.) But forget everything Nick just said, because he really does think this is going to work. And that brings us to the REAL reason Andi is here: Payback. Back in 2014, spurned suitor Nick shocked Andi (and thrilled producers) during the After the Final Rose special by putting this non-question to her on live television: “If you weren’t in love with me, I’m just not sure why… like, why you made love with me.” Looks like Andi’s been waiting three long years to get him back for that “below the belt” (no pun intended) comment.

To his credit, Nick doesn’t seem too chastened by this pointed query. Though “as a man” he wants to get down with all the women, as a reality TV veteran he’s not sure it’s the best idea (lest he get put on blast on live TV). Andi counsels him to do it, if he sees “potential” with the woman in question. The meeting ends with the final task on the Nick Viall Image Redemption To-Do List.

Not for nothing, pal, but it appears the “ladies” have just been standing downstairs shivering this whole time.

And we’ve been waiting a week for this damn ceremony. Get a move on! Yeah, yeah, everything’s “amazing,” “special,” “difficult” — we get it. HAND OUT THE ROSES! And the three women heading to the Fantasy Suite are: Raven, Rachel and… Vanessa. Holy crap, rose lovers — it’s over. Corinne’s reign of camera-hogging terror is over!

Heads up, Raquel: Time to whip up a big batch of cheese pasta, because your Corinne is coming home and she’ll have a whole lot of feelings to eat. Despite her defiant head shake, Corinne quickly succumbs to her disappointment and breaks down in tears. “I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset,” she sobs as Nick leads her downstairs. He comforts Corinne as you would a small child, smoothing her hair and smooching her forehead. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” says Nick. “Not a thing.” She doesn’t ask for more of an explanation, and he doesn’t offer one. In perhaps her most mature move of the season, Corinne whimpers a sad but heartfelt “Good luck” before climbing into the Reject Limo.

Girl, who says you can’t? Next time, though, try looking for it somewhere other than national television. I’m almost positive your results will be better. Oh, who am I kidding? We’ll see you in Paradise, honey — and here’s hoping your promise to “never kiss up to a man again in my life” holds true.

Related: ‘The Bachelor’: Nick Viall Explains his Fashion Choices

The next morning, Nick hops a (promotional consideration provided by) Finnair flight to Inari-Saariselka in Lapland, Finland. Here he will romance the final three women among the snow and limited sunlight, in his ongoing search for emotional “clarity.” Raven, you’re up first! And she has two things on her “never have I ever” to-do list: Tell Nick she’s in love with him, and let him know that she’s never had an orgasm. (Though how he doesn’t know this by now, I can’t understand — she’s said it about 12 times in the promos already.)

First up, though, is a helicopter tour of the wintry landscape, and then darts and drinks by the fire at a local pub. Nick and Raven chat about hometowns, familial love, domestic chores — he’ll do the cooking, she’ll fold the laundry — and fantasy suite nerves. In case you missed it the first 19 times…

But now Raven’s feeling optimistic. “Today’s the day!” Let’s hope so, honey.

At dinner, Raven screws up her courage and finally tells Nick and his gigantic turtleneck that she’s never told a man that she loves him. (Her last boyfriend, meanwhile, only said it to her when he was drunk. Man, that guy sounds like a real winner.) “The way that I feel about you, I never felt about him,” says Raven, who gets increasingly emotional as she tries to share her feelings with Nick. “From the very beginning, it was easy for me to see you as a partner… With every step of the way you have made it so easy for me to love you, that I felt I missed an opportunity during hometowns for me to tell you… I do love you.”

Somebody set off the confetti cannons — she did it! And it really did look tough, so good for you, Raven. I’ll admit I almost wanted Nick to pull a Ben Higgins and say it back, just so Raven’s first experience with dropping the l-bomb would be a good one. But the Bachelor knows better, so he just answers with a kiss.

Raven’s work isn’t over yet, though. When Nick whips the Fantasy Suite card out from under his plate, she doesn’t hesitate to accept — but there’s a catch.

“I was not expecting that,” admits Nick, when he learns of Raven’s predicament. But he’s ready to accept the challenge… next week? Alas, yes. Looks like we’ll have to wait for next week’s “three-hour extravaganza” to find out if Nick’s night with Raven earned him a trip to Red Lobster, and to see his dates with Rachel and Vanessa, of course. After that, it’ll be time for the Women Tell All — and the best part of the whole season: bloopers.

And with that, this leg of Nick’s “journey” comes to an abbreviated end. Are you shocked Corinne went home — or that she stayed this long? Is Vanessa really in trouble, or is Team Bachelor just working their editing magic? And how much time do you think they wasted shooting that Rocky 4-style training montage?

Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to send Raven a gift card for The Pleasure Chest.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. Watch clips and full episodes of The Bachelor for free on Yahoo View.

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