#she told me that her stomach was hurting really bad and she hadnt eaten at all yet today

[ethernetmeep]

emotional tangent which is Dumb and has no real meaning to it ahead

Was obligated to tell my counselor something i didnt want to tell her. Got called the r slur in lunch by some 8th grader & got immensely effected. Got told something not very nice (not related to the r slur thing, although that didnt help) and proceeded to cry backstage because i didnt comprehend why. Almost didnt perform because i was genuinely so unable to do anything except cry. Keyword almost because eventually i got myself in check.. people liked my performance, including my history teacher & english teacher. Was just proud i was able to do it and that i didnt back out.

My tiredness may also be due to the fact i hadnt eaten anything…… i was meaning to eat one of the donuts but felt weird & awkward & was nervous. Have donuts at home anyway. Didnt eat lunch cause of the r slur thing plus just generally didnt want the pizza. Felt bad for existing again and immensely guilty for being so visibly emotional. Two girls stopped & asked if i was okay and wouldnt exactly budge until i talked. Didn’t mean to be seen crying but i think i was.. Principal herself stooped beside me as i was sitting near the doors to the auditorium and asked if i was okay and needed anything…. I know i diss her at times but shes Sweet. Also saw my old spanish teacher… school officer showed up though and scared the shit out of me. Why were so many people concerned for me,??? I dont get it.. Why…. I cant comprehend it..

Backstage audio with music was very loud & scary… i didnt want to just run out as i was still crying, so i had to sit and endure it. Horrible. Had sat in a very niche corner of the backstage to have my existence be one hard to find.. it worked until there was technical difficulties yet simultaneously didnt work because a handful of people saw me distraught & upset. Had to move. Didnt want to but i did, didnt want to do anything. I got better, but it still wasnt pleasant. Crowd was loud & people were loud & noises kept going & mouths kept moving & i only contributed to my own agony by talking too. Too much noise… i tried putting my headphones on for the really awful parts but they didnt seem to help much, still got overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by how many emotions i had today and by the end i was emotioned out per se… although emotioned isnt a real word.. It was a lot is what i Mean.

Eventually got myself back together and went back to my seat. was growing irritated because of the noise once again & how many people were starting to file in. Zoned out on what half of the stuff the guy next to me was saying. Talked & talked & talked because thats what i do and simultaneously hate that i do at times. Told him too much and let myself be unfiltered which is a bad idea because my unfiltered self is loud and i dont always like it. Told him he reminded me of a robin and that i was a chickadee…………

Now i seem to be somewhat of a … um. Husk. Of emotion. Theyre all muddled and i dont like it and my stomach hurts & everything is painful. Got told news that only made this worse by my mother, specifically that DCF was not going to shut the case and that the so called optional after school program our worker wanted me to do is not in fact optional anymore. I just want this to be over with, nothing seems to be helping anything & its all very overwhelming and scary. All i can do is cry and i feel pathetic for it because i should be better & more well rounded but i seem to be a hexagon when im meant to be like. A circle or something. Sorry i dont have good metaphors right now.

I also got a call from a number i didnt recognize & didnt realize this until i checked my phone as i was backstage…. I didnt call them back because i didnt know who it was & because i also was in general not in the greatest state to talk. I think someone wanted to talk to me but i didnt realize it & now i feel bad because i look like a dick when i dont mean to.

I also remember something i knew would happen happening and getting very mad despite absolutely everything. I was so pissed & kept saying said phrase aloud because i was genuinely unable to contain my distain. I was incredibly annoying today and i think it was because i was so anxious. Sometimes i talk a lot when im excited but sometimes it can also be because im word vomiting and just need to do something so i dont fall over and die. I had my sea slug friend with me though… they helped a lot..

I know its an inanimate object & dumb & stupid but i appreciate my slug friend. Havent given them a name & i should but i have no clue what… ive brought them with me to many places… the [I REALIZED MID TYPING I WAS TECHNICALLY DOXXING MYSELF TO AN EXTENT HERE.] aquarium is one i can remember, maybe even the [HERE TOO.] aquarium.. and many other places. they are dear to me because they are compact and my friend. if i didnt have something to hold today i think it would’ve been worse, so im happy i had my buddy.. im happy i was able to get over the fear i had & was able to still perform…. i also got my schedule changed to the elective i really wanted.. that makes me happy. im just happy to be home… i still have a prevalent headache but at least i get to try and sleep.. theres many things i regret from today and am ready for a night of being a pupa.

Im so ready to get home and go into a cocoon for the next 24 hours

[ealouis]

7/27 vent pt 1

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[dyaz-stories]

“you’re the only delivery person who gets to my house in any semblance of the word fast which is why i keep requesting you but you don’t believe me and tease me constantly about it” AU

AU by @dailyau and @demineil. Enjoy!

Modern AU, Inukag and Mirsan, crack-ish I guess. Just a short little something because I liked this idea ^-^

Word count: 1,636

Kagome practically jumped when she heard her stomach grumbling. In a daze, she looked at her computer screen, glancing at the time for the first time that day.

10 p.m.

Shit. When was the last time I ate? I don’t remember eating at noon… Did I even eat this morning? Oh, mom is going to kill me if I lose any more weight!

But more importantly (though ‘murder by Mama Higurashi’ was pretty bad) she was so hungry it hurt. Food. Now. She needed to it. She got to her feet and walked in her kitchen, only to find it painfully empty. Riiiight, she hadn’t gone out all week because she was working on that never-ending thesis. She cursed inwardly. Looked like she had to order some food, again, but quickly because otherwise she was going to faint.

She grabbed her phone. She knew just where to call, but…

She hesitated briefly before shaking her head and dialing the number of the closest pizza place.

“Hello, Shikon Pizza here, what can I do for you?” the elderly voice of Kaede greeted her.

Kagome smiled in relief. She liked it better when it was Kaede — the other woman who picked up the phone, Kikyo, was terribly intimidating.

“Hi, it’s Kagome Higurashi, I was hoping I could…”

“Of course, Kagome,” Kaede interrupted her fondly. “I’ll take care of everything. I suppose you want me to send Inuyasha?”

Kagome closed her eyes. She could already feel herself blushing. But the truth was, at least Inuyasha was fast as hell. Kaede was terribly slow (but why did a woman that age insist on riding a bike anyway?) and Kikyo wasn’t particularly fast either, while Inuyasha had the advantage of his demonic speed.

“Yes please,” she mumbled.

“Then consider it done!”

Kagome sighed as the old woman hung up. She glanced at her clothes and frowned, stepping into her room to get dressed. Not that there was much of a point at this time of day, but at least that would be one less thing Inuyasha would comment on.

The first time, he had been unbelievably rude to her, and she had promised herself she would never, under any circumstances, have him again. She had even taken the time to write herself a note to ask for someone else.

Unfortunately, situations like this night were becoming more and more common as her deadline got closer, and the time right after, she had actually asked Kaede if she could send him. He had gotten there incredibly quickly, and well, she was fucking hungry.

He had been even more rude that time, with a hint of confusion behind it though, and Kagome had sworn, again, that he wouldn’t be back.

But, again, her stomach had won that battle.

The third time, he had been much more intrigued and almost defensive. That had been easier — she had been able to get rid of him fast and to eat.

Afterwards, though, it hadn’t been that easy. He had started doing that thing where he towered over her a little more, and he grinned (which tended to let his fangs appear and for some reason she loved that), and his voice got deeper and somewhat sultry and then how was she supposed to focus on her thesis when her senses were filled with him and and and ugh.

Yes, she thought he was handsome. His golden eyes, particularly, filled her dreams, but his white hair, cut short, and his lovely dog ears didn’t leave her indifferent either. Maybe, some other time, she would even have asked him out.

But she had work to do. She really, really couldn’t get into anything right now, much less in a relationship with a moody, though terribly attractive, man. She was sighing heavily when she heard the doorbell.

She glanced at her clock in disbelief — how does he do that? — then walked, maybe a little too fast, to open it.

Sure enough, there he was, with a smug smile, and looking at her like he was going to devour her whole.

Honestly, she’d let him.

If she didn’t have a thesis to finish.

“Hungry?” he practically purred, holding out the pizza.

Oh, if only he knew.

She reached out, only to have him put it out of her reach. She rolled her eyes.

“Starving, actually,” she replied, annoyed. “I haven’t eaten all day. Could you…?”

“Sure thing,” he answered, waiting for her to get her money.

“You’re the fastest delivery man around,” she mumbled, feeling her cheeks burning any way. She wasn’t too sure why she always got the need to justify herself. Maybe she didn’t want him to think she was desperate girl, doing everything she could to get a chance to hit on him. Maybe she was trying to convince herself, because she genuinely enjoyed seeing him.

“Yeah, you say that every time,” Inuyasha answered, his voice dryer than it usually was.

She looked up at him and noticed his frown, but more importantly, the way his ears drooped a little.

Oh, no. She didn’t want that. It hurt her more than she had expected and she hated it and…

“I have a thesis to finish,” she blurted out.

“Oh?” Inuyasha asked, cocking an eyebrow. His ears perked up just a little, and even though Kagome was terribly embarrassed at this point, she swallowed and kept going.

“The deadline’s really close and that’s all I’ve been doing.”

“Oh.”

“So I really don’t have time for anything right now.”

This time, Inuyasha gave her a toothy grin, and for a second, she wondered about how his fangs would feel against her skin if— Your thesis, Kagome.

“But after that…”

“Yeah?” Inuyasha leaned in. Being taller than her, he was easily towering over her, and the closer he got, the harder it got to think and be coherent.

“After that, I’ll be free.”

“Huh,” he said. “But that’ll take you a while.”

She breathed in deeply as he got closer, one of his clawed hands toying with her hair.

“I mean, it’d be nice if I got, I dunno… A reason to wait.”

Kagome blinked. Despite herself, images of her giving Inuyasha an embroidered handkerchief passed in her mind. Ugh, this thesis was killing her. She never wanted to hear about Feudal Era, whether it was in Japan or in Europe, ever again.

She bit her lip, eliciting an almost immediate growl of Inuyasha. “What do you have in mind?”

He took that as a permission. He crashed his mouth on hers, and he smiled when he heard her sigh desperately. She got on her tiptoes to try to get as close to him as possible, their bodies reacting almost desperately to the other’s embrace.

Way too soon, Inuyasha stepped back, leaving her with weak knees.

“If you need some distraction ’til you finish your thing, you’ll know where to find me,” he said, his words teasing but his voice letting on more of his emotions.

Kagome nodded wordlessly.

“But then I’ll want you all for myself.”

Oh. Oh God.

She wanted to finish that stupid thing more than ever.

“It’s so nice to meet you Kagome!” Inuyasha’s best friend, Miroku, hold out his hand while his girlfriend, Sango, gave her a bright smile. “We’ve been so curious about you!”

“Miroku’s a real gossip,” Inuyasha told her with a frown.

He looked all grumpy, but Kagome knew he’d been dying to introduce her to his friends, and at the same time, terribly stressed to do so. She had come to see that that was very like him. He would always act annoyed when he was afraid something would go wrong, at the risk of making it go wrong that way.

“How did you two meet?” Sango asked. “Inuyasha wouldn’t tell us!”

“I had a very good reason,” he growled.

“Oh, well you see, Inuyasha was the delivery guy and I always requested him because he was the fastest one…”

“Sure you did,” Inuyasha said, grinning, but Sango couldn’t help but notice how fond his smile was.

“I did,” Kagome sighed. “I swear. Anyway, after a while…”

“The seventh time she requested me, actually,” Inuyasha corrected her.

“You counted?”

At that he only responded with a ‘Keh!’ and looked away, with maybe the smallest of blush on his cheeks, and it was only Sango’s foot furiously crashing Miroku’s that stopped him from commenting ‘Oh how adorable!’

“The seventh time I requested him,” Kagome continued, smiling widely and discreetly reaching for her boyfriend’s hand to give it a squeeze, “I told him that I actually had a thesis to finish so I couldn’t do anything right now, much less see someone. And then he said he’d wait.”

She giggled, keeping for herself the heated kiss they had shared afterwards. Sango bit back an ‘Awwww’, knowing it would only embarrass Inuyasha further. That being said, she had no idea why he hadn’t been willing to tell them. What was the problem with that story?

“Wait, so he was your deliveryman?” Miroku asked.

Sango and Inuyasha’s eyes met. Holy shit, no, she had to stop him…

“Yes, he was,” Kagome answered.

“So it’s just like a porn flick!”

He knew Sango was going to kill him for that, but the look on her— Oh, Inuyasha was not happy with him and Sango did look like she was going to murder him.

Well, he’d better start running then.

Kagome shook her head as his girlfriend caught him and Inuyasha and her both started growling and shouting at him.

“I mean he’s not wrong though,” she mumbled to herself.

Especially for the sex.

Inuyasha’s ear flicked and Kagome couldn’t help but smirk when she noticed his eyes widening.

She understood why he had teased her so much in the beginning. It was so much fun.